Biblical Principles

of Marriage

“Let marriage be honored among all &

the marriage bed be kept undefiled.”
(Hebrews 13:4)

Notes prepared by Fr. Joseph Jenkins

 Biblical Principles of Marriage

Today I want to talk to you on the Biblical Foundations of

Marriage. A joke is told that if you get two ministers in a
room, you will get three different interpretations of
Scripture. Given that biblical interpretation is so volatile
these days, I will give my five basic presuppositions. Next, I
will offer the ten basic principles of marriage from Scripture.

Presuppositions As we Begin

1. The Scriptures are inspired by God and teach truth.

2. We must have the mind of the Church in how Scripture is
interpreted.
3. The Bible is not a marriage manual.
4. Better understanding of Scriptural truth comes through a
contextual approach.
5. The truth about marriage in the Bible is revealed in a
progressive way, culminating in the New Testament.

A Few Basic Biblical Principles

While the Bible is not a manual for marriage, there are some
basic principles we can derive from God’s inspired Word.
Here are a few:

1. Men and women were made for each other. Most men
and women are called to marriage.
2. Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman.
They pledge themselves to each other in vows made in
the sight of God.
3. The husband is the head of the home and the wife is its
heart.

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4. While the Bible speaks of the wife’s submission to her
husband, there is mutuality in this surrender since the
husband is commanded to practice sacrificial love for
her, even offering his life as Christ did on the Cross.
5. The husband and wife are dependent co-creators with
God.
6. The spouses are called to be helpmates to one another in
grace and holiness.
7. Marriage is a vocation that takes precedence over other
preoccupations. Your attention and energies must first
be focused toward one another.
8. Marriage is a sexually intimate relationship between a
man and woman.
9. Christian marriage infers a third in the marriage, Christ.
Couples enter into the mystery of Christ and his Church.
Our Lord identifies himself with the beloved.
10. Couples should come to the marriage bed undefiled. All
sexual activity outside of marriage was regarded by the
Jews as a violation of the commandment against
adultery.

The Sacrament of Marriage

Marriage is a natural right. However, the Church reasonably

asks couples to refrain from this right until they have
obtained adequate psychological maturation. This coming-
of-age is indicated by comprehending marriage as a life-long,
complete commitment between a man and woman. They
would also have to understand that this relationship is
orientated toward mutual love and help (fidelity) and to the
procreation and education of children. The background to
this awareness is a realistic appreciation of the various
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difficulties in marriage and how they might handle them.
They must be free from coercion in making this promise of a
shared life and possess integrity of intention or will, resolved
to endure any hardship.

Despite the shameful statistics, the Church is almost alone in

teaching that marriage is an unbreakable bond. Non-
Christians may know it as the noblest of natural contracts;
Christians can embrace it as a sacrament, a covenant
through which Christ gives grace. St. Paul tells us that
Christian marriage is a sacred sign that reflects the lasting
unity of Christ, the groom, with his bride, the Church.

A married couple extracts life from out of their love. First, in

their reciprocal fidelity, they nurture and give life to each
other. Second, in their openness to children, they cooperate
with God in the act of creation. They summon into existence
separate individuals who will endure for all eternity. What
other human work could ever compare with this? Rather
than a onetime event, they continue to give life to their
children by caring for their physical needs. They must also
aid in their spiritual development, laying foundations for
growth in faith and holiness. This latter responsibility cannot
be over-emphasized. Third, growing in holiness themselves,
the couple’s love and service is a powerful witness, giving life
to all whom they meet. Seeing their faithful commitment, we
are reminded that this kind of love has not utterly passed
from the world.

Jesus raised marriage to the level of sacrament. Although we

do not know the precise occasion of its institution, the
Church early on recognized that the reality of this

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relationship was transformed by the commitment of two
baptized Christians in a covenant of love. Indeed, Christ
identifies himself with the beloved.

Marriage makes two people helpmates to each other in

seeking holiness. Spouses are to assist each other in
becoming saints who will share eternal life with Christ in
heaven. If all their earthly preoccupations bypass this
objective, then there is something defective in their love. It
must be an ingredient— even if it is tragically reduced to one
spouse praying for the other to return to faith practice or to
join the Church. Ultimately, sacramental grace brings
confidence to the couple that God will help them to
persevere in love, fidelity, and holiness.

The sacrament of marriage has certain effects:

1. An invisible bond that will last until the death of one of

the spouses; and
2. The graces of the sacrament.

The graces of the sacrament include all those necessary to

maintain their collaboration and mutual love in all aspects of
their shared life— graces to confront and conquer all threats,
troubles, misunderstandings, illness, or anxiety. If we walk
with the Lord, his promise of grace and his presence will
remain with a marriage for a lifetime. It must be made clear
that one might receive the sacrament of matrimony with its
permanent bond, but without the graces to faithfully live it
out. Indeed, a root cause for divorce among Christians is in
this regard; serious sin would lower the sacrament to a
sacrilege. This is no light matter. Mortal sin destroys our

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relationships, both to God and to one another. However,
even in these unfortunate cases, with the restoration of
saving grace through the sacrament of reconciliation, the
graces of marriage would be made fully available.

There are many duties and responsibilities in marriage. Chief

among these are fidelity, cohabitation, and mutual help
(especially with offspring). Statistics reveal that the Catholic
divorce rate is rapidly approaching the national average
wherein half of all marriages fail. Interestingly, a Gallup poll
discovered that couples who pray together for a few minutes
every day and who regularly attend Sunday Mass have a
much lower failure rate. Indeed, 98% of such marriages
survive and flourish. This says something wonderful about
the intimacy of prayer between spouses and God— it is a
visible testimony about the positive influence of grace living
in true Christian marriages.

Marriage, a Basic Building Block

Jews and Christians alike understand that God is the author

of marriage. This truth is reflected both in Scripture (divine
positive law) and in the fabric of creation itself (natural law).
As Catholic Christians, we further view marriage as a lifelong
commitment between a man and a woman. Marriage has
always been a basic building block of human society. We see
this in the Bible and in our society today, although there are
many novelties which threaten this foundational
relationship. We will often speak of marriage and the family
as the “little church,” but it is also the basic cell for Western
civilization. Marriage has both a social purpose as well as the
higher moral and religious significance.

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The Old Testament Witness of Marriage

The Old Testament offered various marriages as symbolic of

God’s relationship with his Chosen People (as with Hosea
and Gomer). While Israel was constantly unfaithful, he would
bring her forgiveness and seek to woo her back to himself.
This understanding becomes more serious in the New
Testament in that marriage signifies the relationship
between Christ and his Church. It is not for man to redefine
marriage or its parameters. It is entirely of God’s design (see
Genesis). It points to something beyond itself. Catholics
would appreciate this mystery as a sacrament.

There are a number of significant marriages detailed in the

Old Testament:

 Adam and Eve;

 Abraham, Sarah and Hagar;
 Isaac and Rebekah;
 Jacob, Rachel and Leah;
 Boaz and Ruth;
 David, Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail, Maachah, Haggith,
Abital, Eglah and Bathsheba; and
 Hosea and Gomer the harlot.

Polygamy was sometimes practiced early in the Old

Testament but as with the Muslims today it was probably
rarely practiced due to the expense. The Jews practiced a
two-tiered marriage, as we see with Mary and Joseph. Jesse
Jackson got into some trouble years ago for saying at a
Democratic Convention that Mary was an unwed mother.
According to Jewish law, however, she was married already.

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The first stage was betrothal and the second was when the
woman came to live in the husband’s house. A dowry was
paid to a woman’s father making her his property. The
problem with this set up was that it might bypass the
woman’s consent. When the man brought the woman to his
house, there would be a big celebration or feast in the
community.

The Song of Songs celebrates the joys of physical love.

Following a terrible curse, we have the poignant night prayer
of Tobiah and Sarah. From profane to profound, we see the
whole gambit of human love. The old marriage prayers
stressed that married life was among the greatest joys not
forfeited by original sin or washed away by the flood. The joy
and fruitfulness of married life was deemed as a sign
pointing to God’s favor and the promise of redemption. A
good marriage was thus a taste of heaven.

The new dispensation of Christ would build upon God’s plan

seen in Genesis and creation. Further, since the Church was
the new People of God, the marriage analogy would refer to
Christ and his Church.

Potency & Marriage

Over the years I have received a number of questions about

disabilities and marriage. I am always reminded about one of
my first ministerial tasks at the Washington Hospital Center
in the District of Columbia. A 22 year old Marine had
experienced a training accident which left him a paraplegic.
His young and very attractive fiancée was ever at his
bedside, holding a hand which could no longer feel hers. He

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wanted to die. Certainly he did not want to tie her down to a
man the doctors insisted would always be an invalid. Her
response was to remain by his side and to offer tears of
intercession for his pain and their lost dreams. Many years
have passed since our encounter, and I am still unsure what
might best be said in such a situation. It was not a time to
come down on their hopes with a debate about the laws of
nature and of the Church. I shared their space, offered them
prayers and what consolation I could muster, but I could not
take away the depths of their loss.

The marital act open to new life and seeking the good of the
beloved is a sign and seal of the sacrament. The marriage
covenant is consummated and renewed by it. Cognizant of
our nature as bodily persons, the Church is also realistic and
pragmatic enough to realize that marriages which
shortchange sexual intimacy often fuel the fires of infidelity
and alienation. The question here is not simply one of
disability, but of the type of disability. Blindness, deafness,
loss of certain limbs, etc. pose no such impediment to
marriage. Even infertility does not negate the right of
marriage if no deceit is present when the vows are made.
However, can a person mentally deranged or seriously
incompetent get married? No, not if they lack a conscious
awareness of the nature and obligations of marriage. A
paralyzed person, might be fully aware of the responsibilities
of marriage, but be incapable of fulfilling them. The law of
the Church in such cases is simply a reflection of the natural
law. Having said this, once consummated, a tragic accident
of such a nature would not abrogate the bond. The initial

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consummation, not coerced and unimpeded by
contraception, makes a sacramental marriage indissoluble.

What recourse would a couple have in getting married if one

of the members is paralyzed from the neck or even from the
waist down? Depending on the situation, the bishop himself
may not be at liberty to grant a dispensation for marriage.
This would especially be the case if there is no real possibility
of recovery and consummation of the bond. Having said this,
a very grave concern of the Church would be the use of oral
sex as an attempted substitute for the marital act. While
permissible in the old morals manuals as a precursor to
intercourse, it cannot be sought as an ends unto itself. It falls
on many of the same arguments as masturbation and
homosexual interactions. Moving on, it is possible that some
degree of medication and therapy might restore enough
function to fulfill the marital act. In such a case, marriage
could be permitted. Further, modern technologies have
made available various pump mechanisms (requiring
surgery) which would make possible an erection. If there is
some transmission of seminal fluid, then again, marriage
might very well be permitted. This position is not a reduction
of the human person to a gross physicalism but the
recognition that our living bodies, inextricable animated by
souls, are the real expressions of our identity. Unless
forsaken for the kingdom, the needs of these personal
bodies– our very selves– cannot be underestimated. Having
said all this, there is still another avenue a couple might
pursue, although a sexual dysfunction might be coercive in
its regard– virginal or spiritual marriage. They could live their
lives promising perpetual virginity along the lines of the

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Virgin Mary and the good St. Joseph. Even if Church
officiation could not always be granted such unions, because
of the physical duress, there is no law against compassion
and platonic friendship.

Whatever a couple in such a fix decides to do, they will

definitely know the Cross. It is my hope that the Church will
always show them the redemptive value of joining our
sufferings to the passion of Christ. What this world takes
away, the next will restore. What this world leaves us, we
can utilize for the coming of the next.

Permanency of Marriage

Jesus raises the bar on marriage, taking sides in the debate

about divorce. Jewish men might write a writ of divorce,
leaving the women vulnerable and destitute in their society.
Our Lord would have none of it. Citing creation itself
(Genesis 1:27 and 5:2), he asserts that men and women were
made for each other and that God intended their union to
last throughout life. This position in favor of permanence
reflected the school of Shammai. An opposing view was
espoused by the rabbinic school of Hillel, which permitted
men to divorce their wives, even capriciously. This would be
similar to the idea of no-fault divorce today.

 Matthew 19:1-12
 Mark 10:1-12

Jesus saw husbands and wives both culpable for failed

marriages. The two in one flesh did not permit any wiggle
room or escape clause. Both monogamy and marital
permanence become traits of Christian marriages. Divorce
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would generally disappear from Christian circles until the
Protestant Reformation.

While St. Paul would speak about celibacy as an

eschatological sign of the kingdom, our Lord also associates
his kingdom with marriage. His very first miraculous sign in
his public ministry will be at the wedding feast of Cana.
While some might suppose that Jesus only lightens the
burdens placed upon people by the Pharisees, he actually
adds to their weight. The reason why he seems more gentle
and tolerant is because of his generosity in offering the
mercy of heaven and divine grace. Remember that Jesus has
taken away the option for divorce and says things like love
those who hate you and forgive those who persecute you.
He says that just to hate your brother is to violate the
commandment against killing. Returning to this topic, at the
Sermon on the Mount, he commands that even to look at a
woman lustfully is the commission of adultery. The Mosaic
Law, often referenced by St. Paul as burdensome, permitted
a writ of divorce. Instead, Jesus substitutes an absolute
prohibition, except for what is sometimes translated as
“sexual immorality” or “adulterous.” These words fail to
appreciate the magnitude of what Jesus is saying. The actual
word used is PORNEA and in this context the New American
Bible renders it politely as “unlawful marriage,” but it
probably means INCEST. Such marriages are not true
marriages, the reason why the Church grants annulments,
such unions are not sanctioned by God. However, if a
marriage is genuine, then it will endure until the death of
one of the spouses. Given the fact that it was a patriarchal
society, divorce forced women to seek a new protector and

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source of support. In this sense, not only the man, but the
woman was forced into adultery.

Marriage and the Eternal Quality of Love

Certain Sadducees tried to trick Jesus with a question that

mocked the resurrection. They asked, without pure intent,
whose wife a woman would be in the kingdom who had
alternately married seven brothers, each dying in turn?

Luke 20: 34-38: “Jesus said to them, ‘The children of this age
marry and are given in marriage; but those who are deemed
worthy to attain to the coming age and to the resurrection of
the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage. They can
no longer die, for they are like angels; and they are the
children of God because they are the ones who will rise. That
the dead will rise even Moses made known in the passage
about the bush, when he called ‘Lord’ the God of Abraham,
the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob; and he is not God of
the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive.”

This teaching fits neatly into the appreciation of marriage as

a sacrament. Marriage in this world is a sacred sign which
participates in the great marriage banquet of heaven
between the Lamb and his Church. When we rise to new life,
there will be no more faith, because we will know the truth
and see God face to face. Mortal marriage ends at the entry
way from this world to the next because we will know a unity
with the divine bridegroom. Having said this, death does not
bring an end to love. Indeed, in Christ, love conquers the
grave. Love is eternal because life is everlasting. The figure or
sign of marriage will be replaced by that which is most real

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and pure. We will abide within God, that perfect union in
divine love, forever.

The Practicality of St. Paul

St. Paul is the Jew’s Jew. He draws from the Old Testament
relation of marriage between the Chosen People and God to
speak analogously of Christ as the divine bride groom and
the Church as his bride. Paul is also very practical. While he
has a preference for single-hearted or celibate discipleship,
he acknowledges that not everyone has that gift.

 1 Corinthians 7: 1-16

The Complementary Role of Husband and Wife

A major source of discussion these days is the notion of a

husband’s headship. Largely because of the sexual
revolution, many take serious exception to it. However, I
suspect that it is widely misunderstood. While isolated
verses would seem to place all the gravity with the husband,
the Catholic “contextual” approach would weigh it with
references to the role and value of the wife. There is equality
between the spouses and yet this should not be interpreted
in any egalitarian manner. Each spouse has his or her
complementary role to play. Notice in the life of the Holy
Family, Joseph is understood as their great defender. And
yet, it is Mary who is focused upon as the parent at the
Presentation in the Temple. Similarly, when the boy Jesus is
found in the Temple, the recorded conversation is between
Jesus and Mary. Joseph is the foster father of Christ. He is
entrusted with his family’s care. But respecting Mary’s
motherhood and her deep faith, he steps back and allows
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her to do the talking. This does not destroy his headship.
Instead, he had a good enough head to appreciate Mary’s
strength, gifts and calling. (It must be said that Joseph also
appreciates his standing in this unique case. Jesus asks
them, do they not know he had to be in his Father’s house?
Joseph steps back and is silent because he knows this truth
very well. Jesus is the Son of God.)

As a boy my family always respected my father as the head

of the home. Daddy would work hard, cash his check and
give mother all the money to pay the bills. She would take
out two dollars and put it back into his wallet saying, “A man
should always have money in his wallet.” She did so many
things that he found difficult. They worked together. They
lived out a real partnership. At the same time, my mother
always gave my father the deepest respect. We were a poor
family but my dear father worked from 5:30 AM to 6:00 PM
six days a week so that we could have a roof over our heads
and food on the table. Mother was a stay-at-home Mom, but
she worked just as hard or harder in caring for the home and
seven children. She would have been the first to say that
Daddy was the head of our family; but by the same token,
mother was the heart of our home. Which is more
important, the head or the heart? Take away either one, and
a body dies.

St. Paul speaks about the headship of the husband and

father but also insists that they be subject to one another as
to the Lord (Ephesians 5:21). There is a profound unity
between the husband and wife going back to Genesis. The
two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Jesus will also stress
this unity (Matthew 19:4-6; Mark 10:7-9). It signifies a
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definite spiritual bond or connection between the spouses.
Given its ecclesial significance, Christ raises this union to the
level of a sacrament.

 Ephesians 5: 21-33
 Colossians 3:18–21
 Titus 2:3-8
 1 Peter 3:1–7

Jesus Elevates the Dignity of Women

While always regarded as something more than a man’s land

and livestock, the Mosaic writ of divorce and cataloguing
women along with property, tended to undermine
something of the woman’s personal worth and her role as a
companion in marriage. Jesus seeks to correct this by
stressing the primordial union and elevating the value of
women whom he encountered. The woman caught in
adultery was threatened with stoning. His challenge to the
crowd saves her. But he tells her to avoid this sin in the
future. She was singled out for condemnation by the mob,
but where was the man with whom she sinned? A double-
standard was at work. The Samaritan woman at the well is
told her past by Christ, who knows all her infidelities, and he
offers her saving water. She too did not sin alone and who
knows what dire circumstances pressed her into many
transitory unions? She becomes a prophetess for her people.
He forbids divorce as something that was never supposed to
be, but tolerated before his coming because of the hardness
of their hearts. Women deserve better treatment and should
not be cast off.

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Then there is the Mother of Christ. At the wedding feast of
Cana she tells him that the wine has run out. He says to her,
what business is this to me, woman? Joseph is gone and now
Jesus is the head of her little household. Nevertheless, she
tells the stewards to do as he says and he changes water into
wine. The heart of the home will always have a lot of
influence and meaning. Jesus preserves the joy of the
marriage banquet. Similarly when located in the temple, the
boy Jesus challenges her. And yet, we are told that he
“immediately” came along with her and the good St. Joseph
and was obedient to them. Mary was “the woman,” and
according to the fathers of the Church, “the new Eve.” She
would be the spiritual Mother of the many adopted sons and
daughters of God. Although his physical Mother, she would
also prefigure the Church as the spiritual and spotless bride
of Christ. Her model for womanhood would always be with
Jesus. Our Lord saw in her the great dignity and
immeasurable value of all women, and their inherent
potential for holiness.

A Hierarchy of Love in the Home

Given that one sees a hierarchy in marriage; neither spouse

should lead the other into sin. Similarly, parents can
rightfully demand honor and obedience from children, but
they must be worthy of such honor. Many things might be
excused to preserve the peace of a home; but once a
husband starts ordering his wife and children around as
slaves, it will not be a happy home. When there is abuse,
cruelty and sin; an offending spouse is stripped of authority
by the one who is the source for all authority. The message
of the Gospel is to embrace a sacrificial love. Jesus pours
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himself out on the Cross. If this is to be realized in marriage,
then it must be mutual. The husband pours his hopes and
dreams and life into his wife. Conversely, she pours all her
longings and love into her husband. When there is this
mutual self-donation, a couple may always be filled and
whole. Indeed, their love may bear the wonderful and
mysterious gift of children wherein God makes them co-
creators with himself. When one gives and the other only
takes, the one finds him or herself empty and the other
caged in selfishness. Such a mentality is at the root of cold
marriages, adultery and the culture of death.

Men and women are both made in the divine image; they
have a need for mercy and a capacity for grace. The
Scriptures make it very clear that they are called to be
helpmates in becoming holy. Marriage comes down from our
first parents to the present as an institution to bring fidelity
and fruitfulness to the loneliness of the human condition.

ADAM & EVE

Genesis 1:26-28 – Then God said: Let us make human beings in our
image, after our likeness. Let them have dominion over the fish of the
sea, the birds of the air, the tame animals, all the wild animals, and all
the creatures that crawl on the earth. God created mankind in his
image; in the image of God he created them; male and female he
created them. God blessed them and God said to them: Be fertile and
multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of
the sea, the birds of the air, and all the living things that crawl on the
earth.

Genesis 2:7 – Then the LORD God formed the man out of the dust of
the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man
became a living being.

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Genesis 2:18-25 – The LORD God said: It is not good for the man to be
alone. I will make a helper suited to him. So the LORD God formed out
of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the air, and he
brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever
the man called each living creature was then its name. The man gave
names to all the tame animals, all the birds of the air, and all the wild
animals; but none proved to be a helper suited to the man. So the
LORD God cast a deep sleep on the man, and while he was asleep, he
took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. The LORD
God then built the rib that he had taken from the man into a woman.
When he brought her to the man, the man said: “This one, at last, is
bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called
‘woman,’ for out of man this one has been taken.” That is why a man
leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of
them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet
they felt no shame.

Genesis 3:16-20 – To the woman he said: I will intensify your toil in

childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Yet your urge shall
be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. To the man he said:
Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I
commanded you, You shall not eat from it, Cursed is the ground
because of you! In toil you shall eat its yield all the days of your life.
Thorns and thistles it shall bear for you, and you shall eat the grass of
the field. By the sweat of your brow you shall eat bread, Until you
return to the ground, from which you were taken; For you are dust,
and to dust you shall return. The man gave his wife the name “Eve,”
because she was the mother of all the living.

Genesis 4:1 – The man had intercourse with his wife Eve, and she
conceived and gave birth to Cain, saying, “I have produced a male
child with the help of the LORD.”

Genesis 4:25 – Adam again had intercourse with his wife, and she
gave birth to a son whom she called Seth. “God has granted me
another offspring in place of Abel,” she said, “because Cain killed him.”

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Matthew 19:4-6 – He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the
beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this
reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two,
but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human
being must separate.”

Mark 10:6-9 – But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them
male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and
mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one
flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God
has joined together, no human being must separate.”

1 Corinthians 11:7-12 – But from the beginning of creation, ‘God

made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his
father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall
become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore
what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

1 Timothy 2:13-15 – For Adam was formed first, then Eve. Further,
Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and
transgressed. But she will be saved through motherhood, provided
women persevere in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

This booklet is prepared as an aid to

assist with catechesis and marriage
preparation at Holy Family Catholic
Parish, Mitchellville, MD. Feel free to
take it home for continued religious,
sacramental and spiritual formation.

12010 Woodmore Road

Mitchellville, MD 20721

301-249-2266