Dealing with Insults,

Teasing and Criticism

A Guide Illustrated with
America’s Favorite Comics

Dr Jeffrey Rubin
TABLE OF CONTENTS

Preface " " " " " " " " " " 2

Chapter 1: An Introduction to Insults and Teasing" 4

Chapter 2: Insults: A Comic Lover’s Guide 8

Chapter 3: What Do We Mean By Criticism? 16

Chapter 4: The Five Levels Of Responding To Criticism 24

Chapter 5: Getting Familiar With The Five Levels 32

Chapter 6: Conclusion " " " " " " 44

1
Preface Who am I to make suggestions about how to handle
insults, teasing, and criticism?

That's an excellent question and I'm glad you asked. I do

have a few relevant credentials and experiences.

" •" I earned a PhD from the University of Minnesota in a

counseling psychology program.

" •" I've taught graduate courses on conflict resolution.

" •" I've provided counseling at a juvenile correctional facil-

ity, a mental health clinic and a number of public schools.

" •" I parented two rambunctious boys to adulthood.

" •" I've been married for 30 plus years and counseled my
wife, Andrea, through dealing with the administrative and
people hassles of working as the Dean of a community col-
lege.

" •" Five of my articles were published in peer reviewed psy-

chology journals.

" •" My three novels manage to take psychological sus-

pense to new heights and sophisticated humor to new lows.

For most of those years, if the truth be told, much of what

I tried to do produced no earth-shattering results. Clearly,
people valued coming to discuss challenging experiences
with me for I never fell short of clients. And yet, often I

2
was left wishing I could be more
effective.
But every now and then I somehow
managed to come up with a sparkling hit.
Suddenly, those who I was trying to help
began to make enthusiastic comments like:
“Dr. Rubin, wow, what a difference
your suggestion made!”
“Dr. Rubin, I tried out your technique
for responding to criticism and it dramati-
cally improved my personal relationships
with family and friends!”
Some enthusiastically reported im-
provement in their career advancement be-
cause they had become better at dealing
with interpersonal conflict. Others re-
ported feeling happier and having a clearer
mind because they now had less conflict
weighing on their brain. And some noticed
improved creativity because they had be-
come less worried about the negative ef-
fects of criticism on their work.
Almost miraculously, I now find my-
self in a position to provide a number of
my biggest hits at no cost to the general
public. A great deal of credit for this amaz-
ing situation belongs to my son Lennon Ru-
bin. The whole idea was his, and his un-
canny ability to traverse internet and com-
puter systems almost as well as New York-
ers traverse their subway system made it
3
possible to produce this guide for a mere
pittance.
Also deserving a tremendous amount
of credit for this guide are the wonderful
comic strip writers and artists whose char-
acters and stories delightfully illustrate my
key points. It is to each of them that I
dedicate this book.
Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)
Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)
Scott Adams (Dilbert)
Greg Adams (Luann)
Dean Young and John Marshall (Blondie)
Lincoln Peirce (Big Nate)
Bud Blake (Tiger)
Francesco Marciuliano and Jim Keefe
(Sally Forth)
Mort Walker (Beetle Bailey)
Lynn Johnson (For Better or For Worse)
Jim Toomey (Sherman’s Lagoon)
Mason Mastroianni, Mick Mastroianni
and Johnny Hart (B.C.)
Chris Brown (Hägar the Horrible)
Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman (Zits)
Bud Grace (Piranha Club)
1
If you love comics, you are going to have a lot of fun read-
ing this guide.

At the same time, the following pages will be taking

you on a trip that explores some behaviors that too often

An lead to some very sad and painful experiences—insults and

teasing.
Introduction
to Insults
and Teasing INSULTS
When someone says something to you and you end up feel-
ing uncomfortable inside, sometimes we say that this means
that you feel like you have been insulted.

4
" " In the above Peanuts comic, it looks to influence on how much you are liked and
me like Sally feels uncomfortable with respected. This guide is designed to help
Charlie Brown’s comment about her you to learn these skills.
swirls.

Said in another way, I think Sally feels

Charlie Brown has insulted her.

She responds by throwing insults at

him, saying that he is being ridiculous, that
there is something wrong with him and
that he needs glasses. It’s not long before
Snoopy’s glasses are sent flying.

We have all experienced what it feels

like when someone throws insults at us,
even the greatest presidents, the most tal-
ented athletes and every member of your
favorite band. If someone insults you, it
does not mean that you are a bad person.

However, skillful handling of these

types of situations can have an enormous
5
" " In this Big Nate comic, what Nate’s
gang calls “trash talking” is an example of
“teasing.” Teasing is often motivated by
someone wanting to have some fun by try-
ing to make someone angry.

Below we see an example of Blondie

teasing Dagwood.

6
" " Here, Blondie does manage to get
Dagwood angry at her teasing. She ex-
plains why she did it. “…when you’ve been
married as long as we have, you’re allowed
to kid around once in a while.”
" •" Why do many people find teasing
fun?
" •" Besides having some fun, what are
other reasons for teasing?
" •" If you are being teased, what are some
good ways to handle this?
" •" Are there times when the teaser is be-
ing too mean and really should just stop?
" " In this guide, we’ll be looking to find
answers to these questions.
SUMMARY
" " So, there you have it, a little introduc-
tion to insults and teasing. Insults occur
when someone says something to you and
you end up feeling uncomfortable inside.
Teasing is often motivated by some-
one wanting to have some fun by trying to
make someone angry. Now, let’s move on
to a more in-depth discussion of insults.

7
2
" " One type of situation in which we hear a lot of insults
occurs when people are teasing.

" " Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, josh-

ing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, trash talk, and

Insults: A infighting. You are judged on the quality of your insults

and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.
Comic Strip Even the most mature people may like to play the teas-
Lover’s ing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional
humorous comeback.
Guide
Consider the following Calvin and Hobbes comic.

8
"
" " Our two friends are getting pretty
by how silly the interactions are, but by
silly in this exchange. I guess being silly is
their lack of desire to hurt somebody in
part of the fun.
this game.
Mature people are distinguished from
They realize that the smiles and the
immature people in the teasing game, not
lighthearted tone they try to set through-
9
out the game sometimes mask real ten-
sions. Thus, they keep their senses tuned
to the subtleties of the repartee, and know
when to back off when things begin to get
too serious.
Immature people can come across as
mean when they tease.
" " In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends
up smiling even though Violet ends up feel-
ing upset. I would have liked Lucy to
show some concern about how Violet ends
up feeling.
10
It is certainly understandable why Vio-
let ends up feeling upset. We all have a
strong desire to be liked. The fact that
there are other people watching while
Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with
the teasing even harder.
"" But what if Violet, instead of going
away looking upset, ended up responding
to Lucy in the following way?
“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a
smile. “I guess you won this round. Well done!”
Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her
head before going on her way.
 If Violet would have acted this way, it
would have shown the other kids that she
can take a little teasing without getting up-
set. This seems to many people a sign of
maturity. We can’t expect everyone to
have this level of maturity.

Apparently, in the comic below, Cal-

vin went a little too far in his teasing.

" " Troubled by how Susie has reacted,

Calvin becomes sad, and then he turns a
bit angry. It seems to me that his genuine
concern for Susie’s feelings is a sign that he
is beginning to become mature.

In our next comic strip, we see Susie’s

reaction to Calvin’s teasing.

11
" " The sadness that Susie feels is cou-
pled with her recognition that, without
Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than
she does.

How might Calvin handle this situa-

tion?

" " Apologizing, for Calvin, is not an easy

thing to do. I wonder why?

In the next comic, we see that Susie is

still trying to deal with Calvin’s insults.

Susie realizes that although words

don’t hurt your body like sticks and stones,
they still can hurt quite a bit.

12
" " When Calvin goes over to Susie to
make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.

" " When we try to fix a problem it

doesn’t always work. That doesn’t mean
we have to give up. We can try again.

Sometimes someone who enjoys teas-

ing does so in a manner that looks to some-
one watching on as not fun.

13
 At other times, people who tease
don’t realize that they really have created a
very uncomfortable situation.

14
" " When people call you names or insult
you in some other way, you may not be
sure why they are doing this.

One thing to try is to say in a friendly,

concerned voice, “I’m not sure why you are
trying to put me down. Is everything
okay? Are you mad at me about some-
thing?”

This often leads to the insulter reveal-

ing what is actually motivating this
behavior.

But, if instead the insulter begins to

throw even more harsh insults at you, or
angrily walks away, or repeatedly insults
you on other occasions without telling you
why, what do you do then?

In coming chapters, we’ll be looking

at several ideas that you can use to deal
with these challenging problems.

15
3
" " In addition to teasing, another reason why people will
throw insults at you is that they have an immature way to
criticize you. When you come to understand the nature of
criticism, you will be better able to deal with these types of
situations.
What Do We " " In this Tiger comic, Hugo provides criticism to Bonnie.
Mean by Name calling, insults and teasing are types of criticism.

Criticism? Criticism occurs when someone provides an evalua-

tion. If someone evaluates something as positive, negative,
neutral, or any point in between, and then tells someone
about the results, the evaluator has provided criticism.

Many people think that “criticism” means only an unfa-

vorable evaluation. Others believe that criticism is any
evaluation. To avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between
the various types of evaluations.

In this guide we’ll use the words negative criticism for

unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations
that leave the person doing the evaluation feeling neither

16
positive nor negative about what has been
evaluated, and positive criticism for favor-
able evaluations.

In the following Peanuts comic, Lucy

is pointing out what she believes are Char-
lie Brown’s personality faults.

Lucy has evaluated Charlie Brown’s

personality and is pointing out what she
doesn’t like. This is an example of someone
providing negative criticism.

When individuals indicate that they

don’t like something, they are providing a
negative evaluative statement.

17
" " When people declare they like some- " •" “stupid”
thing, they are providing a positive evalua-
or any other adjective that generally sig-
tive statement.
nals to us that something is disliked, indi-
cate negative criticism has occurred.

The words:

" •" “good”

" •" “fine”

" •" “great”

" •" “wonderful”

" •" “pleasant”

and any other adjectives that are generally

understood to be a compliment indicate
positive criticism has occurred.

In the Luann comic below, Quill pro-

vides Luann some positive criticism. See if
you can spot it.
In addition to the words “dislike” and
“like,” other words indicate to us that criti-
cism has occurred.

The words:

" •" “bad”

" •" “ugly”

" •" “nasty”

" •" “rotten”

" •" “ridiculous”

18
" " When Quill tells Luann that her voice
has a nice unforced quality, he indicates
that he has evaluated her voice and he
likes its unforced quality. This is an exam-
ple of positive criticism.

NAME CALLING, IN-

SULTS, AND TEASING
ARE THREE TYPES OF
NEGATIVE CRITICISM
Consider the following Luann comic:

19
 In the first panel of this comic, we see
Luann glaring at Tiffany and calling her a
snot. This is an example of name calling.
When Luann asks with her eyes glar-
ing, “Why are you such a snot to me, Tif-
fany?” she indicates that she has evaluated
how Tiffany is acting toward her and she
doesn’t like it. And so this is an example of
name calling and providing negative criti-
cism.
Sometimes people provide negative
criticism without name calling. In the sec-
ond panel of the above comic, Luann says,
“What?! Just now I tried to chat and you
cut me off with ‘I don’t care what you
think.”
comment was not negative criticism, but,
instead, neutral criticism.
In the first panel of this Luann comic,
it is clear that Luann is trying to insult Tif-
fany. When people try to insult someone,
they are not only trying to provide nega-
tive criticism, they are also trying to pun-
ish the target of the negative criticism by
making them feel bad.
Luann, in this example, is trying to
punish Tiffany by making her feel bad
about what she said to her.
I see no signs of any teasing in this
Luann comic.

Notice the way Luann says this, with

glaring eyes and crying out, “What!?” Al-
though there is no name calling in this
statement, it still indicates to me that
Luann has evaluated what Tiffany did and
then made it clear to her that she doesn’t
like it.

Therefore this is an example of Luann

providing Tiffany negative criticism with-
out name calling.

In the last panel of this comic, notice

that Tiffany claims that her comment to
Luann was not snotty—just factual. Here
Tiffany is trying to make the case that her

20
" " In the Big Nate comic we looked at ear-
lier, we saw a clear case of teasing.

When Wright says to Nate, “You’re so

ugly your face makes onions cry,” he is pro-
viding negative criticism. But when teasing
is occurring, the negative criticism often-
times is not really a true evaluation. Peo-
ple, when teasing, will make up insults just
to try to get the other person angry or to
make people laugh.

21
SOME FORMS OF NEGA-
TIVE CRITICISM ARE
NOT INSULTS, NAME
CALLING, OR TEASING
" " Although insults, name calling, and
teasing are types of negative criticism, not
all negative criticism involves insults, name

calling, or teasing. Consider the following

comic.

" " Here we see that Quill has evaluated

how Luann sings and he lets her know he
doesn’t like that she sings looking down to-
ward her toes. Thus, he has provided
Luann negative criticism.

But notice that Quill is not trying to

punish Luann for singing toward her toes
by making her feel bad. Therefore, he is
not trying to insult her. Nor is he calling
her stupid or any other mean name for
singing to her toes. So he isn’t using any
name calling. He is certainly not trying to
22
make her angry just to have a little fun. " •" There are negative, neutral and posi-
Therefore, he is not teasing her. tive forms of criticism

Instead, in as kind a way as he can,
Quill is trying to teach Luann to improve.
Learning to provide negative criticism in a
way that avoids the use of insults, name
calling and teasing can help you to im-
prove how much people will like and re-
spect you.
" •" Name calling, insults and teasing are
types of negative criticism
" •" Not all forms of negative criticism are
examples of insults, name calling and teas-
ing
" •" Learning to provide negative criticism
in a way that avoids the use of insults,
name calling and teasing can help you to
improve how much people will like and re-
spect you

We now move on. In the next two

chapters, we will have some fun while dis-
cussing five styles for responding to criti-
cism.

SUMMARY
" " So, there you have it—the basics
about criticism. Let’s summarize what we
have covered.

"" " We spent some time pointing out

that:

" •" Criticism occurs when someone evalu-

ates something

23
4
The Five
Levels of
Responding
to Criticism
" " When we are being provided criticism, we can start to
feel defensive and angry. The mere possibility that someone
might be threatening to interfere with our being liked can
cause an emotional storm on an angry sea that makes it
very difficult to see clearly what is actually going on.

Just when we should be trying to figure out the most

mature response to a particular criticism, our own desire to
be liked may have stirred up a storm within us.
24
 When your friend is actually provid- should find out what people who strike us
ing you negative criticism because he likes as mature have to say about this, and then
you, you may interpret his negative criti- use that as our standard for deciding what
cism as a sign that he doesn’t like you. Your is mature.
hurt feelings may lead you to lash back at
In the following pages, you will hear
him.
what a wide range of people think about
Understanding all of this can help you this. Then you can discuss what you learn
to come up with some better ways to pro- with family members and friends.
vide criticism. For example, with people
In the end, after you have given this
whom you intend to criticize from time to
issue some thought while you are calm,
time, it’s a good idea to discuss with them
you will be better able to come up with
the fact that we can like someone even
your own personal standard of what are im-
when we might not like something that
mature and mature ways of responding to
they did.
criticism.
As we prepare ourselves to come up
with a mature way to provide criticism, we
often are not as emotionally charged up as
we are when someone has just provided
criticism to us.

To respond to criticism in a mature

manner when we are in the midst of an
emotional storm takes great skill. It be-
comes much easier to do this if you have
taken the time when you are not being
criticized to develop a clear understanding
about what are immature responses and
what are mature responses.

But how are we to decide what is a

mature response to criticism? Should we
leave it to the experts? It wouldn’t hurt to
hear what they have to say. Maybe we

25
LET’S GET STARTED

In this comic, Hugo criticizes Bonnie

for what she said at their club meeting.
While providing his criticism, Hugo
throws in some insults. That is, he calls
what Bonnie said at the meeting, stupid
and self-centered. He also claims she
sounded like an idiot.

Bonnie replies by slugging him. Does

this seem to you to be a mature way to re-
spond to Hugo’s criticism? When I ask
people about this, some say, “Well, it’s
funny.”

26
 In comics, it is sometimes funny to bills. Rather than being funny, this would
see someone get clobbered: be very painful and sad.

" " In this Beetle Bailey comic, Beetle in- In your opinion, what might be a bet-
sults Sarge, calling him a blowhard. Sarge ter way for Bonnie to handle Hugo’s criti-
ends up smashing him around, and in the cism? Here’s one alternative:
end we see Beetle crumpled up on the
floor.
" Bonnie first recognizes that she has been
This is known as slapstick humor and
criticized. She therefore pauses. Then she asks
it certainly can make people laugh. But in
herself, what is the best way to handle this situa-
real life, Sarge probably would go to prison
tion?
for treating Beetle like that.
$$ “Hmmm,” she says to herself, “let me see if I
The Tiger comic we have been discuss-
can find out a little more about why Hugo is in-
ing ends with Hugo going flying from Bon-
sulting me. He may be just teasing me for the fun
nie’s punch while she says “Have a nice
of it. Or he may be jealous that the other club
day!”
members like me better than him. Or he is really
Although this is a funny punch line to trying to encourage me to act better at the meet-
end a comic, in real life, if Bonnie slugs ings. Or maybe there’s another reason I can’t
Hugo she could get into a lot of trouble. even guess. I’ll ask him some questions to see if I
The police might arrest her. If it happened can find out.”
in school, the principal could call her par-
$$ Bonnie, looking into Hugo’s eyes, asks in a
ents. If Hugo really got hurt from the
friendly manner, “Hugo, I feel like you’re trying
punch, he would have to go to the hospi-
to insult me. What’s going on?”
tal. Someone would have to pay the doctor
27
 $$ “I told you, Bonnie, what you
said at the meeting was stupid!” Hugo
replies.

$ “Yeah, you made it clear that

you didn’t like what I said. But what
exactly did I say that you didn’t like?”

$ “You said you wanted to get

your new friend into the club! That’s
stupid!”

$ “Oh, now I think I understand.

You don’t want my friend, Lora, to join? Is that Then I asked a wide range of different
it?” people to watch the shows. Together, we
discussed their reactions to the way the ac-
$ “That’s right!”
tors in the shows handled the criticism.
$ “Okay. Well, Hugo, you have a right to ex-
I soon became very familiar with
press your opinion. I didn’t mean to get you up-
what people liked and respected. This
set. I just like Lora and I thought it would be
helped me to come up with five different
fun to have her in the club.”
ways to handle criticism. I put them in or-
$$ “It’s a stupid idea.” der from the least respected to the most
respected. Level one is the least liked.
$ “I understand, Hugo, that you don’t want
Each higher level is viewed as more ma-
Lora to join.”
ture, likable, and respected by people.
If Bonnie handled this conflict in this
Let’s take a look at these five levels.
way, would this be better than hitting
Hugo? Would it be more mature?

To find out how people feel about the

best way to handle it when someone pro-
vides criticism to them, I made a lot of TV
shows with actors. In each show, the actors
responded to criticism in different ways.

28
THE FIVE LEVELS OF (regardless of whatever else is said or
done).
DEALING WITH CRITI-
" •" Damages property (regardless of
CISM what else is said or done).

1. This level requires displaying one or

more of the following:

" •" Weeps or sobs with tears or

pouts without displaying any other set
of responses that matches one of the
two highest levels.

2. This level requires displaying one or

more of the following:
" •" Insults the
criticizer (either
with words, hand
gestures, the stick-
ing out of a tongue,
the rolling of the
" •" Physically attacks the criticizer eyes, or smirks).
" •" Glares at the
criticize.
" •" Threatens
the criticizer.
" •" Punches,
kicks, or throws
an object with-
out physically
hurting someone

29
 or damaging anything.
" •" Criticizes the criticizer without
first fully addressing the original criti-
cism.
4. Individuals at this level listen to the
criticizer in a supportive, warm,
friendly style, and then make it clear
that they fully understand what was
said.

Moreover, they put the criticizer at

ease by making statements that indi-
cate that the wise learn from criticism.

Some time is spent on showing that

they are thinking about the
criticism.
3. This level requires displaying one or
both of
If, after thinking about the criticism
the fol-
the criticism is deemed to be correct,
lowing:
they make a statement frankly indicat-
" •" Dis-
ing:
plays de-
fensive-
“I can see your ideas have merit, and I in-
ness with-
tend to use them in the future.”
out directly insulting the criticizer
(raising voice’s volume or pitch).
If they are not sure if they agree, they
" •" Displays a lack of interest either
make a statement indicating that they
by verbally indicating this, or with non-
are very interested in what was said,
verbal cues, or complete silence.
plan to think a little more about this
over the next few days, and then they
will be ready to discuss this
further.

If, after thinking about the criticism,

the criticism is deemed to be incor-
rect, a statement is made designed to

30
 disagree without being disagreeable. THESE FIVE LEVELS
More specifically, a sense of humor,
ARE JUST A STARTING
some listening in a caring way, and a
few smiles help to traverse rough ter- POINT
rain.
" " Okay, there you have it—Five Levels of
Responding to Criticism. As you look them
As the episode winds down, the criti-
over, you may find yourself either agreeing
cizer is encouraged to feel comfortable
or disagreeing that they do a good job of
communicating suggestions in the
describing immature and mature ways to
future.
deal with criticism. Either way is fine. The
five levels, as described above, are just de-
5. In addition to actions consistent with signed to help you to start thinking for
level 4, people acting in a manner con- yourself about these types of issues.
sistent with level 5 seek ways to use,
To help you to figure out what you
whenever they disagree with the criti-
like and dislike about the five levels of re-
cism, a technique known as steering in
sponding to criticism, it makes sense to be-
the direction the criticizer would pre-
come a little more familiar with them.
fer to go.
That’s what we do in the next chapter.

That is, rather than just disagreeing

without being disagreeable, the criti-
cized person seeks to find a new
choice of action that creatively utilizes
something suggested from the criti-
cism. Steering cannot be incorporated
into all situations, but it is an addi-
tional goal of the most mature individu-
als.

"

31
5
Here’s a fun way to go about getting familiar with the five
levels. I’ll provide a comic strip in which a character re-
sponds to criticism. You get to try to identify which of the
five levels best matches the response.

Getting " " After you take your guess, I’ll model my reasoning of
how I identified which of the five levels is the best match.
Familiar with We’ll do this using several comic strips so that you get

the Five really good at doing this.

" " As you practice doing this, from time to time you’ll no-
Levels of tice that I’ll be making one or two additional brief com-
Responding ments about a comic. Some of these are designed to help
you to make connections with some ideas we learned in ear-
to Criticism lier chapters, and some provide a quick explanation of why
one level of responding to criticism is viewed as less mature
than another.

" " Let’s get started with a For Better or for Worse comic
strip on the next page.

32
33
 In this comic, Lizzie’s brother seems
to be criticizing her because he doesn’t
want her to bother him anymore. Lizzie re-
sponds to the criticism from the boys by
crying. Guess which of the five levels best
matches Lizzie’s response to the criticism.
My Response: If you guessed that Lizzie’s
overall response best matches the level 1
description then you matched my guess.
Here’s a description of how I came up
with my guess.
As I began to glance over the five-
level descriptions, my eyes came first to
level 1. This level requires that the per-
son responding to criticism does one or
more of the following:
" •" Cries (that is, weeps or sobs with tears
or pouts) without displaying any other set
of responses that matches one of the two
highest levels
" •" Physically attacks the criticizer (re-
gardless of whatever else is said or done)
" •" Damages property (regardless of what
else is said or done)
" " The first of the three statements in
the description is: Cries (that is, weeps or sobs
with tears) without displaying any other set of
responses that matches one of the two highest
levels.
34
This looks like it might be a pretty
good match with what Lizzie does. The
second two statements in the level 1 de-
scription are about physical attacks and
damaging property. Lizzie, while respond-
ing to the criticism, doesn’t physically at-
tack anyone, nor does she damage anyone’s
property.
The response only needs to fit one of
the three statements in the level 1 descrip-
tion.
Just because Lizzie cries doesn’t auto-
matically mean she matches the level 1 de-
scription. If she cries and also displays a re-
sponse that matches either level 4 or 5 (the
two most mature levels), she would de-
serve to get some higher rating as long as
she hadn’t physically attacked the criti-
cizer or damaged property. For example, a
level 4 response is described as follows:
Listens to the criticizer in a supportive,
warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear
that he or she fully understands what was said.
The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease
by making statements that indicate that the wise
learn from criticism.
Some time is spent on showing that he or
she is thinking about the criticism. If, after think-
ing about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to
be correct, a statement is frankly made indicat-
ing, “I can see your ideas have merit, and I in- " •" A statement such as, “Let me think
tend to use them in the future.” about this.”

If, after thinking about the criticism, the criti- " •" Pausing
cism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is
" •" Asking some questions to clarify is-
made designed to disagree without being dis-
sues
agreeable. More specifically, a sense
of humor, some listening in a car-
ing way, and a few smiles help to
traverse rough terrain.

As the episode winds down, the

criticizer is encouraged to feel com-
fortable communicating sugges-
tions in the future. At times, I wonder why most of the
people I spoke with over the years feel
that crying when criticized is immature. Af-
It’s pretty plain to me that Lizzie
ter all, it doesn’t leave anyone with a black
doesn’t respond to the criticism using any
eye. No one gets arrested for crying. When
of these level 4 skills. Perhaps she is think-
I ask people why they’re down on crying,
ing about the criticism when her mother is
they tend to say, “That’s what babies do.”
holding her and when her mother speaks
some soothing words.
Many have confided in me that when
But the description about “thinking”
they are alone and they think about some-
states, “Some time is spent on showing that he
one who has criticized them, they some-
or she is thinking about the criticism.” Lizzie
times do begin to cry. This is often viewed
shows me too little evidence of this. Here
as okay because it’s done in private, and it
are some responses that could have shown
helps them to work through what they are
me that Lizzie is thinking about the criti-
feeling.
cism.
When I observe people begin to cry
" •" Restating the criticism in her own
when they are criticized, they often begin
words
to apologize for crying and they cover
their eyes. They seem embarrassed about

35
crying. Do you think people should be em- negative criticisms to Sally it wouldn’t have
barrassed about crying? Does it depend on been so bad, but for crying out loud, he
the situation? just doesn’t know when to give it a rest!”

Although I have sympathy for this po-

sition, there are several things Sally could
Let’s move on now to a different type
have tried to get Ted off her back without
of example. In the following Sally Forth
ruining his shirt. For example, she could
comic, Ted criticizes Sally’s painting skills
have simply said, “Ted, usually I appreciate
several times. Which of the five levels best
what you have to say about painting, but
describes Sally’s response?

My answer: Sally has responded to Ted’s right now I want to be left alone.”
criticism by swiping his shirt with the win-
Even the most mature people have a
dow frame paint. Sally’s response best
limit to how much criticism they can take
matches level 1 because she damaged Ted’s
over a brief period of time.
property.

Now, some people feel Ted deserved

to get his shirt swiped with paint because
of his barrage of criticism. They say, “If
Ted would have provided just one or two

36
 Let’s try this Peanuts comic. How
would you rate Linus’s response to Lucy’s
criticism?
" " My answer: Lucy has evaluated Linus’s
behavior and provided him with a list of
ways he can become a better person. This
is a type of criticism designed to encour-
age someone to make some improvements.
Upon being given this list, Linus at
first responds to the criticism in a manner
consistent with the level 4 description. If
you go back to look carefully at the descrip-
tion of a level 4 response, you will see sev-
eral of its elements neatly displayed at the
beginning of Linus’s response. The descrip-
tion begins by indicating that a level 4 re-
sponse involves listening to the criticizer
in a supportive, warm, friendly style.
Linus, after being handed the set of
suggestions for becoming a better person,
takes the time to read them, thus showing
37
he is thinking about them. He then makes
a few supportive, friendly comments, such
as, “This was very thoughtful of you,
Lucy.”
Afterwards, he states, “I shall try ear-
nestly to improve myself in all of these ar-
eas...” These words seem to be consistent
with the level 4 description that describes
the criticized person as saying, “I can see
your ideas have merit and I intend to use
them in the future.”
Although Linus begins with a re-
sponse that is consistent with the level 4
response description, he soon switches his
style. He starts to give Lucy a silly smirk,
starts laughing at her, tosses her list on the
ground and walks away. It looks to me that
Linus intended, all along, to insult Lucy,
and I therefore think that Linus’s overall
response best matches the level 2 descrip-
tion.
 Now, sometimes people go the other
way and begin by being defensive, but after
a few seconds, calm themselves down,
apologize, and then respond in a manner
that is more like the description of level 4
or even a level 5. This is at least better than
never responding at a high level.

Here’s one that should be pretty easy.

Which of the five levels best matches
Charlie Brown’s response?

My Answer: Level 3 is described as fol-

lows.

" •" Displays defensiveness without di-

rectly insulting the criticizer (raising
voice’s volume or pitch)

" •" Displays a lack of interest either by

verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal
cues, or complete silence.

As we can see in the second panel of

this comic, Charlie Brown looks like he
may be shouting at Lucy. In the same
panel, he indicates that he is not interested
in Lucy’s criticism. Such actions best
match the level 3 description.

38
 In this next comic, three girls begin My answer: Charlie Brown does noth-
to shout at Charlie Brown, demanding to ing to put the girls down and lets them
have it out with him. How would you go know he agrees with them while appar-
about rating Charlie’s response? ently using a supportive voice. I think this

In this comic, we don’t actually find response best matches a level 4

out what the girls’ specific criticism is. The description.
comic skips over that part of the story and
Because he doesn’t summarize the
goes directly to the girls hollering, all to-
girls’ criticism or do anything else to let
gether, “WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY
them know he fully understands what they
FOR YOURSELF?!!!” After this, Charlie
have said, I don’t think his response is a
Brown responds. See if you can figure out
perfect match with level 4, but it is the
the level that best matches Charlie’s re-
closest to that level.
sponse.

39
 Next, we look at a parable that fur-
ther helps us to become familiar with the
Five Levels of Responding to Criticism.
THE PARABLE OF MR.
RODRIGUEZ
$ Mr. Rodriguez tells his students that next
month they are going ona field trip to a museum.
His class begins to criticize the trip.
“Whenever we go on field trips we always go
to boring places,” says Nick.
“Why can’t we pick a place to go on a field
trip?” says Jody.
“How do the rest of you feel about this?” asks
Mr. Rodriguez.
“We should go to an amusement park instead!”
says one girl.
“I think we should see a new movie at the
mall,” says a boy.
Clearly the other students in the class are be-
hind Nick and Jody’s criticisms.
40
Mr. Rodriguez thinks about this, and, at first,
he says to himself, “The principal will never go
along with letting the students pick a place to go
on a field trip.” With this in mind, he prepares to
turn down, as pleasantly as possible, the sugges-
tions that the students are tossing out to him.
But then he thinks about try-
ing to come up with a way to
steer in the direction of the stu-
dents’ criticism.
He comes up with an idea.
“Field trips are for learning,”
he tells the class, “and the prin-
cipal chose this trip to the mu-
seum. I understand that you
want to have some say as to
what field trip we go on.
What if I ask the principal to
provide to me three field trips
she would be willing to approve, and then I’ll
ask you to choose one from the three she comes up
with—would that be better?”
The students all love this idea.
Mr. Rodriguez then asks the principal about
providing three choices so the students can choose
the one they most prefer. The principal thinks
this is a great idea and chooses three acceptable
trips: the museum, the zoo, and the botanical gar-
dens.
Then, the next time Mr. Rodriguez returns to
his class, he says, “Remember yesterday I said we
were going to the museum?”
 “Yeah,” says Nick. “A field trip to the museum
again! That’s boring!”
“Well,” replies Mr. Rodriguez, “how about
choosing between the museum, the zoo, or the bo-
tanical gardens?”
The students end up choosing the zoo. Mr.
Rodriguez is delighted with this because the prin-
cipal had him going, every year, for the last ten
years, to the museum and he has grown tired of
it. He’s never been to the zoo, and he and his stu-
dents feel better having been given a choice. Per-
haps most of all, Mr. Rodriguez is delighted be-
cause he knows that he has avoided having to
deal all day with a bunch of students who would
have been complaining the entire time they were
at the museum.
41
WHAT WE CAN LEARN
FROM THIS PARABLE
" " The way Mr. Rodriguez handled his
class’s criticism is an example of a level 5
response. Although he didn’t completely
agree with the students’ criticism, instead
of completely rejecting it, he steered in the
direction of the criticism.
That is, he took the students’ ideas
about their choosing the place to go on
the field trip, and used it in such a way
that both he and the students ended up
feeling better off with the end result.
It takes a bit of creativity to come up
with these types of steering plans, but with
practice you can get good at it and it can
earn you a great deal of respect.
THE RESPONDING TO
CRITICISM PLAN
" " You have now become familiar with
the five levels of responding to criticism
and given them some thought. If you don’t
agree with them, make up your own five
levels.
You can use your own five levels, or
the five levels we have been discussing to
carry out the following plan designed to
help you to improve your responding to
criticism skills.

As we discussed earlier, the first step

to enact a plan to wisely deal with criti-
cism is to recognize a criticism-type situa-
tion. Second, pause to think about the best
way to respond.

Once you recognize that someone has

criticized you, consider what response you
think you are getting ready to use. Then
rate that response before actually using
it.

You do this by comparing the re-

sponse you came up with to each of the
five levels of responding to criticism. If
your response best matches the level 1 de-
scription, give yourself a rating of 1. If your
response best matches the level 2 descrip-
tion, give yourself a rating of 2. If your re-
sponse best matches the level 3 descrip-
tion, give yourself a rating of 3; and so
on.

If you find that the response you

think you will use does not match at least
level 4, you will try to come up with a bet-
ter response than what you were getting
ready to use, one that is significantly more
mature.

42
 To get good at this plan, for a few
weeks spend five minutes at the end of the
day thinking about the last time you re-
member being criticized.

Then write about what happened and

how you responded. Then look over the de-
scriptions of the five levels of responding
to criticism and see what level best
matches your response.

Finally, see if you can come up with a

more mature response than the one you
had used. In a few short weeks, you will be-
come a master at responding to criticism.

43
6
" " Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this guide as much as
I enjoyed writing it. By now, you have a much better under-
standing about what it means to be insulted, teased and
criticized.

A lot of times
Conclusion when someone is us-
ing name calling, in-
sults, and teasing,
there are several de-
sires to consider.
Two big ones are the
desire to be liked
and the desire to be free to do what you want. When some-
one feels a person might be interfering with these two de-
sires, oftentimes a storm kicks up and it becomes hard to
see what’s happening just up ahead.

In this guide, we spent some time learning how to navi-

gate safely when the great sea of conflict, with its cold, hard
waves, crashes upon our being.
44
 We learned to handle insults, teasing
and criticism skillfully not only for safety
reasons. People who become masters at
handling conflicts tend to be more liked
and respected.

If you can learn to be skillful at han-

dling criticism, you can greatly improve
how much others will like and respect you.
This guide is designed to help you to be-
come a master at responding to criticism
even when it is provided with name call-
ing, insults, and teasing.

Some alternatives to immature ways

to respond to criticism were suggested. I
hope you give them a try to see how they
work for you.

45
 Some people who read a book such as
this end up saying, “Wow! The ideas I
learned really made an enormous improve-
ment in my life.” Others say, “I have been
finding many of my new skills very helpful.
However, when someone makes me very
angry, I find those skills fly right out the
window. Is there anything I can do about
this?”
Keep this paper on your refrigerator
door. You will see it there each time you
reach for some food. This will help to re-
mind you to check your calendar and to fol-
low through with this plan.
If you don’t have a wall calendar be-
cause you use a phone calendar, no prob-
lem. You can put a recurring reminder in

If you feel you need some extra work your phone's calendar to remind you to
on controlling your anger upon completing carry out this activity, as well as the other
this guide, go to your wall calendar and for activity that I’m now going to describe.
each week over the next month, draw a
In addition to these weekly calendar
star on a day that you can spare five min-
reminders, also write down on your calen-
utes. Next to the star, write
dar two stars on a day that falls about one
“CRITICISM.”
month after you finish this guide.
This starred message is designed to re-
Pick a day for the double stars that
mind you that on each of the starred dates
you can spare a half hour to do the follow-
you are to take five minutes to write down
ing: Take down from your refrigerator your
on a sheet of paper the most difficult criti-
list of criticism situations that you de-
cism that you have recently faced and then
scribed each week. Bring it over to your
try to come up with the best way that you
copy of this guide. Then begin to flip
can think of to handle it if a similar situa-
tion occurs in the future.
46
through it, taking note of some ideas that once per week would agree to call you and
have begun to fade from your memory. discuss how you have followed through
with this plan. During these reminders,
Read over a few of the comics. This
spend a few minutes to discuss with this re-
will refresh your memory of some of the
liable person what you have been learning.
ideas that are connected to how the comic
was used in the guide. It will also help you Such help should not go without a re-
to keep your sense of humor as you wrestle ward. Let the person who is to be giving
with your criticism problems. you the reminder know that if you manage
to complete a whole year of this exercise,
When you come upon sections that
you will treat him or her to a celebration
are specifically related to the various types
dinner at a fine restaurant. If you are too
of criticism situations you described over
young to take someone out for dinner,
the course of the month, thoroughly re-
then see if your parents will be your re-
read them.
minder. Parents can often be persuaded to
Then, for the following month, again help their kids just out of pure love.
write on your calendar the two types of re-
Also available on line is my blog,
minders that you have done for the previ-
From Insults To Respect: A Guide to An-
ous month (the single star reminder for
ger, Conflict and Respect. The blog can be
the weekly five-minute criticism descrip-
used as a free curriculum that teaches the
tions and the double star reminder for the
social skills to deal with many of these
monthly review of each weekly criticism
types of challenging experiences.
situations that you have been keeping on
the refrigerator).

Do this activity over the course of a

full year and you will find that you can now
apply the skills taught in this guide to the
type of conflicts you tend to face in your
own life.

To help you to follow through with

this skill enhancement strategy, let some-
one who is particularly reliable know
about this plan. See if your reliable person

47
 A particularly powerful way to teach
skills that deal with name calling, insults
and criticism is through novels that are de-
signed for this purpose and are exciting to
read.

I’ve published a trilogy of novels that

addresses these very issues.

In these novels, the hero, Cool Steve,

struggles to find respect. Should he take af-
ter his violent father whose actions have
flung his family into poverty? Or can he dis-
cover another way?

And so, with these final words, my friends

and I would like to bid you a fond good-
bye.

48