PT 5 - Self-knowledge:

Giftedness and Brokenness

Klinx Jairah E. Dimaranan

12 - Diamond
reminder.

fam·i·ly
a/ˈfam(ə)lē/
noun

life's greatest blessing. a group that dreams,

laughs, plays and loves together, those whom
you can always count on always present not only
in the good times, the most precious gift.
I encountered a range of emotions growing up in a broken home,
including confusion, sadness, rage, and at times even guilt. The basis of
trust and security that one expects from a family is altered by the
absence of one parent or the strains brought on by ongoing conflicts.
Despite growing up with a stable family with my grandparents and
mother, there is still a part of me that wonders what it feels like to have
a present father. Especially seeing a father-daughter bond, their father
being protected to them, them receiving princess treatment, etc.. I also
felt guilty as I was envious of the other kids. I was guilty of looking for a
presence I always knew would never come. I was ashamed of feeling
jealous, especially when I knew that my mom experienced all the
hardships just to give me a stable life. At a young age, I quickly
understood that my family wasn't like the others. I remember when I was
in elementary school, family trees were often given as our assignments.
As a kid I was confused, scared, and sad back then. I did not know how to
tell my teacher and classmates and I was afraid the other kids would
bully me. Because I was afraid of all the possible outcomes, I just told
them I had not met my father since he died a very long time ago. All
throughout my childhood, whenever someone asks me about my father I
would just simply tell them that he's dead since it is easier that way. It
may sound unpleasant to tell people that, yet I did not feel any slight
guilt as he was physically, mentally, financially absent my whole life so
basically he’s really dead to me. I met him once because my mom
wanted me to meet him. I was 6 years old at that time and it was the first
time he saw me since I was born and the first thing that he said to me
was “Kamukhang kamukha mo si Alyanna, nak” Alyanna is my half sister.
When I remember that occurrence in my life, it makes me angry and sad
as to who is sane enough to start a conversation with his first born
daughter that way after ghosting me my whole life. While growing up,
the stories of my mom and how ignorant my father was quickly fitted
into pieces. Back then, I did not feel anything at him as I did not know
him but when I reached my teenage years, all I felt was anger and rage
towards him as I knew my mother did not deserve all that I did not
deserve to grow up feeling abandoned by my own father. Since I was just
an accident, all her dreams were delayed, she had to go through a lot,
she had to learn how to raise me while she’s also just beginning to
mature. I can not fully state that I have healed from this brokenness but I
am always wishing that in another life, my mother did not meet my
father, that she reaches all her goals and dreams. Additionally, I've
realized the importance of support systems beyond the traditional family
structure. Friends, teachers, or other family members have provided a
semblance of stability and guidance during overwhelming times. Their
presence has been instrumental in filling the void and offering
perspectives that helped in navigating through difficult situations. In
addition, growing up in a broken home has influenced my own goals and
perspectives on relationships and family life. I'm now determined to
encourage better understanding, communication, and resilience in my
relationships heading forward. In conclusion, the narrative of a broken
family is one of resilience, adaptability, and an opportunity for personal
development. It has shaped my views, values, and goals in life. Important
life lessons that have shaped my path of perseverance