Absolutely not. Oops, sorry. [slides candy back to Pam] Oops. Yes. You will.

Yeah we weigh about the

same, wouldn’t you say? Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael? What's that supposed to
mean? [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey. Yesterday was the first round of
a branch wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by Weyer-Hammer Paper in an effort to
get us to sell more of their new product Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. It's not so easy on
the environment, if you know what I mean. [whispers] Practically made of plastic. I think one of the
greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer
sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a
huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old
bread factory. I'm closer to firing you. Dammit, Michael! I reminded you last night. That could have
gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset. What does he like? [singing] Claude Van
Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with "piece." Fancy Feast!
[sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it. That’s okay. I know how
to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you
gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time. It's not a popularity contest. Although it
does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. I'm gonna find
Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle. Who's gonna tell on
us? Gabe? [whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write
down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?

Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the
greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that
figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't
cross me. But you're the best. It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his
desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, "I will when you lose the baby weight." Wow, that's a lot of
keys. [to Stanley] What's up with this guy? I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb
out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good. [Dwight's footsteps sound from
the ceiling] Just drive away. Just.. Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you. [to waitress]
Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking
years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting. Dwight. Hey. Cool. Hey, are you
guys hiring? Ho-oh! There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you
like more proof? My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her 'Mom you should
sell this, you'd make a fortune' and she always says 'No it's just for family.' Well finally I was like f***
it, I'll sell it so I'm like 'Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends'
and she's like 'uh, ok' ... pesto party? Really? Anyway... she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so
good. And Phyllis... just had that mom look I wanted. I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.
Thanks, Kevin. Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting
tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape
player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in
background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck. I would like to invite you all to come away with me,
on a journey. [nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down] Welcome! To the
Michael Scott Paper Company! What's up? No, no, no.

Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it? Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Hang up. [Creed hangs up] Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this
picture. [shows Creed two similar-looking photos of some building] Intel has told us there were at
least seven. [voiceover the three walking] The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim
and I had here at Gettysburg and that’s good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be,
like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it’s really more like they’re just people who work
in an office and I’m their manager. Yeah that’s really probably a better analogy now that I think about
it. It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it. Kaaw! ....Dude. Thank you. I have nothing in
common with Plop. Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not
gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her
purse] Do you have a light? They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian
for the program. She'll be the first. The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't
sound right. Actually, it's ten thousand. Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as
lazy. Don't you mean 'Koi Story'? [marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and
exhales] This is what we know. [to camera] What am I up to? That was fun. Next round of drinks is on
me, people! I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending
machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door. Michael
just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in
pieces when things are slow. Oh. Gross.

[choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a
mother[bleep]. To be honest, I still can't believe he didn't call her back. Who doesn't call a dork like
that back? I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying
for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars. That guy
Miles who quit to form his own company? Ten years ago, I didn’t care if Dwight got married or died a
beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and
now I’m like, that poor gimp is somebody’s child. Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life.
I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with
your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids. I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a
cappella group from a college we never went to. When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales
office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now. The purse girl hits everything on my
checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The
Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand]
Michael Scott. After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two
years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight. Hey. This is my gym,
my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked. Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me.
He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him. Yep, right after you. Apres-vous.
[mouths to Pam] No calls. Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I
like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim.
Please, please, please... I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or
being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't
exist? I should've known. Poopball? I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one. Where
you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride. I would like to toast someone who isn't here but
who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton!

[as a car approaches the grave site] Who is that? This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed.
[chuckles] For once daddy's gonna be a hero. If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to
recuperate surrounded by doctors. I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less
happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of
the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager. When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go
out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently
thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the
restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was
the worst birthday I think I ever had. So, Stanley, are you really outta here? Ok, did everyone get one?
With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the
environment. Please. The life preservers. I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate
smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.
Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face] Mmm hmm. Don't
just criticize my idea! The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own
graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. Most of our business
comes from selling printers. So don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer
salesmen who also sell paper. Why? [on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder
Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity
Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will
attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. My
doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems. We are giving money that has been gambled.
Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity? There are very
few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em.
Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.

Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just
because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I
dunno. Just, not yet. Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my
originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie." I
try not to think about it. You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?
Hello? Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up! [sighs] I don't even know what the truth is
anymore. [on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more
thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I'm so glad. We're all very
excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here. Nice. Really?
Well, I hope I do. [in the office, crosses Dwight off his list. He has paint in his messed up hair, and is
containing his laughter] I sure do. [after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther] So, I
forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a
crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks.
[Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied] I have got big balls. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to..
I'm the captain. [to boat guy] Hey, charm school. Come on. I was in line before you. What has two
skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong? Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it.
Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats. You don't need a reason to throw a
garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It's a garden party. You don't
need a reason.

Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note telling him
who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is he doesn't get
that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes. You never update it. Get out of here.
Yeah, there it is. You're welcome. [as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn’t go there. [Kevin
shushes him] Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family! Hello. Oh, good
for you. I worry about you. You could all be doing this, just saying. Oh how dare you. They don't
warn you when the cameras are driving by. Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide. [clapping
and cheering] I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I’m telling someone how to do
somethin’. I go on with a long description and then I say, “and shove it up your butt.” It’s stupid, but
it’s my thing now. Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the
enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst
enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But- Oh, this guy is
having a breakdown. I think I do. [Holding his head out of Dwight's car] Angela’s cats are cute. So
cute that you just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin. I am not
surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk. I'm a little surprised that it's working. Once
I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will
need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And
overqualified.

It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my
friends, they're committed to me. Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results. [Erin
crosses fingers and smiles excitedly] Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good,
there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture
from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you
to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem. No matter how many
times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my
relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight. Dwight! So we need someone to work this
Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim. Thank you. Maybe I should be insulted that he only
invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But, he could of invited any number of Hispanics that
he knows. His gardener, Rogelio. Or he could've invited... Rogelio. But, he chose me. Rogelio's
Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian. What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each
day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and
desperate situations yield the quickest results. Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because
managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months.
Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional
blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me. Let's
get back to work. Was that hot or what? I am going to go get laid. Goodbye. Well, he's just thinking
about his own gifts. [shudders] Whew. [standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss
her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing] That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them
collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena
vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice. That seemed to shut her up.
[laughs] You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.

So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours. No. Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up
being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give. Ahh! [bird steals
her hat] Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney,
because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. What? Close
your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy
pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again.
Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on
you. Good one. I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy
gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else. Hey, so how
was it? I mean… the sex with Jan. I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist.
But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad
had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon? Michael, the baby's already been born. Look, it doesn't
take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country
that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism
be without the popes? Always the padawan, never the Jedi. Yesterday, Angela may or may not have
figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes
in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual. Great....Well, it'll
bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse. Ok. Let’s say that I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny
bit like that one. Just… more adult… more… scary and sexy Ah, well, I'm interested in business.
Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye
Dwight. [at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card] Dwight?
[knocks] Hello? Dwight?

What are... What are you doing? I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him. Actually,
it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow. No. Everybody takes the subway in New
York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay,
there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there. Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder
Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators. No. I want Tropical Christmas. [snickers
at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool. I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I
don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me. No matter
how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways.
From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong.
I'm the bad guy. I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and
now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes. Who's gonna see us? Did you ever have a thing for
Pam? Oh, yes I can. When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two
chairs. Only one to go. Got that. [Metallic thud] Get down. And person. How are you Tom. Nice to
see you. Yes, yes, yes! Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called
'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make
a run for it. [holds cellphone]

[whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in
terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth] My birthday was yesterday, and
everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a
party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. Michael wants a
strippergram? Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to
process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said
"Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient." [smiles] Stripper?
Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers. Put the game on hold
everyone. She's trying. Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder
Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks
forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith
or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really
funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an
award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next
thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's
hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So... He looks worse. I just remembered... I kissed that
man. Oh, no. Oh, no. All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember.
Come on. We're down here. Right. All right [high fives Kevin] Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend. I
know that it’s pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a
freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that’s when I became somebody.
When I got the nickname "Boner Champ," that is when I became me. I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him
what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't
have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle.
Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides. Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made
me gag too. [Andy laughs, walks away, Erin throws away her pin] Jim and I are pretty sure she had an
affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said
that? I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons.
[on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York
accidentially. I'll be like three hours late.

When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another
Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my
birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about
it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had. They say the best
vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to
be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win.
Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not
motivated by compassion. Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not
being the only pregnant woman in the office. You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull."
Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of
work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking
lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls
Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone
tag. A little bit more and I would have had it. Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody
it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer. Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business? You
know, I had never been out of the country before now? Just now. Hey, Michael. [on the phone] We
have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you. [pulls food truck
up to where Dwight and Nate are standing] Where you want I park? [on phone] I just want to make a
point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to
make a few moves in this off-season. One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it
for you though, because eggnog is seasonal. Thank God. [on the phone] Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a
chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile. Well... Let's go. Society
teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't
wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. Period. Hey dude, you know what
a "rundown" is?

I don’t really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole
shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke
anyone’s trust. About the pens. The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going
wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get
back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to
say those things. [singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong,
wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and
meeee... I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why
Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell
her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of
the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates. Hello,
Pam. Hey, Dwight. It’s David. What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry? I'm happy for him. I
hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know
saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am.
[thinks] That's Popeye. I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say
they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the
money. And quite honestly, the women. Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school...
maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers. Last week, I was in a drug
store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of
the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven
dollars. [On phone] Hello?....Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?....Nah. No no, I
didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won....Oh, you wanna call him?
Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?....Oh, his number's in your old phone.
Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops. I can't believe I didn't think of toasting
Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley's mistress? [whispers to Meredith]
I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation
center that you mentioned? What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense
of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate
situations yield the quickest results. I'll be with you in a moment. I get the sense that Val enjoys a
good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard.
[Gestures milking a cow] Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen. Mmm-hmm.
Threatening you? No. [tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple]

The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining",
"Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the
movies where they have a perfect family and everything. Un-be-liev-a-ble. I am off to New York. My
brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch,
to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two. See, this is a
beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things.
Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife? Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show
Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up
in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my
mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you
want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy
clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. [tugs and pulls in vain at
the clown painting] She's gonna love it. Right? [sniffs] There's no fires within eight miles of here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach
Shane. Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And
that's what you want, right? Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on
wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So... You wanna
see a picture of me trapped under a tree? [cell phone rings] …ahhmmm… excuse me… What?! Not
now, I'm busy. We have a date! He's really making you work for it, huh? Ugh... that is a long story.
Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now
having him do my laundry as punishment. It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress. Uh, no.
No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right
now. I'm full on corrupt! Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat] They did not.

[marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we know.
Me? Oh, I'm fine. I mean, sure, times are leaner now that I'm separated from the Senator. But my new
studio apartment is just fine [camera shows small cluttered space with excessive cats and Phillip
crying] for me.. and Phillip... and Tinky... and Crinklepuss, and Bandit 2, and Pawlick Baggins, and
Lady Aragorn and their 10 kittens. I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's
my fault- Give me that. There were. A lot of them. I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the
staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck. Once
I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will
need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And
overqualified. Colorado! The sunshine state. How did you now my plane had arrived? How long have
you been stalking me? Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all. If
Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure? Hey, Dwight. My parents met
Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know,
whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around,
seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she
thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but... Twelve hundred dollars is what I
spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps
the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator] No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed
into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story?
Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids, doing it. [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close!
Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right
back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are
inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim
goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs!
[laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam] [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like
clockwork. [using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim]
Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the
gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in
on Jim and Dwight] I did stand up comedy once.