Developmental models of interpersonal

relationships, Simplified
Mark Knapp has one of the best known models of relational stages. There are 10 steps that involve
coming together and coming apart. There’s a third area, called relational maintenance, which makes
relationships stay running smooth. Going through that area over and over is healthy.

Initiating
Friendships, romantic relationships, as well as business partnerships all start here. Your goal here is to
tell the other person, “I am friendly and I’d like to get to know you.” This is where you’re doing the
obligatory first meeting routines, be that a handshake or small talk. Shy people have a hard time with
this, so they would usually turn to social media or dating sites rather than initiate all new social
relationships in person. And relationships that start online are successful too, just like those that start in
person. Because of the similar expectations of this stage, job interviews are seen to be like first dates.
Going past this stage, these steps will help you find a new friend, roommate, business partner,
organization, and a new datemate.

Experimenting
Now you search for common ground. Whether that be the basics you’ll put in your profile like where
you’re from and what you’re studying, or some common interest like your hobbies. If both parties are
interested, it doesn’t take long to go from Initiating to Experimenting. Further small talk happens here,
you would then be looking in how the other person thinks about those superficial subjects. You’re also
“auditioning” for them like they are “auditioning” for you. Small talk eases your way into your decision
to go further with this or not.

Social media makes this much easier by getting rid of the small talk, or you just get into everything they
like at once. You could just look at all their pictures, interests, posts, instead of just talking to them to
see if they are the right one for you. And this way, it’s less scary and awkward. We’re so used to sharing
so much about ourselves online and even learned to embrace it, and the other person can just look at
what you’ve already shared with the world.

Despite this, you can totally fail here. You can remember that you could already tell that something
wasn’t going to happen even if you didn’t know the other person for long. So if you dip here, we’ve all
learned to accept it. And this remains much easier to do online than in person to dip.

Intensifying (First step of relational maintenance)

You did not fail in the previous step, you’re going somewhere. Friends would then start to hang out
together, share activities, go places together. Couples would use other ways such as their first “I love
you”, or try to not go that fast such as the love languages: doing favors, words of affirmation, quality
time, gifts, physical touch. They’ll also try to polish up their appearance to look more desirable, give
hints, get to know their partner’s friends and family.
This is the happy part. It’s pure euphoria. You’re so excited that you’re going somewhere with your new
best friend or datemate. You daydream, you get chills, they look like heaven to you. This is the part that
is always in every single movie or commercial.

Of course, the happy part doesn’t last forever, this is real life. Sometimes you question yourself when
you are no longer in that happy part, are you still into this? It’s an equal chance of either this dying off,
or this is becoming even stronger.

Integrating (Second step of relational maintenance)

You’re much stronger now. You learn to identify yourself as “we” with your other person now. You share
commitments to events that are now addressed to “us”. You can learn to share property like a car or
apartment. Partners would then start to have their own unique touch in their relationship, with routines
and rituals that reinforce that you are a couple, such as shared dates, expressing affection, eating
together. You start to give up parts of yourself for being integrated with this other person.

Once you become integrated, you are more obligated to them. You want to give them things or money
regardless of whether they ask or not. If they ask, it’s very straightforward. You don’t need to explain or
apologize for yourself for making such requests anymore. You start to expect more from them and they
expect more from you.

In social media, it’s when you would be facebook official or list their name in your bio. In studies, women
tend to take this much more seriously and even as the next stage.

Bonding (third step of relational maintenance)

Women tend to think they are here once it’s on facebook. People who are in an “official” relationship
and their partners would want to tell the world at this point that they are together. A true, genuine
commitment has been made. This is where couples would then get married, share a house, share a bank
account, have public ceremonies. You’re making it more “official” now.

Platonic relationships can reach this point too. Authors can become close enough to be co-authors of a
shared work. A student becomes a part of a sorority. In Germany, they have their own routine where
best friends become physically close and drink wine or beer together after making their own bond of
eternal brotherhood.

The previous stages may have been at a pace, but this is a super critical part of the relationship now,
you’ve said it to everyone and it’s out there that you two are together.

Differentiating (fourth step of relational maintenance)

Even if your relationship is going so well, you will reach a point where you want to be yourself again.
Those parts you gave up earlier in Integrating? Time to get them back, or some of them back. You talk
about what “you” want to do, not what “we” want to do. Things that you agreed on as one person does
one thing and the other does another are now not as enjoyable as you thought they were, you want to
change those agreements. Change plays an important role here.

It can be good and bad to differentiate, it doesn’t mean immediate doom. In your family, you like to still
be part of it but you want to be yourself too. That doesn’t always mean you cut them out of your life for
the sake of being yourself. Having a partner is just one part of your life, take care of your other parts
too. Changes are guaranteed in life, and you two will face those changes and what you decide to do with
them. To succeed, maintain commitment to each other while you create space for each other to be
yourselves.

Circumscribing (fifth stage of relational maintenance)

Partners make their space for themselves, away from each other. Your friends, their friends. Your
account, their account. It’s healthy to maintain what parts are still your own and their own, you’re
balancing individual and shared identity.

It’s a problem if you have way more separation than integration though. Or if the separation really limits
interaction like them going on a far off trip to really get away from you.

Stagnating (sixth stage of relational maintenance)

If you keep making that separation in circumscribing, the relationship begins to decline. You no longer
get that euphoria in Intensifying. You do your routines with less and less enthusiasm. You get bored. Too
many same things aren’t exciting anymore. The relationship is a shell of its former self. You know this
relationship with your job when you get bored of it but you’re still doing it for the money, and continue
that boring job for years. The same sadness happens when couples go do the same things together, see
the same people, have the same conversations, all without that joy they once had.

Avoiding
If you don’t communicate about that boredom, you start to just avoid each other. Partners would make
excuses or directly say that they don’t want to see each other. The future is very uncertain here.

To get that distance there are many ways. You either avoid them altogether, ignore them/leave the
room, or treat them as less than a person than before. You would also think of them as less important.
This is a bad part here: if you do this avoiding, it’s a high chance they’re avoiding you too. The less you
talk about, the less satisfactory this relationship, if you still are calling it that at this point.

Terminating
The end. You may not get a proper ending, but there is no recovery here, you’re ending it. You can have
one last talk, date, phone call, legal documentation of a divorce. It can be short and sweet or dragged
out with pain, depending on how each side feels about it.

What do you two do afterwards now that you’re no longer together? Best predictor is if you were
friends before this intensifying, and how you went about splitting up. If you’re friends, you can say
there’s no hard feelings or regrets and continue with your lives. But it won’t be as nice if there was clear
manipulation and complaining in it.

Nowadays, technology is a factor. No one likes a breakup over text of all things. It would infuriate you
that they didn’t want to go in person to tell you they’re breaking up with you, and that doesn’t give
hope for any kind of amicable interactions afterwards. Studies say that whoever receives that break up
text tend to have high attachment anxiety, which explains why their partner didn’t want to go in person
in the first place. If you’re over as romantic partners, don’t look at each other’s social media pages. It’ll
get rid of the uncertainty, but intensify the distress and lower personal growth.

However this goes, it’s a learning experience for everyone and both sides of termination. What do you
want in future relationships, so they don’t turn out like this? There are categories in the positives that
you learn, according to a study:

 Person positives: It’s okay to cry, you’re more confident now.

 Other positives: Here’s what I want my partner to be like next time.
 Relational positives: How do I communicate better and how do I not go as fast into this?
 Environment positives: Learn to rely on your support network, they’re here no matter what.

Disclaimer
The stages obviously do not speak for every relationship and how it starts and ends. You can be in more
than one stage at once, even if these steps suggest that the most dominant parts of each stage are at
any given time. You can integrate and experiment like being happy at your new discovery about the
other person, or have differentiating disagreements. Family members that don’t see each other can
have those good moments of intensifying. Coming together and coming apart can happen at the same
time.
Dialectal perspectives on relational
dynamics, simplified
You can’t use those stages we discussed earlier for everything, as said in the disclaimer. Whether this is
a new relationship or a long going one, you face the same challenges. The focus is the ongoing
maintenance despite them coming up over and over. Both parties have important goals but they’re not
compatible. You want different things. Those opposing/incompatible forces are dialectical tensions.

Dialectical tensions make successful communication challenging. We have those both internally and
externally.

Integration vs Separation
You want connection but you don’t want to sacrifice your identity for even the most perfect
relationship. This challenge can come up in your current relationship or how you two face the world.

Connection-Autonomy (Internal)
You want to be close to others, but you also want to be independent. You want a community, but you
don’t want them to completely consume everything that you are.

Breakups often happen when that need for connection isn’t met: they’re barely there for you, they
weren’t committed, we had different needs. They can also happen when that need to connection is too
much: they are controlling me, I needed to breathe. Research shows that in straight relationships, men
tended to want autonomy and women tended to want connection and commitment.

This dialectic is one of the most significant factors affecting romantic couples. It’s just as important when
you’re in a divorce or when you’re together. Separating partners are trying to get what they lost when
they broke up, like their share of finances or their friends, with their new independence.

Nowadays, cell phone use can create that tension. Thanks to your phone you’re always available,
including when you don’t want to be. They text you too much or too little when you’re at a party, or
don’t call or text you when you truly need them. Some couples make rules about such communication,
varying degrees of success and failure. There was a study on this, but the study may be inaccurate
because there were more women who valued connection and more people who were single rather than
couples that were surveyed. Another reason that this study may be undermining how cell phone use can
create tension is because of another study that shows that some men see cell phone use as a threat to
their relationship autonomy.

Parents and children deal with this a lot. Parents want to protect and be with their children and get
mixed feelings about them finally being independent and leaving the house. Children love to be
independent but miss what they once took for granted.

Just because you have that tension doesn’t mean it’s a sign of a bad relationship. It’s healthy to know
and draw boundaries and rules on this autonomy-connection tension.
Inclusion-seclusion (External)
You want to go to things together, but you don’t want to sacrifice quality time with each other. Would
you reject this invitation, and risk the connection you have with your friends who gave them to you; or
accept the invitation, and lose the quality time you could spend with each other? Would a family take
that trip together and disappoint relatives, or have that giant reunion and sacrifice that time they could
spend together without distractions? When you’re married, how do you please the in-laws? That latter
time would be the highest tension of inclusion-seclusion, according to a study.

Stability vs Change
Change is guaranteed in life so you need something stable to fall back on. But if you are too stable, it’ll
feel stale.

Predictability-Novelty (Internal)
You know everything about your spouse! But…you know everything about your spouse. They don’t
surprise you anymore...and they just don’t…surprise you anymore. Them following your predictions is
no longer funny, but just…predictable. It’s useful to know for those random tests if you really know your
partner, but it tends to lower passion in the relationship. It can lead to boredom.

However, you don’t want the extreme end either, such as realizing the person you fell in love with and
the person in front of you right now are two completely different people with no chance of coming back.

Conventionality-uniqueness (External)
You want to please your partner, but you don’t want to look stupid in front of everyone else, whether
that be the world or your network who knows of your relationship. You’re known as the “perfect”
couple to your friends—so it’s hard to tell them that you are going through a hard time right now and
rather not talk about them. You’re known as the “dependable” one—so it’s hard to tell them that you
seriously can’t help them this one time.

There is also routines that can be undermined because of this. You want to give flowers to your partner
on valentine’s day. But literally every couple in existence wants to do this, it’s in movies and TV. Even if
you and your partner still thinks it’s a meaningful thing, would your friends and family think this is
cliché? Are you forced to create a new, funky routine they can’t judge and even might embrace, or
would your partner not appreciate the weird out of the way thing you just did just so you wouldn’t fall
into a stereotype? It’ll be hard to explain on either extreme end, being a cliché or making something so
specific.

Expression vs Privacy
It’s important to tell your partner things, but it’s also important to be private when necessary. You can
tell them a lot, but you can’t tell them everything.

Openness-closedness (internal)
You want them to be open, but you don’t want brutal honesty. When you ask your partner, “Are you
having a good time?” or “What’s my problem?” you are risking that brutal answer. But you also won’t
like it if they just lied to you. If it’s asked to you, you want to tell them the truth, but you don’t want
them to get hurt, so you would think of giving them a less honest answer, but you don’t want to lie to
them.
You can easily claim that you don’t keep secrets between you and your partner. But true communication
will have those secrets, sometimes for the sake of the other person for that to stay a secret.

Revelation-concealment (external)
When you are at work and have some beef with a coworker and your boss intervenes and asks, “How
are you two doing?” Do you tell your boss the truth about how much you hate your coworker and risk
both of your jobs? Would you keep it between yourselves and risk your mental health? When your
family is not financially well and your friend asks to borrow money, do you tell them of this unwell
financial situation or keep it to yourself? If you’re in a gay relationship and you’re unsure if it’s safe, do
you tell your network? If you got promoted but your partner just got fired, do you tell them you got
promoted?

All of these are revealing vs concealing. Nowadays, social media makes it much harder to keep things
under wraps if you choose to conceal for others’ sake.

Strategies for managing dialectical tensions

Now that you have all these problems, how do you go about them? There are at least 8 ways, some
better than others.

 Denial. You go one route and ignore the other. You choose to reveal everything. You choose to
be together all the time. Or you don’t tell them anything. You don’t care if you look stupid to
others.
 Disorientation. You’re so helpless and lost and might respond to this with the trauma response
of fight, freeze, or even flight. You can feel so overwhelmed that you just leave. New couples
can feel like this immediately after the honeymoon phase.
 Alternation. You go in between routes. Sometimes you reveal everything, sometimes you keep
it to yourselves. This one time you’ll go to this party, but next time it’s a personal date night.
 Segmentation. To go one route, you share some parts but not all. You can talk all you want
about your past friends, but not about all your exes. You can go out to eat on date nights, but
you’ll stay home if you want to do other things that aren’t eating together.
 Balance. You make a compromise. Yes, everyone loses a little of what they want in a
compromise, they can suck. You both can compromise on a lifestyle that isn’t as predictable or
full of surprises…it’s not ideal.
 Integration. You accept these forces without fighting them. You can do your normal dates, but
once a week, you could try something different that you haven’t done together before. You can
try those cliché shows of affection but if they don’t work, make your unique ones. Teach your
partner your favorite hobby that they don’t know about. In stepfamilies, the two families can
share and learn some family rituals to put them together.
 Recalibration. Look at this in another way. Instead of holding it against your partner for not
knowing anything about them, maybe that mysterious backstory can be exciting and fun.
Instead of hating your partner for not texting you often, they could be spending that time away
so they have a great story to talk about once they get back to you. They still want to be private,
but you don’t hate them about it anymore.
 Reaffirmation. Know that these problems are always going to happen, and you will have this
disagreement again. It’s a rollercoaster in this relationship, enjoy the ride, and we’ll get stronger
each time we reach a consensus and solution.
Integration, recalibration, and reaffirmation are the preferred approaches. Research says to try more
than one approach to be effective. Failed couples often say they didn’t try anything else. Tensions are a
part of life, learning how to communicate about them makes a tremendous difference in any
relationship.
Content and relational messages,
simplified
How would we go about improving communication now that we know what relationships and their
struggles are like?

It’s one thing to take a text or someone saying something to us as is with their objective meaning. It’s
another to consider how they said it. And it’s another to consider if there was another meaning behind
what was said.

To say that it’s someone’s time to do the dishes, it’s a clear difference between commanding them to do
so because it’s your role to command them, or to gently remind them because they may have forgot.

The objective meaning is the content. Everything else surrounding it is the relation. We are mostly
unaware of the second part.

When your boss tells you to drop everything and work on a certain task right now, you’ll accept it
because he is your boss. But if your boss tells you in a snarky, abusive, or condescending way, you’ll have
a problem with it. You aren’t an idiot, you’re a human being and want respect as such.

That second part is usually nonverbal, implied, and are ambiguous. Not all relational messages are
nonverbal. It’s okay to ask them, “It seemed like you insulted me. Were you insulting me? Were you
angry with me?” to make sure that you interpreted them the right way. That kind of checking is known
as metacommunication: “I appreciate you being so honest with me” “I wish we can stop arguing so
much” they are communication about communication.

Even though metacommunication is important, it’s not as common in relationships as you might think.
Some even want to avoid talking like this because it’s awkward or it’s only for romantic couples. But it’s
important to talk about and set rules in your relationship if you want a healthy one, and
metacommunication is vital in repairing and maintenance.
Maintaining and supporting relationships,
simplified
Maintenance is required for your car, garden, and body. The same goes for your relationships. We count
on our interpersonal relationships for the support we need.

Relational maintenance
It can be defined as communication that keeps relationships running smoothly and satisfactorily. What
kind of communication qualifies as this? Research identified five strategies that couples use to keep their
interaction satisfying:

1. Positivity. Keeping things civil and upbeat and avoiding criticism.

2. Openness. Talking directly about the nature of the relationship and disclosing personal needs
and concerns. Also metacommunicating.
3. Assurances. Letting the other person know, verbally and nonverbally, that they matter and you
are committed.
4. Social networks. Being invested in each others’ family, friends, loved ones.
5. Sharing tasks. Helping one another with tasks around the house and other obligations.

It’s not just for romantic relationships, family and friends too. Openness and social networks are mostly
used around them. When it’s romantic, it’s mostly assurances.

Nowadays, social media plays an important role. We have status updates and stories now. There’s also
the risk of making too many statuses/updates that there’s little to talk about when you actually get
together. Phone calls can help with more intimate subjects. Research says women use social media for
maintenance more than men, no matter what the relationship is. This goes hand in hand with research
saying women expect and receive more maintenance communication with their female friends than
men do with other males.

Social media also helps overcome the challenge of long-distance relationships. They’re common and can
even be more stable than other relationships. This goes for family and friends, not just romantic
partners. The key to commitment there is that maintenance. A study shows that female college students
said that openness and mutual problem solving were vital maintenance strategies in that long distance
dating relationship. Another study says both women and men valued openness for maintaining long
distance friendships. Sharing tasks and practical help aren’t a thing there, and they accepted that.

Social support
Relational maintenance is about keeping a relationship thriving. Social support is helping others during
challenging times by providing emotional, informational, or instrumental support. It’s linked with mental
and physical help and can be offered in many ways:

 Emotional: Show empathy and stay centered on them. Focus on what they are feeling right
now, do not distract or overt attention to other things.
 Informational: You can offer information and recommendations, as well as tell us what we are
doing wrong or what we may not have thought of before. But advice is only seen as supportive
when it’s asked for.
  Instrumental: If you aren’t talking to them, do something for them. Give them a ride to the
airport or care for them when they are sick. We count on others to help us when we need them
and instrumental support is a primary sign of a meaningful friendship.

Social support can be found online too. Studies show that people tend to go to the internet to see if they
have a similar health problem. When asked why, they responded with that sense of community and they
would know more of that they’re going through than trying to get this through to a friend or slowly
giving it to a doctor. For example, obese support groups are for those who share struggles and offer
feedback because being obese has a stigma on it and can be seen as embarrassing. Sharing it online with
like minded people always has positive feedback.
Repairing damaged relationships,
simplified
In any relationship, you’ll hit a rough patch. Outside and inside forces will cause problems in the
relationship. Disagreements can lead to a problem. There is a third type of relational problem, known as
relational transgressions, where one person violates the terms, spoken or implied, letting the other
person down.

Types of relational transgressions

There are many types of transgressions, such as lack of commitment, distance, disrespect, problematic
emotions, aggression, and others. Here are some categories that those can fall under:

Minor vs Significant
It’s okay to have a little distance, a little jealousy can be a sign of affection, a little anger can lead to a
solution. But a ton of these is not okay and leads to damage. If it’s perceived as high severity, closeness
decreases, and communication competence is low.

Social vs Relational
You could violate something that all of society can agree on is bad, or just what your partner said is bad.
All of society can agree that trash talking is not okay, but only some families have a rule saying that they
have to let people know that they are going to be late or else it’s a violation. Both those society rules
and special rules have to be upheld and it’s important to know the difference.

Deliberate vs unintentional
Was it an accident? Did you accidentally say something that the other person didn’t agree on disclosing?
Or did you deliberately say this sensitive information out of a fit of anger? There’s a difference between
not knowing that they were not okay with it and knowing that they were and doing it anyway to attack
them.

One-time vs incremental
There are times where just once is enough to cut it off, and most transgressions happen in one instance.
Smaller ones can build up over time too. It’s necessary to take time away, but if you take too much time
away with no change or communication and don’t talk to them for any other reason, it’s no longer
“letting them have time away” and violates the implication that you have to be available for your
partner.

Strategies for relational repair

Now how do we go about fixing these? The clear first step is to talk about the violation. Stating the
negative results or making an explicit demand for an apology are associated with positive outcomes
more than a random apology. The common I-messages, such as “I felt embarrassed when you yelled at
me in public last night” are effective for either of those.

If you are the guilty one, you would want to raise it for discussion: “What did I do wrong?” “Why is this
wrong?” “What did I do that made you feel this way?” Asking and listening nondefensively for the
answer is a challenge. Listening involves giving full, undivided attention and taking into account
everything that was said. Understand, remember, and respond amicably. Clarify meanings, learn about
wants, thoughts, and feelings, encourage elaboration, encourage discovery, gather more information.
Don’t ask anything that would imply something else about the other person or go off of unchecked
assumptions. Keep asking objective questions to get the level of clarity necessary to understand every
part of what they said. To receive criticism without retaliation, seek more information with asking more
questions, and agree with the truth that the other person says. You don’t have to take everything to
heart, but agree with the facts. You can agree with the principle and only do a slight change if not a
complete one. But if you have nothing in common, agree with the critic’s perception that this is wrong.
It may buy peace at the cost of your feelings, but counterattacking is always the worst result. Doing
those two things opens up a productive, constructive dialogue.

Of course, some things are harder to repair than others. A study says that cheating and breaking up
were the two least forgivable offenses in a romantic relationship. The seriousness of the transgression
and the strength of the relationship are the big factors in determining whether it would be forgiven.

For the best chance of repair, it requires an apology. A bad apology rubs salt in the wound.

The ideal apology contains

 Admission of wrongdoing
 Acknowledgement of regret
 What you could have done instead
 Some type of compensation, which includes promise of change in future behavior

It’ll also be convincing if the nonverbal communication matches what is said. It’s unrealistic no matter
what to expect forgiveness. If it’s that serious, that promise of change in future behavior has to be
upheld over a long period of time to get that forgiveness. It’s also purely on the other person to accept it
or not, conditions or no conditions.

It’s hard and sometimes can be humiliating to apologize. Is it worth it? Research says yes. More people
regret not apologizing than actually doing it.

Forgiving transgressions
There are personal and relational benefits to forgiving. Personally, it will reduce distress and aggression.
Even in the body, it’ll improve heart health. Interpersonally, forgiving can restore the damaged
relationships. People that are forgiven are also less likely to repeat the offense, research shows.

Forgiving can still be hard. Research says that one way to improve your ability to forgive is to remember
your own transgressions—you have been in their position. It’s in our own best interest to forgive, that
gives chance for healing and life.

However, you are not obligated to forgive everything. It’s your choice if you are the receiver. If you are
the giver, you can only try your best on your part.