McRonald’s Burger-Clownery©

Employee Handbook
(Legally Binding and Compulsory)

CONSTANTLY UNDER REVISION

 McRonald’s Burger-Clownery© is a business founded upon the principle
that customers should not have to choose their own choices, but instead,
have the opportunity to have their choices forced upon them.
Our approach to customer service is aggressively welcoming, and we treat every
interaction we have with the customers we meet as if it is a life-and-death situation. We do this
because most customers will die without our burgers. If not because of starvation, then because
we will immediately un-alive them for disrespecting the brand.

That’s just good customer service.

McRonald’s© is a state-of-the-art fusion of human resource development,

fast-food service, and a military that rivals First-World Nations.
Whether it be our patented approach to recruiting and employment (read: indoctrination),
our world-renowned dishes that have been displayed in dumpsters behind Five-Star Restaurants,
or our antique (read: dilapidated and leaky) McArmada, we are prepared for any breakfast, lunch,
or dinner rush that the seas have to offer.

McRonald’s© is a reasonable and normal response to a rampant and

pervasive problem in the fast-food, HR, and Burger-Pirate-based Military
industry.
The problem is that this industry does not exist. As such, our only competition is
ourselves. At first glance, this is great news! We have a very particular niche that no other brand
can occupy! Unfortunately, the Captain is his own worst enemy, and is often a destructive force to
be reckoned with.

We exist to spite God.

We said what we said.
 Company Leadership
Captain Donald McRonald
Captain, Motivational Speaker, NOT currently
on the FBI’s Most Wanted List

McGround:
(Pronounced Mac-Ground)

Captain Donald McRonald was one of the following:

- Forged in the Great Fryer™ of the Big Bang as the

harbinger of all things Burger and Pirate
- A homeless atheist with a god complex who doesn’t
believe in how much he believes in himself
- An understudy for 90s boy band 98 Degrees
- Something else

Banned from all Hobby Lobby locations within the

Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Likes: Burgers, Clowns, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman

Dislikes: Insubordination, Excessive Questions, Repeating Himself, Repeating Himself

Han Burgurgular
Recipe Thief In Chief (RTIC)

McGround:
Han Burgurgular met the founder at a KE$HA concert,
although he was there for Cher. He impressed Donald by
stealing the TV remote in his back pocket, offering him a job
as his Recipe Thief In Chief. Together, they would steal, cook
and sell many groundbreaking menu items, forming the most
functional dysfunctional duo on the Sea of Thieves.

Likes: Fishing, Robbing, Cooking, laughing at comments below

‘Epic Motivational Alpha Male Music’ videos on YouTube.
Dislikes: When he get his feelies hurt 🙁
 McExpectations©!
What does the Captain expect from you?

1. A customer-centered mindset
At McRonald’s, we pride ourselves on our ability to force our way into the
hearts of our customers. Members of the Quarter Pounder Crew know
that the best way to retain a steady stream of repeat customers is by not
giving them any other options. At our heart, we are passive Burger
Clowns with the capability to embrace extreme violence.

2. A fluid moral compass

Burger-Clownery can be a dirty business that requires you to

think on your feet, and as a result, you may be forced to make an
undesirable judgment call. Rest assured though, Captain Donald
McRonald will be making most of your choices for you, unless
things go wrong, in which case you will be blamed and flogged
publicly.

3. A BMI that is either too low or too high

When the company was started, Donald McRonald

set himself an obesity quota. In order to meet that
quota, he had to balance out his own immense girth.
This has developed into an incredibly hard to
maintain balancing act, and if he were to ever
employ someone of average BMI, the quota would
lose its balance.
4. A current rabies vaccine

We have a substantial rat contingency, as they make

up 45 percent of the kitchen staff after the Captain
saw Ratatouille in theaters.

Rats are not required to have a vaccine due to their

community-wide religious exemption.

5. A nut allergy, or a willingness to acquire a nut

allergy on-demand

There may come a time where you find yourself

behind enemy lines, and as cyanide capsules are
inherently expensive and not covered under the
medical insurance that we do not offer, a nut
allergy is advantageous for escaping the mortal
coil and avoiding giving up company secrets.

6. Complete and Utter Obedience

Your Captain expects the world from you, and

will give you back the world in return. Keep in
mind that he will NEVER ask you to do anything
that he would not not do himself. This includes
but is not limited to: Literally anything all of the
time, shut up.
 Offenses & Punishments!
Learn what not to do, and what will happen to you (and possibly your extended family) if you do
not heed our warnings!

NOTE: The following lists are not exhaustive, but I am exhausted with writing it.
 Visual Identity!
Did you know that our logo was first conceived on the back of a napkin by Captain Donald
McRonald himself?

While this is obviously perfect, Han Burgurgalur knew that the Captain’s genius was simply too
complicated for the general public to accept. He took the original drawings as inspiration, and
turned it into the logo we use today.
 DONALD WANTS YOU!
(to get into uniform)

Donald McRonald has created a world-class aesthetic (you can and should thank him as often as
possible), and has a strict zero-tolerance uniform policy in place to avoid the risk of Burger King
Spies infiltrating our operation.
 The McMenu©

Look at our menu, complete with taste profiles and prep suggestions!

Pig Mac: - Deliciously marbled pet meat, seared and fed to its very own caretaker!

Maclodon: - Thicc fish meat, fried until golden brown. Warning, the only serving size is 13 pounds.

McKraken: - Think Medusa, but more Hentai. Meat is rather gamey, so it is usually best prepared
immediately after receipt.

Classic McMeatball: Packed with savory pellets, and loaded to the brim with nutrients like Iron,
Thermite, Gunpowder, and the daily recommended dose of Steel.

Spicy McMeatball: - Comes prepackaged from the distributor. All you need to do is hand-deliver
it at full-speed to the customer.

Keg McMuffin: - Loaded with explosive flavor! This recipe is a little finicky though, and can have
unintended consequences for an inexperienced or impatient chef.

Snake Rings: - You will be envenomated. There is no alternative.

Loaded Chicken Clumps: - Miscellaneous chicken parts molded into the shape of a drumstick for
appearance’s sake and nothing else. Cook it however you want. Salmonella is an invention of the
millennials.

Fruit a-la carte: - I don’t know what to tell you. You can just eat the fruit.

Jeff: - He was the best of all of us. Now he is just a juicy little fish morsel. The brighter the flame,
the shorter the wick, and coincidentally, the better the taste.
 The McTionary
- Privacy Apparatus™: Included with every employee’s starter package is a small,
horn-shaped instrument known to some as the “Speaking Trumpet” Privacy Apparatus™.
When using the Privacy Apparatus™, nobody can hear you other than those you wish to
speak to. To make it work, hold the small end against your mouth, and the large end
toward the intended conversee.
- Ceremonial Hairpiece™: Stretching back generations, the McRonald family have adorned
the classic hairstyle ‘Big Afro’. Donald recognised early into his career that not everyone
was blessed with his pasty white skin, luscious red hair and ability to grow an afro, so he
designed the Ceremonial Hairpiece to help them achieve the appearance of gods as he
was blessed with.

Our Social Medias!

Visit our corporate pages, and join our LinkedIn company as an employee!

https://www.youtube.com/@OphieIRL
https://www.twitch.tv/OphieIRL
https://www.linkedin.com/in/donald-mcronald-7b78b9278/