Eternal Families Course project

Description of Interviews
The four couples I chose to interview for my course project are my parents, my
grandparents on my Mom and Dad’s side, and my mom’s brother and his wife. I chose
these four couples because they are some of the people that I most admire, especially
when it comes to their marriages and family relationships. Although they all have very
different family dynamics and experience, all four couples are strong in the gospel, and
they all emulate the kind of family relationships that I hope to have someday.

Summary of Interviews and Analysis

After asking each couple the story of how they met, I asked them each of the following
questions:
1. What are the best and hardest parts of marriage?
I was somewhat surprised to hear that for these four couples, they didn’t describe their
marriage as something all that difficult. When hearing their stories, I learned that they
often had to make significant sacrifices for each other and for their children, but it was
never in the attitude of resentment. Everything they did was in the interest of their
spouse or their children. It seems that they decided to forget their own interests and
wants, and instead turned completely outwards. As for the best parts of marriage, the
answers that were most commonly given were the constant companionship, and
someone to share life with. The couples described that being together, sharing
experiences, learning and growing together was what makes their marriage so
wonderful. I thought it was interesting that my Aunt said that although this constant
growth and change is one of the best parts of marriage, it has also been the hardest.

2. What kind of sacrifices did you have to make for your marriage?
I also found it interesting that the couples didn’t have very lengthy responses for things
they had to sacrifice. I was expecting them to give me a list of all that they’ve had to
give up for their spouse, how they’ve had to deal with differences, and how they’ve
compromised their expectations in traditions, raising children, visiting family, etc.
Although they named a few things (such as how my uncle had a habit of always leaving
all the cupboards open, or how my grandpa Wride gave up ballroom dancing when he
married my grandma who lost her ability to walk when she got polio) they didn’t seem to
care so much about it. From hearing their stories, I know there were things they had to
sacrifice for their marriage, but they seemed to have forgotten about it. They didn’t
acknowledge or give much attention to themselves, rather their interests were
completely in favor of the other person. They became completely and whole-heartedly
one. And as my dad said, the sacrifices made in marriage haven't been so much of one
or two major sacrifices, but it’s been a million simple everyday sacrifices, in the interest
of the other person.

3. How do you handle disagreements?

In answer to this question, several of the couples emphasized the importance of taking
time alone, and resolving their personal issues separately before coming together later.
I learned from talking to these four couples, as well as what was taught in class, that
everyone has differences. What determines success however, is how you deal with the
differences. You can either learn to love and appreciate them, or you can turn them into
a problem.

4. How did your marriage change when children entered the picture?
Something interesting that my Aunt Stephanie said was that children are an amplifier.
The friendship between couples and simple joys are enhanced with children, but in the
same way, any problems or conflicts in a marriage are also enhanced when children are
brought into the family. That’s why it is so important for the marriage between couples to
already be strong before they have children. Although they may be able to reinforce the
commitment between couples, they don’t necessarily fix any existing problems.

5. How has your family been influenced by “The Family: A Proclamation to the
World”?
The Proclamation on the family was shown to be very important for the families and
couples that I interviewed. It set a standard for gospel living, and helped the couples
settle on decisions such as what roles should be played in the home between husbands
and wives, and what needs to be prioritized in the family. My dad said that for him, it
helps validate all the time and money that he spends on our family, because it reminds
him that these family relationships are what will last the longest.

6. What is central to the success of a marriage or family?

The biggest takeaway that I learned from doing these interviews was that the thing
that’s central to the success of a marriage is commitment. The world today makes us
believe that what makes a relationship work is the amount of love that couples have for
each other, or finding someone whose personality clicks just right. But after hearing the
stories of these couples, I learned that everyone is different, and no one is perfect. It’s
not so much about who you love, but how much you love them. And the thing that is
central to that commitment that spouses have for each other is the gospel. For all four of
these couples, they said that the foundation of the gospel and their temple covenants
has been central to their successful marriage. As each couple grows their connection
with God, they in turn grow closer to each other.

Personal Application
1. What to look for in dating:
When going into dating, I can take the advice given from these interviews by making
sure I find someone with whom I can be compatible. Like my grandma Hibbert said, it is
important to find someone who is compatible practically, physically, and spiritually. I also
learned that having a strong friendship beforehand is very important for a strong
relationship to continue later on. For me, this means that I’ll have to take things slow to
allow that friendship to develop. Feelings of love and longing are sometimes unstable,
they come and go; but if you know you like them, that can keep you going when life gets
hard. I also learned that when dating, it’s important to see the person you’re getting to
know in a variety of roles and circumstances. Just going to the movies, for example,
doesn’t allow one’s character to show as well as going on a hike to see if they can hold
a long conversation, or playing board games to see how social they are or how well they
solve problems. It’s important to see the person I date when they’re angry, when they’re
sad, or when they’re spiritual. Eventually when I marry, I’ll have to be around my spouse
all the time and I’ll be dealing with the whole package, so it’s best not to have too many
surprises. A strong friendship beforehand is necessary, as well as a good sense of
humor. As I learned from my grandparents and parents, humor is very important to a
strong relationship, especially when life gets stressful. Humor is what makes life
enjoyable and it can make trials and challenges easier. My mom says that there have
been many times when she’s been stressed or overwhelmed, but was able to quickly
feel better because of a funny comment my dad made. When dating, I will make sure to
go on dates with lots of people to see how compatible I am with different personalities
and types, I will take things slow, I will look for someone who makes me laugh, and
someone with whom I am compatible practically, physically, and spiritually.

2. What I need to do personally

From talking to my grandma Hibbert especially, I learned that what I need to do right
now to prepare for a wonderful future marriage is to be my best self right now. I
shouldn’t obsess or overly stress about the future, because worrying often makes the
situation worse. I admired that my grandma Hibbert as well as my grandma Wride were
fully invested in their school work and college life, regardless of whether or not they
were in a relationship. Following their example, while here in college I will continue to
work hard and love what I’m studying, I will fully participate in my ward and I will
prioritize relationships with friends and family. I will set goals and make a plan for the
future, regardless of whether or not I get married. I will keep my mind open and be
available to go on dates and meet people, and if the day comes when I find the right
young man to date and marry, I will go for it and I’ll be completely committed. Another
important thing I learned was that I need to get rid of my lists and timetables. As much
as I want things to play out like I’ve always anticipated, I need to give that up and realize
that life will rarely go like I expect. I will leave it up to God and His timing. As I learned
from my grandma Hibbert, as long as my relationship between me and God is secure, I
don’t need to worry so much about the future. I know that everything is in His hands,
and as long as I’m following Him and doing what’s right, he won’t let me fail, even if that
means I don’t get married until the next life. Although I won’t be passive in seeking for
an eternal companion, I won’t worry about it, I’ll just do the best I can. Success in
marriage and dating is about being the right person, so if I’m in a good position and if
I’m healthy and happy and confident, the time will come when the right person will find
me.

3. What to do in marriage
As I learned from my grandpa Wride, one of the primary things to the success of a
marriage is commitment. Love and affection can come and go, but if both spouses are
firm in keeping the commitment that they made, they will make it. I also learned from the
interviews that marriage is something that takes a lot of work. It’s constant, everyday
acts of compromises, effort, and interest for the other person. A couple shouldn’t
assume after their marriage that their relationship is in a good place just because there
aren’t any major disagreements or conflicts. Each spouse should be constantly working
in the interest of the other person, making the marriage a priority above their careers,
schooling, or personal interests. I found it interesting what my grandma Wride said
about some divorced couples that she knew. When talking to them, they admitted to her
that they “could have tried harder.” My aunt and uncle Hibbert suggested that new
couples should go to couples therapy during their first few years of marriage. They said
that it was expensive and it took a lot of time, but it was worth it. Other couples also
emphasized the importance of going on dates regularly and spending time together,
even when it costs what seems like too much time or money. But in the end, what could
be more important than a strong and successful marriage? I’m deciding now that when I
marry, I will make sure that I am completely and whole-heartedly committed to both the
gospel and my marriage. I will make time for it, I will sacrifice for it, and I will focus on
the interest of my spouse more than my own.

4. What to prepare for in having a family

Lastly, from the interviews, I learned what things I can do to have a successful family. As
each couple said, the gospel must be a foundation of the home. The family
proclamation and the principles taught there, the scriptures, teachings from the prophets
and apostles, and the continuous personal revelation are needed for more success at
home. I learned from the interviews that not only marriage but having a family is a trying
thing; it requires a lot of resiliency and adaptation. Couples have to learn how to handle
disagreements, how to be open and be vulnerable, how to work and make
compromises. In my marriage, I will make sure that I am completely committed and I will
do everything I can to make it work, because I know that no success in the world can
compare to a successful and happy home. I have seen it in my home growing up, and I
know the difference that a strong, happy, and gospel-centered home can have on
children, as seen in me and in my siblings. Whenever I have children, I will prioritize
family scripture study, dinners, recreational activities, and other principles outlined in the
Family Proclamation to the world. I know that having a family and being committed to a
marriage relationship isn’t always easy, but it’s the difficulty and it’s the sacrifice that
makes it so special. It will be hard, but if done right, it will be more enjoyable and special
than anything I can now imagine. In the end, it will all be wonderful, so long as I cling to
my covenants, and try to follow the Savior.

Sharing Experience
I shared these things I learned with Austen Hunsaker from class, my roommates Grace Steed
and Hannah Christiansen, and my parents. It was great sharing these things I learned because I
was able to understand the concepts even better by doing so, and I was able to help them learn
more about how to have successful family and marriage relationships.

Grandma and Grandpa Wride

Best part: not being alone
the secret is commitment
forgiving of the others mistakes and shortcomings
it’s work
a good sense of humor
Divorced couple: “I could have tried harder”. Could have made it work
Learn the truth, commit to it, don’t let it change.
Any two people can make a marriage work, but they both have to be working at it.

Mom and Dad

Successful dating/marriage
A good sense of humor is essential, especially when things are stressful
It’s good to have a long courtship and a short engagement. Take it slow - if they had dated in
High school they wouldn’t be married.
The law of chastity and gospel principles are essential to a family
Best/hardest parts:
Dad: Marriage itself isn’t hard, it’s all the extra roommates, little time to be alone, smothered by
kids. Little time for a break
Mom: the best part is having children, sharing a life with them and Dad. “This is Corey Wride’s
kid!”
Learning and doing things together, biking up the canyon with Dad
Have a relationship outside of kids :)
Sacrifices/compromises
It’s a million small compromises, not so much one big thing you have to give up. The small
things add up.
Do the best you can in the day to day
Dad compromised by having lots of kids, Mom compromised by letting Dad travel
They are both committed to the marriage, so everything has to work with or around it.
Handle disagreements?
Whoever feels the strongest about it. They’re sensitive to each other's needs and wants and put
the interest of the other person above their own.
Kids are an amplifier
Proclamation: Justifies spending so much time and money into a family
Central to success: keeping your spouses needs and wants in the forefront of your mind

Grandma and Grandpa Hibbert

Success in dating/marriage
Grandma wanted to go to byu just to get married, but you need to have something to do,
something you’re passionate about. It’s practical, but it’s also more attractive for guys :)
If you get married, fine, if not, that’s ok too. Opportunities open up with a more chill and peaceful
attitude about life.
The most important relationship to have is with you and with the gospel. The rest will take care
of itself.
As long as your relationship with your heavenly father is where it should be, everything else you
shouldn’t worry about.
Don’t worry. “Fear not”
keep your connection with God and don’t worry about it
Make sure you’re compatible practically, socially, physically, and
Make sure you’re friends first. Love can come and go, but if you know you like them then it can
endure.
Live your best single life, be independent, don’t stress
Be friends and the right person will come along
You need to see future spouse in various roles and situations. Just going to movies all the time
won’t bring out their true light. Mad, frustrated, spiritual,
Must have a spiritual core. To make it work, both need a testimony.
Sacrifices:
They didn’t seem like that much. Grandpa had to sell a car
Once they married, they felt like they had been married for ages
Grandpa was easy to please, agreeable
When you fall in love, you’re so smitten, everything's just wonderful.
They didn’t quite follow their list they made: no G or H, has to dance, likes sports, etc. Later on
they realized that it wasn’t actually that important.
Didn’t have many disagreements
Success in marriage:
Have to have a connection. Don’t assume that your marriage is fine, make sure you can still do
things with just you two
Don’t let the marriage take a nose dive because of stresses or kids or careers.

Stephanie and Grant

They met in college (BYU, UVU set up by a mutual friend, Grants car got towed after and Steph
was impressed with his kindness and patience.
Best parts: not being alone, share life and witness together, dependent, constant,
If you both are committed, you can rely on that
matures from honeymoon (love with no experience) stage to more mature, more chances to
forgive, be forgiven, more life and experience. BEst goes from fanciful to real and cherished,
and enduring and fulfilling
worst: not alone always a second opinion, other ways of doing things, accepting things that
aren’t what you’re used to
Mutual foundation of covenants (most marriages don’t have)
Fortunate in our faith tha the have such an emphasis on marriage
Best and hardest: how much you grow, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, totally seen helps you
get over it a bit
appreciation for growth and humanity,
you have a better relationship/view of yourself when you’re vulnerable
loves even through the mess,
hardest is seeing the mess
Growth that comes

sacrifices/compromises
small things that people do differently (lights, laundry)
How you celebrate holidays, reunions, who’s family you interact with more,
Usually you spend more time with the woman’s side, husband spends more time with the
in-laws
handling disagreements:
take a walk, time away from each other
both sides do a little work separately
Journal, say a prayer,
calm down so you can have space to understand
Not really much tactical advice, openness is key
Create a language to communicate and navigate problems
Go to therapy together during the first 5 years. Takes time and money, but it’s worth it.
Excercise.
Athletic enduring marriage, takes time and investment
Why not go to a place to learn those things instead of relying on yourself
Make sacrifices for it to work
God may want you to use these resources.
Apostles and prophets don’t just wing it. They learn tactics and they invest.
Marriage is a skill.

How did it change with children in the picture?

Women: figuring out how to be not your own, hormones,
It may not feel natural
Children are an amplifier: triggers, problems, but also simple joys, redeeming qualities,
Hardest part of marriage for them, (college, masters, new jobs, kid,
Brought them together because they had to.
Couple: isolated, just you two. Kids: family unit, bigger group,
Normal things you love became more fun.
they don’t earn your love.
Don’t love someone because you need him to love you back.
Having children: give more freely and love more deeply
Responsible together for another human.
Collaboration and wholeness

Central to success
God as the priority (triangle: as you get closer to God, you naturally get closer to each other.)
IT cleans up so many things. You and me and the lord
less arguments, less selfish
Making sure you’re open and hones
Continue to invest in the relationship, don’t assume that it’s fine.
family proclamation: wholesome recreational activities. Founded upon th principles of the
gospel,
roles of men and women: not something that they have to argue abou
Advice?
Dont let guys push your boundaries. They must be honest, hold their word, respect you, your
body, opinion, time
Patience, loyalty, respectful, honest, reliable -> husband material
Actions speak louder than words
Balance work and play!
Dads who play with children
Continue to do the things you’re passionate about, God will lead you
Still enjoy life and pursue your patrons. Counsel with the Lord

Find someone who is compatible

Make sure you’re good friends first
See future spouse in a variety of roles
Physically attracted, Practically compatible, Spiritually compatible
See them in many different roles and lights
A good sense of humor is essential (now and later)
Take it slow
taking time alone,
both sides have to work separately to resolve their issues, and then come together later.
connecting to God, triangle

Physically attracted, Practically compatible, Spiritually compatible

Good friends first. Love comes and goes, but if you like them, that will carry through.
Lots of relationships don’t work out
You need to see future spouse in various roles

Live my best single life. Set goals, have a career in mind, if something better comes along,
great.
Don’t stress about it or become obsessed
Get rid of your lists and timetables.

It was very interesting