Happy new year and Merry chrismas on my side.Today marks the second week in january 2024 .

This is
not how i thought it would ride along.I had a very diffrent chrismas and new year.When i say diffrent i
mean it is out of the norm.But i am still wearing the mask behind the smile.My own desires have lead
me to stary away from GOD.I have allowed charachters that ought not to define me to define me .This is
not me.If i recall well i was very creative and now i dont feel the creativity any more.I am just at
more .Not alone but want to be alon.Am an introvert but with GOD i know am an extrovert.This year i
knew what i wanted even before we crossed over.Now am just not so sure what i am to do in
2024.However i do have an idea.I wrote down what i felt i ought to do and i just need to do it but ina
personal way.

{sigh}Woow this is not what i wanted my life to turn out.Wake up,sleep and eat.Even tho am doing house
chores i get tired really fast and just want to seat.But is this really what am meant to do .I dont think
so.Iknow am moret han what am bring to the table and its up to me to decide .Whether i want to keep
on living like a normal human being or i choose the path GOD has ordained for me to walk in. In
concluction i had a random thought of daughter.She is a vessel of GOD and wrote a really good book
about her relationship with GOD over a certain period of her life behind closed curtains.Lastly as
aparting short i had a revelation this morning as i was washing dishes.Most of the times in our lives we
waste time washing yesterdays dishes.Meaning there is something else more valuable you could have
done that morning with that time but because yesterday you were not feeling like it or you were too lazy
to do it.You sacrifice something valuable for yesterdays duties.

I have just shared my thought in my whatsaap status but i feel as i i should take it down.I know its a
thought to think pon but should i have posted it What is this feeling that is trying to down me down.Is it
my lack of trust and doudt.Ama is is just a way to stop me from sharing my friends thoughts.I know i
couldnt have thought of such .I have been washing dishes for the past 22 years of my life but never
thought of that.I will let it be and this feeling am gonna pray for more clarity even tho i have not been
spritually awake for the past few weeks i do know that GOD is with me and his preciouse ho;y spirit is
keeping me in perfect peace.

Laastly i was thinking of how GOD is not a waster.Am gonna back track in 2023 coz i had alot of
encounters and i thought if GOD allowed me to experience all of that and here i am again brocken his
heart.He is all knowing so he knew he tried to warn me through dreams and scriptures but i did not
listen .I did not go and ask at the moment i did not see.But still he knew.This still remains a question that
i know the answer is no and i need more clarity.GOD is not a waster.This year i joined ushering in FEM
but it happened so fast .I did not expect that.But GOD might have put me there for a reason coz i went to
church coz my trainer was worried about me.I couldnt hide or run away for long as i usually do.H e put
me there to keep me close even tho i wasnt close enough.GOD never let go of me even tho i let go of
him.

"Even when i fall your hand you still dey hold my hand "

This song has just statrted singing in my heart and i resonated with it.You know that feelig of this was my
time with GOD.Me craving to just set everything aside and just spend time with him is so sweet and
lovely.Its more than just a random feeling . like i feel it from my head to my toe .Like this is what i
want.To just spend time with GOD alone.

Spending yeaterdays afternoon watching SNS was such an open minded show.I got to see diffrent love
stories of people and personalities .Some i admired like wixx and manguga .Moreover i had a 50?50 in
others coz of how i felt it would change me .Seeing diffrent characters that i want to emulate and others
that i wouldnt.Later i was just feeling tired and as i continued to watch there was this feeling .It felt warm
and like a cuddle from GOD.He wanted to spend time with me like the olden days and it felt so warm.I
knew ihad to drop what i was doing and spend time with him.So i put on worship and i started just
talking to him .What i feel how i feel and everything.We talked of what i wanted for 2024 and that was to
have a personal relationship with him,like just me and him.Then i said about my family with was to flush
debt out of my family .Then i slept.

I wont say i had a smooth night coz i had this fear and i wouldnt even wake up to go to the washroom
because i was afraid.I had a dream that sb came close to me .It wasnt a comftable feeling and it all
happened iin the dream.I remember the first time i had an attack it has never fully healed.Then right
after that there has been attacks around our neighbourhood.Thank GOD he has protected us till this date
and that is one thing i am most certainly graitful for.Even tho i had this dream i still pleaded the blood of
JESUS over my life and family and i try and lean to that.So i eventually woke up and went to the
washroom and also double checked the house and prayed before i went to sleep.

I pray that as i continue to seek GOD i will heal not by might nor by power but by the spirit.I have been
feeeling like an imposter also for a while now.Probably coz i was far from GOD and i still dont have a
wiling heart.I just pray that as days go by as i am being intentional with GOD that i will learn to love
myself and also bring out the best of GOD in me coz the way i feel likea ana imposter is not the best
feeling.The negative energy that i may emulate i want to let go and just let JESUS emulate himself
through me .I dont have it all figured out yet but i do know i have GOD beside me and he is helping me
day by day.

Lastly i invested some money in OK chicken and then i made a very dumb dicision so i am not sure if i
have lost my money or not.But i have this calmness that just bugs me .I chose to follow the peace in me
and steadyness in me .

{breath in and ot heavily}.Attention is very dangerouse especially if your seeking it for the wrong
motives.I have been having this attention seeeking thing and i dont like it coz it make me feel alot of
negative emotions.Imposter being one of them.Feeling like a heavyness and pain in my heart .Adding to
that thoughts that i keep avoiding .One of the ways the enemy gets to me is throught my thoughts and
that is how he slowly loweres me to distract myself with movies and series and ones i have entered he
captures me coz i would want to watch another movie and another and sooner or later i find myself in
lust and sexual sin.Hence defiling my body and also wasting time and seasons and dissapointing friends.

But yesterday i realized once it statrts to creep on you the tempteation the laziness the
tiredness.Remember he is your strength put on some worship and do it and you will do what you set
your mind to do.Satan wont leave you be every day he is determined to bring you down to make sure
you fall and not be a follower of CHRIST.He devoted his life to bring us down according to revelation.So
push ,persevere,know his ways and be strong.

As long as you let go and let GOD i promise you will be alright.Lastly even when you dont feel like it do
it .Dont do it coz its a routine .When i dont want to do something i usually do it for the sake of doing it
and its not a good thing.Do it even when you dont feel like it and do it perfectly.Also dont dwell in the
past .Be grateful and do it the best even when you dont feel the best.Train yourself.I feel like i havent
fully poured my heart .Lastly be kind to yourself and love yourself .It will come gradually and atomatic
when you love and obey GOD.I am stillon that journey of knowing and understanding GOD.Loving him is
Obeying him.I pray that as the year goes on i will not love GOD with words only but also actions.

background music:SHANE AND SHANE

Shame ,Guilt and Embarassment are just overwhelming feeling that the enemy uses to get to me.Right
now i am feeling like a shame ,guilt kinda feeling about the ushering experince in November.I was just so
eager and excited to start so i was eager to serve.Now loooking back what was meant to be a really great
experience is not so much.But i can change that and think of the good time.Me and liz having a really
great conversation,the impartation,the outfits and lastly me having the courage to even be there.I am
grateful that i got to be part of prophetic confrence 2023.I pray that the good times may be embided in
my heart and not the shame and guiltand embarassment.I refuse to think that way .Help me GOD to
forgive and love myself through it all.Your thoughts have the capasity to build you or bring you down
depending on the amount of power you give them.Also i want to make it claer and i keep reminding
myself that as much as am writing am doing it as a means of letting go and letting GOD.I dont want this
to be an addiction or a ameans to manipulate people in a certain way.This are my thoughts .My feelings
and emotions.My experiences and encounters.I havent bought a journal so this is much easier and
better.Woww i feel much well .Thank you GOD.Also worship music really helps alot.

It was GOD all along who was telling me its gonna be okay.I wont be losing my money.He did it again.Our
GOD did it again.

TESTIMONY

Last year i invested my money in an investment company.As am waiting my simcard was locked by
safaricom and i withdrew my money before the simcard was activated.

I tried reaching out in my own words but i ended up being blocked.But i had this settlement of peace
inside of mr that made me doudt myself twice.I thought if it was ignorance but then it felt so calm and
real it had to be GOD .His Love and Mercy.So i reached out but this time the Holy spirit lead me through
it and i got to have my invested money.Moral of the story follow the leading of the holy spirit.

Background music: Speak JESUS and GOD of Revival

I feel a little tense to join L4K .I know i shouldnt feel afraid .The imposter and shame feeling.Not the
best.I dont know why i feel afraid and like running away .I dont know if its fear or imposter or shame or
condemnation.I Pray that it may end in the name of JESUS CHRIST.I know i did wrong but that is in the
past and i am not condemed but justified in the name of JESUS through CHRIST .So this feeling i am
feeling right now i disconnect myself with you in the mighty name of Jesus .I am forgiven and
reedemed.No condemnation.I refuse fear.I refuse condemnation.I refuse anxiety.I refuse shame.I refuse
Guilt.

My heart feel so calm this morning and expectant am not 100% sure why bt i know GOD is part of the
equation.I dont know if you have ever experienced this but right now i just dont know what i ought to
do.I am asking holy spirit to tell me and lead me to do what i ought to do coz wheee.I trust you Holy
Spirit to lead me through this Day.I refuse confussion and fear .My day is blessed and favoured.Amen.

I have been wanting to just do an indepth researchas to why i keep fallind back and eating my vomit.

1.Know the root cause

This sexual sin thta i keep going back to has been caltivated since i was young and am reminded the way
isaac told his first son when you are tired of it you will break the yoke around your neck.The yoke that
mostly ties me is sexual sin and then the others follos.When i first fell i watched a KDrama that is back in
2022.Then now before i fell i watched a movie.The feeling that i was craving is entertainment,comfort
and distraction.So when the enemy tries to make me fall.He will fill my mind with negativity that will
force me to crawl to a distraction or something that will just entertain me even youtube or tiktok or
instagram{social media] once i am overhwelmed he strikes slowly.Then my prayer life goes down,My
time with GOD goes down coz am compromising.On sunday i entered the ministarial team and i was told
find out the enemies pattern to bring you down and change .

It is not the first time i have fallen short and something similar is that i always feel lost and i always dont
know what to do.The next thing i would be saying to GOD is i want to know you and understand you.

HOW I BECAME SPRITUALLY DEAD

1.Sleeping in alot

2.Inconsistency with spending time with GOD

3.Attention not on GOD

.This is really intresting coz its similar to what i was feeling and saying the past two week before2024 and
into 2024.It says

"I embaked on roads that were too dark.I rebelled and turned to the world but the world could not
satisfy me it was just a candy to sweeten the 2 min of my life.I kept thinking about you{GOG} and even
tho i was coveed in sin you still shine your light upon me 2x better .I look around me and notice how
different you made me but i seek wisdom and follow the world instead of staying under your love.I
question myself .Who am i?What am i supposeed to d?The effects of all this leaves me not bathing,not
brushing my teeth,not washing clothes and even feeling lazy.

2022 GOAL
1.I want to grow spritually and for you to use me

2.I want to help,Tranform and Impact

3.I want to be stable and have enough

4.I want to be humble and obedient

2020

1.To know you,experince you and feel you

2.To be succesful,stable and Humble

3.To be an influencer

4.To help my family and others

Am really anxiouse right now.Like a roller costa of emotions .I have put my money somewhere i dont
know and am not sure of it 100% or even 50%.It the overwhelming feeling i keep talking about.That
makes me want to distract myself with an entertaning thing to watch.Moreover it wont add.Also i have
noticed i am not reading nor paying keen attention to detail.It like am doing it for the sake of doing
it.Also am noticing am getting really impatient.I dont know but i have to keep my mind on the positive
side that is one virtue of an enterpreneure.Have a positive mindset even i times you want to crash.

Is it me ama what is it.I might have forgetten do to some crusial things but i always do them.Should i be a
villain or victim.I such situations i honestle do not know.But regadless i just want to stay away from
conflict and argument.I try my best everyday to due my due diligence and what am told.Unless am tired
or just want to rest.I know sometimes am not always willing but i try.I try to not be the biggest cause of
your pain.The moment i was told that i felt like it was unfair.Like i was the one who is just the worst and it
hurt me.Till today it hurts.I feel like i have to prove myself that am worthy that i can fit in.I dont think i
have healed fully .I feel like i have wounds and i just try to cover them up with bandage.I pray that GOD
you unbandage me and heal me .Restore me/\.Maybe am not who i say i am.But GOD vet me in your
rightiouseness and fix me.If i cant heal i will keep on wonding others and the enemy will keep on using
this wounds to his advantage.Search my heart GOD.Vet me.Prone me.Fix me.Heal me.

It is important i say this.Yesterday i made a couple of mistakes and some i dont remember i i own them.I
was told to do a couple of things and i delayed them.Delayed obedience is desobedience .Period.This is
one thing i need to learn to be obedient and also listen.

We also spent time together as a family and shared a couple of thing about discipline and consistency.