Developing the Boundaries of Our Authentic

Self
Heather Dranitsaris-Hilliard
Heather Dranitsaris-Hilliard
LEADERSHIP EXPERT for organizations frustrated with behavior. Leadership training &
solutions. Author & Keynote Speaker
Published May 13, 2021
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Do you keep adapting your behavior to please others and to be what

others expect you to be?   

Do you worry about what people will think of you if you assert yourself
or ask for what you need?   

Do you fear letting others down or disappointing them by not doing

what they want or saying no?  

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, it is a sign you need to do some work to
strengthen your Authentic Self. Not feeling entitled to express yourself or assert your position is
a sign that the boundary between your Self-Protective Persona and Authentic Self has not been
developed and that you are using adaptive, self-protective behaviors to cope. It’s time to actively
take on the challenge of creating healthy boundaries and building tolerance to the discomfort you
feel when you put your energy into supporting yourself instead of protecting yourself.  

Boundaries are part of the psychological system of the brain. It is the boundary between our
Authentic Self and our Self-Protective Persona. When we haven’t developed our Authentic Self
and its boundaries, we are stuck in default mode, using the fight/flight mechanism of our Self-
Protective System to keep others from hurting, shaming or abandoning us.  This automatic
behavior will continue until we do something about it.  

Understanding the Mechanics of the Mind

During our formative years, we first develop a Self-Protective Persona so that our Authentic

Self is protected. It helps us adapt to our environment and the people in it so that we get our
physical and emotional needs met. Our fight or flight mechanism is a part of the Self-Protective
System and it allows us to easily adapt to perceived or real threats. Many people come out of
childhood with an underlying fixed belief that not pleasing others is a threat to their survival and
is an activator of self-protective behavior. This interferes with our ability to self-activate from
our Authentic Self.  
Strengthening our boundaries and developing our Authentic Self means taking responsibility
for what we want and need and what we are willing to negotiate for.  We must decide our
values, our guidelines, rules for safety, and permissible ways for others to behave around us. By
defining and aligning our behavior behind our values, beliefs, and guidelines, we allow ourselves
to be driven by our ambitions, appetites, and potential. We are self-motivated and self-
directed. We do not seek approval or permission from others to affirm us, or to give us
permission to continue, or tell us that what we are doing is okay.  We are confident and
comfortable with setting relationship rules and being disciplined about holding them and not
letting other people cross them. We are more concerned with aligning ourselves behind our own
goals and our own values, and what feels right to us.   

The Boundaries of the Authentic Self Do Not

Develop Automatically
5 Key Skills to Developing and Maintaining Boundaries of the Authentic
Self

1. Develop Self Awareness  
To create healthy boundaries, we must recognize the needs, desires, and appetites of our
Authentic Self. We also must be honest with ourselves about when we are giving in because we
are afraid to speak up or ask for what we need. Without an awareness of our needs and
ambitions, we will continue to put the needs of others first, causing our boundaries to remain
undeveloped. Our need to express ourselves authentically must become greater than the need to
self-protect. We must recognize when we are driven by fear and shift
from our fight/flight reaction to self-activation. 

2. Set Limits & Expectations 

In all relationships, we have to set limits by first setting expectations and rules for what we will
and will not do or tolerate from others. Unknowingly, we all form unconscious psychological
contracts in our relationships, and we can avoid conflict and issues in relationships when we
make them conscious. The first step for employees is affirming our right to do so and clarifying
expectations and limits. In personal relationships, we need to create relationship rules and
guidelines with partners, children, and friends.  

3. Act with Assertiveness 

Being assertive involves expressing our thoughts, feelings and needs while respecting the
person we are talking to. The assertiveness bill of rights highlights the freedoms we have to stand
up for ourselves, while being clear about position without disrespecting others. Understanding
what we are entitled to is the path to building healthy entitlement. We decide to disallow the
behavior of those with an inflated sense of entitlement to steamroll us by calmly asserting our
own needs and desires.  

4. Develop Self Advocacy & Negotiating Skills 

These skills are critical to develop as it allows us to follow through in the face of opposition to
what we want without becoming emotional. They also help us stay the course when
others become emotional. These skills include interest-based negotiating, issue resolution and
non-defensive communication. We are able to label and defuse aggression instead of feeling
victimized by others because we chose to retreat.  

5. Identify & Move Past Fears & Fixed Beliefs about Saying “No” 

When we don’t recognize our fears, we can revert to unconscious self-protective behaviours,

causing us to compromise ourselves. System. Whether our fear is of a real or perceived threat,
our physiology responds as though it is real. We find ourselves automatically saying “yes” when
we want to say no. By identifying our fears and fixed beliefs, we can replace each one with a
supportive, open belief about what we can and have the right to do.   

Time to Develop Your Authentic Self 

Now is the time to take responsibility for the nurturing and care of your own needs, interests, and
unique abilities. To free yourself from the suffering caused by feeling you need to be in the
service of the needs and interests of others. Take responsibility for your actions and stop placing
blame or complaining about the situation or how you’re feeling. Think about the
decisions you’ve made in your relationships and whether they may have contributed to the
situation. 

Our first step is to become aware of when we are operating from our authentic
self and when we're being self-protective. It's easier for us to be self-protective because the brain
is naturally wired that way. It takes time, effort, discipline and energy to strengthen our
boundaries. If we don't we remain reactive, impulsive, and other focused.    

Interested in Learning More

If you are interested in learning more about achieving your potential and developing your
Authentic Self, consider reading the books Who Are You Meant to Be? or Power Past
the Imposter Syndrome.