Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Dr Jeffrey Rubin
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Preface " " " " " " " " " " 2
1
Preface Who am I to make suggestions about how to handle
insults, teasing, and criticism?
" •" I've been married for 30 plus years and counseled my
wife, Andrea, through dealing with the administrative and
people hassles of working as the Dean of a community col-
lege.
2
was left wishing I could be more possible to produce this guide for a mere
effective. pittance.
But every now and then I somehow Also deserving a tremendous amount
managed to come up with a sparkling hit. of credit for this guide are the wonderful
Suddenly, those who I was trying to help comic strip writers and artists whose char-
began to make enthusiastic comments like: acters and stories delightfully illustrate my
key points. It is to each of them that I
“Dr. Rubin, wow, what a difference
dedicate this book.
your suggestion made!”
Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts)
“Dr. Rubin, I tried out your technique
for responding to criticism and it dramati- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)
cally improved my personal relationships
Scott Adams (Dilbert)
with family and friends!”
Greg Adams (Luann)
Some enthusiastically reported im-
provement in their career advancement be- Dean Young and John Marshall (Blondie)
cause they had become better at dealing
Lincoln Peirce (Big Nate)
with interpersonal conflict. Others re-
ported feeling happier and having a clearer Bud Blake (Tiger)
mind because they now had less conflict Francesco Marciuliano and Jim Keefe
weighing on their brain. And some noticed (Sally Forth)
improved creativity because they had be-
come less worried about the negative ef- Mort Walker (Beetle Bailey)
fects of criticism on their work. Lynn Johnson (For Better or For Worse)
Almost miraculously, I now find my- Jim Toomey (Sherman’s Lagoon)
self in a position to provide a number of
Mason Mastroianni, Mick Mastroianni
my biggest hits at no cost to the general
and Johnny Hart (B.C.)
public. A great deal of credit for this amaz-
ing situation belongs to my son Lennon Ru- Chris Brown (Hägar the Horrible)
bin. The whole idea was his, and his un-
Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman (Zits)
canny ability to traverse internet and com-
puter systems almost as well as New York- Bud Grace (Piranha Club)
ers traverse their subway system made it
3
1
If you love comics, you are going to have a lot of fun read-
ing this guide.
4
" " In the above Peanuts comic, it looks to influence on how much you are liked and
me like Sally feels uncomfortable with respected. This guide is designed to help
Charlie Brown’s comment about her you to learn these skills.
swirls.
6
" " Here, Blondie does manage to get " " In this guide, we’ll be looking to find
Dagwood angry at her teasing. She ex- answers to these questions.
plains why she did it. “…when you’ve been
married as long as we have, you’re allowed SUMMARY
to kid around once in a while.”
" " So, there you have it, a little introduc-
" •" Why do many people find teasing
tion to insults and teasing. Insults occur
fun?
when someone says something to you and
" •" Besides having some fun, what are you end up feeling uncomfortable inside.
other reasons for teasing?
Teasing is often motivated by some-
" •" If you are being teased, what are some one wanting to have some fun by trying to
good ways to handle this? make someone angry. Now, let’s move on
to a more in-depth discussion of insults.
" •" Are there times when the teaser is be-
ing too mean and really should just stop?
7
2
" " One type of situation in which we hear a lot of insults
occurs when people are teasing.
8
"
" " Our two friends are getting pretty
by how silly the interactions are, but by
silly in this exchange. I guess being silly is
their lack of desire to hurt somebody in
part of the fun.
this game.
Mature people are distinguished from
They realize that the smiles and the
immature people in the teasing game, not
lighthearted tone they try to set through-
9
out the game sometimes mask real ten- It is certainly understandable why Vio-
sions. Thus, they keep their senses tuned let ends up feeling upset. We all have a
to the subtleties of the repartee, and know strong desire to be liked. The fact that
when to back off when things begin to get there are other people watching while
too serious. Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with
the teasing even harder.
Immature people can come across as
mean when they tease. "" But what if Violet, instead of going
" " In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends away looking upset, ended up responding
up smiling even though Violet ends up feel- to Lucy in the following way?
ing upset. I would have liked Lucy to
“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a
show some concern about how Violet ends
smile. “I guess you won this round. Well done!”
up feeling.
Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her
head before going on her way.
10
If Violet would have acted this way, it
would have shown the other kids that she
can take a little teasing without getting up-
set. This seems to many people a sign of
maturity. We can’t expect everyone to
have this level of maturity.
11
" " The sadness that Susie feels is cou-
pled with her recognition that, without
Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than
she does.
12
" " When Calvin goes over to Susie to
make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.
13
At other times, people who tease
don’t realize that they really have created a
very uncomfortable situation.
14
" " When people call you names or insult
you in some other way, you may not be
sure why they are doing this.
15
3
" " In addition to teasing, another reason why people will
throw insults at you is that they have an immature way to
criticize you. When you come to understand the nature of
criticism, you will be better able to deal with these types of
situations.
What Do We " " In this Tiger comic, Hugo provides criticism to Bonnie.
Mean by Name calling, insults and teasing are types of criticism.
16
positive nor negative about what has been
evaluated, and positive criticism for favor-
able evaluations.
17
" " When people declare they like some- " •" “stupid”
thing, they are providing a positive evalua-
or any other adjective that generally sig-
tive statement.
nals to us that something is disliked, indi-
cate negative criticism has occurred.
The words:
The words:
18
" " When Quill tells Luann that her voice
has a nice unforced quality, he indicates
that he has evaluated her voice and he
likes its unforced quality. This is an exam-
ple of positive criticism.
19
In the first panel of this comic, we see comment was not negative criticism, but,
Luann glaring at Tiffany and calling her a instead, neutral criticism.
snot. This is an example of name calling.
In the first panel of this Luann comic,
When Luann asks with her eyes glar- it is clear that Luann is trying to insult Tif-
ing, “Why are you such a snot to me, Tif- fany. When people try to insult someone,
fany?” she indicates that she has evaluated they are not only trying to provide nega-
how Tiffany is acting toward her and she tive criticism, they are also trying to pun-
doesn’t like it. And so this is an example of ish the target of the negative criticism by
name calling and providing negative criti- making them feel bad.
cism.
Luann, in this example, is trying to
Sometimes people provide negative punish Tiffany by making her feel bad
criticism without name calling. In the sec- about what she said to her.
ond panel of the above comic, Luann says,
I see no signs of any teasing in this
“What?! Just now I tried to chat and you
Luann comic.
cut me off with ‘I don’t care what you
think.”
20
" " In the Big Nate comic we looked at ear-
lier, we saw a clear case of teasing.
21
SOME FORMS OF NEGA-
TIVE CRITICISM ARE
NOT INSULTS, NAME
CALLING, OR TEASING
" " Although insults, name calling, and
teasing are types of negative criticism, not
all negative criticism involves insults, name
Instead, in as kind a way as he can, " •" Name calling, insults and teasing are
Quill is trying to teach Luann to improve. types of negative criticism
Learning to provide negative criticism in a
" •" Not all forms of negative criticism are
way that avoids the use of insults, name
examples of insults, name calling and teas-
calling and teasing can help you to im-
ing
prove how much people will like and re-
spect you. " •" Learning to provide negative criticism
in a way that avoids the use of insults,
name calling and teasing can help you to
improve how much people will like and re-
spect you
SUMMARY
" " So, there you have it—the basics
about criticism. Let’s summarize what we
have covered.
23
4
The Five
Levels of
Responding
to Criticism
" " When we are being provided criticism, we can start to
feel defensive and angry. The mere possibility that someone
might be threatening to interfere with our being liked can
cause an emotional storm on an angry sea that makes it
very difficult to see clearly what is actually going on.
25
LET’S GET STARTED
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In comics, it is sometimes funny to bills. Rather than being funny, this would
see someone get clobbered: be very painful and sad.
" " In this Beetle Bailey comic, Beetle in- In your opinion, what might be a bet-
sults Sarge, calling him a blowhard. Sarge ter way for Bonnie to handle Hugo’s criti-
ends up smashing him around, and in the cism? Here’s one alternative:
end we see Beetle crumpled up on the
floor.
" Bonnie first recognizes that she has been
This is known as slapstick humor and
criticized. She therefore pauses. Then she asks
it certainly can make people laugh. But in
herself, what is the best way to handle this situa-
real life, Sarge probably would go to prison
tion?
for treating Beetle like that.
$$ “Hmmm,” she says to herself, “let me see if I
The Tiger comic we have been discuss-
can find out a little more about why Hugo is in-
ing ends with Hugo going flying from Bon-
sulting me. He may be just teasing me for the fun
nie’s punch while she says “Have a nice
of it. Or he may be jealous that the other club
day!”
members like me better than him. Or he is really
Although this is a funny punch line to trying to encourage me to act better at the meet-
end a comic, in real life, if Bonnie slugs ings. Or maybe there’s another reason I can’t
Hugo she could get into a lot of trouble. even guess. I’ll ask him some questions to see if I
The police might arrest her. If it happened can find out.”
in school, the principal could call her par-
$$ Bonnie, looking into Hugo’s eyes, asks in a
ents. If Hugo really got hurt from the
friendly manner, “Hugo, I feel like you’re trying
punch, he would have to go to the hospi-
to insult me. What’s going on?”
tal. Someone would have to pay the doctor
27
$$ “I told you, Bonnie, what you
said at the meeting was stupid!” Hugo
replies.
28
THE FIVE LEVELS OF (regardless of whatever else is said or
done).
DEALING WITH CRITI-
" •" Damages property (regardless of
CISM what else is said or done).
29
or damaging anything.
4. Individuals at this level listen to the
" •" Criticizes the criticizer without criticizer in a supportive, warm,
first fully addressing the original criti- friendly style, and then make it clear
cism. that they fully understand what was
said.
Moreover, they put the criticizer at
ease by making statements that indi-
cate that the wise learn from criticism.
Some time is spent on showing that
they are thinking about the
criticism.
3. This level requires displaying one or
both of
If, after thinking about the criticism
the fol-
the criticism is deemed to be correct,
lowing:
they make a statement frankly indicat-
" •" Dis-
ing:
plays de-
fensive-
“I can see your ideas have merit, and I in-
ness with-
tend to use them in the future.”
out directly insulting the criticizer
(raising voice’s volume or pitch).
If they are not sure if they agree, they
" •" Displays a lack of interest either
make a statement indicating that they
by verbally indicating this, or with non-
are very interested in what was said,
verbal cues, or complete silence.
plan to think a little more about this
over the next few days, and then they
will be ready to discuss this
further.
If, after thinking about the criticism,
the criticism is deemed to be incor-
rect, a statement is made designed to
30
disagree without being disagreeable. THESE FIVE LEVELS
More specifically, a sense of humor,
ARE JUST A STARTING
some listening in a caring way, and a
few smiles help to traverse rough ter- POINT
rain.
" " Okay, there you have it—Five Levels of
Responding to Criticism. As you look them
As the episode winds down, the criti-
over, you may find yourself either agreeing
cizer is encouraged to feel comfortable
or disagreeing that they do a good job of
communicating suggestions in the
describing immature and mature ways to
future.
deal with criticism. Either way is fine. The
five levels, as described above, are just de-
5. In addition to actions consistent with signed to help you to start thinking for
level 4, people acting in a manner con- yourself about these types of issues.
sistent with level 5 seek ways to use,
To help you to figure out what you
whenever they disagree with the criti-
like and dislike about the five levels of re-
cism, a technique known as steering in
sponding to criticism, it makes sense to be-
the direction the criticizer would pre-
come a little more familiar with them.
fer to go.
That’s what we do in the next chapter.
That is, rather than just disagreeing
without being disagreeable, the criti-
cized person seeks to find a new
choice of action that creatively utilizes
something suggested from the criti-
cism. Steering cannot be incorporated
into all situations, but it is an addi-
tional goal of the most mature individu-
als.
"
31
5
Here’s a fun way to go about getting familiar with the five
levels. I’ll provide a comic strip in which a character re-
sponds to criticism. You get to try to identify which of the
five levels best matches the response.
Getting " " After you take your guess, I’ll model my reasoning of
how I identified which of the five levels is the best match.
Familiar with We’ll do this using several comic strips so that you get
" " As you practice doing this, from time to time you’ll no-
Levels of tice that I’ll be making one or two additional brief com-
Responding ments about a comic. Some of these are designed to help
you to make connections with some ideas we learned in ear-
to Criticism lier chapters, and some provide a quick explanation of why
one level of responding to criticism is viewed as less mature
than another.
" " Let’s get started with a For Better or for Worse comic
strip on the next page.
32
33
In this comic, Lizzie’s brother seems This looks like it might be a pretty
to be criticizing her because he doesn’t good match with what Lizzie does. The
want her to bother him anymore. Lizzie re- second two statements in the level 1 de-
sponds to the criticism from the boys by scription are about physical attacks and
crying. Guess which of the five levels best damaging property. Lizzie, while respond-
matches Lizzie’s response to the criticism. ing to the criticism, doesn’t physically at-
tack anyone, nor does she damage anyone’s
My Response: If you guessed that Lizzie’s
property.
overall response best matches the level 1
description then you matched my guess. The response only needs to fit one of
the three statements in the level 1 descrip-
Here’s a description of how I came up
tion.
with my guess.
Just because Lizzie cries doesn’t auto-
As I began to glance over the five-
matically mean she matches the level 1 de-
level descriptions, my eyes came first to
scription. If she cries and also displays a re-
level 1. This level requires that the per-
sponse that matches either level 4 or 5 (the
son responding to criticism does one or
two most mature levels), she would de-
more of the following:
serve to get some higher rating as long as
" •" Cries (that is, weeps or sobs with tears she hadn’t physically attacked the criti-
or pouts) without displaying any other set cizer or damaged property. For example, a
of responses that matches one of the two level 4 response is described as follows:
highest levels
Listens to the criticizer in a supportive,
" •" Physically attacks the criticizer (re- warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear
gardless of whatever else is said or done) that he or she fully understands what was said.
The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease
" •" Damages property (regardless of what
by making statements that indicate that the wise
else is said or done)
learn from criticism.
" " The first of the three statements in
Some time is spent on showing that he or
the description is: Cries (that is, weeps or sobs
she is thinking about the criticism. If, after think-
with tears) without displaying any other set of
ing about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to
responses that matches one of the two highest
be correct, a statement is frankly made indicat-
levels.
34
ing, “I can see your ideas have merit, and I in- " •" A statement such as, “Let me think
tend to use them in the future.” about this.”
If, after thinking about the criticism, the criti- " •" Pausing
cism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is
" •" Asking some questions to clarify is-
made designed to disagree without being dis-
sues
agreeable. More specifically, a sense
of humor, some listening in a car-
ing way, and a few smiles help to
traverse rough terrain.
35
crying. Do you think people should be em- negative criticisms to Sally it wouldn’t have
barrassed about crying? Does it depend on been so bad, but for crying out loud, he
the situation? just doesn’t know when to give it a rest!”
My answer: Sally has responded to Ted’s right now I want to be left alone.”
criticism by swiping his shirt with the win-
Even the most mature people have a
dow frame paint. Sally’s response best
limit to how much criticism they can take
matches level 1 because she damaged Ted’s
over a brief period of time.
property.
36
Let’s try this Peanuts comic. How he is thinking about them. He then makes
would you rate Linus’s response to Lucy’s a few supportive, friendly comments, such
criticism? as, “This was very thoughtful of you,
37
Now, sometimes people go the other
way and begin by being defensive, but after
a few seconds, calm themselves down,
apologize, and then respond in a manner
that is more like the description of level 4
or even a level 5. This is at least better than
never responding at a high level.
38
In this next comic, three girls begin My answer: Charlie Brown does noth-
to shout at Charlie Brown, demanding to ing to put the girls down and lets them
have it out with him. How would you go know he agrees with them while appar-
about rating Charlie’s response? ently using a supportive voice. I think this
39
Next, we look at a parable that fur- Mr. Rodriguez thinks about this, and, at first,
ther helps us to become familiar with the he says to himself, “The principal will never go
Five Levels of Responding to Criticism. along with letting the students pick a place to go
on a field trip.” With this in mind, he prepares to
THE PARABLE OF MR. turn down, as pleasantly as possible, the sugges-
RODRIGUEZ tions that the students are tossing out to him.
But then he thinks about try-
ing to come up with a way to
steer in the direction of the stu-
dents’ criticism.
He comes up with an idea.
“Field trips are for learning,”
he tells the class, “and the prin-
cipal chose this trip to the mu-
seum. I understand that you
want to have some say as to
what field trip we go on.
What if I ask the principal to
$ Mr. Rodriguez tells his students that next provide to me three field trips
month they are going ona field trip to a museum. she would be willing to approve, and then I’ll
His class begins to criticize the trip. ask you to choose one from the three she comes up
“Whenever we go on field trips we always go with—would that be better?”
to boring places,” says Nick. The students all love this idea.
“Why can’t we pick a place to go on a field Mr. Rodriguez then asks the principal about
trip?” says Jody. providing three choices so the students can choose
“How do the rest of you feel about this?” asks the one they most prefer. The principal thinks
Mr. Rodriguez. this is a great idea and chooses three acceptable
“We should go to an amusement park instead!” trips: the museum, the zoo, and the botanical gar-
says one girl. dens.
“I think we should see a new movie at the Then, the next time Mr. Rodriguez returns to
mall,” says a boy. his class, he says, “Remember yesterday I said we
Clearly the other students in the class are be- were going to the museum?”
hind Nick and Jody’s criticisms.
40
“Yeah,” says Nick. “A field trip to the museum WHAT WE CAN LEARN
again! That’s boring!”
FROM THIS PARABLE
“Well,” replies Mr. Rodriguez, “how about
choosing between the museum, the zoo, or the bo- " " The way Mr. Rodriguez handled his
tanical gardens?” class’s criticism is an example of a level 5
The students end up choosing the zoo. Mr. response. Although he didn’t completely
Rodriguez is delighted with this because the prin- agree with the students’ criticism, instead
cipal had him going, every year, for the last ten of completely rejecting it, he steered in the
years, to the museum and he has grown tired of direction of the criticism.
it. He’s never been to the zoo, and he and his stu-
That is, he took the students’ ideas
dents feel better having been given a choice. Per-
about their choosing the place to go on
haps most of all, Mr. Rodriguez is delighted be-
the field trip, and used it in such a way
cause he knows that he has avoided having to
that both he and the students ended up
deal all day with a bunch of students who would
feeling better off with the end result.
have been complaining the entire time they were
at the museum. It takes a bit of creativity to come up
with these types of steering plans, but with
practice you can get good at it and it can
earn you a great deal of respect.
THE RESPONDING TO
CRITICISM PLAN
" " You have now become familiar with
the five levels of responding to criticism
and given them some thought. If you don’t
agree with them, make up your own five
levels.
41
help you to improve your responding to
criticism skills.
42
To get good at this plan, for a few
weeks spend five minutes at the end of the
day thinking about the last time you re-
member being criticized.
43
6
" " Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this guide as much as
I enjoyed writing it. By now, you have a much better under-
standing about what it means to be insulted, teased and
criticized.
A lot of times
Conclusion when someone is us-
ing name calling, in-
sults, and teasing,
there are several de-
sires to consider.
Two big ones are the
desire to be liked
and the desire to be free to do what you want. When some-
one feels a person might be interfering with these two de-
sires, oftentimes a storm kicks up and it becomes hard to
see what’s happening just up ahead.
45
Some people who read a book such as Keep this paper on your refrigerator
this end up saying, “Wow! The ideas I door. You will see it there each time you
learned really made an enormous improve- reach for some food. This will help to re-
ment in my life.” Others say, “I have been mind you to check your calendar and to fol-
finding many of my new skills very helpful. low through with this plan.
However, when someone makes me very
If you don’t have a wall calendar be-
angry, I find those skills fly right out the
cause you use a phone calendar, no prob-
window. Is there anything I can do about
lem. You can put a recurring reminder in
this?”
If you feel you need some extra work your phone's calendar to remind you to
on controlling your anger upon completing carry out this activity, as well as the other
this guide, go to your wall calendar and for activity that I’m now going to describe.
each week over the next month, draw a
In addition to these weekly calendar
star on a day that you can spare five min-
reminders, also write down on your calen-
utes. Next to the star, write
dar two stars on a day that falls about one
“CRITICISM.”
month after you finish this guide.
This starred message is designed to re-
Pick a day for the double stars that
mind you that on each of the starred dates
you can spare a half hour to do the follow-
you are to take five minutes to write down
ing: Take down from your refrigerator your
on a sheet of paper the most difficult criti-
list of criticism situations that you de-
cism that you have recently faced and then
scribed each week. Bring it over to your
try to come up with the best way that you
copy of this guide. Then begin to flip
can think of to handle it if a similar situa-
tion occurs in the future.
46
through it, taking note of some ideas that once per week would agree to call you and
have begun to fade from your memory. discuss how you have followed through
with this plan. During these reminders,
Read over a few of the comics. This
spend a few minutes to discuss with this re-
will refresh your memory of some of the
liable person what you have been learning.
ideas that are connected to how the comic
was used in the guide. It will also help you Such help should not go without a re-
to keep your sense of humor as you wrestle ward. Let the person who is to be giving
with your criticism problems. you the reminder know that if you manage
to complete a whole year of this exercise,
When you come upon sections that
you will treat him or her to a celebration
are specifically related to the various types
dinner at a fine restaurant. If you are too
of criticism situations you described over
young to take someone out for dinner,
the course of the month, thoroughly re-
then see if your parents will be your re-
read them.
minder. Parents can often be persuaded to
Then, for the following month, again help their kids just out of pure love.
write on your calendar the two types of re-
Also available on line is my blog,
minders that you have done for the previ-
From Insults To Respect: A Guide to An-
ous month (the single star reminder for
ger, Conflict and Respect. The blog can be
the weekly five-minute criticism descrip-
used as a free curriculum that teaches the
tions and the double star reminder for the
social skills to deal with many of these
monthly review of each weekly criticism
types of challenging experiences.
situations that you have been keeping on
the refrigerator).
47
A particularly powerful way to teach
skills that deal with name calling, insults
and criticism is through novels that are de-
signed for this purpose and are exciting to
read.
48