TEN

RELATIO N SH I PS
People Watching

£wry person is a world lo explore.

-Thich Nlut Hanh

Monks arc often imagined to be hermits, living in isolation, detacheii ,

from humanity, and ycLmy experience as a monk has forever changed
how I deal with other people. When I returned to London after decid-
ing to leave the ashram, I found that I was much better at all kinds of
relationships than lei ~n before I took my vows. This improvement
was even true for romance, which was a bit surprising given that monks
arc celibate and I'd had no romantic connections with women during my
time in the ashram.

SETTING EXPECTATIONS

The village of the ashram fosters camaraderie, being there for each
other, serving each other. Dan Buettner, the cofounder of Blue Zones-
an organization that studies regions of the world where people live tbc

222
 RELATION SHIPS 223

longest and healthiest lives- saw the worldwide need for this kind
of
community. In addition to diet and lifestyle practi ces, Buettner found
that longevity was tied to several aspect s of community: close relatio
n-
ships with family (they'll take care of you when you need help), and
a
tribe with shared beliefs and healthy social behaviors. Essentially, it takes
a village.
Like these blue zones, the ashram is an interdependent community,
one that fosters a mood of collaboration and service to one another. Ev-
eryone is encouraged to look out not just for their own needs, but
for
those of other people. Remember the trees in Biosphere 2 that lacked
roots deep enough to withstand wind? Redwood trees are anoth
er story.
Famously tall, you'd think that they need deep roots to survive, but in fact
their roots arc shallow. What gives the trees resilience is that these roots
spread widely. Redwoods best thrive in groves, interweaving their roots
so
the strong and weak together withstand the forces of nature.

THE CIRCLE OF LOVE

In a community where everyone looked out for each other, I initially ex-
pected my care and support for other monks to be returned directly
by
them, but the reality turned ·out to be more complex.
During myfirst year at the a1hram, I become uput, and I approach one of
"'Y ltachmfor ad'fliu. •rm upset,• 1 say. •1fie/ like I'm giving out a lot of ID'flt,
but I don~Jul lw it's being returned in llind. I'm lovi11g, caring, and loo/ting
outfor othm, hut_thry don~ do the same for mt. I don't get
it.•
Tht monlt a.sh, •Why art you giving out ID'fltr•
1say, •Becawe it's who I am.•
The monlt says, •so then why expect it ha,H But also, liJtm carefully.
~JOU giw out any mergy-lO'Vt, hate, anger, ltindnm-you will al-
:'J' gtt it haclt. Ont way or another. LO'Ut iJ /iltt a circle. Whatt'Utr /(11)t you
l'11t out
Yi ' it a}ways comes haclt to you. The prohltm lits w,t· h your txpt,tahons.
·
°" assu,,re tht •O'fJt
' you rtctiw will come
from tht pmon you gaw it· to. But it·

0
 111 £
Cl~C Lf
df

LovE
0

, lh,r, "'" p , ,;j,/, 'tl,/4,, /,,,,, pu

Jo,,n 'I alwa y, t f.lm~ j;f.l,,, lhal ptrJ<m, S1m1l11rly
who y,;u d1Jn I gi'Ut 1hr ,amt /1Jtx ,n r,/ur n. •
1

1'iv< u,, hut we f.ol

I fc wn rigJ1r . Too often we 1,,vc pc,,p k wJ,,, d,m' r
ro retur n the J,,ve of odac n who do.
W'4
J rhou~f1r of my ,n,Jth(r, who woul d ..Jw.1y• drop w'1,11 .-v~r ~I;<
1 ,nr, tl,t' fi n., fllf'r-Y,n
doin g ro r:.i.ke my u lJ. If , he were to J>k k up rhr. ph
t. h" w,mt d to
, he<J r,:ad1 ,,11r t,, w"uld Ix me ,,, my a.i1,t,; r. Jri J,cr J,,.~t
• rallc r,> rr,,: prr.tty n1111 h aJJ du~time, At tlu: ume ruue
,u I mi~lit be fr u).-
, my m o d irr ~~
rnted fx:( au.e .,,me ,,nc w:ou'r f(' t.J)(1r1Jmg l" 111y trih
1itring rl1ere t11i,,Jo,,~. I 'fJ.lish my Jf.lfl Wf.luld u,/1 m,.
1

My t(.u.:l1er'1 dnui11ri,m ,,{ the <. in.le of lo ve , h.wg r.d my Jif,· O

u1

la, le of graritudt' ia wh:iu m~ , u, fod u11Jov1:d.

W J,ru we rl1ir,k w,t,._,dy
lov(' Wt' give out
cart'• , we need ft) du~( k •.J•Jrw;Jvca a11d rc:.Jiz~ tli,.t the
.i v:.rir.ty fJ{ ~4,u,1.r e., and, in lll 11,,,r c r,r:11<"
1.J ~.-,,:,,,: ,
u,mr.a ha..lc r,, u, fr,,m
11
rJ<,u11 pk uf ~...u• " ·
wha t~er we put our will ,.on~ 114'< k t•J u,, TJ1i• ;. Afl
 Ill I A I I( 1N', H II•'• J I •,

A NETWORK OF COMPASSION

.1.. !ICO"C that mon~ lo<1k at the d1\ t r1 l ,•1t111r1 ,,t l,,vc .ar 1,I <,u r ;o .a
lt fll .UUC5
k of rompa,!.ion rathn than a onr. tu 1,11c n, 1,,.11:r ~11,11\c , t~ -
ntrwor
i""'"'"· '-' ,, l, r .., h r• ic ,rit r ,1.,,,I I•l!,
lar"C d1flt'rcnt pcorlr !,Crvt'. J, ffrrrnt r111 11

l(l our ,rrowth in its own wav

b.
We have rw-rr~ (, If br r,,Lt11 r•, ,.,11dr r, r, ,,,
·

ind mentor,; to \r ;irn fr,,m ,rnd \rrvr. Tt1f ,r n,!,- ,H r: n, ,t wli• ,lly
tOl h,
1tcd ro aJ,:(' and rxpC'rirnrr. Fvrry mor,k i-. Jw.iy<, HI r.;·r1 y pl, .. ,," ,,f rhlf
•"·de Monk., hd,rvr that thc\C' roJr., ,m·n't fmd .Tlir pn ,,,ri -...I," i1 , . .
rraihcr onr day m,~.lit bt ynur 1-tudrn1 thr llf' .:t S,,,r,rt,11,r-. rht . . . .
rnonk.., would rnmr to tl.1.,.,t·~ with v1J1111~ n,,,r,L Lkr 11,, c.1 !!111~ Oft . .
fl,,or and fotcn1ng to a nrw m11nk "'J)('Jk. Tl1r:v wrrr1,r rhcrr tr, Lht, k aa
u.\-tlic)' were thcrC' to IC"un for tl,r-m .dvn.

TR¥ THIS . LEAD ANO FOLLOW

~•..k.t-, 1,it of your student, 1r.d tf.'.i ' l-if' ' \ . th,,. ...,,,1~ :b"" n~ ~! •i .,. ·.l .~,:,-1•,

Ct,;Jld t~.,.h ynu •nd what the tel l hers 'Tl!f~l lorn fr-::,r•) r,u

THE FOUR TYP ES OF TRUST

In tl,c i~hram, I wu up~c:t bec.au~e I felt my l arc wa',r1't rr.upr<>< at,:d.

We often tXf~ct too much c,f othen when we d<,n't h,vc .& clear scmc:
of t.hcir purp'}SC in our live~. Let', rnnsider four c.h.ractcri~tic \ th at we
~, .kfor in the people we allow into our live\. Y<,u'II rct:n,r,ni1,e thrc,r.
P,:C/jilc- mr>st vf us know at least one person wl1<> falls into c:,Lh ,l the\e
Qti:g~,rit\ .

Cr;,,,pe,a,u. Surnccmc: hilc; to he compttent if we ...re to tru~ t d,~ir

''t%irJTi, ind rcwrnmcndati,m11. ll1i~ ptr~on ha, the right ~kilh to ~obt
 THINK LIKE A MONK
216

FOU~ TJrE 5OF T~VJT

CAR~
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1 HF) cA~E AJe ~t
r, ,,tr, :Jnll jhf. WfU.·IEIIIJ
ISS•f. TllfJ"f ~" . A. WHAT'S BEst
EXfUt IA A•Tl•llf/ FUtJ,,, HIT
111 11"1~ A'•'A. ~•II~ "'lltH.

CHARACT[R CONSISTfN[}
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YElflE WITI' ,ftiJII t., fAt5ENT,
~TR'II' MIAJt I,. ArA JUILe
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V) I 11t,.

your issue. They are an expert or authority in their area. They have experi-
ence, references, and/or a high Yelp rating.
Cart. We need to kn~w a person cares if we are putting our emotions
in their hands. ReaJ care means they are thinking about what is best for
, you, not what is best for them. They care about your well-being, not your
success. They have your best interests at heart. They believe in you.They
would go beyond the call of duty to support you: helping you move, ac·
companying you to an important doctor's appointment, or helping y01
plan a birthday party or wedding.
Charact,r. Some people have a strong moral compass and unc~!T
promising values. We look to these people to help us sec clearly when v
aren't sure what we want or believe is right. Character is especially criti(
when we are in an interdependent partnership (a relationship, a busin
partnership, a team). These people practice what they preach. They h

I
Q
 p

HI I Al l<J N'..HIIJ'., 277

I rri,u1;itiu1111 1 ,rrong upi11io1u, aud down ·to-c.trth ;iJvice. 'n1cy are

~"",1w11rt hy.
011
People who arc cumiktent 111;iy not be the rop c.xperh,
(,',mii1Jtnry.
hivr dar highetil <.h.t1,u:trr, or c.ire mo11t dtcply fur you , but they arc rcli-
ahle, p,oe11t, .i11d 1&v.tilal,le wl1en you need them . TI1cy've bten with you
throu~li hi1~l11i 1&11d lows.

Nobody nmicli ljign a1111oui1ti11g wh:.11 thc-y have tn offer us. Obacrvc
:a
,c,,plc-'hi11twtion& anJ actiollli. Arc tlu:y in a.lignrnent? Arc they demon-
1
11u1i111~ what they bay th""y value? Do their value, corrci,pond with your~?
We learn murr from Ld1:.1viort1 tli:.111 pn,mi1,e1. Ur-c the four types of tru~t
1o u11Jt'r!it;.md wlay you uc :.111racttd to a pc-non and whether you arc
lak,.ly to rnm11:l't a, 11 friend , a rollc:aguc, or a romantic partner. A~k y,,ur-
llf.11, Whal ii my ,.,,,u,ne inlrnhon for grllinx invohicd in thiJ rt!atiomhipr
Tiu: four type~ of tru1,t may 11ecm like hasir qualitie, that we imtinc-
11vdy look for wd rc1p1irt', l,ut 1,olicc th:.11 it', hard to think of &omconc
who rares ;ahout you, i~c:ornpct1·nt in cvt<ry arc::;&, hai, the highest character,
1111d i, never too bu11y for you. Two of tlie molit important people in my
lilr arc Sw;imi (my 111011k tellthcr) ilnJ my motlier. Swami i&my go -to
,puituil pcri;on. ] hive the utmost trulit in his character. But when 1 told
him l wanttd to leave Acce11H1re and go into media, he said, "I have no
1tlr;1 wh:.it y,,u sho11IJ Jo."] Jc iii one of my mmt valued advisors, but it was
~illy to «'.XJK'.<.'.t him to 11.&ve an opinion about my career, and he was wise
c110111~h 1101 to pr('ten<l to hive one. My mom would al&o not be the best
per.on tt, ilhk ihout' c,m:er moves. Like many mothers, she is most con-
u~rncd with my wdl ~heing: how I'm fccli11~ 1 whether I'm eating well, if
I'm ~ettint~ enougi1 ,lecp. She is there with care and consistency, hut she's
11ot J!-oi11~ to counM"I me on minaging my rnmp;rny. I needn't be angry at
my mo1'1r.r for not r:ui11g about every i1ipcrt of my lifc. lmtcad 1 should
~.ivt rny~lf the time, enrrgy, attention, and pain, and simply appreciate

wli,u liht'• offering.

We frrul to expect every pen.on to be a complete padugr, giving ue
 THINK LIKE A MONK
22R
. d This is setting the bar impossibly high. It's as hard
C\'l:rl'lhrng we nee .
· 'tis to be that perso, n. TI1e four types of trust will
to /ind that person as J . Even
. . d J t we can and c.tn t expect from them . your
help us keep in nun w ia consi stency in ~,,
, 'd care character, comp etenc e, and «u
' .
partner cant provi e
dy 1s com peten t in ~u
. Care and character, yes, but nobo d!J
wars ;it a U umes.
.' d I h your partner should be reliahJe, nobody is consis Iy tent
dungs, an t 1oug
er to he our
available in rhc way you need them. We expect our life partn
within that
everything, to "complete us" (thanks,Jerry Maguire), ~ut even
deep and lifelong union, only you can be your every thmg.
otherwise
Being at the ashram with people ~ho weren't family or
was clear that
connected to us gave us a realistic perspective. Ther e, it
nobody could or should play every role. Interestingly, a A
ycbology Today
done by Colo-
article describes a neld study of military leadership in Iraq
"3 Cs"
nel J. Patrick Sweeney, a psychologist. Swee ney similarly found
is tbat he ob-
of trust: competence, caring, and character. The difference
to trust their
served that all three qualities were necessary for soldi ers
p rinciples, but
leaders. Military and monk life hoth adhere to routi ne and
on the .une. To
monk.~ aren't foUowing their leaders and laying their lives
all four Cs,
think like a monk about relationships, instead of looki ng for
set realistic expectations based on what a perso n actually
gives you, not
whar you want rhcm to give you. Whe n they don't have all
four Cs, realize

that you can stiJJ benefit from having them in your life.
them.
And you should he at least as attentive to what you can offer
,clf, What can
With friends or colleagues, get into the habit of askin g youn
H'hirh of
I oJJi'rfirst!' l1b11/can I 1rrvt? Am I a teacher, a peer, or a student?
I relationships
th~fo11r Cr do]givr to this person?We form more meanin1-,rfu
expertise that
when we play to our strengths and, like Swami, don't offer
we don 'r have.
to people;
Exercises like the one above aren't mean t to attach labels
nu-
I'm again st labels, as I've explained, because they reduce the many
look {or
anced hues of life to black and white. The mon k appro ach is to
ing a nd absorb what you need to move forward inste
ad of getting
mean
 l k sssu. wlsm we apply lhen lilrc the four Ut ~

........'11CINllf I l■m II bn.t enough to guidc • lbmugt1

......... faur Ca mvued. we bmefit from multiple view-

_. fll . . . c:atllpNL A mother', cue ian't the w a,
0. pal aa with chancta mipt give great romantic: adVl, r ,
1i,tP W, ,OU through I family argument. And one r• ,n ·
p Wl Ill . _ far ,au during I breakup, while anot ht> r ilt
... ....., •• hllre.

........I YOUR OWN FAMILY

•. - .... eo be nlll!ft
-r-· lo n~w \IIOl\crtion, . P.ut
• acc1,1l111 that our f.11111\y ot mir,in m.w
----•
• Dlld. h', okJy t,l ,h rq1t v. \i.1t y11u \\11
who ni'-(',l yo 11. Arhl it's ok.1y--· 11n r, ,.ll y,
m thn"t in your f.m1i,y v. Lu .m·n't r,oo,l
the it.,mr ~l.l1 Hl.ml~ f11r our l.11111,y ~ ...... c l\11 f,>t
if the rrbtio11 ·.l11 1, i, h.u1)',Lt, wr. l ..111 lo\l· thr111 ,mJ
lil ,li•,taJH (." 11.l11lr r, ttl\( (ll•f~ tlit· fo111ll) ,,r IHT\\ ft1111\
,n,.~tloc·,r,'t lltr ,111 , ... e !:,l nulJ 11q,lrd O\lf btl\\Lr,. BHt
1

and gratitude come- more cJ•-1ly wli<'n v.c a, tq1t tlut wt· L1\C
and fanuly, arul W f" h,,v<· ( rin11ls t 11.it \,._,, 11 1 1l' b111ily. 1't:d:11 ~·, <.'I n ·
'-lld ar S<>mt k·vd to all lif hulll.lfllt)' nrn t><: \,., . . ,t;vtly tbc r '\'<.'utir tnr
~•h~ own fami11r <i h.ivr ma.Ir tbc·1r liv-e, J,'.!~1..·ult.
 fHIH« lll:f A M O NIC
no

THE HUM AN FAMILY

Wfirn 7"" nrfrY I new c.om rnun it,_-u J t:nfr ~J dlt' a.I.,,. ,,. _
,,r rhc ape,·ra11on•
...,..,,.,
d,ar h aw- alrr-"' J
'"'~
• clran alarr.. You h~ ntlflit'
fk I . L.. I y t,.,.,,
"P amc, nt (am,J1 ,,..f fri,c:n,J1. M ,.., ,r. r...y nouoc y aluirr
, ,.,.,, >.a
l• r-'f fr,
"uJ' r)l("oplt-; hur rllf:
tiruariona J,L: rhia, mod of u• n,.b ro llfNJ .t\ 1tr.i,r

f'tt'~d ro rq,J;, a f.i milv <r '

r I didn'r
.Jte ,, , rar 11,g
_L _ _ _, me anoth tt wnv.
.,.,,.,.,.;u
''1fte in rl1c uhra rn w ;u my ( a
amaD cin Jc of comf ort and rru.t. l-:Yr.')
. •utuly
t, J
And, u we rnwl rd and romJ«'.ftcd wirh propk: aa,,. . lnd,.a a,wJ Europ
Ju
br.g.an ,,., ra.ogniu: rhar rwry oM in rt~ wor'4f was my fam ily. A.1 C.i,1<1
and to rcr,.ird ti~
aMf, 1nc ~,lclcn w:ay ii ro be friencl1 wirh rhc world
whole human family u one.•
Thr PJl' P wt ClfalJish for learning, grr,wd1, and Jww apr.r icnc.
o-

liL: bmilics, tchoo la, and c.hu rcha -hclp us carcgori:1...c people. Thru arc
Thr~ arc tlic
1hr pcnplc J 1M with. T1NM an: the people J karn with.
r w:u,,
pr.r,plc Jpray wir.h. Thn, are dte ~,pi e J I.ope ro help. Bur I d1d11'
ro diK.OUnl tomCOnC'• opiruons or wortl1 bccau iC rhq
didn't fir ~ady
icalit y, rhcrc weren't
inro one of thae circles. Aside from the Jimir, of pract
more than
crrtain people who ~rv ed my arren tion or care or help
othcn .
Jr'• as;a to look ar eYCr)">fte u a mcmhcr of your famil y if
you don'r
n poem b_r
irmgjnc th2r i t ' • ~ hum.an at cvrry mom ent. A wc.U- know
Jan J-,_.,minifrx Mart in aays, •People come into your life for a re.A~m. a
long tl 1;11
WU() ft or a Jjft:time. • Tiw:ae d1rcc categ ories are bucJ on how
life as a wd -
relari,,.,,...hip JaouJd endure. One pent m migh t cnrcr your
..lling d1if1
u,me chang e. L;Jc.t, a new acuon, rhcy are an exciting a™J cnrhn
of energy. Bur rJtt: IC'aton ends at 1omc poin t, 11 alJ Kuo ns do. Anorl
and gro
J'ff"l fl mighr oome in with a rcaw,n. 11.ry hdp you learn
eI
rbry 11,ppr,n ,OU through a dillk,dr rime. Jr almo1r feds Jiu they'v
cuw ex
dcJifierarely wnr ro r111 to uai1r or guide yuu d1rough a pani
mu, after wf1ich tfacir cenrr2l role in ,our life decreases. And rhcn
t

att lifetime pet,plc. 11,q lfand by your 1idc d1rou

gh the best and wt
.W
t,ma , I.wing '1'JU ~n wf.en )'UIJ are ~ng nod1 ing ro them
 AHM ION SHIP S
231

·J these categories, keep in min d the circle of love

c0ns1 er . Love is a gift
ny strin gs atta ched . Thi s means that with it cornea the knowl-
without a
that not all relationships arc mea nt to end
ure with equal stre ngth
~!finitely. Remember that you arc also a season,
a reason, and a lifc-
~mc friend to different people at different time
s, and the role you play in
ne else's life won't always mat ch the role they play in
9011\CO yours.
These days, there is a small, consistent group
of people with who m I
am closest, but thaf doc sn't chan ge the connect
ion I fee\ to all humanity.
And 50 I ask you to look beyond the people you reco
gnize, bey ond you r
comfort zone, to strangers and people you don
't und erst and. You don't
have to befriend them all, but sec them all
as equal, with equality of soul
and the potential to add variety to your knowledge
and experience. The y
are all in your circle of care .

TRY THIS: :lE REALISTIC ABOUT YOUR FRI

END SHI PS
Make I list of the people you have seen socially
over the past week or two.
In I second column, identify whether the penon is
a Seu on, 1 Reason, or a
lifetime friend. This, of course, is labeling, which I
have urged you not to do.
We ~ to allow for fluidity in the roles people play.
But roughly sketching
the llndscape of your current social life can give you an idea
as to whether you
are surrounded by a balanced group of peo ple- one
that provides excitement,
support, and long-term love. Now, in a third column,
consider what role you
play for Heh of these people. Are you offering what you
receive? Where and
how could you give more?

TRUST IS EA RN ED
Once you have established reasonable expectation
s from a relationship,
~en it is easier to build and maintain trust. Tru st
is central to every rela-
:sh ip. Trust means we believe tha t the person
is bein g hon est wit h us,
th
t ey have our interests at hea rt, that they will
uphold thei r promises
and tonfidcnccs, and tha t they will stay true to these
intentions in the
 - '--J

2U llllllK ll._l A MOW

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r. N ,·, ·t 1lu11 "i,\11'1 ,.,y tli1

l\11\llt' . II ' y:Il l' ri1
~li1 .111 llw l1111r ,,, l1.1111
\ II I"' IrI 1\y•• T,m, II ;&l,111111111r11111111• , 11 ,1 .1l1 , ,
, • • llr
' ,. l'l\l~' t \iq y
1
1l111 r\ ,
Wlwn Ill\ 1111 I"'''""' ll('t'l
ion lr h m ilow11, tl1 r l,lnw
wtl't't·,,to anm\ al\ 1,, our lni·,i rr
111 11ur rd .atlomhip~. 1".vru
pr11plr wirh t lir 1 .\
ttni,,,m dun~r m llnn't 11 1
follow 1hr 11,1111c p,11'1 Iii 111
.it wr d, , ( )thrr I"
~"'" ,,~ ,,\,·nly nf ~i~n• lhilt ,,, ,Ir
thrh 111tr111i11111 d1111't 1
111 t 1l1 w1tl1 ou, \,
i~n,,tt thrm . And 11 ,m J,, 11 w~
ctimrs, If wr wcrr 1110
,r aw.ur,
wt'"''"''' ~1\IIW 1\111 to IIU\t in arr i"''•l •lc 111 <:rc
the ru~,
plo&n\ Otlwr pr oplc
;a\w;&\~ 111 of ou
11 t c,m1111l- ~o how rn \ l.1d1.1,1qr I'
n we lru ~t anyonr i

STAGES OF TRUST
Tru~, can hr Cltrmln
l to anyonr from ;a tlX
i driver IIJ :i bu
to I lm't'r, hut o\wio11s \inc·•~ pJ11 nrr
ly wr <lon't h:tvr the
-.,11n r, ll'vcl uf trmt
one. It \ important to fnr t:\CrY·
he am:ntivt to how dl't·p
whrt\m thr.y'vr il(l\lall ly w e tr\J',I ,orn1·ri11r i 11J
y e;1rncJ thal lrvd of
trll',t.
Dr. John Gollman, on
e of the natiou's top
man i.1gc npffl~, w.rn1
to fintl out whit m.ik rd
es couplr.s ~rt sturk
in 011~oin ~ wnllill i11
m,olvin~ it .in" movin -rrnl 11f
g on . I Ir rxa111i11r,l rn
upll' s from ,ill tl\ rl thr
try, from varirJ MK io 1111111
c(nnomic :md cth11k
\i,11k1~w11111I~, ;in,I
cty of \lie ,i1u.atin11s, 111 J w1
from nrwlywl'II:., to ex
p1·\'1 111 i; pm·111,
whcrt onr , ,11,ull(' Will , to l,un 1lin
,\rpl11yr1I 111 militMy 11c·
1\'in·. Arn h~ di
mu,t impurto&nt i,huc to r b11,u,I, thr
.ill uf tlic, r roupb w.ih
t1 u,t J11d '1t·rr,1
lanK't.l),.,'f tliry u~r,1 to J·Jl. The
,l1·,nihc thrir j\~11r~ v.1
<Jur,t1o11 wa, .alway, th rin l a hi t, h111 tl,t tl'ntrJI
e ~a mr: Can I trn ~t ym
r to ht' l.1i tltl'11!· ( ·.w
you to hdp With hou!ICw I uu· 1
ork?Can I trn ,1 you to
11\ll' n, tn h,: tlll'rr 1 1
Tlu: rnuplc\ hild l~•MI\I " inr ;
ru.,on 1,1111 ;1kc trmt
ii p1 i111i11·. An
,,u,\i~ hy llr l\rlla l> ,.rtl, i,,', 111
d',mlo, proplr arc di•
' . ni s
mtrrari,o
,hc,nr.,r in onl' 1;1ih nf
d,rir
, · m nt y-trvt n rnllr
~r ~t11,\rn1 ~ .ind ,rv t·n
community at l tv pr 111k 111 •111 rli
1
argc W frt a:. kttI to krt· '
for llntn 1I· Th p tr .u l of ·1hr1r ,111·,.11·111 r ·r II n1111'
.iy,. ey Wl:rt 111IJ to t •
how rcconl .tll of tlw ir ex,
niauy 1it, · . tt h.111g1·~ ·u hI 1n 11llrt
1ry 10l,I . I lt.1111w what
you're rhiukmJ,:" -w
about lvi,11,> Ti0 . ha t If rIir,v l1nl
• n· tncour.tKC I1onr11ty,
the fl'!ltanhcr, tol d I . .1rtinpa11~
I 1c 11·
 1111 All f) N', lllf• t; 2n

JT/1 CES Of TRUST

_J.: NfVT~Al TRVST
rosf/h f
P•N'T M,1 t,r
~UAL1Ttl,, l lCh~ .. HAt
uv rr

MVTIIAL
l4Etr ,oi, J,TM w.41, -,,11
J,.N•w j•11'U s, Tl"
J.e f•A
IH lltf ' FlllttJE
oH , AN•TNIR

fV~
No
E M ATTfA WHA r UAr,,wi.
, , .. . h UAVE oNt Aftl•TUrl. 'j,
I.A t/rs

t their responses would help

that d1t'rc w;u no judgment involveJ, and tha
avior. Thry also solJ the
to ans ~r fundamental <JUCHtiona :about lying beh
vcs better. In the end, the
~ri me nt as a d1.ancc to get to know tlu:1nt;d
1tuJ rnt1 rcportcJ some level of lyin
K in one -third of their interactions
every five interactions. No
and the community members in one out of
wonder so many of us have trust i!isucs.
We know from our discussion of ego that we
lie to impress, to present

ourselves as •better" than we rc.alJy arc, but when these lies arc discovered,
ple than honesty would
the bctr:1yal docs far more damage to both peo
ely in the beginning, we
0
have. If the seed of trust is not planted effectiv
1 grow a weed of mistrust and betrayal.
our trust. We either
We a~n't careful with when anJ how we give

I
~ trust other proplc too easily, or we wit
hhold our trust from everyone.

Neiihrr of these cxtn:mes serve us well. Tru

sting rveryone makes you
 IHINK llK
E ._ MON
~
rabk to dc,·c .
vu\nc puun an d ,\itia,,nointm
. cnt. Tru11ti
1 10.ou1 and a\onc O \eve\ o
r .
11K no o
IU P . UI f trust 1hou • 11 c \,..
.
cxnr.nc nee with a nr. lt .l < l, m :t\y conc,p1> -~vl:' 1, y,)
,..- - .n o n atowing th 1iu
r , r ough four
Ntu1rolTrUJ W- L ,u m
r, ·
1tagc1 of \() %
I. n1:n Y' « t 1omco • · tni r.t.
You may r, L - c. nc,
nd t111:m 1UI\ ny ..:haim . 11 111 norm:u..1 not 10 tr
qualitia do I inu a JOY
to he aro • u111 111 .
not mm•t trust Thrv m r,I • u nd . 11,ci,c t111
cool unCr t t nd · -, ean you tlunk t\li ~·,·
to com"a-n,... tru•twor . . yo.u.r new :l('(11 • I " I IVt
ing JU. IO , ,,,.·o thincll wit
h hbb,hty . 1.inta11,,.t .,,
R pcrc- n1 of cx .
·able they ali r I nr.rt witnc1&
ts, tho&e th .
l n stu<l1 cs
cxa ni',n
o rated m r e JUmn fou ·
I I ore tru1 nd to he lik
fmd attractffl tworthy. W e
:, Rick Wi\ e a\so ten .
and fxttctati ion, coauth d to trn !-i t
om in tbt T or o fJudging a people we
rwt Gaml, Book by Its
pin a'beau sa ys , ..We found C(lt)tr: Brau
ty premium ty
found a 'bea ' in that the t h a t attra
c ti
y a r t tru1tc v e suhjen~
uty penalty d at high
tiona.• Wh ' w h e n att1active e r r a te s, but we al"
en w t equa people do )
te likability o n o t live up to
Uf for hUg r appeal wit cx pccta·
t disappoin h trust, w
tment. It ii e s
to m r. 0 n
e for th better to h et oun,clve
e wrong rea ave neutra ~
Contr11thu sons or to l tr u s t th a
trust them n to tru ~t
llTrwt. l dc blindly.
mode of life rif f ll thi1 level o
, where you f trust from
in tht 1hort a rc focuted rajas, the im
-tcrm. Con on getting pulsive
tn c tu al truat i i th e r e s u lt
It limpy IIJ the quid p that you w
ant
I: l f l P"Y r o
faith that JO fo r dinner an q uo of relati
d you promis o nships.
show up-In
O'U do i t If,.,.;
makt a pla
n, you can
e to pay m
e b ack, 1have
d there', no c o u n
Moat of UI fu nhcr expec t o n the perso
abm contn tation. Co n to
c tu a l n tr a c tu a l
our paths, y trust with trust is use
a w t ClptCt the major
it ful.
1 th e m y o f p e o p
deeper conne to trult \11 im
p\i~itly. Th
le who cro
ss
ction, but w
IOffleOnc t ~ to e h e ar t may want
who be disc:cmin
a n d ii only •bowing yo g. Expecti
ng more fr
~ at won u contnctu orn
t. al trust i i

=tr~uat::~
M"""'1 '" " p re m a ture at be st
'· Contnctu
IOlneone, a 1 trust rad
apecting th
ey would fflO lCI a higher 1cvd whe
~unknown lt likely
do the w n n you help
time in the e for you,
f u ~ . Wh in sornc
\ b o ere contn
, th p u t i a ha c tu al nust reli
-Tbit1tap ve agfted to cs
of1n11tio i n advanc
dai...ifrom e, mutual ·.
,.,,,,.,the,n
odc•f
@
 IH t~11<Jh~HIPS 235

t ,od~, whieff we M""t . from • pl:.rc of Koo<l11eM, po.itivity, and pcaa.

We all want to get to tlua Lrvr.l, and Kc)f'Jd fri.c,iJ11hiP' uaual)y do.
PtlTt mw. 11..- hiKl\at lr~I of tru~t i11 pure goodnca, when you ·
~ . no ,natter wl~t bappc:m,, that ;,motJu~, pen.or, has your back, and
vice ,-cnJ.. Collq(< ""lr.e•h~I u;-4< b Don M('.yer u.cd to give each of hia
w-,ammat~ a blank piece of p-,pcr on whkh he'd uk them to draw a ci«:Lc
IO ,q,m;n,t their "foa.ho&c.• 11\r)' wrote their na.mca at the top of the
cirdc., then drew lines •• d~ir left, right, and rear, and on ea.<.h line they
had to li.c d.c ~ of• tc:am,oatc who they'd want in their foxhole with
rl,cm.Tho•c cho.en "'°'t often by their tcamm.alcl were the team'• natu-
ral lr•n. Chuo•c your foxhole gang wi11oely.

Jf you were to graph the. number of people you tru.t at each lcvd, the
auult would probably look like a pyramid: a lot of people at ocutnl trust;
tt'W'tf rcoplc at contractual tnJ5t; )'OW' clo.c circle al mutual trust:, and
only a handful at the toP In-cl, pure trust.
No matttt bow di.utidied you arc with your pyrarnid,don't promote
ptoplt wirhout reuon. 11lC')' will only Id you down. The biggest misbkc
we make it to aaumc that ew:ryonc cb.c operate, just like us. We bclie,,c
that omen value what we .value. We believe that what WC want in a rc-
lationdup it what othen want in a rdationdup. When someone aay., -i
bit }'O'L,• we think they mean cucdy what we mean when we aay 91 1avic
,w.• But if we think Cffl}OOC ia a ~ of ounclve&, we fail to 1ee
things • dtey are. We ICC dungs u 1M arc.
Mutual trust requires patience and commitment. It is built on a true
undcntanding of the other penon in spite of and bccaUK they arc tcpa-
rate &om ua and view the world diffcrcndy. The way to step back from

making presumption• ii to dolcly oblcrve their words and behaviors.

When people ,how you their Ind of truat, believe them.
I want )'OU to fed gnt.cful for the people you can trust and to fed
~ by thole wbo trust you. If you have neutral trust for someone,
that'a cool too. Accept people u ttiey ~ and you give them the clwitt to

l
 4

!HI NK un ,. M U NK

grow ,mJ l'" "'t to L-

l"' more.
Wt « I oun;clvt"s up for lunK tcn11
ln1 ,1 wl
~ ltt it r-vul"' n:atur.llly. 1tn

TRUST IS A DAILY PRACTIC

E
Rcha11.,11l)h1p. "I r.irr. IY gt" t t0 I •·no int whcrt ho1h p.artilip:rnts un
- 1;1y •1
~solute IY kmlW 1t" •1 ,..
,.
MI WI I anJ 1hrv ;absol '
·'
utely knuw me. Like a rnrvc
·. . ·'I , .
du t t:ont1m w ) ippru;.K·hes bul nc:vcr rt:1i:hc11 a lin e, you nr.wr grt lo
. . ,IIC
(lCllnf Of s-.1png
. •1 .... ,<f them folly :anJ the
, U,.... y trn~t me full)', forn-f'r and
I

ever.• Tmst can he th-•..arcntd in small and l.1r~c wa ~

· :anJ nccdi to lie
rtinfoo.-cd ,mJ rebuilt on a daily
ba.~is.
BuilJ -anJ rtinfon.-c tru lit every
Jay hy:

• M..l.i.. anJ fulfilling promi1CS (ro

ntral.'tl
lal trust,
• GivtnK thotr you ~ abo
ut sincrrt mmplimcnts and
ron-.tn"-rivc
· 1· wn· going out of ynu
m JC ' .
r ,ny ro offer support (mun,a.1 tnu t)
• S12nJing by .,mconc Cff1I wh
en they arc in a baJ pla1._-c, h.ivc m.wc
1 milbke, or ncr:d htlp that ~i n: s ,i.,r
nitinnt time (pure trust)

AN INTENTIONAL LOVE l.lF

E
Now that we havt eon1e tools to
SI the mies prc)J,le pli
UiC
y in our li\'e~,
let's look at bow"' an dcq,c
n aisring relationship, anJ
build strong
new ODCL Letting go of md
itional family mies allowed
us monks to
broaden our connections with hum
anity. In the wn c way, cclib.M.-y
rhc energy and anentioa dw rom freed
antic k~ had consumni. Be
hurl this book xm a the room, I'm fore you
not ra:ommcnding celibacy
monks. Celibacy ii an atreme mm for
mitrncnt and twdly an cs,cnti
for cvieryooc. bur it did lad me
to rnd ati on s that I'd lik.c to
ay I did it ., you don't havt to. share.

To •op drinking?Tbar W'II CIIJ for

me.To 11op gambling? I'd
done DICh of that in chc fint place.
And I'd stopped eating meat
tttn. For me. giving up romant
ic rdationships was the lw da
t
 RElA TION SH IPS
237

Jed ridiculous, even imp oni blc. But 1

\t jOUO knew the pur pose beh ind
ve the effo rt and ene rgy that went into bein g validated
ir. to sa in a ro-
· •c relationship and to use it to huih
01antl l a rcl: uiom hip with mr c\f.
Think ofit the sam e W2Y giving up au gar
sou nds like a dra g-w hat sane
pcnon would win t to forgo ice crcam? -bu
t we .all kno w ther e'• a Ko,xi
rcison: to be healthy :rnd live longer. Wh
en I looked at the mon ks, l
coulJ src that they were doin g som ethi
ng righ t. Rem emb er tvb tthi cu
Ricutl, •the Wo rld' s Hap pies t Man"?
All the mon ks I met looked so
~n g and seem ed so happy. My rom anti
c enta ngle men ts had n't brouKht
'me fulfillment, so I was will ing to try
the exp erim ent of self-con trol and
discipline.
When I became a mo n~ one of my college
friends asked, "W hat arc
"'go ing to talk about? All we used to
do was talk abo ut girls." H e w:tS
right. So much of my life hal' bee n abso
rbed in navigating rom anti c con -
nections. There's a reason we wat ch cou
ntless sitcoms and movies abo ut
rom anc e-it 's endlessly cnte rtai nin g--b
ut as with any ente rtai nme nt, it
ukti time away from serious mat ters . If
I'd bee n dati n~ or in a com -
mitted relationship for those! three years inst
ead of bein g at the ashr .im,
I wouldn't be whe re I am today, wit h und l!rs tand
ing of my stre ngt hs and
who I am.
The Sanskrit for monk is brahmacharya, whi
ch can be tran slat ed to
•the right use of energy." In the dati ng
wor ld, when you walk into a b.r,
you look around to sec who is attr.ictive. Or
you swipe thro ugh pot cnt i~
mates online without giving a second tho ugh
t to how much tim e you
5Jl(nd in
the effort to hook up. But imagine
if you cou ld buy th.it tim e
hack fur you~lf, if you could recoup everyth
ing you've ever invested in
relationships that didn't pan out. Tha t attentio
n and focus could be use d
for creativity, friendship, introspection, ind
u~try. Now, this doesn't me.in
~ry failed relationship is a Wlitc of tim e.
On the contrary, we learn fro~·
each mistake. But think of the time around the
relationship, waiting for
tens, wondering if they like you, trying to mak
e som eon e cha nge into the
P'rson you want them to be. If we arc tho
ughtful about our needs and
CXpcctations, our time and energy go to far
better use.
 THINK LIKE A
23 8 MONK

. . is
Sexu al energv is not Jl . t about pleasure. It is sa c re d -i t ha
,
-I11·td Imagin . h . . n create . s the power
to cre:atc a \.: e w at it ca w it hm h . '
us w en it s harne
• M l M ad ro ne says, "Celibac ssed
Cer tified sex educator a a y by conscious choice.
·
is a powenw c.. , w ay to k
wor w1 . th yo ur own energy an d h
arness the potenc
of life energy. It ca al h 1 you strength · ·· y
n so e p en your m tmt:ion , your bou
aries and your un d nd-
erstan d'ing of what consent truly means . .
'. . . , mcludmg how
to difie rent1;.1te w hat k'm d of contact and in
teraction 1s truly
your ltf. e an d bY yo body" But )'o welcome in
• ur · ur en er gy is squandered w
spent ta1-1on•ng · hen it is
yourse lf to .someone else's ideal or
thc person you th .t nk he wants or su shaping yourself
specting her o f ch . into
· so eatmg on you. T
1s muc h anx1·ery .."nd neg!':ltivity ar here
ound dating and
find wthe one"-nev so much pressure
cr mind whether to
we're ready or ab
with anyone. le to settle down
Once the clement
o f romantic pursui
promote myself as t was removed, I
a boyfriend, to lo wasn't trying to
thing of me, to indu ok go od, to make wom
lge lust. I found m en think any-
with all my friend y co nn ections w it h fem
s-growing deeper ale fr ie n d s-
space and energy . I h ad more physical an
for their souls. M d mental
y time and atten
Again, I'm not su ti o n were better spen
ggesting you give t.
could), but what u p sex (t h o u g h y o
if you give yourself u certainly
self, able to focus p er m is si on to b e single
on your career, yo , by your-
ur friends, an d
Minister and phil y o u r peace o f m
?sopher Paul T il ind?
li ch said, "O u r
sen scd these two la n g u ag e h as w
isely
sides o f man's b
eing alone. It h
'lo nclines 5' to expr as cr ea te d th e
word
ess th e p ai n o f
word 'solitude' to being alone. A
express th e glory n d it h as created th
o f b ei n g alone." e
I spent three years
as
awarcne5s, at the en a mon k, t hrec ye
. d o f h. h I ars developing
tmns ahout a rdat w tc b
was a le to ask m .
• ionshi 1 yself th e ri
in sa tr o a- th P· m ay not have sp en t
how it fi lt 1 }.mdodhe o f d
r all o f my wa
e . goo n e ss -b u t 1 kn
datc. ln!ltead olaf t e opportunity be ew where I wante
d
1O< k' to come the p er so
renon for myself. l mg for others to mak e n I wo
h
m e appy, I was
ab
 RELATI O NSHIPS 23\J

ATTRACTION VERSUS CONNECTION

Our increased intcntfonaliry gives us a ck arcr per~pc,tivc with whk h

to evaluate why we arc initially attr-,1.l:tcd to people :rnJ whether 1ho11c

rc-.a.~ns support our values. There arc five primary motivations for
connccri,1n-:ind note that these don't c.xd u~ivdy apply to romantic pros-

}. Ph)'s-ical attraction. Y1iu like what they look likt." -yuu arc drawn t,>
their appearance, style, or presence, or you like the idea of being
seen with them.
2. 1"111tmal. You like their accomplish~c1; ts and the power anJ/or the
possessions this affords them.
3. [ntcll«tual. You like how they think-you're stimulated by thc:ir
convcrs:.ation and ideas.
-4. Emotional. You connect well. Tht:y understand your feelings and
increase your sense of well-being.
5. Spiritual. They share your deepest goals and values.

When you identify what's attracting you, it's clear if you're attracted
to the whole person or just a part. In my experience, ask most people what
attracts them to another person and they'll mention some combination
of the top three quaµries: looks, success, and intellect, but those qualities
alone don't correlate with long-term, fortifying relationships.
l\lonks believe that someone's looks aren't who they are-the body is
only a vessel for the soul. Similarly, someone's possessions aren't theirs-
they certainly don't tell you about the person's character! And even if
rou're attracted to someone's intellect, there's no guarantee it will lead to
a meaningful bond. These three qualities don't correlate with long-term,
0 fortifying relationships, but they do show your chemistry with another
pc~on. The last two-emotional an<l spiritual-point to a more pro-
fouo<l, lasting connection-they show your compatibility.
 QUALITY, t~ OT Q UA UT IT
Y
\\' lw n ii , u11 10 lo tlll' r.u
n~ y wr c .1q ir11 d w11d ,,., 1.
th ,''" i11 'l'' "h lt', 11,,1 •1111u1ttty J 111
- r 111 rt· I .. '•• " i I
11l1 c11 l,c ur 1 ,
1 111 1 .,.i ' 11
11\ 11 111 •) d1t ll Iii• ·)'
fr.-1 l11ld l11tvi11K ltt W1 11k l111 >', 1Y J1,1rr 111 1t ( )>',, ,i,,.
1u l,,JI II JI
wu l, 1lu·11 "'" " J\, , ll1di11~ ,-, It -1111 I l '•f" (
ll \••rl lly
,., 1l1 r. ti, ,. , .:v .-r I.u p,: i., ;, Ii· 11
11 m otI"· •• ' lllt . ' . I
U' 1 11 11 I 11· 'I"+' /11y 111111 ' • " 1 1 " '>n 11 1,,t
I II y I If 1I If' II It I
' . 11c 11111· 111 wi th ~ , I
I , 1111111111 ( J I hll 1111·,111
I,,_ • •1, 11 .,,, , 1('(11• ' "t
11 j>III llW .ty y11111 1•111111 ~ d11 i i r w f
11111 1 p,u ,· 111, h111 I '~'" "~
'
I k1111w tl,,11 .&11 ti I
,., ,11 I II) Iy I II J It'
l11ld, I ,1lw.1y h t, It y r
111 , '''
m ,..-1 mr11111111·d l111w uu u
h lua u: "he: 1111,:111 w11 l1 1111• M 11•>11 1•, ,.,.,..r,, I
"" " .... ~ )'"" "K , l11l1I I wr1 11
y I 11 1 ti y
, 11 r w, , k,-,j
I•> cl.,y, ,&11·. I d,u1'1 '1.1 vc "' 1
11 inu l"" ,r
d.a,y, .aar ~· 11,, p.-iuhal 11u· 111111 ,, .
u-11 11,r y fr,,n 1'
k , 11f lw r .al.11,l:11u:- -'1111
, omiu•~ 111 ph k mr 11p Slu
I d11 , 1.111 .- I I
. 111 ,~r irr
.• 'd 11lw;1y11 1111,ih· 1o&nd ,u,k _.1,.,11
1 11 ,y d.iy
Ti m i~ lrnc in 1111 rrl.at11111i.l
,ipi.. Nolin.ly w, wt u It> hit wi
nn wluh· )'ou '1t. 011 lie<' ph,)IIC d1 y,,u .ll din -
' , Tl1i1, i11 wl it·1c we , ou1 iJhC
Yo u, ,m 11pr111l • wh olt ' tu nr and r1irrly
hm11 wi1h i.omc:ouc-, bu t on
ly r,i ve rl u:m 1,·11 rnin -
1111•11 ol r11nt1,Y I'm n,H
.ili l" le) 11pc:111l 11111d1 tin w wi
ll, 111 y fall)ily, l111t wlicn
1'111 wl lh tlwm 1'111 too fH'H
<'Ill 1lw rr.. l'cl rnt l1c r hp
~11,I lw o h111u ~ with
llll'an, f,,1 w. r,l ,uul r11wo1Krcl,
1lrn11 y,ivr th<'111 p11r1ial di!
1 '> t1a, tcd energy f,11
• wh ul" wrr"-""''·
A 1111111k 1laow11 love tl111u1.,,h
ptr 11t•.11c r: .a11~l ;a11n11i1111. 111 tlit· .i~l ,rnu,
tamf' i11 vo trd w11• 11rvr1· ,,~rn
1111 • n•li.al,1«4
c>I , arc· ,,r t'll ~•1Y.'' 111 r nt.
llH '.lh llrt :
A, l'vr 111n11iu11r.1I, 11fln ■ rur
:d1i.1tl1111, 11oh11cly a11k..'. ,I
h11w lnn ii; y,,u'tl
rur,l.1,111·,I, 1liry 111,kr., I
ho w aI,:rp )" "''' I V.""" · 11· y I I1 111 r- r I"W° t litr
1
>11 c ' 1 1.tv
tv r,y 11it~lit, Kt,·1o11, l,111 wluu .
i11 tlu~ 'l""''.'Y of• th r ,·1111v<'rh 11· 111 i- 'fh i11k likr
11u111~11 do, ln 1r1 1n , of • r.11 .A ' re
1·1.r.y 11t111\llKrnu·111 no t 111 ·
11
ne mu · r,
. 1,, ,· 1111•111. A
yrn1 liri nt( ill~ your full pn•11rn,c
- ,mtl 1U lc1 1ri o11 1,1 a;o1 11c ont ·?
#
RE LATi ONSH l ~S 2~1

TRYTI-IIS: HANDCUFF ATTENTION THIEVES

ThtM ct.ys, most of 111 • • losing a battle fo< our attention. The
victors are
.,, ,crteM - The only wr, to giw 1n0t ~ pen.on your com ~• atant ion
r- 1 ~ r:l time • to tum off your screer,s. To g:-ve Mlf'neOM "' your life
t:tlt fOCU1 ~ deser-e, sit down with them to agrM on Nles surrou
nding the
pnone, the laptop, and the TV. Choose specific ICtMties th.t wal be your
quality time, .it:hout distraction. "ree to tum off your phones. put them
m
,nother room, ~ INw them at home. This may be I challenge at
f,~t. Pe,--
hlf" canvenation will lag, ~ frien<k 1nd colleagues will be frustrated becauw
they can't ruch 'fOAA- Setting thew boundaries will establish new expec
tations
o,iboth fronts: upsa iti com,,erytion will lose their awitwan:lnes; frienc:
k and
colleagues will ac:c.ept that you are not av.ilable 24f7.

SIX LOVING EXCHANGES

Most couples don't sit down together, draw up a list of value
s, and sec
whether they share them. But once we have clarity about ourse
lves, we
can connect with others in a more intentional way. The Upad
csamrta
wks about six loving exchanges to encourage bonding and growing
to-
gether. (There arc three types of cx.changcs; each involves giving and
re-
ceiving, thus adding up to six.) They help us build a relationship based
on
generosity, gratitude, and service.
Gifts. Giving charity and receiving whatever is offered in return. This
ICtml obvious, or maybe even mate rialis tic-w
e don't want to buy each
other's affection. But think about what it means to give to anoth
er person
with intention. Do you get flowers for your partner on Valen
tine's Day?
Tua ia a very conventional gesture, so consider whether it is the one that
brings ,our partner the most joy. If flowers it is, did you walk them past
~ 1
0 flower ,hop six months ago to suss out their preferences in prcpantion
£c,r this day, or did you text a secret query to their closest friend?
(Both
actions cnuil a lot more intention than just ordering some roses
onlinc,
 iHI N~ LI~ ( A M-:' Nl<..

tlw ugh , l)f 1..·n\Jr<.:(', th.i t's \,rt tcr tlu

n (\'l lllr1lrtc \y f,.)r~ctting the d.ly') h
\'.alent111c's D.n- the hco;t m,) mc nt hl
c.,prc~ 5 you r h,\-C, or \\•o ulJ a.nun-
c,p t'l" tnl ~e- .nir c be c,-cn m<)f'C mc
.-1ningfuP 1l.w t you t.1k en the time
to
t-nn trm pl.1 tr "h at an ill fric.-nd wo
ulJ really like ? ~1.iybc it isn't an object
but an :1rti<,n, a ~cn·in-, our tim e. Cle
ani ng the ir car, org ani 1.in g activitie~
helpin g thr m wi th nbli~atinns, or hring I
in~ the m somc:-placc beautiful.
Yo u ran bri ng the sJm e thoughtfu
lness to receiving a gift. fuc you
g-r.1tcful t~,r the effort tllJ t ,n~nt int o the
gift~ D o you understand why ~d
wh at it n1e Jns f0r the bi,1:r?
Cvn'i.•tn,1tion . Lis ten ing is on e of the
mo st tho ug htf ul gifts we ca.n
gh·e. Th ere is no bet ter ""'lY to sho
w tha t ,ve care abo ut ano the r per-
son's experience. Lis ten ing int ent ion all
y me ans loo kin g for the emotions
beh ind the wu rds , asking qu est ion s
to fur the r un der sta nd , incorporat·
ing what you've lea rne d into your kno,v
lcdge of the oth er person, doing
yo ur bes t to rem em ber wh at they sai
d, an d fol low ing up wh ere relevant.
Listening aho involves creating an atmosp
here of tru st, where the person
feds welcome and safe.
It is also important to share your ov.rn thoug
hts an d dreams, hope:
and ,vorries. Th e vulnerability of exposin
g yourself is a way of giving tros
and showing respect for another person
's opinion. It enables the oth~
person to understand the previous expe
riences and beliefs you bring 1
whatever you do together.
 SIX LOVING
EXCI-IANCEJ

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(r,,fTlo,JJ IJJ S/E,1/i-,NGr .,;r, Y~I wn,A ,i/17

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O , ©~f,E-JViN(.- .,;tu '"rsEwtE
 lRY THI S: MAKE YOUR C
OHVERSAllON INTO A
C lF l
I,, •., 11y, you t, y \0 ,to th, , ,n con \ltt l ia\ ,C lnl n•g11l11dy, but l h;, t
1

,me d
, n ,t _..,,~
t,,cu \ .I'd
'
n\, n\1 on
·
r,l ~ I momPnl you till 't't comi
ng up W1\h IOIT\•
,,,, t ant t\l you - • rI ,,n d, • re ~on, '"'
l lit i..-,, your pat '"er. Mayl.,
,t '' • m o\ cu
y,)u'\I b, ta~1ng toct th ,r. Du --•l\
ring th i, time, ,h ut off your pl,
one. Grve all Y<>u,
fotu• to th e other p11r,on. '"\\~
ad of hav,ng •.n •cend.,, b, t ur
,ou,. If I \op1(.
dl.,e,n't •merge, l\k thf'm ()pen
-ended que\\1ons to limd on
a ,ubj"c t th•t\
,m po rt, n\ to them : Wha
t', on your mind .\dtely? How
\ your r,ldt1on,~,p
w, th X? Li.. t• n ca,efully, l\k fol
low -up qut1\\1on,. ShMe yo ur
own e~ptritnc,,
without turning the c.orw,, ut
,o n lo youn~lf. A few da
ys later, ema,1 or ,,~
th e f,, .. nd to follow up .

FooJ. The wodll wJs a very <li

fTcrt nt pl.tee when the llpad
w.,s writtt·n, of nmr~e, am\ es.1mrt!
l intcrprt:t this l'X l:han~e of food
ll\l',m tlw cxl lu ng r of rx pc hro,u\\yto
:ricnccs: any tan~ih\c expres
sion of care and
,t' rvke tlu t tll)Uri~hr s hody
or spirit, lik e givin~ a massa
ge, crcatin~ a
rl'l.lxinh ~}',h'<" for th e other p<·
rson in th e home, or putting
on mmicynu
kn,)W tlwy rnj\,y. O n a r.r.tm \cr
scak , my wi fe \eft hr r he\ove
d farni\y and
'\H '\'C'll tn N l' W Ym k
~o ~hr cou\J live with m e- -a n
ex pression of care anJ
~<'nern~ity th ~,t nouris}u,J tne
more than l ca n say. Once we
were in N~w
~'nrk, I in tn )l\urcll her to othe
r women to hc\p her find a co
m munity.The
:xpt·rit" 1K~s we exrh~1nhed di
dn't have to be perfectly mat
ched- we kit>l
·or w lu t th~ other prrson ne
ed s most.

Chesc six ext:h.tn~es ran he

thou~ht\e ss an<l rmpty, or they
can h.1,·c true
lerth ~,nd me;,nin~. llu t don't ju
d~c people's dTorts without
~iving th~m
<:hanr~ to stu.:rrcd. Nohody .nt nrr
can reaJ minds . If your room
mat e 01 r
oC'sn t gurss t hat yo u want t h
I '
ct n to organi·Lc your b'1rt\1l\ P'\rtY •It 's 0 ,t
hr ir fault. In stead, he dear an
ay ' , ' I

J honest with them ahout wl t )'ou nt'('1

\a
 RELATI O NSHIP S 245

y THIS: ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT

TR . pcrtint people in your life how you like to receive love. When we
f,11 tht im
dofl't ttll people what we wanl, we e•pect them lo read our minds and often
. them for failing to do so. Thi, week, be more genuine in asking people
~Ip r,ther than waiting for them to predict what you want.

Think of a complaint you have about a loved one's behavior. (But don't
1.
look too hard for faults! If nothing springs to mind, that's a great sign and
'f"U should skip this exercise.)
_ Dig to tht root of the problem. Where is the real dissatisfaction? You
2
might find th1t your need corresponds to the loving exchanges. Do you
wint more timt to share and connect? (conversation) Do you feel un
-
appreciated? (gifts) Do you want more support? (food or other acts of
service)
3. Articulate it without criticism. Say, "This is what would make me feel
more loved and appreciated" instead of "You do this wrong."

In this way you give a companion a path to connection, which is easier

for
them and more likely to fulfill you.

READY FOR LOVE

The six loving exchanges lay a foundation for any close relationship, but
most of us are looking for "the one." The Harvard Grant Study follow
ed
268 Harvard undergradu
ates for seventy-five years, collecting piles of
data about them along the way. When researchers combed through
the
data, they found a single factor that reliably predicted the quality of par-
ticipant5' lives: love. Participants could have every other external marker
f~r s~ccess-money, a thriving career, good physical healt h-bu
t if they
d1dn t hav 1 . l . . '
e ovmg re at1onsh1ps, they weren t happy.
We all come to relationships with different levels of self-awareness.
 \\\:11 t~ co:::,~ ,-~
.
r.icnt of orJ.J1~ q·nz:z.e; :..r..d <!2-•·ir: 6 ar~)\
r ,
w•'- ,44 :,.1
t.~ d-..i-.-.a.ct~~-..1.::s -~ w-.nt i.!l J _r..nn~~n.5C (If l:•..:..._7~:;r ,. ... .,;
' ---=-.!q
6-•<.xi-k,ok;~----bu~ we ±>0.t J30k at ~+. . . r ~-~ Je...:y need l-Iuw d~.; :.
"""'2:i: t:-J be GL~ fc,r? \'th~J ~~ u... f::d Im-rd? -
b l/7",;:: t, u-:1e. 1'-illcl:i !'~ fur~ "Ti:~ -Oft'!n, we ~?'!" .. " ,.......,-~~
.• ,
-
O .,,
o•t...--
'."'l 1---, .. ~ -.. ._,,,. 1-av'C'. a.:id ~ -~ . d tl--1c•~ b·~~ t"J ......
r.- ....
l~u-.,.._
. _:...,~J ~ i.. .... ......,. -
•. __':t --. ....., . . ... ,.., \ t ~

~
o-:..=:-~"'=5 fr.X!l cr..rr 1>..:.:~~.::g. \1'.'11~ ~-~ le4L.4~ to love a.:id t..[".i~en~...,., ,.
~ 0.,;r.

V-..~ an".! l:zv,: n-.ie cor::pasE>jon for Q f ~ ~ t.1..en ~ an tr-.J..'-

.., lr..>Y'-'.. J.rt.,
.J

uJi:d._-s::L~ 2!Y->t.~ ~ -• ,.A...fter the ~h:-...."':l, -ah~ I w..s ~ , fr,r a

r::.!.tioru~rp (1'fjd) wa.s not. £S 50!:lC frit:n6 ~,med,~ moment I 1,-;.·,,\ ~

.rnv
~
sc,~ I ~~te-.:f in a pa:rtner W'll s-~c1e.d b·t ..df-L'l'}Q\\.1~.,
of w-1-~t 1·1.,.,,.,.....

I bic-w r.u.a.t ~..Jd compkm~t me and ....+...%t wou.1.±i'L I l.Jt'\o\· "''1~;~

nedcd i.~ q 1:fe a_'ld whn I bd to offer. !..-1y ability to fu:-id t.~ r~··b
rr:a_:ioru;}11p cvoh·-=d ~ l had C'VO!ved_ ~
..\.$ it b ~ Ra.:frj ~1~1kia, t'ie woman ~-ho wo,.Jd becomt ov
•
111-if~ a.!rod.,v h.d t ~ 5Clf-~~-:re too. \\'ithout t.'14! need for th~ t.:;it
;~~· f d oa.:ie, sh.e 1:..~cw sh'! wa:1ted to be wim 50rrteon'! spirir-~y
•
m ~ "-i:h r~""!l morals and n!.u..~ I believe me wocld 6.,-e done
}ust ~~ without m~ B\olrt I k.now my life would hn-c been different, f~
o f ~ if I r..in'r t:21:.en dx tfrne to work on oysdf before d.i.-u:g ~t, a
serious r-~ti.c>r'.s.11:p.
i \ ~ - i g to ~t~sh~ Atttck, love is a ,'ab. Dan in R.uJ lift SZ)'S
1~ is an a!,iliry. Tbe Dili.i l.2roa ~ LOYe is the absence ofj~..JCCL•
.u,\~ u ilio patient. It's kind. And apparently, lm-c is all you need. \Vdi
if.> rn2CT delnitions of lm-c in our rulture., it's all a bit confusing. .A~~ I
~

was conf~ despite a.!l my monk experience-my sclf-aplontion ~