Attachment styles quiz pdf

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Have you ever wondered how attachment styles are measured? Whether the test you are completing is actually reliable? Whether you’ll get your real result? If you have, you’re definitely right to be cautious, and maybe even a bit skeptical, when taking free online attachment style tests. Scientists spend years developing, testing, and validating their
measurements. Unfortunately, not all tests offered online (and for free) are actually backed up by science.

And that’s a big issue, especially when it comes to mental health matters. Getting a false or inaccurate result might be confusing, and even harmful, to people who are looking for psychological advice and support. For these reasons, we’ve decided to share with you a bit about the science of attachment style tests. In this blog post, you’ll get an idea of
how it all started and how attachment tests have developed over time. You’ll also discover what scientists actually measure with an attachment quiz. As the title suggests, this article offers an overview of science-based and validated attachment style tests that researchers use in their studies. The idea of “measuring attachment” began with the work
of Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s. With numerous studies of infant-mother dyads and the relationships within those dyads, Ainsworth’s work forms the foundation for the assessment of attachment differences. Even though Ainsworth focuses primarily on infants’ – and not on adults’ – attachment patterns, her approach, theoretical framework, and
coding system have been used as a basis for succeeding attachment style tests. Adopting Ainsworth’s classification of three attachment patterns – secure, anxious, and avoidant – Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver come up with their attachment prototype framework. [1] [2] They formulate three short descriptions of behaviors in romantic relationships
(each one corresponds to one of the attachment patterns) and ask adults which description best depicts their past experiences in intimate relationships. This type of measurement, however, does not allow researchers to take into account individual differences within each category (or prototype). To overcome this issue, future assessments utilize
continuous scales to better illustrate each individual’s position within the different attachment categories. Over time, research on attachment measurement has grown and evolved tremendously.
In the following section, we share with you 10 top-rated, validated, and widely used self-report attachment style tests. Firstly, the AAQ is one of the questionnaires that deconstructs the attachment prototype descriptions into separate items. There are 17 items in total. AAQ classifies attachment patterns based on two dimensions – anxiety and
avoidance. [2] [3] The average scores on the avoidance and the anxiety scales are calculated to determine the individual’s avoidant attachment and attachment anxiety. Even though this test is relatively old, the AAQ has been proven to be a valid and reliable measure of attachment avoidance and anxiety. [4] [5] Similar to Simpson and colleagues (the
creators of AAQ), Nancy Collins and Stephen Read also deconstruct the three attachment prototypes and formulate a test with 18 items in total. [3] [6] A unique aspect of this attachment test is that the authors include additional items – measuring one’s perception of their partner’s availability and responsiveness as well as one’s reaction to separation
from their partner. Collins and Read outline three subscales of attachment: discomfort with closeness, discomfort with dependency, and anxiety about being rejected and abandoned. Results of the test are calculated based on the average score of the items in each of the three subscales. [6] Unlike other measurements, the AAS contains two scales
related to attachment avoidance. Even though both discomfort with closeness and dependency are highly correlated to attachment avoidance, the distinction between these two subscales is a unique feature of the AAS that might be quite useful, depending on the aim and context of the assessment. [7] The Attachment Style Questionnaire (ASQ)
contains 40 items, the scores on which can be used in two ways. [8] First, the ASQ outlines 5 subscales (see picture below), so the final test score can be used to represent where an individual stands regarding each of the five dimensions: Second, the ASQ also allows the calculation of one’s attachment score on two general dimensions – avoidant
attachment and attachment anxiety.
There are two main advantages of the ASQ. The first advantage is in the way the test is formulated. Unlike the previous tests we mentioned, the ASQ refers to close relationships, and not necessarily to intimate relationships. This makes it suitable for younger individuals, who might not have much experience with romantic partners yet. The second
benefit is that ASQ allows for a more precise assessment of specific facets of attachment avoidance or anxiety. The ASQ has been tested in numerous studies and has been found to be a highly reliable and valid measure. Taking into account Bowlby’s framework on internal working models, in 1990, Bartholomev conceptualizes attachment styles in
terms of one’s perception of self and one’s perception of others (as depicted in the picture above). This results in the formation of four attachment prototypes (and not three, like in previous frameworks and assessments). [9] A few years later, Griffin and Bartholomev develop the RSQ, which consists of 30 items.

Attachment styles are calculated based on the average score of the items for each of the attachment categories. [10] The Experiences in Close Relationships Scale (ECR) is probably the most known and used attachment styles test. It has been translated into 17 languages and used in hundreds of academic studies. [11] In 1998, Brennan, Clark, and
Shaver analyze all of the items used in attachment tests so far. As a result, they come up with two scales, each of which indicated one of the two attachment dimensions – attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety. [11] The ECR test has demonstrated excellent scores on validity and reliability, which confirms that it’s a highly accurate
measurement of one’s attachment style. In addition, ECR can be used in a wide range of contexts. ECR has been shown to assess attachment styles adequately among various groups – young adolescents, older adults, homosexual individuals, psychiatric patients, etc. [5] The ECR-R Items (“R” for “revised”) is a revised version of the ECR questionnaire,
in which some of the items have been replaced. The general outline and system of the test, however, is the same. The anxiety and avoidance scales in these two versions of ECR are highly correlated and seem to show similar results across studies. Similar to ECR, ECR-R Items demonstrates high validity and reliability. [12] ECR: Short Versions Due to
its wide popularity, ECR has also been recreated in several shorter versions.
The reason for that was that adding a 36-item questionnaire to the other measurements in a study would often result in a time-consuming and possibly exhausting (for participants) testing. Experiences in Close Relationships Scale (ECR)—Short Version and the ECR-12: A Brief Version of the Experiences in Close Relationships Scale (ECR) are two
short versions of ECR that consist of 12 items, rated on a 7-point scale (identical to ECR). [13] [14] Attachment avoidance and anxiety are calculated based on the average scores of the 6 avoidance items and 6 anxiety items. Both of these questionnaires have shown high reliability. Still, ECR-12 has been tested in various relationship contexts (same-
sex couples, disturbed couples, etc.) and could be considered a slightly better option than ECR-Short Version. [5] ECR: Situational and Relationship-Specific Versions Two more versions of ECR are worth mentioning when it comes to attachment style tests. SAAM places an emphasis on the individual’s state in the present moment. Instead of referring
to previous relationships, or relationship history, one reports the emotions they experience in the current moment. [15] Therefore, SAAM is able to depict one’s temporary and contextual attachment patterns. SAAM is also suitable (and better than ECR for assessing an individual’s attachment-related changes over time. [16]) Lastly, ECR-RS is
designed to assess attachment patterns across various relationship contexts. [17] Indeed, it has been proven to be a reliable measure, and even better than ECR, when it comes to addressing attachment patterns that are specific to a particular relationship (mother, father, friend, partner). The ECR-RS contains 9 items selected from ECR. Individuals
answer those same 9 items four times – referring to the relationships with their mothers (or mother-like figures), fathers (or father-like figures), best friends, and romantic partners. Attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety scales are calculated separately for each relationship. *The ECR-RS is included in our Attachment Style Quiz. Click here to
take the test and get your attachment style report for free!* The measurements described in this article all have a valuable contribution to the field of attachment assessment. They have been used in hundreds of academic studies and have demonstrated a good level of accuracy and reliability. It should be noted, however, that attachment self-report
tests (in general) do have some disadvantages compared to attachment interviews. In short, researchers have argued that self-report tests are subjective, cannot measure the unconscious factors of attachment, are not based on individuals’ rich narrative (about unique memories, experiences, and history), do not depict the role of childhood
experiences in attachment-related differences, etc. [5] Similarly, we believe that attachment interviews with trained therapists can give people a better picture of the functioning of their attachment system. Self-report tests are a great start for someone who’d like to get an idea of where they stand on the attachment anxiety and avoidance scales. Still,
for those who suspect they might have serious attachment disturbances or are simply curious to dive into exploration of their attachment styles, the self-report test might not be enough. If you’re interested in your attachment style, you might also be curious to discover more about how well your caregiving and sexual systems function. The two tests
listed below measure those aspects. These questionnaires are not designed to assess your attachment style, but they are closely related to the topic. CSS is a validated and reliable measure of non-optimal functioning of one’s caregiving system. [18] Our caregiving system is what causes us to protect our loved ones from suffering and in times of
danger and to support and encourage our loved ones to explore, grow, and develop. [19] When the caregiving system is hyperactivated, we become hypervigilant to the needs of others and over-exaggerate those needs. In other words, we put the needs of others (real or imagined) before our own, and we self-sacrifice. [5] This behavior resembles that
of people with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. When the caregiving system is deactivated, we become insensitive and unresponsive to the needs of others. Even when the people we love need closeness and assistance, we keep our emotional distance, lack empathy, and remain relatively uninvolved.

[5] The deactivation of the caregiving system is thus closely related to attachment avoidance. Our sexual behaviors are closely linked to and influenced by our attachment styles. To measure the functioning of an individual’s sexual system, Birnbaum and colleagues designed the Sexual System Functioning Scale (SSFS). [20] Sexual hyperactivation is
characterized by preoccupation with the importance of sex as well as with the partner’s interest, reactions, signals, and needs related to sexual activities. [21] It’s also related to intrusive worries about one’s attractiveness, ability to satisfy the partners, etc. This behavior is similar to the sexual behaviors exhibited by anxious-preoccupied adults. [21]
Sexual deactivation, on the other hand, is characterized by suppressing sexual needs and desires, disregarding the importance of sex and the partner’s sexual needs, and avoiding physical intimacy. [21] This pattern resembles the sexual behaviors of avoidant adults. If you’re struggling with relationships and suspect that you might have an insecure
attachment style, taking a validated and reliable self-report test is definitely a good start. It’s important, however, to keep in mind that not every test you find online is adequate and will give you your real result. Besides, self-report attachment style tests are not as accurate as interviews conducted by trained professionals. So, even if you take a
reliable test, like the one we offer on our website, you could also consider making an appointment with a therapist trained to conduct and score the AAI (Adult Attachment Interview). Prefer to start with an online Attachment Style Quiz? Complete the ECR-RS anonymously and get your attachment style report completely FREE! [1] Ainsworth, M. D.
S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978).
Patterns of attachment: Assessed in the Strange Situation and at home. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum. [2] Hazan, C., & Shaver, P.
R. (1987).
Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. [3] Simpson, J. A., Rholes, S. W., & Phillips, D. (1996). Conflict in close relationships: An attachment perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(5), 899–914. [4] Graham, J. M., & Unterschute, M. S. (2015). A
reliability generalization meta-analysis of self-report measures of adult attachment. Journal of Personality Assessment, 97(1), 31–41. [5] Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (Second Edition). Guilford Press. [6] Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1990). Adult attachment, working models, and
relationship quality in dating couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(4), 644–663. [7] Collins, N. L.
(1996). Working models of attachment: Implications for explanation, emotion, and behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(4), 810–832. [8] Feeney, J. A., Noller, P., & Hanrahan, M. (1994). Assessing adult attachment. In M. B. Sperling & W. H. Berman (Eds.), Attachment in adults: Clinical and developmental perspectives (p. 128–
152). Guilford Press [9] Bartholomew, K. (1990). Avoidance of intimacy: An attachment perspective. Journal of Social and Personal relationships, 7(2), 147-178. [10] Griffin, D. W., & Bartholomew, K. (1994). The metaphysics of measurement: The case of adult attachment. In K. Bartholomew & D. Perlman (Eds.), Advances in personal relationships:
Attachment processes in adulthood (Vol. 5, pp. 17–52). London: Jessica Kingsley. [11] Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (p. 46–76).
The Guilford Press. [12] Fraley, R. C., Waller, N. G., & Brennan, K. A. (2000). An item response theory analysis of self-report measures of adult attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 350– 365. [13] Wei, M., Russell, D. W., Mallinckrodt, B., & Vogel, D. L.

(2007). The Experiences in Close Relationship Scale (ECR)—short form: Reliability, validity, and factor structure. Journal of Personality Assessment, 88(2), 187–204.
[14] Lafontaine, M.-F., Brassard, A., Lussier, Y., Valois, P., Shaver, P.
R., & Johnson, S. M. (2015).
Selecting the best items for a short-form of the Experiences in Close Relationships questionnaire. European Journal of Psychological Assessment. Advance online publication. [15] Gillath, O., Hart, J., Noftle, E. E., & Stockdale, G. D. (2009). Development and validation of a state adult attachment measure (SAAM). Journal of Research in Personality,
43(3), 362–373. [16] Xu, J. H., & Shrout, P. E. (2013). Assessing the reliability of change: A comparison of two measures of adult attachment.
Journal of Research in Personality, 47(3), 202–208. [17] Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C.
(2011). The Experiences in Close Relationships—Relationship Structures questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment, 23(3), 615–625. [18] Shaver, P. R., Mikulincer, M., & Shemesh-Iron, M. (2010). A Behavioral systems perspective on prosocial behavior. In M. Mikulincer & P. R.
Shaver (Eds.), Prosocial motives, emotions, and behavior: The better angels of our nature (pp. 73–92). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. [19] Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Gillath, O.
(2008). A behavioral systems perspective on compassionate love. In B. Fehr, S. Sprecher, & L. G. Underwood (Eds.), The science of compassionate love: Research, theory, and application (pp. 225–256).
Malden, MA: Wiley Blackwell. [20] Birnbaum, G. E., Mikulincer, M., Szepsenwol, O., Shaver, P. R., & Mizrahi, M. (2014). When sex goes wrong: A behavioral systems perspective on individual differences in sexual attitudes, motives, feelings, and behaviors. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(5), 822–842. [21] Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer,
M. (2008).
Augmenting the sense of security in romantic, leader–follower, therapeutic, and group relationships: A relational model of psychological change. In J. P. Forgas & J. Fitness (Eds.), Social relationships: Cognitive, affective, and motivational processes (pp. 55–74). New York: Psychology Press. Who is it for?Is it accurate?Attachment refers to how you
think and relate to others, especially in romantic relationships.Are you “clingy” in your relationships, often becoming jealous if you’re left alone for too long? Or are you more independent and comfortable being alone for long periods?Founded by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded on by Mary Ainsworth in the early 1970s, the
attachment style theory states that “a child’s experiences with attachment figures come to influence in particular ways the pattern of attachment he develops.”In other words, how you navigate relationships throughout life can be determined by how you bonded with your caregivers as a child.There are four types of attachment styles:Secure: If you
have this type of attachment style, your caregivers were likely emotionally available. They were sensitive to your needs and often responded appropriately.
Infants with a secure attachment style were likely soothed by their caregivers when they were upset. Adults with this style are able to navigate relationships well and are generally loving and trusting toward others.Avoidant (aka anxious-avoidant): This type of style is considered an insecure attachment style. As a child, your caregivers may have been
emotionally distant or absent. Children with this style likely didn’t seek out their caregivers during distress. They may have felt rejected and left to fend for themselves. Because of this, adults with an avoidant attachment style may have a hard time trusting others and have a strong sense of independence.Anxious (aka anxious-ambivalent): Also
considered an insecure attachment style, children with anxious attachment styles may be clingy and crave attention from their caregivers, but may also then push them away. If you have this attachment style, you might have a tendency to be jealous and not trust others. You may also have an intense fear of rejection or being abandoned and
alone.Disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant): Children with this attachment style, which is also considered an insecure attachment style, can seem confused at times.
The actions and behaviors of their caregivers may not have been consistent. If you have this attachment style, your behaviors may appear confusing — you might be aloof one day and emotional the next. In adulthood, this attachment style is often associated with mental health conditions, such as mood disorders or personality disorders.Changing
attachment styles is possible. If you want to work toward a secure attachment style and are having a hard time, or simply want more guidance, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.If your attachment style is causing you some distress and affecting your well-being, consider seeking the support of a professional.
This brief, time-saving questionnaire is designed for anyone who wants to know more about their attachment style and how they relate to others, whether friends, family, or romantic partners.The items below will help you determine your attachment style.A mental health professional can also help figure out your attachment style and uncover the
cause behind it. They can also provide tools and strategies to help you work toward a more secure attachment style.This online screening is not a definitive tool. However, it can be used as a self-screening tool and a starting point.Only a trained medical professional, such as a doctor or mental health professional, can help you determine the next best
steps for you. Last medically reviewed on March 18, 2022 Childhood experiences can influence the traits we express in adulthood. Early exposure to absent, neglectful, or emotionally distant parents can shape what we expect from future bonds. According to attachment theory, the patterns of attachment we form when we are young impact our later
relationships with our partners, friends, and families (Gibson, 2020). Without at least one loving, secure, and nurturing relationship, a child’s development can be disrupted, with the potential for long-lasting consequences (Cassidy et al., 2013). This article introduces attachment theory before exploring attachment styles and the potential to change
them. Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships. Attachment Theory in Psychology: 4 Types & Characteristics Early in the lives of the mentally well, young children develop
‘secure base scripts’ – the beginnings of early attachment patterns. For example, “When I am hurting, I go to my mother for comfort” (Cassidy et al., 2013, p. 1417). Over time, such scripts become ‘stories,’ providing a dependable base from which to explore and a safe place to return (Cassidy et al., 2013). When children have negligent parents or
caregivers – perhaps they are not present or emotionally unavailable – they can form unhelpful attachment patterns.
For example, early self-sufficiency may leave individuals unable to develop close relationships and lonely in later life. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s, attachment theory recognizes the importance of the child’s dependence on their caregiver (Bowlby, 1988).
Such an early relationship can lead to four different attachment styles with corresponding underlying characteristics (Cassidy et al., 2013; Gibson, 2020; The Attachment Project, 2020). Dismissive-avoidant (sometimes referred to as ‘avoidant’) Someone who has adopted a dismissive-avoidant style perpetuates a sense of defectiveness and uncertainty
in their relationships. They typically show the following characteristics: Appear withdrawn Emotionally distant in relationships Unlikely to connect at an intimate level Highly independent Find close involvement with their partners difficult Feel overwhelmed when heavily relied upon As a result, the individual may retreat from the relationship
physically and emotionally (Gibson, 2020). Fearful-avoidant (sometimes referred to as ‘disorganized’) An individual who experienced an untrusting relationship with caregivers (they may have been addicts or emotionally unwell) during childhood may be fearful-avoidant across all adult relationships (romantic and otherwise). They typically: Feel
unworthy Are ambivalent in relationships Regularly shift between being distant and vulnerable Over-analyze micro expressions, such as body language, to look for betrayal Fail to trust naturally Feel betrayal is always just around the corner Having, most likely, experienced some form of abuse early in their lives, the individual craves love but expects
betrayal, resulting in unpredictable behavior. Anxious attachment Anxious attachment also results from inconsistency during childhood, often the result of absenteeism from caregivers. They typically: Are high sacrificing people-pleasers Fear rejection Have a heightened fear of being abandoned Overcompensate in adult relationships Sacrifice their
own needs to maintain relationships The individual most likely lacked consistent and predictable caregiving as a child, leaving them expecting to be rejected.
Secure attachment Individuals with a secure attachment style often have experienced available and supportive parents. They typically: Feel secure in relationships Are supportive, open, and available in their relationships Have the potential to shift individuals in other attachment styles to a more secure one Those with a secure attachment style “were
taught you can be safe while being vulnerable and that their needs were worthy of being met” (Gibson, 2020, p. 15).
How to Approach Attachment Styles in Therapy Learning about attachment styles in childhood and their possible causes and effects makes it possible to learn to heal and potentially recover troubled relationships with partners, families, and friends (Gibson, 2020). Attachment-based psychotherapy (not to be confused with Attachment Therapy, which
has questionable efficacy and morality) is based on attachment theory as described by its originator John Bowlby (1988) and typically includes the therapist (Brisch, 2012): Allowing the client to speak via their attachment system Making themselves emotionally available and a reliable and secure base Taking into account the client’s attachment styles
when handling closeness and interactions Acting as a model for dealing with separation Avoiding being too close and being perceived as a threat The client is encouraged to: Become more aware of the attachment strategies they use in their relationships Consider the attachment style they adopt in therapy Compare current perceptions and feelings
with those experienced in childhood Understand that their distorted perception of themselves (and others) may be outdated and unhelpful Verbalize their separation anxieties concerned with being without the therapist It is crucial to recognize that “early childhood interactions between attachment figures and child carry over to therapy” (Brisch,
2012, p. 103).
Treatment should enable the client to access early painful attachment and relationship experiences and recognize how they may have led to perceptual distortions, rigid representations of the self, and destructive relationships in the present (Brisch, 2012). These detailed, science-based exercises will equip you or your clients to build healthy, life-
enriching relationships. Discovering Attachment Styles: 10 Interview Questions & Questionnaires Plotka (2011, p. 4) describes the “Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) as a method of classifying a current state of mind with respect to attachment in adults.” Adult Attachment Interview The Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) was initially created for
research purposes but now forms a regular part of interpreting attachment styles in therapy (Brisch, 2012). The series of questions is used to probe an adult’s early attachment memories and their current strategies for processing information and feelings. The following 10 questions are an excerpt from an AAI protocol (modified from George et al.,
1985: Brisch, 2012): To help me get oriented, could you give me an idea of who was in your immediate family and where you lived? Starting with your earliest memories, can you describe your relationship with your parents or caregivers? What phrases or adjectives come to mind? Which parent did you feel closest to? And why do you think that was?
When you were upset as a child, what would you do? Who would you go to? Can you describe your first memory of separation from your parents? Did you ever feel rejected as a child? Did your parents ever threaten you? How do you think your early experiences may have affected you in adulthood? Why do you think your parents behaved as they did?
The above questions are not complete but provide a sample of the AAI. Attachment Style Interview Another approach, known as the Attachment Style Interview (ASI), takes a social psychological approach to assess attachment and the individual’s current attachment style.
The ASI is a semi-structured interview, typically taking 90 minutes to administer and explore, without predefined questions, but instead openly exploring (Bifulco et al., 2008; Centre for Abuse and Trauma Studies, n.d.): Current ongoing support from present partner Current ongoing support from close confidants Current ability to form and maintain
relationships Current generalized attachment attitudes Overall attachment style The ASI is particularly helpful in the adoption and fostering assessment processes. Can You Change Them? 6 Helpful Worksheets & Handouts “Attachment theory is concerned with safety and trust in intimate relationships.” Chen, 2019, p. 19 Forming a better
understanding of their attachment styles and behaviors can help individuals change them to ones that are more supportive and appropriate to well-balanced relationships. The following worksheets are tools for improving attachment styles through awareness of childhood and adult relationship patterns. Recognizing Relationship Burnout Relationships
can be exhausting, especially when one partner is dismissive, avoidant, fearful, or anxious (Chen, 2019). Use the Recognizing Relationship Burnout worksheet to assess whether the relationship is heading for burnout. Ask the client to rate behaviors that may apply to their relationship and provide an example for each one. The client should review the
answers and look for patterns that may result from either their own or their partner’s attachment styles.
For example, are they overly needy, distant, or fearful their partner will leave? Mapping Emotions “Emotions have both a mental and a physical component” (Chen, 2019, p. 34). Recognizing them can be the path toward self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Use the Mapping Emotions worksheet to direct the client’s attention to their bodily experiences of emotion to reach a greater acceptance of feelings. Ask the client to think of the last time they were angry with someone they cared about and how it felt physically. Where did you feel the emotion in your body (for example, shoulders, chest, stomach,
etc.)? Think of a shape or color that best reflects that feeling (for example, a heavy red ball in the stomach). Encourage the client, with their eyes closed, to think back to that time and the feelings they had with curiosity, acceptance, and self-compassion, then try to imagine the shape or object slowly dissolving, all color and weight leaving.
Recognizing Our Need for Safety and Security Feeling safe and secure is important in life, particularly in relationships. “Security is about reassurance that connection and resources are and will remain available” and is crucial for relationship collaboration and intimacy (Chen, 2019, p. 43). Use the Recognizing Our Need for Safety and Security
worksheet to help the client better understand what they must have to feel safe in daily life or at a stressful time. Ask the client to consider the following: What could you do to prevent yourself from getting stressed? What could your partner do to prevent you from getting stressed?
What could you do to calm yourself down once you are stressed? What could your partner do to calm you down once you are stressed? What can you do to reassure yourself of the relationship connection you have? What things could your partner do to reassure you of the relationship connection you have? Performing an Avoidance Stock Take Avoidant
strategies are most problematic when they stop you from being who you want or behaving in the way you would like (Chen, 2019). Use the Performing an Avoidance Stock Take worksheet to help your client become more aware of the situations that cause them stress and lead to avoidant behavior.
Ask the client to answer the following questions concerning what they find stressful and the situations they avoid. What emotions are you experiencing when you are most stressed or likely to avoid a situation (for example, anger, fear, shame, guilt, hurt, or sadness, etc.)?
What are you looking for or need when you are most stressed or likely to avoid a situation (for example, affection, warmth, love, intimacy, etc.)? What is happening when you are most stressed or likely to avoid a situation (for example, decision-making, losing autonomy, trying to be understood, etc.)? Reviewing their answers should help the client
recognize the feelings and behaviors they find difficult. Rather than avoid them, they can try to explore them with their partner while showing themselves more self-compassion. Identifying Needs and Wants While we may feel frustrated in a relationship about not getting our needs met, we must first begin by being transparent with ourselves about
what these needs are. Use the Identifying Needs and Wants worksheet to explore a situation or issue when you feel your needs have not been met. Ask the client to consider the following: Describe a situation when you feel your needs were not met. Describe each of the needs. What should have happened to meet those needs? How would you have felt
if this had happened? How could you share your needs more clearly with your partner? Accepting Yourself as Being Perfectly Imperfect Sometimes we need to be reminded to give ourselves a break. We are imperfect; we make mistakes and do or say the wrong things. We can work on getting better, but we will never be perfect. Use the Accepting
Yourself as Being Perfectly Imperfect worksheet with your client to think about when they expect perfection and how to be more kind to themselves. Ask the client to answer the following questions: When in your relationship do you expect perfection from yourself? When in your relationship do you expect perfection from your partner?
How do you feel when you fail to be perfect?
How do you feel when your partner fails to be perfect? What do you do when you feel this way (for example, overeat, avoid your partner, shout, etc.)? What message might you give yourself to show more kindness and compassion to yourself and your partner? PositivePsychology.com’s Relevant Resources We have many resources available for
therapists to support couples hoping to address relationship issues and strengthen emotional bonds. Why not download our free positive relationships pack and try out the powerful tools contained within? Some examples include: Identifying Our Expert Companions This exercise helps clients identify expert companions (people who take care of their
emotional needs and offer support) among the variety of people they know and discover what they need from them. The Sound Relationship House Inspection Examine how well a relationship is performing through the lens of the relationship house metaphor to identify opportunities for nurturing. Other free resources include: Anxious Attachment
Patterns Use this exercise to identify and understand anxious attachment patterns in a relationship by digging deeper into an uncomfortable experience. Understanding the Values You Want in a Relationship This worksheet helps you better understand your values and what gives life meaning. More extensive versions of the following tools are
available with a subscription to the Positive Psychology Toolkit©, but they are described briefly below: The Mountain Climber Metaphor Successful client relationships require a strong therapeutic relationship between client and therapist. Self-determination theory suggests three key ingredients for any healthy relationship. The Mountain Climber
Metaphor is a tool for helping address client concerns and paving the way for a healthy alliance by fostering a sense of relatedness. Investing in Valued Relationships We crave meaningful and authentic relationships. In turn, we must invest less in superficial relationships while building more high-quality, valued relationships. Step one – Identify the
people who matter most in your life.
Step two – Select up to four relationships you value and explore the reasons why. Step three – Reflect on how much time you invest in these relationships. Step four – Find ways to invest more time in these relationships by initiating connection, showing appreciation, being present, and listening. 17 Positive Communication Exercises If you’re looking
for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, check out this collection of 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners. Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships. A Take-Home Message Undoubtedly, our childhood experiences can influence our
thinking, beliefs, and behavior much later in life. Solid and secure relationships from caregivers can provide confidence in the bonds we form with our partners, family, and friends as adults. When caregivers are neglectful, absent, or even abusive, attachment styles can develop that predict subsequent relationship patterns.
Our past need not define our future. While attachment theory recognizes the importance of early relationships, it also promotes our capacity for change. None of us are fixed in how we relate to others, and our anxious, fearful, and avoidant behavior can be overcome.
For most of us, our aim is to develop and maintain relationships that are secure, open, supportive, and beneficial to both. Therapy can help clients identify existing unhealthy attachment styles and replace them with new and more helpful ones. This article serves as a helpful starting point for therapists wishing to use knowledge of attachment styles to
benefit their clients’ existing and future relationships and offers worksheets to begin that journey. We hope you enjoyed reading this article.
Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free.
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