Sample SNL Writing Submission

SNL WRITING PACKET
NATIONAL DICK JAR - POLITICAL SKETCH
GRAPHICS: White House seal.
NEWS ANNOUNCER
A now a message from the President
of the United States.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED ARMISEN) sits at his desk.
PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED ARMISEN)

Good evening. As you know, our
country faces serious economic
challenges and those of us in
Washington disagree on how to deal
with them. Democrats are pushing
for a tax increase on the
wealthiest 1%, while Republicans
oppose that. Tonight, however, I’m
here to announce a bipartisan
solution we’ve ALL been able to
agree on: a National Dick Jar.
GRAPHICS:
PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

America, you’ve heard of a Swear
Jar. My family has one. Every time
my daughters hear my swear, I have
to put a dollar in the Jar. The
Dick Jar works the same way. We
WON’T be increasing taxes on
EVERYONE who’s rich, but if you’re
ever a real dick about it, you now
have to pop a dollar in the Jar.
Camera widens out and we see that there’s a giant jar on the
desk next Obama that says “NATIONAL DICK JAR” on it.

This is what the Dick Jar looks
like. There will be one on every
corner starting next week.
PHOTOS: Of giant Dick Jars on various corners.

Here are some dick moves that could
force you to owe a dollar to the
Jar:
GRAPHICS: For every example, the text comes up on the screen.

If you ever say, quote, “Sorry, I
can’t talk long, I’m on my way to
the Hamptons”, you owe a dollar to
the Jar. Chances are you made that
phone call JUST to mention the
Hamptons. Dick move, Rich America.
Obama puts a sample dollar in the sample Dick Jar every time
he gives an example for the rest of the sketch.

If you ever say, “Ugh, I’m having a
bad week, my personal acupuncturist
is out of town” or “This wine is
delicious, it reminds me of the
wine at MY winery. Oh, did I
mention I have a winery?”, then
come on Rich America, you’re being
a dick. Time to drop a buck in the
Jar and help the economy get goin’.
GRAPHICS: The text of those two above quotes.

If you go on vacation and stay in a
three bedroom bungalow and call it
“camping”, put a dollar in the Jar.
That’s not camping. Also, if you
ever even SAY the word “bungalow”,
put a dollar in the jar.
Furthermore, if you call something
“pedestrian” or pronounce
croissant, “cwoissa”, and you’re
not French, drop a cool Washington
in the Jar. And then slam that jar
into your face.
GRAPHICS: Of all those examples above as he says them.

I know it sounds like a lot of rich
Americans will be losing money
under this plan, but it’s only
fair. If you are rich, and not a
grade-A douche about it, you’re
exempt.
(MORE)
However, if you ever complain while
you’re in a hot tub that you OWN,
you’ll now be required to dry off
and head on over to the nearest
Dick Jar, and drop off a buck. If,
after drying off, you put on a
monogrammed robe first and then
call a car service to DRIVE you to
the Jar, put TWO bucks in. There’s
a Dick Jar on every corner, you can
walk that. Quit being such a dick.
GRAPHICS: Listing all the above things.

Truth is, our economy’s in terrible
shape, and if you’ve ever stood in
a Williams Sonoma, crying over how
to re-tile your foyer or screaming
at your husband, “that’s not beige,
Darren, that’s TAUPE!”, you should
be helping by putting at LEAST a
handful of quarters in the Jar.
GRAPHICS: Listing all the above things.

Also, if you have one of the
following names, you’re required to
put a dollar in the Jar every
morning, because you’re probably a
rich dick: Dougray, Cynthia,
Beaumont, Countess LuAnn de
Lesseps, Bizzy, Bitsy, Kanye West.
GRAPHICS: List of all the names as he says them.

I am confident our economy will
improve, because I BELIEVE in
America and I BELIEVE in just how
many truly terrible dicks we have.
Thank you for your time, and if
you’ve been watching this address
from a bath or hammock, please put
a dollar in the Dick Jar first
thing Monday morning. That includes
you, Michelle, I know you’re
watching this from our bath
hammock. Goodnight. And live from
New York, it’s Saturday Night!
BLACKOUT.
HOW TO MAKE A SITUATION ABOUT YOU! - CHARACTER SKETCH
GRAPHICS/MUSIC: Cheesy, low-rent graphics and music for the

instructional series, “How To Make A Situation About You!”.
INT. LAMEY 90’s BACKDROP
COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA BAYER), middle-aged, with an

enormous perm and too much make-up, addresses camera. On the
wall behind her is her giant face and the words HOW TO MAKE A
SITUATION ABOUT YOU!.
COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA BAYER)

Hi. How are you? Just kidding. I’m
Colleen Atwater. Welcome to my
instructional series “How To Make A
Situation About You!”. We’ve ALL
been there: that excruciating 15
seconds when people might be paying
attention to someone else. It’s the
WORST. But today I’m going to help
you solve that problem in three
CRUCIAL situations. First: at
someone else’s birthday party!
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “HOW TO MAKE A SITUATION ABOUT YOU...AT

SOMEONE ELSE’S BIRTHDAY PARTY!” sparkles across screen.
Colleen walks over to a little birthday party set-up where

actors playing PARTY GUESTS are frozen in place.
COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

Celebrations for other people are
THE WORST. You can usually expect
the following: People singing happy
birthday to someone else, people
TALKING about someone else, and
people saying things like, “Are you
enjoying your party, David?”.
She gets serious.

But you’re not David, you’re
COLLEEN ATWATER. And with one of
these three easy tactics, you can
MAKE THIS SITUATION ABOUT YOU!
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #1: PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY

COMPLIMENT YOURSELF OUT OF NOWHERE” sparkles across screen.
The Party Guests unfreeze and Colleen interacts with them.

I love how simple this party is! I
always go way overboard and put up
GOOD decorations. I guess I’m weird
like that.
Colleen smiles slyly to the camera.
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #2: WORK IN A PERSONAL,

UNRELATED TRAGEDY FOR NO REASON!”.
One of the Party Guests, DAVID (PAUL BRITTAIN) opens a gift.
DAVID (PAUL BRITTAIN)

Thanks, guys. You’re the best!
COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA)

I hope you like MY gift, too. I
bought it right after my boyfriend
broke up with me last night.
PARTY GUESTS
Oh no, Colleen! What happened?
Colleen winks at the camera.
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #3: BEES!”.
Colleen runs around the room, screaming and hitting things.

Oh my god, I’m being chased by
bees! I’M BEING CHASED BY BEES!
PARTY GUESTS
What?/What are you talking about--?
Colleen turns to camera with a big smile:

By the time they realize there’s no
bees, the situation will already
be...ABOUT YOU!
GRAPHICS: “NOW THIS SITUATION’S...ABOUT YOU!!!”.
Colleen walks over to another setup, where actors are frozen

in place playing FUNERAL ATTENDANTS at a funeral.

Time to move on to another
situation. Funerals can be a time
for grieving AND a time for danger.
(MORE)
I once went to a funeral where no
one asked about my funky eye shadow
once. And look how funky it is!
Camera zooms in quickly on her eye shadow.

So here are some tactics for how to
make a funeral ABOUT YOU!
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #1: CRY THE LOUDEST. TAKE A DEEP

BREATH AND REALLY CRY FROM YOUR DIAPHRAGM!”.
Colleen stands by a casket and Funeral Attendants, sobbing:

Oh god! I, Colleen Atwater, only
122 pounds, am SO SAD. I’m getting
funky eye shadow everywhere!
The camera zooms in on her funky eye shadow as she smiles.
GRAPHIC/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #2: FIND THE PERSON GIVING THE

EULOGY, TIE HIM UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH SOME BUNGEE CORDS
FROM THE TRUNK OF YOUR FORD FESTIVA, AND GIVE THE EULOGY
YOURSELF!”.
Colleen is now standing at a lectern, fake somber:

They say a death is hardest on the
person giving the eulogy. Which is
ME: Colleen Atwater. Only 121
pounds, now that I think about it.
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #3: BEES AGAIN! IF ANYONE AT

THIS FUNERAL WAS ALSO AT LAST NIGHT’S BIRTHDAY PARTY, WHAT
ARE THEY GONNA DO, BRING UP THAT YOU’VE DONE THIS TWICE NOW?
THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE. WE’RE AT A FUNERAL.”
She starts running around and screaming:

Bees! Oh my god, this has never
happened before, but there’s bees!!
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “NOW THIS SITUATION’S...ABOUT YOU!”.
Colleens walks over to an office setup. Actors are frozen in

place as OFFICE WORKERS.

Lastly, has someone ever sneezed
while you were talking about
(MORE)
yourself? And for almost a SECOND
everyone stopped listening to you
to say “God bless you”? Here’s what
to do in THAT nightmare scenario.
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #1: START SNEEZING TOO!”.
Colleen talks with Office Workers:

I’m just one of those people who
never gets sick--
OFFICE WORKER 1 (TARAN KILLAM) sneezes.
OFFICE WORKERS
God bless you.
OFFICE WORKER 1 (TARAN KILLAM)

Thank you.
Colleen sneezes repeatedly, forcing everyone to keep saying

“God bless you”, until she falls over, then smiles at camera.
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #2: TRY A SUBTLE DISTRACTION!”.
Office Worker 1 sneezes.
OFFICE WORKERS
God Bless yo---

No, no! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY
ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE!!!
She jumps on a table, throwing things, then smiles at camera.
GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #3: STAB YOURSELF IN THE

PANCREAS AND BLEED OUT ON THE BREAK ROOM FLOOR TIL YOU DIE!”.
Colleen stabs herself and falls to the floor, bleeding.

Everyone is panicked. Colleen looks up weakly, smiling:

Now this situation...is about you.
GRAPHICS: “NOW THIS SITUATION’S...ABOUT YOU!!!”.
Colleen dies. A beat as people cry, then someone sneezes.
OFFICE WORKERS
God bless you.
BLACKOUT.
JASMINE PARTY!
INT. HOUSE PARTY
Girls (and guys in drag) named JASMINE wear blonde hair

extensions, slutty tops, UGG boots, and lazily sip from
Frappuccinos at a party. They speak like all Jasmines do.
JASMINE L. (KRISTEN WIIG) and JASMINE S. (ABBY ELLIOTT) set

out gummy worms and line up shots.
JASMINE L. (KRISTEN WIIG)

Oh my god, Jasmine, this party is
gonna be like, for real, you know?
JASMINE S. (ABBY ELLIOTT)

Don’t even get me STARTED on this
party, Jasmine. I swear, like, I
just hope JASMINE doesn’t come.

There’s NO WAY Jasmine is coming.
JASMINE E. (VANESSA BAYER) enters, looking identical to them.
JASMINE E. (VANESSA BAYER)

Hi Jasmine! (livid) Jasmine.

JASMINE. If you are gonna be at
this party, you better WATCH. Like
FOR REAL, watch.

Jasmine, please. Jasmine is, like,
NOT even worth it.

Not WORTH is? Oh my god, it’s not
like I’m Jasmine or something.

Oh my god, I, like, HATE Jasmine.

Don’t even SAY the name Jasmine in
front of me.

SHOTS!!!
All the girls laugh, knock back a shot, and take a fistful of
gummy worms. JASMINE W. (NASIM PEDRAD) enters.
JASMINE W. (NASIM PEDRAD)
I could HEAR you talking about me.

Oh my god, Jasmine, then don’t like
even BE here.

YOU don’t be here.

Jasmine, for real, DON’T PLAY.

ME don’t play?

Yeah, YOU don’t play.

Can we like FOR REAL not fight?
This party’s for Jasmine.
JASMINE H. (FRED ARMISEN) enters, looking like other girls.
JASMINE H. (FRED ARMISEN)

Oh my god, what EVEN is going on?
All the Jasmines like THIS Jasmine and scream happily:
ALL JASMINES
SURPRISE JASMINE!!!!!

Oh my god! Jasmine, thank you!

Don’t thank me, thank Jasmine.

Yeah, I’m the one who organized
this party! Not Jasmine.

Oh PLEASE, Jasmine.

YOU please.

SHOTS!!!
They take a shot/eat gummys. JASMINE R. (BOBBY MOYNIHAN)

enters.
JASMINE R. (BOBBY MOYNIHAN)
WHAT is going on with this party?
ALL JASMINES
Ugh, it’s Jasmine.

I’m not here to play. I just need
to talk to Jasmine.

I’m right here.

I know, I have EYES, Jasmine.

If this is about Derrick dont even.

Oh my god, I don’t even CARE about
Derrick. I’m with Derrick now.

That’s not what Derrick told
Jasmine.

Oh my god, don’t even bring me into
this. I just told Jasmine what
Derrick told Derrick and then
Derrick told me.

Well, ask Derrick yourself.
DERRICK P. (ANDY SAMBERG) enters wearing cargo shorts, a

backwards hat, carrying a frisbee. He looks like a Derrick.

Derrick, WHAT are you doing here
even?
DERRICK P. (ANDY SAMBERG)

Hangin’.

Derrick, oh my god! Derrick will
kick your ass if he sees you here.

Why? Are you dating Derrick now?
So? Derrick told Derrick you and
Derrick were together and Derrick
was single so like, what do you
expect even?

Derrick’s a liar!

Derrick, Jasmine’s calling you a
liar.
Derrick C. (TARAN KILLAM) enters. He looks like a Derrick.

Oh god, what is HE doing here?
DERRICK C. (TARAN KILLAM)

Hangin’.

Jasmine, you’re SO much better than
Derrick. Date someone you deserve!
Like Derrick. Or Derrick!

Or Derrick!
ALL JASMINES
Ew no! Not Derrick.

He’s trash! Who am I, Jasmine?

Fuck you.
DERRICK D. (JASON SUDEIKIS) enters, looking like a Derrick.
DERRICK D. (JASON SUDEIKIS)

Hey that’s my girlfriend.
JASMINE S.
Aw Derrick. What’re you doing here?
DERRICK D. (JASON SUDEIKIS)

Hangin’.
JASMINE L.
SHOTS!!!
They all laugh and knock back a final shot. BLACKOUT.

CONSTANTLY ON TWITTER - TOPICAL SKETCH
INT. RESTAURANT
JARED (JASON SUDEIKIS) & KATIE (ABBY ELLIOTT) are on a date.
KATIE (ABBY ELLIOTT)

I NEVER date comedians, but John
and Tyler speak so highly of you.
And I saw your guys’ show last week
and you were SO funny.
JARED (JASON SUDEIKIS)

Oh thanks. Seriously, every time I
do a show with them they’re like
“you HAVE to meet Katie.”

I wonder when they’ll get here.
Trains must be slow.

Oh my god, on the train today I saw
this woman with these gross, black
fingernails. I literally almost
threw up on her, it was retarded.
Katie laughs a little, is grossed out.

That’s SO disgusting.

Hah, I know! Oh, sorry, just a sec.
Jared pulls out his iPhone. He starts typing on it for a sec.

What are you, on Twitter?

I know I’m sorry. Twitter’s the
WORST!
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN) and TYLER (TARAN KILLAM) enter.
JOHN/TYLER
Katie! Jared! / Sorry we’re late.
TYLER (TARAN KILLAM)

Our sketch show started retardedly
late. Then the trains were crazy.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)
Luckily no one on our train had
gross fingernails! Saw your tweet.

Oh, thanks! She was SO gross.

Wait, THAT’S what you just tweeted?
The fingernail thing you just said?

(to Katie)
Jerry has like 8,000 Twitter
followers.

Uh, okay. Anyway, we ordered
drinks. Oh, and get this: that guy
at the next booth has a rat tail.
They look over, BOBBY MOYNIHAN is rockin’ a rat tail.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Seriously? I feel like having a rat
tail is basically saying, “I live
in my mom’s basement.”
They all laugh. JOHN pulls out his phone to tweet this.

Are you tweeting that now? You’re
on Twitter too?
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Yeah, but I HATE IT.

Anyway, it’s good to see you guys!
I missed you while I was in France!
Jared gets out his phone and is tweeting something.
KATIE (ABBY ELLIOTT) (CONT’D)

Obviously it was fun, but it WAS
weird being away from everyone I
know and never really speaking Eng--
Tyler gets out his phone and starts laughing.

That’s really funny.
Wait, YOU just tweeted again?

Ugh, sorry, I know. Twitter’s like
the WORST thing that’s EVER been
invented, but you know....

What did you Tweet? About me?
(grabbing the phone)
“I missed you while I was in
France.” - What this girl Katie
said just now at dinner #humblebrag
(beat) You’re tweeting mean things
about me right in front of me?

It’s actually GOOD for you to be
mentioned in one of my tweets
because I have a lot of followers--

8,000.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

--so it would like really help you
out if you were on Twitter too.

Because then all Jared’s followers
would start following you.

Anyway, enough about Twitter.
TYLER/JOHN
IT’S BORING! IT’S SO BORING!!!

It’s nice to finally meet someone I
can sit and have a REAL
conversation with. I don’t date
much.

Me either! I mean, unless you count
watching Rachel Maddow in your
living room while eating Chipotle
with your cats a date!
Everyone laughs, then they pause and lean in expectantly,

waiting for her to tweet that.
KATIE (ABBY ELLIOTT) (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Aren’t you going to tweet that?

That was like...a PERFECT tweet.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Self-deprecating--

--but still funny.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Relatable enough that someone could
be like, “Oh me too!”...

...and then retweet it.

No thanks. So Tyler, hows your dad?

Oh my god, maybe you guys can help
me. I’ve been trying to figure out
what to do because Mario Lopez
started following me on Twitter
after I made this like retarded
joke about Saved By The Bell--

Oh, that tweet was funny!

It had a misspelling so I HATED it.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

It got retweeted like FIFTY TIMES!

Forty-nine.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Oh, sucks.

Sorry I didn’t retweet it.
(to Katie)
(MORE)
JARED (JASON SUDEIKIS) (CONT'D)
I’m weird about retweeting other
people’s tweets cuz my Twitter is
like my website, so if agents and
managers go to it, I want them to
be able to see MY content, ya know?
JARED (JASON SUDEIKIS) (CONT’D)

Right. So anyway, I haven’t tweeted
anything since Mario Lopez started
following me.
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Well, you don’t want your first
tweet Mario sees to be retarded.

Yeah, cuz then he’ll be like “why
am I following THIS retard?”.

And people are getting jobs off
Twitter now. Which is retarded
because Twitter is the WORST--
TYLER/JOHN
THE WORST!

BUT it’s also an amazing, constant
warm waterfall of praise--

--that you can bathe in whenever
you feel like!
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

But also, it’s retarded.
WAITER comes out with their drinks.
WAITER
Here’s your drunks. I mean, drinks.
ALL
Hahah! DRUNKS!?!?/WHAT’S A DRUNK!?
JOHN (FRED ARMISEN)

Uhhh, I think you mean DRINKS!

Hashtag WAITER FAIL!
They all reach for their phones and start tweeting and making
annoying little remarks as we pull out, and BLACKOUT.
OBVIOUS INFOMERCIAL - COMMERCIAL PARODY
INT. KITCHEN
A frazzled WOMAN (KRISTEN WIIG) tries to cut a carrot in an

exaggerated way, elbows flailing everywhere, like they do on
these infomercials that in no way would allow someone to
actually cut something successfully.
VOICE OVER (BILL HADER)

Has THIS ever happened to you?
You’re TRYING to cook dinner, but
your ORDINARY steak knives just
DON’T seem to be working!?
Woman gives up, frustrated. She looks at camera, nodding.
VOICE OVER (BILL HADER) (CONT’D)

Well then YOU NEED: To Learn How To
Correctly Use A Knife!
Woman looks up, skeptical.
WOMAN (KRISTEN WIIG)

You mean like every OTHER person in
the world?

That’s right! No more struggling to
cut vegetables for hours on end!
With Learning How To Correctly Use
A Knife, you’ll have dinner ready
IN MINUTES!

Sounds complicated! How’s it work?
She does these tips as they’re said:

Couldn’t be easier! Step 1: Pick up
the knife. Step 2: Use the knife
like a normal human being would.
Step 3: Put down the knife.

Wow, thanks! Now if only I could
get some help CLEANING MY CLOSETS!
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - IN FRONT OF CLOSET
Woman opens a closet door, preposterously stacked with tons

of boxes.

You said it! Cleaning closets can
be a REAL NIGHTMARE!

You’re tellin’ ME!
Suddenly, all the boxes fall, trapping her underneath them.

And you need help organizing but
don’t know where to start!

I sure don’t!

Sounds like YOU NEED: To Pull Your
Shit Together!
The woman pokes her head up through the boxes, surprised:

It’s that easy?!

It is! Simply don’t pack a bunch of
heavy, heavy boxes high up on a
shelf! No human does that.
Woman has now picked up a high stack of the boxes:

But where do I PUT all of them? I
can’t even CARRY them all!

(a deep sigh)
Simply make more than one trip!
There is no reason for you to be
holding all those boxes at the same
time!
She puts them down except for one. Then puts that one away.

Wow, you’re right!
And with Pulling Your Shit
Together, you won’t have closets
full of garbage in the first place!
What’s IN all those boxes anyway?

This one has old yearbooks and
twenty copies of the Baltimore Sun
from the day after Columbine!

See?! Those are things insane
people keep! Maybe start collecting
MEMORIES WITH PEOPLE instead!

Good idea! I suddenly feel in the
mood to exercise!

(to himself)
Oh god, is she kidding?
CUT TO:
INT. WORKOUT ROOM
Woman is doing ridiculous jumping jacks that don’t even look

like jumping jacks. Then she sighs, frustrated.

But there’s gotta be a better way!

Of course there is! Go outside.
Run. Join a gym. Don’t spend all
your sunlight hours inside stacking
a bunch of fucking boxes.

Thanks! That’s a REAL life-saver!

And wait, were all those yearbooks
you had in that closet back there
even yours?

No! I’ve started collecting
STRANGERS’ yearbooks!
(to himself)
Oh my god, oh man. Dave, can you
help me with this woman? I can’t--
Just then, we can hear another announcer voice, named DAVE,

come in to the commercial.
DAVE (V.O.)(JASON SUDEIKIS)

What’s up?

I just...need you to help take
over. I don’t wanna say something
I’ll regret.
DAVE (V.O.) (JASON SUDEIKIS)

Sure. What’s she doing?

Working out--

Oh, no! Looks like I need to clean
these floors! They’re A MESS!
She’s suddenly at a mop that’s been wheeled out.

No, wait. She’s mopping. I thought
you said she was working ou--?
(in voice-overy mode)
Excuse me, ma’am? Did you already
work out? Did I miss it?

See? That’s what I’m trying to tell
you, Dave. She’s been doing this
ALL DAY.

I’ve been trying and trying to mop
up these floors, but NO LUCK!

Sorry, WHERE was the trying part?
You literally haven’t mopped yet.
I’ve been here since you got it
out.

There’s just GOTTA BE a better mop!
No, Rebeccah. There are no better
mops. I don’t know what to tell
you. A mop is a mop.

It’s a fucking stick that has mop
parts on the end, Rebeccah, and
then you push it around. LIKE A
MOP.

Wow, sounds simple!!!
HUSBAND (BOBBY MOYNIHAN) walks in, normal, not infomercial-y.
HUSBAND (BOBBY MOYNIHAN)

Honey, are you in here talking to
yourself again? We’re ready to eat.

I just have to finish mopping
before our sons get home! But
there’s gotta be a better way--!
HUSBAND (BOBBY MOYNIHAN)

Honey. These floors are spotless.
Our sons are dead. I need you to go
see someone. Okay?

(breaking down, sad)
Okay. I think that’d be good.
They walk off, hugging each other.
VOICE OVER/DAVE (BILL/JASON)

No, mom, don’t leave us!
BLACKOUT.
WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
SARAH (NASIM PEDRAD) and her best gay friend, BRIAN (TARAN
KILLAM), sit at a table:
SARAH (NASIM PEDRAD)

Sooo...any guys in your life,
Brian?
BRIAN (TARAN KILLAM)

Nope, no boyfriend. But I’m excited
to meet YOUR new man.

He should be here any minute!
JOHN (JASON SUDEIKIS) enters, attractive and in good shape.

He kisses Sarah.
JOHN (JASON SUDEIKIS)

Hey, honey.

Oh, there he is! John, this is
Brian. My very best friend.

You look REALLY familiar. Do I know
you from somewhere?

Umm...I do gay-for-pay porn. So
probably from that!

Oh, what?--No. No. Of course not.

Oh, that makes sense! You recognize
him from pornos you watch! Neat!

Wait---you’re okay with your
boyfriend doing gay porn?

At first I was weirded out, but
he’s not gay and it’s good money!
And all the other guys are super
nice. Especially Clay, Clay,
Trevor, Clay, Trevor and Clay.
I’m flattered you watch my pornos!

You can admit you’ve seen them.
Everyone watches porn. Relax!

Maybe I’ve seen...one. Idunno.

YAAAY! John LOVES meeting his fans!

Yeah, I spend so much time face
down on those haystacks, I NEVER
get to actually MEET you guys!

Oh! You can help us! Do you like
John’s videos where he HAS pubes or
where he DOESN’T have pubes?

Uh....I...don’t know.

Come on!

I guess...WITH pubes....where is
the waiter--?

Doesn’t he have the SEXIEST pubes?

Wait, I’ve been shaving my pubes
for 4 years! So if youve seen them,
that means you’ve been watching my
pornos for half a decade! Big fan!

Can we change the subject--?

And the site costs $30 a month.
Four years, twelve months in a
year, times thirty...that’s almost
fifteen hundred bucks. You could
buy a nice used car with that!
So if John pays for dinner, it’s
like YOU helped pay too! What’s
your favorite video?

(quietly)
I don’t know.

Youre my best friend! Be supportive
of my boyfriend and tell him which
porno of his you like the best!

I guess...the one on the folding
chairs was sort of nice...? Ugh.

Oh! Wow. That just went up this
afternoon. So you took care of
business thinkin’ about me like an
hour ago! Awesome, man!

Crap. Can we change the subject?
JOHN SARAH
Oh yeah, sure, sure! Of course!
BRIAN (TARAN KILLAM)(CONT’D)

Sarah told me you...play baseball?

I don’t think so. I told you that?

You’re thinking of the pornos
again! We did this scene were I ran
around some bases letting my balls
jiggle to and fro.

Okay, forget the subject change.

That was bonus footage!

I thought you said people have to
download that separately...?
Not if you’re a Gold Boner Member!
Aww, man, that means SO MUCH!

This is SO COOL! I’m dating someone
you’ve masturbated to for years!

Let’s talk about something else! I
just went to Latin America...

Right! Brian’s a HUGE Latin lover!

Yeah, I love the food and the cultu-

Is your user name LatinLover83?

Oh god.

Oh man, It’s YOU! You leave some
FILTHY comments on some of my
videos. And how is that ONE
position you always beg me to try
even POSSIBLE? Wouldn’t you DROWN?

I don’t know what you’re talking
about.

Oh hey! Can I ask you a question,
man to man? How’s my butthole?

Oh god, he’s SOOO self-conscious
about that butthole of his!

Is it too squinty?! Be. Honest.
Brian stands up, outraged. He can’t take this anymore.

It’s fine. Your butthole’s FINE!
Okay? I LOVE your butthole! And I
love to watch your balls jingle
jangle. Okay!? But I don’t wanna
talk about it over DINNER.
(MORE)
BRIAN (TARAN KILLAM) (CONT'D)
And by the way: that position I’m
always asking about? You can’t
DROWN in a RAIN GUTTER.
An OBVIOUSLY GAY MALE WAITER (BOBBY MOYNIHAN) approaches.
WAITER (BOBBY MOYNIHAN)

May I take your order?...Wait, do I
recognize you from somewhere?

Umm...I’m in Our Town at the Public
Theatre...have you seen that?
WAITER (BOBBY MOYNIHAN)

Oh, right, yeah!

Wait, WHAT?!?!?
BLACKOUT.

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SNL WRITING PACKET

NATIONAL DICK JAR - POLITICAL SKETCH

GRAPHICS: White House seal.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED ARMISEN) sits at his desk.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED ARMISEN)

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

PHOTOS: Of giant Dick Jars on various corners.

GRAPHICS: For every example, the text comes up on the screen.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS: The text of those two above quotes.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS: Of all those examples above as he says them.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS: Listing all the above things.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS: Listing all the above things.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS: List of all the names as he says them.

PRESIDENT OBAMA (FRED) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS/MUSIC: Cheesy, low-rent graphics and music for the

INT. LAMEY 90’s BACKDROP

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA BAYER), middle-aged, with an

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA BAYER)

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “HOW TO MAKE A SITUATION ABOUT YOU...AT

Colleen walks over to a little birthday party set-up where

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

She gets serious.

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #1: PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY

The Party Guests unfreeze and Colleen interacts with them.

Colleen smiles slyly to the camera.

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #2: WORK IN A PERSONAL,

One of the Party Guests, DAVID (PAUL BRITTAIN) opens a gift.

DAVID (PAUL BRITTAIN)

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA)

Colleen winks at the camera.

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #3: BEES!”.

Colleen runs around the room, screaming and hitting things.

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA)

Colleen turns to camera with a big smile:

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA)

GRAPHICS: “NOW THIS SITUATION’S...ABOUT YOU!!!”.

Colleen walks over to another setup, where actors are frozen

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

Camera zooms in quickly on her eye shadow.

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #1: CRY THE LOUDEST. TAKE A DEEP

Colleen stands by a casket and Funeral Attendants, sobbing:

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

The camera zooms in on her funky eye shadow as she smiles.

GRAPHIC/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #2: FIND THE PERSON GIVING THE

Colleen is now standing at a lectern, fake somber:

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #3: BEES AGAIN! IF ANYONE AT

She starts running around and screaming:

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “NOW THIS SITUATION’S...ABOUT YOU!”.

Colleens walks over to an office setup. Actors are frozen in

COLLEEN ATWATER (VANESSA) (CONT’D)

GRAPHICS/COLLEEN VO: “TACTIC #1: START SNEEZING TOO!”.