Twelfth Night - 30 Minute Cut

A
Thirty-Minute
Twelfth Night
Abridged by
Bill Tordoff
from
‘Twelfth Night, or What You Will’
by
William Shakespeare
(Cast Copy)
© 2009 by Bill Tordoff Page 28 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk
Malvolio: Madam, you have done me wrong! Peruse this:
You must not now deny it is your hand!
Tell me why you gave me lights of favour,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you,
To put on yellow stockings and to frown
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people.
A Thirty-Minute Why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d,
Kept in a dark house and made the most
Notorious geck and gull? Tell me why!
Twelfth Night Olivia: This is not my writing: ‘tis Maria’s hand.
Abridged by Bill Tordoff This practice hath most shrewdly past upon thee;
from But, when we know the grounds and authors of it,
“A Thirty-Minute Twelfth Night” Thou shalt be judge of thine own cause.
by William Shakespeare Fabian: Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
This edition © 2009 by Bill Tordoff Set this device, and Maria writ
The letter at Sir Toby’s great importance,
COPYRIGHT REGULATIONS
In recompense whereof he hath married her.
This sport may pluck on laughter than revenge.
Shakespeare’s plays are out of copyright, and his words may be performed Olivia: Alas, poor fool, how they have baffled thee!
without requiring permission or incurring a royalty. Thus there is no roy- Feste: (Mocking) ‘Some are born great, some achieve
alty fee for performing this text. greatness and some have greatness thrown upon them’.
However, this edition of the text is copyrighted. No part of this publication (Laughter and applause.)
may lawfully be transmitted, stored in a retrieval system, or reproduced in Malvolio: I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you! (Exit.)
any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, manu- Orsino: Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace.
script, typescript, recording, including video, or otherwise, without prior Soon shall there be a combination made
consent of Lazy Bee Scripts. Of our dear souls. Cesario, come
Photocopying of this script constitutes an infringement of copyright unless For so you shall be, while you are a man,
consent has been obtained from Lazy Bee Scripts and an appropriate fee has But when in other habits you are seen,
been paid. Orsino’s mistress and his fancy’s queen.
FAILURE TO ABIDE BY ALL THE ABOVE REGULATIONS, CONSTITUTES
AN INFRINGEMENT OF THE COPYRIGHT LAWS OF GREAT BRITAIN.
© 2009 by Bill Tordoff Page 2 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk © 2009 by Bill Tordoff Page 27 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk
(Enter Sebastian.)
Sebastian: I am sorry, madam, If I have hurt your kinsman,
But I had done it had it been my brother.
(Everyone is looking from Sebastian to Viola and back.)
Orsino: One face, one voice, one habit and two persons!
A Thirty-Minute
Sebastian: Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
Antonio: How have you made division of yourself?
Which is Sebastian?
Twelfth Night
Sebastian: I never had a brother. I had a sister, Abridged by Bill Tordoff from
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour’d –
What kin are you? What name? What parentage? ‘Twelfth Night, or What You Will’
Viola: Sebastian of Messaline was my father,
Such a Sebastian was my brother too. by William Shakespeare.
So he went suited to his watery tomb.
My father had a mole upon his brow.
Sebastian: So had mine. Characters
Viola: And died that day when Viola from her birth Sebastian: - a young gentleman
Had number’d thirteen years. Viola: - Sebastian’s twin sister
Sebastian: His life did finish that same very day. (Taking her Orsino: - Duke of Illyria
hands) Olivia: - a rich lady
Viola: I am Viola, which to confirm Sir Andrew Aguecheek: - a foolish knight
I’ll bring you to a captain in this town Malvolio: - steward to Olivia
By whose gentle help I was preserved. Fabian: - servant to Olivia
All the occurrence of my fortune since Feste: - Olivia’s fool
Hath been between this lady and this lord. Sir Toby Belch: - uncle to Olivia
Sebastian: (To Olivia) You would have been contracted to a Maria: - Olivia’s waiting-woman
maid! Antonio: - a sea captain, friend to Sebastian
Orsino: (To Viola) Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand Valentine: - a gentleman of Orsino’s
times A Sea Captain
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me. A Priest
Viola: And all these sayings will I over-swear. Two Officers of the law
Olivia: (To Orsino) Think of me as a sister, not a wife,
One day shall crown th’alliance in this house.
Orsino: Madam, I am most apt t’embrace this offer
(To Viola) Your master quits you; and, for service done,
Be you from henceforth your master’s mistress. Published by Lazy Bee Scripts
(Enter Fabian and Malvolio with a letter.)
Viola: After him I love.
A Thirty-Minute Twelfth Night Olivia: Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.
(Exit Feste.)
Scene 1 Orsino: (To Viola) Come away!
(A sea-coast. Sound of a storm. Enter Viola, exhausted, helped Olivia: Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay!
by a Captain.) Orsino: Husband!
Viola: What country, friend, is this? Olivia: Ay, husband: can he that deny?
Captain: This is Illyria, lady. Orsino: Her husband, sirrah?
Viola: (Distressed) And what should I do in Illyria? Viola: No, my lord, not I!
Perchance my brother is not drown’d. What think you? (Enter Feste and Priest.)
Captain: Assure yourself, after our ship did split, Olivia: Father, I charge thee here now to unfold
I did see your brother bind himself What lately passed between this youth and me.
To a strong mast. He held acquaintance Priest: A contract of eternal bond of love,
With the waves as long as I could see. Confirm’d by mutual joinder of your hands.
Viola: There’s gold. (Giving him money) Know’st thou Orsino: O thou dissembling cub! Direct thy feet
this country? Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
Captain: Ay, madam, for I was born and bred here. (Enter Sir Andrew with a bandaged head.)
Viola: Who governs here? Andrew: For the love of God, send a surgeon to Sir Toby!
Captain: Orsino, a noble duke, in nature and name. Olivia: What’s the matter?
Viola: Orsino! I have heard my father name him. Andrew: ‘Has broken my head across, and has given Sir
Captain: They say he seeks the love of fair Olivia. Toby a bloody coxcomb.
Viola: What’s she? Olivia: Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
Captain: The daughter of a count that died and left her Andrew: The count’s gentleman, Cesario: he’s the very
In the protection of her brother, devil. (Seeing Viola) Here he is! You broke my head!
Who shortly also died, for whose dear loss Viola: You drew your sword, but I hurt you not.
She hath abjured the company of men. Andrew: Here comes Sir Toby: if he had not been in drink
Viola: Oh, that I served that lady! he’d have tickled you!
Captain: That would be hard: she will admit no kind (Enter Feste with Sir Toby, wounded and drunk.)
Of suit. No, not even the duke’s. Orsino: How now, gentleman! How is’t with you?
Viola: I prithee, conceal me what I am. I’ll serve this Toby: ‘Has hurt me, and there’s the end on’t. Sot, didst
duke. see Dick surgeon?
Captain: You be his servant, and your mute I’ll be: Feste: O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby; his eyes were set at eight
When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see. (Exeunt.) i’ th’morning.
Toby: Then he’s a rogue: I hate a drunken rogue!
Olivia: Away with him! Who hath made this havoc?
Andrew: I’ll help you, Sir Toby.
Toby: (Scornful) You! An ass-head and a coxcomb and
a thin-faced knave, a gull?
(Exeunt Feste, Fabian, Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.)
Scene 15 Scene 2
(Before Olivia’s house. Enter Orsino and Viola, meeting Feste.) (Olivia’s house. Enter Maria and Sir Toby Belch, holding a
Orsino: Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friend? tankard.)
Feste: Ay, sir. Toby: What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
Orsino: Pray let your lady know I am here to speak with her brother thus?
her, Maria: Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights. My
Feste: I go, sir. (Exit.) lady Olivia takes great exception to your ill hours. This drinking
Viola: And here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me. will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a
(Enter Officers with Antonio.) foolish knight that you brought to be her wooer.
1st Officer: Orsino, this is that Antonio Toby: Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek? He has three
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy. thousand ducats a year.
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state, Maria: He’s a fool, and a great quarreller. ‘Tis thought
In private brabble did we apprehend him. that if he did not have the gift of cowardice he would quickly
Viola: He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side, have the gift of a grave.
But, in conclusion, put strange speech upon me. Toby: They are scoundrels that say so! (Drinking) Who
Orsino: Notable pirate! What foolish boldness are they?
Brought thee in terms so bloody and so dear? Maria: (Taking tankard) They add that he’s nightly
Antonio: That most ingrateful boy there by your side, drunk in your company!
From the rude sea’s enraged and stormy mouth Toby: With drinking healths to my niece: I’ll drink to her
Did I redeem; his life I gave him. as long as there is a passage in my throat.
I did defend him when he was beset. (Sir Andrew gives a high-pitched laugh offstage.)
Then he denied me my own purse, Toby: But here comes Sir Andrew Aguecheek.
Which I had giv’n him half an hour before. (Enter Sir Andrew Aguecheek. He embraces Toby.)
Orsino: When came he to this town? Andrew: How now, Sir Toby Belch?
Antonio: Today, my lord; and for three months before, Toby: Sweet Sir Andrew!
Did we keep company. Andrew: Bless you, fair shrew!
Orsino: Thy words are madness: Toby: (Nudging Andrew) Accost, Sir Andrew, accost!
Three months this youth hath tended upon me. Andrew: Good Mistress Accost…
(Enter Olivia and Feste.) Maria: My name is Mary, sir.
Olivia: What would my lord, but that he may not have? Andrew: Good Mistress Mary Accost…
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me. Toby: You mistake, knight; ‘accost’ is (nudging him)
Viola: My lord would speak; my duty hushes me. front her, woo her!
Olivia: If it be aught to the old tune, my lord, Andrew: Is that the meaning of accost?
It is to me as howling after music. Maria: Fare you well, gentlemen.
Orsino: Hear this: since I partly know the instrument Toby: If thou let her part so, might’st thou never draw
That screws me from the true place in your favour, sword again.
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye Andrew: Fair lady, (Taking her hand) do you think you
Where he sits crowned. Come you, boy, with me. have fools in hand?
Olivia: Where goes Cesario?
Maria: Ay, I have them at my fingers’ end. Now I let go Feste: (Singing) Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
your hand: I am barren. (Laughs and exits.) Tell me how thy lady does.
Toby: O knight: when did I see thee so put down? Malvolio: (Calling) Good fool, help me to a candle, and pen,
Andrew: (Depressed) I’ll ride home tomorrow. Your niece ink and paper.
will not be seen; or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me: Feste: Master Malvolio! How fell you besides your wits?
the count hard by woos her. Malvolio: I am as well in my wits as thou art. They send
Toby: She’ll none of the count: she’ll not match above her ministers to me, asses –
degree. I have heard her swear it. Tut, there’s life in it, man! Feste: Advise you what you say: the minister is here. (As
Andrew: (Leaping up) I’ll stay a month longer! I’m a Sir Topas) Malvolio, endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy
fellow of the strangest mind i’th’world. I delight in masks and vain bibble-babble.
revels! (Dancing) I can cut a caper, and I have the back-trick as Malvolio: Sir Topas, -
strong as any man in Illyria. (Demonstrating) Feste: (As Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good
Toby: (Clapping) Wherefore are these things hid? fellow. (As himself) Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God b’wi’you, Sir
Andrew: (Laughing delightedly) Shall we set about some Topas.
revels? Malvolio: Good fool, some ink and paper, and convey what I
Toby: What shall we do else? Let me see thee caper! set down to my lady!
(Andrew starts capering around.) Feste: I’ll help you to it.
Toby: (Clapping) Ha! Higher! Ha, ha! Excellent! Malvolio: I’ll requite thee! Be gone!
(Exeunt.) (Exit Feste.)
Scene 3 Scene 14
(Orsino’s palace. Enter Valentine and Viola in man’s attire.) (Olivia’s garden. Enter Sebastian, as in a trance, holding a pearl
Valentine: If the duke continues these favours to you, Cesario, pendant.)
you are like to be much advanced. Sebastian: This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
Viola: I thank you. Here he comes. This pearl she gave me, And though ‘tis wonder
(Enter Orsino.) That enwraps me thus, yet ‘tis not madness.
Orsino: Who saw Cesario? I sought Antonio at the Elephant;
Viola: On your attendance, my lord; here. They said he ranged the town to seek me out.
Orsino: Stand you aloof. But here the lady comes.
(Valentine bows and exits.) (Enter Olivia carrying a bouquet, and a Priest carrying a Bible.)
Orsino: Thou know’st all, Cesario; I have unclasped Olivia: Blame not this haste. Go with me now
To thee the book even of my secret soul. And with this holy man into the chantry.
Therefore, good youth, stand at her doors, And plight me the assurance of your faith.
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow What do you say?
Till thou have audience. Sebastian: I’ll go with you,
Viola: Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then? And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
Orsino: O, then unfold the passion of my love: Olivia: May heavens so shine
She will attend it better in thy youth. That they may fairly note this act of mine! (Exeunt.)
Viola: I think not so, my lord.
Olivia: Be not offended, dear Cesario Orsino: Dear lad, believe it;
I prithee, gentle friend, come to my house. For they shall yet belie thy happy years
Thou shalt not choose but go: do not deny. That say thou art a man: Diana’s lip
Sebastian: (To the audience) Am I mad? Or else is this a Is not more smooth (Touching her lip), thy voice small and
dream? shrill,
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep! And all is semblative a woman’s part.
Olivia: Nay, come, I prithee. (Taking his hand) Would’st Prosper in this, and call my fortunes thine.
thou be ruled by me? Viola: I’ll do my best. (Aside) Yet, a barful strife –
Sebastian: Madam, I will. Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife! (Exeunt.)
Olivia: Oh, say so, and so be! (Exeunt.)
Scene 4
Scene 13 (Olivia’s house. Enter Maria and Feste.)
(A cellar in Olivia’s house. Enter Feste, putting on curate’s Maria: My lady will hang thee for thy absence.
clothes, and Maria carrying a false beard.) Feste: (Smiling and putting his arm round her) If Sir
Maria: Put this on: make him believe that thou art Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s
Topas the curate. flesh as any in Illyria.
(Enter Sir Toby. He and Maria laugh at Feste.) Maria: (Pushing him off) Peace, you rogue, no more o’
Toby: Jove bless thee, master Parson. that. Here comes my lady.
Feste: (Parson’s voice) Bonos dies, Sir Toby. As the old (Exit Maria. Enter Olivia and Malvolio.)
hermit of Prague said “That that is, is,” so I am master Parson. Feste: God bless thee, lady!
Toby: To him, Sir Topas. Olivia: Take the fool away.
Feste: (Loud) What ho! Peace in this prison! Feste: Do you not hear? The lady bade take away the
Malvolio: Who calls? fool; therefore take her away.
Feste: Sir Topas, the curate, to visit Malvolio the lunatic. Olivia: Sir, I bade him take thee away.
Malvolio: Good Sir Topas, go to my lady! Feste: Madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
Feste: (‘Shocked’) Out, fiend! Talkest thou of nothing Olivia: (Smiling unwillingly) Make your proof.
but ladies? Feste: Why mourn’st thou?
Malvolio: Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have Olivia: For my brother’s death.
laid me in this place, dark as hell. Feste: I think his soul is in hell.
Feste: Madman, thou errest: there is no darkness but Olivia: (Indignant) I know his soul is in heaven!
ignorance. Feste: The more fool you, to mourn for your brother’s
Malvolio: I am no more mad than you are! soul in heaven.
Feste: Fare thee well: remain in darkness. Olivia: What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he
Malvolio: (Despairing) Sir Topas! Sir Topas! not mend?
(The three laugh.) Malvolio: (Sourly) Yes, infirmity doth ever make the better
Maria: Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and fool. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren
gown: he sees thee not. rascal.
Toby: Go to him in thine own voice. Come. Olivia: O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio: there is no
(Exeunt Sir Toby and Maria.) slander in an allow’d fool.
(Enter Maria.) Viola: I know of none, sir; nor know I you.
Maria: Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman Antonio: O heavens themselves! That youth that you see
desires to speak with you. here
Olivia: From the Count Orsino, is it? I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death!
Maria: I know not, madam: ‘tis a fair young man. 1st Officer: What’s that to us? The time goes by; away!
Olivia: Who of my people hold him in delay? Antonio: Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame!
Maria: Sir Toby, madam. (Exeunt Officers and Sebastian.)
Olivia: Fetch him off. Viola: He named Sebastian, and he went
(Exit Maria.) Still in this fashion, for him I imitate.
Olivia: Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I Methinks he believes himself. O, if it prove,
am sick, or not at home, or what you will. Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love! (Exit.)
(Malvolio bows and exits. Enter Sir Toby.) Toby: A very dishonest paltry boy and a most devout
Olivia: By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, coward.
cousin? Andrew: I’ll after him and beat him. (Exit.)
Toby: (Belching) A plague o’ these these pickle- Fabian: Come, let’s see the event. (Exeunt.)
herrings! ‘Tis a gentleman here.
Olivia: Ay, marry, what is he? Scene 12
Toby: I care not. Well, it’s all one. (Before Olivia’s house. Enter Sebastian, followed by Feste.)
(Exeunt Toby, helped by Feste. Enter Malvolio.) Sebastian: Thou art a foolish fellow: let me be clear of thee.
Malvolio: Madam, yon young fellow swears he will speak Feste: (Ironic) No, I do not know you; nor am I not sent
with you. I told him you were sick; he seems to understand so to you by my lady, nor your name is not Master Cesario,
much and therefore comes to speak with you: I told him you Sebastian: Vent thy folly somewhere else: thou know’st not
were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too. me!
Olivia: Tell him he shall not speak with me. (Enter Sir Andrew.)
Malvolio: He has been told so, and says he’ll stand at your Andrew: Now, sir, have I met with you again? There’s for
door like a sheriff’s post. you! (Striking Sebastian.)
Olivia: What kind o’ man is he? Sebastian: And there’s for thee, and there, and there!
Malvolio: Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough (Beating Sir Andrew)
for a boy. He is very well-favour’d, and he speaks very Are all the people mad?
shrewishly; one would think his mother’s milk were scarce out (Enter Sir Toby and Fabian.)
of him. Toby: Come, my young soldier, put up your iron!
Olivia: Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman. Sebastian: If thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.
Malvolio: (Calling) Gentlewoman, my lady calls. (Drawing)
(Exit Malvolio. Enter Maria.) Toby: What, what? (Drawing)
Olivia: Throw my veil o’er my face. We’ll hear once more (Enter Olivia)
Orsino’s embassy. Olivia: Hold, Toby! On thy life I charge thee, hold!
(Enter Viola.) Toby: (Shamefaced) Madam. (Sheathing his sword)
Viola: The lady of the house, which is she? Olivia: Will it be ever thus? Out of my sight!
Olivia: Speak to me; I shall answer for her. (Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian.)
Andrew: I’ll not meddle with him. (Going) Viola: (Reading from a paper) “Most radiant, exquisite
Toby: (Stopping him) He will not now be pacified. The and unmatchable beauty” I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of
fool can scarce hold him. the house: I would be loath to cast away my speech.
Andrew: Let him let the matter slip and I’ll give him my (Olivia and Maria laugh.)
horse. Viola: Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn.
Toby: Stand here; make a good show on’t. Olivia: Are you a comedian?
(Enter Fabian and Viola.) Viola: Are you the lady of the house?
Toby: (To Fabian) I have persuaded him the youth’s a Olivia: I am. Speak your office.
devil. Viola: It alone concerns your ear.
Fabian: Andrew pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at Olivia: Give us this place alone.
his heels. (Exit Maria.)
Toby: (To Viola) There is no remedy, sir. Draw: he Olivia: Now, sir, what is your text?
protests he will not hurt you. Viola: Madam, let me see your face.
Viola: God defend me! Olivia: (Unveiling) Look, sir: is’t not well done?
Toby: Come, Sir Andrew: he has promised he will not Viola: You are too proud, but you are fair. My lord and
hurt you. Come on, to’t! master loves you.
Viola: Pray God he keep his oath! (Drawing) Olivia: He knows my mind: I cannot love him.
Andrew: I do assure you, ‘tis against my will. (Drawing) He might have took his answer long ago.
(Sir Andrew and Viola make a few nervous passes at each other. Viola: If I did love you, in your denial
Enter Antonio, wearing a sword.) I would find no sense.
Antonio: Put up your sword. If this young gentleman Olivia: Why, what would you do?
Have done offence, I take the fault on me. Viola: Make me a willow cabin at your gate;
Toby: You, sir! What are you? Sing songs of love e’en in the dead of night.
Antonio: One that dares more than you have heard him brag. Holla your name to the reverberate hills.
Toby: If you be an undertaker, I’m for you. (Drawing) You should not rest, but you should pity me!
Fabian: Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers. Olivia: Go tell your lord to send no more.
Viola: (To Sir Andrew) Pray, sir, put up your sword. (Viola starts to go.)
Andrew: Marry, will I sir. Olivia: Unless, perchance, you come to me again.
(Enter Officers.) Viola: Farewell, fair cruelty. (Exit.)
1st Officer: This is the man. Olivia: (Taking off a ring and calling) Malvolio!
2nd Officer: Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino. (Enter Malvolio.)
Antonio: You do mistake me, sir Olivia: Run after that messenger; he left this ring.
1st Officer: No, sir. Take him away: I know him well. Desire him not to flatter his lord’s hopes. (Exeunt separately.)
Antonio: (To Viola) This comes with seeking you, but be of
comfort.
I must entreat you of some of that money.
Viola: What money, sir?
Antonio: Will you deny me now? Do not tempt me
To upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
Scene 5 Toby: (Reading) ‘If it be thy chance to kill me, thou
(The sea-coast. Enter Antonio and Sebastian.) kill’st me like a rogue and a villain. May God have mercy upon
Antonio: Sebastian, why will you not let me know whither one of our souls, but my hope is better. Thy friend and sworn
you are bound? enemy, Andrew Aguecheek’. If this letter move him not, his
Sebastian: I will bear my ills alone. You must know, Antonio: legs cannot.
my father left a sister and myself, both born in an hour. Though Maria: He is now with my lady, and will by and by depart.
it was said she much resembled me, she was accounted beautiful. Toby: Go, Sir Andrew: so soon as thou see’st him, draw;
An hour before you took me from the sea was she drowned. and, as thou draw’st, swear horrible, for a terrible oath gives
Antonio: Alas! Let me be your servant. manhood more approbation. Away!
Sebastian: Desire it not. I am bound to the Count Orsino’s Andrew: (Proudly) Nay, let me alone for swearing. (Exit.)
court: farewell. (Exit.) (The others laugh.)
Antonio: Come what may, I do adore thee so Toby: I will not deliver this, for the youth will find it
That danger shall seem sport, and I will go. (Exit.) comes from a clodpoll. I will deliver his challenge by word of
mouth and drive the youth into a hideous opinion of Andrew’s
skill, fury and impetuosity. This will fright them both.
Scene 6 Fabian: Here he comes with your niece.
(A street. Enter Viola, Malvolio following.)
(Exit Maria. Enter Viola, wearing a sword.)
Malvolio: The Countess Olivia returns this ring and adds that
Toby: Gentleman, God save thee!
you should tell your lord that she will none of him. One thing
Viola: And you, sir.
more: that you never come again in his affairs, unless to report
Toby: What nature the wrongs are, that thou hast done
his taking of this.
him I know not, but thy assailant attends thee at the orchard end.
Viola: She took no ring of me; - I’ll none of it. (Pointing) He is quick, skilful and deadly.
Malvolio: Her will is it should be returned. (Throwing it
Viola: You mistake: I am sure no man hath any quarrel to
down.) There it lies. (Exit.)
me.
Viola: I left no ring with her: what means this lady?
Toby: You’ll find it otherwise; he is a devil in private
(Picking it up, laughing in disbelief) She loves me, sure:
brawl. His satisfaction can be none but death.
’twere better love a dream.
Viola: I will return to the house; I am no fighter. I have
My master loves her, and I in love with him,
heard of men who put quarrels purposely on others.
And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
Toby: Sir, no; his indignation derives from a competent
Oh, Time, thou must untangle this, not I:
injury: therefore get you on and give him his desire.
It is too hard a knot for me t’untie! (Exit.)
Viola: Pray, do me this courteous office, as to know of
him what my offence is.
Scene 7 Toby: I will do so. (Exit.)
(Olivia’s house. Night. Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew, half- Viola: I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
drunk.) Fabian: He is the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite in
Toby: Approach, Sir Andrew: Does not our life consist of Illyria. I will make your peace with him, if I can. Come.
the four elements? (Exeunt Viola and Fabian. Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew,
Andrew: I think it consists of eating and drinking. wearing swords.)
Toby: Let us therefore eat and drink. (Calling) Marian! Toby: Why, man, he’s a very devil. I had a pass with him
A stoup of wine! with the rapier; he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground.
Toby: Here he is. How is’t with you, man? (Enter Feste.)
Malvolio: (Haughty) Go off, I discard you. Toby: Welcome, ass. Shall we rouse the night-owl in a
Maria: How the fiend speaks within him! My lady prays catch?
you to have a care of him. Andrew: Let our catch be “Thou knave”. Begin, fool. It
Malvolio: (Smug) Ah, ha, does she so? begins “Hold thy peace”
Toby: (As to a simpleton) How is’t with you, Malvolio? Feste: (Giggling) I shall never begin, if I hold my peace.
What, man, defy the devil. (They all laugh uproariously.)
Malvolio: Do you know what you say? Andrew: Come, begin.
Maria: Pray God, he be not bewitch’d. (They bawl the round. Maria hurries in.)
Malvolio: (Haughty) How now, mistress! Maria: What a caterwauling! My lady has call’d up
Maria: (Pretending to be scared) O Lord! Malvolio and bid him turn you out!
Toby: This is not the way: do you not see how you move Toby: Malvolio’s a Peg-a-Ramsey! (Singing, loud) ‘O,
him? the twelfth day of December!’
Fabian: No way but gentleness: gently, gently. Maria: For the love o’ God, peace!
Toby: Let me alone with him. (To Malvolio) How now, (Enter Malvolio in nightgown and nightcap.)
bawcock; How now, chuck? Malvolio: My masters, are you mad, to gabble like tinkers at
Maria: Get him to say his prayers, Sir Toby. this time of night? Have you no respect of place, persons or
Malvolio: Go, hang yourselves all! You are idle, shallow time?
things: I am not of your element: you shall know more hereafter! Toby: We did keep time, sir, in our catch. Sneck up!
(Exit.) (The three giggle together.)
(The three burst into laughter.) Malvolio: Sir Toby, my lady bade me tell you that if you can
Toby: Is’t possible? separate yourself from your misdemeanours, you are welcome.
Fabian: If this were play’d upon a stage, I should condemn If not, she is very willing to bid you farewell.
it as an improbable fiction. Toby: (Poking him) Art any more than a steward? Dost
Maria: Pursue him now, lest the device taint. thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more
Fabian: Why, we shall make him mad indeed. cakes and ale? A stoup of wine, Maria!
Toby: We’ll have him bound in a dark room. My niece Malvolio: Mistress Mary, you should not give means for this
already believes he’s mad. uncivil rule! She shall know of it! (Exit.)
Fabian: (Pointing off) But see: more matter for a May Maria: (Calling) Go shake your ears!
morning. Andrew: I’ll challenge him!
(Enter Sir Andrew with a letter.) Maria: Be patient: I know I can gull him.
Andrew: Here’s the challenge. (Proudly) Read it! Toby: Tell us.
Toby: (Reading, expressionless) ‘Youth, thou art a Maria: He thinks that all who look on him, love him, and
scurvy fellow. Wonder not why I do call thee so, for I will show on that will I work my revenge. I’ll drop in his way epistles of
thee no reason for’t. Thou comest to the Lady Olivia and she love, where he shall find himself personated. I can write very
uses thee kindly, but that is not the matter I challenge thee for’. like my lady.
Fabian: Very brief, and to exceeding good sense – less. Toby: He shall think, by the letters that thou shalt drop,
that they come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him.
Andrew: O, ‘twill be admirable!
Maria: I will plant you where he shall find the letter: (Enter Malvolio.)
observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed. (Exit.) Olivia: How now, Malvolio.
Toby: Come, we’ll go burn some sack. ‘Tis too late to go Malvolio: Sweet lady, ho, ho. (Smiling fantastically)
to bed. (Exeunt.) Olivia: Smilest thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
Scene 8 Malvolio: I could be sad. (Fidgeting with his garters) This
(Orsino’s palace. Enter Orsino and Viola. Soft music.) cross-gartering doth make some obstruction in the blood, but
Orsino: Come hither, boy. How dost thou like this tune? what of that?
Viola: It gives a very echo to the seat where love is Olivia: Why, man, what is the matter with thee?
thron’d. Malvolio: It did come to his hands, and commands shall be
Orsino: My life on’t, thine eye hath stayed upon executed. I think we know the sweet Roman hand. (Winking
Some favour that it loves. Hath it not, boy? knowingly)
Viola: A little, by your favour. Olivia: (Alarmed) Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
Orsino: What kind of woman is it? Malvolio: To bed! Ay, sweetheart, and I’ll come to thee!
Viola: Of your complexion. (Leering)
Orsino: She is not worth thee, then. What years, i’ faith? Olivia: (Retreating) Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy
Viola: About your years, my lord. hand so oft?
Orsino: Too old, by heaven! Malvolio: ‘Be not afraid of greatness’ – ‘twas well writ.
Still let thy love be younger than thyself, Olivia: What mean’st thou by that?
For women are as roses, whose fair flower Malvolio: ‘Some are born great; some achieve greatness, and
Being once display’d, doth fall that very hour. some have greatness thrust upon them’. (Leaping)
Viola: And so they are. Olivia: (Terrified) Heaven restore thee!
(The music stops.) Malvolio: ‘Remember who wished to see thee cross-garter’d
Orsino: Once more, Cesario, and commended thy yellow stockings’. (Revealing his
Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty. stockings)
Viola: But if she cannot love you, sir? Olivia: This is very midsummer madness!
Orsino: I cannot be so answered. (Enter Maria.)
Viola: Sooth, but you must. Maria: Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino
Say that some lady – as, perhaps, there is - is return’d.
Hath for your love as great a pang of heart Olivia: I’ll come to him. Let this fellow be look’d to.
As you have for Olivia - Where’s Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of
Orsino: Make no compare him.
Between that love a woman can bear me (Exeunt Olivia and Maria.)
And that I owe Olivia. Malvolio: (Smugly) She sends for Toby on purpose, that I
Viola: My father had a daughter loved a man – may appear stubborn to him, for she incites me to that in the
Orsino: And what’s her history? letter. And when she went away now, ‘Let this fellow be look’d
Viola: She never told her love, to’. – not ‘Malvolio’ but ‘fellow’. Nothing can come between
But sat like Patience on a monument, me and my hopes. Jove is the doer of this, and he is to be
Smiling at grief. Was not this not love indeed? thanked. (He looks to heaven.)
(Enter Maria with Sir Toby and Fabian.)
Maria: (Laughing) If you will laugh yourself into Orsino: But died thy sister of her love, dear boy?
stitches, follow me. (Pointing) Malvolio is in yellow stockings, Viola: I am all the daughters of my father’s house,
and villainously cross-garter’d. He does obey every point of the And all the brothers too. Shall I to this lady?
letter; he smiles his face into more lines than the new map of the Orsino: To her in haste; give her this jewel: say
Indies. If my lady strike him, he’ll smile and take’t for a great My love can give no place, bide no denay. (Exeunt.)
favour.
Toby: Come, bring us where he is. (Exeunt.) Scene 9
(Olivia’s garden. Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian,
Scene 10 followed by Maria.)
(A street. Enter Sebastian and Antonio.) Maria: Malvolio’s coming down this walk: he has been
Antonio: Sebastian, I could not stay behind you. practising behaviour to his own shadow. Close!
I fear what might befall you in these parts, (The others hide as Maria throws down a letter.)
Which, to a stranger, often prove rough. Maria: Lie thou there, for here he comes. (Exit.)
Sebastian: I can no other answer make but thanks. (Enter Malvolio.)
Shall we go view the reliques of this town? Malvolio: Maria told me that my lady did affect me, and I
Antonio: I do not without danger walk these streets: have heard herself say that should she fancy, it would be one of
Once, in a sea-fight, against the count his galleys, my complexion. To be Count Malvolio! Sitting in my velvet
I did some service. If caught, I shall pay dear. gown, having come from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia
Sebastian: Do not, then, walk too open. sleeping, to ask for my kinsman, Toby –
Antonio: In the south suburbs, at the Elephant, Toby: (Moving out) Bolts and shackles!
Is best to lodge: there shall you have me. Fabian: (Pulling him back) Peace, peace! Now, now!
Hold, here’s my purse: haply your eye Malvolio: Seven of my people start out for him. I frown and
Shall light upon some toy. wind up my watch or play with some rich jewel. Toby
Sebastian: I’ll be your purse-bearer, and leave you for approaches and court’sies to me. I extend my hand thus, saying
An hour. ‘Cousin Toby, you must amend your drunkenness’.
Antonio: To th’Elephant! Toby: Out, scab!
(Exeunt separately.) Fabian: (Restraining him) Patience!
Malvolio: ‘Besides, you waste your time with a foolish
Scene 11 knight’ -
(Olivia’s garden. Enter Olivia, looking depressed, and Maria.) Andrew: (Proud) That’s me!
Olivia: Where is Malvolio? – He is sad and civil. Malvolio: One Sir Andrew –
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes. Andrew: (Smiling) I knew ‘twas I, for many do call me
Maria: He’s coming, madam, but he does nothing but fool.
smile. Your ladyship were best to have some guard about you,
for, sure, the man is possess’d.
Olivia: Go call him hither.
(Exit Maria.)
Olivia: I am as mad as he
If sad and merry madness equal be.
Malvolio: What have we here? (Taking up the letter.) This Olivia: (Still holding her hand) I bade you never speak of
is my lady’s hand! (Reading) ‘To the unknown beloved’. To him again.
whom should this be? (Reading) ‘I may command where I After your last enchantment, I did send
adore. M, O, A, I doth sway my life’. Let me see. ‘I may A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse
command where I adore’. Why, she may command me: I serve Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you. (Pleading)
her! If I could make this resemble something in me. M. O. A. Viola: I pity you.
I. M - why, that begins my name! M, O, A, I. Every one of Olivia: (Forcing a smile) Why then, ‘tis time to smile
these letters are in my name! (Reading) ‘If this falls into thy again!
hand, revolve’. Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you.
(He turns full circle; the watchers rapidly hide.) Viola: Then westward-ho! Grace attend your ladyship.
Malvolio: ‘Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, (Going)
some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon Olivia: Stay! I prithee, tell me what thou think’st of me.
them. Be opposite with a kinsman: she thus advises thee that Viola: That you do think you are not what you are.
sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow Olivia: If I think so, I think the same of you.
stockings, and wish’d to see thee ever cross-garter’d. Farewell. Viola: Then think you right: I am not what I am.
The Fortunate-Unhappy’. I will be proud! I will baffle Sir Olivia: (Grasping her hand) Cesario, I love thee!
Toby. Every reason excites me to this: that my lady loves me. Maugre all thy pride,
She did commend my yellow stockings, she did praise my leg Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide. (Kissing Viola’s hand)
being cross-garter’d. I will be strange, in yellow stockings and Viola: (Pulling away) By innocence I swear, and by my
cross-garter’d. Here is a postscript. (Reading) ‘In my presence, youth,
still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee’. (Looking up) Jove, I I have one heart, one bosom and one truth.
thank thee – I will smile; I will do everything that thou wilt have And that no woman has. Never more
me do. (Exit.) Will I my master’s tears to you deplore. (Exit.)
(Enter Maria. They all laugh delightedly.) Olivia: (Following) Yet come again! (Exit.)
Toby: (Embracing her) Thou hast put him in such a (Enter Sir Andrew followed by Sir Toby and Fabian.)
dream that, when the image of it leaves him, he must run mad. Andrew: I’ll not stay a jot longer! (Pointing after Olivia) I
Maria: Mark his first approach to my lady; he will come in saw your niece do more favours to the count’s serving-man than
yellow stockings, a colour she abhors, and cross-garter’d, a she ever bestow’d upon me.
fashion she detests, and he will smile upon her, which will turn Toby: Did she see thee, old boy?
him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me. Andrew: As plain as I see thee.
(Exeunt.) Toby: (Coaxing) She did show favour to him in your
(Enter Olivia, thoughtful, followed by Viola.) sight only to put fire in your heart. Challenge the youth to fight:
Viola: (Bowing) My duty, madam, and most humble nothing can more prevail with woman than valour.
service. Fabian: There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
Olivia: (Smiling) Give me your hand, sir. What is your Andrew: Will either of you bear a challenge to him?
name? Toby: Go, write it!
Viola: Cesario is your servant’s name, princess. (Exit Sir Andrew. Enter Maria.)
Olivia: My servant? You’re servant to Orsino.
Viola: I come to whet your thoughts on his behalf.

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