LamentationS

of the
Flame PrincesS
Adventures

All Dogs
Go to
Hell by
All
Dogs
Go
To
Hell
Text: Semen Tsevelev
Cover Art: Yannick Bouchard
Cartography and Layout: Glynn Seal
Editing: Tom Cadorette
Published by Lamentations of the Flame Princess
My thanks
To Sandra, who never stopped
believing.
To Alvur, Cerne, and Kisa for
playtesting.
To Zak, Becami and Sam, and Jeff for
the merry madness.
To Tom, for fixing and improving.
And to James, for keeping the door
open for weirdos.
This is an adventure about a dog,
written for dog-lovers by a dog-lover.
You might not want to tell your
players that the adventure is titled
“All Dogs Go To Hell”. It might give
them wrong ideas.
And the Dog doesn’t deserve that. It’s
a good Dog.
But in this adventure, bad things
happen to the Dog. Because that’s
why we sit down to play. We want to
deal with things that we care about.
We want to strike down things we
hate and defend things we love, and
achieve some kind of catharsis for
doing so.
1
Text © 2023 Semen Tsevelev
Issued Under Exclusive License
First Edition.
www.lotfp.com
ISBN 978-952-7561-24-9 (PDF)
So let your players meet and befriend
the Dog as people do – enjoying
the company of a furry four-legged
creature that thinks the world of you
and not thinking that one day, too
soon, your friend will die because of
some disease or some motherfucker
drunk driving, or just of old age,
leaving you alone because your
lifespan is much longer.
If you’re one of those people who
refuse to watch a movie when there’s
a dog on the poster because you just
know that the dog is going to die; if
you’re one of those people who has
never watched Old Yeller because you
already knew bad things were going
to happen to the dog; if you’re one of
those people who hated E. Thompson
Seton because Hekla died in the end
of Domino… well, I’m one of those
people, too, and this is the adventure
for you.
So let’s get on with it.
And try to keep the fucking
imaginary Dog alive.
SEMEN
In sunny Ukraine,
Spring, Anno Domini 2023.
 All Dogs Go to Hell
This adventure might end with your
party having a new loyal friend, better
than any human. Or it might end with
your party being stricken down by a
weird, incurable disease.
It takes place in rural Ireland during the
mid-17th century. Still, even in the green
forests, you cannot escape from the evils
brought by men and the things which
surpass human knowledge.
An Approximate Timeline
About three years ago: The Monastery
of Lin-Cataldus was a normal monastic
order where a dozen or so monks lived.
This place of prayer was named after
one Father Lin, the founder of the
monastery, and Saint Cataldus – one
of the many Irish saints who was not
Saint Patrick – famous for defending
towns against plague with his holy
prayers. Or maybe he just made people
wash their hands and keep social
distance. Who knows?
The monks had been regularly taking
more than their share of produce from
the villagers of Tallacht, spending
their days in prayer, deciphering and
copying old parchments, but mostly
sitting around drinking lazily.
Until the night when a man who
carried a magical disease in his
veins came to Lin-Cataldus. This
disease calls itself the Breath. It is
intelligent, bloodborne, and extremely
contagious. Just several droplets of
blood are enough to infect a person – a
handshake, bloodied from a small cut
on the host’s palm, or even a bloody
spit from a bitten lip will do the trick.
2
Soon, all the monks were infected,
and the monastery became a Breath
colony.
The peasants of Tallacht noticed
nothing, as the Breath treated them
no more kindly or cruelly than the
monks did.
The Breath is intelligent enough to
understand that if it spreads too wide
and too fast, it will be discovered and
destroyed. It bides its time, making
plans for the future. The monastery is
remote enough that no one bothers it
and self-sufficient enough (or rather,
serf-sufficient) to avoid any outside
interference.
Sometimes thieves try to steal from
the monastery. They become infected
with the Breath and are compelled by
it to stay on as new monks.
About two months ago: While working
his fields, a peasant finds a strange
hand-shaped stone. When he touches
the stone, his exhausting cough eases
and later disappears completely. The
peasant believes it is a holy relic. In
fact, this stone is both magical and
radioactive. Its radiation affects all
living things, hurting the smaller ones
and stimulating the cells of larger
creatures, such as humans.
About three weeks ago: The relic,
which the peasants call the Healing
Hand and believe to be the petrified
hand of a saint, is brought to Lin-
Cataldus. The Breath realizes that the
Hand is harmful to it and its hosts but
believes destroying it outright would
raise suspicions. Abbot Declan, the
head of the order (and the Controller
Host of the Breath), asks the villagers
of Tallacht to find some reliable men to
escort the holy relic to the faraway isle
monastery of Skellig Michael, where
the pilgrims will be able to see it and to
feel its holy power (and where it won’t
be of any trouble to the Breath).
Four days ago: While on the way to
Dublin, a pit-fighting bear manages to
break out of his cage and runs away
from his owner. The bear is badly
wounded after several bouts and full of
hatred toward humankind.
Last night: Having heard about the
Abbot’s need for an escort for the relic,
a gang of brigands, led by one who
calls herself Flycatcher, comes to the
monastery. They plan to pose as good
God-fearing folks, sneak the relic right
out from under the monks’ noses, and
carry it away across the land. However,
when they arrive, the Hand’s radiation
has already badly damaged the Breath.
Because of this, some of the host
bodies are out of control, screaming
and convulsing in agony. Others are
barely in control of themselves and
drink the Breath-infected blood from
other hosts, hoping it will cure them.
Realizing that the Hand is killing it,
the Breath finally decides it must be
destroyed and sends the Abbot to do
so. Before he could, though, the Abbot
collapsed when he opened the chest
where the glowing rock was kept.
The brigands are obviously not good
God-fearing folks, but the monks’
strange behavior freaks them out,
so they decide to slaughter all the
monks. A dog, the Abbot’s pet,
tries to protect its master but is
wounded by the brigands and runs
away. The Abbot himself is left for
dead in the undergrowth near the
monastery walls.
Today: The Dog finds you.
3
The Village of Tallacht,
the Monastery of Lin-
Cataldus, and Skellig
Michael
The name of the village comes from
Gaelic, meaning “plague pit”. There are
several places in Ireland with names
like that. There is not much to do at
Tallacht. The village has a tavern, a
smithy where simple tools are made,
and several peasant dwellings filled
with peasant families.
There is a forest track between the
village and the monastery, often used
by the villagers. The track goes past an
ill-reputed Bald Hill, where, according
to rumours, naked witches dance at
the night of the full moon (not true),
through the woods, and past the
equally ill-reputed Loch Galar, the
waters of which are said to bring evil
miasma to the body (this is very true,
drinking from or swimming in the
lake requires a save versus Poison. On
failure, congratulations, the character
has contracted leptospirosis! In game
terms, it has an incubation period of
one week, an interval of four hours,
WHY GO TO
THE MONASTERY?
Abbot Declan has made it known
that he requires skilled travelers to
transport a holy relic, promising a
reward for doing so.
The monastery also has a library
of old texts that might interest the
player characters.
Perhaps the party has heard about
the Hand and is interested in its
healing powers.
an infection time of one week, and
the effect of lowering Constitution
— see Rules & Magic, page 35. For
entertainment’s sake, do an internet
search for “the symptoms of
leptospirosis.” Fun!).
The Monastery of Lin-Cataldus is a
smallish abode. A wall with a sturdy
oaken gate surrounds it.
Behind the building itself, opposite the
gate, is a graveyard. The monastery
once had a garden around it, but it
has long since dried up and died (see
above, “drinking lazily”).
Skellig Michael is an island monastery
that has been a center of pilgrimage
for a long time. It is far enough from
Lin-Cataldus to keep the Breath safe
from the radiation of the Hand.
Now…
The characters are on their way along
the forest path that leads from the
village to the monastery and from
there to more civilized places.
Sean, a brave and handsome young
peasant, is happy to be their guide
for a couple of coppers that he will
immediately spend on wine. He doesn’t
know much about anything outside of
life in Tallacht and dreams of seeing
the world.
As he tells the player characters about
his dreams and the boring rural life, he
sips from his wineskin. About an hour
after they leave Tallacht, the wineskin
is empty, and Sean tells the party that
he needs to take a piss and takes a
step from the path into the bushes.
The day is peaceful. Insects buzz
around. A song thrush chirps in
the tree. Suddenly, loud crashing
noise comes from the bushes where
4
Sean is relieving himself, followed
by a deafening roar and a desperate
scream.
The party will find their guide on the
ground, not so handsome anymore,
his body is almost torn in two by a
huge, long-clawed paw. And near
his corpse, a large grey dog – a true
Irish wolfhound, hereafter known as
“The Dog” – fights against a scarred,
collared bear.
As soon as the bear notices the
characters, it will attack them. If the
player characters do not incapacitate
or kill it but instead manage to escape
from it or drive it away, it will come
back to prey on the villagers.
The adventure presumes that the
Dog survives for now. Have the Dog
stay out of the bear’s range, snapping
and retreating, or some other deus ex
machina to keep it alive.
As soon as the immediate problem of
the angry bear is dealt with, the Dog
will try to make the characters follow
it back to the monastery, running
forward along the track and coming
back to check if the characters are
coming, all the while barking at them
impatiently.
The Dog has been trained to get
someone to follow it by patting their
hand or leg with its paw twice – this
is the way it used to ask the Abbot
to follow it. It is also rubbing its ears
with its front paw, trying to shake
something out of its head (the Breath’s
presence and “voice” at this point are
not yet painful, but it is annoying).
The Dog will obey if ordered to shush
and be a good dog, but it will be very
unhappy, make pleading whining
noises, and look into everyone’s eyes
sadly. If it is chased away, the Dog will
return to the monastery by itself and
find its wounded master.
On the Road to the
Monastery
The walk takes an hour. Several
encounters can take place on the way.
On a d6, 1 – no encounter until the
ambush, 2-3 – village girls, 4-5 – the
Madman, 6 – the Madman attacks the
village girls just before the characters
notice them, screaming how he needs
blood. The Referee can also just run
them in this order: the Madman,
then the village girls, and finally, the
brigand ambush.
A BLOODTHIRSTY MADMAN
The Madman used to be a thief before
he tried to steal from the monastery.
He was then infected with the Breath
and became a part of their happy
family. He is the newest “recruit”
of the disease. The radiation of the
Hand has affected him the worst. The
other hosts managed to help him for
a while by giving him their blood to
drink, effectively re-infecting him, but
as they themselves started feeling
the effects of radiation, their blood
stopped helping.
The Madman escaped from the
monastery two days ago. His brain is
damaged so badly that he can barely
think. He does remember that drinking
blood helped him feel better before,
so he tries to find more blood and
screams for it when he sees someone:
“I must have blood! I need it NOW! Give
it to me!” He will try to lick up any
blood that he sees.
The Madman is dressed in rags that
used to be a monk’s robe and has
multiple tattoos all over his body:
crosses, the names of saints, arrow-
pierced hearts, and the family tree of
someone named Reeve tattooed on his
left buttock and lower back.
A curing or healing spell can pacify
him for 1d4 Turns, but his memories
are gone for good. The only thing he
will remember is that the stone Hand
hurt him badly. When the pacification
wears off, he will return to his
previous crazed, infected state.
VILLAGERS RETURNING
TO TALLACHT
A pair of village girls are on their way
back to the village after bringing bread
to the monastery. They were surprised
when a monk they didn’t recognize
met them at the gate, but they thought
better of saying anything. If asked,
they will be glad to tell the player
characters what they saw. There was
some important prayer ritual that no
one may interrupt, so the new guy
asked them to leave the bread at the
gate and leave. They will say that “he
spoke funny, but it’s wrong to laugh
at a holy man… but he spoke like this:
Ferry important prrayer, my chiltren!
Now quo bloody vadis to the fillage,
pless you! Tee hee!”
BRIGAND AMBUSH
Three brigands are hiding in the
bushes alongside the track leading
to the monastery, right next to the
clearing, so they see everyone who
comes while staying undetected. Two
of them have knives, and the third
carries a light crossbow. They will let
the peasants pass without stopping
them – they don’t have anything worth
stealing – but will attack anyone who
looks like bounty hunters or soldiers.
6
If they see the Dog, they’ll scream
about “It’s that thing from the
monastery!”. They’ll try to kill the
Dog unless they are attacked by the
player characters, in which case
they will fight for their lives. If the
party manages to catch any brigands
alive, here is what they can tell if
interrogated:
ƒ Flycatcher and her brigands are
hiding out in the monastery.
ƒ The monks at the Monastery of
Lin-Cataldus are all dead, killed
by Flycatcher’s men – they don’t
know that Abbot Declan is still
alive. They believed that the
monks were all insane sorcerers
who deserved death, and the Dog
was their familiar.
ƒ Brother Ulrich (the False Monk)
meets anyone who comes to the
monastery and prevents them
from entering.
They don’t know anything about
the Hand. It is Flycatcher’s sweet
little secret.
The Dying Abbot
Abbot Declan is a tall, lean, bald
man in his 60s. The Breath altered
the coloration of his eyes, turning
them radiant black. He has equally
black, bushy eyebrows that make him
resemble an owl.
When the characters find him (either
hearing his moans or following the
Dog to its dying master), the Abbot
is slowly crawling away from the
monastery walls, bleeding from
several wounds. Between the wounds
and the radiation damage from the
Hand, his body is too badly hurt to be
healed even with magic. He has only
minutes to live.
7
Upon seeing the Abbot, the Dog will
run over to him, barking. The Abbot
will beg the player characters to
enter the monastery and destroy the
Hand. Before dying, the Abbot can
tell the characters the following:
ƒ The monastery was attacked
and taken over by a brigand
gang (true).
ƒ The brigands are going to
ransack the village of Tallacht
and burn it down (not true).
ƒ The monks were not evil
demon-worshipping sorcerers
(true, but they weren’t normal
monks, either).
ƒ The Hand is a tool of the dark
forces, it must be destroyed, or
the land is doomed! (not true
– the Hand is just a source of
dangerous radiation and has
nothing to do with dark forces).
The Dog will try to nose or pat
the dead Abbot’s hand with its
paw, trying to stir him back to life.
When that doesn’t work, the Dog
will lick the Abbot’s bloodied face.
It immediately falls to the ground,
yelping, its paws jerking wildly for a
couple of moments. It then shakes
its head, stands up as if nothing
happened, and looks directly at
the party. The Dog has become the
Controller Host of the Breath.
From the Dog, the Breath will then
address the player characters
telepathically. If the characters ask
what it is, it will answer that it is a
creature beyond their understanding.
The Breath will ask the characters
for their help in destroying the relic,
promising them a reward if they can
at least distract the brigands and let
the Dog sneak in.
If they refuse, the Breath threatens
them, saying it will slowly torture
the body it possesses – currently,
the Dog – to death, and it will all be
the characters’ fault. It can hurt the
Dog and will do so to convince the
characters:
Blood starts dripping from the
Dog’s mouth. Then it appears
on the Dog’s fur, oozing from its
skin. If the Breath feels that a
more serious threat is needed,
blood starts dripping from the
Dog’s eyes. Finally, when the
process affects the brain, the Dog
develops a condition similar to
rabies. Bloody foam drips from its
jaws, it stumbles as it walks, and
it becomes extremely aggressive.
Whenever a character rolls to
use a skill, there is a chance that
the Dog will be provoked by their
action and will try to bite them.
It will immediately feel sorry and
whimper and cower, knowing that
it did wrong.
IF THE CHARACTERS
USE MAGIC HEALING ON
THE DOG…
Being a magical infection, the Breath
absorbs the healing power before it
affects the body of the Host. Magic
will partially fix the damage caused
by the Hand’s radiation. After being
healed, the Breath can infect humans
who were touched by infected
blood (from the Dog, from the dead
Abbot, or from the Madman). The
first human who fails to save versus
Poison is infected and becomes the
new Controller Host, effectively
a non-player character under the
Referee’s control. From this point, the
Breath doesn’t need the Dog anymore
and turns it into a Bleeder (see page
8
17), making it bleed profusely
from everywhere until it dies. It will
try to infect every human nearby and
can infect one more person before
the healing power boost wears off,
weakening it again.
IF THE CHARACTERS
PUT THE DOG OUT OF
ITS MISERY…
If the whimpering, bleeding Dog is
stabbed or shot or otherwise killed
to end its suffering, the Breath will
use all the control it can muster to
make it move as close to the player
characters as possible and shake its
body, splattering blood on them. The
Dog then dies.
The Breath cannot make humans
into hosts in its weakened states,
but it can turn them into Bleeders
(see page 17). Blood starts leaking
from their eyes, ears, or other
orifices of the Referee’s choice.
The Monastery of Lin-
Cataldus
As the characters approach the
monastery, everything goes quiet –
no insects buzzing or birds chirping,
everything has been killed off by the
Hand’s radiation. There are empty
spiderwebs in the trees, decorated
with the husks of desiccated spiders.
Ulrich, the False Monk, will come
out of the gate and meet the player
characters as they approach.
Speaking in a very thick German
accent, he will explain that “everyone
is berry busy, joined in a prrayer,
berry important prraayer. No
one may enter now. Please reave
whatever you brought here at the
9
gate. Pax vobiscum and cum spiritu
tuo, sveet chiltren.”
Ulrich can be persuaded to let
the characters in, depending on a
Reaction roll. If he believes that the
characters are going to force their
way inside or create mayhem, he
will reluctantly motion for them to
enter to become targets for Ulrich’s
buddies with crossbows, and he will
stab the last character to pass him in
the back.
It is also possible to convince Ulrich
that the player characters are
potential allies and shouldn’t be killed
just yet, depending upon the result of
a Reaction roll. If Ulrich is convinced
that the characters are friendly or
useful, he will give the brigands
inside the high sign (imitating a bird
call of your choice – I favour the
turtledove) and open the gates.
There are two brigands per party
member in the Monastery, plus
Flycatcher and Ulrich. Two of them
are hiding behind the largest dry
trees and will shoot the newcomers
with their crossbows unless Ulrich
gives them the high sign.
The rest of the brigands are inside
the monastery buildings, some of
them in the dormitorium where the
monks used to sleep, others in the
oratorium where the monks used to
pray. They will appear and join the
combat on the second round with
spears and knives.
Flycatcher will stay behind her men,
using her throwing daggers. She
is wearing the Hand around her
neck, hidden under her clothes. If
Flycatcher is wounded in combat, she
pulls the Hand out from under her
clothes – she believes the Hand will
heal her faster and more efficiently
when it is exposed. A character who
wants to try to break the Hand can
target it with a -2 penalty. The Dog
will try to bite and break the Hand as
soon as Flycatcher pulls it out.
IF THE PLAYER
CHARACTERS
PERSUADE ULRICH THAT
THEY’RE FRIENDLY
The brigands will keep an eye on the
characters but will not attack unless
provoked. Flycatcher will come out
of the building and listen to what the
characters have to say. She will tell
the truth about everything except for
one thing.
ƒ “The monks? I don’t know who
they truly were or what they
worshipped, but the very thought
of them chills my blood. The land
is better off with them dead.”
ƒ “Attack the villagers? I have no
intention of doing that. Who do
you take us for, tax collectors?
We like to fill our hands with
silver and gold, not broken pots
and rotten straw beddings.”
The one thing Flycatcher will lie
about is the Hand (she wants to keep
it her secret).
ƒ “I have no idea what you’re
talking about. Certainly there are
no holy objects in a cursed place
like this. If you only saw what
the monks were up to here, you’d
understand.”
In truth, Flycatcher knows that
the Hand has curing powers and
intends to keep it for herself. If the
player characters can convince her
that the Hand is actually cursed
and dangerous, she will reluctantly
remove it from her neck, muttering
“I always felt there was something
unnatural about this thing…”
THE DOG AT
THE MONASTERY
The Dog will growl and attack the
brigands unless the players stop it. If
Flycatcher takes off the Hand or just
pulls it out from under her clothes,
the Dog will immediately try to break
it with its teeth.
If the player characters do not
convince Flycatcher to reveal the
Hand, the Dog will jump at her as
soon as they finish talking, knock
her down, and bite at the Hand
through her clothing. She will stab
the Dog with one of her knives if it
attacks her.
IF THE HAND IS BROKEN
The wounded Dog will shake
energetically, the way dogs do when
they get out of the water. The blood
from its wounds falls onto the nearby
brigands and possibly the characters,
save versus Breath Weapon to avoid
contact.
For a moment, the brigands act
the same way as the Dog did when
it was infected. They scream and
fall, clawing the ground with their
fingers, their eyes rolling back, their
voices filled with terror. Despite this,
the player characters who failed their
save feel fine for now.
Suddenly the screaming stops.
The brigands get up, their faces
expressionless. They speak out in a
freaky chorus:
“We thank you. You have destroyed
the evil and saved us. Take whatever
you wish from the monastery, but
11
after that, you must leave and never
return.”
One of the brigands will then look at
the Dog, who is whimpering in visible
pain and once again rubbing its ear:
“Come, boy. You will serve us with
your blood one more time.”
The Dog cries out in pain. It barely
stands, shivering, as it starts bleeding
from seemingly everywhere, its eyes,
mouth, ears, and through its fur.
The Breath needs more infected
blood to restore the number of
its hosts, and the Dog is now only
useful to it as a Bleeder. The Breath
doesn’t want to just give the Dog
away, but it might be willing to trade
it for a service or a human Bleeder
host (it won’t accept an animal). If
threatened with violence, the Breath
will try to infect the player characters
by spraying blood on them.
TREASURE
If reminded about the promise of
treasure it made, the Breath will
provide directions. It has a memory
of a hidden stash, formerly belonging
to one of the thieves who tried to
rob the monastery but was infected
shortly thereafter. There is 800sp
buried in a sturdy chest under a large
tree stump near a forester’s hut (the
forester doesn’t know it is there). It
takes a day’s journey by foot from
Lin-Cataldus to get to the stash.
WHAT ABOUT THE LIBRARY?
The monastery used to hold dozens
of holy and secular books at the
scriptorium. Sadly, the brigands,
believing the monks to be demon-
worshippers, destroyed most of the
books. The characters can still try to
salvage something.
Roll Salvage
1 A volume about a life of a
saint. The saint has the same
name as the character who
had done the most ridiculous
thing during the game
session (in fact, that saint is
the character’s holy patron!),
and the volume describes
how the saint was killed by
the same ridiculous thing.
2 A spellbook (blank). It’s
worth 100 sp to the right
buyer.
3 A map of Ireland. It’s
remarkably precise. Some
places are marked. Worth
25 sp.
4 A random cleric spell scroll.
5 A dictionary. It can be
used to give a bonus to a
Language roll. Once the roll
succeeds, the dictionary
can only be used for this
language. Worth 20 sp to
someone who can read.
6 A book-shaped casket. The
jewelry inside is worth 150
sp.
12
CEMETERY
This is actually the one normal,
peaceful place at the monastery.
The only worrying detail is that the
massacred monks were buried here
in a shallow, unmarked mass grave.
The dead are completely harmless,
and what blood they have is no
longer infected.
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE
ADVENTURE?
If the characters get hold of the Hand
and decide to keep it, it will heal
their wounds and protect them from
infections. However, the radiation
will slowly work on the character’s
bodies, which will, in several months,
result in mutations.
If they leave the Hand behind or sell
it, it will end up at Skellig Michael,
where, over the course of several
months, it will mutate the mice, the
seagulls, the seals, and the monks.
Bringing the Hand to a high-standing
member of the Church would be
rewarded with a warm “thank you”,
a blessing, and 30 silver coins. Or it
could be sold to a shadier person for
500 sp.
If the Hand is broken, and Flycatcher
and any other Breath-infected
brigands survive, they will be sent
out by the Breath to scout out the
countryside for other communities
to which the disease can spread
itself. Because of the Hand’s
mutation of the Breath they have,
they have enough of their memories
and motivation to make daring
attacks on the lawmen and tax
collectors, sharing their profits with
the peasants of Tallacht. At some
point, Flycatcher and her gang will
be captured and hung in a public
square. As the brigands are pushed
off the scaffold, and the ropes
slowly strangle them to death, blood
explodes from every orifice they
have, spraying the nearby onlookers
and the noble sheriff who personally
oversees the execution. And we know
where that leads…
AND FINALLY…
In the end of the adventure, tell the
player of the character who had been
touched with infected blood (the
Dog’s, Abbot’s, or the brigands’) to
save versus Poison. If they succeed,
the character feels a sharp pain,
but it subsides soon. Their body has
rejected the Breath.
If they fail, the character suddenly
feels there is someone else in their
head.
This is the perfect moment to end
the session.
13
Adversaries and Non-
Player Characters
THE MADMAN
A monk from Lin-Cataldus who is
infected with the Breath. The Breath
is dying inside him, and he is now
completely insane.
The Madman:
Armour 13, Move 120’, 0 Level
Human, 1 Hit Die, 4hp, bare hands
1d2, Morale 12 (he’s mad). Does not
carry anything useful.
FLYCATCHER, THE
BRIGAND LEADER
The brigand Leader’s name is Éirinn,
and her nom de guerre is Flycatcher.
She is a redheaded woman, with
sharp facial features. She uses both
hands equally in a fight. There are
two kinds of knife-fighters. There
are ones who believe in carrying one
perfect knife, and there are the knife-
happies who weigh themselves down
with dozens.
Flycatcher is a knife-happy. She
always carries several knives and
throws them with deadly precision.
She wears the Hand on a chain
around her neck, usually hiding it
under her clothes.
Flycatcher:
Armour 14, Move 120’, 2nd Level
Fighter, 10hp, dagger 1d4 (+3 to hit
when thrown), Morale 10. She has
8 daggers. She is wearing the Hand
around her neck (restores 1hp per
round, but will mutate her horribly
over time). Coinpurse with 1d20 sp.
ULRICH, THE FALSE MONK
A brigand posing as a monk at Lin-
Cataldus monastery. He is a former
serf who knows just enough about
monastery stuff to fake it. He meets
any peasants and pilgrims who
approach the gate, telling them in
a heavy German accent to go away
because the monks are “very, very
busy with very, very, very, very
important shtuff”, mixing in some
Latin words in his speech to make
himself sound more monk-like: “Pax,
pax ze fucking vobiscum, my child.”
Ulrich, the False Monk:
Armour 12, Move 120’, 2nd Level
Fighter, 8hp, club 1d6, dagger 1d4,
Morale 8. 1d8 copper coins and a
wooden flute worth 5 coppers.
THE BRIGANDS
The brigand gang usually leaves the
poor folks alone (not much to take
there, anyways), preying solely on tax
collectors and the wealthy. But times
are hard, the soldiers are hot on their
trail, and the brigands are desperate.
They can and will kill anyone who
threatens them.
Brigand (2 per player character):
Armour 12, Move 120’, 1st Level
Fighter, 1 Hit Die, 4hp, assorted
weapons (roll d6: 1– dagger 1d4,
2 – club 1d6, 3 – broadsword 1d8,
4 – crossbow 1d6, 5 – short bow
1d6, 6 – spear 1d6), Morale 6 (8
if Flycatcher is with them). 1d4
copper coins per brigand.
14
THE BEAR
The bear wants exactly two things
in life – to be left alone and to kill
every human and dog he can find.
Months ago, he was hunted down,
captured, starved, and forced to fight
dogs in the bear-baiting pit. When he
managed to escape, he found himself
in a strange country that hasn’t
been fit for decent bear living for
centuries. In short, he is somewhat
pissed off.
The Bear:
Armour 14, Move 150’, 4 Hit Dice,
18hp, claw 1d8 (x2), Morale 11.
Special: if the Bear hits with both
claws, the opponent is considered
grappled, and the Bear will crush
and bite for an additional 1d8. The
Bear will hold onto the opponent
each succeeding round unless
they save versus Paralysis or the
Bear is hit by an attack. In general,
player characters should do their
best to avoid fucking with the Bear.
Also, if the Bear should somehow
get infected with the Breath, the
disease will call to the Bear to find
whoever/whatever the Controller
Host is to transfer to it. Fun!
The Dog and You
The Dog is smart and will understand
reasonable commands. It can
effectively search for things, dig the
ground, harass, and bite.
When it is not suffering from the
Breath’s torture, the Dog can help
the player characters do stuff
by providing a bonus to their
characters’ dice rolls. The Dog will
help the character it likes best or the
character who specifically commands
it to do something helpful. It can help
one character per The rolls to which
the Dog provides a bonus can be:
ƒ Surprise: When the Dog is with
the party, they will only be
surprised on a natural 1.
ƒ Initiative: The Dog’s threatening
growl provides a momentary
distraction for the enemy.
ƒ Mêlée: The Dog flanks an
enemy, providing a +1 bonus to a
character’s attack roll.
Make sure to describe the Dog’s
participation. Think of the dogs you
know, give the Dog some of their
traits, let it feel alive to the players.
The Dog: Armour 14, Move 180’, 2
Hit Dice, 9hp, bite +3 1d4, Morale
10. Special: Anyone bitten by the
Dog must save versus Poison or be
afflicted with the Breath (see page
17).
15
The Hand and its effects
The magical radiation of the Hand
has a curious effect of revealing and
enhancing the potential of living
tissues. This potential can manifest in
different ways, either one at a time or
even several in the same unfortunate
body. Neither the highest developed
medicine of the 17th century nor the
Cure Disease spell can remove the
results of the Hand’s radiation. The
changes are as natural to the body as
aging.
TOUCH OF HEALING
The initial effect of the Hand
prepares the bodies of the being that
stay close to it for their eventual
transformation. When worn by the
player characters, the Hand can
mimic the effect of Cure Light Wounds
or Cure Disease a number of per
day times equal to the number of
characters in the party.
Further mutations begin when
a character has twice its normal
amount of hit points healed in
that way.
TOUCH OF REGENERATION
A wounded body yearns to fix
the destroyed flesh. The Hand
magnifies this longing and hones it
to perfection. The wounded tissue
is not just restored – it is replaced
with malleable, self-repairing, slimy
mucous. If the mucousy parts are
damaged again, the process spreads,
turning adjacent parts of flesh into
more mucous.
To determine how much flesh is to
be transformed after taking damage,
I suggest the “Rule of Nines” to
estimate the damage caused by
burns in surgery: the head and neck with bone platelets. Others develop
are 9% of the body surface (in game eyestalks, granting superior vision.
terms, 9% of the player character’s Fingers merge into snapping pincers.
hit points), an arm is 9%, a leg is 18%, Necks disappear, leaving head
the front and the back of the torso and chest to conjoin into a broad
are 18% each, and the crotch is 1%. cephalothorax.
Therefore, a character with 6hp who
Without the healing effect of the
takes 5hp of damage means would
Hand’s radiation, the crab-people
have all of their body, except possibly
soon suffer an extremely painful
the head and the crotch, turn into
death, their weak human flesh unable
mucus. A character of 10hp who is
to sustain the crab’s primal strength.
damaged for 1hp would only have an
arm transformed.
TOUCH OF METAPLASIA
TOUCH OF HYPERTROPHY A more subtle transformation can
occur, causing a tissue change into
Millennia ago, the earth was ruled
something similar. Bone can become
by gigantic creatures. Some of those
cartilage, making the person able
leviathans were created by radiation,
to wiggle through the tightest spots
not unlike one that the Hand emits.
and flatten themselves like manta
The humans may have forgotten
rays, but robbing them of the ability
all about it, but the living flesh
to carry anything heavy. Skin can
remembers and seeks to recreate
change into the delicate internal
that glorious era.
lining of the nose or mouth, making
The radiation from the Hand has the transformed ones smell or taste
the greatest effect on the young, things with the whole surface of
who never stop growing in size and their bodies.
strength. It is different for those who
are older. They don’t grow much
bigger, but they do become stronger
and heavier, growing muscles upon
muscles, unable to wear their clothes
and armour anymore.

TOUCH OF DYSPLASIA
Sometimes, the cells in a living body
forget what they are supposed to be
and become something completely
different. And, as everyone knows,
the optimal shape for any living being
that forgets who or what it was, and
looks to become a better thing, is a
crab.
The changes come gradually and
usually affect only parts of the body.
In some cases, the skin is replaced

16
The Breath
The Breath is a thinking magical
disease controlled by a single
shared will.
When the Breath infects a human, it
feeds on their mind, memories, and
thoughts. A human mind, like the
brain, lacks pain receptors. There’s
no pain when the mind is being
ripped to bits and devoured, only
horror.
At all times, there is one Controller
Host of the Breath. In a way, it is the
nerve center of the infection – the
one thinking, the one acting. The
functions of the other bodies can be:
ƒ Puppet – essentially a warm-
fleshed zombie, a mindless body
controlled by the main host,
a remote tool. A host released
from the Breath’s control is
left incurably insane. If the
Controller Host dies, one of
the puppets becomes the new
Controller.
ƒ Bleeder – a host that’s not useful
anymore can be used to produce
more Breath-infected blood. The
puppet’s internal organs change,
remembering how to create more
blood. The process spreads to the
muscles, the brain, and the eyes.
They spit blood. They weep blood.
They ooze blood. This highly
infected blood is gathered by
the Puppets, and used to fix the
weakening hosts and to infect
new bodies.
17
A non-human host is different. The
Breath cannot effectively feed on
a non-human mind, or turn such a
host into a Puppet. It can, however,
turn it into a Bleeder. In every host,
some physical change happens at
the moment of infection. Usually, it
affects the production of melanin,
changing the colour of hair, eyes, or
patches of skin (see below).
The Breath has limited telepathic
ability. This is how the millions of tiny
parasites join their minds together
to form the overarching Controller
mind. It can mind-speak with non-
infected people, but it is taxing and
reveals its unnatural status, so the
Breath will only resort to telepathy in
a truly desperate moment.
Like being locked in a single dog’s
body.
Physical changes in the hosts (roll
d6 for each of the below body parts
– the changes should occur slowly
but noticeably over the course of a
few days)
A. THE HAIR
Roll Result
1-2 No melanin, your hair is all
gray or white.
3-4 Your hair now has this shiny
black colour, black as a
moonless, starless night.
5-6 You have a large white streak
in your hair.
B. THE EYES Roll Result
Roll Result 6 “Re-birthmarks”: A brown
hairy spot forms somewhere
1-2 Red eyes. Your eyes look on you body that could
weird, and you can’t see possibly have some deep
that well, suffering a penalty meaning, or maybe it just
to any Search rolls and to looks weird. Roll a 1d6 on the
ranged attack bonus. tables below to determine
3-5 Unusual colour, like yellow the shape and location of
or orange or purple eyes. No the re-birthmark.
mechanical changes.
Shaped like a:
6 Your eyes glow in the dark.
Roll Result
C. THE SKIN 1 Dragon
Roll Result 2 Crown
1 Albinism: You look like that 3 Strawberry
guy from the Stormbringer
covers, with white skin, 4 Dog
white hair, and red eyes 5 Human embryo
(huge magic sword not
included). You get the 6 Horned
disadvantage from the red demon’s head
eyes, and also, you suffer 1hp
damage for each hour your On the:
flesh is exposed to sunlight. Roll Result
2-3 Hypermelanosis: With 1 Face
coal-black skin, hair, and
eyes, you have become like a 2 Limb
human shadow. It helps with 3 Chest
your stealth activities in the
dark. 4 Stomach

4-5 Leopard spots: There are 5 Back

multiple large black spots 6 Butt
on your body. This could
help make you undetectable Alternately, pick a shape that is
in a forest, where the sun meaningful for the players or one
shines through the plexus that intrigues them.
of branches, full of dappled
sunlit spots and deep dank
shadows. It could also make
you really stand out in a
town.

18
Symbiosis and mental There are two mental powers that the
Breath can share with its symbiotic
powers host. The first is Mind Speech: the
character can send their thoughts to
The exposure to the Hand’s radiation
another person silently. No one else
hasn’t just weakened the Breath – it
can hear the message except for the
has caused it to mutate. The strain
intended recipient. This ability works
that developed in a player character’s
for sending only and does not allow
body is slightly different from the
the user to read minds.
original Breath (just because). It can
co-exist with the host’s mind rather The second power is Speak With
than devour it. Diseases, which works similarly to
the Speak With Animals spell, only
This will result in one or more
with microbes. It doesn’t make the
effects for the infected character.
infections any more friendly or
A successful save versus Poison
cooperative than normal – it is up
makes the character immune to the
to the Referee to decide just how
Breath, killing the infection in their
cooperative an infection is.
body. Rolling a natural 1 results in the
character’s mind being eaten by the The drawback of the symbiosis is
Breath, turning it into a host. Failing that every time the character goes to
the roll means a new personality in sleep, is knocked out, or reduced to
the character’s head. This mutant 0 HP, they must save versus Breath
Breath desperately wants to live but weapons. On a fail, the mutant
realizes it is not yet strong enough to Breath takes over the character’s
take over the character’s body. It can body for 1d4 hours.
be reasoned with. It possesses bits of
As with the original Breath, there
knowledge and memories from the
is no cure, magical or otherwise.
original Breath, so when making a
Casting Dispel Magic on the
skill roll that depends on knowledge,
infected character will, however,
the character gets two rolls and
put the Breath persona to sleep for
picks the best result – maybe the
1d4 hours.
host doesn’t speak French, but the
Breath does and acts as an internal
translator!

19
All
Dogs
Go
To
Hell
 WHO NEEDS CORPORATE GAMING
OR FAUX WEIRD?

Text © 2023 J. E. Evans II I’VE GOT

Issued Under Exclusive LicenseLAMENTATIONS
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