scapegoating?
Sve
Nobody likes to be blamed for something they didn't do.
So, why do some of us end up pulling the short straw
and taking the heat for others’ mistakes or wrongdoings?
otevery family has one,
[A essrectnasrs
‘problem child trope.
‘Whether ita sibling, distant aunt
or uncle, or maybe even you, the
family scapegoat is the one who
ends up getting shamed, blamed,
or criticised for just about
everything that goes wrong. But
‘why does this happen? And how
‘can we stop being blamed when
things aren't our fault?
What is scapegoating?
Scapegoating is the act of
blaming someone - ora group
of people ~ for something that
has happened, even if they
aren't actually responsible.
‘Typically starting during
childhood, scapegoating is a sign
of unhealthy family dynamics,
which might be done to protect
the overall image or reputation
ofa family, or as the default to
always favour one or more family
members (commonly referred
toas the ‘golden child, who is
seen as able to do no wrong) by
16 | Issue 75 | happifuicom
What is
placing blame on one person (the
‘scapegoat’.
Family members may choose
a scapegoat based on arbitrary
factors that the individual cannot
influence, such as picking an
oldest/youngest child, basing
their preferences on gender,
appearance, intelligence, skin
colour, or even sexual orientation
- or the reason may not be
apparent at all. Those who are
unfairly targeting you may be
projecting their own feelings
of shame, rage, and blame
‘onto you, instead of dealing
with uncomfortable thoughts,
feelings, or behaviours. By
finding someone to blame, they
avoid taking responsibility.
Am | the family
scapegoat?
Signs that you have become your
family’s scapegoat include:
+ Being treated differently from
your siblings, or other family
members of a similar age.
+ Being expected to take on
additional responsibilities
others aren't, that might
typically be expected of a
parent, guardian, or carer.
+ Sensing lack of interest in
your passions and hobbies.
+ Alack of connection, or
distance between you and
family members.
+ Any mistakes by you seem to be
blown out of proportion.
+ Your successes are downplayed
or glossed over.
+ Feeling like the butt ofall the
jokes, or teased incessantly for
your attributes.
+ Not having anyone stand up for
you or intervening when you're
being picked on.
What impact can
scapegoating have?
Finding yourself the family
scapegoat can lead you to
unconsciously or consciously
take on different roles as a way to
try to cope with the situations or
behaviours. This could mean thatOver time, being treated
asa scapegoat can have a
negative effect on you, your
relationships, and what you see
as‘normal’ behaviour. Itcan
lead to experiencing more toxic
relationships due to struggling to
recognise gaslighting or unhealthy
behaviours. Additionally, you
may have trouble maintaining
boundaries, continue to accept
blame for things that aren’ your
fault, and view yourself in a more
negative light as being told you are
‘bad’ or ‘at fault’ repeatedly can
‘make you doubt your worth and
abilities. This can result in always
seeing others’ needs as more
important or vali, sacrificing
your own in the process.
Being treated as your family’s
scapegoat can become a type of
trauma, Having others overlook
the good things that you do, while
highlighting every mistake and
placing blame for things outside
of your control, can leave a
lasting impact.
What causes
you feel pressured or expected scapegoating?
to provide emotional or physical tc ‘The reasons why someone
care for family members, to Being told you are maybe scapegoated can vary.
take over during a crisis, or For example, a parent may
to-complete an unreasonable ‘bad’ or ‘at fault’ Fristenconallyorintentonaly
number of tasks. You may also repeatedly can change their behaviour towards
strive for perfection (to avoid ke y their child if they remind them
approval), or make you doubt ofanexpariner, or may treat
siblings, half siblings, step-
siblings, and/or adopted children
differently from one another.
feel the need to rebel against your worth and
authority (even to the point of, iliti
ies
self-sabotage). abiOften, parents who were
raised in dysfunctional families,
as either the golden child or
scapegoat, may continue the
cycle with their own kids. Its
also possible that they may have
«a personality disorder, including
narcissistic personality disorder
or borderline personality
disorder. This can lead to black-
and-white thinking, as well as
‘dealising or devaluing others.
Scapegoating often starts
during childhood, leading to
children thinking that they are
the issue, as they don't have the
experience to recognise that
something is wrong or unhealthy
in their family dynamic. But, its
important to remember that you,
as the person being scapegoated,
are not the problem.
How to handle being
scapegoated
Just knowing and understanding
‘what a scapegoat is can help you
‘to watch out for the signs. From
there, the following four steps
can be helpful...
16 | ssue 75 |happitulcom
Learn how to set and maintain
healthy boundaries.
‘You may find that your
family ignores ot pushes your
boundaries, either to try to retain
control, or out of habit, but stand
firm. Boundaries are a way of
telling people how, when, and
what behaviour you are willing
toaccept. Ifyou allow others to
push or break your boundaries,
‘you are unwittingly telling them
‘that your own comfort isn't
‘important. Healthy boundaries
are a form of self-care that helps
us to clearly lay out how we feel;
they help us to assert ourselves
honestly, and openly.
Refuse to interact.
Sometimes, the best way to
protect yourself from being
scapegoated can be to remove
yourself from the situation, but
this isn't always easy or possible.
If so, doing your best to not get
involved can be another option.
‘This could mean refusing to take
‘on additional responsibilities,
saying no, or not interacting
during situations where it’ likely
‘you will be targeted.
Reduce or restrict contact.
This can help you to avoid the
constant barrage of negativity
and blame, and can involve both
decreasing how often you speak
with or see them, as well as
reducing how much you tell them
about what's going on in your life.
‘The grey rock’ method.
Often used when dealing with
narcissists or toxic relationships,
‘grey rocking’ involves acting
as unresponsively as you can
as a way to divert toxic people’s
behaviour away from you. This
could mean giving short or one-
word! answers so they have less
chance to turn things back on
you, or showing little emotional
reaction if they belittle you.
Giving non-committal responses,
and avoiding eye contact can also
be helpful.
How to heal from
scapegoating
‘Try to create a support network,
which can help you gain amore
healthy outlook. According to
research, emotions are actually
contagious ~ meaning that when
wwe are surrounded by positive
attitudes, we can feel a boost of
positivity and increased energy.
Unfortunately, this also means
that when we are surrounded by
negativity, we feel more drained
and down.
Working with a qualified
therapist or counsellor can give
you a safe space to talk openly
about your past, present, and
what kind of future you want to
work towards. They aren't there
to offer judgement, take sides, or
criticise you, and, instead, can
help you to better understand
healthy boundaries, toxic
behaviours, and positive family
dynamics, as well as to find new,
helpful coping strategies you can
use throughout your life. IM
Visit the Counselling Directory to
learn more about the various types of
therapy, and find a professional who
can support you.