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80 Hilariously Funny
Jokes to Make Your
Friends and Family
Laugh
Just try to keep a straight face at these one-
liners.

BY J I L L G L E E S O N U P DAT E D : J U L 2 8 , 2 02 2

SAVE ARTICLE

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Need a laugh? We found the funniest jokes

around to tell all of your friends and family.
You'll be sure to brighten someones day when
you unleash a hilarious joke when they least
expect it. And you don't have to worry about
these being clean: All of our favorite jokes are
fit for kids and adults. In addition to the 70
jokes below, we've also got dad jokes, jokes for
kiddos, mom jokes, and jokes for holidays that
you can share them with the youngest person
in the room (be sure to bookmark our April
Fool's jokes for next year!)

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Get ready: Some of what's to come is quite

punny. Some might even make your eyes roll.
But, deep down, if we are honest, who doesn't
smile at corny jokes? Others might even make
you laugh so hard you cry, so don't say we
didn't warn you. Many are one-liners so you
can remember them to share and share again,
and your kids can retell them to their friends
too, maybe even years later. Now get ready to
make some memories filled with laughter with
these 70 hilariously funny jokes!

What falls, but never needs a bandage? The

rain.

I was going to tell you a joke about boxing

but I forgot the punch line.

I'm not a fan of spring cleaning. Let's be

honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter
cleaning either.

Why did the egg hide? It was a little

chicken.

What did the dirt say to the rain? If you

keep this up, my name will be mud!

Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It

lost its petals.

What's an egg's favorite vacation spot? New

Yolk City.

I ate a sock yesterday. It was very time-

consuming.

What kind of candy do astronauts like?

Mars bars.

I wanted to buy some camo pants but

couldn't find any.

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Morsa Images

I ordered a chicken and an egg from

Amazon. I'll let you know.

What month is the shortest of the year?

May, it only has three letters.

What did the snail who was riding on the

turtle's back say? Wheeeee!

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but

you guys didn't like it.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch

potato.

I used to run a dating service for chickens,

but I was struggling to make hens meet.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"

Because every play has a cast.

What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.

What do you call it when a snowman

throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex.

They're his watch dogs.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side

was cut off? He's all right now.

How do you open a banana? With a mon-

key.

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MoMo Productions

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because

you can catch cold.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me.

Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they

don't peel.

My wife told me to stop acting like a

flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A

pork chop.

Where does Batman go to the bathroom?

The batroom.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little horse.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

What did the mama tomato say to the baby

tomato? Catch up!

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

What do you call a fake noodle? An

impasta.

How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a

hambulance.

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my

eyes closed!

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because he had a great fall.

What happens when a strawberry gets run

over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

Why did the cow jump over the moon? The

farmer had cold hands.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is

the bar tender here?"

How does an octopus go into battle? Well-

armed.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-

chin teller.

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Klaus Vedfelt

What do you get when you mix a cocker

spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-
poodle boo.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have

many fans.

What does a pickle say when he wants to

play cards? "Dill me in!"

How much money does a pirate pay for

corn? A buccaneer.

Where do young trees go to learn?

Elementree school.

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they

use a honeycomb.

How did the student feel when he learned

about electricity? Totally shocked.

What do you call a bee that can't make up

its mind? A Maybe.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do

May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi.

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was a-salted.

How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By

the bark.

What did the buffalo say when his kid went

to college? Bison.

What did the mayonnaise say when the

refrigerator door was opened? Close the
door, I'm dressing.

What's the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.

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Westend61

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet

you at the corner.

Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they

taste funny.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender

says, "Why the long face?"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

What's black and white and goes round and

round? A penguin in the washing machine.

How do you organize a space party? You

planet.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well,

I'm not going to spread it.

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because his teacher told him it was a piece
of cake.

What did one hat say to the other? You wait

here, I'll go on ahead.

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his

car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept

getting larger. Then it hit me.

What do you call a boomerang that won’t

come back? A stick.

What did the full glass say to the empty

glass? You look drunk.

How do you stop a bull from charging?

Cancel its credit card.

Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

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Sabrina Bracher

What’s the difference between a hippo and

a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s
a little lighter.

Did you hear the one about the roof? Never

mind, it's over your head.

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew

on me.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da

brie was everywhere.

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?

Sneakers.

What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-

ant.

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why was the coach yelling at the vending

machine? He wanted his quarter back.

JILL GLEESON

Jill Gleeson is a travel journalist and memoirist based in the

Appalachian Mountains of western Pennsylvania who has
written for websites and publications including Good
Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Country Living, Washingtonian,
Gothamist, Canadian Traveller, and EDGE Media Network. Jill
is the travel editor for Enchanted Living. Learn more about her
journey at gleesonreboots.com.

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