Direct Core Relationships

July 9, 2023

Have you thought much about the core relationships you’d

like to cultivate with life, such as your relationships with
work, people, physical reality, your body, government,
creativity, entertainment, time, food, intimacy, home, etc?

You surely have many specific instances of these relationships

showing up in your life, such as a particular job or family
member. But have you ever stepped back from the specifics
to make some high-level decisions about the purest forms of
these relationships that you want to experience? There’s
tremendous power in doing this since it helps you elevate
your standards, define boundaries, sculpt your character, and
make wiser decisions.

Remember this: You won’t necessarily get what you want;

you’ll get what you tolerate.

If you want to experience your desires, stop tolerating less

than your desires. Don’t be so easily seduced by partial
matches.
Repeatedly engaging with whatever shows up in your life and
making decisions based on the menu that life presents you,
however randomly, can eventually lead to a semi-chaotic
mess. You may end up with a job that’s so-so, work that lacks
purpose, a place to live that’s just okay, a romantic
relationship that sometimes works but is mostly stringing you
along, a body you wish would be better, and so on. Ordering
off the limited standard menu is a surefire pathway to the
land of partial matches.

Consider the difference between these three options:

1. Go to a typical restaurant, and make the best choice

you can by ordering off the menu.
2. Pre-decide what type of meal (from anywhere) would
please you most, and then either make it yourself or go
to the restaurant where you expect to find that meal.
3. Reflect and decide what kind of high-level
relationships you want to have with food, dining, and
your body; then determine which meals would most
honor those relationships and where you can find
those meals.

In the first case you’re more likely to receive a partial match

or a mismatch. In the second case, you’re being more
proactive about clarifying what a match looks like and where
you can expect to find it. In the third case, you’re assuming
even more responsibility by reflecting upon the big picture
and how you can honor your most consciously chosen
standards.

The third case let’s you channel more power and make lower
level decisions that you might not otherwise consider. For
instance, you might move to a different part of town to be
closer to the healthiest food options. Or move to a city with
the kind of culture you really want to experience. It’s difficult
to justify these kinds of decisions, if you haven’t clarified and
committed to your high-level standards.

Accepting the Obvious

One benefit of thinking at the higher level and making

decisions there first is that it helps you accept the obvious.
You’ll recognize when you’re going to the wrong restaurant
for you because it won’t satisfy your high-level standards. It
won’t honor the direct core relationship you want to
experience.

Many people don’t want to face this simple truth, so they

remain in denial, telling themselves they’ll just have to make
the best of what shows up. I get emails from people living in
the Bible Belt, for instance, lamenting that they can’t seem to
find intelligent, open-minded relationship partners there. Ya
think?

Another common instance is when someone would choose to

do creative work yet finds themselves in an uncreative
department, an uncreative school, an uncreative company, or
an uncreative field. They may get sucked into thinking of
their career options based on the limited field of
“opportunities” around them, instead of acknowledging the
obvious.

When you look deeply into your desires and decide what you
want at the higher levels, it’s important to accept the obvious,
which is that you won’t get far unless you commit to those
standards, which means you’re going to have to start
dismissing and rejecting partial matches.

Passing the Test

Most likely when you make some high-level decisions – real

decisions, not wishy-washy pretend ones – about the direct
core relationships you want with different area of life, you’ll
find life testing your resolve. You may encounter even more
partial matches or mismatches, as if life is tempting you to
settle for less. It is tempting you. Life wants to find out how
certain and committed you are. It doesn’t want to meet your
standard if it doesn’t have to.

This is the time when it’s most important to maintain your

standards and keep them high. Accept the test that life is
offering you, and pass it by rejecting the partial matches.
Keep reaffirming what you want. Don’t settle. Reminder
yourself that the direct core relationship you want is possible,
but not if you settle for less.

If you want to do work that feels meaningful and purposeful

to you, decline the job that’s almost purposeful. Hold out for
the one that really lights you up.

If you want a sexually engaging relationship, decline the

partial match that feels sexually stunted.

Passing the test includes dealing with the inner objections

that may arise along the way, like the voice that tells you
you’re being unreasonable, the voice of impatience, and so
on.

Reciprocity
Don’t expect a free ride because relationships run both ways.
Clarify what you’re willing and able to give to each
relationship as well as what you desire to receive. What’s the
overall experiential package?

If you want to do creative work sustainably, what’s your

commitment on the giving side? In addition to publishing
your work, will you also mentor and support others? Will you
share openly about your creative process to help other
creative people?

If you want a generous lover, will you also be a generous

lover? Is that part of your commitment too?

For many people it’s easier to raise their standards on one

side (giving or receiving) and harder on the other. Some
people find it relatively easy to clarify their personal desires,
but they aren’t offering much to life in exchange, so the offer
falls flat. Other people find it natural to give and serve
others, but they find it difficult to decline situations where
they aren’t receiving much.

Regardless of the challenges, life seems to appreciate (and

often require) reciprocity, especially when it’s so deeply
woven into the offer that we no longer see much separation
between the two sides.
A Personal Example: Community vs.
Commerce

One example of a direct core relationship decision was that I

wanted to socialize directly with the people I serve through
my work and business. This decision was largely born of pain
from doing the opposite at first. During the first five years of
running my computer games business in the 1990s, I mainly
worked with publishers. They would fund my game projects,
but all of the customers would be theirs. Note that this was
before social media, so there weren’t already established
ways to build direct relationships with customers. There was
no Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, etc. There was no
Google yet either.

I soon discovered that I found more joy in these direct

customer relationships than I did in going through publishers
as gatekeepers. I kept leaning in this direction, releasing
some small games directly online, even though it wasn’t
working very well financially at first. Customers began
emailing me feedback, so I could finally interact with them a
little. I added a customer discussion forum to my website way
before that was popular. I also hosted an indie developer
forum for many years to connect with peers in the field.
These weren’t financially lucrative decisions, but I felt more
engaged with the business when I made more community-
oriented choices. It just seemed like the right standard for my
overall happiness, and over time I began clarifying the
importance of this community relationship aspect and
choosing to do it more consciously.

This direct community aspect remains a big part of my life

and work to this day, both with customers and with peers,
and I’ve explored it in many more ways, such as with our
workshops, courses (https://stevepavlina.com/courses/), and
Conscious Growth Club (https://stevepavlina.com/conscious-
growth-club/).

Another aspect of my work is that I like to run my life and

business based on casual social rules as opposed to
commercial rules as much as possible. It’s important to make
a sustainable income and to deliver on business commitments
and responsibilities, but otherwise I prefer to operate with a
more community- and service-oriented mindset and heartset.
That’s one reason I like to open Conscious Growth Club for
new members only once a year. This allows us to get the
transactional part handled in a week, and then we can spend
the rest of the year relating, connecting, and growing as
human beings without having to deal with any commercial
aspects. There aren’t any upsells or financially-oriented
decisions to deal with inside the club, and that’s exactly how
I like it. I prefer to focus on serving and connecting with
people as friends and colleagues inside, and I like having a
community that resonates with that approach.
Many businesses are very businessy. It’s obvious that they play
mainly by commercial rules, not social ones. I think they have
their place in the world, but I never resonated with working
in that kind of operation, nor with building one. I love
intimacy – and hugs – and too much commercialization gets
in the way of that. I do what’s necessary on the financial side
to keep my life and work abundantly sustainable, but I’m way
more motivated by community and connection. Most days
that I’m working, I don’t think about money at all. I spend
way more time thinking about the people that I regularly
connect with.

So this is an example of acknowledging that the businessy

way of doing business isn’t a match for me. It’s not even a
partial match. It’s just a mismatch. It doesn’t help me create
the kind of life I want to experience.

In considering the direct core relationship I want to have

with my work and business, I’ve been able to clarify that I
want to prioritize the community and co-creative exploration
aspects above the commercial aspects. This helps me make
more aligned decisions that feel right to me. I like being a
person who can freely explore, share, and connect with
people in deep and meaningful ways. I like being a person
who doesn’t put so much emphasis on transactions yet who
can still manage that aspect of life and business without
feeling overly resistant to it. I like earning enough money
that I can ignore money most of the time, so I can focus more
energy and attention on what matters.

Living by Your Own Rules

Pay attention to how you feel when following different rules

and standards. Notice where inner objections arise. How do
you feel when a business treats you only like the money
you’re worth to them. How do you feel when people set
commerce aside and connect like real human beings, even
when there’s a transactional aspect involved?

How do you feel about the standards you’re currently

honoring in life? Are any of these standards screaming for an
upgrade?

It’s a Sunday morning, and I felt inspired to write and publish

this right after I got up, before having any breakfast. Is today
a workday? I don’t know. I just like honoring the energy of
inspiration when it shows up; that’s part of the direct core
relationship with life that I enjoy and appreciate.

In a few weeks, I’ll be traveling to Belfast, Edinburgh, and

London. I’ve been to London twice before, but this will be my
first time in Northern Ireland and Scotland. I love exploring
new places; it lights me up inside, and it further honors the
core relationship I want to have with life – a highly engaged
one.

What are the rules and standards by which you want to live?
I encourage you to reflect upon them and clarify what really
matters to you. Realize that you needn’t follow anyone else’s
rules or expectations. If you don’t like the rules that have
been presented to you, rewrite them. You’re not limited to
the current menu.

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Read related articles:

Understanding Human Relationships

(https://stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/01/understanding-human-
relationships/)
Core of Play (https://stevepavlina.com/blog/2020/08/core-of-
play/)
People and Subjective Reality
(https://stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/09/people-and-subjective-
reality/)
Trust in Human Relationships
(https://stevepavlina.com/blog/2020/01/trust-in-human-
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Fragile vs Resilient Relationships
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Open Relationships
(https://stevepavlina.com/blog/2017/01/open-relationships/)
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