Modern.Family.

S01E01
He has a big business.
Modern.Family.S01E01 I come from a small village.
Kids, breakfast! Very poor but very, very beautiful.
Kids? It's the number one village in all Colombia
Phil, would you get them? for all the-
Yeah. Just a sec. What's the word?
Kids! Murders.
- That is - Okay. Yes. The murders.
Kids? Get down here! Manny, stop him!
Why are you guys yelling at us when we're Stop him! You can do it!
way upstairs? Damn it, Manny!
- Just text me. - All right. That's not Come on, coach. You gotta take that kid out.
gonna happen. You wanna take him out? How about I take
And, wow! You're not wearing that outfit. you out?
What's wrong with it? - Honey, honey. - Why don't you worry about
Honey, do you have anything to say your son?
- to your daughter about her skirt? - Sorry. He spent the first half with his hand in
- Oh, yeah. That looks really cute, his pants!
sweetheart. - Thanks. I've wanted to tell her off for the last
No. It's way too short. six weeks.
People know you're a girl. I'm Josh. Ryan's dad.
You don't need to prove it to them. Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett. Manny's mother.
Luke got his head stuck in the banister - Oh, and this must be your dad. - Her dad?
again. - Yeah. - No, no. That's funny.
I got it. Where's the baby oil? Actually, no, I'm her husband.
It's on our bedside tab- I don't know. Find Don't be fooled by the, uh-
it. Give me a second here.
Come on! Who is a good girl? Who's that?
I was out of control growing up. Who's that?
There, you know? I said it. - Oh, she's adorable. - Oh, thank you.
I-I just don't want my kids... Hi, precious. Hello.
to make the same bad mistakes I made. Uh, we just, uh- We just adopted her from
I-If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Vietnam.
Florida, half-naked, And we're bringing her home for the first
I've done my job. time, huh?
- Our job. - Right. She's an angel. You and your wife must be
I've done our job. thrilled.
Vamos, Manny! Kick it! Kick it! Sorry, sorry, sorry. Daddy needed snacks.
Don't let him- Kick it! So, what are we talking about?
Manny, go! A la derecha! A la derecha! Uh, we have been together for- guh, five-
No! No, no. five years now?
He tripped him, Jay. Where's the penalty? And, uh, we just- we decided we really
Gloria, they're 0 and 6. wanted to have a baby.
Let's take it down a notch. So, we had initially asked one of our
We're very different. lesbian friends to be a surrogate, but-
Jay's from the city. Then we figured, they're already mean

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-【1】-

enough.
Can you imagine one of 'em pregnant?
Pregnant, no.
No, thank you. Ick.
You saw that, right? Everybody fawning over
Lily,
and then you walk on and suddenly it's all,
"Ooh, SkyMall.
I gotta buy a motorized tie rack."
All right, you know, I'm gonna give the
speech.
You are not giving the speech.
You're gonna be stuck with these people for
the next five hours.
You're right, you're right. Okay. I'm
sorry.
- Look at that baby with those cream puffs.
- Okay. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
This baby would have grown up in a crowded
orphanage
if it wasn't for us "Cream puffs."
- And you know what? Note to all of you who
judge- - Mitchell!
Hear this. Love knows no race, creed-
Or gender.
- And shame on you, - Mitchell.
- you small-minded, ignorant few -
Mitchell!
- What? -She's got the cream puffs.
We would like to pay for everyone's
headsets.
Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like
this?
I thought I could get out this time.
I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be
checked by a specialist.
There. Be free.
Excalibur.
- I'm having a friend over today. - Who?
- Uh, you don't know him. - Him? Him?
Ooh, a boy. You gonna kiss him?
- Shut up. - Easy. Easy.
- Yeah, shut up! - No, you shut up!
Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside,
okay?
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-【2】-
Modern.Family.S01E01
And do what?
- Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change.
- Haley.
- I'm kidding. - Who's the boy?
His name is Dylan.
I might as well tell him not to come...
Because you guys are just going to
embarrass me again.
Sweetie, hang on a second.
You're 15, and it's the first time you've
had a boy over.
I'm bound to be a little surprised,
but I'm not gonna embarrass you.
I better charge the camcorder.
I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking
to?
I'm the cool dad. That's- That's my thing.
I'm hip. I- I surf the Web.
I text. "LOL"- Laugh out loud.
"OMG"- Oh, my God.
"WTF"- Why the face?
Um, you know, I know all the dances to High
School Musical, so-
*We're all in this together *
*Yes, we are*
*We're all stars Something, something you
know it*
- Mom! Dad! - What happened?
- Luke just shot me! - I didn't mean to.
- Are you okay? - No.
The little bitch shot me.
- Language! They're only plastic BBs. It
was an accident.
What did I tell you would happen if you got
him a gun?
- Deal with this. - Buddy, uncool.
That's it? That's- No, no, no, no.
The agreement was that if he shoots someone,
you shoot him.
- We were serious about that? - Yes, we
were.
And now you have to follow through.
- I'm so sorry. - Liar.
- Go. - He's got a birthday party.
What's more important here, Dad?
You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home
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at 2:00.
I can't shoot him at 2:00.
I'm showing a house at 2:00.
- What about 3:00? - No, he's got a soccer
game at 3:00.
And then- Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner
thing at 5:00.
4:15. You could shoot him at 4:15.
Yeah, I guess that works for me. Oh!
- "Shoot Luke." - Sorry, dude. It's on the
calendar.
Oh, come on!
I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for
children.
No, you're not quitting.
You would have stopped that goal
if you weren't staring at that little girl.
She is not a girl. She's a woman.
You know, Gloria, that little blowup with
that other mom
Why do you have to do things like that?
If somebody says something about my family,
- I'm going to - I'm just saying.
You could take it down here a little bit.
That's all.
Oh, yeah. 'Cause that's where you live,
down here.
- But I live up here! - Yeah, but,
you don't have to be so emotional all the
time.That's all I'm saying.
Manny, you're with me on this, right?
I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.
- Oh, for God sakes. - Manny, she's 16.
Oh. It's okay for you to take an older
lover?
- Hey, watch it. - I wanna go to the mall
where she works.
But first I need to get my white shirt, the
silk one.
Okay. If that's what you really want to do.
Seriously. Not to be the evil stepdad,
but if you put on a puffy white shirt...
and declare your love for a 16-year-old,
you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole
in your puffy white underpants.
- Stop the car. - Oh, where are you going?
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-【3】-
Modern.Family.S01E01
See? You hurt his feelings.
Ah- Well, if it toughens him up a little
bit then-
Oh, geez. He's picking flowers.
Manny's very passionate, just like his
father.
My first husband- he's very handsome, but
too crazy.
It seemed like all we did was fight and make
love,
fight and make love, fight and make love.
One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out
the window together.
Which- Which one were you doing?
I'm hearing this for the first time.
This doesn't worry you?
She barely slept on the plane and she's
still wide awake.
- Oh, stop worrying. - I can't.
That- That orphanage was all women.
Maybe she just- she can't fall asleep
unless she feels a woman's shape.
- I guess that's possible. - So here.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Yes,
I've gained a few extra pounds while we were
expecting the baby,
which has been very difficult.
But apparently your body
does a nesting, very maternal, primal
thing...
where it retains nutrients-
some sort of molecular physiology thing.
But that's science.
You can't- You can't fight it, so-
- I'm not saying anything. - You're saying
everything.
- Count to three. - One, two-
- Three. - Okay.
- Oh, Cam. This is beautiful. - Oh, my God.
Do you love it?
Yes, I-
What the hell is that?
I had Andre do it while we were gone.
Is that us, with wings?
We're floating above her, always there to

protect her.
Okay. Well, that's reassuring, right,
Lily?
Yes, we tore you away from everything you
know,
but don't worry, things are normal here.
Your fathers are floating fairies.
No, can you call Andre,
have him paint something a little less gay?
By the way, we need to stop having friends
with names like Andre.
- Redheaded dad is angry daddy. - No, I'm
not.
Yes, you are.
Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home
from the airport.
Okay, that's another one- Pepper.
Okay, what's up?
All right, look. I-
I- I never told my family we were adopting
a baby.
- And... - I know.
- You do? - Yeah, and I don't blame you.
I know your family.
You'd tell 'em. They'd say something
judgmental.
- Exactly. - You'd get mad.
I know. And then something that's supposed
to be nothing but joyful
suddenly turns into this huge fight.
And who wants a big, emotional scene like
that?
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm so- I'm so relieved you understand.
I invited them over for dinner tonight.
- What? - I had to.
This would have gone on forever. You're an
avoider.
No. No. No. Cam, I'm calling them right now
and canceling.
No, you're not.
You're telling your family you adopted a
baby, tonight.
And you do have avoidance issues. Even
Longinus said so.
Are- Are you really not hearing these
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-【4】-
Modern.Family.S01E01
names?
Don't answer it! I'll get it!
Hi. Hey, you must be Dylan.
- Hey. Dylan. Yeah. - I'm Haley's mother.
- Come on. Let's go. - Okay. Um-
Hang on one second.
Dylan, you're still in high school?
- Yeah, I'm a senior. -A senior. Okay. Cool.
Hey, Phil. Sweetie. Honey. He is Dylan, and
he is a senior.
You have to scare him.
Let me meet this "Playa."
Phil Dunphy, yo.
It's like that. You just- You just stare
down at 'em,
let the eyes do the work.
Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we cool,"
but your eyes are like, "No, we not."
"Nice to meet you." "No, it's not."
"It's all good."
"No, it's not."
- Okay, I see you two guys- - Wait, wait,
wait.
You two-
You two keep it real, know what I mean, son?
Not really.
- Please, stop. - That's cool.
- Ow. Oh, God! That's my back. - Oh, honey.
Sweetheart.
Ow! Oh! I slipped in the baby oil.
"Oh, where you from originally?"
"I could defeat you if it came to a physical
confrontation."
I don't know about this. Should I call a
doctor?
No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
- You're very strong, homes. - Thanks.
- Okay. Nice- Nice soft landing. - There
you go.
- Okay, let's go. Come on. - I am on my side
though.
So just flip me right back, and we're good.
We'll be good.
I just need to get flipped right on my back,
and we should be fine. So-
Brenda Feldman.

- What is that? - A poem I have written for
Brenda Feldman.
Of course it is.
I put my thoughts into words and now my
words into action.
Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this.
I'm 11 years old. What am I gonna do with
money?
What are you gonna do with a 16-year-old?
- He's like a bullfighter. - Mmm. You ever
see a bullfight?
I can't watch this. - You're in such a bad
mood.
And I know why. It's because that man
thought you were my father.
- No. - Yes.
- No. - When you say "No" like that, it's
always "Yes."
Come on. We're in the mall.
Let's get you, like, some younger clothes.
- There's a store there. - I don't need any
younger clothes.
And I don't care what some jackass
in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.
Good. You shouldn't.
You should only care what I think.
I love you, and I don't care how old you
are.
So stop being a gloomy goose and stop being
so hard on Manny.
The only reason I'm hard on Manny...
Is just because I don't wanna see him make
a fool of himself.
And I can smell that hair goo of his from
here.
Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to
him over there.
But you're his family now, and that means
only one thing-
You be the wind in his back, not the spit
in his face.
- What? -It's something my mom always says.
It's gorgeous in Spanish.
Look, he's there.
- She has a boyfriend. - Oh, I'm sorry, mi
nino.
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Modern.Family.S01E01
I gave her my heart,
she gave me a picture of me as an old-time
sheriff.
- That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it?
- No, mi amor.
It was brave. Right, Jay? Brave.
W-Well, you'll know better next time.
Come on. Let's get a pretzel.
Mentira. A me se me gusta.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
We ask that all mall-walkers stay to the
right.
Alex, get out! Mom!
Alex, leave your sister alone.
I was just getting my book. Gosh.
I know, sweetie. But you need to respect
their privacy.
- What are they doing up there? - Nothing.
Lying on her bed, watching a movie.
Okay. Okay.
Um, I'm making a cake for tonight.
You wanna help me with the frosting?
Sure.
So, you know, if Haley got pregnant,
would you ever pretend she has mono for a
few months,
and then, like, tell everyone the baby's
yours?
- What? - This senior at school was "Out
sick" for four months,
but Jenna Resnick swears she saw her
breast-feeding
at a coin-op car wash.
Buddy, what are you wearing?
- Nothing. - Uh-uh. No jacket.
One hat.
How many pairs of underwear do you have on?
One.
Six.
First of all, it would be really cool to
see Haley that fat.
And how awesome would it be
to have a fake little brother who's really
my nephew.
Haley is not getting pregnant.
- Just saying "If." - I know.

And I know you like to make trouble for your
sister,
but it's not gonna work this time.
You know why? 'Cause your sister's a good
girl.
I know. I was just like her when I was-
I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this.
But this is an important lesson that you're
learning.
So, soak it. Keep it.
You're too close. It's gonna hurt.
It's supposed to hurt.
- And why are you smiling? - I'm- What?
Oh, forget it. I can't do this.
The point is you're scared. I think you've
learned your lesson.
Mom! What are you doing?
Oh, hey! I was just, um, dropping off some
laundry.
- Is this a bad time? - Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, can you shut the door, please?
Actually, we're just gonna go ahead and
leave that open.
Why?
Because I have, uh, seen this little show
before-
Lying on the bed with a tall senior.
One minute you're just friends, watching
Falcon Crest,
and the next you're lying underneath the
air hockey table
with your bra in your pocket.
Mom!
- You hit my bone! - It was an accident!
- I thought you were my friend! - I am your
friend.
Dad! Dad, Dad. You have got to talk to Mom.
She is, like, completely freaking out and
embarrassing me!
Honey, your mom isn't always as cool about
things as-
What is with this thing?
My dad.
Uh, my dad still isn't completely
comfortable with this.
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-【6】-
Modern.Family.S01E01
Um- He-He still does this thing. It's been
five years now.
And he still does this thing where he
announces himself...
before walking into any room we're in...
just to make sure he doesn't have to ever
see us kiss.
Wish my mother had that system.
- Remember? - Not now.
I still can't believe you did this to me.
Would you get in the spirit of things? It's
a celebration.
Oh, God.
- Okay, I'm gonna go get Lily ready. - Okay.
- And I want you to just come straight out
with it. - All right.
Okay. You can do this.
Yeah. Sports guy chest bump.
- No. - Sports guy chest bump.
- Cam. Oh! All right. Go - Do it.
Sorry.
- How are you? - Hi, guys. Hey.
That looks good. Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Don't thank us. Open it. Dad is coming right
behind.
Knock, knock! We're here. Coming in!
Don't worry, Dad. Nothing gay going on
here.
May I take your multicolored coat and
bejeweled cap?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Hey, Jay.
- Gloria, hi. - Hi.
- How are you? Hi, Dad. - Hi, Gloria. How
are you?
- Oh, what a beautiful dress. - Ay, thank
you, Phil.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Phil.
That's how she says "Phil." Not "Feel."
Phil.
- So how was your trip? - It was good. It
was good actually.
But, um, about that, I- I
have something that I need to tell you guys.
Um- Uh, we didn't just go to Vietnam for
pleasure.

We, uh, kind of have some big news.
Oh, God. If Cam comes out here with boobs,
I'm leaving.
- Dad. - I hope he didn't embarrass you,
Mom.
Oh, don't mind her. Haley had her first boy
over today...
And Phil shot him.
Anyway, um, so, about- about a year ago,
Cam and I started feeling this longing, you
know,
for something more, like, uh, maybe a baby?
- Ooh, that's a bad idea. - What do you mean,
"Bad idea"?
Well, kids need a mother.
I mean if you two guys are bored, get a dog.
Okay, we're not bored, Dad.
I support you, Mitchell, even though you're
not my son.
I-I-I-I think what Dad is trying to say...
is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight.
Kids bring chaos, and- and you don't handle
it well.
That's not what Dad's saying.
That's what you're saying.
And it's insulting in a whole different
way.
Okay, people. Let's all "Chillax."
- Hey, where's Uncle Cameron? - Thank you.
Thank you.
Someone who's not insulting me notices he's
not here.
Oh, so that's the big announcement, huh?
You two broke up.
Well- Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that
anyway.
And let me tell you. You're better off,
because he was a bit of a drama queen.
No, no, no. Stop. Stop. No.
You come into my house and you insult me
and my boyfriend,
who, by the way, is not that dramatic-
We adopted a baby.
Her name is Lily.
- Exciting! - Just turn it off.
I can't turn it off. It's who I am.
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Modern.Family.S01E01
- The music. - Oh, yes, the music.
Come say hi to Lily.
Ay, miren a la princesita.
The little princess.
- She's so cute! - Thank you.
Let me see her. Let me see her.
Hi there, Lily.
"Lily." Isn't that gonna be hard for her
to say?
- Phil. - Excuse me.
Okay, I-I-I know that I said I thought this
was a bad idea.
But, uh, what do I know?
I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on
fatherhood.
Been trying all my life to get it right.
I'm still screwing up.
- Right, Manny? - I wrote a song about it
in the car.
Of course you did.
Anyway, I'm happy for you.
And, uh, you should know that, uh,
I'm not here to spit in your face,
I'm here to... blow at your back.
- I don't understand what that means. - I
don't-
Well, it's- it's supposed to sound better
in Spanish.
Oh, that's beautiful. That's really nice.
And thank you too.
Anyhow, Mitch, uh-
No, Dad, it's- it's- -
- I got her. I got her. - Oh, she's crying.
She wants her grandpa! She wants her daddy!
- Do you wanna meet Grandpa? - What? Are
you kidding?
She's one of us now. Let me see the little
pot sticker.
Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you?
Ah. Look at this.
We're from different worlds, yet we somehow
fit together.
Love is what binds us, through fair or
stormy weather.
I stand before you now with only one agenda-
"To let you know my heart is yours,
 Modern.Family.S01E01
Feldman comma Brenda."
I mean, seriously.
Luke, so far, hasn't beaten me in
basketball.
It's 2-0. 2-0. Okay. Okay.
- Get that weak stuff out of my kitchen!
- Dad, stop it!
Can you do me a favor? Just grab-
How's the weather down there?
But when the day comes that he does win-
if- you know- if/when-
he beats me, I'm just gonna be like,
"Well done. Well done."
Just, like, let him- Just support him...
in- in- in that kind of stuff.
I mean, I'd probably want to go, like,
two out of three and just see what happens
there, but-

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-【8】-

Modern.Family.S01E02
Okay, your brother's lunch is packed.
You're buying your own lunch.
Luke, Alex, come on. Let's go.
There he is. Last chance for the summer
handshake.
Dad.
Come on. We're only halfway done.
I need help.
I was supposed to keep a journal all summer.
It's due today.
Wow, first day of school and you're already
behind?
I'm dead.
All right. Tell me how far you've gotten.
Okay.
"June 21. Found a stick."
"June 22." That's it.
- That's it? - It was a really cool stick.
He's right. It looked like a snake.
Getting everybody out of the house in the
morning
can be really tough,
especially the first day of school.
From the minute we get up at 7:00
till we drop 'em off at school, it is go,
go, go.
I get up at 6:00.
I get up at 5:00.
Seriously. I get up at 6:00.
That's you? I thought we had a raccoon.
I can't believe my little boy is going into
the fifth grade.
He used to hold my finger with his little
hand
and look at me with those big eyes.
Mi nio pequeo, Jay.
Yup, they grow up.
Come on, Manny. Let's get going.
How's my hair?
Hold on. What are you wearing there?
That looks like an old Christmas tree
skirt.
It's a traditional Colombian poncho.
I want my new classmates to know
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-【9】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
I'm proud of my heritage.
I think you look very handsome. Lindo.
Oh, really? Am I driving him to school
or is he gonna ride his burro?
*You are a cutie pie, yes, you are*
*You are a cutie pie*
Are you still baby-proofing?
Everything we own is pointy.
Why is our daughter dressed like Donna
Summer?
She is not Donna Summer.
Clearly she's Diana Ross from the R.C.A.
Years.
How is daddy not seeing that?
I really thought you were done with this.
I made no such promises.
- I guess I'm somewhat of a shutterbug. -
Yes.
And my new favorite model, of course, is
Lily.
I just completed a series of photographs
of her dressed as various pop icons.
Let's see.
I've done Olivia Newton-John.
I've done Madonna, the early years,
Stevie Wonder-
Yeah, there are days when Lily has more
costume changes than Cher.
Cher! How could I forget Cher?
That's embarrassing.
That's embarrassing?
Honey, you moving out?
Five more years.
A little help here?
This is why we suggested the violin.
A cello is more in demand in university
orchestras.
- You know what's not in demand? - Oh, what?
Girls who play in university orchestras.
- Here, I'll help you carry it out to the
curb. - Okay. Here.
Phil, put on some pants.
Come on! This covers up more than my bathing
suit.
And don't remind me.
Haley, honey-

Don't forget, the driving instructor is
picking you up from school.
Can't he pick me up someplace else?
I don't want kids at school thinking I'm
dating...
a 40-year-old driving instructor who's not
even cute.
Haley just got her learner's permit.
We've been taking turns driving with her.
One of the really standard rules of the
road...
is we want to keep a safe distance
between us and the car in front.
- And that is not safe right there. Not safe.
- Right.
- Okay, merge. - I-
Merge. Merge! Merge! Merge! Merge!
Stop it! You're freaking me out!
This navigation system is all messed up.
It thinks we're in a park.
Oh, my God! It is a park!
- Away from the kids! - Oh, my God!
- Aim for the lake! - I wanted-
Makes you realize we're all just hanging
by a thread.
The last thing Manny needs on his first day
of school...
is you "undermelting" his confidence.
- Undermining. - Now you're doing it to me
too.
I'm sorry,
but there's only two places anyone should
wear a poncho-
Niagara Falls and log rides.
You think too much about these things.
I wear all sort of daring outfits all the
time,
and people admire them because I wear them
with the confidence.
Yeah, I'm sure it's the confidence they're
admiring.
I just- i just think it's a little
over-the-top.
You know what? You need to loosen up and
have fun.
I am loose. I'm fun.
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【10】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
Remember, uh, breakfast for dinner last
week?
My idea.
Ever since we brought Lily home, you've
been tense.
All you do is put child locks on things,
read parenting books.
Would you please stop and- Here, just hold
your daughter.
Hold her and relax.
- All right, sweetheart, come on. - Just
relax.
Aw, sweetheart.
Did you put hair spray on this?
Just a little bit. I'm gonna put some music
on.
No, Cam, I have to go to work.
- Dance with her. - Come on, it's not time
for this.
Put a little boogie in it.
Oh, come on.
Just dance. You know you love this song.
This is actually a really good song.
All right. Okay.
Who's a dancing queen, huh?
Put a little boogie in it.
See? Fun, right?
Oh, my- Was that her head?
No, I think if it was her head, she would
be-
Yeah, it was her head. Okay. Okay.
Yes. Yes, I know.
I got Boo-boo Bear from the freezer.
Why do you have chocolate on your face?
It was under a pie.
So you ate your way to it?
I made a judgment call. You weren't there.
- Do you think she's all right? - She didn't
cry that much.
Maybe that's a bad sign. You know,
we should try and make her laugh.
- Why? - 'Cause that's how we'll know she's
okay.
Where's... uh... where's Doggy?
Doggy. Doggy. Here, Doggy.
Okay. There you go.

But it's a dog.
Yeah, I know. That's why it's funny.
I don't think it's as funny as you think
it is.
Can we please just call your sister?
No, no. Cam- Cam- - Why?
So she can be all judgmental and
condescending,
like she's the expert and
I don't know how to take care of a baby?
Mitchell, she is your family.
Of course she's gonna be judgmental and
condescending.
Hello?
Hey, hi, um- Not a big deal. Just wondering.
When your kids were small, did you ever-
I don't know- smack their heads into a wall?
Usually we just gave time-outs.
No, no, accidentally.
Um, we just kind of bonked Lily's head.
It wasn't very hard and she's not acting
any differently,
but I just worry-
Relax. It happens.
Luke used to bang his head all the time and
he's fine.
Okay, all right, thank you. Thanks. That
helps. Okay, okay.
We gotta take her to the doctor. Load up
the car.
- Gloria? - I'm here.
I, uh, just dropped Manny off at school,
and I realized...
I just dropped Manny off at school.
Oh, boy.
And I was hoping we'd still have a few more
good years
- before the mind started to go. - No, what
I'm saying,
we have the day to ourselves, the first time
in months.
We should take advantage of it.
Go to the club,
nice lunch,
some massages.
- What about work? - I'm the boss.
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【11】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
Since I married you, people are surprised
I come in at all.
Jay's very spontaneous.
He's always surprising me with little
presents, fun getaways.
I wasn't the greatest husband the first
time around,
but I'm trying to do better this time.
And maybe by my third marriage, I'll have
it down pat.
Yeah, that one's gonna cost me.
What ya reading there? A book?
Yeah. I've been meaning to get to it for
a while.
Ooh, it's got a map at the beginning.
I like it when books do that.
Don't you have an open house this morning?
I rescheduled.
Thought you might like some company.
Well, the first day of school can be tough
for stay-at-home moms.
Now, you have to understand,
the kids are gone, the nest is empty.
They are rudderless.
And a lot of guys wouldn't even notice,
but I'm not a lot of guys.
I listen with my mind,
and if you pay attention, women will tell
you what they want...
by telling you the opposite of what they
want.
Like the other day, Claire was, like, "You
have to move your car.
There's no space in the garage for both of
our cars."
And what she's really saying is that,
you know, I should probably get a sports
car.
I was sort of looking forward to a quiet
day.
Thought I'd just read, maybe go for a run
later, that's it.
Great. We'll run together.
You don't have to do that.
I know.
Listening.

The thing is, I like to run alone.
And I run kinda fast, so-
- So? - So I'm not sure you're gonna be able
to keep up with me.
- You're kid- you're kidding, right? - No.
You really think I can't keep up with you?
I'm not sure you can keep up with this
conversation.
I think you're forgetting that I power-walk
every morning...
and that I wear my special shoes with the
big soles,
which were designed by a doctor.
Yes, I know. But I run every day.
You really think you can run as fast as me?
No, Phil, I think I can run much, much
faster...
than you.
Boom. Just like that, the whole day
changed.
It was game on. She knew it.
I knew it. We both knew it.
I just wanna read.
I think I'II order what I had the last time.
What was that called?
You want me to say it
- because you want me to roll my R's. - Come
on!
Reuben.
- Jay, what is this? - Oh, looks like my
old car cover.
Don't give me that. This is Manny's poncho.
What is it doing here?
Maybe he decided to take it off on the way
to school.
What did you say to him?
Nothing. I... told some jokes.
You say plenty with your jokes.
Jay, he looks up to you.
He respects your opinion.
We dodged a bullet on this.
Trust me. I've been down this road before.
I remember one time Mitchell
decided to wear a jaunty scarf to school.
I kept my mouth shut.
He got his jaunty butt kicked.
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【12】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
My dad has this perception that I was very
flamboyant as a kid,
which is just- it's nonsense,
because I kept the whole gay thing very
under wraps.
You know, I was just a guy's guy.
I was basically a jock.
You know?
So we should crush Manny's spirit...
and destroy everything that makes him who
he is.
I'm just saying,
it's no fun to see your kid get picked on
every day,
getting tormented just because he's
different.
Now I'm telling you, it rips your heart out.
Well, Batman doesn't get picked on and he
wears a cape.
A poncho is just a cape that goes all the
way around.
Batman doesn't get picked on because he's
a muscular genius.
Manny can't make it to the top bunk.
We're taking this poncho to Manny at
school.
It's important that he knows we support
him.
And then we go get those massages, because
that sounds good.
I always take the stairs two at a time.
I don't even think about it anymore.
The regular way would seem weird.
Phil, let it go. I'm faster than you.
If only there was some way we could settle
this once and for all.
But how?
You seriously wanna race me?
I ran a half-marathon last year.
Wow. I'm half-scared.
Okay, we do need to do this. I'll go change.
Not now. I got a conference call. But how
about after that?
- Great. This afternoon. - Sweet.
Two at a time, two at a ti-
Son of a- Gotta fix that step!

Two at a time! Already at the top, so-
Hi, I'm Dr. Miura. I'm on call today.
Looks like we have a little head bump.
Yeah, it happened a couple hours ago on a-
on a doorjamb.
We used to do this thing in school...
where they would give you an egg and you
couldn't break it.
And it was supposed to teach you how hard
it was to be a parent.
But the real thing,
I-it's so much harder. You know?
We did that in my school too.
Didn't turn out so well.
I went through a dozen eggs.
Yeah, well, he's a nervous eater.
No, I broke a dozen eggs.
I'm sorry. I just assumed that-
I know.
I know what you assumed.
There doesn't seem to be any mark.
- Well, her head was somewhat protected.
- Protected?
- Was she wearing a-a hat? - Yes, yes, like
a hat.
It was a wig, actually. Sort of a
ghetto-fabulous Afro thing.
I thought it might be medically relevant.
Really?
You thought "Ghetto-fabulous" Might be
medically relevant?
- Maybe I should just finish with the exam.
- Yes, thanks.
You'll be pleased to know that Mitchell and
I intend on
raising Lily with influences from her Asian
heritage.
That is fantastic.
Have you noticed any vomiting since the
head bump?
Uh, no. No, no, no.
We've hung some art in her room. Some Asian
art.
And then when she's ready for solid food,
there's a fantastic pho place...
right around the corner from our house.
第 5 页 共 7 页
-【13】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
Am I pronouncing that right? Is it pho?
It's a soup.
I don't know. I'm from Denver.
We don't have a lot of pho there.
Uh, just to be sure,
could you show me how hard Lily got hit?
And use your head.
Um, yeah. Really, it was- it was just sorta,
like, uh-
- You know? - Could I see that again?
Um, it was just- just a head bump, you know.
- How are you feeling? - Uh, fine.
So is Lily.
Babies are designed to survive new parents,
so stop worrying.
You guys are doing great.
Thank you.
Denver.
I don't see any ponchos,
which means either the kids don't wear them
or the ones who do wear them disappear.
We're doing the right thing.
I support Manny no matter what.
Children need to know that you believe in
them.
It's the most important thing.
If you tell them they have wings,
they will believe they can fly.
Oh, really?
I had a buddy, went to Woodstock,
believed he could fly. Didn't end great.
It's why hotel windows don't open anymore.
Is something wrong? Who's died?
No one, Manny.
Why would you even think that?
In Colombia,
Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary
School.
If you were pulled out of class,
it was definitely to identify a body.
Well, we got your poncho here.
I thought you said it made me look like
my neck was wearing a dress.
That was a joke.
Oh, good! It's still in the pocket!
- What do you got there, buddy? - My pan

flute.
I'm going to play some colombian folk music
for my new classmates.
Huh. Great.
I have never been more proud of you.
I'm sure your friends are gonna love it.
- Break the flute. - What?
The poncho by itself is fine.
The poncho, plus the flute,
plus the stupid dance-
my son will die a virgin.
That's right.
Hey, sport, can I take a look at that
whistle?
Oh, geez. Look at that.
- And now you stepped on it! - What?
What's wrong with me?
- Here, let me get it. - Thank you.
- You know, actually, maybe you should do
this. - Why?
I don't want to bump her head against the
door,
you know, pinch her with the seat belt.
Mitchell, how long are you gonna beat
yourself up over one mistake?
Is this going to be like the blond
highlights all over again?
I just- I think I suck at being a father.
What are you talking about? We're new at
this.
Yeah, but you're such a natural. I mean,
look at you.
You walk into the room and she lights up.
Y-You change her diaper with one hand. I-
Nice. I-I'm actually jealous of you.
There are so many things that you do that
I can't.
Y-You baby-proofed the entire house.
You took care of all the adoption
paperwork.
Without you, we wouldn't even have a baby
to injure.
Just a couple of forms.
Actually, that was a lot of paperwork.
And you got her on all those preschool
waiting lists.
第 6 页 共 7 页
-【14】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
Can't believe you were gonna wait until she
was "old enough."
You see, that's what makes us a great team.
We each have our own strengths.
- Now, who are amazing parents? - We are.
- I can't hear you. - We are!
- Don't you forget it. - Okay.
Did we just lock our baby in the car?
Did you put the keys in the bag?
I put the keys in the bag.
Oh, Mitchell,
I told you not to put the keys in the bag!
Come on! Don't freak out!
Lily, it's okay!
*A-B-C-D-E-F-*
What, are you singing to her?
People get arrested for this, Mitchell.
*H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P*
- Do all four doors lock? - Do you have a
phone?
What?
I didn't say anything.
Couldn't hear ya. I'm cranking one of my
mash-ups.
There they are.
How was the first day back in prison?
- Fine. - Yep
What are you guys doing?
Your mom and I are racing
to the mailbox on Sequoia and back.
- Why? - I don't know.
Oh, she knows.
Hey, buddy. Soon as I'm done kicking a
little Mom butt here,
how about I school you in some Mario Kart?
Can't. Gotta work on my journal.
Lame!
Hey, uh, Alex. You?
Uh, I have a history paper.
Well, if you wanna see a little history
being made right here-
- Not really. - Okay.
- Ready? - Are you?
I was born ready.
- I came outta the womb wearing tiny little
golden wings- - go!

I'm breaking the window!
Emergency assistance. This is Trina.
Help! We I- We locked our baby in the car
and people are judging us!
I swear to God, I'm gonna break it!
Do not break the window! You'll get glass
on her!
Sir, please tell your wife to relax.
- Everything is going to be okay. - That's
a man.
Really?
Don't worry, Lily! Daddy's coming for you!
Sir, we just sent the signal.
- The door should be unlocked now. - Check-
Check the door.
- Check the door. Check the door. - It's
not unlocked!
Okay.
That is amazing. How did they do that?
I don't know. It's just- We got it.
- Thank you. - Did that come from space?
I run five miles a day.
I have a resting heart rate of 48.
There is no way I'm going to lose
a two-mile race to Johnny Ski Pole.
Saving my energy, drafting off of you.
You feeling cocky?
Yeah, I am.
Love it.
But after seeing that T-shirt, I realized
something.
The first day of school is tough on all my
kids,
especially the one I married.
Afterburners engaged!
Whoo! Don't choke on my smoke!
And down the stretch he goes.
I don't believe it!
Daddy wins! Do you believe in miracles?
U.S.A., u.S. -
- Oh, no! - Oh, Jesus!
Oh, my- What was that?
- Was that a person? - I'm good!
- Dad? - I'm good.
- Honey, are you okay? - I'm good. Whoo!
You're getting better, sweetheart.
第 7 页 共 7 页
-【15】-
Modern.Family.S01E02
Did I lose the race to make him feel better?
Maybe.
But it just seemed like he could use a win
today.
We do strange things for the people we love.
We lie to them, we lie for them.
There may be some bumps along the way,
but we never stop wanting the best for them.
That's what makes it such a tough job.
Kind of the best job in the world.
- What are you doing? - Turn your eyes on
the road!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
- Okay. - Okay.
All right, sweetie, this happens.
Remain calm. That's the first thing.
Pull over right here. I'll get out the
registration.
Mom, I don't like cops.
Ok, pull over right there.
I don't like cops.
All right, there's a space right here...
- I can't pull over. No, I can't. - You need
to pull over!
- No can do. No can do! - Phil!
- I got priors. - I'm speeding up.
Phil, you-
Parking ticket from the mall.
I never paid the parking ticket.
Keep moving, sweetheart.
Dad's with me, I can speed up and-
It's not a movie, Hayley, and pull over!
 Modern.Family.S01E03
the school.
Modern.Family.S01E03 - What? - Mm-hmm.
What's the key to being a great dad? That's horrible.
Ah, that's a tough one. - Dad, watch out! - Whoa! Watch it, buddy!
Giving them the freedom to be whatever they - Grandma. - I'm sorry.
want to be. That still looks like a girl's bike.
- Right. Exactly. - Whether that's a We'll add more black tape.
painter, My son has been riding his sister's old
a poet, a pilot, a president- bike.
And for us, we're gonna Until he's responsible enough to take care
of a company or of a country. of his own bike.
Patience. Look, he spilled a soda on my computer,
Well, be their buddy. he ruined our digital camera
- That's your answer? - And stay in school. taking pictures of himself underwater.
- No. - And don't do drugs. It's a girl's bike. I'm all for teaching
No! him a lesson.
- Just give me the answer. - 0h, God. But I worry about the ridicule he might get
Still thinking. from some loudmouth bully.
- Hi, Claire. - Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Nice bike, Sally.
- Hey. - Oh, okay. Dad!
Hi. Um, this is my husband, Phil. Come on. He looks like Little Bo Peep on
- Hi. - And, uh, that's my son, Luke, right that thing.
there. Actually, not for long. He's getting a new
- This is - Desiree. bike this afternoon.
- Desiree, right. Sorry. - Oh, hi. - I am? - Mm-hmm.
- Desiree just moved in down the block. - He is?
Fun. Where? Sometimes a man's gotta put his foot down
- 314. - Oh! and do what a man's gotta do.
The two-bedroom cottage with the And if the old lady don't like it-
indoor-outdoor family room. Honey?
Very good. How did you- That's too damn bad.
Bet you're lovin' that steam shower. Yes. Who's excited, huh?
Phil, that's creepy. Cam, come on. Hurry up. We're gonna be late.
0h, sorry. I'm a- I'm a real estate mogul. It's a toddler play class, not a flight to
"What?" No, I'm a- I am a real estate agent. Cabo.
We caravanned that house. Great, uh, deck. We're gonna be judged enough as the only
Thanks. I'm just there till my divorce is gay parents there.
final. I don't wanna be the late ones too.
No, who is coconuts enough to divorce you? Wow! Paisley and pink.
We gotta go, but we'll see you around. Was there something wrong with the fishnet
We'll have to have you over sometime. tank top?
- I'd love it. - All right. Obviously not. I'm wearing it underneath.
- Bye. - Bye. Kidding. Just chill, please. Here.
- She's awesome. - No, we are never having I'm sorry. I just wanna make a good first
her over. impression.
Heard she already slept with two dads from You wanna fit in and not terrify the

第 1 页 共 7 页

-【16】-

villagers?
Hey, come on.
Today is about Lily, all right?
Her future best friend might be in that
class,
and I don't wanna rub anyone the wrong way.
Can you please just change your shirt?
Fine. You know what?
I'll just go put on a pair of khakis,
maybe a polo shirt, and everybody will
think
we're a couple straight golfin' buddies...
who just decided to have a kid together.
Hey, I called that place in Napa and
got us upgraded to a villa with a hot tub.
So pack whatever you wear in a hot tub.
I usually wear nothing when I'm in a hot
tub.
And my college roommate's wife just had to
get a new hip.
Sucker.
Manny's father is taking him for a couple
of days to Disneyland,
so we're gonna go to the wine country.
We're gonna drink some wine, eat some good
food.
You know, we would do something like this
a lot more often if it wasn't for, you know,
Manny.
- He's good. He keep us grounded. - Yeah.
Like fog at an airport.
Limo gets here at 4:00.
This morning, I thought I'd go to the club,
hit a few balls.
No! What about the fan in Manny's room?
0h, yeah. Call a guy.
No! You're supposed to do it with him.
It's important that we teach him how to do
things for himself.
In my culture, men take great pride in doing
physical labor.
I know. That's why I hire people from your
culture.
You're too funny.
I'm gonna share that one with my next
husband
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【17】-
Modern.Family.S01E03
when we're spending all your money.
- Dad, this is the coolest bike ever. -
Awesome.
So, listen, buddy.
Certain members of this family
don't think you can take care of this bad
boy.
- You mean Mom? - Your words, not mine.
Look, uh, your mom and I are a team,
and she- we feel like this is a chance
for you to show some responsibility.
Don't make us look like jerks here.
- I won't. - Okay.
- One more rule. - What?
Have, like, three butt-loads of fun.
Thanks, Dad.
- So let's do this. - 0kay, but I need to
be done by 3:00.
That's when my dad's picking me up.
Hey, if we're not done by 3:00,
I'm gonna tie a noose on this thing.
In Colombia there's a saying:
"If you have two stubborn burros that don't
like each other,
you tie them to the same cart."
The ceiling fan is the cart.
My dad's taking me on Space Mountain.
It's supposed to be really fast, but he's
not scared of anything.
He doesn't even wear a seat belt when he
drives.
Wow. How 'bout that?
- Killed a bear once. - Really?
Was the bear sittin' in the passenger seat?
Read me the instructions.
"Safety tips. Warning: To reduce the risk
of electrical shock"-
We can skip that.
Uh, "Failure to heed these warnings
can lead to serious injury or death."
You know, you worry too much. You know that.
Nobody's gonna get shocked.
One time my dad was struck by lightning.
That's why he can drink as much as he wants.
Manny thinks his dad is like Superman.
The truth? He's a total flake.

In fact, the only way he's like Superman...
is that they both landed in this country
illegally.
I can't believe I'm so nervous.
They're gonna love us. Let's just be
ourselves.
0r a slightly toned-down version of
ourselves.
I just don't want this to become an episode
of "The Cam Show."
- 0h, my gosh. People love "The Cam Show."
- Yes, I know.
- You watch "The Cam Show." - I do watch
it.
- It's appointment viewing. - Okay.
- Hi! - Hi! Are you here for Toddler Time?
Yes. I-I'm Mitchell. This is Cameron.
- And this here is Lily. - Hello.
0h, well! Welcome.
We're all over here taking turns blowing
bubbles.
Well, how nice for... the babies.
Mm-hmm.
This is gonna be really difficult.
Ten minutes after making a promise to me,
he leaves his bike unlocked.
All I can hear is Claire's voice in my head-
"He's not responsible.
You never should have given him a bike."
I know. I do a pretty good Claire.
So I decided to teach him a lesson...
and let him think his bike was stolen.
And I know that sounds kind of rough,
but sometimes it's a dad's job to be the
tough guy.
Excuse me! Thank you.
On your left! My left. Your right!
Everyone, we have a new family joining us
today.
Hi. I'm, uh, Mitchell, and I am a lawyer.
I- I'm Cameron, and I'm currently not
working,
which gives me more time to grill and shoot
baskets and-
And this is Lily.
Okay, we're gonna start with the Hello
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【18】-
Modern.Family.S01E03
Dance,
and then we're gonna move on to blocks, then
finger painting,
and then we're gonna do our Family Dance.
All right. Who wants to start us off?
Dance us in, P. J.!
- She's adorable. - Oh, thank you.
- Seven months? - Uh, eight.
0h! Is she grabbing or scooting yet?
Yes. Absolutely.
I mean, when she's not grabbin', she is-
she is scootin'.
Dance us in, Tyler!
Are you ready? Okay. Here we go.
Cam, Lily is not grabbing or scooting yet.
Well, she's not doing it yet, but she will
eventually.
No, but, see, a lot of these other kids,
they're- they're grabbing.
I-I just- Here. Come-
Lily. Look at the block, huh?
Grab the block, Lily.
- Grab the "H." - Dance us in, Lily!
- Okay. I got this. - Cam, just-
Yes, I know. Tamp down my natural gifts
and dance like a straight guy.
No slapping your own butt.
But that's how I make my horsey go.
Thank you.
That was very good.
I feel dirty.
- 0h, hey. - Hey! Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
Uh, this is really embarrassing,
but I locked myself out of my house.
0h! Pssh! I do that all the time. Don't be
embarrassed.
I was- I was hoping you could help me.
There's a window open, but I can't reach
it.
Would you mind?
- Yeah. Yeah. Sure. - Great.
0f course. You know what they say-
"Every time God closes a door, he opens a
window."
0r I guess in this case, every time he locks

you out.
Okay, what do we got here?
I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes.
Would I ever act on it? No. No way.
Not while my wife is still alive.
Are you sure I can't get you something to
drink?
Yeah. No, I'm- I'm fine. Really.
If I knew a man was gonna climb into my
bedroom window,
I would have cleaned up a bit.
Are you kidding me? It smelled great in
there.
Like lotions and oils...
for... dry skin and, you know, calloused
hands.
Yeah, it's a candle.
- Uh-oh. - What's wrong?
- The bike's gone. - Oh, no.
- Can I help you find it? - That's all right.
Thank you.
0kay. Thank you!
So, to teach him a lesson, I took his bike,
and then- crazy thing-
I put it down for one minute, and someone
swiped it from me.
Maybe that was your dad teaching you a
lesson.
Zinger.
So, any chance I could, uh, get a break on
this one?
- I can throw in a bell. - Deal.
- For five dollars. - No, sir.
So, you wanna go for the insurance this
time,
or is it still for suckers?
Got me again.
Well played, milord.
I will take some insurance. Thank you.
What's going on in there?
- That's not step four. - Don't worry about
it.
- It says right here that you should- -
That's worrying about it.
I thought you guys might need a drink.
0h, you have no idea.
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【19】-
Modern.Family.S01E03
Manny, miamor, I have to go get some stuff
for our trip.
Ay! But have some fun with your father,
okay?
And I'll see you Monday. Mwah!
It makes me so happy to see my two boys
working together.
- Jay shocked himself twice. - 0kay, Manny.
- Well, I warned him. - Yep, he's been a
big help.
Look at you two with your private jokes
already.
You're a regular Salazar and El Oso.
It's a very big comedy team in Colombia.
El Oso is always hitting Salazar in the head
with the ladder and things.
And sometimes they wear dresses. Hmm.
They make you laugh, but they also make you
think.
You blew it. You made me look bad.
No, you made your mother and I look bad.
We are a team.
- Luke, you in there? - Hey, Dad.
Hey. Hey, buddy.
That was, uh- That was pretty fun today,
huh? Getting a new bike.
- Yeah, it was awesome. - So, uh, what
happened after I took off?
- Anything you want to share with me? - Not
really.
So, if I, uh, went out to the garage,
took a picture for a scrapbook, there'd be
no surprises?
I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it. I just made
a mistake.
Yeah, a big mistake!
You're making me look really bad here.
I told Mom you were ready for this.
It's just a scratch, Dad.
That's not the point, Luke! What?
I scratched it on my way into the driveway.
I'm sorry.
So, it's not stolen?
No. Why?
That's good,
'cause... there are bad people out there

who would steal a bike.
Those are thieves.
You sit there and think about the scratch
part.
That's not good either.
I gotta fix that step.
So don't scratch anything while I'm gone,
unless it itches. That's different.
The good news is, Luke has his bike.
More good news-
I taught some random kid a valuable lesson
by stealing his bike.
Best news- Claire knows nothing.
So, I figure I'll just dump the new bike
where I stole the first bike.
That way, random kid gets his back,
and this new bike doesn't raise a lot of
embarrassing questions...
like why I had it
or who boosted who through a bedroom
window.
So, everybody's happy.
Ah, son of a- You gave me the wrong
screwdriver.
Maybe you're just using it wrong.
My dad's great with tools.
He can get the wheels off a car in less than
a minute.
Just get me to wine country. Just get me
to wine country.
Sorry!
- I think my arm is broken. - Relax. It's
not broken.
How do you know? You don't know anything.
You have no concern for safety.
- Because it didn't hit you that hard. -
Why don't you just say it?
- You don't want me around. - You know what?
Right now, I don't!
I don't wanna be with you either. I'm gonna
go wait for my dad.
0h, but- but if you leave, how will I ever
finish?
You know what? I wish you never married my
mom.
- I hate living here. - You think I like
第 5 页 共 7 页
-【20】-
Modern.Family.S01E03
this arrangement?
I got a two-seater parked in the driveway!
I mean, I don't understand.
Why are you trying to sneak around and hide
things from me?
- I actually think it's pretty funny. - You
do?
I do. Yes.
I mean, you steal a bike from some poor kid,
and then the bike gets stolen from you.
It's hilarious.
- Classic me, right? - Yeah!
So, where were you when it got stolen?
Oh, I was getting some gas.
Uh-huh. You don't stand near the car when
you get gas?
Yep, but, uh, I went inside to get a soda
because I was thirsty,
and if I had a soda, I wouldn't be thirsty
anymore.
So I bought one, then I drank it all right
there,
which is why I don't have the can.
Well, honey, please, let's try to remember
that I'm your wife, not your mom.
So in the future, you don't need to hide
things from me. Okay?
- 0kay. - Okay.
- 0kay. - Oh! Oh, yeah.
- You get back here, you! - What are you
doing, Phil?
I just love ya so darn much!
- I know. I love you too, but that hurts.
- Let's get you inside.
- Hi. - I know. That's hurting a lot.
- This is a hot one. - Hello! Hi there!
- Hi again. - Oh, hi.
I, uh, found your bike.
Oh, good! You-
- At the gas station? - No, at my house.
One of my neighbors saw it and put it in
my garage
when you were in my bedroom, so-
Classic me?
Come on, honey. Grab the block.
See, like he did. You gotta do that.

- You gotta grab it like him. - So, seen
any movies lately?
Uh, yeah.
You know, my husband and I just rented,
uh, Mamma Mia! Which I liked,
but I don't know that Meryl Streep was the
right choice.
What did you think?
Excuse me.
Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the
right choice.
She's perfection...
whether she's divorcing Kramer, whether
she's wearing Prada.
Don't even get me started on Sophie's
Choice.
I get emotional thinking about it.
She couldn't forgive herself.
I guess she was okay.
Really? Ooh.
Grab the blocks, sweetheart.
- You're not even interested in it. - Is
Henry stacking?
Good job, Henry!
Good job!
W-X-Y and Z
Now I know my-
Whoa, Lily! Oh!
Not so high. Wow!
- That is a big moment for her. - Yeah.
Would you like a videotape?
Uh, you know, I don't-
I don't know if I can actually get her to
do it again, so-
Well, we tape all of our classes.
We don't like parents bringing cameras in.
It keeps them out of the moment.
I'll get you a copy after class.
That's super. Yeah. Great. Thank you.
Cam. Cam, let's go.
I don't know what's happened to me,
but I just stole a baby's intellectual
property.
- What? - You'll see it tonight on the news.
- Come on. Let's just go. - Oh, look who's
here!
Modern.Family.S01E03
- Anton and Scott! - Sorry we're late!
Don't look at me. The eye candy here can't
leave the house...
without spending 20 minutes in front of the
mirror.
Are you kidding me?
I am so sorry.
Look at those queens. I would have killed
with this crowd.
But you had to clip my wings-
which you used to be the wind beneath.
I know. I'm sor-
This class has turned me into a complete
monster.
I'm- I'm just- I'll make it up to you. Let's
just go.
Okay, it's time for Parents Dance.
Everybody dance for your baby!
You wanna do it, don't you?
I do.
I wanna dance for my baby.
- All right. Go on. Get in there. - You sure?
Make that horsey move. Go ahead.
Go, go!
0h, I think I hurt myself.
Hello. Hey, Javier.
Manny's waiting for you outside.
What? Why not?
Hold that thought.
His son's sitting on a curb, waiting to go
to Disneyland,
and Superman can't drag himself away from
a craps table,
and I'm the jerk.
Say, listen.
I, uh-
- Sorry, but I got some bad news. - What?
Your dad couldn't make it.
Why not?
The plane was full,
and this old lady needed to get home, so
he gave up his seat.
- You're making that up, aren't you? - No.
He just didn't want to come.
Are you kidding me? He was very upset. He
was dying to see you.

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-【21】-
 Modern.Family.S01E03
In fact, look what he sent.
- A limo? - Yeah.
He wanted me and your mom to take you to
Disneyland.
- I told you he was an awesome dad. - Yeah,
he's a prince.
Okay. The key to being a good dad?
Sometimes things work out just the way you
want.
Race you to the end.
That is not a good idea... for you.
Sometimes they don't.
You gotta hang in there.
Because when all is said and done,
90% of being a dad...
is just showin' up.
Hey! That's my bike!
Oh, I don't, uh-
Well-
- You- - I was giving it back!
She couldn't forgive herself.
And...
she had to choose.
I think because now I have-
we have- we have-
we have Lily,
it's so hard to imagine being put in that
position.
If I had to choose Lily or Mitchell,
I mean, I would choose-
I don't know! I don't know!
I don't know!
I don't know!

第 7 页 共 7 页

-【22】-

Modern.Family.S01E04
Riley Morton coming up now.
Kelly at second. Started the inning with
a double.
That seems like an hour ago.
- Honey, I thought you were gonna take out
the garbage. - I am.
High fly to right. Hooking, hooking- Foul.
- Phil. - Yes. Getting it.
I was- I was gonna get it.
- Dylan. - Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Um, I'm just waiting for Haley.
- Did you ring the bell? - I texted.
She said she'd be down in just a minute.
- Oh, great. Tell her I said "Hi." - I will.
Dylan! D-Money!
Chillin' with Dylan the villain!
- "D" To the "Y" To the- - Hey, Mr. Dunphy.
Hey! Come on in.
You're just in time to catch the end of the
game.
Oh, I'm not really a baseball guy.
Haley says "Hi."
I was just being facetious.
Come on. I'll catch you up.
Sit it. Park it.
Come on. I don't bite.
Kidding.
I'm kidding.
Okay. See that guy? He's the tying run.
Interesting story about him.
He's been stuck on second base forever,
and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal
third,
which is just a terrible, terrible idea.
How are you and Haley doing?
I wish I could stay home with you and fly
toy airplanes.
These aren't toy airplanes, Manny.
These are models, and they're very
complicated.
You wanna fly one of these, you gotta be
familiar with airfoil,
drag, lift and thrust-
and these are all principles of
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【23】-
Modern.Family.S01E04
aerodynamics.
The box says "12 and up."
What?
You can fly toy planes with Jay next time.
- Today you have to spend time with Luke.
- Why?
Because his mother invited you, so you go.
Family needs to be close. Right, Jay?
I'm pretty sure this is a typo.
Men need their hobbies. Manny's father had
many hobbies.
Like hiking in the desert,
that kind of skiing that they drop you from
the-
How do you say in English?
- Helicopter. - Yes.
Once, on a dare, he even boxed with an
alligator.
"Wrestle." You wrestle-
You can't box with alligators.
Are you sure?
How would they get the gloves on those
little claws?
- Aren't they like tiny little hands? - No!
Okay, now I forgot what we're talking
about.
Anyways, hobbies are important for the men,
whether you're risking your life...
or flying little planes from a safe
distance.
Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
Uh, we're just gonna buy some diapers.
It'll just take a second.
- This is Costco. - Yeah, which is where
we buy diapers.
Since when?
Do you remember when we adopted that baby
a few months back?
Since then.
Mitchell is a snob.
No. N-No, I-I'm discerning.
Official slogan for snobs.
When we first met, he wouldn't even look
at me...
because I was a hick from the farm in
Missouri,

and he's a big city mouse.
Who says "City mouse"?
Country mice.
- I think I'm gonna go wait in the car. -
Okay.
Hey, if you're on your way out, can you grab
the garbage?
- I got it. - Okay. We got it.
- He's a little jumpy. - Oh, go figure-
a teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with
his girlfriend's dad.
Thought we were past all that.
I'm all about-
- I'm all about taking it to the next level.
- Really?
- Thought you were all about keeping it real.
- Yes.
But the whole point of keeping it real is
so you can take it to the next level.
Did you really not know that?
You haven't exactly taken it to the next
level with my dad.
What are you talking about?
We've been married for 16 years,
and you still walk on eggshells around him.
What? Are you kidding?
Jay and I are total buds.
You-You want to just hang out?
Brought six friends, so that just-
That's-
Manny brought his favorite game to play
with Luke.
It's called Empire.
You use strategy to expand territories and
take over the world.
Luke is gonna love that. He's out back
playing.
Do you need me to get you something while
I'm out shopping?
That's such a nice offer, but I think we're
good. Thanks.
Okay. What about this?
You don't even say "Hello" To Gloria and
Manny?
Hi, Gloria and Manny. Okay, Mom, what about
this?
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【24】-
Modern.Family.S01E04
- No. You're wearing a dress. - Mom, come
on.
What? It's gonna kill you to look like a
girl for one afternoon?
But it's a wedding for some friend of yours
I never even heard of.
It's non-negotiable. You can borrow a dress
of Haley's again.
No.
That sends an ugly message- that I'm Haley.
You know, instead of trying to force me to
wear a dress,
why don't you worry about getting Luke to
wear some pants?
What? Why does he do this?
Luke!
Pants! Come on!
Jay and I are buds, for sure-
but with kind of, um, an invisible
asterisk.
Um, he's not, uh- He's not a talker.
Or-Or a hugger.
Once he ran over my foot with his car.
To-To be fair, he had just given up smoking,
but basically we're-we're buds.
Do you have to just stand there?
You're making me feel uneasy.
Oh, for God's sake. Sit here. Here.
Hold this wing like this while I adjust
this.
Okay.
Come on. Here.
Not too hard.
Alex, why don't you come shopping with me?
Maybe I can help you find something that
you like.
That's a really nice offer, but it's not
really her thing.
Actually, I'd love to go.
See, you don't know what my thing is.
You have no idea what my thing is.
I know what your thing is.
Your thing is to provoke, just like your
sister's thing...
is to never come out of her room,
and your brother's thing-

Well, there's your brother's thing.
Luke! Put 'em on! Mm-hmm.
The thing about me and Jay is our
relationship's...
always been stuck in that,
that primal place where it started.
You know, he's the old silverback
protecting his females,
then along comes this younger, stronger
gorilla swinging in,
beating his chest.
You know, naturally, the ape ladies come
running,
presenting their nice scarlet behinds.
Papa ape wants to stop all that, but he
can't.
You know? That's-That's life. I'm not the
enemy.
The enemy is poachers.
That'll do it. Don't touch it.
All right.
- You wanna go fly it? - Sure.
Oh. Hey, I got the toothpaste and the soap.
Good. Now we can open that general store.
I thought we were just here to get diapers.
We had a saying on the farm:
as long as you're bringing the mule to the
market, you-
I feel you rolling your eyes at me.
We met at one of Pepper's legendary game
nights.
I remember Mitchell because
he kept rolling his eyes every time I would
get a little boisterous.
I did not.
A little bit.
Yeah, maybe a little bit.
Anyway, we were- we were playing charades,
and I had no idea how to act out my clue.
And all I could think of to do was-
And without missing a beat, Cam says-
Casablanca.
- All I did was this- - Casablanca.
Casablanca.
Can we just please get the diapers and get
out of here?
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【25】-
Modern.Family.S01E04
Fine, but I wanna stop by the wine section
first.
Wait. There's a wine section?
Yeah, a really good one- just past the
tires.
No way. They do not have- Oh, my God.
Oh, my- Cam. Cam. The paper shredder I
wanted.
Huh? Confetti and crosscut.
Yep.
Oh, my God. Amazing.
Yeah.
Cam, what is this place?
Those cookies smell like heaven. Your own
recipe?
No, I just throw 'em in the oven.
And added the secret ingredient of caring?
Sure.
So, you and Luke having a good time?
I don't know. He won't come out of his box.
Maybe I'll just stay here and spend some
time with my sister.
Oh, right. I guess technically I would be
your stepsister.
My mother says we are never to use the word
"Step"
Because it means "Not real."
And we are a real family. Mmm.
So what is the matter, Claire?
- What? - You seem sad.
It's just stuff with Alex.
You know, kid stuff.
Kids.
You don't have to tell me. My school is full
of them.
I was thinking after lunch we can go and
do a little shopping.
I'm not getting a dress.
I don't care. I'm not your mother.
I know. You're my grandmother.
Step-grandmother.
Anyways, today, think of me as a
girlfriend.
Two girls out for an afternoon of fun.
What do you usually do with your
girlfriends?

I don't know. We go out. We talk, drink
wine.
- Can I drink wine? - No.
Some friend.
Well, you can still talk to me about
anything.
Yeah, adults always say that, but they
don't mean it.
When my mom says I can ask her anything,
I really can't.
She just freaks out.
I won't freak out. Shoot.
Okay.
How many men have you slept with?
Eight. Next.
- Now can I try it? - No.
I should get one of those. I've always loved
planes.
If things had gone a little differently in
my life,
I think I would have been a pilot.
Hey, what would happen if you turned the
remote off
and then back on real fast?
Yeah, you'd have been a great pilot.
So, can you do a- Can you do a loop-de-loop?
If I wanted to.
No way! Can I try it?
No.
I can see why you like this. It's so
peaceful.
It's like the whole world just...
disappears out here.
- I remember this one summer- - I'll tell
you what.
There's another trick called "Threading
the needle."
I used to do it with Claire and Mitch when
they were kids.
- You wanna try it? - How's it go?
You grab one of those hoops over there...
and go to the far, far, far end of the
field...
and stand there, and I fly the plane through
it.
Um, that sounds awesome!
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【26】-
Modern.Family.S01E04
- And then I get a chance flying it? - No.
Okay.
How's this?
Not far enough. Go on.
- Okay. Further down. - You can't go too
far.
Right. Okay, I get it. I get it.
- How's this? - Good.
Now stand still. Don't move.
Okay, let's do it. Whoo!
Whoo! I love it!
I love... it!
You drove a plane into my face.
You must have moved. I told you to stay
still.
- I didn't move. - Try not to talk.
I want to make sure nothing's broken.
Alex and I can't just disagree.
I mean, she has to turn everything into a
fight.
Hmm. A strong, independent woman.
Sounds like somebody else I know.
I was never hostile though.
I mean, this whole thing with the dress-
Never had this problem with Haley.
Maybe Alex doesn't want to compete with her
big sister.
Maybe she's trying to create her own
identity.
Put her in a dress, and she disappears.
For one afternoon?
I wouldn't give up being myself for even
one second.
Sometimes it's hard to remember you're only
10 years old.
- And three-quarters. - Yeah.
Hey, it's Mitchell. Do you guys eat olives?
Olives?
- Really good olives? - Yeah.
You got it.
Mitchell, I found the diapers. They're over
here.
Cameron, guess what I found?
Coffins.
They sell baby formula and they sell
coffins.

You can buy literally buy
everything you need from birth to death.
Oh, my God. Look at these diapers.
Look how cheap they are!
Oh. You know what we should do?
We should get enough for the next year or
two, right?
Where would we keep them?
- They sell sheds. - Really?
You want to buy a diaper shed?
We're those guys now? The guys with a diaper
shed?
Just grab two more.
I'm not grabbing two more, Mitchell.
It's time to go.
Come on, come on. We need, uh- Hey, excuse
me.
- Where did you get that flatbed thing? -
Over there.
- Go grab one of those. - Really?
Yeah. Get two.
I'm in the applesauce aisle.
So, anyways,
after charades, we went out for coffee.
And I learned that he loves art.
He plays the piano. He speaks French.
- Un peu. - You see?
I-I misjudged him.
Yeah, I'm sort of like Costco.
I'm big, I'm not fancy, and I dare you to
not like me.
Yeah, and I'm kinda more like that, um-
What is the name of that little shop we went
to in Paris?
You are such a snob.
Casablanca.
I have a small flower on my ankle...
and a tiny little butterfly on my... thigh.
How high up?
- Pretty high. - Did you do it to look sexy?
No- - Did you do it for a guy? Does Grandpa
like it?
No, no and yes.
That's gross
- Let's go back to your piercings. - No,
no, no.
第 5 页 共 7 页
-【27】-
Modern.Family.S01E04
I've answered enough of your questions.
Now it's your turn to answer one.
What is it?
Why you don't want to wear a dress?
Because I don't want to look like Haley and
her stupid friends.
I wear dresses and I don't look like Haley.
You are Haley, just 40 years older.
- Ten. - Twenty.
Deal. Alex, why are you fighting me on this?
Just- It doesn't matter if I dress up.
I'm not pretty like Haley and you.
- That's ridiculous! You're beautiful. -
I'm not.
But that's okay. I'm the smart one.
The cute busboy doesn't know that you're
smart.
What?
He's been smiling at you every time he comes
to the table.
He does not!
Why do you think we are the only people with
bread?
Look. One day you're going to want to date
a cute guy like that.
And when that day comes, you're going to
want to look beautiful,
and then you'll wear a dress.
So, you ever kiss another girl?
That's no way to talk to your grandmother.
Was my mom hard on me growing up?
Yeah, she was.
But you know what? Back then
everything was Betty Friedan and Gloria
Steinem.
They didn't understand-
- Hola! We're back. - Hello.
- Hey, how'd it go? - It was great.
- Did you have fun with Luke? - Well, not-
We had a great time.
Alex, I've been thinking, and...
if you don't want to wear a dress to the
wedding,
it's not the end of the world.
It's all right. I bought one.
Do you see how she has to provoke me?

We'll talk about it next week.
Claire!
Clear the way. Coming through. Ow!
Coming through. Easy. Easy, fella. Ow!
- I need to rest my face. - You're fine.
You'll be all right. Hang on.
- Oh, my God! - Get the door.
Ah! Dad?
Little accident. Nothing big.
- I was in a plane crash. - What happened?
We were threading the needle, and somebody
moved.
No, I didn't. You did it on purpose.
That's the painkiller talking.
He's a little loopy.
- How bad is it? - Well, the wing is cracked,
- the propeller's bent, but I can- I can-
- I mean Phil.
- I was in a plane crash. - Thanks, Dad.
I didn't ask him to be there. He insisted.
He took a chance. This is what happened.
Kind of like the time you ran over his foot.
You ran over his foot?
- That was an accident. - You know, Dad,
you did it on purpose.
We all saw the tire marks on the lawn.
I had just quit smoking.
See, you're upsetting your husband.
- Water. - I'll get it.
Ay. You okay?
Gloria! Thank God you're here.
Don't worry. I'm here too.
Who's this?
Wasn't my fault.
I have seen you thread the needle a million
times.
You never miss.
Yeah. I must be getting old.
Why don't you just admit it? You never liked
Phil.
Put that down. You do not get a cookie.
I like Phil.
It's just that sometimes he tries too hard,
you know?
And it's just kind of- irritating.
Okay, maybe he tries too hard
第 6 页 共 7 页
-【28】-
Modern.Family.S01E04
because you make zero effort with him.
You know what? In the 16 years that we've
been married,
have you one time told him that you liked
him?
- Not in those exact words, no. - No.
Not in any words, Dad.
How do you think that makes me feel?
You've never told your son that you love
him?
Whoa, whoa. When did we jump to love?
And he's technically not my son.
- Ah. So that means that you don't love
Manny either? - Sure, I do.
I mean, believe me, when I was in that park,
I really wished Manny was there.
For what?
So that you could fly the plane into his
head? Huh?
Dad, thanks so much for bringing Phil home.
I found one of your little flaps in his hair.
So-
Actually, this is called an aileron.
- It controls... - because that's what
matters right now.
Bye, Dad.
- Hey, Phil. - Jay.
What are you, made of china?
Phil, I just want you to know I'm sorry.
And whether I, uh, missed or you moved-
- I didn't. - either way.
I just want to say that I like you.
- Really? - Yeah.
What do you like about me?
You're a nice guy.
Try real hard.
I do.
And you're a good dad.
Hey, I'm a good dad. Come here.
Come here, you.
This feels so right.
What's going on?
There was a little accident,
but Jay's telling Phil how much he loves
him.
Oh. Well, that's nice for Phil.
 Modern.Family.S01E04
That's great,
since he's never said anything like that
to my boyfriend.
- Let it go. - No, it's not okay.
No, Mitch is right. Go in there too, Cam.
Come on.
You're kidding.
- Jay! - I'm gonna get this.
- Come on in, Cam. - Just a little hug.
- Get in here. - Say it.
- Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! - Say it! Say it!
I like you too, Cam.
- What do you like about him? - Oh, jez.
Where did you get that camera?
Only the greatest store on earth.
Thanks, Dad.
Manny, picture! Get in there too.
Get in here, mi amigo. Oh!
Stay still. Say "Cheese."
- Don't push it. - Cheese!
Picture.
- Cheese! - Cheese. Queso.
Oh, boy!
Doesn't it feel like these arms could go
around the world?
I think I strained something.
I always wanted a daughter-
to dress her up in pretty dresses,
do her hair, her nails, her makeup.
No one knows this, but for the first year
of his life,
I made up Manny like a girl
and told everybody that he was my daughter.
Ay, but just for a few times.
I didn't want to mess with his head.
When he found the pictures,
I told him that it was his twin sister who
died.

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-【29】-
 Modern.Family.S01E05
Grandma!
Modern.Family.S01E05 Mom. Mom, what are you doing to her legs?
Jay, I'm home. Tai chi. I did it every day in Sedona.
Did Manny call? Cameron, you should try it.
No, because he's fine. Mitchell's mother has a problem...
It was a slumber party, not a gang fight. with me.
I just want him to fit in. Last Christmas, for example,
I'm gonna take a shower. Do you care to join she gave me a piece of exercise equipment
me? and a lettuce dryer.
You know, honey, there's a gun in the So, to recap,
footlocker in the garage. I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond
If I ever say no to that question, earrings,
I want you to use it on me. and she gave me a hint.
Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack. And living in Sedona has been
- All dressed in black, black, black. - Shh, transformational.
shh. I get up every morning, and I go to a Vortex
- What's wrong? - With silver buttons, meditation site...
buttons, buttons. and work with a shaman to
All down her back, back, back. finally understand how to live my
Why aren't they trying to hurt each other? spirituality.
I don't know, but I'm afraid to move. Yikes.
- You're really good at this. - Thanks. And I've learned that
What is happening, Claire? the only way I can move to the next level
What do you think? of my awakening...
Now, that is a scone. is if we all can somehow...
No butter. Nonfat. get past...
Shut up. the incident.
I'm gonna go check on Lily. Oh, no.
- Surprise! - Mom! The incident.
What's that? Oh, boy.
Sounds like a bird hit the window. I would like to congratulate Jay and the
Oh, God. That's a bad sign. lovely Gloria.
Ow! That hurt, jerk! I'm very happy for them.
Ow! I'm gonna kill you, stupid! I wanted a big, beautiful wedding with
What happened? Jay...
Now I'm sad. because my ex-husband and I got married...
- Hi, honey. Mmm! - Hi. I, uh- in a tiny little office of a judge in
I- I didn't know you were in town. You Colombia.
didn't call. My mother wanted to go to the wedding
Well, I couldn't wait to see your new baby. to show everyone how okay she was with all
Where is she? of it,
- Mitchell, who was that? - It's my mom. so I convinced Dad and Gloria to invite her.
Oh, yeah, right, Who warned you that that was the worst idea
'cause the last time she was here, ever?
the refrigerator magnets rearranged Anyone?
themselves into a penta... Anyone?

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-【30】-

Of course, I've-I've moved on.
I was supposed to come with a date,
but he just hurt his back,
which is very ironic because he's young
and-and healthy.
My mom started drinking...
these cocktails called "Horny
Colombians"...
with some of Gloria's uncles,
whom apparently the drink was named after.
Oh, come on. They were funny.
They kept patting my butt.
Somebody's full of herself.
It's a- It's a Colombian wedding tradition,
they said.
I would like to make a toast.
Yeah. Nanna got totally wasted.
Uh, it was really funny.
Then it was gross.
To the bride and the groom- my ex.
Thirty-five years we were together,
and he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off
with Charo.
That's a joke.
Seriously, I knew they were perfect for
each other...
when I saw his wallet and her boobs.
Take your hands off me!
- Mom. Mom. - Oh, relax, Mitchell.
What, did you take your Claire pill?
- No, no. - Let's just go get a little fresh
air, okay?
And then it got weird.
- I'm Gloria! I'm Gloria! - I got her.
Kiss me! Oh, hey, kiss me!
No! Oh, geez.
Nanna is really strong.
Ayayayayay! Ooh! Ayayayayay!
During my vows to my first husband,
drug dealers burst in and assassinated the
judge.
This was way worse.
What can I say? I drive women crazy.
It's too soon, I guess.
Everybody is going to be there, Mom!
I don't care.
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-【31】-
Modern.Family.S01E05
Your father and I are not about to let you
drive two hours to go to a concert...
and then spend the night with a bunch of
boys,
especially that 17-year-old hormone you're
dating.
It's totally supervised.
Oh, really? By whom?
By Spencer Patine's uncle.
Who's Spencer Patine?
You know Spencer- the guy with the arm.
Wait. What kind of arm?
What is that even mean?
His uncle is Uncle Toby.
Oh, Uncle Toby. I'll be sure to include that
in my Amber Alert.
- Oh, my God! - Okay. Can I step in here?
I think I can help.
Haley, what your mom is worried about...
is you getting your heart broken
when Dylan goes off to college next year.
- He's not going to college. - That's not
what I'm-
He's not going to college?
He's in a band, okay? They're going on tour.
Oh, this just gets better and better.
Why are you always on me about everything?
- Because you need to understand... - Okay.
Everybody, calm down!
Let's start from the beginning.
What's wrong with Spencer's arm?
Mom, I'm home!
Ay, baby! Did you have fun at the slumber
party?
You must be exhausted.
No, I'm not tired at all.
I was the first one to fall asleep.
What's on your face?
A smile from having such a good time with
my friends.
No. Come here.
Look.
That's why they were laughing.
I thought it was my funny take on current
events.
Why would they do something like that?

Don't worry about it.
Guys pull pranks like that all the time.
You just gotta prank 'em back.
You just gotta show 'em
you're willing to give as good as you get.
What do you think?
Revenge.
I like it.
Well, Mom, instead of dredging up the whole
incident,
maybe we should just try and repress it,
like a- like a normal family.
I can't. I need closure.
I'm about to embark on a new journey.
I met a man.
Really?
His name is Chas,
and he's asked me to come live with him in
his foreign land.
Wow. Where?
Canada.
You're moving to-to Canada?
French Canada.
That's wonderful.
It is wonderful.
It's just that when I think of all the awful
things...
that I said to Gloria and Jay and you and
Claire,
I feel such guilt.
Give it time, and see Banff.
Cam, please.
I just can't give myself to him sexually.
- Okay. Mom. - Did not see that coming.
Oh, oh. Don't get me wrong.
We satisfy each other down there-
- Oh! Can't.. - Don't wanna-
That's why I need everyone's forgiveness.
I need your help, Mitchell.
Did you hear that, Mitchell?
Your mom needs your help to make love to
her new man, Chas.
That's not weird at all.
Mom, I-
I'm just not really sure what you're asking
me to do, Mom.
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-【32】-
Modern.Family.S01E05
Well, everyone's mad at me.
Maybe you could pave the way so that I can
apologize.
Well, um, you know,
we are actually all supposed to have Sunday
dinner tonight,
so maybe I could go around and ask everyone
if it's okay for you to join us.
Oh! I knew I could count on you.
Oh, my beautiful boy. Mmm.
I love you so much.
There's a fish in nature
that swims around with its babies in its
mouth.
That fish would look at Mitchell's
relationship with his mother...
and say, "that's messed up."
Boy-
Things with your mom got pretty intense
down there, huh?
All like East Coast-West Coast. You feelin'
me?
Act like a parent, talk like a peer.
I call it "Peerenting."
I learned it from my own dad, who used to
walk into my room...
and say, "what's up, sweathog?"
Honey, I would love to let you go to the
concert.
Are you kidding me? I think concerts are
rad.
Hello? I was a Hall-Raiser.
A what?
I followed Hall & Oates around the country
one summer.
"Rich Girl" Just spoke to me.
I was dating this girl. Not- Not dating.
I guess I was following her too, kind of-
Okay, Mom just doesn't trust me, and it's
not fair.
She trusts you. It's just that weird stuff
happens at concerts.
- Boys get urges. - Ew.
Dad, is there something you want?
Yes, there is- to connect with this girl
right here.

Now, come on. Pretend I'm not your dad.
We're just a couple of friends kickin' it
in a juice bar.
What's a juice bar?
Okay, a malt shop. Whatever.
- Dad, I don't... - No. Who's Dad?
Who's Dad? I'm- I'm Marcus from Biology.
Hey, Haley. How's it going with you and
Dylan?
Has he tried anything inappropriate with
you?
Girl.
Hey.
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
Nothing.
Just talking to some dork I met in a malt
shop.
Hey, Mitchell. What's up?
Hey! Just in the hood.
Do you- Do you remember how Mom gave up a
career to raise us?
Promising career.
Oh, God.
Claire?
Mom.
Why so long?
I know, I know. It's weird when we haven't
talked for a while.
I mean your hair.
Well, if I can't tell you, who will?
So, Mom wants you to know
that she's very sorry about the incident,
and-and she wants us to forgive her.
How very nice of her to say that through
you.
Do you see?
The sarcasm is so hurtful, like a whip.
You know how growing up,
we all have that voice inside our head...
that tells us we're not good enough?
Well, mine was outside my head,
driving me to school.
Uh, so- so anyway,
Mom really wants to smooth everything over
with Dad and Gloria.
So I was thinking, uh, would it be okay
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-【33】-
Modern.Family.S01E05
if she maybe joined us for dinner tonight?
Because it may be the last time you ever
see me.
- Well... - Okay. Wait, Mom.
What are you talking about?
Well, I'm- I'm moving...
to a far and dangerous place.
Canada. But, uh, she met a man named Chas.
- Yeah. - He's a logger.
Uh, like a lumberjack?
No, he logs blood samples into a
cholesterol study.
Anyway, until I'm past this whole wedding
debacle,
I can't be intimate with him.
We do things to each other.
- We use our hands. - Oh, my Lord.
Hey, Nanna.
Oh, my little comet!
Oh, look at you. You're all grown up.
Hmm. Tell Mom that.
She won't even let me go to a concert.
Overnight, with her boyfriend.
What are you laughing at?
Oh, karma's a funny thing, that's all.
- Remember Ricky? - Oh, God.
Ooh. Who's Ricky?
No one.
Ricky was your mother's boyfriend,
and he looked like Charles Manson.
And one night, she didn't come home until
4:00 in the morning.
4:00. Wow. Wow. Mom, what were you and Ricky
doing?
Nothing. We were doing nothing,
and he was a very sweet boy,
which you might have known if you bothered
to get to know him.
Dylan's a sweet boy.
Dylan. Dylan isn't Ricky.
Ricky- Ricky was a poet.
Dylan writes songs.
Awesome songs.
And maybe you would know that
"If you bothered to get to know him."
Okay, you know? First of all, I am not my

mother.
I don't judge people before I get a chance
to know them.
So you invite Dylan over to dinner tonight,
and if he's as sweet and as kind as you say
he is,
then I have no problem considering letting
you go to the concert,
after I do a background check on Uncle Toby.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mom.
I'm gonna go call him!
That's very revealing.
That's my parenting style.
- No, I meant your blouse. - Mom!
Claire, wait. Come...
Not making this easy.
Claire, come on. Stop, stop, stop.
Just let her come to dinner, apologize to
Dad and Gloria,
and she and Chas can live happily ever
after.
- In Canada. - In Canada.
Wait. Why don't you make her fix this,
instead of you doing it as usual?
Whoa. What's that supposed to mean?
Mom makes a mess, and there's Mitchell to
clean it up.
That is so not true.
If anything,
you're the one with the screwed-up
relationship with Mommy-
- With Mom. - Wow.
- "Mommy"! - No, I didn't say it-
- Damn it. - Ooh. Fine. Fine.
- She can come, but she's gotta clear it
with Daddy. - "Daddy"?
- I did not say "Daddy." - You said "Daddy."
Hey, Dad.
Mitchell, what are you doing here?
Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Can I talk to you and Gloria for a second?
She's out dealing with a Manny situation.
He set a kid's bike on fire.
Why?
Oh, I might have told him to get even with
some kids,
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-【34】-
Modern.Family.S01E05
and he went all Rambo with it.
Not my best parenting moment.
Not your worst.
What's up?
- Uh, well, you know, uh, Mom's in town.
- Your mom?
No, your mom. She's back from the grave.
Yes. Yes, my mom, Dad.
My mom would be less scary.
Listen, she's a wreck about what happened
at the wedding,
and she wants to come to dinner tonight to
apologize to everyone.
Still her little errand boy, I see.
No- Why does everybody keep saying- No.
I- I'm just trying to piece this family back
together.
So, you'll talk to Gloria about Mom coming
to dinner?
Oh, Gloria would never go for that in a
million years.
She's still furious with your mother,
which is why I'm not talking to you.
What did I do?
This conversation never took place.
That's not very nice.
I drove all the way here.
No, you didn't. You were never here.
You never even called.
I would've called,
but I thought it would be better-
What's happening here?
Listen, I would love to get this thing
behind us,
but Gloria would never forgive me
if I pulled a fast one on her.
That's why you're going to pull a fast one
on her,
and I'm not going to like it one bit.
Okay, that's just great.
No, that's great. So, it's all up to me.
I can't hear you because you're back home,
and I'm taking a nap.
- D-Money! There he is. - Hey.
- Come on in. - Hey.
- Hi. - How you doing?

Good.
Um- Uh, hey, everybody.
- This is Dylan. - Hey.
- Hi, Dylan. - Hey.
He has a very gentle soul.
You got that from "Hey"?
So, Dylan, see you brought the ax.
- Yeah, yeah. I just came from practice.
- Sweet.
Miss those days.
Oh, you were in a band?
Could have been, but in high school
I was really all about my magic, so-
Oh, my God. Over.
Oh, that's gonna be Dad and Gloria.
Oh, Mitchell.
I know it's silly, but...
I'm a little nervous.
Oh. That's not silly. You should be.
- Hola. Hola. - How are you?
- Manny? - Phil.
- Nice mustache. - Thank you.
Don't make fun. He may burn your house down.
Oh, boy.
Dede.
Hi, Jay, Gloria.
What is she doing here?
What does she mean, "What is she doing
here?"
- Mitchell told you I'd be here. - Lies!
I couldn't tell her, because she wouldn't
come.
Gloria, uh, my mom wants to apologize for
everything.
So you just spring it on Gloria like this?
Mitchell, what the hell is wrong with you?
I don't want her apologies.
Who could blame you, honey?
Which is why this is a terrible idea by you!
Jay. Manny. Let's go.
Oh, wait, wait, Gloria.
I- I just want to tell you
how sorry I am for ruining your wedding.
I was struggling with being alone.
Meanwhile, Jay moves on so easily,
and-and not with just anyone-
第 6 页 共 7 页
-【35】-
Modern.Family.S01E05
with a...
young...
and smart and beautiful woman.
I don't expect you to forgive me.
If I were you, I'd want to punch me right
in the mouth.
I think we've had enough revenge in this
family for one day.
Ah. Okay. Y- You see?
Yeah, we're all gonna move past this, and
because of me,
who's not a mama's boy, but is
a caring person with wisdom and emotional
insight.
So make a note, bitches.
It's not a good color on you.
I forgive you.
I am not prepared for this.
I just-
I- I wanna
- rip your head off! - What?
What are you doing?
- You ruined my wedding! - Oh, no!
Oh! I got Gloria!
- I got Gloria! - Mom, come on.
Unbend your legs.
I got Gloria.
Stand up like a big girl. Come on.
All right. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, the
two of you.
- I am so sorry about this. - No, it's cool.
It's cool.
This is ridiculous. Gloria didn't steal me,
Dede, and you know it.
We grew apart for years,
and you left to find yourself, remember?
I thought I could handle this.
I'm so sorry.
You don't say sorry anymore!
- That word means nothing in your mouth!
- I got Gloria.
I don't know what just happened.
I do.
I mean, it seems pretty simple to me.
You're reaching out, trying to hold on to
something awesome.
 Modern.Family.S01E05
Um, maybe- maybe you shouldn't... She's so not going.
Look, look, look. I'm not used to this- Not a chance in hell.
the whole big family thing. *They don't seem to mind*
In my house, we don't even talk to each *The moon is shining on your fa-a-ace*
other. *And it finally feels it's*
You know, it's funny- the first time I saw *Found its place 'cause*
Haley, *Baby, baby*
I knew I liked her. *I just wanna do you, do you*
I mean, she's beautiful and everything, *Baby, you can do me, do me*
but it's-it's not just that. *And I will do you, do you*
It's that she's got this killer confidence- *Maybe it would heal you heal you*
you know, the kind of confidence *From the inside*
that you get from having a family like *- From the inside - From the inside*
this... *- From the inside - Inside*
that's passionate... Never good at harmonizing.
and accepting of hot foreigners... That was good.
and gay dudes and nutty people.
You know,
a family that actually loves each other.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but maybe we should let her go with him.
He's perfect.
Everybody, Haley says that Dylan is a
musician,
and he writes some great songs.
- Yeah. - Play something, bro.
Well, I guess so, if you want me to.
We could all use a nice tune right now.
This is, uh, actually a song I wrote for
Haley.
It's called "In the Moonlight."
- Lovely title, Dylan. - Thanks.
*The stars are falling from the sky*
*And you're the reason why*
*The moon is shining on your face*
*Cause it finally feels*
*It's found its place*
*Cause baby, baby*
*I just wanna do you do you*
*Do you wanna do me, do me*
*Underneath the moonlight the moonlight*
*Baby, baby*
*Maybe I will steal you Uh, steal you*
*Just so I can feel you feel you*
*Maybe that would heal you heal you*
*On the inside*

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-【36】-
 Modern.Family.S01E06
street smart.
Modern.Family.S01E06 Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Let's go, buddy. Schooltime. Oh, he's just... He's just curious. That's
Oh, and Gloria, if you want to get together all.
with the girls later, He's got this almost scientific mind...
I could just, you know, watch the football with a thirst for knowledge.
game or something. He's like this little Einstein.
That means he wants to watch a football Some people ask, "Why?"
game. Luke asks, "Why not?"
I'm not talking to you. I ask "Why?" a lot.
What are you drinking coffee for anyway? We're at the ten. We're at the five.
It's my culture. I'm Colombian. We're at the one. Daddy, we're scoring a
Oh, yeah? What part of Colombia touchdown!
are those French toaster sticks from? No, please... please don't spike our baby.
Babe, I'm not sure about the game. Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?
The whole family's coming over for the She's a referee.
barbecue. Do... Do we even have to go to my dad's
- That's today? - See. tonight?
It's the Ohio State game. Are you kidding me? We're playing Ohio
So? Everybody can watch. State.
I don't like watching the game with people I collect antique fountain pens.
who don't know the game. I'm quite adept at Japanese flower
People talk. arrangement-
You talk at my football games. ikebana-
For one thing, it's called soccer. and I was a starting offensive lineman at
Your team scored two goals all season. the University of Illinois.
I'm not taking a big risk. Surprise.
How much of this did you drink? - I don't like football. - You know what?
Give me a break. I have to climb a rope I thought part of being in a
today. relationship...
- Hey, Mom. - Yeah? was pretending to enjoy your partner's
Can I have $40 for lunch? interests.
Forty dollars? Do you think I really loved home
- I also need a book for school. - What book? pickle-making?
I want a dress. Yeah, 'cause you did.
Do you have any idea what a bad liar you For a week,
are? until we became the weird guys who gave
I'd be more worried that everybody pickles.
she couldn't come up with a single book Oh, thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into
title. your lovely home.
Luke, come on. We're late. Here. Would you care for a sack of pickles?
Mmm, there's a first- inside out and It was charming.
backwards. We were picklers, Mitchell.
At least it isn't zipped into his... Okay, you know what? Fine.
Oh. There it is. Stay home with your little jagged scissors.
Well, there's book smart, and then there's Maybe catch up on your scrapbooking.

第 1 页 共 7 页

-【37】-

Come... You loved scrapbooking.
Did I, Mitchell? Did I?
Stop. Don't do the "Double question to
prove a point" thing.
I hate it when people do that.
Do you, Mitchell? Do you?
Stop, Lily.
No problem. We'll be right down. Thanks.
Hey, honey. What's up?
The school just called. Luke got in a fight.
Oh, geez. Is he okay?
Yeah, he's fine, but they want us to come
down there.
- Where are you? - I'm showing a house.
What house?
I'm golfing.
I bet it was that Durkas kid.
I hate that kid.
He probably jumped on Luke
and Luke just fought back.
- Kid's a menace. - He made fun of my hair
once.
Shh. The parents are probably in there.
I slept on it funny.
Like that never happened to him?
Come on.
What are you doing here?
These two knuckleheads were fighting each
other.
- What? - Could've been worse.
I was not ready to face Durkas today.
So what happened?
Well, apparently there was some
name-calling
and shoving on the playground.
By the time a teacher separated them,
Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
- Luke, that's not like you. - Wait a
minute.
- You're Luke's father? - Grandfather.
- So Manny's father is... - Javier.
Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.
- Okay, you're... - He's our son.
- And my grandson. - I'm his daughter.
- So you're... - His uncle.
Stop saying that or I'll sit on your chest
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【38】-
Modern.Family.S01E06
again.
Ho! Wait a second. Is that what this was
all about?
He keeps calling me his nephew.
You are my nephew.
- Shut up! - Okay, okay.
I'm getting the sense that you're all
related, uh, somehow.
So it's probably best if you work this out
at home...
so the boys can go back to class, okay?
But we're not happy about this, boys.
This is not how mature young men behave.
Here's your note for Miss Passwater.
Look, I wouldn't worry. They're good kids.
It's just tough when one kid's a little
different.
- Yes. - Yes.
You heard how she said that, right?
"Yes."
She thought Luke was the weird one. Luke.
Her kid gets his head stuck in the
furniture,
and Manny is the different one.
I will tell you what's weird.
Our son is not weird.
What's weird is that her kid wears
aftershave
and dresses like a count.
I think we should cancel with them for the
barbecue.
If we cancel, it'll just make this a bigger
deal than it is.
It'll be good for Luke and Manny to spend
some time.
- Might be good for you and Gloria too. -
Why?
She's always had a problem with me.
I think I'm gonna find out what it is.
That's the worst thing you could do.
Just sweep it under the rug.
- I'm not a sweeper. - Trust me on this.
I think you two need to talk it out.
I don't have anything to say to her.
She's the one with the problem, not me.
Whose side are you on?
 Modern.Family.S01E06
She's my daughter. You're my wife. Okay, everybody, the food's in there. The
Let's remember what's important here. drinks are in there.
There's a football game on. - I'll be in here. - Hold on, Jay.
I just hate it when my two girls aren't I think we should address the elephant in
getting along. the room.
How exactly is she your girl? Uh, Luke, Manny. Bring it in.
I got a few things for the party. Come on. Huddle up.
Is Lily ready to go? Football.
Oh, yeah, yeah. She's ready. Now in light of what happened at school
What's wrong? today,
I'm just really worried about C.J. do you have any feelings you'd like to
Hightower. express?
With the bad ankle, I think this is the proper forum...
I don't know how he's gonna run his corner For god's sakes. All right, both of you.
routes. Now, in this family, do we kick and punch
What did my boyfriend just say? each other,
Listen, I heard what you said, and I thought, or do we love each other?
yes, Love each other. That's right.
I should try to learn more about football. I'II be in the den.
That is very mature of you. So, I brought dessert.
I figure, if football fans can learn it, Okay. Thank you.
how hard can it be? I make pie too.
That's very elitist of you. You can never have too many pies, right?
I'm taking baby steps here, all right? Okay, whoa. Whoa.
I'm actually- I'm really looking forward Everybody take a deep breath.
to it. Let's think about getting real.
'Cause it's not just the game. Phil, no.
It's-It's the bands and the drama, the Why "Phil, no"?
pageantry. What is Phil doing?
Don't forget about the team mascots. I'm just gonna say it.
They wear ascots? There's tension between you two.
No. Mascots. With an "M." Bam. It's out there.
That could have been very embarrassing. I'm gonna kill you.
Okay. I think he's right, and I think we should
Am I straight? talk about it.
I'm not sure what you are right now. That's what I'm talkin' about...
How ya doin'? you two talking... about it.
- Hey, Gramps. - Hi, beautiful. I like football.
Hi, Phil. Good to see ya. Haley hates it, which is weird
Let me guess. Game's on? because it's all boys... and there's no
Just started. reading required.
Hey. For you. Do you know that she spends
It's nice to see you, Gloria. at least 45 minutes every morning doing her
Ah! Two times today. hair?
- Okay, well... - Uh, Phil? And then sometimes...
She means we've seen them two times today. Let's go, Illini!

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-【39】-

Let's go! Right now!
Looks like I gotta watch the game with Dick
Butkus.
Dad! Dad, come on. That's offensive.
Mitchell, he's one of the greatest
linebackers
to ever play at Illinois...
and one of my personal heroes.
And his name is "Butt-kiss"?
We're just choosing to...
Okay. All right.
Dad, I thought you were being homophobic.
I'm sorry.
- We got all night. - Yes, we do.
- Are you joining us here? - Yeah.
Jay, you know what? He's been studying up.
I gotta tell ya, I'm a little worried about
C.J. Hightower.
Right? With the bad ankle?
I'm wondering how he's gonna run his corner
routes.
- Hightower's out. - What?
Oh. Then who is gonna run the corner routes?
I'll tell you who it won't be- Billings.
That's low. He's in jail.
Oh, wow. Yeah. Then no.
Double tight end,
it's gonna be a quarterback roll-out to the
left.
- They're gonna run it. - No, trust me.
He's got the slot.
In the end zone! Touchdown!
Lucky call. Maybe they, uh, should've
considered blitzing.
Blitzing wouldn't have helped them. Get
outta here.
Oh, gosh. Blitzing.
So, my interest in football ended as
suddenly and dramatically...
as the climax of West Side Story.
I'm a musical theater fan.
Surprise.
Okay. The truth?
I sometimes feel like you don't like me.
Powerful, powerful stuff.
Claire? Tell us how that makes you feel.
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Right now, I'm feeling a lot of anger.
No, don't tell me. Tell her.
Gloria, right now, I'm really angry at
Phil.
Let's respect the process.
Gloria, I don't know
why you think I don't like you.
Sometimes when you see me, you make that
face.
What face?
Like this.
- I do not make a face like that. - Oh, my
God.
- That is so Claire. - Mitchell!
See? She does that with everyone.
It's just her face.
No, it's not just the face.
From the beginning,
I feel like Manny and I are not welcome in
this family.
That is so crazy.
No, it's not so crazy. It's how I feel.
I am sorry if you feel that way.
I really am, because from the moment I met
you,
I have tried to make you feel comfortable
with us.
You think it's all in my head?
No. Kind- I don't know.
I mean, we really love having you and Manny
in our family.
- Really? - Really.
So, you don't have to be so defensive.
I do that, don't I?
Well, a bit.
I'm feeling a hug.
I was thinking group hug,
- But this is nice. - I'd be there if I
could.
Oh, my God. There's hugging.
Haley, get off the phone already.
Where did you go?
You heard him.
He said, "Get outta here."
Oh, my God. You're such a girl.
Dad- I was coming to get a beer anyways.

Nice apology.
Nice beer.
Hey, there are the little roustabouts.
- You look like you patched things up pretty
good, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, we can learn so much from the children.
Bet it seems kind of silly now
what you were even fighting about, huh?
- I made fun of his accent. - What accent?
I made fun of him for having the same thing
for lunch every day.
I made fun of him because his mom used to
dig coal.
What?
He said you were a coal digger.
Okay. I think we can move on.
Who said I was a coal digger?
That's what my mom told me.
What's a coal digger?
Sweetheart, he heard it wrong.
It's "Gold digger."
I'm gonna have to call you back.
I really do not think that I remember ever
saying that.
Well, you said in the car.
You said it at Christmas.
- You said it in the Mexican restaurant-
- Okay,
Mr. "Leaves His Sweatshirts at School Every
Day...
Suddenly Remembers Everything," Thank you.
And it was all in my head, huh?
Oh, listen. Gloria, it was...
like, a year ago, before I knew you.
Nice going.
Now my mom and my sister are fighting.
If I say something that everybody else is
thinking,
does that make me a mean person?
Or does it make me a brave person?
One who is courageous enough to
stand up and-and say something...
behind someone's back
to a 10-year-old.
Well, she's pissed.
Yeah. She wouldn't even come out of her
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room.
Did you really have to call her that- a gold
digger?
Well, you know what, Dad? It was a year ago.
And it was a natural question to ask.
She's a beautiful, hot woman,
and you're not exactly, you know-
Not exactly what?
Um- Mitchell, little help?
No. You are doing great.
See, this is exactly why we sweep things
under the rug-
so people don't get hurt.
Yeah, until you sweep too much under the
rug.
Then you got a lumpy rug.
Creates a tripping hazard. You open
yourself up to lawsuits.
Boy, you can go a really long time without
blinking.
Gloria? It's Phil.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Claire likes to say you can be part of the
problem...
or part of the solution.
But I happen to believe that you can be
both.
Listen, Claire feels terrible.
Why don't you talk to her?
Why? I know what she thinks- a coal digger.
You know she's saying "Gold digger"?
Yes, Phil!
Well, I-I know she said that.
But that was a long time ago,
before she knew you.
Does Jay buy me nice things?
Yes! Of course! All beautiful things.
Look at this- yellow, red, blue.
All the colors.
Do you think I can't live without this?
Take them away, Phil.
Gloria,
we all know you'd be fine without
underwear.
I mean, we know it's not about that.
No. It's about me not being accepted by my

new family.
That is not true.
Gloria, look, you're a beautiful woman.
In fact, you're probably one of those
beautiful women who doesn't even know it.
No, I know it.
So it's natural
for Claire to wonder about you and her dad.
This family's very protective of each
other.
I remember the first time Claire brought
me home.
Do you think Jay thought I was good enough
for his little girl?
No way. But over time,
he realized that I loved Claire as much as
he did.
And by then, Mitch had brought Cam home,
so I was golden.
Claire just needs a little time.
And then, trust me,
she'll be the most loyal friend you've ever
had.
You're not leaving, are you?
You know, there's kind of a lot of drama.
- So we're torn. - Let me ask you something.
Your sister said that Gloria
would never go for anybody who looked like
me.
Now, you guys basically are like women.
You know, you look at guys.
So what do you think?
You're seriously asking us if you're
attractive?
Well, I know I'm no Erik Estrada or
anything.
- I'm just curious is all. - Dad.
So if I was in one of your bars and-
Righteous Brothers were on, you know.
Would you, uh,
I don't know, check me out?
Dad, you're really close to ruining gay for
me.
- All right, fine. Whatever. - Jay. Jay,
now listen.
I think it's- I just think it's
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a little weird for a son to say this to his
father.
But for the record, I think you're smokin'
hot.
Really?
Yeah, 100%. You're totally my type.
You're dangerous, you're getable,
you have a little "Cashola" In your pocket.
Face, body, the whole-
The whole kit and caboodle, I think.
Really.
- What about a seven? Nine. For sure, nine.
- But you knew that. - I might have
lowballed a little bit.
Okay, isn't there a game on?
- Touchy. - I know.
Gloria? Come on, let's- let's talk about
this.
I've seen her kick in a door before.
I don't know what my husband is saying to
you or...
why he's covered in your underwear.
Obviously I'm trying to seduce him for his
money.
'Cause that's what I do, right?
What do I have to give back...
so that everyone trusts me? Huh?
- These earrings? - No.
- What? This bracelet? - No.
- My new dress? - No.
I didn't respond because...
this shouldn't be about me.
It should be about you...
talking to you... about it.
Phil? Honey?
No, no, no. No.
You're welcome.
I don't know what to say
except for that I am really, really sorry.
Just tell me one thing.
How do you really feel that I'm with your
father?
Uh, well-
Honestly, at first, it was hard.
I mean, you don't expect to wake up one
morning...

with a new mom who looks like she fell off
a mud flap.
But... I'm getting used to it.
And the important thing is you make him
happy,
which you do in- in so many ways,
so many colors.
Are we okay?
- No. - No?
You embarrassed me in front of everyone
downstairs.
What, I'm supposed just to forget about it?
What do you want me to do-
just embarrass myself so we're even?
Go jump in the pool.
Oh, you mean go jump in a lake. Right.
Go jump in the pool with your clothes on.
Then I know you're sorry.
I'm not gonna do that, Gloria.
Okay. Then I won't forgive you.
Now a field goal beats us.
Hey, you guys work that out?
Almost. Gloria just wants me to jump in the
pool.
- Okay then. - What?
If they could get a pass rush on 'em,
something, a break.
This is so awesome.
I know. Mom does not look good wet.
Gloria, is this really necessary?
Dad, it's fine. It's fine. If I need to jump
in this water...
to prove to Gloria how sorry I am, I will
do it.
I'm fine.
You're serious? You're not gonna stop me?
Why would I do that?
Because I am standing here.
I am showing you my willingness to-
No?
- Are you happy? - Yes! I forgive you!
Then give me your hand.
Oh, that's the oldest trick in the book.
- She's gonna pull you in there. - No!
And that's my job.
This is funny, but this is also a teaching
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moment.
- Yeah! - Think about...No!
Cannonball!
The snap! Fumble!
How could he fumble that?
Center blew the snap.
You know what?I hate that.
I played center,
and I always got blamed for a quarterback's
clumsy hands.
Well, I was a quarterback, and it was
probably your fault.
It's impossible to fumble the ball...
when the quarterback has the proper hand
placement.
It's weird to think of a woman being
sexually attracted to Dad.
No, you wanna hear weird?
Cam said he'd pick up dad at a gay bar.
Ooh. How did that come up?
Mmm, I'm really trying to block it out.
As far as I'm concerned,
Mom and Dad had sex two times.
Agreed.
Okay, get your hands up there
like you're lifting me off the ground.
Be one with me, Jay. There you go.
Do you wanna get something to eat?
I am never eating again.
Just snap the damn thing.
Perfect. That one kinda hurt.

Modern.Family.S01E07
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo, Manny! Bravo!
Well, when I heard Manny wanted to fence,
I was, like,
"Sure. Uncoordinated kid, lethal weapon.
How can this go wrong?"
What do you think now?
I'm proud of our little Zorro.
I mean I worked with him a little, but the
kid's got skills.
It's in his blood. His father was a master
swordsman.
He was an artist with his sword.
I mean, the way he throws the sword.
I mean, he was legendary.
You know this nice moment I'm having with
your son?
- You're kind of wrecking it. - Sorry.
Did you know that fencing goes back to the
12th century?
You know what's even nerdier than fencing?
Knowing when it began.
I don't think you're a nerd, Alex.
Shut up, dork.
All right. That's my boy!
Would this be easier...
if we suspended you from a crane?
Any monkey can shoot a home movie.
I pride myself on shooting home films.
But, Cameron, you always just take things
a little too far.
No, I don't.
- Okay, your nephew's first birthday. -
That's not fair.
You brought a wind machine.
- To be fair, - Cameron,
- my vision was- - you brought a wind
machine.
Who puts wheels on cribs?
Ay! Sorry. Sorry.
That's okay.
No. No, no, no, no! My phone died.
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No biggie. Your battery probably just
statically defracticated.
What?
It means you can recharge it with static
electricity.
Just rub it on your hair.
Yes!
You know, I used to go to the houses of my
friends,
I'd see their kids' trophies,
and it used to bug me, you know,
because there was never a trophy in my
house.
Not until this one.
Oh, that's a good grip.
Can we switch seats?
Cam, people are staring.
I know you're not supposed to care,
but it's kind of cool to have a kid in your
house
who's the best at something.
You know what I mean?
- Yeah, our kids are great. - They're the
greatest.
- Gosh, we're blessed. - We are. But, um,
are they the best at something?
I'd have to think about that.
Well, Alex is great at every single thing
she tries,
- so, you know, she'll find her specialty.
- She will.
And Haley is-
Haley is so pretty.
- Gorgeous, gorgeous girl. - Oh, gosh.
So she can meet someone who's the best at
something.
That's right.
And then, uh, I guess that leaves Luke.
We dropped the ball a little bit on that
one.
Yeah, a little bit.
Bravo!
How about a nice round of applause for our
winner, Manny Delgado.
Manny now moves on to the championship,
where he'll be competing against Caroline

Markum.
We'll see you all back here at 4:30.
- All right. - Bravo.
What she said.
Wow. This means more to Dad than it does
to Manny.
Yeah, it's his chance to be father of a
champion.
Well, second chance.
We all know how the first time went.
Did I say something wrong?
No, no. I'm- I'm very happy for
Manny.That's all.
Everything's always about Claire. Geez.
I wanna thank you guys for coming by and
supporting the kid.
You guys are the best!
Why, Claire?
Really?
That took a while.
She's been asleep for 20 minutes.
It just took me some time to sneak out
without waking her up.
Kind of like the first time you slept over
here.
I had a meeting.
All right. Let's talk about why you got your
panties in a bunch.
What's up with you and your sister?
- Nothing is up. - Mm-hmm.
Or could this have something to do with...
ice skating?
When Mitchell and Claire were kids.
This is interesting to no one.
Excuse, please. Let me finish. Thank you.
- When Mitchell was 10 - Eleven.
And Claire was 13, they
- were competitive ice dancers. - Figure
skaters!
Oh, for God's sakes, I'll tell the story.
Yes,
my sister and I were actually a very good
team.
We were called "Fire and Nice."
I was Fire, because of the red hair, and
Claire was Nice,
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because it was ironic and she wasn't.
And Mitchell is still upset
because Claire quit the team right before
some meet.
"Some meet." The 13-and-under regional
championships.
Just the Emerald City at the end of my
yellow brick road.,
- Wow. You did it. - What?
You made figure skating sound even gayer.
So, seeing your dad so proud of Manny...
didn't stir up any resentment?
- Mm-mmm. - Oh.
Okay, fine. You always do this.
Instead of letting your feelings out, you
bury them,
and then they bubble up later in hurtful
ways.
Okay, you know what? Yes. All right,
listen.
I might still be holding a little
resentment,
but that's... embarrassing and petty
and it's not a good color on me.
It's kind of like you and yellow.
You love me in my yellow shirt.
It makes you look like the sun.
Bubbling. Hurtful bubbling.
Now you know why I left early that morning.
I knew you didn't have a meeting, Cam. I
knew it.
There must be something wrong with this
phone.
I've rubbed it on my head for, like, an
hour.
What? Alex.
Oh, you're such a geek.
At least I didn't give myself a bald spot.
Oh, my God! Mom!
Alex, don't be mean.
Haley, stop making yourself such an easy
target.
This feels right, buddy. I'm telling you,
this feels right.
- What are you guys doing? - Pursuing
excellence.

We make a list of areas the boy might excel
at
- and... baseball. - Love it.
Yeah. I read it only takes 10,000 hours to
achieve excellence.
You've already got, what, how many hours
playing ball?
Well, I played, like, one season, so, like,
6,000 hours?
Yeah. I can see why you ruled out math.
Yeah, of course I want Luke to be
successful.
But I don't think that a parent can just
force that.
I think you just have to have
faith that the kid's gonna find his own way.
Besides, Luke already is the best at
something- being my son.
It sounded a lot less lame in my head.
I have got a good feeling about this.
This is gonna be your sport.
Last year, you said basketball was my
sport.
Look, I've said a lot of things I wish I
could take back but I can't.
What I can do...
is be the dad you need me to be to help you
become masterful.
- You wanna be masterful? - I guess.
There's my killer! Okay.
Our journey of 10,000 hours...
begins with a single pitch.
I believe in my boy.
I ain't gonna quit you.
Let's burn one in here.
That's good. That's a good start.
Okay, you rest that cannon while I run this
down, okay?
Okay, let's keep all the batters right
here.
Oh, should've- should've worn my cup.
Should've worn my cup.
Home run!
This one's really in here, buddy.
Okay. Very, very, very, very good first
hour.
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Toss me your glove. I'll put some oil on
it.
- Everything okay? - Yes.
I was telling my grandmother how great was
Manny today.
So that wasn't angry talk?
No, silly. That was happy talk.
I'm beginning to understand
why there's so much conflict on your
continent.
Here. Check this out.
Ah, Jay.
Jay loves to make T-shirts for special
occasions.
Come on, baby. Show them.
A few years back, my granddaughter Haley
ran a 5K,
so I had a few of these made up.,
It's just fun.
I love it when you're so proud of Manny.
You know, I'm not gonna lie.
Seeing him out there slicing those kids to
pieces,
you know, it gets to ya.
- Gracias, mi amor. - I'm sorry to
interrupt.
- It's okay, papi. - Hey, champ! I got a
little something for you.
And I have something for you. Here.
I will not be needing it anymore.
- But the finals? - I am retired.
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't retire.
It's just not fun anymore.
Well, that's probably just butterflies.
Come on. You're gonna be fine.
Look, if he doesn't want to, it's his
decision.
Ah, the hell it is.
He shouldn't be doing anything that makes
him nervous.
Papi, I support you.
I'm not nervous. I just don't want to fight
a girl.
What?
Defeating a woman will be a mark on my

honor.
Why?
Because men are always so superior to
woman?
So superior that you cannot even finish
your sentence?
Dude.
Manny, you always call yourself the lover
of women,
but if you don't compete with this girl,
you're showing me and all the woman that
you don't respect us.
I'm sorry.
Okay, so, take back your sword...
- and go fight this girl like a bull. - Okay.
- Can't hear you! - Okay!
- I can't hear you! - That's really as loud
as I can go.
What does it take to make a great salesman?
It's no big secret.
You just follow the ABC's of salesmanship:
Always Be Closing.
Don't ever forget
great home ideas just keep lurking, mostly
nearby.
Often people question realtors' sincerity.
Take umbrage. Violators will-
Oh, shoot. X- X-
And this is the great room,
although "Great" hardly seems to do a room
like this justice.
Weird, squiggly painting not included.
- I actually love it. - I do too.
It's really beautiful.
Um, all custom built-ins, and you will
notice just-
just tons of natural light, so that's
great.
Did I need the sale? Yes.
Was I worried? No.
Why? Because. Because why?
Because I won't sell anything I don't
believe in.
And when I believe, you believe.
I could sell a fur coat to an Eskimo.
Yeah, Phil, I'm sorry. It's a beautiful
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house.
But I'm just not sure how kid-friendly it
is,
and we have two small children.
I mean, these stairs alone.
Dad, this place is awesome.
- Not now, Luke. - Did you see the backyard?
It's got room for 10 tree houses.
And the bedroom's got a window on the
ceiling.
I wish we could live here.
- I wish you'd go back out to the patio
where- - Do you really?
Oh, yeah. Our house sucks compared to this
one.
It really does.
There you are.
I'm gonna get changed and
then we'll go back to Manny's match, okay?
- Dad doesn't want me to go. - What? Why?
Remember when you were all worried that our
son's a dud?
Okay. That's not exactly the way I remember
it.
Turns out he's a natural.
- At what? - At selling.
Hey, Titans of residential real estate.
That's right, I'm talking to you,
Sandy Brewster, Skip Woosnum, J.J.
McCubbin.
Hear those footsteps? That's Luke Dunphy,
and he's gonna drink your milk shake.
That's amazing.
- Right? - Incredible.
So, the buyer's coming back
in an hour with her husband, and I need him.
I am telling you, that kid is a genius.
There's the rainmaker.
- Why is your iPod in your mouth? - I'm
charging it.
Alex. Alex!
So, there's no part of you
that wants to clear the air with your
sister?
Nope.
Okay, fine. That's your family's way. I'll

respect that.
But you should know, it's hard on the people
who love you.
- Cam - We feel the tension.
We hear the words that cut like knives.
Hey, guys! I brought orange slices.
Okay, you know what? I can't bear this.
Claire, Mitchell still resents you
for quitting the figure skating team when
you were kids.
Ladies, come inside with me, please.
Work it out. Come on.
- Thanks, Cam. - Is he serious?
Is that what your little jab was about this
morning?
Okay. No. Yes. Okay, yes. Yes.
I guess I'm still a little angry.
But, you know, you stole my moment, Claire.
- Yeah, 21 years ago. - Okay, but it doesn't
matter to you...
because you had your own moments.
You had cheerleading and high school plays
and making out with the quarterback.
Oh come on, You made out with him too.
Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.
You shouldn't have quit.
- It was selfish. - You wanna know why I
quit?
- I quit to protect you. - From what?
Glory? Fame? Press conferences?
What? Come on. I was bigger than you.
I was bigger than you,
and I was afraid you wouldn't be able to
lift me.
You were dropping me in practice,
- And I didn't want you to - I dropped you
twice.
- Three times. - humiliate yourself in
front of all those people.
You dropped me all the time.
Come on. Could you just forgive me and move
on?
Of course. Yes, yes. Yes, of- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh. This must seem so petty, huh?
Well, it's a little silly, but we all have
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our thing, don't we?
I'm just glad you're getting it out of you.
Are you trying to lift me? You are. You're
trying to lift me. Oh!
Stay focused, stay loose and stay angry.
- Who's the toughest? - I am.
- Who's the bravest? - I am.
Who's the baddest?
Can you guys ask all the questions now
so I don't have to keep lifting this?
- Go. - Go get 'em!
- There we go. You all set? - Yeah.
Okay, go get 'em. Good luck.
- Excuse me. Is this seat taken? - No. Sit.
Oh, thank you.
- Oh, is Manny yours? - Yes.
Oh, he's quite good. I saw him earlier.
Thank you.
- Is she your little girl? - Oh, Caroline?
No. No.
Sadly, her parents passed away.
I'm her nurse down at the children's
hospital.
But all of my patients are like family to
me.
Well, our boys are enjoying themselves.
Yeah. I can talk about
crown moldings and recessed lighting until
the cows come home,
but nothing compares with that sound right
there.
Oh. Hey, buddy. Oh, he's fine.
My foot. I think it's backwards.
- It's not backwards. - Wh-What happened?
It's the stupid floors! They're too
slippery.
Oak. Also known as nature's pillow.
- It's like ice. - Now, let's not start
blaming the floors.
- You shouldn't have been running. - I saw
a ghost.
Ghosts. Hey, Phil Dunphy. Okay, that's me.
That's acting like a natural shoehorn.
Okay. Probably better all take
our shoes off for this part of the tour.
Follow me.
 Modern.Family.S01E07
She's our little miracle. No way.
Oh. I only wish her father had made it back Get up.
from Afghanistan to see this. - Really? -Mm-m
Oh, there's our cheering section. Don't drop me.
Over here, you guys. Put it away or lose it.
Oh, my God. We have to stop him. Somebody's got to put a stop to this.
Maybe I can pull the fire alarm. That's it, Mitchell.
Expect no mercy. So, can we take you and Caroline out for
Bring it on, big boy. ice cream?
I'm-I'm glad Dad's proud of Manny. I am. We can't. She's diabetic.
I just- It would have been nice to see him Of course she is.
that proud of us. A round of applause for our winner, Manny
By us, I mean me. Delgado.
And you sincerely thought that the path to Let's get out of here. Get this thing in
Dad's approval... the trunk.
was going to be through figure skating? I can't decide if I'm feeling more proud
Mitchell, I am fairly confident that Dad's or mortified.
proudest moment... How about now?
was when you finally took off the flame-red We tell our kids it doesn't matter if you
unitard. win or lose,
I am not claiming that any of this is but let's be honest.
rational. Winning feels pretty great.
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a There's nothing like that golden moment in
pill, okay? the sun.
Um, actually, I always felt very guilty for I think every parent probably wants that
quitting. for their child.
I know how much you loved figure skating. And maybe a little bit for ourselves too.
I never really loved skating. Sometimes we push too hard.
Uh, what? And that leads to a lot of resentment and
Um, all right, this is gonna sound a little guilt.
gay. Yes! Yes!
But, um, when-when you and I skated So, how much is too much? Here's where I
together, come out.
you weren't the mean older sister Guilt fades.
and I wasn't the clingy little brother. Hardware is forever.
We were- we were a team, and- - You're mad, aren't you? - I'm not mad.
Well, let's face it, - Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.
we've kind of grown apart in the past few - You're a little jealous. - I'm happy for
years. the two of you.
And with Mom and Dad's divorce, we were on All right, come on. We'll do one. Stay
opposing sides. there.
And I- I just- I miss being on your team. - For real? -Yep.
That's... - Feel better? - Yeah. Oh, do me now. Come
- a little gay. - There we go. on.
Claire, where are you going? What are you talking about?
Claire? Are you serious?

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-【49】-
 Modern.Family.S01E07
Cam, no.

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-【50】-

Modern.Family.S01E08
Ah- Fix that step.
- Morning! - I'm still sleeping.
- Happy anniversary. - Hmm.
- And they said we wouldn't last. - Yeah.
- Who said that? - Oh, look at you. You're
cute.
- Go ahead. Open it. - What have you done?
Nothing. Something. Nothing.
- It's a View- Master. - Look inside.
Oh, it's us.
Look at how young we are.
Oh, God, that perm.
Yeah, it really framed my face.
Why is there a picture of a bracelet?
Huh. Must be some kind of a mistake.
- What the heck is that? - Phil, you didn't.
- What did - Did he, did he?
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful. Oh, sweetie, I love it.
- Okay, your turn. - My turn? Where is it?
- It's on the bureau. - Oh.
I'm surprised I didn't see it.
- Where? - It's there. The red envelope.
Oh. So - - card?
No. That's where you're wrong.
I am so excited.
Hey. Coupons for...
five free hugs.
- You don't like it? - Are you kidding me?
I love it.
It's so creative. Coupons for hugs,
which are usually free.
But this makes it official, which is so
great.
I was so proud of myself when I thought of
it...
because you're impossible to buy for.
You never want anything.
Um, things I want:
Robot dog, night- vision goggles, bug
vacuum,
G.P.S. Watch, speakers that look like
rocks.
I love my wife, but she sucks at giving
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-【51】-
Modern.Family.S01E08
gifts.
I'm sorry for the pay- channel language,
but- Oh, yogurt maker.
I can't not think of things I want.
I can't tell if she needs a diaper change.
I'd think we'd be able to tell.
No, with these diapers, it's hard to tell.
- Triple leakage protection. - LeakLock.
Contours to protect her little body.
No gapping or chapping.
Cam, do you think that maybe we need a-
Night out. Yeah.
Yeah. Yes. Just a few hours with a couple
of adults,
few drinks, no baby talk.
It'll make us better parents.
Stop drilling. You've struck oil.
We'll get Gloria to babysit. We're going
out.
You got some spittle.
Do I? You know who'd be fun to call?
- Sal. - Sal.
Ooh, raise the roof, Lily. Yeah.
We're calling Sal.
Sal is our very best friend in the whole
wide world.
The reason we love her so much...
- is she has absolutely no inhibitions. -
No.
And that's before she starts drinking.
Hanging out with her...
is like an Amsterdam Saturday night every
day of the week.
And, ironically,
Sal's not allowed back into Amsterdam.
Any day of the week.
Of course we would love to have the baby.
All the other cousins are sleeping over
tonight.
The more, the merrier.
Okay, see you tonight. Bye- bye.
Is Haley still coming?
You're related. I will spray you with the
hose.
All the grandkids are
coming over for Jay's Night. Family

tradition.
Everybody wears P.J.'s, which they love.
I make my famous sloppy Jays, which are
really sloppy joes...
but made by Jay, which they love.
And then we all watch a Western together,
which they don't really care for, but hey,
it's Jay's Night.
So, Mom, there's a party tonight at Andrew
Adler's,
and everybody's gonna be there.
Ooh, that sounds like so much fun, but I
have other plans.
Oh, that's hi- larious. But I'm talking
about me.
- That's unusual. - Honey,
you said you'd go to your grandfather's
tonight.
See, that's what's so perfect about this.
Andrew only lives, like, a couple blocks
away from Grandpa's.
So I figured that I could go-
Sweetie, you made a commitment.
But I really want to go. Plus, every time
I go over to Grandpa's,
Manny just stares at me the whole time.
- Maybe if you wore a bra- - Alex.
What? I can't wait to go to Grandpa's.
- Family means everything to me. - 'Cause
you have no friends.
No. Because I love Grandpa.
And he's getting older.
Who knows how many years he has left?
- Is Grandpa dying? - Didn't they tell you?
Alex, stop torturing your brother.
No. Your grandfather is fine.
For now.
Hmm. Who could that be?
You expecting someone special?
Thank you.
- Flowers too? - I'm sorry.
Oh, what are you apologizing for? They're
gorgeous.
That's too much. With the View- Master and
the bracelet...
and the flowers and the balloons-
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-【52】-
Modern.Family.S01E08
- Balloons? - They're attached to your car.
I just don't want you to feel bad...
about your little... coupons.
Wait a minute. You- You
thought the coupons were your only present?
- Are you kidding me? - They aren't?
No! Oh, Phil, come on.
It's our anniversary.
Those coupons were just, like,
a fun little way to kick off the day.
Your real present is coming tonight, and
you're gonna love it.
Love it.
Cool.
I got nothing.
I'm so screwed.
Oh, this place brings back so many
memories.
- Oh, my God! - Sal!
Get up! Get up! Get in here! Big bear!
Oh, my baby cub!
Oh, my God. Look at you.
Oh! You guys notice anything different?
Your hair's longer, right?
- No. - Did you get your teeth bleached?
No. Let me give you a little hint. Ba-
boobs!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, wow. Those are
sensational.
I know, right? You wanna touch 'em?
I'm gay, not dead. Are you okay with this?
Yeah. You're drinking a passion- fruit
daiquiri.
I'll be fine.
- Okay, get in there. - I'm coming in.
So, Lily likes that, that... singing?
- Yes. It relaxes her. - Oh, okay.
So Lily's deaf.
There are my little stinkers.
- Howdy. - Hi, Grandpa.
- Come on in. - Hey.
- Hola. - Hola, hola.
Well, hello there, Haley.
Take it down a notch, Jethro.
So, you guys ready for some fun?
What?

I love you, grandpa, and I'm never gonna
forget you.
Okay, okay. Back at ya, champ.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a pajama party.
Where's your P.J.'s?
Yeah, they're in my bag. I need to talk to
you about something.
She wants to go to a party with Dylan,
grandpa
Shut up, Alex.
It's at my friend Andrew Adler's.
He lives three blocks from here.
- Oh. Walking distance. - Right.
So I wouldn't ask you this,
because I love coming to your house,
but it's kind of an important party, and
I-
Somebody invites you over,
the last thing you wanna do is insult them.
- Exactly. - I'm glad we agree.
Oh, my God. That was so easy. This is
awesome.
You really don't understand what just
happened there, do you?
- P.J.'s on, Haley! - What?
Um, I would be happy to let her change in
my room.
Who could that be? Are you expecting
someone special?
What did you do?
Nothing. I just know that there's someone
at the door.
Rock on, Phil Dunphy.
Bam! Read it and weep, Phil.
- Oh. - It's the Iz.
- Who? - Izzy LaFontaine from Spandau
Ballet.
Dizzy Dontaine from Spa, Hey.
He's got it now.
- He's got it. He's just seriously freaking
out. - Yes!
Phil loves Spandau Ballet.
That song "True" was playing in the car the
first time we kissed.
It's our song. So I did some research,
found out that the lead guitarist lives,
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-【53】-
Modern.Family.S01E08
like, 40 miles from here.
He was in the phone book.
How '80s is that?
I never liked Spandau Ballet.
Our entire marriage,
I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet.
Am I even pronouncing that right?
Here to play a private concert for us is
the guitarist-
- Bass player, actually. - And lead singer-
- Well, backup, backup. - Of Spandau
Ballet.
Between Richard Miller and Martin Kemp.
Oh, those guys.
- I miss you two guys so much. - Oh.
- So, so much. To us. - Yeah.
- To us. - To us, the Three Musketeers.
- Cabo! - What?
Seriously, you bastards. We've been
talking about it forever.
We're doing it. We're going to Cabo. Let's
do it. Let's do it.
All right. Let's go.
Yeah. Yes. Yes. That would be fun.
Fun? Are you joking?
Margaritas, you guys, these guys.
It's gonna be epic.
Yeah, but we need to find someone for Lily.
Okay, okay. Um,
how much are you gonna pay me to go make
out with the waitress?
All right. Now, wait. Which one?
The old one or the young one?
Ten for the young one, 20 for the old.
I am about to make 30 bucks.
- I'm just gonna go check on Lily real quick.
- Right now?
- Yeah. It'll just take a second. - Well,
I'm just-
you're gonna miss me sluttin' it up with
Driving Miss Daisy.
- It'll just take a second. - Real fast.
You should kill that baby.
- What? - You should call the baby.
I love you guys so much.
- Did she just- - I'm scared.

- I got nothing. - I think I have a very
good pair.
- You sure do, honey. - And I got squat.
I don't think I have anything either.
Are you kidding me? That's a straight.
- Really? - She wins.
You won.
- I win. - You got it, Haley.
You know what? I think I deserve a soda.
- Good job, Haley. - Did you see that?
- "I don't know how to play." - She didn't
even know.
You know, she deserves it.
Hi, honey.
- Gee, you scared me. - How did you-
Lightbulb went out. You don't change these
right away,
you never get around to it.
There.
Now I can see everything that goes on around
here.
I've had a little practice at this.
Haley wasn't throwing anything at me I
hadn't seen before
from her mother and then some.
But nobody gets off The Rock.
Right. Here's a track. Wasn't so popular
in America.
Got to number six on the Netherlands charts
though.
That whole summer I couldn't walk to the
corner in Amsterdam
without mobs of birds coming up
and asking me for the double bubble.
Okay, just play it, I think. Yeah.
He's- He's awesome, honey.
You're welcome.
*Tonight*
*So right*
*So right*
*Lover*
Hey, Phil, I think your lover wants a kiss
from you.
Oh. Okay.
Oh, come on, man. She's not your sister.
Give her a proper snog.
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You all right?
That's a bad joke. Not funny.
My sister lost her feet to complications
from diabetes.
Okay. Can I get you some water there, guy,
or-
- Yeah. - You got tea?
- Yes, of course. I'll get that. -
Chamomile.
- You don't miss a minute. - Okay.
Oh, God. Why did- You know, look at what
I'm doing.
- I'm- I'm making it all about me. What a
downer. - No.
- It's your evening. Let's make it great,
man. - No.
Name your playlist. I'll do it all.
Oh, um, just the classics.
- Let's play the hits. - We'll get to the
hits, obviously.
Go to the back catalog, man. Favorite B-
side.
That's fun. Yeah, that's fun. Uh, just- I'm
so bad with titles.
Hum it.
- *Tonight* - I just did that one, didn't
I? Yeah.
That's why it's in the noodle. So I guess-
- No. What album is that on? - Second. I
wanna say second.
What's on the cover?
There's a warlock, I think, or a seascape.
Warlock. Oh. Millennium Sunrise.
Millennium Sunrise.
There is no Millennium Sunrise record.
What- What? You're not a Fandau.
You didn't even know who I was at the door.
I saw it in your eyes.
Please don't say anything to Claire.
- She made a mistake. - Am I being punk'd?
This means so much to her, and I don't wanna
hurt her feelings.
Her feelings? Well, what about my feelings?
This is my career, man.
You know, my music was the soundtrack to
people's lives.

Now I'm nothing. How do you think that
feels?
This is really humiliating.
No, no, no. Don't go. Don't go.
Hey. What are you guys doing?
He let me touch it!
Yeah, I think she said "kill," Cam. I do.
Maybe it was just a joke. She's always had
a dark sense of humor.
That's true. Remember her Halloween
costume?
When she came as Siegfried and part of Roy.
- It was too soon. - Yeah. Yeah. This was
just a joke.
Yes. Yeah. Here she comes.
Look, I'm gonna bring up Lily. We'll see
what she says.
- Show her some pictures. - Pay up, bitches.
Whoa. More drinks.
Free drinks.
- Sal, you've got to look at these pictures.
- What are they?
- It's Lily at the zoo. - Oh, cute.
- Look at that one. - Cute! Cute. Cutie,
cutie, cute, et cetera.
So you guys are gonna have to bring Lily
to Cabo,
now that you're the guys that always bring
Lily?
- Well, you know- - Yeah, probably.
- I will throw her in the ocean. - What?
I said I gotta go pee.
- Okay, that wasn't even close. - Nope.
I mean, what do we do? Do we say something?
How do we even bring it up?
She threatened our child, and that's your
concern- a segue?
- You know what this is? - What?
- This is first- child syndrome. - What?
It's where the first child is happy,
and then the second child comes along,
and the first child gets jealous of the
second child
and starts acting out.
Yes. That's brilliant, except Sal's not our
child, so-
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-【55】-
Modern.Family.S01E08
Think about it. Listen, we've practically
done everything for her.
We've held her when she's cried.
We've carried her when she couldn't walk.
- We've done everything but potty- train
her. - Um- Hey, guys.
- I was thinking- Oh. - Oh. Sorry.
When we go to Cabo,
we have to find a hotel with a swim- up bar,
'cause this going back and forth to the
bathroom is a fool's game.
- Okay, let's get more drinks. - Sal, we
got to talk.
- It's about Lily. - Oh, shocker.
- Okay. - Do you think it's at all
possible...
that maybe- maybe you're jealous of her?
- What? What? - It's just-
- I don't know. - I don't- Where- Why would
you say that?
Well, because you won't look at any
pictures of her...
and you talked about killing her and
throwing her in the ocean.
Okay, that was a joke, you guys. Come on.
Fine. Show me the pictures of Yoko.
See, it's...
It's a joke. You guys! Come on.
'Cause she's Asian, and she broke up our
group.
I- I just- Look, let's at least
acknowledge that things have changed
between us.
And you know what?
Because Lily's here doesn't mean we love
you any less.
- No. Absolutely not. - What's wrong?
We used to be really close, and
you used to call me a lot. And now you never
call me.
- Well, but we- - No.
And last week I had a really bad dream,
and I was thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna call
them."
And then I thought, "Oh, no, you can't call
them...

because you might wake up their baby."
- You can always call. - Oh, honey, always
call us.
No. I'm sorry we haven't been there.
We're here now, okay?
Okay?
- Feel better? - I think you just put a
little-
Spittle?
Did she just fall asleep?
I wish Lily would fall asleep like that.
Give her eight shots of tequila.
I don't understand why she's not falling
asleep.
- I have a theory. - I got the movie.
Manny, why don't you go fire up some
popcorn?
You looking for these?
- You took my shoes? - No, I took your
freedom.
Sorry, kid. It ain't your night.
Why are you being like this?
I just wanted to go to that party for, like,
two hours.
I would've been back by now. Would that have
killed you?
She's just like her mother.
Why are you treating Haley like this?
Me? She's the one acting like a pill.
You're taking this too personally.
When I was Haley's age, I loved my
grandfather,
but I still wanted to go to parties and be
with boys.
I know. I know. So did Claire... and
Mitchell.
But you know what?
You try to put something over on me, you're
gonna lose.
So, what? Now you're gonna make this into
a big game?
I'm trying to keep 'em around a little bit
longer, that's all.
I mean, who knows how many nights like this
I got left?
- I miss you already. - What's wrong with
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-【56】-
Modern.Family.S01E08
this kid tonight?
Go in the kitchen and help out the guys,
and I'll be right in.
It's great that you wanna spend time with
your granddaughter,
but is this really the way?
- Fine. - You're a good abuelo.
- She's upstairs. - I know.
Dylan!
- Yeah? - Get up.
You're here to take Haley to the party,
right?
- Yeah. - She's in the house.
How did you know I was here?
This is how I first met Phil.
Thanks again, Grandpa. We'll be back by
11:00.
- I will track you down. - I believe that.
- What's that smell? - Sloppy jays. Help
yourself.
There's plenty left.
Oh. Sloppy jays because your name's Jay.
Right on.
Can't believe she's into this guy.
If you want, I'll fix you a plate.
- Yeah, definitely. That'd be great. - But
what about the party?
We can go in just a minute. Just let-
Oh, no way. The Gunfighter. I love this
movie.
Dylan, the party.
Oh. But... cowboys.
Don't fight it, Haley. They never grow up.
- Thanks. - I'm going to the kitchen for
an espresso.
- Anybody need anything? - No, thanks.
Okay.
Two, three, four.
The year was 1991.
America was immersed in Desert Storm.
Meanwhile, stateside, another storm was
brewing...
in my heart.
- This is stupid, isn't it? This is- - No.
- Is it stupid, Phil? - No. Just keep- keep
going, Claire.
 Modern.Family.S01E08
- It's wonderful. - Okay. - Yes. - You do?
After a romantic dinner at Fratelli's, And this is an awesome gift.
a certain nervous young couple shared their - You know why? - Why?
first kiss... - You just gave us a new song. - Okay.
as the radio played this song. Sort of brought you back together, eh?
*So true* - Seems. - Sort of.
*Funny how it seems * - Rekindled fires of a dying passion? -
*Always in time* Sure.
*But never in line for dreams* Shot a ray of hope into this gloomy suburban
*Head over heels when toe to toe* lie?
*This is the sound of-* - All right, buddy. - Just play it, lzzy.
You know what? No. No. Sorry. Sorry. Not For you, Claire.
gonna do it. *I know this*
What's wrong? *Much is true*
- What's going on? - Do you even know the *I know this*
name of this song? *Much is true*
- P- "True." - She is so sweet. - Isn't she?
- "True." - "True." Like a little angel.
Right. This is false. See? Let me hold her.
I'm not gonna play "True" for someone who's Oh, thank God.
false.
See, he doesn't- He doesn't even know the
band.
- He's not a fan, a Fandau. - Yes, he does
know the band.
Of course he does. 'Cause this is our song.
You love this song. Tell him this is our
song.
- Right. Tell him, Phil. - It's not our song,
Claire.
Our song is
"If You Leave" by Orchestral Manoeuvres in
the Dark.
-OH! - Are you sure?
Pretty sure. I sang it at our wedding.
Oh, I'm an idiot.
Well, actually, he's the idiot.
He fell in love to a break- up song.
Ignore him. This is beautiful.
- I love it. - I hate this. I hate this.
You're so sweet and nice, and I can't even
give you...
a decent anniversary present.
I love you so much, and I feel you just are
never gonna know it.
- I know it. I know it. - You do know it?

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Modern.Family.S01E09
Do we know anything?
No. They're in there now with the doctor.
We're lucky though.
The paramedics said it could have been a
lot worse.
My God, how did this even happen?
There he is. Big day's coming up.
What do you want for your birthday, big dog?
It's okay. I'm good.
Come on. Sky's the limit.
Dream big, my boy.
- Well, I guess I could use a belt. - A belt?
Yeah, you're right. I don't need it.
Extension cord works pretty good.
Every year, Luke's birthday falls right
around Thanksgiving,
and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.
One year we forgot completely,
and we had to improvise a cake of stuffing.
Which, by the way, he was fine with.
He's one of those kids,
you get him a gift and all he wants to do
is play with the box.
Yeah, one year we actually just got him a
box,
a really nice box.
And we made the mistake of putting it in
a gift bag.
So he played with the gift bag.
- We can't get it right. - No.
- I feel terrible. We gotta do something.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, the family is gonna be together
for Thanksgiving...
for the first time in I don't even know how
long.
I am so with you. We should blow this out...
and throw Luke the best birthday party of
all time.
Yes. Yes. And we'll order a whole bunch of
pizzas...
and set up an arts and crafts table.
- A what? - A crafts table.
You know, where everybody gathers around
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-【58】-
Modern.Family.S01E09
and they make stuff, and then bam!
They got their own party favor.
Sorry. I fell asleep
while you were describing the most boring
party ever.
- See you in a few hours. - Yeah.
Thanks again for the karaoke machine.
I'll get it back to you right after the
party.
That'd be great.
Please don't. I beg you.
- Don't bring it back. - Okay.
Hey, Phil. Are, uh, you getting a clown for
today?
Oh, no. Luke's not much of a clown fan.
- Really? - Yeah. He never liked 'em.
Has he ever seen a good one?
Has- Has anyone?
Really. So anyway, thanks again.
Okay. See you later.
- No clown? No- No clown? - Let it go.
Who throws a party without a clown?
Since the late '30s, I'd say most people.
You know what? We haven't gotten Luke a
present yet.
Maybe a clown could be our present.
Cameron. Cameron.
If Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a
clown,
they would've. This is not our party.
- But- - this is not our party.
But I just-
Fine.
What would you suggest we get him then, hmm?
Get him a gift card.
- A gift card? - Yeah.
Who hurt you?
Hey, Gloria,
you got any idea how to wrap one of these
things?
- Is that a crossbow? - Yeah.
Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or
what?
We can't give Luke a crossbow.
He pokes himself in the eye every time he
uses a straw.

Are you kidding? I had one when I was his
age.
My dad used to give me a quarter for every
crow I bagged.
And I used to have a machete.
- But times have changed. - He'll be fine.
I'll teach him how to use it.
Hey, pal, how's it going?
Am I charming?
- Oh, boy. - Of course you're charming.
- Who said you were not charming? - No one.
But there's a girl in my school, and I want
her to like me.
- I need your advice, Jay. - Really?
She's gonna be at Luke's party.
Well, I'm a little thrown.
I mean, you don't usually come to me for
advice.
Well, this is one area in which you've done
pretty well.
He has a point.
I've tried everything to get her attention-
opening doors, having a milk sent over in
the cafeteria.
- Nothing's worked. - Here's the deal.
Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff.
They go for power and success.
And since you don't have either one of those
things,
you're gonna be the funny guy.
No, no, no. I want the most dangerous
reptile you've got.
I have an iguana that eats crickets.
That'd be scary if it was a birthday party
for crickets.
Seriously, Jungle Tanya,
I need you step it up a notch.
Is there anything that scares the cocoa out
of you?
Uh, not really. I do have a bearded dragon.
- Ooh. Does it- - No, it does not breathe
fire.
Well, then we're back to square one, aren't
we?
I couldn't get Luke out of my mind.
I know I made a promise to Mitchell,
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【59】-
Modern.Family.S01E09
but some things are bigger than promises.
Fizbo would be at that party.
Hello, old friend.
It all happened so fast.
I keep thinking
there was something I could've done.
No, don't blame yourself.
Who could've possibly seen it coming?
Sweetie, that's a rock wall. Is that even
safe?,
- Oh, my God. - Honey, relax.
Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt on one of
these things?
- I don't know, man. It's my first day. -
See?
They wouldn't let the new guy do it if it-
- That did not make me feel better. - Don't
worry.
I signed, like, a hundred releases.
When did we decide all this? I think it's
too much.
See, I knew you'd say that.
That's why I didn't tell you.
So just relax. Grab a snow cone.
- There's a snow cone machine? - Yeah.
Mom, just so you know, Dylan cannot have
mayonnaise.
That's random. Why are you telling me that?
- 'Cause he's coming to the party. - Is that
absolutely necessary?
Yes, because she can't go 10
minutes without her boyfriend's tongue in
her mouth.
It's like he's feeding a baby bird.
Don't be so jealous.
I'm sure you'll meet someone super hot at
computer camp.
- Girls. - Hey. Hey.
So, what you got there?
These are supplies for the crafts table.
I finally figured out what we're gonna be
making.
- Kids bored? - I'm teasing. I'm teasing.
It looks good. What is it?
Comb sheaths.
I know. I know.

But we made them when I was 11 years old
at Donna Rigby's birthday party.
At first we thought it was really stupid,
and then we had a blast, so-
How could you not?
You combined the two things that kids love
the most-
combs and sheaths.
I'm kidding!
Where's my comb? Oh!
Here it is in my incredibly convenient
beaded comb sheath...
that I made at Luke's awesome birthday
party.
Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy.
Hole in one.
I'm home.
I got Luke a video game, but it's about
math.
So I guess we're those kind of uncles.
Cam.
Don't be mad.
Oh. Cam. Uh-
I've known I wanted to be a clown...
since I found out clowns were just people
with makeup.
Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was
a teenager,
if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was
clownin'.
There are four types of clowns
a tramp, an Auguste,
a whiteface and a character.
I am a classically trained Auguste clown
named Fizbo.
- What? N-Nothing.
Between the clownin' and the fishin',
I'm surprised you had time for the
schoolin'.
Aw, and there's the fifth type- the sad
clown.
Sad clown is a tramp. So there's still only
four types.
Cam, I thought we discussed this.
We did. But I- I started thinking.
And this isn't about you or me.
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【60】-
Modern.Family.S01E09
This is about a little boy who deserves some
happiness.
And he's gonna get that from his weird gay
clown uncle?
Fizbo is not gay. He's asexual.
He's an innocent whose only drive...
is to bring people joy and laughter
and balloon animals.
He's- He's the least sexual being on earth.
Oh, okay. Well, at least we agree on
something.
If this tape is found in the future,
- this is how we humans celebrated
birthdays. - Hey, Dad!
Yeah, there's my boy. Zip-line extreme-
I'm okay. I'm good. I'm good.
Lesson learned. Don't stand- Don't stand
there.
Let's go ahead and rope this area off.
Excellent. Thank you.
Hey, buddy, you having fun?
Yeah. And I love my new belt.
Hey, Luke. Look.
Do you wanna make a comb sheath?
A what?
It's a cool leather holder for your comb.
And you can decorate it.
I've got beads and glitter and all kinds
of stuff.
- Do you want to? - Nah. I'm gonna do the
rock wall.
Okay, honey. It's your day.
Honey, let me know if you get low on
supplies.
I'll make a quick run back to the 1950s for
you.
Oh! Again?
Seriously, zip-line guys, use some ropes.
Did you remember to switch the whites to
the dryer?
- Oh, no. I forgot. - They're gonna smell
musty.
- I know. I'm sorry. - I'll pump.
No, no, no. I'll do it. You stay right here.
- Relax. - Oh. I get it.
- You're worried about people seeing me.

- Without question.
You know, people are gonna stare.
They're not used to seeing one clown in a
car.
That's her- Bianca Douglas.
She's so cute.
She has good handwriting.
She's a complete package. Wish me luck.
You don't need luck.
You just remember those jokes I told you,
hmm?
We have to stop meeting like this.
- What? - We go to school together.
- Oh, yeah. - Do you like jokes?
- Sure. - Great. Ok.
So a grasshopper named Gary walks into a
bar.
Aw. No.
You're not supposed to know his name.
Let me try another one, okay?
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- Interrupting cow. - Interrupting cow who?
Moo. Oh, crap.
- Um, hey. - Hey yourself.
- Move. - You kind of just bumped me with
your car.
I don't think so.
No. No, you did, because, um-
See, yeah, I got grease on my pants
- and then also I felt it. - Call an
ambulance.
Okay. I just thought you might wanna
know...
in case you wanted to be a decent human
being and apologize, but-
No? Okay.
Ass.
What did you say?
Just forget about it, all right?
- Listen, carrottop. I didn't touch you.
- Um, I-
So do the smart thing. Shut your hole,
get in your car and drive away.
Is there a problem here?
What the hell are you?
I'm the ass-kicking clown...
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【61】-
Modern.Family.S01E09
that'll twist you like a balloon animal.
I will beat your head against this bumper
until the air bags deploy.
So apologize to my boyfriend right now!
- Apologize? Boyfriend? - Apologize!
Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let's go. We're gonna be late.
Mind if I come in?
Sure.
Come here.
- Why you bounce so sad? - I told all my
jokes.
It turns out I'm not the funny guy.
The right girl will find you when it's time,
even though I'm gonna hate losing you to
another woman.
You'll never lose me, Mom.
I'll always love you, no matter what.
Ay, chiquitn.
You see? Right there.
You need no tricks.
Just be the sweet, wonderful little boy
that you are.
Sweet little boy. Got it.
- She won't know what hit her. - Vaya para
all!
Hey, Manny, wanna make a sweet comb sheath?
Could not be a worse time, Claire.
Oh. It's so peaceful and quiet over here.
Ha-ha. If you came over here to gloat,
I already know it's a dud.
Actually, I came to give you this.
It's your favorite flavor- blue.
Thanks, honey.
- And your hair looks really nice. Hmm. -
Thanks.
I've been combing it all day.
All right, let's all give Luke a big hand
for being so brave.
This feels so weird. What does it eat?
Oh, just little boy brains.
Well, at least Luke's got nothing to worry
about.
- Is there mayo in this? - No. You're good.
So I was thinking that maybe we could go

slip away-
So, does anyone wanna pet the iguana?
- Hells, yeah. Oh, man. - Over here! Me!
Me!
I love lizards.
- What's his name? - Her name is Lizzy.
Wow. I totally get that.
You don't deserve this.
- What? - Hot reptile chick.
You know, probably has her own apartment,
obviously okay touching gross stuff.
- They're just talking. - You're right.
Dylan's far too sophisticated to get sucked
in...
by a single lady with tons of cool tattoos.
Hey. I think it peed on me.
- Oh, no. - No way, Mother Nature.
I can't believe he does that.
Hey, what am I missing, guys?
Aw, geez, Gloria.
Jay, look! I go high! Look! Look!
Guys, hit the road. Come on.
You're family men. Come on. Scat.
Great job, buddy.
Now comes the fun part. Rappel down.
It's really high.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself...
and the concrete.
But I'm right here, buddy.
Okay, just catch me.
I am brave. Roller coasters? Love 'em.
Scary movies? I've seen Ghostbusters, like,
seven times.
I regularly drive through neighborhoods...
that have only recently been gentrified.
So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of
anything.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody!
Quit your clownin' around. That's my job.
Except clowns.
Never shared that with the fam, so... shh.
Do have an image to maintain.
I am not really sure where the fear comes
from.
My mother says it's because when I was a
kid,
第 5 页 共 7 页
-【62】-
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I found a dead clown in the woods, but who
knows?
Hey. Oh. Well, you must be the birthday boy.
Is that you, Uncle Cam?
No. I'm Fizbo the clown.
I don't know who this Uncle Cam is,
but he sure sounds handsome, doesn't he?
- Hey, who likes balloon animals? - I do!
I do!
It's just Cam. It's just Cam.
- You all right? - What? Yeah.
Just have kind of a complicated
relationship with clowns.
Well, join the club.
Look, I came on strong with that whole funny
guy bit.
This is me just being myself.
Okay. Hey, do you know who that boy is over
there?
Oh. That's Dylan. He's Haley's boyfriend.
He's so cute and tall.
I'm still growing. Give me a break.
Pardon me, miss, but this little doggy
needs a new home.
Oh, thank you.
That's quite an impressive getup you got
there.
Thank you, Jay. Oh, by the way,
you have something on your shoulder.
That's good.
Never mind. It was nothing.
We're done here.
So, do you keep these at a zoo or something?
- No. I just keep 'em at my place. - That's
awesome.
I only have a cat.
Yeah? I used to have a cat.
I was just messing with you before,
but seriously, he's still talking to her.
- Wow. Cool. - On it.
- You know, this is one of- - I feel like
Britney Spears.
You're so funny.
You kind of do look like Britney Spears.
- Really? - I'm just kidding.
Anyway, this is probably my favorite.

Hey, jungle lady?
I think- I think one of your bugs got out.
What? This one?
This box thing here- It's on its side.
- Oh, my God. Where did it go? - Is
everything okay?
No. I lost a poisonous scorpion, and I need
to find it.
Okay, kids, let's all tuck our pants into
our socks.
Avoid shady, moist places,
and let's make a game of looking where we
step.
- Is he okay? - Can we see him?
He's in with the doctor right now.
These things happen, right?
No matter how careful you are.
Hey, look what Grandpa gave me- a
crossbow.,
- Sweetie, that does not look safe. - Don't
worry.
He's gonna show me how to use it.
That's what... I'm afraid of.
Come on. Ready?
Oh, my God. You are not making comb sheaths.
I am, and I know. It's really lame.
Everybody hates it.
No. It's just like, uh, Donna Rigby's
party.
Exactly! Yes! And I have the beads and
everything.
Amazing. This is awesome.
So... Cam's a clown.
Yeah.
- I totally got you. - And there's mine.
You think it's weird
- that we both chose people who were so-
uninhibited?
I was gonna say "Embarrassing," But yeah.
Look at them now. They're the life of the
party.
Uh, you know, I gotta say, for all his
craziness,
I love my clown.
Me too. They're good for us.
I would've totally tanked this party.
第 6 页 共 7 页
-【63】-
Modern.Family.S01E09
And I would've gotten my butt kicked at a
gas station.
- Sorry? - Turns out Fizbo is a real
bad-ass.
Scorpion! Scorpion! Scorpion!
Scorpion!
No, no. Too close. Too close. Too close.
What the hell?
Oh, crap!
- Calm down. - What happened?
We fired the crossbow.
No, I know. Oh, my God. It's right there.
Bianca, I'm coming.
- Who else is in there? - Get out!
It turns out I'm not the sweet guy or the
funny guy.
No, Manny, don't go in! Por favor!
I must!
I'm coming!
Manny Delgado is a man of action.
Wait. My dog is still in there.
I'll be right back.
Ow! My arm!
Sweetie? Luke?
- What happened, buddy? - What happened?
What happened, honey?
Hey, hey. What happened?
- I slipped on these stupid beads. - Oops.
Come on. Here we go.
How is he?
- Oh, he's gonna be fine. - Ay, Dios mio.
Hi, honey. How are you, kid?
- Oh, there he is. - Pobrecito.
You poor thing.
Wow. Everybody's here.
Of course we are. How's that busted
flipper?
- Okay. - Sorry about today, buddy.
We'll try again next year, huh?
Are you kidding? This was the best birthday
ever.
- What? - I got a cast.
- You like a cast? - I've always wanted one.
- After a few weeks, they start to smell.
-Ew!
You are so weird, you know that?
 Modern.Family.S01E09
- Can I sign it? - Sure.
- Hey. Me first. - Here.
If you'd asked me before the party...
if I wanted there to be a chain reaction
of disasters...
that led to Luke breaking his arm, I
probably would've said no.
- Probably? - Prob- Definite- Definitely
not.
Would not want that.
But, one way or another,
Luke was the center of attention on his
birthday,
and the whole family was together...
just the way it should be.
Fizbo delivery! I brought the cake!
Bravo!
I can't do this.
Oh, God. I'm out.
Cake.
Blow the candles. Blow the candles.
Bianca Douglas called me three times
tonight.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm starting to feel smothered.
I really like my cast, but it's starting
to itch.
Good thing my mom made me this personal
scratcher.
Oh, that's good stuff.
If another woman is messing with your man,
you have to get proactive.
I don't care how pretty she is
or how many stupid reptiles she has.
She tries to take what's mine,
girlfriend's gonna get stung.

第 7 页 共 7 页

-【64】-

Modern.Family.S01E10
Do we really have to wear these ugly
sweaters?
It's just until Grandma can see them.
My neck hole is too small.
Mine's itchy.
You know what? I'd rather be itchy than
chokey.
Come on, Phil. Hurry up.
Okay, here we go.
Connecting.
Come in, Florida. Over.
Mom? Dad?
Hello, Philip.
Merry Christmas Eve!
Merry Christmas Eve!
A little- little lower, Dad.
Merry Christmas Eve!
Thank you.
- Thanks for the sweaters. - I-I- Oh, you're
welcome.
You look beautiful in them, darling.
- Where's Mom? - Mom is sinking fast.
Uh-oh. She's in the bathtub.
Get it?
They have that claw-foot.
Honey, come on.
Hey, pops, here's the tree.
And, uh, there-there's the, uh- there's the
ornament you sent us.
Right here. Right here. Oh.
There are the stockings,
hung by the chimney by Claire.
Ah! Still funny, Son.
- What the hell is that? - Still funny.
What is that? That looks like a cigarette
burn.
- Was one of you smoking a cigarette? -
What?
- No. - Which one of you was smoking?
Not me. I have a respiratory problem.
Obviously it wasn't you.
- Now I've got a family of liars and smokers.
-Honey, come here.
You gotta see this.
Modern.Family.S01E10
Did you shoplift your Christmas presents
too?
- Philip? - Haley, keep that ugly sweater
on.
Anyway, merry Christmas!
No, no, it isn't that kind of a trial.
It's just because he says he's Santa Claus.
But I've got a feeling he is Santa Claus,
Mother.
Some people don't believe that. That's why-
Are you crying?
What are you, a robot? It's a deeply
emotional movie.
Manny, miamor, I need you to help me in the
kitchen.
We gotta finish this first, Gloria.
The kid's never seen Miracle on 34th
Street.
That's because he always
spends Christmas in Colombia with my
family.
And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso
Save Christmas.
- Sounds like a classic. - It is.
Mom, can we finish the movie?
Okay.
He's not like anyone else.
He must be Santa.
I think perhaps you're right, Susie.
What the hell is that?
What the hell is that?
- Inocente! - What the hell?
When you told me we were going to watch this
movie,
I got a joke copy from the Internet.
You are the inocente!
Well, maybe I'm a little confused right
now.
What is this "Inocente" Stuff?
In Colombia, practical jokes are a
Christmas tradition.
The one that is fooled is the inocente!
We tell practical jokes on April Fool's
Day,
So do not do that again.
"Inocente."

第 1 页 共 7 页

-【65】-
 Modern.Family.S01E10
Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined. you.
Are you kidding me with this line? I didn't know Christmas made you so petty.
I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes Lackluster!
of my life back. I hate you!
Would you cheer up? We're in Santa's This is unacceptable, and I want to know
Village with our daughter. who did this.
Where were we a year ago? Nobody, huh?
We were at the beginning of this line. I guess the couch did it to itself.
You know what? Somebody needs to get in the Guess it came home after a tough day,
holiday- son of a bitch. lit up a cigarette and then it burned
Maybe it's not them. itself.
Oh, it's them. Is that what happened? Because that makes
It's them. no sense.
Three years ago, I formed a caroling group. If whoever is responsible doesn't come
We were known as The Greensleevers. forward,
We would perform at charity events, your father and I are just gonna have to
hospitals- punish all three of you.
They were very, very popular. What?
Uh, last year, one of my carolers- - That's not fair! - I can forgive the
Andrew- staged a little coup. smoking,
And he, um- - but I can't forgive the lie. - No.
They kicked Cameron out of the group. Or the smoking.
Thank you. No one wants to confess, huh? No?
We're the New Greensleevers. That's fine, 'cause you know what happens
The New Greensleevers? next?
Is there a slap mark on my face? We cancel Christmas!
I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? That's not fair.
It's like people are applauding out of Okay, Dad, sure.
shock. Phil has a habit of making big
- Let it go. - Why would- pronouncements to the kids.
- Okay, next. - Ah, finally. One time I told Luke...
Whoa! I'm- I'm sorry. Can I- Could you- that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in
What happened to the other Santa? the dishwasher,
Listen, we've been waiting in this line for we would put them in his bed.
a really long time, Phil's problem is follow-through.
and we just want a Santa that actually looks We had no more dishes,
like Santa. so we were eating cereal out of the goldfish
Mitchell, it's okay. bowl.
No, no, no. Cam, it's not okay. Okay. Guess where I'm headed?
This is Lily's first Christmas. To take down the tree. That's right.
I want to make sure everything is perfect. - Come on, guys. - This is your last chance.
We're gonna wait for the fat Santa. All Whoever did this, just take
right? responsibility.
I knew this would happen. Don't put the rest of us through this. Luke?
I-I don't even know why we hired this guy. No?
See? Even his elves agree with me. Thank This is really it. Okay? Here we go.

第 2 页 共 7 页

-【66】-

Three, two, one.
Okay. Good-bye, Dunphy Christmas.
Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
- I was getting a car? - Nope.
I was lying, because that's what we do now.
Dunphys are liars.
When I was in charge, it was all about the
music.
I mean, what's with them tossing out candy
canes after every carol?
- It's pandering. - I think you
made that clear when you tossed them back.
How am I supposed to get all this in the
car?
- Let me give you a hand with that. - Uh,
thanks.
- Thanks. Thanks, Santa. - Can't call me
that anymore.
Just got canned.
Oh- really?
Guess a couple people complained I wasn't
fat enough.
Well, that's terrible.
That's what I get for trying not to have
a second heart attack.
There you go. Always a way to make room.
Take it from someone who lives in his car.
Oh, well, thank you so much.
No problem. Merry Christmas.
Um, wait, wait. Um, please,
uh, let me give you a little something...
- for your troubles. - No, that's okay.
- Gosh. Really? Okay. -Do you really live
in your car?
Yeah. It's not so bad.
It's pretty roomy since the wife moved out.
Why don't you come over to our place for
dinner tonight?
- Seriously? - Yeah. It's Christmas Eve.
Y-You can't spend it in your car.
Wow, that's really nice of you guys.
Listen, can I bring anything?
Ketchup, soy sauce, straws?
We're good.
So, uh, why don't you follow us to our
house?
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【67】-
Modern.Family.S01E10
Okay. In your house.
All right!
- Cameron. - What?
Okay. Tonight, 9:00 sharp,
we open one present each.
Pajamas- which we sleep in.
Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.M., Manny,
on the stairs for the Christmas picture.
Then we open presents.
In Colombia,
they open presents at midnight and stay up
till morning.
I'm sure that they do,
but as you'll notice from the absence of
goats in the street,
we are not in Colombia.
Come on! I'm kidding.
Why can't we mix a couple of Colombian
traditions in?
- Like what? - Like fireworks.
Come on. You don't have fireworks in
Colombia.
You're trying to make me the inocente
again.
No, we do. At night the sky is beautiful-
very Christmassy.
That doesn't make any sense.
Look, every country has their own
traditions.
In our culture, for example,
the baby Jesus is the one... that brings
the gifts,
not the Santa Claus.
But that doesn't make sense.
How could a newborn baby carry all those
presents?
They don't even know where their hands are.
At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap?
You'd squish it.
Manny, next year we'll talk about
some of your little Colombian traditions.
- Okay? Maybe. - I know what "Maybe" Means.
It's like you're trying to take away my
whole Christmas.
I can't believe it's all gone.

Dad never follows through.
Are you sure one of your friends didn't burn
the couch?
Hey, don't look at me.
Only one of us was ever caught playing with
matches.
Luke?
That was a year ago. Just admit you did it.
- You admit you did it! - No!
Okay. Look, I have an idea.
Do you remember the movie Spartacus?
Here's what we do:
Luke, you tell Mom and Dad it's your fault.
- I didn't do it. - It doesn't matter.
Because after you confess,
Haley and I will each confess to the same
thing.
How does that do anything?
They'll be so touched that we're protecting
each other...
that they'll have to bring back Christmas.
That's awesome.
How does it work again?
We're gonna pass into legend.
The parents who canceled Christmas.
I thought you'd be happy.
They'II write songs about us,
make one of those Christmas specials with
those ugly little clay people.
You're the one who always says
I shouldn't be such a pushover with the
kids.
So this is where you decide to make your
stand?
- Really, Phil? - Okay. Okay, look.
Don't worry. We're going to have Christmas.
We've raised our kids right.
Whoever did it will come forward.
Or the other two will rat 'em out.
Mom, Dad.
Hey, Luke. What, uh- What can we do for you?
I did it.
I was playing with matches. I'm sorry.
You, uh- You did the right thing- Yeah.
by confessing, but, um-
This is bad, buddy.
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I mean, really bad, okay?
Claire, you want to handle this?
Um, Luke, why didn't you say something?
Mmm, I don't know.
Okay, well, your father and I are extremely
disappointed in you,
so- go up to your room. Go on.
Alex!
We'll be up to talk to you in a minute. Just
go.
- Haley! - What?
- Say something! - About what?
- Uh, I take it back! - What is going on?
These guys were gonna say they did it too,
and you were gonna be proud of all of us.
Why would we do that?
I don't know what to believe with this kid.
Liars! I didn't do it!
- Well, it wasn't me. - Don't look at me.
- Seriously? - Wait.
Nobody did it again?
No, that's fine.
Guess what? Christmas is still canceled.
That's fine by me.
Let's start working on next year.
Hey, and memo to New Year's Eve... and
Easter-
Watch your back!
So, after I left the marines, I just kinda
traveled the world.
Now I go from town to town picking up odd
jobs.
Oh. Kinda like the Hulk.
That's weird. That was my nickname in the
corps-
'cause of my bad temper.
Anyway, thanks for having me over,
having me for dinner, letting me do my
laundry.
It's not been a good day.
Um, Scott, I-I have a confession to make.
Um, I didn't, uh-
I didn't clean the lint tray,
so, um, your clothes might be a little
pilly.
Oh, no problem. That's the least of my

worries.
Thanks for everything. You guys made my
day.
- It's the least we could do. - What do you
mean?
I don't know... what I was saying.
- I just say we never tell him. - Exactly.
We give him some money, a hot meal, laundry.
I think we're square.
Agreed. Okay, how does this thing work?
I think you just press that button right
there in the middle. Yeah.
- Oh, my - Okay. That...
That seems a little high, doesn't it?
Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that.
It's like something astronauts train in.
Ho, ho, ho! It's me! Ho, ho, ho! It's me!
- It's your dad. - Yeah.
Hey, Dad.
I brought your presents.
Aren't we seeing you tomorrow, Jay?
These are your Christmas Eve gifts.
- You know the drill. - Oh, yeah.
You open those up before bedtime. They're
pajamas.
Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Well, someone has to.
I got two Colombians at home
trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de
Mayo.
You know that's Mexican, right?
Ah, burrito, "Bur-right-o."
Christmas should be Christmas.
Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate,
opening the presents.
That was supposed to be
the good thing about having a kid in the
house again.
I can have Christmas the way we used to.
I hear you, Jay.
If I was home right now,
I'd be mixin' up a bathtub full of eggnog
and trying to squeeze a greased hog into
a Santa hat.
You don't think I miss that?
Do you?
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The point is that those are memories that
I'll always have,
but now I have the perfect opportunity...
to create new memories with my new
family...
that are gonna be just as special someday.
Aw. No. Cam's right, you know.
We create new traditions every year.
So, who's ready to try the swing?
Okay, now remind me.
We put this in the oven first thing tomorrow
'cause Jay wants to eat at 3:00.
Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the
fridge?
Oh, yeah. Inocente.
Ay, papi, what's wrong?
I want to have Christmas like they do in
Colombia.
Jay is messing everything up.
Manny, try to understand.
Jay has great memories with his kids when
they were young.
And he just wants to recreate them with you.
So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay
would be...
Christmas like he used to have it?
Ay, you're such a beautiful boy!
One day you're gonna grow up, and I'm gonna
miss...
all the things that you used to do as a
little boy.
Okay. But if this so-called Santa Claus...
doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket,
we're going to have a big problem.
Honey?
Would it really be so bad to back down?
And have the kids never take any of our
threats seriously again?
Yeah.
Or... the kids could realize...
that we're making a supreme sacrifice by
giving up our power
to save their Christmas.
Which would, in a way, be
the greatest gift that we could ever give
them.

And which would paradoxically make them
respect us even more.
Okay, forget that. Go back one.
Hey, guys.
It- it was me.
- What? - What?
I found a cigarette at school,
and when no one was home, I- I tried it.
And I-I guess I held it too close to the
couch.
I'm so sorry.
You can take my Christmas away,
but don't take it from everyone else.
That is very noble of you to care about the
family,
but you still smoked and lied.
That's really bad.
- Now help me grab the tree. - Phil.
Phil, Alex, come on back.
Starting December 26, you are grounded for
a full week,
and that includes New Year's Eve.
- But, I was - Yeah, non-negotiable. So...
Fine.
Everybody!
It's official! Christmas is back on!
- It is? - What happened?
Doesn't matter.
Stockings, lights, ornaments, wreath!
- Go, go, go! - Okay.
Well, that sounds like a stressful job to
me.
Not as much as you'd think.
They always made sure one of us had a blank,
so nobody knew who took the fatal shot.
This was mighty tasty.
Well, I don't want to overstay my welcome.
You won't have me back.
You guys enjoy the rest of your night.
You're good people.
Scott. Wait, wait.
Don't forget your laundry.
Oh! Thanks. Thanks, thanks, thanks,
thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Scott, merry Christmas to you, too.
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And happy. Son of a bitch.
- What? - Oh. It's the New Greensleevers.
They're Cameron's old caroling group.
They kicked him out this year.
I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of
the group,
but to rub my nose in it!
I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know it feels good to get even.
Believe me.
To see the fear in a man's eyes is-
but there's something that feels even
better.
Forgiveness.
Scott, you don't understand.
This- this group was my Dreamgirls.
I was Effie.
You know what the best thing I did all day
was?
Forgiving you for getting me fired.
Andrew.
Ensemble.
Uh, I know it's no accident that you're here
on my street tonight.
And I- I just wanted to say to you all that
you sound great.
And... merry Christmas.
Even your apology is off-key.
Not cool, buddy.
Well, I should, uh, probably scoot.
But- but- but what about forgiveness?
You were nice. He was naughty.
Where were you for so long?
Just a little last-minute shopping.
- What's this? - Bunuelos.
- Who? What? - Cheese fritters.
It's a Colombian traditional Christmas
food.
Okay, new rule: From now on...
we do Colombian things when we're in
Colombia.
We do American things when we're in
America.
That means no more of your food,
no more of your music...
 Modern.Family.S01E10
and especially no more of your crazy Who wants some dark meat?
holidays! We talk a lot about tradition this time of
- Inocente! - Ay, Jay! year.
What? Did I say it wrong? But as much as we love our traditions,
You two are total inocentes! sometimes our best memories come
You should see the look on your faces. from the times that are the most
And by the way- You know how untraditional.
hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Inocente!
Eve? We remember the year Mom and Dad went crazy.
Go, Manny. Thank you. We remember the year Santa punched out the
All righty. Here's another one for Luke. caroler.
- Looks like a book. - I have a book already. But for me, this was the year that the word
What is that? Oh, my God. The couch is "Tradition"...
smoking. got a lot bigger.
It's sunlight. There's Cam.
It's the ornament. Ah, you didn't.
Cool. It's like a magnifying glass. You got me again.
Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a
hole...
in the exact same spot that Alex was smoking
in.
Oh, Haley.
Alex, why'd you take the blame?
I didn't want to lose Christmas.
That is so stinking beautiful.
Get in here.
- No. - Yes.
- Oh, no. - Yes.
- Oh, yes! - Bear hug!
Wait a- You were going to take
Christmas away for something that none of
us did?
Well, um, Christmas is about moving
forward.
I've never heard that.
Actually, honey, you did kinda shoot your
mouth off.
You called us all liars.
Yeah, you did, and then...
Let's not all get worked up. I made a
mistake!
I made a mistake. And people make mistakes.
And they make up for those mistakes-
by... taking their family to Italy!
Oh, my God! Yeah!
- Can Dylan come? - Yeah! Yeah!

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What's the most irritating thing my parents
say to me?
"That's too much cologne."
"That's how girls end up dead."
"Don't talk black to me."
"It's inappropriate because she's your
teacher."
How do you even talk black?
End words with "Izzle"?
It's "Talk back," You idiot.
"Act more like an adult."
What does "Act more like an adult" even
mean?
Look at you, you're soaked! That is so lame.
You're the one who wanted to do it!
What are you two doing?
Oh, I picked up one of those Water Weasels.
You hook it on the end
of the hose and it flies around in the air.
Just like a weasel.
Yeah. Look at how awesome. He's so wet.
I put the weasel in my pants.
- He totally did. - Dork!
Is there a reason why my window's wet?
- Hmm. Very difficult to say. - I don't
know.
- Up top- Ow! Ow! - What's wrong?
- Little- - Sweetie, you okay?
Little twinge. Yeah.
I'll call 911.
Maybe the firemen will come.
- No, no! No, no! - Give me it!
The firemen in our town have a reputation
for being hot.
Do I resent that?
Of course not. These guys are my friends.
I play basketball with them. I bake for 'em.
My question is: What's hot?
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Coming.
Manny, it's inappropriate because it's
your teacher.
What's the big deal anyway?
It's a surprise. You'll see.
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Oh, my God!
- Ay, Jay, you didn't? - Yes, I did.
I got us into that new Benihana.
They got a chef there that can flip a shrimp
into his own hat.
What the hell?
- Dad! - There's my boy!
- The hell is he doing here? - Jay.
No. He was supposed to pick up manny
yesterday
and disappointed him again, as usual.
Now he just sails in here out of the blue?
I don't like the guy. Do I have reasons?
Yeah.
Good reasons? Yeah.
How many reasons do I need?
None. I don't like the guy.
So I would have called,
but while I was buying this boat for a
friend,
I got chased out to sea by another boat
"Tiqui tiqui".
Were they pirates?
- I didn't stop to ask. - Well, it's not
hard to tell.
Did they have curvy swords and
sing songs about how fun it is to be a
pirate?
Jay. Such a beautiful house, huh?
So, we were just headed out to dinner.
What, you think I show up empty-handed?
I brought dinner- lobsters!
- Did you catch them with your bare hands?
- No.
But I bought them with my bare hands.
And I have some nice wine, a good Cuban
cigar for Jay.
Hey, why don't you take a picture of him
with your new camera phone.
- I don't have a camera phone. - You do now.
Awesome!
All of this excitement, my heart is just
going.
Now, listen to me.
You bring that with you when you come visit
me this summer.

We'll go in a race car with my friend,
and after that, maybe a bullfight.
I know all these guys.
The matadors, they're like artists.
You're quite the bullfight artist
yourself.
I, uh- Manny, why don't you show your father
to the kitchen?
Por favor. Dios mo. Someone put on some
music.
Tonight, we dance!
Oh, we're gonna dance.
Oye, mi amor, est bien que me quede aqu esta
noche?
Ay, Javier, yo no s. Esprate para ver qu
puedo hacer.
What did he say? Does he need money for the
lobsters?
- Jay, be nice. - "Be nice."
I could be sitting grill-side,
watching a guy build an onion volcano.
Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen,
and I got a stolen boat in my driveway.
If it was for me, he'd be out of my life.
But it's good for Manny to be with his
father.
I just can't believe you ever fell for that
act.
Colombians can be very persuasive.
They can make you agree to things before
you even know it.
You must have been pretty naive.
Yeah. But now I'm with the right man, okay?
Right.
Javier is only going to stay one night.
Good.
Wait, what?
Don't be mad. I just got up to change her.
Well, Mitchell really wanted to Ferberize
the baby.
Ferberize. It is a method of
getting the baby to sleep through the
night...
by, yes, basically letting her cry herself
to sleep.
Torture.
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It's not torture, Cam.
It's just hard if you happen to be a person
who hates to hear another person suffer.
Or two people suffer.
No, no. You got up to comfort her,
which only teaches her that every time she
cries,
her daddy will come in and cuddle her and
put on her favorite-
What are we watching?
Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece
Scarface.
For the baby?
She happens to like it.
I don't know if it's the colors or the
sounds-
Oh, here comes the nightclub massacre. She
loves it.
Watch her little eyelids.
It's so cute. They get so heavy.
Oh, that's bad.
- Oh, honey. - I'm fine. No, I'm fine.
I'm just- Okay, that's cancer.
Maybe it's just a kidney stone.
"Just," Claire?
What's going on, guys?
It's nothing. Go back to bed.
- No, but Dad... - Don't touch me.
I bet it's just a kidney stone.
"Just" Again.
Someone get your mom a glass of water...
and a piece of gravel from the driveway and
see how she likes it.
Why is everybody yelling?
Something's wrong with Dad.
Don't frighten him. Come here.
Oh, that's gotta be death! Death is coming!
- Okay, you need to go to the hospital. -
Yeah.
No, no, no. I just need a pill.
Give me the biggest one you can find.
Honey, breathe. Just-Just breathe.
That's what I told you when youwere in labor
and you threw my smoothie at me. Pill!
- Okay, I'm calling. - No, no, it's fine!
It's actually- It's fine. It's passing.

It's passing.
I am sorry to alarm everyone.
I think I was probably just overreacting,
because there's an alien inside of me!
Oh, my God.
- Oh, close it down. - I am definitely gonna
call.
All systems down. All systems down.
- Son of a bitch. - What's the matter?
He's playing on my pool table, that's what.
Probably got himself a nice drink too.
Where you going, Jay?
- Just to check things out, okay? - Come
on.
You hear that? Now he's messing around with
my remote control.
You can't hear that from here!
Hey, there.
Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry. Did I wake you
up?
No. No, I'm a light sleeper.
- That's what happens when you get older.
- Oh, you're not old.
I didn't say I was old.
I never sleep much anyway.
Life is just more interesting after 2:00
A.M.
You know, the liquor tastes better,
the, uh, women are more beautiful.
What is it they say?
That the night belongs to the poets and the
madmen.
- Which are you? - Perhaps both.
And I think maybe you too, huh?
I see a picture over here of you on a
motorcycle.
- You ride? - I used to.
Used to? Used to?
Jay,
the saddest words in any language, my
friend.
Hey, help me out here.
Everybody sees you as this great guy.
You know, you live this life of adventure.
How come I don't buy a word of it?
All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.
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Hey, Manny knows me. I live in the now.
Well, I was living in the yesterday
when Manny was crying outside that door...
cause you didn't show up for the 10th time.
And when I don't come, you think,
uh- what, I'm just off chasing a good time,
hmm?
You ever think it might be hard for me,
coming here?
Why? Because of Gloria?
Because of you.
Cam!
Okay, they're on their way.
Okay, kids, gather around.
Like you're hugging me, but don't touch me,
okay?
Now look, I'm gonna be fine.
We know, Dad.
We don't know that.
It's a miracle I'm standing up.
But look, in case anything happens-
I want you to know that if I'd had time,
I would have fixed that step.
- Thanks, Dad. - I love you.
Don't cry, Luke. I'm okay.
I broke the coffee table!
That's okay.
What?
I broke the glass coffee table.
The one you swore you didn't break,
and then we blamed Esperanza and fired
her...
and she stole a turkey at Thanksgiving for
her family
and got deported?
- Yeah. - Damn it!
- I'm sorry. - You will be sorry!
- They're here! - Really?
Did you hear that?
Luke broke the-
Hey, you changed your clothes.
Well, I had- I had to get dressed.
Into that sexy, clingy-
Oh, my God. It's the firemen.
No, sweetie.
And lipstick!

I'm out here convulsing in agony
and you're looking for cute tops to wear?
I just threw on the first thing I could
find.
We got a minute, if you wanna try on some
tighter jeans-
Oh, Phil, sweetie.
Oh, no. By all means, Claire,
we want you looking your sexiest...
when the hunky, gay firemen get here!
- How we doing? - We're great.
- He meant me! - All right.
Cameron!
No, listen, Jay. You're a tough guy to
compete with.
I mean, look at all you have.
So Manny has to suffer?
No. You're right.
Look, I'm going to try harder.
But maybe it's a good thing that he has the
two of us.
From you, he learns stability.
From me, he learns how to be spontaneous,
grab life by the throat.
Well, we do a little throat grabbing
ourselves around here, you know.
We were on our way to Benihana when you
showed up.
Hey, as long as my boy follows his passion.
The worst career decision I ever made
was playing baseball, but I loved every
minute of it.
You played baseball?
I lived baseball.
I only made it to Triple-A,
but I played with all those guys- Sosa,
McGwire.
You look like you played some.
I played in high school.
I was all right. Never hit a curve ball.
So that's a dream of yours?
To- To hit a curve?
Used to be.
"Used to be." Por favor.
I said that again, right?
Hey, please. Come on.
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You're right, I shouldn't say that.
What are you guys doing?
Manny, did we wake you up? I'm sorry.
No. I was doing my science extra credit.
- Of course you were. - So, can I play?
That's up to your dad.
Actually, I think we're done with pool for
right now.
I have a better idea for the three of us.
Vamos.
So, how do you know this guy?
He owes me a little favor.
This is the coolest night ever!
Now, let's see about that curve ball.
- Out. - I thought you were-
Those were pillows. Come on. Come on.
Cameron, do you realize how infuriating
this is?
The whole point of Ferberizing...
is to teach her to put herself to sleep,
and you keep ruining it.
I can't help it. I'm like a mother bear.
When I hear my cub crying, I have to run
to her.
Except you're not a bear. Get in our room.
Get- Cam, get in there. Get in there.
- Cut it out. - All the way- Our room.
Get! Get in there.
Come on. Come on. Get in there. Get!
That's so unfair. Why not?
Because that's how girls end up dead.
- Hey, honey. - Hey, guys.
We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Is this a bad time?
No, we're just giving him something to
relax before the procedure.
Which is gonna go just fine.
- Oh, we know. - We don't know.
In case it doesn't,
promise me you'll be nice to your new
fireman daddy.
Unbelievable.
My wife got dressed up for the firemen last
night.
I didn't get dressed up for the firemen.
Those heels were really hot.

- You put on heels? - Let's drop it.
What are they doing to you, Dad?
I have a little scratchy rock inside of me
and they're sliding in a tube and sucking
it out.
You're not scared, are you?
When was the last time you saw your old man
scared?
When you walked through the spiderweb.
When we were playing with the Ouija board
and the wind blew the door shut.
There was no wind, buddy. We brought
something forth.
Oh. This stuff's really hitting me.
My insides feel like velvet.
Why don't you guys wait out in the hallway,
okay?
- Feel better, Dad. - I will.
- Love you, Dad. - Love you.
- Love you. - Luke, buddy, hold back a sec.
This is not gonna happen, okay,
but there is a scenario
where you could be the man of the house...
and you need to know all the PIN numbers
and passwords.
- 741 - I don't wanna be the man of the
house.
Now, don't talk black to me.
Honey, your dad's gonna be fine.
Why don't you wait out in the hall. He'll
be fine, okay?
Honey, I'm just gonna run them to school.
I'll be back right after.
- Okay. Claire? - Yeah.
You did get dressed up, didn't you?
I pulled on the first thing I saw, okay?
Okay, I'll drop it
'cause this stuff is making me fall asleep.
And if I never wake up, I'd hate
for the last thing you ever said to me to
be a lie.
I might have gotten dressed up just a tiny
bit.
- I knew it. - Oh, damn it!
Manny, we're gonna be late for school.
Why are you so tired today?
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Any reason I can't take him?
I'm surprised you're up.
I know what time you went back to bed.
Oh, it was nothing. We just went out, we
hit a few balls.
And you'll never guess where.
I guess Javier knew a guy.
And you know what?
Now that he knows you,
the next time he needs something, you are
the guy.
Ay, Dios mo. Did you took him with you?
You couldn't wait to get to school to do
that?
Manny, vamonos para el colegio.
Let's go. We're gonna be so late. Vamonos.
Vamos a llegar tardsimo, Manny,
qu te pasa? Get in the car.
I thought you said you wanted me to bond
with Javier.
I said be nice, Jay.
I didn't say take Manny up all night and
play games.
- Then we got hot dogs. - Ay. Go to sleep!
If I wanted to be married to a wild man,
I would have stayed with Javier.
Qu pasa?
- Dad! - Por dios, no.
What the hell?
Wait a minute.
- You're not leaving, are you? - I've got
school.
- What? School? - Yes, school.
That's where people go to learn things,
like not to keep children up all night.
- He told her? - He's weak.
Well, listen, you said you used to like
riding motorcycles, right?
So I brought you one.
- I know. But I kind of got work. - Work.
- Go, Jay. - Yeah, go.
Yes, go, Jay, and take Manny with you too!
Okay.
No, Manuel Alberto!
In the car or I put you in the trunk!
Jay, I'm not gonna argue anymore.

I'm not gonna say anything else. Do
whatever you want.
But I don't wanna hear you any more saying
that Colombians are crazy,
'cause you're the one that is acting crazy,
even though he's the one that is making you
act crazy.
So I don't know what the hell I'm talking
about! Manny!
You didn't need to come home during nap
time.
Think we proved last night that I did.
Well, she's back there now, so why don't
you go,
so you don't get in trouble.
That's okay. I told everyone
that I have an unreliable partner,
and, uh, they understood.
You know what? I don't need to sit here and
be condescended to.
I'm gonna make myself an ice tea.
I will bring you down.
You can't bring me down.
I'll sweep your legs.
There's something wrong with you...
that the sound of our child in such distress
doesn't bother you more.
She's not in distress,
and this just proves that you need this more
than she does.
I'm Ferberizing two babies.
Raccoons slipped into the lawsons' home
and stole a loaf of bread.
Your point?
That we left Lily's window open a crack,
and those raccoons need something to put
between that bread,
and that is Lily's "Help me" Cry.
- I'm coming for you, Lily. - No, you're
not.
You are not coming, Cameron.
Let me go! Hey, stop it!
Let go! Get off me! What are you doing?
- Stop! - I will not stop.
Stop being such a baby. I'm coming for you!
- What? - Oh, my ankle.
第 6 页 共 8 页
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My ankle.
Ay! I guess you didn't kill yourself in the
motorcycle today.
Well, I figured you were looking forward
to killing me,
so I'm not gonna take that away from you.
Hey, did Javier call you?
No, why?
He's dragging me to this bar with some of
his old baseball pals.
He was supposed to be here at 5:00.
- Ah, he's dragging you, huh? - Yeah.
I figured it would be okay.
I've seen half these guys play.
Javier says it's cool.
- What? What's the joke? - Nothing.
It's just funny to me... that you make fun
of me
because I was seduced by him,
but here you are-
No one is getting seduced.
I'm doing this for Manny.
Yeah, it's very important for Manny
that you two go and have a nice picnic in
the mountains.
First of all, it wasn't a picnic. We stopped
for coffee.
They just happened to be selling crepes.
Listen. Let me know when he calls, all
right?
Geez, it's almost 6:00.
The kids are so excited for you to come
home.
Oh, me too.
Yeah, Luke made you a sign.
- Oh, he's a sweetie. - Yeah. You seem
great.
- I am great. - Good.
Except for that fireman thing.
- You remember it? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, okay. Look, I am sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Ah, no.
There's no excuse for it.
I think I just spend so much time in dowdy
mom clothes,
and I'm covered in paste and peanut butter,

and I just- I wanted to feel attractive for
a second, you know?
I'm sorry. I really-
Honey, I just need a little bit of time.
- Gonna be fine. - Okay.
- Yeah. - Okay.
I was already fine with it.
Here's the deal: Claire messed up.
She owed me.
This never happens.
Old Phil has a golden ticket.
Now, I could have cashed that in right away
for something small-
get out of cleaning the garage, a week at
circus camp.
- Still fresh. - Yeah.
But the longer you hold on to it, the more
the guilt builds,
the more you get.
Five years: Trip to Paris with my buddies.
Ten years: Sweet little convertible.
Twenty years:
Hello, fully articulating, five-function
robot...
that can read my mind and has feelings.
Phil, you're not leaving without saying
good-bye, are you?
Hey, Elaine.
- Is this your husband? - Uh-huh.
- Good-bye, Paris. - I'm visiting my
sister...
and he was entertaining us all afternoon
with his card tricks.
- Is that Phil? - Hey.
Hey, Mom, Phil's leaving.
- Without a hug? - Wow.
Good-bye, fully articulating,
five-function robot with the ability to-
Good-bye.
Brittany, hurry, honey. Phil's leaving.
You're fine.
- How's your ankle? - It's cold.
- I'm sorry I hurt you. - No. No, don't be.
I-
I could have just as easily hurt you.
Well, it's cute that you think that.
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Listen, Cam, I- I can't always be the bad
cop here.
I-I know it's my issue,
but she can't grow up with
one huggy, happy, cuddly dad...
and one frowny, lesson-teachy dad.
Because guess which one
she's gonna ask to walk her down the aisle.
Uh- Y- Okay, you know what?
I can be the bad cop sometimes.
I'll always make her eat her vegetables.
- Okay. Dentist. - Deal.
- Good. - As long as you make her practice
her violin.
Oh, yeah. The violin. I like that.
And we're both walking her down the aisle.
Assuming you can walk by then.
Do you need to go to the hospital for that?
No, God. No, no. It's not that bad.
Oh, you meant call 911, didn't you?
Firemen.
Yeah, you call, and I'm gonna change my
shirt.
So, if I'm supposed to act like an adult,
is that act like adults I see in the world-
Or the adults in my family?
'Cause if it's the ones in my family-
- Come on. Let's go. - All right.
Then...
how hard could that be?
Doing the card tricks at the hospital
really got me fired up about my magic again.
Is this your card?
Yes. Oh, my gosh.
It's- It's not, is it?
No, uh, no. It's not.
The hardest part is when people forget
their card,
because then I look like the idiot.
- All right. Let's do it again. - We really
have to go.
- You think I like this? - I'm sorry.
Here. I'm gonna teach you one, okay?
On the count of three, just grab this. You
ready?
- Put your hand out. - Okay.
 Modern.Family.S01E11
One, two, three. There it is.
No. What was that?
Thank you.
Are you kidding me?

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-【79】-

Modern.Family.S01E12
Beautiful morning, isn't it?
It's a shame you have to work, huh? Yeah.
Anyway, I'd like a large sausage and
pepperoni-
It's my stuff, okay?
Just keep your hands off my stuff!
I didn't put my hands on your stuff.
Hey! Just a second, Derek.
What is the problem?
- Alex read my journal. - I did not!
Why would I even want to read your stupid
journal?
Because it contains the details of a life,
and you don't have one!
Alex, don't read Haley's journal.
Sorry. My daughters.
You got kids?
- Oh. What grade are you in? - Phil!
Oh, that's my wife, Claire.
Luke was using my computer for this.
I'm gonna have to, uh, call you back.
He told me he needed it to do homework,
and then I find this, a-a picture...
of a topless woman,
with the biggest boobs I have ever seen,
driving a tractor.
Okay. Um- Uh, first of all,
- that's a combine, not a tractor. - Phil!
Phil! It is smut,
and our 10-year-old is looking at smut!
- It's disgusting! - Completely
unacceptable.
Here's the thing. That was my picture.
Well, not really mine.
There's this guy at work who sends out these
links.
Doesn't matter who.
Gil Thorpe.
He sent out another one
of the same woman dressed as a battleship.
You know, the- You get- Yeah.
And then one of the Transformers- And then
it-
Anyway, I had every intention of telling
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【80】-
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Claire.
I just wanted her to calm down first.
Where are you going?
I'm going to pick up Luke from his
sleepover.
We need to talk to him about this now.
Claire, this is a very delicate situation.
If we don't handle it right,
Luke might end up having an unhealthy
attitude about sex...
or agribusiness.
We'll talk about it when he gets home.
Okay, fine.
But I am telling him
that every time he looks at porn, God kills
a puppy.
Maybe I should be the one to talk to him.
I am a very lucky woman.
I have a wonderful family,
a beautiful home.
There's nothing that I would change.
I hate the dog butler.
I keep forgetting it's there. And every
time it happens,
it scares me all over again.
Sometimes, at night,
I think it's the devil.
El diablo.
Barkley? He's hilarious.
I was in Vegas last month and I was winning.
And I thought, I could do the usual,
be a chump, give the money back to the
casino,
or I could do something smart
and buy something for myself at the casino
store.
He's already a family favorite.
Rub his chin, a little under there. He likes
that.
There you go. Beautiful. There you go.
He's a dog and a butler. I mean, who
couldn't love him?
Come.
Dog.
- Okay, ready to go. - Make sure you pee
first.

What am I, seven years old?
No. You do not want to go during the show.
The marionettes stop what they're doing,
march to the edge of the stage and point
at you.
- Okay, that sounds terrifying. - No, it's
really funny.
Oh, one of my favorite childhood memories
was attending the Moscow Marionette
Theater.
I grew up one mile away from Missouri's
largest waterslide.
And third largest in the country.
Oh, really, Cam. You never mentioned that
before.
- You feel like- - Feel like a torpedo.
Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work
on Saturdays?
I don't know. He comes when we need him.
He's like Batman but straight.
Is he crying?
Oh, yeah. We should probably go out the back,
huh?
He's clearly in pain.
How can you just turn your back on a friend
like that?
A friend? Really? What's his name?
Caesar Salazar.
You made that up. You were gonna say "Caesar
Salad."
- Was not. - Cam. Come on. Really?
All right, don't worry, Lily.
I'm sure we'll get to the show on time.
I'm sure Dad is just gonna go out
and give an encouraging word to the
gardener,
hopefully mention the snail problem,
and then we are gonna be on- - No.
No, no. Cam, no-
- Hello. - I don't think he speaks English.
Okay, this might be a good time to mention
to you...
that the marionettes are not kind to
latecomers.
They bend over and show their bloomers.
Okay, I speak a little Spanish. Seor-
第 2 页 共 7 页
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Gracias.
What was that?
I just asked him if he wanted to have a glass
of water...
and sit down for a minute,
like any kind person would.
Okay, I checked the rest of the computers
in the house.
I didn't find any more porn.
That was hardly porn.
It was a topless woman on a tractor.
You know what they call that in Europe? A
cereal commercial.
- I should go talk to him. - Honey,
honey, honey. I got this. I got this.
No, no, no, no. I got this. I got this.
I was his age once.
Breasts are like these scary, mystical
things...
that he's drawn to like Frodo to Mordor.
- Okay, I'm definitely going- - No, no, no,
no, no.
Boys don't want their moms talking to 'em
about sex...
any more than girls want their dads talking
to 'em about periods,
bras and girdles and all that stuff.
You do know that women stopped wearing
girdles, like, 30 years ago?
Honey, I know, I know.
That-That-That is exactly the kind of
sexual revolution...
that our son is going through right now.
So, just- Let's just- just trust it.
Fix that step. Just know,
I will handle this, okay?
El diablo.
Hey, Gloria,
do you have any idea why Barkley was in the
guest room?
I was just doing a little redecorating.
Sometimes it's good to move things around
just to see how they look.
Yeah, but the guest room? That's crazy.
He's not a guest. He works for us.
Hey, give me a hand here, will you?

I think his jacket shifted while I was
moving him.
We can't have you untucked, our little
butler.
That doesn't make any sense, does it, boy?
What was that? Is he all right?
Ay, no. My bracelet got
- caught a little bit here. - Well, don't
panic.
- I'm not panicking. - All right, try to
relax.
We can fix him.
Let me take a better look. Come here, boy.
- Luke? - Hey, Dad.
Hey, buddy. Um, look.
You and I need to have a little talk.
- About what? - Well, it's about computer
stuff.
How do you make sure you've deleted
something after you read it?
Sorry, Jay. It was an accident.
You know, I'm beginning to think you don't
like Barkley that much.
I mean, first you hide him in the guest room,
and now this.
It's ridiculous. I didn't mean to hurt it.
First of all, let's cut the "It"s. He is
a he.
And you can pretend to be innocent all you
want,
but action speaks louder than words.
Yeah. They can be very revealing.
What are you trying to say?
Nothing. But you have to admit
that the dog butler is a little ridiculous.
You know what else I think is ridiculous?
That mountain of pillows you have on our
bed.
I feel like I'm working on a loading dock
just trying to get under the covers.
- They're pretty. - They're a damn
nuisance.
Okay, forgive me for trying to make our home
beautiful.
You know, if I can put up with those,
you can put up with a piece of art.
第 3 页 共 7 页
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This is not art. This is an unholy mix
between man and beast.
But, fine, if you love it so much, put it
wherever you want.
Thank you. Where you going? To get some more
pillows?
No, don't worry. It'll be a long
time before I bother you again with my
pillows.
Why is Dad in Luke's room with the door
closed?
They are having a little talk.
Is Luke being punished?
Is that just your favorite thing,
when your brother or sister gets into
trouble?
My favorite is when they're both in
trouble.
So, what'd he do?
Did he cheat on a test? He's a cheater.
He did not cheat on a test.
- Did he lie? He lies all the time. - Alex.
- Alex. - Sorry. I'm just worried about
Luke.
A lot of parents are hitting again.
I appreciate your concern,
but your father has it under control.
Flincher! Free slap. Bring it up.
- Can I be on the bottom now? - Yep.
How'd it go?
Well, he was really embarrassed,
but everything's- everything's fine now.
- What'd you say? - Well, you know,
I kinda promised him we'd keep everything
between us.
Matter of fact,
he'd be mortified if you brought it up with
him... ever.
- Oh, God, really? - Yeah.
That actually makes me feel kinda bad.
Well, you're probably just feeling a little
tense from all this.
I know I am.
You know what might help the situation?
Really? Right now?
I meant going out for a few pizzas.

Where's your mind?
I guess I live in a house full of sex
maniacs.
Amigo?
We can't help you if you won't come out.
- What'd he say? - Something "House"
Something.
Come on. The show starts in a half hour,
and we still have to pick up Manny.
Can we just- Come on. Move this thing along!
Okay, this man is in crisis.
He could have a family health issue
or a personal health issue or a financial
matter.
Stop. You're getting all this from
"Something house something"?
Let's just call Gloria and have her deal
with it, okay?
"Lt" Is a human being, Mitchell.
-Named Caesar Salad. - Okay.
- What's going on with you? - Cam, you- you
always do this.
It's like you're incapable of hearing
anyone's sad story...
without making it your job to fix it.
And then, my needs- my needs come second.
Your needs right now...
are a puppet show.
This man could have lost his brother in a
cable car accident.
You understood "Casa."
Okay, fine. If it'll prove to you...
that I'm not the obsessive helpaholic that
you make me out to be,
let's go to the puppet show.
- Cam. - Let's go.
I think this has something to do with the
gardener.
You think?
- Just down the hall to the right. - Ay.
Gracias, gracias.
- Perdn. - In there. Okay.
- Okay, let's go. - No, please.
I know it's killing you
not to get back there in the middle of that.
Oh, no, no, no, no. We are going.
第 4 页 共 7 页
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These folks can find their own way out.
And now you'll know that I'm not a
manic Mother Teresa out there collecting
lost souls.
Oh, come on.
- Dad? - Back here.
Is Manny ready?
Didn't you get the message? He's not going.
- What? - Ah, some mandatory cleanup at
school.
- What's the real reason? - It's a puppet
show, Mitch.
Perfect. All right, it's just you and me
then, Lily.
- How's the little fortune cookie? - Ah,
she-she's good. She's good.
- Where's Cam? - We got into a fight.
Because of him, I have a house full of
Latinos.
Welcome to my world.
So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?
He just can't say no to anybody who needs
help.
And why do you have to always
add the word "Gay" Where it doesn't belong?
Hey, hey, you're not mad at me.
You're mad at the old balls and chain.
Okay, Dad, good talk. See you later.
Come on, I didn't mean it.
Hey, I didn't mean it. I'm a little cranky.
I got into it with Gloria a little bit.
Oh, no. What happened?
Ah, she hates Barkley.
It's the same stuff I went over with your
mom all the time.
"Get rid of the boat." "Get rid of the
motorcycle."
You know, I liked those things.
Why do you have to get rid of it then?
You know, actually, I don't.
Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here.
His hand came off.
Rough day, Dad.
Your hot, young wife doesn't like your
doll.
Yeah, unlike your big problem,

"My boyfriend's too nice to people."
No, see- mmm- that's not all it is.
He helps animals.
He's always volunteering for things.
Trust me. It-lt's worse than it sounds.
Who are we kidding? We both got it pretty
good.
Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom
more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this
thing.
A bird fell out of a tree
and he fed it with an eyedropper.
Just drop it, kid.
We're both with people different from us,
and that's gonna create stuff, but you want
different.
Your mom and I were perfect on paper
and you know how that ended.
What I got now is a lot better.
Sure, people look at us sometimes.
And sometimes even I can't believe we're
together.
But we're happy. At the end of the day
There's no one I'd rather come home to.
You mean Gloria.
Who else?
No one.
I'll see you later.
See you, kid.
Did you draw on my poster?
Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think
about that the next time you read my
journal.
I didn't read your stupid journal,
and I waited in line to get this signed,
Haley.
Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some
dude with weird hair.
That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.
Oh, sorry. I don't follow the WNBA.
You know what? This is the worst thing
you've ever done,
and I'll never forgive you!
You started it!
- What are you looking at? - Well, I just
heard-
第 5 页 共 7 页
-【84】-
Modern.Family.S01E12
I was the one who read Haley's diary.
I was playing on her computer and it just
opened.
Okay, I opened it.
But I didn't mean for anyone to fight.
Oh,ome already. Mitchell, hi..
- Hi, Cam. Hi. - Did you forget the tickets?
No. You know, I was never gonna enjoy the
show without you, so-
Oh. But you were so excited
to take Lily to see the Russian
marionettes.
Oh, she's probably a little young anyway.
We can just prop her in front of the dryer
for a half hour.
Listen, Cam,
I-I love that you try and help the world,
and I'm very lucky to have you in my life.
Oh, Mitchell.
How'd everything work out with the
gardener?
Uh, great. Great.
Turned out it was his wedding day, and he
was a little nervous.
But you know what? There's no need to
apologize.
No, I need to. I've been very selfish.
No, no. Sometimes I take things too far.
Okay. If that ever happens, I will let you
know.
Okay.
Is there a reason I can't go inside?
No. No, no. No.
Y ahora te pronuncio hombre y esposa.
La puedes besar.
Mom, can I talk to you?
Sure, honey. What's going on?
I feel bad about something I did.
Oh, sweetie. Is this about the computer?
- Yeah. - Something you shouldn't have been
looking at?
Yeah. It was just so freaky.
- I couldn't stop looking. - I know, sweet
pea.
- But the important thing is you did stop
looking. - Yeah.

After about an hour.
Okay. Well, it's perfectly normal to be
curious about these things.
Some parts were funny.
And some parts just seemed crazy.
Well, I hope you realize that some of those
parts weren't real.
Obviously.
But they can be totally real, right?
- Like Anne Frank's? - What?
All I know is it really made me wonder about
Haley.
That's disturbing, sweetie. Why Haley?
It was her journal.
You read my journal? You little creep!
I'm sorry! I couldn't help it.
Wait. Haley's journal too?
- Luke, you are now banned from the computer.
- What?
What happened? Who's in trouble?
- Luke read my journal! - I told you it
wasn't me!
- You know, I'm gonna kill you. - Haley,
calm down.
Wait, you're not even gonna yell at him?
That was private.
Oh, please. The most shocking thing in
there was your spelling.
You read it too?
Am I the only one who hasn't read it?
I was looking through the computers in the
house for pornography.
- Sick. - Not for me.
I wanted to see what you guys are looking
at.
So you're violating our privacy.
When I find out that my children...
are looking at a naked picture online,
they don't have any privacy.
- Who was looking at naked pictures? - That
doesn't matter.
I wasn't.
Wasn't me. That's gross. I'm 10!
- Wait a minute. - What's wrong with you
people?
If it wasn't you, who was it?
第 6 页 共 7 页
-【85】-
Modern.Family.S01E12
Mangia!
- Rosa, thank you for coming. - Gracias.
Carlos, let me know how it works out with
that dentist.
Victor, you owe me a dance.
Yes, I'm a caring person.
And without Mitchell,
I would just keep giving and giving and
giving.
I'm like a big runaway charity truck
and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety
gravel.
He knows how to say no.
He always can put himself first.
He certainly can turn his back on someone
suffering.
No, really. Keep going.
- He- - Don't keep going!
- Muchas gracias. - Hey, good-bye.
That was nice.
Oh, God. Dad.
Looks like I missed the party, huh?
What is- What is that doing here?
- He is a gift for you and Cam. - Thank you.
He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was
out the window.
- Well, they love that. - Let's put him here
for now.
- I don't want that. - I think he's cute.
Let's give him a chance.
I came as soon as I heard your message.
You said that somebody was getting married?
Gloria, there you are. I've got good news.
What's the matter?
Honey? Hey.
I'm really sorry.
That picture was just something that
someone sent me.
Doesn't matter who.
Gil Thorpe.
Anyway, I don't do that stuff.
You're all the porn I need. That's- Uh-
Honey, it's fine.
It's fine.
Now, it's fine.
I couldn't care less about the picture.
 Modern.Family.S01E12
I was just upset when I thought it was Luke. homes...
Haley, honey, I really wish to be released into the green pastures in
you would give me a hand with all this their maturity-
laundry. - Did you just say "Matoority?" - Unhand
You never, ever- me, you brute!
Haley's off in her own world. I regret nothing!
Alex has never really been a kid. I'll pay you. I'm a comfortable man.
But Luke is my baby. I've been stealing from your father for
Is it really too much to ask days.
that he stay a sweet, innocent kid... Oh, is there any better feeling in the world
forever? than having your ears flap in the wind?
Hey, buddy. Um- Here. Sorry. You know what? Get out.
We'll dribble later. You mean it? Sweet freedom?
Um, I just, uh- I just want to say I'm sorry. No, not you, Barkley. Cameron, out.
I never meant to blame you for that whole
picture thing.
Your mom sort of thought it was yours
and I should have stopped it, but I didn't.
So what was the picture of?
Well, it was a woman on a tractor and she
had her shirt off.
Was it hot?
Okay, we're being honest here.
Um, this particular woman-
Well, my tastes do run to the curvy,
and the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit.
Couple that with the cutoff jeans-
And you were asking about the weather,
weren't you?
Yeah.
Well, this is good. This is good.
You're gonna be going through some changes
soon.
And I think now you can feel safe talking
to me about whatever.
And so it ends.
Sadly, I've been summarily dismissed
from the employ of Masters Cameron and
Mitchell.
The former being an utter delight,
and the latter being a humorless snoot.
Just come on. Get him in the car. The thrift
shop's closing.
What is this exciting thrift shop you speak
of?
Many of my relatives were taken out of their

第 7 页 共 7 页

-【86】-

Modern.Family.S01E13
Can people change?
Well, that's a- that is a tough one,
but I would say yes. People can change.
That's what I believe anyway, and I will
till the day I die.
You do realize you're proving the exact
opposite of your point?
See? She's changed. She used to be very
supportive of me.
Come on.
Phil!
- Ow! Ow! Why is it so loud? - My ears are
bleeding!
- Why is it so loud? - I don't know! Make
it stop!
I just installed a sweet home theater
system in the family room.
The, um- the trouble is Claire struggles...
with technology of any kind.
I mean, remotes, cell phones, computers.
Haley, have you seen my blue-
- Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. - Oh, hey, Dylan.
You know I can see you, right?
No, I did not know that.
Haley's just in the bathroom. She'll be
back in just a minute.
Thank you.
- Where were you pointing it? - At the TV.
This-
Honey- Uh, no. I'm sorry.
It's-It's a home theater.
What, so I can't point it at the TV
when I want to watch the TV?
No. You point it at the receiver.
What's a receiver?
Okay, imagine our home theater system is
a human body.
So then the receiver is the brain.
- The TV is the face. - I know what part
you are.
So he says to his wife, "you don't love me
anymore?"
His heart- boom!
Quadruple bypass. Blown a valve.
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【87】-
Modern.Family.S01E13
- Hey! Look who it is. - Hey. There he is.
What a coinkydink.
I was just getting some flowers for Gloria
for babysitting Lily.
You want me to take 'em to her?
I would, but I have the most hilarious card
for her at home.
It's- It's a hunky Antonio Banderas type
in silk boxers.
And on the inside, it says, "thank you for
last noche,
but I can't find my pantalones."
I'm not doing it justice, really.
Hi. I'm Cameron.
Oh, geez. I'm sorry. Guys, this is Cameron.
- He's a... friend of my son's. - Hey.
This is, uh, Scotty, Dale, Hugo and Shorty.
It's nice to meet you guys.
You guys look like a scene out of Jersey
Boys.
- Ay! So handsome! - Thank you.
Manny, are you wearing aftershave?
Yes, for my date.
This will be the first time she will ever
smell me.
Her name is Whitney.
I met her in an online book club.
We both like vampire fiction...
and the romance of eternal life.
I think it's adorable that Manny has a date.
He even picked out the lunch menu-
grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup.
Tomato soup because, you know, the tomato
soup is like the blood.
And the vampires like to eat the blood.
And then he wants me to take them out for
ice cream,
well, because Manny likes ice cream.
Oh, that must be her. If this goes well,
you don't need to stick around.
Hi. I'm Whitney. I'm here for Manny.
See how that works?
Sorry, sweetie. Sorry, Daddy.
No, it's all right.
We were just- me and Lily were just using
the time...

to figure out how to use the car's
voice-command thingy.
Oh. Here. Check it out. Watch.
CD player. Next track.
- Say a command. - No.
CD player. Next track.
Air conditioner on.
Damn it.
You're worse than your sister with this
kind of stuff.
It's a good thing Lily doesn't have an
ejector seat.
Oh, guess what. I ran into your dad and some
of his friends.
- Oh, really? - Yeah. And get this.
He, uh- He referred to me as "a friend of
my son."
- Seriously? - Yeah.
That's a little disrespectful to you.
- I wasn't offended by it. - Well- I am.
I mean, would he refer to Phil as "a friend
of Claire's"? No.
I've heard him call Phil a lot worse.
Just let it pass. I should have never said
anything.
I'm not letting it pass. He needs to know
that's not okay.
And if he doesn't like it, he knows where
he can go.
- Enter destination. - Hell!
- Mexican food. - Shut up!
I came out of the closet in my mid-20s.
I had to actually come out to my dad three
times...
before he finally acknowledged it.
I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard
it wrong,
like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray."
And my parents, they always just knew.
My mother says labor with me took 36
hours...
because I came out of the womb like this-
"Hello!"
- I gotta lay off these cannolis. - Hey,
dad.
Mitchell. Hey, you guys know my son, Mitch.
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【88】-
Modern.Family.S01E13
- Hey, Mitch, how they hangin'? - Hey,
Mitch.
Hey, hey, hey. That's a great coat.
- Where'd you get that? - I don't know. It
was a gift.
Really? What is it- suede, microsuede?
Some kind of lambskin? It's very soft, you
know.
Thank you.
- Uh, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thanks. Good seeing you. - Be right back.
What's the matter?
Um, "a friend of my son"? That's how you
introduce Cam?
That's why you came here?
Dad, it's just more than a little
insulting.
Cam and I have been together for five years.
We- We have a daughter.
Look at these guys.
They look like they came out of the 1800s.
You see Hugo over there?
After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.
No, they're not the ones that are
uncomfortable with this. You are.
You've never been completely accepting of
me.
And now that I have a family, it's getting
a little old.
These guys don't understand the gay thing.
Why create an awkward situation? That's all
I'm saying.
That's weird,
because your friend Shorty there- gay as
they come.
- You gotta be kiddin'. - No.
My gaydar is never wrong,
and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.
What are you talking about- gay? The guy
used to be married.
Okay, that makes- So did Elton John,
Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.
You know what? Listen. You couldn't be more
wrong about this.
No, Dad. You could not be more wrong- about

a lot of things.
- Good seeing you guys. - You take care,
man.
- That's a great coat. - Yeah, later.
Ping!
- Phil Dunphy. - Hey, it's me.
- Hey. - Listen, I've got a bunch of moms
over here...
who wanna watch the talent show DVD,
and I can't get the sound to work.
- Is there a picture? - Yes.
Be honest. Did you do that thing where you
get frustrated...
and you start pressing all the buttons?
No.
I have a theory that Phil installs...
overly complicated things in the house...
just so he has an excuse to talk to me like
a child.
Last month, it was the thermostat.
The snowflake button makes it cold, cold,
cold
"Set temperature" makes it hold, hold, hold
The little flame makes it hot
This is so humiliating.
- I am sorry. - It's okay.
He just seemed so mature online.
- How could I be so stupid? - You're not
stupid.
"Stupid" is not following your heart and
taking a chance on love.
I mean, what kind of 11-year-old talks like
that?
Manny's an old soul.
Here. Use my handkerchief.
You see what I mean?
I'll just be alone for the rest of my life.
- And that's okay. - No, don't say that.
In my country, there's a saying that
means...
"Love is just around the corner."
I come from a neighborhood with a lot of
prostitutes.
Maybe for you.
I mean, men must throw themselves at you
every day.
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【89】-
Modern.Family.S01E13
They'II do the same for you if you just-
Just what? Put out?
No. Just-
like, the lipstick, the hair, push-up bra.
You know.
What's it matter? I'm never gonna be as
pretty as you.
Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work.
You just need to find your inner beauty.
It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity.
Okay, he's starting to freak me out.
Manny, go play.
Mitchell, how do these look to you?
- Like they're dying. - I know. Right?
I said something to the florist. He said,
"Don't worry about it. They're gonna come
back."
They're not coming back. They've crossed
to the other side.
- You are a funny man. - Why?
You're completely bothered by the flowers.
But when my father introduces you as "a
friend of my son,"
doesn't faze you in the least.
Because the florist played me for a fool.
Your dad didn't mean any harm. He's just
being who he is.
When I was back East in law school,
my dad used to call me every Saturday at
6:00 p.M.,
before people would go out,
just to, you know, check in, catch up.
And then, I think, the Christmas of my
second year,
I finally got up the courage to tell him.
After that, I-I... pretty much just talked
to my mom.
Don't cry.
I'm not crying.
- I'm home! - We're here.
This is Whitney. We're giving her a
makeover.
Hi. You have such a nice family...
and a really beautiful house.
Thanks. You two know each other how?
She's my date.

Of course she is. I'll be in here.
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry this didn't turn out like you
wanted.
That's okay.
Probably didn't turn out how you wanted it
either.
I'll tell you what.
If neither of us is with anybody in 10
years,
how about you and me give it a shot?
That's disturbing.
But maybe.
- How was your lunch with the boys? - Good.
- Ran into Mitchell and Cam. - Ay, nice.
You're not gonna believe this.
- Mitchell says Shorty's gay. - Shorty?
- Yeah, I believe it. - Oh, come on!
Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer.
That doesn't prove anything.
He's the only one of your friends that never
hits on me.
My friends hit on you?
Yes, all the time, but don't worry.
They're a bunch of harmless old men.
They're my age.
I'm sure it's very hard on Shorty to keep
a secret like that.
- Jay, I think you should talk to him. -
What?
You're the only one with a gay son.
I'm sure he'll appreciate opening up to
you.
We're guys. We don't open up.
We talk about sports and cars,
getting up in the middle of the night to
pee.
I'm sure you made it very easy for Mitch
to come out of the closet.
- Yeah. - Okay. I'm gonna finish my
makeover.
Because I care about people.
Because I want to help them change their
lives.
Jay, I'm hinting that you should call your
friend, okay?
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【90】-
Modern.Family.S01E13
- Yes. I'm getting that. - Okay, okay.
Hey, hey! Daddy in the hizzouse!
Why would you do that to a brand-new, very
expensive remote?
Because I lost my temper, and it didn't
work.
Therefore, it's useless.
Well, honey, when it comes to anything
electronic,
you're not exactly the best student.
I am very smart.
I had a 4.0 in college. How about you?
I was almost that despite my substantial
time
commitment to cheerleading.
I thought we agreed not to bring up the
cheerleading.
Cheerleading in my college was cool.
The football players were so jealous,
they wouldn't even let me and my buddies
Trevor, Scotty and Ling- go to their
parties.
Seriously, Claire,
you owe me an apology for breaking that.
Okay. Phil,
I apologize for breaking the world's worst
remote...
that you bought... stupidly.
Excuse me,
but the experts at CNET.Com rated it the
best remote.
They gave it three and a half mice.
Wow. I have an idea. Let's invite the gang
from CNET over...
and your old buddies from cheerleading,
and we can have a nerd party.
Ling is not a nerd.
He built his own helicopter.
And if he was alive today-
Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling.
It upsets you too much.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - Hmm?
I'm gonna buy a new remote- the same remote.
And just to prove how wrong you are,
I'm gonna teach our dumbest kid
how to use it in 20 minutes or less.

- Who's our dumbest kid? - Luke.
Luke? No, Luke understands electronics.
Haley.
- No. - Yeah, Haley.
Teach Haley to use the remote, and then I'll
apologize.
- Haley? - Mm-hmm.
Come on!
Hey, Shorty, it's me.
I was thinking of heading over to the
driving range
and hitting a few balls.
You want to join me?
That's great, Jay. What should I wear?
I don't know. Wear- Wear whatever you want.
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
- What? - The flowers.
They look so much better! This is a
disaster.
You do know what "Disaster" means, right?
You don't understand. I demanded that they
come exchange them.
I got all medieval on the florist.
Cam, I heard you on the phone.
You said you were displeased, but that's
hardly going medieval.
Excuse me. I said "Very displeased."
And I used my cowboy voice, so-
What are you doing?
I'm microwaving them so they look bad
again.
Well, that seems a little crazy, doesn't
it?
Oh, no! That's the florist.
Relax. Just take them out. I'll get the
door.
He'll never know the difference.
Hi. Florist.
- Yes. Come on in. He's over there with the
flowers. - Hello.
I don't know what happened.
They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor.
- They were like this when we came home.
- Cam. Cam.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!
第 5 页 共 7 页
-【91】-
Modern.Family.S01E13
God, God!
Look at that. Two things flaming at once.
Damn it!
- You know what the problem is. - What?
You're not moving your hips. They're
frozen.
Hips?
Yeah, your hips. They're frozen. Here, let
me show you.
- No, it's okay. - No, no. - Don't fight
me.
All right, Shorty.
Just bring the club back. Go ahead. All
right?
Now turn those hips. That's it. You just
gotta relax.
You gotta open up the stance a little bit.
Spread 'em. Spread 'em.
That's it. If you don't relax,
you're never gonna get that shaft where it
belongs.
Hey, you know what? How about a coffee?
- Let's get a coffee. - Sure.
Now press the button labeled "Activities."
- Where is that? - It's just to the right.
- To the right.
- And now choose "Watch DVD." - What?
Honey, you gotta focus. We've only got 20
minutes.
Pretend- Pretend the mall's closing.
Dad, this is stupid.
I watch TV on my computer.
Why do I have to learn this?
Because your mom doesn't think you can.
Nobody can.
Haley, listen to me.
Listen to me.
I know this seems impossible.
But this is for all those times
that Mom told you she was right...
and you knew she was wrong.
- I'll do it. - That's my girl.
You know, that guy's got a beautiful
stroke.
Look at his pants- no pleats. I like pants
like that.
 Modern.Family.S01E13
You think I can get away with something like Turn on the TV.
that? - Angela says, after he colored her hair-
Sure. Why not? - Nice.
Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a - It turned gray and then green. - Mute it.
long time, right? Un-mute it.
- What, 30 years? - Yeah. Sixty-five dollars.
And, um, I sense that you got a secret... - Put on a DVD. - Hairdresser
that's maybe causing you a lot of anguish. Frederick Longmire denies he's
You heard something, right? responsible.
Well, I had the same situation with my son, - Skip forward. - Wait.
Mitchell. Okay. Back to TV.
Really? ...better than that.
Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well Face!
either. Don't get all cocky, Phil.
And, uh, I just want you to know Let's see what happens to little Haley...
that you can open up to me, when I do... this.
that I'm gonna do all I can to help you. Ho, ho, ho. Ho! Face.
Well, I mean I- Dad, wh- What do I do?
I never said this out loud before to anyone. Don't panic. We went through this. Just-
But I guess, if I did, it would be you. Just think.
It's just that, Jay, you see, I'm, uh- Give up. Give up. Admit defeat.
I'm- - Haley. -Okay. - Uh, let's see.
Go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead. You put the remote on to TV mode...
- I'm in debt. - Huh? and then press "Input"...
I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious till you get HDMI 1 and-
guy. - I did it! - She did it!
And you offering to give me the dough- This Fine. You proved your point.
is beautiful. Everybody in this house is smarter than me.
- Wait a minute. You're not gay? - Gay? No, honey, you're missing the point.
What are you talkin' about- gay? I taught Haley how to use the remote in 20
I'm not gay. Where'd you get gay? minutes.
Come on. I mean, you're always So think how fast you can learn it.
talking about clothes and everything, What's that supposed to mean?
right? See what I'm saying?
My father was a tailor. I like clothes. Mitchell, it's me!
So what? - Hey, Dad. - Hi.
Are you calling my father gay? I'm here to let you know your gaydar is
No! broken.
My father landed on Normandy Shorty is not gay.
to save your ass. No. I, uh- I knew that.
You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's, I made that up to mess with you for dissing
I'd knock you out right now. Cam.
Take a check? What? That cost me 20,000 bucks.
Cash would be better. What do you mean?
Haley. You ready? I reached out to him to let him know it's
Let's do this. okay to be gay.

第 6 页 共 7 页

-【92】-

-Y ou did? - Yeah.
Right after one of the stranger golf
lessons of my life.
Turns out what he is is a lousy gambler,
and now I'm the one on the hook for it.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Then why are you smiling?
I'm- I'm proud of you, Dad. And you're
growing.
Just-Just stop it. Please.
Don't you see how hard this is for me?
See, I used to be just like one of those
guys. Now look at me.
I got a house looks like Little Colombia.
I got a gay son and a Chinese granddaughter.
Vietnamese.
Only you would know the difference.
Don't worry, Dad. Not growing too much.
I'm a little nervous.
- Don't be. - I'm sure you look beautiful.
What do you think?
Look at you!
Really?
You're gonna be fighting men off with a
stick.
I don't know about that.
- Cameron! - Hi. Sorry for the pop over,
but I just wanted to bring you these...
to thank you for babysitting Lily again
last night. -Oh!
Gracias! You didn't need to do that.
- You know I love Lily. - I know.
Come in. Say hello.
Cameron, this is my new friend, Whitney.
Whitney, this is Cameron.
Hello. It's nice to meet you.
That is a spectacular dress.
This old thing?
- What about her hair? - Oh, my gosh.
It's like Barbra Streisand in The Way We
Were.
- One of my favorites. - Me too.
Okay, who is reading The Forevers?
I am.
I am so obsessed with this whole vampire
thing right now.
第 7 页 共 7 页
-【93】-
Modern.Family.S01E13
Me too.
I just met the sweetest guy named Cameron.
I think he might be the one.
Can people change? I don't know.
People are who they are- give or take, yeah,
15%.
That's how much people can change if they
really want to.
- Well, I'll see you when I see you. - Yeah,
thanks for-
Haley, sweetie, wake up.
- What? - I need you to teach me to use the
TV.
Now? Why can't Dad teach you?
Because we're married.
Whether it's for themselves or for the
people they love-
That way. Yeah.
- And then press- - Mmm! I got it.
Yeah. Yeah, 15%.
- But you know what? - I did it!
- Sometimes that's just enough. - I did it!
All right, I'll see you guys next week, huh?
Jay. Jay.
Listen, I wanna thank you for,
you know, helping me out with that jam.
It was nothin'.
No, no, no. And I got you a little present.
- You didn't have to do that. - No, I did.
Two tickets to see the great Michael Bubly.
The guy sings like an angel.
He's gonna be outside at one of the
amphitheaters.
Gloria's gonna love it.
- No. I'm talkin' about you and me. - Oh,
you and me.
- Yeah. - Well, that's a little-
I thought maybe we could have a little
picnic since it's outside.
You know? I'll get some nice bottle of wine,
a little cheese.
- Lay on a nice blanket. All right? - Yeah,
fine.
Yo, hey. I like your hair. Who does your
hair? Huh?
Yo, handsome. Who does your hair?
 Modern.Family.S01E14
splash.
Modern.Family.S01E14 Well, then, why'd you quit?
Those pancakes smell great. Well, Haley, call me old-fashioned,
What are you doing with those? but I wanted to focus on raising a family.
Luke and I are doing a recycling drive. So I married your dad.
If we collect enough bottles Five months later, we... were...
they build a school in Africa. four months away from having this little
Wouldn't that be so cool bundle of joy.
to go to a school made out of bottles? Mm-hmm.
That would certainly be a special school. There's my lawyer.
Did you hear what I said, parents? Gloria got into a little car accident,
"Special school"? so my dad asked me to help her out.
Okay, nobody make a big deal about it, And, uh, this is the first
but I just broke up with Dylan. time that my dad's asked me for legal
- No - Oh, my gosh. Are you okay, honey? advice,
Yeah, I'm fine. I just and it's-it's nice.
I need to date someone who has a clue, It's nice to know that he respects me in
instead of an idiot that way.
who bangs his head every time he rides his Well, Mitchell is an amazing lawyer.
bike out of his garage My dream for him is that one day he'll be
Every time! on the Supreme Court.
I'm sorry, honey. Why, Cam?
I'm sorry for both of you. So at parties
I'll have to text him later. I can tell everyone my partner is one of
Mmm. I gotta jump in the shower. I'm gonna the Supremes.
be late. There he is-the steely, grizzled
Where are you going? veteran...
I'm going to meet my friend Valerie. ready to do battle with the plucky upstart.
I haven't seen her in 15 years. Speed versus grace.
We used to work together. -Brute force versus -Let's just do this.
-You worked? -Mm-hmm. Jay and I are both gym rats.
Can't imagine you working. I love the sauna. That's the dry heat.
Luke, let me tell you something. And the steam, wet.
That is very offensive to women. And, of course, I am just a kook for
Your mom works very hard. racquetball.
It's just now she works for us. Club champ two years in a row,
I will have you know that I had quite the Tonganoxie, Missouri Rec Center.
little career going. So, naturally, Jay and I have been trying
I was an account manager at Starcrest for months...
Hotels. to get together to bang the old hollow
I had a little cubicle, rubber ball around.
and-and I wore my tennis shoes to work... I have been avoiding this day like the
and changed into my work pumps. plague.
It was very Working Girl. I mean, part of going to the gym is the
- That movie's so clutch - Mm-hmm. lockerroom atmosphere.
I don't mind saying I was making quite a And if I'm there with a gay guy,

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【94】-

it's-it's just not gonna be the same.
I mean, for me, it's a locker room.
For him, it's a showroom.
She doesn't get it.
*Driving in my car*
*I'll let you see my scar*
What the hell?
Some people call me a salesman.
I call myself a sales friend.
So obviously, I need strangers to trust me.
I don't take kindly to it
when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.
Phil Dunphy.
Phil, it's Barbara.
The Pattersons wanna back out of the deal.
Why? What happened?
The wife's getting cold feet.
-I told her to call you. -Okay, fine.
I'll handle it. I'm not losing this sale.
-By the way -I've spent way too much time
on it.
Phil, do you take Elm when you come to work?
I saw it, Barbara.
It's a terrific gym, Jay.
Very liberal with the towels. I love that.
Showers are private, in case you wondered.
I wasn't, but thanks for the heads-up.
Now, that's a surprise. Boxers.
Is that necessary?
Well, I just always pictured you as a
tighty-whitey guy.
Well, do me a favor. The next time you
picture me,
leave the underwear out of it.
Well, don't you worry. The only thing I'm
picturing...
is how clean the floor's gonna be when I'm
done mopping it with you.
Is that the best you can do?
'Cause it's gonna take a little more than
some
lame trash talk to get me out of my-
Gaah! What the hell was that?
Our butts pressed against each other.
They didn't press. It was glancing.
Stop talking about it!
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【95】-
Modern.Family.S01E14
Oh come on. All the time you've spent in
a locker room,
this can't be your first moon landing.
-You got a name for it? -It's very common.
You got off easy.
At least it didn't happen after a shower.
-Enough. -We call that a splashdown.
That's it. I'm changing in the stall.
Excuse me!
I saw the picture, Dylan.
You had your arm around her with that humpy
look you get.
No, that's not always how you look. We're
over!
So, I'd really like to talk to you, Mrs.
Patterson,
see if we can't turn this thing around.
Uh, you've got my number.
Thank you.
I said we are over.
Why don't you go out for a nice bike ride?
Dylan again, huh?
Some guys just do not know how to play it.
-Dad, what are you doing? -Oh, right.
Just, uh, test-driving my new soup
strainer.
I dug it out of the Halloween stuff
to see what people think.
Do people want their real estate advice...
from someone who leads or from someone who
follows?
I'm betting these babies are coming back
in a big way.
Buy low, sell high.
People are gonna see this and say, "That
guy's high."
Sorry to bother you, sir.
We're doing work next door and nicked a
main,
so we're gonna have to shut down your water.
Oh. Okay. No problem.
It shouldn't be too long. If you happen to
need it,
there's a porta-potty out front.
-Thanks. Hey. -Yeah.
Nice mustache.

Yeah, man. You too, brother.
"You too, brother."
Haley-She's the oldest. Fifteen.
And then Alex is 13.
And that's my baby, Luke. He's 11.
-Can you believe it? -Oh, my God, they're
gorgeous.
-Yeah. -And things are still good with Phil
the Thrill?
Yes. Things are great. Great with him.
I'm so happy for you. Really.
I'm so-I'm so happy that you're happy.
Thank you. Well, and you too.
-I mean, your life is -No, no, no-Let's talk
about you.
-Okay. -Because, you know, you're
You chose the mother. You're the mommy.
The yummy mommy, mama, person
You're kinda squeezing the ring right into
my finger.
Was I?
-A little. -I'm so sorry.
And just then, it hit me. She was jealous
of me.
Yes, there'd always been a little bit of
a competition between us.
This was more serious.
She was looking at my life as something...
that she'd always wanted, but never had.
So how's life in the trenches?
You still got the bastards on the 23rd
floor...
making life miserable for all the people
actually doing the work.
-Same as ever, right? -One-one difference.
-Mm-hmm? -I'm one of them bastards now.
-Wait. You're on the 23rd floor? -I'm on
the 24th floor.
-Wow. That's insane. It's -It's no big
deal.
I mean, if you hadn't left, it probably
would have been you.
I was driving along this street.
The cars were parked just like this.
And boom, out of nowhere, he hits me.
-Okay, so, he-he cut you off? -Yes.
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-Right. -A crazy driver.
You know, I used to be a little bit like
that.
I don't know, maybe it's because of Lily,
but I've definitely become more
considerate.
Like, I used to never let people in, and
now I do.
Just now getting that metaphor. Okay.
-So, what do you think? -Were there any
witnesses?
No, just Manny. He was in the back seat.
-Okay. -It all happened so fast--Just like
they say.
Yeah. All right. Well, this is what we're
gonna do.
I'll take a few pictures,
and then we'll sit down and write a
statement.
Perfect. I'll go and get us a table.
-All right. -Manny, come.
-Uh, just a minute, Mom. I need to tie my
shoe. -Okay.
-Mitchell. -Yeah?
Don't talk. Listen. It was her fault.
-I'm sorry. What? -Don't look at me.
Do something. Take pictures.
Manny! What kind of cupcake do you want?
Um, that's okay. I'm not hungry.
That was a mistake. Now she'II know
something's up.
-Are you okay? -I'm fine.
She cut that guy off. She's a terrible
driver.
-She's a danger to us all. -Okay, wait. Now
stop.
I thought she said he was parked and then
he cut her off.
Everybody looks parked when you're going
a hundred miles an hour.
Manny, why didn't you speak up?
She can't take criticism about her driving.
Once an old lady yelled at her at a
crosswalk.
She honked so long, the horn ran out.
Manny!

I've said too much already.
Are you hearing this?
- Aw, that's - Point.
Hinder!
Lucky shot!
That is game and, I believe, match.
Yeah, fine, you won. But, you know, what
do you expect?
For the first half of the game,
I was distracted by what happened in the
locker room.
And you're sure it's not because I'm a
fabulous racquetball player?
You're average. But I was a little thrown
by you touching me.
Which is unnatural. Not to you, of course.
No, to you it's like rocket fuel.
Oh, sure. When you're gay you just walk
around
giving butt bumps to everybody.
It's like a high five. It's a low two.
You know what? I'm gonna prove
that you won only because I was distracted.
We're gonna have a rematch right here,
right now.
-So you want to go up against me again?
-Yes.
No! Damn it.
Hello!
Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that the accident
was Gloria's fault?
Yes. I mean, I wasn't there,
but she's a horrible driver.
If she hit 10 cars, I wouldn't be surprised.
If you knew it was her fault, why did you
get me involved?
Because someone has to tell her she's in
the wrong,
and better you than me.
That's great. Here I am thinking
that my dad actually respects me as a
lawyer,
and really you're just throwing me to the
wolves.
-Can't it be both? -Okay.
Dad, it doesn't bother you in the least...
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that your gay son is the only one
tough enough to stand up to your wife?
Go get 'em, Rocky. See you later.
Your father and I had a moon landing in the
locker room.
What's the matter with you?
What about you? Do you ever get serious with
anyone?
Sure. Oh, no. Not yet.
Oh, honey, you will.
Oh, no, I hope not. It's-It's fun.
I'm sorry. I'm just-I'm waiting for some
news.
-What news? -I'm-I'm up for the Paris job.
The-The head of the international
division?
That's-That's-That's crazy.
Yeah, no. I mean, I'll never get it, but
it'd be great...
'cause one of my lovers lives in Paris.
Wow. I-I don't know what jumps out of that
sentence more-
you know, "Lovers" Or "One of."
Well, I'm single. I mean, it's kinda what
you do.
-Uh-huh. -I have one in Paris.
Um, I have Paris, New York, Miami.
I have a fourth one.
-I'm forgetting one lover. I'm forgetting
one lover. -Mmm.
Last night I vacuumed the radiator thingy
under the fridge.
You know, it collects the dust.
Cause you should, and I don't. So-
Oh, hey, hold on. Cross your fingers.
I'm not gonna lie.
The thought of Valerie getting the one job
in the whole company that everyone coveted
well, I wasn't a "Lover" Of that.
Okay. Okay, thank you.
Well?
Oh, they haven't made a decision.
They're-they're gonna tell me later on.
- That's not what they said, is it? - Uh,
yeah, it is.
Oh, Valerie, come on. It's me.

What are friends for,
if not to be there for you when you get bad
news?
-I got it. -Oh, my God. Aaah!
- I'm the head of Europe. - Well, you know,
for the hotel-
- Not the continent. - Kind of though. Kind
of.
Why didn't you tell me when you first heard?
Oh, 'cause, you know
And that's when it really hit me.
Valerie wasn't jealous of me. She pitied
me.
And part of me wanted to take her back to
the house...
and show her everything she was missing...
in her sad, childless, husbandless life.
But there's a little thing called "Taking
the high road."
Why don't you come by and meet everybody?
Oh, sure. That'd be great.
Yeah, I mean, Alex is just a genius,
and Haley is turning into this beautiful
young woman,
-and it makes me realize that motherhood
is -San Francisco.
- The most important - That was my fourth
lover. San Francisco.
- It would have kept me up all night. - Yeah.
Dad, look.
Just a sec, buddy. I'm on my way out to the
bathroom.
Check it out. The Aubreys had this huge
party last night,
and we got all these bottles to recycle.
-Great. -What's Jegermeister?
Well, you know how in a fairy tale...
there's always a potion that makes the
princess fall asleep,
and then the guys start kissing her?
Well, this is like that, except you don't
wake up in a castle,
you wake up in a frat house with a bad
reputation.
Haley!
- Luke, you're spilling it! - Aw, crud.
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God
Gross! A rat!
Cool.
Hang on. I'm coming.
I believe you have something that belongs
to me.
My heart.
I thought I I.M.'ed you to stay away.
Ow! Haley.
Hello? Dylan? D-Money?
Hey, buddy! Hey, buddy!
Hello, friendly neighbors!
Little help?
But I love you.
Well, you should have thought about that...
before you took that skank Sharon Nicolini
to an Anne Hathaway movie.
I didn't take her. She was just there.
So you were just there by yourself at an
Anne Hathaway movie?
I don't think so!
Yeah. Yeah. I like her movies.
She's every woman. Come on. Let's not
fight.
Let's just discuss this like two
un-immature adults.
Hello? Mrs. Patterson.
Hi. I've been waiting for your call.
Yeah. Uh, is there any chance that maybe
we could talk a little bit-
No, no, no, no. Now's perfect. That's fine.
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. Let me just
close my office door.
There we go. Much, much better.
Okay. Maybe, uh, we should go over the
accident one more time.
Put the dogs on a row. You're such a good
lawyer.
Uh, I just wanna make sure
we're 100% clear on exactly what happened.
Oh, we're clear. I told you.
What? You don't believe me?
No, no. I just-
You know, sometimes you can forget tiny
details.
Like, is it possible, maybe, uh, you were

driving too fast?
-Who said I was driving fast? -Yeah, who?
I just-I'm looking at the street,
and I'm thinking if you were driving a
little fast,
it's possible that maybe you
- didn't see the car - You're like everyone
else, huh?
You blame the Latino driver.
Where I come from, they always blame the
Latino driver.
Where you come from, isn't everybody a
Latino driver?
- Manny, tell him. - I can't 'cause I have
a cupcake in my mouth.
Oh, come on. Don't blame your cupcake.
What? You think I'm guilty too?
- No. - Fine.
I don't need you as a lawyer anymore.
And if you two think I'm such a bad driver,
you're safer walking home.
Chao.
- Here it is. - It's really cute.
Yeah. We're pretty proud of it.
Here's your stupid CDs...
and your clothes and your poems!
- Don't you do it! - Oh, I'm doing it.
Haley, stop it. What are you doing?
Tearing out my heart.
Oh, why don't you go get a hickey from
Sharon Nicolini?
It's from my guitar strap, Haley.
-Oh, thanks for reminding me. -That's my
daughter Haley
And her boyfriend, Dylan, um
This is a nice color.
Yeah. Um, listen. This is not normal,
with all that, nor-nor is that liquor
smell.
Phil, honey? Oh, my God. Luke, what is that?
Jegermeister. Dad says it makes girls
easier to kiss.
- What happened to the rug? - I had an
accident.
Okay. Alex, what are you doing?
I'm trying to kill a rat.
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Okay
Sharon was helping me buy you a birthday
present.
Don't you get it? I love your ass.
I-You know, I-I-I'm late and I should go.
-I know. I know. -Yeah.
And it seems like things have gotten a
little wonky around here.
I don't know where Phil is. He's
definitely-
Oh, my God. Alex
Where's your father?
He went outside to go to the bathroom.
It's... not usually like this. Oh, gross.
- Let's just get married. - Okay.
You will not regret this decision, Mrs.
Patterson.
And I'll tell you what.
We're gonna have you over to our little
house to celebrate.
- Okay? Okay, bye-bye. - You should come
back again-
- sometime, when you get a break - Claire!
Claire!
Phil, what are you-what are you doing?
Just concluding a little business.
Very successfully, I might add.
- Honey - Hey!
- Hi. - Is that Valerie?
- Yeah. - Wow!
- You look fantastic. - Thank you.
Come here. Get over here.
Okay.
- How long has it been? - A long time.
Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, I can't touch you. Okay. - A little
bit difficult.
Gulf divides us, eh?
- So nice to see you. - It's great to see
you though
- Okay. - All right.
- Okay, then. - Thanks for coming by.
- It's such a pleasure. - Bye-bye.
- Thanks for stopping by. - You have a
beautiful family.
- She looks great, doesn't she? - What is

on your face?
One time! Once!
One time I bring somebody home...
who I want to impress, and what do I find?
A bunch of booze-drenched hill people...
just sitting around in their underwear
and-and chasing rats...
and fornicating in the stairwell.
- Can I say something? - No. No, you can't,
Mario.
There is nothing left to say but thank you.
Thank you all.
I told you I'd win.
Not talking so much now, are you, hotshot?
Hope you enjoy that nice, hot shower,
but it's not gonna wash away the shame of
that 15-7 beatdown.
You should have seen the look on your
face...
when that drop shot just kissed the wall.
Ah. Okay, splashdown.
Got me again. Yep.
Make the uptight straight guy all
embarrassed.
Except for one thing -doesn't even bother
me anymore.
I could do this all day. Here, another one
for you.
Maybe a couple of 'em.
Jay, I just noticed a sauna back here.
-How big of a hurry are we in? -Biggest
hurry of your life.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.
Well, if you're going to be stranded,
might as well be in a place full of
cupcakes.
I don't think you need any more.
Ay. I'm sorry, guys.
It's true. I am a defensive driver.
-You mean you're defensive about -I know
what I am.
Let's go.
It's just that I don't like when people just
assume
that I'm a bad driver.
Maybe it was just, like, a little bit my
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fault.
Well, I'm glad you can admit that, Gloria.
But I'm still gonna need you as my lawyer,
Mitch.
-Why? -Because this one
It was not my fault, I promise you.
That's what that sound was.
It was the big cupcake.
That was unreal. Mom was crazy.
I'm scared.
Look. I know your mom pretty well. She's
fine.
I'd be willing to bet she's just composing
herself,
taking a nice, long, peaceful walk in the
park.
Perfect.
At that moment all I wanted was to be with
my family.
But of course, that meant finding a way to
apologize...
to the people that I had belittled and
rejected.
Okay, you are so crazy. That song totally
rules.
-Daddy, you're crazy. -Crazy right.
-Hey, honey. -Hi.
Hey, Mom. Come on. Sit down.
No, seriously, Dad. It's lame.
Seriously, Luke. It's not.
You got some mustard or something on your
face.
I think I know a little bit about music.
I was a DJ in college.
I had my own show in the coveted time slot.
-Daybreak with Dunphy. -Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding you. And I played Rick
Astley.
-Dad, that's embarrassing. -Never gonna
give, Sing it, Luke.
They could have been petty.
They really could have made me pay, but they
didn't.
Never loved 'em more.
Why the hell couldn't Valerie have seen
them like that?
 Modern.Family.S01E14
Hey, Dylan.
Hey, Mr. Dunphy.
What's happening?
Well, Haley and I got into another fight.
Oh. Say Anything.
Um, good morning?
-No. Say Anything. -Newspaper.
No, Dylan. Say Anything. Clutch movie.
Clutch movie.
She probably won't be up for a couple hours
still.
It's okay. It's not that heavy.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【101】-

Modern.Family.S01E15
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, happy Valentine's Day.
So, Fratelli's tonight?
Hello, cannoli canoe.
I like it. Nice fit.
Swanky material.
Jay, you look so strong and sexy.
Like an Olympic wrestler, but with money.
- Your turn. - Okay.
This is my favorite day in America.
Happy Valentine's Day, gorgeous.
They're huge!
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, those will work.
- Beautiful. - You can wear 'em tonight.
I have a surprise.
Don't tell me you're finally taking me
salsa dancing!
And who's David Brenner?
Only a Vegas legend.
Is he a magician? 'Cause I love magicians.
He's a comedian.
A comedian? It's Valentine's Day.
I thought we were going salsa dancing, not
to watch a comedian.
You're gonna love him. Trust me.
The guy's hilarious.
Okay, tell me one of his jokes.
He doesn't do jokes.
- Does he have a mallet? -No.
So then how does he get hit in the head?
He doesn't get hit in the head.
He- He makes observations.
He tells the truth in a funny way.
Come on. He's been on Johnny Carson a
hundred times.
Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Oh, for God's sake.
Gloria and I are from different
generations.
And I won't lie- It isn't always easy.
I mean, last week she thought
Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
No I didn't.
It was a joke.
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I don't get it.
Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
...was to stay in Northern California.
Did you indicate to her how long that you
were gonna take?
- Happy Valentine's Day. - Happy
Valentine's Day.
- Happy Valentine's Day, Daddy. - Happy
Valentine's Day, Lily.
Notice anything different?
- Oh, that is cute. - Cute?
We spent a lot of time on this.
I don't see how.
You just cut up one of your boas.
Uh- Actually, no. We repurposed it.
It was sort of a Bob Mackie meets Martha
Stewart project.
Okay. Well, we just thought it would be a
nice surprise.
It's hardly a surprise. I mean,
you dress her up for every holiday.
I was giving her a bath last night,
and I still saw traces of Martin Luther King
behind her ear.
All right. Not in the spirit. We get it.
No, I'm-I'm sorry.
No. It's adorable. I just-
I'm really nervous about my closing
argument.
Oh, you've been rehearsing for weeks.
You're gonna be great.
Let's hope so.
Hey, and I was wondering-
since you're gonna be in court all day-
You can open the chocolates.
Score.
Hi, Dylan.
Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Dunphy.
Oh. Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet.
You know, all women should look as tasty
as you when they're old.
Huh. Conflicted.
Hey, baby.
Hey. Take this sweet gift as a token of my
affection,

my unending love and admiration-
Oh, my God. Yay, it's big!
Oh, my God.
I love it. It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
Seriously, you gotta put a black light on
it.
It'll blow your mind.
Wow! Dylan, I didn't know you could paint.
Oh, I didn't. I just took a photo
and I put it through this program
that turns it into a painting.
So you two actually did...
- that. - Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Let's go put this over my bed.
Not- No, no.
You don't need to be in the bedroom at all.
I'll take it.
Did he trump me? D-Money.
You tell me. He made a painting out of a
photograph one time.
I have hand-picked a card,
drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine
cabinet,
and taken Claire to Fratelli's,
a family-style Italian restaurant,
for 17 years in a row.
Yeah, he got me. He got me.
- Bye, honey. - See you later.
See you later.
Phil, what is that?
You know, we don't have to go to Fratelli's
tonight.
Okay, what do you have in mind?
Well, I thought you might enjoy a night at
a hotel.
I would, but would you and the kids be okay?
- I meant together. - Yes, I know.
Oh. I know. I know. I got it.
So, what do you think?
I think you're not getting any sleep
tonight,
so you might want to take a nap at work
today.
I always do.
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Phil? Sweetie.
As long as we're talking about being a
little bit naughty,
what would you say to a little
role-playing?
- Role-play? - Mm-hmm.
I'm in.
I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.
And I'll swing by after work to pick you
up.
No, no. Why don't you meet me in the hotel
bar
and see if you can pick me up there.
Careful, lady. You're gonna wake up a sexy
sleeping giant.
Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby,
an English gentleman in town for a polo
match.
Phil.
Or...Honorable businessman from Hong Kong.
Kinda wrecking it.
It's not a big deal, Claire.
I just train tigers for a living.
Too... No?
Are these rose petals?
Yes, to commemorate our love.
I had to settle.
Well, your mom might think so,
but a lot of people think I'm a catch.
No. The case. I- I was this close to nailing
it,
and then my client gets scared and settles.
I'm sorry. Maybe you'd like a chocolate.
Notice that I have not eaten any of the
chocolates.
There were two levels. You know it and I
know it.
This is so frustrating.
I had one of the greatest closing arguments
of all time-
all about the big government rolling over
the little guy,
and I even had this great moment at the
end...
where I would point to the state seal and
I'd say, "Shame!"

Oh, that's what you were doing in the
shower.
I was a little worried.
Um, that's Manny.
I said we would watch him tonight. I hope
you don't mind.
I didn't know you were gonna be going
through all this.
No, it's fine. It might be nice to have him
around.
He always make me laugh.
Hi, Manny.
The universe is cold and loveless.
Uh-oh. Bad Valentine's Day?
I went for the gold- Fiona Gunderson.
I poured my heart and soul into a poem, left
it on her desk.
I even burned the edges to make it look
fancy.
And she didn't like it?
Oh, she loved it.
But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.
Well, Manny, why-why didn't you just tell
her the truth?
She was already gone.
And she's on a date with him at my favorite
restaurant,
Great Shakes.
How do you know all this?
I invited her in the poem.
Right after the line of,
"My love is deeper than the Great Lakes."
Okay, well, this is unacceptable.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
No, it's not that big of a deal.
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna shoot over to Great Shakes, get
a table.
Manny can reclaim the love of his life.
You and I can get a couple Mudslides.
I don't know.
Durkas is gonna be there.
I've seen the kid do a pull-up.
Hey, Manny, it's Valentine's Day.
It's not the day you run away from love.
It's the day you track it down, tie it up
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and take it home.
Now, if we can pull this off,
you and your little lady friend will be
belly up to a ice cream counter
having a milk shake with two straws.
What do you say?
I like it.
Thank you. Thank you.
Scientists- They don't know why this is
true,
but it's true.
Women with big rear ends live longer.
Man who tell 'em that don't.
Did you read about this man,
a 91 -year old bank robber in Texas?
He goes into a bank-
"The hell did I want?"
They had over 4,000 photos of him escaping
from the bank.
See? He's funny, huh?
Mind if I join you?
I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana.
So, Clive, you in town for a convention,
or do you just forget your name a lot?
Pretty kitty has nails.
I like that.
I'm in town for a trade show.
I design high-end electroacoustic
transducers.
Wow, that is very...
specific.
It's a fancy way of saying I get things to
make noise.
So, what's your story?
Miss America Pageant in town?
You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
I'm pretty smooth all over.
Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.
Tell me, would you be interested in
earning a merit badge tonight?
Do you know anything about tying knots?
I probably shouldn't be talking to you.
I'm a married man.

Well, I just so happen to like married men.
Tell me about your wife.
Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful,
why are you here with me?
Because she's always so tired...
and she's always making lists of things for
me to do.
Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so
tired.
Oh no. She can make list for days.
But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged
lists
and your nagging wife.
I'm not talking about you.
I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Yeah.
So if your wife is so beautiful,
why are you here with me?
Because...
I respect her too much...
to do to her...
what I'm going to do to you?
Oh, jackpot.
I'll be right back, Clive.
Do you have eyes on her? Is she here?
Two o'clock- blonde at the back table.
Yep. I have a visual.
Let's not talk like that anymore. Over.
Okay, this is it. I'm off to win the heart
of my beloved.
Well, this is nice.
I mean, if we can't have our own Valentine's
Day,
it's nice that we can give somebody else
one.
All right, Cam. I'm sorry.
I'm sor- I'm sorry I have not been
attentive.
I've been spending the last five months...
pouring my core beliefs
into the greatest speech that I will ever
write,
and then that moment gets taken away.
Hey, buddy. How'd it go?
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I can't do it, not while Durkas is there.
He has the natural confidence. I admire it
and fear it.
We will deal with him directly. We need a
plan.
Could you be more dramatic?
We need a plan.
In Oregon,
the state legislature ratified a, uh,
bill...
that from now on
it is a crime to have sex in Oregon with
a farm animal.
How ugly are the women in Oregon?
He's funny, Jay.
I know. See?
- I can tell you're not- you're not from
Oregon. -No.
- You are gorgeous. - Thank you.
Thank you for bringing your father to the
show.
Oh, no. I'm her husband, Dave.
- No kidding. - Yeah.
What's it like to be married to someone
who was there when the Bible was written?
What was it called then? Just "The
Testament"?
That's, uh- That's- That's good stuff.
Oh, now he's trying to turn out the light.
Phone call. Over there.
- Hello? - Uh, yes. Hello.
- Mr. Durkas? - Yeah.
This is Don Jolly...
with the Great Shakes corporate office,
and I have good news for you.
You have been selected to take part in a
random survey...
that you could win cash and prizes.
Does that sound like something you'd be
interested in?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, just a few simple questions for you.
Would you please rank your favorite ice
creams
at Great Shakes from least favorite to
favorite?

I don't know 'em by heart.
There should be a menu right there to your
right.
To your right. Mm-hmm. There you go.
Oh. Hi, Manny.
Hi, Fiona. Can I join you?
- I guess so. -Thanks.
And you don't have to worry about him
cheating. That's for sure.
Because if he does, you'll catch him...
when he comes home with two sets of teeth
in his mouth.
Yeah.
So tell me, on the wedding night, what-what
did he do?
Did he say he wanted to change into
something comfortable
and go into a coma?
- Listen, I gotta use the men's room. -
Nuh-uh.
I gotta use the men's room. I'll be right
back.
Where you going? Wait a minute.
I'm only joking. That's what I do.
You know, you're way younger than I am.
You just don't look it.
Clive, I have a little something for you.
What is it?
My dress.
- My bra. - Oh, my g-
My underwear.
- My God. - Yeah.
What do you say we take this upstairs?
This is so much better than cheesy garlic
bread.
- Chocolate. - Uh-huh. Go on.
- Vanilla. - I'm taking copious notes.
Keep goin', Mr. Durkas.
So, why would Ted say he wrote the poem if
he didn't?
Maybe because you're the cutest girl in
school,
and you have a laugh that makes science lab
seem like recess.
Would you be more or less inclined
to visit a Great Shakes establishment...
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if you knew your satisfaction was
guaranteed?
- That's a dumb question. - Excuse me.
It is not a dumb question, Mr. -
- Tarnation! He hung up. - Then you can drop
the accent.
Delgado. What are you doing here?
Discussing poetry. Maybe you'll like to
recite some of yours.
I'm not gonna recite anything.
Just admit you didn't write the poem.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Get out of here before you get your butt
kicked.
- I'm going over there. - No, I got this.
Whoa! Whoa, sir! Sir? Turn around.
Sir, you have no right
to claim ownership of another person's
work.
Who are you?
I'm a lawyer.
You have a lawyer?
It is one thing to lie,
but then to bully this young man- it's
unforgivable.
And this is what's wrong with the world
today.
The big guy...
thinks that he can roll right over the
little guy...
until the little guy says, "Enough."
And that's what this little guy's doing-
right here, right now.
Can we stop calling me "Little guy"? I'm
in the 40th percentile.
Shh. I got this.
Ted Durkas clearly did not write that poem.
I know it. He knows it.
Deep down in your heart, Fiona-
You know it too.
Shame!
Fine! Whatever. I stole his stupid poem.
- You did? - I told you.
There you go.
I only did it because I had the feelings,
I just didn't know how to show 'em.

Really? That's the sweetest thing anyone's
ever done for me.
You've gotta be kidding me.
- Let's get out of here. This chick's crazy.
- Seriously.
I've never seen you like that.
You have no idea how good that felt.
Well, happy Valentine's Day, counselor.
This is all happening so fast, Juliana.
I know, and I have to be home to my husband
by midnight.
Ooh, a twist.
Phil! Phil, my coat is stuck.
- Who's Phil? - No, not now! Seriously.
- My coat is stuck. - Oh, oh. Honey, take
off your coat!
- Are you kidding me? Pull it. - Oh, my
goodness.
Pull it. Come on. Come on.
Oh, boy. Not good. Not good.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Come on up. Treat 'em like they're regular
stairs.
- It's okay. - Come on through.
Happy Valentine's Day. You look lovely.
- So do you. Not in a weird way. - Yeah.
- How are you? Hi. - Hi.
- Happy Valentine's- - Let me just get in
here.
Let me get in here.
- Okay? - Phil?
- Hey, Tom. - Hi.
How are you? Honey
Claire, you remember Tom Mickleson from the
office
- and his wife, Susan. - I do. Hey.
Is your coat stuck?
It is. It really is. It's in there pretty
darn good.
Why don't you take it off?
Um, I'm freezing cold.
At least let me give it a shot.
- Oh, I don't think... - No, no, no. I got
it.
- Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy? - Hey.
- Principal Balaban. - Hey, how are you?
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Who's Clive Bixby?
Oh, uh, he makes speakers.
- He's actually in town for a trade show.
- Phil.
My, are you stuck?
Yeah, I am. A little bit.
Why don't you take off that coat?
Um, I'm chilly.
It's really jammed in here.
- Let me in there. I'll get you. - No, I
think we're okay.
Mrs. Dunphy?
Are you kidding me?
Hi! Luke's math teacher, Ms. Passwater.
"Passwater."
Ah, Jay, papi, don't pay attention to what
he's saying.
He's just being funny.
Because he points out the truth.
Those people were laughing because they saw
it too.
- What do you care what they think? - I
don't.
I care what you think.
I love you. You're my valentine.
Yeah, for now.
But what about when I'm 80
and I'm in a wheelchair, on oxygen?
You still gonna want me?
Do you think I'm so shallow
that I'm gonna leave you when you're old?
What if I gain a hundred pounds? You gonna
leave me then?
- No. - What's with the pause?
Well, it's not exactly fair.
I mean, I have to get old. You don't have
to get fat.
If I want to get fat, I get fat.
Okay, fine. And if you do,
I'll be there. You'll see.
Yeah, watch me. Watch me, how I get fat.
- I can get fat. - And I'll be there.
Good.
- You wanna go back in? - No.
I got a better idea.
Let's go salsa dancing. This guy's not that
 Modern.Family.S01E15
funny. told us...
Perfect. that the Sienna was built with the whole
We're good! We're good! I talked to family in mind?
Maintenance. Yeah. Well, the whole family just heard
They're- They're- They're coming, so go on that.
ahead. Uh- Uh- Guess-
See you guys. See you later. I guess the Bluetooth works.
See you in school. Good to see you guys. - Mmm. - Why did you have oil?
Maintenance is gonna take care of it. Because, buddy, we were making French
- So we're fine. - Okay. Okay, how long till fries.
they get here? In your room?
I was faking it. No one's coming for us. Why don't you guys just pop in a DVD?
Well, then, go and get them! Hurry!
That was the most embarrassing moment of
my life.
Claire! Phil!
Stand by.
What, did you get your belt stuck?
I did. Yeah.
Take your coat off. Here, let me help you.
- No, no, Dad. Dad, I'm fine. - Come on!
What are you, naked under there?
- Aw, geez. - It's okay.
- I got this. - Okay.
- Claire, follow my lead. - Okay.
Okay.
- Wow. - Okay.
- Thank you. - It has happened to me before.
That was impressive.
Take it down a notch, Clive.
- You okay? - Yeah. I'm good.
- All right. - I'm good.
- Happy Valentine's Day. - Happy
Valentine's Day.
- Chao. - Okay. See ya.
Bye. Good night.
Oh. That's-
Sorry. See you, guys.
Hi, honey.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you how great
you were last night.
- Uh, Phil... - Sorry I got the, uh- the
oil everywhere, but, hey"
- Uh, sweetie. - They're not our sheets,
right?
Honey- Honey, remember when the salesman

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What am I most afraid of? Hmm. Let's see.
Global warming... and getting a "B."
The phone ringing in the middle of the
night.
That I'm too much of a perfectionist.
Honey, this isn't a job interview.
Oh, man.
Job interviews.
- Nothing. - Yeah, right. What about the
pigeons?
Oh, I don't like them. They're shifty.
- Losing Mitchell. - Oh!
- Hotel bedspreads. - Ooh.
Never getting my driver's license.
Or getting one and the picture sucks.
Dying alone.
Oh, Haley, sweetie, did you find your
shoes?
Mom, please, not today.
I just wanted to know if you found your
shoes.
Why are you hounding me? I'm freaking out
right now.
You need to relax. It's just a driver's
test.
It's my third driver's test, and if I fail
again,
I have to wait six months to retake it.
That's six more months of you driving me
everywhere.
Then I'm, like, "There's no way I'm wearing
that."
- And she was, like. "Well, if you don't
wear it, -Like
then you can't play."
- And then I was, like, "That's fine by me."
- Honey, like.
- And then she was, like, "Well, if you
don't play" - Like! Like!
- Mom! -Stop! Stop saying "Like" All the
time.
- You're embarrassing me! - Stop it! Like,
like, like, like, aah!
Haley. Found your jacket.
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Why is everyone on me? God!
- Ignore her. - She can't focus on two
things at once.
Always a good quality in a driver.
Sweetie, we need to get you some shoes for
the dance tonight.
No, we don't. I'm not going.
What are you talking about?
Why would you not be going to the dance?
Because school dances are lame.
A bunch of immature boys
trying to impress you with how cool they
are...
when they're really just a bunch of dorks.
Ready to go down under, mate?
Yes.
What are you doing?
Treasure hunting.
A few days ago, the cable guy was under the
house.
When he was leaving, he said to Haley,
"Wow. That's quite a collection you've got
down there."
Here's the thing. We have no idea what he's
talking about.
All week, Luke and I have been getting more
and more
excited about what it could be.
I bet it's really cool old magazines.
Yeah. Or a bunch of necklaces made out of
animal teeth.
Or bugs frozen in amber.
What if it's really expensive bottles of
wine?
Or a suit of armor.
What if there's ancient Indian arrowheads
under there?
- What if it's gold bars? - Oh, you think?
For God sakes, why don't you go under the
house and look?
Hey, Cam. Cam, where did we get this dolly
from?
From Janice and Olivia.
They brought it over yesterday. Lily loves
it.
Seems a little frilly, you know, coming

from them.
What, because they're lesbians?
That's sort of an offense stereotype, don't
you think?
Yeah, I suppose. I'm sorry.
Oh, hey, did they bring back our coffee
maker?
No. It was too big. They were on their
motorcycle.
We got off to an awkward start with our
pediatrician,
a very nice Asian lady-
- Irrelevant. - Named Dr. Miura.
So I took the bold step of inviting her over
for brunch.
I'm sorry. Uh, bold?
She said no patient had ever done it before.
Yeah. Subtext, "This is weird."
I didn't hear any subtext.
Do you hear any now?
I don't even know why we're doing this.
Because what if Lily gets sick
and there's a Tamiflu shortage?
Who do you think's gonna get that medicine?
The patient she likes, that's who.
Well, maybe if you bake her a cake,
she'll give us free X-rays.
It's all about making connections.
Why do you think the dentist gives me all
that free stuff?
Um, because he's a huge queen and he has
a big crush on you.
Really? Do you think so?
- Mom? - Hmm?
I have a fever.
Ay, mi amor. Come here and I feel you.
Ooh. I don't wanna get you sick. It could
be fatal.
Then by all means, stand next to me.
Let me feel you.
Ay, papi, but you're not warm.
Uh, probably because you were cooking and
your hands are warm.
I better skip the party tomorrow just to
be safe.
Oh. Yeah, the party.
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- What? - The party.
I understand about 20% of what goes on
around here.
The party is at an amusement park,
- and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
- Poor kid.
I don't know where he gets his fear from...
because his father's not afraid of
anything.
No bulls, no heights,
no helicopters, no fast cars-
But go to dinner with him and wait for the
check to come.
Then you'll see fear in his eyes.
Like the waiter's a ghost.
- Excited? - Yeah.
We're like Ponce de Leon and his son, Little
Ponce.,
-Who's that? - Famous treasure hunters.
His name was Ponce? He'd get made fun of
at my school.
They'd probably call him "Pants."
Pants.
Or maybe, um, "Fancy Ponce."
That's a good one.
All right.
Let's do this.
- You okay, Dad? - Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Yep. Gonna take a little more
than getting trapped in a small, dark space
with a wild animal
- to rattle your old man. - All right.
You never want your kids to see you scared.
You wanna be that rock
that they can grab ahold of in a stormy sea.
Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating
rock.
Let's start over. It's windy, and you've
got a lot of papers.
Okay. Let's do this, buddy.
Okay! Good recon.
Got the lay of the land, so-
Aren't we going in?
Yep, we are.
But won't it be fun if we did it with ski
goggles and barbecue tools?

- I guess. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Let's do that. - All right.
Can I just say that is a lovely outfit.
Oh. Thank you.
Well, it's just nice to see you out of your
lab coat.
You actually have quite a nice figure.
Take it down a notch.
We're trying to make a friend, not initiate
a three-way.
Lily looks great.
Do you think so?
Shouldn't she have more teeth?
I see these kids running around at the park,
and they look like sharks.
Don't worry. She's perfect. Aren't you,
Lily?
Oh, look how calm she is with you.
She's usually very fidgety around new
people.
Well, I just think she senses
you're gonna be a good friend for her...
during good times and- and flu season.
Mommy.
Did she just-
Did she just say-
Well, her first word...
was every gay father's worst nightmare.
- "Mommy." - Oh.
Jay, he won't admit it,
but I know that Manny's sad because he's
missing the party.
Why don't we take him somewhere to take his
mind off it, hmm?
I could have guessed he'd have trouble with
roller coasters.
That kid gets woozy at barbershops
when they spin his chair towards the
mirror.
How about we take him to the pier and go
fishing, huh? Manny!
- He likes to fish? - Yeah.
He comes from a long line of fishermen and
smugglers.
But I encourage the fishing.
Manny, you like to fish?
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Fishing? Yeah.
You want to go to the pier today?
- Is this a trick to see if I'm really sick?
- No.
Maybe the fresh air will make you feel
better.
Well, then yeah, 'cause there's no place
- where I'm more at one with - just get your
coat.
- Are you nervous? - Shut up, Alex.
I was just asking. I'd be nervous if I were
you.
Alex, leave your sister alone. She's gonna
be fine.
As long as I don't get the same guy. He's
so mean.
- You probably will. - You won't.
- He hates me. -He doesn't hate you.
- He yelled at me. - You drove into the
bushes.
Oh, no. It's him. Please don't be for me.
Please don't be for me.
Please don't be for me. Please don't be me.
Hi.
Oh, thank God.
Well, come on. I don't have all day.
I'm gonna throw up.
Okay, no. This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna get in that car, put on your
seat belt...
and take three deep breaths and relax.
This guy sees hundreds of kids every day.
- He probably doesn't even remember you,
all right? - Okay.
Yo. Let's move it, two strikes.
That's more than three breaths, honey.
See how much better this is?
The truck goes in. It gets video.
And then we get a preview of whatever's in
there.
How ingenious is that, huh?
Are you just scared to go in?
Why would you say that?
Well, when you stuck your head in, you
screamed a little.
I told you. That was the house settling.

Besides, this is so much cooler. This is
how NASA does it.
Now, hand me the ltty Bitty Book Light.
Yeah. Final piece of the puzzle.
Blast off.
- Hey, Dad? - Yeah?
How are you supposed to steer if you don't
know where you're going?
Stay in the present, buddy. Gotta do it by
feel.
Gotta get all Jedi on it.
- Did you just lose my truck? - No.
- You just lost my truck! - No, I didn't!
That was my truck! Grandpa just gave it to
me!
- I told you to stay in the present! - Stop
yelling!
- Truce? - Yeah. Sorry.
This is delicious.
Oh. Thank you.
The recipe's from the now-defunct Gourmet
magazine.
Why do all the things I love go away?
Look, I don't even think she said the "M"
Word.
No, we heard it. It was clear as day.
I- I just don't know what we've done wrong.
I quit my job so I could stay at home with
her.
But maybe it's not enough.
Maybe we're not providing her
with the feminine energy that she needs.
Yeah, I wouldn't be too concerned about
that.
You- You know it's because you're Asian,
right?
- Cam. - No, I'm sorry. What?
Am I just supposed to ignore the giant panda
in the room?
Pandas are from China. I- Well, it doesn't
matter.
Okay, okay. I think what my hysterical
partner
is just trying to say, if I may,
that for the first six months of her life,
Lily was raised by very loving Asian women,
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in an orphanage,
with whom she clearly bonded.
And then suddenly you come in with all of
your Asian-ness...
and-and-and breasts and womb, lady bits-
and it all just comes rushing back to her,
and I-
You guys are overreacting.
I'm sure Lily just strung a couple of random
syllables together,
and they happen to sound something like
that word.
But that's all.
- Do you really think that? - Of course.
She's right. She's right.
We're being ridiculous.
We're being ridiculous.
Your daddies are being ridiculous.
Mommy.
Okay. Well-
- Mr. Tucker - No, no, no.
She's made her choice! She's made her
choice.
- All right, left turn. - Here?
- At the intersection, yeah. - Okay.
Left.
- What? - I said left. You're going right.
Wait. No, wait. I'm trying, okay?
Pull over.
- No, I can do this! - Pull over now.
Why are you crying?
Why do you hate me?
Oh, hell. Haley, I don't hate you.
You seem like a nice girl. You remind me
of my daughter.
Which is why I want you to live a long and
happy life...
and be safe and not hurt my daughter.
I really want my license.
I've been practicing a lot, I swear.
- You gonna drink and drive? - No, sir.
- You gonna text and drive? - No, sir.
All right. Let's start this from the
beginning.
Could you smile first?
I'll be less nervous if you smile.

Okay, that didn't help.
Just go.
Today feels like a good day for halibut.
Hey, Jay, did I ever tell you about the
time...
I used peanut butter and jelly for bait
and I caught a thresher shark?
I don't know. You tell me a lot of funny
things.
Why are we going this way?
It's just another way to go.
Uh-oh. Something's going on.
What are you talking about?
Wake up, old man.
She's trying to get me on that roller
coaster.
- No, she's not. - Yes, I am.
- What? - Told you.
Manny, you have to face your fears.
That's why we're here?
Why didn't you let me in on your little
plan?
Because you're the worst liar.
He would have seen right through you.
I don't wanna go on the roller coaster.
Manny, you were afraid to light the
barbecue,
but now your eyebrows have grown back...
and your salmon is legendary.
- What if I fall out? - I will catch you.
That's not possible. He would crush you.
What if I throw up?
I will clean it up. It wouldn't be the first
time.
Geez, these are new shoes.
You're not gonna let up, are you?
Baby, I think you know the answer.
Fine. Let's get it over with.
That's my boy. Vamos, Jay.
No, I'm not going on that. That's bad for
my back.
- Your back is fine. - I got an inner-ear
thing.
- Oh, please. Don't tell me you're scared
too. - Scared?
What is this "Scared" Stuff from?
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What am I, a child? I'm not scared.
You see? You're the worst liar.
Well, if he's not going, I'm not going.
Oh, for God's sake, fine! I'll go alone.
Here. Take my girlie purse
and you my floppy hat,
and if you need it, there's the ladies'
room.
I'm not man enough to fight this.
Here. Hold my purse.
Oh, hell!
- What's taking them so long? - I don't
know.
The only reason I'm not panicking is I
haven't seen a giant geyser.
You know, honey, I think I know why you
don't wanna go tonight.
- Because school dances are lame? - No.
- 'Cause you don't know how to dance. -
That's not it.
I can help you with that. Come on.
- Come on. - Oh, God, no. No, Mom.
Oh, yeah. Back in the day, I was quite the
dancer.
Oh, my God. You and Dad together suddenly
makes so much sense.
Mom. Mom, stop. Stop.
Please, stop. I know how to dance.
I just don't wanna be part of that freak
show.
Sweetheart, you're a beautiful girl.
Someone will ask you to dance.
I know that. It's just stupid.
Somebody will ask you.
Why do you keep saying that?
Somebody will ask you.
But what if they don't?
Honey, if they don't,
then you do the exact same thing I told your
sister, okay?
Take three deep breaths and relax.
Even the advice I get is a hand-me-down.
Mom, I did it! I passed!
Oh, my God!
- I got my license! - Congratulations!
I have my license! I got my license!

- Car's not in "Park." - Oh. Oops.
You better run to that counter.
- Go. Right now. - Run! Run!
Still can't believe you lost my truck.
It's gone, buddy. Let it go.
You know, maybe it's better we don't solve
this little mystery.
Sometimes treasure's more sparkly in your
imagination.
Or it could be gold or baseball cards or
pirate maps.
Do you really think there could be pirate
maps under there?
I'm a hundred percent sure it's possible.
- All right. I'm going in. - What?
Really? Buddy.
What do you see?
Nothing. It's really dark in here.
Wait a minute. I think I see my truck.
It's right over there by the- Uh-oh.
- What? - I think I'm stuck.
- How are you stuck? -My belt loop got
caught on a pipe.
- And it's hot. - Have you tried wiggling?
Dad, it's hot! Hurry!
- I'm coming, buddy! - And hurry. There's
spiders in here.
Coming!
I'm sorry if we got all weird in there.
No. It was fine.
Well, we'd like to say it's different than
how it usually is,
but you've seen us enough to know that
that's not true.
Guys, listen.
I had a very complicated relationship with
my mother.
She was born in Japan- crazy traditional.
She didn't want me to become a doctor.
She wanted me to get married and have kids.
But my father, we would talk...
and he would actually listen to what I
wanted.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say...
is having a mother isn't always what it's
cracked up to be.
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- Oh! Thank you. - Well, thank you.
And if you ask me,
having two fathers who care as much as you
do...
makes Lily the luckiest little girl in the
world.
- Oh! Thank you so much. - Thank you. Thank
you for that.
- That's very sweet. Thanks. - Thank you.
And how are things with you and your mom
now?
The only way she'll be happy is if I'm some
Asian stereotype.
But that just isn't me.
I didn't see those!
- I'm coming, buddy. - Over here.
That's... a spider web. Oh, God.
My boy was in trouble,
so I put my fears aside, and I came to his
rescue.
Now, does that make me a hero?
Yes, it does.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Hey. Everything's gonna be okay.
- There. - Thanks, Dad.
Hey, that's what dads do. Let's get out of
here.
- I want my truck. - Really?
It was a Christmas gift.
Could you go get it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Sure. Let's go- Let's go through it.
Yeah. There it is.
Got it.
- You okay? -Yeah. Are you okay?
You know what? I am okay.
We did it.
We're under the house.
What the heck. We're down here.
- Why don't we see what we got, huh? - Yeah.
Two intrepid explorers...
make their way on a journey-
Dead bodies!
We called the police and got a bunch of
detectives over.
Turns out it was the last owner's Halloween
 Modern.Family.S01E16
decorations, from what's up there.
which is pretty funny. We could get a motorboat.
Least I thought it was. Or a robotic gutter cleaner.
Everybody's afraid of something, right? - Or an indoor pool. - Or a two-man
Heights, clowns, tight spaces. submarine.
You like it, Jay?
I did it!
Those are things you get over.
But then there's our children.
Will they fit in?
Will they be safe?
Those are fears you never get past.
So sometimes all you can do...
is take a deep breath, pull 'em close...
and hope for the best.
- Bye! - Eyes on the road.
- Love you! - Eyes on the road.
Oh, God.
I mean, things don't always work out.
Oh. Cam, I think she wants her doll.
- I don't know where it is. - Mommy.
Mommy.
When you squeeze the doll, it says "Mommy."
- Did-Did you know that - Not a clue.
The doll says "Mommy."
- The doll says "Mommy." - The doll says
"Mommy."
But you gotta love it when they do.
- Hey, Dad. - Hmm?
Mom says there's an old trunk in the attic.
Oh, yeah. My grandpa's old steamer trunk.
In this movie I saw, there was this old
trunk...
and there's a secret compartment.
And when you opened it, there was a whole
bunch of paintings,
by the world's greatest painters, hidden
in the war.
My grandpa was in the war.
Should we go up there?
Totally. It could also be diamonds.
Or a samurai sword.
Or the Declaration of Independence.
You know, it almost doesn't even matter
what's up there.
What matters is what you do with the money

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Modern.Family.S01E17
Hey, honey, Hugh Grant has a--
I'm in.
Okay, well, Alex has a cello lesson at
11:00...
and Junior Congress at noon.
Doesn't she also have no boys at forever?
Don't you have an eating disorder you need
to attend to?
Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or
the 6:20.
Oh, actually, that's no good.
I'm meeting my friend Denise for a drink.
Denise? Do I know Denise?
Yeah. You know, my old girlfriend.
Oh, my God. Gross. I can't even picture you
with a woman.
- Thank you. - You had a girlfriend before
Mom?
Try two.
Trust me. I had plenty of fun in my time.
And then I met your mom.
And thank you.
So I guess she travels
around selling makeup for a cosmetics
company.
She's in town for a week.
You mean she's like a door-to-door
salesman?
If you were doing it, they'd call it a
dork-to-dork salesman.
My boy strikes like a rattlesnake!
Oh, yeah? W-Well, you-
Wow. All right, well, we can see the movie
tomorrow.
Come on. It's time for your lesson.
You mean her second lesson, because she
just got schooled.
What's wrong with me today?
Shake it off, champ. It's not your day.
- Ay, good morning, papi. -Is it?
Ay, you're still sad because of that
audition.
That part was mine. I was born to play
Tevye.
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-【116】-
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Instead they give it to Rod Jackson?
What does he know from suffering?
- How are we doing? - A little better.
But we're gonna go and throw ice cream at
the problem.
Well, if that doesn't work, this should do
the trick.
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
We can hang this in your room.
You can see it every morning, start to
internalize it.
Pretty soon nothing will keep you down.
But it's not true.
What are you talking about?
Lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes
you weaker.
My friend's grandfather had a heart attack.
Now he needs a machine to breathe.
I've seen him- at the supermarket.
Now he needs to drive one of those little,
like-
That's right. Be negative.
It's just not a good poster, Jay.
You're only making me stronger.
- Did you pack the bread for the ducks? -
Yes.
Not the whole-wheat kind. The ducks don't
like that.
They're ducks, Mitchell. They don't care.
We both believe that
animals should play a big part in Lily's
life.
Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded
by them.
They were more like brothers
and sisters than just, you know, livestock.
Delicious brothers and sisters.
Life on a farm- they know what they're
getting into.
Eesh.
Oh, wait.
- Oh, it's the office. -Don't answer it.
I have to.
It's like this every Saturday. Just ignore
it.
Well, maybe it's not that this time. Hello?

Yeah.
That's nice.
Holy- Shel? You all right, buddy?
Oh, hell.
Oh, there's four of 'em, Mitchell.
They're giving her little duck kisses.
Oh, she's laughing. I can't believe you're
missing this.
Well, why not, Cam? I've missed everything
else.
She rolled over when I was in Phoenix.
She started scooting when I was in court.
Well, just tell 'em you're not coming in.
You do enough for 'em.
Well, you know that. I know that. You know?
The only one who doesn't know that is my
sucky boss.
He's the suckiest suck of all time.
He's a miserable son of a bitch who...
may have heard everything I just said.
- Hi, honey. -Hey.
When are you getting together with your gal
pal?
Actually, I was just checking on that.
She's supposed to send me a message.
Oh, you're Facebook friends.
Sure am. She's one of my 447 friends.
Everybody wants a slice.
How long have you two been in touch with
each other?
Uh, she tracked me down about a year ago.
What? What's- What's that sound?
Mmm. Nothing.
Oh. Here she is right now.
"How about we meet at Le Reve at 7:30?"
That sounds innocent enough- I mean-
drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate
French restaurant.
Honey, you're doing that thing when you say
what I want you to say
but your tone seems mean.
Let me guess. Denise isn't married.
Recently divorced. What's the big deal?
Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive.
Seriously, women in their 30s on the
Internet are like-
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they're like ninjas.
They get into their little black outfits
and try and sneak their way into your
marriage.
That's not Denise.
Here. Read some of her messages.
- You're gonna feel silly. - Okay.
"Hey, Phil. How's it going?"
You can't add the sexy voice.
"Hi, Phil. How's it going?"
"So glad to hear your neck is better."
- Are you seriously jealous? - No,
I am not jealous at all.
I just happen to know women better than you
do,
and that woman wants a slice.
Okay. Just to prove how wrong you are,
I'm gonna invite her over here for drinks.
Fine with me. Just hope it's fine with
Denise.
"Gee, Phil, I really had my heart set on
Le Reve."
That voice doesn't bother me.
Kind of like it!
Has he been acting weird around you?
No, no. I've been avoiding him all morning.
So you don't even know if he heard you.
That's why we're doing this.
And where are you? I only have a half hour
for lunch.
Hello, handsome.
So this is where it happened.
Just turn off the phone,
roll down the window and we'll see if you
can hear me.
Go around! We're re-creating a faux pas!
Thank you.
Okay. Can you hear me now?
Yeah, but just barely.
Is this how loud you were talking?
It might have been a little bit louder.
There was traffic. I almost had to shout.
- You almost had to what? - Shout.
- Little bit louder now. - Shout.
- Little bit louder now. - Shout!
Really, Cam? My job is at stake here, and-
 Modern.Family.S01E17
Oh, who are we kidding? You can obviously You have to tell him.
hear me. No. I've been through this before.
I am so screwed. When Mitchell was nine, I was supposed to
Manny? Manny, come here a second, pal. take care of his bird.
- Huh? - I got some bad news, buddy. It got out and flew into a fan.
What is it? It was like a bloody pillow fight.
Well, there's no easy way to say this. My God. How many pets have you killed?
Shel Turtlestein is dead. Just the two.
What? How? I took the heat on the bird. It was a big
I was down here reading the paper, mistake.
and I heard this commotion up in your room. To this day, Mitchell looks at me,
So- so naturally, I go running up there. I see him thinking,
And this mangy raccoon had busted through "That's the guy who killed Fliza Minnelli."
your screen. And what if he finds out? Then what?
He must have scampered up to where Shel was. You'll be the guy that killed his pet and
By the time I walked in, he had- lied to him.
the little bastard had him by the neck and He's not gonna find out because I covered
shaking him. my tracks.
Gravel was flying everywhere. Okay.
He didn't even flinch. Fliza Minnelli?
He just stared at me with that smug look How did I not know that kid was gay?
and then bolted. Hey, Luke.
If only I'd have got here earlier. Big day for you, huh?
May I see the body? Why?
Baby, are you sure that's a good idea? - Because you will get to meet your real
It's something I have to do. mom. - What?
- That's him. - Sorry, pal. We all made a pact we'd deny it until you
It just doesn't make any sense. turned 21.
Yep. Only the good die young. But that's the real reason Dad's old
But in school, we learn raccoons are girlfriend's coming over.
nocturnal. She's your mom,
They sleep during the day. and if she likes you, you'll go live with
They sure do, and this one must've got up her.
for a midnight snack. I'm not adopted. I'm asking Mom.
You know, we've all done that. You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to
- I guess so. -Yeah. tell you the truth.
It all adds up. I-I'm not-
I don't think I can be in here right now. I know.
Too many memories. Just 'cause he called you a dork-to-dork
He'll be okay. salesman?
- You lie. - What? The empire shakes back.
I'm Colombian. I know a fake crime scene Raccoons have five toes.
when I see one. What's that?
I was hanging up the new poster I don't mean to bother you.
and it fell on top of him. It was an It's just confusing.
accident. The footprints in my room only have four

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-【118】-

toes.
You know, I bet I know what happened.
I'll bet he lost those toes in a fight.
And that guy looked like he'd been in a
brawl or two.
- One toe from each foot? - Maybe.
You know, Manny, I think the only thing...
that's gonna get you to stop asking all
these questions...
is for you to have a little closure.
What do you mean?
Well,I'd like to throw a little memorial
for Shel.
It'll be good for all of us.
That way we get our grief out,
and then we never have to talk about this
ever, ever again.
Hi. Oh, careful. There's a thing.
Yeah. Good to see you.
- Hi! Oh, my God. - Hi. I'm Claire.
You must be- Oh. Yeah. Hi.
- Denise. - Well- Okay.
You're even prettier than the pictures that
Phil's always posting.
- Just a couple. - Oh?
Shut up. Every week.
He loves showing you off.
And my boyfriend likes your Acapulco
pictures,
probably a little too much.
Well, thank your boyfriend for me.
Come on in, please.
Oh, I brought you, um, some lifting
intensifier.
Not that you need it. It's a limited
edition,
- Thank you. Thank you. - Never mind.
Oh, Denise, I think you might know these
people.
- Uh, that's Haley - Hi.
- Alex and- - Luke.
I had curly hair just like that when I was
little.
So? That doesn't mean anything.
Why don't we, uh, come on in, have a seat.
Please.
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So what was my dad like in high school?
Only the most amazing break-dancer ever.
- No way. - Oh, don't fire it up. What? What?
He had a boom box and a piece of cardboard
in his locker.
- And what was your dance name? - O-Zone.
I drove him to his Star Search audition.
Which is totally political, by the way.
O-Zone.
That is dead-ass funny. I'm so calling you
that.
Thank you.
Wow. You really lucked out.
You have a beautiful wife, a gorgeous
house.
And those kids- I could take Luke home with
me.
Well, be my guest.
Seriously, you go right ahead.
No! I like it here!
Alex, honey, will you go find out what's
wrong with your brother?
Okay.
You know, um, if it's okay, I think I'm just
gonna use the, um-
Oh, yeah. Of course. Down the hall.
- Left-hand side. You can't miss it. -
Thanks.
- Okay, she's fantastic. -Yes?
Yes. I feel awful.
When did I become this horribly cynical
person...
who assumes the worst about people?
I first noticed it seven years- You're not.
Such an idiot. Is it-
- Oh, I'll show you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -
Okay. Thanks.
So how are we gonna do this?
I thought I'd just point at the door.
- So I was thinking - I was thinking too.
Here... is my hotel room key.
You can come by whenever you want.
That was funny this morning, huh-
when I pulled up next to you at that
stoplight?
Funny?

Yeah. Because I was on the phone with my
partner...
talking about how horrible his boss was-
his.
And then you pull up. So-
Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you.
I'm getting worried they're gonna move up
our court date.
I need you to bust ass preparing.
'Cause if they call us on Monday-
Uh, you need to get that?
No. It's fine. It's just a...
picture of my daughter standing for the
first time.
Yeah, they do that. It's a big day.
Anyway, I need you here tomorrow.
I know it's a Sunday, but,
uh, you think you can be on time, okay?
Actually, um, I have plans tomorrow,
uh, so I won't be here.
I-I have plans to stay at home
with my family and do absolutely nothing.
Okay.
But I will see you on Monday.
So, you're in charge now, is that it?
Well, I just figure if my daughter can stand
up,
then so can I.
All right, look. We've all been working
hard lately, okay?
But that's the job.
So either come in tomorrow or don't bother
coming back again.
Okay.
Need the, uh, I.D. to
make the elevator go down to freedom...
and this to complete my set.
Turtle, reptile, pet.
Shel Turtlestein was many things.
I don't think I can do this without crying.
Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts.
Well, we wanna hear it.
Jay, why don't you read it?
You were with him at the end. Remember?
"Shel Turtlestein was many things,"
"but above all, he was my friend."
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"When I didn't get a date with Fiona
Gunderson,"
"Shel was there."
"When I didn't get to play the part of
Tevye,"
"Shel was there."
"And when a raccoon broke into my room,"
"unfortunately, Shel was there.
"I said a lot of things to my friend,"
"but the one thing I never got to say was
good-bye."
Stop. I know what really happened.
- You do? - I left a bag of chips near my
bed.
The raccoon must have smelled it. It's my
fault he's dead.
Sorry, Shel.
Jay, you don't have anything to say to
Manny?
Yeah.
Manny.
Shel forgives you.
Thank you.
Oh, Denise.
These pictures are amazing. Thank you.
Sweetie, that perm.
Technically, that's a Jheri curl.
I just love to take pictures. I took this
one of myself today.
You know what? I'm gonna open a bottle of
wine.
No. No. That's the worst idea.
No, no. I'm not in the mood.
What am I, raised by a pack of wolves?
Hey. Come on now.
Honey.
You weren't completely wrong about Denise.
- How's that? - She wants me.
- To do what? - It. Her.
Oh. Oh, this is because of the thing I said
about Facebook...
and everybody's hooking up, and now you're
disappointed.
No. She bit the air right in front of me.
Like that.
And then look what she tried to give me.

- Anything I can help with? - No.
I just- I can't find my corkscrew.
- Touch me. - Okay. Denise,
I think somewhere along the line you got
the wrong idea.
My head is full of wrong ideas.
- You have such great taste, Claire. - Thank
you.
I remember Phil used to have really good
taste too.
- Let me get a little of this. - Oh, here
it is.
Phil, would you mind grabbing us a couple
glasses?
You betcha.
- Need me to grab anything? - No!
- Okay, this is so wrong. - I know.
- It's way more exciting when she's in the
room, isn't it? -No.
I still have my cheerleader outfit.
So do I.
But this still can't happen. When did that
break?
- Why are you wussing out? - I never wussed
in.
What about all those things you wrote on
Facebook?
"How was your day? My neck is so sore."
Why do people keep adding voices to these
things?
I didn't mean anything.
Are you telling me that I wasted a year
of my life on this relationship?
What relationship?
How many other women have you led on?
No, I don't know!
Phil?
Phil, honey.
Do you remember when you broke your arm
when we were first dating?
Yeah, uh, when I slipped on the ice.
Right. That's so weird. Because in this
picture,
you're sitting with Denise and you have a
broken arm, so-
Yeah, that's- that's weird.
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-【121】-
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- So you were still dating her when you
started dating me? - No.
- Phil? - Yeah. Maybe.
There was a time, a little overlap...
when, uh, I was trying to break things off
with Denise.
You took me to Santa Fe.
Santa Fe? Phil, you told me that was your
father.
Okay, I know the pain is fresh, but the lie
is really old.
You know, this was a mistake. I'm gonna
leave.
Claire, if I were you, I would kick him out.
Maybe he'd appreciate you
more after he spent a lonely night in a
hotel.
At the Radisson, by the airport.
- You quit? - It was amazing.
No, no. This is the new me, Cam.
I am not letting people run my life anymore.
I should be nervous, but I'm not. I'm
excited for you.
Yes! It's exciting! It's exciting.
Because you followed your heart, and that
is worth celebrating.
Cam, I just feel-
so liberated.
And I'm not picking it up.
- I like this guy. - I do too.
Yes, we'll have to cut back a little bit.
But isn't it worth it if you feel
like you're living your life for the first
time?
- Totally. - What were we even waiting for?
You will go back to teaching music,
and then I'll just find something in a...
few months.
And until then, all we need to do is just
sit back...
and watch this little miracle here dazzle
us.
- I'm tingling. - I am too.
It's like my heart is full for the first
time in forever.
Oh, God, it's really pounding.

It's like I feel the weight of
endless possibilities just sitting on my
chest-
She is not doing anything, Cam.
You're not panicking, are you?
- Of course I am panicking. - No. Don't
panic.
If you panic, I panic!
I just quit my job. Cam! My God.
Mitchell, I am used to nice things.
What are we gonna do?
Okay. No, no. Just calm down.
This is what we're gonna do.
I am going to- I'm gonna do what I'm trained
to do.
I am going to lie, grovel, debase myself
until I get what I want.
I am a lawyer, damn it.
Mitchell!
No.
Oh, no, you're right. The tie.
No. We'll find something better for you,
something that works for all of us.
There's no Plan "B" here, Cam.
We have a mortgage. We have- We have a child
to support.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
We're gonna figure it out.
I just want you to be happy, and you will
be happy.
And that is something worth toasting.
Let's just drink the cheap stuff,
'cause we might have to sell that bottle.
It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies.
Isn't it, Jay?
Kids get over these things pretty quick.
He's probably sleeping like a baby right
now.
I'm sure he's wide awake, full of guilt.
Well, I'm going to sleep.
Damn it!
Hello, Jay.
- What are you doing up? - Waiting.
Waiting for what?
The truth. It wasn't a raccoon, was it?
Oh, all right. You got me. I killed Shel.
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All right? I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Why didn't you just tell me?
Because I didn't want you to be upset with
me.
You and I got off to a rocky start.
Lately, it's been pretty good.
I was afraid I'd mess all that up
if you knew that I was the one that killed
your pet.
Now you're the guy who killed my pet
and made a stupid lie about it.
Well, I don't think it was stupid.
I thought it was pretty clever.
I was just trying to avoid past mistakes.
Look.
I know I can't make things all better right
now,
but maybe over time.
Maybe.
Get some rest.
Since we're confessing things,
you know that scratch on your car?
The one that can't be buffed out? Yeah?
You should probably know how it happened.
I know how it happened.
Raccoon did it.
- Good night, Jay. -Good night, kid.
Best thing I ever did
was quit a miserable job and start my own
business.
- Thanks, Dad. - No, it's not gonna be easy.
That's why Gloria and I wanna give you a
little something
to help you through it.
No, Dad, I can't.
No. I want to, Mitch.
Okay, but, I mean, as soon as I'm back on
my feet, I really want to-
Oh. Oh, Dad. No. You-
You tried to give me this 20 years ago when
my pet snake died.
- I did? -Yes.
- Zsa Zsa Gaboa? - Oh, that's adorable.
And you really didn't know that he was gay?
I must've, right?

Modern.Family.S01E18
What's my favorite way to relax?
Throw on my wireless headphones
and disappear into the Nature Channel.
The young flatback turtle searches for food
on the ocean floor.
This flatback, however-
The fascinating thing about nature...
is how, in the blink of an eye,
it can go from a scene of total tranquil
beauty...
to raw, primal violence.
Can you seriously not hear me with those
things on?
It's noise-canceling technology. Give it
a spin. It's got-
- Sweetie, focus, now. - Mom,
why are you freaking out on everyone?
Because you are acting very irresponsibly-
all of you.
Listen, honey.
Luke has a giant project due tomorrow for
school
that he hasn't even started,
and Haley just informed me
she needs 40 cupcakes for her school
fund-raiser,
also due tomorrow.
I'd like to point out
I completed all my assignments on my own
and on time.
- Not now, Alex. -Ok, look,
I will take the cupcakes. You do the
project.
- It's on Vincent Van Gogh. - Done!
Ok, I need you to really stay on him.
Keep him focused.
All right. I'm actually gonna take a
different approach, but-
Actually gonna insist that you don't.
Claire, I know you've got your methods,
but so do I.
And I'm sorry, but I'm not a micromanager.
Trust me, I can provide Luke
with the tools and guidance he needs...
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【123】-
Modern.Family.S01E18
without, uh, smothering him.
You think I smother our child?
It's not your fault, honey.
"Mother" Is part of the word.
You never hear of anyone being "Sfathered"
to death.
I know what Luke's problem is.
He's got A.D.H.D.
- No. - No, I don't!
- What is it? - I'd tell you,
but you'd wander off before I got to the
"H."
Just promise me that you will stay on him
until this project is done.
I will, but you might have a little more
confidence in him.
Wah! Wah! No one can hear me now.
Everybody is stupid except me.
Ha, ha, ha. I am funny.
Is this the cutest thing I've ever seen?
You out here on the curb with your little
telescope,
waiting for your dad.
It's not cute. It's-lt's science.
Tonight is the magnificent Lyrid meteor
shower.
It's where the planet Geek passes through
the Nerdy Way. It-
Oh, you know I think it's sweet.
Every couple years, Mitchell and his father
go out
and enjoy one of these showers together.
Oh, I- I wouldn't necessarily put it that
way.
I mean, yes, me and my father enjoy it,
because we don't share a lot of the same
interests.
Like, um, I-I never went to sports games
with him.
Probably because you call 'em "Sports
games."
- Just lose the "Sports." - Just- Just
games.
Oh, here comes your shower partner.
Stop it.
I'm kidding. Have fun with your dad, okay?
 Modern.Family.S01E18
All right. See you later. people.
- Don't worry about me. - I'm not. I was talking about people who go to a
I'm just saying, if you were. university.
Shotgun, sucka! Um, not your people.
Make sure your seat is exactly the way you N-Not that your people couldn't go to
want it, college.
and feel free to play with any of these Okay, now I'm hearing myself
controls up here. say "Your people" a lot, so-
I have no idea what they do. Um, just very excited because this is, um-
But I want mi car to be su car. you know, this is our first night out
Cameron, are you okay? You seem nervous. together,
Uh, nervous? No. I'm not nervous. so it's our little date.
I was nervous. Where are we going?
I mean, when Mitchell made plans with his Make sure your seat belt is securely
father, fastened...
I figured, why not spend the evening with and your tray tables are in the upright
Gloria? position...
I've always wanted to be good friends with because I got us into Palaiseau!
her. - Ah! Fancy! -I know.
On paper, we should be good friends. It's normally a four-week wait,
Look at us. One spicy, curvy diva- but the matre d' is an old Pilates brother
And Gloria. of mine,
The problem is, I had a little minor setback so just one phone call.
that we had to overcome from a couple weeks Okay.
ago. Palaiseau!
I cannot stand hanging out with his lvy Ay, Cameron, you know what?
League friends. I don't know if I'm in the mood for
- Oh, they're the worst. - They're not that something so fancy.
bad. Can we just go somewhere, like, more
- They are the worst! - Are you kidding me? simple?
Debbie can't go two minutes Oh, uh, yes. Yes, of course.
without talking about Columbia University. We can- What were- What did you have in
And the little guy with the lazy eye from mind?
Harvard. I don't know.
Brown. How 'bout a little Latin place that I always
Whatever. used to go?
Honestly, I wish that tart would go back - That sounds fantastic. - Okay.
to Columbia... I would love to see how your people eat.
and take her weird little Brown friend with "Your people"?
her. What is wrong with me?
Cam, you need to relax. You explained. Okay. It's egg-crackin' time.
Not very well. Now, I find the key to cracking an egg
You know how awkward I get when things get properly-
awkward. Mom, I'm not a child. I can do it.
So when I said "Brown people," - Okay. - Okay.
I wasn't talking about your, uh, brown Okay.

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-【124】-

My mom's not dumb.
You can't just ask her to do something for
you.
You have to very carefully put the cheese
in the trap.
Oh. Oops. I got a little shell in the bowl.
When that happens, I find that I like to...
- Do not do that. - I got it. It's okay.
- Oh, that's- that's really gross. - Okay.
I'm gonna- I'll do this.
You just mop up.
And snap.
Is it bad that I feel sorry for her?
- So how do I start? -What do you think?
I don't know. Mom usually tells me what to
do.
Join the club. I'm kidding. I love your mom.
We are going to try a new approach this
time.
Now, your goal is to create a display
about the life and art of Van Gogh, right?
- Yeah. - Okay. You got your poster board
right here.
So, pretend you're telling the story of his
life...
to someone who has never heard of him.
What do you put on that board?
I see the wheels spinning. A spark of crea-
How do they get the lead in pencils?
Ok, Let's try to stay on topic.
Hey, Jay. Look who thinks
Mercury is the densest planet in the solar
system.
I take it from your mocking tone that I am
incorrect.
Densest planet is Earth.
Which makes you the densest guy on the
densest planet.
- Zing! -Fine.
You sure Mitchell won't mind me tagging
along?
Are you kidding? He loves ya.
What are you worried about?
I've never had a brother before.
We never really hung out that much.
Kiddo, you are overthinking this.
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I just don't wanna say the wrong thing.
You can't. That's the beauty of having a
brother.
Me and my brother were zinging each other
all the time.
You know, like, "What's going on, fat boy?"
"Nothing much, jackass."
You know, things of that nature.
It's- It's how brothers express love.
Shotgun, sucka!
Yeah. That's good.
I'm gonna see the sights.
Not if they see you first!
Kind of missed with that one, kid.
All right.
This is all you need to know right here.
Apparently, the pencil's in two pieces,
and they glue 'em together on the lead.
What if we put all the stuff about his life
on this side...
and all the stuff about his paintings on
this side?
Luke, buddy, that's fantastic!
And the best part is, you came up with that
by yourself.
All it took was a little bit of focus and,
uh-
This thing is really loose.
I'm gonna go grab a screwdriver. But you
run with this.
On your mark, get set, Van Gogh.
Hey, Dad. He kind of looks like Uncle
Mitchell,
if Uncle Mitchell were insane.
I got sprayed by a skunk!
Oh, you stink!
And not just at astronomy! Blammo!
What is happening?
I love this place.
I was a little bit worried because it's not
exactly-
I... love... this place.
I... was... nervous.
I mean, there was a lot of different food
on the menu,
and on the floor, and on the wall.

Are we sure we're not exaggerating just a
little bit?
Were you there, Mitchell?
Because I think I would have recognized
the only other white or gay person.
I'd already offended Gloria once.
Not gonna do it again.
- Mi amigo Cameron. - Ah, welcome.
- So, carnitas diablos. - Ah, you remember.
Um, I'll just have the same thing.
No, no, no. You should have the chicken
enchiladas.
No, I'll have the carnitas diablos.
- These are not for you. - Excuse me?
They're too spicy.
Miss Gloria's used to it.
Yeah, he's right.
I can spice you under the table any day
there, sweet thing.
Dos carnitas diablos, por favor.
Okay.
Okay.
- Mitchell! - Of course. What was I
thinking?
Dad, can we- can we just go home, please?
You've got to air out first before I let
you in that car.
I'll never get the stink out.
Hey, Jay, is that Venus?,
'Cause I can smell the clouds of pure
sulfuric acid from here.
- Slam! - Okay. I-I'd really like to go home
now.
We'll miss the meteor shower.
The trouble is your clothes.
Just take them off. I think there's a
blanket in the trunk.
You sure, Dad?
You're not worried I might stink up the
blanket?
Don't worry about it.
We just use it to cover up the seat
for when Manny's all sweaty after his tango
class.
If you don't sweat, you're not doing it
right.
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He was one of the best boyfriends I ever
had.
- But he was gay. - Yeah.
I figured that out after the first month-
And I stayed for a whole year
because the haircuts were fantastic!
It's funny, huh?
Cameron, that one is not that funny.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - I love this place.
But your head is running water.
No, I don't think it is.
I told you it was too spicy for you. Look
at your shirt.
- I just need to get a bit of a drink of
something. - No, no, no!
Cameron, the water makes it so worse. No!
Oh, you're right. That does make it worse.
Oh- I feel like I ate the sun!
And that is the secret to no lumps.
See? It's kind of fun.
- You make it fun, Mom. - Mmm.
Listen to these symptoms of A.D.H.D.
- And tell me it's not Luke. - Alex!
"Easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli."
"Often impulsively abandons one task for
another."
That's where I left those.
"A tendency to act without regard to
consequences,
often at the expense of personal safety."
- "Having accidents more often" -Ok, you
know what?
I think that's enough, Alex. We've got it.
Oh, no. No!
Phil. Phil! Honey, are you okay?
Yeah. Remember those sunglasses I couldn't
find?
Bingo!
I asked you to do one thing- stay on top
of Luke.
For your information,
your son is hard at work on an awesome Van
Gogh-
Gotta fix that- masterpiece.
Wait'll you see. You're gonna be so

surprised.
Oh, God, honey.
I want nothing more than to be surprised,
really.
I'm not surprised.
Okay, that's it. I don't want to hear
anything
about your new method of doing things.
There's one thing that works with these
kids,
and that is staying on top of them,
which, thanks to you, my friend,
I will now be able to do all night long.
Not happy, dude.
You're supposed to be working.
I am working.
Mr. Potato Head, really?
- I know what you think, but- - No, I don't
wanna hear it.
I'm going down to clean up the garage,
then I'm coming back and I'm gonna stand
over you
until this thing is done, okay?
- Breathe. - Breathing only makes the fire
spread.
Okay. Then drink this milk.
Ay, Cam. Why did you have to order that
spicy dish?
Because I'm, um, a big idiot...
and I wanted to have this awesome night
between the two of us...
where we end up best friends,
uh, having lunch, buying shoes.
Okay! Let's go have lunch, let's go buy
shoes.
- Really? - Yeah. Why are you so surprised?
Well, I don't know. I guess i just always
feel like I blow it with you, Gloria
whether it's the Columbian comment...
or picking the wrong restaurant.
The restaurant had nothing to do with you.
I was just not in the mood to go anywhere
that fancy...
after the stupid thing I did this morning.
What did you do?
- I bought a dress. - You monster.
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Ay. It was a very expensive dress that I
don't need.
I felt so stupid that when I got home,
I couldn't even bring it inside the house.
- I left it in the car. - I totally get it.
I have a legendary hat story.
I'll bet you look fabulous in that dress.
Yes, but anyone would look fabulous in that
dress.
- You find that blanket? - No.
This was all I could find. Shut up!
- Really shows off your shape. - Okay.
Spin around, cupcake. Let's see the
caboose!
You get fries with that shake?
Was that too far?
There's a line, Jay.
I better go mop this up.
Oh, come on. Where's the-
I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand
back there,
but in our defense, look at you.
I mean, smell you.
This is a fantastic apology.
Oh, don't be too hard on the kid. I was
egging him on.
You're gonna be mad, be mad at me.
Done!
I was just happy to see him laugh a little
bit.
You know, he's had kind of a tough week.
I got sprayed by a skunk,
and I'm wearing a dress that makes my hips
look huge.
I know he doesn't want me to talk about it,
but he didn't get invited to this big party.
Some kids he thought were his friends
think he's weird.
Now, you know me on this. I'm no- I'm no
good at it.
You know, I- I never know what to say.
That's true.
But maybe I raised a kid who would know what
to say.
That's the only reason I invited him along-
you know, because this astronomy stuff,

that's- that's our thing.
Yeah. No, I'll talk to him.
You know, you don't look that ridiculous.
- Now, you actually got the legs for it.
- Dad.
No, I'm just saying,
- if you were that type of a gay- - Dad!
You'd probably do all right for yourself.
Come on!
You know, I always had a sense it was
dangerous down here,
but I guess it's actually kind of charming,
isn't it?
No, it's not safe at all.
- I used to live down here, you know. - What?
Yeah, that's why I come down here. Look
there.
That was my old apartment.
After I left Javier, that's all I could
afford.
It's still part of me.
You have to remember those things,
like you when you go to your farm.
You remember that? I told you that a year
ago.
Of course I do. You're my friend, you big
idiot.
You know, this part of town might be very
rough,
but the people here, Cameron- the best.
I'm pretty sure I had wheels when I parked
here.
Ayayay! Who did this?
- No, it's okay, Gloria. - Who did this?
You coward son of bitches!
It's okay, everybody! I'm- I'm insured!
What? What? You scared?
You scared to show your face, little girl?
- No, it's all right, everybody! - Cameron,
wait in the car!
- Cameron! - Gloria, I think it's drivable.
Gloria!
Just so you know, I'm going back up to
Luke's room,
- and I'm not leaving until he's finished.
- Thank you.
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And I'm really sorry for not
underestimating Luke enough.
Well, that means a lot to me.
The hardest part is, he kinda takes after
me with all this.
Like my lack of focus and your-
- My what? - I just love you.
I did it.
Oh, my God.
Do you like it?
I-I- I love it.
- Did you do this? -All him.
I used Mr. Potato Head ears
because Van Gogh cut his ear off.
And there's money
because his paintings sell for, like, a
bajillion dollars,
which is sad because he died broke.
Yes. That-
- You were right. -Don't apologize.
- I'm not apologizing. -Apology accepted.
Luke, I-I really couldn't be more proud of
you,
and I am so sorry I didn't give you more
credit.
- Thanks. - Way to go, buddy.
Gotta go finish the cupcakes.
No. She didn't.
- Sweetie, can you hand me those? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, I can talk.
What are you doing?
I showed you how to make 'em,
and now you can do it yourself.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
Well, good, because I really wanted to.
Okay. I'm setting the oven to 700!
I'm putting, uh- I'm putting the eggs in
the bowl!
Oh, I got some shells in 'em! Uh-oh!
Are you serious?
- Hey. - Hey, Mitchell.
So, I know you'd never, um-
I know you'd never,
never believe this by looking at me right
now,
but, um, I used to get picked on at school
 Modern.Family.S01E18
too. Do we still have the number for Poison
- So Jay told you? - Yeah. Control?
Yeah, they would, um- they'd call me weird. I love you, Claire. I'll always love you!
I was weird. Uh, fun weird. My mouth is asleep, like at the dentist.
But I- This is the funny thing about growing Get over here, buddy.
up.
For years and years, everybody's
desperately afraid...
to be different, you know, in any way.
And then, suddenly, almost overnight,
everybody wants to be different,
and that is where we win.
- I'm sort of counting on that. - Yeah.
- I'm sorry I was picking on you too much.
-Ah, that's-
Jay said that's what brothers do.
Well, we don't have to listen to him.
- Brothers do that too. - Okay, ladies.
Finish up your tea party.
You're missing the show.
Can't believe I was fighting over this guy,
huh?
Check it out. Check it out.
- Wow. - Awesome!
Why did he paint The Starry Night?
Maybe because the sky is beautiful,
and everybody likes looking at it,
and it reminds us
that something's up there watching over all
of us-
aliens, who could be here in a second...
to liquefy us and use us as fuel.
So wake up, people. We're next.
Mom!
You better get down here!
Oh, my God.
Wow! Delicious!
I am so proud.
Oh! Thanks, Mom. I'm just gonna wrap these
up.
No. You know what, sweetie?
You're gonna be late for school. Just go.
I'll bring 'em by later.
- Are you sure? -Yeah!
- Get out of here, Betty Crocker. - Okay.
I'm so proud of you!

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Today Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball...
and it hit another kid so hard his eye
popped out.
Awesome!
Really? His eye popped out.
- Never mind. - Well, gotta hit the sack.
Big Saturday tomorrow.
That's right. It's somebody's birthday.
Not just that. The iPad comes out-
on my actual birthday.
It's like Steve Jobs and God got together
to say,
"We love you, Phil."
What is so great about that doohickey
anyhow?
"Doohickey," Elly May?,
It's a movie theater, a library and a music
store...
all rolled into one awesome pad.
A library is a place where people get books.
A movie theater is a place where people go
on dates.
I better load the beach chair into the
trunk.
I'm gonna need it for the line in the
morning.
Wait, honey. Hang on.
You can't spend your birthday in line.
Well, not the whole day.
I have to be there at 6:00, you'll forget
about it.
- Then I'm out by 10:00. - Why don't you
let me do it?
Claire, you don't have to do that.
No, I know, but I want to.
And that way on your birthday
you'll wake up and you'll have your
brand-new toy.
Okay.
Well, in spite of you calling it a toy,
this is shaping up to top the best birthday
I ever had.
Oh, thank God we don't have to hear that
stupid story
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- about that place... - It was called the
Fun Zone.
I was 11.
I hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting
cage.
Then my best friend Jeff Sweeney stepped
in
and took one in the groin.
I yelled out "Ball two!"
Everybody laughed.
That was when I knew I was funny.
Good night.
B-E-L-I-E-V-E. Believe.
Are you sure there's not an "E-I" In the
middle?
- No. It's "I-E." - Good, papi!
If I can't fool you, then your teachers
can't fool you either.
I don't think they're trying to fool me.
Wait until you see what I got Phil for his
birthday.
I found it on the SkyMall catalog.
Ay. It's not one of those talking alarm
clocks?
"It's 6:05. It's 6:25. Wake up. Wake up."
Even better. A rosewood chess set.
As matter of fact, before I wrap this thing,
what say we take it for a spin?
Come on, Manny. I'll teach you.
He knows how to play. His father taught him.
I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the
Colombian version.
We actually use the pieces to play the game,
not smuggle stuff out of the country.
I know one Colombian piece you won't be
playing with later.
Manny, come on. Let's see what you got.
You'll be surprised.
Manny's an excellent player, but Jay is a
grumpy loser.
He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the
door,
then he said he didn't slam the door.
It's better that he wins.
Um, I got this.
Everything's gonna be okay.

It's okay. It's okay.
- Cam! - Leave me alone.
There's a...there's a man in Lily's room.
There's a man in Lily's room!
It's go time.
Oh, thank God.
It's me, it's me, it's me, it's me.
She's fine.
We must have just heard a neighbor with the
same monitor.
Thank God.
Boy, if a spider would have broken in here,
he would have been in trouble.
Light-up barbecue tongs.
This was the lame gift I got Phil.
So, was I bummed to get up at 5:00 and wait
in line?
No. No, because I was finally getting my
husband
something that he really, really wanted.
I was every bit as excited as he was.
No.
Hey, buddy.
I hope you're not upset about our chess
match yesterday.
Hey, what do you say we play again?
- I'm good. - That's the spirit.
Downloaded this for you.
It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.
No, Jay. I'm good.
Nah, it's not all dry like that. They have
fun with it.
See, you can color in the little players
with your crayons.
Now you are making me want to play again.
Now we're lighting a fire. Let me toss this
out.
If you beat me, if that day should ever
come,
I'll give you-
- I want your watch. - Wow, you had that
loaded up.
Okay. Game on.
Now, I want you to go first.
Now remember, try to open up the middle of
the board.
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I'd have moved that guy two spaces.
More aggressive.
And you don't want to bring your queen out
that quickly.
See, now you could've protected that with
that,
but now you're vulnerable-
- Checkmate. - Huh? What?
How'd you do that?
You will not believe what's going on
at Jake and Debbie's house.
-Who? -The people on the monitor. They must
live nearby.
So much drama.
Okay, Jake told Debbie that he had to work
late.
So she called his boss
and found out that he didn't. Busted!
So she spent all morning on the phone
crying and crying and crying to her
mother...
and said if Jake has to work "late" one more
time,
she's filing for divorce.
That's it? I give you that tasty dish
and all you give me is a "Huh"?
I-I'm s- Cam, I froze last night.
I froze.
I thought Lily was in danger and I froze.
But not you. No, you sprung right into
action.
You even had the cool "It's go time" line.
That comes to me naturally. I spent a year
as a crossing guard.
Cam, I mean, what kind of parent am I
if I can't even protect my own family, you
know?
Just once I would love to be the guy with
no fear...
who can stand up and, I don't know, you know,
kick some ass.
You're so cute when you're angry with your
little fists.
Just wanna put you in my pocket.
Think he's coming.
- He's coming? - Here he comes.

- Dad! - Happy birthday!
You guys! That's awesome.
- Oh, who are these from? - Cam and
Mitchell.
Those guys are a class act.
We're making you breakfast.
French waffle cakes.
Let me guess: One waffle in between two
pieces of French toast
wrapped in a pancake.
Nailed it.
Bring it in here, monkeys.
Love you! Get over here!
Good enough.
Where's Mom?
You mean the greatest woman in the world?
She is standing in line at the Apple Store,
making all my birthday wishes come true.
Let's see how these bad boys taste.
- Oh, no... - Son of a... Oh! It's hot!
- Are you okay? - Fresh out of the oven?
That is...
- Do you want some ice? - Yes.
Oh, man! This...
- Oh, that feels better. That feels better.
- Sorry, Dad.
No, it actually- That feels weird.
That burns in a different way!
Don't wash this until we see if I can get
my skin back. Okay?
Let me see it!
No! Your party's not until tonight.
You're just gonna have to wait.
Just let me see the bag. Did you leave it
in the car?
- Yeah! - Hey, who'd you deal with?
Was it a guy named Mehar? They call him "The
beast."
He's a tiny guy. He must've move a ton of
product.
I kinda love that you're making me wait.
You are the best wife ever!
You are the best wife ever!
I didn't get you the iPad.
I got to the store and they were all out.
I'm so sorry.
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I don't understand. My online buddies got
it.
SAT800 and Brobot didn't get there until
8:00.
And you definitely got there before they
did,
because you got there at 6:30.
No, no, no! You didn't get there at 6:30?
Where were you?
I set the alarm for 5:00.
I got up, I came downstairs, I fell asleep.
No! Oh, my goodness.
What have I done? What have I done?
- I should've done this myself. - Sweetie,
you know what?
They're gonna get more in next week.
Next week?
That's the worst thing you can say to an
early adopter.
Where are you going?
To a place where birthdays still mean
something.
I'll get that.
- Hi, Manny. - Mitchell?
What are you doing here at...
4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Oh, I'm just returning my dad's belt of
tools, so-
At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Don't you have something better to do?
- So, were you a big hit? - What do you mean?
Well, I just assumed there was some kind
of costume party.
Was Cam the Indian?
No. For your information, Dad,
we were actually doing a little
construction at the house.
What'd you build?
A gift-wrapping station.
And we're back.
- So, thank you for that. - You're welcome.
Hey, uh, Dad, do you remember when I was,
probably 11...
and you were teaching me how to fight, and
then I quit?
Yeah, when you said everything you needed

to learn
you'd learn from West Side Story.
- Yeah. - How'd that work out for you?
If I'm ever in a dance fight, I'll let you
know.
So, yeah- Is the offer, uh, still good?
Why? What's the matter? You got problems
with Cam?
No! Why would you say that?
Well, come on. I mean, you know, sharing
a room with a guy?
I bunked with my brother. I know that can
get pretty rough.
I don't "bunk" with Cam.
Dad, I just wanna learn a little
self-defense, you know.
Show me what you remember.
- Right now? - Yeah.
Okay, uh- Gosh, uh- Thumbs out.
- Thumbs. Attaboy. - And then-
That wasn't- That wasn't very pretty, was
it?
You know what? Maybe it was a little too
pretty.
That's the thing.
Here it goes.
Oh! Oh, man!
Buddy!
Think the problem is, you're not jumping
from high enough.
You should get on top of the garage.
Alex, stop trying to kill your brother.
Listen, guys, I need your help.
We've gotta find your dad one of those iPad
thingies.
So, Haley, text everyone you know.
Alex? Facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling,
I don't know! Just do what you have to do.
We have got to find one of these iPads.
Okay?
Luke? Sweetie, that means stay out of
everyone's way
and stop inhaling the balloons.
I'm not inhaling them.
Stop lying.
How did she know?
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Didn't your mama teach you never to take
a ride from a stranger?
Got a little vacation time coming up?
Have fun on the moon!
Not feeling too well lately?
Maybe you should come see the doctor...
and I'll get rid of it!
What's that supposed to mean?
Attention. If you're here for Phil's
birthday party,
they're gathering in the picnic area.
Phil's birthday party.
My wife knew I'd be here.
She put together a whole party for me.
Does that really make up for not getting
an iPad?
Don't make me sorry I shared that with you.
Okay?
See you, fellas.
Howdy-do!
I just heard the announcement for Phil's
birthday party.
Oh, yeah. It's right around the corner.
- Awesome. - Have fun!
Thank you. Thanks, my lady.
Ice-cream cake? Ice-cream cake's good.
Happy birthday, Phil!
This is awesome!
- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, sweetie.
- Happy birthday. - Have a really good
birthday.
- Did you see the cake? - Oh, yeah. It's
great.
Hello?
No, that's fine, I'm just putting the baby
down.
Okay, that's Jake. He's the one that's
having an affair.
- I know. - Yeah, I can do it tomorrow night.
I'll just give my wife some excuse.
Men are pigs.
- I don't really have a choice, do I? - Yeah.
You could not cheat on her! How about that?
Because it has to be a surprise.
When she hears me speaking Italian to her

grandmother,
it'll be worth all this sneaking around.
Lily, I had it backwards. He's wonderful.
Don't worry. I'll just tell her I'm working
late.
No, Jake, don't do that.
That's the worst thing you could do.
Buonanotte.
Oh, no, Lily, what are we gonna do?
We have to fix this.
Okay, Mitchell, I'm gonna teach you
a couple of basic Brazilian jiu-jitsu
moves.
Now, just attack me.
I'm sorry- What?
Take any deep-seated anger you may have,
get a running start and come at me.
Dad, I don't have any deep-seated anger.
Remember that Halloween when
I wouldn't let you go as Olivia
Newton-John?
You see what I did? I used your momentum
against you.
I learned this choke from the Gracie
brothers.
It's called the lion killer- mata lella.
- Okay. - Now try to get out. Try to get
out.
- See? - I can't.
Yeah, all right. Now-
- Passing out... - See, the beauty of this
is,
you don't have to make the first move.
You know, chances are your opponent's gonna
be overconfident.
He's gonna think you don't know anything.
Basically, he's being suckered into
thinking-
Manny. Manny, that little bastard, he
hustled me.
Oh, crap.
Ah, crap. Mitchell!
Oh, crap. All right. Come on. Breathe.
Attaboy. You all right? Coming around.
- Why am I on the floor?- Come on, Mitchell.
Haley, I just struck out again.
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Please tell me you have some good news.
Okay, so The Grove just got a new shipment.
I'm texting you the directions now.
Oh! Okay, that's good. That's good. That's
good.
I'm there. I'm on that.
That kid stole my watch.
- Huh? - What?
He hustled me at chess.
I thought you promised you were gonna let
him win.
- I did the first time. - Wait a minute.
You're in on it too?
Manny, go and get dressed for the party.
Do I have time for a steam?
- Yeah, but a quick one. - Okay.
Why tell him to lose to me?
Because you're like a baby when you don't
win.
With the kicking and the eyebrows...
and the angry eating of the sunflower
seeds.
Actually, that's not true.
I don't mind losing to a chess genius, which
Manny obviously is.
Chess genius? He's not even as good as I
am.
You're not that good in chess.
- I beat you on our honeymoon. - Or did I
let you win?
You didn't let me win.
Why would I sacrifice my queen for your pawn,
Jay?
Stop saying that.
Luke, honey, hi. What's going on?
They guy came with Dad's cake,
but just so you know, it's missing a piece.
- Luke, did you take a bite out of your
father's cake? - No.
- Stop lying, Luke. - I'm not lying.
By the way, I used your credit card to pay
him.
Is that all right?
Oh, no, that's fine.
Whatever. That's why I left the wallet
there.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
I left the wallet there! I left the wa-
Your poor father.
All this running around,
and he's gonna think nobody cares about him
on his birthday.
More cake?
Why not, Little Phil?
I got no place else to go.
Sir! Sir! Sir, hi. Excuse me.
Um, yes. I know this is highly unusual,
but I need your help to save a marriage.
There is a couple in this neighborhood...
that is about to get a divorce for a simple
misunderstanding.
Their name is Jake and Debbie.
And I know you've taken an oath...
to not tell people where other people live,
and I respect that,
but maybe we could work out some sort of
super secretive spy signal,
where if you scratch your left ear,
you know, maybe they live on the left,
and if you scratch your right ear, they live
on-
They live right here.
This conversation never happened.
- Sorry. - Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Dad just put me to sleep.
The hunting story.
Hmm. No.
Oh, my gosh, no. You can't cut the line.
Sorry.
- I was here. - Uh-uh.
I-I've been here for an hour and a half
and you haven't been, so you cut the line.
- Whatever. - Whoa. Excuse me, sir.
I don't think you understand.
You're not getting in front of us.
Calm down, gingerbread.
- Are you gonna move or not? - No.
Oh, no.
Then you leave me no choice.
Oh, my God.
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Go to sleep.
Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
No.
- Mitchell, what are you doing? Get off of
him. - Shut up.
- He's about to go to sleep. - No, I'm not.
Okay, folks. Break this up. You three- out
of line.
Oh, no. I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have
anything to do with this.
I'm just waiting in line to get an iPad.
I don't even know this guy.
Oh, my God. I need your credit card.
- He's the problem. - Shut up! You're
supposed to be asleep.
- It's okay. I have it. - Get off!
- I've got it. - What?
I've got your card. I'm good. No, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm here. I'm here!
I've gotta get my husband an iPad!
Key to a good birthday? Low expectations.
Thought I was getting an iPad. I was wrong
about that.
Thought I was getting a surprise party at
the batting cages.
Sorry, Big Phil.
Guess when it comes right down to it,
we're all just Jeff Sweeney taking a
fastball to the plums.
Hey, um, Dad, your cake fell off the
counter,
but Uncle Cam's trying to fix it.
He won't.
And the pizzas never showed up.
And they won't!
Hey, balloons.
Fine. I guess we'll never know.
Or we can find out right now.
Yeah, Manny, give me the chess set.
- Oh, it's a chess set. - Yeah. You'll get
it later.
We got something to settle now.
- Go in there. - Happy birthday, Phil.
Happy happy.
Is that Claire's baked brie I smell?
No.

Oh, Cam, Cam, you'll never believe what
happened.
- Happy birthday, Phil! - Sure!
You'll never believe what happened.
I got in trouble for fighting.
And we saved a marriage.
- Well, this is the best day ever. - It
really is.
Ain't it though?
Look at this, papi, huh?
Easy.
You can't sing "We Are the Champions"...
without your queen.
Damn it! Listen, I lose and I burn this
house down!
- Ah, but look at this... - Honey, honey.
What are we doing? This is ridiculous.
One of us is gonna win the game,
the other's gonna feel lousy, and we both
lose.
Yeah, just leave my birthday present on the
floor.
That's my girl. She had me.
There was no way I could win. I knew it.
I'm just glad she didn't know it yet.
Two moves, and then-
I'm a very good chess player.
But I'm a better wife.
- Hey, did you get it? - No.
- How's your dad? - Acting weird... er.
- Hey, wife. - Honey, hi.
- Um, listen... - Mom.
Yeah, Luke, hang on one second.
Honey, it's okay. I don't feel things
anymore.
- But, sweetie, I want you to feel... - Mom!
Luke, I'll be with you in just a second.
Where are you going?
Just heading out to the yard to get a shovel
for my cake.
- Mom. - Luke, what do you want?
I went on Dad's computer,
contacted some of his geek friends,
told them that he was dying
and his last wish was an iPad.
Luke, what have I told you about-
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One of them felt so bad, they brought over
an extra.
Oh, my God. You got it. You beautiful little
liar!
Here comes Dad.
Who wants some cake?
I used to, but I don't desire food any-
Oh, my God. You got it!
All this time I said I didn't care,
but I do care. I care so much!
- Do you want to blow out the candles? -
Yes.
Go on. Go.
It did not just do that!
- Yes, it did! - Honey!
Oh, who's ready for the first day of the
rest of their lives?
- Phil, happy birthday! - Look at this!
- Can I touch it? - Yeah, not so hard, but
touch it.
Touch it, but don't touch it. Touch it, but
don't touch it.
I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.
I love you.
Thank God that guy came over.
What did he say his name was?
He didn't. Must be an angel.
Did you hear that? I'm an angel.
- Or some creepy perv. - Yeah.
How did he know? Eww.
- Maybe I should call the police. - You
should call the police.
- I'm gonna call the police. - And they
lived happily ever after.
No, Cam. Where are you going? It was just
getting good.
I want- That's my program.
I love you.
- I love you too, honey. - Oh. Okay.

Modern.Family.S01E20
Steaks will be ready in five minutes.
You're destroying those things.
- Ay, Jay, leave him alone. - No, I'm sorry,
but that cow has suffered long enough.
- Fun. - Wait.
Hang on. Dinner's ready in five minutes.
Coach wants us to practice layups.
They are deceptively hard- a curious mix
of dance and strength.
- You're making it lame again. - Sorry.
- Ay, Dios mio, that coach. - Oh, I hate
that guy.
He seems to have the kids motivated.
Oh, Dad, you haven't seen him.
He taunts the kids. He's abusive.
Listen, if this was a Colombian soccer
league, long time ago,
one of the kids would have taken that guy
out and-
A coach is supposed to ride the kids hard.
- Phil, help me out here. - He's a mean man.
-Oh, you're such a woman. - Come to the game.
You'll see.
This guy's a real motherscratcher.
Pardon the language, Gloria.
"Gloria"?
He better cool it,
or I'm gonna introduce him to the Captain
and Tennille.
Sorry we're late. I was at work.
- Oh, he loves to say that. - And happy
barbecue.
Oh. Since Mitchell is between jobs,
I've taken a part-time job at a greeting
card store,
which I love.
Plus, with my discount,
we're saving a fortune.
How is spending a ton of money on greeting
cards saving us a fortune?
It's math.
It's really not. Look it up.
- Forty percent off. - 2.95.
-3.95. - Forty percent off. Forty percent
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-【137】-
Modern.Family.S01E20
off.
Mitchell, I got this golf buddy of mine.
Great guy. Super successful. You two should
talk.
It could mean a job for you.
Oh, thanks, Dad, but I'm-
I'm not really looking for anything right
now.
- But- - Yeah, that's right.
With me bringing home the bacon,
Mitchell doesn't have to rush into
anything.
Yeah, I know you have all that greeting card
"Screw you" Money,
but, uh, talk to the guy?
He's expecting your call in the morning.
Dad, I appreciate it, but in the future-
I can't stand this.
I am sorry, but I-
No. Those steaks have been done for five
minutes.
I'm taking 'em off the grill.
I'm sorry. I know how it feels
to have him stick his nose where it doesn't
belong.
No biggie. It's just Jay being Jay.
But one day I'm gonna be a grandfather,
and then everybody better hide their meat.
Ooh. Who's she?
I hate it when you do that.
- Who's he? - It's Charlie Bingham.
He's the guy that my dad wanted me to call.
I googled him. Look.
Oh, he owns Earthgear Apparel.
I have their ski pants.
Really? You don't- You don't ski.
I have cargo pants and I don't work at the
docks.
God, I feel like such a slacker.
I mean, he has done so much for being so
young.
Okay, look. He's opened up a dozen
environmental foundations and
conservancies.
- Wow. - So, you gonna- you gonna call him?
I don't know. I mean, you know,

I sort of promised myself and you...
that I'd take a little time off, and-
- And you are loving your time off. -
Totally.
I am losing my mind.
As much as I love Lily-
which is, you know, more than life itself-
I am- whoo- not cut out to be a stay-at-home
dad.
No, but it's Cameron's turn.
It's Cameron's turn to be out in the
world...
interacting with other grown-ups while I
get to stay at home...
and-and plot the death of Dora the
Explorer.
Like to fill her backpack with bricks
and throw her into Candy Cane River.
So, I don't know. Should I- Should I call
him?
I don't know. Maybe just to get your dad
off your back.
- Yeah. Yeah. - I mean,
because the last thing I want for you is
to take a job right now.
I am loving our life.
I am in a really dark space.
Being away from my Lily is literally
torture.
And I can't pressure Mitchell,
but I really, really, really just want him
to get a job...
so I can go back to being a stay-at-home
dad/trophy wife!
Guys, come on!
Come on, ladies! Move it!
Goodness gracious! Turtles run faster!
Come on!
Could you run any slower?
I dare you to run slower!
- You see? - He's just trying to light a
fire.
Oh, I'll light him on fire!
Why do I always have to come to these
things?
Because you love your brother.
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-【138】-
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Why don't you make him come to my orchestra
concerts?
Because we love your brother. Good job,
Luke.
Shoot!
Delgado, you're killing me, man!
I love you, Manny, no matter what!
Come on!
Okay. That's great.
Okay, well, I'll let you know. Right.
All right. Bye.
Uh, so, Charlie Bingham just invited us
over...
to his beach house for a little
get-together.
Oh. Uh, what did you say?
I said I'd check with you.
I mean, what do you think?
What do you think?
Well, I think it'd be rude not to hear him
out.
- Yeah. I mean, yeah. You're probably right.
- Yeah.
- Okay. - Cool.
And don't worry. You know, I'm not gonna
take any job.
You better not.
I just miss-
I just-
I just-
I just miss... my grilled cheese
sandwiches!
You're doing great, Luke-
if your goal is to suck!
- Phil, you- - I'm on it.
- Okay. - Wait for me.
- Hey, Coach. - Yeah?
Uh, look. We appreciate your passion,
but some of us are worried that
the yelling is getting counterproductive.
I got this. Come on, stupid!
No, you don't "Got this." What you got is
a bad attitude.
Who are you?
I happen to be the stepfather of-
Doesn't matter who. What you need to start

doing...
is a little more coaching and a little less
yelling.
'Cause if I hear you call one of these kids
stupid again,
I swear to God, I'll throw a shoe at your
head.
Screw it. I don't need this.
You think you can do a better job?
You coach.
Jay, you know, I was handling it.
Yeah, I saw how you broke out Peaches and
Herb.
It's the Captain and-
Okay. So, your old coach had to leave for
a little while.
Why? Is he sick?
- Yes. He's very, very sick. - Is he going
to die?
Everybody dies, boys. Let's focus on what's
important.
Our next game is in one hour.
We are going to go from being five fingers
to being a fist.
- How does that sound? - Great.
- I can't hear you. - Great!
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
All right, gentlemen. I talked to the
referee. I'm coaching.
- Oh, really? 'Cause I- - Phil, I coached
football.
Jay, I actually coached basketball.
I think I can get these guys-
Relax. You've already got the assistant
job.
Now you think you can round us up some
waters?
- Yeah. - Go ahead.
Gentlemen, this is what I need.
I want you to hit 'em, and I want you to
hit 'em hard.
Father-in-laws are tough,
because you can't let 'em push you
around...
and you also have to show them respect.
It's like walking a tightrope.
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-【139】-
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Which, by the way, I can do, because I went
to trapeze school.
Did Jay? I doubt it.
All right, when you back into-
Honey, I'm gonna take off.
- I'm gonna buy Alex some clothes. -
Okeydoke.
How come you're not coaching?
'Cause your dad coached football.
I'm sorry.
And I am going to make it up to you tonight.
- And I'll be thinking of your dad while
you do. - Mmm.
Disturbing.
- Hey, Phil. - Hey.
How's it going?
Ay. Great. Your dad coached football.
Ah. A fellow victim.
Thank you again for taking care of Lily.
I know it's last-minute.
Ay. Don't be silly.
We'll probably just stick around for a few
minutes.
You know how fussy she gets when we pass
her off, so-
- Oh. She seems fine. - Yeah.
Ay. I think she's getting used to
being away from you now that you have the
new job.
Mwah! So proud of you.
- We need to talk. - Okay. What happened?
Mom, I love you,
but your words of encouragement
encourage the other kids to make fun of me.
Ay. Okay.
I won't say anything else on the next game.
Promise.
We both know that your Latin blood makes
that impossible.
I think it would be better if you didn't
come to the next game.
I know.
- I hate our house. - I know.
What's- What's this thing?
I don't know, but it's fancy.
Stop- Stop playing with it. Come on.

Just- Don't break it.
- Hey, Mitchell! - Yes.
- Charlie Bingham. - Nice to meet you.
- Hi. - This is my partner, Cameron Tucker.
- Pleasure. - Cameron.
So, we just went ahead and
parked on that round thingy in the
driveway.
- Is that- That's fine, right? - No problem.
It's a turntable, so you don't have to back
out.
You have a car turntable and you're wearing
rubber.
You're like Batman.
I really am.
Come on in.
Turn the music down!
Pardon the get-up.
Killer waves today. You guys surf?
Um, only for bargains on the Web.
Everybody say hi.
- Hi. - Hello.
-Hi. - That's Jolie.
She's head of my Europe division.
She cheats at poker. You do.
And that's my girlfriend, Jenny.
She makes a hell of a margarita. Want one?
- Absolutely. - Oh, not right- Okay.
Everybody, Mitchell Pritchett and his
partner, Cameron.
Business partners. Mergers and
acquisitions.
- I'm kidding. We're gay. - Stop talking.
When things are relaxed, I'm great in
social situations.
I would have fit in at the Algonquin Round
Table.,
But when the stakes are high, I get a little
tense.
I'd be the guy that would knock over the
round table.
Then Dorothy Parker would make a quip,
James Thurber would laugh,
and then I would end up leaving, crying.
- How long you been on the lam? - What?
Honey, you are looking around like the feds
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【140】-
Modern.Family.S01E20
are after you.
No, I'm not. Let's just get this over with.
Oh. All right.
Oh, no. It's them.
Oh! Oh, you know those girls from school.
- Hey! - Let's go! Over here.
- What- What is your problem? - Nothing.
I'll meet you at the car in an hour.
Please, Mom. Please.
- Hi, Jenna. - Hi.
And just like that- my baby girl became a
teenager.
She entered that dreaded phase
where my very existence embarrasses her.
I-I think I can help.
You're not your mom.
Wow. That's your mom.
Oh, I just got chills.
So, first off, I'm a fan.
- Saw you in court once. - Seriously?
Yeah. Mayhew versus Propyltech.
- You are a good lawyer. - I don't know.
If you'd handled my divorce,
this house would be twice as big.
Oh, he's better than good. Try winning an
argument with him.
- Last night I wanted to have Indian food-
- And we're talking again.
Top of your class at Cornell and Columbia
Law.
Had your pick of jobs,
but instead chose to work in environmental
law- until last month.
Well- And he used to be a really great
figure skater.
- Why'd you quit? - His sister lost
interest,
- and then there was- - He means my job.
Could tell me about figure skating too.
Um, well, it was- She did lose interest.
- That's enough. - Okay.
Ay, que linda. Ay, que linda.
Oh, my gosh. I didn't know you guys were
gonna be here.
Hola, Claire.
Hi, Lily.
 Modern.Family.S01E20
I had enough basketball for one day. I think you got all of it.
Oh, I know. Come here, sweetie. Think you got it.
Oh, sweet thing. You love me and you want Yeah. I'm just gonna freshen this up.
me to buy you a dress. - Let me ask you a question. - Yeah.
Ay. But I'm gonna buy her some shoes first. How do you like the beard?
Mmm. I'm thinking of growing one. Jenny's
What's that, Lily? Do you want me to buy against it.
you a dress? Oh. Well, I-I've been very happy with mine.
She said "Yes." That's it. I'm doin' it.
"Yes"? Look, I've made a fortune. I want to use
She did not say "Yes." it for some good.
Okay, "Win" On three. I need a lawyer to help me navigate.
One, two, three- Win! I like you. You get me. So, in or out?
Don't forget the pick and roll. I just-
- These guys won't know how to defend it. - I'm very sorry. - It's okay.
- Phil, Um, that's a very big question.
- try not to confuse my boys, okay? - Okay. You know, I'm obviously gonna have to
- I sleep with your daughter. - What? go talk to my- bull in a china shop.
Good luck! - I'll be right back. - Sure.
All right. Let's go! Let's go! Come on. Talk it over. It's a major life decision.
Let's go! Hey, Jenny! The beard is on!
Let's get out there. Hustle up. Get the tip, Okay, Lily, it's time to buy you beautiful
get the tip. shoes.
Watch, skip and go. Oh, no, no, no. I saw another really cute
Oh! All right. Keep the hustle, keep the dress for her.
hustle. Ay. But she has already six new dresses.
Come on, boys. Don't let 'em push you What she needs is strappy shoes.
around. There's Alex. I'll-I'll see you later.
Oh! All right, little defense! Alex, honey. Hi.
Play defense! Mom, I said I'd meet you at the car.
I did a little scouting, Here.
and the other team only has two shooters. Thank you.
If we isolate both of them- Still wish you had a daughter?
Good, Phil, good. Thank you. Good. - Manny didn't want me at the game today.
Manny, pay attention! What are you looking - Oh, I'm sorry.
at? - It's okay. - No, it's not okay. It sucks.
What? I miss babies. They never tell you to go
And that was in 2004. away.
So, tell me this. Yeah. Or wait in the car.
What are the regulatory challenges of a I don't know about you,
solar farm? but I'm not gonna stand here and feel sorry
Uh, well, you know, it could be anything- for myself.
uh, agricultural- You know what we should do?
Military, protected species, Get pregnant.
ironically, even some, uh, environmental I was gonna say go for ice cream.
groups. Okay. We'll do yours first. Great.

第 5 页 共 7 页

-【141】-

Luke! Luke!
It's hard to guard a player if there's no
player near you!
We good in the hood?
This is a uniquely frustrating group of
boys.
I hear you. Um, one thing that might help-
instead of a zone,
if you switch to a simple man-to-man.
- I got this. - Really?
'Cause according to the scoreboard,
the only thing you got is four points.
Good luck.
- I need to talk to you. - I need to talk
to you.
Nice top.
Come here. You- You-
Cam- Cam, you have got to relax.
I told you I wouldn't take a job without-
- Take the job. - What?
I want you to take the job.
I thought you liked having me home with Lily.
I-
I don't. I mean, I do. I just-
I miss my time with Lily,
and I know it's selfish of me, but-
- No, I want the job. - You do?
Oh, my God, yes.
I- I love Lily, but I hate baby talk.
I love baby talk.
- Let's go get this job. - Let's get this
job.
- Okay. - Oh, no.
It's locked.
Well, just
Hello? Hey, guys?
Oh, my gosh.
They're not gonna hear us. We're trapped
out here.
Just stop being so dramatic.
We'll just go through the garage, with the-
That's why he wants to hire you. You're good
in crisis.
Ooh, yeesh. What-
- It's not opening. - Push it again.
- I'm hearing things, but it's not- - Push
Modern.Family.S01E20
it harder.
That's not- Is it this one?
I hear something. What is that?
No. Stop touching- Stop-
This- Oh, that was it. All right.
- Mitchell! Oh, my God. Did- - No!
- Oh, my God! - No, Cam!
Cam, we- Did we do that?
What are we gonna say?
I will take the job.
- Kinda think you have to now. - Yeah.
Guys, you're on the same team!
Time out!
- Time out! - Get over here!
Guys, earlier we practiced a few set plays.
Did any of them involve wrestling the ball
from your own teammate?
- But you said to be aggressive. - Yeah!
Not on your own team! Wait here.
You gotta coach. I can't take it.
- You talkin' to me? - Yeah, I'm talkin'
to you.
You gotta take over. I'm about to lose it
out there.
That sounds tough, Coach.
- What's your problem? - Hey, Coach!
Ticktock.
I was dealing with the coach. You pushed
me aside.
I was dealing with the boys. You pushed me
aside.
Believe it or not, Jay,
there are some things that I am better at
than you are.
- Bam! It's out there. - Oh, for God's sake.
- Coach! - He's calling you.
Listen. I don't blame you for being angry.
All right?
I'm used to taking charge. That's all.
I should have let you coach from the get-go.
And?
- I love you. - No. The barbecue.
Oh, for God's sake.
I'm sure your steaks would have been
delicious... and not chewy.
- Okay. I'll do it. - Thanks.

第 6 页 共 7 页

-【142】-

And so the student becomes the master.
- The once mighty- - You know what? Forget
it.
No, no, no, no. I'm good. I'm good.
Hey, hey. Guys. Who wants to go out like
a champ?
- Yeah! - Me!
I love it! Okay, Jordy, you inbound to Luke.
Manny, you set a pick on Luke's man
and roll to the bucket.
- Luke, you know what to do. - No, I don't.
- Bounce-pass to Manny. - But, Dad-
Coach, Manny hasn't taken a single shot all
season.
Then chances are he'll be open.
Okay, guys. Let's bring it out.
Hey, hey. Bring it in.
Let's show these guys what kind of team
they're about to beat.
Huh? "Li'I Dribblers" On three.
One, two, three- Li'I Dribblers!
Okay, red ball. Side out. Here we go.
What's my coaching philosophy?
- Give a kid a bird- - Yes!
And he becomes one of those weird dudes
who walks around with a bird on his
shoulder.
But give him a pair of wings,
he can fly.
Unless he has absolutely no hand-eye
coordination.
Okay, I support you.
Mom.
That was 20 minutes.
Mom, I am so, so sorry.
I know it's no excuse,
but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at
school.
You know, with friends.
And I love you so much,
and I appreciate everything you do for me.
I'm still your little girl.
Oh, honey! That was so sweet.
Can I get $20? A bunch of us are going to
a movie,
and we're gonna get something to eat
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afterwards.
Jenna's brother's gonna take us home.
Okay. Of course. Sweetie, you know what?
Take 40.
- Oh, my gosh. - Yeah. That's right.
- Thanks, Mom. - Go on. Have a great time.
Oh, Alex, honey? When you're out shopping,
you might wanna pick yourself up a training
bra.
I know you don't need one now,
but your little boobies are gonna come in
soon.
Mommy loves you, kitten!
Mwah! Mwah!
Teach her to screw with me.
I set a pick and then rolled towards the
basket.
Luke passed to me. I shot the ball and
almost made it.
I bought Lily the cutest little dress
today.
And then I stole the ball from the other
team,
did a 360 and almost dunked it.
That's nice.
Ay. I just had the best day today with Lily.
That girl's so sweet.
I have a game next Saturday. You could come.
No, it's okay. I wouldn't want to embarrass
you.
I'll probably take Lily out for cupcakes.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Any suggestions?
I usually go with earrings.

Modern.Family.S01E21
Honeydew! What's up?
Guess who's here.
Your dad!
He drove his R.V. all the way up from Cocoa
Beach.
Hey, Son, working hard?
He's gonna say "Hardly working."
I meant to tell you he was driving out.
- Did he say it? - Oh, yeah.
Good kid.
He wasn't supposed to show up for a few more
days.
Well, guess what he brought us.
A dog... to keep.
Yes! Yes.
Yes, I should have told Claire about the
dog,
and I was going to.
But I was just waiting for her to be in the
right mood.
Actually, I did get one right mood a couple
nights ago,
but I cashed that in for something else.
- Am I in trouble? - Oh, really, really big.
Okay, I'm a little scared. How bad is this?
Oh, well we have a new rule- no sleeping
in the bedroom.
Mr. Pritchett. Uh, Ben- Ben Dugan.
I went to high school with Mitch.
We were in the drama club together.
- That's right. - Yeah.
Geez, I didn't recognize you
without that old-guy makeup on.
You know, you and Mitch knocked The
Sunshine Boys out of the park.
Mitch was really great in that.
I always thought he should be an actor.
Yeah, he's got a real job now.
He's a lawyer. How about you?
- Still acting. - Fantastic.
Actually, it's exciting. I'm in a new
movie,
Maple Drive. Just came out.
You're kidding me. Look at me. I know
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somebody famous.
Uh, anyway, I got to go.
- Great to see you. - Good to see you too.
Kid's a movie star.
- Hey, how'd it go in there? - No cavities.
And I got a free toothbrush.
Hey, you want to go to the movies?
I just heard about a good one.
But I'm supposed to be in school.
Well, you're supposed to floss too,
but you got away with that one.
Come on. Let's go.
One of the greatest days of my life...
was when my old man sprung me from school
and took me to the track.
I wanted to do the same type of thing for
Manny,
plus I figured when Gloria heard about it,
maybe it pays off in the bedroom.
I wonder if that's why my old man did it.
Oh, crap.
Your mother-in-law just had to have the
dog.
Turns out she's allergic.
And the pet store didn't have a grace period
or a return policy or anything?
I got him from the pound.
Was there a twister in Kansas?
'Cause there's a house in my driveway.
Welcome home, Mr. Dunphy.
Uh, always a pleasure, Mr. Dunphy.
Indeed it is, Mr. Dunphy. Place it there.
- Oh, I shall. I shall. - I miss this. Get
in here.
My dad is awesome.
He's awesome. He's always up. He's always
happy.
I mean, he and I are best buds.
We're like two peas in a pod.
Or Siamese twins. Or a snake with two heads.
- They've actually been all those things
for Halloween. - Yeah.
Oy. This must be Scout, huh?
I should warn you. He sheds.
I made the mistake of letting him sleep with
me on the road.

Now my sheets look like two bigfoots did
it.
Pardon the language.
- How's Mom? - Speaking of big feet, eh?
She's on a cruise with her girlfriends,
some of which are not totally unattractive.
Oh, that reminds me. She sent some gifts
for the kids.
Um, I will be right back.
- You three get better acquainted. - Will
do!
- Bye! - Will do!
I cannot believe you got a dog without
consulting me.
This was a major family decision.
- It was wrong. - Yeah.
And I'm sorry.
But we have talked about getting a dog for
years,
and you're the only one who wasn't into it.
Because I knew that I would be the one
taking care of it.
That's not true.
No, we will all help.
This is a great chance to teach the kids
responsibility.
That is exactly what you said about Luke's
paper route.
Hello?
Is anyone in there?
Red's a good color on you.
It's just a movie.
- Oh, he's so cute. - Look at his little
face.
I always wanted a dog. Thanks, Grandpa.
Okay, but remember, having a dog is a major
responsibility.
Everyone in the family has to pitch in.
- Can do, Mrs. D. - Not you, Dylan.
Oh, phew. 'Cause I got a lot on my plate
right now.
Hey, look who's here. Uncle Cam.
Hey, we heard about the new addition
and we had to come right over.
Cameron, so good to see you again.
Now that is a shirt.
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Oh, well, thank you, Frank. I get 'em
online.
I'll send you a link.
Oh, well, at home, I smoke sausages.
I'll send you a link.
Classic.
- And this must be Lily. - Oh, yes.
She just couldn't wait to meet the new
doggy.
I think she's good right here.
Let me get in there and get some of that
doggyness.
- Oh, there it is. - Haley.
- There it is. - I gotta go.
- What's wrong? - That was Brian. He just
quit the band.
What? Why?
He's moving to Portland.
His parents got back together.
- Oh, that sucks. - I know.
Now we're gonna have to cancel the gig
tomorrow.
Maybe you can find another drummer.
No. I think it's too late for that now.
I play drums.
Well, I mean, I haven't played in a while,
since Lily's come along,
but if you're in a jam, I can jam.
Well, I totally would, but I'm not sure
we like the same sorts of music, you know?
What, because I'm gay,
I'm just gonna want to play show tunes?
No, because you're old.
Wow. That hurt more, Dylan.
Give him a chance. It's better than
canceling.
You're right. I don't want to lose
the deposit on that fog machine.
Okay. Let's do it.
I used to be a music teacher,
but I gave that up as soon as Lily came
along.
Yes. Well, we just felt that it was really
important...
that one of us stayed hometo raise her, so-
Yeah, and that's not a judgmenton other

people's choices.
It's just that we happen to be a very
traditional family.
Yes, that's what the disabled lesbian
shaman
who blessed Lily's room said too.
How you doin', buddy?
All right, relax.
Oh, geez.
I am telling you, Phil, the man was crying.
That is impossible.
My dad is the happiest guy on earth.
It probably just sounded like he was
crying.
Have you heard the noise he makes when he
gets out of a chair?
No. I know what I heard.
I think this has something to do with your
mom.
- What? - Yeah, he came here alone. Think
about it.
She's on a cruise.
Yeah, and they never take separate
vacations, so-
No. No, if something was wrong,
my dad would tell me about it.
No, Phil, he wouldn't,
because you guys never actually talk about
anything.
We talk all the time.
He crank calls me at work, like, three times
a week.
- Crank calls don't count. - Counts for fun.
No, honestly, I think that you should
find out what's going on with your dad.
It's going to be nothing.
My dad isn't like your dad.
There's nothing deep and dark inside.
His hard candy shell is just hiding more
candy.
I think he wants to go out. Good boy.
- Smart dog. - I hate to break it to you,
but I think all dogs can do that.
I'm gonna play outside.
What happened?
Okay.
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Should I just play a little something?
Yeah. But, you know, if it doesn't work out,
don't feel bad.
Well, hopefully this is- this is like
riding a bicycle,
and it'll all come back to me.
That's the loud one.
So... here we go.
Oh, silly me.
I had the sticks in the wrong hands.
Dude, you should label those sticks.
Is that the alarm? Has our perimeter been
breached?
It's not the alarm. The doorbell won't stop
ringing.
- Maybe a demon is ringing it. - Not a demon.
Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
- We're pretty sure it's a demon. - Oh,
yeah?
There.
If it were a demon, it would keep on
ringing.
Not if he's already inside. I'm getting a
weapon.
What were you thinking?
Who takes a little boy to a horror movie?
That's loco, Jay.
This is no big deal. You want scary?
When I was his age,
I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis.
I slept with a butter knife under my
pillow...
in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Why would they send a Soviet colonel to get
a little boy?
Because I could identify every commie
plane.
What are we talking about?
Look, all I'm saying, being scared is part
of growing up.
Manny will get over this. It builds
character.
I'll take the first watch.
You two might as well get some rest.
It's gonna be a long night.
Character.

Dad?
Come on in! It's open!
Don't tell me. You need a cup of sugar.
Nah. Just, uh-
I was just wondering, I don't know, uh-
Anything on the old noodle?
Other than a bad toupee?
I'm kidding, of course. This is my real
hair.
- Well, okay. - Wait a minute.
I want to ask you something.
Am I putting you in a bad position with this
whole dog thing?
Claire seemed a little put out.
Oh, don't worry about it. Claire didn't
like me at first either.
I can't blame her. Dismissed!
Oh, Dad, um, you know what? I, uh-
Claire saw something,
and she'd kill me if I- if I didn't ask.
What is it?
Would you wear pants to breakfast, for
crying out loud?
- You got me again. Right in the funny bone.
- All right.
Come on, Scout. Let go of it.
No, no, no!
Dog. Look at this.
How did he get ahold of your bra?
Well, uh, we were out on a date,
and he has a really nice car, so-
How do you think? He got it out of the
laundry basket.
Can't take my eyes off that dog for a
second.
Why don't you just keep him in the crate?
I tried that. He figured out how to get out.
I thought you were dealing with your dad.
Oh, yeah, I did. He's fine, so-
You got that from a two-minute
conversation?
I... asked him point-blank if he was okay.
He said he was. So I just-
Just swapped some jokes and moved on.
Phil, the man needs more of a push than
that.
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Look, if he wants to talk to me about it,
he will.
Geez, someone's panties are in a bunch.,
- I thought I was showing concern and- -
No. Right there.
Oh, my God! That damn dog!
Guys, little help?
I have to go to the bathroom, and I'm not
gonna do it in here.
- Hey, I got Chinese. - Sweet! I'm starving.
Oh, we have guests.
Yeah. We're just having a little jam
session.
You know Dylan. This is Craig. This is Neil.
I'll always remember him as the stranger
holding my baby.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a
second?
Yeah. Hey, guys, let's, uh- let's just take
five.
What's up with 21 Jump Street?
Oh, well, their drummer quit
and I'm gonna fill in for him tomorrow
night.
No, no. We have Pepper's
apres-ski fondue party tomorrow night,
Cam.
Oh, no.
So you'll just have to tell your band
that they're gonna have to find someone
else.
You know what? No. I'm not gonna let these
fellas down.
I made a commitment.
You made two commitments, okay?
And you know how Pepper is.
Everything has to be perfect.
He gets mad if you don't wear a big sweater.
Yeah, I remember. I got so hot last year,
I almost went face down in the gruyere.
So I'm going by myself, is that what you're
saying?
I just feel like I kind of need this.
To round out your college applications?
It's just that because I'm always home with
Lily...

I just feel like I'm going a little bit
stir-crazy.
Look at the den.
Every time I finish painting it, I start
all over again.
It's like the Golden Gate Bridge.,
I'm gonna go back to jamming.
Yeah, we gotta fix this.
Hey, what's with the big sweater at a
concert?
Is that a gay thing?
No, Dad. It's for my friend Pepper's
apres-ski fondue-
Yeah. Yeah, it's a gay thing.
Hope they start soon.
I don't think Scout likes to be left alone.
You love the dog.
No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch.
And the dog was looking at it like it was
a giant sausage.
Good news, you two. You're getting your
driveway back.
- I'm hitting the open road in the morning.
- Oh, already?
- Yeah. - Anxious to get home and see Mom,
huh?
No, I'm just gonna drive wherever the wind
blows me,
which is usually into the next lane.
Can we get some sodas, Grandpa?
Okay, but just one. I'm driving. Come on.
He's not going home? He's never been away
from my mom
for longer than a doctor's appointment.
Honey, I know. I told you.
I always felt bad for people
with emotionally distant fathers.
It turns out I'm one of 'em.
It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.
Thanks, everybody, for coming out.
These are some songs we wrote.
One, two. One, two, three.
* Baby, don't leave me I just want you to
know *
* I want you to know *
* There's something inside me that I cannot
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control *
* I cannot control *
- Our boyfriends totally rock! - I know,
right?
* I heard you screamin' my name I'm goin'
insane *
Well, the plan was...
to watch him for 10 minutes
and then run out to Pepper's party.
* Coursing through my veins *
But he was so great up there.
How-How could I leave?
* But don't be afraid *
* I'll be your vampire *
It was his moment.
I know!
And his moment went on for a really, really
long time.
Turns out I could have run to the party
and made it back for the end of his moment.
Manny, go brush your teeth and get ready
for bed, okay?
- Your bed. - Can I watch TV?
- Mmm, only 10 minutes. - Okay.
Hey, Jay, it's Ben Dugan.
I got your message.
Uh, yes, I'm happy to help out. I'll swing
by tonight.
- What's that? - That's Ben.
That's the guy who was in the movie.
I figure when Manny sees him, sees how nice
he is,
he'll realize it's all pretend.
- You think that will work? - Guy's a
sweetheart.
Manny's gonna spend two minutes with him.
He'll explain how the movie's made.
He's even bringing his fake machete.
Thing's made of rubber.
Hey, are you Manny? I'm here for you.
Look what I got.
Mom, he's here!
Que paso? Que paso? Que paso?
We're gonna need a bigger bed!
Oh, geez.
Oh, my God! I think that's him.

- You stayed. - Yeah.
Well, you know, I'm-I'm with the band.
I thought the gig was a little sloppy in
spots,
but I think once I learn all the songs-
I thought- I thought this was a one-time
thing?
Are you kidding? We destroyed in there.
Did you hear that one lady screaming my
name?
That was Phil. He had a Red Bull.
Hey, guys. Good gig, huh?
- Yeah. Totally awesome, man. - Heck of a
gig.
Hey, guys.
Hey. I thought you were in Portland.
No. My parents broke up again.
I'm not moving. I can stay in the band.
Well, this is awkward.
Cam.
Oh, awkward for me.
Good luck following that, Ringo.
I believe this belongs to you.
I don't want to drag the house along with
me.
Come here, you little monkeys.
Bye, Grandpa. We'll miss you.
I wish I could take you with me.
- Drive safe, Grandpa. - Oh, I'll try.
You sure you don't want to stay for
breakfast?
No, I ought to be hitting the road.
Well, adios.
Dad, hold on.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Guys. Come on.
I don't think you're being honest with me.
I- I know something is going on with you.
What's up?
Something up? Well, my boxers are, uh,
riding a little high.
I'm not in the mood for jokes right now,
- although you nailed that. - Thanks.
- Great stuff. - Thanks.
- It's nothing. - Oh, it's nothing?
- Nothing to do with Mom? - No!
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Well, yeah. I've fallen in love.
Oh, my God.
- Who is she? - He!
What?
It's that little guy right over there.
Come on over here. Come on. Come on.
There you go. Ah, look at him.
Driving across country,
this little bastard nuzzled his way
right into my heart, didn't ya?
So this is just about you not wanting to
leave the dog?
Well, you should tell Mom.
Those three days on the road with him
were the happiest of my life.
You should leave that part out.
I don't want to keep Scout if it makes
Grandpa sad.
Yeah, I know, sweetie. But Grandma has
allergies,
so Scout has to stay with us.
Well, she could always just get some
allergy shots.
Honey, you don't want to put her through
that.
Hell, back in the day, I got a vasectomy
for her.
Dad. Dad. Please.
Scout's- Scout's your dog.
He should go with you.
Okay, you twisted my arm.
Thanks, Son. Thanks for poking through the
armor.
- You're poking through the armor down
there. - What?
Made you look.
You are a treasure.
Come on, Scout. Let's mosey.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh, wait.
- He loves that, yeah. - Oh, I bet he does.
No, Scout. This time I drive.
You still got it!
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think I might have actually gotten
even closer with my dad.
I can't believe he took my dog.
 Modern.Family.S01E21
- Bye-bye. - Bye, Grandpa! Love you!
Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Grandpa! I love you! - Luke, stay!
-Luke, stay! - Come back soon! I'll see you
later!
Luke, stay!
- Luke! - Stay!
Frank.
Hey, Jay. Good to see you.
Great to see you. Didn't expect to find you
here.
Well, listen, when my granddaughter's
boyfriend's band
plays an under-21 club with my
daughter-in-law's
brother's gay partner, I show up.
That's just how I was raised.
- I don't think you met my wife, Gloria.
- Hola.
Oh, it's a pleasure. You are a lovely woman.
- You must be Frank. - Okay, then,
you are hotter than a Las Vegas sidewalk
on the Fourth of July.
- Did I go too far? - Not you, Frank. No.

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Oh, I forgot to ask- Did it hurt?
What hurt?
When you fell from heaven and landed on
earth.
I didn't fall from- Ah.
Because I'm an angel.
Why are you so sweet?
Maybe just 'cause I'm so damn happy.
Today's Ja y's birthday,
so I'm taking him to Hawaii for a whole
week.
Big suite in Maui. Just the two of us.
Got Manny tied up in the backyard. Big bowl
of kibble.
I'm kidding. He's staying with Claire and
Phil.
This whole thing was a big surprise.
I did it all myself- the flight, the hotels.
Cost me a fortune, but it was worth it.
In case I forget to say it a few hundred
times this week,
thank you.
Happy birthday!
Wh- What the heck?
- Surprise, Dad. - The whole family's
coming with us!
- They are? - Uh-huh.
Yes, and Mitch and Cameron and Lily too.
Yeah, and Phil- he's just checking the bags.
Wow!
That's, uh- Wow.
It was all Gloria's idea.
She bought all of our tickets and
everything.
- Really? Everyone's? - Yeah.
It's your birthday. I didn't spare any
expense.
Oh, gee! Thank you, honey.
Are they, uh, all gonna be up with us in
first class?
Ay, no, silly. Coach. You think I'm made
of money?
Of course not.
We're gonna go to a luau,
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swim with the Miami Dolphins,
take a tour in one of those, the-
- Helicopter. Helicopter. - Mm-hmm. Yes!
I don't like activities.
I wanted to hang out with Gloria
and read my Robert Ludlum novels.
I got eight of 'em loaded up on my book
reader thing here.
I mean, I love my family.
I love 'em at dinners, I love 'em at
barbecues,
but do I have to love 'em in Hawaii?
Thanks, Daryl.
I know I got a lot of baggage,
but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist.
Just kidding. I'm fine.
Daryl, I know these guys.
Can I borrow your hat? This will be
hilarious.
- No. - Okay.
Aloha, Uncle Phil!
You guys excited about the trip?
Oh, we're so excited. You know, this is my
first time.
- Really? Yeah, I know it's surprising.
People always say I scream "Hawaii."
Who says that?
- People. - What people?
You don't know them.
- Hey, Lily! Hi. - Oh, no! Oh, n-
I forgot my wallet.
Oh, that's all right. I have cash.
No, no. I can't get on the plane without
my I.D.
- Thanks a lot, Cam. - How is this my fault?
Because if you had done what I asked you
to do this morning,
then I wouldn't have been overwhelmed
and I would have remembered my wallet.
All right. We still need to pack Lily's
toys,
print the boarding passes.
Oh, stop the newspaper.
Wait. What are you doing? I just packed
those.
She just looks so cute in this outfit.

I want her looking her best for Jasper.
Nothing you just said made any sense to me.
Jasper and his mother are coming over for
a playdate.
We scheduled it weeks ago.
- We're about to leave for the airport. -
Not for an hour.
And this is the only time Jasper could do
it.
How full is Jasper's calendar?
This is a coup. When you get in with Jasper,
doors open.
He's a legacy at Happy Time Preschool.
We're kissing up to a 10-month-old?
I just want him to like us.
Okay, that's them.
But just in and out.
We still have a million things to do.
Would you relax? You always worry. It
always gets done.
Oh, and we're Methodists, so-,
Uh, who am I kidding? I'm not making this
flight.
Uh-uh. I can get you home
and back before the plane takes off. Let's
go.
Daryl- See if you can stall the plane.
That's- I will get to you later.
I really- I really don't think there's
enough time.
Go. I'll meet you at the gate. Go.
- But you won't get on the plane without
me, right? - Oh. Well-
Seriously? You were gonna get on the plane?
Cam!
Just go!
Nope. Gotta get that one.
Okay. I can't-
- Oh! That's as fast as she goes. - Just
drive.
- Just drive. - I'll get the luggage!
Hey, check out that cute guy.
He's out of your league. He's reading a
book.
I know.
- Here today, gone to Maui! - Hey. You seen
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Phil?
- Oh, he drove Mitchell back to get his
wallet. - What?
Yeah. He said he's gonna make it back in
time,
but I think it's gonna be close.
So he left me here.
Haley is still asleep, and I have no idea
where Luke is.
And are you even ready?
My bag's in the living room. Everything's
gonna be okay.
Okay. Fine. I'm sorry. I'm a little tense.
Coffee'll help that.
You're right.
We've been over this. Air travel is
incredibly safe.
I know. I know. But at the end of the day,
it is still a building on its side
being thrown from one place to another.
- With a movie. - Not helping.
You wanna take something, maybe calm your
nerves?
No. No. I wanna be alert if the kids need
me.
What a mom. Sometimes I wish you were my
mom.
Oh, God, Phil. I'm already feeling a little
queasy.
I hate this feeling. I hate it.
And it's just gonna get worse and worse
until the flight.
It's gonna be fine.
Uncle Phil's here.
Great job, buddy! First one ready.
Haley and Alex, let's go!
Bless you.,
- Coming. - All right. Come on, girls.
Okay. This is why we practice.
- Come on through. Come through. - Fifteen
seconds.
- Are we ready? - I think so.
It's go time.
Straight to the car. Slow is smooth, and
smooth is fast.
Go, go, go, go, go. Slow is smooth, and

smooth is fast.
- Very nice! -Alright. Let's go. Let's go.
- I think we got an extra couple of seconds.
- No,
- we don't. - Dad, come on!
I will never get tired of this.
Me neither.
You know what would be cool, Mum?
What's that?
If the plane flew into a storm
and crash-landed onto an island like in
Lost.
Something wrong there, Cam?
Well, I'm just breaking in a new pair of
hiking shoes.
This always happens. All the men in my
family have wide ankles.
I have an uncle that can only wear bell
bottoms. Hand to God.
I wasn't doubtin' ya.
Just why are you wearing the hiking shoes?
- Surprise! - What, again?
Every morning the whole family's gonna go
hiking.
Then at the end of the week,
we all gonna make it to the top of the
volcano.
Every morning, huh?
Yes. When Cam suggested it,
I knew you were gonna love it.
- Oh, so this was your idea? - Happy
birthday, Jay.
Ah, thanks, buddy. Ow.
Hi, sweetheart!
- I'm going hiking! - She's smiling!
Thank you.
Look, Mom, I'm pregnant.
Yeah. You still gotta take your Dramamine.
Oh, does somebody get a little motion
sickness?
Yeah, I throw up all the time.
Oh, well, then Dramamine's the way to go.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, I'm just trying to keep her awake
so she'll sleep on the plane.
Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight.
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It's-It's very stressful.
Uh, last year I flew back from New York...
next to a baby who was very upset the entire
flight,
and it was hell.
I was on that flight with you, and I don't
recall-
Oh, I get it. You're talking about me.
That's very funny.
Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy
Elliot.
All he wanted to do was dance, and that's
my story.
Five hours of this.
I just want to dance at the ballet!
Dramamine. Oh, I wish I had that the last
time I flew.
Tell you, the plane was rocking up and down,
back and forth.
I thought the wings were gonna snap off,
honestly.
you do it yourself. Use your teeth.
I-Is this the best way to go? What about
the freeway?
Relax, punkin. I got this.
It's all about knowing the route.
You're talking to a guy who made his way
through college by driving a pedicab.
- You know what one of those is? - Yes. Yes.
I just saw one pass us.
- Quick- Who sang "Evil Woman"? - What?
ELO!
Phil, where the hell are you?
Uh, let's see. Oh, shoot! I just missed my
turn.
You're supposed to be here with me.
I told you, I get more and more freaked out
as we get closer to the flight.
Well, I know, but Mitch- Okay, you know
what?
I was counting on you to be here, so thanks
a lot.
She's pretty tightly wound.
Some people are just built that way.
Honestly, could you drive any slower?
Guess where the world's largest wind

generator is.
Is it right behind me?
Nope. It's on the island of Oahu.
I'm thinking about using it in my song about
Hawaii.
What song?
- Didn't Mom tell you? - Surprise!
The whole family's putting on a show for
you for your birthday.
Everybody's performing. Even Phil brought
his dummy.
Isn't that great?
- Jay? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just thinking how tragic it would be
if I fell into that volcano.
Ay, papi, don't say that.
Not yet, sweetie. Not yet.
See? He's perfect.
Look at him getting coffee and not putting
chocolate in it.
He's so mature.
What about Dylan?
Dylan's no that guy.
Haley! Come on!
We're leaving in two minutes! Get up!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, no. Is it tomorrow?
Dylan! What are you doing here?
I was gonna go, but then you fell asleep,
and since you're leaving for a week,
I want to stare at you as long as I could.
You have to go. My parents are gonna think
we did it.
As if.
Get out of the house and make sure that
nobody sees you.
I'II miss you.
When you're gone, it's like I'm
this prisoner trapped in a cell of
loneliness.
That's beautiful, but you have to go.
Okay.
I hate this feeling. I hate it.
And it's just gonna get worse and worse
until the flight. - Hey!
It's gonna be fine.
Uncle Phil's here.
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- Great job, buddy! First one ready. -
Thanks.
Haley and Alex, let's go! Coming.
Bless you.,
- Coming. - All right. Come on, girls.
Okay.
- This is why we practice. - Come on through.
Come through.
- Fifteen seconds. Are we ready? - Yes.
It's go time.
Straight to the car. Slow is smooth, and
smooth is fast.
Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.
Straight through.
- Very nice! - All right. Let's go. Let's
go.
- I think we got an extra couple of seconds.
- No,
- we don't. - Dad, come on!
- Oh, no! - What?
My keys!
Stay awake, sweetie. Stay awake.
Whee! Oh, no.
This is where your Realtor training comes
in handy.
Looks like a standard Porter and Sons
D-Model top lock.
One quick swipe oughta pop it.
All aboard.
- Okay. - There we go.
Nice and easy.
- Yeah, you're pinching. You're pinching.
- I'm sorry.
If you show enough houses, you learn all
the tricks.
Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer.
The average burglar breaks in
and leaves clues everywhere,
but not me.
I'm completely clueless.
You're sure I'm not too heavy?
Please, you weigh less than my paintball
gear.
- Okay. Yup. - There we go. We are in.
Off-load. On we go. Squeezing.
- I'm going for a ride. - You all right?

Yup. I'm good. I'm good.
What are you doing?
Just making it a little tougher on the next
guy.
You got to get up pretty early- Son of a-
- Are you all right? - Yes, I am.
Just, uh, almost killed myself on your fire
truck.
That's not ours. That's Jasper's.
You know Jasper?
I sold a house to his parents.
How did you ever get a playdate with him?
Let's go! Please, can- yeah. Okay.
Look at him. He's sketching.
He's like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.
I bet he goes to art school.
Do you think he's sketching us?
Yeah. "Us."
Check-in for the 5:30 flight to Boston may
board at this time.
And contact.
It's Dylan.
"I'm trapped." Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a
drama queen.
We will go whale washing,
explore the tropical forest,
get back into the nature.
That sounds fun. Mm-hmm.
- Thanks. - Thank you.
Your attention, please.
Will Manny Delgado please report to Gate
22-A?
Manny Delgado to Gate 22-A.
Check it out, Grandpa. The Dramamine's
working.
I'm not dizzy.
Yeah. Oh, watch the drink, kid.
Ooh! Ooh, my Ludlums!
- I'm sorry, Grandpa. - All right. Relax,
relax.
We might be okay here.
It's not fair. It's not fair.
Excuse me, ma'am. Is this Manny Delgado?
- Yes. - Your son's name is on a no-fly list.
Ay, please, we've been through this at the
check-in.
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He's not the same Manny Delgado.
I'm just a boy trying to bring style back
to travel.
- We just have a few questions to ask. -
No, this is a mistake.
- Where is my husband? Wait. Jay! - Step
this way, ma'am.
Ma'am, step this way, please.
- Son, step this way. - Jay! No pushing.
Jay!
You make it a double? I'm traveling with
my family.
No problem.
Must be a lot easier just living with a guy.
Yeah, life would be simpler if I was gay.
Do you think you could get in the fast lane?
- Oh, I could totally get in the fast lane.
- I mean the road.
Oh, I'm getting a text. What does it say?
Um- Oh, G- Well, it's nothing. It's the
alarm company.
- It says your house was broken into. -
What?
It's nothing. They'll take care of it. Just
drive!
What happened?
Okay, fun airport game.
You pick out a traveler, you come up with
their entire story.
Okay. This guy, his name's Henry.
He's on his way to Phoenix to visit his
grandmother,
whose name is, uh-
Oh! Pass.
- Too hard. Your turn. - Okay. Fine.
I see a woman, uh, wracked with fear,
whose husband has abandoned her.
- Where? Where? Who is she? - Me.
I made it perfectly clear to Phil that I
needed him here.
Oh. It's going around. Mitchell's mad at
me too.
He thinks because I didn't help him pack
this morning,
he forgot his wallet.
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be snippy.

It's just... I'm a little upset with Cam.
I needed his help this morning, and he let
me down.
That doesn't sound like him.
You asked him to do something and he didn't
do it?
But he never asked! I mean, all he said was,
"Lily's bag needs to be packed
and the newspaper needs to be canceled."
That sounds to me like he was asking for
help.
Sounds to me like you expected him to read
your mind.
- What am I, a psychic? - No! It's not about
reading minds.
It's about knowing what your partner needs.
Here's an idea: Just say "Help me."
You don't even have to say "Me," Just
"Help."
Then he'll know exactly what you want.
You won't have to get all mad.
I'm not mad. It's just-
You wanna believe you're on the same
wavelength as someone,
and then it's just-
it's a little disheartening when you find
out you're not.
That's all.
What's frustrating is I would do anything
for Mitchell,
and-and frankly, it's a little hurtful that
he doesn't know that.
So, airports, huh?
Yeah.
Are you drawing something there?
Yeah. It's no good.
Tortured artist. Classic.
Oh, yeah.
- It's a robot. - Oh, yeah. Sure is.
- What's behind him? - A dinosaur.
It's for school. We're supposed to make a
comic strip.
We had to do that too, back in the eighth-
He was 14 years old.
Shut up.
"He's my soul mate."
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I d-
This is the final boarding announcement
for-
What you drinking?
Dad. Hey.
Mostly tonic actually, thanks to my new
sponsor here.
I'm a little jittery about flying.
What are you talking about? You fly all the
time.
Yeah, I know. This started just in the last
couple years.
I think I'm just- I'm nervous
'cause I've got so much to lose now, you
know?
What about you?
I'm taking a break from my vacation.
We haven't even started yet.
Well, I gotta figure, I might not have a
lot of time for myself,
you know, what with the luaus, the hiking,
the talent shows.
Are you not happy that we're coming with
you?
It's just not what I expected.
But, Dad, doesn't it feel good to know...
that your whole family is willing to drop
everything to be with you,
to fly across the ocean in a steel coffin?
I'm gonna finish that.
It's not you guys. I love the family.
It just kinda feels like Gloria's going out
of her way...
not to spend time with me.
You don't believe that, do you?
Oh, come on, Dad!
That is so crazy and so adorable.
That woman loves you.
Well, I didn't say I wasn't lovable.
It's not every wife that would spend the
money
to fly a family to Hawaii.
Okay. Where does everybody think Gloria's
money comes from?
So, what kind of business did you have in
Japan?
 Modern.Family.S01E22
I've never been to Japan. Mm-hmm. I wanted to spend some time alone
You didn't go to Osaka with my husband-
November 2003 to attend an electronics drink cocktails by the pool, sleep in.
trade show? I could not love you any more than I do right
I was four. now.
Enough. Why don't you question the other I also found a topless beach.
people on the gate, huh? I was wrong.
Did you see the old lady with the cane? Mr. Jackson, have a great flight.
What if she has a ceramic knife It's to the left. Oh, gorgeous!
in there that can go through the metal - Oh, thank you. It's vintage. - Think he
detector? meant Lily.
And yet you waste your time harassing a You don't know that.
little kid. Hey, there's another hottie for you at
Ma'am, you seem to know an awful lot about 5:00.
sneaking contraband on to a plane. I think he's an artist.
Yeah, I'm Colombian. It's whale "Watching."
Have you ever been to Japan? - Whale washing. - Watching.
I would like to make a phone call. - Washing. - That's close enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, preboarding for our Have a good flight, sir.
flight to Maui... Quick, do your zombie impression.
will begin in the next few minutes. - She hasn't been drinking, has she? - Oh,
- Luke, please stop spinning. - Sorry. no, no, no.
Now make the airport stop spinning. She's- She's hilarious. Okay, let's do
We made it! Claire! bride of Frankenstein.
Oh, my God. Thank God you're here. It's so, so good.
Oh, honey!
- I am so sorry. - It was my fault.
- It wasn't your fault. - I should have
known what you wanted.
- Are you drunk? - Kinda.
And once I spent a week in Cancún,
which, by the way, did not live up to the
hype.
Can somebody tell me what the hell is going
on?
We're almost done here, sir.
- So you and your son are traveling together?
- Yes.
Then why are you departing Maui on
different dates?
Well, because he's traveling back home with
his family.
- What? - Surprise!
They're only staying for six days.
- The rest of the time it's only you and
me. - Really?

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Modern.Family.S01E23
- Aloha, Lily. - Aloha.
Oh, wait. Let's do it one more time.
- The doggy was blocking her face. - Yeah,
- Go back. - No. No! No.
We're not doing it a third time.
There she is- the prettiest white woman on
Maui. Milady.
Actually, Claire and I were supposed to
- go to Hawaii for our honeymoon. - Mm-hmm.
But something else came up.
- I got pregnant with Haley. - My bad!
We didn't even have a proper wedding.
We just went down to the courthouse on a
Tuesday.
The judge sentenced me to life with no
chance of parole.
You begged me to marry you.
It's true. I did.
Oh! Hold on, my bride. Allow me!
What are you doing?
Being romantic. God, you're solid.
Sweetie, put me down. Go on. Okay.
Honey, come on.
Let's turn this vacation into a honeymoon.
Sweet pea, I'm a mom traveling with my kids.
For me, this is not a vacation.
It's a business trip. Let's go.
This'll do.
- It's beautiful. - Aloha!
Hi! Welcome to the Four Seasons Maui.
What do you think, Manny?
I'm home.
I can't believe we have our own hotel room.
Score! There's an iron in here!
Don't you want to keep our room neat?
You know, in case we entertain.
Who would we entertain?
I noticed some lovely tweens down by the
kids' club.
Maybe we can find a nice spot near them by
the pool...
and send over a couple of virgin mai tais.
They may be interested in two sophisticated
men like us.
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I am a bathroom martian!
I am from the nebula of the Great Toilet.
I want the biggest cheeseburger you got.
Instead of salad, I want fries.
Instead of fruit, I want chili fries.
Haley, sweetie, put the phone down
and put on some sunscreen. Please?
We have got to stay on these kids all day,
- or else they're gonna burn. - Totally.
They put on the littlest bit of sunscreen
in the morning,
they think it's got them covered for the-
Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?
Is she moving in slow motion, or is my brain
doing that?
- Phil, this is important. - Go ahead. I'm
glistening.
Hey, everybody.
We're on our way to see the world's largest
banyan tree.
Does anybody want to come?
Now, why in the hell would anyone want to
leave paradise,
take a hot bus ride to see a tree?
The great thing about Cameron is that,
uh, he's adventurous, like I am.
We-We both like to immerse ourselves in the
culture
and really get to know the locals.
We've made friends all over the world.
We're still in touch with Elunga,
a man we met on safari in Tanzania.
We actually send him... all of our old
clothes.
He was a very nice man when we met him,
but based on his recent letters,
I have a small fear he's become a warlord.
Hey. I'm gonna go to the gym to work out
a little bit.
You want to come with me?
I just ordered an extra-long straw
to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.
Ah, look at this.
My brother.
What's up, jackass?
Happy birthday, you dumb son of a bitch.

Birthday's tomorrow, moron!
I never understood this relationship.
- So, 63, right? - Hey, you can count!
You know Dad was 63 when he died. Huh?
- Hello? - Thanks for reminding me.
Ah, don't worry. He never took care of
himself.
Ate like crap and drank too much.
Anyway, Irene's begging me for-
Hey, Gloria, wait up. I'm coming.
So, I was thinking we book a couples'
massage.
I accidentally looked in on one.
They seemed really relaxed until they
noticed me.
Haley, that's enough. Get off the phone.
Luke, pull up your trunks!
This bathing suit looks great on you.
Thanks, sweetie. Haley, come on. Off the
phone.
No way. Keira got her hair straightened?
Claire, consider this a grand gesture of
my love.
What are you-
Oh, my God!
- What did you do? - Phil, what are you
thinking?
That is an expensive cell phone.
It's just the beginning.
Buckle your seat belt, lady. You're being
wooed.
In nature, fathers are known to eat their
young.
Is it because they're delicious? No.
It's because they want to give their
female-
bear, giraffe, what have you-
the honeymoon they never had.
Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating
your kids,
but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
What?
- Come on, sleepy! - Ay, Jay!
Come on, honey! Get out of bed!
I just booked us on an outrigger.
But it is your birthday.
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You don't want to sleep in?
- Come here. - No, no,
I just came from the gym. Guess how much
I benched.
- I don't know. 500 pounds? - 500 pounds?
What am I, a forklift?
To tell you the truth,
that call from my brother scared the hell
out of me.
I decided to get in better shape quick.
Didn't want to end up like my old man.
Although he did die doing what he loved-
refusing service to hippies who came into
his store.
Manny is the worst roommate ever.
Everything he finds, he folds.
Sweetie, it's only for a few more days.
Last night we had a fire drill.
Not the hotel. Just us.
- Hi, guys. - Hey.
So, what's today's big adventure?
I'll bet the kids want to go with you.
Well, it is a big one- the lavender ranch,
- where they grow 45 different varieties
of lavender. - Forty-five.
Hear that, kids? Forty-five different
varieties.
Yeah, I can't sell that. Go with God.
Oh. Well, more lavender for us.
When Mitchell and I first met,
I may have exaggerated my interest in
adventurous travel...
by implying that I had any.
But it's one of the things he loves most
about me,
and I can't tell him the truth now.
It would be like Lewis telling Clark
that he didn't like to walk.
Side note.
We're very good friends with a couple named
Lewis and Clark.
Clark bought a big, sparkly belt in New
Orleans
that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.
Mom, Haley keeps stealing my iPod.
All my music is on my phone. What else am

I supposed to do?
Manny watches the news.
You guys don't even watch the news.
Aloha. Hi. Sorry, folks.
This pool is for adults only.
- Don't turn around. - What?
Trust me. Just keep walking.
Wait! Where are you guys going?
Guys?
What just happened?
Ooh, so we can drink lavender tea
while eating lavender scones.
Oh, neat! So, is this an all-day thing or-
Oh, no. I know what you're thinking, Cam.
Don't worry. We'll still have time for the
whaling village.
Oh. Good. So-
Okay.
- I can't. - What?
I don't want to go.
I know I said
I'm not a stay-by-the-pool type of guy,
but I really am, Mitchell.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that I like adventure,
but not every minute of every day.
Can you just go by yourself?
But... the lavender ranch-
It's- It's something two men are meant to
do together.
- On or off, folks? - Well, I'm on.
I'm off.
Think about what you're missing, Cam.
It's an entire ranch full of lavender.
You're not making the compelling case you
think you are!
Hey, you little monkey!
No standing around! There you go!
Here goes another one! There you go!
Here comes another one! There you go!
I thought you were one of ours!
Hey, Jay! Be careful!
You're gonna hurt somebody- like you!
Don't get too comfortable.
- I reserved us a tennis court. - Yay.
I thought that one of the advantages of
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Modern.Family.S01E23
marrying an older guy...
was that I was going to be able to relax.
But all this swimming and running and
rowing-
It's just like how some of my relatives got
into this country.
You know- Mmm.
You look prettier now than the day we got
married.
Oh, honey. And you are even more handsome.
I did push-ups in the bathroom.
You're funny.
- You're nice. -I have always been nice.
I've always been funny.
Well-
Mom! Dad!
Ignore her. That could be anyone.
Phil and Claire Dunphy?
Yes, Haley, honey? What is it?
I'm gonna go get some shaved ice at the
hotel
next door with some kids.
- What kids? - Just some kids I met at the
pool.
- Okay. Um- I should go with her and - Claire,
no.
You have to learn to let go.
Turning a family vacation into a honeymoon
takes commitment.
You can do it. Eye of the tiger.
Hello!
- I should at least meet them. I - No.
That is not eye of the tiger.
All right, Haley, honey, go and have fun,
but don't get in anybody's car...
and be back in time for your grandfather's
birthday dinner, okay?
Thank you!
- Okay! All right! - Bye, honey!
Oh, God.
That feels weird and good all at once.
I know. I was leaning up against that nozzle
a minute ago.
- Hey. - Hey, you're back. How was it?
Ah! Cameron, it was the most incredible
thing

I've ever seen in my entire life.
- Really? - You know who else was there?
- Who - Elton John.
- No- -Yes, and he was so blown away by the
beauty of it,
he sat down... at their lavender piano
and played "Tiny Dancer."
And we bonded, because he too likes
adventure.
- Did that really happen? - No, that didn't
really happen.
I'm just...
trying to get back at you for bailing on
me.
I'm sorry. If it means anything,
we've been relaxing here doing nothing.
- Maybe you can join us tomorrow. - No, I
can't- I just don't-
- I don't find relaxing that relaxing. -
I understand.
You are who you are.
- Leilani. - Yes.
You know what? I think it's because of my
parents.
It always is. Kipu!
I mean, vacation with my mom and dad
was them sitting around like statues...
when, the only thing that me and Claire
could do for excitement was-
Was sit around and listen to my skin sizzle.
- You poor thing. Sue? - Yes.
So, that's, like- That's why, when I'm on
vacation,
I want to go out and meet the locals.
I want to immerse myself in the culture,
you know?
I don't want to sloth around- Ah!
Sweet Lady Gaga, that is good.
Thank you.
What's this called?
Happiness.
I'm curious. Is there any sand left on the
beach,
or did you bring it all up to our bathroom?
Sorry, Mom.
And now you're sitting on my linen jacket.
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I guess I can't have nice things.
- Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was there.
- It's okay.
No! Stop!
I'm wearing that tonight!
I'm wrinkling your linen! I'm wrinkling
your linen!
Ooh! You know what? Out!
I want you out! This isn't working!
I don't care where you go, as long as you
don't stay here!
What are you saying?
What don't you understand about "Out"?
Fine. I'll just move in with my sisters.
Oh, no! Who will pee all over the bathroom
floor?
I was brushing my teeth at the same time.
You try to do that.
What'd you do today?
- I napped. - You did?
- I haven't napped in years. - Yeah. It
feels good, doesn't it?
Mm-hmm. Good and weird.
Kinda like that one nozzle in the infinity
pool.
I wouldn't know. Phil was hogging it.
Is it me, or is Lily more relaxed here?
Oh, yes. She is.
I think it's because she's really picking
up on our energy, you know?
It's like, if we're tense, she's gonna be
tense.
And I think we need to bring this new energy
home.
It's gonna make us better parents-
- You blocked the - What? What happened?
- You didn't bring her out! - I thought you
had her!
Come on. Let me paint you.
Oh, sweetie. That is so creepy.
Where is everyone?
Okay. Let me just say what everyone's
thinking.
My jacket's a mess.
It wouldn't be,
but someone used the iron to make grilled

cheese.
I had bread, I had cheese and I had an iron.
What was I supposed to do?
Kids, kids. We don't care.
Hola, hola!
Hey. So sorry I'm late. Where is Jay?
He's not with you?
No, he came down long time ago.
Oh, don't worry. I'll go have a look around.
Yeah, he's probably in the ocean trying to
pull a tugboat with his teeth.
Well, look who decided to join us.
- And where is your sister? - She is in our
bathroom throwing up.
Well, what happened? -
You're not going to like this as much as
I do,
but she's drunk.
I-I knew I never should have let her-
That's awesome.
Guarantee our bathroom is still messier.
Oh, my God! Lily! Where is the elevator?
Where- I don't know! I'm taking the stairs!
Lily, we're coming for you!
Hey, you. Where you headed?
Well, remember earlier in the pool when you
convinced me...
to let Haley go next door with complete
strangers?
- And you were totally on board. - Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, well,
she got drunk, and now she's upstairs
throwing up.
But she's just a kid. Who would serve her?
We did, honey. On a silver platter.
You convinced me to relax and let go,
and now this happens.
I'm sorry, but we shouldn't feel bad...
About wanting a little time for ourselves.
Sweetie, this isn't a honeymoon.
We have kids. You have got to let this go.
From now on, I am not losing sight of them
for two seconds.
Nothing gets past me.
Did you find Jay?
I'm getting worried.
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Modern.Family.S01E23
I'm sorry. I have to deal with Haley.
No. You know what, sweetie? I will deal with
Haley.
You go see if you can find Dad.
I'll look for him out there.
Lily, where are you going, huh?
Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God.
Wow. What were you thinking?
One of the kids had an I.D., and she bought
some drinks.
I tried one, and then another one.
It was stupid.
Yes. Yes, it was stupid,
but you are really lucky
that this did not end as badly as it could
have.
This is why we always say to you...
when you drink, you make bad decisions.
I know, I know. I just-
One minute you're having wine coolers at
homecoming,
and the next...
the game of Truth or Claire sweeps your high
school.
Thanks for not yelling at me.
Oh, honey. That would just be cruel.
I'II wait till you feel better to yell.
I don't think I'll ever feel better.
Does this happen every time you drink?
Yes.
Yes, it does.
Jay?
Over here.
What are you doing?
I'm stuck. I laid down, my back went out.
Oh. Well, don't you worry. We're gonna get
you out of here.
- Grab on. - Yeah, you know, Phil, this
might not be the best-
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna rock you- like a hurricane.
I'm kidding. You're too old to get that.
Here we go.
Wait. Why don't you just get someone who
works here?
 Modern.Family.S01E23
No, this is gonna work. sure.
And now- Oh, wow! And he'd have loved you.
There's spasming. My God, that guy- He was a charmer.
- Don't move. - No. I don't wanna get- Mmm, I know the type.
By the way, I just want to thank you for And we had a lot of fun.
this trip. But I'll tell you something.
It's really been a vacation of a lifetime. Our family vacations were nothing like this
Nothing weird! here.
Aloha. One week a year in a rented cottage on Lake
I keep my wallet in my front pocket, so Erie,
that's- spiders this big.
that's what that is. I just wish he could have seen how things
Neck... going. turned out.
I'm sorry. Well, if you keep going like this,
- Anyone! Anyone, help! - Alert security! maybe you can tell him yourself.
Seal off the island! Or I can tell him, because you're about to
This- This way! This way! kill me, Jay.
Lily! My legs, my arms, my back- everything is
Aha. You looking for someone? sore.
Lily. We were so worried. We just got So I wore you out, huh?
distracted. Oh, no, no, no. Don't get cocky, old man.
- Oh, we're idiots. - Ay! Don't beat When I sit down, I can still get up. Eh.
yourself up. Hey, uh- Okay, come on.
I used to lose Manny all the time. Come here. Come here.
Now I lost your father. These things The rest of the trip went better.
happen. Haley's room stopped spinning.
She's right, you know. - Yes, it is. - And a monkey-
Did she say my father's missing? There she is!
We say we'll make time, but life gets in Oh, honey! Hey!
the way. - Do you want some eggs Benedict? So creamy!
I mean, I know we're parents, - No.
but can't we be lovers too? No?
This may be my worst birthday ever. Jay got back to the vacation he always
There you are! wanted.
Oh, hi, honey. And Mitch and Cam managed to do some
He was stuck in a hammock. It was actually sightseeing...
really funny. at a working banana plantation-
- I was on top of him for, like, 20 minutes. - Lily! - Where they promptly lost Lily
- You need to go now. again.
Good night. Honey. Why did you dress her in jungle prints?
My back seized up. Because I thought it would be cute!
Yeah, because you overdid it She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam!
after that phone call about your father. Lily! Lily, honey!
I can't believe I'm as old as he was. Me and Claire, we-
Wait. Sit down here. we had a great time.
- You'd have liked him- my old man. - I'm But we never did get that honeymoon.

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-【163】-
 Modern.Family.S01E23
I think I just expected a little too much Mom, she's awesome.
from this vacation. Just so you know, if something were to
You were so sweet to try. happen to me, I-
It was dumb. Something's gonna happen to you, all right.
Like you said, the thrill is gone.
- I never said that. - No, it's over.
But wait. Put a few seconds back on the
clock.
The kid still has a few moves.
Oh, my God.
I figured out why we couldn't have a
honeymoon.
Because we never had a wedding.
Oh, my God.
I still can't tell if you think this is lame
or cool.
Honey, it's incredibly cool.
- Looks like I finally get to walk you down
the aisle. - Daddy!
Ow! You better walk me.
Okay. I'll do that.
We're here today to celebrate the renewing
of the marriage vows...
of Phil and Claire.
On this day they've chosen to reaffirm
their love for each other.
You may kiss your bride. Oh!
I present to you, still as husband and wife,
Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy.
Welcome to the nonstop flight from Maui to
Los Angeles.
Thank for you choosing Continental
Airlines.
Thank you.
You know, honey,
if anything were ever to happen to me,
I would want you to get remarried.
Okay.
That was a little fast.
Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.
Okay.
- Any idea of who you would remarry? - Vicky
Conroy probably.
She works in my office.
She's very organized. The kids love her.
- Are you guys talking about Vicky? - Yeah.

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-【164】-

Modern.Family.S01E24
- Oh, hey, honey. Have a great time at the
game. - Thanks.
Oh. Why are you crunching?
Ordinarily, I'm a rule follower,
but when someone tells me I can't bring
my own snacks into their stadium,
that's when I get a little nuts.
It's a free country, right?
Let's just say it ruffles me...
when some goobers tell me...
I have to spend half my payday...
on their hot dogs.
Please, just remember the family portrait.
- We only have the photographer for an hour.
Okay? - Okay.
And, sweetie, did you have a chance to
try on the white pants I put in your closet?
Oh, what do they look like?
Is there really a more clear way to describe
white pants?
Sweetie, if they don't fit you,
you're going to be the only one not wearing
white,
and then you're gonna stand out like
"Where's Waldo?",
Actually, "Where's Waldo?" doesn't stand
out.
He's super hard to find. That's the
challenge.
This portrait is incredibly important to
me.
Also, his name is just "Waldo."
I spent weeks trying to find
a time that works for everybody...
and finding the right photographer.
So if you could just promise me that you'll
cooperate, okay?
- I promise. -Okay.
- This is amazing that you're doing this.
- Mmm, thank you.
- You're wonderful. - Thank you.
Get in here
- Oh, no can do. - Oh.
- I love you. - Bye.
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-【165】-
Modern.Family.S01E24
Where's my good underwear?
The question is,
why isn't all your underwear good, Jay?
You make a nice living.
The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear
with Manny's.
Put on the first thing I grabbed.
It was like a crotch tourniquet.
- You gotta talk to her. - Why me?
Hola. You both speak the same language.
She's Portuguese. Do you know how offensive
it is...
that you put all of us in the same mixing
pot?
Sorry. Please apologize to her when you
tell her not to
- put my underwear- - I can't talk to her!
- Where's Luke? - I'm going instead.
Luke suddenly remembered a school project
due tomorrow.
Oh, that's tough.
But it's a good lesson for the kid.
You know, you make a commitment,
- you gotta follow through. - Yeah.
What is the project?
He has to interview somebody who lived
through the 1960s.
Oh, no.
Hello.
Yeah, Luke.
Oh, sure. I remember what I said.
Yeah, come on over. All right.
Gloria, you're gonna have to take Manny to
the game.
Yay. Manny, vamos!
I'm still getting dressed.
Hey, Mom, I think my diet's working.
My underwear won't stay up.
Oh, so delicious. Yes.
Hey, you're okay with me not going with you
today, right?
I have been hired to sing at a wedding this
weekend.
I was plucked from obscurity
after a particularly stirring karaoke
performance.

So I guess you could say I'm a professional
singer now.
Well, they're paying you in flowers, so-
Well, I would've blown the money on flowers
anyway.
They're saving me a step.
Plus all the great divas are rewarded in
flowers.
They're also given paychecks.
And I'm really bad at small talk, so-
I get it. It's not a problem.
Are you sure? 'Cause you've been quiet all
morning.
It's because I'm resting my instrument.
Okay.
I feel tension.
Kobe! Kobe, over here!
Kobe! Kobe! Over here!
What can I do for you?
Do you like being a basketball player?
Serious?
I choked. I didn't think you'd look up here
at me.
Little preparation next time.
It's a mental game.
Duly noted.
- All right. - Your Los Angeles Lakers!
- What's wrong? - That broken step.
It's gonna ruin our whole family portrait.
Okay, here's my idea. I'm really excited
about it.
The whole extended family, all dressed in
white,
in a single-file line down the staircase.
Oh, like a line on the highway.
No.
Or, uh, a ski jump.
No.
Why- Why would I want a ski jump?
I don't know.
My idea was to have the whole family in a
giant bed,
like in Willy Wonka.,
Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
"Ridiculicious."
I don't see anything.
Modern.Family.S01E24
So I'm crazy?
No. You're... not.
Your father was supposed to fix that step.
Mom, you're obsessing over the tiniest
little thing-
So you do see it, yeah.
What is the big deal about this one picture?
Honey, you know what,
I don't expect you to understand, but-
All right, when you're a mom,
everything goes by so quickly.
In a minute, Luke's gonna be shaving,
and Alex is gonna be off at college, and
you're gonna be-
you'll be doing something great.
I just wanna freeze this moment as it is
right now.
- You know? - I do.
I know I don't show it,
but this family's still the most important
thing-
Screw it.
I'm gonna fix the bastard.
I mean, seriously, how hard can it be?
If your father can do it, I can do it. Right?
All right.
I just need to...
lift-
Oh, now I see it.
These seats are amazing.
Why you have candy coming out of your
pocket?
No, no, no, no, no.
- Huh? - I brought my own snacks.
Not because I'm cheap. It's a matter of
principle.
Plus I get a little rush from the danger.
Be cool. Be cool.
- What? - Be cool. Just look straight ahead.
I never felt more alive. Whoo!
Okay, I just made it worse. I'm not freaking
out though.
I'm gonna call your dad, and he's gonna tell
me how to fix this.
- Oh, my God! It's Dad. - Where?
Right there, behind Kobe.

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-【166】-

- Oh, my god! - How weird is this!
Quick. Quick, tell me something to say that
will freak him out.
- Tell him I'm pregnant. - No, not gonna
say that.
Okay, here we go. How funny is this!
Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do.
Well, that was pretty funny.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh.
It's much better. Excuse me. Sorry.
Hello?
There is a pigeon in our house.
What do I do? What do I do?
Who is this?
- Never funny. Not funny now. - Calm down.
You know I grew up around many animals.
One time, a rooster attacked me,
and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it
for dinner.
Great time for an anecdote. Help me.
It's more afraid of you than you are of it.
Pigeons aren't scared of anything.
They stand on electrical wires.
You're gonna be fine, Mitchell. Just as
long as you don't-
You know what, they're starting.
I gotta go. Okay, bye.
As long as I don't what? Cam?
As long as I don't- Oh, God!
Cool. The kiss cam.
Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera
- was on us and then the crowd started- -
We're related.
Not by blood.
Touch me and there will be blood.
- Not us. - What's wrong with you?
It's the kiss cam.
When it lands on you, you're supposed to
kiss.
This is my wife's dad's second wife.
So legally okay, but still weird.
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-【167】-
Modern.Family.S01E24
That was awkward.
And we're back.
Oh. Ay! Come on. It's not a big deal.
Thank God for caller I.D.
So you don't have to talk to your wife.
Oh, we're gonna talk, mister.
We're gonna talk and talk.
Dad, Mom saw you on TV. You're dead.
Here's the thing. The kiss cam is only
supposed to be...
for the enjoyment of the people at the game.
They never show that on TV.
What people do in the privacy of their own
sports arena...
should be their own business.
So in '66, I worked in my grandfather's
office supply business-
you know, your ink, your staples, your
legal pads.
Am I going too fast for you?
I fell asleep for a second.
Did you do anything interesting in the
'60s?
Well, one summer,
I swept up hair at my other grandfather's
barbershop.
- You're killing me. - What do you want?
I don't know.
Brian Beckwith's grandfather marched on
Washington.
Artie Beckwith?
He couldn't walk two feet without
complaining.
He marched on Washington?
He told Brian he did.
With Martin Luther King Jr.
Martin Luther King?
- Guess who cut his hair. - What?
Do you know who cut Martin Luther King Jr.'s
hair?
Neither does Luke's teacher.
- So the barbershop was in Washington? -
Okay.
- Did you cut any other famous hair? - Oh,
yeah.
The Kennedys, Richard Nixon, all the

astronauts.
How do you think Buzz Aldrin got his
nickname?,
Awesome.
*We love to play in Lily's room*
*We don't need any milk*
Okay, you know what, Lily? I am a man.
I am going into the kitchen to get your
milk.
*Ave Maria*
*Gratia plena*
*Maria, gratia plena*
*Maria, gratia plena*
*Ave, ave dominus*
*Dominus tecum*
*Benedicta tu in mulieribus*
*Et benedictus fructus ventris*
*Ventris tui, Jesus*
*Ave Maria*
Then one day, Wilt Chamberlain shows up.,
He says, "Can you take a little off the top
for my friend here?"
- And it's Elvis. - No way.
Greatest singer that ever lived, after
Sinatra.
I'll fight any man who says different.
My dad says the greatest singer who ever
lived is Peabo Bryson.
Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Yeah, I guess.
Luke says Grandpa wants to fight you.
Why does everything have to suck?
Let's just do the picture another day.
I think I'm getting a pimple.
No.
Do you know how long it took me to book this
photographer?
Maybe by the fireplace.
Yeah. That's a classic old-person spot for
a portrait.
Yeah, if I'd ever bothered to paint that
hideous wall.
Claire is a perfectionist, which sometimes
is a good thing,
like when it comes to picking a husband.
Sometimes it's a bad thing,
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-【168】-
Modern.Family.S01E24
like when everyone else sees something
beautiful...
and all she sees is the teeny-tiny flaw.
No. No.
No.
Hi. My house is a disaster.
Can we do this picture at your place?
Yeah, that's- that's not gonna work.
So-
Maybe one more layer. And tight, really
tight.
- Dad, can you call them again? - I just
did.
They're on their way. Game went into
overtime.
I know, but we're losing the light,
and the photographer's
gotta get to a bar mitzvah in 10 minutes.
Oh, red wine. Really? Now?
You know, honey,
I think you're getting a little too uptight
about this.
- It's hard to breathe. - Oh, you're fine.
What'd you do to him? He's turning blue.
But his clothes will stay white.
- We're home! - Oh, thank God.
Manny, let's go change.
Hey, there's my beautiful wife.
I know you're mad at me,
and I know this foam finger can't make up
for everything.
Honey, you just go change,
and we'll talk about what you did later.
Hey, thank you so much for those tickets.
Gloria tells me you had a real good time.
Not really. No, I didn't.
God, I love your daughter.
I should- I should come by
and kiss that step- fix that step.
Oh, you're acting like I wanted to destroy
the house.
No. I just think it's odd
that the majority of things you
destroyed...
were sent to us by my mom.
Okay, okay, okay.

So while I'm fighting off that filthy
creature,
I actually stop and say, "Oh, you know what,
here's the opportunity I've always been
looking for
to destroy our kitschiest objects."
Kitschiest? Oh, she's gonna love that.
If you would've come with me to the wedding,
none of this would have happened.
Okay. So you are angry.
Mitchell, I get it.
You're terrified of small talk and birds.
You're just lucky that pigeon
didn't want to chat you up about the
weather.
- Hello, Jay. - Hello, guys.
Oh, God. Oh, you look like the guy from
Dance Fever.
Thank you.
Deney Terrio. Cleveland, Ohio.,
Dad, really? That is not a compliment.
That's why I wanted you to try those on
earlier. Turn around.
The picture can't happen today. My pimple's
getting worse.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Can you stand?
- Yeah. - Well, then the picture's
happening.
It's all anybody's gonna see.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Did you get a look at her dress?
What? Why would I look at her dress? I love
you.
Uh, Mrs. Dunphy, the sun is setting.
Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
Everybody, come on. Let's go.
Be careful. I stained some furniture out
there this afternoon.
Of course you did, Dad.
Anything else I need to know about?
Maybe the neighbors on either side are
having a paintball fight.
Now watch this. Dad, in his infinite
wisdom,
stained furniture today.
Don't touch it. It's wet.
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-【169】-
Modern.Family.S01E24
- Hurry, hurry. - Put that down,
sweetheart.
Okay. Okay, we got it. Now we're gonna go
out here.
Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?
How do- How do you turn the sprinklers off?
Ay! Of course! Because I'm Latina,
I'm supposed to know everything about
gardening and sprinklers!
You were here when they installed it.
Ay, yeah. The box is across the yard.
You mean your now-soaking-wet yard?
That's great. We are screwed.
No, we're not.
We haven't unwrapped our secret weapon yet.
Luke walks over there, Hurt Locker style...
flips the switch,
and boom- or not boom- water off.
Put the "he" in "hero," son.
Hurt Locker? It's more like Squirt Locker.
Really? That wasn't funny?
I actually pity you guys.
No time to celebrate! Stop it!
- We don't have a lot of time. - All right,
everybody.
- If I can have the little ones down front-
- You know what, sir?
If you don't mind, I've got this.
Come on, people, let's get out here.
Haley, Alex, I need you to unwrap your
brother.
All right, I need the Dunphys over on this
side.
Dad, you're in the middle.
Mitchell, Cam, Lily on this end. Okay.
- Listen. - Uh-huh?
Honey, I screwed up, but if ever you're in
my arms again-
- Phil, not now. - Yes, now.
I don't want to look at this picture...
when I'm 80 years old and you're long
dead...
and know that you were angry at me when we
took it.
Phil, we'll talk about what you did later.
Okay, everybody. Eyes over here.

I didn't do anything. She kissed me.
What?
- Who kissed you? - Gloria.
- What? - It was the kiss cam.
Why did you kiss Cam?
No, I kissed Phil. He told me I had to.
- No, no. - Okay, hang on a second.
Was this before or after
you ignored the phone call from your wife?
You saw that too?
Could we please just take the damn picture?
Okay. Everybody, one more time.
- Just so you know, I am angry with you.
- I knew it!
- Oh, damn it! - It was a big day for me,
and he didn't want to go because he doesn't
like small talk.
Would it be terribly inconvenient...
to just postpone this hissy fit for a few
minutes?
Ok, you know what? Maybe some of us don't
- want to take a picture today. - Thank you.
And please, Claire,
don't try to make Mitchell do something he
doesn't wanna do.
Oh, shut up, Cam.
Okay, stop it! Stop it!
Everyone, listen. This took me forever to
put together,
so I don't really care
who kissed who and who's got a pimple on
her head...
and who is wearing an outrageously
inappropriate dress.
We are gonna get together and act like a
normal family...
for one-tenth of a freaking second,
and we're gonna do it right now.
- Come on, let's go. - Get your hands off
of me.
No. No. Make me. Make me.
Ah, this is ridiculous. You're both uptight
about everything.
You didn't want to go to a wedding with him
because you didn't want to make small talk?
That's how I met Gloria.
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Modern.Family.S01E24
Do you remember the first thing I said to
you?
Yes. "I like chocolate,
I like fruit, but not together."
You couldn't come up with that, lvy League?
And you.
You would be a lot happier if you weren't
so obsessed with everything being perfect.
Look at us here all in white. What are we,
a cricket team?
News flash. Life is not perfect, Claire.
Now calm the hell down.
Okay, Dad, that's great, and that's really
easy for you to say.
But do you think I like being like this?
No, I don't.
So if you have some quick-and-easy fix,
why don't you just give it to me right now?
- Jay! - Oh, my God.
I- I got this, baby.
No. What did- What did you do?
Now two people are dirty.
Well, three.
Okay, you know what?
That's for "Kitschy."
Mud fight!
No. Don't do that. No, no, no! Stop it!
Everybody get back in line. Come on, guys,
stop.
Damn it. Damn it! Guys!
Excuse me.
Are we still doing this?
No. No, we're not.
- Now we are. - We're ready!
- Say "cheese." - Say "cheese"!
Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair
in that barbershop,
I had this mental picture of the family
that,
if I was lucky enough,
one day I would end up with- perfect wife,
perfect kids.
Guess what. I didn't get any of that.
Wound up with this sorry bunch.
And I'm thankful for that every day.
Well, most days.
 Modern.Family.S01E24
I think I'm just gonna go with the Elvis
stuff.
Yeah. I would.
Uh, to the right. To the right.
A skosh to the left.
There we go.
Whatever. I'm gonna have to take the
picture down
when I repaint the wall anyhow.
- Kill me now. - What?
Don't know how I got so lucky.
I love you.
- I love that picture. - Yeah.
- Is that a chip on the frame right there?
- No. No.
- I can see it. - Honey.

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Honey, do you need me to move the car?
No, it's nothing. I'm alright
Oh no! Iron cross, she's going down
Oh god! Phil...
- You okay? - Yes. I am.
I am okay.
Honey, why do we keep this car?
It's a classic!
No, it just sits here.
And the seatbelts don't work.
The doors stick. It leaks fluids.
We haven't put fluids in it in 10 years.
Well, I'm gonna fix all that anyway.
And then, uh, it's gonna be Haley's car.
Oh, we're not giving this car to Haley.
It's way too easy to fit a mattress in the
back.
Remember?
Oh, no. We're selling it.
What?!
Unless you don't think you can.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Seriously? - You can't.
You honestly think that's gonna work?
You can't sell it.
You know what?
You can insult a lot of things about me...
My hair, my voice, my balance-board
exercises...
But don't insult my selling.
That crosses a line.
What line? Oh, you don't see it?
That's 'cause I just sold it.
While the spray-tanned starlet claims
to be six weeks sober, sources down under
say:
She has been bar-hopping
like a coked-up kangaroo."
Ah, what's daddy reading to you?
If I have to read "the very hungry
caterpillar"
One more time, I will snap.
- oh, it's not that bad. - I will snap!
So, um, I laid the toolbox outside,
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And all the supplies are ready,
And I think we are good to go!
Terrific.
Aren't you gonna change into a working
man's outfit?
No, I'm good,
And I don't think workmen really call them
"outfits."
We are building a princess castle for Lily.
Uh, it's something every father wants to
be able to do for his daughter.
You know, and I fancy myself
as a bit of a castle designer.
I have done a few sketches.
Which we have archived so we can use the
kit.
- Mm, yeah. - The kit.
Uh, the kit. Which, uh, we're gonna do
together.
I am petrified to do this with Mitchell.
He built a couple of theater sets in college
or something,
And now he thinks he knows everything about
building.
Well, he doesn't.
Every home-improvement project that we've
undertaken.
Has been a near-death experience.
Make the appetizers. And then we'll be...
If an accident does happen, I hope he kills
me...
Because I don't think I would be a very
inspiring disabled person.
Honey, relax.
She's not here yet.
You might want to play it a little cooler.
You don't want to scare off your
girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend!
She's just coming over to study the life
cycle of silkworms.
Oh. She's here.
She's here! okay, how's my hair?
I thought it was just a friend.
I heard that.
I wasn't whispering.

Manny, open the door. Make her feel
welcome.
Kelly! Good morning.
Uh, I'm glad you're here.
Um, this is my Mom.
Nice to meet you!
In my culture,
mothers are very clingy to their sons.
In fact, the leading cause of death among
Colombian women
is when their sons get married.
But I'm not like that.
I just want my Manny to be happy.
Manny, why don't you give your friend Kelly
an empanada?
Oh, no, thank you.
I try to stay away from trans fats.
Oh, I'm sure one won't make a difference.
They're Manny's favorite!
I... think I'm going to stop eating trans
fats, too.
Mom? When was this from?
Oh... That's the year your dad and I went
to the rose bowl.
- Incredible game. - Yeah.
Mom, you look really pretty.
Thank you, sweetheart.
So, what happened?
Well, Lukey, everyone gets older.
Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what
they used to be,
it doesn't meam...
I mean, what happened in the game?
We got our butts kicked by Penn state.
The parade was awesome, though.
Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal.
"Good time," she wrote.
Okay, come on, guys. Let's get back to it.
No one's gonna buy this heap looking this
way.
Hey, mom, which one is the garbage can?
Um, it...
Honey, you can't throw that away.
It's blankety.
It's disgusting.
No, sweetie, you loved blankety.
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You wouldn't go anywhere without him.
Yeah, until Luke threw up on it.
Yeah.
I used to throw up all the time.
Remember buckety?
Oh, look at this.
What is that?
We went to the beach one day,
and Luke had such a good time.
That he wanted to being home a jar of
sunshine.
So he could always remember it.
Do you remember, honey?
Oh, no... no, no, don't... don't open it.
You really think you trapped sunshine in
there?
I'm just letting you know now,
I'm not taking care of him when you guys
die.
Stop. It's sweet.
Still feels hot.
Hey! It's that guy who came by earlier.
He was really interested.
What was his name? Shoot!
Well, you can't be in sales and not remember
people's names.
That's why I like to use what they call
"minimonic" devices.
They're little tricks to help you remember.
Um, like the other day, I met this guy named
Carl.
Now, I might forget that name,
But he was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt.
What's a band like the Grateful Dead?
Phish. Where do fish live?
The ocean.
What else lives in the ocean?
Coral.
Hello, "Coral".
I think it's "mnemonic".
I... I think I'd remember.
Okay.
You can do it, dad.
Okay.
He looked like the drummer from foreigner.
Now, foreigner's from France.
 Modern.Family.S02E01
France rhymes with "ants." Listen.
Ants ruin a picnic. Hey! listen!
What's up, Nick? We don't have to sell the car.
Really? Oh, sweetie, of course we do.
Really? It doesn't make any sense to keep it.
Well, that's great. Well, what can I do to make you feel better?
Yeah, no, swing by anytime. We're here all Nothing.
day. Unless you can build me a time machine.
Thanks. Honey...
Guess what? Until someone can figure out how to keep
You said I couldn't sell this? a wormhole
Well, you're gonna be eating a humble pie. from collapsing in on itself.
Stuffed with crow and a big side of sorry, That's just a pipe dream.
'cause I just did. Sure.
In your face, girl with the negative Phil! come on back, phil.
tattoo! Well, I found the...
Honey... I found the nail gun.
Wait. Oh. Yay.
No! The weirdest thing... it was wrapped in an
Whoa. Someone doesn't like to lose. old towel
Honey. stuffed in a box on the top shelf of the
Honey! closet.
I'm sorry. Well, just set it down on the counter.
I'm sorry. Heads up!
When I woke up this morning, I hated that Oh, dad, what are you doing here?
car, I'm, uh, just, uh, returning that crockpot
and even thinking about it made me mad. that Gloria borrowed.
But then when we were going through it, Oh, yeah, I forgot you had that crockpot,
and blankety... Jay.
all that stuff... I just... Well, we're just getting ready to build
The thought of that whole part of our life Lily a princess castle
driving away... if you...
We can keep blankety. - Want to help? - Yeah, sure.
I don't want... Oh. Well, if it's okay with you, Mitchell.
Look at them. Oh, yeah! oh, no, dad.
Come on. A minute ago, they were babies. Oh, remember how much fun we had
And now they're driving. when we built that bookshelf together?
And soon we'll all be dead. That was my vietnam.
Whoa! You're leaving out a few great And I was in vietnam.
minutes there. Oh! Look at us!
Retirement, old age... Three construction dudes!
Cool chair that goes up the stairs. Dad, I'm gonna get you some workman gloves.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I have a blue and camel.
I'm... being ridiculous. What's your preference?
Don't apologize. I love you when you're Surprise me.
human. Wouldn't it be easier

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if we had all our stuff in the same
notebook?
You think?
I mean, we're always going back and forth.
I'll just put my things in your notebook.
Who wants chocolate milk?
Sure, mom.
- So how is it going? - Great!
Kelly's moving her stuff into my notebook.
This is sudden.
It just felt right.
Oh, you know what you should do?
Put a pinch of salt in the chocolate milk.
It really brings out the flavor.
Salt is for the popcorn.
That sounds good.
You wouldn't like it.
Maybe we should let Manny decide.
Okay.
Here's the salt.
We'll see what he likes.
Wow!
That's really good!
Try it, mom!
I don't care for it.
It was delicious.
I finally got Lily down for a nap.
Where is Mitchell?
He's not supposed to be unsupervised!
Don't worry.
I got him in the garage putting flags on
the spires.
Okay, perfect.
It's better that way. Nobody gets hurt.
We don't have to put flags on the spires.
Yeah.
All right, let's get this roof on.
It's supposed to snap right into place.
Hey!
Whatcha got going on over there, Jigsaw?
Well, I thought that I would get started
on the, uh, drawbridge while you guys
worked on the roof, so...
You all done with the flags?!
Yeah!
Yeah, it took me like 15 minutes.
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It was a lot easier than you made it out
to be.
Do something, Jay.
Uh, Mitch?!
Yeah.
How about you make us some sandwiches?
No. No, we're in the middle of this.
No, I think what Jay's saying is,
why don't you go sort some bolts?
No, I sorted the bolts.
- All of 'em? - There were six.
W... what's going on with you two?
Are you... are you trying to get rid of me?
Uh..., Mitch.
Oh, my god. You are.
You're... you're, like, in cahoots.
Mitchell, I get scared, when you're around
tools,
Honey, it's dangerous...
For me, for you,
for... our roses.
Works better this way, kid.
I mean, castle goes right up,
Nobody gets sliced in half.
Do you know how insulting this is? I was...
I was an intern at the songbird summer
playhouse.
Do you think that the town of Brigadoon
just magically appeared?
Well, in the play, it did, but...the set...
the set was built with these two hands!
Mitchell. Mitchell...
The Von Trapp mansion, Evita's balcony...
Okay. Okay.
Oh, where are you going?
I'm going on a walk,
and, oh, yeah, I can still do that by
myself.
Watch. Oh, I hope I don't get hurt.
Oh, god, who put that doorjamb there?
I didn't see it.
I ran right into it.
Oh, no, I tripped! Walking is so hard!
That one didn't look like it was on purpose.
It was!
Just a few more steps.
 Modern.Family.S02E01
Oh, sorry! You know, there are a few areas that define
Step! Step! Sorry! us as men,
- Phil?! - Sorry, sorry. like sports and construction.
It's gonna be worth it. Mitchell just wants to feel like he's...
No, it's not. part of the man club.
Don't listen to her. Isn't that where you guys met?
And... I know you're making a joke because you're
- Ow. Ow. Ow! - Sorry. Don't struggle. uncomfortable,
Stop struggling. so I'll let it slide.
Great. It's our car. and we met at an orgy.
Not a car. Kids? Come on.
"ti... " what? I just think it's crazy, that's all.
Tonight, Claire Dunphy, we are turning back So what if he can't swing a hammer?
the clock Look at all he has done.
to a simpler time... Law school, great career, providing for his
when families piled into their station family.
wagons, That's manly, too, isn't it?
picked up some burgers, I mean, the classical sense.
and went on a picnic up to granger point. Well, yes, I mean, I think it also takes
Honey, we don't have to do this. a big man
Listen to her. to quit his career as a music teacher
No, it's gonna be great. I talked to... and raise a child.
France, ants, picnic... You're a man, too, Cam.
Nick, and he's not picking up the car till Thank you, Jay.
tomorrow. Wait. Garnish. We're men...
We have one more night of family fun! not cavemen.
What's gonna be fun about it? My great-great-grandfather
Listen to him helped build the Brooklyn bridge.
- Only everything. - Only nothing. And I heard that, until the day he died,
Okay, kids, you know what? every time he passed it, he was filled with
Your father is trying to do something nice, such pride.
so I would appreciate it if you would stop He'd say, "there's a little bit of me in
your whining that bridge."
and just get in the car. I know that I'm not the handiest guy,
Still does it! but I'm still a man,
Oh, my! and I want to be able to look out into my
Come on, get in, get in! yard and say...
I'm just saying, the kid's gotta learn to "there's a little bit of me in that princess
let things go. castle."
Well, this is a touchy subject for Oh, no. No. No, no, no. No.
Mitchell. No. Oh, no.
He wants to feel like a regular joe, like Hey, mom.
you and I. Kelly's parents are on their way.
Oh, pardonnez-moi. She invited me to go out to dinner and a
I prefer the champagne Dijon to the movie with them.
standard yellow. Is that okay?

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Oh, but...
I thought that you and I were going to the
movies tonight.
You know, to see that one with Shia
Labeouf.,
Well, maybe we can go to the movie another
night.
W... what's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
Just my heart.
Okay, sue me.
I am a Colombian mother.
I'm not gonna let him make a mistake
that is gonna affect him for the rest of
my life!
His life!
Manny,
I think we should talk about this Kelly
girl.
Isn't she great?
I think she really likes me.
Why wouldn't she like you, baby? Of course.
Go. Have fun.
I'm gonna wear my burgundy dinner jacket.
Of course you are.
I say we apologize
and just finish the castle together like
he wanted.
- Did you hide the nail gun? - Absolutely.
'cause, I mean, you said that before.
No, I...
Oh, my gosh. It's finished.
What the hell? Mitchell did that?
Yes. Yes, Mitchell did it.
Who's the bitch now, bitches?
Honey, it looks beautiful!
Well, yeah, because when you two were
inside
enjoying your little tea party, I was out
here...
out here getting stuff done.
I'm sorry.
We shouldn't have underestimated you.
You know he's stuck in there, right?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, hey, kid, Cam and I are gonna go crack
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a couple cold ones.
You want to join us?
No, no, you know what?
I'm just gonna stay here and get some stuff
done,
but you... you two ladies enjoy your light
beers.
How do you know we're having light beers?
We only have light beers.
So, well, listen.
- Here is a hammer. - I don't need it. I
don't need it, though.
- And this is a screwdriver. - But I'm not
gonna use it.
And you just come on in whenever you want
to.
I'll be in at... yeah.
You sure we shouldn't get him out of there?
No. He would never forgive us.
He's a very proud man, your son.
Bird! Bird!
Bird! ah, oh, my god! oh, my god!
Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself right now.
Ohh! oh, my god!
Calm down.
Luke, honey, slow down.
No one's gonna take your food away.
Wow, this place has really changed.
Time marches on, huh?
See that Starbucks down there?
You know what that used to be?
An orange grove?
No, a Burger King.
You can still see some of the architecture.
Thank you... for this.
I really do feel better already.
You can go home again, Claire.
Oh, sweetie.
My stomach hurts.
Luke, honey, I told you not to eat so fast.
Just sit back, relax. You're gonna be fine.
- Ew! Spider! - Haley!
-Haley! - Haley, honey,
you're standing on the back of daddy's
seatbelt!
Oh, soft cheeses, I can breathe again.
 Modern.Family.S02E01
Wait. Where'd the spider go? I'm just being realistic,
I really need some air. but we're gonna need to lower the asking
Okay, Alex, lower your window. price.
I can't. It's stuck. Hi, papi.
I forgot about that. You're here so soon.
Don't you throw up on me. I decided to skip the movie.
Ohh. Don't point him at me! Are you okay?
Here, I'll turn on the... Haley!! Yeah.
Oh! Oh, honey, I think that's the heat. Kelly didn't like my jacket.
It's in my mouth. Plus, she ordered for me.
It's happening! Mm, did she let you hear the specials, at
okay, grab a bag! least?
Oh, gosh, it smells like onions! No. I don't want to be with someone who
My seatbelt's stuck! doesn't get me.
I'll help you. Do we have any trans fats left?
oh, my god! Of course.
Spider! Besides, I think there's a girl I'd rather
Haley!! spend time with.
Oh, god, he's gonna blow, mom! Ohh, that's so sweet.
I need buckety! I'm the luckiest mother in the world.
Okay, everybody get out of the car! Hey. This is Manny. Is Alicia there?
Our doors don't open! Who's Alicia?
We got ya. She's a girl in my history class.
Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast! We like to play "six degrees of sir Francis
Get out, get out. Bacon."
Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast, You just tossed a woman aside.
Dunphys! Immediately you go to the next one?!
Nice and easy! No, I just...
Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast. Just... just what?!
Don't look at him! This is not the way you treat women!
He's just gonna make you feel sick! Men are all the same.
Oh, I looked, I looked, I looked. They break women's hearts, and they don't
Oh, god. care!
Guys, the car! Men are all animals!
- I got it! Hey, honey.
Oh, no. Animal!
Oh, no. The art of the sale is all about...
What's the plan, Phil?! what you leave out.
At least I'm trying to do something! "83 classic wagon."
Dad, get off! Tough to find parts.
Come on, Phil! Let it go! Let it go! "They don't make them like this anymore."
Oh, my god! Honey, let it go! Honey! For legal reasons.
Stop, stop, stop. "Enjoyed for many years by one happy
Oh, no! That's not... family."
It's all right. Of raccoons.
I'm just... I'm kidding. Actually...

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-【178】-
 Modern.Family.S02E01
Actually, it did make us happy for a long
time.
It's gonna be tough to say goodbye.
It always is.
Nobody loves change.
But...
Part of life is learning to let things go.
I totally thought I was gonna puke on you.
I would have killed you if you did.
Oh, yeah, like you killed that spider?
Oh, you didn't see it. It was huge.
Remember the look on mom's face
when her seat fell down?
How about when dad jumped on the hood of
the car?
"What's the plan, Phil?!"
Mitch? Lily?
Hey, we're in here!
Princess is in her castle!
How long have you guys been out here?
Ohh. Cam, she can't get enough.
We've been in here for like two hours.
And we did this for her.
Need me to get you out of there?
This thing is not safe, Cam.
Move to the back of the castle.
Yeah, no. I know the drill.
No, don't carry me out this time.
I think it sends the wrong message to Lily.
Well, the neighbors enjoy it.

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How could we don't have the same number of
containers and lids?
Why would they ever get separated?
Built-up resentment, money issues,
met a younger lid.
Mom, where's my science homework?
Uh, it's over there on the table.
So, Alex, honey, what's going on?
Anything exciting?
No.
- Any boys? - No.
I'm feeling a little bit disconnected
from Alex right now.
Last week, I picked up her cellphone,
thinking it was mine.
And I accidentally read a few flirty text
messages
that were probably from a boy in her class,
which is fine.
Or they're from a drifter.
Come on, isn't there something
you want to share with your mommers?
Yeah. Don't call yourself "Mommers."
He blew his lid when she tried to contain
him.
Okay. What do you think?
-I like it. -But you don't love it.
No, I do. I love it.
- As much as you loved the other one? - Ooh.
Okay. Mm.
The house is on fire. I only have time to
grab one shirt.
Which one do I take?
The correct answer is take Lily.
After that.
Uh, okay, the blue one.
Because the gray one washes me out.
No, no. Cam, you -- you can't go wrong here.
Everything you've tried on looks great.
I love you in both of them.
Oh, you're so nice to me.
Mitchell has a problem with public displays
of affection.
Um, I remember once at a new year's eve
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party,
stroke of midnight, he high-fived me.
Two problems with that --
One, gays don't high-five.
Two, gays don't high-five.
I'm home!
Mmm, what smells so good?
I'm making chunchullo, a traditional
Colombian dish,
for dinner with the family tonight.
Chunchullo.
What is that -- like, uh, tacos?
Yes, like tacos.
No, it isn't.
- It's the small intestine of a pig. - Oh,
Geez.
Why can't we eat regular food like normal
people?
I told you, Jay.
My grandmother, who rests in peace,
has been coming to me in my dreams,
telling me that I'm losing touch with my
roots.
See, this is awkward,
because my dead uncle joe told me to have
steak tonight.
No, no, no, Jay. Have some respect.
My grandmother can hear you.
What do you mean, she can hear us?
Well, in our culture,
we believe that the dead are all around us.
She's right, Manny.
She could be right here,
her bony fingers reaching out from the
grave.
Yeah, keep it up, Jay.
There's already one dead person in this
room.
You want to make it two?
I'm sorry. I've got a printer to install.
Oh, Gloria, have your grandmother
run me up an iced tea in about 10 minutes.
Yeah, she has a better chance of making that
work than you!
Why don't you save us the stomping and the
swearing and call Phil?

He's good at that stuff.
Better than me?
Phil's not better than me at anything,
Except maybe making that stupid sound with
his mouth.
A what, what
You spit on me.
Haley, honey, um, I need you to do something
for me.
Ugh. Mom, my arm hurts.
Why don't you find out what it is
before you start making up excuses to get
out of it?
Okay, what is it?
I need you to talk to your sister.
I think that there's something going on
with her and a boy.
So?
So, I am your mother, and it is my job to
make sure
that you girls don't get involved with a
predator.
Okay, mom, stop watching "Dateline."
And why can't you just talk to her?
I have tried to talk to her.
I -- she won't talk to me. You know that.
That's because you get so weird every time
a boy comes near us.
I-I just don't want you girls to --
- To make the same mistakes that you did?
- No!
No.
Mom, I'm not an idiot.
I pick up on things.
And I don't think that you were the good
girl
you pretend you were.
Wow. That is so untrue.
I was a very good girl. Mm.
Your kids don't need to know
who you were before you had them.
They need to know who you wish you were,
and they need to try to live up to that
person.
They're gonna fall short,
but better they fall short of the fake you
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than the real you.
Which is why we don't hide anything.
That's the opposite of what I just said.
I was not listening.
I'll say it again -- I love you in paisley.
Oh, let me lock the door and draw the
curtains.
What does that mean?
-It doesn't mean anything. -Good.
You know exactly what it means.
You won't kiss me in front of other people
because you're ashamed of who you are.
And, yes...I went there.
Okay, you can't say, "Yes, I went there,"
when you go there all the time.
And, by the way, I'm the one who makes
speeches on airplanes
every time someone looks at us weird.
I'm the one who gives my dad hell
when he refers to you as my "Friend."
That's different. That's confrontation.
But you know what takes real strength?
Whining?
-Affection. -Oh, this is insane.
Buying a shirt -- it's not a kiss-worthy
moment.
Oh, I didn't know there was an official
list.
Please, tell us -- what is on the list?
I'll tell you what's not on the list --
Finding jalapeno-stuffed olives,
making the light on maple,
every time we see a V.W.
You don't like "Kiss-buggy"?
It's not a real game!
It -- it's just another way for you to be
needy.
I -- and I don't appreciate you making me
feel bad
because I can't live up to your impossible
standards.
Nobody kisses at a bowling alley!
I almost got a turkey!
"Yello"?
Oh, hey, Jay. Just a sec. I'll go get
Claire.

Oh, actually, it's you I'm calling.
What was that?
The cat. There's a cat. What's up?
Well, Gloria's been missing her
grandmother.
I've been trying to get this old picture
of her printed,
but I can't get this new printer to --
I'll be right there.
Luke, grandpa needs us!
Hells yes, I was glad to get the call.
Jay's always around here fixing things,
cracking jokes about my "Delicate hands"
or my gag response to the smell of paint.
Look who needs me now
Mr. Hot-dog fingers who can't press "Print"
without hitting three extra keys.
Yeah!
You're in my house now, Jay!
T-technically, we'll be in his house,
but we'll be in my area...
of his house.
So, I hear you have a boyfriend.
- No, I don't. - Who is he?
- I'm not talking to you about this. - Oh,
come on.
You're finally interesting. Just tell me.
He's not my boyfriend.
It's Jeremy Reed.
It's -- he's just this boy that I --
- Love? - No!
Well, have you guys kissed yet?
No!
Well, what are you waiting for?
I'm not waiting. I'm 13.
And you've never kiss boy?
How old were you?
Like 11.
And it was beautiful.
I was in Jackson Kaner's carpeted garage.
- 11? - Yeah.
So you better get on it,
or else he's gonna think you're a lesbian.
He's not going to think I'm a lesbian.
I thought you were.
You totally have the sandals for it.
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Let's see this bad boy.
Oh, a P-750. Nice unit.
I would have sprung for the 840,
But I get it --
not everyone can handle that kind of
horsepower.
I thought maybe the cordless phone was
interfering,
so I unplugged it.
Good idea. Maybe we should run downstairs
and unplug the toaster while we're at it.
Oh, snap, dad.
Toaster.
We're kidding.
A cordless phone is 5.8 gigahertz. This is
wi-fi.
It's a totally different spectrum.
Walk with me?
Here's a little trick that I've found
pretty useful with Claire.
The computer and the printer must talk,
talk, talk
command-p" Makes the picture walk, walk,
walk"
How come it's not working?
It should be.
Okay.
Uh, that should be printing.
So...
Hey, Phil, I'm gonna get a beer, beer, beer
Before I hit you in the head, head, head.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Hi, Jeremy. I want to ask you something.
- Sure, ask - Wait, don't talk yet.
Here is the thing.
We've texting for a while, and it's been
nice,
but I feel like it's leading to something
else,
and I don't know if you do or not,
but I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy
asking for him to like her.
Oh, god, that's from "Notting hill."
So dorky. But a really underrated movie.
What's happening?
 Modern.Family.S02E02
I'm not a lesbian. We're not lunatics.
I would like for you to kiss me. But you mess with us, and we mess with you.
Oh, I love watching you stir. That's the custom.
Then I will stop. Louder!
What? Are you still mad at me? Hey, honey. Where'd you go?
Yes. You have to apologize for making fun Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.
of my culture, my beliefs, Oh, my god! Puh-lease tell me this text is
my chunchullo, my abuela. wrong!
I'm sorry. Did you really just go over to that kid's
If you think your Grandmother's here with house
us, and try and kiss him in front of a million
I respect that. people?!
Now, come here. - Alex, did you do that? - You got a text?
Oh, Grandma! Where'd you come from? Oh, yeah. Everybody knows.
We're gonna have to get you a little bell. Do you know how embarrassing this is for
Enough, Jay! me?!
My culture is very important to me! This is all your fault!
I've been working all day to share it with You're the one who said I had to kiss him
your family tonight, or I was a lesbian!
and all you do is mock me! Haley! Did you say that to her?!
Just go! Oh, don't turn this on me. Look at her
Honey, I'm sorry. shoes!
I'm just teasing you. Ugh! I'm never going back to school now.
Instead of being the comedian, why don't No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going
you help me? back to school.
What do you need? But listen to me-- Just because a boy sends
- Slap the chicken. - Do what? you flirty texts.
In Colombia, when you cook in honor of the Doesn't mean that
departed, -you have to text him back - what?! You read
you have to scare death away from the food my texts?!
to protect the people that are gonna eat - I... - You read her texts?!
it. That's why you made me talk to her?!
Slap it and yell. You made her talk to me?!
That's the nuttiest -- I kind of feel like we're spinning out here
-Jay! -Calm down. a little bit.
Give me the chicken. Look, Alex, the important thing here
Here we go. Is that you have to be very careful how you
That's not scaring anything away. behave around boys
When my grandfather used to cook, Because it is so easy to get a reputation.
the whole house would shake. Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little
Louder. good girl like you were!
Higher. Were you?
Louder! Were you?!
Higher! Louder! There! I highly doubt it!
I made all that up. Don't be such a chicken. There's no ghost
That is not a real custom in Colombia. in here.

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I'm telling you, my Mom said her dead
grander was in the house.
She said she felt her here this morning...
In this room.
Maybe your Mom's mentally ill.
Who puts a router... in the attic?
Did she have a limp and a cane?
Ghost of Manny's great-grandma,
if that's really you,
Show yourself!
That's her!
Come on!
Why?!
Why?!!
-Hi, grandpa.- How we doing, girls?
Mom ruined my life today.
-I didn't ruin your life. I was - don't even
talk to me!
I didn't even want to come here.
Well, okay.
Snacks and and sodas are in the living room,
But don't fill up -- we've got intestines
coming.
Uh, dad, if you're looking for your shoes,
I think I know where they are.
This happens to be a colombian custom --
Walking in the footsteps of the ancestors,
blah, blah, blah.
Beats slapping the chicken.
Here, I brought you a drink.
Oh, wait a minute --
Sip it first.
I'm not mad at you.
I thought about it, and maybe you're right.
I can be a little needy sometimes.
Oh, well, I-I appreciate that.
And you're probably not entirely off base.
I mean, lord knows I-I've got my quirks.
And I-I'm not the most demonstrative guy
around,
But I'm -- I'm working on it.
-And I'm gonna help you with it. -Good.
Just don't give up on me.
Never.
Okay, everybody, let's gather around!
Jay, come here.
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Tonight we dine on the traditional
colombian recipes
of my abuela, my grandmother.
And even though she's no longer with me,
I am very happy because I have all of you.
To ana-maria rosa de la immaculada jimenez
morales.
To ana-maria rosa...
That was beautiful, Gloria,
just like my Mitchell.
Just slipped right off there.
Ay, Cameron, what happened?
One moment you were there,
the next, only shoes.
I'll tell you what happened --
Mitchell is embarrassed to kiss me
in front of other people.
No, you ambushed me!
Oh, Cam, come on.
Don't take it personally.
When Mitchell was in high school,
He was dating this girl -- Robin Schier.
He would never kiss her, either.
That's because I was gay.
What's your excuse now?
Ay, Cameron, it's not Mitch's fault.
He gets it from his father.
Jay doesn't like the lovey-dovey in public,
either.
I can't believe you're coming at me right
now.
I'm standing here with shoes around my
neck.
And for the better part of a half-hour,
I screamed the death out of your meat.
-Now, what do you want from me? -Don't you
see?
It's because of you
that your son cannot kiss his own lover.
- Don't say "Lover." - we don't like
"Lover."
Can we just eat?
No. Tell Mitch
that it's okay to kiss Cam in front of you.
Why is that something we have to do?
We don't.
 Modern.Family.S02E02
Of course we don't. But I think -- I think "Thanks" about covers
Oh, I'm sorry that I don't want to make out it.
with you Well, what's wrong with "Thanks"?
in front of my whole family. It's pretty much the bare minimum, dad.
No need to apologize. Jay, for god's sakes, just say something.
Oh, Gloria is right. You want me to say something?
Dad, you being so emotionally closed off How about "You're welcome"?
makes it very difficult for your children How about "I'm -- I'm so happy to be here
to show affection. for you all
- Really? - Yes. so I can take the blame for all your crap."
You had trouble showing affection in public I don't do this,
places? I never did that.
-Yes!- You? -Yes. Trust me, I gave you twice
Was that before or after as much as my father ever gave me.
you were delivered to my door in a squad The man kissed me one time in my entire
car, life.
wearing nothing but your underwear and a He came up behind me, kissed me on the back
police blanket? of the head,
Oh, my god. What? You were arrested? said, "Goodnight, Becky."
-Awesome! - Not awesome. He thought I was my sister.
And I wasn't arrested. Wait a minute.
Your grandfather was just telling a joke. When was the last time you kissed Mitch?
It was just a joke. I got a million of 'em. What does that have to do with anything?
Dad. Mitch, when was the last time he kissed you?
I did it! I-I don't remember.
It's printing! - It wasn't that long ago. - I was 12.
I had to download new firmware, install new 12? This is the problem!
drivers, Jay's dad doesn't kiss Jay,
change your encryption, and replace an so Jay doe't kiss Mitch, and Mitch is
ethernet cable uptight.
in a 100-degree attic, Okay, okay, "Uptight" was really not on the
while dodging particularly aggressive table.
spiders, This is more about kissing.
but I did it! Jay, kiss your son. He's a mess.
Thanks. Oh, come on, now.
Oh. Okay. I guess that's it. We don't have to do that. It's...
What? What's it? - Yes, you do. - No. - Come on.
Wake up, dummy. Come on, do it. You're in front of your
This is what we're talking about. grandchildren.
This guy's been working like an imbecile All right, all right! Shut up!
all day for you. Mitch, get over here.
People need something else -- kisses, hugs. W-what, now? Well, I feel weird now.
What, for fixing a printer? Don't be coy.
Oh, it's fine. It was only four hours. What are you waiting for, a box of
I tipped over a paint can and threw up a chocolates?
little, Let's do this.

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That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
All right, and now because I never want to
hear this again.
You.
Not you.
Oh, daddy, I love you.
Let's go eat chunchullo!
That's ok.
You know it's made of pig intestines,
right?
Alex, wait.
- What? - I want to talk to you.
Mom, I don't want another lecture.
It's not a lecture. I want to tell you
something.
Honey, I know exactly how you're feeling.
No, you don't.
Okay, the -- the joke that grandpa told
tonight?
That -- that happened.
That...That was true.
So, you were arrested naked?
I wasn't naked!
And I was not arrested per se.
I was driven home one night by the police
because my boyfriend and I
had gone swimming in somebody's pool,
and we didn't have bathing suits and -- blah,
blah, blah.
The details aren't important.
What matters is that everybody at school
was talking about it.
And I thought I would die.
But it passed.
I swear.
And now, honey, I'm -- I'm glad it happened.
I've got a funny story to tell at dinner
parties.
So, how long did it take before you thought
it was funny?
Oh, god...
10, 15 years.
Great. What do I do about tomorrow?
I don't think you have to worry about that.
Go, go, go.
In Colombia, we kiss for everything,
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because a kiss can mean so many different
things.
There's no ghost in here, is there?
Not a chance.
Sleep easy, kid.
It can be the start of something new.
It can be how we say, "This is the person
that I love."
So who's a better kisser, me or your dad?
Ew.
It can be romantic.
Just so you know, if my friends weren't
there,
I would've said yes.
So, if you still want to...
If it's okay...
Maybe we should hang out more first.
This is only the second conversation we've
had
that wasn't by text.
It can also be worth waiting for.
Jay, what is this?
Just another nice thing I did for you
while you made a fool of me.
Manny let me in on your little tricks.
You feel bad now?
No. I feel good.
That one is definitely my favorite.
Phil, you really don't have to do this.
No. I-I can do it. I wanna do it.
It's silly to pay someone else just to do
something --
Oh, no! Oh!
Oh, wait! No, no, don't spill it!
Sweetie, don't spill that!
Oh, that's on me!
Careful! Oh, gosh!
Okay, get up. You're fine.
- Get it off! - Okay, I got it.
I got it. Got it off. Got it off.
- Oh, the face! - Not the face!
- Oh, the face! - All right,
I'll pull it down! You're good!
All right, I'm gonna have to
- It's on me. - I'll cut it off.
Good idea.
 Modern.Family.S02E02
Get a bucket, please!

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Oh, my god. Mom.
The party is like around the block.
I'll be gone for two hours.
Yeah. That is two hours you could've spent
studying.
I had been studying all weekend.
No friends, no phone.
Just me, alone with books.
I feel like Alex.
You're never alone when you have books.
Really? Is that what you want me to turn
into?
Sweetheart, listen to me. This is the SATs,
okay?
It is not some stupid science quiz.
Hey, if science quizzes are so stupid,
Why do you put mine up on the refrigerator?
Because we feel sorry for you,
'cause books are your friends.
Yeah, she wasn't studying last night.
She was video-chatting the whole time.
- Shut up! - I knew it.
- I knew it. - You are such a tattletale!
Girls, take it down a notch, because I ...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's the hot topic on "The View" today,
ladies?
Dad, can you just please tell mom
that I can take a two-hour break and go to
a party?
No, ma'am. I'm not stepping into that one.
We're not playing good cop/mom.
I got it.
- Hello. - You call for a plumber?
Uh, no, we did not.
Oh, yes, We did, we did.
Plumber, hi. Yeah.
Um, it's right up at the top of the stairs.
Thank you.
Really, Claire?
But didn't I tell you I'd fix the tub?
Yes, honey, you did.
And I think I was pregnant with Luke at the
time.
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That is not fair.
I've done everything you've asked me to do
around here.
I fixed the step, didn't I? Look how solid
it is!
I'm like Shirley Temple
and that black guy!
Bill "Bojangles" Robinson.
Bill "Bojangles" Robinson!
I said it first!
So, this is the problem.
Uh, faucet just keeps leaking.
Yeah, it's a cracked washer --
If I know my washers.
And it's, uh, it's been leaking a little
water.
Yeah, could be a washer,
a cracked valve, a stripped pipe.
Well, I guess I'm not a professional
plumber,
but I have spent a huge amount of time in
that tub.
I can tell you from experience,
or at least what it feels like in there --
Oh, good. You're back.
I need you to help settle a spat
between our blacksmith and the chimney
sweep.
Be nice. It took me 20 minutes to find my
opera cloak.
I still can't believe. You didn't have to
rent any of that.
Oh, please.
Do you know how many times this has paid
for itself?
Has it?
Well, our friend Pepper
loves to throw theme parties.
Yes, he does,
And this weekend is his first annual
"Oscar Wilde and Crazy Brunch."
We're still recovering
from his "Studio 54th of July" barbecue.
They were fun at first.
But they have become a lot of work.
You have to dress in costume.
 Modern.Family.S02E03
You have to assume a character. Let's not make a big deal out --
I -- I can't believe you ever dated him. Hell...
One date. Aah. Aah. Earthquake!
It was the '90s. Terremoto!
We'd just lost Princess Di. Vamos, vamos, Manny! Vamos, Jay!
I was at sea. Come on, Jay!
Oh, Cam, can we just... Girls?!
Can we please cancel? Oh, god. Oh, god.
I wish we could. Okay.
But you know he's still mad at us for This is -- this is stuck!
missing Passover. We're gonna die! we're gonna die!
Oh. Right. We better not.
"Seder-day night Fever"? If they find us in these outfits,
Just go get dressed and powdered. it's gonna be very bad for the gays.
Ohh. - Clair - We're okay!
Pepper has done the impossible! - Dad? - Luke!
He's made two gay men hate brunch. Buddy.
You know, it might be easier You okay?
just to pour the espresso right in the That thing almost fell on me!
sugar. I was sitting there,
Every morning. and it came this close to my head!
Jay, what are you wearing? It's all right. You're okay.
You can't go to church like that. You didn't get hurt.
Well, that settles it, then. I'm going Well, I'm not gonna wait around here until
golfing. I do.
You're gonna miss church again? O... kay.
Last sunday, Wow!
you said that you had to go to the office. That is a doozy.
The week before, you had breakfast with a Hey, are you guys okay?
friend. Yeah, we're fine. You?
And before that, you thought you had a cold. We're fine.
That turned out not to be a cold. That was really...
Because I babied it. Oh, wait. Hold on.
You don't have to convince us. Hello?
- You have to convince him. - Who, god? Mitch, are you okay?
- Me and god are good! - How would you know? We're okay. We're okay.
Look, you feel god in church, which is And Phil and Claire?
great. Uh, I'm on the other line with them right
I feel god out in nature, amongst his works. now.
Are you gonna go to church next week? One second.
We'll see. Hello?
I know what "we'll see" means. Oh, shoot, we lost Phil.
If you're done with church, just say it. We lost Phil?!
- I'm done with church. - Don't say that! We lost Phil?
Look -- I'm not going to church anymore. Hello?
It's not the end of the world. Great. Now Gloria's gone.

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-【189】-
 Modern.Family.S02E03
Gloria's gone, too? What is that supposed to mean?
Ohh! Like I'm some dandy who doesn't have a
Hey, Gloria. crowbar?
Ay, dios meo, Phil, you're alive! Well, you did just use the word "dandy."
Yeah, of course I'm alive. "dandy" is a term coined by miners in the
For now. 15th century.
For months, Claire has been after me Phil?
and dogging me Just get us out of here.
"Anchor the cabinet to the wall." Dad, how long is it gonna take to get her
"What if we have an earthquake?" out of there?
"We've got kids in the house." Long time.
Blah blah blah. Oh, honey. Don't worry.
So it finally reached the point where I had Mommy is gonna be out soon. Don't panic.
no choice, Wait a minute.
but to just roll up my sleeves and tell her Wait a minute. You're not going to that
I did it. party, young lady.
Phil! No, I'm not going to the party.
Dad, get up here! I'm just going downstairs.
On my way -- seriously, I just fixed that! With your purse?
Haley... Come on.
What's wrong? Just cover for me this one time, and I...
Mom's stuck! I'll drive you wherever you want.
You okay in there? I want to go to the Museum of Tolerance.
We're fine. Fine. How far is Tolerance?
The door is jammed. I can hear the two of you scheming out
- Uh...well, let's -- let's try this there!
together, okay? - Okay. Don't you dare leave this house!
Um, I'm gonna push, you pull. Ohh, why do you have to be such a psycho
Okay. On three. control freak?!
Aah! nothing! Okay, you know what?
Oh, damn! Just for that, you are grounded one week!
Okay, here's the thing. Oh, that's good parenting!
I wasn't pushing. In fact, I was pulling Okay. Two weeks.
a little. Want to double it?! keep talking!
It dawned on me Blah blah blah blah blah!
that as long as Claire was stuck in the Fine! four weeks! four!
bathroom, Double it again and make it 10 weeks!
I'd have time to anchor the cabinet to the Oh, my god!
wall. Do you not hear how much you need to study?!
It's like they say Mitchell, come on. We're gonna be late.
sometimes when god closes a door, Ohh, I can't believe we have to do this.
he closes it so hard that your wife can't Come on, after the earthquake,
get out. it might be nice to be around similarly
So, don't panic! I'm gonna get you out! dressed people.
I'm just gonna go get some tools! That makes no... the earthquake!
Get a crowbar if you have one! Okay. Okay. Yes.

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-【190】-

Yes. This -- okay. This is the perfect
excuse.
Why? We're fine.
Yeah, but Pepper doesn't know that.
You'll just tell him
that we have some damage we have to deal
with.
- Why me? - Because I'm the one that always
cancels.
- Hello. - No. Don't hand me that I will
not talk to him.
I'm a bad liar. Do not hand me that.
Pick up. You are doing it!
I think somebody's talking. Hello?
Hi! Pepper!
Listen -- hi. Hey.
It's Cameron. How are you doing over there?
Great.
Well, the earthquake.
Yeah, it was huge here.
So, obviously, we're not,
we're not gonna be able to make it.
- Why not? - Well, some dishes broke.
You can sweep them up later.
And, uh, well, yeah, I guess --
I guess we could sweep those up, um, later.
Our, uh, our -- our hat rack.
- Our hat rack fell through the window. -
Hat rack?
Well, yeah, we do have a hat rack.
We thought it would force us to wear our
hats more.
And it did.
And there's water damage.
There's water everywhere.
A bookshelf fell on Mitchell's leg.
Mitchell's hurt, Pepper.
Mitchell's hurt real bad.
I'm coming right over.
No, you don't need to come over.
- I'm coming! - Pepper, no!
He's coming over.
See? Kind of panicked.
You did panic, Cam.
You paniced real bad.
You're still going golfing?!
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-【191】-
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God sent you a sign, Jay!
What, the earthquake? You got to be kidding
me.
You say that you're never going to church
again,
and the ground shakes with a vengeance.
I'll prove it to you.
God, if you have a problem with me golfing,
send me a sign!
I mean, throw in a little lightning!
Put on a show!
Don't talk to god like that!
Trust me, if god had a problem with me,
he would let me know without shaking the
whole city.
He would be a little more specific.
I'm not gonna argue with you.
I don't want to get upset.
Vlmanos, Manny.
- I think I'm gonna skip it today. - What?!
I like what Jay said about god being in
nature.
No, no, no, no.
Don't listen to him.
His days are numbered!
Think about it, mom. It makes sense.
God made the trees and the grass.
He didn't make that church.
But he made the people that make the church,
and you're making me angry! Vlmanos.
Just one week.
Can I go golfing with you?
Well, I'm probably gonna have
a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway.
Might as well be you.
Fine! See what I care! go!
Manny. Go change.
Sorry, mom. Hope you understand.
Probably good for us to spend a little time
together.
You're gonna spend eternity together!
Ohh. Damn it!
I suppose that was god, too!
I don't know who did it, but it makes me
happy.
What are you doing?

Hey, buddy.
Oh, just double-checking these straps.
This is an extra.
These babies saved your life.
That's why this cabinet barely moved.
It fell all the way to the couch.
It almost killed me.
No, it didn't.
This cabinet barely moved.
That's just perspective playing tricks on
your mind.
Like if I hold up my thumb, it looks bigger
than your head.
No, it doesn't. It looks tiny.
You have to look at it from over here.
How can I look at my head from over there?
Phil?
Why don't you just lie down?
I got to make sure your mom's still stuck.
So she -- I can get her out.
Don't fall asleep.
Sorry that took -- you filthy...
Sorry that took so long!
I'm gonna go ahead and just take off the
doorknob, okay?
Okay!
There we go.
That's -- oh, damn!
What? What happened?
I, uh, brought the wrong screwdriver,
So I'll be right back!
All right, but hurry up, Phil!
Doing my best, Claire!
Oh, don't talk back, dad! She'll just
ground you!
That's 32 weeks, young lady!
I was at 16 before, right?
What?
Nothing.
Don't judge me until you've had a teenage
girl.
I've had four of them.
God, how did you survive that?
Girls were a piece of cake.
It was the boy.
Every look on his face,
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every stupid decision he made.
The way he sat there, chewing his food like
an idiot.
And then it hit me why this kid drove me
so crazy.
He's me.
Well, all the more reason she should listen
to me.
I can stop her from making the same
mistakes.
Did you listen to your mother?
Ohh, god no.
But, you know, I had a reason.
That woman was a psycho control...
freak.
Hey, mom.
I brought you some soda.
But I couldn't find any straws,
So you'll have to drink it like cats.
Oh! Thank you, Luke!
That's my sweetie.
I was going to bring you wine,
but you finished the big bottle last night.
Okay. Off you go.
Hold this, will you, kid?
You know, Mitchell used to caddy for me.
Of course, he spent most of his time chasing
butterflies.
You won't catch me doing that.
Good for you.
I'm terrified of them.
Huh.
Look at that. That's a perfect shot.
And I hit that with a bent club.
So you're not worried about getting in
trouble?
You know, with god?
Oh, I think he's got bigger things on his
plate.
So you're not worried about hell?
Let me let you in on a little secret, kid.
There is no hell.
Seriously?
No hell?
That's fantastic!
So everyone just goes to heaven?

Yep. End of story.
Even bad people?
Yeah, they're -- they're --
they're in another section, see?
They got this thing figured out.
Can I hit this?
Damn it.
You distracted me.
I didn't say anything!
I could hear you thinking.
I'm thinking about this heaven of yours
that's full of bad people.
Not full. The tiniest fraction.
They're walled in.
What if they break out?
They're surrounded by a lake of fire.
They are fiery lakes in heaven?
This is turning into hell.
Tell me about it.
What are you doing?!
Well, you promised Pepper broken dishes,
so...
I'm breaking this.
No! Not my frog!
I know you think it's tacky,
but I happened to have won this at my first
4-H summer camp
in a hollerin' contest.
Well, we wouldn't have to break anything
if you were a better liar.
If you're trying to make me feel bad
about not being as good a liar as you --
What are you doing?
A hat rack fell through the window,
remember?
Mitchell, wait!
I-I-I can't do this. I quit.
You might be comfortable with all this
lying,
but I'm not.
Oh, please. Where was all this conscience
when I got us into the first-class lounge
at the airport
and you chewed Angela Lansbury's ear off.
You know what you are?
You're like a mob wife.
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Modern.Family.S02E03
You look down at me and my ways,
but you're happy to wear the mink coat
that fell off the back of the truck!
How dare you?
I know. I know.
It really hit us bad.
No.
I'm just always surprised how small this
place is.
Pepper, you didn't have to leave your party
to come check on us.
Great costume, by the way.
This isn't my costume.
I just threw this on to help you clean up.
Well, about your party...
Oh, don't worry about canceling.
At least you have an excuse.
Unlike Steven and Stefan.
They said they had the flu.
Meantime, I just saw them out riding their
bicycle.
Oh, Pepper, that is horrible.
I-I'm gonna make you a cocktail.
Oh, honey. Don't go to any trouble.
I'll just have a Kir Royale.
I mean, my god,
if they didn't want to come to my party,
just say it.
I'm a big boy. I can take it.
Well, since you brought it up, Pepper...
We didn't want to come to your party,
either.
What?
Well, you know we love you,
but they've just gotten to be so much work
over the years, and...
we're all out of cassis.
I can't bear it!
I will make you a Bellini.
Everybody canceled on me!
And now you two!
For 15 years,
I have killed myself setting a community
standard
with my fanciful themed brunches
mounted at great personal expense.

Well, clearly, I've been a fool.
No one likes your brunches, Pepper.
No one likes you.
You're gonna die alone!
In a quaint Spanish revival outside of Palm
Springs...,
Or La Quinta.
Yeah. I told him.
Yeah. Yeah, I puzzled that out.
I just don't understand this bad section
of heaven.
What if they send you to the wrong place?
They make mistakes with paperwork
sometimes.
I was put in a girls' health class last year
and had to watch a very disturbing movie.
Calm down.
Instead of thinking all morning
about what heaven's gonna look like,
what it's not gonna look like, who's where.
If there even is a heaven.
Why don't we just concentrate
on this beautiful, carefree day that's in
front of us?
I'd rather concentrate on something you
just said.
There might not even be a heaven?
I don't know!
You seemed pretty sure of yourself this
morning.
So what happens after you die?
There's just nothing?
Look, you're focusing too much
on one little thing that I said.
It was just a hunch, okay?
A hunch?
I'm skipping church based on a hunch?!
All right, don't freak out on me here, kid.
You're playing pretty fast and loose with
my soul.
Listen. I want you to forget everything
that I said, okay?
Some things can't be forgotten, Jay.
Do you know what menstruation is?
Because I do.
Perfect.
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Modern.Family.S02E03
- Hey! - W-what are you doing?
Aren't you supposed to be getting mom out
of the bathroom?
That is what I was doing.
That is what I was doing.
This c-- this cabinet...
- Was the problem. - How?
Yeah. It's very heavy,
and because it was properly anchored to the
wall,
there's sort of a ripple effect.
It was...
pulling part of the floor down...
and then pushing part of the floor up,
using the bathroom door --
Please don't tell on me.
I don't know who I am anymore!
Who am I?!
I'm a joke!
That's who.
- No. - No.
You're not a joke.
You're Pepper Saltzman.
I think I better just go.
If anything terrible should happen,
don't feel an obligation to attend my
memorial.
New york or L.A..
Pepper?
Pepper, you -- you didn't let me finish.
The reason we didn't want to come to your
party is...
Mitchell?
Seriously?
- Who's a mob wife? - I'm a mob wife.
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
I'm a mob wife.
Okay, um...Pepper,
this is a little embarrassing.
I don't even want to hear it.
Cameron still has feelings for you.
Go on.
Yeah, and it's just -- it's very hard for
him
to be around you, especially at your...
magical brunches where you're just --
 Modern.Family.S02E03
you're -- you're so... magnetic. What happened?
And then I see the way that he looks at you, Dad was incredible!
and... He was running around here turning off the
damn it, pe-- it just makes me so mad gas line,
That I could just... cleaning up broken glass,
Really? and taking care of Luke after he ran into
Yeah, oh, you don't know the pain, Cam! a wall.
Ohh, boys! What?
Boys, I can't stand that I'm coming between I got scared because the cabinet didn't
you! fall down.
Not that I'm surprised. Ohh. I'm sorry.
I admit I have noticed the stolen glances - Well, don't worry about it. - No, I'm
and the yearning in your eyes. sorry.
Okay. Well, y-you'll forgive us, Pepper, Oh... I was so nervous.
if we sit out your next few brunches? I freaked out.
Absolutely. It's all right. It's all right.
I would hate to lose you two. - I think it was a little bit of a rough
I've always thought of you as being like morning. - Yes.
my - Wasn't it? - Yes, it was.
- Sons? - Sons? I don't know about you guys,
"Sons"? but I just want to relax and put my feet
I was gonna say "Brothers." up.
it's like a house of pain! At the Museum of Tolerance. Who's in?
- All right, Claire. - Okay, ready? I am!
- You ready? - I'm ready. You are. Okay. Let's do it.
- All right, on "Go." - Okay, go. There's nothing mystical about an
- All right? Go! - Okay, go! earthquake.
Go! Go! Pressure builds, and it's released.
- Claire! - Oh, god, I got it! And you just hope there's not too much
Ohh! It's moving! It did it! damage.
All right! We got it. But it makes you realize what matters.
- Oh! Thank god! - Go. And for me, that's my family.
Oh, thank god. Thank god. Thank god. I'll put in a good word for you.
Phil? You're the best, kid.
Phil? My family and golf.
Honey -- Phil, where are you? If heaven's in the sky,
Phil... what do you walk on?
Are you kidding me?! Ay, Manny, don't be ridiculous. The clouds.
Not the -- Phil! That makes no sense. Clouds are air.
- Phil! - Hey! You'd fall right through them.
What happened to you? You disappeared for The clouds in heaven -- they're like
20 minutes. trampolines.
We just had to break ourselves out of that Mm, I don't like trampolines.
bathroom. They make me seasick.
I am so happy to see you. Get in here. Manny, stop worrying.
Oh, no. No, no. Seriously. Heaven is a beautiful place

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-【195】-
 Modern.Family.S02E03
with sunshine and rainbows and
butterflies.
- Butterflies?! -Ay, no, no, no, no.
Aah! I didn't say butterflies! Manny,
there's no butterflies!

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-【196】-

Modern.Family.S02E04
Oh my God, that's so freaking funny.
I know, right?
What?
Dad just wrote another classic one. Tell
her.
I don't know about "Classic," but here we
go.
"If you're looking for a two-story house,"
"I'm your man."
"I'll tell you one story before you buy it"
"and then another story after."
No, you didn't!
Tonight is the S.C.A.R.B..
The Southern California Annual Realtor's
Banquet.
I think they know what it is.
It's the mother of all
residential-real-estate banquets.
Now, for the last five years, Gil Thorpe
has hosted,
but as luck would have it,
he's having a sketchy-looking polyp
remove.
So they've asked me to..."Phil in.",
- See what I did? - Oh, yeah.
"Phil."
You think I should open with that?
You betcha. You should.
Phil is gonna bomb.
It's not that he's not fun. He is so fun.
He's just not funny.
It's probably my fault,
because I laugh at all of his jokes.
With my mouth not with my eyes.
"I see the great realtor Margaret Wilson
is here,"
"looking more curvaceous than ever."
"Talk about your balloon payments.",
Gloria, do we have to keep
this Colombia/Brazil soccer game?
Yes, I haven't seen it yet.
It's been sitting in there for five months.
I mean, I can tell you who wins.
And what about this two-hour,
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Modern.Family.S02E04
"Antiques roadshow"?
I'll watch it today.
Fine. I'm gonna play some golf.
No. What about Mirabel's daughter's
Quinceanera?
I honestly didn't get any of that.
Mirabel. She works for you.
Okay.
Her daughter, Rosalba, is celebrating her
Quinceanera,
her 15th birthday.
She invited us. You just going to ignore
it.
Of course not. I get this all the time.
I throw it on my secretary's desk,
and she sends them an Omaha steak.
- Ay, Jay. - What?!
Manny's right.
The Quinceanera is very important in the
Latin Culture.
The moment the father dances with his
little princess.
Ay, I remember my own father holding my
hand.
There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.
But these people don't want me there.
See, they're just being polite.
I'm the boss.
That's what you tell yourself
so you can stay above them.
You just throw them an "Obama" Steak
and run to the golf course.
I'm not trying to stay above them.
I just don't think
I have to go all "arriba, arriba" with them.
- Because you're better than them? - No,
of course not.
I mean, I'm better than some of them.
Do you even know these people, Jay, hmm?
Or they're just the backs you step on?
I know you like to make me out as an elitist,
but the truth is, I'm close with these
people.
Then prove it. Just go to the party.
Fine. One hour. You drive.
'Cause I don't want to give my valet ticket
 Modern.Family.S02E04
to the wrong guy, in front of all those important people.
have you all over me. I can't say anything because --
Ay, Jay. No, no. I get it. I get it. I get it.
Where do you keep popping out from?! Because it would hurt him even more coming
So, Cam has started working out again, from you.
which is -- it's -- it's great. You know, I'm kind of going through
He's feeling good about himself, something similar
and I want him to be healthy, with Cam right now.
So it is all good. - Why? - He's started exercising again.
Except for one thing. Well, that's good for him.
Knock, knock. Yeah. He's wearing bike shorts.
Look who's there. That's bad for you.
Maybe there's a person in this world And I'm the last person who can say
who looks good in bike shorts. anything,
But my boyfriend is not that person. - because he's... - Yeah.
And I-I can't tell him because he gets Okay, wait. No, no. All right.
incredibly sensitive You know the movie "Strangers On A Train"?,
about even the tiniest comment concerning Hm, I never saw it.
his physique. You've never seen "Strangers On A --"
Hey, I think I'm gonna take this spin class I'm sorry. Great film.
tomorrow morning. But it's these guys
Oh, sure. who both discover that they want someone
Oh, I get it. Message received. out of their lives.
I didn't say anything! So one of the guys proposes the perfect
Okay, can't you just run like a normal crime.
person? They will do each other's murders.
What? It's troga. We should do that.
It's what? All right,
You never heard of troga? so I would tell Cam to lose the bike shorts?
I hate it when you do that. Keeping me out of it.
What? And I tell Phil to lose the jokes.
"You've never heard of troga?" I like it. I'm in.
"You never tried octopus?" - All right!- I am in!
"You never did this amazing thing" Hey, Mackenzie. Stop it. It's Alex.
"I just discovered yesterday Hey, so I was thinking later we'd --
but I pretend like I've done my whole life?" Oh, no. Whatever you want.
So, troga is treadmill yoga. Call me later!
It's de rigueur. Or I'll call you later, or --
It's de-dorky. So, who's Mackenzie?
What is your deal today? You don't know her.
I'm sorry. Phil is hosting that thing Oh, I know Mackenzie.
tonight, Cute. Popular.
and -- and he's been writing jokes. I am Mackenzie.
Ooh, yikes. I invented Mackenzie.
I know. And the way she's making my sister run
And I'm worried he's gonna humiliateself around...

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-【198】-

It's -- it's kind of funny, but...
I can't have it. It's bad for the family.
What are you doing? I was about to call --
Mackenzie? Yeah, I know.
Now shut up and let me help you.
The world is divided into two groups --
cool girls and girls like you.
And you have been given a rare opportunity
to move from the former to the latter.
The latter to the former.
Whatever. Oh, my god. You're such a geek.
Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want
to be popular?
I think I want to be popular.
Of course you do.
You just can't be so obvious about it.
You've given Mackenzie way too much power,
and you need to take some of that power
back.
It's her.
Give me the phone.
Here's what you're gonna say --
"Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back
later."
- Then you hang up.- No way!
Then you're not getting the phone back.
Just give it to me.
"Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy.
Call me back later." Then you hang up.
- I can't. - Do it.
- No! - Do it!
Okay! Damn you.
Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back
later.
That was hard.
If it was easy, everyone would be popular.
Knock knock!
Come on in! It's open!
I just wanted to drop off these old baby
clothes for Lily.
Oh, that's right. You're so sweet.
I hope I didn't come at a bad time.
Not at all.
I was just deciding where to take Lily for
our bike ride --
The lake or the park.
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-【199】-
Modern.Family.S02E04
I'm leaning towards the park.
I can see that.
You didn't have to do that.
You guys are a touch old class.
- Well, it is a big night for you, so. -
French.
Those guys.
So, have you given any thought to what you
might say?
Oh, actually, I'm trying not to think about
my act right now.
I'm kind of fighting the old butterflies,
to be honest.
That's normal.
I hear The Jonas Brothers get scared before
every concert.
Not Kevin? The guy's a rock.
Especially Kevin.
I can't believe I ever bought this for Alex.
I wish somebody had said something.
Oh, come on. That was probably cute 10 years
ago.
No, no. It never was.
And you know --
I'm the exact same way about my clothes.
Most of the time, great.
But every now and again, there's that one
outfit.
I just wish somebody would be honest with
me and say,
"What you're wearing is inappropriate."
Do you know what I mean?
I think I do, Claire.
I think I do.
And my answer is yes.
Okay.
I would love to dress you.
No, it -- I don't want you to dress me.
No.
And...I owe it to you to be honest,
so I'm just gonna say
that you need to lose the bicycle shorts.
Excuse me?
They're not working for you, Cam.
Please don't take this personally.
I mean, nobody looks good in bike shorts.

I just -- I feel that I owe it to you to
be honest.
So, we're good, right?
- We're great. - We're great.
- We're great. - Oh, great.
Okay.
You should probably just show yourself out.
I hear -- I hear some crying down the
hallway.
Look at that. That's a good dad.
Because you've got a baby,
and you hear every little sound.
I wouldn't have -- I wouldn't have even
noticed...
crying.
Uh, okay. All right.
All you need to know about this one
is that Skip Woosnum is a well-known
realtor
and he's old.
Got it.
Skip Woosnum. Realtor. Old.
Here we go.
I'm not saying realtor Skip Woosnum is old,
but the first property he ever sold...
was a cave.
You're not, uh...
not laughing.
Why aren't you laughing, uncle Mitchell?
'cause he doesn't think it's funny,
or maybe -- maybe you don't think I'm funny.
Is that what you're saying, Mitch?
No, it's...
I just got it!
Oh. Cave!
- That one's kind of a thinker. - Yes!
There he is.
All right, now.
Knock it off, Jay.
You don't know anyone's name here.
Are you kidding me?
Carlos!
Lucky guess.
I'm lucky only one turned around.
Listen -- I need a favor.
I overestimated the number of people I know
Modern.Family.S02E04
at this party.
So you go around, introduce yourself,
and I'll hear the names.
You realize you're asking me
to help prove my own mother wrong.
I'll pay two bucks per introduction.
All right, well, that's Ramona.
She's crazy for bingo.
Ramona.
Gloria!
Stop being such a snob.
Come over and meet my friend Julio and his
wife --
uh, I'm sorry. Your name again?
Kay?
I think you're really gonna hit it off with
Kay!
I mean, she's gonna tell me how to dress?!
She ought to stick to things she knows more
about,
like overcooking salmon.
Okay, wait.
So, she actually said
that you don't look good in bicycle shorts?
Yes.
"You don't look good in bicycle shorts".
Madness.
Oh, and here she is.
Okay, you know what? I can't be here.
I'm -- I'm going out for some air.
Yes. Yes, go. This -- this could get ugly.
Hello, Claire.
You are a gutless weasel.
Oh, yeah. No.
I heard what you said to my boyfriend.
You told Phil he was hysterical!
You said he was this generation's Richard
Pryor!,
Well, I am not the one that you need to
apologize to.
What are you babbling about? You owe me a
murder.
Okay, Claire, I c -- I couldn't do it.
I couldn't crush Phil's dreams.
We had a deal. I told Cam about the bike
shorts.

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-【200】-
 Modern.Family.S02E04
No! No! I'm shaving off the beard.
The deal was to get Cam to take off the bike Seriously?
shorts. Yeah, well, the man I love doesn't like it,
But guess what -- he is still in the stupid so off it goes.
bike shorts. Well, good.
Can I call you back? -Good. - Great.
Turns out Cam was here the whole time, Great. Okay.
and he just heard everything I said. One...
Ooh. Did he just run into the bedroom and two...
cry? three.
Oh, yes, 'cause that's what all gay men do. Wait!
We all dissolve into -- The fact that you're willing to do it is
Yes. That is what he did. enough for me.
There are challenging moments in every I love your beard.
marriage. I love that when you drink cappuccino, you
Um...having to tell your husband that he's get foam in it
not funny and when you're nervous, your little...
so that he won't humiliate himself hairs twitch.
has to be one of the toughest. Well, you couldn't have told me before took
So I went a different way. a notch out?
Stop talking. I'm sorry. I -- I -- listen.
I just need some time for this wound to I know... I can be touchy about... this.
become a scar. But you're this amazing-looking guy, and
I'm sorry I got Claire involved, --
But -- and this is not a criticism, I am not amazing -
but sometimes you can be a little sensitive Really?
about your...appearance. I wouldn't change anything.
Well, this is a criticism -- You should know that every day,
sometimes you can be insensitive about I wake up very grateful to have you in my
everything. life.
I just can't -- I just feel like I'm the one who got lucky, handsome.
our relationship's strong enough to Maybe I just don't show it enough.
survive a little candor. Well, you can make it up to me by doing my
I mean, look, you could tell me shoulders.,
if there's something about me you'd like Sure.
to change. I meant a massage. What are you saying?
I hate your beard. Oh, Mitchell. Mitchell.
Well, you had that bullet in the chamber. It's Mackenzie.
I never said anything because I never Again.
wanted to hurt you... She wants me to come to this party she's
but I've always found your beard throwing.
off-putting. She texted me earlier.
See? Hurts. You texted her back, right?
Mitchell? No.
Mitchell, get back here! I'm...
What are you doing? proud?

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-【201】-
 Modern.Family.S02E04
- Tell her you'll try and come. - Right. if not for the hard work
And then when she says -- of the S.C.A.R.B. Board of trustees...
Haley... I didn't have my jokes.
I got this. What choice does a guy have but to play it
Who's this? straight?
Brilliant. ...the support of my family,
No, I didn't see it. I get a lot of texts. and Gil Thorpe's colon.
I have a sister. But Phil Dunphy is no straight guy.
When's the party? So many giants of residential real estate
I'll try and come. here tonight.
You know, I'm kind of busy. I have a life. And, of course, J.J. McCubbin.
You know, stuff. I'm not saying J.J. is small,
Homework. but in the realty section, he was described
Uh-oh. as "Charming."
I mean, not homework. Mark Simon, you out there?
It's not work if you love it. There's Mark. How are you, buddy?
Oh, god. Hang up. Hang up. Mark recently moved into a new model.,
Shut up! How are you, Francine?
Not you, Mackenzie. I kid, Mark Simon. I kid, Mark Simon.
Drop the phone and kick it over here! You know that.
Um, I have to go. Trancito, Little Manuel, and Carlos, my
I-I'll call you later. wife, Gloria.
Or you call me later. Nice to meet you.
Love you! We have to talk.
Aah! Aah! Un momento.
Aah! Aah! Mm.
They were right in here! You know, I --
I know, and we looked everywhere, honey, I can't believe you never met them.
so just calm down. You've never met any of these people.
Are you kidding me? "Calm down"? You don't know anyone in this room.
In one minute, Vamos, Jay.
I'm gonna be standing up there like... I'm not leaving before the father/daughter
like a... dance.
Oh, my God. I have no material at all. And "These people," As you call them,
Okay. You're gonna be fine. You don't need are not just employees.
jokes. They're mi familia, or "My family."
Listen to me, honey. I know what "Mi familia" is, Jay.
Get up there. Be your charming self. Oh, I was afraid of this.
Make the introductions from your heart, and No. Jay. No.
get out. Thank you. Thank you.
You're gonna -- You're gonna be amazing, Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you
okay? very much.
Phil Dunphy. I'm gonna make this brief.
Go. Go. I know a lot of you out there don't even
Good evening. know who I am.
I would not be here tonight As my lovely wife, Gloria, pointed out,

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-【202】-
 Modern.Family.S02E04
That's my fault, not yours. I'm sorry I'm awful.
I'm Jay Pritchett, You're not awful.
El jefe. Mm...
Listen -- on this very, very happy Claire...
occasion, I love that you're looking out for me,
I'd like to pick up the tab on the bar. and know why you worry about me.
You know, when I started this company... But I knew I had this tonight.
...the first thing that I -- I know.
What? Sometimes I just think my job
Oh, right. Right, now. Good. Yeah. Is to make sure you guys don't fall on your
This is not about me. faces.
This is about a very special young lady That's a hard job in the Dunphy house.
And the man who loves her more than anyone We fall a lot.
else on earth. I know.
Isn't that lovely? Maybe your real job is to be the person who
That's a beautiful, beautiful thing. picks us back up.
You know, I'm reminded Nobody does that better than you.
of when I used to dance with my little girl. Thank you.
But not like that. Alex.
Slow down, there, muchacho. I have no friends.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You're on the clock.
no. All right.
What, are you applauding this? You're What happened?
applauding this? Oh, my gosh, mom. You're killing me.
I don't care what kind of tradition this It's pretty good, right?
is. Pretty good? You could be, like, in Vegas.
This is gonna stop. Hey, hey, hey, hey. No! Well...
No! What? What? Am I the only one seeing W-w-what's going on there?
this?! Mom does the funniest impression
V-v-vamos! Of that weird lady at the supermarket.
I mean, honey, I am not kidding when I tell Oh, yeah. I know her. Let's hear it.
you Okay. Um...
There was a woman next to me gasping for "It's cheaper
breath. if you buy two jars of pickles."
Seriously, you were so freaking funny, It's like she's right here!
Phil. I know! Yeah.
I have seen professional comedians So like she's right here! I know.
Who could never have done that. That's not what she sounds like.
You were unbeliev--
I know it was you, Claire. You stole my
index cards.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I thought I was protecting you.
And if my plan had been successful,
I would have robbed you of the greatest
night ever.

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Modern.Family.S02E05
Mom. The dog again.
I know baby. I want to strangle that crazy
old thing.
Just ignore it.
It's easy for you to ignore
because you have the old-man hearing.
But Manny and I -- we have the young ears.
I don't get how one dog keeps you awake
when you grew up sleeping through
cockfights and revolutions.
Mm-hmm. Very funny, Jay.
Manny hasn't been able to sleep in weeks.
It's screwing his brain for school.
And it doesn't stop.
It goes on and on and on and on and on and
on
- and on and on and on. - Yes, that could
be annoying.
That's it. I'm going over there.
Gloria, now, don't go starting something
because whenever you do, I'm the one that
--
That she couldn't hear.
They're gone. Cam.
All the children are gone.
What children?
I was running in the park,
and I noticed that none of the kids
Lily usually plays with were there.
- Well, it's still early. - But then I ran
into Lori.
Boobs Lori or adult-braces Lori?
- Great-shoes Lori. - Oh, I like her.
And she said that they all sent their kids
to preschool.
What?! We agreed to wait till next year.
It was a fake-out to make sure that their
kids got a spot.
Those skinny bitches.
We have got to get her into school, Cameron,
or else she's gonna fall behind.
Don't you think I know that?
This is perfect.
Oh, leave it to the gays
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【204】-
Modern.Family.S02E05
to raise the only underachieving Asian in
America.
Okay, here you go.
Guys, breakfast.
Guys. Phil. Hello.
Totally with you.
Kids, put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Okay, no. That's it.
Everybody, gadgets down now!
Why are you freaking out?
Because you're all so involved with your
little gizmos,
nobody is even talking.
Families are supposed to talk.
What are you doing that's so important?
Oh, I'm locking in my fantasy roster.
I'm unbeatable.
We're totally getting an aboveground pool.
Die, stupid, die!
Luke, I told you to put that down now.
Come on, buddy.
One second. I'm about to beat dad's record.
You heard your mother.
What is so funny?
Nothing.
"Mom's insane." Thank you, Haley.
At least we talk.
Hello.
Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?
Uh, well, our kids went to Wagon Wheel.
And it was good? You liked it?
Oh, well, you know my kids
are middle-management material at best.
Didn't want to waste a lot of money --
Yes, Mitchell, it's good.
Why the interest?
I just realized that all of Lily's friends
are going to school this year, and now she's
late.
Don't worry. She can wait another year.
Just buy her a Blackberry,
that's all she's gonna want to do anyway.
What did she say?
She says to buy her a Blackberry.
Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that,
Claire!
 Modern.Family.S02E05
What is happening? About that obnoxious parrot of yours
Can you just check with your school That's always squawking.
and see if maybe you can get us in? Parrot?
Hmm. I-I can probably get you an interview. What parrot?
Oh, no. That's great. That's great. Jay!
Thank you. I really appreciate it. Jay!
Oh, and, by the way, what do you think Jay!
of that place Billingsley Academy? What is he talking about? What parrot?
Ooh. Billingsley. Very hoity-toity. How the hell do I know?
You can't get in there unless you're really So, what do we do now?
rich Nothing. We did it. He heard us.
or you know somebody on the board. He didn't hear nothing.
Oh, god, this is a nightmare. Jay, don't go. Jay!
Mitch, it's preschool. Don't overthink it. Jay! Jay!
My kids didn't go to Billingsley, Okay, we have called this family meeting
and they are fine. Because the personal electronics have
I have to go. gotten out of control.
Phil. Starting today, there's going to be a
That's awesome. one-week ban
- Buenos dias. - Hi. -On all cellphones, texting, -oh!
We haven't formally met. Im'ing, video chatting, video-gaming,
I'm Gloria Pritchett from next door. -Anything on the internet. -How am I
Larry Paulson. Yeah, I've seen you. Mm. supposed to do my homework?
Lucky guy. The way I did.
Wait a minute, then tell me. With a chisel and a piece of stone.
Your dog doesn't stop barking. -Phil. -Can't unplug my funny bone.
All morning, all night. I have a huge science paper due.
He wakes my son up, And we have a great set of
and he needs his sleep. encyclopedias...Somewhere.
It's not my dog. It's my soon-to-be What do you think the public library is for?
ex-wife's. I thought that was a bathroom for homeless
She moved out three weeks ago. people.
Is she coming back for it? Can I still play plants vs. Zombies?
Not unless it starts crapping money. Are you not listening?
Well, you need to do something about the -But you learn about plants. -Mm-hmm.
dog. And plants are life.
The dog is old and stupid. Are you against life?
Who are you really mad at, Larry? How am I supposed to talk to my friends?
The dog or your wife? Talk to them at school.
Who the hell is this kid? Or at a juice bar.
Hey, there's no need for that. Or on the house phone.
I'll tell you who he is. Nobody even knows our number.
His name is "shut up your damn dog"! I don't even know our number.
You know what's ironic? So, you're saying dad's not going to go
You come over here complaining online?
And I have never once said a word -Yep. -Dad?

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-【205】-

-That's right. -What about fantasy
football?
Not a problem. My team's set this week.
I am completely on board
your mother's horse and buggy to
yesteryear.
For the next week, I may as well be Amish.
Jebediah Dunphy.
Raising barns, witnessing murders,
Making electric fireplace hearths.
Oh! This is so unfair!
You know what?
We're gonna make this fun.
Turn it into a game.
Whoever stays unplugged the longest, wins.
Not what I had in mind, Phil.
-What do we win? -What do you want?
I want a new computer.
Done
We're gonna get them off of electronics
with the promise of more electronics?
-I want chicken pot pie. -And chicken.
I want a car.
-No way! -Done!
Yeah, I'm getting a car!
-Yeah, fun, right? -Phil!
We cannot afford a third car.
Relax. They're never gonna last as long as
us.
Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way,
but I have almost no faith in you.
Joanie will be right out.
She's just finishing up another interview.
Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
- You're welcome. - I really like this
place.
- Look at all these drawings. - I know.
And did you see the duckies in the yard?
- Lily loves duckies. - I know.
I'm gonna mention that.
Okay, well, do,
because that's really gonna set her apart
from the rest of the kids.
We should also mention
how she always perks up when we watch
"Charlie Rose."
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-【206】-
Modern.Family.S02E05
That was one time. He was interviewing
Elmo.
You boys ought to relax.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- We just -- we really want to make a good
impression. - Mm.
Gay adoptive parents with a minority baby?
Sugars, you can get into any school you
want.
What was that? Really?
Oh, you didn't know that?
oh, yeah.
All of these schools like to brag about
their diversity.
You're diverse times three.
In demand.
You're like Jimmy Buffett tickets
to these hybrid-driving, straight white
folks.
I hear that, girl.
Yeah.
I'm coming!
Where the hell is the dog?
-Who is it? -It's our neighbor.
The dog is gone.
Maybe it ran away.
It was chained to a tree.
Maybe your wife took it.
According to my credit card, my wife is in
europe,
searching for the world's most expensive
hotel.
Then what do you want from us?
You come over complaining about the dog
And the next day it's gone?
You tell me.
-I'll tell -- -how dare you?
You come to our house, you ring our bell
many times,
And you accuse us of taking your dog.
You should go home.
-We're not done here. -Yes, we are.
What did you do?
You don't want to know.
Gloria's grandfather and uncles were
butchers,

so she's always had a certain comfort level
when it comes to...Killing.
One time, we had this rat...
What? First you smash it,
then you cut the head off.
It was like nothing to her.
I go to church now.
She left the head out there
To send a message to the other rats.
- Hey. - Hi, honey.
How was your day at work?
Amazing. Mwah.
Great. What happened?
Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing
the web,
checking football stats,
I put on some mellow music,
and I meditated.
Wow. For how long?
I have no idea. I just woke up 20 minutes
ago.
Hey, mom.
I need a bar of soap and a black marker for
an art project.
Okay. Well, the marker's over there,
and the soap is under the sink.
Isn't it great how much time you have
now that you're not wasting it online?
Oh, my god. Is this what you always sound
like?
Look what I built, dad. Dunphy towers.
200 condos, a happy family in every one.
Way to go, buddy.
I got to hand it to you, honey.
24 hours without video games,
he's already contributing to society.
Die! Die!
To be fair, he's using his imagination.
There's no fire escapes!
They cut corners!
I'll cut your corners!
Hello?
Oh, hi. Luke, honey, it's for you.
Hi, Griffin. How are you?
Yeah, he's right here. Hold on.
Hey, Griffin.
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Modern.Family.S02E05
- Oh, my God! - What happened?
There's a parasailing-donkey video on
Youtube.
Oh, my god!
Wait, Luke. What about the contest?
I quit.
I'm not made of stone, you know.
Uhh! I can't believe it.
I got a "B" on my paper.
- Good for you. - Yeah.
No, it would be good for you.
It's terrible for me.
Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias,
my take on mitosis was completely out of
date.
They don't even call it protoplasm anymore.
It's cytoplasm.
Well, you could have asked one of us.
Now you're making jokes?
- I'm not making a joke. - Really?
What's the difference between a gamete and
a zygote?
Don't fall for it, Claire.
She's just making up words.
That's it.
I need the internet.
I'm out of your stupid contest.
And then there were three.
She's kind of scary.
We're not buying her a car.
Hey, buddy, what you reading?
"The old man and the sea."
You like it?
I like that Hemingway gets to the point.
You read a lot of his stuff?
That was a hint, Jay.
Oh, okay.
I want to ask you something...
between you and me.
You want to know if I think my mom
did something to that dog.
- Yeah. - Sit.
Don't most kids drink soda?
Who knows what they do?
So, your mom.
Jay, I've learned a few things in my 12

years.
Don't skimp on linens,
don't compliment a teacher on her figure,
and when it comes to my mom,
never ask questions I don't want the
answers to.
I don't buy it. Sensitive kid like you.
I think you want to know every bit as much
as I do.
You're wrong.
Then why is your hand shaking?
This is my fifth one of these today.
I may have a problem.
Okay. That's enough.
No, no, no, 4:00 tomorrow is fine.
Yeah, my life partner and I will see you
then.
Thank -- thank you.
Since when do you call me your life partner?
Since a spot opened up at Billingsley
Academy.
But I liked Wagon Wheel. It had all the
duckies.
And it reminded me of where I went in
Missouri.
Cam, everyone goes to Billingsley for a
reason --
It's the Harvard of preschools.
She's not even 2 years old yet.
She doesn't need the Harvard of Preschools.
She needs finger painting and duckies.
I'm begging you to please just say "Ducks."
Hello?
Great news. Wagon Wheel loved you.
- You're in. - Oh.
Wagon Wheel wants us.
Oh, yes!
Okay. Well, that's great and everything,
but actually we have an appointment
tomorrow
- At Billingsley. - Really?
Yeah, apparently we are in very high
demand.
Oh, well, just so you know, I don't think
Wagon Wheel
is gonna hold a place for you.
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Modern.Family.S02E05
Well, I think we're gonna take our chance.
Take our chance? That sounds chancy.
You know, Mitchell,
you were the one who called me in a panic.
You were the one who needed me to get you
in.
I'm sorry, Claire.
I didn't mean to put you out.
But let's not get too dramatic here.
You wrote an e-mail.
It wasn't an e-mail.
It was a phone call from a land line.
What did you do?
- What's best for Lily. - Did you?
Cam, this is the first time that being gay
is a competitive advantage.
They're choosing teams for gym class,
and we're finally getting picked first.
I always got picked first.
I could throw a dodgeball through a piece
of plywood.
But I see your point.
Don't sneak up on me like that.
What are you doing out here?
You got in my head about my mom.
Is that the rat shovel?
Yeah.
Are you checking it for signs of dog?
I was going to.
Well, let's do this quick.
If she catches us,
we're as dead as that dog probably is.
- What are you doing here? - Nothing.
Why are you looking at that shovel?
Do you think someone
did something with that shovel, Manny?
He thinks you killed the dog.
You little rat.
Don't call me a rat!
She kills rats!
You really think that I would kill a dog?
Well, what was I supposed to think?
I don't know.
How about I didn't kill a dog?
Just tell me what you did with it.
He's in a better place.

That's what people say when something's
dead.
Okay, fine.
I took him to a farm
where he has plenty of room to run.
That's the second thing people say when
something's dead.
My hairdresser's brother has three kids.
They live in the country.
They were so happy to have the dog
that they gave me a jar of pickles.
Is that also what they say when something
is dead?
Really?
Look. Look how happy they are,
instead of him being tied to a tree outside
with no one to talk to.
Why didn't you just tell me this in the
first place?
Like you would be okay with me stealing a
dog?
- No. - Exactly.
That's why I didn't tell you.
Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep,
and we have pickles.
Okay, it worked out this time,
but don't forget that stealing is against
the law.
- Now, maybe in Colombia. - Ah, here we go,
because in Colombia we trip over goats
and we kill people in the street.
Do you know how offensive that is?
Like we are Peruvians!
The contest was hard.
Reservations.
Even though we had sworn off the internet,
the rest of the world hadn't.
Orlando.
Domestic.
Representative.
Representative!
Representative! Representative!
You've got mail.
- Really, Claire? - You don't understand.
I was trying to deal with our plane tickets
to visit your family.
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Modern.Family.S02E05
Please stop. You're just embarrassing
yourself.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me,
old man.
Bring it.
And finally, here we are back at the office.
If you two would like to take a seat,
I will let Mr. Plympton know that you're
here.
- Thank you. - Yes, thank you.
This place is amazing!
I told you.
It's like Hogwarts!
The ladybug sanctuary.
Oh, my gosh. The little cobblestones.
So sweet. I know.
Screw the duckies. We belong here.
Do you think they're gonna let us in?
Cam, relax.
We're queer, we're here.
Yes, we are.
Okay. Just a few more minutes.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Hi. I'm Stephanie Kaner.
And this is Javar.
We have an interview with Mr. Plympton.
Wonderful. These two are first. You'll be
next.
Single white mother, black child.
So what?
Lily's asian. We're gay.
In the school admissions poker game,
we're the winning hand.
Oh, honey, sorry.
My partner Kavita.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hello. Nice to meet you.
It will be just a few minutes.
Disabled interracial lesbians with an
african kicker.
Did not see that coming.
It's been a while since I read an actual
newspaper.
Miss that sound.
- No, no, no, no! - What is it?
 Modern.Family.S02E05
Brady's injured. I carved it out of a bar of soap
No! He's my whole team. and colored it in with a marker.
I have to change my roster. Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar
Honey, if you can't do it over the phone, of soap.
You can't do it, because we're not buying I can't believe it! I'm getting a car!
Haley a car. Holy crap. We've been shawshanked.
- Yeah. - Yeah. Sorry about the delay.
Yeah. I was going over the plans for our new dance
Well... studio.
Well, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. Wow.
Phil Dunphy, don't you even dream of it. So, tell me about yourselves.
Claire, all my friends are in that league. Uh, well, I'm a lawyer.
- I'm gonna like an idiot. - So what? Many of our applicants are attorneys.
So I paid a huge entrance fee. Of course.
- How huge? - Not huge. Tiny. What sets you apart?
Oh, my goodness. How is she not cracking Um, well, I --
up there? While my white-man name is Tucker,
Listen to her. I am 1/16 Cherokee.
No, I know, but do you know? Ready for child to soar like eagle.
Wait a minute. She's alone. Oh, god.
So? So, what are you saying?
She's alone. You're not getting a car.
Oh, my god. But I won.
I know. You should see her pants. Yes, but we never thought you would.
I'll text it to you. So?
Oh, wait. Okay. Hold on. I'll send it. So, congratulations on your victory.
Ha! Aha! Aha! Busted! Nobody can ever take that away from you.
Sophie, I have to call you back. So true. Mm-hmm.
I knew it. I knew you couldn't do it. But I spent two days in my room
I told you I'd outlast them. talking to a bar of soap.
- This sucks! - What's going on? It's not fair.
I'll tell you what's going on. It's totally not fair.
I win. We're outraged.
Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady, Bad parenting.
and our long amish nightmare is over. But we had a deal.
I can't believe you thought Which, in hindsight, was utter nonsense.
you were gonna put one over on us. Hey.
I can't believe We hated Billingsley.
that he's actually already on the internet. The place is so stupid. Ugh!
Believe it, girl. You blew the interview, didn't you?
- So, you're actually online right now? - Lesbians.
Yep. In a wheelchair.
Well, then I hate to break it to you, daddy, Oh.
but you lose. You still mad at me?
- What? - What? You tell me.
This isn't my phone. What is this?

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-【210】-
 Modern.Family.S02E05
I've been thinking if you said as much about
America
as I said about Colombia, I'd be plenty
ticked off.
Doesn't make up for everything, but...
A trip to Colombia?
I want to see your village, learn your
culture.
I love you.
I'm sure I'm gonna love where you come from.
Aw, Jay. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
No way he's going to my village.
I was in two car accidents when I was living
there.
Both times I hit a goat.
One was hurt pretty bad.
But it was a good thing I had a shovel in
the trunk.
The tribe builter fortold that
though I lay with fire-haired man,
the giving hawk would bring us baby
with her skin the color of sweet corn,
which my people call maize.
Please stop.
Well, um...
Knowledge is her sustenance,
like so much maize --
which, you'll remember, means "Corn."
What if I was a single dad?

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-【211】-
 Modern.Family.S02E06
personally
Modern.Family.S02E06 by an incident long ago.
- Hi honey, breakfast will be ready in a Now it's just a day I have to get through.
minute. - Hi. So you've said.
My ha-a-a-nd! All right, so, everybody has to be here at
Very funny, mom. 5:30
I know it's Halloween. to rehearse our house of horrors.
Nice fake hand. You guys have your costumes ready?
We love Halloween. Yeah, but it's a secret.
Especially Claire. Me and Manny came up with something
It's my favorite holiday. together.
Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary I love that!
things. - Can I have some candy? - No.
If there was a new horror movie in town, How 'bout you, Alex?
I was the first in line. Well, I haven't really thought about it.
"One, please." I've got, like, three huge exams tomorrow.
Then I met Phil. Honey, you can't just slap something
"Two, please." together at the last minute.
Okay. You know, if you gave this costume half as
All right. Do me. much time
Do me, do me, do me. and attention as you give your homework,
Cam, I have to say, I feel kind of sexy. you wouldn't be in this situation.
Well, squeaky sexy, but... Can I remind you, you have one child who's
You know I'd be enjoying this more not mediocre?
if Halloween wasn't such a tough day for Check it. I'm a scary black cat.
me. The only person that costume scares is me.
But I want you to go to work... - Go change it. - To what?
and knock their socks off. I don't know. One of your old costumes.
Well, my last job was at a pretty Honey, trust me.
conservative law firm. I am sparing you an entire day of guys
No one there would ever dress up for asking you
Halloween. if you have a rough tongue.
But apparently at this new company... Hello.
Um, right now I'm thinking either vampire Hi. Dad. It's me.
or werewolf. I wanted to make sure you and Gloria were
Every year it's harder to decide. ready for tonight.
Wait, wait, wait. I-I'm sorry. - What's tonight? - What do you mean, what
Wait. So people really come to work in is tonight?
costumes here? Dad, it's Halloween. You know this.
Are you kidding? It's epic, bro! Calm down, Morticia, I'm just teasing you.,
Epic. We'll be there.
I'm already the new guy. Yeah, but in costume this time.
I don't want to be the nonpartipation guy, You can't just show up with a backwards
too. baseball cap
Not on my watch. and call yourself Snoop Dogg like you did
Unfortunately, Halloween was marred for me last year.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【212】-

I didn't even know who that guy was.
Haley turned my hat around and told me to
say it.
I thought he was a dog detective.
Listen, don't worry. We got the whole thing
worked out.
Bye-bye.
- Hola, Jay! - Where are you?
I have Manny in the carpool,
and we're going to the dropout.
Dropout? You mean that Eddie kid?
Yeah, he's a moron.
No, the dropout,
where you drop the kids in the school.
She means "Drop-off."
That's what I said.
Listen, did you ever do anything about
costumes
for Claire's thing tonight?
I'm going to pick them up this afternoon.
You're going to be a "Gargle,"
and I'm gonna be an evil village bruja.
I know less now than I did before I asked.
Hmm. A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is
a gargle.
She means "Gargoyle.",
That's what I said.
As long as you got it covered.
Because if Claire doesn't get her
Halloween,
she turns into a real "Rhymes with
'bruja.'"
Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm the only one.
At lunch, I'll let you wear my fangs.
Look at those tools.
Every year. What a couple of douches.
Ohh. Oh, no.
Hello?
There are exactly three people in costume
here -
A tool, a douche, and me.
And I don't have time to go home and change
and -
Calm down.
Did you bring in the dry-cleaning from last
night?
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-【213】-
Modern.Family.S02E06
Are you really getting on me about the
dry-cleaning wh-
Oh. I have suits in the trunk.
Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures
today'crazy.
Yes. Thank you! Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, there you are.
Hey, I need you in the Lampkin meeting.
-If I could just maybe have -Five minutes.
O-kay.
-Okay, hey. First legal question. -Yeah?
Can I fire those idiots for no reason?
Oh, my gosh.
-Those are some major guns you got there.
-Eh, yeah.
Why won't this...
Hey, Jerry.
Hey, Phil. Looking good.
Thanks. Wait till you see what we got
planned for tonight.
Claire and I are going as corpse bride and
groom.
As if there's any other kind, am I right?
-I'm saying marriage kills you. -Judy left
me.
Oh, my god.
I am so sorry.
When someone your age dies,
What's the first thing you want to know?
"Died of what?" Right?
You want to hear it was something
That could never happen to you.
Well, it's the same with divorce.
Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical
abuse.
No problem. I'm a monogamous social
drinker,
And Claire only sleep-hits me.
Just don't tell me it came from out of the
blue.
I was totally blindsided.
I guess somewhere along the way
She stopped finding me delightful.
Well, that's - that's coconuts.
You're super delightful.

Not to Judy.
She used to laugh at everything I had to
say,
But now I can't even remember what her laugh
sounds like.
Claire can do it. It's uncan-
I should go back inside.
I have a dish to wash.
Okay, but, hey...
Jerry, if you need anything, all right?
I'm your rock.
You are not gonna believe this.
Judy just left Jerry.
Oh, yeah. She was so unhappy.
How's he doing?
He's not taking it as well as you are.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I don't mean to be
insensitive.
I've just got a lot to get done.
I don't find you insensitive. I find you
delightful.
Do you find me delightful?
Oh, god, I just remembered!
Jerry's supposed to be our porch scarecrow.
Can you ask him if he'll still do it?
He's kind of a mess right now.
Yeah, but it might make him feel better be
around people.
I'll try...
But his whole world just turned upside
down.
Can you imagine?
One minute, you're happily married,
The next minute, you're completely by
yourself.
I don't need excuses. I need this lawsuit
to go away.
Now, who's responsible for the Keith
deposition?
uh, well, I was, "Shir."
But, uh, in my defense, I "Wash" told
Take those stupid fangs out, Dale.
For starters, it's daytime.
Vampires sleep during the day...
which you may soon have plenty of time for.
I'm sorry, but I was told that we didn't
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need Keith.
Who told you that?
I-I-I may have. I may have done that, sir.
Well, that's disappointing.
But at least Mitchell's new here.
Twilight, you're not.
So get it done. Meeting adjourned.
Client's waiting for us in my office. We're
already late.
-Ohh. -Let's roll.
-Ah, you've really been hitting the gym.
-Yeah.
What the hell is that noise?
Every time I tried to get out of that
costume,
I got dragged into another meeting.
It was the worst Halloween ever.
Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween
ever?
You had squeaky thighs.
I lost a childhood.
Jay! This came for you.
Oh. Hi, honey. What is it?
I called your secretary and told her
to order you some crackers
and those cheeses that you like -
the tiny, little ones.
Thanks. Did you pick up my "Gargle" Costume,
too?
-Are you making fun of me? -No.
First, Manny correcting me. And now you?
If I have a problem, I want to know, Jay.
Honey, look, English is your second
language.
You're doing great.
Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my
feelings.
I want you to be honest with me.
Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny,
little mistakes
you might want to take a look at.
-Like what? -Just little mispronunciations.
Like, for example
Last night, you said, "We live in a
doggy-dog world."
-So? -Well, it's "Dog-eat-dog world."
 Modern.Family.S02E06
Yeah, but... businessmen?
that doesn't make any sense. Change it. Go.
Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat Jerry is a no-go on the crow.
each other? You've been over there this whole time?
A doggy-dog world is a beautiful world Yeah, he was venting. I couldn't break
full of little puppies! free.
What else do I say wrong? God...
Well, it's not "Blessings in the skies." You are sexy.
It's "Blessings in disguise." Honey...
What else? Not so fast. I don't think we're done here,
"Carpal tunnel syndrome" my darling.
is not "Carpool tunnel syndrome." It's okay. I need to get down.
And what else? Oh, we can get down. We can get way down.
It's not "Volumptuous." Oh, god!
Okay, enough. I know that I have an accent. Phil!
But people understand me just fine! No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
What the hell is this? Okay.
I told you, Jay, I called your secretary Oh, no.
and told her to order you a box of baby No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.
cheeses. Okay. Focus, Mitchell. Focus. Focus.
Oh, so now that is my fault too. Hello?
Oh, yeah, can you tell Claire I'm trapped in a men's room,
that I'm not really up for being the And all I have on is the spider-man suit.
scarecrow? Hot. Who is this?
Judy and I used to love Halloween. Somebody took my shirt, and all the rest
It's her favorite holiday. of my clothes are all "Toilety."
-Huh. -You know? I'm screwed.
Gosh, I hate to think of you sitting in Why don't you just tell Charlie the truth?
there alone, I can't. I already messed up once today.
running through all this in your head. And I can't risk it.
What could you have done differently? I-I have another suit in my trunk,
What could you have done differently? But I can't get to the car without going
It's actually a little hard for me to talk through the office.
about. You know what's ironic?
Don't push me away. I'm not Judy. Who could really help you right now
I could've been more spontaneous. is spider-man.
I-I-I could've tried to have been more fun He's here.
and sexy Okay. Okay. Okay.
like I was in the old days. No.
Spontaneous and sexy. I got it. Yep. No, no, no, no, no, no.
And remember, I'm here for you, okay? No, no, no.
Ohh! Son of a... Um, o-okay. Okay.
What the hell is that?! Behold, my creation.
What? You told me to put on an old costume. Monster, do my bidding!
Not from when you were 8. I do as you command, master.
Are you trying to get candy or Japanese Okay. Mom.

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-【215】-

You cannot have a problem with this.
I'm mother Teresa.
Are you kidding me?
What? I'm her back when she was hot.
I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes.
Bet it's the first time you ever heard that
one.
Okay. You know what? Here. Here we go.
Let's just cover you up.
All right, now, I just want to run through
this,
really quick with everybody.
Um, first, it's "Trick or treat?"
And then, Phil...
- "Come in if you dare." - Right, and then
dad does
the thunder and the lightning and the fog.
Usher the children in past Alex in her cage.
- I'm in a cage? - Yes!
You're in a house of horrors being held
against your will.
Yeah,I know, so why do we need the cage?
And then Gloria pops up
as the evil village bruja, and she says,
"Welcome to your nightmare.
Ah ha ha ha ha!"
and the Cam and Haley do their thing.
Kids get their candy. They are ushered out.
They think it's all over, but it's not!
Because out on the porch,
the scarecrow pops to life.
Wow! For one final "Aah!"
And that's - Mitchell, you're the srecrow!
Oh, no, no.
I was in a costume all day. It was awful.
It's nothing compared to when I was
- You don't own bad halloweens. - Don't I?
We get it, Cam. Hard day.
Mitchell, please. The costume's in the
kitchen.
Come on.
All right, Claire, Claire.
Before you go, I just want you to know...
Okay. The wig. That, that's...
I love you more...
That's nice. Thanks, honey.
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You're my best friend!
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Wow. God, you guys look great.
Thank you, Phil. I try my best.
You look very dead-like.
Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry.
Oh, no, no, Jay.
For now on, I only speak in proper american,
so I don't embarrass you.
Did she just get back from the dentist?
She's mad at me because I told her
sometimes people can't understand her.
Make it right, Jay.
We're all just hanging by a thread.
Hey! Dad! Oh, you look great!
Oh, good. Okay, Gloria's in position.
Hi, Gloria. There you go.
Right back here.
Claire, I don't know that I'm - I'm feeling
up to this.
Why, Cam? Why?
What happened that is so awful
you simultaneously can't speak of it
and yet can't stop talking about it?
I can't. It's too emotional.
Okay. Some other time.
- I was 10. - Oh, god.
Dressed as Quasimodo on a front porch
with my best friend, Timmy Reglar, a
ghostbuster.
There was a bucket of candy with a sign.
- It said "Take one." - One.
Timmy took the entire bucket and put it in
his bag.
Timmy didn't play by the rules.
It's what I liked and feared about him.
Then the bag broke as a crowd of kids
rounded the corner, saw the pile of candy.
Timmy said, "Cam did it!"
- Trick or treat? - Oh, good.
Aren't you glad yo got that out?
Okay, everybody, our first victims!
This is not a rehearsal. You ready? You
ready?
- Yes. Yes. - Okay.
Come in...if you dare.

Dad.
Huh? Oh. L-let me see.
Thank you for joining us on our sp-
No, no, no. First the thunder and the
lightning!
Yeah, right. I got it.
Perfect.
Thank you for joining us...
on our special night.
Other children haven't fared so well.
Welcome to your nightmare. Ha ha ha ha!
What the hell is that?
Can, uh -- can we just get our candy?
OK, but beware of the fog,
for you may not be able to see...
"ahead."
Boop. Timmy started running.
I wanted to run too,
but my hunch got stuck on a rose bush
and that's when I fell.
I fell hard.
I can see his feet.
Okay. Here, children, have some candy.
Happy Halloween.
Ok. That was bad. That was a bad start.
Er... First of all, dad, thunder,
lightening, fog cue.
And we skip Alex all together.
And...Gloria, since when do you speak
English?
Oh, so now you have a problem with the way
I speak?
Like father like daughter. In this
dog-eat-dog family.
Trick or treat?
Okay. Places, places.
Good, Mitchell's gone.
Honey, I love you so much!
Not now, not now.
Come in...if you dare.
- Dad. Dad. - What? Oh, right, right.
- Phil, it's you. - No, dad, fog, fog.
Thank you for joining us...
on our special night.
Other children haven't fared so well.
Oh, help me, help me.
Modern.Family.S02E06
Welcome to your nightmare. Ha ha ha ha.
Now your treats are over here
but with all the fog
you may not be able to see
"ahead".
And everyone was screaming
"That's him! Get Quasimodo!"
And then the townspeople started chasing
me!
And that's when I wet my pants!
I wet my pants! I wet my pants.
This place is weird. Let's go.
Mother of god.
Ohh! Son of a...
What is wrong with everyone?!
Cam, "townspeople"? Really?
I lived on a farm. They lived in town.
They were the townspeople.
And, dad! Dad!
It goes -- lightning, thunder, fog cue!
This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.
Claire just doesn't understand, Cam.
Maybe she's never been picked on for being
different.
When, Gloria?
When have you ever been picked on
for "being different"?
Ask the "Gargle."
What did she say?
Gloria!
I think she went insane.
She's not insane. She's my mother.
I'm your mother now!
Gloria...
I want to tell you a story...
about a guy eating in a diner, alone.
Behind him he hears a woman talking.
He doesn't turn around, 5 minutes, 10
minutes.
Just listening to the woman,
the life in her voice.
And before he even sees her
He realizes he's fallen in love.
Now, I'll give you a guess who that guy is.
Aw, my dad was --
Oh, my god!

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-【217】-

You know what? I'm just gonna go.
No. Come on, Cam.
Uh, if uncle Cam is leaving,
I'm just gonna go upstairs and study.
Yeah, I have a party to go to, so...
Ohh! She punched me in the face!
He came out of nowhere, and he scared
the baby "cheeses" out of me!
Hey, you're talking normal again.
Oh, I loved the story about the old man.
Well, nobody said "old".
- Oh, Cam, can we please just go? - Yes.
Yeah, go, please. I don't care.
Oh, Claire.
No, no.
I'm done. I'm done.
I'm not done. So not done. Look, here's the
thing.
We - we have reworks at Christmas now
because that's what they do in Colombia,
and I don't mind.
Thanksgiving - that used to be me roasting
a turkey,
until the gays took it over
with whatever new turkey-cooking craze it
is
that you saw on the Food Network.
And, I'm fine with that too.
All I ask - all I ask is that you leave me
Halloween.
Yeah, Halloween.
I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday
for a grown woman to care about this much.
But it is my crazy-ass holiday.
Mine.
That's a lot of complaining from somebody
who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey
last year.
Claire.
No! No! Not ready to talk!
No.
Listen...
I know I haven't been much help today.
That - that whole Jerry and Judy thing,
it really hit me hard.
Is that why you've been acting like such
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a nut all day?
- You know, what if someday that's us? -
Honey!
Okay, you - you might not want to hear this
right now
after the meltdown I just had in there,
but...
you're kind of stuck with me.
You promise?
I do.
Oh. That's great.
Trick or treat?
We should just put out a bowl of candy
and have a cocktail, right?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Come in if you dare.
thank you for joining us on our special
night.
Other children haven't fared so well.
-Help me! Help me! -She's doing it.
- Welcome to your nightmare, muchachos! -
No!no!
But with all this fog, it might be hard to
see "ahead."
-Yeah! -Yeah!
We're back in the game! Let's go!
I love it! I love it!
Whoa! That was for you.
-That was for you. I just did it for you.
-No, it wasn't.
Oh, and one time she says don't joke
or I'll have to give you the "Hindenburg
maneuver".
Oh, one time she caught me staring off.
And she goes, "Cam, what's wrong?,
You look like a deer in head lice!".
In the service, I had a job, briefly,
handling explosives.
Which sounds dangerous, but it's not.
You store them at the right temperature,
you have no problems...
If you tell her she doesn't have a choice,
She'll say, "don't you give me an 'old
tomato.'"
- Or when she says - Okay! Enough!
You try speaking in another language!
 Modern.Family.S02E06
Everybody out of my house!
...until you do.

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-【219】-

Modern.Family.S02E07
- What are you doing? - Shh.
One of the smoke alarms is chirping.
I'm trying to figure out which one it is
so I can change the battery.
Well, if anybody can find it it's you.
You s-sound horrible.
Why don't...why don't you go back to bed?
'Cause I've got too much to do.
I've got to make the ladyfingers for the
bake sale,
and I've got to go by the gym --
I left my phone there yesterday.
I'll do all that.
We're a team.
When one of us is weak, we lean on the other.
Honey, you don't have to do that stuff.
Honey, with all you do for me,
including going to the gym four times a week
to keep me interested, I got this.
Don't you have houses to show today?
They...canceled.
Ohh, pumpkin.
Are you kidding me?
It's...lucky.
This way I get to stay here and take care
of you.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy.
- Hey. - Is Haley ready for school?
She's on her way down.
Don't get too close to my wife.
Haley told you about that?
It's just a dream.,
Oh, god.
Okay, that came from the kitchen.
I-I thought it was in here.
Really?
Okay, you wait in here and listen for it.
I'm gonna wait in there.
I mean, it's the least I can do...
after...Well, you know.
I'm coming with you.
Boy, I wish Haley would date some other
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-【220】-
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boys.
What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
Don't.
I just feel like she owes it to herself
to see what else is out there.
The way that Dylan's always hanging around
here,
he's probably gonna try to marry her
the second she turns 18.
Hey, you never know.
Maybe those two were meant to be
together...
like we were.
Honey, Haley and Dylan are not us.
No, I think that amount will be fine.
I'm just happy you want Lily.
I-I think you're gonna be very happy with
her.
Okay. Oh!
Cam? Did you just sell our baby?
No, but do you remember that agent we met
that represents child actors,
the one who said Lily might have what it
takes
and gave us his card?
Yeah, that I threw away.
That I fished out of the trash?
That was him on the phone they're shooting
a children's-furniture-store commercial
today,
and they want Lily!
Look, I threw away that card for a reason.
Come on, it'll be fun,
and Lily will be on TV,
and we can put the money in her college
account.
No, let's just let our daughter
have a normal childhood, huh?
I think that gay cruise has sailed.
It's just one commercial.
I don't like it.
No. No.
Oh, what, so that's it?
You're the parent with the final say?
Why is that? Because you make the money?
It's not about that, and you know it.

I wouldn't expect you to understand us.
You're not theater folk.
Neither are you.
You did "Godspell"
one summer in a barn.
You're barn folk.
Get used to that jealousy, Lily.
Ordinary people just don't understand us.
Dennis to shipping and receiving.
Dennis to shipping and receiving.
Hola, Jack.
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Manny had a doctor's appointment,
so we're gonna catch lunch with Jay -- is
he there?
- Yeah, he's in back. - Okay.
Good day, Jackson.
Good day, Manuel.
I see you're still forklifting.
More like lifting the fork.
Man, I was gonna say that joke!
I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my
wife today.
I know, baby, but I had to marry her
so she could stay in the country.
Oh, no!
Where am I gonna find another husband
that wears sweatpants to work?
Resort wear.
Maybe last resort.
Listen, I'm glad you guys step by for lunch,
'cause you know what?
I got to work a little late tonight.
No, not tonight. Did you forget our date?
No! No. I was kidding!
I had no idea what she was talking about.
Gloria-god love her --
likes to celebrate every possible
milestone
in our relationship --
Day we met...
our first date --
which I forgot, so we got in a big fight.
Now we commemorate the big fight.
I thought we could re-create the day.
Do everything that we did the first time.
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-【221】-
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So romantic.
You know, that's exactly what I was
thinking.
Jack is so nice. I think he really likes
Manny.
What he likes is getting out of work.
Wait a minute. Is that Manny driving?
Is it?
Yeah, it's him.
Ay, my poor papi. Two doctors in one day.
Mom, I'm fine.
The hospital said I could go back to school.
No, you suffered a traumatic experience.
I barely remember it!
I remember crashing through the wall
and the ambulance ride to the hospital.
That wasn't an ambulance. I drove you.
- Then what was that siren? - That was your
mother.
I was not that loud.
Cars pulled over, honey.
Jay, I'm sorry about your wall.
Wasn't your fault, was Jack's,
and I've already taken care of him.
You killed him?
You can't kill people here.
I fired him.
But it was just an accident!
He didn't mean it!
The guy's a screw-up.
Should have been gone months ago.
Can't we just give him another chance?
What is this "we"?
Let me explain something to you people.
Here in this family, it's we.
At work, it's me.
My rules, my decisions...period.
That's not fair!
You mad at me, too?
No. You're right.
It's your work.
Besides, I can't be mad at you --
not on our special day.
Honey, I was thinking --
with what happened to Manny,
maybe we better postpone our special day
 Modern.Family.S02E07
until next weekend. call.
No. Next weekend is the anniversary Any -- anytime. I can meet you wherever
of the first time that I cooked for you. that...
What you doin', typhoid Clairey? ...place is that you feel, uh, that would
Hey. What are you doing home? be best.
She caught your cold and had to come home. Okay, thank you. Bye.
I thought we should contain you two Dad?
and keep it from spreading through the Hey, buddy!
house. How are ya? W-what are you doin'?
Come here. I'm so sorry. Keeping the germs off me.
It's okay. You care about germs?
- Hey, did you finish my ladyfingers? - Not I've seen you kiss a pigeon on the mouth.
yet. My class is going to Disneyland in two days.
- Did you pick up my phone from the gym? I can't get mom's cold.
- Not yet. Good plan.
Is that the smoke detector? I thought you I remember this.
fixed that. My dad bought it during the Cuban missile
Boy, you're really starting the sound like cisis.
your own self. I never got a turn in that. You think maybe
You know what this reminds me of? later I could --
When you were little Yeah, maybe.
and we used to snuggle and watch soap operas What are you doing home in the afternoon?
together. Oh, no big deal.
Remember that? Just had a couple of showings fall through.
Nothing's changed. Again?
Sonya's still married to that guy. You know what I always say.
- One second. -The one with the...bad Sure do.
hairline. Can't get back on that horse unless you fall
- Dylan? - O...Kay. off.
God, I miss you, too. That's right.
Oh, it's just a cold, silly. That's loud.
You don't have to conceive of a world Sorry.
without me. Where is that coming from?
Oh, nothing. I'm just in bed with my mom. Changing the battery in a smoke detector
Stop freaking out. It is not coming true. is what they teach you in Man 101,
Uh, Mrs. Vaughn? It's Phil Dunphy. So, of course, every time I hear that noise,
It's about 3:30. all I hear is, "Beep beep -- you're not a
Now, I know you said you'd moved on, man.
but, um, there's been a significant price Beep beep -- you're not --"
reduction Really?!
in the, uh, house in Sullivan Canyon, Hey, dad. Can you open this for me?
which I know you loved. Oh. Sure, buddy.
So, uh, if there's any chance you might What happened?
reconsider, I broke a nail.
I know you will not be sorry. Mitchell! What's up?
I can meet you anytime, so just give me a What do you -- what do you mean?

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-【222】-

You -- you just sent me an urgent text,
saying to come right over.
That was from me, I used Jay's phone.
Oh, what happened to your face?
Oh, just a little scrape-up.
Mitchell, I'd like to engage your legal
services
in representing my friend Jack
in a wrongful-termination suit.
Forget it. He's not coming back.
Don't take the case, Mitchell.
I-I don't think I was gonna take the case.
Fine. Then, under the circumstances,
we have nothing further to talk about.
These will be my last words to you.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Okay, you got me.
I hope you feel clever tricking your kid.
Hello, Mitch!
Hi, Gloria.
Congratulations!
On what?
Lily's commercial.
Oh, no, no. We turned that down.
Are you sure?
Because Cam sent me a picture of her in her
makeup chair.
Uh, sorry. He what?
Oh, it's so exciting.
You have to remember this day
so that you can celebrate it every year.
Okay, folks, we're about 10 minutes from
shooting!
Is talent ready?
Yes, uh, she sure is.
Did you hear that, Lily? You're the talent.
Isn't that magical?
Grapes.
And that is a prop.
Okay, we're really gonna hang up this time.
On the count of three.
Ready?
Hello?
I can't believe he hung up!
I'm calling him back.
Modern.Family.S02E07
Hey, give me that.
Oh, my god. Is that Jesse?
And he's still married to Angie.
You know something else you might find
interesting?
Sonya is drinking,
because she married a buffoon when she was
young,
and now she realizes she's wasted her
entire life.
Can you imagine making a mistake like that?
Yeah, that must be...horrible.
Yeah, now she's just a bitter ghost of a
woman,
filled with resentment.
But that's what happens when you commit to
someone
before you see what else is out there.
Seriously?!
She couldn't have laid it on thicker.
"ghost of a woman"? "total buffoon"?
I'm not an idiot.
She was talking about her and my dad!
Yeah, well, maybe Sonya and her husband
just need to... work a little harder.
Can he give her those years back?
I mean, she could have been something.
She could have traveled the world,
been with fascinating men.
She could have accomplished things.
That's all she thinks about now...
every time she looks at him.
Is that mom's apron?
It's an apron. It's unisex.
Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.
But it's bumped out where the boobs go.
That's happening more and more.
Hadn't noticed.
Mrs. Vaughn!
Thanks for calling back.
Yeah, I was just about to...
I see. Uh, is there anything I can say that
will
All right. Well, thank you very much.
And if -- o-okay. Goodbye.
Did you lose another one?

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-【223】-
 Modern.Family.S02E07
Hey. Can't lose something you never had, here.
right, pal? Okay.
That was the doorbell, dad. Oh, and, um, by the way, if it helps,
Yeah, I know. I have a list of things Lily can do.
So, what happens if people stop buying She can blow a kiss, uh, flap her arms like
houses? a bird...
Are we all gonna have to get jobs? Thank you. I'll...keep at in mind.
Just a little slump, buddy. Nothing I can't Okay. Thank you.
handle. Cam. Cam.
Hi, I'm Ron. How did you get on theet?
I work out with Claire at the gym. I walked on. It's not MGM.,
Oh! Yeah. Come on in. It's a warehouse behind a mattress store.
I brought her phe back. She forgot it I can't believe you went behind my back.
yesterday. We agreed --
Great. Thanks. We didn't agree on anything.
I'm phil, Claire's husband. You agreed.
Oh. Uh Claire never mentioned she had a We don't have to agree on everything.
husband. I didn't like the book you bought her last
- Nice to meet you. - You too. week,
Oh, sorry! I burnt my ladyfingers., but I didn't stop you from reading it to
So quiet. her.
It's like christian "silence" reading Well, what was wrong with it?
room. How was it a big day for biscuit, Mitchell?
I'm fine. How?
So am I. Okay, this isn't about biscuit.
Okay, my two stubborn burros. I'm going I know. It's about our daughter, Lily.
out. No, you want to know the truth?
Manny, be a good boy. I think it's about you, Cam.
Jay... I think you're using our daughter
Mm, I'll see you later. to fulfill some childhood dream of yours.
I think you know where. Okay. Parents...
Honey? we're ready to start rolling.
You know what I was just thinking? Now, while we're doing the shoot,
You know how when people are in love, Jim and Deb here will be doing
sometimes they finish each other's the kids' voice-overs into the mike --
sentences? kind of like "look who's talking".
Like, um... Oh. That's great.
tonight we're going to... There are a lot of important people here,
Have fun! so I'm not gonna get mad,
Yes. but I resent the implication that I would
When we get to... do anything
...gether later! that's not in the best interest of our
You have no idea where you're going, do you? daughter.
- Tell me. - Hire Jack back. Okay, let's try a take!
-Forget it. -Your funeral. And...action!
Okay, lily, daddy's gonna be right over Oh, no!

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-【224】-

We are lost in a city of high furniture
prices!
Ohh! Can no one protect us from these high
prices?!
Cut! Lighting problem.
One sec.
You can apologize to me anytime you're
ready.
- Are you kidding me? - What?
This commercial -- it's a big stereotype.
It's called "ironic."
No, this is why Lily was perfect -- she's
Asian.
She's a prop.
It's called "niche casting."
Stop telling me what stuff is called!
You're so blinded by the spotlight,
you can't see what's really going on here!
Let's go again!
All right. Here we go.
Let's roll, please!
Action!
Oh, no! We are trapped in a city
of high furniture prices!
Ohh! Can no one protect us from these high
prices?!
Look!
Over there!
It's save-zilla!
He's knocking down prices on everything
from bibs to cribs!
Half off on playpens!
High chairs are low chairs!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Excuse me! Excuse me. Excuse me. - Cut!
What's the problem?
Well, don't you think this commercial
just might be the teeniest bit racist?
I mean, um, save-zilla?
It's not racist. It's satire.
No, I know, but maybe...
maybe we could just tone it down a bit.
Maybe not hit the accents so hard?
This is the commercial you agreed to.
Yeah, well, I know. I just...
I can't let my daughter do this.
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We had an agreement.
Well, I also have the best attorney town,
so do your worst.
And by the way,
Lily is vietnamese, not japanese.
There's a big difference,
but you wouldn't know that,
because you're only interested in seeing
these children
as interchangeable stereotypes,
not human beings.
Come on, Lily.
Let's go.
Cam?
Cam, that's not...
Hi, buddy.
There we go.
Going to meet your mother.
Figured it out all by myself.
Two years ago, we got our marriage license,
we went to a little hot dog stand.
She said was the most romantic meal
she ever had in her life.
That's it, isn't it?
Yeah, that's it.
Get this into your head.
You can give me the cold shoulder the rest
of your life.
Jack's not coming back.
See, I could overlook the goofing off,
but you could have been seriously hurt
today.
Anybody puts my kid in danger
doesn't get a second chance ever.
I'll see you later.
Did you just call me your kid?
Oh, geez.
You've never said that before.
Sure I have.
Well, of course you're my kid.
I mean, what do you think?
You're going to the wrong place.
What?
It's not your wedding license.
- What is it? - First kiss.
No. Just tell me.
 Modern.Family.S02E07
I mean, your first kiss with my mom. everybody's making such a big deal.
My god, you're right. Everything's fine.
Thanks! It makes no sense!
- The pier. - Thanks. I changed every one!
But maybe Sonya didn't make a mistake. I'm gonna call my dad.
Maybe she just met her soul mate when she No, we're not calling anyone!
was young. I can handle this.
No, no, no. That never happens. I just need the old burglar basher.
See, she threw her life away, Is that your college cheerleading baton?
and now she wants out. Not when you're on the business end of it.
Okay, let's cut the crap. Guess that one won't be chirping anymore,
We're not talking about some character will it?
on a soap opera here, are we? Honey...
No. No, we're not. Go after him.
Honey, I'm sorry. Oh, no, he just needs to blow off some
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but... steam.
I've been feeling this way for a really long How's that for battery?!
time, Mom, like it or not,
and... Can we be honest with each other? you made a commitment,
He's kind of a doofus. and maybe that doesn't mean anything to you
I guess, but... anymore,
I thought you liked that about him. but you owe it to this family to save your
No, I never did. marriage
Believe me, honey. - and give it one more try. - What?
There are many better options out there. End of the line, smokey joe!
Like who? Look, dad may be a doofus,
I don't know. but he is 10 times better than any
Off the top of my head, uh... pizza-delivery boy.
how about that cute guy who delivers the Go to him.
pizzas? Did you --
He's like 18! I just detected your ass gettin' kicked!
So? Okay.
Don't mind me, ladies. Honey...
This is the last one. Thought I forgot about you, didn't you?
I've changed the batteries Nope.
In every last smoke detector in the house. Phil, no. Stop.
Hey, dad. I gotta stop the damn chirping.
I think I found a place online where I can This isn't about the noise.
sell this organ. Sweetie...
Can you drive me to the black market? ...you're having a bad day.
I think they mean a different kind of organ, At the end of a bad month.
buddy. I know.
Sweetie, why are you trying to sell that? You know how scary that is, Claire?
In case things with dad's job get even No. No, I don't,
worse. because you never tell me the bad stuff.
Honestly, I don't know why You only share all the good stuff.

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 Modern.Family.S02E07
Honey, what happened to us being a team?
Right? We're supposed to lean on each
other.
Honey...
I have faith in you.
I must be catching your cold.
Okay.
You know what?
Let's just get new smoke detectors.
We already changed them out last year.
Remember, buddy? You helped me.
Sure did.
Wait a minute. What'd you do with the old
ones?
You told me to throw them in the garbage,
so I put them in the attic to make a robot.
It's the old ones.
The batteries are dying,
and we can hear them through the vents.
You did it, buddy!
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you.
I did that.
Oh. That must be the pizza I ordered.
Pizza? You ordered pizza?
Yeah. I was just sort of in the mood, you
know?
But we had pizza a couple nights ago.
I know, but I had an urge,
and when you get an urge, you get an urge.
Okay, here, I'll get it!
No, sweetie, I've got it.
No, mom. You're always asking me to do
things.
I'll get it. Here, just sit back, relax.
I'll get the pizza. Don't worry.
I-I...really -- okay, get the change.
Here!
And I think it's best you don't come around
here anymore!

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Modern.Family.S02E08
Good afternoon. Thanks for coming.
It's so nice to spend my birthday
surrounded by so many smiling faces.
I was almost too depressed to come today.
I realized I let my childhood slip away.
Come on, everybody!
We're gonna be late for Manny's birthday!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
I'm ready, mom.
- You sure, honey? - Yep.
Then take a quick peek at your feet.
Oh! Come on, Luke!
Are you gonna walk faster,
or should I get Lily's stroller out of the
car and push you?
Would you relax?
The restaurant's like five minutes away
from here
Ohh, free lotion.
Stop Stopping to smell the roses. Manny's
present.
Ohh, you are such a Pritchett.
What's that supposed to mean?
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
I'm looking for the keys!
Of course you are.
I like being on time.
It's easy 'cause I'm organized.
Not my wife.
You'd think growing up in a place,
full of death squads and drunken uncles,
she'd have learned to move a little bit
faster.
Sorry, sorry.
I couldn't find my earring.
So, what were we talking about, huh?
Honey, come on. We're gonna be late. Let's
go.
Yeah, yeah, just filling out the
application to family camp.
You don't win the "dirty dancing"
competition
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and not go back to defend your crown.
That's right. Come on, honey.
But shoot for the king...
you better kill him.
Every summer, we spend a week at family
camp.
It's just like regular camp, but with the
family!
I don't think that needed any clarification,
Phil.
Somebody's still a little touchy
- about losing last year's color war. - Not.
She was on team blue...
...or as I like to refer to them as team
blue-zer.
- And I was on white. - That's good.
- And if you ain't white... - No.
...you ain't right!
Phil! Have you learned nothing?
My good man.
Okay, come on, everybody. Front door! Now!
Claire, relax. It takes 15 minutes to get
there.
It takes 20 minutes.
If we take your route.
Well, my way is the most direct.
Directly into traffic.
Uh, your way is directly into...the
suckiest way.
Want to make this interesting?
Yeah, I don't think that's possible.
We take two cars and see who gets there
first.
Fine. Fine. Let's do that. It's on.
Yeah! It is on!
I'll take the girls.
Luke, your dad and I are splitting up.
- Why? - Another one of their stupid
arguments.
Okay. I'll go with dad.
No, no. Buddy. Come with me.
Prepare to be -- my shoes.
Come on, Phil!
How do I look?
Like Al Capone.
Thanks!

Happy birthday, kid.
A BB gun?!
Enjoy. That's the best gift my dad ever gave
me.
My keys are nowhere!
We're gonna have to go in your car.
It's in the shop.
Where was the last place you put your keys?
Oh, so now it's my fault?
Where was the last place you put my keys?
In your hand when I bought you the car.
Hey, Jay, on the box,
it says "Ages 16 and up."
Is this an appropriate gift for me?
Are you kidding me? You were born 16.
You know, we wouldn't be having this
problem
if you hadn't lost the spare set.
I didn't lose them.
Somebody came in here and stole them!
And left the car.
What do you mean, I was born 16?
I'm just saying, you were never much of a
kid.
And that's a good thing, 'cause I never
liked kids.
You know, you ought to try the fridge.
'Cause that's where we found your
cellphone.
It was only one time, Jay.
And you know I always eat after I talk to
my mother.
Happy birthday, old man.
Well, I've forgotten a lot of things in my
life.
But what Jay said hit me hard.
I'd forgotten to have a childhood.
Dad, that was a stop sign.
I'll stop twice on the way back.
Oh, good, it'll give us a chance to pick
up that hubcap
you lost cutting through the temple parking
lot.
Yellow...yellow!
Okay.
Are you seeing this?
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We are making every light, and we don't even
have to speed.
The system works.
Mom?
I know, I went a little fast back there,
but, really, 40 is the same as 35.
You say that a lot.
I don't think you two appreciate what's at
stake here.
- Our lives? - You know I love your mother,
but I think you also know a certain look
she gets
That says, "Just listen to me, I'm always
right".
You mean her face?
N-now we're getting this.
If we're right this one time,
then we never have to be right again.
When she says, "That balloon can't carry
a person, Phil",
I say, "Manny's birthday".
"Take your jacket, Alex. I think it's gonna
rain".
"Manny's birthday".
Don't look at me. Look at the road.
"Manny's birthday".
No, dad! Look at the road! There's a truck!
Sweet baby! Assholes!
We are so kicking your dad's butt!
We are the best ones!
How come you and dad are breaking up?
What?
If it's just a little disagreement,
can't you just work it out?
Oh, sweetie, you thought
that when I said we were splitting up...
No. No, your dad and I are fine, honey.
We just were gonna take separate cars
to see who could get to the restaurant
faster.
Oh, that's a relief.
Ohh, you must have been feeling awful back
there.
I am so sorry.
It's okay.
Why did you say you'd go with your dad?
 Modern.Family.S02E08
Great. Mom gets to be right again. her.
Hey, bad attitudes lose races. He says he's so sorry!
No, swerving into a curb and popping your And that he's always loved you!
tire loses races. Please come up and talk to me.
We should call the cops and say mom's car Please come up and talk to him!
was stolen. His life would be empty without you!
They arrest her, we win. I'm sorry I'm going off script. It just felt
No, they trace those calls. right.
But this is great. Thinking like a team! Oh. Good. Oh.
Good practice for family camp. - T-too late. - No, you know what?
We're, uh, we're doing that again? Give him your cellphone.
And this year I predict total white I'll chase Helen down and give her my phone.
domination. They can hash it out.
Can't go back there. Are you -- are you serious?
I heard this summer there's gonna be a Yes, I'm serious as a heart attack.
hoedown. You always do this.
I can't. Now we're gonna be late to our own party.
Haley! Stop shouting.
I can't! I can't. Well, technically, I wasn't really --
Eight minutes talking to the lady at the Uh, yes, hello. Is Seymour Butts there?
stationery store I'd never made a prank call...
and still no present. never mixed different sodas together
You know, I think a new friend is like a to see what they'd taste like.
present. So I knew I had to make the most
Yeah, I read that card, too. of what little childhood I had left.
Can we please just buy the next thing we Not "Lutts". I'm looking for Butts.
see Yes, I'm trying to get ahold of Butts.
and get out of here? Very funny. I don't have time for this
You know, why can't you enjoy this? foolishness.
It's a beautiful afternoon, Lily's with a Maybe if you had a system for where you
sitter. leave things.
The day is ours! I have a system.
Helen! I put down things, then I remember where
Helen! I put them.
Helen! And that would be preferable
Helen!! to, say, putting them on the key holder
Oh, look at that. Another friend. Off we which just happens to look like a large key.
go. Very busy. Stop screaming!
No. Stop. What are you doing?
You are too tied to your rigid schedules. Turning back the clock.
You're missing life. Disgusting!
It took all of two seconds to help this nice Don't judge me. You've never been married.
man. This never happened.
W-w-wait. Wait. There's more. I don't know what you're talking about.
Two seconds. Yeah. That's a good man.
Tell her I'm so sorry, I've always loved Boy. I'm a boy!

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-【230】-

You all right? You okay?
W-why do you ask?
Oh. Okay. Well, I think this is for you.
I-I don't know what to say to him.
Just open your heart and listen, Helen.
Okay.
Hello?
I dropped your phone.
I was here when it happened.
Okay. It's all right. We'll just...
I can't. I-I just can't.
Helen, you have to try. I once almost let
my own fears
stop me from embarking on a relationship,
and I would have lost the love of my life.
- Helen! - Donald!
- Cam... - Hang on. Hang on, Helen!
I'll have you down in a jiffy!
Hold on tight! Ow. Nails.
- Helen. Nails. Nails. Nails. - Helen.
Helen, please just give me a chance.
Give him a chance!!
She's right here.
Cam, come on. We're running out of time.
We're running out of time? Sensitive.
Go to him.
Ohh, I-it's nice that you care so much about
us.
Without love we're nothing.
But what about his wife?
It was a pleasure to meeting you both.
I get it, Luke. You think he's the fun one.
That's why you'd go with him.
What?
You think your dad is more fun than I am.
- Definitely. - "Definitely."
Dad's, like, crazy-fun.
- But you're nice. - I'm nice?!
Well, not now.
Tell him.
- Tell me what? - Nothing.
Hey, what do we call daddy's car, girls?
The cone of trust.
The cone of trust. Exactamundo.
Where you can speak your mind with no
judgment.
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So, what is it? Boys?
Your bodies are changing? Eggs?
No! No.
We were just thinking that maybe...
...if -- if you're open to it --
Dad, we love you, but we do not want
to go to family camp this year.
- Dad? Are you upset? - Nope.
Then what was that sniff?
Sniff? What sniff? I'm -- I'm, uh --
I'm actually relieved.
The day that I've been dreading,
uh, the day when you two finally outgrow
me,
has finally arrived,
and I'm handling it really well.
- Dad, are you crying? - Nope.
- Are you sure you're okay? - Yep.
Oh, my god. He is crying.
I've never seen dad cry before.
But, dad, if you cry, then I'll cry!
I'm not crying.
We made our daddy cry!
You called me daddy?
Because you are our daddy!
I'll always be your daddy!
Don't cry, mom.
I am not crying.
Let me fill you in on a little secret, Luke.
When I met your dad, I was fun, too.
But I had to give all that up,
because you can't have two fun parents.
That's a carnival.
You know that kid Liam who wears pajama
pants to school
and pays for things with a $100 bill?
Two fun parents. Mark my words.
Oh, my god! Ohh!
You're fun, too, mom.
I just said I'd go with dad
because I think he'd need me more.
How come I do all the looking and you do
all the sitting?
'Cause you do all the losing.
Oh, and you're this close
of doing all the sleeping in a tent in the

backyard!
Did you check your purse?
Yes, of course!
It's a big purse. You might want to look
again.
Okay. I check. You rest.
No. There's nothing.
You're sure?
Yes. I've looked twice now.
- There's nothing. - Okay.
Then you better call us a cab!
Manny! Manny?
What the hell? Where'd that thing come
from?
Christmas. Two years ago. Never took it out
of the box.
"Who would enjoy that?" I thought.
A kid, that's who.
Well, come on. We've got your party.
What's the point? You were right. I-I was
born 16.
I've lost my childhood.
Why did you want me to look again in my purse,
Jay, huh?
Is it because you put the keys in there?
No. Why, did you find it?
Yes, I found them because you put the keys
in there!
Manny, what the hell are you doing there?
He wants to cancel his party because he
missed his childhood
The party that I have rescheduled three
times,
changed the restaurant twice
so that the whole family could be
together?!
Please send my regrets.
Now, if I could have a little privacy...
Privacy?! Esto es lo que me faltaba a me.
Privacy?! En esta casa?
Is that a skateboard down there?
The second thing that slipped right out
from under me today.
Okay, time to get out.
The first was my childhood.
I get it!
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I am so sick of stubborn men!
You, you act like a little boy
That doesn't want to accept that he's
wrong.
And you like a sad old man that doesn't want
to be happy!
That's it!
- You could have shot me! - Come on, Manny.
I could've unbuttoned your shirt if I
wanted to.
Now come here, or sink!
And I'm taking this with me in the car.
Vamonos.
I know that face, Mitchell.
Okay, a-and we're walking.
It means you were right and I was wrong
for trying to help two people.
- Adulterers? - Fair enough.
A-actually, the most adult adulterers
ever.
But my impulse was still right.
- Oh, god. Here we go. - Life is about being
--
Yes. You know what? Here we do go.
It's about being spontaneous.
It's about throwing yourself into
something,
not working long hours every night at the
office.
It's like you're living your l--
- What is this? - I don't know.
Excuse me, constable, what -- what is going
on?
Oh, it's a flash mob! It's a flash mob!
Ooh! We saw it on Youtube. Remember?
People get together and choreograph big
dance numbers!
We should go. T-this is kind of weird.
No, this is joyful, Mitchell.
You, of all people, should --
Cam's right. I can be a little rigid.
So when Chad from accounting,
who I always thought was gay
but apparently is not,
Um, told me about this flash mob,
I thought, "Hells yes".

Uh, we've been practicing after work a
couple of nights a week.
And it's -- it's been a big commitment,
but it's totally worth it.
This dance is my love letter to Cam.
Okay, so, this is why I was rushing you
around.
Huh? What do you think of me now?
How could you, Mitchell?
What? Cameron.
- Cameron. - Not now. Donald!
You do fun stuff.
You put that potato chip in my sandwich.
That was a crunchy surprise.
Nope, that was your dad. Everything fun is
your dad.
Second Christmas, Italian-accent night...
this race.
Which we could've won. Your way is way
faster.
It is, isn't it?
Buckle up, Luke.
Today you have two fun parents.
Come on, mom. You can do it.
That's right I can.
Tell me the truth, Jay.
Did you put the key in my bag?
No.
I won't be mad.
In order to prove a point, I may have --
I knew it!
Why did I get you such a big watch?!
Why, Jay?! What point did you have to
prove?!
I'm trying to teach you to be organized.
Your mind is scattered, Gloria.
Your mind is gonna be scattered.
Manny, hand me the gun!
I appreciate the gesture,
and I'm not proud of how I'm feeling right
now,
but the fact is, you cheated on me.
In what way did I cheat on you?
You cheated on me with choreography,
and that is the worst kind.
Well, it really isn't.
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You danced without me, Mitchell!
If I'd known it was my last summer there,
I'd have gone for the lead in "Pippin."
Dad, look up ahead. Coming at us. There's
mom!
Beat her!
I don't think he's in the mood for that
right now.
Hold on. No.
If ever a man needed a win, it's this man.
What do you say, dad?
Okay. This one's for family camp.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- This is so inappropriate! - I love you!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Mom, look out!
Cam!
Anybody hurt?
I am.
I was almost too depressed to come today.
I realized I let my childhood slip away.
Look at Luke there...
making one big straw out of three.
Never change, Luke.
I really thought it was too late for me.
But watching all you acting like children,
it hit me -- I've got plenty of time left
to be a kid.
Anyway, happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday, Manny.
Happy birthday, Manny.
I have been a child.
I'm sorry I hid the keys.
I'm sorry I shoot the island.
We're totally racing home.
I'm way ahead of you.
As usual.
They say it's going to be a rainy weekend.
They don't know.
I do. My knee's been singing all morning.
Unbelievable.
Mother of g --
Put them down and walk away.
You know, Gloria --

Modern.Family.S02E09
So the rate of diffusion equals something
times the square root of...something...
I give up.
Aw, so close.
Shut up.
Hey, don't worry. You'll get it.
You know, a lot of famous scientists are
women.
They're fat, though, right?
Come on, Alex. It's time for your cello
lesson.
How's the tutoring going?
Are you familiar with the term
"throwing good money after bad"?
Are you familiar with the term
"Dunphy, party of one"?
- Because you will be. - Girls.
Haley's coming along really well, Mrs.
Dunphy.
Good. Good.
Well, the key is to take a lot of little
breaks
so you don't get frustrated and want to
quit.
Got it.
I was talking to David.
Come on, sweetie.
I'm just saying -- she's never gonna get
a job,
and how do we know the right middle-eastern
businessman
wouldn't treat her great?
I left my shopping list inside.
For the record, we thought she could live
with you.
Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live.
Haley!
What?
We only do this when I get one right.
Momma should be here by now.
I wonder what's keeping her.
Well, Cam, that depends. Did she take her
jalopy
or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?
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-【234】-
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You know, Missouri is more cosmopolitan
than you give it credit for, Mitchell.
It's got a very vibrant cowboy-poetry
scene.
I'm not sure you're making the point that
you think --
That's her. Come on. Look alive. Look
alive.
Momma!
Oh, my baby!
Oh, my little bomber. Puppy kiss.
Mitchell, get over here!
Aah, hey, Barb!
Oh, my baby's baby! How are you?
Well, I don't want to overstate this,
but my mom is the greatest woman that ever
lived.
Cam loves his mom.
She raised 4 kids, 2 barns,
and a whole lot of hell.
Well, that sounds like a country song.
And that song would be called
"The Greatest Woman that ever Lived".
Cam loves his mom.
From the minute I met Barb,
she has been open and loving and -- and
caring.
Oh, I have missed these shoulders!
If I had one complaint --
and I do --
it's the...inappropriate putting of her
hands on my body.
Hey, Barb. I got you the cranberries you
wanted for the stuffing.
Oh, bless your heart.
Let me get in there and help ya.
And a horsey bite.
This is how I like to cuddle.
It's been -- it's been going on a long time.
Jay, you want to go to the mall with me?
No, actually, my stomach's a little funny
today.
Oh, I am so sorry, papi.
Maybe we'll stop first at the crib store,
and you lay down, and I buy you a little
dress, huh?

Gloria thinks Americans are babies.
Well, in Colombia, we couldn't go running
to the hospital
for every little sniffle or dislocated
shoulder.
Okay. Good.
5-6. I serve. Huh?
Jay, what are your symptoms?
Nausea, bloating?
Manny, what did I say about getting off
that crazy doctor website?
I'm just worried about Jay.
Stomach pains can mean a lot of things --
intestinal blockage...
Do you have a fever?
Stop it! Manny, he's fine.
- Tell him you're fine. - I'm fine.
Okay, good. Get in the car.
Uh, home fine, not mall fine.
Jay, you know what happens when I shop
angry.
I'll clear a space.
I'm not loving your color.
Go play.
Don't be a hero.
So, dumb guys go for dumb girls,
and smart guys go for dumb girls?
What do the smart girls get?
Cats mostly.
So, Haley, how long have I been paying this
guy
to make out with you?
Uh, about a week.
First it was just to shut him up,
but now I'm starting to like him.
If you really like him, though,
you have to break up with Dylan.
What? No!
Believe me --
and it's best for everybody if you just do
it quickly.
I can't believe we're having this
conversation.
He's like part of the family.
Trust me -- it's the right thing to do.
Just end it.
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Okay, but be gentle.
Boys are surprisingly sensitive at that
age.
Water-polo-girl story.
Yes, I'm gonna tell the water-polo-girl
story,
'cause it hurt!
Okay, so I'm working in the principal's
office.
She walks in,
hair all silver from the chlorine...
tells me she wants her varsity jacket back.
I tear up a little,
then I tear up a lot.
I'm begging, I'm begging --
at some point I realize
I'm sitting on the button
to the high-school intercom system.
Yuk it up, ladies.
Wasn't funny then, is not funny now.
It was traumatic, Haley.
Don't do Dylan like Linda "the cannon"
Concannon did me.
Oh, honey...
that was a long time ago.
I loved her.
Okay. I know.
You know what?
Maybe I'll call Dylan after he talks to
Haley.
He's gonna need someone to lean on.
But that someone should not be his
ex-girlfriend's father.
Honey, when Dylan is out of her life,
he should be out of ours.
You've always hated Dylan.
I have not always hated Dylan.
I have always thought that Haley could do
better.
Plus, the new boyfriend is so smart.
It's done. We broke up.
What?!
I texted Dylan. It's over.
I'll bet that's him.
Sad-face emoticon!
You can feel the hurt through the phone!

Cam's mom's been half of the dinner with
her hands
all over me.
It was like she was blind
and wanted to know what my thighs looked
like.
Are you sure?
I mean, are you really the best judge of
this kind of a thing?
You've had boundary issues since you were
a kid.
I have not!
Okay. Sorry. My mistake.
Must be Cam's mom...her issues.
What are you doing?
- Nothing -- just getting a spoon. - Stop
it.
- Is it bothering you? - Yes, it is.
- Hey, Mitchell - Claire, stop it! Stop it!
- Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell
-- - Force field!
That never stops being fun.
Good.
Listen, this is -- this is not in my head,
Claire.
And it's actually getting worse.
What does Cam say?
Well, he never seems to notice.
And I certainly can't talk to him about it
because God forbid I say anything negative
about his mom.
One time I added salt to her casserole...
...and he went into the garage and punched
the car.
Okay, Mitchell, if this is happening --
and I'm pretty sure it isn't --
Thank you. Supportive.
then you need Cam to see his mom feeling
you up
and then make Cam deal with it.
Think about it.
Hi, Dylan.
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Or, I guess, now that Haley and I broke up,
I should call you "Claire".
Actually, I think we're gonna stick with
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"Mrs. Dunphy".
Come on in. How are you doing?
Not so good.
I mean, everywhere I look, I see her face.
To be fair, Dylan, that is a family
portrait.
I got to go get some of my stuff. Is that
cool?
Oh, sure. Yeah.
There she is again!
Oh, don't look on the bookshelf!
You're just gonna...
Hey, kid, you got a minute?
I need the name of that medical website.
Can this wait until I'm home?
I'm having the round of my life.
I've been thinking, I might have a couple
of those, uh,
those symptoms you were talking about.
I see.
You might as well play through.
It's gonna be a while.
I mean, I'm probably wrong,
but, you know, I just, uh, want to make
sure.
- Is that Manny? - Work.
So, uh, tell them I'll --
I'll get that order out this afternoon,
huh?
Did she buy that?
Because it sounded fake on this end.
I'll talk to you later, Tom.
Tom.
Dylan!
Oh, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.
Hey, Mr. Dunphy.
Hey, now that you guys are broken up,
you can call me whatever you want.
Phil, Vitamin P., P. Daddy.
Okay, Phil.
Okay.
I'm gonna miss that bad boy.
When I forget my own axe,
sometimes I come in here and noodle on it.
Actually, I've been writing a little song
of my own.
 Modern.Family.S02E09
Might be able to pluck out a few... Hey, guys!
You know, I keep on hoping that this is just Oh, there's Mitchell!
a dream, My little corn silk!
that Haley and I didn't really break up. Oh, Barb, oh, you are such a good hugger.
But it's not a dream... Isn't she the best hugger?
unless the whole thing was a dream Oh, thank you.
and we never even dated in the first place. Oh, and look what I -- I got you, Barb.
Weird -- this is kind of what my song's What's that?
about. Scratchers!
Yeah. Weird. - Mmm... - Thank you.
I know this is tough, but you're gonna be Nice.
fine. Oh, that's your tea. I'm gonna get your tea.
You know, I was a lot like you in high Thanks, honey.
school... Well, I need a quarter.
except my hair was shorter Oh. Let me have that.
and my guitar was a flute. Oh, wow, yeah, feel free to fish around in
Well, if you want your own guitar, there.
I mean, we could -- Cam? Cam.
We could go out and we'd pick you one. I'd like a cup, too, please.
Oh, I don't -- I don't know if that's such Just a second.
a good idea. Ohh, Barb, ohh. You know what?
Yeah. Totally. I-I-I strained myself so bad today.
Well Well, what's hurtin' on ya?
I guess I'll get going. It's this area between my, uh, lower back
So... and upper thigh.
I can...well, be alone forever. Sounds like your fanny.
Uh, what -- what the hell? It's my fanny.
Let's go guitar shopping. It's really knotted up.
Awesome. Well, you need someone to work on that.
Uh, do me a favor. Don't -- don't tell Mrs. Ohh, I would love that. Just -- it's really
Dunphy? seized up.
Yeah. Definitely. You got it. Just put your fingers all over my...
Okay. All right. my fanny.
Well, I guess I'll see ya. Your magic fingers...Barb.
Okay. You -- Momma? Your tea.
you, uh, you can go ahead and exit - Mitchell? - Thanks, sweetie.
through the...front door. See you in the room for a minute?
Oh, right. Habit. Thank you. It's very hot.
My old yearbook! - Don't burn your tongue. - All right,
You know I saved them all. honey.
- Oh, look. - What? Okay, I am not gonna cry,
"You're the cutest boy in school. but I want to know why, Mitchell,
You're gonna have an awesome summer. Why you are presenting to my mother like
Smooches -- Brenda." a baboon.
Oh, Brenda, you are about to have I wanted you to see her fondling me.
the most confusing summer of your life. So, you do want me to cry.

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-【237】-

No, no, Cam, it's just that...
she's always touching me inappropriately,
and you never seem to notice.
Show me, Mitchell.
Show me on Lily's doll where my mother is
touching you.
I know that you don't want to hear this,
but she's handsy,
and it makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, my god. I know what this is.
You're just not used to having a mother that
shows affection.
Oh, do not make this about my mother.
I didn't.
But it is normal for a mother to be
physical.
And it is not strange
for an occasional hug or a little pat on
tanny.
Okay, these aren't pats, Cam -- no.
She squeezes and lingers!
Show me where she squeezes and lingers.
Cam, put the doll down.
I don't know if this is just sexual or --
or crazy town,
but your mother cannot keep her hands off
of me,
and it's creeping me out
No.
Barb...
Let me show you
where you stabbed my momma.
Thanks for helping me pick out my axe.
You were so right, by the way.
The one with two necks would have been
overkill.
If you want, you can have some of that.
Diet starts tomorrow!
Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy about this, either.
I, uh, I always wanted to go to this place
with Haley,
but she said it looked stupid.
She's a girl with strong opinions --
like her mother.
Claire hates this new sweatshirt I bought.
She says it looks like something
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a girl would wear to the beach.
Yeah, it does.
But I wear it anyway.
See?
I figure, why be alive if you can't do the
things
you're passionate about?
What are you passionate about, Dylan?
Uh, I always wanted to drive to Graceland.
Fun! What else?
I know a guy who can get me a pet bobcat.
Yeah! No, you don't really know what
they're gonna do.
The point is, you got your whole life ahead
of you.
Enjoy being single.
I really got to play that song for you.
This is all in there.
Yeah.
Awesome. Be right back.
Hey, hey, come here.
Is that guy over there with someone?
Could you tell if there was anything going
on between them?
I don'know.
They were talking about taking a trip to
Graceland together.
He just wants to go
'cause he thinks it's an amusement park!
I got to tell you,
this is looking more and more like
diverticulitis.
Do they say how to treat it?
Like a heating pad or -- ohh -- there it
is again.
Well, describe the pain.
It's like I'm being stabbed,
but also like I ate a bad scallop
that's stabbing me from the inside.
That's colorful, but there's no box for
that.
What are you guys looking at?
- Girls! - Huffington post...girls.
Manny, let me see that screen.
What did I tell you?
It's not his fault. I asked him to look.

I'm starting to think I have a serious
problem here.
Yes, you do! That computer!
You read it there, you think it here,
you feel it here.
You want to feel better?
There -- you're cured.
Give me 15 minutes,
then tell Florence Nightingale I went to
the hospital.,
I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill him!
I'm gonna kill both of them!
What happened?
Dylan has a new girlfriend!
When did that happen?
Who cares?
I'm just surprised he didn't say
anything...
to you.
He's not answering my texts.
How could he do this to me?!
Oh, honey, you were the one who broke up
with him.
I didn't think he was gonna find someone
so fast!
Maybe he's better than I thought.
No, he's not. What? No, he's not better!
No, you know who's better?
David -- David the tutor.
Smart, smart David?
Maybe that's him right now!
Do you want the house to yourself?
For just a little while.
I got your texts.
You swore a lot.
Who is she?
Who is who?
Your new girlfriend.
I need her name and address, so I can mess
her up.
I don't have a new girlfriend.
Don't play dumb, Dylan.
I'm not. I'm never playing dumb!
I saw you at that stupid restaurant,
sharing a sundae with her ugly sweatshirt
on the chair.
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Oh, is that the skank?
No...no, there's -- there's no skank.
Well, then why aren't yo answering it?
'Cause I want to talk to you.
Well, I want to talk to her.
I'm gonna call her back
and tell her to keep her hands off
of what belongs to me.
- Haley... - Hello.
- Dad? - Haley?
Oh...my...god -- the sweatshirt?
That was you with Dylan?!
Wait, you're the other girl?
No, we're just friends!
Phil, what are you --
Okay, put the phone down.
what is going on?
He needed someone to talk to.
He took the break-up pretty hard.
- But -- - You did?
I mean, I kept on hoping that we'd get back
together.
Thinking of you with someone else just
drove me crazy.
Me too, baby.
But then your da helped me figure out
maybe it's best if we're apart.
Nice.
I mean, I think I just need
a little time to date...Dylan.
And I mean me, not another guy named Dylan.
So, we're still broken up?
Yeah, I think so.
Wow. Okay...um...I don't know -- I'll see
you.
Bye.
Are you okay, baby?
Do you need another pillow?
I know you think this is nothing,
but he did say it could be an ulcer.
He also said it could be gas.
Do you want me to burp you? Come here. Come
here.
Dollars to doughnuts, it's diverticulitis.
Actually, it's not.
You have acute pendicitis.

We need to get you into surgery right away.
Emergency surgery. I told you it was
something.
That can't be right. You have to check
again!
The tests are conclusive.
Everything will be all right, Mr.
Pritchett.
Let's go.
No, jay, if that's true,
yhen I'm the worst wife in the whole wide
world!
I made you suffer for two whole days!
Honey, it's okay.
No, it's not okay!
Why?! Why do I always almost kill my
husbands?!
And I want to hear this story sometime,
but I'm sort of counting down to a rupture
here!
No!! You can't go without forgiving me!
What if you die in there?
What do I do without you?!
I forgive you,
but nobody dies of an appendectomy!
True, it's usually the anesthesia that gets
you.
You're over 60, right?
I will never forget you, Jay!!
Could you go back to not caring, please?!
Mitchell, it's Barb.
Ohh, Barb. I'm so sorry.
Well, no, no, honey, you hush.
Look, I...
I've been thinking about what I heard,
and...
maybe I do touch you too much.
And I could say it's 'cause we're a family,
but, you know, I don't know.
I guess I have been having some fun with
you,
and I...I thought that it was harmless,
but I would never want to make you
uncomfortable.
Barb, it's my fault, too.
So we're okay?
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Yes, yes, of course.
Thank god.
'Cause I couldn't live with myself
if things stayed weird between us.
- Uh, Cam? Cam? - What is it?
Well, we got it all worked out, sweetie!
Oh, great. Let me get my camera!
Okay, that's not necessary -- no!
From now on, if I go too far,
- please, you just tell me about it. - Okay.
What is that? Oh -- ohh!
Almost lost my bracelet.
- That would be an area that's okay. - No!
- Oh, dang it! - I'll get it. I'll get it.
Oh, no, I saw where it fell.
Force field! Force field!
What's going on?
- I lost my bracelet in here. - Momma!
Listen, I think this might be one of those
situations
where Mitchell feels like you're crossing
a boundary.
Really?
Like, this too?
Well...I...I got to have a good long think
about how I conduct myself.
I'm truly sorry, Mitchell.
It's okay! It's okay.
Well, let's take one quick picture,
- and we'll get out of his way. - Yeah.
Absolutely.
- Scooch together there. - This all right?
Okay.
I miss him.
He was your first real boyfriend.
I keep expecting him to show up.
He used to come by at night,
and I'd sneak out to see him.
- Yeah, I know. - You knew?
His car is 30 years old and doesn't have
a muffler.
And he honked.
I loved that car.
I rode in it to the guitar store.
I felt like I was flying.
I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but...
 Modern.Family.S02E09
that's how you know it was a relationship
worth having.
Thanks, dad.
So Dylan, you love the Graceland?
Yeah, that's true.
Probably would be cooler if they had roller
coasters.
Still, it's fun to see where the king lived,
huh?
No. No, no, no.
That's just an expression. America doesn't
have a king.
Yeah. Oh, sure. Uh-huh. When?
Well, that's not always the case.
So, Dylan, did you get a chance
to listen to that song I sent you?
No? You got seven minutes?

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-【241】-

Modern.Family.S02E10
Okay. I'll -- I'll get that.
Hello?
Hey, Manny's getting his outfit together
for the dance tonight.
I was just taking some supplies out to the
car.
Isn't this exciting -- the boys' first
dance?
Greatest day of my life.
Does Phil have a green pocket square for
him?
Teal!
Teal.
I don't know. I don't think Phil's
really a pocket-square kind of a guy.
Why don't we conference in Mitch?
Ay! Look. This might work.
Well, except that it's turquoise...
oh, and a bra?!
Do you think the kids in my village had
pocket squares?
Here we go with the village.
- Dad, are you still there? - Unfortunately,
yes.
Please ask Claire what time
do I need to be at the school to help set
up.
Gloria wants to know --
No, I heard. I heard.
Um, tell her thank you so much,
but we have all the help we could possibly
need,
and she doesn't even have to come tonight
- if she doesn't want to. - Claire said --
I heard.
Hello?
Oh, hey, Mitch!
- Where are you? - Oh, we're at the park.
You would not believe
how some of these people dress their kids.
Lily's friend just pulled a Britney Spears
getting out of a sandbox car.
So, dad's on the line.
Do you he a teal pocket square for Manny?
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Cam, Manny needs a teal pocket square.
Oh, I've got teal, I've got aqua, i've got
sea foam...
- Yeah, Cam's got one. - Cam's got one.
Yes!
Oh, you know what? I lent it to Andre.
Ah. He lent it to Andre.
Flag on the play.
What's that mean?
What's that mean?!
Now I got to go to the mall.
Is this okay?
Oh, hey! Luke has to go to the mall, too.
What?
Phil.
Let's go, Incredible Hulk.
Uh, is that ur little girl over there --
Lily?
- Yes. Look at her. - Yes.
Uh, well, this is a little bit awkward,
but she bit Tyler.
Oh, no.
Oh, my goodness.
I -- I don't even know what to say.
She's never done anything like that before.
How did it happen?
I don't know. I didn't see.
It's time to play everyone's favorite game.
"Let's blame the gay dads"!
You know who had straight parents?
Adolf Hitler.
Charles Manson.
- Shall we go on? - Naomi Campbell.
I-I know it happened.
He's got bite marks on his arm.
Oh, gosh, someone really sunk their teeth
into you, huh?
It's 'cause you're such a yummy little guy!
Yes!
Our daughter didn't do that.
- But he said -- - Right.
He's probably just confused.
You know who I bet did it, though?
Billy. Rhymes with Lily.
Plus, he is very aggressive.
His babysitter's right over there.

She's -- she's not much of
disciplinarian.
Because I can assure you,
if our child did something like this,
we would be on her like white on rice.
And I know that sounds a little bit like
a racial slur,
because we're white and she presumably
likes rice,
but I didn't intend it that way.
Ah. Finally. There's a spot.
Guys, I am just bursting with pride right
now.
Your first dance.
Soon you're gonna be men.
I want you to know there's more to be a man
than just shopping for fancy outfits.
Yep. Pretty soon, you get some hair on your
chest,
you start answering the phone,
people don't think you're ladies.
Come on, today, Miss Daisy.
Actually, Miss Daisy was the one being
driven,
not the one driving.
Never saw it.
It's called "Driving Miss Daisy".
You got a real lip on you today. You know
that?
Hey! That was our spot!
What are you doing?
You're gonna let him snake your spot?
Not worth it.
Boys, here's the only thing you got to know
about being a man --
never let someone take what is yours.
Unless it's just a parking spot
and there's plenty of others.
That's sweet, Phil. You ought to write that
down.
You got any lipstick in your purse?
I love Jay. Are you kidding me?
He's my boy.
Yeah, he gives me a hard time,
but that's the deal with a father-in-law.
The key is,
Modern.Family.S02E10
a I never let him see just how much it
devastates me.
It's "Dunphy."
That's what I said -- "Dumphy."
No, not "dumb".
"Dunphy".
"Dumphy".
- Say "done". - Done.
- Say "fee". - Fee.
- "Done-fee". - "Dumphy".
All right, just bring it this way?
This way -- there it is.
Perfect. Thank you. Perfect.
Cla-a-aire?
- What? - Can you ask Gus to fix that light?
I asked him, but he just growled at me.
Oh, gosh. Okay.
Gus, stop scaring Bethenny and fix the
light, please?
Don't make me come over there.
I'm busy. You fix it.
Is this because I said
i wouldn't come to the dance with you?
Gus, I'm a married woman. People would
talk.
One dance with me, you'd forget all about
him.
Yeah, I already have a husband who doesn't
fix lights.
Please?
Thank you so much.
This school would literally fall apart
without you.
Well, I don't know about "literally" ，
but...
Ihola, hola! I'm here!
Oh, you came anyway.
That's great.
I think it's great, too.
A few weeks ago, they asked for someone
to be in charge of the school dance,
and I volunteered.
The school asks for volunteers
so that everybody will feel included,
but who are they kidding?
They want me to do it.

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-【243】-

I've put on every school dance since Haley
was 12.
It's my thing.
They made us co-chairs,
which means we're supposed to do everything
together,
but Claire won't take any of my ideas.
She suggested an "Arabian nights" theme.
Isn't it a little soon?
Okay. Um, hey, everybody?
Do you know Gloria, Manny's mom?
She's here to help us out today.
I'm the co-chair.
So, the kids are gonna be here in two hours,
so everybody back to work.
Everybody back to work.
I just said that.
And I just co-said it.
I mean, the nerve of that lady accusing
Lily?
Mm. Well, you know what? You can't change
people, Cam.
I mean, we just have to rise above.
What happened?
She bit me.
Are you serious?
Ohh! Ah! She did it again!
It's like "Twilight" back here!
No! No ice cream for you, Billy,
because the lady say you biting!
Okay. Okay. Go. Go.
- Yeah. - Go, go, go.
Drive.
Are you sure this is teal?
'Cause I'm starting to get a real strong
green thing here.
That's the fluorescent lights.
Do you mind if I walk this over to lamps
galore?
I need you to worry about this less.
Guess who fit into the suit on the mannequin
and saved us 20%?
Here's something I didn't know about
mannequins --
they don't have a wiener.
What the heck is that?
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It's a nicer word for "penis".
No, I mean, what the heck is this?
It's a tie.
It's teal.
I don't care.
I just grabbed the first one I saw.
Well, grab a different one.
No!
Now I like it.
Uh, I think we were here first.
I just have one thing. I'm in a big rush.
So are we.
That's fine. Go ahead.
Seriously?
Jay, it's not a big deal.
And can you give me the sale prices
for some things I bought last week?
Oh, for god's sake!
Now, this is what i'm talking about, boys.
You give people an inch, they'll run all
over you.
Or you could just be nice -- pay it forward.
They don't make movies out of bad ideas.
All I know is you got to fight for what you
want.
If there's one job available,
this guy just got it,
and they go hungry at the "Dumphys'".
"Dunphys'".
Okay, I don't get it. Why is she biting?
Lily, why are you biting?
She's not biting. She's teething.
On people!
All right, if she starts biting her play
dates,
she's gonna be a pariah.
Try "piranha".
Really, cam?
It was right there.
All right, you should also know that I in
no way --
in no way -- blame you.
- Well, thank you. Why would you blame me?
- I don't.
Well, good, because I don't blame you.
Well, obviously.
 Modern.Family.S02E10
Uh, okay, well, now I'm starting to feel I am seriously freaking out
the blame. about these tables!
No. No. Don't -- it's... You know what? Let's just put a pin in
it's just that you're with her all day. where we're gonna put the tables.
I have a daughter who bites and a partner Yes, we're keeping the tables!
who stings. So what else can I do?
Okay. Okay, you want to know the truth? Um...you can...
Sometimes you've sent her some mixed help me with the chairs.
signals. Okay.
I'm gonna bite your feet! We need a lot of them.
I'm gonna bite 'em right off! They're under the stage right...here.
Oh, I'm not the one who uses my teeth like There you go.
a multi-tool. It's like dirty and dark there, no?
Here we go. Cookies for Lily... Yeah, I know. Bummer, right?
...and wine for us. Off you go.
Okay. Smells funny, Claire!
I can't believe you would equate -- So sorry. Keep goin'!
Oh, don't bite my head off. What?
I'm not a pack of batteries. We needed chairs.
Un poquito mas aca. Es perfecto all. What are you guys talking about?
Ay, good. Bellissimo. No, nothing. He was just saying
Why is this box here?! how much he loves the tables.
I am sorry -- we did, If I had the receipt,
because we were moving the tables. I wouldn't need you to look it up.
Well, why are you moving the tables? At this rate, I'm going to miss the first
So the kids have more space to dance. dance...
It's better this way. at my wedding!
Is it really, Gloria? I thought he only had one item.
Because right now it kind of just looks like Tell your dad, if it were up to me,
a clump of tables and a big open space. we'd have been in and out of here in about
Look, I'm sorry, 10 minutes.
but we've always done it this way, You mentioned that.
and I think it's gonna throw people off And I'll probably mention it again,
if you move them around. because, thanks to someone,
Oh, my god, these tables look great! we're gonna be here for a while.
Who did this? Yeah, I get it.
I did! You know, Luke, you should order that suit
I love it! in a larger size,
Hello. - because by the time we get out of here
We haven't been properly introduced. - I...get...it.
- I'm Gloria. - I'm Bethenny. Pay for the suit.
I don't know if anybody's ever told you Where the hell are you going?
this, Luke needs...socks.
but you're really pretty. Make 'em teal!
No. No, Bethenny. No one's ever told her You're playing a very dangerous game.
that. Hey, boys...

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-【245】-

look who it is --
the guy that stole our parking spot.
- Are you going to hit him? - I'd totally
hit him.
I'm not gonna hit him,
but I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.
Now, boys, pay attention -- you want to be
men,
this is how you handle a jerk like this.
Hey, chief?
You know, you stole our parking space
today.
- What? - That's right.
I was waiting for the parking space,
You sneaked right in there --
that make you feel like a big man?
Did I? I didn't even notice.
That's no excuse.
I'm really sorry.
My dog died today.
I had to put him to sleep.
14 years,
he was all I had.
Now I can't stand the thought
of going back to my empty apartment,
So I just keep wandering around the mall.
You know what? Forget about the...
spot.
Oh, god!
That was his name!
Do not hit him.
Oasis for men?
That's funny.
You made that sound like a question,
then you didn't wait for me to answer.
- What? - Here, let me show you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go --
You go, "Oasis for men"?
You see what I mean? You went, "Oasis for
men"?
You should have said, "Oasis for men"?
Then I'd go, "Yeah, give me two".
But instead, you went, "Oasis for men".
- Okay. I get it. - You see what I mean?
- I-I get it. I get it. - No, I'm not sure
you do!
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You sprayed before "Men"!
You went, "Oasis for men".
- Okay. Okay. - Men!
- Men! Men! - Stop it! Stop it!
- Men! Men! Men! Men! - Stop it!
- Men! Men! Men! Men! - Stop it!
Men! Men! Men! Men! Men!
Hey, Phil.
I don't know what happened.
I just...
I...
I don't know what happened.
Look, I might've come down on you a little
bit hard today.
I'm sorry.
I remember pretending to go look for some
socks...
I mean, it's, uh, my fault.
I pushed your buttons.
My father-in-law was the same way with me.
He was horrible.
Grandpa Lucas? He was a sweetheart.
Yeah, after the stroke mellowed him out
good.
Before? An animal.
We named Luke after him.
Everything I did was wrong.
If I said it was white, he'd say it was
black.
Although he never said anything was black
'cause he was a pretty big racist.
I wear his watch.
I hated him. Hated him.
And I was thinking -- I don't know --
I don't want you to think the same way about
me.
You ever think about maybe
not being a jerk to me so much?
Now, see, you got to stop taking that stuff
personally.
I'm like that with everybody.
I'm tough!
And...Mean.
I don't like to take guff!
Or people's feelings into consideration.
Okay, okay.

I can't swear my way's the right way.
I see you smiling, skipping around,
and I think sometimes -- I don't know --
maybe the boys would be better off
if they were a little bit more like you.
You know, skipping burns more calories than
running.
That's --
We're done here.
Oh, hey, listen.
He didn't tell me, but what'd you do to that
guy, huh?
Did you get him?
Yeah, I sprayed him with cologne.
I'm sorry I asked.
No, but, like, a lot of cologne.
I just, like, got way up in there.
Good boy.
Did you find anything yet?
Yes, there's a whole section on biting
on this Mommy forum.
Oh, good. What does it say?
Uh, "My son was biting,
so I got a stranger to yell at him”.
"Being disciplined by someone else outside
the family
scared him into stopping."
- Idiots! - Cam!
What? I am not hiring some hobo
to come over here and traumatize my child.
She's already prone to flashbacks,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, you know she didn't fight in Vietnam,
right?
I don't know anything anymore.
What else does it say?
Okay, well, this one says,
"When my daughter bit her brother,
I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth".
"She cried and cried, but she never bit
again".
Smiley face.
Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay.
"I waterboarded our toddler --
lol"!
Well, all right, what do you suggest we do?
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That we log off the Spanish inquisition
website
and handle this with love.
Okay, Lily...
take a bite of an apple, take a bite of a
pear
take a bite of the cookie that you left over
there
Here's one thing you should never do.
Don't bite Taylor or Brandon or Sue
because people aren't food. People aren't
food
Your friends will run away
if they're scared of being chewed
and as a side note,
private parts are private
Well...problem solved.
I know you're being sarcastic,
but you don't know that it's not.
Ow! Honey.
- Did she just bite you again? - No.
That is it. I am getting the pepper!
N -- no, you are not.
Cam, you're not doing her any favors by
being soft.
Oh, well, then, why don't you just skip the
pepper,
I'll get some pliers, and we'll pull her
teeth now!
Play relax! It's a seasoning.
Okay. Well, then, why don't you try some?
- Stop. - No. Try a little.
- Stop it. Stop it, Cam. Stop it. - No, try
a little bit.
Don't you hit me. Here. Put some in there.
- No! Well... - Ow! You bit me! Mm!
Why don't you sing me a song about it?
Oh, look at you two in your matching ties!
- Don't get me started. - Ohh, come here.
Luke, sweetie, aryou wearing cologne?
No. Dad attacked the perfume guy
and then hugged me.
I saw the boys in those adorable little
suits,
and it made me realize this dance is about
them.

It's not about me
and my petty little competition with...
with Gloria.
Just look at the walls in here.
Who wears that to a kids' dance?
I know. She looks amazing.
Okay, I'm gonna slow things down
with a blast from the past
for our chaperones.
Oh, my god.
No, I'm fine.
I'm -- I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
I need a paper towel.
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
No...
Of course you didn't. Of course you didn't.
'Cause it's gloria's night.
That's right.
It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria!
When you're done getting married...
maybe you can mop this up a little.
What was that?
It's this damn uniform.
Okay, we need to talk.
No. I am fine. I do not need to talk.
Well, you've been pushing me away the whole
week.
You've been fighting all my ideas.
That's because this is my thing, Gloria.
Why can't it be my thing, too, Claire?
Because everything is your thing!
This -- this is the one thing that was my
thing.
This is my only thing.
Oh my god, this is my only thing.
And then you come along and you steal my
thunder
with your tight dresses and your great
ideas.
I was the one that all the moms looked up
to.
I was the only one that Gus liked.
Ay! Please.
You like him so much, you can keep him.
It's not the same now that I know he likes
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Modern.Family.S02E10
you.
That sounds really insane,
but this isn't actually about gus.
Really? Because you've been talking a lot
about him.
Gloria, Gus is a symbol.
A sex symbol?
Stop it, Gloria. I'm already crying.
Claire...I didn't come here to steal your
thunder.
Your thunder is your thunder,
and my thunder is my thunder.
I know. It's just that god gave you so much
thunder.
Yeah, maybe too much.
I hate how those women look at me.
You think I don't know what they're
thinking?
"Ah, here comes the hot one with the big
boobies
that is gonna steal my husband".
And maybe they don't let their kids play
with Manny.
I volunteer because I want them to see
that there's so much more to me.
Why didn't you tell me that?
Maybe for the same reason you didn't tell
me
you had a weird thing for Gus --
It's embarrassing.
Okay. I am sorry.
I made this whole thing
into some ridiculous competition,
and...I'm pathetic.
You're not pathetic.
Okay, that's a little bit sad.
We like to think we're so smart
and we have all the answers.
And we want to pass all that on to our
children.
But...
if you scratch beneath the surface,
you don't have to dig very deep to find the
kid you were.
Which is why it's kind of crazy
that now we're raising kids of our own.
 Modern.Family.S02E10
You know what? This is a milestone.
We're accepting that our little angel isn't
perfect.
That's right. And it's okay.
I-I take it back --
she is perfect.
But I guess that's the real circle of life.
Your parents faked their way through it,
you fake your way through it,
and, hopefully,
you don't raise a serial killer.
That's not funny.
I am so sorry.
No,just come over watching movie
put the whole thing behind you.
Okay, see you in a bit.
That was Longines. He's in a very bad place.
Oh, no. What happened?
Well, apparently some maniac went crazy at
the mall
and attacked him with oasis for men.
Oh. Well, I think we all knew that day was
coming.
All right. Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Okay, honey.
Please don't hurt daddy.
All right.
"Ahh".

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Modern.Family.S02E11
Good night, sweatpea.
Good night, honey.
Mitchell!
There's a stranger in our hot tub!
Who is it?!
You do know what "stranger" means, don't
you?
Oh, my g -- oh, my god!
How long has he been there?
I saw him exactly one second before you.
You know everything I know.
Okay, I'm -- I'm calling 911.
I'm getting my bat.
Maybe we're overreacting.
Yeah, he could have a very good reason for
be --
We should at least say hello.
It's only polite.
Okay.
So I looked that coyote dead in the eye,
and I let him know, without saying a word,
"I will not harm you...
but I'm the alpha here".
And he just stared back at me...
mesmerized.
Amazing.
Turns out, Barry just moved into the
apartment upstairs
and thought the hot tub was for the whole
building.
Anyway, he's a super-cool guy, and he's
straight,
so there's no weirdness.
Aside from you turning into a 16-year-old
girl.
I did not.
Cameron, give me your arm.
Okay.
What cha doin'?
Oh, I'm studying to be a reiki master.
What I'm doing is I'm transferring my
positive energy
into Cameron,
and I'm taking out all the negative energy.
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Okay.
- Now, do you feel that? - I do.
Does it feel warm?
It does.
It feels warm, Mitchell.
Imagine that. In a hot tub.
What are you gonna do when he drives by?
I'm gonna tell him to slow down.
I think you should drag him out of his car,
and we all get turns punching him in the
stomach
until he barfs.
Honey, I think I'm just gonna turn over his
license plate
to the police.
Please.
Order a pizza and call the cops.
We'll see who gets here first.
Ever since they put those speed bumps on
Oakmont,
some lunatic driver in a crazy sports car
has been racing down our street,
and it is dangerous.
We've got kids here and babies in strollers
and moms who like to jog.
She has to run every day, or she goes crazy.
She's like a border collie.
You're comparing me to a dog?
The smartest dogs in the world.
What are you guys doing?
What the cops won't.
We are catching that speeder,
and when we do, he's gonna get an earful
of this.
Slow down, jerk!
Oh! Okay! Easy.
Oh, my god. Mom, what are you doing?
Why are you being such a freak?!
I am being a freak for safety.
And I'm doing this for you,
because I don't want anything bad to happen
to you.
Well, it's embarrassing.
Mom, you need a life.
Why can't you just volunteer at the museum
or bring pudding to old people?

Honey, if anybody's being embarrassing
right now,
it's you.
Luke, I am your father!
That takes me back to the delivery room.
That's what I said to you
when you were coming out of your mom's lady
parts.
Oh, my god, dad!
Oh, my god. I know those girls.
- What? Are you ashamed of us? - Yes!
Ooh. Sweet Valley High!,
This is that woman from the house on seventh
street!
Oh, good!
Yeah, if I sell it by the end of next month,
I dethrone Gil Thorpe as salesman of the
quarter.
That's awesome, dad.
It is awesome.
Phil Dunphy.
That's the speeder! That's the speeder!
Slow down, jerk! Slow down!
Yeah. No. Yeah, that's great.
Okay, fire away.
- 2-u-r-n-8-0-1. - Yeah. Oh, uh, just the
address.
- Yep. Okay. 1-0... - 8-0-1. 2-u-r-n. A pen.
- 1...North...Seventh... - I gave it to
dad.
- U-r... - ...Street.
- Oh, god. - Okay. 10-4.
This is gonna be my best year since 2006.
Let's go, kid. Back to the salt mine.
That's okay, Jay. I'm biking to school
today.
Good for you.
There's a bunch of cool kids
who ride their bikes every day.
Thought I'd join them.
Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What the hell is that?
My new bike. Mom got it for me yesterday.
Pretty sweet, huh?
Training wheels?
Nice ones. Custom made.
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They don't usually come on bikes this size.
- Gloria! - What's wrong?
You don't know how to ride a bike?
I know how to ride this bike.
Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.
Ay. What happened?
Did he fall?
How could he fall?
You can't send him to school
on a bike with training wheels.
They'll make fun of him.
Didn't you teach him how to ride a bike?
How could I? I don't know how to ride a bike.
2/3 of my house can't do
what a billion Chinese do.
My mother thought that riding a bike was
dangerous.
She would say, "that's how people grab
you"!
Okay, this is how it's going down.
Today I'm driving you to school,
on the weekend, I'm buying you a bike,
and I'm teaching both of you.
I'm nervous...
but I'm excited.
You two have fun. I pass.
It makes no sense.
There's no reason that thing should stay
upright.
There's no reason you should stay upright,
but it just works.
Hey, Phil. Come on in.
Laura, good day.
Well, I couldn't love this entry any more.
It's very welcoming.
Yeah, I got a thing in 10 minutes,
- so I have to make this quick. - Great.
Um, let me run through
my three-pronged approach to selling --
I only need one prong -- sell the house.
I don't want to be that yutz
who prices her house too high
so it sits around for a year
while every lookie-loo without something
to do on Sundays
is going through my underwear drawer.

What's the number?
Well, there are quite a few factors to take
into --
Need a number.
Uh, we list at 1.4.
We take anything north of 1.25.
Done!
Great!
I got all the paperwork right here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to buy me a beer
before you can put your hand up my sweater.
Oh, I had no intention --
Put on a great open house this weekend,
the listing's yours.
Bring it, Laura.
You want to test me? I've been tested my
whole life.
They could never find anything.
So, uh, Sunday 12:00 to 4:00 for the open
house?
- That works for you? - Great.
Great. Oh, and if you have any questions
or you need anything, just call.
When you work with me, you're working with
a friend.
That is so sweet. I like you.
God, I hope I don't have to fire you.
Hi. This is Claire. Leave a message.
Hey, honey. It's me.
I just finished the meeting,
and she is the perfect client.
Realistic about the price...
she wants to sell fast, and she's a real
character.
You got to...meet her.
But she's moving soon, so what's the point?
Wow, you worked late.
Yes. Brutal day. I just want to sit.
Perfect. Lily's asleep.
Barry's meeting us in the hot tub.
If you're feeling stressed,
he could give you a treatment.
Ah, that's all right.
I have an appointment with Dr. Bigfoot
tomorrow.
Okay. Here comes the judge.
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Reiki is a bunch of nonsense, Cam.
That guy is a nut.
You do this every time.
We meet a new friend,
they say one thing you don't like,
and you just write 'em off.
I do not!
Oh, really? What about "but yet Rachel"?,
"I'd love to go, but yet, I don't feel like
parking".
It's either "but" or "yet",
not both.
You're lucky no one's kicked your butt yet.
What about Thomas?
You wrote him off because
he serves the salad after the meal,
which, by the way, is very common in Europe.
What part of Europe is he from?
Pretentious-stan?
Okay, fine.
Keep judging. Don't let anyone in.
I could care less.
I think you mean you couldn't care less,
because if you could care less,
that means that you care a little bit.
All right. I'm going to the hot tub.
If I stay in here one more minute,
my head is literally gonna explode.
Well, I hope not, because if you mean
"literally" --
I don't feel safe in my own home!
Phil, honey, I need your help.
With what?
What is the one thing a speeder can't
outrun?
Ooh. Bullets. A laser.
Oh, I know -- a falcon! Dad, jump in.,
Not a good time.
- A laser falcon! - That's awesome.
Shame.
"Slow down your neighbors"!?,
No. "Slow down" --
talking to the speeder --
Who's talking to the speeder?
Your neighbors.
It doesn't say that.

Yeah, it just says "Slow down your
neighbors"!
- Phil. - I know what you were going for,
but now all I can see is "slow down your
neighbors"!
Well, you're all wrong, 'cause this is
incredibly clear.
And it's really important.
We need to put these signs up all over the
neighborhood.
I don't know. It seems kind of cowardly.
Why don't you just make an anonymous call
to the police?
I called the police, and they were totally
unhelpful.
Surprise. Surprise.
Phil, come on. Are you with me or not?
Of course I'm with you.
Who else would I be with? This guy?
I have no connection to this guy.
- Good! - No!
Fine.
Before you judge me,
I have come in second to Gil Thorpe
for salesman of the quarter seven quarters
in a row.
Seven.
Nobody remembers second best.
Oh, yeah, everybody loves Michael Jordan,
but nobody thinks of Scottie Pippen.,
The only reason I remember him
is because he's named after my favorite
musical.
- Oh, hey, Mitch. - Hey. It's Barry.
Uh, I just want to let you guys know
you got a sprinkler head that's leaking out
there.
Oh. Thanks, Barry. I'll let the gardener
know.
All right. Or maybe I could just wave my
hands over it
and heal it that way.
I'm joking.
Oh, god. That was a good one.
Look, don't worry about it.
As soon as I started talking about reiki,
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I could tell you thought I might be a little
nutty.
Was I that obvious?
You roll your eyes a lot.
Uh, no, it's true.
It's true, no.
I-I once saw a picture of myself
at a friend's poetry slam,
and all you could see were the whites of
my eyes.
Yeah, I looked like Little Orphan Annie.,
The cartoon.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I offended you.
No. Don't apologize.
Look, I -- only thing that offends me
is a man who doesn't live in his own truth.
And I appreciate how hard you're trying
not to roll your eyes right now.
'Cause I'm about to pass out!
I see it.
Okay! I'm ready!
What the hell's he wearing?
Protection pads. He needs more?
We're riding bikes. We're not training
police dogs.
All right, kid. Come on. Get on.
On board.
Attaboy.
All right, we ready?
Ride!
Be careful, papi.
Ignore her.
I've seen the kid fall down
on that moving sidewalk at the airport,
so I didn't have high hopes.
But what do you know? The kid was a natural.
Mom! It's so easy!
Bravo, Manny!
I told you!
Be careful with the bump!
Hey, wait a minute. Who's that guy?
Jay, he's gonna grab him!
Oh, no one's grabbing anyone. It's a
neighbor.
Gloria, on the other hand,
was a natural disaster.
 Modern.Family.S02E11
There are three things you want to do before Who knows?
you ride. It's probably some bored housewife
Manny. who hates her husband and hates her life,
Check your shoelaces, adjust your mirror, so she takes it out on the rest of us!
and test your bell. Or things are so good at home,
Okay. Shoelaces tied... she's out looking for problems.
the mirror is good... Trust me.
...the bell is ringing. This woman needs to get laid.
Okay, now what? I don't think that's the issue.
Ride. Here. Stick this up.
Ay, no, no, no, Jay. Send her a message from me.
Don't push me! I don't want to get hurt! Okay.
Trust me. I'm not gonna hurt you. Oh, my gosh.
You're a work of art. What happened to my sign?
If you get scratched, I don't know!
the value goes down. I put it up, I went away,
I'm making a joke to lighten the mood. I came back -- it was in pieces!
It's not working! This is so crazy.
Let's just do this. Crazy!!
Okay. Claire, this whole thing is crazy.
Slowly. Maybe we should back off a little bit.
Jay, slowly. You know what, Phil? No.
Relax. You're not gonna fall. I am not gonna back off.
I got you. Put your feet on the pedals. Okay? I am doing this for the safety of our
Now look where you're going. neighborhood.
Look where you're going! Well, what's going on here?
No, I'm falling. I'm falling. Hey, Cam.
Look straight ahead. Go, go, go. Just getting rid of some negative energy.
- Pedal! - No, Jay! Oh, well, in that case, we'll be back
What are you ringing the bell for? Tuesday.
Ay! Why you let me go, Jay?! You're all set, Mitch.
No, no! Pedal! Barry.
Look where you're going! Look where you're - Oh, man, that was -- that was great. -
going! Yeah?
I'm gonna kill you, Jay! Namaste, man.
Okay. Good day's work. - Namaste. - Namaste.
What do you say we hit the jewelry store? All right. I'm gonna get out of your hair.
Phil? I'm gonna grab a quick tub
Laura! and see if I can rustle up some food.
What are you doing? Oh, no. Hey, don't rustle.
Taking this...sign down! We're making dinner tonight. You're
I recognized your license plate. coming.
This is ridiculous! Yeah, come down.
I know. They're all over the neighborhood. - Yeah? - Yes.
What kind of lunatic does something like Thank you, Mitch.
this? See? It's working already.

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 Modern.Family.S02E11
Namaste. Yep!
What? Oh. Hey, Cameron.
You know what I'm looking for. What are you doing in there?
- He's a very nice guy. - That's not it. I'm just tidying up a little bit.
I'm sorry I made a snap judgment. What's up?
Still not it. Are you living in our daughter's princess
You were right. castle?!
There she is. What?!
Hello, Mitchell. No, don't be ridiculous.
Oh. Mrs. Ko. I'm Cameron. I'm living in here, man.
Mitchell's the other one. I'm sleeping in there.
What are you doing here? You said you had just moved in upstairs.
I just finished showing the apartment No, I said I just moved in.
upstairs. I'm -- I'm sorry. I thought it was
What do you mean? What about Barry? implied...
Who's Barry? that you're living in a dollhouse?
The new tenant. Okay. Let's not do this outside.
Nobody living up there. It's empty. All right?
- But... - You see anybody up there, you You want to go inside
call me. and talk about this like two adults?
My husband. Yes. Let's do that.
I'm coming! Great.
You two so lucky they don't let you get No --
married. - No! - It's okay. I just cleaned up.
The problem wasn't me. Come on in.
It was Jay. He's a very bad teacher. Oh, my God! You are living in here!
Very bossy. Inside voices.
I don't respond to that. Barry.
I need somebody gentle, nurturing, Are you homeless?
like a woman. Homeless?
Hey. Gloria. What's up? Are you insane?
Can you teach me how to ride a bike? Look at this place.I mean...
You can't ride a bike? Okay. I can't even believe I'm having to
I love that about you. say this,
I was beginning to think you didn't have but you can't -- you can't stay here.
any flaws. Oh, boy.
Listen, I wish I could, This is about the --
but I'm late for an open house. the body work I did with Mitchell, isn't
I could teach you. it?
- Really? - Sure. 'Cause I would understand if that was...
I'm a great bike rider. bothering you.
I've taught a bunch of my friends. No. You are living in a little girl's toy,
I never taught anyone anything. and you have to move out.
But my playdate canceled, so I was wide Okay, well, this is gonna make dinner
open. really awkward.
Barry? There's no dinner! Dinner is off!

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 Modern.Family.S02E11
Okay? Now, come on. Let's go. See, all these bad thoughts are holding you
No, no, no. Don't touch me. I don't like back.
to be touched. So how do we get rid of these bad thoughts?
You're a massage therapist. We shoot 'em out!
I'm a reiki master. Very little touching. No, don't you dare!
Okay, Barry. Listen to me. Ride!
Okay. Don't you dare!
You're a very nice man. - Ride! - Luke, stop it!
Mitchell and I like you very much. - No! - I said ride!
Thank you. No, no!
But I'm -- you're welcome. - Ride! - I'm gonna tell your mother!
I'm going to take your hand... What? That you're riding a bike?
Yes, I am. No, that you're...
Don't give me the coyote look. I'm not a Yes! I'm riding the bike!
canine. It was the greatest feeling in the world.
We're gonna walk out of here together. Luke was right.
Nobody's gonna hurt you. There was nothing to be afraid of.
Oh, this is not gonna end very well. Get off the bike! Get off the bike!
Give me your hand. - Give it to me! Give it to me! - Ay, don't
Cam?! grab me!
Mitchell! Call 911! No, no! No, don't grab me!
What's happening?! Go, go, go, go, go! Go!
Barry's a nut! Laces, mirror...
He's been living in Lily's castle! bell.
What? Slow down, jerk!
Hey, Mitchell! Thanks so much for coming. It was great to
Oh, my god! I thought he was living meet you both.
upstairs! Have a good one!
Just call the police! See you later.
Do you want me to stop and give you the whole How's it going?
story?! Hey, great. Lots of people.
I never -- I never said upstairs. Listen, I was thinking about those signs.
Mitchell! "Slow down your neighbors"!
Call 911! Stop pinching! Oh, actually, I think they meant
Okay. And just for the record, "slow down" -- talking to you --
I was right! Who's talking? "Your neighbors".
I still don't think you should judge Anyway...
people! Yeah, um, you think maybe it's possible
I said get off me! that you do drive a little too fast
Okay, Gloria. in a residential neighborhood
What scares you about riding a bike? with children present, maybe, or...
Losing control and falling down. Oh, Phil, I appreciate your concern,
Great. What else? but I am not the problem.
Somebody grabbing me? It's the crazy sign lady
That's weird. What else? who can't put a sentence together --
- Looking foolish. - Okay. that's your problem.

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Phil? Honey?
Claire?
Ohh. God.
I had to get some water.
I was chasing that crazy maniac.
I got so close.
And you just gave up?
That's not the Claire that I know.
- Get back out there! - Really?
Yeah!
Phil, I left my phone at the drugstore.
- I'll be right back. - Okay, bye.
Hey. Hi. I'm Claire Dunphy.
I'm Phil's wife.
Let's not talk her ear off.
She's got to go.
I'm Laura. Nice to meet you.
Oh, beautiful house.
Thanks.
Hey, are you going by Greenleaf?
Actually, yeah.
I just overdid it on my bike,
and I cannot get back on there.
No problem. I'll give you a ride.
That's a terrible idea.
- Why? - Why?
I wish I were one of those people
who thrives on the danger of leading a
double life.
You know, Bruce Wayne,,
Peter Parker,,
Hannah Montana.,
That's a terrible...idea,
because your bike is here.
What are you gonna do? Leave it? That's
rude!
Oh, just pick it up whenever.
Whenever?! What's "whenever"?
That's so open-ended.
Oh, stop it.
Come on, Claire. Let's fly.
Ahh. I love her energy.
I'm coming!
So, why do you want to move?
Ah, I want a high-rise with a doorman.
Besides, this neighborhood is getting a
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little crazy.
Oh, tell me about it.
There's this one whack job...
You know, don't say another word.
I bet I know exactly who you're thinking
of.
Claire was furious.
She said I betrayed her on every level.
So, I called the florist,
and I have ordered one dozen mylar
balloons.
Good luck staying mad, honey.
Come on, which civilization invent the
alphabet
I don't know.
Yes, you do.
We've been over this a hundred times.
Allow me, dad. I'm a great teacher.
Who invented the alphabet?
I...don't...know.
Luke!
I got soaked! What are you doing?!
Say it! Say it!
Luke, that's enough!
Oh, my god!
I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!
The Phoenicians! The Phoenicians!
That's...right.
Teacher of the year.
She's all yours, buddy.

Modern.Family.S02E12
Honey, honey, look, look.
She's doing that thing with her jaw again.
Poor kid. She puts so much pressure on
herself.
It's an obsessive-compulsive thing.
I have read like 100 articles about it.
Where does she get it from?
Yeah, it's -- it's a mystery.
I know.
Alex...
Honey, hi! Hi, hi, hi.
Why don't you take a little break?
Mom, the test is tomorrow morning.
I'm not taking any breaks.
Just a little -- oh, okay.
She does that jaw thing every six seconds.
It's like the hippopotamus at the
miniature-golf place.
Ohh, I've bounced so many balls off those
big teeth.
It's all about the timing!
Luke!
So close!
- Stop it, you idiot! - Hey, hey, Luke, go
to your room.
Go on!
She's got to eat.
- I did it out of love. - Go.
Look at her with the little harmonica.
I know. She's like a little junior Junior
Wells.
Where did you buy it for her?
I thought you got it for her.
Oh, no. Cam, she must have grabbed it from
that store.
Okay. Honey...
listen. Stealing is wrong.
Now, we have to go back and pay for it.
Cam, it's so far away.
No,I'm not going back there.
Tracy?
Oh, my god. Mitchell.
Uh, this is -- this is Cameron, my
partner...
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Oh. And, uh, our daughter, Lily.
Oh, Cam, this is -- this is Tracy.
Oh. "Tracy" Tracy.
- Yes. - Oh, hi.
Tracy was my high-school girlfriend.
Yes. Yes, it's true.
I had girlfriends -- quite a few, actually.
I, too, took my fair share of ladies to the
hen house.
Literally,
I did take them to the hen house.
That's the only place
you could get some privacy on a farm.
Really?
What were these -- what were these girls'
names?
Oh, well, there was Nellie Forbush...,
Betty Rizzo...,
- Eliza... - Doolittle.,
These are characters from musicals.
You're so gay,
you can't even think of real girls' names.
Kim Mcafee -- that's a real one.
"Bye Bye Birdie.",
What's new?
I got married last year.
Th-that's great.
How long are you in town for?
Just a couple of days. We're staying at my
folks'.
Oh, I want to hear all about Mitchell from
high school.
Did he have a beard?
Uh, you're looking at her.
Of course I didn't know it back then.
But we should -- we should all
we should all hang out.
Uh...no.
W-well, take care.
Okay.
Bye.
Thumpety thump-thump. Look at frosty go!
That was weird.
Well, don't worry about it. It's high
school, honey.
- Well, actually... - What?
 Modern.Family.S02E12
At our 10-year reunion, we got a little Sorry. Yeah.
drunk, It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.
started reminiscing, one thing led to Thanks, Phil.
another... - Okay, come on. Let's go have some fun!
You went back? - No!
I-I think I just wanted to see if I could. Let's go!
Turns out I could. Yes!
Where did this happen?! Doesn't this feel good, sweetheart?
Um, in the nurse's office. It's fun, right?
I can still hear the crinkling of the paper. Honestly, I think you're overly worried
After that, I-I didn't return any of her about Lily.
phone calls, It's not like she's gonna grow up to be a
and I haven't seen her since. thief.
You naughty little girl. And besides, at the end of the day,
Well, you know, that's what happens who does she learn her behavior from?
when you give me Kahlua. Us.
Hello. We're her role models.
Jay, guess who called. Like mama always said,
- The hoffmans. - Who? our children are just miniature versions
That's right. of us.
The ones from the hotel bar in Cabo. - Come on. - Cam.
They're in town for the night. They want Oh, come on, Jay.
to go to dinner. Give me one smile.
Oh, hell. The boring guy and the loudmouth? I know you want to.
I know. I was so excited that they called. Oh, come on, Jay. Give me one smile. I know
I don't want to see them. you want to.
I know! So much fun! Isn't that fun, Jay?
You're with them right now, aren't you? Oh, this has been so much fun!
Yes! Ha ha. You know, I'm surprised to hear you say
And they can't wait to see you, too! that.
Okay, pencils down. You're taking a break. You've been pretty quiet.
No, I-I can't afford to take a break. That's because I'm a listener.
Sanjay patel's not taking a break. I love to listen.
Well, obviously, Sanjay's parents don't It's my hobby.
care about him. Listening is your hobby?
Or "her". Sure.
What is that -- "Sanjay"? You guys have got to come out and visit us.
Sanjay's the only one in class Seriously. We're not taking no for an
who might do better than me, answer.
and I cannot let that happen. Yes. Yes, yes.
Honey, listen to yourself. - Oh, we would love to! - Okay, let's slow
It's just not healthy. down.
This is my fault. You're nice people.
You see me achieve excellence, We're nice people.
and it puts a lot of pressure on you. But let's be honest --
What about me? we've all tried to do that thing

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-【259】-

where we force a friendship
that isn't really there.
So why don't we just call it a day right
now
and say goodbye, shake hands,
wish each other well?
Oh, my god.
This is so uncomfortable.
No, no, but the beauty of it is
we're never gonna see each other again,
so there's no reason to be uncomfortable.
They're staying with us tonight.
Their bags are in our house.
Oh, then you were right.
This is uncomfortable.
This is uncomfortable.
Do you like it?
The recipe called for a cup of water,
but I used milk instead to make the sauce
creamier.
Cam, I need to tell you something.
You hate it.
- Cameron. - No.
You're right. I shouldn't try anything new
ever.
Stop it. I'm trying to talk to you.
Okay, today,
when we were leaving the mall,
I saw Tracy by the fountain --
Please, don't tell me you slept with her
again.
Did you? You didn't. Right?
You're joking.
Yeah.
Okay. Um...
I don't know how to say this, or -- or if
I'm even right.
I'm probably not.
But, um, she was with a redheaded boy,
about 8 years old,
which is the same number of years since
we...
No!
And she said she'd only been married a year,
and it would explain why
she was so awkward with me, and --
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No.
I know. I know. It's crazy,
but, Cam, I need to find out if he's mine.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, well, you don't just tell your
partner
you may have a baby with someone else
and expect him to go back to eating
a delicious and inventive meal
like it's nothing!
Okay, Cam, but even if he is mine,
it doesn't change anything between us.
Mitchell, I need to have my reaction.
Jay!
They order a cab. Are you happy now?
I'll be happy when I hear a trunk close.
Hey, mom. You want a drink of water?
No, pape. Not right now.
You sure? You look thirsty.
What's with you and the water today?
It's a dribble cup.
You can't drink from it without spilling.
I think it's going to make me very popular.
Ay, pape, why do you need these things
to make you popular?
First the walking stick,
- then the business cards. - Are they gone
yet?
Why did you talk to them like that?
What? I was just being honest.
They're boring as hell!
Quiet! They can hear you!
Oh, he probably already heard me.
His hobby is listening.
Jay, you don't treat people like that.
What? I should do what you do?
Pretend to like someone you don't?
I'm doing it right now.
Can I tell you something, Gloria?
When you reach a certain age,
you want to spend what precious little time
you have left
with people you actually like,
not some bozos who glommed onto you.
Tell me about it.
I've got a clingy fifth grader I can't

shake.
See, even Manny knows.
I got your back, Jay. Thirsty?
Manny, go to sleep.
Can we just please forget about this now?
And the worst thing
is that you sold me out without warning
and made me look like a fool.
Husband and wife are supposed to help each
other,
not throw each other under the bus!
I would never do that to you!
Gloria -- Gloria, wait!
Could you get my book for me? I left it
downstairs.
There you are.
Our cab is here.
I am so sorry.
Not your fault. Well, goodbye.
Ay, wait. You left this.
Oh, no, that's...for you.
In Cabo, you mentioned you were a fan
of Gabriel García Márquez.,
So, we tracked him down
and got him to sign a copy
of "One Hundred Years of Solitude" for you.
That's amazing.
Well...
No, no. Don't go.
I really want you to spend the night here.
Jay clearly doesn't.
Jay doesn't know what he wants.
I don't like to tell this to people, but,
uh...
Jay's mind is...going away.
- Oh, my god. - No.
He's so old, some nights it's like...
he's not even here.
Gloria, honey.
That's it. We're not going anywhere.
Come on.
You never came to bed.
I fell asleep in the den.
Cam, we need to talk about --
Mitchell, wait.
Listen.
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I was up all night, thinking about it.
And here's the thing.
If you would have told me 10 years ago
that I would be living with someone
and raising a beautiful baby girl,
I would have said you were crazy.
But here we are.
And you and Lily are the best things
that have ever happened to me.
So if you're telling me there's another
kid,
how can that be anything but good?
Oh, Cam, that's -- that means so --
No, it's okay.
No, I need to have my reaction.
We're gonna be okay.
So what do we do now?
I don't know. I guess I'm gonna have to --
I'm gonna have to call Tracy
and tell her that we need to talk.
Okay.
- Are you nervous? - I'm terrified.
Yes. I mean, what's this kid gonna think
of me?
I've been absent for the first eight years
of his life.
I mean, how do you make up for time like
that when --
Okay, slow down.
You're spinning out.
It's probably just a false alarm.
No, you're right.
This could be my "going bald" scare all over
again.
Yeah. And we know how that turned out.
Honey.
What would happen if the greatest
scientists on earth
got together to mate nature's two most
violent predators?
Are we talking about "Croctopus" in 3D?
At 2 10.
Book it!
Claire and I share a true love of cheesy
cinema.
Um, our favorite categories

include genetically engineered animals
gone wrong...
Old and young people switching bodies.
Uh, tough guys taking care of babies.
Any sequel three and higher.
Oh, yeah.
Usually get a new cast around five --
That's where the magic really happens.
Hey, honey, how'd your test go?
Second highest in the class.
Well, that's great.
Sanjay Patel edged me out by 12 points.
- Oh, honey, who cares what she did? - It's
a he!
Sanjay is a very common Indian boy's name.
There are like millions of them.
Sweetheart, it's still a great score.
I hope you're not beating yourself up.
- I'm not. - That's our girl.
Sanjay's dad's a surgeon. His mom's a
professor.
I can't compete with that.
I'll just have to do the best I can
with what I was given.
Good for you!
We're proud of you, honey.
She's such a good kid.
Yeah, she is.
Did she just say she was gonna do the best
with what she was given?
I don't know. I was still thinking about
all the Sanjays.
I don't know any, but I know three Miltons.
She's saying we're stupid!
Well, she's...wrong.
Is she?
Honey, look at how long it just took us
to figure out that she's insulting us.
Are we holding our kids back?
No. We're both bright people.
We're college graduates. We read.
I'd go so far as to say
we're as intellectual and sophisticated as
--
Sweet! "Croctopus" tickets confirmed!
Oh, I just think that we should offer to
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-【262】-
Modern.Family.S02E12
take Manny.
Maybe for a weekend. Something.
Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Manny. - Hey, Manny.
Where are you going?
Got a golf lesson.
My swing's a mess.
Manny's coming with me.
No, you can't go downstairs now.
You'll run into the Hoffmans.
Actually, I want to talk to them,
because I've been thinking about
what you said last night,
and I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You're right.
You never would have done that to me.
- I forgive you! - So I'll say goodbye.
No, Jay.
Don't do that.
First they think you like them.
Then they think you don't like them.
Don't confuse them.
I want to do this for you.
Jay, wait!
It's okay.
Ay, Jay, wait!
So, hey, how -- how are you handling things,
you know, with Jay?
What do you mean?
Honey, your mom told us
that Jay's, you know,
a little off his game.
A little? It's hard to watch.
It must be so frustrating for him.
Well, he does swear a lot.
You know, the worst is when he goes off into
the woods.
Oh, and when he drives --
Oh, my god. Look out.
I'm surprised he hasn't killed anybody yet!
I'm so glad you guys are still here.
I just want to say...
sorry for last night.
It's okay.
We understand.
Ay, you see? Problem is solved.
 Modern.Family.S02E12
Now go. You're going to be late. Phil, where are you going?!
There's nothing wrong with you guys. "Croctopus."
You know, it's -- it's me. Honey. Honey!
Oh, we know. I think we should go see this movie.
We went through the same thing with Steph's Why do I have to watch a French movie?
father. I didn't do anything wrong.
Now I'm confused. Well, maybe Alex has a point.
I'm Steph. How can we encourage our kids
Uh, here, Jay. I poured you a glass of to have intellectual curiosity
orange juice. when we don't have any?
Thanks, kid. I don't know.
What the hell? What's wrong with me?! It's two hours of our life.
It's always funny. Fine.
Jay, go change. For our kids.
I'll be there in one second. Sometimes I hate the kids.
Maybe we should get going. I know.
Well, at least let me drive you to the I'm so confused.
airport. I'm not.
- No, no. No, no, no. - Oh, no, no, no. I love this.
We'll call a cab. You do not.
Honey, do you want popcorn or anything? Name one thing you've liked about this.
No, I'm good... I liked the scene with the old man on the
'n' plenty. beach.
So hold your water That was a trailer for a different movie.
'cause I've got some "Twix" up my sleeve. So he's not coming back?
You may be cool, No, he's not coming back,
but I'm...wine cooler. and I'm not coming back, either!
I love us. Some of us are trying to enjoy this film.
Thank you. While Claire watched one of the most
Well, hello, Dunphy! highly acclaimed films of the year,
- Who is that? - It's the Patels, I sat through a badly made schlockfest
Sanjay's parents. with absolutely no redeeming value.
Hey. Hey, how are you? And it was awesome.
I heard Sanjay did so well on his test Oh, my god.
today. It feels like I have ink on me!
Oh, yes, we're very proud of him. Sweetheart...
Indeed. What?
Are you here to see "Deux jour de la vie"? - Oh, my god. - Honey...
Well, we're not here to see "Croctopus"! I fell asleep. I missed it.
Forgive Vish if you hear him groan. Yeah, let's go home.
He gets annoyed if the subtitles are I can't believe I fell asleep and you left.
mistranslated. Alex is right -- we're idiots.
Well, that makes "Deux" of us. Claire, stop it.
I guess we'll...see you in there. Look...
- All right. - You bet. our kid got the second-best grade in the
See you in there! class.

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 Modern.Family.S02E12
Dumb parents don't make kids that smart. Such a lovely name.
She got the best of both of us. Tracy...
Kind of like if you combined I-is he...
the jaw strength of a crocodile Yes, Mitchell.
and the ink-spraying capabilities of an He is.
octopus. Oh, my god. Oh -- okay.
You'd end up with something unstoppable. Why didn't you tell me?
But they did stop him in the end, didn't Mitchell, you and I don't have a
they? relationship anymore.
"Her". And she laid eggs. I called you after our little...
- Croctopi. - Yeah. visit to the nurse's room.
Check out Einstein over there. You never returned any of my calls.
Well, that's just sad. I-I was freaked out, Tracy, and I --
Hey, Vish. Hey, let's not rehash the past...
You just do this. ...but rather, focus on the future.
Thank you. Yes, yes. Yes, Cam and I, um,
So, did you enjoy the film? want to know if you're open...to us...
Not in the least. getting to know Bobby.
I actually found it quite two-dimensional. I don't think that's a very good idea.
Well, lovely to see you. Okay, I understand.
Good to see you, too. No, it might be a little awkward at first,
All right. Bye. but I think after some time...
Bye. We brought him a present.
After you, doctor. For Bobby?
After you, professor. Please, we just --
Mitchell, Cameron. we really just want to meet him.
Come on in. Fine.
Um, so...w-we need to talk. Okay.
About what? Bobby?
Do you mind if we sit down? Could you come out here?
Please. Hey, honey. What's up?
Um, Tracy, I...I have something to say, I wanted to introduce you to Mitchell and
and I'm afraid that if I just don't Cameron.
say it all at once, I'm never gonna say it. - This is my husband. - Hey. How ya doin'?
So... Hey, what's up, dude?
This takes me back to prom night. - How ya doin'? - Good.
Again...sorry about that. Nice to meet you.
Anyway, uh, - Hi. Cameron. - Hi, there. Yeah.
I saw you yesterday across the mall after So, uh, how do you know Tracy?
we spoke Um, uh, how -- uh, we, um...
and couldn't help but notice that you Mitchell took me to the prom.
weren't alone. - The prom. - The prom.
Uh, you were with... Oh, a redhead.
I don't even know how to put this. You really have a type, don't you?
His name...is Bobby. They got you a present?
Bobby. Oh...it's not...

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-【264】-
 Modern.Family.S02E12
- You don't need to -- - I wouldn't even
--
You don't...
"Li'l slugger"?,
I'm just gonna go and let you two catch up.
'Sup?
I never realized that you ever had sex with
a girl
I kind of got around back then, actually.
- More than one? - Please.
Well, there was Tracy. Who else?
Uh, Betty Rizzo.,
Don't remember her.
Eliza Doolittle?,
- Nellie Forbush? - These were classmates?,
Well, s-s-some were older.
S-some were younger.
Uh, Liesel and Gretel Von Trapp.,
Sisters, obviously -- too far?
I'm not an idiot.
You played that record night and day.
- Why would you tell me a thing like that?
- I just...

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Come on, let's go.
We're gonna need a little more time
at the airport security because I'm pretty
sure
that they're gonna wanna patch you down.
Manny is with his father for the weekend
so Jay and I are flying to Vegas.
I'm a little torn because I want alone time
with Gloria,
but I also like rubbing Manny's head for
good luck.
I just need to send this e-mail to Claire
why I'm not working on the bake sale next
week,
but I can't say the real reason.
Why not?
Because she drives me crazy
when she's in charge of these things.
Okay. We got a flight to catch, so let me
help you out here.
Okay.
You tell me what you want to say to her,
and I'll help you find a nice way to say
it.
I want to say...
I can't work on the bake sale
because you're a bossy control freak
that looks down on my cupcakes
even though your lemon squares were very
dry.
Done. Okay?
How's this?
"Dear claire, I can't work the bake sale
because you're a bossy control freak who
look down --"
Very funny, Jay.
I -- I -- why the whoosh?
Where is -- where is the e-mail?
It sended! Ay. Make it come back.
I don't know how to make it come back.
Now she's gonna read it,
and she's gonna think it's from me!
Well, technically, it was from you.
Come on, let's hit the road.
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It sended.
Please come back.
We love our neighborhood, but sometimes the
last thing
you want to do after fighting traffic
is get back in the car to go out to eat.
And the only restaurant within walking
distance
is Shawarma City.
Two Shawarma combo. Meat or chicken?
Uh, one meat. One chicken.
And can you make the chicken all white meat?
Number 32. Pay cashier.
Okay, that's not an answer.
Then a miracle happened.
Uh, the hottest new restaurant in the city
opened up two blocks away --
Amelia's.
But there was a problem.
They can take us at 5:15...
What are we, 80?
What are we, 20?
Then...miracle number two.
Turns out one of the mothers at Lily's
pre-school
is none other than Amelia herself.
So we arranged a play date with her son,
Jackson,
where we would, you know, charm Amelia.
Okay.
The most important play date ever,
so I'm really gonna need you to sparkle,
sweetie.
Oh, I'm gonna sparkle like it's the 4th of
July.
I was talking to Lily.
It's our parents' anniversary,
so we're surprising them with breakfast in
bed.
They're impossible to buy for...
We think.
We've never really tried.
Okay. Ready?
One, two, three...
Surpri-i-i--
Oh. Oh! No! No!

No! No! No!
- I'm sorry! - Nothing's happening!
Oh, my god.
Yeah, our kids walked in on us.
- We were, as they say, "having sex." - Oh,
god.
That's not a euphemism, Phil.
It's exactly what we were doing -- having
sex.
In front of our children.
Well, they weren't there when we started.
No.
In fact, you weren't even there when we
sta...
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
It's okay. Maybe they didn't see anything.
Sweetie, t-they screamed, they dropped a
tray of dishes,
and then they ran out of here like they were
on fire.
You were on fire, lady.
Really? You're still going?
Well, forgive me for thinking
your zesty performance deserves some
praise.
Phil, our children are downstairs right
now,
and they are probably traumatized.
Oh, come on. I'm sure it's not that bad.
I can still see it!
I can't believe that just happened!
- What were they doing? - Nothing!
Whatever it was, it looked like dad was
winning.
It! They were doing it!
He has no idea what you're taking about.
- Sex? - Yes!
I know what sex is, Alex.
It's when a man and a woman take off their
underpants
and then get into the bed.
Stop talking!
Try Claire again.
I'm not getting a signal.
Relax. We'll get her.
Hey, shorty told me about this restaurant
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in Vegas
that's got a three-story wine tower
right in the middle of it.
The guy who gets your wine flies around on
a wire.
Like the "Peter Pan".
No. Not like the "Peter Pan".
This is a high-end place.
Oh, yeah, because all the finest
restaurants in the world
have people flying around on wires.
You know, you used to go bananas
when a Japanese guy flipped a shrimp onto
your plate.
Now look at you.
- Try her again. - Fine.
And just so you know, it's not like Peter
Pan.
I mean, nobody wears tights or anything.
Well, if they're not wearing anything,
I don't want them flying over my food.
Hello.
Phil, it's me. Can I talk to Claire?
Yeah. One second, Jay.
- It's your dad. - No. No, no. Can't.
Unh-unh.
She doesn't want to talk right now.
- Ay, no. - Why not?
Uh, she's a little too upset.
Phil, put her on.
He says he wants to --
Hang up the phone.
I'm sorry, Jay.
She says I have to go.
You know, she's my daughter and everything,
but that guy seriously needs to grow a pair.
Well, we tried.
Vegas, here we come.
Turn around the car.
Only 'cause I want to.
This is a-a beautiful home.
I love the throwback to the '60s.
Although if this was the '60s,
we'd be a couple of "confirmed bachelors",
and Lily would be a Yorkie.
And I'd still be trapped in a loveless

marriage.
Oh, Amelia.
Oh, you are funny!
I really like you guys.
I mean, I haven't had a lot of time
to meet the other parents.
You know, single mom, hectic work
schedule...
Now, what do you do, Amelia?
I own a few restaurants.
I just opened one nearby.
Oh, my gosh. Are you that Amelia?
Oh, my gosh!
We've heard wonderful things about the
restaurant.
It must be doing well.
We can never seem to get a r -- a
reservation.
- Can't get in. - Can't.
Oh, well, that's no problem.
The next time you call, just tell them --
Oh. One second.
Oh, I'm sorry. Tell them what?
Hello?
Well, did you show it to him? And what did
he say?
Okay. Uh, hold on a second.
I'm gonna switch phones.
I'm sorry. It's the restaurant.
Excuse me just a minute.
You said to tell them something.
Did you hear that?
When we know what to say, we're in.
Oh! This is very exciting.
I've never had an in at a restaurant before.
They'll probably greet us at the door by
our names,
show us to our favorite table...
They'll let us play fast and loose with the
menu,
order lunch things for dinner, dinner
things for lunch!
- It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. -
Cameron!
- It's fine. - Stop moving.
You there?
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Put him on the phone.
Oh, that's the baby monitor. Should we turn
it off?
Who am I speaking to?
Well...Mr. Campbell,
you need to replace the extremely expensive
countertop
that one of your incompetent workers
clearly ruined
when he was supposed to be fixing the
refrigerator.
Okay, this is why she's so successful.
She's tough but calm.
Because I'm not an idiot!!
As is evidenced by my law degree,
which I will happily dust off and use to
crush you in court
if you don't fix it, replace it,
or send me a check in the next 72 hours.
You know what? Stay right there.
Don't move.
Act like you weren't listening.
What does that look like?
I'm so sorry.
I have to run down to the restaurant for
a minute.
I really feel terrible asking,
but do -- would you guys mind --
- Oh, it's not a problem. We'll watch the
kids. - Okay.
Oh, yes, you go take care
of that fabulous restaurant of yours
that we cannot wait to try.
And when we do call, Amelia, you said to
--
Jackson, mommy will be right back.
Okay. Thanks, you guys, so much.
I owe you big time.
Did you hear that?
She owes us big time.
You know, she also has that restaurant in
Las Vegas
where the sommeliers fly around on wires.
Oh, my gosh. Lily, thank you for being such
a trouper
with Mr. Personality over there.

I'm gonna get you a treat.
Oh, a juice box broke in here. It's all wet
inside.
Will you stop gasping? It's just a diaper
--
Okay. We need a game plan.
We need to rehearse exactly what we're
gonna say
because that is the only way I'm gonna hold
it together
when my babies are looking at me
with judgment and disgust.
First of all, that's how they always look
at us.
Oh, Phil.
Secondly, this isn't as traumatic as you
think.
Honey, I walked in on my parents having sex
once.
It was -- oh -- awful.
I can't even get the image out of my mind.
Claire, we're not your parents. We're in
much better shape.
Okay. You want to know the worst thing?
They didn't even talk about it.
They just let it hang there.
I'm not gonna do that to our kids.
Phil, this --
this is a defining moment for us as parents.
How we handle this could shape how they feel
about sex and intimacy for the rest of their
lives!
Claire. Honey.
Honey, this is only a big deal if we make
it a big deal.
We set the tone here. So let's just play
it cool.
Act like it was a big, funny mix-up.
Crack a few jokes. Lighten the mood.
Jokes.
What kind of jokes?
Well, this is...
I'm just spitballin' here, but --
What if I was all, "Knock, knock"...
and they were like, "Who's there"?
And I was all, "Someone who doesn't want
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to see
their parents doing it.
That's why we knocked".
Again, this is -- this is very rough.
Why are they still up there?
How long does sex take?
Oh, my god. Stop talking.
Did you guys notice
that dad had the same look on his face
as when he smells a new car?
I need to leave.
I need to go to camp.
This is gonna be so weird when they come
down.
Let's just go. Okay? Come on.
Wait. But I'm hungry.
We'll get breakfast. Let's just go. Come
on!
Let's go. Come on.
Where are you going?
Anywhere.
Where is your mother? I need to talk to her.
I don't think it's a good time right now.
She won't come out of her room.
She's really upset, isn't she?
Big time.
How'd you know?
We called.
Tell me exactly what she said.
I don't know. There was just a lot of
screaming.
Where was your father when all this was
going on?
Oh, he was right behind her.
Oh! It's not coming out! It's not coming
out!
Blot! Don't rub! Blot!
We are beyond blotting and rubbing.
I think we've moved on to sweating and
crying.
Okay, okay. Let's not panic.
We'll just -- we'll tell Amelia what
happened,
and then we'll pay to have it cleaned.
What if it can't be cleaned, Mitchell?!
Okay, okay. Then we'll pay for a new rug.

Are you insane?
This is a limited-edition alpaca hand-made
stark rug!
I saw it in Architectural Digest.
It cost $50,000. It was in Diane Keaton's
house.,
Oh, no, it was in, oh, what's-her-name's
house.
Um, from "Prizzi's Honor".
From -- uh, oh, oh, she was in "Addams
Family".
You know, she --
Anjelica Huston!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh! Oh, my god. $50,000 for a rug?!
Cam, we don't have that kind of money.
Maybe she won't make us pay.
I mean, we wouldn't make someone pay
if this happened to us.
Did you not hear her on the phone?
"Fix it. Replace it. Write me a check".
She probably has that embroidered on a
pillow.
Right next to a jar of human tears.
Maybe we can turn this around.
How? It looks like someone bled out over
here.
No. I mean the rug.
Maybe we can turn the whole rug around,
put it under the couch.
See? No one would ever know it's there.
Well, you know, we would know.
Well...
What are you thinking?
You don't want to know.
No, tell me, 'cause I'm --
I think I'm thinking the same thing.
I seriously doubt that,
because now I'm thinking it was Joan
Collins' house.
Okay.
Great.
Gloria, what are you -- what are you doing
here?
Wait, where are the kids?
They just left.
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They told me that you were very upset.
- Oh, god. -And you have every right to be.
It was bad.
I know that.
Claire, it was an accident.
That doesn't make it any better.
Okay, you're right. I know how you feel.
- Oh, god. - It happened to me before,
with another woman.
And that time, I was the one getting it.
And it hurt.
I'm sorry it had to come out like this,
but you have to admit that you're only happy
when you're the one cracking the whip.
What?
Come on.
We all know how you ride Phil.,
But maybe if you just let go a little,
maybe even taste my cupcakes,,
I will join you.
No -- unh-unh. No. No.
I-I am so confused right now.
I may pass out.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
The kids just walked in on
me and Phil I-in bed.
And we've just spent the last hour
holed up in our room
trying to figure out what to say to them.
That's what I'm talking about.
Can I use your computer? I just need to
check one e-mail.
Yeah, the kitchen.
Gloria, I just switched us to the next
flight.
Now, did you guys get everything
straightened out?
Claire is very upset
because the kids just walk in on them having
sex.
Aw, geez.
Oh, then we're all up to speed.
She's so upset that she hasn't even had time
to apply her make-up or use her computer.
W-what are you even doing here, dad?

I don't think you should be the one
doing the questioning here, missy.
Don't get mad at her.
Your wife's the one who just offered up her
cupcakes.,
Phil.
Good thing we had mom's gas card.
Don't make me regret buying you that
lighter, dude.
Put it down.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
Our parents are totally irresponsible.
And I'm not just talking about us walking
in
on their...little freak show earlier.
Just let it go.
No. We're lucky to be alive.
How often do they let Luke go -- go to school
in shorts in the winter?
And they let me ride in the front seat
before I was 60 pounds.
And they never shut the gate
at the top of the stairs when we were
babies.
Do you know how many times you fell on your
head?
Do you?
No.
We get it -- it was bad.
But, you know, I --
I guess...
it's better than having parents who fight
all the time.
Maybe.
My friend Jacob's parents are getting
divorced.
He has to move out of his house.
They told him last week.
That sucks.
He'll get used to it.
Half of my friends' parents are divorced.
Mine too.
It's insane.
So it's a good thing mom and dad still do
sex.
Better than mom leaving the stove on,
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which she's done twice this month.
I just realized we haven't even gotten
to the worst part of it yet.
Which is?
They're gonna want to talk about it.
Well, maybe not.
Are you kidding?
Their parents never talked about anything,
so they want to talk about everything.
Yeah, they called a family meeting
when we switched to 1% milk.
I don't know where those kids are.
What is more important
than putting a working lock on a bedroom
door?
You are one to talk.
What is that supposed to mean?
You don't remember
when I walked in on you and mom that time?
Gloria, can we please go now?!
So why don't you just get off your high
horse, dad.
At least I am trying to handle this
better than the two of you did.
What did we do?
You made gimlets and went back to your room.
What were we supposed to do?
You -- you -- you could have talked to me.
You could have made sure that I was okay.
Want to talk about it?
Yes. Fine.
Your mother and I were watching
a particularly racy episode of "Hart to
Hart".
Stefanie Powers had to go undercover as a
call girl.
- Mnh-mnh. Dad. - Hang on.
This whole story makes more sense
if you know I got a thing for thigh-high
boots.
Oh, gross! Gross. You are ruining sex for
me,
and boots.
Working okay for you?
Oh, yes.
I was sending an e-mail to my brother in
 Modern.Family.S02E13
Colombia. of reading this situation the wrong way,
Um, I was telling him about Claire. but I'm 80% sure you're coming on to me.
You know, I realize there's so much I don't Okay, now...40%.
know about her. Mitchell, we need to make a decision.
Like, for example, what is her favorite It was the perfect plan.
word? Turn the rug, and she wouldn't find the
Or what was her first pet's name? stain for years.
Gloria, I'm not an idiot. But we couldn't do it.
Are you trying to get Claire's password? We're too honest.
Okay, fine. There are certain moments in life that
I sent her something by mistake. define you,
I need to get into Claire's e-mail and this is one of those moments.
to erase it before she sees it. Oh, guys, I'm so sorry that took so long.
Before I see what? Oh, my god. What happened here?
Hola, Claire. Jackson did it.
Hi, Gloria. He grabbed Lily's strawberry juice and
Before I see what? started drinking it.
It's so embarrassing. What?
You see, Jay and I -- Before we could stop him, it was all over
It's a naked picture of Gloria. everything.
Yes. - Oh, my god. Oh, my god! - We are horrible
Naked. people.
I was gonna send it to Jay. I'm only following your lead.
You see everything. The whole body. Yeah, so close that you stepped on the back
- I need to sit. - Okay. of my shoe.
Wow, dad. - Come here. Jackson's allergic to
So, you just got done giving me a lecture strawberries. - What?
on the importance of locking my bedroom His throat will close up,
door and he can go into anaphylactic shock.
while in my house to retrieve naked I need to inject him right now!
pictures Oh! Are you sure? He seems all right to me.
that your wife accidentally sent me. Yeah, maybe just get him some fresh air.
The irony is just occurring to me. Stop talking! He really hates this.
What are you doing? And so I'm gonna need you
What I'm doing...is deleting it. to help me pin down his arms and his legs,
Good for you. okay?
Let's go to Vegas! - You know what? - Jackson, honey,
Ciao! mommy's so sorry to have to do this,
Do us a favor -- no pictures. - Amelia -- - but it's only gonna hurt for
Oh, Gloria, listen. a second.
We do need to talk about the bake sale at His arms!!
some point. Okay. Hurry. Here we go.
I have some concerns. One, two --
- Of course you do. - Yes. - All right! - Wait! - Wait!
What do we do now? Jackson didn't drink the juice!
Okay, I'm really afraid I stepped on Lily's bag and a juice box fell

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 Modern.Family.S02E13
and we panicked Totally.
because we heard you on the phone You talked to us on our level
and we can't afford Joan Collins' rug! but without being condescending!
We are so, so sorry. We could not feel any We did.
worse. All right.
Oh, no. That's bad. I guess we did.
Number 19! Yay, us.
- Number 19! - Yeah. Yeah. I think we really handled that well.
Oh, uh, can we have some napkins, please? Me too. You were excellent.
All out of napkins. You were pretty good.
Paper towels in bathroom, Mitchell. Ugh, this is such a weird day.
He knows your name! I know it.
And, uh...I'm just gonna say it -- By the way...
I'm really sorry about what happened. happy anniversary.
Well, we're -- we're not sorry about what It always is.
happened. Hey mom, can I get --
We're sorry that you saw what happened. Oh, my god! Enough!
Yeah, okay. They -- they get that. Hey, what's this?
Let's see. Your anniversary present.
Uh, no one wants to see their parents... That's very sweet.
- Your sensuality... - ...not dressed. My goodness.
Basically, it's two adults. What is it?
Adults. A door lock.
It's like you're shaking hands. How embarrassing.
But you're not using your hands at all. Thank you.
I can't handle a big family talk about this. We'll use it all the time.
We're not gonna have a choice. We thought the lock was a really good idea.
So when they start talking, The problem is it makes a noise.
just smile and nod and think about A loud noise.
something else. It's hard for me to look at dad afterwards.
Yeah, it's easy. Just like at school.
So, I-I guess what I'm saying here
is that as you get older
and...explore your sexuality, you will
discover
that as long as you are in a committed
relationship
with consenting adults,
there's really nothing to be embarrassed
about.
And let's face it -- your mom can't keep
her hands off me
whenever the gun show comes to town.
Good one, dad.
Humor makes difficult situations easier!
Wow. Really?

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So, honey, Ibiza can only
take us at 6:30 tonight.
Great. I will meet you at Ibiza.
It's pronounced "Ibeetha", not "Ibeeza".
Oh, thanks, honey.
That reminds me - this weekend,
I want to see that baby panda at the "thoo".
Yeah... I'm the idiot.
This year for Valentine's Day,
we're gonna have a nice,
quiet dinner at Ibiza.
Last year, we, um...
We overreached... a little.
We created sexy alter egos
Clive and Juliana
met in the hotel bar.
This one lost her panties
in the lobby in front of her dad...
- Phil. - Which was still
it was hard. It was hard for her.
You know I can't stand it when you use that
word.
- "Panties"? - Yeah, that. Yes. That word.
Sorry. She lost her underpanties.
- So? - So?
Well, huh? So?
- What's happening? - Flowers?
Is someone pointing a gun at you?
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Did you get the flowers Lily and I sent you?
Oh, that's so sweet. No. No, I didn't get
anything.
Really? Did you check with that assistant
of yours?
Broderick!
Uh, did you get any flowers today?
No. Sadly, I'm without Valentine this year.
No, for Mitchell! The flowers are for
Mitchell!
Oh, that's right.
Oops.
Mitchell's assistant has a huge crush on
him.
He does not.
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And I think the only prudent thing
to do is say, "You're fired. "
Don't be jealous.
He just looks up to me.
The thing about Mitchell is he can be naive.
He is completely unaware of how absolutely
adorable he is.
Oh. Okay, well, thank you.
But I am aware when someone has a crush on
me,
and he does not have a crush on me.
Yes, he has a crash on me.
I was a little concerned when
they said they could only take us at 6:30,
but...
I know. This house is on fire, right?
Now, this is how you do V-Day.
Except most of these people
could have been here on V-E Day.
But it's classy, which we deserve.
Yes, we do.
What were we thinking last year,
acting like a couple of teenagers?
I know. Oh!
Hey, we've had our crazy Valentine's Days.
We tore it up!
But you got to know when to let that stuff
go.
Yeah.
All those kids out there are
just looking for something that we've
already got.
Yeah.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Oh, my gosh!
- Are you okay? - I'm good. We're good.
Are you all right?
This is my first day in one of these things.
Oh, hey, let me, let me help you out.
How about I park it over there for you,
okay?
Oh, thank you.
Here's your valet ticket.
I'm kidding, actually. That's my valet
ticket.
All right.

Let's see.
Lefty loosey, righty tighty. Hey!
All right.
This is fun, Claire. You got to try this.
Phil.
- He is the natural. - Thank you.
I know Phil and I are gonna grow old
together someday...
This thing needs mirrors.
But today is not that day.
Hello?
Hello, may I speak to Clive?
I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number.
Bye-bye.
I got disconnected. Would you mind
redialing?
Hello?
Hello, Clive. This is Juliana.
Look lady, please stop calling me.
- This is... - No. Phil. Phil. Phil. Don't
hang up.
- Claire? - No, no, no. Not Claire.
Juliana.
And you're Clive Bixby, remember?
We met at the hotel bar last year.
Now... make up some lie, ditch that wife
of yours,
and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes.
You think you can you manage that?
Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for
16 years.
Okay. See ya.
So... Champagne?
Um, actually, Claire, something's come up.
So... gotta go.
You're not ditching me here on Valentine's
Day.
Screw that. Sit.
But... o- okay.
We'll - we'll stay.
- Phil. - Oh, that's part of it?
So hot!
Claire. I'm leaving. Deal with it.
So, no one walks anymore!
Should be just few more minutes.
When is our reservation?
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Here's the thing.
No, not "the thing. " I hate "the thing".
My secretary screwed up and
didn't get us one. Don't worry.
I'll slip the guy a few bucks.
What kind of idiot messes up two
Valentine's in a row?
Not this idiot.
Two months ago, I booked a private chef,
musicians - the works...
for a romantic dinner at home.
I just had to get the senorita out
of the house while they set up.
This is 50 bucks. Do not give us a table.
What's the money for?
You also must refuse my wife. She's very
persuasive.
Just a couple more minutes.
So we don't get the table at the fancy
restaurant,
which drives Gloria crazy.
"Jay, why you not be no more romantic to
me?".
We walk in the door, and bam!
She looks like a big idiot.
And isn't that what Valentine's Day is all
about?
Jay, come here. We're in.
Your secretary didn't forget. Look.
Pritchett for two.
Just a reminder. I need the television at
8:00.
Jeremy and I have a phone date
to watch "Love Actually".
That's the lamest plan ever, and I'm
jealous.
So, my boyfriend, David,
blows me off on
the most romantic night of the year - to
study!
This is the worst Valentine's Day.
Best Valentine's Day ever!
David stands up Haley,
and old boyfriend Dylan is out of the
picture.
I'm not saying I miss Dylan,

but at least he was romantic.
David never sent me a jar of his own tears.
I'm playing the long game here.
Like me today, love me tomorrow.
She's had the romantic. She's had the
intellectual.
How about all of that in one fine,
little brown package?
- I've hit a new low. - You can talk to me.
And I'm lower.
Just picking up some things.
I am not here.
Name tags, name tags, name tags.
Come on! Bingo!
I know what to do.
Dylan's been texting me again.
Bet if David knew that,
he'd come running right over here.
Wait. Before you start playing these games,
let me ask you one simple question...
Who is Haley Dunphy?
- Don't do it, Haley! - Stop following me.
Let me just say my piece.
No.
Look, you can be the Haley
who defines herself as David's girlfriend,
or Dylan's girlfriend,
or you can be your own Haley.
Maybe you haven't met her,
but I know her.
She's an amazing person.
So when you're ready, I'd like to introduce
you.
Cameron! Is there something I can do you
for?
No. I just came by to pick up my man.
I'm taking him to Ibiza tonight.
Ooh, I've heard good things about Ibiza.
But I'm afraid he may have to meet you
there.
He's in the middle of a meeting.
On Valentine's night?
I didn't realize when I scheduled it. It's
my fault.
Gasp. I'm shocked.
I could drop him off at
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the restaurant as soon as they wrap it up.
Oh, aren't you a dear?
I'd like to mount your head in my trophy
room.
Cam!
Wait.
Have I upset you in any way?
Oh, please. Let's not play this game.
We both know what's going on.
Have I been that obvious?
Uh, the flowers that don't get delivered,
the Valentine's Day plans that get
interrupted...
Do I really need to spell it out for you?
Me, Mitchell - wedge.
Don't hate me. It's just...
so hard to see someone
else have something you want and can't
have.
Does Broderick have a crush? Yes.
On someone he frequently sees at the
office?
Yes.
Does that man have red hair and a beard?
No, but his boyfriend does.
It's me. The - the crush is on me.
This is you.
Oh, did I validate you?
Oh, yes.
- Appletini? - It was.
You're looking handsome as ever, Clive.
As are you, Juliana.
You look hot enough to cook a pizza on...
in.
I see the speaker business is treating you
well.
I don't like to talk about money...
but I have exactly $10 million...
minus the cost of your next drink.
Two. Just two appletinis, please.
Thank you so much.
Yeah...
Why do I get the feeling you're not really
a salesman?
Ohh... pretty and smart.
or should I say "pretty smart"?

I might do some high-risk work for
Uncle Sam that takes me clear around the
country.
Mm, so you could say you're a...
national man of mystery.
- Never did catch what you do. - Didn't you?
Surprising, I know. I'm usually
pretty good at catching things from women
in bars.
Well... Clive, I am just a bored housewife
with a dark side and an hour to kill
Is that what I think it is?
It's not a gift card. Or maybe it is.
I'll be upstairs, Clive. Don't take too
long.
I never do.
- Jay, relax. - I'm sorry. The place is a
dump.
- It's beautiful. - Nothing good on the
menu.
You see the hands on our waiter?
Looks like he's been birthing hogs.
Let's just get out of here.
I don't know what's wrong with you tonight,
but I'm hungry, I look fantastic,
we're staying.
Five-course dinner waiting at home,
and she's strapping on the feed bag at
Ibiza.
But then an angel from heaven saved the
night.
You took our reservation!
"Pritchett for two" is us.
Come on, let's go! Move your bottom. Come
on. Come on.
A big gay angel.
- Hello. - Hello, Clive.
How close are you?
I am right outside your door.
- Are you ready? - Oh, I'm ready.
I don't think you are, because I can still
hear your pants.
Well, maybe I should just shut them up.
I'll be out in a minute.
So... will... I.
Juliana?
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Clive, where are you?
You have to come find me.
Hello?
Clive, I give up. Where are you?
I'm right here on the bed.
Phil, what room are you in?
- Who's this "Phil"? - Seriously, what room
are you in?
- I'm in... 702. - I'm in 226.
What?!
Well, w-whose room is this, then?
There's been a tiny mistake.
By the way, I need to apologize to you.
I'm sorry I got so silly with all that
Broderick stuff earlier.
Oh, please, do not worry about it.
Cam, I like it when you get a little
jealous.
Cut it out.
As long as we can agree
he does not have a crush on me.
Absolutely.
- So, to us. - To us.
He does not have a crush on you.
- No. - Nope.
Why do I feel like you're hinting at
something?
Mitchell,
we have talked long enough about
Broderick's crush,
which he does not have...
on you.
- Oh, my God, what? - Okay, fine.
Since you won't let it go...
your assistant is hot for me.
That's why he's been playing the saboteur.
And you're sure it's not because he wants
me?
You just said he didn't.
Well, I was protecting your feelings.
He hugged me in the elevator.
Well, pick out china
and move to Vermont.
He said it kills him to see someone else
have something he wants.
Yes. Yes. You're the someone and I'm the

something.
Okay. All right.
- Call him. - Call him?
Call him.
Why don't we just go over to
his house and stand on opposite sides of
the room
and see which one of us he runs to?
You get the check. I'll get the car.
We are not going over there.
And we're not calling him.
Cam, who cares which one of us he has a crush
on?
The important thing is, I have a crush on
you.
And I wouldn't blame Broderick if he did,
too.
That's so sweet.
I- I wouldn't blame him if he had a crush
on you, either.
Good.
- "Good" What? - Just, good.
"Good" meaning we're done with this, or
"Good" meaning you still think he has a
crush on you?
Oh, Cam!
- The second one. - I'm getting the car.
Would you please just come in the house?!
You had a whole year to plan, but you don't
make an effort.
I am the second wife, Jay.
Why do you treat me like I'm the first?
Look about it inside. Where are you going?
I'm gonna take a ride. I need to cool down.
Just come in the house. I promise you'll
feel better.
I don't want to go in there.
You're gonna like it better inside.
Don't hold me back.
I'm sorry about this, honey. I'm sorry.
Jay, what are you doing? Are you crazy?!
What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
No, but you're about to.
Happy Valentine's Day!
What the hell?
Gloria!
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Honey.
I'm going for a drive.
I had a whole private dinner planned.
I don't know what happened.
But I do. I know exactly what happened!
No, you don't.
- What the hell? - I win!
I see you sneaking around, trying to trick
me,
so when I figure it out,
I move the party over here, and I trick you.
I win!
What do you mean, you win?
I know you think I think you're not
romantic,
but I think you think I'm not smarter than
you.
So now we know.
You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you.
And I bought you a motorcycle.
Oh, my God. It's fantastic.
I win again!
Honey, I love all this, but you can't win
Valentine's Day.
I mean, you defeat the whole idea
if you make it into some silly competition.
Shut up. I win.
- Let's go. - So we're really doing this?
- Oh, we're doing this. - Well, it's gonna
be me.
- I'm already embarrassed for you. - All
right.
- Oh, wait. - What?
- Oh, it's a text from Broderick. - Read
it.
"Mitchell, by now I'm sure Cameron
has told you what happened in the elevator.
While I meant every word I said,
I realize how unprofessional I was.
Please accept my resignation.
What you have with Cam is very special,
and I would never forgive myself if I came
between you.
Treasure each other. Sincerely,
Broderick".
- Oh, Cam, what are we doing here? - I don't

know.
Maybe if some assistant's crush
is so important to us,
it means we should appreciate each other
a little bit more.
Well, I can't think of a better time to
start. Come here.
And the great thing about that text
is we don't have to know which one of us
he wanted.
I know.
I know.
What are you doing?
Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.
Sweetie, let's not push it.
You almost got arrested tonight.
That's how it's gonna be?
- You're just giving up on us? - I am not
giving up on us.
I am giving up on Clive and Juliana.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know a couple of people who could possibly
save this night.
Maybe you've heard of them...
"Two American kids, doing the best that
they can..."
Phil and Claire Dunphy.
I am not going back to that hotel tonight,
and I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to.
Don't need to. Phil and Claire have a
bedroom,
which they can turn into a hotel whenever
they want.
But the kids...
They're not expecting us home this early.
So, you up for a little adventure...
Claire?
Do you think you can handle it...
Phil?
"I can't be the girl you want me to be,
David.
"I can only be me. Goodbye. Haley."
Send it.
- I don't know. - Here, I'll help you.
No, no, no, no, no!
Wow.
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That feels really good.
Because you're free.
And really scary. I haven't been single
since I was 9.
That's why you need to take your time now...
Really get to know yourself before you make
any decisions...
Five, six years maybe.
Years?! I have to call David.
The boy who tossed you aside on Valentine's
Day?
No.
You deserve better, Haley,
a dreamer, a poet.
Wait for him.
He may be closer than you think.
Do you hear music?
Yes, and the fact that you hear it, too...
Is that Dylan?!
Oh my God!
*Imagine me naked.*
Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?
You are. You're really bad.
*Without my best friend.*
You know, the old Haley would have...
- I love you, baby! - Haley!
Salud, Jay!
- There's my back. - Phil.
- Oh, no, keep the change. - Oh, thanks.
Did you put an extra tiramisu in here?
- Maybe. - Ryan, again?
I just like coming here.
I tell you, if you were single...
- Ryan! - Ryan!

Modern.Family.S02E15
It's so unfair. You told me I could go.
I told you you could go if you
got a B on your History exam, which you
didn't.
I have a learning disability.
The letters jump around on the page
and appear backwards.
Honey, we had you tested like six times.
Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.
Oh, my God, why can't you ever let me have
any fun?!
Ew. Ew. Dad, gross.
Your hand smells like cheese!
I didn't want to dirty a knife. Sit.
Now, we all know when Nana Dede comes to
visit,
- your mom can get a little... - Psycho?
- Scary. - Drunk?
All true.
Therefore, I need you guys to be on your
best behavior.
Don't worry. I'll keep to myself.
I have to practice for my cello recital.
Ohh, fine.
You know what? If it keeps you out of your
mom's hair, yes,
do that.
Luke, if your mom starts to lose it,
I need you to lighten the mood by being
extra cute.
No problem. I've got some stuff prepared.
"Hey, mom, I'm firsty".
Heh? Adorable, right?
Yeah, that's... that's good.
Don't worry. It works better in my jammies.
Cam, Monica can't come to Lily's birthday
party this weekend.
Her mom's gonna be in Chicago.
Oh, that's fantastic! What part is she
playing?
The city of Chicago.
Okay. Gun to your head...
which pair should I wear?
Oh. Gun to my head.
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I'd say, pull the trigger.
What's that supposed to mean?
No Fizbo.
Okay, w-why?!
C-Cam, the center of attention at Lily's
party should be Lily,
not Fizbo the needy clown.
I'm sorry. Excuse me. "Needy"?
"Why aren't they laughing, Mitchell?
"Why aren't they clapping
when I'm pulling the handkerchief out of
my mouth?"
It's 10 feet long
with boxer shorts at the end.
It works on so many levels.
Yeah. Well, also,
it's a princess theme party, so...
I guess you just don't respect party
themes.
You did not just say that.
I'm sorry. That was... That was crossing
a line.
Yes, it was.
So? Can Fizbo come to the party?
No! No!
You are Lily's dad. Just be there as her
dad.
Are you implying I'm not being a good dad
now?
Well, if the shoe fits...
They don't. They're comically large.
Hey, mom.
Dad and nana just pulled in.
Claire bear!
Ohh. Oh, my sweet girl!
Gosh, I forget that you're all grown up.
You know, in my mind, you're still 12.
Well, look at us... just two old ladies.
We're home!
Oh, good.
And we bought Lily a beautiful birthday
gift.
Yeah. I was pushing for a cashmere throw.
Look, Jay. It's a talking storybook.
We record ourselves reading it,
and then at night,
 Modern.Family.S02E15
Lily can hear our voices before she goes I-I read it
to sleep. because I wanted to see if you were on
Terrible idea. drugs.
Unlike the timelessness of cashmere. It's called parenting, Claire.
Enough with the cashmere! - So, mom, what's going on with Chad... -
Why is it a terrible idea? Okay, buddy.
Don't you remember the answering-machine we're gonna need you on the front lines
message? sooner than expected.
Hi, you've reached Jay... Are you ready to be cute?
And Gloria. - Please. - Go get 'em.
Please leave a message after the... Hi, mommy. My tummy's growling.
You didn't say "beep". Can I have some pas-ghetti?
If I say "beep", Sweetie, you're hurting me.
then the people will think it's the beep. And take a shower tonight. Your hair smells
No, I think they're gonna know to wait for like cheese.
the actual beep. I'll get it.
- I don't think they'll know. - Just trust Okay, I need a giant lollipop,
me. and I need it now.
Okay, fine. Oh, there's my girl!
- Hi, you've reached Jay... - And Gloria. Oh, my God.
Please leave a message after the beeeeeep! - Robbie?! - Look at you!
What was that? Surprise!
You told me to make the beep. I invited him to dinner!
No, I didn't tell you to make the beep. What?
I told you to say the word "beep." Didn't I tell you she'd be excited?
If I say the word, Huh? I... Uh-huh.
then people think it's the beep. I don't know what to say.
- It's not the beep! - Then why even say Well, maybe a fuzzy navel wine cooler will
it?! loosen you up.
So, anyways, Sure used to.
you'll never guess who I saw at the airport. Hey, honey, who's this?
Mm. Who's that? This is, um...
Robbie Sullivan. Robbie...
Robbie... my Robbie Sullivan from high My boyfriend from when I was 17 years old,
school? whom my mom invited to dinner.
God, I haven't seen him in...years. Fasten your seatbelts.
Decades, really. Phil Dunphy.
I always liked him. Hey, Phil. How do you know Claire?
And as I recall, I know Claire from being married to Claire.
the two of you couldn't keep your hands off Wait a minute. Uh...
each other. Mom didn't mention that I'm married
Oh, really, mom? - with three kids? - No. All she said
That's...not true. was that you were still trying to figure
It is true. I read it in your diary. out your life.
You read my diary! - Really? - Yeah.
Well...Yeah. - Okay. Mom? - Dede?

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-【281】-

- Aren't we all? - Uh, no. Not really.
Why would you not mention that I'm married?
Oh, God, Claire.
Not everything in a conversation is about
you.
Mom...
...I could use some help in the kitchen.
Your words, not mine.
You came here in a limo?
Yep. That's right, little dude.
Are you rich?
Luke, that's not polite.
Maybe Robbie isn't rich,
but he needs a limo because he has a lot
of DUIs.
Nope. It's nothing like that.
The truth is, Luke, I am rich,
but not with money.
I've got my abs,
I've got my hair,
and I've got a super-sweet job driving that
limo outside.
- Cool. - It is cool.
Hey, Luke, who's taller?
Me or your dad?
Oh... I don't think we need to...
I am just wearing socks, buddy.
I just don't understand why you invited him
to my house.
Because he's an old friend.
What was I gonna do... not invite him?
Yes. Yes.
Sweetheart, I don't know about you,
but that is not the way I was raised.
You raised me.
You're overthinking this.
I was thinking that it might be a hoot
for you to see him again.
And did you think it might be a hoot to ask
me first?
No. If I'd asked you, you would have said
no.
Of course, mom. Of course I would have said
no.
Oh. And I'm the bad guy.
Honestly, Claire,
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I wish I had a tape recorder.
"Once upon a time, there lived a family of
bears.
"There was papa bear"...
That's you, Jay.
Ah. Okay. Let's see.
Do you want me to hold it and stand in the
driveway?
"Holy mackerel, this is good salmon."
I feel like they missed an oppor...
"I don't want to eat the fish.
They are my friends!"
What kind of voice is that?
- I am a bear. - A bear?
I was gonna get a crucifix.
"And then the baby bear said..."
"Good night, mama. Good night, papa.
This has been the best day ever."
"And after she kissed her parents good
night,
"she drifted off to sleep.
"The end."
She? Baby bear's a girl?
We have to do it over.
I would have played it totally different.
- I think you nailed it. - And what's that
supposed to mean?
Manny, you're fine.
But, Jay, I need to tell you something.
It's a bear, Gloria. I did the best I could.
No. I don't want you to get upset about
this,
but I'm not going to the party.
What?
Yeah, it's because your ex-wife is going
to be there,
and we're never good together.
I'm feeling very nervous.
It's better that I stay here.
Wow. I...
I don't know what to say.
Greatest news ever!
So you're okay with this?
Well, I wouldn't say I'm okay with it, but
I get it.
I feel like I'm in the same boat with your

friend's daughter's
first communion coming up.
I always felt like the husband never liked
me.
Maybe you're right.
I should probably skip it.
Wait, wait, wait.
So Robbie Sullivan's at your house right
now.
Yes, he is having dinner with my family.
And let me tell you something.
This chick was fat.
Every time he opens his mouth,
I can feel my daughters losing respect for
me.
You know, I never liked that guy.
He used to always put me in a headlock.
It is amazing the freaks we used to date.
'Ello, gov'nah!
I gotta jump.
All right. Let's hear it.
Sir Fizbo-lot,
royal court Jester, at your service.
I understand there's a little princess
'oos in need of a jolly good time!
No!
Your 'ighness said that the clown
doesn't fit the princess theme.
But "me finks"...
That a court Jester is right as rain!
There goes the theory
that an English accent makes everyone sound
smart.
Oh, come on.
It's gonna be a boring party without any
entertainment.
I agree, which is why I hired a princess.
Cue the gasp.
How could you do that? How dare you?!
Entertaining and delighting children is
who I am.
Just be a parent.
- But I want to... - Go.
- I want to... - Now. Stop.
I was thinking about what you said,
and maybe I should go to the party.
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What'd I say? I didn't say anything.
About Maria Victoria's first communion.
We cannot let other people
make us miss important family events.
What? I'm gonna miss Alex's graduation,
all of Haley's weddings, just because of
Dede?
I love them. They're my family, too.
Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
You're up to weddings already?
H-h-how about this?
Try missing tomorrow,
and then just see how that feels.
Ay, Jay.
You're so good to me.
That's why I have to go.
You're gonna be there for me
the same way I'm gonna be there for you
at Maria Victoria's first communion.
Wait a minute. That's back on the table?
Well, you know, we didn't want to break
curfew.
Curfew?!
Oh, right.
As if you two ever honored a curfew.
I love your stories, Nana. Keep on goin'.
Your father used to scare the crap out of
me.
Well, evidently not enough to keep you from
sneaking in
3:00 in the morning.
I didn't know whether to punish you
or make you pancakes.
Hey, hey! Ha ha ha ha!
Halfway through dinner, I told Claire
that whenever she had the urge to lash out
at her mother,
she should just squeeze my hand instead.
A doctor had to cut off my wedding ring.
Claire, you remember that time we cut
school
- and we went out to the pier... - Mm-hmm.
...And we played that game, and you won
the...
- Giant panda bear! - The panda bear...
Right.
 Modern.Family.S02E15
Yeah. Yes. Come on. She's practically walking you two
Yeah. down the aisle.
Do you remember what we did after that? His phone.
Yes. All those mother's day cards I sent her...
Hey, do you still like roller coasters? All those joke e-mails she forwarded to me
Not this one. months after I'd already seen them.
You know, Robbie was a rogue, Well, no more polite "LOLs" for you, Dede.
but he could charm your socks off. Oh! Oh! Holy cow!
Although I doubt he stopped there. Wow. Okay, well...
- Wow, mom. - Mom? You were right. It's not about me.
We're all adults here, honey, pretty much. Oh, God.
Okay, I think we're... we're done. You are princess...
Yeah, well, I better get going. Stop eyeing the princess. You're gonna
I've got an early-morning run, celebrity freak her out.
client. I don't know.
Don't ask me who. I-I think the whole idea of needing a prince
Let's just say that if I'm late, to come along
I'll be in Jeopardy. and make you happy,
Who is Alex Trebek?, sends the wrong message, Mitchell.
Uh, he's a game-show host. Why? I really do.
No reason. Really? And a grown man
- Claire. - Yes? pulling boxer shorts out of his mouth
This was incredible. Thanks a lot. doesn't.
S-so great. It was so great. I'm...
- So good to see you. - I know. - Hey. - Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Catching up was so fun. Hi. Hi, sweetie.
Really good. Hey, Phil.
Hey, you... you take good care. So...Where is she? Where's mom?
- You take good care, now. - Yes. Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
Ohh, let's do it. Let's do that. Oh, no. I thought she was coming with you.
I'll walk you out. Oh, no, no.
Bye! I haven't seen mom since... let's see...
- Really, mom? - I was young. oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last
I thought he was sexy. night.
- Go to your room. - Okay. - What? - Yeah.
I did it. No, my God!
She brought all the crazy in her arsenal, Yeah. Yeah.
and I did not crack. And then she took off with him,
I think a bone in my hand did. didn't come back to the house until after
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was asleep,
- You know what hurt more? - What? and then this morning left a cute little
I used to think your mother loved me. note
Apparently, she always wished you'd that said, "Having breakfast with Robbie!"
married Robbie. What the hell is she doing? He's half her
Oh, no, sweetie. age!
This was all about her trying to annoy me. Don't say it.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【284】-

I think it's sweet.
Love is beautiful. It has no age.
When it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
That is the question.
Dad, what's going on over there?
She was a little nervous about your mother
being here,
so she tried her first Xanax,
washed it down with a shot of tequila.
Ay, look at the princess. It's so
beautiful.
Really? 'Cause I don't see it.
Excuse me.
There's the birthday girl!
Glitter?
That'll settle in her lungs.
So, I wanted to ask what method of payment
you prefer...
Cash, credit card, check?
Why, princesses don't get paid,
except maybe in laughter and sparkles.
That's nice. But I really need to know.
All I ask is that a little girl's birthday
wishes...
Come true
Miss, seriously,
if you want to get paid, I need to...
Fine. You can make the check out to Party
Stars Incorporated.
Never break character. Never, ever!
- But... - "But" Nothing.
When I was a clown, my shoe caught on fire,
and one of my fellow clowns
put me out with a bucket of flammable
confetti.
What's happening?
Even as they loaded me into the ambulance,
I continued to make balloon animals!
Flammable confetti?
There was a Seltzer bottle right there!
Oh, hi!
I cannot believe it.
She brought him to the party!
Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill her.
- I'm gonna... - Stop. No, not... not now.
The last thing I need is some big scene,
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Claire.
You know, she's doing this just to torture
me.
No, no. She's doing this to get back at me
because I didn't let her stay with us.
You're both wrong. This is about me.
I got the young girl. She had to get the
young guy.
Well, she and I are good.
We had a long talk last night
after you and I "split" that bottle of wine,
and you "fell asleep" on the stairs.
I don't know why everybody's getting so
upset about this.
Maybe it's about passion,
about what the body wants,
what the... what the heart wants for the
heart.
Dad, seriously, can you
deal with Cheech and Chong?
Hi, everyone.
Jay, Gloria.
Oh, buenos dias, Dede...
B-buenos...
Uh, yeah. Uh, Gloria...
Come on.
That's enough.
Hi, mom. Hi.
Oh, Mitchell. Mwah!
Thank you for coming.
Oh! You remember Robbie.
Yes, I do. Yes. Hi.
Oh! That's Lily!
Oh! I guess you're trying
to keep the outfit I sent her clean.
So, Robbie,
it looks like the years have been treating
you good, huh?
- Hey, what's up, Red? - Okay. Um...
I love this guy. Remember, we used to
wrestle around
all the time?
Yeah. Please stop. Is my baby watching?
Good to see you, man.
I need to talk to you for a second.
Let me just...

...ask you a little something.
What are you doing with my mother?
Hey, I've got a code.
What happens in the limo stays in the limo.
She's my mother!
Look, I know this is all a little freaky,
but I had a crush on your mother back in
high school,
and it's always been kind of a fantasy for
me.
You were dating me and fantasizing about
my mother?
Ohh, boy.
What?
I think we both know what this is really
all about.
Uh, no.
You still want me.
Oh, my God. Are you insane?
Oh, what's going on here, you two?
Claire still wants me.
No. Don't.
Oh...Oh, I should've seen this coming.
Oh, really.
One minute she sees I'm happy,
- and she swoops in! - Didn't swoop!
I didn't swoop. If anybody swooped, it was
you!
You swooped!
Claire, hush. Not now! Not now!
Not now. No, stop, please.
She accused me of trying to steal my old
boyfriend from her.
Okay, fine, but make it quick.
Why does everything have to be so hard with
you?
Why can't you just be a normal old grandma?!
Why do you... you come in here,
it's some sort of sick game for you
to just push people and push people and push
people
and see how far you can push them!
And so fine... Look at me!
You win! You win!
I'm screaming at a princess party, mom!
- Claire. Claire... - I'm screaming
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at a princess party!
Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire.
Robbie?
I think maybe, you know, you should take
off.
Yeah, yeah, look, I hear you, Phil.
Uh, but between you and me...
I'm getting some serious vibes
from the princess over here,
and I'd kind of like to play that out.
Hey. Time to go.
Hey, Mr. P. How you been?
I'm doing good.
But I never liked you in the basement with
my daughter,
and I don't like you here with my ex.
You know, your little intimidation game
may have worked on me when I was a kid,
but I'm a full-grown man now...
And I think I should go.
So much for keeping it all about Lily.
Well, yeah, and I certainly didn't help
by berating that perfectly sweet
journeyman princess like I did.
Oh, God, look at this place.
Everybody's traumatized.
Oh, we need somebody to
pump some life back into this party, huh?
I got this. I'll go in and turn on some
music,
bring out the cupcakes, pump up the bubble
machine.
Or...
Is that a roundabout way of saying
a certain clown can come to the party?
I was wrong.
Every kid wants a clown for a dad.
Oh! You just made a little girl very happy.
Yes, well, I can see that.
You okay?
I'm fine.
I will be fine.
'Cause you know Claire gets stressed out.
That stuff she said out there...
Was all true.
Yeah.
 Modern.Family.S02E15
I don't know what I was thinking with him.
I feel like such a fool.
You got flattered by the attention of a
younger guy,
and you got a little carried away.
- So what? - It's not that.
It's... I divorced you,
because I was looking for something else.
I haven't found it.
But when I come back here,
I feel like I have to prove something.
Like people are looking at me,
saying, "You broke up the family.
What do you have to show for it?"
You did the right thing.
We were stalled.
I didn't have the guts to end it.
That's because you're a decent man.
And that doesn't make it any easier.
I just don't want to be thought of as "crazy
nana".
That's not really who I am.
I think, more than anything else,
my real problem...
is her!
Huh?
No, Dede!
So, maybe it isn't about me?
Or me.
I told you it was about me!
No! No!
I got Gloria!
I got Gloria!
This is such a precious gift!
I know. I can't believe my dad sat down and
did this.
Keep going.
Jay, pay attention. It's your line!
I just had a damn line.
Manny, freshen this up for me.
No, no more drinks until we finish this.
Who cares? Cam's just gonna return it
anyway.
Cue gasp.

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Modern.Family.S02E16
Morning.
- Hey. - You sleep all right?
No, you?
- Say no, Phil. - Of course no.
I missed you up there.
Last night, I know I got kind of carried
away --
No, no, no. You don't need to apologize.
I don't think that I was apologi--
You were right to be mad.
Sometimes I just feel like I have to scream
to let you know how upset I am,
but you get it now, right?
I...do.
Not.
No idea whatsoever.
Ohh, if I knew, but...
no.
Good.
So let's pretend the whole thing never
happened.
What were we even fighting about, huh?
What the heck happened in here?
The raccoon get through the dog door again?
Yep. The raccoon got in,
and your mom fought it off with the fire
extinguisher.
You're a mess!
Are you okay?
Careful, buddy. Not today.
I think you look beautiful.
Save it.
One time I forgot to get Gloria a birthday
present,
and I paid for it.
Another time I remembered, but she didn't
like the gift.
I paid for that.
So you'd think when I remember to buy her
a gift
and she loves it,
I wouldn't have to pay for it, right?
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me,
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-【288】-
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baby
Oh, hey, good.
Grab the other end of this and help me get
it out of here.
I have to start setting up the chairs for
tonight.
- Oh, tonight? What's tonight? - Are you
kidding me?
This is what I'm talking about Mitchell.
You never listen when I --
It's a fundraiser for the friends
of the third street overpass music society.
Two harpists are performing,
and you're anxious 'cause Andrew,
Your nemesis from the steering committee,
ran the event last year,
and you want to upstage him.
I was kidding.
Cam has it in his head
that I don't listen to him, but I do.
Do you, Mitchell? Do you?
The doctor called and said
Lily's rash is just dry skin.
I'm so relieved.
What did I just say?
You act like you listen to every single
thing that I say,
but you don't.
Don't I, Mitchell?
Hey, I'm going to the store today.
Do you need me to pick anything up for you?
Razor blades, saline solution, black
socks,
and the new issue of Vanity Fair.
Wow. I don't even remember asking for all
that.
Thank you.
Don't I?
How'd this thing come off, anyway?
Well, I was cooking dinner, and --
Right.
And the raccoon just walked in the --
And I already had the door open.
- Right. - Which I-I had already had ahold
of the --
Why don't you two go work on your story and

come back?
- Okay. - Okay.
I won't be home till late.
I have another shift at the restaurant.
That's our working girl.
Let the river run, honey.,
Check it! $57 in tips from last night.
Honey, that's impressive. You know what?
$57 from you, $57 from us --
You keep this up,
we are going to be buying you a car by the
summer.
Mom, is this "upscale casual"?
What?
Oh, yeah. Cam hired Luke
to help out with the benefit tonight.
Hey, you know what? I can't fix this thing.
What? I need that. I use it every day.
Okay, Phil, what do you say?
You want to take a trip to the mall with
me?
I...do.
Not,
if I can possibly avoid it.
Claire has this little...habit...
at the mall, where sh--
I can't even talk about it.
Jay, come on!
I want to go home
because you said you were going to film me
doing the
karaoke so I can send it to Colombia to my
mother.
Claire, um, about the mall?
I was actually gonna run out
and get my hair cut this afternoon.
Well, hang on here.
Why don't I run claire down the mall,
and you give Phil a haircut?
You're always talking about
how you miss working at the salon.
I guess I could.
I do jay. Why can't I do you?
You...can do me.
Okay, let's get this party started.,
You know that song?
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Let's go, let's go! We're wasting time!
- O-okay, okay. - Yeah.
- You know it? - I think I do.
So, that was Andrew,
who practically choked telling me
that no one had called in their regrets
for the event tonight.
It is gonna be a full house.
Oh, that must feel great!
Oh, I never thought I would enjoy having
an arch enemy. Oh.
But I do, Mitchell. I do. Hmm.
Hey, Lily, what you got there?
I do feel bad for those PETA folks.,
Their event's tonight, too.
That's why I had you mail the invitations
so long ago.
I shouldn't laugh.
I do feel bad for those little PETA animals.
I really do.
What are you doing?
Nothing. She was, uh --
she was, uh, sucking her thumb again.
Yes, I put Cam's invites in my car
to take them to the post office
and then threw my gym bag on top of them
and completely forgot they existed.
Ohh, I feel terrible.
Haven't been to the gym in six weeks.
And I ruined Cam's event.
Hello, Miss Hartwick.
Uh, Cam and I are hosting
a little event tonight, and --
Yes, yes.
No, I am aware that there is also a PETA
event,
and -- ohh.
Who are you talking to?
I'm in the shower!
Luke, how are those chairs coming?
Come in.
I think you should come in come in.
Oh, now I'm worried about the flow.
The eyes should go to the harps, not the
backs of chairs.
Are you gonna get upset
 Modern.Family.S02E16
and starting eating all the appetizers Go low, go low. Oh! Oh!
again? Oh, my god!
It is amazing what you notice and what you Dad! Dad!
don't notice. You got to get one of these! Oh!
Please handle that. I need to think. It is impressive how much Haley's earning.
Come on, Luke. She's over $500 already.
Hi, there. Your father home? That's a lot of cheddar.
I think so. Why? Why's everyone acting
Oh, oh! The wait staff. like she's the first 17-year-old to have
Please, luke, show them to the kitchen, a job?
please. In other cultures, she'd have two kids
Knock knock. already,
Oh. Hello, Andrew. and they'd have jobs.
Nice chair backs. You know, I stopped by the restaurant a
I just thought you could use this. couple times,
It's the sign-in book for my event last and she wasn't there.
year. When?
Let just turn to the blank pages, Uh, I don't remember.
Which should be... I was at the mall for a movie.
Oh. No. It's full. Think! I need details!
Oh, well, thank you for thinking of us, Okay, it was a romantic comedy
but shouldn't you be getting back home to My now ex-friend Reuben recommended --
Donald? Not about the movie! What day?! Focus!
That is the name of your cat, isn't it? Okay, uh, it was Tuesday,
I'll see you at 7:00. But I also ate there again on Saturday,
Drive safely. and she wasn't there then, either.
What did I tell you? Oh, my god.
She's even worse than you said. I bet she doesn't even work there.
Hold still! Well, then, where's all this money coming
You can't move like that. from?
It's like cutting the hair of a cuckoo bird. Do you notice how every single night
I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense today. is just under $60?
I knew it. Something happened. Grandpa gave her $60 for her birthday.
Because when somebody works in a salon, She's just hanging around the mall all day,
they know when someone needs to talk. flashing the same cash every night,
Actually, you might be able to help me with and fooling my parents into buying her a
this one. car.
Claire and I got into a huge fight last Hey, dad!
night... Can we eat at Haley's restaurant tonight?!
...and I'm not even sure what it was about. Hey, there's a good idea!
Was that why you didn't want to go to the Great. I'll text her.
mall with her? Oh, god, no!
No, that was... more about a weird... Oh, god, yes!
mall habit claire has. Oh! Oh, god, yes!
Oh, my god! That's good! Oh, get after it!
Oh, oh! Go low, go low. Amazing.

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-【290】-
 Modern.Family.S02E16
I'm going for 15 more on me. I walked in the door,
I think you got what you needed from that. we're having a conversation about nothing.
Oh. Okay. Thank you. Hey, honey.
You know, maybe you do need to talk about Sorry I got stuck at the office.
this fight. How was your day?
With Phil? It was good.
How could you not know what she was mad - Although you know what? - What?
about? Debbie stood me up for lunch.
Because she didn't tell me. She just Rude, right?
freaked out. No. She called.
I cannot believe you, Phil! I didn't get a message.
How could you?! Yeah. You did.
What is happening? What -- what did I do? I left you one.
Are you serious? It's right...there.
You are! You don't know. That's it!
We've had this conversation a hundred How is she supposed to see this?
times. If you give me a message this tiny,
You know -- no, no. I kill you.
I'm not -- I'm not doing this again. But that's not when she got mad.
You tell me what you did. Also, I talked to the insurance company
- Was it -- - "Was it --" about that little accident that "wasn't
No, Phil. your fault"
No. No, no, no. No! because the brakes weren't "working
- I'm going to get some air. - Claire. right."
- Claire! -No! Don't follow me. And that's not gonna cost us as much money
Happy valen-birth-iversary! as I thought,
Storming off -- so that's good.
right out of yr mom's playbook. That's it!
Where'd you go? You insult a woman's driving,
Well, as it turns out, not very far. and you use the "air bunnies.",
Damn it. You do that to me, and I kill you.
Phil! I hear you,
Phil, you moron, stop it! but the screaming still hadn't started yet.
- It's me, you idiot! - I'm sorry! So, I'm having lunch with Skip Woosnum,
What are you doing?! right?
I'm sorry! Boy, can that guy go on and on.
I thought you were a raccoon! Tangent after tangent.
You thought I was a raccoon! By the way, turned me on to the greatest
Because people look so much like raccoons. thing --
Oh, look. wedge salad -- you gotta try it.
There's one now! Anyhoo...
No, claire, no! Claire! Guess who's sitting at the table next to
Wait a minute. us.
Not even crazy woman go crazy for no reason. My old girlfriend Carla.
What happened before the broccoli? We're gonna grab coffee.
That's just it -- it came out of the blue. She lost a ton of weight.

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-【291】-

How stupid are you?
You tell me that you're seeing an old
girlfriend, and I --
Kill me, I know.
But she still hadn't snapped yet.
I almost forgot.
I picked up the broccoli you asked for.
Cauliflower.
Can't believe I did that again.,
I cannot believe you, Phil!
You didn't do one thing wrong.
You do everything wrong!
I don'even know why she talks to you.
She said she was okay.
No. No woman is okay with this.
We don't forget.
We wait.
And then, when you least expect it,
we make you pay.
Chin up!
Up!
So you had a meltdown over that.
I did, because ever since I met him,
I've been trying to get Phil to try a wedge
salad.
The minute that Skip Woosnum,
whom he doesn't even like, suggests it,
Phil thinks it's the greatest thing ever,
and he does this with everything.
He does it with books, with movies, with
tv.
He listens to everybody's opinion but mine,
And it drives me crazy.
You two seemed fine this morning.
Well, we were because we talked about it,
which, by the way,
if you want this whole karaoke thing with
Gloria to go away,
That's what you need to do.
That's easier said than done.
Well, since when do you shy away from
confrontation,
Mr. Tough Talk, Mr. Straight shooter?
Getting a little soft, grandpa?
You know, when you get a massage,
you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.
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-【292】-
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Luke, phone.
Friends of the third street --
Is that Mitchell? What's taking him?
No, it's not Mitchell. It's...
I don't understand his name.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Longinus. Listen,
did you get my message?
About the chiavari chairs --
I want you to bring them when you come.
What do you mean you're not -- not coming?
Well, that's not possible.
Mitch -- Mitch mailed them weeks ago.
What about Pepper? Did he get his?
And Michael?
And Steven and Stefan?
And Bob?
I have to go.
Get me your uncle Mitchell.
I don't know his number.
It went to voicemail.
Of course it did.
Keep trying him until you get him.
it's one button.
Just...redial.
Hey, really great event tonight
benefiting the music society -- musicians
like you.
Uncle Cam for uncle Mitchell.
How could you, Mitchell?!
Honestly! Give me that.
You want to hear the guest list for night?
So far it's anger, betrayal, terror, and
sadness.
Congratulations, Mitchell, you packed the
house!
Cam, I am so sorry.
I-I-I'm gonna fix it. I'll make a big
donation.
That's not gonna keep them
from kicking me off the steering committee!
When Andrew walks in here
and sees a room full of empty chairs --
You know he's not really your archenemy.
That's sort of a made-up thing.
Fix it!
 Modern.Family.S02E16
- Hi! You came! - Hi! of them did.
Of course we did. We wanted to see you work. Isn't it weird that Haley's the only one
We're so proud of you, sweetheart. here
Yeah, we're all proud. So where's our not wearing a name tag?
table? If your mother had a name tag,
Actually, bad news. it would say "Good driver."
We totally booked. - Phil -- - Here you go.
We have a ton of reservations. I want to hear the specials.
Yeah, one's ours. I called. - Uh, we're out of specials. - What were
Here it is! they?
Uh, so, your table is right here. Popular, which you wouldn't understand.
Oh, honey, would you mind getting us a Well, what could be better
couple drinks? than drinks with a beautiful woman?
I would love an iced tea. And every beautiful woman deserves
Same, please. flowers.
I'll have a mango-kiwi smoothie, Cauliflowers.
yogurt instead of ice cream, and make it Okay. What's going on? Is this about last
low-fat. night?
I want to look good when I'm riding in your Yeah, I just want you to know how important
new car. to me you are.
Honey, I got to say, Sweetie, I know that. I know that.
I like this haircut. I still feel bad about, you know
Hey, we're all just playing for second in what I...did.
this family. Listen to me.
Were you all done here? You and I are fine.
Uh, actually, no. Okay?
Um, I will have more iced tea, I'm just really hungry.
Another iced tea, Okay?
and a mango-kiwi smoothie, Okay.
all ice cream. Okay.
I'm pregnant. All right!
Well, this is nice. What looks good?
Me, my gals, Oh, gosh.
and my beautiful, beautiful wife. Ooh, here's something that jumps right off
Just so you know, I rescheduled with Carla. the page.
I penciled her in for the 12th... Uh-huh. I tried this yesterday,
of never. thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum.
That's too bad. Claire, do yourself a favor
I was kind of looking forwd to hearing about and join me in a wedge salad.
that one. You have got to be kidding me!
By the way, Just try it. You will thank me.
no one called for you while you were out. Did you learn nothing from last night?
Thank you? It was about the salad?
I just want to make sure you get any I have been recommending wedge salads to
messages you,
from any friends who might call, which none amongst other things, for years,

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-【293】-

and you never listen to me.
And then some idiot suggests it,
and you can't wait to try a wedge salad?!
It makes me feel like I don't matter.
Thanks a lot, dad!
Mom's little outburst just got me fired!
Okay, I got to talk to your mom.
You comfort your sister.
She never worked here!
So, Mitchell called you, too.
I take it you haven't had your conversation
with Gloria yet?
It's getting worse.
She sang all the way here.
We passed two cars --
the dogs stuck their heads back inside the
window.
What are we gonna do?
- I could start a fire. - No.
Keep that in your back pocket.
I want to show you something.
Let me guess.
It's a copy of "The Book Thief"
that I begged you to read,
but you wouldn't until your dental
hygienist
said it changed her life.
- Remember this? - Uh-huh.
It's the first thanksgiving I spent with
your family.
God, I hated that ponytail.
I know.
You said it made me look like a wimpy
bouncer,
so I cut it off.
Just like I lost the feathered earring...
and the van with the beanbag chairs.
And I changed my forestry major.
I get it, Phil. I get it.
I am the controlling witch
- that made you give up everything fun in
your l-- - No. No.
You're the witch who saved me.
Look. Look at this picture.
Now look at this guy.
You can't tell me your opinion doesn't
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-【294】-
Modern.Family.S02E16
matter.
You changed me for the better in a hundred
different ways.
Yeah, I-I might miss a book or a salad
here and there, but...
I've got Claire all over me.
You're about to.
That's the worst sound in the world.
Is it?
Friends, uh, family, uh, board members --
"Bored" is right.,
I know we were all looking forward
to hearing the beautiful stylings of harp
attack,
but there has, unfortunately, been a slight
--
Don't start yet!
delay,
and the program will start in a few minutes,
on time.
Uh, so, please, everyone take their seats.
Thank you.
Oh, my god, you did it!
Sort of.
I know this isn't what you were hoping for,
but I need to do a better job of listening
to you.
No, no, you did the best you could,
and, plus, this is double what Andrew had
last year,
for "Cello submarine."
Thank you.
Oh -- how are you sitting at a harp
and not scoring this moment? Ladies!
You can't have a successful marriage
without being a good listener.
Sometimes it takes a little work...
I just wonder what they're gonna do
with their lives, you know?
I just wonder how they can actually, you
know,
ever find their true calling with a harp.
...sometimes it takes a lot of work...
Harps!
...and sometimes it's just excruciating.
Jay, come. I work out another song.
 Modern.Family.S02E16
Gloria.
Gloria.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I can't take it anymore!
Okay? It's not singing, it's screaming.
Mom, I love you, but for the love of god,
destroy that thing before it destroys this
family!
Coward!
I think you sound great,
but if it bothers e kid...
Coward!
Oh Danny boy
The pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain
side
The summer's gone, and all the roses...
You keep this up,
and this won't be the last plug I pull.

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-【295】-
 Modern.Family.S02E17
Well, if that happens,
Modern.Family.S02E17 you say you're on your way to the pharmacy
Well, how many people have ordered DVDs and to --
haven't pay for them. Phil, darling, no, not helping.
If... Fine. I'll give them to Florence Gunderman
I guess I could stop by my way to school. at work.
Really really important thing. Her hands look gross ever since she took
Cheryl? Can I call you back? up the banjo.
Okay. Great. Bye. Hey, mom, I need some money for lunch.
- Yes? What? - Hey, yeah... We're all gonna go to --
I was going through your drawer in the Oh, my god! Take off my sweater!
bathroom Mom, tell her to take it off!
looking for some lip stuff because my... Alex, take it off.
Lips were dry. Last week, she wore my sweatshirt without
- God, you know me. - Phil... asking.
Remember the spa certificates we got That is true.
- at the children's hospital auction? - Oh, please -- that was an honor
Mm-hmm. for your stupid old sweatshirt.
Well, look at this -- they expire tomorrow. It was the first time the top half got any
Oh, wow. What are you gonna do? exercise.
Claire, I don't think you're grasping the Now, mom, that's my favorite sweater!
magnitude I just got it.
of this package, valued at over $250. You know what you girls need to learn to
- Sweetie... - If you don't use them, do?
then all our money just goes to charity. You need to learn to share,
And so what am I supposed to do? because that's what sisters do.
Somewhere between dropping off Alex at All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen
orchestra to your sweater.
and picking up Luke from practice -- Right, alex?
oh, and burning a bunch of dvds of the Hmm?
talent show, Okay, fine.
I'm gonna, what, pop in for a quick salt Then I will just go put on your favorite
scrub? nerdy T-shirt,
I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs. The one with the guy from "back to the
Well, she's supposed to, future" on it.
but somehow she's got me doing it. That's Albert Einstein!
Here's what you do. And it is not nerdy!
Say, "Cheryl, no can do today. Well...
Need a little 'me time.'" Hi!
Have you met Cheryl? Hey, daddy. How was the farmers' market?
That'll be my new nickname. Well, it was great, but guess what the new
I'll be Claire "Me time" Dunphy. spinach is.
It's not worth the headache. Um, radicchio?
Just say you're sick. Kale.
Then I run into her, and it'll be a whole No!
thing. I know. I was just as blown away as you are.

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 Modern.Family.S02E17
Oh, well, I guess we're going to have to More than anything
adopt -- I want my girls to stop fighting and be
yay -- close.
a new attitude towards kale. I want them to share clothes and do each
Maybe we'll even adopt a new vinaigrette. other's hair
Adopt, yay! and gossip about boys --
Okay, what's going on here? like I used to do with Mitchell.
I'm taking the negative charge Gloria! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
out of the word "Adopted." Yay. Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my
What did Oprah do now? step?
Well, she had a girl on Oh, kids say cruel things.
who, at 16, found out that she was adopted That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.
and felt betrayed, ran away, and became a No. We have something in common.
stripper -- I'm seeing a younger woman.
and not the heart-of-gol kind, the How much younger are we talking about?
by-the-airport kind. 13 months. Her name's Chloe.
Okay. She makes me feel like a 5th grader again.
All right. Go get your gavel, Judge Judy. Good for you, kid.
No, not at all. I'm adopting Hmm. There they are -- my two dirty old men.
A tolerant attitude toward your flights of Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of
lunacy. 40
Adopting! and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a
Alex, come on. Hurry up. newer model.
The later we are, Am I right, buddy?
the more Cheryl texts me to do. That's my mother, Jay.
I'm coming, I'm coming. You ready?
Tell me again why the violin just wasn't It's such a beautiful day. Why do we have
you. to do this?
It's too happy. Because when this thing is behind us,
Oh, my god! It's done and we never have to think about
Okay, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. it again.
Let's see. It might not be a big deal. Come on.
Just -- here we go. Let's see. I went to a funeral last Saturday, and it
- Oh, okay. - Is it bad? got me thinking
No, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna be about where Gloria and I were gonna end up
okay. after we die.
Oh, honey. Yeah, it's been a fun week.
Hey, I forgot my phone. I don't like loose ends.
Hi. So I made a few calls.
What? I found these people selling a couple of
Nothing. I love you. primo plots
So weird. in the best cemetery in town.
You better not spill anything on that, okay, Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon.
dork? Don't be so sure...
Relax. Half the 11th grade's been inside with all the bacon that he eats.
this sweater. Well, got to give my cholesterol pills

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-【297】-

something to do.
Mm. I don't care how much they promote it,
kale is a garnish.
It's not ready to anchor a meal.
Look at this.
Oh, my god! Lily's little hat
that we bought her at the airport in
Vietnam.
Remember how cute she looked in that?
Remember how I used to wear it
and walk around and act like I had a giant
head?
Mm-hmm. That was good acting.
So, what are you doing?
I'm putting together a little scrapbook
of how Lily became ours.
You know, her adoption certificate,
some pictures of her from her village --
All out in the open, so she has nothing to
be ashamed of.
You leaving that on all day?
You know, and I'm also gonna write a little
storybook --
you know, something I can read her at
bedtime.
It's called "Two monkeys and a panda."
She's the panda because she's Asian.
- And we're monkeys because... - I can draw
monkeys.
Okay, well, I think this is a great project,
and I believe you are gonna finish it.
- Oh, my god. - What?
Lily's adoption certificate.
- Her name is "Lily Tucker Pritchett." -
Right.
Not "Tucker-Pritchett" like it's supposed
to be.
First name -- "Lily." Middle name --
"Tucker."
Last name -- "Pritchett."
Well, that can't be right.
This is a legal document!
She only has your last name.
M-m-my name is just a middle name!
Stay calm. Don't get upset.
Nobody knows anyone's middle name!
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- Quick -- what's my middle name? - Scott.
Of course you know mine. We're a couple!
Okay, look, t-this is obviously a mistake.
But you're the one who filled out this
paperwork.
You don't make mistakes like this.
You correct mistakes like this.
You did this on purpose.
What?
You buried my name,
so your name could have top billing.
Okay, no, I am not gonnsit here and listen
to you accuse me of something so horrible!
It makes so much sense now --
Why you wanted to fill out all these legal
forms.
Okay, well, I'm a lawyer!
I fill out all the legal forms,
ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym
membership!
The more you spend, the more you save!
All the women I work with are too busy to
use the certificate.
So I called the spa
and asked them to extend the expiration
date.
But they said no.
Really?
Here's something they didn't count on.
You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come
out.
You have very nice hands.
Soft like lady's.
Thank you, Kim. I appreciate that.
My wife never seems to notice.
This is it! Ta-da!
What is ta-da?
I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.
"Ta-da" is when you do a flip
or where the magician cuts the pretty lady
in half,
not when you show someone
where you want to shove their dead body.
I'm not gonna argue the proper use of
"Ta-da."
This is it.

Seriously? In the file cabinet?
It's called a crypt.
And how are you not getting how great this
is?
We're four down from Bugsy siegel.
No. I'm not going into any wall.
I'm going in the ground.
Sorry, not me.
There's enough to not like about death
without adding dirt and worms.
The whole thing gives me the willies.
You die, you go to the ground.
Is natural. You go back to the earth.
Here, you're just a mushy bag of bones
rotting away for all eternity!
Sorry for your loss.
Can we get the hell out of here?
What am I supposed to tell the guy?
Tell them we don't want our bodies
inside these drawers where god cannot find
us!
These are not like our drawers at home.
People can find things in these.
I'm thinking of getting bangs.
Ooh, you totally should.
You would be so cute with bangs.
- You have the face for it. I don't.
Oh, there's my better half.
Kim, would you mind?
Hey, honey. Where are you?
Oh, I'm on my way to Downey.
Oh, uh, did you know
Karen and richard carpenter grew up in
Downey?
What random and not-helpful fact, Phil.
I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm having kind of a rough
day.
Yeah, I'm kind of having a rough day myself.
Look, Phil, I need you to take care of
dinner for me.
What's wrong?
Oh, Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater,
and now I'm driving around from store to
store,
trying to find the exact same one before
Haley finds out.
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Don't do that. Just explain to her what
happened.
Haley's not gonna understand.
- Sure, she will. -- No, phil, you don't
understand.
I'm trying to avoid this turning into a
whole big thing.
Then just get her something close.
She'll never know the difference.
Phil, could you just take care of dinner,
sweetie?
That's all I'm asking. That's it.
I'm just saying, there's a simpler way to
do this.
There is no simpler way. Just make dinner!
Thank you.
Hello?
What?
Mr. Pritchett...
We're the rutledges,
the ones selling the spots.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, my gosh. Look, honey.
I hadn't heard. Martin is in.
Well, look at that.
- I'm sorry. Is that a friend of yours? -
We've made a point
to get to know everyone in the
neighborhood.
We think it makes it less awkward, you know,
later.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is my wife, Gloria.
I'm Ed, and this is my bunk.
And this is my loving wife
and devoted mother of three, Winnie.
She'll be here.
I don't know what our lineup is yet.
But at home,I sleep on the right side.
So probably there.
We don't mean to be rude,
but you seem to be much younger than your
husband.
You're not rude. I'm very much younger.
Is that a problem?
Well, it's just that there's a good chance,
uh, you'll be moving in long before she

would.
Our concern is, your wife remarries,
and wants to be laid to rest with her new
husband.
So she sells this spot to the highest
bidder.
And we're left lying next to a complete
stranger,
without even so much as a formal "How do
you do?"
Gloria, tell them you're in.
I don't know, Jay. I think they have a very
good point.
And they're not crazy at all.
What do you mean they have a good point?
I don't think this is going to work.
Good luck getting someone into your
drawers.
It occurs to me
that I may have gotten a little too upset
and jumped to some conclusions
that were perhaps not true.
I realize now that you would
never intentionally do something so
unthinkable.
So...
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for accusing
you.
I did it.
I knew it! You two-faced --
Let me explain. There is --
There is no explanation. There is just no
excuse.
I just want to know why!
Okay, y-you know how, um, s-some women say
that they forget how painful childbirth
was?
Well, I-I-I think that you are forgetting
how panicked you were before we got Lily.
- You were freaking out. - I was not!
Okay, so, it says that we can put the
mattress
at one of three different levels.
- Which one should we do? - I don't know.
Well, just think about how far down she
should be.
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- How far -- - I don't know! I can't do this!
Okay.
Oh, this latch system is great.
What did people do before this?
I don't know! Stop asking me questions!
- Cam... - I can't do this! I can't!
Okay, well, I...
I don't see what that has to do with
anything.
I-I was scared that -- that it was just
gonna all be
too much for you and that you were gonna
leave.
And then I would be the one taking care of
a baby
and half of her last name
would belong to the guy who left us.
It was a mistake. I'm sorry.
I-I wanted to have it changed,
but I needed to get your signature,
and I was afraid that it would start a big
fight
and that you would hate me and...
OK, I'm confused.
You're saying that if she tells me she has
a problem,
I'm not supposed to help her?
Not unless she asks for your help.
But if she lets me help her,
I can make her problem go away.
That is such a male thing to say.
Well, forgive me for being a man.
Mango or kiwi?
Ooh, kiwi.
When you say, you know, "Do this or do
that,"
all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than
you."
Believe me, she doesn't think that.
She doesn't want you to save her problems.
She just wants you to give her support
so that she can solve her problems herself.
Yes, and sometimes --
sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear.
Maybe it's all the creams,
but that just made sense, girlfriends.

So if Claire says, "I hate getting stuck
in traffic,"
- I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave
earlier"... - No.
- ...Or, "Don't get on the freeway." - No.
I should just say, "I know. It's so
frustrating."
- Yes! That's it! - Really?
Yes! Yes!
And -- and if she says, uh, uh...
"The waiter I had today was so rude,"
I shouldn'say, "Maybe you should just order
- something on the menu for once." - No.
I should just say, "What a jerk."
Yes! Yes! Yeah!
And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving
me crazy,"
I should just say, "I know!
There is not enough quality programming for
men."
No! Turn off the damn TV.
Okay, now I'm confused again.
So, I heard you had a rough time today.
Yeah, well...
Remember the days when we thought we'd live
forever?
Don't you want to go play?
When do I ever play?
I'm kind of wrestling
with this whole "older man, younger woman"
thing.
It's like Chloe and I grew up in different
worlds.
Today I made a joke about the Wiggles.
- It went right over her head. - I don't
know what that is.
It's an expression -- means she didn't get
it.
Yeah, it sometimes -- this age thing --
knocks you in the head.
That what this is about?
I always knew your mother might remarry
after I'm gone.
That never bothered me.
I figured her husbands would be your dad,
me,
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Modern.Family.S02E17
and some putz who could never live up to
me.
But what if I'm not the main guy?
What if some other guy is?
What if I'm the putz?
When my mom and dad got divorced,
do you have any idea how many guys chased
after her?
The phone didn't stop ringing.
Men would stop her on the street.
Guys would propose to her from moving cars.
They were good-looking guys, Jay -- with
money.
I think one of them was a Kennedy.
Where are you going with this?
When you showed up, I didn't think you had
a prayer.
You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry
for you.
I had to climb three flights of stairs.
But of all people, my mom fell for you.
I got a few moves.
She said she fell in love with you during
your first fight.
- What? - She said she'd finally met her
match.
Oh.
So if you think she's just gonna replace
you
when you're gone,
Then you are the putz.
Thanks, kid.I appreciate that.
I thought you liked me when I first showed
up.
Please. For the first month,
I didn't even bother to learn your name.
- Is she back yet? - She's on her way.
- Did you find it? - I did.
At the fifth store I went to.
It was in the window, and I had to undress
a mannequin
while a creepy guy filmed it,
So we have to look forward to on the
internet.
- Thank you so much, mom. - You're welcome.
Now, go put that exactly where you found
 Modern.Family.S02E17
the other one, okay? Hey.
Okay. Yeah?
Uh-oh. Who's my gal?
- What? The security tag -- it's still on! I am.
I told those people to take that off. Darn right. Yeah.
- Oh, no. - She's pulling into the driveway! Oh. Let me get this.
Okay. It's fine. It's fine. Hey, by the way --
Don't panic. I've got it. I've got it. notice anything different about me?
- She's getting out of the car! - All right! Unh-unh.
I am doing it! Huh.
I've almost got it. I -- oh, god! Oh, no! Hmm. What is it?
- What is that?! - Well, it's ink. Nothing.
Aah! Hide it. Hide it. - A haircut? - A week ago.
- She's in the house! - What are you doing Okay, so, tell me.
with my sweater? Forget it. It's not important.
Oh, my god! It's ruined! Okay. I'll just go start dinner.
It was an accident! Listen, I've been thinking.
I knew this would happen, you idiot! When I go,
Hey, hey! Let's try to get along. I want you to know...
I wish she was never even born! It's okay if you marry someone else.
They were trying to make one with a brain! I know.
Not fair! Honey, you guys are both... Because I want you be happy.
Oh...pretty smart. I'll be happy.
Ohh... You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?
Geez. Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else.
It's that sweater, huh? That's what you say now,
Yeah. It is that sweater. but no one knows what the future holds.
And I did everything I can to stop them from So I want you to have this.
fighting. Look at this,
I don't understand. an empty coffee can.
Why they can't see how much you love them. Do you know what men used to buy me?
I don't know. When I go, toss me in the fire,
Meanwhile, Cheryl has be calling me all day Sweep up my ashes, stick 'em in that.
because she's angry I didn't show up. Ta-da!
Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a We need to talk about this "Ta-da."
nanny? 'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall
Why does she need so much help? or if it's in the ground --
I know, right? just as long as I end up with you.
You work so hard. Oh, Jay.
You do so much. It's perfect.
I do. Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel in the
Of course you do. old coffee can.
I do. That will drive the putz crazy. And I like
I do. that.
Oh, sweetie, thank you. Um, so, f-for whatever it's worth,
I really appreciate that. I-I called the adoption attorney --

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 Modern.Family.S02E17
Adoption, yay! I-I will -- I will fix that, too.
And on Monday, they're gonna start the Once we finished writing the book,
process we realized something.
of changing lily's last name to We're not the only two monkeys with the
"Tucker-pritchett." panda,
Great. gay parents are a huge market,
Again, I'm -- I'm so sorry. and no one's writing for them.
Okay. We thought we were sitting on a gold mine.
Um... Oh, I, uh... But we weren't.
I took a quick pass at "Two Monkeys and a "Gay Parenting."
Panda." - "Gay Adoptive Parenting." - Okay.
So, just let me know what you think. "Gay Adoption: Foreign Children." Wow.
"Once upon a time, - "Gay Adoption: Asian Children." - What?
there were two monkeys. - "Bisexual Adoption: Asian Children."
They loved each other very much, - "Transgendered Adoption."
but there was something missing." Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.
A hyphen?
"They wanted a baby.
And they heard that there was a very special
baby
in a faraway land who needed a family.
She was a panda named Lily.
One of the monkeys was scared.
They'd never had a panda before.
But they held Lily in their arms,
and the scared monkey became the brave one.
And the two monkeys --"
- Coco and Miko. - I'm sorry. What?
"Coco" And "Miko" Are the names of the
monkeys.
Really?
That doesn't seem like it's a little un--
Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that.
Coco and Miko -- yeah.
"They traveled all the way home
with the perfect panda that they adopted."
Did she just clap?
She heard "Adopted" And clapped!
Cam! That's amazing!
Oh, my god! You did that!
- Well, I don't... - What?!
You did that. That is amazing. I can't
believe that.
And just like that, peace returned to our
house.
Well, technically, I-it's my house, but...

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Modern.Family.S02E18
Good morning, mom
Good morning, puppy
Hump day, am I right, Jay?
Your day ends at 2:30
Can't come fast enough.
Quitting time. Am I right, jay?
Let's not make this a thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?
Where's my soft-boiled egg?
I scrambled it.
It's good for you to try new things.
I don't want to try new things.
You can't just spring this on me.
I have bad news, manny.
This is not the biggest curve ball
that life is going to throw you.
Buddy, don't close yourself off from new
things.
I ever tell you the story about me and crab
cakes?
Thought I didn't like them, tried them,
love them.
Are the movie rights available for that
one?
Dunphy spring classic.
Who's gonna do the dishes for the next week?
Boys versus girls.
Testosterone versus estrogen.
Standing up to pee versus the squat.
- Phil, come on! -Dad!
Swing and a miss.
He's in her head, Luke.
And boys rule and girls drool.
You drool all the time.
Mom had to take you to a specialist.
I'm still growing into my tongue.
Hey, mom, can I go to the movies with robin?
No, you may not, 'cause you are still
grounded.
Then can I be sent to my room?
No, 'cause we're having some fun family
time.
We're gonna spend this beautiful afternoon
outside in the fresh air, getting some
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exercise, okay?
Pitch it, Phil.
Oh, well.
That's the game.
What do you mean? We just started.
That was our only ball.
So what?
The game's over just because you're afraid
of stupid Mr. Kleezak?
Yep. I'm not going over there.
That was fun.
If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Krueger had
a love child,,
he would be afraid of our next-door
neighbor.
I don't have a mean thing to say about
anyone,
but Mr. Kleezak is...
not a nice person.
Easy, honey.
- Hey, Haley. - Oh, hey, uncle Mitchell.
- Hey, is your mom home? - No.
She had to take Alex to the oncologist.
Oh, my god, what's wrong?
She needed new glasses.
- Oh. Did you mean optometrist? - Whatever.
- So, should I give her a message? - Yes,
yes.
Could you ask her if she could possibly
babysit
Lily on Saturday night?
We'd really, really appreciate it.
Saturday night, we're having dinner
with pepper, longinus, and crispin.
They're our gay friends.
I think that was clear.
I've been spending a lot of time
with a lot of straight people lately.
And, darling, I need a night with my homies.
- You mean homos. - Okay. Yeah.
You know what? Maybe you should stay in and
babysit.
Yeah, our babysitter bailed,
and we're kind of in a bind, so --
I can do it. I can watch lily.
I'm really good. I'm babysitting Luke right

now.
Oh, yeah?
You want -- you want to babysit lily?
Oh, well, that's very sweet, honey,
but you're -- you're a very popular girl.
I'm sure you have better things to do, so
--
Oh, seriously, I'm totally free.
Being grounded is so much worse than it was
in the olden days.
My friends text and facebook
all the fun stuff they're doing
while I'm stuck at home playing jenga with
my dad.
Are you serious?
You don't even have to pay me.
I promise I'll take super good care of her.
Okay, well, that would be great. Thank you.
Yes, well, we'll see you on Saturday night.
- Bye, sweetie. - Bye.
Luke?
Luke?
What are you thinking?!
Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl,
but seems hardly a responsible caregiver!
Well, you know what? We needed a sitter.
She's family.
I say we give her a shot.
A shot? Oh, with our only child?
Sure, why not?
If something goes wrong,
We'll just pop over to the orient and grab
another one.
What?
My name is Luke Dunphy. I live next door.
What do you want?
I want to get our ball from your yard.
I don't want you messing around back there.
Just go home.
Are you going scuba diving?
Why do you have that tank?
You being smart?
You mean in school? Well, I do okay.
My teacher says I get distracted.
Why do you have that tube in your nose?
For fun.
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Really? Can I try?
It's oxygen.
We have that in our house,
but we don't need tanks.
Oh, for god's sake, just get your ball.
Okay.
Oh my god.
I was watching the news,
and another flock of birds fell out of the
sky dead.
What is happening?
Sweetie, you got to stop watching the news.
That's your big solution -- embrace
ignorance?
What are you two arguing about?
Never mind, I don't want to know.
Be back in a couple hours.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going?
To my friend Walt's house to watch "High
noon."
Ooh, I love westerns -- the bloodier, the
better.
that's my favorite type of movie --
That and anything set against the backdrop
of competitive cheerleading.
Is Walt the one who's always skateboarding?
No. Where would he put his oxygen tank?
Okay, now I'm really confused.
You sound like Walt.
He gets confused a lot. It's hilarious.
Wait, are we talking about Mr. Kleezak?
Yeah. I went over to his house to get my
ball,
and we've been hanging out.
You were in Mr. Kleezak's house?
Luke, that is not okay.
Why not?
He's really nice and funny.
Listen to this joke.
Okay, two krauts walk into a bar.
Phil, this is not good.
Honey, don't jump to conclusions.
Let him finish the joke.
And one of them has a limp.
You may not go back to that man's house.
- Why not? - Because...he's weird.

- And not very nice. - Yeah.
That's what you said about my friend
Oliver.
Oliver.
Oliver who almost burned down our garage?
He likes to melt stuff.
Like you're so perfect.
Luke, I'm sorry, but your mother and I
just aren't comfortable with this.
That's so unfair.
You don't even know him
'cause you're two afraid to talk to him.
Buddy, we're just looking out for you.
You never like any of my friends.
We're doing the right thing.
Absolutely.
Aren't we?
I don't know. I mean, he makes a point.
We don't know the man,
and little kids can be friends with old
people, right?
Of course they can. There's tons of
examples.
"Up," Um, "Gran torino," "True grit."
Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm.
We've got to go talk to that guy.
- Now? - Yeah.
It's so dark.
Okay, so, the numbers are by the phone.
There's food in the fridge.
I just changed her diaper, so all you need
to do
is put her down in about a half-hour
And not let a serial killer in the front
door.
Well, what if he's cute?
Then save him for us.
Nobody in, nobody out.
Oh, we're gonna be totally fine.
You just go get your gay on.
Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong.
Well, clearly it's not on yet, but it will
be.
Thanks. So, okay, come on. Let's go.
I'm telling you, kid,
This is a concert you're never gonna
第 3 页 共 8 页
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forget.
Greatest music in the world.
Wait a minute. What's this?
What do you mean?
What are we seeing?
The symphony "The four seasons."
I thought we were seeing Frankie Valli and
the Four Seasons.,
No. No, it's Vivaldi.
Oh, crap. You mean nothing but instruments?
- I'm out of here. - No, you're not out.
You're in.
I hate this kind of music.
Jay, you always do that.
Every time we try something new,
Your first reaction is always no.
It's 'cause I'm old enough
to know what I like and what I don't like.
What about the crab cakes?
That was a fluke.
And I can't slather that boring music in
tartar sauce.
So I have to try new things,
Like scrambled eggs, but you don't have to?
You see what you're doing?
You're tearing this family apart.
Let's take it down a notch. You two go in.
Have a great time. I'll see you later.
What are you going to do?
I'm gonna walk like a man, fast as I can,,
To that bar over there.
And if you knew Frankie Valli,
You'd be cracking up right now.
It's okay.
I'm telling you, John Schneider was the
one!
John schneider, from "The dukes of
hazzard"?
That was your first crush?
Oh, my god, yes. Bo Duke -- delicious.,
He was a redneck who drove a car called the
general lee
With a giant confederate flag on it.
That wasn't a turn-off for you?
Look, I know it was all kinds of wrong,
But the heart wants what the heart wants.
 Modern.Family.S02E18
Richard Gere. Oh, my god. to intrude.
I'll be the officer. Don't be a gentleman., - He doesn't want to intrude. - You are not
Montgomery Clift., intruding.
Who? I'm just gonna watch the game at the bar.
Don't do that, Crispin. You're not that He just wants to watch the game at the bar,
young. so...
Anyway, my crush was gay. At least I had Oh, sit down. We're up by 25 with a minute
a shot. to go.
You had a shot with Montgomery Clift? How Well, maybe just for a minute.
old are you? Okay.
I will cut you like it was nothing, farm So, what does a guy got to do to get a drink
boy. around here?
Oh, see, I miss this. Nobody say anything.
Wait. What about you, Mitchell? Justin, more booze.
Um, okay, well, I-I didn't know it was a Oh, Mitchell was just about to tell us
crush Who his first boy crush was.
Because I was only 8 at the time. - No, no, I wasn't. - Let me bring you up
I knew when I was 8. to speed.
Everyone knew when you were 8. Crispin's was Joey Mcintyre,
Longinus, get up. We're switching seats. whoever that is.
Okay, okay, back to me, back to me, back Longinus said John Schneider.
to me. Your name is Longinus?
So, I had just seen "St. Elmo's fire," And I know. I never stood a chance.
-- Cam's was Richard Gere,
Oh, Mitchell, look, it's your father. and I was Monty Clift.
Ooh. That's your father? He's cute. Well, at least yours was gay.
Okay, can you please turn it off for one I mean, you might've had a shot.
second? Thank you.
Ooh, he's all alone. Invite him over. Crispin, up. I'm sitting next to this one.
Yeah, that's not something we're gonna do. Welcome.
Relax, your dad knows you're gay. He's right there.
He doesn't know I'm this gay. All right.
Excuse us? - Mr. Kleezak? - Mr. Kleezak?
Oh, Mr. Pritchett! It's open.
Jay! Jay! Yoo-hoo! Honey, he's not moving. Is he okay?
Oh, he looks like that dentist you hooked Well, there's only one way to find out.
up with in laguna. Mr. Kleezak?
Oh, yeah, yeah. That was in my daddy phase. Mr. Kleezak?
Yes, please, keep this up. This is fun for Okay, look.
me. I don't know if he's breathing.
- Fellas, how you doing? - Hey, dad. Does he have a pulse?
- Hi, jay. - Hello, daddy. Well, there's only one way to find out.
What are you doing here? Would you stop pushing me? You do it.
I'm just getting a drink while Gloria and I hate this.
Manny see a show. I'm gonna kill Luke.
- Well, please join us. - No, I don't want Oh, my god. He's ice-cold.

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-【307】-

Oh, my god! Ugh!
I'm sorry. We thought there was something
wrong with you.
- Sorry. - What?!
We thought there was something wrong with
you!
Phil.
Hi.
We haven't, uh, formally met. Phil Dunphy.
Yeah, I know you.
You're the guy who just broke into my house
and fondled me.
No. No. We were just concerned that you
looked dead.
No offense.
Well, what are you doing here?
Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us
that you invited him over here to watch
movies,
and I'm sure you could understand
why we would... be concerned about that.
- No. - Phil.
- You're doing great. - Honey.
Wait, are you saying that I'm some kind of
pervert?
- No. - Probably...not.
Look, I didn't ask him to come over here.
I was minding my own business, like you
should be.
Okay.
But in all fairness, our son is our
business.
Well, then, keep him.
And keep your daughter from driving into
my garbage cans.
I --
And keep your blinds closed
when you're doing your little sexy dance.
Oh, god, he's seen my sexy dance.
So I'm 12 years old
I was staying over night at my best friend
Jim's house,
And neither one of us want to go to sleep.
I know where this is going.
You're better than that, Crispin.
So, we sneak off to the movies,
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And we see this little picture called
"Solomon and Sheba."
And Sheba was...
- Gina Lollobrigida! - Bingo!,
And for the rest of my life, I swore, one
day,
I would marry Gina Lollobrigida.
Well, dad, you kind of did.
I hear that!
Mmm. These are good. What's in them?
It's a Margarita with a shot of absinthe.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Ohh, are you making a bad pun or just
lisping?
I can't believe I drove all the way to the
valley
to pick you up.
Justin, more booze!
Haley, hi. Is -- is everything okay?
Yeah, why?
Because I just saw a man walk through the
living room.
What? Where are you?
I can see through the camera on the
computer.
You're spying on me? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. That is so lame.
Look, I don't know what you think you saw
Maybe the TV, or the reflection,
or maybe you think that my body's just
shaped like a boy,
like I don't have hips or something.
No, no, no, no. You have a-a darling figure.
I was just concerned that
That hurts so much.
This is the kind of thing that I expect from
my mother,
but not from my cool uncle,
so thank you for all of your trust.
Okay, I'm -- sorry. Sorry.
Unbelievable.
You got to go.
Okay.
Yeah. All right.
Thank you. Thank you.
Dad, I've never seen you sing before.

Well, you never saw me in the shower.
And don't anybody go there.
When I was 12 years old,
My father walked into my bedroom and caught
me doing
the most embarrassing thing that a boy can
do --
Dancing to Madonna's "Lucky star."
And from that moment on,
There's always been a part of me that I've
kept from him.
And yet, yeah, here he was,
You know, laughing with my friends.
And...I don't know.
Maybe the problem was me.
Rob Lowe.
- Where? - Where? - Where? - Where?
No, no, Rob Lowe from "St. Elmo's fire."
That was -- that was my crush. I loved him.
I get that. He was a good-looking kid.
- Right? - Yeah.
Hey, "Walk like a man"?
Well, I can sing it, but I can't do it.
I think I just broken somthing.
- Ow! - Nurse!
Hello?
Please tell me that you have my shoes.
Why would I have your shoes?
Because I left them at your uncles's house
last night.
What? How could you leave without your
shoes?
I go a lot of places without shoes.
I'm not wearing shoes right now.
Oh, wait.
That's 'cause I left them at your uncles's
house.
This is a disaster!
Well, maybe they'll think they're theirs.
They're gay. They know what shoes they own.
Thanks a lot, Walt.
You couldn't be nice to my parents for two
seconds,
so now I'm not allowed to hang out with you.
What do you want from me?
I thought you were my friend.
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You promised to teach me how to grow
tomatoes,
and you were gonna take me for an egg cream.
Forget it. You're a little kid.
I don't need the aggravation.
Oh, sorry I "Aggravated" You.
And, just so you know, a lot of people think
I'm adorable.
I can't open this.
Maybe if you had gone to the concert instead
--
Could you open it, please?
I would, but I'm old enough to know
that I don't like opening aspirin bottles.
Hello?
- Hey, Dad! - How do you guys do it?
I thought cops could drink.
Listen, I just -- I wanted to say
I had such a good time with you last night,
- and I wanted to -- -hey, hold on. I got
call waiting. Yeah.
Yeah?
Woof, not a morning person. Good to know.
Listen, I'm five away.
I hope you like Blueberry Scones and Dusty
Springfield.
- Who is this? - Pepper, silly.
It's gonna be a scorcher in the desert
today,
So dress accordingly.
Oh, this is your street. See you in a
minute.
Holy crap!
That friend of yours, that Pepper.
He's on his way over here. Why?
Well, you made a date with him last night.
Don't you remember?
I think I would remember if I made a date
with a guy!
I'm telling you, I know a guy in Palm
Springs
Who has every single Vintage record known
to man.
I'm driving out there tomorrow. Come with
me.
It's a date!

All right!
I was drunk.
I'm not going shopping with Priscilla,
queen of the desert.
Okay, Dad.
Well, I'm feeling really good about our
relationship,
and I want to hold on to that for a little
while longer,
so I'm gonna go ahead and hang up with you.
Give pepper a big kiss for me.
Gloria, now, listen.
I know that you're upset with me about that
concert thing,
And rightfully so, but you have to help me.
What is it?
It seems I made plans with Mitchell's
friend Pepper.
That's someone's name? Pepper?
Yes, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
There's another guy named Longinus.
But Pepper's gonna be here any second.
He's gonna take me to Palm Springs
To go shopping for records.
Now, when he gets here,
Can you pretend there's some kind of an
emergency?
Can you do that, please?
Iay, Jay!
I-I think you'll have to take me now to the
hospital.
My head is in pain.
- Do you mean like that? - Yes, thank you.
Okay, it's showtime.
And with this guy, I mean that literally.
I'm here!
Oh, my god.
What I could do with this house.
Hello, Jay.
Chop, chop -- it's a two-hour drive,
Not counting our stop at the outlet mall.
Oh, okay. Um, Gloria, we're leaving!
Hello. You must be Pepper.
Ay, ay, ay.
- My head. - What's the matter, Gloria?
Oh, nothing.
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I just had a little ice cream. Huh?
He hasn't stopped talking about you all day
long.
You are stunning.
How rich are you?
Are you sure you're all right, gloria?
I feel great, mi amor.
I am so happy that he's doing this with you,
because I never get him to do anything
different,
Like the Vivaldi, hmm?
I think he likes you more than me.
You two have a great time together.
All right, but we got to be back early,
Because, you know, I got that work thing.
No, no, I canceled everything. You don't
have anything.
You can spend all day long with him.
Wonderful. Well, shall we?
Oh, my god. Tallulah! Oh!
Don't worry. She'll stop yapping when she
gets on your lap.
Alex, honey, come on. We're gonna be late.
A herd of cows dropped dead for no reason.
I'm not going anywhere.
Get your affairs in order, people.
This is the end.
Don't be ridiculous.
There's nothing out there to be afraid of.
Mr. Kleezak.
I'm not used to waking up with people poking
me.
I was startled, you know.
We're really sorry about that.
Yeah, well...
These are onions from my garden.
Wow. Thank you so much.
That is so nice.
Yeah, well, don't go throwing any parades.
They're onions.
I used to be a fireman, you know.
I don't hurt kids.
Sir, would you like to come in?
Just tell the boy that "Shane" is on today
at 3:00.
He should watch it.
 Modern.Family.S02E18
Maybe you could tell him yourself.
He's -- he's right upstairs. Hang on.
Luke, honey, come on down!
Your friend...Walt is here.
- This is just so sweet. - Yeah.
Well, just don't start dancing.
People can surprise you.
You get used to thinking of them one way,
stuck in their roles.
They are what they are.
I was young at the time...
And then they do something that shows you
there's all this depth and dimension
that you never knew existed.
Are you talking about Rob Lowe?
I'm just saying he's a very versatile
actor.
I think his good looks have actually held
him back.
Well, I can relate to that.
- Haley! - We need to talk.
I know I freaked out on you last night,
but you have to see it from my point of view.
- You were totally spying on me. - I know.
You were invading my first-amendment right
to privacy.
We were.
I'm sick and tired of people not trusting
me.
- I get it. - And especially you guys.
I don't think of you guys as my uncles,
I think of you as my friends.
And if your friends don't believe in you,
then what else do you have?
Dylan's shoes?
Please don't tell my mom.
Buckle up.

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-【311】-

Modern.Family.S02E19
Excuse me, I'm so sorry.
I never do this for celebrities.
But are you by any chance the foxy mom
on the New Horizon realty ad.
Am I gonna regret doing that?
Did the marlboro man have any regrets?
This ad is perfect.
See, I'm not just selling houses,
I'm selling myself,
and the best part about me is my family.
And my teeth.
And both...are on display in this ad.
"I can't be satisfied until you're
satisfied"?
Coming soon to a bus bench near you,
not to mention our minivan.
So that's really happening?
Wait. What's happening to our minivan?
Having this bad boy shrink-wrapped on it.
- Classy. - Yep.
Now all that driving around your mom does
will serve a purpose.
Good morning, family.
How are you all doing on this beautiful day?
Okay. What's this?
Haley's S.A.T. scores are available
online.
I hate you.
Oh! ! Today's the big day.
Let's take a look, see how she did.
Do we really have to look at them now?
Don't worry.
We're not expecting any miracles.
Thank you.
Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure?
Why? Are they bad?
No, they're not bad.
Are they good?
No, they're average.
Sweetie, we did it.
Our baby's average.
Medium five!
This is just a fluke.
She can take them again.
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-【312】-
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Yeah, and she'll probably do even better.
You are gonna have your choice
of some pretty good colleges when the time
comes.
If I go to college.
What?
I've been thinking about it lately,
and I might...not.
Later!
Well, we took the scenic route,
but we ended up in the same place.
From Zimbabwe to Algeria
Come on, let me hear ya
These are the countries, these are the
countries
Cam recently became Franklin middle
school's
interim musical director.
Go, Franklin!
I was volunteering for their spring musical
festival
when their regular director
suddenly and mysteriously became ill.
Oh, sorry.
It may have been a blessing.
Their show lacked focus.
I gave it a theme --
"A musical trip around the world."
Yeah, see, he focused it
by making it about the world.
You don't like it.
No -- Cam. I do.
Do you -- do you think that the kids,
though,
are gonna be able to learn it by tonight?
I mean, maybe you should stick
with something that they already know.
I knew this would happen.
Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on
my dreams?
- I do not. - You do it all the time.
And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams.
I heard it as soon as I said it. Just leave
it alone.
All right, well, Cam, it's just that
sometimes

you can be a little, you know,
overenthusiastic.
Is it really that big of a deal
that I want this to be the best show in the
world?
Well, as long as you heard me.
Be in my corner. Don't be so critical.
We-- is that really how you see me?
Sometimes, yeah, I do, Mitchell.
Cam, well, if -- if that's true, then I'm
-- I'm sorry.
No, you know, okay, from now on,
I am in your corner 100%.
Yeah, that song is gonna knock everyone
out.
Well, I don't know, but
wait till you see the dance I have prepared.
A dance? A dance!
More toast, Manny?
Why won't you call me, Emma?
More toast, Emma?
Do you have to be on all the time?
Okay, I'm sorry. Who is this Emma?
She's in the show with me tonight.
I'm thinking of taking a run at her.
You don't "Take a run" at a woman.
You woo her. You make her feel special.
Hey, hon, take a look at this.
It's a picture of my butt.
And then when you get her,
you can tell her whatever you want.
Why do you do this?
I programmed it so my butt pops up
when my brother donnie calls.
It's a clever way of saying my brother's
an ass.
Is it?
That's him. Compose yourselves.
Forget I showed you this picture.
I'm trying.
How you doing, you dumb son of a bitch?
You old mick. Looks like you've put on a
few pounds.
Oh, you too.
What, are you eating your hair?
Oh, Gloria. Oh.
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-【313】-
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What are you still doing here?
There's got to be an easier way to get a
green card.
Hey, uncle Donnie,
are you coming to my school concert
tonight?
- Well... - It's an hour, tops.
...wouldn't miss it.
Hey, you know, I think I misplaced my phone.
Could you call me on yours?
My phone's at the bottom of my bag.
Why don't you use your home phone?
Oh, come on. It's simple.
What are you doing?
I want the phone.
How about you let go, you --
Give me the phone, Donnie!
You still think you can take me?!
What? Is this all you got, huh?
I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.
I don't understand this relationship,
Emma.
Hey, Emma.
Doing this show, it feels like
we've become like a little family, huh?
You mean like you're my brother?
No. N-no, I don't.
Oh, no!
They're back -- dinosaur arms!
This isn't a good time, Luke.
That is hilarious.
Half boy, half t-rex.
One foot in both worlds,
Wanted by neither.
Luke, that's a great way to stretch out a
shirt.
Okay, okay! Break's over, everyone!
Let's take it from the top.
Listen, we're running 20 minutes long,
So we're gonna go ahead and cut the
Bollywood number.
Can I go? I'm late for soccer practice.
You know who else missed soccer practice,
Delroy?
The cast of "Rent." And now they have a
Tony.,

We have a Tony.
You are so funny.
Seriously?
Hello?
Hey, honey. Did they drop the van off yet?
Yeah, a little while ago.
How's it look?
Uh, well, believe it or not,
I have resisted the temptation to look.
This whole Haley thing has got me a little
preoccupied.
We're on our way out to lunch right now.
About that, I've been thinking.
College is still a ways away.
I say we leave Haley alone.
The more we push, the more she'll push back.
I'm gonna push.
And I support that.
Only dad can make our minivan even lamer.
Excuse me. What are you doing?
I'm driving this thing to the reservoir.
Just jump when I say jump.
Honey, slide over.
How is this stupid ad supposed to sell
houses anyway?
You heard your father.
He's not just selling houses...
He's selling us.
What are my friends gonna think?
They are gonna think
that you're helping your father put food
on the table.
- Ay, is the chair broken? - Almost.
That cheap, freeloading brother of mine
can't keep his hands off my good Scotch,
So, you see, I placed that Scotch there.
My brother sits in this chair, goes out from
under him --
Bam! -- Masterpiece.
So you make your brother fall and spill his
drink?
Well, I don't want to jinx it, but that's
the plan.
Why are you both so mean?
Where I come from, brothers respect each
other.
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That's why Colombia is such a peaceful
utopia.
Hello, ladies.
Hey, nice shirt.
Do they sell men's clothes where you got
that?
That's funny because women are so inferior.
You got no taste.
I bought this for Melanie's baptism.
Who's Melanie?
Michael's kid, my granddaughter.
Oh, I forgot to tell Irene I landed safely.
Hello?
How could you not know
that your own brother had a granddaughter?
I probably knew.
How can you forget when he's family?
I have 29 cousins, and I know them all --
Rosa Marina, Gloria Maria,
- Veronica Maria, Jose Vicente - Okay, okay,
okay.
What's your point?
You do the chair, you do the fighting,
But you don't know each other.
It's sad.
Look, I may not talk to my brother
the way you talk to your sisters,
But believe me, we're close in our own way.
When was the last time that you saw him?
Well, that's not easy, 'cause he lives
up...
See, I want to say Buffalo.
All I'm saying
is that there's no downside to more
education.
I knew this car ride was a trap.
See that?
That right there shows me just how smart
you are.
Really? Again?
What is going on?
It's the stupid ad.
They're honking on my side, too.
Yes, we're the people in the ad.
Yeah. Hi.
Another great thing about college

complete independence.
I'd have that in an apartment.
No, because to have an apartment, you would
need a job.
You want to know what your job is in
college?
It's a little bit of class and homework.
And it's a whole lot of new friends.
And experiences.
And the boys think you're cute and you are
cute,
And, oh, trust me, that doesn't last
forever.
Call the number!
All right!
You in the mood to lose?
First time for everything.
You break.
So, how's work?
Don't worry, moneybags. I'm not here for
a loan.
Nice break.
All right, you're solids,
which you won't be able to eat in a few
years.
Right, right.
Seriously, though, how are things going
with you?
Swell.
I'm beating a fat guy at pool right now.
Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.
Why?
Why? 'cause that's what people do.
Talk about things, like their lives.
Oh, Irene opened her big trap.
Look, I'm fine.
It's not like I'm gonna die.
What?
Yeah, they caught it early.
I took the treatment. I'm clear for now.
Come on. It's your shot.
Caught what early?
Donnie, are you talking about...
cancer?
You don't have to whisper. I know I got it.
You just get your prostate checked -- by
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-【315】-
Modern.Family.S02E19
a doctor,
not some guy you met on the internet.
I can't believe you didn't tell me this.
Because it's not a big deal.
Now, listen. It's just between us.
Oh, god.
Irene, how the hell do I know where your
glasses are?
And there's frisbee golf,
And -- and you go snow-sledding on
cafeteria trays.
Oh, and you all get a dog together.
I don't really know who takes care of the
dog during the summer,
but he's there when you get back.
Geez, maybe you should just go back to
college.
Oh, honey, do you know what I would give
to go back?
It's this moment when your whole life is
in front of you,
and it's a magical time.
You don't want to miss that,
Because when it's gone, it's gone.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, Alex. Bus is leaving.
Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Sweet lorna doone!
19 missed calls?
I wonder who's --
Phil Dunphy.
You saw the ad?
Great.
Do you know what you're looking for?
The little one?
I think I know which one you're talking
about.
Um, if you're interested,
I also have an older model with a lot of
character.
What?
I think the carpet matches the drapes.
I haven't checked in a while.
Both of them?
Wow.
Well, I guess that makes sense if you're

planning to flip one.
Listen, um, why don't I call you back?
We'll set up an appointment.
It'll give me a chance to give them both
a good scrubbing.
All right.
Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye.
How about that, huh?
You think all these calls are about the ad?
Yeah.
My friend Nicole just sent me a picture of
the van.
I guess I'll be seeing you wednesdays
and every other weekend.
Hello?
Okay, um, you sound very angry,
which is completely understandable.
I'm not angry.
I'm just sitting here thinking about
college
and how life has passed me by.
Oh, thank god. I'll see you at the show.
Love you. Bye. We got to go.
And as the music swells,
we reveal our letters
spelling "We love the world."
Powerful stuff.
And then the majestic Franklin middle
school insignia
will drop into position
if Reuben ever finishes painting it.
It's not the sistine chapel, Reuben.
Surprise! Hey!
Your supportive boyfriend dropped by to
bring you a snack.
P.B. And J.
Pear, brie, and jambon. My favorite!
Okay, people, let's take five.
A true five.
Hey, Manny. How's it going?
Good, great, couldn't be better.
Can we, uh...
Yes, we can, uh -- all right.
What's up?
Okay, you got to talk to Cam.
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He's driving us crazy.
Kevin is biting his nails again,
And Reuben hasn't had a bowel movement in
a week.
Don't laugh. That's how Elvis died.
All right, um, Manny,
I-I can't get involved.
But, all right, if you have to say
something,
just tell Bob Fussy that he's overdoing it
and you want to go back to your old stuff.
Okay, break's over, people!
I want to do the french revolution number
again.
Let's bring out the guillotine.
Carefully this time.
No, no, no.
Excuse me?
We don't want to do the new stuff.
We want to stop rehearsing
and go back to the old way, Bob Fussy.
I-I don't know where this is coming from.
You all feel this way?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I had no idea.
I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch
of quitters.
This production was a joke
until I introduced these children
to the musical-theater greats --
Bernstein, Sondheim.
Years from now, some of these kids
will still be talking about the way I
sondheim-ized them.
Ooh, I'm don't think that's a good way of
saying -- okay.
You want to do it the old way
with the same tired songs, the same drab
choreography,
the same tepid applause from mom and dad?
Is that what you want? Just say the word.
That's what we want. Yes. Yes.
Well, too bad, people!
We're doing it my way! From the top!
This is a closed rehearsal. March.
Hi, honey. What are you doing out here?
 Modern.Family.S02E19
Oh, just waiting for you 'cause I love you. I think I'll land here.
Haley, come out this side. Bring him down!
Why? Bring him down!
'Cause it's fun. Try it. Just go with it. Go with it.
Yeah, the doors slide, the seats slide. Oh. Hey. Come on.
What can't the sienna do? Geez, come on,
That was fun. Jay. You're in the theater.
Right? Let's go see a show! Try your jacket pocket.
Sweetie, we need to close the door. Sorry, folks.
Yeah, with the key. Nice. He taped it shut.
I like to see how far I can get from the Okay, that's enough.
car Ay! Stupid! You too!
and still make it work. Don't hit him. He has cancer.
Listen, honey, honey. What --
- Yeah? - Let me ask you something. Oh, my god, is Luke stuck up there?
Okay, I need you to be really honest with Phil?
me. Come on.
Yeah, you ca-- yes. Yeah.
Are my best years behind me? Ye-- oh, no.
What? Come on!
No. China sure was fun.
The trick is to keep looking forward. and look, there's merry old England.
Here we go. Has anyone here ever seen a globe?
Really? Full steam ahead!
Yes, yes, for sure. Ahead!
You feel good? Just sing.
Yeah, I... Oh, joy to salt-swept eyes
Hello, and welcome, everyone. Fair England, do I see
And latecomers. Sorry about what I said to Gloria, okay?
I hope you enjoy the show tonight. Just came out.
I think you will agree it has a certain Let's go back inside.
flair - Hit me. - What?
that has been lacking from this stage in You heard me. Hit me.
years past. I'm not gonna hit you, Donnie.
So, please, I invite you to sit back, relax, Yeah, well, that's the whole damn point.
and enjoy this musical trip around the As soon as you heard I was sick,
world! you treated me different.
Wow. Let me tell you, I get enough of that at
Growing up in America sure is great, home.
but I wish I knew more about the world. I'm sorry.
Me too. I feel a little bad for you, okay?
I think I've got an idea. I know we don't say this much, but, uh...
See you later, friend. I care for you, you know?
Where are you going? Do you think I don't know that crap?
To see the world! I have known you cared about me
China looks interesting. since we were 8 and 10 years old

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-【317】-

and that mook Joey Calieri stole my bike
and you put his head in the ice.
What was that he said again?
Um, "I can't hear no more."
"I can't hear no more!"
oh, Don.
Your stage is all over the place.
The kids are exhausted.
You're making all about you.
No intermission.
What, are we animals?
I --
I'm gonna be fine.
I got great doctors.
The kids call me every day.
Irene even lost 20 pounds due to stress.
Good for you.
You promise me you'll get that liver
checked out.
Ah, there's nothing wrong--
Come on, Donna. Suck it up.
We're missing my kid's show.
You son of a bitch.
Come on. Come on.
"I can't hear no more!"
Okay, all right.
That one was my fault,
But Joan of Arc's gonna be just fine.
It's not gonna be much fun doing the show
without Emma.
Maybe we should just stop this.
No. No. There is a saying in the theater
world that --
"It's not worth dying for"?
No, it's that "Endings make shows."
And we've got a great ending.
Now get out there and sing your hearts out.
Oh, not you, sweetie. You just mouth the
words. Okay.
Uncle Cam, both my legs are tingly.
Okay, we'll cut you down in just a second,
Luke, okay?
The show must go on. Have fun with it.
Learning about the world sure was fun.
But I'm glad to have my feet back on the
ground again.
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Oh, Egypt is a land where the pyramids stand
Which were built by industrious jews
And windmills go around in Holland town
Where they all wear wooden shoes
These are the things we learned today
And there's one last thing we want to say
"We love the word"
Where's the "L"?
That's luke.
Lower the insignia.
Lower it.
"We love the --"
What the hell?
No, no, no. No, no.
No, no, no.
No. No, no, no. No.
Brava!
Phil, where have you been?
Oh, just getting some fresh air.
- Honey. - Got it.
Ready to go? Hey, look up at the moon.
Would you say that's waxing or waning?
Who cares? We can spend all night looking
--
"I can't be satisfied"?!
My God, Phil.
That makes me look like a prostitute.
No.
Yes. Yes, it does.
More of an escort, really.
You're just selling your time.
- Whereas a prostitute just-- - Okay, Phil.
I have been driving around in this all day.
Well, since you're mad already,
why don't you just step over here
and have a look at that?
Oh, God. My baby.
I am not getting back in that car!
Oh, how do you think you're gonna get home,
honey?
It doesn't matter! I'll go home with
anyone!
That's what it should say on the van.
Alex.
I can't believe we trusted you
to put this on the car
 Modern.Family.S02E19
after the debacle of that last picture.
Damn it.
And that -- who was that?
Probably another...
I think the word you're looking for is
"John."
Get in the minivan.
You mean to tell me that
people have actually been calling about
this?
There are a lot of creeps out there.
That's disgusting. She's a child.
Well, to be fair, most of them were for you.
Well, it's still sick.
What do you mean, "Most"?
Well, I don't know. There were 30 calls.
You got 20 or 25 of them.
And they...ask for me?
They asked for the hot blonde.
Hmm. Men are pigs.
Did they call me anything else?
So, thanks to all the perverts in town,
I realized I still have a few good years
ahead of me.
And if we have one person to thank for that,
It would be me.
No.
Was it as awful as I think?
Take the flowers.
It must have been really hard for you to
be supportive
while I made a fool out of myself.
Oh, come here.
Luke, do you mind?
We're trying to have a moment here.
I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
- In his eyes? - Yes.
Okay. We'll get a janitor.
Okay.

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Modern.Family.S02E20
Want some coffee?
Say yes. It's french press.
I was doubtful, too,
but I honestly can't see myself going back
to drip.
I'm so happy you don't live in a tough
neighborhood anymore.
We're so sorry for just dropping by like
this.
Are you kidding me?
I'll take any chance to spend time with this
little princess.
I love her little hair, her little toes.
and she loves her grandmother.
I don't love "Grandmother."
So, Cam and I have been revising our will
to specify who should take care of Lily
if, god forbid, something happened to us.
God forbid.
I said "God for--"
So, we've been dropping by unannounced
to, you know, casually assess our
candidates.
Not all of our candidates.
No, t-that's true. We did not drop by
Missour-ah.
It's "Missouri."
No one from Missouri would say
"Missour-ah."
I'm so sorr-ah.
So, anyway, Claire and Phil were our first
thought,
so we dropped by their place last week.
You win the award for worst mother ever!
I will be sure to thank you in my speech!
Phil, the frying pan's on fire!
Son of Jor-el! Everybody stay calm!
Dad, I'm gonna teach myself how to juggle.
Good for you, buddy.
Mom! No one heard me screaming?!
I've been trapped in the garage for like
20 minutes!
And yet still you didn't get the rat traps
I sent you for.
Modern.Family.S02E20
- Oh! - Thank you.
Honey, it's doing it again!
Come on, now! Every morning?!
I hope the whole house burns down!
Did we come at a bad time?
Come back in seven years and five months,
when they're all gone!
So, mama, you're good for coal?!
Okay, okay!
Well, you bundle up!
We don't want to lose you!
Okay. Yeah, bye!
They're in the middle of a terrible
blizzard.
So you shouted!
Did they really lose two cows?
Oh, yeah, frozen solid. Mama's gonna send
pictures.
Oh, yay, a reason to stop by the frame
store.
Manny, I got to get you down to that
sporting-goods place.
- Got to get him some stuff for his weekend
outing. - Ready!
- Did you pee? Not ready.
- Jay, would you mind if we came? - Sure,
why not?
You know, I'd like to get mama some
snowshoes --
You know, to lift her spirits,
what with all the frozen cows and all.
So, cows freeze now? Are we all just
accepting that?
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Jay, this one time
--
We'll take two cars.
If you want, I can stay with the little
princess.
Oh, that-- that's a great idea.
Oh, yeah, I'll just -- I'll just go out and
get her bag.
Maybe I can take her to the mall,
buy her a new outfit,
get her some hair rings -- is that okay?
Yes, yes, of course.
Um, you know, Gloria, Cam and I were talking

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-【320】-
 Modern.Family.S02E20
about what would happen to Lily to cello?
if anything were ever to happen to us, - One time, she gave me a woody. - Sweet
- and we were thinking - Oh, my god. Is it? je--
I take her! She remembered he's my favorite character
Okay, well, that's very sweet, from "Toy story."
but you realize it would only happen -- She did.
I can't wait! Uh...Haley, how are you getting to the
Okay, well, hopefully, it's a long shot. mall?
Ay, a little girl! Uh, Gabby's picking me up.
There would have to be a very tragic Okay, you're gonna drop
accident. your sister off at her cello lesson first.
I know, I know. No way. She plays lacrosse and takes cello
Nothing is going to happen. lessons.
Oh. Even my reputation can't handle that dork
But if it did, we would be so happy! hit.
So, what do you say, pal? I got to swing Okay, well, then you don't need
by the office. to go snowboarding with your friends on
You want to come along? break.
Can't. We got some stuff to do. Fine, I'll take her.
- What? - Just errands. Just never look my friends in the eye,
I'm taking Luke to see a child and only speak in emergencies.
psychologist. - Got it. - Ah! Already failed.
This is something that Phil would never Honey, after I go by the office,
agree to. - maybe we can grab some lunch. - Oh, I
He's doesn't want luke to can't.
feel...different. I got to pick up all that stuff for the
But Luke's grades aren't great, school trip.
and he's having trouble concentrating in But you know what? I'll see you tonight at
school. dad and Gloria's.
I just want to make sure that - Okay. - Smell Heather for me.
he's...normal. I always do...not.
- Hey, mom, check it out. - What are you Ms. Dunphy?
doing? Hi, Dr. Klausner.
If I move my head fast enough, I am so sorry we're late.
It looks like the can is standing still. We just got a little bit caught up in --
'cause sometimes I wonder. Oh, no, it's okay. It's okay.
But all the girls at work love it It gave me a chance to chat with your
when I bring luke by, husband.
especially that receptionist Heather, Hello, Claire.
right, buddy? So, Luke, come on in with me.
She smells amazing. Mom and dad, we'll let you know when we need
Mm. Well, honey, you're gonna have to you.
smell daddy's receptionist some other Go get 'em, pal.
time. - How did you -- - How did I what?
Like peaches. Know you were someplace you left no trace
If you're both going out, who's taking me of

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-【321】-

except for a tiny notation in your
calendar?
It was quite simple, really.
I noticed a tiny nota--
Shoot.
That's weird. My cello teacher's car isn't
here.
I wonder if she's not home.
Okay, so go knock on the door, Alan
Einstein.
- Don't leave. And it's "Albert."- I know.
Alan's his dorky brother who played the
cello.
Good one.
I should probably not be telling you this.
- What? - Nothing. It's really bad.
Tell me.
When you and Dylan were broken up,
Rachel told him you were a skank
and got all up on him.
No! But she's so nice to me.
To your face. That's how she plays.
Well, now she's gonna see how we play.
What are we gonna do?
She's not there. You're just gonna have to
take me home.
We don't have time. We have stuff to do.
Then I'm just gonna have to come with you.
Can't we just drop her off
at a coffee shop or something?
What, so she gets kidnapped
and I get in trouble?
No, thank you.
Okay, fine, you can come with us,
But you have to keep your mouth shut about
anything you see.
- What's she gonna see? - Just drive!
Ooh, maybe I should also get a gift for my
aunt Pat.
Have I ever told you about her?
Total gun nut, lives completely off the
grid.
Did you see how cute Gloria was with Lily?
Oh, Pat is hilarious.
I don't think she's paid taxes in 20 years,
but very hospitable.
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Always has a deer in the freezer.
Would you listen to me?
I think that Gloria and my dad
could be Lily's guardians.
Look, you know I love Jay,
and they're still in the mix,
but I just don't know about him raising a
child.
Well, Cam, he raised me.
Well, now you've put me in an awkward
position.
Oh, look at that. That's adorable.
Let's see if we can get you some snow pants.
I just wish I felt better.
I think I'm coming down with flu-like
symptoms.
Couple of hours before your camping trip,
huh?
I want to go.
It's just, if I'm sick,
I might get the chaperones sick,
And without chaperones, it's anarchy.
Manny, listen to me.
The buddy system falls apart,
The principle of "Last in, first out" is
ignored.
- It's butterflies. - Where?
You're just nervous because
there's gonna be a lot of physical
activity,
which is not exactly your strong suit.
It is a little daunting out there.
D-don't use the word "daunting" in nature,
okay?
You just need a little self-confidence.
Look at this. They got one of these rock
walls here.
Why don't you hop up on that?
Why?
Why? To prove that you can do it.
If you can do that, you can do anything.
Really? Can I fly? Can I speak Chinese?
No, but you can sleep in the house tonight.
Ace? Want to wire my boy up, here? Go ahead.
I'm sorry I went behind your back.
But you get so defensive whenever

we talk about Luke's issues.
He doesn't have issues. You're just a
worrier.
Like when you thought he was never gonna
talk.
He was 2, and all he could do was bark!
- I understood him. - Phil!
Look, he starts coming here,
the other kids find out, he becomes a
target,
like that limping gazelle at the watering
hole
that the alligator knows to eat.
They're crocodiles, not alligators.
There are no alligators in Africa.
How about at the zoo?
Bam! Who needs a shrink now?
- Mr. And mrs. Dunphy? - Yes?
Hi.
Luke, I'm gonna talk to your mom and dad
for a minute, okay?
Okay. She's, like, the best doctor ever.
A couple of puzzles, no shots.
I didn't even have to take my pants off.
Found that one out a little late.
I've been there, buddy.
Well, luke's a terrific kid.
I have a few thoughts, but, honestly,
I don't see anything that's cause for
alarm.
Awesome. Thanks so much for your time.
We -- we would love to hear your thoughts.
Well...he's a bright and curious boy,
But he gets distracted.
I see it all the time with above-average
kids.
Phil, honey, I want you to hear this.
They're a little overstimulated
because there are so many things they're
interested in.
They never seem to focus.
Makes me crazy.
Too crazy.
Well, they usually do outgrow it.
- What if they don't? - He will.
Well, there's -- there's medication,
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-【323】-
Modern.Family.S02E20
but why don't we cross that bridge if we
come to it?
Is there any way to avoid that bridge
altogether?
You know, maybe there's diet or --
or focusing exercises or something?
Mrs. Dunphy, what exactly are you worried
about?
Get comfortable.
I'm worried he's turning into you, Phil.
I knew the minute I opened my mouth
that I was in the wrong,
but, honestly, sometimes I wonder about
him.
- Hey, mom, check it out. - What are you
doing?
If I move my head fast enough,
it looks like the can is standing still.
He's totally right!
I just find it interesting that you blame
Jay
for everything from your night terrors to
your shy bladder,
And now he's the perfect guardian for Lily.
No, not perfect, and -- and
I never said anything about my shy bladder.
O-oh. Then why did I have to stand guard
outside the bathroom,
at Pepper's three faces of new year's eve
party?
Damn it, Manny! Move it! Go!
It's scary.
You're 2 feet off the ground.
I've seen vines climb walls faster than
that.
Move your butt!
Oh, well, there's your esteem-building
parent right there.
Wait, wait, I think I hear future Lily
sending us a message from her stripper pole
--
"Thanks, gay dead dads.
This dance is for you."
Excuse me, Jay?
I'm getting down.
Not till you touch the top! What is it?

Well, maybe if we didn't bully Manny so
much,
but, rather, showed him,
he wouldn't be so afraid.
Excuse me, Sherpa, can you assist me with
the harness?
Oh, no. Which one of these is my driving
machine?
Phil, I already apologized.
It just -- it came out wrong.
Funny, I thought that was my problem --
I came out wrong.
Hold on.
Oh, good, I can walk again.
Honey, you know, sometimes you can act a
little bit --
Oh, no! Where did everyone go?!
Oh, just a blink.
Phil,
when you are ready to talk to me like an
adult,
why don't you let me know?
Fine. Okay, okay.
The adults are the big ones, right?
Hey, how do you think that got up there?
Now, I know it seems daunting,
Manny, but it's very simple.
I'm securely hitched to a rope,
which means I'm not going to fall.
You know, dad, you're really making
- my life difficult right now.- How?
By barking at Manny like a drill sergeant
when I'm trying to convince Cam
that you'd be a great guardian for lily.
- Guardian? - Yeah.
You're kidding.
Jay!
Yeah, never mind.
That really hurt!
This is a mistake.
Why does she keep saying that?
Because they're the first words she ever
heard.
Here, you go first.
This will teach that Skank a lesson.
Shaving cream in her locker?
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-【324】-
Modern.Family.S02E20
Just stand over there and yell if someone's
coming.
She might have homework assignments in
there
she hasn't handed in yet.
Haley!
- Someone's coming! - Run!
- This way, this way! - Okay, okay, okay!
- Where are we? - Boys' locker room.
It smells like feet.
That's not feet. Okay. Come here.
I'm so scared.
Just go to your happy place.
We just broke into my happy place.
Who's there?
Go, go, run, run!
Not so loud! Run! Run!
So, how you doing?
Oh, not good. I'm just glad my clown
training
prepared me to take a fall like that.
Yeah, and in terms of talking about it,
Are we looking at weeks, months?
Do not minimize it, you,
who I had to rush to the emergency room
that time you fell out of your clogs.
There's your bubbly water with lemon.
Thank you, Jay.
How you doin'?
Oh, it's hard to tell.
You know, anytime you have
a catastrophic injury to your lumbar area
--
I could use a little piece of lumbar myself
right now.
Well, I hope you're comfortable now
making my family Lily's guardians.
HOLA, HOLA!
You're forgetting about Gloria.
Even you have to admit how amazing she is
with Lily.
Mm! Look who's so pretty!
Oh, my god!
Gloria, what did you do?
What I told you.
You pierced her ears?!

What I said --
I was going to make her pretty with
earrings.
I thought you said "Hair rings."
What are hair rings?
Yes, Mitchell, what are hair rings?
Something that you would tie your hair back
--
she said it!
I didn't say "Hair rings." I said
"Earrings."
You don't like?
Of course not. You punctured our daughter!
But did you see both sides?
I didn't just do the gay ear.
Look.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my God.
I actually -- I think we're good.
Let's just wait in here for Gabby, okay?
Oh, my god! I can't believe we just did
that.
Can you believe we just did that?
Yeah, we had a lot of fun. Let's not geek
it up.
Wait. What if I have a taste for it now?
Am I gonna start doing stuff like that all
the time?
Calm down. You just did one bad thing.
Two.
I skipped my cello lesson today.
That wasn't even where my teacher lives.
You ditched a class?
Well, I-I didn't have time to practice
Because of lacrosse and debate team and --
Do you even like playing the cello?
Yeah.
Alex?
I hate it.
So quit.
I've never quit anything.
You've never broke into a school before.
Just did that.
No offense, but the family's hopes and
dreams
are kind of pinned on me.
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-【325】-
Modern.Family.S02E20
I'm just saying that no one would blame you
if you stopped being so perfect.
It actually would take a lot of pressure
off of me.
I did something bad, too...
Something that nobody knows.
- What? - Come here.
I can't say it too loud, okay?
What did you do?
Phil, I'm just not sure you understand
why I said what I said.
There are qualities about me you wish you
could change,
but you can't 'cause I'm all grown up,
but it's not too late for Luke.
Okay.
Honey, there are a hundred things about
luke
that he gets from you that I absolutely
love.
It's just this -- this one tiny part
that I'm sure if I could just get in there
and just...ee!
Claire... he's a great kid.
He's gonna be fine.
I know.
I think I know.
I feel terrible that we fought in front of
him.
Did he say anything about that on the drive
here?
How would I know? He rode with you.
He didn't drive with me. He drove with you.
Just admit it --
you want lily raised by anyone but my
family.
It's just so far away from everything she
knows.
And then there's the crazy aunts and the
frozen cows.
Oh, please, in the last hour,
your father publicly shamed Manny,
dropped me from the sky,
while his wife drilled holes in our baby's
head.
Which is why I think

we should revisit claire and phil.
Where are my keys?
We left Luke alone in a parking garage!
We don't know the whole story.
Don't we?
- Whose car are we taking? - Mine.
Then I'm driving!
Hey, mom.
- Buddy! - Luke?
- Buddy! - Lukey?
- Thank you so much. - Honey, get out of
there.
Thank you!
I'm so sorry. We are so sorry.
- Oh, buddy, you must've been so scared.-
No.
- Oh, god. - Well, what happened?
Well, I knew you'd come back.
Then you didn't.
So I had to go find a phone.
That's when I saw a stray dog
and I played with him for a while.
Then I thought I saw mrs. Morgan,
my first-grade teacher, going into a
church.
It wasn't her,
but there was a wedding there.
That's where I met the Litvaks.
Oh, thank you! Thank you so much.
Congratul-- tov.
Mwah! Oh, baby.
- Can I go get a drink? - Yes, you can.
Yes, you can! You can drink whatever you
want!
There's tons of soda in there.
What an amazing kid!
I can't believe I ever worried about him
out in the world.
That's what I do, though, isn't it? I worry.
I worry -- I think about a tiny, little
thing,
and then I obsess on it, until, suddenly,
it's the only thing I can think about.
God, please don't let me screw up our son.
You know why else he's gonna be okay?
No.
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Because somewhere out there is a worried
little girl
who's making lists and labeling bins,
and he's gonna find her.
Cam?
I know you're kind of down on jay being
lily's guardian.
Now, that's not anything you need to worry
about, Manny.
I just think you're being too hard on him.
We had a little chat in the car.
I'm sorry I let you down, Jay.
I'm starting to think if I couldn't even
get up that wall,
- Then why am I even going on this - Knock
it off, Manny.
We both know you could get up that wall.
Now, why are you trying to get out of this
trip?
I'm not. I'm excited to go --
Manny...
Okay.
I have some concerns about the shower
situation.
Oh. Because?
- Well, I'm pretty much at my target weight.
- That's good.
But the thing is, I haven't quite reached
my target height.
Got it.
All right, first of all, you don't have to
go.
I'll write you a note.
We'll plan on doing something fun this
weekend.
- Really? - You bet.
And you're not mad at me?
Look, if you were a different kid, I'd give
you the speech --
You know, "We all have insecurities.
You've got to be brave here."
But let's face it --
You're already about the bravest kid I
know.
- I am? - Come on.
You wear blazers to school. You play the

pan flute.
You -- you read poetry to girls.
I couldn't even talk to girls when I was
your age.
The shower thing's nothing compared to all
that.
So, whatever you decide, I'm behind you.
No, I got that set up just right.
I told you about that before.
Jay said that?
Yeah, and he wasn't drinking or anything.
So, what are you gonna do?
I think I'm gonna go.
I mean, if Reuben can go with that extra
nipple...
I'm proud of you, Manny.
You're doing the right thing, trust me.
I mean, what were you thinking, Gloria?
Ay, Mitch, I said I was sorry.
But I had them since I was 2 -- huge ones.
What is she --
Earrings, Phil. Earrings.
Mitch, I just wanted to tell you how really
touched I was
You'd want me to be lily's guardian.
Oh, you're welcome. And you're out.
Excuse me.
I have a very important announcement to
make.
Oh. Sorry. Sorry, so rude.
Totally inexcusable. Yello!
Mitchell and I have decided that if, god
forbid,
Anything should happen to us --
- You don't have to do this right now. -
No.
We would like to Jay and Gloria to be Lily's
guardians.
- Cam? - It's the right decision.
That is great news!
Lily, when something horrible happens,
You're going to be all mine!
It really is an "If" Situation.
All mine!
I don't mean to ruin this really beautiful
moment,
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But were Phil and I even considered for the
position?
Claire?
I mean, we are the parents
Of three healthy, well-adjusted children
who --
Honey, we need to go down to the police
station.
Our daughters just vandalized the school.
This is not over.
Let's go see your new room, Liliana.
No, that's not her name.
Oh, hey, what are you doing home?
Oh, I bailed on yoga.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, could you go to the mailbox and get
me --
No, why can't I just come in?
- You can. I just - - Cameron?
- What? - Look at me.
- I am. - What did you do?
I am home alone for a lot of hours.
Carmen Miranda?
I just wanted a couple before the holes
closed up.
Oh, cameron.
All right, just get one with me really
quick.
All right. Hey! One for daddy!

Modern.Family.S02E21
Okay, okay.Here she comes!
Happy mother's day...oh!
What are you wearing?
You don't remember this shirt?
You made it for me for mother's day in
kindergarten.
- It's adorable. - It's perverted.
It looks like you were felt up
- By that creepy guy around the coner. -
Ew! Why him?
'cause he's got, like, freakishly tiny
hands.
Thank you!
I cannot believe you kept that shirt.
Of course I kept it. I'm your mother.
I keep everything you make me.
Please take that off.
Oh, when I'm dead.
Today is my special day,
And I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.
- You know that's a pencil holder, right?
- Oh, I do now.
Go first.
- No, you can go first. - Manny, go first!
No, Jay, you go first.
Ah, somebody give me a present!
Oh, Jay, a diamond necklace!
Thank you!
You deserve it.
Go ahead, kid.
Happy mother's day, mom.
A necklace made of the froot loops!
I love it!
I know they're not exactly diamonds, mom.
No, they're beautiful.
You know what? I got a confession to make.
Those aren't real diamonds. No.
Here, give them back. I'll get you some real
ones later.
Dang it. Now I got to come clean.
These aren't real froot loops. They're
generic.
Now I have no presents again.
Good morning!
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Hey, what's this?
Well, I know you've had some late nights
with Lily,
And this is just my way of saying "Thank
you" And "I love you."
Oh, thank you.
And this is just the beginning.
Yeah, 'cause today is your day.
Today?
All day.
Today. Today is my day.
Something's happening.
- It mother's day, Mitchell. - So?
You're bringing me breakfast in bed on
mother's day.
Okay, no, no, this is not a mother's day
breakfast.
This is breakfast that happens to be on --
You think of me as Lily's mother!
- I'm your wife! I'm a woman!! - What?
Honestly, I'm a little offended that he
accused me of that.
I'm acally very sensitive to that issue.
Like I would ever treat my partner as a
woman.
Somebody got new curtains.
Well, Mrs. Pritchett loves to shop.
Oh, we're never gonna be done by 6:00.
Better call home.
The wife's not gonna like this.
Sometimes I think he just wants to be mad
at me.
- I can't eat! - Okay, you know what?
If you can't accept the nice gesture,
Then just forget it.
Okay, scratch the balloons. She is in a
mood.
I asked claire what she wanted for mother's
day,
And she said, "Take a hike."
It's not like that.
She's -- she's just bananas for walking
around in nature.
Um, so, she and -- and gloria
Are taking the kids up the canyon
Um,and jay and I are, uh, throwing on the

aprons
And preparing a mother day feast.
It's...
It's gonna be fun.
I know you want to leave me
- But I refuse to -- - We're not doing that.
You know there are coyotes in these woods?
Did you pack a weapon?
I have a walking stick.
Does it become a sword?
I guess it could become a running stick.
All right, you're gonna outrun a coyote?
The fastest mammal in the world?
I'm not sure that's true.
And how are you gonna fend them off with
a popsicle stick?
It's a spear.
And it smells like lemon-lime,
A flavor coyotes hate.
Where are you getting your information?
How much farther?
Well, I'd like to go far enough
that we can't still see our car in the
parking lot.
I'm getting dust in my mouth.
- You have to appreciate nature. - Yes.
Soon, this will be the mall.
- I'll come then. - I'm hungry.
Oh, then I guess we'll be eating the mood.
I don't get you at all.
I know.
Oh, is that the party over there?
I don't know. I'm a woman, remember?
I have a terrible sense of direction.
May I remind you that my big crime
was making you fluffy pancakes, okay?
I'm getting a little sick of you dwelling
on this.
It happens to be Mother's Day, not Martyr's
Day.
Mitchell.
I'm sorry. It's just a sensitive issue for
me.
Okay.
There's nothing gays hate more than when
people...
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- treat us like women. - Treat us like
women.
We're not.
We don't want to go to your baby shower.
We don't have a time of the month.
We don't love pink.
Well, you love pink.
- No, pink loves me. - Okay.
- Hey, guys! - Hey! So...
That's Jen, husband Rick, baby Diego.
I don't get it either.
Hey, Jen. Let me help you with that.
Rick! How you doing?
We should do play group on weekends more
often.
It's nice to have the husbands around to
help, right?
Oh, yeah, because that makes all the sense
in the world --
You as the husband.
Stop it. That's not what she meant.
Look at us. I could snap you like a twig.
Okay, every once in a while you say that
thing about the twig,
- And I need you to know that it bothers
me. - Sorry.
Okay, everybody. Happy Mother's Day!
I know I speak for all the guys
when I say thank you for everything you do
while we're off having affairs.
I'm kidding. I'll pay for that later.
Uh, let's get the moms and kids together
for a picture!
No, let's go. Let's get out of here.
Leave the stroller and run.
Cam, stop. No one's going to ask you to --
Cameron, get on up here.
I don't know. You guys just go ahead.
- You're an honorary mom! - Oh, I don't
know.
Uh, okay, all right.
- Unhand me. - Get over there.
That's -- that's...
Okay, tighten up, tighten up.
Up here, ladies!
Beautiful. One more, gals.

Oh, thanks, ladies. Thanks so much.
Perfect.
Great. Okay.
Yeah, that was definitely poison oak.
I think this rash is spreading.
Manny, that's not a rash.
It's red because you scratch it.
I just don't want my throat to close.
Wouldn't be the worst thing.
I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.
I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug
that flew in my mouth just to feel
something.
I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.
Ugh! Okay!
For the last 20 minutes,
all you people have done is whine!
You would think on mother's day, at least,
You would have something nice to say --
-Shh! - What?
Thought I heard a coyote. Go ahead.
God, Luke, you're such an idiot.
At least I don't look like an idiot.
- What does that mean? - Your hat.
It's like you walked under a bird that poops
ugly hats.
Can we watch the language?
There's nothing else to watch.
Enough complaining!
You can't bitch all day
because you're not at the beach all day.
Come on.
No. No, no.
I-I'm giving myself a mother's day present.
Kids, your hike is over.
- Yes! - Yeah!
No! No, not happy.
- Bad. Sad. - Mm.
Gloria and I are gonna go finish
this beautiful hike together while you sit
here
and think about how selfish and thoughtless
you've been.
Come on.
If we're thoughtless, how can we think?
You just lost your water.
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Let's go.
What the hell are those?
Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook.
Welcome to the 21st century. You should get
a pair.
I was gonna suggest the same thing.
Hey, Jay, you know what we should put in
this?
- We should add a da-- - No.
It's my mom's recipe.
What it says on the page goes in the pot.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Now, how long do I stir the beef and
sausages?
Read it to me.
You should stir the beef and sausages for
five minutes.
And how much longer do I have to listen
to the Julia Child Impression?,
For as long as it's still funny.
I think the timer just went off on that.
That was unnecessary.
What's this?
What?!
Hey, Jay, maybe after this,
we should make "the perfect mom."
All we need is "a tablespoon of love, 1 cup
of warmth,
add one heart, softened."
What the hell are you talking about?
This recipe for the perfect mom,
by Jay Francis Fritchett, age nine.
Geez, I forgot all about that.
I didn't know she had that in there.
What's that, Francis?
Nothing.
How much longer on the meat?
I love the part about "serves one small
boy."
That's adorable.
"175 pounds of tenderness."
She must have loved that. Big woman?
Jay?
And that's when I saw it.
Jay...
Are...

- Are you crying? - No!
It's the onions, damn it. Give me these.
What are you lookin' at?
Nothing.
Those really frame your face.
Beautiful.
Ay, thank you.
Okay, I don't want you to judge me,
but I have to say something.
Sometimes, I want to punch my kids.
- You don't mean that. - No, I do. I do.
The last time they were horrible the way
they were today,
They happened to be all lined up.
And I couldn't help but think,
"If I hit just one of them,
the rest would go down like dominos."
I know.
That would rob me of the pleasure
of hitting each one individually, but...
Oh, my god, you don't talk about your
children this way.
Oh, come on. You know Manny irritates you.
No. Manny is the best thing that ever
happened to me.
We have a special bond.
Yes, bonds. I know.
but that's not what I'm talking about now.
Claire, for a long time,
it was only the two of us.
I cannot say anything bad about that boy.
Give me a break, Gloria!
Anybody who's ever had a kid knows
that they can irritate the freaking life
out of you at some point.
Am I right?
Oh. Okay.
He's persnickety.
- What? - Manny.
He's persnickety. It drives me up the wall.
Okay, persnickety. Good start.
He follows me around all the time.
Sometimes I love it,
but sometimes I need my own space.
This does not make you a bad mother to admit
these things.
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And the poetry. It's not very good.
Ah. First time that I say that out loud.
Okay.
It's not very good!
I-I love Manny, but, you know, sometimes
I --
Just be a boy!
Go outside. Kick a ball. Steal something.
It feels so good!
Maybe to you.
No, Manny! Ay!
I was talking about another Manny that I
know long time ago!
Diablo!
Manny!
You know, more people have died hiking
than in the entire civil war?
Ok, what book did you read that in?
Book?
Wake up and smell the internet, grandma.
You know mom's just gonn want us to
apologize.
Well, we did kind of ruin her mother's day.
No, she ruined her mother's day.
She took us to a place
she knew we wouldn't like.
And then we complain for like a second,
and we're the bad guys?
That's a good point.
You ever get the feeling she does this
intentionally?
Why would she do that?
- So she can make us feel guilty. - Exactly.
And the next time we're choosing what to
do,
she gets her way again.
And the next time and the next time.
And eventually, it's mother's day every
day.
Wow. Mom's really smart.
Well, not smarter than me.
Well...
I say we don't apologize this time,
Let her know we're onto her little game.
We could change the way this whole family
operates.
 Modern.Family.S02E21
Okay, so nobody says they're sorry. It's kind of satiny.
Got it? Keep your mouths shut when she comes What are you saying?
back. Come on, you know.
If she comes back. No. No, no, no. I don't know.
Jay teared up in front of me. All right, if I'm thinking about it,
He'd never shown me that kind of of the two of us, if I had to pick,
vulnerability, I might say that you're slightly...Mom-er.
and it embarrassed him. Excuse me. Can you throw that ball?
I'd shamed the proud lion. Can I throw a ball?
Only thing to do... - You don't think I can throw a ball? - Cam
...hug the proud lion. - No, no, no. - That's not what he said.
Oh, I could get bit. No, apparently, this gentleman
I could get scratched. doesn't think I can throw a ball.
But you know what's inside every lion? Oh, that's not what he said.
A pussycat. You think I can't throw a ball? Well, let's
I need you to get away from me. find out!
Yep. Oo god. He looks old.
Okay, I'm just gonna say this one time Oh, sorry!
so we can move on. Cam, hands.
- It's okay. - Gotcha. Sorry!
You -- you know what "It" is? There you go.
It's you crying. Manny, I didn't mean any of it.
- Which I didn't. - You teared up. Please forgive me!
It was the onions. I don't think I can. Let's just get in the
Okay, okay. van.
Maybe I'm -- maybe I'm just putting myself Oh. Sorry for the rhyme.
in your place, I know how you "hate my poetry."
but if I came across something from my Please, stop my suffering!
childhood, Say something terrible about me
and it reminded me of my mom, I might get so that we can be even like steven.
a little misty, Why would I say something terrible to
maybe even want to talk about it. someone I love?
Here. I curse my tongue!
So proud. I'm gonna intervene here.
They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell. Manny, let's talk about what really
Which you accepted. happened, okay?
Why can't you ever take my side? Your mom said you should go out and throw
They think of me as a woman! a ball around.
Cam, no, come on. That can't be the first time you've heard
We're just a new type of family, you know? that.
They don't have the right vocabulary for No. But there was some hurtful stuff said
us yet. about my poetry.
They need one of us to be the mom. Which your mom regrets.
So why does it have to be me? I do!
Do I wear a dress? So? That's what parents are for.
That's a nightshirt! Sometimes they criticize because it helps

第 5 页 共 7 页

-【332】-

make you stronger.
Kids these days get trophies just for
showing up.
What's that gonna lead to?
A bunch of 30-year-olds living at home.
Manny, your mom loves you very much.
But she's a human being.
So she let off a little steam.
Honestly, it's probably a great thing for
your relationship.
- I guess I can - Stop.
He needs to know the real truth.
Manny, Claire was feeling bad
because she wants to hit her own children,
So I tried to make her feel better
by inventing terrible things about you.
You mean you don't have a problem with my
poetry?
No, the only problem that I have
is that I never have enough of it.
You're the perfect kid in every way.
Ay, mi amor
Wow. That's healthy.
Good. You're back.
Are we done?
Unless the you have something to say
to the person who gave you life on her
special day.
- Nope. - I'm good.
My baby, Luke?
No.
Here. What's this?
Well, it's a mother's day card.
And I know -- stop it! Okay.
Cam, that was Gloria's card from Manny
But I just wanted you to see
what its definition for "Mother" was on it.
It's warm, nurturing, supportive.
You know, maybe when the world sees you as
a mom --
Not just the world.
Fine. Fine. Me too.
But maybe this is what we're seeing,
And I don't know why that's such a bad
thing.
It certainly doesn't make you less of a man,
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-【333】-
Modern.Family.S02E21
right?
- Maybe you're right. - Yeah.
Come on, let's join the party.
And, Cam, put down the scotch.
You're not fooling anyone.
It is so burn-y. Oh, my god.
Come on, people! Everybody to the table!
It's just hard, you know?
Having your mother's day ruined.
I never thought it would be you, Lucas.
Don't even think about it.
But she's sad.
Sad she's losing.
She just hit you with her best shot.
We need to stay strong.
- But I feel-- - Don't feel!
Just go splash water on your face and man
up!
We're your mother now.
How was your day with my dad?
Awkward, actually.
He, um... He cried a little.
- My dad?! - Shh!
- Dad what? - He cried.
No, I didn't say he cried.
- Who cried? - My dad. - Stop!
Why would you make Jay sob like that?
I didn't make him sob.
He teared up when I found this poem
he wrote for his mom as a boy.
- What is "Ohh"? - Phil saw dad cry.
Jay misses his mama.
- Everybody, stop! - Is anybody hungry?
- What? - You cried for your mommy?
Oh, crap. I did not.
Yes, Phil just told us--
No, that's not true. She's a liar.
What's wrong with you?
Look, I know you would all be so happy
if you thought I had some big emotional
moment
about my mom, but I didn't.
So you don't miss your mom?
Of course I do. She was a great lady.
And she also left me a fantastic recipe for
sauce,
 Modern.Family.S02E21
which now is getting cold.
So can we please eat?
- Hear, hear! - Just grab some wine.
Oh, my Gosh, smell that.
It smells like grandma's house.
Hey, you guys remember that?
I remember the first time I cut spaghetti.
- Eh-eh! - That's what she did! Eh-eh!
Yeah, no, you can't cut spaghetti.
She taught me to twirl.
Oh, so she's the one.
Yeah, she was tough.
I remember I had this little league coach.
And one time after a game,
he was laying into me about something.
I don't remember.
But mom comes charging out of the stands.
She goes right up to the guy --
I mean, face to face, nose to nose --
And she says to him, "Let me tell you
something --
"Nobody, and I mean nobody,
"Yells at my little
Boy."
Oh, my god! It's happening again!
It's okay, Jay. Let it out.
- Let it out. - You only get one mom.
I'm sorry, mom!
Me too!
A bottle of red, a bottle of -- what?!
Oh, yeah, and I'm the weak one.
Mitchell?
Oh, I'm good.
Phil!
- Dad! - Come on, honey!
I'm sorry.
- Ew, get off of me! - I'm sorry!
Dada!
Oh, I think she's calling you.
Don't even try.
I have that pottery class in the morning.
Jay, let's go to bed.
Be right up.
Son of a bitch.

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-【334】-

Modern.Family.S02E22
Oh, good job.
Oh, yes, such a beautiful day.
Let's go have brunch somewhere outside
Where I can wear my new sunglasses, huh?
Ew, gross! What happened to you?
I don't feel good.
I'm hot.
Now I'm cold.
Oh, no.
and we have that concert tonight.
I know, but, honey,
That's the furthest thing from my mind,
okay?
Why me?!
We had amazing seats for Lady GAGA,
and he gets sick.
I'd been looking forward to that concert
for months.
It's the one gay cliche I allow myself.
No more fighting!
No more fighting for the rest of your lives,
You are not allowed to yell at each other.
- But you're allowed to yell at us? - Yes,
alex, I am,
Because I feed you and I clothe you
And I pay the mortgage.
Pretty sure old dad deserves a shout-out
right about now.
- Phil! - Sorry.
Should've taken the temperature of the room
first.
What's up?
Luke and Manny barged into our room
While we were changing, the little pervs!
Can I just say, in europe this would be no
big deal.
Yeah. You can see me in my underwear
whenever you want.
Here, I'll make it even.
- No, hey, Luke, Luke, Luke! - Mom!
Luke, keep your pants on, okay?!
And, girls, stop getting so hysterical over
everything!
Come on! Now, grow up a little!
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I need things to start changing around
here,
Or I will change things, okay?
There will be no more TV and no internet
And no whatever else I can think of.
May I have a word with you, Phil?
I'd rather not.
What was that?
- Nothing. - Phil, you sold me out behind
my back.
No! It's just that sometimes you can get
a little intense,
And I feel like I need to swoop in
To let the kids know they're still loved.
I could kick you.
Honey, these are just the parts that we're
playing.
Am I wrong, or has it been working?
I feel like it's been working.
I'm tired of being the bad cop.
You need to discipline them sometime
And let me swoop in with all the love.
Shouldn't we just stick with the stuff
we're good at?
Oh, my god! This bathroom is disgusting!
The girls told me they would clean it days
ago.
I can't yell at them about it one more time,
Phil.
You handle it.
I would, but I promised Luke and Manny
I'd take them go-karting for their good
report cards.
What was good about Luke's report card?
He didn't lose it.
Let me take them.
Yes, let me take them. You stay here.
Hound the girls about cleaning up this
mess,
And I will take Luke to do something fun.
But...
I want to go go-karting.
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
This is happening.
Boys!
Hey, guys, guess who's taking you

go-karting today.
Me.
Why?
Are we in trouble?
No! You're not in trouble.
Today's just all about having fun!
And you know what? Go-karting's just the
beginning.
What else are we doing?
Whatever you want.
- I want to bring dad. - Well, tough. You
can't.
He's doing something else.
Goodbye. We will be back in a few hours.
Oh, whoa! Where you guys going?
I am taking Alex to the movies,
And then I'm going to the mall.
How fun! That sounds like fun, doesn't it,
Phil?
I'm not much of a shopper, but it would
depend on --
Clean bathroom.
Girls...
How about you clean your bathroom before
you go, huh?
It'd really help your mom out.
Oh, no. It's not about what mom wants.
You mom is cool,
Very cool with whatever.
It's about what dad wants.
Dad wants to go go-karting.
I would really like it if you would clean
your bathroom.
But my movie!
Why do we have to do it now?
Because Claire says so.
Because I say so.
And because I'm your dad.
And I'm older than you,
and I call the shots around here.
- Right? - Yes, you do.
This is so unfair!
Come on, guys, let's go have some fun!
- Ow! You're hurting me. - Oh, you're fine!
Have fun, guys.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
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So...
How does this usually start?
Good morning, Mr. Pritchett.
How you doing, Sport?
I didn't know who that was. I never do.
At least once a month,
I find a total stranger sitting in my
kitchen.
Gloria collects every kind of stray
looking for work, money, you name it.
She's got a big heart.
It's the one thing I'd like to change about
her.
Hey, a dog. That's new.
That was Mr. Pritchett.
Oh, Jay, there you are. Come.
I want to introduce you to Guillermo.
Just met him. Really hit it off.
Honey, keep it under a hundred bucks,
you don't even have to tell me.
- I'm going golfing. - No.
He's a very nice man that works at the
grocery store
and needs a little bit of business advice.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
I thought he was just some nut
who lived behind the dry cleaner's.
Oh, that's the guy we bought corrective
shoes for last month.
Jay, he knows how successful you are,
And all he wants is an hour of your t--
half-hour.
10 minutes. I promise him!
Honey, I love you,
but why do you drag me into these things?
You've got to learn to say no to people.
Fine. Ask me if you can go golfing now.
Other people.
All I want is, when I go to bed at night,
to be laying next to a man that is generous
and giving.
And that man doesn't necessarily need to
be you.
Okay, let's do this.
Okay. Guillermo!
Do you want me to move the waste basket

closer to you?
- Oh, no. It's fine where it is. - Really?
'cause the bed kind of looks like a rose
parade float.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Well, what else would I be doing?
Um, seeing lady gaga, that's what.
So, uh, Cam, you know, I hate to bring this
up,
but what are we gonna do about that concert?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, we were both looking
forward to going.
You were looking forward to going.
I was really looking forward to going.
And I just -- I-I hate to see those tickets
go to waste.
I know, I know.
But what are our options?
We could both go to the concert.
That's not gonna happen.
Uh, well, we could sell the tickets online.
But there's that craigslist killer.
Oh, what to do? What to do?
What to do? What to do? What to do?
Other options, other options.
Mitchell, are you hinting
that you want to go to that concert without
me?
No! No! Not in a million years!
But that's very sweet of you to offer.
- I didn't offer.- Oh, really?
'cause that just seems like something that
you would say
"You go, I'll be fine.
You spent all the money on the tickets,
And I'm just gonna lie in bed anyways."
That's classic Cam.
- I'm just so weak. - Okay, good.
You know what? It's settled.
We're just gonna put this whole
"You insisting I go to the concert without
you"
thing behind us.
You know what?
What?
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Can I get one of my little pudding cups?
Yes, you can. Yes.
You eat the pudding,
and I'll eat the tickets.
Thanks for your dining, Mr.Pritchett.
But after you hearing my presentation,
you will be thanking me.
Well, you've got confidence. I admire that.
He admires that, Guillermo.
You're doing great. Keep going.
Are you aware that last year,
Americans spent $40 billion on dog
training?
Well, that's not true.
I was surprised as you are.
No, you were surprised because it's not
true.
Shh! Go on, Guillermo.
What is this multibillion-dollar industry
missing?
Multibillion dollars.
I have devised a revolutionary way to
communicate --
Listen, I hate to interrupt your big pitch,
but your dog is chewing my pillow.
This is fantastic.
It's not fantastic for my pillow.
It's a perfect opportunity for me to
demonstrate
the good doggie bad doggie training system.
- We're in! - Wait, slow down.
What are we gonna do about the pillow
situation?
Watch, and be amazed.
Stella here is being a bad doggie.
Stella, let go. Bad dog, bad dog.
Bad dog. And what does a bad dog get?
A bad-doggie treat.
Wait a minute.
You give her a treat for doing something
bad?
Ah, a bad-doggie treat.
When she is good, she gets the good-doggie
treat.
Brilliant! We're going to be rich!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is the difference between a bad-doggie
treat
and the good-doggie treat?
Bacon. The bad-doggie treat is very bland.
But she seems like she likes it.
Wait till you see the good-doggie treat.
Stella, sit.
Now a good-doggie treat.
Okay, uh, she's still full from the
bad-doggie treat.
But there you have it --
the good doggie bad doggie training system.
Welcome to the ground floor.
Actually, she's peeing on the ground floor.
Quick, quick, give her a bad-doggie treat!
Hello?
Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time?
No, I'm just in the car.
Okay, I'm having a moral dilemma.
We have tickets for lady gaga tonight, but
Cam's sick.
I'll take them.
Wait, you don't even like concerts.
Yes, I do. I'm fun now.
Claire, they said we have to be at least
13
to ride the fast ones.
They're 13. It's fine.
This is very confusing.
At movie theaters, she says I'm 11.
- Can we get back to me? - What?
Does it make me a horrible person
that I kind of want to go without him?
Well, how sick is he?
I don't know. He's sick.
You know, they're not gonna make a lifetime
movie about him.
Well, what's he like when you're sick?
Cam, I think I can walk to the kitchen.
He's okay.
You should go.
You know what I learned today?
You can't wait around
for somebody to give you something you
want.
Sometimes you just have to take it.
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Oh, I'm gonna feel so guilty, though.
You'll resent him if you stay.
So, how about this -- you stay home
and take care of him -- soup, foot rubs,
- you blow his nose. - Ew.
He's so lucky to have you.
And then tonight, right before the concert,
you say,
"Cam, I love you, but I really want to go."
He'll say fine.
You drop Lily off at our house, and it's
great.
Drivers, start your engines.
I'm putting you on speaker.
What are you doing?
Making my kids love me!
Drivers, ready. Three, two, one!
You're going down, Delgado!
Like this!
We're finished cleaning the bathroom.
We're leaving.
See? That didn't take too long.
Thank you, girls.
Now, go and have a good time, all right?
Bye.
See? You don't need all the conflict.
Note to Claire -- if you want intense family
drama,
rent "Spy kids."
They save their parents' lives.
You think they would've done that
if they got yelled at all the time?
Sweet and sour chicken!
Girls!
Get back h-- got to fix that step.
Girls!
Did he just yell?
- Drive! - I'm trying!
You girls get back here right now!
Pretend you don't hear him.
I know you can hear me!
Oh, my god, he's heading straight for the
car!
Oh, my god! Aah!
Stop this car!
- We're sorry, dad! - We couldn't hear you!

No more lies!
You poked the bear, girls!
You poked him!
In closing, the only real question is,
after you invest in good doggie bad doggie,
How will we spend all our money?
In handbags!
No, vacation!
I know! A home gym!
All right, Guillermo, your ambition is
infectious.
Clearly my wife needs to be inoculated.
But I'm gonna be blunt.
- Ay, no, no, you're not going to - Yes,
I am.
Now, you wanted my honest business advice,
right?
- Very much. - Here it is.
Your idea is not good.
No, what Jay means is that when --
No, what I mean is it stinks.
Now, that's nothing against you.
You've got charm,
you've got ambition, and that's great.
What you need is a better idea.
But I don't have a better idea.
Any idea would be a better idea.
Your honesty is refreshing.
Gracias.
Ay, you made him cry.
He's not crying.
You're not crying, are you?
No.
A little.
It's just five years of my life are for
nothing.
Five? Five years?
Ay, Guillermo, I'm sorry.
Why don't you stay for lunch?
And -- and we can all brainstorm your next
idea.
Really? Thank you, Gloria.
I go put Stella in the car.
I don't want her ruining any more of your
beautiful things.
Gracias.
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Bad dog.
Why were you so tough with him?
He's very sensitive.
Did you think that was a good idea?
Of course not!
But I'm nice, and I put on the sugar jacket.
Sugar coating is not gonna help him.
He needed to hear what I said to him,
Even if it hurt a little bit.
He's gonna thank me one day.
Ay! Guillermo! Now I have to apologize.
Accepted.
Not to you!
What are you gonna get, Luke?
- I want a cheeseburger. - Yeah!
And I can't decide between french fries or
onion rings.
Get them both!
How about you, Manny?
Um, do you have a skinless grilled chicken
breast?
What, are you going to the ball,
cinderella?
Live a little.
I know Claire was trying to be fun,
but that crossed the line.
Anything else? Who wants a milkshake?
Milkshake? Milkshake? Three milkshakes.
I didn't really want a milkshake.
But after what she said to Manny,
I didn't want to risk it.
Mom, I don't feel good.
Did you finish your milkshake?
I think that was the problem.
Look who's a doctor now.
Maybe it was the pie.
Oh, he's fine. Hey.
Hey, who likes roller coasters?
I need a bag.
No. No, you're not gonna be sick, Luke.
We're having fun.
Okay.
No, I really need a bag.
Take the lid off the cup.
I'm starving.
Me too. Say something.

Um, dad? We haven't had lunch yet.
Neither have half the kids in Africa.
Stop yapping and get back to work.
Why is he taping our laptops shut?
Because he's out of his mind.
I'm not out of my mind!
You took advantage,and you lost your
computer privileges.
Oh, come on, dad. We said we're sorry.
Plus I can't get the stupid drain unclogged,
anyway.
Stick that hanger down there.
Ew, no!
Well, it's either that or we cut off all
your hair,
'cause that's what caused the problem --
thoughts?
Good, because after you finish this room,
you're gonna clean my bathroom, too,
and you know how gross I can be.
Dad! No!
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh!
- Ew! Gross! - All right.
Aah! Settle down. It's hair.
Oh, my god.
I'm not cut out for this.
I spent all day nursing Cam.
Ohh. Hey, could you do the right one now?
You mean the one we started with? Sure.
I made soup. I made tea.
Finally, it was the moment of truth.
Cam, you know, I was thinking that...
Cam, you can say no,
but I was thinking about maybe going to that
concert.
Thank you. You're the best. I love you.
Hey, you're back. What happened with your
friend?
He's fine. You were right.
He did appreciate your honesty.
How about that?
He's gonna make big changes to his life.
Good.
He's going back to school.
That means he has to go back to live with
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his sister,
so that means that he had to get rid of the
dog.
But he's so much more realistic now.
See that? Mm.
And there's a lesson in there for you, too,
'cause sometimes things go better when you
just say no.
No, no, no. What did you do?
Ay! He was going to take her to the pound.
But that's his business.
- Ay, but look at her little face! - No.
You don't even want a dog.
I know. I have a problem.
Oh, crap, that's Manny.
If he sees the dog, it's all over.
I go lock the door.
Oh, and that's the solution?
Manny sleeps in the backyard till the dog
dies of old age?
Hey, guys. I'm home.
Boy, I think Claire's working through some
stuff, because --
Oh, my gosh!
You got me a dog because of my perfect
report card?
Gloria?
Sorry, papi, no.
The dog lives somewhere else,
which is where she's going right now.
- Text me the address. - Okay.
Can I at least take a moment with her to
tell her goodbye?
Tell her goodbye? You just met her.
I'm so sorry.
Luke, honey, come back. I said I was sorry.
I'm 12. I need limits!
What happened?
Oh, I made them drive too fast
and eat like vikings,
and then Luke threw up all over the car.
I got to go clean that up.
No, you don't. Girls!
Grab your buckets and meet me by the car!
They don't have to do that.
They do if I say so.

I'm sorry.
I swear I just told you to grab your
buckets!
We haven't eaten all day.
We're hungry.
Well, you won't be in a minute.
Honey, you haven't fed them all day?
They're monsters, Claire --
Deceitful, manipulative monsters --
and they need to be broken.
He's crazy!
You know what?! Mom's the crazy one!
She ran over my hand.
We were having fun!
Girls, go to the kitchen.
Get something to eat.
Phil, honey, this isn't working.
Listen to me,you are not a good bad cop,
and I am a very bad good cop.
We need things to go back to the way they
were.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I feel really shaky.
I don't like being you.
Nobody does.
Going somewhere?
Cam! You're up.
Didn't count on that, did you?
Are you dropping lily off at your sister's,
or is she taking my ticket?
Okay, first of all, how are you standing?
You drank enough of that cough syrup
to put down a grizzly.
I'll tell you what's grisly.
That is your behavior.
Well, it's just a good thing I'm finding
out now,
instead of when I'm old and sick and really
need you.
Better start saving for some sort of
home-healthcare plan,
'cause I'd hate for my broken hip and
subsequent pneumonia
to interfere with your evening plans.
Okay, Cam, no, you're right.
You're right.
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I have no defense. I am terrible.
And the thing is,I knew I was terrible,
and I was going anyway.
I think maybe I tried to justify it
by saying we're two different people.
And you're more of a caregiver,
and I have...other strengths.
And that's what makes us such a good couple,
you know?
But...No, no.
It's a cop-out.
And I've been very selfish,
and I need to do better, and I will.
I swear on Lily's...
...diaper bag.
Ah, no place to go but up, huh?
Don't look at me like that.
We all got problems.
This ain't gonna work, sweetie.
That look ain't gonna work on me. Come on.
Come on. Let's go.
I know it's old-fashioned, but I like a
strong man,
a man that can say no when I can't.
Not a word.
But instead, I have Jay.
I'm strong. But look at this face.
Maybe we are the way we are
because of the people we're with.
Or maybe we just pick the people we need.
However it works, when you find each other,
you should never let go.
Do you two need some time alone?
I must've dozed off.
Yeah, you were out for quite a while.
What have you been up to?
I've just been sitting here, watching you.
Well I'm gonna go to bed.
Okay.
Thanks for staying home with me.
Well, you know,
in sickness and in health, right?
You're still blinking, sweetie.
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
Well, this is-- this is funny.
I'm gonna tell you the funny thing
 Modern.Family.S02E22
about why this is, um-- this is on.

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-【342】-
 Modern.Family.S02E23
I'm supposed to go to vegas with my buds,
Modern.Family.S02E23 So...I need her to melt down today.
And now, please welcome your Otherwise, what happens in Vegas won't
valedictorian, happen to me,
Alex Dunphy. because I won't be there.
Where are my mom and dad? Emotional day, huh?
and in this corner, Happy day.
finishing first in her class, Happy and sad.
delivering the commencement address, "Guys, I can't go to Vegas
weighing in at -- what do you weigh, honey? because my wife's freaking out!"
Dad! Trust me, that is not a phone call you want
A healthy amount for a girl her age. to make
are you getting all this, buddy? to a bunch of ex-college male cheerleaders.
Pure gold. They will mock you with a hurtful, rhythmic
She's the main brain, taunt.
the cerebellum of the ball, Alex Dunphy!! Hello?
Oh, keep rolling, The News will want this Gloria, it's me.
footage Ay! How was the doctor?
when I eventually snap. Can you pick up some bread on the way home,
I thought Sanjay Patel was first in the please?
class. I'm home. My damn gate remote won't work.
He was until he missed a few weeks Could you press...
and the robot he was building attacked him. - Hello? - ...9?
It's happening, people. - Manny, it's okay. - What's okay?
Our hubris will be our undoing. What's wrong?
Sweetie, what do you say you and I - Where are you calling from? - I'm not
go and get our nails done, huh? calling from.
It's okay. I want to work on my speech. Jay is calling.
Been there. What's wrong with Jay?
I remember the speech that won me treasurer My clicker won't work.
of my high-school spanish club. Oh, my god
"Mi nombre es Felipe. your heart's not working?!
Yo voy a la escuela..." How could you tell us this over the phone?!
Felipe. My heart is fine.
It was kind of a grande deal. Would somebody please press 9 and let me
I was up against an actual puerto rican. in?
Honey, are you sure? - Okay .-Got it.
Because I think they can do school colors. It won't work if you're both on the line.
- I'm good, mom. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay.
Family milestones always throw Claire for Every damn time!
a loop. Okay, Lily, time to get dressed. Okay.
She holds it in, I can't believe Alex is gonna be in high
and then the next day, she has a total school.
meltdown, I feel so old!
and I have to pick up the pieces. Oh, well, you feel old.
Problem is, tomorrow, I was there when she was born --

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【343】-

in the delivery room.
If I wasn't gay before, I --
Oh, please, you wouldn't have lasted two
minutes on a farm.
I've witnessed all kinds of birthing --
never batted an eye.
I've seen cattle, I've seen hogs,
I've seen goats --
I've even seen a three-legged --
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
- I'm sorry. - Really, mitchell?
I could have just died.
Principal Kaizler, faculty, parents,
fellow graduates, it's --
Hey, superstar.
Oh, you're working on your speech.
Yep.
Well, do you need any help?
Because sometimes it's great
to bounce ideas off someone whose opinion
you value.
I'm good.
Okay. That's cool.
We could do your hair.
We could do it like we saw in that magazine.
Oh, what's that actress -- what's her name?
--
With the -- you know, with the teeth?
Mom, mom, please.
- I'm -- I'm trying to concentrate. - Okay.
Okay.
Well, you be ready to go in a half-hour,
because we are going to carpool with your
grandpa.
Haley's driving me.
I want to get there early.
That's a great idea.
Great. I will see you there...
Superstar.
Hey, mama bear. You okay?
Not with "Mama bear" I'm not.
- Don't cry. - I'm not crying.
Shh! Don't be brave.
I'm here for you.
Until 2 p.m. Tomorrow, when my flight
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-【344】-
Modern.Family.S02E23
leaves for vegas.
Where were you? Did you bring the bread?
I was stuck outside that gate
for 10 minutes before it opened.
So no bread?
We got to get that thing fixed. Ay!
What happened to your eye?
What are you talking about?
It's droopy.
What do you mean, "Droopy"?
Aah. I don't like the look of that, Jay.
Here, let me check something.
Put that thing away. I saw my
dermatologist.
He was checking for moles or something.
He probably got some numbing cream on it.
It's fine!
Nothing to worry about.
I got botox.
Stupid doctor talked me into it,
And now it's drifting.
I haven't felt this dumb since
I shelled out 30 bucks for that bracelet
that's supposed to give me better balance.
- Try to push my arm down. - Okay.
Go ahead. You can't do it. You can't do it.
- Okay. All right. I can't -- - Honey, I'm
home.
Hey, uh, why is your dad's car here?
"It's ironic that I stand up here
representing my classmates when,
for the past three years,
most of them have treated me like I'm
invisible.
It's my own fault.
I was obsessed with good grades
instead of looks, popularity, and skinny
jeans."
What?! Is that your speech?!
Get out of here!
You cannot say that!
Yes, I can! And you want to know why?
'cause it's the truth.
No one wants to hear the truth.
It's very simple, Alex.
In order to give a good speech,

all you have to do is take a song and say
it,
like... "Don't stop believin'"
or "Get this party started."
That means nothing.
Who cares?
Nobody wants to think.
It's a graduation,
a celebration of being done with thinking.
People want to be challenged.
They're gonna respect me for it.
No one's ever gonna talk to you again.
So what?
Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike
for what he believed in.
That's 'cause no one would eat with him in
the cafeteria!
- Hey, guys! - We're here.
Come on over. Have some lemonade and
cookies.
Jay, that's not looking very good.
It's fine.
Quick! Who's the president?
- Obama! - Phil, please.
I'm trying to rule out a stroke.
It's not a stroke.
Why does everybody always assume I'm having
a stroke?
- Age. - Diet.
You forgot to bring my bread.
I'm sorry we're late.
That's okay. We got to leave in about 5
minutes, though.
Luke, stop pushing that ball around!
You're gonna fall in.
Oh, yes, and then your uncle Mitchell
will laugh at your expense!
I'm just saying it's a character flaw.
Okay, okay, quick poll here.
This morning, Cam, fully dressed...
Thank god it's one of those stories.
...while in the middle of a very serious
thought,
fell into a ducky pool.
Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?
Yes, I am. Thank you.
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-【345】-
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That is a normal reaction -- love and
concern.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
The pool popped.
Ay! Poor thing!
- There is nothing worse than a tailbone
injury. - I know.
Seriously? No, no, no, no.
You're so full of it.
You know this is funny.
Picture this
falling into a tiny pool.
He'll be here all week, folks!
Literally, because you're not coming home
with me.
There she is. There's my little Stella.
That's my girl.
Hi, sweetie.
You're so cute,
I just wan eat your face!
You remember when you used to hold alex like
that,
and you wanted to eat her face?
Yeah.
Now she's off to high school. Mm.
Time marches on, huh?
Yep.
You know what's really sad?
What?
The end of "Titanic."
Hey, Luke.
Do you realize, in two years,
you and I will be graduating?
Not now.
I think I'm moving the ball with my mind.
Well, I'll be graduating.
You guys, stop congratulating yourselves
for being so compassionate.
If you had been there,
you would have laughed just as hard as I
did.
He's coming.
Stop talking.
He's been embaassed enough today.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Wow. Now it makes sense.
 Modern.Family.S02E23
It's a Pritchett thing. Of course he didn't.
Cruelty's genetic. Did you?
Suddenly it's all very clear. No.
Be careful. You might run into it. You did!
I'm sorry. What were you thinking? You're a veteran.
I'm sorry, Cam. I'm sorry. Enough! This conversation is ended. Let's
oh, my god, dad, your face! go.
What? Oh, that's nothing, nothing. Do you think he got his butt done, too?
It's boring. I went to the dermatologist. It looks fantastic.
It's a boring story. I'm fine. Alex, wait. I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, we got to get you to a hospital. If you want to give your speech, go ahead.
- I'm fine. I was never valedictorian. What do I know?
Yes, I'm taking you. Come. Thank you!
Gloria, no, wait. I am doing this for a reason.
Wait right here! Gloria? It's not just like I'm --
Gloria?! Aha! Sorry, Alex, but you will thank me one
Gloria? day!
Gloria, hold on. Please. You really think I don't have
The reason my face looks like this is duplicates?
because I had... If you do this, you'll be a social piranha.
Botox. Yes, I'll be an amazonian carnivorous fish.
Like the ladies use for their wrinkles? Carniv-- what?!
Well, actually, nearly 10% of their sales Dad, open the gate.
are men, Oh, geez, not now!
But that's not important. What? What's happening?
I had a bad reaction. It's stuck again.
Hit a nerve or something. What do you mean, it's stuck?
It's gonna go away soon. Can't you get it open?
What? What's that supposed to mean? What do you think "stuck" Means, Claire?
Nothing. We have to do something, dad.
Would you stop? Can't you -- can't you push it open or
This is very embarrassing for me. something?
For both of us. I don't know!
He's fine. It was a false alarm. We are trapped in your driveway,
What do you mean, a false alarm? and you don't know?
His face looks like a candle. As a gate owner, dad,
You heard her. I'm okay. you have a certain responsibility.
She's not a doctor. See, my daughter is gonna get up on that
Neither are you. stage
Technically. and give a speech
Okay, look, I don't know what's going on and graduate from middle school,
her and if I am not there, dad, I am going to
But there is no way that this is normal. freak out!
You look like a botox job gone horribly I am going to freak out!
wrong. - Maybe push it.- Do you understand what
No...my...God. You didn't. I am saying?

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-【346】-

Do you have any idea how important...
- Why are you smiling? - I'm not -- I'm not
smiling.
Hysterical wife.
Hysterical wife.
Hysterical wife.
Jackpot.
Come on.
All right. Okay, we have tried this way.
I say we ram the gate. Kids, get out of the
way.
Hold on! I think I can fix this!
I just need a paper clip, some olive oil,
and a ribbon.
What's the plan, "Macgayver"?
Actually, the paper clip
is to connect these two circuits,
and the olive oil is to lubricate the
mechanism.
And the hair ribbon is for Lily.
Her hair's been driving me crazy all day.
Why don't we just call some cabs?
Because, Mitchell, this is not Times
Square,
and they'll take forever.
Well, then we'll just climb over the fence
and start running.
No, we won't, because it's 5 miles away,
Phil!
And I'm in big shoes, so, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I save the day.
Let's take this crazy bicycle,
we throw it over the gate,
Then we take Phil and we take Claire,
and then we throw them over the gate, too.
All right, what the hell is that?
Jay bought it.
He thought we were gonna use it all the
time,
But I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.
Champagne problems, right?
Honey, they're not gonna ride the bike.
Yeah, but I still think that we should throw
it over the gate.
Okay, you know what?
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Thank you. Thank you.
Nobody else has come up with an idea.
I think I've got a good idea.
We don't have time to build a rocket, buddy.
Never mind.
Okay. So...
Phil and I will go over first,
And then you guys will throw over the bike?
Okay, step up. I'll boost you.
Couldn't we get a ladder?
Please, on cheer squad I boosted girls
bigger than you
to the top of a human pyramid.
Now, arms at your side.
Straight like a pencil.
One, two...
We are bulldogs!
She's fine.
Okay. Jay, now you do me.
Just grab a handful. Don't be shy.
I'm not giving you as much to work with.
I used to have a lot more there. I lost it.
They used to call me "The grand can."
"It's ironic that I stand up here
Representing my classmates when, for the
past..."
I read the rest of your speech.
Congratulations.
Do you hate me?
What?!
You talk about how all the popular kids are
shallow and lame.
I didn't mean you.
You think you have everyone figured out,
but everybody has their stuff.
What "Stuff" do you have?
Too many boys chasing after you? Too many
parties?
You really want to know what "stuff" I have?
Yeah.
I'm flunking out of biology.
And now I have to go to summer school.
My friends -- all they can ever talk about
nowadays
is going off to college,
and I don't even know if I can get into
 Modern.Family.S02E23
college. Not me.
Is that enough "Stuff" For you? I feel real good about it.
Whatever. Now many times do I have to tell you
You know what? that you don't have to look young for me?
Fine. Give your stupid speech. I didn't do it for you.
Be an outcast. What is her name?!
But you're only doing it to yourself Stop.
because you're smart and pretty Most of the time, I walk around,
and sort of funny in a way that I don't and in my head, I'm 40.
really get Then I look in the mirror,
but other people seem to enjoy, I say, "Who's that old man?
So, you can either start fresh next year And what's he doing in my bathroom?"
or be the freak who flipped off her class. Well, it's my bathroom, too.
You really think I'm pretty? And I like when the old guy is there.
Shut up! This is the face that I fell in love with.
Phil, go straight! Not this face --
This way's faster! This one.
No, straight! The gate's opening! The gate's opening!
Stop leaning! - How did you do that? - I didn't do
- Do you want to drive?! - I do. anything.
Tough, I called it! I did it.
D'oh. I opened it with my mind.
What was that?! Come on, guys!
Oh, crap. The chain broke! - Let's go, guys! - Yeah, let's go.
Just keep pedaling. It doesn't matter. - Manny! - Get manny.
It matters a little! Everyone in the car. Let's go!
Cam, please be careful. Yep. That's what I thought. Chain's broken.
Why? What do you think?
If I get electrocuted, my hat might blow I think we gotta go.
right off. Sweetie, we-- we can't make it on foot.
That would be funny. It's that, all right? We have to try.
No, no. Honey.
Hey, Jay! Honey!
I know you're feeling self-conscious, It's okay.
so I dug out something I thought might help. It's not okay, phil!
Put that thing away. It's not okay. We're losing her.
I knew you'd say that, but hear me out. - Alex? - Yes.
This was designed to make You're not losing her.
A hideously disfigured man look supercool. We are. She's going to high school.
It's perfect for you. This is just when I lost Haley.
Oh, yikes. Okay. This is when Haley went from being my sweet
I'll go upstairs and see if I hava lefty. little angel
Don't look at me like that. to being a moody,
I have to say that I am a little texting, snotty little princess
disappointed who hates me.
in you doing this thing. Haley doesn't hate you.

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 Modern.Family.S02E23
And we're not losing her. means "Beginning."
Do you remember when you used to come home I'm sorry I laughed.
from work I don't need an apology,
and Haley would meet you at the door But I will say your behavior today
in her little "Aladdin" Pajamas? has been very eye-opening.
And, you know, she'd stick her arms up in No offense, Ja
the air None taken. You look like an iceberg.
And say, "Daddy, daddy, take me on a magic Okay.
carpet ride." This is...right here.
Remember that? Okay. Let's go.
When was the last time Haley was that Muchas gracias, muchachos!
excited to see you? You're quite welcome!
I don't remember. It's been so long. And now, please welcome your
We're losing another one. valedictorian,
And that's what kids do -- they leave. Alex Dunphy.
They leave, and they -- and they don't come Where's my mom and dad?
back. Thank you.
Well, ours will come back, right? Mm -- there they are!
What if they don't,and -- Come on, Phil!
and, pretty soon, it's just the two of us? Principal Kaizler...
I don't want to go to Vegas anymore. - Hold on, Phil! ... - faculty...
I know. - Oh, sweet cream! I'm sliding! - Oh, my
I just want to hug them god, phil!
and embarrass them in front of their ...school-board administrators... - I got
friends. you. Get up. Get up.
I know. - I got you. ... - fellow graduates...
And Alex -- my god. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
If we miss this speech -- ...parents, and everyone
Honey, she's a middle child -- who helped us through these challenging
She will never forgive us. formative years,
We're not missing that speech! Cam! You have lost all credibility.
Hello! Hello! - This is completely different. - How?
What's the plan, Phil? It's the juxtaposition of absurdist comedy
Mi nombre es Felipe. against the backdrop of a formal setting...
Yo voy... Not a big-boned man falling into a pool.
a la escuela. - Really? - Shh! This is about alex.
You need a ride to the school. It's ironic that I stand up here
Yes, please! representing my classmates
Felipe? when...
Okay. ...they're so...
V anos,muchachos! awesome...
I am so proud to be standing They should be up here themselves.
in front of this extraordinary group of But I'm up here, and...
youngsters. I'm sayin'...
I'm sorry -- or should I say "Oldsters"? stuff,
But seriously, the word "Commencement" 'cause everybody's got their...

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 Modern.Family.S02E23
stuff, gonna regret this.
whether you're popular I could use some shrimp.
or a drama geek... I'm not hu-- I'm not hungry.
or a cheerleader... I'm not hungry anymore.
or even a nerd like me. Sure you are. Sure you are.
We all have our insecurities. I'm not -- no, I'm not.
Yes, we do.
We're all just trying to figure out who we
are.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
...Don't stop...believin'...
...Get this party started.
That's so cute.
Seriously?
There she is.
That girl.
Your speech moved me.
I loved how you play with the song titles.
Fantastic.
My idea.
You did good, kid.
Thanks, grandpa. Aah!
Don't ask. He'll be fine.
Yes. We are so proud of you.
Come here.
Hello.
I opened a gate with my mind.
What do you say we all go get something to
eat?
Let's do it. Yeah.
A-actually, I was kind of just invited to
a party.
Would it be okay if I go?
Yeah. Of course.
- Yeah. - Yay!
See you, kid. Have fun.
Thanks for coming, you guys!
Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!
Congratulations!
I'm kind of hungry, mom.
Oh, my god. She's back.
- My baby. - What?
- My baby. - Oh, my god.
- My little baby. - What are you doing?
Let's go. Let's go eat.
- I'm not hungry amore. - Oh, you're not

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Modern.Family.S02E24
Hey, mom...
Listen to this card dad got for grandpa Jay.
"Hip-hip-hip-hooray!",
"Save the extra hip.
You'll need it someday."
'Cause he's old!
You're not giving him that.
- If he drinks his other gift first? -Nope.
Ladies...
Do you remember exactly one year ago today
when you did not have a gift for your
grandfather
and it killed him just a little?
So I suggested you start interviewing
all the members of the family for a video
tribute?
Well, check it and burn -- we totally did
that.
Almost.
We just need to finish the editing.
And you should talk.
You haven't even started on your gift yet.
That's because I changed mine.
I thought of a better idea yesterday.
I think I came up with a better idea.
Okay. My dad has a picture
of me and Mitchell when we were kids,
standing in our old backyard.
We're gonna re-create the picture.
I did the same thing last year for my
parents for Christmas,
and it went over like gangbusters.
- Mm. Funny. - Do you remember?
Oh, I do. I do.
I do.
Come on, girls, TV off.
It's your grandfather's birthday.
We got to start taking this seriously.
Permission to come aboard.
My best birthday memory--
I'm a teenager, and for some reason,
I drag this boat out on the lake.
and for hours, I'm just lying there,
fishing,
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Modern.Family.S02E24
alone with my thoughts.
Fantastic.
That's all I want this year.
So that's really going to be your day?
You're going fishing?
With time out for a gourmet lunch.
Sausage of the month club really nailed it
in may.
But, honey, no offense.
They almost lost me last month
with that chorizo.
Why "no offense"?
It's a sausage. It's not on our flag.
Lily, what are you doing here?
Surprise!
We were just on our way to get Jay's cake
and thought we'd pop by.
Lily was driving me crazy all morning.
I had to get rid of her.
She refuses to get dressed.
Well, did you try bribing her?
Oh, no.
Of -- of course I did!
I cannot go back in there, Mitchell.
Why did we ever decide to have a kid?!
I don't know.
I don't know!
Oh, come on!
She loves you so much.
Just this morning, she was looking at a
picture of you,
and I swear she was trying to say your name.
Really?
Ay, I would love to spend more time with
her,
bt I have to go to the mall to get Jay's
gift for his birthday.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Gloria's busy.
No, don't cry.
We should go.
Oh, maybe I can take her wi--
Okay. Bag's packed. Have fun.
Bye, sweetie.
- Hey, Cam. - Oh, hey, Manny.
Mom, is Jay still here?
- No, he just left. - Shoot.

Why? What's up, pal?
I'm going over to a friend's house
Where I may have to use this thing.
I only used it once,
and that was to take a torte out of the oven.
Okay, well, first, let's loosen this thing
up.
- So what's her name? - How'd you know?
Well, you're pretending to be something
you're not.
Boys do that for girls... or really dreamy
boys.
Her name's Tara. We have great chats
online.
She's really smart and funny,
but she's on the softball team.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't we go outside and toss the ball
around?
Okay.
And you know what? I wouldn't worry too
much.
She's gonna like you even if sports aren't
your thing.
Aren't my thing?
I have a tennis racket upstairs
I only use as a bubble-bath frother.
How do you put this on?
- Excuse me, Miss. - Sorry.
You answered to "Miss"!
Aha! Hilarious.
Glen Whipple, my college rival --
Captain of Cheer Squad.
Won every robot battle.
Every second I spent with the guy
just made me feel worse about myself.
The only thing I could compete with him in
was close-up magic.
Well, it's great to see you.
Great to see you, too.
And I believe this is yours.
What? When?
Hey, you headed over to the card shop?
I was in there earlier.
I got myself one of those musical cards.
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Modern.Family.S02E24
Oh. They're a little more expensive, but
I can swing it.
Oh. Well, great to see you. Yeah.
By the way, don't leave without this
quarter
from behind your -- come on, Phil!
Good luck, Dunphy.
I'm off to get some new cross-trainers.
I blow through them pretty fast
with all this power-walking I'm into.
Catch you later.
Phil?
What are you two doing here?
Shopping for tonight.
Oh, well, I'll walk with you.
- Where were you heading? - The card store.
What a beautiful child!
You and your wife must be so happy.
I didn't think anything of it...
until other people started making the same
mistake.
It reminded me of a college job I had
parking cars.
One day, I had to park an Aston Martin.
I'll never forget the looks I got
driving that baby down the block.
I wasn't gonna dent this one.
Hey, uh, w-what would you think
about swinging by the shoe store?
Okay, let's go.
I still can't believe all the looks we got
driving over here.
And yet you wore the hat the whole time.
Don't you think we should
park on the next block over?
'cause this is all permit parking.
No, We used to live here. It's fine.
Yeah, still. I...
I don't think anybody's home.
Here. Hang on to this.
What -- wait, where are you going?
The backyard. We'll take this picture
really quickly,
and then we'll just get out of here.
No, let's just -- let's just wait for them
to come home.

Okay, that -- that's trespassing!
No, it's not. We used to live here.
I don't think that does what you think it
does.
Of course you would baby out,
because this is just like pool-hopping all
over again.
I just -- I don't see what was fun about
that.
It made going in grandma's pool less
special.
Why don't you try being a little less
special?
Is it far?
Hello.
Hi, it's Sandra from the dog groomer.
I'm trying to reach Gloria.
Stella's ready.
Oh, I must have her phone.
She probably grabbed mine again.
Listen, this is her husband.
You have my number right there, probably.
- Give that a call. - Okay, thanks.
Yeah, it's me again. I'll be right there.
Yeah I did blame her for no reason.
You have a little bit of an attitude. You
know that?
You know who did your job in my day?
A hose.
Okay, a little to your left, a little to
your left.
Yes, okay. Right there. That's it. That's
it.
Perfect. Okay.
And now I must run.
Here, okay. Fast.
Here we go.
It's weird being back here, isn't it?
I know. Everything looks exactly the same.
Well, you know, except for the fence.
Yeah, what's with that?
- Who are they trying to keep out, anyway?
- I know.
Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Oh, God. - Oh, wow. Oh, my God.
No, it's okay. He might be friendly.
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-【353】-
Modern.Family.S02E24
- He looks nice. - He looks nice.
Hi.
No! Oh, god! He's -- quickly, quickly.
Not nice. So not nice.
Hurry! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Oh! Oh! Oh, go oh, god!
Now what do we do?
Well, you could try telling him we used to
live here.
They are not coming home.
We need to call someone.
Use your phone.
Mine's down there getting rabies on it.
No, I left mine in your car.
- What? - I didn't want to ruin the line
of my pants.
Oh, God.
Oh, look. Somebody's coming.
No. Okay, that is what happens
when you park without a permit.
Stop! That's ours!
We're up here! Stop!
He ignored me.
He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in
a tree?
Give me your shoe.
What, you think that wolf down there
is gonna be afraid of a shoe?
No. No, I don't.
Wh-- what are you doing with dad's wine?
Getting comfortable.
We could be here for a really long time.
Whoa! Where'd you learn how to do that?
Where'd you get a sailor suit on short
notice?
- Fair enough. - Mm-hmm.
Ew. It's Merlot.
Hello.
Manny!
Hey, how'd it go with Tara?
It's still going on.
The catch part went fine... mostly.
I took a running dive into the dirt.
Oh, well, did you at least catch the ball?
I was trying to throw the ball!
I'm in her bathroom looking for band-aids.
 Modern.Family.S02E24
I'm trying to get up the nerve to tell her from what we all got.
how I feel. Okay, Haley, talk about grandpa.
Well, just be honest. Eww.
She intimidates me. I can't talk about grandpa dressed like
Every time I open my mouth, I say something this.
stupid. I love my --
I called her bedroom "fantazing." That stupid dog next door!
That's not even a word! Jay! Jay!
Are you okay in there, Manny? Jay!!
Yeah! I'm just water-washing my hands! ...Three, four, five.
Help me! Tell me what to say. Hey, uncle Mitch, what do you think -- -
Okay, how about this... One, two --
You are the prettiest, smartest, funniest - What are you doing? - N-nothing.
girl You didn't see this, and w-we don't tell
in the sixth grade. Cam.
I know you're only 11, Capisce?
but I can't stop thinking about you. It'lonly take one minute.
I've loved talking to you online. We don't have a minute.
I think we should become boyfriend and Who's Clive Bixby?
girlfriend. A friend of your mom's.
No, it's not what you think. Not now!
I'm talking to a little boy. Hey, uncle Cam, can you to talk about --
Oh. Jay. I know. No time.
Hello. I got a little girl's birthday party to
She's not with me, Cam. I got her phone. save.
Why are you crying? Let's get out. Go.
How do you get kicked out of a bakery? Oh, not now, honey.
Well, that'll do it. Your father's out back. Why don't you call
I sorry to ask you to get your own birthday him?
cake, Phil!
but I can't get ahold of any-- anyone else. Dad! Your kids need you!
Can't do it. I'm on my way to the lake... Grandpa is really cool.
Finally. He once let me drink some of his beer.
Just get something at the grocery store. for the love of --
I am not getting you a grocery-store cake. Root beer!
Gloria asked me to handle this. I could've sworn we had more!
She's gonna yell at me, Jay. Well, let me work my magic.
she can be mean in Spanish! It's all about creative editing.
Okay, fine. Let's wrap this up, princess. Just give me two hours
Okay. Love you. Bye. and another hour.
What are you guys doing? Somebody get me some chocolate milk
Just editing our birthday tribute to with extra salt.
grandpa. Do you remember the time you quit cub scouts
You know, some of the interviews I did and dad got mad at you so you ran away up
didn't turn out so well. here?
That's okay. We'll just use the best stuff Right. And you brought me my dinner up

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 Modern.Family.S02E24
here... - Bless you. - Thank you.
- ...and my comic books. - Yep. It's a little too tight, no?
I think mom and dad would have been a lot - What do you think of the tush? - Oh, I
more scared think it's great.
if you hadn't been running into the house Why don't you keep it right there for a
to use the bathroom. second.
I can't go outside. Let's make sure.
Great, now I'm thinking about it. Yeah, but it's a little see-through.
Mitchell... Maybe if I put this underneath, then it
it's ironic. won't, like, show.
We always wanted a dog in this backyard, No, no, no, no, no. It looks good that way.
and we could never have one. - I go try something else better. - No,
Y-- Manny got one. wait!
Mm. Manny gets everything. Wait!
Yeah. Oh, don't think about it. Just get it.
Hey, you think Manny's gonna get a third Hilarious, Whipple. I'm actually here with
of... someone.
A third of what? And you finally did make something
You know. disappear.
Uh...I guess. - She was here a second ago. - Of course
Sure. I mean, that seems fair. she was.
Right? Does it? Just like the date you had on the
- Claire, does it? 'cause I just feel like final-night dance
-- - Okay? of junior tumbling congress.
You know what? I think we've probably had There was traffic.
enough of this. Sure.
Okay, wait. I think I found something
Do you think if we could get the dog to chase that is going to make my husband very happy.
this doll, What do you think?
then we could run down and grab the phone Oh, very happy, Gloria.
really quick? Very happy.
- We could do that! - Yeah. Okay, but don't go far away
We just are gonna have to throw it really, because I might need help with the zipper,
really far. okay?
Right. So... Sounds good... with the zipper.
That way. Mm-hmm. Wow. Phil.
Gloria, um, I'd still love to swing by that I mean, wow. That's your wife?
shoe store. It would appear so.
If you're in a hurry, go by yourself. Great to see you, Glen.
No. I'll wait. Whipple! You know, I got to say, I'm a little
Whipple! surprised.
Okay! Mm! Surprised...
What do you think? or mystified?
Oh, it's perfect. Uh, l-let's see the other Damn it. It went down your shirt.
side. You can...keep it.
Whipple! - I'll see ya. - No, no. I just always

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-【355】-
 Modern.Family.S02E24
assumed What the hell am I gonna to do till June?
you would marry Claire Pritchett. Let's see it.
You remember Claire? It's beautiful.
Are you kidding? She was gorgeous. We just need some candles.
God, I was so jealous of you back then. I must have in one of the drawers.
You were jealous of me? Okay.
Oh, man. Froot loop necklace...
Claire Pritchett with the blond hair Baby Jesus...
and those browes, great smile. Keys. Ay, I was looking for these keys.
Oh, I can picture her smiling right now. Baby Jesus...
I can't. B.B. Gun...
I wonder who landed her. More baby jesus...
Lucky son of a bitch. Ay, another baby --
Yeah. Jesus, Stella! Don't do that!
Phil, I need you! Gloria?
What now?! No, Jay! Don't come in here!
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. You cannot see the cake!
I'll be there in a second. It's the bad luck!
No! How?! I already saw the cake.
What the hell were you thinking? I bought it while I was busy not fishing.
I'll answer that for you. You weren't No. Go out to the bar. Go!
thinking. You never used to talk to me like that
You think that's funny, popeye? before we got that damn dog.
- No. - Popeye. Hey, Manny. I almost called you.
I should be fishing, How'd it go with Tara?
but I'm hauling my ass across town Okay, I guess.
trying to save you two from a little dog. I used every line you gave me, and she
At least we got to have a dog for a few totally ate it up.
minutes. Oh. Well, then, why just okay?
There we go. She wants to go on a date now...
You could show a little gratitude, you to the batting cage.
know. Not so good with a bat?
These pants are new. I am, as long as I'm using it to roll out
Climbing over that fence, I might have dough.
wrecked 'em. I'll bet you just need a little practice.
That's mature. You know, when I was your age,
- I'm sorry. - We're sorry. I'm so-- we're I couldn't hit a balloon with a bat.
sorry. Then my father took me out to the field,
I'm sorry you said "rectum." and a couple hours later,
I'm sorry, dad. I was knocking the hide off that ball.
- Um, we're so glad that you came and got It's one of the best days we ever had
us. - Thank you. together.
It was very smart the way that you Really?
distracted the dog. Yeah.
12 times a year, I get sausages. I just bet you need some time in a batting
That's it. cage.

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-【356】-

What are you doing this weekend?
- That'd be fun, huh? - That's a great idea!
I'll ask Jay. He loves stuff like this.
That'll be great for you guys.
Yeah.
And thanks for your help today, Cam.
You got it.
I don't think grandpa's having the best
time.
He keeps going and getting more drinks.
Well, not every time.
One time he went in to check on the women's
basketball score.
The sparks are up by 8, if anyone cares.
Okay, dad, we all owe you an apology.
We were so worried about giving you a great
night
that we ruined your day,
and I'm really sorry we didn't let you go
fishing.
- Sorry, dad. - Sorry, Jay.
Sorry. Sorry, grandpa. Sorry.
You know what? I'm acting like a jerk.
What am I, 12?
So I didn't get to go fishing. What, am I
gonna pout about it?
I still have my family, and you guys made
such a big fuss.
I love you all.
So let's go get some cake and presents.
Yes!
Cake and presents! Come on, everybody!
- Honey? - Yeah?
Have I told you how lucky I am to have you?
Gloria, excuse me.
'Cause I am.
Okay.
- Hap-- ? - No singing.
What the hell happened to the cake?
Nothing. It's beautiful.
Okay, let's open the presents.
Yes! Presents! Presents! Presents!
Presents!
- Who's first? - Mine first. Mine first.
And as you know, Claire and I--
we didn't quite finish ours,
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-【357】-
Modern.Family.S02E24
but we will be getting that to you.
Fine.
And our gift is a fuller version of that
and a card.
Wonderful.
And, of course, the cake is, uh, mine.
Fantastic.
And here we have a phone...
in the shape of a mouth.
Ah, you're welcome! Very sexy!
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me.
Let me work this out.
I mentioned a few times that I was thinking
of taking up the saxophone,
and you give me this.
I got it! Is this a sexy phone?!
Happy birthday!!
All right, what else we got?
Oh, uh...n-nothing.
Hmm. Maybe not a perfect showing
on behalf of the adults in the family,
but don't forget the kids still have their
big gift.
And it took us a year to make.
It's in the DVD player.
You've got to come watch it.
Okay.
I'm so excited! Let's go, jay!
I bring your sexy phone.
Oh, don't forget that.
Okay, and -- and, uh, we all participated,
so this is kind of from all of us.
Yeah. Hit the lights!
-Dad! -Jay!
Jay!!
-Grandpa... -We...
-Love... -Eww!
Capisce?
Well, who wants to see it again?
That's it? That's all you used?
I wasn't even in it!
That totally sucked.
You know what? Great party.
Thank you all for coming.
And I hope you forgive me -- I'm gonna go
upstairs,
 Modern.Family.S02E24
Curl up with a Ludlum, and call it a day. I was king of the world.
Hello. Well, now you're dork of the night.
Manny? Honey...
Where are you? Have I told you how lucky I am?
What are you doing out there? You mean since dinner?
What the hell? I can't help it --
I dragged it back here this afternoon. Your beautiful eyes, your silky hair.
I know it's not the lake, Promise me you'll never...
but maybe we could pop open a few drinks change.
and hang out on the water? I have to admit, that's kind of hot.
Now, the old Jay would have said, Maybe I will go change.
"I wanted to be on a lake with a fishing I still got it.
rod and sunshine, Knock it off!
not bobbing around at night in a swimming
pool."
I miss the old Jay.
This is the life, huh?
It ain't half bad.
Ay, I want to get in the boat!
- Captain? - All right.
Me too! I want to get in!
Come on, let's get in.
So, how was your day with Claire?
You know, it was actually -- it was really
great.
I don't -- I don't always think about it,
but I-I was really lucky to have her to grow
up with.
You know, I cannot imagine
dealing with my crazy parents alone.
Yeah.
Cam?
Hmm?
I -- I want to have another baby.
What would you think about a boy this time?
All right, easy.
- Easy! Easy! You're rocking the boat! -
No, no, no!
I got Claire! I got Claire!
All right, ahoy!
So, if we all just, uh...
Ok. Everybody upstairs.
And, Luke, I want you to get in a hot bath
right away.
I'm still shivering.
That's why you don't stand up in a boat.

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-【358】-
 Modern.Family.S03E01
But something is taking this one skittish.
Modern.Family.S03E01 Look at the mountains.
We're beginning our initial descent to They're amazing.
Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I've never been this far from home before
Thank you for flying united. now I've never been this far.
Reckon we'll be landing soon. now I've never been this far.
Phil, honey, you promised not till we got Where's a cliff when you need one?
there. Look, kids! A real life cowboy.
Okay. Oh. Come see. Come see.
This year we're going to a Dude Ranch. What's he doing?
With the whole family. Oh, my.
Mm-hmm the family. My name is Hank.
What if Dylan buys his own ticket? Here at the Lost Creek Ranch,
We'll sleeping in seperate cabins. you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope and
What if Dylan and I share a horse? you're gonna shoot.
Mm, I hate landing. You gonna see a sky so full of stars,
We'll get through this. It'll put your city lights to shame.
What are you doing? And when it's all down, you maight just
I want my ears to pop. encounter
Try putting a little rouge on 'em. a piece of yourselves you never knew was
Nobody gets me. there.
Wow. Isn't this beautiful, little cowgirl? Are there any questions?
You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you. Uh, do we book spa treatments through you
No, I told you, it's fine, or...
I just didn't like you wearing a matching I like you, kid.
one. I'm gonna call you "Hollywood."
So we haven't told the family yet, That wasn't an answer.
but we've decided to adopt a baby boy. And who's this Cactus Flower?
From America this time. What?
You might say we're "Buying domestic." That's my wife Gloria.
In private. You might say that in private. Well, She's "Cactus Flower" now,
Our adoption attorney told us it would be old-timer.
a good idea These, uh, these nicknames-- are they set
to make a photo book to show prospective in stone?
moms. Okey-dokey.
Yes, but he thought that Cam's version was You ready, gunslinger?
a little too "artsy," I hear word of trouble in these parts.
So, we decided to take a few rugged shots Pull!
at the ranch to, That oughta fix it, eh, Jay?
you know, balance it out. You got a piece of it.
I don't think it needs balancing out. I been practicing like crazy.
Really? All my cowboy skills--
Horse. Shootin', ropin' pancake eatin'.
Look, Jay! So beautiful! Why? Because sometimes
Your ears haven't popped yet, huh? I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.
I'm like the Horse Whisperer. It just when you say, "Phil is my

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-【359】-
 Modern.Family.S03E01
son-in-law," If they had this during the war,
It sound like you're saying, "Phyllis, come right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel.
up, my son-in-law." Watch it!
- That's ridiculous. - Okay, who's your What you doing, eh? You readin'?
son-in-law? Trying to.
Phyllis. I'm not so good at it either.
I'm not asking for a hug. - I'm not surprised. - That was a joke.
I just want to get that look a newfound I'm Jimmy Scrivano.
respect. You want to see me do a cannonball?
Like... I'd rather see you get hit by one, but...
Or... Ha. Good one, gorgeous.
Or... mm. Jay! Is this like the lobster?!
Yeah. Do I get to pick one for dinner?
Check it out. Because this one looks very tender.
Two birds, one leg. Look alive, old-timer.
Pull it! One of your calves is getting away.
Not bad, eh, old-timer? Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's
Uh, see, Slappy only had three fingers. veering left.
What? When this happened, my uncle was at stroke.
He only had three fingers. Oh there'nothing wrong with buttercup,
Who's next? you just got to let her know who's the boss.
Oh, me. Me. Beautiful form, cactus flower!
Oh, this is good. This is good. Beautiful!
Tres macho. You look like a dadgum conquistadora!
No smile. Don't smile. Good. She's deaf, but I can hear ya.
You ready? Why are you riding that way?
Wait, do I say "pull"? I'm afraid that cow over there might bite
Sorry, sorry. me.
Mitchell, why don't you go find Manny have Oh, yes, he's gonna come up and bite you
the spa. because your leg looks so desirable with
Wouldn't that be more fun? those--
Yeah. Are those canvas?
I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy, Okay, Phil, ease that one back over towards
I needed to butch up my life. me.
You know, I wanted to be able to teach my - Got it. - Ease him back this way.
son Hey! Piece of cake, huh, Jay?
all the things that my dad taught Claire. - Huh? - Ease that one over to Bossy.
Hey, Hollywood. Which one's Bossy?
I don't love that. That's my nickname for your wife.
Wanna see something? Hilarious.
Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker? Go, mom! Whoo!
Shh! Yeah, mom! You rock!
Now I just need to find the perfect thing Oh, I wish I had a rock.
to blow up. Hey. It wouldn't kill you to be nice to
Is that thing even legal? Dylan.
Not here. It's from Germany. It might.

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-【360】-

But, honey, I don't know why you always
stick up for him.
Haley can do so much better.
Because I know what it's like to fall for
a girl
whose dad thinks I'm not good enough.
All right, you're right.
I can make more of an effort.
That's the woman I love.
we taking a little break over here? Laying
some pipe?
No. Sorry. I was just talking to Bossy.
- Phil! - I'm sorry.
Jay, look! I got this one!
I got this one!
She's veering left again.
When we get back, I'm gonna see
If she can track a pencil with her eyes.
Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more
time.
Now don't kick me, okay?
Aah! Oh! Lily!
I said don't kick me. Okay?
You know it's your own fault that's
happening.
Why don't you try standing behind her?
You are an idiot.
Oh, really? I ain't the one getting kicked.
Why are you following me?
Why are you fighting me here, gorgeous?
This works.
I really, really don't appreciate
you calling me "Gorgeous."
I just want to enjoy time with my family,
So if you don't mind--mm!
Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.
You kissed a boy!
No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily?
The boy kissed me.
*I rode a horse for the first time today*
*wasn't surprised when it went... neigh*
Hey, Dylan.
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
I was wondering if we could have a little
chat.
Oh. You want me to go home.
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No, no. It's the--the opposite of that.
I want you to go home?
No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I
am that you're here.
Really?
'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you
don't like me.
Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry.
I-I like you.
I-I like you a lot. I just...
it's complicated because Haley's my
daughter.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do
this.
Oh, my god. Okay, we--there's--no, no.
I merely meant that I'm sorry if I made you
feel unwelcome.
Whew! That would have been awkward.
So awkward.
You know, but for the record, Mrs.
Dunphy...
Yes?
If Haley wasn't my girlfriend...
and mr. Dunphy was out of the picture...
I would be honored to share your bed
And raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as my own.
Okay.
Good talk.
*She'll be running down the mountain*
*She'll be running down the mountain when
she comes*
The song ended two minutes ago.
Well, I'll tell you what, she could play
Evita.,
Really? You notice the crickets left?
Anyone want more water?
Oh, Dad, I'll take one.
Heads up.
Oh! Oh, my gosh.
Oh. It was--it was dark. I-I couldn't see
it. Thank you.
So did you set off the firecracker yet?
When I do, you won't have to ask.
First, all the electronics will go out,
Then comes the heat flash.

Afterwards, the living will envy the dead.
And yet I'm the one on the no-fly list.
You know what? Maybe next time I'll just
catch it,
and then hand it to you.
Oh, okay. Yeah, let's do that.
You--you do everything, and I'll do
nothing.
Something on your mind?
This isn't the right place to talk about
it.
Okay.
I-I'm s--
I'm not sure if we should have another baby.
What? Are you serious?
I think that we might be rushing into this.
Rushing into-- we've been working--
Everybody, it's me, Dylan.
I just wanted to thank you all for bringing
me on this trip,
and making me feel like one of the family,
especially bossy.
So I can't think of a better time
to ask something of the woman that I love.
Okay.
No, no.
Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy,
will you do me the honors
of being my lawfully wedded--
No. No, no, no, no, no. No proposals.
Not now. Not gonna happen.
She's a child, so...
- Mom! - You're still in high school!
I meant after she graduates.
Not then. Not now.
Not ever.
Seriously, what are you two gonna live off
of?
The--the--the royalties from the horsey
song?
- Put it back in your pocket. - Would you
stop it?
No, I won't. I won't.
No, it's okay.
I guess I'll just turn in.
Just so you know, there's a fan in my cabin
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Modern.Family.S03E01
that sounds like someone crying.
Dylan, wait! I hate you!
Oh, come on. Haley, get back here!
Phil, anything?
I think you said it all, Claire.
You want me to rope her?
I can, you know.
For what it's worth,
my second wife was in high school.
Sweetie, here. Here we go.
- One, two, three. - One, two, three.
- Gone. - It's gone! It's over there!
It's not back there.
- We counted to three. - Yes.
Where have you been?
I-I slept on the couch in the lodge.
I know you didn't want to have a big fight
last night.
Well, I'm ready now.
Cam, I'm sorry.
Look, what if I can't do the father-son
stuff?
The hunting, the--the sports,
the Three Stooges?
You know what happens in real life
when someone gets hit in the head with a
ladder,
they go to the hospital and they get an
M.R.I.
Never see that scene.
I think you're overthinking this.
You know, I love sports, I love the stooges.
We've got this covered.
No. No, you--you got it covered,
but I'm just stuck on the sidelines,
pretending to understand the rules, and...
You know, my dad was a rough-and-tumble
guy.
And I just-- I could never relate to him.
And I don't know. I just don't think I could
handle
disappointing... two generations.
I think you're more masculine
Than you give yourself credit for.
Who puts a birdhouse next to a porch?
Claire, I know that you're worried

that Dylan is gonna break Haley's heart,
but I see in his eyes
that he's gonna stick with her forever.
No matter what, he's always going to be with
her.
On your deathbed--
Okay. All right. I can't take this anymore.
I'm gonna go find her.
No. You push too hard, you chase her right
into his arms.
You'll end up with a boob for a son-in-law.
Believe me, you don't want that.
What's that supposed to mean?
- What? - Hey, have you guys seen Dylan?
No. No. Why?
I'm not talking to you.
He said he was going out for a walk last
night,
and no one's seen him since.
Sweetheart, I'm sure he's fine.
Maybe after last night, he just went home.
Doubt it. He left his luggage.
We have to do something.
If he doesn't eat five times a day, he gets
spacey.
What would that even look like?
We'll find him. Hank?
We got a situation here!
What seems to be the trouble?
We need to talk.
What?
You stole my first kiss.
What are you talkin' about?
I had it all planned out.
It was supposed to be special,
someone with a high GPA And a bright future,
not a Mario Brother.
Fine. You know what? I don't even want your
kiss.
Here, you can have it back.
There. Now we're even.
Well, keep it. I don't -- I don't want it
anymore.
What am I doing?
Okay, people.
Looks like we have a walker.
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Right now he is facing treacherous terrain,
sudden drops, mountain lions,
hungry bears, oh, and wolverines.
That is, if the hypothermia didn't already
get him.
Why did we come here again?
So our best bet is to split up.
You two are gonna take the North hiking
trail.
- Can I go with my dad instead? - Negative.
I need buffalo Phil and old-timer
to check the Snake River.
Buffalo Phil --
worth the wait.
Me and cactus flower will ride on up to
Destiny Ridge.
Maybe I should ride up there with her.
Negatory. That trail is for advanced riders
only.
We don't need another dead body.
"Another"?
Let's go! Move 'em out.
Phil, help me saddle my horse, will ya?
Well, look who's suddenly needed by his
father-in-law.
Phyllis.
Phil --
is.
Hey, uncle Mitch. Whatcha doing?
Oh, hey.
Just -- just thinkin'.
You know, I've been meaning to tell you,
you're a super fun uncle.
And I'm saying this as a boy.
Uncle Cameron sent you over here, didn't
he?
What? That's hilarious.
No, I love how you and me can joke like this.
Okay, Luke, look, i don't know how much Cam
told you,
but I don't think this is a problem
that you can help me with. It's...
Okay, good. I've got my own problem.
What? What's that?
Can you keep a secret?
I kept a pretty big one for 22 years, so...

I've got this new firecracker,
and I can't decide what to blow up.
Oh, Luke, that's dangerous.
I know. That's what's fun about it.
I don't get boys.
What is so great about destroying things?
It turns stuff into flying chunks of stuff.
Okay, no. No, g-give it to me. Come on.
fine.
I take it back. You're not that fun.
All right, hey, look, um,
we'll do it together, all right?
You just made the best decision of your
life.
Damn it!
Buttercup! What the hell's wrong with this
horse?
Jay.
I want to talk to you about
that son-in-law crack you made at
breakfast.
- Oh, I didn't mean anything by that. - I
think you did.
I get that I wasn't your first choice to
marry Claire,
but it's been 18 years, and there hasn't
been a day
when I wasn't a loyal husband to your
daughter
and a great dad to your grandkids.
So if we've still got a problem, now it's
your problem.
Phil, wait up.
Let me ask you something, man to man.
Okay.
You notice anything funny about the --
Hank character and, uh...
Gloria?
Yeah, he's hitting on her. Why?
I knew it.
Where are you going?
Destiny ridge.
Buttercup, ha!
Buttercup, hiya!
Seriously?
Okay. Okay, it's clear.
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Modern.Family.S03E01
After this, we're gonna have some angry
birds.
Yeah.
It's gonna be "Bye Bye Birdie."
It's a big musical from the '60s.
No. Forget it. What you said.
Okay.
Okay, go.
That's it?
I'm sorry, buddy.
I brought that thing all the way from...
Cam, I did a boy thing! I blew up the
birdhouse!
You should have seen it. It was so awesome.
That's great!
Yeah. I think I can do this.
I mean, maybe not everything and maybe not
right away,
- and not the Three Stooges... - No.
I do. I want a son.
I'm sorry I panicked.
Oh, that's great.
Now maybe we can go back to taking pictures
for the book.
Yes! Pictures of me blowing up stuff!
Okay, I see we've overcorrected.
I know you think I'm the mean mom
who wouldn't let you marry your boyfriend,
but someday you're gonna realize,
I did what had to be done.
No, you didn't. I was never gonna marry
Dylan.
I told him no.
Oh, you did? Thank god.
But it was my proposal to turn down.
You know, you keep telling me to act like
an adult,
but then you don't even give me a chance.
Oh. You sort of got me there.
But, sweetheart, I don't expect you to
understand this.
I certainly didn't when I was your age.
I look at you as my baby, and I always will.
It's just what moms do.
I'm not a baby anymore!
Okay? And I am never gonna see Dylan again!
 Modern.Family.S03E01
Dylan! Hey! I think you better move away from that
Dylan! woman.
What?! Only we touch our women when they don't want
Where are you?! us to.
Wyoming! Easy. Easy there, friend.
You're okay! I wasn't hitting on this filly.
I had the craziest night. This is all part of the package.
When you rejected me, I felt lost and If I didn't play the bad guy,
scared. he wouldn't get to ride up and be the big
And then I went out on a walk, hero.
and I felt a whole different kind of lost He doesn't need you to make him a hero.
and scared. He's a hero every day.
And then I fell asleep in the stable. Why don't you do us all a favor? Get back
And when I woke up, I met this woman named on your horse,
Jake ride down to the lodge and tell 'em--
who's strong like a man. Can you keep him still?
Then we had this long talk, and he/she hired - I'm trying to make a point. - I am.
me. Okay. Okay, I'm gone.
Uh, what do you mean, she hired you? Ma'am.
I work here now. Wait. Wait.
So you're staying? There's something I wanna say to you.
- Yeah. - What about us? I will only be checking "somewhat
It could never work. We're from two satisfied"
different worlds. - on our comment card. - Jeez.
You're a high school student, I mean, he was great with the kids.
and I'm a ranch hand. I looked it up.
I'm just--I'm so glad you're okay. I really The distance between our houses is 2,443
am. miles.
Thanks. But we're not supposed to Yeah, but, you know, on some maps,
fraternize with the guests. it's like--pfft! this big.
Okay. God, you're stupid.
Dylan! All in all, it was a great vacation.
Dylan! We may have lost a man...
You got a voice like a meadowlark, don't But out there on the range, under that great
ya? big sky,
Dylan! we found a part of ourselves we never knew
Yeah, I sure am worried about that kid. was there,
Dylan! just like the horny cowboy said we would.
He ain't down there. No.
Oh, come on now. You come up here for the Fine.
cowboy experience.
You're looking at him.
Do I look like the kind of woman that would
cheat on her husband?
Yes.
Really?

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-【365】-

Modern.Family.S03E02
Okay, let's see...
Oh, could, you grab me an extra virgin...
I think one's enough for the sacrifice.
Olive oil, Phil.
Come on. That's funny.
Oh, it's funnier than your freestyle
"Sandwich rap."
Girl, you crazy.
I'm mad fun to shop with.
Trapped in between two whole wheat slices.
Pastrami and swiss are my only vices.
Sweetie, my shoe. Come on. Jesus. God.
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, roadblock.
- Beep beep! - Pardon me.
Are you okay?
Actually, not okay.
Not okay.
Honey, did you pull from the bottom again?
So after hors d'oeuvres,
We'll bring everyone in here to share the
news.
We're having the family over tomorrow night
to tell them we're planning on adopting a
new baby.
Yes, and we both agreed
to--to go a little more low-key with the
announcement this time.
*Let's hear it for the boy ...*
Okay, just to be clear, this is low-key?
It's a banner
And just some light musical accompaniment,
Mitchell.
I don't have a lower key.
Besides, this is a happy occasion.
Am I right, lily?
Aren't you excited to get a new baby
brother?
No! I hate the baby!
We are having a slight issue
getting Lily on board with the adoption.
"I hate the baby."
"No new baby."
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-【366】-
Modern.Family.S03E02
"I wanna make the baby dead."
I thought we weren't gonna share that one.
I-I-I just hope that the problem is
she hasn't spent much time with any babies.
So we thought it would be a great idea
to show her how much fun it'll be to have
one around.
oh, he is so cute!
Yeah, and he never cries.
Literally never. It's actually a little
weird.
Oh, no, that's not weird.
My sister was born with a full set of teeth.
Yeah, that never happened.
No? Really? You should've seen her crib.
It looked like beavers lived there.
Oh, is this Lily?
oh, yes, it is. Hey, honey. Say hi to the
baby.
My daddy!
Okay, so that's one problem solved.
Bye! See you soon!
Or never.
Cam, I'm a little freaked out about what
Lily did.
Oh, please. She barely touched him,
And he went from zero to big crybaby.
We're talking about bringing another child
into this house.
How's that gonna work with Lily being so
possessive of you?
Why am I hearing an accusatory tone?
Oh, come on. You have to admit that you do
coddle her.
I will not apologize for loving our
daughter.
I'm not criticizing.
I'm not only criticizing,
But we did talk about giving Lily a little
more independence.
Yeah, which is why we put her in preschool.
Yes, but you can't bear to leave her there.
You always pick her up early.
That is ridiculous.
Okay. Okay.
Lily, honey,

Did daddy pick you up early from preschool
today?
No.
Case closed.
We didn't go.
Case opened.
We went shopping.
That's enough.
We bought matchy hats.
you are going to your room.
You're both going to her room.
Do we spend a lot of time together? Yes.
Do we have a special bond? Absolutely.
But do I coddle her more than any other
loving parent?
It's possible.
And for Lily's sake, I should probably work
on that.
No, you calm down!
This is how I talk when somebody accuses
my Manny of stealing.
- Who is that? - It's the principal.
He's saying that Manny stole some girl's
locket.
What, do you think that all colombians are
criminals,
because a colombian necktie
is a symbol of violence all over the world?
No, no, I'm not threatening you.
Okay. Apology accepted.
No, I didn't mean anything about the
necktie.
I just--I was trying to make a point.
Could you "L." a little less "O.L."
Don't you see what I'm trying to do here?
Die alone?
Girls, dinner!
You know, why does Luke get his own room,
and I still have to share with you? I can't
take it anymore.
Me either, even if it is just for one more
year...
when I leave for college.
It is one more year or when you leave for
college?
Because those happen to be two different
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things.
So I hear this little voice coming from the
cans
And it's like...
"Help! I fell in the peaches!"
that's mom!
- Hilarious! - So hilarious.
I'm like, "Claire?"
You might wanna tell them that it was you
Who pushed me into the peaches in the first
place.
This again? I wasn't even near you.
Yes, you were! You knocked me with the cart.
It was completely your fault.
Well, let's just agree to disagree.
No. I-I disagree to disagree.
Then you agree.
No. No, I don't, because I'm right.
Okay, claire. You're right.
as usual.
- No, I am right. - like always.
Stop it. When I am wrong, I admit it.
which is never.
Fine. Fine.
You're a little jumpy tonight, Manny.
Anything wrong?
No. Well, I'm just gonna--
Have a seat, kid.
You know, maybe it's me,
But I thought you were kinda squirrelly
tonight, you know,
Before when your mom was on the phone with
the principal.
Almost like you wanted to say something...
but you just couldn't.
anything you wanna say now, Manny?
No. I have nothing to say.
You sure about that?
Think real hard.
Could I get a glass of water?
That girl's locket-- you took it, didn't
you?
- Didn't you? - Yes.Yes, I took it.
- I didn't mean to. - I don't wanna hear
any excuses.
You're gonna tell your mom, and you're

gonna set this right.
Do you understand?
All right, get out of here.
Just one more thing.
You're not, um...
You're not wearing that locket, are you?
No. Of course not.
It's a girl's. Why would I want to wear it?
It's no reason.
Mom, hurry up! I don't want to be late for
school.
You didn't tell her,did you?
What's the hurry this morning?
Okay, what's with the looks?
It's like a silent movie in here. Okay.
I was walking behind this girl Alicia,
who's moving away,
And I was working up the courage to get her
new address
So I can write her.
I express myself a lot better on paper
than--
Ticktock, kid.
Well, she dropped her locket, and I picked
it up,
But she kept walking, and I...
You stole the locket.
After I told the principal
That you could have never done something
like that,
And I threaten him with the colombian
necktie!
Manny, why?
Don't worry. It wasn't 'cause he wanted to
wear it.
I thought I could keep it as something to
remember her by.
But then you were yelling at Mr. Vickers,
And I-I was just too scared to tell you.
Go to the car.
- I'm really sorry. - Go.
Why would he do something like that?
It's bad enough that he's the boy
with the pan flute and the puffy shirts
and--and the poems.
Now he's the jewelry thief.
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Might be an upgrade.
Ay, Jay, this is not funny.
Those things stick to you.
My cousin Rosa Marina--
When she was 14, she stole something, and
after that,
Everybody thinks of her as the girl who
steals cars.
She stole a car?
Cars.
But after she got that label, what else
could she do?
Listen, you can't control what kids think,
But you can make sure he learns from this.
You take him to the principal's office,
He owns up to it, he never does it again.
Okay. Okay.
But what was he thinking?
This is not even real gold.
No way, Haley! It was my idea! I'm taking
this room!
Over my dead body!
This is going to be my room,
And there's nothing you can do about it!
Seriously?
What are you guys fighting about?
Okay, so we both think
That this would make a totally awesome
bedroom.
But only one of us can have it.
Don't you think it should be me?
Oh, so not. It should be me. Right, Luke?
why do you guys wanna move into the attic?
Oh, you mean "The penthouse"?
With all the privacy of being on its very
own floor?
It is kinda cool.
I'm not an idiot.
I knew what they were up to,
but I've been wanting to move for a while.
There's a line of ants
going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet,
and I don't want to still be there
when they get tired of candy.
Good morning, princess.
Good morning, Lily.

Very adorable, Mitchell,
but I'm having kind of a rough morning,
Daddy, up.
I'm sorry, Lily, those days are over.
Now here's your lunch.
Go get your bag. We will be leaving shortly.
Cam, you don't have to ice her out
completely.
Do you think I'm enjoying this?
But I need her to detach from me before the
new thing comes
or who knows what she'll do to it.
Why are you saying "Thing" Instead of
"Baby"?
Kill the new baby.
Oh. Um, look, I-I-I know this is hard,
but I really appreciate what you're doing.
And believe me,
I take no pleasure in seeing you suffer like
this.
I take a little pleasure.
No, but there--there are very few parenting
issues
where I come out on top.
You know, I'm distant. I work too much.
My French braiding is "Sloppy."
Finally, you know, something that isn't my
fault.
Ready.
Could you please just go put her in her car
seat
while I compose myself?
All right, you know what, Cam?
Why don't I just take Lily to preschool on
my way to work?
I think that would be best.
Let me just whip up a smoothie for you
before you go.
I push the buttons, daddy.
You certainly do.
What do you think the principal's going to
do to me?
I am a first-time offender.
Oh, great. Now I'm tardy. Strike two.
Manny, think of this in a positive way,
- Like it is your "Ha ha" moment. - What
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does that mean?
That means that one day, you're gonna laugh
about it.
Ah, I should've just given that stupid
necklace back to Alicia
When she was standing right next to her
locker.
This is the worst day of my life,
till tomorrow... Oh.
And every day after that. Oh.
Come on, mom. Let's get this over with.
- Wait. - What?
Which one did you say that it was her locker?
This one?
Mm-hmm. The one that smells like rose oil.
Mom?
Keep the lookout.
Now promise me that you will never, ever
do anything dishonest again.
I promise.
Okay, because that's not the way I raised
you.
Don't tell Jay anything, okay?
- Hi, Lily. - All right, Lily.
Hi. Have fun, sweetheart.
Bye.
She is so sweet.
Oh, thanks. Well, you should've seen her
yesterday.
Yeah, she pushed a baby off of Cam's lap.
I know. I know.
She is so possessive of him, but, you know,
Cam's really working on trying not to
coddle her so much,
So...
I'm not really sure it's about coddling.
Sounds more like a sharing issue.
You know, we've noticed Lily has a hard time
with that.
- Really? - I wouldn't worry.
Kids usually pick that habit up from other
kids,
Except the ones that pick it up from their
parents.
We have a few of those in here.
Of course, I can't share those names with

you...
until I get a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh. Oh, Miss Elaine.
I have been told that I might have the
teensiest issue with sharing.
But is that something Lily would even pick
up on?
My chicken.
My pillow.
Daddy's pen.
Okay, it's possible.
And I suppose for Lily's sake, I-I should
work on that...
privately. because right now we really need
to
get Cam's coddling problem under control.
What's going on?
Moving into the attic.
Give me a day or two to get settled, then
I'll have you up.
When did all this happen?
Depends on who you ask.
My plan's been in motion for three weeks.
Honey, this is a terrible idea. You're
gonna hate it up there.
Mom, stay out of this.
Yeah. We all have our own rooms now.
Everybody wins.
Well, don't get too comfortable in there,
girls.
Luke, it's cold, and it's scary up there.
You're gonna be back in your own room by
tomorrow night.
I don't know, Claire. It's got a lot of
potential.
This is a lot nicer than the attic I lived
in when we met.
One night, if that. Trust me on this.
Oh, yes, because you're always right.
Sweetheart, I would love to be wrong.
I just don't live with the right people for
that.
Let it go, kids. She's not gonna budge.
- Kept me up all night with the-- - Phil,
you did push me!
Your word against mine.
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Guess it's one of those things we'll just
never know,
Like what really happened to the "Titanic."
It hit an iceberg.
- Maybe. - Mm, there's no maybe.
Oh, you're right, Claire.
Again.
Surprise, surprise.
Okay, I-I will see you over at uncle
Mitchell's.
I'm gonna skip this meeting of the pile-on
Claire club.
Guess I pushed her into that pile, too.
I spend half my life waiting on you.
How many times do you have to change your
outfit?
Sorry, Jay. Too many choices is a prison.
Just drive before he rethinks the pants.
- What's wrong with my pants?! - Go. Go.
Go.
So, Manny, how'd it go with the principal
today?
It was terrible, but he was brave, and now
it's over.
- Right, Manny? - Mm-hmm.
- So d-- - what'd they give you? Detention?
Suspension?
No, just a warning because it was first
offense.
- So how was work? - Great.
Just a warning, huh?
Like she said.
So I ask about work, and you change the
subject.
Are you trying to hide something?
No, I just wanna make sure he's okay. You
okay?
'cause, I mean, it looks like you're
sweatin' bullets back there, kid.
Stop grilling him. First the principal, now
you.
This poor boy has been screamed at all day.
- Well, not to mention-- - Quiet! I've got
this.
- Where is Lily? - Um, she's getting
dressed.

All by herself?
- Cam is encouraging her to be more
independent. - Oh.
And there she is!
Doesn't she look beautiful?
She looks like she was dipped in glue,
and dragged through a flea market.
- Hey there! - Hi!
- Guys. Come on in. There's hors d'oeuvres.
- How's it going?
Hey, do you guys have any old furniture?
I'm moving into the attic.
- The attic? - Hey, at least it's big.
Grandpa said you used to live in the closet.
Okay. Well, you know what?
Yeah, we'll absolutely find you something
for sure. Okay?
My daddy!
Lily, no!
I-I'm sorry, Luke.
This isn't over.
Oh, my god. Mitchell, she's getting worse.
I have turned her into a pushy, little,
entitled monster,
on her way to a rap sheet and a bracelet
on her ankle.
Oh, she has a bracelet on her ankle.
Cam.
Cam, Cam.
This--this might not be entirely your
fault.
No, it is.
I spoke with Lily's teacher.
And she thinks that--that she may have a
problem with sharing,
Which she might have gotten from--
You. You don't like to share.
No, I do it to make a point sometimes.
Like, if you want the chicken, then order
the chicken.
Wait, when did you talk to Lily's teacher?
Uh, today, when I--when I dropped her off
at school.
And you let me suffer all day?
All right, look, we--we can't do this with
everybody here.
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- Can we please just get through the evening?
- Yes,
but we are not making the announcement
tonight.
Because that is a joyful thing,
And I am not feeling very joyful right now.
Well, I share your feeling.
Just so you know, I'm on to you.
You never took Manny to the principal.
Okay, play it like that, but I know Manny.
He has more of a conscience than you have.
He's not gonna be able to live with this.
You'd be surprised what people can live
with, Jay.
Hi, Miss Lily. How's my big girl doing?
Good.
Can you tell me how old you are now?
That's 4. This is 3.
Okay, show me again. How old are you?
- 3. - No! That many is 4.
This many is 3.
Don't argue, Lily. You'll never win.
Really, Phil?
Okay, I-I was gonna wait until we got home
for this,
But now I think it's something everyone's
gonna enjoy.
Guys, everybody, come on down to the TV
room.
I've got something really special to share.
Okay, how's everybody on drinks?
If this is Alex's graduation again, just
leave me the bottle.
I'm good, Cam.
Okay, everybody.
Showtime.
Oh, my gosh. It's us at the market.
- How did you-- - Yeah, it's security camera
footage.
I don't understand. What are we watching?
It ain't "The godfather," I can tell you
that much.
Okay, look, I fell yesterday at the market,
And Phil and I have been having a little
disagreement
as to what happened. Just watch. Okay,

right here.
I stop to fix my shoe, and then Phil--
right there. Okay.
He makes way for this very attractive
woman,
whom he conveniently leaves out of his
retelling of the story.
Now right here, Phil backs up,
pushes his butt into the cart,
pushes me into the cans!
Do you see that?! Oh!
It's all his fault, just like I said!
I was right! Suck it!
- When did you get this-- - Oh, my god.
That's why you wanted to come separately.
You went to all that trouble just to prove
you were right?
It really wasn't that much trouble.
I just went to the store, found your friend
Jordan the bag boy,
who got me the manager.
He gave me the address of the off-site
security office.
I filled out some paperwork. Sally faxed
it to corporate.
Three minutes later, I'm buying pack of
dvds and burning a copy.
Cake.
It's like a sickness.
What? None of you believed me,
so I got proof.
You should all be sucking it right now.
Hey, please stop with the "Sucking it,"
Claire.
The children!
Yes, children are very impressionable.
You'll never know what they'll pick up.
Okay, cam, I'm sorry that I blamed it on
you, okay?
But we both need to look at our actions.
I mean, if we're thinking about adopting
another baby,
then we need to--
- You guys... - You're adopting another
kid?
- No! No, no! - You're--wait!
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Congratulations!
We're thinking about it. It's not...
What the hell's happening here?
Is that from "Footloose"?
Really, Mitchell?
You couldn't even share telling your
family!
Fine. Fine.
But why are you upset? This is such good
news.
No, we're a little on edge
because lily has been acting out
like she doesn't want a sibling, and--
Yeah, because Mitchell taught her to hate
sharing.
And/or because cam wears her like a fanny
pack.
Oh, stop blaming each other.
No kid wants a sibling.
I mean, Claire hated you so much
She stuck you in a dryer when you were 2.
You put me in the dryer?
I did, but it wasn't 'cause I hated you.
My friend Marci said
That it wouldn't run with a kid inside it,
and I knew it would. I was right.
Good governor.
It's been going on since you were 5?
- Oh, my god. It is a sickness. -Yeah.
What would make me have that need at such
a young age?
How long was I in that dryer? Because I--
Is this why I'm afraid of tumbling?
I had to quit gymnastics, Claire!
A childhood without tumbling?
You knew this and just stood by and did
nothing?!
Okay, okay. What's done is done!
All you can do is learn from your mistakes.
And in that spirit,
I would like to propose a toast... to Manny.
This week, he did something he wasn't
supposed to do,
- like we all do-- - Like we all do!
- Salud to Manny! - Uh, not yet.
But Manny stood up like a man.
 Modern.Family.S03E02
He admitted he was wrong and he took his
licks,
and I'm damn proud of him.
Ah, now we clink!
No, we clink when I say we clink.
So Manny made a mistake, but he didn't take
the easy way out.
He's got guts, he's got integrity.
As far as I'm concerned, he's the best
little b--
Okay, stop! Stop! I didn't do any of that.
Mom broke into the locker and threw the
necklace inside,
and then we ran away like cowards.
- I'm sorry, jay! I'm sorry! - I knew it!
I was right! I was right!
Who is it?
Hi, honey. It's just me. Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm great.
So, how you liking your new digs?
I know you told me that I'd be cold...
and scared...
- But I'm not. - No, I can see that.
I was--I was wrong.
- You were. - Yeah.
Well, you're gonna hate this then, honey,
but I'm gonna need you to go back down and
sleep in your old room.
I just--I'm worried if you get something
so cool
this early in your life,
You're not gonna have anything to look
forward to later.
I-I have to go now?
You can spend the night tonight here if you
want.
Oh! No, if it's so important to you,
I'll go now.
You should come, too.
Something sleeps over there.
Wait for me. Wait. Wait for me! Wait for
me.

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-【373】-

Modern.Family.S03E03
Jay.
- Jay... -What?!
- What's wrong? - You are snoring!
Me? Oh, I'm sorry.
Look at her!
Come on! We said no Stella in the bed.
Oh but she's just a little puppy.
She probably get scared and snuck in.
Oh really? How come when Manny have
nightmares
you don't let him snuck in bed?
Gloria, it's six o'clock in the morning,
can we talk about this later?
Answer the question, Jay.
You know, I'm gonna check the lease,
but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to
have a meth lab.
You are a delight.
So what are you doing?
I think you're gonna like this. I'm going
on a juice fast.
Mmm. Love it.
Hate it. Let's face it,
A well-fed Cam is hardly a model of
emotional stability.
Now deprive him of food, and stage by stage,
it's a slow descent into madness.
Stage one--the clean sweep.
Poison.
Poison.
- Poison. - Do you think that this is the
best week to be doing this?
Why not?
- Well, we have that charity thing at my
boss' house. - Oh, so what,
I'm supposed to put off my quest for
wellness
until we're no longer socially in demand?
That will never happen. I'm too
charismatic.
No. No. Not the cookies.
Of course the cookies.
Why do you always want me to fail?
Stage two--attack Mitchell.
Modern.Family.S03E03
Because when his diet crashes and burns
into a giant pile of nutella,
I'm the one he's gonna blame.
Well, no, not this time.
You know what? I'm gonna do the fast with
you.
I think it's a great idea, and we should
do it together.
So we're on the same team, you know, us
versus food.
I know what you're doing...
and I really appreciate it.
No, it'll-- it'll be good for me.
I've actually put on a few pounds.
Yeah, well, you know, I didn't want to say
anything.
As the stock market plummeted,
brave young men took to the skies,
ushering in the golden age of the
daredevil.
How awesome are people?
So awesome.
You wanna get that, buddy? I'll pause it.
- Hey, Luke. How's it going? I-- - Hey,
uncle Mitchell.
I really can't talk. I'm trying to watch
a movie.
Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to drop off
this bag of junk food.
Go on.
Uh, Cam and I are on a juice fast,
so having this stuff in the house--
I connected the dots. See ya.
Seeing that weird, wonderful little man
pursuing his dream of walking on a
tightrope made me think
maybe I could pursue my dream...
Here you go, buddy.
of walking on a tightrope.
Come on, dad! You got this! You can do this!
Stay focused! Stay hungry!
You okay, buddy?
What? Yeah, hell, yeah, no.
Just proud of my dad!
There was a lot of chocolate in that bag.
Phil, honey, you gotta take Luke to school.

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-【374】-
 Modern.Family.S03E03
Got it. You wouldn't find it so funny if she was
Okay, I haven't fallen three out of the last destroying your shoes.
four times. Well, I don't leave my shoes laying around,
This afternoon, we go airborne. so...
Sitting all by yourself at the table. So it's my fault that she chooses to chew
Now where have I seen that again? my shoe?
Oh, right. Every day in the school I didn't say that. You barely said it.
cafeteria. You have to stop coddling her.
I do that by choice. I don't coddle her.
The school's choice. What?
Isn't that your nickname? She tries to drink the water.
Haley, be nice to your sister. It's funny.
Alex, good save. You don't look at me in class. You don't
Mom, sign this. text me.
What is it? Who would text during a class?
They finally bumped me up to the harder math What are you?
class. Hon, I realize that this situation is not
Third period, Mr. Waters. ideal
What? No, mom, you cannot sign this. for either one of you,
This is my class. but sometimes we just rise above things.
You're a freshman. What are you doing in Yes?
second-year math? Excuse me. Did you notice the curb here is
You're a senior. What are you still doing painted yellow?
in second year math? Uh, no, I did not.
Not "Still." "Again." Wow. It means loading and unloading.
Alex, be nice to your sister. Okay, well, I was just dropping off my kids.
Haley, not a good save. And yet I see no kids emerging from the
I knew it would suck having you at my vehicle.
school. Well, we were chatting.
Well, hang in there. At the risk of surprising you a third time,
A couple more years, you'll have it all to officer,
yourself again. I've been dropping off here for years, and
Come on, girls. I--
Jay, look at this. - Move it. - Okay. You betcha.
It's ruined. What was her problem?
Stella did this. She chew on my shoe! Oh, you know what you should have said to
You have to discipline that stupid dog. her--
I discipline her all the time. Nothing. I should have said nothing would
Oh, really? How? By buying her little be the point.
cupcakes? I have to see her every day.
They're not real cupcakes. I mean, why make it worse?
They're doggy treats in the form of That's exactly what I'm talking about.
cupcakes. Awkward, unpleasant situation--
Yeah, you should have told that to Manny rise above.
before he ate one. Have a nice day.
Oh, come on. His coat never looked better. Love you!

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-【375】-

Bye-bye!
"And yet I see no children emerging from
the vehicle."
How'd you like to see my fist emerging into
your face?
Oh! Now I think of it!
Day four of the juice fast,
and I'm hungry, but I'm-- I'm feeling
pretty good.
Cam, on the other hand, has gone all...
"Girl, Interrupted.",
After one, throwing out all of our food,
and two, blaming me,
he entered stage three-- soap actress.
I just wish my sister would put herself out
there more.
She has so much to offer.
Why are men so superficial?
That was followed by stage four--
a rush of epiphanies...
I... Don't... Need... Food.
Look at this. Architecture is everywhere.
Oh. Spaniards make amazing athletes.
Into stage five--despair...
Daddy, we hided, but you didn't seek.
Cam?
Then came rage.
Hey. Whatcha got there?
The good news is,
Cam's never made it this far into a diet
before, so...
Downside--I have no idea what the next
stage is gonna be.
But I'm pretty sure
it's not charming party guest.
Cam, I-I was thinking,
I'll take the bullet tomorrow night at my
boss' house.
You don't have to go to the party.
They're--they're boring.
Silly cause, you know, lots of people.
Parking...
- Cam, say something. - Why do you hate me?
I don't hate you.
Then why are you trying to push me out of
your life?
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Because you--you seem a little...
unhinged.
Okay, well, you know what I think?
You should worry a little bit less about
me
and a little bit more about yourself
and what you're gonna wear tomorrow night,
because I saw what you have laid out,
and I don't think you're gonna like the way
you look in photos.
Well, I hadn't landed on that.
Her hand's in the air, like, every five
seconds,
and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to
assign homework.
The class loved that. Do you know how
embarrassed I was?
Not as embarrassed as I was
when she said 8 was a prime number. 8, mom.
Okay, fine. You know what?
I'm gonna call the school today and have
your schedules changed,
but I want you to know a little part of me
died today, okay?
I thought the two of you could understand
how being in the same class would benefit
you both.
Alex, you--you could've tutored Haley.
Haley, you could've helped alex with her
social skills.
Come on. The two of you could've been two
Super Dunphys.
And instead, what are you? Two bickering
Half-Dunphys,
and I'm the fool that expected more.
No, I don't even want to hear it. Just go
upstairs. Go.
What was that?
That was a master class in parenting.
Right now our daughters are upstairs
making a decision they think is their own,
But really, it was an idea that was
skillfully implanted by me.
Inception, Claire.
Dangerous game, but I like it.
What are those?
 Modern.Family.S03E03
Wire walkers. I don't know. Uh, a cup of soup, a cobb
You want to go to the dance, you gotta wear salad.
the shoes. Yeah, it had bacon.
Luke, grab your camera. Cam, I don't have all day to describe all
Luke. my meals to you.
I wasn't sleeping. Stop eating all my things, you stupid
Honey, I-I think those are... animal.
Jazz shoes. No, Cam, not you.
No. Tightrope shoes. I'll call you back.
Got 'em at an estate sale. Only worn once. Bad doggy!
That--that is not a ringing endorsement You want to chew on something?
for... Okay. Okay. Okay.
Oh! Phil, honey. Look at this.
Please be ca--careful. Right. Look at this delicious man shoe. Eat it.
Watch the door. Come on. Eat it. Eat it.
Hey, what'd you get for number 3? Mmm! Yummy.
You're not going to learn if I just give Eat the shoe.
you answers. Eat his shoe. Come on. Eat his shoe.
Well, what if I gave you something in Yeah, like this. Look.
return? Delicious.
Like what? Mom?
You can talk to me in class. Drop it.
I want lunch at the cool table. I--
Then I want all the answers. Please. I'm sorry you had to see this.
Then I want a week at the table. hello?
- That'll cost you two pop quizzes. -A Hi, Mrs. Dunphy. This is Rose in the
month. principal's office.
-The midterm. -Deal. -Can you hold for principal Weller? -Yes.
Looking great, dad. Hi, Claire.
With these steps, I break the surly Hi, John. What'd she do this time?
bonds... Actually, I've got both of them in here.
Chicken in a basket! Both of them? Really?
Don't look at me. Alex was letting Haley copy her homework.
- Mom. Mom. Mom. -What? What? What? What? Mr. Waters caught them.
What? I-I don't believe it.
Mom. Mom. Did you call the school yet? I'm about to have a little talk with them,
Uh, not yet, but I was just about to. So they'll be out a few minutes late.
Uh, Bartles & Jaymes! Um, I'm so sorry, John, and honestly,
Good. Because we are thinking I-I really am a better mother than this.
We might want to stay in that class. I promise.
Really? Oh, girls, I don't know about that. So you've said.
Oh, please let us try it. Seriously?
Super Dunphy? Seriously? Oh. You...
I can't hold her! I can't hold her! Excuse me.
Well, maybe one more week. Hey, um, what the hell is this?
Thanks, mom. This zone is for loading and unloading,

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-【377】-

not for talking on the phone.
Yeah, I know, but I was talking on the phone
to the school
that my kids were about to come out of,
so...
Are you aware this zone has a time limit?
N-no, I'm not.
You know what? I do want to do some
unloading.
I know your type.
Life has been bad to you. It has made you
feel small.
And then one day somebody gives you a fake
cop outfit,
A toy badge and a little spongebob tie.
Suddenly it's payback time, right?
Well, I got news for you,
"Law & order: Special parking unit,"
Not my fault.
I'm really sorry, dad.
Oh, it's all right.
Everybody throws up at school.
If I had a nickel for every time I puked
at school,
you know how much money I'd have?
35 cents.
Exactly. Now go get cleaned up, and I'll
call the doctor.
Wait, dad, I don't need a doctor.
- What's up? - The other day,
Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk
food
So he and Cam could do a jew fast.
- Juice fast? - I'm pretty sure he said
"Jew".
But anyway, I took the bag, and I hid it,
and I ate it all.
Oh, buddy.
I couldn't help myself. I'm weak. Don't
look at me.
It's all right.
It's okay. Hey, you learned a lesson.
A painful lesson.
I guess we both have.
What do you mean?
I always saw myself as a guy
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who could soar through the sky, dancing on
a wire.
I can't even get across one 6 inches off
the ground.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
Maybe you keep falling
because part of you knows that you can fall.
Maybe if the wire was much, much higher,
you wouldn't fall.
Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke.
You are a genius.
Come on. We got work to do.
Yes! Can I have a doughnut first?
Yes, you can!
Ah, there they are, my super Dunphys.
We're sorry, but we just--
You don't get to talk.
You had a chance to be better people today.
You, to be more well-rounded,
And you, to be a better student.
You could have elevated the Dunphy name,
But instead, you chose to tarnish it,
So, congratulations, ladies,
You brought this family to a new low.
Mom, are you--
Yeah. Yeah, I am,
And I would actually like to get these
loosened up, if I might.
- Are we gonna have any more trouble? - No,
ma'am.
Oh, Claire, do you need me to drive the
girls?
All good, Janet. All good.
Goat cheese risotto ball?
No, thank you.
Are you sure? They're so good.
Walk away.
It's tough enough to deal with Cam when I'm
at full strength.
But I have been fasting just as long as he
has,
and I do not have the energy
to deal with a big, needy brisketcase--
Brass--basketcase.
Cam! Don't be mad at me,
But I think that you really need to eat

something.
What?
You're supposed to be my support.
Oh, away from me, temptress.
And I never thought I would call you that
in a negative way.
I've seen her do a lot of crazy stuff,
But this is a whole new level.
Is this a people cookie?
You're good.
A definitive "yes" or "no" would be
appreciated.
Those cupcakes did a number on me.
Are you happy?
You have reduced me to a person who eats
a shoe.
- Gloria, sit. -You think this is funny?
To talk to me like I am a dog?
I'm not talking to you like you're a dog.
I'm just asking you to sit so we can get
to the bottom of this.
Okay, fine.
Good girl.
Come on. You set me up.
Gloria, why are you acting so crazy?
It's just a little dog.
It's not the little dog that is making me
crazy.
It's you that is making me crazy.
- Me? -Yeah, you used to put me first.
You used to want me in that shower.
Should I be here for this?
No, Manny. It's okay. I go. But I want you
to know this.
Where I come from, men cherish woman.
It goes wife, mistress, dog.
Dog always at the bottom.
As you can imagine, I get asked to help,
Uh, with a lot of these environmental
causes.
Usually, I buy a ticket,
Uh, bid on Shaquille O'Neal's big shoe...
and, uh, come home.
But then, something happened.
I love paddle surfing.
And each time I'd go out, I'd see this one
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sea lion.
He'd pop his head up. He'd check me out.
I got so used to seeing him, I even named
him--Snorkels.
Oh, god, I do not like where this is going.
So one day, I, uh, I go out and I see
Snorkels.
But he's doing this weird twisting thing
in the water.
Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.
So I paddle over, and I see he's got a
plastic grocery bag,
wrapped around his neck and one of his fins.
And I freaked, tried to get it off with my
paddle.
It didn't work, so I-I jumped in,
But he disappeared under the water. And,
uh...
Don't say it. Don't you dare say it.
And I never saw him again.
This is the saddest thing I've ever--
Mitchell, are you okay?
Of course I'm not okay.
None of this is okay.
Okay, well, you need to pull yourself
together.
'cause we're at your boss' house.
He drowned, Cam!
Is he all right?
Yeah, yeah, I just think he needs a little
air.
You know who else needed air?
Snorkels!
Excuse me.
Snorkels?! Where are you, Snorkels?!
Mitchell, get back here!
Oh, Snorkels!
Mitchell, what is wrong with you?!
What do you think is wrong with me? I'm
starving!
Well, if you're starving, then just eat
something!
I can't eat something because then you'll
get mad at me,
And we're at my boss' house!
I'm not gonna get mad at you!
 Modern.Family.S03E03
I appreciate what you're doing for me! You're awesome!
I'm doing it for you. Oh, my goodness!
Oh, you don't have to do anything for me. Turns out, I've had my super Dunphy all
I love you just the way you are. along.
I love you just the way you are. Oh, I know.
- I got you! - Okay. Okay. What was on my mind as I was walking across
- I got you, babe! - Thank you. that wire?
I got you! I kept thinking, if I can do this,
- Cam. - I got you! Then I've got two ways of getting across
I can walk. I can walk. my yard.
I think Mitchell may just be a work friend. Did you have fun?
I let down my Mom and Dad today, and... Yes. She's the cutest dog in the whole
Worse than that, world.
I let down my teacher. Yeah, I heard you the first time.
It's all my fault. Let's go find your Daddies.
Everything I touch turns to detention. We're in here!
I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, my god. These cupcakes a so good.
Me, too. I'm so sorry. We helped ourselves.
Oh, I don't really have We were so hungry. They are delicious.
a whole lot of moral high ground to stand I love that they're not too sweet, you know?
on. They taste almost like pate.
I wasn't exactly my best self today either. You know, I mean...
All in all, not a great day for the Dunphys. But why are you eating?
Come on, Dad! Believe in yourself! We've been on a juice cleanse.
You're making the impossible unimpossible. You need to mind your own business, sweetie,
Phil. Oh, my god. for right now.
Don't even bother. He's in the zone.
He can't hear you.
Go, Dad!
You got this!
All week long, I'd been telling my girls
how to act
instead of showing them.
But not Phil.
Phil could have said,
"Alex, relax. Don't take everything so
seriously."
Or "Haley, challenge yourself. Don't give
up so easily."
But instead of talking the talk, Phil
walked the walk.
And isn't that what we're supposed to do
for the people we love?
It's definitely a challenge...
But Phil made it look easy,
7 feet off the ground.

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Modern.Family.S03E04
So then what happened?
Well she didn't show up to school the next
day.
And I heard that she slept over at his dorm.
No way.
Seriously, are you surprised?
Do you not know Carley?
Have you not seen what she wears at school?
Girls, let's cool it on the gossip, okay?
It's not right.
And Carley's got enough problems.
What do you mean?
Well, her mom can't get through soccer
practice
without a thermos of chardonnay,
And don't get me started on the dad. That
guy is--
- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god!
- Mom! - Oh! This is such a dangerous
intersection!
Did I get lipstick on my face?
No, you're fine. And consider yourself
lucky
you didn't just get, like, felt up by your
mom.
They need to get a stop sign.
What is your obsession with traffic?
It's an obsession with safety.
One of these days, joe speeder's gonna come
tearing through here,
and somebody's gonna--aah! Aah!
I'm okay.
- Oh, my god! I'm okay. - Oh, hey, guys.
- Phil? - Yeah. No, I'm good. Gotta keep
moving.
Keep the heart rate up.
Oh. Okay.
How's my face?
Still good.
Okay. Good.
Gloria, how many times do I have to tell
you
to pull your car all the way in?
The gate was open all night.
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We live in a nice neighborhood.
What are you afraid of? That some money's
gonna fly in
and then your gardener is gonna have to rake
it up?
Jay, I'm going to need you to cut me a check.
What now?
Drama club trip. "Les miserables."
We're selling wrapping paper to raise money
for the tickets.
No. No. Wait. Wait. Slow down. What's the
story exactly?
Well, Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison
for stealing a loaf of bread.
The wrapping paper.
19 years for a loaf of bread?
How good was this bread?
It wasn't about the bread. It was about the
society--
Focus, people.
Manny, we will buy all your wrapping paper.
No. No, we won't. No, he's got to learn to
sell.
This is the best business training there
is,
hell, the best life training.
Manny, write this down--
"A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in
a rowboat,
and brings the tartar sauce with him."
Jay is always telling me to "Write this
down."
I don't always catch everything he says.
"Something, something, firm handshake."
"Never take the first room they show you."
Not sure who "They" Is.
And this one just says "Pancakes."
Cam, what's this scribble on the "Vanity
fair"
about an adoption agency?
Oh, um, yeah, they called to say
they wanted to reschedule our home visit.
When? Why didn't you tell me?
Th-this is kind of important.
Well, when does it say?
Uh, well, who knows?

It disappears into jennifer aniston's
hair.
You gotta get a better system.
There is nothing wrong with my system.
Ask me anything about any upcoming event.
I can tell you when and where it is.
When is the adoption agency visit?
Okay. Is that a "5" or a curl?
Oh, I hope Jen's finally found love.
What happened here?
Well, Lily and I woke up in a French mood,
so we decided to whip up some crepes.
When are you gonna be in the mood to wipe
up some crepes?
Oh, I know, it's a little messy, but...
- you know what? I'm gonna clean it up. -
Okay.
- I'll clean it up. - Will you?
- Just say what's on your mind. - You never
clean up.
Save the gasp.
Cam, whenever you get creative in the
kitchen,
I'm the one who ends up cleaning it up,
okay?
The homemade pizza, fondue, molecular
gastronomy.
I'm still cleaning shrimp foam out of the
curtains.
Okay, you know, Mitchell? Just go to work,
okay?
I'm gonna take Lily to school, and then when
I get home,
I'm gonna scrub this place like a crime
scene,
which it is, because you've murdered joy.
Hey, buddy. What's up?
Hey, dad. Think fast.
Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god!
If we had that on tape,
it'd be the greatest youtube video ever!
We'd get, like, a million hits. This is our
double rainbow!,
We need to do it again.
Oh, I would, buddy, but, uh,
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Your mom's all over me to change a bunch
of lightbulbs.
How many moms does it take to screw on a
lightbulb?,
I don't know.
None, 'cause they get you to do it, sucker.
I laughed, but...
It hurt a little.
We're home!
- Us, too. - Oh, great. You're all here.
What's up, girl?
Oh. You know that really dangerous
intersection?
Where desire meets jealousy, and the result
is murder?
Mnh-mnh. The one where I almost killed you
this morning.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was my bad. I got lost
in my Jams.
Dangerous combo-- speed walking and
speedwagon.
Oh. I wasn't even trying for that.
Nice.
Well, I am getting us a stop sign.
I called City Hall, and how is this for
amazing?
The Traffic Committee meets tonight.
I've got goosebumps.
I know, right? All I have to do is get 50
signatures,
show up, make my case.
- It's on. - I am so proud of you.
We all are. Mm.
We love when mom gets on a project.
Because usually the minute any of us walks
in the door,
she gives us something to do.
"Do your homework. Clean your room."
"Put on pants."
Like the Queen's coming over. Am I right?
So when she's not around or gets busy,
Luke and I capitalize on the situation.
There you are, my good man.
Squire, let's do it.
Get you some!
Well, I think it's awesome.
 Modern.Family.S03E04
I am so glad because I could really use your the taste of eggnog.
help I do love eggnog.
getting these signatures. Look, write this down--
I'll do it, "What's the difference between 'try' and
soon as I change those lightbulbs you 'triumph'?"
wanted. A little oomph?
Great. Kids? A little oomph. Get it?
Crud. You know, I've got a ton of homework. Of course I get it. I just said it.
- Uh, science project. - Haley? Hey! I'm gonna kill you when I find you,
I need to get started on my college essay. silly dog!
You know what? Maybe I'll write it about Why don't you come back? Stella!
you. I have a theory.
You're just so inspirational. Ay, Cam, thank you for helping me.
Girl power! You rock. Oh, it's my pleasure. Stella!
Thanks, honey. Stella!
I do rock. Oh, my god.
Stella, down. What? Do you see her?
Stella, no. This is very dangerous. No. But I see myself in the role I was born
Okay, Estella. That's it. to play.
Come here, because Jay is gonna be very mad Stella!
if something happens to you. Stella!
Go play with the bone. See you later. Hello? Oh, Mitchell, you are not gonna
Now I can cook my empanadas. believe this.
The gate. I'm out helping Gloria look for her dog.
Ay, no! I'm wearing an undershirt and I'm screaming
Ay, no! The gate! The gate! "Stella,"
Estella, come back! Just like in "Streetcar."
Hey there, Mr. Salesman. - Hello? - You didn't clean the kitchen.
Can we not talk about business? Mitchell, I am an inadvertent Stanley
That bad, huh? Kowalski.,
I gave it everything I got-- How can you not be delighted by this?
Working the dimples, going big eyes. You promised.
It got me two things-- diddly and squat. I was called away for an emergency.
How many houses you hit? Gloria's lost her dog, and she's
I don't know. heartbroken.
Must've been at least three. Where are you, dumb dog?
Three? And that's your idea of the best you I hope in a big, black hole.
got? I cannot believe That you did this to me
It was very hard on me. yet again. Oh.
I'm not used to rejection... or hills. I didn't do anything.
Look, you can't quit after three houses. I cooked a meal in our kitchen.
That's-- that's not perseverance. And then you left on purpose, knowing that
What are you selling? I would not be able to sit here without
- Wrapping paper. - Wrong. cleaning it up.
You're selling Christmas-- Life is messy sometimes. Big deal.
the excitement of opening presents, It gets cleaned up.

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-【383】-

You're the one with a problem if you can't
leave
a few dirty dishes for a couple hours.
O-okay, fine. C-cam, I'm not cleaning it
up.
Great.
I mean it.
Perfect. You know what?
Why don't you make it bigger?
You know what? I will.
I-I... Okay, you know, get--get ready,
Because you are gonna come home to--to a
giant mess.
And I will give him a giant hug when I get
there.
Stella!
Hey, dad. Think fast.
Oh. Wow. Buddy.
I'm sorry. I told you, I gotta change the
lightbulbs
and then help your mom with those
signatures.
Never mind.
I guess it was a stupid idea anyways.
I've always said that if my son thinks of
me
as one of his idiot friends, then I've
succeeded as a dad.
If he wants to go the wrong way on the
escalator, I'm on board.
If he wants to go into a restaurant
and pretend we're Australian.
"G'day mate!"
"Toss a few shrimp on the barbie for me and
my Joey."
Yeah? Right? Nicole Kidman?
Men at Work?
Here we go. Take 12.
Hey, buddy! I'm home!
Hey, dad. Think fast.
Wow. You know, my arm's starting to hurt
a little.
Really? Cause my face feels great.
Come on, dad. Let's not turn on each other.
We could be here a while.
Yeah. Okay. You're right. Here we go.
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Take 9.
You're not even trying.
Daddy, I'm hungry.
What do you want, honey?
Raisins.
All right well, go get 'em.
It's too high, daddy.
I can't reach.
For the record, I am not a neat freak.
I-in fact, in my first long-term
relationship,
I was the messy one, which is why she broke
up with me.
- No, thanks. - Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me show you how
it's done.
Hi. Uh, Jay Pritchett here.
Holidays are just around the corner.
I'm sorry. I don't believe in wrapping
paper.
What do you mean you don't believe in
wrapping paper?
It's not bigfoot. It exists.
It's not eco-friendly. It's wasteful.
No, not this stuff.
This paper was made from 100% recycled
materials.
I don't think so.
I can't understand what you're saying.
She's an ugly little fresh bulldog
with the tiny ears and the smushy face.
What is so hard to understand?
Maybe I should translate.
I really don't like people coming to my door
unannounced
While I'm working on my carving.
I understand, but a stop sign is really
important.
What exactly are you carving?
Hello, ma'am. Do you love Christmas?
Actually, I'm jewish.
Oh, well, then you must appreciate a good
value.
Oh, jeez.
If you see her, let us know.
Oh, my god. No, no. No, no.

Are you kidding? Seriously?!
See? You're not keeping your head in the
right position.
I know that's me, but I'm not remembering
any of this.
Oh. Those stupid neighbors!
- What's wrong? - I can't ask for a simple
signature.
But it's fine for them to build a house
that looks like the Beverly hillbillies
just moved in.
Did you do any better?
We came close a few times,
But you're not talking about the basketball,
are you?
Phil, tell me you got some signatures.
I have to be at city hall in, like, two
hours.
Oh, god. Haley, how about you?
I've been busy with my college essay.
Really? Where is it?
It's in a rough, rough draft right now.
I've been thinking that maybe that I
should--
Alex has been skyping with her boyfriend
since you left.
That's so not true!
Thank you.
Really, thank all of you so much for your
help.
Really?
Sometimes those things need to warm up,
like the car.
Phil, don't even. I have been out there,
trying to do something good for our
community,
because let me tell you, change doesn't
just happen.
It is forged by empowered women like me
And Norma Rae and the lady from "The Blind
Side.",
Do you know what the difference is between
me and her?
Blind side's family had her back.
Okay.
Huddle up, everybody.
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Your mother's right.
She's the quarterback of this family,
And we need to protect her like blind side
did.
She just said the mom was blind side.
Well, she's confused.
Blind side was the black kid who played
tight end.
Offense line.
Sorry. African-american kid.
There she is.
Ay! Stella!
Ay, thank god you found my dog. Thank you.
This is my dog. Her name's pinky.
No, it's not. Her name is stella.
It says right here on the tag. Look.
Uh, uh, uh, excuse me. Hi, sweetie. What's
your name?
Blanche.
Shut up. Mitchell would die.
Listen, we don't know you.
You seem like a very sweet little girl,
And right now we're forced to--
I can't believe I'm saying this to you--
rely on the kindness of strangers.
I'll sell her to you for $200.
That's it. Give me my dog.
Oh, really? The little girl thinks because
she can scream,
she can get away with everything? I can
scream, too.
What the hell sound is that?
Coyotes must've got a cat.
Jay, can we stop now? I'm getting hungry.
You know what the problem is? You're not
hungry.
I had a carrot at 3:00.
What if you couldn't feed your family
Unless you made this next sale?
What if you were gonna lose your house?
I know I was pushing the kid hard, but
here's the thing--
I'm an older dad. I'm not gonna be around
forever.
And I'll sleep better knowing he's got
something to fall back on.

Come on! Let's hit another one.
- I can't do it. - What?
- I don't have what it takes. - What kind
of talk is that?
It's the truth, Jay.
I'm not a great salesman. I'm not a great
businessman.
I'm not you.
Do you know what it's like to see all the
amazing things
You've accomplished, knowing I never will?
How am I supposed to live up to you?
How is anyone?
Ah, so the fish weren't biting today.
So what? That's life.
You tried hard, and that's what matters.
Yeah.
You know, I-I actually need some wrapping
paper.
You know where I can find some?
- You don't have to do that. - I want to
do it.
You'll never go broke playing to a rich
guy's ego---
Write that down.
Thanks so much, you guys.
Maybe you should make a wish.
Uh, hi. Oh, I'm sorry.
Um, I'm here for the Traffic Committee
meeting?
The meeting's been adjourned.
- Yeah. Um... - It's my birthday.
I'm sorry. Happy birthday.
Uh, just--someone sent me to the wrong
room,
and you guys don't meet again for months,
and this is pretty much a matter of life
and death, so...
Uh, yeah, it's fine.
Uh, just-- if you could make it quick.
We--it's an ice cream cake.
- Okay. - A-actually, it's not.
- What? - No.
Really? Oh, then we-- we're not in a rush,
I guess.
At all. No rush. Go ahead.
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Great. My name is Claire Dunphy,
and my family and I live near
- that intersection of -- - Why not? Why
not?
The freezer was broken, and we couldn't
keep it here.
See? This is why I ask you to think ahead,
okay?
Do you have your 50 signatures?
Uh, almost. I have 34, but I--
Oh. That's the same thing.
Wow. I'm confused.
- It's not the same thing. - No.
No. 34 is not the same thing as 50,
just like a cake is not the same thing
- as an ice cream cake. -Right.
- I get that. Sir, I'm trying to save lives
here, - Mom
- and I can get you the rest of the
signatures. - Mom. Mom. Mom.
- Mom! -Oh, my god. What are you doing here?
Girls.
We--we went door to door and we got you 20
more signatures.
That is so sweet of you.
Well, you were freaking out at us, so...
Okay, you know, let's not ruin it.
All right, 54 signatures.
So what do you say?
Let's start saving lives one intersection
at a time.
Okay, thank you very much.
We will, uh, take these under advisement.
just leave 'em here, and thank you--
Wait a minute. I know what that means.
Oh, here we go.
That's Washington-speak for "Get lost."
Well, um, wow, Phil.
what are you doing here?
I'm your husband.
I'm blindsiding you.
Your honor, permission to approach.
- Not a judge. -I'll allow it.
I'll get straight to the point because this
is important,
and that appears to be an ice cream cake.
 Modern.Family.S03E04
Well, it's not! But I just-- I took Lily to the park,
Okay. I present to you and I completely put it out of my mind.
"Stop in the name of life." And I think I really cleared a hurdle today.
Kick it. Oh, that's great. I'm super proud of you,
Clive Bixby. And you're--and you're not even tempted to
Can I meet you at Harry's bar in two clean it up now?
minutes? - No! -That's great.
Baby, I can do anything in two minutes. No, not now that you're home.
I'll just speed through So guess I'd better get started.
the intersection of Greenleaf and Bristol. Yeah.
It's easy 'cause there's no stop sign. I don't like it.
I love being a kid. It's so gross.
I have my whole life ahead of me. Oh, my god.
No! What?
No! I was right. You wanted me to clean it up.
No! Oh, that's preposterous.
Okay. Well... I will not stand here and take this from
Powerful. you.
And unconventional, but I believe it makes Oh, Cam!
our point, "Life is messy. I love chaos."
so what do you say? You are so full of it. Well, you know what?
Well, the kid was all right. I didn't care That's all right. No worries. Hey, come on.
for you so much. Come on. Just embrace it. It's life.
But if I were to give a stop sign Oh! Okay, now that is gratuitous.
to everybody who wanted a stop sign... - Oh, it's okay. - No! That's Lily's
mm-hmm. favorite cereal.
This city would grind to a halt. This is ridiculous.
- I understand, sir, but-- - Thank you, Relax! Hey, Lily! Honey, come here!
ma'am. Sweetheart, do you want a princess hat?
- Thank you. Thank you. -Allow me. Allow Yes! Yes! Yes!
me. Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, Oh. Oh, okay. That--that is enough! No!
I've lived with this woman for 20 years. You've proven your point. I don't like to
If she wants a stop sign... clean up.
There's gonna be a stop sign. It's smelly, it's sticky, and after I eat,
Mm-hmm. He's right. I'm tired, and I just want to lay down.
- Listen to the man. -Yeah. And you put it off, knowing that I would
Still--no good? do it?
No bueno? Yes! Are you happy?
I'm home! Yes... I... Am.
Oh, hey. Did you find Stella? Hi. I'm Ellen Roberts from the adoption
Safe and sound. Mm. agency.
I did it! I left the mess. Aren't you proud I'm... Here for the home visit.
of me? I might need to tweak my system.
I sure am. Good for you! Hey, dad. Think fast.
You know, it wasn't easy at first, Sacagawea!

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-【387】-
 Modern.Family.S03E04
Wait,wait,wait...I need a break.
Oh! John philip sousa!
78 views.
We are on our way.
Yeah, we are.
You know what, Lukey? My dad was away a lot.
And I'm not gonna do that to you.
I'm gonna be the kind of dad...
How many more of these do you wanna do?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【388】-

Modern.Family.S03E05
Hey, sir. Duane Bailey, running for, uh,
town council reelection.
- Oh, don't look. There's that jerk Duane
Bailey. - Oh, yuck.
I should say something to him, shouldn't
I?
I gotta be honest, I was just walking off
your tone.
Who's Duane Bailey and why do we hate him?
Honey, he's that councilman who shot down
my stop sign.
- Big phony - Yeah.
Hey! Duane Bailey seeking reelection town
council.
Hope I can count on your vote.
Well, you just got it.
You don't remember meeting me,do you.
Claire Dunphy,last month town council
meeting.
Oh, yes I do.
Yes I remember you.
I want a stop sign.
Just having fun. Here, have a pen.
"Duane bailey.
Councilman. Citizen. Puggle breeder."
I love them.
Because they're a different mix of breeds,
just like America.
I like what he's saying, Claire.
- He isn't saying anything. - Look at his...
We need a stop sign at our intersection.
Everyone says that,
But pretty soon,
we're stopping at every single corner.
Why don't you go ask Canada how that's
working out?
- He nailed it. - Hi. Duane Bailey.
"Actor/writer/director who packs a punch."
- Oh, Sylvester Stallone. - Sylvester
Stallone.
I said it first.
Oh, my god.
This guy brought his kids, Mitchell.
What, to this movie? Isn't it supposed to
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-【389】-
Modern.Family.S03E05
be super violent?
I'm sorry. I don't mean to overstep, but
I don't know
that this movie is really appropriate for
children.
I'm terrified to see it. That's why we're
here during the day.
It's okay. We're good.
Okay.
I tried.
Yeah. All you can do.
You know, I've--I've read this book,
And I know what's gonna happen, and it's
very disturbing.
I really think you might be inviting
some pretty serious nightmares here.
Hey, buddy, they're my kids. I got it.
Yeah, but I don't think you do.
Cam. Cam. He says he's got it, all right?
You said your piece. Just watch the movie.
Oh, uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.
- I really must insist you not traumatize
your kids... - Cam.
- by exposing them to gratuitous violence...
- Stop it. Shh!
- and graphic depictions of-- - Daddy, I'm
scared.
Yeah, well, you're gonna be.
I'm gonna tell you one more time.
- No, I'm gonna tell you one more time. -
Okay.
It was "The Muppet" Movie.
We were in the wrong theater.
Enjoy the show. I was always a fan of the
Muppets,
Especially the two guys in the theater
- who wouldn't shut up. - Just leave.
- Hello? - I'm running late.
This knucklehead's kept me waiting for over
an hour.
I never had to wait like this when his dad
was running things.
Yeah.
And soda was a nickel.,
Just tell them that your family is coming
over.

This guy fired his own father.
He's not gonna care about my family.
Okay, then just leave.
You don't need his money.
Once a week, I have eight family members
coming to my house for free food.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. I see you when I see you.
Are you okay? What is wrong?
I want to be homeschooled.
Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you
English?
What is going on?
I have a big report due,
And the teachers don't seem to care about
the substance.
All they care about is the flash.
Manny, sometimes you can be a little bit
old-fashioned.
Remember the first time
you saw the kids with the backpacks with
wheels
and you thought they were too flashy?
You're going to school, not boarding a
flight to Denver.,
It's getting absurd.
Reuben freestyle-rapped his report on
Irish immigrants.
That doesn't even make sense.
Maybe you do a Riverdance. Maybe.
- What is your report on? - The Mafia.
Perfect. We do a papier-mache Tommy gun.
Oh, no. We shouldn't have to jazz it up.
Okay, then we go upstairs and we get your
old rocking horse
and we chop the head off.
No, that's a terrible idea. I love Brownie!
Do you want to send a message or not?
Jay never wants me to help him with his
business,
And now suddenly, manny doesn't want to
listen to me either.
It's very frustrating.
I have all the answers.
Hey! There he is.
- Bring it in , Jay. How you doing, Joshie?
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Modern.Family.S03E05
- It's Josh now. - Have a seat.
Ah, all right.
So I flipped through your proposal,
And here's the thing--
We're about to build our largest luxury
condo complex yet.
And I have an important question for you--
what is it you want to build?
Closets.
See, I was kinda hoping you'd say "Dreams."
I thought that was implied.
Jay, I'm looking for closets nobody's ever
seen before,
You know, a big "Wow!"
You know what I'm saying?
You want a nice closet with sharp design,
quality materials, and expert
craftsmanship.
Uh, I mean, I want it to be like, bam!
You know, people are gonna walk in there
and go
"Whoa! What do I hang first?"
I wanted to hang myself.
Yeah, let's talk more specific.
What exactly do you like and what don't you
like?
All right, fair enough. Uh...
I don't like this. This makes me sad.
I do like getting my mind blown.
I love your enthusiasm.
Uh, before I go off in the wrong direction,
How about an example?
All right, check this out.
So, like, three weeks ago, I'm down in South
Beach.
I walk into this thumpin' club.
Bartender says, "What do you wanna drink?"
I say, "Wow me."
He mixes this thing together. I take one
sip,
and I'm like, "Hello, nurse!"
And she's like, "You've been unconscious
for two days."
That's what I want in a closet.
I don't think I need to hear any more.
Whatcha doing there? Homework?

What do you want?
I need to borrow some money. It's really
important.
How much?
What?!
Come on. If you were in trouble,
I would do anything for you.
We're not just sisters.
We're best friends.
Look, I would if I could,
but I don't have any money.
And since we're talking,
I never told anyone this before, and it...
...wipe that smug smile off his stupid
face.
His face is stupid.
Oh! I can't believe ridiculous people like
him end up in office.
Well, why don't you run?
You're smart, you care about the community,
and you're easy on the eyes when you put
a little effort into it.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, you know,
maybe change out of the sweaty gym clothes
every once in while.
I thought you were talking about running
for office.
Go on.
I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought
about it.
I mean, I know it's a ridiculous little
local thing,
but it might be fun to get out there and
contribute.
Plus I think I'd be good at it.
- You'd be great. - Mm. How would this work?
I mean, who would be here for the kids after
school?
Who would take them to practice and
recitals
and keep them from burning the house down?
It must be so hard being a single mom.
Claire, I will.
If you wanna fly,
I'm not gonna hold your feet to the ground.
Hmm.
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I wanna be the one to push you off the cliff.
I think I'm gonna do it.
Great.
- Go fly. - Phil.
- No. - Oh, phil!
I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful
women--
Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice,
Serena Williams--
Wait a minute.
- Do you want a fry? - No, I can't eat.
We should've stayed and seen "The Muppets."
I can't even look at ketchup without seeing
blood.
Ooh, runaway curly fry. You know these are
good luck.
- Oh, my god. What was that? - We just got
rear-ended.
Oh, pull off to the side street. Pull off
to the side street.
- Are you okay? - Oh, I think I cut the roof
of my mouth on the straw.
- Oh, my god. Mm! - So yes.
Oh, boy.
I am so sorry. This is all my fault.
Are you guys okay?
W-well, I-I sustained a minor mouth injury.
We're fine. Thank you. It's...
Look, I feel terrible.
Um, don't worry. I'm gonna take care of
everything.
Let me just get my insurance info.
Okay. Thank you.
Well, he seems nice.
You know, if this were a romantic comedy,
this would be our meet cute.
We'd spend the rest of the afternoon
drinking wine, eating food,
flying a kite, you know, doing montage-y
stuff.
Yeah, am I in this movie of yours?
Yeah, you're the gay best friend.
- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god! We have a runner!
Um, it's d-w-y-- I can't read it.
- Come on! Let's go! Let's go! - Go where?
- We have to chase him down! - No, we're
 Modern.Family.S03E05
not supposed to do that! Do you know why, of all the dogs in the
Help! Stop that car! world,
He's getting away! Help! I breed puggles?
Yeah, you almost got him, Cam. You almost Why do I feel like this is a rhetorical
got him. question,
He's getting away! - And you're about to l-- - It's because
Whatcha doing? Playing? they're lovable, yes,
Yeah. but they're also tenacious hunters who
Do you have any money saved up? won't quit
I'm comfortable. until the kill is complete.
I've saved $1,217. Really? 'cause I feel like they just yip
It wasn't even that hard. a lot.
Don't forget your lunch. Look, lady, you're going down.
Thanks, mom. I've won six straight elections.
Don't forget your lunch money, buddy. I don't plan on losing to some bored
Thanks, dad. housewife,
You bet. so don't quit your lack of a day job.
Please. It's really important. Excuse me!
Look, I'd love to help you out, Excuse me!
but I'm not very liquid right now. Excuse me.
It's in a block of ice. Hello?
I got the idea Anne.
when I heard about rich guys with frozen Haley did that?
assets. Oh, god. Okay. Um...
Assets. I'll call you right back.
I am running for town council, For your information, sir,
and I understand that I can pick up a form I am no bored housewife.
here. No, I-I would kill for "Bored." Why isn't
Fourth floor. this lighting up?
Elevator down the hall. Oh, it's because it's, uh, staff only.
Beyonce, when'd you start working here? Here. Allow me to...
Oh, Duane. He's always saying stuff like Not get that for you.
that. Good luck!
Duane Bailey. Running for reelection. Dad, I cut my arm.
You're joking. Oh, wow. You sure did, buddy.
I just saw you in the parking lot two hours I'll get you fixed up.
ago. Where's mom?
Oh, hey. It's you! She belongs to the people now.
Oh, it's you. My allergies are acting up again.
What... Are you doing here? Well, it is your lucky day,
I am entering the race for town council, Because, missy,
and I am running against you. Dr. Dad has everything you need.
Oh. Well, don't you have pluck. Behold the healing powers of grape
No, I plan on winning, so... flavoring.
Oh, yeah, I bet you do. Where's mom?
Marcia! Rocking the bangs! Love it. Some people took her.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【392】-

Drink this.
Listen, guys, your mom is taking on more
responsibilities
outside of the... house,
But don't you worry.
Good old... Dad-- oh, my goodness!
I'm so sorry!
You punched me!
Dad, you gave me the drowsy kind.
There's a drowsy kind?!
I have to study for a test!
Oh! It really hurts!
- Well, I'll get you some ice. - No. No,
no, no.
I'll get it.
Oh, you made it. How was it?
Why? What's wrong, babe?
- I don't want to talk about it. - Do it
anyways.
Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business
about ten minutes.
He barely looks at my proposal,
and he says he wants more "Wow."
What does he mean by more "Wow"?
It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
What do beavers have to do with anything?
The beavers--they build the dams all over
the country
so there's no floods,
is the "Beaver-ization" Of the Americas.
I'm finding there's less and less we can
talk about.
So why didn't you tell him
that you've been in the business for such
a long time--
It's not gonna make any difference.
He wants to make a change.
And I got a factory full of people depending
on this.
- Yeah, but maybe if you tell him that --
- Gloria, please.
I-I-I've had a tough day.
Can we please not talk about it?
But I want to help.
Trust me. I wish you had the answers.
I do!
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Modern.Family.S03E05
- Hey, guys. - Hey, grandpa.
- Hey, Jay. - What's with her?
Just tired. Growth spurt.
- Hi, guys. - Hi, baby girl.
Hola, Lily. How are you?
Dads are fighting.
No, uh, we're not fighting.
No, not at all, honey.
No. Okay, uh, go play, sweetheart. Okay?
Let's go play with some blocks. Let's go
stack some blocks.
All right. Okay, the reason we're fighting
is 'cause this one thinks he's dirty Harry.
Having a hard time picturing Clint Eastwood
in that shirt.
Okay, let me ask you something.
Today, at a stoplight, a guy ran into our
car,
and then just took off.
I wanted to chase after him. Mitchell...
kept a level head and called the police.
Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy winning
the war on drugs?
Okay, so which one of us did the right
thing?
Hit and run. Gotta chase him down.
I chase the people all the time.
No. No. That's--that's irresponsible and
dangerous.
Okay, well, what if he had been armed?
He wasn't armed. He had a Hillary bumper
sticker.
This isn't an isolated incident.
This morning he flipped out at somebody at
the muppet movie.
You saw the muppet movie without me?
Oh, no.
No, honey. Just the first two numbers.
No, lily. Wait.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Phil, where are you, honey?
I need to talk to you. Do you know what our
daughter did?
Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
No, not her. Haley. Haley!
- Come over here. I want to talk to you.
-There she is.

Not a scratch on her.
Do you have something you want to say to
us?
- Uh... - Mm... Let me help you out here.
Fake ID's?
- What?! - Mm-hmm.
Haley tried to get her and her friends some
fake ID's.
I wasn't gonna use them for drinking.
We just wanted to get into this club to see
a band.
She took a bunch of money from them and then
she lost it.
- How much? - $900.
- Oh, my god! Oh! - You're kidding me!
It's not my fault!
I gave money to this guy. He's the one who
ripped us off.
What happened to your face?
- Oh. I ran into a door. - Yeah.
- What happened to your face? - Dad hit me.
It was an accident.
- Phil! - I was trying to open up a band-aid!
What's wrong with her?
- Growth spurt. - What's wrong with her?
- I drugged her. - Phil!
I accidentally gave her the nighttime
allergy medicine.
Mm. All right, one thing at a time.
Haley, how are you going to repay your
friends?
I don't know.
I know. You go there with a couple of guys--
She's gotta get the money back. Who is this
kid?
A guy at school's cousin's friend. He lives
in Gardena.
Well, if you know where he lives, just call
the police.
No cops. We can't afford a scandal right
now.
Claire's running for town council.
That was before,
when I thought you could take care of the
children.
I take my eye off the ball for one minute,
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and I've got one in a coma, one with a black
eye,
and one running a crime ring.
Well, to be fair, Haley started her crime
ring
when your eye was still on the ball.
It's not a crime ring.
I just gotta get my hands on that $900.
I know how the mafia would handle this.
The kid is right. I'm sick of these
smart-ass punks
who keep changing the rules
and think they can get away with anything
they want.
I'm gonna pay this guy a visit.
Haley, text me his address.
- I'm going with you. - Me, too.
Oh, no. No. Nobody's going anywhere.
Okay, we're not vigilantes.
Shotgun!
No! No weapons!
In my country, it is tradition
when the men are out seeking vengeance,
The women--they stay home, and they drink.
Sometimes I think you just make this stuff
up.
- Do you want a drink or not? - Oh, yeah.
So what happened?
You were running for office, and now you're
not?
Mm. I don't really want to talk about that.
I know. I am sick and tired of no one needing
my help.
You are going to tell me what is wrong,
and I'm gonna give you the right answer,
because I have all of them.
So why are you not running for office?
Because my family needs me too much.
You saw what just happened.
Why are you not running for office?
That doesn't work on me.
Why are you not running for office?!
Because I don't want to lose!
I--pfft!
I haven't done anything outside of my house
in 18 years.

I don't want the first thing I do to be a
complete failure.
Okay.
I'm gonna tell you a story about a little
girl
who entered a beauty pageant...
even though she was very, very scared that
she was going to lose.
Let me guess. You won.
Of course I won,
But I was talking about my cousin Maria
Conchita.
She had a nose like a toucan.
She stuffed her body in this bikini.
And at the end, she finished dead last.
How is that a good story?
Because she faced her fears, and it didn't
kill her.
What killed her two weeks later was a bus.
Are you serious?
Yes, because she couldn't see anything
coming with that big nose.
This guy has won six elections.
I am way out of my league.
Look, I don't know anything about this guy,
But I know that you're a tough lady,
and I come from a family of tough ladies.
And I have to say, sometimes you scare me
a little bit.
And I know that you're strong enough to win
And definitely strong enough to be okay if
you lose.
I scare you?
Are you kidding me?
I want thanksgiving at my house!
Why does everybody think I talk like that?
This is it.
W-w-wait. No, no. Come on. Do we have a
plan?
It doesn't seem like we have a plan.
Yeah, I got a plan. Either he gives us the
money,
Or he gets a private performance from
England Dan and John Ford Coley.
That's not a good plan. That's not even a
good band.
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If all you're gonna do is criticize, just
wait by the car.
Okay, fine.
I'll see you in jail.
It's gonna be a big adjustment for two of
you.
-Yeah? -You peter?
What do you want?
You know haley dunphy? You owe her $900.
-We're here to collect. -You dig?
I tried to call that girl, like, ten times,
But her voice mail was always... Full.
That does sound like Haley.
So how are you gonna make this right?
You guys want the money, right? That's
fine.
I don't need any hassle. Hold on.
I'll just... grab it.
That was easy.
He's lucky he didn't put up a fight.
I would've treated him to a reunion of
Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young!
-We got a runner! -Runner!
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
No. No. No.
No.
I got him!
-Oh, my god. You did! -Don't be so
surprised.
Help! He's slipping out of his skinny
jeans.
These are cute. I totally have these.
There you go!
Oh, you got it back! Thank you!
Hey, don't thank me. Thank your uncle
Mitchell.
He's the one who tackled the guy.
-I got grass stains. -Well, I will tell you
one thing.
I have learned my lesson.
Disappointing my family and friends
is punishment enough.
Nice try. You're grounded for two weeks.
Okay, we have big news.
Claire has decided to run for mayor after
 Modern.Family.S03E05
all. in the morning--
Thank you, but it's town council. I kid you not-- in a mexican strip joint.
It doesn't matter. You're not going to win You?
anyways. Uh, I used mine to rent some bowling shoes
But she's going to be okay. You see? and kept 'em.
I help the people. Suckers probably spent months
Why don't you two let me help you? trying to track down Dr. Richard Hertz.
Well, I can't speak for Jay, Think about it.
But I guess I'm just too proud to ask for
help.
Are you serious? She cuts your steak.
What about you?
I don't want to bother you with my business.
What else do I do every day?
I don't know. I'm guessing the gym.
And... One other thing?
Dad, you should listen to her. She might
really help you.
She could be an asset.
-Asset. -Heard it.
And look at the shelves over here.
They're for the shoes. Those are my
favorite ones.
So what do you think?
Wow!
Same... Exact... Closet.
We never needed fake I.D.S on the farm.
We figured if a 16-year-old could drive a
tractor,
He could drink a beer. Not at the same time,
of course.
It's Missouri, not Texas.
I used a fake I.D. to get into an "R"-rated
movie--
"The Fabulous Baker Boys."
I found the title to be misleading.
Lot of Michelle Pfeiffer-- that's all I'm
saying.
I remember when I got my fake I.D.
Me, too. Crazy times.
Hell, yeah. I tried to enlist in the army,
But they saw right through me, so me and
a bunch of guys
drove across state lines, we got a bunch
of booze.
We loaded up on fireworks, and I woke up

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-【396】-
 Modern.Family.S03E06
I really think she's starting to see what
Modern.Family.S03E06 college has to offer.
There she is. Oh, hang on, Claire.
The old library. That's some late nights Go, Bulldogs!
in there. Manny, who is this Bella girl?
Some of them I even spent studying. Don't And why is her name all over your notebook?
tell your mom. Bella's no girl, mom.
And maybe don't tell me. She has recently blossomed, like a purple
College! lilac in April.
He was shielding his eyes from the sun. What do you mean, she blossom?
Knew it when I hit it. Like, the poo-berty?
Phil is taking Haley to visit his alma Yeah.
mater. I'll get it.
Loved college. Hey, Gloria, your show's about to start.
Mm, we were hoping some of that enthusiasm Record it.
rubs off on her. No, the DVR's filling up.
Go Bullfrogs! Let's just watch and get it over with.
Dogs! Gloria's always saying
Bulldogs! we should do more stuff together.
I feel like you do that on purpose. So I agreed to watch this
No, it's just... crazy Colombian soap opera she loves.
I say "bull", and I can't remember it's "Fuego y hielo."
frogs or dogs. Which apparently, is Spanish for "Big hair
When I talk to my old branch from college. and yelling."
do we croak or do we bark? "Fire and ice."
I got it. It's about human suffering.
Hello? I relate to it.
No way! I'm just saying, the guy's a judge. He can
Haley, no way! Check it out! put a shirt on.
After a few beers, my buds and I would jump Ay, what is that?
on these lunch trays Oh, nothing.
and race down this same hill. Hop on. That doesn't look like a nothing. What is
- I don't want to to hop on. - Seriously, inside?
you'll get the giggles. Oh, it's just something I bought.
I don't want the giggles. I'm gonna go open it in my room.
Hey, honey. I don't like this.
- How's the trip going? - So good. Manny has never kept a secret from me.
Go, Bullfrogs. Don't worry about it.
It's dogs. What do you think it could be?
Oh, sorry. Well, right now I'm a little worried
How's Haley doing? it could be the rest of my evening.
She's... Mwah! Bye-bye. Love you.
She's loving it. She's loving it. Hey, Claire, listen. Uh, if you want,
I showed her the student union. We visited some of the moms are gonna stay and watch
the dorms. "Gone with the wind"
We sat in on a class. in my new screening room.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【397】-

I got pinot!
I would love to, but I'm not feeling that
great,
so I'm probably just gonna go home and rest.
Plus I've seen that movie.
No, I never saw "Gone with the Wind,"
But I have two kids at sleepovers,
And Haley's out of town with Phil.
That means I have one night to myself,
which happens once every never.
I am not spending it
with some gossipy mom who was mean to me
in high school.
I need a fun night out.
Yes.
What the hell is this? No.
I asked you guys for a fun night out, not
this.
I-I-I need music and dancing and secondhand
smoke.
Oh, please give this place a chance. It's
a great value.
The room is so cozy.
And the potpies are to die for.
Are you really comfortable with what you
just said?
Come on. What happened to the party people
who took me to a rave, and I got to wear
a tube top,
and I stuffed cash in a caged go-go boy's
speedo?
We're still party people.
Oh, Joanne, before I forget, can I get a
punch?
One away from a free potpie.
If that was your gay card, it would be
revoked.
Okay, you know what, Claire?
You're being a little high school you.
I am sorry, Mitchell, but I get one free
night,
And I can't spend it at a place
that is a proud supporter of Wilson
Elementary.
We all need to give back, Claire.
Give me back my night.
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-【398】-
Modern.Family.S03E06
Okay, well, Longinus did invite us to a
boutique opening,
You know, cocktails, DJ.
But it'll--it'll be a whole scene, though.
A scene? A scene is perfect. That's great.
I will get in the car before you guys change
your mind.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
So does that mean no potpies?
Uh, hey, Joanne? Two number nines to go.
Was I wrong?
Are these not the best wings you've ever
had in your life?
- Oh, my god. - And you didn't wanna get
40.
Oh, and by the way, this is just the start
of your evening.
Next up, it's over to the quad
for a musical interlude from tenors,
anyone?
- It's an all-male singing group... - Got
it.
Oh, hey!
Oh, hey. Weren't you on my tour this
morning?
Yeah, I'm Haley, and this is my d--
Big brother. You bought it for a second.
How are you? Oh, oops.
Okay. Anyway, you know what?
There is a student mixer going on tonight.
If you wanna go, me and a bunch of other
girls
are gonna head over there.
Oh! Uh, you know what? That's okay.
My dad's got this whole thing planned...
but thank you anyway.
No problem. Well, it was nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you.
How fun is this? Just me and you.
I was a little nervous
you wouldn't see what's so special about
this place.
Not that I'm pushing you to come here. You
know, you're--
You're gonna make your own decisions.
You wanna go with them, don't you?

No, we're doing our thing.
Yeah, quick. Before they leave.
- Are you sure? - Go. I can handle it.
You're not the first girl to leave me at
this table
with a plateful of chicken wings.
I'm kidding!
I wish I was kidding.
- I... - You weren't supposed to hear that.
Have fun.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you.
Nose job.
Butt lift.
Last summer, that thing was 4 inches off
the ground.
What do they do with all the butt they take
out?
I have a theory.
Oh, damn! Here comes my ex.
- Who? Randolph? - Marcus?
LaMichael?
No. Matt. I gotta go.
Drama. Love it!
This is what I wanted.
Who needs a drink?
I could use a little seltzer water.
More bubbly, Claire?
Mm, I will be after I get a drink.
See, that's what gay is supposed to be like.
Okay, I don't know about you,
but I got about five minutes of fabulous
left in me.
Yeah, in my mind, I'm already in our
kitchen.
I'm watching my potpie rotate in the
microwave.
Okay. Okay. When did hats come back?
That one's come back about eight times.
Pick a side of the room, lady.
All right, there's, like,
a thousand people waiting for wine.
I wanna try on a couple of dresses,
And then Julian here's gonna take us to a
club across town.
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-【399】-
Modern.Family.S03E06
I think we're gonna go home.
What? Why? It's 9:30.
It's 9:30?
When did you two become such old women?
First, you take me to that senior center
for porridge,
and now you can't even stay up past Luke's
bedtime?
- It's Friday. We get tired on fridays. -
We get very tired.
I have 3 children. I've been tired since
2005.
Let's rally. You're my ride.
If you want to stay out, I can take you home.
Really?
Of course.
Okay. All right, girls, go home,
roll up your hair, clap out the lights,
'cause this guy, who I just met,
is gonna show me a good time.
Okay, well, if he was straight,
this would be just like high school.
This is ridiculous.
She's obviously got a pistol under that
poncho.
How do you watch this stuff?
He's been up there for more than one hour.
- I can't stand this. - Who's been up there?
Ronaldo's doing the dishes right in front
of her.
Manny, in his bedroom.
Gloria, are you even watching this?
I'm doing this for you.
What does he has in that box that he cannot
show to me?
Little boys are supposed to keep secrets
from their mothers.
Wait. The judge just peeked through the
window.
Is he interested in Celia now?
She could be his daughter.
I bet it's a birthday gift for me.
Yeah, that sounds right. What's he saying?
I've never seen him this mad.
Wait a minute.
I already found my birthday gift underneath

his bed.
It's a giant hat.
When did hats came back anyway?
Now she's reaching under the poncho.
Like she's gonna shoot Ronaldo.
He's the main character, right?
That's it. I'm going up there.
Wait, Gloria. No. Don't go.
- Why not? - Think about it.
13-year-old boy, talks about girls all day
long.
We have more security on these computers
than the Pentagon.
What do you think he's doing up there...
Alone?
Do you think he ordered some movies?
Movies, magazines, whatever the hell.
How dare do you say that, Jay?!
He's a little boy! He's just a boy.
I don't want to talk to you. I'm gonna take
a walk.
Gloria, come on.
Come back. I know you're not mad at me.
You just...
Oh! What'd she do?
Ronaldo!
Wang chung!
Pay up, gentlemen!
Yes!
Thank you!
Really? That's so nice.
Another pitcher, my good woman.
Claire would have killed me if she'd known
that I let Haley go off alone
while I chilled in a bar with some
undergrads,
But I happen to trust my daughter.
Also, I was tracking her location with the
GPS on her phone.
Fellas, Cedar and Los alamos. That's, uh...
Pi chi house?
Pi chi?
Oh, come on. Why is my bluetooth not
working?
Oh, god. It's Longinus. He's gonna be so
mad at us.
第 4 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S03E06
Hey, Longe. Don't be mad at us for leaving.
I went back to our spot, and everybody was
gone.
Who does that to a sister?!
We're sorry, but the sitter called,
and, uh, lily was running a fever.
So... We feel even worse
about dumping Claire on you and your hot
date.
Who is gorgeous, by the way. Seems super
funny, too.
Perfect for you.
Please, I wish that was a date.
He's my trainer, and he's straight.
What? Julian's straight. Oh, I love it
when a straight person and a gay person go
out together.
I'd love it a lot more if he was gay.
Oh, my god. This isn't our car.
- What? - This isn't our Prius!
They--they must've given us the wrong one
at the valet.
That's why the bluetooth isn't working.
We stole a car? Are you serious?
What's happening?
Oh, we stole a car. Uh, we gotta go.
Okay, we did not steal a car, Cam. It was
given to us.
Why are you giving me attitude? You're the
one that stole a car.
How is this a stolen car?! How?!
I don't know! I'm confused!
Do you have an aspirin?
This isn't my car!
Hey, Lukie. Hi. What's going on?
Oh, I don't know.
I'll check.
I have it.
Well, I could bring it by
and meet you outside in 20 minutes?
No, sw--out--out-- outside, sweetie.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Do you mind swinging by my kid's sleepover?
I gotta give him this retainer.
It's on the way to the club.
Sure, no problem.

Oh! You are so sweet.
Holy pythons, batman. Do you ever leave the
gym?
Uh, no. Actually, I'm a trainer and a
masseur.
Oh, my god.
I'm gonna have to try out that second one.
Zip, please.
I gotta say,
this night is turning out to be a lot more
fun than I expected.
I've got two kids at sleepovers
and one upstate with daddy.
The fun is just beginning.
Unbelievable.
The valet gave our car away to someone,
like,
an hour and a half ago.
You know what that means.
Our potpies could be anywhere by now.
They probably went home. If--if we knew
their address,
maybe we could see if our car was there.
Oh, yeah. And how do you propose we do that?
Calculating route home.
Yeah.
Oh, you're good. Mm.
Oh, and look. Only .6 miles away.
Prepare to turn right in 500 feet.
Notice how she didn't wait
until after the turn to tell me, Cam?
Really? This? Now?
I'm just...
Oh, look. They went to see Jay-Z.
We almost went to see Jay-Z, didn't we?
- No, no, no, 'cause remember it started
at 8:30. - Oh, yeah,
which meant he wouldn't have gone on until
10:00.
And then that parking nightmare.
Oh, and those stairs.
Okay, I'm hearing it now.
Is Claire right? Are we in a rut?
Well, we might be, especially compared to
these people.
Look at this. Cancun luggage tickets.,
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【401】-
Modern.Family.S03E06
A parking pass to Yosemite.
A triathlon bib. This is living.
No, but you know what? We have Lily, okay?
- I know. - You can't do that with a child.
They have a car seat.
Okay, fine, we're in a rut.
Destination ahead in 900 feet.
You know, maybe we just need to be around
more stimulating people.
Well, we're gonna be in about 900 feet.
It's not the craziest idea. They seem like
fun people.
- Yeah, and maybe we can be new couples
friends with them. -Yeah.
You know, we can go out to concerts,
try exciting new food, maybe do some luxury
camping.
Yeah, hitch our wagon to their star
and see how fast they spice up our life.
You have arrived.
I believe we have.
You dumb son of a bitch!
- Oh, my god. - Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god. What's happening?!
I can't believe you came back here, you
filthy, cheating pig!
Where is she? Where is she?!
Back up, I said!
I'm trying! We are in a rut!
Really? You wanna talk about that right
now?
No, we are stuck! We're in an actual rut.
We're stuck.
Ohh! Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
We are victims of a hate crime right now!
- Go! Go! -Oh, my god!
Oh, no, you don't.
Dad, what are you doing here?
- What's this, buddy. - Ginger ale.
Oh, really? 'cause is smells-- okay, it
smells like ginger ale.
But that doesn't prove anything.
- What the hell? - We are leaving.
I'm having a nice time with--
With this clown? And by the way, it's a
little cliche

to pick someone who looks exactly like your
dad.
I got your number, pi chi.
- I know you. - Yeah, you do.
This is Ben Ford. He's in my class.
He's visiting, too.
You were my t-ball coach.
My dad's your doctor. He's right over
there.
What is wrong with you?
Are you trying to ruin college for me before
I even get here?
No, I-I'm not.
I am so sorry. You are not a clown.
You were an excellent backup shortstop.
Alecia. Bruce.
Go, Bullfrogs-- dogs!
Go, Bulldogs.
Claire!
Wow. Really?
No, it's just a shock, is all.
Jay?
So Celia's carrying the judge's baby.
No wonder she shot him. She's hormonal.
- Who are you talking to? -The housekeeper.
Maria, I've gotta go. Thanks a lot.
Jay, I need you to talk to manny.
- What? - Well, if he's doing what you think
he's doing,
Then he needs to talk to a man.
I don't want him to be ashame of anything.
Then you don't want to send me in there.
Yeah, but what if-- if he has questions?
What if he doesn't know how to--
Gloria, Gloria, whatever he's going
through,
he can work it out himself.
Help! I'm stuck!
Ay, no, Jay, go. I beg of you!
- Go! Go! Go! - Gloria.
I'm extremely reluctant to do this.
Please hurry!
Ay, no. I cannot look at this.
What the hell?
I can't get down, Jay.
What? What happened to Manny?!
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【402】-
Modern.Family.S03E06
-Ay, somebody say something to me! -Gloria,
It's okay.
Come on in.
Okay.
He was hanging from that bar up there.
What? Why? What do you have on your head?
It's a weighted helmet to stretch me so I
can get taller.
Manny! Why do you have to get tall now?
Love, mom. Why else?
I lost Bella to Durkus because,
in her words, "He's tall."
Everybody else is getting taller but me.
You think it's the coffee?
No.
Maybe. But--
But hanging downside up is not gonna help
you.
The web site said it would.
Listen, manny,
You're already intelligent and beautiful
and funny.
If you get tall, you're going to have
everything,
And those poor boys
Are not gonna have anything to compete with
you.
Look at this.
You have a mark on your head now.
I'm gonna go get you some ice, okay?
That's a lot of pretty words, but they don't
help me tomorrow.
Sorry, kid. It's just one of those things.
You get taller when you get taller.
Why don't you get ready for bed?
Ah, jeez.
You know, when I was your age,
I started working out to get the girls.
You think that would help?
Yeah. So tomorrow, we start working out.
Okay?
Maybe I'll even show you a few pull-ups
On, uh, this bad boy here, huh?
You see that?
Pretty soon, that's how strong... you're
gonna be.
 Modern.Family.S03E06
- Thanks, mom. - Shh! night.
- I don't want them to know I was here. - No, no. No, I have not.
Okay. - Bethenny, grab the pinot. - Bethenny, do
Oh, Claire, I thought that was you. not grab the pinot.
Thank god. Come in. You undressed in front of me. You squeezed
I can't. 'cause I'm sick, remember? Sorry. my arm.
Well, my DVD player just broke, You asked me for a massage. What was all
and none of us know how "Gone With the Wind" that?
Ends. That was--that was me safely objectifying
But you saw it, right? a gay person.
- Oh, is that Claire? - Yeah. Wow, Claire!
Can you tell us what happened? When I wrote "Don't ever change" in your
I could, but I don't want to ruin it for yearbook,
you. I didn't mean it like this.
No, we really need to know. We need to know. Oh, ease up, Holly.
Claire. Just tell us. -Um... Okay, I lied.
Scarlett is... really mad at Clark Gable I lied, but I get one night to myself,
Because, um, he says so many bad things. and I just wanted to spend it with some fun
And didn't he, um, burn down a farm or gay people.
something? It's not my fault this one decided to be
Claire, have you been drinking? straight.
I had a hot toddy. Made one for my throat., I've always been straight.
Pretty dressed up for a night in bed, right? Oh, you don't get to talk!
Yeah, I-I just threw on the first thing I I took fashion advice from you!
could find... Oh, my god. Do I even look good in this
when Luke called, and it was just right dress?
there on the chair. No. Not you.
She has a stamp on her hand. It's really short, isn't it?
Okay. All right. It's short.
Before we bust out the pitchforks and the Yeah.
torches, Please?
May I remind you Please, just listen to me for one second.
that I've driven every one of your children Go away! Stop following me!
home Hey, you wanna tell me why you're bothering
and heimliched at least one, Bethenny. this young lady?
- Hi. - Hello. Oh, no, no, no, no. Officer, this is my
This is totally inappropriate. But could daughter. Tell him.
I use your bathroom? Tonight, I don't know who you are.
Sorry. You kept pushing the drinks. She's... she's joking.
I--friend. Gay friend. Gay. I'm not dangerous.
- I-I'm not gay. -Yes, you are. In fact, I-I-I helped to put all the lights
I-I'm not gay. I'm--I'm french. on this path.
You thought I was gay? 20 years ago,
- Are you serious right now? - Well, are some friends and I took back the night.
you? So...
You've been throwing yourself at me all I-I think I just...

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【403】-
 Modern.Family.S03E06
- I embarrassed her a little. - "A little"? "Thanks to our patented lengthenator,
That sweatshirt embarrasses me "A little." you can increase your height by up to 4
Yep, that's a daughter. inches."
Tonight was insane. I can't believe he would spend $50 on this
Why did you have to act like that? thing.
You were at that party. I know.
I see you talking to frat boys, and-- He could've got a 2-year subscription to
Isn't that why we're here, so I can "Playboy" For that.
experience college? He's not getting the "Playboy" Ever! Ow!
I mean, what are you gonna do when I He's a little boy!
actually go? Wouldn't it be great if we woke up tomorrow
I don't know. Freak out, I think. and our car had found its way home?
Look... Yeah, I feel that's not the way it's gonna
Your whole life, my job has been to protect happen.
you-- Happened on the farm one time.
A job I kinda love. A tornado scooped up one of our calves,
Now I feel like I'm being forced into early Dropped it who knows where. Six months
retirement. later,
I just needed to find you and make sure you A full-grown cow comes walking up the
were okay... driveway--
For as long as I still get to do that. Same markings, same moo.
Just like you-- - That night, we-- - We ate like kings.
Piss me off and then say something sweet. Okay, I've told it before.
I'm not leaving until the fall. oh, my gosh! It's our car!
Maybe by then I can figure out I see you've met my wife.
how to put a force field around you.
I've been working on that one
Since the first time I tried to fasten you
into your car seat.
I pinched your chunky little thigh.
Even though you basically just called me
fat.
So...
Is it really fun?
What?
No!
We all struggle with limitations...
Some we're willing to accept...
You know, I just wanna be home,
reading on opposite ends of the sofa.
And some we're not.
I'm so embarrassed I did that.
I'm just so happy that that was all it was.
Why? What'd you think I was doing?
It's never too late to grow in life.
Oh, my god!

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-【404】-

Modern.Family.S03E07
Honey, what is all this?
Hey, Mam, I'm trying to write these stupid
college essay questions.
And I really even don't know how to start.
OK, what's the question? Tell me.
"what's the biggest obstacle you've ever
had to overcome?"
Didn't my third grade teacher say
I had,Like, A.D.D. or something?
Oh, no, honey. She said you couldn't ADD.
and she put it that way because she also
knew you couldn't s-p-e-l-l.
Wait,slow down... Oh...
Sweet heart.
What's this?
We talked about this last week.
I said i'm building luke a tree house. You
said "fine."
You know,sometimes I think you just tune
me out.
I never told her. She just would have said
"No."
I don't remember agreeing to this, Phil.
This is like the time you backed down the
driveway
with a hang glider sticking out of the car.
If you'd let me keep that,
Those geese would have followed me to the
wetlands.
-You would have died. -A hero.
So we spread out a nice blanket,
opened up a bottle of vino,
and watched the sun set over the water.
It was majestic.
Majestic.
Why? Why we never have the picnic?
Who wants to sit on a blanket? There's no
back support.
It's majestic.
Last week, Shorty took me to see the cirque
du soleil--
It's like a circus, but classy.
So if you like elephants,
don't hold your breath.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【405】-
Modern.Family.S03E07
She's so cute.
Jay hates the crowds, the beach, the
rainbows.
Rainbows? It's just colors in the sky.
Do we have to pull over every time and take
a picture?
Shame. There's an expression in Italian,
Jay--
Dammi la tua mano e corriamo uniti per tutta
la vita.
"Give me your hand and we will run together
our whole lives."
Jay also hates running.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
-And here you go. -Oh. What is this?
You said to knock your socks off.
Oh, well, look. It's already working!
Well, two more of those,
and you won't be wearing any underwear
either.
-Oh! Look... -Cam, down. Down.
-Maybe later. -Oh, okay, maybe... Maybe
later.
Did you hear that? Waitress is flirting
with me.
No, no. She's not flirting with you.
She's--she's trolling for tips, okay?
She totally knows you're gay.
How would she know I'm gay?
Uh, maybe it's the way you ordered a
drink-a-doodle-doo.
Cam has this crazy theory that if he were
straight...
And Julia Roberts were single...
-They'd be dating. -It's not crazy.
I met her once at an A.I.D.S. Walk,
and our chemistry was palpable.
No, you handed her a bottle of water.
And her fingers lingered.
Because you wouldn't let go.
I could totally pick up any woman in here.
If by that, you mean lift her off the
ground,
then yes, I'll give you that.
I for sure could be a womanizer.

Or you could be someone
who just stepped out of a machine called
the womanizer.
Okay, you know what? That's it.
Pick anyone in here.
If I can get their number, you do the
laundry for a month.
If I fail, I'll do it.
Okay. I hate doing laundry. So, um...
No, um...
Oh, okay. Right here.
Her.
Okay, great.
Great. Just get rid of my flair...
Whoa. Where did Cam go?
I don't know. Where is he?
Dinner was absolutely wonderful.
Amazing.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't you guys come salsa dancing with
us tomorrow night?
Oh, yeah! That would be great!
It sounds like so much fun. I love salsa
dancing.
Jay, let's go salsa dancing with them.
Look.
Why not?
I just bought that pay-per-view fight.
I tell you what-- we'll compromise.
We'll watch the fight. We'll eat salsa.
Who needs him? Come dancing with us.
Ay, no, I wouldn't want to--
No, no! You'd be doing me a favor.
Shorty never wants to stop, and I could use
a break.
You hear that Jay? I never stop.
All I hear is she could use a break.
Hey! Oh, my god! How are you?
Wow. Look at you. You look fantastic.
Thank you. So do you.
How long has it been?
-It feels like forever. -Yeah.
Um, when is the last time we saw each other?
Oh, let's see. I think it was at Dave's
thing.
You know what? I'm sorry.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【406】-
Modern.Family.S03E07
I don't know if you've heard.
I was in a terrible car accident,
And ever since the coma,
I have a really hard time placing names and
faces.
So who are you again?
Oh, my god. I am so sorry.
It was just a clever way to try to approach
you.
We don't know each other.
I've never been in a coma.
But you so deserved that. That was the worst
pick-up ever.
Oh, my god!
That was genius! And mean!
Now I know why we're old fake friends.
Oh. Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah. I'm Katie.
Cameron.
If she were a hot guy,
I would never have been that smooth.
It's ironic.
Like the gift of the vagi.,
There you go.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- You, too. Bye! - Bye!
Wham, bam, thank you, Cam.
Seriously? You got her number?
Sure did. and all my shirts get ironed,
And their seams should appear straight,
Just like their owner.
Should you be using screws instead of
nails?
America was built with nails, son.
So was that gazebo you built for our 4th
of July party.
I'm telling you, you are gonna love this
bad boy.
You know what can't climb trees?
Raccoons?
Worries.
Raccoons can and will get up here,
so don't leave any food,
or they'll get territorial and attack.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Are you kidding me?
 Modern.Family.S03E07
You're gonna have so much fun hanging out I don't understand.
up here with your buddies. Oh, honey, you're old enough now.
Trust me, when you get older, it all Old enough for what?
changes. The truth.
- Why? - Well, life gets in the way. Okay, come on. Gotta show you somethin'.
Did I just say "Wife gets in the way"? We're gonna go for a ride.
'cause sometimes I do that. Mom, just tell me.
Nope, you're good. You are my mom, right?
And you have lots of friends. I'm a bad man.
Yeah, I have work friends, Oh, no. What did you eat?
And your mom and I have couples friends, Mitchell, remember the girl I met last
And there are my college friends, night?
But they're scattered all over the country. How can I forget her?
It's not the same as just shouting out She's super famous for having the world's
to your neighborhood buddies, worst gay-dar.
"Hey, fellas! I'm up here in the tree How could I be so cavalier with her
house!" Uhh! emotions?
Fix that... board. You know, we had a real connection.
I can't do this. She gave me her number,
Why are you so frustrated? And right now she's probably sitting by the
Because I've never had any obstacles to phone
overcome. waiting for me to call.
Oh, honey, that's not true. I don't think you understand how charmed
Really? Name one. she was by me.
You're lactose-intolerant. Oh, my god. Where did you get all this
Oh, "Dear college, cheese makes me gassy. self-confidence?
See you in September." I won cutest baby at the 1974 Jasper County
Sweetie, you're not really starting your Fair.
essays People at the time said I could go Gerber.,
"Dear college," Are you? You know what? I'm calling her.
What difference does it make? What?
I've lived a boring, sheltered, pathetic No, I can't carry this around.
life. I have to come clean so she can move on with
I am sorry we have made things too easy and her life.
comfortable for you. This is crazy. She is not waiting--
Oh, you should be! It is all your fault! Hi. Katie. It's Cam.
You have shielded me First ring.
from everything interesting and dangerous! I was hoping I would call, too.
You are blaming me Oh, smooth.
because I kept you from getting hurt? So listen, I forgot to mention something
Gaby's mom's a hoarder. last night,
That essay practically writes itself. and I'm--I'm actually not really quite sure
Maybe it is our fault. how to say this.
But did you ever consider there's a reason? I'm a gay guy.
What are you talking about? Um, it's actually somewhat delicate.
There's a reason why we were so easy on you. As am I, on account of the gay.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【407】-

No, no, I had a great time with you, too,
Katie.
It's--well, it's just that--
- I don't dig the ladies. - No, no. And I
want you to sit--
I want you to have a seat on a chaise lounge.
Hey, you wanna go out and
grab some dinner before the fight tonight?
No, thank you.
Wanna eat at home?
I'll grill some steaks, open a bottle of
wine.
Whatever you want, because I'm not going
to be here.
She's going Salsa Dancing without me.
Ay, Manny, I told you, it's a 21 and over
club.
A forbidden dance floor. Only makes me want
it more.
Wait a second. You're going dancing with
Shorty and Darlene?
Yes, because even though he's old like you,
he still likes to have fun.
We like to have fun.
Last week I took you to dinner,
went to the boat show,
got some sherbet?
And we were home by 8:30 with no boat.
What do you want from me? I don't like
dancing.
- I don't like sherbet. - Yeah, right.
How about coconut?
Who doesn't like the coconut, hmm? Who?
And anyways, I'm going dancing with or
without you.
Fine. I hope you have a good time with
Shorty.
I don't need Shorty!
I won't have any problem finding a partner
on my own!
Wow. Way to rub it in, mom.
How'd it go, heartbreaker?
That is one classy lady...
- Which is why I couldn't tell her. - What?
Well... I just couldn't do it on the phone.
She seemed so excited to hear from me,
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【408】-
Modern.Family.S03E07
and I'm very bad at disappointing people,
Mitchell.
Not all people.
Mama was right when she said
my charm was like a wild stallion--
If not properly bridled, it'll bust down
a barn.
Okay, you wanna get rid of your girlfriend?
Tell her that story.
Maybe I will when she comes over. She's
coming over.
Are you serious?
She said she was in the area running
errands.
What was I supposed to say, "Don't come
over"?
Well, I guess I could have said that,
but it's too late now,
Plus I wanna break it to her gently.
So come on. Help me un-gay this place.
You know what? I'll make it less gay by
half.
Oh, these flowers should go, too.
You mean the ones underneath
the portrait of you cuddling another man?
Oh, good catch.
Manny.
What's up, big guy?
How hard is it to learn this salsa dancing
stuff?
Not hard at all.
It's about tapping into your emotion,
your passion, and your inner fire.
Crap!
I stink at dancing.
First dance at our wedding,
Gloria was all graceful and gorgeous,
and I was all big and clunky.
Like that scene from "Beauty and the
beast."
Actually, that was the song.
Manny picked it.
He didn't like me back then.
Back straight. Okay.
Do as I do.
Other leg.

Okay, stop marching.
You're dancing, not invading Poland.
Hello, hi!
I'm looking for Jay Pritchett.
He's about 6'2", tough guy,
wrestles with homophobia...
The hell are you doing here?
Uh, I had to get out of the house.
Cam needed a little alone time with his new
girlfriend.
- Don't ask. - Don't tell.
What's going on here?
He's learning to dance, but he's just so
tense.
- It's not working out. - 'cause you're not
letting go.
I'm trying. Don't you think I want to be
all smooth
and make your mom happy out there?
But I just can't do it, that's all.
Jay, I'm not giving up on you.
Okay. Hey, Manny, would you give us a
second?
Thanks.
Dad, look, I-I know this is weird,
but you and I are a lot alike.
We're self-conscious, okay?
So, um, here. Just...
The hell is this?
It's just something that some people take
at clubs
to, you know, loosen up.
You take this?
A gay man who hates dancing
Lives in a sad and lonely little world.
This just melts your inhibitions,
And--and you can dance all night,
Plus it gives you a raging--
I don't wanna--
I don't like this at all.
Just hold on to it. Just in case.
Come on. It's fine.
Jay, I wanna show you something.
A farmer in new zealand taught a pig to
dance.
See how he keeps his snout up?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【409】-
Modern.Family.S03E07
Yep. This is it.
This is what?
This.
I-I can't do this. I can't get out of the
car.
I'm sorry. I'm too embarrassed.
Would you just tell me what's going on?
Okay. I-I want you to go read
what's carved in that tree.
Mom, you're freaking me out.
Just do it. Do it, Haley.
Have fun getting home!
There's your obstacle!
What?! Are you kidding me?!
Oh! Son of a...
Brisket! Why does that keep happening?
Maybe I need a nail gun.
Okay, that's it! I'm out!
What do you mean, you're out?
Where are you going?
Dad, no offense,
But I've seen you with a glue gun.
I think a nail is gonna be harder to get
out of my hair.
No, don't go! I'm doing this for you!
Are you, dad?
Are you?
The kid made me think with that one.
Who was I really doing this for?
Sometimes I just say,
"Are you, dad? Are you?"
Because he gets real quiet
And doesn't notice when I walk away.
It's weird,
because I feel so comfortable around you
already.
You know, last night when I got home,
I just started thinking about
all of the fun things that we could do
together, you know?
Yeah.
I don't wanna scare you off,
But my sister's getting married in a couple
of weeks,
And I so don't wanna go to that thing alone.
Maybe you could be my date?

Katie, you're an amazing woman.
You're smart, you're beautiful,
And how fun is that handbag?
This is gonna come as a little bit of a
shock.
I'm fairly gay.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm--I'm totally gay.
Just gay.
You're telling me you're gay?
Yeah.
Why?
I was born that way. I mean, you know, it's
just--
No, why are you telling me?
I mean, I know you're gay.
It's obvious.
Well, it's not that-- it's not that
obvious.
Well, yeah.
The way you talk and walk and dress
And your theatrical hand gestures--
I do not have theatrical hand gestures.
Okay, maybe I am moderately...expressive.
But why would you give me your number?
Oh, because I want a gay friend--
Someone I can dish with,
Give me guy advice, and I can shop with--
Those are totally offensive stereotypes.
We could go see Julia Roberts movies
together.
I know her, and she's as nice as she seems
on screen.
- Shut up. Really? Is she? - She is, yeah.
Wait, what--so you were pretending to be
straight,
And hitting on me?
I was just a stupid bar bet.
My boyfriend--oh, he's here...
Bet me that I couldn't get a beautiful
woman's number.
And as a proud gay man, I know it shouldn't
matter,
But I-I just wish everyone could find me
attractive.
Oh. But now he's gonna get to gloat,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【410】-
Modern.Family.S03E07
And I guess I deserve it.
Oh my god!
How's--how's it going?
Hello.
This is Katie, and, uh, it turns out,
well...
No, actually.
It doesn't turn out well.
Because I thought I finally met a nice,
funny guy,
Who is also hot!
And now he's telling me he's gay?!
He's, like, the least gay person i have ever
met in my entire life!
And I thought he was the one!
And I even told my mom about him!
You better cherish him!
Are you sure you're gay?
- No. - Cam.
Yes.
Yes. Look...
You're gonna find somebody,
Because you're an amazing girl, Katie.
You're the whole package.
I just prefer somebody who has one.
Okay.
Oh... My... God!
That was a lot of girl tongue!
I think I need a drink-a-doodle-doo.
What was that?
Hello, Haley. How was your day?
I have no money, no cell phone...
You're welcome.
What?!
I listened to you.
I stopped coddling you, and look--
You overcame an obstacle.
Oh! Yeah! I did!
I grew up normal despite my crazy mom!
Well, that sounds like the beginning of a
great essay.
"Dear college..."
Oh, honey, if you get stuck, let me know,
And I'll make you sleep out in the yard.
You're psychotic!
Use spell check!

Don't just sit there! Get out here!
I'm good, I'm good.
Okay!
Hola! You're looking so good!
How long has it been?
We don't know each other. Go away.
Fair enough.
Hola!
You're looking so good. How long has it
been?
What was wrong with that guy?
Yeah, I would have danced with him.
He's got nice shoulders.
Aw, you know, Salsa is so intimate and
sensual
that it feels wrong to do it with somebody
else that is not Jay.
Aw. You know, Darlene feels the same way.
If I wasn't here, she's be holding up the
wall.
Yeah. A wall of men.
You know, I think I should go home to my
loving husband
and pull him close and tell him that I
danced with 20 men.
He's not home.
He's in a dicey neighborhood
worried about his car.
Jay!
What, are we gonna kiss or dance?
Let's dance!
I'm dead set against drugs.
"Just say no" And all that stuff.
But I thought,
Just this once for Gloria.
And if I was gonna make a complete ass of
myself,
I didn't wanna remember it.
The big drug I gave him-- baby aspirin.
Orange-flavored.
He could have chewed it.
Home come you never surprise me like that?
I do surprise you.
No, you don't. You never surprise me...
That's gonna be a hell of a tree house.
Oh, thanks. I'm trying.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【411】-
Modern.Family.S03E07
It's for my son, but he's kind of lost
interest.
It's kind of like my daughter with the dog.
Which is why I'm the one out here doing
this.
Did you just move in?
Lived here eight years. You?
You know, me and my friends,
We, uh, we built a te house when I was a
kid.
We spent hours in that thing.
Loved it.
Me, too.
You need any help?
Yes, a lot.
But I-I don't wanna bother you.
Only thing that bothers me
is that drunken amish roof you got up there.
Do you even have a level?
I did, but I might have gotten frustrated
and thrown it into your yard.
Let me find it. I'll be right over.
Thanks.
I'm Phil, by the way.
I'm Andre. Nice to meet you, phil.
Nice to meet you, Andre.
So I guess I was wrong when I said once you
get older,
it's harder to make new friends.
Hey, honey! There's a dude in the tree
that's cool!
Andre, it turns out, is an orthopedic
surgeon,
Handy with tools, and a great guy to hang
out with.
Plus he's a badass black man
that gives me extra street cred.
That's his joke.
He's my brotha from a different motha.
- What was that? - Different--
- That's not it. - What is it?
It's "Brother from another mother."
Brotha from anotha motha--
Slow down. Slow it down.
Brotha from another motha.
Forget it. Don't-- just don't say it.
 Modern.Family.S03E07
Forget it.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【412】-

Modern.Family.S03E08
Oh,thank you so much for the donation.
I wish I could do more,
it's just a bunch of old, outdated clothes.
Oh,sure it's great.
3 weeks ago, our neighbours, the Rand's
lost their house and everything they own
in a fire.
Foetunately nobody was hurt.
And fortunately, their friends,
was wonder woman, over here.
I'm hardly wonder woman.
She mobilized the community to donate
clothes,
furniture, appliances.
All to help them start over in their new
rental.
- Which you found them. - I'm no wonder
woman.
Rand-aid was her idea.
It wasn't my idea to call it "Rand-aid."
Okay, fine.
I'm wonder woman.
Terrible tragedy.
They're our closest friends.
We know them.
Uh, Manny and their son Reuben are tight.
In fact, I put in one of their closets.
Not that it matters,
but it was the only structure to survive
the fire.
Por favor, don't even say that word!
In my country it is considered very, very
bad luck
when your house burns down.
They lived a block away from us.
Smoke was everywhere.
I was so upset, I couldn't sleep for days.
Of course, Mitchell won't let me take
anything.
Well, Cam, we both know why.
Some people have been known to sleepwalk
or even sleep drive on that medication.
Cam's reaction is much worse.
Oh! Ohh! Oh, god.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【413】-
Modern.Family.S03E08
I sleep clown.
Dad, you're gonna kill yourself.
I got it! We're on a schedule here.
I still have to pick up the truck.
If you want him to stop lifting things,
put all this in grocery bags
and turn the TV on to a football game.
Oh! Take this phone away from me!
Why?
Two of our best brokers left to start their
own agency,
and the office gossip is flying.
But I want today to be about the Rands...
And if I have this-- oh, my god!
Those guys took two secretaries and the
tube dude with them!
Who's the tube dude?
You know, the blowy guy that attracts all
the attention.
This guy...
Ah, si, I've seen him.
He goes down over there, and then he shakes
up.
- And goes down in there, and then... - You
almost got it.
And then goes down.
Hi, hi, sorry. We would have been here
sooner,
But this one had a wardrobe crisis.
You know, it's a somber occasion,
and all my tops are too joyful.
-You do not want our problems. -No.
- Oh, here, Jay, let me help. - No, I got
it.
- Aah! My back! - Dad!
No, Jay, that's not quite it.
Remember, you got air blowing through you,
So it's more like...
And then out. And then out.
Leave me alone. I'm fine.
I've gotta pick up that truck.
I'd be happy to get the truck.
I don't think so. It's a pretty big truck.
Oh. Is it--is it bigger than the combine
I've been driving since I was 12 years old?
Or the Widrow tractor with the Macdon

header
that I drove to and parallel parked at my
high school prom? Hmm?
- At least something got plowed that night.
- Heard that!
Oh, son of bitch!
Your low back is in spasm, Jay.
I can massage that out for you.
I'm fine.
Dad, you don't know what you're missing.
Phil is a magician.
And a licensed masseur.
Before I heard the siren song of
residential real estate,
I was bitten by the rub bug.
No, he's--he's amazing.
I had this knot in my leg,
Two minutes with Phil and it was gone.
I'm sorry, but I think you might have a
higher tolerance
for a man's hands on your body than I do.
- Charming. - Ay, don't be an idiot.
Let Phil help you.
Fine.
Great! I'll just go get the room ready.
I'll think you'll be surprised with what
these hands can do.
Really? Can they drive a Bobcat skid-steer
with a bucket grapple through a school
hallway on a dare?
Because these can and have.
Poor Reuben, huh?
Having to rebuild his whole life at age 12.
Yeah. That blows.
I know we're both shaken up,
but let's watch the language.
Okay, put this in a safe place. It's for
Reuben.
It's one of those, um,
How do you say again, the
takka-takka-takka...
Is that the helicopter with the camera in
it...
that you control with your phone?
The one I asked for?
Okay, when your house burns down,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【414】-
Modern.Family.S03E08
you get one of these.
No, don't burn your house down.
How lucky is Reuben?
So lucky.
You know what? I say we take this thing out
and see how she flies.
I don't know. My mom got it for Reuben.
Oh, so now he won't even share his toys?
He never does.
Screw that guy!
Yeah!
You're a terrible influence.
You need me.
Claire, in case you want to add something,
I put the box of dresses outside
And this is the box of snicker snackers.
Mm. Thanks.
Mitchell, we did have something to add to
this box of, um...
Snicker snackers.
What?
English is not her first language.
She's just trying to help.
Mitchell, come on. You can't do that.
You can't just change the rules.
This is what we do.
When Gloria says something silly,
we innocently laugh behind her back.
She's had a rough week, all right?
She's really worried about Tia Maria
Cecilia and that surgery.
Oh, and then she lost her cell phone at
pilates.
- How do you know this? - We have coffee.
Oh. Have?
So when did this become, like, a thing?
What's the big deal? We're friends. I like
Gloria.
Uh, it's no big deal.
I have nothing against her, I just
think--oh!
Mm. All right.
So before you get all judge-y, I gave her
that vase.
After I gave it to you.
You couldn't part with that t-shirt?

I love this shirt.
You know, you don't have to look the way
you look.
Amber Rand lost all her clothes in a fire,
but she gets to build herself a new
wardrobe.
Let me burn your clothes.
Girls, get down here. There's a lot of work
to do.
- Ugh. She's in a mood. - You know what we
have to do, right?
- There's no way you're my real sister! -
I hate you!
- I can't believe you would ever-- -You're
the most selfish--
Okay, that's it! I cannot take the
fighting!
Just get out of the house.
Works every time.
You know, I don't even wanna drive the truck
anymore
Even though on the farm I was--
I can't take another farm story.
- Yay! - You might wanna take someone with
you.
The thing's been parked there six months.
You're gonna want to hose it down, sweep
for spiders.
Good news, girls. You're going with Uncle
Cam.
Yay!
The pain must have been pretty bad if I was
asking Phil for help.
His need for my approval is exhausting.
In ten years, I've asked him for one thing--
To hook up my wireless printer.
He still won't shut up about it.
How's that printer working out for you?
Still loving that printer, eh?
You know, if your printer breaks from here,
- I can fix it on my phone. - Can you?
I can, but I don't need to,
Because I fixed it forever.
Just once, I wish he wouldn't make
such a big deal about everything.
Okay.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【415】-
Modern.Family.S03E08
Now just disrobe and place the towel over
your buttocks.
Riding the open road
in a big rig like this
sure can work up a man's powerful appetite.
We've gone five blocks.
- Do you want a burger or not? - I could
eat.
Hey, Alex,
maybe Uncle Cam will let you borrow his hat
later.
You know, since you dress like a dude.
I like the way I dress.
Uncle Cam, as her future prom date,
will you please talk to her? You know
fashion.
First of all, you're each beautiful in your
own way,
but you're both playing for second,
because I'm too sexy for... this truck.
I have to say, you do drive it surprisingly
well.
Yeah, who would have thought?
Surprising?
What, that--that a gay man can drive a
truck?
You know, I expect that kind of thinking
from Jay's generation.
But from our future generation?
No.
Wow. This place got crowded.
Whoa. You're really wedged in there.
You want us to help guide you out?
That question--
It was like a hate crime.
Sorry!
Hey, you're really close on this side.
Yeah, I see it.
- Careful! - I'm being careful.
Gasping? Really?
Holding hands? We're not in a nosedive.
Okay, you know what,
if it would make you feel better, get out
and guide me.
Okay, come on. Let's go.
Please don't yell at me, but there's not
 Modern.Family.S03E08
enough room. Let me know if I'm hurting you.
Okay, climb over. Are you kidding me? It's fantastic.
You're fine. I love you.
You know, the native Americans believe that This! I love this!
burning sage It just slipped out.
kept bad energy away. Those are the worst three words I could say
How'd that work out for 'em? to Phil.
Get to the back. I was just praying he would let it go
That's the spirit. And not make a big deal about it.
Thank you. Oh, my god.
I just need to make sure that the oil is This is huge.
a perfect 98.6. Jay, I'm sorry.
And it is perfect. I need a minute.
Now I want you to take a deep breath Son of a bitch!
and let me transport you to a land Son of a bitch.
I call relaxistan. Oh, these are fantastic. Why is Manny
Oh, what the hell? Get off me. getting rid of them?
I knew this was a terrible... He said that they were last season.
Oh, Mama Lucian, that's good. I used to have a pair like these.
So you wanna try it? I can never find 'em anymore.
I don't know. I'm still feeling guilty. Oh, there's an outlet store.
It's Reuben's helicopter. They don't have men's size,
Reuben is the whole reason we should be but I'm sure the biggest size for boys
doing this. would fit you perfectly. I'll take you.
He's barely living proof that life can - All right. It's a date. - Oh. Another
change in a second. date.
You gotta grab what you can when you can. Claire, I heard what happened with the
What is this hold you have on me? vase,
Wow. but I don't want you to worry about it.
Okay, now ease up. I'm so sorry. I should have told you about
Okay, I'm easing up. Okay, it's not that sooner.
working. It just--I have really been shaken by this
Get ahold of yourself, Manny! She's getting whole fire thing.
away! You know, life is so fragile.
- I can't--I... I can't hold her! - Give I know, like a vase.
it to me! You tattled on me?
Mayday! Mayday! She asked me about it. What was I supposed
Oh, well. to do?
What do you mean "Oh, well"? My mom's gonna Why are you making those cruel sounds with
kill us. your mouth?
Us? You were flying it. You don't see it?
I was in the attic packing boxes. You're turning Gloria into mom.
You're gonna help me find it, What?
or the next search will be for you. First you got all defensive of her,
I like this guy. Where's he been? and then you tattled on me to her.
Just relax. That's exactly what you did with old mom.

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-【416】-
 Modern.Family.S03E08
It's what you're doing with new mom. I hate you!
Okay, okay. Okay, so... I flirted with a table of
Only you could make my friendship with truckers
Gloria who have offered to help us.
into something ugly. No! No help! I've come too far!
Don't get me wrong. I think it's sweet. Have you?
We've all got our thing. You have mommy Oh, hey! They don't sell pizzas at this
issues. restaurant!
I do not have mommy issues! You parked here illegally!
Okay. So I pick you up tomorrow, Congratulations, sir. You're destroying
We go get you your big boy pants, America.
and then we go and get a little ice cream, Hey, there are no cars behind us. Go! Gun
okay? it!
Perfect. All right! All right! Everybody relax!
I don't wanna hear it. We're fine! We're fine!
You still don't feel very good? - We are not fine! - And we're all smooshed!
I told Phil I loved him. - And we're scared! - And we're tilted at
It was an accident. a 30-degree angle!
- You know how he gets with that stuff. - Nerd! And we're dirty and tired and late!
Ay, I know. Okay! Can you please just be quiet!
Jay, can I talk to you later about what just Why couldn't we have just asked for help?
happened? 'cause I'm teaching you girls a very
- Yeah. - Thanks. valuable lesson--
Jeez, I just worked that out. That gay men can do anything straight men
You're screwed. can do.
Today is the biggest day of my life. Yeah, we know that.
Just relax. Do you think you're the only gay guy that
Let me know if I'm hurting you. we know?
Are you kidding me? It's fantastic. Yeah. My soccer coach is gay,
I love you. Our pediatrician...
This! I love this! - My latin tutor. - Nerd! Our electrician.
Oh, my god. Well, then why were you so surprised
This is huge. when I said I could drive a truck?
Jay, I'm sorry. I need a minute. Not because you're gay, because you're you.
The two guys who left the firm asked me to And by the way, you can't.
quit my job Okay, wow. I guess I owe you an apology.
and partner with them at the new agency. I made a leap there.
Big opportunity, I'm just used to dealing with stereotypes.
big risk, I'm a little sensitive about it.
And they need an answer by the end of the Oh! There's the trucker that I talked to.
day. Hey! Excuse me! Hi!
I don't always make great decisions under Could you give us a hand, please?
presure. Sure thing, sweetie.
What the hell is that? Oh, like she'll be able to help us.
An alpaca. I got the last one. Boy, do you have the right idea.
Come on! Move that truck! Could use a little break from the mother

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 Modern.Family.S03E08
and child reunion Uncle Cam, I got this.
going on down there. Oh, my god, it's Alex Dunphy.
Don't ask. So awesome.
Mitchell's turning Gloria into mom. Bam! Problem here, boys?
It's out. These geeks won't give us back our
You remember the way mom and Mitchell used helicopter
to be that we took from Reuben.
in their private little club, Is that right, Abraham?
Just the two of them, and no one else Oh, my god. She knows your name.
allowed in. Helicopter, please.
Well... it's happening again, I love you.
But this time around, it's happening with What just happened?
your wife. You have your fans, I have mine.
You should see them down there. Some day, your fans are going to work for
It would actually be adorable if it weren't my fans.
so sick. Oh, um, Gloria,
I just-- Do you mind if I talk to Mitchell alone for
You know, I feel like Mitchell is a grown a minute?
man, It's okay. I already know what you said,
he has a child, And I think it's crazy.
and he's still working out some psychodrama Mitchell is not making me his mommy.
from 20 years ago. No, I know. He's not, but I think that I
Daddy, can I have a sip of your beer, might be.
please? Okay, now you're going really, really
Oh, my god. crazy,
Mitchell cozies up to mom, I go running to because I am younger than you.
daddy. Mm, by 14 months, so let's settle down.
I'm the one who's turning Gloria into mom, What is going on with you today?
which is really disturbing since we're the I... all right, I'm working this out as I
same age. go.
You're older. I think maybe seeing
Oh. Oh, that's where we're gonna chime in? you get all buddy-buddy today with Gloria
Will you hurry up? made me feel like it did
I'm saving my strength when you were with mom, and--and...
Because if we don't find this helicopter, I don't know. I-I felt like the odd man out.
I'm walking to Canada. Okay. Well, that--that's how I used to feel
Hope you like taxes. with you and dad.
Hey! That's our helicopter! I know. I know. We--we chose teams,
Is it, now? even during the divorce. It...
I'm sure you have the proper documentation Okay, the last couple years,
for that. you and I have been our own team.
Just give it back. It's ours. You know? And I don't want that to go away.
You guys are bullies. So...
They can't be bullies. They're nerds. I guess I just felt a little left out today.
Don't pigeonhole us. We can be both. Shut up.
Is there an issue here? Okay, can you two try hugging a box

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-【418】-

so that your poor mother doesn't have to
do all the hard work?
I am sorry, Gloria, about all the mom stuff
today.
I just--I got this crazy idea
that you liked Mitchell better than me.
I do like Mitchell better than you.
What?
Ay, please.
Are you going to honestly tell me
that I'm your favorite person in this
family?
I'm not even your favorite Colombian in
this family.
I would love to get closer to you.
You have my number.
But call me quickly because I book up.
You never saw me.
There you are.
- I really need to talk to you. - You really
don't.
Jay, please. It's about work.
I got a text during your massage.
I've been offered a partnership in a new
agency.
Good for you!
I'm not so sure.
I mean, there's--there's a big upside,
But I have a stable job right now.
I have three kids, and at least one of
them's going to college.
Worse case scenario, they all go.
Well, what does Claire think?
I haven't told her yet. I wanted to talk
to you first.
You've done this.
Well, I think that there's only really one
question.
Whether I'm ready to run my own company?
Ah, you're great with people.
We know you're a good salesman.
You've managed to provide a good living in
tough times.
Then what? Is this the right time?
Never a perfect time.
House could burn down tomorrow.
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Question is, do you want this?
Yeah.
Yeah, I really want it.
Then gamble on yourself.
I'd gamble on you.
I'm gonna do it.
There you go!
Thanks, Jay.
Hey, look, I know you were reluctant to get
that massage,
but I think we can both agree it had a happy
ending.
Please don't say that.
If I could only save one possession in a
fire,
probably my first set of golf clubs.
My old man gave 'em to me.
The engagement ring that Jay gave me
that changed my life.
Lily's adoption papers.
I was gonna say adoption papers.
So I guess, then, I would say my mom's
recipe book.
All our family photos...
which I keep on my iPad, so my iPad.
As long as I have my family,
I wouldn't need anything else.
Aw, man!
What?
You say something like that,
it makes us all seem petty.
- Yeah. - Well...
I know.
Hiss!
Cam's sleeping. I don't wanna wake him.
He's had a rough day.
Not as rough as grandpa's truck.
Thank you so much for driving me.
I really didn't want to ride in that big
rig.
It was amazing. Everybody was honking,
And I learned, like, five new curse words.
Mostly from Cam.
Oh, I'm glad I could give you a laugh today.
You know, I didn't know that's what I was
to you people--
 Modern.Family.S03E08
- a big joke. - No, honey, it wasn't like
that.
No, we really didn't mean-- uncle Cam, we
love you.
Save it. I'm going back to bed.
So he's still doing that?
Yeah. Yeah, but we're working on it.

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Oh, my goodness, those hands are cold.
At least, buy me dinner first.
Tell my wife and kids I love them.
Oh, my god.
That's kind of dark, mom.
What
Wait, what's my favourite hospital food?
Jell-o!
Hi, buddy.
No, today is still good.
Good for what? Who's buddy?
Yeah, just head over on to the house.
Whose house? Who's buddy?
OK, see you in a couple.
Couple of what? Who's buddy?
Kenneth.
- Kenneth? - Kenneth!
If I had a son, I'd want him to be like
Kenneth Ploufe.
You do have a son.
When we first moved in here,
He was the sweet kid who lived next door.
Mm, the weird kid who lived next door,
But Phil always had a soft spot for him
Because Kenneth sort of looked up to him.
I wouldn't say hero.
And yet you did.
Well, you weren't going to.
Claire's always had some issues with
Kenneth.
He would stare at me a little too long.
Can you blame him?
You used to dress sexy back then.
Ten years. Can you believe it?
I feel like we ended that last hug too soon.
I-- come on again!
Oh, wow, that's a lot of hugging.
Oh! She's right. Why hug when you can...
- Man-shake. - Man-shake.
I'm gonna get the coffee.
"Man-shake."
Are we sure?
Roll up the curtain.
I don't know what's worse--
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That he competes every Thanksgiving in a
pie-eating contest,
or that he's 9-time runner-up.
It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the
contest.
Yes, it would.
I think I have to tell my pumpkin chunkin
story.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to.
No, I kind of think I have to.
Once, Cam and his friends
tried to slingshot a pumpkin across a
football field.
Three seconds.
That's all he needs to tell that story.
So the fog was rolling in over the mountains
Like an ominous blanket
As we readied the giant slingshot.
You know, Lorna, the pastor's daughter,
She was nervous because like I said, it was
after curfew.
She was a goody two-shoe.
Only pastor's daughter I ever met that was.
So we finally launch the pumpkin,
And it sails through the air, goalpost to
goalpost...
Past the end zone, into the parking lot,
Through the open roof of Lorna's dad's car.
I turn to Cody and I say,
"Now what are the chances of that landing
there?"
He says, "Where?"
And I say...
"The sunroof of a preacher man."
Wah-wah
Okay, come on in!
Voila!
Ah! Okay, what are we looking at?
My centerpiece for Thanksgiving.
It is wonderful. You're so talented.
I can't believe that you did this.
Yeah, my juices were really flowing on this
one.
I actually shot a making-of video.
Hey, maybe we can watch it later at the
party.

Well, yeah, that or football.
Mi amor, I'm so proud of you.
Is there nothing in the world that you can't
do?
Centerpieces, for starters.
Why do you say everything of his is great,
Even if it isn't?
Because I'm building him up.
That's what parents do.
Too much, if you ask me.
Kids cross the street nowadays, they get
a ribbon.
Manny's got plenty of confidence.
He just needs a little reality check every
now and then.
And this thing is a horn of ugly.
Shh!
My mother used to criticize everything I
did.
And look at me now.
I am a jumble of insecurities.
I'm not getting that.
Do not say a word to Manny.
Fine. But trust me,
If you told him the truth, he'd thank you
later.
Mm. Like Claire and Mitch? Did they thank
you?
Not yet.
But it's coming.
Ah! So many memories in this place. Yeah.
Do you guys still have, like, every cereal?
We have a lot.
Yeah! Of course you do. Of course you do.
You only have the greatest dad in the world.
So what have you been up to?
I haven't seen you since you went off to
college.
Oh, you know, actually, that didn't work
out so well.
I bounced around for a while.
Ended up washing dishes in New Mexico.
So without the benefit of a college degree,
I guess your options were kind of limited,
huh?
Ease up. It's a holiday.
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Yeah, it was--it was tough. Oh, no. no,
thank you.
- Thank you, though, sweetie. You're so
sweet. - Oh. Okay.
It was tough for a while...
But then a roommate and I started our own
business.
Oh, was that also in the dish or cleaning
industry?
No. No, no, no.
It was actually a small investment company.
Well, small at first.
You know, we rode the tech wave for a while,
then expanded into video games,
amusement parks, sports arenas.
Anything that seemed awesome, really.
I'm actually in town to buy a blimp.
Holy crow.
So if you--if you'd gone to college,
you would have done all that just four years
later,
or--or never.
Alex really needs to be picked up,
Sweetie. Why don't you go get her?
I wanna hear more of what he has to say about
We're leaving.
Kenneth, I am so proud of you.
You really made it.
Well, I did get one pretty lucky break.
Early on, I met a very special guy
who taught me that what I thought and said
had value.
Oh, you mean like--
Shh. Luke. Let the man talk.
He encouraged me to always find the fun
and follow this thing.
- Your lung? - No, my heart.
To this day, at every crossroad,
I ask myself one question--
What would Phil Dunphy do?
Record scratch!
Oh, that's me buzzin'.
Oh, it's Paris.
She's my assistant in Tokyo.
You'd think they'd know how to demo 4-d
gaming graphics without my help

They don't. Hey, luke,
what instrument does Yo-Yo Ma play?
Um... cello?
He's me...
And he's spectacular.
Oh, my god.
Kenneth Ploufe is part owner of a resort
in the Bahamas,
some cruise line,
And Lacy Fair, that lingerie company.
Oh! Ew! I'm wearing one of his bras!
Look, he's got a model in his lap.
- No way. - Look at her.
This is your fault!
Are you seriously gonna stay in here all
day?
I can't face mom.
If I see her, I'm gonna have to confess.
Take a breather. It's just a dent.
And saying nothing is not lying, okay?
It's just letting the truth speak for
itself.
This is not the time for moral
equivocation.
Okay, I don't know what that means,
and also, don't tell me.
You're the one who's gonna lose her driving
privileges.
I don't know why you're so calm.
All we have to do is keep it from mom
until she goes to the store.
Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that
it happened there,
which it did, so it's not really lying.
Listen to you.
Are you gonna be a career criminal?
Ugh. You sound like mom.
I don't know what I'm gonna do after high
school.
It was a supportive "Wah-wah."
I was trying to save the moment.
There's no such thing as a supportive
"Wah-wah."
A "Wah-wah" By its very nature is vicious
and undercutting.
Well, I was just trying to salvage that
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story, okay?
I told you not to tell it,
You told it, and it died.
It did not die. It's a thinker.
Cam, the only thing people were thinking
was,
"Thank god this story's over."
Okay. I get it.
So how long have I been embarrassing you
with my stories?
No, no, no, no. You don't embarrass me.
I love your stories, okay?
The tractor in the swimming hole?
Aunt Betty's wiglet on the piglet?
Uncle Carl said she couldn't tell 'em
apart.
See? Those are funny. You have so many great
ones.
Well, that's farm life.
Rain or shine, there's always a bumper crop
of stories.
Yeah, I'm just saying maybe
you take punkin chunkin out of the
rotation.
I guess you're right. Maybe I could just--
Yeah, stick to the ones that really
happened,
because people love those.
Excuse me. What?
I'm--I'm just saying people laugh more at
stories that are true.
Punkin chunkin is a true story.
True-ish?
No. True.
Really?
The length of a football field,
Through the sunroof of a car that was open
in late November in Missouri?
It was unseasonably warm.
That explains the fog rolling over the
hill.
And who's Cody--
Who you're close enough to chunk with
but mysteriously only appears in this
story?
Cody was K.I.A. In desert storm.

He's a hero.
You know, all this from someone
who's never even chunked a punkin.
Well, I've never lunked a tunkin, either.
You know, these aren't real things.
This'll work, right?
Totally, dad.
Why have one long table
when you can use four little ones bistro
style?
I'll bet this is how the French do
Thanksgiving.
You don't mind sitting with your Uncle
Mitch
And, uh, grandpa, do you?
Anything's better than watching Lily chew.
By the way,
this is the side of your old man that
Kenneth was talking about.
Original.
Imaginative.
Fearless.
So Kenneth became a gajillionaire
by asking himself, "What would Phil do?"
He sure did.
Where did that come from? Right?
But you're you.
Why aren't we gojillionaires?
Why don't you do what Phil would do?
Phil, why didn't you just put the extra
leaves in the table?
Trying to have some fun, be creative.
One long table, honey.
If it was good enough for the last supper,
it's good enough for us.
I'm having second thoughts about this
centerpiece.
- Ay, no. - Hear him out.
I just think if we bring it to Phil and
Claire's,
we'll never see it again, right?
That's the plan.
Well, that would be sad.
Except maybe my sadness will inspire me
to create something even greater.
Remember that collage I made
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Modern.Family.S03E09
that helped us get through Katrina?
You did this. You know that.
So...
is this the legendary rice pilaf we've been
hearing about?
Try for yourself.
Used to make it every year,
but it, uh, started to upstage the turkey.
- Something wrong? - Not so much wrong as
missing.
It--it just tastes a little flat.
That a fact?
I just think with the earthiness of the
rice,
you might want something zesty to set it
off.
I think this might be a job for cumin.
You know, since we're sharing
- helpful criticisms-- - no, no, no, no.
nobody's sharing anything. Manny, go
change for the party.
No, no, no, but I appreciate helpful
criticisms.
It, uh, it's important for me that I hear
the truth.
Makes me stronger,
less of a mama's boy.
Yeah, mom, he can take it.
That's what he says,
but you don't really know what he feels
underneath.
Some people are so sensitive,
that they hear one criticism,
and it kills the spark that made them
special.
I think I know what's going on here.
Good.
This is about you and your mom, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is!
Manny, don't upset me anymore.
Go. Go change.
What--what should I wear?
Ay, you look good in everything!
Where you going, mom?

Mm, I gotta run to the store.
Someone ate all the marshmallows.
Hey, can I tell you something?
I was thinking that maybe after new year's
break,
we could visit a couple more colleges.
- Seriously? - I was so hard on you before.
I'm sorry. I know I'm no Kenneth.
I'm gonna need all the help that I can get.
Honey, I am so proud of you. Oh.
Oh, thank you.
What's this?
- Oh, okay. - What are you doing?
Oh, uncle Mitch is picking up the
marshmallows.
Then again, backpacking through Europe
could be educational in its own way.
No! No, no! No, no, no!
Do you know what's illegal in Europe?
Nothing!
You are going to college!
Okay, fine.
Darn right it's fine.
Piece of cake.
My hair's coming out!
Wow, honey. I-I think you could make these
simpler.
Just, you know, sort of do 'em flat and on
the side.
Hmm. Yeah. Seems like that's how you like
me.
Flat and on the side.
You know what? Sometimes I need to be puffed
up and frilly.
All right, is this one of
those moments I'm gonna have to remember
later
when they ask me if there were any signs?
This is what Phil would do--
Make fantastic napkin origami
that startles and delights his guests.
I know, but, sweetie,
they're just looking a little...
Claire, you always do this. You squelch me.
You squelch me right when I'm about to soar.
Honey, you're folding napkins.
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You're folding my dreams!
You know what Kenneth told me?
The secret to his success--
his whole career, he's tried to emulate me.
The only difference is,
he hasn't had someone constantly telling
him what not to do.
So the only reason we don't have a-a blimp
tethered to our mailbox
is because I'm always shooting down your
great ideas?
Yeah.
Let's review the squelch pile, Phil.
Let's see-- the rice pudding franchise.
Works for all chewing abilities.
Adult tricycles.
Just try to fall off.
The Aspirin gun.
Some people have a hard time swallowing!
And you left one out. Hmm.
And that, my dear Claire, is a real
head-scratcher--
"Tm."
Action.
Hey, friend.
You look like you had a rough day at the
office.
The stress from my job at the robot assassin
factory...
Is too much to take.
Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.
Maybe someday.
But until then, try this on for size.
The real head-scratcher features 32
patent-pending "Nogginizers"
That gently massage your scalp
In a soothing purr of motorized delight.
Ahh. It feels great,
And it looks good, too.
It's a real lifesaver.
You mean a real head-scratcher?
"Tm."
I love you, Phil,
- But you-- - Stop.
I love your "I love you."
I'm getting awful tired of your "But."

I heard it.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Happy turkey day!
Hey, is that a new car?
Yep! It's the best, isn't it?
I can't take my eyes off it.
You shouldn't, either.
Are you okay, mami?
I'm... I'm...
Hey, guys! Now the party's started. Come
on!
- How are you? - Good.
You disgust me.
Are you hungry?
Oh, good. It's still in one piece.
You hit those potholes pretty hard.
It's like you didn't see 'em.
No, I saw 'em.
Can I be honest with you, Jay?
I'm getting the sense
that you're not the biggest fan of
"Allegria"?
You got a name for it now? Great.
All right. Cards on the table?
This is not your best work.
Now look, don't get me wrong.
You're a talented kid.
You're gonna be a big success in the world.
But this... this is a swing and a miss.
- Well, but my mom said it was-- - It's great,
yeah, I know.
But how did she say it?
What do you mean?
There's a big difference between "It's
great," and "It's great."
You hear that?
"It's great," And "It's great."
All I hear is a bunch of people telling me
I'm great.
And that's a problem, because a lot of times
people will lie to you to protect your
feelings,
And that's not doing you any favors.
You get a lot farther in life
if you know what you're good at and what
you're not.
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Now you can handle that, right?
- Yeah. - Of course you can.
How you doing, honey?
I'm great.
Okay, everybody, come on!
Two minutes till dinner! Get ready!
Good! All right!
Oh, wow, Manny. What have you got there?
He made a centerpiece!
- Oh, that's fantastic. - It's stunning.
It's garbage.
No, no, no!
What are you doing? It's so beautiful!
Stop the lies.
Jay told me the truth.
What did you say?
I mentioned it wasn't his best effort.
He said it was a swing and a miss.
Why?! Why do you say these things, jay?!
It's like I married my mother!
Jay, why would you do that?
Because he's a Pritchett.
But don't let these negative nellies drag
you down, Manny,
Because one day you could have a
trillion-dollar idea
-that the people who supposedly love you
most-- - Okay, Phil!
That's it. Go get the head-scratcher.
The real head-scratcher, "Tm"?
Go get it, and let everybody else decide
how many trillions I've cost you.
Way ahead of you.
What's going on here?
We are about to make hat history.
Or as I like to call it, "Hatstory."
Early man had hours and hours to scratch
his weary head.
But what about today's busy times?
Thank you, squire.
Great thing about this?
You can wear it anywhere.
Hit it, buddy.
Oh!
It's like a thousand tiny angels
are line dancing on my sca--

I... it looks like we got a slight
malfunction in a rear nogginizer.
Oh! Shut her down! Shut her down, buddy!
- It's not working! - My hair! It's got my
hair!
Okay! Fine.
That--I'm fine.
Forgot about that feature. It's an
exfoliating... scrub.
Buddy, can you grab the safety shears?
You know what, Phil? Keep it up.
And I admire you and Manny.
I know what it's like to stare down
skepticism from a loved one.
Cam, not now.
Why not now? It's Thanksgiving.
Families gather. Issues come up.
Only if you bring them up.
It's healthy to get things out in the open.
Y'all know my punkin chunkin story,
or do you need a refresher?
- We've heard it. -Oh, several times.
I love it.
With Cody and the friends?
Yes. So you know how it ends.
But the question is, who here thinks I made
that up?
Oh. Well, doesn't that tell the whole story
right there?
Here we have the skeptics, the
dream-squashers...
the Pritchetts.
And here we have the dreamers, the artists,
the visionaries.
Sweet Caroline!
So we're supposed to believe that
you make a-a pumpkin fly across a football
field.
Yeah. I can prove it to you right now.
Let's go to the football field.
Yes! Let's do this. I'd love to end this.
Yeah! Let's settle this!
Dreamers versus Pritchetts!
Bravo! Bravo! When I say "Punkin," You say
"Chunkin"!
- Punkin! Punkin! - No, no, no!
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Hold it! I did not just cook for eight hours
so you people could run off to prove some
asinine point
that's only gonna make half of us feel bad!
Come on! Show a little respect.
Turkey smells great, sweetheart.
Is that turkey?
Because something smells like chicken.
- Okay, let's settle this. - Yeah.
Vamos, vamos! Jay, I drive!
When I say "Punkin," You say "Chunkin"!
Punkin! Chunkin!
This is the coolest thing ever.
Okay, I want to film.
Ay, no, wait, I want to be in it.
Hey, Cam, are you sure this is going to
work?
Oh, god, you sound just like Cody.
Do you think this could launch a human?
Luke...
- Let's do the pumpkin first. - Okay.
They're having fun over there,
but you know it's gonna end in tears.
Yeah, always does.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
Physics.
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
Who's gonna be able to launch it?
I think it should be Cam!
Oh, no! I think it should be all of us!
All of us! All of us!
Just get right here. Whoo!
For the record, I don't squash all of Phil's
dreams.
Just the ones that are, you know,
potentially fatal.
I'm just trying to get the kid ready for
life.
Yeah. Yes, I-if we didn't do this to them,
the world would.
Okay, everybody, in final launching
positions?
Get ready to eat some crow!
It is not as delicious as it sounds.
Okay...
Uno!
 Modern.Family.S03E09
Dos! Tres! Three! You see, the dreamers need the realists
What happened, Cam? to keep them from soaring too close to the
I don't know. I-I don't know. sun.
Can we do it again? And the realists...
No, we only had one pumpkin, Well, without the dreamers,
and we just chunk it. they might not ever get off the ground.
- Well, we were right. - Aw, yeah. Okay! Next one's going through the--the
I'm sorry, guys. goal thingy,
This usually feels a little better, doesn't I can feel it!
it? Now when Lorna, Cody, and I did this, it
- Yeah. - Huh? Mm. was--
All right. I-I hate to admit it, less talkin', more chunkin.
but when they put the pumpkin in, Mom, I need to tell you something.
I was kind of hoping it would work. What is it, honey?
- Yeah. - Me, too. Ready!
All right! Let the gloating begin. I distracted Haley while she was driving,
You know, it was a pretty good try. And we dented your car.
We don't need your pity. Fire!
Let's just get this stuff cleaned up. Well, girls...
Well--or if--if maybe we, um... Three more seconds, and you would have
- We launch it from a steeper angle? - Yeah. gotten away with it.
Then...maybe if you had somebody else, Now a human?
you know, helping you pull the thing. Come here, Lily.
But we don't have any more pumpkins. Luke, no.
That's the easy part!
They're on every porch up and down the
block.
- Oh, we can handle that. Come on, kid! -
Yeah.
Come on. Let's try one.
Okay! All right! Let's do it!
I say "Punkin," Gang says "Chunkin"!
There are dreamers and there are realists
in this world.
You'd think the dreamers would find the
dreamers
and the realists would find the realists,
but more often than not, the opposite is
true.
Maybe if this works,
we should launch my centerpiece next.
It wasn't that bad.
Your rice pilaf was.
Jay, be careful!
Okay. All right.
Oh! Oh! Keep going, keep going! Keep going!

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Ay, finally!
Look who's wearing her itsy-bitsy bikini.
He can comment because he's gay.
He was talking about Lily.
So was I.
Ay, Cam, you make her look so pretty.
Guess who's not coming for Christmas.
And the spotlight shifts.
- Mom. She cancelled. - What?
In a voice mail, no less.
Unbelievable--and by that, I mean
believable.
Why isn't Nana coming?
I don't know. Something about her new
boyfriend
whisking her away on a cruise.
- I just got my gift. - What boyfriend?
Carl the cruise ship captain.
It was in her holiday newsletter.
Oh, I can't read that whole thing. No.
Yeah, after two pages about the bird she
rescued...
And by the way,
I don't think you can say you rescued
something if it dies.
- It died? - She wrote a poem about it.
A little too free with the free verse for
my taste,
but fine, we'll call it a poem.
I stopped reading after she talked about
suing her book club.
Oh, I stopped reading after "Dear friends,
Family and others..."
I'm sorry. Who are "Others"?
- Me. - No, you're not...
Uh, maybe you are.
Actually, she's kind of at her best at
Christmas.
She makes a mean cookie.
What other kind could she possibly make?
Aw, it's so sad that
you guys are not gonna be with your mom this
Christmas.
- It's fine. - Yeah, it's more than fine.
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Let's just-- can we move off of mom?
Yes, please.
Yeah, and the upside now, Mitchell--
We can spend Christmas in Missouri
where it actually feels like Christmas.
Wait. Hang on a second. Just because Mom
isn't coming
doesn't mean we're not gonna spend
Christmas together.
I mean, it's about family.
Who do you think we're seeing in Missouri,
claire,
- The Oak Ridge Boys? - Hold on.
I thought we were all getting together
Christmas Eve this year.
We're on a flight to Mexico the 25th.
What do you mean, you're getting on a flight
on the 25th?
You two needed time with your mom.
I've already served my time with your mom.
- Oh, Dad. - Well, uh,
well, when are we gonna have Christmas
then?
I heard kids are getting snatched in
Mexico.
What?
Kids get snatched here just as much.
It happens all the time. Don't be scared.
Now when you say "All the time"
Okay, well what about next weekend?
Cause we're only home till the 21st, right?
Yeah, we leave tomorrow and we don't come
back until the 21st.
Hey, math club, could you get me some more
lemonade?
Are we saying that this is the last time
we're all gonna be together as a family
until after the holidays?
And for you, maybe ever.
Well, this stinks.
Yeah, we can't do this. This is not right.
We always spend Christmas together.
Yeah, we have to do something about it.
Ho, ho, hold up a sec.
We're all free today.
We've got four hours to shop, cook, wrap,

get a tree.
By tonight,
we could be celebrating Christmas, right?
I-I guess we could do that.
Of course we can!
Have you ever heard of express Christmas?
- No. - No, you haven't, because I just
invented it.
Express Christmas, "Tm."
- It's when you can't have it on Christmas
day... - I got it.
- And you have to scramble. - Get on with
it!
- Yeah, yeah... - We're wasting time! We're
wasting time!
Everyone in the house! We'll make a plan!
Time is of the--oh! Ow! Hot! Hot! It's just
too hot!
- Oh, Phil! - Aah!
- So we're really doing this, huh? - Yes.
- Yeah. - 'cause I had stuff lined up for
Christmas Eve.
Yeah, Jay.
It's Manny's last chance to enjoy a family
Christmas.
Until next year, you mean.
Well, with all the snatchings...
Get out of my head, Luke!
Okay, who's gonna get the tree?
Oh! I will. I will.
Because, you know, get the wrong kind,
people get upset.
- You get upset. - I'm people.
Fine, I'll get the turkey. What about
gifts?
Jay, did we finish shopping?
Yeah, but we're not wrapped.
Oh, I can help with that.
We have a mobile wrapping station.
God, has that thing paid for itself.
Really? Cause I feel like I paid for it.
Okay. We've got lights and ornaments at our
place.
Oh! You know what would be great?
- Is the angel! - The angel.
- Yeah. Where is it? - Oh. Um, Gloria,
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It's up in your attic. Would you get it?
Ay, no! Not the attic!
It's dirty, and there are spiders.
Oh, but it really won't be Christmas
without it.
Won't be Christmas with it. It's December
16th.
Luke will help Gloria. He's not scared.
Oh, good. You won't find me in any attic.
That may be exactly where they find you.
Mom!
Uh, I have a party tonight.
You promised I could go if I got a "B" On
my test.
I studied. I read stuff.
What was the point of all that?
- The point, young lady ... - Who can
remember,
Express Christmas will be done by 9:00.
Claire, I'll text you the gift list.
Okay.
You and Haley do the shopping.
Manny, you're coming with me. We're gonna
get groceries.
Dinner, our house, 6:00.
Let's move!
On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen!
Hey, that kind of worked out.
Come on, Haley.
Jay, you are gonna love this wrapping
paper--
It'll be fun.
A lot of fun. We can go to Target. Okay?
- I was just wo-- you guys. - Let's go! Let's
go!
Come on, let's go!
So it's--it's just me and Lily getting the
tree, then?
- Hello? - Hello?
My mom tells me it's "Xmas" in a text?
Yeah, well, my mom canceled in a voice mail
and told me she had a boyfriend in a
newsletter,
So... Join the team.
Put some clothes on. We're getting a tree.
Luke!
 Modern.Family.S03E10
At what? Never been more proud in my life.
What do you mean, "at what"? I said "Luke." - Come on. - No.
I am looking. This way.
I know you are. Stay on the beams. What about this one?
Maybe it's here. Let's see. No. No.
Ay, dios mio! El diablo! It's back! I'm sorry, I know I'm being really O.C.D.
What is so special about that angel, right now,
anyways? But there's something very particular that
I don't know. I'm looking for.
I guess nana made it for mom and uncle It needs to be a douglas fir, at least 8
Mitchell feet tall,
when they were kids. and look good from all sides.
Ay, that's nice. Exactly. No bald spots.
Look where you're going! Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
To open more boxes. The key is symmetry, right?
Oh, you said "look where you're going," * O, symmetry. O, symmetry *
didn't you? How come we never go shopping together?
Yes. - Because I hate shopping. - I do, too!
Every time you said "Luke", - Okay, this one. - Wait.
I though you said "look". - Oh. No, no, no. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't hear the difference. Uh, I think I know what you're looking for,
It's not that hard. One is my name. And we just got a shipment that might be
Juan is not your name! perfect for you.
Stop kidding around and look, Luke! Okay, wow.
Ay, I get it. "look" sounds like "Luke." Just because my uncle is clearly gay...
Yes. Thank god. - Let's not... - doesn't mean he'd ever want
I've been carrying that one around for your tacky pink tree.
three years. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights
Ugh. There's like a hundred things on this on a coatrack
list. than have to deal with knuckle-draggers
I know, but it's just the two of us. It's like you
fun. today of all days.
Okay, it's not Fake Mother's Day. December 16th.
Ugh! This place is huge! Okay, first of all, amazing.
Oh, plus we have to cook dinner! - Second of all... - I was pointing to the
This is impossible. truck.
Listen to me. It's full of 8-foot douglas-firs.
Your whole life has led to this moment. It's behind the pink tree.
All the training, the hours of Second of all,
dedication... Uh, we're--we're gonna go ahead and take,
There's not a soul alive who can touch you uh, this--this tree...
when it comes to shopping, That one.
and, baby, you know it. And we're going to tie it onto our car
Look at me. ourselves.
Be you. You bet you will.
Give me that list. - I have two daddies. - He gets it, Lily.

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-【431】-

Cam and Jay--you know, sort of sounds like
a bird.
"The migratory patterns of the Cam and
Jay..."
Do you have any more tape in that thing?
Do I have more tape in that?
I got a tank full of tape, Mister.
What do you want? Invisible? Satin finish?
- Uh, double-sided? - Whatever. Whatever.
That's interesting.
I doubt that it is, but what?
Well, I mean the way you wrap a gift.
That's a lot of tape. Nobody can get in.
Kind of like... You know...
I mean, well, you let me in,
But in general, w--
Why so much tape, Jay?
Why are you wearing a sweater
when it's 95 degrees out?
It's my Christmas sweater.
Based on those stains,
you are the Christmas sweater.
Well, who's been a very good boy?
So...
Okay. Are we gonna talk about the elephant
in the room,
which is ironic because it's so tiny?
A man doesn't give another man a gift this
small.
Oh, what do you think it is, a ring?
Was there wine with this cork?
Yes, there was, and we drank it on...
Oh, we drank it on, uh... Eh?
On that boat.
You have no idea.
I can't even remember my own anniversary,
Cam.
How would I have remembered having had wine
with my son's boyfriend?
No, I do this. This is my fault.
I-I attach too much meaning to things.
I mean, we watched our first football game
together five years ago,
and I feel the need to save the cork
from the bottle of wine you served.
I mean, who does that?
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It's not your only gift, by the way.
There's a duplicate bottle in that box
right over there
which I had engraved with the date
and the final score, because I have a
problem.
I feel too much.
I gotta get going to Claire's.,
- Cam...- No. Fresh wound. Can't talk yet.
Fine. We'll put a cork in it.
Let it scab, Jay.
Let it scab.
Oh, there you are. I thought I'd lost you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I may have taken a few
minutes to try out a futon.
It's a young woman's game.
Okay. Where do we stand?
- I think we have everything. - Yes!
Oh... Except the ladybug night-light for
Lily.
Haley, your whole life has led up...
Oh, I got it, Mom, I got it.
Okay, okay, I'll b-- I'll see you in the
line.
Yes, Ronald?
I not only found it, I got the last one.
Yes, the ladybug, not the turtle.
I also got the doll, so I'm all set.
I'm gonna leave in five.
Or maybe I just want paper.
Paper. Paper. Just paper all the way. Yeah.
Haley!
Too late to change my mind?
Sir, would you like me to hold your
merchandise
up at the register while you finish
shopping?
Oh. Aren't you a dream?
Thank you.
Pack of gum.
And... One more pack of gum.
People drop in this time of year, you know.
Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Night-light you were looking for, ma'am.
Ring her up, Madison.
 Modern.Family.S03E10
Thank you. I was reaching for the turkey.
There you go. Oh. Well, we can't give you our turkey.
You're leaving me alone here? Yes, we can.
No, no, no, no. I... And... Here's the... money.
It'll, uh, it'll just take me two minutes. Joe Dimaggio!
I need to get Jay's supersecret special Joe Dimaggio.
gift. Thanks.
Great. First you lose me in the grocery Mint condit--
store, Near-mint con--
now I'm in a deserted parking lot. Fair condit--
Why don't you just put a sign on me that Garbage.
says "Free kid"? Huh. Never saw this before.
I think that might be him. "An angel for my angels. Love, Mom."
You don't know the guy we're meeting? Oh, that's beautiful.
That's how Craigslist works. And it smells like mothballs, just like
Total strangers sell you things nana.
like signed vintage baseball cards Luke...
that make your father-in-law respect you - Thank--Merry Christmas. - Just--just
for an afternoon. give it up.
I don't like the looks of this guy. He hates us.
He looks like everybody else. Don't beat yourself up.
Great. You can just tell that to the police, I do that, like, once a week.
sketch artist. The good news is, we never have to come back
Joe Dimaggio? here.
Phil Dunphy, but I get that a lot. Watch out!
Kidding. I'm your guy. - The tree! - I can't watch!
Can I see the cash? Look!
Yes. Can I... Can I see the card? Ay, yes, I said "Luke".
Mint condition. You told me already. I did it right!
That's why I want another $50. No! Look!
I only have the $200. Never look back. Never!
Uh, deal's off, then. Maybe we can salvage it?
Come on. It's Christmas... Are you okay, papi?
At our house. It's a long story. Yeah.
I just spent all my cash on groceries. Good. That's because we had our guardian
Fine. But I'm taking the butterball. angel.
- I don't know about that. - That's it. Ay! A spider!
I'm getting mother's little helper. Hey, mom?
- What? - My mom keeps a stun gun for Check it.
emergencies. The gum!
This isn't an emergen-- Oh, and you made it pretty. Honey, put it
Now it is. on the table.
I thought he was going to snatch me. - New tradition? - Oh, yes. Yes.
A butterball isn't... Christmas gum.
What'd he say? I take one.
I think he said, "A butterball's a turkey." Tough to decorate the tree with no tree,

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-【433】-

huh?
How long you gonna ignore me, cam?
Until the shame cloud clears.
You know, I push. I'm a pusher.
You gotta give yourself a break.
See, the thing about me,
I'm not as open with feelings as you.
You've gotta lower your expectations.
Oh, I get it.
- Baby steps. - No steps.
This is it.
See? Did it again.
Push! Push, push, push, push.
Now I've pushed you out of the room.
That's fine.
How is she?
I got the tire marks off her wings,
but I can't get her head to stay on.
Okay, that's what this is for.
Now stick it in the top of the tree
with the good part facing out. Come on.
Well, that stuffing looks good.
All we need now is a turkey to surround it.
Well, relax. Phil just texted,
and he's "On his wax."
Okay! Here comes the tree.
Oh! Finally!
- Here comes more of the tree. - Hi, honey.
oh. Oh, my gosh. What happened?
Well, uh, someone ran over it,
But that's okay 'cause we are gonna put it
back together.
Right now.
He's gonna need a lot of gum.
Oh, thank god. Here comes phil and the
butterball.
I have a name.
I am sorry, but there is no turkey.
There's no turkey? What's the plan, Phil?
Cornish game hens.
If you get real close,
They look like turkeys, and everyone gets
their own.
Sounds like fun.
Not fun. Not fun.
I asked you to pick up a cooked turkey.
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The store was out of turkeys.
It was an hour to express Christmas.
Please, just make it work, okay? Please.
They're not even defrosted.
Fine, Claire.
- You want 'em defrosted? - Yeah.
Merry...
Freaking....
Christmas!
Phil!
Is that my stun gun?
Yep. And it works great.
Okay. Okay.
Um... We can make this work. This can work.
Dad, you and Mitchell reassemble that tree.
All right.
And I am going to defrost these birds,
and we'll cook them in shifts,
And we'll just push dinner back by a bit.
Oh, how long? 'Cause I still have my party.
- What the hell happened to the angel? -
No!
The real question here is,
how come we still have the dog butler?
Oh, you found him, huh?
Well, this thing is-- it's filthy.
And... What happened?!
It got run over.
Probably by the same maniac who ran over
the tree.
Oh, my God. Is that--
Yep. Yep, that's gum. That is gum.
Okay, I'm... I'm out.
- Ah, Mitch... - I'm done. I am out.
No. No turkey, no tree,
And now this looks like the lady she used
to be
before she died and became an angel.
All right. Relax, Mitchell. It's an
ornament.
No, he's right.
We're never gonna get this together.
- I'm going to my party. - No, no. No, you're
not.
You are not. You're staying right here,
Because you're not going to abandon your

family on Christmas.
It's not Christmas.
Exactly. Exactly. It's not Christmas,
Claire.
Okay, fine!
Fine! You know what?
I am really tired trying to make this work
on my own.
I will see you people in a year.
And nine days.
No! Nobody goes anywhere.
I know what the problem is here.
You two miss your mommy.
No. I do not miss my mommy.
Admit it. It's sad.
She used to make you cookies, the angel...
Now she talks to you in a newsletter
And she cancels for no reason.
Come here, my little ones.
No, it's fine.
We're good. It's not a big deal.
It's Christmas. You need a mommy.
You're not our mommy.
And it's not Christmas. Come here.
It's okay to miss her.
Can I put in my 2 cents on fake Christmas?
Express Christmas.
Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.
It needs time.
We all gave it our best shot to make this
thing work.
It just didn't happen, all right?
What do you say we cut our losses?
Let's go out to a nice chinese restaurant
and have a traditional jewish Christmas.
But I risked my life grocery shopping.
Save that story for Wang Fu.
Now let's go. Come on, everybody.
On me! Out! Everybody out!
Wang Fu's. It's on me.
Let's go. Come on, baby girl.
Come on, honey.
- What's going on? - Awesome!
You hate chinese food.
Not bad, huh?
Jay, Jay, Jay.
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- You wanna hug me, don't you? - I kind of
do.
4 to 5 seconds.
- 45 seconds? - 4 to 5 seconds.
Oh, okay.
Family is family.
Whether it's the one you start out with...
- Hi, mom! - Hi, mom!
Merry Christmas!
So, um, tell us everything
- about the new boyfriend. , yeah.
Don't leave anything out. Mm.
You can leave some things out.
the one that you end up with...
Or the family that you gain along the way...
Do this. Snow angels.
Which makes every day
December 16th.
Hey, Jay, um, I'm sorry about the baseball
card.
I-I did get you a-a backup gift.
It's--it's nothing. I picked it up when we
stopped for gas.
Dog antlers.
I know. You got us snow,
- and I got you dog antlers. - I love these.
I thought you might.
Honey, look. Come here.
There. How cute is that?
Where's my camera? Gloria, you gotta see
this!
Come on, Stella! Gloria!
- Dog antlers. - He loves dog antlers.
Oh, no. Oh, okay.
Oh. Oh, gosh!
I'm so sorry.

Modern.Family.S03E11
So how's the family?
Great. Kids are getting so big. Haley's
about to go off...
You can stop holding your stomach in.
- To college. - You still exercising?
Clearly.
I look at a Clint Eastwood
or Chuck Norris and I think,
there's no reason I can't stay tough like..
Oh, tickles!
But...
That hurt?
No. Not r--ow.
What?
It's probably nothing. You feeling okay?
- Yeah. - Maybe we'll just run a couple of
tests, just to be safe.
What kind of tests?
If there's anything wrong, I'll give you
a call.
Okay.
So how's the real estate market doing?
Well, interest rates are low, so it's a
great time to be a buyer,
But if you're a seller, you really have
to...
Bend over?
True, but a quality property is still a
quality--
No, no, no. I need you to bend over.
Oh. Right.
Well, let's dim the lights, crank up the
Norah Jones,
and get this over with.
Oh, hey. How'd it go?
Amazing. I was so proud of him.
Oh, thanks, honey.
I'm kind of proud of me, too.
Look at what they gave me.
"California State Bar Association Award
"For Distinguished Service in The Field of
Environmental Law."
You should have seen it. They called his
name,
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He went up on stage, he gave a great speech.
It was humble, inspirational,
with a touch of dry humor at the end.
It was very Colin Firth.
Oh, Cam, thank you,
But... it's hardly an Oscar.
In the environmental law community,
it kinda is an Oscar.
So how was Lily? I hope you weren't too
bored.
Oh, please,are you kidding me?
I love talking to her. She knows more words
than Haley.
Oh, that looks great up there!
How impressed are you with your uncle right
now?
So impressed.
I didn't wanna ruin their moment
by telling them how many awards I've
gotten,
But let's just say
I don't get out of bed for a trophy that
size.
Darn it!
I'm trying to send an e-mail.
This mouse keeps sticking.
Pretty big reaction. It's 10 bucks, tops.
You just reminded me about my dream last
night.
I was in the middle of a meadow, coming down
a staircase,
then suddenly a black mouse showed up.
He stopped, stared at me in the eyes,
and opened his little mouth.
What did it say?
What did he say, Jay?
He was a mouse. They don't know how to talk.
Now you're playing logic police?
You're standing on a staircase in a meadow?
In my country, when somebody dreams about
a black mouse,
It means that something bad is going to
happen!
Ah, don't worry about it.
I dreamt about a lucky blue cow.
- We're good to go. - Hey, Jay,

this is what I'm wearing for golfing
tomorrow.
Wanted to give you a heads up in case
there's some overlap.
What are you going for here?
Matt damon in "Bagger Vance." you didn't
get that?
I did. I think you look just like him.
It's the whole reason I asked you to teach
me to golf.
Any sport where you can wear this, I'm in.
Who is that? It's 10:00 at night.
- I'll get it. - Hold on, Gatsby.
Hola! It's Javier! Open up!
Dad!
There's my campeon!
There's your black mouse.
Hola, Javier, what are you doing in town?
Well, I missed Manny's birthday, plus I
have a free week.
You're staying a week?
Make that go away.
So, Manny, tomorrow,
In honor of you becoming a man,
I am taking you to the racetrack
to enjoy the sport of kings, hmm?
That's so cool!
Actually, Manny and I have plans to play
golf tomorrow.
Golfing? Pfft! That is for old men
and for women who like women.
Come on. Your dad is in town. Let's go to
the races.
Yeah, can we all go?
Ay, no, baby, I can't.
I promised Haley that I was gonna help her
with her Spanish.
- But Jay's going to go with you. - What?
I'm not gonna let Manny take off with Javier
by himself.
Once, when Manny was 6,
Javier took him to the petting zoo,
which later, I found out
that was the name of the stripper club.
A real petting zoo would have been cleaner.
- But I was looking forward to playing--
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- You're going.
That I don't miss.
Would you look at that?
Oh, yeah, you know,
I never saw us as trophy on the mantle
people,
but yours looked so gosh darned good up
there,
I figured, why not be proud of what we've
done?
Uh, "First Place, Basscatcrsrs Spring
Fish-Off,
Missouri North Division."
2-day total of 10 smallmouth bass
weighing 34.24 pounds
with a 4 1/2-pound kicker.
So you beat all the other boys aged 12
through 17?
Sure did.
Look at our trophies up there.
We're a couple of winners, aren't we?
Are we?
Claire?
Where are all my razor blades?
- They're not in that box? - No.
Well, I guess they're gone.
They can't be gone.
In my 20s, I went on a game show
and won a lifetime supply of razor blades.
Okay, Phil, time is up. What is your answer?
Oh! I'm sorry, Phil.
The correct answer is banana cream.
Banana cream.
Banana cream. Well, you got me there, chip.
But you're not leaving empty-handed, no.
You're going home with a lifetime supply
of Genesis twin-blade razors.
What?! Two blades in one razor?
Man, it'll ever get be better than that!
You must have used them all up.
They said "lifetime supply."
Honey, you got 15 years of free razor
blades.
Put that in the "Win" column and move on.
Mom, is it okay if my friend Walt comes over
to play "Rebel Fighters 3"?

Honey, don't you think it is a little weird
that one of your best friends is an
eighty-year-old man?
No, it makes it more fun, because he was
in a real war.
He says cool things like
"See you in hell, Klaus."
I don't even know what that means.
Oh, hey, dad, some doctor called for you.
Dr. Sendroff?
Yeah, that's it. You're in the shower.
What did he say?
He wants you to call him right away.
Oh, well. See you in hell, Klaus.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
He ran a few tests on me yesterday.
He said he'll call if something was wrong.
And now he's calling.
Hi, this is Phil Dunphy.
I'm returning Dr. Sendroff's call
Are you serious?
- What? - He's on a flight to London.
Um, is there any way I can reach him,
or--uh, uh, someone else I can talk to?
Okay. Fine.
Please just tell him it's urgent.
Thank you.
Oh, boy.
Honey, I am sure it's nothing.
Claire, I'm tender under my arm.
Maybe Luke hit you with his broomstick
when you guys play Quidditch.
I'm way too fast he never touched me.
I can assure you you are perfectly fine.
That's very comforting,
coming from a marketing major at a party
school.
I like the number 4 horse.
He loves this track,
his dad won the Preakness,
Last three finishes were in the money.
I like Miranda's miracle.
Why?
There's this girl Miranda in my class,
and she is really pretty.
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If she likes me back, it will be a miracle.
Would you bet $2 on that one for me, Jay?
Sure, but you are throwing your money away.
You both are.
The winner of the race will be number 7--
my hometown.
Number 7...
Well, he's carrying 3 extra pounds,
And he hates the distance.
Those are just words on a page.
I look the horse in the eye,
And he tells me... he is the winner.
Tells ya?
- Perhaps this will sound crazy. - No need
for the qualifier.
But I have always been able to see into the
soul of a horse.
It is a gift, and I do not question it.
Just like I always end up on the shortest
line at the bank.
Maybe I should bet on your horse.
Are you kidding me? These aren't just
words.
They give you all this information,
so you can make an informed decision
- and beat the odds. - Yes, of course,
And this is why everybody with a racing form
is rich.
Now come on. It's time to place our bets.
What's it gonna be, Manny?
$2 on my hometown.
You really think he's going to win?
Well, I only know what he tells me with his
eyes.
Don't ask me why, but maybe in some previous
life, I was a horse.
Or part of a horse.
Oh, hey, Alex called.
She left her cell phone here.
She's gonna come back and get it.
Cam, did you do something to your fish
trophy?
Oh, yeah, I forgot about this fun middle
part.
You see, now it looks like a fish jumping
out of the water.
 Modern.Family.S03E11
Yeah, right over mine. Hmm? Get it?
Do I sense something, Mitch? About three sentences ago.
You know, just because mine's a little Hola, Haley.
taller than yours, Hi, Gloria. Thanks for coming over.
doesn't make yours any less important. En espanol, por favor.
Oh, no. That's not what I was feeling, Uh, hola, Gloria.
not even a little bit. Gracias for coming over.
Oh, my god. You don't like that I put my No, the whole thing.
trophy up. I don't know the whole thing.
I just think it's a little weird Why do I even need to learn Spanish?
that immediately after I win a trophy, I live in california. I'm never gonna use
You feel the need to dig this thing up it.
and plop it down next to mine. That's the problem with Americans.
I'll have you know They expect all of us to know their
that I want to display this for quite some language,
time. but they don't even make the effort to learn
But I put it in box in the garage ours.
with all my other awards-- Win a war sometime.
Yes, award-z-- Then we'll start talking like you.
Out of courtesy to a sadly award-less you. Ha. So wrong.
It looks ridiculous. Oh, hey, Gloria.
Mine is a distinguished professional award Hi, Phil. How are you?
given to me by my peers, I wish I knew.
and yours was given to you on a pier. Why? What's wrong?
Okay, well, for your information, Uh, I don't wanna bum you out.
when I won this, it was a very big deal. My doctor did some tests
I cut a ribbon at the grocery store and and said he'd call if something was wrong,
signed autographs. and he called this morning.
"Best fishes, Cameron Tucker" And what did he say?
Oh, you know what? I just remembered! I don't know. I missed the call.
Mine comes with a really fun pedestal, too! Now I can't reach him.
Oh! Look at that! The black mouse.
Oh, and proper hierarchy is restored. - What? - In my dream.
Mm-hmm. It was a bad omen.
Unless you suddenly remember But probably not for you.
that your fish came with a top hat. The staircase.
Okay. you know what? No, no, no. You're fine. You're fine.
I'm gonna go get Lily from her party and Am I? Get this --
go to the park. 15 years ago, I won a lifetime supply of
OK. razor blades.
This award has changed you, Mitchell. They ran out...
You may be flying high now, today.
but pretty soon, you're gonna be free What's with the spitting? Are you warding
falling, Tom Petty... off death?
Because you're petty. No. When I did
Tom Petty. I think I suck in a little bug.

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-【439】-

$16 for the first race, $10 from the second
race,
plus $34--$60?
You're a genius, dad.
Well, I cannot take all the credit.
It is a particularly chatty group of horses
today.
I love gambling! It's so easy!
It's not easy.
Well, not for you. You've lost, what, three
in a row?
Oh, burn, Jay!
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
This is all so heady.
$50 on little bacon to win.
Ooh-ee.
- Yeah, ooh-ee. - What? What ooh-ee?
There is something not right about that
horse.
- I think I saw it, too. - You didn't see
anything.
This horse is a heavy favorite.
The rest of the pack couldn't beat a
merry-go-round.
I'm sticking with little bacon.
It's your funeral.
Who are we going with, dad?
Nobody in this race, papito.
It was quiet down there in the paddock just
now--
too quiet.
Oh, gee. You know what? Make it $300.
Oh, my.
I'm telling you, kid, this is the one.
And you know how I know?
'cause it said, "pfft."
They don't talk like that.
"Maria bought a beautiful white dress for
her wedding."
Um, Maria compro
un hermoso vestido blanco
para su-- I-I'm sorry.
I cannot concentrate with him here.
What are you doing?
Just taking it all in.
You're a beautiful, intelligent woman...
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And don't you ever forget it.
Wow, he is so weird sometimes.
No, he's not weird! He's a saint!
And you will miss him when he's gone...
One day.
Hey, uncle Mitchell.
Your, uh, phone's on the table.
What's that?
Oh, Cam's old fishing trophy.
Yeah, when I woke up this morning,
That's where I found it.
Right after you got yours?
Thank you!
Oh, my god. Welcome to my world.
Last week, I got this beautiful plaque
from the debate team for outstanding
achievement,
and what did my mom do?
She found one of Luke's "participant"
ribbons
and a certificate Haley got for showing up
somewhere on time,
and put all three of them together on the
same shelf!
It's, like, so unfair!
I was so glad I talked to Alex,
because she agreed with every single thing
I was feeling--
which made me realize
that I was acting like a 14-year-old girl.
Ah, come on, kid.
I just lost an arm 'cause of you.
Now get your head in the game.
Sorry. I can't concentrate with my dad
staring at me.
I just love you so much.
I hope he's talking to you.
Ugh. Oh, great, now I'm dead.
I'm going to the bathroom.
You know, they say that happens.
Hey, Walt.
You ever think about death?
I'm 85. Death is my roommate.
I got a call from the doctor.
There's a 60% chance I'm gonna die.
Ha! Doctors--

said I'd be dead ten years ago.
Look at me.
I'm healthy as a--
I gotta go change my tank.
Phil, you've gotta let this go.
I'm sorry, Claire.
I don't know how to react
when I find out there's a 70% chance I'm
gonna die.
Honey, listen to me.
You're gonna be fine.
- You really think so? - I know so.
Claire's my rock.
You know when you're on a plane and there's
turbulence,
you look at the flight attendants,
and if they're still smiling and serving
drinks,
you know everything's gonna be okay?
That's Claire.
I could also picture her as a cop.
And into the final furlong it's little
bacon
followed by Bradswaxjacket
Go little bacon. Go little bacon.
You got this! You got this!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
And the winner is NO.9 little bacon by 3
lengths.
Yes! I knew it!
You see that, Manny? Dumb luck always runs
out.
But if you live in the real world,
and you use your head,
not have it in the clouds like Dr. Dolittle
there,
You'll do okay.
Guess we should have listened to Jay on this
one, dad.
You got that right. You should have
listened to Jay.
And I'll tell you something else.
You can't look in a horse's eyes
and tell there's something wrong.
You can't even look in their eyes at the
same time --
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One's here and one's here!
Come on. Let's go to the window, kid.
I may need some help carrying my winnings.
Oh. Wait.
Jay, look.
Inquiry.
What's that?
It is when a horse has committed an
infraction.
Possible infraction. Usually it's nothing.
I'm sure...
The number 9 horse little bacon
has been disqualified for interference.
What?!
The winner is number 6 bradswaxjacket.
You see?
The eyes...
They do not lie.
Tough break, Jay.
Here...
Little something for gas.
Cam was right. I-I was being petty.
So I found his box of old trophies
and I decided to surprise him
by having them on the mantle when he got
home.
Well, I was the one who was surprised.
I had no idea how many trophies he had--
First place, and all of them for different
things.
Music, football, art show, science fair,
a chili cook-off.
A lifetime of accolades hidden away
just so I wouldn't feel bad.
Aah! That's a mouse! That's a mou--oh! Ew!
Oh! Disgusting!
Oh, no! No, cam, I-I was gonna make a big
display!
I believe you have.
No, no, Cam! There was a--
Oh! Gross!
Listen, Manny, do me a favor
and get me a cappuccino from right over
there, okay?
No, it's okay. I got it.
So...

You wanna talk about what happened back
there?
- Not at all. - You know...
it is not just the horses whose souls I can
read through their eyes.
You really wanna know? I'll tell you.
Okay. I'll leave you alone.
All right, listen, hang on.
I'm sorry I went after you like that in
front of Manny.
That was wrong.
No, I get it. Nobody likes to lose at the
races.
I don't owe this guy anything.
He stops by a couple of times a year to see
his kid.
It used to be a relief, gave me a nice break.
But now Manny and I, we got our own thing.
Look, I know I'm not his dad...
Maybe I don't like the reminder.
- Oh! Oh, my gosh! - Hey, what's up?
- What? - We came as soon as we heard.
Heard what?
We heard Phil got bad news from the doctor.
Who told you that?
Gloria!
No, I didn't say that he got bad news...
I said that he was getting bad news.
You don't know that he's getting bad news.
I saw a black mouse.
I saw a black mouse.
So he says.
- Okay. You guys... - Oh, this is worse than
I thought!
No, it's not. Listen to me. Listen.
Phil is fine. As a matter of fact,
you should go before he even knows you're
here.
No, no. We're staying. We're staying.
We got here as soon as we could.
Did you bring the coffee cake?
Yes, I have it right here.
He carried it in from the car. I paid for
it.
Listen. Listen to me.
I am very sorry for what you are going
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through.
Thank you.
Who is this?
Who, indeed?
I am Javier Delgado, Manny's father
and Gloria's former husband and lover.
I hope you do not think this is insensitive,
but you are a beautiful woman,
and you will have no trouble to find a
man--...
Javier! The body is not even cold yet!
The body is upstairs watching basketball.
He is fine.
- Gloria said he was sick. - No.
He went to the doctor, he had some tests.
The doctor called. That's it.
Plus today he run out of his lifetime supply
of razors.
That's a sign.
This is a lot of hocus-pocus!
I can't believe I bought a coffee cake over
this!
Wait, wait, wait, no, no. I'm confused.
What did the doctor say exactly?
I don't know. We missed his call this
morning.
The doctor called on Saturday?
- Yeah. So? - Nothing.
Not nothing. Not nothing. What?
Well, it's just that, uh,
Doctors don't usually call on Saturday with
good news
But they could call--
I mean, he could call with anything.
Do you think he's sick...
What's... what going on?
Nothing. Nothing. Everybody just came by
for absolutely no reason at all.
You look worried.
I'm not worried.
Oh, god. The plane's in trouble.
You put away the drink cart and you're
strapping in.
- You're gonna be fine, kid! - You are gonna
be great!
I wish I looked this good.
 Modern.Family.S03E11
Stop, please! You're freaking me out. - Next up we have a-- - One quick thing--
Are you gonna die? Shout out to my, uh, college buddy Ling,
I don't know! There's stil a 5% chance I'll who built his own helicopter and is taking
make it! his first flight today,
- It's Dr. Sendroff. - Okay. Okay. and, uh, I also wanna wish a happy
Guys, I don't know what's on anniversary
the other end of this phone call... to my in-laws Jay and Dede Pritchett.
But whatever happens, I just want you to Your eternal love is an inspiration to us
know, all.
you've already given me a lifetime supply Okay. That's enough.
of happiness. Next up, we have a homemaker from West
I remember once as a child-- Mifflin, Pennsylvania.
- Answer it! - Do it! Hi.
Dr. Sendroff?
What's the word?
- Are you serious? - What?
That's it?
What is it?!
H-hold on one second.
He's calling about a real estate listing.
I'm fine.
Ay, no.
Yesterday, you said you'd call if something
was wrong.
Then you called, then you disappeared.
That is the most irresponsible,
unprofessional thing
I've ever heard of in my entire life!
And do you have anyone to represent you
in the sale of your current house?
Look into his eyes.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I give him six months.
Stop staring.
So, Phil Ddunphy, tell us a little bit about
yourself.
Well, Chip, I'm married to a great lady--hi,
Claire!
And I have a baby girl.
Um, I'm a real estate agent, and I enjoy
playing checkers.
- Okay. - Both chinese and american.
And, uh, I am a fan of hip-hop.
Well, good for you.
Though I try to stay neutral in the whole
east coast/west coast thang.

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Modern.Family.S03E12
So the five keys to investing wisely in a
down real estate market are...
KEYp your cool...
KEYp informed...
Legwork.
I recently became a partner in a new agency,
so I put together a seminar
to recruit first-time home buyers.
I want to give 'em a step-by-step
description
of exactly what I can do for them.
Am I worried tha they might write it all
down
and just do it themselves?
Quite frankly, I hadn't thought about it
until just now.
Do I really have to go to this thing?
Yes. You're a big part of today.
You're my support staff.
Then why am I not getting paid?
That is a good question.
And I think I'm gonna text you the answer
on that cell phone we pay for.
Honey, do you wanna practice your part
again?
Uh, no. It's just one question. I think I
got it.
Yeah, but it's the most important question
because it launches me into my big finish.
- Yes. - That way, people leave excited.
Oh, I think people will be excited to leave.
Luke...
Why?
I'm sorry. It's for school.
I have to design a container that'll
protect an egg
in a 1-story drop.
Yeah, so, um,
you thought you would go with an egg carton?
What if the best idea was under my nose the
whole time?
You're gonna need to come down and clean
this up now.
Ugh! I wouldn't have to do any of this
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-【444】-
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if Alex would just let me use hers from when
she took the class.
Never.
That design is my intellectual property.
I think it has applications for unmanned
space flight.
Keep talking like that
and you'll go through life unmanned.
- Funny. - Girls.
Luke, honey, listen to me.
You're gonna need to do this project on your
own.
And you can do it. Just... really think.
I've got it!
What if I'm the container?
There's a thought. You could be...
No, Luke! Luke!
Okay, si, te quiero. Mwah, mwah, mwah!
I understood "Crazy old witch,"
"Go kill yourself," Then "I love you."
I'll never get this, how you all yell at
each other.
That's how you know that your family loves
you
when they feel free to scream at you.
Oh, I guess I owe my ex-wife an apology.
Apparently,she was nuts about me.
Darn it!
Try the next one over a frying pan.
I could use some breakfast.
This is so frustrating.
At least you're getting your hands dirty
for a change.
It is a nice break from the life of the mind
I usually live.
That's the spirit.
Plus it's a metaphor for the human
condition.
Aren't we all just fragile eggs
hiding behind bubble wrap and bravado?
And we're back.
Well, I'm sure that your egg-droppy thing
is going to be the best in the class.
Except for Luke's.
Really? Our Luke?
But isn't he, like, a little, like...

I bet Claire's gonna help him,
just like she did with his self-portrait
for art class.
There was life in those eyes.
It was haunting.
Tell you what. I'm gonna nip this in the
bud.
You deserve a fighting chance.
Hey, I'm calling about that, uh, egg
project the boys are doing.
Parents aren't supposed to help out on that,
right?
Why would the parents be helping?
Why do they cut grapes for 8-year-olds?
I figure if you can eat a chicken finger,
you can tear your way through a grape.
Again, dad?
Oh, I'm sorry, it just...
bugs me, is all.
The point is, I'm not helping,
and I hope no one else is helping, either.
Okay, dad. Thanks for the heads-up.
Love you. Bye-bye.
Well, my dad is doing Manny's project for
him.
He called to tell you that?
Oh, no. He called to tell me that he wasn't,
which is exactly what you say when you are,
but you don't want anybody to suspect it.
Really?
What would you say if you had issues with
your father?
Claire and Jay are incredibly competitive.
Tennis games, card games, everything.
Who knows why?
Claire is the son that my dad never had.
I mean, he just wanted someone to throw a
ball in the backyard.
I did once, but...
He did not attend.
Looks like fun.
It was, but now it's hard.
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna do great,
buddy...
Claire?
Uh, I am just showing interest in our son's
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-【445】-
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project,
which any parent would--
Think! Think... to do. Thinking... I am,
that maybe I should stay here
in case Luke has any questions.
Do you think you can find somebody else
to help you with your seminar?
I don't know. That's a little last-minute.
You're kind of irreplaceable.
Well, I mean, it's just one question,
and the seminar isn't for a few hours...
Hey, Gloria? Quick favor.
Okay. See you there. Bye-bye.
What was that?
Phil.
He needs help with a seminar that he's
giving.
Why can't Claire help him?
- He didn't say. - I'll tell you why
because she's knee-deep in Luke's egg drop
project.
She said that she was not going to help.
That's exactly what I would say to me
if I was helping my kid and didn't want me
to know.
Why would you be talking to you?
I'm just saying it's unfair to Manny.
The kid doesn't stand a chance on his own.
I'm tagging in here.
Jay, he doesn't need you to baby him.
I'm just gonna give him a few tips.
Kid, get yourself a snack.
Okay, I'll cut him some grapes.
Damn it!
Not like that, Jay.
Like this. Look.
It just irritates me, you know what I mean?
We're meeting with prospective birth
mothers.
We've had a few of these meetings,
and they're very nerve-racking.
You want to look good,
You want to make a good first impression
kind of like a first date.
Actually, it's--it's the opposite of a
first date.

You don't wanna have sex, but you do want
a baby.
I have to say, Lily is adorable,
and such a good eater.
Oh, not all the time.
She just happens to love my tuna salad.
Dolphin safe, of course.
Oh, who cares about that?
Well, I bet the dolphins do.
It's okay to eat tuna, but not dolphin?
My theory is, a fish is a fish.
Well...
A dolphin's actually a mammal, so...
Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.
More like tomato, cow.
Mitchell, can you help me with the scones
in the kitchen?
Okay.
Excuse us.
Okay, this is not really about the scones.
Oh, really? You didn't need help carrying
six scones?
No, this is about your need to correct
everyone's every little mistake.
I am sorry.
I thought that she could use a basic biology
lesson.
Well, let me give you a basic biology
lesson--
you and I can't make a baby.
So if she points to a lamp and calls it
"Uncle George,"
What are you gonna say?
"Pleased to meet you, Uncle George."
Very good. Now let's get out there,
smile, nod, and get ourselves a baby.
Okay.
And those are your five keys.
Now if there are no more questions...
Ah, yes, the lovely home buyer right here
On the edge of her seat.
I was wondering...
I was wondering,
Is there a sixth key?
As a matter of fact,
There is.
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Modern.Family.S03E12
We'll work on that.
It's the key to the new home you've
purchased below market.
Thanks to Woosnum, Keneally, and Dunphy.
Bravo!
Fire the confetti cannon, drop the banner,
autographs, autographs, autographs,
and we're done.
We still have, like, an hour left.
Can I go shopping?
No. I-I have vocal exercises to do,
and I need you to do a sound check for me.
I was hoping we could go to my hair salon.
It's nearby. I didn't have time to finish
my hair this morning.
Really? That just happens?
Ooh, and I can get my nailse done.
Is it okay?
Okay. Sure.
Oh, oh!
Could one of you guys stick this under a
chair on your way out?
One of the lucky attendees is going home
with a brand-new mouse pad.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I don't wanna see which chair.
I wanna be blown away like everyone else.
Yes. Now that is feng shui.
Doesn't that feel better?
Oh, yes. It's wonderful for conversation.
Yes, this is nice.
It gives the room a nice flow, which I'm
really liking.
Sometimes, your furniture tells you where
it wants to be.
Yeah.
Do you mind if I use your restroom?
Not at all. It's-- it's just down the hall.
Just be warned--there's some furniture in
there
that kind of likes where it is!
Okay, I know it's killing you to do this
whole song and dance,
But I think it's going great.
Cam, there's a limit, okay?
We already promised her that we would show
 Modern.Family.S03E12
her son all 52 states. Oh, well, you know, after so many landed
Oh, wow, you have a keyboard. safely,
Oh, yes. That's mine. we thought we should test 'em,
You're musical. I love that. make sure we weren't working with a super
It's very important to me. strong batch.
Oh, well, you're preaching to the choir. Sounds like you knocked it out of the park.
Literally. I've sung in several. Oh yeah!We did.
Yeah, we sing to Lily... all of the time. Um, so dad,
I wish I could hear you guys. if I find out what Phil did with that
Oh, well, that's very sweet. soldering iron,
No, now. I'll run it over.
The baby's father is a musician, Great. . 'cause, uh,
and I would love to know we're gonna test it later today at the
that he's growing up in a musical househo. school.
- Okay. - Great. Fun. Maybe we'll meet you.
Okay. Now we are actually doing a song and We can come anytime, right?
dance. Cause we don't have a-a spring problem.
Okay, well, look at it this way-- Run 5?
We're not only adopting a baby, Perfect.
we're saving it from a life spent searching Okay. Bear with us. We're a little rusty.
for east Dakota. Yes, and please put all cell phones on
Oh, God. vibrate.
This is acally nice. *Don't go breaking my heart*
This is actually very nice to lean on. *I couldn't if I tried*
It broke again. *Honey, if I get restless*
Mm. Yes, I saw. *Baby, you're not that kind*
We'll just need to double up on the cotton. *Nobody knows it*
Here, let me save you a step. *Nobody knows*
Alex! *When I was down*
Knock, knock! *I was your clown*
Dad! Hey! What are you doing here? I really am a clown.
Manny needs that solder iron I lent to Phil. *I gave you my heart*
One of the screws on his project keeps *So don't go breaking my heart*
coming loose. *I won't go breaking your heart*
Other than that, it's flawless. *Don't go breaking my*
Huh. His latest test run, he dropped it off *Don't go breaking my heart.Yeah*
the roof, - Thank you. - It was wonderful.
he walked downstairs, it hadn't landed yet. Oh. I'm confused, though.
I had nothing. I had to get in Claire's I thought Cameron was the singer.
head. Yeah.
Sometimes the best thing to do in race to Yes, yes, I am.
the top... Really? Because mitchell has such a lovely
is grease the pole behind you. voice.
Wow. So Manny's still working? Well, I think he was following my lead.
Luke finished a couple hours ago. You know, a good leader can make all the
Is that why all these eggs are on the floor? difference.

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-【447】-

Actually, you were a little pitchy.
But it was terrific, really.
Thank you.
Yes. Thank you for your opinion.
Faster! Faster! We're going to be late to
your father.
Why did you have to do your toes, too?
Well, there's this really cute boy at
school
who's kinda into my feet.
Be careful. That can get really creepy
fast.
Ay. Where is the car? I parked it here!
It's a tow zone.
Somebody just put that there,
because that wasn't here when I parked!
It looks pretty old to me.
Haley, don't lie. That was not here!
Ladies and gentlemen...
Get ready for one of the giants
of residential real estate...
A salesman's salesman...
Where are you guys? I've been calling you!
A realtor's realtor...
You were supposed to do my intro.
Now I have to.
2-time non-consecutive winner of the
realtor of the year award...
Just get back here by the end.
Future investors,
Stop making excuses!
And start... making your dreams come true!
Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Dunphy!
How are you?
Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it.
Welcome.
Taxi!
You see? They don't stop because I'm
latina.
Or because that was just a yellow car.
My dad is gonna freak out.
You have to take the blame for this.
Why me?
Oh, because he'll never get mad at you.
He totally puts you on a pedestal.
That's not true.
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-【448】-
Modern.Family.S03E12
Yeah, it is.
Let me just call the cab company.
Taxi!
It's not rocket science, people, it's just
a little red card.
Okay. I guess nobody needs a mouse pad.
How's my favorite kid doing?
Favorite?
Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to have
favorites.
But you know what? We do.
And the good news is, it's you.
I'm not giving you my design.
Who said anything about giving?
We can work out an arrangement.
It's cheating.
What do you want? Money?
I got a little something set aside.
Okay. I shouldn't even be giving you this
hint,
but, first get a mirror.
A mirror?
Then you're gonna look in it,
and you're gonna see a crazy woman.
She needs your help.
You know, I made the egg that made you,
that made that project,
so in a lot of ways, that design is already
mine!
Oh, you're fine.
Are you sure that there are no more
questions?
No more questions? Yes!
If we could just get that over to the
mustachioed gentleman.
Yes, I was--
Oh, hey, I think we're all tired of that
sound.
Let me just come to you.
I bet I know what your question is.
You're probably wondering
if there's sixth key.
No, I was wondering about--
I was wondering about accelerated escrow.
If it works for both parties,
it's a great way to expedite the deal.

But back to your first question
about this mysterious sixth key.
- I didn't say anything-- - The sixth key
is the key
to the new home that you purchased below
market.
Using the simple principles that you
learned here today...
But not so simple that you don't still need
the professional services
of Woosnum, Keneally... And Dunphy!
Thank you for coming.
Son of a--
So is--is there anything that you'd like
to know about us?
I don't think so.
In fact, I don't think I need to interview
any more people.
You guys are perfect.
Are--are you saying what I think you're
saying?
I'm not supposed to say anything to you
directly,
but I think you guys should be expecting
good news.
Aah! Oh, gosh!
Oh, I know, I know, you're not saying
anything!
But what you're not saying is wonderful!
Um, all right. I'm gonna get some sparkling
cider?
Yes, yes. Okay, okay.
It wouldn't be a celebration without cider
or a celebratory song.
But this time, I want you to sit right here.
So have a seat here.
Let's just get this mop out of the way
there.
*If you leave me now*
*You'll take away the biggest part of me*
*Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, baby, please don't go*
*Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, I just want you to stay*
Yes, she was upset, but on a positive note,
what I take from this experience is, I can
sing.
Uh, what we didn't take away from the
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-【449】-
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experience is a baby,
Because she decided to keep it.
No. Did we missed everything?
Yeah. They cleared out of here pretty fast.
Bummer.
More than a bummer, Haley.
This was really important to me, and you
blew it.
Ay, no, Phil, it was my fault.
It was not her fault.
Okay. What's done is done.
Can you take the brochures out to the car?
Wow. It's still full.
Yeah, it is.
So it was not very good?
Um... no.
I kind of need to sweep here.
Okay. But--but I'm so sorry, Phil.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
We came late and we ruined your whole
presentation.
These things happen.
Yeah, it happens, and people get angry.
Gloria, it's fine.
No, it's not fine!
I'm trying to have a real conversation,
and all you do is put me on a pedestal!
Wait a minute. You'mad at me?
Yes, because that's not how family's
supposed to treat each other!
You know how family's supposed to treat
each other?
They're supposed to actually think about
each other!
I asked you to do one thing...
And you were too selfish and irresponsible
to come through for me on a day that,
believe it or not,
was really important to me!
Oh, my god. You're crying. I'm so sorry.
No! That's what I want!
You yell at me because you love me!
Well, you made me mad.
And you should be.
Well, I'm not anymore.

Don't treat me like that, Phil.
Because now I'm furious!
Ay, mi familia! Si.
Oh, how do you do that?
It makes me so...
Mad.
That's a pretty nice piece of handiwork for
a 13-year-old.
Yeah, Luke did pretty good, too,
for a kid who still needs help getting out
of his backpack.
- Still your grandson. - Felt bad when I
said it.
Okay, let's do this.
Watch out, kids! They're coming down!
One, two, three.
How'd we do?
Both eggs are okay.
Great. So we both win.
Unacceptable.
We're going up another level.
Absolutely. Come on. Third floor.
Meet us there, Alex. Let's go.
Wait.
You don't have to do this.
The assignment was for a 1-story drop.
We both get A's.
We're doing this.
I don't like this.
The two of them talking up there--
they're gonna figure out what we did.
We did what we had to.
We're gonna get caught.
Look at them down there.
They're not even paying attention.
This is the best part.
Actually, Manny looks kind of upset.
Why would he be? He's about to kick Luke's
butt.
Oh, knock it off.
Luke and Manny had as much to do with this
project
as they did with the Manhattan Project.
You think that's what's going on?
They're upset because we took over for
them?
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-【450】-
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Maybe.
They were supposed to--to learn from this,
and--and we ruined it.
- We should go talk to them. - Yeah.
Boys, we need to talk.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Just stay frosty.
So, uh, we realized couple things up there,
and I think apologies are in order.
Ok, we admit it.
We tricked you into doing our projects for
us.
What?
This is the first I'm hearing of this.
We knew you'd do all the work
if you thought you were competing with each
other.
So I told you I thought Claire was helping
Luke,
and then you called Claire...
which got me involved, and...
All right. Here's what's gonna happen--
You're gonna get in the car, we're gonna
drive home,
and you're each gonna do your own projects.
Fine.
You know, this is your fault.
What?
The way we compete with each other it's--is
sick.
It's so sick, two 13-year-olds
Know how to take advantage of us.
And you know what? You made me this way.
How do you figure that?
Dad! You pushed me into sports.
You never let me win. You know, that stuff--
it does something to a girl.
For your information, you came out of the
womb like that.
I'm not entirely sure there wasn't a twin
in there
you bumped off.
If you saw that in me, why didn't you
discourage it?
Why would I discourage something that I
love?
 Modern.Family.S03E12
Really?
You kidding?
You're a fighter.
The thing I love about you is you never give
up.
Dad.
Even though I clearly designed a superior
egg container.
Out of your mind, old man.
Only one way to find out.
Give up.
You're all just playing for second.
There's something wrong with that one.
I'm not wrong.
Mom can be crazy, right?
Hello!
Thank you.
At the same time, I feel guilty when I get
mad at her.
I don't think that's weird.
Just really proud of my project.
I don't wanna share it.
Everybody has his own thing.
Thanks, Haley.
I know it might sound dorky,
but this late-night conversations really
mean a lot to me.
They're the only time that I feel like I...
Ok, Corey, just one picture.
Hold on.
My feet look fat from this angle.
Hey, Alex, wake up.
I need you to take a picture for my feet.

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-【451】-
 Modern.Family.S03E13
How? How, Phil? How are we gonna "Work on
Modern.Family.S03E13 it"?
Did you see it? First of all, lose the snippy attitude.
Does she know? And I don't know--maybe we could have a mock
This is the last thing she needs today. debate.
No! Oh. Good idea.
Busy day at the Dunphy compound. That way, mom can rehearse her views on the
We have a wedding tonight, issues.
and this afternoon, Claire is debating Yeah, and we can point out all the little
Duane Bailey things
in the race for town council. she does that turn people off.
And now the "Weekly Saver" says Like that look. I would lose that look.
that some voters find Claire-- quote-- Spooky, but better.
"Angry and unlikable." All right. Thank you very much.
To those voters, I say, Hey, Lily! Come here, honey!
"Wait till she sees this." Hi! Do you know what this is?
No one can mention it to her. A box.
We can't have some unscientific poll - Containing? -She doesn't know
shaking Claire's confidence. "containing."
Phil... Well, that's how she learns new words, by
- What poll? -Too late. She knows. us using them.
Who told her? Or, that's how we lower her self-esteem,
- What is this, a witch hunt? - Oh, my god. by bombarding her with confusing
I have to go. vocabulary.
Well, I just don't think it's a big deal. What's the box containing?
I mean, how many people read the Told you.
"Weekly..." Okay. It's your dress.
- "Saver"? -"Saver," anyway? It's finally here!
22,000... ish. It's every little girl's dream
My company adver-- to be a flower girl in a wedding.
used to advertise with that newspaper. It's Lily's chance to shine.
And how am I angry and unlikable? I was a 3-time ring bearer.
Can I take this one? It's lily's chance to shine.
I wouldn't. Pretty!
You seem angry now. Oh, no, Cam--
I am angry, at that poll. Cam, she's gonna look like little bo peep.
I think it's the yelling. I would tone down Or little bo cheap.
the yelling. Look at this fabric. It's already pilling.
Honey, I don't yell for no reason. Maybe it look better on?
You yelled at my teacher for calling me You mean turned on?
"special." No, it does not--Cam!
Honey, that was not a compliment. I love it!
- Sweetheart, you're not unlikable. - Thank No, you don't.
you. Oh, my gosh. Are we really gonna let her
You just seem unlikable. wear this?
But if we work on it, it's totally fixable. You know what? If the bride wants to have

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【452】-

a tacky wedding,
She can have a tacky wedding.
- Lily will be the bright spot. - Literally.
Heard it as soon as I said it.
Stella!
Where's my good girl?
Gloria, is stella up there?
No. But I am.
Why don't you say "hello" your wife when
you come home?
Well, why don't you greet me at the door,
wagging your tail?
Stella, honey! Where are you?
Stella!
My baby!
Stella, I'm coming! I'm coming!
You okay? You okay?
Why are you swimming in your clothes?
Because I'm self-conscious about my body.
Stella fell in the pool.
It's my fault. I let her out,
and then I got caught up in my couponing.
Any coupons for swim lessons?
'Cause Stella needs some.
Seriously? Manny you teach to swim
by throwing him in the pool,
but the dog gets swimming lessons?
I gotta say, it was unpleasant but
effective.
We have to teach Stella how to swim.
Otherwise, she could drown.
Why don't you teach her not to jump in the
pool?
She didn't jump in the pool. She fell in
the pool.
Why, suddenly, would she jump in the pool
when she doesn't know how to swim?
Why does she bark at the vacuum?
It's a thing. It is never going to play with
you.
Are you saying that Stella is stupid?
Are you covering her ears?
Let's have a little compassion.
She's probably still traumatized from her
near-death experience.
Again? What's happening?!
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Ay, no!
Welcome, candidates. Mrs. Dunphy...
Thank you for having me.
And councilman Bailey.
Gosh, thank you so much, Alex.
I'm deeply honored to be here,
and I remain, as ever, a humble servant
to the greatest little town
in the greatest darn--
Eye-rolling.
Playful eye rolling.
How do we, as voters, know it's playful?
I would avoid it.
Okay. No eye rolling.
And don't purse your lips like that.
It makes you look annoyed.
And don't touch your face.
Yeah, no face touching. Seems nervous.
Some of this is subjective.
- What? What now? - Anger.
It looks like you're scolding us.
I will keep my hands at my sides.
Not on your hips. You're not superman.
Can we get started?
We haven't started?
I've prepared some questions.
Oh, goody! Actual questions.
- Honk. Sarcasm. - Just go.
Okay, Mrs. Dunphy,
why are you running for local office?
Okay, that's, um, that's good.
I... um, I--
Mom, you really shouldn't stutter
over a basic question like that.
You should at least know why you're
running.
I thought the moderator was supposed to be
objective.
Not if she's the only one in the room
who has actual debate experience.
Now why are you running?
I saw the need for a stop sign in--
Liar!
Phil!
I-I just think you should be ready for
anything.

I saw the need for a s--
What?
Sorry. Accidental buzz.
I saw the need for a stop sign in my
neighborhood,
and although I collected the necessary
signatures
and did the paperwork, I found local
government
to be entirely unhelpful--
- When--what? - Too long. I'm bored.
Yeah, next question. I feel like I'm in
school.
Some say the political system is bogged
down
by ideological hard-liners
unwilling to compromise.
How would you respond to that, councilman
Bailey?
I would like to use my lifeline.
I'll take this.
If elected, I would consider all
perspectives,
and I would not ignore opposing viewpoints.
Helicopter. Just keep going.
I would consider all perspectives,
- and I wouldn't ignore opposing-- - You
suck!
Luke!
You have to be ready for hecklers.
He's right.
Okay. I'm doing over. No buzzing.
If elected, I--
- What? - Too close to the mic.
Phil, it's a hairbrush.
Okay.
If elected, I would consider all opinions
and not ignore those of the opposition,
as councilman Bailey has done for six
terms.
What? That was a great answer.
Well, I couldn't hear it
because you were showing me the bad side
of your face.
I have a bad side?
- Yeah, the left. - No. It's the right.
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-【454】-
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Uh, dad, it's totally the left. I mean, look
at it.
Sweetheart, why do you think I chose my side
of the bed?
Okay! Okay. Thank you.
Thank you, family. This has been
super-duper helpful.
Hands, lips, sarcasm, eye-rolling,
wrong side of the face.
Oh, yeah. Now I see it.
Yep.
She's ready.
And it's this,
and it's this.
Not this,
but this.
- Okay. Okay, that's good, Cam. -And this.
Save--let's save some petals for Lily, all
right?
Okay. Let's do it over here, sweetheart.
- Right over here. - Okay.
There you go. Oh, like you're coming down
the aisle!
Not too many at once. That's good.
Okay. You're doing great, Lil.
Oh, she is, isn't she?
Forget the bride. All the eyes are gonna
be on her.
I cannot believe you laughed!
I am sorry. But you know I have two
weaknesses--
children cursing and old people rapping.
Cam, we have to tell her it's a bad word.
No. That just gives it more power.
The less we make of it, the better.
Let's just pretend like it never happened.
Okay. Yeah, maybe it-- maybe it didn't.
Maybe we--maybe we misheard.
Yeah. Maybe she said "Truck."
Or--or "Duck."
Or "Luck." She could have said "Yuck."
Daddy, can I have some ice cream?
No, honey, if you're hungry, you can have
some fruit.
Fruit? .
I have two children.

Phil? Phil, is this televised?
I didn't tell you because I didn't want to
make you nervous.
Great plan. Really good plan.
Throw me for a curveball at the last minute.
Mom, chill. It's just public access.
My debate team's on public access,
and the only people who watch me are you
guys.
Yep. All the time.
So maybe nobody will see this?
No. We want people to see this.
That's how you win elections. That's the
whole point.
Then mom should do something so crazy and
stupid.
- It goes viral. - Mom, please don't go
viral.
Okay. I'll add that to my list of things
not to do--
Don't touch my face, don't roll my eyes,
don't point my fingers,
and definitely don't go viral.
Do any of you still believe in me?
Of course we do. We're on your side.
The right side.
Not the left.
Let's grab a seat.
Right. Left.
Okay. Mom, just be confident.
Based on what? I just lost a debate in my
living room,
and people think I'm unlikable.
That's just the word men use for powerful
women
because they feel threatened.
So just forget everything else and be proud
and powerful.
How did you get so smart?
I've always assumed adoption or baby
switch.
Hey. Hey. No kisses!
Proud and powerful.
- Sorry. - And no apologizing.
Yes! Shut up and get in there!
That's more like it!
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-【455】-
Modern.Family.S03E13
Yeah!
Oh, god.
There she is.
- Go get 'em, Claire. -Thanks.
Don't worry. We're going to cheer for you
no matter what you say.
Oh, good. More support from my loving
family.
Honk. Sarcasm.
Why'd you bring Stella?
She keeps getting out and jumping in the
pool.
We don't wanna take any chances because she
can't swim.
Then why does she keep jumping in the pool?
I've been thinking about it. I got a theory.
She might be suicidal.
What? That's crazy.
There's not such thing as doggy suicide.
Hi. Duane Bailey.
Sorry. I couldn't help but overhear.
In addition to being a public servant,
I'm also an award-winning breeder of
puggles.
I've won the Puggly. Twice.
And I'm afraid that doggy suicide
is all too real.
It's just the mainstream media doesn't
report on it,
'cause it's not as sexy as feline A.I.D.S.
Stella is not suicidal. She's just...
estupid.
Well, that might be part of your problem.
She senses you don't like her.
You have no idea.
This one's been against this little angel
from the very beginning.
Yeah, well, dogs pick up on that.
You know, they're very sensitive.
I like to call them, um...
Bottomless pits of need.
But not to their face, though.
That would just destroy them.
Not you.
So now this is my fault?
I think he knows what he's talking about.

The man won a puggly.
- Two. I won two pugglies. - We're done
here.
- In 2000- - Yeah.
Do you have any idea what station this is
on?
Here, I'll look online.
It's a webcast? That would have been
helpful to know
900 channels ago.
No, it's on public access or something.
I wanna watch aunt claire!
Okay. Well, first, honey, we need to talk
about something.
It's about that word you said this morning.
What word?
You know, the one that starts with "F"?
- "Flower"? - No.
- "Fruit"? - No.
If she doesn't remember it, we shouldn't
remind her.
Oh, well, she said it three times.
Oh, you mean.
Cam, leave the room!
No. I can do this.
Lily, that is a bad word,
and you are not allowed to say it ever.
But it makes you laugh.
Okay, well, daddy shouldn't be laughing,
and you should never say that word.
Do you understand?
Maybe.
Okay. This is not a game, all right?
If you say that word one more time,
I'm gonna take away all your toys!
I'm serious! She knows I'm not serious.
What about the wedding?
What if she says it there?
She's like a ticking time bomb!
-Well, what are we gonna do, cancel? - Yes.
Maybe we just call and say,
"We're not going to any more weddings until
the gays can get married."
Oh, so now we're political?
We leave town on gay pride weekend
because we don't like the traffic.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【456】-
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But there's no substitute for experience.
For example, I doubt my opponent is
familiar
with town ordinance 26-12b...
26-12b has to do with noise pollution--
Something, sir, that you are guilty of
right now.
Oh, no she di'int!
Go, mom!
Ladies and gentlemen...
Look at her eyes.
I know. They're a little too close
together.
It's been bugging me for years.
No, she's in the zone.
She's ready for anything.
I do like to talk... about the issues.
Speaking of issues,
your husband seems to have some.
I'm sorry?
I'm not sorry. What?
Oh, well, I wouldn't want to bring it up,
but since you asked, um...
In february of last year, your husband,
one, uh, Phillip Dunphy, was questioned at
a local hotel
for lewd and lascivious conduct.
Oh, jeez.
That's not true.
Ma'am, according to this police report,
he, uh, broke into a stranger's room,
stripped naked...
and then posed provocatively on the bed.
That is technically true,
but in all fairness, it was valentine's
day.
Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. It was valentine's
day.
I'm not sure, uh,
if your husband was born in this country.
Perhaps he snuck in illegally,
but here in America, we celebrate
valentine's day
with chocolates,
not our private parts.
This is my new favorite show.
 Modern.Family.S03E13
No, sir, about the situation, not--not about me.
he was looking for me, his wife, Everything's fine down there.
and he walked into the wrong room. Anywho...
If you believe that, Where were we?
I have some talking puggles I'd like to sell All over YouTube.
you. We went viral.
Do you believe this? Some sick bastard auto-tuned me.
Talking dogs? I'm skeptical. I...
- I won the puggly. Twice. - Be strong. like a lot of men
I am glad that my opponent brought this up, in this town
as I feel that it speaks to his character I enjoy making love to my wife--wife
more than mine. And I don't know how to stop.
I think that we should raise the level of I am a pervert.
discourse Pervert--per--
and get back to the issues Jay! Manny!
that the voters really care about. We should have been there already!
When he was naked, what were you wearing? Gloria, I'm tying my tie!
I... don't think that's relevant. I'm accessorizing!
Are you sex freaks? And I thought I was the woman.
My personal life has nothing to do with The door.
this. Ay! Estella, no! No!
Uh--the--my opponent has brought this up Ay! No! No!
to distract from his own record, Estella, don't do it! Don't kill yourself!
which shows that in--in six years, You are a perfectly fine dog!
he has achieved nothing more than writing I don't hate you!
one ordinance Estella, okay, I was a little mean to you,
that allows private parties to have more but that's no reason to kill yourself!
than eight dogs. You are young!
It's like watching the "Hindenburg." You still have so much left to smell!
This is the most horrible thing I've ever Ay!
seen in my life. I am--I go!
- Excuse me! - Stand by. I'm coming!
I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I'm--Manny!
I, like a lot of men in this town, Ay! Come on, Estella!
enjoy making love to my wife. - What happened? - Are you okay?
I mean, um... I mean with their wives. She did it again.
Not me, them. - And you jumped in to save her? - No, Jay!
Look, I should probably just sit down and I wanted to take a little swim before going
say nothing. to the wedding!
But it's too late. Get her a towel. She's shaking like a leaf.
I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, Oh, no, no, I meant--
and now you're looking at me, - I meant-- - Thank you, Jay.
and I feel the need to keep going. The dog towel for me.
First of all... For the wife.
no charges were filed. Hi!
Everyone had a good laugh-- Hey, guys. Hi.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【457】-

Hi. Hey, what's shaking? What's cooking?
You saw the debate, didn't you?
The de-what? No, that wasn't--
That was today? No, no. Was that on today?
Oh, I didn't remember.
You are the worst liars.
It was phenomenal television.
Oh, Lily.
What a...
Dress.
Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
How about there... we go.
Yikes. She looks like a lite brite.
Luke, honey.
Lily, sweetie, are you excited to be a
flower girl?
Yeah?
Little bit nervous?
Yeah?
Why isn't she talking to me? Did she see
the debate, too?
Nope, she's on verbal lockdown.
- Oh? - She's been dropping a certain curse
word all day.
Mm. Yeah. Yeah, so we're just hoping
the next one doesn't happen during the
wedding.
If it does, it'll be the second most
embarrassing thing
to happen to our family today.
Phil, you said it wasn't that bad.
That was in the car. We're in a church now.
Honey...
Somebody turn her off. I think I'm having
a seizure.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, good. I thought that we were going to
miss Lily.
Ships at sea wouldn't miss Lily. Where have
you guys been?
I had to jump in the pool to save the stupid
dog...
Who she loves.
That I didn't let her down doesn't mean that
I love her.
I barely got Manny back in the pool
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-【458】-
Modern.Family.S03E13
after that possum incident.
I thought it drowned,
but turns out it was just playing possum.
Yes, papi.
Good job!
You know what the worst part of today was?
I imagine it's hard to choose.
When everything was melting down,
I realized I had an answer to your question,
why I was running.
I wanted to make my family proud,
and I did the exact opposite.
No.
No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.
No. No, dad embarrassed me.
I was proud of you.
I think it's cool you're running for local
office.
I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind
of my thing.
Hmm. Maybe it's kind of our thing.
Ah. Some day, I'll walk you down the aisle.
If you're not in perv jail.
Please be seated.
Friends, family, thank you for making...
Really?
Well, you know I cry at weddings.
Oh, no.
- What? - Stop--stop crying.
Well, just because you have ice water in
your veins,
- doesn't mean that-- - No. No, Lily...
No. Lily...
He's fine. Daddy's fine.
- Daddy's not sad. - Daddy, daddy!
You see? I told you it was funny.
Excuse us.
Congratulations.
There. That ought to do it.. Go on, you
little motorboat!
Look at her go!
Where's she going?
Oh, jeez, I think she's trying to get
herself
sucked into the filter.
What'd you say to her?
 Modern.Family.S03E13
I didn't say anything!
Wait a second.
Jay, look.
See? She was not trying to kill herself.
She was just trying to get to the squeaky
wiener!
That must be why she's been jumping in.
It must have been there all the time. That's
hilarious!
Ay, si!
No, it's not!
Not now.
I'm saying it will be.
Later.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【459】-

Modern.Family.S03E14
Oh, I hope Tad likes salmon.
It's a bit of a risk serving fish
to a first-time diner at Dunphy's.
Maybe I should marinate a steak for backup.
I think someone has a man crush.
First of all, I would never date a potential
client.
That's "First of all"?
Secondly, I really need this to go well
so he makes me his realtor. This guy's
flipping properties
like they're extras in a kung fu movie.
So you're just kissing up to this guy for
his money?
Not just. I really like him.
He travels the world doing charity work,
rock climbs, flies planes...
How does he have time to do all that?
Got divorced, and his whole life opened up.
Guy's living the dream.
His dream.
Not my dream. I'm living my dream.
You're my dream.
You can stop.
I so don't want to do this.
Recently, Haley got a little creative
on one of her college applications
and listed herself as a "Big Sister.",
Technically, I am a big sister.
She capitalized the "B" And the "S.",
Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
So Claire and I suggested--
Forced.
that she volunteer for the organization.
We couldn't be prouder.
We could.
Little bit.
Hey, dad?
Did you accidentally leave this hilarious
book
Of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
I'll tell you if you can answer the
following question--
What's the difference between
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【460】-
Modern.Family.S03E14
- a catfish and a lawyer? - I don't know.
What?
Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud-dweller.
The other's a fish.
zing!
Honk!
Okay, everyone, dinner is served!
let's get it!
Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and
Gloria
invited us to stay here for a few days.
I am very excited to have 72 hours with this
one.
We don't get to spend much time together,
so I know that we're gonna be like, um...
Fred and Ginger?,
Who?
Movie night!
It's nosier than usual around here.
oh, gosh!
Tad, this wine is fantastic.
Spend a week in Mendoza,
and you'll find a dozen or so Malbec
producers
that'll give most Bordeaux a real run for
their money.
Mm. I'm sorry.
This should come with a warning--
"May cause pretentiousness."
You should come with a warning-- "May be
fascinating."
- Oh! Excuse me. -Oh, gosh!
Oh, that's, like, the ninth time this screw
has popped out.
Oh, you know what? I need the angled
screwdriver.
I left it at the office.
I, um, I keep it there because of--of all
my signs.
I'll, uh, put up a "For sale" sign,
and next day, of course,
- I gotta put up the "Sold" banner. - Yeah.
Then the next day, same deal--"For sale"
"Sold."
"For sale." "Sold." "For sale." "Sold."
You're a great-- great salesman.

- I'm getting that. - "For sale." "Sold."
Right. Listen, I-I-I gotta go relieve the
babysitter.
My ex-wife took 50% of my stuff
and left me 100% of my kids.
- They're great. Hey, listen, um,
thank you so much for coming.
Oh, no, thank you, Phil, so much
for the salmon and the steak
and the chicken and the shrimp.
I mean, it was all just delicious.
- Oh, great. - This guy is very lucky to
have you.
Okay. Thanks.
Yeah.
All right.
- Let me grab that. -Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Did you see that?
A handshake that almost became a hug?
Yeah, I saw it. I lived it. I think I'm in.
No, honey. He kissed me on the lips.
- Another good sign! - It's not a good sign.
Sweetie, you don't think that's weird?
Well, the guy's a world traveler.
He has a time share in Costa Rica.
That's probably how they do it there.
I don't know, honey. It felt like he
lingered.
It's a progressive culture.
Most of them travel by zip line.
biscuits and gravy?
Yep, my grandma Bitsy's secret recipe,
given to her by her housekeeper Delilah,
Who raised her and was her best friend--
kind of like "The help," except Delilah was
white,
and was actually herself quite the racist.
Eat up.
Good morning!
- Hi, mom. - Hi, sweetheart.
Ah, where did those come from?
Yeah, I thought amaryllis were out of
season.
Oh, I got a guy. You know, I just thought
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【461】-
Modern.Family.S03E14
they'd brighten up the house a little bit.
Oh, that was so thoughtful of you.
I didn't realize that my house needed
brightening up.
There she is!
Gloria! Gloria!
Ay! Let me fix your hair!
Oh. Well, isn't that sweet?
I didn't realize her hair was broken.
Ah! That smells delicious,
but nothing for me. I've got an early work
lunch.
Really? I didn't hear an ambulance.,
Yeah, it's funny because it's what I've
dedicated my life to.
Oh, is this that meeting with the deejay
with the funny name?
Booker Bell.
- Booker Bell. - Booker Bell?
Everybody now!
Booker Bell was only the greatest deejay
in the history of drive time radio.
Yeah, well, now he has some wetlands that
developers want,
and we're trying to get him to donate for
preservation.
When I was on the road selling,
I used to listen to Booker all the time.
He practically invented the prank phone
call.
Okay. Wish me luck.
Good luck, sweetie!
Booker would play a prank,
the sucker would be twisting in the wind,
and just when you couldn't stand it
anymore,
he'd say, "Guess who just got their bell
rung!"
God, I'd love to meet him.
Oh, they're just going down to Rae's.
You should pop down.
- I'm sure he'd love to meet a fan. - I don't
know.
I met Boz Scaggs once, got all tongue-tied.
Oh, you'll be fine.
Oh! Oh, Lily, it's time for school,

sweetie.
Oh, I can take her.
Oh. That'd be great.
Yeah, it'd give me some more time to clean
the kitchen.
Maybe do a little dusting.
Delicious, Cam.
Annie was amazing, so funny and cute and
sweet.
- Yeah, you've said. - She made this for
me last night.
Look how she signs her name with that big
loopy "A."
I'm totally going to frame this.
I made this for Haley four years ago.
You think this got framed?
She tossed it in the garbage...
Right after she wrote "Mrs. Haley Jonas
Brothers"
on it, like, 30 times.
The tax write-off alone makes financial
sense.
You know, even if you take the environment
out of it.
Well, don't take the environment out of it.
Without the wetlands, there's no ducks,
and without the ducks, there's nothing for
me to shoot at.
Okay. Well, we're shooting from two
different angles,
but, uh, hopefully we'll end up at the same
place.
- Mitch. - Dad?
I just had to stop down and meet this guy.
Booker Bell, I'm Boz Scaggs--
No! I mean Jay Pritchett. Damn it.
- It's nice to meet you. - This is such an
honor.
You are hands down my favorite radio
personality of all time.
That's kind of you to say.
Okay. Well, thanks for stopping by, dad.
You know, I gotta tell you one thing.
I'll see you back at the house.
One time when I was driving from Youngstown
to Sugar Creek,
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【462】-
Modern.Family.S03E14
You called this guy at a kitty litter
company
and you asked him to bring over 900 pounds
of litter,
and in the background, you hear all these
lions roaring, and...
I-I laughed so hard, I almost had an
cicident.
The car or you?
Funny as ever!
- Anyway... - Hey, are you still in
touch...with the old gang?
Grandma groovy? Spaceman Clyde?
- Are you kidding? I am the old gang. - No
way.
I may be old, but I still know how to boogie.
My god, it's like she's here!
She is here!
How are you still not getting this?
That's her.
Excuse me for a sec.
What are you doing?
What? I'm a fan. I came down to say hi.
This is a business meeting.
Do you have any idea how inappropriate this
is?
No. No, of course you don't,
because as far as you're concerned, all a
lawyer does
is walk into a bar with a rabbi and a polar
bear.
Grizzly, 'cause otherwise, when the
bartender--
Dad! I'm working!
You're embarrassing both of us!
Please, you gotta go!
All right. I didn't realize that.
Yeah. Yeah. You didn't.
I'm sorry. Go.
Hey. Where's my stalker?
Oh, he's gone. I got rid of him.
Sorry that he attacked you like that.
Attacked?
No. I don't mind a little smoke up my
bombers.
Well, I just thought since this was

supposed a business meeting.
We should...
And you thought maybe having somebody make
me feel good would
wreck it?
There's--there's been a lot of tension
between me and my dad.
I'm actually staying at his house and it's
just a...
Oh, so you chased away a man who's opened
his home to you?
I get the sense that I'm losing you.
Could I talk to Grandma Groovy?
Honey, I'm home!
Well, I didn't expect you so early, dear.
What? You?
Yeah. Look who came by to fix the table.
Well, I had some time to kill,
so I thought I'd drop by with that tool your
wife needed.
- Wow. What a guy. - Yeah.
He also brought some wine.
Well, you said you liked it last night,
so I had a couple extra bottles lying
around.
Boy, do you know the way to this gal's
heart.
I didn't just come here to fix your table
and get your wife drunk.
I actually decided to give you
that listing on the sycamore property.
Really? That's great.
Yeah. Why don't you, uh, come over for
dinner tonight?
And, uh, we'll work out all the details.
One entree.
Claire, you should come, too.
Oh, no, no. No, no, if it's business--
I insist.
- He insists. We'll be there. We're coming.
- Okay.
Yeah, shall we say, uh, 7:00?
- 7:00 sounds great. - Okay.
All right.
- I'll let myself out. - Okay.
Wow.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【463】-
Modern.Family.S03E14
"Wow" Is right.
I just got sycamore--
A house that sells itself and gives me the
commission.
How does that not bother you?
Claire, it's an expression.
There's work. Inspections, appraisals--
He brought me wine,
He took his shirt off when you weren't here!
Um, he brought us wine,
and it doesn't look super vacuumed down
there.
I'm surprised he kept his pants on.
Okay. Okay, I can see what's going on.
You--you're just so focused on getting his
business,
that you don't see what's going on in front
of you.
Okay. Now I do see what's going on.
- What? - Come here, pretty girl.
- What? Mm? - You are, you know. You don't
hear it enough.
The other night, when you put on makeup,
I was like, "There she is."
Oh, my god.
You think I'm making this up as some part
of a-an ego boost?
Do you realize how insulting that is?
What are you doing?
Helping my little sister with her homework.
That seems... Mean.
Annie, this is Alex.
That other sister I was telling you about.
Hi. So nice to meet you.
Um, if you're going to study there,
You might need to correct numbers 7 through
10.
This bed has higher standards than that
bed.
I'm going to get some more lemonade.
I think your sister's mad at our sister.
We're back!
Oh, well, there you are. I guess "Lunch then
home"
means different things to different
people.

We had a girls' day. Lily, Lily, come!
Show your papa what we bought!
Matchy jackets!
It's like she's the baby leopard,
And I'm the mama.
Or they just happened to have two jackets,
one large, one small.
What happened here? Where is my tea?
Oh, it's in this drawer over here.
As a thank-you,
I took some time to rearrange your kitchen
So it makes sense.
To who?
To everyone. There's a flow now. Watch--
Tea. Mug. Kettle. You're welcome.
I didn't thank you.
You don't have to.
I won't.
Cam, our shared bathroom is not the place
to work out whatever's going on here.
I'm a child of divorce.
Conflict resolution is something of a
specialty.
The key is, tell a personal story
that applies to their situation,
even if you have to make one up.
That way, they really hear what they need
to hear.
I'm sorry. You're right.
No. I'm sorry I snapped.
I'm just going through some stuff
with this girl I like, Danielle.
She came over the other day, and Stella was
all over her,
And--and I got jealous.
Which is crazy, right?
I mean, Stella was only playing with her
because she was new.
Manny, sounds like Danielle was trying
to get between you and your puppy,
And that ain't cool.
She seems immature, and you can do better.
I'm sorry to be blunt,
But I'm going through something myself
right now.
So, chin up. Okay.
第 5 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S03E14
It may not work every time,
but you only need one fish to bite.
Who is this Danielle?
She's my study partner in my history class,
and we share a notebook.
But her notes were really confusing,
so I put them in order.
Instead of thanking me for making our lives
easier,
she got all mad because she thought I was
judging her.
This girl is very bad news, Manny.
You stay away from her.
We're Phil and Claire.
Hey, I'm Tony.
Come on in. I'll go get my dad.
- Okay. - Great, thanks.
I don't like the way that kid was looking
at you.
We are not friends right now.
I am only here to help pump up the college
fund.
Claire, if Tad even makes a move towards
you,
His ass is... grass.
Really? I thought that was just my ego.
So far, yeah, but just know,
I'm ready to grass his ass.
Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Hey! How are you!
- Good. - Good to see you.
- Yeah. - Hi. That's good.
Well, I love the place. Did you remodel
this?
Uh, actually, my ex-wife.
She had a, uh, passion for modern
architecture
and at least one modern architect.
May have to sell this one next.
Really?
I love how open it is.
- Do you mind if I, uh, poke around? - Please,
yeah.
Beautiful.
Tad, if you don't need my help anymore with
the kids,

- I'll be going. -Thank you so much, Ellen.
You're welcome.
Okay. We'll see you later. Bye.
I saw this house eight years ago.
There used to be a wall here, right?
That's right. That's right. That was all
covered.
Yeah.I'm a detail guy. Hard to get much past
me.
Hello, hello!
- Hi, aunt Kara! - How are you?
Good, Tad, How you doing?
- Bye, daddy. - Bye, sweetie.
- Bye, dad. - Have fun.
Okay. See you later.
Come on, guys, let's go.
These stairs used to be teak, am I right?
This guy's good.
Yeah, he's good.
- He's sharp. - I forgot my bag.
You do that every time.
Yep.
I don't miss much.
Oh, I'm sorry. Were you trying to read?
You're the one who tries to read.
Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!
Seriously, Haley, you think you
- are the coolest person ever! - Would you
please stop
just judging me and everything that I do?
"Look at me! I'm so cool!"
Enough! Enough!
I am so sick of you two fighting all the
time!
You're a bad big sister,
And you're a bad little sister!
And you're both bad big sisters to me.
Be normaler.
I've never seen him like that.
Well, we do kind of neglect him.
And if you think about it,
he is kind of... our little sister.
Remember how we used to dress him up?
I miss her.
I hear you,
and I don't like where this is going!
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-【465】-
Modern.Family.S03E14
You get the lipstick,
I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Betty Luke!
I will burn this house down!
Where is the cheese grater?
Where is the cutting board?
Where would you want it to be?
Yes, right here next to the cheese grater.
I know it's hard to tell by looking at me,
But I am not a natural homemaker.
So when Cam came and organized my kitchen,
I felt insecure and lashed out.
In a way, I'm no better
than Manny's crazy friend Danielle.
Please, can we just focus on the cooking?
Daddy, we forgot to give you this.
It's like our jackets.
I love it.
I guess I've always been a little sensitive
about Lily not having a mother,
and Gloria's so good at it.
I got jealous.
Maybe I should tell Manny this story.
It might help him with that train wreck
Danielle.
You know what? Why don't you turn that music
back on.
Was kind of nice.
Hey, dad...
No need to talk about it.
I was out of line coming down there,
won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.
No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
I guess we're gonna talk about it.
I was rude to you.
I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer
jokes.
I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly
beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Pretty sure that's-- that's not the saying,
But, um, you know, Manny told me a story
about his friend Danielle.
She sounds like a real piece of work, by
the way.
But, uh, it made me realize that
 Modern.Family.S03E14
I take myself a little too seriously. I mean, they're in the food, they're on the
Listen, it goes without saying I've always bed.
been proud of you, And finally, after two years of complaining
and I brag about you all the time. to Diego about this,
So if I say, "What do lawyers use as birth he finally stops and says,
control?" "Okay, now I see it.
And the answer is, "Their personalities," You do have a monkey problem."
I want you to know I'm not referring to you. A monkey problem!
You don't need any birth control. Yeah, I heard him the first time.
Hello? You can kiss my wife, you can take her to
Yeah, this is Jay Pritchett. bed,
What? When? but you cannot make her laugh.
What happened? I wanna go back.
It's the police. My car got stolen. You can kiss my wife,
Yeah, 2012. Gray. But only I can take her to bed and make her
No, not pewter. More like a light... laugh.
Like a--no, not slate. I wanna go back.
I don't even know what "Coastal fog" Is. Only I can take my wife to bed,
Just put down "Gray." comma,
Kilo? and make her laugh.
It's not my car. I mean, they're in everything.
Yes, she's columbian. The only thing they didn't touch--
What does that have to do with--no, I'm the bananas.
coming down there. The monkeys love bananas!
Hang on. Grab your keys. You would think they would love the
I think I might need a lawyer. bananas.
Guess who just got his bell rung? Yeah, we should go.
That's good. - Come on. The bananas-- - Yeah, we need
That's good. to go.
Here we go. Have a seat. - We gotta get going. - Oh, no, no, no.
I got a bottle of port from 1899. - Yeah, yeah, we're late. - But he just
Okay, I got it for $18.99... opened the--
but it's a good one. - We're late for getting home. - Thanks for
- Fun night, right? Great dinner? - Yes. everything. Just--
Yes, and... What is wrong with you?
Tad is... great, You laughed like it was "Who's on first?"
and I know I was giving you a hard time... What?
But I feel like I should say that I am sorry. He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.
Hey, hey, hey, Claire, you don't need to I know what's going on here. You're
explain. jealous.
Your apology is apology enough. Of him?
Oh, I forgot the best part He's not even funny!
of the Costa Rica story. What's he got? Like, a soft ten minutes?
So we get home, and they've taken over the And he goes to the Costa Rican well
living room, a little too much for my taste.
they've taken over the kitchen, Oh, god.

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-【466】-
 Modern.Family.S03E14
Really? This is still about the monkey?
No! No, no, no!
It's you. You are making me so happy right
now.
You stormed out of there, and you're acting
like an idiot.
You like this? Because I am really
uncomfortable.
Honey, I love it. Makes me feel special.
Sometimes, I really don't understand you.
I know. It's stupid,
but it's nice to know that sometimes you'll
fight for me,
and all I have to do is laugh at some other
guy's story.
But no one makes me laugh like you do.
As long as it's always genuine.
You can fake anything you want with me,
But not your laugh.
- I'd like to go back. - Yeah.
Stop it! Leave me alone!
- Hold still! - Stop moving!
I hate you! Get off of me!
What... is going on?
You guys are in a lot of trouble.
Haley, I told you to clean this mess up,
And, Alex, your books are everywhere.
Betty Luke, sit down while your dad gets
the camera.
Got it.
Last time, you made a funny face
and we didn't really get a good shot,
so let's work on our smile.
Okay. Good to see you, Betty Luke.

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-【467】-

Modern.Family.S03E15
Whoa. What's all this?
Mom heard us say we were bored.
Suckers.
She heard us from outside.
She has super good hearing, like a seeing
eye dog.
They have overdeveloped hearing to make up
for the fact that--
Wait, the dogs aren't blind.
Wait. Are they?
No, that wouldn't make sense.
You're right.
If I wait long enough, she can get there
by herself.
Quick, girls--
Famous Danny from "Moonstruck."
Aiello?,[Danny Aiello]
Hey, Phil. I'm glad I caught ya.
What's up?
Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan.
They wanna see that house on Briar again.
Really? I showed it to them five times.
Last time we were there, I think they got
mail.,
Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling.
They hate upsetting people, unless, of
course, it's me.
Then they don't mind waking me up at 7:00
A.M.,
asking me to call you.
It's no problem. I'm just hanging around.
Kind of bored, really.
What?
Well, we did our good deed for the day.
Yeah, for the enemy. Don't they have
enough?
It's been about a year since we decided to
adopt a boy.
Meanwhile, our friends Steven and Stefan
decided that they wanted a baby, too.
Wonder where they got that idea?
Well, we're still waiting, but they already
got their kid
because they went through a surrogate.
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-【468】-
Modern.Family.S03E15
Which is all they talk about.
Are you gonna keep doing that?
I might.
I have to go show a house.
But first, what was Elton John's sexual
orientation in the '70s?
Bye.
- You've done that one before. - And it
never gets old,
like the good Captain Fantastic himself.,
Hey, Claire, guess what?
I'm sorry, honey, I can't talk right now.
I told Bethenny I would take her to the
airport.
I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight.
Where are my keys?
Why is that chair still here? I thought you
and Luke
were gonna put it out on the sidewalk.
So you can't talk unless it's about my
chores?
Why don't you just do it now, and you won't
be so bored?
You heard that?
I hear everything.
That's for me.
Hey, Leon. Nice buzz cut.
Yeah, for some people, the shampoo doesn't
work.
It only makes the lice angry.
Nice to see you.
Oh, no. No--oh, God.
Um, Alex, do not move.
Haley, clean this up, okay?
Who fills a vase with marbles?
Who doesn't see a vase filled with marbles?
Who wants to hear a bunch of plates
crashing?
Phil! Honey, the girls need you in the
kitchen!
Thanks for the hat, Leon. It kind of
tickles.
Phil!
How much electricity do we need to bring
this back?
It's not rocket science.

We're only reanimating a squirrel.
Phil! Now!
Sounds great. No, hang on.
Gloria, where's Manny?
Some neighborhood kids have invited him to
play football.
He said he was taking his morning
constitutional.
He's working on his go-cart, but he'll be
there.
Okay. See you then.
No, Manny cannot go and play with those
boys.
Margo is trying to get us theater tickets
for this afternoon.
Gloria, you and Manny do enough together.
Let's let him decide. Where's he walking?
I don't know. But according to the song he
was singing,
he was going to the sunny side of the
street.,
I cannot express to you enough how bad this
kid needs football.
Mom! Look what I found!
Number 99!
When Manny was 5, we didn't have much.
We were on our own.
So we always dreamed of winning the
lottery.
We figured if we collected 100 lucky
heads-up pennies
and bought a ticket with them, we couldn't
lose.
But now I have a wonderful husband,
a beautiful home...
I feel like I already won the lottery.
So I can keep whatever we win?
I think no. I found most of them.
Can you put this in the jar with the others?
Si.
Ay. I forgot.
What is the combination to your safe?
I'll just come with you.
Oh, yes, 'cause that's how this arrangement
works--
I take money from you!
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-【469】-
Modern.Family.S03E15
Hello?
Oh, hi, Margo. No, she just ran upstairs.
Listen, about these theater tickets--
Don't knock yourself out trying to...
Oh, you did?
Well, sorry to do this last minute,
but they can't go.
No, Manny has a football game, so...
Jay, could you steep my tea?
I cannot express to you enough how much this
kid needs football.
And that is the whole house...
Again.
I love it, but I just don't love it.
Do you love it?
I love it. I absolutely love it.
I'm just not sure if I'm in love with it.
Oh, yeah.
We have an expression around the office
for when a sale just isn't happening--
"Commission: Impossible.",
Maybe for some people.
Not sure if I mentioned it before,
but the house does come with a hookup
for a European washing machine.
Oh, I love that.
Oh, so sorry.
It's the boss.
Hi. I'm on my way home.
I've been calling Haley, but nobody's
answering.
Is everything okay there?
Everything here is great.
Oh, thank god. Did you put the chair out
front?
Not yet.
Honey, you're gonna miss the trash pickup.
Don't worry. If they don't take it, someone
else will.
Who is gonna pick up
that ratty chair off our lawn?
Are you kidding? It's in great shape.
Super cozy. People are always commenting
on it.
Trust me, it'll be gone by the end of the
day.
 Modern.Family.S03E15
Please, just do it now. swirl.
I can't. Well, I-I didn't think surrogacy was for
I'm so sorry. us.
when I'm done with these clients, But, you know, 'cause one of us would feel
I'll call Luke and Leon. left out.
I know I can talk them into it. Yeah, but if you don't know whose it is...
We are not losing this house to Luke and Sorry we're late.
Leon. Guys, meet Roco.
What do you mean, "Call luke and leon"? Roco or Cocoa?
Aren't you at home? Look at him out there.
No, I left right before you did. Oh, ay. This is so exciting.
Phil, the house... The--the kids... Go ahead! Attaboy!
Oh, god, the squirrel. - Go! Go ahead! Attaboy! - Go, Manny! Run!
Hello? I knew Gloria would find out I lied about
We'll take it. those tickets.
Commission..., But I figured when she saw Manny out there,
Accomplished. playing with all those other kids,
So how great is your life right now, huh? she'd thank me.
A new house, a new baby, That's what I figured.
Stefan's propecia's kicking in. Go! Go!
That's him. He's on his way. What the hell's he doing?
He texted "O.M.W." Run, Manny! Run!
We try to keep our texts short Mom! Number 100!
when we're driving with the baby. Now we have the lucky--oh!
Oh, well, what wonderful parents you are. Oh, thank god.
You guys hate us a little bit, don't you? Nobody's dead.
- No. God, no. - Just a little. Or... We're all dead.
Have you thought about surrogacy? How many plates did we lose?
At least you'd be making a baby None. Luke and Haley used cookie sheets
instead of waiting around for some pregnant to clear a path through the marbles for me.
mom Where are the marbles?
to maybe pick you. Right here.
Well, we considered it, Oh, Haley!
But how do you decide which one I put glue on them so it doesn't happen
will--where's Lily? again.
- Sleeping. - Ice the cupcake. What about the chair?
That you couldn't say in front of Lily? Leon and I rolled it outside on some
Well, then, she'd want a cupcake. Yeah, skateboards.
well... The squirrel?
But that's the beauty of the swirl. You think I was going to let that happen?
The swirl? These kids are going to survive.
You both donate, they mix it up, They are the best of me and Phil.
Fertilize the egg. Luke using the skateboards, Haley gluing
You never know who the father is. the marbles--
Ooh. That's Stefan. That is pure Phil.
Yeah, maybe we should think about this Alex keeping everyone in line--

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-【470】-

Pure me.
Sometimes I worry no one's gonna like Alex.
There you go, buddy.
Thank you.
What? You need anything? I'll get it.
Steak sauce, but it's okay.
It's probably good for me to move around.
Oh, Jay, it's so nice to see you take care
of him like that.
Why are you surprised? He's our kid.
We take care of each other in this family.
I want to kill you.
Wild guess--Margo?
Let me explain.
There is no excuse.
This is something private. I'm gonna get
outta here.
So that's why you were being so nice.
You lied to my friend...
you made Manny play the american
football...
it is your fault that he got estamped.
Or is it your fault?
He stopped to pick up a penny, for god sake.
Be careful what you say, Jay.
You're skating on thin eggshells right now.
I tried to get him out there
With kids his own age...
Which is what he should be doing...
And not spending another afternoon with his
mommy.
If you have a problem with the way manny's
being raised,
You talk to me!
- I am. - I don't wanna hear it!
Phil, you really didn't have to do this.
I sold a house today because of you two.
The least I can do is buy you dinner.
I saw that house. It is gorgeous.
- I know. - We're real happy for them.
They showed me a picture of the baby.
How adorable is that little guy?
Yes, we're real happy for them.
Okay, you might wanna slow down there.
What? I'm playing a new drinking game.
It's called "Every time I'm depressed, I
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-【471】-
Modern.Family.S03E15
take a drink."
That game exists.
It's called alcoholism.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm...
I'm wallowing, and it's not cute.
To happier things.
Yes. To happier things.
- Happier things, - Yes. - There you go.
I remember the first few drinks...
And, um, after that, the night's just bits
and pieces.
I wanna do something I never do--
Brag about my kids.
Today, they were resourceful,
They were responsible, they...
Put 40% down.
It was worth showing the house five times
And waiting...
Almost a year.
Seriously! Who do you have to...
Blow. That's really hot.,
Why don't you let it cool down? Try some
of the...
Mexican!
The baby is clearly mexican!
So, you know, the swirl is out.
Ugh. It's enough to make you lose...
Track.
Is this my fourth drink?
It's my fourth.
I said "Four" Twice, didn't I?
I did, didn't I?
I think we're gonna need four cabs...
- Two! - Two! You made me!
I-I vaguely remember... Someone crying?
If we ever did surrogacy,
I would want you to be the donor.
You're so smart, you're so handsome.
Oh, stop it! It should be you!
- You're so fun! You're so talented! - Okay.
It's not fair. I love you both so much.
If you could have a baby
that was a mix of the two of you,
I would love that baby so much.
That is so sweet.
- I meant it. - That is so sweet.
 Modern.Family.S03E15
Oh, my god. You guys, we could do this. Besides, what are the chances your eggs
We could do this. even work?
We could make a baby What are the chances we can pretend I never
that is half Tucker and half Pritchett. said that?
Are you saying what I think you're saying? It's weird. It's my brother.
Yeah. And then there would be this baby over there
Cloning? That's my baby, but it's not my baby...
No. No. That actually sounds good. Just say that.
I'm saying... We're gonna see him for brunch in two hours
I give the egg. over at your dad's
Yeah. Ooh. That seems... Soon
I give the egg. That's the Pritchett side. And--and hard.
And then, Cam, you're the father, right? What if... What if I blame it on you?
And then we just, like, mix it What if we say that you're not okay with
And put it in a, like, a surrogate lady it?
thing, - No! - Why?
And then bang! We have a baby. Are you really okay with another man
Oh. Are--are you serious? fertilizing your wife's egg?
You would do that? - Of course not! That's creepy. - Yes.
I would be honored. Plus, what if you and Cam make a better baby
You guys, you guys, if there's one thing than we did?
I have learned today, It's settled. Phil says "No."
It's the pleasure of looking at your Like they're really gonna believe that I
children, overruled you?
And seeing both-- both of you in there. - Right. - Come on.
And I want you to have that experience. They're gonna be crushed.
Yeah. We want that. They've waited so long for this baby.
And something else... Maybe they're having second thoughts, too.
guys, I make really good babies. Look--this is what my baby with Claire
- Yes. - I have, like, magic eggs or would look like.
something. What is this? What...
- Yes! - They're golden. Okay, well, I found a web site where couples
Oh, gosh. Oh, Phil, can upload pictures...
I don't--what do-- what do you say about and then it shows them what their baby would
this? look like.
I think we're all having a baby! This is... Gloria and I.
Aah! Table hug! Couldn't resist.
Sweet potato fries! Wow. That-- that looks exactly like Manny.
- What have I done? - I know. Like--like weirdly so.
What was I thinking? What--what's this other picture?
I-I-I just get drunk and I bring a baby into Don't be jealous.
the world? But this...
That would be 4 for 4. is me and Justin Timberlake.,
I can't go through with it. Cam, we have a problem.
Don't panic. You haven't donated anything Oh, what? You can talk about Ryan Gosling
yet. all day,

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-【472】-

- but the moment I say something-- - No,
no, no,
About this baby. I...
I don't think I can do it.
What--why? Why--it's perfect!
It's our chance to have a baby that's part
me, part you!
No, no! It's part you and part Claire.
I'm nowhere in there.
And it's not like I can pretend.
It's--she's not some egg donor that we
don't know.
It's Claire.
You know, we see her all the time.
And what are we supposed to tell the baby?
"Say hi to your aunt mommy!"
- Adorable. - No, not adorable.
Appalachian.
Okay, I'm--I'm sorry, Cam.
Jay says that I'm smothering Manny...
But I'm just enjoying him.
I mean, they're only gonna be boys for a
short time.
Best time ever in this house!
I'm uncomfortable with this, Phil.
The manual specifically says "No towing."
There are two types of people in this
world--
people who follow the manual,
and people who stick it to the manual.
You... are hurt.
Manny, what happened?
Football injury.
My mom will yell you all about it.
Hola, Lily!
Does my little princess want a cookie?
Oh, well, you know, maybe just one.
She's already had her sugar limit for
today.
How can you tell?
Okay, Lily.
Hey, you two.
So where-- oh, where are the kids?
Oh, Haley's driving them over separately.
Oh! Big girl now.
- That's great. - Yeah
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-【473】-
Modern.Family.S03E15
So that was... so fun last night.
- So fun. - Yeah, we had a great night.
Yes.
We should--
Jinx!
Yeah, we're going this way, so...
We'll see you in a bit.
I cannot tell them.
I cannot break their hearts.
So you're gonna have Cam's baby just to keep
things from being weird?
Um, what?
You and Uncle Cam are having a baby?
Kids, shh.
There was a discussion about the
possibility
of your mom donating an egg
so that the guys could have a baby.
But we decided it was not a good idea.
Why? Because Lily's such a mess?
For a lot of reasons.
- They have-- - But we can agree that she's
a disastrous human being?
I think it's a great idea.
Yeah. It's a really beautiful offer, mom.
I'm impressed.
Oh, my god. Cam, they told the kids already,
And they seem to be totally into it.
All right, is it just me?
Am I the only one that thinks this is weird?
Maybe it's not weird.
Maybe we're pioneers.
No, we're hardly pioneers.
You have three different hair dryers for
different types of weather.
Maybe it's just gonna take some time to get
used to the idea.
- What idea? - Oh. No.
Um, well, Jay...
- Cam. - Claire has--
No. I-I-I just don't think
my dad's really ready for this conversation.
So...
Oh, stop acting like I'm some stodgy old
coot. I've grown.
Okay.

Um, Jay, Claire has, um, offered to give
us one of her eggs
so we can have a baby
that's half Pritchett, half Tucker.
That's unnatural. I'm against it.
Oh, surprise, surprise. Jay is against
something.
Cam and Claire wanna have a baby together.
You're not gonna do that.
It's not your decision, dad.
You're not thinking straight.
And you're not in charge. Okay, Claire and
I are adults.
If--if we want this to happen, it--it's
gonna happen.
So much for second thoughts.
Young lady, I need to have a talk with you.
- I don't... - No.
You don't get to tell everyone how to live
their lives,
that boys cannot spend time with their
mommies
or that brothers and sisters can't make
babies.
- So you're all for this? - No.
It's a freak show, but it's their freak
show.
So this is happening again?
Well, I'm not gonna not do it
'cause my dad thinks I shouldn't.
You know, I'm not following.
We're not doing it 'cause I don't want to
do it.
What we're not doing
is not doing it 'cause he doesn't want us
to do it.
Just say baby or no baby.
Isn't it enough this family spends a lot
of time together?
Now we have to inbreed.
Okay, dad, it's not technically inbreeding.
It's, um...
For the record, I think what my mom is doing
is very brave.
I like it.
I've always kind of wanted a half-brother,
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Modern.Family.S03E15
half-cousin.
Really? "Always"?
Well, I mean, if you think about it...
When was the last time we talked under a
table?
Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.
Oh, yeah.
I love you. You know that...
but I can't do this.
No, no, neither can I!
- Really? - Yeah.
Are you serious? You can't--oh, god.
I'm so relieved. I'm sorry.
I-I-I...
I am so sorry I led us down this road.
No, no. No, Claire, don't be. Don't be.
It was--it was generous and thoughtful,
just like you.
How could I not want those qualities in my
child?
Oh, come here.
So this is really happening?
Ah. What if it is, dad?
Yeah. What if we love each other,
and this is a beautiful thing?
- Okay, it's our decision. It's not yours.
- Yeah.
So baby? No baby?
No.
You okay?
Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
Mm, I know it's been hard on you.
Hey, what if we went out for a nice dinner
tonight?
Oh, that'd be fun. Should I call the sitter?
Yeah. Oh, you know what I was thinking
today?
What about Luke?
Oh, he's so good with her,
the way he looks at her...
My god, Cam.
Oh, look, she's organizing her things.
Look at how she's dressed.
We didn't make her, but she sure is us.
Hey, Lily, honey, it might make more sense
with the shoes...
 Modern.Family.S03E15
Mitchell. Well, throw something over it! That--oh,
I like what she did with the dolls-- god!
Play as you will. Play as you will. Yeah, well, we played god, and look what
The big one, remember? we brought forth.
One of the first ones we found. Daddies, what are you looking at?
It was at the bottom of the gutter in the Maybe it wasn't that bad.
street. No, no, it's possible that we overreacted.
Ay, yes. Yeah. Maybe our expectations were just a
We put the gum at the bottom of your walking little bit too high.
stick. That little guy had some cute features.
Ay, look at this one-- the green one, Huh?
The one we found at the floor of my taxi. Of course he did. It's us. It can't be that
- Your taxi? - Yes. bad.
Before I had somebody running my life for Let's just take--
me,
I used to drive a taxi at night.
Manny would sleep in the seat next to me.
One time, I had to hit the brakes so hard
that he fell into the floor and he found
the penny.
Pretty lucky, huh?
Eight years. I can't believe we're finally
done.
Me, either.
Come. Let's go get your lottery ticket.
Gloria.
I think you made a mistake here.
What did I do now?
I counted these, and you've only got 96
pennies.
Are you sure?
Afraid so.
I guess you're gonna have to keep lookin'.
Dang it! I counted those.
See for yourself.
And now we upload your picture.
This is fun. This is fun.
And in just a few short moments,
thanks to the magic of technology...
We'll know what our baby actually looks--
- Oh! No! - What happened? What is that?
Did you put one of us in upside-down?
No! That's actually--
Okay, I-I don't want to see this anymore.
Ohh. Turn it off.
Oh, it's not turning off.

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-【475】-

Modern.Family.S03E16
Ooh! Individual frittatas!
What a treat. You're a lucky man, Phil.
- I'm always saying, I'm... - Phil.
- Sorry. - You left the milk out again.
I may have to take one of these little guys
home.
Claire, did you ever find that Tupperware
I lent you?
Sweetie, for the hundredth time,
I gave it back to you, remember?
I remember you telling me a hundred times,
yet my pea soup is in baggies.
Did you check your car?
In the...
Trunk.
Because that's where you found that thing
that you thought that you gave me long time
ago,
- the... the... - Pizza cutter.
- Yes, I was wrong that time. I-- - It's
a piece of plastic.
You're ruining brunch.
Don't sweat it, Cam.
I forget things all the time.
Like I can never remember the name
of that weather guy that I liked. Uh...
Thunder something. Stormy...
Flash Stormy? Ah, whatever the hell it is.
- I don't know. - Mm, just eat your eggs,
Jay.
Yeah, just eat your eggs, Jay.
Grandpa got told!
Look at them.
They all think Lily's so great.
The novelty will wear off.
We used to be the cute ones.
Now she gets all the attention.
We need to take her down.
And I should remember his name, too,
because your mom and I got in a big fight
over him.
She was using the convertible, and I told
her,
"Put the top up because it's supposed to
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Modern.Family.S03E16
rain tonight, according to..."
P-p-p-partly McCloudy?
Whatever the hell his name is. Anyway...
She didn't. Ruined the car.
Well, not to be the one that always come
to mom's defense...
What? It was 20 years ago.
What, you think he's gonna ground you?
It was you?
Yes. Yes, I left the top down,
and I let mom take the fall.
And then they got divorced.
- 12 years later. - I'm just saying.
Ugh. You're ruining brunch.
Relax. It was years ago.
There's a statute of limitation on this
stuff.
In that case, I should probably let you know
I let the top down to let out the cigarette
smoke.
Not--not mine. Not mine.
My--my bad friend Eleanor.
Eleanor being her boyfriend Allen.
Statute of limitations.
Oh, relax, it's okay.
Remember when I told you
that I couldn't get to your figure skating
semifinal
because I was stuck at work?
Yeah.
Well, by "stuck" I meant "drunk,"
and by "work" I meant "the golf course."
- Wow. Dad! Oh, no. - I got one. I got one.
Remember that time we went golfing
together,
- and you got a hole-in-one? - Yeah?
You never got a hole-in-one.
I got bored and I kicked it in the hole.
This is fun. Here's a corker.
They didn't used to label babies as
carefully in hospitals,
- so for two days-- - Not now, Phil.
What do you mean, you-- you kicked the ball
in the hole?
What, was it, like, on the edge?
Yeah, it was on the edge of that, uh...

What? That--that sandy thing.
Gee, it's sure gonna be fun to face my
friends today.
Well, you don't have to tell them.
They call me "Ace," Mitch.
I haven't paid for a lemonade down there
in 20 years.
You're mad at me?
Great, daddy. You ruined brunch.
You did!
This ends today.
A little help here?
You can't expect me to focus
when Miranda Cornell lives right down your
street.
She's like a dream wrapped in a wish poured
into jeggings.
Yeah, yeah, that's nice and all,
but we got a trap to set.
Are you sure this is going to work?
Trust me. We'll use these cookies as bait.
Lily's crazy for them.
Asian metabolism.
When she grabs them with her grubby little
hands,
off goes the trap.
Boom--big puddle of milk.
She'll get in so much trouble.
My mom hates messes.
I'm familiar with Claire.
Lock...
And loaded.
These cookies are so good...
And so easy to reach.
Lily!
Oh, my god! Cam! Oh! Ohh!
What happened? Are you okay?
Oh! That milk... Fell, and I must have
slipped in it!
Did I leave that out again? I'm so sorry!
Oh! My back! Ooh! My back!
Can I give you a Swedish massage, accent
optional?
Oh! Oh, no, I just need to lie down.
Come on. Let's just get you over to the
sofa.
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Modern.Family.S03E16
Do you think it would be offensive
if I asked our daughter to walk on my back?
I'd say so. I just offered to give you a
massage.
Oh, no! You broke Beatrice.
Now she can't feed the dolphins.
What is she talking about?
Oh, it's a "My sweet companion" doll.
They all have these elaborate backstories.
Beatrice works with blind dolphins and
models.
There are blind models?
That's so sad. They cannot see how pretty
they are.
Okay. Hold on. Here we go.
Give me some. Give me some. Give me some.
Oh!
Let me buy Lily a new doll.
It's my fault Cam fell.
No, no need. Uh, the "My sweet companion"
store
actually has a hospital with an on-call
doctor.
Well, I can go. I'm taking the girls to the
mall anyway.
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah.
And don't worry. She has medical insurance.
Yeah, and I think we've met our deductible
for the year,
so you should be good.
Yeah.
Do you know what a doll is in my village?
An apple on a fork.
I never really got dolls. Does that make
me weird?
It's on the list.
You're not weird.
You just kind of skipped the little girl
stage.
And jumped to the "I dare you to ring her
doorbell" stage.
The only stage you're ever going to jump
on has a pole on it.
Hey, at least I have the body--
Okay! Okay!
We're gonna have to settle this dispute in

court--
The food court.
The honorable judge Cinnabon presiding.
The food court?
That place smells like the inside of Luke's
bicycle helmet.
- I like the food court. - Me, too.
Don't worry, girls. We're not gonna deprive
ourselves
just 'cause of Haley's aversion to food--
Oh. Oh, Haley's "Aversion."
I thought you said...
Never mind.
Okay, so after you have turned on the
monitor
and selected your input,
you can change the channel with this guy.
But if you need to change the volume--
You know what? I think I'm fine.
Why don't you just go ahead?
I know this sounds really confusing,
but there's actually a very simple way to
remember it.
Input 1 is the cable box
- Cable box, ca-- - I think I'm just gonna
take a nap.
Okay. I'm going to yoga.
Ay! That sounds like so much fun.
Oh, you should go with her, Gloria!
Oh, we should definitely do that sometime.
I would love it. Bye!
Do you see how she gives me the cold
shoulders?
I don't even know why I try.
- Ay. Sorry. - Oh, well, that's just Claire,
you know?
She's a Pritchett.
You gotta break through those walls.
The sooner the better.
You really think so?
Yeah. Why don't you go? Now.
Forge that friendship!
Okay, I go. I have my gym bag in the car.
Feel better!
Okay, thank you! I'm just gonna lie here...
Some ice on my back!
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I knew for a fact Claire never returned my
Tupperware.
I just needed a few minutes alone to find
it.
And when I did,
I'd never have to hear them snicker again,
"Oh, silly Cam" or "forgetful Cam,"
because revenge is a dish best served cold.
And even better, two days later
out of 24-ounce microwave-friendly
burp-sealed pak-n-stor.
Oh, hey! I thought you were going to the
pharmacy.
I forgot my phone.
I think I'm just upset about this stupid
thing with my dad.
Well, sweetie, I'd love to hear about it
when you come back with my heating pad from
the pharmacy,
because I hurt my back, remember?
I mean, did he overreact or what?
It's just a game, right?
Well, unless there's something more to it.
Maybe you should go talk to him.
Yeah.
Oh, I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I mean, it was such a great day.
After he thought he got that hole-in-one,
he took us out to dinner.
He bought me my first beer.
Well, there you go. He's probably hurt
because you marred a very special
father-son experience.
- You think? - You marred it.
But you can fix it.
He's down at the club right now.
Go, Mitchell!
Un-mar that memory!
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
- Ow. - Sorry.
Don't worry. I'll be back soon.
Okay! I'll miss you!
Call first.
What were you thinking saying that in front
of him?
I'm sorry. It slipped out.
 Modern.Family.S03E16
Besides, I figured he knew. You're better!
Mom knows. Barely. Barely, yeah.
Only because she dragged it out of Dylan. I was just getting something cold for my
And she promised not to tell dad until I back.
left for college, Gravy?
Which means he might have never found out. Well, if it can save your mom's turkey,
Stop panicking. it can save anything.
We don't even know for sure he heard what I thought you were going to see your friend
I said. Miranda.
Okay. Beatrice is with the nurse. This one chickened out.
They'll call us. Shouldn't be too long. For someone who says he likes girls so much,
We can just wait until she's married. he sure is afraid of them.
Until she's... ready. It's a dance, Luke.
Which, apparently, everyone is these days. Chicken dance.
Funny, i used to think it'd be years until Well, since you're back,
everyone was ready, what if I give you 20 bucks,
but I guess I was wrong. Wrong and naive. and you guys...
Surprise! go wash my car?
Oh! Gloria. My god. Is that 20 bucks for each of us, or both
I came to do yoga with you. of us?
I wasn't expecting to see you here. Both.
Yeah, that's why I say "Surprise!" That's what I thought.
Oh, yeah. This is awful, because I was just Uh-oh, check it out.
thinking Ace is drooling over his plaque again.
I might have to bail on yoga. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't smell you idiots
I have the worst headache all of a sudden. come in.
Oh, but yoga is good for that, Claire. Listen, I've been thinking,
For the meditation, for the mmm... maybe it's time we retire the name "Ace."
Yeah, yeah. It's just right now You mean the name you had printed on your
I wanna go lie down in a dark room and golf cap?
breathe. - And his robe. - You know, guys, about
That sounds like yoga. that--
I... I realize that. Remember how mad he got when I yanked that
Yes. cap off his head
- But still, I-I... should go. - Come on. and put it on?
I'm not gonna do the class by myself. You got to earn that!
Okay, so let's go and get massages. Yeah, yeah, well, I'm just glad
or there's a nail salon there. one of those cheap hair plugs didn't get
Ooh, I would love to do that some other caught in it.
time, Hey, for the millionth time, they're not
I really would. But right now plugs.
I need to get home and lie down. You So what, your hair just came back when you
understand, right? turned 50?
- Of course. - Okay. Unlike your wife.
You go! Hey, that was a blessing.
And lie. Otherwise, I wouldn't be taking out Natalie

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-【479】-
 Modern.Family.S03E16
Hobbes tonight. on facebook
Taking her out or doing her taxes? after a failed first marriage?
So I'm trying to find a way to come clean Okay.
about the hole-in-one, when it occurs to What are you doing?
me... I'm sick of hearing you whine about
Why? Miranda!
One idiot lies about his sex life, - It's time to make her notice you! - But
the other dumbbell has a ferrari "In the we can't!
shop" for years, We got a full tank of gas, and she's right
and moron number three is a hollywood stunt down the block.
car driver Now buckle up!
who gets sick when he rides backwards in - Are you crazy? - You tell me.
the golf cart. Lily, what is this?
So you ladies ready to tee off or what? Wouldn't you rather have a chemistry set,
- Yeah, just gotta settle up our tab. - I or some flash cards?
took care of it. She's pretty.
You said you were going to the restroom. No, she's dirty.
Ah! Can't trust a word out of this guy's Look. Get the dirt.
mouth. So let me wipe her off.
20 years we've been falling for this. Fix that.
I-I'm sorry to interrupt, Your braid's coming loose. Come here.
- but my dad never lied to you guys. - Fix that right up.
Mitchell... So I completed the examination.
No, he didn't even know until today She did really well.
- that he never made the hole-in-one. - What's the prognosis?
Okay. We can fix most of her arm,
But the fact that he couldn't live with but she'll never regain full mobility in
himself her shoulder joint,
when he found out, because they don't make that part anymore.
and he raced down here to confess to you, Well, that's pretty good, right?
that just shows the kind of man he is. I mean, she'll look exactly the same.
He is a hole-in-one kind of man. No one will know.
You never got a hole-in-one? I'll know.
I didn't tell them. I'm just saying I liked her the way she was.
So this is the gang. She was such a sweet little doll.
Introduce me. I'm sorry, doctor.
Ahh. Score! I'm having trouble adjusting to all this.
It's not like me and Miranda are perfectly Uh, dad, she's still a sweet little doll.
suited. No, she's broken.
For one thing, she likes bad boys. No, she's just changed a little.
That's just not me. It happens. Dolls grow up.
I'm gonna turn on some music. Well, actually--
I'm sorry. - Uh, could you... - Yeah. Sure.
I can't unlearn how to treat a lady. I actually have to go
But where does that leave me? give a little girl some pretty bad news.
Waiting till I'm 40 when she looks me up So, Haley...

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-【480】-
 Modern.Family.S03E16
The thing is... Gloria, you've gotta stop doing that!
Fact--Haley's almost 18. Were you going back to the yoga class
Fact--I am the cool dad. without me?
Haley, I understand that sex is a part of No, that is not why I came back.
life. I don't understand you.
I can't say that I'm thrilled to hear this, Why you don't want to spend time with me?
but I'm sure you're being safe, and I hope Everybody wants to spend time with me!
that you'll feel free Even the lady that did my nails
to talk to me about this anytime. wants to take me to pilates.
We should... I didn't come back here to do yoga.
We should probably get Beatrice, like, I don't do yoga. It's a cover, okay?
a-a cast or something, Look...
and we can all sign it. Yeah? I know that from the outside,
Uh, yeah. Sure. it seems like I have everything together.
Fact--I blew it. No, not really.
This repair's probably gonna take a little My point is that my life can be very
while. stressful.
Why don't you run up to the food court and And I have found a way to cope with that
grab us a table? stress.
I'll get Alex and Lily. And it's my little secret. And I'm not proud
Okay. of it.
Do you want the counter or a booth? Hey, Claire. See you inside.
Whatever seems right to you. Is that what you do?
I trust you. No. No!
I have a cool dad. Okay. You're coming with me. Come in.
Okay. Your turn. But listen to me. Gloria...
Unh-unh! No way! It has to stay between us.
Do you wanna get her attention, or not? This is my sacred space.
That was amazing! It's just such a great release.
Did you see the look on Miranda's face? - Thank you for not judging me. - Why would
No. But you did good, Thelma., I?
Please stop calling me that. I hate that If anything, it makes me like you more.
movie. So how often do you come here?
What movie? Not that often. No.
Uh-oh! Dead end! Hey.
You gotta make a u-ey. Maybe a little often.
I don't know how to do that. That's so sad.
She pretended to have a headache, Cam. I live with four teenagers.
She doesn't want to spend time with me. You live with two adults.
Maybe she just wanted to be alone. - You have no idea... - No, no, no. It's
Why? so sad
Because some people that you come here so often
really value their privacy, and that's the best that you can shoot.
and you have to respect that. And that's with pretty nails.
I have to go. But improper stance. I...
Hola, Claire! - Practice more. - Okay.

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 Modern.Family.S03E16
Here you go, Ace... here.
I mean... What is your real name? Before I forget. "Storm Stevens."
Jay. What were we just talking about? Just now?
- Dad, I-- - I told you, forget about it. No?
All right. I-I just want you to know Come on, Lily. Let's see if Beatrice is
I get why you're upset, okay? ready.
That--that day you got the hole-in-one, Hey, dad?
it meant a lot to you. I know I'm way too old for this,
And... I... I marred it. but do you think I could get this doll?
But it meant a lot to me, too. Her name's Genevieve,
We had a steak dinner, you gave me my first and she's developing a vaccine for...
beer, Yes, you can get the doll.
and, uh... You can get as many dolls as you want.
It was one of the greatest days we ever It's $200.
spent together. Or one is fine.
And it wasn't about some meaningless I know you're here.
hole-in-one, Hello.
it was about us. I have a bad feeling about this.
No. It was about a hole-in-one. What if one of your neighbors saw us?
Yes. Yes. A-a little bit, maybe. Maybe we should just confess.
But mostly, it was about how we bonded. We will...
I thought I hit a ball straight from the in 20 years.
tee Huh?
really, really far You heard grandpa. There's a statute of
into a tiny hole. limitations,
Okay. Which is a good thing
Well, when will I learn? because we still need to take Lily down.
And it wasn't your first beer, anyway. Nah, let her be the cute one.
Yes, it was, dad, but I wouldn't expect you We don't need that anymore.
to remember. We're bad boys now.
It was your 14th birthday. Yeah. I like that.
You asked me for a sip of mine. Bad boys.
Your mom yelled at you in front of all your Your mom!
friends, Oh, my god.
said you were just a baby. Cam!
You ran outside in tears... Um, this had a lid?
Which, unfortunately, supported your mom's I'll see you guys later. I'm going to
argument. Abby's.
Anyway, I came out with a couple of beers. Bye, honey. Have fun.
We drank 'em on the porch Have fun, you! With Abby!
watching the storm clouds coming in. We've confirmed Abby's a real person and
I had completely forgotten about that. a female?
You know, you're-- you're unbelievable. Yes, sweetie. We met her.
- Just when I peg you as some-- - Storm Honey, we can't treat Haley differently
Stevens! That's it! just because we both know what we know about
Give me something. I'm gonna write it right her.

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 Modern.Family.S03E16
I know. I just need time.
So Dylan told you?
Why didn't he tell me? He and I used to share
everything.
You're upset about a lot of things.
Okay, I won't obsess over it.
I just wanna ask you one thing.
How long have you known?
Three months.
So this giant thing happened to our first
born,
and you kept me in the dark about it for
three whole months?
I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure how
you'd--okay.
Thank you.

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-【483】-

Modern.Family.S03E17
Come on, boys!
It's leap day, not sleep day!
I love leap day!
It's kind of a big deal in the Dunphy house.
This year, we even got Manny involved.
You're given this gift of 24 extra hours.
You can't waste it at work or school.
You have to do something extraordinary,
something shocking.
This year, the entire family is taking a
trapeze class.
How extraordinary is that?
It was my idea.
How shocking is that?
I can be spontaneous every four years.
I can't wait.
Leap day is stupid.
You're not understanding the logic behind
it.
A year is actually 365.25 days.
Every four years, we gain one day.
If we didn't adjust the calendar in, say,
40 years,
February would almost be January.
That's not my problem, and it's definitely
not your problem.
Look at this.
The housekeeper turned another one of my
whites pink.
I can't wear this to a sports bar.
Mm, they're not going to be looking at you,
Jay.
Somebody's feeling pretty good about
herself.
They're going to be watching the match.
You meant you a little bit.
Okay, put it in there.
All right, very quietly,
we're gonna go to daddy's bedroom, open the
door,
Happy birthday to me.
- I'm 10! - 40!
I was born February 29th,
and there have been ten of those... in my
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-【484】-
Modern.Family.S03E17
lifetime,
therefore I'm 10!
It's fun.
It's so much fun.
Anyway, I-I've spent the last four years
trying to figure to what kind of party to
throw this one.
Oh, honey, you know I'd be fine
with just a nice casual evening at home with
you.
Don't--don't even.
No. No! That's what he said last time.
Okay, birthday boy, what's it gonna be--
Rom com or horror?
Or we can do both and watch "Maid in
Manhattan."
Whatcha doing?
Canceling our baby.
Okay, love to dad. Bye! Mwah!
Daddy, what are you doing?
Yeah, daddy, what are you doing?
Snooping for hints about your birthday?
No, I'm just excited, and I wanna be
helpful.
I know party planning isn't your thing.
Y-you need to trust me, Cam.
I know, and I do.
It's not like you're gonna do anything
tired,
like appletinis or ice sculptures.
Or synthetic napkins or anything mylar.
Cam, that's enough!
I've been paying for your last party for
four years.
And I find it a little insulting
that you don't think I can pull this off.
You know what?
I trust you. I'm letting go.
- Okay. - Okay?
You know orange is over, right?
It's a simple party. I can do it.
Simple.
Perfect.
Yeah, just a simple party.
I'm simply taking Cam's favorite movie,
"The wizard of Oz,"
 Modern.Family.S03E17
and turning our house into an oz-themed No. We--we just need to be extra sensitive.
extravaganza-- Phil, honey, when do we need to leave?
Yellow brick carpet, waitstaff in full Whenever's good for you, sweetie. Maybe 20
costume, minutes?
and custom-made ruby slippers for Cam. - 20 minutes?! - Then which one is it, Phil?
Whazzup?! Is it whenever it's good for me or is it
So is this safe? 20 minutes?!
It's a trapeze. Whenever you're ready!
Relax. More people are killed by It happened-- Satan's trifecta.
knife-wielding strangers The day I most dreaded had fallen on the
than from trapezing. day I most loved.
I'm thinking about going home now. They're gonna ruin trapezing.
Honey, are you okay? I bet they don't even catch me.
I'm fine. Why are you so afraid of them? They're
I'm watching... reasonable.
It's so sad. Why don't we just suggest they stay home,
Oh, no. Not today. - considering they're all on their menst--
What's wrong? - Shh!
Nothing. No, your mom's just, uh... The first rule of dealing with the cycle--
feeling emotional. You never mention the cycle.
She was like this last month and the month You tiptoe around it.
before The woman's actually taken great pains
and the month before. to hide the monster she's become.
What?! I could kill someone! But if you acknowledge it, that brings the
No, I can't hear you! monster forth.
This stupid phone gets no reception in this My god.
stupid house! Aah! And there's three of them.
Dear god, no. It's okay.
I'd heard rumors. I have a plan.
Yeah, we all had, It's kind of traditional for people to lean
that females living or working in close in
quarters when somebody says, "I have a plan."
could eventually get on the same... cycle. Okay...
But I always assumed that was a story Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja!
designed Ooh! No!
to keep women out of submarine corps. Si! Si! Si! Si!
This isn't milk. What's wrong with me Goal!
today? Goal!
My brain's not working right. You should call your country "The
No. Never-lands"
I can't focus... - Because you're never-- - Ja, because we
Three legs? are never going to win.
It's not fair. You said that a billion times.
I know. Just go home.
Oh, no! It's sad. Why don't you Dutch people go home?
Oh, my god. They're gonna ruin everything. Someone should shut your Colombian mouth!

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-【485】-

- Okay, I wanna see you try! - Uh, is there
a problem over here?
Yes. There is a problem, and you're married
to her.
Really? Well, let me make a suggestion.
Why don't you sit down, I send you over a
beer,
my wife and I watch from over there?
That way, everybody enjoys the game--
Except me, 'cause I prefer a game where
something happens.
Gloria, let's go.
Let's go.
I thought you were going to punch that guy
back there.
Ah, I got 60 pounds on the kid.
Yeah. It's just that I've heard so many
stories about you fighting.
And-- it's not worth the trouble.
Yeah, and he has all those friends and...
Well, his friends had nothing to do with
it.
I mean, sometimes it's better to take the
high road.
Yeah, it's better that you walked away.
Gloria, I get-- I get the impression
- you're disappointed I didn't punch that
guy. - Of course not.
Who needs all that manly,
protect-your-woman stuff?
No, see, like, right there. You're saying
one thing,
but it feels like you mean the opposite.
- No. - That's a "Yes."
Look, Jay, I just came to watch the game.
- I don't want to fight. - Neither do I.
I know.
So in keeping with the film,
this area will be in black and white,
and then an explosion of technicolor.
Best part--as the guests are coming in...
Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
A simulated tornado.
Yeah. Oh, he's gonna love that.
- So the appletinis are canceled... - Yes.
The little Toto dog is ordered, and...
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-【486】-
Modern.Family.S03E17
Please tell me that you are not mixing punch
in costume!
Oh, no! W-what is Cam doing home?
- Hey. - Hey.
We're the monkeys.
Yes, hi. Hi. Come on inside. Quickly,
quickly.
Hi. Okay, one second.
Hey! Whatcha doing home?
Are you checking on me and the party again?
No, no. I left my cell phone in your car
and I gotta be in touch with mama today.
She's talking to the insurance agency for
the first time
to see if they're gonna rebuild grandpa's
farm.
Rebuild the...
Because of the tornado.
I totally missed the connection.
A month after the most devastating twister
that ever hit Cam's hometown,
I throw a party
based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.
Yeah, you know, it's been a month,
and she hasn't heard anything, and she's
just beside herself.
And then you know what else?
Lily succumbed to her injuries.
- Your aunt Lily died? - No, the family pig.
Aunt Lily was a...
We named our daughter after a pig?
Could you just witness my pain instead of
criticizing?
I just want to be in touch with my family
today.
Get all this tornado stuff behind me so I
can enjoy...
the fabulous party you're planning for me!
Yeah! You gotta get outta here!
- Okay. Hey, listen. Hey, Cam? - Yeah?
You just call your family, tell them I said
"Hi."
And don't worry about being back at 6:00
on the dot.
There's a little breathing room.
Oh, what, are you kidding me?

The sooner I can start to party,
the sooner I can start to forget.
But then again.
Hey, if you keep running from every
reminder of the tornado,
doesn't the tornado win?
Mitchell, my grandpa runs to his pickup
truck every morning
because he thinks the pitchfork is gonna
come back down.
The tornado always wins.
Okay, well, it's gonna be so much fun
tonight!
I know! The big 1-0!
Hey, Mitchell!
- I'm over here! - I could've hit you!
But you didn't! I'm doing my "I love ya"
dance.
Okay, I'm doing my "I love you" car dance.
Look at you!
Stop that! Okay! Go!
This is dangerous.
- Okay, okay. - Go.
Get out of here, you.
It's my birthday!
All right, guys, come here. We need to talk.
- There they are. - Stop rushing us!
Buddy, what's wrong?
Yes, you've been a little off all morning.
I've been feeling a lot of stress lately.
My head's all foggy, and I'm kind of
emotional.
Oh. Well, I sure hope you feel better soon
'cause you really need your wits about you
when you're trapezing.
This is weird because the three of us
haven't exactly been feeling our best today
either.
Really?
I can't find my other sock!
Try looking under the one you have one.
I am not you. I don't do that. See?
Oh, god, I am you.
Would you mind if we sat out trapezing?
- Really? - Yeah.
Are you sure? Okay.
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-【487】-
Modern.Family.S03E17
Why does he do that?
Every month.
Yeah, I get a little moody,
but unrelentin physical discomfort
will do that to a person.
Doesn't he know
that tiptoeing around someone like they're
crazy
makes them crazy?
All right, you and Manny go ahead.
- Luke can just stay here with us. - Wait.
What?
Luke's actually looking better.
- I am better. - Well, let's not take any
chances.
- He can stay here. You go ahead. - Dad?
Daddy?
See you later, buddy.
What are we going to do?
We leave no man behind.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
We have time.
Just take down the decorations and have a
normal party.
Yeah, and throw a boring party in our house
that looks like I just threw it together
this afternoon?
- Think! - Okay, we have a few options.
I can get you the back room at Amelia's.
Spilled juice on the owner's white rug
and almost killed her toddler. Next.
Bowling alley?
Not classy enough. What have you got?
You're no help. You.
Well, last weekend, I did a party on a boat.
You said you were visiting your parents.
You're suffocating me.
What's this boat? Tell me about the boat.
Okay, we did an elegant dinner party on a
luxury yacht
for about 25 people.
It takes you around the harbor, dancing
under the moonlight.
Okay, okay. Uh, maybe we can-- we can make
a theme out of this.
You know, Cam's life is like a long voyage.

Sometimes choppy but--but always forward,
ever forward.
- We have two hours. - Book it.
Hey, you survived trapeze class, huh?
Didn't happen,
and common decency prevents me from telling
you why.
How was the soccer match?
Thrilling. 1-1 tie.
One of the goals was an accident.
I'm sure my mom was happy you went.
I don't know what to make of her today.
She got into it with this guy,
and I swear she was pushing me into a fight
with him.
Now is that something she'd want?
I don't know.
I always thought of women as the more
evolved sex.
But after today... I've seen things, Jay.
'Cause, you know, I had my share of fights
in my time.
You know that.
It's too warm for me.
Yeah, I remember this time I was crossing
the street with Dede,
and some jackass almost clipped her.
I had the guy on the ground, my foot on his
neck,
before the car stopped moving.
Yeah, we've heard all those stories.
Maybe my mom wouldn't mind a glimpse of that
Jay.
That's her.
She wants me to help pick out Cam's gift.
I'm still that guy, you know. 100%.
What the hell? How do you cut your finger
on a cracker?
Anyway, if I thought there was a fight worth
fighting,
I'd fight it.
Ow! Now I got salt in this. That stings!
Next time, don't scream at your boss
so that he doesn't make you work during the
weekends.
Si. Adios.
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-【488】-
Modern.Family.S03E17
Hey, mom. Who were you yelling at?
Your father, baby.
He cannot make it this weekend.
Okay, I admit it.
I wanted Jay to kick that little dutch man's
ass at the bar.
But two seconds on the phone with Javier,
and I remember what that stupid hothead
behavior gets you-
Nothing.
It's better to be calm like Jay.
Like Jay and me. Like Jay.
I'm back!
Wouldn't you know, I forgot my ding-dang
sunglasses.
Luke, could you give me a hand?
What were the chances that Phil had come
back to apologize
for all the game playing
and have an open conversation with me
about what I was feeling?
Okay, I got a bottle of fake blood out of
the Halloween supplies.
Put a dab on your finger, say you cut it.
I say I need to run you by the doctor. Easy
trapezy.
Got it?
See ya on the other side, brother.
Just once, I would like Phil to have a
little empathy,
give me some sense that he understands what
women go through.
You feeling any better?
Hate to see the whole team on the D.L.
Ow! My finger!
I don't like the sound of that.
I said a little bit!
The cap fell off. I decided to just go with
it.
Okay, we gotta get you out the back.
- God, what happened?! - Oh, it's just a
little cut.
But to be safe, I'll run him by the doctor.
No, are you crazy?! Call 9-1-1!
No, no, they're so busy.
Where's the wound?! We need to put pressure
 Modern.Family.S03E17
on it, right? woman in the relationship.
- I'm gonna be sick! - My--my finger. What are you laughing at?
Oh, he needs a tourniquet! Where do I put Okay, everybody follow the birthday flag!,
it?! What'd you call me? Oh. Uh, oh, yes.
- On my finger. - Stop! There is nothing Oh, my gosh. It's so elegant. I'll bet
wrong with him. Pepper is dying.
- Luke, what's going on? - I cut my finger? Oh, you know, actually, Pepper couldn't
- Dad? - How crazy is that? come.
They were in my pocket the whole time. I'll Because he hates boats. You know, after the
see you. navy.
Phil! Yeah. Oh, yeah.
What is going on, Luke? I guess Longinus got over his fear of--of
Dad staged the whole thing water?
so we could go on the trapeze without you Mnh. No, no.
three. Why don't we just focus on the 30 people
Why? who are here,
Because... having a great time!
B-because... Ew! It smells like somebody's dead.
Because of this! You're all monster-ating! Ugh! What is that smell?
- Luke, no! - Are you kidding me?!Oh, my That faint odor is-- is a tiny, tiny blue
god! Oh, my lord. whale
Sorry! I know you told me not to say it, who apparently has indeed died, uh, nearby.
but I... But...
Phil! Si, but it's getting all over my coat.
Is this what you've been teaching our son? I don't smell anything.
That--that women are some kind of unclean Maybe that's because you smell like a
lepers bouquet of flowers.
that should be hidden away under sheets for Oh, yeah. Watch out for that.
a week? Ugh! It smells like puke married poop
Do you have any idea how offensive that it? and had the ceremony in my nose.
I do, honey. You paint with words.
And from the bottom of my heart, Okay, don't worry, everybody.
I am so... Soon we'll be way, way out at sea, bouncing
s-s-scared. on the waves
Ugh! Oh, no! with all of his sweet-smelling brothers and
Oh, my. sisters. Okay?
Okay. - Mitchell Pritchett? - Oh, yes. Hi.
Surprise! Hi. I'm your captain tonight. We've got a
Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's amazing! problem.
- Yeah, it's a boat party. - Oh! Because? I can't fit this many people on my boat.
Your life is like a voyage. No, no. I was--I was told you could take
Oh! Well, everyone's is, but I love it 30.
because none of our other friends have ever I have exactly 30 guests.
done it. Plus six in help. You gotta drop a few
Aw. That's so sweet. people.
Oh, it must be easy with no dirty, broken Come on. There--there must be something

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【489】-

that we can do here.
Well, we have bigger boats,
But this is the best I could do on two hours'
notice.
What is the problem?
Apparently,
Mitchell started planning my birthday
party two hours ago.
Mnh-mnh. No. No, I-I did not.
Uh, apparently, we have too many people for
his boat.
- So... - That's crazy.
I've seen more people clinging to a
floating door.
I'm sorry, lady. It's a safety issue.
Oh, no. You're going to have a safety issue
if you don't take me away from this whale.
Okay, little too much finger, little too
much attitude.
What's all this?
Uh, two hours of Mitchell's hard work going
down the drain.
Look, I can't fit more than 30 people on
the boat,
As I was just explaining to the lady here.
Well, first of all, that "Lady" is my son.
He wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about her.
Oh. Her. Oh, it's "Her" now.
Well, "Her" happens to be my wife.
You got a problem with her, you got a
problem with me.
No, no, Jay...
- Calm down. - I didn't have a problem
before,
but now I'm starting to.
No, your problem's about to get a lot
bigger.
No, Jay, I know you think this is what I
want, but it's not.
- I've got this, Gloria. - No, Jay.
I was just being stupid today. I like that
you're calm,
that you think first, and you act second.
I need that in my life.
Yeah, so walk away, grandpa.
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-【490】-
Modern.Family.S03E17
You know what?
Nobody call him "Grandpa"!
I do.
Okay, that's it!
No boat! Everybody off my dock, or I'm
calling the cops!
So no party now?
No! No, of course! Just...
Just... Just give me a minute okay?
Oh, after what you did with two hours,
- I can't wait to see what you do with a
minute. - Cam!
Poor Cam. He seems so upset.
Oh, is that hard for you, Phil,
That he's have a feeling around you?
- I'm so sorry. - Too many emotions?
Okay, okay, I give up!
Yeah, I made a mistake today.
But only because the three of you ganged
up on me
like when the wolfman, Dracula, and
Frankenstein
show up in the same movie,
except this wasn't awesome!
I have been on an emotional roller coaster
all day today.
I'm afraid. I'm mad. I'm mad because I'm
afraid,
and now I can't even think straight
because I'm in so much pain from what just
happened over there!
And the whole thing makes me so sad, and
I'm not even sure why,
and I'm nauseous from that smell but I'm
so hungry.
Yeah.
Cam, the--the boat wasn't even part of the
plan.
No, it's fine.
It's my fault for letting my expectations
get too high.
- I'll get over this one, too. - No, no.
I had this whole "Wizard of OZ" party
planned,
only today I realized that it might be
a-a little too tornado-y.
 Modern.Family.S03E17
- Today? - Yes! I'm sorry. You just missed the cutoff.
I'm sorry I-I didn't make the connection, How about we see you next time?
okay? How about you make an exception and strap
Probably 'cause I've been planning for him in there?
months Yeah, we're, like,ten minutes past your
so that you could have the perfect party deadline, anyway.
and be happy, And you don't want to make us angry today.
which now I don't even think is possible. - Ladies, uh, I really can't make any
Oh, I'm sorry that I would like to have exceptions. - "Ladies"?
a nice 10th birthday party. And that was how they apologized to me.
Well, you can't have it, Cam! Come on, Phil!
You wanna know why?! Because you're 40! Oh, god, Phil!
You're a 40-year-old man! You did it!
I am 40. At least, I-I think it was. I could never
- I'm 40. - Yes. ask them.
Oh, Cam, stop it. This is so satisfying!
I'm 40 and I'm--I'm on this stupid--wait, Best I've felt all day!
what is that?! Can I rent one of these on a monthly basis?
Oh, it's this... Yes!
thing! Oh, yay!
Suddenly, it all made sense. Best 40th birthday party ever.
Cam's craziness all day wasn't about a No, no. 10th.
party. - Really? - Yeah.
it was about turning 40. In fact, you're still that sexy little 8
And once he realized that, everything got year old
much worse. I fell in love with.
- I've done nothing with my life! - Oh, No, just go.
w--stop it.
Come on. How--how can you say that?
You're--you're a wonderful father. You...
You--you graduated from clown college.
You've been to France.
I don't want to be 40. It's not fair!
- I know. - Nothing's fair.
2 miles from here is an amusement park
full of happy families swgiging on a
trapeze.
That's all I wanted for my special bonus
day.
What?
I'd been trying so hard
to figure out what Cam wanted for his
birthday.
He'd been telling me all along.
He wanted to be 10.
Seriously? There's nothing you can do?

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-【491】-

Modern.Family.S03E18
This week, the world lost a great man,
and I lost a mentor.
For nearly 60 years, Professor Ringmaster
Al Uzielli
helped young hopefuls like me find their
clown persona.
"Professor Ringmaster"?
It's a very prestigious title at clown
college.
One step below Piemaster General.
Where's Lewis?
Who knows?
Okay, guys, it's just us.
Lift on three.
Hey, how come you guys haven't accepted my
friend requests?
I didn't know you were on facebook.
Yeah. You said it was only for teenagers
and people looking to have affairs.
Well, I figured if you can't fight it...
not the having the affair. That's still
bad.
No. Not that, but there's nothing wrong
with catching up
with a few old friends, right?
Or doing a little social networking with
by B.F.F.S?
Social networking or social not-working?
Oh! You know what we gotta do?
We gotta get a picture of us all together
on a boat.
I think that's a thing now.
So what do you say? Accept my friend thingy.
Sorry, mom, I-I didn't get a friend thingy
from you.
Yeah, you know, they have a lot of blocks
on there
to protect kids from weirdos.
Mm. Okay. Good, good. I'll send it again.
- Great. - Please do.
Please don't.
We got her request the first time, but
ignored it.
I can't have her on there snooping around
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【492】-
Modern.Family.S03E18
seeing what I'm doing at parties.
Or posting pictures of us on family
vacations
wearing old, dorky clothes.
What? What's wrong with this?
Dad, check it out. I made one giant Oreo.
Luke, what are you doing?
You gotta eat it like it's an ear of corn.
Genius.
- Wow. New suit? - New everything.
Kids, gather 'round. It's time for a life
lesson.
Aren't we already gathered?
Let me tell you something.
Hard work, determination, and perseverance
always win out.
I am living proof that nice guys can finish
first.
Today I have a chance to get the biggest
listing of my career.
Oh, I have never seen this man so focused.
I'm like a boxer before the big fight.
That's why I didn't have sex with Claire
last night.
Sorry, honey.
Mm. It's--it's okay.
But as soon as I get this listing--ding!
Let's just stop. Stop.
I see you.
What? I'm scratching.
Hey, mom?
Is it okay if I have a friend come over
tomorrow?
Who? Reuben? Or the nervous one that gets
the nosebleed?
It's Griffin Cooper.
Griffin Cooper?
Griffin Cooper is, by far,
the coolest kid in Manny's grade.
He's a terrific athlete, he's confident.
Manny's a great kid, sure, but he's not
exactly cool.
He can't even open a door cool.
Salutations, Wyatt. I'm so glad you're
joining me
for an afternoon of mirth.
 Modern.Family.S03E18
Ah, good evening, Reuben-san. jazz hands.
May I ask you to remove your shoes? No worries. I may have an interested buyer.
Tonight, we are going Japanese. I'll bring him to you.
I invented a new language this morning. Really?
When did you guys become buddies? Okay, but could you come back later?
Was it a football game in the yard? I really need to have them to myself right
- You made a great catch? - No, that didn't now.
happen. Oh, yeah, okay. I completely understand.
But the librarian told me one day I'll be - Okay, thanks. - You're welcome.
a great catch. Wait. What?
I'm really not getting that relationship. What are you doing?
Why can't you just be happy that Manny's Watch this.
making new friends? - Hello? - Oh, it's Mitzi Roth.
No. 'cause it doesn't add up. - And Phil Dunphy. - I may have a
Cool kids like Griffin Cooper-- prospective buyer
They don't hang out with kids like Manny. for your beautiful house.
Manny's very cool. - I was wondering if maybe I could come in...
Maybe those kids are finally catching up - Hey, Stan! Hey, Patti!
to him. and just have a look for a little while.
Wait a minute. I get it. - We've got a lot to talk about. - Come on
Couple of days last week, in.
I took Manny to school on my motorcycle. Hey, guys. Yeah.
Griffin must think I'm pretty boss. I'm wondering if maybe we shouldn't be
Yes, Jay. It's all because of you. alone for this.
Kids are looking for role models. I'm in.
Why do you think Fonzie was so popular?, Go back to condos, Dunphy.
He told people that they were rich, Oh, my god! This place is absolutely
but really took their money with his gorgeous.
scheme? Stunning. Stunning.
No, that's a... - You are in such good hands with Phil. -
Yes. Hey.
Those people were victims of a Fonzie How are you guys?
scheme. I mean, fingers crossed, though.
It's showtime. You know, so many new companies go
Hey, Dunphy. belly-up.
You gettin' ready for your one-woman show? - Terrible. - Well, good to-- good to see
Mitzi. you, Mitzi.
Mitzi Roth-- a notorious poacher - Guys, how are you? - Oh, no. No, no, it's
in the world of high-end residential real fine.It's fine.
estate. Come and take a look.
We call her the "Nightmare on Elm Street," Oh, thank you.
Because she sold a lot of houses on Elm - Thank you. - Mitzi, please!
Street. Mitzi, please! Please!
What are you doing here, Mitzi? - What are you doing? - Oh, my god! He shoved
I have an appointment. This is my listing. me!
Oh, I didn't think that was dotted line yet, - What?! - He shoved me!

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-【493】-

- For god sakes! Phil! - Oh, my god!
I thought you had your anger problem under
control!
I don't have an anger...
I don't--anger problem.
I don't have an anger problem.
Whoa. Hey. It's over? What the hell?
You're an hour late.
Huh. Good to see you, too, chuckleberry.
Look at that. Your oversized pants are
starting to fit.
Hello, Lewis.
Hello, Fizbo.
For several years,
I was one half of the renowned clown duo
Fizbo & Lewis.
We were huge.
In children's parties.
Anyway, I disbanded the group shortly after
I met Mitchell.
It's hard to have a relationship and a clown
career.
That's the reason there are so many single
clowns.
Just one of the reasons.
Anyway, um, Lewis hasn't spoken to me
since.
He's still bitter, and I don't blame him.
It's kind of like I broke up the Beatles.
Of children's parties.
What do you say we hit a bar?
Tip a few back to Al, huh?
I heard you were in jail.
Yeah? I heard you're still doing that lame
giant scissors bit,
You blue-haired hack.
Who's in?
- I'll go. - I'll go.
Just give me a minute. I gotta redo my lips.
All right. Cerveza.
What about you, Fizzy?
You gonna come or you gonna break up this
party, too?
Hey, shotgun, bitches!
I should, you know, probably go.
- You know, for--for Al. - Oh, yeah, no,
Modern.Family.S03E18
of course.
But, hey, listen, don't let him get to you,
all right?
No. It's fine. It's all seltzer under the
bridge.
Just one drink, and then I'll be home.
Okay. Just drive me home first?
No, you, uh, you--you take the car.
I, uh, I'll go with the guys.
In that tiny car? How are you all possibly
gonna...
Forget I asked!
It's 5:00 in the morning.
Daddy's juggling!
Lily, honey, what are you doing up?
Are you just getting home?
Yeah, things got a little out of hand.
Somebody had a flower that squirted
tequila.
What do you mean "Somebody"? I want full
credit.
What up, red?
Really?
Teach me to juggle!
It's very simple.
The key is to
be aware of where everything is at all
times.
And don't forget the importance of balance!
Oh!
Okay. Okay. Come on.
I think I cracked my eggs.
We're out of eggs?
Are you yolking?
And I haven't eaten in five days!
Five days! Are you cereal?
Lily, don't ever do that.
Okay. You two are deliberately not
confirming me.
Everybody else has accepted my facebook
requests--
Your father, uncle Mitchell...
Adele.
That's right. Adele has agreed to be my
friend,
And my own daughters haven't.

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-【494】-

Yeah, you may just be a fan of Adele, and--
What is so private that I can't possibly
see it?
Nothing.
Nothing. You just don't want to be my
friend.
Great. I can see my next status update--
"My daughters are monsters."
You're not gonna believe this.
Mitzi got the listing.
Oh, no, honey. That's awful.
She cheated, she lied, and she won.
Kids, gather 'round.
Again, we are gathered.
You wanna get ahead? Don't play by the
rules.
Turns out nice guys finish last
In this cold, dog-eat-dog world.
It's not fair. Why don't you play dirty,
too?
You could take her down.
Honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than
that.
He has values and morals and--
You. Keep talking.
Well, just off the top of my head,
You could take my spy pen and record her
admitting what she did.
And then you could play it for those people
So they realize what a jerk she is.
Your dad is never gonna
- do that-- - you're a regular chatterbox
today!
Get me that pen!
- I got it! - Remember, pal, keep it simple.
Hey, Manny.
Griffin--legendary creature of greek
mythology
With the head of a lion and wings of an
eagle.
What'd you say, Jay?
Never mind.
Jay Pritchett. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
You know, I, I saw a little of that
basketball game of yours last week.
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【495】-
Modern.Family.S03E18
You were lightin' it up.
Thanks.
I was lighting it up, too, Jay.
Who's hot? We're hot!
Mustangs are hot!
Hola, Griffin. How are you?
I'm fine.
So what do you boys have planned for today?
Well, it's kind of a surprise for Griffin,
But let's just say it involves decoupage.
- Oh, jeez. - Come on. Let's go.
Good-bye.
Oh, no.
- What? - You were right.
This boy is not here to see Manny.
I told you. You see the way he looks at me?
No, Fonzie, the way he looks at me.
He couldn't talk. He kept staring.
He was just like my teachers back in school.
Gloria, you're very pretty.
But the kid idolizes me.
Really?
Griffin! Manny!
Do you want to go with Jay to ride his
motorcycle,
Or you want to go with me to the supermarket
And buy a couple of onions?
Motorcycle rides!
Onions sound good.
Guess he has a thing for you, too.
Hey! We're back!
Hey, I-I just finished cleaning the
kitchen,
So if anyone has to do a spit take,
Please do it over the sink.
We felt really bad about that, so we got
you a present.
What--what's the deal with this?
I open it up and snakes fly out, or a fire?
No, we just know that you like to read.
Yeah. So open it.
Aah! Got him!
No. No. That's exactly what I expected.
'member, when I told you?
Okay. Look, it's almost go time,
So we should have a shot and go white up.

I'm sor--excuse me. "White up"?
Oh, yeah. Lewis got a call to do a birthday
party this afternoon,
So we're gonna put the old act back
together.
Yeah, Fizbo & Lewis, together again.
And they said it would never happen.
Said. Hoped.
Could I talk to you for a second?
Uh-oh. Trouble in queer-a-dise.
Okay, look, gonna go out to the car for
smokes.
Please tell me "Smokes" is not another
clown,
'cause I don't think I could handle another
one of him.
Oh, Lewis is not that bad.
Well, what do you see in that guy, Cam?
I don't know. Maybe the fact that
he doesn't roll his eyes every time I talk
about the art of clowning...
Like that.
He may have had his faults
but we were great together.
We had an unspoken language.
We finished each other's balloon animals.
But you would never know,
Because you have never been to one of our
performances.
Birthday parties.
You hate my clown side.
No. No. No. I don't hate it.
Just admit it. I basically already know you
do.
Okay. Okay. Cards on the table.
- It's not my favorite thing that you-- -Oh,
how dare you?
I am a clown. It's who I am!
If you squeeze me, do I not honk?
Eye roll!
Oh, like I had a choice!
Knock, knock.
What are you doing here?
Hey, um, I-I brought you some... soup.
You know, I thought about it, and maybe I
did push you.
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-【496】-
Modern.Family.S03E18
So... how's the ankle?
Oh, come on, Dunphy. You know I flopped.
Haven't you ever seen an NBA game?
Oh, I'm sorry. In your case, WNBA.
So that was all a ruse?
The oldest trick in the book.
You need to step up your game, son.
You know what? I almost feel sorry for you.
Come here. Give me a big hug.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
No hard feelings, huh?
- None at all. - Good.
Because I just recorded your entire
confession...
right here on my...
Spy pen?
Second-oldest trick in the book.
Oh, god. A real man would have just poisoned
the soup.
Are we... done here?
Ah. Thank you.
Hey, mom. Guess what?
Griffin invited us all over to his house
for a pool party and barbecue tonight.
Pool party, huh?
Yeah, and he said bring your swimsuits.
He was pretty adamant about it.
It's 50 degrees outside.
Sounds fun.
Great. I'll call him.
You know, you're basically agreeing to a
date with a 13-year-old boy.
Jay, we use this go get us tables at
restaurants,
Why can't we use this to get Manny a friend?
Because he's not really getting a friend.
Oh, but when you thought that
he was trying to ride your motorcycle, it
was okay.
Maybe now I don't like what he's trying to
ride.
Manny likes Griffin.
Maybe someday, if they spend enough time
together,
Griffin will like manny.
What? Griffin doesn't like me?

No, no, no, papi. He loves you.
But you just said someday Griffin will like
me.
That means he doesn't like me now.
You know what, kid?
We think that Griffin might be hanging out
with you
because he's got a little crush on your
mother and me.
- On you? - Wow. I can't believe it.
- Listen, it's fine. You're gonna be fine.
Okay? - I'm sorry.
Are you kidding? It's fantastic!
How is it fantastic?
I'm only hanging out with him
because I have the hots for his sister
chloe.
You've met Griffin. The kid's a doorknob.
So you're just using him?
Yeah, and I felt really guilty about it
until now.
Now it's a win-win.
Not for me!
Just suck it up, mom.
I've done a lot for you over the years.
Jay, you, too. This girl could be the one.
Then I'm out of your hair forever.
Pool party, mom. Dress accordingly.
Can you help me reach that box of cereal?
Hey. You're Mitzi Roth.
I recognize you from your ads.
Smokin', right?
I'm Luke Dunphy.
My dad's Phil Dunphy.
I'm sorry.
Why do you hate him so much?
It's just business, kid. It's not personal.
Well, it's personal to us.
I've never seen my dad so worried before.
I have this spy pen,
and I heard him talking to my mom,
and he's scared about paying for my
sister's college next year.
And I guess he's nervous about some kind
of party,
Because he said there's a big balloon
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payment.,
Anyways, he's like the best dad ever,
So maybe you could be a little nicer to him.
There you are, buddy.
Check it out. They're giving away free
jelly beans.
Hey, Mitzi.
Dunphy.
You have a very nice kid there.
He's mine.
Hey, so I was thinking after, uh, little
Fizbo,
We could do the ladder bit.
Ah, crap. I forgot the ladder.
You know, I'll remember it next weekend.
What's next weekend?
We got a town fair in Thousand Oaks
and a birthday party in Pasadena.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I-I can't do that.
W-what do you mean?
I'm the one with outstanding warrants in
Pasadena.
We're taking Lily to the aquarium next
weekend.
You know, Lewis, this was just a onetime
thing, right?
What happened to "We're putting the act
back together"?
Well, that was just for today.
Oh. Oh, sure.
- I'm--I'm sorry if you thought... - No,
no, no.
I get it.
You're a family man now.
Let's go out there and make this
the best show Fizbo & Lewis have ever done.
You got it, partner.
Ladies and germs, boys and girls,
say hello to my good friend...
little Fizbo!
Hello, big people!
Hi!
Let's get this party started!
Wow, all this dancing sure has made me
hungry!
Wish I had something to eat!
 Modern.Family.S03E18
Oh, forgot I had that fish over there. College, balloon payment, greatest dad
Don't know why he's so mad at me! ever.
He was fine just a minute ago. Nice. Do you want me to squirt some tears
Ohh! Okay! in your eyes?
Somebody's a little punchy today! Dad, please.
Oh. Hey. I was fake crying before I could walk.
What's the frying pan doing here? How do you think I got out of eating all
When did we add a frying pan to the act? those salads?
We don't need-- nope! Don't need the frying Can you help me reach that box of cereal?
pan! Oh, hey. You're Mitzi Roth, right?
Why are you doing that? Stop doing that. I recognize you from your ads.
Screw you, you traitor. Smokin', huh?
Ow! That hurts! I can't believe you got that listing back!
Seriously, stop it! - Sweetheart! - Honey!
Know what hurts? Abandonment. - Honey? - Mm-hmm?
Listen to 'em laughing. We could have been Ding?
something. You sure you wanna ding a chatterbox?
We could have been some-- I can't do this Honey...
bit by myself! Buddy, quick--
Somebody! Somebody! This isn't pretend! What's the trick to those fake tears?
Someone grab an adult, please! The three stooges are all dead.
Mitzi. Yeah, that's good.
Your kid forgot his cereal. Well, it looks like somebody likes
There's a surprise in every box. Coldplay.
Spoiler alert-- it's diabetes. Mm. Right. You saw.
You drove all the way over here for this? Did you see the pictures I posted from
Okay, look, here's the deal. thanksgiving?
You can have that listing if you want it. Totes adorbs.
- What? - Yeah, the couple are a real pain. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm too old for that kind of headache. You gotta check out my wall. Right there.
Just keep your mouth shut about it. "Spring break, 1990, New Orleans."
- Thank you so much. - I just said "Zip it"! Is that you?
- Oh. You did. - Unbelievable. What?
I'm so sorry. But thank you. Some guy from your college tagged you in
Bye! a picture.
Kids, gather 'round! What is "Tagging"? What is "Tagging"?
We are right here! Why are drinking out of a funnel?
Let me tell you something-- people are Why there's a hand...
fundamentally good. Ok, untag it.
The key is, you find that goodness deep Untag it.
within 'em. Girls, I'm serious, untag it.
Twist it, Turn down the wall.
and turn it to your advantage.
Hello.
And... there she is.
What are you gonna hit?

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Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respond
to allegations that you look super sexy in
your new suit?
Uh, I haven't been elected yet.
Come on, kids! We gotta vote!
- Honey, come on. Please stop filming. -
I'm just excited!
After today, you are going to be a
councilwoman,
and I am going to be a first husband.
And if you don't stop filming,
you're going to be my first husband.
All right, everybody, come on!
Do you know what you're doing, kids?
You guys are manning the phone banks.
Alex, you're in charge of that.
Wh-why is she in charge? And what's--what's
a phone bank?
That's why.
- Phil. - I got it.
I will be driving 50 of our finest senior
citizens to the polls,
assuming, of course, that they remember
that I'm coming for them.
- Where you at? - High-five.
Old people occasionally forget things.
Okay. All right, everybody, let's go. Let's
go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Real quick!
Sorry. Everybody get in there. Jump in
there.
I just want to say how proud of you we all
are.
You're an inspiration.
Who would have thought that 20 years ago
when you were still in the bloom of your
youth--
Okay, I'm gonna go start the car.
Claire likes to win.
When she was 8, a little girl scout friend
of hers
bragged she could sell the most cookies.
Damn if Claire didn't walk the neighborhood
till she got blisters on her feet and won
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by ten boxes.
Best part is
Claire wasn't even a girl scout.
The choice is Claire!
Vote Claire Dunphy for town council.
Aw, I love it!
- What do you think, huh? - I love it.
We got it on Craigslist.
Came off a taco truck.
- It did. - I love that you're doing this
for me.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
I know how important winning is to Claire.
And I love to festoon things.
We're her dream team.
So we cleared the whole day, dropped Lily
off at school,
and voted first thing.
Although, uh, one of us had a bit of a
dimpled chad situation.
Can you tell me how this machine works again,
Chad?
Oh, sure. No problem.
Just wanna look in here. Just--
Thank you. Thank you.
- Bye! Bye!- Thank you, guys!
I can see Clairely now that Duane is gone.
Bye! Thank you! Oh, my gosh.
Okay, everybody, get in the car. Let's go.
Let's go.
Good luck today, Claire.
Oh, Laurie, thank you.
Hey, by the way, we have some really good
news.
- What's that? - Becky got into the
University of Oregon.
Oh, congratulations!
Any news, Haley?
Uh, uh, no, not-- not yet,
but, you know, super psyched!
This whole waiting-to-hear thing has been
a nightmare
since the very first letter.
I'm too nervous. I can't do it.
"Dear miss Dunphy,
we regret to inform you..."

What?! Don't leave me hanging!
After that, I decided to only tell my
parents good news.
I have one school left,
and the only good news I've gotten
is that my annoying neighbor Becky
is moving back east to Oregon.
- Manny, write this down. - I didn't bring
a pen.
Election day is America at its finest.
The people speak, and the government
listens.
I don't know what they do in Colombia.
No one does, and don't ask.
I mean, we know that voting's a privilege,
but for my daughter to have her name on that
ballot,
it just means so much more--
You know what? I think I'm gonna vote later.
What? Where are you going?
Ah, the line is too long.
It's only three people! And nobody has a
gun!
We are here, we are queer],We're here,
we're Claire,
get used to it!
You know, I'm not sure if that's tracking.
Here, let me try one.
You don't have to be Clairevoyant to know
who to vote for.
Vote Dunphy for town council.
Uh, uh, uh, Claire Dunphy.
Uh, C-Caire's her first name.
I'm sorry if that wasn't Claire.
Oh, my God. Look at that. There's a trash
can right there,
and that guy just threw his paper on the
sidewalk.
Hey! You in the yellow jacket.
Pick it up and put it in the trash.
- Oh, my God. He did it. - Yes, he did.
Ooh, here. Let me try one.I'll try...
Hey, dragon tattoo, no jaywalking!
oh, my gosh.
This is an instrument of power.
How could they not sell tacos?
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You know what we could do with this thing?
Cam, we could really make a difference.
We could be the voice of change.
Ooh, I got it!
Let's go yell at the dry cleaner that lost
my shirt.
Come on, gang.
Today is the Dunphys at their best.
I'm from the "Weekly Saver." Mind if I ask
you
- a couple questions about the big election?
- Not at all.
Fire away.
Who are you voting for today?
Claire Dunphy.
Finally. I've been waiting for someone to
say that name.
Why?
Uh... Because I am Claire Dunphy.
Oh, sorry. They moved me over from ad sales.
We take turns reporting.
How do you feel about your chances today?
Not as good as I did a few minutes ago.
No, she feels great.
Um, her spirits are high. The whole
family's high.
- There's your headline. - Phil, no.
Uh, how about a photo of all of you?
- Yeah. Sure. Yes. - Mom, mom, mom. Tag.
- Tag's still on. - Oh, my Goodness.
Thank you.
That would have been a really awkward
picture. Okay.
No!
What is that?
Is that a tooth?
- Ew! - Awesome!
How old are you? No!
- Do it again! - How does that even happen?
It's a-a fake tooth from an old ice-skating
injury.
- It just fell out. - Oh, my gosh. Why
today?!
- What about the... - Let's not overreact.
- Let's--let me see it. - Okay. All right.
Got it. Thanks.

What happened back there?
Line was too long. I couldn't wait.
I've seen you wait 45 minutes in line for
sherbet!
Well, I happen to like sherbet, okay?
That place I take you
has the greatest sherbet on the west coast.
They got lime sherbet, they got coconut
sherbet.
Why are we talking about sherbet?
He's clearly changing the subject.
Why aren't you in school?
He's doing it again.
Manny's right. You're being very ardilla.
- "Ardilla"? - Yeah, you know, the--
The one that--that--
- Rabbit? I was being rabbit-y? - No,
another one
- With the cheeks and the tail and... -
Chipmunk?
- Possum? -Okay, obviously she means
squirrel.
You were being squirrely then,
- You're being squirrely now. - Better than
being a rat.
Manny, give us a minute.
Oh, sure. I served him up on a silver
platter.
What?
All right, it's no big deal.
There was a woman working there.
I didn't want her to see me.
- Who is she? - Her name is Dottie.
She's the first woman I dated after my
divorce.
You dated a Dottie after Dede?
Y-you're focusing on the wrong thing here.
The--the point is it ended badly.
I tried to let her down easy, but, uh,
she didn't take it too well.
Actually, I don't know how she took it,
'cause I wasn't there.
We dated a few weeks, then after we... You
know,
I slipped out of her house before she woke
up
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and never called her again.
Put my pants on in her yard, put the car
in neutral,
let it roll down the driveway, lights off.
Hey, I can't talk about this anymore.
So because of this woman,
you didn't vote for your daughter?
It's Claire! We need her to win!
I don't want to be around when something
that tight comes unraveled.
I'll figure out something.
Maybe those poll workers take shifts.
Stop hiding in your little cave like a--
Like, you know. Like the-- the--the--
- I really don't wanna do this again. - No,
the--
No. No. The big one, like, uh, the monster
furry one.
Ay, why can't I remember any animal names?
Climb aboard the Dunphy Express.
Next stop--democracy.
- Well--no, no... - Please don't go.
I won't do that anymore. I promise.
Oh. Uh, we need to make a quick stop.
I gotta pick up my new glasses.
No can do. I, uh...
I got a lot of people waitin', so...
It'll just take two minutes.
I can't even see the ballot without my
glasses.
I mark the wrong box,
next thing you know I'll be married to a
guy.
Yeah, I-- I don't think it's mandatory,
Walt.
I'm a good dancer. They'll come for me.
Oh, yeah.
They will break all your buttons...
and say you brought it in that way.
Okay, go, go, go!
Turns out we had a lot of axes to grind.
And a hybrid, so there was virtually no
stopping us.
Do not see that movie!
You will neither laugh nor cry!
"Best pizza in the city"?

Not even the best pizza on this street.
They do not do the hair of the people on
those pictures!
"Totally free checking"?
Don't bank on it!
Okay, that was really fun,
But now we gotta go back to campaigning for
Claire.
We've been saying that for two hours.
Yes, but now I-I really mean it.
- Oh, my god, there's Sandy! - Sandra
Bullock?
Yeah, Sandra Bullock.
We're such good friends, I call her
"Sandy," So...
No, Sandy who works at Lily's preschool.
- Right there. - Oh, yeah.
- You know, she got engaged. - No!
- To the gay boyfriend? - Totally.
Oh, how does she not see it?
If I was with somebody that gorgeous,
I'd overlook a few quirks, too.
First of all, thank you.
Second of all...
point well taken.
I don't know. Poor Sandy. I feel so bad for
her.
- Well, it's better than being alone. - Is
it?
She's looking over here.
- Oh, my god. - Mitchell, you're sitting
on the button.
What? No--no, I'm not. No, I'm not!
The--it's stuck!
And you're the one that had it last
- when you were talking to the cheese shop!
- Because you know what?
If you advertise truffle cheese,
- there are certain expectations... - Hi,
Sandy.
Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Claire
Dunphy.
- What a beautiful name. - She used to be
a citizen.
I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy for
town council.
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Modern.Family.S03E19
All right. How about this?
if you vote for Claire Dunphy...
You won't have to pay taxes for the rest
of your life.
Vote for Claire!
Luke! What are you doing?
You can't say that!
Oh, like she'd be the first politician
to make a promise she can't keep.
Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you,
either.
Maybe you are the one that is bothering me!
How do you like that? Eh?
Gloria, I'm gonna have to ask you again
to please stick to your script.
But everybody's saying no to me!
I don't get it.
Usually when I ask someone to do something,
they just do it!
Maybe it's because these people can't see
you.
I don't like it.
Can't you just hook me up to some sort of
camera?
Well, thank you, Maggie, for the vote.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Here's your seat.
Thank you. Um, you'll have to excuse me.
I'm a little nervous. I've never been on
the radio before.
Don't worry about it.
- Just think of it as a conversation. -
Okay.
Here are your headphones. Volume control.
- Don't get too far from the mike. - Okay.
Make sure your cell phone's off.
Oh. Cell phone. Right. Um...
And you're not chewing gum, are you?
No, I'm not. I just had some temporary
dental work done.
The last thing I need--
And welcome back to "A matter of record."
I'm Cecil Van Gundy.
Joining us now in studio is district 43
town council candidate Claire Dunphy.
Thank you, Cecil.

It's a pleasure to be here.
So... You're a first-time candidate.
Tell us what got you involved.
It all started with a, um...
With a stop sign.
I was concerned about safety in our
neighbourhood
and I was not getting any satisfaction from
city hall.
What's wrong with mom?
Oh, this isn't good.
She sounds drunk!
That's not her drunk voice.
Tell us about some of the other issues
facing our town.
Where do you stand on the city's
sewage and sustainability initiative,
the so-called S.S.I.?
One cannot really talk about
s-s-sewage and sustainability
without first discussing... recycling.
This city can do more...
- What the hell's wrong with her? - with
the recycling program...
She sounds drunk!
- ...currently... - It's a tooth thing.
What's wrong?
Oh, I'm almost out of air. Oh, boy.
Is that serious?
Is oxygen serious?
You know what? I lost a ton of time getting
your glasses.
I'm just gonna drop you at home.
You can get your air. I can drive other
people.
I don't have any more tanks at home.
Why? That seems like bad planning.
Well, I forgot to order them.
My pills make me forget things.
Oh, shoot! I gotta take my pill!
Please tell me you have it with you.
Of course I do, but I have to take 'em with
food.
- Don't I? - Are you asking me?
Uh, yes! I do take them with food!
Ooh. I don't feel so well.
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Okay, I'll get you whatever you want!
I'll get you the air, I'll get you the food.
Then I'll vote for your drunk wife.
That is not her drunk voice!
Thank you so much for voting.
We appreciate it.
Hi. I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me. Jay
Pritchett.
Uh, can I get in-- in and out really quick?
Thank you. This is all I needed.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
All right. Claire, Claire, Claire.
Claire, Claire-- ahh, ahh. Here.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Hello, Dottie!
Jay! It's so nice to see you!
- Is it? - Oh, why wouldn't it be?
That was a long time ago. Water under the
bridge.
- We're good. - Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much for voting.
You remember my daughter Claire. She's--
She's running for town council.
- Oh, isn't that neat? - Yeah, I'm so proud.
So you're gonna put it in there, huh?
Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Definitely.
cause every vote counts, you know.
Thank you so much for voting.
- You know... - Yeah.
Boy, I'd sure like to see the sweet sight
of my vote... counting.
Why would I say I'd do something and not
do it?
That would make me a liar...
instead of a trusting widow
Who fell asleep in the warm embrace
of a man who promised to make breakfast.
Okay, here it is.
Look, I am so sorry.
You were the first woman I'd been with
besides my ex--
35 years.
I panicked.
An-and it wasn't 'cause y-you weren't
pretty naked
or anything like that.

I'd have run from Angie Dickinson.
- Oh, lucky her. - Dottie--
- Good-bye, Jay! - Dottie, Dottie, please.
I'm just trying to get my ballot in the box.
oh, yeah, that sounds familiar.
Yeah, but you don't have to do anything.
Just let me put it in!
Uhh. Shouldn't have said that.
We are so sorry.
We did not mean for you to hear any of that.
Yes, and you know what?
We shouldn't have been gossiping in the
first place.
But what if you're right?
What if Gregory is gay?
When my mom said it, I didn't believe her.
She lives in Iowa.
But coming from you two!
- Means nothing. - No.
We barely know your fiance.
- If he says he's straight, he's straight.
- Mm. Straight.
We're getting married in a month.
People are flying in.
He signed us up for dance classes.
Oh, my god!
No. No, no, no. Hey.
- This is what gays do. - Yeah.
- We gossip. - We gossip a lot.
He gossips!
No. No. You're missing the point, okay?
We see a great-looking guy like Gregory,
and we say he's gay because we want him to
be gay!
- Really? Really? Are you sure? - Yes. Yes.
Absolutely. Look at what we do with movie
stars.
Okay.
You know? Hugh Jackman-- he sings, he
dances,
He's dreamy!
So obviously we would want him on our team!
- Yeah. - But he's straight.
Trust me, I know.
I said hello to him once in a restaurant,
and there was absolutely no chemistry.
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Well, if that isn't proof...
Three weeks later, Sandy and Gregory got
married,
and everyone said the wedding was
beautiful.
Gregory did the flowers....
Which is perfectly normal for a straight
guy.
The Greeks do one thing right, and it's
lamb!
All right. Let's go vote.
Why the hell does your wife want to be a
politician, anyway?
You heard her. She wanted to put up
a stop sign at Bristol and Greenleaf,
But then she ran into--
Wait, wait, wait!
That's near where I live!
Yeah. We're neighbors. Let's go!
No way I'm voting for that!
Too much government already.
I didn't fight a war so some politician
could tell me where I have to stop my car.
You don't even drive!
That's 'cause that Barack Obama took my
license away.
I don't think he was involved in the
decision!
I left the house today to get 50 votes for
my wife.
I'm not going home with zero.
The least you can do is walk right in there
and punch a hole for the woman
who drags your garbage can up your driveway
every Tuesday!
I don't like it! Goes against everything
I believe in.
Really? A stop sign?!
But I'll do it, 'cause you're a good kid.
And I had a nice day...
till you started yelling at me.
So sorry. Thank you.
Here you go.
You know, my wife was an alcoholic, too.
Okay. Let's just go vote.
That's veteran political reporter

Walter Shapiro.
Hi, everyone!
- Any news? - Not yet, not yet,
But even if I lose, at least now I know
I have a future in radio.
I couldn't. People need to see me.
Before we get the results, I just want to
thank you all
for everything you've done for me.
Mitch and Cam, for campaigning for me all
day
in your little Claire-mobile.
- It's the least we could do. - Yeah.
Literally.
We probably did more for Hugh Jackman's
career
than we did for Claire's.
And, Manny and Gloria,
thank you for making all those phone calls.
And, dad...
for all your support.
I don't think I convinced anyone to vote
for Claire.
I don't think I even voted.
And my husband...
who drove around
I don't know how many senior citizens today
to the polls.
One.
And my beautiful children,
whose faith has given me the confidence
to believe that I can do this.
I can--oh.
- Somebody else answer it. I lost. - Mom.
Mom.
- I can feel it. I-- - Mom.
You can do it. Mom. Answer the phone.
Hello?
This is she.
Thanks so much for calling.
Bye-bye.
I have some bad news.
Because someone's gonna be busy now that
she's a councilwoman?
No, no, I wasn't doing that fake thing.
- I really lost. I lost. - Ay, no.
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I'm so sorry. But you know what?
We are still just so proud of you.
Yeah! I-- I don't know about you,
But, um... I could use a glass of wine.
Ohh. Now you're gonna hear her drunk voice.
Mom?
You okay?
Yes. Fine. I'm good.
I'm fine. I'm not fine. I wanted to win,
And... and I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, everybody out here worked so hard
for me,
and they believed in me,
and I let 'em down.
Oh, honey.
Oh, sweetheart.
Well, don't cry. I'm gonna be fine,
sweetie.
Really, I am.
Just knowing you care so much makes me feel
better.
No, I got four rejection letters
I never told you guys about.
What?
I got rejected from U.C.S.B., Oregon,
Wisconsin...
- Oh, no. - And Northwestern.
Well, we were overshooting on that one.
What about, uh...
It came today. My last chance.
I'm too scared to open it.
Whatever it says in there,
your father and I are crazy proud of you.
Okay?
I did start trying this year.
I know you did. You did.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Neither do you.
It's a little bit different.
No, it's exactly the same.
Except you tried really hard the whole
time,
not just at the end.
You're right.
It is the same.
We have nothing to be ashamed of...
 Modern.Family.S03E19
So let's open that together.
Yeah, open it.
What? No! What are you doing here?
No. Come on, haley. We believe in you.
Do it!
You can always work for me.
Come on. You can do it. You can do this.
- Come on, Haley. - All right.
Open. Open, open, open.
"Dear Miss Dunphy,
We regret to inform you..."
Oh, honey.
"While we cannot offer you admission at
this time,
"You are a promising candidate, and
therefore
We would like to place you on our wait
list!"
Oh, my god, I got wait-listed!
We will take it!
Yeah!
Congratulations! Congratulations!
Our daughter might be going to college!
Phil, look.
A stop sign.
It's addressed to you.
"Dear Claire, I won. You lost.
"Here's your stupid stop sign.
"Next time you think about bothering me,
"Please take its advice.
Your councilman, the honorable Duane
Bailey."
Honey, you did it!
I did it.
I made our neighborhood a little bit safer.
I may have even saved life.
You idiot, there's stop sign! Can't you
read?
we need speed bumps.
No, no. No! Honey!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【506】-
 Modern.Family.S03E20
paused.
Modern.Family.S03E20 Oh, um, sure.
We have to tell him. Yeah, buddy.
I hope he's okay. Come here.
Walt, our elderly next door neighbor, died. How weird was that?
He and Luke were pretty close, I know. Crazy weird.
so we have to tell him. It's like he had no feelings at all.
I'm a little nervous about it. I'm more worried about the one you showed.
I think we should break it to him slowly. What's with all the smiling?
Like how? What are you talking about?
Well, first we'd say, That grin.
"Luke, your friend Walt has a cold. "Walt's dead." You looked like the Joker.
You shouldn't go over there." I didn't smile.
Next day--"Bad news. Walt's in the You did. It's like a weird coping
hospital, mechanism.
but he's still cracking jokes with the You did the same thing when you told him
nurses." his hamster died.
Next day--"They're trying I don't know what you thought you saw, Phil,
an experimental drug. but our child just got some terrible news
Fingers crossed." and had absolutely no reaction. Doesn't
Next day--"His body rebelled. that concern you?
He's in a coma." Yeah. He probably just needs time to
Next day--he rallies, next day--coma, process it.
Next day--coma, Do you think?
next day--coma, Yeah, honey.
next day--eye flutter-- Death is a profound thing to deal with at
Stop. Just stop. Stop. any age.
Oh, Luke, we have some bad news for you. We all manage it differently.
It's about Walt. Some people lock up their feelings.
I'm afraid... Others...
He passed away. reach out for comfort,
Um, it happened yesterday. finding some way to reaffirm their
He finished writing an angry letter connection to life--
to the postmaster general, and he just fell You're joking.
asleep. Hola, Haley.
Okay. Gloria, I was driving by
It was very peaceful. and saw this outside your door, so here.
Not the letter. That was full of threats, - Thank you. - No problem.
but... Hey, so since I'm already here,
It's okay to be sad, honey. my friend was gonna have a pool party
You two were really good friends. tonight,
It must be quite a shock to hear that... but he got sick. Could we have it here?
Walt's dead. Mm. Good thing that you saw this paper
Um, so do you wanna talk about it or... or if not, you would have never been able
I'm okay. to ask.
Can I get back to my video game? It's Yeah.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【507】-

I'm sorry, but Jay and I are going
to Mitch and Cam's for dinner tonight.
I'm just thinking out loud here.
What if I get a chaperone that my parents
approve of?
Would it be okay then?
Well, I guess so.
You know, it would be good for Manny to have
a little bit of fun.
Do you mind if he stays here for the party?
Mind? The plan depended on him.
I don't suppose you've thought of a
chaperone?
Of course not, mom,
because it's going to be a wild party
and I'm trying to get away with something,
as usual.
Yes, I thought of a chaperone--
My uncle who already said he would do it.
But if that's gonna be a problem,
- I think I should just call everybody--
- sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. It's fine.
And thank you, uncle Manny.
Can you help a little bit?
This--if I--if I push down, does that...
Yeah, that's helping. That's helping.
No, it's not helping. It's 'cause it's
stuck.
I can't believe I got 'em this stuck.
I've built beds my whole life--
Bunk beds, dog beds, cow beds.
Okay, I'm calling you on cow beds.
Oh, that's my dad!
Okay. He can help.
He's built a boat, a dock, a lake...
Uh, he did not build a lake.
Okay, from now on, just stop after you say
the second thing.
...So the cabin door swings open.
Damned if there wasn't a lady pilot in
there.
Yeah, well,
I hate to admit it, but it throws me, too.
I do prefer a man.
Are we gonna have this conversation again?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【508】-
Modern.Family.S03E20
- Hey, Merle. - Hey. How are you?
- Yeah, ooh. Okay. - Nice to see you.
All right, let me grab that for you.
No. No. I got it.
I will take that beer you were about to
offer me, though.
Oh, yeah. Coming right up.
And you know where everything is. Go have
a seat.
Oh, I missed a call from my dad.
Oh, let me guess. Is he calling to cancel?
What's his excuse this time?
You know, that's a really mean thing to
assume, Cam.
I really wish you'd give my dad a break for
once.
Oh, please. You know Jay doesn't like my
dad.
He thinks he's some bumpkin from the
sticks.
Well, I will have you know that Merle
Stonewall Tucker
is one of the most respected farmers
in all of hell's hollow, Missouri.
Okay, you're not hearing yourself.
My dad likes him just fine. Come on.
Hello? Hey, dad. It's me.
Mitch.
I'm sick.
I gotta cancel tonight.
Yeah. Yeah, 6:00. We're really looking
forward to it.
What are you doing? I just said I can't
come.
I don't know. Let me ask.
My dad wants to know red or white?
Um, uh, red.
Red. And I'm sorry.
Okay. Yeah, Cam says red.
Okay. Yeah, he's--he's so happy--
Knock it off, old man. You are not sick.
Why do you always do this?
Okay, look, between you and me,
Mervis kind of bugs me.
Okay, first of all, it's Merle.
Mervis isn't a name. Mervis is a sound.

And second of all, he's-- he's my partner's
father.
Okay? You're coming.
Okay, dad, why don't you settle in?
We don't have plans until dinner tonight
with Jay and Gloria.
I-I don't like that guy.
What? That's--
You like everybody.
Not Jay. The guy rubs me the wrong way.
Every time I try to do something nice,
he makes this cranky face, like...
Okay. Well, you know what?
I'm gonna chalk this up to jet lag
for you because it's not like you at all.
Okay, you have to make an effort.
It's my partner's father.
Now give me the growl that means "Okay."
Good.
Did you know Walt had a daughter
he was completely estranged from?
His lawyer said she wouldn't even honor his
last request
to toss his dog tags in the ocean.,
Can you imagine?
Phil, do we really have to go through this
again?
I told you, I would do everything possible
to make sure that your skeleton
ends up in a science class at a women's
college.
No, it's just sad.
That's half of what would keep me going in
my old age--
remembering all the good times with the
kids.
Teaching Luke to ride his bike...
Haley at the father-daughter dance...
Taking Alex for her first pony ride...
You never took Alex on a pony ride.
Oh, right. That was just me.
But Alex and I went...
Oh, no. That was Haley.
Phil, look. It's Luke.
He's going into Walt's house.
Oh, he's saying good-bye.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【509】-
Modern.Family.S03E20
He just needed a little time.
It's so sweet and so sad.
He's so much more sensitive than I ever
thought.
They had a special bond. I wouldn't be
surprised
if one day he wrote a book like "Tuesdays
with Morrie".,
I never read it.
Did that guy steal Morrie's TV?
Now setting a course for adventure!
I've had great experiences with all my
kids.
But I... I might have fallen behind a bit
with Alex.
My fault completely.
Adventure? We are throwing dog tags
into an already polluted ocean
where they will probably choke an otter.
80% my fault.
Honey, we're bringing closure to a man's
life.
We'll hike up to the scenic overlook,
where apparently, Walt proposed to his
wife,
wait for the light to be just right, say
a few words,
share some memories.
That's kind of poetic.
Kind of Navajo.
Now you're getting it.
We'll be sending him off with a level of
dignity,
that if we're lucky, someday we'll
experience, too.
It's called--
Hey. What do you got there? Walt's old TV?
He said I could take one thing after he
died.
I wish he would've said two things.
I would've taken that phone with the big
buttons.
I bet you guys had some really good times
watching this thing, right?
No. I just wanted a tv in my room.
You know, Luke,

there might be a nicer way to honor Walt's
memory.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, you guys liked to garden.
We could, uh, we could take one of his
flowers
and plant it in our yard, and then every
spring, when--
There we go.
Sweetie, how are you feeling?
You sad? Angry?
Confused? Frustrated?
You know you can talk to me.
I know, but I can't see through you. Could
you scootch?
No. No. You know, this is not okay.
It's going back.
What? He said I could pick one thing.
This isn't picking.
It's looting, and it's going back.
You are so mean.
When Walt used to look through those
binoculars
and say, "Your dad's one lucky man", he was
wrong.
Hi, Haley.
Hi. Stef, Sam, this is Manny.
What's up, dude?
Kitchen's over there and pool's in the
back.
So where are your parents?
They're not coming.
I was told there'd be a chaperone.
There is. It's you.
My parents are totally fine with it.
Well, exits,
fire extinguisher, burn kit.
Okay, let's have some fun.
I believe I was clear the bedrooms were
off-limits.
Young lady, I don't think you're ready up
here
for what you're planning to do up there.
Ugh. Not on my watch.
Oh, this was a delicious meal, Mitchell.
I wish my wife could cook a roast like this.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【510】-
Modern.Family.S03E20
You got a good one there, son.
Oh, well, I'm very lucky, just like you and
mama.
Never had a bad patch.
Except the winter of '85. Remember that?
Oh, I spent several nights in the cow bed
then.
Oh, here. Let me help you.
No, no, no. You sit--sit down.
Let--lets us guys catch up here a little
bit.
I'll tell you why I don't like that guy--
and I could never say this to Mitch--
He treats my son like the wife in the
relationship.
Always has.
Before we get to dessert, I've got some
presents here.
Oh, you didn't need to, dad.
Love it!
Oh, Merle, thank you so much.
Look at this. Oh. So elegant, huh?
Oh, this is so sweet.
I think I might cry.
Don't.
Dad, I really gotta get home.
I know. I know. You gotta do homework.
But you can't expect me to see a sign that
says,
"World's greatest milk shake--50 miles,"
and not drive to it.
Sorry, sweetie. Machine's broken.
I just wanted a special day with my
daughter,
You know, like "the time we gave an old man
a dramatic sendoff at the beach,"
or--or "the time we drove 100 miles
for the world's greatest milk shake."
Call us when it happens, Francine.
Oh, it could be before you get home.
I'm a week past my due date as it is.
What can I do for you?
"The time we delivered a baby."
We were the only ones there, and she was
so close,
The sound of a pin dropping could induce

labor.
Okay!
What looks good?
What looks good?
What looks good?
Wh-whoa! Kids love to destroy things.
Not Manny. He's always been a little bit
too serious.
I would make the buildings, and he would
inspect them.
And if they weren't up to code, ay, ay, ay,
the paperwork.
I remember Cam, one time,
rolled a tractor tire right through a
chicken coop.
He was 3 at the time.
I remember Mitchell, one time,
karate-chopped a plate glass window.
Got 17 stitches.
Ah, yes. I love that story.
Which one of the Charlie's angels he was
being again?
- That's not important. - I think it was
Farrah.
Yeah, the thing I remember is, when
Mitchell told that story,
how--how he giggled all the way through.
I'm sure he wasn't giggling.
Oh, yeah, he--he was giggling, all right.
No, see, Mitchell has a booming laugh.
It's Cameron, actually-- has the high
laugh.
You know...
No, I think Mitch has a higher laugh than--
It's...
No, it's...
Listen to them.
Listen to them.
Best of friends.
Oh, man. I'm sorry I doubted Jay.
He's been lovely.
Oh, well, confession time--
He kinda didn't want to come.
Well, you're gonna laugh
because my dad was kinda hoping he
wouldn't.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【511】-
Modern.Family.S03E20
Wha?
Oh. They just needed to get to know one
another better.
I am so glad that we did this.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, that's so funny.
Wh-what did your dad not like about my dad?
Oh, well, you know Jay. He's a teddy bear,
but sometimes he can kinda come off as a
tough guy.
Yeah, that's true.
As an actual tough guy,
You can kinda see how that would rub my dad
the wrong way.
Oh, it's--I-I could see that, but, you
know,
my dad's actually pretty tough himself,
so...
Oh, yeah, city tough,
You know, not farm tough.
You mean cities, where there are gangs,
as to opposed to farms, where there are
ducks?
Oh, boy. It's really jammed in there.
Yeah. Why don't you hop on in there, dad?
My dad's got it.
- All right, let's see here. - Hang on,
Merle.
- Wait. Here. Huh? - Hold. Yeah, that's
good.
Oh. It's coming.
We got it. We got it.
Oh, there you go. There you go.
Cam, why don't you go get us a couple of
cold ones?
We'll finish this job up in here.
Sure thing, dad. You earned it.
Yeah. Good helping there, Merle. Okay.
It's hot in here.
It's, like, 80 degrees.
He did that so the meals on wheels lady
had to take off her sweater.
How do we turn on the lights in here?
Of course.
So, Luke, now that we're here,
you wanna take a minute and say what Walt

meant to you?
Nope.
Luke, you are going through something huge
in your life,
and I'm concerned that you're not
processing it
in a normal, healthy way.
I'm sad. I'm so very sad.
No, I don't just wanna hear what you think
I wanna hear.
- I want you to really tell me-- - Hi.
It's Kim with meals on wheels.
Hi, Luke. Where's Walt?
It is like a sauna in here. How does he stand
it?
Walt! I'm waiting for my hug!
I have some sad news about Walt.
He's dead.
What?
He died last night.
Are you joking?
No. He had a heart attack.
A man died. You're-- you're smiling.
I'm not smiling.
You are, mom. It's kinda creepy.
Well, hello? Walt?
What's going on?
Something happen to Walt?
Well, I'm sure you can imagine.
He sick?
He's in the hospital?
Oh, my god. Just tell me.
Mm! Okay.
He is... dead.
- He is? - Yeah, he's dead.
What are you doing with your mouth?
- Nothing. - She's smiling. She thinks it's
funny.
I don't. I don't think it's funny.
- I'm not smiling. - I'm not leaving this
with you.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just found out my face does this.
Wow, mom. That was so wrong.
Well, it's--it's called a coping mechanism,
Luke.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【512】-
Modern.Family.S03E20
Some people repress their feelings
and some people just smile. But d--it
doesn't matter.
Just put the TV in the den. Let's get out
of here.
It doesn't go in the den.
It goes right here.
I can see it from my room.
Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the
night
and look down here.
If the tv was on, I knew he was up,
and I don't know,
I guess I'm gonna miss that.
Yeah. That's...
Yeah.
Is that any better?
Yeah, it still feels just, you know, a
little wobbly.
Oh! Oh, my god. Okay, no, no, no.
That's--that's fine. Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, it's "Go" Time.
Oh, hey, doc.
It's okay. It's just a cramp.
Can I get you guys anything else?
Please, no. He's already made me eat
the world's greatest everything on the
menu.
Dad, why are you acting like this?
Is this about Walt dying?
No. It's about what he didn't do when he
was alive--
Have a special bond with his daughter.
I don't want to be that kind of dad.
I want to be Eugene Cernan.
Who's Eugene Cernan?
"Apollo 17" Astronaut,
Last man on the moon, coolest dad of all
time.
When he was leaving the moon, he reached
down
and wrote his daughter's initials into the
lunar surface.
Since there's no atmosphere--
There'll be there forever.
Wow. So every time she looks in the sky,
 Modern.Family.S03E20
she knows there's a message just for her. It's just that it makes me feel a tiny bit
Exactly. That's why dads everywhere hate better
Eugene Cernan. to think that the person he's spending his
Oh, no. life with
Okay, "Hate's" A strong word. It's just-- is a tiny bit of a woman.
I'm trying to make-- I get it.
Oh. Oh, boy. Every time I start to feel comfortable with
Honey. Okay. this thing,
I really wanna help, some new part comes up I gotta wrap my head
but you know when someone yawns, around.
It makes you yawn? Yeah, I guess we got no choice.
You're not gonna yawn, are you? Yep. We got two sons,
I already yawned a little in my mouth. Oh, and they're gay for each other.
god. I'll take it slow on the way home.
Jay, I want to thank you for helping me do Don't worry. Canceling course for
this. adventure.
I know Cam appreciates not having to do it You know what I'll never forget?
all on his own. The time my dad spent the entire day
What? What's that face? trying to create a special memory for me.
You really wanna know? Or when a pregnant lady slipped in my vomit.
Sure. Hang on.
Sometimes I think you treat my son I wanna do one thing before we go.
like the woman in their relationship. Hey, you on your way home?
- What? - Like those watches. Just about. How's everything there?
Cam's was all big and manly. Actually, it's pretty great.
The other one looked like something I can't wait to see you.
Grace Kelly would wear., Me, too.
Well, that's just because Okay.
Mitch has a more slender wrist than cam does. Let's hit it.
That's all. I don't know.
It's skinny, not slender. I feel like maybe we should get some food
And you're honestly telling me on the way home.
you don't cast mitch in the more ladylike Don't.
role? Maybe a nice tuna melt.
Are you saying Cam is the wife in this deal? Stop it.
I don't think about it that way. I did what I could, mom. It was a nightmare.
It's not like it was in our day. I can't tell you how many times I turned
Husband went out to work. off the bathroom light.
Wife stayed home with the kids. Haley!
That sounds like a clever way of saying Oh, crap. Listen, Gloria.
"Yes." Okay, everything I told you technically was
Fine. not--
They're both equal. You lied to me
Neither one is the wife. so that you could have a party without
Yeah. Yeah. supervision!
I know that in my head. Oh, I had plenty of supervision.

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【513】-
 Modern.Family.S03E20
He was running around all night with his
coasters and vacuum
and his "Make good choices" Speech.
Good. Somebody needed to be responsible.
Thank you.
Not you. You take rules too seriously.
I'm in trouble?
You are 13.
You're not supposed to be vacuuming the
party.
You're supposed to be enjoying the party.
Exactly.
A party that you shouldn't have been
having!
It seems like you're sending mixed signals
here.
Yeah, maybe I should get my friends and just
leave.
No, you're in trouble, little young lady.
You're having this party!
What? They've been using glassware by the
pool,
putting feet on the furniture,
and begging girls to kiss each other.
Yes! All the things that you should have
been doing!
Yeah, all those things are fine.
Go. Have fun and go crazy.
But he's gonna ruin my party.
Two birds with one bullet.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【514】-

Modern.Family.S03E21
How you doing?
Phil Dunphy.
What do I have to do to get you to ask
"What do I have to do to get you into this
car today?"
Well, why don't we start it with a test
drive?
I'll get the keys.
Sounds good.
Right where I want him.
Come here. Come look at this.
This thing warns you if you deviate from
your lane.
In my car, that's my wife.
"Andre, if you try to kill me,
I swear I will kill you!"
Well, I guess this is what I'll be driving
for the next 39 months.
This is my D.N.A. talking,
But you do not seem sufficiently excited
about the prospect of driving a new
Cadillac.
No, it's great. I've just leased the same
thing forever.
Part of me wants to shake things up.
I don't know.
Get something like...
Like that.
Colonel Klink, that is nice.
We took Lily on her first train ride.
Just a quick trip to chinatown.
I was worried she would think
We were taking her back to Vietnam,
But she seemed okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Possibly because she was an infant when she
left vietnam.
Also, Vietnam is not China.
Well, I had a lollipop with me just in case.
I love that we're doing this.
It's important for her to explore the city
she lives in.
So much diversity.
Keep your wallet in your front pocket.
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【515】-
Modern.Family.S03E21
My shoe's untied.
Oh, sweetie, it is. Here, have a seat.
Right here. There you go. Hey, hold bunny.
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no! - Bunny!
How did you miss that, Mitchell?
Mr. Conductor! I-I...
What?
I was purell-ing!
And it's me! Why would you toss it?
Because my hands were full?
I want bunny!
I know. W--okay, I have an idea.
Let's catch the next train and ride it till
it catches up.
They don't catch up. That's called a
collision.
Okay, well, do you have a better idea?
- You're the one that lost it. - No, you
tossed it.
He who tossed it lost it.
Don't try to clever your way out of this.
Daddy lost bunny.
She means you.
Oh, I wanted a car like this since I was
a kid.
Me, too.
I used to imagine the wind blowing through
my perm,
blasting some Hall & Oates,
maybe horsing around with my Mr.
Microphone...
Yeah, we wouldn't have been friends back
then.
You should buy it.
No, it's not practical.
Practical? You never see a person on their
deathbed
saying, "I wish I'd have been more
practical."
I see a lot of people on their deathbed,
Phil.
A lot.
I thought you operated on knees and elbows.
Phil, this is a nice car.
And it's half the price of a new car.
If you don't buy it, I will.

What would Claire say?
You know what? Maybe we should find you
Something with a little more lumbar
support.
Yeah. You know, with you not having a spine
and all.
- I have a spine. - Do you have a spine?
- I have a spine. - So wanna take it for
a spin?
You know what? I'd rather take her for a
spin.
Let's get her top down
and see what she can do.
I'm--no, I meant the convertible.
Well, I just talked to the concierge,
and room service will save me a bread
pudding.
Load off my mind.
You mock me, but "Travel and leisure"
Says it's not to be missed.
This weekend, we're going up to pebble
beach.
I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys I played high
school football with.
Man, those were the good old days.
Yeah, unless you were a woman,
black, hispanic, or gay.
True, but if you were a straight white guy
who played football,
you really couldn't have a bad day.
Gloria?
Which watch should I pack?
This one's showier. This one's more
expensive.
Why do you care so much about a watch?
How do I say this without sounding like an
ass?
I'm kind of a legend to these guys.
Not like that.
Who's your daddy?
Whoa! Whose car is this?
- Mine! - I talked him into it.
Seriously? Mom's gonna let you have this?
Luke, Luke, Luke...
Where is she?
Dad, I don't like this.
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Why not?
My friend Molly's dad bought a sports car,
and now he lives in a studio apartment
and dates a girl who works at Forever 21,
which she won't be for two years.
Hear that?
Honey, I'm not leaving your mom.
Might not be your call.
Oh, my god, it's so pretty!
I love it! And I love you,
and I promise I'll take super good care of
it!
Can I tell her?
Please. I ask for so little.
Alex, be nice to your sister.
It's dad's car, not yours.
What? But you're too old for this!
It's just like last year
when you wouldn't take off those skinny
jeans.
Wouldn't or couldn't?
Hey. I looked hot.
And you look hot in this car.
Let me tell you something about your dad.
Your dad is a man who knows what he wants,
and he gets it.
At least that's what I heard.
You know, I was there more as a friend and
an observer than anything.
- Andre. - Hey, Claire.
Honey. Is this the new car?
I know it looks impractical,
but Andre's seen a lot of people die.
I'm not upset.
I'm not upset. It's a beautiful car.
Just surprised you didn't get the sedan,
that's all.
Beautiful.
Good seeing, you, Cl--
Mm. It's beautiful.
What just happened?
She did not blink once.
Do you wanna come in for a minute?
No, I gotta... You know, I gotta get to the
wife.
Well, do you...

- Uh, do you need a ride or anything? - No.
No, no,
I'm gonna, uh, I'm-a jog.
- Why--why are you running? - I'm just gonna
jog!
Lily was up all night because she didn't
have bunny,
which means that we were up all night
because she didn't have bunny.
God, she must have cried for...
How long was it, Cam?
Cam. Cam.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, last night was rough because Lily...
- Covered it. - didn't have bunny.
Jay, tell me, why are we on the runway?
Surprise! We're taking a private plane.
Wow! I've never been on a private plane!
And you never will.
I am not getting on that little thing!
What if the rubber band snaps and we fall
out of the sky?
It's perfectly safe. It's a legitimate
airline!
Hey, folks.
Whoa. Nobody said three.
All right. Before we take off,
I'm gonna need to get everyone's weight
here.
- No problem. I'm about 190. - Okay.
Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.
Gloria, I would never put you and Manny in
danger.
Now come on! Trust me on this!
Beautiful.
It's American music the whole way,
and I don't wanna hear a word.
- How you doing there, sport? - Great. Yeah.
Awesome. You know what's awesome?
Is this car has the engine in the trunk,
so that means I get to...
Put these signs in the seat, which is cool.
Very cool.
What?
Oh, nothing. My, uh, client just wants me
to pick her up on the way to the open house,
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which is great. I'll, uh, drop the sign off
and just swing across town to...
Oh. She's bringing her mom and a designer.
Well, maybe they'll fit in the trunk.
Here it comes!
What? I was making a joke.
What's your game, woman?
I have no game. You're an adult. You can
make your own choices.
Since when?
Do you wanna borrow the minivan?
Yes, please.
Okay, fine. Then you're gonna have to pick
up the kids from school.
Okay, I can't take it.
If you got something to say, just say it.
I have nothing to say.
- That just says it all. - Well...Ok.
All--all right. Thank you, Serena.
See you tonight.
Good news--they rescheduled my massage for
the morning.
Bad news--it's a dude.
Don't blame me. It's your mom's fault.
Do you know how many people have died in
these planes?
John Denver,
Patsy Cline,
Ritchie Valens.
I've heard you sing. I think you're safe.
All right, look,
The welcome dinner starts in four hours.
It's a 5-hour drive.
No bathroom breaks.
Yeah, I think you're gonna want to hold on
to that cup.
Damn it!
- What was that? - Giant pothole.
The dash is lighting up like a christmas
tree.
Tire's blown!
This never would have happened if we were
in the air!
If this had happened in the air, we wouldn't
be in the air.
We would be in rock 'n' roll heaven!

Okay, what do you think?
I'm gonna put these in the subway.
Okay, it looks like, uh, Lily's missing
and we're offering $25 to get her back.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. No one in their
right mind--
Okay. That's all I see now.
- How about this one? - Okay. Um...
"Missing--stuffed bunny. Brown and white
fur.
Sympathetic eyes." What are sympathetic
eyes?
Not those.
I just--I don't really love the idea
of our phone number being up in the subway.
Okay, let's play a different game.
How about I be the problem, and you be the
solution?
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so critical.
I know you're just trying to--got it!
Just came up with a better idea.
Took me less than five seconds.
Okay...
I can't hear you. What?
Window.
I don't know...
Gah! What did I do?
Oh. Oh, my.
- Yes. Hi. - Hey, nice car.
Thank you.
You gonna drive up the coast, or...
Oh, no. I'm gonna do some errands,
actually.
Yeah, 'cause other people might go and buy
a crazy car
with an engine in the-- in the trunk, but
not me.
No. I'm responsible. Mm-hmm.
We have three kids. You can't pick up three
kids in this car.
You can't.
You--it... It...
I'll get you... Catch ya.
I'm going!
Maybe I was a teeny bit mad.
So I blew off my errands and headed up the
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coast.
It was my turn to be irresponsible.
And luckily, I had sunscreen in my purse.
Well, your strut's shot,
And we can't get parts for at least a day.
Fantastic.
I don't suppose
there's any place you can rent cars
anywhere around here?
Know what, sir? We're not some one-horse
town.
Of course you can rent a car.
It just happens to be out for the day.
Unbelievable.
- We're gonna miss the whole weekend. - I
am sorry, Jay.
I know how much you mean to those guys,
and I know how much they want to see you.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, excuse me.
You are...
so pretty.
And if you really need to get somewhere,
maybe I can help you out.
Ay, yes, please! Thank you! Anything!
Check it out. Restored it myself.
No.
I did not get in the little plane at the
little airport!
I'm not gonna get in this...
flown by that guy that couldn't fix our car!
Gloria, it's either this,
or we're in the motel.
I don't like the sound of that.
A lot of amenities disappear when an "H"
Becomes an "M."
You know, when I met you,
you were eating cereal out of a bucket.
Hey, Lily, guess what?
What?
Uh, we just heard from Bunny.
This is a terrible idea.
No, it's fantastic.
Bunny said he's on an amazing adventure
having the time of his life,
And that you should pick one of his best

friends
to sleep with while he's gone.
Bunny doesn't talk.
This is going great.
He does now, because--
because he took talking lessons.
So what do you think, huh?
Turtle or giraffe
or, uh, little reindeer?
Where's bunny now?
Uh, St. Louis.
Why?
He's visiting his girlfriend.
He doesn't have a girlfriend.
He has a boyfriend!
I want bunny!
Okay. No, no, Lily.
Lily, uh, what about miss, uh, Teddy bear?
Huh? No? Uh, Dr. Tiger? No?
Mr. Fish?
I want bunny. I'm going to St. Louis.
Really? You don't know Nemo?
It's on an endless loop in the den.
I have a job.
And then Bodie kicked it to me,
and I dribbled it past Michael and got it
to Tyler...
I was bummed not to be in my new cool car,
so I wasn't joking around with the kids like
I usually do.
And I would've scored if that kid didn't
trip me.
I can't believe the ref didn't see it.
I bet Olivia saw it.
She's always watching you when you play.
Yeah, I know. It's like she's in love with
soccer.
Ugh. Stop texting me!
What?
Corey. He is so clingy.
But, you know, there's something about
driving your kids around.
You're in the front, they're in the back.
They forget you're there,
and you learn so much.
You're like sigourney weaver in "Gorillas
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-【519】-
Modern.Family.S03E21
in the mist."
Except gorillas make less noise chewing.
Once I hit the coast highway, I didn't stop.
I turned off my cell phone.
I ate fish tacos for lunch. It was insane!
I haven't felt that free in years.
All my stress completely disappeared...
And so did my keys.
I'm sorry, but... These signs are
ridiculous.
Oh, you're right. I should have used
helvetica.
It much better represents the urgency of
our situation.
No, the lengths that we're going to for a
stuffed animal.
You know, cam, maybe it's time lily learned
about loss.
No, she's 3, and I know.
Do you know how many times
I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on
the farm?
And didn't it make you stronger?
Yeah, because I was a growing boy
and they were chock-full of protein.
But it was still heartbreaking.
It builds character.
You know, once, when I was a kid,
my dad left my Luke Skywalker doll on an
airplane,
- and I was so angry-- - Wait, which--which
Luke?
Shorty robe or dress blacks?
- Shorty robe. - Oh, my.
And you know what he did to get it back?
Not a damn thing. Nope.
He didn't lift one pudgy finger to make a
single phone call,
and I got over it.
Yeah, well, I want you and Lily
to have the same healthy relationship
you and your father have. For sure.
All right, give me these flyers.
I'm gonna take everything to this side of
the homeless guy.
Mitchell!

Sorry, what are we supposed to say now
Home-challenged? Or...
No, look!
Oh, my god! It's bunny!
Oh, Lily's gonna be so happy.
Oh, that's so great. Go ahead and get it.
- What, me? - Yeah.
Why should I go and get it?
Well, I-I'm not gonna do it.
Why? I spotted it.
You're closer.
It's your journey. Luke Skywalker?
Pattern-breaking? Your father? Get in
there.
Fine.
Sir--hi, sir.
Hello, you--you...
Hello.
Hello.
He-hello? Sir...
- I-I can't... - Oh, for god sakes!
- Let her hate us. - You turned out great.
- I did, didn't I? - You're a big lawyer.
This is not the massage I had in mind.
All right.
Okay.
In about an hour, a train goes through town
that will get us close to pebble beach.
Now it's not technically a-a passenger
train,
- so it won't be stopping. - What?
So we gotta get running real good.
No high-heeled shoes. And it wouldn't be
wrong
if we took that blanket with us, either,
huh?
So what do you say? Anybody up for a hobo
adventure?
If we're voting, I'm a "No".
Manny, we're gonna be right back.
We're gonna get some ice from the machine
in the parking lot.
Classy.
Jay, this is getting crazy. Is it worth it?
I wanna see the old gang.
Do you wanna see them or you want to show
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-【520】-
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off to them?
The private plane, the fancy watch.
You still want to feel
that you're the big kahuna on the campus.
That's not it. That's not even a thing.
You know what? I'm taking Manny home.
If you want to go in the
takka-takka-takka-takka,
okay, go to pebble beach by yourself.
No, what? That's not the plan.
If you wanna go there so bad,
that's the only way you're gonna get there.
I'm not trying to get me there.
I'm trying to get you there!
- What? - Look...
I may have exaggerated the size... kahuna
I was.
I may not...
technically have been a kahuna.
I was shy, and I spent most of my time...
on the bench.
But you always made it sound like you--
Oh, I know what I made it sound like.
People didn't expect much from me,
and, um...
they certainly didn't expect me
to end up with... somebody like you.
So this is all about you
parading me around like a trophy?
Yes.
Why didn't you say so?
I can be a trophy!
Come on. We need to get this up to pebble
beach.
Manny! We're leaving! Get ready!
Oh, good. If we get out of here in the next
ten minutes,
we don't have to pay for the second hour.
How you doing there, sport?
- I'm sorry. - That's okay.
Thanks.
So...
Whatcha doing all the way up here?
Did someone snap?
A little. Yeah.
I was mad at you for buying that stupid

sports car.
I knew it!
And I was wrong.
It's a great car. God, I had the best day.
Phil, I did cartwheels.
Without me?
Yeah.
Hey, did you know there's a girl with a
crush on Luke?
- Olivia. - Yeah.
Oh, and Haley's totally done with Corey.
That's new.
Alex is teaching herself Chinese
so she'll be useful when they finish buying
us.
She's so weird.
I really want to be able to drive the kids
around.
I need a bigger car for work. I made a
mistake.
No, you didn't. You bought it for a reason.
When did we stop coming to the beach?
I think it was when Alex
started printing out water quality
reports.
She'll be China's problem soon.
You know...
We don't need a sports car to get out here.
We should just make a pact.
Once a month, we get out to the beach.
And we tell everyone we're running errands.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So you didn't get to the dry cleaner?
They say the important thing in life
isn't the destination.
It's the journey,
the challenges you face along the way...
the unexpected twists and turns...
the disappointments you overcome.
Look what I found on the internet.
Oh, my god! It's Luke Skywalker in his
shorty robe!
- I love it, Cam---. - Mine!
But they're wrong.
It's all about the destination,
especially when the destination
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-【521】-
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is your amazing oceanfront hotel.
Thank you again, Serena.
Warmest regards, Manny Delgado.
What's he doing?
He's sending flowers to the concierge.
- Oh, jeez. - Hey...
Credit card.
She wore you down, didn't she?
This is not about Claire.
I really want to sell you the car.
It's sad. She got you to believe that.
No, I...
Turns out I'm just not a convertible guy.
Well, your loss is my gain.
- It's a sweet ride, Phil. - Right?
It really is.
- Uh-oh. - What?
I'm getting, like, a whiff of mildew.
I don't smell anything.
Yep. That's mildew.
This car's been in the flood.
It's a Katrina car!
I'm offended that you tried to sell me a
Katrina car, Phil!
Your wife won't let you have a convertible,
will she?
We will never know, 'cause I'm afraid to
ask.
See you later, Phil.
Why you running again?

Modern.Family.S03E22
Please, please, please, please.
Okay, what is this?
We're making sure I'm tall enough
to ride all the rides at Disneyland.
Without having to spike up my hair.
Buddy...
We are good to go.
Sweet!
I have been waiting for this day
ever since the doctor pointed
to the ultrasound of your mom's womb and
said,
"Either that's a fifth limb,
or you got a boy."
Okay, no. Gross.
All right... I want everybody to eat a lot
at home
because "The happiest place on earth"
is also home to the most expensive churro
on earth.
Come on. This is gonna be awesome.
Who doesn't love a day at Disneyland?
Can't you and mom go without me?
You're the kid. I think we need you to get
in.
Well, it couldn't come on a worst day.
The technology sector is tanking.
We're doing a stock market project in
school,
and today's the last day.
We all get a thousand fake dollars to
invest,
and as the market closed yesterday,
I'm in the lead.
I may not be the tallest or the most
athletic,
but someday I will be the richest,
which is good because the ladies love that,
and I've grown accustomed to a certain
lifestyle.
Do you really wants girls who only want you
for your money?
I'd like to have that option.
Manny, put the stock away and put your ears
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-【522】-
Modern.Family.S03E22
on.
Mom, I don't think you have to wear one of
these.
Be a kid! Put them on!
Really? Those shoes?
What?
Do you know how much walking you have to
do at Disneyland?
Why do you think they have so many fat
people on scooters?
I like wearing the high heels. I'm fine.
It's just like that jacket you refuse to
bring
when I say, "Take a jacket."
"Don't tell me what to do! I'm fine!"
Huh? And you're not fine.
You're cold and shivering,
and I look like the jerk who won't give his
wife a jacket,
so I do, and then I'm cold and shivering,
and I brought a jacket.
Are you done with your boring jacket story?
Because we're going to hit traffic.
Tell you one thing. I'm not gonna give you
my shoes.
Ah! That must be Ethan.
Who's Ethan?
Didn't I tell you?
My friend Bethenny's nephew is coming with
us today.
He moved to town to go to college.
He's very nice, very smart, big hockey
player.
I know what you're doing.
Really? She was so subtle.
Haley has a thing for bad boys,
which was so me.
Clearly.
So if she's going to be leaving the nest
soon,
we'd prefer it was not on the back of a
motorcycle.
My college roommate had a motorcycle.
Man, I had some good times on the back of
that thing.
I can't believe you did this.
 Modern.Family.S03E22
I'm not gonna babysit Bethenny's nephew. No, it's a child safety tether. This way,
Alex can have him. sweetie.
Okay, I don't need your rejects. It--it's a leash.
Hi, Ethan! I'm so glad you could make it. Don't--don't judge us.
Thanks for inviting me. Go on.
Sure. We have a runner.
Hi. I'm Al-- Lily is going through a phase--
my 14-year-old sister. Ethan, was it? at least... Oh, we hope it's a phase.
Yeah. She bolts every chance she gets.
And that's my grandpa and his wife Gloria Lily!
and her son Manny. Lily!
Wow. You guys have a big family. Lily!
Big family. So we had no choice
She likes him! to put her on a child safety tether.
Yeah, who wouldn't? It's a leash.
Where'd you find him, a Tommy Hilfiger And we did have a choice.
catalog? Lily, sweetie, don't pull.
He got a 2200 on his S.A.T.S. Lily, heel!
And those eyes... Dad.
Okay, did you get him for Haley or for you? If I'd had known you guys were gonna do
Mitchell. this,
You know, I haven't been here since dad I'd have brought Stella.
brought us when we were kids. It was Cam's idea.
Ohh, yeah. Remember? You cried in the So much for the united front.
Abraham Lincoln thing. I'll have you know, despite all your jokes,
Hey, he's a great president, Lily enjoys it.
and it was the first robot I ever saw. Okay, sweetie, you're not helping. You're
When Claire and Mitchell were young, not helping.
their mom and I were gonna take them to Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You guys, is that
Disneyland. Dylan?
But that morning, Dede and I got in this What?
huge fight Oh, jeez.
over something or other-- surprise, Dylan?!
surprise-- Uh, what are you... I didn't even know you
and I ended up taking them on my own. were in town.
Claire's biggest fear was running into the Either did I...
evil queen. Know you were in town.
My biggest fear was that I married her. This town. Anaheim.
Okay, people over 46 inches, I thought you were still in Wyoming.
first stop--Indiana Jones! I was, uh...
Have fun on the teacups, Lily. But, um...
Okay, let's do this. Oh, shoot.
Oh, okay, wait just a second here, You know, I, uh, gotta meet up with some
everybody. friends
All right. and I'm... really late.
Is that a leash? It was nice to see you, Haley,

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【523】-

and everybody.
And dude I don't know.
I'm Ethan. It's nice to meet you.
And polite dude I don't know.
Did Haley used to date that guy or
something?
Yep. You date her, that's the club you're
joining. Mm.
Of course he would still look amazing.
Does he? I hadn't noticed.
Did you know that Ethan plays the trumpet?
No great surprise with those lips of his,
huh?
Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson.
Okay, buddy, moment of truth.
Yes!
This is gonna be so awesome! Yeah!
In 45 minutes, this is gonna be so awesome!
Look, Reuben,
I have some underperformers I have to
unload,
and I don't have access to a computer.
Log in as moneydelgado--
Manny!
By all means, Reuben,
go get a popsicle while the nikkei closes.
I wanna be a pauper.
Mom, my stocks just took a dive.
Your phone is about to take a dive.
Come on! Where do we want to go next?
Oh! Ethan and I want to try the haunted
mansion.
There is no you and Ethan.
Let's go to the jungle cruise. It's right
there.
Why? Tired of walking in those heels?
No. You tired of being with a hot wife?
Well, well, well. What do you know?
Another caring parent with a child safety
tether.
See? We're not the only people who use them.
Hi! Aren't they adorable?
Oh, and look at your cutie!
Oh, well, yes. She just wanted to say hi.
Oh. Sorry. They're a little feisty today.
Oh! No problem. She's friendly.
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-【524】-
Modern.Family.S03E22
Rex, gentle.
Oh, his--his name's Rex, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, okay. Lily, no, sweetie. Lily, um...
Oh. Sorry. He--he just gets excited.
Oh, yeah, no--oh, no problem.
Lily, stop moving, sweetie. Stop moving.
Okay, you got this.
Okay. Okay. Good girl! Good girl! Sorry.
You know what the fight with Dede was about?
I taped a football game over an episode of
"Dallas."
Who bails on a family trip to Disneyland
over something like that?
Ironically, Dallas was playing in the game.
And I remember pointing that out to her,
and then I remember
a video cassette flying at my head.
You do not play the cello.
I do. Even geekier--I'm good.
Okay, answer me this--
I will answer you this.
Why do people carry cellos around?
You know, people aren't expected to lug a
piano around.
What's the cutoff?
I know, right? Like, go where the cello is.
Oh, look at this. I think I've
inadvertently
set up my 14-year-old with a college boy.
The boy was your doing?
Yes. Yes, and he was perfect,
and Haley was into him until,
of course, we ran into Dylan.
I mean, come on, dad. What are the odds of
that happening?
It's a small world.
Yes, it is.
- You see what I did there? - I did.
- 'Cause it's a ride. - I got it. Got it,
dad. I got it.
It's so frustrating because...
I know I can't run Haley's life for her,
but if she would let me, I would be so good
at it.
Right, 'cause parents always know what's
 Modern.Family.S03E22
best for their kids. Yeah, well, maybe they're staring
You remember that nice girl at the office because we have what they want.
I tried to fix Mitch up with? Whoa! Oh, a pet daughter. 'Cause that...
No offense, dad, but I think I probably have You know, I don't care what people think.
a better sense of what my kids need than If I thought it would keep my daughter safe,
you did. I would have a kangaroo pouch sewn into my
I think it's cute you think that. midriff.
Mom! That's gonna work out really well for you
It was so awesome! as a single parent.
The jeep was jerking around... Okay, we just got a glare from Mr.
And--and there was a lot of sharp turns and Socks-with-sandals.
big drops. All right, that's it.
It just kept going. Lily, I'm gonna take off this leash.
Wow. You okay? I think it's a mistake.
Great. Why wouldn't I be? But I don't want you to run away,
Because you're kinda leaning on me. 'cause that would be very, very unsafe,
Well, isn't that what a marriage is? and if we lost you,
Ohh. Oh, Alex, stop touching him. you'd be very scared, and we'd be very sad.
Oh. You look like hell. Okay?
I'm feeling a little dizzy. Okay.
I think that ride did something to me. All right.
The fluid in your inner ear is thickening. See, Cam? You treat her like a human being
That's what happens when you get old. and she acts like one.
It is? Chip 'n Dale!
Yeah, you can't take the motion. Oh, great. Now she's chasing squirrels.
I gotta pop a dramamine to get in my swivel Lily!
chair. Honey, come on!
That is not it. I'm king of the roller Lily! Lily!
coasters. Hey! How was Splash Mountain?
I think I just put It was great! Maybe we go again.
too big of a whipped cream smile on my No, thanks. There was no reception in
pancake this morning. there.
You guys wanna go on matterhorn? You know how many bars I had?
Luke, I think me and your dad are gonna sit Zip-a-Dee-doo-dah.
this one out, Reuben, talk to me!
maybe get one them big pickles. Must be nice to get out of those shoes for
No! You're gonna have to eat that pickle a minute.
on your own, Jay. I don't know what you talking about.
I still got a few good years left. Nothing. I'm just making conversation.
Luke, wait up! Hey. Check it out.
I'll race you there! I bought one of those souvenir photos
I'm good. I'm good. with you and Manny on the ride.
Okay, everybody's looking at us. Boy, it looks like you're having a good
I haven't been judged by this many people time.
since I forgot my canvas bags at whole Wait a minute. What's that in your hand?
foods. Are those shoes?

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-【525】-
 Modern.Family.S03E22
I'm not even sure that that is us, Jay. I didn't expect you to be so...
Why are you walking around in pain? So nice.
Just admit the shoes were a bad idea. Why are you so surprised?
I am not in pain. Now please don't go all Latin on me when
I just didn't want my favorite walking I say this.
shoes to get wet there. Is it possible
Okay, my bad. you get angry from time to time
Well, we've gotta meet everybody in because you're always wearing...
Tomorrowland, Uncomfortable shoes?
so we'd better get movin' Maybe.
'cause it's all the way on the other side Can you get me a couple of more?
of the park. Maybe they have purple?
I'm fine. Whatever you want, honey.
You just try to keep up with us. All I'm saying is,
I can't take this. it seemed like you were pretty into Ethan
Dad, throw your hands up! It's fun! until Dylan showed up.
Oh, yeah, it is fun! Don't get me wrong. Ethan's nice, but he's
Reuben, if you heard about that stock at no Dylan.
a birthday party, Maybe that's a good thing?
it's already too late. Why? Because Dylan's a free spirit?
Gloria! He's too edgy for you?
Gloria, sit down for a second. He plays by his own rules?
I'm fine, Jay. Oh, my God.
Please? What?
Look... I beg of you to turn around
You may not be in pain... and experience with me the greatest moment
Okay. of my life.
But I'm in pain just thinking you're in Your rebel boyfriend's a Dapper Dan.
pain. Maybe that's not him.
So humor me for one minute. Dylan!
What are those? Uh, uh, sorry.
There wasn't a big selection at the Bibbidi Sorry. Um...
Bobbidi Boutique., It certainly seems like him.
Are you crazy? Oh, my God. He looked like
I cannot walk around in public with those old pictures of dad from high school.
these... So anyway, I've really been into street art
Things. They're so yellow and so ugly. lately.
And... and they're so softy Oh, there's a really great exhibit downtown.
and so comfortable. I'll take you.
Jay, what is this? Oh, on what, your razor scooter?
Thank you for going shopping for me. Mom wants you.
Thank you for worrying about my feet. I-I-I...
Thank you for giving me your jacket when Ethan! I've been looking all over for you!
I'm cold. I remember I was on Pirates of the
You're such a good man, Jay. Caribbean,
Thank you. Mmm. and this whole fight with Dede was really

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【526】-

eating at me.
And there was this angry animatronic wench
with a rolling pin, chasing some poor
pirate around.
They were on a track, running in circles,
so he could never get away from her.
And I remember thinking,
I can't save you, buddy,
but I'm getting off this ride.
...and--and we were going around a corner,
and I was screaming and I swallowed a bug.
Oh, being tail is everything that I dreamed
it would be.
What should we do next?
Sit down.
Where we gonna sit down?
The ground. Here, this is good right here.
Oh!
Are you okay, dad?
No, I'm not okay.
I hate to tell you this,
but these rides are killing me.
B-but you're the king of roller coasters.
I know!
Something happens when you get older.
Guess you can't take it.
One of my favorite things in the world
is doing stupid fun stuff with you,
like pogo stick basketball
or trying to get a swing to go all the way
around.
Next time, we should sit on a fire
extinguisher.
Yes, or a bottle of coke and some mentos.
Honestly, though, the way I'm feeling right
now,
I don't know if there's gonna be a next
time.
Dad, we can always find cool stuff to do.
Even if you're old and in a wheelchair,
I'll take you to the mall
and push you as fast as you wanna go.
Really?
You'd do that?
Heck, yeah.
And we'll pop some wheelies, too.
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That sounds fun.
And I'll take you to the top of a huge hill
and just let go.
Okay, we'll nail down the specifics later,
but that... That's really nice.
So do you still wanna talk or--
No, go. Ride Space Mountain.
Uh, at the end, when they take a picture,
do something hilarious for both of us.
You're gonna die.
When you see it, not 'cause you're old.
Lily! Lily, stop!
Dad! Dad, grab her!
Hey, I gotcha, you little monkey!
Thank you.
Hey, Cam, I got her.
We're in Fantasyland. Where are you?
Okay, it's toontown,
not toonton.
You've been watching too much PBS.
Thank you.
All right, honey, come here.
I don't like this thing.
Yeah?
Well, I don't like running like a crazy
person
through Downton Disney--
Downtown Disney.
I don't know what to do.
Well, the leash is not the answer. You want
my help?
Yes, please!
'Cause I can fix this for you in about two
minutes.
Come on, baby girl. Come with me.
We'll be right back.
Okay.
Where we going? Oh, this way?
Manny, you don't sound very happy
for a kid that is flying an elephant.
I lost to Durkas. It's not fair.
He wanted to buy IBM because he thought it
was funny to say.
Well, I'm glad that you lost.
Fake money has changed you.
Where is the Manny that used to stop to

smell the roses?
He took a bath on a solar start-up in San
Jose.
You have been so busy burying your face in
your phone
that you barely said hello to your family,
you gave Winnie the Pooh the cold shoulder,
and you haven't even noticed
that pretty girl in the blue elephant
that has been smiling at you.
Not my type, but still it's nice to be
noticed.
You see what happens
when you're not burying your head in
business?
You're right. I'll try to be more present.
What the heck's on your feet?
They're slippers! They're like pillows.
Attagirl.
You're welcome.
Look. Your dad got her baby high heels,
which we said we were never gonna let her
wear.
I love 'em.
You look gorgeous, sweetie.
Oh, my gosh. You felt people judged us
before?
Wait till they meet little Miss Anaheim.
Who cares? Look at her. She can barely move.
Thank you, dad.
You know what? She's got pretty good gams
for a 3-year-old.
Cheese!
Got it. Thanks, little John.
Thank you!
Ooh, they have corn dogs.
We gotta get one before we go back. They
are legendary.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Haley!
It's me. Dylan.
I'm in the bear suit. I borrowed it to talk
to you.
Why are you dancing like that?
This is what little John does. Maybe.
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I don't know what movie this dude is from.
I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.
Well, I'm not talking to you.
No, you can talk.
I know, but I'm mad.
You came back to town and didn't even call
me.
I was embarrassed.
I lost my job at the dude ranch,
and I wanted to get my act together first.
But the four dweebs on a bike act?
Hey, the dapper dans are a main street
tradition
since 1959.
Hey, what's going on?
Nothing.
I still love her, Ethan.
Okay, how do you know my name?
It's Dylan.
Look, I don't wanna harsh your day,
but I never stopped loving Haley and I never
will!
I-is this some sort of joke?
Do I look like I'm joking?
Dylan, let's not do this now.
It has to be now. I've got a parade at 3:00.
Hey, seriously, dude, back off.
Okay, that was my face.
And you're the one who needs to back off.
You...
Okay. This thing's kinda heavy.
I can't get up.
Ethan? Ethan, what is going on? What are
you doing?
Uh, hi, Mrs. Dunphy.
Help me up.
No.
If I could get up, I would--uhh!
Come on, Lily sweetie. Keep up, honey.
- Come on. - Phil, you don't look like
you're doing very well.
Maybe because I officially became an old
man
back there at thunder mountain.
Oh, my goodness. You are burning up.
You might have the flu.
 Modern.Family.S03E22
A bunch of guys at work had the flu, So I stuck it out until they were grown...
and we all drink orange juice out of the Jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi?
same carton. And the universe rewarded me.
We should get cups. Here we go!
Luke, did you hear that?! I have the flu! Hey, dad, roller coast fist bump.
Glad we didn't share that pickle. What was that?
Hey, everybody. Is this gonna be so awesome!
Oh, hey, hey, guys. Where's Ethan? Close your eyes. It make it more fun.
Oh, he's staying. He ran into some friends. Oh, yeah. That is more fun.
But Dylan got fired, so...
Don't freak out. We have to give him a ride
home.
And we're back together.
Hey, no one goes home till we hit the
Lincoln thing.
Yawn.
Don't even try to fight it.
Yeah, he made us go when we were kids.
Come on, people! It's a robotic president!
What's not to love?
A robotic president?
So my plan was, drive Claire and Mitchell
home,
put them to bed,
pour myself a big tumbler of scotch,
and tell Dede it was over.
But on the way out, we made one last stop.
If destruction be our lot,
we are ourselves
must be its author and finisher.
As a nation of free men,
we must live through all times...
I don't know what happened.
Maybe it's what robot Lincoln said about
a man's duty
or keeping the union together.
Maybe I just chickened out.
But I realized that staying with my kids
was more important than leaving my wife.
Now that's not the right decision for
everyone,
but it was the right decision for me.
And in that faith,
let us, to the end,
dare to do our duty
as we understand it.

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Modern.Family.S03E23
Oh Phil, honey you're still up.
Ok. How's this sound?
Mitchell, I love you very much,
not only love you but I admire you
and someday I hope to...
Are you firing him or proposing to him?
Honey, this was supposed to be a part-time
job.
He was gonna be done in the summer anyway.
- Just be direct. - I should have warned
him.
How do you tell someone
they have a reputation for being lazy?
Mitchell? Lazy?
Yeah. Yeah. He handed in a couple of
contracts late,
but I didn't want to say anything
because he's practically doing this for
free.
I can't do this!
This isn't the face of a cold-blooded
hatchet man.
Will you do it?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did we wake you up?
No, I was up.
I'm worried about tomorrow.
My art teacher acts like I don't exist,
but I have one last chance
to impress him at our year-end art fair.
A few students are doing living versions
of famous paintings.
I've chosen this one, and I'm using my own
family.
Brilliant, right?
When I told him, he said, "That's nice,
Alice."
It's been a year.
Alice? Really?
Honey, do you think you're nervous
because you've got a little crush on Mr.
Jarvis?
- No. - Are you sure?
Because I've seen the way you look at him--
Sounds like you're the one with the crush!
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Modern.Family.S03E23
Mm.
I've just never had a teacher not like me
before.
Well, Ms. Davis. Mm.
Please. She's a gym teacher.
She is to teaching what Dr. Seuss is to
medicine.,
And to think she didn't like you.
You? What's your problem?
Nothing. I'm just excited for tomorrow.
I'm getting a medal at school
because I put out a fire.
Maybe that's what I should be when I grow
up...
A professional medal-getter.
Luke, what happened?
I don't know.
I was just walking by and I smelled flames.
I was there.
I don't like this.
We're not supposed to be in here.
Just keep a lookout!
We're ten seconds away from creating
Luketonium.
- Oh, crap! - Look what you did!
Luke, what happened?
I don't know.
I was just walking by and I smelled flames.
Okay, guys, you're gonna be dragging
tomorrow
if you don't go to bed right now. Let's go.
Go.
Fine. Come on, Alice.
I'll be up in a minute.
"Mitchell,
I can't tell you how hard...
How hard this..."
No, that's-- no, it's not personal enough.
Okay, okay.
"I can't tell you how hurt and angry this
makes me,
but you've been late too many times.
I'll need your keys."
Daddy, no! I'm so sorry!
Honey, I didn't hear you come downstairs.
You couldn't sleep, either?

Uh, yeah.
No, there's just, like, a lot on my mind
with graduation,
and what to wear. How does this look?
Wait a second. You're carrying your shoes.
How am I supposed to judge the whole outfit?
Put 'em on.
So make sure you give this menu here
a good, thorough reading.
- Soup. - You didn't even look at it.
- Soup. - Check out what's below the soup--
Sandwiches.
Have you check out what is below this
outfit?
This doesn't come from sandwiches.
Look!
"The Jay Pritchett"?
I don't understand.
They named you after a sandwich?
No! They named a sandwich after me!
"Turkey, bacon, swiss cheese,
red peppers, anchovies on wheat"?
Most people would stop after the salty
bacon,
But I double down with the anchovies.
Were you making a sandwich or attracting
deer?
Is this bum bothering you, miss?
Oh, I should get a picture of this--
An actual waitress sighting in this dump.
I took a chance and put in an order for your
sandwich,
although most people like their Jay
Pritchetts to go.
What's happening?
Gloria, it's Maxine.
So you're married to Jay.
Where'd you tie up your seeing eye dog?
No, no, I'm not, um...
Okay, I get it. I get it.
Here's that number for that neck doctor I
want you to see.
- Thanks. - What's wrong with your neck?
For 30 years, I've been hearing it's a
handball injury.
But it always seems to get worse with
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-【531】-
Modern.Family.S03E23
stress.
Maybe it's that audit he's got coming up.
- Audit? - It's nothing.
Oh, isn't that cute? He doesn't want you
to worry.
Here's your sandwich.
Now you should worry.
Look at it-- my prettiest child.
Why didn't you tell me about your neck?
It's fine. Take a bite.
- Your company's getting audited? -
Nothing!
Three bad days, then it's over.
Come on! I'm--I'm anxious to hear what you
think.
I see it growing on ya.
It's like Maxine when she first tried it.
- You know, she-- - I don't like it.
You probably didn't get all--
Jay, I try it. I don't like it.
That's all you can say?
It tastes bad in my mouth.
It's like a fish and a turkey
beat themselves to death with a pepper.
Okay, fair enough. Maybe a little picky,
though,
from someone who prepared a colombian
specialty
and said, "Why are you not eating the
hooves?
They're the best part."
I'm back!
Oh, hey, uncle Cam.
Oh, thanks again for picking me up last
night.
You're welcome, but you have to be more
careful.
I was the responsible one.
Lisa was drinking, and I took her keys,
- and then e-- - I understand.
My senior year, I had a pretty crazy night
myself
involving a bottle of corn mash and an
overturned plow.
- Seriously? - Yeah. You don't know terror
until you've had to

stare down the eyes of a Missouri State
trooper
and talk your way out of a P.U.I.
Honey, you don't drink coffee.
I do when I've been up half the night
worrying about a project that's only
one-third done,
and I still have an apron to sew, scenery
to paint,
plus my normal crushing workload. So...
Unless you have a better way for me to
stimula--
Oh, god.
God, coffee's bitter.
That was your first sip?
Okay, I got the chafing dish,
salt and pepper shakers-- perfect matches,
both.
I may have to readjust my grapes.
Oh. Ow. I'll just give you a little privacy.
Welcome back to the light show. Hi.
Hi, lily.
Hi, daddy.
Lily...
Sweetheart, no.
No, no, no, no. We're-- we're not gonna do
that today.
Actually-- actually, Claire,
We're--we're trying not to use the word
"No" So much.
We just read a book that said
children learn to rebel against that word.
So we redirect her into a new activity
instead.
Oh. Here--well, just watch this.
Lily, sweetie, hi. It's daddy here.
Would you like to listen to some music?
Okay. There you go.
See?
Every new generation thinks
they have cracked the code on child
rearing.
What's the latest theory? Never say "No."
I say "No" Every day in this house.
But at night, she's a "Yes" Machine.
No.
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Oh, it doesn't seem that she is redirecting
her own energy
as much as using a lot of ours.
But do you see how she's slowly
transitioning
from the lights to the music?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
It's hard to believe there was ever a time
when we just said, "Stop doing that."
Oh. The garbage disposal.
Lily, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Now let's redirect you into a nap, huh?
Actually, we're doing this new thing
where we let her tell us when she wants to
take a nap.
It's called "Being your own nap captain."
Come on, sweetie.
Phil.
Did you ring the doorbell?
Oh, no, 'cause I have these two coffees.
One is for you.
Thank you.
Here's my life-- a full-time job,
a 3-year-old, and a second one on the way.
and as a favor,
I agreed to do a little work for Phil's
agency.
The problem is, I'm very good,
and the more I do, the more they want me.
I-I even turned in a few assignments late
so that they'd fall out of love with me a
little bit.
Right.
How--how long have you been standing here?
Are--are you-- are you all right?
Oh, yeah.
'cause you're-- you're really blinking.
I'm a stress blinker,
and what really gets me going is
confrontation.
I hate it. I-I avoid it at all costs.
Terrible at it.
Once, I, uh, I tried to break up with a girl,
and I danced around it so much,
she didn't know I had broken up with her.
20 years later, we're still married.

I am... Really... Sorry...
about the cold coffee.
It's not that cold. It's lukewarm, so...
- Okay, so-- - Funny story about that
expression--
when the kids were younger, um, we had a,
uh,
a wading pool...
and occasionally, Luke would have an
accident,
and, um, Alex would scream,
and we'd say, um, "It's okay, honey,
he's just making it lukewarm."
- Wow, so-- - So I gotta get going,
- but I-I'll see-- - Okay, wait!
I'm just gonna come straight out and say
it.
Mitchell, you've done a wonderful job for
the agency
Since you decided you'd help us out for just
a little bit.
And we couldn't ask for more, could we?
I wish it didn't have to end.
In fact, if it was up to me, you'd stay on
forever...
- Phil, Phil... - But it is not just up to
me, is it?
- So... - I... Phil, I saw this coming,
And--and look...
I bailed. I made an excuse and left.
But I-I-I've gotta be straight with him.
"Phil, I cannot stay on with your firm
forever."
Oh! God, it's gonna crush him.
Maybe I can get Claire to do it.
Well, that was easy!
We're really proud of you, buddy.
See you at the ceremony.
- You're not a hero. -I put out a fire.
A fire you started.
- Was there a fire? - Yes.
- Did I put it out? - That's not--
Answer the question.
Yes.
I'm getting an award for it.
If they gave awards for starting fires,
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Modern.Family.S03E23
I'd be getting one of those, too.
I know you have a conscience, Luke.
Do you see this flag? It stands for justice.
So when that fire marshall gets here,
I know you're going to look at that flag
and do the right thing.
You were very quiet all the way home.
Are you upset at me because I honked at that
old lady?
Normally, we leave the honking to the
driver,
but I'm used to it.
Is it because of the sandwich?
Ah, you maybe could have eaten half of it...
said a couple of nice things.
It's just a sandwich, Jay.
It's not about the delicious sandwich,
Gloria.
It's about being respectful of a person's
feelings.
But I was just being honest.
You don't have to be honest
about every little thing in a relationship.
Some things you say, some things you don't.
What are the things that you don't say?
Gloria, I really don't wanna do this
anymore.
Oh, really?
But you cannot just try to teach me a
lesson,
- and then not even.. - Okay, fine.
I don't say this,
But it... Bothers me a little bit
That you're just a tiny bit... loud.
- Loud? - Not all the time.
Only when you, you know, when you talk.
So I embarrass you?
- Gloria... - What?
Am I being too loud again?
All right. Buckle up.
Oh, I'm gonna go and try to do the laundry,
and I'm gonna do it very quietly
so I don't bother you. Maybe Manny can help
me.
Manny!
- I get it. - Manny!

I get it.
Now you're not even making any noise.
Okay, this is way too many grapes,
and this spoon is modern day,
so if we use it, everyone at the table has
to react in shock
at the spoon from the future.
Okay. And that went down the drain.
And you need a nap.
You need a nap.
I got it. Ooh, I lost it. Shoot.
Let me know if I can eliminate any
distractions for you.
Oh, I got it. No, I got a finger on it. There
it is.
Oh, lost it again.
Maybe you should just wait until it comes
to you.
You know, make it the captain of its own
spoon platoon.
I understand the point you're making,
Claire, but...
Oh! Now I'm stuck.
Yeah, Cam, you are stuck.
You are stuck on a philosophy that clearly
doesn't work.
Sometimes, you need to say "No" to a child.
Yeah, and sometimes you need to say "No"
to an adult.
No, Claire. No, I don't need help raising
my child.
Oh. Okay.
Sorry.
Guess I-I do have a lot to learn.
Right now, I-I'm looking forward to
learning
if you will get your arm out of there
before Lily gets to the garbage disposal
switch.
Um... Lily, sweetie!
C-can you do something, please, Claire?
I would like to. Really, I would,
But I would probably just say "No"
and shred her confidence and mangle her
self-esteem.
Okay, fine! I'm sorry! Just--here,
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Modern.Family.S03E23
- Stop her! Stop her! Sweetie! - What to
do with you?
Claire! Okay!
Ohh! Yes!
- You think that's funny, don't ya? - Oh,
sure.
Yes. Well, it's wicked, Claire. It's
wicked.
Come on. We're leaving, lily!
Lily!
It's living art.
We stay perfectly still for 90 seconds,
basically doing nothing.
Sounds like my first wife.
I don't know. She always moved for me.
As long as you both agree it was only 90
seconds.
Two nerds with one stone!
I love working in an office.
Is that your brother-in-law? I thought you
fired him.
I did, before work.
Then what's he doing here?
Is he disgruntled? He looks disgruntled.
No, he always looks like that.
Hey. How's it going?
Hey, hey. Listen--
Okay, I know this is uncomfortable...
but we really need to talk about my future
here.
But I-I-I thought we--
No, I know. I know I led you to believe
that I'd be able to stay on here
indefinitely,
And--and... O-okay,
Don't get all blinky. Oh.
- No, it's not all bad news, okay? - Okay.
You will have me until July, like we agreed.
- Okay, great. - Yes.
Hey, could you jump on the elevator with
me real quick?
- Yes. - Yes. I could use a hand carrying
up some stuff from my car.
Oh! My goodness. I probably need some empty
boxes, don't I?
You know what? You head down,

I'll meet you at the glass doors.
There was something else. What was it?
I know it's in there. Oh, yeah, you're
fired.
What? F-fired?!
W-what's going on with these things?
You trying to open 'em?
I guess I better... get somebody.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait--
You're firing me?
I-I don't even like this job.
That can't be safe.
- Is someone trapped in there? - The guy
they fired.
Oh, the lazy guy?
Lazy?!
You handed in a couple of things late.
I should have warned you.
I'm terrible at breaking bad news.
Well, then why did you come over to my house
and tell me how great I was?
That was me trying to fire you!
I haven't felt like this since I tried to
break up with Claire 20 years ago.
Someone's stuck again?
That lawyer with the attitude they just
fired.
They said it was your attitude,
like you were doing us a favor.
I was doing you a favor!
- Why didn't he get the service like
everyone else? - Lazy
Don't worry. He can't get you.
Two hours I was stuck in there
with the entire office of people staring
at me,
I-I finally had to lie down.
doesn't help my reputation
Figures.
You guys nailed it.
Dude, that was surreal.
Dad, come on!
We have a minute to set up!
Where are Mitchell and Cam?
Hey, Manny. Thanks for what you said before
about the flag.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【535】-
Modern.Family.S03E23
It really got me thinking.
I knew you had a conscience, Luke.
And more importantly, you've got a good...
You didn't.
Yep. And thanks to you,
I had them move the ceremony to right under
the flag.
I'll sign a picture for you.
Oh, there you are. I was afraid you weren't
coming.
It was a discussion.
If we weren't gonna show up,
we would have clearly let you know,
and not humiliated you in public.
If it's any consolation,
the lawyer we hired to replace you
is already suing the elevator company.
You're sitting on my hand.
Be thankful you have two.
I almost lost one today.
Oh, stop being such a baby.
She was nowhere near that switch.
shh! Keep your voices down.We're about to
go on.
Why you looking at me?
Am I too loud? Is that what everybody
thinks?
- What? - There's a backstory here
you don't wanna know about.
- I want turkey. - Save your appetite, baby
girl.
And don't forget, afterwards,
we're going to Lenny's for a bite to eat--
more than a bite if you value my feelings.
Oh! Great, we get to see Maxine.
What? You know Maxine, too?
- Oh, we all know Maxine. - Love.
Second-best hugger in the world,
after Mr. Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.,
All right, guys, this will all be over in
90 seconds.
- Hold your poses. - Okay.
I really wanna impress Mr. Gorgeous.
Jarvis! Shut up.
Hey, Mitch, I know this isn't a good time,
I-I just want you to know,

- I'm really-- - I know, Phil.You're really
sorry, okay?
But this is gonna take me a little time to
get over, all right?
Actually, I was gonna say I'm really gonna
need your parking pass.
What?!
Our next stage presentation will be Alex
Dunphy's interpretation
of Norman Rockwell's 1943 painting,
"Freedom from want"
How do you sleep at night, Luke?
With a medal around my neck.
- I want turkey. - Lily, no!
She doesn't understand that word.
Cram it, Claire.
Control your child, Cam.
It's not that difficult. I've raised three.
- Really? - Cam!
Why don't you ask Haley what time she got
home last night?
Uncle Cam!
Sorry, dear. Collateral damage.
What is he talking about?
Your arms are shaking.
Oh, yeah,
I'm sure that the great Maxine can do a
better job!
You can criticize my parenting all you like,
Cam,
but my son just won a medal.
For a fire he started.
Luke, is that true?
How long? It's getting heavy!
You're not getting that parking pass back.
I tried to let you down easy.
You don't know how to talk to people, Phil.
It's just like when Claire didn't even know
you dumped her.
- What? - When did dad dump you?
I didn't dump her! I just tried to!
I am losing it!
Just a few more seconds!
I want turkey.
Lily, no!
We really are trying to not say that word.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【536】-
Modern.Family.S03E23
But there was a silver lining.
"I expected more, Alex."
Alex!
I am gonna call Haley and tell her
we're not going to that deli.
I can't take another minute of Cam.
You know, I'm not even sure
I believe all these new parenting theories,
but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let her tell
me they're wrong.
We are not going to dinner.
I tried that sandwich.
It's not that good. You're not missing
anything.
I sure won't miss seeing Luke and that
stupid medal.
I play by the rules. Where's my medal?
Jay can stay with that Maxine.
She's not loud like me.
In fairness, you can be a little quick to
give advice.
Well, I'm always ready to help,
if that's what you mean, yeah.
Yeah, but if you're not careful, it can come
off a little...
Know-it-all-y.
That's not a word.
What you mean to say is,
it can come off like I know it all.
I've always been this way.
That's why I wanted to break up with you.
The word "Fired" doesn't even apply.
You can't get fired from a favor.
Okay, sweetie, maybe you should just let
it go.
Like I always say, it's better to carry a
tune than a grudge.
Okay, you... you've never said that, but...
And--and what about this grudge you're
holding against Claire?
I don't see you trading that in for a tune.
That is completely different.
She insulted my parenting skills.
Which, you have to admit, you can be pretty
defensive about.
Okay, so maybe we both can be a little

sensitive.
N-no. No.
No. These--these are-- these are not equal.
No, you have no idea what it feels like to
be fired.
Yes, I do. I've been fired. Everyone has.
Not me.
- Never? - No.
Nope, I've always been very good at what
I do.
So then maybe what you're feeling
is a little insecure about your work for
the first time.
That's hogwash.
As someone who's seen actual hogwash,
I can assure you that it's not.
I don't know why you're so bothered by
Maxine.
She's nice.
Oh, good! Why don't you, Jay, and Maxine
live together, eating sandwiches forever?!
Can I float a theory here, mom?
You sound like you're jealous.
Please!
Me jealous of that woman?
I just don't like the way they talk to each
other!
And the little jokes,
and she knows everything about his life!
Just makes me feel like, em...
Is that jealous?
Ay, my poor sisters.
Just you? I thought the whole family was
swinging by.
Who knows what they're doing?
Right now, they're all sniping at each
other.
Ah, who needs 'em?
Right. As long as I have you, Maxine...
I'm off in five.
Hey, Luke!
What's with all the hardware?
Well, he set fire to a school and lied about
it.
You know they give medals for anything
these days.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【537】-
Modern.Family.S03E23
It's going back tomorrow.
He doesn't get a lot of medals.
I just really need one of these.
Don't hold back. Oh!
My girls. There they are. Hi.
Hello, hello. Hi, all.
Hey, Cam. Hey!
Come on in!
I, uh, I appreciate your coming.
And, again, I really, really--Thank you.
- There she is. - Well, look who made it.
Hola, Maxine. So nice to see you.
Let me get you some menus.
We don't need it.
It's Jay Pritchetts all around!
Gloria, if you want your sandwich without
anchovies,
I won't be offended.
Of course, then it'll be a Jack Feldman.,
- Hey, man. - Is the repair guy here?
He's working on it.
Um, listen, uh,
It's Katie's birthday, Skip's assistant.
Big 3-0. Still no ring.
You woke me up to tell me that?
No, no. I-I grabbed you some cake.
Oh, sure it's not for employees only?
Okay. Had that coming.
Who are you talking to, Phil?
- Mitchell. - Who?
Mitchell, my br-- uh, the lazy guy.
I was doing you a favor.
All right, just give me the cake. I'm
hungry.
No!

Modern.Family.S03E24
One, two, three, four.
And skip, two, three, four.
And turn, two, three, four.
I don't like this part.
Well, honey, if you spot the wall,
then you won't get dizzy. Here, watch daddy,
okay?
How cool would it be
if you turned into Wonder Woman right now?
Can't even talk about it.
Oh, it's the adoption agency.
Oh, my gosh. It is?! It is?! It is?!
Cam, you need to stop doing that.
Last time, they were just calling To
confirm our billing address.
Hello?
- Uh-huh. - "Uh-huh" What?
Yep.
- Really? - "Really" What?
That--that mother from Calexico, she
picked us.,
She did?
She--she went into early labor. She's
having the baby today.
She is?!
We have to go to Calexico right now.
- We do?! - Just assume everything I say
is the truth.
Okay, yeah.
Okay. Oh, okay, yes.
Well , thank you so much. Okay, bye.
Um... we're getting a baby today.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! We're...
Wait, wait, wait. What do we do about Lily's
recital?
Um... well, you know what? We'll--we'll
just sit her down.
We'll--we'll tell her. We'll-- we'll give
her a popsicle.
She'll be fine.
We have to do this.
Okay, okay. Yeah, you're right
Um, all right, I'm gonna go dig up the old
car seat.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【538】-
Modern.Family.S03E24
And listen, let's just...
take a deep breath before we tell anyone,
okay?
Yeah.
Jay! Manny! Good news!
Mitch and Cam are getting a new baby today!
Really? That's fantastic.
And it's Latino!
How's that giant fence working out for ya?,
It's Claire.
Hello?
Did you hear?
Hey, Claire.
You are driving to some California border
town
to adopt a baby, and I have to hear about
it from Gloria?
I was outside for two minutes.
I kept it in as long as I could.
We're having a baby!
- What the heck is that? - What?!
We're back.
We got Alex the cutest prom dress.
Show your dad.
Well, I don't like how far down that zipper
goes,
but on the plus side, it looks
water-resistant.
I can't believe Haley's not going
to the prom and Alex is.
What's that supposed to mean?
I know I keep saying it, Haley, but you
should be going.
It's a major moment in a teenager's life,
And you're missing it.
Proms are lame.
It's just an excuse for dressed up dorks
to ride in limos and hump each other.
Okay. Now I don't like the idea of Alex
going.
Sweetie, I think we're fine. It's--it's
Alex.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're a geek.
You know what? You know what?
I might just go crazy tonight

And--and--and hook up all over him.
Okay.
Why are you laughing? That's not funny.
I'm not even gonna wear my glasses!
I feel better now.
All right, I'm going to the mall.
Um, we need to talk, honey.
We're worried about you.
You haven't heard back from the college
that wait-listed you,
and all the rest of your friends have.
And now you're just wasting time at the
mall.
For your information,
I've already filled out and dropped off
my community college application.
And plus also
I'm going to the mall because I have a job
interview.
- What? - Really?
My guidance counselor suggested I take a
gap year.
You know, a year between high school and
college
where you take some courses, have some life
experiences,
and get inspired.
And obviously, work at the GAP.
The first step in plane building--
Organize the parts.
You got your power plant. You got your
fuselage.
You got your control surfaces.
What's that?
A charcuterie.
You got your prosciutto, your pancetta,
your salami.
That's charcuterie?
I've been avoiding that on menus for years.
They're killing themselves with that name.
They're here! They're here!
Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you.
Thank you.
- Of course. - Okay, so her recital's at
6:00.
- Okay. - That's the address. Here's her
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【539】-
Modern.Family.S03E24
outfit.
This is our camcorder.
Get the whole show and some backstage
color.
Guys, you wanna take our charcuterie for
the road?
Bup, bup, bup, bup. They're good. We may
need that.
Hello?
Yeah, um...
H-hold on one second.
I think it's the baby's family. They're
speaking Spanish. I--
HOLA, SOY CAMERON. OMO ESTA?
Uh, b--excuse me. Could you s--
Could you slow down just a little bit?
What does frenetico mean?
- It's when... - Or just let her do it.
- Yeah. There you go. Okay. - Hello?
Si, si.
I was doing fine.
He thinks he's some sort of an expert
because for the past two weeks, he's been
watching
this ridiculous Spanish soap opera.
"Fire and ice"?,
Don't say a word about the ending of last
night's episode.
G-gloria watches that. You'll ruin it.
Si. Muchisimas gracias.
It was the mother's sister Juanita.
She said that she doesn't know the exact
hospital yet,
but that she will call you, like, in the
next hour.
Oh, thank you, Gloria. I-I hate to ask this
of you,
but would you mind coming with us?
We need someone who actually knows how to
speak Spanish.
Frio. Muy frio.
Ay, yes, of course! I would love to! Thank
you! Thank you!
I'm gonna grab my stuff, and we go, okay?
All right, sweetheart. All right, come
here.
 Modern.Family.S03E24
Daddies gotta go, okay? Watch me dance.
Okay, we're so sorry we're missing your Honey, you don't need to practice anymore.
recital, sweetie. The turning, the jumping, the little bird
But you know what? thing--
You're getting a brand-new baby brother! You've got it.
Cam, come on. Come on. What's this?
Okay. All right, breathe, breathe, Sweetie, please don't play with the pieces.
breathe. I've told you, they're very delicate.
Ciao, Jay! Ciao, Manny! I see you later, What are you building?
okay? It's a model of a plane that was built for
What just happened here? amelia earhart.,
I have to go to the bathroom. Why?
- She's talking to you. - You wanna take Because she wanted to fly around the world.
that? Why?
Always keep the rhythm in your feet. Because she probably needed to get away
Then we're gonna add just a little party from her kids.
in the shoulders. All right? - Why? - You know how to stop this?
Now let's get those arms going. I'm on it.
No, no, no. Arms down here says, Lily, we really need you to let us
"I'm white and I'm sorry," concentrate
But arms up here says, for a few minutes, okay?
"You don't know what I am." Your hair is weird.
I-I don't. Um, now I'm flustered.
You're never gonna believe it! Oh, you look adorable!
You're never gonna believe it! "Adorable"? I'm not a puppy.
You're never gonna believe it! Oh, honey, it was meant as a compliment.
Guess who got a job! I did! Claire, I got this. Honey, you look super
Oh, shoot. I just told you. sexy.
- Oh! Honey, congratulations! - That's Ew.
amazing! Well, we tried everything.
You got a job! Oh, good-bye!
And what is all this? Wait! Wait, wait!
I stopped by the grocery store to get some We wanna meet this casanova.
stuff for dinner. Oh, no, parents aren't really his scene.
You know where the grocery store is? Alex, open the door. We are going to get
Yes, mother. a picture.
I'm celebrating by making dinner for me and Fine.
Dylan tonight. You... look... flawless.
Would you and dad like to join us? Thanks.
- What's happening? - I don't know. Did I not say coral was the color for you?
Tonight at dinner, Look what it does for your skin.
I'm telling my parents the biggest news of - Hi! - Hi, buddy.
all. Hi.
After graduation, I'm moving in with Yes, my bad boy prom date is gay.
someone. He just doesn't know it yet,
And his name is me. so I'm basically his beard.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【540】-

Pre-beard.
His stubble.
Okay, say "Cheese"!
Cheese.
Okay, now one with flash.
- Cheese. - Cheese!
Okay, I think you got the picture.
Well, you guys have fun.
Do you want me to touch up your hair, honey?
Oh, no, I'm good.
Ay, please stop driving the car like a
snake.
It's making me nauseating.
Well, uh, if you want to switch places,
there's plenty of room to stretch out back
here.
Yeah, that's why we traded our old Prius
in for the new one.
You know, bigger family, bigger backseat.
You can fit two car seats
and a prize-winning pig back there.
Please don't put a pig in the backseat with
our children.
I'm not being literal.
It's a unit of measurement we used on the
farm.
You know, like, "That bed's a What kind of day is this?
double-pigger."
Oh, uh, sorry. Maybe think about something
else.
You know, I missed "Fire and Ice" on Monday.
What happened?
My guess is a bunch of ridiculous plot turns
done by overwrought actors who are
impossibly good-looking.
- Don't listen to him. - Nothing, really.
Antonio hired a hooker to marry his father
so that he can get back the money,
but the hooker ended up being his long lost
sister,
the former beauty queen.
Oh. Well, I stand uncorrected.
Ay, please just drive straighter.,
Oh, sorry. Are my pinkies up again?
I--they do that when I get excited.
Down, girls!
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【541】-
Modern.Family.S03E24
Well, Alex should be hitting the dance
floor right about now.
Must be fun.
Really, dad, let it go.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm just sad you're missing it.
I can still totally picture my prom night.
My date was Angela Wilkins.
My dad dressed as a limo driver and spoke
with a British accent.
He even announced our arrival.
"Sir Philliam Dunphy and the Lady Wilkins!"
All the cool kids were totally laughing
with us.
Oh, I'm just so glad we met after that.
- Me, too. - Yeah.
Wonder what ever happened to Angela?
You don't know?
I haven't seen her in over 20 years,
but that's what's special about prom.
No matter what...
the Lady Wilkins and I will always have that
night.
Oh, no, no, no! We got this.
We'll clean.
You're cleaning up?
Cam and Mitch get a new son,
we get a new daughter.
That was really fun, you guys.
Yeah, and next time, we'll just do it at
our place.
I'm in. Just give me a heads-up.
"Our place"? What? What?
Um, well,
Since I have a job now
and I'm going to community college,
uh, Dylan and I were thinking that, you
know,
we would get an apartment together.
- What? - Are you doing sex?
- Okay. - Luke, can we have a minute,
please?
Listen...
I know that you're concerned,
but I'm designing t-shirts now, and they're

gonna be huge.,
Also medium and small.
Dylan, would you excuse us for a moment so
we can talk to Haley?
Sure, but you stay. I'll go.
Hi. Uh, uh, buenos noches.
Uh, uh, we're looking for... uh, English?
Uh, well, Juanita. We're looking for
juanita.
- Hola! - Hi.
Mitchell y Cameron?
Ah, she says, "Hello, Mitch and Cameron."
I think we got that.
Ay, you brought me here.
Thank you...
Did you get that, too?
Yeah, a lot of it. Mm-hmm.
Just... just tell us.
The baby was born half-hour ago, that he's
in perfect health.
He was 7 pounds, 4 ounces, with thick hair
and brown eyes.
That's so good!
Juanita!
Gloria, what's going on?
I don't know. The priest comes with great
warning.
That can't be good.
Shh! Something about the grandmother.
She's sick.
But now she's better.
- And now she knows! - Knows what?
What was that for?!
The nurse stole her grandmother's almonds.
No, the nurse is mad at Juanita
because Juanita stole her lover,
and Juanita is mad at the nurse
because the nurse told the grandmother
about the baby!
- Our baby? - Our baby?
We're both thinking it. I'm just gonna say
it.
Lily's dance is not up to the standard of
what we just saw.
In my head, I'm golfing right now.
Hi, Mr. Pritchett? I'm Lily's dance teacher
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【542】-
Modern.Family.S03E24
Lucy.
We have a little bit of an issue.
Lily doesn't want to perform.
Oh, the poor thing.
- You get the kid, I'll get the car. - Oh,
no.
It's really important for Lily's
self-esteem that she go on.
I think one of you should talk to her.
You know she stinks, right?
And I think it should be you.
Lily.
Your teacher tells me you don't want to
dance. Is that true?
But you were so good back at the house when
you were practicing.
I wanna go home, to my house.
Ah, to your house, huh?
Are you sad your dads aren't here?
Yeah. Well, I know they're sad to miss this,
But they're getting you that baby brother.
That's good, right?
You know, honey,
Your dads are gonna love you just as much
when you get this brother. Trust me.
I first had your Aunt Claire, and then your
dad came along,
and I loved them just the same,
no matter what he tells you.
You believe me?
Close enough.
So what do you say?
You gonna go out there and dance for
everybody?
No.
Honey, there must be something I can do to
get you out there.
Come dance with me, grandpa.
No, honey, that's not gonna happen.
How about I give you 50 bucks?
I don't see why I can't do this.
I'm totally getting my life together.
Uh, allow me, if you will,
to paint an accurate picture of this life
you think you want, okay?
Um, at first, it's a blast--
 Modern.Family.S03E24
buying a dish rack, baby,
hanging a sheet up to turn one room into and she wasn't supposed to know.
two. If you ask me, it was the sexy priest.
Allen-wrenching a bookcase called a Enough!
nurnk... It wasn't the priest.
because you couldn't afford the sklurg. It was me.
But then... Eduardo!
Then those bills start rolling in... What's happening?
Oh. So you gotta pick up some extra shifts. Yes, I am alive.
Yeah. And suddenly... And I may be just a ranch hand,
Uh-oh, what's that? You're pregnant. but I'm the one that told your abuela about
Should've been safe. the baby.
Ooh, and you're stressed and exhausted. I told her because I swore to your mother
You've got a garage filled with unsold huge to look after your family.
t-shirts. Your mother...
And, honey, if you think this kind of stress was my lover.
is not gonna take its toll on that body and Ay, wait a minute. Now I go from English
that face, to Spanish.
think again. C-can we please just see our baby?
Good-bye, beautiful skin. No!
Farewell, silky hair. - Abuela? - Abuela?
And hello, Alex's hand-me-downs, She's saying that she's going to raise the
'cause you can't afford to shop. baby.
Good one. No.
Do you think that this is gonna work out? Cam.
Yes. Come here. Come on.
Well, for my parents, I mean. Guess what? Suddenly, you're 60 years old,
For you? wandering toothless and alone in a
No. postapocalyptic wasteland.
God. Wait a second. How did Dylan get the nuclear
I just wanna live with Haley so bad. codes again?
It's like, I missed all this time with her During the robot wars.
in Wyoming. Okay, I think your father might have gotten
Then I thought I was gonna lose her again a little bit off-track here.
to college. Honey, listen, the point is,
Don't worry. I got your back, buddy. That's The choices you make today--
not gonna happen. No, no, the point is,
What does that mean? is that it doesn't have to turn out so bad.
Dylan, shut the door. She's right.
The bedroom door. It doesn't. Luke?
Excuse me. Excuse me. This came yesterday.
Okay. What is it?
We're very confused. It's from that college.
Can somebody please just tell us what's You got in, Haley.
happening? - Oh, D-- - Oh, my god.
Somebody told the grandmother about the - You got into college? - What?!

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【543】-

That's amazing!
It came yest-- yesterday?
Luke, why were you hiding this?
I don't know.
Do you not want her to go to college?
I don't care.
Aw! You're gonna miss me!
Shut up! I am not! I'm never telling you
anything again.
Sorry, little dude, but she's gotta go to
college,
Even if that means that she can't live with
me.
Oh, Dylan.
Could you do one thing for me, though?
Could you take me to your prom?
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, if you go off to college and you
don't come back here,
I want you to remember me.
I wanna be your Angela Wilkins.
- Mom? - Yes.
Can I borrow that purple dress I said you
were too old for?
Mm, in spite of that, yeah. Yeah.
Mr. D.
Do you have a tuxedo I could borrow?
Yeah, sure. I mean, it's the tux I got
married in,
So it's double-breasted.
Perfect. So am I.
Okay.
I'm going to get something for my stomach.
Oh, come on, swipe.
Swipe!
M-mitchell, I need your help.
It won't swipe, and I'm in no condition to
"See cashier."
Mitchell.
Mitchell.
Mitchell?
Mitch--Mitchell! Where are you going?!
I'm just sick of it, Cam.
Mitchell, come back here and talk to me.
There are coyotes out here and--and meth
addicts!
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【544】-
Modern.Family.S03E24
Every time, Cam.
Every time someone says that we're getting
a-a baby,
I get my hopes up and then...
And then when it all falls apart, I...
We just have to go through the whole thing
again.
And then meanwhile, the child that we do
have
is--is at a recital, and--and we're missing
it.
I know.
I'm as frustrated as you are.
Are you? Because I-I don't--
I don't know how much more of this I can
take.
I am--I am so tired
and--and just disappointed.
And... I'm just tired.
Then let's take a break.
Really?
It must be exhausting, always keeping it
together for the both of us.
And I'm tired, too.
I think I'm lying on a rock.
I'm lying next to my rock.
There's certain moments in life that you
never forget,
Like when I held Manny in my arms for the
very first time.
I was nervous. I didn't know what I was
doing.
What do you think?
- You guys look amazing. - Oh, our little
girl!
And I was excited to see him grow up.
- Bye, sweetie. - Have fun, man.
She's asleep.
I tell you, kid, I'm too old for this.
You and me both.
And the more he becomes the little man I
know today,
the more I know I would do it all over
again...
Which is good, because I'm going to do it
all over again.
 Modern.Family.S03E24
Turns out that I wasn't carsick.
I'm pregnant.
Okay, Luke,
- Let's see what else you've been hiding
from us. - Okay, fine.
Here's a bill for the birdhouse I blew up
at the dude ranch.
You blew up a birdhouse?
Let's hold all questions until the end.
Here's dad's jury duty thing
for the day we went to disneyland.
I didn't want you to cancel the trip.
Good call.
Here's a coupon for a gun range for mom.
I don't know what that's about.
I don't know either. It's...
Report card.
Report card.
Notice from the city to take down the tree
house
or be fined $25 a day...
Report card.
Red light ticket for when me and Manny stole
that...

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-【545】-

Modern.Family.S04E01
Good morning!
There's the birthday boy!
65 candles on one cake.
This is a big day for you...
and for the astronauts who can see it from
space.
Happy birthday to you.
Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I
want a quiet day.
No surprises.
No surprises.
Last night, I found out that I am pregnant,
so Jay's gonna get one big surprise.
Okay, two
if you count the barbecue apron with the
bikini body on it.
I don't blame you, Jay.
You'd had enough excitement in one
lifetime--
The dawn of flight, printed books,
agriculture.
All right, what's with all the jokes?
It's insult comedy.
I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts
online.
Like this guy knows from the internet.
The other morning,
I saw him looking for the crank on the front
of his car.,
- Okay, you're done. - I make fun, and we
laugh.
But in all seriousness,
if you see a light today, don't walk towards
it.
I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home.
Cam and Mitch must be disappointed.
They were really geared up to get that kid.
But there's a silver lining.
You might be right. Babies are a lot of
work.
No, that's not what I mean.
- I'm-- - Ah, you know, and these two aren't
getting any younger.
The last thing they need is to start over.
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-【546】-
Modern.Family.S04E01
Would that be so bad?
Hey, Jay.
What are you doing?
- What the heck is that? - What?
Get him!
Jay has been very explicit
about what he wants to do for his 65th
birthday,
but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines.
What the hell is going on?! What are you
doing?!
Making your birthday dreams comes true.
It's your special day, buddy.
Should we put him in the trunk？
Why would we put him in the trunk?
You said there were no bad ideas.
Get this stupid thing off me!
I thought you said the hood would calm him
down.
It works with my falcon.
Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back
in time for dinner.
Which for him is at 4:00 in the afternoon.
'Cause he's old! I love it!
This is really good coffee.
It really is.
Ahh. Is it a medium roast or...
Uh, dark.
Oh. I was gonna say dark. I don't know why
I said medium.
Well, you would've been right.
Is it whole milk or...
Okay. This is ridiculous.
We need to talk about the elephant in the
room.
The giant stuffed elephant
was a gift from our good friend Pepper.
Gay guys having kids is-- it's relatively
new,
so our community has not yet learned
how to modulate baby gifts.
When Steven and Stefan had little Rocco,
our friend Longinus sent over
the whole cast of "Yo gabba gabba".
Now Rocco cries whenever he sees bright
colors.

I'm not allowed over there.
I guess we should donate it somewhere,
along with the 800-pound gorilla.
I mean, you know, now that we're not getting
a baby.
A decision, by the way,
which seems even better in the light of day.
Mm. No, I totally agree.
- So we're good? - No, we're great.
- We couldn't have handled this any better.
- No.
Where's my new baby brother?
Okay. Uh, slight oversight.
Can I see him? Can we name him Larry?
Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat with us.
Um, listen.
There's something we need to tell you.
Is it about Larry?
Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of.
Um, it--it turns out that... We're not
getting a baby.
Yeah, and I know this-- this makes you very
sad,
but I promise you we're still a family--
Can I have a kitten?
A kitten?
If I can't have a brother,
then I want a kitten named Larry.
Okay, w-what's this about? Is Larry on a
show?
He's not, which is what's weird.
- Ooh! How was prom? - So fun.
Michael and I danced all night...
And then we stayed after and helped clean
up,
which was awesome
because I got to meet next year's trig
teacher.
That is not the prom I remember.
I have such a bad headache!
That's the prom I remember.
Were you drinking?
Mom, do we really have to do this?
You ask if I was drinking, I say "No,"
and we both know that that's not true.
I mean, aren't we past this point in our
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-【547】-
Modern.Family.S04E01
relationship?
No, young lady, we are not.
Then I wasn't drinking.
Me neither, mrs. D.
Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the night
here.
Mom, do we really have to do this?
Mom, I have a big decision to make
about poetry camp this summer.
Is this about the walking sticks again?
Pack them all and decide when you're there.
I can either focus on sonnets or free verse.
I've always fancied myself a sonneteer,
But I'm thinking the free verse girls
will be freer with everything,
If you catch my meaning.
Hmm? Ay. I'm sorry, Manny.
I'm sure you will make the right decision.
Are you okay? You seem distracted.
Manny, sit down. I have to tell you
something.
What?
I am pregnant.
You're what?
I'm going to have a baby.
Wow.
What?
You're not happy?
Yeah. Sure.
It's just a lot to take in.
And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at
a great time for me,
With everything I've got going on.
This is not your responsibility.
Neither is our wooden salad bowl,
But I'm the only one who oils it.
Without me, that thing would soak up
dressing like a sponge.
Manny, I can take care of a baby.
I took care of you.
Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty
trained.
I just did not get the appeal
of intentionally soiling one's pants.
That said,
I will admit to missing the kisses on my

tummy.
How did Jay take it?
I haven't been able to tell him yet.
He might not be too thrilled.
Do you think? I was starting to wonder the
same thing.
He doesn't deal well with change.
I know.
He still checks the front step for the
evening paper.
Don't worry, mom. I'm sure he'll adapt.
Although, he still does call the remote the
"Clicker."
Ay, yeah.
I'm bored, daddy. Make the car dance.
All right. But just for a second, all right?
Do it again.
No. Once was enough.
If I can't have a brother, then I want the
car to dance.
Wow, you are really comfortable playing
that card.
They wouldn't take 'em.
They were afraid they might have bedbugs.
Are you serious? They rejected our
donation?
I was so offended,
I almost didn't buy this fiestaware
creamer.
2 bucks.
Didn't know what they had.
Ah! Score.
So what are we gonna do now?
Get a kitten and then name it Larry.
Lily, honey, this is hardly the day to get
a kitten, okay?
Would you just tell her?
I don't know.
I kinda want one now.
You know, we have been through a lot,
And maybe the presence of a cuddly little
friend
will help us ease the pain.
Okay, so what you're saying is,
You have a child-shaped hole in your heart,
And your plan is to cram a cat into there?
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-【548】-
Modern.Family.S04E01
He has a name.
I can't wait till your eyes adjust to the
light,
and we see the look on your face.
I hate you guys.
Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing a
beard?
I mean, you got the face for it.
- You think? - Yeah.
That's funny. I always thought so, but my
wife doesn't.
Oh, what does she know?
Come on, you got a great nose, those
deep-set eyes.
I mean, you would look good.
Thanks, Shorty.
It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in between
projects.
Okay, put me back in the trunk.
Relax, you're almost there.
Nope, I'm done now!
- Hey, jay, no! - No! No! No! Hey!
Jay! Jay!
- Jay! - Son of a bitch!
Somebody help me!
I would, but--but these pants are cashmere!
I got you, Jay!
You gotta calm him down!
- Punch him in the head! - Don't punch him
in the head!
Don't make me punch you! I will punch you
to save you!
I think I'm being waterboarded.
You're making me do this!
Get this thing off me!
Happy birthday.
We're taking you fishing.
For whatever it's worth,
Dylan was very responsible last night.
He's a good guy to have around the house.
Mm. Where we going with this?
Well, since I can't move in with him
anymore,
He can't afford his apartment.
So I was wondering if it would be okay
if he could stay with us for a couple weeks?

Sure. Oh, you know what?
Why don't you guys take our room?
She's being facetious.
Sarcastic.
Dylan no stay.
what?!
Oh, come on! He helps out a lot.
He is very handy.
Really? The guy who locked himself in his
car?
You are in no position to be asking for
favors, young lady.
Here. Drink this. It's for your hangover.
Ugh. It smells gross.
Well, then you better drink it fast.
Ew! I'm gonna throw up! Ugh! Ugh!
That's a hangover cure?
No.
Well, this is probably shot.
Once again, I'd like to apologize for
punching you in the head.
It really was the only way to save you
since you were bound and... hooded,
which leads me to my second apology.
Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used to say,
let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin our
whole afternoon.
He's right. The whole point of this
is for you to enjoy the lake with your three
best friends.
Stan coming?
Burn!
So... 65, huh?
You're heading into the best years of your
life.
That's right.
You put in the work. You climbed the
mountain.
Now it's time to reap the rewards.
I guess you're right.
Sounds pretty good to me.
You know, the more I look at you,
the angrier I get that you don't got a
beard.
I had a soul patch once.
A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap.
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-【549】-
Modern.Family.S04E01
I golfed six times last week.
found 42 balls-- a new record.
I don't think my falcon could have found
that many,
And he can spot a mouse at 600 yards.
Whats that have to do with beards?
I thought we were talking about Jay turning
65
and how good that's gonna be.
That's right. It's gonna be great, jay.
I'm telling ya. I got a vegetable garden.
Two years ago, it was a patch of dirt in
my backyard.
Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of
beans,
I got squash.
And between you and me,
I'm even thinking about pickling my own
cucumbers.
Why would that be between you and me?
Because there's a finite number of pickles.
But don't worry. All you guys are on the
list.
Well, I'd like to make a toast.
To Jay, who's not particularly buoyant.
And again, I'm very sorry about that.
But he's the best father-in-law a guy could
ask for.
All right. And we're--we're all really
lucky to know him. Cheers.
- Here, here. - Salud.
Thanks, guys. You know what?
It is kinda nice being out here with all
of ya.
Hey, let's do some fishing.
I'm starting to feel better now that I'm
finally getting dry.
Let's do this!
- Let's go! - All right!
Sure.
You know,
I had a little peppermints schnapps at my
prom,
but I hid it from my parents
and I kicked my boyfriend out before they
woke up.

It's called respect.
I'm pregnant.
You're gonna get fat.
You--oh! I mean...
That's great. It's great! You're pregnant!
It's great! Congratulations!
It was a surprise.
Yeah, I'll bet. What did my dad say?
I haven't told him yet.
I worry that he's going to think it's not
such great news.
Ohh, no. Don't be silly.
He's gonna be thrilled.
I knew he wasn't gonna be thrilled.
And if history was any indication,
he wasn't gonna be able to hide it.
It's a french canadian delicacy called
poutine.
Mm. Well, it looks like vomit,
So I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth.
We're here!
What'd you do to your hair?
I thought I'd try something different.
What, looking old?
I had to get to dad
Before he said something insensitive to
Gloria.
But she is gonna get really fat, though.
Dad, call me back.
I have something very important to tell you
So when you get home you don't say something
stupid
Like you usually do.
oh, happy birthday.
Yeah. I've gotta say,
You're handling this baby thing better than
I would've expected.
What do you mean?
You're used to being the only kid in the
house.
Now there's gonna be a new kid. Jay's kid.
So?
Well, the old Manny would've been worried
that Jay would love the new kid more.
I think you're underestimating how
adorable I am.
Modern.Family.S04E01
You're right. You're way cuter than a baby.
I'm gonna go check on dinner.
Sometimes I just like to toss a grenade and
run away.
All right, take a whiff.
Make sure you like it,
'cause that's what our couch is gonna smell
like.
Okay, hi. Yes, we're gonna take this one.
Oh, I'm gonna need you to slow down a bit.
There's a process we need to go through
to see if you're a suitable cat guardian.
Oh, really? Because I thought the process
was,
I say, "We'll take this one."
And then you say, "Thank god because we have
too many cats."
No. We need to ensure these cats are going
to good homes.
That's why we need you to fill out this
form,
And then there'll be a site visit.
Okay, um, we've just been through a very
frustrating year
trying to adopt a baby, so...
You'll forgive us if we're not really in
the mood
to jump through too many hoops for a cat.
Oh. Why wouldn't they give you a baby?
- It's complicated. - So are cats.
Are they? 'cause that one over there has
been licking
itself ever since we got here.
Okay, you know what? I'm--I can't do this.
What about Larry?
I'm sorry, Lily. Not today.
Mitchell stormed off, but I couldn't.
I had to give her a piece of my mind.
And how'd that go?
I may have strayed off topic just a bit.
No, sir!
No, she will always be Norma Jeane Baker
to me.
What is your point, exactly?
That like the thrice-married starlet,
This cat is being deprived a stable home.

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-【550】-
 Modern.Family.S04E01
I'm sorry if you're upset. Just somewhere far away.
You're the one who should be upset, ma'am. -I'm just sad, Cam. - I am, too.
we are animals lovers. You know, I had our mornings all planned
That cat would've been on the receiving end out.
of affection The baby and I would walk Lily to
24 hours a day. kindergarten
Satisfying its every need would've been our and then cut back home through the park
top priority. and feed those ducks that you're not
Okay, in light of that tableau, supposed to feed
I would like to take back the phrase but everybody does.
"Receiving end." I bought a picture frame for my desk,
Mom, I've decided I'm not going to poetry and it's just sitting there,
camp. Waiting for his face.
What? Why not? Come here.
'cause by the time I come back, I already feel better.
Jay will have turned my room into a nursery. Me, too.
No, he won't. See what the power of a hug can do?
I'm not his real kid. Just saved us a long plane ride with a
I'll be as insignificant as a whisper in toddler.
a windstorm. - And a cat that we didn't want. - Oh, we're
Oh, listen to you. You have a gift. still getting that.
You have to go to the poetry camp. All right, how does this look?
I don't think I can Perfectly innocent. They're not even
Manny, please. I have too much to worry touching.
about right now. Great. Okay. Let's go.
-Okay? - You? All right.
I dug a pretty big hole for myself You ready, honey?
with those insult jokes this morning. Go. Go.
Why didn't I learn from Rickles? Hey, Mrs. Dunphy?
You gotta end with some ticker. I heard about what Haley asked you, and just
Okay, I give up. so you know,
I can't find a position that's not sexual. I never wanted to put you in that position.
- Just calm down. - I can't calm down. - I'll be fine. - That's good to know.
You know, maybe we're not as okay as we keep My cousin Dylan said I could stay at his
saying we are. house.
- I know. - Maybe we should go away. Well, not really at his house.
You know, go someplace to heal. More like behind it... In the garage.
Where? Okay.
Well, someplace with a vibrant theater Well, actually, there are no walls,
scene... So it's more of a porte cochere.
Top-notch restaurants... Fancy.
The jewel of Missouri's white river. Anyway, I'll be sleeping in it.
We're not going to Branson. It's got a bathroom.
Okay, fine. Where would you go? More of a half-bath.
I don't know. Maybe europe? It's a coffee can.
London? Anyway, I'll be fine

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-【551】-

once I find a nice tent to protect me from
the coyotes.
Well, be sure to hang your food up high.
we're back!
Birthday boy's here!
Hey, Jay, you're all wrinkled.
Yeah, yeah, I'm old. I get it.
No, I mean your clothes.
Yeah, when I was your age, I was wearing
animal skins.
Bam! You got me.
I think, bam! You got yourself.
I'm just expressing concern.
Let me guess-- about my bone density.
You know, you're a real smart-ass.
At this rate, I'll be living in the
basement.
Lucky.
Dad? Dad, okay, quick. Just come here one
second.
I gotta tell you something.
Somebody is about to tell you some very
important news.
And for the first time in your life,
I need you to react nicely.
- I always react nicely. - You never do.
And this person in question is very
vulnerable right now.
So could you please just be loving and
supportive?
- Happy birthday, dad! - Oh, thank you.
That's a boy.
Sorry we're late, but it's for a good
reason.
We're thinking about getting a cat.
Well, isn't that wonderful?
I'm thrilled for you both. This is a heck
of a decision.
You have my full support.
Okay.
I think it'll be a perfect addition to the
family.
I know I'll love the heck out of the little
bugger.
I'm just hoping that little one over there
doesn't get jealous.
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Modern.Family.S04E01
Oh, this little one will be just fine
now that he knows where he stands--
In the shadow of your new baby!
What's he talking about?
He's talking about I am pregnant.
- Oh, come on! - Pregnant?!
You gotta be kidding me!
Oh, gross. I didn't know grandpa could
still do it.
Don't be disrespectful, Luke.
Anyone could do it with Gloria.
And if you're too set in your old ways to
be happy about it,
I can raise it on my own.
I have done it before, and I can do it now!
I come from a very long line of strong Latin
women
whose husbands are nowhere to be found!
- Are you done? - Yes!
- Can I say something? - Go on!
That's the greatest news I've ever heard.
It is?
I spent the day hearing what my future had
in store for me,
and I didn't like one bit of it.
It felt like my life was ending.
And now you're telling me that I get to have
a new start...
with the woman of my dreams.
I think I'm gonna cry.
I'm way ahead of you.
Can you believe this?
I know. They wouldn't even let us get a cat.
It's gonna be great!
I'm gonna get so fat.
Mostly great.
Oh, gross. They're at it again.
If you don't like it, don't look.
She looks great, doesn't she?
Yeah.
Not really gaining weight the way I
would've expected.
I finally understand why people say
pregnant women glow.
Phil, I have had three children.
Hey, dad, Gloria, open our present.
 Modern.Family.S04E01
Ooh! I hope it's something fancy. Good to know you'll have company.
It's for the baby. I love it! I call him bubbles because his mouth is all
We got it in a shop at Heathrow, duty free., foamy.
Not for long. Dylan, I'm on to your little game.
Isn't it absolutely brilliant? I know non of this is ture.
Okay, we were in london two weeks. You just try to guilt me into I letting you
Lose the accent, Madonna. stay.
Why is your face all scratched up? You're right, I'm sorry.
Stupid Larry. I'll just live in my car.
This feels so weird. Think I can borrow a coat hanger
It suits you. in case I get lock in there again.
Don't even joke about it. - God. - What's going on?
That's it. He is moving out of the house No, no no. All of it.
tomorrow. Sure you don't wanna dance with the devil
Really? before I get rid of it.
Oh, and that beard is going. Go.
Fine, but it's gonna kill shorty. Fine.
Okay, everybody, let's gather together.
Manny's gonna read us a little something
that he prepare in his poetry camp.
Thank you, mom.
This is for my new baby brother or sister.
"Welcome, little one.
Open your eyes and take your place.
This is where you're meant to be,
Nestled in the bosom of your mother."
Lucky baby.
- What? - Love you, baby.
"This is where you're meant to be,
in the arms of your father.
His long, long journey has readied him for
this day,
though his skin may be loose,
his hair but a wisp,
and his eyes milky with age,"
All right, we're done here.
Get a drink.
Don't feel bad about making move out, mrs.
D.
I knew this day would come eventually,
and I'm totally covered.
Great. So we'll see you around.
I got a place with an old friend of mine.
Well, not so much of a place as a storage
pod.
And not so much of a... friend as a raccoon.

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-【553】-
 Modern.Family.S04E02
Haley going to college is a miracle.
Modern.Family.S04E02 Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
Can I get everybody's attension. Real Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones
quick. starting school.
Um, on this wonderful occasion-- My mom and jay are going to parenting class.
Our daughter leaving tomorrow for We're doing it for the baby.
college... Not this baby. That baby.
If I could get everyone to raise their Manny doesn't believe that we know what
glass. we're doing.
As I quote from one of our nation's great A couple of new hairs under his arm,
fathers-- and now he thinks he knows more than his
Jefferson. own mother.
George Jefferson. I know not to embarrass my son
"I never dreamed that one of my own as he stands on the threshold of manhood.
"would be going off to a university, I don't know why I have to go to this thing.
"but here I stand, a proud black man, In case you've forgotten, I raised two
knowing that all those hours I put in at kids.
the dry cleaner--" Stop pulling my hair.
- Phil. - Not now, Weezie. - Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! - Shut up.
Where was I? Shut up.
Quoting that president. Why look at me? It was their mother's fault.
Okay, if she's the future of America, I was barely around.
we should start using Chinese money now. No! Ow, ow!
We already are. Haley, this is, like, the third bag
My arm is tired. To Haley. of makeup and hair care products.
To Haley! Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I
And before everyone puts their glasses have to look cute.
down, Don't say a word.
uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily. No. No. I agree with that premise.
Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten. Thank you. Wait.
- To Lily. - Oh, Lily. Yeah, thank you.
To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know Claire.
that she's gonna be one of the smartest In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
girls there. Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of What? Why don't you just buy her some
64? fishnet stockings
Wow. Hey! and a nurse's outfit?
Nice trick. Not that that's my thing. That just popped
Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this into my head.
potato? Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to
Congratulations. You have a parrot. college.
We couldn't even get through the toast to I want to be realistic.
Haley I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
before you pulled focus to Lily. 24 times? What, are you buying her a 4-year
Oh, come on. It's--it's a big day for both supply?
of them. Huh? Please. Phil, that would've lasted me

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-【554】-

and my college boyfriend, like, a long--
La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Okay, we gotta hit the road.
Give your sister a hug good-bye.
Don't dork up our room.
Don't slut up your college.
Seriously, though, don't study too hard,
okay?
I'm totally going to have fun.
I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
Mom, we're gonna lose her.
I am doing my best.
Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
I'm right here.
Bye, Haley. Have fun.
Don't drink too much beer and shots of
tequila.
Why are you wearing that mask?
Uh, I like it.
He doesn't want you to see him cry.
He's literally masking his emotions.
No!
- That's so sweet. - Come here.
It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg.
Half my face was burned off in an industrial
accident,
and the mask is hiding the servos that
control my mouth.
Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,
but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done
everything I can
to get her set up and prepared and off on
the right foot.
Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room
saying good-bye,
it's gonna be one of the most emotional
moments of my life.
I'm gonna cry harder than the first time
I saw "Air bud"...
Especially when I give her this.
"Phil's-osophy."
A hardbound collection of all the life
lessons I've learned,
such as...
"Always look people in the eye,
"even if they're blind.
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Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'"
Or...
"If you get pulled over for speeding,
tell the policeman your spouse has
diarrhea."
Phil's-osophy.
Look how much fun you're gonna have here,
Lily.
So many great toys to play with,
and you're gonna make so many new friends.
Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David
Anthony?
He used to call me "Cam the ham."
- Okay, Lily's day. - Yeah, you're right.
You know what? It's gonna be a great day.
I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up
with a name that rhymes with "ham."
Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.
Bitch.
Elaine Stritch.
What?
Not all bullies are straight.
Okay, parents...
Oh! We'll see you at 12:00.
All right. Mm!
This is when the crying starts.
Does it ever stop?
Come on, Cam.
Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie?
I know this is gonna be difficult--
Bye!
Okay. That was a knife to the heart.
No, it's--it's a good thing. Come on.
Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack.
Oh.
Where'd she go?
Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
Oh, Lily, honey!
Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
If you ever put your hands on my daughter
again,
I will string you up by your feet, run you
up the flagpole,
and let the birds peck out your eyes.
You understand?

Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!
He pulled my daughter's hair.
Please apologize to Connor
for using your hands instead of your words.
Sorry, little fella.
I would like to see you in my office. Right.
- Now, please. - Me, too? Oh.
Stop it. Leave him alone.
Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was
unacceptable.
I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The
hunger games"?
I'm speaking of your behavior.
We've never had an incident like this,
and now we've had one on the first day,
Before circle time.
What the fudge were you thinking?
Now the boy's parents are coming in, and
trust me,
they're mad as hello kitty.
Oh, you told his parents on us?
That is--that is so not cool.
Well, I'm sure once they hear what their
boy did,
they will be understanding.
All right, whoever made our son cry
has messed with the wrong moms.
Lesbians.
While often lumped together, gay men and
lesbians
have less in common than one might think.
Like in the Venn Diagram of sexual
identity,
You have gay men...
And straight men.
Both the same gender.
Then you have gay men...
And straight women.
Both attracted to the same gender.
But gay men and lesbians?
No.
Nothing.
I am so sorry we have to meet like this,
but I'm sure you can understand, as
parents,
the instinct to protect your child.
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Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you
in the neck right now.
Wow. I see where your son gets all of his
aggression.
Okay, let's all take a time-out.
That's a good idea. This is getting a little
heated.
Yeah, Pam,
we don't want another incident like at the
lumberyard.
Oh, my god. You guys go to the lumberyard,
too? D--
I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
Not the bar, sally.
Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice,
And you just called him "Sally."
Yeah, you're not being very helpful,
peppermint patty.
Okay. Let's just stick to our actual names.
Enough.
I'm gonna give you a little homework
assignment.
I want you and your kids to have a family
playdate.
Maybe if the four of you can get along,
You can set a better example for your
children.
I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?
- Fine. - Cam?
Fine. We'll host, obviously.
"Obviously"?
I assume you have an unfinished woodworking
project at your house.
You've got a lot of nerve.
Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our
living room.
I look forward to your frittata.
Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?
Oh, my god.
You have some explaining to do.
I'm so sorry that you had to find out like
this, Jay.
Wow, you two are really far along.
We're, uh, we're still in our first
trimester.
Ay, that's nice.

Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for
ages.
She's Latina. You just gotta look at her
funny.
Okay, now that everyone has their doll,
Let's talk about swaddling.
Now you want to start by turning one corner
of the blanket
toward you, like a diamond,
And folding the top down,
Like this.
I think they made a mistake at the hospital.
Tough room.
Now we are going to pull the other corner
'round,
And tuck it in nice and snug
Like a burrito.
Done! I win.
It's not a race.
You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight.
It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to
fall out.
Here. And try like this.
And see?
Now your baby can breathe.
I wrapped my son with one hand while driving
a stick.
I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
Man, I love being back in the dorms.
It's like I never left.
Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
this could be my room.
Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some
paperwork.
Why don't you throw the linens on the bed?
- Oh, and move the car before they tow us.
- Okay.
Oh, my god. What is that shirt?!
Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving
co."
'cause we're moving you here and here.
And also...
Here.
Man, you used to love it when we swung you
like that.
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I bet we could still do it.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you dare pick me up! And take that
shirt off.
- What? Why? - It's cute!
It's not cute! Do you see what's happening
out there?
People are walking around and judging each
other.
No, they're not.
Oh, really?
You didn't see the way
muffin top across the hall was looking at
me?
People can be cruel. So take it off.
Fine.
Oh, my god! Put on a shirt!
I don't know what you want from me!
"You only get one chance at a first
impression.
I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy
to do."
"Save the giblets."
Time to go to the beach!
You're gonna go to the beach with a dog?
I don't know what I did
- to deserve this. - Yeah.
I want to show Connor my toys.
Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.
Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.
Thank you for that.
Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls
here.
All vegetarian, of course.
Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically
a vegetarian?
Well, I saw it on "The L word."
I assume they have consultants.
I'm just saying it's an offensive
stereotype.
Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.
Knock it off.
Worked out.
Yeah. So glad that we are doing this.
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - Yeah.

I mean, we're the only gay parents in the
class.
Yeah, we should be supporting one another.
I mean, we have so much in common.
Exactly.
So...
Tell us about yourselves.
I'm an environmental lawyer.
Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
And--and, uh, and what do you do?
I'm a financial consultant.
I'm a contractor.
You thought I was a P.E. teacher?
Well, figured.
Hey, I have a question real quick.
How do you guys get the car seat on the
motorcycle?
Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday
next week.
Maybe Lily would like to come.
Oh, she would love that.
Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
Oh, god, no.
I hate clowns they're so creepy.
Maybe you just don't like them because they
wear makeup.
You know what? I'm out.
- Okay. - Pam.
Connor, we're leaving!
- You--you don't understand. - Pam! Pam!
Cam used to be a clown.
"Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown.
God! Not now! Not now!
Connor, let's go.
Pam.
Why is this door locked?
Here. Let me, please.
Lily, open this door right now.
Okay. I'm not hearing anything.
I'm sure they're fine.
Oh, how are you sure?
Connor!
- Lily! - Connor!
Lily!
Make the water comfortably warm
90 to 100 degrees max.
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And never leave the tub unsupervised.
Is there something you two want to share
with the class?
No. It's dirty.
Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher
than you think.
When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was
a goat.
What?
Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
You never said she was a goat.
You know, it's great that we have
a couple of experienced parents in the
class.
Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom
with the rest of us.
Absolutely. It's not rocket science.
It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em.
They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
Scotch?
Really? Are you serious?
What?
So we left.
I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.
I'd like admission to your student body.
Oh, my goodness!
I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.
What's going on?
He grabbed me and said--
I thought she was my wife. My wife works
out a lot.
Dad?
How'd he grab you?
He squeezed my butt.
He what?
- Phil! - I thought it was you!
Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor.
This is an innocent mistake.
Honey, turn around and show him your--your
butt.
- It--it's uncanny. - Dad.
I am very normal. Please do not judge me
based on them.
Are those your my little pony sheets?

What? No!
I ordered them online.
They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very
sorry.
That's what was in the box.
Okay.
Uh, for the record, I am a respected
realtor.
Those are not my condoms.
She bought 'em.
Oh, my god.
Apparently, that's what people do these
days--
Buy condoms for their kids.
When I went to college,
my parents bought me a bicycle helmet.
That was their idea of safety.
Certainly didn't need condoms.
Mm, not if you were wearing
a bike helmet around campus, you didn't.
Am I right?
Why don't we let you guys finish,
and we'll come back later?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah, that sounds good.
See you on parents weekend!
They seem nice.
- Guys, I-- - I know. I know.
Look, we need to reorganize a little.
Your dad will go out and get us some new
sheets.
You and I can hang up all the pictures on
the walls.
You know what? I think it's best if you guys
get going.
But we--we wanted to help you, sweetie.
No, I got it.
W-what if you wanna move the furniture
around?
And we were gonna take you to dinner before
we left.
I like the furniture where it is, and I'm
not hungry.
So...
Modern.Family.S04E02
- Okay. - Okay.
Um, well, uh, before we leave,
I wanted to give you a little present.
It's actually not a little present.
It's probably the best present you're ever
gonna get.
- It's a collection of all the things I've
learned-- - Thanks.
Attention.
Dorm meeting in the common room.
Okay, so...
I better go.
- I know. - Okay.
Okay, come here. That's my girl.
- Let me get in there. - Okay.
- All right. - Bye!
Bye.
"The most amazing things that can happen
to a human being
will happen to you
if you just lower your expectations."
Oh, they've got something over the hole.
- Lily! - Connor!
We can't see anything from outside.
The curtains are closed.
Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot
dog!
What if something happened to them?
What kind of hazards do you keep in there?
Well, let's see. That's where we keep our
gun collection,
our abandoned refrigerator,
and our chocolate-covered hypodermic
needles.
Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
It's my coping mechanism!
Okay, that's it!
Lily, Connor, if you can hear me,
back away from the door. I'm gonna break
it down.
I'll help you.
I don't want Connor to go!
I wanna stay!
Oh, thank god they're alive!
I love him!
No, you love the idea of him. Now open this

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-【559】-

door, sweetie.
Can we really have hot dogs?
Yes, we promise.
Oh! Come here, sweetheart.
If you ask me...
Sometimes we get so hang up on our
differences.
We forget there's one thing that we have
in common.
When it comes to the safety and well-being
of our children,
we're all a little bit nuts.
You have dainty little hands, just like
your daughter.
You have boots like my dad.
I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep
or brushed my teeth.
It just stayed outside my bedroom window
and scared all the strangers away.
Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little
disappointed.
Hey, kid!
Jay, mom, how was class?
It was great. It was very educating and--
And now we know everything about the baby,
no?
Interesting, because your teacher called,
and you forgot your sunglasses when you
left...
Three hours early.
Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
I hate this. I prefer when he screams.
Manny, it's no big deal.
They weren't telling us anything we didn't
already know.
We're going to have a baby.
Am I the only one who's terrified?
But why?
Why are you so terrified?
What if it doesn't know not to pick up
knives
or stick its finger in an electric socket?
You were pretty lax, mom.
I was the one who told you
to turn the pot handles towards the stove
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so I couldn't reach them.
Manny, I didn't worry about those things
because you worried for the both of us.
What if this baby doesn't think things
through?
It's part Jay.
No offense taken.
If the baby's different, we'll be
different.
Hey.
When you were growing up,
you had to be the man of the house and the
kid.
Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to the
baby,
just like I'm not ever gonna let anything
happen to you.
Okay?
Okay. That is a load off.
Although you forgot to pick me up last week
after tango class.
We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes
late.
Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy
neighborhood.
Please. It was between a gymboree
and a pottery barn.
"Dance until your feet hurt.
Sing until your lungs hurt.
Act until you're william hurt."
How you doing? Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm...
I'm--I'm--I'm good. You?
Fine. Yeah.
Great.
"Take a lesson from parakeets.
If you're ever feeling lonely,
Just eat in front of a mirror."
"Never be afraid to reach for the stars,
because even if you fall,
you'll always be wearing a parent-chute.",
TM."
Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
Yeah.
Where are you guys?
 Modern.Family.S04E02
Almost home, honey.
Dad, I really like that book.
You do?
Sweetheart, is everything okay?
Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for
everything,
you know, today and stuff.
O-of course.
- Sure. - Of course. If--if you need
anything at all...
You just call us.
I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
Not funny.
I'm sending you some care bear sheets.
Anyway,
I should probably get going. We have
orientation at 7:00 a.m.
G-good luck with that, sweetie.
I love you, guys.
We love you, too, honey.
So, so much.
Bye.
Bye, Haley.
I'll miss you.
"Marry someone who looks sexy while
disappointed."
See?
"Older black ladies make the best iced
tea."
"Success is 1% inspiration,
98% perspiration,
and 2% attention to detail."
"You can tell a lot about a person from his
biography."
"Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
"If you love something, set it free,
unless it's a tiger."
"If you're ever in jam,
a crayon scrunched up under your nose
makes a good pretend mustache."
"When life gives you lemonade,,
make lemons.
Life will be all like, 'what?!'"

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-【561】-

Modern.Family.S04E03
What's with all the yogurt?
Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my
locker.
But I've got a little revenge planned.
Sorry. I just remembered I don't really
care.
Where's Mom? Oh, my God, what is that
outfit?
Are you going goth?
You still sleep with a stuffed panda.
Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in?
Is there anything else you need for your
procedure?
Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.
Hmm. Actually, I don't--
I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you,
Or a vasectomy?
- You can have ice cream. - Thanks.
- Today... - Snip-a-dee-doo-dah!
We-we've been talking about doing this for
a while.
Yeah. Yeah, ever since dad and Gloria
had their little accident,
we don't need any surprises.
Also, though,
it will allow for a little more freestylin'
in the boudoir
If we're not having to worry about adding
more critters.
More importantly,
it is an essential part of our 5-year plan.
Oh, the 5-year plan. Talk about the--the
Rosses.
The Rosses--okay,
the Rosses are this couple we have known
forever, and...
They were never able to have kids,
- So we always felt a little... - jealous
of them.
I mean, we love our kids,
But John and Chrissy can travel...
They're always tan.
Did you know that Chrissy is eight years
older than me?
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I would have said eight years younger.
There's just this spark in her that--
Well, look who I'm talking to. You used to
have it.
- Wow. It's like you don't... hear... - The
point is,
As long as we don't have another baby,
That life is ours in five years
When Luke goes off to college.
Or somewhere.
It will actually be a pleasure walking into
that doctor's office today
There you are. Mom--
Hang on a second. What is this?
Is this because of your new friend Skyler?
Oh, she's just trying to change her image.
Nice work, by the way.
You went from dork to Count Dorkula.,
Can we talk about my clothes? You were
supposed to send them!
I'll be with you in a second. Hang on.
I don't like this Skylar.
You don't need to change who you are
to fit in with the cool kids.
Oh, of course she does. She just is so
uncool,
she doesn't know who the cool kids are.
Don't you have a class to fail?
Don't you have a raven to train?
Listen, I have repeated outfits twice this
week.
- It's a disaster. - And I will deal with
it tomorrow,
But today I'm taking your father to the
doctor.
- He's having an ass-ectomy. - What?
- I hear things. - You're getting your
tonsils out?
Ohh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.
Oh, shut up! I'm tired of you thinking
you're so...
Did dad ever tell you you were adopted?
- No, I wasn't! - Five more years.
Okay.
Okay, so after school,
You're going to your friend Ashley's to

swim,
So I'm gonna need you to go get your
swimsuit,
Your swim goggles, and your sunscreen,
okay?
And change into a dress that's not covered
in cat fur.
Oh, that cat is really losing its hair.
Maybe we should slip it one of your propecia,
huh?
What propecia?
Your pro--
Is that not something that we're...
So, uh, what you got going on today?
Ohh. Busy, busy, busy, busy.
I might buy some light bulbs, and then, if
time permits,
I might do a little work on my master
project.
Top secret.
- So don't you dare ask what it is. - I
won't.
Since Lily started kindergarten,
Cam's had a lot of free time.
Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to
work, but...
Historically, uh, that has proved to be a
sensitive topic.
We sent those adoption papers to vietnam
last summer.
No, thank you very much,
And please remember my tone, not my words.
She said it could take up to nine months
to get a baby.
It's inhuman!
Is it? Don't-- I-I know it's frustrating,
But maybe instead of driving yourself crazy
Waiting for the phone to ring, you could
go back to work.
Excuse me?
Get a job!
No, it--it'll help you take your mind off
the baby.
Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant
freeloader?
Actually, I think I laid out the reasons
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pretty clearly.
No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy,
Just like on the farm-- first to bed,
last to wake up in the morning.
You know what? Why don't you call my dad,
And you two can gab all night
about what a teet-sucking layabout I am?
Okay, I think I might have paddled
into some deeper waters here.
What, you think I sit around all day?
Well, I'm not sitting now.
What's happening?
You keep a packed suitcase?
That's a healthy baby.
- Hold on. - What?
Is that a license plate and a hubcap?
You know, like in "Jaws"?
I never saw it.
I saw it, but I don't remember
a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
Ah, forget it.
So, would you like to know if you're having
a boy or a girl?
- Yes. - No.
Ay. I want it to be a surprise,
Don't you, Jay?
I'm having a baby at 65.
You want another surprise, Gloria?
Buy yourself a box of cracker jacks.
Estupid dry cleaners!
They shrink my clothes!
Might be time for maternity wear.
Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
Sweetheart,
your shirts barely fit before you were
pregnant.
And I never heard you complain.
We're gonna need a bigger belt.
Come on.
This is hard.
Hey, Cam.
Who's hungry?
Ohh! Were you thinking about dropping by
for lunch...
Again?
You know, I-I really wish I could,

But it's, uh, it's a zoo around here.
Um... but, hey, Cam--
Cam, would you mind, uh, stopping by
Longinus' boutique
And picking up a few shirts for me?
- Sure. - Thank you.
Or we can do it together.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Hi. - Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
Okay.
Um... that's-- that's good. Okay. Yeah.
You didn't send the little green jacket?!
Honey, I am not doing this again.
It took me an hour to mail that package
before.
I have post-post office traumatic stress
disorder.,
Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
It is clever,
and there's no way I'm going back there
today.
Oh, my God, I hate you so much!
Oh, sorry, that's your father. Gotta go!
Claire, where are you?
Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience
at the post office.
I have post-post office traumatic stress
disorder.
- Nailed it. - Yes!
And Luke forgot his science project,
So now I'm at the school dropping it off.
Um, but what about my appointment?
I'm so sorry, honey. I made other
arrangements,
but I promise I will be there when you wake
up.
Arrangements?
What--um... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What--what arrangements?
I, um... I kinda wanted you to take me.
Let's go! Chop, chop!
Seriously? "Chop, chop"?
Oh, right.
Ohh! What?
What is this?
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- Mom? - Luke!
What are you doing?!
I was dropping off your science project.
Not to my locker!
When are you ever gonna stop embarrassing
me?
Five more years.
Five more years.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
If you're gonna go any higher,
Maybe I should put this down, huh?
So? What do you think?
Finally, a store that sells shirts
men actually wanna wear.
Thank you. Look, holla if you need me.
We're a little shorthanded today.
What happened to J'Marcus?
Don't ask. She's a J'Mess.
I'm telling you, it is so hard to find
someone
who knows clothes and is good with people.
Well, I wish I knew somebody.
Oh, my god. Wait a second. Cam?
You wouldn't think about taking the job,
would you?
Do you realize how perfect you'd be?
Well, yes. Um, but I-I--
You'd only work part-time.
You'll get employee discounts on the
clothes.
Stop me if I'm wasting my breath.
Well, I don't know. What do you think,
Mitchell?
Well, I-I would miss having you around the
house,
But, you know, if--if it's something that
you love...
Mulling.
You know what? It was nice of you to offer,
- But he should probably think about it.
- I'll do it!
Really?
Yep. Just until he can find somebody to
replace me,
 Modern.Family.S04E03
and good luck with that. Maybe I can help.
Oh, and I don't fold. Maybe when they pick the new music teacher,
Longe, I'm getting a protein shake. I'll go and I'll flirt a little bit with
Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux. him.
Hi. Oh, just "Joe"? Hey, mom, since we're just talking here,
Yes, Jeoux. J-e-o-u-x. About your shirt.
There it is. Uh-- what about my shirt?
Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping out Nothing.
Because he wants his boyfriend to get a job? I just noticed you got some, uh,
I don't know what you're doing. Should I Some pizza... on the ice cream on it.
wave? Ah, a little piece of-- mm.
Did your boyfriend take the job? It's natural to want to know the sex.
Oh, my god! That looks so good on you, Cam! And there's practical matters-- how you
Don't even. paint the nursery.
It is everything I can do to not create a Gloria should--
scene right now. - Phil, would you please knock that off?
You will pay for this. Mnh. - What?
And this. - What's the matter? Are you nervous? - I'm
And this. not nervous.
Manny, you don't seem so happy. May-maybe you're the one who's nervous.
You usually love You ever think about that?
when I pull you out of school to play - Okay. - "Nervous."
hockey. Because if you've had a change of heart...
"A," It's "Hooky," I haven't had a change of heart.
And "B," Don't ever take me out of school Maybe you had a change of heart, but I'm
to play hockey. totally pumped.
Did something bad happen at school? Pump, pump, pumped.
They fired the music teacher. Pump up the jam in my pumped-up... kicks.
Mr. Hideo Namagachi? Pumpty-dumpty. Pumplestiltskin.
That you say perfectly. Because they do this kind of thing all the
Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job. time,
What about me? and in about an hour,
I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for you're gonna be wanting to ride a horse.
years. Mr. Dunphy, can you please come to the desk?
He was gonna give me the lead in the school What's the plan, Phil?
musical, Just sit here. I'm just gonna sit--
"Oliver!" I'm gonna sit a bit. Sitting pretty.
Is it not all over. Is there a Phil Dunphy here?
"Oliver!" I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a
Manny... moment.
You are a very talented boy. Is there anything I could fill out for him?
You're gonna find plenty of music teachers Not unless you want the vasectomy.
to put butter on. Where were you six months ago?
But what if I can't? I don't want Barbados. Now I really need to speak with
to spend my last year of middle school in the patient.
the chorus. Got it. Phil, get over here.

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-【565】-

Phil?
He just ran ou--
You know what could do wonders for your
business here?
A recovery room.
Okay, wait, wait. I'm not sure about this.
Don't be a baby.
It's gonna look cool. Just hold still.
Mom, what are you doing here?
I am changing my shirt. Why aren't you at
school?
Mrs. Dunphy, we just--
Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia.
Okay, we cut last period-- big deal--
because we're shaving the backs of our
necks,
which is totally a style.
But of course now you're going to freak out
- like you always do about every little
thing. - Let's do it.
- What? - Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some
heads.
Come on. Who's first?
Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we-- we don't need you
to do that.
- Are you afraid? - I'm not afraid!
Then let's do this. It's shaving time.
Shavy gravy. Shaved by the bell.
Why are you talking like dad?
Hair up, girls!
Let's see some napes. Come on. Let's--
Oh, god. No!
- Oh, my god! Oh, my god! - What did you
do?!
What did you do? I have my sister's wedding
on Saturday!
I'm so sorry.
Uh, Skylar, wait!
I could--I could-- I could even that up for
you.
Stay away from me, both of you!
Uhh! You ruined my life!
Skylar!
Cam.
Cameron! Ohh! You're gonna have to talk to
me at some point!
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Oh, well, let me put that on my list of
things to do,
- right after "Get a job." - Would you stop
running away?
Nope.
C-Cam! Come on!
You know, I can barely catch up with you
Now that you lost all that weight.
You know what? I am sleeping better,
and I do have more energy-- oh, you know
what? You're good.
You're very good.
Cam, the only reason I tried to get you that
job
is because you've been seeming a little...
unfulfilled.
Oh, what, and you thought you'd fix me
by turning me into some common shopgirl?
You're not going anywhere. We have a
daughter.
It's not for me. It's for you.
Cam, I'm not go-- okay, well, that's
packed.
Yeah, and if you're going someplace cool,
I have a winter one packed as well.
No, I'm not going anywhere!
And I should be able to talk to you about
these things.
Oh, what things?
How empty my life is?
You know, you have no idea what I do
around this house every day. I shop for
food,
I pay the bills, I maintain the house,
I grocery shop.
Same as shopping for food.
And still I have enough time to work on my
master project.
And you never ask me what my master project
is.
Because you told me not to ask!
Fine, since you won't let it go...
Does this...
look like the work of an unfulfilled
slacker?
A mermaid costume?

Hand-sewn from my own design.
Have you ever stitched lycra?
It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
It looks a little small for Lily.
It's not for Lily.
It's for the cat.
It's a mermaid costume for the cat.
My master project.
It's a mermaid costume...
for a cat!
Okay. Hey, don't cry, okay?
No, no, it's--it's nice. It's--
It's a very nice cat costume.
Oh, stop it!
This is eight weeks of my life!
My--my stupid, empty, creepy,
useless cat-dressing life.
Let me get you a tissue, all right?
- Here. - Okay.
Oh! You packed me tissues.
I know how you are with your allergies.
Cam! You know I don't think you're lazy.
I know. That's just stupid dad stuff.
You know, I didn't like working on the farm,
and he just took it as me being lazy.
The truth is, is I am unfulfilled.
And I do need to find something.
Well, you just--you seem happier when you
have a challenge.
- You know? - I know, I know.
You know, I loved teaching music to kids,
and then--then Lily, she came along, and...
That's the best job in the whole wide world.
You know? And now she doesn't need me as
much.
No, come on, come on.
We're gonna find you something else, all
right?
And it doesn't have to be Longinus.
- Or this. - Yeah.
You know, I do like these shirts.
Yeah. Yeah.
Mulling.
- Okay. - You know, if I'm gonna mull,
I could really use some chocolate.
Well, since your diet, we don't keep it
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Modern.Family.S04E03
around the house.
- Side pocket. - Yeah? Oh.
- Remind me to replace these. - Okay.
Oh. Hey, Jay! How you doing?
Phil, you gotta stop running from things
because--
Running? I'm not running.
- You're running. - Look, I'm not up for
another round with this.
Just get in the damn car! I'm not having
a great day!
You're not having a great day?!
Are you about to get spayed like a common
schnauzer?!
They don't spay you, they fix you. You're
a man!
I just want to stay one!
Phil, what's scaring you here?
That people are gonna think less of you as
a man?
No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
- That's what this is about? - Wait, people
think that?
That you're less of a man?
That never even occurred to me.
Look, no one's gonna think less of you.
And it hardly even hurts.
I'm unusually sensitive down there.
I can't go in certain jacuzzis.
I'm gonna be with you the entire way.
Plus it's the fear of pain
that's always more than the actual
experience.
That's easy for you to say. You're not
afraid of anything.
-Of course I'm afraid of stuff. - Like what?
Look...
You remember before, when I told you I was
wanting to know the-- the sex of the baby...
For practical matters? Well, that wasn't
true.
I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.
Give me a break. That's not a thing.
You'd just rather have a boy.
Everyone would rather have a boy.
No. I'm actually scared. I get boys.

It's girls-- they're--they're
complicated.
Half of Claire's childhood, I did
everything I could
to try to turn her into a boy.
Well, whatever your issues were,
you and Claire are good now.
Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time
with this new one, and I can't screw it up.
I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise
a girl.
Jay, you're being sensitive right now.
I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you
calmed me down.
I-I don't think you're the guy you used to
be.
So you're saying that if I can deal with
you,
then I can handle... any other little girl?
I think I'd put it a-a little differently.
No, I-I-I think that's right.
Thanks.
We gonna do this?
Promise it's not gonna hurt that much?
Tiny, little pinch.
- I built it up in my head, didn't I? -
Totally.
And I can still achieve a-a full and
satisfying...
You know what? We had a nice little moment
here.
We don't have many of those.
I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
- Okay. - All right?,,,,
So sit up straight.
There you go.
No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down.
All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right. Relax.
There you go.
Perfect.
Can I get a copy?
Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.
Oh, great.
You were kind of hard on that cinnamon bun
guy.
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Did you hear what he said to me?
"Congratulations"?
He thinks I'm pregnant!
That is an insult when the person doesn't
look it.
Mom, wait.
You need to hear this.
You are pregnant, and you look it.
I hope that this new one has some good
manners!
Mom, stop!
I know this whole thing is a little scary
for you.
Last time you were pregnant, you kinda did
it alone
'cause dad wasn't around much.
But this time you have two partners.
That's sweet.
And so are you.
Especially with a little bit of sugar in
your face.
Let me see.
Ohh! What happened?!
Your shirt couldn't take it anymore!
The stupid dry cleaners!
W-- where is it?!
Ay, no!
Oh! You're running out of arms, mom!
A maternity store's right over there!
- What was that? - I don't know, but let's
go!
It's you. I thought it was the guy coming
to shave me.
Oh, good. They haven't started.
He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper
on his neck.
It was disconcerting.
- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I had a pretty crazy day,
But it--it had an interesting ending.
And this tortoise was 200 years old.
I'm sorry. I'm boring you with my trip.
No, not at all.
You hot-air-ballooned over an active
volcano.
Three weeks ago I made every green light
 Modern.Family.S04E03
on Jefferson. Okay, wait. One--one second.
Couldn't stop talking about it. - Okay. - Is that hilarious?
- You e-mailed me. - Oh, god. - That's great! - Oh, Phil!
Mom shaved Skylar's head? That's Ay, this is embarrassing.
hilarious! I don't know how comfortable I am
It's not gonna be so fun the next time she with this guy teaching our kid.
bothers to show up for school
What do you care? You know you don't even
like her.
I don't. Skylar's awful.
Mom actually did me a huge favor.
Oh, my God. Do not tell her that.
She will never shut up.
I know. Remember when you admitted that you
didn't hate
that James Taylor concert she dragged you
to?
She was unbearable! "I told you!
He's got the voice of an angel!"
She's such a nerd.
I kind of miss her, though.
You know, honey, I don't want to do this
unless you are really ready.
I am ready.
- I don't know if I am. - Me, either.
You wanna wait?
Five more years?
I've always seen life like a series of
doors.
Sometimes you get to choose the door you
go through,
Sometimes you don't get that choice.
But you still gotta walk through.
So you can either go kicking and
screaming...
or walk through with your head held high.
And since I don't get to choose the door
I'm about to go through,
I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid.
And a boy.
Honey, look what manny just sent me.
Hang on one sec. Okay.
- Is that the funniest thing ever? - Oh,
yeah!
Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here.
You have to see what Claire sent us.

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Is everybody ok?
I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.
What was that?
Water either gas line, the training is the
same.
People, just stay low and move out.
Honey, Luke's gone.
Claire, spontaneous human combustion is
very rare.
I don't think he exploded, Phil.
The rope ladder works. At least someone
followed protocol.
Oh! Oh, it's there!
Smoke is coming out of Luke's stupid
suitcase.
Like his old man, Luke is a magician.
I'm taking lessons from some guy my dad
found online.
He came personally recommended from the guy
who runs
The Warlock Conference up in Modesto.
Ocupad, big guy.
Find another foxhole.
*This is how we learn to sing*
*Who can go up here with me?*
Cam took a job teaching music at the local
middle school.
Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.
I'm excited for me,
but I'm probably more excited for the
students
because a great teacher is a gift.
Hasn't started yet.
I have to tip my hat to my high school music
teacher...
A real force of nature
who was also the defensive coordinator for
the football team
and supervised calf birthing for the animal
husbandry club.
Doris Olson. Great lady.
Lady.
*This is how... we learn to sing*
Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you.
Modern.Family.S04E04
It's one night.
No, I don't want to be without you,
not even one night in my whole life.
What can I make you?
How about a little room on my side of the
bed?
I mean, I shouldn't complain. My wife's a
knockout. But...
she's at that place in her pregnancy
where, she's, you know... ample.
And the snoring.
I swear in the last ultrasound, the baby
was like this...
So I should be home about noon tomorrow.
Who drank all the coffee?
Oh, I, uh, I had quite a bit of that.
You know, I haven't, um, been sleeping too
well.
There's actually a funny story about what's
causing that.
Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes your
body is going through,
and that nasal stuffiness is very common
during pregnancy,
but we got a crisis in this house.
You've been snoring. But I got you these
nasal strips.
In the commercial,
the old man's angry red sound waves turn
a gentle blue.
- So I'm like an old man? - No!
Like a dog then? A pig?
What is it, Manny? I'm an old man, a dog,
or a pig?
Jay, help me out here. You've heard it.
I don't know what the boy's talking about.
If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny, I
don't love it.
Have a little respect for your beautiful
mother.
Thank you, Jay.
You're right. Sorry, mom.
And, Jay,
Have a great trip to San Francisco.
Okay, Lily's drop-off time is between 8:45
and 8:50,

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-【570】-

so you should be fine to get work by 9.
Here is her checklist for her backpack.
Oh, I have this whole thing planned.
Okay, I'm gonna walk in, take off my jacket,
and say, "Here comes treble."
Big swing on the first day.
Please don't tamp down my enthusiasm.
Okay, what else?
Oh! The dimmer came in for the switch,
so I want you to call the electrician, but
not Brad.
Remember? We had a problem with him last
time about the billing.
He wanted his name above the title?,
Yes, you've done that joke before. So cute.
So funny.
What else? Oh!
Lily needs to get a present for Gio's
birthday party.
And don't be thrown by the invitation.
It is a pirates party, not a pilates party.
Now sit. I wanna talk juice boxes.
Cam. Cam, I know what's happening here.
You're feeling very anxious about your
first day at work,
And you're focusing that anxiety on my day
with Lily.
Really? Are you sure I'm not
completely confident about my first day
because it's gonna be a home run.
And I am worried about you because you're
taking on
a little bit more of the Lily load?
Don't be scared, sweetie. Mwah!
She's not scared! What are you doing?
- Just call me if you need me. - I won't!
And thank you for managing my expectations
today.
Not necessary.
I saw you practicing a bow last night.
That was just in fun.
You know, I highly doubt some teenagers are
gonna
throw rose petals at my feet.
But I wouldn't be surprised
if I got slow-clapped out of my first class.
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Wrong.
I am thinking.
If you were thinking,
you wouldn't have Seattle as the capital
of Washington.
It's Spokane.
Sure, which makes the 11th president of the
United States
"James k. Pslk."
Okay, Alex, stop.
I'm trying to figure this out.
Buzz. Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia.
Make sure you sound out the big scary words.
Mom, something's on my mind, and it's
really bothering me.
Yeah, it's really bothering me, too,
But I think it's gonna be rich,
so we better be nice to it.
I wanna quit magic.
What?
I'm not really interested anymore,
but I don't think dad's gonna be happy.
Oh, sweetheart. Don't worry about
disappointing your father.
He only wants you to do it if you wanna do
it.
Tell you what. I will talk to dad--
Whoa! Talk to dad? That sounds serious.
Don't do drugs.
Stay in school.
Luke wants to quit magic.
That's not happening.
Well, see you guys at dinner.
Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk
about this?
What's to talk about? The kid's a natural.
He has everything--
the hands, the patter, the outfits.
Okay, let's play this out.
Even if he is one in a million,
what's our best case scenario here?
He becomes, what...
A professional magician!
Honey, the boy has a gift.
You wanna just throw that away?
I don't think it's about throwing it away.

I think it's about you pushing him--
Don't I get a say in any of this?
I'm sorry I don't like magic as much as you,
but I don't.
This isn't about magic.
No, it's about my life and you controlling
it.
Look, you made a commitment. You will honor
that commitment.
Ugh! I hate it here!
Luke!
All right, young ladies and gentlemen,
if I can have your attention, please.
Let's settle down
and let's say a temporary good-bye to your
neighbor
and to life as you know it, because here
comes treble.
That's right, my friends, we got treble,
Right here at Franklin middle.
I'm Cameron T., and that rhymes with "G,"
And that stands for "Good morning"!
Huh? Yes! Love the enthusiasm.
Go ahead. First question.
When's Mr. Namagachi coming back?
Okay, Mr. Namagachi isn't coming back,
But there is somebody that I'd like to
introduce you to.
Don't know that you proy met.
She's a good friend of mine,
and she goes by the name of "Music."
And sometimes my friend music can be shy.
Sometimes she can be angry!
Sometimes she can be playful.
And sometimes she can be downright a-funky!
Train wreck.
There's no way he ran this past Mitchell.
Daddy always parks in the back of the
school.
I know, sweetie, but, uh,
those spots were all taken.
Because we're late?
No, we're, like, a minute late, and that's
'cause of traffic.
And because I tipped over.
You didn't snap my car seat right.
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Okay, well, it certainly didn't hurt your
memory any.
All right, here's your lunch.
You spilled it!
Oh! Why is the top open?
Daddy always zips it for me.
Maybe you should zip it.
I heard that.
So with just a few more minutes left--
- Mr. Namagachi-- - used to work here,
but he got fired, okay?
So now let's form an orchestra
made up of my favorite instruments--
your beautiful bodies.
Gettin' creepy.
Okay, so you guys are gonna be my, uh, table
slappers.
You're my bass line.
Okay, and you're gonna be mouth trumpeters
in the back with the melody.
Okay, now let's bring it all together.
One, two, three.
The bass line is a little-- a little softer.
Okay, louder with the mouth trumpets.
Okay. Great. Well, thank you so much.
And, um, I thought it was a great first day.
And I love the give-and-take, everyone.
And, um...
Hey, dad. How's Frisco?
My meetings ended early.
I didn't even have to spend the night.
And don't say "Frisco."
They hate it when you call it "Frisco."
How do you know what they hate?
You've been there two times in your life.
Anyway, I haven't slept in a week.
Gloria's snoring like a water buffalo.
Aw. Well, she's pregnant. It's
uncomfortable.
What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30?
We're not doing this again. How do I bring
it up?
Well, for starters, you don't.
You suck it up.
Dad, your hot wife
who was learning to walk when you were 30

years old,
is pregnant with a baby you conceived
doing something most men would kill to do.
- I'm just so tired. - It's a small
sacrifice
compared to what she's going through. Poor
thing,
what with the extra... 30? 35? 40? 45?
We're done.
All right, here we go. How's this?
That's not the kind we get.
Okay.
Hello? Hey, Cam.
Just checking in on me again?
Yeah. Just wanted to see if you got Lily.
Yeah, we're--we're just-- we're at the
grocery store,
having a great time.
Oh. Yeah. Any questions about the...
about the grocery list?
No, we're just picking up the granola.
So how was it? How was the big debut?
Was it a comfortable ride around the
schoolyard
on the shoulders of the children?
Well, I stood and delivered.
Thank you for sarcastically asking.
Yeah.
Okay, did you call the electrician about
the dimmer?
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm on the other line with him right
now.
Oh, well, I should probably let you go.
Keep your eye on Lily. She has a tendency
to wander off.
Cam... Uh, wh-wh--I'm-- I'm totally
capable of...
- You lost her, didn't you? - No. No, no,
no, no.
No, she is right next to me. Hi, honey.
I can hear it in your voice. Look in the
dairy case.
Cam, do you honestly think that I would
lose...
the doors don't pull. They slide.
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You never saw me.
Thank you very much.
Look, um, I thought about it,
and if you really want to, you can quit
magic.
You just have to do one thing first--
execute the Butler's escape.
It goes without saying that the Butler's
escape
is one of the most challenging feats of
escapology
an illusionist can perform.
It's--it's based, of course, on the
well-known story
of the Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy,
who was imprisoned in the Tower of London,
and as we all know, refused to take off his
uniform
when he was shackled.
Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert
slept,
Percy freed himself and leapt over the
sleeping guard,
giving rise to the popular expression...
"Percy jumped the Gert."
Why are you making me do this stupid trick?
I think you're quitting...
because magic's getting hard,
and that's not a good reason for quitting
anything.
But...
if you can do this,
then I'll know that you genuinely don't
like it,
and you'll have my blessing to pursue other
interests.
No strings attached.
Sorry, buddy.
I'm so sorry.
You're kidding, right?
You cannot really be enjoying that stupid
show.
I was changing channels.
God. Why are you so mean lately?
Is something wrong with you?
Is it that obvious?

Oh, my gosh. Come on. You can talk to me.
There's this girl at school, and...
She got pregnant.
No.
I know. I've been trying to help her,
But with all the pills she's taking, she
kinda lashes out.
Oh, honey, this is too much for you to take
on alone.
- Where are the parents? - They're no help.
Dad's all consumed with his plastic surgery
business,
and her mom's an ex-model who's trying to
launch a music career.
You're describing the show I was just
watching, right?
I'm just saying, mix in a book every now
and then.
Mean! Mean!
Try to see this from my perspective.
I can't.
I'm not raising a quitter.
Trust me. I know what's best for you.
And watch your time. In the stage version,
the rope's on fire, and you're suspended
over a bed of nails.
I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
Use that anger, Lukini.
Let it be the key that opens the vault of
fear...
that holds the chalice of hope
that contains the elixir of success.
In a few short minutes...
Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
I quit.
So how was your first day? Tell me
everything.
Well, you know, it was a lovefest.
And the kids-- they were, you know, and...
Is that a roast?
W--yes. Yes. But I'm surprised you could
smell it over the
no-dairy yellow pepper bisque with cheesy
croutons.
Oh, wow. You had time to do a roast and soup.
- Hi, daddy! - Hi, angel!
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How are you? Did you miss daddy?
Wow. Bathed and braided.
Yeah. Let me just put you in a more
flattering light here.
The dimmer.
Who'd you call?
I called myself 'cause I did it.
Yeah, I had time after picking up Gio's
present,
so, uh... Go show daddy what it is.
- Okay. - Yeah.
It sounds like you had a pretty successful
day yourself.
Well, it's just a matter of being
organized.
But who am I telling, huh?
You do this sort of stuff every day.
Oh, blow on that.
So tell me more about the kids.
Well, it was as I predicted, you know.
They just needed somebody to come in there
and bring music back to life.
And, you know, that person was...
that person was...
It's not me!
What's happening?
It was a disaster, Mitchell.
They hated me!
Not just the kids, the teachers.
They wouldn't sit with me at lunch.
I had to sit alone.
Oh, honey.
And my sweater--the shop teacher spilled
juice on it.
He said it was an accident, but it wasn't
an accident.
- It's okay - It's not okay!
I failed miserably.
And look at you. You did everything so
perfectly.
Well, yes.
And--and--and no.
Look, look, I... I gotta tell ya.
Uh... I've just been watching
how you've done things all these years,
and I just perfected it.

- Oh, please, Mitchell! - Claire...
Cam, he was every bit the failure you are.
He was late picking up Lily. She was in with
the custodians.
The only thing he had less to do with than
dinner
was the dimmer.
And her hair was in braids because there
was gum in it.
And... why are we hugging?
Because I know if he called you for help
and heard as many insults as I know he had
to hear,
then he had a worse day than me.
Oh, she was horrible, Cam.
- You know what? It's gonna get better. -
No, I know.
We just need some time to settle into these
new roles.
You were right to lower my expectations.
I just wish I had lowered mine.
This gonna work its way around to a "Thank
you," Ladies?
Hey, honey.
Surprise! I'm in San Francisco!
What?
I dropped Manny at a friend's and, I know
it's crazy,
but I hopped on a plane and I'm here!
I'm driving to the hotel.
That is so great.
The thing is, honey, I'm not here right now.
See, I'm, uh, I'm out at dinner.
Probably won't be back for, um...
Oh, I don't know. A couple of hours.
It's okay. I'll wait for you there.
Don't be silly. How often do you get to san
francisco?
There's so much to see there.
I mean, here.
Ghirardelli square? Fisherman's wharf?
Alcatraz? Hey, take that segway tour.
That's a great way to see the city.
And when you get the chowder,
Make sure it one of those bread bowls.
You can eat the bowl.
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Modern.Family.S04E04
Yeah, it's a story you'll tell for a
lifetime.
You know what? Later on...
Maybe we can watch some of your Lance Burton
DVDs.
Thanks. I think I just wanna try this
escape.
Would you mind tightening my arms?
Oh. Sure. Here.
It's just hard, you know?
It's the first time he hasn't shared one
of my interests.
It's scary to think that this is the start
of us growing apart.
Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase.
Alex is going through something right now.
I wish I could figure that out.
- I can't breathe. - Anxiety.
No, no, I'm--I'm fighting the jacket.
The key to this escape is balance.
The whole thing is based on the idea of
opposing forces.
Holding each other in check.
That actually makes some sense.
Some sense?
There are two things I know with dead
certainty--
How to shoulder roll out of a human pyramid,
and the black arts of the Butler's escape.
No, honey, our house is out of balance,
because Alex is missing her opposing force.
Mm? Yeah.
Oh. Y-you're missing out.
Some people describe this escape as visual
poetry.
Honey?
oh, no.
Gloria.
You told me that you were in Frisco,
and you were here in a hotel?
Let me just say one thing.
Don't say "Frisco." They hate that.
And how the hell did you find me?
The house has been a little noisy lately.
And the school library is a pickup scene.
So where does a kid go for some peace and

quiet?
Tell me right now if you're having an
affair,
and we will find some time later for me to
kill you.
No. I'm just trying to have one night away
from your snoring.
You came to a hotel to sleep?
I'm exhausted, and I didn't want to hurt
your feelings,
but you're huge and you're loud.
It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh.
And I didn't want to bring it up because
I figured
you'd get mad at me the way you got mad at
Manny.
I am not mad at you because you told me that
I snore.
I am mad at you because you didn't say
anything.
'cause I didn't want to get yelled at.
Well, too bad.
When you're married to me,
you're going to get yelled at many times.
And you're tough enough to take it.
That's what I love about our marriage.
We can say whatever we want,
but the next day, we're still there.
That's what I like about it, too.
What am I gonna say you couldn't forgive
me?
There are things, Jay.
You ready to go?
I was thinking, it's such a shame
that this hotel room is going to go to
waste.
I like where this is headed.
Make Manny some pasta. I'll see you
tomorrow morning, okay?
Hey, dad.
Hey, buddy.
Look, I-I'm sorry if I--
No no no, don't apologize.
There's still plenty of stuff we can do
together.
So if you want out,
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-【576】-
Modern.Family.S04E04
you are... Out!
Uh, I know we bought a lot of magic stuff,
but we can return some of it--
Merlin's hat, the gloves, most of the
capes.
What about houdini's wands?
They kinda got broken.
All three? What happened?
I got you carbon fiber.
Some kids were messing around with them at
school.
What do you mean? What--what were they
doing?
I don't really want to talk about it.
You know, I went through that,
kids--kids messing with my stuff.
- Really? - Oh, yeah. In high school,
When I first got nominated for junior
tumbling congress,
my parents had to sign a... release!
Anyway, my buddy dizzy Brindizzi
saw it, grabbed it, and made a lot of fun
of me.
I thought about not going.
But you did.
Oh, yeah. Had a blast.
Made a lot of friends,
shared milkshakes with more than one female
tumbler.
The minute I stopped caring what other
people thought
and started doing what I wanted to do, is
the minute
I finally felt... Free!
Buddy...
You're gonna make your own choices,
and whatever you decide, I'll always
support you.
You're not just saying all this 'cause
you're stuck, right?
Nothing you decide will ever disappoint me.
Thanks, dad.
Relax your arms,
roll your shoulders forward,
bend down your head,
exhale...
 Modern.Family.S04E04
And then arch.
Uh... It sorta worked.
Well, honey, I just wanted to check in and
say hi.
Alex, come say hi to your sister!
I love you so much.
What's up, lady?
Oh, my god. You did not just say, "What's
up, lady?"
What's wrong with you?
I was just saying hello--
Oh, it's like the lamest thing you've ever
said.
And what is that shirt?
What are you, a flapper?
I just bought it at that store that you--
Oh, where? Forever 1921?
And what is going on with your hair?
What's wrong with my hair?
Oh, you should just dip yourself in boy
repellent.
Shut up! Mom!
And balance...
is restored.

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-【577】-
 Modern.Family.S04E05
wearing people clothes.
Modern.Family.S04E05 I was plenty scary.
Why there are giant lolipops all over the I used professional-grade makeup.
front yard? That's the point, Claire. It was overkill.
And why they taste so bad? You're the kind of person
Because they are made of cardboard, mouth who can be twice as scary without wearing
breather. any makeup. Bye.
Hey, the world needs more dreamers, Luke You remembered to pick up the costumes,
Never stop licking things. right?
I know it's lame, Yes, they're right over there.
but after last year we promised the Very excited.
neighbours Cam has lost a lot of weight--
we would keep our decorations more family No.
friendly. So we're throwing a Halloween party
We can't carve a pumpkin? to debut the new him.
The petition was very specific. I'll be dressed as a matador.
Every Halloween, we have the best house. Wh-what is it now, 30?
Last year, I took things to a whole new So I've lost Lily.
level. Where is lily?
But appearently it's too scary for some - Do you--you don't have her? - No.
kids. Why would I have her?
And one adult. - I don't have her in my pocket. - Cam?
Trick-or-treat! What about the tiara?
Would you like some candy? Uh, we didn't buy one.
Yeah! You can just use the one from last year.
Or would you rather have this? Are we poor?
Come on. You're fine. No, sweetheart, but you don't need two
I don't care what anyone says. tiaras.
You did not give that man a heart attack. How about next Halloween you try a
Thank you. different costume?
I mean, you're not even scary. No. I have to be a princess.
Can I grab a little bit of this candy Every year? Why?
for my open house tonight? Because my mom's a princess,
Uh, yeah, sure, but... Just like you told me.
It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Cam and I have always known that someday,
Millions of bored parents, we were gonna have to have the big talk with
just trying to keep their... kids out of lily,
traffic. about who her mom was.
Now they can get away from all that, We--we were gonna pick the right time
And see a nice house. and do it together,
What do you mean, I'm not even scary? Carefully following an agreed-upon script.
I literally almost scared the life out of Then I got tired.
a man. "And she was the most beautiful princess
You literally scared a little saliva in all the land.
And a little urine out of him. The end."
That happens to me every time I see a monkey Again.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【578】-

Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?
Oh, that's because she has-- she has a baby
in her belly.
Okay? Good night.
Was I in my mom's belly?
Lily, no more questions, all right?
Just--just go to sleep.
Where's my mom now?
Um, she's...
in a faraway land.
Why?
Because she's a princess.
And she's... very, very busy.
Okay.
I thought that she'd forget about it by the
next morning.
I mean, I did.
Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam,
and he was gonna be furious,
but I was hoping that he'd see the bigger
issue.
You know, I was really tired.
Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing
about Lily wanting to be a princess again?
Well, I-I think it might be because I let
her believe
- her mother was-- - This is a nightmare.
- It was just a mistake. - More like a
disaster.
They sent the matador costume in your size,
and the bull costume in mine.
Oh. I didn't notice. Um...
Now no one's gonna see my bod
in this bulky bull costume.
It was--it was honestly a mistake.
L-listen, um, you--you could do that other
thing that you thought of.
You could put on that gorgeous white suit
that fits you so well now,
and you could be Mr. Roarke,
and Lily could be your Tattoo.
No! I have to be a princess!
Oh, but, Lily, you were a princess last
year.
No! You promised! I'm being a princess!
Why is she so obsessed with princesses?
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-【579】-
Modern.Family.S04E05
Well...
Like we weren't at that age?
I mean...
I'm not mad about the ticket.
It's just the first time I couldn't charm
my way
Out of one of these things.
The way I see it, it's not a ticket.
It's a conversation.
No offense. You don't need that siren.
You could stop traffic just getting out of
that squad car.
License and registration, please.
I, uh...
I'm no stranger to the police academy
myself.
Seen all seven of them.
Sir, no one's seen all seven.
- Is this information accurate? - Yeah.
Uh, except for the weight.
I thought they wanted to know how much I
could curl.
I must be getting rusty with my moves.
Moves? What moves?
You know, flash the baby blues,
hit 'em with the devilish grin.
In case of emergency, break glass
and bust out the dimple.
Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
'cause I'm 100. Chicken pox.
And it doesn't matter where it's from.
It always worked.
Hey, mom.
Manny, why are you coming back from school
so late?
I got sent to the principal's office.
Oh. I am sending him an angry e-mail,
because I don't like when--
No, no, no. It's not his fault.
- What did you do wrong? - Nothing.
Oh, that's it. I'm calling him.
- I hate when he tries to-- - Nothing on
purpose.
It was between periods, right before this
big test.
I was clearing my mind by practicing

some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
- As one does. - Right.
And my umbrella accidentally snagged the
fire alarm.
The principal thought I did it on purpose
- so we'd miss the test. - But you didn't!
That's it! I'm going to his house!
Mom! You gotta stop doing this.
I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy,
which we both know isn't your fault...
But lately you've been such a hothead.
I am not a hothead! I am Colombian.
We get excited.
My country is covered in coffee.
Just like the Starbucks girl
when she got your order wrong?
Half-caf, non-fat wet soy latte.
How hard is that to hear?!
You don't get to be 2-time nonconsecutive
district salesman of the year without
thinking inside the box.
That's right. I said "Inside."
You know why? 'cause while everyone's
chasing each other around outside the box,
You know what the box is?
Empty.
Which brings us back to our formal dining
room.
Now any questions?
Can we have our candy now?
Just as soon as we go over
what you're gonna tell your parents.
- Now what was our style? - Pre-war
craftsman.
Good, good. And how many square feet?
Still no trick-or-treaters?
- Not yet. - Well, maybe people are going
out later this year.
Well, the street's full of kids,
but they're actively detouring around our
house.
Move along.
Who wants some candy?
Plenty of name-brand...
- family-friendly candy right here. - Oh!
It's a trap!
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-【580】-
Modern.Family.S04E05
No. I--ooh, how about you? Hey--
You want some candy, right? Come on,
- have some candy! - Mom! Mommy, she's got
me!
No, I don't-- I'm not trying--
- My candy! - Just leave it!
Jay, you have to get ready for Mitch and
Cam's party.
Gloria, does my skin look looser to you?
What?
Maybe I should try some of that fancy neck
cream of yours.
Don't you have some with specks of diamonds
in it or something?
Trick-or-treat.
You guys don't even have costumes.
I'm a skeleton.
And I'm--I'm a lemon.
Aren't you too old to be trick-or-treating?
Aren't you too old to be having a baby?
Ah, you find that funny, lemon?
Here's a better joke.
Knock, knock. What's gone?
Your candy!
What was that?
Some rude dummies, that they think that
they can--
All right, listen. Let's just calm down.
Get ready for the party.
Calm down what?
You think I'm a hothead, like Manny?
No!
You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe.
Still, that's a far cry from--
You put egg on my house,
I kill what you love!
psycho.
- Plush utility room? - Yeah, right.
I know a hall closet when I see one.
And your dad never lies?
What medical school
did the great appliance doctor attend?
-Hey, Delgado. - Oh, no! Durkas!
What I wouldn't give for this umbrella to
have
Mary Poppins' powers.

Oh, I pray he didn't hear that.
Heard you pulled the fire alarm today
and got us out of that test.
- Good job. - Thanks, Mr. Durkas.
You know what? You don't need to call me
that anymore.
Anyway, we're all meeting at the playground
at 8:00
And heading out, if you want to join.
You're totally going to that.
Yeah, if you want to ruin your reputation.
You're finally gonna be in with the cool
kids.
You need to talk at the school assembly on
Monday
and apologize to all the teachers.
Teachers. More like public sector
parasites.
Be strong, Manny.
Be smart. Adventures, parties.
Juvie, heartache.
Girls!
But not the kind we want.
They're all the kind we want.
Mr. Dur--
Conrad!
Take one. I'm an egg donor.
I love your costume, too, Cam. Adora-bull.
Oh, well, thank you. It's all in fun.
I half-wanted to wear something tighter.
- You know, I've been reducing. - I can see.
- Well, you say it like you can't. - No,
no, no. I totally can.
Impressive, huh?
Yeah. I'm--I'm gonna...
- Hey, Cam. - Mm?
I'm hearing a rumor that you keep flashing
our guests.
Oh, well, not in a perverted way.
I just want people to see my body
under this stupid costume.
That's very close to what actual flashers
say.
- Daddy? - Yeah, one second, honey.
I'm just tired of throwing out compliments
and not getting anything back.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【581】-
Modern.Family.S04E05
I told Roberto his spray tan looked real.
Look for yourself. It's on two of our
pillows and our cat.
Daddy. Yeah?
Lookit. It's my mommy. She came.
Oh. Oh, no, honey, that's not your mommy.
It's not?
No, no. That's just one of daddy's friends.
- What's going on? - Oh, nothing.
She just wants one of these cupcakes.
- But I already had... - Oh, there you go,
honey.
Okay, off you go. Mingle! Mingle!
Looks like some people came by.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had a few.
I saw that.
Hello?
Hey, honey.
Hi. How's your open house?
Pretty empty, actually.
I kind of just took it out
on a Harry Potter.
Seriously, though, a Gryffindor
letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom?
How Hufflepuff is that?
It's pretty lonely here, too.
We have been shunned by the whole
neighborhood.
That's ridiculous.
All over some mild little gag you pulled?
It was not mild. There was an investig...
Oh, I-I thought I heard someone.
I guess it was just trees tapping against
the window.
It's pretty creepy over here in this rattly
old house.
Anyway, I'll probably give it another 30
minutes,
then I'll see you at home.
Okay. Bye.
What are you laughing about?
Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know.
Your poor, dumb dad.
I'll fill you in at the staff meeting
after Keneally's done telling us about his
morning commute.

That's hilarious! You sound just like him.
You are so doing that at Christmas talent
night.
Dude, "Rich Girl", "Sara Smile"...
then a "Maneater" Encore.
It was scary how good they were.
Close your eyes, it could have been the real
band.
Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool
once,
and now he wants to double the stakes.
Oh, I'm so scared!
Right?
Well, this night was a bust.
not a single person even...
Or did I speak too soon?
Was someone in the mood to be a bad little
ghoul?
Oh, Connie, I didn't mean you.
I'm...hey, that's just...that's just the
divorce talking.
Hang in there.
Bye-bye.
Well, someone decided to take a trip
to Fantasy Island after all.
Well, I'm tired of people not noticing my
new physique.
If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out the
diaper
and top hat and going as Baby New Year!
Hello.
Oh, my god!
John-John, is that you?
- You look amazing. - Thanks!
That's what happens when you lose 100
pounds.
Oh, come on. What a...
- Who wants to lift me? - Me.
Come on. How could he have not called us?
Oh, my god, he's as light as a feather.
You know what? I'm gonna go lift him
and shake him till his staples pop.
Cam, stop!
Just saying that we could have caught those
kids.
What, and chase them around all night?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【582】-
Modern.Family.S04E05
I'm not a young man anymore,
as the world keeps pointing out.
What did that waiter just call you outside?
Medieval Knievel.
That is hilarious.
I love when people put some thought into
their outfit.
Illegal Alien, Sugar Daddy.
Why do you say "illegal"?
Because antennas are alien, and you're...
What? Illegal?
Because of the color of my skin?
Why don't I dump your baby in your gas tank?
Gloria! Uh, no hard feelings, please.
Just enjoy the party, okay?
First of all, relax. We're at a party.
Secondly, you've been deported twice.
You're not allowed to be that defensive.
What is it with me lately?
Manny's right. I'm such a hothead.
It happens. You're pregnant.
That's what it is, isn't it?
It's the baby. It's angry in there.
- No! - Yes!
You just said it yourself. I have changed.
I have an angry baby inside of me making
me do bad things!
It's just hormones.
It's your mama bear instinct kicking in.
And that's a good thing,
because that means you're gonna be a great
mom--again.
Do you really think so?
You got a lucky little kid in there.
He's got a mom who's not gonna let anyone
harm him.
Or her.
Or--or him.
Trick-or-treat.
Go ahead.
You better run!
Oh, my gosh,
Is that the most precious thing you've ever
seen?
Oh, my god.
Do you know other princesses?

Trust me. I know lots.
Okay. Bedtime.
Oh, no, it's not that late.
Do you know my mom? She's a princess.
She's exhausted.
She's not making sense. She's so tired.
Daddy, you told me!
What is she talking about, Mitchell?
My real mom. She is, right?
Okay, I think we need to have a little talk.
Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's getting?
Nice try. I will be back for that answer.
This isn't gonna work, Claire...
'cause I know you're here.
What's the plan, anyway?
You gonna pop out at me?
It's gonna take more than that to scare
this--
- Hello?! - Hi!
Is the house still open?
Oh, yes! Yes! I'll be right down.
Claire, this is serious! I have a job!
Not that you don't. You work 24/7
and you don't get half the appreciation you
deserve.
Can we talk about this later?
As you potential buyers can see,
This is a, uh, a beautiful home.
What's behind here?
Oh, I wouldn't go in there!
Unless you love formal dining rooms.
- Honey, look at this. - I'm in the kitchen.
Oh, we should probably stay together.
Come on, Sheila.
- Phil, one question. Are these-- - Wait,
wait.
I just love to see people's reactions
When I show them--
So much storage. What? It's crazy!
I think you guys will find that this house
is full of so many... delightful surprises
That you'll be happy here for--
- Oh, my god! - I don't know her!
Is this the original tub?
What? Yes, it is.
It is, uh, the original tub.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【583】-
Modern.Family.S04E05
Um, original fixtures, beveled mirror,
Just a-a huge stall shower.
If you guys would, uh, want to have a party.
I'm kidding, of course.
But, um, just a house with a real
personality.
We'll be right in, sweetie.
We agreed to tell Lily about her mother
together,
wearing calming earth tones,
and we agreed to tell her the truth.
I know, but haven't you ever said something
dumb to Lily
that you wish she would just forget?
This isn't about me. Let's just fix this.
Okay, great. Although...
the way you agreed so quickly makes me
wonder
what sort of things you've told her.
I may have told her her fibs kills birds.
Wow. We're coming back to that one.
Oh, hi, princess.
Hey, Lil. Could we talk to you for a second?
Am I in trouble?
Oh, gosh, no. Of course not, sweetie.
Um... Well, do you remember how we used to
tell you
there was a heaven for all the flowers that
die?
What do you mean, "used to"?
Sorry, I let it slip. We'll deal with it
later.
Much much are you not telling me?
Why are you talking like this?
Daddies took a little side trip.
- Sorry, sweetie. - Um, so sometimes, uh,
we tell you things like that to make you
feel better.
And I might have done the same thing
when I told you that your mom is a princess.
So she's not?
Well, you know what?
- She might be. - She might be.
But we can't know for sure, honey,
Because... well, we don't know where she
is

Or... what she's doing.
B-but what--what we do know
is that she loved you very, very much...
And she knew that she couldn't take care
of you,
so she made sure that you went
with the most loving family she could find.
And that's how the three of us became a
family.
Does that make sense, sweetie?
Do you have any questions for us?
Why did you say a fib and kill a bird?
I noticed you walking in with your wife
earlier.
She's stunning.
You know my favorite part of that
compliment?
You knew she was my wife.
Half the world thinks she's my daughter.
Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky girl.
Bummer for me, though.
Handsomest man in here, and he's taken.
I'll bet you do all right with the boys.
I do.
It's the men I'm interested in.
You just put it all right out there, don't
you?
I always try to hold a little something
back.
Oh, my gosh.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave him.
- No, but you know that's a-- - I know. He
needs this.
Okay.
- It was great meeting you, Jay. - You, too,
Sam.
Wow! Looks like somebody really likes you.
What can I say? I still got it.
I've been meaning to ask you-- have you lost
some weight?
- Because you look good. - Wow, you have
no idea
what that means to hear from you, Jay.
Uh, turn it that way.
I thought this might cheer you up.
Da plane! Da plane!
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【584】-
Modern.Family.S04E05
Baby girl!
Look you! You even taught her the
catchphrase.
Yeah. Jay, have you seen my new tattoo?
- Be in touch. - Well, thanks so much for
coming.
- Yeah. Thanks. - Okay.
Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can come
out now.
Claire?
Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary.
It's been such a long day.
Can we please just go home?
All right. I'm leaving without ya.
So... this remote you know how to use.
Yes?
Phil, where are you?
Claire? Where are you?
I came over to scare you, but then I heard
you
showing the house to that couple,
so I got out of your way.
Are you at home?
Yeah. I got here ten minutes ago.
S-so... So you're saying...
This call isn't coming from inside the
house?
What are you talking about? Just get home.
The kids and I are hungry.
Yeah, hurry up, dad.
We miss you!
Miss you, too, buddy.
Trick-or-treat!
I wasn't really that scared.
Okay.
Hey, you never told me if you hit those kids
with that egg.
They blended into the crowd,
but there was a slow one with them.
He couldn't run so fast,
and I nailed him pretty good.
- I warned you. - Okay, Reuben.
Where are your cool friends now?
Not q-tipping your ear, that's for sure.
Okay, Reuben.
This is why I never hang out with cool kids.
 Modern.Family.S04E05
Yeah, you rejected them,
Shortly after you and your mom
roller danced at the talent show.
Oh... we were robbed.
Couldn't have been the song you picked.
"Wind beneath my w--" Ow!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【585】-

Modern.Family.S04E06
Jay, should I get rid of this?
The hat, the jacket, or the cane?
Actually, yes. Just yes.
We're having a yard sale for our social
studies class
to raise money for UNICEF.
The point is for us to learn about global
altruism.
No, the point is for us
to raise more money than Miss Cooper's
class
so we get a pizza and a pool party.
Your cynicism makes me sad for our world.
Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a
pizza.
I hate garage sales.
Bunch of shady characters going through my
stuff.
Why can't I just write a check?
Relax, Jay.
It's just a couple of people in the
driveway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts.
Then it's, "It's just a local call."
"Can I use your bathroom?"
"My mother needs to lie down."
No, it just stinks.
He did write a check.
The less he knows, the better.
You're not even here anymore.
But it's my stuff.
Where's mom? Luke, take me to mom.
And move slow. I'm still drunk
-ing my coffee. Mom!
What's the problem?
Tell Luke not to sell my stuff?
Honey, come on. Give it up.
Even John Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer
poster anymore.
It's signed by him.
It's time you knew-- they come that way.
But it's "To Haley."
In a different color. Your dad wrote that.
Ew! He wrote "my body is a wonderland."
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【586】-
Modern.Family.S04E06
I didn't catch that till after.
Mom, is it okay if Michael comes to the yard
sale?
Well, honey, didn't you see him last night?
So? Why don't you like my boyfriend?
I do like him.
I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay.
Yes, when Michael took me to prom,
I questioned his sexuality.
But then... we made out.
A couple times.
There was even a little... under-the-shirt
action.
His chest is very smooth.
Heads up! Coming through!
I am glad you're finally getting rid of that
thing.
What? I'm not selling this bad boy.
I was gonna meet you at your dad's
and get a little exercise on the way.
What's,what's your beef with my streets
rider?
Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in
elvish.
It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up.
I hope you mean into the garage,
Because I have friends on this street.
Honey, you finally found something less
cool,
than those pants that zip off into shorts.
My shants, which you have been gunning for
since day one.
Does it matter to any of you
that this is actually an extremely
efficient cardiovascular workout
that could prolong my life?
Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And with
whom?
Remember, everyone, this is for charity.
Every dollar we earn helps a diseased
child,
a starving child, an abused child.
Now have fun!
Speaking of starving children, here's my
contribution.
Six pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore

Because I've lost 25 pounds.
That's like... one, two, three children's
bowling balls.
- Mm, bravo! - Very nice.
Hey, Cam?
Are--are you really getting rid of all
these?
I mean, they're almost new. It's...
Well, what if you, um--
What if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight
back on?
No! No.
No, what if you--
You think of some creative art project that
requires denim?
You know, something farm or Kelly
Clarkson-themed?
- Or... - I've already done so much with
that motif.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge,
Which, for the record, is not how I lost
this weight.
Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight,
he gets rid of his big pants.
And then when he puts the weight back on,
he has to buy them all new again.
It's--it's a nightmare.
Just put the jeans in the car while he's
in the house.
No, dad! That's incredibly dis--
I'm gonna do that. Yeah.
Where you think you're going with those?
Oh, these aren't for sale.
Hey, this is for charity.
You know you're taking those jeans out of
the hands
of some needy, giant children.
You know they're not getting the actual
jeans, right, Luke?
Oh. Right. Well, then how about a donation?
- 20 bucks? - 100.
Sure. What's it to you
if some kid gets sick bathing in poo river,
Africa?
How much for the ashtray?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【587】-
Modern.Family.S04E06
I don't know. What's the tag say?
50 cents. But there's a chip in it.
Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket
on my lawn,
next to some old corn on the cob handles.
I'll give you 35.
You're wearing a $10,000 watch.
You're hagglig over 15 cents?
You live in this place, and you can't let
that 15 cents go?
Fine. 35.
- Can you break a 50? - Get out.
Manny.
What is this case doing here?
I found it in the attic.
Why? What is it?
Nothing that concerns you.
It's from Colombia.
- But I thought you said-- - You thought
nothing.
It's going back in the attic, and I want
no more questions.
Why?
That's a question.
That was weird.
Too weird.
I wonder what's in there.
Wake up, Delgado.
Locked box, from Colombia,
"No more questions"?
It's obviously a human head.
Why is that always your first guess?
One of these days, I'm gonna be right.
No way!
You're selling the Harley?
No, I'm just trying to move it out of the
way.
Some asshat offered me 100 bucks for it.
But with the baby coming, I guess I am gonna
sell it.
Oh, she's a beaut.
What, you wouldn't be interested in it,
would you?
Why wouldn't I be?
Well, I just never thought of you a
motorcyle kinda guy.

I would be if Claire would ever let me have
one.
You can have a motorcycle if you want.
Can I also have an affair with my super hot
receptionist?
What super hot receptionist?
Don't change the subject!
Now what would everybody like for lunch?
You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you
don't want one.
But don't blame it on me. I'm fine with it.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing
in the world,
but it is sexy.
Yes. A lot more sexy than that crazy machine
you rode up on.
Is that something that your doctor make you
use?
All right, I'm gonna take this around back,
unless you'd like to go for a test-drive.
Sure. Let's go. Not too fast.
Precious cargo.
I'm not taking you, sweetheart.
I'm driving?
Awesome!
I'm terrified of motorcycles,
but sometimes you have to do things to show
the world
you're still a man.
Same reason I got that henna tattoo.
Japanese symbol for "Courage."
Yeah.
Oh, Michael's here! Hi, Michael!
Well, well, well. What is this all about?
Is there a-a new man in Alex's life?
Well, she certainly thinks so.
Is there any way that boy is straight?
Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking
at?
Uh, it's Alex's new "Boyfriend" Michael.
What's up with the air quotes?
She thinks he's gay.
I "Think" he's gay the same way
I "Think" that lamp is hideous.
Ok, brought it. Made it art class.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【588】-
Modern.Family.S04E06
Look, I like michael. I really do.
I just--I don't want her to get her heart
broken.
When it comes to boys,
her self-esteem is low enough as it is.
I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.
Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside.
Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
By all means, look right at me when you say
that.
If she wants to get her heart broken by a
gay guy,
she can do so when she's 18 or 19
and can drink her way through it.
Aw. You're a "Good mother."
I don't know, Claire. You could be wrong.
Boys aren't as concerned about traditional
masculinity anymore.
You know, they're not butching it up.
They're not pushing down their feelings.
- Yeah, they care about their clothes. -
Mm-hmm.
- They--they--they groom. - Mm-hmm.
Everybody's hairless.
Yeah, you can't tell anything anymore.
Really?
Uncle Mitch, uncle Cam, this is Michael.
- Hi! - Hello.
Okay, come on.
- Yep, he's gay. - We stand corrected.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now be careful.
- I don't want you to crash. -Oh, oh.
- I don't want the bike all scratched up.
- Oh.
And don't be nervous.
People make mistakes when they're nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I've had bigger hogs than this between my
legs.,
He really oughta run things through his
head first.
Yeah.
I know I looked super cool on the outside,
But on the inside, I was terrified.

And then I remembered
that Fonzie once put together a whole
motorcycle while blind.,
And I thought,
That was a great show,
And I got really distracted and--and I
forgot I was scared.
So I headed up the canyon and I left the
city behind.
I'd never felt so exhilarated.
I don't know exactly when it happened,
But somewhere on that lonely road...
the bike and I became one.
Ohh. Oh, no.
No. Oh, you're heavy!
No! Ohh!
Lock the door.
Okay, let's do this.
No matter what we find in here,
I will always love my mother.
Even if it's a head?
It's not a head.
Oh, my god! It's a head!
Ah! Finally!
Mitchell!
I was just in the car, and I found my fat
pants in there.
Do you know anything about that?
What? No! No. Did you forget to put 'em out?
No. Remember? I posed, people clapped. .
I had my moment
I do remember that.
That-- oh, that was a great moment.
I am so proud of you.
What's going on? You're being weird.
What? First, I'm a pants thief
And--and now I can't pay you a compliment?
You know who's being weird? You.
Here comes Claire! Hey, girl!
I don't know what that was.
Okay, I just saw Alex and Michael sittin'
in a tree.
Don't make me spell this out for you.
Well, what can you do?
I can't do anything, but you two could talk
to her.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【589】-
Modern.Family.S04E06
And tell her what?
Michael's playing for the pink team.
Okay, we get to say that. You don't really.
I know, because you have credibility,
And I have the opposite of credibility. I
have...
I am a mother.
Okay, we're not doing this.
- No. - Well, now hold on. Just a minute.
You know, when I was... young and straight,
I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock
star.
I'm not proud of it.
Ah, you're kinda proud of it.
You work it into a lot of conversations.
He brought it up yesterday.
Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry
cleaner
And not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo
Martinizer?,
Can we get back to my problem?
You don't have a problem, okay? They're
kids.
They're gonna work it out.
Can you talk to her?
Not when she's like this.
Oh, you mean Alex.
Yeah. I'll do it.
Thank you.
Claire, kids,
If you're seeing this, then they found my
body.
Or I finally got a signal and I sent it to
you in an e-mail.
In that case, I'll just call, but...
But sometimes you can actually get
a pretty decent data signal and no voice.
I know I'm not making any sense.
I've been trapped out here now for...
27 minutes.
I'm such an idiot.
Why did I bring this stupid motorcycle out
here?
To prove I'm a man?
I am a man.
Mom.

Manny, what's this doing here?
If you don't mind, we'll be asking the
questions now.
I do mind.
I apologize.
We couldn't help ourselves.
But I've gotta know.
Why were you hiding this?
Love this! Sold!
What's the story here?
I don't want to talk about it!
Aw! Cute!
Oh, where'd that come from?
It's my mom's. She's being very cagey.
We think something's stashed in the head.
It's from Colombia.
Mom, what's the big deal?
Okay, fine.
When I was young, I was in a beauty pageant.
All the other girls, for their talent,
were juggling knives, as they always do.
But I wanted to stand out,
so I came up with...
Uncle Grumpy.
Okay. Never been so happy.
Not leaving till I see it.
Hit it, Gloria.
Excuse me, how much is this vase?
It's yours. Take it.
So what do you need here?
A stool? Glass of water?
How do we make this happen?
Let's go. I need to see this.
You see nothing.
That pageant was one of the worst nights
of my life.
After weeks of rehearsing,
I froze, and we were speechless.
Aw, and you lost.
No. I won.
Imagine this when I was 18.
But it was very humiliating.
I don't want to do it ever again.
And yet, you kept him all these years.
Maybe there's a part of you that wants to
work through this,
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【590】-
Modern.Family.S04E06
get some closure.
You're wrong, whoever you are.
It's going on 31 minutes.
I feel so alone.
I gotta get my leg free.
Why didn't I wear my shants?!
Hey, guys. Check it out.
You like my new bracelet?
Ooh, cute.
It's an old curtain ring Michael saw over
there.
He braided three leather shoelaces around
it
And voila.
You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me
so much
of me and my first girlfriend
Annabelle Pickett.
Huh? You had a girlfriend?
Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too.
So one year, I asked her to go
to the church bazaar lip sync contest with
me,
and we did our version of "Endless Love"...
which was ironic because two weeks later,
I fell head over heels
for a young square-jawed rodeo ticket taker
named Woody Ray.
Oh, no.
Of course, she was devastated, just
destroyed her.
And then she spray-painted something
unrepeatable
on my daddy's barn
and never spoke to me again.
Wow, and all because
she wanted you to be something you just
weren't.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Ugh. Stop. I get it.
I know what you think about Michael, mom.
You didn't have to bring in your big gay
guns to back you up.
No offense.
- None taken. - I kinda like it.
Okay. Honey, I am worried about you.

I don't want you to get hurt.
I told them that this was a bad idea, all
right?
You know, maybe Michael's gay. Maybe he's
not.
He is.
Your mother just wants you to have all the
information
so that--that you can go slow.
Uncle Mitchell, he's straight.
We kissed.
Oh, honey, I...
I kissed a lot of girls when I wanted to
be straight.
And your uncle cam kissed some, too, he
says.
But that's neither here nor there.
What's important is that you make your
own--where--
Wait, where are you going?
It's not the olden days anymore, you guys.
I can just ask him.
- Hope you're happy. - I'm not.
That "Olden days" comment was like a punch
to the gut.
She may as well have spray-painted it on
my daddy's barn.
Yeah, I'm done with this.
Where's he going?
Hey, you got any bread?
I wanna make sure this thing till works.
Yeah, that' not gonna happen.
Oh, it doesn't have to be bread.
I mean, I can get the information I need
From, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Look, kid,
You're just gonna have to roll the dice on
this one.
I don't know.
What's your return policy?
You return, I call the police.
Where'd you get that?
- From the kitchen. - Give me that!
You selling the pot-bellied pig?
Get out of my driveway.
You're not a pig.
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Modern.Family.S04E06
You're daddy's little girl.
There you are.
Hey. Sorry.
I got lost in this "Elle decor".
Justin Timberlake is designing his own home
line,
and I'm trying to reserve judgment.
Michael I have to ask you something.
I want you to know it's okay either way.
But...
Are you gay?
What?
No! I'm not!
I--I took you to prom.
I kissed you.
Unless you're a boy, I'm pretty sure I'm
straight.
Are--are you a boy?
No.
Right. So then I'm straight.
I didn't mean to make you mad.
I'm not mad. I'm just...
Angry.
I'm sorry.
And those are synonyms.
You just know everything today.
Can you just give me a minute?
Hey, Can I help you?
Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm gay?
God, I hate yard sales.
Thank you.
Sorry for snooping around and finding your
old man doll.
In colombia, if you snoop around the wrong
box,
you might end up inside that box.
I shouldn't have done it.
Now I feel bad for Manny.
What do you mean?
Well, I don't know.
He's always talking about how brave you
are,
how you're not afraid of anything.
Now... he just seems a little sad.
How sad?
Don't worry. It's a good thing.

He needs a little dose of reality.
You walk around school,
telling everyone how great your mommy is
all the time,
you find yourself on the business end of
a wedgie.
I know how to push buttons to get what I
want.
And what I want is to see a puppet show.
J'accuse!
I'm sorry. One more time?
It's just a dramatic way of accusing you...
Of stashing my fat pants in a bush!
- Saboteur! - That's a second way.
How... could... you?
And a third.
Why, Mitchell? Why?
Cam... oh, come on.
All right, the...
This is a little hard to say, but...
Every time you get rid of these pants,
You have to buy them all over again,
and you get depressed, all right?
This is just a way to have a safety net.
I can't have a safety net, Mitchell.
Otherwise, I won't be successful and keep
the weight off.
Have you ever thought of that?
No. No, I didn't.
You know, you're not the only one who
remembers
all the times I failed.
You're right.
I--I should support you more. I'm--I'm
sorry.
I'm happy to hear you say that.
Well, I'm happy you're happy.
Well, I hope you both are happy.
Michael's not gay. Now he hates me.
Thanks a lot.
You see?
This is exactly why I didn't want to get
involved.
Now I feel terrible.
These feelings would go good with pie.
There he is!
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【592】-
Modern.Family.S04E06
Sweetheart, do you love it?
No, Claire, I do not love it.
Oh, that's too bad 'cause you look so cool
on that.
Do I, Claire? Do I really?
What happened?
It's a long story. Check your in-box.
But suffice it to say, I'm not buying that
motorcycle.
- Uh-huh. - I know what I am, Clare.
I'm not a rider. I'm a strider.
I hope that's sexy enough for you.
Well, I can see stuff.
Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it.
It's not like I have another pair of pants.
Oh, uh, today is your lucky day.
It's for a good cause.
You might need a belt.
Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size.
Don't do that.
Copy.
Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
I don't know. She looks okay.
Oh, looks like they made up.
If she would just listen to me,
I could help her avoid so much pain.
Give it a rest. She's 14, all right?
No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna
last.
Mm, you're right.
Well, at leas with a gay kid,
you know she's gonna get a great flower
arrangement.
Should've seen the one I made Annabelle.
Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous...
Till she pulled it apart and spelled "Homo"
on my porch.
This doesn't make me feel any better.
Gather around everybody.
I want you to meet somebody.
Oh, but that might.
Uncle Grumpy.
Luke's wise words got to me.
I needed my son to respect me again.
More than that, I needed to respect myself.
Holy maracas!
 Modern.Family.S04E06
I think I sat on the right lap!
Uncle Grumpy, we're in public.
Ay, look at all those white faces!
I see we made it over the wall.
Uncle grumpy, are you in a bad mood?
Damn right I am! I just came from the
movies.
A whole day's pay to see "Basic instinct."
Oh. And what did you think?
Basically, it stinked.
You're so grumpy.
Damn right I am!
I just met the girl of my dreams.
Ay, that's such great news.
No. She gave me the termites.
Gloria, I'm just gonna--
Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this
is.
I'm outta here.
- You're leaving? - Damn right.
The only difference between this and a home
invasion
is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
Oh, my god. She married her puppet.
Uncle Grumpy!
Can anyone hear me?!
Please help me!
I don't wanna die!
If I had to make a playlist
for being trapped under a motorcycle,
It'd be, um...
"Stuck in the middle," "Hit the road Jack,"
Um, anything by Heavy D.
Ooh, Pointer sisters, "Neutron dance."
Turns out today wasn't
the first day of the rest of my life.
Oh, my goodness.
There's some DVDs in a shoe box in, uh,my
closet
that I was holding for... a buddy.
Um, you can go ahead and just throw the
whole box away.
I'm so hungry.
I don't know how long I'm gonna be out here.
I gotta ration my food.
I said no tomatoes!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【593】-
 Modern.Family.S04E07
to put you out.
Modern.Family.S04E07 She's got a daughter behind bars
- Night. - No. and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad
- Middle of the phone. I got it. - Get it. parent?
- Oh! My arm's asleep! My arm's asleep! - - You didn't defend me. - Because she didn't
Get the phone. say anything.
Phil, get the phone. Why are you protecting her?
That's me. Hello! Hi. Why is no one protecting me?
Yes, this is she. No.
Who is it? Ay! Answer! Answer!
Okay. Oh, God. This better be good.
Tell me what's happening here! Haley got arrested for drinking.
Haley has been arrested. We gotta go bail her out.
What? Do you still have a connection to that judge
Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. upstate?
I was just dreaming it was raining - He died. - Ay! Who died?
chickens! An old friend of mine.
Mitchell, answer the phone! Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Look what I am doing. Look what I am doing, He died five years ago.
huh? Then why are they calling us in the middle
- Hello? - Hey, Mitchell. of the night
I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got to wake us up?!
arrested. Nobody died. Haley's in jail.
Oh, God. Haley got arrested. Okay. That makes more sense.
That explains the chickens. Claire has to go bail her out.
It does. It adds up. Okay. Give me that.
What's she get arrested for? Claire, listen to me--
Oh, she got caught drinking at some party. Take a lot of cash.
Look, could you drive up to the college with And when you flash it to the police,
us? Do not speak about it.
- I think we're gonna need a lawyer. - Yes, Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?
of course. I heard the phone. Who died?
And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Jay's friend.
Alex and Luke. Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
I'll guard them with my life. Okay. I can't do this again.
I hate to bother him. It's breakfast
No, no, don't be silly. He's happy to do It's breakfast time
it. It's breaky breaky time
Okay, we'll be over in a little bit. Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice.
Oh, I get it. What are you doing here? Where are my
When you told Claire I would come over and parents?
watch the kids, Well, the school called, and your sister
She was resistant won a big award.
because she doesn't trust my parenting Nice try. The only person
skills. who would believe that Would be Haley.
No. Don't be silly. She just didn't want She's in jail.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【594】-

Jail?
Lily, what did I say?
That it was only a matter of time.
Okay, no. Didn't say that.
Okay, so here's the truth.
Your sister was caught drinking.
But it's no big deal.
Your parents are there taking care of it
right now.
So...
This is so awesome!
I hope she hits the weights
so she's totally ripped when she gets out.
Okay. Let's change the subject.
Have a seat. Have some breakfast.
See if there's anything on that plate you
like a lot.
Is this bacon?
Of course it is, silly.
Been on a little bit of a health kick
lately,
so I took a vegan cooking class,
and my new thing is "Fakon."
It's like real bacon.
Except for the look, the texture, and the
taste.
Maybe the store-bought kind.
But I make my own, so it's not even real
fakon.
It's faux-fakon. "Faux-kon."
It's faux-kon disgusting.
You can't tell the difference.
And guess which one's the real one?
That one.
That one.
Still that one.
This is the best bacon I've ever had.
Oh, well.
I can't wait to tell your uncle ,Mitchell
that you love it.
Why would uncle Mitch care?
Because, my dear,
that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at
all,
No, no, no.
It's made entirely of soy.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【595】-
Modern.Family.S04E07
Luke's allergic to soy!
His throat closes! He can't breathe!
- Hello? - Never mind!
Okay, okay.
We have to, uh, get you to the, uh,
hospital!
Lily! Come on, baby.
Okay, Luke! Put the fakon down!
I'm using it to scratch my throat!
- Okay. Okay. Let's go. Come on. - Go.
Cam? C-cam?
That was weird.
Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a
little bit?
Since when do you drive at speed limit?
My daughter has been arrested for drinking.
I would like her to sit in jail and think
about that.
As a matter of fact, I might stop
and do a little outlet shopping.
Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses,
huh?
Honey...
Try to relax.
I don't feel like relaxing, Phil!
She has been in college for six weeks.
Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at
first.
I remember one night freshman year,
a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team
got a case of zima. Enough zaid.
More than enough.
I'm not gonna lie.
Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is
under pressure.
It's like...
like I'm the one who's overreacting.
That's good. Let it out. It's g--
I'm going to kill you.
Jay, do you have some time today?
We need to go and pick out a stroller.
Just get whatever you want.
I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
What I want is a husband
who likes to go shopping for a stroller with
me.

If you had a husband who liked picking out
strollers,
you wouldn't be having a baby.
So who wants to come with me
to the Spoken Word Festival this evening?
I only have two tickets,
so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
I think it's gonna be you.
Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so
tired.
You just woke up. How are you tired?
Maybe because I'm turning food into a
human!
Jay will take you.
Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word
festival,
but I'm already going to the
I'd-rather- blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
I can't believe this.
I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
With a heated pool.
Manny, vamos. You're gonna be late for
school.
Oh, jeez.
Hello, DeDe.
Good morning, Jay. Namaste.
Let's not do this.
Oh, fine, silly.
I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai,
and since I'm passing through town,
I thought I'd pick up that photo album.
You know, it's really not a good time.
Oh, please.
All right. I'll meet you on the street.
Drive by slow with the window open.
I was dreading DeDe finding out that
Gloria's pregnant.
It's one thing DeDe's hung on to,
that she's the mother of my kids.
And considering their history...
I-I wanna...
- rip your head off! - What?
No! Please stop it! Whoa!
Eh? No! DeDe!
I wasn't exactly looking forward to round
four,
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especially now that Gloria's a bigger,
slower target.
I'd normally be having breakfast right now.
Hi, dad.
Hey, Claire. Any updates?
Not yet, but we're almost there.
Last time you were over at the house,
you were looking at that photo album.
What'd you do with it?
Oh, dad, that was me.
I think I put it on the shelf behind the
bar.
What are you doing there?
They asked me to come along
in case they needed a lawyer.
Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?
Oh, God. Should we?
I am a real lawyer, people.
Environmental law is a thing.
Don't get all sensitive on me.
I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do.
I-I defend pandas in court.
That's adorable.
You know what I'm talking about.
Haley needs somebody who knows criminal
law,
like Perry Mason.
Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry
Mason is?
Oh, hell.
Hello, DeDe. How're you doing?
Oh, mostly fine.
I have something called a telescoping
uterus.
- Long story. - Aw, jeez.
Out of my way!
- Out of my way! - I can't breathe!
This boy can't breathe.
He's having a severe allergic reaction.
No. You're squeezing me.
He needs medicine. His throat is closing
up.
Okay. Hold on.
We have an allergic reaction.
A young boy. Obstructed breathing.

What happened?
Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon...
That was so good, he couldn't tell the
difference.
Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
Cam, it's Claire. My phone died.
I just wanted to make sure the kids got to
school okay.
Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't
they have?
- I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?
- Right here.
What was that?
Oh, I'm just watching an original Lifetime
movie
called "The boy who can't breathe."
That sounded like Alex.
Nope. Just Amanda Bynes. Okay, gotta go.
Cam. Cam?
That's weird.
Can you believe how many waffle places we
passed?
I can't believe how much dad belittles me.
What were there? Five? Six?
I edited the law review.
I passed the bar on my first try.
I have a briefcase.
I'm counting them on the way back.
Can we focus?
Uh, hi. We're here for Haley Dunphy.
I'm Mitchell Pritchett. I'm Miss Dunphy's
attorney.
She won't be needing a lawyer today.
Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that.
I'd like to confer with my client now. Thank
you.
All you have to do is post bail, and she's
all yours.
Really? Oh. That--that's fantastic.
Sir, I am in no mood
- to defend my daughter today, believe me.
- Okay.
But do you think it is the best use of
resources
to lock up college kids who've had a few
drinks?
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Ma'am, your daughter was charged with
resisting arrest
and assaulting a police officer.
What?
You probably should have called a real
lawyer,
'Cause I don't... I'm not...
Look, this has gotta be some kind of
mistake.
Our daughter's tiny.
There's no way she assaulted anyone.
Insulted, maybe.
Was--was the cop wearing white socks and
dark shoes?
'Cause that really sets her off.
Maybe you should watch this.
Stop!
Put your hands where I can see 'em!
Okay. Now that's very blurry footage.
How can we be sure that that's Haley?
Don't you move.
Don't hurt me! I'm just a student!
I'm Haley Dunphy!
So hot.
Hot in here.
How long is this gonna take?
I should be in school. I'm missing biology
right now.
You're in a hospital. Just step out into
the hallway.
Listen to the nurses and doctors talk.
You'll learn more about science and
humanity here
than you would in a classroom in an entire
semester.
Attention!
If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says
"Theresa,"
then only Theresa gets to eat it!
Drama. Soak it in.
- Oh, good god. - Okay, Luke,
the opening is supposed to be in the back.
No way. I don't want people to see my butt.
Do I have to get another shot?
Are you going to cry again?
- Should she be here? - Okay. You know what?

Nobody's getting any more shots.
We just have to wait for the swelling to
go down.
All right? I'm gonna go check on a little
paperwork.
I'll be right back.
But if it doesn't go down,
that leg might have to come off.
Sweet. Take them both.
Then I could get some of those blade legs
and finally be able to dunk.
How you feeling, champ?
What do we got here?
The patient presents bronchial
inflammation,
Dermal pruritus, and minor angioedema.
Who can tell me the cause?
It's an allergic reaction to soy.
Very good.
The rest of you have a lot to learn. Let's
keep moving.
Stay with Luke.
What is taking so long?
Well, in my experience, these things can
take time.
So... settle in. This--this could be a
while.
There she is.
Damn it.
Oh, thank god.
- You're okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, mom.
Oh! What the hell were you thinking?
What happened?
It's not a big deal, okay?
There was a party, and people were
drinking...
so the police showed up,
and everybody ran, so I did, too.
And I started climbing down this fire
escape...
And then I heard a cop yell to put your hands
up,
so I did and I fell... onto him.
You could have been killed.
Haley, you're supposed to be an adult.
How could you do something so childish...
Modern.Family.S04E07
- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - And so stupid?
Let's calm down. We're all a little tired
and cranky.
Best thing we can do right now
is get out of here, go get some waffles--
I don't want waffles, Phil, okay?
I'm upset and I want to deal with this.
All right, I got some bad news here.
Um, this afternoon,
Haley has to appear before a disciplinary
board,
which will decide whether or not she gets
kicked out of school.
What?
Oh, wait. Wait, no. I got that wrong.
Oh, no, I got it right!
Yes! Score. One for me.
It's what it sounds like.
It literally telescopes.
You see, what happens is...
DeDe, I hate to rush this,
but I'm late for a meeting.
And it's been great seeing you, but can I
walk you out?
Okay. Sure.
Ay, Jay, it's so weird.
The moment I came through the door,
the baby started kicking like crazy,
like it's trying to claw its way out of me.
Bruja!
Oh, my god.
What is she doing here?
You're going to have a baby?
I don't believe it.
Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this.
What's happening?
Her brain. It snapped.
Oh! You're going to be a father again at
your age.
And here you were thinking
you would just sail off into the sunset
with your beautiful young wife,
not a care in the world.
This is fantastic!
I think my uterus just fixed itself.
Don't ask.

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-【598】-

Oh no. Who lives like this?
When I had a dorm room, it was...
oh--it was spotless.
Can we just agree that girls are dirtier
than boys?
- What should we do? - Well, I'd like to
start
by picking up some of these clothes. Then--
I meant about the hearing, Felix.
Do we have a game plan?
I think the best thing we can do is
walk in there as a family
and let them know we support Haley no matter
what.,
At this rate, we are going to be supporting
Haley
for the rest of our lives.
Okay. Oh, I...
I just sat on half a peach, so I--no.
I can't do this. I'm--I'm waiting outside.
Disgusting.
What are you wearing?
What? What's wrong with it?
Honey, you are fighting for your future
in front of a disciplinary committee,
not entertaining the Secret Service.
In "Legally Blonde," Elle won her case
because she was true to herself and dressed
cute.
Haley, this is real life,
not an excellent movie.
Honey, just put on something else,
and take down the makeup.
Why are you guys acting like this is my
fault?
Everybody was drinking, everybody ran.
I just got caught.
If anything, I'm the victim here.
What?! Just stop-- just stop talking,
Haley.
You're not the victim here. You're the one
who screwed up!
You made one bad decision after another,
and now you're about to blow everything
your mother and I worked so hard to give
you.
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And the worst thing is, you don't seem to
care.
We all got up at 3:00 a.m. this morning
to bail you out of jail!
We haven't eaten a thing,
and you know what I haven't heard from you
yet?
"I'm sorry, mom. I screwed up, dad.
Please forgive me."
Now put on some real clothes.
We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be
late!
Come on.
Where are you going?
To get that man a waffle.
There. There. Did you feel it kicking?
Oh, yes! Oh, I remember those.
Yeah, Claire kicked me as soon as she grew
legs,
and she didn't stop until she was 4.
Not Manny.
He was so calm,
I think that he was reading in there.
This is beautiful.
Look at you two, having a conversation like
old friends.
Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's
not choking me.
I'm sorry.
I went through a bad patch there
when I was trying to find the right balance
with my Meds.
I recently discovered my cat Frances
buried in the backyard.
I'm just praying that she died first.
Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one
day.
Oh, well, she is a... funny-looking thing.
Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.
Turns out Gloria being pregnant
somehow made DeDe think of her as less
trophy, more human.
And all the animosity she had for Gloria
just wafted up in the air...
I hope you're hiring a nanny,
because this one won't lift a finger.
 Modern.Family.S04E07
And landed right on top of me. We sit next to each other in econ.
I don't remember him changing a single - Oh, right. - Don't.
diaper. It insults both of us.
What's that supposed to mean? Mostly me.
You can't even remember killing your cat. Move it along, Aidan.
Oh, I don't think I did. This is a disciplinary hearing, not JDate.
But I'm sure that you never changed any You are charged with public drunkenness,
diapers. resisting arrest, and assaulting a police
It's just that you were better at it than officer,
I was. all of which obviously violate our school's
Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night code of conduct.
feedings Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my
and cleaning spit-up, too. client...
You know what? Who are you?
He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller I'm Mitchell Pritchett,
or a blanket or a bouncy chair. I'm Miss Dunphy's attorney.
Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own. We require students to speak for
He was just useless. themselves.
You poor thing. There are no attorneys allowed. You
Makes all sense now why you became so crazy. shouldn't even be here.
Right? What if I just sat in this chair and I was
Listen to me, Jay Pritchett. really super quiet
If you don't change your useless ways, and I just listen?
You're gonna make me crazy, too! I'll allow it.
Like DeDe! Knock it off, Aidan.
Gloria. Gloria. Miss Dunphy, is there anything
I just love our little visits. you would like to say in your defense?
Mom, I'm home! Actually, I have no defense.
Oh, hi, Manny. I was drinking. I am underage.
DeDe. How are you? I ran from the police.
Good. And even though it was an accident, I
DeDe. It's me. injured an officer.
How are you really? I am very, very sorry.
I'm on a better path. I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've
It's a journey. been here,
Thank you for asking, Manny. and it's time I take some responsibility.
And thank you for your letters. Like sometimes in the dining hall,
It's a lost art. I slip my pinky under the scale when they
No one puts pen to paper anymore. weigh my salad.
Haley Dunphy? Also, I've missed more morning classes than
Yes, that's me. I've been to.
I'm Dean Miller with admissions. I don't know what the policy is on dating
- This is Professor Williams. - Hi. T.A.S,
And this is our student representative, But I think I broke it.
- Aidan Feldman. - Nice to meet you. - Twice. - Oh, man.
Seriously? Oh, and if we're gonna be completely

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-【600】-
 Modern.Family.S04E07
honest, Believe me,Dede wasn't the only one having
on my application to get in here, sleepless nights.
- I lied about the fact that I was-- - Uh, But now it's different.
objection! Now I can help you with everything.
- On what grounds? - Oh, he gets to say it?! Really?
He gets to-- Let's start right now.
Miss Dunphy, Miss Dunphy, - I like that one. - Which one?
We appreciate your... candor. That silver stroller.
Is there anything else you'd like to add? No, we're going to get the green one.
Go, wildcats? Great. What's next?
Oh, boy. How about I pick out the wrong crib?
That's not even our mascot. How you doing, Alex?
What does this do? I'm fine, except for the crushing blow
I don't know, but thanks Obama, you're of knowing I'll never be a doctor.
paying for it. Or have a baby.
Hey. You're looking a lot better. How you I wonder what's going on with Haley.
feeling? I don't know.
Better than kidney stones over there. I've been so petty about your mom judging
Yeah, you know what? Now that you're doing my parenting,
better, I haven't even thought about what she's
I think I should call your mom and tell her going through today.
what happened. I feel awful. You know what? I should call
You know, I know it was a bit of a rough her.
ride in the beginning, What are you talking about? Mom thinks
but the important thing is, is I handled you're a great parent.
it. She does?
- And everybody's okay. - What happened to Yeah, she just thinks you can't bake.
her? Hello?
- Hello? - She passed out watching a Never mind.
C-section. Making a child is the easy part.
Cam? The hard part is everything that comes
Never mind! after.
What are you looking for? Keeping them safe...
Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because Well, you can tell your mother that my
I'm angry! scones
Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby. are appropriately crunchy on the outside
I am not young like with Manny. while delightfully dense on the ins--
I am tired already, Saw that. Saw it.
and it's gonna get harder from here! Making sacrifices for them...
I can't do this on my own, Hey, kid.
and you did this to me, I'll take you to that poetry reading thing
so you're going to be here this time! tonight.
Back then, we were living paycheck to Actually, Dede and I were just talking.
paycheck. She's a huge fan of spoken word...
the reason I wasn't around is I was working And I would love to escort him.
all the time. - Please. - Go.

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-【601】-
 Modern.Family.S04E07
And standing by them, even when they let
you down.
I really am sorry.
We appreciate that.
It's good that you stepped up today.
Yeah. Sometimes it's healthy to get a fresh
start.
I can't believe this. What am I gonna do?
Well, they said you could reapply next
year.
In the meantime, you're gonna get a job
and you're gonna take some classes.
Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot
more serious.
- Good for you. - Yeah.
Where are my keys?
Oh, they're right there on the makeup
table.
Oh, honey...
That's a desk.
Oh, my god. What are you doing here?
I got kicked out.
So go ahead, make your jokes. Get it out
of your system.
No, that's horrible. I'm so sorry.
It'll be fine. I'm sure of it.
Thank you.
Ew, what did you do to my room?!
Well, it's not exactly your room.
It's--it's mine.
This goes. This goes. I hate that.
- This is ugly. - Haley, stop!
- Mom! - Mom!
What is this? A solar system?
It's molecules.
They're nerdy balls.
Alex, don't fight with her.
She might have a shiv.
We cool?

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-【602】-

Modern.Family.S04E08
And we have liftoff.
Yello? House of the future.
Phil, you have two whole days to yourself.
Please tell me you're not gonna spend them
trying to wire the house to your ipad.
Nope, 'cause I've already done it.
I think when you get home,
you're gonna be very surprised to see that
this house
has an actual functioning brain in it.
Great. Great.
Now go out and see some friends.
I'm headed out now.
I have a third showing at that colonial.
Cam gave me a free pass to his gym.
I am--not too bright.
I am--
Dim!
Honey, if you could hear yourself.
Promise me you'll go outside and play.
Miss you, too.
Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025.
Welcome. You're the first one here.
Shall we hit the waterslide first?
I may just sit in the room for a bit.
Ugh! Stop moping!
So you didn't get a date to one stupid
dance.
It's not one stupid dance.
It's the kickoff to the whole dance season.
It's like you've never heard boys talk.
Hi. We are here for the academic challenge.
It's under "Dunphy."
or it could be under "Returning champion."
Not sure how they file these things.
Alex wins things, which is great.
But she puts so much pressure on herself.
I... I almost wish she would lose this year.
Plus, that way, I could go on the
waterslide.
It's got a corkscrew, 2-second freefall,
And a radar gun at the bottom.
I'm Phil.
Nothing from the minibar, and no
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【603】-
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pay-per-view.
Can we at least--
No, you may not send things out for
pressing.
Honey, we have an hour until the
competition.
Do you want to go to the contestants mixer?
No, I don't want to humanize them.
Can you believe this is my first bar
mitzvah?
You'll love it. I heard the gift bags have
smartphones.
Jewish people are so awesome.
Oh, my god. Did you see that? She smiled
at me.
People get that way in dance season.
No girl's ever smiled at me like that.
Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah.
Why?
There was a connection.
I know this sounds crazy,
But I feel like my whole life has led to
this moment.
You made a very similar speech
to get my mom to stop for those churros.
Luke, I need you for this. You're sneakier
than I am.
You're a bigger liar. You have no moral
compass.
Look, thanks for all the compliments,
But breaking into one stupid party?
That's not even a challenge.
Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs?
Now it's interesting.
Cam, stop.
What? We have to get them out of there.
What's taking them?
We have the most amazing gift for Jay and
Gloria's nursery.
It was Cam's idea, and it's a pretty big
swing.
It's not a swing. It's not a swing.
I just need Jay and Gloria out of the house
for a minimum of four hours
So I can have my crew install it.
Simple.

Oh, please. If it were up to you,
we'd get them something off their gift
registry.
Oh, you mean the list of things
that they specifically said that they
wanted?
Oh, they don't know what they want.
...Before I snap his finger off!
Ay, no.
Jay was supposed to cancel. We cannot go
to lunch.
- Oh, no. - I am sorry,
but he's supposed to pick up the crib at
the store,
And I am too tired. The baby kicked me all
night.
It's either going to be a football player
or a chorus girl.
You can be both.
My senior year, I was a right-side
linebacker
And a left-side cancan dancer in "Gigi."
Wow, she really set you up for that one,
didn't she?
Yeah, when it came out of her mouth,
I nearly stopped breathing.
You didn't call them to cancel.
Sorry. You want gas money?
Don't pay attention to him.
He's been very grumpy lately.
Okay, here's a thought--
Mitchell, you go to the crib store with Jay.
That way I can spend some quality time
- with this pretty lady. - No, I'm going
to lay down.
No, no, I'm gonna take you both to lunch.
Okay? There, it's settled. Now go put a lip
on. Okay?
Fine. I guess you won't get in the way.
You mean it, pa? Really and for true?
I won't get in the way?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, yeah. The chairs are rocks.
Charlemagne.
You can get a 1-day cushion for $8,
or a 2-day for $12.
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-【604】-
Modern.Family.S04E08
Alex Dunphy.
Last year, I got 2 1-dayers--big mistake.
Who wrote the 95 theses?
My daughter went on to win the whole thing,
and all I could think was,
"I just flushed $4 down the toilet."
John Calvin.
Whoo! Alex!
I guess I just didn't want to presume
that we would be here for the two days.
But still, what kind of message
was I sending with the 1-dayer?
You "Whoo'd" Me?
What are you doing here?
I'm out. I got the question wrong,
which is embarrassing enough without you
"Whoo-ing" Me!
Alex! Alex, come back here. Don't!
Don't!
Wait, what are the last four numbers again?
It's kind of a lucky number for me.
It's the year "Footloose" came out.
Oh, yeah. And I really am gonna call you
for that rematch.
Anytime. I mean, not super late,
But... Wait,
you're a bulldog?
Yeah. You?
I knew there was something about you I
liked.
Oh, you mean besides me letting you win?
You know, we have a big game today.
You wanna watch it together?
Shoot. I'm--I'm late for a showing.
No pressure at all, but if you feel like
it,
we could watch it at my place. I could text
you the address.
All right. Well, thanks.
Hey, it was great meeting you, Phil.
You, too, Dave.
Hey, it's me.
Yeah, you were totally right about this
gym.
I just met the cutest guy.
What did I tell you?

That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells.
Redundant.
Well, I don't know much about him,
but he invited me over to his place
o watch a football game tonight.
Oh, my gosh, a date.
I have a good feeling about this.
Oh, well, don't start planning the wedding
yet.
I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a date
date.
You met him at hook-up central.
Of course it's a date date.
Am I even ready for a date date?
Tough love time, David--
Simon left you six months ago,
and you're bumming everyone out.
It's time to get back up on that horse.
Hope to see you tonight, Dave.
I can't remember the last time
a man made that sound for me.
She's not here. We have the wrong bar
mitzvah.
Not if you like prime rib, bubbie.,
You said to blend.
I picked up some expressions at the latke
station.
P.S.--They're hash browns.
We're not blending.
She's at one of the other two.
Come on.
Oh. Sorry.
Such a hurry, this one.
Come on.
That is too cute.
What the hell is that?
Oh, that's the store mascot. That's hugga
bunny.
- He goes around and he hugs-- - No, I get
it.
Nice for flu season.
He ought to be called conjunctivitis bunny.
Okay.
Uh, so, dad,
The cribs are over there, but while we're
here,
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Modern.Family.S04E08
a little advice--you can never have too
many onesies.
All right? Any event, day or night.
Throw one on, little pair of booties,
boom--ready to go out.
Dress it up, you could dress it down.
You could--dad?
Dad?
Something was clearly going on with my dad,
but I wasn't about to get sucked in.
It's happened before.
"Dad, you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?"
"Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?"
To use a sports reference,
put the football away, Lucy.,
I ain't kickin'.
So Saturday noon?
- Saturday noon's fine, Jay. - Yeah.
Hey, dad, I picked you up a diaper bag.
Fun fact-- this insulated pouch
will keep a bottle of prosecco cold
for an entire Wiggles concert.
Hi.
- Uh, Mitch, it's doctor-- - Bob Jensen.
Nice to meet you.
Jay, I will see you.
Yeah, I'll see you then. Good, Bob.
Doctor? Sweater vest?
My dad acting all shifty?
He was seeing a shrink.
"Dad, I can see that you're going through
something."
"And I can see your bra strap, Oprah.
Mind your own business."
Tee up the football all you want, Lucy.
Still ain't kickin'.
She clearly misheard the question.
The acoustics in here are terrible.
Especially for a little girl
- just getting over an ear infection. - Oh,
my god,
What are you doing?
- I was explaining your-- - Oh, I heard,
because my ears are fine.
I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.
I'm trying to help you.

You were not. You were trying to help you.
You're just mad because now you can't
parade me around
- like some show pony. - That is not true.
Oh, don't deny it. You bought the 2-day
cushion.
Who are you to judge?
Thank you for a fun day, okay? Good-bye.
- Good-bye? - Ay, cam, sorry,
But the lunch was two hours,
and then you had to show me your first
apartment.
Oh, could you believe how I used to live?
I really need to take a nap now.
No. No, no. No. No. No, no. No, no.
You know what? I have, uh, something I want
you to do
that's even more relaxing than a nap.
- Yeah. - No. I want to take a nap.
There's my man.
That's me. Your man.
I brought spinach dip. I don't know why.
I'll tell you why. 'cause it's delicious,
and you're an awesome guest.
- Get in here. - All right.
- How are you? - Good. You?
Good. Uh, by the way,
I left a message for my brother-in-law and
his partner
to join us, too.
Oh, more people. Good.
- Nice house, by the way. - Thanks.
Wait a minute. Is that your family?
Are you married?
Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house
to ourselves.
They're all out of town.
I am long overdue for a boys' night.
Oh, so your wife is okay with--
Oh, yeah. She suggested it.
She knows I need this every so often.
Long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine.
You ready for a margarita?
Sure.
Soothing, right?
You see, as the music relaxes the baby,
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you relax.
No, you're making the baby jump on my
bladder.
How can it relax listening to a song about
a hooker?
She's not a hooker, she's a private dancer.
A dancer for money.
She'll do what you want her to--
Oh, my gosh, I taught lily this song.
Excuse me.
Hello?
He's married.
To a woman.
Yeah, she's out of town.
I don't know. They must have
some sort of arrangement or something.
So what? If they know about it,
who cares?
You're not ready for a relationship anyway.
Just have some fun.
It feels weird. He has other people coming
over.
I think I'm gonna bail on this.
He's just feeling you out like you're
feeling him out.
I promise you, these other guests will
mysteriously cancel.
Hold on just a second, sweetie.
Hello?
Hey, you guys still coming?
Oh, I forgot to call you. We have to cancel.
No problem. Bye.
More margaritas for us.
The other guys just cancelled.
Are you still there?
You were right. The other guys just
cancelled.
See?
Now listen to me.
You're gonna have two margaritas.
Maybe start a third. Laugh at his jokes.
But not in that high falsetto thing.
Something more manly. Let's practice.
Hey, I'm not gonna laugh for you.
You can be very controlling, you know that?
Why does everybody say I'm controlling?

Oh. Gotta go.
Looks like this kennel is for bulldogs
only.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right. I'm great.
Oh, good.
Listen, uh, I-I don't want this to sound
weird,
But, um...
But you and I, tonight... Is this, uh...
Sorry, Dave, what was that?
Nothing.
Here you go.
For a small fee, we can come to your house
and assemble it for you.
Yeah, my dad's more of a do-it-yourself-er,
plus he's not one for strangers in his
personal space.
All right. Uh, well, can I help you carry
it to your car?
Yeah, he's not gonna go for that, either.
The guy won't even use the wheels on his
suitcase.
Likes everyone to think he's this big,
tough guy who--
Okay.
Yo! There he is. All right. Let's get this
done.
Hey, dad, you know--
No, we don't need any help, Mitchell.
Just pick up your end.
Dad, stop, stop, stop.
What? A break already?
Dad, you're obviously going through
something.
Look, you do not have to go through this
alone.
I'm here to talk if you want.
That's really nice of you, Mitchell,
But do you wanna do it here?
'cause I saw a little princess table
with a tea set on it.
You and I could have a real gab fest.
Argh! I'm such a blockhead.
Can't we just get this into the car?
Why? So you're not late for your shrink
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session?
- What? - Yeah. I picked up on that.
Bunny hugger! Saw that, too.
Mobile spinner.
I swear to god...
What are you doing back here?!
I didn't have the room key,
and I don't want to be seen in public.
I thought about what you said before...
When did China's last emperor
- ascend the throne? - 1909.
And you can say a lot of things about me,
but I am not someone who lives through her
kids.
Sorry. It's 1909.
Do I like to see you succeed?
Of course I do!
- Tritium is an isotope of what element?
- Hydrogen.
But do I need that to
make myself feel important?
Absolutely not.
No, the answer is hydrogen.
As a matter of fact, I'm a little hurt
you would think I was so shallow.
The Persian satrapy of Skudra included
which two areas?
Macedonia and Thrace.
I know moms like that, and that is not me.
No way.
Macedonia and Thrace.
Are you freaking kidding me?!
Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that?!
You're hardly even listening! How could we
lose this?!
I said "We."
Yeah. You do that sometimes.
I'm so sorry.
I am one of those moms.
I like it too much when you win.
I really love lording it over the other
moms.
Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only
source for that.
You're telling me.
Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails.

And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
He does get his head pretty far around.
Alex, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Maybe you do put pressure on me,
but it's nothing compared to what I put on
myself.
I guess I needed somebody to blame for what
happened today,
And there you were.
You know I'm in awe of you, right?
Come on. I know a back way out of this place.
Wait. Don't you have to return that?
No way. I paid good money for this.
- We're taking it down the waterslide.
-Okay.
How can she not be here, either?
- This is hopeless. - Have a little faith.
Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians
chased them
to the banks of the red sea?
How do you know all this stuff?
Was I the only one listening to uncle
Menachem's toast?
Well, I'm glad it worked out for the ancient
Jews,
But at the moment
- I don't see God doing me any-- - Look!
I'm not gonna embarrass you,
but you got one minute to get out of here.
You, too.
It's for the best.
All this sneaking around was kind of
weighing on me.
- Let's just grab our gift bags and go. -
No.
I still have 50 seconds.
Excuse me.
Hi.
My name is Manny Delgado,
And I've been searching for you
since you smiled at me in the lobby today--
Maybe even my whole life.
It's too late for us to have the magical
night I was hoping for,
but it's not too late for us
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to have a memento of what might have been.
I'll be waiting.
Okay, Mitch--
Too late. Not interested.
Now listen.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go out
the back.
Door, sunroof-- all on lockdown.
Okay, look, that guy you met today--
he is a shrink.
But I don't see him all the time.
You mom and I saw him a little before the
divorce.
But every now and then, something comes up
for me,
and I go in for a tune-up.
If you're waiting for me to ask what's going
on with you,
you just better keep waiting,
'cause I learned my lesson.
I'm down about something--
something I knew was coming,
and now it's finally happening.
We're turning my office into the nursery
today.
You've been moping around like you lost
your platoon
- over a room? - Not just a room.
It's the only place in this house
where I can still close the door and read
a book or have a drink.
Everything in there was mine.
Ah, who cares? Everybody's got their
problems.
No.
You know, I can still open my door.
You just locked yourself back in.
Look, dad, I...
I had to give up my home office for Lily's
bedroom,
and I was upset about it, too.
Wasn't hugging bunnies, but...
All right.
I-I realize that it wasn't about an office
or a room.
It was about how Lily was gonna change

everything.
But once we got her in there,
I don't know. I-I just-- I never looked
back.
Yeah, I guess I'm just nervous about
everything, you know.
- Yeah. - Thanks, kid.
You know, I'm just recalling
me grumbling about giving up my MG roadster
when you and Claire came along.
Great car. No backseat.
Isn't it funny? The stupid things that we
think--
- She was my baby. - are so important.
I guess all told, we had about 50 chickens.
Maybe 115 head of hogs.
Let's see, 55 cattle.
Oh, you know what'll be fun?
Let's see if I can remember all their names.
There was...
Albert, Lisa
Steph, and Mike
Gloria! No, Gloria!
Gloria!
No. I do not want to hear one more story.
I am going to take a nap now.
Okay, yeah, sure. Whatever you want.
This day's about you.
- Just one more thing-- - No, no one more
thing!
I just wanted to take a picture, you know,
To commemorate our special day.
Okay, fine! Take the picture!
No, not here. The lighting's terrible.
I was thinking we could take it...
in your new nursery!
No, Cam. No.
But, Gloria, come--
Somebody has to tell you this. No.
You try to control everything. You take
over people's lives!
It's always too much with you!
You know, maybe we should talk about this
out in the hallway.
Why, because there's gonna be better
lighting over there?
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You're doing it again, Cam. You're doing
it again!
You're right. I am too much.
I do control. I do barge.
I'll have my friend Abelard come back and
paint over it.
So this is why you kept me outside all day?
So that your friend Aburar could come and
paint a present?
Yeah, rather than getting you a gift off
your registry
like a normal person.
- I'm so stupid. - I love it!
You do?
It's just like you--
Full of color... And life... And love.
I really did think you'd love it.
What's going on up here?
- What the... - Okay, that was not my idea.
I told Cam--
I told him that's a lot to put on someone's
wall.
Hold on. I like it.
- Really? Oh... - Thanks, Cam.
- You actually-- - Makes it easier to give
up the room.
Wow, that's close.
Guy was an inch out of bounds.
Time-out.
You know what?
I'm not gonna be able to relax
until I get this out of the way.
Dishwasher.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah. It is.
Hey, do you think...
mind if I freshen this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allow me.
Wow. Your hand's shaking.
Remember, Dave, it's just a game.
Oh, god! Oh, my god! my gosh.
- Oh, come here. - It's all right.
- I'm--I'm just a little wet. - Oh, no,
you're drenched.
You can't sit in that. You know what?
Take that off. I'll throw 'em both in the
 Modern.Family.S04E08
dryer
and get us a couple of clean ones.
Okay.
Well, I guess this is something we're
doing.
Interception!
Interception!
- Come on, buddy! - Come on!
- Come on, buddy! - Come on!
Come on! Come on, buddy! Touchdown!
How exciting is this?!
Oh, it's been so long.
- What's happening? - Uhh. Nothing.
Oh, my car keys.
Shoot. The TV went off.
Must have screwed something up.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
There's another one upstairs.
How about we head up to the bedroom
for some halftime festivities?
Oh... Okay.
Let's do this.
I'd forgotten how much fun this can be.
We should make this a regular thing.
Phil, Phil, wait.
Uh, I think I'd better just head home.
- What? - I'm just coming out of a long-term
relationship,
and I guess I'm still pretty fragile.
It's not that I haven't had a-a great time.
Not at all. Hey, I get it.
I've spent a few nights in heartbreak
hotel.
If there's anything I can do...
You've already done more than you know.

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Modern.Family.S04E09
Haley,hurry up! You are gonna be late.
Alex, what are you doing?
I need to document Haley's first standard
chain gang.
It's not a chain gang.
It's community service. And leave her a
lone.
She feels bad enough as it is.
Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like,
"Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day."
And on the other hand, I'm like,
"Look at me in orange."
Aw, that's cute. Send that to me.
Haley had a little run-in with the law in
college.
She was arrested for assaulting a police
officer.
Accidentally. I fell on him.
While evading arrest for underage
drinking.
That was on purpose.
They were very lenient with her.
She only has to do community service.
Because I do not have any priors.
Taking a little too much pride in that,
sweetheart.
Things can get pretty rough out there.
I couldn't get my hands on any cigarettes.
But I did make you a shiv out of an old
knife.
You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
Yeah, you make a shiv out of a rusty spoon
or a shard of glass.
Or a human femur.
Exactly. Be creative.
It's really sweet of you, Luke,
But there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk
drivers
and vandalizers who were stupid enough to
get caught.
Or stupid enough to use the word
"Vandalizers."
It's vandals.
I'm so alone.
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They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia.
Mitchell, we're back.
You are not going to believe this.
Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you
to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser?
Because you lack a designer's eye and fear
change?
No. Because I was afraid two weeks would
go by,
and we'd still be using a spatula
to get at Lily's clothes.
Okay, well, we have bigger issues.
Guess what they are cutting down at the park
today?
- A tree? - Yes. How did you know that?
I played a hunch.
Not just any tree, Tree-ona elmsly.
Oh, no. That's terrible. That's our picnic
tree.
It's a nightmare.
Well, someone's picked up her daddy's gift
for hyperbole.
They are literally chainsawing paradise
- to put up a parking lot. - Oh, it's too
bad.
We have to do something.
Well, if we knew earlier, we could.
I blame myself. I've taken on too much.
What exactly have you taken on?
Are you kidding me? Teaching music?
This dresser handle project? My role in the
musical?
Oh, that.
You know what? I don't like your tone.
The understudy's the most challenging role
in any production.
You have to be ready at a moment's notice
to go on and face a disappointed audience
who was there to see Kenny Van Heffington.
Our insurance guy?
He's breathtaking.
- Really? - Yeah, I hate him.
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Putting new handles on the dresser.
Right. The tree. I have to do something.
I can't live like this.

Manny, while we're young!
He doesn't want to go.
That's why he's taking so long with the
primping.
A boy his age should do exactly zero
primping.
You ready?
Not in the least.
That's the spirit.
This kid in my class, Doug Brooks,
has a sports-themed birthday party every
year.
All boys. All sports. All day.
He calls it the Doug-lympics,
which might make sense if he did it every
four years,
or if his name was Al.
Let's just say nothing about it works.
Manny, it's a beautiful day outside.
Go on. Enjoy your Dougy-lympics.
You don't have to win a medal. Just have
fun.
Doug finishes with the most medals no
matter what.
Plus I think he only invites me
because he likes to match skin color to
nation.
I know that's why Alan Yan gets invited.
Okay, we get it. Sports isn't your thing.
But you gotta step out of your comfort zone
sometime.
And for god sake,
change out of those wingtips.
You're a kid. You're not Nixon on the beach.
Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes.
Where are they?
They're still in the box.
And don't forget to take out the paper
before you put them on, okay?
And they're called sneakers.
Hello, hello!
Hey, Gloria. So, ready to go?
- Where? - Thought we were doing a Costco
run.
Oh, I see what this is.
You called Claire to babysit the stupid
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pregnant lady!
You're the one who called her.
I did?
I called Claire.
Gloria needs watching.
She's got a serious case of pregnancy
brain.
Last week, I found a bar of soap in the
fridge
and a stick of butter in the shower.
I walked around all day smelling like a
bucket of popcorn.
Better than the toast I ate.
Yet you ate the second piece.
Jay! Bye-bye! We're leaving!
Seriously? I'm right here.
Duck! Duck! Come on and hit him, you little
freak!
Talk about a big left hook.
God, I love you.
Phil in the blank!,
Bill of rights!,
Jerry-atric!,
Alan's dad!
Hey, guys. Luke, you getting in there?
Of course.
Look, I'm Mexico. Again.
Does anybody care that I'm not from mexico?
You keep saying that,
but we've never seen a birth certificate.
All right, look, I'll pick you up at 5:00.
Knock yourself out.
Or better still, knock someone else out.
Jay, where you headed?
Why don't you stick around and grab a beer
with the dads?
Oh, I don't really know those guys.
I think I'll just swing by the club, hit
a few balls.
Well, come here. Let me introduce you
around.
Hey, guys,
This is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's
stepdad.
Hey, what's up, Jay-lo?,
Okay, guys, I'll see you later.

What's the matter, Jay?
Afraid to step outside your comfort zone?
I will send you back to Mexico.
I didn't really call you, did I?
No, my dad did. But I thought you knew.
Ugh. I want to be so mad at him,
but he's right.
I have two brains in my body,
but I've never been so dumb.
It happens. I get it.
You have another human being inside of you,
competing for resources.
Look, when I was pregnant with Alex,
I could barely remember my name.
Same with Haley and Luke?
Mm, not so much.
They kind of just hung out in there, let
me do my thing.
Thank you for understanding.
I'm glad that you came.
It will help me not to forget stuff.
I'm glad I can help out. I--
Why didn't you stop first?!
Where's daddy?
I don't know, sweetie.
He said to meet him by Tree-ona.
Mitchell! Lily!
Where is he?
Up here! Look up here!
Cam, what are you doing up there?
I came down to say good bye to the tree,
give it one final hug,
and before I knew it, I was up here.
When you say "One final hug"...
If I'm occupying the tree, they can't cut
it down.
I googled it. It's a thing.
Okay, Lily, see, this is a nightmare.
Tell me about it.
You know what? You're a list-maker, a
planner.
I'm a doer and an action taker!
Sean Penn would play me in a movie about
this,
or Anne Hathaway, if they wanted a
female-driven vehicle.
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And who would play your long-suffering
partner?
Julianne Moore, either way.
I would totally see that. I would.
Hey! My supervisor wants to know
if you have a history of mental illness.
No, sir, I do not.
All right, Cam, let's hear. What's the
plan?
I don't know. I'm sort of making it up as
I go.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Yes. I've never been more sure about
anything in my life.
We need to teach our daughter the value of
taking a stand,
no matter the sacrifice!
Hello?
Done. I'll be right there .
Mitchell, you need to get up here. I have
to go.
Excuse me?
That was my theater troupe. An actor's
sick.
I have to go and do the matinee.
What happened to showing Lily the value of
taking a stand?
It's the lead.
It's also important to show her the value
of honoring one's commitments.
And in this case, my commitment preceded
my stand!
This is so you, Cam.
You start something, and then you expect
me to finish it.
So you're not coming up here?
No! No, I'm not. Come on.
Mitchell?
Where were we the first day Lily rolled
over?
Under this tree.
Where is home base when we play
hide-and-go-seek?
Under this tree.
And where did we take shelter
during that dangerous lightning storm?

Wasn't a good idea, but it was under this
tree.
Daddy, you've got to save the tree!
Yeah, daddy, you have to save the tree!
Okay, okay.
But you get back here the second you are
done.
Well, I can't very well turn away fans that
come backstage.
The second!
Last summer, my sister took a totally
humiliating photo of me.
Haley, that's not funny!
Then she posted it to Facebook
and refused to take it down.
It got 873 likes.
Meanwhile, there's not one embarrassing
photo of Haley.
Even her mug shots were cute.
Today, I get my revenge.
One photo of Haley, dirty, sweaty,
picking up trash like a criminal.
It'll be my finest moment.
In a few years, I hope to have some more
friends
and not have time for this kind of stuff.
Okay. Hey.
Where did you go?
To get a sweatshirt.
We've been standing in the frozen food
aisle for half an hour.
I need something frozen.
Right. What?
I don't know. I just wrote the word
"frozen."
Okay. Uh, let's think.
Peas. Ice cream. Pizza. Waffles.
Wait a minute.
It says "dozen." I need the eggs!
Ah, the eggs. Okay.
Ay, no, on the other side.
Oh, god. I-I'll get the carts.
So that's... Oh, sorry.
That's... That's me. That's me. I got it.
Come on, guys! You're killing us!
Where the heck is Mexico?
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Good news, gentlemen! I found another rope.
If we double-dutch, everyone wins.
Okay, hold still...
And wait for it...
This is what you'd look like fat and bald.
On my phone, that app's called a camera.
Bill, don't do that to yourself.
Let me tell you something. Ellen is one
lucky woman.
Why is that funny?
Because she's married to Jerry.
Jay, you got any good apps?
I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that
an app?
You guys laugh a lot, huh?
Jay's a little technologically challenged.
From a guy who can't drive a stick.
- What? - You can't?
Well... he called me to rescue him one time.
He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to
let go of the clutch.
By the time I got there,
traffic's backed up half a mile,
everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears.
Not tears. Maybe sweat.
Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.
I had about ten pretty bad pictures of
Haley.
I could have quit right there,
but I'm a perfectionist.
I thought,
"I could do better. She could look worse."
Oh, my god.
All right, pal.
Come down from the tree.
Sorry, can't do that.
Come down before we pull you down.
W--hey. Ease up.
What's the problem?
Look, I don't want to be up here.
You know? But this is my daughter's
favorite tree.
And my partner-- he's all up in arms
about them cutting it down, so...
Well, if your partner's so worked up, why
isn't he here?

Oh, well, that's a very good question.
It's because he starts things, and he
doesn't finish them,
so then I have to.
Just like my wife.
You know, my therapist would say we're
"enabling" them.
You and your therapist.
I wouldn't have to see him if you hadn't
shot that guy.
Aw, that again?
Look, let's just spray him with the fire
hose.
You're not helping, Terry.
It's not your fight.
So why don't you do us a favor,
and come on down?
Because he's right, all right?
That's the frustrating part.
I-I've been sitting up here these past few
hours,
and... this tree is beautiful, okay?
And I-I can hear the squirrels dancing
through the branches,
you know, chasing each other,
no idea what's about to happen.
You know, this isn't just a tree.
This is a home.
Yeah, to, like, a hundred rats.
They're all over this thing.
Well, that changes nothing.
I will wait you guys out all night if I have
to.
Cam, you got 20 minutes,
and I'm out of this tree.
Terry, you wanna get ready with that hose?
So Alex comes home from school the other
day,
and she said the teacher didn't know what
she was talking about,
when in reality, I don't think that--
You almost just cut my head off.
You gotta focus.
I am sorry. After all that, I forgot the
eggs!
- Excuse me. - Yeah, hang on one second.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【615】-
Modern.Family.S04E09
Listen, this is not just your pregnancy.
You are purposely turning your brain off.
You have to at least try to pay attention.
- Ma'am? - Yeah.
Do you have a receipt for that sweatshirt?
Oh, shoot.
I'm gonna need you to come back into the
store.
Oh, no. No, it's--I forgot I was wearing
it.
It's no big deal. Here.
Ma'am. The store.
Are you kidding me?
I didn't try to steal a sweatshirt!
Sir, I'm a mom.
Gloria, help me out.
Listen, Mr. Policeman,
If we wanted to steal it,
You wouldn't even know that it was gone!
Yeah, okay. That's not helping.
Oh, my god! A gold bracelet!
Hey, can we keep what we find?
Unbelievable.
Really?
Gentlemen, you wanna know about
the real ultimate frisbee?
Walk with one balanced on your head for 50
meters.
It is a measure of poise, balance, and
posture.
Let's just whip the frisbees at each other
as hard as we can
and see who quits first.
Frisbee smash.
Awesome! Let's go!
Oh, my god, I'm Sisyphus.
A big one!
So he's out in our yard and he's got a
boombox...
What's the name of that movie with the
boombox?
- Oh, "Say anything." - With John Mahoney.
So anyway, he's out there,
And he's begging Claire for forgiveness.
She's still mad at him. She won't have any
of it.
 Modern.Family.S04E09
So he turns it up full-blast, Word on the street is the understudy steals
And it's Olivia Newton-John. the show!
And he starts singing, "Let's get Mitchell, I get two more shows!
Phil-sical"! Kenny Van Heffington's toenail is
It was an inside joke. infected!
Well, not anymore! Just get up here, all right?
Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories. The crew has to leave at dark,
No, but I haven't even gotten to the best so you have until then.
part yet. Easy peasy.
So he's doing his little dance, and I can't Sweetie, tell daddy what you thought of my
take it anymore, performance.
So I nail him with the sprinklers! Transcendent.
Yep, and you also shorted out my boombox, Oh, jeez.
which you said you'd replace and you never Is this sap?
did. Why would I buy hundreds of dollars worth
I never said that! of merchandise
Yes, you did. You still owe me one boombox, and then steal a $20 sweatshirt?
12 "D" batteries, I don't know. Maybe you do it for the
and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle. thrill.
Okay, uh... I know your type.
Why don't we settle it in the ring? You're a bored housewife, drives a minivan,
We get in there, husband spends a little too much time
and if you beat me, I'll buy you any boombox online.
you want. Got a couple of kids, a college degree you
If I beat you, don't use.
then you've gotta do your little dance for You could not be more wrong.
everyone. Yes. She has three kids.
I'm in. Okay, no. No, no.
Let's get Phil-sical. No, no. No, that's not helping.
I wasn't worried. I'd boxed in the navy. Look, as I said before, it was an accident.
And it was Phil. Heard it a thousand times.
And here's something I thought I'd never Grandmothers, businessmen, honor
say-- students--
I'd rather box my daughter's husband than They all say the same thing--
my son's. "It was an accident.
I may have been holding on to a tiny bit I don't know how that clock radio
of anger towards Jay. got in my pants."
I scooped ice cream all summer for that Oh, for god sake! I don't feel well.
boombox! Let us go.
Excuse me. Pardon me. We're here! Yeah, right.
We came as fast as we could! Is that even a baby?
You couldn't change? 'Cause from here, it looks like a turkey.
You said come right away! I need you to sign this, admitting your
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! guilt,
Oakwood Rep's production of "Cats"! and promising you'll never return to this
Make sure you catch it this week. store.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【616】-

I'm not signing that.
Okay, great.
Then I'm gonna call the police and I'll be
forced to--
What was that?
My water broke!
I'm having the baby!
Sorry about that. I went a little nuts
there.
I don't know what happened.
I do.
I was ragging on you in front of your
friends.
- Oh, yeah. - Sorry about that.
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Why not?
I got 20, 25 years on those guys.
We got nothing in common.
It's only gonna get worse.
I mean, what's it gonna be like with the
new kid in ten years?
Oh, my goodness.
You're insecure and vulnerable.
This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Shut up.
Who's a shy bunny?
You wanna go one more round, without the
gloves?
I'm just playing around, Jay.
I don't care how old you are.
I could sit and talk to you all day.
Those guys really liked you, too.
I don't care about that.
Did they?
- Even Jerry? - Yes.
Well, maybe you're right.
I mean, Manny didn't want to come, and look
at him.
Looks like he's having a great time.
So then Luke's dad grabs the taser from me,
- and he was like, "Uhh! Uhh!" - No. No!
That's not how it happened.
Aah! Ay! Ay! It hurts!
Hang in there! Hang in there!
Get you to the hospital as soon as I can!
I just want to apologize...
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-【617】-
Modern.Family.S04E09
one more time on behalf of the store
for any stress that I might have caused you.
Here, you can keep the sweatshirt as a gift.
And congratulations on this baby,
which is clearly not a turkey. That was--
- Go away now! - Yeah.
Okay. Go on. Go on. Get in. Keep going.
What hospital are we going to?
- No! No hospital! - No hospital. Wow.
You're one of those, huh?
Okay, please don't have it in the pool,
though.
'cause we swim in there.
I'm not having the baby, Claire.
I was just faking it.
What?
Not bad for someone with pregnancy brain,
huh?
Okay, that's good. That was very good.
Good thinking, Gloria.
I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit there
and watch you suffer
just because you had turned your brain off.
Okay, I deserved that.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
I just blew through a red light. Damn.
You think you can keep the pregnancy thing
up
for a little while longer?
I feel the head!
Feel it! Feel it!
Save it! Save it for the cop!
Save it.
All right, guys, that's it. Pack it up!
You win for today. See you on Monday.
That's it?
That's it.
So I'll go to city hall on Monday
and see what I can do,
But... You did it, cam!
No, we did it.
I had to run away, and you stepped in,
and like an understudy, you gave a
brilliant performance.
Yeah, but you're the star.
Oh, well...
 Modern.Family.S04E09
Can we stop doing this and go home?
Yes, Lily, but I want you to remember this
moment--
The day your daddies made you proud.
Turn her away, Mitchell! Turn her away!
Alex, what are you doing here?
Learning a valuable lesson about karma
and how wrong it is to take pleasure
in people's embarrassment.
Wow. I don't know what any of that means,
but you look like hell.
- Say "Geek." - No!
He's a vandalizer!
593 likes, and counting.
Who does he belong to?
He's mine.
It was a great ending to an amazing day.
Look, I even... Made the paper.
"Bizarre protest saves park tree."
Oh, look what it says.
"This production of 'Cats' should be put
to sleep."
Don't read that.
Don't...
Oh, hey, Gloria.
Listen, I called Jay about borrowing a
drill
for my dresser handles.
I got it right here, Cam!
Oh, jeez. What's with the getup?
Ay, good. You see that, too?
Stella, stop.
Ay, shh, shh, shh. Sorry, Cam.
Oh, no, don't be. I take it as a compliment.
"Cats"--now and forever.
Actually, just till next Thursday.
It's been described as "Transcendent."

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【618】-

Modern.Family.S04E10
Haley, hurry up!
You don't have much time, and I made
chocolate chip pancakes.
Mom, I'm not 12.
Dibs on hers.
Honey, you excited about your first day?
You know what? I really am.
There's something about going to work
that makes you feel like you're...
I don't know, worth something.
No offense, mom.
Listen... I wanna give you some advice.
Do it fast. She's gonna be late.
Work hard.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Stay focused.
Never... check it out!
Cam in overalls!
Mitchell sent me the same text!
Why "Look what you've done"?
Oh, because Cam is helping me out
with that baseball field,
and Mitchell hates it when he gets all
farmed up.
His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo,
And, worst of all, farmbo.
Howdy, life pardner!
Well, I gotta go. Don't wanna be late for
my first--
Oh, my god! Why didn't you guys tell me the
time?!
So what do you think? Can we turn this into
a baseball field?
Oh, yeah. No problem.
You know, back on the farm,
I once turned an acre of corn into a
snowflake-shaped maze.
It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy
Bob Sheinberg
hadn't seen it from his crop duster
and said it looked like a swastika.
So how good's Luke's team anyway?
Well, you may have seen them on youtube
under "Boy stuck in batting helmet"
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【619】-
Modern.Family.S04E10
or "Pitcher beans self."
But a few of them went through puberty early
this year, so...
They say it's because of hormones in our
milk.
But whatever it is, they really jacked up.
Luke and Manny's team tied for the final
spot in the playoffs,
but since nobody was expecting it,
all the fields were booked.
The other team wanted to settle with a coin
flip.
We said "Rock paper scissors." That's when
talks broke down.
So what do you do when you can't find a
field?
You build one.
And we got the last laugh,
'cause guess what I found there?
Rocks, paper, and scissors.
- I see home plate up here. - Mm-hmm.
I see pitcher's mound in here,
And I see little boys' dreams coming true
everywhere.
I found a dead snake!
It's perfect.
Not dead! Not dead!
I'm gonna be mother of the year.
And this is our dining room, where we eat.
And this is our kitchen, where we also eat.
Who are you talking to?
It looks like you lost your tour.
Or your mind.
The baby.
Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me.
She said it's for prenatal bonding.
I love it. We took a tour of the house.
We took a look at all my shoes.
Come on, Jay. Say something to the baby.
Darlene's an idiot.
Oh, yeah, beautiful.
Your first words to our baby--
"Darlene is an idiot."
This is stupid. The baby's only 2 inches
away.
He doesn't need speakers blasting at him.

Like in restaurants nowadays
where you can't even hear yourself think.
Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why
do I bother?
Get used to that. Sometimes you just gotta
let him go.
Then he eats some sherbet and falls asleep.
Okay, I'll chalk the field with this bad
boy.
And while you're doing that, I will get the
bases.
We make such a good team.
Why does your friend have a chalker?
Oh, he used it to propose to a skywriter.
Oh, ma'am? Ma'am, do you need help with
that?
Oh, yes. Please.
Is this your house?
I'm moving in with my son.
He's rich.
Phone by the toilet rich.
All right, so have you lived here a long
time?
I moved here in '62 to be an actress.
I had one line in a "Rockford files."
"He went out the back.,"
Who went out the back?
That was you.
Well, you're all set here.
You're not interested in the place, are
you?
- Oh, no, thank you. - Yes--yes, we are.
Yes. Yes, we are.
- Come on. - Okay.
You gotta keep your eyes open.
It's not natural when a ball is hurtling
at your face.
Will you choke up a little?
Probably when they play the national
anthem.
No, move your hands up the bat.
"When they play the national anthem."
I had a perfect record--
22 games, and I hadn't played a single
inning.
Then the Mccoy twins' grandma dies,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【620】-
Modern.Family.S04E10
and suddenly I'm starting at right field.
What does that even mean? Is it the same
as stage right?
All right, ready? Nice and easy.
I haven't even thrown it yet.
Then it's your fault. I'm doing my part.
Forget it. We need to do something
different.
Let's change your stance.
Try leaning in.
Further.
Now close your eyes.
Ah! Perfect! You think you can do that every
time?
What, get hit on purpose?
If you wanna get on base and be a hero.
Some men are born into greatness.
Others have it chucked at their face.
Yes!
Okay, Mrs. Brooks, thank you very much.
We'll be in touch very soon.
Say it one more time.
He went out the back.
- Oh, love it! Love it! - Brava! Brava!
Bye-bye!
What do you think, Phil?
Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Yes! Yes! I told you!
And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing
flipping houses.
Yeah, he brags about it all the time.
Every time he makes a sale,
he calls himself "Flipper"
And walks around making this dolphin sound.
Like...
How does he do it? I hate him so much.
Okay, look, if the four of us go in on this
together,
We can minimize the risk.
Or if none of us do it,
we can eliminate the risk altogether
because none of you know anything about
flipping houses.
Okay, well, we already have it figured out.
I'm gonna be the designer...
Because I know about colors and shapes.
 Modern.Family.S04E10
Yeah, so does Lily. do this?
I'm gonna be the contractor. I am totally with you.
And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, this Okay, you stay here. I'll go break the bad
is fun. Phil, you go. news.
Mitchell, I am serious. Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen.
I have overseen lots of projects in our - Yeah, well, maybe if-- - I would drop it.
home. It's not worth the fight. Come on, Claire.
I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. The faster we leave, the less it's gonna
Under budget. Right, Phil? hurt.
Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't Hop in. Yep.
go for Why does it have to be like this?
the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise... I don't know. He's your brother. Buckled
You can wash your own butt for free. up? Good.
Well, that's not the same, is it? No! No! No, no, I see what you're doing!
This is all fun to talk about. He doesn't want this either!
It is, but I don't think that you understand - Little radio? - Sure.
what--what this could really entail. And-- Phil! Claire!
Okay, there it is. Mitchell just said "No," Come on!
So we're done. It's such a shame
Surprise, surprise. because I know we would do a great job on
Listen, we'll talk about this at home, that house.
okay? - Totally. - If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can
Don't give up. do it, right?
Phil, you think it's a good idea, right? Please!
Totally. Please. Gil Thorpe has decades of
Yes. And you know we can handle it, right? experience
I think you guys can handle anything. and infallible instincts.
And you go talk to him. You're a As much as we'd all like to believe
professional. otherwise,
He respects you. I did not marry Gil Thorpe.
Okay. Give us some space. I'll go talk him Can you imagine that?
into it. God, we'd sell a lot of houses.
- All right. - All right? Oh! Great.
- Okay. - Okay. - Mitchell. - Oh, you know what, Claire?
Listen... You gotta cool down or you're just gonna
there's no way we're letting them do this. make this worse.
I know, right? Why don't you go get the coffees?
They are not equipped to take this on. And I'll deal with him.
We might as well flush all our savings Well, okay, what are you gonna say to him?
down my boring old toilet. I'm just gonna talk to him man-to-man.
Oh, you are really bitter about that. Right.
It's the one thing I asked for. Don't sit Okay.
on your sunglasses. Hello?
Sorry, guys. Claire, Phil doesn't want the house either,
Whoops. Just to be clear, though. all right?
Under no circumstances are we letting them He's letting me take the fall. He's a liar.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【621】-

And a clever one.
Ugh! How long do you think you can keep this
from her?
All right? I'm gonna talk to her
eventually.
Well, as long as we're swapping stories,
Maybe I'll tell Cam
What happened to the sweater he knit for
you.
I can't.
I can't! I can't!
I can't do it! I can't take this stupid
thing anymore!
It was stolen out of the car. Do you
understand me?
Got it.
That is low.
I know. Don't be mad at me.
That said, I suggest you lose this number.
I'm not proud of what I did,
but I'm not comfortable squashing people's
dreams.
I am a cheerleader.
I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting,
"Go, dreams, go!"
You know what's not a cheer?
"Two, four, six, eight,
you are going to fail at this
and lose everything we've worked for,
Claire!
*Hush, little baby,*
*don't say a word.*
*Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird.*
*And if that mockingbird won't sing,*
*papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring.*
Papa'd buy ten diamond rings
to get that mockingbird to shut the hell
up.
But I wasn't gonna tell Gloria she was a
terrible singer.
That's just taking a bath with a toaster.
Still, the thought of
that poor little thing stuck in there like
a hostage,
listening to that racket days on end...
I just couldn't take it.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【622】-
Modern.Family.S04E10
*And if that billy goat won't push,*
*papa's gonna get every le--*
I'll tell you what papa's gonna do.
He's gonna take a turn on that mic.
- Oh! Really? - Yeah, I've been thinking,
if it's a chance to bond, I should take it.
Ay, Jay, that's great.
I think that the sound of my voice
shouldn't be the only thing that the baby
should hear.
Same page.
Breaker, breaker, big Jay.
Baby, what's your 20? Over.
Ay, that's so cute.
You sound like Smokey and the Bandito.
Go on. Go on.
Hi, kid. This is your dad Jay Pritchett.
Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you.
Just a heads-up--
I might be a few years older than you're
expecting.
But on the plus side, we're very
comfortable.
What's that? Nothin'?
Tough womb.
What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?
*Are you sleeping?*
- Ah! Ah! Ah! - *Are you--*
Ah! Still daddy's turn.
Dumb--dumb rock!
- Are you cryin'? - No.
No. I just can't get this rock to budge.
Okay, what did we learn from "A League of
Their Own"?
No crying in baseball.
No. That Madonna's a lousy actress,
and so are you.
What's really going on?
Okay.
You know, over the last couple of months,
I've applied for, like, five different
jobs.
- I didn't know that. - No. I didn't tell
anyone,
Because I didn't get them, Cam.
I went to college, you know?

And... I just wanna be able to contribute
to my kids' education.
And I wanna be able to buy my husband a
present...
with my own money.
Hey, you're preaching to the choir
director.
It's actually why I became a choir
director.
You became a part-time teacher in a public
school for money?
I make more than you do.
I mean, before parking. But...
Look, I'm sorry Mitchell killed our house
dream.
You know, now especially that I know you
wanted to use the money
for such noble reasons.
Yeah.
And also...
there was this pair of boots.
There's always a pair of boots.
Mitchell, do you know what I've realized?
That some thoughts are better left
unexpressed?
No. That in this relationship,
I'm the gas pedal, and you're the brakes.
Okay, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Last week, you said that
you were the painting and I was the frame.
That's if we were artwork.
This is if we were a car.
I know what part you'd be if we were a horse.
- Excuse me? - Hmm?
Claire and I bring you this great
opportunity,
And you stop it cold.
I guess that's what brakes do.
You know what brakes also do?
They keep you from driving off cliffs.
Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe they're
ramps,
ready to launch us into new, exciting
vistas.
I am not the only one against this whole
house thing.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【623】-
Modern.Family.S04E10
Phil doesn't want it either.
You keep saying that,
but I find that very, very hard to believe.
Phil supports Claire.
Phil is a cheerleader.
Why can't you be more like phil?
And then it hit me.
I could be exactly like Phil.
I could pretend to be on board,
forcing the cheerleader to be the bad guy.
I know it's underhanded,
but that's the way I throw.
- Mitchell? - You--you know what?
You've convinced me.
If--if you and Claire and especially Phil
are into this, then I'm on board.
- What? Seriously?! - Yes! 100%.
In fact, why don't you call Claire and Phil
right now and tell them?
Okay. It was the ramp thing, wasn't it?
You know, I felt really good about it.
What?
Are you serious? That's fantastic!
Oh! I gotta tell Phil. I'll call you right
back.
What's--what's up?
Mitchell changed his mind.
He's all for it. We're flipping a house!
- Yeah. - Yeah!
Well, hello, Phil.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
Cut the crap.
You wanna play chicken? Chicken's my middle
name.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just being supportive of my partner and
my sister,
both of whom I love very much.
How do you sleep at night?
Soundly, knowing you'll do the right thing.
So how about it, Phil?
You gonna stop this train? 'cause these
brakes are out.
Oh. And I suggest you lose this number.
Mitchell?
Mitchell?!

Yeah, I was pretty ticked off
that Mitchell double-crossed
double-cross.
And then he stopped taking my calls,
And so I sent him the following carefully
worded text...
"U suck."
I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt
and betrayed, so I responded.
"How r u gonna cheerlead your way out of
this one, buffy?"
"We both know this house thing is a
disaster."
"Then say something, or I will.
I don't care if you tell Cam..."
"I threw out that hideous sweater?!"
I spent months knitting that hideous
sweater.
- Yeah. - W--how are we seeing this?
They're using the group text from
yesterday.
They have no idea these are even coming to
me.
Okay.
Oh. Here's another one.
"We need to shut this house thing down
Without them knowing it's us"?!
Oh! Well...
"2 late."
No, that--that's bad.
Claire, I am so sorry.
I know I should've been more honest with
you, but I--
No, Phil.
You know what really kills me?
Is you didn't believe in me, and you believe
in everything!
You know, I knew that sweater wasn't
stolen.
And here I pick blue yarn to match your
eyes,
but I should've picked black to match your
heart.
Although you look amazing in black. Damn
you.
Come on.
Modern.Family.S04E10
"...Leaving 17 dead and thousands without
my power."
Ay, Jay, please!
It's bad that the baby listens to such
terrible things.
He's heard worse.
Jay, do you know a good 1-hour dry cleaner?
And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00,
only on weekdays, you need a coupon" Kind.
I mean a hard 1-hour.
This conversation feels like a hard one
hour.
And what do you need it cleaned for? It's
spotless.
There's mustard here from Reuben's reuben.
That's what happens when
you put a narcissist in charge of snack day.
Okay, it's my turn again.
Baby, it's your mother again.
- I'm-- - Gloria?
Why don't we give him a break?
He probably needs a minute
because he just learned about a deadly
tornado.
Okay, stop calling him a he.
What if he's a she, and you're making her
upset?
I told you. That's just the shorthand I'm
using.
- Don't jump down my throat every time I'm
- Ay, yes,
- because you always - What are you doing?
Do you really want your unborn baby
to hear you fighting like this?
Studies show it's unhealthy
For a fetus to be exposed to a stressful
environment.
Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book.
What time does your game start?
I have to be there at 3:00 for hitting
practice.
Batting practice.
Not for me.
Jay, I don't want our baby to think
that it's coming into an unhappy home.
Let's promise that we're never ever going

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【624】-

to fight in front of him.
No fighting in front of the baby.
Okay, good.
*Twinkle, twinkle*
*Little lamb*
Gloria, stop it! Stop it. No more singing.
Why?
Because you stink.
You're a terrible singer.
Come on. Let's get some lunch.
How dare do you say that I am...
I know! Ay, no, no, no.
No fighting in front of the baby. We just
made a deal.
Yeah, but that's not fair
because I am always in front of the baby!
Gloria, you're as close to perfect as woman
gets.
Nothing wrong with one tiny, little flaw.
Yours is when you start to sing,
is sounds like something got stuck in the
vacuum cleaner.
That's--you're just--
No, no, no.
That is just your stupid, stupid opinion,
Jay.
But I am very angry at you,
and I am gonna make a list
of all the things that I am going to scream
at you
as soon as this baby's out of me.
I didn't think it all the way through.
Oh, hello, Mitch.
Uh, you got Claire flowers?
Yes. I had a little bit of a rough night.
Yeah, you and me both.
Daddy slept in my room last night.
- Here, give me some of those. - What? No.
- You got me into this. - Hey, stop! You're
breaking them!
I need--I'm not going to Cam empty-handed!
Phil, let go of the...
Hold still!
Claire and Cam did all this?
A week ago, that was all junk.
It's amazing.
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I mean, there's that little bump in the
middle.
But other than that...
Even if one of those boys had hit five home
runs,
the biggest star on that field was Claire.
That's the funny thing about marriage.
You fall in love with this...
extraordinary person,
And over time, they begin to seem ordinary.
I think it's all the nagging.
Wow. This...
This is incredible.
You literally saw a diamond in the rough.
Yeah, but I take on a lot of projects no
one else is willing to.
I deserve that.
I was an idiot for doubting you.
Please, honey, forgive me.
How could I not,
when you give me this bouquet of crumpled
flowers?
- Mitchell did that! - Mitchell again?
Ask Lily!
- Hey, Cam. - Hey.
Here you--Okay. Well...
Oh, wow. Broken and mangled...
Just like my heart.
Cam, I'm sorry for not supporting you.
- What about the sweater? - That's
unforgivable.
I mean, you put all that time and work into
it,
and I just toss it out the car window.
Tossed it out the car window?!
I'm forgetting how much you knew.
You know what, guys? Honestly, I...
I think we should do it. I think we should
go for the house.
- Really? - Okay, but careful, honey.
Don't say something if you don't mean it.
No, I do mean it. I think you two will do
a fantastic job.
You know, I do, too. I'm on board.
On board for what?
Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in
 Modern.Family.S04E10
on a house. I'm going to smack that ball,
Claire and I fix it up and flip it. and everyone will chant my name as I round
That's the worst idea I ever heard. the bases.
You guys know nothing about construction. By the way,
You'll make all sorts of mistakes, it is always counterclockwise, or do I get
you'll turn on each other, you'll stop to choose?
talking, I don't think it's gonna matter.
and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week They convince themselves it'll all work
instead of one out...
because you can't be in the same room. Please rise for the national anthem.
Family and business doesn't mix. I'm gonna show you who can sing.
Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why Gloria.
do I bother? Oh, this is gonna be rough.
Is he right? Despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Y-you know dad. I mean, he's a pessimist. Oh say can you see?
I want us to get that house. By the dawn's early light?
I do. But I don't want us to fight. Which I guess isn't so bad.
We're not gonna fight. And the rocket's red glare!
Of course not. All I'm saying is,
Probably. I hope to god you don't have your mother's
I don't know. Will we? singing voice.
Maybe we just take a beat and think about But, man, I hope you get her
it. self-confidence.
Yeah. I-I guess that couldn't hurt. Try to get some sleep.
Yeah. I'll talk to you in the morning.
You guys mean the world to us. 2 outs, bottom of the sixth. Tied at 4.
I don't want to jeopardize that over a This is it, folks.
house. The whole game comes down to this.
- We feel the same way. - I know. Manny Delgado 0 for 3 on the day.
- I just wanna say I know we'd do a good Gloria, your thoughts?
job, though. - Hello? I think he's going to hit the home run.
- And I feel so-- - It's Mrs. Brooks, the Please, god, give me one.
lady with the house. Manny, stand up straight!
Actually, it's good that you called. But bend your knees.
What? Widen your stance!
What happened? Would you please let me just--
Gil Thorpe just made her an offer. Take your base!
- We did it! - We bought a house. - You did it! You got it, Manny! - I did
It's gonna be... great! it?
What could go wrong? Nothing. No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way!
Sometimes I don't understand people. Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he
They do crazy things for the dumbest wants.
reasons. Manny! Manny! Manny!
I'm going to march out there and swing as
hard as I can.
And if every sports movie is correct,

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Jay?
Have you seen the grapes?
- Yeah, I ate them. - Why would you eat the
grapes?
They were in a bowl, they were washed,
I paid for them.
They were for the new year's.
Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again?
It's not goofy. It's a tradition.
At midnight, you eat 12 grapes,
you make 12 wishes, 1 for each month of the
year.
And you really think that works?
Five years ago,
I was a single mother living in a slum.
Today, I'm driving to Palm Springs
in my new car with my rich husband.
You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes.
For new year's eve, we're taking Phil and
Claire
and Mitch and Cam to this amazing hotel
I used to go to in Palm Springs.
They got a whole package--
Dinner, dancing, toast at midnight.
I mean, what more do you need?
- Grapes. - I said we'd stop on the way.
Haley, it's new year's eve.
Are you sure you don't wanna go to a party
or something?
And listen to all my friends talk about
how awesome college is?
I know how awesome college is.
That's what got me kicked out.
Well, I'm sure uncle Mitchell
will feel much better leaving Lily here
knowing that you're in charge.
You know you're really in charge, right?
How do you know I don't have a party?
Okay, fine.
Lily, are you ready for your big sleepover
with your cousins?
Who's watching me?
- Haley. - I'm serious.
Alex.
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Okay, let's go.
Every new year's eve, it's like,
"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna
do?"
So we were happy that Jay planned this whole
thing.
It really, you know, takes the pressure off
of having to outdo ourselves.
Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly top last
year?
Oh. Did we miss it?
It's only 10:00.
- What? - It's only 10:00.
- What? - It's only 10:00.
Place is smaller than I remember.
Smaller's your issue?
When was the last time that you were here,
Jay?
Not that long ago. 1974, '75.
So when I was 2?
I don't like when you do that.
I checked the web site. The pictures looked
beautiful.
Oh! Lizard. Huh?
Never trust pictures on the internet.
Shoot it from the right angle,
You can make anything look bigger and
better.
Houses, you pervs. He's a realtor.
I thought I heard voices.
Robby! I told you! It's people.
Oh, my god. That's me in 20 years!
Okay, you be her, and I'll be whoever left
her.
Uh, we're checking in. It's under
Pritchett.
Jay pritchett. Three rooms.
You've been with us before.
How old is that book?
Oh, there is something sticky over here.
Robby!
It came back.
It's not possible.
Okay, so the place is not what it used to
be.
But we're gonna have fun.

Dining in the starlight room,
little dancing with the Shelley Stroman
trio.
Oh, there's just two left. Here are your
keys.
Check out's at 11:00, but if you wanna stay
longer--
11:00 is good.
Here we go.
Is there anything wrong?
No, no. No, we were just hoping for
something
- a little more romantic. - Come on, now.
It's not that bad.
- What's in there? - Nothing.
If you're looking for romance,
there's a secluded hot spring nearby.
- Kind of a hidden gem. - Huh?
Just follow the path
right by the 12th hole of the golf course.
That sounds kinda nice.
Secluded. Natural.
- Sexy. - Sexy.
What do you think, phil?
Does it smell like eggs?
Some of them smell like eggs.
It's been a while since Phil and I...
The whole month of December?
Not even a...
Or a quick... you know?
It's embarrassing, and it's not like us.
That's making me anxious,
Which is why I really need to get...
Thanks again.
Yeah, that's yours to keep.
Okay.
Bye now.
I say we bag dinner with my dad,
and go find that hot spring.
Honey, we can't just ditch your father.
He wanted us all to be together.
We are always together.
Oh, my god, what are we gonna hear
that we've never heard before?
Mitch and Cam's inspiring story
of how lily saved that kid with the
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Heimlich?
Please. She hugged him,
and he spit his gum out.
I say we get a bottle of champagne,
Look up at the stars,
forget our bathing suits.
That does sound hot.
But I'd just be thinking about your dad the
whole time.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
What's in there?
Nothing.
Oh, perfect. No, great.
If we need any socks,
someone left one in the bed.
Oh, my gosh. There is no way Crispin stays
here
when he comes to the Beacon.
What's the beacon?
The club that he's always raving about.
It's right down the street.
That's where we should go.
Somewhere fun for new year's,
while we're still young... ish.
L-let's get out of dinner and go there.
- How? - I don't know.
Um... okay, okay.
Um, y-you could pretend to get sick at the
table.
You know, fake a cough, stomachache,
dealer's choice. I don't care.
Just sell it and get us out of there.
But what about your dad?
He wants the family to be together.
We are always together.
I mean, how many times do we have to hear
Claire tell us
Luke's hilarious comeback to the
pediatrician?
Oh, gosh. We should start calling her
"Ranch house"...
Because she doesn't have a second story.
- So good. - I know! Thank you.
Hey. You sure you don't wanna play
"The hunger games" with all of us?
My whole life is a hunger game.

Why do you think I'm so mean to you?
That's for me!
Hey. Come on in.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey, I'm out.
This is Becca and her cousin Joyce.
And Joyce is for you.
What? I'm on a date?
But I'm not wearing any cologne.
Did you know this was happening?
I don't even know what this is.
Joyce, this is Manny.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Can I offer you a glass of sparkling cider?
He's not how you described him.
Uh, don't worry. You'll love him.
Manny, say something romantic.
I can't just turn it on. You say something
romantic.
Cool shirt.
Can I see your room?
Well, I didn't clean it for me.
They're going upstairs alone.
- Is that even allowed? - I don't know.
- Should we say something? - Like what?
Like, "It's not okay"?
Well, maybe it is. Is it?
I don't know. I just feel like
we're not doing our job as babysitters.
Of course we are.
I'm cold, and I saw a coyote.
And Luke turns to him and says,
"Dr. Blaustein, really? Not even dinner
first?"
Hand to god! Dr. B. Told me himself!
You know, I'm sorry, but I love this place.
I know it's a little rough around the edges,
but I've always had a good time here,
and I'm having a great time tonight.
Yeah.
How's your chicken kiev?
- It's really good. - It's very good.
- Tasty. - Yeah, tastes like Russia.
What are you waiting for? Get sick.
Not yet. I'll know when it's time.
Honey.
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- You were sleeping. - I was.
Ay, I'm so sorry, Claire.
It wasn't because you were telling again
The luke and the doctor story.
It's just that I've been so tired lately.
Oh. Oh, gosh.
Are you okay? She's been feeling bad all
day.
Yeah, you know. I think I might be coming
down with a little something.
Oh, my god.
I know. I drank out of her glass earlier.
- No. She's stealing our excuse. - What?
Honey.
Wake up, Gloria!
Easy. If that makes a mark, I get the stink
eye.
I'm gonna walk her upstairs.
I think you need to lie down.
Okay. Just a little disco nap.
Okay. Well, this has been fun.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Keep the party going. I'll be back as soon
as I can.
There it is. Now?
No, I have something stuck in my throat.
It's too bad Lily's not here to give you
the heimlich.
Did we ever tell you guys that story?
Do you wanna tell it?
- Yeah, let me tell it. - Okay.
Jay, you should go back and spend time with
your family.
I can't leave you alone on new year's eve,
even though everyone's waiting for me to
come back.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Yeah. I just hope I don't hold up
the lighting of the cherries jubilee.
Jay, if you really want to go and--
Okay.
Where'd everybody go?
I don't know. I guess they all left.
You still want the cherries jubilee?
Light 'er up.
Hey, if it isn't Jay Plunkett.

It isn't. It's--it's Jay Pritchett.
You having a good new year's?
Eh, kind of a bust. Everybody bailed on me.
I'm gonna hit the sack.
Hey, we just had a guy who bailed on us.
You play hold'em?
Yeah, but I should probably, uh...
What's the buy-in?
Jay...
Say hello to, uh, Marty, Bugs...
Hey. How ya doin', Jay?
- My ex-husband hugo... - Hey, how you
doing?
- And Billy Dee. - Hey.
Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams?
I'm a huge fan.
Well, now you have to stay,
since none of these guys have seen me
in anything since "Mahogany."
- Never even saw that. - Me either.
You're kidding.
Billy Dee's an alderman
trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago,
rather than become
an international model and designer.
My son made me watch it with him.
He's gay.
Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to
tell you.
Excuse me! Sir, excuse me!
He's doing this on purpose!
He probably just doesn't notice us.
How can he not notice us?
We're the only people in here in sleeves!
Hey there. What can I get for ya?
Excuse me, young man. I was here first.
Young man? Why don't you just call him
whipper-snapper?
This is ridiculous. We can't even get a
drink.
Everyone in here's 11, and I'm hot!
If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now.
Yeah, and if we'd stayed put,
We'd be enjoying cherries jubilee right
now!
Hey, hey, hey. Cam, come on.
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It's new year's eve. We're out together.
Where's fun cam who likes to dance?
Here.
Wh--where--where is he?
- I'm over here. - Oh, there he is!
- Come on! - Okay, I'm sorry.
I was just feeling invisible! It'll get
better!
Okay, you know what? That is wet. I'm done.
oh! God! God, no!
They've been in there forever.
Do something. You're in charge.
Oh, please. We both know I'm just a
figurehead here.
You really think they're doing something
in there? He's 12.
He's 14, but it's touching how close you
are.
Fine.
what do you want?
You have to keep your door open.
- Why? - Uh, well, why do you need it closed?
Because we're gonna make out.
Well, you...
You can't have your door closed.
Why? Do you wanna to watch or something?
That's weird.
Of course we don't wanna watch.
Perfect.
- But you can't... - What are you d...
What just happened?
Can I offer you a Pinja Delgado?
It's my own concoction.
What's in it?
Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet,
and it's not afraid to embrace its own
whimsy.
I'm not saying that.
I'm not drinking it, either.
So... You making any resolutions?
Yeah. No more blind dates.
You're mean.
You know, she's right, Joyce. You are mean.
I've been a gracious host
while you've been rude, sullen, and dull.
You'll forgive me if I choose not to start

the new year
on such a negative note.
Oh, and if you're hungry for broccoli
later,
you'll find a piece in your teeth.
Where is this stupid path?
We've been walking forever.
We'll find it.
Did that bellman seem a little off to you?
Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring.
Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan
to kill us.
Why would you even say that?
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
You seem so tense.
Come on. This is an adventure. This is fun.
I don't wanna have an adventure.
I don't wanna have fun. I wanna have sex
with you.
Wha--what?
Don't make me say it again.
No, I want you to say it again.
Maybe throw my name in there this time.
Claire, what's going on?
Do you know that it's been a month?
- No, it hasn't. - Yes, it has.
Day after Thanksgiving.
I remember because I came in under budget
on all of my Christmas gifts,
And you know how that gets me going.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
I made that joke about your clothes being
half-off.
And yet we still did it,
'cause that's the kind of people we used
to be.
What happened?
Nothing happened. We're busy.
It was the holidays. Dede was here.
You know, she has a way of...
shutting that whole thing down.
But is this who we are now?
I mean, first it's a month, then it's a
year,
Then we're sleeping in twin beds
and you're calling me "mother".
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And I can't even bear it,
'cause we're just like my grandp--
Let's go find that hot spring
And start this new year off with...
sex in a hot spring.
All right, all right.
Where--where should we try next?
- Am I yelling? I'm yelling. - Yes.
Yeah. Maybe we should just go get some
frozen yogurt
And call it a night.
No, Cam, come on.
We can't have another New Year's eve
where we don't even make it to midnight.
I... This entire holiday
is just a giant reminder of how the clock
is ticking.
You know, each passing second
is just bringing us that much closer to
death.
All this because I suggested some fro-yo?
I'm... I'm sick of feeling old.
I-I really need this.
Okay.
Let's get you to midnight.
'kay.
Oh, look, he's our age.
Wherever he's going, I'm sure he'll fit
right in.
Okay.
Okay, no judgment.
Perfectly acceptable lifestyle.
- Just not for us. - No!
Okay, but we are not giving up, all right?
We're like goldilocks.,
The first bar was too young,
The second was... Whatever that was,
And the third will be just right.
Mitchell...
Three bears.
I mean... Right?
Here. This one.
You wanted to feel young.
And I do.
I'm sorry. I push people away.
I feel myself do it, but I can't stop.

It's hard to like someone when you don't
like yourself.
You're right.
You have so many good qualities.
You're attractive, you're witty, you're
bright.
I just wish you could see yourself through
my eyes.
Aw, you're such a good friend.
Friend? That's where this is headed?
Well... Friendships last longer.
Not this one. I've got enough friends.
Happy New Year, Joyce.
So what's the plan, Haley?
I'm going in. That's our baby brother up
there.
I'm not ready for all of this.
The girls, the hormones-- it's gross.
Well, we can't just barge in.
I'm still trying to get the image of mom
and dad
out of my... oh, god, it's back.
I'm coming in!
What are you doing?
Just putting away some laundry.
That's a bra.
And a tablecloth.
Can't you do this later?
Excuse me. Does your mother know you're
here?
- Yes. - Does she know our parents aren't?
Yeah.
Big pause, no eye contact.
I was so much better at this than you.
- You're out. - No, she's not.
Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13...
and unless Nicole Bitchie here
wants me to call her parents and tell them
she lied...
I better go. Bye, Luke.
Wait. Why does she have to go?
Because I said so.
You're not the boss.
Don't talk back to your sister.
Ugh! I hate you!
You hate me now, but someday you'll thank
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me!
I think I owe mom a huge apology.
Is anyone watching me?
Aces and eights.
Lady Sings the Blues. Three Jacks.
Sorry, Billy Dee,
But where do you go to tattle on prince
Harry
when he's naked in vegas?
Straight to the queen.
Well, that's it. I'm out.
Me, too.
Oh, hell, it's almost 11:00.
I gotta do my set in the starlight room,
and I'm missing a pasty.
Oh, what's the matter with everybody? It's
early yet.
Yeah, I'm having fun
for the first time since I got here.
Jay?
How long has she been there?
What are you doing here?
Gloria...
Everybody ditched me,
these guys invited me to play poker,
and look who I'm sitting next to.
Oh, she has no idea.
Hello, I'm Billy Dee Williams.
Hello. I'm Gloria dee wife.
Jay, it's almost midnight, and we forgot
to buy my grapes.
Did you try room service? They probably
have grapes.
Oh, nothing fresh.
But you can always fish some out of a can
of fruit cocktail.
Jay, you know that I need real grapes for
my wishes.
It's a Colombian tradition. It's only
moderately insane.
Well, I have grapes at my house.
No, I don't want you to blow new year's.
Oh, please. Every night is new year's for
Billy Dee.
I like you, Billy Dee.
So at midnight, you eat them and then you

make your wishes.
Well, that sounds vaguely familiar.
I might have heard about that
when I did that "Love boat" with Charo.
You know Charo?
He's so obsessed with Charo.
No kidding.
Oh, my god.
A classic rolls corniche.
I have been in love with this car my whole
life.
In my village, if you didn't drive one of
these,
you couldn't call yourself a drug lord.
Would you like to drive it?
Does the bear sit in the woods?
Classic Charo.
So...
Was it worth my meltdown?
It always is.
Just you and me, under the desert sky.
I'm Lawrence of Arabia,
You're Mrs...
Of arabia.
Hey there.
Oh, my god.
Sweet. You're the first ones here.
Welcome.
Uh, welcome to what?
To nude year's eve. You saw the flyer?
No.
I told them.
Robby.
So I--whoa. Nude year's eve?
- You said nude year's eve. - It's clever.
Yeah. We're the palm springs nudist
association.
It's how we celebrate the new year.
- I can see. - Fresh. Like newborns.
Naked.
Yeah. I got that.
Oh, my god. We have to get out of here.
We have to get out of here.
Our clothes are trapped under that pile.
You really wanna stand there naked
sifting through all those drawstring
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Modern.Family.S04E11
pants?
- Okay. Scooting over. - Just... Just
scootch in.
- Okay. - Scootin'.
Phil, something just touched me,
And it's not from your side.
Who wants champagne?
Oh, I'll have some.
Okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay.
Oh, sorry. Pardon the reach.
Thank you.
We gotta make a run for it.
Well, now it's just gonna seem rude.
Phil.
I love this car so much!
Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee?
A surprise that's gonna blow your mind.
And just call me Billy.
Not doin' it.
And these are from the gentlemen at that
table over there.
Oh, free drinks. More free drinks.
Thank you. Thank--they can't hear me.
Thank you!
This is what models must feel like.
Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you
you look like a young Van Johnson?
Oh, no. That-- that's so sweet, though.
Thank you.
Free pass?
Pull up Van Johnson on your phone.
I need to know how I feel about that.
He was gorgeous. You're fine.
This is nice, huh? Compliments, free
drinks.
What could be better?
Alright gentlemen! Almost midnight!
Pucker up.
New Year's is so weird,
the way it makes you think about time.
Ten... Nine... Eight...
Cam.
I think that's why
people put so much pressure on themselves
to have fun.
seven... six... five...
 Modern.Family.S04E11
I mean, I guess I sorta get it.
four... three... two... one!
Quick, quick! Make your wishes!
Like right now I wish I could just slow down
time,
'cause I am so not ready for him to grow
up yet.
I know.
I want him to stay our stupid little
brother.
Hey, happy new year.
You too.
Oh, my god, what is in this?
Oh. Sorry. That one's mine.
And I swear to you, I was so nervous,
I think I might have put on somebody else's
underwear.
I'm not kidding.
I love this story.
- Almost as good as yours, Van Johnson. -
Oh, my god!
Oh, look. Here comes Jay.
I feel bad he missed all this fun.
- Hi, dad. - Look, they're back. My devoted
family.
Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy
Dee Williams.
Oh, my god, it's Lando.
Excuse me, Mr. Williams,
I just have to tell you,
I've loved you since I was a little boy.
I'm so Starstruck right now.
Well, you must be Mitchell.
Jay told me all about you.

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Modern.Family.S04E12
So we're going to Santa Barbara to pick up
the bassinet.
Or we can save five hours
and go around the corner to baby town.
What are you doing all day?
- Jay! - It's fine, mom.
No, it's not fine. Today's Manny's
birthday.
Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, kid.
Don't worry. Reuben's family's taking me
for a birthday lunch.
You see? Even the Reubens remembered.
We'll be back at 6:00,
and we're taking you to a special birthday
dinner. Okay?
- We are? - Jay!
I'm sorry, kid.
I wasn't sorry. It was a setup.
We're throwing him a big surprise birthday
party.
And he totally fell for it, the little jerk.
I mean, that's the whole point of a surprise
party.
You take someone who you really love
and you play 'em like a fool.
That's not the whole point of all this.
Manny has been feeling a little bit
neglected,
and I wanted to give him the most special
day.
This is the last birthday
that it's only going to be the three of us.
I can't wait to see the little dope's face.
...And then that smug Carol Chu was all,
"You can't dig without an environment
impact study."
And then I was like, "Bam!"
and then I slapped the study onto Charlie's
desk,
and Carol was like, "But--but--but--"
and then I was like, "Chu on that!"
You said that?
Well, not with my mouth. With my eyes and
my swivel.
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So how was your day at work?
Oh, you know, fine.
Yeah?
I'm an idiot.
I know Cam's been struggling since he went
back to teaching.
The students, the faculty--
None of it's clicking.
The last thing he needed
was me going on about my latest work
triumph.
And then it got worse.
Come on, daddy. It's time for our wedding.
- What's happening? - Oh, Lily and I are
gettin' married.
Uh, what's happening?
When she proposed, I thought it was a little
weird,
but then I read it's a phase that some girls
go through.
- So... - Oh, no, well, I just think it's
the cutest thing ever.
Here, dad. I made you this ring.
Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute!
Do you have a ring for me?
Well, Lily, it wouldn't be a wedding
without a ring.
Yay. Loving this!
Daddy, move.
Okay, I guess I'll just go sit on the
groom's side.
Oh, come on, Cam. It's fun.
Oh, it's fun. It's--it's super fun!
You finally got married! Hooray!
- Oh! - Are you okay, sweetie?
What do you think?!
This is very rare indeed.
Geekus nerdipithicus in its natural
habitat.
- Alone as usual. - Mine.
Hey, give it back.
Gloria asked me to record Manny's birthday.
Mom!
Alex, give it back To your brot--
Mm, sorry. I tried to care.
This is everything I made at the boutique
 Modern.Family.S04E12
last week. Hey, what was the headline again?
I'm not gonna have any money left for me. Oh, yeah. "He's denim-ite.",
Should've thought of that before you got What an embarrassing week you've been
thrown out of school. having.
You live here, you pay rent. Ooh. Yeah. Mm.
You used to be fun. I'm just trying to stay fresh creatively,
You used to be--what? Oh, yeah, at college. you know,
Uh, hang on. Wait. made my bones in men's apparel,
Gloria says that we are surprising Manny and now I'm working with these local
6:00 tonight, boutiques...
but she wants us there at 4:00, just trying to get into girls' jeans.
which means she's expecting us to do the - Phil! - There's no Phil here!
setup. These jeans just slipped on me so
I say we leave here around 5:00. perfectly.
Great. My name must be pantsarella.
That's Kenny from work. Boom! Comfortable, right?
Oh, I'll get it. Like a diaper. Mm.
We're going to a street fair, - Well, we should get going. - Oh, yeah.
so we'll just meet you guys at the party. Um, but you wanted to say... Something.
Oh. You've been spending a lot of time - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah.
- with this Kenny from work. - Stop it right - Okay.
now. Uh, listen...
Is it gettin' romantic? You made it seem like you had jeans for both
- N-- - Yeah... of us,
- Well... - Yeah. And Claire hasn't gotten hers yet, so...
Mom, this is Kenny. And, dad, you already - I am so sorry. - Don't worry about it.
met. Here you go.
Uh, yeah. First of all, Kenny, sick - Enjoy. - Kenny, you're amazing.
ponytail. - No, man. - Have fun.
Oh, thanks, man. You're amazing.
- Kenny designs jeans for our boutique. - I love him.
Uh-huh. Phil!
Oh! That reminds me. I got something for - You think he likes me? - Phil!
you. That is a date. They're going on a date.
What are you, a 32-34? What? He's practically my age.
What are you, 36, 38? Okay. Uh, yeah, right, right.
- What are you, in my mind? - Put 'em on And what middle-aged guy would be
your body. interested
Will do. Will do. in a young, attractive, newly legal woman?
Phil, honey, d--uh-- Oh, that's right! All of them.
Kenny is kind of a big deal. That's not true. I wouldn't.
What does that fashion web site call you Really?
again? Hermione Granger?
a "Jean-ius." Spelled like "Jeans." - What? - Mm-hmm.
Mortifying. I'm just a "Harry Potter" Fan.
And a "Rack star." Ohh., Yeah.

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Has she blossomed into a lovely young lady?
Yes, but--Luke,
I'm never telling you anything!
oh, my god, Jay! Look how beautiful!
Look at this. But the bookstore is empty.
That's why China's kicking our ass.
Ay, no. 59.
We're so late, and we still have to pick
up the drinks.
Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me.
Sir? This is my cake right here.
How about I'll just leave money, I take it?
Sir, if I did for you,
I'd have to do it for everyone.
Not if you just did it for me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
We're in a hurry. We have a birthday party.
Oh, why didn't you say something?
We don't see many of those around here.
You think you can intimidate me with that
attitude?
- What do I look like to you? - 34!
Thank you, but the point is that my son is
waiting in--
Gloria, it's not worth it.
We don't need these people.
- Jay, we need... - Come on. We'll get a
better cake.
Are you crazy? How are we gonna...
I've got it covered. Excuse me, miss?
I'm sorry I raised my voice in there,
especially in front of the baby.
I know how delicate they can be.
Oh, you're so nice to say that,
but you know they're sturdier than you
think.
In fact, every day I learn these little
mir--
Yeah, take care now.
Hey, honey.
Daddy, what's in the bag?
Oh, it's a present for Manny,
and I also got your other daddy a little
something
'cause he's been feeling down today.
How's your eye, sweetie?
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Oh, it's fine. It's just a scratch.
Let's go this way, honey.
Oh, Cam, are you wearing a suit to Manny's
birthd--
Okay, let's get your hospital band off.
I like it.
- Okay, that can be your "Something blue"
then. - Cam?,
Daddy, I wanna drive my car.
A car? Oh. A car.
Just a second, sweetie.
Okay, does anyone know a reason why these
two shouldn't be wed?
She's my wife.
Okay, so by the power vested in me by the
State of Candy Land...
And Utah.,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Daddy, I wanna play with my car now.
Okay. Of course. Yes, sweetie.
But remember, we have to walk down the
receiving line.
Oh! What a turnout.
Cam, y-you got her a car?
I can't help it that you skimped on your
wedding.
Okay, look, I-I know what's underneath all
this, all right?
Right now in your life,
- you're feeling, you know, very... - No.
Please do not turn me marrying my daughter
into something ugly.
Lily is having the time of her--
Cam!
Oh, please. Do not blame me.
We always knew there was a strong
possibility
she'd be a terrible driver.
I know we're running late, Claire.
We'll be there soon.
Just start setting up.
What do you mean, "Surprise, surprise"?
Hang on. I've gotta go. You take care.
- What's the matter? - Jay, I can't find
the parking ticket.
Calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, good. It's a male attendant.
What does that mean?
How would you get out of this situation if
I wasn't here?
Hey, pal,
My housekeeper forgot her ticket.
You're going to need to back up, go up to
the third level,
and find the pay station.
Ay, you can't just let us go?
I know I put it somewhere here but I cannot
find it now.
Pay station. Third level.
Maybe you can let us go now,
and then next time I do you two times?
The only way you're going to get out
is to go back to the pay station.
Actually, there is another way.
You okay?
Let's drive through something else!
The gala celebration is only minutes away.
Delectable refreshments,
excited classmates,
And what's this? The most beautiful sight
of all?
Go away!
He's old. She's young. It's gross.
Honey, nothing's happening.
Young people seek out older mentors all the
time.
When I was 17,
I was really close with my friend Stacy's
mom.
Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader,
so she knew just how to massage my legs
after practice.
She had her own homemade Bengay that didn't
burn
no matter where she rubbed it on me.
If I had the chance to go over there,
I never missed an opportunity.
I think maybe you did.
Oh, I forgot the present in the car.
Oh. All right. I'm gonna go take a squirt
while you grab it.
- I know! - I love us!
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It's crazy!
- I'm gonna fight him. - Phil.
No, Claire, I'm gonna fight him up real
nice.
How about you start with a threat?
Hey, Claire, um, could you help me with
this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta go around the other side.
- I need to keep my eyes on Phil. - Ooh,
what's happening?
He's about to drop the hammer on Haley's
new boyfriend.
He's twice her age, and it's disgusting.
Yeah, reminds me of
a certain manager at the Cheesecake Factory
that you dated.
Oh. Todd.
He had a camaro... and power.
Ugh! He was nasty. You just did it to get
a rise out of dad.
Yeah, well, look how well that worked out.
It didn't bother dad at all, and then I was
stuck with a guy
who smelled like potato skins
and said "Supposably".
Well, you have to admit, dad played that
pretty brilliantly.
You know, after a few weeks,
you got bored with him, and then you dumped
him.
I did.
I dumped him up real nice.
- Phil. - Claire. Oh, come on.
Phil, you can't say anything to Kenny.
- What? - No.
I know why Haley is doing this.
She's doing it to get back at you for being
so hard on her.
I did the same thing to my dad.
First of all, I'm not your dad.
And do you think I'm just gonna let this
happen?
Trust me. The more it bothers you,
the longer he stays.
The more we ignore it...

Up top, dad!
Yeah!
Nailed it.
...the sooner Willie Nelson's on the road
again.,
I'm so conflicted.
What you're saying makes sense up here,
but it's not what I wanna do here.
And I just feel so damn comfortable down
here.
I forgot to tell ya I put that in the trunk.,
Oh, I know. I had to reach under your jeans.
- I can't believe that! - We're so crazy!
It's adorable!
Wanna see outside?
yeah.
Sweetie, I brought you a cookie.
I ate at the emergency room.
You worked that in seamlessly.
Oh, come on. It was-- it was an accident.
Stop beating yourself up. Hey, let's go
mingle.
No. You know what?
Some of my students are here, and I'm just--
-I'm not in the mood. -All right.
Cam, we're gonna talk about this. I know
what's going on.
You're obviously going through something
at school.
You're struggling, and I have just made
things worse
By bragging about what a hero I've been at
work recently.
And it--it's-- it's not a competition.
You know, my victories are your victories.
Your defeats are my defeats.
Hey, Mr. Tucker! There he is!
*Bow across a cello string*
*Piano keys a hammerin*
*Voices raised in harmony*
*For our dear ol' Cameron*
We love you, Mr. Tucker! We love you! You're
the best!
Bye! Bye!
Yeah, it's been a nightmare.
And thank you for assuming I'm terrible at
第 5 页 共 9 页
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my job.
No.
Hey, everybody. Sorry we're late.
We got caught doing a bunch of stuff.
Or not doing a bunch of stuff.
Okay, manny is going to be here soon,
So let's go over the plan.
When we hear him coming, we turn off the
light.
Then when he comes in and turns it on,
We all scream "Surprise!"
You got a pen? I wanna write this down.
He's coming up the driveway!
He's here early! Hurry up!
Hurry! Hurry!
Ahh, shh, shh, shh.
Quick. I don't want the neighbors to see
us.
You're sure we're alone?
Yeah. They're not home till 6:00.
Good, 'cause I wanted to give you your
birthday present.
Actually, I'd like to see your face.
It's harsh, I know.
I begged them to put in a dimmer.
No!
Surprise.
Manny, we're so sorry. We didn't mean to--
What? Ruin the greatest moment of my life?!
Thanks again, mom!
And the surprised becomes the surpriser.
This party had everything.
Manny
Manny, please come out.
Unless you're here to cut a food slot on
my door,
You can leave now.
Nobody's going to make fun of you.
Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut.
I just gave them a full-blown sex scandal.
Everybody's so excited to celebrate with
you.
Ay, no.
The baby was ready, but I was not.
It was bad enough that manny had to share
his mother.

I couldn't let him share a birthday, too.
You stay in there!
I thought you wanted me to come out.
I do! I do! Come out!
We stole you a beautiful birthday cake.
Gloria, tag out. Let me give it a shot.
Yes, you fix it.
Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, kid.
That was rough.
Go away!
But there's an upside.
The best thing about kissing a girl
Is you get to tell your friends.
The problem is, they never believe you.
But you had witnesses.
We're gonna be talking about this one for
years to come,aren't we?
You said it, Kenny.
Manny seems to me like a-- like a real old
soul.
Kenny is amazing at telling the age of a
soul.
Thanks, babe.
Age is nothin' but a state of mind, you
know?
I mean, I'm probably more of a 14-year-old
than he is.
Believe me, I know 14-year-olds.
He has a 14-year-old daughter.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, cool!
Oh, honey! You don't have to do that. They
have a gardener.
Trust me on this.
I want to,
But you're just so wrong about so many
things.
Just keep practicing.
Hey, cam, I-I'm so sorry that I insulted
you earlier.
I thought that there was something going
on at work,
And, obviously, I was wrong.
Well, you're wrong again. It is about work.
This is a fun game.
I didn't bring it up before because I was
embarrassed.
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But yesterday was the best day I've had at
work yet.
I clicked with the students, the teachers.
- I finally felt like I belonged. - I get
it.
You couldn't possibly get it. I'm in the
middle of my story.
I'm sorry.
Every day at 2:30, I call Lily,
And we dunk a cookie together.
And yesterday,
I forgot.
Forgot my own daughter.
And obviously, she resents me for it.
It's why she asked you to marry her, to get
back at me.
Okay, here I-I need to point out that she's
5
And not a character from "Dynasty."
And as much as I try to connect with her,
I just keep making it worse.
Maybe you're just trying too hard.
Everybody, come in!
Manny's coming down.
Somebody pick up that towel before someone
trips.
Okay. I got it.
Daddy!
Okay! Daddy's coming! What's wrong with
me?!
Okay, everybody. So,
We sing, then presents, then cake.
That's a colombian tradition.
And we do not speak of what happened before.
Nobody saw anything.
That's another colombian tradition.
Here he is, the man of the hour!
Happy...
Gloria, you okay?
No, I'm fine! I'm fine.
Hap--aah! Aah!
No way! She peed!
Her water broke!
So far, 14's not my favorite age.
No, it's nothing! Keep singing! Keep
singing!

Ha... Ay! Stop it!
We're gonna pop on over to the hospital.
Pizza's on the way.
You think about it, run a mop over this
area?
Ay, manny! I'm so sorry, okay?
And the birthday video becomes a nature
film.
Luke, come on.
Oh my gosh! It's happening!
Manny, I am so sorry about today.
I just wanted you to have a happy birthday.
And speaking of birth-- days...
Don't listen to him.
I'm not letting this baby out before
midnight.
This is your day.
I'm not gonna let you share it every year,
okay?
Mom, look.
Yeah, I've felt a little neglected lately,
but I've had you to myself for 14 years.
That makes me a little sad.
Oh, please. If we had actually forgotten
his birthday,
he'd be out right now kissing a cute
brunette.
Things work out.
You know that I love you no matter what?
You're trying to hold another person inside
of you
to spare my feelings. Message received.
Ooh, that's a strong grip.
Ah, that's a--that's a-- that's a--
Ah, she's gettin' close.
She's at, like, 8 beautiful centimeters.
Hey. I don't think we've met. I'm Kenny.
Hi. I'm disgusted.
Mitchell, she won't even look at me.
Well, she can't really look at anyone.
Oh! Look who's back...
Again. What happened this time?
He threw me in the pool.
No, that's not what happened.
It kind of is.
Luke, come on. We don't need to relive it.
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- Daddy! - Oh, look at this.
- I'm coming! Daddy's coming! What's wrong
with me?! - Mitchell.
When she fell in the pool, she screamed for
daddy.
She calls you "Dad." She calls me "Daddy."
- She got scared, and she called out for
me. - See?
I guess daddy was worrying about nothing.
But, you know, I can be silly sometimes.
- You're always silly. - No, you're silly.
No, you're always silly.
No, you're always silly.
Oh, my god. What's wrong with me?
The contractions are coming a little bit
closer.
I think we have to call for a nurse.
No, no, Jay! No, please! I'm sorry.
For what?
I don't know yet,
but I know that babies make mothers crazy.
and I'm going to be making mistakes,
and the I'm going to be blaming you.
Please don't leave me.
You're a little emotional right now.
But it's been so long for me,
and a hundred years for you.
Are we still going to be good at this?
It's gonna be an adventure,
but that's what you and I do best.
Look at today.
I can't ever remember having more fun with
you.
I'm so lucky.
Now get out.
- But I thought you wanted me to-- - No,
not you.
Get out!
Hey. Let's go.
Oh, right.
Hey, guys?
So Kenny and I were thinking about going
to this restaurant.
Oh, sure. I don't have a problem with that.
Do you, Phil?
No.

In fact, it has been such a pleasure
getting to know Kenny, it's our treat.
Are you kidding?
No!
Give them your credit card,Phil.
Also, uh, this restaurant is pretty far
away,
So we might be out late.
Well, sweetheart, you are only young once.
Oh, might even make sense to just stay in
a hotel.
Okay. Put it on the plastic!
Great!
Okay. See you tomorrow!
Bye-bye.
It's my ex-wife--
Not the good one.
What do you want?!
Nice game of chicken, Claire. She's gone!
She is coming back. I am almost positive.
Almost?!
Why do I listen to you? Why?
You were wrong about the ipod being a
failure.
You were wrong about tomato being a
vegetable.
I don't even want to talk about your
favorite "Planet" Pluto!,
And unless she was lying to the good ladies
of "The view,"
It's "De-mi," Not "Dem-mi"!
You were going to let me go with him?!
Isn't that what you wanted, honey?
What's the matter with you?!
You've been acting so weird ever since I
left college!
For the record, you didn't leave college.
You were asked to leave.
Oh, which you guys never let me forget,
especially dad.
Honey, your father--
Oh, you don't have to tell me what he thinks,
okay?
I'm a huge disappointment to him.
I see it on his face every day.
He acts as if he doesn't even want me
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Modern.Family.S04E12
around.
Give me the ticket for the car.
- Phil-- - I'm going after her!
This little chicken game may work for you
dad,
but it doesn't work for me. That's my little
girl.
I need her to know
that no guy on earth is good enough for her,
let alone some slimy, middle-aged jean
salesman!
What's this?
Just enjoy it.
There's all kinds of milestones in life,
The kind you expect to live through--
The first kiss.
Birthdays...
Graduations.
If you're lucky, a wedding or two.
Or even a new addition to the family.
Then there's the kind
you never dreamed you'd get to live through
again.
So adorable!
So sweet!
Oh, my goodness!
Look at him. He's perfect!
Look at him. He's so cute!
And that's the best kind of all.
Why am I spoiling it for you?
You'll see for yourself.
- Oh, was it difficult? - Ay, si.
It was the most painful 20 minutes of my
life.
Oh, well, look at that!
- You're skinny again. - Yeah.
Yeah.
So wait. He--he's my uncle?
No. He's your half-brother-in-law.
He's our uncle.
Half-uncle or full uncle?
What's a fuluncle?
Okay, so don't feel like you gotta stick
around.
- Okay. We'll see you tomorrow then. - Okay,
we'll be back tomorrow.
 Modern.Family.S04E12
- Bye, uncle. - Congrats.
- Bye. - He's adorable!
Is he?
I don't like this one bit.
We'll talk.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【643】-

Modern.Family.S04E13
As great as it is bringing a baby home from
the hospital,
there's one sound you absolutely dread
waking up to...
Relatives.
I really never saw these wedding pictures,
mamá.
How handsome and young papa looks.
Ay, it makes me sad.
Ay, I know that you miss him.
No. Look at my ass.
There are two things in that picture I don't
have anymore.
Ay, mama, que loca.
Sonia, can I help you?
No, no, she's fine. It keeps her busy.
We need more corn. Gloria, where is your
garden?
I will harvest some.
They don't live that way, honey.
Gloria, give me the keys. We'll go to the
market.
Hey, you're all awake. I didn't hear you.
Oh, look at my two handsome men.
Mi nio, my little Fulgencio Umberto.
You know, about the name, we're not
entirely sure...
Sonia, vámonos. Good-bye, Fulgencio.
Say good-bye to Fulgencio.
Good-bye, Fulgencio.
His name is Joe.
You tell her that we're not naming him
after her dead husband or his father before
him.
- His name was-- - Please don't say it
again.
Jay, I cannot go against my mother's will.
But she likes you.
Maybe if you convince her...
Fulgencio Umberto-- the initials are F.U.
Pritchett,,
which is exactly the way it feels right now.
Is there some kind of dress code for
godparents?
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-【644】-
Modern.Family.S04E13
You're not wearing a fedora, Phil.
Can you pick up the dry cleaning?
That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
So I got delayed picking up Lily from dance
class.
Now Gloria's got me running around
doing a thousand things for christening.
Son of a bitch.
It's not that bad, really. I'm just--I'm
venting.
I couldn't believe it. Somebody's balloons
were blocking my billboard. Philboard.
My Philboard.
Can we wear the same outfits at Crispin's
party
that we're wearing to the baptism?
Oh, you know what? I don't know.
Because you wanna be subdued at church
and then fabulous at night.
You know who would make a fortune?
The designer who comes up with the little
black dress for men.
I'm bored.
I know, sweetie, but daddies are talking
about what we're gonna wear tonight,
and that's a difficult conversation.
- Cry me a river. - Lily.
I-I'm not loving this attitude.
You seem a little mean.
Sorry. Should I call you a wah-mbulance?
Oh, my gosh. She has been so snarky lately.
I know. I've actually been getting nervous
when we're making her late for something.
Because of what she said the other day?
- "Today, ladies." - Hurtful.
You know, she hears us doing it,
So we--we should try and be less negative.
Model some better behavior.
Yeah. Well, you know, if it's a model she
needs,,
She's come to the right place.
- Oh, boy. - Hmm.
I wish Lily was in here,
so she could hear me not comment on that.
I get it. You're modeling.

Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again.
I-I got cut off by your machine.
I'm, uh, not sure where I left off there,
but I'll attempt to be brief,
As I do appreciate when people do the same
for me.
Anyhoo, uh, your balloons are co--damn it!
Is anyone home? Mom!
I need her first. Mom!
She's out.
Why is she always gone when we need an
adult?
- I can help. - What's with the cage?
- Science project. - Mom, where are you?
- Out. It's just the three of us. - Four.
- I need her. - Rats.
I know, right?
Guys, I'm right here. What do you need?
No, it's okay. We're good.
- Okay, never mind. - No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Family meeting. Everybody grab some 'za.
We're gonna talk about this.
Listen, I know you guys like to go to mom,
because she's Mr.Tough guy problem-solver.
She gets results.
Yeah, she does. She does. You're right.
Like the last time we got pizza from our
favorite place here.
Remember that? We got shortchanged,
She cursed a blue streak and got our money
back?
How's that pizza, by the way?
- Pretty good. It's okay. - Liars!
It's garbage.
That's not Scardino's, it's Scandoni's.
You know why?
'cause your mom's little blow-up
got us banned from Scardino's for life.
So maybe your mom's way isn't always the
best way.
Now why don't you guys tell me what's going
on?
I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party
next week.
Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye.
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Karen Sullivan heard about it,
and decided to have the same party...
tonight.
Not groovy.
I accidentally called my teacher "Mommy".
My "Friend" Reuben went around and told
everyone.
Oh, hey, Reuben,
do you remember that class field trip to
the zoo
when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed
your pants?
I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus
ride home
when he had to sit next to mom--
Ms. Bockman! Damn it!
Our neighbor's out of town,
and she's paying me to move her car on
street cleaning days.
Now I would just park it in her driveway,
but she already has a camper and a cord of
wood there.
Pretty sure she's a lesbian.
Anyway, easy money, right?
Oh, my god, I can't see anything!
Hard starboard!
What does that even mean?!
How much longer do I have to block people?
I'm late for the airport.
Dylan, you are being no help right now!
Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with
dispatch
for drinking all those little waters.
Drive! Do it now!
How do I tell her I snapped a branch
on her beloved lemon tree?
I mean, she boils the leaves
to add a scent to her own work boot oil.
Did I mention she plays in two softball
leagues?
Now what are you guys gonna do?
You gonna have your mom go around
and yell at all these people and burn a
bunch of bridges?
Or are you gonna talk to your Reubens,
your Karens, your lemon... lady,

tell 'em how you feel,
appeal to their human side?
The choice is pretty simple, huh?
So she's out all day?
- I'll try her cell. - It's off.
I texted her while dad was talking.
Pilar, I brought you a coffee.
Oh. I put a little something extra in it.
Jay, you devil.
Hey, by the way, look...
it's beautiful, no?
It's the dressing gown for Fulgencio's
christening.
All the men in our family wear this.
What's one more son in a dress?
Oh, tradition. Oh, it's so important.
I have a gift in here for little Fulgencio.
That has been in my family for three
generations.
You know, about this naming thing--
In America, it's not real common to hear
the name Fuljencio.
It's "Ful-hen-cio."
- Hen? - Hen.
I don't need to practice it 'cause I can't
name my son that.
I'm just being honest with you.
No. No, no, no, no, that's good.
That's good. I should be more honest with
you sometimes.
Well, we've known each other a few years.
I don't like you, Jay.
nah. We can act like everything is fine for
the family,
But, you know, I have never liked you.
The way you take whatever looks good to
you--
you know, like my daughter or the last piece
of meat.
You're always too busy to pick me up at the
airport.
You send a total stranger with a cardboard
sign.
- Hi, grandma. - Hey.
Hey, buddy. Get over here.
I sure do love the cross you got me.
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But do I have to wear it today?
It's kinda hard to close my shirt over it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You do whatever you want, Padrecito.
I know that's the way in this house.
But if you wear it, ooh, you'll make me
proud.
It's been in my family for five
generations.
- Okay. I'll walk you out, buddy.
Is anything in her family new?
Just you.
Okay. Excuse me. Sorry.
All right. Here we've got the deli platter,
and there's more in my car.
But those are not from Rumpernook's.
No, because the cheese at Rump...
I don't go there anymore.
I'm going to do the laundry.
Okay, Sonia. I love you so much.
Wow. Pretty cozy with the new housekeeper,
huh?
She's my sister.
Wow. Pretty weird with your sister.
She likes to keep busy. But I feel bad for
her.
I have so much, and she has nothing.
Okay. Well, people make their own choices.
It's not like you're responsible.
No, no.
Maybe just a little bit.
I was older and I had opportunities to
travel,
and I took them.
Well, it didn't prevent her from going
anywhere.
No, no.
Maybe just one time.
There was a letter that arrived from
America
about a job opportunity.
And it was only for one person,
And I went.
But it's not like the envelope was
addressed to her,
And you opened it and...

you're evil.
I had to get out of there, Claire.
You just strapped on those high heels
and walked right over her back, didn't you?
Maybe a little bit.
Where is the river?
Hey, boys!
Crispin.
Hey, shouldn't you be preparing
for your annual party of the century?
It's done and it's perfect.
In my mind, I'm already into next year's.
Listen, I'm here with Brett.
I don't know if you've seen his new look,
But you are going to have a heart attack
and die.
No one's dying.
- It's just an expression. - Yeah.
Hey, handsome.
Yep, I did it.
Pulled the trigger and got a perm.
You sure did.
Did it myself, right in the kitchen.
You don't need to spend a million
to look like a million.
Uh, you know, my coffee's probably ready,
so...
Bye.
Okay, that's like a chia pet, right?
Maybe a drag production of "Annie"?
Oh, actually, Lily,
I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting
that Brett has feelings,
and we need to try and not hurt them.
Yes, and maybe we should remind Uncle
Crispin
that when you say nice things to people,
they say nice things back.
Well... Consider me reminded.
Gotta run.
Yeah, we'll see you tonight. Bye.
Okay. Yeah, can't wait. Can't wait.
He's funny.
Yes, he is, but he can also be biting.
- He bites people? - Well, with his words,
Not with his teeth like Xander from art
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Modern.Family.S04E13
class.
We need to confirm he got his shot.
Yeah.
Oh, my god. Okay, Crispin--
"Too many rsvps. Have to make cuts to party.
Maybe next time." Sad face.
Because we refuse to abuse,
we get banned from the party of the century?
Does somebody need a wah-mbulance?
No.I do not need a wah-mbulance.
Hey, kids. How was your day?
I knew the answer to that question.
I'd had kind of a busy day
going around solving everyone's problems.
I started by going to see my buddy Stavros
the florist.
Stavros, I assume?
Yes?
I just wanted to welcome you to the
neighborhood.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, I brought you some sandwiches, by the
way.
How good is lamb, huh?
- Nikos! - Oh! Gotcha.
Get back in there.
I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Oh, no. No. I...
That's when I realized my kids didn't
understand
the concept of killing with kindness
because they'd never seen it.
So I decided I'd prove it to them
by going on a huggacidal rampage.
Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs?
Quiddiculous!
Hey, listen, buddy,
I heard about Luke calling his teacher
"Mommy."
Epic fail, by the way.
But, you know, since you're one of the cool
kids,
maybe you could get the other ones to ease
off a little?
Cool. Air bump.
 Modern.Family.S04E13
Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy from down the No. These are all my clothes.
street. But... I do miss the simple things at home.
We haven't met. I was actually calling So tell me, how-- how are things in the
to leave a message for your wife, village?
just to say thanks for hiring my daughter We had a flood.
Haley. Ay, but it--it wasn't a bad one, right?
Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus We had a boat.
over for a glass of wine, Ay, that's great.
or--or, uh, maybe you and I could go out We had a boat.
for a boys' night. Are you dating anyone?
But anyway, if you could-- You remember Antonio Marquez?
Damn it! Yes, of course.
Hey, Karen Sullivan. Alex's dad. The most handsome boy in the school
Well, look whose teeth got so nice and with those beautiful eyes.
straight. His father with the wooden leg...
Who wants to go first? He lost it in the flood.
- Are you kidding? - Are you crazy? So is it serious?
What are you trying to-- Don't look at that.
One at a time! I won't. Trust me.
You called Ms. Cooper a man! Please. It's pathetic.
No, I didn't. Crispin's been getting all of our friends
- I got her husband Lee on the machine. - to text us the details of his great party.
There is no husband! Such torture, huh?
She's Lee! Oh, catering by Amelia's.
Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Topless valet parkers.
Cooper - Sting. - Exactly.
who you invited out for a glass of wine! No, Sting is at the party.
Thanks to your little charm offensive with Mitchell, I wanna be there.
Karen, - Cam. - No, come on.
one thing did change about her party-- Who are we kidding? You do, too.
I'm not invited! Today, ladies!
"Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"? Okay, right there. That.
Now the whole school is just laughing at That is why we are making the sacrifice--
both of us. For our daughter.
Stavros, hey! Oh, yeah, you're right.
Why not?! I mean, I'm the last one who should be
What? complaining
Change of plans. when, let's face it,
This isn't over. Lily's snarkiness is my doing.
I want you to wear something beautiful Well, what's done is done.
tonight. Let's just get ready for church.
So please, choose. Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel
What is this room? guilty,
This is the closet. you know, when it's mostly my fault.
So all the people of the town, I get it. Just don't beat yourself up.
they leave their nice clothes with you? Hey. Pocket square? No pocket square?

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-【648】-

Really? You're taking zero of the
responsibility, or...
Oh. Were you trying to get me to take the
blame?
Maybe just a little.
Oh, and deny you the chance to play the
martyr?
Look, Cam, if you're looking for me to be
the bad guy,
you're snarking up the wrong tree, okay?
You are the one who can't let a single
situation pass
without making a comment.
Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today.
I think it'll make you feel better.
I think I already do.
Right to my face, "I don't like you."
Nobody doesn't like me.
I'm Jay. I'm-- I'm salt of the earth.
Why are you inhaling my baby?
Oh, they only smell perfect like this for
a little while.
Yeah. That's the stuff.
From day one, I've treated this woman like
a queen.
I've flown her back and forth,
I've... I've tasted her native food.
You know what chin tastes like?
Mm. 'cause I do.
And now to find out...
What? I'm listening.
You're rubbing yourself with the baby.
I have seen you french kiss your dog.
She was taking a treat out of my mouth.
That's a trick.
I am sure you know
what I find funny about this situation.
What?
You have an in-law who, no matter what you
do,
No matter how hard you try, you can't win
over.
What about it?
Wait. That doesn't sound familiar?
You're not saying...
Yeah, I am.
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Son of a bitch, I'm Phil.
Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold.
Here. Why don't you take my jacket?
Sure, yeah. Make me the rude one.
Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out
that we're both to blame here, all right?
But let's not turn this lovely event
into a competition. Here you go, sweetie.
Oh, you know what? You're right. I
shouldn't be picking at you.
But don't forget to light your candle.
I think everyone in the immediate family's
doing it.
Oh, yeah? Okay. Good--good idea.
What the hell is that?
Some kind of gay protest thing?
It's a candle, dad. What are you talking
about?
You' purple panty tail.
Oh, no. Oh, come on.
We're in church, Mitchell, not some disco.
You did that on purpose!
Oh, this stained glass is beautiful.
Now listen, before we dunk the kid,
You mind if I make a few casual remarks?
I think you already did.
Claire asked me a good question--
How did Phil win me over?
Well, he hasn't yet.
But when he stops trying so hard,
and he acts like a real person, he comes
close.
That's what I needed to do with Pilar.
I'd like to tell you the story
of how I came to meet my incredible wife,
Because up until the birth of this child,
It's the best thing that ever happened to
me.
Mm, that feels good huh?
So it's morning. My car's getting waxed.
I hop in the diner.
I hear this adorable accent.
I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to
her friend.
I send over a piece of pie.
All class.

Couple of minutes later,
who comes over to thank me but Gloria,
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Amen.
She sits down, we start talking,
And we haven't stopped talking since.
But here's the crazy part--
I didn't send the pie to Gloria.
Her back was to me.
I sent it to her friend,
who went to the bathroom and missed it.
And that person is here today--
Gloria's sister Sonia.
Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate
can change the whole--
You stole my life!
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
I got Sonia!
No more. I want my own life, my own bed,
my own e-mail account!
Yeah, leave your poor old mother alone.
Don't worry, mama. You can come and live
with us.
Whoa. Pump the brakes here.
What? Do you have a problem with my mother?
No. Your mother has a problem with me.
You think she's helpless. Ask her what's
in that box.
It's not the family gun?
Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria,
I am there for you.
What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me?
You might go for a walk in your closet one
day
And never come back!
See what you're missing? Huh?
Where is Luke?
I think he's the one standing next to
Matthew.
Phil.
He was feeling a little under the weather.
I let him stay home.
Or is he just too embarrassed to leave the
house?
Why would he be embarrassed?
Because dad tried to fix all our problems,
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and instead, ruined all our lives.
Nightmare.
You girls are so dramatic.
Do I need to call you a wah-mbulance?
- Did you hear that? - Yes!
Claire's been driving Lily to dance class
all week.
That's where she gets it from!
We're not bad parents. Claire is.
I said I wasn't gonna cry,
but, oh, boy, here it comes.
No, no, Cam. Not with those.
Okay! That's it!
We're in a house of god, damn it.
Fine. Everyone just abandon me.
Pilar, all due respect,
no one's buying the martyr act.
Not even this guy.
You ask me, you've been keeping this one
under your thumb
'cause you're afraid of going on with your
life.
But you're an attractive woman with a lot
to offer.
This could be an opportunity.
I don't even think I knew what happiness
was till I was 60.
And the hits just keep coming. Okay.
Sonia, we're gonna help you get your own
place,
have some independence.
And if you ever get lonely,
you come visit us as much as you want...
With--within reason.
- And we'll send this one down to visit you.
- What?
But he's not gonna become a priest 'cause
he likes girls.
Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em.
So... Everybody think about it.
But not for too long.
There's an A.A. Meeting here at 6:00.
Sonia, please, let us do this for you.
I really want you to be happy.
Can you forgive me?
It will take some time.
 Modern.Family.S04E13
As much as you need. Don't ever ask me about my business,
And some dresses. Claire.
As many as you want. What are you talking about?
And some shoes. Don't ask me about my business.
You're angry now. I wasn't.
Whatever happened with the kids, Good.
I don't want you to feel bad about it. Don't.
I don't.
I now invite The godfather and the
godmother to join us.
Don't worry.
I will take care of everything tomorrow.
That may not be necessary, my wife.
Phil and Claire, as godparents,
Are you ready to help
the parents of this child in their duties?
- We are. - We are.
Do you renounce satan?
- I do renounce him. - I do renounce him.
And all his works?
I do renounce them.
And all his empty promises?
Oh, my god!
I do renounce them.
Godfather, is it your wish that this child
be baptized?
It is.
In the name of the father and the son and
the holy spirit,
what name have you given the child?
Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.
May god be with you all.
Thank you, Jay.
We're never gonna call him that.
So I heard that somebody
released a bunch of rats into Karen
Sullivan's party the other night.
And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into
her lemon tree.
Luke isn't having any problem at school
anymore,
because Reuben admitted he made the whole
thing up.
Isn't that crazy,
how all our of kids' problems just
disappeared?

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-【651】-
 Modern.Family.S04E14
why did you even say that you were going
Modern.Family.S04E14 to teach him?
Okay, hold still, honey. Because he's how my grandkids get food.
I'm afraid you're going to hit me again. There he is.
Don't worry. I'm just putting this time. Ay, thank you so much for taking care of
I'm not the strongest golfer, the baby.
and I think it's holding me back in Cam has me running all kinds of errands for
business. the play.
Too bad deals aren't closed in a trampoline Yeah, well, you gotta keep your eye on the
park. caller I.D.
I'd just lazy-back into a Rudolph I have to go to the dry cleaners to pick
into a quadriffus right up the corporate up the costumes...
ladder. Then I have to go get the dry ice for the
Hey, dad, you coming to my play tonight? fog machine.
"Your" Play? You only painted the sets. And maybe I'll go get Cam some flowers.
Yeah, and Michelangelo "Only" painted the Oh, Alex can help you with all that.
Sixteenth Chapel. Oh, perfect. Okay, let's go.
Maybe don't keep your face so close to the We can't be late,
paint cans. or there won't be any dry ice in the house.,
Sorry, buddy, I'm getting a golf lesson - Good one. - What?
and then I'm playing with a client, You guys have fun. Go on. Nothing to worry
But I'll try to make your next performance. about.
-Phil! - Little busy. I got it handled here.
Oh, you always do this. Be careful.
You cram stuff in the freezer without Don't worry, just keep your mouth open.
thinking about it. We're fine. It's fine.
I opened the door, and a frozen turkey Okay, can I have everyone's attention,
almost fell on my foot. please?
I keep pulling it to the left. Reuben? Hit me with a spot.
Are we sure the house is level? That's a little harsh. Throw a pink gel on
Are you not the least bit sorry? that.
I could have broken a toe. That's great. Perfect.
Honey, I'm sorry for dozens of things All right, I will be recording today's
every day that actually happen. rehearsal,
If I start apologizing for things that but don't let that make you self-conscious.
don't happen, I'm only using it to pinpoint your
how productive of a person would I be? mistakes.
Hey, your golf pro's here! Secondly, I have granted full set access
- Hola, hola. - Hello, everybody! to Maureen Schick,
Thanks so much for the quick lesson, Jay. who will be reviewing your show tonight.
Just think of me as a blob of clay, Uh-oh, she's vicious.
waiting for your experienced hands Our last music teacher, Mr. Namagachi,
to caress and coax me-- never recovered from her article,
First rule of golf-- shh. "Anything blows."
- Okay. - Good. But in fairness, I saw that production,
If you're going to be a grump all day, and the lead soprano was an absolute

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-【652】-

disaster.
No offense, Sophie.
You've blossomed since then, sweetie,
okay?
No batteries in her mic, okay? Great.
And lastly, Marcus Talbot.
Guys, he's feeling a little under the
weather.
Fear not. He's home resting his instrument,
and he will be ready for the show tonight.
But I will need a phantom for this
rehearsal.
So, anyone...
I guess I could help.
I don't know how Marcus ever got the lead.
But I know how he got sick--
from chewing all that scenery.
This was my chance to earn it back
from that insincere phony.
But first, a silent prayer for our fallen
captain marcus.
Godspeed, old friend.
This is boring. Is he dead?
No, he's not dead. He's just sleeping.
Babies need to sleep a lot
so they grow bigger and stronger and
smarter.
Hey, Mrs. D. Hey, Lucy.
Every time.
Well, that's a nice shirt.
Thanks. I designed it myself.
It's my best seller.
I'm so jealous you know what you want to
do with your life.
I wish I was inspired like you.
Or, you know, aim higher.
Open yourself up to some new experiences
and find out what--
- Oh, my g-- - are you okay?
Fine. Just...
slipped on one of your father's stupid golf
balls.
Good, you woke him up.
Maybe he's hungry. I just fed him,
but I don't think bottles can live up to
the real thing.
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Maybe I can calm him down.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, but he's super
fussy today.
And when babies are fussy, they--they...
Yeah, I'm good with babies.
You should see him play peek-a-boo. He's
amazing.
No. I'm good.
I know a guy in Chicago-- he's amazing.
Dang it!
Are you kiddin' me? That divot flew out of
there like a rocket.
I decided to go gentle with Phil,
which didn't come easy to me,
because I've always been a bit of a drill
sergeant
when it comes to sports.
And with the new baby,
Gloria's been buggin' me to have more
patience.
But come on. He's been alive a month.
How hard is it to support your own head?
What the hell?
Hello, boys.
What a sweet ride, Pepper.
What are you guys doing here?
I've been golfing for a few weeks.
Pepper's been teaching me.
I grew up golfing with my father,
the great Chaim Saltzman.
Or as he was known around the clubhouse,
Chad Treadwell.
Well, we should play together as a
foursome.
First time that word's creeped me out, but
okay.
Care to make it interesting?
I think your pants have already done that.
How 'bout a hundred bucks?
Me and Phil will play you and Mitch.
Fun. Mitchell, care to go first?
Oh, I...
Okay. Yeah. I'll-- I'll give it a whirl.
Running into my dad was no accident.
I wasn't the best athlete growing up,
and my dad never missed an opportunity

to point that out.
"Nice throw, Nancy!"
Nancy was our neighbor.
I could never throw as well as she could.
I'd pretty much given up on beating my dad
at anything
until Pepper dragged me to a golf course
one day.
Turns out I wasn't half bad.
Six months' practice later,
I was ready to kick my dad's ass.
I knew just how I was gonna do it, too.
I'd walk up to the tee all nervous,
do a few clumsy practice swings,
and then I'd hit that ball dead center,
watch it arc through the sky, land on the
green,
and totally wow my dad.
Oh, no.
Wow.
*It's over now, the music of the night*
Okay. Great job, everyone.
Thank you. But it was really everyone.
Give yourself a round.
Oh, Marcus's mom. Shh.
Fingers crossed.
Why is it taking you so long?
How hard is it to paint a wall?
A lot harder than your so-called singing.
At least this is supposed to be flat.
I once saw a monkey paint a wall.
Yeah? Did you say, "Good job, mom"?
Mono? But he's my lead.
My career depends upon this.
The district is this close to cutting my
funding,
and my fingers are very close together
right now.
- *Nighttime* - Just let me talk to Marcus.
- *Sharpens* -he would never turn his back
on this company.
We are like family here.
*Stirs imagination*
I'm sorry. We're going another way.
*Silently the senses*
*Abandon their defenses*
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Modern.Family.S04E14
Any news about Marcus?
- Why are you whispering? - Saving my voice,
just in case.
Oh. Well, marcus is out.
But luckily, I found an even better phantom
right here.
I wouldn't say better, but since you did...
Luke. I was just about to ask him.
- Luke? - He knows the show,
he sings like a nightingale,
and he has a certain theatrical madness in
his eyes
you cannot teach.
That's just from all the paint.
Oh. Uh, Luke?
Stop it. Are you trying to spook him?
What are you talking about?
He's already intimidated by you after you
criticized his sets.
Oh, please. I could not be the only person
that found his unicorns distracting.
Let me talk to him first.
If I can't get the job done, then you step
in...
Kind of like the way an understudy
would traditionally take over when the lead
finds himself--
Yeah. Just do it.
Hey there, luke. Or should I say, phantom?
You wanna get to the point?
'cause I'm kind of on a schedule,
and this paint keeps making me fall down.
Marcus is out, and Cam wants you to take
over.
Really? Well, I do know all the songs.
Stop trying to talk yourself out of it.
You're doing it.
It's only for two nights.
You're doing it again, looking at the
negatives.
Look at the bright side. What if you don't
screw up,
humiliate yourself, and get mocked
forever?
- I'd get mocked? - Only by the cool kids.
But who needs them?

You're one of us now.
The theater geeks.
*Vermont is snowy*
*Las vegas is showy*
*And those are the capitals I remember*
what if this had been at the top of the
stairs?
I mean, I really could have gotten hurt,
right?
Uh-huh. Lily, I made you lunch.
Peanut butter. My favorite.
It's just hard to believe
that somebody could be so oblivious
to a situation that is clearly dangerous.
Look at us. We're like a little family.
I know.
- We're the parents. - I know!
I know what his response would be--
"But you're fine. Why you getting all bent
out of shape?"
But what if I wasn't fine?
What if he walked through the door,
And he thought he had created a horrible
accident?
Oh, this is so fun.
Good. She's gone.
Grab your camera.
I'm gonna make his little hand flip us off
again.
No, it's not just me.
Three mothers are giving the party,
and we need all our names in the card--
Gloria Pritchett, Sara Leonard, Dee Cho...
What do you mean that there's no more room?
Dee Cho must go on.
Okay, come on. That one had to be on
purpose.
Okay, we'll be there then.
They won't be ready until one more hour.
You maybe wanna take a shift carrying this
dry ice?
No, I just had a baby.
I've watched you carry Manny to bed.
I know what we can do to kill time.
My psychic is around the corner.
Please tell me you just said "sidekick."
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I used to think that I knew everything, too.
We're going for a reading.
I'll let her know that we're coming.
You have got to be kidding me.
I'm trying to remember the telephone
number.
What is happening to me?
All right, what are we, 3 strokes down now?
I think someone needs a Pepper talk.
How is that a Pepper talk?
You need to get angry. Play aggressive.
That man's been mitch-slapping you and your
entire life.
I know, but... he's being so nice to Phil,
and Phil is way worse than I ever was.
I don't know.
Maybe he's not the unsympathetic jerk he
used to be.
Okay, so you got off to a rough start.
Let's simplify.
On this shot, I want you to just concentrate
on bending your knees.
- You got it? - Bend my knees.
Bend my--
Dang it! Straighten my knees.
Son of a bitch, you're a hopeless
embarrassment.
You're kickin' up more sand than a sea
turtle layin' eggs.
Did you see that?!
Yeah, that wasn't half bad.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry I yelled.
No, no, no. That's what I needed.
My old tumbling master in college used to
yell at me all the time.
It just made me better.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
He'd say terrible things about my manhood,
He'd throw the chalk bag at me,
He'd call me and taunt me over the summer
to keep me sharp.
So bring it, Jay!
You stink, Phil.
You're the worst thing to happen to golf
since they let people wear shorts.
You just told me to--

No, that's part of it.
Did you hear that?
And he wasn't just talking to Phil.
He was talking to 10-year-old you
and 12-year-old you and...
Suck it, Nancy!
I was just trying to help.
Just listen with an open mind.
She doesn't believe in psychics.
It's not just psychics.
It's all unquantifiable phenomena.
I'm going to save you some time.
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
Maybe not now, but soon.
You see?
- That means-- - Shh. Go on.
You are going to meet someone special.
I see a handsome man on a horse,
like a knight.
Well, I am going to a renaissance fair this
weekend.
Yes, I know.
There's no renaissance fair.
Even if there was, I wouldn't go.
I'd be the laughingstock of the young
astronomer's club.
But I couldn't tell Gloria her
fortune-teller was a fake...
Not until I had a little more fun.
I see that you're smiling. You're enjoying
yourself.
I know it sounds crazy,
But could you please tell me what happened
to
myy bunny Buttons, who ran away when I was
5?
Never had a bunny. Hate bunnies.
I see a farm...
with a red barn.
I know who's in the barn!
It's like scrabble with Haley.
After a while, you're just playing against
yourself.
Okay, everyone, look sharp, please!
The press is here!
As I was saying, Maureen, I was really at
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an advantage
having seen the broadway production.
I was able to learn from their mistakes.
For example, in my production,
The phantom appears in the first scene,
because after all, it's not called
"Christine and Raoul of the opera."
I have two sources telling me
your lead is home with chicken pox.
- Uh, mono. - Make that three sources.
Oh, damn, you're good.
Um, permission to speak... off the record?
Denied.
Okay, fine. Well, then...
See for yourself in just a moment.
Tonight a star will be born.
- Cam? - Not now, Manny. I'm birthing
something.
Sometimes in the theater,
the real drama happens before the curtain
rises.
Observe.
Luke Dunphy,
How would you like to play the starring role
in Cameron Tucker's Andrew Lloyd Webber's
"Phantom of the Opera"?
Nope.
Luke Dunphy, is it true you passed
because of creative differences with an
overbearing director?
Say nothing to that jackal!
Manny, what happened?
I tried my best.
He started hyperventilating just thinking
about it.
I guess some people just aren't comfortable
taking center stage.
Okay. Well, maybe we can pump Marcus
full of whatever they gave those bike
riders.
He's too sick.
But don't worry, Cam, you'll think of
something.
It's always darkest right before the...
Reuben, could you keep that thing still?!
Okay, well, I guess we only have one option.

- I'll do it. - Hmm?
I was gonna say play the role myself,
but, you know, I guess it really should be
about the kids.
Now if I had tripped on your father's golf
ball,
say... top of the stairs,
probably would have--oh, no!
Taken out some pictures.
Look what you've done, Phil!
Mom!
It's okay. It's finally sleeping.
Hey, we should take a picture of all of us.
Then once you get going, you know, you just
can't stop.
You're taking everything down with you.
And then, to make it perfectly clear
to your father what happened,
I'll put the golf ball right here,
because some people can't see the danger
unless it's right under their nose.
Having kids is fun.
And easy.
Maybe this is what I should do with my life.
Oh, he's such a little angel. I want one.
Haley, little dude needs his sleep.
I wanted to tell Haley
about the dangers of starting a family too
early,
but what could I say
that couldn't be said better by a screaming
baby?
Mom!
Oh, sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me today.
- Mom! - Still good.
- Sorry. - Would you just get out of here?
Yeah. Yeah. Totally sorry.
It's my--
Sorry.
When he wakes up, we should all go out for
ice cream.
I was thinking the same thing.
What are you doing?
Minding my own business.
Wait. Ice cream might ruin Lily's dinner.
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So?
So I spent all afternoon cooking.
I thought ice cream would be fun.
All you've done today is have fun
while I did all the work.
I'm just trying to make the most of it with
these kids.
I don't have as much time with them as you
do.
What, by spoiling them?
Who's that? Who's texting you?
It's just about work.
Typical. Even when you're here, you're not
here.
Why are you this upset about ice cream?
If that's what you think this is about,
then you haven't heard a word I've said!
I-I'm confused. Why do we even have these
kids?
I don't know!
I'm going home!
Good!
Oh, fantastic.
One stroke down on the final hole.
It's such a big putt. Such a big, big putt.
I like big putts, and I cannot lie.,
Money.
You know what'll be sad? You doing all that
practicing
to finally be able to beat your old man,
And coming up just short.
I almost...
can't watch.
You're up, ace.
I was the same way with my father.
It's always complicated.
Not for mine. My dad was just supportive.
Never missed a tumbling meet
or a break-dance brawl.
Heck, I'd set up the sound system for our
school assembly,
he'd be the loudest voice in the crowd.
"Hey, everybody! Check out my son's
equipment!"
- Aw. - Yeah.
Hey, seriously, good luck.
 Modern.Family.S04E14
You played good. I'm proud of you. - You have. It's the worst. - It's the
- Really? - We should do this again schmaltziest.
sometime. Unbearable.
Don't listen to him. I'll play it on the way back. I have it on
He's "Cat's in the Cradling" you. my iPod phone.
- What? - He's playing on your emotions *And the cat's in the cradle*
so you lose your edge. *And the silver spoon*
I do it to my son all the time. *Little boy blue and the man on the moon*
Did he say "Son"? *When you coming home, dad?*
Yes. He's a Navy Seal. *I don't know when,*
Oh, I've said too much. *But we'll get together then.*
What's "Cats in the Cradle"? *You know we'll have a good time then*
You know, that song about the dad who misses I should have golfed with you sooner, dad.
all the important moments in his kid's I never made the time.
life? Luke!
Stay strong, I need to call my son.
just like Kyle did in Yemen. What time is it in Damascus?
Oh, my god, I'm a sieve. Why don't I just draw them a map?
All right, Mitch. Showtime. Ready to play, Phil?
Five. Six. I can't, Carl! My boy's sets are in a play!
A-five, six, seven, eight. I get the feeling that something wonderful
Yes! has happened to someone you know.
A hundred bucks! Yes, it's Manny.
Oh, we did it! He got the lead role in the school play.
Now I can afford the shirt that matches Yes, that's it.
these pants. Okay, I think you might have met her halfway
So... drinks in the clubhouse? on that one.
Can't. My kid's in a play. Do you feel that?
Yeah, I'm meeting a client for another A presence has just entered the room.
round of golf. Or the A.C. kicked in.
Hey, if you see Luke, will you give him a Gloria, I have to say something.
hug for me? It's your abuela.
Will do. Hey, I was serious Which one?
about we should play again sometime. Is she smoking a pipe, or is she smoking
It's a crazy thing a cigar?
that if I'd been less of a hard head when A cigar.
you were a kid, My mother's mother.
we could have had 20 years in this dumb I miss her so much.
game. She says she misses you, too.
No, it was half my fault. I wish that she was here now to see
I mean, I-I used to be pretty sensitive. Fulgencio Joe.
So y-you really weren't She has seen him,
"Cat's in the cradling" me back there? and she says he is beautiful.
Of course not. He is, isn't he?
How have I not heard of this song you keep Tell her that I love her.
talking about? She knows.

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-【658】-

Thank you so much for that.
You see now?
I think I do.
*The music of the night*
Okay, Manny, quick question.
Did you forget the notes I gave you
or just choose to ignore them?
Where are you going with that?
We need an extra one up front.
Mr. Namagachi decided to come.
Oh, you mean the disgraced teacher I
replaced
suddenly has an interest in this
production?
He's parking his peugeot right now.
Wow, the vultures are officially circling.
Okay, Manny, it's no secret
that you were not my first choice for this,
or my second.
But it's not too late for you
to make this your very own phantom.
So I want you to watch what Luke did,
and copy that.
*Silently the senses*
- *Abandon their...* - He was glorious.
Every note, every nuance... I was
transported,
and I was furious.
But my quarrel wasn't with Luke.
It was with god.
Save a seat for your sister.
Excuse me. I think that's my seat.
Dad! What are you doing here?
Are you kiddin' me?
My grandson paints the sets for a play,
and I'm not gonna drive in from Florida,
hmm?
Is this one taken?
All yours.
That sweatshirt...
I'm on the tennis team.
We're the valley science knights.
The knights?
*Nighttime sharpens*
*Heightens each sensation*
- What? - *Darkness stirs*
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-【659】-
Modern.Family.S04E14
- That's Luke. - No.
*And wakes imagination*
*Silently the senses*
- *Abandon their defenses* - That could
have been you out there.
No, it wouldn't have been right.
I'm sure you would've gotten some of it
right.
Not what I meant.
Hey, thanks for meeting me here.
No reason we can't mix business
with a little pleasure. Am I right?
I'm just excited to find someone who enjoys
this sport
as much as I do.
I'm gonna be straight with you, Carl.
You got a ton of inventory to move,
and you're in need of a serious realtor.
Hup hup!
So how firm are you on your commission?
As I think you can see, I'm quite flexible.
I'll be honest, Phil, I like you.
I think I'm ready to move forward with this.
Really? Well, I'm thrilled.
Hey, you know, we could make this official.
Nice form, son!
I'm talking about that contract, of course.
You still got it, dad.
That's my dad.
Hi.

Modern.Family.S04E15
Clive Bixby.
What a sexy surprise.
Quick question.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because you--uh...
I'm gonna come in again.
We are watching baby Joe on Valentine's Day
so my dad and Gloria can...
- Make love. - Ew. Don't.
The point is, we are celebrating a day
early.
So they can finally be intimate.
You've... more than made that point.
I'm just saying it's a long wait after
giving birth.
Six weeks.
I couldn't keep my hands off this one for
that long.
I can only imagine what Jay's going
through.
Voila.
Square knot. Impressive.
I can make any kind of knot.
It's like I have a sailor in my mouth.
I should check on the kids.
Haley took 'em to a movie. She's not even
gonna answer.
I know, but, sweetie, I have a good reason
to worry.
Luke had that nasty nosebleed this morning,
and Alex, as usual, fainted.
She's fine, and Dunphy men get nosebleeds.
I told you this when we got married. It was
in my vows.
I'm still a little unclear as to why you
put them in your vows--
Just finish that drink, pretty lady.
We got a big night ahead of us.
Okay.
First, we have a date with romance.
A threesome, if you will.
From here, we move on to an old-fashioned
blimpnic.
Now is that the one where the man has to
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face out at the woman...
It's a picnic on a blimp.
Champagne, cheese, and this beautiful city
beneath us.
That actually sounds really romantic.
After that, we swap our earplugs for some
earmuffs,
And take a few moonlit turns around the
local ice rink.
From there, it's a quick trip back to the
hotel,
- where... - I'm spinning.
Well, I wouldn't start with that,
but, uh, we--we can work our way up to it.
No. I'm feeling really weird.
Catch that, Clive? Just tell me what you
want.
Juliana?
Claire?
One of you needs to answer me.
Blood pressure's still good.
I think I can send you home.
Great. So it was probably just low blood
sugar or something?
See, honey? I told you it was nothing to
worry about.
Well, it's not nothing.
You did have a small heart episode.
Dr. Coben, this may have been my fault.
I think I was being... too sexy.
Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.
You sure about that?
Um, doctor, you're not saying that
I had a heart attack or something, right?
Not at all. What you have is a very minor
arrhythmia,
known as wolff-parkinson-white syndrome.
It's hereditary, so you're off the hook.
Oh, yeah. My mom has that.
We'll treat it with medication
and have you back in a couple of days.
In the meantime, just take it easy.
Okay. Thank you!
I guess we should tell your dad
we can't watch the baby tomorrow.
No. No.

I don't want everyone to know about this.
They're just gonna get worried
and--and make a bigger deal of it than it
is.
Sweetheart, promise me?
I promise. I know it's not that big a deal.
This is a huge deal...
for which I'm partly responsible,
in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor
says.
Hey, honey, I was just reading about this
wolff-white thing.
It's not that serious. You're gonna be
fine.
I know.
Who's ready to hit the ice?
- What? - Come on.
Somebody promised me a moonlit skate.
But didn't the doctor say you needed to take
it easy?
Oh, that's just one of those things they
have to say,
Like, "You can't drink when you're
pregnant."
Come on. We're not gonna seriously blow off
valentine's day,
are we?
No. I just thought why... ice things down
when we could heat things up?
- Oh, I like where this is going. - Right?
- Yes. - Yeah?
Ye--no!
Honey, I know what you're doing.
You're treating me like a patient,
- and you promised that you wouldn't. - No.
No, no, no, no, no. I just had a better idea.
What?
Side-by-side couples massage.
Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian guys
to work us over good.
Specific.
What is that?
You think the kids are home?
That sounds like more than our three.
They think we're not home, and they're
having a party.
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-【661】-
Modern.Family.S04E15
- I'm killing them. - No, no, no. No, no,
no.
"A"--it's my turn to kill them.
"B"--you need to order up those massages.
It's under "Best number one U.S.A.
Coca-cola good time massage."
What the hell is going on?!
Dad? What are you doing home?
So this is how it is?
We're gone for a minute, and you guys throw
a party?
No!
Just texted mom we're having a good time
at the movies.
It works every t--aah!
- So this is a regular thing? - No!
You know the drill. Coolers our
b--aah--ack!
Enough! Turn off the music!
Everybody who I did not create, get out of
my house right now!
I don't want to get upset.
I've been through enough tonight.
- What happened? - I'm not supposed to tell
you.
When you say it like that, we make it worse
in our head.
Fine. It's no big deal.
Your mother had to go to the hospital.
- Oh, my god! - What?!
That is so much worse than it would be in
our heads!
She's fine. She just passed out a little.
Something to do with her heart.
- Like a heart attack?! - Mom had a heart
attack?!
- Mom almost died of a heart attack?! - No!
She had a little episode, probably
triggered by me.
She just needs to rest.
For once, let's not think about ourselves.
Phil, everything okay?
Fine! I'm coming!
Just act like everything's normal.
Oh, and if, uh, two Cambodian guys show up,
Send them to our bedroom.

Kids had a few friends over.
I handled it.
So you're good at handling things.
You like?
Me love, but is this appropriate massage
wear?
They were busy, which is what we should be
getting.
Honey.
Honey, are you sure this is okay for
your--aah!
Salty.
I still have a few moves.
Mm, that's the chips, sweetie.
- Oh, sorry. - Right.
Mom, we need to talk to you.
Dad told us not to say anything,
But we're really worried about you.
- You told them?! - No!
You had a heart attack?
- Phil! - That is not what I said.
Kids, everything is fine.
- Call 9-1-1! - Oh, god!
Her heart exploded!
Oh, my god! I did it again!
Phil, it's your nose!
This is the one thing--
The one thing I ask from you is not to make
a big deal of this,
And you couldn't even do that.
Honey, you need to stay calm.
No, I don't, because I am fine.
We are all fine.
- Oh, god. - Haley, revive your sister.
Not in the mood for an apology, Phil.
Good, 'cause you're not gettin' one.
I'm allowed to worry about you.
Yeah, when there's something to worry
about.
But this was nothing. I told you, my mom
has this.
Which I just found out about today.
How has that not come up in 20 years?
I was... getting to it.
Look, I know you feel like
you have to be the rock for this family
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Modern.Family.S04E15
and worry about everybody's boy problems
and nosebleeds
And... who has enough greens.
They're supposed to cover half the plate.
Claire, stop it.
I'm saying you could let us take care of
you
every once in a while.
Like for example, when you clutch your
chest and collapse.
This house isn't gonna crumble in the dust
if you let yourself be vulnerable.
We don't know that.
We could find out.
It was kind of scary.
Of course.
- Until I knew what it was, and then-- -
Don't ruin it.
I just have one more question.
Did it hurt?
Well, I blacked out before I--
When you fell from heaven?
Nailed it.
You just take care of Claire. We got Joe.
Gloria?
Si, mi amor?
Happy valentine's--
Wait. Wait. Wait. Time-out.
That was Phil. They can't watch Joe today.
Claire was in the emergency room last
night.
- Is she okay? - She's gonna be fine,
- But, you know, she had a little bit-- -
Okay, good.
I love how you look in this suit.
Let's see how it looks on the floor, okay?
Okay, but I gotta be in a meeting in one
hour.
Ay, that's so cute that after six weeks,
you think you're going to need an hour!
Happy valentine's day!
It's the one time of the year
when the world tries to be as romantic as
I am all the time.
- Good luck, world. - Get out.
Anyway, since you're almost done dressing

Jay...
How about we head to school early?
I'll check my hair and meet you in the car.
Gloria, I'll be back in two hours, tops.
We decide who does what when you come back.
I got a ticket running a red light...
So let's make this worth it. Put the kid
down.
I can't. He's being a real Pritchett.
We need to come up with a different term
for that.
Watch.
Watch.
Okay, I used to have a TV got reception like
that.
Let me try. Hey, Joe Joe. Hey buddy.
Guy to guy,
you're blocking me a little bit. You know
that.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Joe.
Hey, how about a half-hour? What do you say,
pal? Huh?
Can you do it?
Attaboy!
I've never been more attracted... to you.
Prove it.
- Are you kissing? - That's a bit of a mood
killer.
My daddies kiss a lot.
And flatlined.
Mitch and Cam are having a party for
valentine's.
Claire was supposed to take care of her,
but now she can't.
Lily, we're so happy to have you here.
I have a big surprise for you!
Look! A brand-new, shiny TV remote!
Looks complicated.
Just keep hitting all those buttons until
something good happens.
That's my plan, anyway.
Where were all these distractions
the night that Joe was conceived?
I'm kidding. He's a blessing.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm Harlan. I'm here to do your baby
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-【663】-
Modern.Family.S04E15
proofing.
Jay, I've been waiting for this appointment
for weeks.
I've waited longer for mine.
The human race has survived for a thousand
years
without these foam bumpers and--and gates
everywhere.
Hell, I used to drive to the supermarket
with Mitchell and Claire on the hood of the
car.
When did everybody get so overprotective?
Maybe when kids started flying off cars.
How long?
Normally I have help, but Dale, uh...
You met Dale at the shop. He's a tall guy.
- He's my sister's kid-- - Hey, listen.
You and I are gonna bang this out in about
an hour.
Where do you want it?
I know a lot of people think that I'm
attracted to Jay
because of his money, but they're wrong.
I'm attracted to him because he's sexy,
And he's never been sexier than today.
The suit...
The carrying of the boxes...
No, no. You listen to me.
You've had my wife's car four days.
Figure out what that screeching noise is,
or you'll be making one yourself.
The yelling on the phone...
Give me that.
And the drilling.
So much drilling.
Time to go, Harlan.
Okay. You want me to walk you through any
of the--
- No, we'll take it from here. - Okay. Uh,
listen.
Give me a call if you have any trouble with
the gates,
because they're a little tricky, you know?
You gotta be gentle with it.
Ten seconds, or I start without you.
Ready or not, here I...

Come on!
Okay, you have to lift it.
It's not a lift. It's a squeeze.
Okay, then squeeze it!
I'm squeezing it! It's impossible!
Jay, please.
Best day ever!
I just got invited to a valentine's party
by a secret admirer!
- You should go. - Sounds great! Go!
I obviously need to get dressed first.
Can you keep it under a half-hour?
You're funny.
Manny, come on. Let's go!
Relax.
You don't have to drive me. It's just down
the street.
Oh, I thought I... had to drive you.
What's with the hat?
My secret admirer requested
I wear a hat with a feather in it.
I'm like, "Which one?"
Really?
This secret admirer have any other
requests?
Uh, yes.
She asked me to bring some poetry to recite
at the party.
These, uh, kids at the party...
they wouldn't be the popular ones by any
chance?
The most popular. Why?
No reason. Just... Have fun.
I will.
No, Jay.
It's squeeze.
What? I have cigar breath?
It's not you.
Ay. Did you already...
What?
No!
No. I'm worried about Manny.
I think he's being set up for
some kind of humiliation at that party.
Oh. That's so sweet of you to worry.
Just when you thought that you couldn't get
Modern.Family.S04E15
any sexier.
- Yeah, he's fine, right? - Yeah, he's fine.
Come here...
Oh, I think I gotta check on him.
There was something about some kind of
secret admirer
- getting him to... - Bring his poems?
Yeah, he told me when I was lint-rolling
his jacket.
And you're not worried it's a prank?
Of course I worry.
I worry about him all the time.
But like you said,
we can't protect them from everything.
So I'm just trying to, like, let go a little
bit.
Let him ride on top of the car?
No, that's just crazy.
That's the hardest part, isn't it?
When you realize you can't stop the world
from hurting them.
Now you're making me want to cry.
This is not what this day is all about.
You're right.
Okay.
I'll go and get us some champagne.
Good idea.
Manny?
No, nothing.
Just wanted to know if everything is okay.
Hi, honey. Sorry to bother you.
I know you're resting.
I heard you had a little scare last night.
Hey, uh, when are you going back to the
doctor?
'cause if you want, I can go with you.
This year for Valentine's Day,
we decided to throw a lonely hearts party
for all of our single friends.
Sometimes when we're around them,
we feel a little guilty for having found
each other,
like we're waving our love in their faces.
There's gotta be a better way of saying
that.
Anyway, it was supposed to be an elegant

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-【664】-

affair.
Ogle me.
Showtime. Put the cat away.
Okay. Yeah. Great.
- Oh, and, Mitchell, please... Hey. - Yeah?
Please try to have fun tonight.
I always have fun.
No, I know you're great at stay-at-home fun
and sit-on-the-couch fun,
but this is party fun, and sometimes you--
Okay, this is not fun.
Get the door.
I will show you some fun.
Things got a little hazy after that.
Hello?
Yeah, hi--hi, dad.
No, no. I'm up. I am up.
Yeah, bring her by at any time.
Okay. Good night.
Oh, Cam.
Oh, god, that was some party last night.
Yeah. Well, I'm just glad you made it home
safely.
Wha--made--made it ho-- I don't--
I don't even remember leaving the party.
Oh, I-I think I got a little tipsy.
Tipsy?
You were like all of the "Mad Men."
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't make it out like I did a lot of crazy,
out of control--
I was hoping I dreamt that.
Come on. Like--like you've never had a few
cocktails
and died a cat pink with cherry Kool-Aid.
Okay. Well, is there anything else you need
to tell me about?
Not that I remember.
I'm remembering this.
Oh, my gosh, Mitchell,
are these Burt and Dottie Winchell's
Christmas decorations? How could you?
They never take them down, okay?
I was doing the whole neighborhood a favor.
Oh, god.
Cam, I... You know, I think-- I-I think
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-【665】-
Modern.Family.S04E15
there are pictures.
I remember Pepper and Longinus were--okay.
Oh, my gosh. Those poor reindeer.
Oh, it seems like Prancer is the belle of
the ball--
No surprise there.
Oh. You must be Vixen.
Okay. Okay. Not funny, Mitchell.
Look at this place. What were you thinking?
Okay. Cam, I... Yes, I went a little nuts,
all right?
I-I'm sorry.
But I didn't do anything that can't be
undone.
Hey, roomies.
Hey, thank you so much for letting me move
in here.
Yes. Could you excuse us for just a...
a moment, Dylan?
Yeah. Take as much time as you need.
It's your house. I just live here now.
Cam, did--did I tell him that he could live
with us?
- Obviously. - Oh, my god.
Was he even at our party?
Yes. He's been driving a limousine for some
company,
and J'marcus hired him for the night,
and now he lives here. Are you all caught
up there?
I-I don't remember any of this.
Well, let's create a new memory--
One where you tell him he can't live here.
Can I say one short thing?
I came to this house a broken man
after my mom threw me out for her new
boyfriend.
And then I found out
I was getting let go from the limo company
the same night Haley goes to a party without
me.
So I had nothing and no one.
And then you...
Okay. Come on. Tell him.
Let him finish.
I'm sorry.
 Modern.Family.S04E15
I mean, gay dudes have always been nice to Don't lie there. I just made it.
me-- Sorry.
I mean, super nice. Not looking. Not looking.
But nothing like this. It's okay, Dylan.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... I made you guys some soups.
Oh, my god. He's gonna sing. Oh, Dylan, you didn't have to do that.
*So many years living life underwater* Well, Cam didn't have to offer to let me
*Came up for air in the room of your stay here,
daughter* but he did.
*I never knew I would find my answer* So here are soups.
*In my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house* Cam offered?
*With the tiny pink panther* Well, I know he was speaking for both of
Dylan, Dylan. I'm--I'm sorry. you.
Oh, gosh, I--this is... You weren't home yet. Is that a problem?
This is really hard for me to say, Not for me.
but we--we just cannot... Dylan, can you give us just a moment?
Not wash our cat. Not looking. Not looking.
I'm sorry. I'll get it!
And yet when I did that drunk, not a So I guess in a way,
scratch. we're both responsible.
Oh, my gosh, this place is cleaner than when Yeah, but in the real way, you're
we moved in. responsible.
Best houseguest ever. Take care of that.
No, we are not keeping him. Come on.
Do you think he took the christmas Let's do it.
decorations back to the Winchell's? Oh, my god. I hate myself right now.
Oh, well, I think he thinks he did. What kind of monster
- What? - Okay, yeah. throws an injured innocent onto the street?
- Dylan! - Dylan! You can't live here. Get out!
- Dylan! - No, no, no! - Lily. - Lily.
Oh, hey, guys. I'm up here. It's weird. You're a big boy.
Yeah, hi. Listen, Dylan, - I'm sorry, Dylan. - She doesn't mean that.
those decorations were on the yard... No. She's right. Everyone says it.
Of that house. I need to stop running from conflict.
Oh. No good deed, huh? It's time to be a big boy and patch things
Hey! I can see our house from here. up
- Oh, jeez. Are you kidding me? - Dylan! and move back in with my mom.
Dylan! I'll get my things.
This day... - Okay. Sorry. - Sorry.
One night. Just till his bone sets. I guess I got off easy.
But there's always gonna be a reason not She is blunt but effective.
to tell him, Maybe we should have her talk to the
isn't there? gardener.
Okay. What if we, um-- Cam, um...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do you really think that I'm not any fun?
No "We." You made your bed. You lie in it. - What? - Last night, you said that I--

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-【666】-
 Modern.Family.S04E15
This isn't a hotel!
Yeah, you made your point, honey!
He's got it.
No, it--I only drank like that last night
because I... I was trying to be more fun.
Oh. No, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm sorry.
You know I have party anxiety. I was
nervous.
No, but you're not entirely wrong.
I mean, I-I could be a little... less
uptight
and loosen up a little bit.
Yeah. Maybe we could, you know,
aim for middle-ground fun.
You know, if--if you're up for a do-over,
I recently heard of an idea
that could put us in the low end
of upper middle-ground fun.
Okay.
Do you believe in love at first sight,
or should I walk in again?
- Jay? - Coming, honey! Oh, god.
There you are, Jay. I thought you'd never
wake up.
Turns out my night with my secret admirer
couldn't have gone better.
We danced all night. And the best part was,
- Her eyes were just... - Manny. Manny,
manny--
Dying to hear it.
Wait ten seconds and come in and tell both
of us.
Jay, you took so long.
I'm not done with you.
I'm not done with you, either.
Best valentine's party ever.
So there's this girl--
I should start from the beginning.
- All right. - So first a little history...

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-【667】-

Modern.Family.S04E16
Okay, here's the number for poison control.
Ask for Carol.
Honey, we're gonna be fine.
Enjoy your reunion.
Oh, it'd be a lot more fun if you were there.
I really am sorry about that.
I just can't miss the chance to bowl on
Jay's team.
That's why I ordered these glide rights.
If you break'em in properly, they're
supposed to give you
a completely frictionless--
If I'm being honest, the reunion might be
a little more fun
if Phil isn't there.
Otherwise, I spend the whole weekend
telling him who's who
and explaining inside jokes.
And if all that explaining is going out,
the alcohol is not going in.
Hey, mom. Before you go, you have to sign
this for school.
You don't have to read it. It's all
boilerplate.
Honey, I am running really late. Ask your
dad.
Right here, buddy.
S--uhh!
I have to get the letter signed
because I failed my assignment on the
Revolutionary War.
I recreated the battle of Bunker Hill
using one of my old science projects.
Seemed pretty revolutionary to me.
The brave patriots made their way up the
hillside,
prepared for whatever the devious Red Coats
might inflict next.
Now you work?!
- So, dad... - One second, buddy.
The salesman said when you're breaking
these shoes in,
it's easier to move side to side.
Son of a gun.
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-【668】-
Modern.Family.S04E16
He was right.
What do we got here?
I've waited a year for this day--
The annual trade association scratch
bowling tournament.
Last year, we lost to our biggest rival.
Frazier had Ali.,
Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets,
Closets, Closets.
It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl.
Ay, I knew the pancakes would bring you
down.
Just coffee for me today.
Black, like I feel on the inside.
Ay, Manny. Please, it was only one bad
audition.
No, three bad auditions--
Fall Assembly, "Phantom,"
and now the Spring Sing.
I'm a disaster.
You're always so dramatic.
Dramatic, mother?
I am sure that Cam is gonna call you today
and give you the solo.
You're always so hard on yourself.
Remember that you said that you didn't have
a face for hats?
- And? - I look great in every hat.
I can't hear you.
I look great in every hat.
Well, enjoy that while it lasts.
I had a pretty good hat run,
but then I saw a photo of myself from the
dude ranch.
I looked like Reba at the Grammys.,
I see that you found the fur.
Yes. Uh, you wouldn't happen to have a
feather boa, would you?
Are you wearing that to your Oscar Party?
No, Manny. We're not cliches.
Cam's decorating the party
with photos of Lily dressed as different
starlets from the--
W-we--we're cliches.
Hey, Gloria,
look what I found in my bowling bag.

Second place prize in last year's
tournament--
A spa day.
Oh, but it expires today.
Oh. Sorry.
I just wish that I could use this.
But today's the nanny's day off,
and I have a million things to do.
I have to buy diapers, I have to go pick
up the stroller,
I have to go to the doctor.
I hate wasting this, but...
I just don't have any time today.
Yes, I would have loved to go to the spa,
but having a baby has changed completely
the way that Jay's family look at me.
I am not anymore just Gloria that has her
hair done,
Gloria that goes to the gym.
Now I am Gloria the new mother--
the "I don't know how she does it" lady.
If the feather boa is not here,
it's at my cousin's.
I will go get it after the doctor, after
the pharmacy,
before the baby store, okay?
Honestly, Gloria,
I don't know how you do it.
Ah, found it!
- Help me. - Careful.
Oh, Gloria! Are you all right?
Ay, I told you to help me!
- I am so sorry! - I twisted my ankle.
Okay. Sit down right here.
I don't have time for this.
No, you--you can't walk around on that all
day.
No, I'm good. I'm good.
No. I will use...
the baby carrier as a... as a cane. Okay?
O-okay.
Now hold that. Hold that. Good, good, good.
Now smolder. Smolder.
Perfect. Perfect.
Let me guess--
You couldn't remember if I said "Boa" or
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-【669】-
Modern.Family.S04E16
"Baby,"
so you brought both.
Gloria hurt herself,
and it was kinda my fault, so I offered to
watch Joe.
Can I take a break? I wanna be alone.
Okay, where was that attitude when we were
doing Greta Garbo?
Okay, fine. Take five.
Hi, baby Joe.
Why don't you just sit a spell?
We're just makin' pictures.
- Why are you being all Missouri? - I don't
know.
I guess I'm excited to go back to the farm.
Is it that obvious?
You said "dagburn" at breakfast.
Have you booked our tickets yet?
You know, I-I'm not sure if I can get off
work.
Yeah, but you have to get the tickets
before all the good seats are taken.
You mean the ones that aren't on a plane
to Missouri?
Okay, sweetie, break's over.
It hasn't been five minutes.
Yes, but it has been five animal crackers.
Which is five too many to eat on a shoot
day. So...
No more! I quit!
Oh, my gosh. What has gotten into her?
We've been doing this for six hours,
and now all of the sudden, she doesn't love
it?
You know, I have a theory.
Okay.
Well, we're only halfway through
all the pictures that I wanted to do.
Lightbulb. Hello, baby Joe!
Well, you may as well be
a dead hobo in the woods of a small town
after a rainstorm,
because you have just been discovered.
I'm looking less and less forward to this
trip to Missouri.
Hey, handsome.
 Modern.Family.S04E16
Uh, can you sign this? You don't need to I have a ritual.
read it. I walk the lanes. I play two or three
Never do! warm-up games.
Right there. He's fine. I'll let you talk to him.
Oh. Quick--nature's sure-fire sunburn Darkness, please.
remedy? Aw, shoot. He's out in the pool.
Aloe? What do I have to do to make you go away?
Hey, Jay. Super excited about our big Sing?
match. Uh, I'll have him call you back.
I dreamt about it last night. My life is a music-less, gray hellscape.
Guess what? We won! Wow. Well, this doesn't look
Phil, I like you too much to sugarcoat like anything shopping can help you with.
what I'm about to say-- you're off the team. It's worth a shot.
Good one. Loosen me up with some pre-match Sorry I was so indecisive back there.
humor. I'm out of it today.
I like it. Well, you got what you want,
Nah, I found somebody better-- Rudy and that's what today is all about.
Sorrenson. Turn that frown upside-down.
He's in, you're out. Now you're gonna take this 15 local to get
Hilarious! home.
Stickin' with the bit. Keep both your hands tight on that bag
I love that this is our relationship now. because it goes through a few sketchy
This match is too important, and you're a blocks.
wild card. You're not driving me?
I'm sorry. Well, you kinda used up your drive time
Jay... deciding between those identical belts.
I'm not sure I like where this is headed. Okay. It's just hard. You know, Jay?
Phil, this is nothing personal. It's I mean, I've never been a quitter.
bowling. Well, new chapter for you. You got any
No, no, no. I get it. change?
Listen, um... I should get goin'. I mean, I always imagined I'd be a performer
My allergies are starting to cry. for life.
Hey, Gloria. I was just about to leave. I guess some dreams you just have to give
What's up? up on.
Manny just texted me. Did he tell you the Know when to fold 'em.
news? Here's a $50. Someone will have change.
Yes. Wonderful. We'll celebrate later. I can't sing, period.
No. He didn't get the solo. What am I thinking?
I think he's very upset. The 11 goes right by the house, and there
My glove. she is.
Where are you? Now text your mom when you get home.
At the doctor. He's checking my ankle. Good luck with your bowling!
Jay, I think you should try to cheer him Thanks, kid!
up. Yes. Yes!
Why don't you take him shopping? We've had my dad's baby for 45 minutes,
Gloria, my match is at 5:00. and he's already in a dress.

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-【670】-

Okay, Lily, I think we're ready for our most
important setup--
- Miss Shirley Temple. - Here.
Oh, wow. You're an even better assistant
than you are a model.
I don't care.
Okay, well, that came through in her
modeling.
Our daughter.
Okay, I know, but it just hurts, Mitchell.
It's the first one of our things that she's
outgrown.
Well, you know, but isn't it great that
we've raised her
to have opinions and interests of her own?
But this early? She's still so daggum
young.
Okay, is that another southern thing,
or are you just trying to remember her
Vietnamese name?
Oh, my gosh. This thing is stuck.
What? How--how could it be?
- It is stuck. - Oh!
I glued it.
W-w-why--why would you do that?
Because the Jane Crawford wig kept falling
off him.
It's Joan Crawford.
'cause that's what's important here.
- Okay. - It's--it's glued to his actual
hair.
Okay, Lily,
This is bad. This is very, very bad.
Sorry. I was trying to help.
Okay. Well, I should've seen this coming.
I replaced her with somebody younger,
and she sabotaged Joe's shoot out of sheer
jealousy.
Maybe she does have what it takes to be a
model.
Can you...
- Sing! - What?
I've heard you sing in the shower.
You sing in the car with me. You never miss
a note!
Your problem is doing it around people.
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-【671】-
Modern.Family.S04E16
Sing!
- You want me to sing now? - Yeah!
It's all in your head!
When you get over that little stage fright,
you'll never choke an audition again. Sing!
*I've been a puppet, a pauper*
- *a pirate, a poet* - That's not singing!
- Attack it! - *a pawn and a king*
*I've been up and down and over and out*
*And I know one thing*
What's that thing?!
*Each time I find myself*
- *flat on my face* - Yeah! Now you got it!
*I pick myself up*
Get in that bag! I know you want to!
*and get back in the race*
- Yeah! - *That's life*
- *That's life* - Sing it to me, baby!
*That's what all the people say*
Oh, my god. Is that Janie Gibbs?
Yikes. Her skin looks like
crumpled tinfoil you try to smooth out and
use again.
Remind me not to get old in front of you.
I don't even see the kids' faces anymore.
I know them by the decals on their laptops.
Professor Cooke.
Still the sexiest man on campus.
- Wanna know a little somethin'? - You dated
him.
How did you know that?
We were so careful with that secret.
You wore an oversized tweed jacket to
breakfast
and called my rabbit convertible
"Bourgeois."
Well, it kinda was.
We were so jealous of you.
He was so hot.
Jogging around campus in those dolphin
shorts.
And that wasn't even why I was with him.
It was his mind.
Do you know those people
who make you feel smart
just by being near them?
 Modern.Family.S04E16
I watched you guys once. I've regretted throwing away things way
Claire! more beaten up than Claire.
Claire's friend! So if this campus Casanova had thoughts of
He remembers me. reclaiming her,
Hello, professor. Guess what, hot shot?
It's so good to see you. Legally, I still own her.
Clearly, the academic life agrees with you. Man, I always wondered who'd be lucky
Oh, I guess we're all doing pretty well. enough
- Cheers. - Cheers. to marry the beautiful Claire Pritchett.
Here's lookin' at you, too. No luck involved, hombre.
Were you always like this? She saw, she liked,
Claire? she got pregnant, she had to.
Oh, my God. No way. Hey! Stop hogging this guy.
Tater! Oh, my gosh! Aah! I haven't seen him in 20 years.
I heard you're hugely successful. My Tater.
Yeah, well, you know, when all the hot girls Look, I've gotta run,
call you "Tater," But I'd love to have you guys by my
You tend to try a little harder. apartment
Adorable. Adorable! for a cocktail before dinner.
- You're adorable! - Claire! Oh! We are totally doing that.
Honey! Hey! Oh. We might have to go back to the hotel--
Hi, Phil! What are you doing here? No, no, no. Ah, that's what this weekend's
Uh... Your dad dumped me from his bowling for.
team, Having a laugh, meetin' new people.
So I thought I'd surprise you. I don't want to miss any of it.
Okay. Wait. Come here a second. And I don't miss much.
I-I thought you'd be happy to see me. Close the door! You're letting the steam
I am! No, I am! out!
I am happy. Is the wig coming loose?
Is something wrong? Oh, yes, Mitchell. It's completely off his
It's just-- it's a little bit embarrassing. head.
The guy that I dated right before you is We're just staying in here
here, so... because there's nothing babies and big guys
Oh. Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed love more
about. than 100% humidity.
We all have exes. Oh, my God.
So the guy you dumped right before you met Do you realize what Gloria's gonna do when
me is here. she sees this?
No big deal. She punched me when I got Manny that henna
Well... tattoo.
He might've dumped me. And not the side-of-the-hand way that I do
I thought you said you'd never been dumped. it.
Well...Maybe one time. This had rings and knuckles.
So...He dumped you, Don't worry. I'm working on a plan "B."
You healed completely, and then you met me. Or should I say...
Well... - Plan Bieber? - No.

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-【672】-

No, I just gave him a little bit of a
haircut.
- Give me the baby. I know. - Yes!
I mean, that's the great part of my
schedule.
We make it to Europe almost every summer.
But I'm sure you guys travel.
Well, honestly, I don't think I've been
anywhere
without a water slide in 15 years.
That's funny.
She's mentioned Esther, Dougie,
Tripp, Afro Judy...
The name "Tater"
has literally never even come up once in
the last 20 years.
Oh, I don't know why I'm surprised.
I was madly in love with her for four
years...
And I was basically invisible
until the day I choked on that tater tot.
Wait. Uh, I-I thought you were her ex.
I wish.
Oh! So, Phil, are you here all weekend?
No.
Well, that's too bad. I was gonna suggest
some activities.
The Palmer Center is doing
a wonderful retrospective of
impressionists.
Oh. That is a shame.
That's a field I know quite a bit about.
Phil. No.
Uh, you can see the influence, can't you,
of the, uh, early impressionists?
The, uh...
Rich Little,
the Frank Gorshin,
on the... Jimmy Fallon, if you will.
He meant the painter kind.
Yes.
- Freshen your drink? - No. No, not done.
You'd know if I was finished with
something,
And I'm not.
- Just the one then. - Yeah.
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-【673】-
Modern.Family.S04E16
What are you doing?
Sorry. Did I embarrass you in front of your
ex-boyfriend?
Yeah, I know about that.
Because I told you. Come on. You can't
seriously be jealous.
Phil, it was 20 years ago.
Reign it in.
Come on. You're embarrassing me a little.
Fine, but do you deny that part of the
reason
you wanted to come back here by yourself
is that guy?
I'm not even sure it's a bad thing, Claire.
We all wonder about the paths we didn't
follow,
But you could admit it.
Well, you can't be mad at me if I do admit
it.
I won't.
Well, I'm not... admitting it,
Because I couldn't be happier than I am in
my life with you.
But, mm...
I mean... Maybe...
a tiny part of me just wanted to sort of
peek through the window
and... see the life that might've been.
Never get tired of those three flights.
Maggie!
Say hi to everyone.
In a second, angel.
Mama's had a day.
Oh, I thought that was the bedroom.
You're in the bedroom, honey...
And the living room and the study
and the gym.
Mm. But anyway...
Listen to me. I'm being rude.
How is everybody? How's things?
- Not too bad. - Actually...
No, I'm literally asking you, how is it to
have things?
Yep, right on schedule.
Keep it down, ya hood rats!
Maggie, you were once a student.

I remember.
That's when I boarded this little rocket
ship to the moon.
Phil, wait. Thank you.
- For what? - Everything.
I'm not sure how that guy got to be a
professor.
He'd have to be pretty stupid to dump you.
Hey, the party's starting,
and there's a really good-looking guy
I was hoping to do a little dancing with,
so...
- You mean me? - Yes.
Wait. Before we go,
are there any more exes I should know about?
Honey, what do you think I was like?
Hey, Claire Pritchett!
Hey, Dean Stoller!
Super quick story.
All right, it's not too late for plan "C"--
We drop the baby and run.
What? No. You have to tell her what you did.
You scalped her baby.
I had to cut that wig off.
What did you expect me to do?
He keeps pulling his hat off.
Okay, well, you could've let me do it.
I have 32 hours of Vidal Sassoon training.
What? I left the program over creative
differences. Shut up.
Hola!
- Hola! - Hola!
Oh! There's my little angel.
How was he?
Uh... There--there's a funny story here.
Gloria!
Forgot about that baby...
And check out this one!
You beat closets, closets, closets,
closets, closets?!
We destroyed them!
And it's closets, closets, closets,
closets.
What did I say?
We went through this for a half-hour
yesterday.
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I can't do it again.
Nope. You're gonna have to tell her.
What? Why?
Because she has two new rings.
That--that's gonna take the meat right off
the bone.
Okay, Cam, you take the fall for me,
And I will go with you to Missouri.
I'll even go for a whole week.
Make it ten days.
Okay, fine.
But I don't want to meet anything on Monday
that I'm gonna eat on Friday.
Oh, well, that's gonna happen.
Oh! My perfect angel!
You got this. You're good.
You know, Gloria, do you remember
that chafing dish I lent you a couple months
back
that you returned with a chip in it?
Every time that Luke comes over,
he takes things out of the attic and leaves
them just...
everywhere!
Yeah.
Well, you know, funny thing about that
chafing dish
is it was my grandmother's, and it was given
to her--
Luke!
Oh, hey, Manny. Glad I ran into you.
Listen, I'm gonna give you the solo.
Really? You must've heard what happened to
me today.
I feel confident now and I know I can do--
Yeah, I don't care about ,any of that stuff.
I just need you to tell you mom
that you gave your brother joe a haircut,
okay?
No problem. How bad could it be?
Anyway, I heard you need a letter from
school signed.
I kinda nailed my declaration of
independence replica.
Forged every signature with this pen.
- So... - Stop.
 Modern.Family.S04E16
We have a deal. me to show them
I'll say I cut the baby's hair. that I was not the superficial Gloria that
And you give me that cool pen. I used to be.
- What? No. No, that's not what I was going Plus I was very relaxed after the day I had.
to... - A deal's a deal. Where are you?
A thief, Lily. At the doctor. He's checking my ankle.
That's who ate my last piece of cake What? Did you think I was gonna throw away
that my mother send me specially from a whole spa day?
Colombia. I'm coming, Fulgencio!
It helps you make the milk. Why am I doing this again?
Such a cool trophy. Dad'll get a kick out of it.
Say, how'd that new guy Rudy Sorrenson do? Like when we were young and used to wear
He was great. his shoes.
It's funny how he has the same name Now get up and take a few steps.
as one-time pro bowler Rudolph Sorrenson, Did dad ask for this?
which would be against league rules. No, but he'll love it. Maybe dance around.
Well, I'd find it funny. Okay, now jump.
Jay, hurry up. You have to take the kids What kind of video is this?
to the movie. You know what? I've gotta go to work. I'm
And why does the baby still have that hat sorry.
on? Okay, thanks!
He's going to burn up. What the hell?
Gloria, I have a confession to make. Finally!
I gave Joe a haircut.
It's bad.
Why would you do that?
My dad used to cut my hair when I was a kid,
And I thought it'd be a nice way for the
baby and me to bond.
But I just made a mess of things...
Like I... make a mess of everything.
Let me take a look at this.
- Ay, dios mio! - Wow. It's really bad.
Dad, why would you do that to your own son?
He's just a baby.
Plus you ate that cake.
Okay, enough. Leave him alone.
He could have invented some crazy story,
but instead he decided to tell the truth.
That's what families do.
- Yes, it is. - Right.
Okay, go. Go, go, go.
Lily, sweetie, we're leaving! Come on!
I know that they expected me to go all
Colombian crazy.
But this was just another opportunity for

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Modern.Family.S04E17
Look, I know you'r tired.
But just think how good you're gonna feel
tomorrow
when you wake up and we have all new shop
paper.
I wish I didn't get what you are talking
about.
But I do. I just do.
Hey, who could be calling at this hour?
It's Sal.
No. Not answering that.
Whatever earth-shattering drama she's
going through can wait.
Until she gets here.
Oh, God. I hope we have vodka.
We don't, Mitchell.
Sal was our best girlfriend
from back in our party days,
but over the years, we've kind of gone in
different directions.
We chose forward.
Why won't this open?
Uh, something's wrong with that door.
Okay, whatever. I have the most amazing
news,
and I'm super excited,
but I won't be if you don't want me to be.
Ready?
I'm getting married!
Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- I know! - Who's the guy?
Oh, the love of my life.
Oh, so you finally bagged your boss?
Oh! Yes, but it's not him. And I don't work
there anymore.
His name is Tony.
I met him three months ago.
He's the greatest guy ever.
And seriously, are you guys okay with this?
Of course. Why wouldn't we be?
Well, you know, because I can get married,
and you guys... Ugh! can't.
So? That doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Really? Because I will not go through with
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it
if you don't want me to. Seriously.
Not necessary. I mean, what kind of people
would we be
if we denied you or anyone the right to
marry?
#politics.
This makes me so happy
because I want you two to be my best men.
- Yes! Yes! - Of course!
Okay. The wedding is gonna be super cute,
Just us, a little dinner after.
Oh, and it's next Friday.
Oh. What, it's next Friday?
- Yeah. - How will we have time to do best
man stuff?
You know, like help you pick out your dress,
get your flowers, get our hair blown out?
He's never been a best man before.
Oh, my God, we're getting married!
We're getting married! Let's have a drink.
- Yeah, we're out of vodka. - I will see
you on Friday.
And initial here and here and here.
Ay, my arm is starting to hurt.
- Just a couple more. - What's going on?
Nothing. I have to get this package,
but there's so much signing.
Get out of here, you perv.
What's the matter with you?
You don't do that in front of strangers.
At least throw a blanket over.
- I am not ashamed. - Obviously.
They're out all the time--
in front of Manny, at the club,
at Claire's dinner the other day.
Phil almost ate a candle.
Fine. Next time, I will feed your baby
inside a dark closet.
I'm just saying pick your moments, huh?
Like let Daliya open the door. That's why
we hired her.
Daliya?
My mother raised six children
while working at a construction job.
She would be so ashamed if I had a nanny.
 Modern.Family.S04E17
I don't see a lot of shame from your mom and then one day, around the teenage years,
when she's cashing my checks every month. they go around the dark side and they're
Hey, Daliya, we gotta go see Manny's gone.
teacher. All you can do is wait for that faint signal
Would you try to coax a burp out of this that says they're coming back.
one? I think Haley is sending me that signal.
Come here, little guy. And?
Can you hold him a little higher? - And Phil gave me that analogy. - Yeah.
I will. I'm just letting him get settled You know what?
in. I think I'm gonna ask her out to dinner
Okay, we're going. Bye-bye, Joe. tonight.
He likes to bounce a little. Do you think she'll say yes?
Can you cup your hand If you want,
- so that he doesn't feel like you're I can pass her a note in study hall.
slapping? - Okay. What did I do?
She knows it. Stop micromanaging. Oh, my god. Nothing.
Cup your hand. I just wanted to know, if you weren't busy,
- Hello. - Hey. you know, if you wanted to have dinner with
Hey, can one of you guys drive me to my cello me tonight?
thing tonight? Dinner? Just you and me?
Honey, I wish we'd known. I mean, you don't have to. It's cool. Don't
Yeah. We got a dinner thing with the worry.
Flendersons. No, sounds fun. Let's do it.
Okay, you don't have to stay, Okay. Let's meet by the front door, then.
and those aren't even real people. You know, 7:00?
Sorry. I panicked. - Okay. - Yeah.
I got stuck between the Flemings and the I totally think she likes you!
Hendersons. I think so, too.
Oh, my god. Are those new boots? First of all, I just want to say what a
Yes. pleasure it is
I love them. They're so cute! to have Manny in art class.
They are? He's talented--
Oh, I forgot to tell you-- Can we just skip to what he did wrong?
Danielle Gunston--first one in my class to Who said that he did something wrong?
get pregnant. Hit it.
You totally called it. We do have an issue.
Did you hear that? - Told you. -Manny seems to have quite a
My money was on Denise Modick. fascination
No. First she complimented my fashion with the female nude.
sense, So? He's a romantic.
then she told me I did something right. Well, this is all his art work over the last
Phil, I think it's happening. few weeks.
Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship Holy moly.
to the moon. There were even more,
You spend the early years in constant but I think the janitor took some home.
contact, Look at this.

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-【677】-

And this.
And these.
Look, I'm an artist. I'm free.
I used to have an earring up here.
But some of the other parents have
complained.
Well, the moms.
He must have learned that at school.
Because we have filters in the computer,
and I have thrown out all of Jay magazines.
Don't know what she's talking about.
There is no way that Manny has seen this
sort of thing at our home.
We'll take it from here.
Hey, buddy.
It's just you and me tonight.
Sounds good. I'll be right down.
All right.
I knew it! What are you hiding?
- Porn. - Don't lie to me!
Fine.
I'm trying to send a message to a girl on
Facebook,
but she's so out of my league.
Look at her.
Oh, yeah. She's cute.
I've been sitting here forever
- and I can't think of anything to say. -
Well, you are in luck.
If anyone knows the art of wooing the fairer
sex,
it's this guy.
"Hey."
- Wait! - Send.
Why did you type that?
Now she knows I'm thinking about her.
Smiley face.
Oh, my god. Stop now.
We can only screw it up from here.
Please. You're in the hands of the master.
I think I know how to pick up a 14-year-old
girl...
for you.
"What's the haps tonight?"
Boop.
"What's the haps tonight"? Nobody says
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that.
"Going to the mall. Wanna meet?"
"Dinner at Rosa Grill in an hour?"
Question mark. Boom!
Kids don't eat dinner.
What do you mean, you don't eat dinner?
What do you do?
I don't know. You just walk around and jump
off stuff.
You can't invite a girl to jump off stuff.
Well, it's way better than--
"See ya then. X.O."
You're in, buddy.
I gotta get ready.
All right, let's go before this wears off.
I think we have a few days.
Well, thank you, dimples.
Oh, you better get that out of your system,
'cause in two hours, you're gonna be...
Mrs. Anthony Lombardo.
So does this Italian of yours cook?
In every room of the house,
if you know what I mean!
- We have a lot of sex. - Yeah. Got it.
Okay, now let's have a proper toast. All
right.
To wild Sal.
You gave it a good run,
but like every legendary gunslinger,
there comes a time when you need to holster
your weapons
and ride off into the sunset.
But you took on every man who came to town.
- I really did! - You sure did.
Also, you know, I'm just getting married.
I'm not dying.
No, no. We're just happy you're happy.
And we're excited that we're gonna get to
see
so much more of you now.
Yes. We'll be couple friends.
We'll go to movies... take classes...
Oh, our game nights on Saturday...
- Huge. - They're epic, yeah.
Do you play Cranium?
Well, if I'm playing board games on a

Saturday night,
you can shoot me in my cranium.
But I love you!
I need to take a whiz.
I'm so happy for her.
I think we might have freaked her out,
though.
Oh, no, Mitchell. Come on. You're a smart
man,
but you are awful at reading people.
Sal's been different this week.
That is a woman in love.
Looks like a woman in love.
Look, nobody's as happy as I am about you
loving the ladies.
All I'm saying is, you gotta pull back a
little.
- Okay. - Ay, Manny,
this is all my fault.
I am too free with my body.
It was okay when you were a little boy,
but...
Was it?
But now that you're a young man,
- and... - I didn't hear a word they said.
All I could think about was Daliya.
Every drawing, every poem,
every historical novel I wrote was for her.
She was my muse.
Toss in a body that doesn't quit,
and I think we got a soul mate.
So there's a lot of other things you can
draw.
You've got your landscapes. You've got your
bowls of fruit.
Trees.
A barn. The ladies with the fruit on the
head.
I said fruit.
But you didn't say the ladies with the fruit
on the head.
I'm trying to get him away from the ladies.
Ah, good. Good. Good.
This is so stupid.
What if I spill on her,
or accidentally brush my boob against her
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hand?
I mean her hand against my boob.
Dude, stay cool. You got this.
I'm gonna be at the bar the whole time.
If you start to panic, just come get me.
Shh. There she is.
What was that?
I don't know. I've never heard it before.
Try not to let that happen again.
- Hi, Luke. - Pretty good.
Uh, I mean, hi, Simone.
Uh, this is my dad.
Dad, this is Luke.
You're funny.
Looking.
Clutch.
What are you still doing here?
What the hell got into me?
Besides the bartender's tongue?
Yes. Yes, well, that was a little
inappropriate.
But let's not overreact.
It's perfectly natural to have a panic
attack
before making a big life decision.
What if it's the wrong decision?
What if Tony's not the guy?
What if he's the guy?
Or him? He is cute. When did he come in?
Okay, you need to focus, Sal.
You are about to make a sacred, lifelong
commitment.
You are not making this better!
Oh, god, it's Tony.
I'm supposed to pick him up and drive him
to the wedding?
Everybody shut up for a second!
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna marry him.
What's the worst that can happen? I get a
divorce.
People do it all the time.
oh, you're suffocating me!
It is not too late. You are not married yet.
You're right.
Okay. That's good. Get it all out.
- Here. Stand up. - Okay, mom?

Mom. Mom. Oh, my god, mom, I think I got
it.
I've been lugging this thing around for ten
years.
Okay. Well, you sure you don't want us to
stay
and--and hear you play?
Mm, that's okay.
Yeah, I agreed to dinner,
not tickets to the Electric Light
Dorkestra.
Don't be so mean to your sister.
No, that's our band's name.
So you wanna go back to that vegan place?
Ooh. Leather jacket. Can't take the hate.
Haley!
Gabby! What are you doing here?
I just stopped in for a bump of coffee
before I meet up with Zoe and those guys
at Noodlecat.
- Do you wanna go? - So what's--what's
Noodlecat?
Oh, it's this really cool Asian place
that sells, like, a million different kinds
of noodles.
And hopefully, no cat.
- Well, that sounds cool. - So you don't
mind if I go?
Oh, I kind of thought we had plans.
Oh. Yeah. You're right.
So I can meet you guys there after.
- How long are you gonna be there? - No.
It's fine. It's fine. Go.
I'll stay and watch Alex.
Oh, now I feel bad.
Love you!
Excuse me.
You're Luke's dad, aren't you?
I'm Valerie, Simone's mom.
- Oh. Phil. - Hi.
I recognized you
from when you hosted the school's talent
night.
You were incredibly limber.
Ah, when you wear the right pants.
- Please, sit down. - Thank you.
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Yeah.
So how is the big date going?
I don't know.
Simone was so nervous.
When they were chatting on the computer,
I had to write everything for her.
That's so funny. I did the same thing for
Luke.
So the whole time we were talking to each
other?
Wait, does that make this our date?
Well, a good father, funny, handsome.
A girl could do a lot worse.
You know what, Mitchell?
Forgive me if my Missouri is showing,
but what she is doing is not marriage.
It's a mockery of marriage. It's mockerage.
- And I'm gonna stop it. - No, no, you're
not.
I can't help but think you're infusing the
situation
with just a touch of your own frustration.
Why, because we've built a life together
for the last ten years?
Because we're raising a child?
Or because I was the first person to think
of doing
an elaborately choreographed dance at our
wedding,
and now it's been done to death?
Makes you feel any better,
I was never gonna do that.
But... I get it.
Well, you know what? She can't get married
if the best man doesn't hand over the
wedding ring.
- You wouldn't. - Yes, I would.
Where is it? Give it to me.
- Give me the ring. Cam. - Stop. Stop.
- You have to give me... - Oh, well, this
is a mystery solved.
Thank you!
- Okay. Let's go do this. - Okay.
How hot does Tony look?
On a scale of 1 to bartender, or...
Reel it in, Cam.

I think this is broken.
We're gonna have to find another spot.
No, we'll be late for the movie.
Are you sure you're doing it right?
We both know I know how to use a credit card.
All right, I'll put a note on the meter.
Let me get a piece of paper.
Maybe this is a bad sign.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be in the movie
theater.
I'm supposed to be at home with my babies.
Honey, we know that Daliya knows how to take
care of Joe.
And what about manny? He's supposed to run
his own bath?
You know, considering what's been going on
with him,
it might be good for you to give him a little
space.
I mean, this was his idea.
What was?
That we go out tonight,
so that we could get some alone time.
Oh, that's sweet.
- Uh-oh. - What?
We gotta get home. Look--Manny's notebook.
More drawings and a poem-- "Ode to Daliya."
So those were not my boobs? They were
Daliya's boobs?
Yep. This is not a "Nude descending a
staircase,"
this is a "Nude vacuuming a staircase."
Okay, Manny. Joe's asleep.
What do you want for dinner?
Actually, already taken care of.
You shouldn't play with your food.
What are you doing here?
I knew you were upset I left,
and I felt bad, so I came back,
You're here out of guilt?
I know. I'm growing up.
Why are you rolling your eyes at me?
I'm doing a nice thing.
Because I want you to be here because you
wantto be here.
Okay, you're being really needy right now.
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Oh, my god. Are you going through the
change?
Stop asking me that every time I express
an emotion.
And no, I am not. It's just so damn hot in
here.
I am disappointed, that's all.
When you were little, we used to do
everything together.
And I thought maybe you were coming back
around,
and we could be friends again.
I just... miss being part of my daughter's
life.
Hey, everybody. Thanks for coming.
I thought this was supposed to be some sort
of classical thing.
Me, too.
She sings?
I don't even know who that is.
Oh, my god, Phil, you are hilarious.
Yep. That's how I got my wife of 20 years.
Could we get the check, please?
Oh, I got this.
Ooh, funny and generous.
If my husband were more like you...
maybe I'd still be married.
Well, if my wife were here,
she'd want me to be clear that I'm fully
committed to her.
You know that, right?
What?
No, I just wanna make sure,
because you unbuttoned a button,
and I... love my wife, so--
You were the one who was flirting
- and saying we're on a date. - That was
a joke,
But I'm--I'm sorry if I misled you at all.
Thank you.
But there was a lot of touching.
I touched your shoulder for a second.
No, it was more of a stroke, like this--
Okay. I'm so sorry
for touching your hand with my boob.
I mean my boob with your hand.
 Modern.Family.S04E17
Is this your little game? That could be you.
You cop a feel on a sad divorcee No.
and then pretend I'm the one coming on to I am unlucky, because I was born too soon.
you? And I can't have you wait around.
- How does that feel? - Oh. Weird. Poets have to live.
You like it? Yeah? Besides, in a few years, you'll feel
Little bit of that? differently.
- Yeah. - Little bit of whoa. No. You're wrong. I'll feel this way for the
You probably like this. Don't you? rest of my life.
Oh, stop it. Your daughter's right over Well, Manny, wait.
there. - Ay, Manny, papito lindo-- - Leave me
My minivan is right outside. alone.
That is not what I meant. Sorry about that.
This pizza is delicious. Don't be. It's the sweetest offer I've ever
I like it, too. We have so much in common. gotten.
Have you seen the back of your menu? I am so sorry that I screamed at you.
"With silken hair and supple olive skin It was so nice what you told him in there.
and hands that wash the laundry of my I take Manny, you take the little one?
kin..." Okay.
Oh, Manny... - You probably just-- - She knows what to
You still have 12 lines to go. do, Jay.
Spoiler alert-- I love you. Tiramisu.
Okay, back away from the nanny. I love his tiramisu.
Oh, my god, it looks like a Madonna video Marriage is a promise.
in here! It says to the world that you share a love
- Why aren't you at the movies? - We need and a commitment to each other
to talk right now. That will only grow deeper as the years go
- What have you done to my son?! - I didn't-- by.
She didn't do anything. Now have you two written vows?
Why do you have to embarrass me? Yeah, I'll go.
Embarrass you? Maybe if you didn't fall in Marriage terrifies me.
love... Take Mitch and Cam.
Stop this! I used to think their life looked so boring.
You're going to wake the baby. I could never do it. Pay bills? Wash dishes?
Now Manny and I are having a private Wake up to the same face every day?
discussion. I felt sorry for them.
So please, give us a minute. Where is this headed?
- I'll give you your minute right this But they're not bored.
minute. - Gloria. Gloria. It turns out when you're with the right
Go ahead, Manny. person,
I'm not saying we need to do anything right you can change shelf paper at 10:00 at night
away. in your pajamas
I'm just asking you to wait a few years. and not wanna be anywhere else.
You are so sweet. That's how much they love each other.
Whoever ends up with you - We sure do. - And when I just saw your
is the luckiest woman in the world. face,

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-【682】-
 Modern.Family.S04E17
I remembered... I guess she's heading into a rebellious
that's how much I love you. stage.
Thanks for being here. Best time to get 'em.
We wouldn't be anywhere else, Sal. Never be afraid to go after a girl who's
And do you have anything prepared? out of your league.
Hit me, baby. I did. That's how I got your mom.
I made out with a stripper last night. Yeah, I always wondered how you pulled that
Sorry. I just wanna start this clean. one off.
I made out with a bartender... an hour ago. She was in a rebellious stage, too.
You're not just saying that to make me feel Yep, grandpa wasn't always as crazy about
better, are you? me as he is now.
Back me up. Didn't I? I'm gonna go pop the champagne and get some
- She totally did. - I totally did! glasses.
- Yeah. He was hot, too. - He was very I'll help.
good-looking. I'm gonna get Cranium.
- Nice. - Well. That was different. Sorry you couldn't come to the wedding.
- Who's got the ring? - I do. It was no kids.
Hand 'em over. It's okay. I'll go to your next one.
Thank you guys so much. She--she just means when
Alex, honey, amazing. she's not a kid anymore, you know?
Why didn't you tell us? She knows what I mean.
- Oh, I-I don't know. - That was so good. I don't like you.
If I didn't know you, I'll get over it.
I'd be all like, "That chick is cool."
Hey, guys, hi. I'm Alex's mom.
You were terrific.
Hey, and I'm her sister.
We're gonna go get some dinner.
Do you wanna come with us?
You can bring your friends from the band.
Um, no, thanks. We're actually going out,
and I have a ride home, so see you guys
later.
Okay.
Oh, my god. Sorry about that.
Did she just apologize for us?
- Yep. - But we were just being nice.
Sucks, doesn't it?
Luke, I'm sorry Simone's mom dragged her
away so fast.
It's okay. I was running out of things to
say.
Guess I kind of blew it for you, didn't I?
No. Now that her mom doesn't want her going
out with me anymore,
Simone wants me more than ever.

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-【683】-

Modern.Family.S04E18
So we're gonna change that one.
I'm back.
Okay, let me see, let me see, let me see!
You guys are want to, um...
Oh, my god!
I love it!
All clear.
Okay, so--
So good! It is so good!
For the last few months,
Cam and I have been redoing a house together
that we're gonna flip,
and I have to say, it has been goin' great!
We make an amazing team.
- Yeah. The key is trust. - Absolutely.
The key is, I let Claire think she's in
charge.
I hide what I want in something bigger and
more expensive.
Then when she rejects that,
we "compromise" on what I wanted all along.
I call my method "The trojan horse."
You know how I got Lily?
I asked Mitchell for triplets.
You are going to love what I found for the
kitchen countertops.
It's from Carrarra, Itlay.
It's where Michelangelo got the marble
to make the "David."
Now we know why the "David" couldn't afford
any clothes.
Okay, well, uh...
I also found this one.
It's not as nice, but it's less expensive.
Well, it's still over budget, but...
I guess it's okay.
By the way, we couldn't get the powder room
fixtures you wanted.
What? Why?
Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the
budget.
Keeping in mind, that space is only
12% of 1,462 square feet.
Whenever I need to rein in Cam's spending,
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-【684】-
Modern.Family.S04E18
I employ something that I like to call "The
number dump."
So... unless you wanna cut 16%,
or $1,764 from somewhere in the flooring
budget,
we've gotta find another 4% overall.
Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty, it's
fine. It's fine.
Yesterday, I accidentally said
"Eleventy-five."
So everybody knows how hard I worked on that
project.
I mean--
Hey, wait. What are you doing?
Trying to put the sugar back in the thing.
Well, just go get the broom.
I'll eat it for a dollar.
What did I say about eating things for
money?
Charge the most. Then people will think
you're worth it.
That's right. That's at least $5.
- Hey, he said a dollar. - Broom.
Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf,
and the closet light's burnt out.
- So just change it. - I can't reach it.
Oh, if only there was some magical way
of getting up closer to the ceiling.
Okay, now you just sound like Dylan.
I'm saying get a step stool.
One thing at a time, okay?
What is happening?
I'm sweeping.
No, you're not sweeping.
You're just spreading it all around.
It's gonna cost more if you want me to eat
it now.
That's when it hit me--
My daughters know nothing about home care
and maintenance.
I don't want 'em to be dependent.
It's up to me to show them what a modern,
self-sufficient woman looks like.
Careful. Keep that up,
he'll have to hit "Numero dos" when he calls
the DMV.
 Modern.Family.S04E18
By the time, he's old enough to call, of us.
tt will be "Numero uno." Why do I feel that you did something shifty?
Ay, there he is. I have no idea.
Manny, why did you have breakfast alone But I gotta say, it's not your best quality.
outside? All right, sweetie, you have a good day.
I felt like eating breakfast alfresco. Watch me play handball, daddy.
Does that mean he had his pants off? Oh, okay.
Because if I can't, he can't. Next!
Jay, he's been eating outside on his own That's Milo. He beats everybody.
all week. Next loser!
Do you think that he feels left out - He's mean. - Yeah, I'm gettin' that.
because of all the attention I give Joe? - Next! - That's you.
You know, I've been wondering the same Another girl?
thing. Hey, sweetie? Sweetie?
Tell you what--why don't I have some You're gonna do great, okay?
father-son time If you say so.
with Joe this afternoon Next!
and give you some time with Manny? Uh, Milo? That-- that was my fault.
Ay, that's so sweet. I distracted her,
You can take Joe to his baby class. So maybe she could just go again?
Gloria, I think he already knows how to be No do-overs. Next!
a baby. Well, I'm next, and I would like to give
I love you, but I can't laugh at that again. her my turn.
Manny, how about I pick you up after school, No switcheroos. Are you playing or not?
and we both have a special day? - No. - Chicken. Next.
Well, I did talk to Jay I hate bullies. I've hated them my whole
about getting some tickets for this life.
reading. I hated them when they were named Scott
What reading? Dworkin
Seriously? Or Greg Pechenko or Katie Greenwald.
The stage reading of "Moby Dick"? Okay, you know what? I'm gonna play.
I told you about it last night. But, daddy, he's really good.
I have zero recollection of this. Well, I'm really good, too.
I knew I shouldn't have poured you that - But it's a sport. - I got this.
second Scotch. You done talking?
Sorry, buddy, but I already committed You know, it's really appropriate that
to spending the afternoon with Joe we're at a school,
so you and your mom could have more time because I'm about to teach you a lesson.
together. Next!
Hey, maybe she can take you. All right. Sorry, sweetheart.
- Can we, mom? - Of course, mi amor. Here, I'll walk you to class.
It's your special day. We'll do whatever No, thank you, mister.
you want. But...
Great. This is gonna be four hours you'll Whatcha doin'?
never forget. I think I have an idea.
Hey, buddy. Looks like it's just the dos Okay. Every house needs a "Wow" factor,

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【685】-

right?
What is the one thing this backyard is
missing?
- A qualified buyer? - Now don't be silly.
No. A water feature with a fire element.
Oh, god, no.
No, no, please. Now just imagine--
This entire back wall
cascading into a reservoir that erupts into
flames
on the quarter hour. How does that sound?
Like we need a white tiger.
Maybe I'm being a little ambitious.
So let's just do a couple dancing water
fountains,
- call it a day. - No, wait. Cam, Cam, Cam.
That's gonna still put us, like,
$3,500 over our landscape budget.
Right now, we're 40-12 percent higher than
I thought
we'd be at this point because Smitty added
that 8% surcharge.
I'm sorry--did you just say 40-12 percent?
Mm, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You do this all the time.
You just throw numbers at me to frighten
and confuse me.
And here I thought we were working so well
together,
and you're just being manipulative.
What about you, Cam?
Pitching these crazy, over-the-top ideas
just so you can slip in what you really
want.
Oh, how dare you accuse me of trojan horsing
you.
You have a name for it?
No, I mean--
You know what? I will not stand here
and be accused by the likes of you.
And if there was a door here, missy,
I would slam it in your face.
I thought we weren't flaming till the
quarter hour!
Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe,
and it was great... for about 20 minutes.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【686】-
Modern.Family.S04E18
then the little bugger turned on me.
I tried everything to calm him down--
Bouncing. Bottle.
Brightly colored objects.
Bigger bottle.
So I did the old "put him in the car" trick.
But I could still hear him out there.
I'm just kidding.
I drove him to his little class,
but he dozed off right before we got there.
Or he took a page from the Jay Pritchett
playbook--
saw the crap he was in for and pretended
to be asleep.
Mr. Pritchett?
- Yeah. - Rachel Lissy.
Claire's friend from high school,
remember?
How could I forget?
You knocked down my mailbox with your
k-car.
Again, I apologize.
- How you doin'? - Couldn't be better.
I've been married for 15 years,
Two great boys over there.
Cooper! Unhand your brother!
I'm taking them to the James Bond movie,
and they don't want me to sit with them.
I miss babies.
Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh?
- So nice to see you. - Nice seeing you.
Great kids.
Ugh! No, you're not!
Joe, I found a better way for us to bond...
James Bond.
My dad taught me everything there is to know
about maintaining a home,
and today, that tradition continues.
Voila! Light bulb changed.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's get to know the house, huh?
Hey, I have an idea--
Let's lock him in.
Okay. Let's go over this baby right here.
What are we lookin' at, huh?
Photosynthesis?

In a sense, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, photosynthesis converts carbon dioxide
into food for plants.
This water heater converts cold water into
hot.
What converts this conversation into over?
Girls, you need to learn these things.
You might find yourselves living alone at
some point.
I long for the day.
Okay, we're just gonna start with something
really basic, all right?
I am turning the pilot light off.
These things go out occasionally.
- Why? - I don't know. No one knows.
Let's just say gremlins do it.
But if it happens to you, what do you do?
- Call a guy. - Or a girl.
Oh, my god, we're literally in a closet,
- and you just said that. - Focus.
You don't call anyone. To re-light the
pilot,
Turn the valve to "Pilot,"
You press it down to begin the flow of gas,
You wait a few seconds...
Where you guys from originally?
And you just press the igniter.
There you go.
That's odd. Why is it not working?
Oh, I got it.
Why don't we just fill it up with hot water
from the tap?
Found another light that's out.
Claire and I were at a stalemate on the
water feature.
So I brought in an experienced professional
to help break the tie.
Pam also happens to be a friend
and a fellow gay parent at Lily's school.
Am I trying to stack the deck against Claire
here?
No. I would never be so...
genius.
Oh. Oh, Claire, this is Pam.
- Pam, Claire. - Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
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-【687】-
Modern.Family.S04E18
- You, too. - Pam is a licensed contractor.
Done a lot of houses.
I thought it'd be nice to bring in a third
party
that's objective, to help settle the
fountain dispute.
Oh. Objective, right.
Well, my son does go to school with Lily,
but believe me, that is not gonna sway my
decision
any more than the fact that you are
beautiful.
Thank you. You are, too.
Thank you.
Let me grab your cans.
Your paint cans.
There you go.
So...
Hey, what's the matter,Joe?
Hey, that's a boy. That's a boy.
Come here. There you go.
Here you are. There you go.
There you go.
You know, I'm happy to take him outside
until he stops crying.
Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this.
It's fine. Once Daniel Craig put his shirt
back on,
- I lost interest. - Are you sure?
- Absolutely. - Okay.
Here--just go ahead. Attaboy.
Attaboy. Thank you very much.
I'll be right outside.
- Okay. - Shh!
You shush, Nathan!
Stupid thing!
Dad, we've been standing here forever.
Can't we just call the guy?
No. There is no guy. I'm the guy.
Here's what I need you to do. Run to the
hardware store,
get me a T6 torx screwdriver.
- What? - Just ask the guy.
I thought there was no guy.
There is one there!
- Could be a girl. - Eh?
 Modern.Family.S04E18
Just go! Okay, that's a valid point.
I didn't need a torx screwdriver. It is a bit of an empty space out there.
I've always wanted one, though. Thank you.
But I needed them out of the house, Well, I mean, I see what you're saying.
so... I could... call... a guy. Sorry. It's hot in here, right?
Dad, help me. Oh, well, you know, that happens to women
Are we gonna do that thing again of a certain age,
where you try on different outfits like in Like with my mom.
"Pretty Woman"? Are you kidding? What are you, like, 35?
Saw you sinkin' some j's back there, huh? What are you, like, an angel sent from
Box and one. Cover two. heaven?
Sh-shaq-a-hack? Am I right? I see what you're saying.
Not even close. I just feel that we might be pricing
- What's up? - Well, word has it ourselves out of the market.
that you were a pretty good handball player If a family wants to come in here,
back in the day. and--and build themselves a fountain,
Yeah. They can do so themselves.
And Neil Armstrong was a "pretty good" That's true.
trumpet player. Um, okay, well, you know, Pam,
I see you spent a lot more time on the court Um, there are lots of families
than you did in the classroom, like...ours...
So clearly, I've come to the right place. Moving to this neighborhood for the
Look, I need you to teach me everything you schools.
know. P.S., saw Connor's art project--gorgeous.
How come it's so important? Talent runs in the family.
Well, there's this kid, Anyway, I'm just saying I think a family
and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all would respond
her friends. to having a little drama in the backyard.
And I tried to teach him. I think Pam's made it pretty clear what she
I tried to put him in his place on the likes. Am I right?
handball court, Oh, no.
and I lost. Now my shirt is all see-through.
And I-I could just see the disappointment And so are you.
in Lily's eyes. Please tell me you are not falling for this.
Like there's any emotion in those eyes. I'm not, but I am enjoying this little show
Are you gonna help me or not? tremendously,
- Okay. - Yes! So thank you.
But I need you to give it 105%. As for my professional opinion on the
Ah, no. It's 110%, buddy. fountain,
That's impossible. don't do it.
Yes. I think the fountain's a little pricy. I mean, if you were gonna live here
But you know what? It's gonna more than make yourself,
up for itself I'd say go for it. But it's too expensive
when a family comes in here for a flip.
and falls head over heels in love with this Yeah. Yeah.
home. Thank you.

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-【688】-

- Cam? - Fine.
Lesbians.
I can't believe I just went garter shopping
with my son.
When you find a better way to keep my socks
up,
let me know.
Hey, as long as we're in the mall,
you wanna stop in the baby class to see Jay
and Joe?
No. They need this time to make a
connection.
It's not like mother and son,
that the bond is naturally strong.
Hey, isn't that Joe over there?
No, that's some weird baby.
He's not perfect like my little Joe.
But he's got the same blanket.
Gloria. What are you doing here?
You gave our baby to a stranger?!
She's not a stranger. She's Claire's
friend.
- Shh! - Shut up, Nathan!
Gloria!
The gas is on, dad.
I can see the spark from the igniter.
I don't know what it is.
That's your thermocouple.
You get a little sediment in there
or some rust, and you're done for.
The thermocouple. Of course.
Why didn't I think of that?
Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't be buggin' you
with this stuff.
Are you kiddin' me? I love to help.
Makes me feel like you still need me.
Of course I need you.
You're the best when it comes to this.
Anything else you need fixin'?
Yeah, actually,
I've been havin' a little trouble with my
thumb.
Oh, the old thumb. That's simple.
Just push it back in and make that popping
sound.
- Oh, yeah, you're right. - There you go.
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-【689】-
Modern.Family.S04E18
Make sure you tell Claire how pretty she
looks tonight.
A woman needs to hear that.
You do the same with mom.
No, your mom's a little tired of
hearing how pretty Claire is.
Good one!
All right. Love you.
Love you, too.
Dad, we're home.
That was the least fun I have ever had
shopping ever.
Here.
Honey, that's a torque wrench, not a torx
screwdriver.
Okay, you're just screaming now.
Can't you just go get it? You're the best
at this stuff.
Yeah, plus the car is doing something
funny,
and there's a light on the dashboard
that looks like a little genie lamp.
My kids are helpless, but maybe that's
okay.
Because years from now when they have their
own houses,
they'll call me on their hologram phones
and say, "Help me, dad. You're my only
hope."
And I'll be the happiest father in Sector
7...
or Sector 12, if we're doing really well.
I don't know why your mom's so mad.
Maybe it has something to do
with giving your son away to a complete
stranger.
You're next.
And what were you two doing in the mall,
anyway?
I thought you were seeing "Moby Dick."
It was sold out.
Maybe that's how you can make it up to her--
Take me to the "Moby dick" reading
tomorrow.
Nice try.
Doing something selfless for her other son

could make up for your monumental blunder.
Maybe flowers or jewelry.
I like to throw money at the problem.
Hello, pretty lady.
What do you wanna do for dinner?
How about we exchange the baby for a cheese
pizza?
- Is this about today? - I'll call for those
tickets.
You were supposed to spend quality time
with the baby.
Joe was asleep.
He didn't even know he missed the puppet
show.
It was the baby class!
Okay, call it what you want.
I saw a hippie with a frog on his hand.
And for your information,
I'm takin' Manny to that reading tomorrow.
Now you're just trying to dig yourself out
of a hole
because you know that you were caught in
a lie.
- So here's something... - Not now, manny.
Oh, let him talk.
I called the theater,
and they have tons of tickets for
tomorrow's show.
And it turns out today's show wasn't sold
out, either.
- Ay, Manny, not now. - Let him talk.
Mom, why'd you say it was sold out?
Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out?
It was a mistake. This is not my first
language.
I don't understand English very goodly.
Don't play that card.
You didn't wanna go any more than I did.
Fine. I lied, but I earned that lie.
Ay, Manny, I am so sorry.
But you know that I am always trying to do
everything
for everybody in this family.
But you.
You only do what's good for you.
Let me tell you something, Jay Pritchett--
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-【690】-
Modern.Family.S04E18
When it comes to raising kids,
you get what you give.
Well, you rattled that off pretty goodly.
You don't have to do this, daddy.
I know, but daddy really wants to do this,
okay?
No, no, no.
No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie?
No cutsies. Come on.
Next.
Hello, Milo.
Hello, one of Lily's dads.
All right, let's make this interesting,
okay?
If I win, the new rule is this, okay?
No player can play more than three times
in a row
without getting back in line
and letting the other kids play.
- What if I win? - Then I'll give you
$20,000.
- You're on. - All right. Let's do this.
Yes!
One point for me.
One point for me. That's right.
Milo, the wall's over here.
Nah, nah. Doesn't count. It was out.
Little too high for you, huh?
Three bounces to the wall, makes you a
lo-ser,
makes you a lo-ser.
Final point. I get this, I win.
Oh, sweet lord jesus.
Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner!
cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on!
Cam's gonna be doing drop-offs for a while.
We got a letter.
I'm sure you're both wondering
why I summoned you here tonight.
I now present to you the "Wow" factor.
Cam...
I cannot believe that you went rogue.
Uncool. I am with Claire on this.
You'll soon see why.
Prepare your senses...
for dancing waters.
 Modern.Family.S04E18
- Wow. - Wow. I don't really understand how...
Factor. Make a fist with your thumb on the side.
Now imagine a prospective buyer, Now bring your thumb to the front.
so entranced by the aqua ballet, Okay, now do it again.
they're compelled instantly to make a rich You just spelled "Ass" in sign language.
offer. Okay. Close your eyes.
I've even stocked the pools It's okay. We're off the court.
with fish of gold. You're never off the court!
They're just goldfish,
But they're-- they're right here.
This is... this is really impressive, Cam.
What did you spend?
Quite a bit, actually, but I don't wanna
get into that.
Let me turn this up to eleventy-five.
- Wow. - Wow.
Factor.
Hey, Cam, are fish of gold
supposed to swim backwards like that?
No, not to my knowledge, no.
Yeah, it's kind of like they're all--
They're gathering towards that thing.
It's like a-- oh, no!
They are getting sucked out.
You're killing them!
Claire! Unplug it!
It's half a fish! That's a half a fish!
There are certain queer times and occasions
in this strange, mixed affair we call
life...
When a man takes this whole universe
for a vast practical joke...
Though the wit thereof he but dimly
discerns...
Tick-tick-tick, tick-tick-tick-tick,
Goes the dynamite,
goes the dynamite!
And more than suspects that the joke
is at nobody's expense but his own.
- All right. Close your eyes. - Why?
- Just trust me. - Okay.
Never close your eyes on the court!
- But you told me... - Don't let me get in
your head!
Pop 'em!
Pop 'em all before they hit the ground! Go!

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-【691】-

Modern.Family.S04E19
Yes, I promise I'll call you as soon as I
get the results.
Yes, I am aware that hospitals are a hotbed
of infection.
Thank you, Manny.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a minor heart
incident.
I am fine.
But just to be safe, I'm having an
angiogram,
which is when they inject a dye
to make sure there's no blockage.
It's--it's no big deal.
- We're not worried. - No.
If something were to happen, which it's
not...
Not gonna.
I would turn our bedroom into a shrine to
Claire.
And this room into a hall of magic.
Luke, please stop taking appliances apart.
- I'm making something. - You're unmaking
something.
- 'cause I'm giving my notice today. - Wait.
What?
But wouldn't we rather have toast that's
already buttered?
I love that you're asking these kind of
questions.
If only the springs were stronger,
the toast would be catapulted into the pool
of butter.
Really strong springs,
like the ones in your mattress?
You're unbelievable.
What do you mean you're quitting?
Your manager just started letting you
open and close the store.
It's boring.
And Jennifer said that I could get a job
at the jewelry store.
Honey, you need to learn to stick with
things.
You just got the big keys.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【692】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
Where's the coffeepot?
Oh, you mean the soon-to-be coffee bot?
- Luke! - I need caffeine today.
You can have juice.
How late were you at that party last night?
Oh, please. She snuck in at 10:00
And spent all night reading under the
covers with a flashlight.
Alex, what have I told you
about staying out past your curfew?
- I need to do it more often. - Exactly.
You need to learn to have some fun.
You are going on that spring break trip with
Nicole.
No! No, I can't.
I have to study for the P.S.A.T.S.
Luke! Phil, talk to your children.
All right. Everybody listen up.
Haley, you're not quitting.
You're resigning. It sounds better.
- No. - Alex, you have all of spring break
to lock yourself in your room and study.
No, no, no, no, no.
And, Luke, coffee bot is a non-starter.
But I do like the idea
of popcorn kernels in the pancake batter...
So they self-flip.
Stop talking!
Step away from the children.
Manny?
I am telling you how handsome you are.
Oh. Well, next time, tell me in English
So I don't miss it.
You're forgetting all your Spanish. You
never practice.
Perdoname, mami, soy embarazada.
You just told me that you're pregnant.
Congratulations. You're glowing.
Really? That's what you're wearing?
Really? That's how you talk to your meal
ticket?
Besides, those snobs don't care what I
wear,
as long as I bring my checkbook.
Today I have an interview with the Dryden
academy.

It's only the most prestigious prep school
around.
Their school song has 36 verses,
and I know all of 'em.
Settle in.
And the reason you're not bringing him?
He says that I make him nervous,
that I care too much.
That's why I'm not even allowed to bring
him to his haircuts anymore.
I never went to private school.
Hell, I never even finished college,
And look at me. That danish I just ate cost
6 bucks.
I didn't even blink.
I've always felt out of place in public
school,
like a lone petunia in an onion patch.
You felt out of place?
Let me tell you something about your prep
school buddies.
When I was younger, I had a job
checking coats at a country club.
These smug rich kids used to waltz in there
and throw their coats at me like I was
nothing.
That was before your high-tech fabrics.
They weighed a ton.
You see that scar?
The one you got in the war?
That's what I tell people.
I caught the scalloped edge of a burberry
duffel coat toggle.
Still not sure there isn't a piece in there.
Kids will always want to quit
when things get hard if you let 'em.
This is a girl who was kicked out of
college.
The least she can do is stick it out at a
little--
- Phil? - Sorry.
Look, all we can do is give Haley the time
to find out who she is.
Or we could save that time,
and I could tell her who she is.
Let me know how that works out.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【693】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
Excuse me?
Oh, sorry, but my TV doesn't work,
and you're all I've got.
- I'm Norman. - Good to meet you, Norman.
What are you in for?
- Triple bypass. - Awesome.
And it sounded like you were agreeing with
my parenting style,
So, please, continue.
Well, I've raised three kids,
and the main thing I learned is
you have to let them be who they are.
Thank you, Norman.
Just because he's behind a curtain doesn't
make him a wizard.
Dad, I made you this necklace.
It's good for healing.
There's no scientific evidence to back that
up, dad.
- I married a doctor. - I have three
degrees.
Girls, where's your little brother?
He didn't get his arm stuck In a vending
machine again, did he?
Are you getting this?
Yes. They sound just like our kids,
And they all got together to visit their
dad...
who apparently did a pretty good job
raising them.
Please. He sounds like an old hippie.
A wise, insightful, old hippie.
A Jeff Bridges hippie.
- Hey, dad. - There he is!
Look at that sharp suit.
Oh, my god, Luke gets huge.
You've seen this.
I wore it to Angela's wedding.
Yeah. It's just like the one I had made for
my little jonathan.
Okay, Mrs. Dunphy.
- Time for your prep. - Okay.
See what happens when parents get out of
the way?
Weddings, babies, sharp suits.
You might want to wheel her by the burn

unit.
She just got scorched.
Wait. You made a suit for Jonathan?
He's a cat.
He's a hairless stray. He needs the suit
for warmth.
You know, that thing.
All of your husbands eventually stop
feeling for you.
I did not come here to be insulted.
I came here for dad.
Dad, I need $500.
How can you need money? You have four
divorce settlements.
Yeah, sorry I'm not some sad, lonely
exorcist.
Archivist. I'm an archivist.
Ugh. This arguing.
I might as well have just stayed in court.
Please be a lawyer. Please be a lawyer.
How'd it go?
- I got probation plus time served. - Suck
it!
Well, maybe now you'll stop
siphoning electricity off the grid with a
meat hook.
Hey, look at me for a second.
When you die alone in your bed,
Jonathan's going to eat you.
Yep.
Lily! Time for girls' day!
We've always tried to make sure that
Lily has a feminine influence in her life.
Because I'm sure it is so difficult for her
to be around so much masculine energy all
the time.
Yeah, and recently, uh,
she's been asking a lot of questions about
the female body.
And...
Uh, we are not exactly experts,
So we d--just sit on 'em.
We decided to call in the big guns.
Hola.
Hi, Gloria!
Lily is so excited for girls' day.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【694】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
Yeah, but don't keep her all afternoon.
You know how we miss her. Mm-hmm.
Okay.
When am I going to get real boobs?
Okay, so we'll see you whenever.
Absolutely. You know, just have a really
great time.
Vamos, mami, vamos.
So we'll do a little shopping,
We can have our pretty nails done...
And our pretty hair.
- Do you think that's fun? - Yeah!
And you know what the best part of having
a girls' day is?
That you can ask me anything you want.
Did you know I'm gay?
This is lucky.
At 2:00, the school's award-winning bell
players
will be performing a medley of civil war
drinking songs.
What do they call that? Unhappy hour?
Interesting.
This was an all-boys academy when it was
established in 1901.
Thank god they went away from that
tradition, huh?
Yeah. I bet the place is one giant orgy now.
Jay, please.
Hey, do you want to grab a coat?
Grab your own coat, college boy.
Uh, I meant for you.
They want us all to wear a school blazer
for the tour,
Get the whole Dryden experience.
Right. I-I'm sorry, buddy.
Hello, parents, perspective Norsemen.
Welcome.
Our tour will begin this direction
with a view of our renowned equestrian
center.
It took me right back to 40 years ago--
Candy-ass preppies with too many
privileges.
You know what I hated most about those guys?
They all had these little noses.

What is that?
To your left, the world-class Campbell
observatory.
Now, of course, if it's stars of the
Hollywood kind that you like,
our award-winning theater is just here,
where this June
Ms. Nicole Kidman will be appearing in
"Picnic."
Okay, gun to my head,
maybe I was a tiny bit jealous of those guys
back then,
with their cars and their fancy hair
products--
Your brylcreems and your vo5s.
We'll now take a short break, where you're
free to explore
the treasures of our rare book library.
You know what was a rare book in my school
library?
One that didn't have genitals drawn all
over it.
Who am I kidding?
I wanted what those kids had then,
And 40 years later, I still wanted it.
Manny, write down what they said about the
library.
They're liable to ask you about that in the
interview.
And get the lead out. We don't want to miss
the bell players.
Excuse me!
But she's so young.
Do you really think that she already--
I knew when I was 5.
- Everybody knew when you were 5. - Not
true.
Not everyone knew until
I threw myself my second 5th birthday
party.
Come on, Lily is not gay.
It's probably just a phase.
Oh, my god. Did I just say that?
Do not tell anyone I just said that.
I got my sweater. Can I go now?
Here. Yeah, sweetie. Have a seat.
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【695】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
Oh. Imagine if this was a hay bale,
And she was wearing a prairie skirt.
It would be a total flashback.
Stay with us.
Um, so Gloria was telling us about
something that you said.
Something about you being gay?
What about it?
Okay, very aggressive. Just saying.
Um, w-we're--we're just wondering, you
know,
why did you say that?
Because I'm gay.
But why do you think you're gay, sweetie?
We're learning about it in school.
My friend Aldo's parents are Italian,
so he's Italian.
And you and daddy are gay, so I'm gay.
First of all, adorable.
But that's not how it works.
When Aldo's talking about him being
Italian,
he's talking about his heritage.
Yeah, and that's a totally different thing
than being gay.
See, heritage is, uh...
Well, it's something that you're born with,
And--oh, my god. What's wrong with me?
And with respect to your heritage, you're
not gay.
You're Vietnamese.
What's that?
Well, Vietnam is a beautiful country,
And it's near China.
Uh, it--it's known for, uh...
Its--its farms, with all of the, uh...
- Uh, water buffalos. - Water buffalo.
And... Bikes. Lily, there are bikes
everywhere.
- There are so many bikes. - So many bikes.
People are biking around. And, uh...
And then--and they're wearing hats.
Hats. They have these beautiful sun hats.
That swoop.
Can I go and play now?
Please. Go. Yes. Yes, gosh. Would ya?

Love for you to.
Is that all you know about her culture?
No. I mean, w-we're-- we're saving
some of the things until she gets older to
tell her about.
I-I wanna say the windmills and the tulips?
Don't.
No wonder she has so many questions.
She doesn't know who she is.
Well, I guess we kind of dropped the ball.
You know what? Forget the pretty nails.
We are all going to a Vietnamese
restaurant,
and we are gonna give her a taste of her
culture.
Which one is the best restaurant around
here?
- I wanna say Saigon. - There's little,
um...
You know nothing.
I'll look in the Jelp.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Hey, we should go. Mom's gonna be here soon.
Why don't you stay and say hello?
She'd love to see you.
Why? So she can tell me how to live my life?
Yeah, I've got my probation officer for
that.
We'll see her on her birthday. When's the
next important one?
I know it's none of my business, but...
Is't possible that your mom doesn't want
you to make certain mistakes
'cause she cares?
Oh, my god. You sound just like her.
Let's roll.
Haley, you are not quitting your job.
Where is this coming from?
It's coming from the future-- your future--
And it ain't pretty.
I don't understand. In the future, I'm not
pretty?
No, you'll hold up okay. But this path
you're on,
flitting from one thing to the next,
it ends in a pile of ex-husbands and
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【696】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
nicotine fingers.
- Can I talk now, dad? - No!
Hello?
Alex? You don't have to go on that trip with
Nicole.
You can study as much as you want.
Just know that I love you.
Okay.
Listen to me, Haley. You are dangerously
close
to getting on a path you can't get off of.
Dad, stop yelling.
Mom, stop crying. I know I'm not a big nerd.
Here, mom wants to talk to you.
Dad wants to talk to you.
- Hello? - Hello?
Alex, book down,
run a brush through your hair.
You're going on that trip with your friend.
What?
Haley, I love you.
If you don't want to work in that store,
I'll help you find something you like
better.
Is this reverse psychiatry?
No, honey. Actually, nothing is.
I just want you to be happy.
Mom, you're freaking me out.
Why is everyone screaming?
- Here! - Here!
This is luke.
Why are mom and dad acting so cracy?
I don't know, but it's creepy.
Something's going on.
Do you think it has to do with mom's heart
thing?
Like it's more serious than they're saying?
- We have to go to the hospital. - Oh, my
god! Oh, my god!
Okay, everybody, calm down.
Here's what we know.
Mom had to go to the hospital for a simple
procedure.
Then mom and dad start calling us, acting
weird.
Open your eyes, people.

They've been kidnapped.
Well, now that the tour's over, we can
probably take these off.
I don't see the rush.
And you gotta be mentally sharp for your
interview.
How you feeling?
Pretty good.
You know, parents are allowed to sit in,
but if you don't feel like it...
Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it.
This is where it all starts.
Sure seems like you've come around on this
place, Jay.
How could I not? This place is
unbelievable.
I'm already picturing those jerks at the
club
seeing my son walk in wearing a dryden
jacket.
Manny Delgado?
I-I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I like books for reading them.
You care to elaborate?
Indeed.
Did you ever see one of those slow-motion
movies
where they destroy an old casino,
and it just implodes?
That.
So who are your favorite authors?
That's a long list.
I'd probably have to start with...
Go ahead. Hard as you can.
So good.
I want a cheeseburger.
But this is a special soup called pho.
You told me not to say that word.
It is delicious. This is the food of your
people.
Can I get you anything else?
Actually, um, we're just trying to teach
our daughter
about your country.
And as I'm saying that, I'm hoping you're
from Vietnam.
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【697】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
I was born there.
Uh, so was Lily.
Oh. It's a beautiful country.
Um, my family still lives there.
I hate Vietnam!
Lily, honey, we don't hate.
I hate Vietnam.
Okay, um, we need just a second.
Lily, that was rude.
I wanna go home.
No. It's important that you celebrate the
culture of your ancestors.
You are Vietnamese.
No, I'm not. I'm gay! I'm gay!
Honey, no, you're not gay. You are just
confused.
Oh, my god. What is wrong with me? It's like
I...
Oh, please. We have tons of lesbian
friends.
Odd that you would reference our friends
and not us.
- I know. I know. - Also gay.
- We should just go. - No, nobody's going
anywhere
until she finishes the whole soup!
No, Gloria, it's fine.
- We don't wanna push her. No, no, no, it's
not fine.
That's the problem with this country.
Nobody cares where they come from.
They just want cheeseburgers and prep
school,
And they have forgotten about Colombia!
Okay, I can't help but feel
that maybe you're bringing something to the
table
that's possibly, uh, not at all about Lily.
I think you're right.
It's just that I feel like I'm losing my
children to America.
They're just going to grow up
and become boring old white people.
Uh, most of our friends are white,
actually.
Uh... Okay, can everybody just calm down

and go back to their own conversations?
Just... Thank you.
Hey. Hey, what's going on with you?
Manny has forgotten most of his Spanish,
And Joe--I'm sure he's not even going to
learn it.
I know this is silly, but I just don't like
feeling like I'm so different from the rest
of my family.
Oh, honey.
- It feels so lonely, yes. - Oh, wait just
a second.
Lily, is that why you want to be gay,
to be more like your daddies?
Oh, honey. No, the three of us are a family
even though we come from different places.
You know, you were born in vietnam,
and I grew up in a city,
and even though he never talks about it,
your daddy grew up on a farm.
Yeah.
The point is, is that we're a family
because we love each other.
- Okay. - And you know what?
You just caused a scene in a restaurant...
and you can't get any more like your daddies
than that.
Maybe I'll just take Manny and Joe
to Colombia this summer.
I think that's a great idea.
I really think that keeping in touch with
your heritage
only enriches our culture.
Absolutely. I think we would all be better
off
if people would go back to where they came
from.
I...
- I'll pull the car around. - Yes.
All I can think about are the good times
I had with mom.
Who's gonna walk me down the aisle?
Stop spinning out.
There's no point in imagining some horrible
future.
Hey, buddy.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【698】-
Modern.Family.S04E19
You made it.
You're in heaven.
- That's not funny. - Okay.
Knock, knock.
Don't bother. She's not in the mood for
jokes.
Your results are great.
Minimal plaque. Your heart is strong.
Thank you. That's such good news.
Well, keep taking your medication,
- you'll outlive all of us. - Thanks.
Honey, you nailed it.
You weren't worried, were you?
No.
Me, neither.
I wasn't done with that.
Me, neither.
God, do you soak your hair in cigarettes?
Do you wash your clothes in tears?
I have to get home. My roommate needs these
shoes.
Weirdos.
Luke, don't be so mean. I can't take it
today.
I may be your sort of mom now...
and I'm practically a child myself.
Okay, let's calm down.
Mom could be fine.
Oh, come on. They wouldn't be freaking out
if they were fine.
Right, 'cause mom and dad never freak out
over nothing.
They don't. They're perfect.
Remember the time when dad was switching
jobs,
and mom threw away all of our junk food?
That was completely different.
No, no, actually, it's not.
They don't know how to deal with their
stuff,
so they obsess over us.
Maybe that's all this is, right?
I can't believe how relieved I am.
Me, too. I'm just texting the kids.
It's like at a certain age, "It's probably
nothing"

becomes "It's probably nothing."
Like they add italics at 40.
Well, the good news is...
These situations just bring us closer and
closer together.
By the way, you did a great job of keeping
your cool.
Well, I didn't want to scare the kids.
You did a pretty good job yourself.
Thanks.
I have a secret.
What's that?
We're pretty good at this parenting thing.
I think we are.
Kiss me.
I'm gonna try.
"Mom ok"?!
You guys are the worst parents ever.
It's the same every time!
One of you guys goes through something
stressful,
and instead of dealing with it, you freak
out on us.
"Quit your job," "Don't quit your job"?
"Read more," "Read less"?
Be better at being adults!
Come on, Luke. Let's go!
You're not my mom anymore, but okay!
Save the judgey looks for another 15 years.
What the hell happened in there?
I don't know. I've never choked like that
before.
You think it's a definite no?
Well, you pointed to a picture of the dean's
son
and asked when she's due.
Right.
Sorry I let you down, Jay.
Me?
I saw how much it meant to you.
It's like I was on the football field.
You were up in the stands, all proud of me,
rooting me on.
I'm not used to that. I just whiffed.
That's not even the right sport.
Why am I trying to blame you?
第 8 页 共 9 页
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Modern.Family.S04E19
Probably 'cause you should be. Sit down.
I think I put some stuff on you that...
is about some guys 40 years ago
with tiny noses and perfect hair.
You're losing me.
There's only thing I want you to
understand.
If today was the first time
you've felt that I was proud of you,
then I should be apologizing,
'cause I'm proud of you every day.
Thanks, Jay.
Let's go.
Did I really bet him
I could fit his whole cell phone in my
mouth?
Forget about that guy. You're never gonna
see him again.
I'm not sure about that.
Wait here.
- Kernels in? - Check.
- On the right side only? - Check.
You know this is the last of our batter,
right?
Our backs are against the wall.
Last chance at mastering the self-flipping
pancake.
You mean "Popcake."
I was thinking "Flipjack."
Oh, of course!
It's okay.
Okay.
This is the one. I feel it.
If this works, centuries from now,
someone's gonna dig one of these things up
and wonder what the heck it is.
Flip!
Flip, damn you!
- It's over. - No, it's not! - It's over!
It's all right.
We left it all out there on the griddle.
We live to fight another day.
Yeah. I guess.
I can't believe we wasted all that batter.
Ah, I guess you can't make an omelet
without breaking a few eggs. Am I right?
 Modern.Family.S04E19
Or can we?
To the grocery store!

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【700】-

Modern.Family.S04E20
And as we make our way out of the gourmet
kitchen,
we find ourselves way back in the warm
embrace of the parlor.
Easy, dutches.
It's just one room, not Gosford Park .
Where'd you get all this sweet furniture?
We rented it to make the house feel more
comfortable and inviting.
Don't sit there! Oh, my gosh.
It took me 20 minutes to get these chops
just right.
There. Does that look straight?
Nothing about that looks straight.
I love the house. It's beautiful.
Here is a tree.
It's a pachira,
a taiwanese symbol of good financial
fortune.
So it's also known as a money tree.
That makes two of us.
Well, I would like to propose a toast.
Missed me.
To the hard work of Claire and Cameron--
Or as I like to call them, "Clameron",
which is what potential home buyers will
be doing
when they see this place.
Clamoring.
- Clamoring t-to buy it f-- - Phil, don't
go back for it.
Because this house is going to sell.
Who's the best realtor in town?
- Gil Thorpe. - That's right,
- And he has buyers coming over tomorrow.
- That's right.
All right.
To Claire and Cam.
My sister. My partner.
My sister! My partner! My sister! My
partner!
- "Chinatown." hilarious. - Still empty.
Okay, you know you're my ride.
- To Clameron! - Hear, hear.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【701】-
Modern.Family.S04E20
Speech!
Oh! Well, gosh, I wasn't prepared for this.
I...I think we should just really thank the
people--
- Here's to the best construction crew in
the business. - Okay. Okay.
Hank. Luis. Paco!
Wish you could be here right now, buddy.
What? Did he die?
No, he's on the roof fixing the shingle
that he should've gotten right the first
time.
I guess the most important people-
- And then to my partner. - Yes.
My lifelong companion.
My lovah.
Okay, Cam.
Who had his doubts about this project the
whole time,
And never, even in my darkest moment,
said "I told you so."
Which is good because he would've been
wrong.
Very gracious.
And I'm sure that the house is gonna sell
in no time.
Great. Hear, hear!
Hey, I've got a friend who wants to buy a
house.
Maybe I can show it to him after school.
Then if he buys it, I'd get the commission.
What would that be?
Adorable.
I'm serious. And I'm not adorable.
I'm getting a mustache.
I know my a-b-c's.
I guess things weren't about you for a
second.
Okay, wrapping this up.
To the fastest sale in real estate history.
Yes! Bravo!
Seriously, it's bad luck to toast with an
empty glass.
Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you.
You guys did a nice job on the house. My
buyer wants in.

Fantastic! That is great news!
You know, when we first got into this--
the small talk's over.
Here's what we're prepared to offer.
You're joking, right?
I don't joke about real estate.
I joke about golf and Mexicans.
It's okay, though. I'm married to one.
W-we're not gonna take this.
It's the first day on the market.
- We'd barely break even. - Take it.
No.
- The market's crashing! - Nuh-unh.
You're in over your head.
Maybe you're in over your head.
Dunphy, listen to me.
If you pass up on this, you're gonna regret
it.
I don't know the meaning of the word
"Regret."
Here we go. French toast, double bacon.
Egg whites, dry toast.
Damn it.
Let me tell you something, Gil.
You may be top dog,
but you're the one who's gonna have
regrets,
'cause this house is gonna sell like...
that.
That's it for today.
We're going to die in this house.
Oh, the pillows have lost their fluff.
The pillows are not the problem!
It's okay, Manny. I'll see you in a minute.
Yes, I'll be polite and I'll be nice. I
promise.
I'm going to kill him.
What'd Javier do this time?
His one big weekend alone with his son,
and I just found out
that he brought his latest bimbo along.
He always does this.
You remember that time that he took Manny
and that stripper fishing?
Yeah. They barely got a nipple.
Come on. That was good. I just thought of
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【702】-
Modern.Family.S04E20
that.
Are you done?
I bet she was comfortable with the pole.
Ah. Should've quit after "Nipple."
How does Leno do it night after night?,
I was just wondering that about myself.
Phil, please. Tell us that you have some
good news.
Well, it's complicated because I don't have
good news,
But I really want you guys to like me.
What?
Gil thorpe called back with another offer,
But it was $10,000 lower than the last one.
Lower?
Oh, that is perfect. That's just perfect.
Something you wanna say, Mitchell?
Yes. I told you so.
I warned you this would happen.
I tried to stop it, but you wouldn't let
me.
I was right, and you were wrong.
You live in this ridiculous candy-colored
fantasy land.
I am so much smarter than you,
and it is killing me not to rub your nose
in it!
No. I'm just thinking.
Okay, guys, we have to do something.
We can't carry this house for much longer.
Cam, what did you spend on staging?
Uh, let's see. I don't know.
How can you not know?!
Because I was hungry, and everything was
so pretty.
and I didn't think it would matter
because who could've guessed
we wouldn't have sold the house by now?
Me.
Phil, do you think you can
Get Gil Thorpe up to his original offer?
- How? - I don't know.
You could, uh, flatter him, stroke his ego.
No, he'd never fall for that. He's too
smart.
But, honey, if anybody can pull it off, you

can.
You're so good at everything.
That is true.
I'll do it.
We're back!
I cannot believe that again you brought a
girl.
What is it this time?
A cocktail waitress?
A boat show model? A stripper?
No, then I could make real money.
I'm just a PHD.
Mom, this is Trish.
- Gloria, hi. - Hi.
- Jay. - How do you do?
I have heard so much about you.
She works at the museum of art.
It was so cool. We got an after hours tour,
and Trish said I could take flash pictures
of the paintings.
But don't worry. I didn't.
That's a relief.
I was afraid I was gonna have to look at
'em.
So you work at the museum?
Oh, no. I'm just on the board.
I run the art and antiquities department
at Christie's.
Let me see. What is the word I am looking
for?
Oh, yes. Bam!
So how did you two meet?
I won a car in a poker game, but it caught
on fire,
so the guy gave me a painting.
I took it to the auction house,
Eh, ticky ticky, I made a big profit
but I still came home with a masterpiece.
He means her.
May I tell you, you have a wonderful boy?
So well-mannered and chivalrous.
It's like he leapt off the canvas
Of a 16th century portrait by Gainsborough
or Van Dyke.
Listen to that brain.
Can they stay for dinner?
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【703】-
Modern.Family.S04E20
Well, that's up to them, papi.
How can I turn down a free meal?
First time's the hardest.
What do you say, my love?
Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to say good-bye
to this guy yet.
But I'll only stay if you let me contribute.
I did bring along a fabulous bottle of '82
bordeaux
that we didn't get to this weekend.
For that, you can take Manny home.
See what I have to put up with?
Gil!
Phil Dunphy.
I knew you'd come slinking back!
Hey, guys!
It's Dunphy. He's cavin'. What did I tell
you?
What did I tell you, hey?
Oh, Dunphy, I can play you like a ukulele,
'cause you're small and dainty.
Gil, I wanna talk to you about your offer.
Let me stop you right there.
This is how this is gonna go down.
First of all, I'm gonna take you out to a
very nice dinner.
I'm gonna talk really sweet to you.
And then I'm gonna lay you down by the
fire...
Oh. Slow at first, then...
If you guys are talking about the house,
My friend Zack's still looking.
Honey, 14-year-olds can't afford to buy
houses.
He's not 14.
He's a software guy who volunteers at my
school.
We're gonna be sweating...
He's an adult with money?
He drives a nicer car than you.
Get me his number right now!
And then you're gonna go home
and tell everybody you went to the movies,
but you and I both know
that you got thorpedoed.
Guess what, Gil. This was a courtesy call

to tell you that I have another buyer.
So you can tell your buyer that
you cost them a great house
because you got cocky and overplayed your
hand.
Prepare to Phil the agony of Dun-feat.
Both names!
Now I'm not an art expert like you,
but I did acquire this piece in a gallery
in one of the finer Vegas casinos.
What do you think?
It does say something.
He used to, before his little voice box
broke.
It said, "Welcome home, master. Rough day?"
Again?
Would you believe she made me keep this in
the attic?
Gloria, Trish says this is art.
What was it Thoreau said?
"It's not what you look at that matters.
It's what you see."
Hear that?
You were wrong.
Keep talking like that,
and you will find out how he lost his voice
box.
- What have we here? - His name's Barkley.
That's delightful.
It's not delightful. It's disgusting.
Uh, look at Warhol. Look at Koons.
A lot of great works of contemporary art
were initially dismissed as garbage.
Excellent point, Trish.
This is not even garbage.
They wouldn't take it. It's too big for the
can.
Now what I see is a man who is not man.
He is a servant who has lost his dignity.
It is a commentary on the class system in
society--
As well as a handy place to put your keys
and sunglasses.
Whatever he is,
your Barkley is going back to the attic.
I'm going to see the baby.
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-【704】-
Modern.Family.S04E20
Barkley.
Very clever.
Come on, guys. Let's play.
What are you going to play?
Charades. Me and Trish against dad and Jay.
I have to warn you, Jay. These two are very
good.
It's like they have their own language.
I want to play, too.
Which team should I join?
- Go with Manny. - Go with Jay.
- Them. - His team.
Okay, then. Great.
Well, we'll see you tonight.
well, Zack Barbie is indeed an adult,
He likes the neighborhood, and he's
interested.
Oh, thank god.
Really? Did god come in here and tell you
about him?
Because I don't remember it that way.
Okay, okay, this is it, people.
We cannot afford to lose this buyer.
Why am I standing?
Phil, do you think this is the right house
for him?
It's hard to tell. He's young. He's single.
I don't know anything else about him.
Zack Barbie. Born 1986.
Went to college at a place called "Mit."
M.I.T.
I know how to spell it.
Five words.
It's a book.
There's an old man...
On the boat...
He caught a big fish.
The old man and the fish!
Uh, time!
"The old man and the sea"!
Never heard about it.
Hemingway's classic tale of man versus
nature.
Leave it to a guy with a hundred cats
to write a good fish story, right?
Oh, ho, Trish!
 Modern.Family.S04E20
What is this, a book club or a fun game? things.
Go. He meditates, he loves Indian food,
Play. And he's crazy about his dog Otis.
Five words. Does the house have a doggie door?
Second word. Scared. Afraid. - No. - No.
- "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" - Got Put one in. You get to Barbie through Otis.
it! She's like the girl with the dragon tattoo.
You're amazing! With cuter hair.
Wowie! You could do this for a living. - Stop talking! - Oh, she really is.
Really? There's such a thing? Dude has a thing for chicks in black tights,
No, just like there's no such thing he likes old school funk,
as a professional Broadway enthusiast. and he chipped his front tooth playing
You're gonna have to get a real job. soccer.
Okay, it's my turn. Aw! It's actually kind of cute.
I don't know this. Oh, my god. You're falling in love with him.
I don't know this. Oh, please. It's just a job, nothing more.
Mom, you have to do the one you pick. Okay, that's enough to go on. Let's move.
Oh, no, Manny. It's fine. We've got two hours
Just keep picking until you get one you to turn that place into Zack Barbie's dream
like. house.
No, no. I don't have to keep picking. I'm - Barbie's dream house. - We don't have
gonna do this one. time!
Uh-oh. No, I got this. What the hell was all that about?
Is it a play, a book, or a movie? Why don't you ask Trish? She knows
Yeah, one of those. everything.
- "Lost"! - "Clueless"! Well, at least she's not a bimbo.
"Dazed and Confused"! She and Manny seem to hit it off fine.
This is stupid. What's the problem?
Nobody can get this. Just one weekend, and he already idolizes
You're probably right. I just... her.
Yeah. See? This is one of mine. It's really And why wouldn't he? She's so much smarter
hard. than me.
Really? What is it? You do it. She knows so much more about the things that
Play. he loves.
"Sweeney Todd"! They have their little inside jokes.
Exactly. If she learns how to froth his cappuccino,
What a team. I am history.
This is a stupid... game! You and Manny have the closest relationship
Okay, so after a quick scan of his Facebook, I've ever seen.
Twitter, Hell, he may never form
Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram, a healthy attachment with another woman
here is what I know. after you.
Privacy is dead? You're just saying that.
Likes--Chicago Blackhawks, kickboxing, And it doesn't matter if Manny likes her.
The movie "Die Hard," and beer. Knowing Javier's track record,
- He sounds like a frat boy. - Oh, he's many He'll dump her like he dumps everybody.

第 5 页 共 9 页

-【705】-

You are wrong, Jay. I'm not going to dump
her.
In fact, this weekend, I asked Trish to
marry me.
You're going to marry her?
I was waiting for the right time to tell
you.
Nailed it.
I wanted to ask you for my abuela's ring
back.
I really want Trish to wear it.
She is the most amazing woman I've ever
known.
You see that I am holding a knife.
Please.
Half our marriage was you with a knife.
Trish is the one. And Manny already loves
her.
He can spend more time with us now--
Holidays, summers even.
Fine. I'll go get you the ring.
But you owe me $8
Because I had to replace "The emerald."
Javier, you've brought a lot of
30-year-olds around here,
but this one's my favorite.
And I like Trish, too.
Me, too.
Well, then I suppose this is
as good a moment as any to tell you, Manny.
Trish and I are getting married.
Oh, my gosh. This is the best news ever!
Here. Drink.
Now listen, my love.
This belonged to my abuela.
Um, maybe not now, Javier.
No, no. Please. Please.
It will fill my heart to see this ring on
your...
Your finger.
Oh. It's-- it's a little small.
I can't do this.
No, no. I'll just push a little harder.
Javier, stop. It'll never work.
But wait, my love.
We can put butter on your finger.
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-【706】-
Modern.Family.S04E20
That's him. Hit it.
Hey! Not him.
Hey, guys. Sorry it took me so long.
I've never bought beer before. There's just
so many choices.
Do we really need that much?
I don't know. Is this a lot?
Showtime!
Hey! Not him.
Hey! Thought I'd just swing by and see how
it's going.
Zack here?
Oh, my God.
You are wearing black tights.
Alex was right. You are into him.
That skank Zoey broke his heart.
I can make him whole again!
Haley.
Okay, that has to be him.
Everyone we know is already here.
- Everyone, places. Let's make this perfect.
- Yes.
I'm Ira Glass.
- Today on the program... - No, no.
- That's not it.- Turn that off!
- No, no, no, no, no! - Turn it off!
It's the back button.
Hey! You must be Zack.
I'm Phil Dunphy. Come on in.
Hi.
These are my associates.
- Hello! Good evening. - Hi!
Hi!
Oh, and my, uh, my daughter.
So... This is the place.
Looks nice.
So, Zack, you hungry?
Uh, no. But, uh, it smells great.
Yeah, it's from this amazing Indian place
just down the road.
It's walking distance.
Which is awesome
if you've had one too many brewskis, am I
right?
Yeah.
Oh. Is someone a blackhawks fan? Love the
 Modern.Family.S04E20
hawks. Is it because of your fat fingers?
Yeah, well, that's a weird coincidence. - No, it's you. - Me?
Let's go check out the kickboxing gym. How can I compete with you?
Seriously? I kickbox. All Manny talks about
- What?! - Yeah. is how he's got the world's greatest mom.
Come on! And I know how Javier regrets losing you.
Haley! No, he doesn't.
Trish, open up! Oh, believe me, he does.
No. I don't want to see you right now. And who could blame him? I mean...
Open up, or I'm going to break down the Look at you!
door! Who has a body like that?!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Don't break down the And you just had a baby two months ago?
door! I mean, what--do you just live at the gym?
Ay, caramba. Who has time for the gym?
I'm beginning to think I should've just You know what I had for lunch?!
bought a ring. I had a half a granola bar,
- Let me talk to her. - You? and I can't button my pants!
Yes. She's scared. Maybe I can help. I can't cook!
Help her go... Adios. And at best, I am average in bed!
Go ahead. And I will never,
And you tell her she's being crazy and ever, ever live up to the great Gloria!
irrational. Welcome to the family!
And if she doesn't come out, I'm going to And did I mention that from the back of the
burn down this house! garden,
Don't burn down the house! you can almost see a piece of the building
Trish, open! It's Gloria. that they shot "Die hard" in?
I'm sorry. I needed to be alone. I like to sit back there sometimes.
In Manny's bedroom? It's a great place to gather my thoughts
Well... I thought it was a bathroom. and just...
It smells like potpourri. I don't know. Be in the now.
Listen, I meditate every day.
I would be the first person to understand Yippee-ki-yay!
that What are the odds?
you're having second thoughts about You know, this is probably not gonna help
marrying Javier. my negotiating power, but...
I am, I kinda can't believe how perfect this
but I do love him. house is.
Of course you do, And how much is little Otis gonna enjoy this
even though he's irresponsible and doggie door?
impulsive, How do you... know my dog's name?
and if your sisters are even a little bit I don't.
pretty, Yeah, you do. You just said "Otis."
- he's gonna try-- - No, no, no, no, no. No. No, no, he said,
It's not that. "Oh, dis doggie door would be perfect for
Is it the drinking? your dog..."
Is it the gambling? Should you own one.

第 7 页 共 9 页

-【707】-

- That's not even close to what he just said.
- That's what I heard.
Anyway, we can do a very fast escrow
and get you in this house by the end of the
month.
Oh! Just in time for your birthday!
This is weird!
It's totally weird.
Okay, the blackhawks, you know my birthday,
and you know my dog's name.
- You guys are freaking me out. - Okay, wait
a second.
We poured our hearts into this house,
and we just wanted to show you what it would
be like
if you were living here.
Did we go a tiny bit overboard?
Oh, my god.
Favorite song.
- Way to go. - You take care.
Can you even see the "Die hard" building
from here?
No.
I'll be at coachella, too! I'll come find
you!
- Honey! - Haley!
Well, that's it.
We're officially screwed.
Darn it.
It's okay, honey.
No, it's not okay. I feel responsible.
I dragged us all into this.
The whole point was so that I could make
a little extra money
and contribute to the family,
and instead, I'm gonna end up costing us.
I'm a failure.
Hey. Hey.
No one could've predicted this.
My bad.
We'll find another buyer.
- This time, we'll learn from our mistakes.
- Got it. I got it.
He's back!
No. No, no, no! Stop! Stop. Stop.
This is a great house. It was built with
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【708】-
Modern.Family.S04E20
integrity.
We should sell it that way, okay? No more
tricks.
- Yeah. - Let's just be honest.
No tricks.
- Hey, Dunphy. - Gil.
Your office said you'd be over here.
Yeah, I am here.
With my buyers.
What do you guys think?
Oh, my god! This house is perfect.
I especially love the warm embrace of the
parlor!
- It screams you. - No, it screams you,
sweetie.
Oh, dis doggie door, Cam. Look. Ooh!
Damn it. Gays.
They come to play.
I'm busy, Gil.
Don't accept any offers without talking to
me first.
My buyer wants in, all right?
I don't know. We're pretty far down that
road.
All right. We'll up the offer.
Gil...
Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
First, you're gonna buy me a lovely dinner.
No, that's not it.
First, I'm gonna buy you a lovely dinner.
Then I'm gonna take you in the back...
It's gonna happen! It's gonna happen!
We're gonna sell the house.
You see, Mitchell? I told you so.
That's my wife. I better take it.
Hey, hey. Whoa, listen. Whatever you do,
don't tell her you're playing golf on a
weekday.
You'll be doing dishes all night.
Good call. Thank you, my man.
Hey, honey. What's up?
Oh, not much.
Just, uh, in a meeting.
You know, working hard, bringing home the
bacon.
No, he's not! He's playing golf!
 Modern.Family.S04E20
No.
Um... Fore! Nice putt!
Why you lying to your wife, Dunphy?
Hey, he had a beer at lunch, too!
What is wrong with you?
You just got thorpedoed!
Come back here.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【709】-

Modern.Family.S04E21
- I didn't say anything. - Stop talking.
That's talking.
You think she's asleep yet?
I'm on the same side of the door as you are.
- Stop talking. - Cam.
Lily lost her first tooth today.
And she's very excited about the visit from
the tooth fairy.
When I have my first loose tooth,
my mom tied one end of the string to it,
the other to the tail of a cow
fired off a 12-gauge shotgun,
and the cow went running out of the room.
That never happened.
Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my
bedroom wall.
Gotcha!
what are you doing here?
You're not the tooth fairy.
N-no. But we just wanted to see if she'd
come yet.
No. She sure is taking her sweet time.
- Maybe you should just go back to sleep,
sweetie. - Yeah.
'cause it could take a while.
I've got nowhere to be.
Mom, I can't be late today.
Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.
So sad what passes for a date in your life.
- Haley. - He keeps asking me to hand him
all of the instruments.
He wants me to act like a nurse.
Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.
Okay, before you say no...
- No. - You haven't even seen it yet.
Mm, I'm sticking with "No."
It's for Luke's Career Day.
I thought I'd offer the kids a chance
to put their face on my body.
I just heard it, too.
How come you guys never had a Career Day?
- Cutbacks. - Nor'easter.
Today I get to talk about the love of my
life...
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-【710】-
Modern.Family.S04E21
residential real estate.
He really doesn't hear it.
I wanna make Luke proud.
I wanna be his hero like my dad was
when he talked to my class
about running a grocery store.
He came in with two price guns in holsters
and marked our teacher at $1.29
before she knew what hit her.
I bet that produced a lot of laughs.
Claire, please.
And Olivia Berman's mom
works in the rare books department at the
library.
Hope I get a chance to pick that brain.
Looks like you got quite the Career Day
lineup.
So I guess they already got a closet guy
coming in, huh?
No. I didn't think you'd wanna do it.
I don't, but you know, I just feel bad for
the kids.
A lot of interesting stories in the closet
biz.
Oh. Why have you never told us any?
Okay. Well, for example, there was this
guy...
- must have had over a hundred hats... -
Yes?
And we had to fit them in the closet.
Okay?
And we did.
All right. Maybe it's not the most exciting
career in the world,
but it pays the bills.
No one is complaining.
Were there other things I'd rather do? Yes.
- But I had to make ends meet. - What other
things?
Well, I always wanted to write thrillers.
- Like that hat story? - Spy thrillers.
I've been kicking around this character,
CIA agent Chuck Stone, who doesn't care
how much his antics annoy the brass in
Arlington.
Why didn't you ever try it?

I was busy with work and family.
I was gonna start writing after my divorce,
But you know... life got in the way.
Why do you point at me when you say "Life"?
Am I "Life"?
I meant you keep my busy.
You had a 3-hour nap on Sunday.
- I was tired. From what?
Your 2-hour nap on Saturday?
Jay, I've been with you for five years,
and I've never heard you mention anything
about writing.
Hey. I bought a typewriter.
A typewriter?
When is your book signing?
It's a hell of a character.
They taught him how to kill,
but he never learned to love!
No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait. Okay.
Daddies! Daddies! The tooth fairy came.
- What? No way! - Oh, that's so exciting!
What'd she bring you?
Oh! Fairy dust. Nice touch.
Oh, my gosh, it's a lot.
Some stickers...
A toothbrush...
And a hundred dollar bill!
- What? Okay. - Look at that.
I love the tooth fairy.
The tooth fairy gave our daughter $100.
Does she not know that the going rate for
a tooth is $5 at the most?
Well, obviously, the tooth fairy made a
mistake.
Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy
had a little too much chardonnay last
night.
I think the tooth fairy can handle the
chardonnay.
What I don't think she can handle
is criticizing someone who made an honest
mistake
in the dark of the night.
I'm gonna put this in my clutch.
I can't wait to tell everyone at school!
Okay, we cannot be the parents of a
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-【711】-
Modern.Family.S04E21
6-year-old
who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.
It's bad enough we're the parents of a
6-year-old with a clutch.
You know, that bag transitions from day to
night seamlessly,
and I no longer have to carry crayons in
my front pocket.
Can't have this argument again!
Thank you, Dr. Ann,
for showing us how exciting and surprising
a real live therapy session can be.
I will hold on to this card.
Next up, we have Luke's dad, Mr. Dunphy.
Hey. Thank you.
Guess what?
I've been in your house when you weren't
home.
And yours. And yours.
No, I'm not a burglar. I'm a realtor.
Ho! Hey, sorry I'm late!
I just sold another mansion.
How you doin', honey?
History is full of great rivalries--
Athens and Sparta, Kerrigan and Harding,
Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe.
In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the
Nancy.,
Pay attention, kids.
You're about to hear from the number four
realtor in town.
Anyway, uh, I'm not gonna bore you guys with
a lecture.
Instead, I'd like you to watch
as I converse with a young man
who's wondering what to do with his life.
Hey, kid.
Hey, kid, up here! Up here!
Yo, dude! Whassup?
I'll tell you what's up.
I'm interested in helping you
by telling you all about a career in real
estate.
Real estate? Isn't that just buying and
selling houses?
I don't have time for that. Epic fail.

Sounds like we need to start at the
beginning.
You see, real estate is about people.
People?
Couldn't agree more, Phil. Best part of our
job
is putting the right person in the right
home.
- Gil... - Matter of fact, last week,
I put a "Spanish" Couple into
- a Spanish home. - Gil.
A world without houses? That's cray cray.
Okay. Okay.
Phil, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to screw up
your little show.
I know timing is critical on these things.
- Gil, please. - Believe me, the last thing
I want to do is...
You sold a house to the channel 7
weatherman?
No. No.
But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant.
What?! Guess what? He's not talking to you.
He's talking to me.
And I have a very funny story, actually.
- A guy walks into... No. - That's
hilarious.
No! I haven't told it!
Okay, um... Oh!
Great throw. You were right.
- It is in my court. - Ball's in your court!
But guess what-- it was me the whole time.
What?!
Come on, kids, come on.
Give it up! Give it up! He tried.
I think we all know what you were going for,
Phil.
But I'm lookin' out here, and I'm seeing
some hungry kids.
Am I right? That's why I brought plenty
of...
Gil pickles!
Who wants a Gil pickle?
Come on. Let me see 'em.
All right. Come on. Grab one.
Gil pickles.
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Genius.
So much better than my Phil-low cases.
Claire wasn't a fan.
One of him in bed is more than enough.
Do you hear that, ladies?
All right. Just hit "Send."
Hey! You just sold a house!
And you're gonna be chasing that high for
the rest of your life.
Give her a round of applause, everybody.
She just sold a house.
I wanna thank you kids for having me here
today.
And remember the three rules of real
estate--
Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!
Thank you, Mr. Thorpe.
It turns out we have a little extra time.
- Uh, Mrs. Dunphy? - Yes?
I'm sure the class would love to hear from
you.
Oh, no. I just came in to help my husband.
I'm a... I'm a stay-at-home mom.
I know. And that's a very important job.
It is. Uh, yeah.
I can--I can do this for a minute.
Um, stay-at-home mom.
Uh, what that means is I actually have
a whole bunch of different jobs.
I am a chauffeur, a chef,
Uh, a house manager,
- A nurse. - Is it what you always wanted
to do?
No. Not exactly.
Uh, I went to college, uh, to study
marketing
and worked at one of those big hotel
companies.
But when my kids came along,
I just wanted to be there.
You know, wipe their noses and change their
diapers
And tuck 'em in at night.
Mom!
For the record, I do all my own wiping.
So why haven't you gone back to work?

I've done a few things lately. I just redid
a house,
and I ran for city council last year.
You're on the city council?
No. I-I didn't win.
- You lost? - That's what "Didn't win"
means.
I... I thought I would be going back to work
when the kids got older,
But it--it's not as easy as you might think.
You know, people aren't exactly lining up
to hire a woman who's almost 40
and has been out of the job market for 15
years.
I thought you were 42.
That's almost 40, Luke.
My mom went back to work when I was 4.
Oh, so there was no one at home to teach
you not to interrupt?
Okay. Hey, hey, hey!
Let me tell you something.
Stay-at-home moms are heroes.
- Yeah. - They're the backbone of this
country.
Thanks, Gil.
I mean, if I had to do that job,
I'd probably drink myself to death,
honestly.
All right, let's give her a round of
applause, everybody.
Come on.
Oh, come on, you can do better than that.
Let me hear ya!
All right! All right!
All right, class dismissed. Get out of
here!
No!
No, no, no.
We have... Guys, we have three more hours.
- Here. - My old typewriter.
You said you want to write. Write.
Now? I've got a busy day.
I already called your office
And told them that you can't come in
to walk around for 20 minutes
saying to everyone, "What's up, sport?"
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-【713】-
Modern.Family.S04E21
I know this is your subtle little way
of saying you don't think I can do it.
No. It's life getting out of the way.
Fine. I'm gonna take you up on your little
challenge,
but you should know this--
this behavior of yours is not gonna fly
when you lose your looks.
You're gonna be long gone by then.
- Dunphy. - Yeah? Oh.
- You okay? - I'm fine. I'm fine.
Don't let that little smart-ass bother you,
all right.
Have you seen her mother? Does not age well.
well, um, thanks for rescuing me in there.
And tell Phil I'm sorry
if I threw him off in there.
I probably should learn just to keep my big
blowhole shut.
Actually, it went a little better than it
did in rehearsal,
to be honest.
- But I will tell him what you said. - All
right.
You know, your little meltdown in there got
me thinking.
I'm building a retail office development,
and I could use a liaison
to work with the planning commission.
Are you offering me a job?
Well, yeah. You know people in city hall,
and you did a hell of a job on that flip.
And for the safety of you and your family,
I gotta get you out of that house.
But you and Phil are competitors. It--
Not on this.
Look, if this works out, everybody's gonna
win...
Except for that tropical fish store we're
booting out of there.
I don't feel bad about that at all.
Can I take a couple of days to think about
it?
- Yeah. Yeah. Take your time. No pressure.
- Okay.
And when you're ready, just give me a call.
 Modern.Family.S04E21
- Okay. - Number's on the stick. "Or B.L.T, as Chuck Stone called it--
Great. Oh, yeah. Okay. Gil pickle. "would really hit the spot."
See ya! Thorpe! Thorpe! Thorpe! "The secret, chuck realized, was real
Thorpe. Thorpe. Thorpe. mayonnaise..."
Look what just came in the mail-- "Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying
A letter addressed to you, Lily. for their son."
Really? I don't get much mail. Damn it!
Oh, let's see here. "I mean, what's the point of
Uh, yeah. Oh, the tooth fairy. t-t-t-t-t-t-t?"
"1 Tooth Fairy Lane. Tooth City, Tooth "Tea for two. Two for tea."
Dakota." It only gets worse from here.
I hope it's another $100. You can't be serious!
Ooh! Well, lookie there. Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!
Glitter! I hate to break it to you, Phil,
I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to but you're not Batman.
worry about vacuuming. Trust me.
See, "Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made Gil's a snake and he's found the perfect
a mistake" way to mess with me.
"and gave you too much money." Did it ever occur to you that he was hiring
"Please leave the $100 under your pillow me because of...
tonight," I don't know? Me.
"and I'll give you a dollar. Are you kidding? What's your last name?!
Sorry if that bites." Right now?
Let me see that. I'm sorry, Claire.
I can't read. I-I hate to do this, but I have to use my
Uh, well, it sounds like she's really in veto.
a jam. Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes.
And I think we're gonna You veto me all the time.
have to give the tooth fairy her $100 back. 'Cause you have dumb ideas.
No! I wanna keep it. Name one.
I'm scared that she's gonna be the one That went on for a while.
- taking care of us when we're older. - ...And let's not forget shower snacks.
Yeah. I can't be the only one who gets hungry in
"Chuck Stone," there!
"6-foot, 3-inches of steely eyed Hey, Jay. My mom said you were writing a
determination" book.
"sat at the interrogation table." That's fantastic.
"His mind was a blank..." By the way, Career Day was a little weird.
"A complete blank. I think Claire's going through some pretty
"He literally could not think of one single, dark stuff,
solitary thing. - and you might want to check... - Enough
"Then he noticed a spot." chitchat.
"It looked like syrup left over from I've gotta get a character out of a bind.
breakfast..." Ooh. What did he do?
"Which made him realize it was lunchtime." He told his wife he could write a book.
"A bacon, lettuce, and tomato, sandwich--" Don't give up, Jay. Self-doubt is part of

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【714】-

the process.
You can't be a good writer
without being critical of your own work.
What?
I'm racking my brain for a compliment here.
I know. It stinks.
And your mom's gonna rub it in my face
pretty good.
Okay. Why is Chuck Stone interrogating this
guy?
He needs the codes. If he doesn't get 'em,
the International Space Station's gonna
crash into Times Square on New Year's Eve.
So he's short of time.
He's got about two minutes. He's desperate.
How about this?
"Chuck Stone smiled and lit a cigarette,"
"as if he had all the time in the world,"
when in fact, the world was about to end."
Holy crap. What happens next?
Move over. I'll type.
Some coffee would be great. Thanks.
I'm sorry. I don't understand why
we don't just go in there,
we tell her we're taking the money, and
that's that.
Because this is a teaching moment,
and we want her to want to give the money
back.
I'm just really worried
we're becoming those overindulgent parents
right now.
Don't be silly.
Okay, you ready, tooth fairy?
- Let's do this. - All right.
Lily, look who came to say hi!
It's me, the tooth fairy.
And I've come to ask you for a favor!
Are you really the tooth fairy?
Oh, yes, I am. Look at my wings!
Can you fly? I wanna see you fly.
Well, I can't right now because...
Well, because--
Because the tooth fairy's too sad to fly...
Because she made a mistake that only you
can make better.
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-【715】-
Modern.Family.S04E21
Is this about the money again?
Well, yes, it is.
I need enough for all the other children's
tooths.
- Teeth. - Wait a minute.
You're not the tooth fairy. You're Haley.
No! I am the tooth fairy!
Look! Fairy dust!
And there's that glitter.
Why did you lie?
You said lying was wrong.
We also said that when someone is in trouble,
you help them.
How do I know you weren't lying?
She is good.
All right, Lily, this is ridiculous.
All right, the tooth fairy has made a
mistake.
You need to put the $100 under the pillow,
and that is the end of the story.
Because you believe it's the right thing
to do...
- Yes. - Don't you?
But I wanna buy a scooter.
Oh. That's what I'd do.
I mean...
Who cares what Santa thinks, right?
Santa?
Well, he sees everything,
And this'll probably put you on the
"Naughty" list.
But who needs presents every year?
You've got a hundred dollars.
You can ride around that empty christmas
tree
until you're an old lady.
Can I have some time to think about it?
- You don't need any... - Of course,
sweetie.
Yeah. Okay.
Haley? Okay, that was brilliant.
Thanks. Oh, also, can I borrow this?
- Why? - I'd rather not say.
You know, after I put on the wig,
I just... I felt like the character.
Hang on.

Yell-o?
Quick question. Am I talking to live Phil
or video Phil?
What do you want, Gil?
I just wanna make sure it's okay that your
wife calls me "Boss."
- Good-bye. - Oh, hold on! Hold on!
I'm just messing with ya.
Although I do think
your wife's gonna enjoy being under me.
My son is in the car.
Hey, superstar! What's up?
Listen, any time you wanna swing by the
beach house,
I'll be glad to show you how to throw a tight
spiral
like I did at Texas Tech. Booyah!
- Tommy! - He already knows how to throw.
- Yeah, my gay uncle Cam taught me. - I-I
got this.
This was between us. You don't bring family
into it.
Low blow getting Claire's hopes up.
Hey, I'm not getting her hopes up.
This is a real job with real bennies--
One of which is
I get to tell you what I'm thinking
whenever she leans over my desk!
Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with this!
Later, Dunph-bags!
What a jerk.
You know what? We're gonna tell your mom
before she goes into business with this
guy.
He's Gil-ty of being a Thorpe in my side.,
Trying too hard.
Yeah.
Hello!
Move!
You're fine.
So?
How was your first day of writing?
Gloria, shh! Let me finish one thought.
Got it.
So you actually wrote something?
Well, it was slow going at first,
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-【716】-
Modern.Family.S04E21
but then the juices started flowing.
- May I? - Sure.
Uh, if it helps, picture Tom Berenger.,
I always do.
What?
Well, it's just this...
This first sentence is a bit long.
Long or dynamic?
No, long and confusing. I can't tell who's
talking.
Maybe that's just to mimic The Fog of
Battle.,
Okay.
What now?
Just... There were no cell phones in 1965.
That's a mistake. I'm changing that.
You can't change that. It comes back in the
end...
I-I presume.
The point is, I can write.
I probably won't pursue it,
but it's a viable career option.
The CIA had all sorts of top-secret
technology.
Who's to say they didn't have cell phones?
Manny, let it go.
And this Chuck Stone--
He doesn't seem very good at his job.
He's flawed. That's what makes the
character interesting.
If you want someone perfect, put in a robot.
A robot!
I like a robot.
No! You're not putting a robot in my story!
That's right, my story.
You must be very happy.
I would be, but life got in the way.
What are you doing?
Oh, I just got out my old briefcase.
It's still capable of doing the job,
Just like me.
Claire, you have to understand something.
You have to understand something.
I walked around all day on cloud nine
because somebody valued me.
I value you. We all value you.
 Modern.Family.S04E21
No, of course you do, Because you always mess it up.
Because I cook and I clean and I pick up Yeah, why can't you pee straight?
dirty underwear. Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far
No, honey, it's different than that. back.
I have been on the sidelines for so long, Okay, guys, team Dunphy on three.
I didn't know if anybody would ever think One, two--that's right, we got a lot to do!
I have what it takes again. Honey, what are you doing home so early?
I know Gil's not the greatest guy, I quit. That man is a complete pig.
But this is important. And I think-- He treated me like a servant
I think you should take the job. and showed me absolutely no respect.
But, dad... I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that.
No, Luke. She's right. I do.
Your mom's gonna be amazing at this. So what's for dinner?
- I retract my veto. - You never had a veto. I feel like you heard me wrong. I said,
- Yes, I did. - No, you didn't, and I'll what's for dinner?
tell you why. I heard you!
And that went on for a while.
...And lastly, this whole conversation
would be happening
- in a yurt. - It's the perfect structure.
I have to go take the shoulder pads out of
all my old suits!
You know he's gonna keep teasing you.
If it makes your mom happy, I can handle
a few phone calls.
And texts.
- What does it say? - Nothing I can't
handle.
"We all weave a web of lies."
"Some we tell to try to help the ones we
love."
"Some we tell to try to fool ourselves."
"And some we tell because,
when you're out of bullets
and staring down the barrel of a
kalashnikov,
the only weapon you've got left is guile."
She's nuts. That's fantastic.
Okay, guys, bring it in!
Let's get this place shipshape before she
gets home.
I'm sure she had a big first day.
Haley, I'm putting you on laundry.
Alex, kitchen and vacuum.
Luke, you're cleaning the bathroom.
Why me?

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-【717】-

Modern.Family.S04E22
Oh, great. we've got the Prius that can
make dinner reservations, buy movie
tickets,
tell us the weather.
I just want one that opens.
Maybe we should've got that one.
Mitchell!
Oh, oh, my God! Teddy!
Cam, this is Teddy.
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
Doc--Doctor Teddy!
Teddy was Mitch's one significant
boyfriend before me.
Uh, Mitch had recently just come out.
And as he put it,
it was hard to love someone else if he
couldn't love himself.
I actually said those words?
Ugh. It's kind of hard to love myself right
now.
You were the one who said, "I need some
time.
I'll call you when I heal more."
Ten years later...
I never said that.
Time to heal more! That's so sweet and
sensitive.
Why did you kill that part of yourself?
You know, I'm hosting a fund-raiser for the
hospital this weekend
at that roller rink on South Main.
Any chance you guys can come?
- Yeah. Absolutely. - Possibly.
- We'll be there. - Okay.
Great. So 4:00 Saturday.
I'm so glad I bumped into y'all.
Us, too. Say bye, Lily!
Bye, Lily.
I taught her that, so...
- Bye, Lily. - Bye. Bye, Teddy.
Oh, my gosh, he's great!
You're okay making plans with my
ex-boyfriend?
Um, yes. It's been a hundred years.
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-【718】-
Modern.Family.S04E22
Plus, this is one of the many benefits of
being gay.
We can be friends with our exes
without all the petty jealousy
straight people go through.
Well, I guess I am friends with Pepper,
so...
I went on one date with Pepper. One.
When are you gonna stop bringing it up?
When you stop reacting like that.
Daddy loves Pepper.
I taught her that.
That's private.
Oh, sorry. But why do you have all of our
names down on a list?
It's for my school essay--
pick a hero in your family
and write about why you've chosen him or
her.
You're still in the running,
But I'm not loving that you're drinking
wine while watching my brother.
Well, it was from an open bottle of white
in your fridge, so...
It's about judgment, Claire.
It's not the 70's. We know better.
There was lipstick on the bottle.
There are my babies!
- How was dinner? - Perfect.
I had a steak, I had some ice cream,
Gloria found a hair in her fish,
and it didn't cost us a penny!
It might have been my own hair,
but Jay was so happy that I didn't say
anything.
What?
Honey, you got a second before you go?
I wanna talk to you about something.
All right. Why is she smiling at me like
that?
It's good news.
Okay.
You remember Bob from my office?
Yeah, uncle Bob. The one who did the trick
where he pulled a quarter out of my ear.
He learned another trick.

He pulled 50 grand out of our pension fund.
Oh. I fired him.
But the worst part is,
I was grooming him to take over the company.
But there's an upside.
He wants you to work for him.
I know it's just a job right now,
but you know that he has this thing going
on in his chest,
so you never know where
you're going to end up, Claire.
Gloria. Gloria, it's a cold.
Anyway, look,
I know you've been wanting to get back out
there,
and I always kind of thought that if you
did go back to work,
you'd come back to work with me.
I-I worked there for half a summer 20 years
ago.
And it-- it was terrific, honey.
Listen, obviously, we'll start you out
slow.
We'll give you time to re-learn about the
place,
and then maybe move you up. You know, you
do know a guy.
He means him!
It's a wonderful opportunity, dad. Thanks.
Could I--could I think about it,
- talk to Phil? - Oh, sure.
- I'll call you tomorrow. - All right. All
right. All right.
- Where's my boy? Give me my boy. - Here's
your man.
Here's your little man. Oh, love him.
What did I say about these flowered
blankets for him?
He's starting to take after Hugh Hef-nerd
over there.
Very amusing, Jay.
Let me just get your name down here.
Another brochure from a community college.
You know, I bet mom is having them send
these.
Really? You don't think they've targeted
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【719】-
Modern.Family.S04E22
you
as a must-have recruit?
At least this one doesn't have that fakey
lunchtime shot
of the black guy, asian girl, and an
indian--
Oh, wait! There it is.
Wow, that wheelchair kid is really cracking
everybody up.
girls, your mom's on her way home with
dinner!
I never got this.
If he sees it, we'll have to talk about it.
What?
What what?
If grandpa calls, I'm not home.
What happened?
He wants me to work for him.
Like, groom me to take over or something.
I don't know how I'm gonna say no.
Why would you say no?
I thought you were looking for something.
We could use the money, too,
especially if Haley decides to go back to
school.
Oh, is she still throwing out those college
brochures?
Just tossed one now.
Who does she think empties the trash?
You know what really sucks?
That job could be great.
But my dad is a terrible boss. He is so mean.
"Princess, coffeepot's not gonna wash
itself."
That's where you got that?
I said it to you one time.
Well, you just gotta tell him straight up,
man to man.
Woman to man. You're very shapely.
I know. I will.
It's just I hate it so much.
The--the four big times that I disappointed
him,
it devastated me.
I mean, the first time, I cut off all my
hair.

I went to college out of state.
I crashed his vintage jag into a wall.
That's only three.
Kids, dinner!
Oh, loving this already.
If no one gets a concussion,
we're totally coming back.
So listen, if at any point you're not okay
with seeing me and Teddy together,
just please let me know, and we can go.
Oh, well, thank you. And if at any point
you're not okay with me being so okay with
it,
you let me know.
Teddy! Teddy! Hey!
Aw, look at you!
This shirt is fantastic. You're adorable.
You're adorable!
Oh, I think somebody has a crush!
Thank you so much for having us.
I don't know which one of my girls is more
excited.
okay. Come on, let's get you some skates.
I want Teddy to come.
Oh, honey, I-I'm sure Teddy has other
things--
No, no! You guys go! Catch up.
- I'll lace up. - Okay.
Okay, ready?
- Have fun, okay! - Hey, uncle Cam!
Oh, my gosh! Hey! What's--what's going on?
What--what are you guys doing here?
- Teddy invited us. - You guys know Teddy.
- Yeah, totally. - Yeah, Teddy's great.
Heads up, amateurs!
It's time to rock 'n' roll! Do you get it?
Cam, what are you doing here?
Oh, hell, it's dad.
Whose dad? Not your dad.
I have been avoiding his calls all day.
- Quick, Phil, slingshot me. - All right.
Oh. Limbo skate, kids.
How low can you go?
I'm at a roller rink with my family
on a Saturday night. I win.
I have got to get a photo of Lily.
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Teddy's making her giggle so hard.
Oh, well, everybody loves... Teddy, so...
But you'll let me know if you're not okay.
Mitchell, do you know your entire family's
here,
invited by your ex-boyfriend?
Phil and Claire, Jay and Gloria,
your cousin Pete.
C--it's a-- it's a fund-raiser, all right?
I'm sure he just invited everyone on his
contact list.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
Yes, of course it does.
and... I'm flattered.
Why are you flattered?
- You know. - I don't.
You do!
I really don't!
Gloria, throw on those skates and take a
whirl with me.
Oh, I totally would,
but I'm taking care of Lily and she doesn't
want to.
Oh. Yes, I do.
No, you don't. You told me before.
You don't remember? Why would I lie?
Gloria.
You don't know how to roller-skate.
Of course I do. I know how to do everything.
I can't lie to that face.
It's a good thing that we're not married.
Well, I don't...
I can't skate. I am an elegant woman.
That means that I never do
the few things that I don't really do that
good.
But I'm a natural teacher.
But I'm going to look stupid.
Gloria...
Trust me.
As long as you're standing next to me,
you will not look stupid.
Oh, thank god! There is no place to sit.
Always room at my table for my darling
nieces.
Uhh... You beat us to it.

We were gonna ask this kid if we could
share.
Well, he was just leaving.
Yeah, you can totally sit with us.
You know, I debated even putting you two
on here.
Whoa, fancy.
Yeah, I know. Well, I did used to work here.
W-w-wait. You're the Claire from the
bathroom?
Oh, is it still here?
Y-yeah... oh...
Oh! Hey! Look at you two catching up
- after all these years. - Well, it hasn't
been that long.
It's been like a month since you came by
- when Alex had the flu, right? - Oh, no
kidding!
Well, I do get a home-cooked meal out of
it.
Plus I owe these guys.
Phil helped me buy my last two houses.
Oh. So good. Such great stories.
- Yeah. - Hey, you!
You owe me a phone call!
I know! I'm gonna call you!
Hey! Teddy's here, huh?
Hey, you deadbeat, you owe me 50 bucks for
the golf.
Well, maybe I'll slip it to you during your
next prostate exam.
I'll bet you're counting the days, you
perv.
Oh. So funny.
You and Jay really seem to have a thing,
don't ya?
And Gloria--what's the nature of your
relationship with her?
Well, actually, we just met tonight.
You know, I'm not so sure she likes me.
Really?
Uh, well, I mean, she just takes a little
time to warm up.
Oh, thanks. And thank you, again, for
coming tonight.
With the money we raised, we'll be able
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【721】-
Modern.Family.S04E22
to inoculate over 4,000 needy kids
against some truly awful diseases.
And how well do you know Luke?
I love that movie, too!
Yeah, that cool fight scene on that
skyscraper in Shanghai--
It really made me want to go to Japan.
Why? Shanghai's in China.
I'm just saying, you don't want to fly to
Japan,
get in a cab and say, "Take me to downtown
Shanghai."
It's a pretty expensive ride.
Uh, um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Come with me.
Be right back, guys.
Uh, what do you think you're doing out
there?
- I'm flirting. - That's what I was afraid
of.
Look, I'm not gonna pretend I'm stupid
- just so a boy will like me. - Of course
not.
But you don't have to put the poor guy to
shame.
Flirting with boys is about increasing your
value,
not decreasing theirs.
That's a complicated thought. What
magazine taught you that?
You're doing it again! The mean thing.
Can you even hear it or what?!
- I heard it. - Good.
So now that he knows that you're smart,
let's work on being nice.
- Wanna ditch the hoodie? - No.
That's all good. It's a process.
Man, tough finding a hero in this family,
huh?
You know, I've got problems of my own.
I can't always be the lovable sidekick on
"The Manny show."
Did you even notice I'm binge-eating?
You're really going through something.
Wanna talk about it?
Not even a little bit.

And don't go hounding me like you always
do.
Well, thanks for restoring my faith in this
family.
Too bad I'm not related to Teddy.
- He seems terrific. - Doesn't he, though?
Knees bent.
Arms loose. Chin up.
Butt out.
Ay, no, Phil. This is too much.
No, just remember, "Kbalcubo."
K-b-a-l-c-u-b-o.
"Koala bears always lose cherries under big
overpasses."
Ay, no! How am I gonna remember all that?!
I gotcha.
Ay, Teddy... Teddy, you're amazing!
Thank you for saving me!
Let me get in there, boys. Excuse me.
Boom!
Okay!
Okay, clearly it's time to talk.
All right, Cam, Cam, you're obviously
upset.
But trust me--
there are no lingering feelings between me
and Teddy.
I don't care about you and Teddy.
I don't like what's lingering between him
and your family.
- What? - Mitchell, look around.
Your family is cheating on me with your
ex-boyfriend.
Cheating--okay, yes. Th-there is a bit more
contact
between them than I realized, but--
Oh, o-oh, yeah. Now this is where we make
Cam
the over-sensitive drama queen.
God forbid we take any action to make things
right for me.
Well, okay, okay. Okay, what do you want
me to do?
Would you like me to ask them to break up
with Teddy?
Is that what you're asking?
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Modern.Family.S04E22
Of course not. I would never ask that.
- That would be insane. - Well, good.
It would be as insane for me to ask that
as it would be sane for you to offer it.
So that is what you're asking.
No, that's what I'm not asking.
But if you decide to do it, I want it to
come from you,
Not me,
because I'm clearly not asking for it.
- Okay, this is nuts. - Is it?
I worked my fingers to the bone
to get these jumpy protestants to love me,
and now I find out they're holding a torch
for the man who came before me?
It's not nuts. It's actually quite painful.
Excuse me, sir? You just won a prize
for setting a rink record on the boxing
machine.
If you wouldn't mind taking a picture
for our wall of fame?
Oh, yeah, sure. Absolutely. Just one
second.
That's exciting.
Mitchell, I know you'll do what's right.
Unless you like seeing me humiliated.
Thank you.
Everybody was staring, Phil.
Well, what if we practice outside where no
one can see us?
Ay, and now I have the nervous burps!
Oh... Claire.
Dad? Wh-what are you doing out here?
Apparently this is the only way we'll get
to talk tonight.
About this job.
Hey, guys.
This sounds really important, dad. Hang on.
Go ahead, Mitchell.
Okay, so listen. This is coming from me.
No one else. But I need you to do something,
- And I don't want you to give me any flack.
- Oh, jeez.
That's flack. I-I think it's a little weird
how you all still hang out with Teddy so
much...

Told you.
And I think it'd be appropriate if maybe
you all,
you know, stopped seeing him.
This is coming from Cam, isn't it?
No, it's not.
Wait a second.
Cam doesn't think we can love him and Teddy
at the same time?
And you just sold Cam out like that?
Wait. What is that?
I'll tell you what it is. It's sad.
Hey, skaters! Not an emergency,
but we do have a small fire in the snack
bar.
We'd like everyone to calmly file outside.
Thanks.
Okay, everyone, the exit's over here.
Come this way, please.
Hey, this way, to the exit.
All right, everybody over here.
- Come on. - You guys, just do this for me.
But... he's all the way over there.
There's no hurry.
We're in a wooden box built in 1970.
- Let's go! - Oh--all right, let's go.
Okay, thank you. That's very nice.
Sweet of you.
Hey, skaters, good news!
Fire's out!
Sorry for the scare.
All right--all right, before you get upset,
this was just about convenience.
Was it?
Or was it a perfect metaphor?
Congratulations, Mitchell.
This is the saddest I've ever been in roller
skates.
Okay, be careful.
I don't want to get hurt, okay?
- No one's gonna get hurt. - Hold on!
Aah! That hurts!
Okay, if we could just...
Son of a Mitchell!
Do not worry one bit.
You are gettin' it!
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【723】-
Modern.Family.S04E22
Let's get away from the cars, huh?
Disgusting.
Claire Pritchett?
- Jeff? - No way!
I haven't seen you since you worked here.
You... you still do.
Yeah, do what you love,
- you never work a day in your life, right?
- Right.
This is perfect.
Some civilian just yakked in the rink.
Can you take over for a minute?
Um... no.
Ah, it's kind of where I make most of my
money.
You know, I hate to shut it down.
Ah, I got a girl pregnant. It's a whole
thing.
- All right. I'll do it for a minute, sure.
- Great.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Okay.
- Oh, hey... - Yeah?
I still think about that kiss.
Oh, god.
Gross.
Mom, I threw up.
Oh, honey, that was you? You're gonna be
okay.
Let me get you something for your tummy.
I'm just so stressed out.
You know that hero essay I have to write?
Well, dad kind of assumed I wrote it about
him...
But I didn't.
And now he wants to read it,
and I don't know what to do.
Don't worry about your father. I am sure
he'll understand.
Claire, I need some ice for Cameron.
And we have to talk about the job.
Unless you've taken back this one.
Dad, I'm with a customer right now.
I'll be with you in just a moment.
Honey, I'll talk to your dad.
You don't think he'll be upset I wrote it
about you?

You wrote it about me?
Mom, you know me and homework.
I didn't give it much thought. What's a
hero?
Someone who's not afraid of anything,
and who's strong-- that's you.
But dad's so great, too.
- Here it comes. - Okay. All right.
You just sit down. Sit down, sweet pea.
Have your drink. You're gonna be fine.
Here goes. Um...
So, dad, the last time we worked together,
- it was tense between us. - What?
- No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was.
You were--you're really hard on me,
and you talk down to me.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Right.
And when I confronted you, like I am doing
now,
you were insensitive, like you are being
now.
And while I really appreciate the
opportunity,
and I do love you very much,
I don't think that working together is a
very good idea.
All right, fine.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm very disappointed.
- We won! - Man, that sucks!
Yeah, totally un-masculating.,
Well, at least you guys look cool when you
play.
Let's play again. This never happened.
Actually, we need to go hang out with our
family for a while.
Really? Now?
Yeah, but we'll be around. We'll see you
guys.
What happened? Did I mess up?
- No, you did great. - So he didn't like
me?
- No, he totally liked you. - Then why'd
we walk away?
This was never about him.
This was about getting you some confidence.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【724】-
Modern.Family.S04E22
Guys will pick up on that. Better guys.
Guys who can lose to a girl
without feeling e-masculated.
Okay, try not to throw this in my face one
day,
but sometimes you're actually really
smart.
Like, smart smart. I hope you know that.
Thanks.
And I'm totally throwing that in your face
one day.
Are you kidding?
Oh, thank you so much. Everything go okay?
No. Actually, I was trapped back here,
my dad and I got in a whole thing.
now he's mad at me.
Whoa, where'd you find that?
I know where you keep the beer, Jeff.
I hate this feeling!
I swear, it started when I was 12 years old
and I got a "C" in social studies.
The way my dad looked at me, you would have
thought
I'd worn a tube top in church.
He knew it crushed me.
He didn't care.
That's why I can't work for him.
He was hard on me then. He's gonna be hard
on me now.
I'm telling you, people don't change.
I've changed.
I don't wanna put up with this stuff.
I am a completely different person than I
was 20 years ago.
All right, kids, that's gonna be $18.50.
Out of $20?
There's your $1.50...
I thought so.
Well, I mean,
do you feel good that you were at least
honest with him?
No. And... Super no.
Because I'm the one who's left with this
awful feeling
every time I disappoint him.
It's not fair.

'cause I'm not the bad guy here.
He needs to know that.
How's that?
- That better? - Yeah, much better.
Thank you, Teddy.
You're fixed. Skate with me.
I think it's a little soon, sweetie.
No. Teddy.
But--oh, sure thing, kiddo.
Hey, lots of ice, no cartwheels for three
days.
- Yeah. - Ready? Come on.
Good guy.
Who--Teddy? Yeah. Yeah, he's the best.
Nuts he can't find anybody, huh?
Gotta be something a little off there.
He definitely did not bring out the best
in Mitchell,
I can tell you that right now.
Oh, really?
Well, you know, not that it matters...
but in what way exactly?
Honestly? When they were together,
Mitchell could be a bit of a pill.
Now, I like Teddy,
but when they broke up, I was actually kinda
glad.
Of course, Mitchell thought that I was
uncomfortable because of the gay thing,
and maybe I was, but...
I really just wanted him to be happy.
Like he is now.
And when you two started up, everyone
thought,
"Well, there it is."
Okay, kids. Couples skate.
Grab someone you love and get out there.
Jay, you can be so...
- I'm not skating with you, Cam. - Yeah.
What about me, dad? You wanna skate with
me?
What qualifies someone as a hero?
Obviously, a hero has to be someone we
respect.
A person we look up to.
A person who is generous of spirit.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【725】-
Modern.Family.S04E22
Who's willing to grow and learn.
So... Dad,
if that offer still stands...
Really? What changed?
A couple of things.
Maybe it's the person you love most in the
world
or the guy who makes the most out of life,
no matter what anyone thinks.
It's cool! No, everybody's laughing at me!
- Keep rolling! This is your chance! - No!
No!
Yeah!
- Phil! - I know!
- For me, though... - Go, dad!
The hero in my family is my family,
because of who we are together.
"This was not the assignment."
I'll tell you who is not my hero.
Mrs. Rita Mcnabb.
Oh, thank you! Thank you!
What is everybody looking at?
Oh, I guess I can tell the story one more
time.
Sure, yeah. Well, I was mad about
something.
I don't even remember what.
I turned. Now at this point,
I'm more animal than I am man.
Strike the punching machine,
and apparently I broke some sort of world
record.
I guess the thing that I'll never forget
is the sound that it made.
It was, like, bells and whistles and
sirens.
It's impossible to describe.
Oh, no!
That was literally the first punch I've
ever thrown!
You are never to see him again.
Yes, I know.

Modern.Family.S04E23
Family fun meeting by the front door, stat!
"Stat" means right now!
Ugh. What is it?
Ignore her. She's been in a bad mood all
day.
And Luke isn't home yet.
Oh. I'm right here.
Where were you?
This house still holds its secrets.
You're probably wondering why I called you
all here.
- Nope. - Well, stop your wondering...
We're not wondering.
and behold.... this wonder!
oh, my god! Seriously?
I sold a home to the one and only Pete
Johnson.
There's only one Pete Johnson?
Only one who's California's top R.V.
dealer.
There's 835 others. Nightmare of a deal to
paper.
Well, and this was his way of saying...
- Thank you. - Of course.
he paid a commission, too, right?
Yes. And he told me I could take Iolene out
anytime.
Yeah, I named her!
Let's take this dirty girl for a spin up
the coast!
- Yes! - Awesome! Pretty sweet, huh?
Yeah!
I can see where this is going.
This summer--you, me, the kids,
Yellowstone National Park.
And that's just the Verona, he offered me
an Amalfi.
An Amalfi, Claire!
That makes the Umbria look like a
Portofino!
Well, they should've called it the Roman,
'cause that's what we're about to be doin'.
I'm really not following you.
Ten days on the road with those kids?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【726】-
Modern.Family.S04E23
Winnebag-no.,
I hate it when Phil does this.
Now I have to be the bad guy
who comes in and squelches his brilliant
idea.
I said no. Get it out of my house.
Fine.
Come on, Jolene.
Fortunately, this time,
I don't have to be the wet blanket,
Because even on just a short spin up the
coast,
Phil will see what I see every day--
The transformation that happens
when our kids are locked in a moving metal
box...
The kraken that is unleashed.
I love my kids very, very much.
- You're poking me. - Yeah, well, I know,
sweetie.
But I don't get these pins just right,
your bun could fall out during your
routine,
and it could mess you up.
Okay, let's test it out.
All right.
Jump.
Good. Spin.
Now give me Beyonce.
Okay, I've done everything I can do.
It's up to you now.
We have a gymnast in our family.
Yeah, Lily goes to gymnastics class.
In one short year,
I've seen her blossom from a little girl
who couldn't do a somersault...
into one who... kind of can.
Yeah, and by that standard, we also have
a black belt,
art prodigy, and prima ballerina in our
family, so...
You know, what we don't have in our family
is two loving, supportive fathers.
I'm just saying, she's 5, you know?
And you never let her forget it.
- Excuse me, is that your little girl out
 Modern.Family.S04E23
there? - It is. In other shocking news,
- And you did her hair? - I did. Phil subscribes to a trampoline magazine.
Do you mind helping my Julie with hers? Going through other people's mail--
Oh, do you guys own a convertible? Keeping it classy, Jay.
- No. - Oh, no judgment. Mom, my backpack isn't in Luke's room.
Yeah, I'll get to work right when Lily's I don't see it in here, either.
done. I don't think it would fit in there.
Not bad. That little leap at the Ay, this was open when I came in.
end--that's new. I was just looking for an aspirin.
She's getting really good. I thought that I heard some noises.
You better bring your "A" Game. So you were snooping?
Oh, my god. Cam, look. Lily's in second Oh, so now it's snooping,
place. 9.2. Wanting to know more about your family
I told you she's a gymnast. by looking through their personal things?
With scores like that, she's gonna make Not just now. Since the invention of
pre-team. things.
Are you serious? Is that one of Claire's brownies?
Pre-team? She could make pre-- what's No, they're delicious. Must be Cam's.
pre-team? - Oh, no. - Don't worry. There's more.
Claire! No! That's where my backpack is.
Phil! Cam drove me and Luke home.
Haley! I must've left it in his car.
Luke! Why are you so scattered lately?
Alex! Aw, he's just nervous because of his poetry
Gloria, we've been through the roster three reading tonight.
times. But don't worry, papi.
They're not home. I am going to be there to support you.
But their cars are here. Where could they I don't want my mom there.
be? I'm exploring some darker themes
Who knows what these people do? I'm not sure she's ready for,
But my backpack is in there, Jay, Poems like "The umbilical noose,"
My poem for my poetry reading. "A jail called mom,"
Calm down. Didn't you back it up on your "Smother nature."
computer? She'll just find some way to make it all
What kind of man writes poetry on a about her.
computer? And a toasty 75 degrees for daughter Haley.
You could've ended that sentence after You see,
"Poetry." the Verona boasts individualized climate
Come in. And no questions. zones, Claire.
My backpack wasn't upstairs. I could literally transport a polar bear
What's that? and an orchid
Postcard from a friend of and not make two trips.
Claire's--Rachel. Dad, I'm freezing. It's, like, 1 degree
"Living it up in Club Med Cozumel." back here.
Looks like that marriage went down the Six minutes in, and it begins.
drain. Here. Take the blanket from the bed.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【727】-

Thanks, Kitten.
Dad, can you change the music?
Can I?
Oh, no. Oh, no, that's just getting louder.
This isn't good. It's not good at all.
Actually, it's kind of perfect.
Right?
The big windows, the classical music.
It's like we're in a movie.
Turn it up, handsome.
You got it!
Obviously, the novelty of the situation was
delaying the inevitable.
But I didn't want to get halfway into a trip
to Yellowstone
before Phil discovered
what malevolent hellspawn we have for
children...
Whom I love very much.
Alex, honey, that's a cute sweater.
Doesn't Haley have one like that?
Oh, it actually is hers.
- I took it from her closet before we left.
- Really?
Ooh. Sorry, girls. Didn't mean to start a
whole thing.
I am so sick of you always looking better
in my clothes.
When did that happen?
You're okay with this?
Oh, yeah. She can wear whatever she wants
After I've had it for six months.
Or I get it automatically if you buy
anything that looks like it.
This just feels right. Huh, team?
Matter of fact, I was thinking
we could all drive up to Yellowstone this
summer.
But I say,
Let's take this beeyotch ocean to ocean!
- That'd be cool! - Awesome!
We're doing it!
Phil, the road!
I don't know what button I just pressed,
But that was amazing.
My backpack's definitely not in there.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【728】-
Modern.Family.S04E23
Well, they're not picking up their phone.
He must've brought it inside.
Sorry, kid, looks like you're out of luck.
Come!
Don't they have a burglar alarm?
Ay, please.
Okay, everybody, split up and search.
Jay, you look in the bedroom.
I'm not looking in their bedroom.
Fine.
Mom, I don't think my backpack is in Cam's
bag.
I was just closing it for him.
I... heard a noise.
Looks like the guys threw a little party.
I noticed.
They brought out the guest soaps.
How long have you been in here?
Hey. This is that bottle of wine
I bought Phil when he started his company.
And Claire's lipstick is on many of these
wineglasses.
Pictionary. They had game night?
But we always go to game night.
Son of a bitch. They snubbed us.
Found it!
There must've been a dozen players.
Pepper was here.
But Pepper loves me.
Okay, she's all set.
I defy you to find a tighter bun in this
gymnasium.
Lot of different ways you could've said
that.
Oh, and good luck on your floor routine,
sweetie.
Not that you need it.
That's Abby.
She's the best in class.
Oh. She's our competition.
I've never wanted to beat a kid so badly.
Are you not hearing these?
No? Okay.
Oh, Lily's on the beam.
I'm nervous about her dismount.
You said that she could stick the landing,
 Modern.Family.S04E23
right? Me? They love me.
Yeah, as long as she breathes, relies on Can we go now? I have a poetry reading
her training, tonight.
and stays in the zone. And speaking of that,
We are talking about her stepping off a - Are you sure you guys really want-- - It
6-inch beam. makes no sense.
And not falling. Right. We're always the life of every party.
I have to admit. Maybe they didn't invite you
Seeing Lily do so well brought out because you're a couple of snoops?
something in me. Okay, Mr. Goody two-shoes.
The pride of being a parent of a child A trait normal parents would value.
who wasn't just participating but Jay, I think you're right about him.
thriving. He's been too good lately for a teenager.
Okay, here comes her dismount. It's not normal.
Stick it Lily. Stick it! I am afraid that the world is going to--
she stuck it! Oh, hell, no. This is too far. Ay.
She stuck it! Look at this.
If no one beat my daughter's score on the Is that supposed to be...
beam, That's us.
She would make pre-team. Not only do we get blown off,
She'd be one of the elite. now they're making fun of us.
Funny thing, pride. Well, I'm just gonna leave them a little
They say it goeth before the... message.
Fall. Fall. As far as I'm concerned,
- Fall. - Mitchell, I can hear you... They can all...
- What? - Rooting for a little girl to fall. Horse mouth! That's a good one!
If I can hear you, other people can hear No, "Horse mouth" Is not an expression.
you. You can't get this?
Yes! Look. Donkey.
I don't know why I said that. I don't--I'm - That's not a donkey. - Look at the ears.
sorry. Okay. Donkey mouth!
Yeah, he didn't mean it. That's a terrible guess.
- I didn't mean it. - No, um, he just got That's a terrible drawing!
caught up. We weren't invited because you stink at
And, uh, you know,we all know this game.
competition makes people do crazy At least I can draw!
things.So... Excuse me. Just need a signature.
Look at this! Her bun fell apart during the Yeah, sure.
floor exercise. Okay.
Her hair got in her eyes and she couldn't Here we go.
even finish! There. Thank you.
You did it on purpose! Yep.
- No! - Daddies! That's not a signature. You drew a cat.
I'm in first place. Thank you.
Yay. That's great. Perfect freaking harmony.
Did you offend them? That's when it hit me.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【729】-

Maybe it's not the cold confines of a moving
vehicle
that brings out the worst in my kids.
Maybe I bring out the worst in them
when there's no fun-lovin' Phil around
to neutralize my toxins.
I was in a full shame spiral.
Aah! A bee!
And then something wonderful happened.
I got it!
- You idiot! - Kill it!
No, don't!
Haven't you heard of colony collapse?
Bees are endangered!
Okay, guys, stand still.
They can't see you if you're not moving.
It's coming near me!
Do I look like a bee?!
No, that was an accident!
Well, so is this!
Everyone remain calm!
I'll just open up the double-tilt swiss
skylight
and the airflow will pull
- the bee out of-- - Aah! There's another
bee now!
We must be near its cave!
Oh, my god! There's so much stupid in here!
All right, I'm pulling this thing over.
Those are the wipers.
Claire, say something!
Kids, stop, please.
Hey, there are daily flights
Yellowstone.
Aah! You ripped my sweater!
My sweater, which you shouldn't even be
wearing!
- Get off of my sweater! - Short layover
in Salt Lake.
Are you really not gonna do anything?
Oh, Phil, you must have known this was gonna
happen.
I know that tone. You're making a point.
It's better that you find out who they are
now
than when you're halfway across the
Modern.Family.S04E23
country.
Well, I guess I'm just a naive boob
who thought we liked each other!
Obviously, it was too much to ask
to think that we could take one magnificent
trip
in a tricked-out, state-of-the-art R.V.
to see the sun dancing off the Pacific.
What a huge ask!
I can't stand the way everyone's starting
at us.
Yeah, I know. It's the way we look at people
who walk with their pet birds.
There she is!
Hey, good luck on your balance beam routine,
sweetie.
- You're gonna do great. - I'll never beat
lily.
Of course you will, because you're a
superstar!
And your daughter's a genius. I am such a
fan. Such a fan.
- Okay, now you're overcompensating. - I
have to!
You saw what a monster I was out there.
This--this is the exact thing I always
hated in my dad,
that ugly macho testosterone drive to win,
and today it has flowered in me.
Well... No, this ends today, Cam.
I am not passing this on to Lily.
Well, it's not all on you. You know,
to I'm beginning to think maybe I did sabotage
Abby's hair.
I didn't spray. I didn't Beyonce.
I basically built a ticking time bun.
Well...
Are you okay?
No.
- My hair hurts. - I'll fix it.
We should find Lily.
Did you see what your daughter just did?
Uh... Lily, did you pull the pins out of
Julie's hair?
Yeah, she fell.
Oh. Okay, um...

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【730】-

I--could I get everyone's attention for
just a moment?
We consider what our daughter just did
to be an embarrassment to the sport of
gymnastics.
I assure you, she did not learn this from
us.
And as far as we are concerned, that is a
sign of weakness...
Not the way a winner behaves, but the way...
- A loser behaves. - A loser behaves.
Come on, Lily. Let's get your grips and
tiger paws.
- You're going to a time-out. - Yeah. A nice
long one.
I made pre-team,
and my daddies get to watch from outside.
- No closer than 100 feet. - But we're
appealing.
Yay, Lily!
Kill the chicken! Chicken fingers!
Pigeon man!
Pigeon man? Pigeon man.
You see, Tony, it's not me.
Would you invite her to game night?
I'm gonna go now.
They're kinda sticklers about the next-day
delivery thing.
Bird in the hand!
There you go.
Any slower, she'd be the U.S. Mail,
am I right?
That's gonna kill at the warehouse.
You see? You are the problem.
Except you cheated. I saw you look at the
paper.
I knew it.
You're no better.
All the screaming and bullying.
The question isn't why you two weren't
invited.
It's why you're ever invited.
And by the way, this isn't even about you.
Treasure... Chest.
Now can we clean this place up and go?
Funny story.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【731】-
Modern.Family.S04E23
My mom and Jay were invited.
Cam gave me the invitation at school,
and I forgot about it.
But how could I tell them right after I'd
shamed them?
I had to cover my tracks.
It's true, Jay. I cheated.
I cheat a little bit every time that we come
to the game night.
I think Mitch saw me the last time,
and that's why they don't want to play with
us anymore.
But why would you do that?
I don't know!
Maybe because I don't want you to think that
I am not smart.
I would never think that.
And besides, it's my fault, anyway.
The kid is right. I'm too competitive.
Lost a game of yahtzee once.
The dice are still on the wall.
Yeah, but at least you're not a cheater.
I feel like such a donkey mouth.
Guys, there's something you should know.
It's trivial pursuit night at mom's church.
I hate for you to miss my poetry reading,
but maybe you could head down there,
work on your sportsmanship,
And you will feel better about yourselves.
Are you sure you're going to be okay without
me there?
Yes, mother. Mother. I'll be in the car.
I get this damn competitive streak from my
old man.
It's a miracle I didn't pass it down to
mitchell.
I love that we can blame our parents.
My mother was the biggest cheater I've ever
known.
And she used to snoop on everything that
we did.
Ay. Jay, look at this.
Our invitation.
They must have forgot to give it to us.
No. I checked this bag when we got here,
- and it wasn't there. - Why are you
 Modern.Family.S04E23
always-- Couple weeks?
'Cause you know I have a problem. Couple days?
This was Manny. Dad's in the middle of a super sad dude hug.
He forgot to give it to us, We really disappointed him.
and then he came and tried to sneak it in Yeah, maybe we should just suck it up
there. and go to Jellystone this summer.
Why wouldn't he just tell us? Wait. That's why dad got this thing?
Maybe because he doesn't want us to go to I-I can't go on a trip this summer.
the reading. - Why? - I've...
That's why he was talking about the church - I've got stuff. - Huh? No. What stuff?
and the game. - I don't want to talk about it. - Luke.
He was working us. Summer school. I'm failing pre-algebra.
Guess he's not too much of a goody - Why didn't you say something? - I don't
two-shoes. know.
No. He's a lying, scheming little sneak. I feel stupid.
That's my son. You know what it's like to follow her?
Our son. All the teachers look at me
I've never seen dad freak out like that and think that I'm some kind of irrational
before. remainder.
I feel terrible. - Did I use that right? - No.
Oh, it's partly my fault. Dang it.
I goaded you guys into a fight to prove a But why didn't you ask me? I would've
point. tutored you.
Why do I always have to win? I tried, but you were always off in your
How did I get this way? room
That you? or some corner of the house on the phone.
Yeah. Yeah, who have you been talking to so much
- You? - Yep. lately?
How many kids in yours? - Aaron? - Who's Aaron?
Felt like 30. Actually, it's two boys-- Aaron and Alex.
I got four. - Oh, two boys. - A boy named Alex likes
But I'm thinking of emancipating two of you?
them early. Yeah, I know. It's weird.
Tell me one of you has cigarettes or a But my friend Andi with an "I"-- she's a
flask. girl--
Sorry, buddy. - Also liked Alex. - The boy?
I've been through every state-- Yes, the boy. I don't refer to myself in
Depressed, catatonic, Arkansas. the third person.
I considered faking my own death in Bryce - I thought Aaron was the third person. -
Canyon National Park. No.
Have you been? Not to be missed. Anyway, I thought I was cool juggling two
I'm gonna miss it. I'm missing every bit boys at once,
of it. But...
I'm not spending another second in that They both ended up dumping me on the same
rolling asylum. day.
Poor guy. How long you been on the road? sweetie, that's awful.

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【732】-
 Modern.Family.S04E23
How did I not know this was happening? What is this?!
You've been really busy lately, - So our trip's back on? - We're in if
like with flipping that house. Jolene's in.
And plus I didn't really want to talk about - Come on. Do it! - Yeah!
it, Why can't I get this?
because it's kind of embarrassing. You just gotta focus. Clear your mind.
Not as embarrassing as failing a class that Loosen up. Get in the zone. You know this.
starts with "Pre." Okay, we're gonna walk through this
- Baby... - You guys wanna feel better? together,
I auditioned to be a Laker girl this step by step.
morning. Five, six, seven, eight...
- What? You did? - No way. One, two, three, four,
I took all those dance classes when I was - Five and six, seven and eight... - 56.1
younger, plus or minus 8.25.
and, I don't know. I've been trying to - That's the first one. - One, two, three,
figure out four,
what I want to do with my life, - Five, six, two, five-- - Okay, number 2--
So I saw online that there were open X plus 2 over 4
tryouts, - equals 3 plus 3-- - Minus-- damn it,
- so I went down there. - And? Alex, do you mind?
I'm the new head Laker girl, mom. We're doing something important here.
It was a disaster. I was the worst one Okay.
there. Once more. From the tippy, like nobody's
I couldn't even get through my routine. watching.
You have a routine? Five, six, seven, eight. One two...
Pat, Heath, you guys have given me the
courage to go back in there,
stand up to my wife,
and tell her she was right all along.
Happy trails, Phil.
Heath?
I might just stay here a while.
Phil. Phil, I have to show you something.
Don't gloat. I get it.
I keep trying to push this family closer
together,
- but they need their space. - No, no, no.
We have too much space.
Being in trapped in one room has forced us
to actually talk to one another,
and I have found out some incredible things
about our kids.
Wait. Incredible good?
You tell me.
Oh, my god.
Dream come true! I don't even need context!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【733】-

Modern.Family.S04E24
We got some bad news yesterday.
Phil's mom died.
It wasn't unexpected.
He was with her.
And she went very peacefully and asleep.
She and I had a special connection.
We all did.
But mostly me.
She said I was just like her.
What? Is she weirdly competitive too?
The whole family is going down to Florida
tomorrow
to be with Phil for the service.
Such a relieve.
I can feel how much he needs me right now.
There they are.
Hey, guys.
Oh, you brought my nap pillow.
I missed you so much.
Phil, I'm so sorry.
Thanks.
Grace was such a kind and whimsical soul.
The different animals she put antlers on
for christmas cards--
Inspired.
Not a single one was photoshopped.
Not even the alligator?
Cost her the tip of her pinkie,
but she had no regrets.
I'm so glad you guys are here.
I hope it wasn't too hard to get away from
work.
No. Please, anything for family.
Anything to get me out of that office.
It's all boring paperwork and endless
meetings.
Honestly, this funeral could not have come
at a better time.
Aw, that's sweet. You should put that on
the flowers.
Gloria, you must be so hot in that.
I am in mourning.
In Columbia, we take death very seriously.
Where don't they?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【734】-
Modern.Family.S04E24
Can we lose the veil?
Nobody's looking for you, Gloria.
Who is Gloria?
I am a wanted woman in Florida.
I used to live there, and when I left,
my roommate made our apartment into a house
of prostitution,
and my name was still on the lease.
It's like a traffic ticket.
You walk into court, pay a fine, it's done.
Quick and easy.
Yes, that was the name of the whorehouse.
Mitchell, can you go with her to court?
She's gonna need some sort of lawyer.
Uh, you know, Jay, Mitchell is so burnt out
right now.
He is in desperate need of a break.
Bench warrants are a no-brainer. And, I
mean, come on.
Does Gloria really look like the kind of
woman
who would run a brothel?
- Yeah, I better go with her. - You should
go.
Yeah.
There they are!
Oh, you look beautiful. Hi, claire.
How are you holding on, hmm?
Oh, well, you know...
We're getting through it. Huh, dad?
Ah. I'm doing okay. A little trouble
sleeping.
I'm so used to her snoring,
I may have to borrow the neighbor's
bulldog.
Morning, Charlotte!
This is my family from California!
I can tell. They all look like movie stars.
Ah. Oh, thank you.
That's nuts. I know that woman,
but I have no idea from where.
Yeah. This place is full of stories like
that.
Good morning, Mr. Dunphy, visitors.
Please, Shelley, call me Frank.
No, sir.

That might be the way they do things at
Whistling Pines,
But we run a tight ship here at Leisure
Park.
As per your request, I have reserved
the lakeside promenade this evening for one
hour,
Beginning at 5:00 p.m., for your memorial
service.
May I remind you that there's no smoking
on the grounds,
no glass near the lake, no feeding the
ducks?
And I'm sorry for your loss.
- Thank you. - No feeding the ducks.
What are you looking at me for?
I love it here--
manicured lawns,
planned activities, early dinners.
What more does a kid need?
Oh, yeah. And everyone's so polite and
considerate--
Nothing like the constant catfights in my
circle,
where every week,
somebody's mad at somebody for god knows
who what,
and I'm always thrown into the middle.
You seem tense. You know, they have a steam
room.
Wanna join me for a schvitz?
Please, it's Florida.
If I wanna sweat more, I'll just move my
arms.
You go have fun.
Hey, you.
Are you liking that book?
Well, it's not the worst thing I've picked
up at an airport,
but close.
What is this,
a book club or a Miss America Pageant?
We're looking for our next book.
Oh, what are you reading now?
"Tempted by her innocent kiss."
I-I'm sure you don't know it.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【735】-
Modern.Family.S04E24
Oh, please. Devon Carter was Ashley's
first,
she wants their passion to last,
but her hopes of true love are crushed when
she finds out
their marriage is just another one of
daddy's business deals.
I'm gay.
Oh! My grandson is gay.
His name is Daniel Schulman. Uh, do you know
him?
Oh! Is he about this tall, dark hair,
circumcised?
Terrible.
Don't be nervous, all right?
I'll explain your situation.
We'll have you out of here in no time.
30 days in county jail.
- What? - Ooh, she's tough.
Next.
Anita Menchaca. Petty theft.
Mister, you're a lawyer?
Help me, please.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm her lawyer.
No, no, help her, so this will go faster.
And she reminds me of my abuela,
with her head scarf and her petty theft
charges.
Here, your honor.
I'm mitchell pritchett, attorney to miss
Manchego.
- Menchaca. - Ah, yeah...
Are you ready to enter a plea?
Absolutely.
I see no reason why this matter should
take up any more of the court's valuable
time.
Not guilty, your honor.
Why?
Gonna need a minute.
Look what my dad just gave me.
Please tell me that's not your mom.
No, no. She picked out her own urn.
My dad keeps saying
it's a size too small but she squeezed into
it.

No, this is stuff she left for the kids.
- Can I... open it? - Yeah.
Wow. There's a note for you.
I can't read it.
- Okay. - Would you?
All right.
"Dear phil,
you've always been the most wonderful son,
and now I need you to do one last thing for
me."
Oh, no!
She's gonna ask me to throw her ashes in
the pope's face.
"Don't say anything to your father
because he'll just resist,
but there's a woman named Annie Fitzsimmons
who lives a few streets over.
We don't know her very well, but I've always
admired her,
and I think she'd be perfect for your dad.
So before you go home,
I want you to fix him up with her."
That is crazy!
"I know this sounds crazy,
but single men are in short supply here.
And a lot of scheming harpies will swoop
in
before your father knows what hit him.
I love Frank,
but he'll follow anything with a
casserole."
I don't believe this.
It's too soon,
and my dad's not a cartoon bear.
He's perfectly capable of making
intelligent decisions.
Hey, guys? I made cookies.
Oh, good. I thought that was a neighbor.
Hey, kids, your grandma left each of you
something.
Cool! Rockports!
It's just the box.
oh, my god. There's a letter.
I don't know if I'm ready for this.
Although if grandma wrote it,
she must have sensed I was ready.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【736】-
Modern.Family.S04E24
Because you had such a bond?
You felt it, too?
Haley, why don't you tell us what yours
says?
Well, it's so sweet.
It's about how beautiful I am inside and--
Score! Jewelry
Check it out!
Oh, look at that.
Your grandma loved pocket watches.
Aw! She said they made a man look dignified.
Is this chain in case you swallow it?
No, but suddenly I'm glad it's there.
- A lighter? - Huh. What does the note say?
"This is a lighter."
I don't understand.
How much clearer could she have been?
I wouldn't read too much into it.
Your grandma loved you very much.
She just did a couple of bizarre things
towards the end.
Here, Alex, I can help you out with that.
You are getting very sleepy.
A crappy old lighter is not a sucky gift.
Honey, hey, hey. So you're not gonna do what
your mom asked?
Marry off my dad to a complete stranger
on the day of her funeral? I think not.
It was her last wish.
When my dad is ready,
he gets to pick his own girlfriend.
That's the big upside to your wife dying.
Also, not having to think before you speak.
Yeah.
Your honor, it all boils down to this.
The motel owes Miss Menchengo--
- Menchaca. - Damn it. Every time.
more in wages than she ever could've taken
in soaps and tiny shampoos.
Fine. Case dismissed.
Yes!
Oh! Gracias! Muchas gracias!
- De nada. De nada. - Muchas gracias.
Did you see that? I won!
- I-I can't believe it! - Yeah.
It scares me that winning is such a surprise
 Modern.Family.S04E24
for you. One dot.
Next! Matthew Plonsker. Parking Two bam.
violations. I have mahj!
I thought I'd be a little rusty, but - Hee hee! - Again?!
apparently not. Wow, you're really on some streak, Edith.
Oh! Really? Sweet. Luck of the tiles.
Yes! Go make your mistakes with him. Anyone else want some punch?
I don't want to go to jail for prostitution. Yeah. I'll join you.
Like you could afford me. You are very good.
It seems to me it wasn't only the meter Where'd a farm boy like you learn to play
that was broken that fateful afternoon. mahjong?
Nay! Oh, well, one summer,
It was the entire criminal justice system. I worked at the Central Missouri b'nai
Therefore I submit to you, b'rith.,
the only "Influence" my client was under It's the nation's smallest chapter.
that night Listen, Marilyn,
was his love of boating. I don't mean to stir things up,
Shame! But I just saw Edith take the winning tile
I just don't get it. Why would she give me out of her jacket pocket.
a lighter? I knew it!
Maybe she wants you to burn all your Nobody's that good!
clothes. Listen, I'm as shocked as you are.
Is it possible we didn't have the It just doesn't seem like Edith.
connection I thought we did? Yeah, well, it goes to show, you think you
I don't know. You heard dad. know someone...
She was on all that medication towards the What happened to all the cookies?
end. Oh, well, you know I hate to stir things
People do weird things when they're on up...
drugs. - Excuse me. - Yes?
When Dylan was on vicodin after his root Jay Pritchett.
canal, Frank Dunphy's son is married to my
he bought the complete DVD set of "Dr. Quinn daughter.
Medicine Woman." Oh, I'm so sorry.
Get going, ladies. Ah, he grows on you.
The pool's for residents only. Oh, you're talking about the death. Thank
Oh, okay. Sorry. We'll leave. you.
Uh, no, we won't. There's nobody here. You look very familiar to me. Did you ever
- Haley! - Why can't we use the pool? live in Ohio?
Because those are the rules. No. I'm from Pensacola.
Are we gonna have a problem here? And then it hit me.
You don't scare me. I've been in real jail. I had done my basic training in Pensacola.
Oh, you two are pretty smart, aren't you? She was my first.
No. Only she is. I'll never forget her-- Charlotte
North. somebody.
Flowers. I was 18, and she was 31.
Red. And we fell pretty hard for each other.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【737】-
 Modern.Family.S04E24
I always felt bad I never called her This thing you dread in the back of your
when I got back from Vietnam. mind
Especially because by then I had, you suddenly becomes real.
know... I know.
learned a few things. I feel better having you here, though.
I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me. Oh, I'm always here for you.
My memory isn't what it used to be. Look at that house.
I was in the navy. Jay Pritchett. That is a cute house.
Little more up here, I wonder who lives there.
little less down here. I don't know.
I'm sure you're a very nice man, Claire, what are you doing?
but I-I think you may have mistaken me for I love this house.
someone else. I bet you anything I would love whoever
I was shipping off to vietnam. lives here.
You had the ass of a young Ann Margret. Wait a minute.
Yeah, that was me. That lady from my mom's letter lives
Grandma looks so happy here. here,doesn't she?
Yeah. We were pretty hammered. Annie Fitzsimmons.
That was last 4th of July-- grandma's Phil, listen to me.
favorite holiday. You may have your reasons for not wanting
The Plimptons had a barbecue, to do this,
and Gram and I got a little tipsy on ginger but your mother was a very wise woman.
margaritas. She believed that whoever is behind that
We came home for a catnap door
and slept right through the big fireworks would make your father happy for the rest
show. of his life.
First one she ever missed. Yeah. What can I do for you?
Boy, was she mad. She's perfect.
I made it up to her I thought Annie Fitzsimmons lived here.
with a little fireworks show of our own She does. Annie, honey!
later. There's people here to see ya!
Grandpa! - Hi. - Hi.
A couple of glow sticks and a slingshot in Can I help you?
the backyard. We're selling vacuum cleaners.
Which led to some pretty memorable That is strange.
lovemaking. I know.
Not to change the subject, Because just this morning, my vacuum
but I don't really get the gift grandma left cleaner broke.
me. That's on me. I shed like a collie.
Well, didn't she explain it in the note? Let's see what you got.
No. The note's four words. Yes, Claire, let's see what you got.
You know it opens, right? I didn't bring it.
It does? - You didn't bring it? - No.
Sure. Look, it's Florida. Everything You had it when we left the vacuum cleaner
sticks together. office.
It's all so weird. I guess it's fair to say you've made a huge

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【738】-

mistake.
No. Say it.
I'm sorry to do that. It's part of the
training.
I've made a huge mistake.
I don't think she's gonna work out.
- That's mahj again! - Oh! Well, shocker.
- That's it. You're cheating. - I am not.
Oh, please! You've stashed more tiles
than Marilyn has cookies!
O-okay. Uh, let's just take a breath.
Who cares about tiles or cookies
Or whatever Hattie's slipping into her
coffee?
I knew you were drinking again!
That's how she lost her license.
You shut your traps!
- Drop dead! - Screw you!
- Yeah, you, too! Ladies.
- And you! - Ladies.
Stop it! You--stop it.
You have been friends for 20 years.
What on earth has gotten into you all?
Why does drama keep following me everywhere
I go?
It just keeps popping up out of nowhere.
like Crispin's hair plugs.
And so we went to your apartment.
It's still embarrassing.
I told you I had never been with a woman.
And you took me by the hand and you led me
into the bedroom.
You were so sweet and beautiful.
I thought I'd gone to heaven.
- Jay pritchett. - Yes! Yes!
I remember that.
You were so handsome.
I don't know about that.
I mean, cute, maybe.
I--people talk about my eyes.
But I always regretted not getting in touch
with you when I got back,
Because you had given me something
that I cherished for almost 50 years.
You gave me something, too.
I did?
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【739】-
Modern.Family.S04E24
You wait right there.
I'm down there for a funeral--
It's such a sad event--
And I end up finding something that I
thought was lost forever.
This beautiful moment
that meant so much to both of us,
set against the backdrop of fighting
commies.
There's your movie.
I remember exactly where I was when you gave
it to me.
You said, "Wear this bec--"
No, no. This isn't mine.
And I never went to Jefferson High.
Oh. My mistake.
Here it is.
- You said, "Pin this--" - No, no. N-no.
Never got a medal.
And, uh...
This is the wrong branch of service.
Of course.
These are th--
Never wrote.
Why don't you look through here?
Turns out she sent more men off to war,
than Lyndon Johnson.
Well, we're here.
You wanna try to sell my dad a vacuum?
Tease me all you want.
I am glad that we at least tried.
I know you mean well, but he's gonna be fine
on his own.
So funny.
Ooh! Here. Try mine, Frank.
I bet it's delicious.
If your taste buds are dead.
Dead? Real sensitive, Myra.
The woman's not even cold...
unlike your eggplant parm.
What is going on?
Oh, it's a feeding frenzy. They're all over
him.
They're practically measuring the windows
for new drapes.
It's disgusting.

I must get this recipe, Myra.
Oh, sure.
You want the recipe? It's thaw, heat, and
serve.
My mom was right. They're gonna eat him
alive.
Do you think we can break up
Annie fitzsimmons and her boyfriend?
Boyfriend?
Oh, you mean Marv? Oh, that's hilarious.
Marv's her brother, visiting from Pompano.
he's here for the week,
Slept with half the women in this place.
She's single? This is fantastic.
Cam, how do you know that?
This place is lousy with gossips.
Next. Gloria Delgado?
I'm here!
Conspiring to promote prostitution. How do
you plead?
-Not guilty, your honor. - Oh, good. It's
you.
Your Majesty, I didn't do anything wrong.
But I will say that I am guilty
if I can just pay the fine and go home.
No, you won't.
You're innocent, and I can prove it.
Your honor, this document here shows
that my client was a resident of California
at the time.
And these canceled checks prove
that she was legally subletting the
apartment in question.
I might be a simple man, but I do know one
thing...
if a dog don't bark--
Okay, I can't listen to him anymore.
Case dismissed. Court adjourned.
Gracias, Mitchell! You're wonderful!
You know what? We got lucky
because I had no ending to that dog thing.
If you don't have anything to do next week,
maybe you can go with me to Texas.
Hello again.
Oh, no. You're alone.
Did you fire that nice girl?
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【740】-
Modern.Family.S04E24
No. She's not a nice girl. She's my wife.
And we don't sell vacuums.
Thank god. You'd starve.
I-I-I'm actually Phil Dunphy.
I-I'm Frank and Grace Dunphy's son.
Oh, I heard about your mom. I'm--I'm so
sorry.
Thank you.
I only met her a few times,
but she seemed like a lovely woman.
but I'm still confused.
Well, this probably won't help, but, um...
Her last request was for me to fix you up
with my dad.
Oh, my.
Yeah. I really wish I sold vacuums.
So earlier...
We were thrown when your brother answered
the door.
We thought he was your boyfriend.
I don't know what to say.
Really? This is such a-a normal request I'm
making.
Please, by the way, don't feel pressured
at all.
My dad doesn't even know about this.
I-I just--I had to tell you. It's what she
wanted.
She was always doing crazy stuff like
this...
going out of her way to take care of us.
I coughed on the phone once,
and she overnighted me soup.
When I wanted to learn how to ski, she knit
me a sweater.
When I wanted to be a marine biologist,
she knit me a sweater with a whale on it.
Who does that?
That's just the kind of person she is.
Was.
Oh, sweetie.
You're a good son.
She was right. You are very nice.
It's a beautiful service.
It really makes you think about how you
wanna live your life.
 Modern.Family.S04E24
I wanna quit my job and get back into the place.
courtroom. Well, I guess we better mosey.
What?
Just--just don't say anything to anyone.
Well, who am I gonna tell?
Thank you, Mel.
That was beautiful.
Um, before we say good night,
my daughter Alex would like to pay tribute.
Thanks, sweetie.
My grandmother and I had a very special
bond.
Seriously? Again?
This may not make sense to everyone,
but I'm pretty sure she would've loved it.
"This is a lighter.
It belonged to my favorite actor, Paul
Newman.
One day, he came into the restaurant where
I was waitressing
and accidentally left it behind.
For the first time in my life,
I did something I wasn't supposed to
and slipped it into my pocket.
One of the customers saw
and said, 'don't worry. Your secret's safe
with me.'
That customer turned out to be the love of
my life,
your grandfather.
So, my Alex, who I love so dearly,
who is probably too much like me for her
own good,
every once in a while,
don't be afraid to break the rules.
You never know what can happen."
How 'bout this weather?
Yep. They say it's supposed to rain.
We need it.
Muriel.
Are you two packed up and ready to go?
Yep.
Where does the time go?
Darned if I know.
Everyone's always in such a hurry.
And why? We're all gonna end up in the same

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【741】-
 Modern.Family.S05E01
it's legal for a man to marry another man!
Modern.Family.S05E01 Ew. He threw up.
What's all this? I said one suitcase. He just needs some time to get used to the
I need choices, Jay. idea, honey.
Colombia's not one of your more formal It's so great, Cam.
nations. Yeah, I'm happy for you guys.
The guy on their money is sitting in a lawn Gloria, Manny needs his birth certificate
chair. to re-enter the country.
Ay. I cannot believe that my little baby's Any idea where it is?
leaving me. I don't know.
You know, I left the glass doors open Oh, that's right. He leaves today. You must
downstairs. be a wreck.
So right now, your actual baby may be She's not a wreck. She's a rock.
leaving you. Now, I looked, and it's not in the safe.
One robe. This one had her first sleepover last week.
I guess we know what everyone I just had to tough my way through it.
will be talking about my second morning He picked me up in the dark.
there. I can't find that birth certificate
Manny is visiting Gloria's family for about anywhere, Jay.
a month, I hope. Maybe it's a sign and --
I just gotta get him on a plane before It's a sign we need a refresher meeting
Gloria has a meltdown and changes her mind. on what goes in the safe.
'Cause if he doesn't go to Colombia, Here's a preview -- no shoes.
Colombia comes to me. Look, I looked online,
It happended before. and we can get a copy if we go to the
Oh, my god. courthouse.
- Oh, my god! - What?! That's what we're gonna do. In the car.
Oh! It's mitchell. We won. We'll be back in an hour.
Ay, that's great! What we won? Hey, Cam. Congratulations. Go, gay
It's fantastic. We've waited so long. marriage.
What did we won?! He did it again.
The supreme court ruling. Gay marriage is Ay, si?
legal. Okay. Well...
Ay! Congratulations! So tell me, Cam.
Thanks, Gloria. How does it work when it is between two men?
Can I talk to Cam? Well, I don't really feel comfortable
Uh, yes. Hold on. talking about that... in front of Lily.
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it's Mitchell. I know how that works.
Hi. Hey. I rented the wrong movie once.
I gotta go. But can you believe this finally Did you see "Glen, Garry, Glenn, and Ross"?
happened? Uh, no.
I know. It's amazing. We'll celebrate - Why don't you go play? - What I mean is,
tonight. who proposes to who?
- I love you. - Celebrate what? I don't know. We've talked about it, if it
Oh. Well, Jay, hold on to your hat. ever became legal.
But as of today in California, Okay, and now it is. So are you going to

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【742】-

do it today?
Well, it just happened.
I haven't really had...
Oh, you have to do it today.
Every couple deserve a beautiful proposal
story.
Well, I have always adored my mom and dad's
story.
He plowed "Will you marry me?" into a snowy
field
right outside of her window.
And then he tried to re-create it
for their 25th wedding anniversary.
But there was no snow, so he burned it into
a cornfield.
Bad idea.
You know, but mama did get a second ring
out of it
with the F.E.M.A. money.
Ay, I wish I also had a romantic story.
One day, we were watching tv before dinner,
and Jay says, "Manny, hand me that thing."
And Manny gives him the ring.
I mean, I was very happy, of course,
but it is not the best story.
At least Javier was on top of a dolphin.
Soldiers talk about that moment when they
shut off,
when the war finally wins.
- Get down! - Shut up!
I can't see the tv!
Turn the fan on!
Oh, stop yelling! My head's going to
explode!
For me, that moment is
four days into summer vacation.
Hey, honey. What's up?
Do you remember when summer meant fireflies
and cutoff shorts and ice-cream trucks?
Well, one out of three.
We'll get our time. They're all going away
at some point, right?
Yeah, Haley's got her beach trip,
and Alex is doing Habitat for Humanity,
and Luke has camp.
If I remember,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【743】-
Modern.Family.S05E01
I think we have six hours totally kid-free
on...
oh, the 14th.
Hey, if we moved Alex's flight,
we could have, like, 10 or 12 hours.
Dream bigger, hot pants.
Step aside.
Sometimes I don't know if I love how much
I fear Claire,
or fear how much I love her.
22nd to the 8th for Alex,
Luke to the 14th,
Haley gets a day there.
- Come on. - That's it, beautiful mind.
Harness that crazy into something
positive.
Shh! If I can get Alex to move her Habitat
for Humanity
from Oklahoma to Sacramento
and Luke to move his camp session,
they will both overlap with Haley's
vacation,
and I just bought us seven kid-free days.
- Witchcraft! - Yes.
I've outdone myself, Gloria.
I booked the restaurant from our first
date,
the same table overlooking the ocean,
and I'll do it at sunset,
which I've recently discovered is my ideal
lighting.
That's so romantic.
I know! Isn't it?
Oh, okay. Oh, that's Mitchell.
Gotta go.
Oh, don't let him hear the excitement in
your voice.
You're right. You're right.
- What? - I'm at that coffee shop on 3rd,
and I forgot my wallet.
Can you come bail me out?
Ugh. Isn't this convenient?
It actually was. I was only two blocks away.
But when I got there, I realized it was all
a ploy
so he could propose.

But it was so sweet,
I just decided to ditch my plans and let
him do it.
Mitchell, I'm so sorry,
But there is a massive pileup on the 405,
and, well, I have to go pick up Lily.
And maybe you could just call Claire or
something?
Cam, Cam, I got, like, 50 cents to my name.
Have you decided on a tea?
Do they all cost the same?
Yeah.
Look at that line.
Probably everybody getting their gay
marriage license.
I think it's just called a marriage
license.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe we should go home and forget about
it.
What?
I've been reading up on some of those
tropical diseases --
Malaria, yellow fever, rabies.
I'm high risk, Jay.
I'm a big hand shaker.
You're fine. You've had all your shots.
And that Paco Rabanne will scare away any
mosquitoes.
Jay, I'm scared.
I'm not sure I want to go through with it.
We didn't drive all the way down here for
that piece of paper
for you to get cold feet at the last second.
And what happened, anyway?
You've been looking forward to this day for
months.
I know. But maybe we should wait until next
year.
I'm still kind of young to be doing this.
We're not waiting.
I already paid for you, and your mother
signed off.
This is happening.
Great day, huh?
- Hello! - Oh, thank god.
Modern.Family.S05E01
I've had so many cups of tea,
they gave me my own one of these.
Ohh. Here you go.
So congratulations on the whole marriage
thing.
- How amazing is that, right? - Yeah.
We gonna hear some big gay wedding bells
soon?
Ah, well, just wedding bells.
Yeah. Yeah, of course. We've always talked
about it.
But, you know,
it's just -- just a matter of finding the
right timing.
And then there -- there's a couple of other
factors --
the tax implications and estate planning.
Oh, stop. I'm swooning.
I'm just being practical.
You're the same way.
You -- you told Phil to take back your
engagement ring
and buy you a washer/dryer.
Well, don't put this back on me. Come on.
What is Cam's biggest complaint about you?
You're not romantic.
This is your opportunity.
Mitchell, you should go home tonight
and surprise him with a big, splashy
proposal.
He would really like it if I proposed to
him.
I guess I could stop after work and pick
up a card.
- And... - Oh, my god. You're hopeless.
- I know. - Mitchell, okay.
- This is what you do. - Oh, boy.
It really should be your own idea, though.
No! Come on, come on. I need help. Please?
Fine. Okay.
Tonight, you cook him his favorite meal.
You open the best bottle of wine.
And just as the two of you are sitting down
to enjoy it,
you break up with him.
What? Why?

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【744】-

Because then, as he is at his lowest,
you pop the question.
He goes from agony to ecstasy!
It's so romantic.
You're kidding, right?
More traditional? Okay.
All right. You look into his eyes...
And you say, "I saw a doctor.
He found a small dark mass."
What are you?
And then just as he begins to cry,
you pull out a black box with a ring in it.
There's your small dark mass!
It's genius!
Y-you're a disaster.
You could go the disaster route, too.
Did you ever hear how I told Phil we were
gonna have Luke?
I said, "Thousands of children die every
day..."
Dad?
I'm sorry. Was I being proud of you too
loud?
What are you doing?
Going off to habitat, helping all those
people.
Honey, I'm speechless.
Thanks. I just thought it was --
But are we sure about Oklahoma?
There's so many needy people right up in
Sacramento.
And it's driving distance.
I already signed up for my work detail,
and I've been e-mailing with my tentmate.
Yeah. No, you're right.
I guess it's just...
No.
Never mind.
What is it?
No, it's stupid.
I've just never been so far away
from my baby girl before.
Not now, waterworks. Not now.
Oh, daddy.
You okay, dad?
Oh, hey, buddy. Never been better.
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You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna miss that when you go off to camp
on the 14th.
Little Wiffle golf?
Wait. I cant't go to camp on the 14th.
I have to go when Carly's going.
Who's Carly?
She's this girl I like, and she's here right
now.
Well, all the more reason to change camp
sessions.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's
foolproof.
Not this fool. Forget it.
What about all the new girls you're gonna
meet?
You're only 14.
Do you really want to be tied down?
Yes!
Oh, Luke, watch. I-I got it. Okay.
Okay.
Nice!
Oh, hi, Mr. Dunphy.
Sorry we moved the furniture around.
I was showing Luke
the flip I did at tumbling sectionals.
Oh, no. That's my mom.
But I can leave you guys this old movie I
brought over.
It's called "Dirty Dancing."
Never let her go.
Hey, Carly's mom. Phil Dunphy.
Big fan of your daughter.
- Thank you. - Get off me!
So, yeah, heads up. Luke's got to change
his camp session.
- You guys may want to do the same. - No.
My husband and I have been working the white
board all week,
and we just bought three days away from
that.
- It wasn't even me! - Bank it!
Carly!
Okay, Manny, remember, as soon as you land,
watch out for Malaria.
Why? I got a shot for that.

Can we hurry this up?
No, I'm talking about your cousin Malaria.
She's coming to pick you up, but she might
have Rubella.
- What? - That's her daughter.
But make room in the car
because she could have diphtheria.
Who's diphtheria?
Ay, Manny, diphtheria is a disease.
That's why I want you to be apart from her
in the car.
Okay, let's go. Gloria, better say goodbye
here.
He's got to hurry to get through security.
- But there's no line. - For now.
A senior tour bus just pulled up.
You know how much private wanding that is?
Half their skeletons are metal.
Ay, Manny, please. Call me as soon as you
land.
- I'll miss you. - And we're walking.
I love you!
- Wait. - No. Up!
I forgot to give mom this card I wrote.
Uh, no, no, no. I'll handle it.
Safe trip, buddy. Safe trip.
We're out of here.
No, let's wait until he gets to the top.
Adios, mi amor!
Who wants ice cream? Huh?
What if he never comes back?
Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and
doesn't come back.
I did.
Hey, honey.
I've been mulling over your Sacramento
decision.
It wasn't exactly my --
Of course I want my baby girl close,
but I got to get used to you leaving.
Because college -- and knowing you, a great
college --
is right around the corner.
Am I right?
Now, habitat will look good on an
application,
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【746】-
Modern.Family.S05E01
but does Sacramento really move the needle?
I have another place in mind.
Little hint -- it starts with an "El."
El Salvador? Are you serious?
They have an unstable government
and -- and earthquakes.
Boats. Looks like there's a h-hill.
I'm just saying, you don't push yourself
at this stage,
you wind up at a second-tier college.
Soon you've lost all your ambition.
You're just drifting through life,
hoping someone offers you an "M-r-s"
Degree.
Is that who you want to be?
Hey, princess. Second breakfast?
Fun.
So, big beach trip coming up, huh?
Yeah.
Can't get better than late July,
- unless it's early Aug... - Save it, dad.
I know you and mom want the house to
yourselves.
Nope.
I'm the last piece of the puzzle, right?
What's it worth to you?
Fine.
How about I pay for gas and two dinners?
Mnh-mnh. Gas,
All dinners, groceries, two new bathing
suits,
- a boogie board, one of those... - Are you
crazy?
- No. I'm also not done. - Yes, you are done.
You know why?
You know another way this shakes out?
You don't go.
That's right. Overplay your hand, I pull
the plug,
you blow your last chance for a good time
with your friends.
Word gets out that you're not cool.
Then school starts.
You end up with your nose in a book all year.
No friends, no dates,
not caring how you look.

Is that who you want to be?
Turns out Mitchell really had forgotten his
wallet,
so proposing wasn't even on his radar.
My plan was bulletproof.
He was gonna be as blindsided
as the fattest hog on Founder's Day,
And I was...
Pretty darn proud of myself.
I had the ideal proposal.
Cam once told me that all he wanted
was someone to sit in a rocking chair and
grow old with.
So while we're at dinner,
Claire is setting up two rocking chairs
next to the fireplace, with a bottle of
champagne.
Ohh. He is going to...
Squeal like a Berkshire white
in a four-man pig toss.
Gosh durn it, I miss Founder's Day.
This is a little bit fancy for just a quick
bite.
Well, who knows if they can even get us in?
Let me check.
Reservation for Tucker.
Is everything set up with the table?
Yeah.
The restaurant where we had our first date,
the sunset lighting that Cam loves...
He was going to propose.
I-I-I was so touched,
but at the same time, he was ruining the
one chance I had
for romantic redemption.
Oh, I'm feeling really queasy, Cam.
No, no, no. You'll be okay once we sit down.
I think I need to go home. Sorry.
Oh! S-- excuse me. Sorry.
No, no, no. We'll get you some ginger ale,
some crackers.
Mnh-mnh. I'm -- I got to run to the
restroom.
You -- you grab the car.
Well, you'll feel better after you throw
up.
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Okay, new plan. We're coming back early.
Is everything set up?
You said two hours. We haven't even left
yet.
- Well, hurry! - Just stall.
Tell him that... Haley had a hemorrhage,
and you're her blood type,
- so you... - I'm not doing that, you ghoul.
Just get back to the house and --
- Gloria. - Cam, how did it go?
- Did he... - It didn't happen.
I have to go with the backup plan.
Fortunately, I had an alternate proposal
scenario
in case there was a problem.
Jay and Gloria were babysitting,
so I asked them to re-create
the picnic under the stars we had
the night we moved in to our first
apartment.
Mitchell would take one look and...
Sob like a Tony winner.
I got the picnic basket.
But you know what is going to be hard to
find?
My interest in this whole damn thing?
No, the blue-and-white tablecloth.
Here it is. It was in the occasions closet.
They keep their tools in a pillowcase,
but they have an occasions closet?
What are you guys doing here?
Oh. Cam is going to propose to Mitch,
so we're here to help him set it up.
That is coconuts!
Mitchell asked us to do the same thing for
him.
Well, that just makes me want to stay
and see how this whole thing works out.
Oh, we can. Let's set it up and then we'll
hide somewhere.
Ay, yes, in the occasion closet.
No. We do what they asked and leave.
We never had these problems.
This is what happens when they let men marry
men.
That cannot be a coincidence.

Sorry about the detour.
I was just worried about the pileup on the
405.
Oh, take your time. The drive's actually
soothing me.
Oh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh! What -- what was that?
Oh. I think it's a blown tire. It's okay.
Well, I know there's a spare. Do -- do we
have the tools?
- Yeah, yeah. They're in the pillowcase in
the trunk. - Right.
Why do you have to be so grouchy?
We're giving them a beautiful story.
Everybody deserves one.
I'm an idiot.
Oh, you're not an idiot. You're not as
romantic as some --
These things peel off on the back,
and I've been gluing 'em.
Why do I even bother? You don't care about
this stuff.
What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, like when you proposed to me.
"Hey, Manny, hand me that thing."
That's my whole story.
Hang on. That wasn't my fault.
I had something big planned.
You asked him for the ring.
I was asking for the remote. He jumped the
gun.
He was supposed to give me the ring
later that night at the restaurant.
The waiter was gonna come by and offer
coffee.
I was gonna say, "No, thank you. It'll keep
me up,
and lately, I've been loving my dreams,
and there's one in particular I hope comes
true."
Manny gives me the ring.
I say, "Gloria --"
Yes, Jay! Yes, I marry you!
I love my new story.
Little heads-up -- there's no way I'm not
crying at this wedding.
第 7 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S05E01
Phil, you cried on the way here.
I was on the brink already.
I watched "Dirty Dancing" before we left.
Text from my dad.
Oh, no.
He wants me to come visit him for a couple
of days,
but it's right in the middle of our kid-free
week.
Oh, that's too bad. I guess you could take
two days.
I may have mentioned to Frank
that Phil might be available that week.
The only thing better than a kid-free week
is a couple of days carved out just for
mama.
Perfect.
Yeah.
Hey, you remember the day I proposed to you?
Of course I do.
I don't remember the exact date, but, yes.
March 19, 1994.
Oh. Yeah.
I was in such a bad mood that afternoon.
I was on day two of a St. Patrick's
hangover.
I don't remember that.
I just remember how crazy in love I was.
I couldn't wait to ask you.
I even ran a red light on the way to pick
you up.
I still have the ticket.
No, you don't. Why would you say something
like that?
Are you kidding me? I was racing to my life.
It's in a box at my dad's
with a bunch of other stuff --
The program from that concert where I met
you...
...the matchbook with the fake number on
it you gave me...
The souvenir goblet from our first date.
You really think I'd throw away all those
beautiful memories...
...milady?
I haven't seen that stuff for a long time.

I got to dig it out when I see my dad.
Okay, stop. Sorry.
What?
I told your dad to call you
because I wanted some time for myself.
Yeah, couple of days away from my perfect,
romantic husband,
who is far too good
for this cold-hearted, bloodless wife-bot.
You have blood.
Honey, I just put the chairs in front of
the fireplace.
You made it romantic.
Mitchell's right. I'm a ghoul.
Come here.
You're romantic, too, in your own funny
way.
We're just different.
So what if I'm more sentimental?
My mom.
I mean, sure...
Marriage needs romance.
You know what it also needs?
"Spoke to Phil, and he suggested --"
Forgiveness.
Okay. Spare, please.
Yes, doctor.
I can't believe this has happened to us so
many times,
we actually have a system.
Oh, I know. You've come a long way
from the first time you ever saw a jack.
Remember, you couldn't believe...
I'm sorry. This is amazing.
I am lifting a car right now.
I am the strongest man in the world.
Oh, do you remember that time in Yosemite
when it was snowing so bad?
Yeah. What was that, like six years ago?
Oh, gosh. No, it was before Lily,
so it was at least seven or eight.
God, it is -- it's going by so fast.
Yeah. You're telling me.
You know, it's a different world down there
than it was 24 hours ago.
Cam, tire. Tire!
第 8 页 共 8 页
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Oh, my gosh. Oh, my -- oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
It's gonna be a different world
for the people in that yellow house.
This is not at all how I saw the evening
going.
Honey, you have no idea.
Do you remember our first apartment?
Yes. What -- what made you think of that?
I don't know.
The stars.
All right. Come on. Let's do this.
Yeah.
- Yes. - Yes.
Hey, there, you with the stars on your
thighs.
- Huh? - It's an old song. I thought I
would...
Eh, why do I bother?
- What is this? - Oh. Oh, that's from Manny.
I was hoping to wait and give it to you in
a couple of days.
But, uh, just remember that he's fine.
He's only a plane ride away.
Nice.
I'm going to wash my face.
Okay.
I hope that my cousins don't take him riding
the horses
or shooting the guns.
I know that he's almost a man, but...
Jay?
"Make sure you take care of Jay.
Please call me after his checkup on
Thursday.
I'll miss you guys so much."
Nice, huh?
Nice?
I'm gonna mail him his other robe.

Modern.Family.S05E02
Traditional "First day of school"
Pancakes.
- Whipped-cream smile? - Dad, I'm in high
school now.
Just put it in my mouth.
Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Hey, save some of that bossing people
around
for the office, lady.
After a 20-year vacation,
Claire is rejoining the work force.
Not a vacation.
But I am starting a job at my dad's closet
company.
He's kind of grooming me to take over.
I have a background in marketing.
I'm so proud of her.
Oh, uh, speaking of marketing -- we're out
of milk.
I'm actually kind of nervous.
You're gonna be great.
And remember, if you get into a jam,
just do the impression I taught you.
Hey. You can hang your clothes in me.
Christopher walk-in closet.
I'm not doing that.
Okay, relax, mom. You're working for
grandpa.
It's not even a real job.
It's like that summer when I worked for dad.
He was just trying to make me feel good
about myself.
He didn't really need my help.
That's not true.
I needed your help distributing all those
fliers.
And I did. Wink, wink.
How are you already doing homework?
It's junior year. I have to get good grades.
Don't you know how competitive it is out
there?
Stop pressuring me!
You know, this is what happens to kids
when they're not sexually active.
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-【750】-
Modern.Family.S05E02
Don't you have some studying to do?
Please, it's community college.
They tell you to bring a glue stick.
Hello.
Yes, this is he -- him -- me.
Right the first time.
I'll be right there.
Mitchell, that was it.
That was the call. I'm going in.
Due to budget cuts, my position as
middle-school music teacher
has been eliminated,
So I've been working as a high-school sub.
Ka-ching!
I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop
into action.
I'm kind of like batman.
But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone
call.
Yeah, you found the one difference.
I hate to miss her first day,
but do you mind taking Lily to school?
Oh, Cam, today?
I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie.
I only get him for an hour
between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.
Okay, you need to confront him
and tell him his pathetic little midlife
crisis
is making it impossible for you to do your
job.
Because he responds so well to criticism.
No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up
having to get married in your family's
barn.
Oh, well, we need to book that soon
because spring is hoedown season,
And then you get right into summer stock,
so...
I don't believe any of that.
All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need
to hurry.
Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.
Hey, I've been dressed for an hour.
Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.
Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

Buddy, I know a new school can be scary,
so a little advice --
Every time you meet someone new, pay them
a compliment.
Like, um, "I love your hair."
"Awesome kicks." "You have a beautiful
smile."
Okay, dad, I'll tell that big guy over there
that he's got a beautiful smile.
Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.
Um, could you maybe not walk me all the way
in?
What?
I've got it from here.
Sure. Yeah. Okay. Give your dad a --
Off you go. Alex!
Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet?
Are you nervous because of your first day
in high school?
Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia,
I'm a changed man.
Oh, my God, what did you see?!
Nothing,
but I am an international jet-setter now.
I'm sophisticated.
And you think that the girls are gonna pick
up on this?
If not, I still have my "Unaccompanied
minor" Sign.
Ay, I cannot believe
that my little baby's going to the high
school.
Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me.
It's my first day, too. I could use a hug.
Go!
- Hey, Gloria. - Hi, Phil.
First day of high school, huh?
Is Manny excited?
Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning,
ironing.
Ay, but he does that, too, when he's
depressed,
so now I don't know.
How was Luke?
Great. Yeah, he had a hard time saying
goodbye.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【751】-
Modern.Family.S05E02
But, um, anyway, I think I'm gonna go get
a cup of coffee.
- Can I go with you? - Yeah.
Dude, I'm kind of working something here.
How many trucks would that take?
Give me a minute, Fred.
New girl just walked in.
That's disgusting. She's my daughter.
Sweetheart, you look terrific.
Are you sure?
'cause I have another blouse in -- in here.
It's the only thing in here, that and a pair
of glasses
In case I need to read something or look
smarter.
Relax.
It's your first day.
Impossible to blow it. What are those?
Oh, cookies -- I made them for the office.
Huge mistake. Fred, two more seconds.
I got a situation here. Put the cookies
down.
- Why? - You're management.
Makes you look desperate.
Makes you look like you want everyone to
like you.
I do want everyone to like me.
You want everyone to respect you.
You got to be tough. Keep your distance.
Well, maybe we are different kinds of
managers.
Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.
Look at you, my big first-grader.
All right, I want you to make so many
friends
and have so much fun.
Got to go! I can't wait to learn!
- Be careful! - What?
Nothing.
Please do not be late. Let's go. Looking
good.
Uh, uh, Principal Brown?
- Yes. - Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker.
I was called in to sub today.
Oh, yeah, you're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.
- Hello. - She has come down with a sudden

case of rehab.
So do a good job
'cause this could be a permanent position.
Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest
because I'm about to "Be-dazzling" You.
I don't know what that means, but okay.
So, what am I teaching?
A.P. History.
I desperately wanted that job.
There was just one problem --
I don't know much about history.
Do you know much biology?
Not now, Mitchell.
What about your science book or the French
you took?
You're lucky I love you.
And I know that if you love me, too...
*What a wonderful world this would be*
I really was in a jam, though.
My dad thinks that he can motivate his
workers
by being a cold, distant authority figure.
Well, if his style is so effective, riddle
me this --
why didn't I listen to him?
Hey.
Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire.
It's my first day, so I thought I'd say hi.
- Oh. Hey. - Amazing.
You guys are actually hanging out by the
water cooler.
I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.
I'm -- I'm so sorry.
I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know,
like...
Anyway,
My door's always open... to everyone.
That's Pritchett's daughter.
Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of
me like that.
I'm -- I'm a friend. I'm a colleague.
I'm just like you.
I'm Claire, you know -- worker bee, just...
Great to meet you.
Sorry to interrupt, and see you around.
I do -- I got to do this one.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【752】-
Modern.Family.S05E02
Who am I?
You can hang your clothes in me.
Christopher walk-in closet.
What is this?
Oh, sorry, folks. It's closed. We're
shooting a commercial.
So annoying.
Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.
Actually, we're short a couple of extras.
How would you two like to be in it?
- Yes! - That sounds amazing.
Hey, um, I see a couple of old people.
This isn't one of those catheter
commercials, is it?
'Cause if it gets too descriptive,
I'm gonna squirm.
I just did it to myself.
I did my best to cram for my lecture
on the revolutionary war, but, ugh.
All those names and dates -- it's all so
dry.
Where's the drama?
Good morrow!
Oh, boy.
Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn?
Are you trappers from the Canadian
provinces?
Are you here to sell your beavers?
Who are you?
The 64-pence question.,
I crossed the Delaware during the
Revolutionary War.
I spent a brutal winter in Valley Forge.
Who am I?
I-I have no idea.
I-I swear I don't know who this man is.
I'm George Washington, of course.
Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover
Native Americans on the eve of
colonization.
Yes. Native Americans. Indians!
A majestic, peaceful people,
who lived off the land and cried when they
saw litter.
The textbook says many tribes were often
at war,
 Modern.Family.S05E02
with allegiances shifting all of the ti-- I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss,
Shifting all the time! but thank you so much for helping me out.
So, were the Indians friends with the No problem.
Colonists or not? My last class is a pass/fail.
Ah! Yes. And it's community college, so it's pass.
I know one Indian Hi. Charlie Bingham.
who was friends with a construction worker, Look at your eyes.
biker, Oh. I-I can't.
and traffic cop. I like you.
Uh, do y-- nothing? What do you think of these pants?
Seriously, nothing? It's part of our new collection.
Okay, your parents are gonna love that It's, uh, a lot of zippers.
joke. It's too many, right?
Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a And they poke into my thigh when I'm in my
half-hour. helicopter.
I have my helicopter standing by on the 'Cause I have a helicopter. It's not a big
roof. deal.
Is it even built for that? Okay, so, anyway, thank you.
No. That's why you only have a half-hour. You seem to know a lot about fashion.
Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough I'd like to get your opinion on a few
time. things.
We have a ton to cover. - Sure. - Yeah?
We need to talk about new lease agreements - Yeah. - Actually, no, she -- she needs
and the workers' comp package. to stay and watch Lily.
29 minutes. I think I hear creaking. Yeah, you can do that.
Daddy, I'm bored. Hey, princess. Hey.
Me, too. I love kids.
This is why I shouldn't come into work Daddy's office.
between vacations. You sound like a little girl.
Why don't you sit at Natalie's desk Hey, you wanted to see me?
and pretend to be my assistant, sweetie? Thanks for "Bzzzing" By.
Sorry about that. My niece is coming to pick I hope you weren't in the middle of a
her up. "Thang."
Lily had an incident at school today where Okay, that did get a little away from me.
she -- But to be fair, I broke the ice.
Hey, Pritchett, Everybody thinks you're a dummy.
you're not some hot single mom i'm trying Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact,
to seduce, One of the guys in the break room asked me
so I don't need to hear about your kid. to lunch.
Fair enough. So, lease agreements. - His name is Todd. - Don't say Todd.
Okay, I'm getting some push-back on the Oh, no.
Miami location. You cannot go to lunch with Todd.
Mr. Pritchett, I have a Haley here to see Why not?
you. You can't be associated with him.
Oh. Okay. Up until an hour ago,
Hi, sweetheart. he was the office weirdo.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【753】-

But he was nice to me,
And he helped me set up my computer.
Yeah, that's his job. For now.
What does that mean?
I'm firing him as soon as I can find an I.T.
Guy
who shows up on time
and doesn't creep out the office.
I can't cancel on the one person who was
nice to me.
You can, but you won't,
'cause you're the type of person who brings
cookies to the office.
Where are they?
Okay, we're done here.
Okay, folks, you're just having a normal
conversation,
a typical day in a coffee shop, all right?
Roger that.
Here we go, guys.
And...action!
How have you been, Roy?
Ah, a little down.
Helen and I really miss the kids,
But we just can't afford to visit them right
now.
- Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
- What's that?
- You have equity in your home, right? -
This coffee is delicious!
All right, you two in the back, we can hear
you,
So just mime your conversation.
Mime -- mime -- I knew that.
I was already doing that, so just follow
my lead.
Okay, sorry, sorry. We'll do it again.
But everything else is okay?
You haven't done anything else.
- So, yeah? - Back to one, guys.
Action.
How have you been, Roy?
Ah, a little down.
Helen and I really miss the kids,
But we just can't afford to visit them right
now.
Modern.Family.S05E02
- Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
- What's that?
You have equity in your home, right?
- Sure, we do. - What are they doing?
Is she answering an imaginary phone?
Oh, that sounds too good to be true.
Don't take my word for it.
Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.
Okay, cut.
Couple in the back.
Yep. No, I know. I know. Bigger?
The native Americans and the settlers
had two completely different ideas of land
ownership.
Eventually, these differences would lead
to war.
Oh. Look, goose bumps.
Okay, yes. Uh, class dismissed.
We did it!
Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and
I promise,
Tomorrow, I will do my best to be more
prepared.
Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?
Well, I don't want to be indelicate,
But the good news is, is I might be your
permanent teacher.
- I don't want you to be my permanent
teacher. - Oh, what?
You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?
Listen to me.
I've worked nonstop to build the perfect
academic record,
And I'm not going to let you screw it up
now.
I have an A.P. Test in 160 days,
and I need to ace it.
Can you get me there or not?
I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.
You do realize that all the men of the alamo
died?
They all died!
Ruthie's older, so she thinks she's the
boss.
But for a little guy, Stu holds his own.
They can be a handful.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【754】-

But, god, they make me laugh so hard, you
know?
I did not know you could even tell the
gender of a turtle.
Oh, yeah.
It's called "Sexing the turtle," And it's
an eight-step process.
Now, let's pretend your hand is a turtle.
- Okay. - What you do is you flip it over.
And then you have to look right into --
Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. I think I get
it.
Oh. I know. I'm droning on, aren't I?
Please, stop. Please stop!
You're not. You're not.
I am. But enough about my family.
Tell me about yours.
All right, well, my husband Phil's a
realtor.
That's funny. I'm buying a house.
Why? When?
Actually, we have the final walk-through
today,
Sign the papers tomorrow.
Th-that's a really big deal, Todd.
Yeah, and it's a bit of a stretch for us,
too,
But, uh, no, the time is right.
We're just -- we're gonna do it.
"We" is you and the turtles?
No, me and my wife.
A w-- I'm sorry.
You didn't mention your wife. That's great.
I bet she's got a big, fancy, high-paying
job, right?
Uh, she's getting her master's.
- In? - Latin.
Oh, Todd.
This may not be the best time to buy a house.
I hate to be the one to break this to you
--
Oh. No, no, no, no, I got this.
No, you don't.
Stand by, everyone.
I really felt like I nailed that last one.
I still feel so stiff.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【755】-
Modern.Family.S05E02
I don't know what to pretend saying.
You're thinking too much. Just draw from
your own life.
Like, how was your day today?
Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.
Okay, so use that.
My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson,
Is also sad because his son wouldn't take
his advice
And he wanted to be dropped off a block away
from school.
He expected that from his daughters
But thought his son would be different.
That's so sad.
But Dr. Stephen wilson is not going to let
that
ruin breakfast with his mistress.
You know, maybe it's just time for us to
--
to accept that we have to let them go.
Maybe it is.
Okay, everyone, here we go. We're rolling.
And action!
How have you been, Roy?
Ah, a little down.
Helen and I really miss the kids,
But we just can't afford to visit them right
now.
- Have you considered a reverse mortgage?
- What's that?
Uh, you have equity in your home, right?
- Sure, we do. - Please, no crying.
You're gonna make me cry, too.
Well, essentially the bank buys your house.
But you still get to live in it.
That sounds too good to be true.
Don't take my word for it.
Here's Henry Winkler to tell us more.,
I don't want the Fonz to see me like this.
It's a prototype. It can withstand
the most extreme temperatures on the
planet.
It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.
It also repels women.
I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight!
Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.

Anyway, if we could get back to the lease
agreements here.
You're amazing. How would you fix it?
It's too boxy.
Probably have to take it in here...
- Right. - ...and here.
Yeah, I probably overdo it in the gym.
Stupid 7% body fat.
Okay, so getting back to work.
We are working. Why are we working?!
I got to go to Cabo. Hey, you want to come
with me?
Oh, I've, uh, never been to Cabo.
Yeah, she's not going to cabo 'cause she's
half your age.
- How old are you? - Who cares?
Pretty soon, I'm gonna look 20.
I've been meditating in one of those
pressurized eggs.
Well, if I went to cabo,
what would the sleeping situation be?
Not much.
Okay, no, that is enough! No! No!
She is my niece!
Okay?
This pathetic midlife crisis of yours
is -- is hurting the company,
and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your
messes.
Y-you need to focus and you need to start
acting your age --
Your -- your real age, not your egg age.
Normally, if someone talked to me that way,
I'd fire him.
But I respect your honesty. I respect your
passion.
It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.
Just focus.
You're right. You're right. You're right.
You're right.
What's that creaking?
Hut! Hike!
Oh, hey, you're going the wrong way!
That's the wrong way! No!
Wait. I'm sorry. You're right.
Uh, excuse me, principal Brown.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【756】-
Modern.Family.S05E02
Yikes. You know, most subs just play a
movie.
All right, do something different, guys.
Uh, listen, I-I can't be your history
teacher.
Those kids work so hard, and they deserve
someone
who knows the material and can inspire them,
so...
If you say so.
Hey, I was wondering,
what kind of play was that you were running?
Was that supposed to be a slant?
Our freshman coach quit.
I'm just a glorified babysitter.
Well, your receiver needs to learn to run
his routes,
or the quarterback's never gonna be able
to hit him.
- I-I played in college. - Oh. Okay.
Hey, Tyler, you need to learn to run your
routes.
What routes?
Yeah, what routes?
Well, you're gonna line up here.
Take three steps.
One, two, three -- plant right,
Open left 45 degrees up the field.
Okay, why don't we try it again?
Try it again! Tip!
Put some zip on the ball, 18!
Hut, hut, hike!
Hit him!
Better. Better. Good job. Circle back up.
All right, anyway, thank you for the
opportunity.
Hey, hey, how would you like to take over
this team?
Well, well, that's an interesting offer.
- How much does it pay? - Nothing.
Are you firm on that?
Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position
available.
- It's all yours if you coach. - Can I wear
shorts?
Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.
 Modern.Family.S05E02
Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear See you tomorrow, Luke.
shorts. Not if I see you first.
I humbly accept your offer. There it is! There's that smile.
Huddle up, boys! Let's go! Hustle! But they will.
Do you know what hustle means, 10?! - Hey, dad. - Hey, buddy.
It really wasn't bad. - We're at school. - Yep.
Todd is a very interesting guy when you get Success is not guaranteed.
to know him. It is not handed to you.
Did he tell you about his turtles, little Success is earned.
Lulu and Stan? How's that data entry going?
Ruthie and Stu. Good. I am up to 1998.
That's the name he picks? Ah, that's when I'd already been doing the
"Turtle stew"? Idiot! job 20 years.
Well, there was one little situation that So maybe I should listen to you?
came up, Get you home a lot earlier.
but I think I handled it pretty well. Thanks, boss.
- He's about to make, um, kind of a big -- Today, we are forging a new path, people!
Hold on. The only thing we have to fear is fear
Margaret, why can't I log in here? itself!,
What's wrong with my computer? Wrong president.
The whole system's down. - Just keep pushing! - Okay.
No one can access files. We can't get
online.
Where's Todd?
We can't find him anywhere, and his yaris
is gone.
- Where are my files?! - What the hell?
I-I might know a little something about
this.
What did you do?
Kind of told Todd that you were gonna fire
him.
- What?! - I had to.
Dad, he's about to buy a house.
But he was fine with it.
He hugged me and thanked me
and told me that it gave him time to make
a plan.
Gentlemen, today is a new beginning.
And that can be scary.
How did it go, Mr. Jet-setter?
Good. Really good.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
I'm gonna ask things of you that may not
make sense right now.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【757】-

Modern.Family.S05E03
I'm mad for you, Diane.
Roger's dating already?
OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him.
You hold on a second.
Lorraine, how's my favorite client?
I've been on something of a hot streak at
work.
I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients
--
recently divorced moms.
You might say I hit the single-mother lode.
How about that master suite, huh?
Maybe if I had someone to share it with.
Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman with
a lot to offer.
Should we make an offer?
It's a great house, but I'm just gonna be
alone.
Diane, you're not gonna be alone.
You're gonna get a loan.
Sodas, snacks -- poker game's in the
basement.
Look, I need more sleep than you,
and ever since they cut down that stupid
prune tree,
the sun has been right in my eyes every
morning.
It's not a prune tree. They pruned the
tree.,
And I'm not switching places with you,
so you should just put your head at the
other end of the bed.
Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow?
And I'm the dumb one.
Diane, you have got to forget about him.
Roger's Cheyenne's problem now.
- Honey... - You know what?
You need to talk.
Starbucks for a little go juice?
What is up?
I need to go into the office.
My dad wants me to close out the monthly.
What?
Monthly. Never mind. Go on.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【758】-
Modern.Family.S05E03
I'm stretched a little thin today, so I need
you
to do the grocery shopping, check in on the
kids,
and maybe clean up those branches in the
front yard.
Done and done.
Is that an expression,
or did you really only remember two of the
things I said?
- The second. - I'll leave you a message.
Hello?
Phil.
Sorry. Call back.
I have bad news, Jay.
Joe was thrown out of the gymboree.
Again? What happened?
He pushed Mason. He made him cry.
The teacher said that we cannot go back.
That's ridiculous. Mason's a big baby.
Everybody there is a big baby.
But Joe plays very rough.
And we know why. It's the curse.
Not that I'd ever want to discourage you
from whispering,
but that's not a thing.
There is a mark of the devil in my family.
My great-great grandfather
was given the location of an emerald mine
in exchange for his soul.
There's, like, paperwork or something that
proves this?
And they say that the day of his daughter's
wedding,
a great bird came from the sky
and snatched him with his claws
and took him far, far away.
You're aware that a remarkable number of
your stories end
with a family member being carried off by
a giant bird.
I only know what I was told, Jay.
I'm just saying after the third time,
we might think about moving the party
inside.
Okay, maybe it's not the curse,

but you know that my family has a very dark
side.
My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief.
My uncle Carlos fixed soccer games. My aunt
--
Did he teach them to pick the ball up
and throw it down the field?
'Cause that's the only way you fix soccer.
Manny escaped it, but I am not sure about
Joe.
Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher.
And so what if Joe's a little boisterous?
Whatever happened to letting kids be
themselves?
- Ready. - Lose the hat.
I guess I'm supposed to see "Sound of Music"
in a regular hat.
Nothing against "Sound of Music,"
but there's a lot of other things
we could do this afternoon.
You ever hear of "Death Wish"?
Oh, I love "Death Wish."
Manny, that's the charity where the sick
kids go to,
like, a concert with Madonna
or to the super bowl with Justin Bieber,
or they --
No, no, no, no, no.
It's a movie -- New York, '70s,
Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and
he...
Who's pushed to the limit
until one day he decides to fight back.
- You've seen it? - It's called "Death
Wish."
I doubt it ends with him trading banter
in an apartment with Marsha Mason.
Hey, fiance?
Hello, my intended.
That one sounds a little murdery.
You are my intended.
Stop it. Stop it!
So, while you're out,
I'm gonna review our flower options,
and I have to say, so far, i'm partial to
Floral and Hardy,,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【759】-
Modern.Family.S05E03
but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist
Gump.,
You love a business with a clever name.
I do. Guilty.
Can I just say I love how this is going?
Mitchell and I agreed
that I would be in charge of the wedding
after the tragic news last week from the
Andys.
Uh, not the mountain range. No.
Our friends Andrew and Andrew --
they broke up.
The stress of planning a wedding was too
much.
They were quibbling about...
Everything.
I mean, uh, which is why I'm just happy
to stay out of his way.
Yeah, I dream big. Then I winnow down.
Dream big. Winnow down.
- Dream big. - Okay, winnow down.
Yep. Stay out of my way. Sorry.
Daddy, where's Larry?
Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie.
They're -- they're wanderers.
But I haven't seen him in days.
Well, he'll be back, okay?
Trust daddy on this.
Okay.
You know, I'm starting to get worried
that Larry might not come back.
- Oh, he's definitely dead. - What?!
Yeah, street meat or coyote chow.
We'll wait a couple weeks, and then we'll
get a new Larry.
Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our
family pet dying.
And shouldn't we help our daughter process
this loss?
Yes, we will, and she'll be fine.
And it's not nonchalant.
It's farm life. Death is everywhere.
You just learn to not get too attached to
anything.
Oh, so, what, if I were to die,
you would just wait a few weeks and then

replace me?
Of course not.
Where would I find another gay Mitchell
with your exact markings?
What's happening, big Al?
Yeah, let's go ahead and veto that
nickname.
Hey, Reuben taught me this cool trick.
Close your eyes.
Oh, my god! What is wrong with you?
You kissed a girl. Now we're even.
Just paying off a poker debt.
Luke's creepy friend just kissed me.
Ew. Reuben? That little weirdo?
I'm still here.
I'm gonna go boil my mouth.
Oh, hey, guys. Game's downstairs.
This little game you dorks play,
we talking milk money or heavy cream?
A lot of fresh bar mitzvah money down there.
Mind if I sit in?
We kind of got a no-girls policy.
Is it a policy or just something that keeps
happening?
The second.
Hey, honey.
I am so excited I can't stand it!
If you're gonna move your hands around like
that,
you need to put the phone down.
Okay, okay, okay.
For cocktail hour,
they're creating a running waterfall
onto which they're going to project
a hologram of us embracing.
But we're still winnowing, right?
Already winnowed.
I cut the angel costumes.
Hard choices, Mitchell.
Okay, I got to go. I'm so excited!
Yeah, me too.
Best thing about my relationship with Cam?
Trust.
Newsflash -- I can be an obsessive person.
In the past, I've had trouble letting
someone else
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【760】-
Modern.Family.S05E03
call the shots.
Giving up control made me crazy.
That's what makes my life with Cam so
freeing.
I can turn over big things to him
and never give them a second thought.
Out of sight, out of mind. Bye-bye.
Phil.
This is --
Oh! Oh, my god!
Phil?
- Phil?! - Yeah, I was just sitting there,
and he basically molested me.
Excuse me?
She's talking about Reuben.
Who are you?!
You boys better have money.
I am not doing this for free.
W-w-what's -- what's happening?
Oh, I hear you, Joyce.
His time's important. Your time isn't,
right?
Let me buzz you back, superstar.
Okay.
Hey, honey.
Branches are still in the front yard,
I just took a rake to the face,
Reuben is getting really weird on Alex,
And Haley's doing something for money in
the basement.
It's all gonna be fine.
Daddy's home, superstar.
No. Don't call me that.
I'm not one of your needy little divorces.
Um, that is work.
Is it?
'Cause I kind of feel like part of you loves
being a hero to those women.
I'm a helper of people.
Hey, you knew what you signed up for
when you hitched your wagon to a realtor
man.
Honey, when I met you,
you were a wedding deejay.
By the way, Spinderfella,
looks like you still need to hit the grocery
 Modern.Family.S05E03
store. thing as, uh --
I think someone's feeling neglected. Excuse me.
Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women, Uh, come on, Jay.
but there's only one I'm married to. So no one ever taught you manners, huh?
You're getting too involved, Phil. Whatever, dude.
You are juggling these women, No, you bump into somebody, you apologize.
and you're not that good a juggler. And since I'm teaching you something here,
Now you're just lashing out! here's a little class called "Intro to
Hey, come here. pants."
I didn't tell Jay, Jay, stop!
but sometimes Joe even scares me. Get off me!
Lucky for me, there are professionals I go to school with those kids.
that are trained to deal with such You know how embarrassing that was?
problems. - Manny. - No.
Ay, thank you for coming, padre. Why do you always got to be like this --
Oh, of course, Gloria. judgmental, hot-tempered, loud?
And this must be Fulgencio. These are a few of my least-favorite
What a beautiful little boy. things.
He's such a sweet nature. Well, I can see that the house speaks to
I can tell he's a gentle soul. you, Diane.
Ah! Hey, Fulgencio, no, no. "Buy me."
Sorry, padre. Not now, house.
Ay, that's why I called you, Father. Ah, the open floor plan, the spacious
I think he's bad. kitchen.
There is evil in my family. I do love it.
Ah, Gloria, he's just a little baby. That's -- that's the office.
Last week, his eyes got red, Why don't you take one last look at the
and the dog backed away. backyard?
He probably just had a cold. Did someone say barbecue?
All mothers worry. "I did."
Look at him -- rosy cheeks, he's playing Lorraine, what is up?
with his blocks. Nothing. Just kicking it at the office.
The six again. Slow down, now.
So, Joe knocks one kid down, he's out. Tell Phil what happened.
All kids do that. Phil, can I go in the garage?
Why do you think your whole building is made Make yourself at home, sister.
out of nerf? That was my sister who is visiting town
Yeah, you see where he gets it from. -- and my office,
Hey, listen, I'm not afraid of you, Miss which is where I am calling you from.
Debbie. You called me.
You're not the -- damn it. I'm worried about Larry.
Sounds like someone needs a relaxing trip Oh, honey, I know.
to nazi-occupied Austria. Where is he?
Can't believe she hung up on me. Um, Lily, there's probably something I
Well, you were yelling at her. should tell you.
Standing up for yourself is not the same Larry's not coming back home.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【761】-

Why? Is he dead?
Nope. Um, not dead.
Larry, uh, met someone, fell in love,
and he got married.
Are they ever going to visit?
I'm afraid not because when cats get
married,
they have to move to, um, the forest,
and so then they're not tempted by other
cats in the city.
- It's Larry. - I know.
Even people that you would never expect
- have moments of weakness. - No, over
there.
But where's his wife?
Hello, Larry.
Larry's back.
Yeah, uh, well, you know what?
I think they probably, uh, didn't work out,
and they broke up.
People get married and then break up?
What if that happens to you and daddy?
Oh, y-you know what? Daddy made a mistake.
Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up.
Larry's wife...died.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
That's why we're gonna give him the closure
he needs
by throwing, um, a funeral
to celebrate the remarkable life of Larry's
wife.
It's gonna be great. You know what?
We're gonna have music, we're gonna get a
shoe box...
...we're gonna have candles.
Yes. Hi, Florist Gump. It's me again.
It felt good to handle that crisis on my
own.
In the past, I would have had to run to
Mitchell,
but he's been trusting me more and more.
I'm so proud of him.
He's really learned to let things go.
Oh, no! God, no, no, no!
What?
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It's a bloodbath down there.
We lost everything.
I thought you were good.
I always beat Dylan.
Come on. We need your help.
You're the best card player in this family.
What's in it for me?
- A chance to be a good sister. - Pass.
Reuben's been telling everyone
you slipped him the tongue.
Move.
I thought cats had nine lives.
Yeah, and they do,
but Larry's wife was older than he was,
and she'd been married eight times before.
Like Elizabeth Taylor?
Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.
Oh, Dylan, thank you for coming on such
short notice.
I just need you to dig a hole right over
here.
- Thank you. - Oh, no problem.
So, Lily, I'm really sorry.
How's Larry doing?
Fine. He's a happy cat.
Oh, they're cats.
That's gonna make my job a lot easier.
Okay, everyone, thank you for coming.
It means a lot to Lily, and it means a lot
to me.
Angus?
So, Larry's wife -- what can I say?
She loved Larry.
And, um, you know, like all cat marriages,
they had their ups and their downs,
but they always landed on their feet.
Oh, hit a rock.
Oh! Not a rock!
Okay, everybody!
Please stay calm! Please stay calm!
No running! It's slippery!
Angus, keep playing!
Okay.
- Randall! - Yeah?
I'm up here.
Mr. Pritchett?
 Modern.Family.S05E03
This is all intern work. and it sounds like you and your lady
It isn't for my band. really need to talk this out.
Need me to do a coffee run? Yeah, maybe you're right.
No. So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
No, uh, listen, I was -- I was cleaning, - I'm gay. - Oh, my god.
and I got stuck up here, Does she know?
and I need you to go into my office Got to save something for the wedding night,
and stand up the ladder that fell. huh?
Got it. Okay.
And I'm sorry about lying before. Riley, no! Buster, please sit!
Those are flyers for my band, Dylan, help!
the Interns. I can't!
Uh-oh. Your door's locked. These cats and dogs are fighting like --
Oh, no. oh!
But, hey, I-I think, if you keep going Okay, everybody, I'm sorry.
forward, This was supposed to be a small service,
then back your legs out through the vent, but I don't winnow down.
I can grab them to help you down. I overdo.
Oh, I don't know. And if I let a simple fake cat funeral get
That makes me a little nervous. out of hand,
Just think about something else. how am I supposed to plan an entire wedding?
I heard you're getting married. How's that You're late.
going? Okay, I need Mitchell.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Good news.
It's -- it's good. It's good. He just pulled up.
You know, we're planning it right now. Damn it.
Actually, it's being planned for me. Okay, in. In, in.
That's nice. No stress. Yes. Okay.
Oh, you'd think, huh? And, please, can somebody catch that thing?
But it's getting a little bit out of hand. Okay, all right, stay.
Oh, that happens with weddings. Everyone just...
Does it? Hey! How was the gym?
I mean, how many weddings have you been to I never made it.
that have something called a dove cannon? Listen, Cam, I got to talk about something.
You know, I think I should have a say I do, too.
in something like that. What would you think about being more
You need to let go, Mr. Pritchett. involved with the wedding?
I-I can't. That's what I wanted to talk about.
I-I wish I could, but I can't. I would love to.
I just -- it's freaking me out. Thank god.
No, I've got you already. You know, I just think we're -- we're better
Okay. together.
Yeah. "Better together." Mm, I like that.
Thank you. I cannot be in a house with snakes.
You know, I'm pretty good at reading How bad is it?
people, Gonna need about an hour.

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-【763】-

Here you go.
I got you Sno-caps,
'cause, you know, at the end, they escape
across the alps.
Thanks for ruining it.
Calm down. The movie's 50 years old.
Making friends everywhere, aren't you?
Listen, you always say, "Express your
feelings."
When I get mad, that's what I do.
Hello? Yeah, I can talk.
My parents dragged me into this stupid
movie.
Go ahead, Jay. Feed him his phone.
You're telling me that doesn't bother you?
I can't hear you. Talk louder.
I'm just saying...
...if we give in to every impulse,
we're no better than wild animals.
But if we push it down, it eats you alive.
Not if you just let it go.
The chick from that crapfest "Mary
Poppins."
That's it.
A lot of cold, lonely nights in that
apartment by myself
while my mom was driving a taxi,
and only one thing kept me company.
So, you got a problem with poppins,
you got a problem with me.
Ay, Father, I am so sorry.
I didn't even know that he could hold a
fork.
No, no, no, I blame myself.
I probably shouldn't have taken his nose.
No, it's my family.
The girls are very chesty,
but the men, they're kissed by the devil.
Gloria, the fact that you are so concerned
is only proof that you are a loving and
caring mother.
It's the parents who shape the child.
And your son is growing up in a wonderful
home.
Die, scum!
No, no, no!
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Louder, like you did
at the drive-through.
Mom, Jay and I saw "Death Wish."
Amazing.
Manny got in a fight at "The Sound of
Music,"
got kicked out.
I've never been so proud.
Well, I guess every household
could use a little fine-tuning, huh?
Let me give you my card
- with my cell number on it. - Please.
And what did I do with my wallet? I...
I had yelled at Phil for not helping out,
and there he was, doing exactly what I had
asked him to do...
Here's our zucchini.
Up top, buddy.
...for some other family.
You are so sweet for helping me with this.
How hurt you've been, Lorraine --
This is sweet. This is...normal.
Phil?
Diane?
Hey, superstar.
I thought I was superstar.
Oh, your husband has been so wonderful to
me.
He's not my husband. He's my realtor.
Oh, he's my realtor.
I'm both your realtors.
I-I'm just lucky to have such a --
We're on our way to an open house.
Oh, is that why you couldn't
show me the colonial later?
I made that corn bread that you like.
W-we're gonna make it to that.
I just have to finish up with Lorraine.
Oh, you mean, like, "Get it over with"?
No, I-I don't mean that.
And I thought zucchini bread was your
favorite.
Why -- why am I buying zucchini?
Hey, can't a guy like zucchini bread
and corn bread?
- Phil? - Damn it.
 Modern.Family.S05E03
Ronnie! "Claire, you were right."
I thought you had a doctor's appointment. She was right.
That's why you had to miss Darrell's swim Louder.
meet. I do not love this side of you.
Who's she? Thanks for winning my computer back.
Just another client. And getting me all my money. That was
"Just another client"? awesome.
No, that's -- what is this? Yeah, if only I had stopped there,
Uh-oh, it is. It's my office. but I had to go back down.
Got to take it. I got greedy, and I was careless.
- Hello? - Phil? There's a story about that I remember from
Claire? school.
World's greatest realtor. Icarus flew too close to his son.,
What are you doing here? I think their wings bumped.
Your hair is sweating. One of them fell. They might have been
That's 'cause I'm excited to see my ducks.
friends. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to
Let's go, buddy. pay attention.
Are you all clients of Phil's? Or pay the ultimate price.
Apparently. Shall we, my dear?
Well, you could not be in better hands. Don't wait up.
I met Phil when I was at such a rocky place Wait up.
in my life.
He was available to me morning, noon, and
night.
Of course he found me my dream house,
but that wasn't the best part.
Phil taught me how to trust a man again,
and I think that was always his plan.
That was always my plan.
And it was not easy for me to trust a man
after the husband that I'd had.
This guys left tools in the yard,
let the kids run wild.
Well, great to see you, Claire.
He was always interrupting me.
And he wore the most ridiculous sleep-mask
thing.
Oh, god, sounds like such a diva.
Or he's photosensitive,
which is a real condition.
Never took my advice.
You know, that's the worst part.
He never -- he never said he was sorry just
one time.
I would kill to have heard,

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Modern.Family.S05E04
Remember before when we don't have kids,
we can just lie in bed on Saturday.
That's how we got them.
Why did I have to be so sexy?
A few months ago, Luke joined the club
soccer team.
And at first, we were thrilled.
But then we realized
it takes over your whole weekend.
And not in the cool marathon way.
Luke sits on the bench a lot,
which means we sit in the hot sun for like
eight hours
just to see him play five minutes.
But what a five minutes. Tell'em about last
week.
Oh, yeah. Luke stopped a goal with his face.
- Too bad he doesn't remember that. - Yeah.
What if we sent Luke to the game without
us today?
- We can't do that. - Why not?
Missing one tournament doesn't
make us bad parents.
My mom never went to any of my stuff.
I'm fine.
Why didn't she go to any of your stuff?
Because she was an incredibly competitive
woman
who didn't like to see me do very well at
anything,
but I think it's pretty clear who won.
I'm working now, you know,
and I really need my weekends back
to -- to catch up on errands.
I don't know. It just feels wrong.
Would it feel wrong to use that robot gutter
cleaner
that's been sitting in the box for the last
three weeks?
No, that would feel right -- so right.
Did I tell you I call it "The gutter done"?
You did! I love "Gutter done."
It's your sense of humor. It's so fun.
Okay, stop drilling. You struck oil.
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But only if Luke's 100% cool with it.
Yeah, of course. I'm on it.
You know, if we're not going,
we could stay in bed a little longer.
- No, thank you. - Okay.
Don't want to have this conversation again
in 15 years.
What are you doing with those swatches?
She's gonna be here any minute.
I told you to put all this wedding stuff
away.
Are these really our top-two choices for
color palette?
Why are they both white?
That's what my friend Keisha asks about you
and daddy.
Instead of hiding all this stuff,
why don't you just tell Pam we're getting
married?
I will, when she's ready.
Carefully and preferably in a large, open
field.
She's your sister, not the Hulk.
My big sister, Pam, is emotionally fragile
and she's still single, so when she finds
out
I'm getting married before she is --
Look out.
She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.
Because that's when they wake up?
Yep. That's morning time for a barn owl.
- It's her! - Quick! Hide!
It's okay, Lily. Come on.
Oh, take that bow out of her hair.
I don't want to rub our daughter's
adorableness
in my barren sister's face.
- There she is! - Hey, Pam!
Well, the damn airline lost my trunk.
- Now I'm gonna have to make new clothes.
- Oh, no.
Yep.
I need to squeeze something.
- Get over here, Lily. - I'm good.
Yeah, well, she's shy.
So, Pam, we've got some big news.

Speaking of big news --
You remember that little ugly girl i used
to babysit,
Britney Horner?
- Yeah. - Well, she got married last summer,
and now she's pregnant with twins.
So, if you're keeping track, that's ugly
-- 2, me -- nothing.
What's your news?
Well...
We're getting a new dryer.
Well, I'm very happy for y'all.
Thank you.
How come I never get a new dryer?
Mom, in all the time you've known grandpa,
has he ever used the word "Fluxions"?
That is not an f-word I have heard him use.
He's beating me in "Words with friends."
How is that even possible?
Shouldn't you be playing "Words with
friends"
with friends?
Grandpa is my friend.
Of course he is. That's not sad. What?
Morning, buddy. What's with the pillow?
It's for soccer.
My neck gets pretty tired watching all
those games.
Right.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Say, listen, your dad and I were just
talking
about you maybe wanting to go to the game
without us today.
But it's totally up to you.
Whatever you want because we love you very
much.
Right. You can either ride with some of your
teammates,
like the L.A. Kings,
or you can ride with us,
like how Gloria and grandpa take Joe to
playdates.
Professional athlete, little poopy baby --
- Your call. - I'll get a ride with Max.
- Great! - Are you sure it's okay?
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Modern.Family.S05E04
Yeah, it's fine.
Hey, can I borrow your sleep mask?
- You bet. - Awesome.
Yes! I love that kid.
Can you imagine how easy it would be
if it was just him?
I mean...
I know what you mean.
You call that folded?
Where's that military precision?
We didn't fold many onesies in the navy.
I'm back!
What did the doctor say?
He said my eyes are perfect.
Where was he looking when he said it?
Pretty sure Gloria needs glasses.
The last couple of months, she's been
struggling.
I'll take this one. It looks very good.
That's their address, Magoo.
Did he even give you an eye test?
He put the spoon in one eye,
the spoon in the other eye,
The puff puff, the eye drops.
20/20. Now who's the Magoo?
What the hell language was that?
Did you see that fresh coat of nail polish?
She never went to the doctor.
Why would she lie?
She's vain, Manny.
She doesn't want to wear glasses.
Well, she's only hurting herself.
- Okay, I hope you're hungry. - Starving.
That damn airline ran out of roast beef.
Tried to fast talk me
into eating something called "Hoo-mus."
Oh, hummus -- it's actually really
delicious.
You would like tha-- uh. Oh.
- What's this? - Oh, uh, that's an action
figure.
It's two grooms.
They melted together in the car
on a very, very hot day.
It was 103.
My daddies are getting married.

Your dads are getting married?
That can't be right.
That's what my friend Keisha says.
Is this true?
Pam, honest to goodness, we were gonna tell
you.
Get over here, you!
She's got me.
Well, damn!
This is the greatest news I've ever heard!
Oh, I am so happy to hear you say that, Pam.
Of course. Oh!
I want my baby brother to be happy.
And as long as we're sharing, I have some
news.
You remember Bo Johnson?
Oh, my gosh, how could I forget? Oh!
He was my first crush.
Please tell me nothing happened to his
face.
What did he fall into?
He fell into me.
We're engaged!
- Say what? - Bo and I are getting married!
That is fantastic! Cam, isn't this great
news?
Come here, you. Oh!
Yeah. So great.
Get in on this! Come on!
Thank you for jumping.
I didn't feel guilty for missing Luke's
soccer tournament
because I had a ton of errands
I figured would take me all day to finish.
But for some weird reason, I was flying
through my list.
I ended up in every short line.
I made every green light.
It was the ultimate karmic bitch-slap.
Because suddenly I had no more errands,
which meant no more excuses,
which meant me at that boring soccer
tournament.
Hi. There you are.
Your son is playing so great.
- No, I'm Luke's mom. - No, I know.
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- He's been amazing all day. - Luke?
Oh! Luke?
Here, you want one?
Uh, no, thanks. I'm coffeed out.
- Oh, honey, it's sangria. - Well, all
right.
Okay, that's it. Grandpa's cheating.,
On Gloria?
How could he possibly do better?
No, not on Gloria -- on this game.
I've never lost it to anyone.
Keep playing word games with grandpa,
and you never will.
Hey, girls!
Hey. What is that thing?
What do they call it,
or what should they have called it?
- Never mind. - Uh, wait, wait, wait!
It's a gutter cleaner.
Ladies, I give you the future.
How many times have you girls seen me fall
off this ladder?
Now that's gonna happen less.
Looks like your, uh,
gutter cleaner is stuck on something.
Not a problem.
This baby detects blockage and then ramps
up the power.
That's why I've nicknamed it "The gutter
done."
- Dad! - Stop!
Sorry, it's such a missed opportunity.
Aah! Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god!
- What? What happened? - It's a bird's nest!
- No! - And they're all dead!
- Oh, my god! - You killed them!
Honey, it wasn't me!
It was the robot!
Look at it.
It doesn't know!
I'm sorry!
Mom! Mom! Help!
What?! What happened?!
- I just ate a handful of this rat poison.
- Why?!
I thought it was trail mix.

Why do I keep it so close together?
I'll call 911!
Here, read the box!
Tell me what it says to do!
Hurry!
- It says... - I don't have much time!
In the...
- And I'm dead. - What?
You'd rather kill your husband
than admit you need glasses.
- Wow, mom. - It's not poison?
Oh, there's rat poison,
and I do keep it dangerously close to the
trail mix,
but this was to point out
that your vanity could be fatal.
I knew this was all a trick.
That's why I acted like I couldn't read that
box!
How many people have to pretend to die,
Gloria?
It just doesn't make any sense.
Pam and Bo Johnson?
- My Bo Johnson? - "My"?
Should it bother me that you're this
jealous of an old crush?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Bo is straight.
He'd probably never go for me.
Oh, my gosh, it is Bo!
Look, he's hotter than ever.
- I'm gonna answer it. - No, you can't.
Yes, I can. We're practically family.
Hey, dude. It's Cam.
Where?
Been good -- been real, real good.
So, you and Pam, huh?
Hey, better be good to my old sis,
or I'll have to wrestle you down.
- Oh, my God. - Hey, question --
Do you still have that friendship bracelet
that I made for you?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, okay, if you're busy, I'll have Pam
call you back.
Hey, and, Bo, congratulations.
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You too.
- Can you believe it? - Oh, and we're gay
again.
It just doesn't make sense.
I mean, he's got to be after our drilling
rights.
I knew it.
This is why I didn't want to tell you.
I knew you couldn't stand the thought
of me landing the man of your dreams!
"Dreams" is strong.
Believe it or not, Bo and I are in love.
He thinks I'm beautiful, and he's right.
And for the record, Bo has twice the land
we do.
He has absolutely no interest in my
drilling rights!
Not that kind, at least.
Okay, let's just relax.
Hey, hey, come on, Pam, do you want to pick
me up again?
- They warned me, you know. - Who warned
you?
The whole family said you wouldn't take it
well.
Ever since you moved to the city
'cause you couldn't hack it on the farm.
- "Couldn't hack it"? - Yeah, that's right.
Everyone knows, Cam, you're not farm
strong.
You take that back, Pameron Jessica Tucker!
I will not! You are weak and weepy.
That's why we can't ever say anything to
you
'cause we know you'll crumble into a big
heaping mess!
Oh, are you saying I'm the one people have
to step around --
that I'm the Pam of the family?
You mean the Cam of the family?!
'cause that's what we all call it!
Okay, that's enough!
That's enough! That's enough!
You know what? Well, I was gammy's
favorite!
- That's enough! - Really?

- Yeah! - Come on! Enough!
No!
Seriously -- Pameron?
Oh! Way to go, Luke!
- The kid's amazing. - Amazing.
- So great. - Right? Hello?
- Claire? - Phil?
Oh, hi, honey, I was -- I was just about
to call you.
I killed a bunch of baby birds.
- What? - My robot wiped out the nest.
And now the mom's just staring at me.
They recognize faces, you know.
I saw it in a documentary.
Sweetie, I'm sure it was just an accident.
None of this would have happened
if we'd just gone to Luke's game.
- We're terrible parents for not going. -
No. No.
Was that a whistle? Where are you?
Um, I-I'm just walking by a construction
site.
Pervs!
Sorry. Sorry. Not you.
I hope Luke's not mad at us.
No, he's fine, honey.
Or he's not. He -- he could be mad.
We don't know. We won't -- we won't know.
I'll -- I'll be home soon, though.
I love you. Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you. It was great.
Hey, Luke, Luke, Luke,
Don't tell your dad I was here, all right?
Great game.
Claire?
Claire?
Say good night to daddy.
Mwah! Good night, my boy.
Hey, grandpa, great word you played earlier
today.
What does "Syzygy" even mean?
It means 45 points. Ha!
Hey, everybody, you remember my sister,
Pam.
Oh, hi, Pam.
She's here to pay a visit and cast
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【770】-
Modern.Family.S05E04
aspersions.
- Oh, grow up. - You grow up.
Real good one.
Hi, y'all. I brought boar.
Oh. Well, let me give you a hand with that.
Cam, look, I know you're upset,
But please just try and let it go tonight.
Well, can you believe she said I'm the
emotionally fragile one?
I mean, how crazy is that?
- Boy. - "Boy"?
Is that your thinly veiled
way of saying you agree with her?
Okay, you know what?
If I was fragile, I would care,
but I'm not, so I don't.
- Good. - Good.
And you know what? That shirt washes you
out,
so don't be shocked when someone mistakes
you for a beige candle.
Hey, everyone.
- Hi, Luke. - Hey, buddy.
I'm so sorry I missed your game.
We are both so sorry we missed your game.
The universe punished me.
I did something awful to a bunch of baby
crows.
Actually, it's not a bunch of crows.,
It's called a murder.
I know what I did!
- How was your game? - Fine. Nothing
special.
What do you mean, "Fine, nothing special"?
Well, there was this girl on the
16-year-old team
who wasn't wearing a bra.
So that was cool.
But Josh's mom texted me.
She said you were having a great game.
She drinks.
I-I'll be right back.
- Hey, Phil. - Hey, Pam.
Oh. Sorry.
It's my parents again.
I'm getting married soon,

and they're already acting like they have
empty nest syndrome.
I appreciate you not saying
anything to your dad about me being there,
but why aren't you telling him what a great
game you played?
I can tell he feels bad enough for missing
it.
I don't want to make him feel worse.
I screwed up.
Why? What's wrong?
I talked Phil into skipping Luke's game,
and then I went, and, of course, he played
the game of his life.
But Luke doesn't want to
tell Phil about the game now
because he doesn't want to hurt his
feelings.
Oh, well, I think it's sweet that Luke's
protecting Phil.
You know, we all have to protect my sister
in my family
because she's a disaster.
I mean, you can see it, right?
I think it was a little weird she brought
pig to a party.
Hey! I can say it.
Hey, hon.
I'm sorry about what I did before.
I saw this, and I thought it would look
beautiful on you.
You know I can't stay mad at you
when you buy me...
glasses, you son of a bitch!
Just try 'em on. You'll still look
gorgeous.
I will try them on when you buy hearing
aids!
There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
Um, I have a, uh, hearing-test app on my
phone.
Let's do it!
- You do it! - Okay.
Everybody under the age of 60 should be able
to hear this.
- Yes. Heard that. - Yeah, definitely.
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Modern.Family.S05E04
What? You're lying. You didn't hear
anything.
We did! You see, you're deaf!
Okay, 70.
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Oh, what is th-- did she put you up to this?
Here, grandpa, I'll play you something even
louder.
Okay, I heard that one.
I didn't press anything.
Oh, look who's a cheater.
Don't worry about it, big guy.
I have trouble smelling lemons.
You know, I don't need any of this.
But I'll tell you what I can hear loud and
clear.
The sound of you all munching free food.
Oh, come on, dad,
aren't you being a little oversensitive?
Oh, well, we can consult my sister, Pam.
She's the self-appointed sensitivity
expert.
- Oh, let it go. - I will not let it go.
In fact, I would like
everyone to be honest with me, please,
right now.
No sugar-coating.
My sister here seems to think you all
- have to walk on eggshells around me. -
Eggshells.
Do you all think I'm so fragile
you can't tell me things
for fear of how I will react?
- Well. - Claire, don't. Zip. Bup-bup-bup.
No, let her talk, please.
Claire, you have the floor.
W-well, you're not not fragile.
Okay, well, why don't you give me an example
of something you haven't told me
because you were worried I couldn't handle
it?
Go on.
All right.
Last week when we were supposed to have
lunch
and you canceled...

Beyonce was at the restaurant.
Okay. The singer or Pepper's dog?
The singer.
And when I was leaving,
I-I-I stopped and I said hello to her
and we chatted for like 10 minutes.
Okay, that's great.
I'm glad you had that experience?
I mean, I don't know what you talked to her
about,
seeing that you don't know any of her songs
other than "Single ladies,"
Which everyone knows.
- I love that song. － I'm surprised you can
hear it.
Well, this was fun. Who's hungry?
Hey, where's that boar?
Okay, anyone else?
Well, since we're coming clean,
you overuse the word "Divine."
It's just an ice-cream sandwich.
You're the boy who cried "Divine."
Okay. Was not aware of that.
- Duly noted. - Hey, I got one.
Remember that blue rotary phone you gave
me for Christmas?
- Yes. - I tossed it.
Okay. May I ask the reason?
It made me feel like
Ann-Margret in "Bye-bye Birdie."
- Why?! - Okay, anyone else?
I don't really like the
- shirts with the crazy cuffs. - Oh, I'm
sorry.
Can you push your boobs down?
Because I couldn't hear you.
- Here we go. - No, no, here we don't go.
This is fine. I'm fine, okay?
Sometimes when you read to me,
I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go.
I heard that one.
Well, I heard you all loud and clear.
I have to use the restroom.
So, Cam, you're sensitive.
Big deal. It's one of your best qualities.
Thank you, Phil,
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and I'm sorry your Beyonce-loving wife
went to Luke's game without you.
See? Farm strong!
You went to Luke's game?
I did, Phil, and I am so sorry.
I did not mean to.
But then he started playing the most
amazing game,
and I got so wrapped up in it.
I know I should have called.
Yeah, you should've called.
You were amazing?
Oh, he was incredible. I wish you'd been
there.
Then why'd you make me skip it?!
I knew you had it in you!
Oh, coach said he's gonna start next week.
You're starting? I'm so mad at you!
I'm so proud of you!
- Hey, how are you doing in here? - Fine.
I'm a little embarrassed about my outburst,
but otherwise...
You had a lot to take in.
As a lawyer, I should've told you,
never ask questions you don't want the
answer to.
Am I really that much of a mess?
Are you not listening to me?
- Hey. Room in here for me? - Not really.
Look, I'm real sorry I said what I said.
No, no, you're right.
I am the Cam of the family.
Apparently, I'm the Cam of two families,
so...
So what if you go a little cuckoo
when you get bad news?
You also go all cuckoo when you hear good
news.
It's one of the things I love most about
you.
No, that's -- that's true.
You're the -- you're the first person I call
when I have good news.
I mean, remember when I got my adult braces
removed?
Your teeth look divi-- divine.
 Modern.Family.S05E04
See? I can't help it. I'm a celebrator. Listen, one day you might be the smartest
Of course you are. person in this family,
And I should have celebrated how lucky Bo but today is not that day.
is So tread lightly before you assiduously
to land a great gal like you. malign
Look at me. I'm crying like a Cam. the veracity of my etymological prowess.
Sorry, old habits. Jay Pritchett out.
- Are you mad because I embarrassed you? You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
- Forget about it. Damn it!
And I'm gonna ease up on the glasses, too.
It's just that I worry, you know,
you're not seeing everything.
I'm getting old, Jay.
When Manny was little,
I used to run around with him all day
without getting tired.
Today at Joe's baby class,
a 6-year-old had to pull me out of the ball
pit.
Hold on. Manny used to run around?
All the mothers are so young and perky.
I hate being the oldest one there.
Well, I for one love that you're getting
older.
It makes me feel closer to you.
So you'll like it if I get all wrinkly and
saggy?
Well, I wouldn't make it a goal.
Okay, I'll wear them.
What?
Nothing.
You have lines there.
I can see them very clearly now with these
--
Okay, okay, these are just for reading.
I won't be able to hear her.
She won't be able to see me.
We'll be together forever.
Congratulations.
You officially beat me in "Words with
friends."
Better luck next time, kid.
Okay, I have to ask -- did you cheat?
Is that how you won?
I never took you for a sore loser.
That's not an answer.

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-【773】-

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Gloria, honey!
I'm ready whenever you are!
We should hurry. The reservation's at 7:00.
Claire, where are you?
Okay, see you in two.
What are you doing?
I'm striking a seductive pose for your
mother.
Gross. But I like the suit. Is that new?
Oh, yeah.
Now that his honey gots her own money,
daddy went and snagged hisself some new
threads, girl.
Hands down, your funniest voice.
Bordering on the offensive.
Listen, I'm a realtor,
and I work a lot with families,
so normally, I dial the sexy back to five,
but Claire's been working very hard lately.
So tonight...
Stick around if you want to see
your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth.
Not unless you want to see my lunch fall
out of mine.
Oh, I'm sorry I am late.
Traffic was horrible.
Sounds like someone could use a tall drink
of water.
Yeah, right. Water.
Luke, what did I tell you about
leaning back on that thing?
I don't know. "Don't"?
Honey, what are you still doing here?
You're supposed to be babysitting Joe.
Yeah, but I have to drop off Alex to watch
Lily first,
and she's still not ready.
She can't be concerned about her looks,
right?
- I can hear you! - I'm kidding.
I'm just saying,
it'd be sad to think she actually tries.
- Heard that, too! - It was a joke!
Man, do big ears actually hear better?
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-【774】-
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Oh, my God, just stop talking.
Okay, girls.
It's time for you guys to hit the road.
Okay, bye.
- Oh, yeah, bye. - Bye.
Why aren't you going with them?
He wanted to stay home.
I said it was okay.
- By himself? - It's fine.
If he's old enough to watch "The Walking
Dead" with me...
- He's not. - then he's old enough
- to stay home alone. - He's not.
Claire, he's not a little boy anymore.
I'm fine.
See how deep his voice is?
Are you okay?!
Oh, this is Haley.
"Be there in 5. Alex took ducking forever."
Oh, it's fine. You know what?
We have to pick the "Save the date" card.
I'm at a loss.
Can we just do it tomorrow?
I hate the way my dad looks at us when we're
late,
like we're two silly queens
blasting disco music,
primping, losing track of time.
Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh?
Okay, quick. Which one do you like?
- Uh, that one. - Really?
I think you picked too quick.
No, I didn't. I really like that one.
I really like this one.
Well, then, why did you ducking ask me?
Fine, goes with yours.
Well, if that's the one you really like.
Can you just get ready?
Yeah. Lily, hit it.
On it!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
I've never seen you so excited about a
restaurant.
I've waited six weeks for this reservation.
They have an Australian Wagyu beef
that's supposed to change your life.
 Modern.Family.S05E05
In the way heart disease changes your life? We didn't leave her. We forgot her.
Because you're a pillar of health. And when we got home, she was fine.
They only feed this cow alfalfa, barley, Physically.
and red wine, Plus, she's still friends with
and some chef hand-picks each cut, that sweet 911 operator.
dry ages it 35 days Yeah.
before cooking it to a perfect medium-rare, What are you doing?
all for me. Making sure Luke knows
Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk? what to do in case of emergency.
It's not "The Far Dide." The cow doesn't Of course he does.
drive anywhere. Someone's at the door!
Gloria! Luke, it's just your mom testing you.
Let's go! Don't worry, mom.
You know she's not here, right? If I hear that while you're gone,
What? I won't answer.
She's having her hair blown out. I'll just hide where no one can find me.
That's a thing? Cam, come on, let's go.
That I pay for? Two seconds.
Gloria's always late. I thought that being with a man
Then I get mad and tell her to hurry. meant that I wouldn't have to wait around
We yell, and it just takes longer. like this.
So I promised myself, no matter how late I feel cheated. I do.
she is, Let's play dolls.
just to take some deep breaths and stay Actually, I want to read you one of my
calm. favorite books.
That's the only thing I learned in lamaze It's called "Little Women," and it's about
class four sisters
because we were always late. who overcome poverty and the patriarchy...
Hi! Everybody's running like crazy Nope! Dolls.
tonight. This is Ashley. She's a wife.
I took San Vicente thinking that I was gonna Well, I hope that's not the only thing that
save some time, defines her.
but then they're working on the sewer. Does she have a career?
So I went around Montana, Nope, she shops. Where's Haley?
down Moreno. How come it takes me five minutes to get
But then there's that dip in the road. ready,
I always forget about that dip in the road. and you take forever?
I hit it so hard that I spilled the coffee Oh, please. I could get ready in five
all over the car. minutes, too,
Did I tell you who I had coffee with? if I dressed like --
I think Luke is scared to be left in the You did it again.
house alone, Not changing.
and he's just pretending to be brave for Fasten your seatbelts.
you. It's going to be a crazy night.
Honey, he's 14. No, honey, it's gonna be a bumpy night.
We left Alex alone when she was 10. Remember, you can't have two dads

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-【775】-

and make that mistake.
Bumpy night.
Okay, so how often does this happen?
Too often.
Men just don't have that many options.
I can't tell you the number of times
I've walked by a women's boutique
and just thought, "What I would do
to have that many choices."
Don't ever say that again.
I don't like any part of it.
All right, one of us has to change.
We look like twin toddlers at church.
Yeah, tell me about it.
And this place we're going is supposed to
be super hip.
We're probably gonna run into someone.
And come on. I don't have that many outfits.
My clothes take up exactly one-quarter of
the closet.
That's not fair. My clothes are bigger than
yours.
All right, I hate to play this card,
but I was dressed first. So...
Oh, that is silly.
Lily, it's time to play "Who wore it best?"
No, I'm not doing this again. I can't.
Fine. Alex.
Uh, I don't know.
Boys' clothes aren't really my thing.
Really?
I don't get it.
Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?
- Thank you. - Honest to God.
Have neither of you seen a cow?
They're huge.
I bet tequila would do it quicker.
It's not the goal to get the cow drunk.
You got to be kidding me.
Manny, see why your mother's taking so
long.
And don't tell her I sent you.
Mom! Hurry!
Don't yell. I could have yelled.
- Then why didn't you? - Because I didn't
want to yell.
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-【776】-
Modern.Family.S05E05
- I want you to go. - Why can't you go?
Why can't you do what I ask?
I'm trying to do something new here!
Stop yelling, Jay! I'm ready!
Oh, geez.
Haley, Manny knows where all the baby stuff
is,
and if Joe won't go to bed,
just put on Gladys Knight
and bounce him around a little bit.
Oh, you still do that?
I loved when you did that with us.
How about that?
Somebody in this family remembers a nice
thing I did.
I remember something nice you did.
You bought me this dress yesterday when you
were working.
How do I look?
Gorgeous. Let's go!
You didn't even look at me. Haley.
Well, "A," your hair looks amazing,
like you just got off a horse.
That's exactly what I was going for.
But if I had one thought...
No! No thoughts.
...are those for sure the best earrings?
They seem to be kind of getting lost.
I have the same color in a bigger size.
- How much bigger? - Like a meter.
A meter? That's like a foot.
Actually, it's like a yard.
Oh, sorry -- it's like a millimeter.
You mean a centimeter.
All this math. Just show me.
- Gloria! - What?
I think the new earrings
are really gonna tie your whole outfit
together.
You're so sweet!
Wow. That was very mature of you.
Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now
than when she started getting dressed.
So this sound...
...that's the doorbell.
That other sound was the smoke alarm.
 Modern.Family.S05E05
Got it. It's blue.
Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a Yeah, this one's so yellow.
pizza. Oh, you know what?
They don't screen those delivery guys. I have a stain on this one. I can't wear
Half of them are ex-cons. it.
Stop it. You're gonna scare him. It's gonna Oh, paisley, yeah. I don't know.
be fine. Are you kidding me right now?!
But if you do choke, you've gotta throw - What? - I know this trick, Cam.
yourself You take forever to pick out an outfit,
against the back of a chair to get the food knowing very well that I'll say, "Let's
out. just go,"
He'll just drink stuff. because we're late.
Nothing from under the sink. Meantime, you get credit for offering to
Even if it's lemony? change
I'm just messing with you. while I'm the one who actually does.
In case of fire, go low and get out. - As usual. - Excuse me.
In case of earthquake -- Are you accusing me of manipulating you to
Wait. You think there could be an get my way?
earthquake? Actually...
The last time we had one, that big cabinet Because that's what my mother used to
fell on me. accuse me of,
- No, it didn't. - It did?! and I got to say
Let's go. that that brings up a lot of stuff with me.
Bye, honey, we love you. You're crying without tears.
Do you have the keys? Give me a minute.
We're gonna check in. I promise! "'Christmas won't be Christmas without any
Uhh, what's going on? presents,'
New suit? "Grumbled Jo.
This old thing? 'it's so dreadful to be poor,' sighed --"
Yes, it is. Stop! I hate this.
I got it at this hipster place downtown. Can I put makeup on you?
You like it? Why does everyone ask me that?
It's tight. Let's just have a good time tonight, all
Well, the salesman said it was the style, right?
and he looked like a Mumford and Son, - I'm not mad. - Okay, good.
so I think he'd know. And you do look super-duper handsome in
Mm, let's go. that.
Slow down, Flo Jo. Don't even.
You know what? We don't have time for this. I'm gonna grab a water for the road.
I'll just change. Yeah, get me a soda.
Well, now I feel bad. Let's both just Okay, Alex. Thank you so much.
change. Have a fun night.
That's the fair thing to do. Honey, we love you.
Okay, fine. But quickly, pLemony - Here you go. -All right. Thank you.
Snicketlease. Okay, and remember, no eating in the living
I don't know. room.

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-【777】-

Aah! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
What did you do? What did you do?!
Come on! You can't possibly think --
You shook this can
so you could wear the outfit that I wanted
to wear?
That is exactly what I think!
That is insane.
You saw me take it from the refrigerator
- and bring it to you. - Did I?
Or were you out of my sight for the two
seconds
that it took you to get from the
refrigerator to here,
which would have given you exactly the
right amount of time
to shake the can?
Nice theory, Nancy Grace, but I'm not that
petty.
Okay, you two. Did you see anything?
Just pretend you're coloring.
Okay, what are you doing?
I'm trying to reach the mirror.
I got something in my eye.
Hi, you've reached the Dunphys.
Why isn't Luke picking up?
It's hard to reach the phone
when you're tied up by a recently paroled
pizza guy.
Ha ha. You're very funny.
What are you doing?
I know it sounds weird.
Call it mother's intuition,
but I just have this feeling that something
is wrong.
Fine, do what you want,
but I've just about had it up to --
higher than here with this.
Die, pizza man!
Stop! Stop!
Oh. Sorry, mom.
Told you he could take care of himself.
Move.
Why does she do this?
We're gonna lose our table.
She knows how important it is to me to be
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-【778】-
Modern.Family.S05E05
on time.
This is torture.
I think you've lost perspective, Jay.
You know what I would give to wait around
for a woman like that?
Reel it in, creepy.
That's your mother up there.
Sorry, sorry.
Once I changed the earrings, I had to change
the shoes.
And then I tried on one of Gloria's old
dresses,
which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy.
Ay, your body's beautiful.
I agree.
Take it outside the family.
Okay, we ready to go?
Wait. I have the wrong lipstick.
Oh! That's it! I've had it!
Just one minute!
Nothing takes a minute with you.
We're leaving right now.
I don't care what you have to do.
It's bad enough you're being rude to me,
but you're being rude
to the people sitting there waiting for us!
Sorry, you're the first to arrive,
and we can't seat you till everyone's here.
I hope you're happy!
Where the hell is everybody?
Yes, I hate waiting like this.
Do you?
Just because everybody else is late
doesn't make it okay for us to be late.
I can't get ready fast with all the yelling!
I wasn't yelling.
You see, you're doing it again!
Gloria, you do this every single time.
If you know how long it takes you to get
ready,
why don't you start earlier?
I have my reasons.
I would love to know them.
You're going to be mean.
I promise I won't be.
I like to make an entrance.

What's that, now?
I like the part where I go in,
and everybody's waiting for me,
and they say,
"Gloria, you look so pretty,
and that dress is so beautiful."
Is that so bad?
I don't love it.
Oh, this room is so nice.
I know. It's almost as gorgeous as -- you
monster!
What? Oh, this?
Well, you know, you couldn't wear it,
so I figured, what's the harm?
Mm. Okay, you know what? I will go over
there,
and I will be as socially magnetic as I
always am.
We will put this on the back burner,
but underneath, I want you to know, I am
fuming.
Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?
She's -- she was there a second --
There are my boys!
Gloria, you look so pretty.
That dress is so beautiful.
You got to be kidding me.
You let him watch those scary shows with
you,
and then we leave him home alone at night.
Of course he's gonna arm himself.
He was fine until you gave him your "50 Ways
to Die" speech.
What was the one about the welcome mat?
They are highly flammable.
For seven to ten people a year,
they may as well say, "Welcome to the
morgue."
You know what? Drop it.
I don't want to fight in public.
- It's embarrassing. - Fine.
Hi, how are you?
Good evening. Good.
Oh, my leg's asleep!
My leg's asleep! Okay, thank you.
Sir, if the rest of your party doesn't
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-【779】-
Modern.Family.S05E05
arrive soon,
we have to give up your table.
Any minute.
Again, dad, sorry we're late.
Yeah, you know, Mitchell put on some music,
and we were primping and dancing around,
and I guess, well, we just lost track of
time.
Actually, dad, what happened
was Cam was practicing this trick
where he pretends to be accommodating
and then magically gets his way.
There they are.
We need a second.
Oh, Cam, no.
Where are you guys going?
Can't talk. Too mad.
Oh, God.
Hi, dad.
Where's Gloria?
She -- for the love of --
There you are!
Oh, my goodness! That dress!
Gloria, holy mackerel.
We're so sorry we're late.
We had to drop Luke off at your place.
Phil wanted him to stay home alone, but he
got scared.
Man, I can't wait to get some food
in my mouth and yours.
Poor Haley.
What is she going to do with all those boys?
*I'll be with him*
*I know you will*
*On that midnight train to Georgia*
*Leaving on the midnight train to Georgia*
You know what?
I resent the implication that I always get
my way.
Really? The "Save the date" cards.
For our wedding?
Oh. So, it is still our wedding.
I wasn't sure I was even invited
because you keep asking for my opinion
and then doing the exact opposite.
- That's one thing. - What about the music?

I think our love deserves a band, not a D.J.
The tablecloths.
They make sneakers out of that fabric.
You won't let me pick one thing, and you
want to know why?
Because I have better taste than you.
I was gonna say because you're a control
freak.
And how can you think that I have bad taste?
We chose the exact same outfit.
Did we?
I wore fun loafers.
You wore sensible oxfords.
Your collar's buttoned down.
Mine's a more current widespread.
And I chose a bold pocket square
to bring out the stripe in the shirt,
all of which you wouldn't have thought of.
Because, well, I've already said.
You don't like my oxfords?
I'm sorry. I'm being harsh.
- They're fine. - Thank you.
For a small-town detective.
Okay, look. I can't help myself. I did it
again.
So, I-I don't love them.
But I do love you.
And I don't want you to feel left out.
Okay. Then let me have a say in planning
our wedding.
That's what we agreed to.
You will, and you should, and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Can you just do one thing for me?
Sure.
Just be honest, and I'll let this go
forever.
Did you shake that can?
No.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
See, Phil?
They don't let Manny stay home alone.
Why do you think Haley's there?
Actually, we let Manny stay home all the
time,
and sometimes, he makes cupcakes,
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-【780】-
Modern.Family.S05E05
which I could use one right about now --
or a potato.
Haley's there to take care of Joe.
Are you sure, guys?
'cause Claire's always right about
everything
all the time, forever and ever.
Thank god. Here they are.
Fiona, we're all here.
Actually, dad, we could use a moment.
I'm going to eat my hand.
"Jo immediately sat up,
"put her hands in her pockets, and began
to whistle.
"Don't, Jo. It's so boyish."
"That's why I do it."
"I detest rude, unladylike girls."
"I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits."
Okay, this stinks. I give up.
Thank god.
Want to see your hair?
Lily, that's actually good.
Can you really do makeup?
Stay there.
Is it really too much to ask that you
consult me
before you make such a big decision?
Claire, when you went back to work,
you asked me to take the reins.
So I think you need to trust me now.
Do you really think I'd put Luke in a
dangerous situation?
He's my favorite, which I did not just say.
- If anything happens to him... - It won't.
If you haven't noticed, I'm pretty good at
this,
as hard as it is for you to pay me a
compliment.
Where is that coming from?
Well, do you like this suit?
I wouldn't know
because all you said was, "It's tight,"
and not in a cool black way.
Wait, a-are you trying to say
that you squeezed yourself in that for me?
Yes.

You've been a little distracted at work,
so I wanted to look nice for you.
Oh, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
You're right.
Luke probably would have been fine,
and I am having a hard time letting go.
And if there's one person in the world I
trust, it is you.
And?
And...you look hot in that suit.
When we get home later...
Okay, you're actually gonna need to stop.
This suit can't get any tighter.
Hey, we're back.
Nobody goes anywhere.
Everybody hold hands, and we go right to
the table.
Fiona?
Actually, we just gave away your table.
I'm sorry, but I did warn you about this.
Listen to me, Fiorina.
This man has been waiting
to eat in this restaurant for months!
We were all selfish, and we made him late.
And maybe I got a little crazy,
but I'm gonna think about that later.
But he has done nothing wrong!
So we're not gonna leave this place
until he eats that drunk cow
that he can't shut up his mouth about!
Why you haven't moved?
Last night, I had the greatest meal I've
ever had,
and it never would have happened
if Gloria hadn't got us kicked out
of that snooty restaurant.
Tacos.
- Tacos. - I need a taco.
- Yes. - Taco truck!
That is delicious.
No, but seriously, who looks better?
I don't know if it was the six scotches I
drank
waiting for everybody,
or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything
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since breakfast...
or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up.
They even played my favorite song.
*He's leaving*
*Leaving*
*On that midnight train to Georgia*
*Leaving on the midnight train*
*Said he's going back to find*
*Going back to find*
*the simpler place and time*
*Oh, yes, he is*
*And I'll be with him*
*Yes, he will*
*On that midnight train to Georgia*
A train I'd never make
unless I told Gloria it left at 11:00.
*I'd rather live in his world*
*than live without him in mine*
Here you go.
I didn't know what you wanted to drink,
so I just got you this soda.
That's fine. Thank you.
Cam, what did you do?
I did exactly what you did
because I know you so well.
I didn't shake the soda.
Then you have nothing to worry about,
so go ahead and open it.
I shook it, okay?
I shook the soda. I shook it up!
Are you happy?
It was petty and stupid and awful.
I'm sorry.
Damn it.

Modern.Family.S05E06
No begging. No begging.
Stella, you're breaking my heart here.
What's breaking your heart is that sausage
and bacon.
Can't you just pick one?
Don't worry. I'm gonna burn it off
on the golf course.
How, Jay?
By riding the little cart
or by kicking the ball back into play?
Here. I'm gonna take Joe Fulgencio to the
park.
Can you please stop by the grocery store?
Why doesn't the nanny do this?
You got to be kidding me!
Gloria has fired five nannies.
I don't like another woman in my house.
I want to be the star.
Stars have nannies.
You know that some of this is Manny's fault.
Manny!
So, Marie, what do you feel like doing for
dinner tonight?
You're eating Dyno-Bites
because you are a little boy.
Mom!
I'm telling you, there's an embarrassing
press conference in that kid's future.
We're getting married in seven months.
Or eight months.
I worry about it raining in april.
Well, I worry about me sweating in may.
Oh, well, we can't decide on anything.
There -- there are too many choices.
Fortunately, one of our best friends
is an event planner.
- Pepper! - Pepper!
*Here come the grooms*
*All dressed in fun tuxes from my Pepper
collection*
Ha, wow -- look at all your ideas.
Honey, this is just the index.
Ronaldo!
I brought linens and place settings
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and invitations and stemware.
Hello. I'm Ronaldo.
Oh, don't be such a chatterbox.
And go and fetch the platter box.
Now, let's lose this couch.
Wow, you need that much space, huh?
No, it's hideous.
This can't be news to you.
You're ruining my life!
These eggs are delicious.
What life?! Get out of my room!
I put milk in them.
It's not your room anymore!
Well, they sure are fluffy.
Mom!
- Hey, dad. - Morning, troops.
Claire, I owe you a pack of lady razors.
I'm just gonna go stand out in the yard.
Seriously, get out!
I told you it's not your room!
Tension between Haley and Alex
has been getting pretty high,
so our solution was to move Haley down to
the basement,
which we were just about to do --
When my dad came out for a weekend visit.
Two weekends ago.
After my mom passed away,
he dated this woman named Annie,
and she broke up with him,
and then he seemed kind of down,
so I invited him out.
Gross! Those are my socks!
They are not! Mom!
I'm just gonna pop outside.
I should get her a rake.
Welcome to King's landing!
I am the evil boy king,
and I want your heads!
Oh, look how much they all love you.
Ohh, thanks.
I'm just trying to match the energy
of their video games and whosits and
whatnots.
So, I'm gonna play tennis.
I can pick you up at noon.

- Oh, hi! Joan, right? - Yes.
Hi. I'm Andy.
I'm her manny -- male nanny.
Hi, I'm Gloria.
This might just sound a little crazy,
but I don't think Joan likes me.
Oh, that's not crazy. She doesn't.
Her husband's always staring at you,
and she's worried you're gonna steal him.
- What?! - Be happy, little guy.
This world belongs to you.
I would never steal anybody else's man,
especially not her fat husband.
Hey, he's not fat anymore.
I helped him lose 30 pounds.
Thank you, Andy.
Careful.
If I bring you home scratched,
I lose my deposit.
I'm kind of a chef, too.
Here, try this.
It's quinoa.
You actually burn calories while eating I--
So, Andy, tell me,
are you really happy with that Joan?
Every wedding is unique, like a snowflake.
And my job is to give you
the snowflake that makes everyone die with
jealousy.
That's all we ever wanted.
So, let's start with a color palette.
I'm thinking...
Purple.
- Purple! That is a color! - Wow!
We don't love -- yeah, we don't love purple.
Not our favorite, but...
- Excuse me? - Well, it's just that purple
might be a little bit bold for --
No, I get it. You think I'm an idiot.
- No. No! - No, we don't, Pepper.
Well, obviously, you know better than I.
After all, I've only put on
hundreds of magnificent weddings.
Come, Ronaldo.
They're not interested in planning a
wedding.
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They're interested in hurting people.
No, Pepper. Pepper, wait.
No, Pepper, wait. Listen. No, no.
We can consider purple.
This is just a lot for us to take in.
Of course. I get it. I...
Let the idea wash over you for a bit.
We had also discussed a more neutral
palette.
Ronaldo! They're washing!
I'm sorry. He means well.
Now, let's talk about your entrance.
Yes. Entrance.
The idea of two men being able to marry
seemed like a fantasy,
so I see you riding down the purple aisle
on a...
...unicorn.
Are you sure, grandpa? It might be fun.
Sorry, Luke. I just don't think I have it
in me today.
Did you see that?
When has your dad ever
not wanted to pull Luke's finger?
He's hurting, Phil.
I think he needs to see a therapist.
Claire, he doesn't need a therapist.
Why? Honey, that's what they do.
They help people cope with loss.
They'll even come to the house if we need
them to.
I should talk to my dad. You know what?
He was pretty down after the divorce.
- I bet he has some insight. - Yeah, 'cause
your dad's
so in touch with people's feelings?
When a man is overcome with emotion
at a Celine Dion concert,
- you do not tell him to grow a pair! - Phil!
The ship went down, but their love lasts
forever!
Dad? Hi.
Yeah, listen. Uh, Frank is really
depressed.
I think he should see a therapist.
- What do you say? - He doesn't need any
 Modern.Family.S05E06
of that! I didn't even bring my phone today.
Yeah? Uh-huh. T-that's exactly what I said. I know what you're doing.
- Give me that. - I-I... We are gonna talk about it.
Jay, what did you just say? Okay, well, you have my number, so I can
Take him out and meet some women. start tomorrow.
1,000 therapists couldn't do what Gloria - Call me. - I will!
did for me. Take care!
Oh, I agree. Claire was wrong. That's a nonstarter. Keep looking.
I'll tell you what. I know a fun place. But he's perfect.
Tonight, you, me, and Frank out on the town. He's a man. It's weird.
Oh, fun! A three-way! He's a weird man.
I already regret this. He's like Phil, only I have to pay for him.
Well, I'm excited, too. I got to get going, This is not a dictatorship! It's a
though. democracy!
All right. Bye. We vote!
Gloria, we're back! No way. You always bully Manny, and he
Here! Let me lighten your load. caves.
- Who are you? - I'm the new manny. He's weak.
Am I being replaced? No offense.
Jay, Manny, meet Joe's new manny, Andy. Whoever thinks that we should hire Andy,
- Can I talk to you a second? -No, thank raise the hand!
you. No, sorry, mom. Not this time.
We're gonna need to discuss this. I can't have that energy in my house.
I get it. I understand it's a big decision. Fine. Cook your own dinner!
But if it eases your mind at all, We will. We'll be fine.
know that I'm not just here for baby Joe. So, what are we having?
I'm here for you, too. You're on your own, kid. I'm going out
Doesn't ease my mind at all. tonight.
My mission is to make all of your lives So, what do you think?
happier and healthier. I like it.
Is this because I ate that party sub? Also, is it a little Willy Wonka?,
Ohh! Crackers! You're tired. I'll come back tomorrow
I left my phone upstairs in the nursery. when you're ready to be more constructive.
Could you grab it for me? - Pepper, no. - Pepper.
I know people get all squirrelly Ronaldo, strike this.
when they hear the word "Healthy." Sorry. I thought I was wearing a cape today.
Actually, Manny? My phone is in my pocket. Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Sorry, bud. Ohh. What are we gonna do?
But my goal is to get you healthy without I-I think we have to fire Pepper.
-- That would kill him.
Nope! - He's on the brink as it is. - Why?
It is just a pack of gum. Since the proposition ocho was
My phone is still upstairs. overturned,,
-- without you even realizing what's he's done 50 gay weddings.
happening. The man is exhausted, searching for new
Wow. I'm such a dodo. ideas.

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-【784】-
 Modern.Family.S05E06
You said "Ocho" Oh, my god. I don't know why I'm so nervous.
and then you said "50." - Hello, ladies. - Not interested.
You see? Gays are so nit-picky. Wow. I-I just said hello.
In a straight wedding, We're just kind of having a girls' night.
you just have to please the bride, Kathy, be nice. I'm marcy.
But the gays have such strong opinions! I'm Jay. This is Frank and, uh, Phil.
It takes a toll on a great artist Hey-lo. I mean hey. Or hello.
like Pepper Saltzman. I don't know.
You know, I've never thought of it that way. And for the record, i just wanted to
I mean, look at us. We can't agree on one introduce my friend.
thing. I wasn't trying to pick you up or anything.
No, you're right. I'm heartbroken.
I mean, Cam wants a rustic country theme, We don't mean to disturb you.
and I'm looking for something Oh, you're not disturbing us.
a little more contemporary and You have sweet eyes.
sophisticated. Thank you. I'm from Florida.
And it's impossible. I love Florida!
But you can have both. Would you like to sit down, Frank?
Casual elegance, classic with a twist. Well, I, uh -- yeah, sure.
Go on. Oh, my god. It's happening.
I'd start with raw, natural-linen table For your information, I'm married to a
runners gorgeous woman.
to bring the two worlds together. Dad, Jay and I
We eschew the classic round tables - are gonna grab a drink from the bar. -
for rectangular farm tables, Sure.
but keep the setting clean and modern. I think I have a picture of her here on this
And then... somewhere.
Yes! Let’s go, Jay.
No, I mustn't. This is wrong. Yeah, she won beauty pageants.
Pepper is my boss and my mentor! Okay. I'm a catch.
Oh, and he's our friend. What are we doing? Let's get out of here. This place is dead,
We -- we got caught up. We gave in to anyway.
temptation. Hey, there's Casanova!
I-I should go. I didn't hear you come in last night.
- Don't! - I must. So -- so, uh, how did it go with Marcy?
Vintage handkerchiefs for the guests to cry Oh, it was okay.
into. But I actually met someone else
Ronaldo, wait! while I was waiting for a taxi.
French bistro stemless wine glasses. Well, all right.
I've said too much. And she's downstairs right now.
Ronaldo! Well, all right.
He's gone, Cam. Truth is, I, um, have a bit of a situation.
Guys, we can't stand around all night. She says I owe her $500.
At some point, we have to talk to somebody. Please tell me you broke something of hers.
Now, come on. How about those two? No, turns out she's a hooker.
Let's go over there. You picked up a hooker?

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-【785】-

Well, I didn't know she was a hooker.
We're in my kitchen. We have to stop saying
"Hooker"!
You got to get her out of here
before Claire gets back from yoga.
She's not gonna leave until she gets the
cash.
$500? I think you got ripped off.
- Hey, can I have a hit of that coffee? -
Oh, that's fine.
Trust me. He did not get ripped off.
No, that's good. It's yours.
$247. I'm gonna have to run to an atm.
How could you not know?!
Well, the drinks, the flirting.
I couldn't think straight.
Have you ever touched the smooth,
taut skin of a 48-year-old woman?
I hope to one day,
but that's not gonna happen if Claire gets
home and --
Hi! I'm back!
Frank, did you have fun last night?
No. He did not.
Hey. Who's the woman in the kitchen?
Beats me. I think I'll go freshen up.
There's a woman in the kitchen?
There's a woman in the kitchen. Yeah, she's
a therapist.
The therapist that you recommended.
So I decided it was a good idea.
Oh, that means the world that you listened
to me.
- Thank you! - Ohh, you should get a shower
upstairs.
Oh, no, I want to say hi.
No, not sweaty like that.
You smell.
No, uh...
Hi! Hi, I'm Claire.
I'm Frank's daughter-in-law,
and I just want to thank you so much
for coming and helping him out this way.
- It was my idea. - No, it wasn't.
- Okay. - All right.
No, hey. I've never told anyone this,
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-【786】-
Modern.Family.S05E06
but I have always wanted to do what you do.
I think I'd be really good at it.
- No, she wouldn't. - What are you talking
about?
It's basically what I already do for the
whole neighborhood.
At least this way, I get paid for it.
You know, I got a standing 10:30 I got to
get to.
- Yes. Yes, you do! - Mom, I'm gonna throw
up!
Alex’s hair smells like cheese!
It is not cheese!
It is cruelty-free organic shampoo
with traces of churned goat's milk!
So cheese!
Ew, I need a bucket!
Ladies, we have a guest.
I am -- I'm really sorry about this.
I'm just at my wit's end with these two.
I don't suppose you have any experience
with teenagers?
Oh, no.
You two remind me of me and my sister.
We used to fight all the time.
I used to accuse her of stealing my
boyfriend.
She would accuse me of trying to stab her.
- You know, sister stuff. - Oh, my god.
Trust me, if I wanted to stab her,
that skank be stabbed.
She's not a therapist, is she?
Just...
I didn't sleep a wink.
I-I cannot stop thinking about Ronaldo.
I know.
I dreamt our wedding made
the cover of Modern Gay Grooms
and that there was a magazine called Modern
Gay Grooms.
Okay, that's -- that's Pepper.
Let's just ask him to let Ronaldo take the
lead.
And -- and risk hurting Pepper?
For all we know,
Ronaldo hasn't even given us a second

thought.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
What happened here yesterday was real.
Oh, Ronaldo! We felt it, too.
But what about Pepper?
- I left him. - What?
It's over. He doesn't look at me the way
you do.
Ohh, this is all happening so fast.
For me, too.
But my heart was racing when I left here.
You are my muses-es.
Ohh. I feel so guilty.
One quick look. No one has to know.
Oh, Ronaldo, what have you done?
Mitchell! Cameron!
- Oh, no! - Uh, uh, quick! Hide!
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'll hide.
- Cam, not you. - Okay, yeah. Go, go, go,
go, go.
Ronaldo left me.
- What?! No! - The swine!
Someone put it in his head that he could
do this without me.
But mark my words, I will destroy him
and whatever wedding he thinks he's
planning.
Okay, well, that's one way to go.
Daddies, there's a man in the bathroom.
- What? - That -- that's a Wiggles song.
That's a Wiggles song.
*Daddy, there's a man in the bathroom*
*There's a man in the bathroom*
It's okay, honey. It's okay.
*He's in the shower*
Ronaldo was nothing before I found him,
living in squalor in a dump barely bigger
than this.
How could he do this to me?
Because you never listen to anybody!
I have good ideas, but you're too
thick-headed to hear them!
Ronaldo, how did you get here?
It was you two. You plotted against me.
I bet that's not even a Wiggles song, is
it?
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Modern.Family.S05E06
- Is it?! - No.
Pepper, we can explain.
Do you have any idea how hard I work?
Well, maybe that's part of the problem.
I mean, you've been through the mill,
Pepper.
Heard it.
I've done 53 gay weddings.
And... none of them are mine.
Ohh. Pepper.
And whose fault is that?
I feel like you're implying mine,
but I really don't see it.
How can a man with such flare for setting
tables
leave no seat for one who loves him?!
- Oh, my god. - Ronaldo's in love with
Pepper.
I know. That's why I said, "Oh, my god."
Pepper, do you hear what Ronaldo is saying?
Of course I do. I'm not a fool.
He thinks I can't set a table.
No. No, no, no.
Ronaldo is in love with you. Go to him.
What?
You're in love with me?
Si. It is true. Yes.
God, that would drive me crazy.
Ronaldo, I-I don't know what to say.
I mean, of course, when I hired you,
I found you very attractive.
That's why I hire all my people.
But I...
I never thought you...
would find me...
Perfecto?
Because that's what you are -- perfect.
No. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I can't.
Gloria, I forgot my towel!
Here it is. Nice and toasty from the dryer.
Gloria!
She ran to the store. Breakfast in 5.
Your underpants are pressed and on your
bed.
Gloria!
So, if I'm hearing you right, you're not

so much mad
about the prostitute in the kitchen
as you are about my lying to you.
No, I'm mad about the prostitute in the
kitchen.
Hmm. That's my bad.
Yes, it is. It's your bad, Frank. Very bad.
Look, I'm a progressive woman.
I-I took a pole-dancing class.
I sent my daughter to college with condoms.
Wait, now, I think that sends the wrong
message.
- Thank you very much. - No! You don't get
to judge!
I...Frank, I'm --
I know you're upset about Annie breaking
up with you.
Wait, Annie didn't break up with me.
I broke up with her.
- W-what? - Why? I thought she was so great!
Well, I got scared. I didn't know how to...
be with another woman.
I thought your mother and I would be
together forever.
Ah... I'm sorry, dad.
I never would have gone through with it last
night,
but, uh, Jeannie was so nice and
professional.
Well, thank you, Frank.
And for what it's worth,
you got nothing to be nervous about.
You were wonderful.
Really? You think so?
Yeah.
If you love that woman, you should go get
her back.
She'll be lucky to have you.
Seriously, I see a lot of guys your age.
Most of them can barely --
Okay. Let's get you in that cab.
I love your kids.
That Alex is like a little me.
- Yeah! - Oh, My God.
Good morning, boss, junior boss.
Grab a seat and check it out.
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Modern.Family.S05E06
Egg-white omelet, high-protein smoothies,
then I thought we could put on our running
shoes and go...
I need to cut you off right there, chief.
Seems my wife overstepped her bounds.
- Now, you seem like a nice guy. - Thanks.
But I don't think you're the best fit for
this house.
- Are -- are you serious? - I'm afraid so.
Okay.
It was the underpants, wasn't it?
That didn't help.
Man, I came on too strong. Gosh dang it!
My dad warned me about that when I turned
14.
He said, "Son, you're about to be the man
of the family.
You got to learn to give people time
to see how special you are."
Why were you the man of the family?
- He sort of died. - How?
I don't want to bring you down, little man.
Neither did my dad.
He'd say, "My disease can't be all bad
if it rhymes with 'answer.'"
Those are the flaxseed muffins that I just
baked.
I'll just take them out and get out of here.
Andy, wait.
We're never gonna eat them.
Well, then... I'm sorry it didn't work out.
What didn't work out?
My mission here.
It was really nice to meet you, though, Mrs.
P.
You didn't even give him a chance.
We took a vote, mom.
You got to respect the vote.
No! You make me hire these nannies that I
don't like.
But when I find one that I like, you fire
him?!
I am the one that spends most of the time
around here!
SO I GET TO PICK!
Sometimes the louder we are, the less we're
 Modern.Family.S05E06
heard.
- You're frustrated right now, aren't you?
- Yes.
Because you feel like they're not hearing
you.
Yes.
Well, that's exactly how they feel.
I'm sorry that I ignored your feelings.
I promise that I will try not to yell so
much.
- You're hired. - What?!
You better drink that smoothie. We're going
on a run!
This isn't over.
Life isn't easy.
Sometimes we just need a little help,
getting your confidence back,
getting on the same page,
getting out of your own way,
or just getting moving.
And I'm pleased as punch to be the one --
Okay, this is tough enough without all the
yammering!
Sorry.
What would you like to dance to?
I have to tell you we have to have some sort
of square dancing.
We're not doing country.
No square dancing. We're not.
There will be no hoedown tonight. Pepper
and I are on...
My family is going to throw a fit.
- They'll riot. - We're not getting married
for them.
We're getting married for us.
And I think we have a decorative cake out
front,
and then we have sheet cakes in the back.
Oh, I see! Is that the theme you're going
for
-- tacky?!
Sheet -- like a sheet.
Oh, "Sheet."
I thought he said "Chic cake."
All of my cakes are chic.

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-【789】-

Modern.Family.S05E07
I’m sure how mom and dad are surprised
by the anniversary breakfast we’re
bringing to them.
I hate to walk in if they are naked.
Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone
if she tries to sleep even years later.
Oh, relax. I think you are safe.
Or are they?
It’s our 20th anniversary,
so today at the school fair,
a band called the Dad Beats
is gonna surprise Claire with a power love
ballad.
And the lead singer -- you might want to
sit down --
is the one and only --
get up on your feet! -- this guy!
*She's a pretty sight*
*Wise as a buddha*
*But, brother, watch that bite*
*’cause she's a Claire-acuda*
Or maybe an existing song.
Thank you.
Do you want to get your face painted
like a pretty butterfly?
No. I'm just not in the mood.
Lily, what about you?
You know what?
Maybe I will have them paint
"Worst coach ever" on my forehead.
Cam's coaching freshman football,
and his team's losing,
and it's making him, uh, a little tense.
Run, run!
Protect it like it's your baby!
You dropped your baby!
You dropped your baby!
They're running away with your baby!
Go get your baby!
That's the worst call since
they cast Russell Crowe in "Les Mis,"
right there!
You see the way everyone's glaring at me?
- No. - Like a big loser coach.
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-【790】-
Modern.Family.S05E07
All in your head.
I'm the Hester Prynne of freshman football.
I may as well have a
scarlet "L" sewn on my shirt.
Well, then, everyone would think you're
Laverne.,
Coach Tucker.
That was a tough loss last night.
Yeah, yeah. Sure was.
I feel your frustration. Sure do.
Uh, Mitchell, this is John. He's Trevor's
dad.
- Sorry. - Star running back.
Well, maybe not for long.
I'm seriously thinking about pulling him
from the team.
What? Why?
'cause trevor's getting killed out there.
You got no one to block for him.
I-I hear what you're saying, and you're not
wrong,
but give me a little time.
You got one week.
Well, that is not appropriate fair behavior
at all.
You know what might make you feel better?
Gathering my team and putting the fear of
God in them.
I was gonna say a churro.
I can do both!
She's a mess.
Girl...
Hey, hey, lead foot, easy on the turns!
I worked hours on this cake.
You're sure you want to do this?
I'm going to win the cake contest,
and then there'll be no stopping me.
From what? A beating?
First-place ribbons earn respect, Jay.
Not if your competition's
a bunch of old ladies and weirdos.
Could you just be nice?
You didn't seem to care
when you were eating all his practice cake.
Finally.
What are you gonna do, pal?!

About to ask you the same thing.
Did you not see my blinker?
- Nope. - Then you're blind, 'cause it's
on.
Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the
whole way here.
I got all day and satellite radio.
I don't care if parking here is on your
bucket list.
I've got two books on tape, a space blanket,
and a protein bar in the glove box.
I will sleep here if I have to.
We're not moving.
Ay, but we are.
Let's go, Manny.
- Who are you? - Oh, my god!
You scared the hell out of me!
Okay, language. There's a baby in the
house.
Uh, that baby happens to be my uncle.
Which one are you?
You need to tell Mr. P you broke one of his
beers.
I'm Alex. Who are you?
I’m their Manny.
Nice try.
I know their Manny, and you look nothing
like him.
Oh, you're Haley.
I'm their male nanny, Andy.
You really need to move.
Okay, well, I'll be out by the pool.
What? Nope!
No, no, no.
Not without permission, you're not.
- I'm gonna call Mr. and Mrs. P. - Oh, wait!
Um...seriously, Mandy, do you, uh --
do you really have to do that?
I see what you're doing.
Don't bother,
because I have a girlfriend
of eight years back in Utah.
That's pretty young, but I guess they do
things
differently over there.
She's my age,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【791】-
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and we're engaged... to be engaged.
It's -- it's a pre-engagement.
She's in the coast guard.
- In Utah? - Yeah.
It's the largest salt lake in the western
hemisphere.
Oh, good. She's protecting our lake.
I'll be out by the pool.
Your boss is calling you.
Hey! There she is.
Yeah, I'm not giving you any money.
I don't need your money -- I need advice...
about a girl.
Gross, but I'm intrigued, so talk.
Alex. Hey, Girlita.
Sienna...girl!
Sienna is amazing -- stylish, worldly --
and she's so new to our school, she doesn't
even realize
that I'm a full social class below her.
I need to cement the friendship
before she finds out we have a cafeteria.
I've been looking all over for you.
Uh, this is my little brother, Luke.
He wants advice on some lame crush he has.
That's huge.
So huge.
So, Luke, who is this mystery woman?
Um...just some girl.
And her name is Sienna.
You know, Manny, I'm just gonna say this
one last time.
- I doubt that. - Give me that.
You want to fit in?
You're not doing yourself any favors
with this cake contest.
I don't know. Chefs get all the girls.
You're a baker.
Bakers are girls --
Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little
Debbie.,
What about the Pillsbury Doughboy?
That's a good one, Manny!
Well, well, well. Jay Pritchett.
Nice of you to finally show up.
- What's happening? - You're an official

fair cop.
- Your wife volunteered you. - Gloria!
I love you! Have fun!
- What is this? - It's for charity.
People pay for you to arrest
and throw somebody in jail for 10 minutes.
And here comes your partner.
What's up?
Oh, hell, no. I'm not working with this
clown.
Hey, who are you calling a clown, bucket
list?
I see you two have already met.
That was my space and you know it.
Tell it to my car. You know where to find
it.
Hey, enough of you two squabbling.
I've got the PTA breathing down my neck.
Just pin these on and get to work.
Nope. Can't do the badge. Sorry.
My wife just bought me this shirt,
and if I ruin it, she'll kill me.
You're afraid you'll ruin your blouse.
It's not a blouse! It's a shirt.
She bought it at the men's department, so
it's a shirt.
Here's your first arrest.
She's over at the Dizzy Dragon.
Word on the midway is she's tougher than
she looks.
- Think you can handle it? - Why couldn't
I handle it?
'Cause she's your daughter.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mr. Chang. Yeah.
What do you mean you're at the house
already?
You're not supposed to be there for another
two hours.
I have a long history of giving Phil
bad anniversary gifts,
but this year, I have planned something
amazing.
The traditional 20th gift is china,
but what am I gonna do, give him a plate?
I already did that.
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Okay, bye.
Honey, um, what do you say we pack it in
and go home?
What? No. I mean, we just got here.
I haven't even whacked a mole yet.
I know, but I just got off the Ferris wheel,
and I'm feeling really queasy.
But you're gonna miss the Dad Beats.
No way. Come on.
Let's get you a fried pickle!
Phil, I might throw up.
No one throws up until I sing.
Phil, we got to go. We got to go home now.
Sure. Why not? Nothing keeping you here.
Why are you acting weird?
I'm not acting weird.
Got her.
Ma'am, I am afraid you are under arrest.
Uh, no. Dad, tell him I can't do this right
now.
Come on. Please.
Go ahead. Read her the charges.
Can't do this.
All right. Let's see.
You have been charged with unlawful
sexiness
and possession of a hot booty.
That is wrong.
- Guilty as charged. - Stop it!
All right, 10 minutes in the slammer.
No, I can't.
I don't have time for this. Phil!
Oh, my god!
What are you doing, perv?!
Getting proof of where the two missing
beers went.
You can't drink that out here.
Hmm. Let's see if you're right.
Mm, no.
Okay, well, you're in a pool zone,
and that is glass, so that's not safe.
It's dangerous.
What is with you and your girlfriend
protecting water?
Okay, just --
If you just -- no -- no, uh, uh!
 Modern.Family.S05E07
Oh! D-- ahh! D-d-- oh, dilly! Yeah, yeah. Like that.
Well, now you've done it. Mm! Damn. Near miss.
You're gonna have to climb in there Why the hell are you so dressed up for a
and get all the glass out of the pool. school fair, anyway?
Um, I just got my hair straightened, How is this dressed up?!
so that's not gonna happen. I'm -- why?
I hate to go all ballistic, Because my shirt has buttons?
but it has not been a pleasure meeting you. What's that fabric? Is that silk?
Do you kiss your imaginary girlfriend with Get your vanilla fingers away from my
that mouth? shirt!
I do, but she's real. So, she's a real girl. - Blouse. - Okay...
It all comes down to one thing, gentlemen You want to talk about clothes? Let's talk
-- about clothes.
focus... Let's go. Let's see.
and teamwork and heart! You look like some kind of old, washed-up
You see this mallet? golf pro
Think I can swing this here mallet with one who drank his way off the tour
finger? and is one step away from writing a suicide
No! I need my whole team! note
Because when you're functioning and with one of them little pencils.
working as a team, Sorry. I didn't mean that.
gentlemen, look out! You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean
Sassy granny? it.
Yeah, sassy granny. I don't have the body to wear the clothes
Yes, exactly. they make today,
Because that is what you all played like so I dress comfortable.
last night -- You're in shape, man.
is a bunch of sassy grannies. What are you? Late 50s?
But we're gonna bust our humps this week, Come on. You know I'm not.
and we're gonna get out there, I'm serious, man.
and we're gonna play like a bunch of... Y-you look like you live at the gym.
Girly men. Got it. - I do some walking. - Yeah?
Okay, you know what? Is this thing plugged Pritchett, Williams,
in? got another arrest over by the Ferris
It's not electric. wheel.
I think it was made in the 1800s. On it.
Okay, well, that's my point. Here we go.
This is outdated. Why'd we throw out the ice cream?
This is offensive, We got plenty of time.
because girls are athletes, too. Seeing Manny up there
So, in conclusion... with the misfits and their crazy cakes,
if you want to win football games, I started to wonder if Jay was right.
we got to go out there and play like a... Maybe Manny would fit in better
What is daddy doing? if he was more like the other boys.
Daddy's smashing his demons. And maybe I needed to give him a little
Oh, like the ones you vacuum up at home? push.

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-【793】-
 Modern.Family.S05E07
I saw you. him
All right, young lady. find this girl he has a crush on.
You're under arrest. Honey, Sienna is the girl he has a crush
- What? - You have the right to remain on.
silent. Come on, haven't you ever seen the way he
Good luck with that. looks at her?
Grandpa! It's same way he used to look at Halloween
Sorry, honey. Part of the job. candy.
Out of the way! Oh, my god. He's gonna do something stupid
Let's go. and ruin it for me.
Who did this?! I have to get out of here.
Hmm. I guess it's just you and me. Okay. All right. I got a plan. I got this.
My cake! Somebody ruined it! I'm gonna create a distraction.
Who would do that?! Just got to get that little guard over here.
Ay! Manny, how terrible. All your hard You're gonna sit down very quietly,
work. right by the door.
Oh, well. Let's go ride the rides. Great plan, mom. Let me know how that works
No, no, no. Mom, I know who did it. out for you.
Oh, you do? It's a fake lock.
It was Enid. How long were you gonna sit on that?
Ah. Look at her. Found another one.
You can see the hate in her eyes. I told you.
The minute she saw this, she felt Are you gonna do that every time?
threatened. You found glass,
She's cold as ice. not the lost city of Atlanta.
How about you just let it go Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up
and go play with the other boys? to a lot of underage drinking.
Oh, she'd love that. - You're bleeding. - What?
Okay, Enid. I do not like blood. I do not like blood.
You want to dance? Let's dance. - Is it bad? - Here.
Let me have my cellphone. Come on. I got - Oh, my god! - What?
to make a call. Your fingers are so stubby, like baby
Sorry. Those are the rules. carrots.
What are you smiling at? Sure. Okay.
I'm six. Make fun...
Oh, god. till you need me to reach into a vending
All right. Got another one for you here. machine,
Hi, honey. then I'm everyone's best friend.
Come on. Here. Hold still.
One count of being an aggravating big Let me put some pressure on it.
sister. So, why are you a manny, anyway?
That's 8 to 10 minutes. Saving up for college.
Luke did this?! I was just trying to help Plus, I like kids.
him. 'Cause they make your hands seem normal?
Help him do what? Okay. Thank you.
My friend Sienna and I were trying to help I'm good. Thank you.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【794】-

Luke, I hate to say it,
but maybe this girl left.
It's probably for the best.
I mean, even if I found her --
ah, forget it. It's embarrassing.
No. Tell me.
I wouldn't know what to do.
I've never kissed a girl before.
Oh! It's not that hard.
You know what?
I'll kiss you once to show you how it's
done.
Really? Okay. Want to go behind the
dumpster?
No. Here is fine.
Okay. It's not really how I imagined it,
but...
Stop!
What? Ignore her. Where were we?
You're the girl! You're his crush!
He's being a little weirdo! Please don't
judge me!
Uh, Luke, is this true?
She's a nerd! Her friends are books!
You're the best thing that's ever happened
to her!
- Alex? - Um, I don't know what he's talking
about!
Okay, I'm just gonna go catch up with some
friends.
Sienna, wait!
Don't be sad. You're too good for her
anyways.
Yeah. Thanks, Alex.
Not you.
I was talking about myself, you little
gnome.
There he is.
One more arrest and we can hang up our
badges.
I've seen this punk horsing around earlier.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
Jail time, jean jacket.
- Is it bad? - You're gonna be fine.
Aah! I should have worn a vest.
Why is everyone just standing around?!
Modern.Family.S05E07
Get this man a towel for his blouse!
So cold.
We were almost out.
- I didn't want it to end like this. - Don't
you do that!
It's not over!
Listen to me.
I need you to tell my wife what happened.
Tell her it wasn't my fault.
You're gonna tell her yourself.
She's standing right there, and she looks
pissed.
Hi, baby.
Phil...
Phil, when I said we needed to go home, I
meant it.
I'm sorry. I should have listened to you.
But you have to stay for just one song.
Why?
Trust me.
Whoo! How's everybody doing?!
Good!
All right, next up, we have
a very special guest joining us.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for...
- Harold Grossman! - Wait.
What?
Uh, never really done anything like this
before.
Uh, some of the gang down at the pharmacy
talked me into it, so...
*Gotta take a little time*
*A little time to think things over*
*I'd better read between the lines*
*In case I need it when I'm older*
*In my life*
Turns out Harold Grossman, our pharmacist,
is a rock star.
His voice is the drug he should be
dispensing,
because apparently, it's the cure for
everything.
- Time to go. Let's go. - No, no, no, no,
no!
Stay, stay, stay, stay! Come on, he's great!
Whoo!

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【795】-

*I want you to show me*
*I want to feel what love is*
*And I know, and I know*
*I know you can show me*
Oh, he's incredible!
- I know. - Incredible!
Harold Grossman, everybody!
Holy cow!
Who knew?!
Let's keep this party going.
Next up, we have one more guest today.
Oh, no.
Harold, yeah.
Harold, Harold!
Okay, now. Okay.
Maybe Harold can come back a little later.
But in the meantime,
the Dad Beats are proud to present...
Phil Dunphy!
Paul who?
Phil?
Phil dunphy.
- Oh, Phil Dunphy. - Oh, boy.
There's a white minivan out in the parking
lot
with its lights on -- license plate number
TCB-R2D2.
Phil Dunphy, everybody.
Hey, mom. Check it out.
- I finished my cake. - Oh, good.
It's Los Angeles after an 11.5 earthquake.
I call it earth-cake.
Manny, that's amazing!
You think that's amazing?
Wait till I smash this thing
right on top of Enid's piece of sheet cake.
No, no, no! Wait! Manny, Enid didn't do it.
- I did it. - What?
I was the one who ruined the cake.
I was afraid that all those boys were gonna
make fun of you.
I think I care more about you fitting in
than you do.
No. I care.
I care a lot.
It's just the stuff I'm good at
第 7 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S05E07
isn't the stuff that makes you popular.
Contestants, all cakes
must be at the judges' table in 60 seconds.
Ay, there's no way we're gonna make it
through that crowd.
Like heck we won't. Here.
- What? - Follow my lead.
- Okay. - Ready? Come on.
Oh, well, look who finally put down his
mallet.
You done having your little temper tantrum?
It wasn't that bad.
Cam, your behavior was completely
juvenile,
and I don't think that it set a very good
example --
Hey, hey! No cutsies --
for Lily.
I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated.
I-I can't seem to turn this team into a
winner.
Oh, why do you let it get you so stressed
out?
It's just football.
You know what football was to me?
Football was my salvation.
Every time I stepped onto that field,
I wasn't the weird gay outsider kid
anymore.
I inspired my entire team
because I had something to prove.
Where's my kid that has something to prove?
Come on mom!
Stay on my hip! Follow my lead!
Move!
That's exactly what I need.
Oh! Come on! Come on, mom.
Cake?
Tell them the good news.
- I won the cake contest! - The other good
news.
He made the football team.
They won their first game.
And the guys love my banana bread.
Keep your eyes closed, and before you open
them,
 Modern.Family.S05E07
remember that for 20 years,
you have given me perfect, creative,
thoughtful gifts.
And every year, I have let you down.
You're about to feel really bad, and I know
that,
because it's how I have felt every year.
But, honey, it is not my intention,
because I love you.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, my god. Chinese acrobats?!
20 years -- China.
You're brilliant.
- You got it! - Hey, guys! You're my
present!
Oh -- oh, what's that?
That's the helicopter. I should get in
there.
No, no, they're -- they're here for you.
They're here for you.
Oh... honey.
Don't worry, it was just a couple of beers,
and if you cleaned it up...
Okay, Haley, I love you, too. Bye.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I hear you're a wanted woman.
What you see can and will be held against
you.
You're gonna have to arrest me first.
Bring me some wine.
Mr. P., I have a confession to make.
I'm taking a much more interesting
confession upstairs.
After Joe went down,
I had a sip of beer by the pool,
and a bottle broke.
- It was me. I did it. - Don't sweat it.
I popped a cold one after dealing with those
kids --
Sometimes during.
Thanks, Mr. P. -- and, hey...
Be careful up there.
We are not that close.

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-【797】-

Modern.Family.S05E08
How the hell did they lose our reservation.
Dad, you were married to mom for thirty
years.
It's just a couple of nights on the couch.
I'm gonna call for the Con.
I'm gonna try to squeeze them on that $9.95
wifi fee.
They're selling air.
ClosetCon is the premier north American
trade show
for the closet industry.
I stopped going years ago
'cause it's a trade show for the closet
industry.
Thank you.
This schedule is incredible.
Dad, there's a 10:45 session
on sustainable materials.
We have got to hit that.
Mm, but it overlaps with the 11:00 a.m.
panel on paneling.
And a breakout session on shoe storage.
Little advice --
the convention floor is for suckers.
All work is done at the bar --
Unless Tony G. and Layla are singing
standards,
in which case, no work -- prepare to be
entertained.
Dad, I came here to learn,
not sit at the bar and drink.
You do what you want. I'm getting a scotch.
Well, I do need to meet everybody.
Ooh, good. Breakfast.
Breakfast? Try lunch.
- We wake up early on the farm. - Sure do.
There's our sleepy city mouse.
Let's get you all squared away here.
Yeah, I-I got it. No, I got it.
Down here. I'm good. I'm good. Now, I know
--
You know, I forgot how
much work there was to be done around here.
I've been mending fence all morning.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【798】-
Modern.Family.S05E08
Been mending, have you?
Missouri.
Misery.
- What a pig sty, huh? - Cute.
Daddy went to town, he's gonna be there till
super,
so I'm helping mama slop the pigs.
You want to -- you want to pitch in?
I don't know, I just ate that bacon, so...
How's that gonna look?
Want to ring the dinner bell, "Little
bomber"?
Oh, that's actually really quaint.
Is it one of those little triangle thi--
Loudest call in the tri-county area.
Do it again!
No, sweetheart. I think once was enough.
There's actually an animal that runs toward
that sound, huh?
Hello, hello!
- Did you make the reservation? - Yeah,
7:00.
Fun family time with this little newsy
and a steak dinner.
Who says people at the closet convention
get all the fun?
No one. No one says that.
I am telling you, the way he looked at me
when I came to the door -- it is so on.
Kind of seemed like he was just delivering
pizza,
and you were giving him money.
What are you guys talking about?
Chuck, the pizza guy from last night.
He's shy and thoughtful
and wears a Princeton sweatshirt --
Hardly Haley's type.
Oh, my God. You love him.
What? No! I d-- how would you say I love
him?
He's been to our house exactly three times.
That's ridiculous, Haley! Don't even look
at me.
This is so stupid.
She loves him.
Hey, "Manimal." How was picture day?

You know what's super-helpful?
When the guy in line behind you calls you
"Mount Sweatmore."
I was trying to relax you.
It was right in front of you
-- "Brad Pitt-Stains."
- Come on, Luke. - It's okay.
New security system?
You can see the backyard,
the front door, the garage -- everywhere.
Yeah, can't take any chances
since mom gave birth to
the hope diamond over there.
There is a room off the kitchen at Jay's
house
that's always locked.
I try it every time I'm there.
I've spent countless hours imagining that
that room
is a house of treasure...
a palace of ceaseless wonder.
It's real.
Hello, old friend.
Would you look at that?
What?! That's coconuts!
No!
Is that --
A replica of Apollo 13.
Look at the detail.
You can almost see the astronauts
drinking teeny, tiny Tang.
- Can I hold it? - No.
You have any idea how valuable this is?
And your fingers are covered in cheese
dust.
There.
- No! Luke, please! - Hey, guys. Knock it
off.
Don't worry, Gloria. I got it.
Nobody panic!!
This is a collector's edition. It's 40
years old!
We're gonna have to improvise.
Gloria, call the steakhouse and cancel.
Manny, find some glue.
Luke, let's get these parts into the
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【799】-
Modern.Family.S05E08
garage.
I know this seems impossible,
but we can do this!
Hello. Houston's?
We have a situation.
Hi. We're with ClosetCon. All-access.
She doesn't care. You're the only dope
wearing that here.
- Give it to me. - No. I like it.
Hey. Joel.
Looking good, my friend.
Took a bath on automated closets.
People aren't ready for that.
Jay Pritchett. Get your cute butt over
here.
- Who's that? - An old friend.
I'm gonna go say hello. Why don't you get
us a couple drinks?
Yeah. I'll do that.
Hi. Can I get a scotch and a white wine?
Wow, rowdy crowd, huh?
Trade shows -- people get away from their
families,
- get a little liquored up. - Yeah, I get
that.
Let's just say when the nametags go on,
the wedding rings come off.
I am not so on board with that.
Hey, there.
Classy.
Let me just fix this. You're looking so
great.
My mom was pretty self-involved,
and my dad traveled a lot for work.
So, yeah, I did wonder if... you know.
And not that I could blame him.
My friend Alison's mom
greeted her every day after school
with a big hug and a giant smile,
And I always thought, "Yeah...
wouldn't mind a piece of that."
- So, are we doing this? - I'll bring it
to your room this afternoon.
We have a little tradition at ClosetCon for
rookies,
which Claire is this year.

We take a skeleton. We hide it in their
closet.
They open the door and scream,
and we all have a good laugh.
Can't take full credit for the idea.
We stole it from CabinetCon.
Hot cider.
Oh, yes. Thank you, Barb.
- Thank you so much. - It's chilly.
Mmm. Wow, that's got a kick.
That'll be the rum.
I can feel it warming up your belly.
Yeah, still in my mouth and throat.
Well, what's that?
Boy, it starting to get nippy, huh?
You guys want to walk down to the duck pond?
Um -- that sounds lovely. I'll get the gun.
- Are y'all coming? - "Y'all"?
- We don't say "Y'all"! - Yeah, we do.
No, well, yeah, we say it... here, but not
normally.
Well, did you ever think this is how I
really talk
and that I talk different-like when I'm not
here?
Y'all fighting?
No, no, sweetie, we're just having a
conversation
about how your daddy can be so stuck-up.
Cam, that's really mature.
Use our daughter to get your little digs
in.
I would never do that, sweetie.
You don't think I notice
how condescending you are when we come
here?
You just set on the porch. You roll your
eyes.
You don't participate in anything.
And, yeah, I said "Set."
But that's how we talk here.
I'm from this place. I'm proud of this
place.
And it hurts me that the man I love just
thinks it's some big joke.
Come on, sweetie.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【800】-
Modern.Family.S05E08
Lord a'mercy.
Ugh. I'm starving. What are we gonna do
about dinner?
I checked with dad, and I ordered a couple
pizzas from Theo's.
I knew it! You're stalking my pizza guy!
He is not into you, okay?
Does he call you "Brown eyes"
and give you extra mozzarella sticks?
Okay, that's it, you two!
You cannot fight over men like it's jewelry
or shoes.
If you're both interested, no one makes a
move.
Sisters before misters!
- Stalker! - Trollop.
Ha-ha, don't know what it means --
- What did you do?! - Nothing!
Aah! Yes, you did! You turned it on,
and now the propeller's all tangled up!
Why would I do that?
'cause my pizza guy is coming,
and now I have airplane in my hair!
I swear I didn't, Haley. Okay.
I'll get it out. Oh, my god, ow!
- What is happening?! - I don't know!
Ohh, you find a little toy?
Hey, was that aunt Marge
just tearing down the driveway?
Yes. And she dropped off a little present.
Is that my Cam Cam?
- Gram gram! - Oh, you.
There have been some storm warnings,
so Marge thought she'd be safer over here.
But she dropped her off so fast
that we didn't even have a chance to
straighten up.
We never told gram about the gay.
You know, after they reach a certain age,
you worry that it could
be the thing that sends them over the edge,
And she's been on the edge for a long time.
We're actually on deathbed number two.
Mitchell. Mitchell.
Okay. W-what's this?
This is me ready to slop, bale, or milk

something.
You don't need to do that.
No, I -- Cam, I-I know.
I know I gave you hell for being who you
really are,
- and I want to make that up to you. - Yeah,
but you know what?
Putting on my sister's Sunday overalls is
gesture enough.
- What's this? - Oh, it's my chewing straw.
- It's not straw. - Oh, it's just show --
for show.
- Hey. Come on, come on. - You know, you
love the man,
- you love the world he comes from. - Yeah,
but you know what?
I don't know if it's these farming clothes
or what,
but I am feeling so close to you right now.
- Well, that's so sweet. - Now give me a
kiss.
No, not right now.
Well, don't make me rassle you down.
Who's this?
Oh, dear.
Uh...well, grams, this is Bud, our new
farmhand.
Bud?
Yeah, Bud's a little simpleminded
on account of getting mule-kicked, isn't
he?
And you know the rules on being in the house,
Bud.
Now, go on outside.
We're gonna milk the cows in a few minutes.
Get on out there. Have a treat afterwards.
Here's what we've got to work with.
Nicely done. I've got Florida on the line.
Dad, I'm flying you in. You're the model
expert.
What are we looking at, son?
Holy Moses.
More like Apollo 1,300 pieces!
In space, I guess no one can hear you be
hilarious.
I need you to focus.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【801】-
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- If Jay sees this... - I know!
Dad, you've got three good men here
depending on you.
Say no more -- I'm gonna tap a button now
that's either gonna make you
larger on my screen or --
We've lost Florida.
Yeah, yeah. Bring the skeleton up now. I
just got to the room.
Hey, dad.
Hey, honey.
I thought we were meeting at the
restaurant.
Yeah, well, the lecture got done a little
early,
and I was kind of the star of the evening.
I got a huge laugh when I coined the phrase
"Shelf-esteem."
Huh? Yeah?
Okay, I'll text it to Phil.
Why don't you go down to the lobby? You'll
get a stronger signal.
- Oh. Hello. - Rita.
-This is my daughter, Claire. - Hi.
Claire, this is Rita.
Your dad and I go way back.
First time we met, I told him
he needed a course in "Hanger" Management.
It's still funny.
Seriously?
Her husband's in the garment business.
He made me a suit.
I make the closets, and he fills them.
Match made in heaven.
Honey, they're kind of sticklers at that
restaurant.
Why don't you grab our table? I'll put this
in the room.
Uh, okay. Will do.
Um, really nice to meet you.
See you downstairs.
I actually am gonna take the stairs.
That elevator is slow.
Hey, was it just me,
or was she looking at me weird?
I did kind of sense that.

You don't think she knows about our deal?
How could she? It was 20 years ago.
And I never told anyone.
Would she even care?
That I tried to get rid of the man she ended
up marrying?
Well, it's not like you took a hit out on
him.
You had me offer him a job
in the greatest state in the union.
Okay, Tex.
If I never said anything, how could she
know?
You're not the first one I approached.
You're just the first one who said yes.
- I'm done. I'm done - Come on.
Please, just be Bud -- for a couple days.
You can do some chores, maybe I can
berate you a little bit to really sell it.
Do you hear how insane you sound?
Chores?
All right, you know what?
You -- you deal with your grandmother
however you want.
- Lily and I will just go get a hotel room.
- No, you can't.
Fine. Motel, silo --
whatever you got around here.
No, that alarm means there's a tornado
coming right now.
Oh, god. Well, where's lily?
I hope she's not still out in the field.
Lil-y-y-y-y!
You can't just call her like a pig!
Lil-y-y-y-y-y!
Okay, this is just a farm thing,
not, like, a mall thing.
- What's that, city voice? Hmm? - Just go.
This is really in there good.
Get her off of me.
I'm getting dumb through osmosis.
I don't have osmosis.
Oh, great. Chuck's here with the pizza.
Gloria, can you please get it?
No. You two be nice to each other
and figure it out.
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Oh, hey, Chuck.
I didn't think you'd be working tonight.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Oh, this is my grandfather's house.
There's a pool. Do you swim?
You look like you swim.
I do.
Oh, thanks.
You okay?
Oh, yeah. Totally. Just a cramp.
I work out. One second.
- You little... - Shut up.
Hey, you.
Hey, brown eyes.
Okay, cool. Thanks. Bye.
Bye!
- What? - Shut up, dork.
Don't be nervous, honey.
There's nothing to be scared of.
Take it easy, mama. Don't break a hip.
I'm telling you right now.
I am not pretending to be something I'm not,
especially in front of our daughter.
Oh, so I can't kiss you in front of your
dad for six years,
and you can't give me two days?
We're saving an old lady some unnecessary
upset.
Why don't you give her a little credit?
She might be more open-minded than you
think.
Well, you're a cute little Chinese thing.
Actually, gram, she's, uh, from Vietnam,
and her name's Lily.
Dad, how long do we have to stay down here?
"Dad"?
Okay, well, I guess there's no way around
this.
Ac-- actually, ma'am...
...she's my kin.
So, you got a Chinese wife, Bud?
No, I-I-I went to vietnam,
and I did myself some adopting,
And now I'm raising her all by my lonesome.
Well, I never thought I'd live long enough
to see that.

None of us did.
But I guess there's nothing more important
than family...
no matter how they come.
Well, that is mighty open-minded of you.
Some folks 'round these parts don't share
that progressive--
I say progressive-- sensibility.
To each his own.
But I do wish I had another
little one like that to spoil.
What if I told you you did have a
great-grandbaby?
- What? - Cam...
It's okay, mama.
What if I told you I was in love,
and that I've never been happier in my
entire life,
and that I'm about to get married?
I can't think of anything better.
And what if I told you the love of my life
is this man standing right here?
Then I'd know why god sent us this tornado.
Damn.
After the initial shock, gram softened a
bit.
She even agreed to attend the wedding.
Standing outside with a sign.
Baby steps, Mitchell. Baby steps.
And... our antenna is...
- reattached. - Yes!
Oh, this is useless.
Hey, I don't want to hear talk like that.
If you want inspiration, think about Apollo
13.
Jay didn't give up when he first put
together this model.
It was hard and complicated, and back then,
the print on the instructions was tiny,
but he persevered.
Also, the astronauts on the actual Apollo
13
didn't give up when their actual lives were
in danger.
Them, too, but they had a lot of other
people helping them out.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【803】-
Modern.Family.S05E08
We're on our own here.
Okay, I figured out what we need
to reattach that damn landing module.
Glue won't work.
We need a very thin filament--
thinner than thread.
I know what will work.
Well, I need to go check on something.
I told my date I'd be back in a jiff.
Back in a jiff.
Nothing to do but wait.
Why are we making ourselves crazy, Phil?
I don't know. I just hate disappointing Jay
so much.
He is not an easy guy to please.
I know, but when you do, it's pretty sweet,
ain't it?
Sure is.
You're lucky to have a dad like that.
Hard not to be hurt by that, son.
How have I never noticed how loud you
breathe?
Aw, don't beat yourself up-- that'd require
you
to notice something that isn't about you.
Oh, my god, you are such a loser!
I can't be stuck to you all day!
Okay, that's it! I cannot listen to this
anymore!
I'm going to cut you two out of there.
No! Gloria, no! My hair!
- Too late! - Okay, okay! Just cut mine.
Yeah, cut hers! Wait. Why?
No one cares what I look like, anyway.
You don't really think that.
Yeah, well, kind of.
You didn't see the way that Chuck was
looking at you?
Wait, you actually think I'm a threat?
I'm not gonna say that out loud.
Aww, that's so sweet.
Well, if I ever had a boyfriend,
I wouldn't trust him with you for five
seconds.
Okay. Let's finish this job.
Gloria, no, you can't cut--

And there you go.
That's it. That was easy.
Why did you wait an hour to do this?
Why did you wait 15 years to do that?
At least this way, nothing bad happened
to anyone's pretty hair.
Oh, honey. I didn't hear you come in.
- How was the rest of your night? - Let's
see.
After you bailed on me,
Mark from Closetopia yakked my ear off,
and then told me I look like Heidi Klum,
which is such an obvious come-on.
Mark's gay.
Well, in that case, my night stank.
And I didn't bail.
I know a lot of people here. They pulled
me away.
Hey, these robes are terrific.
You know, there's one for you in the closet.
You ought to put it on.
I don't want a robe.
Dad, were you avoiding me tonight?
Why would I avoid you?
Trust me -- soft, like butter.
Right in there.
Don't make me ask.
What are you talking about?
You and Rita 20 years ago --
- It's okay. I know. - Oh, geez.
I get it. Things happen.
- Really? - It was a long time ago.
Well, I appreciate it.
I just want to say I'm not proud of it.
If I had known him then like I know him now,
I never would have tried to get rid of Phil.
Good night.
"Get rid of Phil"? What are you talking
about?
What are you talking about?
You and Rita had an affair.
No, we didn't. That's crazy.
Well, okay, good night.
"Get rid of phil" -- what does that even
mean?
It doesn't mean anything. You had just
第 7 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S05E08
started dating.
You know I was never hot on the guy.
I told Rita to offer him
a sales job in Texas.
I remember that, but that wasn't when we
were dating.
- We were engaged. - Doesn't matter.
Phil didn't take the job anyway.
If anything, my little test
proved how much he loved you.
You're welcome. We'll talk in the morning.
Oh, how dare you -- "You're welcom" please.
Oh, I can't even be in the same room with
you.
- Where is my coat? - Uh, Claire.
Ugh, unbelievable.
"I don't like my son-in-law,
so I'm gonna ship him off to Texas."
Real mature way to deal with your problems,
dad.
- I get that point. - Yeah. Real mature.
- That's real mature, too. - That's
tradition.
- It's the skeleton... - In the closet. Oh,
I get it.
I'm really sorry, but before you go
storming out of here,
you want to talk about a certain phone call
I got
from immigration a few years ago?
I had just started dating Gloria.
They were acting on an anonymous tip.
It's very late.
We have a very big day tomorrow.
You know, Claire, I've really come to like
Phil.
I know.
And the irony is,
he would really love that skeleton gag.
Try it out on him. You got
to take care of that thing till next year.
Oh, god.
Wait, before you turn that out,
have we talked about everything we need to?
'cause I want everything out in the clear
here.
 Modern.Family.S05E08
Yeah. We have. When it didn't complain about my socks.
Good night. You checked the closet, didn't you?
I did make out with Rita once about 15 years Every night before bed.
ago. I really don't understand it. It's so
Good night. silly.
Okay. I mean, if somebody really wanted to kill
All that's left... you,
is to reattach the lander to the command obviously they'd just hide under the bed.
module. Good night.
We got one shot at this, fellas. Damn it.
If we fail, jay's gonna burn up on re-entry
into this house. Am I right?
Hole in one, son!
Thanks, dad.
Boys, if this thing goes sideways,
I don't want you to be here to see it.
- So go on. - But, dad --
No, you listen to me!
Okay, Phil.
Okay, Philip.
Steady.
He's locked in.
Not now, nerves.
Hold.
Hold.
Be a hero.
Bring her home.
I guess I'll call a cab.
So long, Jeanine.
Is it? Is --
It is!
Splashdown!
Son of a bitch, he did it.
Yeah! Gloria, get in here!
There we go!
- Dad, you did it! - Yes, I did!
I love it! I love it!
I love it!
Phil, honey. Come to bed.
This robe feels like butter.
I missed this, honey.
That yoga's really paying off.
Hey, whoa. Slow down, baby.
You can't gun a cold engine.
But if you're -- then who's --
When did you know?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【805】-

Modern.Family.S05E09
I have to show a house today,
so see you guys at Luke's football games.
I'm too tired to go.
I have a midterm tomorrow
which I'll probably fail. And I was up
really late studying.
She was. I was up really late doing this.
Don't even bother coming. I'm quitting
today.
I'm sick of this guy in the team always
making fun of me.
He's just jealous because
you're the one who puts points on the board.
Why?
- Because you run the scoreboard. - ...run
the scoreboard.
I'm out, too.
But all your classmates will be there.
We ignore each other all week.
It's nice to have a little break on the
weekends.
Geez, I've never seen such a bunch of
no-getters.
Coined it!
Remember, keep a positive attitude,
and good things will happen.
Two things I bring to every open house --
my lucky pen and a smile.
I haven't sold a house all month.
Do you see me saying "I'm done"? Never.
Because there is no "Done" in Dunphy.
I'll see you guys at the game.
Hey, there is no "Umph" in Dunph--
different spelling!
Cam!
Yes, Phil, I remember your special play,
but I think the triple gull-wing is a little
tricky
to run at such an important sporting match.
Cam has a number of delightful
superstitions
during the football season.
Well, they're not superstitions when they
work.
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That seems science-y.
Not sorry that today is the last g-a-m-e.
Well, thank you, but good coaches don't
need luck.
We make luck.
See you at the athletic endeavor.
I'm going to call Gloria
and see if she can pick up Lily, too,
you know, just in case...
What, you procrastinate again
and not tell Charlie you're quitting?
No, no! I'm gonna do it.
I just -- I'm picturing his face when I tell
him,
shaking his head in disappointment.
It's -- it's hard.
- Hey, just do it! - No.
I don't know why you're making yourself so
crazy over this.
You're right. You're right.
I -- I do not want to be crazy.
I'll see you at the game.
Hey, Gloria.
Yes, Mitch, I will pick her up.
Thank you so much! All right. Bye, Lily.
Good luck with the whole Patrick situation.
Dad, you're embarrassing me.
Well, welcome to the rest of your life,
sweetheart.
So, Lily, tell me more about this Patrick.
He likes the swings, he sits by the flag,
and he can count to 100.
He sounds like the whole package.
Then what is the problem?
He doesn't notice me.
So then make him notice you.
You don't want to wake up one morning
as a lonely 9-year-old,
wondering where all the time went.
Hey, mom. If you're at the store later,
could you pick up some ice?
I'm gonna need it for after the game.
My little athlete.
I want to try out the gelato maker I traded
my bike for.
Lures me in every time.

Oh, okay. Bye.
Dad, you can just drop me at the next light.
I can walk from there,
and I got to call Phil anyway.
You did the same thing yesterday.
Why? What's going on with you?
- You smoking again? - No! No.
I just -- I don't want to put a spotlight
on the fact that I'm the boss's daughter.
It makes people resent me.
- This is good. Thanks, dad. - Yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
I can see that bothers you.
Well, yeah, your own kid,
embarrassed to be seen with you,
you know what I mean?
- You spend your whole life... - Here's
fine.
Last month, a law-school classmate offered
me a job
at his legal aid society,
and I just knew I had to take it.
And I explained that in a letter
that I was going to sneak onto Charlie's
desk.
Oh, good. It's you.
Did you sleep here?
My girlfriend dumped me, uh, in an e-mail.
Couldn't even do it face-to-face.
Pretty gutless, huh?
Oh, you should go home, get some rest.
I can't go back there. It would be too hard.
Mm, too many memories?
No, we were living on my boat.
I don't know where she took it.
Enough of my whining. What do you need?
Oh, well, I just -- I just came by to say
hi. Hi.
And also, mm, to tell you in a very gut-ful
fashion,
face-to-face,
about something that I have been thinking
about.
But I do think that, um, I am going to have
to leave
about five minutes early today.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【807】-
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Uh, Cam is -- is coaching a high-school
football game.
- I'm in. - What?
Certainly not gonna be able to focus on any
of this today.
Yeah, I need a shot of marching bands,
fresh-cut grass, rosy-cheeked kids.
Do they still run through a banner?
- They do! - I love that. I love that.
OK. So the game's at what, like, 4:00?
We should probably -- hey! Give me that.
I'm --
This is my private cell.
Only three people in the whole world use
this.
Two people.
Uh, Claire, is, uh -- is there a reason
you didn't sign this shipping form?
Oh, no. Sorry. I'll do it now.
Oh, no. No. Now's a little late.
See, they came in this morning,
and they can't do a thing without a
manager's signature.
So now I've got 100 rosewood panels lined
up in the warehouse.
On the future, I'd appreciate it --
Hey, hey, Tim. I think you made your point.
It was an honest mistake, all right?
- Dad. - I'm just saying that it's what a
warehouse is for,
to hold things.
- Not the end of the world. - Right. Of
course.
- Sorry. - No, I'm sorry.
It's my fault. Bye, Tim. Bye!
Dad!
This is exactly what I was talking about
in the car this morning!
I want them to see me like a co-worker,
not somebody who's getting special
treatment
'cause she's the boss' daughter.
Is it possible you're being a little
oversensitive here?
No, I'm not. I'm being -- wow, here?
Really?!

You know, you gave me this.
- Look how adorable you were. - Okay. Okay.
Okay.
I want you to try really hard to hear what
I'm saying.
When I need your help, I will ask for it.
And until then, just butt out.
What happened to you?
Hey, Miller, your toes are looking a little
lonely.
Why don't you pay them a visit?
What's with the extra warm-ups, coach?
These guys haven't won all year.
Did you hear that, team?
Miller just bought you a little present.
I wasn't complaining. I was just wondering
why we have to --
Take a lap!
Burt Levoisier, Red Stagg,
Duckie Pond --
All coaching legends at this high school,
and none have won more than two games their
first season.
I win today, that makes three,
making me the winningest first-year
freshman coach ever.
Oh, hey, Luke, Reuben's sick,
so I'm gonna need you to be the announcer
today.
How am I supposed to keep score and announce
at the same time?
Same way you're a spaz and a dork at the
same time, spork.
Okay, lose the attitude, but keep that
intensity.
Uh, hey, excuse me, ref.
What's with all the black arm bands?
Their coach passed away last night.
He'd been sick for a while.
That's terrible. And we're still playing?
Well, they're tough kids.
Roger Knight lived for high-school
football,
so they're playing this one in his honor.
Okay, hey, guys! Guys! Guys! Guys!
Tragic news about coach Knight.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【808】-
Modern.Family.S05E09
But you know what? We need to focus up.
Plenty of time to pay our respects,
but there will be no mourning Knight this
afternoon.
- Lot of character over there. - Yep.
- Those kids haven't won a game all year.
- Uh-huh.
And now to have to play on his birthday...
Okay, see you at the coin toss.
Top of the morning!
Real estate and,
to a lesser extent, life
is all about perseverance.
Things go wrong.
Keys get lost, deals fall through, keys get
misplaced.
Uh, a lot of it has to do with keys.
But that's when you find out there are two
types of people --
those who waste time staring at a closed
door...
and those who find a window.
I'm looking at my first month ever without
a sale.
Some people might give up.
But those people aren't Phil Dunphy.
No!
It's like I tell my kids --
keep a positive attitude and things will
fall your way.
As my favorite redhead once sang,
the sun will come out tomorrow.
That redhead, of course, was Mitchell,
introducing me to the plucky orphan
Annie...
...whose never-say-die attitude pulled
this country
out of a little thing called...
the great depression.
And anything a little girl can do, I can
try to do, too.
Hey, guys! Welcome back!
Drink it in!
Pretty great, huh?
Oh, am I glad you guys could see this during
the daytime.

I really think it shows better like that.
So?
Should we just cut to the chase and pay me
my commission?
I'm kidding. You don't pay me directly.
There's no fee in Dun-- Phil.
Listen, Phil, we've got some great news.
I love it! Where's my lucky pen?
We wanted to tell you this in person.
- We just came from the doctor. - I'm
pregnant!
Oh, my god! You guys!
Except we decided to put off buying the
house
- until after the baby's born. - Sure.
- We've been trying for, like, six years.
- Sure.
For a while there,
it seemed like the universe was against us.
That's ridiculous.
Why would the universe be against one
person?
Here, have a spirit sticker!
Don't be the only student without one.
I actually go to this school!
Wow, you really are invisible, huh?
I could not be more fine with it.
You're like that guy from that movie
who wishes he was never born.
"It's a Wonderful Life".
You say that, but do you mean it?
Beautiful day here at Red Stagg field.
Kicking off for the home team is number 44,
Jason Miller,
who also plays lacrosse, soccer, and all
the girl parts
when he and his friends act out
"High School Musical".
Quite possibly the only girl parts he'll
ever see.
Haley!
Hey, Dylan!
I didn't realize you were coming here.
Are you kidding?
This place was like a home to me.
It's like I was homeschooled.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【809】-
Modern.Family.S05E09
But I wasn't. I was school-schooled.
Were you?
I got six kinds of pills in my pocket,
but this here, all this, this is the best
medicine.
Aw, I'm glad you're feeling better.
So, Charlie, I --
I'm here to get Lily.
Oh, before I call her, we had a small issue
today.
One of the boys, Patrick, said Lily pushed
him down
and tried to kiss him.
No, that doesn't sound like Lily.
She was probably imitating something she
saw
on TV or in her family --
Ay, it was the TV, yes.
Oh, but here she is. She's always so sweet.
Bye, Patrick.
You see? They're just friends.
What are you laughing at, Evan?
You're next.
Okay, I'm going to talk to her for a little
bit.
Oh, did I ever tell you that I put your name
up here?
Huh?
"Haley Dunphy dome."
Aww, you named our special spot?
Actually it was supposed to be "Haley
Dunphy, do me."
I'm bad with spacing.
Oh, you're not so bad.
And that's halftime -- Panthers 6, Dolphins
0.
That zero score by Jason Miller,
who proudly prances off the field.
Just let me go up there and kick that kid's
butt.
Knock it off, Miller. I need your leg.
Take a knee.
Now, I don't know what tuna net you Dolphins
swam into,
but you are drowning out there!
Coach, would it really be such a bad thing

if we lost?
- Beg your pardon? - Look at them, coach.
Haven't they lost enough already?
Maybe giving them a win would,
in a way, be a victory for us, too.
Okay, you know what mattered the most to
coach Knight?
His work with special-needs kids?
Okay, he took one kid to one beach one time.
Football!
Football is what mattered the most!
He lived for competition!
He believed in sportsmanship, integrity!
Okay? Now, the way I see it, we can roll
over
and give them an empty, meaningless victory
that he... would hate.
Or we can go out there, leave it all on the
field,
and be a team he would be proud to lose to.
Now, is this an "I" activity or a "We"
activity?!
- We! - What?!
- We! - What?!
- We! We! We! We! We! We! - That's right!
Now you sound like dolphins!
Hey, Tim!
I got the next three days of delivery slips
for you here, signed, huh?
- Thanks, Claire. - Yeah.
Signed those up good, huh?
Thanks.
So, this is -- this is the, uh, the regency
birch?
Beautiful model. Gorgeous.
You guys do such good work down here.
Really, you mind if I take her for a spin
before she goes up to the showroom?
- You're the boss... - 's daughter.
That's what you want to say.
Oh, okay. So, no mirror when they're
shipping, which makes sense.
Also have, uh... no handles.
Hey -- hey, Tim?
Hey, Tim!
Tim!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【810】-
Modern.Family.S05E09
Oh, god. Yeah, hi, dad.
Hey, co-worker.
Just seeing when you want to leave for the
game.
- We're late already. - Soon, soon.
I'm -- I'm just -- I'm finishing up
a little paperwork in my office.
Okay. Let me know if you need any help.
No, I do not need your help.
And as I believe I mentioned, I would
appreciate it
if you were not constantly looking over my
shoulder.
Come on. Give me some credit.
That's the last thing I would do.
Dad, you seem to forget that I raised three
children,
and I had a career before this.
I have done plenty of stuff that does not
--
Do you hear that?
Sounds like it's coming from the warehouse.
Yeah, what even is that?
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.
Uh, one piece of advice -- take it or leave
it.
What?
The latch is under the panel on the right.
I got you mustard and sauerkraut, just what
you like.
You're being awfully nice,
considering I started that whole
closet-nado.
Well, you're still my daughter.
It's okay I call you that here, right?
Yeah.
Listen, it's hard for me to treat you like
everyone else.
You're the only one I carried home in my
arms --
Except Dontrell, last year's Christmas
party.
I pretty much poured him through his
sunroof.
But I'll try.
-Thanks, dad. -You got plans this weekend?

- No. Not really. Why? - Good.
Be at the warehouse, 8:00 tomorrow.
Wear something you don't care about.
Hey, guys.
Hi, honey.
What'd I miss?
Nothing good.
We're down by 6 with 3 minutes to play.
Well, they could still turn it around.
[The show is not over till the fat lady
sings.],Show's not over till the fat --
mama!
Sensational punt by Miller, who hasn't
kicked that high
since he broke the gender barrier
and joined our own modern dance troupe.
- Are you okay, honey? - Yeah!
It's all about keeping an attitive
positude.
Positude attitive.
Hey, we should see a midnight movie
tonight,
like old times.
Oh, my god. I am so in!
Cool. Cool.
I'll come by your house around 11:30 with
the ladder?
I don't need to climb out of my window
anymore, Dylan.
Oh, ooh. Can we do it earlier? I have a
midterm tomorrow.
Oh, I can't do earlier.
I've got to meet up with some classmates
from nursing school.
You're gonna be a nurse?
Yeah, I figured it was a natural next step.
I've always healed people with my music,
and now I'm just doing the same thing with
drugs.
Wow. Well, ye-- another time, then.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, if everything goes well,
maybe one day I'll see you in the hospital.
I'd like that.
So, I finally get out of the closet,
and there's dad looking down at me.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【811】-
Modern.Family.S05E09
Been there.
The whole daddy thing, though,
it's really one of your bigger issues.
At least my daddy issues are with my actual
daddy.
I don't run around making every authority
figure
I meet into a father.
Wait.
W-what's that supposed to mean?
Mitchell, come on.
Why have you not quit your job yet?
His girlfriend just broke up with him.
Yeah, and what was your excuse last week?
I had a cold.
And the week before?
I felt a cold coming on.
Mitchell, this fell out of your jacket.
Care to explain?
I was holding it for a friend.
You want to quit?
Charlie, you're -- you're a great boss,
but I ju-- I got this other offer,
and I just really miss the courtroom.
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you,
you're... really letting me down.
I just expected so much more out of you.
Ohh. You were my favorite.
Ohh, god.
Um, well, maybe I-I could still do things
on the weekends.
No, no! Charlie, I'm -- I'm sorry.
I -- I'm done.
You know what?
I don't blame you.
I have to get back on solid ground.
- We both do. - Well, I do more.
My house is a boat.
You made me in trouble.
I didn't tell you to sit on a boy until he
liked you.
- Yes-huh. - Nuh-huh.
We're not doing this again.
Home team calls time-out.
12 seconds left, they're down by 6,
and unable to shake the Miller curse.
 Modern.Family.S05E09
That's it! You can go out there and do whatever feels
Okay, boys, final play. right.
Time for a little trickery. Okay? I support you no matter what.
Oh, honey. What happened to you today? Hut! Hut! Hike!
A cosmic pummeling. I won! I won! I mean, we won!
I lost the deal. We won! We won!
If I don't close on one tomorrow, Ooph! Sorry, ma'am.
it's gonna be my first month ever with no Ma'am? I sit next to you in English.
sale. Hey, I think I dropped my phone under the
Actually, there is no 31st this month. bleachers.
What are you talking about? Come get it with me?
Tomorrow's the first. Found it.
Honey, I'm sorry. Are you okay? Great, and world order is restored.
No, I'm not okay! - Can we go home now? - Yeah. Okay.
I just found out there is literally no Oh, hey, what's that?
tomorrow! "Alex Dunphy dome?"
You know, I always say if you wait long Uh, I think it says "Alex Dunphy, do me."
enough, Ugh, who would write something like that?
your luck will change? No idea.
Turns out that's just a big pile of c-- Hey, you want me to scratch it out?
Hold on to your hats, folks. No! I mean, pfft, too late now.
Are they? They are! It's the triple If it's out there, it's out there.
gull-wing! Hey, champ.
That's my play! Aren't you gonna go celebrate with your
Woodson fakes right, he fakes right again, team?
he fakes faking right, and he scores! Yeah, in a minute.
They scored on my play! You meant to miss the kick, didn't you?
- Mitchell says you can sell me a house. I blew it.
- Yes, I can! I could miss that kick nine out of ten
- Good call, Phil. Was that your play?! - times.
Yes, it was! Why couldn't I miss it when it counted?
You're being too rough, Lily. Let me ask you something.
You cannot just see a guy and, That ball sails through the uprights,
mwah, kiss him like that, okay? your team carries you off the field.
Yes, you can! Yes, you can! How does that feel?
Okay! Okay! Miller's out. Manny, you're my - Come on. - Good.
backup kicker. It's fun being part of a team.
I need you to go out there and nail this. And it's really fun being the hero.
Although if I miss it, So I think you made that kick on purpose.
wouldn't a tie be a perfect way to -- And listen.
Manny, enough! I don't think you're willing to admit it
You are not gonna take away my victory! yet,
I mean -- I mean, your victory. but somewhere underneath all that
Okay? humanity,
Manny, I'm sorry. I should not have yelled there's a competitor -- sorry.
at you. There's a competitor, and, Manny,

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【812】-
 Modern.Family.S05E09
there's nothing wrong with that.
Nothing.
Thanks, coach.
You want to go eat some pizza?
- Sure. - Me, too.
Hey, you think someday they might name this
field after you?
Well, you're not the first person
to think along those lines.
Earlier today, someone in the faculty
bathroom
was messing around with the phrase "Cameron
Tucker dome."
Just sold the most expensive house in town,
sight unseen, all cash.
- How 'bout that? - I'm proud of you, dad.
Pretty great day for all the Dunphys.
And then I said, "Michelle, do you honestly
believe
every stupid rumor you hear?"
Oh, you haven't heard?
Well, apparently, one of my exes is just,
like...
Tim, I -- I am so sorry that you got hurt,
and I will get to the bottom of it,
but I suspect it was sabotage by the
competition,
maybe Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
Not too bad, a little puffy, kind of like
your eyes were
when you saw "Finding Nemo," Miller.
Like I said -- positive attitude.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【813】-

Modern.Family.S05E10
Oh, God!
It's a little early, isn't it?
Go back to sleep. I don't need you awake
for this.
Honey, it's Christmas Eve.
Are you gonna spend all day on that thing?
I made a promise.
Yes!
Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical
machine
and vowed to walk the equivalent
of our house to Canada in one year.
This body doesn't just happen, ladies.
If he didn't make it,
no machine in the bedroom.
Except for this machine in the bedroom,
ladies.
Who are these ladies?
Oh, Phil, give it up.
Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you?
Just when I'm so close to the Canadian
border,
I can smell the bacon
and the reasonably priced medications.
Mom, this came for you from nana.
I don't know why she bothers to wrap it
every year.
It's always the same thing -- slippers.
You never know. She might surprise you this
year.
Would you care to take a visit
to the museum of maternal indifference?
Watch it!
Oh, careful!
You guys are really moving her downstairs
right now?
Aren't you gonna be late for work?
They're not gonna fire an elf on Christmas
Eve.
Ugh, I thought this would be lighter
without my shoes on it.
You know, once you set up your room,
you could put books on this.
Books...on a shoe shelf.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【814】-
Modern.Family.S05E10
Right.
- You're not gonna jump on that? - I'm just
too happy!
After today,
there'll be no more clothes thrown
everywhere,
no more hour-long phone calls
where all she says is "No way."
I think it's a little sad
that you guys are doing this today.
I remember when you used to get
into the same bed on Christmas Eve
and talk about all the presents you were
gonna get.
It's a perfect day for it!
When I wake up in my own room tomorrow,
I'm going to be giving thanks for my
independence.
And isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Seriously? Nothing?
This is your great-grandmother's recipe.
If she could see you now...
...she would die again, because you're
doing it wrong!
My mother has been here all week.
I love her very much, but you know what they
say --
house guests start to stink after three
days,
like dead bodies.
What the hell is that?
A fiber-optic tree.
It's way better for the environment than
a real one.
Not if the environment is my living room.
Look, I admit, it takes some getting used
to,
but so did greek yogurt.
Now I can't even remember how the old stuff
tastes.
Why do we keep changing things that don't
need changing?
Christmas is real trees and eggnog,
Perry Como and bing on the hi-fi.
Now you're just making up words.
I'm drawing a line in the sand.

We're gonna get a real tree,
and we're gonna cut it down like I did when
I was a kid.
Follow me.
Hi, dad.
Can't talk. Saving Christmas.
Hi. Thank you again for coming.
No problem. I love babysitting!
Good! We're going to run some quick
errands.
Wait, if you're taking Joe --
Hola, Claire!
Around 4:00, she gets fussy for her bottle.
Lily, do you know why I'm able to relax
and read this paper today?
Because you don't have a job?
FYI, I am starting a new job in exactly t--
No. We're not doing this again.
It's because I planned ahead.
I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago.
It's important to keep busy.
I-it is perfectly normal to take some
downti--
No. No!
Okay.
I printed out the directions to Pepper's
party.
We're calling it "The 12 Gays of Christmas"
now.
Oh, just be thankful
we talked him out of "Feliz Navidude."
Okay, honey, finish your breakfast
so we can go help our fellow man!
One hour at this charity event, max.
I can't eat.
I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.
I'm -- I'm sorry. Your what?
Puppy pounds have six puppies
with online profiles.
Ask your parents before using the Internet.
Honey, you never mentioned a-a-a puppy
pound.
- What is she talking about? - I-it's not
on your list.
Yes, it is. "Puppy Pound."
Oh, no! She put a "P" backwards.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【815】-
Modern.Family.S05E10
And, honey, there's a "u" in "Pound."
- This says "Guppy Pond"! - Guppy Pond!
What is a Guppy Pond?
It's only the -- the coolest gift ever!
I want a Puppy Pound.
Um, honey, it's C--
Okay.
I am not pointing fingers,
but our daughter had
exactly one thing on her list,
and someone didn't get it,
so someone needs to go to the mall.
You're pointing fingers.
No. It's still a "1."
It just fell asleep on the job.
Ellipticaler's log, 12/24.
10 miles from Canadian border.
Spirits -- high. Stamina -- strong.
Must get another application of thigh lube.
Oh, good. Luke.
Dad, I was with you on the tightrope.
I was your wing man in the wing-eating
competition.
But I'm not feeling this one.
You're missing Christmas Eve.
There's something more important than
Christmas, son
-- pride.
If I don't make it to Canada,
your mom wins, and this baby
ends up in the garage first thing in the
morning.
Our garage?
I'm in charge of the recycling.
I'm supposed to bring it from the garage
to the curb
by 6:00 A.M. Thursday morning.
I may have missed a few weeks.
Shoot!
Maybe more than a few weeks.
After a while, the pile just got so big,
I couldn't bring it out the night before
or people would ask questions.
I don't need people asking questions.
Then you're right! You've got to finish!
You'll never use this thing in the garage!

It's too drafty!
That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy --
to avoid the draft!
No.
Bang.
I know we've been hiking for an hour, but...
worth it when you look at this beauty, huh?
That's why you don't cut down the first tree
you see.
This is literally the first tree we saw.
There's our car.
No, we started that way.
So, you're arguing
that we walked entirely around the earth?
Give me the ax.
Don't give me that look.
Trees are like women.
The best ones make you work a little bit
harder.
She's just not that into you.
- I know! - Sorry it too long!
Oh, it's fine.
Claire and I were having a nice time
catching up.
I am really sorry that I am late.
No, you're not.
No, I'm not.
Mm-hmm. It's fine.
Just hope I didn't talk Pilar's ear off!
No!
I love hearing about your family
and your big, new job!
Oh, well, it's -- it's not such a big job.
I mean, I'm really just working for my dad.
But you're working hard.
I'm proud of you.
- How do they look? - Ooh! Perfect!
- Yes. - You are a wonderful student.
-Thank you. -My grandmother taught my
mother.
My mother taught me.
And now, I teach Claire.
And don't be so modest.
I respect a woman who can raise a family
and have a full-time job.
Can you believe that on Fridays,
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【816】-
Modern.Family.S05E10
they don't even have to dress up?
Taste. Taste. Taste.
Sometimes, they even wear sweatpants.
Would you like to lick the batter?
Yes! Oh, yes!
- Me, too! - No, no, no!
Helpers only.
I don't make the rules.
Oh, Lily, what a beautiful ornament!
That's gonna make a little kid very happy.
Wait. I don't get to keep this?
Why am I killing myself?
Okay, kids!
We've got a visitor from the North Pole,
and he brought presents!
Hey! Hey. How's it going?
There are no Puppy Pounds anywhere.
It's like trying to find a Cabbage Patch
Kid
on Christmas Eve 1983.
Still hurts, huh?
I had her bed all made.
Okay. Well, Lily is gonna be devastated.
Call around. Get us on some lists.
You have to do something!
I'll figure it out.
How's the fundraiser?
Oh, well, I'm managing, you know.
Oh, bring the checkbook.
You can always tell when they're gearing
up for the big ask --
Fill you full of freebies.
Oh, hey, I gotta go. Got to help somebody.
Hi! Classic.
Flawlessly executed.
If I had one...
Just trying to bring a smile to you folks.
- You're gonna get through this. - Get
through what?
Don't be embarrassed.
Everyone here is in the same boat.
We are?
Best thing about the hot chocolate --
they let us keep the mug.
I thought it was a charity event for the
needy.

Turns out, it was a charity event for the
needy!
Look! Santa gave me a puppy pound!
What? No.
I'm finally happy!
I'd like a picture for the newsletter.
Oh. You can show your mommy.
I don't have a mommy.
This is why I do this.
That cramp could be a heart attack.
Here's some advice I've been holding back
on.
Always shave with the grain.
No reputable talent agent
will ever ask for money up-front.
Dad, you're fine.
I really want to quit, Luke!
No, you're gonna make it!
He was never gonna make it.
I just needed to buy some time.
That's a lot of product you're moving.
Just bring it to a recycling place.
Not until I get paid.
Just so you know, this is six weeks'
allowance.
Oh, you have the coolest parents ever.
I want to know when you're about to leave,
so give me a honk.
- Honk! - From your car.
The best business card is a firm handshake.
The best pick-up line is a tight pair of
dockers.
The best dockers are --
Dad, save your breath! You're in the last
five miles.
- I'm never gonna make it! - Of course you
are!
Then again, do what you want. I got stuff
to do.
- I'm gonna quit. - Cool.
What's one more failure?
You ever wonder why we take such a crazy
route to school?
So I don't have to drive by certain places
--
The flute teacher's house I went to once...
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【817】-
Modern.Family.S05E10
The French cooking academy I quit after
learning
only two of the five mother sauces...
The hot yoga studio I left after "Happy
baby."
I guess there's no avoiding
this big failure sitting in my garage.
Get up.
I appreciate it, buddy, but --
Get up.
I don't know anything about flutes
or cooking or happy babies...
But I'm damn sure getting my dad to Canada.
Now, mount that beast.
Thank you, son.
You can thank me after you cross the finish
line
and the celebration begins.
Just picture that.
I'm picturing it!
I'm picturing it!
I'm really picturing it!
Thanks, Santa.
Yeah. You got it.
Don't forget a candy cane from Mrs. Claus!
Oh! I got to take a break.
- What? - What? What?
Um...it's okay!
Does anybody want to take a picture with
me?
- I'll do it. - Oh, maybe just the kids.
- What was that? - What was what?
Santa doesn't take breaks.
He visits the North Pole!
And why do you leave your things all over?
Who do you think cleans this place up?
Oh, you are such a nag!
Can't we at least
act like a happy couple during the
holidays?
For the children!
Another hot chocolate?
How many more of those are you going to
drink?
At least it's warm, unlike you!
He travels a lot.

She's put on cookie weight.
It's hard.
Yes, you can put me on
the "Last-minute shoppers" waiting list.
- Unbelievable. - Oh! Well, there he is!
H-hey, Jotham!
Oh, looks like someone did
a little last-minute Christmas shopping.
That Zaniel's a lucky guy.
Yes, he is.
But these are for Pepper's party.
His invitation said, "No gifts, please."
Mm, say that again...
as Pepper.
No gifts?
Please.
5 o'clock, Christmas Eve,
and I have to find a dozen perfect presents
for the world's snarkiest, cattiest men...
My dear, dear friends.
Pull! Pull! Pull!
Yeah. Hey, take a break.
- This is taking forever. - It's supposed
to.
Took my dad and I all day to get a tree.
And when he finally brought her down,
he used to celebrate with a cigar.
I was just a kid, so I'd have a cigarette.
All right. Grab the other end.
There we go.
Now we got a groove.
Yeah. There we --
It won't budge!
The hell is this wood made of?
They ought to make saws out of it!
Let's face it. The tree's beaten us.
Hey, we're Pritchetts. We don't quit.
Besides, all my tools are stuck in it.
I got it.
It's simple physics.
A little pressure,
the thing will snap where we put the blade
in.
- Done. - Just hit the gas.
It's working.
That's why they call it yankee engine--
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【818】-
Modern.Family.S05E10
Get down!
It's bald on one side now!
It'll be fine!
We'll just comb over some branches!
Oh, Claire, I thought that you had left.
She was going to,
But I wanted to show her how much better
she looks
without this hair blocking her pretty face.
She does have beautiful hair, though.
I see.
What did she say?
That you picked a good color...
At least, I think that's what she said
with that American accent.
You don't have to entertain her.
After all, she's my mother.
Ah, these used to be Glorita's favorite!
She used to do headstands to get extra
cookies.
At least, she'd try.
Yeah, but it's not easy!
I mean, it's hard enough to keep all this
right-side up!
Imagine when I had to put it all right-side
down!
- It was... - Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe I can still do it!
Look at that.
Oh, wow. Look at Claire, Gloria!
Very good! Two cookies for you!
Thank you!
Uh, yeah, but she needs a pedicure.
Look at that.
You knocked me down!
- I did not. - Yes, you did, too!
Girls! Girls! Girls! No need to fight.
I don't have a favorite.
Why the hell not?!
I am very disappointed in both of you.
Family members should treat each other
with love and respect.
Except that Claire is not part of our
family.
- Cierra la boca! - No. No, no.
She's right-- unless that's what you just

said.
I can't tell, 'cause I-I only took French,
And je parle un peu.
Oh, you have a beautiful accent.
Really? Do you think so?
- Ay-ya! Por favor? - I'm sorry. I...
I-I'm jealous.
Ay, Claire.
But you're beautiful, too, in your own way.
No. I'm not jealous of you.
I am jealous of how your mother
comes all the way to see you from Colombia,
When my own mother won't even get on a bus
from the Almond co-op she lives on three
hours away.
She sends presents, no?
Yeah. It's the same thing every year.
It's always slippers.
I am sorry.
Thank you.
But I shouldn't take it out on you
just 'cause I have a lousy mom.
Don't disrespect your mother!
- Is she always like this? - Yes.
Did you-- did you ever think maybe there's
a reason
she sends you that gift?
Yeah, 'cause she found something
when I was 8 years old that I actually
liked,
and she hasn't thought about it since.
Well, maybe she thinks about it a lot.
Maybe she remembers a time when she made
you happy,
and she wants to go back there.
Well, now I feel terrible.
The only thing I sent her was an e-card.
We don't like to admit it...
But mothers never get over
the day their daughters leave them.
We never stop needing our little girls.
I will never stop needing you, mama.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, elf,
it's been 45 minutes.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【819】-
Modern.Family.S05E10
Where's Santa?
I don't know!
Maybe he's a little busy making presents
for every child in the world.
One second!
Where is he?
He said he was going out for a pack of candy
canes.
You mean like those?
Okay. Wake up! He is not coming back!
We need to change into our regular clothes
and sneak out.
Who am I kidding?
My eyes are unforgettable.
I couldn't even hold on to a fake husband.
I always thought you were the tough one to
live with,
but maybe I am.
Okay, they've breached the jelly bean moat.
This is a problem.
It's a big problem. All this time, I've been
waiting
for a guy to see the true me,
and now I'm scared he will.
Oh, my god! They've got Blitzen!,
What's going to happen to me?
Am I just going to nitpick everyone until
they leave me?
- Hey, mom found somebody! - That's true.
Okay, listen.
We really need to get out of here.
But I just want to let you know
that you weren't all bad to live with. I
thought--
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Where's santa?!
Only 100 more yards.
You're just about there!
Can you see it?
It's so beautiful. It's so green.
And, wow, those are high up there.
The mountains?
No, my shorts again.
Would you mind giving them one last tug?
You're crossing the border.
 Modern.Family.S05E10
Yeah, I know, and I feel bad asking, I wish I would've had one of those when I
But I'm tasting cotton. was your age.
No! You did it! You're in Canada! - You're welcome. - Who's Robert
Wait. What? Mapplethorp?
I did it? I did it! Actually, I'm gonna need that one back.
I did it! I did it! Sorry.
Let's go tell mom! That's okay.
Wait. All I really wanted this year was a Puppy
How did I used to walk? Pound.
All right. Come on, sweetie. Here. You can have mine.
Let's go. It's really fun.
Uh, we're serving Christmas dinner. Oh, my gosh.
Uh, no. That's fine. That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen!
We have to actually get going, so... Lily, honey, that was so nice!
But I haven't eaten today. It's okay. I'll get one tomorrow.
Oh, you poor thing! Um, well, you know what? About that --
No, she's fine. She's fine. Cam? Cam?
Oh, there he is. Uh, that was a t-o-y s-t-o-r-e.
Honey, where did you get this coat? - What? - Someone returned their Puppy
Sorry, kids. Pound.
It looks like we've run out of coats and W-we can't get over there in time before
toys. the store closes!
That's okay, mom. At least I got to see Wait, you know who lives right over there?
presents. Oh, no. No!
Okay. Come on. Let's go. Almost there.
Hey! How are my do-gooders? No.
Did you have fun? No! Why?!
Yep. Talk about it in the car. Oh, my gosh. Why-y-y-y-y?!
What are these? In hindsight, the cigar was a mistake.
Yeah, I went a little crazy, huh? So, what do we do now?
No! No, no! It's a Christmas miracle! We go home.
Kids! Kids! Who wants presents? I thought Pritchetts never give up.
Cam, what are you doing? They know when to give up,
No, trust me. Lily has enough. which is its own kind of victory.
- Cam, Cam. - Everybody, Merry Christmas! - Unless... - what?
Oh! Not that one. No it's crazy.
Feliz navidad! Unless...
Okay, but those aren't for Lily. Are you really gonna make me ask you again?
"His-and-his shower clogs?" ...we somehow apply pressure to the axhead
They're for Pepper's party. already in the tree.
He said, "No gifts, please." I bet we can use the jack from the car.
Imagine how Pepper would say that. Of course. The upward motion will split the
What's a Himalayan salt plate? trunk. Yeah.
You can season your food while you serve We can always tell people that's how we did
it. Yeah. it.
Body-fat scale? That is how we did it.

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【820】-
 Modern.Family.S05E10
People love getting new things...
But the best stuff has a story behind it.
Damn fine tree.
Except the saw's still stuck in the truck.
Yeah, you're gonna want to keep your
brother away from that, huh?
A lot of times, it's only after we get rid
of something...
Room for me?
...that we realize how much we miss it.
Oh! Nice!
Good job, Luke!
Yay! A Puppy Pound!
And things that seem worthless
suddenly turn out to be super valuable...
Okay, everybody, picture in front of the
tree.
Timer's set. Ready?
What? No!
...maybe even precious...
Which is why I thought getting rid of this
stuff
would be a huge mistake.
Nice try.
You still owe us six weeks' allowance,
and the fireworks.
How could you screw this up?
What?
I'll see you in Vancouver, eh?
No. Luke, do the accent again?
Oh, are you on that machine?
Yes, Juliana, but unlike your husband,
I'll be finished before you know it.
You know what? It's actually easier this
way!
Wonder if you could patent a movement?
Call it "Fliptical" --
Dad, trick or treaters!
We're out of candy!
Who is this dad?
I'm Gandalf.
Who's on?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【821】-

Modern.Family.S05E11
Hey, honey.
Oh, you're just in time for breakfast.
Ooh, we should probably go light on the
food.
Something tells me we're
not gonna want to do this on a full stomach.
I can't believe there's such a thing as
autopsy camp.
There is no such thing as autopsy camp.
I had to trick Luke
'cause I'm actually taking him to a
ballroom-dance class.
He's been resisting,
but it's in his blood.
I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys
--
A kick line, actually.
Come on, we don't want to be late,
like the guy we're gonna see on the table.
Am I right?
Of corpse you are.
Hey, mom, can you take me driving?
My test is coming up, and I really need to
practice.
Oh, honey, I would,
but I've got a big
closets and blinds union meeting today.
There is no closets and blinds union.
Driving with Alex is torture.
She drives so slowly.
I have to be the only parent
who slams on the imaginary gas.
Hey, I'm not doing anything. I guess I could
take her.
Great! I'll go check the tire pressure and
the fluid levels!
Fun! Can't wait!
Be out in a sec!
Okay, my rate just went up.
All right, but this buys your time and your
silence.
Alex can never know how much I hate driving
with her.
Mm, she's in a hurry today.
Modern.Family.S05E11
Oh, that's just step one of her nine-point
safety test.
Step two is checking the horn
to make sure checking the horn didn't break
the horn.
She should never drive.
Forget it! You tricked me!
I'm sorry, buddy, but no son of mine's
going to high school without at least
knowing
how to do a proper box step.
Trust me, dancers always get the girls.
Remember the great Kevin Bacon
from "Footloose"?
More like "Footloser."
Careful!
All right, no more talking. We're doing
this.
You'll thank me someday.
It gets better when you find your signature
move!
They used to call me "King of the dips"!
Why can't we just repurpose some of the
stuff
from manny's party last night?
We got half a cake left.
The balloons are fine.
It's bad enough that both my sons
have to share the same birthday.
At least they deserve their own party.
You think Joe's gonna mind day-old cake?
He can't even eat it. He's got three teeth.
I'll remember that in 20 years
when you want cake.
He doesn't even know the party's for him.
He understands more than you think.
Right, Andy?
Who, F-Jo here? He is smart as a whip.
When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he's
ahead of me.
Not exactly "Clash of the Titans."
Manny, whose coat is that?
Amy Martin left it here last night after
my party.
I was getting some pretty strong signals
from her.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【822】-

I think she did it on purpose
so she'd have an excuse to come back.
Or because she couldn't get out fast
enough.
If she was a cartoon,
she'd have left her skin here.
What does that mean?
That Amy is out of his league.
He always does this and ends up getting
hurt.
- You need to talk to him. - And say what?
Tell him to go for girls he stands a chance
with.
I overheard him talking to Reuben.
There's some girl that really likes him,
but of course Manny's not interested in
her.
He's got to go for the head cheerleader.
How do you know that Amy's the head
cheerleader?
I overheard that, too.
For someone whose favorite words at the
movies
are, "What did he say?"
you overhear pretty good.
Yes, Lily, I-I pinky-promise
that we'll be home in time for baby Joe's
party.
I am. I'm touching to the phone.
Yeah, and butterfly kisses.
Okay, okay.
Little girls -- so excitable.
I was wishing they had a gazebo, and then
they did!
Ever since I was a little boy, I have
dreamed --
dreamed of getting married in a place
exactly like this.
So, what date were you looking at?
March 28th.
That's the anniversary of our first date.
Oh, wait, um, I'm sorry. Is this price per
person?
Yes, excluding alcohol, cake, and music.
What's that -- the Mennonite package?
I think you'll find our prices are
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【823】-
Modern.Family.S05E11
competitive.
Well, I'm ready to commit.
Cam, Cam.
I'm sorry.
Can -- can we have a moment, please?
Okay, well, let's hope he's not having any
last-minute jitters.
You're not having last-minute jitters, are
you?
No, no, but it's a really large deposit,
and I want to make sure
that we're absolutely certain about this
place.
Well, I'm certain,
and we've looked at every possible venue.
And Pepper was by far the least snarky
about this one.
That's true.
He doesn't throw the word "Adequate" around
lightly.
- Okay, okay, it's this place. - Okay.
But stop being so excited, all right?
We might be able to get the price down a
little bit.
Okay, okay, poker face, poker face.
- Yeah, now work on your poker voice. -
Poker voice.
So, we do like it.
We're just not sure that we love it.
Yeah, we're not sure we love it.
Oh, that's a relief
because someone just called.
- The room is booked. - What?!
No, no, no! Okay, wait,
are you playing hardball?
Because we're playing hardball, too!
We love it!
Oh, s-sorry.
A young lady planning a sweet 16
just booked your date.
After that, we don't have another opening
for...
- two months. - No.
No, it has to be on our anniversary.
Wait, did Tracy Mccoy book this room?
Tracy Mccoy's a student of mine.

Okay, I may have a plan.
I am not having a wedding/"Hunger
games"-themed
sweet 16 par--
oh, you're tapping your fingers.
You really do have a plan.
Well, somebody smells good.
What perfume is that?
Every perfume!
20 of the sweatiest, geekiest girls
God ever fouled this planet with
and just me dancing with all of them!
During the charleston,
my hair got caught in one of their headgear!
Wow, Charleston on the first day?
Last day!
Just because you're a dancer
doesn't mean I have to be one, too, cha cha
cha.
Damn it!
I'm never gonna fall for one of your lies
again.
Just take me to autopsy camp.
Oh, shoot. Am I gonna get a ticket?
If there's any justice,
it'll be a big one, two, three, and four.
Damn it!
License and registration, please.
Absolutely. There you are.
You know one of your taillights is out?
No, I did not. What a ding-dong!
Wait right here.
Will do. We'll be right here.
This is what you get for lying to me.
What choice did I have? You used to be up
for anything.
Now, no matter what I suggest, it's no, no,
no.
It's called growing up and having your own
interests,
like the minister's daughter
in your precious "Footloose."
Wow, using my own movie against me.
Let's hear it for the boy.
Please step out of the car.
Oh, I believe you about the taillight.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【824】-
Modern.Family.S05E11
- Out of the car! - Okay.
I'm sorry, but I have to place you under
arrest.
Wait, what?!
A car registered to you
has accumulated 18 unpaid parking
violations...
all on campus drive.
Oh, my god, those are my daughter's
tickets!
He's got an answer for everything.
I got to take you down to the station house.
You can ride up front with me.
Seriously, can't I just pay you for them
now?!
At the station house, sir.
Can we at least not drive by middle earth
comics
and trampoline world?!
People look up to me in this town!
No, honey, Luke's fine.
And they won't take a credit card?
No, it's $1,600, cash only.
But, honey, it's Sunday.
I can only get a few hundred bucks from the
ATM.
Sir, your time's up.
Honey, just use the emergency cash, okay?
- Tick-Tock. -Uh, b-but, Phil --
- Got to go! - No, honey --
I forgot the hiding place! Phil?
Phil has $1,000 hidden in the house,
and he's made up a crazy mnemonic device
to remember the location,
which he changes every month to stay ahead
of the bad guys.
What bad guys?
"Loot" rhymes with "Coot,"
which takes us to...
this picture of your grandfather.
"Moola" sounds like "Coola."
Not a word.
Money is in the air-conditioning vent.
This will all be over soon, buddy.
Just give me one last smile!
You too.
 Modern.Family.S05E11
Mom's already on her way with the money, problems."
okay? Don't worry! You know, I just -- I really get kids that
Oh, my god, I don't want to go in there! age.
You're going in here. You know, she's -- she's almost 16, so...
I don't want to go in here! I'm almost 16.
Okay. This is where Sophie works. Crazy.
She's the one in the hat. Tracy?
- Copy that. - Tracy works upstairs. Tracy McCoy?
We'll meet in the food court in 30 minutes. Mr. Tucker, hi.
Sound like a plan? I didn't know you were old enough to have
A plan, not sure if it's a finger-drumming a job.
plan. I didn't have a job until I was 16.
Get in there. Well, I'm almost 16, so...
Two of my students, Tracy and Sophie, BFFs, Crazy!
were planning on having a joint sweet 16 Oh, my gosh, I remember back then.
together My friends and I had so much fun,
until they got in a fight over a boy, well, when we weren't arguing
Rodney. about silly things like parties and...
Now Tracy is planning on having her own Okay, that's a lot of mirror looking,
party and that's me saying that.
at the carriage house. Good, good.
Our venue, our date. Nice cruising speed.
So, our solution -- talk to them, patch Oh, look, there's that jogger.
things up Now we're in the lead.
so that they have their party together Can we put the brakes on the sarcasm?
again They're worn out.
at the original location. Hey, mom.
Friends fighting over a boy -- Haley, listen to me.
something we know a thing or two about. You did not pay a bunch of parking tickets,
Of course, usually it's gay men, not and now your father is in jail.
teenage girls, And I have to go bail him out
so we will have to adjust our approach just just as soon as I can get my hands on a giant
a -- not at all. pile of cash.
I don't know. Cash -- ash!
Uh, may I help you? Oh! Oh, god.
Mm, yeah, uh, Sophie. Oh! That was furry!
Um, I'm looking for something for my niece. You are in so much trouble.
She's been really bummed out lately -- Oh, don't you think I know that?!
fight with her best friend -- so I'm just What am I gonna do?!
-- You're going to get what you deserve.
I'm trying to cheer her up. A parking violation is second only to a
That's so nice. moving violation,
Yeah, she's always saying to me, which is grounds for the loss of a driving
"Uncle Mitch, you're so cool. You're so privilege.
rad. Privilege, not a right.
I'm so glad I talk to you about my Oh, my god, shut up!

第 4 页 共 9 页

-【825】-
 Modern.Family.S05E11
This is why mom pays me to drive with you! Sweet, but --
What? Raspberry rhapsody lip gloss, anyone?
Where do you think she's calling me from My favorite, but I still wonder--
-- Hello, heavenly soak bath salts.
the closet and blinds union?, What next will she find?!
Why would closet workers and blind people Only a lily of the valley scented candle.
even have a union together?! I love it!
Think! Oh, I wish she had more pockets!
Excuse me, waiter. "Bucks" rhymes with "Nyuks" --
Could you please tell me about the surf and Three Stooges.
turf? Damn it!
Mr. Lobster says... "Wampum," "Pom-pom" --
"It's terrible!" Cheerleading costume.
While Mr. Cow goes... Come on. Oh, my god, really?
"I think you should probably just have the "Bank," "Sank" --
pasta." Novelization of the movie "Titanic."
Dada. Then why do we keep that thing?!
No, no, no, little man. Oh, Phil, of course!
That's your dada right there with the Of course, because "Dough" rhymes with--
drinky. I don't care.
Over-explaining. I don't care.
Don't feel bad. He's just making sounds. Hi, buddy.
He may not even know what the "D" word Who am I?
means. Who am I?
I'm fine. He's 1. Come on.
I've watched him pee into his own face and He's your dad.
smile. That's right. He's your dad.
Hola, mi amor. Hi, dad. Hi, dad.
I wanted to talk to you. You can do it.
What are you doing? Come on, say, "Dad."
I decided to top Amy's little "Forgotten Come on.
Coat" trick Come on!
with a romantic gesture of my own. Andy!
You see -- Hey. How'd it go with Sophie?
Yes, about Amy... I did my best, but I don't think she's ready
I know that I don't know her, to forgive.
But she seems like some of those girls that Oh, damn it.
you have liked, I know. We're screwed.
but they haven't always-- Yeah, thanks a lot, Sophie.
You may not know her, but I do. Well, Tracy really was out of line.
I went on her Facebook page, - Was she? - Yeah.
and I put one of her favorite things Or was Sophie, per usual, being a big drama
in each of the pockets of her coat. queen?
So when she reaches inside-- Drama queen?
she'll find a small box of Dutch No, Tracy was spreading rumors
chocolates. that Sophie's boyfriend was still into

第 5 页 共 9 页

-【826】-
 Modern.Family.S05E11
Maya. when you couldn't quite commit to the show?
They weren't rumors. No. No, no, don't.
She heard it directly from someone No, no, no, it's fine.
who saw Maya and Rodney holding hands at We'll see them next time,
the pier. just as soon as that tiger un-eats Roy.
Cam, who? Dana! I love the sign!
Yeah, like she can be trusted. Uh, I'm not sure.
This is Aidan all over again. First, I thought just a little accent of
Mitchell, it's from Tracy. color
"Mr.Tucker, thank you. was all it needed, but now I'm thinking
"Talked to Sophie. balloons.
Party's back on." Jay, what do you like better--
Are you kidding me? the accent or the balloons?
Oh, my gosh, you're an evil genius! I've been asking myself that since I met
You are! You know what? you.
I give Tracy a lot of credit for admitting Can I just say,
she was wrong. I do. I want this type of playful banter in my
Yeah, even though it was Sophie's fault. relationship.
- No! - Hmm? What? As long as you say it someplace else.
They're still using our venue! Good one.
No! Are you kidding me?! What are you doing? They're gonna be here
- This is so frustrating! - Really? any moment.
Are you sure that's how you feel, I've been combing through Manny's
or do you need a little more time to think yearbook.
about it? I found a few girls he might have a shot
Sounds like you're trying to make a point with.
there. Happen to know what Lisa Nagel's like from
Wow, I'm surprised you picked up on that the neck down?
so quick. I didn't tell him what you told me to say.
Yeah, you're definitely dancing around What? Why?
something. Because he told me what he's going to do
I feel like it's speed-related. when Amy comes here,
Yeah, we lost the carriage house because and it's beautiful.
you, I think he has a better chance than you
true to form, think.
couldn't make a timely decision. He knows how to talk to girls.
We were out of the room for two second-- He knows how to talk to a girl
What is this "True to form" business? -- you.
28 Richdale Road. I hope you have a recent picture of his
Oh, my god, are you kidding me? heart.
You hemmed and hawed over our dream house, You're gonna need it putting the pieces
and now somebody else is eating breakfast back together.
in our nook! I'll get it!
I needed the weekend! Hey, Mandrake.
I never saw myself in a ranch! Hi, Phil. I heard about jail.
And what about Las Vegas - How are you doing? - It was rough.

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【827】-

Stayed in that cold cell
a lot longer than I needed to thanks to my
lovely --
Your system is ridiculous, Phil.
Quite simple, actually!
"Cheddah" rhymes with "Hedda."
Where do you rest your head on? Your pilla!
- Help me out, buddy. - I have no buddy.
But... Luke?
I'll get it!
Would you please just let it go?
I did let it go immediately.
You're the one who hesitated,
like you do with everything.
The whole way here.
Dad, before you get mad, I'm --
Oh, we passed "Before I get mad" hours ago
when I was sitting in solitary for your
crime!
It was only solitary because no one else
was in there.
You paid Haley to take me driving?
Uh -- that's right.
Haley told me everything!
You made up a fake union
just so you wouldn't have to be with me?!
Alex, I am so sorry.
Haley, I trusted you.
Good luck trusting anyone in this family,
especially dad.
Usually when I drag you kicking and
screaming to something,
you thank me afterwards.
This time, I was wrong.
What did he do?
He lied me into a dance class.
Luke, I am so sorry.
Haley, you are in so much trouble!
So much trouble!
Stop trying to make this her fault!
What kind of parents lie to their kids?!
Yeah, what kind of lesson is that to teach
all of this?
Yeah, seriously, sometimes I want --
Hey, neither one of you knows the whole
story.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【828】-
Modern.Family.S05E11
Ah, please.
Let me tell them the truth.
Alex, the real reason
mom doesn't want to teach you to drive
is because she doesn't want you getting
your license.
- What? - Think about it.
Mom driving you around is kind of her
favorite time with you.
It's the only place where your nose isn't
buried in a book
and she can actually talk to you.
Sure, you're getting your license,
but she's losing her little girl.
Mom, is that true?
Come here.
And the only reason dad lied to you is...
Should I tell him, dad?
Fine.
Dad was a huge nerd in college.
He asked mom out like 10 times, and she
always said no.
Finally, he said, "I'll never bug you again
- if you do one thing." - Just one.
- "Dance with me." - Just dance.
He spun her around on the floor
and expressed himself with his body
- in a way he never could with words. -
That's beautiful.
Mom finally saw the dad
that we all know and love.
And you wanted to give that to me?
Come here.
Everybody, come for cake!
We can discuss my punishment later.
Did she learn that from us?
That can't be taught. It is a gift.
Yeah, she's still doing it,
following me around all moony-eyed.
She just won't get the message.
But on the bright side, Amy's on her way
over.
We need to talk.
Got to go, Reuben.
- What's up? - It's about your love life.
A lot of people here, Jay.

Consider it an intervention.
Now, this whole Amy thing is going nowhere,
but it sounds like you have a girl that
really likes you.
Now, I know it's not everything you want.
M-maybe she's a little thick in the middle.
I don't know.
But why don't you give her a try?
So you think that's the girl I should go
for?
She's obviously crazy about you.
I mean, what else do you even know about
her?
Hi, Manny.
Well, she's 6 and related to me.
Shall I go on?
Okay, that explains all the outfits
she rejected this morning.
The point remains.
You could lower your sights a little.
Good, we're still talking about this.
Ay, leave him alone.
When Amy comes, she's going to love her coat
surprise.
Who's Amy?
This girl Jay doesn't think is into me,
but she left her coat here.
Why else would a person do that?
By that logic, I love Denny's.
Even if she's not into me right away,
isn't it possible she could fall for me over
time?
No, there's a thing called chemistry.
People know right away.
Not necessarily.
I didn't know immediately that I liked you.
Well, maybe not the first minute.
One month.
A month? Yikes.
I'm with Manny.
Some people can trust their instincts
and leap in with both feet.
Others need to take their time.
Okay, what Cam is so subtly implying
is that he knew instantly with me
while I, as usual, took my sweet time.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【829】-
Modern.Family.S05E11
Well, guess what.
I knew instantly with you.
How about that?
- Actually, I didn't. - Okay, well, yes,
if you count that one disastrous brunch,
then --
- two months. - Two months?!
- Mm-hmm. - Yikes!
Well, I'm in the Jay camp.
When you meet the right person, bang!
That's what happened with -- How long?
Uh...six months?
Six months -- Yikes.
But you were preg-- tically engaged to me
by then.
Mm, nice save, dad.
Wait a minute.
I thought you fell in love with him
after he danced with you.
And that was six months in.
Why did it take you so long to dance with
me, Phil?
I don't know, Claire.
You'd think I would've gotten to it by then
since we lived together.
I'm sorry. I've been berating you about
dragging your feet, and,
and when it comes to us,
I'm even more hesitate-y than --
No, no, this is great because
that makes our real anniversary
two months later when we were both sure.
We can still book the carriage house for
our wedding.
Oh, my gosh, are you calling them?
- Yes! - Yes!
Although, I-I am --
- Call them. - Okay.
So, you were living with this guy the whole
time...
- Jay! - Aww, how cute!
He wants cake!
No, no, listen, listen, listen!
What's he saying?
- Jay. - Jay!
He's saying, "Jay"!
 Modern.Family.S05E11
He knows me!
And that "J" word, that's harder to say than
"Dada"!
He's a genius. Come here.
She's here!
This is it, Manny!
Go get her, buddy!
Hey, hey, hey, listen, kid.
Y-you might've been right about some people
needing a little more time before they come
around.
I mean, look at peanut here.
Good luck, Manny.
Thanks, Jay.
So, it took you six months, huh, Phil?
I can do six months.
I'll be here!
I'm not loving this.
His door is still closed.
What is he doing in there?
I think we both know what he's doing in
there.
He's been at it for hours.
That's how I was at his age.
He's gonna wear himself out.
You should talk to him.
I don't want to embarrass him.
- So, knock first. - Maybe you're right.
I don't want him doing it wrong and getting
hurt.
Luke?
I'm coming in.
Hey, man. Buddy!
Dad?! Get out of here!
Don't be embarrassed, son. It's perfectly
natural!
Get out!

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【830】-

Modern.Family.S05E12
Okay, everybody. Cake time!
Thank god. I really have to study.
Oh, sweetheart, can't you just take a
minute to enjoy it?
It's your birthday.
You put too much pressure on yourself.
I remember my sweet 16.
I wanted a theme party.
"Moonstruck" had just come out, but I
hadn't, so --
No stories, no time --
S.A.T.s.
Here we go, everybody.
Wait, wait.
We all know why we're here.
- Ay, honey, you missed one. - I know!
I know I missed one! I'm not an idiot!
There! Happy?!
- You're being a little... - Obstreperous?!
Recalcitrant?! Truculent?!
I was gonna say "Cray-cray."
Alex, sweet...
I really need to focus!
There is a 16-year-old science prodigy
studying cancer research at Johns Hopkins!
16! What am I doing?!
I'm eating cake!
No, no, no.
Cake! Cake! Cake!
Alex might be a little bit fragile after
last night,
so let's try to be sensitive.
Oh, believe me -- I am going to be
nothing but nice to Alex from now on.
If she snaps and goes on a rampage,
who do you think she's coming for first?
She's not going on a rampage.
I bet she'd let me live. She likes me.
I'm just gonna say it -- I never trusted
her.
Oh, everybody just be normal.
We're gonna treat her exactly the way we
usually do.
And there she is.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【831】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
- Hi, pretty girl. - How'd you sleep?
- Fine. - Your hair looks super-soft, Al.
And is that a great new sweater? Love!
Dad, can you hand me the butter knife?
No!
Haley, Luke, upstairs, please.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So, about my meltdown.
- Who? - What meltdown?
I want to see a therapist. I did some
research.
Dr. Gregory Clark -- highly recommended,
specializes in teenagers, and is covered
by our insurance.
I booked a double session with him today.
And since you guys have the open house,
I will be taking the bus.
- Okay. - That sounds good.
She's like a self-cleaning oven.
Check it out.
I'm rockin' the old school for the open
house today.
I'm gonna put the "Fizz" back in "Phys Ed.",
I love it -- all of it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because I want to make a good impression
today.
I want to be the teacher all the parents
are talking about.
Well, that explains the socks.
What?
There's a caste system at school --
Academic teachers at the top, gym teachers
at the bottom.
It's offensive and disrespectful.
They treat us like we're lunch ladies.
Hey, there, neighbor.
- It's Asher, right? - Yeah.
Um, I just wanted to let you know --
I think there might be something
- wrong with your air conditioner. - Oh,
really?
Yeah, I mean, it just seems to be running
a lot,
even when it's, uh, kind of cool outside.

No, no.
Um, my partner runs a little hot.
Not as hot as our planet.
Sorry. I don't mean to be that guy.
It's just, um, we're all in this together.
Yeah, I drive a Prius, so...
And that's a nice little gesture.
My car runs on reclaimed cooking oil.
I have some literature, if you want it.
That's okay. Save the paper.
I haven't printed anything since 2004.
I was gonna e-mail you.
On your power-hungry computer?
My entire house is solar-powered.
I sell energy back to the grid
and use that money to save polar bears.
I'm an environmental lawyer,
so, you know, I'm pretty green.
So is your lawn.
I went drought-tolerant --
Succulents, indigenous plants, rock
garden.
My other daddy says your yard looks like
a litter box.
She's a cute kid.
I remember when she was in disposable
diapers.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Why do you look like that when I look like
this?
My friends say it's because of your money.
No, I'm just saying why is she all dressed
up
for a school open house?
I want to impress Manny's history teacher.
I want Manny to go to Washington, D.C.
Yeah, Junior Congress.
Only one kid in the whole grade gets picked
to go.
I think I can make a difference.
Regular Congress can't even make a
difference.
Don't worry, Manny. I have it covered.
You just go and enjoy your date.
I have a date. It's no big deal.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【832】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
D-don't make a whole thing about it.
What did I do with my car keys?
I mean, we're just friends now,
but I have a good feeling.
I know -- don't get ahead of myself.
Every time I put them down.
What is her name?
Either Zoe or Piper.
How can you be going on a date and you don't
know her name?
This is where it gets interesting.
I seriously doubt that.
A few days ago, we almost let a girl come
between us.
- Who is she? - The new girl.
- She's pretty. - Super-pretty.
Dibs.
What?! N-no. You can't call dibs.
She's a human being with feelings,
not the front seat.
Then a miracle happened.
Twins -- each as pretty as the other.
It's funny -- Luke and I don't usually
go for the same kind of girl.
Yeah. I like to describe my type as
"Gettable".
What are you doing, Tucker?
Oh, hey, Principal Brown.
Do you know how other teachers drone on and
on
to parents with their boring lectures?
Well, I thought I would go another way.
Oh. Well, I don't like the sound of that
at all.
I think you will.
I'm gonna spice things up with a spirited
game of dodgeball.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, before you say "No"...
I already said "No."
...let me show you my whole bit.
Howdy, folks.
My name's Tucker.
I'm the Sheriff of Dodge...ball.
"Laugh, laugh, laugh."
And then --

No, no "then." No.
Have you seen the shape some of these folks
are in?
We don't need a parent dropping dead in
here.
Look, this is the "Dolphin Den."
I am not renaming it
the Harvey K. Mandelbaum memorial gym.
But I was gonna divide everybody up into,
the Hatfield and McCoys.
Just no dodgeball.
Hello, Mr. Ingram.
I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett,
Manny's mother.
Yes, of course.
I just wanted to thank you so much.
He thinks the world of you.
You know, as a child of an immigrant,
he can look at the world with such a fresh
perspective.
And talking about fresh,
I brought you some empanadas.
Subtle.
Hey, Phil. Where's Claire?
Oh, she's going to Alex's classes.
I'm doing Luke's.
I'm surprised to see you here.
Isn't your team playing today?
Yeah. Gloria made me come.
I think I'm recording the game,
but, you know, you can never know.
The last time, I got six hours of Bravo.
And who knows?
Maybe Manny's going to be the first Latino
President.
Hello, Mr. Ingram.
Dr. Donna Duncan,
Wesley's mom.
Just brought you a little thank-you
for being his absolute favorite teacher
ever.
- Those cupcakes are so white. - Thank you.
Dr. Donna Duncan.
I'm Gloria.
We've met several times.
Oh, of course.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【833】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
Mario's mom.
Manny.
And how is he fitting in now? Better?
Anyway...
Here she is.
You brought a flask to an open house?
You want some? It's Scotch.
No. Put it away.
Don't be such a goody-goody.
Taste it. It's older than you are.
- I don't want any scotch. - Well, just
smell it.
- Fine. - Mr. Dunphy, is that a flask?
No. It is. It I--
Uh, I was -- it's his.
No, it's not.
For the record, no alcohol is allowed on
school premises.
For god's sake, Phil,
it's 2:00 in the afternoon.
So, Alex, tell me why you're here.
I had a little meltdown last night,
and I'm afraid it'll happen again.
But, this time, in the middle of the S.A.T
or something.
Why do you think you melted down?
I'm stressed.
It's my junior year.
Part of me feels like
the limbic system in my brain's a bit off.
That's a thing, right? I did some research.
You know I charge the same
even if you diagnose yourself?
I'm just trying to move this along.
I have a lot to do.
Well, uh, this is a process.
You know, it takes some time.
What -- what are you thinking?
- Nothing. - No, no. Go ahead. Tell me.
That maybe you're not up for this.
I mean, no offense.
You're just a lot older than you look on
your website.
Did you even have S.A.T.s when you were in
high school
or Asian kids?

Oh, no. no, no, no.
But there were other things I worried about
--
Spanish inquisition,
sailing off the edge of the world,
learning how to understand fire.
Sorry.
- You mind if we try something? - What?
Just do me a favor.
Take a deep breath.
Great.
Now... what's on your mind?
Well... I just remembered that I forgot
to charge my computer before I left
and that I have to get new index cards
before Monday.
Hopefully they don't run out of the blue
ones,
because, for some reason, those help me
study better.
Maybe it's because they're easier to read
or maybe my prescription's getting worse.
I should probably make an appointment with
the eye doctor.
Also, should I get a job this summer
or would an internship look better on my
application?
And what is up with Hillary?
Is she going to run or not?
I mean, I feel like she'd totally
understand
the feeling of being overwhelmed,
but also like you're not doing enough at
the same time.
Hey, Nina, how's Sanjay?
Oh, great. Thanks.
He's just dealing with the S.A.T.s and the
A.C.T.s.
And that merit scholarship application
everyone's so stressed about.
What -- what application?
Let's begin by talking about the A.P.
Physics test,
which, as you know, takes place on...
May 21st.
With Luke and Haley,
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【834】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
I'm on top of everything because they
aren't.
But Alex is so self-sufficient,
I just sort of put it in cruise control.
I've fallen asleep at the wheel,
and now my little genius is covered in cake.
Now, a list of practice tests I recommend
the students take before then
3a, 4c, 12a through "f,"
Meanwhile, a great artist like Bob Dylan
would get voted off in the first round,
which --
If you wet the end,
it will stick to his face.
You're a genius.
Piper, that's rude.
You know, Manny, in chorus,
we sing "Blowin' in the wind."
Now that's blowin' in the wind.
You're funny, Luke.
Manny and I need to use the restroom.
We do?
You've got to switch with me.
What? No, we can't do that.
They're twins. They'll never notice.
You realize we're not twins, right?
Special dollhouse delivery for Lily!
It's here, it's here!
I think you're going to love it.
I spent so many hours playing with this when
I was your age.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, quick, turn off your car.
Why? It's in park, I think.
I have a judgey green neighbor.
He had the nerve to come over here
and tell me that I'm not green enough.
Shut up! You're super-green.
Thank you. I'm -- I'm recycling a
dollhouse.
I even recycled a child.
- Didn't you win some award? - Yes, yes.
The state bar association award for
sustained excellence
in the field of environmental...
yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one.

...law. There was one word left.
You didn't have to cut me off.
Dollhouse, please.
Okay. Yeah, in a minute.
You know what you should do?
March right over there
and wave that trophy in his stupid eco face.
No. You think?
Yes. Those people are so annoying.
There's this girl at my school
who was all over me about my boots 'cause
they're leather.
Meanwhile, she's wearing Crocs,
like those aren't endangered.
You know what? I am gonna do that.
Show him to out-green me.
- Okay. Oh, no. - Oh, no.
All right, those are blowing into his yard.
That is -- okay, that's definitely gonna
hurt my case.
Uh, you pick these up.
I'm gonna go get the trophy. Lily, help her.
I heard that "recycled child" comment.
Thanks to your little flask,
now the teacher thinks I'm a burnout.
Football game.
Football game!
- What are you doing? - You can do this now.
I saw it in a commercial.
Not with that phone.
You might as well say it into your wallet.
Come on. We're gonna be late for math.
I'm not going to any more boring classes.
You're just gonna cut?
No,I'm just not gonna go because I'm in my
60s.
Teacher's lounge.
They got a TV in here.
- We can't go in the teacher's lounge. -
Why not?
- Um, it's for teachers only. - You're a
teacher.
Right now, you're teaching me how to be a
little bitch.
Jay, don't. Jay.
Jay!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【835】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
So, when do you think you'll be making your
decision?
Oh, sometime in the next week or so.
Oh, take your time. It would be rude to rush
you.
Not as rude as interrupting two people
in the middle of a conversation.
Well, actually, I'll go.
I'm gonna go grab some coffee.
Good idea because those cupcakes look very
dry.
Okay. This is unbelievable.
They just gave me four books on applying
to top colleges.
When am I gonna have time to read all this?
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you there. Come on, girls.
Oh, she's so mean.
- Everybody sees me. - Who was that?
Dr. Dooda Dada.
She thinks that she can flirt her son all
the way to Washington,
but I'm gonna take her down.
I would love to chat, but I got to get to
A.P. Calc.
Physical education is a critical part of
every school day.
As we develop the mind, so we must the body.
This begins with good nutrition, uh,
physical activity,
sportsmanship, and attention to personal
hygiene.
No, please, please, please don't go.
I know this is boring, but this isn't my
idea.
I wanted to play a spirited game of
dodgeball, but --
That sounds fun. I'll play dodgeball.
I'll play, too.
Anything's got to be better than this.
Oh, well, you know what?
We're really not supposed to, but you know
what?
Hey, guys, listen to this. My name's Cam.
I'm the sheriff of Dodge...ball.
Okay, you guys are the Hatfields.

You are the McCoys.
Mr. Mandelbaum, I'd like you to stay
seated.
You're gonna be our referee.
All right, everybody, let's dodgeball!
Dodgeball was a smash.
Dr. Donna and Gloria were like two
assassins
just picking off their victims one by one.
Okay, last two dodgeballers.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Are you ready?
Yes!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm going to kill you!
Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, don't!
Ow! My eye! I don't understand you!
So, you like theater,
and you just put this fake thumb in our
fries.
Yep.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here
and say we're with the wrong people.
Let's just switch dates and get this party
started.
What? We don't want to switch.
Yeah. I'm not attracted to you.
And I'm not attracted to you.
Wait a minute.
We like all the same things, but you don't
think I'm cute?
I've got a thing for Latin men.
I like 'em dumb.
- Ugh. Well, that's just offensive. - And
shallow.
Just because we're guys doesn't mean we
don't have feelings.
Yeah. I don't feel good about this.
It makes me feel...
bad.
Come on, Luke. Let's get out of here.
Our parents aren't home.
If you want, we'll make out with you.
I'm not proud of what happened next.
I am.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【836】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
He's not home.
How's the cleanup going?
Well, I think I got most of them.
You've been at this a while.
How come you only have like eight peanuts?
Instead of carrying them around,
I made a huge pile right over th--
- Again?! - Geez. They're everywhere.
Oh, god. No! Bird!
Aah! Oh, no!
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no! What is that smell?!
It smells like french fries!
It's biodiesel. Can you plug it up?
- Oh, what? With what? Popcorn? - Oh, geez.
Oh, god.
No! My boots! This is a disaster!
Save the seals!
What -- what -- what -- what the hell?
What did you do?
Uh, I won a green award.
That's what.
You think you can get this thing to work?
Hey, you're supposed to be the lookout.
What if somebody walks in?
Gee, they'll call my parents.
Hey! Look! You did it!
Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
Listen, I'm gonna get back to class.
Before you go, let me ask you a question.
How do you know how to do all this stuff?
Back in high school, I was in the A.V. Club.
We did all kinds of crazy things.
One year, we hid a microphone in the gym.
We could totally hear everything that was
going on at prom.
I used to make fun of guys like you.
This is pretty cool.
Really?
You think this is cool...
First down! All right.
Best open house ever.
It's all gravy when you're in the A.V.
Admit it -- doesn't it feel good
to break a few rules,
take a walk on the wild side?

- You're welcome. - No, you're welcome.
I'm the one who set this whole thing up.
Let's just say we make a good team.
To us.
There he goes. There he goes.
Come on, come on! Come on!
Come on! Yeah!
I've been like this for as long as I can
remember.
Can you give me an example?
Well, when I was little,
I was in a spelling team at school
and I really wanted to win.
I don't know why. There was no prize.
No one cared.
My parents didn't even know I was in it.
I just felt this weight on my shoulders,
like if I lost, I'd...I don't know.
- I just had to win. - And did you?
Yep. Know what the winning word was?
Responsibility.
Is that what you feel?
A responsibility to win all the time?
To always be the best?
That's one way to put it.
And this responsibility -- where does it
come from?
I'm not sure. It's just...there.
So it's an internal pressure.
Kind of.
I mean, once you start overachieving,
people expect things from you.
Like what people?
You know, the world...
Teachers, parents, other kids.
It's not all internal.
Don't get me wrong.
I like the way I'm wired.
It's what's going to get me into a good
school.
It's what makes me who I am.
And how is that -- being who you are?
I don't know.
Mostly good.
A little exhausting.
Sometimes hard.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【837】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
I guess there's your answer.
It's hard being me.
Tell me a little more about your family.
They're pretty normal, I guess.
I'm not like any of them,
- But that doesn't really bother me. - Ever?
Only when they say things like "Alex, you
study too much"
or "Don't freak out" or "Go do something
fun."
So, your siblings--
they don't experience the same pressures
you do.
Oh, god, no. They don't care about school.
Hmm. Why do you think that is?
I mean, you all grew up in the same house
with the same parents, yet you're the only
one
who feels this enormous pressure
to achieve at such a high level.
Why do we even have to talk about my family?
They don't have anything to do with this.
They don't get me.
How's that feel?
- I don't know. - You're a smart girl.
- Try a little harder. - I said I don't know.
I feel...
kind of alone.
I realize our juniors are busy with SATs,
so as a rule,
I only give two hours of homework a night.
- Two hours? - Our students are highly
advanced.
It's nothing they can't handle.
You know, I'm-- I'm sure they can.
It's just that if they have two hours in
this class
and they have an hour for A.P. Bio
and an hour and a half for, um, advanced
lit
and-- hang on one second.
Let me just do this on the board,
'cause then it's-- um, we got 2 and 1 and
1.5
and then another, uh, hour and a half
for A.P. History-- gives us...

- It's 6. - Yes!
Nina, I was getting there.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
If I could just have a second to think
without all the tippy-tappy typing.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You've ruined dodgeball for everyone.
She was the one who threw that ball in my
face.
Only because you threw yourself at Mr.
Ingram.
Okay, ladies, please.
Can't you see what's going on here?
You both just want what's best for your
kids.
I need to get this trip for Wesley.
I'm tired of him being so mad at me all the
time.
Why is he mad?
Oh, he blames me for the divorce.
His father will always be the hero.
It's hard to blame someone who's never
there.
Now, can't you relate to that?
It will get better.
Kids always figure out who's really there
for them.
Again, we're very sorry about the
projector.
I'll send a check on Monday.
- Hi, honey. - I got in trouble.
Whatever she did, add it to my tab.
- All right, let's do this. - No. No, no,
no.
Not you two, just you. Come on, sheriff.
Oh, hey, honey. How did it go?
Good. And I made another session for next
week.
How was the open house?
Wow. So intense.
I had no idea the kind of pressure you're
under.
Honey, I was just you for two hours.
I could barely hold it together.
I don't know how you don't have a meltdown
every day.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【838】-
Modern.Family.S05E12
- I... - Oh, honey.
Sweetie, what? Did I say something?
Yes.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Again, I am so sorry.
I-I guess, in retrospect, it was a little
crazy
that I wanted to show you my state bar
association award.
Stop.
And it's possible I come on a little too
strong.
No. No, no.
I like to think that I'm greener than I am,
but maybe I just want the credit
without doing all the hard work that you
do.
Well, you're right-- it is hard,
but, you know, it's also alienating.
You know, no one wants to be friends with
me.
I-I can't tell you the last time
I had people over for dinner,
which is probably a good thing.
You know, with solar power,
it takes four days to roast a chicken.
- Really? - If you want it cooked all the
way through, yeah.
You know I had salmonella three times?
If you want to come over to our house for
dinner,
- we kind of owe you. - You can play with
my dollhouse.
Yeah?
Does it made from sustainable materials?
Forget it.

Modern.Family.S05E13
Hi, there.
I'll be your server for tonight.
My name is Brian if you guys need anything.
What's your name if we don't need anything?
Patricia.
You're quick, Patricia!
Thanks. So, our specialty cocktail for
tonight
is a basil-infused mojito.
Oh, yum! We'll take three.
Uh, no. That's okay. I'm good.
Come on, now. Join us for a specialty
cocktail
- on our specialty evening. - Yeah.
- Three, please. - Okay.
If you don't drink it, someone will.
Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh?
I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me.
I mean I want his lips on my mouth.
Uh, can we just cut to the chase?
He's got great lips.
No, no, no, no, no. What are we doing here?
What is this about?
Nothing! We just wanted to have a fun night
out
with our daughter.
Yeah! Just think of us as your friends.
- Yeah! - I don't have 45-year-old friends.
Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents
yet, either, honey,
so calm down.
Haley has no plan for her future
whatsoever.
She's living in our basement,
taking community-college classes, and,
well, meandering.
So we're gonna take her out. We'll have some
fun.
And then gently ease her
into a friendly conversationabout her
future.
As opposed to the approach that we've taken
in the past.
Is this what you're gonna do with your life
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【839】-
Modern.Family.S05E13
--
Sleep late and take a selfie?!
Why are you always criticizing me?!
Is this really how you want to start the
day?!
My day started 5 hours ago.
I am under a lot of pressure!
How?! How?! You take three classes a week,
and you miss half of them!
The parking is tricky!
Morning, sunshine. I saved you some lunch.
I get it, okay?! I'm lazy! God!
You know what drives me crazy?
Getting these customer-satisfaction calls
during dinner.
They change the oil on your car,
they want a love letter!
I know. I'm waiting for a call from my
doctor's office --
"Please rate your prostate exam.
Would you say you were satisfied?"
I hope you weren't.
"I hope you weren't."
That's a good one, Gloria!
Do you know how hard it is
to be funny in a second language, Jay?
Esta Hermosa Dama es muy buena.
Ay, Darlene, you're learning Spanish?
Yes, Shorty and I have been taking classes.
- We're getting good. - Oh, yeah.
I es maravilloso!
You said "That's wonderful," right?
My Italian helps me.
Why the sudden interest in Spanish?
Well, actually, there's something we have
to tell you,
you know? All right. How's this? We're-
- We're moving to Costa Rica! - Yeah!
- What?! - When?
In a couple of weeks. The cost of living
is so low down there,
you know? We found this beautiful place on
the water.
It's got its own private beach.
Bathing suits are optional.
But encouraged.

Ay, I'm going to miss you guys.
Don't worry about it. I give it three months,
tops.
You hate the beach. And you know how humid
it is down there?
I love the steam room at the club.
It's the same thing, except I don't have
to see you
sitting there like a pile of melted ice
cream.
'cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel.
I'm just ready for an adventure.
I want to try something new.
Stick around here. Pick up a check every
now and then.
Why do you always have to be so negative?
I think it's great.
No, you're right. I'm sorry.
I'm surprised, that's all.
Let's toast this amazing new chapter of
your lives.
To mosquitoes the size of your fist.
This is why all your friends move away.
To us, alone at last.
We both look very handsome tonight.
You know, if you -- if you'd just said
that I looked handsome, I would have said,
"So do you."
I couldn't take that chance.
I wanted to get off on the right foot.
Mitchell and I desperately need
a romantic night out to reconnect.
Yeah. I don't --
I don't know if it's the stress of planning
a wedding,
but we've been a little tense with each
other lately, huh?
Even our friend J'marcus said how bitchy
we've been.
What -- when did he say that?
Oh, at Pepper's party
that night you wore those pants that don't
fit you anymore.
Oh, right. And you brought that bad wine
that everybody hated.
- See? We really need this. - We really do.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【840】-
Modern.Family.S05E13
Oh, you know, uh, Pepper said
that for our cake tasting,
we needed to have --
Remember our rules -- no wedding talk, no
Lily talk.
I'm sorry. No, you're right.
So, just gonna...
Should we hear the specials again?
We can't ask him a third time.
You know what I might try when I'm down
there?
Surfing.
So it's gonna be a closed casket.
My turn.
What are you talking about? I just sunk the
3 ball.
Then you moved the cue ball with your stick
while you were telling me how you were gonna
move away
from Southern California to try surfing.
I didn't touch the cue ball.
Yeah, I know. But you did.
You're calling me a cheater? You?
The guy on the golf course who can't seem
to count higher than 5?
Maybe I can't keep track of my shots
because somebody won't stop talking.
It is in my nature to comment on
the bizarre and unusual things I see in the
world,
like that convulsion you call a golf swing.
You know what? I'm done here.
No, I've done.
I will not have my integrity questioned
here.
I was a Marine.
I served with guys who died.
Of old age!
You never left the states!
Are you saying I didn't serve my country?
Which one, America or Costa Rica?
What's with you and Costa Rica?!
It's a terrible idea!
You get into things without thinking,
and you need to be rescued,
like that time you bought that car

that was supposed to turn into a boat!
- Yeah? - It turned into a reef!
That's 'cause you left your door cracked
open!
Yes, it was my fault.
Mark my words --
Costa Rica is another amphibicar
at the bottom of a lake.
Only this time, I won't be bailing you out!
Who asked you?!
Darlene, we're going!
Wha-- wha-- what do you mean, we're going?
Gracias, Gloria.
That was a lovely dinner.
And you are an incredible woman for putting
up with this gringo!
- Come on! - What happened?
Good luck in Costa Rica!
- Aw, thanks, Jay. - He didn't mean it!
I know! I'm trying to defuse the tension.
- Here we go, guys. - Oh, yeah!
- Three more Mojitos. - Yum!
Aren't these yum?
I didn't even drink the first one.
Are you sure? 'cause I don't think it drank
itself.
No, it did not.
Look, I have no problem drinking.
I can literally do it standing on my head.
But, "A," not with my parents,
and plus, also, I needed to stay sharp,
because they were obviously up to
something,
and I was in no mood.
I barely got 10 hours of sleep last night.
So, I'll go get you guys some more water,
and your food should be out in just a few
minutes.
Thanks so much, pal. We appreciate it.
He seems like a real go-getter, huh?
Oh, 'cause he goes and gets things?
I wonder what he wants to do with his life.
I wonder that about people all the time.
I think that's very common,
to wonder about other people's
aspirations.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【841】-
Modern.Family.S05E13
I do it all the time.
- Yeah, you do. - Yeah. Here we go.
Hey, Brian, you're a young guy.
Wha-- wha-- what do you want to do after
this? What's your plan?
Uh, to be perfectly honest,
I'm probably gonna go home, watch a movie,
and get high.
You guys looking for something to do?
No. No. No.
Oh. I mean, I think I got extra.
No, no, that's --
I-I think he meant your plan for your life,
not -- not just tonight.
Oh. I want to be a screenwriter.
- Ambitious. - And -- and so interesting.
Isn't that interesting, Haley?
- Sure. - You should tell him what you're
doing.
Oh, you mean after we all go get high with
Brian?
That's not happening.
I'm sorry. I meant that --
No, I know what you meant.
Hey, Brian, could you give us a second?
Uh, ye-- sure.
So this is what this whole night's about
--
the drinks, the pretending to be my friend?
We are your friend.
Honey, we care about you.
And we want to make sure that you -- you've
got a plan,
'cause it seems like you're meandering.
No. Sweetie, don't just start texting
because you don't like the conversation.
- Here. - What is this?
That's a blog that I've been doing.
I'm really liking my photography,
and people always say that they like the
way that I dress,
so I've been posting pictures of my outfits
on this site.
I know it's not a huge money-maker right
now,
but I do get money whenever someone clicks

on a link
and buys something that I wore.
I'm gonna take a business class next
semester,
which I'm hoping will help me turn all of
this
into becoming a stylist.
I have 1,200 followers.
Most are women who want to know what to
wear.
Some are men who want to know what I'm
wearing,
But, you know, I'm trying to figure a way
to block all of the pervs.
So, yeah. I guess that is my plan.
It's amazing.
We are so proud of you.
Don't even, guys. You always assume the
worst of me.
Honey --
No, you guys sit here
acting like we're drinking buddies,
judging me,
when I have a better handle on my future
than either one of you did at my age.
You? You wanted to be a magician.
And you were changing your major every
three minutes,
according to grandpa --
who, by the way,
has been drinking with me for years
because he loves me,
and he thinks I say funny things when I'm
buzzed.
Well, apparently, the situation in Syria
is worsening.
I know.
In fact, now U.N. evidence suggests that
Assad was --
Are you reading this off your phone?
What?!
You're --
No! No! What --
- I was just making sure my facts were
straight... - Cam.
...before I started a spirited
Modern.Family.S05E13
conversation of current events.
Yeah.
What else does it say?
Thank you.
Sorry. Is that the tuna tartare?
Yes, and it is delicious.
Oh, I should've ordered it.
Would you like a taste?
Oh, no. But thank you. That's very sweet.
She really means it. Uh, Katie loves
sharing food.
Me, too. You know, I think
it's growing up in a big family,
'cause everything at suppertime on the
table
was up for grabs.
We didn't say grace.
We said, "On your marks, get set, go."
You sound exactly like my dad.
He was from this really big family in
Missouri, and --
Shut up!
I'm a Missouri farm boy, myself!
- Stop! - Oh, my gosh! I'm Cam.
Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam.
This is Brandon.
Hi. She doesn't really talk like that.
Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent
like Kate Winslet in "Titanic."
- Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way. - Hi.
- Hi. - What -- what's yours, Brandon?
It looks delicious, too.
It's the truffle parmesan gnocchi.
Do you know what, though? If you want a bite
of that,
you're barking up the wrong tree.
'cause that dish is in a strict no-share
zone.
I just --
I don't like people eating off my plate.
Yeah, because you're not an animal. I'm the
same way.
Oh, my gosh! You're exactly us!
No, you guys are more interesting,
'cause you have the whole gay thing.
Katie, you don't know if they're gay.

第 4 页 共 9 页

-【842】-

Okay, that's adorable.
Yeah, it was -- it was a pretty safe bet.
Okay. I'm running to the powder room.
Cam, please try the tartare,
because whatever you order, I want a taste.
Okay. Well, don't you dillydally,
because I ain't exactly slow once I tie on
the ol' feed bag!
Calm down, honey boo boo.
- She's so cute! - Very adorable.
So, Brandon, what do you do for a living?
Are you --
Look, guys. I-I hate to be blunt,
but could you please give us some space?
Not a problem.
Look, no -- no, it's --
I mean, you guys are great. But I'm gonna...
propose to Katie tonight.
And I'm kind of feeling -- yeah.
What?! Here?!
Oh, my god! That's amazing!
We just got engaged a few months ago.
Great.
Yeah, so we will definitely give you your
privacy.
- Congratulations. - Absolutely.
Yeah. Good luck.
You know what? If you wanted,
I could pretend like I'm texting,
and I could video the whole thing on my
phone.
That way, you'd have it forever.
Really? I mean, that -- yeah.
- That would be awesome. - A-are you sure?
He gets very, uh, well, excited.
And he might give it away.
Mitchell, um, I think I know Katie well
enough
to tell if she's getting suspicious.
- Cam?! - She said I could.
The hell's the corkscrew?
Do you want to talk about it?
There's nothing to talk about!
Shorty does dumb things all the time.
You mark my words -- in three months,
he'll be back here needing money.
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【843】-
Modern.Family.S05E13
Maybe this is not about Shorty coming back.
Maybe this is about Shorty not coming back.
Manny.
What she's saying is, deep down,
you're afraid Shorty's going to love Costa
Rica,
and you'll lose your best friend forever.
That's what you do.
You push people away, so when they leave,
it doesn't hurt that much.
I don't get it. You're the greatest
generation,
but why can't you feel?
Why can't you spend your teen years
locked in your bedroom like a normal kid?
See? Now he's doing it to me.
Uh, you have to face it, Jay.
One day, I'll be moving out of this house.
Can I get that in writing?
'cause I just can't shake this image of a
30-year-old you
eating my food and cuddling with my wife.
Boys should never stop cuddling their
mothers.
I'm gonna have nightmares!
You pretend to be so tough.
But you know what I think?
I think that deep down,
you're the most sensitive person in this
house.
See?
You did it again.
I say something that strikes a nerve,
and immediately, you cannot handle it.
That's why you "Pbht" in my face!
We just found the one thing you can't make
sexy.
There it is again.
I need a drink.
Jay, you have to make this right with
Shorty.
You have to tell him how you feel!
He has been a great compadre with you for
many years.
Besides, who else is going to laugh at your
jokes?

Lots of people laugh at my jokes.
Name one person that doesn't work for you.
Hey, you know what? Why don't you two just
go cuddle?
Okay, here she comes.
Stay calm.
- You're gonna spoil it. - You stay calm.
Ooh, that looks good. What is it?
Um, uh, this is the grilled calamari.
It's scrumptious. Would you care for a
ring?
I -- um, I mean, dig in there, girlfriend!
Oh, no, that's okay. Thank you.
This looks so delicious.
Yeah, mine's delicious, too.
Katie...
You look so beautiful tonight.
You know, I-I've never met anyone like you,
and I know that I never will. And I...
I love you so much.
Will you make me the happiest man on earth
- and be my bride? - What?!
Oh, my god!
- No! - No?
No!
Sorry.
Did you know that this place used to be a
bank?
Was it, really?
I just -- I don't want to be married,
Brandon.
We'll end up like one of those couples
that just sits there with nothing to talk
about
until we glom on to other people.
I can't believe this. You -- you don't love
me?
- NO! - NO?
- I'm sor... - NO!
I need some air.
So, Syria, any updates?
- No, nothing yet. - Nothing.
Do you remember how cute she was when she
was little
- and she couldn't say her P's? - "BAKE
A-TATOES."
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【844】-
Modern.Family.S05E13
"Bake a-tatoes" and "Attlesauce".
"Attlesauce"!
"Can I have attlesauce?"
First of all, you're screaming.
Can we just get the check, please?
Could you please not be mad at us anymore?
We are very sorry that you felt
manipulated.
You know what I'm pretty sure is ironic?
You guys spend all this time worrying
about what I'm going to do,
and maybe you should start thinking
about what you're going to do.
What are you talking about?
Well, what are you gonna do when we're gone?
What's your plan?
- Uh, to be fine. - Yeah.
- 'cause we're fine. - Totally.
You guys are gone.
We get an R.V. Bam!
Me, mama...
and our dog, Merlin, hit the open road.
No. I am not spending my golden years
driving around an R.V. park,
looking for a place to plug my house in.
No. I am gonna go see the world.
Where do you wanna go?
I don't know, Phil. India. Africa.
Diarrhea. Diarrhea.
Wow. It sounds like you guys really need
to start thinking
about your future.
Are you just gonna put Merlin in a kennel
when we're gone?
Okay, Phil, Merlin doesn't exist.
And why do you want to get a dog to take
care of
so soon after the kids leave?
Well, I'm gonna need someone to love me,
Claire.
And in the meantime, mom,
grandpa wants you to take over the business,
but...
Do you want that?
I-I guess I hadn't thought this far into
the future.
 Modern.Family.S05E13
And, dad, are you just gonna keep selling I mean, we're so different. And I know it
houses? seems petty,
I mean, I don't want to blow your mind here, but it speaks to something bigger.
but you could still be a magician. I don't know if I can spend the rest of my
I could. life
He couldn't. with the kind of guy who won't let me eat
Really? off his plate.
This salt shaker behind your head says Trust me -- it can be done.
different. And I should not make such a big deal about
Oh, Phil, you're getting salt all over me. that.
I feel like a Margarita. I promise I'll try and do better.
- You got it! - No, no, no, no, no, no! No, you're right. You don't like it,
Just the check, please. and I should respect that more.
Okay. Are you guys married?
Thank you so much. Oh, this May.
- Thanks, buddy. - Yeah. - But, basically, we've been married for
Oh, no. I left my wallet in the other coat. years. - Yeah.
I did not bring my purse. I-I mean, is Cam everything that I dreamed
It's fine, guys. I got this. of?
- Honey, thank you. - Oh, thank you, Tread lightly, counselor.
sweetie. Yes. Yes, he is.
- I should probably drive, too, huh? - Because through all the compromises
Probably. and negotiations and arguments
- I gue-- yeah. - Yeah. and sometimes even boredom,
Why don't you guys have the valet pull the I cannot picture my life without him.
car up That's very sweet.
while I pay the check? I would've scooted past the boredom, but...
That we can do. At the end of the day, Katie, you have to
Uh, you guys, it's that way. ask yourself,
- Mm-hmm. - It is. can you imagine your life without this
Y-you know, for the record, we do have a person?
lot to talk about. Hey. All right, look.
Yeah, we just took a couple of topics off I, uh, paid the check, okay? Let's just go.
the table Brandon, can you just please sit?
because we wanted to have a romantic date I've been talking to the guys here,
night. and they really opened my eyes.
And it probably put too much pressure on They did?
it to be special, Yes.
but the truth is, every day I spend with I've been trying to picture my life without
this man is special. you, and...
Oh, Cam! You know what?
Oh, no, I'm the lucky one. I can.
There we are. We didn't tell her that.
I'm sorry. I didn't say that.
I guess I just panicked when Brandon asked No, I want what you guys have, okay?
me. I'm sorry, Brandon.

第 7 页 共 9 页

-【845】-

I am so sorry, but we both deserve that.
I've never been so sure of anything.
You know what? I'm just...
gonna go get a cab, okay?
Goodbye.
And thank you.
- Don't-- don't thank us! - We didn't do
anything,
So... we didn't, honestly.
This is the worst night of my life.
I'm sorry.
But, I mean, um, a-at least now it's over.
You can... start to move on.
I've been trying to picture my life without
you.
And you know what?
- S-stupid phone. - I can.
It's a... devil phone.
When Mitchell was born, he was a month
premature.
So it was touch and go there for a while.
It's 2 a.m.
I walk out into the hospital waiting room
to get some air,
and there's Shorty.
He'd been sitting there for six hours
and refused to leave for the next two days.
That's where we got Mitchell's middle name.
Not Shorty --
Vincent.
"M.V.P."
We were a little premature on that one, too.
Gloria, I'm going for a drive!
Say hi to Shorty for me!
I'm not talking to you!
I was just coming to see you.
Um, I left my jacket.
Oh! There it is! Come on in.
Uh, Shorty, you know that stuff I said, uh
--
- Yeah, I get it. - We're good, huh?
Under the bridge.
All right. I'll see you.
Shorty, wait.
I need to say something to you.
Yeah.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【846】-
Modern.Family.S05E13
I want to thank you...
for all the great times we've had.
Yeah. We, um...
- We had a lot of laughs. - Yeah.
And you should know that, uh...
you're my best friend.
You know?
Probably the best friend I'm ever gonna
have.
Jay, I mean... what are you doing to me?
This is hard for me. I'm just...
I'm just trying to tell you how I feel.
Well, I'm gonna tell you how I feel.
I admire the hell out of you, Jay.
I always tell Darlene, "That's a real guy."
Self-made, stand-up,
the kind of guy you want to be in a foxhole
with.
Well, I'm not all that.
Well, it's not like I've been in a foxhole.
I'm gonna miss you, Vincent.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
I love you.
I love you, too, Jay bird.
I really, really do.
You call me, okay?
Every day.
Every damn day.
If I'm being honest,
this is a little girlier than I thought.
Two years.
How could she just walk away?
- You know what? She did you a favor. -
Absolutely.
- You can do so much better. - Oh, my god.
Insanely better.
No, he's not kidding. Brandon, you are
seriously gorge!
If you ask me, she got the better end of
the deal.
You really think so?
- Yes! Yes! - Yes!
And her whole fake blond thing? I don't
know.
- It was kind of trampy. - And truth be told,
she didn't seem that bright.
 Modern.Family.S05E13
And is she older than you?
- Because she looked significantly older
than you. - Trust us.
This is the best thing that's ever happened
to you.
Best thing that's ever happened to you.
Oh! Thank god you're still here!
I was on my way home, and all of a sudden,
I started crying.
And I realized I was just scared.
And I love you. And I'm so, so sorry.
And, yes, Brandon, if you'll still have me,
Yes, I will marry you!
- So nice meeting you. - Okay.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【847】-

Modern.Family.S05E14
Okay, gang.
Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival
continues.
It's been mighty cold in here since "The
Big Chill."
What say we warm our hearts by...
"St. Elmo's Fire"?
Yes!
Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob
Lowe--
I can get into that.
I'm still holding out hope I'll have plans
tonight.
Great. Two for two. Haley?
Oh, so fun, but I'm gonna have to say no.
I have a photography-class thing.
What kind of a thing?
Oh, you know, just an exhibit,
like, to show our photos.
Is it something that we should go to?
Claire, we just made plans.
Mom, this is a college class.
I'm not in the third grade.
Don't you have nap time there?
No. I have free periods,
during which I sometimes nap.
Is it me, or was she just being purposefully
vague?
Alex, I want you to go through her stuff
and find out about this thing tonight.
Wait, wait.
I-I don't feel good about us snooping.
I know. That's why I told Alex to do it.
I think Haley knows more than she's letting
on.
It breaks my heart how badly you want to
believe that.
We'll see you guys later.
Where are you going?
Riding our bikes to Xander's.
What are you doing there?
I don't know. Hanging out.
Sounds fun. Wear your helmets.
We will.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【848】-
Modern.Family.S05E14
I'm not writing my first novel by blowing
through a tube.
I don't like them going over to that kid's
house.
Why not?
Mm, Xander's a bad influence.
His older brother is even worse.
Huge stoner always walking around
in his army jacket with his muscles,
flipping his hair out of his blue eyes.
He told me I was looking good one time.
I mean, come on.
Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that.
But for now...Xander. I don't trust him.
Claire, you're a tough one to figure out.
You don't trust bad boys, and yet you
married one.
My handsome boy's so hungry.
All right. Be back in a few.
If Shorty calls, tell him I died,
but make sure you really sell it.
It's a funny thing we're doing.
How is that funny?
I knew you'd say that.
Just don't answer the phone. Bye, buddy.
What's all that about?
You mad at me or something?
I don't know.
Did you do something to make me mad?
Because then I am.
But if you didn't, then I am not.
I didn't do anything.
Then I am not mad.
I am mad.
Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some
woman.
Baby.
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby!
And I know it wasn't about me,
Because he knows that I hate when men call
me baby.
And, yes, people are allowed their private
thoughts,
and I shouldn't be so angry,
But I am latin, so I get to feel whatever

I want.
You want to tell me what I did?
Do you want to tell me what you did?
I don't know what I did.
Then I don't know what you did.
I'm bored. I'm going.
Don't forget your phone.
I got a bruise on my arm.
I don't know where it came from.
Oh, poor baby.
And then I realized
I don't want to work for Charlie anymore.
What I really want --
I'm sorry. I can't listen to this.
I need to tell you something,
but you have to keep it a secret.
Of course. I'm a lawyer.
I've heard murder confessions.
- Really? - Well, in --
in mock trials at law school.
But still, I never told anyone.
Seriously, this is only for you.
You can't even tell Cam. Promise?
Uh, okay.
Is everything all right?
Look under the table.
Above the ankle, below the knee, what do
you see?
I'm a little nervous about this, but --
Oh, oh, my gosh! You didn't?
I did. Calf implants.
Wow, and you really went for it, didn't you?
No, no, no. They're still swollen.
And that's why you're wearing sweat pants.
Okay, I was --
I was afraid you'd just given up.
So, whew!
They'll settle.
I'm gonna start casually referencing my new
workout plan,
and then I'm gonna debut them
memorial day at Laguna beach.
I personally don't think that you needed
them,
but if they make you happy --
- They do. - Good.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【849】-
Modern.Family.S05E14
I always wanted to be
one of those guys running in tights,
but I was too embarrassed about my legs.
Well, if you'd just gone running --
Yep. You're overthinking this, Mitchell.
No joke, you can't tell Cam.
I love him, but he is a giant blabbermouth.
Oh, come on. He's not that bad.
He just -- yeah, no, I can't even sell that.
Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure?
I'm just here to pick up Manny.
No need for a whole thing.
I don't know why I do that to him.
The guy's always so happy to see me.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
Manny's not here.
He actually went with Luke over to
Xander's.
Whoa! Manny didn't tell you he was going
either?
I told you, those boys are being cagey.
There is a chance
Gloria let me drive over here for nothing
as punishment.
I think she snooped on my phone,
read some of my e-mails.
That's not cool. E-mails are private.
They were from a friend I loaned money to.
- 100% your prerogative. - A woman.
Oh, no.
Well, I'll tell you what I'd do.
I'd tell my lady,
"You got no business being in my business."
Respect your man's boundaries.
Honey, you promised
you'd clean the pan if you made brownies.
Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first
and I'm letting it soak, woman.
He only talks like this when you're around.
Well, then, he's done for the day.
Oh, okay. Good.
- Bye, dad. - See ya...buddy.
I have tracked Luke's cellphone,
and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's.
Honey, I love technology as much as the next
Wozniak,,

but are we sure we want to be spying on our
kids?
No, and you also shouldn't try to friend
us
with fake Facebook profiles,
Margot LaCroix.
I was really hoping some
of this would go away when you got a job.
How about I just ask him?
Oh, man.
I wish you were my dad.
The things I would have done.
- Hello? - Hey, buddy.
Just making sure you got to Xander's okay.
Yep. All good.
Really? 'cause I hear traffic...
...and Xander lives on a pretty quiet
street, right?
Actually, we left Xander's,
and now we're at Sammy's.
Well, that makes perfect sense.
You have fun. Be safe.
He's lying.
Look. His friend Sammy lives here.
He's all the way over on Olympic and 20th.
Olympic and 20th?
That's the old salvage yard
where kids go to get high.
- What?! - No.
Oh, we are going there right now.
Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?
I'm gonna answer, and then I'm gonna walk
away.
Deal?
Okay.
I'm 420% sure.
Wow, she's bad at math.
Hey, guys.
Hi, daddy.
How was lunch?
Oh, it was fine.
Hey, when did salmon become a thing that
we put on salad?
2008 in the city, 2011 in the suburbs.
How was Brett? What's the drama du jour?
Nothing.
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Modern.Family.S05E14
Oh, please. It's never nothing with that
one.
His perm, the stalker he pretends to have,
nobody will date you when you work at the
I.R.S.
I hate it. What was it this time?
No, seriously, nothing.
I guess it is nice to have something other
than chicken
to throw on there.
Okay, why are you being so evasive?
I'm not being evasive. I--
Check out this new tie.
Oh, my gosh.
You are redirecting me,
like we do when Lily asks us a question
we don't want to answer
and just throw a doll in her face.
Wait a minute.
Don't be ridiculous.
Like I could do that with an adult.
Check out what I got for you.
Oh, good, yes. A garlic press.
I am so tired of my fingers smell--
Oh, my gosh. You did it again.
- What's that? - Oh, it's got to be good.
- What?! - Tell me.
- No, nothing. - Tell me.
- There's nothing to tell! - Tell me.
- There's nothing to tell! - Tell me, tell
me,
tell me, tell me.
Here. Answer me.
How does santa claus get to all of those
houses?
Okay, sweetie, the adults are talking right
now,
And look what daddy brought you.
Mitchell, when somebody tells me
something,
I can't wait to get home and tell you.
Don't you feel the same?
Of course I do.
But he -- he made me promise.
Well, you know what? We don't have to share
secrets.

We don't.
We already share a house, a life,
a daughter.
You know what?I don't --
I don't know why I care so much.
Okay, all right, okay.
He got calf implants.
Oh, my god! Oh, what do they look like?
Like he's smuggling two grapefruits.
Which, by the way, were also on my salad.
Okay, this is huge. This is huge.
Who all knows? We have to host a brunch.
Don't you dare tell a single person, okay?
He made me promise not to tell anyone,
especially you.
- Especially me? - Oh, please.
Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping
secrets.
Okay, well, I didn't know that was my
reputation.
Maybe that's a secret people have been
keeping from me.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Well, you did.
And you know what the sad thing is?
We could be laughing at someone's calf
implants right now.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm just watching you sleep.
You look so pretty.
Okay, but don't breathe so loud.
Hey, where are you going?!
I can't find a way in.
I can't see anything,
but I hear them laughing.
And you know why kids laugh.
Because their hearts are filled with joy,
not suspicion?
We have got to see what is going on in there.
Get the drone thing out of the car.
That "Thing" is a professional
aerial-photography tool
for real-estate use only!
You used it at the beach to film yourself
doing sand angels.
For my "Phil Dunphy Will Get You
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-【851】-
Modern.Family.S05E14
a Heavenly Deal On a Beach House" video.
A professional real-estate tool!
That was the consensus.
Hey, Alex. What did you find out?
Okay, this is a bigger deal than Haley let
on.
Only five people in her class
were picked to show their photographs,
And haley was one of them.
Amazing!
Are there more than five people in the
class?
Yes. That's the first thing I checked.
Then we really do have to be there.
Call uncle Mitchell and grandpa and see if
they can join us.
She didn't catch you snooping, did she?
No. She's taking a nap.
She's been taking a lot more naps lately.
See what you can find out about that.
This is so wrong.
Eh, well, desperate times call for
desperate --
What is on your head?
It provides glare protection, but
apparently not from you.
Let's just do this.
We are airborne.
Expertly navigating the wires.
You're right.
We have cleared the wall. Approaching
target.
There they are.
What are they doing?
They're jumping around on stuff.
Do you see anything suspicious, like, um
--
like smoke or paraphernalia, nachos?
No, they're filming each other
and moving around like zombies.
Honey, they're not getting high.
They're making a movie... without me!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Then why would luke have lied
about going to Sammy's, huh?
Honey, look.
 Modern.Family.S05E14
Oh, god. All right, then. Great.
Well, he's still our little boy. No harm, no foul.
Oh, we got to get out of here. I'll see you at dinner.
He cannot know we were spying on him. Give me that phone!
- Come on. - Too late. I want to see what you're hiding!
It's too late. They're pointing at the I'm not hiding anything.
drone. I don't even know how to use the damn thing.
- What? - We're compromised! Oh, look. I accidentally dialed Alex.
Get out, get out! Let me say hi to her. The kid idolizes me.
I can't leave the drone! Hi, hon.
It belongs to the office! Hi, Grandpa.
They're still mad at me for writing Real quick, how do I delete e-mails on my
on the dry-erase board with a permanent phone?
marker! Well, first, you have to check your inbox,
Get in the car. your trash folder, and your sent folder.
Go, go, go! People often forget about the sent folder.
What was that thing? Trust me, you get pretty adept at this
Somebody was filming us. when you have to stay one step
Hey, my dad has one of those. ahead of your snooping mother.
I know what's going on here. Give me the phone.
A movie studio is trying to steal our idea! Got to go.
Spielberg. Uh, yeah, sure. I-I-I have nothing on here.
I told you guys, zombie parkour is a Let me just disconnect from grandpa,
million-dollar idea. which is not happening right now.
I still don't get it. Zombies don't move I can see what you're doing, Alex.
well. Why did just delete a text from uncle
Vampires, maybe. Mitchell?
Plus, there's your title -- I didn't!
"Vam-par-kour." Shouldn't you be more worried
I don't hear it. that Haley has a nurse's uniform in her
Look at that. closet?!
That's how I like to be greeted when I come I can only handle one thing at a time.
home! - Hey, Claire. - Hey, Mitchell.
It turns out Manny's hanging with his Why would Alex delete a text from you off
friends today, her phone?
so I didn't need to go pick him up. I'm not answering that question.
Oh, right. So sorry. I forgot to tell you. People's phones are their own business.
But, then, you don't tell me everything, What?
so I guess it's okay. I got to go. Give me your phone.
You got a lot of nerve. No. Why?
You are the one who went through my emails Because you're texting someone
on my phone. and you look very guilty right now.
What are you talking about? No, I didn't. Or I'm playing "Words with friends"
So you're not mad at me for something you with Longines.
found on my phone? None of those words better be "Calf" or
No. "Implants."

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-【852】-

Oh, my gosh. Here. You know what?
Take my phone...
and admit that you don't trust me,
Your fiance, and co-father of your
daughter.
Go ahead.
Push the button.
I'm good. No, I'm fine. I trust you.
Oh, my gosh!
Hey, guys.
You want some red stuff that reminds you
of wine?
- Sure. - Yep, I do.
So, when's this exhibit open?
I don't know. Maybe the details are in Jay's
phone.
But I hope not,
because everything is very secret on there.
Don't know if you caught that subtle cue.
She's mad at me.
He did something very terrible
that he doesn't want me to know about.
"Very terrible"?
Until you tell me what it is,
I'm gonna think the worst possible thing,
like maybe you killed somebody.
But you don't have the stomach for that,
do you?
Thank you so much for coming.
I know how busy you all are with work and
errands
and snarking about me on your cellphone.
Let it go, Claire.
Honestly, Phil, i don't know how you do it.
I don't know how you do it.
Compromise and compassion.
She wasn't really asking you.
Hey, hey! Here comes Luke.
What do we say we were doing today?
When has Luke ever showed any interest in
what we do?
Okay, but be cool.
If he finds out you were tracking his phone,
he'll think we don't trust him.
Ooh. Plus, then I could never do it again.
Hey, guys!
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What's up?
How was your day?
It was fine, you know.
We don't know. How would we know?
Oh, we just mean what did you do?
Not like, what did you do?
And we're just like, "Hey, what -- what'd
you do?"
You guys are acting weird.
No, we're not. You are.
What did you do today?
- We just stayed home - We went shopping.
Online shopping at home for pants.
We both needed pants.
I told you he was gonna ask.
Wait a minute.
Was that your drone today?
Were you spying on us?
I'm sorry. Your mom made me do it.
She thought you were smoking grass.
Grass? Claire.
No one says grass.
I never said grass.
It's not that crazy an idea.
We weren't smoking anything.
Manny would never.
Thank you, mom.
He's so judgy about those things.
The only reason why I walk that stupid dog
is so that I can smoke my cigars in peace.
I can't believe you were spying on us.
You have to stop being so suspicious,
Claire.
It's okay to trust people.
Some people. Other people, who knows?
You turn your back for one second,
and they have a whole other family
on the bad side of town.
You are my other family from the bad side
of town.
Look, I can't stand this all night.
I loaned someone money, Gloria.
I didn't consult you. I knew you'd be
pissed.
She's just a friend.
"She"?

Is this the woman
that you've been dreaming about at night,
that you've been making the sexy noises and
saying,
"Baby, baby"?
What the hell are you talking about?! No?!
Then prove it! Give me the phone!
Honestly, you people --
and by that, I mean straight people are
ridiculous!
Everyone's entitled to a little bit of
privacy.
Says the guy who forced me to
tell him our friend's secret.
Okay, that's different.
That was gossip,
- and gossip belongs to everyone. - Okay.
Just keep your nose out of other people's
phones.
You either trust them or you don't.
Give me that.
- Ha! Yes. - Give it back. Give it --
No, but you can have mine,
'cause I have nothing to hide.
I'll take that.
Oh, my god. Mom, no, please, stop.
Here, here. Wait. Let me help you.
It's crazy, right?
Ha ha. No, I knew it.
"L.O.L.
Do you think Brett likes his coffee black
or with calf-and-calf?",
Okay, I admit it. I have a problem.
But I only told one person. It was too
juicy.
And Crispin said he wouldn't tell anyone.
This is from Longines.
Oh, that lying Crispin. Give me that.
I cannot believe he betrayed my trust.
Now Pepper's chiming in.
Jackals, all of them.
Oh, that Pepper.
Oh, my g--
Uncle Mitchell was helping you get me a
birthday present?
Yeah, I wanted to make you dinner
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Modern.Family.S05E14
and get you a nice bottle of wine,
The one he served at new year's
you said you liked.
Ooh, I did like that wine.
I'm sorry I ruined the surprise.
You should be.
What did you think I was doing, anyways?
Give me some credit.
Oh, well, then, maybe we could just call
it even,
since he typed, "I'm just surprised
She remembered coming to my house that
night."
To which you responded, "Bahahahahahaha"
with like five exclamation points.
Seems fair.
Did you find what you were looking for?
No.
She's a waitress at the club.
Her boyfriend crashed her car, so I helped
her,
because we have that fun game where I order
salad
and she brings me french fries.
But I never dreamt of her.
Last night, I had a nightmare.
Joe got out onto a ledge of a tall building.
I couldn't get to him.
I was very upset,
and I think I might have cried a little in
my sleep,
which might have sounded like sex to you,
which I don't love.
But that's the "Baby" I was talking about.
Really?
That's scary.
Yes!
Why in god's name
would I need to dream about another woman?
Now that you say it out loud,
it does seem kind of crazy.
I'm not proud of this, but the dream wasn't
about Joe.
It was about this little baby right here.
That's right.
You almost fell off a ledge, and daddy was
 Modern.Family.S05E14
so scared. That's nothing.
Oh, my gosh. It's us! She totally used a drone to spy on me.
All over the place. Use of the drone was completely justified.
I don't know how I feel about this. - What is wrong with you?! - What are you
Okay, okay, now, see -- look how much you talking about?
gossip. All right, knock it off.
Haley managed to capture it on film. You have no idea how hard it is to be a
And look at you, smiling ear to ear. parent,
You know you love it when I give you the to figure out what's going on with your kid
dirt. when all you get is a grunt or a "Fine"
Oh, which reminds me, or a flick of the hair.
guess who got kicked out of a hotel bar It's my job to protect you
for making unwanted advances at the and make sure you're making good choices.
waitstaff? And if I step over the line every now and
I don't want to know. It's none of my again
business. when I'm doing that, tough.
Okay. Knowing you're safe is the only thing
Jotham. Zaniel. Sal. that lets me sleep at night.
Just tell me! I thought it was the wine.
I don't know. Congratulations, Haley.
Good god, look at those lines on my face. For what?
When did I get so old? Someone just bought your photo
Their smile lines because you're holding of this beautiful lady.
your son First one sold.
who you love, who you had to protect in your Oh, my god!
dream. Someone paid for something that I made! Me!
She is a great photographer, I am so psyched we were here for this!
even though it's embarrassing Me too!
that everyone's staring at my six-pack. Now you're glad we're here, huh?
She is really good. I got to admit,
Have you seen my photo? that's a gorgeous picture of you.
Has Gloria seen this? I'm in it, too, dad.
Gloria see what?
I think I look good.
Wow. She didn't even see me in there.
Oh, my god! What are you guys doing here?!
Alex invited us.
You? How did you know where this was?
Uh, the flier fell out of your backpack.
Liar.
Mom made me.
We came to be supportive.
I told you not to come here. This is such
a violation!
She just did it to me, too.
She read my texts.

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Modern.Family.S05E15
If I take something to help me sleep,
I'll be groggy for the meeting.
But if I don't take anything and I don't
sleep,
I'll be groggy for the meeting, you know?
I was up for re-election as social chair
of our local realtors group.
The vote was tonight.
I was so nervous,
I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.
Why did I beg Mitchell
to introduce me to this developer?
You're right. We'll know soon enough.
I'm gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some
sleep.
Love you.
I hope so, too.
Hello?
Hey, Gil.
No, no, no. You -- you didn't wake me.
Um, so, you hear anything, or...
Hey, Dunphy.
Just wrapping up a phone call with this
jackass.
I got to run, Dunphy.
I got a late meeting with some jackass.
What's going o-- what's going on?
The people have spoken, Dunphy.
I'm in. You're out.
Sorry to have to tell you that in private.
Was it even close?
No! I have a mandate --
Not the kind you hide from your wife,
either.
I can't believe it. I'm a one-termer?
That puts me alongside Henry Eustace Tyler
and Art Wagner!
Never met Art Wagner.
They took away his realtor's license after
Gategate.
Okay, enough history, "Done-for."
Fork over the hardware.
Gil, as my predecessor told me,
respect the office, respect the medallion.
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-【856】-
Modern.Family.S05E15
Ooh, shiny.
How often do you clean this thing?
Every time I shower.
Well, don't worry. It's gonna get a good
buffing tonight
when it's swinging against the back of my
wife's head.
That is not respecting the medall--
So, after we pick up my allergy medication,
you drop Manny and I at the museum.
Why do you even have to go?
Ay, other mothers are going to the field
trip, too.
Don't worry.
I'm not going to be all over you,
trying to suffocate you.
Don't talk like that.
I hate crowded elevators.
Only one thing worse --
When they stop and you get trapped.
Actually, there's one thing even worse than
that.
It's okay, sir. There's no need to panic.
Getting trapped with him.
I don't even know the guy's name.
He belongs to my club.
But for whatever reason,
he has the knack for showing up
when I'm at my absolute worst.
Be right back.
Here, let me help you.
Maybe we should help someone else.
Oh, don't be frightened.
Big step!
Who's next?
I'm sorry. Pepper's getting a what for your
wedding?
A D.P.
No!
No, a director of photography.
Yeah, apparently, he's a big deal.
He won a Golden Globe.
No, you win an Oscar.
You buy a Golden Globe.
So he can only meet with us this morning.
Is -- is there any way you could pick Lily

up from school?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I can.
I'll -- I-I'll take her to the park. That's
good.
It'll get my mind off this meeting with your
friend.
I am so nervous.
I haven't had a sales meeting in...forever.
I'm a little rusty.
Do you remember when we used to call you
"Little rusty"?
I was 8,
and I can still cancel this meeting.
Fine. I got to go. I got to --
I don't know what I have to do.
What is this?
I'm sweating off weight for my wrestling
match.
I slept in this.
Does this have anything to do with why we're
out of plastic wrap?
Oh, it's the bottom layer.
And I've got some news for you --
It's not keeping me fresh.
Okay. Um, you're gonna be late.
You got to get undressed in the backseat.
Ooh, got any pointers for him?
Do you girls have to move that now?
Well, I've been lonely.
Having a mirror in my room will be like
having company!
Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.
Careful.
Stop saying that. I think I know what I'm
--
Oh, one second.
- Oh, my God. - Hello!
No, this is a good time.
- Haley! - All right. Geez!
No, I just got to help my sister out with
something.
Okay. Bye.
Okay, let's just put this down for a second.
Oh, my God.
- What? - I don't think this is gonna fit.
You'll have to get a smaller mirror.
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Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Haley, you'll still be the same size in it.
No!
Oh, my God! We're trapped!
Well, it -- it's -- it's not such a huge
disaster.
You know, you'll just be a little late for
school.
Make up your mind! Which is it?!
Oh, my god. I'm missing a text.
Just got real, didn't it?
Who sent you?!
Come on. We have to go. We can't be late.
I am so excited. Aren't you?
- Oh, no. - What? What's happening?
How are you ruining this?
There's a report of lice in Lily's class.
Ugh. It's probably from Portia.
You know, she is always so filthy.
They had to kick her out of swim buddies
because she left a ring around the pool.
We should probably cancel our meeting
and pick Lily up ourselves, huh?
Probably? We have to!
We can't risk infecting Claire
just so we can keep a meeting
with the top wedding photographer in the
state.
No. No.
I am calling her.
Yeah, it's the right thing to do...
...even though it's like a 1% chance
of her actually catching anything
and a 100% chance of us freaking her out.
Well, now, wait.
Are we being selfish here, Cam?
Maybe. Go on.
Well, if-- if we alarm her just so
that we can have a clear conscience,
doesn't that make us...
- Monsters. - ...monsters.
Wouldn't we be doing her a favor
by not telling her and sparing her all that
worry?
Second huge favor of the day,
after you got her a meeting with your

client.
Mm. I'm -- I'm starting to feel bad about
this.
What, because we're doing so many favors,
Claire will never be able to pay us back?
Thank you.
Nope, she does not need the stress, Cam.
Yep. That's it. No more favors for Claire.
No!
Look at us!
Two blondes, having fun!
Hey, buddy!
My match is coming up.
Got any final dad-vice?
Starting to sound natural, right?
You know what? Just get out there and enjoy
yourself.
You showed real character trying a new
sport.
No matter what happens, I couldn't be
prouder.
Thanks, dad.
You bet. Go get 'em!
That may be the best part about being a
parent.
Whatever's going on in your personal life,
when your kid's happy, you're happy.
A happy kid is like an antidepressant,
but a natural one,
not the kind your husband has to find
in your jewelry drawer.
Enough said about that!
Hey, Gil.
Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man.
I hope I didn't blind ya.
Although you might not want to see what's
next.
Our kids are wrestling each other.
- Are you kidding? - Nope!
There's my little bra-snapper right there.
He's a beast, man.
No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I get it.
This is when you try to intimidate me.
No! No. Hey, good luck.
Hey, did you ever hear about those
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-【858】-
Modern.Family.S05E15
illegal baby-fighting rings they got in the
border?
That's not a real thing.
Yeah, wife and I brought him down there.
Won a whole carload of chickens.
See you out there, man.
That never happened!
Watch yourself! Watch yourself!
Wish me luck.
No need. You worked hard.
I just want you to have fun.
Thanks, dad.
Also, I'd like to revise
what I said to you in the car about biting.
Manny, they have everything here--
the rainforest experience, the hurricane
booth,
discovering the body --
We have that one in Colombia, too, but --
but a different kind.
- Oh, no. - What?
You don't hear that?
It's my new shoes. They're squeaking.
Then walk softer.
Oh, great.
It sounds like the floor's made of cat toys.
- I'm screwed! - Why?
Why? Because these kids make fun of
everything.
Hand them this, it'll stick with me
forever.
That's what happened to mumbles.
Hey, Manny, come with us.
Let's go, mumbles.
One time!
Let's go.
Just go on without me.
I'm just gonna stand here.
What -- forever?
What happened to him?
He didn't used to be that self-conscious
before high school.
He used to go around in his poncho,
play the pan flute.
Ay, I miss my little old Manny.
Manny, you care too much about what other

people think!
I know that some of the mothers here
want to make fun of me
because of my accent and my bouncy bosom.
But they don't. You know why?
Because I don't care. Because I walk with
confidence.
And so can you. Let's go.
This place sucks so bad.
Sure does, giggles.
One time!
Okay, she's not leaving.
You got to lure her away from the staircase.
She'll trust you.
You're kind of dressed like an animal
trainer.
Why do you keep calling it a "She"?
Well, because "He"s don't look at me like
that.
My god, is she gonna sleep all day long?
Okay, that, coming from you?
The possum's actually laughing.
And, besides, I mean, it's obviously not
sleeping.
What else would she be doing?
Playing...?
Playing...what?
Oh, my god!
Playing possum, the one thing
that absolutely everyone knows possums do.
Ha, ha! I got you!
I was playing possum on you by pretending
--
Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Don't even.
No, my god.
Mom's not even here until 5:00.
And you ate our only power bar.
Well, that's probably what attracted it!
You know, we got to throw something at it.
Fine.
Are you crazy?!
Mr. Perlowe will be right with you.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
I was so nervous before, but I think I
really got this.
Oh, no!
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-【859】-
Modern.Family.S05E15
What? What's happening?
How are you ruining this?
Why does everybody say that?
The -- the director of photography
we met with this morning --he's turning us
down.
Why?
"Creative differences."
He suggested one of us wear a hidden camera
in our boutonniere.
He called it "Groom with a view."
Somebody got it into his head to call it
the "Cam-cam."
Then there was a lot of foot-stomping
and cane-snapping and monocle-smashing.
Who is your wedding photographer -- Mr.
Peanut?,
It's a director of --
- It's a wedding. - Sorry I'm late.
Jim Perlowe,
this is my sister, Claire Dunphy.
Hi. A pleasure to meet you.
Listen, I went by the construction site
this morning,
and those condos are gonna be fantastic --
Assuming, of course, you get the right
closets and blinds.
Of cour-- appears the meeting has already
started, so, okay!
Yes, it has! Bye-bye, Mitchell!
- Shall we? - Yes, absolutely! So...
Hey, sleepy!
Long nap today.
Claire must've really worn you out at the
park, huh?
Yeah.
Do you want to lie down with me, daddy?
Oh, honey, the day I answer no to that
question...
...is today.
Where are you going?
I got to call daddy.
You should know that it's not just our low
prices
that set us apart.
It's our level of experience.

You know,I have seen it before
a new guy walks into an irregular-shaped
space,
and he's just like, "Ugh! Where do we even
start?"
You start with measurements, maybe.
Hey, Cam, what's up?
Well, it's official. Someone has lice.
Daddy, hug me!
I would, but remember, the carpet's hot
lava!
Yeah, hot lava!
Oh, my god. Are you sure?
I think so.
Her head sounds like pop rocks.
You have to warn Claire.
Daddy, this game is mean.
Well, you know what, sweetie?
All right. No. J-just stay calm.
First of all, if there's anything that you
need from me,
anything at all,
I will be living at the embassy suites.
Secondly, there's -- there's no guarantee
that she has it.
I mean, I'm with her right now.
I think I'd know.
Yeah, I think I know.
So, as you can see, all of them are modules,
So they can be customized for each unit --
Mitchell!
Hey! Hi!
So, claire, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, right -- right when we're done.
Just after the meeting.
- We got pine, cedar... - It's kind of
important.
A-actually, I got to take this call.
- Excuse me. - Okay.
What is going on with you?
Okay, so, you know how you've been
scratching your head?
Oh, god. Is it that noticeable?
I-I have some kind of nervous tic.
Yeah, there might be one of those in there,
too.
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-【860】-
Modern.Family.S05E15
Um, so, lily brought home lice from school.
What?
Yeah, and, actually, I would've told you,
but Cam thought that maybe --
You let me walk around
with insects gnawing on my skull,
and you said nothing?
Yeah, but, Claire --
Come here, little rusty.
No, listen, you --
What kind of monster puts their
self-interest
ahead of telling another human being
that they are going to get a parasite
infestation?
I feel you would've done the same thing.
- Never. - No, Claire, stop it!
Uh, I got to get off to another meeting.
But, Claire, let's just cut to the chase.
You got my business.
Oh, super!
Oh, I think we're way past handshakes, huh?
Manny, stop disrespecting your ancestors.
It took them 6 1/2 million years to walk
upright!
Didn't you hear the tour guy?
"Duh."
No, don't give me that attitude.
No, I -- why is your face red?
What?
It must be my allergy medication.
I must be overreacting to it!
Um, I'll get you some water.
There's a fountain right over there.
Manny, where have you been all day?
I was in the bird wing.
Hilarious they call it that, no?
Where's your mom?
She was just there.
I think she's hiding.
She probably saw she and I were wearing the
same outfit
and didn't want to get outdone...as usual.
Uh yeah, maybe.
But the important thing
is that I have fun out there, right?

Okay, let's go over this again,
'cause I feel like you're not listening.
I need you to win.
Hey, Jay.
Hey, Luke.
Don't let your dad get in your head.
Get out there and do your best.
All right.
What the hell was that?
He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid.
I hate that guy.
Always trying to make me feel like less of
a man.
The guy that took your necklace, right?
- My medallion! - Call it what you want.
I'm just glad I don't have to help you with
the clasp again.
Jay, are you crying?
No!
Referee sprayed some disinfectant on the
mats.
I got some in my eye. You got a tissue?
Here you go.
Keep it.
It's my wife's.
- Hey, dad! - Hey, son!
Good to see you.
Uh, the match is about to start... yeah?
...which means it's about to finish.
You see that little petunia he's wrestling?
Yes.
You know Gil's dad?
I know he always sees me at my worst.
I really want this win, Phil.
I can taste it, like metal.
Me, too. Metal.
I don't know what it is with this guy,
but no matter what I do,
I just can't win with him.
That's the way I am with his son.
And Time Warner Cable.
It's emasculating, you know?
I mean, it's not a feeling a man should
have.
Jay, you know what the beginning of "Love"
is?
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-【861】-
Modern.Family.S05E15
Oh, for god's sake, we're just talking
here.
Why do you always have to make everything
bigger than it is?!
L.O.
Hey, Phil, listen.
Does your pharmacy carry lice shampoo?
Lily got it at school.
Ooh, away, scary robot!
Away!
I can't breathe.
Well, good. Neither can your hair pets.
- What? - Nothing.
Lily got lice from someone.
- Portia. - Who else?
You know what? Skip the pharmacy.
Just -- just borrow our lice kit.
It's in the basement. The key's under the
mat.
Thank you, Phil. Thanks.
All right!
Enough.. with scary robot!
But who wants to pretend to be a dog and
ride in the car?
I do!
Okay! Meet you at the door!
And remember --
we're gonna keep our head outside the
window.
- Fun! - Yeah, fun! Uh-huh!
Fun.
All right, the match is starting.
I feel that metal now in my mouth,
like you were saying.
What if he loses?
Then we hide our disappointment.
Follow my lead. I've been doing it for
years.
The kid needs to know we support him no
matter what.
- Come on, Luke! - Luke!
All right. They're gone.
Okay. Let's get out of here.
Stay close.
Mom, you're unbelievable.
Ay, that's sweet, but I know I look
 Modern.Family.S05E15
terrible. me know
You come down on me for being when I disappointed him, and I do it to my
self-conscious, grandkid.
then you run and hide because your face is It's just as much my fault.
red. I've seen what having a disapproving father
You're right. has done to my wife.
I keep blaming the high-school boys I should've known better.
for making you self-conscious, Dang it.
and you're taking after me. Buddy, I know you're upset.
We can assign blame when we're safely You've got every right.
behind our tinted windows. We made that wrestling match all about our
- We're trapped! - No. stupid feud.
When I was in the caveman exhibit, That was wrong.
I discovered fire exits. Forget about those jerks.
I'll explain to you why that's funny in the We couldn't be anything but proud of you,
car. just like I'm super proud of your mom.
Follow me. Let's repair this one first.
No, Manny. We just don't want you to beat yourself up
It's time for me to set a good example for because you lost.
you. I'm not.
Okay. I just started wrestling.
Mom, what are you doing? Sure, it would've been nice to win, but I
I'm gonna show you that it's not important tried my best.
what other people think. I just said "Dang it" Because I forgot to
What is important is that you stay true to get a straw.
yourself. Son of a gun! He's actually okay.
It was the bravest thing my mom had ever I don't buy it.
done. Why? What are you talking about?
Hey, everybody! No kid lets down his father and grandfather
Uh, hear my squeaky shoes? and is that okay with it.
Pretty funny, isn't it? He's burying his feelings.
That's right, it's me -- ol' squeaky shoes. Or maybe he's just raised better than that.
Crazy! He knows it's pointless to fight other
Get a load of that pink shirt. people's battles.
Aww, it's so pretty. It's all in the DNA, Phil.
Hey, Manny, nice top. My old man has a problem with somebody?
Uh, but my shoes! Trust me
What about 'em, pink top? I'm looking for that guy's kid on the
It was the bravest thing he has ever done. schoolyard.
They call me "Pink top." It's how men work.
My hero. Or used to work.
Pink top. Maybe those thuggish Pritchett genes
Hey! Whoo! Good fight! got mixed with more evolved Dunphy genes,
We really blew it with Luke today. resulting in a more elevated human being.
How could I do that? Oh, my god! He's attacking him!
My dad never missed an opportunity to let Hey! Hey! Get off my kid!

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-【862】-
 Modern.Family.S05E15
Hey. Hey! Get off my kid! Just want to say I'm sorry, "Doofy."
Aah! You get off of my kid! And yet you're still call--
Hey, hey! Get off my daughter's husband! What your kid did today was amazing.
Would it kill you to call me your kid, Jay? No hard feelings, right?
Oh, my god. He was saving him. Hey, Cam, hold off on that thing for a
Oh. Have a good day. second.
Well...all's well that ends well. Lily, honey?
Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Are you kidding me? It's all in good fun.
Grab a seat, son. All right. Good.
- Move. - Coming in. Whoa! Who's this little dumpling?
I think, uh, probably just a regular Only my niece.
burger. If there's one thing she loves, it's
I can't see it anymore. You think it's gone? piggy-back.
It could be hiding. No, I don't.
I have an idea. Yep! Hop on up there!
What are you doing?! All right!
I'm gonna create a distraction Who's this man?
so that we can make a break for it. You can call me uncle Gil!
Give it a second to warm up. Uncle Gil!
Okay. You two look great together!
It's back! Get in there! Yeah!
Oh, my gosh. I'm telling you, these little buggers love
It's so dark down here. me.
Be careful, sweetie. That's the plan! Yeah!
What is going on down here?!
All right, I got to admit something right
here.
You impressed me today, Luke.
That kid started choking.
You didn't see a rival or...
...a chance to fight your family's stupid
battles.
You just saw somebody who needed help.
And that makes you the biggest man in this
whole car.
You just attacked him, didn't you?
He made that choke sign.
I thought he was mocking my wrestling.
- Let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.
- Yeah.
I'll get it.
Honey, I take back everything I ever said
about this stupid invention.
It has a name
"The real head scratcher, T.M."
Well, come on in.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【863】-
 Modern.Family.S05E16
She's invisible at these things.
Modern.Family.S05E16 It's tough being married to the rock star.
Okay, big day for this household. Luckily, I lined up a substitute date.
It certainly is. So exciting. Dad. You're still up.
Nothing like starting a new job. Yeah, just working on some jokes for the
Or finally coming into your own at a job banquet.
you already have. Hey, how'd you like to come with me?
The promise of something new. I would love to!
The rewards finally being -- Not surprised she said yes.
Opposite things being equally good. That girl's got real estate in her blood.
- Cheers. - Yes. She used to come with me to open houses
I have accepted a job at the C.F.J., when she was little.
The -- the Center For Justice. We may have even talked about
Not, it turns out, a father/daughter partnership.
a secret headquarters for superheroes. Yeah, she's been drifting a little lately,
No, it -- it kind of is. but I think a taste
It's a legal-aid society of regional real-estate's most glamorous
founded by a law-school friend of mine. night
I will be an advocate for the people, might just re-ignite that flame.
a voice for the voiceless. I can't believe I have to go to this thing.
And just as important... But what choice did I have?
Oh, thank you. I would love to!
Tonight, I am chaperoning the But you're not gonna have those cookies
Spring-A-Ding-Fling, without milk, right?
a fundraiser, a dance, Right.
which, under my stewardship, Come on, Phil.
has shattered school records. Break area.
And I added the "A-ding." Copier.
It used to just be called the Spring Fling. My stinky dog.
I should have said my thing first. Oh, look at you.
Hey, guys. You just threw up recently. Okay.
For my opening number tonight -- be honest. Oh, my gosh.
Does it look like I have anything on under That's you and Michelle Obama.
this? That's my aunt.
Tonight is the SCARB. I am so sorry.
Southern California Annual Realtors' I don't know why I thought that --
Banquet. Calm down, white guilt.
It is the banquet for southern California It's Michelle Obama.
realtors. Oh, good, yeah.
Literally, it's the only one. Yeah, you've accomplished a lot in 15
And this guy is the only two-time host -- years.
Three-time. Professionally, yeah.
three-time host in the history of the I haven't had a date in six months.
event. Some sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen
Unfortunately, I have to miss it this year. eggs.
It's for the best. But, on the plus side,

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【864】-
 Modern.Family.S05E16
I have gotten really close with my mom. was asking.
Oh, look at that. I see the resemblance. These -- a third.
That's Maya Angelou. These -- for free.
Damn it. So, who's better at working people, Mr.
It's signed, Mitch. Businessman?
Yeah. I see that. Fine. We have different approaches,
This is gonna be fun! but we're both pretty good.
I know! Hello, Mitch.
- I'm just really looking for - You! Hey, buddy.
What was that outfit last night? You look like you want to get up and walk.
That was a business dinner! Late bloomer -- fine.
What is wrong with you? Who cares if the other kids
Wendy, I tried. call you "Slo-Joe"?
Well, try harder. And they do, you know.
Ooh, here's your office. Bye-bye.
Okay. We're gonna have to reschedule the car
Oh, this is nice. shopping.
Yeah. Dennis liked it... Mitch has to work.
until he didn't. Cam has to dance.
I'll check on you later. We have to sit Lily.
Okay. All right. - What? - Nothing.
Let's see here. Just -- I could have got us out of that.
New guy? Stop!
Uh, yes. Hi. I'm Mitchell Pritchett. - Eat it! - Get off me!
Dan. Eat the grass, cow!
Hope you don't have any plans for Sunday - Hi, Rhonda. - Hi, Mrs. Dunphy.
night. Hey, mom.
Dan! What are you still doing here? Honey, it's getting very close to time for
Go! the dance.
Sorry. Shouldn't you go in and get changed?
Right. I did already.
That way! The guys are coming by.
Oh, no. We're gonna ride from here.
I do love it in leather. What about you, Rhonda?
Well, learn to love it in silk. You want to go in and get cleaned up?
It's too hot outside to be wearing leather. - I'm good. - Are you?
I'm talking about this car. What about that dirt on your face?
Oh, by the way, Luke, you wait here.
I do the negotiating at the dealership Ride with your friends.
today. I will bring Rhonda. Come on.
Why? Just, um, give me a good shake like a dog
Honey, I'm a businessman. before you go inside.
When it comes to people, I know.
I know how to get what I want out of them. And my dad has three tattoos.
This watch -- Like, "Why? You're a dad."
The man sold it to me for half of what he Ew! It's so sad when parents try.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【865】-

My mom double-pierced one of her ears,
and I'm like, "Hello!
You're 50."
It's so old, like, ancient to have an ear
piercing.
Uh, you two decide to go to the dance?
Well, yeah, but not really.
- But, yeah. - What?
We're going ironically
to make fun of all the kids who make a big
deal out of it.
"Ironic"? My ass.
Alex likes Drew.
She's just playing it safe.
Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious moms
who try and get involved,
nudge them towards one another.
We mean well.
Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.
Oh, thank you. You know what I like to say.
I might be coach,
but I travel first class.
So, what would you think
about giving the opening remarks at the
dance tonight?
The arts committee has never made this
much,
and it's all because of you.
Oh, you guys, when I came to this school
six months ago,
I never would have imagined you would
embrace me.
Excuse me? Is this a chem lab?
Because I'm looking for a big reaction.
And there it is.
Hi. How are --
Who is this?
How was sabbatical?
Amazing.
I'm rested and ready...
...to take another vacation.
And how are we supposed to know him?
Senor Kaplan, legendary Spanish teacher.
You know, my heart went out to him a little
because he left as everyone's favorite,
and I'm sure word got out about, you
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【866】-
Modern.Family.S05E16
know...me.
I just didn't want him to feel displaced.
Okay. Excuse me, big guy.
Gifts for everyone.
Angela, this is fresh from Anuradhapura.
And, uh, Karen,
you might want to eat some chapati with
that.
And this is for, um --
- It's Marcia. - Marcia!
Right, of course. I knew that.
I must have been having a "Senor" moment.
Somebody's always on.
Who did this?
What happened?
Somebody knocked my bag down
and broke my phone.
Lily, do you know anything about this?
He did it.
Joe.
Yep. I'm going to go and play.
She lies.
How could Joe pull a bag off a table?
He can't even walk.
I'll talk to her.
Why you?
Because you're such a businessman
that knows how to talk to people?
Trust me. When I get done talking to her,
not only will she have confessed to the
crime,
I might even sell her a closet.
I remember my buddies
and I were playing rock war once.
That's a game
where you chuck rocks at each other's
heads.
What could go wrong, right?
I put one through the window
of my old man's Rambler,
and he thought my baby brother did it.
I couldn't take it,
and I told him I did it.
It felt so good to confess,
and my old man was so proud of me,
I didn't even get in any trouble.

Y-you know?
Joe did it.
She's good.
Watch and learn.
I don't think that cleavage thing
is gonna work with this one.
That's not my only trick.
Hola, Lily.
Where did grandpa go?
Don't worry about Jay.
It's only you and me here now.
So, tell me.
Which one of these is your favorite?
Fine.
One by one,
they will disappear.
Sooner or later,
we'll get to the one that you love.
Ladies and gentlemen,
he's the emperor of escrow.
He puts the toot in tooter.
Let's put your hands together for
Phil Dunphy!
Thanks for the kind introduction,
me.
Now, unlike past years...
I'm not gonna stand up here
and talk your ears off.
No, ladies and gentlemen.
You deserve more.
This year,
I'm gonna sing them off.
*I'm selling away*
*Set an open house for Saturday*
*A gathering of agents*
*Appeared in caravan*
*I'm a new divorce*
*Now I need a house*
*That's cat-friendly*
They say the greats
never let anything affect
performance.
Well, maybe the greats never had a daughter
who checked out during the third of five
planned
real-time, mid-performance wardrobe
-【867】-
Modern.Family.S05E16
changes.
I'm not gonna lie.
It knocked me off my game.
*On the board*
Is this part of it?
No.
It's not part of it.
In law school,
Wendy Kirk could be a little intense.
I always hoped that she'd soften over time,
but...
...some people go the other way.
This place is a nightmare.
The conditions are deplorable,
and no one should have to suffer
this kind of abuse on a daily basis.
What kind of tyrant has such utter
disregard for human life?
I can't do this.
You have to.
Wendy needs to hear it.
Yeah, but I'm nervous. You know, what if
she --
- Mitchell. - Yes! Hi!
I just had a great idea.
I think you would be the perfect person to
groom Rex.,
E-excuse me?
I just think he'd really respond
to someone like you, you know?
Y-you don't mind, right?
Uh, uh, no. No, not at all.
Great. Thanks.
Will you go over and introduce yourself?
I-intro-- okay.
- Okay. Yeah. - Thank you.
Hello. I'm Mitchell.
And, apparently, this is my job now.
Oh, god, you smell.
People are looking at me.
their That's because you let me make you
beautiful.
Stop it. Am I?
Yes, you are.
Have fun.
Go. Go.
第 4 页 共 8 页

Drew. Hey, Drew.
Having fun?
"Fun"? Uh...okay.
Oh, Drew. Drew, listen.
Phil and I are gonna be out really late
tonight,
so there will not be an adult at the house
when you drop Alex off,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, don't worry.
I'll, uh-- I'll drop her off,
and I won't go in.
Well... big house,
you know... cute daughter--
I would not be opposed to you walking her
in,
keeping her company until we get back.
Like I said,
we will not be back until late.
I hear you, Mrs. Dunphy.
You can trust me.
Well, gonna have to trust you because we
have no way
of knowing what you're gonna get up to.
In fact, if your car is blocking the
driveway,
I'll just honk twice
and wait for you to come out.
- Okay. - Okay.
Go get her, tiger. Come on.
Nice job, Tucker.
I mean, you made so many choices
that I never would have made,
but a lot of them are working.
Oh, well, you know,
I just watched the videos
of the many, many dances you planned
and just built off that one on idea.
Hey, kids!
There are my little chalupas!
Um, what did you do to Rhonda?
I cleaned her up.
No, you broke her.
I hate her like this.
She looks fantastic.
To you!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【868】-
Modern.Family.S05E16
Fix her. Ugh, it confuses me.
Oh, Luke.
"The house will be empty"?
You are pimping me out!
It is clear that the two of you like one
another.
Sometimes, you need a little nudge.
Well, you're a chaperone!
Just disappear!
This dance is not for you!
You're lucky that's water.
Damn it.
She's been stewing in there for an hour.
I say let's lock the door,
cut the power.
Let's show her that we mean business.
Let's try the joint approach
first..."Gitmo.",
Okay, we've been going over your story,
and it doesn't add up.
My purse was too high for Joe to reach.
He's tall enough to reach up here.
He knocked over the baby powder
trying to get my stuffed animals.
Not buying it.
Look. You can see the footprints where he
walked.
Walk?
Lily, Lily, Lily.
Joe can't walk.
He does for me.
So, you have ways of making him walk?
Lily, just admit that you did it.
Come here, Joe.
Come here like you did before.
Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.
- Come here, Joe. - He can't walk.
He's walking!
The candles that I lit worked!
Look at the stride on him.
He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.
Told you.
I'm so sorry that we doubted you.
Boy, did I get lucky.
I'm going to blame everything on him
until he learns how to talk.

This guy waltzes in here like he's king of
the dance
after doing god knows what in Sri Lanka,
building schools in underdeveloped areas.
What does that even mean?
Is it possible that you're being a little
hard on the man?
I turned his two-bit dance into the event
of the year.
Look. Burnouts and dweebs
hanging out together in harmony.
That is me.
I'm sorry, Cam.
Oh, don't feel sorry for me.
Next is faculty dance.
Kaplan can't move.
It's on his Tumblr.,
It's his big shame.
Trust me.
He can't touch this.
Okay, time now for the faculty dance.
Go, teachers.
Oh, are you sure?
Stop. It's "Cammer" Time.
Mind if I join you, coach?
While on sabbatical,
I learned a thing or two from Sri Lanka's
own Chitrasena.,
I don't know who that is,
and it's annoying when you say things
like people are supposed to know!
That pathetic peacock of a man
was not going down without a fight.
I had a choice to make --
be the better dancer or the bigger man.
So, I stepped off the dance floor
and made the obvious call.
You want to win over a crowd?
Invite a lonely mom to dance.
She never saw it coming,
and neither did he.
Hey Senor.
You just got out-coached.
I try and look on the bright side of things.
I-I'm a doggy-bath-is-half-full
kind of guy.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【869】-
Modern.Family.S05E16
But it was time for me to open my eyes.
I was working for a monster.
I came to this job to be the voice of the
downtrodden.
Turns out those downtrodden were my
co-workers,
and they were desperate for a hero to slay
their dragon.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Um, Rex, how's it going with Mitchell?
The new guy?
I haven't met him yet.
That's weird. I asked him to introduce
himself.
hey, has anybody seen my dog?
Pixie!
Oh, there she is.
Okay, Wendy, I'm sorry.
I-I have something to say to you,
something that everybody else here is
afraid to say.
Now, I know you're fighting the good fight,
but that is no excuse for the way you treat
people.
T-that actually might be one of the reasons
that you have no personal life
because who wants to come home
to a-a cold, emotionless...thug?
W-what are you talking about?
I am an experienced, respected attorney,
and on my first day,
you asked me to bathe Rex.
I'm not comfortable with that.
And I'm not comfortable with that,
but I did it.
Okay, that's Pixie.
This is Rex,
the intern I asked you to groom.
And that is my mistake,
and I own that.
But that is still no excuse
for the way that you tore into him
for the outfit he wore yesterday.
I was talking about the outfit he picked
out for me.
Apparently, I have the one gay intern in

the world
with absolutely no fashion sense.
I was unaware of -- of this dynamic.
But I-I-I'm not alone here, all right?
There are people in this room who feel that
you are --
How did we say it? --
you are a tyrant with no regard for human
life.
That sounds like my summation for the
slum-lord case.
Oh, hey, you finished it?
It's wonderful.
But he's nervous to show you.
Why are you so hard on yourself?
Okay, but w-w-what --
what about you making us work on sundays?
That -- the night of my barbecue?
Dan?
What are you still doing here?
It's your anniversary! Go home!
Oh, god. This isn't happening.
No, no. She's -- she's crazy.
I mean, I saw her attack the vending
machine.
That's the only way it works since Dennis
broke it.
Dennis is the guy whose office I took?
Yeah, he was the machine's best customer
until he started running.
One day, he said he's got to get out or --
He would die. Okay. Okay.
Wendy, um...
I-I might owe you a little bit of an
apology,
so I'm sorry.
Um, clearly, everybody here loves you,
and I-I was wrong about everything.
So...I'm sorry.
You know, you -- you weren't wrong about
everything.
I mean, look, I do joke about it, but you're
right.
I'm alone.
And that is not the first time that someone
has called me cold.
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Modern.Family.S05E16
Okay, those eggs...
those eggs came out of me frozen.
And I'm impossibly tall.
And even if I could find somebody to love
me,
they -- they wouldn't be able to reach.
No -- hey, hey. Come on.
You're -- you're an amazing woman.
She's an amazing woman.
And you -- you're a-a role model.
You're a hero.
I'm a 6-foot hero.
No. Come on.
You're surrounded by people who love you.
Here's Dan and Rex.
Me. Come here.
All the way up to Samuel L. Jackson there.
That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't
it?
Yeah.
Um, are you sure you know what you're doing,
Tad?
I know you're the Mortgage Doctor, but --
Someone said, "Is there a doctor in the
house?"
Was I supposed to not get up?
Hey, dad. You need any help out of that
dress?
Not unless you want to see me
in nothing but a baby new year's diaper.
That was the big finish
to the song you were texting through.
Hey, I got one text. I saw most of the show
--
We're leaving, okay?
Could you just go to the table
and grab my keys and purse?
Fine.
You want to talk about it?
How many kinds of fake doctor are you?
Okay, time for the big award of the night,
The ROY...
I don't even know why I'm mad at her.
Probably just 'cause she was so bored all
night.
Maybe you're feeling rejected?
 Modern.Family.S05E16
It's my own fault. We all want people to think the best of
I built up this hope us...
that she'd want to follow me into real So sometimes we cover things up
estate. to protect ourselves.
...Phil Dunphy. But we don't have to be afraid...
She's got her own life now. Because the truth is always a good thing.
I just don't know where we connect anymore. The truth sets us free...
You won. ...brings us closer.
- What?! - Yeah. So, do you want to tell us
Help me up! How Joe's shoes ended up on the wrong feet?
As we all know, I guess the little guy knows how to put on
Phil had a little accident tonight, his own shoes.
but we're happy to accept There you go, buddy. You got this.
- this award on his behalf. - Wait, wait, What are you doing?
wait. Since Joe can walk now,
Wait, w-w-w-w-wait! I figured he should be doing a few chores.
I got this. Steady, big guy!
Hi. I'm, uh, Chores? What kind of --
I'm haley, Phil's daughter. There he is.
Dad, you won the ROY! Attaboy!
You all know him as an amazing realtor, Attaboy!
but I know him as the world's greatest dad. A beer? Are you crazy?
As far as I'm concerned, Where you going? You want some?
he's the dad of the year, He'll bring it to you.
the "DOY." I can't believe that you're teaching him
It really is a shame to do that.
that you didn't hear the rest of his act Wait till you see part two.
tonight. Attaboy.
I-I heard him rehearsing it. Relax, it was me.
Which one of you is J.J. McCubbin?
Oh. Hey, quick question, J.J. --
Why is a great mortgage rate
like your wife in bed?
Once a month and low interest.
What are you laughing at, Skip Woosnum?
You haven't seen a commission
since you joined the navy.
She is killing it.
That's my girl.
I would have hit the word "Navy" harder.
What else? What else?
Oh! Margaret Furman's here.
Little heads-up to her date --
She's been upside-down in more houses than
Fannie Mae.
Or, in her case, Fannie definitely will.

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-【871】-
 Modern.Family.S05E17
And we also asked Claire to go
Modern.Family.S05E17 because we thought her sensible style
Okay, I've fed you. nicely complements Gloria's flair.
Now, who's ready to watch some basketball? That way Lily doesn't end up looking too...
Why am I looking at you? or too...
I don't know. There's my boy.
Unlike you, I don't need a reason I know you're talking to Joe,
to watch a bunch of guys run around in but that still feels really good to hear.
shorts. Okay, clocking out.
Don't ruin this for me like you did You know, Andy, if you want,
with Olympic diving. you can stay and watch the game.
- Cam? - Recording it. Otherwise, I'll just be here by myself.
Mitch and I are taking Alex and Manny to I'm right here.
an art exhibit. I-I'd love to, Mr. P,
But, of course, everybody is welcome to but I got to come up with an anniversary
join. gift for my girlfriend.
It's a retrospective on post-war abstract I make her something different every year,
expressionism. like a scrapbook or a nice scarf.
Wait. For school? This year,
No, for life. I was thinking maybe I could bake her some
Oh, thank God. banana bread.
I don't even know who we fought Ohh, I am the king of banana bread.
in the post war. You know my secret?
Told you one car was enough. No nuts.,
Looks like it's just the two amigos. Not such a secret.
Haley? I used to make stuff for Claire all the
Oh, sorry to brunch and bail, grandpa, time.
but I've got a date. Pretty sure my artistry is what locked her
Uh, with whom? down.
A gorgeous guy I met at school. I got to make this year's special.
Ooh, goes there or cleans there? With her in the coast guard,
Mom. I, like, hardly ever get to see her.
Answer the question. Well, this is just off the dome,
So everyone's leaving? but, uh, maybe send her a fun video?
No, I'm -- I'm not. Ooh, she does love "Rock of Ages."
I wish I had known this before I served the Or you could make your own video --
good bacon. something romantic and personal
You did not serve the good bacon. with real production value.
Don't you have a tiny dress to buy? I got some pretty choice equipment back at
Yes, we do! the house.
We asked Gloria to take Lily I'd be happy to help.
to pick out her flower-girl dress. - Would you really? - Yeah!
Yeah, we're clearly not following every Yes!
wedding tradition, Great! Let's do it!
but there will damn sure be one dress Luke, buddy, I'll pick you up later.
the grooms don't see until the big day. We can go check out some wheels.

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-【872】-

I thought you were gonna stay and watch the
game.
I knew you loved me.
Get out!
Come on.
Wheels? What, are you looking at cars
already?
Pottery wheels.
I have to pick a spring elective,
and dad thinks I should take ceramics
'cause lots of girls do.
You know what a lot of girls don't do?
Guys who take ceramics.
You got a wood shop at your school?
I can't really build stuff.
I mostly take apart and apologize.
You got to know how to build things.
I can build suspense.
How?
Well, get this.
Garage. Now.
What's a bridal store?
It's a place with the most wonderful
dresses that you have ever seen.
We're gonna get you the perfect one
even if it takes us all day.
Found it.
Oh, no, sweetie. That's a costume.
You can't wear a costume to a wedding.
Why not? Belle's a princess.
She faced the beast.
She stood up to the townspeople.
What have you done?
I...got us into that tiny,
little parking spot.
Princess dresses are not the only pretty
dresses.
I want to be a princess.
I want to be a princess!
Stop that right now.
Your dads want you to have a flower-girl
dress,
and that's what we're going to get you.
So march.
It was...it was marked "Compact" and --
and we're driving a minivan, so...
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【873】-
Modern.Family.S05E17
Hey, thanks for inviting us to this.
Oh, no problem.
You know, I'm surprised that this
particular foursome
doesn't hang out more often, considering
--
We're the cultured ones in the family?
I wouldn't say that.
Outside of this group.
Did you know your father
actually goes to the grocery store to buy
books?
I did know that, yeah.
I also know that the best way
to get my sister to fall asleep is to --
Show her a movie with subtitles.
Bonne nuit, mama.
We should be nice and grateful
that we have this day to spend together
in our own private salon.
Don't tell my mom that.
She'll show up and ask to get her roots
done.
- Manny! - That's true. It's true.
Thanks, manny.
I am so excited for this exhibit.
I'm such an admirer of Kandinsky.
You know, he was credited
with painting the first truly abstract
work.
Is that so?
To be honest, I was a little nervous
about holding my own with those three,
so I did a little boning up on Kandinsky.
Figured it couldn't hurt to have a few facts
in my pocket.
My backup plan was to touch a painting and
get thrown out.
Miss, hi. Excuse me.
Can you tell us where the Kandinsky exhibit
is?
You know, Wassily Kandinsky?
Born in Moscow, son of a tea merchant?
I'm sorry. That exhibit was temporary.
It's closed.
What?
 Modern.Family.S05E17
No. It's forbidden.
Oh, I love this Matisse. That doesn't make it hot.
You know this is one of his final works. Oh, I got some on your face.
His failing health led to his exploration You're gonna shine.
of paper cutouts. I'll go get some of my -- Claire's powder.
Ah, yes. I believe he called it "Painting My Claire. She's my wife.
with scissors." I thought you had a date to go on.
And he was also a contemporary of Picasso. I do.
You can definitely see how they influenced When's he gonna get here?
each other. Whenever he does.
Right, Cam? He's just, like, a few minutes late.
Uh, well, you know, it really reminds me... I'm sorry.
Of, uh, Kandinsky. That is so rude.
How so? A real man would be more considerate of your
Well, not so much in look, more in texture. time.
No, no, Cam! You're right.
No, please, sir, don't touch the art. That's why every year People magazine
I'm sorry. I'll leave the premises. names the "Consideratest" man alive.
No, it's -- it's fine. Oh, man, you can make fun of me all you want,
Just take a few steps back. but when you grow up,
Beth, I would swim the deepest, sharkiest you'll see what qualities make up a real
oceans man.,
to be with you. Someone say "Makeup"?
What are you doing? I did.
Cut! All right, here we go.
Well, now we have a blooper reel. Oh, yeah. Much better.
We're making a video love letter for Andy's You know what? I think I'm gonna shadow down
girlfriend. here.
Your dad uses his computer to put in cool Gloria, you are gonna love this one.
backgrounds I think we have finally found the perfect
while I act out all the things that dress.
I would do to be with her, Ta-da.
like swim an ocean or climb a mountain. It's nice, but I don't like the bow.
Ooh, how about you buy a plane ticket Let's try more.
and visit her like a normal person? We've tried on six dresses already.
I would, but the coast guard keeps her She's fine with this. Right, Lily?
really busy. I don't care.
Eyes. Does she like it? See? She loves it. Done.
She's probably so lonely with only two Go try the lace one.
other women Seriously?
to talk to in her whole 40-person unit. This is endless.
So you're saying it's just your girlfriend Why are you dragging this out?
and 36 super in-shape dudes? Because we haven't found the right dress.
37. And it's not what you think. You have got to be a better shopper than
The coast guard seriously frowns on this.
fraternizing. I have seen you buy three outfits while

第 3 页 共 9 页

-【874】-

driving a car.
Come on. It's fun.
I don't have any daughters.
All I get to buy is tuxedos,
and they all look the same.
But don't tell Manny that
because I don't want to hear another
lecture.
It's funny.
I have never cared about any of this stuff.
I didn't even wear a wedding dress when I
married Phil.
Never even tried one on.
Easy. That is the reaction
for when there's a man behind me with a gun.
All I said is I don't care about wedding
dresses.
Because you've never been in one.
I'm gonna pick some for you to try.
Okay, no, no. No need.
Come on, you'll feel beautiful.
Then you can go back to your...boy clothes.
I bought this shirt for Luke and I couldn't
return it.
And I don't have all day to try on dresses.
Oh, and I do?
It'll be fun for me.
You're my stepdaughter.
I'm older than you.
You see? It's already fun.
We're gonna start by building a simple
toolbox.
First, I'm gonna show you how to cut the
wood.
I know you're a little young for this,
goober.
Try to soak it all up.
What's this thing?
A table vise.
Table vise, ta--
No.
I already went through this with Mitchell.
That's what we're here to prevent.
Didn't your dad teach you any of this stuff?
He says the only tool you need is a sense
of humor.
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-【875】-
Modern.Family.S05E17
'Cause who needs the jaws of life
if you have a good knock-knock joke?
Luke, grab the goggles over there, please.
And try to pay attention.
We measure twice,
and we cut once.
Hey, grandpa, can you bench 180 pounds?
I just said pay attention.
And that's actually 205 with the bar.
I'll lift that for you later.
I can see you're not gonna let up about
that.
Eh, I'm okay.
Spot me.
Now, if this thing goes south,
I want you to call 911
and tell Joe his old man died as he lived
--
saving a trainload of people.
All right. That's enough for now.
Tell me everything you know about women.
Yeah, that last thing.
Funny. Funny. Funny.
I must be a little behind you guys.
His words.
Do you feel what's happening here?
- I feel pinching. - No.
I'm the weak link of this super group.
They know it and I know it.
It's fine when we're all in a big group,
but once we're separated from the herd,
the hooves come out.
Don't you mean "Claws"?
Clawed animals don't travel in herds,
Mitchell.
Packs, flocks, and prides.
Why can't we be on a farm?
I'd make you all look like such idiots.
You know what?
I'm just gonna wait outside.
Wh-- no. Cam, come on.
You're being silly.
To be perfectly honest,
I-I really needed Cam to stay.
The minute he goes,
I'm the dumb one.
 Modern.Family.S05E17
I-I took an art history class once, If I got this video,
but that was just to look at naked Italian I'd call the police.
dudes, so... Some girls actually like guys who are nice
Remember now, to them.
you're in subzero temperatures. Some girls like 36 of them.
The only thing keeping you warm There's 37 of them!
is the heat of your fiery passion. Okay, this is passion.
And...go! We can use it.
My beautiful Beth -- Andy, pick her up.
- Colder! - My b-b-beautiful B-Beth. All right, let's just get this over with.
- Colder! - B-B-B-B-- Oh, my gosh, he's actually picking me up!
That's too cold. Dad!
That's too cold. It's just for a minute.
B-B-Beth! Now lock eyes and...
Now we're talking! Action.
You're so beautiful to me! Honey, this is my long way of saying I miss
Yes! you.
Why am I so intent on helping Andy? I don't have to climb a mountain
I love filmmaking and I love love. or swim an ocean to be with you,
I guess you could say I enjoy making love 'cause you're always with me--
on film, in my thoughts,
and now I don't have to do it by myself. my dreams...
Beth, this is my long way of saying I miss my heart.
you. You deserve more than I could possibly ever
Th-- uh. You know, this is weird. give you,
I don't really know where to look. but everything I have is yours.
No, it's not weird. I love you.
J-just look deep into my eyes and sweep me Cut!
off my feet. That was beautiful.
All right. I really felt that one.
Honey... Did you feel that one?
Yeah, that's weird. No, I didn't feel anything.
It is. Yeah. I was talking to Andy.
Haley, honey, can you help us? I know! Put me down, freak!
I don't think anyone can. That really takes me back to my
Just let Andy hold you "Officer and a cheerleading days.
gentleman" style, How could a guy with so much pain
and I'll superimpose Beth's face over yours create such hopeful imagery?
on the computer. I certainly couldn't paint like that
That's insane. if my mother was dying of consumption.
I know. I can do anything with this. The last time she had a cold,
If she's not comfortable I could barely arrange the flowers on the
You know what, guys? front table.
This whole thing is really sad and You know what I found so interesting?
pathetic. Was that the first painting and the last
No girl wants a guy that tries this hard. painting

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-【876】-

were so similar,
and I think that that was intentional,
a comment on the perpetual motion of life.
The first painting was the last painting.
We walked in a circle.
Are you sure?
So...you know, I'm gonna go check on Cam
because he's been alone f-for quite some
time.
And, you know, he's probably touching a
painting.
N-no, don't go!
We're having such a good time.
I guess it's just you and me now.
It was okay when Cam left
and passed the dunce cap to Mitchell,
but with him gone,
it went to me.
What I would've given to have Luke there.
Ah, Luke.
Sweet as custard and just as smart.
And presto.
Thank you so much, Mr. Dunphy.
I wish I could repay you somehow.
Nah. Next time you're with your girlfriend,
just think of me.
Done.
Later.
Who's that?
My date.
Your lunch date? It's 5:00.
He fell asleep.
But he texted me right when he woke up.
Well, then, you'd think he'd be well-rested
enough
to walk to the front door.
Yeah, a gentleman honks to support the
troops,
not summon his girlfriend.
Although my girlfriend is a troop,
so in my case, it's a little confusing.
Oh, my god, it's still talking.
Because it knows you're not being
respected.
- Thank you. - You bet.
Ugh. You guys don't understand how dating
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【877】-
Modern.Family.S05E17
works
in the real world.
What are you talking about?
Look at everything Andy did for Beth today.
I just live my life to make her happy.
I'm gonna give this to the mailman
who's gonna give it to the coast guard,
and by this time tomorrow,
someone in the coast guard's
gonna be giving it to my girlfriend.
Can you imagine the smile on her face
when she takes it all in?
Okay, I'm gonna go while you two replay that
in your minds.
Oh, my gosh.
Would you like to re-enact "Gravity"?
Yes. Sandra Bullock!
Dang it!
Good call. That was quick.
That's what I get after I waited for you
all afternoon?
Uh...you look good?
I know that.
You were supposed to pick me up hours ago.
You were, like, the first or second person
I texted after I woke up.
Aww! That's so sweet.
Did it even occur to you who comes to the
door?
Comes to the door?
A gentleman.
Could you at least open the car door for
me?
Now can we go?
You know what?
Go take another nap.
I'd rather wait for someone
who'd walk through a blizzard for me
and only honks to support the troops!
I don't understand you.
Neither do i!
Claire, you look beautiful.
You're glowing.
I'm not glowing.
I'm sweating.
Come on.
 Modern.Family.S05E17
Look at yourself in the mirror. and won't marry Gaston.
Don't tell me that you don't feel gorgeous - Really? - What?
and special. It's the only dress she likes.
You're right. Lily wants to come to the wedding as Belle.
I am radiant. Makes sense.
Oh, it's like I'm in a... She went to Pepper's Seder as Dora the
in a fairy tale or a dream. explorer.
Lies! I-it's fine.
You're faking it. Are you sure?
Well, I'm sorry! Yes. Yes.
Look who raised me. A-As long as she's happy.
I am my father's daughter... A gay wedding is hardly the place to stop
and also kind of his son. someone
And I lied about that being Luke's shirt. from being who they want to be.
I bought it for myself in three colors. They said it's fine.
I am trying to help you out here, Gloria, Yay! I'm finally happy!
But this just isn't me. What?
You did help me. I saw you twirl.
I am glad I didn't have daughters. Oh, I did not.
You know, at least when I take Manny Yes, you did.
shopping, Such a pretty girl.
we make a day of it. Shut up.
I don't even have to ask him to twirl You're a girl.
because he just does it. How about that daughter of ours?
Vamos, Lily! She marches to the beat of her own drum,
Lily? huh?
- Lily? - Lily? Yeah. Exactly.
Is she-- no. S-so, why are we so concerned
No? She's gone. She's gone. what two nerdy teenagers think of us?
- Lily! - Wait. Wait. Isn't the true mark of intelligence
Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! being able to admit what you don't know?
No, the dress! Shh. Here comes Manny.
- Lily? - Lily? Oh, my god. Did he hear me?
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hey, guys.
I can't run in these shoes! Nothin'.
I bet you wish you had boy shoes now, huh? Hey, what are you doing out here?
Lily? You guys invited us so we could spend the
- Claire, stop! - What? day together.
- Look! - Oh, my god. It felt wrong that you two are out here
Okay, run, run. Come on. Come on! and I was in there all alone with Alex.
She looks so happy. Couldn't keep up, could you?
She does. She knows everything.
Oh, she really does. She made a docent cry.
They're gonna kill us. It's okay. We're faking it, too.
What sort of princess? Well, duh.
The kind that dances with beasts There you guys are.

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-【878】-
 Modern.Family.S05E17
Nothin'. Awesome. My first drink of beer.
Uh, we were just headed back in. I remember the day I gave Mitchell
Yeah, I'm getting a second wind. his first taste of beer.
Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. He winced and carried on
Uh, what do you say we go check out some like someone was digging a bullet out of
food trucks? his leg.
Really? I couldn't take that moment away from Phil.
I'll go back in if you guys want, Hang on. Wait a second.
but I'm actually really hungry. Let me see that.
- Yeah, whatever you want. - Okay, well, No, this beer's skunked.
whatever you need, It's no good.
Yeah.Thanks, guys. Damn fridge must be on the fritz again.
If I'm being honest, Aw, man.
I had to get out of there. Really?
I was exhausted from having to dumb it down Sorry, buddy.
all day. It's probably time to call your dad anyway,
Really? The neck? right?
Yeah, a kiss on the neck opens all kinds Okay.
of doors. Wait a second.
Last one. I want to give you something.
Great job, champ. But those are yours.
Who said you can't build anything? What's a grandfather for
My dad, the police, a doctor. if he can't give his grandson a couple of
You got a gift. tools?
Trust me. Take shop. Thanks, grandpa.
I think I'm gonna. Good job!
Hey, how'd you get to know so much about Joe...
everything? I know you're all about the boobs right now,
From my dad, mostly. but trust me...
He taught me how to use a drill, The neck.
change a tire, Don't let go!
fake an injury when a buddy asks you to help Don't worry, George Clooney, I won't!
him move. You're too handsome!
Everything a man needs to get by. Watch out for incoming space junk!
I'm just glad I have someone to pass it on From where?
to. Your zipper's down!
You've got Manny. Oh, is it?
Manny came to me kind of fully cooked. - Yeah, it is. - Just... sorry.
And I was an idiot with Mitchell, What's Andy doing here?
and by the time this guy gets old enough, They're making a video for his girlfriend.
who knows how much I'll remember? Yeah? What's it called, "Dorks in space"?
These are my prime wisdom-giving years. Oh, it was actually sweet.
You got any more questions, Luke? It's weird.
Just one -- There's something about him.
can I have a sip? You know what I mean?
The beer? Sure. What the hell. Yeah, he's just like dad.

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-【879】-
 Modern.Family.S05E17
In space, no one can hear you scream.
What?!
In space, no one can hear you scream!
I can't hear you!
In spa--
Oh, I just got it.
That's good. That's good.
Thank you.
There's no denying it is original,
but you can see the influence of Pollock.
While the pattern seems haphazard and
random,
it belies a purposefulness -- a-an
intentionality.
You know, I think what I'm responding to
is the clashing juxtaposition of color --
The bright yellow against the dark
background.
It's like a ray of sunshine in an otherwise
bleak world.
If I may take a contrary position...
...I think it speaks to the absurdity
and folly of human endeavor.
Like our futile struggle for perfection.
I get it.
I got mustard on my shirt.
Get over it.
I know we're joking,
but all kidding aside,
it really does remind me of Kandinsky's --

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-【880】-

Modern.Family.S05E18
Thank you for flying JetBlue.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
Here you go, here you go.
That was quick.
You skip the line when you're on the
excelsior level.
Three rooms adjoing, top floor.
Silver, pretty.
Platinum, so don't wave that around
everywhere.
People'll get jealous.
Maybe wa it around a little.
My friend Burt Tanner runs the hotel.
He comped us a few rooms
because we sold him some closets
for his high-roller suites.
Zebrawood, heated sock drawer,
the works.
Hey, luxury bathroom,
it's me, lowly closet.
Watch your back.
Mitchell?
Langham?
Hey, Cam,
I-it's Langham and Tim!
What are you boys doing here?
Bachelor-party weekend.
We're getting married in June.
What?
Oh, we really wanted to invite you,
but Tim's family is huge --
Relax. We're getting married in May
and you're not coming, so...
Mitchell.
Oh, look at us moving on.
It's almost like you never dumped me in an
e-mail
the morning after I told you that I loved
you.
Well, y-- in my defense, e-mail --
it was new back then...
...and it was still a blurry line
as to what was appropriate and...
Well, we have a pretty packed weekend.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【881】-
Modern.Family.S05E18
Oh, we do,but if you guys have some time,
here's our itinerary.
- Okay. - Come play.
- Oh, yeah. - Fun. Bye.
- You guys, congratulations. - Thank you.
Oh, my gosh,
an actual gay agenda.,
Looks like we're not gonna see much of you
two this trip.
- No. - No, no.
We are not participating in any of this.
They're very judgy about bachelor parties.
I offered to throw them one,
and I got a whole lecture.
We're 40. We have a child.
We've been together for 10 years.
That's the one.
It's just not who we are anymore.
Listen to this -- "Bananas and cabanas pool
party."
- Oh, Cam. - Yeah.
"Most creative speedo
wins tickets to the kilty pleasures."
- No! - Please.
What is the kilty pleasures?
This.
We will be maintaining our dignity in the
spa, thank you.
I mean, come on,
have you ever seen a scottish person this
tan?
I'm embarrassed even looking at it.
Then stop.
Whoa, that warmer drawer really works.
It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.
I'm gonna go do some shopping.
Oh, well, maybe we'll catch up later.
No, you have your day,
I'll have mine.
Well, how 'bout the bar at like 5:00?
Sure.
She was icing me,
but I deserved it.
For the first time in my whole life,
I was neglecting her.
I'd been invited to audition
 Modern.Family.S05E18
for a secret magic society in Las Vegas, We have five outrageously decadent baths
but in all my rehearsals, that I can prepare for you at a moment's
I'd paid no attention to Claire. notice.
I even left her alone in a movie theater Uh, I should just point out, though,
once. that our Pharaoh's Fantasy does take a dash
Oh, no. longer,
I let Phil think I was still mad at him normally, because our Nubian lives
because I needed a little time to myself. off-site.
Come to mama! Yeah! Um...if there's nothing else,
Years ago, Phil and I put aside money I'll just help you with your case.
for a trip on our 25th anniversary, Uh, no, uh --
but I lost that money on - I'll get that. - Yeah.
a girls' weekend in vegas. All right. Thank you.
Since then, I've been on a secret mission - I love cucumber water. - I know.
to win that money back, - If I were president - I know, I know.
and if things go well this weekend, Cucumbers in the reservoirs.
I am even. Giant cucumbers.
Vegas, you have a gambling problem, Mr. Pritchett?
and her name is Claire. Yes, hi.
Knockity-knock-knock. All right, I'll see you in 90 minutes.
Mr. Dunphy, I presume? - Enjoy. - Thank you.
Yes. Who-- hi. Mr. Tucker?
I'm Leslie Higgins Mr. Tucker?
it's a boy's name where I'm from. We had a few no-shows for the Britney
I'm your butler. concert, so...
Oh. Butler. Cool. One, please.
Yes. As an excelsior guest, Uh, what about Mitchell?
uh, I'm at your beck and call 24/7. It's Vegas -- he doesn't need to know what
Anything you need, big or small, I can I'm doing.
Can I just segue, sir, I don't need to know what he's doing.
to the importance of discretion in my job? So if you see him,
I'll just pop those -- maybe don't mention what I'm doing.
Oh, no, no, no. Never mind those. Oh. Understood.
- As you wish. - They're for an appointment So, do you have anything on the aisle?
I have later. Yeah?
The less you know about that, the better. Rasputin's Dalmatian drowned in the Volga.
A myriad of apologies, sir. I thought he was allergic to dogs.
If there's nothing else... You're thinking of Merlin.
Oh, hang on. And it was peanuts.
Actually, do you know where I can get a cape Okay, everybody.
laundered? We have a visitor.
Opera or superhero? Welcome Phil Dunphy.
I'd rather not say. Hey, Phil.
I overstepped the mark by asking. Hey. I'm so honored to be here.
Uh, could I just, uh, quickly point out You may recognize my -- my screen name,
our luxury bath service, sir? Abracadunphy17.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【882】-

That's you?
You're up in the middle of the night a lot.
My wife grinds her teeth.
But let me tell you another story.
It's about the miracle of metamorphosis.
- Uh, Phil - They say the only constant is
change --
Phil, we're gonna get to your trick in just
a minute.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Got a little excited there.
The heroes of the underground-magic
blogosphere --
"Flashpaper" Finelli, Kaiser Mayhem, the
Kid.
When you think about it,
it's crazy they're all alive at the same
time.
Jay, I'm feeling a little cold.
Maybe I should buy a scarf.
Sure, get a couple of 'em.
Why, I know it's a little extravagant,
but we're excelsior now --
might as well look it.
Many years ago, when Jay was in Las Vegas,
he bought Barkley,
the doggy butler.
I hate Barkley.
I knew if Jay saw Rebarka,
he would want her too.
Yeah, that's her name -- Rebarka.
Uh, but, uh -- you know,
if we're going to gamble,
maybe I need my lucky sweater.
Can you go and get it in the room?
Who has a lucky sweater?
You wore two different shoes to watch the
Super Bowl.
Fine.
No, Jay!
Other way.
I like that way.
Sorry, sir. This is a private elevator.
No need to apologize.
I'm glad you're on top of this stuff.
That's only for the excelsior level.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【883】-
Modern.Family.S05E18
This elevator goes to the top floor.
I thought excelsior was the top -- 62.
Mandalay Bay has 63 floors.
Top floor is excelsior plus.
Wait, they're allowed up there?
They're wearing dungarees.
Son of a bitch!
Come on, let me see an eight.
I want to see an eight.
Seven out.
Sorry.
We'll get 'em next time, baby.
Claire. Give me your key.
I need to charge something to your room.
Hang on a second.
Four. Point is four.
Okay, odds on four and a five each on "C"
And "E."
What are you talking about?
It's the lady version of Barkley.
I have to put it on hold
so that Jay, if he sees it, he can't buy
it,
and then I will cancel the charge before
we leave.
Winner-- four the hard way!
Oh, yes! Finally!
Can I have the key?
Oh, no, honey. You're not going anywhere.
You're my good-luck charm.
Give these a blow, beautiful.
And how was your massage?
So re--
So, so relaxing.
Sorry, my masseuse was blasting the Enya.
So, what are you gonna do next?
A long soak?
A long sauna?
I think a sauna.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna do a soak.
Ooh, a soak does sound nice.
Maybe I'll do a sauna.
Is that-- is that glitter on your face?
Yeah, I think my masseuse might moonlight.
Vegas.
- All right, I'll see you in an hour. - Okay.

Yeah.
Enjoy it. Really have fun.
Relax, Mitchell.
Phil, you're up.
Okay.
The miracle... of metamorphosis.
They say the only constant is change.
Well, all of that is about to ch-- be
different.
Note the simple burlap sack,
the kind you'd find in any home.
If you'd be so kind as to assist me,
the-- the-- the Kid,
I'll endeavor to prove that some change is
glacial,
while some change is instantaneous.
Now, if you'd be so kind as to raise the
simple burlap sack
above my head and pinch my wrists.
You'll note, the clock says exactly 4:02.
I have 3:15.
Yeah, I have 6:35.
Kaiser Mayhem!
It's what I do.
Wait, it's 5:20?
I actually have to call my wife.
Oh, no, Phil, you can't just stop in the
middle of a trick.
That's a cardinal rule.
Guys, it's an emergency.
Don't tell me you've never
had to call your spouse.
Oh...there's-- there's people for you.
Come on, Claire. Please pick up.
And the lady wins again.
Yes! Yes!
I did it! I did it!
I did it! I won back my money.
Oh, suck it, the house.
Claire, the key.
Yeah, okay, here you go.
And, hey, buy yourself something sparkly.
Gloria, there's a floor above us.
- What?! - I know. It threw me, too.
Excelsior plus.
But to the people on that floor,
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【884】-
Modern.Family.S05E18
we're excelsior minus.
Mm, what is up there?
You need a black card to get in.
All we've got is this stupid silver one.
Oh, I thought it was platinum.
It's crap.
Uh, why-
why don't you call your friend Burt
and tell him that we need the black card?
Because he's not my friend.
I never really even met him.
I think I heard him cough one time on a
conference call.
I don't know why he would treat me this way.
- Oh, come on! - What?
Oh, come on! You're Jay Pritchett!
You're gonna find your friend Burt
and tell him who you are,
and you're gonna get the black card,
because when you set your mind on
something,
nobody can stop you!
Right!
Wait!
Go that way.
Excuse me,
how much is that doggy in the window?
I had finally taken back from Vegas what
Vegas took from me.
That's a feeling of satisfaction I can't
describe...
Because it didn't last very long.
- Oh, hey, Claire. - Yeah?
- Have you seen Cam? - No.
Although...we should stay in one place so
he can find us.
How about a blackjack table?
Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage,
the sauna...
It was just-- it was a lot of detoxing.
You know what you need?
- Some toxing. - No.
Hand of blackjack, couple of tequilas.
Come on, it'll be fun. Do it.
You sound just like the kid who bullied me
into smoking my first cigarette.

Maybe this time you won't tell on me.
- And then hit. - Yes.
And then hit. And then stay.
- I know. I have it. - Okay.
You are in a great position right now.
Oh, the dealer has 21.
Hers is better.
I am so sorry, Mitchell.
I promise you, we did everything right.
Don't be mad.
- I'm not mad. - Really?
T-that was -- that was thrilling. I'm...
- My pulse is racing. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Thank you so much for making me do this.
- Yeah.
I'm going to play another hand.
We're going to play another hand.
No, alone.
- Not with you. You're bad luck. - Really?
Go -- far.
The minute I got rid of her,
I couldn't lose.
Oh, gambling's fun.
And easy.
Hey, big spender.
What are you doing?
Gambling. I'm a gambler now.
- Look at you, letting loose. - Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I figure
whatever mischief one might get into in
Vegas
kind of remains here within the limits of
the city, you know?
- That's a cool way to think about it. -
Yeah.
You know, I'm really glad that you came over
here.
Really? Why is that?
Well, I always hated the way
that things ended between us, you know?
Maybe now we can go out on a better note.
- That's nice. - Yeah.
Oh -- oh, my god!
6-2-3-3, that's -- that's my room number.
Huh. Um, hit me.
Seven!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【885】-
Modern.Family.S05E18
That's 21, huh?
Yes! Yeah! Ah!
Whoa, check you out.
I guess tonight's my night to get lucky.
I would say.
- Here you are. - Thank you.
- Maybe I will run into you again, huh? -
Okay.
Oh, you...
There are $2140, Higgins,
for nothing -- nothing!
I want to do something crazy.
Okay, I'm gonna order a bath.
Sir, it seems to me like you've gone mad.
Okay, this is what I want.
I want something romantic,
but also a little dangerous.
Romantic, dangerous --
might I suggest, sir, the techno bath?
Your heart will throb with the bass
while your eyes take in an off-the-scale
laser light show
from that most intimate of V.I.P. arenas
-- your own tub.
Okay. I want that.
That's what I want.
Me thinks the little red riding hood may
be a big, bad wolf.
I'll be back shortly with supplies.
Okay!
Ah, Mr. Dunphy! How are...
...we this evening?
Not so good.
I'm in a tight spot with my lady.
You know what might help?
One of those -- one of those luxury baths.
Ah, get yourself out of some hot water
by getting her into some.
Wow, so good.
Might I suggest the Michael Buble Bath?
You are a mind reader.
I'm not a mind reader, sir.
I've just been in the bath-buttling
business
since the early '90s,
despite my fresh face.

So I tend to know what these situations
need.
- I'll get the water going. - As you wish.
Same price either way.
Burt says he's gonna be here any minute.
We got to really lay it on for this guy --
best scotch, put on something sexy.
I... have a great idea!
Cigars!
A man like Burt appreciates a good cigar.
Good thinking!
Of course, upstairs, the butler would be
here already.
I'm telling you,
we might as well be sleeping in the
basement.
I said hold it, not deliver it!
Okay, there.
Come here.
Stay in Claire's room.
Hey, honey. I'm in the bathroom.
Honey?
Okay, I-I know I messed up,
But sit tight -- I got a little surprise
for you.
Higgins, you got a minute?
60 an hour.
They all belong to you, sir.
I need a couple of primo cigars, A.S.A.P.
I'm not a stickler for how they got in the
country.
I'm also expecting a special Scotch
delivery.
I need a shave.
Burt can't see me like this.
Unfortunately, the shaving butlers are all
--
I know, excelsior plus.
- Are you decent? - I am.
Well, not for long.
My partner should be here any minute.
Is it me, sir,
or is the air positively fizzing with
erotic anticipation?
Yeah.
Oh, I forgot the ice.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【886】-
Modern.Family.S05E18
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get it.
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
No, not a problem.
As you wish.
Same price either way.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
I-I'm looking for Mitchell.
Oh, yeah, he's expecting you.
In fact, he's asked me to draw the two of
you a bath.
- This is crazy. - Yeah.
I believe that's the plan.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Oh, good. You're back.
How's Claire seem?
I'm sorry?
You must have seen her out there. Is she
mad?
W-what's she doing?
Uh, she's dusting, sir.
Oh, she always cleans when she's mad.
Do me a favor --
Bring her a drink
and tell her to get comfortable on the
couch.
She's -- she's allowed on the furniture,
is she?
She's my wife.
Oh, good! I've been looking for you.
Well, you should have been looking for
somebody
who was looking for you,
because that's what I was doing.
Come on, I have a surprise for you.
Yeah, I-I've been thinking
we need to stop being so uptight.
We are in Vegas.
Let's have a little fun.
Well, I'll have to wrap my head around that,
but okay.
Now, I have just the way to kick it off --
something we could do together.
It's a little extreme,
- but I think it might be just what we need.
- Okay.
 Modern.Family.S05E18
Go on in. It's Tim.He can't know I'm here.
Are you crazy? He has insane trust issues.
Oh, come on, Cam, we deserve this. Insane?
All right, you get started, Langham, are you in there?
and then I'll jump in when it starts to heat - Go out this door. - In here.
up. Gloria, hurry up, will you?
Mitchell! He's on his way up.
Come on. Then I will throw you into it, I need to shave.
tiger. Oh, you're here.
Rub a dub dub. Jay Pritchett.
Dear, no. Thanks for stopping by.
Langham. Nice robe.
Both of you? Like Hef, Back In The Day.
Huh. Well, okay. I'm gonna cut to the chase.
No. No. No, not okay. I like your lifestyle.
What are you doing here? I want a taste of it.
You gave me your room key. Well, s-sure, that's flattering, but...
What?! Okay, the bathroom is all you--
Don't act so shocked. Gloria, it's Burt Tanner!
You told me at the bachelor party That's not Burt Tanner,
you two lead separate lives. that's Long-ham.
You went to the bachelor party? Langham!
Yes, and I was starting to feel bad about What's that thing doing here?
sneaking around, Just enjoying a dirty martini
but I guess I shouldn't have, before a cleansing romp in the bath.
Now that I see what you're up to. That's not who the bath is for.
I'm not up to anything! Oh, my mistake.
I left my key by mistake. Welcome...Claire.,
We're all obviously tense. You're certainly gonna be clean
Let's take a deep breath... by the end of the night, aren't you?
Get in the tub... Jay, I forgot all my hair products!
That's not happening. I'm going to borrow from Claire.
You want to tell me Okay, the coast is clear.
how you "Accidentally" gave someone your Jay!
key? Go, go, go, go, go, go.
You want to tell me why you spent all day Hey. Phil, there you are.
sipping tequila out of some guy's navel? Ducky! How'd you know where I was?
You saw that? Magicians run this town.
I guessed. Really?
Hi, guys. What's going on? No. I'm a shaving butler up on plus.
Hey, Claire. Can you please just come back? Look, I felt bad about how things went down
We're in the middle of an argument. today,
Oh. Bet I know why. and I-I just wanted to give you another
Are you guys getting in the bath? shot.
Or I'm way off. Right this way.
Langham! I really think you're gonna like what you

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【887】-

see.
Okay, let me just get everything set up.
Metamorphosis.
They say the only constant is change.
I-I'm sorry, what -- I-- s-- what is that?
Oh, I don't even know.
Something my wife bought.
Let me just get rid of it. Here we go.
Really, uh, rubbing it in on that wife thing,
huh?
Metamorphosis.
Burt!
Nice of you to come down a floor
and see how the other half lives.
If you will,
raise it above my head and pinch it at my
wrists.
Go ahead and make it good and tight.
Don't be easy on me.
Okay.
Now...
as the lowly caterpillar becomes the
majestic butterfly,
as the tiny acorn becomes the mighty oak,
so, too, do we complete our...
metamorphosis.
So, it's the Governor's Bluff.
Well, it's a huge twist on the Governor's
Bluff.
No, no, no, no, no!
There were other elements.
You just kind of threw me off.
I forgot -- I was gonna --
as a flourish I was gonna use one --
A-- that's amazing!
Y-you lull me with this--
- with this hacky quick change,
and the whole time,
you're changing the fake dog into a hot
maid?
It's brilliant! It's magic!
No, that's metamorphosis!
Like you, Burt,
I enjoy the finer things.
As a matter of fact,
that's probably the Cuban I ordered for
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【888】-
Modern.Family.S05E18
you.
Cam, if you wanted a bachelor party,
you should have just said something.
Well, I didn't know I wanted one until we
got here.
And you're so "Eh, eh, eh,"
- I-I was afraid to say anything. - Okay,
all right.
Lucky for the two of you,
I know you better than you know yourselves,
and what the two of you need
is a little guilty pleasure,
or should I say...
The Scotch delivery you had me on the
lookout for, sir.
I like your style, Pritchett.
You're in.
Vegas.
This reminds me of my late grandfather.
He was Scottish?
He was a stripper.
There we go.
You've got the touch, kid.
I was blessed with my mother's small hands,
sir.
Shall I order your complimentary,
in-room, hot-stone massage?
Complimentary?
All part of the excelsior-plus experience,
sir.
Might be nice after a dip in your private
lap pool.
Oh, where has this been all my life?
You know, I saw a harpist in the elevator.
Can we get that for our brunch tomorrow?
If it was up to me, yes, but unfortunately,
that is reserved for our excelsior-ultra
guests only.
Son of a bitch!

Modern.Family.S05E19
We got a package from my dad.
No air holes in the box.
That's a good sign.
Lily loved having that chicken.
One more time than she realized.
Listen, I just got an e-mail from our
wedding singer.
- He has a small request. - Another one?
Since when does the wedding singer send us
requests?
Well, no, he just wants to change a few
songs in your medley
to avoid overlap with the stuff that he's
performing.
Well, I hope it's none of my showstoppers.
Oh, they're all showstoppers.
Oh, you're too kind.
Oh, my gosh, it's us.
For our wedding cake.
Couldn't you just die?
I really think I could.
My dad made this.
He's a world-class soap carver.
You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed,
and my mom washed my mouth out
with the leaning tower of Pisa.
She still blames herself to this day.
Oh, I would have nixed that wedding topper
immediately,
but Cam and I have an agreement.
We -- we each got three vetoes of each
other's wedding ideas --
No questions asked.
And it -- it worked for...a while
I think you're gonna love my wedding board.
I'm pretty excited, too.
- Veto. - Veto.
- Veto. - Veto.
I'm sorry I'm so emotional.
It's just the nicest thing ever.
You don't think that I look just a little
bit --
I mean, my dad carved through his
arthritis!
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【889】-
Modern.Family.S05E19
Maybe it's the kicky leg.
I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into
this.
He found us in soap.
Today, mitchell, I know love.
I no love, either.
So, take your time looking around.
Thanks.
I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment
that she and Manny lived in before she met
Jay.
It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood
with a distinct multicultural bent
that's undergoing an exciting urban
renewal.
That's a fancy way of saying "The gays found
it."
I can't believe that I lived here for five
years.
Even turning the lights on was a pain.
Look at this.
Keep it down, you bitch!
Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive.
I am really digging this place.
Right?
The gas stove, the moldings --
they don't make 'em like this anymore.
I'll probably gut it.
Rip it out.
That's what I'd do.
I want my contractor to swing by,
but I really like it.
Great. All right. Thanks.
- Bye-bye. - Talk to you soon.
So nice to meet you.
I'm not selling to him.
What? Really?
He's a quality buyer.
You're tired of finding renters.
This is a family building.
Generations have lived there,
and usually at the same time.
He just wants to flip it.
Okay.
I got a backup I can probably get here in
an hour.

You want to wait in there?
You walk in that door,
you never come out.
No, no, not the bar -- the coffee shop.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
But we can wait next door.
That's my old hair salon where I used to
work.
You can get drinks there, too.
Gloria!
No, no, no, it's not Jay.
What's so funny?
What's so funny?
She thinks you're my lover.
That is funny!
I don't know if it's "a room full of women
laughing" funny,
but...
Ay, Rita, no.
Phil is a friend of mine,
and we're just killing time before an
appointment.
I hate to ask, Gloria,
but my new girl hasn't shown up.
Any chance you could help?
Ay, of course!
It will be so much fun!
I don't want to ruin my nails.
Phil, would you do my shampooing?
Well, I-I guess so.
We've got the time.
Just a warning --
I haven't shampooed professionally since
college,
and that was only part-time to pay for my
cheer gear.
Wow. That was super-braggy.
What do we got, double sinks?
What's the nozzle sitch?
Not to sound too braggy,
but your mom was kind of
a badass at work this week.
It was hard enough with grandpa being sick
and me suddenly in charge,
but it was just one crisis after another.
Luke, honey, we're going!
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【890】-
Modern.Family.S05E19
Fire in the warehouse,
surprise inspection from OSHA,
our biggest buyer tried to pull out of a
deal,
and I have to talk him off a ledge.
Whatever. It's over now.
I don't want to bore you guys with this
stuff.
So, when I get to work on Wednesday,
Margaret is ready in tears,
and there are two cops in the waiting room,
and I say to them,
"One of you had better be able to drive an
18-wheeler,
"because I've got 100 rosewood panels to
get to Victorville,
or it's coming out of my paycheck."
I told you guys about the drivers and the
bad tuna?
- Bad tuna, - Yes.
- yeah. - Yes, I did.
Hey, mom, I forgot how fun this car was.
And these automatic doors and that TV in
the back.
You know what else was fun?
The party they threw for me at work on
Friday.
I mean, it was a little bit embarrassing.
I didn't even know "She-ro" was a word,
and there it was, in icing.
Hello, hello!
Welcome to Jay's night.
Names, please.
Want to make sure you're on the list.
Kidding! Just excited.
Appetizers on the bar,
scrabble on the coffee table,
and our feature presentation,
"The Great Escape."
Speaking of which, Haley...
Don't worry, grandpa.
I'm not leaving.
I have no plans for the night.
Me, either.
But when I say it, it's news.
When you say any complete sentence,

it's news.
Okay, girls. Dad, you feeling better?
You had a rough week, huh?
Nah. I'm fine.
Looks like you had a big week.
You heard about that?
Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow on all the
office drama.
By the way, sincerely...
Yeah?
...great...
great guacamole on the bar, there.
Wow. That's it?
Everything you did for him,
and he doesn't even say "Thank you"?
I get it.
It's "Hero" with a "She."
Okay, I'm up to speed.
Yeah, that was cold.
It's just his way.
After years of disappointment,
I have learned not to expect a pat on the
head from my dad.
He's not capable of it.
But it has taught me a very important lesson
that you girls should learn, too --
approval comes from within.
I knew that, mom.
'Course you did, 'cause you're smart.
Hey, is Lily out of the tub?
We got to be at my dad's soon.
Oh, no!
It's not that big of a deal.
We can be a little late.
No! Lily had the cake topper
in the tub with her!
Oh, no. How could such a terrible mistake
have occurred?
I think she must have just thought it was
a toy or something.
Well, I hope it's not completely ruined
forever.
Oh, no. Are you kidding me?
My daddy uses a special shellac on this
thing.
This is water-resistant,
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-【891】-
Modern.Family.S05E19
heat-resistant -- you name it.
Good to know.
Yeah, but put it someplace safe.
It could still be slippery,
so be careful.
Is it?
Oh, yeah, it is!
It's slippery!
Is it okay?
Not a scratch.
Apparently, I'm tougher than I look.
Hey, boys. Having fun?
You know it.
Love us some Jay's night.
Okay, we're out of here.
Kristy Hughes,
A.K.A. "Kristy huge ones,"
is having a pool party two blocks away.
What about Jay?
He thinks we're at a party.
He'll never know.
We sneak out, work the room,
cannonball, cannonball,
and we're back in time for dinner.
Were you even invited?
No.
But that's only because I don't know her
or any of her friends.
We're not invading her house.
Besides, this hair at a pool party --
One dunk, and it goes off like an airbag.
What's this? You made sauce?
Well, you were sick.
I didn't know if you could handle it.
Back in Vietnam, I had hepatitis.
Still managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner
for 300 soldiers.
I think I can handle sauce.
Well, I saved you the trouble.
So, Margaret tells me I'm using some new
delivery trucks now.
Yeah. They're hybrid.
Now, they cost a little more,
but when I factored in the tax rebates
you get for going green,
we come out ahead.
 Modern.Family.S05E19
Speaking of "Green," This is a beautiful gift my father made
you went a little heavy on the vegetables, for the top of our wedding cake.
huh? I guess he ran out of soap before he got
I'm not sure I can stomach anything that's to me.
healthy. - Darn. - For you.
Gosh, mom, that truck thing sounds so Ladies, check out
amazing. your uncle Mitch and Cam in soap.
Yeah! That's soap?
It's fine, dad. It's beautiful.
Only do what we're capable of, right? This is my worst nightmare.
Oh, damn. You shouldn't have blown through those
No, Stella, stay. No. vetoes.
Good girl. This is how Cam's dad sees me --
Thank you, Stella. like some fawning damsel.
Thank you for listening. If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Oh, I'm so proud of you. Dad!
Who's my best girl? Thank you.
Don't. A lot can happen before the big day.
Okay, girls, we are ready for scrabble. Believe me, I've already tried.
I'll grab some snacks. That thing is indestructible.
Uh, potato chips, please. What if it went missing?
Oh, so I can hear about how much Things disappear around here all the time.
you hate yourself all night? Do they?
Hello, Luke. All the time.
Come on! We've got to go! Let's just say I have a friend
That party's full of sophomores. who helps me in these kinds of situations.
Those women have lived. I'm listening.
No, we're going back inside, The less you know, the better.
we're eating Jay's food, I'm not listening.
and we're playing his board games. We never had this conversation.
More like boring games. This is a non-versation.
They're already called "Board." Right.
You don't make it more clever by -- I am giving you the...no-ahead.
Never mind. Oh, I miss you girls.
Okay. Thanks. Nobody in my white family thinks that I am
Did you work everything out with the funny.
wedding singer? Honey, Hector had a life before he met you.
Oh, yeah -- I'm just dropping my big finale So I have to eat dinner with his ex?
because he's doing the same song. Well, you certainly don't want him going
"My Way"? alone --
His way. Not with his history.
Hey, guys. Who are you really mad at?
Sorry we're late, Ay, I don't know.
but we come with wine. Come on, Luisa.
And whittlin'! Raul!
Check it out. Hector's going to hurt me just like Raul

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-【892】-

did!
There it is.
But Hector isn't raul, okay?
They're just cousins.
We need to get a move on.
The client's gonna come over to the
apartment at 4:00.
I am swamped. I can't just leave.
Gloria, we're here to sell your apartment.
We don't work at the salon.
Muchísimas gracias, Bianca.
No más texting ese hombre.
It's for a young couple with a baby on the
way.
They're not flippers.
They're looking for a place to settle down
and make a home.
Okay, just move them.
If they really want it, they'll come back.
But, Gloria --
Ay, please, just help me with Anna's foils.
I have a weave emergency!
Something's not right.
Qué qué pasó?
No, no, no, not with you. You look great.
You know who's gonna hate this,
is a certain jealous sister.
Cinco de my, oh, my.
How am I supposed to do this with so many
"I"s on my rack?,
Sorry.
Where's Luke?
How long does it take him to get the
dictionary?
We described it for him perfectly.
Wait a minute.
He's not coming back.
Ugh. Move your "S."
I-I'm going as fast as I can.
Mitchell! It's gone!
What is?
The cake topper.
Lily, have you seen the little daddies
you were bathing with earlier?
Don't say that.
I saw Stella playing with it.
Modern.Family.S05E19
What?
Oh, look at her. She's all muddy.
She must have brought it outside and buried
it.
She does it all the time!
Oh, no. We have to go find it.
Good luck.
That thing's as good as gone.
Dang it!
And the worst part is,
we don't even have a picture of it.
Do we?
Okay, we can't give up.
Let's go out into the yard and look for it.
Careful. I wouldn't come between Stella
and anything she's buried.
She's a wild animal.
No telling what she'll do.
That's a very aggressive stance.
Luke! Wait!
Oh. Look at that.
You left your yard,
and your little shock collar didn't go off.
Luke --
Okay, so, here's the new plan.
You hang back while I break the ice,
and then, when the time is right --
Manny! You made it!
Who's this?
"Who's this?"
Excuse me,
Kristy huge ones, I have a name.
Okay, come on. Stop.
I'm tired of chasing you all day.
Then don't.
Stay as long as you want at that lame party.
You want to talk?
You're the dorky sidekick, not me.
Want to talk nicer?
How could you be invited and I wasn't?
I don't know.
It's like the stuff that used to make me
kind of weird,
people are starting to like.
So?
I'm the same as I always was.

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 Modern.Family.S05E19
Well...maybe you could upgrade a little. Actually, mm, that's pretty good.
Uh, we're tired of the yoda voice, But it could use a little,
and if a girl tells you she went to london, um...sauce.
maybe don't ask if she also saw France. Let me just -- ooh, hot.
I liked things better when you were the one Try a little Parmesan with that?
who was ostrich-sized. I should probably get that bread in the
What? oven.
You know, like a freaky outsider -- Just...
the way an ostrich feels around regular Okay! Hey!
birds. Hey, how about we take over in here
You know what else girls like? while you two get cleaned up for dinner?
The mysterious, silent type. Yes, good idea.
What are you doing with my sauce, there, Yeah. Okay.
cookie? Approval comes from within.
That's yours. Thank you.
This is mine. Your sauce needs garlic.
I prepped it this morning. - Okay. - Okay.
I figured, why not make it? And that's a clock.
Um...maybe because I already made sauce? Okay, well, do another one.
Can't have too much. I've done like four.
Can't ya? This dog is a worse hoarder than your uncle
Hand me that ladle, huh? Clayton.
What are you doing? I got it. He's a collector.
What do you say? Of expired yogurt?
What? Getting tired.
What do you say when somebody does Cam, can we just stop, please?
something for you? I feel like we've done our best,
What do you say? but we're just not gonna find it.
You want me to thank you for handing me a Found it!
ladle? Oh! Good.
You thanked the dog for staying -- Thank god.
which is basically doing nothing -- I hadn't even told you my biggest plan for
so I know you know the words. this yet.
Fine. Bigger than the top of our wedding cake?
Thank you for handling me the ladle. I'm gonna have a mold made of it and give
You sure those are ready? a reproduction
You didn't throw one against the wall. to everyone who comes to the wedding
Oh, dad, nobody does that anymore. and everyone who can't come to the wedding.
Oh. I guess we have new ways for doing Imagine hundreds of these across the
everything now, huh? country.
No. I didn't say that. No!
I'm just saying that you can taste your food No! No! Absolutely not!
instead of flinging it at the wall like a I hate it! It's awful!
chimp. I knew it!
Okay. I knew it!
How's it taste? It just shows up in Lily's bath,

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-【894】-
 Modern.Family.S05E19
and then, all of a sudden, the dog has it? Yes. Let's meet them next week.
You have it in for this beautiful topper. And besides, we're late for Jay's party.
Look at this. Look at it. Look at it! Well, I'm not letting you go home looking
Come on, you're all heroic and Paul like this.
Bunyan-y, You're a little ratty back here.
and I'm -- I'm, like, some sissy man Ay, no.
with -- with pinkish cheeks and a No, no, no. I got it.
turned-out heel. You just relax.
It's a caricature. What a day, huh?
What matters is what it represents. Being back here must bring up a lot of
My daddy making this for us memories.
means he's accepted us for who we are! Oh, yeah.
Don't you get that? Maybe even some emotions.
I never really thought about it that way. Yeah. It feels weird.
No. You hadn't. No, weird's an adjective,
I'm just being sensitive. not an emotion, but go on.
I need to have a thicker skin. Well, it's just that my life now is so
I-I'm really, really sorry. different than before --
No, don't -- don't -- don't be sorry. so much easier.
No. And that makes you feel...?
And I -- n-- I don't want something at the Good.
wedding And also...?
that makes you uncomfortable. And bad.
Well, no, that doesn't seem fair. Why?
I've used up all my vetoes. I don't know.
Well, if it -- Come on, now, Gloria.
I guess, if it makes you feel better, I don't know.
I could give you one more veto -- I guess it just makes me feel a little
if you give me one more, too. ashamed.
Okay, sure. Now, what in the world do you have to be
And in the future, ashamed of?
if there's anything -- It's just that, you know,
The wedding singer. before, when I used to live here,
Okay. Thanks, daddy. I used to work for every penny.
I'll send you the perfect picture to model I would stand on my own two feet.
it on. Now I just stand on expensive shoes
After today, I'm convinced that Jay buys for me.
our landfills are 10% hair. Is that why it's so hard to let go of the
Oh, yes. apartment?
I forgot how exhausting this is. No, Phil, it's not that --
Well, all we have to do Gloria.
is meet the clients back at the apartment, Maybe.
and then we can head home. Gloria.
Ay, no. I'm too tired now. Yes.
Let's reschedule. It's the last piece of the old me.
Really? Again? No, no! You're going too deep!

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-【895】-
 Modern.Family.S05E19
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Honey, what's the matter with you?
I'm sorry, but I think you're looking at That's a question that maybe you should
this all wrong. answer.
The old you hasn't gone anywhere. Oh, my gosh! My headphones!
I-I-I see it in the way you're raising Manny That's the worst.
and Joe, "Here's to 40 years in the business.
the way you care for Jay. Enjoy your new timer, old-timer."
You never take anyone or anything for Suddenly, it made sense.
granted. In my dad's mind,
You worked hard for years I was reaching for a torch he wasn't ready
without knowing that things were gonna get to pass.
better. Sure, someday,
And then the universe rewarded you. I'm gonna take over his business,
There's nothing to be ashamed of. but not tonight.
So you're not mad at me Tonight is still Jay's night.
because I don't want to sell the apartment? So, dad...
No. turns out,
You'll know when you're ready, I did have a bunch of questions for you last
and I'll be here. week,
Aw, Phil. but I didn't want to bother you with them.
You're the best. I didn't want you to think I couldn't handle
There's no one like you. it.
Claire, that looks so good. There's no shame in asking for help.
I can't wait to try it. You can always call.
Thank you. Well, I won't need to.
Something has happened here. You'll be in the office down the hall,
Well, you'll all be happy to know right?
that our search for the cake topper Right.
unearthed a number of family treasures. Goldilocks to Papa Bear.
Come on, Cam. We're eating over here. Goldilocks to Papa Bear.
Wait. Come in, Papa Bear.
Didn't I give you this for Father's Day? This is Papa Bear.
And that. On location in the garage, Papa Bear.
You see how this dog is? Got some cocoa with your name on it.
My karaoke microphone. What's your 20?
Jay, check it out! Oh, what the hell?
The other walkie-talkie! What's going on?
Shame on you, Jay Pritchett! The kids unfriended me again.
You have used this dog to bury the things How am I supposed to know what's going on
that you hate. in their lives
- What? - Yeah! If they never talk to me?
Since when do you need help burying things? Honey...
Calm down. She buries stuff of mine, too. I got this.
Look. Yeah. It's been kind of a rough year.
Everybody at the office bought me this New school,
clock last month. new kids,

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-【896】-
 Modern.Family.S05E19
and now I'm taking advice about girls
from a kid who has his own shoe buffer.
What?!
I tried beer.
Wow, dad. This feels great.
Good. Good.
You're-- you sure there's --
there's nothing on your mind?
No.
Why do you ask, dad?
You seem upset about something.
It's just, you reach a certain age,
and you start to wonder,
"Am I everything I wanted to be?"
I mean, am I selling houses,
or am I just selling out?
Anything else?
Alex tried beer.

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-【897】-

Modern.Family.S05E20
Are you getting this?
I'm getting the shot.
I'm just not getting what you're trying to
do.
We're in Australia -- it's on the bottom
of the globe,
so everyone here but me is upside-down.
It's geography.
It's a good time to tell you --
I dropped Luke on his head when he was 1.
Okay, I'm up.
Did you drop him, too?
Grab my leg, buddy.
Here we go.
I come from the land down under.
He doesn't.
I was conceived in Australia on my parents'
honeymoon.
It was a romantic summer night -- their
summer --
on a blanket in the park.
I still have that blanket.
Phil's mom left us money for a trip there,
and when the rest of the family found out,
they all just jumped on board.
My mom's grandfather was Australian,
and she'd spend her summers
-- their winters -- visiting him.
It was a very special place for her.
She always wanted me to see it.
Wait -- you still have that blanket?
Yeah, silly. It's the one on our bed.
You sure you don't want some of this
vegemite, Gloria?
You don't know what you're missing.
Ay, I don't eat anything unless I know
what's in it.
I've seen this woman scarf down a pig's
nose.
Sometimes, one must travel halfway across
the globe
to get the clearest view of home.
This was my whole flight.
What's she talking about?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【898】-
Modern.Family.S05E20
My college-application essay.
They want students who are worldly.
Oh, why don't you write about our trip to
Hawaii
when you drank straight from a coconut?
I feel like Harvard's gonna get
a lot of those, so...
Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks
for being a part of this pilgrimage to
majestic Australia,
which was once a penal colony.
Grow up.
This place was really special to my mom.
She actually left me a list of things
that she thought we should do --
Visit the great Barrier Reef,
See the bush...
Really?
...and climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
what do you say, mates?
I'm sorry, honey,
but you know how I am with heights.
Ah. Is that why you never wear high heels?
You guys are with me, right?
- Absolutely not. - Nah, I'm not doing that.
- Really? - No.
No worries.
That's Australian.
I'll, uh, I'll do that one on my own if I
have to.
I'm just so excited we're all here
together.
- Actually, we have to go. - Yeah, so...
Back in the day, we knew this guy from
Australia.
- New Zealand. - Same thing.
He didn't have a lot of friends, and we felt
sorry for him,
but the truth is, he was kind of annoying.
He was one of those guys that was always
on.
Big relief when his visa ran out.
Anyway, through no fault of my own --
Wait, no, wait --
you announced on Facebook
that we were going to Australia, which is
 Modern.Family.S05E20
where he lives. Watching the natives take nourishment from
Fergus invited us to lunch. I couldn't say their land
no. has made me acutely aware of the fact
I could have said no. that I am just saying words now.
Which is why you have 12 friends on What is wrong with me?
Facebook. I'm totally blocked.
Claire, honey, I got to tell you, So am I. Scooch.
you really knocked it out of the park on How's it going?
the Hanover deal. Why weren't you all over that?
Oh, come on, dad. That was all you. He's totally gorgeous.
No, it was you. This country's number-one export is hot
No, it was you! surfers.
It was you. It was your baby. I'm not gonna buy the first one I see.
This was my whole flight. I'm still browsing.
Claire took the lead on her first project Ooh! Kangaroos! I'm going to buy one.
at the company Lily, what did I just say?
and scored a big one. I don't know. Something about shoes,
Best part is, she beat out that arrogant probably?
gasbag Earl Norton Your dad gave you enough money for one
over at Closets, Closets, Closets, souvenir.
Closets. Don't buy the first thing you see.
I wish I could see the look You'll regret it your whole trip.
on his stupid face, face, face, face. You're right.
So, what's first? I have enough regret.
I think Manny wants to see the Opera House. You got to be kidding me.
Actually, it was a long flight. We got outbid!
I was thinking maybe just... Hang out on What? By whom?
Bondi beach. I'll give you four guesses.
That's a great idea, Manny. Damn it.
Bondi beach is topless. Wait a second.
Thank you, TripAdvisor. They're giving us 48 hours to submit a new
Beach it is. bid.
Let's get this Aussie party started! We can do that.
Oh, my god. What's wrong with your mouth? We can totally do that.
Ay! Your lips are huge! Let's go back to the hotel and figure it
I think you're allergic to the ve-he-mi-te. out.
No worries. Can it wait?
I'd be a little worried. Yeah, we're on vacation.
My mom said that Joe is fine, Oh, sorry, guys. We have to do this.
he ate, he slept, he woke up, and then he This is my baby.
ate again. Jay.
Classic Joe. - Dad! - Claire.
So, uh, Luke and I are gonna take a break Gloria.
from the sun. Fine! You two go back to work.
Yeah. We're kind of tired. Phil and I, we're going to walk to the
Tired of not seeing boobs. ocean,

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-【899】-
 Modern.Family.S05E20
and we're going to have more fun without It's a big deal here, I suppose,
you. but yeah.
Yeah, we will. It's a shame you guys have got to leave so
No, we won't. Not at all. soon.
Why would you guys even say that? Oh, well, you know,
So, after sitting there for 40 minutes, we could stay for a little bit longer.
I tell the waitress, - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's fine.
"I'm actually in a hurry. You never finished the story about the
Any chance of getting the eggs waitress and the...
before they turn into chickens?" Yeah, with the...
You know? And she's a total bogan. "Who had the waffles?!"
She's like, "I've got five tables!" - Waffles?! - Waffles?!
You know how they have the tray? I just feel bad that Claire and Jay
She's sashaying with the legs. are missing such a beautiful day in this
"Oh, who's got the waffles?! gorgeous country,
Who-- who's got the waffles?!" which is also a continent.
All right, we get it. We get it. You have a lot of facts.
People are looking. I think this spiritual journey of yours is
Oh, nothing I can do to stop that. a wonderful thing.
Well, I can think of one thing. I think it's gonna make you feel closer to
- Well, listen, Fergus, it has been great your mother.
catching up, - Yes. I hope so.
but we really have to spend some time with I miss her.
our family today. It's the biggest reason I came here -- to
I'm -- I'm so sorry. Um, Mr. Anderson? connect.
We are huge fans. Is that weird?
Could we get a picture? Not at all.
Of course. Come on. I talk to my late grandmother all the time.
Bring it in. She would have loved this place.
Sit down there. There you go. I wonder if she's here with me now.
I won't get up. No, she doesn't like to fly.
What's happening? Isn't it wild that my mom and dad made
I don't know. Google him. footprints
I didn't spring for an international data in this very sa-- aah!
plan. What?!
Thank you so much. Something bit me!
You like that? All right. Jellyfish!
Oh, my god! What is this?
Hey, remember your old downstairs neighbor Not one topless woman.
that could put his entire fist in his mouth? Calm down.
Cam. You're gonna spook the boobs.
I think my fist got bigger. Uh, wait -- 2:00.
Wait. Fergus, Hey, Luke!
you have your own show? Luke! How deep is it?!
Yeah. It's just a little talk show. Be cool! We don't want to look like idiots!
No big deal. I lost my bathing suit!

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-【900】-
 Modern.Family.S05E20
Manny, help me find it! but that lifeguard was the cutest boy I've
I don't have my nose plug! ever seen.
Little boy, are you okay? I know.
Manny, say something! Hey, guys!
Miss! Miss! He lost his bathing suit! Found 'em in the business center.
Oh, honey, I can help you find it. It's Come on. We got to catch the bus to the bush.
okay. What time did you wake up?
I'm fine! 5:00 A.M. Claire has an incredible work
The water's really clear. ethic.
I love your limo! She's like a young me.
You don't think it draws too much attention Yung-mi was our accountant from Korea.
to me? Died at her desk.
What are you talking abo-o-o-o-o-ut?! Okay, enough work.
No. - It's time to enjoy our vacation. - Yeah.
We ended up spending a little more time with Yeah, we just got to finish up a few quick,
Fergus little thi--
than we planned. No, you're done.
Which, honestly, felt like growth to us, - Done. We're done. - Let's go.
- Yes. - Because I think Jay, I miss you.
sometimes we judge people before we get to And besides, I don't know that I can keep
know them. Phil safe anymore.
I cannot believe they let us in here. I think he's going to die here.
How famous are you? Oh, it's Fergus.
Well, sometimes, I feel like I'm the one What? Why did he text you and not me?
in the zoo. He invited us to a party today on Hugh
Only difference between me and this guy Jackman's yacht.
is I won't pee on you. What?! Not today! No!
Right? I want to meet Hugh Jackman!
Seriously, they will pee on you. I do, too. I do, too.
Oh, for real? He will pee on us? But, you know, w-we can't bail on my family
- Okay. - Is that so? again.
Turns out, we have a lot in common. That makes us complete star
For example, we all hate standing in lines. you-know-what-ers.
Make sure I get copies of those. Plus, Cam, this will be fun, too.
Isn't he funny? Everybody have their sunscreen and bug
We're with him, so we're just gonna... spray?
Come on. Through you go. I got the snakebite kit.
Sorry. Classic Fergus, Hey, guys, we just got some really bad news.
getting us in like this. Yeah, so...
Cam. Walking the paths once trod by the first
Where's the next gift shop? Australians
I cannot look at another souvenir, Lily. has made me...what?
You did this. Unbearable?
Lily, relax. Now, if we're lucky,
You'll find the perfect one. we'll see some of Australia's more famous
I want to believe you, indigenous species --

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-【901】-
 Modern.Family.S05E20
kangaroo, dingoes, koala. Oh, guys. Thank god you're here.
Quick question. Just had the worst fight with Hugh.
Oh, good -- another one. Oh, no. What happened?
Isn't it true that baby kangaroos, or -- I took a shot at Russell Crowe in "Les Mis."
or joeys, Hugh took offense.
are born without hind legs? Oh, well, he has to know
Yes. - Russell was horribly miscast. - He has
Once again, you've correctly answered your to know.
own question. Horribly miscasted.
I just got a text from earl at Closets, - It's not his fault. - It's not his fault.
Closets, Closets -- He was -- the acting was fine, but --
I know what it's called, dad. Okay, let's get on this boat and fix this.
Listen to this -- "Better luck next time. Yep. Fix it.Come on.
Ha ha." That's not the boat.
He always knows what to say to get my goat. They've already gone.
I'm waiting for a quote from the lumber Hugh was standing on his deck in a skimpy,
supplier, little bathing suit,
but this hike is three hours -- I'm gonna disappointed look on his face.
lose signal. Wait. I'm s-- wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's go back. Skimpy?
Dad, we can't just up and leave without a I'm sorry -- standing on his what?
plausible reason wh-- On his deck.,
Claire's hurt! Of the boat. Got it. Okay.
What happened? You know what?
Well, you know what a klutz she is. We don't need them.
Honey, are you okay? I'll hire a boat. We'll have our own party!
Not really. This is the life, eh, boys?
Yeah, well, I -- let me get her back to camp. Oh, s-- so we're not taking this to a bigger
We're just gonna slow you down. boat?
- Come on, sweetheart. -Yeah, you guys have A bigger boat!
fun. Have a meat pie.
How dumb do they think we are? No, thank you. No.
Sometimes, claire leaves me pictures of No, thanks.
food Are you okay, Phil?
instead of a shopping list. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm so nervous. I just wish Claire was here to see all this.
Are we gonna see Hugh Jackman in a bathing Plus, my foot's twice its normal size,
suit? and the mosquitoes are really going after
What do we say to hugh jackman in a bathing my jellyfish bites.
suit? Look! A sign!
Oh, my god. It's so big. What?
That's a bit direct, but, you know, he might You wanted to see a kangaroo, and now you
be flattered. see one.
Oh, you're talking about the boat. I think this is your mother trying to tell
Fergus! you
Fergus! that the rest of the trip is going to be

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-【902】-
 Modern.Family.S05E20
magical, Phil. Perfect. Now we're wearing makeup.
That is so my mom, You have got to be kidding me.
to say it with a kangaroo. Okay, can we walk to the bush?
Look. Nah. Dispatch is sending a cab in an hour.
So beautiful. - An hour. - What?!
Okay, but be careful. You're gonna scare No, Cam, we deserve this.
him. We deserted our family, we abandoned our
G'day, mate. daughter,
Hey, aren't you gor-- and for what?
This one. We're not just star you-know-what-ers.
No, this one! We're you-know-what-holes!
No, this one! You know Lily's not here, right?
I can't breathe! Oh, my god.
Shopping with Lily is the best birth Please be cool.
control in the world. I'm always cool.
Yeah. Hello!
But you know it's not, right? There's some pretty fancy shoes.
Ooh! This one! Thank you...?
Thank god. Hurry up and buy it. So, listen, we don't want any trouble,
Wait. What if there's a better one later? uh, but my -- my friend and I --
Let's keep looking. "Friend"? Really?
No, no, no! You are buying that. Yeah.
You're never gonna find anything better. Our cab broke down,
I never found a hotter lifeguard, okay? and we are trying to get to our daughter
This is perfect, and it is right in front --
of you. The daughter my friend and I have together.
Here. Thanks. Well, that ain't right.
I really love your accent. Daddies should be with their little girls.
Wow. Thank you. Seriously, where can I get a pair of them
I would like to return this. shoes?
Penny for your thoughts? He wants your shoes. Give him your shoes.
Boobs. What? All right.
Me too! I don't want your shoes. I want to get me
What's our problem? own.
I freaked out when those things came at us. He doesn't want your shoes. Put your shoes
I think I could've handled one, on.
but they ganged up on me. I knew it!
Hey, boys. Gloria, don't be mad.
How would you like to participate Too late!
in an aboriginal walkabout? I know this looks really bad,
No, thanks. Why don't you ask those girls but you have to understand that this is my
over there? --
This walkabout's for men only. Your baby?! I know.
Trust me -- we're not men. And you should be ashamed of yourself!
Sounds like you need this more than anyone. You have a husband who is on a spiritual
Quick -- come here. journey

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-【903】-
 Modern.Family.S05E20
and was punched by a kangaroo! But I was not going to give him the
What?! satisfaction.
Gloria! Damn it!
Honey, I just heard. Why, Australia?! Why?!
How did you get punched by a kangaroo? Hey, mate.
Really hard. How's...it going?!
In the face. Everything okay here?
Oh. I'm sorry. Not really.
Oh, boy. You don't mind me saying, you look a bit
Is there anything I can do? beaten up.
Could you stop working and sit with me for Yeah.
a while? I love your country,
- Yes, of course I can. - Thank you. but your country doesn't love me back.
Okay. Be -- be soft. Australia's rejected me.
Okay. Thank you. Aw, baby. You see this right here?
Oh, my god. Phil. That's from a croc bite.
Honey! This one here on my back --
Phil! A wild dog took my laptop!, I was hit by a tram in Melbourne.
Seems like a missed opportunity. This right here --
Honey, if you want to work, just say so. That's an irregular mole.
No! It happened! It just happened! Should probably get that checked out.
I didn't see anything. Point is -- Australia is nice to tourists,
I didn't see you get hit in the face by a but it's tough on its own people.
kangaroo, Congratulations, mate.
but I believe you. You're one of us.
Come on! Help me get it! Are you saying what I think you're saying?
No! You're on your own! I think I am.
Like I've been this whole trip! I'm Crocodile Dunphy?
For god's sakes! That's...not what I was saying at all.
Gloria, stop! Let me explain! Is that a kookaburra, which are born blind,
Fine -- but the explanation better not be or --
that this is an important account and Mom?
you're on a deadline There you are.
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Dad, the laptop is gone.
Oh. Well, I'm gonna need a minute to think. We've got to get back to the hotel right
I did not leave Joe, fly across the world, now.
to see you spend all your time working! It's still fresh in my mind.
You're missing the whole vacation! I think I can just piece it together --
Not the first wife to tell me that. Claire.
So how many wives need to say it before you Let it go.
listen? What? No!
What's that? I-I poured my heart into this.
I'm not gonna tell you. And don't you want to stick it to Earl?
If you were here, you would know what that Doesn't matter.
is. Go be with your family.
I don't know what that was. Remember when you were a kid?

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-【904】-
 Modern.Family.S05E20
We'd take the family trips? Hey, guys. Just saying hi.
I'd disappear for days to work. 'scuse me.
Don't be me. I don't think he belongs up here.
I feel like I'm letting you down.
What are you talking about?
I finally get to spend a little vacation
time with my daughter.
Yeah.
What is that?
Lily! We're here!
Daddies love you!
Daddies!
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, this place is beautiful!
That's our bus! Time to go!
What do you mean?
- Who are these guys? - Who's this guy?
Honey, I am so sorry.
From now on, I am all yours.
I promise -- whatever you want to do.
Phil, this is not what I had in mind.
You're doing great, honey.
What is a bridge?
It's a connecter, a supporter,
and sometimes, it's a metaphor for the love
--
- Oh, my gosh! Stop!! - Come on!
Hello, from the Great Barrier Reef!
That was awesome!
Yes!
Thank you for choosing to fly Qantas
on our nonstop flight from Australia to Los
Angeles.
I feel a little guilty sitting up here
without the family.
- I don't. - Me, either.
Don't you think it's a little rude
that they're sitting up there?
I would never do that.
Boy, you tense up fast after a vacation.
I swear, that's Hugh Jackman up there.
I saw him when we boarded.
I don't think it's him.
Oh, well, I'm gonna go find out.
Cam, no. Cam, come on.
Let him go, or none of us will get any sleep.

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-【905】-

Modern.Family.S05E21
Yeah, honey, Mitchell helped me
pick up the shirt. You're gonna love it.
Oh, I wish I could pick you up some lip gloss
but we are already at the car.
Okay, bye, honey.
Getting pretty good, huh?
Yeah, but you were always good.
I'm just glad you stuck with it.
Seriously?
What?
It's playing itself.
I didn't know.
You honestly thought that I just became a
piano virtuoso, dad?
You knew my whole life.
Have you ever seen me take a lesson?
I thought maybe you were self-taught.
Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.
- Like when I taught myself to play the
clarinet. - Exactly.
I never played the clarinet.
Can we drop it?
Let's go get an ice cream.
What about my lactose intolerance?
Oh, I'm not loving this game.
This sucks.
My teacher gave me mononucleosis.,
As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.
Slow down. It's not like she gets that many
tugs on the line.
It's for A.P. Bio.
We have to write a report about a disease,
and I got the worst one. This is a joke.
Actually, it's pretty serious.
Back in college, I caught mono
from my roommate, Ling.
Served us right for fooling around.
Never share a flute, kids.
Hey, can you drop me off at the library?
Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that
coffee shop on lake.
You mean the one next to the library?
That's a library?
I thought it was a church
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【906】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
for a religion that didn't allow makeup.
When is the washing machine gonna get
fixed?
I'm wearing a swimsuit underneath my pants.
Everybody's gonna have clean clothes soon.
The repair guy's supposed to come today
between 10:00 and 2:00.
Oh! Honey, can you be here for that?
Can I sit around in an empty house and wait
for someone?
Baby, I'm a realtor.
I have a license for that.
You sure you don't mind?
Go. Run your errands.
It'll give me a chance to get started on
these dishes.
Oh, good. All right, come on, Luke.
All right. See you guys later.
Oh. More dishes than I thought.
That lasagna's gonna be a tough one.
Somebody's gonna need a scrub brush.
Hello?
What?
No...way!
June 10, 1988.
Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon
frolicking at the public pool.
Later, at her house, things got private
while a 45 of Carly Simon's
"Nobody does it better" played.
It was my first time, her first time...
with me.
I always thought it'd be fun to own that
45.
When the record store finally called that
morning,
I ran right down so I wouldn't miss the
repairman.
I had to have it.
It was the chance to relive
those magical 3 minutes and 42 seconds,
which was also the length of the song.
But then it dawned on me --
I was cheating on my wife
with the red-hot memory of another woman.
I could not let Claire find out.

I had to destroy the evidence.
Luckily, I'm cool under pressure.
What?! No!
When did he...?
Come on!
There were a couple of snags,
but I think I covered my tracks pretty well.
I'm so sorry it took so long to get you these
clothes.
I left them in the back of my car
and completely forgot about them.
Sounds familiar.
I was in the pharmacy for three minutes.
You had a cracked window and a juice box.
Let's retire that story.
Can I wear this for the family photo?
Oh, honey, that's adorable, but, you know,
Gloria wants us in jeans and a black T-shirt
--
Classic and casual.
And then maybe afterwards, we can stop by
and change the scenery in a high-school
play.
That is a really cute dress.
Oh, yeah, thank you. Just got it yesterday.
Really?
It reminds me of something I gave you six
months ago.
Do you ever put her in the girls'
hand-me-downs?
- Oh, yeah. All the time. - Really?
Because if my girls' old clothes aren't to
your taste,
I could always just... give them to
somebody else!
Okay, calm down, Claire.
Your voice is getting to that pitch that
disturbs our cat.
Oh, my God.
You will not believe what dad just said.
So, we're at the mall, right?
And there's a piano there. I sit down behind
it.
- I start... - Come on, Mitchell.
He's just not wired for compliments.
I'm sure your playing was great.
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-【907】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
I don't play the piano. I've never taken
a lesson.
- Are you sure? - Oh, my god.
My own family doesn't even know me.
Mitchell, please. Don't be so sensitive.
You don't see me pitching a fit
because Cam is too much of a snob
to use our hand-me-downs.
Sn-- I'm sorry -- snob?
I will have you know I come from simple farm
folk.
There is permanent dirt underneath
these fingernails from working the soil.
Really?
I had no idea that re-potting your orchids
counted as "Working the soil."
Okay, they're in soil, are--
You know what? I don't want to talk about
this.
I don't need to listen to this.
I'm gonna go out and get some air.
I know the feeling.
Retire it. Seriously.
Does Joe look a little pale to you?
This whole country looks pale to me.
I think he needs a little color for
tonight's photograph.
What do you think is the minimum age for
a spray tanning?
Now that Joe is here
and that his head is finally normal-shaped,
I decided to take a new family portrait.
Hola!
How did it go at the mall?
Bought a shirt, angered my son --
another successful outing.
Ooh. I've been wanting to do this.
Quick -- what's the ring around an angel's
head?
- What? - Halo!
You did the angel one!
Ordinarily, I'd be delighted,
but this isn't gonna be one of our fun
chats.
You mean like that time you called me
when you saw that blimp?

It was so low, they waved back.
I'd done a pretty good job
eliminating all traces of that record,
but there was still one loose end.
You know, earlier today,
when we ran into each other on the street?
I didn't see you. You didn't see me.
Okay, so you're saying
whatever either one of us might have been
doing
will remain forever --
I didn't see you. You didn't see me.
Just to be c-- hello?
Jay's so cool. He gets it.
I didn't know what he was talking about,
but I needed him to keep his trap shut.
You see, lately, I may have been dabbling
in something that... strong, virile men
like me
aren't supposed to be dabbling in.
And it wouldn't exactly fit my image
if people found out I was considering
entering...
a certain adorable dog in a dog show.
Gloria thought I was out getting my tires
rotated.
Actually, I was buying Stella a decorative
show collar --
you know, just in case.
I figure if she looks beautiful,
she'll feel beautiful.
Guess who we ran into at the library.
How would I know? I was here the whole time.
Sanjay Patel. He's got Crohn's disease.
- No! - I know. So lucky.
He's totally going to win that science
scholarship.
He should use it to find a cure for
baldness,
'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.
That's it!
I'm just gonna pick a new topic.
I want a disease that everyone in the school
is going to talk about.
All right!
Why are you standing there?
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【908】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
'Cause I missed you. I love you so much.
Oh, wow. Love you, too.
How'd it go with the repair guy?
The repair guy came, but I missed him.
"Why? What were you doing?"
"Listening to a record."
"What record?" "It's not important."
"Phil!"
"The soundtrack to my first sexual
experience
that I think about from time to time.
Honey, where are you going?! Don't take the
kids!"
He didn't show up.
What?! That is so annoying!
I know. Put away your groceries.
I'll call him and reschedule.
No, no, no, no, no. You are too nice.
I am calling.
I am not resting till I get to the bottom
of this.
It's no big deal.
It's not the first time I've been stood up
by some guy.
Oh, listen to your words, Phil.
Yep. Yep.
She called me a snob, Mitchell.
I'm -- oh, I'm sorry if I don't rush
to throw Lily in every bargain-bin rag
Claire tosses our way.
You're not really shedding the "Snob" tag
with that.
Look, why don't we just put Lily
in one of Alex's shirts for the picture
tonight?
She'll see right through that.
No, you're thinking of Haley's shirts.
No, I mean it'll look ke we're doing it
just because she brought it up.
Well, I know. That's why I'm looking for
a photo
of Lily in a hand-me-down to show Claire,
but I-I can't seem to find one.
By the way, I'm barely in any of these.
Mitchell, are you suggesting what I think
you're suggesting?

Yes! Sometimes I feel like this family
looks right past --
You're suggesting that we stage a
photograph.
Put Lily in some hand-me-downs.
Make it look like it's from the past --
Christmas, say -- just to prove Claire
wrong.
Simplicity itself.
That's not remotely what I'm saying --
Mitchell, don't second-guess yourself.
It's simplicity itself.
Yes, once again, I would like to speak to
a supervisor.
Listen, if my husband said nobody came,
nobody came.
Dad, it's your move.
No, I think I should just play it cool for
now.
I'm so sorry.
Score!
I got a disease that's rare and fun
-- narcolepsy.
The company swears that the driver was here
at 10:00.
They're putting him through to me right
now.
I'm gonna chip away at his story.
Let's see how you get out of this.
I'm thinking.
It's a neurological condition
where people under extreme stress actually
fall asleep.
It's like a way for the brain to escape.
I bet he was doing something he shouldn't
have.
I'm just gonna let him keep talking till
he makes a mistake.
Everybody makes mistakes.
And the noose tightens.
Why were my headphones in the couch?
Oh, good. You do keep GPS logs on all your
drivers.
There's no way out.
Let me just write down your name.
Hey, does anybody need a receipt from
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【909】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
Flipside Records?
Damn it!
I didn't even see that!
I see you're registered for tonight's show.
First one, huh?
Yeah.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable
with that whole prancing-in-a-circle thing
in front of everybody.
Can someone else run her through her
routine?
It has to be the owner.
I suppose that's the best. We have a
rapport.
All right. See you at 5:00.
Uh, I got a family thing at 5:00.
Do these things tend to start on time?
Of course. It's not a cat show.
Well, I better speed it along. Come on.
I can't believe mom made me take you here.
This is my only black shirt,
and mom needs me to wash it.
It's only when I see the less fortunate
that I realize how lucky my clothes are.
All the machines are taken. We're gonna
have to wait.
Oh, I am not spending any more time
in fluorescent lighting than I have to.
You're gonna sneak your shirt in with
someone else's load --
Like that guy's. Go that way.
I'll distract him.
Excuse me.
Haley?
Oh, my god. Kevin.
It's "Keith."
You really don't remember
the guy you abandoned at Coachella?
I didn't abandon you. I-I texted you.
That deejay put me in a trance.
Yeah. It's -- it's almost
like you were using me for tickets.
Oh. That's crazy.
Can you get those again?
Or was that just, like, a one-time thing
with your uncle?

It was a one-time thing.
Okay, so, good seeing you.
Yeah.
- Remind me never to date you. - You wish.
Please. I could totally get you.
Like to see you try.
All right, Lily, can you come in here,
please?
It's Christmas already?
Probably should have prepped her.
Okay, no, it's not actually Christmas.
We're just gonna take a fun photo.
Which I am going to be in because I am a
member of the --
Where is my stocking?
Oh, relax.
It's not in the shot, and neither are you.
Here -- I want you to take the picture from
right over here.
This way. Okay, great.
Lily, I want you to put this on
and then stand in front of the tree, and
we'll pop a shot off.
Ooh! Look at all the pretty presents!
Those are just empty boxes.
You're killing me!
I don't know which one it is!
I didn't see him put it in!
Wait! I think I found it.
He's coming!
What?! No!
What are you doing?
Uh, I-I saw that your laundry was done,
and I was gonna fold it for you to make us
even
for what you thought that I did that I
didn't do.
Even?
I held your popcorn for eight hours
waiting for you to come back.
I walked all the parking areas twice,
checked every medical tent.
By the time I got back to my car,
it had been broken into and the battery was
gone.
I had to trade my festival pass
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【910】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
for a ride home in a horse trailer.
But...
Looks like someone got a concert t-shirt.
Dad, is there anything bothering you
that might be causing -- I don't know --
major psychological stress?
No. I've been acting normally, haven't I?
Did something happen earlier today?
Uh, nothing at all.
Because you seem a little tense.
What? No, I don't! Stop badgering me!
I love your mom! Let's listen to some music.
Boy, the way you cook things up sometimes,
it's a little --
- Dad! - What?!
You fell asleep!
It's like the fifth time today.
I think it has something to do with that
guy
not showing up to fix the washing machine.
Well, that's not exactly what happened.
You snuck out to buy
"Nobody Does It Better" from Flipside
Records,
and he showed up?
That's more exactly what happened.
How do you know all this?
I've been watching you all day.
I think the guilt from that has been causing
you to fall asleep.
So you know about Carla?
I do now.
- Dad! - What is happening?!
I was skeptical about the jeans and
t-shirt,
but I like it.
Any chance the photographer could fire off
a couple solo shots?
Look at the bottom of Joe's face.
What happened? Did you leave him in the sun?
No, I took him out for five minutes
to give him a little color.
I must have not closed the visor all the
way down.
Why is it so important to you that he has
color?

Because we're sending this picture
to our family in Colombia,
and I have a son that doesn't even look
Colombian.
Now they're gonna look at this picture,
and they're gonna think that I am a terrible
mother,
that I can't even take care of my own child.
I think your reputation is set.
I can still do this with my arm
'cause I slept in the sink till I was 3.
Ha-lo!
People are here. I'll deal with Joe.
- Okay. - Come on, buddy.
Ohh. Come on.
Hola. Claire is on her way.
Dad, you have to confess to mom.
Clearing your conscience is the only way
to make this stop.
Really?
I hope so, or else I have to rewrite the
whole end of my paper.
Just the two of you? Where's the rest?
I had hoped to get this picture thing
wrapped up by 5:00!
They're all coming separately.
Cam, do me a favor -- call Mitchell and
light a fire under him.
I'm right here, dad.
Oh. Good. I didn't see you come in.
You opened the door for me.
You thanked me for bringing a bottle of
Chardonnay.
Doesn't sound like me.
Hey, guys. We're here.
Finally. Let's do this.
Luke, where's your black shirt?
Right here. I'll get changed.
All right. Shake a leg.
- Hey, sweetie. - Hi!
Hey, Lily, be careful.
Don't get anything on that beautiful
outfit.
Recognize it? Look familiar?
Yes, I do, but I hardly think
that putting her in one of Alex's
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【911】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
hand-me-downs
proves anything after I pitched a fit.
Well, first of all, I think it's really
healthy
that you do admit it was a fit.
But if you need further proof,
I'm sure I could find a photograph over
here.
Sure. Go ahead.
No me.
No me.
No me.
Ah. There we are.Christmas morning last
year.
Oh, my god.
Oh, it's Alex's old pajamas!
I'm so sorry. I owe you an apology.
Sometimes I can be really --
What's that?
Uh, the calendar opened to december,
the half-eaten cookies for Santa Claus,
the nibbled-on carrots for reindeer? I
don't know.
No, that looks like last month's Vanity
Fair.
Oh, well, you know, every month's "Young
hollywood."
Mm, and didn't Lily just lose that tooth?
Nope, it's still there. It's just dirty.
Christmas-morning chocolates.
Uh, and I am quite sure that's a reflection
of Mitchell
in the clothes he was wearing this morning.
Oh, yay, I finally made it into a picture.
Just couldn't change, could you?
You are a snob.
- Okay, you know what... - You're a snob.
...it hardly takes a snob to recognize
- the clothes you put your children in...
- Snob!
are uninspired at best.
- Claire,Cam, enough! - Oh, really?!
Everybody in this family has good taste.
It's just different.
It's causing too many fights.
That's why today I just put everybody

in a simple T-shirt-and-jeans outfit.
Mm. There's a new rule from now on --
nobody gives clothes to anyone else's
children.
Well, I think that's probably for the best.
Thank god I don't have to spend one more
of Joe's birthdays
with a funny smile on my face.
Thank you, Cam. He loves it.
Twinsies!
Okay, everybody, it's picture time.
Where's Luke?
Right here.
Honey, what are you wearing? Is that a
girl's shirt?
I guess I grabbed the wrong one from the
laundromat.
If I'm being honest, I don't hate the way
it fits.
It must be that guy's girlfriend's shirt.
Is it bad that that makes him
more interesting to me?
Yes. Stay away.
Don't worry about Luke. We'll stick him in
the back row.
Not everyone can look their best in the
picture.
Joe's ready.
What did you do to him?
You want him to look more Colombian.
What's more Colombian than the Colombian
flag?
He's perfect.
Not a banner day for my male heirs.
Claire, you're in the back.
Phil, you're behind Claire. No rabbit ears.
I don't want you messing around behind
Claire's back.
Cameron, Lily, come on in.
It's picture time.
Honey.
There's something I need to tell you.
Uh, you know how you can treasure
special moments in your past
that in no way diminish the special moments
in your present?
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【912】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
Yeah, sweetheart, it's called having a
memory.
Okay, I wouldn't mind a friendlier tone as
I move through this.
What did you do?
Up, up, up, up, ah!
No, that's the wrong way, sweetheart.
What fell out of Lily's pocket?
Is that a diamond ring?
Huh. That'll go great with your shirt.
It looks real.
It is real.
A small occlusion, but very good color.
This is Claire's.
No.
Claire's got her's on.
Ay, Phil, please, you cannot tell the
difference
between this beautiful, but a small,
diamond
and that chunk of glass
that should have made her finger fall off
weeks ago.
I feel like I am getting you in trouble.
Picture time!
What's happening?
Okay, don't be mad.
Um, I lost my real ring a few months ago,
and I just realized it must have fallen
in the box of clothes I gave to Lily.
Why'd you take it off?
Well, I got pulled over,
and I wanted to flirt my way out of the
ticket
by pretending I was single
And it worked, and I kind of liked it.
And then I felt so guilty about liking it
that I just wanted to erase the whole thing.
So you lied?
Yes. I lied. I'm sorry.
Does that make me a terrible person?
No, no. Are you kidding me?
We've been married for a long time.
Of course we're gonna have our little
secrets.
The important thing...

...is that we know the difference
between a harmless indulgence...
and a real indiscreet--
Gloria?
- Left. - Thank you.
Okay, it's picture time!
Everybody, hury up.
Get in your positions.
All right?
All right, I think that everyone is here.
Okay, ready?
And smile!
Are you kidding me?
Nobody noticed I wasn't here.
What does it take with you people?!
Ay, Joe, my baby, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, maybe -- maybe that -- that's
what it takes
for you to pay attention to me --
Throw a temper tantrum like -- like Joe.
I could just throw a big...temper tantrum
that --
Or if I make a mess of everything and...
I feel like that was aimed at me.
You want to talk about it?
Or I could just play some piano.
So I'm in the ballpark.
Look.
If it seems sometimes like we don't notice
you,
maybe that is because we are focused...
...on our own stupid problems,
And you're so steady.
Oh, you mean boring.
- No. - Yeah.
Calm.
Because you live your life
the way you want to.
In fact, you inspired me recently.
Oh, how so?
Fine.
I've been going through this thing lately.
It all started when I noticed
a group of guys in the corner in the park.
And, uh, honestly, when I first found out
what they were doing,
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【913】-
Modern.Family.S05E21
I thought it was kind of weird,
but I found I kept thinking about it.
And I thought I'd give it a whirl.
Ok-- okay. Go on.
I think you know where I'm going with this,
but one of the older guys showed me the
ropes.
Next thing I know,
I'm hanging out at that park in that corner
every day
and loving it.
But I must have also got some shame about
it
because it feels good
when I'm doing it, but...
Is that me now?
A guy with a show dog.
There it is!
Okay, see, I-I knew what it wasn't.
I just wasn't sure what it was.
In fact, there's a show right now,
But...ah, I'm not gonna go.
No, no. D--
- I could tell this is important to you.
- No.
You -- you should go. You should go.
I don't want to sneak out,
and I don't want people to know about it.
Dad.
A wise man once told me,
"I don't get it,
but if that's who you are,
Don't you dare be ashamed of it."
I did handle that kind of well.
Yeah, yeah, well...
And it wasn't easy.
I just never pictured my kid a lawyer.
It's scary to let people see the real you,
even when those people are your own family.
But aren't they the ones we should be least
worried about,
the ones who will love us without judging,
who forgive our faults
and celebrate our imperfections?
Maybe even encourage us
to let our true selves shine through?
 Modern.Family.S05E21
Wait, wait. Hang on. Wait, wait.
Okay.
I think you look beautiful.
I look old.
All my cousins are going to see this.
Click the button that makes my wrinkles go
away.
- What happened? - Nothing.
It's not nothing. You're limping!
Were you trying to do the Russian dance
again?
It was just something stupid I was trying
out,
and I don't even know why,
since it's basically impossible.
Gloria. Gloria! Check it out.
Is this not the cutest thing you've ever
seen?
She did that on her first try.
He loves it, too.
Oh, oh, sure. Rub it in, Joe.
Attagirl!
Here she comes this way!
Now she is just showing off.
Both way.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【914】-

Modern.Family.S05E22
Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again.
Jay, check out this cartoon.
Does it have a talking dog?
- No, it's a commentary on... - I'm out.
Here you go,
one of my best efforts.
Have at it.
Mm, I can't eat that.
- Why not? - The pickle's touching it.
There.
The juice got on the bread and, ew, what's
that stuff?
Spices.
They look like sea monkeys.
Have you ever really examine a jar of
pickles, Jay?
It's like a swamp there. I'll pass.
What happened?
I made him a beautiful sandwich and he won't
eat it.
Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.
Joe is taking a nap.
I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.
Well, if you're passing a sushi restaurant
--
She's not.
I've never heard of anyone not liking
pickles.
Aw, big day for you, then.
I'm just gonna make myself a grilled
cheese.
I think I saw some Gruye in there.
Do we have any fig?
Sit down.
This whole persnickety thing is not gonna
fly in the world.
Never hand people another reason to make
fun of you.
You mean like all the cool kids
with their leather jackets and their
pickles?
Well, you're gonna sit there
until you at least try a pickle.
You're drunk with power.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【915】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
You got that right.
- Oh, no. - What?
The Tonys are coming.
Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you
watching them --
You're already so angry.
Not that Tonys --
Anthony Lamarque, botox Tony.
They're coming to the wedding.
But, seriously, another revival of
"Anything Goes"?
Are we really doing this again?
I'm surprised that they're coming,
because when I mentioned the wedding to
Tony,
he seemed completely disinterested --
Oh, the botox.
Oh, no.
Your cousin Pete, all of his kids.
Everyone's accepting, Mitchell!
We haven't even gotten the list from my dad
yet.
And your dad's friends drink like soldiers.
Because they were soldiers.
I mean, I am grateful for their service,
but we are not gonna be able to afford this
wedding.
Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few
things.
Like what?
Uh, the centerpieces?
Why even have a wedding?
I don't know, Cam.
Because we love and respect each other
and we're raising a child together?
Do you want to help or not?
Maybe we could send un-vitations.
Is that a thing?
We've already made a lot of people angry
by just being able to get married.
Let's not alienate the ones on our side.
All right. Maybe we could sell something.
We're thousands over budget.
It would have to be something great.
Here, you can sell my diamond ring.
Oh, honey, that's candy.

I'm gonna kill that Jackson!
I do have something of value --
A "Spider-man versus doctor octopus" comic
book.
Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition.
It's worth 5 grand.
I traded a football for it when I was 9 years
old,
and my dad was mad
because the football was signed by Dan
Marino.
I said, "Get it signed by Rita Moreno, and
I'll keep it."
Oh, no.
My nephews are flying in from Tulsa
-- the big ones.
The pie eaters?
That's it. I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
This here is a belt buckle once worn
by the great Wyatt Earp.
My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years
old,
and he said,"Son, this will keep the bad
guys away."
In my early 20s, I wore it to
a Cowboys-and-Indians disco party.
And let's just say it didn't.
No. I can't let you do that.
That means the world to you.
Cam, I will sell my "Spider-man."
Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned
by a legend of the old west.
I don't think your comic book
would even cover our balloon budget.
Well, that's very offens--
Wait. What's the balloon budget?
Hey, mom, can we put this stuff somewhere
else?
It's cluttering up my room.
What is it?
Oh, just some mementos of mine.
A few of your dad's.
- Oh, Zima! - Yeah.
What's Zima?
Just a party in a bottle.
Man, that reminds me of some wild times.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【916】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn
before me and my buddies snuck some "Z"
into "Sleepless in Seattle."
I wish you'd covered my ears for that.
Ooh, mom. Who's this hottie with his arm
around you?
Cute!
Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.
Why'd you break up with him? For dad?
Let's just say he took his eye
off the ball and struck out.
So I stepped up to the plate
and nailed her in the cheap seats.
Yeah, let's not say that.
Well, I'm off.
Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug
store.
Do you need anything?
No, thank you, my dear.
The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I
need.
Except for, uh, foot spray.
Could you grab me some of that?
Sure.
Oh, wow, mom!
What a dork, right?
What were you thinking?
It was comfortable. My dad didn't approve.
Enough said.
I know it's hard to believe,
but I was actually a bit of a nerd back in
the day.
And it was suggested that I was out of my
league
when I landed Claire.
By Jay, mostly.
And my friends. A-and my parents.
And Claire.
What's this?
Oh, my gosh.
That is your father's answering machine
from college.
God, I sometimes forget how old you guys
are.
You've reached Phil's world!
Party time! Excellent!

He's so cute.
Hi, Phil. This is Mitchell,
uh, Pritchett, Claire's brother.
I just wanted to thank you for setting me
up with your cousin.
She was very nice.
The only problem is she lives kinda far,
so...
That's the only problem?
Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling.
Grab your rollerblades
and meet us at the bike path, playa!
But I got to be done by 3:00,
'cause today's the day I fly my new
helicopter.
Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um...
I need to tell you something,
and I don't want to do it on your machine.
It's really important --
- Oh, no, no, no. - You know, life-and-death
important.
Come on. Come on.
Not death, um, just life.
I mean... I just -- oh, hell, I'm pregnant!
Oh, sweet newlyweds!
Don't worry. You don't have to marry me or
anything.
Let's talk as soon as you can.
Why weren't we more careful?
Stupid Duran Duran concert.
All right!
That's enough.
I was conceived at a Duran Duran concert?
Classy start to a classy life.
You were not conceived at the concert.
It was after the concert.
Oh, wha-- in the car?!
It was a very nice car.
Listen, I am done. Stop snooping. I'm
going.
The seats folded all the way back.
Oh, images.
I can't believe they kept it.
I have a name.
The answering machine.
You know, we could have some fun with this.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【917】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
I'm home!
Hi, mom.
Manny, what are you doing sitting in front
of a pickle?
Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.
Why do you torture him like this?
'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria.
This is good for him.
He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he
likes it,
he'll try more things.
This is good parenting.
This is not going to play well in my memoir.
You know, you're one to talk.
How many times have I asked you
to try my mother's blood sausages?
Totally different. That's disgusting.
How do you know it's disgusting if you've
never tried it?
You've never tried grandma's delicious
blood sausage
that's right there in the freezer?
Oh, you're right.
We do have some left over.
Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet?
Okay, Mr. Father of the year,
time for you to show Manny that you're not
a hypocrite.
Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.
You know, you could've said --
"A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.,
Hello.
Hi. Can I help you?
Uh, yes.
Um, I have something pretty special
that means the world to me,
yet I gladly part with it
to prove my love for my fiance
- Cam, you don't have to... - I do.
This is a belt buckle that was once owned
by the legendary Wyatt Earp.
And when my grandfather gave it to me, and
rest his soul,
he said”son, this year is a
Are you ok?
I can't be here for this. You do it.

And get a price on that divine lamp.
Um, anyway...
Look, I didn't want to say anything
in front of your fiance
but this is a cheap replica
given away by a gas-station chain in the
'60s.
There's tons of them out there.
It's worth about 20 bucks.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure.
That family loves to dress up a story.
And a pig.
Well, how about a first-edition number 3
"Spider-man versus doctor octopus" in
near-mint condition?
Keep talking.
That...
Uh, uh, that's pretty much it.
Why isn't she calling?
Aren't you the doubter?
She'll call in three...
two-o-o-o...
One! One's next!
Yeah.
Press record.
Hi, mom.
Haley, honey,
did you mean to send this text to your dad?
Text? What does it say?
"I hate to spoil your golf game, but..."
Uh, no, no. I-I didn't send that.
Must have accidentally dictated
when you and dad were talking.
Okay. That's weird.
Well, while I have you on the phone,
would you mind emptying the dishwasher and
doing --
Oh, you're breaking up.
Haley, can you hear me now?
Nope. Bye.
- Got it. - Told you we'd get it.
Now just for a little creative editing...
Your mind is so brilliant.
If you put this much effort into your
schoolwork,
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【918】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
there is no telling the things you could
--
Why do you have to ruin everything?
I know, she's always talking about my
potential.
Fore!
Do you think I hit her?
Nah, she's fine.
Sorry I'm so distracted today.
What's wrong, buddy?
Let me ask you something.
Do -- do you ever get the sense
that your wife feels like she could have
done better?
God, no. Nah, she's the luckiest woman on
earth.
I mean, if anything, I could've done
better.
The noises that come out of that woman at
night?
It's like she's that black guy from "Police
Academy."
Oh, speak of the devil.
Message from my wife,
not the black guy from "Police Academy."
Oh, that'd be so awesome.
That would be neat.
Phil? Hey, it's Claire.
Um, I hate to spoil your golf game, but...
I'm pregnant!
What?
Let's talk as soon as you can.
I have to leave.
What? We're in the middle of a game.
I have to be with Claire!
Oh -- my clubs!
My hat!
My sandwich!
I'm sorry I freaked out in there.
How -- how much did we get for it?
You know, here. I couldn't do it.
What? No.
This belt buckle means so much to you.
I'm just gonna -- I am going to sell my comic
book instead.
Oh, Mitchell, that is so sweet. You know

--
The idea of me parting ways with a belt
buckle
that my grandfather arm-wrestled Wyatt
Earp for --
He arm-wrestled him?
Oh, yeah, but not in a contentious way.
You know, they were friends.
My grandfather saved his life during a
train robbery.
A -- a train robbery? That's -- wow.
Cam, wow!
They had a real bond.
The great Wyatt Earp and honest Abe Tucker.
I have it, I'll store it,
and if I need to, I will use it.
You know what? I quit.
Pardon me for trying to broaden his
horizons.
No, no, no. You're not quitting anything.
You're going to eat your sausage,
and you're going to eat your pickle.
I am tired of every day cooking two
different meals.
No tomatoes. White meat only. Extra bacon.
He gets extra bacon? What the hell?
Today is the day you two are stopping this
silliness!
Fine, we'll all conquer something today.
What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.
- Pet Stella's belly. - What?
You won't touch Stella's belly.
Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing
ever.
Has like 30 nipples.
I'll eat the blood sausage,
Manny eats the pickles,
you pet her belly.
I'd rather eat the dog.
Don't be a hypocrite.
Nice and long, like you mean it.
I want to see that leg shake.
- Let me get these! - What's happening?
- I'm just so happy! - Really?
Oh, did you finally get a hole in one?
A hole in one.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【919】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
I hope our baby has your sense of humor.
- Our what? - Why didn't I see it?
The drug store, the bloated ankles,
you've been so moody lately...
What are you talking about?
There it is.
Phil, I am not pregnant.
- You're not? - No.
Well, why'd you leave me that message?
Didn't leave you a message.
Are you sure? You're very forgetful when
you're pregnant.
I think I would remember!
Then why have you been so moody?
Maybe because you just told me I have giant
ankles!
Shh, I don't want him to hear us fight like
this.
Give me this.
Okay. This is gonna be good for everybody,
So let's get it over with.
- Fine. - Okay.
We'll go on the count of three.
One...
Two...
Three.
Uh! Oh, no!
I'm gonna throw up!
Why so moist, Jay?! Why?!
Is this a bad time?
Sorry to barge in here like this.
I guess it's weird that, uh, I'm still
storing stuff here.
I just wish you would have come in sooner
before I went to second base with Stella.
All right, I'll be two minutes.
If you need money for the wedding,
why sell something that you love?
Why don't you just ask Jay?
No. No. No. No.
Why not? He's your father.
I don't feel right asking my dad for money,
okay?
I'm an adult, and I have my comic book.
I hate to spoil your golf game, but...
I'm pregnant!

Let's talk as soon as you can.
Oh, they are good.
I can't believe they pulled such an
elaborate stunt.
I don't know whether to be angry or
impressed.
It's so diabolical.
I don't know where they get that...
Wait. Wait. Wait.
We could really have some fun with this.
You know, it's funny,
I never saw you as a comic-book guy.
Oh, no, I wasn't, but I don't know.
Spider-man --
He -- he spoke to me.
I -- I think it's because it's about this
nerdy kid
who has this special secret side of himself
that he can't share with anybody, and --
And that's how I always felt.
Spider-man made me feel like it was okay
to be different.
And...it made me feel tough enough to --
to get through the rough times.
Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet.
I didn't know that.
Are you sure you want to sell it?
Yes, yes.
Because, like Spider-man, I am brave and
strong.
- Oh! Spider web! Spider web! - Mitchell.
It's in my mouth.
- Oh, Mitchell! - What?! Oh!
No! No! Oh, no!
Give me a break, Phil!
What do you want from me?!
- Shh! - I didn't say anything.
A little compassion when you thought I was
pregnant
would have been nice!
I'm sorry. It was a knee-jerk reaction.
You got that half right!
Well, you're not pregnant, anyway, so who
cares?!
And what did I say that was so terrible?!
Well, I believe your exact words were,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【920】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
"Great, another kid that we could screw
up.”
Oh, I'm sorry. But we both know that's true.
Wait. Are you saying we never should have
them in the first place.
Like you never said that!
This is awful.
This is what you thought gonna happen?
I didn't think that far ahead.
I never do. You know that.
You should've stopped me!
You said this was going to be fun!
Nobody is having fun!
Careful?! Please, Phil!
If you hadn't gotten me pregnant,
I never would have married you!
I would have married Bobby Nash!
- You would?! - Oh, yeah!
And right now, I would be on my 100-acre
ranch in Aspen
with my strapping 6'4" hedge-fund husband!
You really wish you'd married Bobby?
Oh, every single day!
No, Phil.
Dad, are you okay?
Yep.
That's what I am to everyone around here.
- Mom... - Just "Okay."
- Phil! - Hey, mom?
- Not now. - Phil!
You guys hear that? We totally got them!
Quick! We need a blow dryer!
Is this some sort of gay emergency?
No, dad, it's not a gay emergency!
It's my comic book.
We need to -- ohh, god!
It's ruined.
Mitchell, it's okay.
It probably wasn't worth that much anyway.
It was worth $5,000! Your belt buckle is
garbage.
It came from a gas station!
Your grandfather never met Wyatt Earp!
I didn't hold on to that for quite as long
as I thought.
Hey, I'm sorry.

I -- I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.
No, it's -- it's okay.
I -- I kinda suspected the dates didn't line
up.
Now I'm starting to think that wasn't
Amelia Earhart's compass.,
I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can
help you two out.
No, no, no, no, no.
We want to do this on our own.
Can I ask you a question?
Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Well, because we're only getting married
once.
I'm just saying, why do you need to make
into a spectacle?
A s-- a spectacle?
This could be the universe's way of telling
you
to bring it down a notch.
Invite your family, your friend Pepper,
and, what's his name, the -- the -- the
flouncy one?
Uh, L'david.
I don't have a flouncy friend named L'david,
dad.
Do -- do you mean L'michael or J'marcus?
I'm not sure who you're referring to.
Whatever.
I'm just saying keep it small.
Why pay all that money for people you barely
know?
Oh, oh, you mean like any of your friends?
Oh, please, you don't want any of my friends
there.
Really? Because I've --
I've been asking for a list for months now.
So, so who doesn't want them there --
me or you?
Why are you getting upset?
Because, dad, if -- if this was Claire's
wedding,
you would be all over it.
You'd be wanting to have it at your club.
You'd be inviting all your friends.
Oh, please!
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【921】-
Modern.Family.S05E22
I wasn't that thrilled when Claire got
married, either.
"Either"? For god's sake, just stop
talking.
Everybody back off.
I don't think I'm out of line
suggesting my friends don't want to see
a father-son dance at a big gay wedding.
There is no father-son dance, dad.
I don't know what things go on there.
Do I walk you down the aisle?
Does someone throw a bouquet?
I mean, I'm just saying, I don't know
how this stuff plays out
with my guys from the club.
Oh, you mean the guys who sit around the
locker room
watching football naked?
No! No! See, this -- this isn't about them.
This is about you.
You are the one that's uncomfortable here.
Fine. I admit it.
This whole wedding thing is weird to me.
Now, see, why do you get to be you,
but I don't get to be me?
See, I didn't choose to be uncomfortable.
I was born this way.
Are you really throwing a gay anthem in our
face right now?
Oh, damn it. Give me some credit.
You know how far I've come.
I mean, what more do you want from me?
You know what, dad? Y-you do.
You do get to be you.
If -- if it really makes you that
uncomfortable, then...
don't come to the wedding.
Mitchell...
No! No, see? We're scaling back already.
Phil, honey...
What happened down there?
You attacked me.
In a fun way. We were both doing it.
I heard you this morning,
Talking about your super-cute boyfriend
Bobby,
 Modern.Family.S05E22
saying that I was the "Comfortable" choice, See? I told you they were gonna be fine.
that you only married me because your dad - Door lock! - Run!
hated it. Go! Go! Go! Go!
No, sweetheart. Hey, Phil, it's Mitchell, Claire's
I was not talking about you. brother.
I was explaining to the girls I heard about your and Claire's whole
about an outfit that I was wearing in a pregnancy situation,
picture And I'm -- I'm sorry my dad didn't have a
that was the comfortable choice better reaction.
that my dad hated. Don't take it personally.
Oh, honey. He's just like that.
You can't possibly think that's why I He'll -- he'll come around.
married you. And if not...
Okay, I -- I get it a-about your dad. His loss.
I -- I -- sometimes I do wonder, you know, Yeah, okay, anyway,
if you hadn't gotten pregnant... uh, now that we're gonna be family,
- would we even be here right now? - Yeah. it's -- it's probably a little weird for
Well, I wonder the same thing, too. me to date your cousin,
You do? so maybe you could ask her to stop paging
Yes. All the time. me?
Just last week, It's so crazy.
you and the kids were outside washing the I know. Uncle Mitchell with a pager.
car, No, Stella. Okay? No!
and you got in that soap battle Stella, I said no.
and everybody was running around laughing. You...
And I stood there at the kitchen window, Okay, but just this time, okay?
and I was thinking how lucky I am. And you keep your mouth shut about this.
'cause I would have missed all of this Who's there?
if I hadn't married you.
I knew you were watching.
That's why I dropped the sponge.
That's what got my attention in the first
place.
You really don't regret not marrying Bobby
Nash?
No.
He was cute, but he was boring.
He never once made me laugh.
You laugh at me all the time.
I do.
I liked how happy you were
when you thought I was pregnant.
Of course I was.
Do you think you could pick that up for me?
I don't know.
It's so far down here.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【922】-

Modern.Family.S05E23
Good morning, almost husband!
Good morning, almost...
Oh, calm down.
This can't be the first time
you woke up with another men in your
bedroom.
Happy wedding day!
What are you doing here?
You pay for a full-service wedding,
you get our full packages.
Oh, close, honey, so close.
- And we are crossing... - We're crossing
and trays down.
Napkin.
Relax. Enjoy.
The car will pick you up at 4:00
to whisk you away to your beautiful hilltop
wedding.
How's the weather?
I had a dream it rained on everyone.
Dry as a bone.
The only thing it will be raining tonight
is men.
We really need it.
Has anyone heard from Sal?
No.
And I will never understand
why you asked that boozy us-hag to
officiate your wedding.
We didn't exactly ask Sal.
Sal...
...we have something very important to talk
to you about.
Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open
to the idea --
Yes! I will totally officiate your wedding!
Oh, my drinks!
It was supposed to be an intervention.
Hey, best man.
Hello, blushing bride.
I feel like I should hate that more.
Yeah, I think I might go with "Best person."
Anyway, I'm just calling
to see how you're doing.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【923】-
Modern.Family.S05E23
I'm great.
Really?
I-I-- is this about mom again?
I told you -- I'm fine.
My mother can't come to the wedding.
She was at a yoga retreat,
and she fell out of a warrior pose,
and she broke her hip.
Should we consider the possibility
that someone pushed her?
Cam, please.
They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies
who spent two weeks in the rainforest with
my mother.
Of course someone pushed her.
I'm actually relieved she's not coming.
She's given me the gift
of a crazy-free wedding.
I know. I was just a little sad for you.
Mom's a no-show,
and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
Enough about Dad.
He doesn't get gay weddings,
and I don't get track suits as casualwear.
Can we please talk about something happy,
like my honeymoon in Mexico?
Oh, yeah, you're gonna want to take a look
at the weather channel.
Hilarious.
Love you.
Love you, too.
You're gonna get the gift today, right?
Don't we have a year to do that?
No, I have a husband to do that.
They fell in love with
this very specific turquoise Italian glass
bowl.
I looked everywhere, finally found one,
and we're not going to that wedding without
it.
Wait. I-I thought you were taking me to the
eye doctor.
They said I'm not supposed to drive myself
home.
No, no, no, no.
I'm picking up Luke from his wilderness
 Modern.Family.S05E23
trip. - Well, we better be going. - Yeah.
Alex can take you. Have a great spa day.
That's a bummer. Men don't have spa days.
Aww, dad, I'm touched. We're just going to the club, taking a
No, not because of you. I'd just rather pick steam,
up Luke. having a couple of rubdowns.
Than go to the eye doctor. Do they serve cucumber water at that place?
I-I love spending time with you. Sometimes they do a strawberry-basil mix.
Don't worry -- you're fun. - Merle? - Yes, ma'am?
My dad would never admit this, Be back in time for me to do your tie.
but when he wants fun, Uh, yes, ma'am.
he goes straight to Luke. I'm so sorry you had to see that.
They have a weird connection. See what?
They're like Batman and Robin. The way we just snapped at each other.
Dad and I are more like Are you joking?
Batman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Obviously, Merle and I are going through
Honey, don't be like that. a heck of a rough patch.
You're super fun! If I talked to Jay that nice,
You sure I can't get Luke? he would think I'm cheating on him.
I heard that! Mrs. P...
Let's do this! ...my darn taxi never came.
Hello. I'm gonna miss my flight.
Hey, mom. Gloria wants to know No.
if she can do your hair and makeup last I just --
after me and Cam's mom. I don't want to deal with this right now
It's fine. 'cause I'm already so scared of flying.
Something about Luke -- I've lost interest. I just hate everything about it --
Okay, love you. Bye! Except for the food.
Damn, this is the best cup of coffee I ever I don't understand how they get such bold
had. flavors
Manny roasts his own beans every friday out of that tiny kitchen.
night. Haley, can you drive Andy to the airport,
That kid's gonna be roasting his own beans please?
for a long time, She doesn't want to do that.
if you know what I mean. Aww, you get me.
Can I just say thank you again for letting Haley.
us stay here? I don't have a car. I got dropped off.
You have thanked us enough with that big I guess we can take my car.
bag of deer meat. That's settled. Go.
Hey, mom. Fine.
Can you see this? Okay.
What pimple? We really need to hurry.
I knew it. Relax. We'll get there.
I can't go looking like this. You just worry about
Weddings are where you meet girls. being strapped in a giant metal tube
Not at this one. 30,000 feet in the air.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【924】-

That's right -- I heard.
- Hey. - What?
I just thought of something.
What's going on with my hair today?
Daddy's going to do it up really pretty with
flowers.
Not you, right?
No, other daddy.
Oh, thank god.
Mitchell, this is not my tuxedo!
They gave me the wrong order!
And the fuchsia gown didn't tip you off?
I have like nine shirts this color.
I'm wearing a shirt this color.
Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.
We have plenty of time to go to the
dry-cleaner.
We knew that there would be a bump today,
and here it is. We're getting it done early.
This is our bump.
Okay, okay, so this is our bump.
I can't handle this.
We're getting married in five hours,
I don't have my perfectly tailored tux.
I can't just go buy something off the rack.
I'm not Cindy Crawford.
Why a woman?
I'm just wondering.
What are we gonna do?
We could eat.
We just need to get in touch with the owner.
Y-you, uh, you know his name, right?
It's...Aziz something? .
Oh, oh it's -- it's -- uh, no, it's A-Amir.
It's -- it's not amir, no.
Oh, no, it's, uh, Ahmad.
It's Achmed.
No. Oh, it's on the ticket.
Now I'm just feeling racist.
- What is it? - Here it is.
- It's... - Jerry.
- J-- oh, Jerry. - Amari.
Jerry Amari.
There you go.
Can you see better in here?
A little, but those drops are really
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【925】-
Modern.Family.S05E23
hanging on.
I'm like Han Solo right when he came out
of the carbonite.
Really? Nothing?
I get it. It's "Star Trek."
You're breaking my heart.
Save it for Luke. He'll love that.
Can we just get the gift and get out of here?
Right, but first things first.
Let's put on some funny hats,
act like they're not there,
and then walk around all serious.
What's the point of this?
That's good. You're nailing it.
Hey, honey.
How was the eye exam?
Great.
I can barely see.
I'm wearing giant sunglasses and a girly
hat.
Alex and I are having a blast.
But you got the gift, right?,
That's what people tell me.
Honey, the bowl.
I have the bowl.
It's beautiful.
I'll -- I'll see you at home.
Hey, here's a thought --
Now that you told mom you got the bowl,
how about we actually go get it?
Yes, no more fooling around.
Let's go get the bowl.
Oh, right after we find out our sleep
number.
There's my guy.
I thought dad was picking me up.
Oh. I missed you, too.
Come here.
So, did you have fun?
Yeah.
What was your favorite thing?
I don't remember.
It was yesterday.
Hot dogs. Can we go now?
Honey, I feel bad that you have to leave
early.

What are you missing today?
Boating.
Well, I mean, we have a little time.
You don't mind waiting in the car?
So, Cam tells me you and Mitch had a little
dust-up.
Yeah.
A couple of weeks ago.
That kid can hold a grudge.
A little uncomfortable about that wedding,
are you?
Well, you know what I'm feeling, right?
I'd like to think I've evolved on the
subject.
We got a couple of lesbo swans in the pond.
They seem pretty happy.
Hey, Jay.
Hey, Howard, Larry.
This is my, uh...
This is my friend Merle, and he's visiting
from Missouri.
Ooh, the "Show me" state.,
Don't say that in here!
So, what brings you to town, Merle?
Well, uh, my -- our --
Jay's and my...kids are getting married
today.
Congratulations.
Isn't that nice?
Father of the bride, father of the groom
taking a steam together the day of the
wedding.
Yeah, something like that.
The day my son got married -- piece of cake.
But the day I lost my little girl --
Ohh, that wrecked me.
So, which one of you has to suffer through
that today?
You know what? It's too hot in here.
- Yeah. - Let's go.
Mm-hmm. Real evolved.
Your swans would be ashamed.
Well, I guess I first noticed it after
Pameron moved out,
and Merle and I just started
sniping at each other.
Modern.Family.S05E23
Yeah, like that bloodbath this morning?
Ohh. Again, I am so sorry.
But Merle is not the type you can talk to
about things.
I mean, the man's had a toothpick in his
mouth
our whole marriage, and I can't say a word.
No, you can't sit on your feelings.
You will explode!
I have, like, 10 little explosions every
day,
so I don't have the big one.
The women in my family --
sometimes, they shoot their husbands.
Well, we've had 48...good years.
I...guess we're just gonna run out the
clock.
No!
You're still...
You have...
That is bad attitude!
You have to tell Merle what is bothering
you.
Oh, he doesn't want to hear all that.
He gets all closed off and macho.
You're ticklin' my piggies.
You get used to that.
It's a shame Mitchell's mother couldn't
make it to the wedding.
For who?
Mm, things still rough between the two of
you?
Merle, things have always been rough.
That woman never stopped complaining.
Finding the strength to leave Dede is the
hardest thing I ever did,
but the best decision I ever made.
Well, you sure made a score with that
Gloria.
Big-time.
I bet you landed her
before she got a gander at those hooves of
yours.
You're welcome, by the way.
So, what are you gonna do in Utah?
Well, me and my girlfriend

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【926】-
 Modern.Family.S05E23
haven't seen each other in a while, attitude.
So we're gonna be like a couple of bunny Well, you requested a S.W.A.T. Team.
rabbits... Is anybody else hungry?
just hopping all over town. Mitchell! Mitchell!
Is this her? Look at this.
Yep, that's my Beth. Do you think you could fit in there?
Huh. She's pretty. I'm not doing that.
Yeah. She's the most beautiful creature, Then what am I gonna wear to our wedding
inside and out. --
I'm just the luckiest guy ever to get to My black funeral suit?
love her. Is that the tone you want to set?
Okay, she may be real, You wore it to one funeral.
but no way you are. And you didn't even know Bea Arthur.
Who talks like that? - I felt like I did. - I know.
You know, I hate when you say things like It's Pepper. He'll know what to do.
that Yes. Pepper. Disaster.
because you are funny, and you are pretty, It's not a disaster. It's just a wildfire.
and you are smart and in an original way, And it's most certainly not going to burn
so why shouldn't a guy feel lucky to love down your wedding.
you? - What?! - What?
Shut up. Be normal. There's a wildfire near the venue.
- Hey, my phone just buzzed. Can you read No!
it? - Yeah. Yes, but it's fine.
I don't want to put our lives at risk. Ronaldo is going to text-blast the guest
It's, uh, it's from the airline. list,
Your flight's delayed three hours. tell them the wedding is being moved from
- Three hours?! - Yeah. 5:00 to 1:00.
Ohh! Jinkies! Oh, my god!
I guess we can just drop me off at a coffee Don't panic.
shop, Would somebody please turn off that
and I can take a cab from there. wretched waterfall?!
Okay. Kill the waterfall immediately!
Actually, I really need to wake up. The fire is already 28% contained.
Maybe I'll grab a coffee with you, if you That doesn't sound like a lot.
don't mind. Just get dressed and look pretty.
Please. I'm going to send the car for you in one
The more I talk to people, hour.
the less I imagine plummeting to my death Have you lost your mind?!
in a fiery spiral of screaming and crying. Go! You disgust me!
Pretty dark for someone who just said Go!
"Jinkies." Okay.
Well, I guess we have Now what are we gonna do?
different definitions of "Emergency," No, I guess maybe --
then. No, th-- Cam, there's no way I could fit
You know, I'm just gonna say it -- through there.
911 dispatchers have a little bit of You two exhaust me.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【927】-

What?
We have to be there in an hour!
I can't go like this!
Look at me!
I hate you.
Prepare yourself for the best burger of
your life.
We got to go.
Maybe we should try on more hats.
Do you think we have time?
It's not working!
And there's no oar?
We are literally up a creek without a
paddle?
Okay, Lily, Lily!
Okay, you're gonna press the green button
to start it,
and then you're gonna look for number
9-1-3.
And then, when you see it go by,
you press the red button to stop it, okay?
Okay.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I get us into these situations, and I freak,
and then you always fix the problem.
Well, now, we each have our own gifts.
It's just it's easier for me
to stay calm in the face of --
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, oh!
- Lily, Daddies coming for you! - Oh, my
god!
Okay, now, Lily, press the red button!
I'm breaking the window!
Put that down!
Thank god you're here.
Are you breaking into my store?
Uh, no.
Why would you even say that?
My alarm went off.
Oh, well, okay, that is a coincidence
Because his tuxedo is in there,
and we're getting married in an hour.
You are totally saving us.
You know, I freak out at situations like
this,
which forces him to fix the problem,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【928】-
Modern.Family.S05E23
- You know? - I do. I do.
So, I'm over here, freaking out,
while he's somewhere else, fixing the
problem.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know
--
the yin, the yang?
Yeah, whatever, Jerry.
Where'd she come from?
Oh, oh, because she doesn't look like us?
- That's offensive. - Oh, Jerry.
What are we going to do?
I know how to get up there.
- I'm blind. - Follow me.
- Oh, I'm not doing that. - Alex!
Excuse me, could someone help me to find
the back of the line?
Oh, no, no. It's okay.
- Go right here. - Are you sure?
Can I help you?
Yes, picking up for Dunphy.
It's on hold, I believe.
Beautiful day, huh? I was told.
Here we go. Credit card?
Uh, just to be sure -- that is turquoise,
right?
Because my wife said it also comes in
emerald.
Yes. Sir, it's a very long line.
Okay. Um, can I have it for one second?
Thank you.
Yep, that doesn't feel like turquoise.
You can feel color? You got to be kidding
me.
When you lose one sense,
all your other senses become heightened.
That's why you sound so loud and judge-y
to me.
My mistake, sir.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
Here it is.
Hey, he's messing with the blind guy.
Thank you -- wherever you are.
I don't think he's really blind.
Excuse me.

My father suffered methanol poisoning
on a humanitarian mission in Honduras
resulting in permanent neurological
dysfunction
and irreversible blindness.
It's been hard enough on our family
without people like you making it worse.
If he feels it's not the bowl,
it's not the bowl.
I'm so sorry.
I'll check on the turquoise.
Okay, that was kind of fun.
I'm winking at you right now.
Ohh, this is not working.
We are never gonna get there on time,
and I am the best person.
Oh, god!
I think I just broke a nail on a turtle.
You're the one who wanted to come out here.
Yes, I did,
because I wanted to spend some time with
my son.
You've --
You've been pushing me away so much lately,
And I don't want you to grow up to be the
kind of kid
who doesn't care if his mom shows up at his
wedding.
What are you talking about?
Nana isn't coming today, and Mitchell's
relieved.
I'd be really sad if you missed my wedding.
Really? You promise?
Totally. And so would Kate.
Who's Kate?
Upton -- my wife, your daughter-in-law.
Get on board.
Come on.
Then what has been going on with you
recently?
You've been so moody.
I'm sorry, but I'm sick of going school
and hearing teachers say,
"You're Alex Dunphy's brother?
Really?" Like I'm an idiot.
Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【929】-
Modern.Family.S05E23
I forgot the paddle
even though we just learned the boating
checklist yesterday.
Alex would never do that.
And if she did, she'd probably, like --
I don't know --
use this fishing rod to cast out and hook
us on the shore
because "I'm so smart."
And then she'd pull us in
because everything she does always works.
Oh, my god. It's working. It's working!
Figures. Alex.
Don't move.
The lighting is really cool right now.
Wh are you doing? Don't smile.
Why? It's my favorite thing.
No, really, be serious.
Look out the window.
Look.
That is honestly the best photo anyone's
ever taken of me.
Thank you.
You mind if I send a copy to Beth?
Andy, um...
When I read the text about your flight,
I saw the text from Beth telling you not
to come.
Yeah, she doesn't mean that.
She said, "It's over."
That can mean a lot of different things.
Your phone's buzzing again.
Oh, my god. The wedding got moved up.
I have to go.
Andy, are you sure about getting on that
plane?
Yeah, yeah. I-I'm fine.
You know, she does this every once in a
while.
She just likes the drama.
- But I -- okay. - Haley,
I appreciate your concern -- I really do
--
But I've been in this relationship off and
on for eight years,
So I kind of know what I'm doing, all right?
 Modern.Family.S05E23
Thank you for the ride. No, no, no, you don't mean this!
It's a tool of the trade. Oh, don't you feel bad, honey.
The car one says "Toyota." You have helped me today.
I have eyes on the grooms. Thanks for getting me over the hump.
I'm three feet behind you. What did you do?
How's it going? Are people showing up? Wow. We're doing this
It's all under control. Are you ready?
Surprise! Guess who's on time. I don't want to wait another minute.
Oh, my god! Lily, hit it.
Sal, wow, you're pregnant. On 3, boys.
Congratulations! Attention! Attention, please!
Thank you. We're really excited. The fire has jumped the freeway.
You're huge. I'm really sorry, folks.
Nice teeth. I'm gonna have to evacuate everyone
Uh, so, w-where's Tony? immediately.
Oh, beats me. So, this our bump.
Haven't spoken to him since the divorce.
Yeah, it's, uh, Eddie. Eddie! Baby!
Come here! Come meet the girls!
Eddie.
- This is Eddie. - Eddie.
Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy.
This is Eddie, my baby daddy.
So, why didn't you tell us?
Oh, you know,
we just wanted to get through that first
trimester
before we let the cat out of the bag.
When was that -- last summer?
So, y-you're -- you're how far along now?
About four months. Right, honey?
Just about the exact amount of time eddie
and I have been together.
I don't understand.
Four is this many, yes?
Si?
Hola, handsome boys.
You two look gorgeous.
- Gracias. - Oh, thank you.
Pretty nice, huh? Like a regular wedding.
Good start, Jay.
Hey, Merle, it's your son's wedding --
Maybe lose the toothpick?
I'm getting tired of this nagging.
- I'm leaving you. - What?
Not if I leave you first!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【930】-

Modern.Family.S05E24
Hey, best man.
Yeah, I think I might go with "Best person."
Is this about mom again? I told you, I'm
fine.
I was just a little sad for you.
Mom's a no-show,
and you and dad are hardly even speaking.
I'm leaving you!
Not if I leave you first!
What did you do?!
Attention! Attention, please!
The fire has jumped the freeway.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you're evacuating the whole area,
can't you just do us last?
I don't think you realize
how close you are to actual flames.
Hello. Pepper Saltzman.
Big supporter of yours.
Have all your calendars.
We've waited 10 years.
Can we please have an hour?
I can give you 30 minutes.
We can make that work!
The wedding will go on just in a slightly
pared-down version.
Claire, you're up front.
Flower girl, strewing.
Grooms, come with me.
"Ooh! Ahh! They look so handsome!"
Quartet, quartet, quartet!
And cue Sal. Start after your limerick.
Oh, God, no!
Ugh! We're all making sacrifices, dear.
I have a Prius full of monarch butterflies
who are apparently coming home with me.
Aah! No!
Her water broke!
No! No, it did not! I am barely pregnant!
Thank you all for being here on this joyous
occasion.
There once was a homo named Tucker --
Sal, stop. No, you're going into labor!
Also, just stop!
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【931】-
Modern.Family.S05E24
But we've only been together four months.
I just love you so much,
I can't wait to have your baby.
God! Kids ruin everything!
Yeah, they sure do.
Let's get you to the hospital and have our
miracle baby.
Okay.
Just so you know,
sometimes when babies come this early...
...they're black.
Okay, this is a disaster!
We have no one to marry us!
Dearly beloved, that is a problem.
Yep.
Thanks to $35 and the internet,
you are looking at
the good reverend Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.
Over the last year, I've dropped a few
subtle hints
to Mitch and Cam that I was available.
Hey, have you guys decided who's gonna
officiate your wedding?
'cause I got ordained online.
Oh, my God. A wallaby!
Oh, my gosh!
To be continued!
Phil, you're a lifesaver. Thank you.
No thanks necessary.
Cameron, marrying you would
make me the happiest man on earth.
Everyone, attention, please!
I've been informed by the fire chief
we need to leave immediately!
- The winds have shifted! - What?
But w-we have 30 minutes!
A fellow wedding facilitator has informed
me
a beautiful space just became available.
To the shuttles!
But we don't know a thing about this place.
Oh, my mistake.
Let's go over it.
It's a quaint, rustic spot,
though its chief selling point
is it's not about to become a kiln!

To the shuttles!
Cam, where are the shuttles
that brought everyone up from the parking
lot?
Apparently they were double booked.
This is the best Pepper could do.
This is how we're getting everyone to the
wedding?
Half our guests are gay.
We're finally giving them
a good memory on a school bus.
That doesn't look completely sewn on.
You might want to get something to cover
that.
Oh, good idea.
Thank you.
What did you say to Merle that make him want
to leave Barb?
I have no idea!
We were just shooting the breeze --
Wedding day, DeDe,
how happy I am now that I'm with you.
Why would you say something like that?
Now you're breaking somebody's heart.
I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Not her, him when he realizes
that not every second wife looks like this.
Thank you for lending me your jacket, Jay.
It's good to know there are still gentlemen
in the world.
Oh, it's you, Barb.
I didn't see you there on account of
my bright future.
Thank you, Gloria.
Standing up to that old goat
was best thing I ever did.
What's all that about?
No, no. The thing is that she told me a story
about a goat
and it's very old and then the goat --
Oh, don't give me that.
I told her to express herself.
I believe that in a good marriage,
a woman can ex--
Fine. Whatever. I'll undo it.
We can't let Cam know what the situation
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【932】-
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with his parents is.
He's very delicate.
I can't believe I'm involved
in breaking up yet another marriage.
What?
Hey, hey. How you holding up?
Uh, I've had better days.
But you and me -- we're cool, right?
We probably have some things that we should
talk about,
but maybe we save it for a less-stressful
day.
This is not your fault, by the way.
the fire was an act of God.
Not that God sent a fireball down
to keep a couple guys from getting married,
but, uh...
I didn't say that right.
There's no way that this -- any of this --
is part of God's plan.
Save something for the toast, dad.
Damn it.
Where do you want this?
Bus five. What's wrong with your voice?
The three of us just took a road trip.
We sang Broadway tunes
all the way to the Texas border.
And then from the other side of Texas to
Florida.
Hey, so you're, like, the minister?
Kinda. When they lost Sal,
the situation was a no-brainer,
which made them think of me.
Isn't there a lot you have to remember to
marry people?
Not really. They all follow the same basic
pattern.
"We're gathered here today to join these
two
"in holy matrimony.
Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded
spouse?"
And the first person says --
- I do? - Right.
Then I ask the second person,
"Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded

spouse?"
- You know the drill, right? - I do.
Then I say, "By the powers vested in me
by the state of California,
I now pronounce you legally wed."
Bingo, bango, bongo, you're married.
Awesome.
Really awesome.
Look, Barb, I know what you're going
through.
You and Merle are at a crossroads in your
marriage.
It feels like the end of the world,
but in time, you'll see it more as a --
Right.
A little hiccup that we all go through.
My advice -- don't do anything.
Just take some time and breathe.
Maybe through your nose.
Did you happen to find anything in one of
my pockets?
Funny you should "Flask."
Maybe I'll just take that.
Excuse me.
Well, it's much lighter now, isn't it?
Yeah.
Okay, this is weird.
I think this is the same seat I used to
nervously scratch at
on my way to school.
Oh, poor thing.
Yeah.
Even then I felt such pressure to be
perfect.
Andy's flight is delayed again.
Okay. That was close.
We almost connected on a human level.
He's doing the dumbest thing.
His girlfriend broke up with him,
and he's flying out to win her back.
That sounds so romantic.
It's so weak.
This girl throws a fit, he goes running.
If they get back together, she has all the
power.
Oh, my god. You like him.
第 3 页 共 8 页
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No, I don't. What?
This is so hilarious.
He's totally not your type.
Shut up.
Please. You can't stop thinking about him,
you're checking on him.
He's not even like a real person.
He's like a muppet.
I don't even get some of Sal's remarks here.
"Marriage is like a freeway --
Messy, but if you communicate, it's so
worth it."
Honey, that does not say "Freeway."
I can't use any of this,
but I don't want the whole ceremony to be
generic.
There needs to be some magic in it.
Well, you can read a poem or maybe --
Hold on. Back up.
I like your last idea -- a magic trick.
I did not suggest a magic trick.
After all, what's better than magic
to symbolize the wonder of marriage?!
Excuse me. I'm talking to you.
Yeah, yeah.
They looked good on you in the store,
but now you're not sure.
That was the topic 10 minutes ago.
Well, maybe if I stapled the sports page
to my head,
you'd pay attention.
As long as it covered your mouth.
- What? - Nothing.
Ugh, when are we going to be there?
Soon, honey. Very soon.
Come on. Give us a smile.
Remember, this is the happiest day
of your dads' lives.
The butterflies are eating me!
Well, who told you to jostle the crate?!
Oh, blah. One got in my mouth.
What a bunch of babies.
Pepper said it was nice. I hope we like it.
Cam, Cam, listen, whatever's on the other
side of this curtain,
we cannot be disappointed.

You're right.
Today is not about flowers or superficial
things.
Right. Okay.
- Oh, thank god. - It's pretty. I was so
scared!
Oh, I love it, I love it. I could cry!
Oh, don't cry. You'll streak your bronzer.
Everyone, please take your seats!
We'll be starting in cinco minutes,
10 at the most.
Do you ever notice with Ronaldo
how his language barrier sort of
fluctuates?
How is this place even available?
Oh, dreadful story.
Runaway bride, suicidal groom, feuding
families.
It really puts our mundane problems in
perspective.
Oh, we can't dim the lights.
Then break some.
These are not young men!
Why don't you two go freshen up?
Wait.
Why am I seeing only half a quartet?
Ed and jim are volunteer firemen.
Of course they are.
Try to play in front of a mirror.
- A kiss for luck. - Oh, okay. Yes.
A kiss for luck, my little gingersnap!
Oh, okay. Oh, wow, barb.
Oh, oh, good thing we're out of the fire
zone.
Well, you know your dad gave me a little
wedding helper.
I didn't know the jacket still had a --
Flask. Yeah. Oh, that's nice.
You know, at the end of the ceremony,
I kiss a man,
so you might want to fill 'er up.
This is how you try to fix things?
- You get her drunk? - Don't blame him.
She's been a loose cannon
ever since she started going
to that church service that starts at
第 4 页 共 8 页
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10:30.
They play guitar music.
It's a celebration.
It's gomorrah.
The pastor wears one of them madonna
microphones.
Oh, madonna microphones.
Where's my little corn silk?
Hey, you want to go out and do something
fun after this thing?
No, I was thinking about staying in tonight
and spending some time with joe.
Ugh, you never want to do anything
since that baby came along.
- How are you? - I'm good.
You -- you have the, um --
Marriage license, rings, signing pen,
toast?
Yes, of course.
There's a reason I'm the best person.
You know that's just a title for today,
right?
Yeah, I'm the best person at this wedding.
I'm still kind of hearing -- what is that?
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Wait. Oh.
That's pollen. Oh, no.
- Honey. - Don't look at me.
I only had one corsage.
Where's your sister?
Haley?
Andy! You're still here?
Yeah.
My flight keeps getting delayed because of
weather.
Oh, so does the wedding.
Wait. Is fire weather?
- There was a fire? - Yeah.
Guess that explains that smoking dress.
Line, Andy.
Well, if you're -- if you're just killing
time,
the new wedding venue is nearby.
You could totally come and hang.
I don't think I'm exactly dressed for it.
Of course, if I was with you,

no one would even look at me.
Wow, okay.
That is quite enough pie for you, young man.
Ugh. I've got to get back.
Um, look, I didn't come here for coffee.
Andy, I don't think it's a good idea
for you to get on that plane.
I don't think Beth is worth it.
You don't even know Beth.
I think I do.
I think I've been her.
Let me guess.
For every 10 letters you write, she writes
one.
She's always the one who ends the phone
call.
You happen to mention when your birthday's
coming up
because you know deep down she's already
forgotten it.
Meanwhile, she gives you just enough to
keep you on the hook.
Hello?
Of course I didn't leave, mom.
You walked past me two seconds ago.
I'm just saying, you deserve better.
Oh, my god!
I'm waving at you!
Stay where you are!
I'm walking towards you!
Lily, here you go. I'm taking your corsage.
But it's mine.
You're the flower girl.
It's part of your job.
Read the fine print. Thank you.
- Claire! - What?
I-I need the rings.
- For what? - To practice our trick.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, honey, I don't know about the magic
trick.
Don't you think people should be
focused on Cam and Mitch?
I'm hoping so. It's the perfect misdirect.
Okay, here's how we're gonna do this.
- You hold the rings. - Okay.
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I say, "They say the best marriages
contain just a little bit of magic."
We hold up our arms.
You let go of the rings.
They slide down the thread
as if mysteriously floating
all the way -- half the way to me.
Merle, I know that after talking to Jay,
you think that there are better things out
there for you.
Who says there isn't?
Okay.
Take a trip with me to the future.
It's a regular night at the local honky
tonk.
Look, who's that man sitting alone in the
bar?
It's Merle.
A beautiful woman approaches.
She asks, "Is this seat taken?"
He says, "No," and then she grabs the chair
and goes sits next to a much younger,
much handsomer-looking man.
Then Merle turns around to the bartender
And say, "Happy Tuesday, huh?"
The bartender replies,
"Don't you mean 'Merry Christmas'?"
You see, Merle?
It was Christmas the whole time!
Okay, it's show time. Cue the processional.
Phil, as they say in my native South
Carolina,
it's time to marry your brother-in-law.
Flower girl, work those petals.
Wedding party walking.
What's that?
I'll be right there.
Okay. Last looks.
Very handsome.
This is my second favorite suit of yours.
Second?
Right after your birthday suit.
Hey. Cut it out. I'm practically a married
man.
I know.
You know, you scared me earlier with what

your dad said.
W-what?
Well, just about the fire, you know...
being a sign we shouldn't get married.
It was kind of apocalypticy.
- No. - Then the sky turned dark.
Yeah, because of the fire.
Well, and then we had a flood.
You know, Sal -- sploosh.
I think you're stretching just a little
bit.
Because we paid for this room!
Mr. and Mrs. Lucas, we just need 20 minutes!
Cut the boy soprano.
No, we need these people out of here!
I can see you want to run again, don't you?
Follow your heart.
On your mark, get set, live, baby!
You don't need that!
You don't see this as another biblical
sign?
A swarm of "Lucases."
Slight change, everyone!
Don't worry!
There's always a plan "C"!
Oh! They're everywhere!
What is wrong with you people?
Leave the box alone!
Oh, if that thing is coming in,
we need to put a few more people on the lawn.
Okay, this place is cozy, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
It's fine. It's -- oh, it's going to be
fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although we may need to
sit some of the overflow guests upstairs.
Oh, we don't -- we don't own the upstairs.
Really?
I always assumed there was a nicer part
you weren't showing me.
Make sure their checks have cleared.
Just get another caterer here
or these people will be eating butterfly
bisque!
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Okay, I'm trying to remain calm,
but you realize that's another sign of the
apocalypse, right?
Famine?
He sounds as bad as Steven, Stefan,,
and Longines.
Oh, so what you're saying
is we have four hoarse men?
Stop with the frowning.
Today, you smile for your son.
Tomorrow, you can do whatever you want.
Tomorrow, I might just move out.
Oh, now I feel a smile coming on.
Oh, my god. You're texting Andy now?
I'm just letting him know he can hang out
here if he wants.
Haley, I hope you know what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
I mean, it's one thing if you're actually
into him,
but if you're just playing around with him
for the fun of it...
Here's the thing about nice, quiet dorks
like Andy.
You get over us much faster than
we get over you.
Hi. Sorry. So sorry.
Excuse me. It's my husband.
"They say the best marriages" --
I don't mean to rush you,
but there's like 80 people waiting to get
in here.
No, no, no. I'm so glad you're here.
I just worked up a new magic trick.
I start by saying, "They say the best
marriages
contain just a little bit of magic."
Then in my sleeves, I've rigged two
confetti poppers
that I found in Lily's closet.
So when I raise my arms...
Really? You're not gonna say, "Don't do
that"?
No, I mean, I don't think you need the magic
trick,
but if you do it, I'm sure you'll be great.

Oh, honey.
Oh, god, let me get that. Honey! No!
Honey, no! Hey!
Phil! Oh, no!
No, no, water's on! Water's on!
No! You --
-Just a minute. - Just a minute.
-Hey Andy. - Hey.
Has the wedding started yet?
Oh, yeah, lots of times.
-What's up? - Oh, nothing.
Hey, that thing you said before about me
deserving better,
you just meant, like, in general, right?
You weren't thinking of anyone in
particular?
Yeah, no, I-I just meant you deserve to be
happy.
And if it's this girl, great.
If not, great.
Um, sometimes the hardest part
is just figuring out what you want.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, enjoy the wedding.
Thanks. Have a nice trip.
Yeah. I'll see you.
I'm so glad we did this.
I know. Who were we kidding?
It was so gonna happen.
I can't get enough of this.
No, Mitch is fine. Still mad at me, though.
You know how touchy he can be, Dede.
Remember when we tried to cheer him up
after his first ice-skating competition?
How were we supposed to know third place
is a good thing?
Remember he tromped off
across that muddy field in his skates?
He sunk like a woolly mammoth.
Hey, Dede, if you're around the fourth of
July,
you should come by and watch the wedding
video.
No, we're out of town in August.
All right. Well, soon. Okay.
Oh, Dede, I don't think I have your new --
第 7 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S05E24
Okay, it's magic time, everyone!
Phil, please take your place beneath our
majestic arch.
Cue the quartet.
Where's the other one?
He rode with the caterer who flipped his
truck.
Why do good things happen to everyone but
me?
Let's send the flower girl
before she's a flower teenager.
Oh, so sad.
Sorry.
- What is ... - Yeah. Like I'm the problem.
Is your dad here?
Yeah, he should be right --
Oh -- oh, my god.
He's out on the sidewalk on the phone.
Do you want me to go get him?
No, no, I don't. Let's just -- come on.
Let's just do this.
Mitchell.
Is this really how you want to get married?
Well, it's not ideal.
No, people don't have any rice to throw
because they're chewing it raw out of
starvation.
Half of our guests are on the lawn and...
There go the sprinklers.
Okay, let's just call time of death on this.
All right, yeah.
Hey, everybody, um, thank you so much
for, uh, for dealing with all this today.
It means a lot to us.
But unfortunately, this is not gon--
Stop. You can't do this.
I'm way ahead of you, dad,
and thank you for stopping by.
What I mean is, you can't get married like
this.
You two deserve the kind of wedding
you've been talking about nonstop
for the last nine months.
What do you mean?
You bring it up every chance that you get.
I know what nonstop means!

Trust me, okay?
Now, what are we all standing around for?
My son's getting married today.
All right, Jay.
It's what this golf club needs.
Shake it up a little.
Go on, dear.
How often do your fathers get married?
So far, one, two...
Why am I still seeing you?
You can take your seat, dad.
We're about to start.
Actually, I thought you and I would take
a little walk.
I remember it like it was yesterday --
The day that Mitchell came home from the
hospital
in a very unfashionable white diaper
with three strands of scraggly raggedy andy
hair.
If he's doing it, I'm doing it.
You coming, Barb?
You old sweet talker.
Wait for me!
We were inseparable.
I was his big sister,
his big brother, his nemesis,
his protector, his best friend.
I was his first partner.
And I loved every minute of it.
Thank you all for being here on this happy
occasion.
They say the best marriages contain just
a little bit of magic.
Believe me.
I know.
We're gathered here today to join two
amazing people.
So naturally, I was a little picky
when it came to who was going to be
replacing me,
And then I met this Cam.
And sure, he was warm and funny and loving.
Cameron, do you take Mitchell to be your
husband?
I do.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【938】-
Modern.Family.S05E24
Cameron, would you please place this ring
on Mitchell's finger?
Mitchell, do you take Cameron to be your
husband?
I do.
Then by the powers vested in me by the state
of California,
I am privileged to pronounce you spouses
for life.
You may now kiss your husband.
I wondered,
"Was he really
everything I wanted for my brother?
Was he really the best person?"
No, I'm the best person.
And now I am very pleased to raise a glass
And introduce for the first time ever --
on our fourth try --
great husbands, Mitch and Cam.
Yes!
I saw that.
What?
The way you look at my sister.
You do it all the time, you know.
I do not.
Just not in front of me, okay?
So, have you heard from your dads on their
honeymoon?
You must really miss them, don't you?
Sorry. I was being dramatic.
No, you were right.
You'll hate yourself.
Right again.
It's like they never left.

Modern.Family.S06E01
Let me get that, husband.
After a storybook wedding
and a magical honeymoon,
Mitchell and I are finally newlyweds.
Are you sure you wouldn't be more
comfortable
in your own chair?
There's no more "My chair" Or "Your chair."
So we got back from our honeymoon several
weeks ago,
and it feels like it never --
Never ended? Oh, my gosh.
It's like we have one mind and one heart.
And one chair.
Happy three-month anniversary.
Oh, is that today?
So, listen, I have this boring cocktail
thing at the office,
but I should be home by 6:00,
and then we can head to the party.
For you, dad. From dad. Again.
Flowers? But you just got me flowers
yesterday.
Well, you also had cereal yesterday.
And I wouldn't mind having some today.
Sure was nice when this house wasn't full
of bees.
More syrup for milady?
Why, thank you, kind sir.
Claire, do we still have any of those
cookies that you and Luke baked?
Are we the kind of family that has cookies
for breakfast?
Yes, we are!
Yeah! Yeah!
A butterfly!
Oh, my god!
We are having...
...the most perfect summer...
...ever.
Don't get me wrong,
the Dunphys have had some great days.
We just have a little trouble stringing
them together.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【939】-
Modern.Family.S06E01
Our record was eight consecutive blissful
days --
December 2007.
It was our Hanukkah.
This summer, all the Dunphys are just
clicking.
Yeah, Haley and Luke are getting along,
Alex is off building houses for the poor.
Which I know sounds awful, but she loves
it.
My fashion blog is blowing up.
I started doing these live video chats,
and now I have over 50,000 subscribers!
Oh, plus, my hair has never looked better.
I'm not a religious person...
but I just woke up.
Phil has been gardening.
I've had time to catch up and read the
classics.
...when she isn't busy helping me
with my magic-mirror disappearing trick.
I'm just gonna say it -- suddenly, I love
magic.
I don't care if it's the middle of the day.
I just want to put you in a box
and stick swords in you.
If this summer wasn't magical enough,
I haven't had a single bad plum!
Oh, my god!
So, the zipper --
oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Manny!
Manny!
Come! Talk to your cousins!
Hola!
Manny, why you freeze the Colombians?
If I talk to one of them,
I have to talk to 50 of them.
Just do it as a birthday gift.
You always do this.
Your birthday's not till next week.
Not mine.
It's aunt Rosario's 82nd birthday today.
That's why all the goats are wearing the
party hats.

Look!
Manny!
Hi, everyone.
Pretty snazzy new cheaters, huh?
Five bucks.
I know, right?!
My husband is an older man,
but he's not an old man.
But with the track suit and -- and now the
glasses,
it's like he just stopped trying lately.
Comfort is not everything.
My toes have been numb since my
quinceanera.
We don't have to be at drinks till 5:00,
so I'm gonna run a few errands,
take these bad boys for a spin.
Ay, Jay, why don't you wear that new outfit
that I just got you?
Uh, a little flashy, that extra zipper.
Like a staircase to nowhere.
Yeah, but it makes you look very --
Honey, I'm so sorry. Right on your toes.
It's fine. You can drop a pay phone on my
foot.
I don't feel a thing anymore.
And now, as my lovely assistant joins me,
it's time to chant the incantation
that will send this fair maiden into the
sixth dimension.
By the hat of Merlin, by the witches of
Gramanthia,
we do make this offering to you -- be gone!
Did I do it? Did I disappear?
Almost. Just a little bit of forehead.
Oh, I can scrunch down.
There's love.
Hey, guys.
Sweet! You brought the sifter.
Now I can start my rhubarb pie.
Ooh, can I help pick the rhubarb?
Lead the way, kitten.
Anybody want a plum?
I'm good.
I'll grab you a roadie.
There is no easy way to ask this,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【940】-
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but are you all high?
No, Mitchell. We're happy.
Oh, I'm trying to get away from "Happy."
All right, in the briefest possible way,
why don't you let me know what's going on?
Okay, Cam refuses to let the honeymoon end.
I have a house full of flowers, endless
romantic texts.
I know, I know, I sound like an ungrateful
jerk.
You do.
It's exhausting.
Not to mention impossible to reciprocate.
Oh, my god!
Um, anyway,
do you think that maybe I should talk to
him gently
about taking it down a notch?
No, absolutely not. That never ends well.
Clearly you thought this said "Be mean."
- Phil, honey, no. - No.
It's -- okay, don't worry, I...
And it wasn't even Valentine's Day.
So your advice is to do nothing.
Yes, Mitchell, as horrible as this sounds,
you need to suck it up and let yourself be
loved,
and Cam will end up dialing back the
romance.
You might just miss it.
I know I do.
Here we are. A plum for my peach.
Do you?
Here you go.
Thank you.
Is he okay?
He's Mitchell.
Look, I didn't even want to talk about it.
We've had such a great thing going on here.
I don't want to let that kind of negativity
in the house.
Alex!
We didn't think you were coming back until
next week.
I got a ride home early.
This has been the worst summer ever!
 Modern.Family.S06E01
Careful, you idiot! How's that plum?
You're an idiot! Great. Oh, my god.
And last night, my tent ripped, - There she is! - There she is!
so I had to sleep Oh, so happy to have you home, honey.
under a plywood board leaning up against Oh, my god! It's a bat!
a van. What's happening?!
Pass me a napkin. Get it out of house!
Is milady's arm broken? Get it away!
Yours is about to be. This is unbelievable.
Aww, precious flowers. The dry cleaner lost another one of my
Not that I could sleep with all the rats. shirts.
And, by the way, You know that nice,
if any of you start coughing up blood, my red-white-and-blue Hawaiian one?
bad. Yes, that was a very nice one.
I think I brought back the plague. That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost.
What am I doing? I'm telling you,
I think I left my backpack in the driveway. this is a "Dateline" story waiting to
Stop kicking me! happen.
You're kicking me! Great talking with you all,
I'm sorry. I'm just fidgety today. hey, but someone wants to say hi.
It's okay. No, no!
A cookie might help. Jay!
Here's that napkin you wanted. Hi, guys.
I got the mail! Nope, still don't speak Spanish.
Would it have killed you Always so much fun seeing you guys, though.
to give me one without ketchup on it? Listen, I --
Move! - Gloria? - Hmm?
You have room! Your cousin's wearing
No, move out! You're 40! my black, yellow, and peach Hawaiian shirt.
Okay. That's enough. Ay, please, Jay!
Luke, why don't you go water our garden. Like you're the only man
Haley, just disappear for a minute. in this whole wide world that owns that
Well, it's not like you could help with shirt.
that. These designer specs don't
Abracad-ouch. just make my eyes pop.
Well, it's great having Alex home, huh? I can see the cigar burn I put on the left
So great. pocket.
You don't think that she's the reason why It's a coincidence.
we -- There's a lot of those.
No. No, I do not. Like according to your uncle's hoodie here,
We both knew that this charmed summer he was on my track team at Buchanan High.
had to have a bump in it somewhere. Hey, guys. Tell you what.
Yes. Yeah. Why don't we sample some American food for
And it's not like Alex coming home a change?
could suddenly throw off our whole happy So, you're sending my clothes to Colombia?
mojo. Just the old ones, and --

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-【941】-
 Modern.Family.S06E01
and they send most of them back. Hey, counselor.
And there it is. What do I have to do to get you to drop that
Do you have a problem with the way I dress? suit?
Jay, I love you very, very much. Cam, what are you doing here?
And I love you very much, but that wasn't Surprising my "Hugsband"!
the question. I'm hearing that term for the first time.
It's just that sometimes I feel like Yeah.
you could make a bigger effort on your So when will you guys be back?
appearance. Looks like somebody's entertaining a lady
And there it is. friend.
Please stop saying that. Maybe you'll pour her a nice, tall glass
It's just that I feel that lately of Manny-Schewitz?
you don't make an effort to look good for You know what? Sometimes just a straight
me, answer.
and I'm always making an effort to look my Gloria, can I get an E.T.A.?
best for you. These are important clients.
For me? Sure. I'd like them to still be alive when we get
What? there.
Well, let's face it, you don't really doll Okay! I'm ready.
up for me -- Seriously?
you do it for you. What?
You get your hair done, you get your nails Ay, no! I'm so sorry!
done. I forgot this was drinks with your clients.
Oh, so you wouldn't mind if I stopped fixing Hold on. Okay.
myself up? I'm ready now. Let's go.
No, because I love you for you. Hey, there, superstar.
And since we're being honest, Moron!
I actually think sometimes... Derp!
you overdo it. It really hasn't been the same here without
And there it is. you.
You're using it wrong. So what do you got there?
No, this is good. Oh, college brochure!
It's good to know that -- that you don't You're gonna have your pick of schools.
care. You're our little genius.
This is gonna save me so much time in the I just hope --
future. What, Claire? What do you hope?
Good. Well, you have such a perfect record,
Good! I hope they don't hold it against you
Manny! that this week you kinda... well...
Why? Don't want to say "Quit."
I don't care if it's cliché? You just did.
I love the convenience of a nice mini Are you trying to send me back to that
quiche. hellhole?
You got a little, um... No! It's -- honey, you're part of a team,
Oh, no. Okay. Perfect. and there are people relying on you,
Can the new guy embarrass himself any more? so when you just up and vanish like that,

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-【942】-

it sort of -- it --
Phil?
Phil?!
Your mom just feels like it's unlike you
to walk away from something.
At least I could walk away.
My tent-mate nail-gunned her foot to the
floor.
She was just walking around in a circle
screaming
until someone found her!
Why do you guys want to get rid of me so
badly?
No one wants to get rid of you.
It's just seven more days.
You'll feel good about finishing something
you started,
and then you join us for the perfect little
summer
we're having here.
Were having until an hour ago.
Haley!
Oh, my god. Okay, I see what this is.
You all are happier when I'm not here.
No, that's not true.
Save it!
I'll get a ride back up there
and you all can continue to enjoy
your perfect, little summer!
- Alex, honey! - Leave me alone!
We just got free Cinemax!
Here's Mitchell kissing a dolphin.
Oh, that's him kissing a tiger.
I'm the tiger.
We have fun, you know?
Were we supposed to bring our spouses?
Hey, Cam? Cam, hey, look.
Um, this is kind of work-only.
Oh, please. They don't even know I'm here.
I love this song. Let's dance.
No, no. Nobody's -- nobody's dancing.
Shh. Say it with your hips.
O-kay.
Hey, uh, no, Cam. Um...
You know I love you, right?
First man that ever did love me right!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【943】-
Modern.Family.S06E01
We have fun.
We do, we do, we do.
Um, so, look, I-I was thinking that
maybe...
we could turn the romance down
just a little bit, you know?
Because it's been getting a little bit --
I-I-I don't want to say over the top, but
it --
Okay, I'm gonna need your help
if we're gonna keep dancing here.
I feel like you're mad.
So, we had an informal vote over there...
We're not dancing anymore.
Oh, good.
You know Herb might stop by, right?
He takes the pictures for the company
newsletter.
Yes, I love "Herb's blurbs."
Well...
Here come the doors!
Usually all the good places have them!
I'm going to open them!
Oh, you're such a gentleman, Jay.
I think I forgot my wallet.
Oh, don't worry.
I have some money here in my fanny pack,
huh?
For god's sake, fine. You win.
I like it when you make yourself pretty.
I win!
I just said you won.
Ay, Jay, what you're feeling right now
is what I feel when you stop trying to look
good for me.
No, I get it.
Then why did you stop trying?
Because...
Oh, forget it. It's too stupid.
Tell me.
A couple of months ago,
I was shopping at Barneys --
you know I like to stay current.
Anyhow, I'm coming out of the dressing
room,
and I see these two young guys laughing at

me,
you know, like "There's the old guy trying
too hard."
You know, of course I get mad.
But I start thinking,
"They're right, Jay.
You're old. Just be old."
Listen to me, Jay Pritchett!
A lot of people assume
that I married you because of your money,
and that's only a very, very small part of
it.
I'd like to go back to that.
I married you because you were sexy.
You still are.
Who knows for how long that's gonna last,
for either of us.
So we have to keep making an effort for each
other.
Next time you go to Barneys, I go with you.
Maybe you're just making the wrong choices.
Not always.
You want to have a drink? I can change.
No, I think I'll text them, tell them I was
sick.
Let's go home. You said I was sexy.
Okay, bye, Rosa. Thank you.
Cam!
What's up, dude?
Seriously?
What, is that too romantic for you?
He loves me not...
He loves me not...
He loves me not.
Okay, can we talk?
Actually, no. I'm kind of busy.
I'm assuming you forgot it's our three
month-iversary.
Well, I foolishly set up a celebration
that I will kindly get rid of.
Cam!
No, I didn't forget,
but that's what I want to talk to you about.
You've been a little bit --
See, look. This is what I'm talking about.
You got me another present.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【944】-
Modern.Family.S06E01
Don't touch that.
Oh, my -- my heart!
What heart?
Cam! Come on!
Okay, listen.
I know how lucky I am to have you,
but I can't possibly keep up with this level
of affection...
Oh, boy.
I apologize! I'm a monster!
No, obviously, I'm the monster.
Obviously.
You know, can I just point out
that when we were in Cabo,
you didn't seem to mind all the flowers...
Yeah, but --
or the back rubs,
or the attention.
Well, that -- that was our honeymoon,
And, yes, I loved it, but it was weeks ago.
Well, maybe some of us don't want it to...
end!
Well, it has to eventually end.
All right, Cam --
Did you have this lipstick or --
You know, personally,
I feel sorry for you that you're so shut
off
that a few simple romantic gestures --
oh,my god! What am I looking at here?
Well, I guess I'm crazy,
because I've taken pictures of you sleeping
every night since we got married
because you're the man of my dreams.
Okay, super quick -- if I was the man of
your dreams,
wouldn't you have to be the one sleeping?
Don't pull that thread, Mitchell.
Speaking of which, what is this?
Don't pull that thread, Mitchell.
Oh, Cam, come on!
Even you have to admit this is excessive.
Excessive? Really?
Struck by Cupid's magic arrow.
It's off, Lily.
Seriously? Two hours rehearsing with Rosa?

Cam, what is going on with you?
We just had the most romantic year ever,
planning our ceremony, the wedding, the
honeymoon,
and I'm just worried if we let this go,
we'll never get it back.
Well, that doesn't all just end.
It did once.
You know, the first two years we were
together,
we were insanely romantic.
Then it became about parenting a-and
working.
And this last year, we got that back,
and I just realized I've dropped the ball.
Oh, no.
Well, m-maybe you -- you shouldn't be the
only one
carrying the ball.
What if you did a give-off to me?
A hand-off.
Okay, what -- yeah.
Look, w-what if I...
tried to become a little bit more romantic?
What would that even look like?
This song... this song...
Was playing the night I asked you to move
in.
At that Applebee's.
I believe you owe me a dance.
Yes.
Are we almost done with fairy time?
- Lily, of all... - Lily, that's offensive.
I just want to get out of this costume.
Oh. Oh, of course.
Now, that does look uncomfortable.
They snap off.
They snap off. Oh, that's easy.
My ride's on its way.
Don't worry, I'll wait outside on the curb.
Honey, nobody wants you to go.
Yeah, even if you are bad luck, you're our
bad luck.
You realize that is in no way an apology,
right?
The thing is that we are really --
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【945】-
Modern.Family.S06E01
Please stop talking.
I spent this entire summer as an outsider.
They literally made me build the outside
of the house.
And then I come back here and I --
Why is your webcam on?
Are you trying to humiliate me?
That light means it's on?
It doesn't automatically turn off
when you go to a different web page?
No, and considering you keep your laptop
on your bed,
right by where you change,
and when you come out of the shower,
and who knows what else...
Everyone knows what else!
It's probably why you have 50,000
subscribers.
Hey! You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Yeah, yeah. Still not off.
How do you do that?
Wait, what is that smell?
Your father and luke are making a rhubarb
pie
from rhubarb we grew in our own garden.
You're not leaving until you try it.
No, no, no, no, no. I smell smoke.
Well, I didn't turn the oven on yet.
Did you?
No.
Oh, no, no!
I tried to start that stupid "War and Peace"
again
last night in the bathtub, but then I fell
asleep.
It dropped in the water
and I thought I would just dry it out.
Take cover!
- Okay! Okay! - Take cover!
Oh, god!
Damn this thing!
Did nobody notice the oven light?!
Lights mean things, people!
Great job!
Oh, god! Oh, no! No! No!
Good job, honey!
 Modern.Family.S06E01
This has been awesome, but my ride's here. It seems pretty obvious.
Have a magical day. I had to throw the party a week early
No, no, no, no. to really surprise her.
- No, I got it. - No, sweetie. Should we be concerned about her?
- Claire, I got this. - Okay. That's kind of similar to the way mom left.
Spoon time, people. Gloria and I got in this whole thing about
Yes! Family tradition. how we dress.
Yes. Long story,
Look, you can leave if you want to, I think she might need a little more time
sweetheart, bef--
but we're not letting you go without a smile Hola!
on your face. I had this outfit underneath.
Luke and I poured a lot of love into this Did you really think
pie, that I was gonna walk into a bar looking
so, here... like that?
Taste this. Gracias!
Taste our love. All these years,
You took the leaves off the rhubarb, right? You're telling me you can get ready that
They're incredibly poisonous. You all fast?
could die. Caribbean queen
No! Alex says they're poison! Now we're sharing the --
We're right here! We heard her! Oh, my god!
You can't leave us.
We're a danger to ourselves.
We're a family of fire starters,
poison eaters, and online prostitutes.
It wasn't a perfect summer.
It was a stupid summer.
Without you here to shame me,
I watched every "Real Housewives" episode
and I only got to page two in "War and
Peace."
Please stay.
We need at least one adult in this
household.
Okay, fine.
You know the attic window is open, right?
We really didn't.
I race you up the stairs.
Why don't you slip into something less
comfortable?
Okay!
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
Just a thought -- maybe we should stop doing
these.
What's going on?

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-【946】-
 Modern.Family.S06E02
And we've been here
Modern.Family.S06E02 exactly as long as you were there.
Okay. We're almost ready here. Luke, be nice.
Okay. Now, easy on the filters, Cam. Well, Alex is leaving.
It's a family picture. We don't need sepia Somebody's got to keep the trains running.
tone. Back me up here, guys.
You know what other tone we don't need? This place screams "Alex," Right?
Play nice. It looks like every other college in
Okay. America.
We are taking a new photo for above our What am I missing?
mantel. Good grades, S.A.T. scores, basic verbal
Lily's not in the one up there now, skills.
and we...started to get the slight That's how you do it.
impression that... Caltech is the perfect school.
it was bothering her. For Claire.
Lily, we're ready for dinner, sw-- And Alex! Come on, we are talking about
Big smiles! one of the best schools in the country.
- Great. - Great. And, yes, it happens to be 45 minutes from
Let's take a look. our house.
Okay. Not bad. Of course, we'll support her wherever she
Not bad. goes.
- Let's shake out our faces. - Really? Obviously. Nothing is more important to me
Who took the online course? Shake 'em out. than her academic whatever,
Yep. That's perfect. but with Alex,
- Chee-e-e-se! - Chee-e-e-se! the important thing is keeping her close
Okay. Great! for the next four years.
Okay, um, Mitchell, After that, I'm never gonna see her
- can I see you over here, please? - Yeah. unless she Skypes me from Neptune,
Hang tight, sweetie. where she's living in a biodome she
Look. invented.
Why is she doing that with her face? Awesome! That means Christmas on Neptune!
I don't know. I've never seen Every other year?
such a weird, forced smile. No. No.
How do I look? All right, everyone, gather 'round.
- Beautiful. - Perfect. We'll be starting the tour in just a moment.
What an amazing campus! Okay. I'm gonna peel off and hit the
I mean, look at these cool buildings. robotics lab
And did you guys see the turtles? to see how close they are to a working
And check this out -- female.
A reflecting pond. Hold on.
Great. Maybe you can see how crazy you're They're not nearly as close as you'd hope,
being right now. and you're not leaving my side.
God, I wish I'd brought a frisbee. But it's so boring.
What's so special? It's like I'm being punished.
It looks exactly like the college I went You are being punished.
to. That's what happens when your teacher calls

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-【947】-

to tell me you cut class.
I'm sorry. I lost track of time making my
movie.
Hummingbirdman --
A superhero whose heart can beat a thousand
times a minute.
But can it love?
Check it -- there's a lab on campus
where they do experiments on you for 50
bucks.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to do a lot of these
in college.
Sometimes it's questions.
Sometimes they hook stuff up to you.
Sometimes it's just palling around with a
monkey,
wondering why they're rewarding him and not
you.
Well, that sounds great. You should go do
that.
I'll go.
I'm up for it as long as they don't shave
anything.
Hey, I'd love the 50 bucks,
but I'm pretty sure mom wants me here.
No, I don't. You can go.
Oh, you can drop the act.
I know you guys forced me to come here
so I can watch Alex
and get all inspired by college again.
We really didn't.
Yeah, you just got in the car.
I only packed four sandwiches.
Happy anniversary, Jay!
I don't love this tableau.
Is that Gloria's gift to me?
What is it?
I don't know.
Sure you do. I can tell by the wrap job.
She can't make corners like this, Manny!
Only because she's always in such a hurry.
Is life so busy you can't take 20 minutes
to get out the straight-edge and wrap a gift
anymore?
Come on. I'm a little anxious about my gift
for her.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【948】-
Modern.Family.S06E02
It would make me feel a lot better
if I knew she phoned this one in.
Sorry, Jay. Only time will tell.
Oh, God.
It's that black Panerai watch I wanted,
isn't it?!
Why can't you be this fast when I'm your
charades partner?
Hola, my loves!
You didn't see me. Keep her out of the
garage.
What are we gonna do?
I'm gonna talk to her.
I've been photographing her for years.
We have a relationship.
Really? What's she like?
I mean a professional relationship.
Look, I'm gonna tell her --
Her smile is forced, it's unnatural,
and we're not going home until we get what
we need.
Couple of things --
we are home, and that's mean.
What's your suggestion?
We show her the photos
and let her discover her weird smile on her
own.
Okay. That's good.
I video our football games
so I can see what we're doing wrong.
That's how I figured out
that powder-blue windbreaker washed me out
so much.
Oh, thank god. I'm sure the team
appreciated that.
- Lily, sweetheart, will you come here for
a second? - Yep.
Let's do this gently, okay?
Hi, sweetheart.
Okay. So, daddy and I thought
that we would look at these photos
together,
the pictures that we've taken so far,
and see if there's anything that we would
do differently.
Like, okay, when I look at this photo,

I think, "I could stand up straighter."
- Yeah. - Cam?
Okay. I think I could be
a little less "Ryan Gosling"
and a little more "Every man."
Lily, is there anything that you see in
yourself
that you would want to change here?
Well, maybe we should just do one more?
Really? Okay.
This might need a little powder.
Uh, Jay?
Your wife's upstairs.
You don't have to hide in the garage
anymore.
I'm not hiding.
Close the door, will you?
How bad is the gift you bought her?
I didn't buy her anything.
Bad idea.
I once gave her a bag full of hugs,
and she definitely prefers stuff.
It's not hugs.
Does that sound like me?
I made her something in my pottery class.
I can't believe you took a pottery class.
You're not the only one around here with
an artsy side.
Yeah, I could've bought her another piece
of jewelry,
but I thought, you know, she might like this
a little more,
coming from the heart and all.
Well, show it to me. What is it?
What is it?
It's a bunny.
It used to be my nickname for her.
On our first date, she had a cold,
and she was sniffling a lot,
and her nose would wrinkle up real cute --
you know, like a bunny.
That's so sweet.
Yeah, but that watch is big and gorgeous
and costs big bucks.
I can't give her something handmade. I mean,
she --
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【949】-
Modern.Family.S06E02
She's not sensitive like you and me.
Listen to me.
I think you went to the jewelry store inside
here,
and you brought back a gem.
Knock it off.
You think so?
She's gonna love it. It's perfect.
Perfect? Nah.
But teacher Pablo did say it shows great
promise.
And I am proud of the tail.
Look at that.
No, no, I said look.
Sorry.
And this building is home to one of our five
Nobel laureates
currently teaching here.
It also houses our high-current,
high-stability particle accelerator.
Okay. You need to calm down.
This is a college tour,
not Oprah's Favorite Things.
I am just so impressed by this place. Aren't
you?
Of course I am.
It's one of the most prestigious tech
schools in the country.
But if you must know,
I don't love everything about it.
What? Oh, the mascot's a beaver.
Don't worry. Those jokes will get old.
No, they won't, because I'm not coming
here.
Honestly, the only reason I took this tour
today
is so you won't accuse me of
not giving it a fair shot.
Why wouldn't you want to go here?
I can't believe you're making me say
this...
It's too close to home.
I have to get away from you guys for a little
bit, okay?
All right. We're gonna check out the dorms.
Parents, say goodbye to your children.
 Modern.Family.S06E02
Okay. girl
I should go. with a beautiful smile.
Mom, wait! Thank you.
Honey, it's okay. You're welcome.
We all say things that we don't mean And I'm seeing that here, okay?
sometimes. But I'm just not seeing it here.
Low blood sugar. I need my sandwich. What do you mean?
Yeah. Uh, well, uh...
Yeah. Lily, you're doing a different smile today.
All right. You can please wait here, Different how?
and the experiment will begin shortly. It's just a little... stiff.
- Okay. Thank you. - Yeah. Is it ugly?
What do you guys think this is gonna be? It's not ugly. No.
I bet they'll show us those ink blots It's, uh -- it, um...
that always look like two girls kissing. Cam...
A little tip from an old pro -- Uh, well, s-sweetie, um,
They can electrify cheese, so... it's just not your normal smile, which is
Hey, look at that. so beautiful.
"Do not push." You mean I'm not beautiful?
What are you doing? No, that's not what we're saying.
Teaching this button a little something Just forget it! I don't want to do this
about free will. anymore!
Luke, it says, "Do not push." I'm an ugly monster,
Which just makes me want to push it more. and I'm never coming out of my room again!
Haley, back me up. Okay. Well, that was a disaster.
Push it, don't push it. I don't care. Agreed. But can I just say
Is this mirror weird? I look fuzzy. I love how melodramatic she's getting?
Who puts up a button So fantastic.
with a sign that says you can't push it? - The little... - I know.
The same people who stack the deck There she is.
so the monkey always wins... Hi, mi amor. Happy anniversary!
Scientists! Happy anniversary, honey.
What are you talking about? I hope you like this.
We're not waiting for the experiment. What did you get me?
This is the experiment! What did you get me?
They're watching us right now! It's a bunny, mom.
Wait. What? It's a little rough around the edges,
And... but I'm just hoping you'll love what I put
- Okay. Good. - All right. Let's take a into it.
look. Oh, you put something inside?!
Oh! Beautiful. I don't get it. There's nothing inside.
Okay. She looks like Pepper's pomeranian. Yeah, that's, uh... 'cause, um...
We have to say something. The damn stupid jeweler didn't put the
What's going on? Why are we still doing bracelet in there.
this? The rose gold with the waves that I told
Honey, daddy and I think you are a beautiful you that I loved?

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-【950】-

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.
Jay.
No, it's fine, Manny.
I can run down to the store right now and
get it.
Stupid jeweler!
Ay, Jay, don't scream at him.
It was an honest mistake.
Yeah, in his heart,
he was probably trying to do the right
thing.
And past the Millikan Library,
You'll find the Bridge Annex,
which is also the same site
That Carl D. Anderson discovered the...?
Neutron.
Anyone else?
- Positron. - Positron.
That's right.
In 1932...
On August 2nd...
On the third floor.
Really?
I-I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to win.
I'm Jason.
Alex.
Is this your first-choice school?
No, I'm thinking M.I.T..
That's weird.
I live just half an hour from there.
Which explains why you want to go here.
I live here, and I want to go somewhere on
the east coast.
Really? I'd love to be close to home.
Sunday dinners, laundry,
make sure my brother doesn't mess with
my hand-painted civil war miniatures...
which I don't cherish.
So why not M.I.T.?
Well, for applied physics, this is the
better program,
and I'm not gonna make the biggest decision
of my life
based off where my parents live.
Okay, then.
Sorry. Did that... sound judgey?
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【951】-
Modern.Family.S06E02
I'm not really good at talking to pretty
girls.
I -- well, I have a touch of Asperger's.
No, I don't.
I just said that so you'd think I was
interesting.
I was... just sorta hoping you'd be going
here.
Really?
Did my mother put you up to this?
Does your mom tell boys to flirt with you?
Oh. You're -- you're -- you're flirting
with me.
I mean, I don't mean to sound so surprised.
A lot of boys flirt with me.
Not a lot. Some.
Actually, one of them has Asperger's.
He could tell you the weather on the day
you were born.
Okay. Well, I don't know why I said that.
The point is, I am single, by my own
choosing, so...
Oh, my god!
I am fine! I'm fine! Everything's fine!
I have to push it.
It's all I can think of.
Just let him push it. Who cares?
No one is touching this button!
Don't you see?
This is a test of character --
to see if we're the kind of people with
self-control
or the kind who just grab at any piece of
cheese
that's put in front of them.
Don't you want to know what it does?
"Want to know what it does"?
Of course I do. It's killing me.
But what I want more
is for you to learn to follow the rules.
Is this about me skipping class again?
It's weird how obsessed you are with that.
Now let me push that button!
No!
If you can't even pass a simple test,
how are you ever gonna get in to a good
 Modern.Family.S06E02
college? That's what I'm saying!
Or hold down a job? We only have one Where were you?
basement. Consoling Jay.
There's no place for you to move That bunny wasn't the only thing you
when your life bottoms out! shattered, lady.
Okay. When you first started dating him,
Dad, I cut that class what was his nickname for you?
because I had to get one last shot for my Sexy pants.
movie. The other one.
You would've done the same thing. Bunny.
Oh, my god! Oh, so that's why he put the bracelet inside
You're not mad at me. the bunny.
You're mad at yourself because I'm just There was no bracelet.
like you. The bunny was the present.
Total shot in the dark. That?
You're right -- I set a terrible example He made it for you himself.
for you. No.
No! It was awesome! In a pottery class he's been taking for
Do you think Steve Jobs followed every weeks.
rule? No!
Doug Henning? And you smashed it on the counter.
Keep talking. And he was too embarrassed to say anything.
What about that guy who lived in that town No!
where people weren't allowed to dance? I can't take it!
Did Footloose follow the rules? Glue! Okay, give me glue!
His name was Ren, and he most certainly did I need glue!
not. Make it stop!
Maybe that's what those scientists are Haley, put down the chair.
looking for -- Why should I?!
Rebels! Because this is getting absurd,
You know what? and it's no fun being laughed at
Who gives a hoot what those bastards want? by a room full of scientists and a monkey
No offense. in a diaper.
We're gonna break every rule, and we're Yeah! We need to push that button,
pushing that button! show those eggheads that we're not sheep!
Yeah! No! Breaking the rules doesn't make you a
Back away from the button! hero!
What are you doing? It makes you a screw-up!
I've been breaking the rules my entire Take it from me, Luke --
life, One out of a million dropouts
and look where it's gotten me. becomes Steve Jobs.
I live in my parents' basement! Do you know who become losers with no jobs?
I'm sick of being a failure at everything! The other 99,000!
Oh, my god! Honey, you are not a loser.
You're not mad at us. Oh, please.
You're mad at yourself. I hear the shots you all take at me.

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【952】-

I see my sister about to lap me
at a college that I would never be able to
get into.
Even someone as dumb as me
can see that I'm a giant failure!
Haley, stop, okay?
Haley, let me tell you something --
You have value, talent, and potential
that their tests can't measure.
Who cares if you don't fit into their little
box.
You're finding your way.
That's what your 20s are for --
to take chances...
to -- to make mistakes and to learn from
them,
and you are learning from them.
The fact that you won't push this button
proves that.
That was really sweet, dad.
I can't believe I was gonna hit you
over the head with that chair.
Wait. So now we're not pushing the button?
No. We're supporting Haley.
For the rest of your life.
That is not helpful.
We need to stick together.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
That's what this test is.
It's not about whether we push the button
or don't push the button.
You want to find out if this unites us or
divides us.
Let's join hands
and send these sons of bitches
and their filthy monkey a message!
Feels good.
Wait a minute.
How are they gonna know we're sending them
a message
if we're not doing anything?
That's true.
We have to hit that button.
Damn straight.
Yeah.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【953】-
Modern.Family.S06E02
Who did that?
We did...
as a family.
Did you not see the sign?
Now the A.C. won't shut off. We have to call
a guy.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this...
What if, uh...
Yeah, building full of scientists
and no one thought to push the button twice.
Please use number 2 pencils.
Yeah, just wall.
So this is the...test.
I got that cleared up with the jeweler.
Boy, was he embarrassed.
What's that?
Is that my bunny?
No. I am your bunny.
Jay, I don't want that bracelet anymore.
This is the most amazing gift you have ever
given me.
Really? You--you--you like it?
I love it.
And putting it back together
made me realize how much work you put into
it.
Well, it--it's all in the details, really.
The bunny was in the clay.
I just had to find it.
Now I'm going to give you yours.
I think it's about that time.
And this would be, um...
A bookmark made of movie tickets
from the first movie we ever saw together.
I-I-I love it.
It's the kind of thing I'd never get for
myself.
Ever.
This is what we should always do for each
other--
thoughtful, handmade gifts.
We get too caught up in--in material
possessions.
Ah, we got too much stuff.
Return this first thing tomorrow.
Yeah, and I'm gonna return the watch that
 Modern.Family.S06E02
I bought you. Bottom line-- it's all gonna work itself
Dinner's ready! out.
So, is that the rose gold bracelet that I But if you push her on it,
wanted? she's just gonna push you away.
Dynamite piece of jewelry. Oh, my God.
And that watch-- Thanks for coming, everybody.
Is that the ceramic with the 10-day, uh, As you know, our acceptance rate is 8%,
power reserve? so in the fall, I look forward to seeing
Of course. It's so sexy, that watch. one out of...
Yeah, the matte finish So...not him.
doesn't always catch the sun and blind you Well, I guess this is it, M.I.T.
like this one. Uh, when you visit Boston, look me up...
It's so interesting, 'cause I love shiny Darling.
things on my wrist. Okay, sweetie.
Oh, for God sakes, just keep the stupid Uh, t-that's my last name-- Jason Darling.
gifts. Oh, well, Alex Dunphy--
Hello? "P-h" not "F",
Hey, it's me. "Y" not "E-e".
I think Cam and I made a huge mistake. "D-u-n-p-h"...
Oh, I get it. Marriage is tough. Why am I still talking?
Just take a deep breath All right.
and go flirt with somebody at the grocery Bye.
store. There you are.
No, about Lily. Listen, honey, I am so sorry about pushing
We're trying to take this new family so hard earlier.
picture, If anyone is able to make a smart decision
and she's doing this weird smile thing... about where to go to school, it's you.
And you said something? Even if that school is all the way
Uh, well, let's--let's just say Cam did. on the other side of the country.
First of all, all kids go through this. Actually, there's a lot to like here.
You should see every picture Really?!
we have of Luke from third grade. That's cool.
He looks like he's mid-sneeze, which is a Whatever.
shame, I guess there's somebody around here
'cause I was having a great boob year. she's not ready to say goodbye to.
What did you do? He friended me!
I think it might've been the birth control Okay, come on, we have something to show
I was taking, but... you.
No, come on. About Luke! Is it dinner, or is my mouth too ugly to
Oh! Nothing. We didn't do anything. put food in?
Mitchell, I say this with love, Okay, no.
but when you became a parent, And please don't say things like that about
I knew this was gonna be a problem for you yourself.
'cause you like to control everything. You picked one?
Good lord. What would that sound like We sure did,
without love? and we're sorry we made you feel bad.

第 8 页 共 9 页

-【954】-
 Modern.Family.S06E02
We just weren't used to your new smile,
But now we are, and we love it!
Yes, it's beautiful, and you're beautiful,
and we don't want to change a single thing
about you.
Except maybe your underpants.
Okay, where did that laugh come from?
I don't know, but it's gotta go.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【955】-

Modern.Family.S06E03
Yes, I am still sick.
Yes, I'm going to work on a Saturday.
No, this is not wine. It is DayQuil.
With a little bit of last night's wine.
My stupid brother caught a cold
in Mexico on his honeymoon,
and it's made its way through the family.
I never get sick.
I-I must've caught a chill on the beach
when my socks got wet.
My ankles burn.
It went to my ears on our flight home.
I may have moaned a bit.
A crying baby complained about me.
Cam brought me this from Mexico,
along with two weeks of bronchitis.
I don't know which is worse.
It gave me the vertigo.
I was too dizzy for high heels.
I had to wear flats.
I don't know how people can walk in those
things.
I missed the first two days of culinary
camp,
so I was hopelessly behind on all
reductions and meringues.
You can imagine the nicknames.
I thought "amuse-douche" was particularly
cruel.
I threw up for three straight days.
I don't know how models do it.
Knock 'em dead at the big meeting today,
honey.
Kiss for good luck?
Oh, no! I'm not getting you sick.
This cold stops with me.
Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke
last night?
You did?
Appreciate the back rub.
Not sure I love being called "Miss Thang."
No!
Hey, everybody.
Hey, dad --
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【956】-
Modern.Family.S06E03
Noooo.
Mitch and Cam were stuck for a wedding
videographer,
so I hooked them up with a friend who shoots
infomercials.
He kind of owed me.
I can see why you call them "Miracle
gloves."
My headache's completely gone.
He dropped off the video
for the big viewing party
at Jay and Gloria's tonight, and I decided
to preview it.
What's wrong?
Watch.
I'm gonna keep it short
'cause I got a tee-time in 10 minutes.
Oh, God.
Kind of funny.
My dad died 25 years ago today.
Ew! Right on the cake.
I know. Keep watching.
...nice to replace that sad memory
with this happy one.
Don't tell me uncle Mitch drinks it.
Of course he does -- every drop.
May your first marriage be as goods my
second.
To the grooms.
Wait a minute. I take that back.
To my sons.
Why didn't you just cover your mouth?
Oh, I finally did.
You know what this means?
I'm patient zero.
What I thought were allergies
started the cold that brought the whole
family down!
No one can ever know about this --
Not after what happened in Yosemite.
The pink-eye apocalypse.
- A mountain chickadee! - Where?
Take a look and send it down the line.
Where? Where do you see it? I want to see.
Oh, right there! Right there! Right there!
It took me a whole year to earn back

the respect and admiration of my family.
Well...
But it's six hours to the screening,
and I have to edit out all those sneezes
without ruining Jay's speech.
That means special effects,
that means overlapping green screen.
What am I saying?! It's impossible!
I'm sorry, dad.
No, you're right.
It's time to stop whining like a little girl
and man up!
Let's put on our unitards!
And Manny -- he's been missing a lot of
kicks lately.
He could cost us a game.
I may have to bench him.
A coach has to do what's best for the team.
Does family loyalty mean nothing to you,
Mitchell?
Not to mention I'd be facing the wrath of
Jay and Gloria.
Well, then you should play him.
And risk our perfect 3-0 record
in my first year as the varsity football
coach,
when this could be a stepping-stone
to a college job or who knows what else?
You know, it's basically a cinderella
story.
Well, at least you have the outfit for it.
Are you gonna help me or not?
I'm sorry. Um...okay.
Well, maybe what you could do is --
You know what I could do... is coach.
You know, Manny's just in a slump.
You know, he's lacking confidence.
It's not gonna be easy, but I could pull
this off.
That's what you said about the Cinderella
costume,
and two hours later, we were calling the
auto club.
We're going in the backyard.
To identify insects.
Oh, I love that.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【957】-
Modern.Family.S06E03
I did that.
Sydney Barrow -- like my Lily, a gifted
child,
and, thanks to a little matchmaking, her
new friend.
Yeah, i-it can be challenging
finding playmates for an exceptional
child.
I don't mean to brag,
but that's why I didn't have any friends.
Yeah, Alan, I'm sending Claire to meet with
you.
I got my kid's game.
Yeah, he's the kicker.
Could all come down to him.
Yeah, take it easy.
Don't talk like that.
Look. You're stressing him out.
You're stressed out?
A little.
Good! 'Cause stress is all part of
football.
If you're not throwing up in your mouth,
you're not doing it right.
Ay. Don't pay attention to Jay, papi.
You're gonna be great.
You're my perfect little angel boy.
There's still a few hours left before game
time.
I think I'll just go lie down under my bed
for a little while.
You see what you do to him?
He's fine. Nerves are good.
Just before a playoff game one time,
I pulled out a whole eyebrow.
Hey, Claire. What's up?
My fever, you orange jackass.
Oh. Okay.
So, obviously, you have my cold now.
Everybody's first symptom seems to be hate.
Just pound the liquids, two days in bed.
You're gonna be fine.
I don't have two days.
As a matter of fact,
I have to go to a client meeting right now.
Why?
 Modern.Family.S06E03
Because I have a job and people are counting see your foot hit it, drive through the
on me. ball.
Oh. No. Someone's counting on you. Finish at your target!
This is about you and dad and how you just Even simpler this time --
love being his toughy-tough little kick the ball with your foot.
supergirl Great contact on that last one.
who never stays home sick, This time, aim for the ball.
won a tennis tournament Okay, this time, like you mean it.
with a broken finger I'm really sorry.
that she couldn't even hold up. Okay, Manny, look...
I'm holding it up now. There's no easy way to tell you this.
Daddy's approval is not the medicine that Hola, Manny!
you need. But, um... I, uh, really like the way
Why don't you just call him and tell him you're keeping your uniform clean.
that you can't take the meeting, Color-safe bleach, coach.
old toughy-tough-super-tough? You'll be fine during the game.
Why are you trying to turn this into a Kick it like you kicked sugary drinks last
fight? summer.
I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Okay.
Love you. Bye. So, I saw the practice.
I love you, too. Not very good.
Chicken, dog. I'm so glad you saw that, because --
Oh, so close. He's getting all the bad kicks
My turn. out of the way before the game!
Chicken, chicken. He's so good! Bravo, Manny!
Dog, dog. Go get 'em, coach.
Ibex, ibex! You too.
Oh, look at you go! Oh, no.
For far too long, I'd already had Cam's clogged ears,
Lily's friends just haven't challenged my dad's bronchitis,
her. and then there it was, right on schedule
It's been this endless procession of --
paste-eating, Gloria's vertigo.
toilet-missing shoe-losers. Even I have my limits.
But these two together -- Call dad.
they raise each other's game. Paul Rudd is an American film and
*How I wonder what you are* television actor.
So good, Lily. Shut up.
I can play, but I don't really sing. Call... dad!
That's okay. Everybody can't be good at Hey, honey. How you doing?
every-- I'm at the hotel,
Daddy, where's my shoe? and I'm really fighting this cold.
Okay, Manny, take a deep breath. Well, then, that cold doesn't stand a
Picture it going through the uprights. chance, huh?
Keep it simple -- eyes on the ball, Nothing stops my little supergirl.
shoulders up, Yeah.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【958】-
 Modern.Family.S06E03
What's up? If laughter's the best medicine,
Nothing. I just... then you're grape-flavored triaminic.
I wanted you to know that I'm on this, dad. Okay, now I need some footage of me reacting
I never doubted that, honey. to Jay's speech
Yeah. to replace the champagne sneeze,
Where's the lounge? and I'll just drop that into another table
At the far end. full of people.
Perfect. How would I react to Jay's speech?
I remember your junior year, Give me "Touched."
you played so tough through that Now sad.
tournament. Sadder.
What was that? Uh.. .field hockey. Come on. Dig deep.
Rugby. Think about me going off to college.
Right, and, uh, Why are you smiling?
well, you sprained your ankle. Uh, I-I didn't think you'd get in.
Could have been a hairline fracture. I don't want to waste a Saturday night
That's even better. Watching some video.
But it didn't stop you. You rolled right Let's just stay home and rent a movie.
through it. Okay, two things -- a movie is a video,
Yeah. and the only reason you don't want to go
I was a pretty proud papa that day. to grandpa's
Okay, stop! is because you're avoiding Andy.
All right. I'm embarrassing her. Avoid? I don't --
I'll see you tonight, honey. I --
Bye. I'm not having this conversation.
Alan. Oh, please. You've been dodging him since
- Hey, Claire. - Hey. the wedding.
- It's been ages. - Yeah. You told me to stay away from him.
I hope you're hungry. I just meant don't lead him on
I got us a table unless you really like him.
at the revolving rooftop restaurant. Yes, and you were right,
Oh, no. so I've been keeping my distance to protect
Claire? him.
Here I am right before the cake sneeze. Well, that's actually really mature of you.
It looks like I'm cracking up, right? With great hotness comes great
So from here, we'll jump to a green-screen responsibility.
shot of you laughing, too. There she is.
Then I'll take that and drop it into If Manny makes this one, we go ahead.
a pre-existing shot of a table full of Lot of pressure.
people. I'll bet he's chewing on his own stomach
Easy! acid right now.
And we are laughing. Sorry to be so sentimental. I just miss it.
Bigger. Manny, kick this one hard!
Like when I do Yoda walking into a spider That's my boy!
web. Actually, that's our boy.
Nailed it! Oh, that's our boy.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【959】-
 Modern.Family.S06E03
Moment of truth. Oh. Well, you're just a little know-it-all,
If you see even the tiniest problem, point aren't ya?
it out. Oh, my god. I am so sorry. I -- oh.
My dad died 25 years ago today. Okay. Sydney, forget that I said that, okay,
That did not land quite the way I'd hoped. honey?
Cam, Mitchell... I can't! I have a photographic memory!
May your first marriage be as happy as my You made my friend cry!
second. No, I didn't mean to --
To the grooms. Oh, boy.
Wait a minute. I take that back. You did that on purpose!
Oh, that's so bad. No, no. I-I don't think I did.
To my sons. Oh, gosh. And there's your mother.
Oh. Jay. Sydney, sweetheart, we got to stop crying,
O...kay. I have a few notes. okay?
What am I gonna do? You're okay.
We have to show this thing in an hour! Oh. Now my watch is caught.
You know what you'd tell me? All right, little pull. Little pull!
Show the real video and take your lumps. It's fine! It's fine!
I don't wanna. Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
That's what I would say. - We had so much fun. - Oh, good.
And then you would tell me, Sydney, honey, are you crying?
"You might not want to do it, He ruined my picture and pulled my hair!
"but you have to do what's right. Just little accidents.
"And that will make you And he called me a know-it-all!
go from patient zero to patient hero." What kind of a person calls a 6-year-old
Damn it, I've got a point. a know-it-all?
How does someone so smart sneeze on so many She's a year younger than you?
things? Should I not have come?
Finished! Oh, is it gonna be weird for Andy?
Let's see. I shouldn't have dressed so cute.
Oh. I'm sorry, but did someone rob an art Hey, switch sweaters with me.
gallery? Just be yourself.
Because this is absolutely beau-- It's the surest way for him to get over you.
Done! Okay, thanks.
Okay. - Hey, uncle Cam. - Hey.
We should probably put your names on those Oh, my gosh. I'm so glad you're here.
so we can remember whose is whose. You got to talk to Lily.
Next activity. She's not speaking to me because --
Okay, Lily knows all the capitals. I have bigger problems.
Dad! I haven't even told you what mine is yet.
It's all right, honey. I benched Manny.
The first is Albany. I'm worried Jay and Gloria are mad at me.
Then there's...? - Have they said anything? - No.
Ohh! I thought you meant world capitals. All I've gotten from them so far is "Hola"
Algeria, Algiers. and "That scotch is not for company."
Angola -- Oh, my gosh, Phil, is that the wedding

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【960】-

video?
Oh, we are so excited to see it.
I'm so excited to show you guys!
Get in the media closet. Cut every wire.
Dad, get ahold of yourself.
You're right.
I said, "You're right"!
Sorry. I already had it loaded up.
Everybody come to dinner.
Then we watch the wedding movie.
Hey, thank you guys so much for hosting.
And I hope there's no hard feelings about
Manny.
You're the coach. You can't play favorites.
Exactly.
I am so relieved to hear you say that.
No, no, no. One of our chairs is broken.
Come. I have a special seat for you.
Mitchell!
She benched me.
No! You beat me again!
Well, this is embarrassing for you.
Oh. Hey, stranger.
I let him win.
How you been?
Oh, good, good. Just busy.
I figured I'd say hi. It's been a while.
I know, right?
I've been busy, too, between this little
guy
and visiting my family back home.
I'm -- I'm really glad you came by.
I was afraid things got, like...weird
last time we saw each other.
Y-yeah, about that -- um, I rea--
Oh! I knew it.
I am such a goober sometimes.
I was just confused about Beth,
and I thought you were sending me some
signals,
which is so stupid.
I hope I didn't, like, creep you out or
something.
You shouldn't feel stupid.
You know, you were vulnerable, I was at a
wedding,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【961】-
Modern.Family.S06E03
everybody was super-gay,
and nobody was looking at me.
I probably did send you a signal.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.
Don't worry about it.
I'm just glad we didn't take it any further.
Because clearly, we are wrong for each
other.
Totally. We are way better as friends.
Way!
Like, imagine if we kissed or something.
Ha! That would've been a disaster.
A huge disaster.
You would've been destroyed.
Yeah -- what?
Whoa, Joe. What's with the snow on the roof?
You're aging like a president.
Claire texted to start.
She's going to be a little late.
Well, that's crazy.
We should wait for her
and watch the wedding video some other
time.
No, no, no. Let's eat.
I'm not very hungry.
I still have the taste of failure in my
mouth.
Sit down. This is a family dinner.
We all eat together.
Are there potatoes? I smell potatoes.
Here you go, sweetheart.
You eat it.
Lily, it wasn't that bad.
You still got my friend's hair in your
watch!
She's coming back.
What were you thinking with that playdate?
I was feeling protective.
That girl made Lily feel bad.
Or did she make you feel bad?
I didn't love it.
That happens with all first-time parents.
We think our kids are the best or the
smartest.
For the longest time, that's how we felt
about Haley.

"The longest time"? Really?
You can't force your kids
to live up to your unreal expectations.
They're not perfect, but you love them
anyway.
Also applies to adults -- probably more so.
That is what I'm doing, isn't it?
Jay does it all the time with Manny's
football.
Look at him -- he's so upset of
disappointing him
that he won't eat today.
Let's keep in mind what's important here
--
We're mad at Cam.
You have always been like this.
You put so much pressure into your kids
that they fall into pieces.
I never put more pressure on my kids than
they can handle.
Oh, don't be mad, dad.
I'm sorry. I tried. I really -- I tried.
Knock, knock. Me again.
Hey, you.
Hey. So, uh, quick follow-up.
Um, when you said I would be destroyed if
we had kissed,
what exactly did you mean by that?
Oh, gosh.
I guess that is confusing, huh?
Yeah.
I just meant that you would've been
emotionally ruined.
What?!
Yeah. I don't understand it myself,
but there's a lot of heat coming off of
this.
Girls do not get over this guy.
I'm not calling myself a drug, but --
I'm sorry. Hasn't Beth broken up with you,
like, 10 times?
She's dying to get back with me, though.
I wouldn't say it's withdrawal, but --
For the record, guys don't get over me,
okay?
At last count, I have three stalkers.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【962】-
Modern.Family.S06E03
One of them has my face spray-painted on
his van.
I had to stand there forever while he did
it!
Okay.
I didn't mean to imply that if we kissed,
it wouldn't affect me.
Are you kidding?
You are so pretty and so out of my league.
It would've... rocked my world.
Okay, then.
It just would've hit you harder. That's
all.
Mr. Pritchett! Your bath awaits!
Are you prepared for a bum-scrubbing today,
sir?
Ohhh, no.
I said something wrong, didn't I?
No.
No, I'm just being stupid.
The point is is that, you know, we're good,
right?
You betcha.
Aw, come on. Don't be so formal.
Come here, you.
I promised this little dude a bubble beard.
Come here.
Don't be a stranger, okay?
Honey, be a little selfish here.
You are not up for watching this video.
Why were you even out of the house like
this?
Because I'm your toughy-tough supergirl.
Yes, you are, but that's no reason to risk
you--
Away from the food!
Can we catch this again?
This is exactly what you do!
To his own daughter.
Kind of puts me benching Manny in
perspective.
Also, is there a sauce going around or...
Cam, you were right to bench me.
I stunk out there.
Vindicated!
But not because of Jay.

It's you, mom.
What?!
Tensions are running high.
I think we should all go home.
I've never worried about disappointing
Jay.
He knows I'm terrible at sports.
Said it from day 1.
Only thing coordinated about this kid was
his outfits.
The way you call me your perfect little
angel boy and stuff,
I just feel like I'm letting you down.
Ay, Manny, I'm so sorry.
You could never let me down,
because you're my per--
You're okay.
I cued up the wedding video.
All by yourself?
Let's watch it. What do you say?
- Okay. - Let's go.
I'm nervous.
- Is this- is this a good time? - Yes.
It feels like -- o-okay.
Let's go now. Come on.
F-full disclosure --
Everybody may not look their best in this
video.
It's good.
It's about time we all start seeing
ourselves as who we really are,
not who we're trying to be
- or who other people want us to be. - Right.
See, now, that is a very complicated
machine.
She is a genius.
Not a good start.
Hit it, Lily.
This is gonna be good for you.
I don't like you right now.
Oh, god.
Is that -is that my dancing?
Is that what I look like?
No, no. Okay, that's really funny.
Fast forward. Come on.
That's actually really sweet, Cam.
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-【963】-
Modern.Family.S06E03
Is that my crying face?
Oh, it's hideous! Why hasn't anyone told
me?!
Oh, god, I'm doing it right now, aren't I?
Give me that.
Congratulations, Mitch and Cam!
Look at me in that dress!
I look gorgeous!
Give me rewind!
Mom, look at you holding on to that bar.
You had vertigo there, too.
Yeah, I sure did.
You know, we don't have to linger on that.
Oh, mom!
Hey, everybody. I want to say something.
All that sweat. What the hell?!
I look like I had shamu in a headlock!
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Yeah, you and me both. I'm disgusting!
No, no, no, no, no. It's Haley's nausea.
Oh, god!
I'm gonna keep it short.
Yeah, you will.
120 people in that room,
and no one told me to put my arm down!
I have an idea, actually.
Why don't I re-edit the video
And cut out the embarrassing parts?
Is that a problem?
Not at all!
- That's great! - Done!
Thank you so much.
I know you sneezed on the cake.
No one likes a know-it-all!
Mitchell.
Come to bed.
Aren't you ever gonna sleep?
No. No, I don't think I'am.
Mitchell.

Modern.Family.S06E04
Not so bad.
Better than look from outside.
Drop the cool girl acts. It's perfect.
So, it turns out our house has mold --
Which is not a reflection on this excellent
homemaker.
Anyway, we have to vacate the house
while it's being treated.
I got us the last room at a hotel nearby.
I was a little concerned about
the five of us sharing a room.
But for one night? I don't know, could be
fun.
- Watch it! - Look out!
Haley, I need the wi-fi corner. Get down.
Ugh, I need instagram
to know there's still beauty in the world!
Luke, you'll set off the dogs!
Look what I got from the vending machine
in the lobby -- a Charleston Chew.
Remember these?
Can someone please tell the Nigerian family
to shut their dogs up?!
Check it out! According to this wrapper,
we can win tickets to the 2005 all-star
game!
I think I'm most excited about the night.
- It's gonna be like camping. - Yeah.
Okay, does anybody else need to use the
bathroom?
No.
Great. Oh, finally.
I forgot my night guard.
Sorry, Mom.
What am I thinking? This isn't my book.
Great -- now that we talked about it,
I need to use the bathroom again.
What is the point of a last call...
Coming through!
if you guys are just gonna do whatever -
Someone else sleep in the tub tonight. Like
Haley.
Okay, now that we're all here, can we just
--
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【964】-
Modern.Family.S06E04
No!
It's that stupid train.
It's gonna wake up those stupid dogs.
They're gonna start their stupid barking
and --
They didn't hear it.
Quiet, everybody. No "Good nights."
Son of a gun. Ray Chapman just died.
I know!
He used to give me the best bonings.
You're thinking of our butcher -- Ray
Eastman.
I hope.
No, Chapman was a navy buddy.
I always meant to write to him.
Oh, Jay, that's so sad.
I hated his guts.
It's like they say -- you cannot put these
things off.
Thanks god Manny's here.
I always get so nervous
when he goes out with that older boy, Sam.
I guess I could try texting the widow.
They always stay in the driveway like that.
What are they doing?
Jay, go look.
Gloria, can't you do it?
No, I can't do it because you know
that he always say that I am nosey.
And Manny's been acting very suspicious
lately
I think that that older boy's a bad
influence on him.
Can you see?
Looks like he's driving a Mustang.
Pretty sweet one, too.
- What the hell? - What?
They're kissing.
Sam's a girl.
That gives a bigger reaction?
Manny has a girlfriend, and he has not told
me?
Here he comes,
and let's not ambush him with a bunch of
questions.
No. He's probably gonna want to play this
 Modern.Family.S06E04
pretty cool. Nah.
Oh, hey, guys. Just like the old days, huh?
Well, heading up. No.
No, wait! Not it!,
How was your night? Dad! Really!
Oh, you know, just teens being teens. Bunch of complainers out here, huh?
Anyway, big game tomorrow. Night. Honey, I'm gonna go for a run,
Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with - and then maybe after we go for a swim.
a Mustang. - Okay.
I'd have put my money on a sophomore with What's that?
a mustache. It's a body spray called Sex Grenade.
You've been sawing One of the divorced dads in the hotel
at that chicken fried steak for 10 minutes. recommended it.
Just order something else. That smell is driving me crazy.
Mitchell, it's game day. Then it's working.
I can't. It's my lucky meal. What the hell? It's stuck.
Oh, God. Here we go. Get away from us!
Well, that's attractive. There's nowhere else to go!
You look like a puppy with a slipper. I can't breathe!
Under my leadership, the varsity football Open the door!
team There's an actual maid service at this
is now 5-0 -- new school record, very hotel?!
exciting. Dad, no!
Cam, I can smell your hat from over here. It's empty.
Can I please just pop it in the laundry? We're okay, guys.
And wash the luck off? I've worn it to every I'm gonna toss this.
game. When something like that happens,
See, he knows nothing about sports. it makes you think, huh?
That's why I've given him a pass. - Luke! - Seriously?!
He doesn't have to go to games. Claire?
Although -- I-I do -- I hear it's fun. Nope.
Three hours on a splintery plank I mean, what am I doing?
with parents squealing with delight I am totally at the wrong room.
as their children maim each other. - Are you? - I'm sorry, Phil.
He'd know if he came. The seats are aluminum It's not what it looks like.
now. Rumpled bed, wine...
Okay. bra.
Some pie on the house, coach. I knew it!
Oh, and that couple over there picked up You've been sleeping by yourself.
your tab. How could you?
Oh! Thank you. I am so sorry. I just couldn't take it
At least I'm getting some perks out of all anymore,
this craziness and I needed a place where -- What is that
and -- nope, they just covered your part. smell?
Lot of pool out there. Betrayal.
How about some Marco Polo? Family meeting in the living room.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【965】-

- Aren't we already in -- - In the living
room!
There's no easy way to say this.
Your mother's leaving us.
She's found another room that makes her
happy.
I don't understand.
It's not your fault.
Okay, look, I needed a little space,
and there was a room that opened up down
the hall --
Then one thing led to another.
Spare us, Claire.
So, wait. Mom's staying in that other room?
You can visit her on the weekends.
Aren't we here for just one more day?
I knew you'd be the one to lash out.
If Mom is staying in an empty room,
why can't some of us stay with her?
You happy, Claire?
You're breaking up the family.
No, guys, your father is right.
This is my fault.
I should go back to my room
and just think about what I've done.
Come on. We hate it here.
I cannot look at that red hair
in the shower drain one more second.
Look around here, people. None of us have
red hair.
Okay, one of you has to go with your mom,
so we'll do this the democratic way.
Whoever pulls the short crust --
- Come on, Dad. - No, I don't want to do
that.
Fine!
You all want to go, then go.
Turn your back on your father,
just spare me
- the empty apologies and the crocodile...
-Okay.
- Finally. - tears.
I call "No bathtub."
Another good-luck gift basket, Daddy.
Oh, they just let 7-year-olds sign for
these. Okay.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【966】-
Modern.Family.S06E04
How nice!
Let's see what we've got here.
Eggplant jelly?
What do they send if they
don't like you?
"Go coach, go Dolphins!"
I don't know. It seems a little "Go" heavy.
Pink salt?
What is wrong with people?
Okay, I got to skedaddle.
I'll see you guys after the big game.
All right, then.
- And we're waiting because... - Forgot my
keys.
Yes, you did. Right over there.
- Every time. - Yes, every time.
I forgot them on the day of our first win,
and it's worked ever since.
Now scooch to the left.
I'm not letting you do the coffee-table
thing again.
Mitchell, superstitions are a big part of
sports.
And witchcraft and cults and voodoo, but
--
Hey, look, you know what?
I'm not asking you to like football,
but I like football.
Football was everything to me growing up.
I was just a big, gay farm kid
until I joined the football team and I
finally fit in.
Now, I don't expect you to like it.
I don't expect you to come to the games.
But I do expect you to be 5% less
condescending.
Now scooch.
Go, Dolphins!
It's too much -- the car keys, the coffee
table,
your roller skate on the front porch.
I-is there any chocolate in any of these?
You'll have to scrape it off this sun-dried
tomato.
I suppose on some level,
it's possible that he might have a point.

I hate sports. I do.
But if you had my dad and my upbringing...
I mean, have you ever been picked last for
a team, Lily?
Well, at gym the other day, these mean girls
--
I mean, you have no idea, Lily, the bullying
and the teasing.
They put me in the ball bag.
If I am a little dismissive,
it's only because of my harrowing
backstory.
They said if I told, they would kill you
and daddy.
Oh, my god.
I've -- I've been making this all about
myself.
I haven't even been thinking about Cam.
This is crazy.
Yes, this is crazy.
Who cares if I like football?
Daddy likes football,
and I like daddy, so -- I need to tell him.
I need to tell him I'm gonna be more
supportive,
and I need to -- oh, honey, are you calling
him for me?
Yes, I have a complaint.
Can I please talk to Harry or David?
What's that smell?
I believe you're referring to my bold new
scent --
"Sex gre-nod."
Is that for Sam, your friend that is a girl,
but has the name of a boy?
I knew you were spying on me last night.
Yes, I have a girlfriend.
Let me save you some snooping.
She's smart. She's pretty. She's a senior.
She's our high school's "It" Girl,
and "It" Dumped the captain of the
basketball team for me.
So, you're only 15, and you go out with the
senior.
Are you sure you want to play that game?
Are you?
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【967】-
Modern.Family.S06E04
I just want to --
Mom, you're butting in.
I just want to meet her.
Oh, absolutely not.
It's way too early.
Promise me you'll stay out of this until
I'm ready.
That's as close as you're gonna get to a
"Yes."
Okay, I got to go get ready.
Sam's gonna pick me up for a bite before
the game.
Jay, I don't like this.
Eh, it's not my favorite exit of his,
but it beats the dramatic stage bow.
No, that girl is too advanced for him.
I don't want her to force him
to do anything that he doesn't want to.
I think he'll be okay with whatever she
wants to do.
Okay, you go because I cannot butt in.
Maybe you can talk to her.
Maybe you can put the fear of God into her!
What, bust her windshield?
Break her pinkie?
I go disconnect the security camera.
Nice ride.
Thanks.
You know, Manny's not really used to...
fast cars.
And I don't know what your intentions are
with this Mustang, but, um,
I suggest you take things nice and slow.
We clear?
Um, sounds like you really want me to drive
slow.
No, uh, what I think I'm saying is,
hands can do things.
No, uh, hang on.
Young people have urges, which is only
natural.
I also have urges.
Okay.
I mean, the point is, you're 18.
And I have my eye on you.
Jay, what are you doing?

Go inside.
No means no!
Run!
Score!
Win!
Yes!
And with 4 minutes left in the second
quarter...
...that's Dolphins -- 27...
...Badgers -- nothing.
All right! What a game!
Our guys were playing like
they come from a much poorer neighborhood.
You don't think it's funny
that we haven't seen that girl, Sam,
the one named for a boy?
I mean, it's a big game.
If she was really his girlfriend, she --
Gloria, be realistic.
What do you want,
her standing in the first row
with a sign saying "Go, Manny"?
- I'm just saying that... - 'Cause that's
what she's doing.
That's her?
She's pretty.
She made that sign for him?
I told you, she's a great girl.
And look -- she used glitter,
for god's sakes.
Jay, I think that she really likes him.
Look.
She looks at him the same way that I look
at him.
So sweet.
And in her case, healthy.
Go, Dolphins!
We're really giving our fans
their money's worth tonight, boys.
He came.
He's at the 30, at the 20,
the 10, and he's in for a touchdown.
- Badgers score. - What?!
We haven't let anyone run back a kick all
year.
What happened?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【968】-
Modern.Family.S06E04
Run! Tackle!
Try!
Touchdown, Badgers.
What's going on, coach?
All of a sudden, everyone's just off.
Yep.
At least Mitchell finally made it to a game.
Yep.
Focus, defense.
They got two players hurting us.
It's not that much to keep track of!
Shoot. Mustard.
I couldn't tell Manny because it would kill
him,
and I couldn't tell Gloria
because she would kill me.
Hell of a way to ruin a nice hot dog.
End of the third quarter, and we're all tied
up.
Coach Tucker!
Okay, hey, everybody, grab a cup of water.
Maybe you could hold on to those, huh?
How exciting is this, huh?
Oh, you dropped your little clipboard.
I thought you had a work dinner tonight.
I did, but I blew them off.
I'd rather be here supporting the team.
You better go, Dolphins!
Yeah, love that, but, you know, the game's
almost over.
You might want to beat traffic, so...
I thought you'd be happy that I was here.
Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid
of me?
I have no idea. It's not because you're a
jinx.
A jinx? Do you think I'm a jinx?
No! No, no, no, no, no.
This all can't be on you.
I'm hearing a lot of things
that sound like the opposite of what you're
--
Hey, coach! We need a play.
And Malcolm just got stung by a bee.
I got to go. A bee?!
Okay, get some baking soda.

Hey, do you guys know where the bar is?
You're here, my friend.
What are you in the mood for?
Well, I'd like my wife and kids back,
but I'd take a chardonnay.
Ah, I thought you had that look about you.
I'm Lester. This is Carl.
- Hey, Carl. - Hey.
I know it hurts now, but, uh,
being a man-about-town,
on your own, has its perks.
This is on me.
Ah. So, who left who?
She did.
She said she needed some space,
got her own place, and took the kids.
Chin up, my friend.
Adventure awaits.
Carl, could you swipe me?
Nacho machine ate my card.
Phil.
Hey, Ayoola. This is my neighbor here.
- Pool? - Oh, no, thanks.
- I don't think I'd be much fun right now.
- Okay.
Phil, buddy,
you get an offer like that, you got to jump
on it,
even if it's just a one-time thing.
I don't know -- she's nice, her kids seem
great,
but I don't even speak her language.
Who said anything about speaking?
I think you guys have got the wrong idea.
My wife's getting back tomorrow.
Oh, of course she is, champ.
Uh, I'm just saying, life is short,
and why deny yourself a little innocent
fun?
Your wife certainly hasn't.
I'm not sure I'm up for it.
Okay, but don't wait too long to start
living life, Phil.
Thanks, guys.
You know when you don't think about
who was in there before you,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【969】-
Modern.Family.S06E04
a hotel bath can be really quite relaxing.
Do you know if Alex got my text?
Your swipe-card wine.
Thank you.
Hey, so, I was talking
to those sad guys that are in the lobby,
and they said the hotel's been half-empty
all week.
Half-full, honey.
Be positive for once in your life.
Okay, not quite the point I was making.
I want to hear your point, but right now,
this magic juice is gonna help mama
turn that bathtub into a swim-up bar.
I'm just saying we could have been
- in two hotel rooms this entire time. -
Okay.
Wait.
So, dad put us through hell for nothing?
Do you guys hear that?
The sound of my hero falling off his
pedestal?
Uh, no.
The sound of your hero
playing with the Nigerians in the pool.
Okay, so, when I say "Marco" --
- Hi, Marco. - No, no, I'm Phil.
I'm gonna say "Marco" and then --
Hi, Phil.
Let's take it from the top.
I'm gonna close my eyes.
No, no, not -- not you, Ayoola.
You keep your eyes open.
- Can you open... - Marco!
No, uh, Iyapo, can you stay in the pool?
- That way, when I say "Marco" - Hi, Marco.
Come on.
He has a room to himself, and that's what
he's doing?
How surprised should we be?
I mean, he's basically a hyperactive
toddler
that just wants to play all the time.
Yeah.
Although it's really more about
wanting to spend time with us.

It's kind of all dad ever wants.
That's true.
He's, like, obsessed with us.
Do you think he lied about the hotel being
booked
just so we'd all have to spend time
together?
And we totally ditched him.
Even after he jumped on that sex grenade
for us.
Butterfingers. I spilled my wine in the
tub.
Would you mind, sweetie?
What?
Only 6 seconds left.
The dolphins still down by 3.
40 short yards, 6 long seconds.
We've got this.
On three, "Go, dolphins."
Two, three go, dolphins!
All right, Manny, this is a real hail mary.
Win or lose, I still have a hot girlfriend.
Dolphins come to the line.
There's the snap.
Tommy Park back to pass.
- He looks downfield. - Hit it.
- Hit it! Hit it! - He's got a receiver.
Touchdown, dolphins!
We won! Mitchell, we won!
Oh, no!
- Hello? - Mitchell, we won!
And I looked back, and you weren't there!
Please don't be mad at me.
I'm on the fence.
I don't blame you.
I feel stupid for making you think this was
all your fault.
No! I'm on the fence.
Look to your right.
I was trying to leave,
and then I got stuck on this fence With --
my -- my pant leg is --
What were you thinking?
We both know you're not a good climber.
Well, I know that.
There's a parking lot right over there.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【970】-
Modern.Family.S06E04
I'm parked over here.
Sit right -- sit right -- sit right there.
Sit right there.
- Okay, okay, put me down. - Two, three.
You don't have to throw me.
Look, I -- I get why you don't want me here.
I-I know there's no such thing as bad luck,
But there -- there is bad energy,
And I bring a lot of that to your whole
sports world.
And that's -- that's because of my own
history with it
and you deserve better.
I couldn't do better. You know what?
Why can't we look at sports like one of
those friends
that one of us likes and the other doesn't?
Sports can be like your mom.
You know, actually, I-I didn't hate this.
- Oh, shut up. - No, I didn't.
I-I was kind of getting into the whole
football culture.
There is an elegance that this has --
No!
No! This is vicuna!
You neanderthals!
Great game, champ.
Thanks.
You okay?
Yeah, just a little tired.
It was a big day. Good night.
Night, kid.
Hey, wait a second.
Your team just won six straight.
Let's celebrate with a little scotch.
You're old enough for your first sip.
She dumped me, Jay.
Okay, we're gonna do this.
She was just using me to make her old
boyfriend jealous.
Now they're back together.
Don't tell mom, okay?
I had a sense she didn't like Sam.
Really? She didn't say anything.
My first girlfriend.
She was perfect.
 Modern.Family.S06E04
Eh, a little wide in the can. when you guys left the hotel room?
- Jay. - I'm sorry. Just... Phil, what is on the other side of that
You ask me, you're lucky. door?
She dumped me by text - Hi, Marco. - Hey, guys.
while making out with her old boyfriend. It's possible they misunderstood me
I broke down crying. My charcoal ran like when I said, "You guys should stop by."
mascara. Yeah, "You guys should stop by."
I had to be comforted by the other team's Marco!
mascot. All right.
- Lucky? - Think about it. What is happening?!
How many guys your age would kill
to be used by a girl like Sam?
She picked you.
She used you.
I was a body, Jay.
Come on. If she had picked an average guy,
that boyfriend never would have got
jealous.
She had to pick a guy on his level.
Yeah. Maybe.
Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It sucks, and sometimes
it's got to suck for a while.
I just wish I could say some magic words
or give you a hug -- make it all go away.
Can I still have a sip of that scotch like
you said?
Okay, I just opened a bottle,
A beautiful 18-year-old,
full-bodied.
Sam!
Okay. Okay.
Marco!
Marco!
Polo?
Marco!
Marco!
Polo! Polo! Polo!
Who rings the bell in the middle of the
night?
It is the creepiest thing.
I'm sure it's just, I don't know,
Some guy's car broke down and he wants to
use our phone.
Have you ever seen a movie?
Okay, do you remember how sad I was

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【971】-

Modern.Family.S06E05
Okay. I'm taking off.
Where are you going?
I thought we were going to give a chicken
the best day of its life.
I hate that we keep rescheduling that,
but being a realtor man means working on
sundays,
like priests and Lesley Stahl.,
Good luck out there, honey.
We're all counting on you.
Just got to make it through this commute.
I'll call when I get there.
I'm there!
Have a great day!
I am handling the sale of our neighbor
Jerry's house.
He's selling it and moving into a bachelor
pad
now that he's officially divorced.
Which is great!
Well, I don't know about "great."
I mean, you can come and go as you please,
I suppose,
and maybe see what's up with the U.P.S. girl
who's always asking if you work out, or --
It's great because we have the rare
opportunity
to choose our new neighbors.
While still looking out
for my client's best interests, of course.
Winkwink.
I'm in kind of in a delicate spot --
stuck between my wife and the guy next door,
but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both
simultaneously.
Okay. That's them. That's them.
Everybody look like you're gardening.
Luke, grab that little hoe.,
Uh, I -- I don't think that's what she
meant.
Is it?
Okay, why are we doing this?
This is their third visit, and we want to
look good.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【972】-
Modern.Family.S06E05
What's so great about them?
They're very well-liked in their
neighborhood,
they have very polite children,
and they are sophisticated.
The husband is a huge wine collector.
Oh, there it is.
All right, this is it. This is it.
Okay, look sharp.
Luke, what's on your face?
I don't know. What color is it?
Why isn't it coming off?
This feels like a panic move.
Hey... again. Hello.
- Morning. - Hello.
Just doing a little family gardening.
See ya.
It's peanut butter, by the way.
We ran out of peanut butter two days ago.
Holy cow. It works!
What is he doing?
He's putting socks in a soda box and pulling
them out.
Oh, no.
This is like when my grandmother
started combing her hair with a cactus.
Jay, Jay, who is the president?
I will be when they see this.
Check this out.
What's my biggest problem in the bedroom?
Oh, thank God.
It's that I'm always wearing the same socks
Because they're always up front.
But this bad boy stores and rotates your
socks.
It's gonna revolutionize the closet
industry.
What an exciting time to be alive.
I'm gonna get my lawyer on the horn,
try to lock the name down.
Check this --
"Sock it to me."
How about "Soxbox?"
Gloria, please.
I'm selling a lifestyle here.
Uh, Mom, we're gonna go head out by the
 Modern.Family.S06E05
pool. All by your lonesome.
No, no, no, wait. Say hello. It wasn't a real unicorn.
Jay, this is Sophie. Thank you.
Hello. I'm gonna go and do homework.
Hi, Mr. Pritchett. Don't knock unless it's an actual
What's that? Some sort of sock dispenser? emergency.
Bingo! I'm in the closet business. Not a spider.
And this is a crude prototype of my new Ms. Plank gave her homework on the weekend?
invention. She's 7.
What a great idea. I know. The woman is insane.
You rotate your socks But listen.
so you don't keep wearing the same ones. I heard something in the glitter-tattoo
That's exactly right. line.
I call it "Sock it to me." What?
That's so clever. There's an opening in Miss Sparrow's class.
It's funny, and it tells you what it does. Oh, my god! Cam, that's amazing.
Imagine it in walnut. We got to get her in.
What's happening? I know. We're going in first thing
I -- I am so sorry that he's boring you. tomorrow.
No, I like this sort of stuff. Let's see it.
My grandpa Earl's in the closet business, Two dolphins that form a heart.
too. There are two second-grade teachers at
Wait, wait. Earl? Lily's school --
Not -- not Earl Chambers. Miss Sparrow,
Yeah, he owns closets, closets, closets... who makes learning fun and adventurous.
Closets. Yeah. And then there's Lily's teacher, Mrs.
I know your grandpa. Plank,
It was 1980. who is stressing Lily out.
Earl and I had just formed our company, Let's see, sweetie.
Closet-Fornia. Good job.
Business was great, high-end clients, Oh, no! I spelled "Tadpole" wrong!
maybe a celebrity or two. Oh, well, now, that's just one mistake.
I shouldn't name names. Anyway... Mrs. Plank doesn't tolerate mistakes!
Came to work one day, - Okay. - All right.
and earl's desk had been cleared out. I call Mrs. Plank "Mrs. Crank."
He had badmouthed me to half our rolodex. Because, you know,
It was devastating. I have the courage to say what others won't.
I had to start all over. Behind her back.
Well, what the hell? And I also helped the previous owners
It was Larry Hagman., install a brand-new tankless water heater
Heck of a guy. a year ago,
Heart as big as his hat. but did they show any gratitude?
Hey, you're back already? Nope!
How was the birthday party? Because it's a "Tankless" job.
I rode a unicorn. Yes!
Yes, you did. Please move in.

第 2 页 共 9 页

-【973】-

We can riff like this all the time.
So, what do ya think? Do you still love it?
Absolutely.
I can just see filling this yard with
flowers.
Just like we're pretending to do.
By the way, I love those shoes.
Oh, thanks.
George's firm does P.R. for about 10 shoe
brands.
If we end up living here,
trust me, you'll be swimming in shoes.
I've had that dream.
Speaking of dreams, what do you think?
You guys ready to pull the trigger?
I think we are.
- That's great! - Yes!
I'm a size 6!
Not since I fell off the roof
while they were delivering our trampoline
have things come together so beautifully.
See you soon!
We did it.
We are gonna have the best neighbors ever!
What's that noise?
Cool!
I don't want to see a stupid house.
Hey, how 'bout you shut up and not embarrass
us?
How 'bout you both shut up?
I'm sick of listening to you.
Hey, don't talk to your dad like that,
or you can go live with your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
I just make out with him
so I don't have to take his class again.
We should go say hi.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Phil, shut it down.
I'm trying! What are these things made of?
Come on.
Dude...
I love this place.
Me too, baby.
I always wanted a Spanish house.
It'll be like living at an El Torito.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【974】-
Modern.Family.S06E05
Oh! Your family.
Hey, you the neighbors? You like living
here?!
What? I'm so sorry.
It's so hard to hear over all that freeway
noise, right?
Hey, then no one's gonna complain
when I'm revving my cars, my bike, or my
lady.
I'm Ronnie Lafontaine.
And this hot lady right here is my wife,
Amber.
And these two little hellraisers are Tammy
and Ronnie jr.
Hey, hot stuff.
M-m-m-me?
Um...hello.
Damn, this neighborhood's sweet.
Yeah, it's close to my work, too.
Wh-- uh, what is your line of work, Ronnie?
Well, I'm basically a doctor.
Oh, stop being modest.
He owns, like, a buttload of medical-weed
dispensaries.
Ah, that's where I kno-- Oh, hello?
Honey, you look a little nauseous.
Yeah. Yeah, a little.
Hey, I got something for that.
All good.
How could you bring her to my home?
She's the granddaughter of my worst enemy.
I had no idea who she was.
I met her in my theater group.
I'm Caesar, and she's Concubine #3.
It was bound to happen.
Earl Chambers is a liar and a backstabber
who betrayed me and never apologized.
Jay, please. It's just closets.
I wish it was just closets.
I respect those guys.
Damn it, she saw the Sock It To Me!
So what?
If she can remember how it works,
She's gonna tell Earl all about it.
If she can remember how it works?
You put the sock in a box.

Even Joe could have thought of that.
What else did you discuss with her?
Did you mention
we've been experimenting with lighted
hanging rods?
I don't have a great rap with girls,
but it's better than that.
Well, you're gonna use it with someone else
'cause I forbid you to see her.
- What? - That's not fair.
What's not fair is me picking up the pieces
of my life
while Earl gets to be an extra on "Dallas"!
Hey, Dunphy.
Just checking out this tree.
Oh, yeah,
it's really messy, right?
And it makes the house so dark.
But the -- the rats love it, so...
Yeah, no worries. I'm gonna cut it down.
I don't want all this sap all over my lawn
couch.
Well, I wouldn't fire up your chainsaw just
yet, Ronnie.
It's a very competitive market.
Is there another buyer?
I really shouldn't say.
Is this -- is this one of those realtor
tricks?
No.
Where you're trying to get me to raise my
offer?
Oh, no.
Well, it's working.
All right. I'll throw in another 50 grand.
What?! That's a terrible idea!
I'm not losing the house.
I had the best sex of my life in there.
When?!
Excuse me, Ms. Crank.
-Plank. Ms. Plank?
Yes?
Hi. I-- Oh. A frowny-face stamp.
I didn't know they made those.
I had to special order it from Germany.
May I help you?
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【975】-
Modern.Family.S06E05
Uh, well, we're Lily's parents.
Is there a problem?
Not so much a problem, no.
No, more of an opportunity for you to...
lighten your workload.
Maybe turn that frowny-face stamp upside
down.
Let me guess--
you've heard there's
an opening in young Ms. Sparrow's
classroom.
- What? - Miss who?
- Is this-- Do you-- - An opening?
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Forgive me for jumping to conclusions.
By all means, tell me why you're here.
Well, we-- we've just, uh, stopped by,
Uh, in the neighborhood to
- say hello. - Say hi. Hi.
And, also, um...
about this opening in Miss Sparrow's class
that you suggested for Lily.
Is that something that you would...
That you would think would be a good idea?
Parents are not allowed
to choose their children's teachers.
No, and, of course,
I would never suggest special treatment for
Lily
even if she is a -- a former orphan and
minority
and-- and daughter of two gay men.
That's a big load on those little
shoulders.
Are you suggesting that your daughter is
at a disadvantage
because she's being raised by gay parents?
Is it working?
Okay. You know what?
Look. Uh, we just don't think that Lily
responds
to your, uh, teaching methods,
and we think she would be happier in Miss
Sparrow's class.
We would all be happier

in that new-age drum circle she calls a
classroom.
Okay, well, we didn't mean to offend you.
We're not saying you're any worse than her.
She.
Ma'am?
"Than she."
That's proper English.
It's too bad Lily won't learn it.
So she can go.
As far as I'm concerned, she's gone
already.
One more child left behind.
Okay, you know what? No. Lily will be fine,
'cause she's gonna have the chance to
thrive
in a more supportive environment.
Yeah, you don't need to worry about she.
This place is a great idea, Gloria.
Did I ever tell you
this is where I first tried pretzel bread?
Hello, Jay.
Hello, Earl.
I invited him
so that you two finally can bury the
machete.
Well, this scumbag already buried it in my
back.
You son of a bitch!
No! No! No! No!
Stop it! Sit down!
This is crazy.
You two need to be friends.
You're the only two people in the world
that care so much about closets.
This is silly!
I guess those angled shelves
that display all your precious shoes are
silly.
Or the rotating tie rack
that helps a brain surgeon save valuable
seconds,
and, just maybe, a life.
You fought me every step of the way on that.
Because the technology wasn't there yet.
People were gonna get hurt!
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【976】-
Modern.Family.S06E05
- If you would open your ears -- - Enough!
You two are acting like two little boys.
So I'm gonna have to handle this
how my mother handled my two brothers.
It's either you two work this out...
...or you kill each other.
When Reefer Madness raised his offer,
we invited the Thompsons over
to try to convince them to raise theirs.
We wanted to show them
that the best thing about that house
is its location.
It's Dunphy-adjacent.
That was so much fun.
We'll hear from you soon, huh?
You sure will.
Sooner than you think.
- All right. - Okay, bye.
- Drive safe. - See ya.
Nailed it.
Are they gone?
They are, but don't you worry.
We are gonna see a lot more of those two
soon.
Oh, and hearing from them even sooner.
It looks like someone didn't get their
"Phil" of Dunphy.
No.
What?
They pulled their offer.
Why? What happened?
You pervs probably freaked 'em out.
What do you mean, "Pervs"?
It's short for perverts.
You guys were throwing yourselves at them
all night long.
What can I say? That's shoe business.
Whoa, no guns allowed in this house.
Let's off that top, Lisa.
Let's... let's top that off, Lisa.
Phil.
So, this has been fun.
It'll be even more fun when you guys move
in.
Well, even if we raise our offer,
who knows if we'll get the house?

Fortunately,
you are getting into bed with the right
people.
Nothing inappropriate, of course.
Wink, wink.
But just so there's no misunderstanding,
we want you.
Why didn't you stop us?
Hey, I don't know what you guys are into.
Oh, my god. What are we gonna do?
Oh, relax.
I'm sure you guys will find a couple
that wants to get with you.
I'm here because she says you want to
apologize.
You're the one that owes the apology to me.
Oh, yeah?
ClosetCon, 1998.
You sabotaged my booth.
That thing collapsed because it was cheap
and bought in the orient -- like your wife.
How many times do I have to tell people --
You only pay for the meeting.
The feelings have to be real!
Just keep your granddaughter out of my
house.
For all I know, you sent her over there to
spy on me!
Sophie? What is she doing at your house?
Dating my kid.
Mitchell? He's got to be 40 years old.
And don't you know that -- oh, I get to do
this.
Mitchell is gay.
Shut up.
My stepson, Manny.
She's dating one of you?
My little, sweet Sophie?
That's right.
My boy's dating her.
He's dating her real good.
Well, I'm gonna put an end to it.
Great idea, Earl.
'Cause girls love take advice
from their grandfathers about boys.
I banged your ex-wife!
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【977】-
Modern.Family.S06E05
If you banged Dede, I do owe you an apology.
Lily, it's daddies. Can we talk to you?
All right. Where's the spider?
No, no, no, it's -- it's not that.
Now, listen, we have some good news.
We -- we know you've been stressed out at
school,
so daddy and I went down there today,
and we got you into...
Miss Sparrow's class!
- Really? - I thought you were setting me
up.
But I want to stay with Mrs. Plank.
But why? Miss -- Miss Sparrow's so fun and
creative.
Yeah, today, she gave us yarn,
and we did whatever we wanted.
I don't want to play with yarn.
I want to read and learn math.
We do math.
Really? What's 2 plus 7?
No. No, it's 9.
But that's an honest mistake, sweetheart.
Okay, what does blue and yellow make?
Blellow.
You need to fix this.
I could not sleep all night
thinking about those obnoxious people
living next door to us.
Especially that boy with the ripped jeans
and the long hair
and those blue eyes who called me hot.
Me? Hot? What?
Phil, you know a bad neighbor can ruin your
whole life.
You remember my friend Juliet from yoga
class?
We went to her brother's restaurant.
Adult braces.
Nope.
Black.
Juliet. How is she?
Miserable.
These awful people moved in next door to
her,
and she feels like she's trapped in her
 Modern.Family.S06E05
house. He's not a no-good!
She has to run to her car every morning. Yes, he is. He's a walking hormone.
- That explains those calves. - Phil. Now, let's hear this apology.
What am I supposed to do? Fine.
I have one offer, and it's way above asking. I was under a lot of pressure back then,
Well, I don't know. and -
Maybe, isn't it possible Okay, keep in mind I'm not in makeup yet,
that Jerry never even sees this offer? but do these sandals make my legs look
Things do go missing all the time. thick?
I'm legally bound to present all offers. 'Cause I -- I could lower the hem.
- Wink, wink. - Stop doing that. Aw, geez.
Withholding information would be a Who's that?
violation That's, uh, the maid's son.
of the realtor's oath. Not now, Gomez!
Which you wrote. Jay, what are you doing?!
Well, I also wrote my own wedding vows. Letting the man speak!
I guess I should break those, too? I'm sorry, I didn't know we had any company.
Phil. Hi. I'm Manny.
What am I saying? You're Manny?
I'll never send you to bed without a hug. You said you were under pressure...
Manny up yet? This is the big stud
He's getting dressed. Why? who's been groping my Sophie?
He was asleep when I got home last night. Sir, I promise you
And I want to talk to him about the there's nothing untoward between me and
Sophie-Earl situation. Sophie.
Are you going to start again? You know what, kid?
I am tired of hearing you rant I believe you.
about the crazy closet world. And you should.
Why would I rant about crazy closet world? He's the sweetest boy in the whole world!
Those lunatics priced themselves out of No, he's not!
business years ago. Pritchett, I wish I had a number-10 mirror
Manny?! so you could see the look on your face right
Two minutes! I'm fixing my costume! now.
If he wants to date this girl, Hey, this is nice.
it's none of your business. I think I am gonna call it the "sock 'n'
That's exactly what I was gonna tell him. roll."
Where's Jay? The hell you are.
What the hell are you doing here? Damn! That's a good name.
This thing between us is getting out of Hey, Phil. Come on in.
control. Hey, Jerry.
We got to put an end to it right now. Well, look at this bachelor pad.
As long as you own up to what you did 30 Yeah.
years ago. And what a fun neighborhood you live in.
If apologizing H-hey, you locked up your car, right?
is gonna keep your no-good son away from - I definitely did, yeah. - Good.
my Sophie, then -- Hey, you want some tea?

第 7 页 共 9 页

-【978】-
 Modern.Family.S06E05
This is my only pot, to recognize I'm not just in the business
so it might be a little of houses --
macaroni-and-cheesy. I'm in the business of dreams in the shape
I'm good. I'm cutting carbs. of houses.
So, did you, uh, get a chance to look over Hey! Careful with that!
that offer? It's art.
Yeah, it's great. I can't believe this is happening.
I can finally move into a better place, Who knows?
maybe get that colonoscopy Maybe we'll end up loving 'em.
my doctor's been pushing for. Yeah. Maybe.
What if I told you To disclose all illegal additions,
there's an even better offer coming? shoddy construction, murders, and
There is? ghosts...
There sure might be! Are we wrong
Tomorrow, someone could show up and offer or is there some tension between the four
way more. of us?
But, Phil, this is above asking. Uh, maybe a little.
Why don't you want me to take it? Maybe a little.
Oh, just a bad feeling. - I told ya. - Yeah.
Are you not telling me something? All right. Well...
Nope, that's just the f-- the bad feeling. We're up for it whenever you are.
Good, because you're the only one Wink, wink.
- I can trust these days. - Damn it! ...and to put my clients' needs before my
These new buyers just seem like terrible own.
people. And mine.
I know it's selfish, but we just -- Someone needs her bedtime hug early.
We don't want them living next door to us. Yep. Come here.
No, I get it. - Hi, Ms. Plank. - Hey, Ms. Plank.
The guys on the other side of this wall, Well, well, well, if it isn't Mary Ann and
they like to get drunk and play with their Ginger.,
nail gun. That's hilarious.
Oh, that's...crazy. Okay. 'cause --
Listen, Phil. - Yeah. Oh. - Oh, that's funny.
You've always been a great neighbor and a And while
good friend. while we're laughing about things,
I think I can hold out a little longer on uh, this is funny, too.
the offer. It seems that we forgot to talk to Lily
Are you sure? before coming in to see you.
Yeah. And -- and she made it very clear in no
I think of this old pickle jar as being half uncertain terms
full. that she loves you,
Hot! and she wants to stay in your class.
I can't have anything nice. How -- how great is that?
Not the wall! I will take Lily back...
On my honor, I promise to ...if you are able to tell me
aid in man's quest for shelter, the object of this sentence --

第 8 页 共 9 页

-【979】-
 Modern.Family.S06E05
Oh, gosh.
"Lily's parents were wrong about Mrs.
Plank."
Do you know it?
I -- I -- I think that the object is to
humiliate us?
Correct. See?
I can teach anybody.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【980】-

Modern.Family.S06E06
Look -- in the hallway!
It's a bird! It's a plane!
It's super-out-of-breath.
Happy Halloween to you, too.
I'm sorry. I'm just --
I'm really nervous about this closing
argument today.
Is it because you've lost three cases in
a row?
Whispering it doesn't make it any less
painful.
- Sorry. - Okay.
No, it's just that this case --
It's so hard to hold the jury's attention.
Well, do you want to run your argument by
me?
- Could I? - Sure.
Um, okay.
Six years ago, Alger Equities
took investments
from municipal pension funds and private
investors
and funneled all of that into offshore --
And I've already lost you.
No. I was just thinking -- because it's
Halloween,
what if you wore these in the courtroom?
Show the jury "Hey, I'm playful."
Cam, I'm an attorney,
not Bugs Bunny trying to hide on a train.
I'm ready.
There's Waldo!
I think I'm gonna win the costume contest.
Hey, now, honey, it's not important if you
win.
It's just for fun. Picture.
But it's more fun if you win.
No offense, Daddy.
You know, Lily's been letting me know
recently
that she's feeling neglected.
I think it's because of all my football
stuff.
That's why I went all out on her costume.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【981】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
Look how incredibly accurate it is.
Where is that little guy?
Come on. Come to me. Come on.
Here you -- here you go.
No matter how long he stares at it,,
Cam cannot find Waldo.
It's crazy.
O-once, he pointed to a barber pole,
and we just gave it to him.
Where is the little guy?
He's right there.
How do you find it so...
Let's try these.
Okay.
Boys, what do you think about my costume
for tonight?
You look dynamite, honey.
Ay, thank you. I am Princess Fiona.
So does that make me a prince?
Do I have to keep track of a crown all night?
No, you're Shrek, the ogre.
You mean that big green thing?
Nah, I don't want to walk around all night
with an ugly rubber mask.
No. You just need to paint your face green,
and that's it.
You do this every time.
You go as a princess. I have to go as some
freak.
You're beauty, I'm the beast.
You're Beyonce? I'm...that guy.
Well, you never want to go shopping with
me for costumes,
so I get what I want,
and you are what comes with it.
Well, this year, I'm getting my own
costume,
and it's gonna be tough and manly --
maybe a cowboy or a construction worker.
You know that
that's what Mitch and Cam wore last year,
right?
Damn it! I cut my finger!
Happy Halloween.
No, really -- I cut myself. Look!
That looks great.

What'd you use to make the blood?
A knife. I'm actually hurt.
Great production value, sweetheart.
I'm impressed.
Can't believe I've got to go to work on
Halloween.
This blows!
Don't worry.By the time you get home,
AwesomeLand will be up and running.
Claire's busy with work this year,
so I'm taking over the halloween duties.
My theme is AwesomeLand.
Which includes anything Phil finds
awesome.
It's a pretty big umbrella.
Big, pretty umbrellas -- those are awesome.
Claire loves blood and guts and gore,
but who says Halloween has to be scary?
Everybody but you.
This is killing her.
At least something's dying.
Court is now in session.
Counselor, are you ready to deliver closing
arguments?
Yes, your honor.
Well, let's get --
Wait. Where is Holly?
Sorry, your honor. My bus was late.
Counselor, proceed.
O-okay.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
the details of this case are --
are complicated and technical,
but they have a, uh, a tragic and profound
effect on the victims.
Uh, the, um...
pensions were squandered, lives were
destroyed,
and careers, once so promising,
were now...ruined.
So, because of this marriage,
you're basically third cousins with
Shakira.
I mean, we don't get the free tickets,
but it's fun.
Ay, dios mios. What is this?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【982】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
What's up, princess? I'm Prince Charming.
I can see that.
I got Joe a donkey costume,
and I got Stella cat ears.
I just hope she doesn't chase herself.
Ah, I get it -- because she's a dog.
I also found out that Princess Fiona
is supposed to wear a tiara, so here you
go.
They had a whole bucket full of 'em.
I love it.
Ay, and you look so handsome.
It's like those pictures of you in the navy.
I have an idea.
Why don't we put Joe down for a nap
and then we go and take a nap,
but not the one we sleep --
I got it. I'm in.
Okay.
Hey. I thought you had a big meeting.
I do, but I left my cellphone here.
I need it to read at stoplights
so I don't think about stuff.
I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.
Ohhh. Honey, I don't think that fits.
It fits in AwesomeLand.
It's a magic hat.
I'm gonna have this bunny jumping out of
it.
You gonna put some blood on it,
maybe dangle an eyeball?
Who hurt you?
I'm kidding.
I know it's Jay and Dede.
Anyway, I got to go get my costume.
Oh, for god's sake.
I kiss my mom hotter than that.
He does. I seen it.
Our new neighbors,
medical-marijuana retailer Ronnie and his
wife, Amber,
moved in two months ago, and --
It's been a week and a half.
Dear god. Really?
Yeah.
I don't get it.

What's scary about a giant cupcake?
We're not doing scary this year.
Well, heads up --
we're doing crap-your-pants scary on
account of the contest,
so I just hope we don't offend you over here
in candy land.
What contest?
Oh, it's something we started in the old
neighborhood.
If you're into it, you, uh, chip in 20
bucks,
and scariest house on the street wins the
pot.
Not actual pot.
I'd have to see a prescription for that.
Wait. You're not a cop --
No, for the 12th time, I'm not a cop.
Well, you are not gonna offend me
with your little decorations.
Please know that this... is Phil.
When I'm in charge, it's terrifying.
I'll bet you give all the other soccer moms
a good scare with that pin that says "Boo."
You are so lucky that I have to go to work
today,
or I would show you scary.
I would win your little contest.
You don't know what you're up against.
We don't let preggos or people with heart
trouble
past our front gate.
Couple years ago,
we scared a man Into the hospital almost
to death.
Well, since you got an excuse, princess,
looks like my winning streak will carry on.
Might even win at the old house, too.
We left that place pretty scary.
I'm meeting a friend for coffee.
No, you're not. No.
You're helping me take this all down.
Everything goes.
Everything except the bunny.
I have plans for the bunny.
Okay! On three, say "Argh!"
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【983】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
- Argh One, two, three! - Argh Argh!
Oh, that's great.
Thank you. And how are you two related?
Uh, you know what -- gay or straight,
there's no wrong way to make a family, so...
Okay, down, girl.
I meant, how are your costumes related?
It's a parent/child costume contest.
It is?
It was all clearly stated on the flier.
There was a flier?
I gave it to you, daddy!
I knew your costume was all wrong!
O-okay, hey, don't panic.
There's plenty of time before the parade.
Is there another character in "Where's
Waldo?"
Wizard Whitebeard.
Okay! Well, that'll be fun!
I haven't gone out with a Whitebeard
since I took my cousin Sally to the prom.
All right, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Lily, explain daddy's joke.
I loved having hair, and I knew how to use
it.
I'd walk up to a pretty girl
and run my hand through my hair.
Score a touchdown, whip the helmet off,
run my hand through my hair.
People say clothes make the man,
but that makes no sense.
What makes the man is a nice head of hair.
Damn it! It's like a phantom limb!
No. No!
This doesn't look real at all.
Alex, where's that blood
you were using this morning on your finger?
Running through my veins, keeping me alive.
Here comes dad.
He's gonna be all like,
"No! What did you do?!
Where's AwesomeLand?!"
No! What did you do?! Where's AwesomeLand?!
Are you from the future?
Phil, honey, honey,
w-we've had a little change of plans.

Why?
What are you even doing here?
Shouldn't you be at work?
That obnoxious Ronnie was worried
that I wouldn't be able to handle his
decorations,
'cause he's trying to win
this "Scariest house on the street"
contest,
and I was like, "Not only can I handle your
decorations.
I'm gonna win that contest."
So welcome to the insane asylum from hell.
That's what it feels like.
Come on. It's gonna be fun.
The kids are gonna be deranged mental
patients,
and -- and I am going to be a sadistic nurse,
and you are a demented doctor.
20 years of "No,"
but for this, you'll dress like a nurse?!
Um, no.
Of course the woman is the nurse and the
man is the doctor.
That kind of thinking -- that's what's
scary.
Tap out. It's a holiday.
You know, I put a lot of time and energy
into my thing,
but you just shut it all down to prove
something
to people that we barely know and don't even
like!
Phil, Ronnie made fun of Awesomeland.
He called it "Candy Land".
So?
Stupidville? Dumbburgh?
Who cares what he thinks?!
Maybe someday you'll care what I think.
Phil...
Well -- honey, look!
I kept your bunny!
Nibbles!
Made it in the nick of time.
All right, let's get this parade started
while I'm still just 4,000 years old.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【984】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
You do know the parade's not till after
school, right?
What? No!
I can't stay that long. I have football
practice.
Oh, my god. I have to tell Lily.
She's gonna be devastated.
Oh, no.
Where's Waldo?
Since when has the parade been after
school?
Since always. It was on the flier.
How big was this flier?
Oh, so this is how we call each other now?
Mitchell, I have a costume emergency.
Just wear it with confidence,
Cam. I'm sure you look great.
No, I can't find Lily!
Oh, okay, found her -- by the trash can,
next to the big kid dressed like a hobo.
Oh, you did it.
I don't -- I don't think that's a kid.
I should probably tell a grown-up.
Well, you have no idea what's happening
here.
The stenographer is dressed like a spider.
I cannot get anyone to listen to anything
I'm --
Mitchell, I can't.
Lily?
Honey, listen.
Daddy can't stay for the parade.
But you promised!
No, I know I did, but it starts later than
I thought,
and I have to get to...
Football practice! It's fine! Just go!
No, Lily! Wait!
Well, she's gone forever.
Gloria, what happened to my hair?
Ay, no. Please. I cannot have this
conversation again.
Yes, Jay, time is cruel.
My Prince Charming wig -- it's gone.
Okay, what do you think --
Handsome Hawaiian or sexy Scotsman?

I can't do this right now.
Come on, Jay --
this is my farewell tour
of trick-or-treating in the neighborhood.
I have to go out strong.
Or should I just do what people are
expecting?
Stay home 'cause you're 20?
Jay, please don't be mean to Manny.
Maybe Stella took your wig
and buried it in the yard.
I saw her playing with it earlier.
What? Why didn't you take it from her?
I don't understand your relationship with
her.
You let her lick your feet.
Who is that possibly hurting?
What am I gonna do now?
Prince Charming had hair!
Please. We don't really know that for sure.
There weren't cameras back then.
Maybe he had to be charming because he was
bald.
You really think it's appropriate
to be strapping your teenage daughter to
a gurney?
If we win, it is.
I may have to take a pee break soon.
Ooh. Here. Use this bedpan.
I'm kidding. That's gross.
I put candy in it. Here.
Luke.
Luke!
I think I fell asleep.
This thing is like a Temple Grandin hug.
Haley, sweetie, uh, gown's on backwards.
Oh, no. It's cuter this way.
Sexy people go crazy, too, you know.
Read a People magazine.
Phil.
You're not even gonna try on your doctor
costume?
Nope.
But we're gonna win.
Doesn't that make you happy?
Do I look happy?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【985】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
You got a problem, lady.
This obsessive need to be dark and scary
--
you can't even stop yourself.
I can stop whenever I want.
Well, I'm not getting sucked in.
I'm having the Halloween that I wanted.
What is all this?
Is this supposed to be funny?
No, it's supposed to be scary.
No, it's supposed to be awesome.
You know, I could tell that you guys
didn't love us moving in next door.
Maybe 'cause Ronnie deals pot
or maybe 'cause of my confederate-flag
bikini.
I don't know, but --
But I thought we were becomin' friends.
I was gonna propose a joint Thanksgiving,
but...
This is really low.
No, honey, it's okay.
No, it's not okay, Ronnie!
It's rude and it's cruel!
I wish we had our old house
so we could drive it away
as far as possible!
Oh, my goodness. What was that?
Amber gets touchy about this stuff.
Uh, she --
she spent six months in a cuckoo farm in
Nevada.
I'm sorry. She gets mad when I say that.
It was in Utah.
Oh, my god.
We -- we had no idea. I swear.
I-it's cool.
I'll just...give her a box of Cap'n Crunch
and set her in front of the fish tank.
That seems to calm her down.
- Okay. - Okay.
We have to shut it down. We got to shut it
down.
Now, when she said "Joint thanksgiving,"
do you think that she meant --
- No. - Okay.
 Modern.Family.S06E06
Each of these companies innocent people,
funneled unreported funds into the same and, you know,
account. if someone had dipped into my nest egg like
Now, I believe this chart makes clear that, uh...
the intricate web of deceit. I'd be awful grouchy.
Okay, I heard it. Number four.
I'm -- I'm gonna rephrase that. Here you go.
These companies conspired What are you supposed to be?
to defraud numerous innocent people, Born into another family.
not to mention the Internal Revenue She is Tess McGill,
Service. feminist heroine from te 1980s classic
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. "Working Girl".
Your honor, may we approach? You should check it out sometime.
If you must. In a few years.
You see what's happening here, right? There is some light vacuuming in
You're losing your fifth case in a row? underpants.
Fourth. And -- Keep up the good work!
Who said -- am I losing? How's it going here?
Um, I just feel that the -- the jury I look stupid!
might be a little bit distracted by, These puppies are making it impossible
um...you know. for me to stay mad at you.
Please let the record show that counsel is Stupid, adorable puppies.
nodding his head Welcome to AwesomeLand,
towards the court stenographer, Holly. where the only thing to fear is fun itself.
Your honor, opposing counsel's Claire, I know this isn't the Halloween you
grasping at straws wanted,
because he's losing again. but can you try to sell it?
Oh, come on! Come on! I'm sorry, honey.
She's dressed like a giant spider! I got mad at you and I upset Amber,
I need the jury to focus on the details of and all because Ronnie called me a soccer
this case, mom.
not some ridiculous costume. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry. You're probably a very nice Nothing.
person. I hate it when people assume things about
Very well. me
Holly, would you please remove the costume? that aren't true --
Thank you. Like because I'm pretty, I'm stuck-up.
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the When people do that to me, I'm just like,
delay. "Shut up, troll. Why am I even talking to
At the request of counsel, you?"
the court stenographer will now remove the I do not like being pigeonholed.
costume. It's obvious, mom --
That redhead's no fun. You use Halloween as a way to show people
They hate you. you have edge.
A-as I was saying, um, It's like accountants who buy a harley.
these companies stole from countless She's right.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【986】-

Being scary is my motorcycle.
That's my Tess.
I knew my farewell tour would be emotional,
but at least I can say I did it my way.
You've said that four times.
You know he had other songs?
Nice costume. Ben Franklin, right?
What? No! Prince Charming.
Oh. Sorry.
I guess I just picture Prince Charming with
hair.
We all do, but I lost my wig,
And I don't have any, so...
Well, you know, there are
some pretty effective solutions for that.
- Talking about hair plugs? - Yeah.
Take some from the side and the back, right?
You think that would work for me?
It could.
But you might want a second opinion from
an actual doctor.
Excuse me.
Did you just ask that fake doctor about hair
plugs?
No! You know how you struggle with the
language.
- Jay. - Damn it, Gloria.
I miss having a head full of hair.
And don't act like you don't miss it, too.
When we got married,
you had four more hairs than you do now.
This is not a surprise to me.
What about today? Hmm? Earlier?
When we were not napping?
When you were a little extra-enthusiastic?
Because you were enthusiastic.
You went out and bought costumes for all
of us,
you were singing.
For once, you were not like, "I don't want
to do this.
"I just want to sit at home, watch golf,
And eat my 10-layer dip."
Just five. Five layers.
One layer is enough, Jay.
I loved that you were having fun with us.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【987】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
A happy husband --
that's what is sexy to me.
So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Oh, yes! That's who it is!
The man from the $100 bill -- my favorite!
All right, Happy Halloween.
That's your costume? A big nose?
All right, you know, cool it.
I've had a rough day.
You think you're the first SpongeBob I've
seen?
I'm missing Halloween.
All right, honey, if daddy's not home in
five minutes,
I will take you trick-or-treating, okay?
Okay! I made it!
Football practice ran late, sweetie.
Just give me two minutes. I'm so sorry.
Whatever.
I bet all the full-size candy bars are gone.
- Lily. - Nope, nope.
She has every right, Mitchell.
You know, I've let football consume my
life,
And I fumbled what's most valuable to me,
And now I'm stuck!
Can somebody please help me?
- Don't help him! - Oh, enough, you two!
It's like "August: osage county" Up in
here.
- All right, you -- - Where's my head?
It's right here. Stop. Just calm down.
Okay.
You need to let yourself off the hook, all
right?
You didn't abandon her playing craps.
You had to go to work.
He's always working.
No, he's --
He is not always working, Lily.
Exhibit "A" -- your shirt,
which he stayed up all night sewing
so that you would have the perfect costume.
Exhibit "B" --
Those glasses--two hours on eBay.
Exhibit "C" -- your satchel.

Daddy's man purse from college
that he had to dig through 10 boxes to find,
because daddy hid it from him.
But he didn't read the flier!
I never read it
Because I never saw it!
- You didn't see the flier? - No!
Maybe that's because you never got it.
I submit to you...the flier...
which never made it onto the refrigerator,
where you are supposed to put things,
because it wa-a-a-s....
It...was...
Yes.
Lily, your daddy may have missed the
parade,
but he was all over Halloween.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry, daddy.
I'm sorry, too.
I got my win.
Trials would be a whole lot easier
if juries were made up of
7-year-old girls, like Lily.
And Cam.
I know it's not the point,
but we totally would've won.
Might want to leave that out of your
apology.
Howdy!
Hey, Ronnie. What's up?
Ronnie, hi. Um, I was looking for Amber.
Oh, she's inside.
No, I ain't!
Knock it off, Amber!
Amber, hi.
Um, listen, I wanted to apologize.
I had no idea about your history,
and I was being insensitive,
so I was hoping we could start over.
That's really sweet.
Almost makes me feel bad for making the
whole thing up.
What?!
Trick!
She never been to a nuthouse.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【988】-
Modern.Family.S06E06
No!
Yeah, I ain't crazy.
I mean, I've been to rehab a few times,
but that was just for paid vacation.
You lied just to make me feel bad?
No, no -- we lied
so that we could win with our zombie house
o' whores!
That is so messed up.
Did you say "Whores," Or --
No, no. It ain't messed up.
The saying is "Trick or treat."
This is the trick part.
Our yard's full o' dead whores.
You got a santa.
Yep -- "Whores." I heard it again.
Why are we not talking about this?
There will come a day when you will pay for
this.
You won't know when,
and you won't know how,
but you will feel it.
That chick is scary.
Thank you.
You have no idea.
You know, they just make it impossible to
find him.
It's cruel and inappropriate.
It just sets children up to fail,
and it destroys their self-esteem.
- Right there. - Is he there?
Is -- where --
Where did she point? Where did she p--
Now I look like Rod Stewart.
Thanks a lot.
I have a head for business and a bod for
sin.
Yes, you do.
Ew! This is a common area!

Modern.Family.S06E07
I just love that we're here.
Is there anything more important than clean
water
in developing countries?
Or a clean glass in this one?
It that Anne Gibbs, the lady from Channel
12 News?
Oh, my God! It's Anne Gibbs! Oh, I love her!
That reaction would've
been big if it was Anne Hathaway.
Oh, she is hiding quite a figure behind that
desk.
Okay, what's going on with you and Anne
Gibbs?
Come on. We gotta go say hi to her.
Okay, we're doing this.
I'm sorry.
I am such a fan.
I was so moved by that story you did
about the gymnast with the hump.
- You wanna hear something crazy? - Yeah.
He just got a scholarship to Notre Dame.
No! Oh, my gosh!
You probably get this all the time,
but I have a story for you.
I represent some homeless people
in a case against a corporation that pays
them slave wages.
- Interesting. - Yes.
How long has this been going on?
Since 2012.
We're just trying to shine a light
on how awful they're being.
Truly awful.
Are you working on this, too?
Oh, gosh. No, no.
I'm just this one's husband.
I'm a high school football coach.
Cameron Tucker.
Yes. Oh, god. I'm so embarrassed.
Mitchell Pritchett. How are you?
- Really? - So --
You are an openly gay high school football
coach?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【989】-
Modern.Family.S06E07
I know, I know. You hear "football coach,"
and you expect to meet somebody
that screams John Wayne.
Meanwhile, the only time I've screamed the
duke
is when we argue over who's the cutest on
"Downton Abbey."
Poor Mitchell. He's had to hear that a
hundred times.
I have. I have.
So these homeless people are making a
dollar an hour --
Are there a lot of openly gay coaches?
Oh, if the adult film industry's to be
believed,
there all are.
It's in, you know,
clear violations Of the federal fair labor
standards act --
Has anyone ever approached you for a news
segment?
On me?! Oh, my Gosh. No. I don't...
I don't think I'm interesting enough
to do a news segment on.
I mean, what would a reporter even say about
me?
That I'm a high school football coach
with an undefeated record who's tackling
stereotypes?
That on my team, prejudice is considered
out of bounds?
That we're blitzing bigotry, kicking
intolerance,
- and beating... - metaphors to death?
You guys wanna see something really cool?
Is it behind that old boat?
This is one of the most famous warships of
all time.
The "U.S.S. Constitution."
Stayed in active duty 84 years.
No enemy managed to board her.
10 seconds, she's already bored me.
That's your Spanish tutor.
I'm gonna say it one more time.
I really think French will be a better fit
for me.

Your name is
Manuel Alberto Javier Alejandro Delgado.
How is French a better fit for you?
Okay, I'm pretty sure
you threw in a name I've never heard before.
Hello.
AH, AH! En Espagnol, por favor.
Okay, let's take it down a nacho.
Hola, Diego!
You must be Mr. Pritchett.
Jay. And I'm just glad you're here.
Gloria tried to tutor Manny.
There was less yelling in "The Miracle
Worker."
Because he wasn't even trying.
I'm sorry, but Spanish
just doesn't seem natural to me.
I don't like the way it hits my ear.
What could be more natural than your
mother's tongue in your ear?,
Do you happen to know a good English tutor?
Hey, honey!
Still studying for that test?
I can't. I have to study.
What time did you get to bed?
Sure thing.
Claire, I think something's up with Alex.
I don't know. Some kind of chicken.
Why is no one listening to me?
Come here.
I don't think she's getting enough sleep.
Look at her. She's like a human roomba.
Alex will be fine.
This is our real problem.
When I left for work this morning,
she was sitting on the couch, flipping
through magazines.
She's 20. She's finding herself.
How hard can it be? She hasn't moved.
Well, what were you doing at 20?
Me?
I was getting a 4.0 in college.
I was working 25 hours a week.
I was volunteering at a suicide hotline.
Get off the couch!
Do something with your life!
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【990】-
Modern.Family.S06E07
Was it an assisted suicide hotline?
Your father's home...
from work.
Already? Must be nice.
Daddy, my doll won't stop crying.
Oh, honey, did you try the "Off" switch?
Of course I tried the "Off" switch!
Lily!
Sorry I snapped.
She's been like this all d.
There you go.
That never worked on you.
So, good news.
Anne Gibbs actually wants to do a news
segment on me!
What?!
Great news, Cam.
Isn't that exciting?
They're gonna send a whole team Friday,
follow me around with a camera crew,
then interview me at the homecoming games.
So listen, I kinda have a big favor to ask.
Uh, w--okay.
Traditionally, the varsity coach and his
wife
cook a big pancake breakfast
for the football team for homecoming.
I do not like where this is going.
Well, let me finish.
Okay, continue.
How would you feel
if you and I cooked a big pancake breakfast
for the varsity football team?
Did you think that that was a twist?
Mitchell, please.
No!
No, unless you can convince Tom Brady to
spend the night,
I am not making breakfast for any football
players.
He -- he is a football player, right?
Yes. It's the perfect reference.
But, Mitchell, this is important.
So is my job. I have closing arguments on
Friday.
I promise you'll be out by 9:00.
 Modern.Family.S06E07
I just wanna show the world Sometimes a boy might be a good
that we're as supportive and respectful distraction?
as any straight couple. I remember a certain young lady
That's an incredibly manipulative thing to was pretty addicted to "Ms. Pac-man"
say. until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Well, that's not how I meant it. Only because you were wearing a feather
And that hurts my feelings. earring.
Oh, my God. This is so lame and transparent. It wasn't a feather.
Busted. You know, you're so much smarter It was a dream catcher.
than me. And it worked.
Oh, I wish I knew where your "off" switch Well, we're done.
was. One more session this week,
Well, you know where my "on" switch is. and Manny will be ready for his test.
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Remember me? Ay, qué bueno.
Andy. Of course. Come on in. Gracias!
You are Joe's babysitter, right? What are they saying?
Uh, "manny" is what we call ourselves If I knew, he wouldn't be here.
in the child care community. Where have you been?
But it's confusing in that house I've been cooking pancakes by myself for
because of their son Manny. an hour.
So I've been trying to get traction with What can I do to help?
"bro-pair." Uh, you can crack some eggs over there.
Hey, Andy. You know what?
Hey, Sir...uh, Mr. Dunphy. I think whisking might read better.
Sorry. I didn't...see you. What are you doing? There's nothing in
Andy, please. "Sir Mr. Dunphy" is my there.
british name. Don, can you tell there's nothing in here?
Oh, my... you did not just think of that! All good.
Yes! Don's all good.
Andy, what can we do for ya? So we're getting some extra footage.
I'm actually here -- What we call "b-roll."
Hey, Andy. Anne wants to see me help cook.
Come on. I wanna see you help cook.
He's here for you? I thought this was something that we were
Yeah. We're just gonna be in the basement. doing together.
So good to see you guys. Yes, you're right. Okay, let's do this.
I don't know why I just did that. Sorry.
What was that?! That's perfect. I'm happy.
Don't be offended. Don's happy.
In many cultures, it's customary to bow I'm not happy.
only to the man. What's up, guys!?
Phil. Haley, Andy -- is that a thing? Ah, Senor Pritchett.
Oh. I don't know. Please, join us.
Well, I hope not. Nice as it is for you to invite me to swim
Haley is at a very low point in her life. in my own pool,
It's the last thing she needs right now. I thought I was paying you to teach Manny

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【991】-

Spanish.
Manny's done with his lesson.
But Diego here is also a swim instructor,
So he's going to teach Joe to swim.
Must be a good teacher
if Joe doesn't have to be here for it.
Manny's putting him in his swimming diaper.
There they are!
Let's go swim!
Come here.
You know, after you showed us that cool
model,
I started reading up on the "U.S.S.
Constitution."
Quite a ship in its day.
En, of course you invented steam ships.
Your old sailing frigates just couldn't
compete
with those younger, faster,
steamier models in the water.
You know, it's too bad
you don't spend as much time
on your spanish homework as you do online
finding passive-aggressive ways
of using my hobbies against me.
What's this?
Permission slip.
Lets me transfer into French.
Only one parent signature required.
Come on, Jay. I can't take it anymore. I
quit.
You're already starting to sound French.
Honey, I'm getting worried about Alex.
I don't think she slept again last night.
It's like the third night in a row.
I thought you were gonna set your alarm and
check on her?
Stupid thing never went off.
I'm sure Alex slept.
I don't know.
She's sitting at her desk, too tired to move
her eyeballs.
She's reading her book like this.
Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
That's it.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【992】-
Modern.Family.S06E07
Alex is gonna be fine.
That's the one I'm worried about.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
I can't believe I just went power-walking
with her skirt on my head.
Haley, honey, I wanted to talk to you
about this whole thing with Andy.
What's there to talk about?
Well, I'm concerned that it is distracting
you
from what's really important.
Oh, mom, there's nothing to worry about.
You know, it's just sex.
What?
Purely physical. It's really just a
stress-reliever.
I am not having sex with Andy. We're just
friends.
I'm helping him prep for a job interview
that he doesn't want anybody to know about.
The whole sex thing was the fastest way
to end the conversation with my mother.
Uh, are there any more questions?
- No. - Okay, cool.
Oh, that's him.
Hey! Oh, you look so good!
Come inside. Are you ready?
Yeah. I saw some stuff online,
so I got a couple new things I wanna try
out.
Let's do it!
...which proves, Anne,
you can score with a gay coach.,
Wait. Uh, can I try that again?
No, that was great.
Um, how does your spouse feel about you
coaching?
Oh, this one?
He's my rock. He's...
He's my Connie Britton.
Your...your Connie Britton?
Mrs. Coach on "Friday Night Lights."
Can I talk to you for a second?
Uh, Don, Anne? Can we, uh...
Sure.
Yeah, what's up?

Do you have any idea
how insulting you've been to me all
morning?
What, because I just compared you to Connie
Britton?
Mitchell, she was an equal to coach Taylor.
You'd know that if you saw the show.
Well, I guess I missed it
because "The Cam show" was always on.
Really? You're not gonna let me have my
moment here?
It is always your moment,
and usually I-I'm fine with that.
But the other night,
I was trying to get them to cover my case,
and you -- you made it all about you.
I did not. That is unfair.
I have always supported your job
and know how important it is.
Really? What's my new case about?
The only one I was talking about for three
weeks.
People...
who need people.
Are they lucky, Cam?
Are they the luckiest people in the world?
Daddy, she won't stop crying again.
One second, honey.
Look, Cam, I love you very much,
but I resent the way you're treating me
today.
Okay, I am not some 1950s housewife. I...
Did you sign something
so that Manny could switch to French?
I did.
You knew that I wanted him to learn Spanish.
I also know you can't force a kid
to be interested in something that he's
not.
That's why I have a picture
of Mitchell and his prom date shaking
hands.
It would be nice for someone to care
what I think for a change.
You should also know that I hired a new
swimming instructor.
第 5 页 共 8 页
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Modern.Family.S06E07
But don't worry.
She's got the same broad shoulders plus a
mustache.
So all this is because you're jealous?
I can't believe that you're being so...
in...fer...ur--
What is the word?
- Selfish. Pigheaded. - Really?
Her words, not mine.
Do you know how frustrating it is
to have to translate everything in my head
before I say it?
To have people laugh in my face
because I'm struggling to find the words?
You should try talking in my shoes for one
mile!
I think you meant --
I know what I meant to mean.
Do you even know how smart I am in Spanish?
Of course you don't.
For once, it would be nice to speak to
someone
in my own language in my own home.
Whatever the Spanish word
is for "women," Am I right?
- Mother nature! - Cheez-its!
Andy. I did not know you were there.
Sorry. Stupid little cat feet.
I'm not sure where Haley is.
Actually, Mr. Dunphy, I was hoping I could
speak with you.
Oh, yeah? What can I do for ya?
Mr. Dunphy,
I love being a manny,
but I can't do it forever.
I just didn't know what the next chapter
should be,
but then I met a guy named Phil Dunphy.
- What? - A guy who loves what he does,
and...
Yeah. A guy who provided all this for his
family.
And then I realized,
a career in real estate is what I want.
And I was hoping I could...
learn from the best.

Skip woosnum?
Um, I can put in a call.
- He doesn't really get back -- - No.
You.
Andy, I'm -- I'm so flattered.
I'm, uh,
I'm just not in the market for an assistant
right now.
Yeah.
Stupid. That was stupid to even ask.
Thank you so much for your time.
Lesson number one -- never take "No" for
an answer!
Now make me buy you.
Okay.
Uh, I'm a hard worker, I am very clean,
I am eager to please,
I take super quick bathroom breaks,
and I will never, ever...
Oh! I'm blanking on the verb!
W-uh... when you give up on something?
Quit?
I had to ask
because I don't know the meaning of the
word.
Nice!
What's going on here?
I'm introducing you to my new assistant.
Oh, my ribs!
Mr. Dunphy, thank you so much.
I will not disappoint you.
Andy, do you think this is a great idea,
considering that you and Haley are...
You know.
Doing it.
- Mother nature! - Cheez-its!
No.We were just helping each other
get ready for job interviews.
There is nothing inappropriate happening
between me and your daughter.
Haley has a job interview?
That's where she is right now.
With who?
Gavin Sinclair.
The big-time stylist to the stars?
He's the one that slapped Katie Couric.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【994】-
Modern.Family.S06E07
Our little girl's gonna be okay after all!
All right! What'd I tell ya?
One thing about our girl -- she's a fighter.
Hello. I have an appointment to see Gavin
Sinclair.
Not today. He's in a mood.
'kay!
I felt awful after that pancake breakfast,
and not just because Mitchell undercooked
the bacon.
I hated that I didn't know what his case
was about.
So I popped by the courtroom on the way to
the game.
These people preyed on the poorest members
of society --
Those who are unable to defend themselves.
They were treated with disrespect.
He was amazing!
And he wasn't doing any of it for himself.
He was just trying to help those in need.
Can you imagine being robbed of your basic
rights
and a living wage?
And after all those years of Mitchell
supporting me,
I was so happy to see all eyes on him.
It was his moment.
It's unfathomable.
But what this case...
As I was saying,
what this case is about is dignity --
the dignity of those...
And we need to take these people
and we need to get them back...
Listen, I'm sorry I let Manny switch over
to French
without consulting you.
I didn't think how it must be for you
having to speak English all the time.
You have no idea.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I hired
the tutor back.
Manny's not gonna like that.
He's too much into his French thing.
The tutor's not for Manny. It's for me.

Ay, Jay, I love it!
Now you sound like the stupid one!
It's me. I'm back.
Why?
I made a pact with a friend of mine,
and I am not leaving this office
until I meet with Gavin Sinclair.
I don't care what's on your vision board.
You're not getting in there.
So if you could just...
I'm insanely busy.
Nikki, thank God you're here.
Peel this orange for me.
Mr. Sinclair, it's Haley Dunphy.
I was supposed to see you for the assistant
job.
I have been studying your work,
and I have to say
the looks that you did for New York fashion
week
- put you -- - Ah! I'm really too busy right
now.
But I drove all the way down here.
We had an appointment!
Yeah, I looked at your blog.
It's a little too cutesy for me.
I need someone with edge.
I have edge.
You really don't.
You are literally the most wide-eyed person
I've ever seen.
You have the face of a cartoon lamb.
Thanks for coming by, though.
What is that? I wanted the peel.
I think it's weird you don't like cutesy
Considering half your clients at the
grammys looked like
they just stepped out of a my little pony
fever dream.
That's good. But not at me.
Never at me.
Nikki, stop.
There are five things wrong with Nikki's
outfit.
What are they?
Uh, she's standing right there.
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I'm dressed better than she is.
The tank gives you a uniboob.
The watch is too big.
The harem pants, the wedge boots,
and come on, that belt?
The '90s have been out for three years.
And that's five.
Now should I do you?
Victoire! C'est magnifique!
Uh, excuse me, young man.
Was it coach Tucker's openness
that gave you the courage to come out?
What?
- Hey, you! - Come here.
Court ran a little late,
but I got to see you win.
- Congratulations. - Thank you!
Are you wearing makeup?
Oh, well, just on my face
And my ears and my neck and my hands, yeah.
Okay, so listen. About this morning --
Uh, coach Tucker, coach Tucker.
Can we get a few words on your big win?
Oh, um, I-I need to do this.
Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah, it's fine.
So tell me, coach,
how does this victory feel?
Well, it feels great.
Obviously, I feel like the belle of the
football.
Don liked that one. Don's laughing.
It's pretty groundbreaking how this school
has embraced you.
Well, I'm grateful to this school, you
know,
and the kids and the parents.
But, um, you know, I gotta say, I'm most
grateful for --
for this guy right here, my husband.
Uh, Mitchell. Mitchell Pritchett.
He's an attorney
who is the voice for people without one.
He is a-a real hero...
who doesn't get the credit he deserves.
Today, I went down and I watched him in the
courtroom.
 Modern.Family.S06E07
I knew that was you. Claire?
I recognized your ringtone. The words on the page are vibrating,
I'm building to something. and I can't make them stop.
You know, yeah, I get a lot of attention, I forgot how to read!
you know, coaching this game. Alex, oh, my god.
But this man right here Read it to me, mommy?
quietly defends the rights Baby, you're exhausted
of real people with real problems. and you need to go to sleep right now.
Homeless people forced to get jobs. Come with me. Come with me.
No, that's not it. Yes, you were wrong about everything!
That's not it, but it was so close. "'kay"?
Yes, I am standing here Who says "'kay"?!
boldly abolishing gay stereotypes. You're so stupid!
But... Go! Go around!
My makeup's running, isn't it? Go around!
I did it! I got the job! I'm not going anywhere!
Really? I'm not going anywhere!
- Honey, I'm so proud! - Thank you! I am not going anywhere!
Never doubted you. I'm not going anywhere.
So great. So great. I'm not...going...anywhere.
Sweetheart! Mr. Gavin Sinclair, I'm not going anywhere.
I know! It was such a roller coaster! You're about to see me.
The receptionist was so mean, I'm gonna show you I'm not going anywhere!
and I went and I cried in my car. I'm not going anywhere.
And I was about to leave,
but I remembered
how brave you were talking to my dad,
so I got back in there!
And I did that thing you said about not
throwing up.
Oh, my god.
I guess some boys are a good distraction.
Yeah, he could be exactly what she needs
right now.
And I don't know about you,
but I'm sensing a little heat over here.
Oh, my god! I'm so happy for you!
Oh, this is so great.
And thanks to you, Mr. Dunphy,
I can finally save up and get Beth that
engagement ring.
Who's Beth?
His girlfriend.
So you two really aren't together?
- No. - No.
She's, like, really obsessed with us.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【996】-

Modern.Family.S06E08
You put the giblets in a pan?
Yes, chef.
Thanks, a boy named sous...chef.,
I don't get it, but I trust you.
All right, Philip,
tuck the wing tips under the body of the
bird
and place in a roasting pan.
As you wish, my crumpet.
I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Huge step for Claire to trust me with this.
But I have help -- this new app.
It's, uh, international super chef Nigella
Lawson.
I can even program my name,
so it's like she's right here
guiding my every move with that sultry
British voice.
I listened to her meringue instructions
in the car last week.
There was so much
whipping and beating I had to pull over.
- How's it going in here? - Great.
You just take advantage of your first
Thanksgiving
not sweating over a hot stove
and having to sit down to dinner
all gross and grumpy and exhausted.
Yeah, this year, you can finally be in a
good mood.
Well, I was until this little riff.
Mom and Jay sent a Thanksgiving greeting
from Mexico.
I didn't even know Mexico had Thanksgiving.
I know. I said the same thing.
God, we're really gonna miss Alex.
I still don't get why you passed up a free
trip.
Because they're meeting 23 Colombians
who call my mom "La Tranquila" -- the quiet
one.
Hola, familia!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy birthday tomorrow, Luke!
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Modern.Family.S06E08
Yeah, Luke, we didn't forget about you.
We got you a great present here in Mexico.
See you when we get back.
Bye! Bye-bye!
See you soon!
And cut.
Well, I think we sold that.
The Colombians' trip got canceled
because a mudslide took out the runway at
the local airport.
That thing's made of dirt.
Are we sure it didn't just rain?
So we never left,
and we could have gone to Phil and Claire's,
but...
We decided to enjoy our own quiet,
stress-free holiday dinner at home with no
one the wiser.
We're having a little steak-cation,
only with turkey instead of the steak.
Stay-cation.
- What did I say? - "Steak-cation."
It's stay-cation.
Oh, so, this is how you want to start
the quiet, stress-free dinner, with an
English lesson?
They call her "La Tranquila."
We really need to remember to return this
backpack to Lily.
Oh, and, honey,
don't forget Mitchell hates raisins.
So when you're making the stuffing, you
can't put any --
I know how hard it is for you to hand over
the reins,
but you have got to trust me.
I do trust you.
It's just easy to forget the little things.
I'm not going to forget anything.
Now go.
You two need to run to the grocery store.
I forgot green beans, yams, and cranberry
sauce.
What's in the crib?
What crib? You're a crib.
Shouldn't you be studying?

Well, I'm done with my midterms.
I finished my college essay.
And I was just about to go on a bike ride.
Why are you acting so guilty?
You're guilty.
How did I ever get to be a champion debater?
It is a backup turkey.
I bought it in case your father's doesn't
work out,
which I hope it does.
But if it doesn't,
this could save him a lot of embarrassment.
Please don't tell him.
He would die if he thought I didn't trust
him.
Interesting.
I mean, I'm going off to college soon.
All of a sudden,
you're keeping something warm in my old
crib.
Here you go, sweetie. You'll like this
better.
Oh, my gosh. You got to be kidding me.
Not this again.
What? She said her eggs were watery,
so I made her a waffle.
Please don't make a thing out of it.
I've seen you send food back.
Remember that time in Miami?
Okay, first of all, this isn't a
restaurant.
Secondly, my bisque had a tooth in it.
It was a shell.
There was a filling in it.
Ugh, I don't feel like waffles.
Can you make me cereal?
- Sure. - Absolutely not.
Absolutely not, Lily.
You are gonna finish that waffle,
or you're not gonna have breakfast.
Can I at least eat it in front of the TV?
- Yes. - No.
Thanks, daddy.
Mean daddy.
Okay, okay.
You give in to her every whim, and I'm mean
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【998】-
Modern.Family.S06E08
daddy.
- That's not true. - Isn't it?
What's this?
This is how she sees us.
I'm a screaming demon,
and you're just a-smilin' and a-bakin'.
And, incidentally,
do we really think this is
refrigerator-worthy?
She put it up yesterday after you made her
clean her room.
And after you made her brownies.
She is gonna turn into a willful, fat little
girl
unless you start getting tough with her,
because right now you're her pal,
and I'm just the pitchfork-wielding
she-devil.
It lined up, didn't it?
Yeah, we really got lucky with you holding
that fork.
Long story short.
If you pour it, it's cranberry sauce.
But I'm sorry, if you slice it,
it's cranberry jelly.
I'm literally driving as fast as this car
can go.
Is that a sock in your sleeve?
I did laundry at your house this morning,
and you have no dryer sheets.
I like staying with you,
but it's basically camping.
I'm -- I'm so sorry!
I didn't feel anything.
I mean, of -- of course I felt something,
and you do have them -- I mean --
Why didn't you honk?!,
Wouldn't that have just made it worse?
Now, Philip,
rub the breasts and thighs with olive oil.
I'm a little new at this, but okay.
Before stuffing the bird,
you may want to remove your jewelry.
You mean take off my wedding ring?
You bad, bad girl.
Who are you talking to?

I was -- nothing. Who?
I'm not gonna throw away 20 years of --
Is the salad burning?
Here's everything,
including your cranberry so-called sauce.
That was fast.
I was driving 70 miles an hour.
Now, Philip, cover the breast and legs
with a buttered cheesecloth.
That thing's a little creepy.
You're a little creepy.
I don't love being the person
who hides in her garage with her secret crib
turkey,
but it's not always fun being the backstop.
You're telling me.
Until you get home from work every day,
my main job is keeping Luke alive.
I actually caught him on the treadmill with
scissors.
Do you ever feel jealous of them?
You do, too?
Oh, yeah, all the time.
Please, while you and I are busy being
responsible,
thing one and thing two are off having so
much fun.
Ple-- "Billion-dollar ideas"?
The real head scratcher "T.M."
Now, that -- that is a classic.
Look at this.
Isn't that the old T-shirt cannon that dad
modified for Luke
to take on his paper route?
Yeah, it's a fun idea, huh?
You know, there's no reason you and I can't
relax a little
and have as much fun as they do.
I'm in.
Let's be more like those idiots.
Yeah. Con-garage-ulations.
Nailed it.
What's going on in here?
Um, n-nothing. Nothing.
We -- it's not what it looks like.
- Really? - No.
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Modern.Family.S06E08
'Cause what it looks like
is me taking over the cooking duties
has allowed my girls here
to let down their hair and have fun for a
change.
Looks like you even dug out the old
news-zooka.
Oh, no!
Oh, my god! Again?!
I-it was an accident!
Once is an accident, perv.
Honey, come on. It's time to go.
I'm ready.
Oh, no, sweetie,
We bought you that pretty new Thanksgiving
dress.
But I want to wear this.
She wants to wear that, Cameron.
Thoughts?
Well, Lily, uh, we're all dressed up.
You don't want to be disrespectful, do you?
I should be able to wear what I want.
Okay, well, sweetie, listen,
I'm afraid we can't leave until you put that
dress on.
Okay.
You see?
As much as you want me to yell,
I have a more effective method.
When you say to a child,
"I will treat you with dignity and
respect,"
that child will, in turn, say to you --
I left the tag on. This is going back
Monday.
Oh, and right in the middle of getting up
on such a high, high horse.
Okay, Lily.
You said put it on.
Well, it's on. Let's go.
We cannot let her run the show like this.
Okay, trust me, I have another plan.
Really? Because right now,
our child's walking around like a
Vietnamese Annie Hall.,
Mitchell, I will make it clear that she is

not the boss.
Okay, well, no, no, we can't go out now.
Okay, where did she learn that annoying
habit?
Claire's been picking her up from
meditation Mondays.
The little bird's coming along nicely.
Hey, this could be our new Thanksgiving
tradition.
What, hiding from our own family?
Hey, if the Indians hid a little bit more,
they might still have this country.
No, just taking a break from each other.
God knows I couldn't love them more,
but the Kennedys didn't get together as
much as this family.
- So you don't feel guilty? - For what?
Not sharing this 30-year-old scotch with
Phil?
He mixes it with 7up, Gloria.
It's a hate crime.
Let's hope the power isn't out here, too.
It looks fine. The porch light's on.
Turkey coming through!
They moved the damn dinner here.
Thank you for cracking the code.
Pop the turkey in the oven, Luke.
Lost a little cooking time, but if we crank
it to 550,
dinner should be on the table as scheduled.
Yes, chef.
So, how's it going in here?
Minor little speed bump, but we're back on
track.
You just relax.
Honey, I trust you completely.
You've got your sweaty little helper,
and mama has hers.
Thanks.
So, how long until you sneak home
and get the backup turkey?
Have a little faith.
You're really trusting dad to do this?
In me.
It's in Lily's backpack in the trunk of the
car.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1000】-
Modern.Family.S06E08
This is crazy.
Let's just go downstairs and tell them that
we're here.
Are you kidding?
We sent them a video from Mexico.
We lied to their faces.
You think we can just go downstairs
and throw money at this and make it go away?
I'm asking you. Do you think that would
work?
I left my purse down there, and Manny knows
that I would never leave town without it.
My wallet and keys are on the bar.
And the cigar I was just smoking.
Oh, maybe you're right.
Come on, everybody! Outside for picture
time!
I knew in my heart you couldn't be right.
I'm gonna grab a scotch.
Anyone know where Jay keeps the 7up?
Okay.
Phil, stay calm.
Yes, the trip over here killed the
casserole.
The biscuits are hard.
The gravy has a skin on it like a
sharecropper's neck.
Are your onions in hot water, Philip?
Yes, I would say they are!
Chef, she's just trying to help.
You're right. It's not over.
We can still put a very nice meal...
I left the centerpiece in the trunk.
It's gonna get all wilted.
Where you going?
- Everything okay in there? - Peachy.
I left the centerpiece in the trunk.
Where are you going?
I was gonna go get some ice.
Well, that's okay. I can go get it for you.
Great. I can get your centerpiece.
I'll leave your ice right there on that
table.
Which is where I will leave your
centerpiece.
Okay, then.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
So, I want to apologize for flipping out
before.
Of course you're not a perv.
- Come here. - No, it's okay.
- No, I couldn't. - Come here.
It's okay.
What is that?
- Oh, nothing. - No.
For a second, it looked like...
Oh, my God!
You have my underwear?!
No. Okay, well, yes,
but it's not what you're thinking.
Uh, they were in my pants.
What is wrong with you?!
I know you have a crush on me,
but this is, like, deep freak!
No, I used to have a crush on you,
but not anymore.
This is all just bad luck.
Just take your panties and go.
Re-creating the quaint part of the pilgrim
story
where they trade underwear for corn?
Oh, my God.
This is not that terrible.
True. We have drinks.
Joe's playing with his "H."
Everybody's happy.
Sí.
And why are we going into my dad's bedroom?
You've got to be kidding me.
Lily thinks she can wear whatever she
wants,
so what if we --
No, no, I am not putting on
one of my dad's hideous leisure suits.
That is not the plan. Relax.
Do you remember last year when we picked
her up
from that family dinner at Claire's?
We were dressed as Cagney and Lacey
for Pepper's '80s Ladies Party, and she
flipped out.
You're not putting on one of Gloria's
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1001】-
Modern.Family.S06E08
dresses.
If you would simply just let me finish,
- that is not the plan. - Okay, I'm sorry.
We're both putting on dresses.
No, I am not doing this.
Mitchell, it won't have any impact if I do
it by myself.
I promise if it doesn't work, we'll do it
your way.
You know, the only part of this I like
is getting to see this closet.
Mitchell, focus on the goal.
You know she only dresses the way
she does to get attention.
Maybe it was cute a few years ago,
but she's just getting too old for this.
You know what she needs is a good spank on
the bottom.
No, that's your father's way.
You told them about that?
I'm telling you, if I had this closet,
I never would have come out.
Well, you can come back later.
Let's just get this over with.
If those mean girls have something to say
to me,
they should say it to my face.
One problem at a time.
You heard them. They're coming back.
We've got to get out of here.
And go where?
We'll sneak down the back stairs.
We'll run around to the front porch
and pretend we cut our trip short to be with
everybody.
Now, you grab your coat, get the diaper bag.
I'll grab a couple of suitcases, and I'll
meet you there.
Hey, sweetie, what are you reading?
What are you wearing?
Well, I think it's Dolce & Gabbana.
She asked "What," not "Who."
Do you see red carpet?
Oh, well, we're just wearing dresses
over our boy clothes, like you.
Oh, no, I forgot.

Us wearing dresses upsets you, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does.
I don't want to make her uncomfortable,
but we should be able to wear whatever we
want.
what to do, what to do?
I just can't believe I slipped into one of
Gloria's dresses.
Relax. It's a maternity poncho.
Okay, we tell them we took the noon flight
out,
and, uh -- where's Joe?
I thought you were bringing him!
I'm lugging two suitcases.
Empty suitcases!
How are we gonna walk in there without...?
The little turkey!
I don't like you calling him that.
No, no, the little turkey I was cooking for
us.
It's still in the oven.
Okay.
I'll say I have to put Joe down for a nap,
And you get rid of the turkey.
I'm just saying you get very mad because
I forgot Joe,
but when it comes to turkey --
I don't have time for thess.
No, if it really bothers Lily,
then we should change, Cam,
and then maybe Lily will also consider --
Hola, family!
We came back early because we miss you.
We saw the cars.
What, did you move the party here?
Yes! Hello!
So, hey, d-dad, listen,
the reason that we're wearing these
dresses...
Do what you got to do.
I got to get this little guy up to bed
because that plane ride really knocked him
out.
Oh, my God!
He's fine. See? Not crying.
That's not necessarily a good thing.
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-【1002】-
Modern.Family.S06E08
And I'm gonna take the luggage to the
laundry
because Mexico is very dirty.
Dad and Gloria seem really okay
with us wearing dresses.
Yeah, like we do it every day?
Well, if it's okay with grandpa, it's okay
with me.
The cranberry sauce is okay,
and the gravy is out of the woods.
And, thanks to you,
those baby carrots are gonna pull through.
Well, they're fighters.
And now, Phillip, for the last time,
lightly brush the thighs.
I'm gonna miss this randy little redcoat.
But it's time to cross the finish line.
No!
What?!
Cranking up the heat must have dried it up
and shrunk it!
It's tiny!
How am I supposed to feed 11 people with
this pigeon?!
Hey, dad, how's it coming?
Great!
Just some last-minute touches, and we're
good to go.
Great.
Panic in turkey town.
The backup turkey's in Lily's book bag.
Bring it to me. I'll do the rest.
I've never felt so alive.
Hey, so, I want to try and apologize again.
It's okay. It was, it was all my fault.
No, no, it was an accident.
- We're good. - Thanks.
And just to wrap things up once and for all,
some things were said in the heat of the
moment
that weren't really meant.
I know you don't think I'm a perv.
Yes, that. That.
And, and also, that thing about
you not having a crush on me anymore.
I-I promise I don't.

Oh, Manny, come on.
We're really trying to wrap things up.
I swear. I barely even look at you anymore.
Well, when did that happen?
Was it when I lightened my hair?
It washes me out, right?
Do other people feel this way?
Haley,
you are a beautiful woman who will break
many hearts
before you're done, mine among them.
You meant "hug," didn't you?
I'm, I'm sorry.
We need a smaller platter or something
that makes this look normal-sized!
How do you feel about a coaster?
Fill it in with this sandwich turkey.
It's past its sell-by date,
but I always think that's more of a
suggestion, anyway.
I'm gonna get them all loaded up on bread.
And now, Philip,
what to do with all the leftovers.
What happened to the sweet girl I
downloaded?
So, did you have it out with our daughter?
Well, you know, it's a holiday, and I...
Fine! I will handle this.
I will be the permanent bad guy in this
family
cause you're so afraid of our daughter not
liking you.
But just so you know,
I had one parent growing up who wanted to
be my friend
and another one who didn't care about that.
Guess which one is still in my life.
Delicious homemade bread?
That looks like just regular white bread.
You two seem drunk. This will soak up the
booze.
Am I?
Oh, Alex. Wait.
Lily.
Alex brought your backpack in for you.
So why don't you go ahead and take it out
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1003】-
Modern.Family.S06E08
to our car?
Maybe later.
No, Lily!
It's okay. I will take it now.
Alex, put the backpack down!
Mom!
Lily, you are not in charge of what you
wear,
of breakfast, or anything.
Now, put that backpack on and march it out
to the car!
It's too heavy.
Well, that's tough
because I'm not carrying it for you
anymore!
I like this new guy, huh?
See? I told you it was too heavy.
My gosh, what in the world is in this?!
No!
Claire, why is there a fully cooked turkey
in the backpack we left at your house?
Yes, Claire, why is there?
Could it be you made a backup
because you never trusted me with the
dinner at all?
Well, I thought there was a chance that --
What, that I'd screw everything up?
You know what? I have half a mind
to pack up the beautiful meal I made --
Dinner is served!
I-I-I don't -- I don't understand.
Does everybody get one?
I was just going to sub in my turkey
if you got in trouble, which, I mean...
Well, now you touched it,
so you, Alex, and Haley will share that one.
Dark meat for your dark, untrusting soul.
Phil!
You know, this was a brand-new backpack,
and now it's got turkey juice all up in it!
Okay, back it up, old yeller.
Okay, could we just stop?
This is Thanksgiving, for god's sake.
And not to mention that tomorrow is Luke's
birthday.
Hey, this is the suitcase with my present,

right?
You had it in the video.
No!
What the hell?!
Congratulations, Luke!
You're finally a man!
In my country, when you turn 16,
you get your turkey.
Wait, you made the video
before you decided to come back early.
Were you gonna keep the turkey in there for
four days?
It's a tradition.
How did you get that thing through customs?
It is called customs.
They...respect customs.
Wait a minute.
I know this bird.
I've been oiling these breasts all day.
This is my turkey!
Done to perfection!
Eat it, Claire!
Wait, so, how did dad's turkey
get in their suitcase?
And where did that small turkey come from?
And how did you know to come here?
Dinner was supposed to be at Claire's.
All right, all right.
It's like "The Caine Mutiny" In here!
Our vacation got canceled at the last
minute.
We decided not to say anything
because we wanted a break.
A br-- a break from what?!
From Thanksgiving craziness.
From -- from stress, from yelling,
from these two parading around in dresses.
- That was a one-time thing. - Okay, we
don't wear dresses at home.
Now, look, I get that Thanksgiving
is a big day for families
who never see each other,
but this group is together non-stop.
Look, why don't you take the suitcase
turkey home with you?
You take the backpack turkey.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1004】-
Modern.Family.S06E08
We'll order a pizza, and we'll all call it
a night.
- Fine. That sounds great. - All right. Okay,
fine.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I know I seem like the last person to say
this,
but we can't just skip Thanksgiving!
Time is going by so fast.
It seemed like only yesterday that Manny
was hot for me,
and he's not anymore.
And someday, Alex may have a boyfriend
who wants her to spend it with his family.
Okay, we probably got a little window
there.
But my point is that I love my crazy family,
and I want to spend this holiday with them.
If you want a break, we can skip Christmas.
- Fine. Settled. - Okay.
- Skip Christmas. - Okay. cool.
I already had plans to spend Christmas
in cabo with my friends.
I've got to get out of here.
Why did we eat all three turkeys?
I hope that Thanksgiving's on a Friday next
year,,
so that I can sleep through the entire
weekend.
Mom, can you take this one? I'm exhausted.
Wow, you really must be.
Phil, give it up.
Honey, you can dance all you want,
but you're not fooling anyone.
Continue to whip vigorously, Philip,
until your meringue stiffens.
That's hilarious. I don't --
Are the cheeks turning nice and pink?
What's the problem?
Now plunge into cold water.
I was just about to suggest the same thing.
 Modern.Family.S06E09
working.
Modern.Family.S06E09 Oh, here he is.
Look what someone left in our mailbox -- In the supermarket flyer?
again. That's him pondering the pork chops?
Wait, that's like our fifth one, isn't it? What's to ponder?
It's getting kind of creepy. They're $4.59 a pound.
Oh, relax -- it's probably just from I don't understand. Why is he in this?
Victor, He's a model, mom.
that flower-delivery guy I dated. Oh, wait, wait. Your boyfriend's a model?
Who's Victor? We never heard about him. Well, how did you meet him?
Oh, because I knew There's not much crossover
you'd never let me go out with an ex-con. for a national honor society student and
Hey, maybe it's Dylan trying to win you a pork model.
back. Well, actually, it's a really long story.
So, Victor -- it's a closed door? I...
Maybe it's not a guy who's in love with Oh, well -- it's him.
Haley. Hey, hold on.
Oh, thank you. This is terrific news.
Maybe it's a guy who's obsessed with Haley I can't believe she didn't tell us about
and is getting plastic surgery to look like him.
her Oh, that's what you can't believe?
so he can replace her and live her life. What do you mean?
Luke. Phil, it is a little weird.
So they can only be for Haley? I mean, suddenly she has this boyfriend.
Of course not. She wants to show us a picture on her phone,
Haley isn't the only hottie living here. but she can't,
I washed the car in my cheer shorts the and magically he's in today's paper?
other day. I don't even want to say it. Haley.
I definitely felt eyes on me. She's making it up.
Has it ever occurred to you that those Why would she do that?
flowers could be for me? Maybe she's upset
What do you mean? that none of us thought those roses could
I mean, like, from my boyfriend. be for her.
What? Oh, and remember
You have a boyfriend? when she couldn't get a date for
And you thought my thing was crazy. homecoming?
Alex, you have a boyfriend? She said she didn't care,
You can't just drop that and ave. but I caught her crying in her room.
Honey, it is so exciting. Oh, honey, what did you say to her?
Why didn't you tell us? Oh, I-I was super late, so I didn't
Because I knew you'd get all weird really...
and ask a million stupid questions. This is sad.
What does he look like? How did you meet Alex has great news
him? and her own mother and sister don't believe
Okay, I'll show you a photo. her?
Well, I would, but now my phone's not I want to.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【1005】-

Well, I do believe her.
I'm gonna tell her to invite this boyfriend
over for dinner,
and I'll be serving a big,
old platter of "I told you so."
Oh, great.
Maybe you could also serve unicorn burgers
and magic beans,
and I'll invite my boyfriend, Bigfoot!
Still better than Dylan.
Okay. I got a surprise for you.
It better not be another baby.
Is there something fun behind the couch?
An Edgar Vanderkoff hand-crafted blanc de
blanc sofa.
It was a wedding gift to ourselves.
Plus, we're showing lily
that we trust her enough to let us have one
nice thing.
When you think about it like that,
it's really a gift for Lily. Yeah.
Okay, whoa.
We only get on this couch when we know we're
not dirty.
That's why we got her the couch.
To teach her about respect.
Legs a little wider please.
Is that a cookie in your back pocket?
- Yep. - Okay.
Bup-up-up! Hey, nice and slow.
Watching that.
But now that I got you here, what do you
think?
That you wore cargo shorts
to my middle-school graduation,
but you're putting on a bow tie
for some dog's birthday party.
It's all good fun.
The Birnbaums can't have kids.
They like to do it up big for Buster.
I had my fifth birthday in a break room
of a Der Wienerschnitzel, but good for
buster.
Why are you so cranky?
This kid at school ripped me off for 40
bucks
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1006】-
Modern.Family.S06E09
in a pyramid scheme.
Did this have something to do
with that broken plastic pyramid on your
dresser?
It looked like marble in the picture.
Oh, man.
Where were you when I was growing up?
I'd have had your dice and cigarettes
before you got to homeroom.
Where'd you go to school -- "Guys and
Dolls"?
Bright as you are, you got to smarten up.
You got to be more suspicious of people.
Stop being such a patsy.
How is this for the party?
It's my first time meeting your dog-park
friends.
Fantastic, but be careful --
Some of these guys are single in the group.
What a surprise.
Manny, we won't be late.
I left dinner for you and Joe,
but don't eat the deviled eggs that are in
the refrigerator
because they're for tomorrow's picnic.
What picnic -- somebody's cat going to
college?
No, some of Gloria's friends are getting
their green cards.
It's actually a nice group.
Yes, they're very decent, hardworking
people.
Jay met them at Mirabelle's fake wedding.
Zooboo!
No, you've already watched "Zooboo" six
times today.
We're gonna watch a classic movie
right here on the big screen.
You better let him watch his show.
If not, he's gonna freak out.
Yesterday I turned it off,
and he bit through one of the pool balls.
Hey, Mitchell.
Hi, uh, um...
B...renda.
Yes, you thought I wasn't gonna remember,

didn't you?
So, how's your first week been?
I'm getting a divorce.
Oh. God.
Um...well, I did ask, so...
It's really hard to be alone, you know?
Yeah.
Hey, you know who else who stays late is,
um, Stacey.
- 14 months. - Oh, gosh.
Well, sometimes it's good to get in and out
fast, though, huh?
We haven't had sex in 14 months.
We were married 20 years.
Well, that's a nice, round number.
Yeah.
My restless leg syndrome, like that's a
reason to leave?
Well, you know, everybody has --
Especially after all his habits and
requests!
God! I've done more paddling,
than Lewis and Clark!
Hey, Stace, you out there?
Oh, she's gone. People leave.
Well, you know, i-if there's anything
that I can do to help you --
Could I stay with you?
What's that?
So, Larry's allowed to sit on the couch and
I'm not?
Well, Larry is white.
Hey, you chose me.
Oh, uh, that's not what I meant.
- Hello? - Hey, Cam.
So, listen, you remember
my -- my new friend at work Brenda, right?
Who?
That's right -- the pretty one.
Uh, so, she and her husband are -- are going
through some problems at home,
and she was wondering
if she might be able to stay at our house.
Oh, my gosh. Yes, of course.
Oh, shoot and darn it!
I thought we had something.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1007】-
Modern.Family.S06E09
Mitchell, I know what you're doing.
Ahh, there's no way we can reschedule, huh?
Fight your instincts.
This is a chance for you to show some real
compassion.
- I need a zoloft. - Okay. Okay.
Well, I agree with all that,
but I -- I am being nice!
Okay? I -- I-I-I talked to her.
I-I asked her if there was anything I could
do to help.
But I -- I didn't mean it.
Nobody ever means it.
Mitchell, you want this growth in your
life.
That's why you asked her. You're just
scared.
No, no, it was a completely hollow offer
and --
Yeah, that -- that's right.
Okay, George and Wendy Hollow offer
dinner at 7:30. Okay, bye-bye.
You need this, and I need something nice
to write about you in our Christmas Letter.
I love you, too. Goodbye.
So...bad news, huh?
Well, only if you hate home cooking.
- You're the best! - So --
I think you got some of my zoloft.
That's okay. I could use it.
Bark Mitzvah -- what a concept.
Beagles and lox, dog briskets.,
Whoever's in charge of the wordplay, bravo.
Is this for dogs or for people?
I hope it's for people. I've had four of
them.
- Are you having fun? - Ay, yes.
Before today, I had never seen a gravy
fountain.
Oh, Gumdrop, look! Stella's here!
Everybody, let's get a picture.
Pupparazzi! How great is that?
Everybody squeeze in.
Be careful of her cysts. She'll nip you.
O-okay.
Okay, one more. Doodles blinked.
 Modern.Family.S06E09
Now, really get tight this time. sailboat.
No! No, no, no! No eating on the boat.
- Enough. Enough. - Oh, Gloria -- Gloria. No drinking on the boat.
Gloria, honey, I -- listen. All because the one time I went on the boat,
I-I know you're not a dog person. I spilled.
No, I'm okay with the dogs. - Well, guess what. Boats go like this. -
I'm just not a dog-person person. Oh, geez.
You said that this party was going to be You know?! And I'm like...
normal. Who -- who loves a thing more than a person?
It's just fun. A monster.
There's a buffet and an open bar for dogs. Have we shown you our shed?
My cousin got married on a raft. There's a shed.
I tried to play along, Jay, He knew what he was getting into when he
but -- but this is crazy. married me.
I have to go home. I'm a little messy.
Gloria, now, do you think it's fair Well, guess what, Doug!
to use the word "Crazy" about a -- Life's a little messy.
I-I'll see you at home, Gloria. Okay, my sinuses leak, my -- my ears run,
Oh, thank you so much, you guys. and I have hyperactive sweat glands, but...
God, where were you when I was You know what? I do need a refill.
looking for the perfect man? Well, I'm not surprised. She's losing a lot
Well, probably in Missouri of fluids.
at a bar called Kansas City Meats It's as if Doug was over here.
- doing the same thing. - Funny! I know. I saw that.
- Look at that smile. - What? Alec!
That's what being nice feels like. His dumb dad got transferred to dumb Africa
- I like it. - I'm proud of you. to operate on some dumb babies.
Well, I'm just letting a person So fixing their hearts is worth breaking
I barely know sleep in my home. mine?
I don't know if I'd use the word "Hero," It's kind of worth it.
But... He can do like six operations a day.
"Hero"? Yeah. I-I-I understand. I'm sorry I'm
Stop it. You're embarrassing me. lashing out.
Oh, god. I-I just really like you.
Hey, you guys have a cat? I still like you.
Um, how about I freshen up that wine, huh? You're making this worse.
Oh, no. I am good. Okay, um... Bye, Alec.
In fact, Cam, what are -- Bye, Alex.
what are we doing in the living room, here? I knew you couldn't leave without one last
You know? kiss!
Yeah, oh, you know what? We can work this out!
We haven't even given Brenda a tour of our I'm -- I'm -- I'm gonna regret that, aren't
ga-- uh, garage. I?
Our -- our gage. Uh, I was hoping you could throw this away
Oh, no. I don't like garages. for me.
That's where Doug kept his precious Yeah. Sure.

第 4 页 共 9 页

-【1008】-

So, honey, we've been talking,
and we want to meet your boyfriend.
You just missed him.
He was here?
He just left. This is his cup.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, it looks like "Alex."
His name is Alec. The "C" Just got smudged.
Honey, his name is Alec.
But the "C" Got smudged.
Yeah, um, well, why don't you just text him
and then invite him back for dinner?
I can't. He broke up with me.
Oh, no.
He's moving to Africa.
Because they need grocery models in Africa.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
They broke up.
I miss him.
Oh, don't worry.
Soon it will be like he never existed.
Okay.
Ay dios mío, Manny, what's going on with
Joe?
He's a drug addict.
After two hours of mind-liquefying
"Zooboo,"
I briefly put on a classic movie, and he
freaked out.
If he could walk better,
I'd seriously suggest a 12-step program.
Ay, no, Joe. No more "Zooboo."
Thank you.
Ay, no. Turn the big TV off.
If he sees it on, he's going to want to watch
his show.
Why are you home?
Buster's party was a bark mitzvah.
I don't know why Jay would take me to this
place.
I don't know.
Maybe this dog stuff is his way
of trying to find a common interest with
you.
It's hard.
You don't like golf or scotch
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1009】-
Modern.Family.S06E09
or Eisenhower documentaries.
It's true. I don't like Ike.
But the people in this party,
they are so obsessed with dogs.
Even the punch bowl was in the shape of a
toilet.
Well, it's not like Jay
doesn't get out of his comfort zone for you.
He's going to your green-card picnic
tomorrow.
You're right.
He even bought star-spangled sombreros for
everybody.
It's the wrong country.
He never listens, but -- but he's sweet.
You know what?
I should go back to that party.
You guys want to come?
Might as well.
They had a pretty good spread at Buster's
bris.
Okay, let's get this woman into bed
and, in the morning, out of the house as
fast as we can.
Honestly, I don't know how straight guys
do it.
Probably without those hand gestures.
So, nice bath?
the best. I'm so ready for bed.
Okay. Ooh, by the way, I left a ring in
there.
Oh, well, we'll get at it with some bleach
in the morning.
No, no, no, my wedding ring.
I just don't feel like wearing it anymore.
Oh, well, goodbye, bad memories,
hello to our guest couch, the Cloud.
That's a small cloud.
Oh, you know what? It's deceptively comfy.
I sleep on it all the time.
- Yeah, if I don't beat him to it first.
- Really?
Oh, okay. All right.
So, there you are.
- Okay. - Okay, yeah.
I'm not -- I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna
 Modern.Family.S06E09
work. as a chip to get out of that stupid picnic
No, no, this will be fine. This will be tomorrow.
fine. But now I've got no chip.
This is what I always do. It's not a big Hey, how about next time you devise a plan
deal. to avoid expressing a feeling, clue me in.
Just make this up nice for you. You can't be clued in. You're a patsy.
There we go. Okay. There was talk of an ice-cream bone?
See you in the morning. I made that up, too. Use your head!
Yeah, but my -- my head's -- Hey, honey, you alone?
Oh. What we were thinking? Do you see anyone else in here?
Here. Come on. There it is right there. Do you?
- There you go. Okay. Night-night. - Sweetheart, your father and I think we owe
Night-night. you an apology.
Hey, guys. For what?
Here's an idea. Well, this morning when we didn't think
What if I just slept on your couch in the the rose could be for you,
living room? it seemed like maybe it hurt your feelings.
I'm shaking. I guess. A little.
Why? Problem solved. I am so sorry to make you feel bad.
No, she's making the whole house shake. And it is completely believable
Hey, guys. You're back? What's going on? that you would have an admirer.
I'm sorry. I love you, and you love dog Okay.
parties. What we're worried about
So that means that I love dog parties. is that we have created an environment
You don't think it's crazy anymore? in which you feel it's necessary to...
I didn't say that. - embelli-- - fanta--
But Manny's right. - exagger-- - Oh, my god.
We should get more involved in each other's You guys don't think Alec is real?
activities. Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there
So, this was your idea? was
Well, it's sort of the foundation of any to fit in in high school.
healthy marriage, So do I. And whether you try to fit in
but I did bring it up. by saying you fought a baby bear
This is great! or by making up a boyfriend...
Well, come on. Give me a hand. You guys are so unbelievable.
We'll grab you and your mom an ice-cream You really think I'm that pathetic
bone. that I'd have to create some imaginary
I didn't do much. I just -- boyfriend?
Ruined my plan, that's all. You know what's not imaginary?
I wanted her to leave! Your feelings.
What? Okay, don't! Don't!
She was supposed to storm out of here. F.Y.I., I changed my Facebook
And after, I go home and say, status to "single"
"Maybe we should do some things about an hour ago, and guess what.
separately." I already have a date.
I was gonna use her bailing out of this You don't believe me, do you?

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【1010】-

Sweetheart, you've had two boyfriends in
30 seconds.
That practically Haley's record.
Well, he's real. His name is Teddy.
His name is...Teddy?
Yeah.
Teddy Keyes.
And what do we know about this young man?
He's new to our school.
He works at some mattress store -- Mattress
King.
And he's a bit of a bad boy.
He had a little problem with shoplifting.
He spent some time in juvie.
But, you know, he's not really my type.
He's just a rebound.
So I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why am I even talking to you guys?
Leave!
Get out!
Did you see the look in her eyes?
Like she believed everything she was
saying.
That's terrifying. Like this guy I knew in
college.
He was always telling me about these "crazy
parties"
that were "full of women."
But when I'd ask him where they were,
he'd give me a fake address.
Makes me wonder what else she's making up.
I have never met that girl she turtors in
math.
Esther Choi? Me neither.
Because she doesn't exist!
There is not an Esther Choi on earth
who needs math tutoring.
She needs help, Claire.
What do we do?
I mean, should we send her back to that
therapist?
The one we've never met?
No! Wait!
Don't open it! Move away!
It's for me! Move!
Damn. You look hot.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1011】-
Modern.Family.S06E09
The roses are from you, Teddy?
Yeah, I met a guy in juvie who works at the
cemetery.
They got flowers all over the place.
Oh, I also got you this.
Sweet. Let's go.
My other one of these cracked,
so you can use this one.
Okay.
Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy!
Teddy's real!
- Real freaky! - I'm going!
Cam, you're snoring.
What? Sorry.
Was that me?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What is she doing out here?
- Well, she has that restless leg. - Both
of them?
Oh, my gosh, get the ice cream!
What do we do? Should we wake her up?
And say what?
"Would you mind terribly getting off our
couch?
You seem to be glazing it."
Do you have a better idea?
Okay, okay, go around the back.
What am I doing? What am I doing?
We'll get this underneath her.
Once, I helped a sow give birth to nine baby
piglets
on our living room floor.
Didn't get a drop of nothin' on the
linoleum.
We're gonna get back to why the sow was in
the living room.
Lady Di's wedding. It was beautiful.
Cam, she's gonna wake up.
Oh, please, she's got enough pills in her,
she's gonna rattle like a maraca.
Roll!
Doug, no, I don't wanna.
Okay, okay, what do I do? What do I do?
You come back around this way.
No, Doug.
Now, what we're gonna do is I'll push her

this way
and pull the blanket.
Okay, I got to pull her? Okay.
I'm losing her. I'm losing her.
This could work, too. It's fine.
What -- what happened?
You were having a really bad dream,
and then you rolled right off
of our uncomfortable sofa.
I'm sorry. I-I was lonely.
I came out here,
and then I wound up waking up the whole
house.
I'm the worst houseguest in the world!
- Don't. - Don't.
Doug was right. I'm gonna die alone.
- Don't. - Don't.
Okay, come on.
Can you please be quiet?
I'm so sorry, Lily. It's all my fault.
My head hurts.
- I'm gonna get you some aspirin. - Okay.
Cam, are we terrible people?
For protecting a Vanderkoff?
He hanged himself last year.
It's not like they're making more of those.
We just rolled a bipolar divorcee
face-first onto a hardwood floor.
All to protect a couch.
It's not just a couch. Our one nice thing.
The last seven years have been about sticky
countertops
and horsy shower curtains and childproof
locks.
Do you know what's in this drawer?
I don't know what's in this drawer.
I have no idea.
Look, I know it's frustrating, all right?
But is that really a reason to choose a
thing over a person?
I mean, come on. We're no better than Doug.
I guess it's not a great example to set for
Lily.
Maybe we don't deserve one nice thing.
"And when the sun came out, all the turtles,
from Abner to Zeke, had fun at the picnic."
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1012】-
Modern.Family.S06E09
"A rainy day for turtles."
It always makes Lily feel better.
I guess she just thought that...
We do have one nice thing.
"And a beautiful rain--"
Well, we don't have to watch it die. Come
on.
Let's go, Jay!
We're supposed to be at the picnic in 20
minutes!
They've been living in a van for six years.
They can wait a little longer.
So, today, instead of watching the game,
I'll be playing lawn darts with Colombians,
thanks to you not using your brain.
Here we go -- "The Sting."
Well, someone's getting what they want
today.
You finally get to watch your precious
movie, huh?
"A classic tale about a long con."
Well, you're welcome.
Wait a minute.
"Rogues and double-crossers abound.
Who will outsmart whom?"
Son of a bitch.
You knew I was using the bark mitzvah
as a bargaining chip.
That's why you talked Gloria into coming
back --
So I couldn't weasel my way out of this
stupid picnic
and you'd get the big TV.
Well, I'm onto you now.
I was just reading off the DVD box.
I mean, can you believe
all the stuff Brenda brought for one night?
I know. Look at all this stuff over here.
Super replenishing balm?
Uh, pore-reducing booster serum?
Anti-aging buffing beads?
It must be so hard to be a girl.
I know. I know.
It really makes you worry about the world
we're sending Lily out into.
Well, there's so much pressure on girls to
 Modern.Family.S06E09
be perfect.
- You ready? - Yep.
The thing is, Cam,
all we can do is instill our beliefs in her
and hope that she makes good choices.
Calming mister?
It does feel nice to talk about it.
No, this is a calming mister.
I just bought this.
Oh, god, yes.
Wanna try it?

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1013】-

Modern.Family.S06E10
- Hi. - Evening, folks.
- Come on in. - Hi.
Wait, wait! Hang on, guys! Wait!
Don't you need to check I.D.s?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh?
Sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.
No. No, it's not for me,
and now I really need a drink.
Go on, honey. Show him your license. Go on.
- Picture! -Oh? Somebody 21 today?
- Yes. Yes. - Military gal.
Welcome, Private Dorchester.
That is the wrong one.
I am so very sorry.
- Hold on a second. - Put that away!
Yes, I'm a huge dork
for celebrating my 21st with my family,
But my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar
with me.
Or just to go to a bar.
Aw, it's so nice what you two are doing.
My mother would have never taken me out for
a drink.
Why? Was she super strict?
No, she would never see me as an adult.
Well, except when the police came to the
house.
then, she would be like,
"Gloria, you go talk to them.
"Tell them your father was here last night.
But unbutton your shirt a little bit
first."
Okay, uh, the craziest thing I heard --
and there is some competition there --
is that you think this lady treats me like
I'm an adult.
Wait, I-I do treat you like an adult.
You made me change my shirt two times before
we left the house
and force-fed me a cheese sandwich
so I wouldn't get sloppy drunk.
No, that is just one woman offering another
woman, uh,
fashion tips and advice for casual
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1014】-
Modern.Family.S06E10
drinking.
What do you know about fashion?
What do you know about casual drinking?
Okay, okay. That's funny.
See, I wouldn't have laughed
at that before 'cause you were a kid,
but now I'm gonna laugh 'cause it's funny.
Hi. Sorry that took so long.
We got trapped by those bridesmaids over
there.
- Yeah. - Hi.
That's what happens
when you bring gay guys to a straight club.
We're like catnip to drunken
bachelorette party girls.
The problem is, they can get a little bit
clingy.
But don't worry, haley. We are here for you
tonight.
To Haley's first drink, huh? Salud.
-Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh, it burns.
Thanks again for driving me, Jay.
You've arrived at your destination.
Get it? 'cause we're in a German car.
I have lived a long, full life.
I will drive us into a wall.
Tonight, while Claire gets things started
at the bar,
Jay is taking me to pick up Haley's birthday
present --
A new car!
Phil shopped around, found something very
safe
and low-maintenance with lots of good
reviews.
Till I married her.
I'm joking! You're not low-maintenance!
- I doubled down. - Oh, I heard you.
Are you sure you don't want me to go in with
you,
you know, maybe hammer out some final
details?
No. Deal's already worked out.
I'm just gonna pop my
Herbie Hancock on a few forms,,
 Modern.Family.S06E10
and I'll, uh -- I'll meet you at the bar. No. Why would you ask me that?
Great. Well, you don't need me. It's Friday night, and you're doing
Leaving Phil with a car salesman homework.
is like covering a baby goat in barbecue It's my senior year.
sauce Trust me, Lily,
and dropping it in the middle of the there'll be tons of fun Friday nights in
Serengeti. my future
Well, I-it all seems to check -- wait a with artists, dignitaries, other
minute. scientists.
This can't be right. I didn't hear "Boyfriend."
Am I allowed to sign this with a red pen? You're 0 for 3. You keep hitting me in the
Good catch, Phil. face.
One quick thing -- if you really want to Or...am I 3 for 3?
do something special for your daughter, Then what's the point of the apple?
what do you say we throw in some upgraded It keeps you from moving.
wheels? Hey, guys, do you know where babies come
How much would that cost? from?
How much do you spend a day on a cup of Lily, that's not an appropriate question.
coffee? Come on. Do you know or not?
Oh, for god's sakes! Uh, yes. The stork brings them.
- Jay? - Answer the question! This dork?
A cup of coffee? $3.50. Good stuff.
- Not you! - What are you doing here? Hey, Lily, how about something to eat?
I'm just here to make sure everything's on You want some chicken nuggets?
the up-and-up. - Okay. - All right.
Um, Daryl, this is my father-in-law, Jay So, do you know how babies are made?
Pritchett. Yep, and I'll tell you.
Jay, you don't have to be here. But first, we're gonna need a pen
It's all worked out. and a bagel.
Tell you what, why don't you throw in Why?
those upgraded wheels you love so much, Well, you're gonna need to take notes, and
lower the drive-off by $500, we call it a I'm hungry.
deal? Please.
I'm sorry, but this is the best I can do. Okay, we can't wait any longer.
Come on, Daryl. We're all businessmen here. We are dying to give you our present!
We all know there's wiggle room Guys, I said no gifts.
when we say there's no wiggle room. No, you said no gifts under $100.
So, come on. Let's see you wiggle. Oh, did I? Gimme.
I can't. I can't wiggle. It's just a little something from your
Jay, I've already wiggled him. supercool guncles.
No, trust me, he can wiggle. Okay!
I really can't. I -- There is a lot of pressure when one is a
Wiggle, Daryl. Wiggle. gay uncle...
Do you know where babies come from? Or guncle.
Lily, I'm studying. ...giving a gift to a niece as hip and chic
Are you a nerd? as Haley.

第 2 页 共 9 页

-【1015】-

In the 10 years that we've been together,
we've only missed the mark one time.
Yeah, when Claire told us what to buy,
but we learned our lesson --
Ignore Claire and trust our gay instincts.
Or "Ginstincts."
Too much.
No.
Oh, my god! So cute!
- Really? You think? - Yes! Totally! Super
cute!
Because we can return them if you don't like
them.
No, no, they're good.
I love them.
If we wore the same size,
I would have these on right now.
He's been gone a long time.
I think we hurt his feelings.
These guys don't have feelings.
He's back there making time with a
secretary,
bragging about how he's taking a couple
suckers for a ride.
Look. He was in the military.
So was Oswald.
Can you trust me
that I'm gonna get you the best deal
possible?
You know what?
Why do I keep fighting you on this?
You know what you're doing.
I'm behind you all the way.
Well, I spoke to my manager...
Yeah.
...and I can't give you the wheels or the
discount.
Frankly, he's mad
that I gave you the deal that's on the
table.
Well, thanks, Daryl. You did your best.
You, too, Jay.
I guess we'll just sign and be on our way.
- Or we can get out of here. - What?
I'm sorry, buddy.
I got a pal at the dealership closer to his
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1016】-
Modern.Family.S06E10
house.
We're gonna take our business there. Let's
go, Phil.
I think Phil wants to take the car.
Don't tell Phil what he wants.
Phil wants to leave.
Phil?
What are we doing? That was a great deal.
Wrong. Keep walking.
Jay, I need this car.
We're supposed to be at the bar in 20
minutes.
Calm down. He's not gonna let us leave the
lot.
You can order your Appletini now
and be there before the ice melts.
You better be right about this
'cause you are dead wrong about Appletinis
having ice.
Hey! Guys, hold on a second!
Yes, Daryl.
You forgot your sunglasses.
Happy?
Yeah.
These aren't my sunglasses.
I cannot believe Haley didn't like the
shoes.
Oh, come on. Of course she did.
No, she most certainly did not. She gave
us the high voice.
"They're cute!"
I know the voice.
I invented the voice. I use the voice.
Wait. So, I can't pull off mid-thigh
shorts?
No, you can.
Pull them off and give them to somebody 20
years younger.
You're so silly!
What are you two giggling about?
Haley just asked me --
Oh, you don't want to know, trust me.
No, I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. Tell me.
No, you'll just be all judgy
because you want me to be this perfect,
little angel.

Oh, honey, no, that's not true.
I know I have not done a great job of it
so far,
but I meant it when I said
I want to have a more adult relationship.
I am sure the reason
why mom and I grew apart
is that she never stopped treating me like
a child.
Plus, she was loco for Loco-puffs.
What, you do not have that cereal?
Come on. Haley, let me in.
Okay, fine, so we were laughing
because we were playing "Would you rather."
What's that?
And I said,
"Would you rather marry George Clooney
"or have the best sex of your life for just
one night
with Tom Hardy?"
- Who's that? - I don't know. Google him.
I'm going with Tom because George would
just want to talk about politics all the
time
and Tom seems like he would quietly get the
job done.
That's exactly what Haley said!
- All right! Okay! - Yeah!
Hey, you two! It's dance time!
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Yeah, somebody's hungry for a little bit
more.
We should have just told them we're
straight.
We met them because you accurately
identified the bride's perfume.
You two ready to tear it up?
Oh... Well, we're kind of doing our own
thing right now,
- but thank you. - Come on, boys!
Who are those gays?
I don't know, but I like their look.
- Do you? - Really?
Yeah.
I can feel it.
This guy's gonna get us the deal we want.
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1017】-
Modern.Family.S06E10
I had the deal we want,
and now it's gone,
just like your imaginary friend who never
worked here.
Calm down. We're already up
three hot dogs and a pair of sunglasses.
Okay, guys, I ran some numbers,
and I can't come close to the price you had
over there.
He was losing money on that car.
- Oh, my God. - Not helping.
All right, Tony, let's cut to the chase.
You either start negotiating,
or we're gonna walk back over there and take
that other deal.
Well, if you can still get it,
yeah, th-that's what I would do.
You want to dance.
I don't mind. I'll lead.
$500 down.
Sir even with the deep discounts we offer
during the hot dog-a-thon,
I have never seen a deal like that.
Hear that, Jay?
I won. What did I win?
Not a car!
I got to call that first guy back.
Tony, clock is ticking. Your move.
What's that?
Could that be from your manager, huh,
perhaps?
Uh, yeah, he says that unless you buy a car,
you can't have any more hot dogs.
Okay, so, a boy and a girl meet at a frat
party
and they both think each other is totally
hot,
so they pound their beers and head
upstairs.
Luke, stop.
She's not hearing this from you.
- Why not? - You're too immature.
I'm not immature, butt face.
And how would you say it?
Well, I would say they meet through
friends,
 Modern.Family.S06E10
and after dating for an appropriate amount We couldn't get rid of those three all
of time, night.
he takes her to a romantic french bistro. So, why don't you guys go ahead and split?
- Then maybe, if the mood is right -- - We'll take over.
maybe? - Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go.
I just bought you a big french dinner. - Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thank
That was your choice. I owe you nothing. you.
Your hand was on my knee the whole time. - We'll hold it down. - Yeah, yeah.
What was I supposed to think? Boys, where are you going?!
I was expressing affection, not signing a - You guys, don't go! - Oh, yeah, don't
contract. worry about it, ladies,
This date is over. because we are here now and we are ready
Come on, sexy. Don't be like that. to boogie.
Make a baby with me. Great!
What is going on in here?! So fun!
Nothing. We're gonna go hit some clubs now.
Can I just say that I'm glad they didn't Oh, clubs. That sounds rad.
come get us? - Cool. Super dope. - Yes.
Exactly. Who needs those clingy broads? You guys have fun.
"Broads"? Does anyone say "Broads" What happened?
anymore? Oh, my God.
I don't know. I was trying something. Stop. We're gancient.
You know, maybe they just saw us with Haley Really? Dylan?
and they were like, - Dylan? - Yep. Swear it.
"Hey, let's give those guys some space." Like you cannot believe.
Or they already knew those gays. You know what? I kind of get him now.
Or they thought those young guys - Right? - Yes!
would be better dancers than us. I always got Dylan.
No, no. Since when does young equal better? Careful. You're like my grandma.
Let's show them what we got. Grandma?
Hey, real quick... what have we got? Easy. I have stabbed closer relatives than
Um, well, I can raise the roof and do the you.
cabbage patch. I can't believe I'm talking to my mom about
Okay, and I can do the "Single lady" hand this.
thing. Honey, I told you,
Yeah, but put your neck into it you're a grown-up now.
or you just look like the queen waving. I'm gonna respect your decisions,
- Oh, good point. - Okay. Now you're ready. and let you live your life.
Okay, let's go. It's the best gift I can give to you
- Hey, ladies! - Hey, single ladies! on your 21st birthday,
Hey, guys! my friendship and unconditional
Oh, thank God. We need to tap out. acceptance.
Yeah, these chicks latched on and won't let That means so much to me right now.
go. - You know why? - Why?
You know how they are with us. Because I want to get a tattoo tonight,
No, you don't have to tell us. and I was afraid you'd say no.

第 5 页 共 9 页

-【1018】-

How could she say no
after everything she just said to you?!
How could I say no? Is there a way?
Oh, my God, mom, this is the best present
ever!
Could tonight get any better?!
Yes! She can pay for it
so you can get a really big one!
I'm so excited!
Phil, where are you? You have to get down
here
and stop Haley from getting a tattoo.
What, no, you stop her!
I can't.
I made a commitment to being her friend.
Why would you do that?
I don't know. I was trying something.
Just get down here with that car, and we
can distract her.
I'd love to,
but your dad played hardball
and we lost it.
How on earth did you let that happen?!
I don't know. Why don't you ask
the tweety bird on Haley's neck?
Oh, God, not the neck.
She's a tough-enough hire as it is.
Fine, y-you deal with the car. I'll deal
with the tattoo.
Just get here.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
No, no, no, no. I'm done listening to you.
I had a great deal.
You know how I know?
I called the salesman at the first
dealership
while you were sneaking your third hot dog,
and it already sold.
Fine. We don't need it.
Here's the plan,
we tell them Haley is really sick.
Oh, my God, you're sick.
Good thinking! I'll be sick
cause nobody cares about people they can't
see.
I researched that car online for weeks,
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1019】-
Modern.Family.S06E10
and then you swoop in with your tough-guy
swagger
to teach me a lesson about buying cars in
the 70s!
You know, this all happened because of you,
sitting there, covered in sweat and fear,
undercutting my every word.
Now, if you want a really good deal,
you park your butt out here, play on your
internet.
I'm going old-school on this sales weasel,
and I'm gonna break him in half.
Is somebody helping you?
He better be!
Yes, thank you so much.
Okay, I am technically in charge tonight,
so no one tells Lily
where babies come from.
I could not agree more.
I don't know why you Americans
are so uptight about sex.
Sex is confusing for young people,
and she doesn't need to learn from two
fuzz-staches
who barely know anything themselves.
Excuse me, you might want to
check my browser history.
I've done some research.
Oh. Well, great. I'm just gonna go vomit
forever now.
What are you guys doing?
- Nothing. -Just talking.
Not really anything.
Can we finish our conversation?
No. Lily, I'm sorry, but if you have
questions,
you're gonna have to ask your dads.
You don't know, do you?
- I do so. - Uh-huh, I know.
No, we don't. Right, guys?
- No, I guess not. - No.
That's embarrassing. Want me to tell you?
What?
Hey, that's why you asked if we knew where
babies came from --
Because you wanted to tell us?

Yeah, you're old. You should know.
But you might want to sit down for this.
I found a tattoo shop nearby.
It has four stars on Yelp, and it has
military discount.
Well, Private Dorchester reporting for
duty.
You are just so helpful tonight, Gloria.
- You know what else you should do? -
Another idea.
You should do mother-and-daughter tattoos,
like -- like, uh, two halves of a heart.
Or the moon and some stars.
Or, like, a bird and a rifle.
Oh, my God, let's do that!
I mean, not that, but, like, let's get
matching tattoos!
I want to do that with you.
- You do? - Yeah!
It could be, like, our special thing
that we have for the rest of our lives, just
us.
And no matter where we go or what we do,
when people ask us about our tattoos,
we can say that they're from
the best night of our lives together.
That is so sweet.
I mean it.
I want to do it with you. Will you?
I can't believe this, but I will. I will.
I will 'cause I love you.
- I love you, too! - I love you. I love you.
- They also have piercing! - Enough.
You know what?
I don't even need to be cool anymore.
It's like, why?
Yes, exactly. Why? Who cares.
Besides, isn't the cooler thing not caring
if you're cool?
Yeah, and if the new cool is not caring,
then I'm supercool, not that I care.
Hey, guys! Guess what. We're getting
matching tattoos.
Love it. We're doing it, too. We need this.
- Are you serious? - Are we serious?
As serious as Bert and Ernie.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1020】-
Modern.Family.S06E10
It was supposed to be such a great moment
for me as a dad.
I was gonna walk into that bar,
give my daughter her new car keys, and say,
"Honey...
Chug that drink. We're going for a spin."
Phil, put these in your purse.
I just beat your unbeatable deal by 500
Samolians.
Stick that in your internet.
- What? - This guy's a bulldog. He wore me
down.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You never
stood a chance.
Thank you, Jay.
Hop in. I'll give you a walk-through.
Okay.
Some more good news for you -- your
father-in-law
also talked me into two years of free
satellite radio.
Of course he did. The guy's always
one-upping me.
I work for months getting the best deal.
He walks in, bullies you down,
and proves what a pushover I am.
Let me just show you this horn.
Why? Did he get an upgrade on --
My father-in-law can be a jerk, too, so I
got to say something.
You got a much better deal than he got.
Some horn, huh?
What?
He came groveling into my office
and begged me to lie
and say that he got the better price,
but he paid me the difference.
How much more did he pay?
Oh, my God, he really cares what I think
about him.
- More than you know. - That is one
beautiful man.
Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh?
I love you, too!
Oh! Uh, the tattooing --
It does really hurt.

I don't think I drank enough.
So, a couple of firsts tonight.
Okay, what should we get?
It needs to be something important to us.
I-is Nelson Mandela still in jail?
I think it should be something just a little
more personal.
Okay, what about lilies for Lily?
Flowers?
Be faster just to get the word "Gay".
I hope everybody's ready! So beautiful.
Well, check it, losers.
I am all tatted up.
Ay, I'm so proud of you. I can't believe
you did this.
- I know! I know! I know! - It's very sexy.
- Very nice. - Yeah.
Well, it is sanskrit for "Mother".
And Haley's gonna get one that says
"Daughter."
Well...
Well, what?
It's just, um,
I-I'm not totally sure I'm not bailing.
No. No, you're not.
But it just looks super painful,
a-a-and this is nothing to do with you,
but I don't think I want a tattoo when I
have old skin.
Haley, if you don't get "Daughter",
it's gonna look like I did this for my
mother,
and then I'm gonna have to saw my leg off.
Or you could just add to it.
Hey, what's sanskrit for "Issues"?
Haley, come on. You're up. Let's go.
I don't know, mom. It's --
Now that I see it,
it's so permanent.
Young lady, I swear to god I will spank you.
No, my god! Is that for me?!
Happy birthday, sweetheart!
Thank you so much! I love it!
Please tell me you didn't get a tattoo.
No, but talk to mom,
'cause she's trying to make me.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1021】-
Modern.Family.S06E10
- Oh, it's so cute! Can I take it for a ride?!
- Of course!
When I grow up, I want to have kids.
You're not going anywhere. You've been
drinking tonight.
Only 'cause you made me.
What are you trying to do to her?
Well, first, I want a perfect husband...
How about you guys? Come on.
You're gonna get your tattoo, right?
We realized we don't need one to be cool.
It seems sort of desperate.
But yours is cute.
- Super cute! - Yeah.
...Someone who takes care of me.
Ay, Jay. I'm tired. I'm hungry. Take me
home.
Come on. We'll get you a big bowl of
Loco-puffs.
And then we're gonna make a baby...
oh, my gosh!
...Which is easy.
You just put eggs and tadpoles
in a glass,
and the woman has to drink it.
Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on
their bed.
After a year, she pees, and a baby comes
out.
- Oh, my god. - Okay, then.
Now that Claire has a tattoo,
I can finally get one of my own!
So, I've been trying to think of a phrase
that sums up the way I live my life.
I don't think small. I don't do things
halfway.
I'm not afraid of taking risks.
So, then, I was trying to think of
the perfect place to put it, you know?
You don't want to put it on a-a body part
that's gonna wrinkle or -- or sag too much,
and you don't want a place where
- if you wear a suit it will show. - True.
So, on my lower back,
I would put the words "Go deep,"
"Bang".
 Modern.Family.S06E10
- Think about that. - I heard it.
"Do it". No.
"All in".

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1022】-

Modern.Family.S06E11
It was an uneventful morning -- quiet.
instead of saving every episode of "The
bachelor,"
Why don't you just hit yourself
on the head with a sledgehammer?!
Dad, turn down that song!
* No can do *
The kids had a Friday off of school,
so we picked up Manny
and went to our favorite pancake place --
Relaxing.
Mitchell, hi.
What?!
Oh, have him tell Cam
I'll pick him up for racquetball in an hour.
I can't even hear him it's so loud.
- Can everybody just shut up?! - I hate it.
Sorry about that. Anyway...
Hello.
Hello. Is this Phil Dumpster?
What do you want, Gil?
Got to be kidding me. Hang on.
I need you to send a gift to mom
for her birthday from the both of us.
No, I did it last year.
I know, and I need you to do it again.
Look, I've got a conference call at 1:20.
Then Luke's tutor comes to the house,
45 sales meeting,
and I still got to get Alex to judo.
And yet you somehow found time to bitch at
me.
You really can have it all.
Honestly, just get her a stupid gift card,
you big baby!
Why does everything with him have be so
dramatic?
Why are we stopping?
Hey. Oh. Perfect.
Okay, first you berate me on the phone,
Then you show up to my office and berate
me in per--
Oh, w-what is this? I don't care for this.
We got in an accident.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1023】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
Oh, my God!
We almost got in an accident.
That seems like a really important
distinction.
There was this big truck,
and it barreled through a stop sign,
And it missed our car by inches.
Oh, my God! And everyone's okay?
Yes, just very shaken up.
But, Mitchell, I am so sorry
that I yelled at you before.
Look, I brought you the birthday card for
mom,
- And you can sign it. - Okay. Thank you.
"To our best friend."
That's a little sarcastic. It's her
birthday.
No, I mean it.
Mitchell, I almost died.
I want our mom to have a great birthday.
Oh, and we're doing this again.
- Okay. Oh, god. - Yeah.
Hi. I'll be there in a sec, yeah.
Okay, my deposition got moved up.
That's great.
So I'll just have to move everything -- you
know what?
- I'm gonna eat in the car and then- - No,
no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Give it, give it!
Do you know what I was doing right before
I almost died?
Exactly what you're doing.
Humoring a relative?
No, no, scheduling my life down to the last
minute.
I mean, look at this --
"Call New York office -- 4:17 p.m."
Do you realize that everybody
but us rounds up to the nearest five
minutes?
Today made me realize something, Mitchell.
No, I don't want to
be a 4:17 kind of person. Do you?
Yes, I do.
'cause that phone call needs to be done by

4:23
so that I am not a dead man by 4:41.
Give me my phone.
Nope. Nope. No. Give me -- Claire.
We're gonna do something together.
Yes, take the rest of the day off.
I can't do that.
Yes, you can. I did!
Yeah, 'cause you work for your father.
No, no, no, we need this, Mitchell.
We really need this.
Claire, I'm really swamped today, and I --
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease...
Stop. Just go.
Pleeeeease can we slow down?
You're chafing my wrist.
Don't pretend you're not loving this.
Okay. All right. I think I just skated
through some pee.
C-can we go back now?
No!
No, because we are not appointment-making
control freaks.
We are having fun.
You are. I'm just doing what you're making
me do.
Okay, okay, stop.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Let's go back, let's go back, let's go back.
Why? Why do we have to go back now?
Why -- oh, I get it. I get it.
You're still scared to skate through the
underpass.
What do you mean, "Still"?
What do you mean, "scared"? What underpass?
Mitchell, you were 11 years old,
and mom made me take you with me
when I was skating with my friend Sophie
King,
and you were terrified to go through the
underpass
'cause it was dark,
and you were sure it was filled with
monsters,
so we ditched you.
I don't remember this at all.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1024】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
Yeah, I skated away and called you a big
baby.
Sophie threw a rock at me
and you yelled, "You're so gay."
I did do that.
Oh, didn't I?
We used to use that word a lot.
You used to be able to call anything gay.
Do you ever miss that?
No.
No.
That's hurtful.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Mitchell.
You were scared,
and I should've held your hand through the
tunnel,
and I was -- I was not a good big sister.
I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?
- Yes, yes. - You do?
- Yes! I forgive you. - I love you.
- Love you, too. - Love you!
Okay, okay. Okay.
- Let's do this. - Yes, let's do this.
- Come on. - What? What's happening?
No, no, no, we're going -- we're going
through the tunnel.
No. God, no. No, no, no.
Oh, no, you got to get over this.
- No! All right. - Okay. Just let yourself
go.
- Just let it go. Just -- you know? - Yep.
I'm good.
Uh, yeah, you got to get past it.
N-n-no. No, no! No! N-n-no! Claire, no!
N-n-no! N-no!
I felt bad when we got separated,
but I knew that when he skated out
the other side of that tunnel,
an emotional scar would've been healed.
Mitchell?! Mitchell?
No! N-no! N-n-no! N-no!
Oh, my god! What happened? What happened?
- It w-- it was terrible! -Yes.
They took my wallet and my skates and my
tie.

What -- what homeless person needs a tie?
Oh, my god. I am so sorry, Mitchell!
Okay, um... Can you give me my phone?
'cause I got to, you know, cancel my cards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, god. I hope you have
juice.
That thing has been buzzing like crazy.
Oh, god! Okay. Okay.
My meeting's been pushed up.
It's in 15 minutes.
Okay, okay. Okay, okay.
Look at me. Look at me.
This is a test, and we don't sweat the small
stuff.
- Just let it go. - Stop it! Stop it.
I know you think you discovered the new you,
but you are controlling
even when you're trying to not be
controlling.
So j-- give me your skates.
What? Why?
You've dragged me so far,
we're closer to my office than we are to
the car.
Take 'em off!
He just wasn't ready.
But me?
I had a message for the small stuff
that used to rule my life.
Hey, Phil. Honey, how you holding up?
Good.
So, I'm at the beach -- long story.
Anyway, I was hoping you wouldn't mind
waiting at the house for Luke's tutor.
Actually, I would mind. I'd mind quite a
bit.
I'm kind of busy.
Okay, great.
Suck it, small stuff.
Why are we stopping?
For many, a near-miss with death is a
wake-up call.
But when a man misses his own near-miss,
he truly sees what he's been missing.
No more putting my dreams on hold.
Five years ago, I made a bucket list.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1025】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
It was time to start crossing things off.
Scariest moment of my life.
Oh, my gosh. I thought I lost you!
But amazingly, something great came out of
it.
I found out how my sister truly feels about
me.
Girls, are you sure?
Positive. We'll walk home.
We almost died.
Yeah.
A-about what you said in the car...
Please don't make fun of me right now.
No, I would never.
It was actually really honest.
And I need to stop taking shots at your
intelligence.
You don't do it that often.
Well, you miss a lot of it.
There, I did it again.
Did what?
Uh, it doesn't matter.
I always considered you to be this
self-absorbed person,
but you're more substantial than that,
aren't you?
Thank you.
You know what? I'm blowing off judo today.
Let's hang out.
What should we do?
Makeovers.
Okay.
Great!
We're gonna walk right past my waxing
place.
Say goodbye to that gal stache.
If it were easy, everyone would be hot.
Yep, you know, I-it's not just my feet.
It's from when I walked into the stop sign
because you wouldn't give me back my --
Okay, fine. I'll give you back your
man-goggles. Here.
I just thought we might run into
some cute boys on the way home,
but it's probably best we didn't.
That's a pretty angry lip you got there.

Really?
Does everybody's get this red?
Well, you had quite a bit of growth.
I was gonna have that lady take a crack at
your arms,
but she had already sweat through her
apron.
Oh, my gosh!
I already have 100 likes on my picture of
my new nails.
Um, FYI, I'm -- I'm sort of in the
background there,
screaming mid-wax.
400 people liked this photo.
I was not one of them.
My art teacher
made a pithy "Blue period" comment,,
and my top prom prospect
suddenly found a girlfriend in Canada.
Do you think I could get my sneakers back?
Ohh, I threw them away with the rest of your
clothes
when you were in the changing room.
I thought about saving them for the
housekeeper,
but I couldn't remember if she had a son.
Look, I've tried really hard to put up with
a lot since...
What's going on?
Oh, I just had so much fun with you!
We don't do this enough.
I just wish there was something that you
could teach me.
Wait, what about your judo stuff?
Uh you're not interested in that.
No! No! I am! Come on!
Karate-chop me or something!
That is not --
Okay. All right.
Let's just do one simple move.
Okay.
Now, this won't wrinkle my top, will it?
That was actually fun!
Show me one more time.
Oh, no!
Oh, my gosh. I thought I lost you again.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1026】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?
Oh, yeah, when we almost got killed,
I thought I lost my phone.
It was really scary.
Mentos-pramp-climb, test number two.
Lesson learned -- when pressure builds to
dangerous levels,
it must be released.
Is your lip getting better or your face
getting redder?
Just gonna pop into the family room.
What the hell was that?!
Oh, I'm just getting started!
Why do you have to be such a silly --
Haley, stop!
Mom!
Phil, honey.
I was already on edge.
The day before, I was with my mom at the
park
when some guy on a bike swiped her phone.
He must have been a criminal mastermind.
He struck the one second she wasn't
taking pictures of Joe.
The worst part is, I saw him grab it.
I had a chance to do something
and be a hero to my mom, but I froze.
What would you have done,
made him the subject of a satirical
cartoon?
Hey! Uh, they've taken down presidents.
Now, can you just support me here?
There are only so many moments a son has
a chance to --
Very mature.
Pick a fight then tune me out?
It's not bothering me. Stop it!
Dad, turn down that song!
*No can do.*
You sure, Manny?
Positive. I-I'll walk home.
- We almost died. - Yeah.
White.
Yes, I'm sure.
Why is it so hard for you to imagine
that a criminal can be white when most of

the --
Ah, the bicycle.
Yes, yes, it was white.
I thought your phone got stolen?
This is Joe's phone.
This is why the terrorists hate us.
The universe is cold and unfeeling.
The only constant is chaos.
Was that place out of chocolate-chip
pancakes again?
We were all almost killed by a truck.
Ay Dios mio! Are you okay, papi?
This was all Phil's fault, wasn't it?
He's always blaring that damn new wave
music!
No. He swerved to avoid it.
Saved my life.
But the game of life is rigged.
Death always win.
Okay, I know what you need right now --
A trip to the ice-cream shop.
He doesn't need ice cream.
He needs to talk about what just happened
to him.
Well, I could go for some ice cream.
I know how to fix my son.
So, this is fixed.
Go around.
Normally, I'd be avoiding these cracks
out of respect of your back, Mom,
But after today, it seems pointless.
That's it. Get in.
No, Jay, he's afraid!
It's only gonna get worse.
In. Trust me.
Five minutes in here, he'll be happy as a
clam.
Aah! Mama!
Calm down.
This was a bad idea.
Hop out.
Good for you, Jay. It has to be when he is
ready.
- Nope. He's driving. - What?
What? I-I can't.
You're doing it now.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1027】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
Jesus, take the wheel.
He's terrified to be in the back.
Now you're gonna put him in the front seat
so that he can kill all of us?!
Can you not make this fear worse?
I watched Dede coddle Mitchell
when he was afraid of the dark.
Till he was seven, he'd only blink one eye
at a time --
gave a lot of girls a very wrong idea.
Manny, you don't want to do this right?
No, I really don't.
Okay, papi, you know what? Let's switch.
I'm going to drive.
I've got a bombshell, mom.
Ay, papi, thank you, but this is a very
weird thing
to say when we're in this position.
No, I've decided I'm never driving.
No way.
You there. You there.
We're doing this my way.
Ah, yeah, 'cause it's your way
or the highway.
Oh, God. Not the highway.
You always want me to be his dad.
Well, I'm being his dad.
Oh, uh, I-I'm really scared, Jay.
This is what we're fixing.
Look, when I was a kid,
I lived by a big, scary black lake.
I always thought there monsters in there
and whatnot.
One night, my dad dragged me out of bed
and tossed me right in that cold water.
I was never scared of that lake again.
Now, give it some gas.
Mma! Aah!
That's another habit I wouldn't mind
breaking,
but, you know, right now we...have to...
Oh, what am I doing?
I hated my dad for that.
I ended up scared of him, not the lake.
Manny, - it's okay.
Over there! On the bike!

The white guy that stole my phone!
I don't see anyone.
Yes! He just turned the corner!
The phone burglar! He's getting away!
Not this time.
Up there to the left!
I don't see anyone!
I didn't see anyone either. I made it up.
I am not going to
drive my son around until he's 40.
The only thing stronger than Manny's fear
is his need to protect his mama.
Oh, no! He got away!
But you did very good, Manny.
That was a frickin' rush!
But we're not giving up. We're gonna find
that guy.
No!
Are you sure about this?
Just go. I'm walking home.
I can't even hear him, it's so loud.
Can everybody just shut up?!
- Hello. - Hello. Is this Phil Dumpster?
What do you want, Gil?
Got to be kidding me. Hang on.
Is that your hot wife I hear?
Hey, is she still taking those yoga
classes?
Hanging up.
W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick.
The listing at 225 Cedar Street,it's mine
now.
You poached my listing?,
Poached it, seasoned it,
and covered it in Thorpe-andaise sauce, my
friend.
You should thank me, dumpy.
You're back in second place
with your favorite view...
my sweet behind.
Why does everything with him have to be so
dramatic?
Why are we stopping?
Oh, my God! I thought I lost you.
What's to tell?
A truck runs a stop sign, I avoid it,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1028】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
everyone walks away, bing, bang, no boom.
- There was a truck! - That was crazy!
Everybody calm down. Calm down. Let's not
overreact.
- What?! - Dad!
- We were almost just killed! - Yes!
Exactly. Almost, which means we're all just
fine.
You aren't the least bit upset?
It's gonna take more than that to ruin a
morning
that started with a whipped-cream smile on
my waffle.
Okay, it may have affected me a little,
but sometimes it's hard to know what you're
feeling.
Mostly, I was thinking about racquetball
later
and hopefully giving Cam a nice spanking.
Fair warning, may be working out some anger
issues
on the racquetball court this morning.
- Don't ask. - Sounds good.
So, we're getting our new dryer delivered.
It's supposed to be eggshell,
but, oh, it's not eggshell, it's white.
Anyway, I'm laying into the delivery
driver,
and Mitchell strolls in and says, "Oh, it's
fine,"
and then offers him a piece of his banana
loaf.
I heard that.
Just once, I would like
Mitchell to take my side.
I am constantly strolling in and saving him
like a little princess in the tower.
Sometimes I'd like to be the princess.
- Six of one, right? - What?
Why are, why are we stopping?
I'm-I'm very confused, Phillip.
Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe
speed.
Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Phil. - I guess you heard. I'm
sorry.

Oh, no, it happens all the time.
I just stopped by to give you guys a little
care package
to show you there's no hard feelings.
Class act, Dung beetle.
Here's the Malpractice Attorney
most of his clients have used after he's
ripped them off.
You will be losing some sleep,
but these have always helped my wife.
And this priest is retired,
but I think he still does exorcisms,
which you'll need after today.
- Listen, Phil—- - It’s okay.
It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre
realtor
reduced to this.
Gil, please, let's keep this civil.
Oh, by the way, if you ever speak
disrespectfully again
about my wife, I'll kill you.
Sorry. That sounded like a joke.
I will actually kill you.
Anyhow, when you guys wake up
and smell the sulfur,,
here's a list of other realtors,
and if you need me, I'll be in the office
at 9:00,
10:00. I have the dentist.
Where did that come from?
Life's too short to be ruled by fear.
What do you say
we get you the right dryer, princess?
Oh, my.
I mean, Phil is usually just so...
but then he was just, like, so...
and then he got even more...
There's nothing I can do.
- I can't go for that. - No can do.
Cameron here bought an eggshell dryer.
Not white, not oatmeal,
not Swiss-coffee,
not baby-powder, not bone.
Eggshell. Look, Rob, is it?
That's interesting.
Here's how this is going down--
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1029】-
Modern.Family.S06E11
we don't leave without that eggshell dryer.
Not swan-feather, not chester-pig-white.
I think we've covered the colors.
I sell houses to people every day
who ask me where they should buy their
dryer.
I don't think you want me giving them any
static.
I may have one in the back.
But it takes two guys to load the truck,
and it's just me today.
Is it?
It was right about then
that a question started nagging at me.
Is Phil sexy?
You feel like doing something a little
crazy with me?
What? No. What? No.
Hey, honey.
Phil, honey, how you holding up?
Good.
I'm at the beach -- long story.
I was hoping you wouldn't mind
waiting at the house for Luke's tutor.
Actually, I would mind. I'd mind quite a
bit.
- I'm kind of busy. - Okay.
Cam, there's something that Claire would
never approve of
that I've always wanted to do.
Always?
We're gonna want to put a blanket down on
that backseat.
This was a huge mistake.
I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy
Peruvian biter.
It's spring break '92 all over again!
Well, speed bump coming up. Hold the leash
taut.
It's supposed to keep her calm.
I got lucky. I don't think this one's a
spitter.
uh, I spoke too soon.
You think? That's it. Pull over.
You know, Phil, I wanted to support you on
this.
 Modern.Family.S06E11
I'm a firm believer in livestock in the I almost lost you guys today -- all of you.
home, Just like that.
But you are out of control. Aw, daddy.
No, I'm in control -- more than ever. Oh, honey.
And if me getting what I want You spent the whole day trying to control
inconveniences people a little, everything,
then so be it. and I spent the entire day trying not to,
Uh, she's nervous. and neither way worked, did it?
The guy said you should let her suck on your Nope.
hair. I may fight you on this,
Okay, that is it. I am done. but I'm gonna need you to make me get rid
Enough of this ridiculousness. of Jolene two.
And thank you, Phil, - She's a biter. - I know.
For making me appreciate Mitchell. As soon as we're done with this hug.
He may have his faults, Hey, whatever this is,
but at least he's not a crazy person. I need to get in on it.
Phil, honey. I almost died today.
Yes, Claire. - Grandpa. - Daddy.
I got an alpaca -- again. Aw, dad.
And there's nothing you can say about it. Come here.
I'm not saying anything. What's the Come here, you.
problem? Learn how to drive, lady!
Mom, dad! I will get to the meeting when I get there.
There is a camel in the living room! I looked death in the face today.
It's not a c-- Hel-- hello. Yes, I would like to leave a
- I-I just can't. - Okay. message.
I see you've all met Jolene two. My husband ordered an eggshell dryer --
Sadly, the original Jolene Not talc, not parchment
that your mother made me return -- eggshell.
was cruelly adopted by a children's You're home early. What happened to you?
hospital. Doesn't matter.
You see, something hit me this morning So, I called that appliance store,
when that truck didn't hit me this morning And I demanded that
-- you get the dryer that you wanted.
I have not been in control of my own life. Oh, well, it must've worked
But those days are done. because they're taking away the wrong one
Well, I guess I'm not in control of right now.
everything, am I? Anything for you, princess.
funny, isn't it? Who's this guy? Get over here, sexy.
You can try and try, but in the blink of If you want to see sexy, I just...
an eye... What is all over you?
you can lose everything that matters to Well, now you are.
you.
Dad, are you okay?
Don't you all see what's going on here?
Dad really wanted that milk.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1030】-

Modern.Family.S06E12
Phil, honey!
Phil!
Hey, check it out.
Grandpa sent us another
postcard from his RV trip.
"Mount Rushmore?
I wish the tour guide would have rushed
more."
Phil, we have got to do something
about Amber and Ronnie's boat.
That thing is making it impossible
to park in our driveway, and it's an
eyesore.
On the other hand, they're our neighbors
and we have to see them everyday.
I worry about...rocking the boat.
You know you can do better.
Keeping me honest. I love it.
Yeah, the boat is trashy.
Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand"
for me.
You know, with sea levels rising at their
current rate,
we should be glad we live near a boat.
Okay, so, that's three for "get rid of the
boat."
- Luke? - Count me out.
This isn't a police state.
That boat isn't hurting anyone.
Here's all you need to know about that boat.
One -- Tammy Lafontaine sunbathes on it.
Two -- my eyeballs like looking at Tammy
Lafontaine sunbathing.
Don't make me the bad guy here.
You know that obnoxious thing annoys you,
too.
Yeah, it does, but we need to finesse this
--
Be nice about it.
The last thing we need
is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors.
Movie idea.
I'll put on the list.
Comedy or drama?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1031】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
Depends on casting.
There's got to be some kind of regulation
about this.
I'm gonna call the city.
That's a terrible idea.
Uh, no, a terrible idea
is a movie about a guy who can fax himself
places.
'cause you haven't heard the title -- "Just
the fax man.",
That water can't hit us soon enough.
Hey, where have you guys been?
The San Vicente branch of the public
library,
and then ice cream.
That was a weirdly specific answer.
Well, everything is normal.
Usually when everything is normal,
people don't respond in
perfectly rehearsed unison.
Now who's being weirdly specific.
Well, if you went to the library,
why don't you have any books?
We read there.
I read "Clifford the Big Red Dog."
And I read Richard Chamberlain's
autobiography.
Did you know he did Hamlet in London?
Yes, I remember you telling me about that
at the San Vicente branch of the public
library.
Okay, well, why don't you go clean your room
now, sweetie?
Great idea.
Lily, don't forget your backpack.
Whoa, what's this?
Cam, clown supplies?
Uh, yeah, those are mine.
We just had to pick them up from the dry
cleaner.
Also mine.
Oh, my gosh, they must
have shrunk them in the wash!
Did they wash them 40,000 times?
Okay, look.
It's no big deal, but I took Lily

to a junior clown college this morning.
Are you serious? Behind my back?
Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve.
What was I supposed to do?
Not take her because you know
how I feel about all this mumbo jumbo.,
Mumbo Jumbo was like a father to me.
I have been very up front with you.
You knew going in
that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.
Yes, but then I finally
realized that you weren't joking
and we agreed that we would wait
until she was old enough to decide for
herself.
You do stuff with her all the time,
and you don't ask me for my permission.
Just last week,
you took her to the doctor without even
asking!
'cause she had an ear infection!
Let's say we're even!
Bravo!
You ate all of your blueberries!
That gets applause?
I just finished the Friday
crossword puzzle and nothing.
I guess everyone knows
Herbert Hoover's middle name.
Look what I got --
A throne for our little king.
Do we have to put the toilet on the counter?
I take my afternoon coffee here.
Let's fix one problem at a time.
I've decided to potty-train Joe.
No, too soon.
It's too soon for a Pearl Harbor joke,
perfect time for this.
I don't want to rush him.
Too much pressure and he will get
traumatized.
He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger
than his head.
I don't think he scares easy.
The kid's ready, plus, if I'm being honest,
I'm tired of buying diapers.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1032】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
Excuse me, where do you keep the diapers?
Right over here, sir.
You trying to be funny?
We have larger sizes.
He's gonna do great.
Why wouldn't he?
There's no one better than Joe, right?
I'm better than Joe.
At his age,
I was counting to 10 in three languages.
The bar is so low for that kid,
except when they play limbo.
they hold it up so high anybody can get
under it.
I didn't see you there.
Really?
So, is that your creepy twin brother
who's been staring at me
from the window for the last week?
Uh, I could lie and say "Yes."
You could pretend you weren't flattered,
but why not just cut to the chase?
And what would that be?
I could maybe touch something of yours?
Sure, and I could maybe kick something of
yours.
I like this tension.
Very "Will they, when will they?"
Go back to your room, little boy.
Got it. I'll see you from there.
Once we approach them with this,
it's gonna be awfully hard for me to log
in
with my anonymous call to the city.
You're not gonna have to report anyone.
Call me David Copperfield,
'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.
Hey, neighbors. I made you some banana
bread.
Oh, I love banana bread.
We have this at our dispensary,
except we got weed in it.
But we could give this one to our kids as
a trick.
This boat is really something.
You know what we call her?

- "Jackpot"! - 'Cause you sell pot.
Holy cow, we never thought of that.
This is the best day of my life!
Permission to come aboard and check her
out?
Yeah!
That is, if you're talking about my boat
and not my wife.
Ooh, yeah, you can't climb aboard me.
Well, not in the driveway, anyway.
- This is so great. - Yeah.
Did you do something new with your hair?
Did you get a new wig or something?
Sweet boat like this belongs in the water,
am I right?
Well, you know, people who put their boat
in the water,
they only use it on the weekend.
We get to use this baby every day.
Can you imagine
visiting this boat every day in the marina?
You spend a bunch of money on something,
you want people to see it.
That's why I wear low-cut tops.
Yeah! Listen up.
I just got to be honest.
We're having a hard time with the boat here.
What, you don't like Jackpot?
It's gigantic and makes it pretty tough
to park in our driveway.
Well, that's because you open your doors
onto our driveway,
where we keep our boat.
Yes, and, according to city regulations,
it shouldn't even be here.
"Regulations." Hear that?
Look, we really do want to keep this
friendly.
And it's been here for three weeks.
- Yeah, and it's beautiful. - And it's
tacky.
- Settle down! - Hey, that is uncool!
There are four aces on the side of it.
You know what?
We're gonna have to ask you to disembark.
That's boat for "Get off."
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1033】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
Yeah, there's no room up here for an uptight
buzzkill.
Don't call her a buzzkill.
That's right. There's a lot of people who
think I'm fun.
You complain about fireworks Friday,
you complain when my son plays his kick-ass
drum set,
you bought curtains for your bedroom
window.
What have we ever done to you?
I think you just answered your own
question.
All right, you know what?
Here, take your buzz-free banana bread
and go back to your precious driveway.
With pleasure.
By the way, Claire,
earlier, I was just being nice.
I do not like your new wig.
Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!
- Phil! - Uh, not the color.
Hey, Phil!
Still think we need to be nice?
No. It's time for more drastic measures.
No one insults... my banana bread.
- Mitchell. - F-fiz-- no! No!
What have I said about you sneaking up on
me?
I could have been shaving.
This could have been a sweeney Todd moment.
Because of me, clowning is in Lily's blood.
Adopted.
But she's a natural, and we're gonna prove
it to you.
If she doesn't make you laugh,
she'll quit clowning forever.
Come on.
Please.
I present to you the Asian for any occasion,
the clown that will invert that frown,
the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Lizbo!
Are you not hearing that?
We're working on the name.
Oh, no, Fizbo dropped his hat.

Where did it go, Lizbo?
It's right there.
There it is!
No, Fizbo! No!
What? I'm just putting my hat back on,
Lizbo.
Oh, my --
Confetti --
I hope Fizbo knows how to vacuum.
Who turned out the lights?!
You're just spreading it around.
I tried to be supportive for Lily.
I really did, but I wanted to kill myself.
That's not part of the routine.
She's a natural. Do it again.
Okay, here we go. Nothing to it.
Make it rain.
Yeah, I-I get it.
You -- you can't pee with another guy
looking at you.
Not a bad thing, by the way.
Son of a gun, his middle name was Clark.
Jay!
May we have some privacy, please?
For what?
So that Joe can keep chewing on the
electrical cord?
O-oh, we're -- we're not clapping for this?
I told you that he was not ready, and when
he is,
why don't you let his mother take care of
it?
You know, I raised two fully functional
children.
You have two kids that I don't know about?
Please, just let Joe go on his own schedule.
Manny learned to potty-train when he was
2 1/2.
You told me it was 13 months.
I may have exaggerated a little bit.
2 1/2 isn't advanced at all.
What else did you exaggerate?
Did I really like Shakespeare when I was
3?
Not so much Shakespeare as Jello.
Was my first word really "Latte"?
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1034】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
Not so much "Latte" as "Jello."
Oh, my god. I'm normal.
Trust me, kid, no one's saying that about
you.
Why did you tell me all those things?
To give you confidence.
You needed it because you were having
so much trouble learning how to read.
This makes no sense.
Yes, that what you always used to say.
I wasn't deterred.
I knew Lily had what it took to be a great
clown.
I mean...
She just needed to find her persona,
and that process can be painful, especially
for me.
Ohh, Lily!
Good morning, neighbors.
Beautiful day, huh?
Don't even try to sweet-talk us.
This tacky boat ain't going anywhere.
Hey, what's that?
I don't know. What could it be?
Phil is not a vindictive guy.
He still listens to Milli Vanilli.,
It's a scandal I can dance to.
But Ronnie and Amber don't deserve nice
Phil.
They dissed my woman,
so I called in the big guns.
You are so sexy right now.
Girl, you know it's true.
Oh, there it goes.
Is that my son
or am I looking in the world's most
flattering mirror?
That's funny and uplifting!
It is!
Thanks for coming so fast.
Oh. Where were you when we called?
Who knows? It all looks the same.
Either Arizona or New Mexico.
Or maybe even regular Mexico.
Thanks for coming, fellas.
- Hey, guys. - Grandpa!

There's my little girls. How are you?
What the hell is this?
We see your driveway boat
and raise you a convoy of retirees.
Oh, I want to have three more of your
babies.
How was your road trip?
The highlight came in Branson, Missouri,
when Victor rear-ended Yakov Smirnoff's
S.U.V.,
The exchange of information was hilarious,
but frustrating.
I don't understand anything that's
happening.
"In my country,
car has insurance for me."
that sort of thing.
Just laugh.
One day, we'll treasure these moments.
I guess you guys convinced us.
It's awesome having Giant recreational
vehicles
in your front yard.
Oh, we see what you two are doing.
You're gonna see a whole lot more,
'cause these old guys like to do Tai Chi
in shorty robes.
This ain't gonna work. I like hanging with
old people.
Makes me feel in-shape.
They can't sleep and they can't hear.
They're gonna be blasting talk radio all
night long.
When I get drunk, I snore real loud,
so I won't hear a thing.
We just wanted to give you a taste
of what it's like to have you for a
neighbor.
I love how close together all our mouths
are.
Okay.
Hey, dad, what's the --
What's the plot of that Rita Hayworth
movie?
My friends here were wondering.
That's my cue.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1035】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
Time to help my boy get rid of a boat.
Uh, "Lady from Shanghai"?
That's the one.
I-I can't remember all the details.
Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie.
Or was it a baby?
Funny thing -- none of it was in Shanghai.
Or was all of it in Shanghai?
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.
So, either the horse or this baby...
I'm just putting these in the car.
I help underprivileged kids lift weights.
You can't even drive yet.
Okay, you know my secret. What's yours?
Do you honestly think any of this is gonna
work?
I don't know what I'm doing.
I-I have no clue what to say when I'm around
you,
but I think about you all the time.
Fine. Here's my secret.
I put all these walls up and act tough,
but... I've never really been with a boy
before.
Really?
Because I've never been with a girl.
oh, my God. Pathetic.
Run home to your mommy, you little bitch.
Is Lizbo in here?
I think she's in our room.
Cam.
You know, you wouldn't be in this position
if you hadn't gone behind my back.
I wouldn't be in this position if I had...
a supportive husband.
Okay. Really, I would love to hear how this
is my fault.
Yesterday, Lily performed her heart out for
you.
She was so excited to do that broom routine,
and you gave her nothing.
So she got desperate,
and she resorted to mean-spirited gags.
And then all of a sudden, guess what.
You're Mister Mcgiggles!
Oh, is he like an uncle to you?

You know what hurt the most is that my
husband
turned our daughter against something that
I love.
Guys, we appreciate all your help,
but you probably shouldn't be up there.
I don't mind.
Is that weed I smell?
Wait, you gave them pot?
No, I run a legitimate business.
I'm not gonna risk it for that.
They brought their own.
Dad?
- Not me, son. - It's me and Victor.
Makes my arthritis feel better.
And I'm in remission from being lame.
Here's your beer, Frank.
- Thank you, Ronnie. - Right on.
Here you go, guys. Pigs in a blanket.
Thank you, darling.
What are you guys doing?!
You're supposed to be annoying them.
- These guys could never annoy me. - What?
Oh, Ronnie!
Sorry, son, it turns out Ronnie's a fellow
army man.
Plus, at our age,
it's tough not to like someone who pays
attention to us.
Unbelievable.
I should have known better.
My dad's too loveable.
It's always been his biggest flaw.
Hey, smells like a party!
Back inside.
Okay, then.
*Take your body down to the potty*
*To have some fun and go number one*
What is this filth?
I tried everything,
videos, books, parenting websites.
I even tried to make a game out of it.
Nothing could get that kid to use the
toilet.
By the way, do not search "Peeing games"
on the internet.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1036】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
Okay, Joe, what's it gonna be? I'm a wealthy
man.
Just give me a number.
Seven.
I just found out that's how old I was
when I learned to tie my shoes.
Not 2, like I was told.
Okay, please, Manny.
I might have exaggerated a little bit,
but I do that all the time.
Columbia actually is a very normal place.
My accomplishments are all lies.
I can only deal with one traumatized child
at a time.
Please, Jay, let that poor baby off the
toilet.
Okay, new plan--
we leave him on the throne till he conks
out,
then we dunk his hand in a bowl of warm
water--
That's crazy.
You know that you can't rush these things.
You did it before with Claire and with
Mitch.
I don't think he did, mom.
Yes, he did, right?
Well, I was a little busy building a closet
empire.
And racquetball was pretty big back then.
Maybe that's why this is so important to
you.
You missed so many milestones in their
lives,
you don't want to miss them with Joe.
This is your second chance.
But don't worry, Jay. He knows you love him.
I'd like him to remember that I'm there for
him.
I mean, who knows if I'll get another
chance.
I know. You won't.
And he won't have to remember you
because you're always going to be here.
Forget it.
Come on. Let's give it a rest.

The poor kid, all that pressure I put on
him.
Especially his bladder.
You've probably got a gallon of apple juice
in there, buddy.
Did you see that?
Did you see how you understood Jay?
That's what makes you so special.
Anyone can learn how to walk
or pee in a potty.
You're the most sensitive and insightful
person I have ever known,
and you have always been.
Come here, papi.
He's peeing!
- He's peeing! - My little genius!
I knew you could do it, buddy!
ay, Jay, he's not done.
Aw, hell. It's all over me.
Would you take him?
Lily!
- Oh, it's you. - Okay.
Come here. Come on. Let's have a little
talk.
All right, I know that I have been laughing
at some of the stuff that you've been doing
to daddy,
but I shouldn't have.
I know that you love this,
but I don't want you to be the type of clown
that hurts people.
I don't do that to make you laugh.
You don't?
Well, then why do you do it?
I hate it. I don't want to be a clown.
It's so weird.
Oh, are you serious?
The jokes aren't funny
And everybody's all,
"Honk, honk, ah-ooga, wah, wah."
Oh, Lily, I love you so much. Oh, my gosh.
W-w-why didn't you just tell him?
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
So I figured if I was a bad clown,
he'd want me to stop.
Oh, honey, you don't have to worry about
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1037】-
Modern.Family.S06E12
that.
He'll understand.
You don't have to do what daddy does.
You just need to tell him the truth.
- Tell me the truth about what? - Nothing!
No, Lily, it's -- it's okay.
I'm sorry, daddy, but I think I want to stop
being a clown.
Oh, but why? Y-you loved it.
Because...
Because I'll never be as good as Fizbo.
He's just so funny and special and magical.
Sweetie -- well, listen.
Fizbo is very special.
But you shouldn't
expect to be as good as he is right away.
It's too much pressure.
Maybe I'll try again when I'm older.
Coming up with a lie like that in the moment
--
That girl is no clown.
She's gonna be a lawyer.
Hey, neighbor.
Just wanted to say I had a really good time
hanging with your dad last night.
You don't need to rub it in.
I heard it all night -- you guys singing
"Chantilly Lace."
No, I'm serious.
We had a long talk.
Your dad and his buddies, they're good
people.
They played the whole army card.
And, well, I'm gonna do the honorable thing
and, uh, move the boat.
Really?
Yeah, my brother says I can keep it in his
driveway.
He hates his neighbor.
I think your dad's right.
We should start being better to one
another.
I couldn't agree more.
I think you'll see, Once you get to know
us,
we're good people, too...
 Modern.Family.S06E12
There's no smoke.
I know.
Okay, folks.
Who owns the boat?
He -- uh, that would be me.
Why? Is there a problem?
Technically, you can't store it here,
and some crazy lady keeps calling.
Hi, officer. What's going on out here?
Wait, you guys narc'd on us!
No, I brought you banana bread!
It was her!
Now who's the narc?
Claire, that's pretty uncool.
Super uncool! You guys are lame!
I'm also gonna have to write up these rvs.
- Oh no. - What? No.
I'm holding. I'm making a walk for it.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1038】-

Modern.Family.S06E13
We're back!
Funniest thing --
Stella fell in love with this dog on our
walk,
just stared at it lovingly.
Turned out to be her reflection in a hubcap.
Can you blame her?
I got an "A" on my history exam, by the way.
Really, you're competing with the dog?
Don't let it bother you, girl.
Jay, we need to talk.
I went to an allergist today,
and he thinks that Joe's rash is an allergy.
What a surprise -- an allergist found an
allergy.
He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
What?
The only reaction this dog gives people is
the giggles.
I mean, when she tried to lick her own
face...
In my village, if a goat acted that dumb,
we wouldn't even eat it.
This allergy thing is very serious.
We need to separate them for a week
to see if the rash goes away.
I don't know if I can go that long without
seeing Joe.
Not joe! The dog!
I already called Mitch and Cameron.
They're gonna take her.
For a week?!
She'll be traumatized! She's very
sensitive!
She scrapes her butt on the driveway.
Why don't you like her?
She's never done anything to you.
Ay, look! My face cream!
Do you know how much this costs?
No. How much?
Don't change the subject!
The dog goes now!
You know, now that I think about it,
I could be allergic to Stella.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1039】-
Modern.Family.S06E13
I've been a little stuffy since we got her.
You were stuffy long before Stella.
Do you not remember scolding that waiter
at Chuck E. Cheese
for serving you from the right?
Victorian.
Modern.
Craftsman.
Spanish.
European...Gothic?
Andy, it's the castle from "Frozen".
I'm sorry, but you're not ready.
What?
To hear that you're ready!
Congratulations, assistant!
I'm moving you up to the next level.
Holy cow.
That was an emotional thrill ride.
This Sunday,
you are manning the open house of the Cope
Cod on Linden.
That means you're gonna be sticking
the sign and the balloons on the corner,
you're gonna be turning on all the lights,
you're gonna be baking all the brownies.
I will make you proud, sir.
What else are you gonna do?
I will make sure people sign in.
What else?
When I show someone the master bedroom,
I'll say, "This is where the magic
happens."
- I'm sold! - Yes!
Hey, buddy. I got to hit the mall a little
later.
You wanna grab a couple of chair massages
till they kick us out?
Nah. I'm gonna go hang out with some of my
friends.
Okay.
Have fun.
Teenagers, huh?
Yeah, it's been happening more and more,
but it's natural.
Kids that age want distance.
One day, they're holding your hand so tight

it hurts.
The next day, they're eating the apple you
kind of wanted.
Not me.
I never turned down an offer to hang with
my dad.
Luckily for him, he died before my
rebellious teenage years.
That must be grandpa with Stella.
Remember, Lily, she's only gonna be here
for a week,
She's not gonna be our permanent pet.
Don't tell me, tell Larry.
He's been acting jealous all day.
You're being crazy!
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Jay.There's our precious little
houseguest.
Okay, guys, listen up.
She gets three walks a day.
Keep her off the bed. We're training her.
No chicken bones. If she starts to wheeze
--
Remember when you dropped me off at summer
camp?
You barely slowed down the car.
You never had a condition that made it
difficult to breathe.
I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp.
I spent the week in mid-faint.
Lily, don't forget to give Stella lots of
belly rubs.
Grandpa, this is coming
at a really bad time for me and Larry.
Okay, well, now, don't you worry
about wily not woving you yet.
Aw, who's the little weeble wobble?
- I can't watch this. Okay. - Bye, Dad.
Oh, I don't know. I guess in my free time,
I like to keep up with the latest
discoveries
in renewable energy.
Just think, a few more months
and you'll never have to deal with this
again.
You know, I don't mind college interviews.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1040】-
Modern.Family.S06E13
I actually like discussing the things that
they --
I was talking to the mirror.
I know all you had to do to get in your
college
was like their Facebook page,
But this is Princeton.
I have to show them that I'm a serious
thinker,
and you could be a bit more supportive.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Your outfit's perfect.
Thanks.
If you're applying to lumberjack school.
And majoring in having your cats eat you
when you die.
Well, hello.
How was your first day back in the closet...
business?
That doesn't make any sense. I've never
worked here before.
It's just a gay joke, Mitchell.
Don't overthink it.
You settling in?
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you know, I'm in jeans and I'm at
work --
I feel like a mechanic.
I am looking forward
to doing a few days of freelance legal work
for my dad
because, uh, where I work,
I've gotten the unfair reputation
of being the office nag, which is...
See, it's only because I work with a bunch
of slobs.
I mean, I must tell these people 50 times
a day --
"Wipe down the microwave," "Clean the
coffee pot,"
"Whose moldy lunch meat is this, Kevin?"
So, did they put up much of a fight
when you asked for that time off, or...?
Yeah, it's so nice and casual here.
I can't wait to get my chill on.
What are you doing?

What? This is me.
No, it's not.
For the next few days it is.
When I leave here,
men will want to be me, women will want to
shop with me.
Have you ever thought of
trying to be nicer at your regular job?
I mean, I've had to learn
how to balance being a friend and a manager.
You could call it being a "Franager."
But I don't have to, right?
Yes, you do.
I am your boss. You have to do everything
I say.
Okay, all right, here comes Lucy.
She's new, and dad wants me to talk to her
about the way she dresses.
He says it's distracting.
Watch and learn. Lucy's about to get
franaged.
Oh, good, it's a verb, too.
Hey, Luce.
Oh, hi, Ms. Dunphy.
Oh, no, come on. Please, my dad is Ms.
Dunphy.
I'm just Claire.
So, listen, if you were looking for some
clothes for work,
Nordstrom's having a fabulous sale.
I picked up this appropriate little number
there.
Well, I'll have to check that out.
- Great. - Thanks.
See what I just did there?
I got to get back to work.
Do you want to have lunch later?
Aren't you going to the Pasta Factory with
the gang?
Oh, is it somebody's birthday?
I-I don't know.
Uh, something they do on Mondays.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Uh, P-Pasta Factory
Monday.
I knew that.
Doesn't seem like you did.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1041】-
Modern.Family.S06E13
Break time's over. Get your work done.
Looks like someone has an issue with anger
franagement.
Let 'er rip!
What a cannon!
- 58 miles per hour. - Wait. What?!
Yes!
What are you guys doing?
When we were at the mall,
we got this baseball shows you how fast you
throw it.
You guys went to the mall together?
Yes, we sure did.
And we got the free portrait at Sears to
prove it.
We should scan that bad boy before it gets
ruined.
Um...bye?
You're outta there!
Milady, for you.
Looking good there, haircut!
Ah, there he is! There's my karaoke
partner.
Hey, listen, next time you're Ebony, I'm
Ivory, all right?
Two days down, one to go,
and everybody in the office still loves the
new me.
Go ahead, leave a dirty coffee filter.
Oh, park askew.
Laid-back Mitchell doesn't mind.
You know, it is really nice
to be liked for who you really are
pretending to be.
All right.
I'm gonna see you tonight at Ronna's party,
right?
Okay. What party?
Aw, the two saddest words in the English
language.
Nah, it's no big deal.
We're just stopping by a bar after work,
have some beer, some hot wings.
- Look at me. - No, it's cool.
This is my fault.
When I first started here,

somebody asked me to do something and I said
no,
and now they think I'm not interested.
Yeah, that's probably it.
I might drop by this one, though.
I think people would appreciate it.
No, you can't go.
What? Why not?
Well, you know how y-you think
that you're their boss and their friend?
You're one of those things.
Oh, my god. They hate me.
No. Lots of people like you.
Like who?
Uh, well, me. I do.
- Yeah? - And, um, the, uh...
Dad. Dad's a big fan.
How's my little angel?
- Not great today. - I'm settling in.
Not you two -- Stella.
Oh, she's fine.
Cam's taking great care of her.
Is she getting enough walks?
Cam comes home from work at lunch,
takes her right to the dog park.
In fact, he's there with her right now.
Not the one on Barrington.
'Cause there's an unsnipped chow
always tries to hump her silly.
Oh, hi, Mr. Pritchett.
Hey, Lucy.
Lucy likes you.
Hey, Claire, check out my new shirt.
I have you to thank.
Oh, no, that's all you.
You were supposed to talk to her
about storing those zeppelins in a hangar.
I did!
Well, do it again. Louder. This is a place
of business.
She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce
houses.
Dad, I think you're the one who's being
offensive.
It's my company. Take care of it.
Hello?
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1042】-
Modern.Family.S06E13
What dog park are you at?
Good afternoon to you, too, Jay.
Stella and I are at rancho.
Thank god.
Keep your eye out for randy chows.
The figure skater?
Just keep Stella's safe.
Jay, she's fine. She's having a great time.
H-here, I'm gonna send you
a hilarious picture I just took of her.
She's never looked happier.
Probably just being polite.
What the hell am I looking at?
Oh, god, w-what -- what did I send you?
What's that thing around her neck?
Uh, that is just a new collar.
Her old one was looking a little tattered.
Don't go buying her presents!
She's still my dog.
You're a glorified kennel.
It's just a fun little collar that I
bejeweled.
What's next? You gonna dress her in
fishnets,
put her in a window in Amsterdam?
Just keep it casual!
Oh, my god. You're such a slut.
Oh, I love it.
Nothing, I'm just taking my sister
to a college interview at a coffee shop.
I know, right?
Oh, I totally forgot to tell you what
happened last night.
Lisa, Enzo, and I were at a bar in Echo Park,
and Enzo was like,
"My dream is to run the bases at Dodger
Stadium."
So I'm like, "Screw it, let's do it."
So, Lisa tucks her hair up to a baseball
cap,
and we convince the grounds keeper that
she's Justin Bieber
and that "Justin" will take a picture with
him.
And it worked!
No, you shut up! That's not even the best

part.
Enzo starts running the bases,
and he whips his shirt off.
And Lisa gets caught up in it and takes off
her shirt,
And the grounds keeper's like,
"Whoa, you're not Justin Bieber."
So he starts chasing us around with a rake.
I know!
Oh, wait. Who is that?
Denise? Put that dirty hooker on the phone.
Hey, girl. Did I tell you what happened last
night?
So, Enzo said that his dream
was to run the bases at Dodger Stadium,
- and I was like, "Screw it, let's do it."
- Oh, my god!
Do you ever stop talking?!
I am sitting here trying to mentally
prepare
for one of the most important moments of
my life,
so can you please just shut up?
I know, right?
All right, looks like they're finishing up.
I should probably go in now.
Ooh, tell her cute dress -- Nanette Lepore,
fall collection.
Great. I'll open with, "Cute dress."
Cute dress.
Andy, 36 hours to the open house.
You ready?
I was born ready.
Actually, that's not true.
I was two months premature,
weighed three and a half pounds.
I'm a little nervous.
There's only one way to get over that --
Mock open house!
Starting in five...four...
Uh, business card!
You're not Andy.
Sorry to disappoint you.
I'm here!
Welcome. Come on in.
Thank you.
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1043】-
Modern.Family.S06E13
What's happening?
I was about to give Mr. Dunphy here
a tour of this beautiful open house.
I do not know who Mr. Dunphy is, although
he sounds cool.
I'm just a handsome plastic surgeon
relocating from Tucson.
And I'm his son.
Good idea. Pretend to be my son.
So, is this the kitchen?
Great question. Yes, it is.
Fully updated with an open floor plan,
perfect for large families.
Do you and the missus have other kids?
Nope, just me, so it's way too big.
You seem terrible at your job.
I don't know.
You seem like a family with a lot of
friends.
It's great for entertaining.
How diverse is the neighborhood?
I only ask because I'm married
to a beautiful African-American woman.
I can't say who,
but you may know her from "Avatar."
This neighborhood has a wonderful mix
of different cultures and ethnicities.
- Ooh, sounds dangerous. - Luke...
Here's all you need to know --
In the last two years, home values in this
neighborhood
have increased by twice the city average.
It's quiet. It's safe.
I can't think of a better place
to raise a beautiful mixed-race family.
I'm gonna have to have a quick conversation
with Zoe,
but I think you just sold a house.
Yes!
Good. Is this finally done?
'Cause, dad, I was thinking maybe you and
I
could put on tuxedos and test-drive
Rolls-Royces.
Aw, Luke, I'm sorry. I wish I could,
but I already promised Andy I'd teach him
 Modern.Family.S06E13
how to tie a tie. Wait, what?
Come on, buddy. I got a song and everything. Well, crazy story --
I have to let you know, My friend Enzo's dream
my neck is extraordinarily ticklish. was to run the bases at Dodger stadium.
You don't say. And I was just like, "Screw it, let's do
Don't you dare. it."
Don't. Don't! Oh, by the way, cute dress.
- Get over here! - No! No, no, no, no, no, Is that a Nanette Lepore?
no, no! Oh, my God, yes. Good eye.
It was so nice to meet you, Gita. So, what happened next?
I'll be sure to send you that recording of Well, then my friend Lisa
my bassoon solo. tucks her hair up into a baseball cap,
You'd better! and we convince the grounds keeper that
Could you kill me over the phone? she's Justin Bieber
Oh, my God. These kids are all the same. and that "Justin" will take a picture with
Please tell me him.
we weren't this aggressively boring when Oh, my God.
we applied. You're so naughty. I love it.
It's all debate team, orchestra, A.P., GPA. You know it, slut.
I wanted to smack one of them in her smug Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
little face, Aww, you're cooking us a steak dinner --
But I'm pretty sure she was a robot. how sweet.
I can't believe I'm missing spinning for Yeah, I came home from work early to cook
this. us dinner.
Hi. I'm Alex Dunphy. That's crazy.
I got to go. This is for Stella.
Oh, great. Have a seat. I'm Vanessa. Ay, Jay...
Would you like some coffee? You don't know what I'm competing with over
No, thanks, but I actually have a crazy fact there.
about coffee -- Cameron's wooing her with belly rubs,
bees love caffeine because it's found in jewelry, kisses on the mouth.
nectar, I just want her to remember who loves her
but I don't know that much about B's, the most.
as you can see from my transcript. I don't think Stella is ever going to forget
So, I see here that you're on the debate how much you love her,
team No matter how much time
and you play the cello. she needs to stay with Mitch and Cam.
Yes, but I am so much more than that. What are you talking about? She's coming
I'm also a part of the French club. home Friday.
Tell me more. That's the thing.
I'm so sorry for wasting your time. Look.
This was a big mistake. The rash is gone.
I'm probably not Princeton material Well, we don't know that's Stella.
anyways. A lot of things cause rashes.
I mean, I spent most of last night Maybe he's less stressed this week than
in the back of a squad car. last.

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【1044】-

What's going on?
We have to get rid of Stella.
Slow down. We haven't decided anything yet.
Yes, we have. It's what's best for Joe.
And for whatever it's worth, my eyes have
stopped itching,
I can taste my food, and I have more energy.
You took a three-hour nap yesterday.
I was tired from the marathon.
The "Downton Abbey" Marathon?
That family is exhausting.
I can't believe this.
Ah, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Maybe you can get a fish!
'cause it's so much cuter driving down the
road
with your fish's head sticking out the
window.
Fish!
Oh, my God.
Are you here for another lecture?
Because you made your point loud and clear.
I'm keeping it casual.
I haven't even looked at Stella this
morning.
Okay, do not read too much into that --
I just took that off one of Lily's Teddy
Bears.
It's fine.
I'm glad you guys are spoiling her,
because I won't be able to anymore.
Joe's allergic.
No.
Yeah, and I figured since she likes you so
much,
maybe you guys could keep her.
Well, I mean, if that's what's best for
everyone.
Maybe you better check with Mitch first?
He'll deal.
I made her a steak.
Okay.
And this is her daybed.
I guess I better say goodbye.
Hi, sweetie.
Come here. I want to talk to you.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1045】-
Modern.Family.S06E13
Now, honey,
you're gonna live here from now on.
Don't give me that look.
It wasn't anything you did.
You've been the best dog I could ever have
asked for,
and I love you very much. So...
stay away from cars...
Don't eat anything pointy...
and be a good girl.
Goodbye, Stella-bella.
I didn't think I'd get through that without
crying.
Me neither.
Hey, dad, check out this video.
It's a teacup pig playing a piano.
I saw that. Andy sent it to me.
Unbelievable.
That's what I thought,
but then Andy and I did some digging.
It turns out pigs are crazy musical.
Good ol' Andy.
Is something up, buddy?
I said "no" one time.
And suddenly it's all "Andy this" and "Andy
that."
Well, I didn't mean anything by it.
It just seemed like you needed some space,
so I gave it to you.
I get it.
You're at that age when you want to
separate.
Yeah, I separate from you,
not the other way around.
Maybe I don't want to do dumb stuff with
you all the time,
but
that doesn't mean you get to replace me.
What?
Are you kidding me? I could never replace
you.
If it were up to me, we'd do everything
together.
Really?
Yeah, I'd go to college with you.
We’d-we'd be roommates. We'd try to join
 Modern.Family.S06E13
a frat. These "Tops" that you wear are completely
None of them would take us. inappropriate.
We'd start our own. Sorry to offend you.
Oh, my God. That sounds amazing. You know what?
Why wouldn't they take us? While I'm at it, Glen, shower more often.
Well, yeah, they'd take me, but I'd be like, Chuck, stop using "Reply all."
"No way, Bradley, A-and, Doris, no one cares
not without my little pal, here." about what you dreamt about last night.
I have mixed feelings about that, dad. Let's keep in mind this is a place of
Do you have mixed feelings about a hug? business, folks,
Yes. all right?
Well, I need one, so I guess I'm gonna go This feels good.
hug Andy. Is there a Carl?!
Fine. Lawyers.
Hey, Judy, that was a hilarious e-mail. Am I right, sport coat?
Pickles are better than men. That's not sport coat.
Did you get that? It was so-- I'm home.
Have you done any work since you came here? Oh, hi. How are you feeling?
I'm working the room. I'll be fine.
There he is. Sport coat. Oh, Jay, I'm so proud of you.
Sport coat? You made a sacrifice today.
I can't believe these idiots think you're You did the right thing for your son.
funny. Look how happy he is.
Okay. You know, I have a theory I guess.
why people here don't like you. Wait a minute.
I know why they don't like me. - What's that on his neck? - What?
It's cause dad makes me do all his dirty His rash came back.
work. No.
Look at this list of people I'm supposed You must have some Stella on you.
to reprimand today. No, no, I went to straight to the club
Let's see here. after.
Well, he does have a point, Glen does smell. Took a shower, maybe cried a little bit in
I'm gonna start with Lucy. there,
Lucy, the last person who likes me. changed clothes to make sure.
Oh, it's okay. Plus, I just got here.
Hey, Luce. A rash would take longer to come out.
Hey, Claire. I got you one of those cookies What's that smell?
that you like. - What smell? - It smells like flowers or
Oh, don't make this harder than it has to something.
be. I didn't get any flowers.
- Is there something wrong? - Yes. I smell something, Gloria.
It's not easy for me to discuss, but-- What's new around here?
Claire, I got this. The fact that you noticed something.
It's my complaint. I got it. It's you.
Lucy... What's new? What?
you're at work, so please dress like it. Perfume, lipstick?

第 8 页 共 9 页

-【1046】-
 Modern.Family.S06E13
I'm getting lavender with,
I want to say rose hips.
It's your face cream!
I did buy some more this morning, but--
The same kind that Stella was eating
before Joe's rash cleared up?
And now you're wearing it again, and his
rash is back?
No, it can't be my face cream!
Please don't make me say goodbye to my face
cream!
Stella was eating it to save Joe!
But that still doesn't explain
why I'm still feeling so much better.
I can breathe for th--
Stella's coming home a hero!
Lily, can you come out here, please?
Why do we have to do this?
Because she's become attached, Jay.
She's even sleeping with her now.
Hi, grandpa.
Hi, honey.
Lily, do you remember how I said
Stella was gonna be staying with us from
now on?
Well, it turns out...
she's gonna go home with grandpa.
Okay.
Lily, it's important to express your
feelings.
Don't bottle them up.
Okay. I can finally sleep without all of
her snoring!
All right, enough. Hand her over.
Come here, baby.
What is that?
Please don't make fun of me. I'm very
vulnerable right now.
Can you get me one?

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1047】-

Modern.Family.S06E14
Honey?
Did you remember to give Alex
and Luke their lunch money?
Ma'am, yes, ma'am.
What about the electrician? Did you give
him a check?
He's an electrician -- he'll charge us.
I'm gonna be late for work, Shecky.
Yes, I paid him.
Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Mm, no.
Gross and sweaty from running.
So for later tonight,
You thinking what I'm thinking, Valentine?
I believe I am.
Every Valentine's day,
Claire and I look forward to some naughty
role-playing --
sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana
and Clive Bixby,
speaker salesman by day, spy by night.
Lover also by night
and sometimes during the day.
The speaker business, it -- it pretty much
runs itself.
I just want to keep it really low-key this
year.
You know, simple.
Yep.
On the other hand,
we could have
a drink at that hotel bar we love.
Go on.
And come straight home...
Put on our Jammies,
and fall asleep in front of the TV.
Perfect.
Looking forward to it already.
Ew, but not those ones I hate,
those red satin pajamas.
I don't even know where those are.
I know I'll get over it,
but right now I hate Anders and Cooper.
Our dear friends Anders and Cooper
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1048】-
Modern.Family.S06E14
got married last Valentine's Day,
and we wanted to get them something really
special.
We found this exquisite little painting...
...of a winery in Napa
that we all visited last year.
It was a...bit pricey,
but they're really judge-y
and we knew they'd love it.
The problem is, so did we.
Thank you, Carmelina.
Oh, and here's s-something you can...
put in the other room.
- That was hard. - So hard.
Probably how Lily's birth mother felt.
Except we don't have nine
other paintings by five different
painters.
Oh, my God. Mitch, Cam.
Oh, God, are we early?
- This is so not like us. - I'm sorry.
No, no, no. The party's been canceled.
- Why? - Cooper's left me.
He's filing for divorce.
The marriage is over!
- Ohh, Anders. - Anders.
I thought we were in love.
You think you know the person sleeping in
the next bedroom.
I'll get us some drinks.
So sad.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be.
If it's really love,
you do everything you need to do to get back
what you once had.
You're talking about the painting, right?
Of course I am 'cause we don't owe him that
anymore.
- Go get it! - Okay.
Go get it.
You must have big plans today.
This is like your Super Bowl, right?
I'm sitting it out this year.
The whole holiday's gotten laughably
commercial.
Sounds like Amy turned you down.,

Like a bed in a five-star hotel.
I'll be drowning my sorrows
in a marathon of my new favorite true-crime
show,
"Lethal Ladies."
Amy may have dumped me,
but at least it wasn't off the lido deck
of a Carnival Cruise.
I know, Sonia.
Look who's back -- the Sangria sisters.
I invited my sister to visit
so that we could fix our problems.
You know, sister things,
like I never liked how she always borrowed
my brush,
or she never liked
how I stole her one chance to escape the
village
and I left her there, taking care of my
mother.
Things like that.
Jay, they delayed Sonia's flight until
tomorrow.
Why don't we cancel our dinner reservation
and the three of us celebrate Valentine's
here?
You don't have to do that for me, Gloria.
I usually spend Valentine's Day
selling artificial flowers near the well
in my village.
Where do you people live, National
Geographic?
I just feel so bad.
You have both shown me such kindness this
week,
and I repay you with bad weather over Tampa.
No, this is better.
It gets crazy out there.
I'm happy to avoid the fuss.
Wouldn't have minded a little fuss.
Maybe I've been kind of feeling taken for
granted lately.
I know only girls are
supposed to care about Valentine's day, but
--
Ah, what am I crying about?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1049】-
Modern.Family.S06E14
We get paid more, so what the hell?
Cooper didn't even have the decency
to leave me in time to cancel the caterer.
I have 300 of this wasabi shrimp if you're
hungry.
Oh, no, thank you.
Sardine rillettes, olive crostini --
What am I supposed to do with all of this?
Carmelina, that's for company.
Oh, well, there's Cam, so we should
probably go.
Oh, you were gone so long, I was afraid
you'd woken mother.
Uh, m-mother?
Didn't I mention?
She's recuperating here, just had both hips
replaced.
Oh, that reminds me --
I should put on the security camera in her
room.
- Did you get it? - Yes.
And guess where they keep the last-minute
wedding gifts?
Hint -- apparently you need your original
hips
to keep a nightgown closed.
Well, I'm glad you stopped by.
I really needed this.
Oh, Cam, get in here.
Oh, I have a little bit of a sniffle.
Oh, come on.
What's this?
Uh, that is, um --
That's a wedding gift for you and Cooper,
but once we heard, we didn't think it was
appropriate.
Oh, are you kidding?
There's no bad time for a gift.
I'm -- I'm sorry it's so late.
We just wanted to get you something
that you would really cherish.
Pretty much the best gift we've ever given
anyone.
Yeah, it's -- it's a beautiful...
Cheese plate!
Yes, I got that from the...
 Modern.Family.S06E14
whimsical phrasing. Thank you for not laughing and falling on
Are you sure you won't stay for one more, the floor
especially now since I've got this like my mother does when I say such things.
stylish cheese-delivery system? You know, it being Valentine's Day and all,
- Just one, yeah. - Great. I, uh --
What happened?! I got you a little something.
Obviously there were two gifts wrapped Ooh, laundry?
similarly, No.
and my eyes were watering Here.
from the thick fog of Vaporub back there. I can't.
Okay, well, we got nothing to lose now, Come on! Open it.
so go back and get the painting. Here, see that "S" there?
You know who gave him that cheap thing? That's for "Sonia."
J'marcus. She's got the first dollar she Oh, Jay, it's so beautiful.
ever earned -- I don't know what to...
Just go! Thank you!
Once Sonia blew up my Valentine's Day, When will I learn?
I could have sat around feeling sorry for I'm catnip to sister-in-laws.
myself. Years ago, I was sitting next to Dede's
Instead, I had a little chuckle, sister Cece
and I got the dog a gift. at Thanksgiving dinner,
I know it's silly getting Stella a and I threw a little charm her way.
present... You know, flash the baby blues.
So close to her birthday. And before I know it,
Is she around? she's rubbing her size 12s up and down my
I think she's upstairs in the bath. shin.
What? I just gave her a bath this morning. Dede caught her,
Oh, you're talking about Stella. went over the table at her.
Wait, you got the dog a gift? It took me and her sister Bebe to separate
Lot of attitude them.
for a guy whose date's a tub of Hey, where are you?
ice cream and a fuzzy robe. I've been trying you for 15 minutes.
You're spending Valentine's Day in a I know. We ran late.
"Cathy" cartoon. And then the car wouldn't start,
Hey, what's all this? so I had to call AAA.
I thought the three of us They said they're on their way, but who
were just gonna order something in. knows?
No. I ruined your night enough. I'm all greasy.
I'm cooking for you and Gloria Oh, honey, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
so you can have a romantic evening alone. Don't be mad.
Sonia, you don't have to do this. I am mad.
I want to. You were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.
It makes me so happy to prepare food for This is the one night we set aside for us.
you. I know, and I feel terrible,
Maybe someday I'll be preparing it for a but listen, finish your drink, come on
husband of my own. home.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1050】-

Maybe we'll have a romantic Easter.
Check, please.
I understand that your wife has had some
car trouble.
I wonder how that could have happened?
I must say, Juliana,
you're the last person I expected to see
here tonight.
Well, with any luck,
you'll be the last person I do see tonight.
Oh, my God.
Phil, I've had my eye on you for years.
I'm just so happy
we're finally gonna get some alone time.
I'm not scaring you, am I?
Quite the contrary.
Most women who meet me
almost instantly ask for some alone time.
Excuse me.
Darn it!
My showing was pushed up tomorrow morning.
I-I may have to make it an early one.
Are you sure?
'Cause you only have one night with me,
tiger,
and I'm as flexible
as a government-insured, zero-down,
variable-rate mortgage.
Who are you?
What do you say we get out of here?
- What are you doing? - Run, run!
But we haven't even paid for this.
We're outlaws, baby. Go, go!
That was such a rush!
You've never stolen anything before?
Only the entire show
of my high-school production of "The wiz,"
but I don't think that's --
Oh, glass elevator. Should make for an
exciting view.
It will for the people on the street.
Oh, my God.
I didn't even hear them get on.
Well, maybe it's time for an ear cleaning.
I don't know, you just sluiced them out
pretty good.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1051】-
Modern.Family.S06E14
I'm getting kind of hot, Phil.
What do you say we cool off a bit?
Aw, that would have been great, Juliana.
Too bad it's after...dark.
Sorceress.
You were right, Juliana.
This cool night air is just the thing.
Would the lady like my coat
so she doesn't catch a col--
Does that mean what I think it does?
Water's a little chilly.
Think you can come in here and help me warm
it up?
Baby, they haven't built a pool I couldn't
warm a little.
- Where's Cam? - Uh, tinkling again.
Nature calls so often,
I think she has him on speed dial.
Oh, what's that?
The motion-detector alarm in mother's room
in case she falls out of bed.
I turn it on during cocktails,
when I tend to forget she's even there.
What's going on? She all right?
Yeah, yeah, she's just tossing her leg a
little bit.
Oh, that kicky thing?
She's either having her rockettes dream
or her catheter's out.
She's fine.
Oh, we're out of ice!
The nightmare continues!
God.
Hey, I got it.
Okay, put it back.
I can't possibly have heard you correctly.
There is a box over there with a Santangelo
glass bowl
that they got us for our wedding.
We'll just say that the cheese plate was
a little joke
and that the real present is in the other
room.
Hurry!
You know, your coming around today
reminded me that Cooper and I got you a

wedding gift.
You did?
Well, now, this is a surprise.
Well, even though it doesn't say so on it,
it's a fish! Congrats.
Oh, my god! Plastic olive swords?
Carmelina, are you trying to be deported?!
All right, I got it back.
What is that?
This is Anders' wedding present to us.
He must have swapped it out
when he opened that monstrosity that he
thinks we got him.
We're getting our painting back.
- Go. - Me?
No, no. You've already done a recon of the
room.
You need to do this.
Okay, take it easy, "Mission impossible."
It's a bed and a couch, not a laser maze.
Now get.
A little champagne, and dinner will be
ready in 10 minutes.
Ay, gracias!
Oh, Jay, thank you so much for my new
bracelet.
You shouldn't have.
And speaking of jewlry and "shouldn't
haves,"
I was feeling sorry for Sonia,
and I gave her a little trinket.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah, but now the poor kid's got the hots
for me.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe I just don't know my own power.
I mean, you must get that sometimes.
Don't be mad.
And don't be whatever that is, either.
She hugged me and wouldn't let go.
It's not that crazy.
This has happened before.
Oh, yeah, that time
when Dede's lonely sister grabbed your leg?
Not lonely. She's a forest ranger.
She can't be tied down.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1052】-
Modern.Family.S06E14
Look, before I shuffle back to my bell
tower,
let me just say I know the look.
Ay, Jay, please.
I'm so sorry
that I didn't pay attention to you at all
today.
And now you're all crazy.
Gloria, I can't find the candlesticks!
Ay, don't worry. I go help you!
Gloria, are you all right?
My ankle!
Why is Joe's toy here?
Oh, gee, you really twisted it, huh?
All right, honey. Let me get some ice on
that.
I heard a crash. Is everything okay?
Yeah, Gloria turned her ankle.
I don't know if she's gonna make it down
for dinner.
Oh, no!
Should I bring your food upstairs?
No, she just wants to rest.
She told me to eat with you downstairs.
She doesn't want to make any --
...trouble.
That was the most exciting night of my life.
Would it break the mood if I clapped a
little?
No, I will allow it.
Ooh, look, they have the good q-tips.
I'm gonna steal us a bunch.
I'm gonna miss Juliana.
That lady knows where the bodies are
buried.
Oh, thanks, honey.
I know some years I miss the mark on
Valentine's Day.
This year, I wanted to make sure --
She's just so adventurous and surprising.
It's like I was parched,
and she quenched my thirst with a big goblet
of "Wow."
Well, we'll have to make sure your goblet
doesn't get so low
before we fill her up again.

I don't know what that means, but anyway,
I'm kind of thinking maybe we'll just go
home.
That showing really is early,
and I need to be sharp.
Are you sure?
I thought you wanted to sleep here.
Yeah, I got caught up
in the whole Juliana moment.
Hey, would you see if there's any sewing
kits?
I think we're out.
Yeah.
Something was off,
but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Claire, let's get a move on!
I'm coming. I'm coming. Hang on.
Well, look who's back.
Yeah, well, I would have changed,
but this is all I brought.
Change? When you're perfect?
Oh, that's so nice.
Oh, my, god, look at that.
It really has gotten late, hasn't it?
Not for a lady
of the evening like yourself, Juliana.
What's say we fog up that glass elevator
again
and grab a nightcap in the bar?
Then I put my finger on it --
My husband's in love with another woman.
- You like that, don't you? - Mmm, yeah.
Poor Gloria, though, huh?
She'll be fine.
Oh, you have a little something --
Oh, I'll get it this time.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, the soup is ready. I'll bring some for
Gloria.
I'm not crazy, right?
No. She's into you.
Thank god you wandered down here when you
did.
You see how she keeps sliding close to me?
It's like eating on a boat.
It's so much worse than that.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1053】-
Modern.Family.S06E14
It's straight out of "Lethal Ladies."
Look what I found in the trash.
Pictures of me and Gloria with Gloria's
head cut out?
She literally wants mom out of the picture.
Hold on, amigo.
- Is she infatuated with me? Yes.
Understandable, unavoidable.
But would she actually do something to her
own --
What?!
She just took a bottle out of her purse
and sprinkled it into mom's soup.
Okay, that's enough of this dumb TV show
for you.
We're talking about a perfectly believable
obsession.
You're trying to make this into something
that's --
Here, Manny.
That's for me? What about Jay?
Oh, it's too spicy for him.
I make another one just like yours for your
mother.
Eat it while it's hot. Okay.
Oh, my god.
She wants me out of the picture, too.
Of course.
Young woman meets a wealthy, older man.
Who wants a kid in the way?
That's the first airtight thing you've said
today.
But she's not a murderer
Stella, no!
Oh, that's nice. You'd let me eat the soup.
Just clean it up.
Open your eyes, Jay.
She wants you all to herself.
The red dress just like mom's,
the toy she knew mom would trip on,
the headless pictures?
She's crazy!
You think I'm crazy?
This is what I did with the pictures.
I made this Valentine for Gloria.
The dress I borrowed from Gloria

to go with your pretty necklace.
And the "Poison" is guasca,
a spice I brought from Colombia.
And there's Stella with the toy.
Which she leaves all over the house.
There's been some misunderstanding here,
but it would be so super
if you just wouldn't mention this to --
Me?!
As loud as these two are, the move like
cats.
I heard everything on the baby monitor.
How can you say these things about my
sister?
I was just trying to be nice, Jay.
I will call a cab and wait at the airport.
Now I know what your family really thinks
of me.
Sonia, wait!
I have been working on fixing my
relationship with Sonia
the whole week,
and because you think you're a sex machine,
you have ruined everything.
I'm sorry. I'll talk to her.
Sonia, I'm an idiot.
I jumped to some crazy conclusions today.
I mean, I could say it's because of
Valentine's
or, I don't know,
me feeling a little neglected,
but I know you could never --
Kiss me.
Yes, because you're my sister-in-law and,
uh --
We hid it perfectly, Jay!
Sonia, wait!
We've waited long enough!
One night with me, and you'll forget all
about her.
She doesn't appreciate you.
I hear how you fight!
That's just how we talk.
Give in to it, Jay. We both--
Oh, no.
I knew it!
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1054】-
Modern.Family.S06E14
How dare do you try to steal the life
that I stole from you?!
Let him go, Gloria! I love him!
Never!
He's my husband, and I love him more!
Ladies, ladies, stop.
W-who are you?
I-I-I'm a friend of you son's.
Oh, thank goodness.
I twisted my neck, and I need my pillow.
I'm in agony.
Yes, mother moving in was inconvenient,
but what did he want me to do, just get rid
of her?
Who does that?
I mean, a ghoul, that's who.
- Oh, no! - What's wrong?
Nothing. I was just reliving the moment
you told us about you and Cooper.
You're so dear.
You know that, that fish I gave you and
Mitchell?
That really wasn't the gift we picked out
for you.
- Really? - No, I was just being mean.
It's just that, when I saw that cheese plate,
I just --
Wait a minute. Did--
did you give us that because Cooper and I
talked about opening up a little cheese
shop?
Yes! Why else?
How sweet!
Carmelina's probably halfway home with it,
but I can make her walk back.
And this...
This is for you.
We really were so happy for you.
Oh, Anders.
Well, we should probably get going, but
look who is up.
Mother, where's your hat?
Look, Anders gave us the bowl after all.
It's a good thing you couldn't get the
painting.
We couldn't take it now.
 Modern.Family.S06E14
Well, enjoy the bowl. Not quite.
It's about time you boys had something I can't see you anymore.
pretty in the house. What?
Oh, you're fine. I can't believe I'm saying this
I love you. because you're the most intoxicating woman
Your husband's noticing another woman, a man could ever meet.
there's only one thing to do -- But, by some cosmic miracle,
step up your game. there's a woman in that house
I just can't wait to get in a hot bath I still find as sexy and exciting
and soak this infected toenail. as the first day I met her.
It's much easier just to take the other I should probably let her know that more
bitch down. often than I do.
Well, I-I like the sound of that bath. That's my bad.
I assume the tub will be ringed with scented But, point is,
candles? a guy like me gets that lucky,
Oh, well, I've got candles. I got candles he quits while he's ahead.
everywhere. It sounds to me like she's the lucky one.
Ever since my boyfriend stopped paying my Goodbye, Juliana.
bills, Where are you going?
they turned off the electricity. Sorry. Aren't -- aren't we --
Leaving us to generate our own electricity. Don’t, don't beg.
Although, candles can be nice It's beneath you.
if you're in the mood for, say, some Dirty But I --
Dancing. Please, go. My wife will see you.
Oh, I hate that movie. Go? Go where?
What?! Don't make this harder than it is.
There I must passionately disagree. Okay.
Or was that your game all along? Juliana, no.
Okay, if it's an argument you want, fine. Phil!
Fine! Phil!
Of course Johnny's gonna fall for Baby Really?!
because he's this big, dreamy country You know, I don't know why you are so happy.
bumpkin I've tried the Santangelo
and she is the shiny, new thing. in six different places.
But what happens when the movie is over, And it just make me
when he really gets to know her? hate everything in our house.
Two weeks out of the Catskills, and it's, We're moving.
"You wearing that again, Baby?
You borrow my razor again, Baby?
Isn't two glasses enough, Baby?"
Trust me, he is no longer having the time
of his life.
Juliana.
- Juliana, wait. - No.
Honestly, it is one minute to 12:00, Phil.
Valentine's Day is over.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1055】-

Modern.Family.S06E15
Okay. Found you.
I do have an open seat in first class,
if one of you would like a free upgrade.
No, thank you. I think we'll sit together.
After the amazing weekend we just had --
I'll take it.
I deserved that seat.
Three days in the woods with
Phil's ex-cheerleader buddies --
the old stories,
the spontaneous human pyramids,
constantly updating their tumbler Tumblr
--,
I smiled through the whole thing.
Problem is I was so convincing,
Phil thought I was having a great time.
What do I want? Some credit.
When do I want it? Now.
I'm sorry if I smell like a campfire.
I've been in the woods for three days.
I hate camping.
If I'm ever in the woods for three days,
it means I've been dead for two of them.
It feels good to laugh for real.
You look like you need a drink.
Hon?
Two chardonnays and a hot towel for my
friend.
Right away.
I love you, beautiful stranger.
I have to admit, I was a little miffed
that Claire grabbed the good seat,
especially after I gave her such a magical
weekend,
but I was determined to stay positive.
And then it hit me.
Everybody, Sal's here.
- Okay. - All right.
Is this straight?
You're throwing a baby shower
with a dozen men in tailored pants
sipping Bellinis.
Nothing about this is -- ugh, I can't even
finish.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1056】-
Modern.Family.S06E15
Really? The last word was too much?
So, we decided to get the gang together
to throw our friend Sal a belated baby
shower.
She's been a little hard to pin down lately,
but we knew she'd never miss the chance
to shower with a bunch of men.
You love that joke, don't you?
Well, because it's two different kinds of
showers.
This is little Sammy.
This is as long
as you've ever been in our house without
a cocktail.
No, thank you. Just a water, please.
Okay, everybody, drop your pearls.
I'm still breastfeeding.
All the books say, "Do it at least a year."
Jotham, drink this.
I can't. I'm leaving early to go to a hockey
game.
Kings versus Blackhawks.
They can call a team that?
Black hawks.
I've got to put this in the kitchen.
I make all my own baby food.
It's all-natural, no chemicals.
Uh, who is this woman?
She's not drinking, she's making her own
baby food.
Does Lily have any other plates?
I don't let Sammy eat off this plastic.
Uh, yeah, the far cabinet.
Okay. None of this makes sense.
I know. How does she breastfeed him
if she doesn't let him near plastic?
Mom, do I have a fever?
Ay, let me check.
You know, we have a thermometer.
Do you have to be so white all the time?
Oh, baby, go lay down.
You're such a brave, little boy!
He's faking it.
He's pretending to be sick
so he doesn't have to go to his cooking
class.

He has to go. Today's lasagna.
I've been starving myself all day for that.
He doesn't want to go
because there's a boy there that is picking
on him.
Cooking class?
You know, we're running out of places to
send him
where he can be cool.
I know. Enough is enough.
You have to teach him how to fight.
Yeah. That'll work.
You're doing this.
And don't tell him that this is coming from
me.
It's bad for a boy to know that his mother
thinks he's weak.
That's a lifetime of paying women
to spank him until he cries.
The kid is just not a fighter.
He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Just do it!
Fine, but I'm only doing it for the lasagna
and the extra food he's been bringing home
on Sundays.
Makes Mondays easier, you know?
Oh, my God, you're the Garfield.
One of you pretty ladies
want to take me to meet a girl later?
You think calling us pretty is gonna get
you a ride?
I'll take it.
Let me know when you want to leave.
Besides, I like Rose. I think she's good
for you.
This is a new girl -- Sarah.
I'm done with Rose. She crazy.
Easy, Macklemore.
What do you mean, "crazy"?
I'll tell you what he means.
Any time a woman challenges a man in any
way,
suddenly, she's crazy.
So, what did she do that was so crazy, Luke
--
Give you her opinion?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1057】-
Modern.Family.S06E15
Yeah, or what, did she dare to talk about
her feelings?
The words sound like you get it,
but your tone is throwing me.
Just tell me you said something nice when
you broke up with her.
I haven't broken up with her.
What?!
It just seems weird
to call someone up and give them bad news.
She'll find out somehow.
Ugh. Ugh, when did you become a guy? It's
gross.
You need to stand up and face her.
In person?
What are we, 30? Send her a text.
You need to break it to her gently.
First, tell her she's awesome.
And pretty.
If she was awesome and pretty,
I wouldn't be dumping her.
Just do it, you pig.
We all know I'm not gonna do it,
so if you want it done, here.
Oh, and don't go looking around on there.
It's not gonna make you like me more.
's-scuse me. I think you're in my seat.
Sir, we think you're in her seat.
No, I'm definitely 16c.
This is 19c.
Oh, darn it, that's three rows up.
Sorry about that.
That's all right.
Hi. Welcome.
Um, could you hang back a second?
I-I dropped my phone.
I may have, uh, what you're looking for...
- Right there. - Wait. What?
Hi. I'm a professional magician.
Holy sword-box, you're Edward LeGrand.
Yeah, I am. I am.
I-I'm Phil Dunphy,
p-professional realtor, amateur magician.
- Well, nice to meet you. - Hi. I'm Jillian.
I've been told I have magic hands.
I'm a masseuse.
 Modern.Family.S06E15
Why do you keep rubbing your forearm like I need her keys to start loading the gifts
that? in her car.
- Oh, I-I had a suitcase land on me. - Oh, I think she's changing Sammy in our room.
let me see. I hope she's also changing those drapes.
Hey, Phil... ohh. I don't want to sound like a sentimental
...I've got a great new trick I want to show softy,
you. but does anyone miss
Oh! Ooh, I can do tricks, too. the drunken whore she used to be?
This spot's connected to your tongue. Oh, I like the new Sal.
Can I stow your bag for you? Turns out, all she needed to bring out her
No, we'll be needing this. maternal instinct
Trashy magazines. was a little baby.
Oh, you're the best. I don't buy it. No, something's up.
Ooh. Caramel truffles. You do remember her suggesting we chuck
I even brought an extra fluffy neck pillow. Lily into the ocean.
Oh, this must be what a mother's hug feels Oh, Mitchell, calm down. Babies change
like. people.
Hello? Like you used to be a judgmental cynic,
Well, it looks like she's taking good care and then Lily -- oh, wait.
of you. You guys, Sal's not back there.
Well, she is my best friend. - Sal? - The drapes still are.
Listen to me, Julio. Well, that's weird. Her car's gone.
I want the gutters cleaned today, not What?!
manana. Let's not jump to conclusions.
If everyone thought my people were lazy,, In this neighborhood, her car could have
I would do whatever it took to not seem been stolen.
lazy. Well, you know, she did seem frazzled.
Comprende? May-- maybe she forgot to say goodbye.
Actually, we're gonna take off soon, Oh, and forgot all of her presents.
so we're gonna need you to turn off your And forgot her baby.
phone. You don't think that there's any way that
I'm actually not done talking, and two she would --
more. N-no.
Well, if I were you, I-I can't even say it.
I'd put down the burrito and get up that I can.
ladder. That gin-soaked tart abandoned the little
What are you doing standing there bastard.
and not getting drinks for me and my good What? He's fatherless.
friend, Claire? Am I wrong?
Actually, we just met. Okay, I've called Sal five times,
Oh, guys, guys, and she still hasn't picked up.
I can't let you do the cleanup all by I knew this whole "Earth mother" thing was
yourselves. an act.
Ronaldo will help you. Oh, maybe we should use our happy voices
Of course! when we're accusing a mommy
Uh, where is Sal? of abandoning her little baby boy.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1058】-

- Ugh. This is a true disaster. - Isn't it?
Someone put a Spanish roof
on what is clearly a mid-century ranch.
Oh, no.
Someone just went numero two.
And the aftershocks are still rolling in.
Here's her diaper bag. And...what's --
Oh, no. This, here's a note.
"I'm sorry to leave this way.
I'm not proud of it,
but I just can't do this anymore.
Goodbye. Sal."
It's getting harder and harder
to keep a positive spin on this.
Here. Have some cheese.
Oh, no. Thank you. I’m, I’m good.
Oh, my.
That is strong.
Oh, my goodness.
Hey. What are you staring at?
It's French cheese.
Costs more than you make in a week.
Okay, you might want to keep your voice
down.
- Claire. - Yeah?
That guy over there is checking you out!
I don't think he is.
My friend Claire would like to meet you in
the bathroom.
No. I-I did not say that.
Claire, why do you do that to yourself?
You are so pretty.
Hey, Phil, what time is it?
What's wrong?
My watch is gone, Edward,
what did you do?
Jillian, what's your middle initial?
"C," For Catherine.
And, Phil, what age were you when you first
kissed a girl?
12 cousin, 14 non-cousin.
Let's stick with non-cousin.
I think if you go to 14c, seat right over
there,
you'll wind up with what you're looking
for.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1059】-
Modern.Family.S06E15
It works on battery,
but, oh, my God, I'm excited!
Excuse me.
- Phil. It's me. - Oh, hey.
- What are you doing back here? - I need
a break
from the woman I'm sitting next to up there.
- She is the worst person on earth. - I’m
sorry.
I was hoping she might be a little less
aggressive with you.
Do you mind switching with me for a little
while?
Oh, honey, you don't want to.
It's hell back here, too.
I'm squished between this fat lady
who keeps digging into my elbow
and this huge, sweaty dude
who won't stop blabbing on about his job.
Well, could I get a hug? I could really use
one.
Sure thing. They want us back in our seats.
I didn't hear the little ding.
Your ears must be plugged.
Did you feel that?
No, I-I-I didn't feel anything.
This is scary. You should go back.
Amazing.
Thank you.
Sorcerer!
Not bad. I felt that one.
So good, Manny.
All right, really let one go this time.
Thinks about how mad this guy makes you.
- What's his name? - Gideon.
Oh, geez.
All right, think about what he did to you.
I'd rather not talk about it.
I don't know why you're smiling. Your
fennel's burnt.
Whereas I made a perfect butternut squash.
That's just butter.
Oh, yeah, I-I totally forgot the nut
squash!
Snap it. Snap it. Good.
- More. Good. - I’m done.

I'm not fighting anymore. It's not worth
it.
But you're doing so good.
You just have to turn your shoulder first
so that you can throw your weight behind
your punch.
If you want.
I already think that you're very tough.
This is all Jay's idea.
All right. Come on, kid. Show them who's
boss.
No. I'm more of a lover than a fighter.
Well, that's the goal, anyway.
Okay, papi, whatever you decide.
Don't let him leave this room!
Maybe you should teach him how to hit.
Oh, my God. Check it out.
Rose got your breakup text and wrote back.
She mad.
What? Give me that.
"Thanks for the dumbest breakup text ever.
Don't call a girl awesome, then break up
with her.
If I'm so great, why'd you dump me?
Get over yourself, you insensitive troll"?
What is her problem? She can't talk to you
like that.
She's not. She's talking to you.
I can't believe I ever liked this girl.
Our text was compassionate and respectful.
There was nothing dumb about it.
A million percent.
What are you doing?
This crazy bitch just messed with the wrong
crazy bitch.
This is unreal.
We always knew Sal was unstable,
but how could she do this?
We don't know that she's done anything.
Okay, let's just suppose for a second
that she's on a plane to Cabo.
What then?
Maybe this is part of a bigger plan.
You know, maybe the reason
we didn't adopt another baby after Lily
was because god wanted us available for
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1060】-
Modern.Family.S06E15
Sammy.
Who is this god that denies us a baby,
then gets a party girl pregnant,
only to have her desert the baby
so that we can finally get one?
The same god that impregnated a virgin,
sent Moses down the river in a basket,
and commanded Abraham to stab his own son.
God only does weird baby stuff.
Okay, yes, I'll admit,
there is part of me that would love to keep
this little guy
and raise him the way Sal was pretending
to.
Exactly. Lily could have a baby brother.
But there are systems in place here.
You can't just keep him
like a bunny you found in the yard.
That's crazy.
Listen, we discussed it,
and we think we should take the kid.
What should we call him?
Not sure, but definitely not Sammy.
Sammy Saltzman sounds so silly.
We can overhand shuffle,
and we can riffle shuffle...
But, you know,
there is no escape from the angry...
- Queen. - What?
Phil. What are you doing?
Making the best of a bad situation?
Why is that woman rubbing your shoulders?
Oh, uh, Jillian is a masseuse,
and this, of course, is Edward LeGrand.
Pleasure to meet you.
Now, if you could just give me my ace of
spades back,
it's in your pocket.
This is why you had to race back to your
hellish seat --
for back rubs and card tricks?
Do you have any idea what I'm going through
up there?
She clipped her toenails
because her "Oriental girl" didn't do it
right.

Claire, I'm sorry.
But I need you to check your pocket.
Insanity!
Thank you very much.
Don't be mad at me.
You're the one who grabbed that seat.
That was a pretty selfish move.
Yeah, I did grab that seat,
because I spent the entire weekend being
selfless,
and you didn't even thank me once.
Why would I thank you
for giving you an awesome weekend?
Awesome?
You spent the whole weekend rehashing
stories
about itchy, rusty, and loveboat.
How is that fun for me?!
They were always getting into stuff!
I came back here for some compassion,
and all you did was lie to me and blow me
off
so you could keep having your fun
while I suffer up there in first class!
Oh, my heart goes out to you.
Oh, stick it, Kreskin.
I'm sitting next to a cheese-eating
racist.,
I'm sorry about your card.
Don't be.
Son of a...
All right.
I'll be back -- pick you up at 6:00.
Now, remember, what did I teach you?
Violence solves everything,
and don't wind my fist up like Popeye.
It's not violence. It's self-defense.
You cannot let this kid keep pushing you
around.
Now, you walk in there like a badass,
and you make the best damn lasagna
anybody's ever seen.
I appreciate the speech, jay,
but I'll handle things my way.
Kid, one more thing.
Don't forget the garlic bread.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1061】-
Modern.Family.S06E15
- Because without that... i- - I get it.
Hey, Delgado.
Manny, I'm talking to you.
You want a piece of this?
Ow! What was that for?
Looks like I gave you a piece of this.
What the hell?
I was just offering you some apple crumble!
What? You were not.
Yes, I was! I felt bad about teasing you.
My therapist said
I was acting out because of my parents'
divorce,
so I was trying to be nice.
I'm so sorry. I didn't know!
Good shot, kid!
That'll teach you who to pick on, you punk
--
Not my boy!
He learned how to punch from the best.
His parents are getting divorced,
and he made me that dessert as an apology.
This whole thing was your mother's idea.
Ronaldo, you grab the roller thingy, and,
uh --
Oh! I'll grab that big mesh cage.
All right. Everybody, stop.
You can't just keep a baby
like it's some rabbit you found in the yard.
There are systems in place.
He has to stay somewhere tonight, no?
Yeah, how about right here,
because we know how to raise a child?
Oh, please.
We'll dress him and feed him,
and Conchetta can handle the poopy stuff.
I gave her Obamacare.
It's the least she can do.
We all want what's best for the baby.
Y-you're very nice people, but we've done
this before.
So? It's our turn.
I wanted a child for some time now.
My biological clock is ticking.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever
heard.

- Is it? I'm 44. - Or that is.
You are one mean lady.
We're not leaving without Felipe.
Well, then, you're not leaving.
Fine!
Did we settle on "Felipe"?
Phil.
Honey, what are you doing?
One second.
So, I have 20 fur coats in my closet,
but I'm the only one of my friends
who even wears them anymore,
so you tell me who's endangered.
Jillian's waiting for you in my seat
to give you a little back rub.
You don't have to do this.
You didn't have to be so great this weekend.
But you were, so thank you.
And I should have said that earlier.
Go enjoy the rest of your flight.
I'll deal with this.
"Deal with this"?
I'm a state senator's mistress.
You're my hero.
Wipe your feet before you come in!
Listen to that. First thing out of her
mouth,
she's telling us what to do.
Well, that stops today.
We go in strong. We hold our ground.
We let her know she's done pushing us
around.
Manny, why are you home so early?
Did you let him skip school?
No, mom.
I was kicked out
for punching a really misunderstood kid,
thanks to you.
Thanks to me? What, did --
I told him everything.
And you know what we realized?
There is a bully in our life,
and it's you.
You make the rules, you boss us around,
- and we're not gonna take it anymore. -
Mm. Yeah.
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Ah, look at you two,
standing up to the big, scary bully
that loves you and protects you
and wants you to be safe in this world.
You're just tiny, little men to me right
now,
and you need to leave this house and come
back with more respect!
And a pizza.
Oh, what?
You need to go first and check on your
mascara?
- We do need to eat. - Yeah.
I wouldn't mind some pizza.
We're not getting any pineapple.
You are getting pineapple!
We're taking it off our slices.
Don't waste any food, Jay!
I think we made our point.
Totally.
We'll get our own pizza -- eat it in the
car.
Give me one reason
why Sammy should stay here tonight
instead of with us.
Because we're experienced parents.
We have a crib!
We have a pediatrician.
Our house is babyproofed.
Our house was in Architectural Digest.
Ronaldo, please, you're not helping.
They don't know what that is.
How can you even fit another child in this
shoe box?
You're poor!
We have a beautiful house with a big yard
where he could throw the ball with the
gardener.
Okay, look.
If anybody's gonna adopt Sammy, it's gonna
be us.
Whoa! Do I have any say in this?
Sal! Oh, well, you're back.
What the hell are you four doing?
You walked out of here
and left your baby without saying a word,

so maybe we'll be asking the questions.
I told John John where I was going.
The drunkest guy at the party.
Excuse me for not wanting
to interrupt your fierce debate --
"Who's hotter,
Mr. Clean or the brawny paper towel man?"
- Mr. Clean. - Brawny paper towel guy.
We're not going back there.
That still doesn't explain why you would
leave
in the middle of your own baby shower.
I got freaked out when Jotham mentioned the
Blackhawks.
Every time. I hear it every time.
Sammy's dad is on the team, okay?
And he didn't know Sammy existed --
At least not until I just went down there
and I told him.
Oh, gosh. What happened? How did he take
it?
It turns out he's married.
Yeah, I could have googled that.
So he's out.
And you thought I deserted my own baby?
You did leave.
And then what -- what's up with this note,
huh?
Look -- "I'm sorry to leave this way.
I'm not proud of it, but I just can't do
this."
This diaper bag
is just a recycled purse from my single
days!
I got a lot of these notes lying around
for quick getaways.
You guys don't think that I can do this,
do you?
No!
- We always thought you could do it. - I
certainly don't.
- We don't think you can't do it. - Shut
up!
I don't think I can do it, either!
Oh, Sal.
I mean, it's just
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-【1063】-
Modern.Family.S06E15
so hard.
I feel so guilty that he doesn't have a dad
in the picture.
I don't know. I'm trying to do everything
perfectly.
It's exhausting.
And I haven't had sex in like a year.
This little dude --
He's the one thing in my life that I cannot
mess up.
I just wish I could give him a dad.
Well... what about us?
We could be Sammy's dad. All of us.
Yeah, Sal, we love you,
and we're always here for you -- whatever
you need.
Except we'll be in Capri all of July.
Seriously, Sal,
you and Sammy will never be alone.
You guys are so sweet.
Wait. June's no good, either.
I'm getting my neck done.
Oh my god. What did you do?
We stuck up for you.
Yeah. Rose had it coming.
She can't talk to you the way we do.
Well, Rose forwarded your texts to Sarah.
And now Sarah doesn't want to go out with
me.
Give me that phone.
What did the skank Sarah say to you?
Yeah ouch. Good opening.
So funny. We totally deserve that.
Totally. Good sense of humor.
- Oh my god. I love her. - Me too.
Don't worry Luke. We're gonna win her back.
We're just go...
Luke!
You think maybe we need dates of our own?
So bad.

Modern.Family.S06E16
What's the best first-person shooter
about genetically modified space marines?
Halo!
Honey,
have you been playing your new little video
game all day?
When you say it in that tone, it implies
that Luke and I
haven't been spending quality time
together.
- Which we have. - Can I talk to him?
Sure thing. Luke!
I don't think he's here.
I mean, I-I know he's not here.
Where is he?
I am certain he is probably out with his
usual crew of cut-ups.
You're not doing laundry, are you?
God, no. But I'm about to if I'm supposed
to.
No, no. Don't. Don't.
But can you vacuum out
the dryer vent before I get home?
I will absolutely do that.
Thanks.
I can't get in touch with Haley.
I haven't talked to her since we got in that
fight.
She around?
I think she slept at a friend's house.
What friend?
Not a normal name,
starts with a vowel, possibly foreign.
Oh, maybe Alex knows. Is she home?
Nope. I have not seen her for hours.
Does Haley know an Arjibarge?
- Hi, mom. - Hi, honey. Where are you?
I'm in the kitchen.
Alex? When'd you get home?
I've been here all day.
You should get outside, get some fresh air.
It's a beautiful morning.
It's noon, and it's freezing out.
Phil, honey, when I'm not home,
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1064】-
Modern.Family.S06E16
I need you to be present and keep track of
everyone.
Sounds good. Love you, too.
Alex, do you know where Haley is?
I mean, I know she was babysitting Lily last
night,
but I haven't seen her since.
By the way,
don't read the draft I sent you last night
of my college essay.
I just sent you a new version.
Uh, okay. I will go read that one right now.
Oh, my god. What are you doing? Are you
filming me?
Yes! I want you to see how crazy you are
acting.
Me?! I come to talk to you about something
important,
and then you start chasing me aound with
the camera.
I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine
hours ago
when I left for work.
I come back, and it's the exact same mess,
plus pickles and peanut butter!
I was running around doing stuff for my
crazy boss all day,
and then I got hungry,
and then the smell from the garbage almost
made me throw up!
That's exactly how I feel!
Leave me alone!
I have a lot on my plate!
Yes. Yes, I can see that, honey.
You left it in the sink!
Oh, my god!
I waited in line for two hours, but I got
it.
Ooh, we making a home movie?
Hello?
Hey, dad.
Dad, take the phone away from your ear.
Why would I do this?
Now I can't hear you.
Put it in front of your face.
How'd you get in my phone?
 Modern.Family.S06E16
Does this mean when we talked the other day Okay. So, have you had a good day?
that you knew I was in the can? Yes, thank you.
I do now. Uh, Lily,
How was the presentation? she made me her famous chocolate-chip
Actually went really well. scrambled eggs...
The client loves the whole re-design. ...which she then watched me eat.
They just want us to swap out the handles Yeah.
-- You got my present, didn't you?
- Damn it! - I know. No.
Only knobs want knobs. Darn it. They promised it would be there
No, Joe bit me. He's teething. on time.
I don't think it's a coincidence Oh, well, I can't wait to open it
that Andy took the weekend off. and check the date on the invoice.
Kid's like a beaver. - Hey, is that Claire? - Yeah.
I'm afraid to wear short pants. - Hi, Claire! - Hi.
Hola, Claire. Hi. Hey, uh, did you, uh, show her my gift
Hey, Gloria. yet?
How's your trip? Are you having any fun? No.
Uh...yeah. You know, it's a little windy, - Come on, show her, show her. - Okay. Yeah.
but, eh. It's good.
So, you're okay with me cutting Luke's hair, Wow, shalom and chh-appy birthday.
right? I know, right?
- Hey, mom. - Well, hello. Isn't it fantastic?
It's nice to know you're not dead in an Hey, Claire, did you get me some Garrett's
alley somewhere. cheese
Right back at you. and caramel corn yet?
Yes, I am fine with you cutting his hair. Oh, shoot, I forgot.
Just don't leave it too long on the sides. It's the one thing you had to do in Chicago!
I am very good cutting boys' hair. You are so right.
You should let me cut yours someday. I'm sorry that I let myself get distracted
Okay, bye-bye, Gloria. by my job.
You still there? Okay, I'm looking for sweet and salty,
Crap. Dad, did you know Claire,
it was Mitchell's birthday today? not bitter.
Of course. I already called him Relax, Cam.
because I'm a considerate person I'm sure there's a kiosk around here that
who really cares about his family. sells it.
I reminded him and dialed the phone. Good.
Fly safe. Guys, listen, yesterday, did Haley mention
And remember you can recline. where she was gonna go after she babysat
It's still America up there. for Lily?
Thanks, dad. No, but when you do talk to her,
Happy birthday! can you tell her
Oh, hey. Is it still my birthday? to please be careful with my powder-blue
Watch it, or I'll sing to you. suit
-Ha-- - Okay, okay, I give. that Cam let her borrow without asking me?

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1065】-

Why did she want a suit?
A friend of hers needs it for a wedding,
and Mitchell needs to stop
dressing like he's in a barbershop quartet.
Lily, honey,
did Haley say where she was going when she
left here?
- Who wants to know? - Aunt Claire.
Hey, Aunt Claire. I heard you were being
mean to Haley.
I was not mean to Haley.
Okay, you're screaming.
I don't know where she went. Maybe Dylan
knows.
Dylan? Why would Dylan know?
He came over, and they were talking on the
couch
while I was in the other room...
behaving.
She's still talking to Dylan? Really?
Oh, wait, guys, I got to go.
Uh, happy birthday, Babs.
What does she mean by that?
Hi, honey.
Oh, don't read that last draft.
I just changed something in paragraph
three.
Oh, oh, that's too bad.
Paragraph three had some of my favorite --
Oh, please, I can see your eyes
darting around the screen.
Just read the new one.
Can you just do me a favor and call your
sister?
If she's screening, I'm not making the cut.
Why don't you just snoop on her facebook
page
with your fake profile?
I don't have a fake profile.
Mom, save it. Brody Kendall just logged in.
That trick might've worked on Haley,
but I know that's a picture of Chachi.
Oh, my God. What?
Please tell me that's some kind of mistake!
Where? Which paragraph?
Get your father -- now!
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1066】-
Modern.Family.S06E16
Dad, mom needs you!
Tell her I'm in the shower!
Honey, who do we call? What do we do?
There's no way Haley's married.
Then why did she change her Facebook
status?
She probably didn't.
It could be a computer glitch, someone
hacked her account.
I just think we should stay calm until we
know the story.
Honey, I cannot get on a plane for four
hours
and be out of touch and not know what
happened!
It's not just the Facebook thing.
She borrowed a blue suit from Mitchell for
a wedding.
Something borrowed, something blue?
Do you get it?
Who would she even marry?
I don't know, but she was with Dylan
yesterday,
and if she was gonna marry him,
she would definitely hide that from us.
But that makes no sense. Why wouldn't he
call me?
- Oh, hey, Mrs. "D". - Hey, Dylan!
Oh, hi, Mr. "D"!
- Are you with Haley? - In what way?
Physically, romantically, maritally?
No. I'm at work. I have a career now.
Hey, uh, can you hold this phone for a
second?
So, you have no idea where Haley is right
now?
You mean spiritually, geographically?
Can you please stop spinning that sign?
No. My boss says if I do,
he'll replace me with one of those guys!
Go back to where you came from!
Dylan, focus!
I don't know where she is,
but I can sense that she's okay.
It's like we share the same brain.
Who has it now?

Okay, so, last night when you were with her,
she didn't say anything about getting
married?
Haley got married?! That's so upsetting!
Done.
- Hi, mom. - Do you have Haley's iCloud
Password?
Yeah, she gave it to me in a little envelope
with her diary key
and a list of things she's most afraid of.
Maybe we could guess it.
Claire, you accidentally hung up on me.
Oh, yeah, well, honey, you know me and
computers.
Mom's trying to guess Haley's iCloud
password.
Which, personally, I think is an invasion
of her privacy.
Ooh, try "Password."
I'm kind of glad that didn't work.
Wait, I think I remember telling her to use
something
that people wouldn't know about her,
like her favorite literary character.
I'm in!
What? What was it?
Snoopy.
And that could be your new nickname.
Okay. Find my iPhone.
Oh, no! She's in Vegas.
Are you serious?
Oh, hang on. I'm zooming in. Hold on, hold
on.
Let me see what I can, uh...
Come on.
And -- oh, God!
Honey, she's at a wedding chapel!
Okay, that's troubling, but think about it.
If she's not with Dylan, who would she be
marrying?
I don't know!
Alex, she had to have told you something!
Okay, you are really rubbing in our lack
of closeness.
She won't even tell me what conditioner she
uses.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1067】-
Modern.Family.S06E16
I have 12 minutes! Think!
I don't know. Ask uncle Mitchell.
They're always giggling about boys.
Oh, good! Okay, yes, I'm gonna do that.
I'm calling him.
If it helps,
I can alert my magician contacts in Vegas.
Although, they are better at making girls
disappear
than they are finding them.
What?
Lily, honey, I need you get Mitchell.
But they said I could have 20 minute of iPad
time.
Mitchell? Mitchell?!
Hey, what's up?
I-I really need to talk to Mitchell.
It's my iPad time!
Honey, what did I tell you about being
selfish?
Aunt Claire needs to speak to other daddy
just as soon as she gets me my popcorn.
What? You, Cam, I promise you,
I will get you your popcorn,
but right now, I need to talk to Mitchell!
- Okay, cheese and caramel. - Fine.
- And caramel. - Fine.
Hey, what's up?
So, I'm pretty sure that Haley is getting
married in Vegas.
- What?! - What?!
Yeah, I need to know who she's been dating.
T-there was this one guy who she thought
that she might like, but, I don't know.
She was weirdly secretive about him,
but I-I guess that could still be thing.
Oh, hang on, hang on, getting a call from
dad.
Do the thing.
Do the cute thing.
- Dad? - Claire?
- Dad? - Mitchell?
What are you doing in my phone?
You called me, dad.
No, I didn't. I'm shooting a video with Joe.
Am I in your kitchen with you?

No.
Then you're not shooting a video with Joe.
Hi, Jay! Claire was just about to go run
an errand!
Are you kidding me?!
Okay, for God sakes. Hold--
would you mind watching my computer for me
for a minute?
- Thank you so much. - Of course, dear.
Hey, Mitch, I'm liking the new hat.
- It gives you some presence. - What you
getting at, dad?
Nothing. It's a strong look.
Y-you like one of those tough guys in an
old western movie.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, I guess it is kind of badass.
What if I tilt it a little bit?
You ruined it.
I like your hat. It suits you.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
Well, you're welcome.
Okay, thank you.
All right, got your life-changing popcorn.
Yes!
Now, can we get back to figuring out who
Haley married?
Haley got married?!
Oh my gosh, I hope it was no to Jackson.
Jackson!
He was into some weird food.
Oh, God!
Whoa, Haley got married?! She is in so much
trouble!
Luke, what have you done to your hair?!
Claire, when you react like this,
you're just giving him what he wants.
Luke said that you knew about it!
I didn't know about it!
I said a parent knew about it.
Phil!
I know we're not there yet,
but I've been researching annulments.
Oh, we are there
because you let our child get a Mohawk!
Sweet!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1068】-
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We...had a bet.
You let him get a Mohawk because he won a
bet?!
- No, he lost the bet. - What?! Phil!
Well, I-I, would you rather I had a Mohawk?
- I have a career. - I-I don't have time
for this.
We've got to get back to figuring out
who Haley has married in Vegas.
- Hold on. Someone's at the door.- Okay.
So, Haley's in Vegas?
- Yes. - If you want, I can call Andy.
He's there, too. Maybe he can find her.
Andy's in Vegas?
Yeah, he borrowed some cuff links
from me for some wedding.
Oh, my God,
you guys don't think that Haley married
Andy, do you?
- Haley married Andy! - What?!
- What bet did he lose? - No, no, no, no,
no, no.
Andy is dating some girl in Utah,
and Haley knows that.
Even if Haley was attracted to him,
I would hope she would have the decency
and the self-control--
Oh, my God! Oh, my god, she married Andy!
I knew she was still into him.
She said he wasn't her type, but I'm like,
"He's a man. He's breathing."
Maybe this is why she doesn't talk to me
about things.
No, it can't be him. He's a very nice boy.
Claire, trust me,
Andy's not gonna run off and elope with
Haley.
He's a stand-up guy.
- It's a package for haley. - Open it.
Well, that seems like an invasion of her
priv--
Open it!
"What to expect when you're expecting."
Oh, my god!
I told you he was a stand-up guy.
She's not answering, phil.

Are you calling andy?
It's going straight to voice mail.
I can't believe she's pregnant.
Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Jump? Let's review.
She's been moody, eating weird food,
getting nauseous.
She left in the middle of the night
for a wedding chapel in vegas with her
secret love,
and most suspicious of all, she bought a
book!
Oh, no. What if you're right?
- What will we do? - I don't know.
I'll kill that Andy.
How could he be so irresponsible?
I mean, he's a good kid.
But to run off with my baby girl
after I fell for his "Aw, shucks" act!
Which is probably not an act because he's
genuinely nice
and he thinks "Shucks" is the "S" word.
Still, I want to kill him!
But that would be robbing my grandchild
of probably a really great father.
Damn you, Andy Bailey!
His last name is Bailey?
Oh, my god, she's gonna be Haley Bailey.
- Wait. I just thought of something. - What?
I'm going to be the first woman in my family
not to get pregnant and drop out of college.
Ooh, maybe that should be my essay.
I graduated from college.
Yeah, and haley got kicked out of college
before she got pregnant.
Okay, hang on, honey. I am sending you a
picture.
Do you think that this arsonist looks like
Andy with a beard?
No. He's not an arsonist.
Gloria hired him to take care of her baby.
Gloria. Right, of course.
You know how protective she is.
I'm sure she had him thoroughly vetted.
Hola!
Gloria, where did you find Andy?
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1069】-
Modern.Family.S06E16
At the park, chasing some children.
- Oh, my god. - I'm gonna call him again.
Hey, mom, check it out.
God, Luke, what have you done?!
I know. What does he have to rebel against?
Haley pregnant and me in a Mohawk --
This year's christmas card is gonna rule.
What's going on? Did you find her?
No, dad, no, I haven't found her. And you
know what?
This is all your fault
because you two introduced
this horny stranger into our lives.
Let me get this straight.
You're mad because your daughter got
knocked up
and ran off with some goofy guy
to get married behind your back.
I can't even imagine what that must feel
like.
Really? Now?
I can't think of a better time.
Jay, stop kicking her while she's down,
pointing out her mistakes at the same time
the whole universe is telling her
that she's a terrible mother!
Oh, my god, okay, can't do this. Got to go.
Bye.
I miss my little girl!
Claire, don't do that.
Yes, Claire, don't do that!
Look...
You're not gonna find her at the bottom of
that tin.
You're not near the bottom of that tin, are
you?
I'm gonna be a grandmother!
Aww, there, there, dear.
Okay, Claire...
We don't know anything for sure yet.
So take a deep breath...
...put the popcorn down...
And just get your...
Not cool, grandma!
Okay, Claire, listen, listen.
Sometimes life hands you things that you

don't want
and -- and they turn out to be exactly what
you need.
And, oh, my god,
I think I just talked myself into liking
this hat
because I keep seeing myself in it,
and I'm like, "Who is that handsome Yentl
man?
Are you serious right now?
Oh, god, I got to go.
I'm sorry. I wasn't that helpful. Are you
okay?
Our little baby got married without us.
I was supposed to give her away.
I was supposed to walk her down the aisle
and give her husband-to-be one of these.
"That's my baby girl.
You take care of her."
- Yeah. - 'Cause that's what dads do.
I got to call my dad.
Please don't tell him
I was in charge when she left.
Hello. Can you see me?
Thumb, dad.
The minute they got rid of rotary phones,
everything went to hell.
Dad, I'm really sorry that I eloped.
You were a great dad,
and you should've been there to walk me down
the aisle,
and --
and I've never apologized for taking that
away from you.
Well, we got to do that thing in Hawaii,
and that was nice.
Yeah. Guess what goes around comes around,
huh?
Look...you're in the eye of the tornado
right now,
and you can't see anything but
your life swirling around you.
But Andy's a good guy, just like Phil,
and years from now, you might look back on
this
and think, "The best thing that could've
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1070】-
Modern.Family.S06E16
happened...
was that dipstick knocking up my daughter."
That's so sweet.
- Was he listening?! - Yeah.
This dipstick loves you, too, Jay!
I take it all back!
- Jay! - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I am trying to fix it!
Gloria's talking to me. Some of it's in
English.
Claire, Claire! Look, look, I fix Luke's
hair!
Oh, my god, he looks like Shemp!
Okay, yes, it's true, but --
but maybe if I cut a little bit more on the
sides or in --
Oh, no, no, no. No more cutting.
Just give me a chance to get used to it.
- Oh, it's Haley! Haley's calling! - What?!
Hi, mom.
"Hi, mom"?!
We have been trying to get in touch with
you all day!
- I've been in bed. - Oh, goodness.
I don't think we need to hear the details.
Haley... we know everything.
And I understand why you hid it from us,
and while we are not happy, young lady,
we're gonna work this out.
Uh, before I admit to anything,
maybe you could be more specific?
Haley! You're home!
Yeah, I've been home all day. I've been
sleeping.
So, you didn't get married?!
Married?! Why would I get married?!
Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby!
What?! Why would you think that?!
Because you changed your Facebook status
to "Married"
and then we tracked your cellphone
to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
And you ordered this book!
Wow, first of all, it's called privacy.
Google it.
Second, I married a cronut.
 Modern.Family.S06E16
What?
Last night, my friend Andy and I,
we went to go get cronuts,
and I said that they were so amazing,
I wanted to marry one,
so I posted it on Facebook as a joke.
Then I accidentally left my phone in Andy's
car,
which he drove to a friend's wedding in
Vegas,
and that book is for my crazy boss
because he's designing maternity clothes
and he wants to get inside the mind of
preggos!
Thank god!
I'm so relieved!
Wait a second.
How did you get onto my Facebook page?
I unfriended you.
She's Brody Kendall.
Oh, my god, gross!
I've been playing Candy Crush with my
mother!
How did you track my phone?
Well, I don't think that really matters,
and there's a perfectly reasona--
Oh, cut it out. I can see people walking
behind you.
Okay, got to go.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1071】-

Modern.Family.S06E17
Okay, Lily, ballet at 11:00,
then a playdate, then karate class at 3:00,
so why don't you go get your uniform?
Chop chop!
- Cam. - What?
She's in karate. It's not offensive.
Debatable, but why would you
schedule all this extra stuff
on the same day as her talent show?
Okay, are you accusing me of overscheduling
our tone-deaf daughter so she's so tired
she misses the talent show and doesn't
humiliate herself?
Lily has no talent.
Because she's 7. No one has talent at 7.
I did. Tons of it.
Sheep-shearing, cornhusking, hay-baling.
It was hard for me to pick just one to
showcase
at my first little prince pageant.
In the end, I went with waltzing.
You waltzed at 7?
Barely. My partner had two left hooves.
I got it!
Hey, wait. Isn't my talent show today?
Oh, who knows? But let's go ride some
ponies.
No, no, you're right. It is today,
and since you have a little bit of time
before ballet...
Why don't you two do a little bit of warming
up?
Maestro? Come on.
- Oh, okay, great. Thank you. - Yeah, yeah.
So, Lily, can you meet me here at... *C*
*Now daddy's lonely*
*I'm there with you*
*No, you're not, you're not even close*
*This can't possibly sound the same to you*
*Maybe I can help, daddy is also here at...*
*No, that's not even a note*
*I feel like you're doing it on purpose*
*That seems a little bit sharp*
*I'm never sharp, I'm pitch-perfect*
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1072】-
Modern.Family.S06E17
*I'm talking about your tone toward our
daughter*
*I can understand you even when you're
singing*
What are you doing?
I am gathering every binky that is in this
house,
because from today on, Joe is going cold
turkey.
Okay, Joe, have your last puff if you want.
Gloria, I'm trying to watch something here.
Okay, you can keep crying all you want.
I can't hear anything. Try growing up in
Colombia.
My binky was a spark plug.
Luke, how could you forget your bathing
suit?
You came over here to swim.
It's all right, honey. He can wear mine.
I'll borrow from Jay.
You have a favorite I should keep my hands
off of, Jay?
That ship sailed about 20 years ago.
Zinger!
Save some of that charm
for our commercial shoot today, dad, huh?
You see what our competition's doing?
See the lasers? Special effects?
I'll bet they spent 5 million bucks on that
thing.
Don't worry, dad.
The concept I came up with is so much better
than theirs.
We're scrapping it.
What? I worked for two months on that.
Sorry. We gotta go with what's proven.
We're remaking my old commercial.
30 years ago, my dad was in a local ad
for Pritchett's Closets,
and he has always been
really proud of the slogan he came up with.
I've never understood what it means.
Pritchett's Closets --
Choose one of our nine luxurious models
like the Monte Carlo.
Or how about a custom design

using our state-of-the-art technology?
Come visit Pritchett's
and go home with the closet of your dreams.
Closet? You'll love it!
The entire town went nuts for that ad.
People stopped me in the street,
asking me to say the slogan.
Are you sure they weren't asking you to
explain it?
What's to explain?
Instead of "Like it? You'll love it,"
you use the word "Closet."
Then why not, "Like it? You'll closet!"?
That makes no sense.
Look, I know it was rough on you and Mitch
having a famous dad,
you know, getting your picture taken in
restaurants.
That happened one time, dad. Only because
you were
with Ralph Berman, "Garage door opener
king."
Hey, he was eating with us.
The point is,
that ad scored for us, and it will again.
So we're gonna flush all my hard work
because you got freaked out by some
commercial
that's not even that catchy.
*Closets, closets*
All right, get there!
Hey, if you really wanna impress Beth when
she gets here,
you should try for that giant elephant.
Oh, penguin's just as good.
Money!
I just spent a lot of money. A lot.
Sorry. I had to check in at the job.
Always something going down at the Hut.
You work at the Hut?
I would guess pizza,
but based on your ripply stomach I saw
when you helped me get down off the gondola
ride,
I'm gonna guess... Sunglass Hut.
Yep, Chase picked out these vintage-y
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1073】-
Modern.Family.S06E17
sunglasses
that look like I could've been murdered
at a cool house party in the '70s.
Ooh, you've been framed.
You should use that.
At your job at the Hut.
You just said "Jabba the Hut."
I'm really lost here, guys.
That smarts.
- Again? - Yeah. Uh, it's probably just
motion sickness.
Uh, yeah, the motion of shoving deep fried
garbage
in your mouth all day.
It's my manager again. She's always on me.
Can't wait till the fall when she's off to
college.
Yeah, Maureen?
Beth's not coming.
She's too tired to drive up from San Diego.
So this Beth, who I've never actually met,
is she one of those real-life move-around
girls?
No, she is a real girl.
Fine, but, you know, she flew all the way
over here
for some coast guard training.
She can't drive a couple hours to see you?
She's been saving drowning mannequins all
morning,
and some of them are plus-sized,
because a lot of people fall off cruise
ships.
Okay, but doesn't it bother you
that she's flaked for, like, the hundredth
time?
I know you have a problem with Beth,
but what we have works for me, okay?
And if we're pointing fingers...
I want you to help me find my keys.
Wait. Shh.
- They're in my jacket. - Okay.
Got it.
Mom, that perv is ogling you again.
No! I was reading my horoscope.
"You will borrow a huge swimsuit today."

What?
Ay, no, the plane!
The plane! It's always spying on me!
Go away or I'm gonna call the policeman!
Wow, don't even waste your time, Gloria.
Johnny Law's got no chance with that baby.
You're looking at a freeling cloudgazer
with after-market frequency scrambler.
Untraceable.
As you can guess, I'm a droner myself.
Yes, you're droning right now.
Ay, it's getting closer!
Mom, maybe you should cover up.
No! That's crazy.
We can just knock it out of the sky.
Manny, grab the hose.
I'll use this to blind it.
My eyes!
My eyes!
And just like that, it disappears.
In his defense, the water's really cold.
You're still rehearsing.
We sure are, and we found a more appropriate
song
for Lily's singing voice.
Really? Well, I'd love to hear it.
Okay.
*Everybody was kung fu fighting* *We are*
*Those kicks were fast as lightning* *We
are*
*In fact, it was a little bit frightening*
*We are*
Okay, stop, stop, stop.
No, come on. No. No!
This is ridiculous. She's not even singing.
She wasn't singing before either.
Okay, go get some water.
- Cam. - Mitchell, I just don't want her
to embarrass herself
in front of her friends, not to mention the
parents.
I can already hear Andrew's condescending,
"Hmm."
Oh, my gosh. You're still competing with
Andrew.
He staged a coup, Mitchell.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1074】-
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He forced me out of the group I founded.I
founded it.
The Greensleevers were Southern
California's
premier holiday chorus
and "Just the nutmeg we want
our yuletide eggnog dusted with"
- "L.A. Times," December 23, 199... - I
remember.
Oh, I remember. I remember.
So you're not worried about Lily
embarrassing herself.
You're worried about Lily embarrassing
you.
Not so much now that she's not singing.
Lily is gonna sing whatever she wants,
and you're gonna get over this thing with
Andrew...
Because a grown man should not have a
nemesis.
- It's ridiculous. - You know what's
ridiculous?
Is being forced to turn in your jingle bells
to a man with less vocal range than a
teakettle.
Oh, I thought you had a date.
I did, but I bailed. He's not exactly the
sharpest shed.
What is his deal?
I took his pacifier hours ago,
and he's still crying. He's being such a
baby.
Well, maybe he's just not ready to give them
up.
No, I promised my mother that he wouldn't
use it anymore.
Her uncle used it until he was 4,
and now he's in jail.
I feel like a lot of your family stories
end that way.
I'm gonna put on a bathing suit.
Hi, Manny.
Please stick Joe in front of the TV.
He always calms down when he listens to...
Closets, closets, closets, closets.
Dad, you might wanna see this.

He put us on YouTube?
He called it "Drone 1, idiots zero."
It has 32,000 views.
We have to strike back.
That drone just messed with the wrong
idiot.
Andy's in the hospital.
What? Why?
Appendicitis.
Is he okay? Maybe I should go down there.
This is not good.
My second cousin got appendicitis,
and now he's in jail.
Closet? You'll love it.
And... cut.
Uh, that was great, Jay.
Let's try it again. Maybe a little lighter.
Lighter.
Yeah. Just, you know, happier, warmer.
Even more?
All right.
From Jay's line. Here we go. And...
Action.
Closet? You'll love it!
Cut.
You see that was exactly the same, right?
I do.
- So what does it mean? - I don't know.
So do we have it?
I gave you, like, 10 different choices.
Let's not overthink this, huh? Just pick
one.
Okay. Well... give him a minute.
- He'll calm down. - Sure.
- Uh, hey, Claire? - Yes. Yeah.
So we were just talking,
and strictly from a marketing standpoint,
- do you think Jay is, um... - He stinks.
He's the worst. So bad.
And, um... strictly from a keeping-my-job
standpoint,
it would be so dope if you told him that.
Oh, God. I can't fire my dad!
I know. I know. It must be hard,
but you realize it's the best thing for the
company.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1075】-
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- Yes, I do. - Okay.
Can I at least count on you to back me up?
Totally. Come on. We both know your dad is
incredible.
Do you see him today? He's like George
Clooney
but older, but better.
I... thought that was Jay. I'm sorry.
Oh, man. Almost fainted.
Just gonna put my head between my legs.
Plenty of room down there.
We'll now take a break to sweep up the
confetti
that was definitely not mentioned in dress
rehearsal.
Okay, here comes Andrew.
Just act like we don't care
about the whole Greensleevers thing.
Ooh, I hope I could pull this off.
Cameron.
Andrew.
Enjoyable show.
- So did you... - Direct? No, not this year.
Ah, I didn't think so.
You're...
So we're really enjoying the show, too.
it's all about the kids, you know.
Sorry. They only had flat.
Mitchell.
Simon.
Turns out recently, Andrew married Simon.
My bitter rival from law school.
Or... nemesis?
I've...
So how's work?
I'm sure you heard I made partner
at Gotshal, Manges, Flom, Arps&LeBoeuf.
And I'm actually at the justice institute
now.
So rewarding.
Oh, I think our firm donated
one of our old fax machines to you guys.
We better go. We're moving closer
because our daughter's about to perform.
Yours is from Vietnam, right?
We were able to adopt one from Korea.
 Modern.Family.S06E17
So... At least it's far away so you can't tell
Did he really just end a conversation on it's us.
"So..."? Yeah.
Let's just take our seats. Oh, great. Another comment.
No, Cam, I-I don't know if this is "LOL. That's my realtor, Phil D--"
the most supportive environment for Lily Okay, let's just grab her and go.
to -- She's up after the next act.
- I agree. Let's get her out of the show. Hey, we're doing the right thing.
- Okay. Yeah. You can develop deep emotional scars at age
And are Koreans really better? 7.
I don't know. I still can't eat--
Chicken's in the pot. Salt and vinegar chips. Yes, I know.
I repeat, we have eyes on the chicken. I can't relive this with you right now.
Eat paint. Damn it. I missed. I'm sorry. Okay.
Luke, gravity! Look at her.
Shut up, nerd! Yeah. Add mouth-catching to things she
Plan "B"! If you can't beat 'em, drone 'em! can't do.
Activate voice control! No. I mean, she's not nervous at all,
Forward 10 feet. and look at the other kids. They're a wreck.
Oh! It's attacking! Get down! You know, she may not have gotten our
Damn it. Deactivate voice control! talent,
Plan "C"! Follow it home! but she didn't get our self-consciousness
Hurry up! either.
Hey! That's my bike! Well, we're not giving her our
We're all making sacrifices! self-consciousness.
I'm wearing a monokini! Today is her day, and she is--
Hey, Lizzie! she is gonna sing. Come on.
Okay, I need to borrow this, okay? Hi, my mom's doing chemo,
Here, just -- all right. Okay. so I shaved my head to be like her.
I promise to bring it back, all right? This is for you, mom.
No, that's what you said about my mom's *And I*
humidifier! *I*
He's heading for the river to try and lose *Will always love you*
us. Hey, hey, we got a problem.
Damn you, Denise, at the patent office What's wrong, sweetie?
for stalling my auqabike! I can't go after her.Are you kidding?
Look out! Okay, well, honey, we can't just leave
You okay? right now.
It's gonna take more than a little truck Sorry, gotta run. Maya's feeling a bit
to st-- feverish.
- Are you guys okay? - Yeah. Oh, well, I guess some people can't take
This isn't over yet! You know that! the heat.
Oh, God! Dad! - Can you believe that? - No.
Phil! Okay, now we can leave. Let's go out the
"Drone 2, idiots zero." side door.
Come on! Hey, dad, I--

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1076】-

I tried to grab you after the shoot,
but you just flew out of there.
I didn't want it to seem like
I was hanging around for compliments.
There, there was some discussion after you
left.
Keep it moving, buddy!
A-a few people feel that you came across
a little--
Sign says "No menus"!
What'd you say?
The group thinks
that maybe it would be for the best
if, if someone else was our spokesman.
It's called Pritchett's Closets.
Yeah, I know, but you were coming off
- just a tiny bit - Damn kids.
It's mine now!
- Tiny bit grumpy. - Grumpy?
There's nothing wrong with being a little
gruff.
That's how you are.
- But when it comes to selling, dad-- - What
do you mean?
What do you mean, how I am?
Is that what people think of me, that I'm
some big grump?
Dad, that cannot be a big shock
that kids call you "Grumpa."
Since when?
Not to your face?
Cowards.
So if I get "Grumpa,"
what do they call Phil's dad?
You know, just "Funpa."
That mound of human silly string gets
"Funpa"?
That's not the issue, dad.
No, no, I know what the issue is.
You're saying I'm not warm and cuddly
enough
to sell closets anymore.
It's a day that every father knows may come
but hopes it never will.
Are we sure every father--
Stop hurting me!
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1077】-
Modern.Family.S06E17
Hey, how you feeling?
Oh, looks like they got you
on a bunch of good drugs before your
surgery.
I just came in to check on you.
Pretty scary going through this all by
yourself.
Too bad your girlfriend couldn't be here.
Beth is real.
I know that.
No.
Beth is real.
Okay, you really wanna talk about it?
How real is your relationship?
Real is when someone finds out that you're
in the hospital
and drops everything because she doesn't
want you
to be freaked out and alone.
Look, I'm not trying to be mean.
It's just, you ever think you might be
settling for something here?
We've-we've all done it.
Talked ourselves into the penguin
because we didn't think we had a shot at
the elephant.
If I'm your elephant,
you have a shot.
That's what I'm trying to say, dummy.
I'm glad he's finally asleep.
He kept going on about Beth Israel in
hospital.
I told him his insurance is fine.
We can do the surgery here.
Beth Israel?
Oh, my god. Andy, are you okay?
He's okay, right?
Uh, yeah, he's sleeping.
Oh, thank god.
I'm Beth, Andy's girlfriend.
Oh. Hi. Uh, Haley.
Of course.
Andy's told me so much about you.
I'm so sorry about missing the carnival.
I've just been up for two days straight.
Well, you're here, so I should go.

Okay. Thanks again.
Listen, listen.
It worked. He stopped crying.
Oh, so good for him. I'm glad. So listen.
Who are these beautiful people?
They must be cousins of yours?
Yes, they are --
Wait a minute.
You turned it off.
And I thought that he was finally getting
over his binky!
The screaming is driving me crazy!
The screaming is driving everyone crazy,
Gloria.
You either have to turn this thing off,
or I'm going up there
and giving him my keys to suck on.
Hey-o! How's my beautiful wife?
What happened? Why do you look like that?
I'm just happy to see you.
You look like a crazy person.
Dad, what are you doing with your face? Come
on.
Did anyone else notice that Joe stopped
crying?
Back from the talent show early. Don't ask
why.
I love it when children have talent.
Why are you smiling like that?
Did something happen to mom?
Put your face back to what it used to be.
Come on, dad. Just drop it.
So now I'm too happy.
Make up your damn minds!
There he is.
I've got it.
Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
Save it, Claire.
I watched what we shot today.
Yeah, I'm not that cheery,
likeable celebrity I was 30 years ago.
I am an old grump now.
When did I turn that corner?
You haven't. You haven't.
I mean, you're creeping up to it.
You got your blinker on, but...you haven't
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1078】-
Modern.Family.S06E17
yet.
I saw it happen to my dad, you know?
One day, hap-go-lucky rotary drill
operator,
the next he's rowing his Schlitz at the TV
'cause some lady sportscaster came on.
I swore I'd never be like that.
You're not that bad. If you were,
why would we all spend all our time over
here?
Oh, you just come here for the pool.
That's not...That's not true.
No. Crazy.
Dad, you are a long way from turning into
grandpa.
You know, I was with him
the first time he saw sushi in the grocery
store.
He grabbed the price check mic
and treated us all to a little lecture on
Pearl Harbor.
You just have to fight it a little.
I appreciate it, honey.
I'm not sure some of this
just isn't natural order of things.
Bogey at 10:00! Move it!
This is not a drill!
What?
Gentlemen, on my count,
let slip the dogs of war!
What the hell are you three doing out here?!
Now if we have a prayer at this thing,
we have to triangulate.
Phil, stay where you are.
Luke, by the tree. Give me some of those
oranges.
Here you go.
Now let's go on my count,
'cause nobody starts at 8.
Get the hell off the space above my lawn!
Take a look at this. Look at this.
We did it!
We did it!
Drone 2, idiots 1!
Some boys need a little help,
but not all boys.
 Modern.Family.S06E17
No binky.
All right, dad, we're ready for you.
Just give us five minutes.
Seems like a waste of time, but go ahead.
Closet, but no cigar.
Why? Because we closet.
I'll have what she's closet.
Mama always said
life is like a box of closets.
On your mark, get set, closet.
Let's get ready to closet!
Say hello to my little closet.
Damn it. They all good.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1079】-

Modern.Family.S06E18
You're still on that thing?
What are you constantly looking at on your
computer?
Is that a question
you really want people asking around here?
Indeed, it is not.
I'm just checking college acceptances.
I mean, they should be posting them any day.
You cannot spend your entire spring break
worrying about college admissions.
You should go to that -- that music festival
thing with Haley.
Do something fun. Learn to relax a --
Do we have to keep every remote we have ever
owned?
Somewhere in a landfill, a laser disc just
ejected.
Uh, I can't bring Alex to the festival
because I am going for work to research new
fashion trends.
I need to blend in, you know?
Everyone will think she's a cop.
Well, I could sit here and worry and ruin
my day,
or I could go with Haley and ruin hers.
I'll grab my sunscreen.
Good morning.
Hey, Dad.
I hate to shame you, but Haley woke up
before you.
Well, Haley didn't run a 10K yesterday
to raise awareness for alopecia.
What's alopecia?
That is why I run.
Honey, I could really use your help
with spring cleaning today.
I got to get all these boxes down to the
donation center.
Wish I could, but I've got work.
Then Luke and I have got some important
trampolining to do.
I just love how equally we divide our
responsibilities.
Figured we'd do a little father/son bonding
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1080】-
Modern.Family.S06E18
since your school trip was canceled.
You can teach me the Dunphy Tuck.
I love your enthusiasm, son, but it's way
too dangerous.
One wrong move, and you're eating springs.
Oh, no, no, those are --
Is that my banjo?
When I met this little lady sitting next
to me,
it was love at first sight.
Yep, I've been noodling around on the ol'
flyswatter
for a couple of years now.
I was inspired by the greats
-- Scruggs, Kermit.
It's hard to practice, though,
because it gets Claire so hot and bothered.
- What do you -- - I think I've heard enough.
Lucky for you,
I've got time for a couple verses of
"Shortnin' bread."
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, it's in the box. It's leaving the
house.
I-I can never hear that awful thing again.
- But you called me "Banjovi." - I know.
I did whatever was necessary to make it
stop.
Wait. Does that mean you also didn't like
my bagpiping?
Is that why we have Luke?!
It's not.
Is it?
Ay, Cam, no dessert for you?
No, none for me.
I have to fit into a skintight cat costume
tonight
because I'm gonna --
Whatever you do behind closed doors
is your own business.
Because I'm singing "Memory" at the faculty
follies.
It's a fundraiser
where the teachers do a little talent show.
Ay, maybe I come see you.
I need to find something to watch

since I had to give up my soap operas.
Oh, because you've been neglecting Joe?
No, it's because I asked Jay to stop smoking
cigars,
and he said that he would quit
if I stopped watching the soap operas.
But it's very hard.
What's so damn hard?
It's the same thing every week --
Amnesia, evil twins,
two ladies end up fighting in a fountain.
I mean, what is it? Is it some sort of an
escape?
It's better than blowing smoke in our
baby's face.
Where did he go, anyways?
Oh, there's an e-mail from Lily's scout
camp.
- I hope everything's okay. - She's fine.
Mitchell's nervous because he's not a
camper.
His idea of roughing it is a hotel stay
where the cable doesn't get Bravo.
They should tell you that when you check
in.
Oh, boy. Okay, here's a photo, look.
She's using the signal.
What signal?
The kids aren't allowed to call their
parents,
but the camp sends out photos,
so we have a code.
Yeah, "We."
One finger, she's fine.
Two fingers, she's unhappy.
Look at this -- two fingers.
I don't look at pictures on a phone.
If it's a good shot, get a print, put it
in an album.
Interesting time to take a stand.
But she looks like she's just doing
the bunny ears behind her girlfriend.
Which is exactly what she would do
to get a secret signal past the
authorities.
Okay, it's a scout camp, not Leavenworth.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1081】-
Modern.Family.S06E18
She's smiling. What are you worried about?
Because it's her first time away from home.
It --
You know what? That's probably it.
I'm just -- I'm stressing out, so --
You know, I'm -- I'm gonna go to the office
and pick up some papwork.
You know what? I'm gonna tag along with you.
You can drop me off at the club.
I'm not really going to the office.
Don't care. Need a cigar.
Based off the walk I just took,
side-boob is the new butt crack.
So, you want to head down front?
Alex!
Okay, you need to drink this.
I'll get a new one.
Uh, is there vodka in here?
If there is, it's not doing anybody any good
until I get it in there.
Michelangelo talked about chiseling
beautiful sculptures out of marble.
Well, my chisel is a long island iced tea,
and I use it to free the party girl from
the block of nerd.
Music!!
Yeah!
Not all my sculptures are masterpieces.
I'm ho--
Oh, amazing!
Honey, were you listening? Isn't he good?
- Really good. - Yeah.
Really good.
I -- I thought you didn't like the banjo.
I didn't think I did, either,
but there's just something about the way
he plays.
It's so... it's so musical.
So, what's this, a surprise for old dad?
You been secretly taking lessons for months,
probably longer?
Nope. I just started messing around with
it today.
And you learned a whole song.
Actually, he learned two! Play him the
other one.
 Modern.Family.S06E18
I'm good, thanks. I don't like this.
Are those my shoes? This is just like when Rosalba and Marisol
I found them in the box of donations. found out that they were married to the same
They fit him perfectly. man.
If anything, they're a little snug. Marisol backed down,
Well, he can kick them off, but she was found dead two days later.
'cause we are about to do some Okay, Gloria, I think there's a chance
trampolining. you're trying to turn a very normal
Time to learn the Dunphy Tuck. situation
I thought you said he could get hurt doing into one of your soap operas.
that. Okay, but imagine --
It's impossible to be safe all the time. A standing ovation for you will crush him!
You can get hurt just walking into your own You know what?
house. I'll only look better
Okay, I'm gonna go hang my costume up if I take the high road --
in my dressing room and start warming up You know, help out backstage, let him have
my voice. his moment.
Dressing room? Ay, show me. Oh, my goodness!
I can't. It's the handicapped stall in the The move you're about to see was first
men's room. developed
But tonight is not about Cameron Tucker. by my great-great-great- grandfather
It's about the kids. Razvan Dunphy,
Coach tucker. but, really,
Senor Kaplan. it's as old as man's quest to fly.
What is that, a caveman costume? It's just a flip with a twist, right?
No, I just signed up There's a lot more going on,
to sing "Memory" from "Cats." but you won't be able to absorb it
Although I hope I'm not on the first time you see it.
after the "Grease" Chorus. Eins...zwei...drei--
They're a tough act to follow. No good. Okay.
"Memory"? You were right. I totally missed it.
But that is your song. I'm glad that happened. I'm actually glad
"Memory"? But that was his song. that happened.
Two cat costumes? It's a good reminder, the Dunphy Tuck
Well, we can't both sing the same song. demands respect.
I mean, that would make a mockery of the This...time...for...
follies. real!
Oh, well, I sang last year. Jim McKay, that hurts!
Please, I insist -- you sing. I'm gonna... just adjust these springs.
He gave up his song. They feel fine to me.
That was his song last year. I'm sure they do.
Fate will smile upon him. You don't have the foot sensitivity of a
You would do that for me? tramp champ.
This is literally the nicest gesture If I ever had to read braille, I'd--
I have ever witnessed -- Oh, my God! I think I did it!
And I'm from Canada. Did I do it?

第 3 页 共 9 页

-【1082】-

Almost. Yeah.
Your, your form was a little off.
Really? It felt perfect. I'll try one more
time.
I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
You might cement in some bad...habits.
I did it again!
I'm gonna get you some water.
You seem lightheaded and delusional.
Again!
Oh, honey. You look exhausted.
Well, I am not. I am as strong as ever.
Certainly the strongest person in the
house.
Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?
Sort of a poor man's version of it.
He added a whole new twist.
It's called over-rotation. Look into it.
I was so caught up in my spring cleaning,
it took me a while to see that Phil was
feeling inadequate.
I knew what I needed to do.
When you guys are done out there,
do you think you could give Luke my list?
I have some chores on here that require some
muscle.
Maybe I should take care of that.
No, no, I-I-I can handle it.
Luke's pretty busy out there not pointing
his toes.
So he's all like, "Get a life,"
and I'm like, "No, thanks. Got nine."
I mean, cause...
Sorry to interrupt, but I just took a break
from painting.
Wanted to come over, bring you some tea
and tell you to break a paw.
He almost broke his head.
Yes, I know, and I feel horrible about that.
I-I hope you know
I would never intentionally do anything to
harm--
My throat!
It burns!
He made the tea too hot!
Not on purpose!
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1083】-
Modern.Family.S06E18
He tripped on one of Coach Tucker's paint
cans.
I don't remember leaving that there!
Oh, look at me. I can't command a stage.
You, you have to take my place.
We'll wheel you out onto stage.
Oh, come on, we both know
this song requires catlike movements.
Someone get this man into fur and makeup!
- What are you doing?! - Last item on the
list--
- move the table. - No. You should not be
doing that alone.
Really? Cause I got the fridge out to the
curb.
- How? - Drug it.
Stand back. I'm turtling her.
No, you're gonna get hurt, sweetie.
- Let me get Luke. Luke! - No, no, no!
I don't need his help!
Let him play his precious Banjo!
It was like the Banjo was mocking me.
*You are not the man you used to be*
*You get up four times at night to pee*
*Ba-da-dum ba bat da doot doot doo*
*You're super-duper old now*
Take Five.
I don't know that one.
Give me a couple minutes. I'll figure it
out.
It's a little hard to get things done with
all the noise.
What's that?
Nothing.
Is that...
a bra?
You're not supposed to have girls up here.
I can explain.
You don't have to!
You think you're an adult, but you're not.
You're a kid living under my roof,
and you have to obey my rules!
The "G" string snapped!
Probably not the first time that's happened
in here.
No! It hit my eye!

Is it bleeding?
First of all, eyes can't bleed, so--
Sammy Davis Jr., that's bad!
Alex!
I'm looking for my sister.
She has brown hair,
dressed like a nerd, but not ironically.
Hang on!
Hello?
Haley, are you with Alex?
She's not answering her phone.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
We're just a tiny bit separated right now,
but, uh, she's been acting a little
strange.
Oh, no. What do you mean?
Um, I -- well, I-I'd say she's been, um...
a bit distant.
Oh, no.
Mom, don't freak out.
No, I was worried about this
when you two left this morning.
Oh, okay, so she was being a little uptight.
Come on! Open up, you stupid thing!
Okay, fine! She was a total buzzkill, okay!
I just wanted to relax her.
Damn it.
I know, I know -- it was a mistake.
But it's not like I poured it down her
throat!
She didn't get into Harvard.
Oh, thank god!
That's why she's been acting so weird.
Wait. What do you mean,
you didn't pour it down her throat?
Did you get her drunk?
Hey, you hacked her computer!
Is that her?
Uh, I just found her.
I'll have her call you.
Take me to my sister!
All right, Lily's camp is just through
those trees.
- I'll be back soon. - Take your time.
I got a couple of Robustos to keep me
company.
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1084】-
Modern.Family.S06E18
Um, what's up with the outfit?
It's to keep the smoke off me
so Gloria won't smell it.
That's insane.
Yep, I've lost my mind.
Have fun breaking your daughter out of
sleepaway camp.
Oh, of course you wouldn't understand.
Why?
You forgot?
I forgot I shouldn't ask "Why" to things.
I was 9 years old, at camp.
There were mosquitos, compost toilets,
mean kids.
It was theater camp, wasn't it?
Naturally, you remember that part.
The point is, I hated it.
I was -- I was cold, and I was scared,
especially
after this kid told this terrifying ghost
story,
so I snuck away to a pay phone,
I called you, crying,
and in a performance even more predictable
than Todd Jansen's Artful Dodger,
you refused to pick me up.
For your own good.
Learning to fend for yourself
is an important part of becoming a man.
Before you claim that all my professional
success
stems from your very, very brave decision
to stay at home on the couch
watching "The Bionic Woman,"
I am going to go get Lily.
So that she knows she can always count on
me.
It's fine.
If that's your idea of a dramatic exit,
it's no wonder Todd Jansen got that part.
So, the doctor will see you in a few
minutes.
Nice someone can see.
Glad to know your good eye can still roll.
So, still angry, huh?
Gee, why would I be angry?
 Modern.Family.S06E18
Because you insulted me, maimed me, and I get it -- you couldn't face them.
belittled Listen, I know this part of your life
my achievements in the banjonic and may not be moving fast enough for you,
trampolinic arts? but enjoy it while it lasts.
I know. I'm sorry. Someday, your life's gonna be moving faster
I'm not proud of my behavior today. than you want,
Probably started with the 5K I ran and you could wind up doing something dumb,
yesterday. like blinding your son.
10K. I'm blind?!
For everyone else. Probably not.
It was the first time in 15 years I couldn't Luke Dunphy?
finish. I know I'm getting a little old for this
Then, today, it's everything I can do, you place, but...
can do better. I do like coming here.
No, I can't. Oh, Lukey!
Yes, you can. You hurt your eye.
It's okay. It's not your fault. Do you need a hug?
Every dad goes through it -- A big one.
The day he starts seeing his son as a man Come here.
and not a boy. Alex! Alex, stop!
It's a shock. I have been chasing you for, like, an hour!
Like when we first got high-def TV Where are you going?!
and I realized Ed Bradley had an earring. This guy Weasel said he knows
I'm not as much of a man as you think, dad. of some hot springs in the hills.
Oh, really? We were just gonna go try and find them.
How come an hour ago, Oh, okay. So, we'll see you in, like, what,
I had a 16-year-old girl's bra in my hand? 10 years,
Can we talk somewhere more private? when you spoon-tunnel
The bra belongs to me. your way out of Weasel's basement?
Oh...kay. I know about Harvard.
That's not the conversation I thought we'd How?
be having, Mom saw on your computer.
but...if that's what you need on the And of course she told you,
outside because privacy doesn't mean anything.
to feel like the luke you are on the inside Why do things the right way?
-- - Alex, I r-- - No! What's the point?
No! Get straight A's for 10 years,
It's to practice on. spend your summers building houses,
I stink at unhooking them. drag your cello to school every day,
Last week, I tried to write the perfect essay, and for what?!
take one off a girl at a party. "No, thank you, Alex!"
I fumbled for so long, she started to laugh. "We don't want you, Alex!"
It still haunts me. Okay, you are drawing more attention to
That's why I didn't go away this week. yourself
My trip wasn't canceled. than the guy wearing a ferret as a scarf.
Everyone found out and... I don't care anymore!

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【1085】-

I've spent my entire life trying to be
perfect,
and where did it get me?
I am in a field with 6,000 idiots!
Know what? I think that this is a good thing
for you.
- Can you just spare me today? - No.
You're obviously going to get into
one of those snooty schools,
and sometimes you're gonna come in
second...
or fourth, or maybe even tenth.
But you're gonna dust yourself off,
maybe put on some lipstick for once, and
keep going.
I'm allowed to feel bad about this, okay?
Look, you are a superstar!
I've been saying since you were 10
you're gonna be on the Supreme Court.
Thanks.
But for the record, I'm gonna be a
scientist.
Lab coat, robe --
as long as something's covering up your
outfit,
you're gonna be just fine.
I...don't want to talk about it.
I had killed with that song at three amateur
productions,
two gay weddings, and a two-hour gate hold
on a 747,
but I could tell the audience thought
that I had sabotaged Kaplan to grab the
spotlight,
and my confidence caught in my throat
like a three-day furball.
I couldn't have stunk up the place worse
if I'd performed in a litter box.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Bravo, Cameron.
Can't talk! I'll be in my stall!
So, now everybody hates Cameron.
Okay, look, I can't sing "Memory."
It's too much song for me.
So when I found out that coach Tucker
wanted to sing it, as well, I had my out
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1086】-
Modern.Family.S06E18
--
until he nobly stepped aside.
Luckily, the sandbag fell, everyone blamed
him,
and I just saw my opening.
I put the paint cans on the floor
and pretended that the tea scalded me.
But to see him crash and burn on stage,
that...
It doesn't get better than that.
Oh, it's about to,
because I turned your microphone on,
and everybody there is listening
to everything that you just said!
No. No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
You monster!
Amazing! And with no commercials!
The worst thing about the woods
is you never know what you're gonna run into
--
a bear, a hunter who doesn't take kindly
to city folk,
or worse...
I can't wait. I love S'mores.
...your daughter, as happy as you've ever
seen her.
The only thing to do was to sneak back to
the car
and think of a lie to tell my dad along the
way.
What was that?
I don't know, but let's hit it with a
shovel.
And stab it with our marshmallow sticks!
No! No, no, no, no! I-I'm Lily's dad.
I'm Lily-- hi. She's mine.
what are you doing here?
Okay, I-I thought you gave me the signal.
No! Go away.
You're embarrassing me in front of
8-year-olds.
Sorry.
I just finished telling the girls a ghost
story.
It was so scary.
Do you know any?
 Modern.Family.S06E18
I do know one from my own camp days, Oh, that's the way of things.
but it's probably too scary for you, s-- Things work out, and someday,
- Tell us now! - Okay, okay. you'll be able to see her
It's really scary. Don't say I didn't warn be completely wrong about her kids.
you. It's fun.
This better be good. Oh. Okay.
I-it takes place at a camp a lot like this Want a cigar?
one, No. No, thank you.
Where just beyond the woods, there was a You know, I -- I once stole one of those
black lake. when I was a kid.
And just beyond the lake, there was a Made me completely dizzy.
prison. I don't remember the rest of the night.
This isn't scary. Aren't you going to that faculty follies
Okay, it was a haunted pr-- after this?
It was a haunted prison. Yeah. Give me one of those.
Now, on this one night, the night of the I thought there was a step there.
full moon, Oh, yeah, you'll get your depth perception
What they call "The blood moon"... back
Okay, what was at this prison was a -- was once you get the bandages off.
a ghost -- Careful in the middle, there.
The ghost of an old man with glowing red I still haven't a chance to --
eyes, I know.
Who breathed fire! I thought you were Alex.
I'm bored. Can we go to sleep early? She didn't get in.
I think you're forgetting about the blood Oh, no!
moon. Stupid Harvard.
What's that?! "Stupid Harvard"?
Glowing eyes! She didn't get into Princeton, either?
It's the ghost! No, just Harvard.
It's the ghost! No! I thought that this might soften the blow.
Girls! And I made her her favorite dinner.
Thanks for that. Bedtime should be a treat. You're such a good mom.
Well, I guess you finally rescued me at There she is!
camp. Hi. I heard.
Better late than never. I'm so sorry.
By the way, I should've Uh, thanks, mom,
come by and picked you up from camp. but Haley already made me feel a little
That, uh, "Tough it out" stuff -- better about it.
That was my dad talking. I just don't really feel like talking right
He threw me in a lake once I was afraid of. now.
Did I ever tell you about that story? I kind of just want to change my password
Yeah, yeah, we've all heard that story. and get into bed.
Now, don't feel too bad. Okay.
I was completely wrong about Lily. She just needs a little bit of time to work
I almost rescued her from through it.
having the time of her life. Alone?

第 8 页 共 9 页

-【1087】-
 Modern.Family.S06E18
The kids are growing up.
Guess they don't need us as much anymore.
Oh, well, that was the plan.
I just thought
it would feel better than this.
Me too.
At least we still need each other.
And I get so lucky.
Ok.
Still got it!

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1088】-
 Modern.Family.S06E19
There's no such thing as a born
Modern.Family.S06E19 cheerleader.
Okay, Gloria, just make sure Jay doesn't It takes hard work and sacrifice.
find out. You know what a human pyramid
Oh. Boy. is without hours of training?
I just heard that. 10 obituaries.
You probably think there's something I think my dad is really gonna enjoy
between me and Gloria. returning his gift this year.
Relax. Mitchell, I have some really sad news.
I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a Yes, you seem very broken up.
coma. Apparently, I had an uncle, uh, Cyrus,
Jay's grill was delivered. who died and out of the blue
She's keeping it under wraps left me a pretty handsome sum.
so I can be there when he sees it! I-I guess he didn't have a lot of other kin.
Oh, my God! Okay, this is the one time I don't mind you
I just got accepted into Caltech. saying "Kin.",
You did?! Now, when you say "handsome,"
That is incredible! are we talking carpool dad at Lily's school
We're gonna have a famous scientist in the or are we in a more Clooney/Pitt area?
family! I would say more Harry Hamlin.
Uh, not that there's any shame in learning That's not bad at --
a trade. That's not bad at all.
Air conditioners are always gonna break. You know, and this is crazy, because, um,
Eh, I looked into it. It's a lot of classes. I just saw
Honey, that is unbelievable. that the upstairs unit went back on the
It's hardly unbelievable. market,
Super-smart kid, super-smart school. and Harry Hamlin would almost equal a down
I never doubted you. payment, and --
That must feel great. I'm -- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yep. Pretty great. Look at me, spending your money.
What was that? No, Mitchell, it's not my money.
I think that was my fault. It's our money.
Me too. Why? I-is this a sign, Cam?
I do this all the time. I mean, we talk about it all the time.
She does these amazing things, and I'm so We should buy that upstairs apartment.
used to it, I don't see a reason why not!
I don't even make a big deal over Caltech. This is so exciting.
I got excited. Doesn't that count? I know.
Well, honey, you get excited over I'm really proud of you,
everything. because there was a time
You're a born cheerleader. when I wouldn't have even seen this check.
I just need to make a really big fuss over Oh, well, yes.
Alex today. You know, I used to be quite the impulse
That's all. buyer.
I know -- you're upset But I don't even recognize that guy
because I said that you were a born -- anymore.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【1089】-

I love my new faux mink, daddy.
I forgot -- which Gabor sister am I?
Y-you're Eva, the classy one, but listen.
We need to keep the tags on it, because it's
going back.
Well, then yours is going back, too.
No, that's a hard thing,
because the saleslady said I look like Dr.
Zhivago.
So, is that a birthday present for you
or an extremely late mid-life crisis?
I don't think "extremely" is necessary.
It's on loan -- kind of a weekend-long
test-drive.
I walk into a store,
they make me leave my backpack behind the
counter.
It's an old car salesman's trick.
They're hoping I fall in love with it and
never give it back.
But I can't justify buying it
any more than you can justify that hat.
Little early for tequila, isn't it?
It's for Luke.
Not sure that's better.
The last time he was here,
he was eyeing this bottle the same way you
look at me
when I wear that strappy sundress.
I do like that dress.
I am going to catch him red-handed.
I am going to teach him a lesson.
But first I'm going to refill this with
water
in case he gets past me.
You know, we have a little time before the
family comes.
Why don't you throw that dress on and --
Aw, damn it.
Andy, can you get that?
Andy?
Sorry.
I tuned out when you started flirting
to give you some privacy.
I was seeing Haley for the first time
since she came to visit me in the hospital.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1090】-
Modern.Family.S06E19
She said some pretty heavy stuff.
If I'm your elephant,
you have a shot.
That's what I'm trying to say, dummy.
She didn't know I heard.
I tried for a couple weeks to forget about
it
and just go on with Beth,
but I couldn't stop thinking about Haley.
So... today's the day I'm finally gonna
have the big talk.
There's a cooler of drinks out back! Help
yourselves!
Where's Haley? Is she coming?
The last time Haley informed me of her plans,
she said,
"Ha ha. I'm going to Cabo, and you're not."
She's the best.
Get ready to see the best gift ever.
Happy birthday!
It's a grill. I got a grill.
You had a wife, too.
Didn't mean you couldn't trade up.
I give you the Flame XL.
My client owns the company.
He gave me a crazy-good deal.
25,000 wood propane BTUs.
That's... plenty, right?
No. Electric rotisserie!
If god wants a hamburger,
this is what she cooks it on.
But it's got all those doodads.
I don't know what to do with those doodads.
You're doing a great job
of hiding your excitement about this gift.
Look. It's simplicity itself.
You just turn on the gas, hit the electric
starter.
Hit the electric starter.
Phil, you might want to lay off --
I'm fine.
Healthy as ever.
I'd know if you weren't, 'cause I just saw
your skeleton.
Okay, Joe.
Time for a nap in your new bed!

Looking for something?
Uh, yeah -- you.
I just wanted to say what a nice party you
put together.
The secret is to know what your guests want,
and I know what you want.
Hey, Luke, quick lesson.
This is a coaster. It prevents rings.
Thanks to you and your Dr pepper,
my teak end table upstairs looks like the
olympic flag.
Think, Luke.
Yes. Think, Luke.
Did you get it?
Yep.
Sweet Mexican treasure.
I was born in Florida, but thank you.
So, you really think you're gonna buy it?
I mean, it makes sense.
We're kind of cramped where we are.
There she is -- our little genius.
She just got accepted to Caltech.
Oh, that's amazing!
It's not that big of a deal.
It's a huge deal!
That school pumps out Nobel prize winners
the way my school pumped out stomachs.
Enough, mom!
what was that about?
I didn't make a big enough fuss
about her getting into Caltech,
and now she's making me pay.
Well, if that's her giving you a hard time,
I think you got off pretty easy.
Well, that's true.
That one never really went through a
rebellious phase.
Remember how wild we were?
Were we ever!
Were we ever?
Not really, no.
You had your summer of the red afro,
and I dated the whitest Puerto Rican on
earth.
Oh, Wayne.
Hey, but it's not like we didn't separate
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1091】-
Modern.Family.S06E19
and strike out on our own.
- Am I right? - Yeah! That's right.
Dad bought me my house.
Ours, too.
He loaned us the money for the down payment.
We never paid him back.
I've always felt so guilty.
You know, he gave us our down payment, too.
Are you sure that wasn't a gift?
Well, I never offered to pay him back. I
don't know.
And then he just gave me this bonus at work.
What he must think of me.
It's so long ago now.
Well, still.
I feel like I should offer to pay him back.
What -- no. N-no. No, no, no, no, no, no,
Claire.
Because then I'm gonna have to pay him back,
and I'll be stuck in the same shoe box
he bought me last time.
Mitchell, he's not going to accept it.
It's just a gesture.
We do it so we feel more independent.
Just do it.
Do it!
Do what?
Oh, nothing. You're busy.
Not really.
Phil's tinkering with the new grill,
so you better collect some old photographs
for the memorial.
Do what?
Well, you probably don't remember this.
But, a while back,
you gave us some money for a down payment.
Very generously, I might add. Yes.
- And not just cause it's your birthday...
- That's right.
...but we wanted to at least make the offer
to pay...you...back.
Mitchell, what are you doing? I can't cash
this.
Now, dad, I--
You got to sign it first.
Okay, in that case,
 Modern.Family.S06E19
I'm gonna need to get the pen back from-- Oh, Gosh.
Claire! You're gone for two minutes,
Got one right here. you come back and find us in the big-boy
Okay. bed.
Hey, you. I can only imagine what you're thinking.
I didn't expect to see you here today. That you're trying to get this little kid
How you feeling? to take a nap?
Better. Turns out you don't even need an How smart is he?
appendix. Say something medical.
I don't even miss it anymore. 20cc, stat.
It's like Circuit City. I don't understand a word, but it gets me
Anyway, I've been wanting to talk to you going.
about something. I mean, what kind of store policy is that?
This house is fantastic. I-I can't return a coat
I should have gone into the closet that I put on one time at home?
business. Getting out of the shower.
Right? Yeah, you didn't help by pointing that out.
I'm giving him a tour. Andy, this is Will. What are you gonna tell daddy?
Nice to meet you. Well, I guess I'm just gonna tell him I made
I'm sorry. I have to take this. a mistake.
It's the hospital. You know, like I say, sweetie,
He's a doctor. honesty is always the best policy.
I met him the same day I came to visit you Unless...
in the hospital. and stay with me here...
Isn't that funny? Where would I go?
Super-funny. I convince your daddy to wait on the
So, wait. What did you want to talk to me apartment upstairs
about? until I have enough time to sell your coat,
Just that this little heck-raiser and, if need be, even sell mine.
needs to take a nap, but he's been fighting Thanks for selling mine first, Dr. Chicago.
it. If I'm reading this properly,
Oh, I've got an idea. Luke had the same I'm supposed to put a lime in your mouth,
problem. salt on your stomach,
I'm tired. and drink it out of your bellybutton.
Let's go to bed. You wish.
Both of us? That'll get you there.
Together? Me too? Whoa, nelly.
Yes, because we are sleepy and it's nap Hey, pace yourself! This stuff is strong.
time! I'll know when I've had enough.
Now wait. He'll climb in bed with us. I got it lit.
Just give him a minute. I could feel it inside the house.
Okay. They're gonna need dental records
Since we're just lying here... to identify those chickens.
do you remember when you -- You'll be singing a different tune
Sorry about that. once I pop on the rotisserie feature.
Oh! Gosh! Get ready for these birds and your head to

第 4 页 共 9 页

-【1092】-

spin.
That's moving pretty fast.
Simple adjustment.
That seems to have... sped it up.
H-how about you skim dinner out of my pool?
I'll get my old grill out.
Why is this even a setting?!
Hey, where the hell did you go, you coward?
Oh, what, just cause dad took your money
back,
I'm supposed to give him all mine, too?
Yes, yes. Because it was your stupid idea.
Okay?
Oh, my god. How am I gonna tell Cam
I gave away his entire inheritance?
I don't know.
Oh, hey! Is there a future doctor in the
house?
Yeah, I think he's upstairs, feeling up
Haley.
No -- you, Alex Einstein.
Whatever you're doing, please stop.
She's still mad.
Yeah, so am I.
It's not fair, okay?
Dad gave you the same amount of money for
your down payment.
What? Jay loaned us that money?
Oh, my god. You don't know. Yes. Yes.
Makes you wonder what else she's lied about,
huh?
Wait -- I've owed jay money for 20 years,
and you never told me?
I didn't think you'd want to take it.
I finally understand the invisible wall
that's been between jay and me all this
time.
This is why we're not laughing about that
crazy grill,
taking an awesome selfie with it,
posting it on Instagram,
sending hilarious e-mails back and forth!
"Remember when the grill went nuts?"
"Oh, yeah. That was hilarious."
"You're hilarious."
So what, he's a doctor?
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1093】-
Modern.Family.S06E19
I could be a doctor.
I still have the white coat
from when I worked at the clinique counter.
Hey. So, Gloria says it's Joe's bath time.
He just had one.
What's with the robe, Hef?
I don't know who that is, but I took off
my shirt
to protect it from splash Gordon over here.
Adorbs.
Can you grab me that juice box?
Yeah, sure.
Anyway...
Like I was saying before,
Remember how, when I was in the hospital
--
Oh, no!
Oh, man, this is gonna stain!
I need to take it off and soak it.
You could put on my shirt. It's hanging
right there.
Oh, thanks.
It's a little boxy. Do you have a chunky
belt?
Uh...yeah, I guess.
I'm kidding.
It's not like I'm gonna be wearing this for
long anyways.
Wow. This looks bad.
And this looks even worse.
But there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey, babe. You spill something on your
dress?
Really? That was your first guess?
Yeah, I was giving Andy a juice box.
Mm. Not to drink -- because I'm a man.
Okay, so, I'm gonna go get a dress
and some shoes from Gloria's closet.
What happened to your shoes?
Nothing.
Okay.
I've been watching the two of you,
and it's pretty obvious.
Finally.
You know how to make her laugh.
Anyway, I got haley a little gift,

and I want to write something cute on the
card.
I thought you could help me, because --
Because you're not good with words.
Well, I'm a doctor.
I can't admit I'm not good at something.
But...please?
Yeah. Fine.
Just... write how you feel.
Something like...
"Dear Haley, I know how eyes work,
But I never knew how they sparkled until
I --"
That could be macular degeneration.
Just write.
We need to sober up.
Right after I call an ex-girlfriend.
I think I still love her.
Hey. Sorry we're late.
No, that's fine. No worries.
Um, so, listen, my stupid sister --
Look, I don't want that apartment anymore.
Oh, me neither.
Yeah, it's just that --
Well, I thought you had your heart set on
it.
I did, but then you made such a compelling
case.
Hey, Mitch, I got to tell you, I was really
impressed
with you paying back that loan.
I'm sorry. What? Excuse me?
I'm sorry. I should be thanking you, too.
I forgot about that down payment I helped
you guys with.
It was so long ago.
Anyway, yeah.
Nice birthday surprise.
You gave him my money, didn't you?
Your money? I thought you said it was our
money.
Why would it be our money?
You didn't even know my uncle Remus.
Wasn't it Cyrus?
I think I would know the name of the saint
that practically raised me.
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1094】-
Modern.Family.S06E19
I forgot to give grandpa his birthday
crown.
Wait a minute. What's this?
Does Lily have a fur?
Oh, boy.
Yeah, uh, let's see.
Oh, it's from Schwartzman's, huh?
The same store that you and Lily
just love to browse in every sunday after
brunch.
Well, if you must know, it was a surprise
gift for you.
Now it's going back, because you're a
thief.
- Oh, well, then, I want to try it on. -
No!
- I want to try it on. - You'll just get
attached.
Well, it's a present for me,
so I should be able to have a fitting of
some sort.
Of course it needs altering.
Since when do you wear right off the rack?
I'm just not comfortable with Vesuvius over
there.
I hope you can get your money back.
"Money back" -- there it is.
There's a shadow that's been cast
over this relationship for quite a while
now.
Is this about that time you were
sleepwalking
and came in my tent and kissed my neck?
Somnamorousness --
the condition no one wants to talk about.
You're right about that.
This is actually much more embarrassing.
I just found out you lent us money for our
down payment.
So...
Here.
Paid back in full.
Phil, is this because Mitchell --
No. This is for me -- for us.
And though it may be long overdue,
thank you.

You're welcome.
Probably seems awkward, but...
It's happening.
...could you throw that apron on me?
You're not sleeping again?
Maybe we should have another pot of coffee.
That's a weird word, huh? Coffee. Coffee.
Coffee.
Amateur.
Doctor! I need your help.
I've been drinking this tequila,
and I cannot find the worm.
I think I just swallow it.
That's very serious.
That worm could eat your insides in a matter
of hours.
Well, there must be something she can do.
Drink pickle juice.
The worm cannot survive in pickle juice.
- Is this enough? - Just.
Thank you, doctor. I'm feeling better
already.
You got lucky.
The only other treatment is to freeze the
worm to death
by lowering the body temperature with an
ice bath.
I feel it inside of me.
No. I think it's inside of me.
I knew we should've poured the tequila in
your bellybutton.
That's why they have these systems in
place.
I heard an expensive car pull out.
I figured you were in it.
Oh, yeah, that was Will going to the
hospital.
I just came to get my dress.
Um, he gave me this card, but he writes like
a doctor.
Can you read it for me?
No. That sounds way too personal.
Ohh, come on! I visited you in the hospital.
Just do it!
Nah, I'm okay.
Can you just see if you can read it? I can't.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1095】-
Modern.Family.S06E19
I'd rather not.
Can you even read?
- Can you please try? - I'll try. Yeah, no,
I'll try.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
"Dear Haley, I know how eyes work,
but I never knew how they sparkled
until I met you.
I know how hearts work,
but I never knew they could sing
until I met you.
Love, Will."
Oh, crap.
Really? I thought it was kind of sweet.
The doctor part, then it circled around
back to you.
Why does he have to be so into me, you know?
We met like two weeks ago.
A gold heart! Really?
I just -- I guess I'm just more into the
chase right now.
You know, like, the fun.
I'm just not looking for anything serious.
Well, it's good you know what you want --
Before anyone got hurt.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Of course I have the receipt.
Ow!...Kay, what if I didn't?
Oh, there she is!
Okay, everybody, I want to make a toast!
Oh, any excuse.
To my brilliant daughter...
So, not you.
...who worked for 12 years to get into
Caltech,
the most prestigious college --
Mom, it's really not a big deal.
Oh, honey, wait, wait, wait -- you said
yourself
it's the best scientist school in the
country.
Well, I most definitely did not use those
words.
Congratulations, Alex.
We expect great things from you --

unlike some of the other children in this
family.
Well, I snagged a doctor,
so she must be talking about you.
I'm very proud of you.
Okay, well, I haven't even decided.
I still might go to my safety school.
Great. Now this.
If she goes to the other place,
it's even more expensive.
It's not gonna happen. Please.
She's just trying to punish me.
And don't worry about the money. I got my
bonus.
Yeah.
Wait. What? What did you do?
Did you pay back my dad? Please, please,
please.
- No, no, no. - Yes, I did.
Not that it changed anything.
Okay, don't be mad at Phil.
He's not the bad guy here. He is.
Look at him, sitting over there
like he's the king of the world.
What father takes money from his own
children?
Not like he needs it. He lives in this
palace.
Meanwhile, our whole family's
sharing a bathroom the size of his closet.
I know. I've paced it out.
Okay, what about me?
My tears have barely dried,
he stole my inheritance,
and I'm left holding the bag for two fur
coats.
T-two?!
I can get three seasons of use out of it.
Hey, this might give you a chuckle.
That money you all paid me back --
It's gonna cover the cost of that t-bird.
Isn't that funny how stuff works out?
- It sure is funny. - That's hilarious.
I can't. It's too cold.
It's either cold for
5 minutes or cold forever.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1096】-
Modern.Family.S06E19
Come on.
Funny -- I always thought I'd be found dead
in a bird suit
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
You still will, buddy.
You still will.
If I ever catch you drinking again,
your whole school is going to see this
picture.
Sh-sh-she tricked us.
I know.
As soon as we kill this worm, we're gonna
get her back.
There's...no...worm!
Not gonna help, kid.
You're right.
I can't drown my problems in alcohol.
Well, you can, but that's water.
You're not really gonna turn down Caltech?
Oh, please don't tell me what a great school
it is,
how I'm gonna graduate in two years,
and they're gonna name a country after me.
You're feeling some pressure.
What if I'm the dumbest one there?
Someone has to be.
I could get there, be dumb,
have a nervous breakdown --
You're going. I know you.
You've never backed down from a challenge
your whole life.
Now, I could lie to you and tell you it's
gonna be easy.
Well, do that. I'm vulnerable. I'll believe
you.
It's not. It's gonna be hard.
But you and I both know this is something
you have to do.
'cause if I don't, I'll regret it my whole
life.
I know, I know.
Yeah, that's part of it.
Let's take a ride. Want to show you
something.
You're not gonna drive me into a bad
neighborhood
 Modern.Family.S06E19
to show me how lucky I am, are you?
Well, I would still have my money
if she hadn't tricked Mitchell.
Oh, and it's a shame you don't, Cam.
'cause then you could buy another one of
those coats.
Well, I didn't get anything I wanted!
Jay didn't even like the world's most
perfect grill.
Come on!
The family needs a leader,
and I can't do it forever.
You can handle it.
Do I have to?
Heavy hangs the head.
You know, college might not be such a big,
scary place
if I drove up the first --
- Not gonna happen. - Okay.
Your brother's in a bit of a spot
money-wise,
and I don't want to embarrass him,
so how about if I say
I'm giving you both a gift?
That way, he doesn't feel like a charity
case.
Well, if it's to help Mitchell...
Thank you, honey.
S-still s-so cold.
M-maybe some coffee would warm us up.
You have a problem.
So, listen, how about if I say
I'm giving you both a gift?
That way, your sister --
We'll take it.
Yeah.
Lily, we can get the hats.
Yeah!

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1097】-
 Modern.Family.S06E20
I told you -- never say his name.
Modern.Family.S06E20 I didn't say his name. I don't even know
Hey, dad. his name.
What do you think of the picture on my new It's Todd.
Costco card? Always putting my canned goods on top of
Wow, you've never put your actual face that my produce.
close to mine. I'd like to squash his squash.
Jay thinks that -- Okay, let's go.
Let him answer. Hopefully, we won't be out too late
Okay, you look good. tonight.
This looks nothing like me! We will!
Maybe 'cause you're not yelling in it. Oh, yeah, right.
I look at this, and I'm like, $10 says you guys will be home in bed before
"What the hell? Where's the sparkle? we are.
Where's the guy that scored the winning No, no, no, no, no.
touchdown You two will be sleeping,
and was carried off by his team?" and Gloria and Haley and I will still be
This guy looks like he was carried off by dancing.
the current. This one? Joe tucks her in.
I have half a mind How would you know?
to cut this up and never go back there. You go to bed right after
Maybe you can use one of the scissors you get mad at the news.
from the eight-pack that we bought. Yeah, it's you two that are keeping us down,
Hey, Jay, you feeling it? but not tonight.
You ready to knock down some pins? Tonight, we are going out big.
Oh, great. Oh, yeah!
Gray and wrinkled, like my tired puss. Yes, you're very hip.
It's my league finals, That's the theme song to "The Antiques
and Jay agreed to fill in for our star Roadshow."
bowler, Maurice, He's right.
who's recovering from a groin pull. That's embarrassing.
An actual groin pull, Great house, huh?
not the party on fire island. And you can't beat the location,
I don't know, Cameron. mainly 'cause I live right there.
I'm -- I'm really not feeling it tonight. We love the house.
Well, you better start feeling it soon. Great!
We need to win But I could never live across the street
so I can stick it to that smug Martin from that pornographic statue.
Sherman. I never noticed it.
Who's Martin Sherman? Yeah.
Only my archrival. You could see it from inside when you look
I thought your rival out the window.
was that blond Christmas caroler. Oh, I didn't -- uh, are you talking about
No, it's the Spanish teacher at his school. that one?
Well, C-Cam has lots of rivals, It's quite large.
especially if you count that bag boy. I'll take your word for it.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1098】-

I've had this listing for two months,
and I can't move it because of the statue
across the street.
It's called "Marble with Wood,"
and let's just say it's made entirely of
marble.
We've got to do something about this. It's
obscene.
That's what they said about "The Catcher
in the Rye"
when it first came out.
You're not helping.
Why don't we just knock on the door
and talk to him?
- I tried. - Yeah, the guy's a jerk.
I told him how much it bothered us.
It only seemed to please him.
I'm not gonna lie --
It makes me feel bad about my body.
I don't feel comfortable letting my kids
play out here.
- Our kids. - Paul, please.
Art is subjective. Some people would love
this.
Hey what are you guys talking about?
Here they come.
The statue.
Ohh, God, we hate that thing.
You do?
Yeah.
I didn't make my money to move to a
neighborhood
where they put something like that on the
street.
Porn belongs on a big screen in the bedroom
or your phone in the bathroom.
Kids, go play.
Well...what are you gonna do?
Guess we'll just get used to ignoring it.
I just wish he was more concerned
- with being a better neighbor. - Yeah.
Amen to that.
Yeah.
Hey, we were just about to grab dinner.
You guys want to join us?
What's that?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1099】-
Modern.Family.S06E20
I said, you guys want to go to dinner?
How's that?
If you guys don't want to, that's fine.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Oh,
no, no, no.
- No, no, no. - No.
A-are you saying no?
You know what?
- Sure, why not? - Of course.
- All right! Great! - Great!
We'll meet you out front. 15. I'll drive.
Oh, Claire, just so our outfits don't
clash,
I'll be wearing lizard.
Ah, shoot. Well, I'll find something.
Okay.
Oh, don't you just love it -- the crash of
the pins,
the smell of the rental-shoe spray?
Yeah, it does kind of get the blood going.
Oh, one small detail --
This is an all-gay bowling league,
so I told everyone you're all gay.
What?
You have to be gay to play.
Let's go meet the guys.
Forget it. Not doing it.
Jay, we need you.
No one's gonna believe I'm gay.
Oh, why, because you're not flouncy enough?
Jay, that's offensive.
There's all kinds of gays.
You've got your broadway gays, your gym
gays,
your twinks, your bears, your otters,
your "Hey, girl" Gays.
You've got your pups, your cubs, your
chubs.
And most prominently, you've got your
average-joes-who-you-would
never-know-are-gay gays.
What the hell is an otter?
Lane 20. White pants.
Look, you don't have to do anything
differently.
Just...be yourself. You're gay enough.

Hello, Cameron.
I thought I smelled failure and cheap hair
spray.
Oh, hello, Martin. You're looking unwell.
Could you do that thing you did
last year where you lose
and then you try and throw a chair
but not realize it's bolted down
and wrench your back
and then curse at me
while I wave a trophy in your big, red face,
could you?
Oh, boy, look at you. You're all worked up.
It must have been a tough day
assistant-managing that Jo-ann Fabrics.
It's a Michael's, and you know it, you son
of a bitch!
Fine. I'll do it. I don't like that guy.
But what happens if somebody I know comes
in here
and thinks I'm living a secret life?
Jay, trust me,
if someone you know comes in here tonight,
they're living a secret life.
- You make a point. - Okay, let's meet the
guys. Guys!
Hey! I am in the best mood.
My Uber driver looked just like Adam
Driver.
You guys ready to party?
- Yeah, let's go! - Where?
Out. Let's do this.
It's 8:30. The doors don't even open for
another hour.
Well, then, what are you doing here?
Pregame!
Mojitos and Cosmos --
the drinks of your peoples.
All right, let's get crazy.
I'll uncover the cheese.
So, we'll meet my friends outside the club
at like 10:30.
Yeah, the band doesn't go on until
midnight.
Midnight?
Okay, if you guys can't hear me now,
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1100】-
Modern.Family.S06E20
we're gonna have some real problems at the
club.
- No problem. - No, we're good. We're good.
I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30
years.
Does she think we're 50?
No, no, she's just really bad at math.
Two strikes in a row!
Familiarize yourself with the exit
because somebody's on fire!
Okay, Jay, you're up.
All right, Jay. Let's get that first
strike.
Keep your eye on the prize.
Imagine taking that bad boy home tonight.
Jerry...
I'm sorry. I'm just off my game tonight.
You got this.
Who's your new guy?
He's my husband's uncle.
Oh, you look confused.
A husband is somebody who loves you
that you don't have to pay.
Damn it!
That guy is not gay.
I could have you disqualified, you know.
Of course he's gay.
I'm never wrong.
My gaydar is highly sensitive.
For instance, I have to move it away from
you right now
before it explodes.
I'm keeping an eye on uncle Jay.
- Okay, Jay -- - Don't worry. I'll pick up
the spare.
No, no, no, we got bigger problems.
Um... Martin's onto us.
You need to flounce it up a little bit.
But you said that was offensive, remember?
The otters and weasels and stuff.
Okay, you know what's more offensive?
Martin winning.
So, we need to get you lighter in those
rental loafers.
What gave me away?
I'm not handsome enough. Is that it?
 Modern.Family.S06E20
Perfect. Insecure and superficial -- That's like 100 bottles of your wine.
It's a great start. Yeah, let 'er rip.
- Should we order a bottle of wine? - Yes. Oh, I'm ready!
Oh, no need. Damn it!
Ronnie brought this big daddy from home. Oh, come on, Cam. Admit it.
Yeah. Guy. Uncle Jay -- not gay.
Hey. Guy. Oh, my God. You could not be more wrong.
Oh, Ronnie, I'm sure he has a real name. Look, okay.
Yeah, it's Guy. If he's acting a little weird,
Mr. and Mrs. Lafontaine, so nice to see you it's just because...
again. he totally likes you.
- Hey, Guy. - Hi, I'm Guy. Pleasure. No, he doesn't! What did he say?
- Hi, Guy. - Hi. Okay, look, he -- he -- he didn't want me
Oh. Very nice. to say anything
2002 Harlan. because he's shy.
What are we celebrating tonight? That's why he's being so awkward.
Well, uh, we're finally having dinner Cam, you're up.
with our next-door neighbors. I'm up.
Well, you must be very good neighbors. I got to go.
- That's so nice. - Thank you. Hey, there.
Oh, don't mention it. This is for you.
It's nice to have you guys here. Oh. Thanks.
So, how are the kids? And this...
Uh, good. It's a little intense right now. is for a little zing.
Uh, Alex is freaking out about We do love zing.
where she's gonna go to college, Be right back.
and we're freaking out it's gonna be on the Be right here.
east coast. Why is that guy being so nice to me?
Oh, yeah. Well, we get that. Well, there's been a-a new little twist in
R.J.'s going to New York soon. the evening.
I think I'm gonna cry harder than the day And now there's one in my beer. What's up?
I found out I was pregnant with him. I told him you have a crush on him.
Yeah, what's R.J. got going on in New York? Why would you do that?
Well, we wanted him to go to college for I had no choice.
business, Well, you tricked me into coming here, you
but he wants to do his music. made me gay,
So, long story short, now I have a boyfriend.
he's going to Juilliard. All these lies just to win a trophy?
Juilliard? Yes.
For piano. I respect that.
Well, mostly for his composing. Oh, those are my friends.
Kid can't hit the toilet, They're out front dropping off our
but he wakes up with symphonies in his head. wristbands.
Right. What comes before part "B"?
There we are. Would you like to taste? Par-tay!
- Oh, yeah. - That's a $500 bottle of wine. Oh, my god. I've been holding that in for

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1101】-

an hour.
Gloria, I'm not gonna make it.
You have to.
We talked so big to Cam and Jay that if we
don't go out,
they're never gonna let us live it down.
Okay.
Or we could just blow it off, man.
No, Gloria, come on, come on.
Get up, get up. Come on, come on, come on.
Staying up all night -- it's in your blood.
You come from the land of coffee and
cocaine!
You too! Nobody likes to dance more than
the gays.
Pretend you're on a float.
Dancing. That's it. That's a good idea.
Okay, dancing. Dancing.
I'm gonna turn on some music here.
This is good.
Oh, my "Raise the roof" elbow's a little
sore.
Oh, yeah, that must mean rain.
Oh, my god. Your kids give you that look,
too?
Yeah, I swear I can't remember
what their actual faces look like.
This is fun. Isn't this fun?
To think it just took us all hating the same
statue
to bring us together.
What a world it could be if people would
just hate more.
Yeah, what are we gonna do about that thing,
huh?
It's not right that a guy like you can't
even get his job done.
Well, we could start a petition.
Yeah, or we could talk to our city
councilman.
Or...how about this?
We take a rope, we tie it around the statue,
attach it to the back of my truck,
and drag it to the nearest dump.
Love that.
I'm serious.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1102】-
Modern.Family.S06E20
- Uh, we can't do that. - No.
Why not? We got tons of rope.
Availability of rope isn't really the issue
here.
It's -- it's destruction of property.
It's against the law.
So?
Ronnie, we live in a civilized society.
We're not those kinds of people, you know?
Says the lady who, uh,
paired my Cabernet with fish.
So, is there anything else I can get you?
Nope. I think, uh, we've had enough.
And that means two things.
I'm not done.
All right! Like the music!
You guys really know h--
I'm not getting good rotation tonight.
Certainly made my head spin.
Oh, what can I say to that?
Hey, can I ask you something?
What do you think of that picture?
Doesn't look a thing like you.
Exactly what I've been saying.
Not the man sitting next to me.
The rugged good looks...
...broad shoulders...
piercing blue eyes.
Hell, you're -- you're somewhere between
Kevin Costner and Channing Tatum.
Who wouldn't want to be between them, huh?
Okay, Jay, you're up.
Thank you, Martin. I needed that.
Anytime.
There's the real Jay!
You know it!
Where is the baby?!
I'm up. I'm up.
Hey, when did you get back?
Like an hour ago.
Oh, really?
I must have grabbed a little disco nap.
I don't know what that means.
You sure you guys are up for this?
- Yeah, definitely, definitely. - Of
course.

Why don't we go dancing another time, like
daytime?
Oh, you know, well, I'm pretty full of
cheese, so --
No, no.
If we don't go out now,
this is not about Cam and Jay making us old,
it means we are old.
This is about pride.
We need to prove that we can still go out
and have fun.
Are you with me, Mitch?
Yes!
- Yes, I am! - Okay.
- All right, let's go. - Okay.
Can we get some coffee on the way?
- No coffee! - No coffee!
Oh, yes, baby!
Our team had really found its groove.
We quickly eliminated
The Pinafores and Alley Of The Dolls,
putting us in the finals against my
archrival.
In the tradition of Red Sox/Yankees,
Ali/Frazier,
it all came down to
The Britney Spares vs. Martin And His Merry
Men.
The tension was building...
Could somebody please take these fries
before I eat them all?
... and emotions were running high.
Um, so, Jay, I just, um
I just wanted to say that whatever happens,
it was, uh, r-really nice meeting you.
Well, you too, Martin.
Uh, d-do -- wondering, I don't know,
w-w-would you like to have dinner sometime
or maybe hang out or,
- or something like that? - Oh, geez. You
know what,
I'm, I'm, I'm really, really flattered
Okay, I get it.
- No, no, it's not. - No, no, I get it,
totally.
No, it's okay. I understand.
Modern.Family.S06E20
Thank you very much! Good luck!
And just like that, Martin fell apart.
By the last frame, it was all up to Jay.
Okay, Jay, we only need six pins!
I don't think it's gonna be six, guys.
We won! We won!
This is the fifth-happiest moment of my
life!
Adopting Lily, marrying Mitchell,
high-school football championship,
and sitting behind Sarah Jessica Parker
at "Wicked."
All right!
Okay!
Let's do this! Let's do this! Let's do this!
I can't do this.
Me either.
Ah! We're almost 50!
The ride home, while less than a mile long,
was interminable.
Whatever bridges had been built
were burned,
like my fish was,
which is why red wine was a --
Hey, honey, you don't have to defend
yourself.
When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't
see color.
She'll drink whatever's put in front of
her.
Oh, great.
They put lights on it.
Stop the car.
We have to tear that thing down. They're
right.
It's the only way.
- What? - Now you're talking!
There's the girl
that I occasionally have sex dreams about.
Yeah, that's true. He told me.
- No, no, no. This is crazy. - Yes.
- Don't do this. - How many months do you
want to spend
trying to fight through some bureaucratic
red tape
to get that thing taken down

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1103】-

- only to be told there's nothing we can
do? - Oh, no.
Stay in the car.
Stay in the car!
- What do we do? - Here, take that. Put it
around.
- Through the loop. - Yeah, I do this.
Tie it down.
It's too short. I got to back the truck up.
No! No!
Phil, what are you doing? Come on. Open the
door.
- I can't allow this to happen! - Come on,
man.
I'm a respected member of the community!
I'm on bus benches!
- You're such a boy scout! - Open the door.
Open the door.
I want that thing gone as much as anyone,
but not like this.
I'm gonna take this truck.
I'm gonna go get some fro-yo.
I suggest you use the walk home to calm
down.
Once you have, you're gonna thank me.
Phil. Oh, my god! You're going back...
Thank you!
I thought I was in drive!
Phil!
Phil!
We were awesome tonight, guys.
Do you think we're good enough to take on
the lesbians?
Oh, god, no.
One more round on me.
Good match, Martin.
You too, Jay. Congratulations.
Thanks. I hope I didn't throw off your game
at all.
No. That's all me. I do that.
I get ahead of myself.
Create expectations, build them up.
Don't worry about me. I'm going to see a
life coach.
It is going to change everything.
Well, listen, I wasn't feeling great about
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1104】-
Modern.Family.S06E20
myself tonight,
and you helped get me out of that funk.
And it wouldn't be right
for me to let you leave feeling bad.
You're a great guy,
and the reason I turned you down is
because...
It's much harder to say out loud than I
thought.
I'm...
I'm not gay.
You're straight?
Who's what? What's happening?
Whoa, it feels good to finally tell
someone.
For four hours,
I've been living in fear that I'd be found
out.
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Right.
Jay, thank you for admitting that.
You are a real class act.
Disqualified!
You lose!
Give me that! That's mine! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god, champions!
We're champions again!
- Let me out! - Oh, my god!
Guess what, Jay.
You're my new archrival.
I feel terrible.
- You're too good, boy scout. - Yeah.
That's why you need people like us around.
Admit it -- you're happy it's gone.
I'm happy it's gone,
but it's weird we're out here
instead of inside with the lights off.
It's called hiding in plain sight.
We just sit here and act like we got nothing
to hide,
and they won't suspect a thing.
Folks, I need to ask you a couple of
questions.
Someone said they heard a big truck run over
that statue.
What? Well, we wouldn't know anything about
 Modern.Family.S06E20
that Hypocrite.
because we were at dinner.
Mind if I take a look at your truck?
Hey, Buddy.
Oh, don't call a cop "Buddy." They hate
that.
No, that's his name.
I sold him a condo.
- Phil? - Yeah, Buddy.
The four of us were at dinner. I can vouch
for it.
If you're looking to solve a crime,
this one here had red wine with fish.
Oh, I did. I did.
Sorry to bother you. You folks have a good
night.
You too.
No more boy scout.
Looks like you're sleeping with an outlaw
tonight.
Yes.
Uh, we're in.
- No, no, I was talking to Claire. - Yeah.
Are you saying you're not attracted to us?
- No, no, no... - No, no, no...
- No. - No.
It's unbelievable.
Mom and dad are sitting outside
with the neighbors they used to hate
yukking it up like they're all best
friends.
And why?
Because there's wine?
No. Because of art.
That statue that was so offensive
provoked a conversation.
That's what art does. It brings people
together.
Even if it's gross?
One person's gross is another person's
beautiful.
Wow. That's really powerful.
Do you think this could bring people
together?
It's a self-portrait of... my junk.
Never speak to me again.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1105】-

Modern.Family.S06E21
- Don't ask. - Don't tell.,
It's probably obvious, anyway.
I was up all night crying.
Let's see if she's here. Gloria?!
Sarah Fink, my lab partner
who I hoped one day would be my love
partner.
I caught one of my so-called friends
hitting on her,
and now she's like the fetal pig
we once so happily shared --
Cold, unresponsive, heartless.
You got two choices --
You can mope your way up those stairs and
soak in a pity bath,
or you can pick yourself up, march into that
school,
and act like you don't even know that girl.
Thanks.
If mom asks, I borrowed her tub pillow.
Jay, don't forget to drop Joe at Mitch and
Cam's later.
Yeah, what time are they expecting me to,
uh --
Oh, what the hell?
Oh, isn't it cute?
Last night when I went to do my nails,
the girls did it just for fun.
- What's fun about a lifetime of gender
confusion? - Ay, please.
It's the same as when you took him to the
Dodgers game
and you brought him back with that Dodgers
cap.
You think? Or is it different in every
conceivable respect?
Ay, and don't forget that Phil is gonna be
meeting you
at Mitch and Cam's
to help you bring Lily's princess castle
here.
She's outgrown it, but Joe loves that
thing.
Ay, don't make that face.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1106】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
- You're gonna bring it, right? - Sure,
honey.
Okay. Hold him.
I picked a fine time to run out of lavender
bath beads.
I wanted two rough and tumble boys.
I got a Manny...
and a Pedi.
She's my first girlfriend, really.
This time tomorrow, she'll be in our living
room,
if we can fit her through the doorway.
Okay, I feel like I have to ask.
Dad's about to buy a "Miss pac-man."
Ms. What was our struggle for?
And not just any "Ms. Pac-man,"
but an original 1982 fully reconditioned
podium-style unit.
With original coin return.
They're even throwing in the stool.
Come on!
Oh, you know, you're right. It's stupid.
Just be taking up space we need
for things we actually use, like the piano
-- oh, wait.
What's going on with you?
Oh, I have a throbbing headache.
It's making it hard to...
Pretend that you're sick?
Yeah, you just ate a bushel of cereal.
Check the structural integrity of the
trophy case, bitches,
'cause mama's bringing home some hardware!
Awards day at school --
The one day of the year Alex has some real
swagger.
Ironically, the one thing she's not good
at.
When I say "Trophy," You say "Trophy"!
Trophy!
Trophy!
Can I get a wha-what?
What?
I always worried that Alex winning all
those awards
would bother Luke, and looks like it

finally did.
Can't be easy growing up in the shadow of
a superstar sister.
Look at Mitchell.
Okay, do you have any queens?
Yeah, two big ones.
Okay, you know what? It was funny the first
time.
Now it's just getting mean.
What was that?
Mr. Polasky, our upstairs neighbor, died
last week.
He was 93, and he'd been sick for a while.
Yeah, and we -- we tried cheering him up
with a "Get well" sign in the front yard.
Okay, how's that look?
Looks great.
Honestly.
Oh. No! No.
"Get well son"?
Okay, well, you know what?
"Soon" seemed a little bossy anyway.
Mitchell and I have always discussed
trying to buy the place
in the event something happened to Stan.
We -- we could use the extra space for a
guest room
or an office or maybe even...
a nursery.
I think I may want another child.
But I don't want to bring it up to Mitchell
and put pressure on him
because he's been so adamant about not
wanting one.
The last thing he's thinking about is a...
Nursery.
Lately, I've been having stirrings,
but because it was such an emotional roller
coaster in the past,
I don't want to bring it up
unless I have some sort of indication...
That we're both on the same page.
That's why, when Gloria asked if we'd watch
Joe,
I said "Sure."
It'd be a chance to remind Mitchell
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1107】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
how nice it is to...have a baby.
Claire Dunphy.
What can I do you for?
Oh, it's not so much what you can do me for.
Sounded a -- a tiny bit prostitute-y.
I'm sorry about that.
Actually, I do have a tiny favor to ask.
You know, I love your family.
- I mean, Haley, our homecoming queen. -
Yeah.
And now Alex winning just about every
academic award.
- I know. - It's been an honor to teach the
dunphy children.
Well, today I'm here to talk about Luke.
Is that the science rabbit?
That's my son.
Yes. Of course.
That's sort of the point.
I think he's feeling a little bit
overlooked.
I was wondering if you could just,
you know, toss him one of those awards
today.
Just...
Well, I'm afraid all of the award winners
have already been decided.
Oh, but, hey, if it makes him feel better,
he was in the running for the integrity
award.
He just got edged out by --
Scott Wheeler?
Oh, that little weasel's a narc.
Halloween carnival, 2008 --
"Mrs. Dunphy's grape juice smells like
medicine."
It was a long morning.
It would mean so much to him.
Well, Claire...
That wouldn't be fair.
I know. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I-I-I really am -- so embarrassing.
Maybe there's some sort of, um --
I don't know, like, a -- a -- a donation
or something

I could give to the auto shop to,
um...grease the wheels.
We're good on grease.
But you can never have too much brake fluid,
so --
Or perhaps the soccer team could use some
new cleats,
- help them get their... - Kick back?
Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, I'm really doing
everything I can
to ignore the fact that you're trying to
bribe me
for the Marlon Boniface integrity award.
I'm so glad you can remember that name,
but you can't remember Luke.
My first day off in a month,
I'm headed out the door to go shopping with
Gloria,
and my stupid boss needs me to pick up some
stupid orchid.
Like my time's not valuable?
Gloria was gonna help me pick out a toe
ring.
Oh, I don't care if you are here illegally,
you're gorgeous.
Listen, mister, for your information, I am
--
Flower. He's talking...flower.
Gavin, I would like to introduce you --
Where are the photos from the Milan Show
I asked for?
I-I don't remember you asking for them.
Oh. I guess one of us is mistaken, but who?
The fashion icon profiled by Vanity Fair
for pioneering a new sock length,
or the part-time employee who shares a
stapler?
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Here they are.
Oh, look what's new for fall.
Thumbprints.
Do you know the Thai, German, Argentine,
Mexican
- gourmet food truck back to basics? - Yes.
I need you to make me a standing reservation
there.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1108】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
How do I make a standing reservation?
Parking's a bitch.
I need you to go there, find a spot,
and stand in it until I arrive.
I wanted to kill him.
But I bite my tongue, because in this
family,
they think that I am a Colombian hothead,
which is crazy because a colombian hot head
is
when you set somebody's head on fire.
It smells terrible, but it sends a message.
Go somewhere else.
It's me -- Gloria.
What are you doing? I told you to go
shopping without me.
I couldn't enjoy it knowing you're standing
there
like a little orange cone.
It's my job. It's fine.
No, it's not fine. He's a terrible man.
But I did a little something to make you
feel better.
Oh, my god, what have you done?
He messes with something I love --
I mess with something he loves.
The second it goes missing,
he's going to check security cameras,
and I'm going to get fired.
So what?
He's the worst person I have ever met,
and there was a man in my village
named Flavio the Baby Puncher.
Hey, cone. Move.
Okay. Um, just -- just leaving.
Hello?
Faster.
I'd already been caught trying to bribe the
principal,
but believe it or not,
I was still trying to think of a way
to get Luke that award.
Then I saw Scott Wheeler.
Yeah, he was a narc and a goody two-shoes,
but he was also just a child.
And I knew the right thing to do.

Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge.
What?
- He is so adorable. - I know, isn't he?
Remember when Lily was like this?
What do you say when I'm not here?
Joe, let's show Mitchell
how you can catch and throw the ball.
Let's see.
Is this so that I'll learn?
Oh, yes -- well, no, but, I mean,
if you pick up on it, that'd be great.
Well, no, actually, here --
Joe, let's show Cam how we can dance, huh?
I love a dance party.
Oh, there we are. I like this beat.
- Should I join you? - Yes, of course.
Okay, if you insist.
Oh, how fun is this?
So fun.
- You look so happy. - You look so happy.
No, seriously, I wish you could see
the happy look on your face.
Well, if it's half as happy as the look on
your face...
Mitchell, are we almost discussing
what I think we're almost discussing?
- I want to have another baby. - I do, too.
I just was afraid to say anything.
I was, too.
I -- but the timing seems right, right?
I mean, we both seem to be on the same page.
I-I just really miss having a baby around.
The writing's on the wall.
But mostly on the curtains.
Oh, boy, okay.
Oh. All right. That's fine.
There's water underneath the seat there if
you want it.
Those guys at the loading dock
really gave me the business
when they found out I was hauling a princess
castle.
Something was bugging him. He needed to
talk.
It's like I don't want to be happy.
Well, you've obviously got something on
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1109】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
your mind.
Claire and I had a thing.
Oh, you're just gonna make fun of me.
No, I promise I won't make fun of you.
I've always wanted a "Ms. Pac-man" machine,
but Claire said no.
Actually, she didn't say anything.
She just made a disapproving noise, and I
rolled over.
Pretty wimpy, huh?
No. I've been there.
- Really? - You have to sometimes.
That's the way marriages work.
All this happy wife, happy life sort of
stuff.
Tell you what would make me happy.
This bad boy right here.
It's still in my shopping cart
Cause I just can't say goodbye.
Who doesn't want a happy life?
But soon you're saying, "Yes, dear,"
and, "whatever you need, dear,"
without even thinking about it.
Anti-glare plexi, reinforced podium.
Stand up every once in a while, you lose
all your power.
It's even got a wrist pad for your knob
hand.
Before you know it,
you're picking up a pink princess castle
for your pedicured 2-year-old,
saying goodbye to your last chance
to have one red-blooded man in the family.
And you're getting that damn game, Phil!
What in the name of "Pac-man" creator toru
iwatani
- have you done?! - You deserve it.
You work hard. You provide for your family.
No regrets.
You know what? I don't regret it.
Of course you don't.
I'm the owner of a "Ms. Pac-man"!
This is exhilarating!
Thanks, Jay.
You know, every now and then,
- I wonder how you really feel about me.

- Bup bup!
I'm sure you'd do the same for me.
- Gotcha. - Good.
- Message received. - Good.
What the hell did you do?!
I thought you sent me a message!
Have you lost your mind?!
Thank God it's still in one piece.
We can probably--
Okay, dummy.
We get this thing in the backyard,
we nail it together,
and Gloria will never find out.
Don't do this, Jay.
As your best friend, I implore you.
If we rebuild this castle,
we tear down everything we built today.
What? And what?!
We stood up for ourselves.
There's no turning back.
We're going to tell Claire and Gloria what
we did.
I'm scared, Phil, okay?
They count on that fear. They feed off it.
No more.
Someone's looking sexy and sweaty.
That's right.
And this sexy, sweaty someone
is now the proud owner of a vintage "Ms.
Pac-man" game.
Oh, it came?
They promised they weren't gonna deliver
it until tomorrow.
I wanted to be there to see your face.
It was killing me this morning
when you said you wanted to get your own.
Do ya love it?
Love, I love you.
Jay?
What took you so long?
Joe's gonna be here in 30 minutes.
What happened to the castle?
Little snafu.
About this princess castle--
What's that?
Black paint and a skull flag
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1110】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
so that we can turn this princess thing
into a pirate castle.
Pirate castle?
Yes. He's a boy.
We have talked about this.
Why do men never listen?
It's always, "Sure, honey. Sure, honey."
I don't know. Marriage is hard.
Okay, we can solve both our problems.
We put this princess castle together in the
next 30 minutes.
- Let's go! - How does that solve my
problem?
Just go!
Oh, my gosh, what happened?
Joe took Lily's car for a little spin.
Had a little fern-der bender, but it's okay.
It's fine.
Well, the curtains he drew on
are gonna need to be professionally
cleaned,
But they were overdue.
Yeah. It's fun having this energy back in
the house.
It is. Where is that little pudding-filled
rocket, anyway?
Oh, there he is. There he goes.
- You see him? - Okay, yeah, he's going into
the bathroom.
- Okay. Oh. It's locked. - Locked?
I'm gonna go around to the other door. Yeah.
- Joe! - Joe!
Okay, well, that's gonna clog.
All right, I'll get the plunger.
Okay, now, sweetie, listen.
We can't use that much toilet paper
because it's wasteful.
Oh, my gosh. My keys.
No, no! No! No, no, no!
Oh, good, it didn't clog.
Okay. Oh, geez.
Lily, did you spill purple paint on the
floor?
Yeah, I'm the problem today.
Oh, geez.
Oh, God! The vanderkolff!

What?
Oh, God, the vanderkoff!
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
We'll, we'll just get it professionally
cleaned.
Yeah, w-we'll just throw it in with the
curtains.
Ball!
Oh, no, that's not a ball.
No. No, no, no. That's a criminally
expensive Santangelo bowl.
Okay, I'm gonna sneak around behind him
snd you're just gonna keep him talking.
Joe, you don't want to do this.
You know, as of right now, you haven't done
anything wrong.
You just hand that over to me,
and it's like nothing ever happened, see?
Okay, he's not baby face nelson. He's an
actual baby.
Okay, you know what? You want to help out?
Slide something underneath it like a throw
pillow.
Throw!
You forget what a handful kids are when
they're little, huh?
Yeah, I didn't realize how easy we have it
- Now that Lily's so independent. - Yeah.
Plus, we're not as young as we were when
she was like this.
Mitchell, are -- are we almost discussing
What I think we're almost discussing?
Maybe we shouldn't rush into having another
kid?
It's a big decision, and I love the way our
lives are now.
Oh, god, me, too!
Th-th-this doesn't make us selfish people,
does it?
Of course not.
Baby Joe's stuck in the well.
- Leave him. - He‘s fine.
No, no, no. A little bit more to the left.
What are you doing here?
I can't believe I have to beg you to go
shopping.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1111】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
Well, I have to make sure
that you're putting that thing in the right
place
since this stupid, horrible job is so
important to you.
Ay, Haley, I have to say,
today I lost a little bit of respect for
you.
Goodbye, Gloria.
You need to learn how to stand up for
yourself.
Do you know how easy that is for you to say?
No, no. Nothing in English is easy for me
to say.
Unlike you, I don't have a rich husband.
What I do have is a reputation for being
a screw-up
who never follows through on anything.
which is why, in case you haven't noticed,
I'm in my third year of a two-year college
program
and still living in my parents' basement.
Look, I know that this job sucks,
but it might actually lead to something.
Do you know who had this job five years ago?
Gavin, and he worked for an even bigger
jackass than he is.
Hey! That was a quick lunch.
Yeah, the line was too short.
It's over. I can't be seen there.
I wouldn't want people to think I was a
jackass.
Uh, look, when -- when I said that,
I really didn't --
Okay, first of all, you were just leaving.
Second of all, maybe permanently.
Faster.
You know what, Gavin?
- I have had enough of -- - No.
What? Why not?
It's time I stood up to this guy.
I'm probably gonna get fired,
so I might as well get in a couple shots
before I lose my dental.
No, you were right before.
It's very easy to be like me,

to scream first and think later.
But that's not how the world works.
Let me go talk to him.
- No. - Yes.
I caused all this.
Anyways, it's good for me every once in a
while
to swallow my pride.
What do you want?
I just want you to listen to my voice
and look into my eyes and ask yourself,
"Did this woman made it all the way here
from colombia
without knowing some very bad men
who would love to do her a favor?"
Okay. I don't know what's gonna happen
next,
but it feels so good to apologize.
Oh, my god, I still have my job.
Oh, that's great! Let's go celebrate.
Oh, you know what? I can't.
I have to go spread seeds on his front lawn
so he can run through birds when he gets
home.
I have one more thing that I need to
apologize for.
Call me the periodic table, 'cause I got
all the "Metals."
That's nice, honey.
Luke, how was your day?
Well, Luke won the Boniface integrity
award,
whereas I got all --
Are you kidding me?
That is fantastic!
I'm so proud of --
The bonerface!
You win that award, everyone calls you
"Bonerface."
It's the super nerd award.
My underwear got pulled over my head by a
girl.
It always goes to Scott Wheeler,
But someone pushed his car into a
handicapped spot
So I'd get the award.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1112】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
And I think I know exactly who did it.
- Well -- - Manny!
You framed Scott Wheeler so I'd win the
bonerface.
It adds up.
First, lower your voice. We're not
stevedores.
Second, you're wrong.
Third, it serves you right, anyway,
after you hit on Sarah Fink.
Oh, for god's sake.
There are plenty of other girls out there.
Get over it.
That cinnamon stick is from SriLlanka!
Get off me!
You smell like a candle.
It's lavender bath beads, you son of a
bitch!
And the award for the saddest brawl goes
to
Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I did it! I did it! I got you the Bonerface!
Ugh the Bonifa-- what's it called?
Just get out of here.
- You? - Yes.
Why?
Because I didn't know it was a nerd award.
I just knew it was an award, and I wanted
you to have one.
And you were second in line to get it,
anyway,
so I just, you know...
Rigged it because you think I'm a loser
who could never win his own award?
No. No.
I-I just...
Alex has her awards and
Thanks for believing in me.
Joe's gonna be here soon.
Let's pick up the pace. Window looks good.
Let's raise the roof.
I don't think it's time to celebrate, Jay.
We haven't even put on the roo-- oh.
Honey.
I am so sorry.
You just seemed so upset this morning,

and I assumed it was about awards day and
Alex.
I don't even care about awards.
Then why didn't you want to go to school?
This isn't still about that fight
that you're having with Manny over Sarah
Fink, is it?
I don't even like Sarah Fink.
I told her to stop calling me.
Well, then why does Manny think that
you're...
You didn't hit on her. She hit on you.
And you're -- you're trying to spare
Manny's feelings.
I am the dumbest person in the world
to think that you would ever need my help
to win an integrity award.
I could not be prouder.
Maybe next year, Alex.
Okay. Awning is done.
Supposed to be a drawbridge.
Weren't the chains a clue?
A lot of criticism
from a guy who just sawe1d half his shoe
off.
Who are we kidding?
We got a wall on backwards.
I don't even know where that stuff goes.
It barely looks like a --
Castle!
Joe, wait!
Hey, buddy.
Hey, it's gonna look even better when it's
painted.
Ah, the awning's a nice touch.
Jay, this castle's supposed to look like
so --
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, Joe, look what you did.
Do you expect me to believe
that a 2-year-old can destroy a whole house
in one second?
- Oh, wow, yes. - Easy.
For sure.
Jay, do you want to tell me what really
happened?
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1113】-
Modern.Family.S06E21
No one wins anything
without help from family and friends
who steer you away from bad ideas...
Wait, Phil! Phil! Phil!
...and toward good ones.
I don't know what got into us today.
Oh, with the baby thing?
Yes. It's the last thing I need right now.
- It's the last thing any of us need right
now. - Yeah.
Because every time anyone accomplishes
anything...
- he or she achieves it... - Nice.
...with the help of a thousand silent
heroes.
the selfless team players who offer their
support,
not to be recognized,
but because it's the right thing to do.
Awards aren't usually given out
being a good person, but today...
they are.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of the Marlon Boniface integrity award
is...
This is awesome.
- Luke Dunphy. - No!
Alex Dunphy.
Wow, this is a surprise.
Let me tell you about a little girl with
a dream.
Muchas, muchas gracias.
Where was I?
Awards day...
or as Sanjay Patel knows it, passover.
All that little girl wanted
was a calculator and a chance.
 Modern.Family.S06E22
I wanted to have it as our wedding cake.
Modern.Family.S06E22 Maybe for your next one.
Okay, Lily. So, who's this "we" that's picketing?
I got the list of what you need for your Every week, a group of us get together
project. to protest those who have been holding back
- Uh, glitter glue... - Okay. the gay cause.
glitter dots... Why haven't we ever been invited?
glitter...paper. It's just that you're not that...
Mrs. Daniels says my projects have too much political.
glitter. Uh, um, you know, ever since...
Okay, well, she needs a Mr. Daniels, He knows I can see, right?
because a project can't have too much We are very, very political people.
pizzazz. Yes, we were just discussing...
It's a report on the Potato Famine. - the Potato Famine of Ireland. - Yes.
I'm -- I'm sorry. Do Irish tears not I haven't had a potato in four years.
sparkle? Well, if you're honestly interested,
Okay. Okay. Sorry. we'll be out there on Saturday at noon.
Longinus, Jotham. You should come join us.
Hi, guys. What's up? - We will. - Yep. With bells.
Oh, nothing, just picking up supplies to - Yeah. That's just -- that's an expression.
make signs - Oh, gosh.
- for the big protest. - Yes. These are for Lily's project on the Potato
Oh, right. Right, yes. Famine, actually.
Uh, uh, w-- and which big protest is -- - Oh, okay. Bye. - Well, all right.
We're picketing the Jai Alai Lounge for - See ya, Guys. - Bye.
obvious reasons. See ya Saturday, guys.
Obviously. Yeah, good to see you. Bye.
- Obviously. - Obviously, yes. Oh, my god. Can you believe that?
What reasons, Daddy? Yeah, he's a little hippy
Um, well, Jotham, y-you tell her. for somebody that doesn't eat potatoes.
It makes me so angry, I can't even say it We were called into Principal Brown's
out loud. office
So upset. one week before Alex's graduation.
All we know is the Jai Alai Lounge That can mean only one of two things.
has the single best burger in the Either she's gonna be valedictorian
country... or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.
if not the universe. We're very proud of Alex.
- The Jai Alai Burger is Honey.
1/4-pound......Prime Angus, - 1/3. I'm sorry.
- Uh, fresh, crispy lettuce... - Butter I just feel like my whole life
lettuce. has been building up to this point.
a sauce delivered from heaven... I know.
From Kansas city. Hello, Dunphys.
all on a perfectly toasted, fresh-baked So nice to be able to
bun. give you some good news in one of these
With sesame seeds. meetings.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1114】-

How is Haley, by the way?
So sorry we're late. We --
- What's she doing here? - What's he doing
here?
Well, Alex and Sanjay,
after four years of spirited competition,
I am very pleased to tell you
that you are the Pali High class of 2015
--
co-valedictorians!
That's amazing! Yes!
Couldn't be more proud of the both of you,
huh?
What do you mean -- co-valedictorians?
"Co" is the latin prefix for "together."
But really, what do you mean --
co-valedictorians?
Well, I thought there might be some
aggressive questions
that, uh, made me nervous, and so I wrote
down my remarks.
No, I'm not trying to ruin your lives.
It's just that your GPAs are tied
to the thousandth of a decimal point.
- But my GPA'S 4.645923. - My GPA's
4.645923.
She got an "A-" On the French final.
He got an "A-" on an English paper.
No.
This is a nightmare.
Worst day of my life.
Guys, we should be celebrating.
This is literally a win/win.
I didn't work my whole life for a tie.
No offense, Principal Brown, but you were
a teaching major.
I'd like to check the GPAs myself.
Have at it.
What is it with these two?
I agree with them. Ties are un-American.
Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended
in a tie?
Yes! There'd be twice as many parades!
There must be some way to determine
who the best student is.
Well, unfortunately,
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1115】-
Modern.Family.S06E22
all the final exams and the papers are in.
Grades are closed.
Not all the grades.
Looks like the janitor finally fixed my
chair.
What are you guys all doing here?
What are the last two states to be admitted
into the union?
Alaska and Hawaii.
Name two cabinet-level positions.
That's easy.
There's a higher one for the glasses
and a lower one for the pots and the pans.
Hey, don't get cocky.
When we started studying for this,
you thought the secretary of defense job
was to guard "da fence."
Gloria's about to take her citizenship
test.
This little jumping bean's about to become
an American.
Jumping beans are Mexican.
Once you're an American, you won't see the
difference.
I got you a little gift to celebrate.
I know it's not much.
It's practically nothing.
It's America. It's fun.
Aww, thank you, Jay. I'm so excited.
Do you know that once I pass, I can serve
on a jury?
They still use the electric chair, right?
We're back.
Hola, Javier.
How was "take your son to not work" day?
How was life before radio?
Manny told me about your plans
to abandon your Colombian roots.
Really? You're gonna lecture me on
abandonment?
You left to buy some diapers,
and I saw you four years later.
If only you could let that go as easily as
your homeland.
Are they fighting or falling back in love?
c-cow!

Cow?
Cow?!
The woman who is abandoning her country
cannot remember the Spanish word for cow.
It slipped my mind.
Vaca.
There'a taco truck parked outside my
office.
Well, it looks like you both have the same
gym grade,
but I do see here that neither of you
have completed this semester's mile run.
We were at a debate tournament.
- Which we won, thanks to me. - Oh, please.
After your long-winded summation on
euthanasia,
people wanted to kill themselves.
Enough. We will do a makeup race.
And whoever wins gets to be valedictorian.
You're on.
This is crazy. Are we all so obsessed with
being number one
that we can't just celebrate this moment?
Yeah, I mean, it's the end of their senior
year.
They're both into great colleges.
They should be off celebrating, playing
hookey,
going up to the lake house to go
skinny-dipping
with their friend's older brother who's
home from college.
- Let's -- let's keep this general, Claire.
- Okay. Yeah.
The point is these are two amazing kids.
We should be celebrating them both.
Mm, we're not surprised you would think
that.
Great.
Wait. What?
Every parent wants to believe
that their child can compete with Sanjay.
But Alex can compete with Sanjay.
That's why we're here.
Sanjay was forming full sentences at 13
months.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1116】-
Modern.Family.S06E22
Alex had a poem published in Highlights
magazine
when she was 5 years old.
It was called "Mr. Lamb Buys a Ham."
But really, it was about the holocaust.
When he was 16,
Sanjay was the highest-ranked chess player
in the state.
When Alex was 15,
she discovered a mistake in our taxes.
We owed a lot more money than I realized.
Yes, we're very impressed with how much
Alex
has been able to accomplish, given her
background.
You know what? You're right.
Let's settle this out on the track.
All right, coach Tucker,
I'm assuming we can count on you to
officiate.
Well, now, normally,
I don't like to be the center of attention.
That's fine. I'll get someone else.
I said I would do it.
Alex's uncle cannot possibly be considered
an impartial judge.
I'm the gym teacher.
Who else has the training to oversee this?
Anyone with a stopwatch?
Okay, you know what? No need to humiliate
me.
May the best child win.
Oh, she will.
Consider this moment gauntleted.
Is that a word?
Hold your head up like it is.
Vocabulary's mostly a matter of
confidence.
I love that we're getting involved.
Yeah, me, too.
I think we're really gonna send a strong
message to whomever
to stop doing whatever it is he or she is
doing.
Oh, like "shame" doesn't cover 1,000
different things?

Okay. Where is everybody?
So like the gays to no-show.
Yeah, right?
Is there a sale at Barney's that nobody told
us about?
- Seriously, is there? - I don't know.
Longinus and Jotham do this all the time.
They -- they guilt us into doing something,
and then they bail.
They did it at Pepper's New Year's Steve
party.
Yeah, everybody had to dress as a famous
Steve.
Steve Austin.
Steve Martin.
They bailed,
and we got stuck in a room full of
Sondheims.
How are you doing?
My name is Steve.
Hi. Excuse me.
- Table for two? - No, no. God no.
Have there been any protesters out front
this afternoon?
Oh, the gay thing? Not today.
Oh, of course.
We rush around all morning --
I haven't eaten breakfast -- and -- and for
nothing.
And it couldn't smell any better in here.
We do have a table.
No, thank you.
No, we're not gonna compromise our
principles just for...
We'll take a booth away from the window.
In back. Something in back?
- This way. - Okay.
Oh, my God. She's still going.
I know.
Remember how winded she used to get
hauling around "Ulysses" in the third
grade?
She's surprisingly graceful for being so
uncoordinated.
I know. I was hoping to get a funny video
of her falling.
Modern.Family.S06E22
But I don't think it's gonna happen.
My playlist ended two minutes ago. I heard
all that.
Honey, I know we were all just saying it
before,
but you could actually win this thing.
I wasn't just saying it. I will win.
Nothing is going to...
Oh. There it is.
What's going on here?
I'm making sancocho.
Yeah. You got your little Colombian music
going, huh?
I know. So beautiful.
Javier got to you, didn't he?
No.
Maybe a little bit.
Gloria, don't listen to him. Get rid of that
squirrel stew.
I got a few special things here
to help celebrate you becoming an American.
Look. Kobe steaks.
Bottle of scotch.
Cigars.
You know that none of that is made in
America.
Buying them all was the American part.
Jay, I'm not in the mood.
- I am having some doubts. - Okay.
You listened to Javier. Now listen to me.
Do you know why I want you to become an
American citizen?
Because I fought for this country.
My father fought for this country.
Because this country's all about freedom
and opportunity,
And I want you to share in that 100%.
You're right. I want that, too.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, you're just a little scared.
I know what will help you feel better.
We'll fire up some steaks, we'll pour a
little wine,
you pop into those short shorts,
I chase you around the living room --
that type of thing.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1117】-

Hey, mom.
Um, I got invited
to my friend Billy's house for dinner
tonight.
Don't worry. We're not gonna eat this.
We're gonna eat steak.
Oh, good. There's no Billy.
Why the sudden change in menu?
Well, I was having some doubts, but Jay made
me feel better.
He told me the reason why he wants me to
be an American.
Oh, those long lines.
- What long lines? - The customs line.
Oh, Jay hates them when we come back from
Cabo.
What?
That son of a bitch wants me to turn my back
on my homeland
for an airport line?
You know, I should at least make an
appearance at Billy's.
Sanjay. What are you doing here?
What are those?
Ankle weights.
Okay. Wrist weights.
Why are you here?
Look, uh, tomorrow, it's all gonna be over,
everything we've been working for since we
started school.
So, I-I wanted to come by and say thanks.
I'm not a doctor yet,
but it seems like you're having some sort
of brain episode.
No, I'm serious. Thank you for pushing me.
You know how hard it's been to keep up with
you my whole life?
Uh, I have my GPA because of you.
I got into Stanford because of you.
I'll admit I did spend about a few hundred
extra hours
trying to be better than you.
I'm gonna miss this when we go to college.
Yeah, I guess I'll miss this, too.
I like you.
Okay.
Modern.Family.S06E22
I mean like-like,
like how Pierre Curie liked Marie Curie.
I'm sorry. I-I went too far.
You smell pretty. I should go.
Where's Alex? I made her a smoothie.
Might have made it a little too healthy.
Why are we so focused on helping Alex win
when we could be working on making Sanjay
lose?
- Talk to me. - Okay, is there a manhole
on the track,
cause it's kind of important to my plan.
Okay, that was weird. Sanjay was just here.
He said that the best part of high school
was our competition, and...
that he liked me.
Oh, honey.
What?
Doesn't the timing seem a little suspicious
to you?
Maybe, but he seemed really genuine.
Classic psychological warfare.
I've dealt with it in elite competitions.
I didn't realize it happened outside of
cheerleading.
Think about it, sweetie.
Has he ever said anything nice to you
before?
No.
Not even when I break out my fun blazer.
Oh, my god. What is wrong with me?
I can't believe I let him get in my head.
Oh, he is going down.
Tomorrow, Sanjay Patel begins a lifetime
of second best.
Enjoy your Hydrox cookies
and your silver medal, Mr. Vice President!
You go, girl.
Do we have any cookies?
Gloria.
Howdy, hubby.
How about some grub before we turn on the
nascar?
I'm not gonna lie, I like where this is
going.
But, uh...i'm not sure I'm supposed to.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1118】-

Ain't this what you wanted?
The perfect American wife
to make your life more convenient?
Do you think that's an American accent?
From Texas.
Manny told me that you want me to give up
my heritage
so that you don't have to wait in line at
the airport.
Oh, I got to stop talking to that kid when
I'm drinking.
Well, I'm not gonna do it.
So say goodbye to your little American
wife.
Man, those shorts really take the sting
out of getting yelled at.
Oh, my God, that burger was so good,
I feel like I just cheated on you.
Yeah, I heard the moaning. Are we terrible
people?
I don't think we are. Look, hear -- hear
me out.
By eating those burgers, we denied them
from the sort of narrow-minded homophobes
that would come to a restaurant like this.
Okay, I don't totally follow, but I like
where you ended up.
I-I'm just saying that we did the right
thing by coming here,
And I feel like -- oh, god, gays.
We're here! We're queer!
We don't support corporations that
contribute to Super PACs
which don't support healthcare coverage
for same-sex partners!
Oh, right.
Right. That's why we're boycotting this
place.
Right.
We're here! We're queer!
How are we supposed to fall in without them
noticing?
Okay, it's just like double dutch.
Just find the rhythm and jump in. Go, go.
- Right now? - Yeah.
We're here! We're queer!
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1119】-
Modern.Family.S06E22
We don't support corporations
thatontribute to Super PACs
which don't support healthcare corage for
same-sex partners!
We're here! We're queer!
We don't support corporations that
contribute to Super PACs
which don't support...
Hey, you came!
Well, well, well. What a surprise.
I don't know why this is a surprise.
We're very political people.
Yes, there's not a week that goes by that
we're not
deeply entrenched in the issues that face
our community.
Deeply. Deeply.
- And this whole, um, Super PAC thing...
- Super PAC.
It's -- it is infuriating.
Mr. Pritchett, you forgot your cellphone
inside.
Thank you. Thank you.
See, uh, before you guys got here,
we went in there,
and we demanded a refund for our gift cards.
- Yes, we went into the belly of the beast.
- So...yes, we did.
- Sir, you forgot your food to go. - Thank
you.
- And fed your bellies. - How could you?
Okay, before you get all superior,
We hadn't eaten since breakfast.
It's a quarter to 1:00.
That's what I'm saying.
Okay, you know what? Yes.
We went in there with the best of
intentions,
and we stumbled, but who amongst us hasn't?
- And, okay, isn't that what we're fighting
for -- - yes.
the freedom to fall short of perfection
and still be judged by the same standard
as everyone else?
- That. - Thank you.
No.

Didn't you hear our chant? It was really
quite clear.
- It's quite long. - You know, look.
- We want to be socially responsible. - We
do.
We want to do the right thing.
- But it's hard to keep track... - So hard.
of all the companies that we like
- and that we don't like. - Don't like.
We're -- we're just trying to make it in
this world,
raise our daughter, get her to her soccer
game.
Not Youth Soccer Federation.
'Cause if it's Youth Soccer Federation --
- I don't want to know. - Oh, my God!
You know what? Sh-shame! Shame!
Shame! Shame on you.
You are no better than the people in that
restaurant.
Come on, Cam let's go.
Come on.
Think they bought it?
Keep your head up. Don't look back.
Being right is mostly confidence.
Okay, look. I'm sorry.
We good?
Apparently not.
Look, complaining about a line at an
airport
is easier than admitting the truth about
why I want you to become a citizen.
I guess it still bothers me
that you have all these ties to Javier.
What ties? What are you talking about?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett.
You still have his last name. You're both
Colombians.
When you and I come back to the country,
we have to wait in separate lines
like we're not even in the same family.
I don't know.
I guess I just thought that if you committed
to America,
in some weird way, you'd be recommitting
to me.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1120】-
Modern.Family.S06E22
That's the longest you've ever been quiet,
And it's terrifying.
I know nobody asked for my advice --
Yet you're talking..
I agree with Jay.
Let's hear him out.
Don't do this for him, mom.
You're all over the place.
But you also shouldn't worry about what Dad
thinks.
I think you should become a citizen
because even back when we were alone in our
apartment,
this is what you always wanted.
Remember sitting by the window,
watching reruns of "Miami Vice" on the
neighbor's TV,
and all the bad guys were caught
and all the policemen had those -- those
nice cars?
We used to watch that
and think what an amazing country this was.
Did a little research.
If mom isn't a citizen when Jay
"moves on to a better place",
we could be looking at a pretty hefty estate
tax.
I don't want to sound insensitive,
but I have acquired a real taste for
truffles.
All right, kids, four laps.
First one to finish wins.
It's not rocket science, unfortunately for
you,
because I think you'd find that easier.
You nervous?
Come on, Alex! You can do it!
I ran six miles the morning you were born!
You came out of the womb ready for this!
Sanjay! Your 115 cousins are rooting for
you!
Why are you ignoring me?
All right, on your mark.
Look. I didn't mean to weird you out
yesterday.
Stop it. I'm not falling for these little

mind games.
- Get set. - It's not a game.
It's how I feel.
I said enough, Sanjay.
Run, Sanjay!
What's happening?
He must know something we don't.
Stop running, Alex! It's a trap!
What are you doing?
I was telling the truth yesterday.
I don't care if I lose valedictorian
if it'll prove that I really like you.
Are -- are you serious?
Yes.
Please don't laugh at me.
I'm -- I'm feeling very exposed with my
skinny legs.
I-I like your legs.
You do?
Well... I love your hair.
And your smile.
And the way you roll your beautiful brown
eyes
when someone gets an answer wrong.
I don't understand what's going on.
Why isn't he running?
We spent $1,200 on a Skype session with
Usain Bolt.
Uh, I feel like we're about to kiss.
Are we about to kiss, 'cause I've never
really --
Oh, my god. They're kissing.
Sanjay! What are you doing?!
Get away from her!
Oh, it's so cute.
He seems quite skilled at it.
Okay, that's enough.
I-I think -- I think we can dial it back.
So, co-valedictorians it is.
I missed a tile demo at home depot for this,
but good for you.
This is a land
where people of vastly different cultures
are brought together by their willingness
to work hard
and their desire to succeed.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1121】-
Modern.Family.S06E22
I'm a better kisser than you are.
You're joking, right? I'm actually
destroying you.
This is a land made great
by people standing up for what they
believe.
What are you doing?
Um, you know what?
I have decided that we -- we cannot eat
these curly fries.
Ba-ba-ba! Shake it.
The container, Cam.
This is a beacon of freedom.
Welcome to the United States of America.
That's your wife?
Pretty great country, huh?
Okay. You ready to begin?
Yes.
The United States government has how many
branches?
- Three. - Correct.
What color are the stars on the American
flag?
White, but I feel like it's my duty to tell
you
that you have a flag right behind you,
so probably you need to ask me another
question.
No need. Congratulations, you passed.
What? That's it? Two questions?
And I have a cheat flag? That's all it
takes?
Yep, you'll get an official letter in the
mail
with the details of your oath ceremony.
Do you know how long I've been studying for
this?
You're robbing me of the feeling of
achievement.
Ask me another question, and a hard one this
time.
- But you already passed -- - Do it.
Okay.
How many Congress members are there?
You know what? It's too late. You've
already said that I passed.

Modern.Family.S06E23
Mom, come on, I need to get to school!
Isn't it today Senior Ditch Day?
Today's Ditch Day?
No way you are ditching Ditch Day.
It's like the best week of senior
year...day.
Unlike this house,
the library will be completely quiet
So I can focus on my roommate selection.
How long can picking a nerdy roommate take?
They're all versions of you.
Look -- Indian you, blonde you, Asian you.
Oh, look! Her name is actually "Yu".
Skipping one day of school isn't gonna do
any harm.
I ditched plenty, and look at me today.
I am fielding multiple job offers.
One job offer.
From a very prominent hotel chain
weighed against the implied offer of
staying at my current job.
Working for you dad.
Exactly! And I could never leave grandpa,
so I am going to say "No" to the first offer
--
Only offer.
Even though I would have made an excellent
regional vice president in charge of
promotions.
She is great at promotion.
That title gets longer every time I hear
it.
Come on, don't go to school.
Girls' day! We'll swing by the mall.
You could use a new everything.
Girls, get in the car. Luke's hurt.
Oh, my God. What happened?
He collapsed on the way to school.
He's in the hospital. Come on.
What's wrong with Luke? Why'd he collapsed?
I heard he was dead!
You care about me.
Got 'em good, buddy.
Nobody's dead!
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1122】-
Modern.Family.S06E23
- Look out! - Oh, sorry!
Are you out of your mind?!
Alex, you have worked so insanely hard this
year.
You deserve this Ditch Day more than
anyone.
So guess what?
We're going to California Adventure.
Without mom!
Ditch Day! Ditch Day! Ditch Day!
Is this a high holiday for you people?
That's it. I'm doing it.
I'm throwing out all my socks and starting
over.
And they say Tina was brave for leaving
Ike.,
Oh, God. That hurts.
Oh, my Gosh. You cut yourself.
Don't get blood in my eggs.
We're getting concerned
that Lily hasn't developed an adequate
sense of empathy.
Insofar as she doesn't have any at all.
Okay, that's good. I can feel that working.
I know. I can finally breathe.
I can't hear myself think!
Nice preview of our sunset years.
She literally pulled the plug on us.
I wasn't gonna mention the other job offer
to my dad,
but I didn't want him just hearing about
it,
so after wrestling with it all day, I
decided to tell him.
Hey, you're in early.
Are you ready to have a laugh?
Janice's haircut?
Give her some slack.
She just went through a breakup...
with a woman, I assume, based on the
haircut.
No, it's even funnier.
Uh, so you know how hard I've been working
on
the Grand Royal Hotel account?
Not giving raises till next year, but go

on.
They offered me a job.
Crazy, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I mean, maybe not "crazy",
but trying to poach the boss's daughter?
I must have impressed 'em.
You gotta take this offer.
What?
Higher salary, better benefits.
I mean, you might have to travel more,
which is time away from Phil.
Nothing but upside.
He was right.
It was a great opportunity.
I may have been a bit hasty
turning down that job offer so quickly.
Do you think you could give me a day or two
to think about it?
Yes, it would mean leaving my dad,
but this was business.
It wasn't personal.
Plus, clearly my father doesn't care if I
live or die.
Hey, will I still get wise without my wisdom
teeth?
- You get it? - Every time.
Why don't I hold on to the painkillers?
Now I'm sad.
They're right here.
I'll give you one when you need one.
No, Kylie said she'd meet me at the dentist
and she never came.
Ay, I know, Papi, I'm so sorry,
but I'm gonna get you a very nice pillow
from your bedroom.
She wants me to go away with her to drama
camp this summer,
And then she doesn't even show up today?
Maybe Kylie changed her mind about camp.
Maybe she plans to be with many men
and she doesn't deserve you.
I hid it very well from Manny,
but I hated that girl.
She was getting too serious too fast.
I'm so sorry.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1123】-
Modern.Family.S06E23
My volleyball practice went long
and then my phone died.
I want to kiss you, but I have surgery
breath.
Just make sure you're back in kissing shape
in time for us to go to camp together.
Why do I keep smelling strawberries?
What did they do to me?
It's the milkshake I brought you.
Oh, and look.
I usually wait till you're not looking,
then I look.
The scarf you gave me, you dog!
Actually, now's a good time to look
'cause I kinda see four of them.
I got a couple pills in me.
Ditch Day. Ditch Day. Ditch Day.
Ditch...
15 minutes.
When you didn't stop while we were getting
gas,
I thought it might just go on forever.
Sweet Myrna Loy!
Dad, you know it's not
a movie called "Demolition Notice", right?
I built this theater with these two
hands...
plus the 28 hands of 14 other guys.
You...built this.
Renovated it.
Before I got into real estate, I worked
construction.
You....worked construction.
Yeah, stop staying it like that.
I put 10 months of my life into this place.
I'd love to look around one last time
before they tear the old girl down.
Oh, well, sucks to be getting old.
You know what? We're bustin' in.
How? Smash a window with a brick?
I had something a little more elegant in
mind.
I think you forget that I gave birth to this
building.
I know her strengths...
and... her weaknesses.

Did you see a brick?
So I walked into to Dad's office,
and he is holding a picture of me,
looking at it with tears welling in his
eyes.
Oh, Dad was never that emotional when we
were growing up.
I know. That's what makes this whole thing
so hard!
Maybe lily hasn't learned empathy
because she hasn't seen it from me, you
know?
Could we maybe stay on my problem until the
bread comes?
I'm sorry. It sounded like you were done.
Sorry.
So, the way I left things with the hotel
company
is that I need a little more time to decide,
but honestly, I think I'm gonna tell 'em
no.
I mean, how could I leave Dad after what
I saw?
It's just -- it's heartbreaking.
Oh, I could cry.
Thank you.
Maybe if Lily saw me cry,
she would see that it's okay to be that way,
especially coming from me, her stoic dad
who never cries.
Oh, come on, you had to be done that time.
You know what? You're right. Let's do you.
Your problem is bigger than mine anyway,
'cause if your plan is to cry in front of
Lily...
Forget it.
You're too emotionally constipated.
You know, I-I know you're joking, Claire,
but sometimes... sometimes words hurt, you
know?
And to think that my own sister...
my own sister would accuse me of -- Oh,
screw it.
I'll just work up some tears with a sad
movie. It's fine.
Mom?
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1124】-
Modern.Family.S06E23
You're awake.
How you feeling?
You bought me a balloon.
- What? - And a teddy bear.
When did you buy all this stuff?
When -- when you were asleep
and I got you a strawberry milkshake.
Mom, you're the best.
He couldn't remember a thing.
All I had to do was to get him past the 5:00
deadline
so that he couldn't go on that trip with
Kylie.
I know what happens at camp.
I've seen "Meatballs".
I still can't believe Kylie flaked on me.
I thought she really liked me.
I guess not.
Time for more pills, baby.
Really? I'm already so loopy.
We have to get ahead of the pain.
Maybe she texted me.
Have you seen my phone?
Is it over there?
I don't see it.
What are you doing?
Eh...hugging!
You're so sweet.
But I don't think these pills are really
doing anything.
Does this place look familiar?
Oh, yeah. This is where we were all
murdered.
No, silly. This is where you girls saw your
first movie.
Halfway through "Hare-Abian Nights",
I looked over, and your little heads were
pressed together
like the cutest teepee ever.
And where was I during all of this family
fun?
Buddy, the three of us were having a girls'
day.
You get it.
This way. Over here by the screen.
So...

while I was still building this place,
I snuck back here with you guys after work
one day, and...
check it out.
Aw, dad! Are those our feet?
Look at how tiny!
Where's my footprints?
Um... I guess that's you. Anyway...
That looks like a baby head.
I was struggling with these two.
You were all squirmy.
I'm not gonna apologize over and over.
Come on, let's grab this thing.
Grab what, the cement?
This place is gonna be rubble in a few days.
I want a memento.
Let's do it!
All right, well, this seems more like boys'
work,
so you guys take your time on that, okay?
Super fun adventure!
Okay, so that's at least an hour.
There's a mall across the street.
I'm calling a car and going to school.
Caltech needs my roommate selection by --
What's your problem?
What's yours? You're just gonna leave
without telling Dad?
You were just about to take me to a mall.
Okay, if you can't see the difference...
Look, I'm sorry I've got better things to
do
than go shop or sit in some creepy old movie
theater
Where we used to watch cartoons.
I get it. You're beyond all of us now.
Go pick out your playmates at nerd academy.
Fine.
I'll just pick out my roommate here then.
Sorry I'm so excited about college.
Apology not accepted.
I wasn't actually apologizing, so...
Found the light!
Found the chisel!
Found the broom.
No, no.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1125】-
Modern.Family.S06E23
Mitchell? What's wrong?
I feel like Lily's inability to show
feelings
for other people might be my fault.
Oh, honey.
I think that, too, but just take comfort
in knowing
you got there on your own.
I'm watching "The Bridges of Madison
County"
because it's the only thing that makes me
cry.
When she gets home,
I'm going to turn this off and pretend I
was reading this.
"Typhoon Flattens Orphanage"?
Yeah, that's sad, right?
Now -- now get out of here,
because she's going to be home any second,
and I'm trying to stay sad.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Just to
clarify,
the only thing that makes you cry...
that truly resonates with you on a deep,
emotional level
is a film about someone... who's trapped
in a loveless marriage?
Okay, Cam, please go.
I'm starting not to feel anything.
Do you know how hurtful that is?
I'm home!
And now I'm not crying. Great.
Hey, sweetie. Hi. How was your day?
Better than hers. What's wrong now?
Daddy's just having a moment.
He's always having a moment.
Oh, wait. Oh, my gosh. I-I just realized
something.
What, that our marriage bed
is a 1,200 thread-count charade?
No, maybe this isn't my fault.
Maybe Lily can't show empathy because
you're always crying.
- Oh, so it's my fault? - Yes.
You've totally desensitized her to normal
emotions.
 Modern.Family.S06E23
That's not true! I am not... loud.
And now you wanna cry, I'm dating my mother!
because she won't cry because you're always Oh, gross.
crying. Excuse me?
And you would only know that I used to like her, but now it's ruined.
because you do love me! Please. There are worse things than dating
Hi, honey. What's up? your own mother.
Well, I just wanted to let you know Like what?
I turned down that hotel job offer. You know what? I don't like this attitude,
How come? and I am sure that Kylie won't like it
Some things are just more important than either.
money, Maybe you do need somebody like her
and for me that includes my fam-- to keep you in line while I am not around.
Man, that smarts. What are you doing?
What are you doing? I am sending your application to drama
Just trimming the hedges. camp.
I saw a low-angle photo of me the other day. We still have two minutes.
I looked like a snorted a rabbi. Mom, don't you dare.
And -- and -- and you're using Okay, name, age...
a picture of me as your mirror? street name? Like you're in a gang?
Oh, it is you! I don't want to go to camp with Kylie now!
Hey, is that my phone? It's disgusting!
Ah, yes! Oh, look. We got another text from Ky--
I found it while you were asleep. she send a picture of her in a bikini!
Um, let me put it back in your bedroom until She did?
you wake up. You -- you can just go ahead and hit "send".
Oh, Kylie texted me. No. You're not going to go to camp with a
She sent me a photo of me and her. girl like that.
Sitting right here. Oh, my God. Mom, you're crazy!
Oh, maybe she sneak in Yes. No. Yes. No.
while I was getting you all those nice You hate every single girl I like.
stuff. You have to start letting me make my own
But you're behind me, decisions,
staring at us with a terrible look on your or everything everybody says about me is
face. true--
Oh, that's impossible. I never take a bad I'm a giant mama's boy.
picture. Do they really call you that?
Are you trying to sabotage my relationship Yes. Now is that what you want?
with Kylie? Okay, fine.
Her clothes are too tight, her heels are If you want to go, go.
too high, Thank you.
She's so loud, and -- I have that same bikini.
And I hate how she smothers you! Okay, we're gonna need a crow bar
Oh, my God. You're describing yourself. or something to lift this thing.
No! My clothes are not that... You look back there, and I'll check these
My heels are... shelves.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1126】-

Anything up there?
Not a thing, buddy.
I feel like I saw some sort of a--
Are they aware...?
Not a chance.
Maybe we can use this broom handle to pry
it loose.
No, that won't work. Oh, no.
Yes, it will.
Come on!
That was close.
Sorry I was a jerk earlier.
I'm actually having a lot of fun
watching cartoons with you again.
It was my fault. I'm just a little...
Are you ever gonna call me?
What?
It's just something I've--
I've been wondering about, you know.
Like, we live together,
so you don't have to call me,
and once you're off at brainy school,
surrounded by a bunch of brainy brains...
are we gonna be friends?
What are you talking about? You're my
sister.
Oh, right. Yeah, sisters.
Like, we're obligated to see each other on
Thanksgiving,
Christmas...
- Luke's funeral. - I'm fine!
"Uh-oh" what?
Nothing.
What did you do?
I was following your orders.
I'm surprised you didn't ask me to stand
on top
and saw around myself in a circle.
Why do we even need this stupid thing?
Because they're tearing down the only thing
I've ever built.
Just stand there. We can still do is.
Yeah, it's great being a real estate agent,
my face is on billboards and pens.
I have a balloon budget.
But none of it ever lasts.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1127】-
Modern.Family.S06E23
Once this place is gone,
they're won't be anything I can point to
and say,
"I made that."
- What did you do? - What does it look like?!
I sprung a leak!
There's gotta be a water shut-off!
Haley...
I'm sorry if I've been acting like
I didn't wanna hang out with you lately.
Or...ever.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried.
We'll probably be even closer
once we're not actually caged in together.
I'll be calling you all the time.
Think about it--
I'm about to live on a campus full of
Alexes.
That's bound to get annoying.
And when it does, who better to deal with
an Alex than you?
I made that.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
- Just got off the phone with Dan Signer.
- Who?
He's one of the big mucks at the Grand Royal
Hotels.
They're thinking about dropping our
account.
Something about you turning down the job
offer.
Well... and then accepting it,
and then turning it down, and then
accepting it again.
Why are you jerking him around?
You're worse than Claudia.
- Who's claudia? - Janice's ex-girlfriend.
She strung her along for eight years,
now they're in a custody battle over two
Labradors.
Am I the only one that got stuck in the break
room
with her today?
Okay, dad, look. If it'll help,
I'll call the hotel people and I'll

straighten all this out.
I don't think more calls from you is the
answer,
and by the way,
I don't think you're gonna get that job
anymore.
Fine! I don't care! I don't care!
I never wanted that job in the first place!
Well, then why did you tell me about it in
the first place?
Because I wanted you to tell me not to take
the job
Because I'm your daughter!
You know, the thing behind the mirror
that you...trim your nose hairs with?
Don't you even care if I stay or go?
Of course I do.
Well, you don't show it.
Well, maybe because I didn't want that to
be a factor.
It would kill me if I thought that what I
felt
would hold you back from getting something
that you wanted.
But trust me, when I saw that job offer,
my heart almost fell out of my chest.
I love us working together!
Thanks. Okay, then.
"Okay, then"?
I pour my heart out, and that's all I get?
One time my dad said, "Nice game, kid."
I had eye black streaming down my cheeks,,
but all I get is, "Okay, then"?
I mean, I-I probably don't say it as much
as I should,
but I'm proud of you, kid.
Got it.
- Jay? - Hey, Dan!
Gee, I didn't think you'd show up in person.
Claire, this is the big cheese, Dan Signer.
Hi, Mr. Signer. Such a pleasure to meet you.
I'm so sorry about all that back and forth
today.
Hey, I'll handle it from here.
Dan, we love doing business with you,
but I gotta put my foot down when it comes
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1128】-
Modern.Family.S06E23
to Claire.
This is my little baby girl here.
The best part of my day is having a coffee
with her in the break room,
and it wasn't that long ago
that she was sitting at the breakfast table
eating heart-shaped waffles that I made for
her.
I tell ya, it puts a lump in your throat.
Anyway, uh,
I don't know how I got to be the luckiest
S.O.B. alive...
But if I have just even a few grains left
in that hourglass...
I'm gonna be spending it with...
I almost just called her by her childhood
nickname there.
Ah, what the hell?
My little bunny foo-foo.
- Oh, no. - Let me walk you out, Dan.
- Bunny! - Thanks for coming.
Bunny!
Who's Dan Signer?
I thought we were grabbing a beer at the
club.
Just keep walking, Mel.
Uh, Lily, are you busy?
Depends.
Well, we wanted to have a little talk about
feelings.
Oh, actually, I have this project due
tomorrow --
Okay, honey. No, no. It's okay. It's okay.
Let's just sit down.
Listen, we just wanted to ask if you think
I cry too much.
And you can be honest.
I don't want to answer 'cause you might cry.
Yeah, well...
She cares about my feelings!
Okay, Lily, we think that maybe you don't
get emotional
because daddy gets, you know, so emotional
because he kind of handles
- the emotions for the entire house, you
know? - I do.
 Modern.Family.S06E23
- Possibly the entire block. - Okay. woman,
And maybe that's why you don't feel and I'll find a way to be okay with it.
anything. Thanks, Kylie.
I feel stuff. But not today.
Really? Because when we were sick a few So, I walk into his office
weeks ago, he's looking at a picture of me
You didn't seem to care. and he's crying.
I didn't care. Your dad?
Well, she's not a liar. We did something Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.
right. This is why I'm glad that I show my emotions
Don't you think you should have cared a in front of the girls.
little bit? - I think that's the reason that feeling...
Why? You always get better. - Phill,
Well... so far. can we at least have my story
What do you mean, "So far"? until the oven preheats?
Um... well, uh... Sorry, I thought you were finished.
Like someday, you're not gonna get better? Okay, so, anyway, I went back later and it
Like you're gonna die? turns out
No! No, no, no, no. Not, not for a very, he wasn't crying,
very long time. he was plucking his nose hairs.
Then why are we talking about it now? I didn't expect that.
Well, hey, you brought it up. Yeah, me neither.
I just wanted to make sure that -- To walk into that theatre and see
Stop! You're making me sad! their cute little heads together
Okay, well, she has feelings. after they had been fighting all afternoon.
Well, yes, and it seems that she wants to Come on, you had to be done that time.
keep us alive. No, is it me?
So all in all, a good day of parenting. Is it the way that I tell stories?
I don't want to live with aunt Claire! Am I so boring or is everyone in this family
Lily! that self-involved.
Parents make so many mistakes with their As I was saying
children... Her name was Elena and she's from North
I've alive, sweetheart. Carolina.
But what about daddy? That's my roomate.
I'm alive, too. Now I'm done.
Come here. Come on, sweetheart.
But it's only because we're trying so hard
to make them happy.
Not her. Not her. Oh, my God.
You're gonna be the cutest girl at this
whole school.
Wait, these are girls, right?
Trying so hard to keep them close...
You could knock.
even though we know we can't.
I know someday I'm gonna lose you to another

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1129】-

Modern.Family.S06E24
Here she is!
Thanks for being there, you guys.
We wouldn't have missed it, sweetie.
Your speech was fantastic.
What's wrong with your speech?
Oh, is it that obvious? I...
I got adult braces!
Are you sure?
'cause they don't seem like they fit right.
I think it's a bold step,
And I support you in your journey of
self-improvement.
No, you're not getting your hair
straightened.
You know your dad wishes he could be here.
What are you talking about?
I'm right here!
I had Andy set me up
so I could be here with you all.
I just had to plug him in.
It was a nice reversal from when I had to
pull the plug
on my dad in the hospital.
While he was away on a business trip,
Phil got a terrible ear infection,
and the doctors said he
could burst an eardrum if he flew.
I was devastated to miss Alex's graduation,
until I realized I didn't have to.
I got to hold up my phone for two hours
so Phil could see the graduation live.
Bet I was the only dad there not wearing
pants.
How great is this thing, huh?
It's so convenient.
It's like I'm right there in the
room...with you guys.
Hello?
Hello?
Gloria, would you tell your cousin
to stop leaving his trash everywhere?
It's been five days of this nonsense.
He comes in here, eats all my food,
drinks all my booze,
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【1130】-
Modern.Family.S06E24
and never so much as does a dish.
Oh, yes, so different
from what all those white people over there
are doing.
You got a blind spot for the deadbeat
yahoos in your family.
He's not a yahoo, and don't say that in
front of him!
He doesn't speak english!
He understands it.
Oh, really?
Fire! Run! Fire!
You're being ridiculous, Beth. Don't go.
Oh, you're so sweet, but I don't want to
intrude,
so I'll just see you guys later.
Oh, Gloria, tell her she can stay.
Of course you can stay.
We love having you here, especially Joe.
You're his new favorite.
I used to be his favorite
until I told him I get paid to hang with
him.
I just felt like he had a right to know.
If I'm being honest, I thought I was into
Andy.
Then his girlfriend, Beth, came into town,
and she's really sweet and they're great
together.
So, in the spirit of graduation,
I'm officially moving on.
And, unlike my actually graduation,
there's no pregnancy scare.
All right.
Good.
Uh, are you sure about that outfit?
Why does this keep happening?
Well, it's not because Joe dresses like an
adult.
I dress like an adult.
You wore light-up sneakers to a Radiohead
concert.
Yes. And did we ever get separated?
Not for lack of trying.
Oh, my God.
Haley, the number of times I've thrown

those shoes away.
They're just too easy to spot in the trash.
Oh, yes. Yuk it up.
I'm gonna go get him a new shirt.
"Goldilocks".
My mom read this to me a thousand times.
I just never understood
how that little girl got away with it.
What do you mean?
Well, if I were a bear
and somebody broke into my house,
laid in my bed, and ate my food,
I'd rip her skinny little arms off.
Well, it's just porridge, right?
It's my porridge.
There he is.
This is crazy, but I have this same shirt.
You're so adorable.
Isn't he adorable?
Y-yeah.
I should leave the room more often.
No!
Can you blend cheese?
I don't think so, and I don't want to try
it.
I just want a smoothie or something.
Hey, guys!
- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, god.
Guess what. They accepted your offer.
Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic!
What offer?
We're buying the apartment upstairs from
us.
We're gonna expand,
put in a proper guest room,
- a home office. - Yeah.
- So much space. - Yeah.
Congrats!
I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my
screen again.
Isn't that great?
Yeah. Oh, so great, so great.
I thought Mitchell would be more excited
about the unit upstairs.
Something is going on with him.
He's been more distant lately.
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【1131】-
Modern.Family.S06E24
For the last two weeks,
he hasn't been that interested in the unit
downstairs, either.
What's that?
Phil, nothing.
It's just a little gift I got Alex.
But we already gave her our present.
That 16-piece luggage set was a real
winner.
This is more of a mother-daughter thing.
It's just a key chain with a picture of me
and Alex
on her first day of school.
I wanted her to have something
that reminded her of how much I love her.
Why don't we just sing that song I wrote
her?
Because I don't want to sing that lame song.
Lame. Okay.
Phil, really? Come on.
Only you could hurt a robot!
You, uh -- you need some help?
Sure.
So, um, I was wondering --
Um, has Beth said anything to you about me,
about...
not liking me?
Are you kidding?
Beth's obsessed with you.
She's always like,
"Haley's so cute. I just want to bite her
face."
Oh, my God.
She asked me where you work,
where you go at night, whether you hike
alone.
She's actually very concerned about you.
Or is it possible --
What are you guys talking about?
How I'm only into Korean dudes.
Oh, hey, honey.
Hey, Phil.
Hey, don't turn. Be cool, be cool.
I need you to make this apartment thing go
away.
- What? - I said, "be cool."

Why do you want it to go away?
We had some budget cuts at the office,
and a bunch of us got laid off.
Now -- now, I didn't tell Cam because...
I was embarrassed, but also because I knew
--
I knew I would get another job like that.
It's been a month, and -- and now it's just
weird
that I didn't tell him in the first place,
So every morning, I leave for work.
Well, heigh-ho, heigh-ho. It's off to work
I go.
I send out my resume.
And then, like most unemployed people
hiding the truth from their spouses,
I go to the park.
And then, one day, I met Spencer.
Hello.
And now I play checkers with spencer.
No!
And his best friend, George,
who helped me get over my lifelong fear of
birds.
That tickles. Stop it! Stop it!
Mitchell, you can talk to me.
I'm a realtor.
I need you to kill the deal, okay?
Don't tell Cam.
Mitch...
What was that about? What did Mitchell say?
Do I smell Jay's famous ribs?
Phil. Phil.
Calm down. Gloria needs napkin rings.
I'm gonna hold you up. You can check the
high shelves.
Lift with your legs. I had a big lunch.
I don't see any napkin rings.
I just see a box with some Spanish written
on it.
Oh, that's probably it.
Crockett and Tubbs! That's heroin!
What?!
You know, horse, smack, hell dust.
I know the nicknames. I've watched
"Kojak".,
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【1132】-
Modern.Family.S06E24
I guarantee that low-life cousin of
Gloria's
stashed this up there.
Jay, where are the napkin rings?
I'll give you guys some privacy.
Look what your cousin's hiding in here.
That's my horse.
That's yours?
Yes, I brought it back from Colombia.
My god. I married into a drug cartel?
These are the ashes of my dead horse,
Gaucho.
I had him when I was a little girl.
You thought that these were drugs
and that they belong to my cousin?
Well, what was I supposed to think?
I am sick of this, Jay.
You treat my family like they're criminals.
Like he would bring $150,000 worth of
heroin into this house!
How do you know how much --
What?! I can't know street value?!
Alex, honey, could I borrow you for a
minute?
One sec.
Uncle Mitch, this is amazing.
I can't believe you kept all of this.
Oh, it's nothing special.
It's just a handmade scrapbook
of every note and drawing you ever made me.
You got to be kidding me.
Oh, oh. Hola.
This is good.
This is a report card
that you made for me when you were 4,
And you gave me a b-minus as an uncle.
I was mad because you wasted your vote on
Ralph Nader.
But today, you get an A-plus,
because this is the most thoughtful gift
ever.
Oh, Mitchell, where do you even find the
time for this?
So, this one -- here or here?
I don't know.
What about here?

Spencer!
Hey, guys, so, a random question,
but, um, do any of you
get kind of a weird vibe from Beth?
You know, like maybe something's a little
off?
Beth? No. She's an angel.
Yeah, she seems super-sweet.
You're really not shying away from those
"S" words, are you?
S-so, no one thinks
that Beth has maybe, like, a slightly
psychotic side?
I see what's going on here.
Somebody's jealous
'cause she's not the only pretty girl
around here anymore, hmm?
Thanks, mom.
Beth's super-hot.
If everyone in the coast guard looks like
that,
sign me up.
It's just on the weekends, right?
Forget it. You're all useless.
- Who was that? - Oh, it's just work.
There is a line that I will not cross.
As soon as I touch that phone, I'm a
suspicious spouse,
and that is not me.
So, I say to the waitress...
"I saw you pour from the regular pot."
And, um, she's like, "Nope.
I, uh, poured from the decaf pot".
You know? Oh, my gosh.
Let me get that.
Come on. Don't leave me hanging.
Were you up all night?
"Had fun with you. Spencer.
See you ,Monday. Spencer.
Smiley face. Spencer".
Who is Spencer?!
Hey, Mr. D.
Can we talk?
Sure thing. What'll you have?
What's up?
So, I've been...
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【1133】-
Modern.Family.S06E24
getting some signals from Beth
that she wants me to propose.
That's exciting.
Yeah. I even have ring.
So, what's the hold-up?
Well... there's this other girl,
and I feel like I have a serious connection
with her,
but... I just don't know how she feels.
Andy, back when I was dating Claire,
I used to think, "What if I'm in the
laundromat one day,
and Robin Givens walks in?"
She asks me for a quarter.
I hand her one.
Our fingers linger.
She wonders if maybe after "Iron Mike",
what she's really yearning for
is the touch of a gentler man.
I'm not following.
It's natural to wonder about a different
path,
but if you truly love Beth, you should
propose.
You're right. I'll do it.
There's this place she loves by the ocean.
I'll take her there and propose at sunset.
Great!
Thank you so much.
Bring it in.
Oh, come on. Get a roomba.
Honey, the key chain was a bust.
I need something else. Quick. Come on.
Got it. You want to sing the song.
Good thing I brought my ukulele on the trip.
Trip!
When Alex was little, I took her for brunch
at that cute little Dutch town up north.
I-I could take her there again.
A trip for just the two of us. It's perfect.
*When you don't --*
Claire?
Alex, honey, do you remember --
Oh, my God, Mom!
Grandpa got me a trip to Europe for my
graduation!
 Modern.Family.S06E24
I just wanted her to know how much she meant I got it!
to me. It's out! It's out!
I hate this family. What happened?
Phil, I need to talk to you, man-to-man. It must have been that candle.
I think Mitchell's having an affair. Why'd you sit so close to it?
What? She told me to!
I was going through his wallet Ay, Beth, thank God that you were here.
and I found a receipt to the Avian Hotel. I'm just glad I could help.
It's probably some fancy French place It's getting crazy in here.
where he's meeting his lover You want to cool things off in the pool?
for their secret weekly rendezvous. Jay!
Has he said anything to you about the unit Oh, thank God.
upstairs? There you are.
You gasped. Okay, you are -- you're never...
Only because you did. You're never gonna believe what my dad did.
Phil, tell me what you know right now. - Lock you in the bathroom? - No.
I don't know anything. Put me down. He gave Alex a trip to Europe for her
Talk to your husband. graduation present.
This is my wallet. You never saw me. There's no way I can now give her
Stella, no. Bad girl. a weekend of Dutch pancake balls after
Bad girl. Stella, no. that.
Stella, no. Can you open the door? I'm feeling
Lily spilled some juice on the counter. claustrophobic.
Should I frisk her for guns? Phil, you're in a hotel room in Seattle.
Oh, geez. I'm desperate. Just teach me the song.
Oh, sorry. Well, well, well. Look who came crawling
Jay, no! back.
Haley! Just teach it to me.
Come check it out. Okay.
I was just showing Luke and Manny It's called "Go Ask Alex".
some things that I learned in coast guard *When you don't know what a word means*
training. *Go ask Alex*
You look so pretty. *If you need someone to hem your jeans*
All right, Manny, take this pen from me. *Go ask Alex*
So, you just want me to grab it? I can't believe I'm even saying this,
See? but instead of "Hem your jeans",
That's what you do could it be "Steam your greens"?
when someone tries to take something that's No, it can't.
yours. The jeans come back at the 4-minute mark.
Awesome. Haley.
My turn. How you feeling?
What happened? Did I get the pen? Heard about the hair fire. Sounds scary.
Hey, your hair's burning! Poor thing.
What?! I left you a gift on your car to help you
Oh my God! feel better.
Ay! Your hair! It's the red one, right?

第 5 页 共 7 页

-【1134】-

Hey, can you do me a favor and go start my
car?
Uh, I guess.
Thanks.
He's alive. It's fine.
Okay, everybody gather 'round.
Phil and I have prepared something very
special
for our brilliant graduate, Alex.
Okay, you ready?
*When you...*
Why is that not -- okay, there's no sound.
Phil, honey? There's no sound.
Okay, so, while Claire fixes robot Phil,
I make toast.
When I first came into this family,
I didn't think I was ever going to be
accepted.
Then, one day,
Alex needed to write a report about a family
member,
and she picked me.
That was the first time I really felt part
of the family.
Ay, Alex, you were the first one to reach
out to me,
and I will never forget that.
They all call you the smart one,
but to me, you're the kind one.
I'm so lucky to have you in my life, baby.
Gloria.
Hear, hear.
Oh, there you are.
*When you don't know what a word -- *
No, not doing it, not doing it. We're not
-- not doing it.
One second.
Gloria, watching you give that toast,
I see you treat my family like your own.
And you're right.
I need to treat your cousin nicer.
Thank you, Jay.
Do me a favor, huh? Would you translate for
me?
Tell Armando I'm sorry I haven't been more
welcoming to him.
Modern.Family.S06E24
Tell him he's a great guy.
And he can stay as long as he wants.
We forgive you.
You sure? Maybe I can give him a little hug
or something.
No, it's too much.
Bye-bye.
Okay, I've had enough. I need to know.
Who is this precious Spencer?
Oh, God. How do you know about Spencer?
So you admit it.
You are having an affair.
- What? - It's the braces, isn't it?
I've driven you to stray. I'm hideous.
Cam, you're acting crazy.
Am I? Mitchell...
I found the receipt to the Avian Hotel.
That's pronounced "Ay-vee-ann."
Well, it sounds seedy.
It is. It's a kennel for birds.
It's where I picked up George.
There's a George, too?
Calm down. I'm talking about a cockatoo.
One or two. Is that all? How blasé?
Cam, George is a bird,
and Spencer is an old man I've been hanging
out with at the park,
because I...
I got laid off.
You lost your job?
I'm sorry. I just --
I couldn't tell you that I was out of work
again.
I...I feel like such a loser.
No, please. My gosh.
As long as you're not cheating on me,
that's all that matters.
Something will come up. You're a great
lawyer.
Oh, thank you. I just --
I don't think that we can get that apartment
right now.
Of course we can.
We already have the down payment.
And you know what? We could get renters.
We could it into an Airbnb.

第 6 页 共 7 页

-【1135】-
 Modern.Family.S06E24
Really? Different people every week? "Oh, Andy would love that.
How exciting and new. It'd be like "The Love I wish he were here
Boat". so I could share it with him."
Hey, Mom, have a second? But...
Already am. Honey, I know I'm just a robot,
I wanted to give you a present. but that sounds like love to me.
Me? No. Desn't matter anyway.
Honey, I want to give you a present. He's in love with someone else.
That's what I've been trying to do all day. Maybe I'm the crazy one.
You are the last person who should give me Don't mean to interrupt.
anything. Just came to say goodbye.
You got me here. Beth and I are going to take a drive,
You got me to graduation, to Caltech. try to catch the sunset.
You did it. Okay, well, have fun.
And you're done. Okay.
Thank you, sweetie. Thank you. I love you. It's Haley. Haley's the girl.
I want you to go to Europe with me. You love Ha--
What?! love each other!
Yeah. We'll have a great time. Come on. I'll walk you out.
Cafés, museums, Where are you going?
plus, Europe is not safe for teenage girls. You guys love each oth--
You've seen "Taken"? You're making a huge mistake!
Could you imagine dad getting that phone Ready?
call? Come back.
What is his particular set of skills? Oh, boy. This is gonna hurt.
Juggling? Stop!
Hey, Dad, can we talk? Hello?
- Sure, honey. - In private. Hello?
Oh, not so hard. I can't breathe. No!
Little robot humor. Hello?
I noticed you didn't laugh at my robot joke. Hello?
What's going on? Can anybody hear me?
Everyone thinks Beth is so great, Hello?
but I think she's crazy. Oh, thank God.
She's been after me all day. You've got to help me. I've been in an
Why would she be after you? accident.
She thinks I'm in love with Andy. I-I need you to find my daughter.
Are you? Oh, great. Thank you.
No. I mean, I care about him. What -- what are you doing? Where are you
He makes me laugh. I like spending time with going?
him. Where are you taking me?
Well, do you think about him when he's not Put me down.
around? Help! I'm being taken!
I guess.
Sometimes, I see something funny and I
think,

第 7 页 共 7 页

-【1136】-

Modern.Family.S07E01
Haley, your dad's on the phone.
He says it's urgent.
- He's with a surgeon? - I think he said
"sturgeon."
Cam, is it "surgeon" or "sturgeon"?
I am ripping these stupid braces off the
second I get home.
Phil, hold on. I'm gonna put you on
speakerphone, okay?
Andy's on his way to propose to Beth!
We can't hear anything!
Just toss me the phone.
- No! No, no. - No, you're right.
We all have our strengths. I'm a great gift
giver.
Here, Cam.
- Dad? - Haley, Andy's on his way to propose
to Beth!
- That's very sweet! - It's not sweet!
Haley and Andy love each other, but they
don't know it!
Is that true, honey?
Dad, what makes you think he's in love with
me?
I could tell by the way he hugged you
goodbye.
Phil, are you sure about this?
Claire, I think I know the look of love in
another man's eyes.
This is crazy. Should I call him?
His phone's off, but he said he was going
to the beach.
I know what beach he likes.
I thought you were the "Beach" he likes.
Oh, God, there they are.
Should I do this? I shouldn't do this.
I'm gonna do this.
W-- honey, honey, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
You got to be really sure of this.
You're gonna go over there and break them
up for what?
To hang out or to date until the next guy
comes along?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1137】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
Who knows? But shouldn't we get a chance
to find out what we are?
I'm just saying look down the road a little.
You're 21, and that looks like a guy
who is ready to settle down.
- Yeah. - Well, um...
I guess it's decided for me.
I feel like such an idiot.
No. Honey, no, no, no, no, no.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Oh, God! Here they come! Hide!
Just --
Oh, God.
Daddy looks tense.
He's just paying bills.
Is everything okay, honey?
Oh, you walked over here.
I just thought you Uber-ed everywhere.
- Okay. - Okay, I got to breathe.
That's still free, isn't it?
Mitchell, it's not that bad.
Really? Because I haven't worked in weeks.
I have no prospects.
We're living off of a gym teacher's salary,
And -- and somehow I let you
talk me into buying the apartment upstairs.
What's going on? Are we poor?
No, while other daddy looks for a job,
I'm gonna be taking on some work
as a summertime driver's ed teacher.
How much can that pay?
Every little bit helps.
And besides, Mitchell, before you know it,
you're gonna be back in a stuffy office
with some stuffy lawyers,
wishing you had taken advantage of this
time.
Am I right?
Well, that doesn't not sound like me.
Exactly, so why don't you take this
chance...
...to do something fun, find a hobby?
You know, every time we go to a gallery,
you always say,
"I could paint something that stupid."
Well, prove it.

You know what? I have. I've always wanted
to paint.
And the place upstairs is gonna be a rental
gold mine --
Once we paint it, we furnish it, we fix the
electric,
redo the plumbing,
and figure out why that brown spot won't
stop growing.
It's growing?
Did you two really just waste your entire
day quilting?
We had a wonderful time, didn't we,
sweetie?
I'm not crying anymore.
To help get her mind off of Andy,
Haley and I have been making a quilt
out of all her old clothes...
and some stuff I need Phil to stop wearing.
Oh, cool. That square is the same pattern
as my kangol hat.
Can you believe how gorgeous it is outside?
And now it's gorgeous inside.
Because you're inside. Was that clear?
Hey, do you want to go quiz me on the
periodic table?
Oxygen potassium.
He used the elements to say "Okay."
Well, that was fun for me.
Mom, can we drink now?
Honey, it's lunchtime.
That's a "Yes."
Why do I feel like you're enjoying this?
- What? - Sad Haley needs her mommy again.
That's ridiculous.
I'm just helping her channel her broken
heart
into something more positive.
Please, that's the saddest blanket,
since the AIDS quilt.
Haley's wallowing in self-pity, and you're
feeding off of it.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Mom, I'm just gonna go take a nap.
Oh, sweetheart, do you want me to snuggle
with you
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1138】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
till you fall asleep?
Okay, that's it. Pity party's over.
Time for some Dunphy fun. We are going to
the movies.
When was the last time you showered?
What day is it?
We will wait.
I know you can't tell me, but that B. Willis
jungle gym --
That's Bruce Willis, right?
His kid goes here?
Well, we do pride ourselves on privacy here
at Davenport,
but, uh, you may have a "Sixth Sense" about
this.
I'll be damned.
He looks like the kind of guy
you want to have a beer with, you know?
We have one educator for every four
children --
I have a question.
Uh, I attend high school with one of your
graduates,
a Theodore Durkas.
Did you turn him into a monster, or was he
always like that?
I actually remember Teddy Durkas.
He was a lovely boy.
I'll give him your regards
next time he's making one of my nurples
purple.
Ay, Joe, what did you do?!
Oh, it's not his fault.
These cubbies were donated by a former
parent
who fancied himself a carpenter.
I can't say who, but it is ironic
that he couldn't use a hammer, and now we
"Can't touch this.",
You keep saying you can't say, and then you
say.
It's just nice to talk to adults.
We're sold. You want Joe? He's yours.
It was very smart of you to get a jump on
next year.
Next year? What -- what about this year?

We enroll at least a year out.
And even then, there's a significant
waiting list.
- You're kidding. - I'm sorry, Mr.
Pritchett.
You could try the Learnin' Barn.
Ah, yes. That sounds very nice.
The Learnin' Barn sounds nice?
Yes, in my village, only the richest kids
were allowed to learn inside the barn.
Hope you guys like dinosaurs.
I got us tickets to "The second best exotic
Marigold hotel."
I know you're kidding,
but I found the first one incredibly
moving.
I never realized how many people hold hands
in malls.
And now that gays are legal or whatever,
it's basically everyone.
Honey, I'll hold your hand. Come here.
Is that Dylan?
No. No, that's -- that's definitely not
Dylan.
Dylan!
Hello, Dunphy family!
What the what?
How you doing, buddy?
Life's a roller coaster, but I'm tall
enough to ride.
True dat.
Haley, you look as yummy as ever.
Thanks. What's going on?
So, I'm designing t-shirts now,
and I'm trying to get the stores to sell
them.
I'm wearing one.
- "Lie"? - "Live."
The neck is the "V."
Game changer.
Yeah, and I've got all these great "V"
words.
"Love," "Dove" --
- Leave. - ..."Governor."
That is such a cool idea.
It's so good to see you.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1139】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
Do you want to get some coffee sometime?
I'm not doing anything right now.
Movie.
Nice try, but not all "V" words work, Mrs.
D.
Have fun, you two.
"Dylan!"
Mitchell, are you aware our daughter's
eating a ketchup sandwich?
Good, she found something.
So, you didn't go grocery shopping today.
I am gonna go, but after yoga.
You should come with me,
'cause you seem really tense.
well, maybe they have a five-minute class
I could sneak in between football camp and
driver's ed?
No, I'm very proud of you and your
grapefruit.
Chrysler building.
Mitchell really embraced
this whole "take a little break" thing
far more than I expected.
But for years, he supported both of us
while I pursued my passions --
photography, hip-hop dancing, fox hunting.
So I couldn't be the one to tell him to get
a job.
But maybe somebody else could.
Charlie? It's -- it's, uh, Cameron.
My husband Mitchell used to work for you.
I remember you.
Yeah, what a nice surprise.
I know! Crazy!
Crazy like that fox I told Mitchell was
chicken.
Was it clear? I-I stalked Charlie.
I can't believe it.
Mitchell and I were just talking about you
last night.
How are you?
Well, I don't want to burden you with my
problems.
I think I've outgrown my boat.
- How is Mitchell? - He's fine.
Actually, he's fielding a few job offers

right now,
and he's running into problems
because he keeps comparing everyone to you.
Sometimes I think the only thing
that's gonna make him feel better
is if you offered him another job.
What the hell? I'll do it.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm getting a new boat.
And I will talk to Mitchell.
I miss that $3 bill.
You scheduled your breakup?
Yes, Labor Day. That's when I leave for
school.
86% of long-distance relationships end in
failure.
It's the only logical course of action.
That is the least romantic thing I've ever
heard.
Stay together.
Wrong. Break up.
College is the sexiest candy store in the
world.
You don't want to show up with your jaws
wired shut.
No, take it from Haley and me.
It's hard to be apart and then together
and then apart and then together
and then apart and then turned down by the
marines
and then together.
I can't believe we've got that dodo back
in our lives.
At least Haley's happy.
Honey, could you at least take that T-shirt
off?
They loved it at the deli. They were
kvelling.,
Hey-oh!
- Andy! - Hi.
Sorry to interrupt. I just want to get these
to you.
- Here is the closing on Baywood. - Awesome.
And this is the Johnsons' offer, all set
for signatures.
You've done a real mitzvah, buddy.
I hope that's good.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1140】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
I -- it's been awhile since I've seen you.
Yeah, I've been putting a lot of hours in,
trying to earn extra money for this
wedding.
Hola. I'm Dylan, Haley's boyfriend.
I'm Andy. I didn't realize you two are back
together.
Oh, yeah.
We're like magnets...
that sometimes take a break to date other
magnets.
What happened was we were together,
and then we were apart.
Thank you so much for making time for us
today.
I'm sorry it took so long,
but the faculty kind of scatters for the
summer.
I drove my van to Maine and planted beans.
Let me guess -- and killed a giant.
- Chicken! - What the -- Joe!
Joe, come back here.
It's okay. The chickens won't hurt him.
They're used to the kids.
Chickens are part of this?
We like to utilize the setting here in the
hills,
make nature a part of the experience.
We sometimes see mice or raccoons or little
squirrels.
You know they got traps for those kind of
things.
Ay, I love it. Joe gets to run around in
the fresh air.
Erica, I need you!
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
We're out of here.
She's a loon, letting kids call her "Erica"
like they're poker buddies.
We're too late for anywhere else.
If Bruce Willis can jungle-gym his way
into that fancy school, then I can...
I don't know -- I can cubbie my way in.
They hate their cubbies? I'll make them new
ones.
Cubbies are nothing but little closets.

Ay, but look at Joe. He loves it.
He's chasing after the chickens.
He even caught one.
No! No!
No, Joe! Let go!
We will be very happy to pay for that
chicken.
Mitchell, Mitchell!
Look who I bumped into accidentally by
chance.
Hey, stranger.
Charlie!
I didn't know you painted.
I didn't, either.
It sort of started as a therapeutic thing,
But then I just really fell for it.
I always wanted to paint.
Damn it!
Why am I not painting?
Well, you're so busy running your company.
Maybe if you hired more people, you'd have
more time.
I sleep with so many actresses and models
who are into guys with jets and boats and
ski houses,
But I always wondered, wouldn't it be more
satisfying
To sleep with actresses and models who are
into artists?
Anyway, you were saying how overwhelmed you
were at work.
I'm overwhelmed by this work.
How do you decide what to paint?
You know, I just see these images in my
head,
Uh, things I want to see, places I want to
go,
how much paint I have left.
sometimes I just tap into my emotions,
and I see where that takes me.
And -- you cannot imagine the sense of
contentment.
Imagine how much more satisfying it would
be
after a good day's work.
You know, I came here to talk you
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1141】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
into coming back to the company,
But you're the most at-peace son of a bitch
I've ever met,
And I hired the Dalai Lama for a pool party.
Thank you, commander.
I will drop these at the office on the way
out of town.
So, unless there's something else?
You're something else. Claire, get this man
a cupcake.
No, thank you, Mrs. Dunphy.
I've got to fit into a wedding tux pretty
soon.
All right, get out of here. Happy motoring.
- Bye, Andy. - See you.
Where's he off to?
Utah for a month to plan his wedding.
I'm kicking myself. Andy is great.
And if I hadn't opened my big, fat mouth,
Haley might be with him right now instead
of with Dylan.
- What? - Nothing.
Claire?
Oh, I was just wondering what would happen
if Andy were to find out that Haley almost
--
No. We are not meddling like that.
No, we're not. Of course we're not.
But you meddled when you called Haley
and told her that Andy liked her.
That's a far cry from telling Andy
Haley was in love with him
and raced to the beach to stop his proposal.
Luke?
Nope.
I accidentally took your pen.
And I didn't want to go plan my wedding
with something so big weighing on my mind.
Andy, I am really sorry.
I didn't mean for you to hear that.
Do not worry. No big dip!
Really?
Sure!
It's actually kind of funny, you know?
'Cause how crazy is life?
I was all, "Should I propose to Beth?

I have feelings for someone else."
Meantime, I was talking about Haley.
Haley apparently had feelings for me, and
I had no clue!
How could you not laugh at something like
that, right?
So good.
All right. Mmm. Happy Fourth.
I am so fine.
- Hey - Hello Hello
Where do I put this?
Anywhere on the counter is great, thanks.
Hi, dad.
What's, uh, "E-olve" Mean?
Oh, no. It says "Evolve."
It's one of Dylan's designs. The neck is
the "V."
- There's two V's. - There can't be two
necks.
- Then why even do it? - Don't make me defend
this, dad.
I am just trying to be supportive.
Ignore him. He's just grumpy
because Joe starts school tomorrow.
Well, that's hard when they leave the nest
for the first time.
I don't care about that.
All I wanted was to bribe my way into that
fancy school
by making cubbies stuff didn't fall out of.
We can't say more. Litigation is pending.
All right, who's ready for my famous
chicken salad?
Thank you!
- We need the foil back. - Right.
What happened to your ear, Van Gogh?
I was painting sunflowers outside,
and I got stung by a bee.
You know, I take it as a compliment.
From the bee community?
Oh, my goodness, Claire. That's one of
mine.
- Yes, it is. - Oh, that looks so good there.
Right? I just love all the colors. It makes
me feel so happy.
Yeah.
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-【1142】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
I call it "Rape of the immigrant."
I think we left the brownies in the car.
- I'll get those. - Well, way to go, pal.
Okay, what is wrong with you people?
I am dying here, trying to hold down two
jobs
while you enable a once-proud man
who is clearly having a talent-free
breakdown.
You know why he reminds you of Van Gogh?
It's because he's earning nothing,
and he's losing his mind!
Hey, everybody! Guess who's back?!
Who? Who is back?
Andy.
Andy! Sorry, it took me a second.
No, I know. I -- I'm parting my hair a little
differently.
- Yeah. - That's one thing that's new about
me.
So, Beth likes it this way.
- I-I love it, looks great. - It looks
great.
Thank you.
Hi, Uncle Mitchell.
Honey, what's wrong?
Nothing. I-I-I just said goodbye to Sanjay.
We broke up.
No.
No, it's -- it's -- it's great.
We're -- we're both going to school
unencumbered
and ready to focus.
It's the smart thing to do.
We both feel really good about it.
You don't look like you feel good.
Well, yeah, he was -- he was sadder than
I imagined,
so I'm being strong for the both of us,
which he said he admires.
I think.
It was hard to hear him
with all the John Legend and the sobbing.
You know what?
I recently went through a very hard time,
and I found something that really helped

me
navigate my feelings.
- I don't want to paint. - Painting.
Oh, my God, right?
I am freaking out.
You don't think that's because of what he
heard us say, do you?
No, lots of people gain weight during their
engagement.
- You did. - I was pregnant.
I'm trying, Claire.
I don't want to believe we're responsible.
Of course we're responsible.
Clearly, Andy has been stuffing his face
ever since he found out that Haley almost
stopped his proposal.
What?
We have got to start talking in the garage.
Dylan, could you make me a plate?
If I can make a bong out of a carrot,
I think I can make you a plate.
You told Andy I tried to stop his proposal?
Not on purpose.
Before he left for Utah, your father and
I How's it going?
were privately discussing how bad it would
be
if he found out, and Andy overheard us.
What did he say?
He said he was fine.
But...now we're not so sure.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, that's Andy?
You think he got fat 'cause of me?
Possibly. Yes.
Should I talk to him about it?
Honey, that has to be your decision.
We are through meddling in your love life.
Yeah. Though I will say he's still very much
engaged.
Whereas, I would want to know if he got fat
because he was still in love with me.
And now we're out.
See, don't you feel better?
No.
Don't stress out about light
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-【1143】-
Modern.Family.S07E01
and perspective and -- and color.
You know, just let your painting be what
it wants to be.
- How's this? - Here, let's see.
What the hell? Why are you so good?
I don't know. I'm just good at most things.
So am I, usually.
Wait a second. So is Sanjay.
I-I-I-I have to get to him before he leaves.
- You're really getting better. - Maybe you
should go inside.
Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, get down from there!
- You're gonna get hurt. - What happened?
This is why he shouldn't go to your commune.
He'll fall, those hippies won't notice,
And he'll be eaten alive by chickens.
I think we have established
That he can take care of himself around a
chicken.
You keep forgetting that Joe is tough. He's
part me.
That's the son that you should be worrying
about.
I really thought I was done with that one.
I got a splinter... and a few other issues.
You know what's happening here, don't you?
You're having a mid-life crisis.
Oh, my god.
Some guys, it's fast cars and women.
Me, it was golf.
You, it's just a little gayer.
I know like 10 lesbians who could out-golf
you.
The point is when you're wound as tight as
we are,
You're bound to snap.
Yeah, I-I've just been working so hard for
so long.
And now that I've stopped,
I'm -- I'm having a hard time starting
again.
Oh, I get it.
I took six weeks off one summer just to play
golf.
And one day, during the big club
 Modern.Family.S07E01
tournament, Then I guess it's a good thing that we
I hooked a seven-iron out of bounds. didn't get together.
I got so pissed that I wrapped the club Best decision I ever made!
around a tree Samesies!
And drove the golf cart off the little I'm not gonna lie, Phil.
bridge into the lake. I might need to get back into that.
I'll never forget what the club pro said Sanjay!
to me. Oh, god. I can't say goodbye again.
"Mr. Pritchett, you're not a very good We don't have to.
golfer. We're basing this decision on a statistic.
Go back to your day job." 86% of long-distance relationships end in
I know I'm not a good painter, dad. failure, correct?
I -- I was just hoping to feel a little bit Of course "correct."
better You'd never misquote a statistic.
Before going back to work. And neither would you.
You're not gonna feel better until you go When have we ever been in the bottom 86%
back to work. percentile of anything?
Mitchell, you're a great lawyer. Never. I'd kill myself.
Go do that. We're in the top 1%.
And get a haircut. Exactly. I learned how to paint in an
So, listen, um, I heard that you found out afternoon.
That I was at the beach that day. Last night, I developed an app
Yeah. to feed my fish from college.
I didn't know you felt that way about me. If anyone can make this work, it's you and
Would have been nice to know. me.
Well, it would have been nice to know you God, I love numbers.
had feelings for me. I love numbers too.
A lot of things would have been nice.
Do you have feelings for me now?
Haley, I'm engaged.
That's not an answer.
Why are you picking now to talk about all
this?
Because I'm worried about all this.
What? My weight?
Please. This will drop off in a second.
Andy, don't you think that there is a chance
That you have been eating
Because you regret getting engaged to Beth?
Why would I do that? Beth is amazing.
Beth is a psycho who tried to light my hair
on fire.
Meanwhile, Dylan is in the backyard
Trying to make a plate out of sticks.
Well, at least he knows what he wants and
goes for it.

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-【1144】-

Modern.Family.S07E02
Hey, all y'all. What's going down?
My opinion of you.
What's with the fake glasses?
As an actual glasses wearer, this is
offensive.
It's like non-disabled people who park in
handicapped spaces.
I was in and out in three minutes, young
lady,
and it was your stye medication I was
picking up.
That's a lot of bracelets there, buddy.
Just ignore them. They're being sheep.
If I'd listened to what other people said,
I'd never have rocked my '90s frosted tips.
We've got pictures.
No, we don't.
You're an original, son.
When they made you, they broke the mold.
What's good, L.D.?
Yo, will.
Luke, um, there's no easy way to ask this.
Are you in a boy band?
So, we're gonna go hang at the pier.
You in?
Sounds cool, but I don't know if I can.
That's right. We got a big day planned.
He's coming to work with the old man.
Sorry.
Next time.
Deuces.
Deuces.
Word to your mothers.
Seriously, David. Tell your mom I say hi.
There she is -- our little genius.
Look at my conscientious little girl
getting ready to leave for college a whole
day early.
I'm leaving today.
- What? - No.
No, no. No, no. We have a plan.
I-I was gonna make your favorite meal for
dinner,
and then we were gonna fight because of
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-【1145】-
Modern.Family.S07E02
separation anxiety,
and then tomorrow morning,
we would make up before you leave for good.
- I just -- -Oh! No, no,
guys, this is exactly why I didn't tell you!
But I can't take you. I have a showing.
I was gonna burn a CD of goodbye songs for
the ride.
I have never felt better about a decision.
Look, I'm only 30 minutes away,
And I'll be back in a couple of weeks.
I already asked Haley to take me.
Well, I better get going.
You may each hug me for five seconds.
I want you to know that you'll always be
my little girl.
Goodbye, nor--
Time's up. Mom.
I am so proud of you,
and I know you're gonna achieve great
things in this world,
and I just read about this new nail polish
that changes colors
if you dip it in a drink that has a roofie
--
- Next. -I'm good.
All right, cool.
Well, I will text you guys when I get there.
I'm taking his five seconds.
It's a tragedy -- no other way to put it.
Such a beautiful day, too.
We just have to accept that Lily has a
soccer game
and we all have to be there.
You were supposed to make an excuse.
I'm sorry!
I ran into Cam at the market.
He asked if we could go. I panicked.
I shot myself in the foot.
Oh, yeah, you shot yourself on your foot,
You put your foot in your mouth,
you put the shoe in the wrong foot.
What is with you Americans and the foot?
I hate that painting, by the way.
I'm having the last cronut. I'm so
depressed.
 Modern.Family.S07E02
I'm sorry, kid. I think Andy ate it. How long do you think we're gonna be here
So the game starts at 2:00, right? today?
Jay ate the last cronut. I like where you're going with this --
No one likes a tattletale, kid. Make it a time challenge.
Thank you, baby, for being so honest. I think I can get her done
So we should leave in about an hour. in under five hours.
What is this "we"? That'll leave us time to get to the
I have to go and register Joe for the winter trampoline park.
camp. Oh, and surprise.
Mommy's going to buy shoes. We're going to the trampoline park.
I did not raise a rat! Boing!
Nobody gets out of this. His life will be rem--
World's worst sport, world's worst players No.
of it. So, busy time at the house lately.
22 girls in a cluster Fun busy.
Zig-zagging across a field like a busted I've taken on some work
roomba. helping people with estates and wills.
Except the only thing it sucks up is two It's sadder than I thought it would be.
hours of my life. Fun sad.
Behold, the unsellable house. - No, no, don't shoot! - Bang, bang, bang,
Two years on the market, bang!
It's crushed the soul of every real-estate Oh, no!
agent in town. I'm dying! I'm dying!
Todd and Terry Taylor, the spouses selling Meantime, I'm running a side business we
houses -- started
They're no longer either. doing short-term rentals on our unit
I used to love going to work with my dad upstairs.
to his grocery store, Frank's Food Town. We call ourselves the artful lodgers.
I got to watch him crack up the deli team Mitchell, by any chance
by pretending to lose a finger, when you were filling out the new rental
Or he'd pull out an orange from the pyramid agreement,
and somehow, it wouldn't fall. did you forget to mark no pets, or,
I don't care what the sign out front said specifically, dogs?
-- Sorry, sorry, ooh!
Savings wasn't king. My dad was. You remember the Donaldsons?
You know, with Alex leaving, This is a vanderkoff.
you and I are gonna get to spend a lot more You know, s-some couples might feel the
time together. strain
Wait. and take it out on one another.
What the whatsit? But not the artful lodgers.
Those are duck eggs. This morning was tough.
Cool. So -- There, there.
Remember how you and I used to talk about And whenever you're ready, there and there.
raising ducklings Girls. No, no, no.
and building them a little bird circus? Not a good time, not a good time.
Kind of. Wasn't daddy supposed to be driving you to

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1146】-

our game?
Daddy's been a little bit busy himself
dealing with linens
that no guest has ever called scratchy
before.
Is there a way to make the room not so cold?
Do you know what it's like to wake up
next to your husband one morning and he's
cold as ice?
Yes.
Yeah, I'll work on that while you eat
breakfast.
Did you make the French toast?
Yes, it's right on the counter.
- That's French toast. - What's happening?
I wanted regular toast for the French
people.
Surely there was a better way to describe
that.
He's allergic to eggs, Mitchell.
Wh-- okay, w-why did you eat that?
Why -- why did he eat that?
Okay, maybe we should finish this up
another time.
And just so you know
I do -- I do work on referrals.
Here is a room you're going to love --
Your very own man ca--closet.
Man closet.
Who loves, uh, basements?
That's a rhetorical question.
Have I got a basement for you.
Watch your step coming down.
Because it's a finished basement,
You can actually count the square --
I don't think this house is kid-friendly.
Well, you said it yourself
when we were taking the towrope up the
driveway.
This -- this house looks like a weird
spaceship.
Kids love spaceships.
Don't they, Luke?
Yeah.
I remember one day, I was around Luke's age,
and I wasn't all that happy to be at food
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1147】-
Modern.Family.S07E02
town,
but my dad knew exactly what to do.
He gets on the P.A.
And he says, "Attention, shoppers,"
and then he hands the mike to me.
I was like, "What?"
"Red wing peanut butter -- $1.69 for two."
He lost a lot of money on that sale,
but it's a rush I'll never forget.
It's like being on a submarine, right?
You guys, uh, fans of Tom Clancy?,
You know what? Luke'll finish the tour.
It's the office.
- It's not ringing. - This is your moment.
Hello?
Follow me, I guess.
How did we get on the second floor?
Isn't it great?
There's an imperceptible rise.
So you guys can either reverse course
or take turns sliding down the fireman's
pole.
Luke'll show you.
H-hang on.
But because you wouldn't let mom and dad
cry over you,
that emotion is gonna build up
and explode all over Luke and me.
I'm sorry. I just couldn't want.
Do you know how long I've been dreaming
about this day?
Leaving your family?
Don't turn it into an insult.
I'm just really ready for this.
I'm finally surrounded by smart, curious
people.
Okay.
So, I'm gonna go.
Hi! You must be Alex.
I'm your roomie. I'm Maisie.
My dad says it's short for amazing, but it's
not.
- Wait, I-I picked a different -- - Roommate,
I know.
She got sick -- Well, she had a panic
attack.

I can sympathize. I usually get one right
before my cycle.
Anyways, they denied her visa and she's
still in Norway.
"Help! There's norway out."
How old are you?
I'm 15, but I've seen four R-rated movies
already.,
I'm so excited you're here.
Where should I put my medicines?
Yeah, so you are good to go. I'm fine.
Oh, not quite yet.
So, Maisie, do you speak any languages?
Si, Oui, Da, Ja, and of course I also speak
wookiee.
Ahh! That is gonna be so much fun!
Yay!
They've been here 2 days and they've used
18 towels,
yet the soap is untouched.
What are they -- sloughing each other clean
like elephants?
Mitchell. Great, you're here.
Coach Chuck had a death in the family.
Thank you so much for remembering about the
referrals.
I don't have a card on me right now, but
--
No. He can't come,
and since you're the assistant coach,
you're in charge.
Okay.
Think you're gonna be okay with that?
Assistant coach, coach. What's the big
diff?
Well, as an actual coach, um, diff.
Come on, today's about being out in the
fresh air,
forgetting about our problems at home,
spending some quality time with the family.
You're right, you're right.
Where is my family?
You don't think they're standing us up, do
you?
You know, when I saw Jay at the grocery
store
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1148】-
Modern.Family.S07E02
and asked him if they were coming,
he took a sample meatball and chewed it for
a full minute
before he said yes, so...
You all are still here.
How often do you break in here?
Does that explain the white wine?
We fired a cleaning lady.
Listen, I thought you guys
would already be at Lily's soccer game,
And things have been pretty emotional at
my house this morning.
I just wanted a couple hours by the pool.
Claire must have left the ice bucket by the
jacuzzi, too.
I will write the cleaning lady a letter.
How'd you get out of Lily's game?
I lied and said that Alex was leaving for
school today,
which turned out to be true, so I'm off the
hook.
You guys let me know what I miss.
Could you get that?
- Yello? - Claire?
What are you doing there? We've been
waiting --
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- I don't believe this. - I don't believe
this.
They want more towels. What are they,
midwives?
Here.
Just ignore it.
How many phones does he have?
Pick up. Anybody. I --
You know, I could get more phones.
He's never gonna stop.
Mitchell, hi. Hey, can't talk.
I'm just leaving my house right now with
alex.
I know you're at Dad's house.
Yeah, okay. Um, look.
I didn't want to say anything. Dad got in
an accident.
He's fine. Nothing to worry about,
but I got to go. Bye.

That was pathetic.
Let me show you how it's done.
Hello, Mitchell.
So I hear my dad had a little accident?
Yes, of course, well, the accident that
your father had
is that actually he shot himself
in the foot.
Trust me. He believed me.
You're not listening to any phone ringings
right now,
are you?
So, this is turning into
a whole group thing by the pool.
Our pool.
You guys, I just got a text from Cam.
Give me that.
"Gosh, I sure do hope Jay's all right.
It's unbelievable something like that
could have happened."
You're welcome.
Fantastic.
- It's perfect. - We're all good.
Well, you guys, you might want to listen
again,
only this time, I'll be Cam.
"Gosh, I sure do hope jay is all right."
It's unbelievable something like this
could happen."
We're screwed.
Okay, they're coming,
but can you believe they were gonna bail?
Keep your -- keep your eyes down. Eyes down.
Have we missed a single one of their kids'
events?
And it's not like we don't have a million
things going on right now.
Follow through!
Yeah, like when we had to sit through that
sanitized fifth-grade production of
"rent",
where they all got head colds?
Keep your leg straight. Keep your leg
straight for me.
- Cam, can you not do that? - What?
Well, it's just that, you know, I'm kind
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1149】-
Modern.Family.S07E02
of coach, so --
It just seems weird that this is the time
that you're trying to help me.
Okay, and in what way am I not helpful?
Okay, well, when I'm with a bereaved client,
say,
and you decide that that's the perfect
moment
for a scenery-chewing death scene.
Unlike the tremendous help you've been to
me
running the artful lodger.
You couldn't even register the domain name.
I never liked that name, anyways.
And there it is.
I see what this is.
- What? - Jealousy.
Yeah! Yeah.
'cause your football team can't seem to
win,
but here I am 4-0.
Okay, please. Yeah.
This is little girls' soccer.
It's not even a real sport.
Excuse me?
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to
leave.
Oh, no, I was just --
Let's not do this the hard way.
It's the worst of everything.
We have to go to the damn game.
And they're never gonna believe any of our
excuses
in the future, even if they're real.
Unless...
Why do you do that?
Why do you say "unless" and then pause?
Just finish the thought.
Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.
I can't believe I'm saying this, once
again,
in only seven years of marriage,
but please put the gun down.
Don't be a baby.
It's a pellet gun.
It's just going to be a little nick on the
 Modern.Family.S07E02
side, rid of her.
and then we go to the game. I'm calling my advisor and getting a new
They're gonna see that it's true. roommate.
They're gonna feel horrible because they - No. - Give that back.
didn't believe us, Need I remind you I am a yellow belt?
and then we don't have to go to anything I can't keep track of all your ugly belts,
for a whole year. but I don't think you should change
I have to say, it makes sense. roommates.
No, it doesn't! Listen, as much as you're my go-to girl on
Why don't I just bandage my foot up and limp college advice,
on in there? - I really -- - Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no. Would you just shut up for a second?
It has to be real because if they catch us Here's the thing --
faking it, I had a similar experience with a roommate.
it's going to be worse. She was this annoying little know-it-all
Please don't point the gun at me. who totally got on my nerves.
Okay, all right, all right. You heard my - Yeah, I get it. - Oh, shh!
dad. I spent a long time trying to get rid of
Put the gun away. her
We just -- we'll have to think of something until I realized that that little girl,
else. in her own way, put me on a pedestal.
What to do? It felt great.
Shoot, shoot, shoot. You just landed in a world of superstars,
Okay, I'll put the gun away. and I know you'd never admit it,
No! but you're scared.
No! You did that on purpose! It's not the worst thing to have your own
I wasn't even looking! personal cheerleader.
I turned my back on you. I'm so sorry! I miss mine already.
Watch the sippy cup. Well, I guess my five seconds is up.
I hope you're a heavy metal fan You don't often see a 5/8 bathroom,
because all the heavy metals but they're highly sought after.
are going right here above your trophy. The deal's in the bag, kid.
Cool. Maisie. I'm just gonna wrap it up, and then we
So, I heard they're giving out mailbox keys bounce.
downstairs, And then we bounce.
and I was thinking maybe you could pick up Trampoline park.
both of ours? How are you not high-boinging me right now?
Sure thing, friend! I was thinking of maybe
What a day -- I've got a mailbox and a meeting up with my crew at the pier.
friend! Sure thing. After we tramp.
You sure do. Fine.
Could you try not to enjoy this so much? After a while, I stopped hanging out with
This is me trying. my dad at the store.
This ends now. I got busy with cheer practice,
What are you doing? and I guess pyramids of oranges don't seem
What do you think I'm doing? I'm getting so great

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1150】-
 Modern.Family.S07E02
after you've built pyramids out of man. - Of course! - Without a doubt.
I don't know if it bothered him that I Mommy shot Jay.
stopped coming around, I'm sorry, what? I thought you said --
but if it did, he never let it show. Yeah, mommy shot Jay. Aunt Claire said,
All right. Let's do this. "Shoot him."
Actually, I think I, uh -- Dad.
I twisted my ankle You would rather take a bullet than support
jumping out of the way in that room full your granddaughter?
of murphy beds. This was really Gloria's idea.
I probably shouldn't get on a trampoline. I'm surrounded by rats.
You should go hang out with your friends. Mitchell, listen to me.
- Really? - Yeah. I know "I'm sorry" barely covers it,
Might be faster if they come get you, but it's very difficult for me to come here
though. today
I should do one more sweep of the house. and watch little girls playing soccer
I think I lost the Blanstons. on the same day that my little girl left
Thanks, dad. for college.
Deuces. Well, me too.
Let's go, girls! I mean, watching my little grandbaby go off
Pass and move! --
The players should never be standing still! Don't jump on my thing.
The best defense is good offense. Sorry to interrupt.
Well, now, that can't be true. So, the parents and nannies voted,
Halftime! and we're going to relieve you of your
Okay, good -- good half! command.
All right, we're down by three, but that's but I'm the coach, so --
okay. I'm the coach now.
Look. Look who finally showed up. Glad you got here in time to see that.
Not easily. It's not funny, Claire.
As you can see, I have a severely injured Cam. Where are you?
foot. In the parking lot with binoculars.
Where is Cam? What, when did --
He -- he got banished by the ref. When did you buy an army jacket?
How did that happen? Be specific. Not him, to the left.
Who cares? Oh, hi.
The important thing is I did, in fact, shoot So you let Debbie take your whistle?
myself in the -- Well, yeah, I can't blame her. I'm a
Save it. Don't add insult to fake injury. terrible coach.
- Fake. - Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry I-I pushed you away.
Seriously? No, no, no. You hush up.
Say hello to his little toe. I'm the one who's sorry.
Oh, my God. You really You know what? I've been trying to pretend
shot myself in the foot. like
Yeah, it was so scary. the pressure hasn't gotten to me, but it
- And the blood. - There was so much blood. has.
But you guys -- you still showed up anyway. Oh, my God. Me too.

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1151】-

I, I always thought we were that couple
that could rise above tough times, you
know?
I just -- I don't want to feel like there's
distance between us.
What? Sorry, you're -- say that again.
- You're breaking up. - I didn't hear you.
-what? Huh? -what? T-there you are.
Second half, girls.
Oh, God. Okay. Intermission's over. I got
to --
Okay, listen up, Bub. You go get your team
back.
We need this. You're gonna get us a win
today.
How?
Just go get your whistle back.
Look at me.
We got this.
- Okay, so we're down by three, but—- - hi!
So, I got this from here, so --
What do you think you're doing?
What I was born to do.
I am a coach, damn it.
God. I'm so sorry.
That came off so much easier when you did
it.
As our history with costume parties has
taught us --
we shine brightest when we work as a team.
Yeah.
Okay, have the forwards form a triangle,
spread the defense.
Okay, forwards, form a triangle.
Spread the defense.
By late in the half, we had tied the score.
Proving once again, the best offense is a
good defense.
That's like saying the best hat is a shoe.
Okay, with 10 seconds left, Lily was open
on the wing.
Now have her pass to Lily.
Pass to Lily!
- She passed to Lily. - I can see.
What?! Yes! Yes! Yes!
That was me. I did that.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1152】-
Modern.Family.S07E02
That was him! He did that.
It does feel different without her here.
Yep.
Pretty quiet without Luke here, too.
Did he say what time he's coming home?
Soon, I'm sure. Oh, he left you something.
"Thanks for letting me see that crazy house
today.
Feel like building one ourselves
tomorrow?"
What?
He went back for the duck eggs.
We found these eggs out in front of the
house.
Yeah, honey. I-I-I got it. I got it.
I know the two of you well enough.
I can connect the dots.
But you just really helped me out.
Who are you --
Again, mom?
Alex, I know you said not to call
unless it was very important, but this is.
I need to know everything you can tell me
about baby ducks.
It stings!
This is so not sexy.
Okay, so we all agree.
Everybody gets a free pass once a year to
miss a kid event.
Ooh, I heard Luke might be forming a boy
band,
so I want to get out in front of that.
Great! That means you'll be available
for my one-man quick-change version
of "Seven brides for seven brothers."
I'm gonna change my vote.
Yeah, put me down for missing that, too.
No, but you don't understand.
I-I play all the brides and all the
brothers.
Make it three.
But you'll come, right, Jay?

Modern.Family.S07E03
There you go. A nice yummy breakfast.
Hey, where's the little leprechaun?
Oh, I think he's still getting dressed.
No, on the box. This isn't our normal
cereal.
Well, because this is the store brand,
but it's delicious.
Okay, guess what. I just got an offer to
handle a case.
Good, because I think this cereal is mostly
sawdust.
It is great, it's just there's, um...slight
complication.
It's for Closets, Closets...
I don't like where this is going.
- Closets... - Don't say it.
Closets.
What did you think the last word might be?
Mitchell, you can't work for your father's
rival.
Hey, wait. Why does grandpa have a rival?
- Oh, who knows? - Betrayal.
Because 30 years ago,
your grandfather's business partner
and best friend, Earl Chambers,
stole his rolodex with all of his clients
and started his own company
on a day that is now known as Black
Wednesday Afternoon.
Nobody calls it that.
Look, I know that there's some history
there,
but can't we all just move on?
Your father hasn't.
He still crank calls Earl every year
on the anniversary of the day
that is now known as Black Wednesday
Afternoon.
I really need this job.
At least tell your dad first
and spare him the pain I felt
when I found out you were still
getting your hair cut at Miguel's.
Wait, what did Miguel do to you again?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1153】-
Modern.Family.S07E03
He recommended a shampoo for thinning hair,
Mitchell.
Maybe we can use this to fix the loose tile
in the bathroom.
Hey, Mr. Dunphy, can we have just a moment
of your time?
Come on, now. How long have we known each
other?
We should be on a first-name basis.
Better yet, a nickname basis, Vitamin D.
Glad to hear you say that,
'cause, um, we have a favor to ask you.
You know how Dyl--
Vitamin D has his own t-shirt business?
Oh, I should've seen this coming.
Yes, I will model for you,
but I'm gonna need to own the negatives.
Okay, great.
Also, we were kind of hoping
that Dylan could stay in the basement
with me for a little while.
He's trying to save up to build inventory,
and rent is killing him.
It feels like they're asking for money,
like, every six weeks.
I don't know, guys.
Moving in together, that's a big step.
It's just for a little while.
Please?
I guess if your mom's okay with it, I'm okay
with it.
Oh, um, and could you ask her for us?
I'll give it a shot, but it'll be the second
thing
I've talked her into this morning,
and it'll be a lot trickier now that she's
fully awake.
Hey, hon. Do you have a minute?
Just. I can't be late to work.
We are unveiling a new closet today -- the
Trulhatten.
It's Swedish, it's cheap, it's modern.
We're gonna grab IKEA by the meatballs.,
Listen, I was talking to Haley and Dylan
--
They want to know if he can stay
 Modern.Family.S07E03
in the basement for a few weeks. No, no, no.
Oh, Phil, I think that's a bad idea. No, no, please don't.
They're adults, Fine, whatever. I get it.
and Dylan really has been getting his act I'll give him some more space.
together. You could practice right now
This doesn't bother you? and take a scootch to your right.
I don't enjoy having to get Your approval What?
for everything, Who are you talking to?
but that's the deal I made. My brother.
Haley and Dylan in her bedroom. He's cute.
They're doing what they're doing. Hi, Alex's brother.
I say we be evolved about it. Hey. I'm Luke.
Fine. Who are you?
If you're really okay with our precious Brie.
daughter I live down the hall.
shacking up with her ne'er-do-well Just borrowing a dress. Thanks, Alex.
boyfriend, Mm. Bye.
so be it. Bye, Luke.
I just don't want them sneaking around like I-I lift weights!
we had to. Hey, what's up?
The scariest moment of my life Manny, you and I are going to college.
was that pantsless conversation You sure are, buddy.
I had with your dad through the dutch door. Who cares what that guidance counselor
How lazy are you? said?
If you want to talk to us, just come Look, there's a girl in my sister's dorm
downstairs. who's super into me,
Luke, I'm at college. I don't even live and she's got a hot roommate for you.
there anymore. How hot?
And... you have been missed. Use your imagination.
Whatever. I'll try mom in the car. Holy cow.
I really need to talk to her about I guess it would help take my mind off of
something. Carly.
I'm here for you. Should we talk about what color ties
What's wrong? we're gonna wear so we don't clash?
Well, okay. It's Sanjay. Click.
I feel like he's been avoiding me. Manny.
I know. He's been really distant. So, who is this Carly?
Uh, tell me all about it. Carly Stevenson. She's my cheerleader,
And don't worry. Take all the time you need. But I don't think she's too happy about it.
Well he never really texts me back anymore. What do you mean that she's your
Maybe I should confront him about it? cheerleader?
Yes! Do it! It's a football tradition.
Yeah. You know what? You are right. They pair each player with a cheerleader,
I'm totally going to call him right now, and then they're supposed to decorate the
And I'm going to tell him he can't treat locker,
me this way. bake them cookies, wear their hair the way

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1154】-

he likes it.
It's fun for everybody.
Yesterday, all the other players' lockers
looked like Mardi Gras Floats.
My locker, nothing.
Maybe your Carly's busy,
but I'm sure she's gonna do something nice
for you.
I remember my cheerleader, Donna Deritzio.
She got busy and did something nice for me,
if you catch my meaning.
Mitchell. You're the first to arrive.
Come on, I'll make you a drink.
No, Dad. I'm not here for a party.
Oh, good. I thought I forgot someone's
birthday again.
Listen, there's something I want to talk
to you about.
Um, I got an offer to handle a case,
but I'm a little worried about who it's for.
What's the matter now? Killing whales?
Drilling for oil? Child labor?
'cause let me tell you something.
I had a paper route when I was 7 years old,
and you know what it gave me?
A work ethic and a right arm like popeye.
No, Dad, it --
I'd be working for Closets, Closets,
Closets --
Next word better not be Closets.
Of course it's Closets!
Now I'm confused.
Are you talking about Closets, Closets,
Closets, Closets,
or Of Course It's Closets?
'cause Roy Carson's a straight shooter,
and poor guy has a son who's not quite
right.
Are you really making me say this again?
It's Closets, Closets --
You're not working for that
rolodex-stealing Earl Chambers!
It's just short term, a few weeks.
You know why he's doing this?!
Because I'm a good lawyer
who handled a similar case for you last
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1155】-
Modern.Family.S07E03
year.
He's doing this to mess with me!
I was referred by another lawyer.
I doubt Earl even knows about it.
That rolodex was full of A-list clients.
Your Erik Estradas, your Fran Tarkentons,
your Leslie Uggums.
I'm sorry, are these real names?
What about that probate? How did you mess
that up?
Client's dead.
Okay, this is crazy.
Why am I worried about your feelings
when you obviously have no concern for
mine?
Y-- I'm taking that job.
It's like a Hatfield working for a McCoy.
If a Hatfield ever worked for a McCoy.
Maybe it would've ended that ridiculous
family feud.
Richard Dawson!
- Also in the rolodex! - Also in the
rolodex!
Hailey did you take my phone chargne again?
What?
Do you have my charger?!
I can't hear you. Just text me.
I wish I could!
I really need you to get your own charger,
honey.
Oh, you're both in the bed together.
Dad, it's fine.
Our room is your room, Philibuster.
Thank you, Dylan.
Uh, anyway, just, uh, looking for my
charger.
Sorry, Dad, it's not here.
Guess I'll just get used to not having any
power.
Carly?
Carly?
- Carly? - Yeah?
- I thought so. - Who are you?
I am Manny's mother,
and I want to know why
you haven't done a better job at decorating

his locker.
Because it's a stupid sexist tradition.
Why don't the players decorate our lockers?
That's a very good question you should have
asked yourself
before becoming a cheerleader.
Here.
Buy yourself something pretty
and put it on my son's locker.
Mrs. Delgado-Pritchett,
May I please see you in my office?
Okay, I want a new cheerleader for Manny.
Give me this yearbook and I'm gonna pick
one for him.
No. Even if I did think that was a good idea,
I'm not gonna abuse my position of power
in the school.
You share an office with a tetherball.
You have to just let nature take its course,
just like this webcam I've been watching.
It's a live stream of wild otters.
I forget, is it the small hairy men
or the tall not hairy men?
Small hairy, but these are actual otters.
Look.
See, this mama otter just gave birth to
twins.
Now, the little one, he's struggling,
but do you see the mama doting on him?
No, you do not.
Well, if you ask me, she's being a terrible
mother.
She should be filling him with confidence
and fish like I do to Manny.
High school is difficult. It's part of the
experience.
And that's not a bad thing.
Learning how to handle disappointment
and overcoming adversity,
that's part of the reason I am where I am
today.
Chuck, no. No, no, no. There's no more room
in here.
I beg you, please!
Conference room is down there.
Oh, very nice.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1156】-
Modern.Family.S07E03
This is Mr. Chambers' office.
Oh, he's in. Let me introduce you.
Earl, am I bothering you?
Nothing's bothering me. I'm gonna be in
Time magazine.
- Closet Time. - Shut up.
- This is the attorney... - Okay. All right,
all right.
handling the Fowler case, Mitchell...
- Just call me Mitchell. - Pritchett.
Pritchett?
Mitch Pritchett.
Son of that son of a bitch Jay Pritchett?
Reporting for duty.
Don't bother unpacking that briefcase.
I cannot have a Pritchett hanging around
here.
I got too much sensitive information
your dad would love to get his hands on.
That was a takeout menu.
I don't want that man to know where I eat.
I'm just here to do a job.
I don't care what happened
between you and my dad 30 years ago.
Has it really been that long?
I was little when the whole thing started.
I used to call you Uncle Earl.
I remember that. You were a cute kid.
Hey, did you ever solve that Rubik's cube?
I got three sides.
Not bad.
What the hell? You can stay.
Maybe you working here can be the beginning
of a new chapter between our two families.
I'll tell you what, you tell your dad
if he wants to bury the hatchet, dinner's
on me.
Oh, really?
Absolutely.
I just wish my dad was as reasonable as you.
Thank you very much. Now get out of here.
I got to get my cover shot.
- You're not on the cover. - Shut up!
What are you two doing here?
Reaching out to a family member in
distress.

You sounded pretty upset yesterday.
So, you drove all the way down here?
That's so sweet.
Hey, we're here for you.
How are you feeling? What's new?
Where's your friend Brie's room?
Down the hall to the left. Just go.
Do you have a steam iron?
Because I would love to give this blazer
a --
Hi, honey.
Sorry I'm so late. Work was so crazy today.
From the moment I got there,
it was just one problem after another.
But all just closet stuff, right?
Yeah.
Listen, I want to apologize about the whole
Dylan thing.
I wasn't taking your feelings into
consideration.
I know how uncomfortable you are
with him sleeping in Haley's room, so...
I think we should reconsider.
Really?
Look at me.
This is as much your house as it is mine.
I know that.
Let's go kick him out.
Hey, guys. Can we talk for a second?
- What's up? - Actually, let's sit down.
There's something pretty important we need
to discuss.
Okay, whoa.
This is exactly how it started out
when I found out my father wasn't really
in space.
Anyway, um, after some careful
consideration...
your mother has something to say.
Claire, you're up.
That was the moment I realized
Phil wanted me to kick Dylan out
so he could be the cool one.
Well, I can be cool, too.
I'm cooler than cool. I'm frigid.
Mom, what is it?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1157】-
Modern.Family.S07E03
We were thinking about having pizza for
dinner.
Claire.
I know we had it a couple of days ago,
but I'm too tired to cook.
I'm gonna go change my clothes.
Claire, um...honey.
That was weird.
You know what's weird?
Thinking your dad's on the moon,
then seeing him working at the mall.
Claire, what was that?
I thought we were giving Dylan the boot.
Yeah, but then I suddenly realized
I'm being so unfair.
You like having Dylan here.
Yeah, but --
Honey, look at me.
This is as much your house as mine.
It is?
Now go order the pizza.
It's getting late and those two are heading
off to bed soon.
Oh, hey, Mitchell, you're in luck.
There's room for another knife in my back.
I just came here to tell you to your face
that you're wrong about Earl.
He is not that bad a guy.
I've seen him eat a panda steak.
He is a little rough around the edges,
but, look, he wants the rivalry to end.
Never!
You know, he's not the problem.
You are. You.
So blinded by pettiness.
You can't even see when a man's extending
an olive branch,
- and -- oh, my god. - What?
I just realized there are two sides to every
story,
and who am I to discount yours?
We should go inside and we should --
You were saying?
Nothing. I'm never saying anything ever
again.
Gloria?

No.
Gloria.
Yes.
Streamers, twinkle lights.
"Sexy Manny"?
I hope there's a number to a good therapist
in here.
I don't have time for this.
What is this?
Well, well, well.
Would you look at that?
I said to leave things alone, and what do
you know?
The cheerleader came through, so apology
accepted.
What are you talking about?
She did this because I scared her.
Well, whether we were both right or just
me,
the point is things worked themselves out,
so I think we can go home.
Carly, hello.
Thank you so much
for doing such a great job on Manny's
locker.
I haven't decorated it yet.
What? But then who would --
Well, I guess we'll never know, so...
Cameron.
Okay, fine, I did it.
What happened with letting mother nature
take its course
like the otters in your computer?
- The little one's dead. - What?
The mother, she did nothing
while an eagle pecked it apart.
Nature is cruel.
You decorated Manny's locker?
I decorated eight of them.
This tradition's on fumes.
All right.
So, this is it, huh?
The rat's nest.
Well, well, well, aloha, Jack Lord.
I remember you from my rolodex.
I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe I fell
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1158】-
Modern.Family.S07E03
for it.
Well, at least you finally realized
this is not some silly rivalry.
Now let me get at his cigars so I can drag
my deal across it.
Okay, I have to say,
the scotch is starting to wear off
and I'm having second thoughts about this
plan, Dad.
What's there to think about?
You take a picture of me
dragging my deal across the cigars,
we give him enough time to smoke them,
and we send the photo to Earl.
First of all, Earl will then have a picture
of you
with your pants down,
and I'll have that same picture
in my brain for the rest of my life.
Suddenly you're squeamish about seeing
another man's deal?
The man made a fool of you, Mitchell!
You're right. I'm overthinking it.
Whip it out.
Keep your deal in your pants, Pritchett!
Okay, does everybody call it a deal?
How have I never heard of this?
You've gone too far this time, Earl.
Bringing my family into this.
Yeah. How could you? I trusted you.
I defended you to my father,
and you made me look like a fool!
And all for what? Closets.
You mean the place that people start each
day,
choosing an outfit that gives them
the confidence to achieve their dreams?
Or that magical space that turns a bonus
room
into a bedroom and a house into a home?
Thanks to cheap materials,
your closets turn a house into a fire trap!
We pleaded no contest.
That is not an admission of guilt.
I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.
The hell you are! Get up! Get up!

I'll crush your skull like an egg!
And they say by the end of the semester,
we'll know how to sequence a genome.
I don't know about genomes,
but on my father's side of the family,
we do have a garden gnome.
He uses a mushroom as an umbrella.
Manny, you're up.
Can I just say it's so amazing
spending some time with you two.
I am so sick of superficial,
self-absorbed high-school girls.
Oh, my god, I hated high-school girls.
The worst are cheerleaders.
They used to make fun of me behind my back
brace.
Well, brace yourself for this.
You look hot now.
Manny, you're up.
Forgive my friend.
It's just that you two are so beautiful,
it's a little intimidating.
Okay.
College isn't going the way we thought.
Neither of us has kissed a guy since we got
here.
So...
You mean us?
- Yeah. - Now?
In accordance with campus regulations,
you have our consent.
Yes!
Thank you. I'll be right back.
Gum, gum, gum. I need gum.
I don't have any.
Thanks.
I finally got through to Sanjay.
Sounds personal.
I don't want to stick my nose into your --
He broke up with me.
He's seeing someone else.
Um, you probably want to be alone right now.
I am alone.
Come on.
You'll be okay.
That's, uh...
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1159】-
Modern.Family.S07E03
That's really all I got.
Luke, hurry up.
They're starting to come to their senses.
Go. It's fine.
I'm gonna stay with Alex.
Is there anything I can do?
I don't think so.
Okay, pray for me.
Well, there you are.
Didn't quite work out like we planned,
but I did get that staple in his head.
You have to understand I did it for the
right reasons.
I was -- I was just looking out for my
family,
but... you're my family, too.
You know what the best part of tonight was?
It wasn't just me against Earl.
It was us against him.
I liked that.
I did too. Yeah.
And I promise I will never side with anyone
else ever again.
Unless, of course, you're wrong,
'cause I still do have my principles.
Okay.
Just get out of the car.
First I have to give you this.
It's my old rolodex!
Yeah. I stole it out of his office.
But how? When?
You guys were rolling around under that
desk for about 10 minutes.
After I grabbed it, I had time to return
some e-mails.
Thank you for this.
It's a huge deal.
That word's kind of tainted for me now,
so...
You guys cold? I can turn up the heat,
get you out from underneath that blanket.
We're good, L.A.P.D.
As bad as I wanted Dylan out, I wasn't gonna
flinch.
Phil needed to do it.
He needed to be as tough as that eagle on
 Modern.Family.S07E03
the internet. Sanjay broke up with me.
Dumb otter never saw it coming. Sweetheart.
Oh, stop! That tickles! Everything will be fine.
You all right, Phil? Just go sleep with Hayley.
Yeah, just enjoying the movie.
Oh, you are? It's not even scary.
Like, that is the lamest sea monster I've
ever seen.
That's 'cause you can see it.
It is way scarier if you can only imagine
what's going on beneath the surface.
That's it! I'm done!
Haley, Dylan,
this little living arrangement of yours,
It's not working out and it's about to
change.
Dad, why are you freaking out?
Because I'm your father
and I can't have the two of you
sleeping together in the same room like
it's no big deal.
So, from now on,
you're gonna show me the respect I deserve
and sneak around behind my back.
Do what, now?
I don't understand.
Starting tonight, you're sleeping in
Alex's room,
And if there's any monkey business,
better happen after I'm asleep.
Are you serious?!
- I'm okay with that. - Me too.
I'm not okay with that.
I'm not okay with any of that.
Haley, you need to start focusing on your
job.
Dylan, you're moving out tomorrow.
End of discussion!
Sorry. I'm not the cool mom.
Not the cool mom.
Hey, guys, I tried.
Thanks.
What are you doing in my bed?!
Waiting for your dad to fall asleep.
What is going on in here?!
Alex, why are you home?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1160】-

Modern.Family.S07E04
Okay, who would hate to miss the chance of
a lifetime
by not helping me build a duck village
today?
That was some tricky wording.
That's how he gets us.
I got it -- I would not hate to miss
the chance of a lifetime by not helping you.
But only 'cause I have work.
I've got a driving lesson.
Uh, something.
Honey, you found those eggs weeks ago,
and they still haven't hatched.
Should you prepare yourself for the
possibility
that they might be...
Alligators?
- Dead. - What?!
Can you believe your sister?
Yeah, I do. They're dead.
The only thing that's dead in this kitchen
is your childlike sense of wonder.
Morning, Dunphys.
Oh, still no ducks, huh?
Fascinating creatures. I just read a book
about them.
You did?
Yes, mom. Dylan reads.
It was my nephew's book.
It was about a duck and a penguin
who go on vacation together.
You could touch the duck's fuzz.
Bloop-bloop!
That's the sound she makes when she wants
me to fast-forward.
I feel you, money.
Claire does the same thing to me.
I think it started when I was inventing that
new dental floss.
Bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop!
So, the book said ducklings imprint on
their mom
as soon as they're born.
Their brains are so small, they just latch
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-【1161】-
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on to something
and follow it around as a way to find food.
Yum.
So, Dylan, I'm building a duck village
later.
You want to help?
That's some tricky wording on that
question.
He'd love to, but he's still --
It's time! Boil some towels!
Every time I have an egg? Really?
Tucker goes deep!
Watch it.
Cam!
Hut, hut, hut! Munch, you open?
Oh, he's open!
Right there! There it is!
We have been renting the upstairs unit to
some frat boys
from Cam's old college.
They're here for some big game
and to try and get on "The Price is Right."
Unfortunately for me,
it has brought out Cam's "Bromosexual"
side.
- Epic throw, bro. - Yeah!
Actually, that is a cashmere throw,
which now has a footprint on it.
Dudes, beer pong!
Pong, pong, pong!
Beers are in the fridge, bros.
Fridge, fridge, fridge, fridge!
- No, hang on, bro. - What's up, sweetie?
Oh, look who's back.
Um, so I see that you invited your friends
again today.
Yeah, aren't they fun? And how cute is Jace?
We held hands earlier.
We were arm wrestling, but it still counts.
We found the fridge!
Yo, you did!
That's Jace.
How many S's in 'Jace'? I heard 12.
I'm just trying to make our guests feel
comfortable.
All right, let's do this!

Why is Daddy talking like that?
She crazy.
Ay, what is it?!
You can always tell when something's wrong.
What is her name?
Chelsea, the prettiest barista who's ever
served me
a double-shot half-caff caramel macchiato
with a dusting of cinnamon.
I want to talk to her,
but whenever I do, all I can say is.
Maybe you used up all your words ordering
that coffee.
Why are you so scared?
Any woman would be so lucky to look into
those beautiful eyes
and listen to that sweet voice.
- She's so -- - My show is on!
Ay, que linda...
Mariela Morales is my favorite actress,
and she's staying in a hotel in town
under the fake name Carmelita Contreras.
I am going to wait for her at the lobby,
and I know I sound like a stalker,
but -- but this is very different,
because when we meet, we're going to be best
friends.
I can already smell her hair.
Okay, commercials.
So, this is what you're going to do.
First you're gonna take me to the hotel to
meet Mariela.
I'm gonna invite her over for dinner
tonight.
She has a charity event at 5:00,
but they're not serving food.
- Stalker. - While I'm with mariela,
you're gonna go back to your coffee girl
and you're gonna give her the chance to get
to know you.
You really think I --
Commercial is over.
- This show again? - Yes.
I don't know what it is. I love this
character so much.
Who's the old crank?
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-【1162】-
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Her husband, of course.
Who's the disaster with the scarf?
Her son, Pepito.
You at least look like your guy.
- My guy -- - Can it, Pepito.
Hey, honey.
Can you read that?
- "Quack Nicholson". - Oh, good.
If I spent the whole morning painting these
tiny duck mailboxes and no one could read
them,
I'd feel pretty ridiculous.
Phil, duck feed!
Hey, that's almost my name.
Or "I'm sorry"?
You're right. I'm sorry. I'll, uh --
I'll sweep that up in a minute.
Just come over here and help dust me off.
I've got an important meeting,
And I can't go into the office covered in
flaxseed.
It's actually a proprietary blend
of oats, grub worms, and cricket parts.
- And we're dusting. - Yeah, sorry.
Yeah. You're not nervous about the meeting
today, are you?
Yeah, I am.
This is the first time I'm pitching
closet-design ideas
to my dad and his pretentious creative
team.
You mean the young guys with the walking
sticks
- at the Christmas party? - Yes.
They don't think anybody in corporate can
do what they do,
but my ideas are good.
Or they suck.
I've got it!
I'm sure your ideas are great. Stop
doubting.
The more you believe in yourself, the more
they will.
Thank you.
Hey, nerds.
Ignore this.

So, what's this super-fun project
you want me to help you with?
We are building a duck village.
Um, hey, Mom,
My driving instructor just canceled on me.
Oh, shoot, fine. Fine, I'll take you.
Oh, shoot, fine. I'll sit in the back.
No, no, no. You're gonna stay here and help
Phil.
Let's go meet your cousins.
Well, thanks, Uncle Mitch.
Yeah.
You know Luke has failed that driver's test
twice now, right?
My options today are frat house, duck
village, or car crash.
I'm feeling very comfortable with my
decision.
What are you doing with those lights?
I'm trying to get some heat on these eggs.
Due to a grocery mishap,
they spent about seven minutes in the
fridge.
So, uh, eggs he found a month ago,
building a whole village for them now...
How's everything at home? Okay?
There is some debate as to the alive-ness
of the ducklings.
But I have to say,
living with that kind of belief and
optimism,
it just rubs off on you.
I am just gonna...
This should keep my eggs warm.
You are just so quiet. What am I doing
wrong?
Nothing.
Silence makes me nervous.
Talk about something.
Tell me about your day.
Uh, okay.
Well, this morning, uh, I woke up
and almost got my nose broken by a football.
We have some frat guys staying upstairs,
and Cam hangs out with them a lot.
And you're not okay with that?
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-【1163】-
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I don't know. I-I guess.
Who cares?
Come on, let me in.
Okay, if I'm being honest,
I find Cam's behavior a little
embarrassing,
You know, with all of his "Yos" and "bros".
I mean, calm down.
You're a middle-aged gay man
who punctuates sentences with your hip.
Finally.
I know. It feels good to admit it, you know?
Go on.
You know what else is really irritating?
How needy he is with them.
Let me in.
What up, bro?
Do you seriously not know how loud you're
being?
The neighbors are complaining.
I give you guys respect, and you give me
nothing.
I mean, we -- we --
Got you!
What?
You should have seen your faces.
You were like, "What?
W-we -- we really are j-just so sorry!"
- You got us. - That was a good one, bro.
You got to do shots with us.
- Okay. - Munch, get the jaeger.
Yeah, should we serve the potion in cups
of dixie?
- Or the -- - Just get it, dude.
Yeah.
I just had the sickest idea.
Caminal should join our mission.
Who's caminal? Am I -- am I caminal?
You want -- you want me to go on a mission?
Of course! You're auto-bid, dog.
Okay, what is this mission?
This first.
Presenting Lord and Lady Jaeger.
Does this smell the way it's supposed to
smell, or...
We were low, and I had to mix.

Presenting Lord and Lady
Jaeger-Cuervo-Weiser.
Cam! Cam! Cam!
So, that's just the rough idea.
If you want to see more sketches,
just check out my ClosetCloud account.
Um, look, I know I'm just a suit in this
company,
But I've got to say, I'm a little
underwhelmed.
- I love it. - By the reaction from the rest
of you suits.
Come on, we're a family. Right?
So, honey, are we all set for our pitch with
George Ross
- this afternoon? - Yes, sir.
What did I tell you about "honey"
- Sorry. - At the office?
Okay, so, if there's nothing else --
Actually, um, if -- if you don't mind,
I'd like to show you some designs of my own.
So, corporate is pitching creative ideas
now?
I know I don't look like
I just rode to work on my skateboard.
Snap. Look at you.
But for people who are paid to think outside
the box,
you people are pretty inside the box
when it comes to the box we call the mighty
closet.
- Lights. - So I guess we're doing this.
I like to call this model the Ambassador.
After the success of our royal renaissance
series,
I thought, "Why not brushed brass for the
valet rods?"
Been done. Lights.
What? I'm, I'm sorry.
We tried it five years ago. It didn't work.
Silk shirts slip off the brass.
Okay. Well, I'm just getting started.
Lights.
This model features a hidden tilt-out
hamper.
- That's a terrific idea. - I'm glad you
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-【1164】-
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think so.
Is what Ken Sutton's boss told him
when he pitched it in 1992.
Lights.
You've got to know your history.
Honestly.
So, it's --
it's originality you're looking for.
You're not seriously coming in here,
pitching me the Tennessee slider.
Is that the best you've got?
Okay, I think we're done here.
Hey, Mom.
Oh, hi, Manny.
How did it go with your coffee girl?
Really great, actually. Yeah, I--
- You're lying. - How could you tell?
I couldn't. You just confessed.
I got up to the counter and panicked.
I bought two Christmas CDs,
a muffin I didn't need, then left.
Manny, please just talk to her.
She's like everybody else. What's wrong
with you?
Mom, I'm not you.
When I walk into a room, everyone's head
doesn't turn.
People don't laugh extra hard at my jokes.
The world is different for people like you.
Manny, but you --
I don't, really don't want to talk about
it anymore.
You better hurry. You're gonna miss your
chance.
Okay, stay right here.
I'll be right back.
Mariela! Mariela Morales!
Si?
Hola!
Ma-mariel--
Ay, what's wrong with me?
M-mariel...
Somebody order six large pizzas?
Hey, uh, somebody pay the pizza guy.
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah. We're here for the party.

We should be on the list.
Aw, yeah, my bad.
Yeah, see, for a second, I thought you guys
were just a couple Illinois douches
who thought that I'd be dumb enough
just to let you walk in --
What the hell?!
Go!
Go, go!
Meet at the rendezvous!
So, this is the post office,
cause where else are they gonna get their
"bills"?
Of course, you got to waddle past this guy
to get to the nail salon.
And word on the street is they're putting
in a CrossFit next door.
Why are these two eggs sticky?
Because the neighbor's dog is a real
slobberer,
but lucky, he's not very fast.
My teacher says that there's no such thing
as weird,
just different.
That's a lovely random thought.
I drew up plans for a Duckingham Palace,
but I can't find them,
so I guess we'll just have to "wing" it.
What the heck is that?
Oh, it's a duck call to make the ducklings
feel safe.
Should there be another adult present?
No.
But there should be a kid present.
That kid is you.
You've got your whole life to roll your
eyes.
Today isn't just about building a duck
village.
It's about building your smile.
Don't fight it.
There it is.
As you can see,
our little duck harbor has a working
lighthouse.
Wait a second, what in the world did he just
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1165】-
Modern.Family.S07E04
say?
A working lighthouse? Yes, it is working.
Pretty cool, huh?
Easy, easy, Lily.
Forget everything you've ever heard about
eggs.
They're actually quite delicate.
You've got to be very care-- son of a --
aah!
Oh, no!
Hot!
Look.
We've got a runner!
No!
Hey, good as new.
She crazy.
He makes me feel like an outsider in my own
home, and...
Now that I think about it,
ever since we started renting that upstairs
apartment...
Do we want to take this detour?
No, it's relevant. Stay with me.
It's not just the frat boys. No.
He's this way with all of our guests.
Cam doesn't change the sheets
as much as he changes his personality.
All right, ladies.
We got some steaming-hot tea,
some popping-hot biscuits.
Now, let's have a little sizzling-hot
gossip.
- Do not go in there! - Don't!
Do not open -- oh, my god!
No! Girl, do not go back in there!
I just think Cam tries too hard.
It's like he's begging to be liked.
Wait, is this a one-way street?
Oh, that's a fair question.
I don't -- I guess I could make more of an
effort with people.
I just --
It doesn't exactly come naturally to me.
- Oh, Cam! - Cam!
I couldn't even find anything to say to two
red-headed lawyers.

- I'm lost. - I know.
I'm all over the place.
I think that I'm just maybe jealous
that he can hit it off with anybody.
But I can't be mad at him for being likable.
I mean, that's one of the reasons I fell
in love with him.
Cam?
Who else would I be talking about?
No, the pizza guy with the goat
looks like Uncle Cam.
Okay, I feel like there's a story here.
Hey, honey.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, for the sake of our marriage,
I'm gonna assume that this is frat-related.
Oh, look -- the belt I got you.
Okay, pull over.
Cam, could you just stop for a second?
Come on, stop.
Look, I'm sorry.
For the past few weeks, I've been rolling
my eyes at you,
thinking that you had this pathological
need
to be liked by everyone,
but I couldn't have been more wrong.
All right? People are just drawn to you.
No, I do have a pathological need to be
liked.
- I knew it. - This is a stupid prank gone
wrong,
and I've -- I'm separated from the guys.
I wanted them to like me so much I stole
a goat.
I'm a rustler, Mitchell.
I'm a filthy rustler.
Okay, well, that seems worse to you than
it does to me.
I do it with all of our guests.
I change who I am
so they'll like me more.
- It's exhausting. - Well, then, stop.
Because you're likable enough just being
you.
I know.
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-【1166】-
Modern.Family.S07E04
And this insecurity is a part of me that
I do not love.
- Caminal! - What's up, my brothers?!
- Cam. - What is wrong with me?
Get in -- we got a goat to paint!
No, you know what, guys?
This isn't right.
This is not who I am.
So I'm gonna take the goat back,
and if you were ever truly my friend, you'll
understand.
You both suck!
You suck.
All right, come on.
Okay, I'll -- I'll put her in back,
and, um, don't worry -- she's really
friendly.
I ain't afraid of no goats.
Okay, send me the contracts.
I never could resist a pretty face.
Stop it, George. I'm married.
I'm gonna run to the men's room.
So, everything all right? You've barely
said a word.
Well, it's not like you needed my help,
and I think I embarrassed myself enough for
one day.
Look, I might have been too hard on you
before.
I'm just tired of everyone
always pitching me their closet ideas.
If I had a nickel for every time someone
came to me
with "the next great closet",
I'd have a Pegasus series split-level
walk-in full of nickels.
But, Dad, I'm in the biz.
I should have known that those are old
design ideas.
No one nails it on the first try.
Hell, I once pitched a clamshell shoe
container
with a living hinge.
- No. - I was young.
Keep with it.
You'll get there eventually.
 Modern.Family.S07E04
Thanks. You're the most confident woman in the
We all set? world,
Let me settle up. and if someone like you can be human,
Thanks, Dad. then I don't have to feel bad about
Pretty exciting lunch, huh? chickening out with girls.
The same caesar salad, You know who else is human? Chelsea.
the same closets I order every year. So why do you feel so intimidated by her?
Yeah, but you're happy with them, right? Go. Go over there.
They're closets. There's no time.
I-if you're ever looking to expand your She gets off at 5:00 on saturday
horizons a little, so that she can pick up her dry cleaning
I have some design ideas that are fresh of and make 6:00 yoga.
the drawing board. Stalker.
I'm sorry. Oh, gosh. Call her.
That's my husband's birdseed. Really?
I'd love to give you a look-see here. Yes. You can do it.
I'll take care of this. Okay.
Heavens. Hi, Chelsea?
"Duckingham palace"? I was in earlier, wearing the green jacket
Oh, no, no. No, no, sorry. that's louder than that guy laughing at his
Those are the wrong ones. own screenplay?
Um, wrong plans. She's laughing!
I've got other ones, and they're -- they're I would like to take you out for coffee
super. sometime,
oh, gosh. maybe at a place you don't have to make it?
Oh, my god. What -- it's -- it's on my head, Great. O-okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
right? Bye.
It's on my head. Okay. She said yes.
- God. Okay. I know it's in here. It's in Of course she did.
here. - Oh, my god. I'm so proud of you.
Okay. Okay. You see, that's what it is to be a confident
Oh, it's in my shirt. person.
- I was gone for 30 seconds. - Dad, Dad! And you got all of it from your mother.
Well, that was forever. Mam -- ay!
I'm so embarrassed. Ay, what's her name?!
I've never freaked out like that. What size tubing would I need
How bad was it? for three ducklings to slide through?
I mean... Cost is no ob-- where are you going?
I'm so sorry that I gave you such a hard To the back to check on it? Thank you so
time much!
about not talking to Chelsea. Well, look at you playing with rocks just
Actually, you kind of helped me out. like a real kid.
How? Yep.
Seeing you fall apart like that... Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay.
stutter, twitch, and babble -- I feel bad leaving them alone.
Okay, bloop-bloop. Probably safer that way.

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-【1167】-
 Modern.Family.S07E04
I know people think I'm crazy. when we dressed as froot loops and start
It's just more fun believing even when no pecking.
one else does. I'm using a fork.
Anyone can be a doubter. Steady hands, Claire, please.
Did I ever tell you how I got them? I've seen you play "Operation".
No, but I, uh... Oh, it's hatched!
I found them abandoned in someone's yard, It's so cute.
the poor things. Oh, it's so cute!
No mother. I can't believe I'm missing this!
No one to take care of them. Hey, buddy!
So, they're orphans? We're telling people I was there!
Where did their mother go? I think another one's hatching.
I don't know. What?! I'm sorry, Lily.
I know I'm all they have now. Speed bump in three, two...
- Hello. - Hey, honey. Oh, my god, all three?!
- Can I ask you a tiny little favor? - Okay. That's amazing!
Can you rotate the eggs 90 degrees, - Lily, take a picture! - Yep.
clockwise? Here.
No, Phil, I can't. I can't. Hi, buddy.
I am tired, and I am sweaty, Okay, ready?
and as much as I have tried to stay positive One, two --
like you all day, Hold up, hold up.
I think sometimes we need to just face He's in my shirt.
certain facts Another bird in my shirt.
like corporate people are not creative, Got it.
and ducks that haven't hatched in a month I'm going to bed. Good night, sweetie.
might never. Good night. Wait. You know what?
Just turn the eggs, lady! I was just thinking,
You know what? if those duck eggs were still viable...
Kind of done with birds for the day. Maybe we should find out if you've got
Oh, my god, Phil. one or two fighters left in there, too.
- I think it's hatching. - Wait, what? No, thank you.
Are you sure? I'm done with little ones running around
What -- what do I do? the house.
Okay, uh, stay calm. Stay.
I-I'll talk you through the labor. Oh, I said stay.
They're coming, Lily! The ducks imprinted on Claire.
Okay, Claire -- tell me what you see! It's n-not a big deal.
Oh, God. I think I see a beak. Come on, guys.
Well, the good news is we're not breach. She said stay!
It looks like it's struggling to break Come on.
through.
Okay, if you are concerned about
traumatizing him,
strap on that toucan beak I wore last
Halloween

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1168】-

Modern.Family.S07E05
Honey, would you buy a closet called --
I am waiting to see if I get to go tomorrow.
Jury duty. You know, you can just throw that
away.
There's no way they can ever tell you got
it.
Jay, you're a bad American.
It is a privilege to serve on a jury.
For the first time, I get to be part of it.
Talk to me when you're eating
a tuna sandwich out of a machine.
Anyway, it's a distressed-oak model that
I like to call --
Wait, wait! Wait!
I'm in!
8:00 a.m. tomorrow. Parking structure "C"!
You're excited about a parking structure?
It's not even "A" or "B."
You're gonna have to take my place working
at Joe's school.
I can't do that. I have a job.
Have Claire cover for you.
She knows how to yell at people and read
the newspaper.
What the hell's wrong with that school?
Aren't we paying them so we don't have to
take care of our kid?
That's not the way it works at the learning
barn.
You know that they want the parents to be
involved
so that they can bond with the kids.
What's wrong with schools today?
I'm successful,
and I had a nun with a mustache.
Well, you better get used to going there,
Because if I get put into a murder trial,
I could be gone for weeks.
Maybe I should tell them
that I have experience on a firing squad.
Why do you say crazy stuff like that?
Now, that isn't true, is it?
Wait a second.
That new closet, what did I say it was
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1169】-
Modern.Family.S07E05
called?
You never said.
Damn it!
That's why I need a grease pencil in the
shower.
Oh, I don't know, Haley.
I mean, he is really cute and really smart
and really funny,
But, oh, he's always wearing clogs.
No, no.
If he is not a chef, a nurse, or a tulip
salesman,
you need to run.
If your mother had that attitude about a
man in clogs,
you two wouldn't have a dad.
Okay, thanks, Dad. I won't let you down.
Bye.
Guess what, guys.
I am going to be the big boss at work
tomorrow,
And coincidentally, it's take your
daughter to work day.
I'll go to work with you, Mom.
Stop trying to get out of community
service.
You need those hours to graduate.
And you're not a daughter.
Mom, Dad, sit down.
There's something I need to talk to you
about.
You're going.
So, girls, what do you say?
You know we're not 8, and I have a job.
You called in sick twice last week because
you had a zit.
I work in fashion. They told me not to come
in.
Alex, honey,
your last class tomorrow is at 10:00 a.m.,
- No, no, no, no! -So, if you hit the road
Haley, quick, close the laptop!
Until now, I was always a full-time mom,
So the girls never had a chance to see the
other side of me --
You know, powerful woman in charge.

Yeah, 'cause we never get to see your tough
side.
Come on, Daddy, we're gonna be late for your
work.
I know. I'm excited, too.
Okay, I was wrong.
The whistles aren't better outside.
Are you sure you can get all these groceries
home by yourself?
I don't know. I'm kind of scared.
I've never driven groceries home before.
Hey, you guys.
Ray-- Raymond?
Hi. Oh, it's been so long.
Yeah. Haven't seen you since, you know.
Yeah.
Raymond and J'marcus broke up three months
ago,
And they'd been together almost as long as
we have.
J'marcus got all the friends,
And Raymond got all the confidence to go
shopping in his pajamas.
You guys having a party?
- No, no. Party? - No, not a party.
Olive medley, square napkins, cracker
trio.
well, these things are just more for a --
What would you say?
Kind of like a get-together?
Get-together, get-together. It's a so no chance I could get out of this
last-minute thing.
It's no big deal.
Sounds fun.
- No, it's not gonna be fun. - No. It's
crackers.
It's supposed to rain.
I'll see you guys.
- Yes. - You, too, Raymond.
- Bye-bye. - Take care of yourself.
That was close.
I thought we were gonna have to invite him.
Raymond, you should come tonight.
Really?
It wouldn't be a get-together without
Raymond.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1170】-
Modern.Family.S07E05
- Right, Cam? - Absolutely.
Yeah. Oh, you know what? But...
I should tell you, J'marcus is gonna be
there.
So, if that's gonna be uncomfortable,
we totally understand.
No, it's fine. I'll be there.
It'll be nice to see J'marcus again.
Maybe he'll bring one of those shirtless
ab sluts
I've seen on his facebook page.
- I'll see you guys. - Yeah. Yeah, see ya.
Okay. Look forward to it.
- you, too. - Yeah.
What was I supposed to do?
I mean, he was all sad and pathetic and
broken.
Well, yes, the perfect addition to any
party.
They are gonna be at each other's throats
and ruin the whole night. Come on, Lily.
Thanks to you, we are throwing
the antisocial event of the season.
- Cam. - No, I'm late and I'd like to leave
on that.
Hi. I'm -- I'm here.
Well, this is a special treat.
I spy with my little eye a first-time
volunteer!
Gloria had jury duty,
by pretending to be racist?
Anyway, uh... what do you need?
You can set up the paints, make the kale
smoothies,
and wipe down the rabbit hutch.
On it. Margaret?
Paint, smoothies, hutch.
Got it.
Excuse me. Who's this?
That's Margaret, my assistant.
I couldn't have children.
This is not how it works with parent
volunteers.
You're already playing fast and loose
with that term "volunteer," so...what do
 Modern.Family.S07E05
you say? Thank you so much for asking.
As much as we don't like to use the word How's... how's your situation?
"No" -- You know, same old, same old.
And, by the way, if any of these little Actually, I'm glad I'm running into you
tykes start acting up, like this.
she's not afraid to get out the wooden My car just got towed,
spoon. and my wallet and cellphone were in there.
Jay, I know it's a little scary, Could you possibly lend me some money for
but you're going to have to let her go. cab fare or...
I don't want her to go. Yes.
Margaret, just go. I'll distract him. - Thanks. - Of course.
Come back. How's, uh, $40 with a little extra
Margaret, don't turn around. in case you run into trouble?
Okay, men. I want to make sure you get back to your
Gather 'round. house in, uh --
Teachable moment. Time for dinner, I hope.
Don't think of community service as a Thanks, man. You're the best.
requirement. Hey, Dad.
Think of cleaning up this park as an Oh, my god.
opportunity. Last time I saw you, you were so small.
To get hepatitis? I better run. Thanks, pal.
To make the world a better place. All right, buddy. Good to see you.
That's why I'm here. Dad.
I already did my required hours. That guy just scammed you.
That's a fancy way of saying you're a No, he didn't.
virgin. It's a classic scam.
Joke all you want, but this looks good on You pretend you know someone and then
an application to NYU borrow money.
or UCLA or KFC. Okay.
Okay, stop trash-talking and start trash Men, gather 'round. Teachable mome-- hey.
picking...up. Just -- a circle. Gather means a circle.
I-I'll get that. What did you just see?
There he is. A squirrel eating a band-aid.
You. No. You saw a man helping out a friend in
How long's it been, Mr. Real estate? need.
Well, you tell me, Mr. You. If he was your friend, what's his name?
I'm usually really good with names and That slipped my mind.
faces, Did you recognize him at all?
but I could not remember who this guy was. Gentlemen, don't be cynics like Luke.
Fortunately, I found that one perfectly Don't let your skinny jeans cut off the
worded question blood to your hearts.
can get you all the information you need. I'm with you, Phil.
How's things? I choose to believe in the goodness of men.
Good. You have a condom stuck to your shoe.
How's the beautiful wife? Defense also has no objection to juror 14.
Claire's great. Yeah. Moving on, juror 15.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1171】-

Here. Ask me anything. I am an American.
All right.
When someone hires a lawyer,
do you think they're more likely to be
guilty?
No.
Thank you.
When they play with their hair like he is,
that's when I know that they're guilty.
Your honor, we request dismissal of juror
15.
Why? I'm very good at reading people.
He is guilty.
And, by the way, so is the guy that is behind
him.
He's not even on trial.
Well, then he should be.
I don't know what you did, but you did it!
Your honor.
He's getting away.
Juror 15, you are dismissed.
Ay! No, please, your excellency.
I just want to do my part as a citizen.
Lady, you can stop acting crazy. You got
out.
Ladies, right this way. Come on in.
Oh, you're in grandpa's office?
Yeah. Of course I am.
It's no big deal. I'm in here all the time.
I mean, practically every day at
this...this point.
This is...
It's not usually such a...thing.
There we go. Have a seat.
Does that guy with the tattoos still work
on the loading docks?
When I was 15, he gave me my first catcall.
Pretty sure that was his last day.
where's Jay?
He's not here, but I'm filling in.
What can I do you for?
I'll ask him tomorrow.
Are you sure?
Men are often intimidated by a strong,
powerful woman.
Jay around?
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1172】-
Modern.Family.S07E05
No, he's not.
Oh, damn it.
Captain's chair is not empty.
I'm here. Let me help you.
- Seriously? - Seriously, huh?
Okay. Well, we need to take a delivery of
100 mirrored doors,
but warehouse one and two are both full.
Okay, I know what to do. I've got this.
Uh...
What if we move the drawers into that busted
semi
in loading dock four?
- And that works because-- - That frees up
warehouse two.
Worst-case scenario, we're a day late on
delivery.
But they'll be mad at us.
We'll give them a break off shipping?
I don't know. Maybe like --
10%! Ha.
We did it. Yeah!
Good job, team.
You see, what I did there
is I created a framework for problem
solving,
and I didn't spoon-feed them the answers.
It's just good management.
- Yeah. - That's exactly what it looked
like.
Hey, Jay, I need a decision on that -- oh,
boy.
Get back here, Dom.
What needs to be decided?
Well, we're throwing that party later for
Herm's retirement,
and Jay's just sort of the master
when it comes to picking out cakes.
Oh, I'm here. I can pick out a cake.
Ice cream cake.
I don't know about that.
It's a cake. It'll be fine.
- Okay, is there a number where I could
reach... - Just get it.
Jay?
No matter how big or small the issue,

people want their leaders to be decisive.
- Oh, definitely. - Of course.
- What flavor? - Mint chip.
- I'll come back. - I said mint chip!
Hey, Joe! You want to...
I'm like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense."
Jay, will you please put the craft table
over on the hemp rug?
No.
For a word you don't use, I'm sure hearing
it a lot.
That's the craft table.
You're holding the feelings table,
where we talk about how we feel.
Hey, Mr.Table, I feel like breaking you
over a hippie.
Well, you're the lawyer.
When can I go to jury duty again?
you know, I have no idea.
You're literally the first person who has
ever asked that.
I am so frustrated.
This reminds me when I was a little girl
in my village
and we had no power.
Oh, this is the story about the TV set
powered by the donkey, right?
No, political power.
We had no say in anything.
But now I am an American,
so I thought things were going to be
different.
I wanted to listen to testimony, look at
the evidence,
have somebody burst in with new
information.
Mitchell, guess what just happened.
You're home early.
I have a two-hour lunch Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday.
And summers off.
I'm beginning to get the low pay.
This just in.
Pepper says he's not coming if both
J'marcus and Raymond are here.
"If I wanted this much tension in a space
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1173】-
Modern.Family.S07E05
that small,
I'd go up to my mother's room."
That's not nice.
We can't afford to have another bad party.
You have to call Raymond right now and
un-invite him.
I-I can't believe you and Pepper
aren't being more compassionate about
this.
Raymond is a human being.
What is the problem with inviting Majarcus
and Roland?
They had a horrible breakup.
Months ago.
Gloria, what do you think?
I think I need to know more before I
adjudicate.
Adjudicate?
When the skies were clear and the donkey
was very strong,
we would watch "L.A. Law".
That is the mockup room.
Hey, guys.
Keep up the mocking.
It's important to keep it fun.
Look at that. The design team's having a
meeting.
What do you say we go in there
and give them a couple "Attaboys", huh?
No. No, they look really busy.
Don't be silly.
Everybody wants face time with the boss.
Mom, are you okay?
Alex, I'm fine.
- Oh, my God. - What?
Your pupil is the size of a nickel.
It looks like half of you went to a rave.
Claire, we have a storage problem.
If it's those mirrored doors, I think I
solved that one.
No, some idiot ordered Herm an ice cream
cake.
I don't think that name-calling--
wait, how is that a storage problem?
The damn thing won't fit in the freezer.
It's melting like a son of a bitch.

Well, then, um, find the smallest room
we've got
and crank the A/C full blast, hmm?
- That's a great idea. - Thank you.
Maybe later, we could turn the heat up in
the broom closet,
bake muffins.
Complete disaster.
I'm gonna say something.
You people are being ridiculous.
It's a freaking mint chip cake.
Mint chip?
Yeah, mint chip.
You're gonna love it.
And if it's melting, so what?
We move the party up a little.
In fact, why don't you tell everybody
to be in the mill in 10 minutes.
But Jay's not here.
Yeah, who will give Herm's farewell speech?
I will.
Give him the best farewell speech Herm has
ever heard.
Mom, are you sure you're up for this?
Yeah, you look a little loopy.
You know what? I'll be fine.
Just as soon as I figure out who Herm is.
Keep it up, gentlemen.
Hey, dad, remember that time you were
getting ripped off?
You're still on this.
I took a picture of the guy and sent it to
mom.
She swears she's never seen him before in
her life.
Your mom could say that
about anyone she met at a party with an open
bar.
Sounds like someone could use another
teachable moment.
- I'm good, Dad. - Men, gather 'round.
Teachable mo-- mother of...
Luke here still thinks I got ripped off,
but if that guy wasn't legit,
how did he know that Luke was my son?
Because I called you Dad.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1174】-
Modern.Family.S07E05
But how did he know that you used to be
small?
I get the problem with that one.
Phil, don't give in to his hipster
cynicism.
I admire your childlike faith in people.
And, Luke, answer me this.
If this guy is such a con man,
how did he know your dad was Mr. Real
Estate?
Boom!
Someone give this kid a mic to drop.,
You got me.
I'm actually feeling a little dizzy because
of that.
My whole world view has been rocked.
I'm just gonna sit down before I pass out.
Pretty smug for a guy sitting on pigeon
droppings.
Totally worth it.
I was standing outside feeling sorry for
myself.
*Larry the lonely leopard*
*Couldn't change his spots*
*But once he put his smile on*
*Look at all the friends he's got*
Then I realized I was Larry the lonely
leopard.
I just needed to put my smile on.
That song works on so many levels.
Hi, gang. I'm Joe's Dad.
Anybody want to hear a story?
- That's a great idea, Jay! - Okay.
This one's called "The teeny tiny house".
"In a teeny tiny town...
"On a teeny tiny block,"
"Stood a teeny tiny house with a teeny tiny
--"
You're old.
You seen my wife, Big Ears?
After that, Big Ears' parents and I
had to spend a little time at the feelings
table.
Let me see if I'm understanding this.
So, you have known Radar longer,
but Jemima is the fun one.

Yes, and kudos for really zeroing in on
those names.
Come on. Raymond's fun.
Name one fun thing he does.
One -- so many things.
Okay, this, he does this thing
where he imitates his parents' answering
machine.
It's hilarious. It kills every time.
- And it's J'marcus. - Damn it.
Mitchell, why is this Raymond so important
to you?
What is it that you're not telling us?
Nothing.
Isn't it true that you have feelings for
him?
No.
Admit it. You have a crush on him.
I don't.
You love him. You want to be with him.
And you won't stop until Cameron is out of
the picture.
Okay, okay, you're -- you're crazy.
- Then why? - Be--
Because I am Raymond.
What?
Yeah, if -- if we ever broke up,
all of our friends would pick you,
and I'd be the one who's left behind.
Honey, that's not true.
I would make them invite you to stuff.
He's lying. I can tell from the way he's
playing with his hair.
No, I-I think you really got to it.
- Say it. Okay, fine. Cam!
Cam's the one, all right? Cam's the one I'm
worried about.
He's the one who's gonna be left behind.
I rest my case.
Well, I don't rest mine.
Why do you think I'm the one that's gonna
be left behind?
I'm the belle of the ball.
Right there -- that's the type of thing
you should let other people say.
About a woman.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1175】-
Modern.Family.S07E05
Nobody really cares about your political
rants.
Our friends don't want to hear about the
Koch Brothers.
Unless you're talking about a couple of hot
guys
in a bathroom at a nightclub.
Cam, you have no filter.
You say whatever rude thing you're
thinking,
and that ruffles feathers.
Feathers has terrible breath,
and I was the only one with the decency to
tell him.
Okay, that's it. Both of you sit down.
I have reached my decision.
Raymond is coming to the party.
It's a smart precedent to set,
because after what I heard here today,
I think there is a big chance
that both of you are going to be left out.
You know you're not under oath, right?
There he is.
How long's it been, Mr. Sport Coat?
And there it was. The ultimate teachable
moment.
I guess the answer is nothing.
Nothing separates us from animals.
Grow up, Manny. Human beings are basically
terrible.
What the hell?
There he is! Mr. Full-of-Garbage.
What are you doing?
Payback for turning a bunch of innocent
kids into cynics
by preying on my good nature and pretending
you know me!
Phil -- Dr. Monty Lemon.
I delivered Luke.
Dr. Monty Lemon was thinner, had more hair,
and was a good 15 years younger than you
-- oh.
Yeah. You're in my baby photos.
Anybody wants cake, grab a cup.
I'll have some.
It's mint chip.
 Modern.Family.S07E05
Did it. How are you?
I got Herm's personnel file, and I wrote Fine. Why?
a kickass speech. The school called,
Your eye is turning black and blue. and they said that a mean boy made fun of
Yeah, and -- and what happened to your hand? you.
Nothing. He can probably hear us from here.
I just gashed it trying to get into the Kid had ears bigger than Stella's.
filing cabinet. Other than that, how was it?
Nothing a stitch or two at urgent care can't Like me in the tube slide -- not a good fit.
fix. Just not my thing.
"Boss", are we gonna do this? And don't give me that business about
Oh, we're doing this. bonding,
I know it's been a tricky day, because Joe didn't even know I was there.
but I am so glad the two of you are here Well, if it makes you feel any better,
to see this. I got rejected from jury duty,
Okay, everyone, gather 'round. so you don't have to go to school anymore.
Just bring it in. Mommy! Mommy!
Let me get your attention here. How was your school day?
Mom! Mom! Best day ever 'cause Daddy was there.
Stupid ice cream cake. Really?
I'm okay. Ooh. Oh, God. Did you like Daddy being in school?
Mom, stay down. He made snacks, he read books,
No. I need this. and now I call Tommy "Big Ears."
I know you think you need to impress us, I'm glad that stuck.
but you don't. That's so nice.
You've impressed us our whole lives. Daddy, can you come back tomorrow?
And especially today. Do you really want me to come back tomorrow?
Nobody but you could put up with this much Yeah.
punishment What do you know?
and keep going. I'm a hit.
It means so much. Anyone there?
It really does, but I've got a job to do. Little help?
And I'm gonna do it. Hello?
Herm is so many things to so many people. Tommy?
To his three sons, he is a role model. Tommy.
To his wife, Dolores, he is a devoted I'm kind of stuck here.
husband. Could you go get a grown-up?
And to his six rescue beagles, he... Sorry. Can't hear you.
- Wrong Herm. - What? Really?
You're talking about Herm Anderson. With those ears?
Herm Kowalski is the one who's retiring I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.
today. What do you want?
There are two Herms? Money? I got money.
- Three. - Okay, I'm out. Go ahead, use the credit card.
Jay? You spend less than my wife.
In here with the booze.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1176】-

Modern.Family.S07E06
Come on. Why aren't they transferring to
me?
I look just like you.
Maybe I don't have the scent right.
A few weeks ago, I found a nest of duck eggs.
I, uh... I lovingly nursed them,
and then, uh, by some...sick fluke,
Claire was the only one there when the ducks
were born,
so they imprinted on her.
Oh, I didn't do it on purpose.
Then make them come back to me.
Who's calling at this hour?
Hello?
Yes?
Luke's been arrested!
Well, good morning, Leonard.
Leonar--
I know it's not my well-behaved son, Luke,
who'd never take our car out without a
license
and get arrested.
I took the car for a good reason.
Sarah Fisher's cat died, and she was
devastated,
so I thought she might make out with me.
I got caught two blocks away from her house.
Everyone is having great luck with girls
except for me.
And I mean everyone.
When is a tuba-strap rash not a tuba-strap
rash?
When it's hickeys.
You know, we're gonna have to ground you,
Oh, we're doing way more than that.
Landon has a $300 fine to work off.
We could fight that -- say the cop was
racist.
Even if we lose, it'll start a
conversation.
You made a mistake, you pay the
consequences, Levon.
Your first job is cleaning out
the awesome village I built for my ducks.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1177】-
Modern.Family.S07E06
Aren't they mom's ducks?
Do you really want to test me right now?!
Well, you, sir, take your time deciding.
We'll be here just as sure as a coonhound
takes a summer nap in the shade of a
Chifferobe.
Okay, now you're just randomly throwing
words together
from "To Kill a Mockingbird."
It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm,
or what we're calling...
Tomatogeddon.
So they made an extra-large batch of
Tucker's Famous,
and we're selling it at the farmers'
market.
Now, when you say "Famous" --
it's known Missouri-wide.
A death-row inmate requested it for his
last meal.
Well, at least I'm trying to sell.
What is going on?
After buying whatever they're selling,
I'm guessing people are plum out of
spending money.
Wait. No.
It's Andrew and Simon.
Thank you.
- Hello. - Oh, hello!
Here to try our hand-caught artisanal trout
jerky?
- No. - It's selling like hotcakes.
Actually, better.
See the vegan hotcakes stand?
Next to the bespoke honey stall.
We should be careful. This market might be
a trick
to get a whole bunch of white people
together in one spot.
I'm actually glad you're here.
We're looking for a new senior associate,
and I was gonna call you.
Call me what? A has-been?
"Mitch ado about nothing"?
Why am I doing your work for you?
Look, on a social level, I find you

hopeless,
But I always thought you were a good lawyer
--
Maybe a great one at the right firm.
Honey, did you bring the other cash box?
This one's filled up.
Think about it.
Come on, Joe!
I don't want to learn!
But you have to learn!
And it's so easy.
Look, first, you make the little man,
then you tie the rope around its throat --
No!
Joe, don't worry about tying your shoes.
That's for big boys.
Don't tell him he can't.
He can't, but he'll be fine --
kid has thick, beautiful hair.
- Can I get back to work now? - You're
working?
But it's not between 10:00 and 2:00,
Monday through Thursday.
Well, I wasn't gonna tell you guys,
'cause I knew you'd make a big fuss,
but the chamber of commerce is giving me
a titans of industry award.
They asked me to make a video for the
ceremony
about what drives me.
After 30 years
and over a hundred thousand hanger rods
installed,
some people would kick back and relax.
Not me. I'm Jay Pritchett.
Pritchett's closets.
Slow down!
How many closets do you need?
Yeah. I can handle that.
- It's great. - I'm starting over.
- Why? - You guys were bored,
and the video obviously doesn't capture my
essence.
You think that fellow titan Ed Fisk, the
lion of linoleum,
would make that mistake?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1178】-
Modern.Family.S07E06
How big is this event?
Is there going to be a red carpet?
No, but Red Murtaugh, of Red's carpets,
will be there.
I'm walking with giants, Gloria,
and that's a good way to get stepped on.
Oh, there are two over there.
Oh, good. For a second, I didn't think we
were gonna find...
Hey, isn't that Beth and Andy?
Um, actually, uh, those two are better.
But all those people would be between us.
Yeah, but, you know, we spent all day
together.
- I just -- - Hey. Hey, you two.
Hey, Andy. Very cool you're not fat
anymore.
Hi! Nice to see you guys!
We really should go find seats before the
m--
Sit down, please.
Ever since Andy got engaged,
things between us have been weird.
Like "a woman with olive skin
trying to pull off red hair" weird.
I just wanted to watch the movie
and get out of there before it got awkward.
I still think about you.
Me too. But I'm with someone else now.
I made a commitment.
But do you really love her?
Zombie!
Got it!
Anyway, we should have told each other how
we felt.
Nothing? Really?
I could not get out of there fast enough.
What's the rush?
Sometimes they put a funny skit thing after
all the names.
Guys, wait up.
You want to go grab a burger and a beer next
door?
Well, I -- I definitely do.
That movie brought up so much for me.
Plus, I got to take my pill with food.

- Yeah, I'm not so sure -- - You're coming.
Maybe if you're there,
he won't try and do his adorable British
character
for the hostess.
Will you put this in my veggie burger
and not tell me where it is?
Hey, Lloyd, it's your dad, A.K.A. your
worst nightmare.
Just reminding you the duck village
needs to be clean enough to eat off of.
You hear me? You better not have.
You're not allowed to use your phone.
Yep, I'm everywhere.
You think maybe you're being a bit hard on
Luke?
We're his parents, Claire.
It's our job to keep him off the stripper
pole.
I actually like that he's being a little
bit rebellious.
Sometimes, between the magic and the
trampolining,
I think he's getting a little... you know.
What are you trying to say, Claire?
A little...me?
There it was again,
the insinuation that I'm not dangerous
enough for her.
Apparently, she's forgotten I've been to
jail.
I once led 20 violent inmates in a
therapeutic tumbling class.
It was a huge success.
Could I have made the participation
trophies
a little less stabby?
Sure.
But overall, a huge success.
When you say you're happy about Luke being
a rebel...
Are you wearing my perfume?
It was to trick the ducks.
But like I was saying --
Hey, is that Alex?
It is. That's weird.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1179】-
Modern.Family.S07E06
She said she was gonna be at school all
weekend studying.
Hello?
Hey, honey.
I'm here, too. How are you doing, honey?
Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm doing some work.
Really busy.
Well, that's interesting, be--
Yeah, we've got a boring day ahead of us,
too.
Heading down to the impound lot to pick up
the car
because, yes, your brother got arrested
last night.
Oh! Okay. Well, that's great.
Yeah, I really got to go. I left my stuff
in the library.
And I'm really worried someone's gonna
steal my snacks.
Okay, bye!
Why did you stop me? I was gonna bust her.
What? In a little lie? I mean, come on.
She's probably visiting a friend
and she didn't want to hurt our feelings.
She barely reacted when she heard that Luke
got arrested.
She's obviously hiding something.
And now she's walking into that liquor
store.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Now, this is serious.
A college student is visiting a friend,
and they're buying beer!
Relax, Phil.
This girl has two patents.
What she needs is two parents.
Okay, my point is, it wouldn't hurt Alex
to loosen up.
I mean, I'm worried that she's getting a
little...
There it is again.
Just say it, Claire --
You like our kids running wild
'cause you're worried they're too much
like their namby-pamby dad,
Mr. Goody-goody, Mayor of vanillatown.
Is this 'cause the ducks like me better?

That is biological, and you know it.
There are videos of them online
following around a vacuum cleaner.
They're basically idiots!
Oh, my god. Hang on. She's getting into that
van.
- Oh, now we're concerned! - Yes, I'm
concerned!
That is a sketchy repair van
that is probably being driven by some
middle-aged pervert
with one long fingernail that she met
online.
Oh, my god, go! Follow them!
Thank you for lending us Manny's easel.
Did everyone love the sauce?
Well, if by "everyone" you mean a thousand
bees
and a pony that escaped from the riding
circle, yeah.
Oh, no --
Is this video wills where you make us
compete
in a scavenger hunt for your inheritance?
No. It's the video for my Titan award. I
told you about it.
I'm trying to project strength and
confidence.
Maybe you should lose
the Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug on the
mantel.
Good catch.
I've waited my whole life to hear you say
those words.
- Want to help me out here? - Yeah.
I needed the distraction.
I had spent enough of my day
obsessing over Simon's job offer.
Plus, I don't know --
seeing my big, strong dad
reach out to me in a vulnerable way,
it was -- it was kind of touching.
The red button! How do you not see it?!
Before you got here, I was turning it on
with a broom!
Now just -- forget it. Let's get lunch.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1180】-
Modern.Family.S07E06
If I could just -- - Come with me!
Okay, hold the sauce in your mouth, swirl
it around --
really coat your tongue. Now swallow.
- Right? - Much better.
Okay, Jay, what you're gonna want to do
is hold the sauce in your mouth, sw--
I know how eating works.
- Not too shabby. - Thank you.
You know who else makes a mean sauce is
Gloria's dead aunt.
Oh, there it is right there.
Try some. I'm telling you, it's
life-changing.
I don't think we really need two sauces.
And sometimes, when you have sauces from
--
Now you eat.
Oh, my god. That is amazing.
It's a secret recipe
that has been in my family for generations.
Was your sauce buried in a local time
capsule
during the bicentennial? Because mine was.
My great-aunt Miranda was the only one that
could make it,
and because I was the oldest girl
that didn't marry a Peruvian,
the recipe passed down to me.
- Sauce me. - Right.
Ay, I don't have many things
that remind me of Colombia here in the
house,
but now I do.
Legend has it our sauce was so secret,
it was only written down one place.
We grew up eating this every Sunday,
and now Manny and Joe will, too.
It was tattooed backwards on a lame stable
boy.
You could only read it in a mirror.
Mm, can I see that recipe?
Uh, uh, well, I think it's a little bit rude
to read --
Ay! You bumped my hand!
You've ruined it! No!
 Modern.Family.S07E06
No, no! I can dry it! I can dry it! Red Murtaugh.
No, now the ink's running. Cam! The man's hilarious.
No, and now you have ruined my You've seen him be that baby in his ads.
great-uncle's napkins! Just so you know,
It's okay, does everything at this table the camera only has 11 hours of battery,
have meaning? so...
Hey, sorry I'm late. Let's see what we've got.
My new lady, Rachel, needed help Yep.
picking a pair of shorts to make her stepdad Why do I look so pale and sweaty?
mad. Oh, well, you're old and Irish.
I wonder what's more of a "Screw you" -- Gloria, again, I just want to say that I'm--
you telling me that story or that the ducks You're sorry? You told me.
now stare at me Yes, and, uh -- excuse me -- that it was
while they slowly go to the bathroom? an accident.
Didn't you guys have three ducks? Was it?
Yeah -- one, two... Yes, of course.
Oh, no. I think. I -- I don't know.
Dude! you have destroyed my children's
No, no, no, no, no, no! connection to their past,
Where did he go? and you might have done it on purpose?
Hey, look, there's a duck-call app we can I'm sorry.
use. Andrew humiliated me today at the farmers'
Oh, crap. Not her. market,
What happened with this one? and I've always been sauce-competitive...
Well, I was seeing her for a while, Look, just let me help you re-create it.
then she pulled her shade down. I saw my aunt make it once when I was 8 years
Classy. Get ready. old.
Scatter! You think I'm going to remember--
What the hell are you doing? - Cilantro! - What?
Are you taking pictures of me sleeping in That car backfiring, it sounded like
a bikini? gunshots.
No! I was just trying to lure that little I remember when I was a little girl in my
duckling aunt's kitchen,
back into my friend's yard. and she started chopping the cilantro
Oh, my God! really loud
- It's so cute! - Thank you. so that we couldn't hear the noise.
You're adorable for looking after him. Yes, okay. Well, what else do you remember?
Hey, you know, I think I've seen you around Well, nothing, Cam. It was 30 years ago.
school before. No, the recipe is inside you! It just needs
- I'm Tammy. - Manny. to come out!
You have got to be kidding me. Mommy, I found it.
What drives Jay Pritchett? - Lemon juice! - What?
A desire never to repeat himself. Oh, see? I told you it's just a matter of
Let me do that again. time!
What drives Jay Pritchett? An Audi. Capers, Jalapeno,
I'm gonna start with a joke? I'm following and a dash of black pepper!

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1181】-

It's just so sad.
The guy decides to spend the rest of his
life
with some zombie he doesn't love.
Your table is ready.
Smashing! A bucket of chips--
We're not doing that.
Okay.
Hey, um, real quick--
why wasn't it more uncomfortable
for you to watch that movie?
Right. Because zombies killed my parents.
Oh, never mind.
I forgot you can't have an adult
conversation.
No, okay, yes.
If -- if we would have watched that movie
a few months ago,
it would have been really weird, but...
we're all good now, right?
Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I am good.
Dylan and I picked up right where we left
off.
I was just checking on you.
Cause for a while there, you were getting
a little, uh...
Yeah.
Beth stood by me.
Well, you know, as close as she could.
That's when I knew I was with the right
person.
And -- and don't get me wrong --
I was -- I was pretty hung up on you.
But once I got it down to only one woman
in my head,
I saw Beth in a whole new way,
and we were able to move forward.
That makes sense.
I'm happy for you.
Look at us, brother and sister,
separated from our mum...
Oh, you're so good at that.
Hey, what do you think about
inviting Haley and Dylan to the wedding?
I love that idea.
And I love you for having it.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1182】-
Modern.Family.S07E06
Why do you think people stopped saying
"Coinkydink"?
Dylan, um...
Oh, God.
You're breaking up with me again, aren't
you?
I'm sorry. I just -- I --
I feel like Andy and Beth
and everyone in the world are moving
forward,
and we're moving backward.
Actually, we're stopping,
because I want to get out of the car.
- Dylan-- - Stop!
I'm tired of being jerked around.
Now I'm moving forward, too.
Can't you at least call an Uber?
You know they banned me for talking too much
to the drivers!
She's still not answering. I can't believe
we lost them.
We're almost home. I can track her phone
from the computer.
"I hope you can track her phone
better than you tracked that van."
I'm sorry, Claire. Just because I'm 1/64th
Cherokee,,
it doesn't make me a natural tracker.
You realize I'm not participating in this.
Well, you made it pretty clear it was my
fault we lost them
due to my less-than-manly driving.
- Oh, my God. - Yes, this again.
I'm not letting it go till you admit that
you wish I was a --
Phil, it's the van!
- In my own house?! - Oh, no!
- Okay, now, hang on. - Don't hold me back,
claire!
I may be one 1/64th Cherokee,
but I'm also 63/64ths crazy white guy!
Where is he?!
- Are you okay? - What are you talking
about?
- Are you okay? -I-I-I'm fine.
- No, I'm sorry! I-I -- - You are now!

Reuben?
Oh, my God! I killed Reuben!
Oh, babe?
What's going on? That's blood.
In my defense, I didn't think anyone would
ever find out.
Stay with me, Reuben!
Okay, so Reuben is the one who picked you
up in the van?
Yes, it was his dad's -- oh, my god!
Have you been following me?
He's coming to. He's gonna be fine.
No! No!
Don't try and make this our fault.
You are the one who went to the liquor store
and bought - what?
Ice.
Reuben sprained his hamstring today while
playing Quidditch.
Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but
Reuben?
- We're in love. - Oh, shut up.
No, no, no, keep talking!
Remember what happened when you tripped and
fell
right before we got here?
You know what? Caltech is hard.
Between all the geniuses and breaking up
with Sanjay,
I just wanted something comfortable,
even if it is a wormy little dork that
worships me.
Oh, honey, I understand.
Oh, like mother, like daughter, I guess.
Okay. He's gonna be fine.
Phil, come over here and talk to me for a
second.
Well, I guess we're done with my thing
already.
If I was ever stupid enough to imply, for
one second,
that you were not bad boy enough for me,
I couldn't possibly think that right now.
Because I attacked a 16-year-old?
You didn't know who was in that closet.
That's true.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1183】-
Modern.Family.S07E06
Look, he's up.
Okay, we're gonna leave the two of you
alone.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no.
Yeah, we're not gonna tell anyone about
this, right?
Forbidden love. It's -- it's hotter that
way.
Also, I -- I had a-a-a wand.
I hate myself so much.
It's good.
Of course it's good. It's -- I'm sure --
o...kay.
Oh, my gosh. It's glorious.
So much better than mine.
- Well, your sauce is -- - Is garbage!
It's mostly ketchup.
Gloria, this is what we need to be selling
at the farmers' market.
We would have them lined up clear down
past the cruelty-free beaver-milk stand.
I would crush Andrew.
I cannot go back to the farmers' market.
The year was 2011.
I had just come back from Colombia
with a box full of our family's homemade
hair relaxer,
the Colombian comb-out.
Friday, I sold 50 bottles, but Saturday...
It says on the bottle to leave it in for
three minutes!
No, it says, "Leave in for three.
Minutes later, you will look fantastic."
One, two, three, comb it out.
Ay, I see how it can be confusing.
If it's true, as many people theorize,
that stonehenge was, in fact, a druid
closet --
Mitchell.
Oh, yeah. Oh, good. We -- we got it!
What's with you?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I got this whole work thing
stressing me out.
It's your lucky day.
You have an audience with a titan of
 Modern.Family.S07E06
industry And I'm gonna go register my new firm right
without having to buy the $15-a-plate now.
dinner ticket. And I'm gonna storm out, too,
What's the issue? even though both of those things actually
Well, I got this job offer make me very happy.
at this really big firm, but, um... You want to know what drove Jay Pritchett?
I've actually, uh, been thinking about People telling me I wasn't good enough.
maybe starting my own practice. There's something about a person telling
- What's your gut tell you? - I don't know. you
I-I would like to have my own firm, but you can't do something.
that's really scary. Blood.
But this other offer is very attractive, It just lights the competitive fires...
but I'd have to report to this guy who I drives us to take risks...
hate, opens us up to new opportunities...
which, you know, might be worth it for the Oh, hey, Sarah.
job security -- I'm sorry about your cat.
- Take the offer. - Really? I heard you got arrested.
It takes a certain type of personality Everything I did, I did to prove the
to run your own thing. naysayers wrong.
You have to be a fighter. So, to everyone who didn't think I was good
Well, this is fun. enough --
You wanted my honest opinion. Look, Daddy! I tied my shoes!
No, Cam! I said no. Good job, Joe!
The polar ice caps are melting, gridlock how do you like me now?
in Washington -- Honey, I don't want to go this titans dinner
America needs to feel good again, Gloria. any more than you do,
Let them taste your sauce. but we're gonna be late.
What's happening now? Phil.
He wants me to sell my sauce at the farmers' Phil. Phil!
market, Dunphy.
but I am not interested. What is going on?
- I agree with Gloria. - Thank you so much. I'm trying to pay Luke's impound fee,
Yeah, you crashed and burned with the hair but this automated phone system
thing. doesn't understand anything I'm saying.
You need more of that humiliation? Dun-phy.
We don't know that that would happen. "Dun-fee." Yes.
Disappearing middle-class, racial No! No!
unrest... Not Bill Dunphy.
You got a nice thing going here, Gloria. We went over my first name for 20 minutes!
Enjoy it. Phil!
What? You don't think that I can do it? Phil!
No. No, he doesn't. Phil!
He thinks that he's the only business titan Phil!
in this family. Phil!
Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot do.
I have some sauce to sell.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1184】-

Modern.Family.S07E07
Well, I'm off.
While I do love our tradition
of still getting together on Saturday for
thanksgiving leftovers,
maybe next time we can order a turkey
that doesn't have its own event horizon.
Oh, well, who cares?
I know it's totally gonna slay them
in my astrophysics club.
First time anyone in that club gets slayed.
Let me give you a hug goodbye.
I cannot believe that you're already going
to college.
It seems like yesterday when you were a
little girl
reading at college level.
Check you out!
Thanks.
I have a hot study partner coming over, so
--
What are you making, my little chef?
I'm making pasghetti!
You are adorable.
I remember when I had everyone in the palm
of my hand
with a two-foot putt like "Pasghetti."
We both know you know how to say it.
Hey, guys, thanks again for helping me to
get that listing.
Cyril's house.
- Pretty sexy, huh? - Ridonk.
This place makes the playboy mansion
look like an old folks' home.
Which I guess it kind of is now.
Infinity pool, killer views,
state-of-the-art game room, home
theater...
Plus that four-person shower.
Did you know that's where Cyril met his new
husband?
Even the security code's sexy.
Literally. It spells out "Sexy" on the
keypad.
Even I think that's trying too hard,
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1185】-
Modern.Family.S07E07
and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.
And that master bathtub alone has been in
four rap videos
plus a murder re-creation on a "Dateline"
special
called "Rub-a-dub Dead."
When I was younger,
I was a little embarrassed
my dad was just a real-estate agent.
But as I got older, I realized,
Hey, he may not have the coolest job in the
world,
But he puts food on the table
and has access to a bunch of empty houses
I can sneak into."
Wow. Nice pool at the three-bedroom in
Hillgrove.
Well, looky here,
one of my kids showing interest in the
family biz.
Oh, I don't know if I'm smart enough for
that.
You have to remember so much stuff,
like when anyone's gonna be there.
That's what the datebook's for.
Plus you have to remember
all of those lock-box combinations.
I just use a very special birthday.
Houdini's.
I left my watch by Cyril's tub.
I'm usually extra careful not to leave any
trace
that I was at one of my dad's houses,
But this tub has 16 pulsating jets,
and the whole floor vibrates
with something called "Swedish Release".
It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the
driveway.
I'm so sorry, grandpa.
I have to go do this thing for work.
- Thanks. - Hold on.
No one leaves this house without a bag of
meat.
Bye, honey.
Can you believe how conscientious
our little girl has become?

Racing off to work on a Saturday.
There's a 30% chance she thinks it's
friday,
But still.
Are you still mad at me?
I lost my cool on Phil last night.
But in my defense, I had been traveling all
day,
and we had different ideas
about how we were gonna spend the evening.
Get in here right now.
Get in this tub, you dirty girl.
Oh, honey, that is so sweet,
but I've been up since 5:00 a.m.
Don't overthink it, babe. Just take the
plunge.
Oh, good, you're back.
Could you grab the underwater camera?
You're bathing with them now?
They waddled into the garage and got oil
on them.
And then when they were in here by
themselves,
all they wanted to do was horse around,
so...
I spent the morning in Berkeley
and the afternoon in Portland.
I deserve to feel clean again.
But now the nice, soothing tub
that I've been dreaming about all day
is filled with feathers and motor oil and
probably bird flu.
So, no. No. You just sit tight,
and I will use the hose in the backyard.
Could you still grab the camera?
Okay. I was harsh.
But the flight back from Portland was
rough.
The overheads were packed with foldable
bikes,
and I was sitting next to a guy using a
typewriter.
Still, Phil is really holding on to this
one.
Well, Phil's mad at me.
Come here, little girl.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1186】-
Modern.Family.S07E07
Let me give you a hug.
You're not shy with those hugs today, are
you?
- Oh, and come here. - Oh, me too?
I don't know what it is,
But I get so emotional around the holidays.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Mr. Dunphy? Is that you?
Haley?
Andy, wh-- uh, what are you doing here?
Setting up for an open house tomorrow.
What are you d--
Splish, splash, who was taking a bath?!
Me.
I snuck over last night, but the faucet
leaked,
and I guess I was so mellowed out
I forgot to drain the tub.
That's pretty darn mellowed out.
Were you burning incense?
Uh, yep. Sure was. Okay.
Well, I'll lay some towels down. You drain
the tub.
Is it stuck?
No, I'm checking my makeup in the
reflection.
Yes, it's stuck.
Here. Let me help.
No, no. I can get it.
Here. Okay.
Oh, my god.
Relax, I'm okay.
No. Isn't this the tub from the Lil Wayne
video?
I put our clothes in the dryer.
I made an executive decision --
Went with the Irish mountain dryer sheets.
What does an Irish mountain smell like?
We'll find out in 30, 35 minutes.
Hey, uh, don't tell my dad I was here, okay?
I suppose I could do you that wee favor.
Do me a second favor...
Yeah, I don't love it, either.
Hey, why were you
taking a bath over here, anyway?

Oh, I just wanted a few hours to myself.
You know, I live in my parents' basement,
I broke up with Dylan,
I was depressed about how much I ate at
Thanksgiving...
You broke up with Dylan, huh?
Yeah. Actually, it was the day
that we saw you and Beth at that movie.
You guys seemed so great together
I guess I just thought, "I want that."
I am pretty lucky.
But for what it's worth,
Beth and I are not perfect.
Things come up when you plan a wedding.
Really? There's such a thing as Mormon
drama?
There was when Beth's uncle found out
we're serving coffee at the reception.
Plus, she doesn't want me to have a bachelor
party.
At all?
It is one night before the rest of your
life.
- You should do it up. - That's what I said.
Well, to my mirror, but you're right.
I deserve one adventure before I settle
down.
Look what you did. Here.
Well, yeah, I mean, you got to do something
fun.
Um... maybe you try and fix it.
Yeah. It should be simple enough.
O...kay... I did not mean to do that.
Um, maybe try this one?
Maybe we shouldn't touch any more buttons.
Right.
Uh... what were we talking about?
Having an adventure.
Oh, God, is that my dad?
'tis a fine kettle of fish we're in!
Get in the laundry room!
and sad news from the zoo,
Chuffa the panda has suffered a m--
Stop touching stuff!
Well, you're not shy with those hugs today,
are you?
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1187】-
Modern.Family.S07E07
I don't know what it is,
but I get so emotional around the holidays.
- Oh, I get it. - I really do.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Gloria.
So, this year,
we're surprising the family with a trip to
Miami.
The travel company needs everybody's
driver's license
to book the flight.
That's where "sticky fingers" here
comes in handy.
Everybody has a bad cousin
that teaches you a few things.
Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket,
how to hot-wire a car,
how to put tacks on your shoe
when you want to throw off a-a lie-detector
test.
Which cousin was this?
I am the cousin.
Bye.
Phil, honey, remember those gutter covers
that we ordered like a year ago?
Good news.
They shipped!
That's exciting.
Please kill me if I ever find gutter covers
exciting.
I know. That marriage is staler
than a box of cupcakes at a supermodel
retreat.
Oh, hay, Phil!
Thank you again for coming!
It was our pleasure. You're always so...
generous to have us!
Ay, I'm sorry. I didn't wanted to tickle
you.
It's just that I love how this fabric feel.
What is the name of this material?
Uh...jeans.
Oh, and they feel so tight, huh?
Oh, a little holiday trick.
Keeps me from eating too much.
I think you're too tense.

What the hell is going --
- Hey, hon. - Yeah?
We didn't get much of a chance to talk
today.
How are you?
Not great.
But, honestly, I don't want to bore you.
Oh, well, at least start the story.
Okay. Um, well, I got back from Portland,
and Phil was in the bathtub with all the
ducks,
and I just completely lost it.
And, yes, I've apologized...
but he's really not letting go of it this
time.
I -- you're so strong!
Work's taking up a lot of your time, isn't
it?
You're taking his side on this?
I've been you on this.
When I was bogged down with work,
your mother and I fought all the time.
I mean, maybe not about ducks. I'm not a
weirdo.
But maybe he's mad at you because you're
not around.
But I only took like two trips.
Just 'cause you're around doesn't mean
you're around.
That's one of those loopy things mom would
say.
I used to pretend that I didn't understand
it, too,
but I did.
Why not just make some time for each other?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'll take him for a weekend up north,
huh?
- What do you think? - Sure.
Yeah. Or leave him.
You're still attractive. Worked great for
me.
I am still in shock about
the deal we got on those ice-cube trays.
I know. It's like we pulled off the great
tray robbery.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1188】-
Modern.Family.S07E07
You know, it says we're supposed to
throw them in the dishwasher,
but I'm just gonna give them a rinse.
Oh, you are so bad!
You know, since we got all of our errands
done early
and we do have a little extra time on our
hands...
and Lily's at a sleepover.
Just -- right there. A little to the right.
Right -- yeah. Perfect. Now turn.
I have been wanting to flip that mattress
for months.
I know. It feels good to get stuff done.
- Yeah, it does! - Yes!
So, other than Lily,
we have no real reason to be alive, right?
Oh, God, is that my dad?
Get in the laundry room!
And sad news from the zoo,
Chuffa the panda has suffered a m--
Stop touching stuff!
Are you sure we should be doing this?
Mitchell, we just high-fived over flipping
a mattress.
That's way sadder than Phil and Claire's
gutter covers.
Plus, Cyril won't care.
It's not like he hasn't had his fun in our
place.
- What? When? - At your birthday party.
He and Gregory were in the bathroom for like
an hour.
Oh, no. That's 'cause Gregory lost a
contact lens.
Okay, you're adorable.
All right, now, I'm gonna go make some
cocktails,
and then when that sun goes down...
you and I can get cozy in the hot tub, okay?
Ohh, I like the sound of that.
I'm gonna put on some mood music, huh?
Hey, Cam, don't they have a remote
- that controls everything? - Yeah, I think
so.
You know where he keeps that?

Well, ours is always getting buried in the
couch.
Oh, here it is.
Ooh, I like this song.
Would you like a show to go with it?
- Mitchell! - Who's Mitchell?
I'm Magic Mitch.
Welder by day...
stripper by choice.
My unwed sister is seven months pregnant.
My mother has some uterine issues
not covered by medicare.
But if you want to make it rain, I will --
Mitchell! Sweetie, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
How's the lamp? Is it okay? Does it work?
- It's fine. See? - Okay.
All right, now, come on. Let's get back on
track.
- Yes. - I'll go get the cocktails.
You make yourself comfortable.
I sure will.
Maybe something a little more lively?
It's not "Adam and Steve", damn it.
Corpses as far as the eye can see.
What you don't know about your ice-cube
tray
could kill you.
Maybe the first station.
Oh, what's happening?
Geez.
Don't worry about Claire.
You've got me all afternoon.
Honey, remember those gutter covers
that we ordered like a year ago?
Good news. They shipped!
That's exciting.
Claire's been working a lot lately,
and it's been...great.
It's given me a lot more time for "Battle
Beasts of Gar",
this massive online role-playing game.
And with Cyril's state-of-the-art gaming
system,
I've been able to take my half-dwarf,
half-ox fire mage --
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1189】-
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PyroMiniYak --
to a whole new level.
Level three!
Our guild, thugsquad,
has been trying to plan a raid against our
arch-rival guild,
led by the ruthless SexyBeast,
and I got a text saying it was finally
happening.
That is, if I could get Claire
to be okay with me disappearing for a few
hours.
Phil, honey, I want to apologize.
For what? You haven't -
been around at all. I know.
I know, and I want to make it up to you.
It was very hurtful.
Yeah. It's just sometimes I get so caught
up in work
that even when I am around, I'm not around.
So well put.
I don't want to beat you up about that.
It's healing time now.
You know, what I'd love
is a few hours at cyril's house this
afternoon.
With me?
Actually...
I was thinking about that
role-playing thing I'm into?
Phil and I have, on occasion,
adopted various alter-egos to spice up our
marriage.
Cyril's house does sound
kind of perfect for some romance.
And I like that Phil wants to move past this,
so...
Did you have a particular genre in mind
for this afternoon's game?
Yes. Medieval fantasy.
Great.
Thank you.
Oh, SexyBeast, you are gonna get so
spanked.
Refrigerator.
No, say "Fridger-frater."

But it's refrigerator.
I need you to focus, kid.
Fridger-frater -- where we keep the
sammiches.
People seem delighted by Joe. Whatever.
But I had that fetching study partner
coming over,
and I realized I could use Joe's
by-the-numbers cuteness
to my amorous advantage.
Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.
But it's sandwich.
It's like you're not even trying.
Okay, that's probably her.
L-look, just be cute, okay? For my sake.
It's like when guys use puppies to attract
girls.
- Hi, Manny. - Uh, Olive. Please come in.
That's my little brother, Joe.
Don't mind his little pot there.
Hey, what do you have in there again?
Some kind of pasta dish?
Are you a doggie?
Yeah, he's always doing adorable stuff like
that
'cause I'm his hero.
I love that.
Are you a good doggie or a bad doggie?
Oh, scary!
- Adorable. - I know.
Uh, so should we head up?
Oh, my god! Get it off me!
Uh...no! Joe! Joe!
Joe, let go!
- What are you doing? - He's biting me! Do
something!
No! Bad Joe!
- Bad Joe! - That's just making him bite
me harder!
A person is not a sammich, Joe!
Joe, what are you doing?
Joe, let go!
Did you know Phil was gonna be here?
No. I-I wear a T-shirt in the pool.
Do you think I want him to see me in the
middle of this?
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1190】-
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Go. Go.
Well, we only have one six-pack.
So, in a way, it's good all the girls said
no.
What are you doing here?
Oh, um, my S.A.T. prep group
needed a quiet place to study.
You ain't studying acting.
Okay. We don't have time for this.
- Your father -- - Everybody freeze!
Taekwondo!
Eyes on those blood bats! Let's burn 'em
down fast!
Come on, Madskillz87!
You're supposed to be on spell interrupt!
Do not let those casters get off any more
frost traps!
Lisa, looks like it's you and me on the lava
demon.
Hang tight!
Powder!
Let's send them back to hell in time for
Madskillz
to make it to his oboe lesson!
- And I thought my dad was embarrassing.
- Shut up.
Okay, let's go. Let's go.
Hello?
Is anybody here?
Drop it!
Ohh, gettin' right to it.
I like it.
Please, sir, have pity.
It's true I'm just a common thief,
but if you have mercy,
- I'll make it worth your while -- - Oh,
yes.
What medieval creature is this?
Half-man, half-robot... welder?
If you come out now, you simpering coward,
maybe I'll show you a little mercy.
Please don't hurt me! It was her idea!
I'm the one who wanted to go slow!
- Reuben? - Oh, Alex!
- Claire? - Reuben again?
He wore a batman cape to the first day of

high school!
You're really judging me right now
when you look like a hooker at comic-con?
Yes, this was a miscalculation on my part,
- and I will be getting my coat... - Claire,
- what is going on? - ...and getting out
of here as soon as I -
Luke?
Is that beer behind your back?
Get out here! You are so grounded!
Mrs. Dunphy, do you ever tutor?
Dude!
I'm just gonna grab my razor scooter and
bounce.
- Happy birth-- - Happy birth--
No, you know it's no one's birthday.
You're probably here for the same reason
as those two.
Well, technically, this is your fault,
because we were afraid our marriage
was getting as boring as yours.
Though based on her outfit,
we need to work a little harder.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
I'm the only one authorized to be here.
By sneaking in, you've disrespected me,
and violated the trust between me, my
clients,
and this sexy, sexy house.
No. No!
Great. Now Lisa's dead.
I want everybody out of here right now!
Well, at least we have our house to
ourselves still.
Does magic Mitch have another set him in?
Yeah. His grandma's built-up shoe isn't
gonna pay for itself.
Okay, we need to work on your sexy patter.
Off the lamp. Off the lamp.
Okay, before you get any stupid ideas,
Reuben and I broke in here
so I could help him with his math.
Good luck getting through to that guy.
He's clueless.
- Honey. - Yes?
I'm sorry. That -- that little outburst
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1191】-
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was mainly directed at them.
Whatever misunderstanding led to this,
I'm... happy about.
I thought you were upset
because we hadn't spent any time together.
And then you said you wanted some
role-playing fun...
Really?
Honey, I know you've been working really
hard lately,
and I-I appreciate any time I can get with
you.
- So you're not mad at me? - Silence, Elvin
harlot.
Ohh, sorry, my lord.
Didn't mean to offend.
But you have, craven wench.
And I shall mete out punishment as --
I can hear you guys giggling.
At least I have a girlfriend!
All clear.
Well, that was crazy.
My ticker hasn't gotten a workout that good
since I made the finals of that
cup-stacking competition.
Hey, should I take these robes upstairs?
I'm gonna pop mine in the washer.
I've got about three pounds of tension
sweat in here.
I, uh...
I feel kind of bad about before.
Don't. We didn't do anything.
I know. It just felt like something
could've...
- If everybody hadn't... - Yeah.
You know what it is.
- It's the house. - It's the house!
I mean, the fireplace, the music...
The crazy couch-bed.
Anyone could've gotten swept up.
- Anyone. - Anyone. Yeah.
Well, I should get going.
Yeah. Totally.
I mean, it was a fun afternoon, though.
I wanted one crazy adventure before I got
married,
 Modern.Family.S07E07
and I got one.
Good. It was fun.
I'll see you later.
Yep.
What's Joe doing in Stella's cage?
He knows what he did.
Go on, boy! Get!
Jay!
So, I was thinking,
since Miami's only a few hours away from
Colombia,
why don't we have my relatives fly to Miami
so that the whole family can be together?
Gloria, I love your family. I do.
- But -- - This is so typical.
We do everything for your family,
but when it comes to my side of the family,
then --
- We're not going to Miami. - What?
I bought everybody plane tickets to
Colombia.
Ay, Jay!
That's not what you were supposed to do!
I think you mean "You shouldn't have,"
and you're probably right.
No! I mean you shouldn't have been nice
about this at all!
You were supposed to say,
"Why can't we see your family some other
time?"
and I would say, "Like when?"
and then you would say, "Is never an
option?"
and I would say, "That's so mean, Jay
Pritchett!"
and then you would say,
"Is there a way that I can make it up to
you, Gloria?"
and then I would say, "How about if..."
If what?
Oh, no.
Hola! Hola! Hola!
Yeah. Come in, come in.
Does this feel like a short visit to you
or a long one?
The pregnant one brought a stroller.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1192】-

Modern.Family.S07E08
Welcome, everyone. I'm Dr. Debra
Radcliffe.
And today I'm going to help you clean out
your junk drawer.
Of course, I'm talking about an emotional
junk drawer
where we store all the pain, fear, anger
that shapes us.
Who would like to share why they're here?
This one didn't have her glasses at the
high-school auction.
Thought she was bidding on a home
organizer.
And what a lucky mistake.
In Colombia, we never get to do things like
this.
The only time that I ever went to a seminar
was how to escape the trunk of a car
when your hands are tied behind your back.
All right, everybody. On your feet.
Okay. You know, I-I sort of thought
- this was a "sit here and listen" kind of
a thing. - Yeah.
Or as I call it, marriage.
Where's my husbands at?
It's good to laugh at what makes us most
uncomfortable.
But the next three hours will require
active participation.
Let's clear a little space for ourselves.
You said this was a 45-minute talk.
So what? I was wrong.
What, is there a place that you'd rather
be
than connecting with your family?
You're really asking this question on
Football Sunday?
All these men here gave up their football
today.
Thank you, Mitchell, for your sacrifice.
Hey, you know what? I'm missing a farmer's
market to be here,
so...yeah, I just made it gayer.
It's perfectly normal to resist opening
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1193】-
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your emotional junk drawer.
I address that in chapter one -- "Hey, get
a handle on it".
Why don't we start with a fun activity to
loosen everyone up?
I don't care how loose we get, I'm not
spilling my guts
to some table lamp pretending it's my
mother.
And I won't ask you to, Jay.
That kind of silliness gives therapy a bad
name.
We are going to play a game called Tiger,
Rock star, Bunny.
I got this.
Uh, marry the tiger, kill the bunny?,
That's not my game.
When I call out tiger,
you will become a ferocious tiger.
When I call out rock star,
You will be... a major rocker.
And when I call out bunny, you will be --
Halfway home. Goodbye.
Oh, yeah, go ahead,
but don't forget that we don't have a
prenup.
Let's get started.
Tiger!
Feel ridiculous. I might need booze for
this.
Oh, me likey that idea.
We are not cut out for this.
You can't compare yourself to me.
I was in "Cats".
No one's comparing themselves to you, Cam.
Rock star.
Looking good, Phil.
I won an air-guitar contest in high school.
Bet that got you a lot of air girlfriends.
Come on, Jay. Loosen up. It's fun.
What the hell is that, dad?
Playing an accordion.
Supposed to be a rock star.
I think you should do, like, a guitar or
something.
I only know how to play the accordion.

Pick on Mitchell. He's playing a flute.
At least I hope he is.
So, why did they need you out of the house?
They said it was some sort of therapy,
but part of me thinks it's an intervention
for Mom.
So, how's school?
Well, in my newtonian mechanics class,
we're learning how to calculate
the velocity of free falling objects in
a...
School's hard.
So, anyways, um...
I sort of did something and I need your
advice,
but I don't want a lot of judgment and
criticism.
And you came to me?
Yeah, you've always had such a strong sense
of what's right and wrong.
- You always know what-- - I have a
high-school boy toy.
What?! Who?
It's Luke's dorky friend Reuben.
I feel so ashamed.
Oh, my God. You should be. Isn't he, like,
8?
No, he's 16 and 3/4,
and he has to shave almost every two weeks.
How did you let this happen? You go to
Caltech.
You're surrounded by age-appropriate
dorks.
I know, but I was home and still feeling
sad
about Sanjay breaking up with me,
and it's overwhelming here.
There are so many brilliant people,
and Reuben idolizes me.
I guess I just kind of needed that,
so I let him kiss me...
and a little bit of this.
I'm so weak. I can't imagine anything
worse.
I hooked up with Andy.
What?!
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1194】-
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Engaged Andy?
I know. We were all alone at this house
that dad had set up to be sexy--
Dad made it sexy for you?!
No, no, for the buyer, but Andy and I were
alone,
a-and suddenly...bam.
Bam?
"Bam" as in sex
or "Bam" as in what Reuben shouted when he
unhooked my bra?
Let's just leave it at "Bam."
Look at us.
I don't even know what to feel right now.
Shame, guilt, fear.
These are just some of the things
we shoved in the back of our junk drawers
when we were young.
This exercise comes from chapter three,
"Scary dreams, expired creams".
Oh, I have both of those.
This may seem unconventional,
but it helps access painful memories...
This is nice.
No, it's not. It's weird.
You're so tense today, my little baby.
What are you worried about?
Us looking like idiots.
What? We're superstars here.
Married the longest, three happy children,
one with a bright future.
You're right.
We're gonna win this thing.
It's not a competition.
Exactly. We have this in the bag.
Mitchell and Cam fall apart
if they've got to pick a restaurant,
and all Gloria ever does is yell at my dad.
Yeah, I'd really hate to be your dad right
now.
Now, tell me everything that you're
thinking.
I'm thinking about all that other stuff we
could've bid on
at that auction instead of this nonsense.
Lunch with Larry King. A ride along in a

cop car.
I heard they let you tase someone.
Jay, this is important.
Dr. Debra said that this is good for us.
Now close your eyes.
Why should I close my eyes?
Because I don't like you looking up at my
neck like that.
The other day, I took a selfie from down
there
and I thought that I was face timing with
my grandmother.
I wemember my mom went into the store
and left me all alone in the back of a twuck.
Okay, do you have to do the baby talk?
I couldn't pronounce my R's when I was
younger
and the other children made fun of me,
Mitchell.
It was very twaumatic.
Mom? Mommy? Where are you?
All right, I'm -- I'm starting to lose
feeling.
Oh, am I squishing your legs?
No, I meant in our relationship.
All right, we need a game plan here.
My dad and sister are here.
Let's keep a low profile -- light and
surfacy.
But aren't we wasting a great opportunity
to learn more about me?
We are not gonna be the sideshow gay couple.
Okay, nothing too personal.
For god's sake, no bedroom stuff.
We're representing a community.
And how are you two doing here?
We're very good, very healthy.
- Very happy. - Yes.
Cam, would you like to switch positions?
I'm not allowed to talk about that.
How's it going here with you two?
Not good. He's not even trying.
Sounds like you're stuck in that drawer.
Sounds like you're stuck in that metaphor.
What's holding you back, Jay?
I don't like to be held like this.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1195】-
Modern.Family.S07E08
Why? 'cause you feel vulnerable?
I don't know.
It just... reminds me of something.
Go with that. You're safe here.
I don't want to be safe here.
I don't want to talk about this.
About what? Tell me.
It's like the time my mom held me like this
when my dog ran away and never came back.
She kept telling me they didn't know how
it got out,
but I knew.
I left the gate open. It was my fault.
I lost checkers.
I can't take this.
Wait, what -- what just happened?
I don't know. I think he's not used to
feeling emotions.
Maybe it was too much for him.
No, no, this is good.
Some people's junk drawers are so full,
it's a struggle to open them.
W-was he holding his chest?
- Se. - Something seemed wong.
Jay, are you okay? It's Gloria.
Dad. Dad, come on.
Ay, it's locked.
D-dad, open up.
Hang on, I got a paperclip.
Be careful. He's very raw.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Jay!
I'm still sad.
You prefer to hide in the bathroom
than to deal with your emotions!
Gloria, what's the big deal?
The big deal is that we're raising a child
together,
and you have a chance
to make him different than those two.
- Hello. - Us?
I'm sorry. What's wrong with us?
I'd take a bullet for you,
but you two are kind of neurotic.
- We're not neurotic. - Do people say that
we're neurotic?

They don't say that, do they?
Yes. Yes.
All the junk wants to come out of the
drawer.
- Can you feel it? - I can.
No, Jay doesn't feel anything.
I feel lots of things.
Annoyed that I'm missing my game,
- joy that the Steelers are winning. - Oh,
what is the score?
We're not gonna talk about football here!
Gloria's right.
We should talk about deeper things
like those awkward years between 14 to 6.
Oh. Yes.
When do we get to talk about the dumb things
that our husbands do?
Gloria, thank you. I'm glad you said that.
You're welcome. At least somebody's
helping.
Because that kind of language is
counterproductive.
Oh, snap.
This next exercise will teach us how to
communicate our needs
in a constructive and non-threatening
manner.
We do that all the time.
Very constructively communicated.
Would one of my couples like to help me
demonstrate
for the rest of the group?
Yes, we would. We'd love to help.
- How is this low profile? - Oh, come on,
it'll fun.
- Your chair, please, Cam. - Sure.
- Face this way. - Thank you.
Now, I'd like you both to think of a
behavior
of your partner's that you would like to
change.
But we're going to avoid phrases
like "You always" and "You never",
and instead put it in terms of how we feel.
Okay.
Mitch, you'll start.
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1196】-
Modern.Family.S07E08
Okay.
Sometimes, I wish you wouldn't wear blue
so much
because I feel jealous that you look so good
in it.
Now, Cam, let Mitch know if you heard him
and if you feel you can do that.
- I did hear that. - Okay.
And I will try to wear less blue.
Very good. Very good.
Maybe dig a little deeper in the drawer.
Well, sometimes when you don't use a
coaster
with a -- a drink,
I get anxious because I love our furniture
and we bought it together.
Aww, that's very sweet. I hear that.
And I'm gonna try and use a coaster more.
Okay. Excellent, both of you.
Mitch, keep going.
Yeah, so, uh...sometimes when you leave the
room
and you don't turn off the lights, I just
feel --
Seriously? That again?
Surfacy.
Well, I told you not to harp on me about
the lights.
Oh, because this is the first time
that I'm hearing about the coasters.
Here we go.
Okay, I don't appreciate the smirking.
I hear you, Mitchell,
and I will try to smirk when you're not
looking.
I feel like if Andy weren't engaged, we'd
have a chance.
And if Reuben were just a little bit older
and didn't wear prescription shoes --
- It'd still be gross. - I know.
- What are we gonna do? - We should both
just end it.
I am not killing myself.
- No! Break up with them. Oh, God.
You deserve somebody that isn't engaged to
somebody else.

Yeah, and you deserve to be with someone
who didn't take baths with Luke.
I already tried to dump him once.
Hopefully it'll go better this time.
Look, I'm sick of hiding our love.
- If you're ashamed of me -- - I am.
- Then maybe we should break up. - We
should.
No, please don't break up with me.
You're the -- the smartest,
most beautiful girl on the planet.
Fine.
I'm gonna text Andy right now,
and tell him we need to talk today,
and you should, too.
I can't text him.
He lost his phone privileges
until he gets his Spanish grade back up,
but I'll just go hang around the playground
till his kickball practice is over.
I'm glad we talked.
Me too.
This is how we're gonna stay on track
for the rest of our lives --
by always being there for each other.
He plays kickball?
Equipment manager.
Now that we're learning to communicate
constructively,
let's put those new skills to use.
Thank you.
I want everyone to write down
everything about your partner that drives
you crazy.
Really?
The drawers are open. Dig in.
Sounds a little marriage-endy, doesn't it?
I mean, it does, but not for us.
Maybe...
Interesting.
Phil, there's nothing that bugs you about
Claire?
Nope.
Not even "Me likey"?
- What's he talking about? - I have no idea.
He says you say it a lot and it drives him
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1197】-
Modern.Family.S07E08
crazy.
Phil.
Okay, uh, Claire. Yeah.
- I love you. - I know.
But when you use that expression,
it makes me feel, um...icky.
But, I mean, I've hardly ever even used the
expression --
"Me likey sushi, me likey 'Game of
Thrones'",
"Me likey Chardonnay".
It does hit my ear wrong. But you know what?
Forget it.
I'm sorry. I got nothing to complain about.
Me lucky.
Phil, never apologize for your feelings.
I thought we're not supposed to say
"Never".
Good catch, Jay. Thank you.
As the kids say, it's going to get real up
in here,
but trust me, after that,
once I've guided you through the extremely
specific steps
in deciding what goes back in the drawer
and what gets thrown out,
you will be the best version of yourselves.
- It always works. - Don't say "Always".
Thank you.
Let's get writing.
Nothing is off-limits.
These are your private thoughts,
and you are entitled to them.
Excuse me.
You think I'm too loud?
How am I loud?
Well, you take in too much air
and you expel that air with large and sudden
bursts.
That's how.
Oh, so you're saying that I am full of hot
air?
No, I'm saying just the opposite.
None of the air stays in you.
The lights again. Now you've written it
down?

I'm trying to stick to the small stuff.
Oh, well, congratulations.
You nailed it, because that's real small.
It -- okay, it bothers me, all right?
I-I've asked you very nicely to turn off
the lights.
Constantly.
It's like we're Londoners hiding from war
planes.
Why did you write down "Teepee joke"?
Debra said these are my personal and
private thoughts.
I love that joke. I tell it all the time.
It's funny.
To you.
Okay. Listen up, guys.
This guy walks into his shrink's office and
he says,
"Doc, what's wrong with me?"
"I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam."
And the doc says,
"That's your problem. You're two tents."
Do you get it? Two tents.
That's bad, Claire. That's really bad.
You made her like that.
If you let her feel things,
maybe she'll know what is funny.
Don't care what you people think.
Me likey.
What is wrong with "Me likey"?
- Claire... - Yes.
- I love you. - Oh, then stop saying it!
- It just seems a little childish. - Really?
'Cause you're the one
who can't stop playing with his pogo stick.
You know what? Maybe you'd be happier
if you played with my pogo stick once in
a while.
Oh, my god!
What's sad is they're actually talking
about a pogo stick.
What's sad is you love electricity more
than me.
It's like we have a deranged second grader
bouncing around the neighborhood.
When did you get so old?!
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-【1198】-
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I mean, I love you!
All right, Cam,
It's been a pet peeve of mine since I was
a kid,
and I've asked you so many times that when
you ignore me,
It feels a little passive-aggressive.
And when you nag me constantly,
it feels like I'm talking to my mother.
When I have to nag you,
it makes me feel like I am your mother,
which could be why it's been a month
since we played with each other's pogo
sticks.
Oh, my god!
How do you think we feel, Mitchell?!
Miss, this is not going the way it should
be.
Why don't you tell us how to fix this?
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
No, no, no!
You have to help us put this back together!
It's a family emergency.
Trust me, it cannot be as bad as this one.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
But I have to go pick up my son
because my idiot ex-husband loaned his car
to his latest Tinder whore.
We paid good money for this.
No, it was only $84.
Excuse me?
I would've paid more, but nobody else was
bidding.
That's great.
You know what? I deserve it.
This is what you get for dumbing down 30
years of research
for a trite analogy of a junk drawer.
Just because my editor told me
it would get me on the "Ellen" Show.
You were on "Ellen"?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I danced my way into America's heart,
and that's why I'm stuck here on a Sunday
afternoon for 80 bucks.
Wait. You can't leave now.

All our junk is out!
That's a cool shirt. You look nice.
I have to cut you off right there.
The shirt stays on.
I have to hang up on this booty call.
Wait, what?
You and me, this -- this has to stop.
I'm so racked with guilt.
I keep giving money to different charities.
I even fronted a Zach Braff movie on
kickstarter.
Andy, slow down.
No, you're not gonna talk me into it.
I'm even wearing embarrassing underwear
just in case.
Oh, god, you're making this so much easier.
Look, I texted you to say the same thing.
- You did? - Yeah.
I'm trying to be a better person.
And, ironically, you're one of the reasons
why, but...
A better person does not hook up with an
engaged person.
So, what now?
I don't know.
We're still gonna see each other.
You work for, like, half my family.
Do I remove you from my calling circle?
I think that's between you and your
wireless carrier.
I guess that's that.
It's not like it's goodbye forever.
It's just...
When we run into each other from now on,
we keep our clothes on.
Yes. Totally.
But, you know...
If things were different --
I know.
Bye, Haley.
Bye.
So, that's it? It's over?
I can't believe she just left like that.
Great. Now what?
I know what you're all thinking,
and, yes, I will take over as group leader.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1199】-
Modern.Family.S07E08
No one's thinking that.
I'm the only one with improv experience.
Oh, really?
Or was I the only white member of Ha Ha
Blacksheep?
I seem to remember bringing down the
hizouse
with such classic characters as a scared
tourist,
Quarterback, and Bryant Gumbel.
I'll tag you in if I need you. All right,
everyone.
This first exercise is called entrances and
exits.
Let me go first.
I'm leaving to watch the football game.
No, senor! Jay, no.
Oh, dear god!
The only reason we stirred all this up
is 'cause Mrs. Magoo here
thought she was bidding on a home
organizer.
I knew exactly what I was doing!
I have tried everything.
I just needed a new way to get you to express
your feelings
and to allow other people to express
theirs.
I need you to be fine
with Manny dancing around the living room
when he's happy
and Joe crying when he's sad.
- You don't see the downside to all this?
- No.
Mitchell, you want to weigh in here?
We're all reliving it.
How about you two?
You feel good about getting all this stuff
out in the open?
Let me just make one thing perfectly clear.
There were two tents.
T-e-n-t-s and t-e-- you're right.
It's a horrible joke. But it's all your
fault.
I told you!
For the record, we are just as grossed out
 Modern.Family.S07E08
at the thought of you all having sex -- one of his Incredible Hulk band-aids.
That's it! I'm out! What the hell are we So, how about you? Did you do it?
doing? Yep. I sure did.
Dancing around, telling secrets like girls "Why do we choose partners so different
at a slumber party. from ourselves?
I can just imagine my old man with his It's not fate or chance
buddies or cliches like 'the heart wants what the
sitting at their lawn chairs, laughing heart wants'."
their asses off "We choose our partners because they
that I missed a whole day of football represent
'cause I'm trying to get in touch with my the unfinished business from our
emotions. childhood."
These guys didn't do that crap. These were Phil.
men! Phil.
His best friend Tommy Ryan "And we choose them
lost half a finger in a sheet metal press. because they manifest the qualities we wish
Waited until his shift ended to go to the we had."
hospital. I'm afraid I'm not fun enough for you.
I broke my collar bone in a football game. Yeah.
There was Dad up in the stands giving me My sayings aren't cute, my jokes aren't
the old "be tough." funny, and --
So I played two more downs before I passed And you're gonna get sick of me once the
out. kids leave
My date, Maryjo Klumsky, and you realize how truly crazy I am.
left the senior dance with another guy. Really?
Broke my heart. Honey, I already know how crazy you are.
2:00 A.M. at the kitchen table, my old man's "In doing so, in choosing such a
telling me, challenging partner,
"Eat the sandwich and forget about her." and working to give them what they need,
Feelings! we chart a course for our own growth."
I didn't even cry at his funeral. You Go to sleep, Jay-Jay.
believe that? I'm telling you, the woman is a genius.
The guy was my whole world. I didn't feel like going to my grandpa's
Not a tear. house that sunday,
Everybody looking at me like -- like I so I pretended to have a cold.
didn't love him. Wouldn't you know it, a few days later...
But he knew. Oh, no.
He had to know, right? Yep. I got the cold.
Of course he did. I thought it was karma, so I hopped on my
Son of a bitch, that felt good getting that bike
out. and I rode straight to my grandpa's.
I know. I climbed in his lap and I hugged him so
They just won therapy. hard.
Hey, it's me. I broke up with reuben. We even shared an ice cream cone.
I knew he'd be crushed, It's a memory I'll always cherish,
so I did it quickly like ripping off 'cause in a crazy coincidence,

第 8 页 共 9 页

-【1200】-
 Modern.Family.S07E08
he got a cold too and was dead within a week.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1201】-

Modern.Family.S07E09
Joe, you're going to see your first snow.
- It's so exciting! - I can't wait to make
a snow person!
"Person"?
We got to get him out of that hippie school.
I don't know, Jay.
Last report card, he got straight dolphins.
Christmas in Colombia was always hot and
loud,
people arguing, betrayal, schemes.
So I rented a mountain cabin for the whole
family
to celebrate my first Christmas as an
American.
I want a white christmas,
You know, like white people have.
Hey, want to hit the pipe one more time
before we get on the road?
Um, yeah. Couldn't hurt.
*Silent night*
*Holy night*
Oh, my God, we are killing it!
Last christmas, Mitchell and I thought it
would be fun
to sing a little Christmas carol for the
family.
Unfortunately, it didn't go so well
because somebody had a little too much to
drink.
Stop doing that. I was nervous.
*'tis the season to be jolly*
*Don we now our gay apparel*
Mitchell?
The family has been mocking us relentlessly
all year.
Nicknames like Screeches & Herb,
Simon & God-awful, Nickelback.
But we're gonna redeem ourselves this year.
We have been rehearsing our new number for
months,
and we will debut it at the cabin
as a special holiday "Screw you" to the
family.
Hey, Marty, listen,
第 1 页 共 7 页
-【1202】-
Modern.Family.S07E09
it's your hotel, but a walnut closet
is a place your guests want to hang their
clothes.
A particleboard closet -- they want to hang
themselves.
All this closet stuff is driving me nuts.
I want to get annoyed,
but it's hard when I feel this comfortable.
Oh, God, he's gonna talk about his new coat
again.
It's like getting a big, warm hug from a
mama sheep.
Nothing feels like pure sheepskin.
The gal at the store said
I looked like Kris Kristofferson.
We don't know who that is.
I have so much lab homework
to get done during this break.
If it were up to me,
Christmas wouldn't even come this year.
Any chance you could sound more like a
cartoon villain?
Come on, Alex, it's three solid days of
winter fun.
We're gonna go sledding, skating,
ice-fishing, make snow angels.
Who's with me?! Snow, snow!
Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow!
Snow?
No, that's a leaf.
It's hotter here than at home.
Gloria, in your little daily e-mails,
you said it was gonna be cold.
That's what my phone said.
You're on celsius.
It's going to be hot, guys!
Oh, is the furnace on?!
Phil, take off that jacket.
You're making me hot just looking at you.
Saleslady said that would happen.
Trust me, I'm cool as cucumber.
Something about the coat just knows what
my body needs.
You're sweating like a heroin addict.
Oh, hey, look, a piano.
Maybe we can get a little song from the

Crapenters.
Be cool.
Andy's fiancee, Beth, has to work,
so Gloria invited him for Christmas,
which is complicated
because we've been having sex and nobody
knows about it.
I mean, we know.
My family cannot find out about us.
I'm certainly not gonna tell them.
I still have their respect.
Andy, chop-chop. Joe's making his bathroom
face.
All right, let's just go home.
I mean, it's hot. There's no wi-fi.
Alex, stop being the grinch.
If that is the worst problem, then merry
Christmas.
Oh, thank God you made it!
I thought you'd gotten into a horrible car
accident!
Wait a second.
You're not Trip, Tad, Lois, Darcy, and
Marlene.
- No, we're other names. - Who are you?
Fig Wilson.
My family's been coming here for the
holidays for years.
We rented this cabin from the Wilsons.
- They are in Hawaii. - Nobody told me that.
Okay, well, bye-bye.
How could they abandon me?
Uh, I'm the most caring one in the family.
I warn them about cancer.
I buy their fat kids clothes in
aspirational sizes.
I invite them all to my dogs' funerals.
Last one ran straight into traffic.
I can see that.
Is it possible the invitation got lost?
I mean... you seem great.
Well, I guess I'll just get my bags and walk
down the hill.
Hopefully, I'll get to the bus station
before nightfall.
It's wolf season.
第 2 页 共 7 页
-【1203】-
Modern.Family.S07E09
Why don't you stay here with us?
It's Christmas.
First time I saw you,
I thought you were gonna be a pain in the
ass,
but it turns out you're my favorite.
What do you think's in here?
No one told you the legend of the Forgotten
Boy?
Happened right here 100 years ago.
A boy was very bad,
and his parents locked him in this secret
room
and left him here forever.
They say at night, you can hear him
trying to scratch his way out.
We got her.
Idiots.
That was you scratching, right?
Oh, sorry.
- No, you go. - No, it's okay. After you.
Here, I'll just...
Oh, why don't I go...
What are you guys doing -- having a staring
contest?
I got winners!
Later, though. Come here.
Andy...
I've got a very special present for you.
Did this guy tell you he passed his
real-estate-license test?
I know. I helped him cram.
Ah, she's really drilling me pretty hard.
Cool. Listen, when I first got into real
estate,
I worked at one of those big firms with the
blazers.
I'd rather not say their name,
but it rhymed with "Century not very fun."
Anyway, I saved this.
I'd like for you to have it.
When you wear it, remember the values of
our profession --
Trust, honor, integrity, fidelity, and
purity.
Are you worthy of the blazer, Andy?

I want to be.
I didn't expect it to hit this hard.
Me either.
Who wants eggnog?
I'll take some. I had a tough week at work.
What do you do?
Oh, my dad and I are in the closet business.
I'm sorry, it almost sounded like you said,
"Closet business".
I did -- residential and hospitality
storage solutions.
Yikes.
Hey, specks, I'm dying over there.
What are you reading?
Science stuff. I'm sure it'll bore you.
I teach astrophysics at M.I.T.
Wait a minute.
- Are you F.N. Wilson? - F-N right, I am!
We just read your essay on how solar flares
will wipe out life on earth!
Hopefully before closet lady corners me
again.
Everybody's here,
So let's just casually
make our way over to the piano.
Ooh, what are we drinking there, Miss
Scarlet?
Relax. It's hot tea for my throat.
Oh, we should have Lily film us.
Hey, Lily, come here.
Okay, so, Daddy and I are about
to sing a Christmas song, and --
I'm gonna stop you right there.
No, it's not gonna be like last year
because we're prepared and we're singing
"Silent Night".
That's my favorite. Can I sing with you?
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
I feel so lucky celebrating
with the best damn family any man could hope
for.
Dad.
- And Fig. - Hey, all!
Gloria and I have been talking about this
for a while.
What with Joe getting older,
第 3 页 共 7 页
-【1204】-
Modern.Family.S07E09
I feel it's just the right time to start
a new chapter,
which is why I've decided... to retire.
- Oh, my. - What?!
Maybe "Retired" is the wrong word --
more of a transition.
So, when people ask, "Where's Jay
Pritchett?"
you tell them, "He's transitioning".
Oay, I heard it, too.
Let's go back to retiring.
Hey, we can finally rent that R.V.
and visit all of the Major League
ballparks.
You can probably go ahead and do that alone.
Uh, anyway, I had to ask myself,
"Who's the best person to lead the
company?"
And the answer is obvious.
- Chuck Feeny. - Who?
Gutters and screen hot shot out of Chicago.
With him in charge,
we can all relax knowing that the company
is in good hands.
Claire gets a great new boss.
And you all get to spend more time with
yours truly.
Well, to this one's new boss.
Claire, that's my gesturing hand.
I need it for work.
I work 60-hour weeks so Chuck Feeny can have
the corner office and the best table at
closet con!
Honey, you need to slow down.
This coat isn't quite broken in yet.
Listen, you have every right to be mad.
Everyone knows you deserve that job.
And to think of all the weekends I worked
and the -- the family vacations we've put
off,
not to mention the stress and the insomnia
and --
Come here.
Claire, life's like a mountain road...
with a new adventure around every corner.
If that's the slogan for this stupid coat,

- I'm gonna kill you! - Shh! Get in here.
- Have you seen Claire? - No.
I told you this Chuck Feeny thing was a
terrible idea!
It's a brilliant idea.
There is no Chuck Feeny.
I made him up because of what happened to
Don McSorley
when he turned his company over to his son.
Son only took the job because he felt
obligated.
One year later, business went bankrupt.
Broke my heart to buy his entire inventory
8 cents on the dollar.
I'm doing this for Claire.
She'd do anything to make me happy,
and that's not why I want her to take the
job.
If she wants it, she'll fight for it.
If not, I just gave her an easy out.
I can think of 10 better ways to do this.
Relax. It's gonna be perfect.
She'll come to me, demand what's hers.
I'll tell her the truth, big hug, perfect
Christmas.
- I'm a genius. - You're a crazy person.
In my village, we will tie a tin can around
your neck
to know when you're coming.
*Silent night*
*Holy night*
*All is calm*
*All is bright*
*'round yon virgin mother and child*
Okay, hey, hey, I have a fun idea!
Why don't we give Lily one of her presents
right now?
That is a fun idea, Daddy.
Then she can go play with a toy
rather than being with us boring, old
adults.
How's that sound, Lily?
I feel like you're up to something, but I
don't care.
I want a present. I'll take the bike-shaped
one.
第 4 页 共 7 页
-【1205】-
Modern.Family.S07E09
Nice wrapping job, by the way.
Uh, wasn't that for Joe?
Well, Joe's getting a doll now.
Gloria asked me to get some kindling.
Why are you walking around wearing next to
nothing?
It's 26 celsius out there.
Ah, I'm not showing any skin
'cause I don't want to tempt you.
Oh, well, your gold blazer took care of
that.
- You know you're into it. - I know. Why?
Damn you and that eagle scout smile.
I want to take a swim in those big doe eyes.
This is happening.
- Getting wood, Andy? - What?!
Can you believe Gloria wants a traditional
fire?
As if it isn't hot enough in here.
Come on, bro.
Hello, Lily.
What are you wearing?
Mom made us put on our Christmas sweaters,
but look what we found.
It's a note.
"I'm hungry for the blood of a little girl."
"Signed, the forgotten boy."
This is terrifying.
It's getting real.
The scariest thing is that he spells like
a 2-year-old.
Wait, what?
Dude.
Christmas, huh?
Who the hell came up with this one?
It was Emperor Constantine.,
I love it!
It's not easy being the smartest person in
the room.
My sister thinks quantum theory is a game
show,
and my brother once tried to take his pants
off over his head.
Gals like us, we see through all the family
B.S..
We call it like we see it.
 Modern.Family.S07E09
So, if we're alone for Christmas Feeny!
and birthdays and weekends, it's their There is no Chuck Feeny!
loss. Manny, Luke, knock it off!
Gals like us we don't need anyone. No one thinks it's funny!
I'm not big on mysticism, but, clearly, Are you talking to us?
this woman was my ghost of Christmas Hey, as long as everybody's just sitting
future. around, uh --
So, I decided to turn things around Oh, they're gonna do another one!
and jump in on the holiday spirit. Thank you, Santa Claus!
Jump aboard the fun train! That's hilarious.
That was a train. Hope you're having fun, 'cause that's about
Something smells good! to end.
What? What doesn't smell good? Okay, stick to the scripted patter,
No, I-I said it did. sweetie.
I am confused! What is it that you don't And a one and a two.
like?! *Silent night*
I'm just excited for dinner. I love you Oh, my god, what was that?
guys. - Oh, I'm sure it's fine. - Fine. It's no
Oh, don't be nasty. We're trying our best. big deal.
Yes! So, Mitchell, here we go again.
Hey, look what I found -- a key to that *Silent night*
secret room. That is your daughter screaming!
My entire family is here. - Lily, are you okay?! - What's going on?!
Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? The Forgotten Boy -- I heard him! He's in
Meet me in two minutes. there!
There she is. - Of course he is. - All right, let's get
Haven't seen you since my big announcement. him out, huh?
What do you think? - We'll make sure that he doesn't bother
I think that I gave my all to this company -- - Oh, god!
and that if you were gonna hand over the Oh, god!
reins to somebody, Andy?
it should be me and not some hump from Take off the blazer.
Chicago! We were just looking for dinner napkins.
Well, it just so happens -- Where? In her shirt?
I'm not finished, Dad! I have so many questions.
Thank you for saving me Boys, Lily, go play where snow would be.
from wasting the next 20 years of my life So, is this a thing?
talking about slats, rods, and hinges -- Is it the first time?
from becoming the most boring person - No. - Yes!
in the most boring industry on earth! Andy!
- "Boring"?! - Boring! I-I'm sick of the lies.
Closets bring order to a chaotic world! We've been having improper relations.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what Aren't you engaged?
happened. Oh, suddenly, you're concerned about
I raised a mean, ungrateful daughter, loyalty.
and I'm glad I gave the business to Chuck Oh, you're talking to me. Won't that bore

第 5 页 共 7 页

-【1206】-

you?
- Apparently, I'm boring! - Listen,
everyone,
let's not let this ruin our beautiful
holiday.
Alex, nobody needs your sarcasm right now!
It's ugly, honey.
This is Andy and Haley's private business.
I think we should be focused on this special
night.
This special silent night.
One and a two.
*Silent night*
- *Hol--* - Guys, I have a surprise!
It's Beth!
Oh, my god.
This is one of my Christmas surprises.
Andy, you can spend Christmas with your
fiancé after all!
- Hi, bittle-battle! - Hey, pumpkin!
Beth, you mind if I have a quick chitchat
with your man?
Yeah, I'll give Beth a tour of the house
while we get Gloria up to speed.
Don't you just love the holidays?
Full of wonder and magic and surprise and
--
What?!
Sit.
Mr. Dunphy, I am s--
It's not your turn to talk.
That's my daughter, and you're engaged to
someone else.
If this is a fling, it's over. You
understand me?
But if this is something real,
you need to be honest with Beth.
It's time to step up and be a man.
I understand.
Let me tell you something.
Life is like a mountain road
with a new adventure around every corner.
Right?
- Did you just think of that? - I did.
Seems tense.
Your big sis is kind of a disaster, huh?
第 6 页 共 7 页
-【1207】-
Modern.Family.S07E09
Fig, we are a lot alike, like you said.
And sometimes we can give off
a negative vibe without meaning to.
What's your point?
Well, I was thinking maybe we could make
more of an effort
to be more positive and actually enjoy
Christmas.
As a goof?
Okay, all right, new plan.
We wait until the whole Haley/Andy thing
blows over.
- Everyone gets a little liquored up. -
Other people.
And then, right before dessert, you sit
down at the piano.
- *Silent night* - What the hell is that?
*Holy night*
*All is calm*
*All is bright*
*Round yon virgin mother and child*
- Son of a bitch! - Mother...
*Holy infant, so tender and mild*
*Sleep in heavenly peace*
That's it. I'm drinking.
*Sleep in heavenly peace*
That's got to hurt!
Hey, zucchini blossom!
Hey, popcorn shrimp, listen.
Something is going on, and...
As painful as it may be, I think we should
talk about it.
You could always see through me.
- What now? - Yes, I met someone.
I've been dating him for a few months behind
your back.
And I'm actually cheating on him, too.
You mean with me?
No!
No.
Popcorn shrimp.
Well, slight change of plans.
I'm gonna be going.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Bye, Beth!
Drive safe!

Keep in touch!
I don't see us keeping in touch.
Hey, you broke up with Beth?
She cheated on me. I can't believe it.
- Wait, you're upset? - Of course I'm upset.
We dated for 10 years.
I just got stabbed in the back.
- Welcome to the club. - Really?
You were stabbed in the back?
A daughter mocking her father's life.
Closets aren't fascinating? Since when?
Want to talk about betrayal?
How about when somebody steals a song
and takes it for themselveses?
I had no idea that you guys were gonna sing
that song.
I did. I heard them rehearsing.
I thought there was an animal stuck in the
wall.
And to think we invited you into our home.
We should've left you out in the warm.
I get that you're upset, but remember,
I even liked you when you were fat.
They give out awards to people like me!
I gave up a three-day trip to Cabo
to close that best Western deal.
That's right. You owe her 25 margaritas!
- Phil! - 21!
- 21! - Enough, enough, enough!
All I wanted was a white Christmas,
and instead, I'm back in Colombia --
the heat, the betrayal, people stealing
songs!
This ends now!
Andy, stop whining and be grateful that
Haley likes you!
She's a stone-cold 10, and you're a Utah
7!
Jay, it's time for you and Caire to kiss
and make up!
Why doesn't he kiss Chuck Feeny?!
Because there's no Chuck Feeny!
He made it up to test you!
And if she didn't care, she wouldn't be this
upset!
There is no Chuck Feeny?
第 7 页 共 7 页
-【1208】-
Modern.Family.S07E09
It was a dumb idea,
but I saw what happened to Don McSorley!
The crackerjack blinds guy.
You got his whole company for 8 cents on
the dollar.
I bought his photocopier for 7 bucks.
I always hoped you'd take over the company.
There's no one I trust more than you.
I just had to know that you really wanted
it!
That I wanted to run a company that gives
people a place
to store not only their jeans, but their
dreams?
- Yes! - Here.
I got you a little early Christmas present.
"Claire Dunphy, C.E.O."
Oh, you!
That's more like it!
Who cares what the weather is?
What is important is that we have each
other!
Snow!
Good King Wenceslas, there is snow!
I told you everything was going to work out.
It's a perfect Christmas.
- What are we looking at? - Snow!
Our miracle for Christmas.
That's not snow.
That's ashes from a forest fire.
If you're quiet, you can hear screaming.
Phil, did you look in all the drawers?
Yep, and under the bed. Got everything.
- Bye, Gloria. Thank you. - Bye.
Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Mitch and Cam -- always pushing their
agenda.
Bye-bye, house!
We will miss you!
Hello?
Hello?!
I-it's me -- Luke!
I think I locked myself in here!
I don't think I'm alone here.
 Modern.Family.S07E10
But I would've put it in my phone --
Modern.Family.S07E10 - Oh, there it is. - Of course.
I'm starving. Oh, my god. I'm supposed to be cat-sitting.
Any chance that's for me? We have to figure out something good.
Oh, no. It is for Mom. He's the first to call us on our birthdays,
I'm planning on making some bad choices and he always gets us amazing presents.
tonight, Are you even listening to me?
and I'm gonna need her on my side. How long can a cat go without eating?
I never realized the forethought Haley, he is the best uncle there is.
that went into being a disappointment. This cannot be our present.
Hey, Uncle Mitch. What are you doing here? *It's your birthday*
What do you mean? It's Uncle Mitchell's *I'm an omelet, it's your birthday*
Birthday Fun Day. I don't know what's happening, but I love
We know! it.
Yeah! Yeah! - It's your birthday. - It's my birthday.
We are so excited you are finally cashing - I'm an omelet. - You're an omelet.
this in. If you're going to keep giggling, I'll do
Me too. my own nails.
We forgot to get Uncle Mitchell a present I'm sorry -- it's just funny, the
for his last birthday. juxtaposition.
So, we came up with this great idea -- I get it -- I'm Asian.
A coupon for a fun day with the three of It's racist, Daddy.
us. Sorry.
It was perfect because it was so sweet Lily, look who it is -- our lovely Canadian
and we'd never have to do it. guests.
I hope you're ready for your first big Please come in.
surprise! How is everything upstairs?
I am. It's like a palace up there.
It's a super-fun omelet! I keep expecting to run into Gordon
Uh, yeah! Pinsent.
And if you were wondering what is so I'm sorry.
super-fun about that, Is he not a big movie star down here?
is that it comes with a -- a side of, uh... No. But thank you for Ryan Reynolds.,
Luke's omelet dance! One little thing -- we're going to see the
Don't be shy. You've been practicing all handprints
week. Come on. at the Chinese Theater, and I'm worried
Okay. Uh... it's going to look disrespectful if Rob
*It's your birthday* wears shorts.
*I'm an omelet* Honey, it's 55 degrees out. I'm not wearing
*It's your birthday* long pants.,
*I'm an omelet* You're fine. It's Hollywood.
It's your birthday There'll be people there with no pants.
This is a living nightmare. Hi, Lily.
Why would he just show up? Lily, say hi to Monte.
Shouldn't he have given us some notice? Hi.
I kind of remember him calling about it, I'm...sorry. She's never this shy.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【1209】-

No, we'sorry. Seems like something scared
her.
It was adorable.
Lily was clearly smitten with that little
Canadian Monte.
Just heard that. Delightful.
It was a rite of passage that I had been
looking forward to --
My daughter's first crush.
And I wanted to be there for her
in a way that no one was there for me.
Of course, my first crush was on a statue
of a confederate general in front of a
courthouse.
That's the same year they put up
The "Do Not Climb The Statue" signs.
Sorry I'm late.
Is this shirt okay? I got another one in
the car.
It's just lunch. Calm down.
Your boyfriend's gonna love it.
Last summer, Phil and I went to Cabo for
five days,
and we met Tom and Lisa Delaney, and we had
so much fun,
we make sure to see them every time they're
in town.
Tom's a hugely successful investment
banker.
He does tons of charity work,
he runs a marathon in 3:24,
and he flies his own helicopter.
Yeah, and Lisa...
Yeah, she is one lucky lady.
Before they get here,
can you promise me you won't pick up the
check?
Why?
Oh, honey, I like them,
but we've seen them three times since Cabo.
Every time, they order the most expensive
stuff.
They are the richest people we know --
Thank you.
And yet I have not seen him reach for the
check once.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1210】-
Modern.Family.S07E10
Tom has trouble reaching for stuff.
He hurt his shoulder pitching in college.
Division 1.
You feel a need to pick up the check
because you're intimidated by him
and you want to prove something.
That's crazy. I just don't like it when the
bill sits there.
It's awkward.
You can't just roll over on something
'cause it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Whatever you want.
Hello, beautiful.
Hi, handsome.
Hey, you two.
Hi! Oh, my gosh. It is so great to see you
guys.
Let's get some champagne.
Let's do it.
Okay, that's it.
If you hate it so much, just tell me.
Fine. Your cologne is horrible.
You smell like a stripper died in a cabin.
I'm not talking about my cologne.
That's why I hang back and wait for him to
get specific.
My mustache.
I've been growing it for weeks,
and the two of you have been conspicuously
silent.
It's very dashing.
What mustache?
Right, Jay. Like I'm supposed to believe
you didn't see it.
You got me.
Check you later, Serpico.
Serpico!
You don't even know who that is.
Jay.
Where are you going with your golf clubs?
Take a shot in the dark.
But we have a playdate.
Really? We just had one last night.
Not that I'm saying no --
Just quicker turnaround than usual.
A playdate for Joe.
 Modern.Family.S07E10
And both parents are coming, so you have Okay, so...guess again.
to be here. Wait -- do I smell the ocean?
You've got to be kidding me. Are you taking me to that fabulous
I mean, it's bad enough that these kids Carlton's on the beach?
today They have the most --
have to make a date to play with each other. Well, we're not making any promises,
They can't go in the street and kick a can but that would be a pretty good guess.
Or drool over a friend's centerfold of Kim If they weren't closed for renovations.
Novak., Damn it! Think, Uncle Mitchell.
Say something I understand. It's getting a little warm in here.
Why do we all have to sit around and watch Do you mind if we crack a window?
our kids play? Unless I've already done that with my head.
Because that's what people do now. We -- we need to stop for gas, okay?
And Joe is very excited about it. Just keep your blindfold on, Uncle
His first real friend. Mitchell.
- Gloria... - What's the problem? Okay.
I like the mom, and everybody says Fine. This is fine.
that you and the dad have a lot in common. Fill 'er up!
It's going to be fun. Yes, Ma'am.
Come in, everybody. Seriously?
Gloria, this is my husband, Marty. We can't just keep driving around.
Look at you. We need to go somewhere.
Pretty as a pinup. Focus, people. What does Uncle Mitchell
And where's the lucky husband I've been like?
hearing about? I don't know. Gay things, right?
Marty, that's Jay. What's the gayest thing you can think of?
Oh, good. You are old. He's married to it.
I was scared they were exaggerating. Hey, look.
Um, so...I don't want to spoil any Everybody loves stars. We could take him
surprises, on a tour.
But, uh, if you had to guess, Driving around looking at houses
What -- what would you say we're doing isn't much of a birthday fun day?
today? We need more time.
Yeah, let's just see if you pick what we Let's knock him out.
have planned. Charlize Theron, Harrison Ford, Halle
Let's see. Berry...,
Oh, my god. None of these seem very Uncle Mitchell.
Is it that farm in Oxnard What does Uncle Mitchell like?
where Cam and Lily and I went Gay things.
strawberry-picking? Then here's the mother lode.
We had the most wonderful -- Barbra Streisand! Perfect!
Sorry, but you are just so great at this Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
game. How do we know these maps are real?
But it's not strawberry season, so it can't You think I built this whole business on
be that. fake maps?
Which is exactly why we didn't pick that. What business? You got a sign and a lawn

第 3 页 共 9 页

-【1211】-

chair.
Can we wrap this up? I might still have a
cat to feed.,
Phil must have taken 100 pictures of me on
the beach
just to get one shot of the topless women
behind me.
There were topless women behind you?
Here you go. I'll just take this when you're
ready.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
So, what do you two have planned for the
rest of today?
Nothing...really.
But if you need to wind it up, it's --
Nah. We're good.
Yeah, good. Good.
Do you guys, uh, you have any fun trips
planned or...
Well, I was planning on visiting the
restroom,
and if all goes well, then maybe Spain in
April.
Adios, amigo.
I vaya con dios!
You want to keep that hand, amigo?
And France was just beautiful.
I hadn't been there since D-Day.
Took me the same amount of time
to get across that beach, though.
You were in the service?
Yeah, but different war.
Oh, Korea. Me too.
No, next war. Keep going.
Anybody want some cheese?
Not me. Gums up the old ticker.
Jay knows about that.
No idea. Love the stuff.
Just be careful with the almonds.
You may break the denture.
Uh, it's not a denture. It's an implant.
How many times have we been over this?
You forget stuff, too, huh?
I never forget anything.
When we park at the mall, we have to take
a picture.
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1212】-
Modern.Family.S07E10
Jay, Gloria tells me you have kids from your
first marriage.
So does Marty.
Yeah. My oldest is, uh, 66.
Was. She passed last year.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, that's young. What was it?
Natural causes.
I blame most of it on stress.
So much more pressure than there was years
ago.
Back in our day --
Different day. Not the same day.
Actually more your dead daughter's day.
May she rest in peace.
Mom, we need to talk.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be watching the kids.
Wesley is a bad influence on joe.
He's rude and disrespectful,
and I think you should nip this friendship
in the bud.
He made fun of your mustache, didn't he?
What kind of 4-year-old knows the word
"Wispy"?
Manny, look at me.
This close, and I still couldn't see it.
It's just for a little while longer, okay?
Fine.
But if they mess with me, I'm gonna mess
with them.
How many times a night do you have to get
up to pee?
I'm up to four or five.
Not me, old-timer. Twice tops.
Once last month, I even slept through the
night.
Now, I'm gonna refresh this
'cause I got nothing to worry about.
I'm literally in a pissing contest
with the son of a bitch.
Why are we eating off the good china?
Because we're having company for lunch.
Who's coming?
Okay, I invited Monte and his family from
upstairs.

What?! Why?!
Because a daddy can tell when his little
girl has a crush.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hey, Lily, where are you going?
Look, I want you to be able to talk to me
about this kind of stuff.
It's completely natural and healthy
to have feelings for someone.
And you know what? I think he likes you,
too.
You just have to draw him out, you know?
- Flirt a little. - How?
Uh, well, you just sit down in front of him,
look him straight in the eye, put a big
smile on your face,
and ask him some questions,
like, "So, do you have any hobbies?
Is Canada really as beautiful as they say
it is?
Are you a fan of the bacon?"
Why are you blinking like that?
Well, because I'm sending him signals.
Okay, what else?
Definitely compliment him on his outfit,
laugh at his jokes.
What if they aren't funny?
Oh, honey, the cute ones rarely are.
God doesn't give with both hands.
Okay, do not have a heart attack,
but when you take off your blindfold,
you will be standing in front of none other
than the legendary superstar...
- Who? - the one and only...
- Who? - Ms. Barbra Streisand--
Oh, my!
's house.
Oh, are you serious? She actually lives
here?
I can't believe it.
Dude, look. Her gate is open.
We should get a picture of you in her
driveway.
How awesome of a birthday fun day gift would
that be?
Okay. You know what? Pepper would die.
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1213】-
Modern.Family.S07E10
He loved "Yentl" so much, he had a second
Bar Mitzvah.,
Okay, let's -- let's do it.
Okay, right in front of the house.
Yeah. This is fantastic.
*Pepper, can you hear me?*
*Pepper, can you see me?*
*Pepper, I am standing in the driveway*
Excuse me. Can I help you?
I'm so sorry. We were just --
Oh, my god. You're Ray Liotta.
He really is a big fan.
He even knows the name of her gardener.
"Goodfellas"?
"Something Wild"?
"Field of dreams"?
- Never seen it. - Okay, we're really not
that old.
Look, Ray Liotta is a very fine actor,
And we have taken up enough of his time.
Stop saying my full name
like you have to keep telling them who I
am.
So, wait -- you live with Barbra Streisand?
Y-y-you got the map.
She lived here for about 2 months 15 years
ago.
You think the bastards would update these
things
to reflect the current movie-star owners.
Thank you. Come on, kids.
We're very sorry to have bothered you.
No, no, no. I don't want you to leave
empty-handed.
Come on in for a selfie.
All right. Um... Here. O-okay.
When you see my movies later,
you're gonna realize that this is a special
moment.
Come on. And "Cheeeeese"!
See? That's an old actor's trick for a
perfect smile.
Except you and I are smiling. You guys
aren't smiling.
W-what's the matter?
It's not you, Mr. Liotta.

We just really feel like we let our uncle
down.
We were supposed to plan a special day for
his birthday,
and we totally flaked.
We're so sorry.
We tried to figure out where to take you,
and we know how much you love Barbra
Streisand.
You always give us the most awesome gifts.
We suck.
Don't say that.
I kind of figured you didn't have anything
by the second verse of the omelet dance.
Hey, I've had no training.
But then I saw how hard you were trying to
make me happy,
and I just love hanging out with you guys.
Plus, I did get to meet Ray Lio-- Ray.
You're also gonna meet Barbra.
What? No.
I've been meaning to go by her house anyway.
I've got a bunch of her mail.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
No, no, no, no.
You remind me of --
of someone that I loved when I was a kid.
I had a funny uncle, too.
This is so nice of you.
Well, I must admit,
I-I have a little bit of an ulterior motive.
I think Lily has a giant crush on your
little guy.
I kind of wanted to set them up.
I know -- I'm a hopeless romantic.
Oh! That's so cute!
I remember my first crush. It was at summer
camp.
I lived in Toronto, and he was from
Edmonton,
So it was very star-crossed.
Just like our little Romeo and Juliet.
He was the first boy I ever loved.
Billy Macklin.
God. I haven't thought of him in years.
Do you have any hobbies?
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1214】-
Modern.Family.S07E10
Well, I like rock climbing.
I collect Pokemon --
I hear Canada's nice.
Do you like bacon?
Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna --
After that summer, things got pretty rough.
Dad died, Mom started drinking.
It was a lot to handle.
I love your shirt. Is it new?
Oh, I think this shirt's older than you are.
Okay, Lily, can I see you in the bedroom,
please?
Older than I am -- oh, Rob, you're killing
me!
Okay, we'll be right back.
And enough.
What are you doing out there?
What you told me.
I think it's going pretty good.
I thought your crush was on Monte.
You can't flirt with a grown man.
But you said --
No. It's not appropriate.
Oh, no! I'm never talking to a boy ever
again!
Lily, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
If -- if anything, this is -- this is my
fault.
I thought you meant Monte, and I confused
you.
Can I...tell you a little secret?
No!
Well, when I made a move on my first crush,
it went way worse.
It was New Year's Eve, and I went to give
him a kiss,
and my tongue froze to his cheek.
Why did it freeze?
It was cold, and he was made out of bronze,
And I don't want to talk about this anymore.
What are you doing?
Marty said guys our age can't do 10 sit-ups.
I don't remember saying it, but it sounds
like me.
Jay, may I speak with you for a moment?
All right.

Ah, crap!
Uh, here. L-let me help you.
I'm going down!
Vicky!
What is wrong with you today?
I'm sick of Marty lumping me
into the same age category as him.
"Guys like us," "Back in our day."
I'm a baby boomer, for god's sake.
I know all the words to "Light My Fire."
Jay, you have to stop thinking only about
you.
Yeah, I know, I know. I should think about
Joe.
No -- Me!
Do you know that Vicky and I
are the oldest moms in the class -- by a
lot?
So?
This might surprise you,
but aging is also a big deal for women.
I need Vicky to be my friend.
I feel out of place around all those young
moms.
And if you don't like her husband,
maybe she'll stop liking me.
Gloria, I'm trying, but it's --
At least you're not the oldest dad.
Can't you enjoy that?
When was the last time
that you were the young stud in the room?
When I put Mom in that nursing home.
That was quite a rush.
So, are you going to be nice?
Yes. He's not a bad guy.
And really, how much longer
am I gonna have to put up with him?
Ay, no, Jay. Don't say that.
You're going to live a long life.
Not me! Grandpa out there!
He can hear you.
Hear what?
You were talking about my mustache again?
No, Manny. We love your mustache.
Oh, hilarious.
Tell me you like it now that I've shaved
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1215】-
Modern.Family.S07E10
it off!
Black mother and white father, but I've
never met him.
That's a story that should be out there more
--
White fathers who abandon their families.
What else? What else?
So, this is Walter.
Just as I took over for Jeremy when his
shift ended,
he'll be taking over for me.
Unless you're ready?
I think we're still talking. But thanks.
Walter? Could I ask you a quick question
right over there?
I'll be right back, too.
I just need a minute alone with my husband.
Thank you.
There is no way you are paying that bill.
It has been out there forever,
and he hasn't even pretended to reach for
his wallet.
This is torture, Claire.
I'll pay anything to end it.
Stay strong.
I'm weak. You married a weak man!
Give it to me. Give it --
Phil --
No! Walter! Walter!
Walter! D'ohh!
Okay. Here's the thing.
- We like hanging out -- - No, Claire! No!
I know what this is about.
Tom, you should have paid the check. It's
rude.
He's not rude. He's wonderful. I had to pay.
Why?
Phil, don't you say another word!
Ow! See? I told you.
What the hell is going on here?
- Nothing. - Phil?
Fine -- if you have to know
every last detail about my life...
I lost a bet to Tom in Cabo. Now I owe him
five meals.
- There -- we're done. - That's it.

Why didn't you just say that?
Th-- there's no reason.
What...was...the bet?
Phil, I mean it -- don't say another word.
They're gonna figure it out, Tom.
- How could they figure out, Phil? - They're
gonna figure it out.
We were drunk on margaritas, and we wanted
to find out
whose wife would eat the most crickets.
- What?! - What?!
Doesn't seem like they were circling that,
Phil.
You were just g-grabbing crickets
and sneaking them into our food?
Not live ones. They were roasted.
Oh, my god!
You're disgusting people.
You're missing the silver lining here,
honey.
I lost the bet.
So I didn't eat crickets?
You ate three.
Lisa had six.
Six?!
You could've won with four!
Baby, baby, I couldn't take that chance.
I'd like to give you two a little something
to think about.
Most of the food you eat is prepared by us.
Or by our private chef.
But I-I like where you're going.
Next time you take a bite of a big, juicy
burger
or dig into a bowl of spaghetti,
there's gonna be an extra special
ingredient in there,
and it won't be love.
How many did you get this time?
Two crickets.
Okay, this makes more sense.
Barbra would never leave her gate wide
open.
They're broken, okay?
Don't make me regret bringing you here.
Hello?
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1216】-
Modern.Family.S07E10
Is Barbra home? It's Ray Liotta.
You know, from "Goodfellas."
- "Something Wild." - "Field of Dreams."
Oh, I know who he is. What's up, Ray?
Barbra, I have some of your mail
from when you used to live over at
Cedarhurst.
And I have a friend here that would like
--
Just leave the mail by the gate. I'll send
someone down.
O-okay, but --
Oh. There's more?
Uh, Ms. Streisand, hi. My -- my name is
Mitchell Pritchett,
And I have been a fan of yours since I can't
even remember,
And -- oh, your artistry and integrity
has inspired me my whole life, and I just
--
I can't even believe I'm talking to you
right now.
Please. I'm just a regular person, like
you.
I have people put on my pants one leg at
a time.
That's so funny.
Barbra, today is his birthday!
Well, technically, it was three weeks ago.
- All right, you're blowing it. - Sorry.
You sound very sweet, Mitchell.
I-I was thinking maybe as a special treat,
you could --
I'm not singing into my gate, Ray.
Well, it was very nice to talk to you.
I did have a quick question about --
Goodbye.
It's fine.
When I tell the story,
it ends with her singing "Happy Birthday."
Oh, shoot. It's past 3:00.
What's wrong? You late for dinner?
Jay.
Honey, it's okay. If we leave now, we --
No, no, I missed it.
What did you miss?
 Modern.Family.S07E10
It's Fred and Ginger Week on TCM.
They're showing "Swing Time". And I forgot
to record it.
Let me tell you about a little innovation
called Netflix.
You'll never miss another movie again.
- Really? - Hand to God.
You pick a film on your computer.
Three days later, there's a disk in your
mailbox.
You got to stay up with technology, Marty.
Wow. Thanks.
Can you believe he doesn't know about
streaming?
If I ever get that out of touch, kill me.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1217】-
 Modern.Family.S07E11
Or any day now.
Modern.Family.S07E11 Or a month and a half fr--
Well, how do I look? How are you not getting this?
Big day. I'm going to see Alex. Mitch called. He wants to know when are you
I'm, uh -- I'm a little nervous bringing
because she's been pulling away lately. the air mattress for Lily's sleepover.
Calls don't get returned. You know, for a guy who refuses to buy his
I don't get asked to visit as much. own air mattresses,
Maybe it's hitting me hard he's pretty particular about when they
'cause I never went through that with my arrive.
dad. No, no! Don't eat my sauce.
After my junior year, Then I won't have enough to sell at the
we -- we rode a tandem bike across Mykonos., farmers' market.
Come to think of it, No. Oh, geez. Not the fat finger.
there were lots of fathers and sons there. You always do this when I put on a few.
Phil, sit. I didn't say anything.
We need to talk about the ducks. It's not what you say.
We hate the ducks. It's that damn lard dipstick finger of
Again? You have a problem. yours.
I'm hearing a lot of negatives, It disappeared up to the second knuckle.
but we're overlooking the fact that Well, now that that's over with,
Feathers can now fetch. I can finally share my latest
Honey, she pulled a wet hot dog bun out of football-related problem.
the sink, Mitchell's right. I should probably get a
and you said, "get the bun." move on.
That doesn't count as fetching. The team left me out of the
Please tell me they're not gonna live here end-of-the-season prank.
forever. You know, that takes me back.
You're really not the one to make that We told the school board that coach Davis
argument. was a communist.
Oh, like you're not gonna The man spent a weekend in jail.
die of natural causes in that bunk bed Simpler times.
upstairs. Well, that's better than what these
Look, we have provided them with a good meatheads cooked up.
home. They just parked the principal's car
When they're ready, they'll leave. in the middle of the basketball court.
Could be any day. That's not where cars go.
Oh, and in the duck's defense, Claire, Why didn't those meatballs include you?
You can't stick your leg out of your robe They think I'm a goody-two-shoes.
at breakfast I'm not.
and then pretend to hate the attention. My own mother?
Why didn't you fight harder about the Ay, I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you
ducks? to break some rules.
You heard what he said. You're a minor. Take advantage of it.
The ducks could leave any day now. I break the rules.
Yeah, or it could be two months from now. I just prefer to be suave, do it with

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1218】-

panache and finesse.,
Ay, those are American shampoos. I know.
Y'all ready for this?
I got our sauce
into The Granddaddy of All Holiday gift
baskets.
Which one?
It's called Granddaddy's Holiday Gift
Baskets.
Very exclusive.
They want 150 jars...
6 o'clock tonight.
No! It's too much sauce for too little time.
And anyways, I don't have the key
ingredient --
The blood peppers.
And my cousin can't send me more
from Colombia until next week.
One spicy step ahead of you.
Enter the Serrano pepper!
No one will know the difference.
I will.
This sauce is part of my heritage.
I cannot turn my back on who I am.
Didn't your hair used to be darker?
I'm just saying
this is a great opportunity for our sauce.
"Our sauce"?
All of a sudden, Cam is calling it "our
sauce"?
I got that recipe from my great aunt
who got it from her mother who stole it from
a blind maid.
How dare he.
Fine. We'll just go get some blood peppers.
They're impossible to get.
Unless you're willing to break some rules.
Why are we back on your thing again?
They just so happen to grow blood peppers
at the botanical gardens.
Great. Let's go.
You're adorable.
We're talking rare flora in a secure
location.
Okay, so, then what do we do?
First, apologize for calling me a
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1219】-
Modern.Family.S07E11
goody-goody,
because I'm about to lay out a plan so
daring
that the two of you may not have the guts
to follow it.
Should I take my knife?
I have my baseball bat in my car.
Okay, we're stealing a pepper,
not teaching its family a lesson.
Uh, okay.
I noticed a few of your professors
in those mouth-controlled wheelchairs.
I think some of them are just faking it to
try and look cool.
Domo Arigato, Mr. Robotics lab!
What?!
Yeah. Come check out these gloves. They're
awesome.
Any movement, even the slightest motion,
will be mirrored by the robotic hands.
Possible applications are bomb defusement,
nuclear reactor repair, and remote
neurosurgery.
What has two thumbs and any lady robot he
wants?
This guy.
Dad, this isn't a toy.
Hello, my loyal robot subjects.
Dad?
Jazz hands!
The other robots are staring!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
So, what's going on at home?
Well, Haley and Luke aren't around much.
Meanwhile, the ducks are awesome and nobody
gets it.
You wouldn't believe this, but one of them
can fetch.
Of course I believe it.
One of my professors
taught a chimpanzee how to play the
saxophone.
We all think he's great, but he only plays
jazz,
so there's no way to tell.
Tell me about these fellas.

Well, this one's being developed for the
military.
Really?
What about this adorable guy? Hello,
switch.
Oh, no! Dad, don't press that.
Oh, he's just going for a little walk.
The master switch!
The what?
No, no, no!
Oh, my god.
It's happening!
They're rising up!
Turn off!
I command you to turn off!
It's not working!
I'm on your side!
Why would you do that?!
I don't know what I was thinking!
I'm so sorry.
Great. Now the captain of the football team
hates me.
Okay, follow my plan to the letter,
and in 10 minutes, we'll have peppers in
hand.
It's Saturday.
William will be working the Rose Garden.
Fortunately, he'll be distracted.
Right now, the aphids have the upper hand.
Cam, when you reach the stream,
follow it south southeast to the
Hummingbird Exhibit.
Interact with no one.
Excuse me. Could you take this for us?
Oh, guess I have a second.
Took a picture of myself.
Oh, and now it's your wallpaper.
Mom, to avoid detection, take a circuitous
route
to the Edmund and Miriam Rabinowitz Pepper
Patch.
Take me to the blood peppers.
I'll re-route the senior citizens' tour...
You've already been this way. You loved it.
so they're not around when you arrive at
the peppers.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1220】-
Modern.Family.S07E11
Go away, boy.
Be on alert. There may be added security.
How exhilarating.
I didn't know there was a caper in our
sauce.
How could you?
It's not your recipe.
Hey, girls. How about a snack?
I'm hosting a sleepover for Lily's
Vietnamese dance troupe.
We want her to be more in touch with her
heritage,
but breaking the ice with the other parents
has been a little tough.
Cam and I are the only white parents,
the only gay parents,
the only parents that find us funny.
Come on in, Patricia, Ms. Tran.
The girls are in Lily's room.
Oh, this is a fun coincidence.
We actually had a couple Trans over for
dinner last ni--
The hardest nut to crack
has been little Patricia Tran's mother.
I didn't try her homemade pho at a potluck
once,
and now she doesn't like me.
You could say it was a little bit of a pho
pa.
Hello.
- Your husband? - My dad.
And I prefer brunettes, without beards.
I like women.
I'll bring Patricia's medicine over later.
My purse.
She seems nice.
Hey, Grandpa!
Hi, sweetheart!
Little tip -- you might want the girls
to blow up these air mattresses,
tire them out a little bit.
Oh, I'm not trying to tire them out.
No. I'm the fun dad, okay?
I want them to have a good time.
That's a rookie mistake.
When you and Claire were kids,

I was the sleepover champ, undefeated.
There was never a kid that was awake later
than 7:30.
Oh, no. I remember my 10th birthday.
You let us wash your car,
and then we carried the grandfather clock
to the dump.
Yeah, sun exposure plays a big part.
What's this stuff?
Uh, Mom, uh, mailed me a bunch of stuff from
her garage.
She thought I might like a VCR and a bunch
of old tapes.
Sweet of Dede to mail you her garbage.
"Jane Fonda Complete Workouts," "It's Not
You, It's Him",
"Cooking with Chocolate."
Pretty much the ARC of our whole marriage.
Listen, if you're smart,
you'll let the girls walk this stuff down
to Goodwill.
Or I could provide a fun, entertaining
evening
that will only enrich my daughter's
childhood.
Daddy, will you judge our screaming
contest?
Of course he will! Hit it, girls!
Okay! You won. You all won. It's a tie.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry about what happened
in there.
Don't worry about me, but, you know,
those robots are programmed to hold a
grudge.
Not how I wanted this to go.
Probably gonna be a while
before I get invited back here, huh?
Dad, it's okay.
You're probably going to be seeing me a lot
more,
considering I want to move back home
and commute to school next semester.
Really?
Yeah. It's only a half-hour drive.
Are you mad?
Mad? Are you kidding me? I'm thrilled.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1221】-
Modern.Family.S07E11
You know how much I miss you.
We could have our own robot lab in the
garage.
How much could that possibly cost?
But, uh -- but why? Did something happen?
No, it's just --
Ugh, the people here are all so immature.
They are always banging on your door
with a beaker full of margaritas, and...,
The nerd noise is deafening.
Did you bring those noise-canceling
headphones I asked mom for?
Oh, I am so sorry. I forgot.
Sometimes my brain cancels out your mom's
noise.
I'll, uh -- I'll pick some up
while you're in class and then drop them
by the dorm.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Cannon Ball tonight. Don't miss it.
Oh, no, no. Thanks.
What's that about?
Oh, it's just some stupid tradition where,
at the end of the semester,
all the freshmen jump off a high dive
in cheesy prom dresses.
Oh, that could be fun.
It definitely won't be.
Well, maybe if you give it a chance...
No. You know what, Dad?
I-I-I did.
I've -- I've already been to like 10
parties,
and they're all lame.
Everyone just talks to their own dorm mate.
Sweetie, sometimes it takes a while to warm
up to people.
What is this about? Do you not want me to
come home?
Is that what this is?
Because, fine, I'll just go get an
apartment off campus.
Alex, don't get mad.
Well, I am mad.
Because I'm actually smart enough

to know what's working for me and what
isn't,
And this isn't.
I have to go to class.
Heads up! Watch out!
How'd he do that?
Mitchell?
In the kitchen, grandpa!
Vietnamese girls and a man in makeup.
When does Bob Hope take the stage?,
Delightful.
You're good to go on the air mattresses.
Good luck with the sleepover.
Yes, Ma'am?
I don't want to be the fun dad anymore.
I need to knock these girls out quick.
Teach me.
Let's go, ladies! Reach to the sky!
How are you better at this than Jane Fonda?
Mitchell, you can't talk
and feel the burn at the same time.
Donkey-kick like you mean it, Jennifer.
I'm just curious, because this tape was on
its way to Goodwill,
and all of a sudden, you pulled it out of
your back pocket.
I put on a couple of extra pounds,
and Jane got me out of a similar situation
in the ’80s.
Please tell me you were wearing leg
warmers.
Leave me alone.
We got this, girls. March it out.
Well, for whatever it's worth, Dad, I
didn't notice.
Gloria did.
She did that little poke thing to my spare
tire.
Lily, keep the beat.
I hate to admit it, but it bugged the hell
out of me.
Kim-ly, we're punching and we're stepping.
Care to join us?
So, I figured I'd do this workout every damn
day of the week
until I was nothing but abs, buns, and
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1222】-
Modern.Family.S07E11
thighs.
Work your glutes, Tiffany!
This is your problem area.
Okay, Dad, no offense, but I've been
listening
to you whine about gaining and losing the
same 10 pounds
since, at age 60,
you married the most beautiful woman in the
world.
And while I appreciate what might be the
rich-white-mannest
of rich-white-man problems,
this tape is only energizing these little
girls.
This is boring.
Let's go and build a fort in my room.
So, what? You're just gonna give up?
You got to know when to surrender.
No, sir.
I'm not losing to the Vietnamese twice in
a lifetime.
Get up.
No man left behind.
Look at this golf course. It's a beautiful
home for ducks.
Okay, now, who's gonna help me
set these little suckers free, huh?
- You do it. - I'm good.
Oh, come on.
We all hate the ducks. We all want them
gone.
Why do I have to be the bad guy?
I don't know. Why am I the pretty one?
We all have our thing.
Fine. Fine. I'll do it.
Get on out there. There you go. You're free.
Okay.
Why aren't they going anywhere?
Well, Miss Thing over there is still
getting herself ready.
I swear she spent all morning
looking at her reflection in the water
bowl.
How about that weirdo?
Did you see when he got his bill stuck in

his cage yesterday?
What a sweet little dope.
I know. He's lucky his sister is so smart.
You know, she figured out how to unlatch
the cage
and set him free.
Oh, my god.
Do you guys see what's happening?
- No. - Of course you don't.
The reason why your dad is so attached to
these ducks
is they remind him of you guys.
We got to get them home.
They're gone.
Oh, my god.
Where are they?
Oh, God.
What the hell?
Does everyone get rid of their ducks here?
Can't we just pick any three?
Your father will know immediately.
Look. I think that might be the dumb Luke
duck.
The one entertaining the others?
His head is caught in the Fritos bag.
- Isn't that your duck? - Where?
The one pushing oats around with its beak,
pretending to eat.
All right. That's it. Go get your ducks.
Go.
What? No. It is filthy and filmy.
And that's before Luke even gets in it.
What's the point in getting two ducks
if we don't have the third one?
And how are we supposed to find the Alex
duck?
Wait until New Year's Eve and see which one
stays home?
No. No. You're right.
We are not going home without all three
ducks.
Hang on. Let's see if your dad was right.
Feather.
Feather. Fetch.
No way.
Don't just stand there. Get your ducks.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1223】-
Modern.Family.S07E11
I just spent a week's salary on these shoes.
I'm not -- oh, look at those big brown eyes.
They take up half her face!
I'm coming, princess!
Pardon me.
Sorry. Have fun.
What's the most dangerous type of uranium
cake?
Yellow!
What's going on?
I found this inhaler. Do you know whose it
is?
There's only six people here who don't use
those.
They throw them in the air at graduation.
All right.
Hey, did you bring those headphones?
Yeah. Right here.
Thanks.
Hey, honey.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I think maybe being on a college campus took
me back,
and some of my own first-year insecurities
bubbled up.
I didn't know anybody, and no matter how
hard I tried,
I was always on the outside.
And then suddenly, one day, something
clicked and I was in.
I mean, you never know.
I mean, just because that happened to you,
- Doesn't mean that's -- - No, no, no, no,
no.
That's -- that's my point.
My story isn't your story.
As intimidating as this place may be,
I've never seen you walk away from a
challenge.
If you tell me you've given it your best
shot,
then I know you have.
So don't be mad at me, okay?
I'm not mad.
All right, kiddo.
Your mom and I will be back next week to

pack you up.
I love you.
I love you, too.
- Bye. - Bye.
Okay. Granddaddy's truck's gonna be here
in 84 minutes.
So, we're tightening, we're stirring,
we're chopping.
Bottle it up!
I can't. I'm just too excited.
you mean the sauce in the -- got it. Yes.
Cam...
- What is this? - Oh, my gosh.
You weren't supposed to see these yet.
This is just a potential label idea that
I-I had mocked up.
But I am not even on it.
No, you are. Yes, you are. See?
You're the silhouette right here by the
nutritional facts.
That way, people are looking at you
and not the toxic amount of sodium.
I have others, too.
You know, I have one of us on a pepper rocket
on our way to Flavor City.
You're in front of me, and it's cute.
You know what? I don't think this
partnership is working.
What are you saying?
What am I saying?
This is family's sauce,
and you have already tried to change the
recipe.
You took a huge order without even asking
me.
And now this?
If I am going to Flavor City, I am going
by myself.
You're breaking up with me?
When I first started dating Cam,
his ex-boyfriend gave me a heads up.
He said, "Cam's a great guy,
but I hope you never have to break up with
him."
And I said, "Why? Does he get angry,
weepy, jealous, despondent?"
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1224】-
Modern.Family.S07E11
He said, "Yes."
You're breaking up with me?
This business was my idea.
I got you into the farmers' market.
I got you into those baskets.
You were nothing but a housewife when I
found you.
I didn't mean that. I've always admired
you.
Being a housewife is the hardest job on the
planet.
You're never not at work.
It's just -- how did we get to this place?
Unless...
There's someone else, isn't there?
Oh, how could I be so blind?
Let me guess -- somebody with more
experience?
Somebody Colombian?
Well, you're no picnic, either.
So, who is it?
Say something!
I've seen my mom break up with a lot of guys.
She has this weird power to get them to do
all the work.
One minute, they're a mess.
The next, they're thanking her
for the best year of their lives.
The last guy helped us move into Jay's
house.
You knew.
You knew I needed the motivation to create
my own sauce.
You knew all along.
You're welcome, Cam. And don't worry.
I know that one day, you're gonna have your
sauce
in Granddaddy's Basket.
Well, that paints a picture.
Now, see, there's lots of stuff here to tire
the kids out.
Look -- bricks for carrying, shovels for
digging.
Shovels. When did we get shovels?
Okay, well, whatever you're doing,
can you do it someplace else?
 Modern.Family.S07E11
I'm helping Gloria bottle her sauce, At breakfast, you were giving them shoulder
and we're running out of time. rubs.
Ay, Cam. I think it's too late. What happened?
I don't think we have enough time to finish. I realized today that I may have been
You might. holding them back
Oh, Ms. Tran. Is that Patricia's medicine? because that was fun for me.
Pick up the pace, ladies! But in the end,
Come on! We've only got 20 minutes! you got to let them spread their wings,
Trust me. This is slightly better than it right?
looks., - Whoo! Let's go! Girl! - All right, Alex!
My fingers hurt. All right, guys. Let's do this.
Hey, honey, what did I say about talking One, two...
on the line? Come visit us!
Okay. Let's just get these ducks back into Make good choices!
the garage In many ways, you fetched me!
as fast as we can, and please be quiet. You caught me.
- I don't want your father to hear us. - I know they're not coming back.
Hello. Sometimes they do.
I got home early and noticed the six of you Hello?
had...ducked out. Hey, Alex.
Well, we know how much you love the ducks, What's going on, sweetheart?
and -- and we wanted to play with them, too. Yeah?
- And we -- - And what, Claire? "Once the lower spring hinge is secured,
The craziest thing happened? you can then attach the closet door."
You turned a hard corner, the cage banged They're all sleeping, Mitch.
open, Not bad.
one of them hit the sunroof button, 45. Room for improvement.
and out they flew, leaving us with nothing Well, it looks like I'm still undefeated.
but an empty --
I interrupted you. Go on.
We have not always loved the ducks, Phil,
but I think we're starting to get it.
Yeah. We want them to stay.
We know why you love them.
Thank you.
I always knew it was only a matter of time
before these little scamps waddled into
your hearts
just like they did mine.
Now, come on. Help me throw them out the
window.
Dad, what are you doing?
It is time for them to go.
But, honey, are you sure they can even fly?
According to the internet, they were ready
a month ago.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1225】-

Modern.Family.S07E12
Why do I still have to come to these family
meetings?
I'm an adult.
She said, emerging from the basement
in her pajamas at noon.
Get off my back. It's Saturday.
Right?
What is this meeting about?
Are the ducks back? Cause that was weird.
They saved us.
From people thinking we're normal.
Your mom starts her new job
running grandpa's closet company on
Monday,
and you know how she gets when there are
big changes.
Knockity-knock!
Oh, no. Not --
Mrs. Clutterworth.
Who's ready to take everything we don't
want
and toss it in the bin?
I am!
You get her arms, I'll get her legs.
I created Mrs. Clutterworth
when the kids were little
as a way to make home organizing fun.
So fun. Super fun.
Maybe a little confusing.
Why?
Well, the name is clearly inspired
by Mrs. Butterworth, right?
But somehow she has a British accent.
Yeah, well, the kids were super into Mary
Poppins back then.
Still missing a step.
Take one of these things up to your rooms.
Put everything in it you don't use.
Can't we just do this next weekend, or, like,
never?
No.
I am starting my new job
and I want to leave things as organized as
possible.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1226】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
Most people just throw stuff into a closet.
As president of a closet company,
you should know that.
We're doing this.
Or, more to the point, if...
*There's something that you have*
*And you never, ever use it*
*Put it in the bin*
*Lose it, lose it, lose it*
Oh, I think you've lost it, lost it, lost
it.
I'd like to toast my dad on his first day
of retirement.
Congratulations on 42 years in the
closet...
business.
I think what I'm going to miss the most
is all the closet jokes.
Traditionally on an occasion this
emotionally significant,
the man of the hour delivers a few
well-chosen words.
I would just like to say...
I'm going golfing.
Dad, don't forget Lily's first flute
recital
is on Thursday at 3:30.
I would love to be there,
but I'm really swamped at Wo--
hell, that snuck up on me.
It's okay, Grandpa. I don't want you to
come.
I stink.
Hey, no. No.
You do not stink.
I don't know why she's so bad.
She has a great teacher.
I was a brilliant flautist--
may have won best new soloist
at the lower Ventura jazz happening.
I used to keep my trophy in my locker.
I'd stare at it every time the jealous kids
would stuff me in there.
Hey, have fun today.
Nice face candy.
The aviators.

You're gonna be the coolest guy on the golf
course.
Hey, come here.
I'm dying to tell somebody.
Can I let you in on a little secret?
A secret? Just you and me?
Sorry, that had to come out. Go on.
I'm not going golfing.
I'm taking my first flying lessons today.
I always dreamed of being a pilot.
Oh, Jay, that's fantastic, and I-I totally
get it.
I had a crush on the pilot
who flew the crop duster back home.
He had big, broad shoulders and a deep,
husky voice
that, in retrospect, could have been
pesticide-related.
Don't tell anyone, especially Gloria.
I want it to be a surprise.
Not a word.
I'm your man.
You're wearing a purse.
This is a gentleman's tactical tote.
And I'll have you know,
this exact model was carried by a member
of Seal Team 6.
Yes, while his girlfriend tried on dresses.
Knockity-knock!
What the hell are you doing?
Getting salon-quality haircuts at a
fraction of the price!
Thanks, Flowbee!
Come on, guys.
Have you gotten rid of anything today?
Yeah, all that.
That's one sock.
Oh, my goodness.
What in the world were we thinking?
Hey, gorgeous! Gimme a kiss!
I do not want Luke's dirty sock anywhere
near my mouth.
It's seen worse.
No. Oh, no.
Come on, guys. Stay focused.
I can't be the only one getting rid of stuff
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1227】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
today.
Wait a minute. What is Chickie doing in
there?
It's broken.
But every year when the kids were little
he was the star of Easter!
I mean, besides Jesus.
When you squeeze it, it says,
"Happy Easter!"
Now when you squeeze him, he says,
"Battery acid is leaking inside of me. Let
me die!"
Later.
She just took my favorite stick.
You need to control your woman.
That is your mother you're talking about...
so that's not happening.
I love Chickie.
I love all of that stuff!
And I have a plan to get it back.
But maybe we'll let the Flowbee go.
All right.
Manny, as requested,
a few of my favorite clown props.
What's wrong, Manny, you have too many
friends?
Don't listen to him.
I volunteered to perform at Joe's school
fair.
I'm closing the show.
Well, at least you know that going in.
Okay, Snakes In A Can,
Endless Handkerchief,
it will keep coming out of there if you keep
pulling it.
And, of course, the Squirting Flower.
Thank you so much.
Before you take these from me,
would you like a small glass of water?
Is that a Dribble Glass?
You're ready.
I think I'll pass on the fake peanut brittle,
though.
It's not even fooling preschoolers.
Okay, maybe.
Oh, hello, Gloria.

Thank you for brunch.
It was... revolutionary.
Yes. Goodbye.
Tough room.
No, no. Your bowtie is very funny
because it was spinning around,
but I just can't stop thinking about
this terrible dream that I had last night.
Oh, what was it?
It was about Jay.
He was falling from a great height,
and you both were by my side,
and I was very sad because I knew that
I was never, ever going to see him again.
What do you think that that means?
How would I know? I have all the same
information you have.
Excuse me, I need to make a phone call.
I don't know if Gloria's dreams
can predict the future like mine can,
but I do know that if something happened
to Jay...
I couldn't live with myself.
Of course, I wouldn't have to,
because Gloria would kill me.
Ay, Jay left his phone again.
Cam.
Why are you calling Jay?
Am I?
I-I thought I was calling the gardener.
I forgot to leave the gate open,
so I should probably go let him in.
It'd be cruel to make Caesar climb another
big fence.
You know that maneuver
where you fly straight up until you stall
and then pull out of the dive?
Can we do that today?
Nope.
Don't decide now. We'll talk when we're up.
Hey, Jay!
Jay, hey, wait up.
Do you think we can take off before he gets
here?
I think we can land before he gets here.
So this is a pre-check, right?
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1228】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
What are we looking for?
Nothing.
Just trying to look cool for those girls
over there.
Jay, I need to talk to you before you fly.
It's a matter of life and...
Oh, good god.
Cameron Tucker.
- Gus. - Hi, Gus.
What do you want, Cam?
What do you want?
What? Oh, yes.
You're not gonna want to get in that plane.
Gloria had a terrible dream
where you fell from a great height and died.
All right, Gus. Up, up, and away.
No, Jay, she seemed pretty upset,
And if something were to happen --
She's always dreaming about me dying.
Dede did the same thing.
It's typical wife stuff.
- Is it? - Nothing's gonna happen, Cam.
Tell him, Gus. It's perfectly safe.
He's in good hands.
Big hands, too -- I couldn't help but
notice.
I'm more worried about
dying from boredom in retirement than from
a fiery crash.
Now, thanks for your concern.
Take your purse and go.
That's one of those tactical totes, isn't
it?
Why, yes.
Yes, it is, Gus.
Anyway, bye, Cam.
No, you know what? I'm not going anywhere,
Because in Gloria's dream, I was alive.
So if I'm with you, this plane can't go
down.
You think you being on this small plane
makes it less likely to crash?
Please don't do this to me in front of Gus,
okay?
God, I was really into trolls.
Yeah, especially your junior prom date with

the baby teeth.
What do you want?
I need to give Clutterworth something
to get her off my back.
I never thought I'd say this,
but can I borrow some of your clothes?
What about this?
Oh, no, no, no. Put that down.
- It's Sanjay's. - And you're gonna keep
it?
I don't know what I'm gonna do with it yet.
Here.
Cut it into a million pieces.
He was my first real boyfriend.
So what? He cheated on you.
You need to get over this guy and move on
with your life.
I am so over him.
So why are you sniffing that?
I'm just smelling how stupid he smells.
Oh, my god.
Okay, fine. You're right.
I need closure.
I saw on Instagram he's home for the
weekend.
So...
You take his stupid hoodie and his clunky
shoes
and you go over there
and throw them in his dumb face.
Those are my shoes.
Mommy, it sounds like those raccoons are
fighting again.
Fine, I'll stop.
Hey, what does he know about art?
You've seen his drawings.
He thinks jay is shorter than a flower.
I don't know what is happening.
I keep coaching her and coaching her,
and she's just getting worse.
You know what? I'll give her a few tips.
My flute of choice has always been the Pan,
but I suppose I could dumb it down.
This is a nightmare.
Yes. She's terrible.
But the nightmare
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1229】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
is seeing your husband plunging to his
death
and having people think that you did it
for the life insurance payout.
That's a new detail.
Gloria, dreams don't predict the future.
They're windows into the subconscious.
Maybe falling from a great height
is about my dad retiring.
- You think? -Yeah, it could be.
He's no longer a big shot in the closet
industry,
which is apparently a thing.
Maybe you're afraid that the two of you are
growing apart.
It's happening already.
Today we could have done all sorts of fun
things together,
and he decided to go golfing!
We could have gone to dance classes, the
arboretum,
the art gallery!
You're kind of swimming upstream with
those.
Look. If -- if you want him to do the things
that you love,
You may have to learn to do the things that
he loves.
Like what?
Golf?
Yeah. Or marry Cam.
He loves all that gay stuff you want to do.
Claire, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Honey.
We got another box of stuff to give away.
- Really? - Yep! Pop her open.
Okay.
You were so right about the Flowbee, by the
way.
It is great, but I would miss all the gossip
at the salon.
I'm dying to hear
if Natasha's estrogen patch is making a
difference.
I saw her Wednesday. It's not.
Hey, you almost done back there?

Just making some room!
You know what?
I am so happy to do this for you.
I love you way more than my beer making
kit...
Oh, honey.
the wooden tennis racket.
I don't know, the cowboy hat.
The brown one.
What is taking so long?
- All set! - Okay.
I'll see you guys later,
and thank you so much for helping out today.
At your service, Lady Clutterworth. Kiss
on both cheeks.
Bob's your uncle.
Keep waving up high.
Wave up high so she can't look down low.
- Son of a... - Seriously?
Honey, we don't want to give this stuff
away.
We like it.
It's important to us.
How can it be important to you?
You didn't even know it existed
Until I told you to go through the closet
and find it.
That is beside the point!
All of this stuff is packed with meaning!
Really, Phil?
What does this cheap snow globe mean to you?
We got that at a gas station in Florida.
The snowman's melted.
It used to just be funny,
but now it's also a poignant statement on
global warming.
It's a poignant statement on hoarding,
and we are donating it
along with the rest of this junk.
Well, I can't believe you two.
You'll thank me when I'm back at work
and I don't have time
to be picking up after you every two
minutes.
Guess what?
She didn't get my lucky hat.
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1230】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
You should have kept the racket.
Let's just dive in, all right?
- I'm ready! - Good.
- All right, take a swing. - Okay.
Let's see what we're dealing with.
- I get in front here... - Yes, you do.
And then...
One, two, three!
It went so far away.
I am a natural.
No, he is. Your ball is still on the tee.
I am worse than I thought then.
No, no, no, no, no. It's fine.
You just need to remember a few of the
simple fundamentals
that helped me when I was learning, okay?
Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
Just line yourself up in front of the ball.
Now what you want to do is keep
your right thumb on the left side of the
shaft.
- This one? - Yeah, mm-hmm.
And then keep your head down. Okay.
- Okay, and then the left arm straight...
- Okay.
Cup that left wrist.
There was one time when I put the leg and
--
That was not helpful.
But then I feel like I want -- no?
Mm, I don't want you to do that.
- Okay. - Not today.
And then what you're gonna do
is keep the right elbow in front of the body
as you swing up, and then rotate those hips.
One, two, three!
Ay! Mama!
Well, we're getting our money's worth out
of that ball.
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter!
Chickie?
The minute I heard that voice,
all the memories came flooding back --
Hiding eggs in the backyard,
the girls in their dresses,
 Modern.Family.S07E12
Luke in his little blazer, Uh, well, I don't --
Phil in his...bunny suit. I don't know what this thing is.
Happy Easter! - My controls. - Roger that.
Hang on! Hang on, Chickie! That tow bar come loose?
- Mama's coming. - Happy Easter! Well, I don't know.
Hang on. I'm coming. Is...
Baby, I didn't mean to throw you away. - Is this -- is this the tow bar? - Yeah,
- Happy Easter! - Hang on. that's it.
I can hear you. - Oh, ooh! Sorry, my bad. Sorry, sorry. -
I-I -- oh, I don't hate this blouse. No, no,
Happy Easter! That's all right. I got it. I got it.
This feels very weird. Peanut brittle, could this day get any
Well, it looks great. better?
Now hinge your right arm into an L-shape, Get the tow bar off the yoke!
Keep your hands low, No, it's stuck between the seat!
Shift all the weight into the front foot... I can't! Let it go! I got it!
What do I do next? Oh, Gus! Gus!
Fire your golf coach! I hate it when Gloria's right.
No offense, Red. Gus. Stay with us, Gus. Oh, my god. Those
None taken, Bald. cheekbones.
Here. You look like J.F.K. Jr.
Just do what I do. He looks like J.F.K. Jr.!
What, lose all your hair? I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm sorry. I guess I was a little offended. Well, put it on autopilot.
Do you like dancing? - Put it on autopilot! - There is no
Yes, and I am much better autopilot.
doing that than doing this. This is a lawnmower with wings.
Well, this is just like dancing. You fly remote control planes!
Forget everything he said. - Do what you do there! - I crash them!
It's all about the rhythm. Follow me. That's why I buy them all the time!
Swing back. Follow through. I was wrong.
Swing back. I don't want to die this way.
Follow through. I'll settle for a nice, boring death at
Swing back. ground level.
I did it! Well, technically, we will be dying at
You're fired, red. ground level!
Level her off. I got it! I got it! I got it!
Good job. Okay.
You hear that? Flawless. - We're good. - Great.
It makes sense this is second nature. Just so you know
I've logged a lot of remote-control hours. I completely kept my cool through that
Gus, what would you say is harder, whole thing.
R/c or the real thing? Listen, I know it felt great to hit a couple
The real thing. of lucky shots.
Tough call. I hit a whole bucket of lucky shots.
What's rattling back there? But there's a limit to how good you can get

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【1231】-

without learning the proper techniques.
I was trying to show you, but --
- Very good, Lily. - What did you do?
I just told her to forget everything and
feel the music.
Dad, Manny's gonna teach me from now on.
Ay, this is the second time you got fired
today, Red.
One, two, three.
Look, everybody learns in different ways.
My intellectual approach just wasn't right
for Gloria,
and it probably wasn't right for Lily.
It -- it's humbling to admit,
but I'm just too smart to teach.
Be strong. I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
You know, a lot of girls would have tried
to look sexy
to show him what he's missing.
Is there more to that?
No, just trying to figure you out.
Hello, Sanjay.
Or should we call you "Sans-feelings"?
Start over.
You left this at my house.
I was going to just cut it up in tiny little
pieces,
but I thought you should have to
look into the eyes of the person you hurt.
I hope your new little girlfriend is worth
it.
She wasn't. It was a huge mistake.
I'm not used to girls liking me.
Stanford girls are all type "A".
They're very aggressive.
I'm in way over my head.
And that's supposed to make this okay?
No. Nothing's okay.
I'm miserable.
And I miss you every day.
Yeah, right.
- Seriously? - Oh, well, he seems sincere.
I am.
If I could go back in time,
which the laws of physics don't disallow,
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1232】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
I never would have hurt you.
Well, if you believe in the multi-verse,
there currently exists a bubble of
space-time
where you didn't.
I wish we were there.
Oh, my God.
Is this geek foreplay?
'cause I don't understand any of this.
If you were so unhappy, why didn't you
contact me?
I was ashamed and embarrassed.
I came to terms with being alone for the
rest of my life.
I'm home for the weekend,
and my parents aren't even here.
- You're parents aren't home? - That, I
understand.
I'm home!
Hi, Daddy.
There they are.
There's my family.
Come here, you little monkey!
Ay, no. How much money did you lose?
I didn't play golf today.
I took a flying lesson.
Hmm? And how was that?
Uneventful.
Why didn't you tell me about it?
I wanted it to be a surprise.
Oh, well, then I have a surprise for you,
too.
I took a golf lesson.
You're kidding. Why?
To play with you.
That's not gonna happen.
Darlene started playing with Shorty.
She never stops talking.
He had to develop a slice just to get some
alone time.
So what do you want to do?
Fly alone in your little plane?
No. The whole point is to find something
we can do together.
I pictured zipping up to napa for lunch,
Sedona for a sunset dinner.

You fall asleep after every meal.
I am not getting on a plane with you.
That's not true.
You eat a grilled cheese sandwich
and you can barely make it to the couch.
Nothing like a grilled cheese nap.
I don't want you flying around in a little
plane, either.
Well, it's kind of my life's dream,
but if you want me to stop, I'll do it for
you.
I had a bad dream last night.
I think that this retirement thing is
making me very scared.
Join the club.
Just not my country club.
Everything's gonna be okay.
How do you know that?
I don't. But we both spent the day trying
to do something
we thought would make the other one happy
and that's a pretty good start.
I guess we just have to find something
that we have in common,
Like a project to do together!
- Hello? - In a minute. Mommy's thinking.
Where the hell is Clutterworth?
On skid row giving our memories to hobos.
She threw out all my old Vogues.
If I don't know the past, I'm doomed to
re-wear it.
Mom, this time --
Oh, it's just you.
Hey, party people.
Why are you so happy?
Went over to Sanjay's, got a little
closure.
Yeah? Well, some of your clothes are on
inside out.
There you are. You threw out all my
magazines.
Yeah, and if I hadn't been here,
you would have thrown out Sanjay's hoodie
and then I would have never gotten the
chance to return it,
and then he never would have declared his
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1233】-
Modern.Family.S07E12
undying love for me.
That's right. I'm back.
And you took my lucky stick.
I love that stick.
I was holding it when I found my favorite
rock.
Oh, my god.
Please tell me you didn't throw out Rocky.
You're right.
You're all right. I'm a terrible mother.
I'm sorry.
What is happening?
Is it after 5:00 already?
- Hey, you're back. - Dad, something's
wrong.
Mom's apologizing.
No, we checked.
I couldn't save Chickie.
And think about all the others I didn't save
--
Malibu Barbie, Pink Bunny Pillow,
Stretch Armstrong.
Wait. You threw away my Stretch Armstrong?
Yes. It's gone. They are all gone.
Years of stress cleaning has eradicated
a lifetime of precious memories.
Well, what if it hasn't?
Are you suggesting an alternate universe
that parallels reality?
I'm suggesting a storage unit that
parallels the freeway.
Oh, my god.
It's all our old stuff.
Ah! My first bike!
- My Van Gogh project! - My first phone!
Yes, I'll hold for Lizzie McGuire.,
So all of those trips to the donation bin...
I didn't always make it.
- Are you mad? - It's amazing.
See? I'm controlling my woman.
Oh, this is totally back in style.
OH, my god! Twister!
Me, too.
I'm...
It's no...
You just take that nutty energy of yours
 Modern.Family.S07E12
and put it to good use at the office,
and we'll be waiting for you when you get
home.
You know we already claimed all this stuff
on our taxes, right?
There's my girl.
It wasn't easy, but I got it!
Chickie!
Oh, honey.
A little sticky, huh?
Happy Easter!
Oh! Is that really all it says?
I feel like it used to say more.
- Happy Easter! - Mom, stop squeezing it.
- I'm n-- I'm not. I'm not squeezing it.
- Happy Easter!
It's really annoying.
- I'm not doing anything. - Happy Easter!
- So many good memories, though. - Yep.
Happy Easter!
Yeah, I-I really cannot sleep with that
going on all night.
Happy Easter!
- Happy Easter! - Rocky? What's that for?
You know what it's for.
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter!

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1234】-
 Modern.Family.S07E13
jerks.
Modern.Family.S07E13 Oh, my God! That is the best gift ever!
Good morning, Madam President. I don't know where it stops and I begin!
May I introduce you to the Ambassador of Where is it? Where is it?
Java? You know, these cheese cubes keep getting
Oh, thank you. smaller every week.
Because, after all, what is a travel mug I should start saving these to prove my
but a closet for your coffee? point.
And boom, our next promotional giveaway. Wow, am I retired.
Throw on a black turtleneck and some mom It's there!
jeans, It's beautiful!
it's like I'm married to Steve Jobs. A little revealing.
I did hear you banging out e-mails I mean, I get using sex to sell your hot
till all hours last night, sauce.
so the cucumbers in the sandwich can be That's why I wore Jordache jeans in my old
repurposed closet ads.
as lunchtime crow's-feet refreshers. But a little much, isn't it?
Thank you. It's obviously working.
Don't forget we've got drinks later. The store said that they put out
Right. Any specific joke areas I should 100 bottles of my sauce, and half of them
stay away from? are gone!
Oh, no, don't worry about it. Oh, my.
It's mostly just me and the guys talking Auntie Alice!
business. She's a hot-sauce legend.
Hey, you using those spin classes I got you? Her Level Three Sauce
Yeah. I went twice last week. has a picture of a rooster exploding.
You can't tell? I have to go meet her.
Sure, I can. Hey, guys, take a pic.
The best part about taking over my dad's Hey, get out of here! That's my wife!
company -- I am a huge fan.
I am now a powerful white male, and I love I have read your life story on your label
it. a thousand times.
I totally get now why we don't want anyone Is it true that your father crashed his
else pepper truck
to have what we have. into a papaya tree and the legend was born?
Honey, before I take off for work, You're asking me if something's real?
I saw this and I thought of you. I can't believe that that cutout's an
What is it? actual person.
It's a key? Miles?
Yeah, it is. Oh, hey, Jay.
It is a key... Uh, trying to read a text.
but a key to what? They keep the lights in here so low
No! so they don't have to rotate the produce.
No! Don't give me that.
You got me a PhunkeeDuck?! I'm sorry, man.
No more walking for my man. Walking's for I've been lonely since Reynetta left.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1235】-

You're a deacon.
Honey, foot rub.
Pass.
Okay, there it is again!
I'm telling you, something weird is going
on up there.
We're renting our upstairs unit to earn a
little extra cash
and add a little extra tension to our
marriage.
Our current guests registered
as Mr. And Mrs. Wilkerson and Tommy.
I was expecting a nice young couple and
their little boy.
Hello. You --
So, you -- You must be Mr. And Mrs.
Wilkerson?
- That's right. - So you're Tommy?
He is.
Welcome.
Cam, let's help them with their trunk.
No!
No? Okay, well, uh, here is the key.
- Here you are. - Thank you.
Tommy?
Okay, what is that all about?
I mean, three adults?
Why doesn't Tommy have a last name?
Why doesn't Tommy talk? Is he their
captive?
Is Mrs. Wilkerson their captive?
Is the captive in the trunk?
So there has to be a captive?
Lately, we've been getting negative
reviews
- from some of our renters. - Say it.
And they tend to follow the common theme
that the "Bigger one" is "Nosy".
While others say the "Orange fella"
is "Standoffish and cold."
Who says that?
I'm saying it now.
Okay, we need to find out what that is.
Cam, stay out of their business, all right?
If we drop below three stars,
we're gonna be stuck renting to chain
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1236】-
Modern.Family.S07E13
smokers
and pregnant foreigners trying to have
their babies in America.
Mark down the time. I just turned into my
father.
I'm going up.
Cam...
Cam, what are you doing?!
I am checking on our guests.
Hello! Oh, all three of you.
Uh, just stopped by to see if you guys need
some fresh -- fresh towels.
We're fine, thank you.
Uh, yes, you were gonna say something?
You saw that, right?
Mrs. Wilkerson was giving me the distress
signal.
She was like...
Come on.
Cam!
Us again. Just triple-checking
to see if you need some hand soap,
a chance to talk to one of us alone, some
muffins.
Really, we're fine. You don't have to keep
checking.
Help!
She did not say "Help."
So you did hear it.
Hey, Delgado, thank your mom for my new
screen saver.
Will do, Parker.
And speaking of two-dimensional women
who know a thing or two about sauce,
stop by Flanagan's and say hi to your mom
for me.
I know you were bothered by that cutout.
But every teenager gets teased,
and you have to rise above it, so --
- Your mother's in the trunk. - What?
I couldn't stand the ogling and the
selfies,
so I stole it -- for both our sakes.
We're in this together.
How? I didn't steal it.
Oh, I see where this is going.

You complain and complain, I make the
problem go away,
and you had nothing to do with it.
I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any
of this.
Let's not turn on each other. It'll make
us sloppy.
I need your help to get rid of it.
God knows I've already tried.
Son of a...
Son of a...
A lot of cool storage solutions coming out
of Asia, huh?
Yeah, there really are.
But I think you might be even more
interested
in what's been coming out of Cuba.
Is she the best or what?
Shall we, hmm?
Let's do it.
You know what, honey? We are just gonna talk
about work.
Why don't you stay and have another drink,
huh?
Well, you don't have to twist my arm.
What do you say, ladies? Another round of
Sapphire Sins?
Ooh, yes, please.
Phil, you are just so much fun.
Thank you.
Oh, it is so nice to hear those words
come out of a man's mouth.
Tell me about it.
Ever since Kyle got that promotion,
he barely acknowledges me.
Come on, now, I'm sure he knows how lucky
he is.
You have the twins, a spotless house,
killer yoga arms.
This happens all the time --
They get on their track to success,
and you become the invisible housewife.
I don't know about all the time.
Sitting with all those gals, I thought,
"Wow, this is an insane amount of perfume."
"And also, am I on my way"
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1237】-
Modern.Family.S07E13
"to becoming an invisible housewife?"
No way. There'd be signs, right?
Hey, stranger. Been keeping dinner warm for
ya.
Oh, that's nice. I had a steak at the club.
But I wouldn't knock a Scotch out of your
hands.
Sure thing.
Hey, is now an okay time
to go over this list of house stuff?
Let's see.
Don't care, don't care, call a guy, don't
care.
Guess who got the big listing on Westmount
today.
Oh, that's great, sweetie. It'll keep you
busy.
Is that a new bracelet?
Oh, yes, it is.
Jim bought it for me after our last big
fight.
I was on him about taking all those business
trips.
That's what they do.
Throw some new piece of jewelry at you to
keep you happy.
Mm-hmm. Not that I'm complaining.
Right?
Oh, good, Mom's car is gone.
All right. My handsaw is in the garage.
You'll hold her down, I'll cut the head off.
Jay!
My car got a flat tire, so it got towed.
I need a ride to Phil's.
He's helping me finish my sauce website.
Manny, baby, why are you crying?
I'm not.
Ooh, I got another e-mail from the store.
I bet you that I sold another --
What the hell? Somebody stole my cutout.
Stolen? Damn it!
Well, there's no point in replacing it
because it's just gonna get stolen again.
I can't replace it.
It took two weeks
just to get the mechanical arm working

right.
Oh, wait till I catch this rat.
I'm going to make him regret that he was
ever...
Hey, Jay, turn the heater on.
I can hear Manny's teeth chattering.
What is that noise?
I don't hear anything.
What is that thumping noise?
Manny, go check the trunk.
Uh, I don't really feel like getting my
hands dirty, Jay.
Your hands are plenty dirty already, buddy
boy.
Go deal with it.
I am going to find who did this, Jay,
and I'm going to make him hurt.
Every thief makes a mistake.
Gloria, you're letting this get to you.
You know what always calms you down?
Joe's little duck song.
Now, let's -- Let's get that going.
I hate him.
*Quack, quack, quack, join the duck parade*
I want blood!
*Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, watch
them wade*
*Tail up, head down*
*Shake your feathers all around*
*Everybody's smiling at the duck parade*
This grainy security footage is all the
store sent?
I feel like I know him, Phil.
Whoever it is, it looks like they want to
get caught.
He keeps going back for the cheese cubes.
I can't watch this anymore.
- Let's just work on my website, okay? -
Sure.
Phil, I'm late for an appointment with a
client.
Can you do me a favor?
If it's to put flowers in the bathroom, I
already did.
Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Not surprised.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1238】-
Modern.Family.S07E13
Okay, I was supposed to get this client a
bottle of Scotch.
I haven't had time to do it myself.
So can you pick one up and bring it down
to the office?
Whatever you need.
I have to go out for a haircut anyway.
Great.
Except I got a haircut yesterday.
Okay, wow. This kitchen really is a mess,
huh?
I'm off.
Don't.
Excuse me, Gloria.
Apparently, I don't know how to keep a
kitchen clean.
What is that?
Oh, it's just a little hush-up gift
from my powerful wife who thinks she can
take me for granted.
And I'll just hover after her like a little
puppy dog.
You have to stop putting up with it.
They don't mean to ignore you, but it will
only get worse.
One time when I had just married Jay,
I spent a whole day cooking his favorite
dinner.
Beef Wellington and a baked potato with all
the fixin's?
Yes.
And then when he got home, he barely noticed
what I have made.
So I took the emerald pendant that he had
bought me
for the three past dinners that he had
missed
and I threw it at his head.
I told him I don't need fancy things.
I need the respect.
Isn't that an emerald pendant?
It made its way back to me.
But the point is that you have to make a
statement.
You have to give back the hoverboard.
You know what? I hate to admit it, but
 Modern.Family.S07E13
you're right. it up,
Phil? but that sounds like a kit.
This happens. So as soon as I saw them drive off
You just got to let the battery run out. in their windowless murder van, I-I ran
We're out of stamps. I'm heading to the post upstairs.
office. Oh, my God!
Do you need anything? What are you?
No, I'm good. The people are back!
What are you doing? Is this gonna be a daily thing now, Tommy,
Oh, uh, just a little research. losing your phone?
"Wilkersons plus adults Tommy plus Oh, thank God.
mysterious trunk." Wait. Where are you going?
Okay, now try Googling Um, what's up? I'm still getting stamps.
"Irrational meddling plus homosexual." Look to your left.
Okay, Mitchell, what if they're a part of What are you doing?
some weird cult? I'm hiding. They're here.
Remember that "20/20" we watched I came up to see if anything weird was going
where they infiltrated the ritual ceremony on.
and Elizabeth Vargas had to almost Did ya? Were you curious? Gettin' a little
sacrifice a squirrel?, nosy?
I went through the bag they dumped in the Not the time.
trash. What are these creepy things?
Now you're involving our daughter? If these dolls could talk...
I don't know what she's talking about. They'd tell you I dropped one and then their
Okay, you know what? You need to get out head came off.,
of the house. Well, you have to put it back.
Go get the stamps. Maybe they won't notice one of them's
And a hobby. missing.
Okay, well, they're in our home, Yeah, this seems like a casual interest.
and I'm just trying to protect our family. Oh my gosh, here they come.
I don't want to wake up dead. Okay, I'll create a distraction so you can
I can't believe I have to say this to you get back in there.
again. I simply invited them to a complimentary
You cannot wake up and be dead. cocktail hour.
It's an expression! Even possible Satanists enjoy a
It's not. triple-cream Brie
Daddy should not have involved you in his and a crisp Chardonnay.
snooping. So, what brings you all to town?
So you don't want me to tell you what I found We're here for the Chuckled Chums
in here? Convention.
No... I'm sorry, the -- the Chuckled Chums?
Well, of course I looked. They're a line of ceramic figurines.
And inside I found latex gloves, a bottle We're avid collectors.
of bleach, Well, that sounds fun.
heavy-duty tarp. Yeah.
Now, I've never killed anyone and cleaned Every year we gather together with

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1239】-
 Modern.Family.S07E13
like-minded Chum lovers Help me lift this thing.
to share our favorite pieces. Hey, it's working!
Yes? You -- You want to say s-- The best shredder money can buy.
Help! In 2004, our whisper-close hamper
Oh, bless you, darling. technology
You've probably guessed. I'm the figurine got stolen out of the trash, got sold on
restorer. the dark web.
We're so excited. Never again.
Ours is this year's featured collection Oh, no, it's stuck!
because of its size and pristine condition. Hola!
I hope the industrial polisher we brought Hey, you're back early, huh?
wasn't too loud. Yeah, I didn't want to go back to that store
No, we can't hear anything that goes on and get angry again.
upstairs. I just want to relax.
Okay. Yeah.
All right. Manny!
Oh, no. Uh, yes, Mama?
No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! Can you please draw me a bath
No, no! No, no, no! with those fancy bath salts that you have?
Oh, God, no! Oh, I usually save those for spec--
Fortunately, Chuckle Chums Just draw the damn bath.
aren't all that expensive to replace. I'll get you a nice glass of wine to go with
They're mainly just an excuse it.
for lonely people to go outside. - Oh, okay. - Come on, honey,
Point is, we learned our lesson. No more I got a nice Chardonnay out here you're
snooping. gonna like.
Absolutely. Is that Stella?
Although we still don't have an explanation No, definitely not.
for those creaky floorboards in the middle What did you bring?
of the night. Gloria, wait.
Heavy-footed going one way, light coming Gloria, don't be mad.
back. It must have been that old witch, Auntie
Was it Tommy joining his chums for a menage Alice!
a trois, She must have left this as a warning!
then being replaced by Mrs. Wilkerson on Devious.
the couch? Dang it, I got my fingerprints all over it
Okay, you need... help! now.
Son of a bitch. I bet she was the one who gave me that flat
I broke two saw blades on this thing, tire.
and now these miracle shears are no good. Who are you calling?
Guy who sold me these at the front door Who was that?
cut through a horseshoe. She's going to pay.
Hold on. Let's try your shredder. You don't even know it was her.
What's that doing down here anyway? Whatever that was, you got to call it off.
I made an executive decision I know it was her. I saw the evil in her
about some of Joe's lesser artwork. eyes.

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-【1240】-

She probably has cataracts.
Oh, for God's sake, Gloria, I did it.
I stole the cutout.
You?
I didn't love the way those guys were taking
pictures with it.
Jay, but you've never been jealous like
this.
Well, when we first met,
but then I realized it's a full-time job.
I'm sorry.
There's nothing wrong with being
protective of your wife.
It means that you care.
Is something bad happening to that poor
woman?
I don't know details. I let them decide.
They don't like to feel managed.
I'm begging you to make that call!
Auntie Alice spoke at Career Day at my high
school!
Hello?
No, we didn't order flowers.
That's them. Tell them no tulips.
Uh, no tulips.
They hung up.
Good thing that I remembered the code.
Okay, now, my big jealous man,
let's go and have some wine.
I don't know why that cutout bugged me so
much.
I guess probably because I have more time
now to be jealous.
Okay, now, you have more time to take me
upstairs
and show me what those
bad men were doing to me at the store.
I'm getting back to liking retirement.
I told you to say no roses, right?
Tulips!
I'm sure it's fine.
Here's the scotch you asked for.
And also, there's something else.
I'm returning the hoverboard.
Fine. I-I think the receipt was in the box.
Okay. Well, good.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1241】-
Modern.Family.S07E13
Because I can't accept a gift if it's just
a shiny
servo-controlled substitute for respect
and appreciation.
I'm not invisible, Claire.
You married a strong and capable man who
--
Can you help me with this clasp?
Claire?
Honey?
No. Don't cry.
I-I can, uh -- I can keep it if you want.
I-I can't return it anyway. I already
dented it.
No, it's not that. It's -- it's not.
It's just all of this. I'm so stressed.
Phil, I've never been a boss before,
and I am freaking out.
But you've been handled it so well.
I am faking it, Phil. I have no idea what
I'm doing.
I'm just copying my dad --
the steak, the scotch, the cigars.
Do you have any idea how bad the heartburn
is?
But you just got here. Give it a little
time.
There is no time. I'm in charge now.
And I live every day in constant fear
of everyone discovering that I'm a fraud.
Oh, my God, I really am a powerful white
male!
Hey, you are not a fraud.
I haven't had the guts
to sit at my dad's desk since he left.
I still feel like the little girl
who used to play hide-and-seek under it.
Look.
This is your desk now.
You've earned it.
You are not a little girl anymore.
In fact, you're the strongest,
smartest woman I know.
The hardest company in the world to run is
Dunphy Co.,
and you've kept us in business for 22 years.
 Modern.Family.S07E13
I don't worry about you in this job.
I worry about the poor chump who has to
follow you.
Everyone is here for your meeting, Claire.
Knock 'em dead, boss.
Uh, Phil, wait.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you...
for everything.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry if I don't say it more.
Come here.
I guess you want to get rolling on your
meeting.
I'll just duck out.
-Take it. -Thank you.
Claire?
I love you.
Okay, Margaret.
No, no, no, no, no, let me spin!
It's worse if you try to help.
Send them in.
Phil?
Oh, no, not again.
Should we wake him up?
Oh, I read the instructions.
It says not to.
Hello.
What?
Don't worry. I'm a realtor.
I'll be right there.
I have a really early meeting.
I'm on it.
Thank you.

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-【1242】-

Modern.Family.S07E14
Okay, five Newtonian equations down.
Only seven quantum mechanical proofs to go!
We are cooking with C-H-4.
Cooking with gas.
And they're both single, fellas.
Come on, guys. Can't we just have one day
where we respect and support one another?
Hello, family.
There was an incident this morning
at our annual neighborhood block party.
Cam usually provides the entertainment at
these things,
but he had Lily's birthday party, so Phil
volunteered.
Who needs a Fizbo if you can have a Philbo?
What?!
I mean, where does it end?
It's so long! It's comically long,
when you think about it.
Thing is, Phil's terrified of clowns.
Just thought if I was the clown, I wouldn't
be scared.
Like how you can't tickle yourself.
Sebastian, no!
I got this! Sebastian!
Your mom's worried about you, buddy,
even though there's absolutely no reason
to be --
Smell -- oh, God.
S-s-
s-clowns!
Honey.
They were everywhere.
I recognize that I embarrassed the family
this morning,
but I assure you that --
Phil, honey, just come on over here for one
second.
Just a sec.
Honey, you are not the first person to put
on a clown outfit,
walk into a hall of mirrors, and --
I guess what I'm saying
is if you think you need to do something
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1243】-
Modern.Family.S07E14
to make up for that,
don't think that.
No!
Oh, my God, the computer froze!
Daddy to the rescue!
Well, I feel heard.
Yeah, you know what, Dad, I-I think it's
okay.
I just need to do a hard reset --
No, I don't think it's a reset issue.
I think the surge protector just blew.
I am going to plug this bad boy directly
into the wall and..
Oh, my God! You fried my computer!
All of our work is gone!
Honey, calm down. These hard drives are
designed
to withstand temperatures of up --
Oh, my God, it's on fire!
Damn it.
What is wrong?
Huh? Nothing.
You know, I totally forgot some of my Navy
buddies
are meeting downtown later
for a little reunion at O'Brien's pub.
Well, nothing special is happening here
today,
so you have permission to go.
Well, I don't really need your permission.
Why don't you just keep quiet and take yes
for an answer?
Ay, there's my handsome, perfect, amazing
boy!
Still not going on the class trip.
Why are you being such a dummy? Is this
because I --
Mom, I don't want to talk about it.
Why am I the only one in this house
that ever wants to talk about things?!
Ay, papi, what is wrong?
Not now.
Okay, that's it.
If the men in this house don't start talking
to me,
I swear to God that I will make life

miserable
for each and every one of you!
No, not yet.
Oh, don't tell me the power just went out!
My Sleep Number bed is stuck on the nap
setting.
Calm down.
This is exactly why I sprung for a new
generator.
which, you're welcome, just kicked in.
Now, granted, it doesn't power everything.
I had to make some hard choices.
That's it? The bar and the pool table?
The frigerator's black.
Okay, Jay, you're not leaving
until you put power in the important
things.
I swear to God, don't make me more mad than
I already am!
Can't I just do it when I get back?
Would you stop doing that?!
It's Lily's 8th birthday,
and we had a little backyard party planned.
Hot dogs, some balloons --
you know, I mean, we really just threw it
together.
Kind of like my birthday party last year.
Okay, you told me that you did not want me
to do anything --
Anyway, we were all set for a casual kids'
party,
but then Lily got an e-mail.
She's coming! She's coming! She's coming!
Ashley's coming!
Ashley's coming?
Mitchell, Ashley's coming!
Oh, my God! Well, now, wait a minute.
Ashley S. Or Ashley W.?
"W"!
Ashley W.'s coming!
Ashley is the most popular girl in Lily's
class.
I mean, you invite her...
but you never think she's gonna accept.
No. Something must have fallen through, or
--
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1244】-
Modern.Family.S07E14
The point is, she decides who's in and who's
out.
So we had to up our game.
Which was a fun challenge.
Yeah, considering it had been a while
since we'd thrown any sort of fabulous
birthday party.
You begged me not to make a fuss. You said
--
Oh, because that sounds like me, yeah.
All right. Once Sophie boards the bus,
we will be on our way to the Princess Park,
where we will all pick out our princess
costumes!
I think Ashley's having a really good time.
Yeah? How can you tell?
She's still here.
Oh, no! Is it raining?
Not to worry, sweetie. We have parasols.
It worked!
Good. I powered up all your essentials.
Now I'm gonna go meet my buddies.
I see my espresso machine didn't make the
cut,
but I'll manage.
One of the guys I'm meeting was lost at sea
once.
Had to eat a jellyfish.
I'll speak to him of your courage.
So, power's out. Had to come over. Real
quick.
Phil got dressed up as a clown
and then had a panic attack in a hall of
mirrors,
so he's gonna be looking to overcompensate
for a lot,
so please don't indulge in any of his --
- Hey, Jay. - Right here.
I remembered you had a generator.
I'm just gonna upload a few quick files for
Alex.
- Don't ask. - I never do.
I can't open the jar.
Well, lucky for you your uncle --
brother-in-law Phil is here.
And with one mighty twi--

We should be...
good to go.
-No! -No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Dad, stop helping!
Hey, monster.
Hey, you.
Andy and I started out pretty hot and heavy,
but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been
super busy,
so I guess he's feeling neglected,
and he's acting a little cold.
I mean, a chuck on the arm?
What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer?,
Those are people, right?
Ay, there's a puddle!
Stella or Joe.
I'll see you in a couple of hours.
No, no, no, no! Look, it's a leak,
because it's coming through the wall.
Most likely your gutters backed up.
Consider it handled.
Please don't ask me. Please don't ask me.
Luke! To the gutters!
Okay, princesses, your castle awaits!
What gives?
The roads were starting to flood,
so we were hoping to ride out the storm
here.
Yeah, sure.
Also, Dad, we're hoping to keep the
princess theme alive,
so if you could pretend to be a --
- Interested? - No.
Okay.
Ladies, it's costume time! We have...
Costumes!
Belle, we have Elsa, we have Ariel!,
Costumes?
Ew, costumes.
What are we, 5?
Okay.
Uh, okay, so, that's happening.
Hey, Ashley hates the costumes.
You got to think of something else!
- What do we do? - Well, I don't know.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1245】-
Modern.Family.S07E14
Our friends are basically 8-year-old
girls.
What would they want to do?
Dance party!
Yeah? Yeah? Okay. Okay, girls.
Uh, let's get some music started here, huh?
Oh, God, Cam, there's no power.
There's Cam power.
What is that?
Well, had I listened to you and we not
donated to NPR,
we wouldn't have gotten this free emergency
radio
that we then re-gifted to Jay and Gloria.
I wouldn't call $19 a month free, but okay.
All right, let's get a little funk in here,
ladies!
Okay.
Little more funky energy in this thing!
Got to warm up, you know?
Got to get it warmed up!
I don't know what's wrong with me.
This is my butter-churning arm.
Third drawer from the left.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Thank you. What's with the robe?
I had to go outside and cover my
drought-resistant garden.
Timing, right?
Well, anyway, there's no power in my room,
and I wasn't gonna get dressed in the dark,
so...
How crazy is your dad, huh?!
Braving the elements!
Keeping the family dry! That is fur!
What's the plan, Luke?
There are no bad ideas,
but waving a metal shovel around in an
electrical storm
could have a downside,
so let's put it back in the garage, huh?
Whoa, that was close!
Oh, my God! Not again!
Oh, honey, you're gonna be fine.
I can't believe you let him get struck
again!
 Modern.Family.S07E14
Again? Please stop saying that.
Don't worry about it, champ. When I see Luke naked, I am going to tell
I don't even think it hit him. him,
Last time he smelled like aluminum. "Luke, you have a beautiful body".
Last time?! "When"?
Honey, your father and I are trying to talk. Maybe she doesn't think I have a beautiful
Okay, everyone. body.
Don't feel like you have to wait for me to iAy, dios mio! Claire, is this true?
get back. No! Okay, I can't do this.
Jay! I'm -- I'm just gonna go ahead and walk away
The leak is growing! now.
I was just on my way back out. But if a bolt of lightning should strike
- I'll do it. - But -- this house,
Sit! you can send it my way.
That's a silly excuse not to go to your What -- they didn't like the peanut-butter
school trip. sandwiches?
Mom, I've made my decision. No. No one would touch them after Ashley
What's going on here? said,
I could cut the tension with my machete. "Crunchy?"
It's so... nothing. What are you, crazy? She's right there.
I mean Manny got his robe This is ridiculous.
caught in the refrigerator door, Are we really gonna let an 8-year-old
and I may have accidentally seen... dictate this party?
him. You know how peer pressure is.
Oh, you saw. I had an Ashley when I was Lily's age.
Okay. Manny, it's over. She blackballed me from the cafeteria
What happened happened. table,
It's done. and then no one would sit with me.
Okay, good, because I have a problem I had to eat outside with the class rooster.
and I need your help, Claire. And then one day...
Yes. You got it. What is it? Okay, if this ends in another case
Well, Manny doesn't want to go to his school of you almost eating one of your animal
trip friends, I can't.
because there is a rumor But... okay. This is... this is what I'm
that the kids want to go skinny-dipping, gonna do.
and he's self-conscious about his body. If we get Ashley on board,
I'm gonna pretend I don't understand everything else will just fall into place.
why you're including me in this I convince juries that guilty people are
conversation. innocent.
I'm just saying -- I can certainly convince Ashley
You could tell him since you already that our party ideas are dope.
peeped. Yeah, but don't say dope.
I didn't peep. I won't say dope.
Tell him that he has a beautiful body Hey, Ash.
so at least something good comes out of the So, listen.
peeping. Oh, gosh. Oh, good call.

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-【1246】-
 Modern.Family.S07E14
Um, I'm thinking about kicking this party Would it help you to open up if I were to
up a notch, brush your hair?
more grown-up activi... You mean in a hot way?
Uh, I-I-it's still... I got us some wine.
Yeah. Yes, it is. My word. You know what would be better?
Kind of a tweener on sizes. Two cups of soothing green tea
And we always tend to go smaller, don't we? to warm our emotional availability.
I mean, human nature, am I right? Ooh, the places we will go. I'll be right
Anyway, um, a lot of high-school girls back.
are really just falling in love with I hope this doesn't sound conceited,
Pictionary, but everyone wants me.
and I sort of... um, uh... Oh, gosh. I just knew there had to be a rational
Cam bought me this shirt, and I... reason
can't believe I just tried to blame Cam. Andy was rejecting me.
Mitchell, take responsibility -- You eat Beth's Coast Guard uniform.
bread, you billow. I can't believe he's not over her.
Anyway... your shirt is really nice, and She's a size six!
I... Who moved my blocks?!
Yeah. Take the call. Okay, so, Vi equals 367 meters per second,
Nobody. and D equals .00214, so th...
Bye, Ash. Alex, did you know I was struck by
Hey, sexy! lightning?
What's all this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not right now.
Oh, just a little something special for you Maisie, continue.
and I. Uh...I lost it.
I would put those away. So...can we talk about my thing now?
Joe goes crazy if you play with his blocks. Okay, look, you're really hot,
Maybe it's time for us to get a little and under the right circumstances,
crazy. I could see myself making out with you,
Come here. but...
I was afraid of this. But we're trying to re-create
This is why I was trying to slow things down all the work that we lost on the computer
with Haley. this morning, so...
Women are always drawn to me physically Also, every time you open your mouth,
in a very intense way. you let out a cloud of stupid over the
Which often fizzles out entire room.
before we have a chance to connect I don't want to be in here with you losers
emotionally. anyway.
So... And another thing...
Yes? can we circle back to what Maisie just said?
There are so many things about you Get out!
that I just don't know. - Hey. Back already? - Never left.
I feel, in the Book of Haley, I'm only in And now the pool's a centimeter
chapter one. from overflowing right in the house.
Turn the page for me, girl. I got to pump the pool.
What? Wait, wait, wait, wait!

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1247】-

Jay, I want you in that bar,
and I need to feel like a man.
Let me pump your pool.
All right. One hose in the pool, the other
one...
Jay, shh. It's me.
You're right. I'll do it.
No, no, no, no, no. I got it. I got it.
Gloria, I'll be back in a couple hours!
What the... Son of a bitch! Who left the
door open?!
Stella! Stella!
She probably got outside.
Who the hell left the door open?!
Not me!
Nope.
Oh, God.
What have I done?
Stella! Stella?
All set, here, Jay! Working like a charm!
Admit it!
You didn't think I could actually...
Oh, no, no, no. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Wha-- well, Phil had this in his trunk
and I didn't have faith in your "Talk to
Ashley" plan, so...
So you decided to go with Bleeding Clown?
Well, how did your talk with Ashley go?
Is your shirt stapled?
Yea... Don't worry about it.
Okay, I will not have our daughter eat lunch
with a rooster for the next year.
We have a fully-licensed clown right here.
And I defy
any child to not be delighted by that!
A clown.
You don't like clowns?
Please.
You know what?
Shut up, Ashley!
Jay! Jay.
The water is coming inside the house from
the pool!
Of course it is.
Because Phil was supposed to pump it out!
Modern.Family.S07E14
Actually, there's an emergency valve.
At the north end of the pool. I know that
valve.
I'm gonna open that valve.
Haven't you done enough already?
Please! I need this!
And who else would dare to jump
in that pool right now anyway?
Me!
I'm not sure about the rest of you,
but I'm going swimming, in the rain, in my
clothes!
Pool party!
I am not gonna...
Can I come?
Do whatever you want, Ashley.
Yeah.
Is she following? Don't look back.
Everybody stand back!
I opened the valve!
I'm happy for her.
Your husband's outside half naked.
There's still time to go downstairs
and body shame him if you like.
Okay. Let's you and me get this over with.
Okay, you're really putting on mixed
signals here.
Please stop talking. Okay.
Of course you're insecure about your body.
You're a teenager.
It's part of the job description.
But if this whole skinny-dipping thing ever
even happens,
you have nothing to worry about.
- Easy for you to... - You're still talking.
You have nothing to worry about
because nobody's going to be looking at
you,
because all those other kids
are gonna be too preoccupied with their own
insecurities.
But if they do?
You'll be fine.
You're the most confident kid I have ever
met,
and that is always sexy.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1248】-
 Modern.Family.S07E14
Thanks, Claire. Just saying "Hey" hurts, doesn't it?
And if this helps you in any way, Haley!
I've always found you sexy, too. Haley!
Super. Stop! What are you doing?
Stop pouting! You won't kiss me. You won't even touch me.
That's so not you. And then I find Beth's uniform?
Who cares that you dressed up as a clown, So you tell me, okay?
then scared yourself in many mirrors? What do you do with it anyway?
Actually, what's even more embarrassing You -- you -- you sniff it, you snuggle it,
is that I thought if I ran into that fun you put it on a coat rack and dance with
house it?!
and grabbed that kid, I'm sending Beth's things back to her,
everyone would look at me and I got her uniform pressed because I love
like the hero I always wanted to be. my country.
Correction. What's most embarrassing So, y-you and Beth, you...
is everything I've done since then There is no Beth. There's only you.
to try to make up for the first thing. I'm just trying to slow us down a little.
What are you talking about? "Hero"? We kind of started this whole thing off in
You're so much more than that. the middle.
You have flaws. I just want us to catch up emotionally
You fall down a lot. to where we are physically so we don't burn
You frighten yourself. out.
You cannot even open a jar. You cry all the We're not going to burn out.
time. I liked you way before we ever hooked up.
I'm really ready for this to build into a I just want our relationship to be as good
compliment. as our affair.
The point is that you are comfortable with I mean, we never even had a romantic first
yourself, date.
and you make people around you feel I know.
comfortable. Maybe we should wait for the perfect moment
They feel that they can talk to you. so we can start our relationship right.
That's your superpower! Something special and magical, like in the
Pool's drained, leaks are fixed, movies.
generator's running, What do you want me to do,
and I'm meeting my buddies. chase you through an airport?
Why, Jay? Why you have to go out? I think we got it.
It's a hurricane outside! Oh, yeah.
I just do. Come on!
I think you probably loosened it with A damn tree's blocking the street.
the... I need my chainsaw.
Don't. Jay, I know you didn't ask my advice...
Here's your precious uniform! I'm glad you noticed that. I've been stuck
That's Beth's. here all day.
Oh, so you admit you're still in love with Now, I'm going to that bar!
her! The last thing I need's another delay.
What? Where the hell's the chainsaw?!

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1249】-
 Modern.Family.S07E14
It's right there.
I'm not gonna get there, am I?
We don't have to talk about it.
Old Navy buddy of mine, Big Jake, died
today.
Guys in my unit have a tradition
whereas, when one of us goes, the rest of
us,
no matter where we are, find the nearest
Irish pub,
at 7 o'clock, silently toast the fallen.
Started with 10 guys.
Four of us left.
Probably should have told Gloria about it,
but I don't know.
We all went through some rough stuff
together...
Hard to talk about.
Thanks.
Phil.
Why can't we remember this last piece?
We just had it this morning.
Hey, guys. I know you're busy,
but do you think being hit by lightning
can make people smarter?
Get out of here.
Yeah. It's probably just a myth.
There's so much crazy stuff written on the
Internet these days.
Turns out, when they figured it out the
first time,
the formula was in the background of a
selfie I took.
Anyway, if you don't think lightning can
do that,
it must not be true.
After all, you are the smartest people I
know.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1250】-

Modern.Family.S07E15
My super-awesome family
was throwing me a surprise early birthday
party.
I'm guess I'm the only one at home.
How could you do this?! Dad!
You were supposed to be my hero!
You let me down!
Or I forgot to meet the electrician today
to fix our faulty junction box.
Guys, I'm not gonna make excuses.
I've been really busy at work.
Well, I was halfway through straightening
my hair.
And I was in the middle
of doing three weeks' worth of laundry.
And I was actually writing a term paper
right when the lights went out, and...what?
This isn't soda.
Okay, before you guys say anything,
I only put this on because I didn't have
anything --
Well, the problem obviously
self-corrected,
which I knew it would.
Well, I fixed it.
Yeah, mom called a guy.
Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry. I got busy at work,
and --
Oh, honey, don't even worry about it.
I'm just glad the fridge is up and running.
I pre-packed all the lunches for tomorrow.
I didn't want the Brie on the sandwiches
to get runny.
Brie?
Don't tell me any more.
I live for the surprise.
Hey, Mom, I know you're really busy at work,
but --
Sweetheart, I would never use that as an
excuse.
What do you need?
- The cupcakes for the bake sale. - Okay.
Oh, and since we got stuck here,
I couldn't go out and get
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1251】-
Modern.Family.S07E15
that birthday present for my roommate.
Or my dress from the dry cleaners.
Done, done, and done.
- We have the best mom ever. - Hugs!
Okay.
Wait, wait, guys. Guys, Dad's here.
Dad, take a photo of us hugging Mom.
Until now, when I'd screw up on the home
front,
I could always blame work,
but with Claire running a company
and being a better mom than ever,
I could feel the kids downgrading
their whole opinion of me.
I went from an "A" Dad to an "F" Dad.
Fail Dunphy. Phil Dun-fail.
Failip Hum-fail Dun--
No, I had it before.
Say "Brie."
Brie!
Hey, you know what?
I could do some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
You've got that open house.
Honey, I've been juggling work and family
for 22 years
and just juggling for 30.
Well, I really need that dress for an event,
so --
I got it.
Agenda for tomorrow -- One dress,
one set of cupcakes, one present, and
that's it.
I got ya! You thought I forgot.
I will be here to meet the alarm company
at precisely 3:40...
earlier today.
You didn't make enough noise last night?
With all his crying, I didn't sleep four
hours.
I didn't close my eyes.
It was like being back in my village,
watching for the marauders.
I don't know what's more shocking --
You standing watch, or knowing the word
"Marauders."
Please tell me I didn't sob all night
 Modern.Family.S07E15
just 'cause I lost my baby blanket. Michael's
Shh! Don't remind him. He's happy now. or Felix and Jordan's? Yes. Totally weird.
And besides, you didn't even have a Okay, sweetie, here's the kid's table.
blanket. Where is our table? There are no more
We were basically destitute. tables.
What, did you get hit by lightning? Oh, my God.
Thank God that Joe has a playdate. That's us. Number 65.
Vicky's picking us up. Where are our friends?
I'm gonna make him play so hard Not here.
that he's gonna pass out tonight. Are we on some sort of gay blacklist?
Well, I've got a playdate with Johnnie - I'm not sitting there. - You're sitting
Walker, there.
so one of us is passing out tonight. Hello.
Yeah, I know we're out of dog food. Hey, honey.
I'll pick some up after golf. Oh, cupcakes, present, dress.
She could lose a couple of pounds, anyways. I remember. I'm gonna get on that
Thank God you don't have a daughter. just as soon as I'm done with my open house.
The minute that kid falls asleep, I just wanted to clarify, where am I getting
that plane goes Amelia Earhart. the present?
Doesn't this seem a little chintzy? Hang on, Phil.
Yeah, can we go now? I'm in the middle of something.
No, we haven't said hello to the grooms -- Just one second.
Or the talented people who planned this I'm -- it's at the Best Buy. Ask for S-Sean
wedding. -- Stan.
Another great Pepper Saltzman production, It's under "Dunphy".
guys. Thanks, honey.
Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday I don't know how you do it all.
lunch wedding? Love you.
Table five needs more...ketchup. That's a "t"?
I have to hide my face with a coat They say it takes a village to raise a
every time the videographer comes around. family
In the old days, and run a company.
he'd never taken a cheap job like this, Turns out, it just takes
but the gay-wedding business is drying up. one little suck-up from marketing named
We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Ben.
Events, Oh, Claire, I don't know if you heard.
and I haven't been Sherman They moved the Kramer meeting back to 5:00.
since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years - No. - Yeah.
ago. No, I-I have to make a lasagna for Luke's
We've only booked two others in months -- team dinner,
Adam and Michael last weekend but I can't miss that meeting.
and Felix and Jordan next Monday. You know, I know my way around a kitchen.
Monday. My mom's an alcoholic.
Oh, away, you vulture. So I could easily knock out a lasagna for
Cam, do you think it's a little weird -- you.
That we weren't invited to Adam and Ben, you are a lifesaver.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1252】-
 Modern.Family.S07E15
I promise I will not make a habit of it. conversation with.
I kind of made a habit of it. "Family Emergency."
Calm down. "Blah, blah, blah. Gloria Pritchett."
We only cut two classes, And send.
and I'll send an excuse e-mail from your I hate that I have to ask this,
mom's computer. but you didn't type "Blah, blah, blah," did
I can't believe I agreed to ditch with you you?
just 'cause you gave me half your Brie You need to chill...
sandwich. like my girlfriend here.
Although that party-crashing apple slice Nah, I can't enjoy that.
turned out to be a welcome plus-one. I just keep thinking about that girl's
So we can make it official now. father.
I have three gay uncles. Could you please just get that off my mom's
Yeah, I'm -- I'm sorry, Miles. computer?
No, apologize to the guys. Okay. That was your reward for ditching,
It's just, I'm too tired to play golf. but if you don't want to...
Damn it! The dog food! What "Uh-oh"?
Stella, this is your lucky day. Uh, it's frozen.
Gloria makes this Colombian dish What?!
I loved when we were first dating. Oh, my God.
I lied about a lot of things back then. It froze on that?
What the hell are you doing?! Hey. "That" Has a name.
That takes me three days! Here, Stella. Come and get it, girl.
Three days to prepare! Jay, is that you?
And then you say that you love it, Yep.
and you feed it to the dog? Damn it.
What else have you been lying about, Damn it.
Jay Kennedy Pritchett? - Damn it! - Damn it!
No Daddy kisses till Sunday after she eats - I didn't hear you come in. - That's good.
this. Oh, how come you're home so early?
Sorry, Vicky. Too tired for golf.
We have to cancel the playdate. Where's Joe?
Joe fell asleep in the car, and I don't want Upstairs.
to wake him up. I finally got him to sleep.
Okay. She wants to get out.
Thank God that Jay was out playing golf. - I'll take her. - No, no, no. You stay here.
The last time that I left Joe sleeping in - I'll do it. - No, you can't.
the car... I mean, w-we rarely get times like this
Honey, where's Joe? anymore.
Sleeping in the car. Joe's sleeping, Manny is at school.
Are you crazy?! Why don't we go upstairs and --
You don't leave a kid in the car! Take a nap.
Why don't you just put a sign on him Exactly!
saying "Free Coyote Food"?! My mom got picked up by a friend.
I have never seen anyone so mad. We can take her car to the computer store
Even the marauders, you could have a and be back before she gets home.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1253】-
 Modern.Family.S07E15
She left the windows down and the lights Do you have a card?
on. We couldn't help overhearing you
Sometimes, she is so oblivious. talking about you overhearing you
All I had to do was wait for Jay to fall overhearing you.
asleep. Are you really doing gay divorces now? We
Genius. had no idea.
She'd be snoring in minutes. Piece of cake. I was just overhearing you guys
We are so far away from everything. overhearing...
During the last toast, I saw them clink the Good Lord, it's like a game of Princess
glasses Telephone.
before the sound actually reached us. Here is my card, and just to be clear,
Snubbed at this wedding, none of you knew I was doing gay divorces?
not invited to two others... - No. - Oh, interesting.
what could you have possibly done? That's very interesting. Have a good time
Sorry. I said I would switch with you at at the wedding.
dessert. Well, how about this ghoulish profession
Oh, Pepper. Pepper. that no one seems to have a problem with
- Do you have any idea why... - Oh, sorry. except for you?
I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar Look, I'm sorry, but you've always been a
to restock something called...fixin's. little cynical,
If you ever felt anything for me, and I was worried you seeing all these
you'll push me out a window. marriages collapse
You know, Mitchell, m-maybe it's... would push you further in that direction.
Look. I can't have this fight again. No, no, it's the opposite.
I saw you ogling him. Being around all these unhappy couples
Hey, as far as I'm concerned, makes me even more grateful for what we
we never have to have this fight again. have.
Mitchell, stop it. That's so sweet. Are...
- What? - Eavesdropping? are you sure that's not the cash bar
Trolling for business? talking?
You've been doing it Of course not.
ever since you started handling gay You're the best thing that has ever
divorce. happened to me.
It's kind of ghoulish. And you're the best thing that's ever
- Ghoulish? - Yes. happened to me.
I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around. Oh, Cam.
That's it. You're like the Angel of Death Maybe this is why nobody wants us around
of gay marriage. is because we cause an emotional scene
You're like a cat at an old-folks' home, everywhere we go.
who curls up next to somebody about to die. I'm sorry.
They're judging me? I'll never be the son he wants.
Felix and Jordan sell fur. What's to become of us?
Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you Well, now I'm stumped.
overhearing us. Yep. That refrigerates stuff.
Some friends of ours are breaking up, All of them do.
and they need a good divorce lawyer. But you know the saying...

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1254】-

All good open houses must come to an end
by 2:00 on the dot.
Oh, but my mom's still on her way.
She's giving us our down payment.
You knew the rules when you married a
drummer.
Are we keeping you from something?
Not one "beat."
I have an idea.
Why don't we greet your mom
with the smell of fresh-baked cupcakes?
The ingredients are in here.
Will, grab a whisk.
I'll be back before you two are frosting.
I'm on my way to pick it up, Stan.
I'll be there in like 5...
to 45 minutes.
Okay. Cupcakes.
Pres...Oh, no. No.
Damn it.
The cupcakes burned.
Well, it still smells homey.
And it gives Mom a chance
to see how well this state-of-the-art smoke
alarm works!
Come with me, Mom!
Let me show you around the rest of this
dream house!
You see, even ironing is a delight here,
where you can feel a cool breeze
wafting in from the open sliders.
Mother nature!
Huzzah! Your own gift-wrapping room,
just like the rich and famous.
Sheila, finger.
Go right ahead. There we go.
Sorry I'm late, guys, but fear not.
One birthday present.
Wrapped in baby-shower paper.
One crisply pressed dress.
With one big pleat it didn't used to have.
At least we know why you were late.
Looks like you rescued those cupcakes
from a burning bakery.
Don't worry. Mom made those on the off
chance
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1255】-
Modern.Family.S07E15
what everyone knew was gonna happen
happened.
She also bought me that new dress.
Oh, and I hope you kept the receipt,
because Mom bought a backup.
Well, don't be mad at your mom for
underestimating me.
Oh, how could we, when she made us
this fresh hand-churned ice cream?
Yeah. What?
Oh, you know what we should do?
We should send her a picture of us eating
it.
I guess it's a good thing I came home when
I did.
It'd be better if I did it.
You churned ice cream?
Yeah. Did the kids like it?
- They loved it. - Great.
But they know I can't make ice cream.
I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog
after three Bloody Marys.
It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage
for six years.
You've got to dial it way back.
Where is this fear and anger coming from?
You're gonna get us caught!
You knew the risks when we started this.
I'm just saying we're getting a little bit
sloppy.
All the impossible errands, the fancy
sandwiches.
Just slap a little tuna on whole wheat
- for the next couple of days. - What? N--
Just until things cool off.
All right?
I was just trying to make you happy.
You're not gonna stop me, are you?
Coffee cart's only in the lobby until 4:00.
Thank you, Claire.
Thank you.
This is mortifying.
Whoever we ask to fix this
is gonna see what we're watching and think
we're pervs.
Not that guy.

Luke?!
Hi, Marianne.
You're so grown-up now.
Yeah. Uh, this is Manny.
Marianne used to be our babysitter.
Remember when you asked me to marry you?
"I wuv you, Marianne."
Well, nice to meet you. We should get going.
Okay. Bye, guys. Best to your family, okay?
I'd like to see the look on Mawianne's face
if she knew what a degenerate you turned
into.
Next.
I'm here, Kyle.
Hello again.
How can I help?
What are we gonna do? Mom's gonna be home
any minute.
"Hola, papi. Have you seen my computer?"
"Oh, sure, Mom. It's over there,
where that naked girl's entertaining
her school's basketball team."
I'm face-timing Alex.
She'll know what to do.
What's up, Luke?
Computer glitch. The screen's frozen.
- Let me see. - I'd rather not.
So porn.
Well, I just have to finish this paper.
I'll call you in an hour.
Oh, hey there, cutie pie.
Thank you, Alex, but could you please hurry
- and call us back? - I was talk--
She knows I'm forbidden fruit.
I'm sure that's half the appeal.
Jay!
Jay?
How long since you have been up?
Oh, about a minute before you.
Oh, can you do me a favor?
Can you go and look at the laundry?
I think it's done.
Sure, but, honey, I think I slept kind of
weird.
Could you run back upstairs and get me my
heating pad?
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1256】-
Modern.Family.S07E15
Why is Stella going crazy there?
Stella, get out of here!
Hi, there. How's everybody doing?
What's up with Stella?
Where have you two been?
Is that my computer?!
- Don't open that! - Don't open that!
- Is that Joe's plane? - Don't open that!
A lot of unanswered questions here, it
seems like.
Why don't we all just...take a step back?
Nice and easy.
Okay, so...
now I am going to go and take a little walk.
Luke and I have some homework to do
upstairs.
And I'm going... to the little boy's room.
They have taken pictures at every table but
ours.
Because their photographer isn't Diane
Arbus.
Who else would want a record of this Fever
Dream?
Are you gonna finish this?
They didn't budget a staff meal.
It's our own fault we're poor.
When we had money,
we spent it all on drunken sailors.
You mean "like drunken sailors"?
Sure.
Pepper, before you run off again,
why is almost everyone here treating us
like pariahs?
Well, you didn't help yourselves by the
cold way
you declined those last two wedding
invitations.
We didn't get those invitations.
I got the RSVPs myself
to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan.
Just a big "X" In the "Will Not Attend" Box.
No excuse, no gift.
Of course you put people off.
It's just not classy.
How old are these pudding cups?!
Come, carino.

There's a vending machine in the lobby.
If I lie down next to it,
will you push it over on me?
How could we RSVP to wedding invitations
that we never got?
Okay, party people, on your feet.
You guys cool if I take off?
No. Sweetie, what's been going on with you?
You've wanted to leave since we got here.
Hey, y'all coming?
Might as well.
Come on, Lily. Let's go dance.
No! No dancing. It's too embarrassing.
No. You're a good dancer, sweetie.
Not me. You two.
What?
You don't like our dancing? Why?
Why?
You're not good. That's why I hate
weddings.
Wait, Lily, did you RSVP to some weddings
and not tell us?
Yes. Punish me, ground me.
I just can't watch it again.
Oh, you're gonna be punished.
Mitchell, wait. I know how she feels.
Did we really embarrass you that bad?
Well, yeah. I mean, I still love you, but...
Why are your shoulders moving?
Well, we always knew there
would be something you didn't like about
us.
We're just glad that
it's something we're so good at.
If anybody asks, I'm with you.
Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for,
and I'm on my way.
All these errands I have to do for my boss.
I swear, if it wasn't for me,
he'd never get anything.
Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out
how your mom's getting all these things
done by yourself.
When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear
myself think,
it hit me.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1257】-
Modern.Family.S07E15
Could Claire be using an assistant?
I decided to retrace every errand she
allegedly ran today
and time it out.
She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. To 1:30,
leaving her a 90-minute window to buy
Haley's dress,
see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present,
then speed home,
where she could start baking the cupcakes,
drag the churn in from the garage,
churn, wrap, and frost,
leaving her a scant eight minutes at school
pick-up time
to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting.
Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route
were green,
this task would be...
Impossible.
I don't know who made that ice cream,
but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty
bowl
of "Mom's A Big Fake."
Ben, what are you still doing here?
I'm just making sandwiches for the kids.
Don't worry. They'll never know.
I'm using store-brand Gouda and this
domestic mustard.
No, you don't understand.
My husband could be home any minute.
You've got to leave.
What is this?
"Thanks for the advice, Mom. It worked
great."
What advice?
Oh, well, you left your phone on your desk,
and Alex texted when you were in that staff
meeting.
She seemed really upset, so I took care of
it.
It was, like, boy stuff, whatever.
Ben, we got to stop doing this.
No, it's fine. I just said what you would
have said.
But I didn't say anything.
I-I wasn't there for my daughter at all.
 Modern.Family.S07E15
I-I'm so damn busy trying to be the perfect
mom
and -- and the perfect boss,
but I'm outsourcing the one job that means
the most to me,
and I really miss it.
I miss being a mom.
Even if I'm a so-so mom
that barely has time to make a soggy
tuna-fish sandwich, I...
- Then you should get back to that. - Yeah.
And I should get back to the office.
Oh, no. Ben, you don't have to do that.
It's so late.
No, I do.
My mom's got a "date" With her new
boyfriend,
so I'm gonna crash in the showroom.
Thank you.
So, before you open this, I just want to
say
this is not the kind of thing I'm usually
in to.
Let's not.
It's all him, by the way.
No kidding.
Oh, don't show it to me!
Oh, God. Please, tell me it worked.
It worked.
www.rrliuxue.com,,,
Just so you know,
women are not all vacuous nymphomaniacs
looking to seduce every man that crosses
their path.
Bye, you dirty little boy!
Kind of a mixed message right?
I'll talk to her.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1258】-
 Modern.Family.S07E16
I should have told the truth,
Modern.Family.S07E16 but Claire knows I have... a type.
Thank you. It was just a little white lie.
Samples! Ironically.
Excuse me, do I know you? Hey, America!
I don't think so. I didn't see you there.
You look so familiar. Why am I picturing Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay
a bench ad? Talking."
Minor celebrity. Guilty as charged. You know what really gets my goat?
You're the "Accidentes" guy. Goat cheese.
No. No, no, no. It's on everything.
Um, I'm, uh... I hate it.
I'm Mr. Real Estate -- Phil Dunphy. The only thing worse than goat cheese
Oh, right. is eating it at a communal table
I am actually looking for a house right now. with some jerk wearing a hat inside.
Well, if I could be of any service... Have some respect.
I don't -- I don't have any cards. And pull up your pants!,
I'm in my gym clothes. Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty
Oh, I see you earned that hot chocolate. Bell.
Yeah, I rocked a pretty intense Greatest country on the damn planet.
Shake Weights/Power Walk Combo. If, six months ago,
Morning, neighbors. you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet
Saw your daughter yesterday. Boy, she is show,
growing up fast. I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up."
My name is Angie. I used to entertain my staff with jokes and
Here is my number. observations.
If you find any good three-bedrooms in the When I retired,
neighborhood, I started sharing those gems around the
I'd love to see them. house.
Well, I'll call you. I'd love to show them Manny went so nuts for it, he set up the
to you. whole webcast.
I'm not just a pretty face people sit on. Sorry, Internet. He's your problem now.
Forget...I said that. Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags,
Here you go. 'cause I like hashbrowns.
Oh, thanks, honey. But, hey...
Who's Angie? that's just "Jay Talking."
Just a woman I m-met inside. And we're out.
Really? She gave you her number? 90 minutes just flew by.
And dotted her "i" with a little heart? Hey, guys!
Oh, yeah. She's looking for a house. The comments are already rolling in!
Sweet old lady. "Keep it up, Jay."
Don't know why I said that. "You're saying what we're all thinking."
Little overweight. "I miss Chop Suey, too."
No idea where that came from. I love it,
Thick Irish accent. because now everybody gets to see what I
I panicked! live with.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【1259】-

What the hell? This guy again?
Who?
Some meatball named "LadyKiller52"
been dogging me for days.
Look what he wrote.
"Hey, Grandpa, no one cares what you
think."
Are you sure that that's not from Haley?
Here's another one. The same jerk!
"It's weird you don't like goat cheese
when you've got a goat face."
Well, that makes no sense.
What kind of goat eats its own cheese?
Here I am, trying to make America laugh and
think,
and this hockey puck's coming at me with
tired insults.
Okay, I-it's called a troll, Jay.
But you can't let him or anything else
keep you from directing all of your
opinions
into that computer.
You're right, Manny.
It's tough being in the public eye.
Now I know why Sinatra was always punching
guys.
Hola, Claire.
What's going on?
You do a lot of yoga, right?
Ah, I used to.
But all those judgy vegans
with their ponytails and their Lululemon,
I'm like, "Nama-stay home," You know what
I mean?
I just started taking it,
but I think that the instructor is hitting
on me.
- He is. - How do you know?
Because you're you in yoga pants.
Just go to another class.
But this one is perfect.
It's at the same time as Joe's Gymboree,
right next door.
Ay, why don't you come with me today
and tell me if I'm just being crazy?
Sure. Text me the info.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1260】-
Modern.Family.S07E16
Hey, remind her!
And don't forget --
today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking".
He takes on restaurants
that write their menus on blackboards.
I want to feel a menu in my hands!
Hey, girl.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.
What stuff?
I don't know. I just miss you.
We could talk about anything.
How about... Watergate?
were the three most significant ways
Like, what would you say
it changed American politics?
Cite your sources.
I'm not writing your essay.
Okay. See you at Easter.
I'm back.
How'd your showing with Angie-with-a-heart
go?
Oh, fine. Uneventful.
Nondescript.
This shower's really small.
Could you imagine me in here?
Weird thing -- I was with her for two hours,
I couldn't pick her out of a crowd.
Really? That is weird.
Nothing weird about it.
You just said it was weird.
That's weird. Give me a kiss!
What are you up to, buddy?
Writing a paper on President Nixon.
What an idiot.
He had it all and just threw it away
because of some stupid lie.
Well, maybe it came out of his mouth
before he knew what he was saying.
Okay, but then he just kept lying over and
over
and making it worse and worse.
Phil, how old is Angie?
Oh, uh, gosh... 70. Why?
I was thinking about that house on Forsyth.
It's nice but has a lot of stairs.
 Modern.Family.S07E16
No. She's too... fat for that. Claire.
Therefore, I shall resign the presidency Claire.
effective at noon tomorrow. Beautiful.
If only he had told the truth. Like the sunrise in Tanjung Rhu.
He was in too deep! You have a great yoga body. You've done this
Check out what I got! before?
No, thanks. Um, yeah. I mean, it's been a little while,
Thought we could go to the park tomorrow but yeah.
and you could finally learn. Great posture, strong core.
What pavement tastes like? We're going to have fun.
I don't think so. Maybe I've just been stressed lately, but
Well, Lily, when you're ready, it's here I was wrong.
for you. Yoga felt good.
Mitchell, can I, um, speak to you in the We are lifting our hips towards the
bedroom ceiling.
about the, uh, dust ruffle? Very nice, Claire.
Don't worry -- the dust ruffle's leaving. Ra was very supportive.
Okay, why are you doing this? Maybe I just never had the right teacher.
We need Lily to get on this bike. Am I doing it right?
Why are you pushing this so hard? And they validate parking.
She's clearly afraid. Another one?
She's been afraid of a lot of things lately. I've had it with this LadyKiller son of a
Last week, she wouldn't even open her bitch.
closet door He's been lobbing insults all night.
because she thought something scary was in "Hey, dumbbell, I can smell your breath
there. through the Internet."
Could be the denim jumpsuit your mom made They can't do that, right?
her. Jay, take it from a fellow performer --
This is a pivotal moment. If you're going to put yourself out there,
We can't raise a child you need to let the criticism roll off your
who won't ride a bike or get on an airplane back.
or eat mayonnaise. I must say, I was impressed you didn't mope
It's a texture thing. How does egg become for a month
that? after that brutal review of you in "Sound
We are doing this tomorrow. She is getting of Music".
on this bike. What are you talking about? There was no
What's the rush? She's 8 years old. review.
Most Vietnamese kids her age are already There was no school paper that week.
riding a bike to work. Eeeeeexactly. There was no paper that week.
So, where's Mahatma Handsy? Oh, yeah.
I noticed that you have a lot of these yoga What did you do?
puns. I...
I don't think we need any more. I am not going to stand here
Namaste. and let you accuse me of stealing all of
Okay. Now I get the one from before. those papers!
We haven't met. He didn't say that.

第 3 页 共 9 页

-【1261】-

"After seeing Manny Delgado
mangle the role of Captain Von Trapp,
all I can say is "Doe-a-dear Lord, make it
stop.
I am 16 going on antidepressants.
I wanted to climb every mountain and jump
off."
What teacher allowed this?
Hey, Grandpa.
Hi, honey!
Oh, I'm so glad you called.
I've just been having the worst week.
It's been so overwhelming and so much --
You know what helps? A cocktail.
Listen, I've got a situation.
Do you know any computer nerds
that can track someone down on the
Internet?
Yeah, I think I can find a few.
Okay! How exciting is this, Lily?
In no time at all, you're gonna be a bike
rider.
Or a corpse. Okay...
I know you're afraid, and sometimes it's
helpful
if you say exactly what you're afraid of
out loud.
So...?
I'm afraid I'll fall
because I'm not ready and you forced me,
so for the rest of my life, I'll hold it
against you.
And then other times,
it's just best to tamp it down and soldier
on.
I said this when you pried her out of the
car,
and I'll say this again -- she doesn't want
to do this!
She will when she sees how easy it is for
me.
See? Easy as pie!
Okay, look, Lily, if you don't want to do
this --
- I don't want to do this. - Okay.
I'm good!
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1262】-
Modern.Family.S07E16
Um... look. All right. I'm gonna talk to
Daddy.
But just promise me you'll learn someday,
okay?
And that you'll get on a plane.
Why wouldn't I get on a plane? What's wrong
with them?
Nothing. They're safer than cars.
Cars aren't safe?! Oh, my God.
Okay! Look -- here's Daddy.
Here we are, safe and sound!
- What's wrong? -Nothing.
I just think I left the oven on at home after
breakfast,
so we should get going.
Thank God.
No, you had cereal for breakfast.
What's going on?
I wiped out, and I think I broke my arm.
I've never been in so much pain.
Keep smiling.
Got to get you to an ER.
No, don't! No, no!
If Lily sees me hurt, she's never gonna get
on a bike.
You crashed because of that shirtless
jogger, didn't you?
Oh, my God. Right?
Oh, Gloria! I was wondering if you were
gonna be here today.
What are you doing here?
I got to say, I thought I was over yoga,
but yesterday was a real eye-opener.
"Eye" or "Thigh"?
I thought it was a very challenging class,
and I don't really appreciate anything else
you're implying,
'cause you're a little...
I'm what?
Jealous.
Of what? Of him rubbing you
like he was expecting a genie to come out?
Look, you are so used to being the center
of men's attention
that yesterday, it probably bothered you
that I... got some.
 Modern.Family.S07E16
Attention. That's all. Just attention. Can you open these?
That's insane. I am a married woman. 'Course I can.
I am used to getting no attention. Well? Will you?
No, Angie, you're like right around the Uh...sure. Yeah. Now?
corner from me. Let's see here.
Yeah, turn left, walk west, Ooh, you know what?
and I'll see you in front of the hair salon. There's a fun way to open these
All right. See you in a minute. I don't know if I've ever taught you.
Phil? There! Whoopsie-daisy!
No! Bon appetit. Bath time!
What are you guys up to? Okay, so, I got the --
I have a yoga class. What happened here?
And, apparently, Claire does, too. Daddy opened the chips.
What are you doing here? With what -- a snowblower?
Oh, just on my way to show more houses Oh, I wonder what that noise was.
to my fat, Irish client, Angie O'Plasty. I hope Daddy's okay!
I'm going in. - Daddy! - Oh, no!
I will tell Ra that you're here. Looks like you fell and broke your, uh, left
Ra is our yoga instructor. arm.
Oh, she must be great. You're here two days No, Mitchell, I fell. I really fell.
in a row. - Oh, really? - Really.
She is great. Are you okay?
She's a little old. My head hurts. And my arm.
Don't know why I said that. I'm never taking a bath again!
I got to go. Oh, great.
See you black home. Too bad you didn't fall off a stripper pole.
Pretty sure I know why I said that. I-I'm sorry.
This is the most pain I've ever been in in That is the left. Left.
my life. Well, this is the address Alex's nerds gave
And a horse once kicked me into an electric me,
fence. but it's not where I pictured a troll
Well, C-Cam, yeah, you broke your arm. living.
You got to go to the hospital. "After his performance in 'The Sound of
No. Not yet. Music,'"
I'll go in, draw myself a bath, "Christopher Plummer went on to a
pretend to fall and break my arm. distinguished acting career."
In the meantime, go get those painkillers After Delgado's performance, I expect
that they gave you when you twisted your he'll go on
ankle. "to a distinguished plumbing career."
Oh, I think I threw those away. Focus! I need you to film this for my show
Did you? tomorrow.
Or are they in the nightstand next to your By the way, if the punk's under 18, you have
bed to hit him.,
because they go good with a glass of wine? What?! I never agreed to that!
Dad? Pritchett?
Yeah? Earl?,

第 5 页 共 9 页

-【1263】-

You've got to be kidding me.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm here to punch LadyKiller in his fat
face.
I'm sorry. Can we start over? I was on
"Photo."
Go ahead. Any time.
You're pathetic.
I crushed you in the closet game,
and I'm crushing it on the Internet.
Put that rat down, and I'll crush you on
your porch.
Like that is gonna be any more painful than
your stupid rant,
"When did restaurants get so loud?"
I should have known it was you --
all those typos from your stubby fingers.
Watch it. I got my mother's hands.
You also have your mother's mustache.
- Hold this! - Hold this.
That went on for a good 20 seconds.
Why do we keep doing this?!
Who knows?
Isn't it obvious?
You two need each other. It's what drives
you.
The kid is right.
Beating you is half the reason I get out
of bed.
Locking horns.
We made each other better
than I ever thought we could be.
Pushed each other to greatness.
We touched the sky.
We're talking about closets here, right?
Oh, I'm sorry -- You mean the sanctuary
where a man dons his armor in the morning
and takes stock of the battle at night?!
The one thing we all have in common --
presidents to postmen, tycoons to
teachers,
from sea to shining sea!
This is taking a weird turn.
We did kind of bring out the best in each
other,
didn't we?
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1264】-
Modern.Family.S07E16
Why did you have to retire, Pritchett?
I miss the fire.
I guess I miss it, too.
All right, here's something.
What if we do the show together?
What? No!
I'm not gonna let you glom onto my new hit
show!
43 views.
We could do like a -- like a
point/counterpoint kind of thing.
Like I would say something like, uh...
"Let's get rid of pennies," And you would
say...
Of course we should get rid of pennies!
They're annoying to own
and make you feel bad when you throw them
out.
All right, what -- what if I said "I miss
milkmen"?
Who doesn't miss milkmen?
The glass bottle, little bow tie.
What am I, an idiot? I don't miss milkmen?
Okay, well, then you think of something!
I'm not the one auditioning.
Okay.
Here's something that represents my unique
brand of thinking.
When I fly, I like luggage fees.
Me too.
Why should us carry-on folk have to foot
the bill
for those morons who don't know how to
pack?!
Three weeks, I went from Edinburgh to
Warsaw
on two pairs of pants and a tam-o'-shanter.
I'm falling asleep.
- I love naps! - Who doesn't?
This is ridiculous!
The irony that, despite you two being
mortal enemies,
it appears you agree on everything?
No!
It's that this jackass thinks
he can actually bring something new to "Jay

Talking."
Come on! We would be magic!
You already stole one company from me.
You're not getting this.
Okay, fine!
I will start my own show.
I'll call it... "Earls of Wisdom."
Can't wait.
I'll see you in the comments section.
I'll just turn the comments off.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
Then why am I here?!
Really, you don't have to do this.
If I don't drive you to get your keys,
how are you gonna get your car?
Well, thank you.
This is me right here.
Not here. Not here. Two down.
Oh, there's a stomach cramp.
Much better. Uh, right here.
With the mailbox that says "Porterfields"?
Yep. It is a joke that we play with the
mailman. Long story.
I will be right back.
Hello?
Hey, Claire? It's Ra.
The readout said "Ira Burnbaum".
Yeah. Uh, "Ra" is short for "Ira."
Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to
get together,
maybe grab a shower and a movie?
No. No.
Oh, I am...
Ira, I'm a married woman. That's not gonna
happen.
I didn't pick up that energy when I was
planking you.
Phil! What are you doing home?
I lost my car keys. Who were you talking
to?
- Nobody. Why are your pants ripped? - No
reason.
Here they are. See you later!
There you are.
Off we go.
Phil, why didn't you show me this house?
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1265】-
Modern.Family.S07E16
It has everything I want.
I forgot it was for sale.
You're the agent.
I remember -- It's built cheap.
It...looks pretty solid to me.
Well, it's mostly held up by beehives.
Let's go.
Phil, what is going on?
Nothing. Just trying to keep you away from
all that asbestos.
Do you not want me as a neighbor?
Okay.
I-I can't do this anymore. No more lies.
It is related to that.
I did not peg you for a racist.
Wait. No, no, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait. Angie...
It's always the last people you think.
We're done. Goodbye, Phil.
No, Angie! That's not it!
I lied to my wife
because she knows I have a thing for black
women!
Oh, really?
Hey, there!
So, that was Angie O'Hara?
Okay.
Full disclosure...
I did lie.
But only because she's beautiful and you
get a little crazy.
Why the hell did I say that?!
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
You're being so understanding. It's so
unlike you.
Are you secretly mad?
Are you lulling me into a false sense of
security?
Are you gonna do something to me while I'm
asleep?
Phil, you know what really gets my goat?
That you lied.
Guess men are men.
I don't know why I expected anything more.
Hello?

I want to apologize. You were right.
It did bother me that Ra gave you all the
attention.
He's an attractive man, and you're a very
sexy woman.
Of course he put his hands all over you.
- What? - Ra?
It's Phil.
B-Bye-bye!
Claire...
You know what really gets my goat?
Okay, Lily. Let's do this.
Can we just please give this a rest
until you're fully recovered?
No. Mitchell, we're in too deep.
I have a broken arm, and I can't remember
any of my grade-school teachers' names.
Yeah, you've mentioned that four times now.
- Have I really? - Yeah.
All right. Uh, Lily, let's -- let's get on
the bike.
Carefully. Carefully.
One leg at a time over.
Feet on the pedals. Perfect.
And then we start pedaling.
Mitchell, we start pedaling.
Good. Now let go.
- Don't let go! - Okay.
Mitchell, let go.
- I'm not ready. - She's not ready!
Mitchell, sidebar, please.
Okay. Okay. Stopping.
Just put your feet down. Be right back.
What's wrong, Lily? Don't you know how to
ride a bike?
Yeah, Sydney. I'm just showing him how to
teach a kid.
Okay, I'm dragging my feet because I have
a brain injury.
Why are you dragging yours, again?
Because I don't want her to get hurt!
No, see, it's not the worst thing in the
world
that she's actually starting to be
cautious.
She used to fly off of bookcases and jump
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1266】-
Modern.Family.S07E16
off of swing sets,
and now she's trying to protect herself.
And what kind of life is she gonna have
if she's scared of everything?
A life where I don't have to worry about
her.
I get it.
So you're the one that's afraid.
It's dangerous out there.
T-There's so much weird stuff going on in
the world,
and I just... I want her to be safe.
I guess we can wait a couple weeks if she
wants to.
Lily, it's...
Lily?
Lily?
Cam, look!
Oh, my gosh! That's so great!
God, I hope so.
Ohh, everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Miss Tweeddale -- fourth grade.
Mr. Kleezak! Mr. Lundgren!
I'm back!
Oh, my God. I told...
Angie, thank you so much for meeting me.
This is my wife, Claire.
You need to know that my husband
is the furthest thing from a racist.
I love black women.
Maybe a little too much.
So, I told her that you were white,
which is the only reason
I didn't want you living across the street.
I didn't want her to find out that I was
lying.
Is that true?
Sadly, yes.
Well, I am relieved.
Although it is a little offensive to be
reduced to a type.
Of course. I'm sorry.
Hey, babe. Everything okay?
Uh, yeah. Everything's fine.
It's just a big misunderstanding.
 Modern.Family.S07E16
Uh, this is Phil.
And his wife, Claire.
Hello.
Yeah. Apology accepted.
I'm on fire.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1267】-

Modern.Family.S07E17
Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself
on these biscuits and gravy.
They are so tasty,
they make you want to slap your mama.
Am I right, Mitchell?
Sure. If that's a thing, why not?
Bless your hearts.
I'm fuller than a dog tick.
Hey, just because they do it...
It's the least I could do,
since you'uns opened your home to me
for I don't know how many weeks now.
Three.
I just don't get it.
- How could he leave me? - I know.
I'm pretty.
There's nothing I won't let him do in the
b-e-d.
Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater,
aren't ya, huh?
I can't believe I got left.
Left!
So, Pam got left.
Her husband, Bo, took off with half their
stuff
when she was out rounding up dazed piglets
after a twister.
I'm not kidding.
I insisted she stay with us
so I could help build up her confidence
again.
Pam's self-worth has always been
tied to the attention of men.
Which, you know,
maybe isn't the best thing for Lily to
witness.
- What are you talking about? - N-Nothing.
I'm probably just imagining it.
I'm not imagining it.
It could be him!
That could be him, you guys! It could be
him!
Get!
That could be him! It could be him!
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1268】-
Modern.Family.S07E17
It's not him.
Wow, this is more reading than I did
in my three years at a two-year college.
I'm thinking chili dog,
just like Pops -- may he rest in peace --
bought me at my first baseball game.
May I be frank?
We have a wiener.
Oh, that's so weirdly sweet.
And it's so cute how your hair never moves.
It's like a LEGO.
Hey, I know you!
Coachella, dancing on top of my van.
No, I just have one of those faces that --
It's Haley, right?
Haley, would you like to introduce us?
Um, okay.
Andy, my boyfriend, this is...
- Tom. - Tom.
Tom Tom.
Is that Cherokee?
- I should -- - Bye.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I know that you're a little wilder than
I am.
It's one of the reasons I fell for you. It's
exciting.
You don't have to say that.
No, I mean it.
You know what? Let's forget about dinner
and a movie.
Let's do what Wild Haley would do instead.
Honestly, I've been kind of ready
for Wild Haley to chuck her party pumps in
the trash.
Or give them to charity, blah, blah, blah
-- whatever.
But if that's one of the things that Andy
liked about me,
I wasn't gonna shut it down.
Okay, well, we can start
at this western place where I know the
bartender.
If you hang back, I can get us free drinks
all night.
It won't look weird,

you ordering two drinks every time you go
up?
No.
Then let's turn this mother out.
I got pretty lucky
pulling that expression out of my fanny.
I'm not usually so quick with party talk,
but I've always had this fear
that Haley would think I couldn't keep up
with her,
so I just tried to survive the night
and not barf on my dad's old church shirt.
Claire?
Claire?
Claire?
Can we watch the movie now?
- Honey? - Answer him!
Honey, please. I just have to approve this
proposal.
I've been working on it all week.
Oh...my...God.
That's right. Sun never sets on Mama's
empire.
No, remember the travel app we signed up
for
that gives you the last-minute deals?
Three nights in Paris, first-class
airfare,
four-star hotel for basically nothing.
The flight leaves at noon tomorrow.
We have five minutes to answer.
Wait. You're not seriously considering
this, are you?
It's kind of the deal of the century.
Plus, we'd only miss one day of work.
Haley's with Andy. Luke's on a ski trip.
I don't matter.
Oh, sweetie, by the time we got there,
we would be so messed up on the time change,
we would just wander around in, like, a
nauseous fog.
Or you could just force yourselves
to stay up all night tonight,
then sleep on the plane tomorrow,
and then when you land in Paris,
your morning will be Paris' morning.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1269】-
Modern.Family.S07E17
There we go!
Lucky for us, the smart one's home.
It's such a sweet idea,
but I am so tired from work this week.
What is more energizing than springtime in
Paris?
Baguettes baking, mimes miming, skunks in
love.
This is what life is.
- C'est la vie, right? - Nope.
Joie de vivre.
Better.
Look, someday, watching movies on the couch
is the only thing we'll be able to do,
but right now, let's fire a warning shot
right through Father Time's beard
and spend a weekend in the Eternal City.
Rome.
Emerald City.
Seattle or Oz.
She knows where I mean, and the clock's
running!
You really want to do this, don't you?
We'd be back Tuesday with the story of a
lifetime.
Press the orange square.
Pressez-vous le square orange.
Yeah! We're doing it!
Sorry, sleep! You'll have to wait!
We're setting our watches to Paris time,
which is...
Nine hours ahead.
Okay. Okay, it's 9:30 right now...
Oh, my God! 6:30.
How long's it take to get the makeup off?
I got out of Saigon faster.
You like what walks out the door every
morning,
so don't complain about the process.
I got a floor sander in the garage
if it'll open up the bathroom sooner.
Aw, feeling a little put-out, Jay?
It's my bathroom, remember?
Manny, there's no pimple there.
It's the underground kind. I can feel my
heartbeat in it.
 Modern.Family.S07E17
I retired. I needed a little project. It's how I used to eat my marshmallows.
So I decided to redo our master bathroom. I love this guy.
Yeah, if only someone had told you And you're so pretty.
that it was going to be harder and longer It's really good meeting you two.
than it looked on YouTube. Haley, I'll give you 20 bucks to make out
Oh, wait! with Bianca.
If you just followed the simple bathroom 20 bucks?
schedule So, Bianca's a smoker. Didn't love that.
I posted in two places in English and Or the wandering hands.
Spanish... But it's all a part of the Wild Haley
Yes, who does that? experience.
Who puts a schedule up for their family? God!
Uh, don't go in there. No!
I need to get my vanishing cream. I can't 12 seconds! Not bad!
find it. And it was so fun.
Must've worked. That's why I was screaming.
So funny, I forgot to -- Wow, what a night, huh?
What happened to the shower?! Sucks it's so late.
It was finished! Not where we're going.
I started over. I wasn't loving the grout. I know that look -- Vegas!
This is gonna take at least one more week. Come on! You in?
Don't upset yourself. Turtle-y!
No, you are upsetting myself! I love this idea.
And you're gonna go and sleep on the couch. Me too! I was scared we were done.
Are you serious? Let's go.
Fine. That's some tender meats.
What are you doing? I can't sleep when I'm angry. Never could.
That's fresh tar in there. And there's something very wrong with
You really want to smell that all night people who can.
long? What are you doing sending e-mails this
I get to make one decision about this time of night?
bathroom. Really?
The door stays open! You want some company?
Fine. Gloria's just adjusting to me being around
Um, in all the bathroom confusion, more.
instead of my multivitamin, We're on top of each other -- and not in
I may have taken a birth-control pill. a good way.
I think you'll be fine. Oh, fun. I was hoping your sex life would
And anyways, for sure I won't be needing come up.
one tonight! Look, Dad, remodels are tense.
It may be the pill, Half the divorces I do start with a remodel.
but I'm feeling a little attacked right Or an underwear model.
now. Can I get you anything?
Did you drink that while it was still on - You know what a Reuben is? - Yes.
fire? No, you don't.
It's an old habit. This is a Reuben.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1270】-

You grill the bread and the corned beef
separately.
Now, I said "corned beef."
There's no vodka in a martini.
There's no pastrami in a Reuben.
You put 'em together.
Then you have 'kraut, Swiss, Russian.
Axis, neutral, Ally.
That's how you remember.
Got it. Roderigo! Number siete!
What's with people today?
Yeah, it's totally people.
Look, Dad, you get so worked up.
You should try doing this thing that I'm
doing
where I just decide not to let things bother
me.
- Really? - Yep.
That's why you're here alone in the middle
of the night?
It's just a little hard
to get work done at my house right now.
So, once a year,
some sort of pollen is released into the
air,
and for two weeks, Cam has allergy-induced
sleep apnea
and has to use an apparatus in order to help
him breathe.
Is it hideous?
Is what hideous?
I barely even noticed it.
What's challenging is, Pam has the same
condition.
I thought that maybe I could focus
if I could get those contraptions in sync.
Why did you plug it back in?
Charming.
No, unlike you, I didn't engage, and I
avoided a fight.
So all is well on my side of the street.
Mitchell, there's a pile of little orange
hairs
on your keyboard.
You're picking your eyebrows again.
Like you did when I put you in Little
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1271】-
Modern.Family.S07E17
League.
Okay, I am a little stressed.
But it's just 'cause I'm -- I'm buried under
work.
And Cam's sister is the worst influence on
Lily.
But I-I can't yell at her because she's a
sopping mess.
So, you know, who am I supposed to yell at?
My husband, who needs a machine to breathe?
Well, you better find yourself an outlet.
That's why I have scotch and golf and
cigars.
Otherwise, I'd be a raging jackass.
- We're out of rye. - Then bake some!
Can you please not yell at the woman
who's bringing us our food?
I -- our food -- Stop that. That's gross!
It's like a fox ran across the table.
We're out of here.
No, I have work to do.
No, you got to blow off some steam.
O-Okay, this sounds a lot like Little
League.
We better not be going to a batting cage.
You do not want to put a bat in my hands
right now.
Like you could hit me.
Let's go.
Out of that trance! We're going to France!
I can yawn. It's 2:30 in the morning.
Mais non, mademoiselle! It's 11:30 in the
morning.
Thanks for doing these.
Yeah.
- Did I mention that -- - Yes, you did --
that if you wear your sweatpants low
enough,
tonight, I will see London, I will see
France,
and then, yes, I will see your underpants.
Phil!
You're asleep!
Oh, no, no, no!
It's fine. We can take a nap.
Europeans are always napping.
 Modern.Family.S07E17
Actually, that's the worst thing you can Okay, you know what? Let's keep our voices
do. down.
She's right, Claire. Get up. We don't want anyone woken up and proven
Why are you still awake? correct.
I'm too excited to sleep. Give me that.
I'm studying Big Bang nucleosynthesis -- - One more drag! - No. Stop.
well, more specifically What's the worst it's gonna do? Kill me?
the total Baryonic matter in the universe. Stop...it!
Let's go back. Hey, I rolled that!
Dark matter and dark energy Mama!
make up 95% of all of the matter in the -- Mama!
- No! Go away! - Stop! Mama!
We needed help. What?!
And no surprise, first entry on Sorry, sorry. It's you, Papi.
howtostayawake.net -- What's wrong?
coffee. Can you please deal with Joe?
- This did it. - This is all we needed. And also get a therapist?
- You want to rub my feet? - If you rub mine. Mama!
Phil! That is not coming from his bedroom.
The feet! Why'd we do the feet?! Mama!
Second tip -- stay active. Oh, no!
You're asleep! I wanted a glass of water, and I got stuck.
Finally, we found something that worked. Damn it!
For me. Why didn't I close that door so you didn't
No! What the hell?! get stuck
Oh, my nana! like Manny's gerbil in the glue trap?!
What do you say we take a walk and get But you said he ran away.
something to eat? Yes, most of him did.
It is French lunchtime. Take off your slippers.
Sure. It's worth a shot. Oh, yeah, good idea.
Got to do something first. Don't want anything bad to happen to them.
Why?! Okay.
Why would you do that?! Wait! What are you doing?!
Alls I'm saying is, Are you crazy?! They're Florentine
if you're lucky enough to get this boy Ryan leather!
you like, Ay, Manny, that's what we just told you.
you hold on with both hands. We got them in Chinatown.
'Cause once he's gone, you're nothing. Okay, Little Joe.
Okay, you don't really mean that. Let's get you out of there.
I don't know what I mean. Okay, come on!
I'm just a woman running her fool mouth off. Okay. Ay.
Okay, not exactly the message of Now we're gonna burn these pajamas
empowerment with the towel and the slippers.
we'd like to impart to our 21st-century Burn them?
daughter. It's in my hair, too.
What's a Demerol shooter? Okay. I will cut it.

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-【1272】-
 Modern.Family.S07E17
Go. Grab some scissors and run them back I shouldn't have pushed you.
to Mama. I know I said all that stuff about not
I'll get the scissors, Joe! wanting to get old,
I didn't even want him, but...
and I'm the only one keeping him alive. I think I really wanted to go because I miss
Okay, I just have to smooth this out you.
so that Jay doesn't notice anything. Because I've been working so much?
You're really going through Yeah, which is great.
a lot of trouble to hide this from him. I-I really want that for you.
You just don't understand. I-I think I...
This is the first time in a fight I just wanted a little adventure.
that I was 100% right and Jay was 100% But you know what?
wrong. We've had so much fun tonight.
That never happens. When was the last time
And being right is so important? I got to stay up until 5:00 in the morning
Get married and then get back to me. with you?
Ay, no! This is stuck! Come help me! Give me that hand.
Push! What for?
Oh, no! My birthday Rolex! That's to wake me up.
Ay, Manny. And that is for ever forgetting
We'll take the check, please. that you are the best husband.
No! Oh. What's that for?
Thank you so much. For whatever's crawling all over me!
I want to go to sleep so bad, Phil. Oh, no! They're on me, too!
Maybe this will keep you awake. $40 for the hour. Songs are in the book.
Our house cannot be this far. Anyone want a cocktail?
We've been walking for... - You know how to make a Manhattan? - Yes.
We've passed this mattress already. No, you don't. The only Manhattan --
It's fate. He's got it, Dad.
God wants me to sleep. Thank you. Thanks.
Fight it! Fight it, Claire! So, a karaoke bar, huh?
Let me go! You know, it's a little offensive that you
No! No! We're so close! think
I can't let you quit! singing a pop song is gonna solve my
Oh, God. I'm not gonna go to sleep on some problems.
filthy mattress... How gay do you think I am?
Okay. Mitchell!
for long. Madonna!
No. No! Oh! Yeah. Okay.
No, no. I'm sorry. Well, come on!
I'm so tired from work already. When you were stressed out as a kid,
I won't be any fun in Paris. you used to dance and sing Madonna in the
You should go. living room.
Meet someone. I don't care. Fixed you right up.
I just can't do it. I'm sorry. Ah, I'm not surprised.
You know what? Let's not. You think I haven't changed at all in 25

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1273】-

years.
If you were surprised, I wouldn't know it,
since you've plucked out all your eyebrows.
Madonna, Mitchell.
News flash -- I am not singing.
News flash -- yes, you are!
You know what, Dad?
You have been really bossy tonight.
With me, with that waitress.
I-I bet that's why you and Gloria are having
problems.
Yeah.
You miss bossing people around at work,
so now you're doing it at home.
If I admitted there was some truth in that,
could you just give in?
You've been grinding around like Lola
Falana.
I don't know why this is so important to
you.
Can you just let me help you?!
Okay, I'm doing this,
but only because you need it so much.
Come on, girls!
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it.
And it goes something like this.
*Don't go for second best, baby*
*Put your love to the test*
*You know, you know...*
Watching Mitchell, I did feel kind of good
about fixing his problem.
Now, being retired, you don't always feel
useful anymore.
It's probably why I keep tearing up that
bathroom.
I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing to
admit to Gloria.
Eh, it'll probably blow over.
*Express yourself*
Damn it.
*Express yourself*
I knew you'd be up, tossing and turning.
Yes, yes.
Why are you calling from the couch?
Not home. Long story.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1274】-
Modern.Family.S07E17
Look, let me get this out.
I have been going crazy with the bathroom,
but it's not really about the bathroom.
It's about me not being sure who I am
anymore.
You were 100% right.
I love to hear that, but...
No, you were.
Okay. No rush getting home.
We're fine here.
Please, please, please! Come on, black!
18 red.
18 red.
So close.
Gambling is the best!
You hand your hard-earned money to
strangers
and pray it comes back.
I know I've had a lot to drink,
but that is not Bianca anymore, is it?
Nope.
I don't want to believe Clint sold her...
You guys want to get really crazy?
People know where I am.
All-in on one number.
Okay, I guess that's no scarier
than when that glow-stick broke in my
mouth.
Do it.
Andy, that's, like, a month's rent.
Hey, you got to go big or...
Wait -- the black ones aren't $1s?
Really? Okay, could I just...
Sorry, sir. The ball's rolling.
Oh, my gosh.
Andy, what is happening with you?
Why are you doing this?
What are you talking about? I thought you
loved Wild Andy.
No, no.
I love Normal Andy,
tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese Andy.
Still-in-bed-by-11:00 Andy.
Uses-the-word-"Tummy" Andy.
Really? Because I've been doing this whole
thing
 Modern.Family.S07E17
because I was afraid you'd get bored and that I feel like I-I need to share with you.
dump me You deserve the best in life.
if I couldn't keep up. So if the time isn't right, then...move on.
I know you can't keep up. But I'd rather Second best, it's...
slow down. It's never enough.
I like the me I am when I'm with you. You'll do much better, baby, on your own.
Well, I wish you would have told me that Baby.
about a minute ago. On your own.
I can't watch! My God.
The stress is murder on my tummy. You're right.
Aunt Pam's leaving. Yeah.
Pameron Jessica Tucker, where do you think Don't go for second best.
you're going? - Put your love... - It's okay. I fixed her.
Home -- to get down on my knees and beg Bo Madonna fixed her.
to come back. Don't worry. We've got this.
I'm just gonna lie and tell him I'm Take all the time you need.
pregnant. I'm only finishing a 12-hour shift.
No, that is not how mature people handle Do you got a nickel or a dime or anything?
their problems. I don't.
I will fight you. Sorry, but...
You are not going to crawl back to that man. you're gonna have to make change.
You don't have a choice. You know I can take What?!
you. My mom and dad are going to Paris.
Oh, yeah, right. Okay, children informed, passports
Pameron -- No! secured,
Okay, you know what? luggage packed.
You are going to regret that! What am I forgetting?
Oh, now you poked the bear! Oh, yeah.
Well, come on, Mama Bear! Au revoir, Alex!
I'm coming! Next stop, Paradise City.
It's all my fault anyway! Guns and Roses.
I pushed him away!
Because I never listened!
You really want Lily to think women are
weak?!
Get off my daddy!
You're acting this crazy all over a boy?!
Oh, Lily, I'm so happy to hear you say that!
Now, pull Aunt Pameron's bra strap!
Okay. So we moved the couch.
Where were you?
I, uh, I had some work to do.
Me too. Get my man back.
Okay. Okay. All right.
As much as I'd love to leave this alone,
I learned something tonight

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-【1275】-

Modern.Family.S07E18
There is my favorite girl!
I'm so excited about our SPA weekend!
Oh, me too.
If you think of it while you're there,
I'm dangerously low on sunscreen powder.
Powder?
You know, you won't be smirking 10 years
from now
when your face looks like an old apple.
I just got my first perk as C.E.O. Of
Pritchett's Closets.
I finished a big job for a spa,
and as a thank-you,
they sent me a free weekend for two.
Phil's too ticklish for massages, though.
But I am not!
I heard it's the place where all the stars
go
to get hot mud poured into their faces.
I just can't wait to see this one without
makeup.
You do, it will be the last thing that you
will ever see.
I remember my first big perk for a job
well-done.
I had upgraded some closets for guy who
created "ALF".
And six weeks later, I'm watching the show.
There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman
named Jay Pritchett.
I still got it on Betamax.
I remember. You showed it to me on our first
date.
Jay, you ready to watch the, uh, fight
together?
Yep.
Just two of us.
I had the perfect night planned --
alone, pay-per-view boxing --
The pride of Ireland versus a Cuban
sensation.
In the ring and in my bloodstream.
Then Gloria and Mitchell got involved.
Jay, Cam is gonna watch the fight, too.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1276】-
Modern.Family.S07E18
Why don't you two watch it together?
Oh, good, because Cam was just gonna watch
from a bar by himself.
I love it. It's gonna be like you have a
date!
I don't know what it is, but Jay gets
uncomfortable
when it's just the two of us.
And then I get uncomfortable,
and I feel like I have to say something.
Perfect.
Today's Hitler's birthday.
Mitchell, we're going!
Where is Phil? The theater's gonna be
packed.
Honey, your nerd friend is waiting.
Who dare invoke my name?
That's my cue.
It is I, your destroyer!
Lily, you sure you don't want to go to the
movies with us?
Last chance.
What is it about again?
The Defenders of Infinity are heroes
from several different time streams
that make their way into the future without
--
Um, it's not really the future
since the streams have always coexisted.
Don't do that. Don't treat me like I'm a
lobotomorph.
Lily, you don't want to go.
You'll be the only girl in the theater.
All right, you guys should head out.
We would love to.
Oh, and don't worry.
Lily's babysitters have a big night planned
--
puzzles, ping-pong, board games.
Are we still in that "Let Manny win or he
cries" Phase?
No.
We should get going. Are we taking separate
time streams?
Sure, if we want to get there yesterday.
Ah, there's something so relaxing about a

bowl of green apples.
I already forgot all my problems.
Did you hear that?
- What? - Exactly.
We used WhisperQuiet gliders in all the
drawers.
Oh, really cuts down on C.N.
It's industry jargon for "Closet noise."
Does that technology work on people, too?
You're right. I promise -- No more shop
talk.
What is this?
Our smoke alarm went off at home.
I'm sure it's nothing,
but I'm still gonna call Luke just in case.
And it's straight to voicemail.
Hello, Manny. We saw that the smoke alarm
went off.
Are you okay?
Oh, God. Luke's outgoing message
is a long and vaguely sexist rap.
Okay, Papi. Stay perfect!
Everything is okay.
They were baking cookies and they burned
a batch.
All right.
Except our oven isn't working.
Manny would never lie. You know what?
I am gonna call for a Russian masseuse.
Their hands are very strong from wringing
laundry.
Think about it.
They were very eager to get us out of the
house.
They're up to something.
You are too suspicious.
And you are too trusting!
Luke's already been arrested this year.
A few weeks ago, we caught him with beer.
Even that's a better rap.
I'm hearing a lot of Luke's name and none
of Manny.
You don't think Manny's up to the same
things
when you're not paying attention?
You're crazy. Manny hates beer.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1277】-
Modern.Family.S07E18
A fruity Beaujolais then.
You can do whatever you want.
I'm gonna go check on my kid.
I hate how good those gliders are!
I am so excited. I feel like a teenager.
Me too. Although, as Torf the Ancient,
I have seen everything from the Great Star
Explosion
to the Seven Moon Alliance.
Claire was right. No girls.
Phil?
James!
What's up?
I sold this cool cat a house in the hills
last year.
Since then, his bluegrass band has really
taken off.
It's so crazy. We started doing it
ironically,
and before we knew it, we were actually
doing it for real.
That happened to me in the '90s
with saying, "Exsqueeze me."
Well, I assume from your Torf the Ancient
costume,
- and your pale slave getup... - Not a
costume.
hat you guys are here to see "Defenders of
Infinity."
Oh, yeah!
Oh, it is so incredible!
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, if you really want to be blown away,
I've got two special gummy bears you can
have.
Just one for each of us?
Believe me. One is all you need.
I guess we can get more at the concession
stand.
No, they don't sell gummy bears like these
here.
You get extra cool ones from Europe or
something.
Guys, how are you not getting this? It's
pot.
I don't know why, but I've never tried
 Modern.Family.S07E18
marijuana. Voicemail.
No. No, me neither. This rap's hilarious, though.
Th-There was always something stopping me -Call Claire. -She's not home.
-- We're gonna have to check this out.
needing to take care of Lily, No, come on. Those alerts are always
the figure-skating honor code, nothing.
not wanting to accidentally tell everyone Plus... our crime.
in high school I was gay. Listen, we have assigned seats
People never offered it to me, which is and 45 minutes till this kicks in.
weird That gives us plenty of time to Uber home,
because in college, I was kind of a big man make sure everything's fine,
on campus. touch up my veins, and get back.
I founded a major organization -- I'll set an alarm so we know exactly when
the National Association of Responsible it hits.
Cheerleaders. No, you're right. Lily's there. Yes, yes.
- Uh, NARCs. - Yeah. Let's go.
Here. They take 45 minutes to hit, Plus, we're not gonna want to deal with this
so take them now, when we're high and paranoid.
and you'll be good to go when the movie Oh, God.
starts. Do you think the paranoia will be bad?
Okay. So, how's the closet business?
Um, you know, if -- if we ever were gonna - I retired two months ago. - Right. Right.
try this, Uh, getting our carpets cleaned next month.
tonight's kind of the perfect opportunity. Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
I guess you're right. Hernandez has this fight in the bag.
No kids. I'm wearing Velcro sneakers. Yeah, it's gonna be such a cakewalk.
Should we? He shouldn't even be getting paid for it.
I've always wanted to know what it would Can you believe these guys?
be like. No disrespect, but if O'Brien's even
Plus, I went to the gym today. halfway sober,
I deserve a sweet. he takes Hernandez apart.
- Let's do it. - Okay. Yeah, he's got a better reach, better jab,
I'm shaking. Thank you. and I haven't seen feet that fast since
- Cheers. - Cheersies. Riverdance.
Chew smaller. You guys seem pretty confident.
'Sup? Uh, care to make a friendly $10 bet?
Oh, my God. We'll take it. Easiest money I ever made.
I cannot believe we're doing this. This is You're crazy. O'Brien is a mook.
so exciting. Well, Hernandez is a palooka.
Oh, God. I knew this was a horrible mistake. I'd rather be a palooka than a mook.
I just got an alert. Our smoke alarm when Well, that's a lot of talk coming from a
off! couple jabronis.
It's not coming up. Cam, calm down. We're just having fun here.
Okay, okay. Really? That's -- That's the line?
Relax. I'm gonna -- I'm gonna call Luke, What happened?
- find out what's up. - Yeah. Damn it! O'Brien knocked him out!

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1278】-

Already? We missed the whole thing!
We're backed up in the kitchen.
Sorry, guys. Your food's gonna be a while.
I thought about leaving,
but I didn't want to make Jay feel bad.
I had a sandwich coming.
I told you. Nothing!
A little too much nothing, if you ask me.
What are you guys doing here?
I forgot my slippers.
Doesn't the hotel have slippers?
I'll be asking the questions.
How did you manage to burn chocolate-chip
cookies
in an oven that doesn't work?
Oh, Manny meant pancakes.
We're making chocolate-chip pancakes.
You see? Now, let's go.
Somebody named Olga should be salting me
like a pretzel!
Is everything okay?
Oh, yes. It was just a false alarm.
Well, then we should probably get back to
the theater.
Those pre-movie trivia questions
aren't gonna answer themselves, are they?
- Actually, they do. - Wait a minute!
What the hell is going on...
here, huh?
I smell cheap beer. Someone's been having
a party.
Claire, you're just being crazy.
Take a look around! Nothing is going on!
There is no party!
Everyone just be cool!
See that story about the one-armed golfer?
No.
Yeah, well, it's this guy and he's...
Well, I guess that's it. He's -- He's a
one-armed golfer.
How backed up is that kitchen?!
These guys!
Hey, you rascals. Get over here.
We're on our way out.
No! Don't you want a chance to win your
money back?
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1279】-
Modern.Family.S07E18
It's 5 bucks each. We're good.
No! Come on!
It'll be fun.
Dude, you're hurting my arm.
No, a game of foosball, double or nothing.
- I don't think -- - You're on! Let's go!
Phil, uh, how long do we have?
17 minutes.
Till the movie, is what we're talking
about.
We're just two guys seeing a movie.
No one's leaving here until we get to the
bottom of this.
Oh, my God. Somebody give me a back rub!
Manny! Luke! Get in here!
You guys go search the house. Find
something suspicious.
Is this gonna be like loading the
dishwasher?
First I load it, then you reload it?
Wouldn't it be faster if you actually...
Phil, go!
What's so important?
I'm sitting for my portrait.
Oh, knock it off. I know you two threw a
party.
I don't "throw" a party, Claire.
It's true. He can't throw anything.
And if I were hosting an event,
where did I put the ice sculpture?
Where did I stash the hors d'oeuvres?
Where did I hide the jazz trio?
Good question,
considering you couldn't even hide... the
Solo.
Nice wordplay, Mom,
but that cup's been there for like three
days.
I didn't want to say anything
'cause I thought it was yours.
Yeah. It was bold.
But those kids upstairs weren't gonna stay
quiet forever.
I was one dead phone battery away from a
conversation breaking out.
Sure, throwing a party was a risk,
 Modern.Family.S07E18
but two hot exchange students just started Is that your watch alarm?
at our school. We have to get out of here!
Best part is, they don't understand I do not want to be high in front of Claire!
just how uncool we are. Wait.
Yet. I think I'm feeling something.
So, we were walking down the hallway Oh, no.
when we stopped by the locker -- What are you feeling?
Ohh, pizza day. Nice.
That's our personal trainer. Oh, God.
He hates it when we eat carbs. Are you feeling anything?
We had a short window. No.
We needed to impress them fast. Then why are you leaning like that?
So, we bribed Lily with all the soda she I'm not leaning.
could drink Maybe you're leaning so it looks like I'm
and threw a party. leaning.
It was going great until someone set off Oh, yeah. You're right.
the alarm Phil, what are you doing?
because he just had to smoke his dorky pipe. Still searching!
Dorky? Anything suspicious?
Yeah, because Hugh Hefner doesn't get Say nothing.
girls., Okay.
I love you, too, Mommy. Phil?
All clear, party people! Answer her!
I told her we were baking cookies. You said "Say nothing."
Dude, our oven's broken. - I mean say the word "Nothing." - Word.
My mom's definitely gonna get suspicious Nothing!
and check on us. - That was so good. - Thanks, man.
That means my mom's coming, too. Okay, Phillip. Focus.
I'll get everyone to leave, We have to finish searching this house
you get rid of the beer and your idea of before we start acting weird or...
a spread. Nothing!
Wait. We're not giving up yet. That was so great.
The beer pong tournament just started, Yeah, I learned from the best.
the girls are laughing at all of our jokes, Come on, you jerk. Get in there, you son
and they think we're friends with guys like of a bitch!
Tommy Cutahee. Oh, yeah, baby. Here we go.
Great party, Lewis. That's what your sister said last night
Thanks, Tommy. when I was banging her.
From now on, I'm Lewis. What?! Aw, damn it, Vic!
We're going to get caught if we do nothing. Cam was banging Vic's sister.
What if we hide everyone long enough Classic!
for my mom to check on us and then leave? Oh, just hit it already.
It's not worth it. That's what your sister said to Cam last
Guys, when do we play Seven Hours in Heaven? night when he was banging her.
Moving the party upstairs, people! Did I do it?
Okay. No one's here. You're so good!

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1280】-
 Modern.Family.S07E18
Yes! I don't think we can hide our crime!
Manny, Manny...Manny. Well, then what if we don't tell her?
How did we get here? Does -- Does that make us bad parents?
You're a good kid. Or are we bad parents,
You didn't have anything to do with this. because we're punishing our kids while we
You were in the wrong place at the wrong are high?
time. We're bad parents either way!
Am I right? This is a nightmare.
But someone's going down for this. - Oh, hey, guys. - Hey, cupcake!
You think it'll be the white kid? Do I call her "Cupcake"?
Claire! Don't worry, I'll make it normal.
What are you doing? What's going on, cupcake?
I am trying to get to the truth. Are you guys okay?
The only way I'm gonna find out what really Yeah. Yeah, we're okay. Why wouldn't we be
happened here okay?
is to get those two clowns to turn on each Cupcake.
other. I was so drunk, I thought they were stoned.
Nothing happened here! Luke...Luke...Luke.
And even if it had, Keeping a secret like this is tough --
Manny's not gonna rat out his best friend! eats away at a man's soul.
I think I'm gonna take the deal. Mom, I have one question --
No! Why do you hate yourself?
You cave, we don't stand a chance What?
with those exchange students. You have one night in a spa to be massaged
Those girls don't respect weak, little and pampered,
nerds but you're here.
afraid of being punished by their mommies. Why don't you think you deserve happiness?
They've lived through wars. That's the mystery I'm interested in
They're from Portugal! solving today.
I heard something. What is that?
Did you hear something? That is the sound of a party, Gloria, huh?
No. Ay, Manny!
Am I screaming right now? Tomorrow's gonna be one awkward mother/son
No. mambo class.
Stay cool. We're almost out of here. Next up, I paddle your mother.
All clear. - Dad. - Claire!
Let's just check Luke's room. Hey, this is my actual daughter.
Then we can tell Claire we didn't find You came up a few times tonight.
anything. So has my "wife."
Okay, there's two ways we can play this. What are you doing here?
Okay. We ran out of games to bet on at the bar.
Okay, if we tell Claire about those kids, Claire...there's something we have to tell
we're gonna have to stay here and punish you.
Manny What did we decide to do again?
and the, uh -- the other one. We, uh...
That's no good! We're g-- We're gonna need a minute.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1281】-

I told you there was nothing going on with
the boys.
You're right.
Boys, I apologize.
We can confirm that there's nothing
suspicious anywhere.
Sorry about your table, Lewis.
I have another party.
Oh, I knew it!
I knew these two were up to something.
What do you think about your precious Manny
now, huh?
I am sure it was Luke's idea!
But do not give up on him yet.
I know that there is a camp up in the
mountains
where you can send bad kids.
No, it was my idea, too.
I'm the one who set off the smoke alarm.
I'm the one who bribed Lily with soda.
I'm the one who put a red light bulb in the
laundry room
to give it a sexy vibe.
You've got to stop thinking of me as your
perfect little boy.
Honey.
- There's a party upstairs. - Party
upstairs.
I cannot believe that my baby lied to me.
I cannot believe my baby accepted a bribe.
I'd be more concerned with how natural she
is
- with that bottle in her hands. - Okay.
I shouldn't trust my kid so much.
I have to be more like Claire and not trust
anybody.
I didn't want to be right, but I am.
So here we are.
At least we still have Alex.
You guys don't have any good kids,
so who's the bad parent now, huh?
- Nobody. - Phil, no, don't.
No, no. I got this.
Claire, I know why you're always worried.
Because you don't know what's going to
happen.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1282】-
Modern.Family.S07E18
It's called fear of the future,
or "Fof" Or "Fotf."
But spoiler alert -- It's gonna be great.
Guys, I have two words for you --
think about time travel.
If you could go forward in time and turn
around
and look at this moment, we would say,
"This is all super chill."
Our kids are good people.
They turn out great.
- Phil's right. - Really?
Oh, t-then here's something, too.
When I was younger, I never thought I would
be here.
And here I am.
What the hell does that mean?
Oh, God.
Look, you got to relax.
They're going to be fine.
People have a way of surprising you.
Yes, you see, we had our own journey tonight
--
an unlikely duo thrust together.
Not your moment, Cam.
Oh, right. I'll send a group e-mail.
Honey, don't worry.
You're better parents than Dede and I ever
were,
and you turned out all right.
Thanks, Dad.
But what do we do now?
Are we just supposed to let these kids off
the hook
because we were as bad as they are?
No. We'll be hypocrites.
Like all parents!
Luke! Manny!
Get your asses in here!
Also, am I the only one that sees
that these two idiots are high as kites?
Mitchell?
Oh, my God. She is still going.
How much soda did she have?
You know, when you and Mitchell first got
together,
 Modern.Family.S07E18
you used to ask me to do a lot of stuff.
I was new to the family, and I --
I really wanted you to like me.
But I always seemed to be too much, too
demonstrative,
too dramatic... so I stopped.
Well, I had fun tonight.
I wouldn't mind if you still
chased me a little bit sometimes.
Oh, Jay. Get in here.
It's going too fast.
I'm -- I'm sorry. Baby steps.
No, the treadmill's about to launch her
through the drywall.
Lily.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1283】-

Modern.Family.S07E19
That staycation beard's really taking
shape, dad.
It's starting to trap food.
Yep.
It's gone from itchin' to bitchin'.
And you're still rocking the sweats.
Every day this week.
Same underwear?
What underwear?
Hold that thought.
Do I have to?
Mayor's office. City of Phila-Dunphy-a.
I'm sorry. I just got done.
My computer crashed,
and we got four pallets of hinges from
Taiwan
with faulty riveting.
At least your story's riveting.
It's clever. I'll tell you later.
Hey, why is the minivan in the driveway?
You parked me in this morning.
I was running late for a meeting,
so I just took Haley's Corolla.
Fun.
It would be if it didn't smell like
the inside of Bob Marley's laundry hamper.
Anyway, I've got a bunch more calls to make.
I'm not gonna have time to cook tonight.
We could go out.
There's that new restaurant -- Sliders.
The gimmick is they built it on a slant,
and the waiters all wear socks.
That doesn't sound good at all.
Can you just order something?
Yeah, you got it.
Great.
What are you doing?
Run away, little dog.
Fine. Go around you.
You're not gonna move.
'Cause I'm not stopping for you.
I'm stopping for you.
Damn.
Move it!
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1284】-
Modern.Family.S07E19
Seriously?
Don't forget you have to watch Joe while
we have company.
Again?
Yes, again.
What is the problem?
He always wants to watch his show
"Mystery Kidz," With a "Z."
It's insufferable.
Now you know what I felt
when I had to watch your favorite show.
"Masterpiece Theater"?
It was hosted by a creepy puppet.
That was Alan Cumming.
Ay, Jay, you have to add two more chairs.
For who?
It's us, the McClouds, and the Sharps.
I also invited my friend Dana and her
husband, Reece.
Reece? Who's Reece?
I just told you. Dana's husband.
I met her at the PTA lunch,
and she's the only woman in the
anti-bullying campaign
that I don't want to punch in the face.
Why would I want these people in my house
messing up my poker game?
Maybe you'll meet new friends.
We've been over this before. I don't want
any new friends.
I have the exact-right number of friends.
Jay, your friends have been around
since before the movies could talk.
I don't think it's the worst idea
to start getting some backups.
Hey, Daddy, what's a lowest common
denominator?
- Reality TV. - That's hilarious,
but I've got a quiz tomorrow.
What is that noise?
Let me remind you that it's been weeks
since we've had a tenant up there.
So you rented it to a rock band?
A Christian rock band.
Oh, good. Okay, so they're noisy and
judge-y.

Shame on you and your narrow, big-city
attitude.
I've known many accepting people of faith.
And I've been chased into a lake.
So I guess we're both entitled to our
opinion.
No!
Absolutely not.
Come in.
This is Mitchell, and the music sounds
great.
Just wondering if you could turn it down
a-a skosh.
Yeah, of course. We're sorry.
Just giving the guy upstairs a taste of our
new song.
He means God.
Really? There's no third floor I don't know
about?
We love the place, by the way.
It's just scrumptious.
Good! Good!
So, you guys are a Christian rock band?
Water to Wine. Yeah, that's us.
Well, I hope you're not expecting
to bring all your groupies back here.
Don't worry.
The Soldiers of the Lamb Church
forbids premarital relations.
Of course. But I can think of a few ladies
I wouldn't mind multiplying with
after our elders give us their blessings.
I heard that.
We love girls!
As long as you guys are here, I need an
outsider's opinion.
I'm working on a song,
but these guys think it's too soft.
Do you mind?
Lay it on us, bro.
*Hiding for so long*
*The real me, I don't belong*
*I'm not myself, I never was*
*I cry at night and all because*
*I'm trapped on a secret path*
*I need a holy bath*
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1285】-
Modern.Family.S07E19
*To wash away the sins I hide*
*To douse the fire I feel inside*
Aw, dang it, Dex, you're bumming me out!
Calm down, Coop.
Just 'cause we're in the city
doesn't mean we got to talk like it.
I'm so sorry.
You know what, Dex, I like that song.
Yeah. What's the title?
I call it "A Cry for Help."
- Did you hear that? -Yeah, I'm standing
right here.
You're back again?
Missed you, too.
Sanjay's home this weekend.
It's kind of a big day for us -- our first
anniversary.
Look what I got him.
It's a hadrosaur metacarpal
for his dinosaur bone collection.
Too much?
Well, what's the equivalent gift if you
guys were normal?
Like, a Starbucks card or a Rolex?
Kind of like a really nice microscope.
You're not helping.
I thought the gift for a first nerd
anniversary was inhaler.
Where's your dad?
Upstairs. Why?
You got us a dog?!
No, no! It's a stray,
and we are not keeping him.
Be quiet.
Your dad cannot know he's here.
If he sees him, he'll get all attached,
and there's no getting rid of it.
Oh, it'll be like Luke all over again.
At least they were married when they had
me.
You ruined mom's life.
Stop. I am now very happy I have all of you.
But I just can't take care of another living
creature.
Then why'd you bring it home?
I couldn't leave it in the street.
 Modern.Family.S07E19
Claire, is that you? Gloria tells me you're the Kings' dentist.
Take care of it. Well, when you say it like that, it sounds
I'm not gonna kill a dog. so hoity-toity.
Hide it in your room. Why don't we crack that open?
Is that what I think it is? And do you have any Cohiba Robustos?
Uh, no. Oh, I wish, but, you know, they're
Yeah, pizza's here. impossible to find.
How you doing? Well, look at that.
What was that? I just found two.
I'm the pizza monster! Okay, the guy wasn't all bad,
It's this new character I'm doing. but I couldn't let Gloria know
I love it. I really love it. or it would open the door for a whole bunch
I didn't really love it. of new things
It felt a little close to my Chicken Pot I don't want to do --
Pirate. Trendy restaurants,
It's a mystery. movies about how women feel about crap.
Who's that? And who needs it?
Noni. She can be invisible. As if this week wasn't bad enough,
Who's that? now my hardware supplier in Brussels is
Gogo. flip-flopping.
He can jump off of buildings. Sounds like you're dealing with a real
This is the most unrealistic show I've ever Belgian waffle.
seen. Is that a dog?
Who's that? What? No.
Yes, great. I will open the gate. That sounds like a dog.
Reece. Probably can't even work a gate. You will do anything
Maybe you'll like him. to avoid hearing me talk about work, won't
He's the Kings' dentist. you?
Well, hoity-toity. I'm the emperor's I'm -- I'm just gonna go cool off downstairs.
closet maker. Yep.
The L.A. Kings hockey team., Honey?
Kings' dentist. Why does he say it like She is right.
that? Sometimes I don't listen.
What, is he trying to be all fancy? That's what she said, right? I don't
He didn't say anything. I said it. listen?
- Hello. - Hi. Did you get out?
Dana, Reece, this is my husband, Jay. Oh, come on, now.
- Hi, Reece. How are you? - Hey, Jay. Honey?
Dana, come with me to the kitchen Sweetheart?
while the boys get to know each other. I am so sorry.
All right. It's fine, Phil, really. Just go back to
Did you hear they're thinking bed.
of eliminating cursive at the school? I just... need some time to myself.
All of it, or just the "F" Word? Y-You know I cry when you cry.
I brought you some Scotch. I'll be upstairs.
That's quite a bottle. Thank you. You okay?

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1286】-

It's just -- It's been a lot.
I love you.
Hey, Dex. How are you?
You okay?
Yeah, I was just admiring your garden.
Hey, come on in.
So, uh, where is the rest of the gang?
Oh, they're out on a prayer jog.
It's not really my thing.
Is -- Is that something that happens a lot
where -- where you feel different?
Hi, Dex.
Hey, Mitchell.
Can I have you help me over here for just
a second?
Uh, okay.
What are you doing?
He was clearly reaching out.
He was admiring our garden.
Nobody admires our garden.
It's a dead cactus with a grocery bag stuck
to it.
What is going on with you?
You're the one who never wants
to get involved in people's lives.
Don't you see?
He feels trapped by those guys.
Oh, the big, bad Bible thumpers?
Here we go again.
I'm just saying you could read his song
"A Cry for Help"
as a cry for help.
Mitchell, I'm sorry you got chased into a
lake,
but some of the kindest, most loving,
generous people I've ever known were
churchgoers.
Just...
Come --
Hey, Dex, do you mind if I make a personal
observation?
If it's about my hips, blame my mother.
No, no.
It's -- It's about the song that you sang
yesterday.
It seemed like you were trying to express
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1287】-
Modern.Family.S07E19
something --
some feelings you might be having
that you think might not be met with
approval
from your..."community."
Or it's just a song.
Has nothing to do with his personal
situation.
No, it does.
I'm -- I'm sorry. Your pain is real.
I just feel so guilty.
I know people will be disappointed.
No, no, don't feel guilty.
Look, the first step is to say it out loud.
I don't want to be a drummer.
Okay, now say the other thing.
I don't want to be in a band anymore.
I miss home.
I miss my girlfriend.
- I'm sorry. Whoa. What? - I'm sorry. Your
what?
It's like a weight has been lifted.
Thank you so much, guys.
You know, I was just gonna stay inside
today,
but I'm really glad I came out.
He doesn't get to say that.
Oh, hey, Joe.
Uh, there's a new "Mystery Kidz" on.
No, thanks.
"No, thanks"?
Aren't you curious who stole Poco's magic
wings?
Not really.
But everyone's a suspect.
The watchmaker hates Poco,
and Mayor Pudding would do anything to stay
in office.
How could you not want to see what happens?
Hello?
Uh, yes. Hold on.
Jay, it's Reece.
You see, Gloria?
Now he's calling me.
This is what I was afraid of.
He called.

My new friend called.
He's taking me to a hockey game.
Great.
Now I'm stuck going to some boring charity
event with Reece.
You see what your mom got me into?
Jay, come on. Keep an open mind.
All we're saying is give Reece a chance.
Rex.
Scooby.
Clifford.
What are you doing?
Trying to figure out his name.
What about Dad?
Here, Dad.
Nope.
You do not need to figure out his name
because we're going to put these fliers
up,,
and someone's gonna call.
What happened to the dinosaur bone I got
for Sanjay?
I saw Snoop...
burying something in the backyard.
And you didn't do anything?
I opened the door for him.
That bone lasted 65 million years,
and it can't even last one day in this
house?!
- Claire. - Oh, my God, your father!
The dog -- outside! Outside! Outside!
Yeah, honey?
Sweetheart, about last night.
Because I didn't listen with these two
ears...
Yes.
I want to apologize with these tu-lips.
Oh, that is very -- That's so sweet of you.
Thank you, baby.
Great. Oh, is that a tortilla chip right
there?
Yeah --
Hola, amigo from yesterday.
You're not gonna eat that, are you?
No, that would be disgusting.
What are these?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1288】-
Modern.Family.S07E19
Oh, that's a -- It's a...
It's a protein snack.
You don't have to eat that if you don't like
it.
No.
I like it. Good.
It's -- It's liver-y.
You take such good care of us.
Thanks, honey.
We should get those flowers in a a vase.
No, Phil.
Not that vase.
Look at me!
Really look at me.
I feel like I am.
You're just not getting it, are you?
I'm sorry. I need some alone time.
Sorry for knocking on your door so
persistently,
but we can't find Dex,
and all his matching luggage is gone.
Do you have any idea where he is?
I don-- I don't know, Mitchell.
Weren't you the last person to talk to him?
And we haven't got much time.
If we don't have a drummer,
we're gonna have to cancel the gig.
Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.
- Don't even... - I...
Aah, this is devastating.
If we don't play, we won't get paid,
and we don't have enough money to get home.
Hey, you don't know what Dex is going
through.
One hath to be true to the way one was born.
Okay, you can't just add "Hath"
and pretend it was in the Bible.
Well, I guess we better call the venue and
cancel the gig.
Oh, boy, well, you know.
I could be your drummer.
Oh, God, here we go.
Really? You play?
Swear to G-dash-D.
Just play me a few bars. I can pick it up,
follow along.

Mr. Cameron, thank you so much.
You kind of remind me of another special
someone
who made a pretty big sacrifice to save us.
Please, do not compare me to your...
Mr. Bernie Kaufman, our manager.
He burnt down his shoe store to pay for our
first demo.
what are you doing?
Oh, God, you take the dog,
and I'll clean this up, okay?
Okay.
Honey, I got some vase options.
What happened?
what do you think happened?
I think she saw those flowers as the shallow
transparent gesture they were
and shredded them to pieces in a
justifiable rage.
Yep.
What have I done to upset her so much?
Maybe you should look in a mirror
and ask yourself that question.
Sweet Teen Wolf, what have I become?
You see that guy?
I have done so much work on his mouth
that he's paid for the hot tub on my boat.
Did Kopitar just wave to you?
It's the least he can do.
I'm taking him out fishing this weekend in
Catalina.
Hey, hey, do you want to come?
Oh, my God, I'd love to go.
- Oh, but... - What?
Last night, before you got there,
Gloria and I got in a big to-do
about me not needing new friends.
And now you don't want to admit you were
wrong.
Wow, do you get me.
Well, it's supposed to be perfect
whale-watching weather,
and, uh, oh, yeah,
Gretzky's coming, too.
The Great One?
Not at sharing the binoculars, he isn't.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1289】-
Modern.Family.S07E19
It's killing me I can't go!
Well, here's a crazy idea.
Why don't you tell your wife the truth
and admit you were wrong?
You don't get me like I thought you did.
Or...?
Fine. I'll level with her.
What is going on?
Ohh, good, you're not Dad.
So, how'd it go with Sanjay?
Did he remember your anniversary?
You tell me.
After I gave him the fossil,
he gave me this for romantic weekends up
at Stanford.
It looks kind of used.
Do you think it's possible he forgot
and just grabbed the first thing that
he's...
Shut up! He loves me!
I can't believe i haven't gotten a single
call.
I must have put up a thousand fliers.
Hey, guys.
Honey.
-Claire. -Yeah.
I want to talk to you.
I am so sorry.
I don't listen.
I try to solve problems with flowers.
I do unflattering impressions of you for
my friends.
And worst of all, I let myself go.
So I shaved and put on a suit.
Oh, honey.
What's that?
What?
Oh, my God. You packed a suitcase.
You need some time away.
I guess all this was...
too little, too late.
Well, not the spray tan. That was too much,
too long.
I think the nozzle was broken.
You're getting this all wrong, and it's all
my fault.

Okay, look,
I have been trying to distract you, yes,
but because I have been thinking about what
was good for me
and not what might be good for you.
So I have no idea
if we're ever gonna find out who his real
owner is,
but if we don't, you can keep him.
Why would I want the Tanksley's dog?
What?
This is Buddy.
You know the Tanksley's over on Clifton?
I sold them their house.
Oh, thank God.
But if you're open to me getting a pet...
Yeah. Of course. Get a dog.
No, I don't want a dog.
I want a cockatoo to take Rollerblading.
How cool would that be sitting on my
shoulder
my half shirt flapping in the wind?
You're not getting a bird.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
People that have birds
and walk around with them on their
shoulders --
They look ridiculous.
It's obviously a desperate cry for
attention.
Okay.
Now I need some time to myself.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're watching "Mystery Kidz."
You said you didn't want to.
Not with you. You ask too many questions.
That's rude.
I was only watching as a courtesy.
What just happened?
Wait, who's that?
Gloria.
How was the charity event?
I have to talk to you about something.
What?
I owe you an apology.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1290】-
Modern.Family.S07E19
I have to go to Cleveland this weekend
for my Aunt Bea's funeral.
Nice old lady.
Fell off a cliff.
I'll -- I'll go with you. I'll start packing
right now.
No, no, no. You stay here with Joe and
Manny.
I'll send you a snow globe.
Hey, did we have an extra pair of
binoculars?
I saw a weird bird outside.
Stop with the lies.
I really don't understand men.
Why can't you just admit that you were
wrong?
It's not a weakness.
It's a strength,
and I would love you and respect you more.
Fine.
I like Reece, and I want to go away with
him.
I knew it!
I was right, and you were wrong!
From now on, we're gonna do new things all
the time.
Tomorrow we're going to an Ethiopian
restaurant,
and then we're gonna watch a movie
about a love letter that arrived 30 years
late
and changed the life of two women.
Can I bring Reece?
No!
Hey, everyone, let's gather for the preshow
prayer.
Kind of like Madonna and her backup
dancers.
Mr. Mitchell, would you like to join us?
Oh, I'm good. Thank you.
All right.
Heavenly Father,
we ask that you make this show
super-amazing for all of our fans,
and we pray for Dex.
Lord, please guide him.
 Modern.Family.S07E19
Give him strength. *Doesn't matter about your sexuality-y-y*
And let him know that we love and accept I'm just saying that maybe,
him no matter what. before you join the French resistance,
Mitchell, did you hear that? you walk the 15 feet to your neighbor's
Hey, you know what? Let me in there. house
I have been a little judgmental, haven't and ask her did she get your damn love
I? letter.
So... For someone that says
Go ahead. that they don't want to talk about the
- Amen. - Amen. movie,
Let's do this. that's all you seem to be talking about.
- Break a leg! - Thank you! I think it's better
Here. than putting this yellow mush in my mouth.
What's this? Yeah, maybe if you opened up your mind,
If the mood strikes you, you would see that this is actually
why don't you join us onstage, delicious.
make some joyful noise? It was disgusting,
Ladies and gentlemen, Water to Wine! But I can never let Jay know that he is
One, two, three, four. right.
*The world may be flat* The food is terrible and if I'm being
*But it's always changin'* honest,
*So many sins from topics that are rangin' the movie sort of stays with me.
*
*Devil's done with breakfast, and his evil
is ragin' *
*Which is why. Which is why*
*Which is why. Which is why*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie with another man*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie with another man*
*There's a party in hell*
*And the drinks are always flowing*
*I think we all know the kind of people that
are going*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie with another man*
*Unless they really love each other*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie*
*Man shouldn't lie with another man*
*The Jesus I know loves everyone*
*Even if you're gay or straight*

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1291】-

Modern.Family.S07E20
Come on, Joe. Buff that sucker.
What'd I teach you?
Sanitary.
Is Joe applying for a job in a train station
in 1940?
Just teaching him a few things every man
should know.
Someone has to get in there early,
or sometimes the kid turns out funny.
Knock, knock.
- Hey, Phil. - Hey, guys.
Phil, in here!
You ready to tackle your website?
I know I'm here a little early.
I thought I was gonna be --
Do you recognize that?
Are you kidding? I love your sauce.
Some of it fell out of my burrito last
night,
and I licked it right off the remote.
That's Auntie Alice's new sauce!
She stole my recipe!
I know.
I am the crazy Colombian that always loses
her temper
and needs to be calmed down by the white
people.
No! I don't think you're being crazy
enough.
I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts
it can make you
to create something special only to have
it stolen from you.
Do you remember a hit song called "Happy"?
Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago
with the clapping and the hat.
A couple of years ago, huh?
So a full four years after this burst on
the scene.
*Because I'm snappy*
*Snap with me if you think that today is
a good day*
*That's right, I'm snappy*
*Snap with me if you took a test and you
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1292】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
got an A*
*You see, I'm snappy*
Sounds just a little similar, right?
- A little, but -- Thank you!
But do you think that he saw this?
Um, it had 27 views.
Come on. We're going down to that market
to make that old bat cease and desist.
I will not stand idly by,
while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses
you.
Where are you two going?
To the market.
We need olives!
And then when the lights go out, she'll be
able to read
the glow-in-the-dark ink on your T-shirt.
- Oh, my God. She's gonna love it. - She?
Who's she?
What are you guys working on?
- Nothing. - Nothing.
Oh, okay. I get it, yeah.
He's -- I'll just be down in the bedroom,
you know,
at the end of the -- at the end of the hall.
Hey, thanks for your help.
I really like this girl,
and there's just so much pressure
to do something spectacular when you ask
a girl out to prom.
Is there something wrong with your air
vents?
No, Cam breathes through his nose when he
hides.
A promposal? To who? Laurie Vock?
Oh, no. She's Ian Jacobs' girl.
Melanie Rylance? You have to be careful
with her.
She has more cold sores than Abby
Burmeister.
But seriously, Luke, everything you say
here
is completely confidential.
Oh, you know, they are looking for
chaperones for prom,
- and I thought maybe we could -- No, no.

We have tickets to the opening of "Cabaret"
that night.
I'm not missing it so I can tell some
teenage girl
to keep her dress on.
I spent my own prom doing that.
Okay, can I just point out the absurdity
that you ask this uncle to advise you and
not this uncle,
who hung a Valentine's banner outside of
his office that said,
"Mitchell, you're the best husband, father,
and lover."
Didn't love all three of those being rolled
into one sentence.
Sounded a little Ozark-y.
- No, Cam. Stop. - What?
Luke's just looking for an adviser
who's a little more understated
and a little less, you know...
David Stuart.
Oh, I get it.
- He's quite gay. - Yes, I got it.
Okay, well, you know what?
I would hate to muck up your promposal
with my flair and panache.
I'm sure the lucky girl will swoon with
delight
when you use a mustard bottle
to write "Wanna go?" On her turkey burger.
Hello?
There's an intruder in the house.
What?!
But you have nothing to worry about
with Pritchett's Guardian 3000 Closet,
which doubles as a military-grade panic
room.
- So no intruder? - No!
I'm just so excited about this idea.
I'm debuting it next week at ClosetCon.
What do you think?
I think I'm studying for finals.
Can't you scare the crap out of a focus
group?
Like I'm gonna share my best closet idea
with a room full of strangers
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1293】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
four days before the most hotly anticipated
storage convention in North America.
Good point. You do have Haley's number,
right?
*From the first time that I saw your face*
*I knew you could be mine*
Alex Dunphy, would you make me the happiest
cat in school
and swing by prom with me?
Sha-Na-nope.
Hey, Jerry. For some reason, I'm locked out
of my computer.
Apparently, someone tried to access my
e-mail
before I got in.
Someone hell-bent on leaking company
secrets.
It is four days until C-Con, and
Pritchett's Closets has a mole.
No one is above suspicion.
Margaret, where were you this morning at
9:45 a.m.?
I'm so sorry I was late.
I was at Overeaters Anonymous.
I woke up next to the ice cream again.
So not Margaret.
I know who that locker belongs to.
I can't believe you're asking that cheap
Ho to the prom.
- Cam! - Sarah Ho!
She gave me a $5 gift card for Teacher
Appreciation Day.
What's with the birds?
Oh, these are just some turtledoves for
Manny's promposal.
You're joking.
You felt so slighted over Luke asking me
that you foisted yourself on Manny?
There was no foisting.
I asked Manny if he needed help.
He was too proud to admit that he did, so
here we are.
Is it possible there's something deeper
going on with you
around this whole prom area?
Is it possible you're second-guessing

your no-frills approach?
Especially compared to turtledoves, backup
dancers,
and dry ice so Manny can appear in a cloud
of mist.
A cloud of mist?
Like in a movie?
Is our thing gonna seem lame now?
Steady.
Now, now. I'm sure your thing is fine.
What did your little locker note say?
"Go to the gym."
Intriguing.
What delights await her in the gym?
Another note telling her to go to the
parking lot.
Well, I should help Manny set up.
Should I be worried?
Don't freak me out right now, okay?
- Okay. All right. - It's fine. Just fine.
You don't have to use it, but at least
you'll have it.
Hello, Auntie Alice.
Or should she say Auntie Malice?
No, Gloria's right. It's Alice.
I didn't know you were in today.
You're in -- trouble!
Is he okay?
- You stole my sauce! - What?
Uh, I'm sorry. Maybe you don't hear so good.
She said, "You...stole... her...sauce."
That's spicy.
That's not the sauce she stole.
That's her Volcano sauce.
In her ad, one drop turns a hockey rink into
a swimming pool.
It's her new sauce, the one that tastes just
like mine.
How are you going to explain that?
Yeah, we want answers and a little bread.
Your fight's not with me.
I'm not really Auntie Alice.
Oh, come on.
Your cute face is in the bottle!
Auntie Alice is a brand that was created
by a big corporation.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1294】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
So they were the ones who stole my sauce?
They steal all kinds of products.
And they have an army of lawyers
just ready to crush anyone who challenges
them.
So we just have to take it?
It's in my eye! Oh!
Please don't repeat any of this, or I could
lose my job.
I'm still paying off my improv classes.
How is this food?!
This will probably be yours someday,
so no reason you shouldn't learn to do this.
Does Manny know how to change oil?
- Bath oils. - What? Bath oil?
There's my guy.
Let me grab the dipstick.
This stick?
Manny. Okay. I just briefed the team.
Dry ice is ready. Bow ties are on the birds.
Save it, Cam.
Megan already said yes to Shawn Reeves.
He asked her last period.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Manny.
Can't really blame her.
I mean, you try saying no to Shawn Reeves
with his weatherman smile and his exotic
Canadian accent.
Well, there must be someone else you can
ask.
No, that's okay. There's always next year.
At least this way I can see the opening of
"Cabaret".,
Oh, please. It's just "Cabaret."
It's been revived more times than Dick
Cheney.,
Okay. You're not missing your prom.
Cam... I'm getting the feeling
this is much more important to you than it
is to me.
Well, maybe because I didn't get to go to
mine.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's a painful story.
I get it. Some things are better left
unsaid.

Her name was Tina Day.
We were just friends, but I was so into
asking her,
I rented a white stallion and a suit of
armor.
I wanted it to be a whole "Knight and Day"
Theme.,
I was promposing before it was even a thing.
I rode up her driveway,
and I could see when she opened the door
through the little slits in my helmet
what her answer was gonna be.
She wanted a traditional prom night with
a guy
she could lose her virginity to.
I couldn't blame her.
I wanted the same thing.
There's always Melanie Rylance,
but you wouldn't want me to ask someone --
Delta, ready the dancers and dove cannon.
Poor lady.
I feel terrible for screaming at her like
that.
I blame myself.
I blame yourself, too.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of going through something.
I got bumped from Lily's career day this
morning
by a periodontist.
That's right. My job is less interesting
that root rot.
Who cares about a bunch of third graders?
You love being a real-estate agent.
First of all, I'm not just a real-estate
agent.
I'm a Realtor.
I'm a member of a national association,
a brotherhood, sworn to the Realtor Code
of Ethics!
That's what this "R" Stands for.
Though, lately, it feels like it stands for
"Regret".
I know everything there is to know about
real estate,
and nobody seems to care.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1295】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
Maybe I have the most boring job in the
world.
No, Phil.
Closets is the most boring job in the world.
Ay, poor thing.
She has to take the bus.
Let's offer her a ride.
Yes, yes.
A Maserati?
She lied to us!
No, that means "Follow her."
- Hello? - Hey, Mom.
How do you turn on the sprinklers for the
front lawn?
Uh, it's a little control box by the front
door. Why?
No reason.
Look, now that I've got you on the phone,
I'm thinking it might be time to upgrade
our Internet security.
Thoughts?
Get rid of the Post-it note on your laptop
with your password on it.
Why are you so worried about security?
It's my first ClosetCon as C.E.O.,
and I am dealing with corporate espionage.
Well, if you're so worried about it,
why don't you just call Grandpa?
Do you know how that would look?
I mean, it's bad enough to go to the person
who had your job before you,
but when that person is daddy...
Honey, closet people are ruthless.
They'd eat me alive.
Or maybe the world isn't filled with
heartless monsters.
My phone is wet.
Can you call my mom?
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
I just got off the horn
with Rick Friedman over at Shelf Involved.
That poor guy.
Someone there has given away corporate
secrets.
Makes me so glad that we just upgraded our
whole security system.

I mean, we got hidden cameras around this
place
that I don't even know about.
So, we got a cake for Margaret's birthday.
Fun.
How you doing, Ben?
Me? I'm good. I am good.
I am chill.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, so...
It's not really my birthday.
I just wanted cake.
I eat garbage because I am garbage.
Hey, Dad. Hi.
Um, listen. Can I call you back?
Just wanted to confirm we're on for dinner
at --
Oh, got another call. One sec.
Yeah, I think she's onto us.
Yeah, a lot of mole talk.
I think we just need to calm things d--
What?
You're talking to her right now?
Yeah, okay, bye.
So, we're on for tonight?
- Sure. - Great.
And, hey, you sound a little tense.
Don't let the job make you crazy, huh?
You go that route, soon you're seeing plots
everywhere.
Great tip, Dad.
You're spying for my dad!
What? No! Yes. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I agreed.
I just look up to your dad so much.
I can't believe he doesn't trust me.
Why did he put me in charge, then?
I don't know, but I can find out.
I'll double-agent.
I've been working this game since my
parents' divorce.
I was the only 10-year-old in Great Neck
with no bedtime and Diners Club card.
Fine. Don't make any plans for tonight.
You're coming to dinner with me.
All right. Um, can we stop by my house to
change my shoes?
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1296】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
I didn't make it up here on the first try.
All right, the dove cannon's loaded,
the dancers are stretching, the dry ice is
billowing.
The moment you get her outside, I will cue
the team.
Oh, there she is.
Okay. Go.
All right, team. Look alive.
We are hot. We are hot.
- Hey, Melanie. Listen -- - Manny.
Do you want to go to prom with me?
Uh, sure.
You got a second?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm second. You're first.
I get it. You win everything.
That seems like something I'm gonna hear
about later.
I need help with Luke's promposal, okay?
Can you go to the gym, wait for Sarah, and
then hand her this?
Okay, this is what I've been reduced to?
Delivering an unperfumed envelope like a
common bellhop? Fine.
Thank you. Okay.
Stand down, everybody.
Little Bear's gone rogue.
Wait.
Grayson! Hey.
- Hey, Coach. - Hey.
Don't suppose you're planning on asking
anyone to prom.
Um, I don't think we're allowed to go with
teachers.
That's not what...
So, this is the house that stolen sauce
built.
I'm so angry that I don't even know what
I'm gonna say to her!
Ah, so, this is the house that the stolen
sauce built!
Oh, I know what you're thinking, but this
isn't my house.
I just come here to get my paycheck.
Grandma, my shower's broken.

I'm gonna use the one in the guesthouse.
Please be my new piano teacher.
Fine.
I'm Auntie Alice.
Auntie Thief and Auntie Liar.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure we can work something out.
Who's your patent lawyer?
I don't have one.
I know.
I patented your sauce this morning.
Have a good trip home, kids.
I am so sorry, Phil, that I wasted your
whole day,
but I am more sorry of what I'm gonna do
to your car!
Gloria, we're above that.
But not everyone would be.
You should put that beauty in your garage.
- I don't have one. - Oh, really?
Just out of curiosity, do you not have a
garage
because you converted it into the
guesthouse
where your grandson's currently showering?
What's your game, mister?
I just find it interesting that you have
a fully plumbed stand-alone dwelling on
your property.
That's none of your business.
Even more peculiar, your grandson appears
to live here,
but judging by his T-shirt, he goes to Eden
Mills High,
an elite public school 12 miles outside of
your district.
Oh, maybe with the money you saved on
private schools,
you paid for the new two-sided brick
fireplace I saw,
which hasn't been legal since 1988.
Go, Phil, go!
Pull the sauce, Big Al,
or Monday morning, the city's here with a
bulldozer,
and your grandson goes to a school with a
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1297】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
metal detector.
How do you know all this?
What are you -- some kind of real-estate
agent?
No. He's a Realtor.
There is a difference somehow!
Oh, hey, kids.
Actually, I'm waiting for Sarah,
so if I could have the room for just a --
a minute.
Thank -- Okay, funny.
Whoever turned out the lights, please turn
them back on.
They're not working. Might be a fuse.
Mitchell, we have a problem.
No, we don't.
I mean, unless you're busy that night.
Are -- Are you asking me to prom?
Well, you know, they need chaperones.
Mitchell, this is the sweetest thing you've
ever done for me.
I-I don't know if I've mentioned it,
but I never got to go to my own prom.
It's come up.
What about Luke's promposal?
Well, your husband, who couldn't plan
anything romantic
with a gun to his head,
may have pulled off two promposals at once.
Do you have any idea who put that note in
my locker
asking me to be a part of this thing?
Oh, yeah, it was my uncle.
It's pretty clever how he turned out the
lights.
I said, "Turned out the lights"!
Oh, my God! Yes!
That's so sweet. I...
And I can't believe I'm finally going to
prom.
I can't believe I finally have a happy
memory
in a high-school gym.
- Joe did that to you? - Yeah.
- Slammed a car hood on it. - Why?
I owed him money.

It slipped while I was teaching him to check
oil.
Well, that's pretty advanced for a
3-year-old.
What can I say? I believe in my kids.
Thank you.
Looks good. Thank you.
Very nice.
Let's quickly go over the plan.
My dad's gonna be here any minute.
We're doing this in stages.
One finger means you text him
"We're closing the blinds division."
Our biggest earner?
He's gonna lose it if I tell him we're
shuttering blinds.
Two fingers, we're partnering with Rod
Bushmill.
That sleazebag represents everything
your father spent an entire career fighting
against.
Three fingers, we're not going to ClosetCon.
Wha--
Are you trying to teach your father a lesson
or crush his soul?
Just business, kid.
Monster.
Looks good. Thank you.
So...with all this prom stuff coming up,
is your house as topsy-turvy as ours is?
Not really. Manny's taking this girl.
She's nothing special, but solid.
Reliable.
A lot like our blinds division.
You know -- not sexy, but --
No, Dad. No shop talk.
You've had enough of that for a lifetime.
Wow, your phone is really blowing up
tonight.
Two old-fashioneds.
- Thank you. - Oh, thank you.
Okay. Here.
You know what else seems old-fashioned to
me nowadays?
- Mm? - Integrity.
Maybe because I spent my career
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1298】-
Modern.Family.S07E20
fighting the sleazeballs in our industry.
You know -- the Rod Bushmill types.
Rod's a sweetheart.
He bought me lunch last week.
We got to talking about whether or not we
--
What am I doing?
Jibber-jabbering about work.
So, that little grease monkey Joe is 3.
Hard to believe. 3.
They grow up so fast.
Got to be nice, though, Dad,
knowing that your company is in good hands
and you can stay home all day long and just
play with your kid.
Have you lost your mind?
Well, not all day, obviously.
3-year-olds are nothing but bipolar germ
buckets.
You're skipping out on ClosetCon?
- Who told you that? - Ben.
That little weasel told me everything.
Listen, I can tolerate shutting down the
blinds,
even Rod Bushmill, but not showing up for
ClosetCon,
you're asking not to be taken seriously.
My God, Claire!
We're one strong season away from being
invited
to Expo Internationale du Closets!
Why are you looking at me like that?
'Cause I'm not doing any of those things.
I told that little weasel Ben to text you
those things
when I found out that he was spying for you.
And, by the way, it doesn't feel very nice
to know that you don't think that I can run
your company.
That's not why I did it.
I thought maybe you could use a little
support.
You're staring down the barrel of your
first ClosetCon.
So you spied on me?
I mean, you could have given me a call.
 Modern.Family.S07E20
And tell you that you're not doing your job? We both know why they're asking.
That would have gone over fine with you. No, you may not use our upstairs apartment
Need any help? for an after party.
- No! - No. Lame.
I mean, look at us. You look ravishing, my sweet.
Why can't we both admit We said no talking.
that we could use each other's help right - Come on. Come on. - I'm thirsty.
now? I'll tell you when you're thirsty.
Are we too proud to even do that? Come on. Let me feel that power.
I'll admit it if you will. Come on. Make that leather sing!
Fine. On 3. All right. Come on. Get on your bike.
- Will you crack my lobster? - I want to Back up. Get on your bike. Come on.
come back to work. They can't hit you if they can't reach you.
- What?! - Damn it! My pants are falling.
Oh, my God. You want to come back to work? Well, pull 'em up.
I miss it, okay? Pull 'em up high to your nipples.
You know how it is when you have closets That prevents a low blow.
in your blood. What's a low blow?
I'm going crazy in retirement. Fantastic.
Why are you smiling at me like that? I have to emcee a poetry retrospective
Because we're so similar. tomorrow,
Do you know how many times I've wanted to and this shawl collar's got more wrinkles
call you than last night's "Downton Abbey."
to ask for your help or advice, That is.
but I was afraid I would look weak?
Here. You crack this.
- Give me that. - I'll open these things.
Well, Dad, what do you think about coming
back to work --
I don't know -- one or two days a week?
What I was thinking was, I'd have a staff
of five.
- My own building. - What?
And I report to no one.
I'm kidding.
I'll put a desk in the copy room.
And, by the way, I've known you for a long
time.
The last thing you need to worry about is
looking weak.
It's not always easy to ask for what you
want,
whether it's a little romance...
or a little help...
or a little respect.
- So, I admire you for asking -- - I don't.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1299】-

Modern.Family.S07E21
Hey, thank you. Here's an Andrew Jackson.
Make a clean set of sheets happen,
I'll introduce you to his twin brother.
You don't have to do the banter, but what's
it cost me?
Manny, it was a great idea to come on the
train.
Rail is a last bastion of respectable
travel
now that every airport has become a
sweat-pant convention.
We are all traveling to Portland
because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting
remarried.
We're so happy.
For us.
It means the end of those damn alimony
payments,
so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through
with it.
It'll be, "I do", "I do", "I'm done".
Dude, how much choice action are we gonna
get on this trip?
I'm managing my expectations.
Don't you know anything about trains?
Chicks go crazy.
The vibrations get them all worked up.
Also, they're trapped, which is nice.
We're just gonna go bang out this toast for
Mom.
Yeah. Shouldn't have waited till the last
minute.
It'll be a nice distraction from your
motion sickness.
It's good, as long ‭ as I'm not facing
backwards
when the train is -- Oh, God, no.
Lead me.
All right, I got it.
There you go. Fixed point.
Oh, my God, it can't be.
What? No, it's not a bald spot.
I slept on it funny last night.
No. The guy two rows back.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1300】-
Modern.Family.S07E21
That's Simon Ha--
Hastings. Oh, my --
You're a fan of his, too?
‭ He's my favorite author.
Don't tell Mitchell, but I was so engrossed
in his last book, I didn't feed Lily for
a day and a half.
Wait a second.
Simon Hastings is the genius behind
the Silverton mystery novels.
"Dismembers Only."
"A Death of Fresh Air."
The world has been waiting
for the final book of the trilogy
for almost, what, 10 years?
I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing
fan fiction.
What?
I put Silverton in the harrowing world of
real estate
with ‭ "Open House, Closed Casket."
Goose bumps.
We hate to bother you, but you are our
favorite author.
Gentlemen, the words are all out there.
I just arrange them in a financially
rewarding way.
- Droll. Droll is what it is. - Classic
Hastings.
That by any chance isn't the --
the next Silverton novel, is it?
You mean "Locomotive for Murder"?
Crackerjack.
It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about
finishing it.
Well, I hope you won't be disappointed.
Lovely to meet you.
What's your process?
Are the characters ‭ just speaking through
you?
How important is plot?
Here's an idea -- how would you two like
to sit quietly and read the first chapter?
‭ What?
- My... ‭ - What?
- God. ‭ - What?

‭ Rest assured.
Your treasure is in good hands.
We are also members of the artistic
community.
Clown.
Magician.
Nope.
What? We're on a train,
and I'm embracing ‭ a romantic style of
travel.
I get it, and I love it.
Wonderful Victorian tea hat.
Thank you. Top-notch travel derby.
Ma'am. See you at high tea.
He acts like someone with low "T".
Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying
gum.
Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.
You got an extra book?
Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre",
but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.
What you got?
"Hurricane Harriet". It's mostly pictures.
Sold. Move over.
So, what's Harriet's deal?
She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for
everyone,
but never realizes it.
Doesn't sound very realistic.
Ah, do you guys know where the bathroom is?
Oh, back there.
Isn't it that way?
Doesn't matter.
First-class ticket, please.
I just came looking for the bathroom.
My ticket is in my seat.
Do you have any idea how many times a day
I hear that?
Just go back where you came from.
Go back where I came from?
Okay.
I see how it is.
So, Harriet just sent those people right
into a bear cave?
She never knows what she's doing.
What an idiot.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1301】-
Modern.Family.S07E21
Excuse me.
You mind if I sit here?
Uh, no.
You have a beautiful smile.
Thanks.
They make fun of you for wearing your
headgear,
but, hey, look at me now.
Tickets?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, honey, do you have my ticket?
No.
I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe.
Sorry, babe. Back to coach.
I forgive you.
Come find me.
"Mom has always been a free spirit."
"She has also helped to free a lot of
spirits from bottles
'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello!
Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in.
Uh, how about this one?
"The secret to her chocolate chip cookies
was a dash of salt --"
"And two scoops of crazy because the lady's
imbalanced."
Hello!
Claire, this is toast, not a roast.
Are you uncomfortable because, for the
first time in your life,
you have to be the straight man?
Hello!
Saying "Hello" doesn't make mean things
funny.
I like it.
Well, you don't get to decide.
How come you get to decide?
'Cause Mom asked me and not you.
I included you because I felt bad.
That's fine. I don't care.
You can do it yourself.
- I don't care. - ‭ Claire.
Wait.
Nope.
This is a $20.
When my wife shows up later,

"Iced tea" means Scotch.
Grandpa, do you think it's weird
Nana invited you to her wedding?
I think it's the least-weird thing Dede's
ever done.
Well, if she was so bad, why'd you ever
marry her?
We were young.
She was cute, but the constant nuttiness
of Dede
wore me down, robbed me of my will to live.
One day, she pushed me off the edge.
I ran out of the house.
They found me shirtless in the local fire
station.
Excuse me.
This, uh, Dede ‭ that you're speaking of --
um, is that Dede Pritchett, by chance?
Do you know her?
She's marrying my father.
You're kidding.
No. We're traveling to the wedding right
now...
if there is one.
I've got to call Dad.
I told you that woman was off.
I'm gonna need $18 back.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, hi, Mr. Hastings.
Um, do you know -- have they developed a
cure yet?
For what?
A blown mind -- because we have two of them.
‭ You're too kind.
- Oh, thank you. - Oh, thank you.
Well, we are just dying to know how the
conductor got
all the way from the front to the back, kill
the ambassador,
and not be seen?
There's an escape hatch in the control
room.
He climbs up, crawls his way across
the top of the train to the caboose.
There, his feet firmly planted, thanks to
magnetic shoes,
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1302】-
Modern.Family.S07E21
he hangs down, shoots the ambassador,
then crawls back the way he came.
That is so ingenious.
How does he avoid the video cameras?
- Yeah. - ‭ I beg your pardon.
On top of the train.
He's on a train that doesn't have any
cameras.
Oh, no, they all have cameras now -- Big
Brother.
I just read an article about it in Rail
World,
the magazine in your seat pocket --
also a great interview with amateur
conductor
Valerie Bertinelli.
Well, if that's true, then the murder isn't
possible.
And if the ambassador is still alive,
then there's no reason for Silverton to be
in Nigeria.
And if that's the case, he's not at the
coup,
which means the whole thing doesn't work.
Dear God, I have no book.
I have no book!
Now I wish I hadn't circled the typos.
What are you still doing here? Go find him.
I don't know.
Come on, it's a better love story
than the one you're reading.
You're the beautiful, high-class, smart
girl,
and he's the poor boy duct-taping his shoes
with a bunch of hobos in coach.
It's a $20 difference.
Alex, you got this.
Trains make guys crazy.
When were you ever on a train?
In Vegas, between my plane and the luggage
area.
Stuff went down.
Fine. I'll go for it.
Oh, wait.
Nope.
Manny likes hats, doesn't he?

Ooh, someone's still got a crush.
I'm not proud of it.
I tried to get past it.
But, you know, trains.
Well, I think you look cute, and I bet he
would, too.
Hey, pervs.
Let me guess -- shoulders tired from
striking out so hard?
It's still early.
Ooh, I see a dime piece over there.
That means she's a 10.
Yeah. I speak d-bag.
Luke, she's a little old.
Hey, Jennifer Lopez is like 90.
Doesn't mean I don't pretend she's my
pillow every now and then.
How does he have prospects?
If it makes you feel any better,
that one's got a big crush on you.
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.
I've always sensed a little heat from Alex.
A woman doesn't compliment a man on his hat
unless she wants to get into his blazer.
Peace offering?
Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry I told you
that Mom picked me ‭ for the toast and not
you.
It's just that
I've always had a special relationship with
her.
Sure, like the one between a witch and her
flying monkey.
Don't do that.
Don't use "The Wizard of Oz" against me.
Mom manipulates you.
She uses you against the rest of us.
I have no idea ‭ what you're talking about.
Oh, God, if only I could think of an
example.
Oh, wait, here's one of 30.
She blew off Alex's graduation, but she
didn't tell us.
She made you do it
so we would all dump on you instead of her.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1303】-
Modern.Family.S07E21
And now she bans me from giving a toast,
and we're fighting about it.
Come on. She's using you like a human
shield.
Does that seem like a healthy relationship?
Why don't you give that some thought
while you're getting me a refill?
When did you even drink that?
You've been talking the whole time.
Fine. I don't get anything.
No... ‭ Hey, pal.
Before you call your dad,
what I was saying about Dede
was me just covering up because I lost
the greatest, most stable person I've ever
known.
But you seemed so angry.
It's because I can't get over her.
I've tried everything --
therapy, pills, electricity.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I miss her so much.
I-I'm gonna see ‭ the luckiest man in the
world
marry the most wonderful woman in the
world,
and I have nobody.
Excuse me, sir.
This woman says she's your wife.
Never seen her before.
But here's someone I do know -- my son,
Mitchell.
Mitchell and Dede are great pals.
Tell these lovely folks about your mother.
She's a scheming dragon woman
hell-bent on destroying everyone around
her.
You pick today to realize that?!
You're welcome.
I finally got him to see Mom
for who she really is -- a nasty, old
nutjob.
But she's someone else's problem now, huh?
Wait a minute. You know what?
I don't know these people, either.
Let's go. Excuse me.

Pardon us.
Hi. I'm Haley.
Pleasure. I'm a massive fraud.
Sounds like you need a drink.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
I used to have something of a...
Oh, come on. ‭ I feel weird drinking alone.
I don't. I just wanted him to pay.
The last time I was this bladdered,
I parked my fist right in Salman Rushdie's
smug gob.
Do you know Adele?
- There he is. - Hey. Just checking in. Hi.
Ooh, celebrating solving your problem?
After 10 years of paralyzing writer's
block,
I at last felt that I was drinking
directly from the teat of the muse.
But she was no muse.
She was a succubus.
Such a gift for language.
At the next stop, I'm going to burn this
book.
That is bad-ass.
No! What?
Yes. It will be the last act of my career.
Well, not counting the panel discussion in
Portland.
It would be rude to cancel.
There's a wine-and-cheese reception.
You have to finish.
What if we proved it could happen?
Maybe there's another way
for the murderer to get to the caboose and
back.
I've filled the train with characters
who cannot know that the engineer has left
his post.
It's hopeless!
Wait. Did we just stop?
- No. I don't think so. - No. Mnh-mnh.
Look how beautiful California is.
The best part about taking the train,
as I often do for my work with, uh, the
children,
has got to be the scenery.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1304】-
Modern.Family.S07E21
Yeah?
What's your favorite spot?
Well, I'd have to say the spot where, uh...
the Rio Grande pours into Lake Superior.
Huh. I don't think I've seen that.
Can you excuse me for just a pinch?
Sure.
What are you doing?
Getting swollen ‭ 'cause that's how you
close.
Oh, by the way,
if you see a tie on our door, Luke's
starting to score.
It's a little hard ‭ to root for you right
now.
So, where were we?
Is this your first time seeing the Central
Coast, Big Sur?
No, it's not, little miss.
I can't wait to watch the sunset over the
Andes tonight.
Not like my view right now isn't fantastic.
You're cute.
You know, if you're into it,
I think I could show you a few things.
Uh... ‭ It's a little loud in here.
Maybe we should go somewhere more quiet.
Sure.
Really?
Trains.
You're so serious.
I want to make sure I capture your beauty.
Can I see yet?
I hope you like it.
So, he's not an artist. Who cares?
People in first class think they have it
made
with their early boarding and their
slightly cleaner seats.
But they don't know what living is.
I'll take a long line for the bathroom
if that bathroom is in heaven.
I'm so glad you came back here.
Me too.
This feels weird.
Do you have a compartment?
 Modern.Family.S07E21
I do, but how will you get up there? She's kidding.
I'll find a way. Uh, we're doing a roast, too.
I promise. Yeah, right. Your mother was almost a
Oh, by the way, I'm in compartment 18B, roast.
as in, "Boy, are you cute." We needed to prove ‭ that the crime was
Idiot. Just keep walking. feasible,
Got it. so I would play the role of
I have a signal. engineer/murderer.
- Oh, good. - Guys, guys, guys, come on. And I would play the role of everyone else.
The only signal we need is this. When my hometown theater's production of
My kids in the back -- they don't hate Dede. "Robin Hood"
They're preparing a roast for the wedding. was lacking a leading lady, I stepped into
That's how our family shows love. the role
You'll get a taste of it at the reception. of Maid Marian in addition to playing the
What are you, Italian? Friar.
We'll do a whole thing, - Tuck? - ‭ Didn't have to.
unless you shoot the place up first. The costume hid it quite nicely.
Oh. ‭ See? That kind of stuff. Sunday dinner!
Jay Pritchett, I am going to strangle you! What?!
I don't know why you're pretending The Turkish ambassador's bodyguard
that you don't know me, was instructed to neutralize anyone who
but I'm sure it's for some stupid and looks suspicious.
selfish reason! What?
She really is your wife? It's Turkish for "From the top."
For now. I have a lot of downtime while you're
Pretty soon, you're gonna be getting on a resetting.
train Woof!
to my next wedding. Did you forget Count Maxim du Vernay
You're driving me insane. brought his service Shar-pei?
Oh, I see what's going on. If I'm being honest, I skimmed that part.
Don't listen to her. Again!
Dede's not crazy. You are. Hi. You ready for me?
Sure. That works. I believe I've Googled everything I need
Who are you? to know.
Oh, I'm Carl. So, let's get started.
Uh, my father's marrying Dede. This is California.
Yes, he is, and let's celebrate. Lake Superior is here, all the way across
Drinks on me. --
What the heck. Are you trying to take off my shoe?
And, again, I'm sorry to have worried you I thought you wanted to show me things.
guys about Dede. I do.
Oh, please. I'm a geography teacher, and, boy, do you
It's not like Carl's father is such a prize. need one.
What? Are you kidding me?
He snapped and burned your mom's house If her new husband is an arsonist,
down. you guys have to tell her.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1305】-

Everybody, calm down. The guy burned down
one house.
He's not in jail, so he's got the
government's A-okay.
I recently discovered I have some issues
with Mom,
but I love her.
I don't want her to wake up in a burning
house
just so you don't have to pay alimony.
I love Mom, too... usually.
But if this wedding doesn't happen,
you know where she's gonna end up in 10
years --
su casa or...my...casa.
Besides, the first wife obviously drove the
guy nuts.
How do we know your mother's gonna --
Oh, geez.
Luke, you're such a quick learner.
Thanks. I had no idea that was there.
Come in.
Is that you?
I'll be out in a second.
This is so naughty.
I was going to see Alex and let her down
easy.
I mean, she's family. It's taboo.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be judgy, especially when, you
know, trains.
Ooh. Dark. I like it.
I-I was going to let you down!
You sure did!
Well, your hat was garish.
Excuse me.
Have any of you guys seen the guy
I was dancing with earlier?
So, it turns out James got off right after
I left him.
On a possibly unrelated note, my wallet is
gone.
Trains.
Mr. Hastings, we did it.
We made it to the caboose and back without
being seen.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1306】-
Modern.Family.S07E21
Your book works.
I can't believe it. Are you sure?
- Yes! ‭ - Yes. It's a combination ‭ of
slithering, clever disguise,
and not to write the book for you,
but it would help if the Count had a wooden
hand.
Well, I was sort of in that area anyway.
A thousand thank-yous.
Silverton lives!
‭ Yay!
Oh, you guys are doing that book thing,
right?
- Yeah. - ‭ Well, I don't know if this helps
at all,
but I was just talking to the engineer.
It turns out ‭ he can't leave the controls
because of what's called a dead man's
switch.
If he takes his foot off of it, the whole
train stops.
Anyway, you're welcome.
If the engineer can't leave the controls,
then...
He can't commit the murder.
It's over.
Hastings, we are so sorry.
It's time to rid myself
of this 500-hundred page stain.
Wait! No! ‭ No, no, no, no!
- No! ‭ No, no! - Open, damn you!
Wait! ‭ Wait!
Is that the back of the train?
Yep. This is the famous horseshoe turn.
Only two of them in the continental United
States,
one of which is here in California,
which is in North America.
Sadly, I know all of this now.
That's it.
The engineer -- he never has to leave the
controls.
He waits for the horseshoe turn.
Then he plugs the Earl in the caboose.
I heard it.
This is brilliant!
 Modern.Family.S07E21
I can't believe you two clowns have saved walking distance
my book. to a vibrant shopping district and
Actually, it's just one clown. wonderful schools."
One magician. I've been avoiding him for the last two
- Hey, Mom! Hi! - ‭ Hi, Mom! weeks.
Well, hello, original family. Don't answer that!
Dede, we have something we have to tell you.
Now, I know there's a delicate way to say
this.
Just can't think of it.
Your fiancé's a pyro.
He burnt down his ex-wife's house.
It's just like you three to try to ruin my
big day.
Mom, we just thought you should know.
Jerry told me everything.
Trust me. She had it coming.
The woman's "Cah-razy."
So, you're okay he's a firebug?
He's passionate, Jay.
He knows how to express his feelings,
unlike you.
Maybe if you had burned our house down,
we'd still be together.
My mistake. You're right, Dede.
Great, Mom. See you at the wedding.
Bye. Claire, you're not mad at me
about your seating arrangements?
Why? Where am I sitting?
Mitchell, tell her.
Got to run.
You're not sitting at the family table.
Hello!
Phil sent me his Silverton fan fiction,
"Open House, Closed Casket."
"He looked up at the pristine crown molding
in the great room and felt the breeze
of the recently updated central air.
'Mrs. Coruthers, just as this desirable
corner lot
was split in half, so, too, is Mr.
Coruthers.'
The widow gasped and steadied herself
on the granite kitchen island, a fitting
metaphor
for how alone she felt, despite being

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1307】-

Modern.Family.S07E22
Claire. There's a girl in Luke's bed.
Where's Luke?
With the girl!
Should we just make a noise and scare her
off?
Is it a girl or a possum?
Honey, there's no one there.
There was. I saw girl bumps and hair.
It was probably just his Chewbacca doll.
It's not a doll. It's a plush action figure.
Well, as long as he's sleeping with that
thing,
it's the only action he's gettin'.
I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready for that.
You thought you saw something that wasn't
there.
It's dark, and we shared an entire bottle
of wine.
It is dark.
I didn't see you do air quotes around
"shared".
All right. These contracts are good to go.
All that's left is the inspection.
Already scheduled it.
Andy, if I could bottle you up
and put you into a cologne, you know what
I'd call it?
"Initiative."
The black-and-white commercial
would have models turning into panthers.
"Initiative -- a unisex fragrance from
California."
I want to come back to this because it's
fun,
but I need your advice.
You remember my cousin back in Utah,
- the real-estate developer? - Yeah.
Well, turns out his V.P.'s leaving
to start his own company,
and my cousin needs someone, like -- like,
now.
That's a big opp--
What are you doing home?
Are you serious? School's out. I'm home for
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1308】-
Modern.Family.S07E22
the summer.
You knew this.
Must have slipped my mind. I'm so glad
you're back.
That's it?
Sanjay's parents are throwing him
a three-day "Welcome Home" party.
They even made him a suit out of marigolds.
This is a nice surprise, pumpkin.
Was I too subtle with the way
I put it on the calendar, or...
Someone woke up in a good mood.
And there is only one reason
a teenage boy is ever like that.
Yep, because it's Family Camp training day!
Oh, I was gonna say,
"The Harlem Globetrotters must be in town."
Luke and I are training for the
big...Famcathlon.
You're, uh, carb-loading.
Good idea, buddy!
Hungry dude.
Hungry for Family Camp!
Don't say "No" right away, but picture me
with these.
Sweetie, you're 8 years old. Give your body
time to develop.
These curls! I want a perm!
Take it from someone
who had a perm at your age -- you don't.
Okay, what do you think of my airplane
outfit?
When I land in Missouri, I want to blend
right in.
With what? A jug band?
I got a job this summer
as an assistant defensive coordinator
for the Missouri State football team.
Go, Bears! I'm going home.
And I have been crazy with work, which means
Lily will be going back and forth between
the two of us.
It has been a little tense
putting together a time-share agreement,
though.
I haven't been making it tense.
 Modern.Family.S07E22
You're the one who treats our daughter That's fine, Mitchell -- I don't care about
like she's a vacation property in Aruba. 4th of July,
Maybe you should be promoted to very as long as I get Lily for Biscuit Bonanza.
defensive coordinator. Biscuit Bonanza?!
- There you go. - Okay, you typed up Yeah. It's what it sounds like. It's a
how we're gonna share our daughter. biscuit-baking --
What is this -- some sort of custody Okay, I have never hated the sound of my
agreement? own voice more.
I just drafted a document Okay. I'm gonna go pick up that costume.
that reflects what we discussed last night. What costume? Oh, my God, Cam.
You have a tendency to forget about things Don't forget about Pepper's brunch.
you agreed to, Cam. Okay, stop it!
Okay, that's a bunch of hooey. Isn't it your first day back working with
Rich! I forgot to bring up the towels. That Claire?
proves nothing. I got to get this e-mail out first
I wouldn't bother you, but I'm late for to a store that got my order wrong.
court. Do I look like a guy
It's really very straightforward. who would wear a shirt with pineapples all
If it rains for more than three days in over it?
Missouri, Kinda.
that borrows against my time. I want to use all caps to get across how
Conversely, if Lily does go to gymnastics angry I am,
camp, but it takes forever to press "Shift"
I get an extra week. before each letter.
It's too confusing. Why don't you just put on the caps lock?
Wait -- You're a lawyer, right? You can do that?
Can I actually have you take a peek at Oh, Jay.
something for me? Just double-click here.
W-What are you doing? Didn't work.
I'm lawyering up. Well, that's because you didn't
uh, yeah. double-click.
There's a lot of ambiguous language in this You just clicked twice.
contract. The hell's the difference?
I wouldn't sign it. Double-click. See?
Nobody's asking him to. That's exactly what I did.
You know, I never would have agreed to give Double...click.
up 4th of July, No, you're still just clicking twice.
and now I'm worried Listen to me -- "Double-click."
he's trying to trick me out of Biscuit Not "Double...click."
Bonanza. I'm not an idiot.
B-Biscuit Bonanza? Double-click!
It's what it sounds like. You can't possibly think that's the same
It's a biscuit-baking competition, thing!
and then you see who can throw theirs the It's the exact same thing!
furthest. Double-click!
May I present Exhibit "A"? Double-click!

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1309】-

Oh, what the...
It's the first time I've ever used the
F-word.
Ay, what's going on here?
Even for me, it's a little screamy!
I'm going to work! Wh--
Why did you get him so mad?
I need him in a good mood.
I need to ask him to go with me next week
to Juárez to my cousin's wedding.
Is that safe?
Of course not.
The invitation says "Short run to the
reception".
What are the odds the valet slid the seat
back
because of my weirdly short arms?
Shoot. I should take this.
Then I... should take this.
Evan.
Look, I know why you're calling,
and no, I haven't changed my mind.
I still don't want the job.
So, you're turning down a chance
to move home for your dream job --
an actual career -- all because of a girl?
This Haley must be something special.
Hello?
I think I lost you.
Hello? Evan?
Dropped call. I'll try him back.
I knew it!
Thanks.
Good to have you back, Jay!
Good to be back, buddy.
Little trick of the trade --
when you don't know somebody's name, you
call 'em "Buddy".
So, the old office, huh?
I see you got the lamp over there now.
I tried it there once.
You'll see.
Your office is gonna be ready this
afternoon.
Do you want to go pick up your new --
So, what are we working on? Quarterly
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1310】-
Modern.Family.S07E22
reports?
Actually, no. This is a personnel file.
I have to fire Neal today.
- Neal? - Yeah -- Neal.
Works in the warehouse, loves Canada,
heavyset fella.
Oh, you mean "Big Buddy".
We are losing more in shipping screw-ups
than he makes.
It's time.
- You gonna do that now? - Oh. No.
Um, actually, right now, I was going to make
copies
of the agenda for this afternoon's staff
meeting.
Let me do it. How many do you need?
Uh, 12 double-sided --
Dad, are you sure?
Do you even know where the copy room is?
Claire. Please. I built this place.
Okay.
Other way.
- Hi, Jay. - Not now, buddy!
That "Buddy" stuff may have worked for my
dad,
but I wanted a more personal touch when I
took over.
I wanted this to be a fun place to work,
so I had an arcade dance game installed in
the warehouse.
I figure you give them a little sugar,
takes the edge off when you have to fire
someone like...
What is going on?
Dude, Neal is tearing it up on this dance
machine.
Check out his score.
He's pretty quick on that thing.
Oh, don't worry, Claire.
He's never gonna beat your record.
You've had that for months. No one's even
come close.
Oh, I'm not worried about that.
Okay. God. Don't be defensive.
New high score!
I did it!

New high score!
Uh, s-sorry, Claire.
Yikes. I would not want to be the guy who
just beat the boss.
I actually like my job.
Hey, can I get a zip?
I'm gonna take it.
Pepper's parties are as fun as they are
confusing.
Okay, stay with me on this one.
Gender Blender Broadway Brunch.
You dress as a Broadway character of the
opposite sex,
and there's no solid food.
It's a perfect party
if you're a show queen with a broken jaw.
Uh, excuse me.
Sorry, Mr. Pritchett. Your card has been
declined.
Oh, no, that's impossible.
No, I ran it, like, three times.
I think I'm supposed to cut it.
Oh, no, no! Don't cut it! I have some cash
in the car.
Can you just unzip me? I think it's stuck.
Oh, it is stuck. You want me to cut it?
No, no! Don't cut it!
God. You really want to cut something.
I'll be right back.
Oh, damn it!
Excuse me. How much for a picture?
Oh, I'm actually not --
Please. Our daughter loves "Annie".
Well, uh...
actually, I-I could use, like, $20.
$20? Wolverine was $10.
Look, I don't want to fight. I just -- I
just need --
Hey, man. What the hell?
No, no, no!
It's not easy to get Jay to do what I want,
so sometimes I have to use my secret weapon.
But when I'm too tired for that,
I just play one of the movies that make him
cry like a baby.
Is this "Rudy"?
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1311】-
Modern.Family.S07E22
Oh, I love this movie.
You do?
Jay, I got us tickets to the ballet,
but I know that you're golfing on Sunday.
Whatever you want.
You know, Rudy was small,
but he had a big heart.
Joe, what are all these cartoons?
Now all of Mommy's movies are gone!
Manny did it.
What am I supposed to do when I babysit this
guy?
Make conversation?
The kid has two stories.
Look. I'm a tree.
That's the good one.
Mom, why aren't you calling me back?
I'm at your work. I need to talk.
Uh, excuse me. Have you seen Claire?
Someone said she was down here.
Uh, nope.
I couldn't fire Neal.
It would look like I was only doing it
to get back at him for beating my record.
Game over!
So I had no choice -- I had to beat Neal's
score.
Hello?
How do you work a copy machine?
You can't be serious.
I need to make 12 double-sided copies.
It's an impossible task.
Can't you just ask someone for help?
I made a big deal out of coming back here
to work.
I'd like to appear useful.
Wait -- On the screen, there's an
exclamation mark.
Is that good?
I don't think it means it's excited about
what's happening.
Did you put the original in the tray?
Tray? You mean like a serving tray?
Yes, Jay. I want you to put papers in a
serving tray.
How have you remained alive?

I found it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Great! It's stuck!
That's okay. Whatever you do, don't pull
the --
Hold on. I'm pulling it.
No!
Yes! New high score! Finally!
Are you hungry?
What's wrong? Is it Whitney Houston's
birthday again?
No, honey, I'm just sad about
being away from you for so long.
We still have six hours together.
Let's have a special day!
Oh, that would be fun.
We could take a bike ride or have a picnic.
I was thinking something a little more
permanent.
Okay. Prepare to receive.
And remember, it's all about the strength
of the nestle.
A tiny but noticeable red mark on his neck?
I'm not an idiot.
Someone's been practicing his orange grip.
Pick up the pace!
This is where we make up
for your mom being so bad at Hula-Hooping.
Shoot!
I randomly found this in a bush under Luke's
window.
Alex probably asked Haley to borrow them,
Haley threw the pair,
Alex caught one,
the other one flew out the window,
phone call came, they forgot. Girls.
What are you doing home?
Being crushed over and over by family
members.
Got your message.
I know you probably didn't mean "Come over
right away,"
but you know how paranoidy I can be, so...
We should talk in my room.
O...kay.
Andy. Hold on a sec.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1312】-
Modern.Family.S07E22
I know we didn't get to finish our talk
earlier,
because of Alex's surprise pop-in.
Listen.
If you're not taking that job in Utah
because of me,
you're making a mistake.
I love you and me together, but it would
break my heart
if I was the reason
you gave up this dream career opportunity,
because, honestly,
I don't know how much of a future there is
here.
But...
if our bond is as strong as we think it is...
we'll work our way back to each other.
Okay.
What he said.
Hey, what's all the buzz about?
Somebody finally top Neal's untoppable --
What happened?
Someone unplugged the dance machine.
So my high score's gone?
Don't you mean Neal's high score?
No! I got an 805, like, 20 minutes ago!
Oh, come on!
Y-You can't think that I'm really so upset
that I would actually --
Damn, Claire.
You didn't have to go all "Black Swan" on
the guy.
Are we really not believing this woman?
She's never been anything but honest with
us.
When I screw up, she lets me know it,
but in a caring way.
Same with you, Bernard...Tom.
Marie, you know it.
It's time we started appreciating this
lady.
She may have gotten an 800 on the dance
game,
but if you ask me,
she gets a 1,000 on the boss game.
Okeydoke.

Did you get the costumes?
Barely. My credit card was denied,
and someone spent all the cash we had in
the car.
Uh, yeah. Those are probably both on me.
I-I apologize.
Let's maybe just forgive everything I've
done today.
"Everything"? What does that mean?
It means this!
Ohhh, my God!
I just wanted to give her a special treat
before I left.
I thought we were gonna wait until she was
older.
Did I have to put that in writing, too?
Can I sue him? I want to sue him.
You both have every right to be upset with
me.
And maybe a few weeks away from me will do
some good.
I'm just gonna get a cab to the airport.
Don't be crazy. We'll drive you.
No, I don't think I can handle a public
emotional goodbye!
Remember her?
Damn it!
Dad?
Of course I have the agendas, Claire.
I was just... trying to prove a point.
I mean, what do you need those things for,
anyway?
Agendas -- they're crutches. They're for
the weak.
You think the founding fathers wrote down
an agenda?
Well, isn't the Declaration of Inde--
A leader leads, not reads.
You go into that meeting with a bunch of
agendas,
you're asking for their approval.
"Like me! Like me! Like me!"
I say "No"!
How many times have I told you --
the first rule of being a good boss is
"You don't need your employees to be your
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1313】-
Modern.Family.S07E22
friends."
You need them to respect you!
Thank you.
That is...exactly what I needed to hear.
- I'm just doing my job. - Yeah.
Just trust your gut, kid.
Double-click...
on...yourself.
What smells so good?
I'm making my favorite lasagna
for my own "Welcome Home" dinner.
Can I ask you a question?
- What? - Do you think it's possible
that your brother snuck a girl in here last
night?
I wouldn't be too surprised.
So you think he's -- t-that they've been
--
Oh, come on, Dad. Don't be so naive.
We were all 17 once.
It's not like we all --
I sat there like that for 20 minutes.
And then I got some more awful news.
I just got an e-mail saying Family Camp was
canceled --
not enough sign-ups.
That's it?
You don't care at all, do you?
You're too busy running around with that
girl from last night!
Yeah! That's right! I know everything!
How could you, Luke?
To be honest, I don't know why I was so
upset.
I knew I was supposed to be mad,
but I couldn't figure out why,
so I just started saying a bunch of stuff.
Under my roof?!
That was weird.
In a bed that I paid for?!
What does that have to do with anything?
With your grandfather watching?!
What?
But it wasn't half as crazy as what I really
wanted to yell,
which was "Just stop growing up!"

Look, I'm not sure everything I said here
makes sense,
but...just be careful and respectful.
And you did break a big rule,
so no car privileges for a month.
I don't need it anyway.
I just got dumped.
We sat there like that for 20 minutes.
How was your first day at work?
It was a little rough,
but I kind of stumbled into something.
Aren't you going to ask him, Mommy?
What's he talking about?
Nothing.
I was going to ask you to go to Juárez with
me
next week for my cousin's wedding,
but I know that you don't want to go, so
I'll go alone.
You're really not gonna go?
Well, you heard her. She's fine going
alone.
If that plane leaves the ground and you're
not with her,
you'll regret it.
Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow,
but soon, and for the rest of your life.
What did you say? Is that "Casablanca"?
"It doesn't take much to see"
"the problems of three little people"
"don't amount to a hill of beans in this
crazy world."
"Someday, you'll understand that."
"Now, now."
Here's looking at you, kid.
Gloria! About that wedding --
I'm already booking the ticket!
Okay, it's growing!
I'm on hold with the credit-card company.
We should probably try and figure out
dinner.
I have no idea what we even have in the --
Oh, my God. Lily, look.
Daddy made us all this food.
"Heat for 20 minutes. Love me for the rest
of time."
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1314】-
Modern.Family.S07E22
"The sun will come out tamales."
Oh, my God.
You think he forgot about my curlers
because he was too busy cooking?
Maybe. I don't kn--
Oh, yes. Hello?
Oka-- Okay. Well, thank you.
Um, Daddy bought a plane ticket
to surprise us on the 4th of July.
That's why my credit card was over the
limit.
Now I feel bad for yelling at him.
Yeah, me too.
So, this is the end of the line.
No. No! I told you!
You're gonna come visit, I'll come there
--
No. I meant security.
So... none of that messy stuff,
because this is not goodbye goodbye.
Yeah. We'll leave the drama to those two.
"Promise me you won't forget me, my
darling."
"I'll love you until this pantsuit comes
back in style."
"I don't regret a single minute I've spent
with you."
"I think you're the first man I've ever
loved."
Not a single minute.
You really are the first.
Now, I had pigs and cows when I was growing
up --
Cam!
Oh, my gosh! What are you guys doing here?
We spent the whole day thinking about
ourselves,
and then realized...
you've spent the whole day thinking about
us, too.
So I brought you something to take to
Missouri.
I'm coming with you, Daddy!
Oh, my gosh! I get to keep her for the whole
summer?
- Yeah! - But won't you miss her?
 Modern.Family.S07E22
No. No. Okay, everybody, picture.
Because I'm coming, too! Uh, ma'am? Would you mind?
My good-- well, what about work? get in the back. Get in the back. You're
Well, I figure I could work from there, tall. Okay. Okay.
and, you know, fly back when I need to. All right. And...
Think I could use a summer of smelling fresh And now we're down to three phones.
biscuits -- Hey, boss. It's Dad.
and, apparently, throwing them. I know I just started back,
Well, look who thinks he's gonna qualify but I'm taking a couple of days off, if
his first year. that's okay.
We're gonna be Missourians! And if not, too bad. I'm in Juárez!
Sometimes, you have one of those days Hey, Dad. It's Mitch.
where you are surrounded by people Uh, I'm in Missouri with Cam.
but you still feel pretty lonely. No, it's not a hostage situation.
All you want to do is go home to the comfort Anyway, uh, can you swing by our place and
of your family. water our plants?
But sometimes, even your family can't give Oh, and don't forget about the ficus in the
you that comfort. bedroom.
Because it turns out they've all had one I know how much you love to go in there.
of those days, too. Hey! It's your big sis, ya big sis.
All you can do is wait for days like that So, we all flew to New York this morning.
to be over... Thank God Dad came back to work. He can
so you can go to bed cover for me.
and hope you wake up to a better tomorrow. Anyway. Listen, I think I left the back door
Phil. unlocked.
Phil, I think I hear something in Luke's Can you check?
room. Come to New York! The pretzels are huge!
Again?
What?
We know how much you love Family Camp.
But it was canceled,
and I thought you were all kind of over it.
We may be over it, but we're not over us.
What do you think about Family Camp 2.0?
Yeah, Phil, come on. Cab's gonna be here
any minute.
Don't you have some packing to do?
Why are we always waiting on you?
I don't know where I'm packing for,
but I love this!
All right. How good do these look?
That's why they call them "New York's
Finest."
Yeah, who needs a campfire
when we've got a metal box full of gray
water?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1315】-

Modern.Family.S08E01
Do we really have to leave?
Yeah, can't we just stay a couple more days?
I know -- it's killing me.
Tomorrow's open-mic night at the Apollo.
Look, we'll all come back. I love it here,
too.
Compared to New Yorkers, I'm laid-back.
Now, come on.
Get upstairs and pack, or else you might
miss your flight.
After a great week in New York,
I had to get to Raleigh for the Carolina
Closet Caucus.
Phil and I have always wanted
to drive across the country together,
so we thought we'd make a road trip of it.
- Bye! Bye, guys! - Bye! Bye! Bye!
We'll miss you!
Okay, here's the deal -- We're staying
another night.
What?
You heard mom and dad. They said no.
Well, we'll still get home before them.
They'll never know.
Oh, come on. Andy and I just broke up.
I'm not ready to go back and face life.
Come on, how would we even pay for the
hotel?
We can use Luke's carnival settlement
money.
No way! I earned that.
I'm the one who fell off that ride.
We were the ones who really suffered.
We couldn't turn on lights or make loud
noises
until your head got small again.
We can't use that money. It's for college.
Okay, okay, let's spend it.
Oh, look -- that sushi restaurant we never
made it to.
Oh, yeah. We tried.
They just never had a table for five.
We had a lot of fun, though, didn't we?
- Yes, we did. - Yeah.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1316】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
Never got to get on
one of those horse-drawn carriages through
the park.
Alex's allergies.
Didn't know you could be allergic to
carriage leather.
Still, just so much good family time.
Family time.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
You could blow off the convention.
We could stay here for a romantic few days
but never tell the kids because we just made
them go home?
Yes!
That is the first time you've ever answered
that question right.
Not today!
Oh! Cam, it is so beautiful outside.
You got to --
Ohhhh...right.
We decided to spend the summer in Missouri.
But we arrived to find Cam's grandma on her
deathbed.
Right where we left her at Thanksgiving.
Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more
mindful
of my family situation.
I'm sorry -- I didn't realize the vigil
had drifted out to the common areas.
Cam, come on.
She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall.
Maybe it's time to, you know...
What? What are you saying, Mitchell?
That we should pull the plug?
Lord o' mercy.
Have you even taken your turn sitting with
Gram?
No, she doesn't want me there. She hates
me.
This again.
Cam, she refers to me as "the sissy."
You heard that wrong.
She's hard to understand because of the
dentures she inherited.
You know they were made from the keys of
a child's piano.

What do you even say to someone in a coma?
Well, Mama's reading her poetry.
Lily's reciting scripture.
Pam and I are gonna sing a song we wrote
when we were younger,
"Sweet Home Ala-gramma.",
Okay, yeah, t-teach me that.
Oh, I'm sorry -- Is she your Ala-gramma?
Oh, fine. I'll think of something.
* Onward -- *
Sorry.
This collar itches.
Stop it. You all look so handsome.
We look like The Three Amigos.
We were in Juarez
for my sweet 19-year-old cousin Marisol's
third wedding.
It was so beautiful.
Thank God that they finished that tunnel
in time
for her father to make it.
Ay, Jay, stop with the phone. You're
missing everything.
Hang on -- I'm trying to lock up some
sausages
for Father's Day this weekend.
You wait till the last minute, you wind up
eating
chicken and apple, like some damn hippie.
Double click!
La Diabla. Manny, come dance with me.
Son of a bitch, that's good!
Hola, Jay.
Oh, hey...Sonia.
I see Gloria's avoiding me.
She's still mad because I forwarded her
that mass e-mail.
Could be that, or it could be the last time
you saw her,
you tried to steal me and kill her.
So, how is my sister?
Fantastic. Great.
'Course, with Joe and also her hot-sauce
business,
she got a lot on her plate.
Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1317】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
cookies?
They just call them cookies.
I'll speak with Gloria later.
I have to drop this at the gift table.
Great.
My seat is cold, and the flowers wilted.
I see that my sister has been here.
Will you get over that?
She couldn't have been nicer. We talked
about Joe.
I told her how well your hot-sauce business
was going.
By the way, have you tried one of these
cookies?
Why did you tell her about the sauce?
Everybody, get your things.
We have to leave Juarez right now!
What?! It took me 45 minutes to get into
this outfit!
You know how crazy Sonia can be.
She's gonna be so jealous now that she knows
that I am a very successful businesswoman.
Aren't you 400 bucks in the hole on that
thing?
You don't think this looks bad --
us walking out before dinner?
Joe has a fever, and he -- he's sweating
very much.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna reverse what I said.
Central Park dog rentals -- million-dollar
idea.
Yeah, and maybe it's just the high of being
on vacation,
but is there a bird more majestic than the
American pigeon?
Get dressed. We're going out for
walk-around breakfast pizza.
Oh! Shoot. Forgot my room key.
Oh! I've got to get a picture of this
paneling for my dad.
Aromatic cedar flakeboard -- game
a-changed.
I love my sexy little closet nerd.
Oh, honey.
I'm gonna take a quick tub.

We should check in with the kids from "the
road."
Oh, right, right.
We should also maybe get some ice for
drinks.
Let's wait for him in the lobby. I need
coffee anyway.
The people next door kept me up all night
with their sex noises.
I caught the end of that.
He sounded like a scared ghost.
Oh, my God. It's Mom.
Uh, well, stay calm.
Uh, we're home, we flew in last night.
Oh. Come on. She's gonna want to talk to
Luke.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, sweetie.
I'm coming to you from West Virginia.
What are you girls doing today?
Oh, you know, me and Alex just out shopping.
Who are you talking to?
Dad. Who are you talking to?
- Mom. - Mom.
- The girls. - Luke.
Hold on.
I told them we were in West Virginia.
- What did you say? - Kentucky.
Mom thinks we're shopping.
I told Dad I was making us breakfast.
When have you ever made us breakfast?!
Okay, girls, um, I got to go.
- Us too. Drive safely. - Bye.
Hey, buddy, I should get going.
There's a cop walking towards us.
I guess it looks weird with us parked right
here
on the state border with me up here in
Kentucky
- and your mom in the back seat over in West
Virginia. - Got it.
I should probably finish packing up the
breakfast
I'm bringing to the girls at the shopping
mall where they're shopping.
- Okay. See ya, pal. - See ya.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1318】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
- That's how you do that. - Done.
* Sweet home Ala-gramma *
* Eyes and hair of gorgeous blue *
I'm gonna come back.
No, no, no. I'm glad you're up here.
- We can finish later. - Yeah, yeah.
She likes it when you stroke her hair and
rub her feet.
And, Mitchell, make sure her tongue stays
moist.
How would I -- Ugh.
Hey, Grams.
How's -- How's the coma?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
A-Are you trying to say something?
Grams. Ow, that hurts. Let -- let go.
Grams, l-let go.
Let go, Grams. Let go, Grams!
What the hell are you telling her?
What happened?!
I just walked in,
and Mitchell was telling her to let go, and
she did!
Oh, let go -- let go of my hair.
Somebody call the race track! Get the
doctor!
- Nice turnout. - Sure is.
Grams would hate all these people on her
property.
She sure would.
Hi.
Oh, my God. I can feel your family staring
daggers at me.
Can't believe they think I killed Grams.
Like I'd really be telling her to let go
of life.
Well, you can see how they'd wonder
after you put your suitcase in her room.
It sounds like you're taking their side.
You can't blame them for questioning your
story
about a comatose arthritic woman pulling
your hair.
Not a story. A thing that happened.
- Fine. - Fine.
And you didn't help your case

by accidentally erasing her "Matlocks".
Oh, my God! Just drop it!
No, not -- not the... No. I -- I...
Okay, so, when do you guys think you're
gonna be back?
Definitely by Father's Day.
Oh, okay. Well, we miss you guys.
But at least it's still only three more
days.
Was it a little risky?
Not as long as the master did the talking.
Aww. Love you both. Bye.
We miss you guys.
Got to run outside and paint the mailbox.
All you had to do was say goodbye.
Now we have to paint the mailbox when we
get home.
Sorry.
It just popped into my head
when I saw the Statue of Liberty holding
that paintbrush.
You know, what she used to paint freedom
in America.
Yeah.
The key to a good lie is keep it simple.
Well, why don't I stop talking
about how good it is here and just bring
you some?
Okay. Bye-bye.
We need to pick up a wheel of Arizona spicy
sheep cheese.
Couldn't you just say goodbye?!
Claire, the sign says "No loud noises."
You'll scare David Blaine.
So, he just sits in jello for four days?
I don't get how that's magic.
You wouldn't.
I wish Dad was here.
He'd love this.
Well, he isn't, and neither are we.
Remember how Luke used to call it
"jeh-woh"?
I hate that I can't share this with him.
Magic isn't about secrets and tricking
people.
Phil! Get it together.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1319】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
Like your boyfriend, David Blaine,
we're taking how we did this to the grave.
I just feel bad that he's missing out.
This is our thing.
You will never tell him about this,
or we will finish what that unlicensed
carnival started, okay?
The morning we were set to fly back for
Father's Day,
a storm in the midwest canceled our flight.
Let's just get to the airport, and we will
find a flight.
- Taxi! - Damn it! It's already taken!
Okay, so I think I got us on a flight through
Denver.
Do you mind the middle seat?
If it'll help.
This can't all be carnival-related.
Taxi!
Taxi!
Ay, Jay, I was going to cook the sausage.
Hey, I don't mind.
He's taking over because we screwed up
the last few Father's Days.
Don't be silly. I got this.
When I think of the last few Father's Days,
I quake with rage.
Hey, maybe put a little thought into it.
Maybe we don't order the pizza.
And if we do,
maybe we get enough crazy bread for
everybody.,
I'm sorry, but who made Father's Day
the dirty stepchild of holidays?!
We don't even have a song.
- Daddy? - What?
Got you a present.
That's my boy!
Let's see. What do we got in here?
Hey. An ice bucket.
I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel.
So I took some things, too.
Then some bigger things.
I like stealing.
It makes my heart go fast.
And what's in the ice bucket?

A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.
Who's here so early?
Sonia, what are you doing here?
You left Juarez so fast, I didn't get to
say goodbye.
We're sisters. We shouldn't fight.
I miss you.
Okay, got it.
Gloria!
Sonia. I'm sorry. Come in.
No, I couldn't.
No, you came from so far away.
Come on in. Stay awhile.
Thank you, Jay.
The Mexican cookies.
I never thought I'd see those again.
Let me help you with those.
- Hey, Aunt Sonia. - Hola, Manny.
I have some luggage in the car. Come help
me.
- Okay. - Help your aunt. Go ahead.
Why did you let her in?
You have to talk to her.
I really think she's here to apologize.
You don't know her like I do.
Ohh! Wait! What are you doing?!
Great, Jay. Now she kidnapped Manny.
Why are you so calm?
Shouldn't we follow them or call the
police?
No, it's just a kidnapping. It's normal in
my family.
Ransom call.
Mom, I'm really scare--
She wants my hot-sauce business in exchange
for Manny.
Good! Then she owes us 400 bucks.
We get the kid back.
No deal.
I'll handle it.
My sister, my problem.
My holiday!
Oh! That's the kids pulling up right now.
- Just act normal. - I was born normal.
Not really. They said I came out with bangs.
Hey. Now all we have to do is stick the
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1320】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
landing.
Don't blow it by acting weird.
- Oh! I missed you! - Buddy!
Oh, how was the drive?!
Oh, it was great.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
We would have been here a lot earlier,
but there was a ton of traffic on...
A-America.
What do you say we go find Grandpa, huh?
- Yes. - Here we go. Let's go.
So, uh, good week?
Same.
- Oh, my God. They're talking. - Are they?
All right, you chatterboxes.
Let's get this party started, huh?
Yeah, it's almost 4:00.
That was great.
- Really? - No.
But that's how you lie.
Go splash some water on your face.
Hey, guys.
Hi! How are you?
Hi. Where are Cam and Lily?
Uh, they're still at the farm.
I got banished.
Sounds like you're ramping up to a story,
but I got some stuff going on, so...
Okay. Good to be home.
Okay, so Cam's grandmother, the one who
called me a sissy,
she died.
And I -- I was alone with her when it
happened,
and the family thinks that I nudged it
along.
- Cam's grandma died? - Oh, my God.
You still do that thing where you smile
whenever you talk about death.
It's just a coping mechanism. It's gonna
pass.
You've been doing it since I was 10 years
old
and we buried my hamster in the backyard.
His name was Whiskers.
Can you be a human being for one second?

Okay?
So, Cam totally took his family's side
when they all turned against me.
Well, that's just a reflex.
You always take your family's side.
Oh, come on. Where is that written?
Remember when you first brought Cam home
and I privately said to you,
"You might want to move on from this one,"
and Dad said, "I thought you liked men"?
And then when Cam thought
he was picking up on us not liking him,
you told Cam he was crazy.
I guess I did do that, huh?
God, you and Dad are mean.
Aww. Says the murderer.
Gloria, we can't sit around doing nothing.
Call Sonia.
Tell her to bring Manny and the cookies to
a neutral place,
and we'll make the exchange.
Why would I make an exchange? We have all
the leverage.
She has your son.
What is she gonna do? Raise Manny?
Don't worry. He's going to be fine.
There's got to be a better way.
My parents will be worried sick.
Why does she want your sauce business,
anyway?
Well, maybe she has a reason to think
that it should be partly hers.
My late aunt
gave that hot-sauce recipe to both of us.
Not just Gloria.
Sonia didn't care about the recipe.
She was very lazy.
I said, "Maybe I'll go to America and sell
the sauce.
Try to make something of myself."
So I gently talked her out of it.
She told me my idea was stupid --
just like all my ideas.
And then I changed my mind, and I did her
dream.
What is she so mad about?
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1321】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
I'm sorry to involve you in this feud.
It's okay.
I'm actually starting to see your side of
this.
Thank you.
As long as this isn't that thing
where the person gets kidnapped and then
--
Why am only now noticing how beautiful you
are?
Ay, dios mio.
Surprise!
Happy Father's Day!
Wait -- you guys flew in?
Yeah, I just wanted us to all be together
today.
In spite of your thoughtlessness and
insensitivity.
Okay, those mean the same thing, but okay.
Look, I just want you to know
I understand why you took your family's
side.
And I am sorry I put you in that position.
Oh, I appreciate that, Mitchell.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Can I get our gifts out of the car?
Grams left us all something in her will --
even you.
She left me something! Aww.
Even though you're stubborn and pigheaded.
Okay, again -- Oh...
Manny's here.
I had to bring him back.
He was driving me crazy with his googly
eyes.
My eyes are but lifeless orbs compared to
--
Yeah, go get me a beer.
How dare you take my son.
How dare you take my business model.
Guys, we have a party going on.
Let's take it over here.
Now, Gloria, you have admitted yourself
that you have a history of stealing things
from this one here.
Oh, here we go.
 Modern.Family.S08E01
Sonia's perfect, Let -- You know, we can do this later.
and Gloria can't do anything right! You opened yours.
You sound just like my father! Okay.
Hold on. "When Cam first brought you here,
Are you saying that all this I thought I'd never get used to you.
is about some weird competition over your I was raised to hate your kind.
father? But seeing how happy you make my grandson,
This is why you sabotage my whole life? I... couldn't help but come to care for
Because Papa loved me more? you."
Don't love that. Cam. I was wrong about her.
Oh, my God. I guess so. Yes. You were.
I can't believe it. Now, let's put this someplace safe.
You are jealous of me. No, no, wait. There's more. There's more.
Just in that one area. "Who else but you
But I shouldn't treat you badly because should inherit my beloved Oriental fan?
Papa choose you. I hope it don't make you homesick."
It must have been hard for a little girl. She said I was gonna get that fan.
When you lose a love like that at such a Well, you know, she did get very stupid near
young age, the end.
you spend the rest of your life trying to Okay, well, gift time seems to be over.
replace it. Okay, Cam. This is Lily's gift, isn't it?
Okay. No.
Listen, if you want the hot-sauce business, Oh! So you're the big sissy!
take it -- it's yours. Here.
No, no. Your jealousy is all I need. Her lipsticks!
I want to give you something that is very Oh. I suppose you're gonna read into this,
precious to me. too.
Not Manny. Wow, those sausages smell fantastic!
It's something that I should have given you You all right, Dad?
a long time ago Yeah, I guess I could say a few words.
that is gonna keep you close to Papa I appreciate you guys honoring me on this
forever. great holiday.
Oh! Lily, we were gonna open Grams' gifts But I'm not the only dad here.
together! You three lucked out a little bit in that
I couldn't wait. Grams left you a watch. department, right?
Oh! The note says, We sure did.
"Your grandpa tore it right off of Best job I ever had.
a dead kraut's wrist." Raising two dynamite ladies
Oh, that's so sweet! and the...best buddy a guy could ever ask
And I got these. for.
"Enjoy all my old lipstick, Oh, what is with this?
you big sissy." - No crazy bread this year? - Yeah!
Why did she call me a sissy? We stayed in New York for five more days.
I -- She doesn't -- And I saw David Blaine in jello,
Oh! We're opening Grams' gifts, huh? and I've been dying to tell you, but they
- This must be yours. - Okay. wouldn't let me!

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1322】-

You're a disgrace.
Oh, my God! Your mother and I --
Are furious! Furious!
You were in New York this whole time,
and you didn't say anything --
Now, I don't know what can of worms this
is,
but I know this is my day,
and I want you to calm down.
Is that a phone in your pocket?
That's my phone.
I've been looking for this since yesterday.
I steal now.
Phil, did you text me?
Oh, yeah, um, claire asked me to send you
a picture
of the closet in our New York hotel.
Oh, my God! Is this you naked?!
What?
Why?
Honey, will you send my dad a picture of
that closet
before I forget?
Oh! No.
Hey. What's all the --
O...kay. No, thanks.
I already have confusing feelings for one
relative.
All...right. Can this just be done now?
How did you even --
Wait a minute. It is raining in the
background.
But it didn't rain while we were all there.
It only rained in New York yesterday.
Oh, my God! You stayed in New York without
us!
We're liars!
I'm so sorry.
No, it's my fault. I -- I kept the lie going.
Okay, are we really glossing over the fact
that I figured something out?
I'll tell you what else we're glossing over
--
how bad you all are at Father's Day.
I've got one son who's a kleptomaniac,
the other who's in love with his own aunt
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1323】-
Modern.Family.S08E01
--
creepy even by your standards --
and a daughter who I was forced to see naked
as the day she was born.
Come on, Cam. Kiss me like the sissy I am!
- Right on cue. - Oh, God.
Happy Father's Day to me.
Icing on the cake -- I just found out
my own wife has major daddy issues.
Makes me wonder if that's the whole reason
she's with me.
Dad, come on.
We may have ruined your day, yes,
but now you're just spiraling.
I mean, every relationship has its issues,
and Gloria adores you!
Take the win.
You think?
Papa was so handsome.
- Yes! - Yes. Yes. Yes!
All right!
You each have a sausage on your plate
I selected based on your individual
personality and temperament.
Is this blood sausage? Because mine's pink.
Oh, my mine's pink, t--
Oh. Very funny, Dad.
Now take a bite of bread,
a sip of water to cleanse the palate.
Mine smells spicy.
Show of hands. Who heard me say "Smell your
sausage"?
The box said these pigs were massaged
daily,
then killed from behind to
keep the panic hormone from tainting the
meat.
They were murdered from behind?
The three things I want you to pay attention
to
are bouquet, texture, and finish.
You may begin.
Can I have some ketchup?
We are done here.
 Modern.Family.S08E02
Welcome home.
Modern.Family.S08E02 Open house went great. Lots of interested
Oh! Oh. Good morn-ing. buyers.
How did I spend my summer vacation? Fun fact -- Some stranger, probably a long
I got over my breakup with Andy. time ago,
I got a job at Grandpa's country club. wrote their last will and testament right
- I got mono. - Too close! here on your wall.
Put your mask on! Trust me on this.
No one misses two weeks at Caltech and Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours?
catches up. Why aren't you all making posters?
What am I gonna do? I figured you were in your office.
Well, honey, I think you need to focus I went to bed really early last night,
on getting a little bit stronger, and when I woke up this morning, I thought
a little bit healthier and just a little you'd gone for a run.
farther. Alex? I can't believe this!
How do nerds even get mono? Well, honey, the important thing is that
Did you all practice by kissing the same you are okay.
pillow? Now, I'm very sorry, but I've got to get
Shouldn't you be at work by now? to work.
I got fired. We are bidding a big job against my old
My plan was to hide it from my parents until nemesis,
I got a new job, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
but with smarty-pants Alex home, I'm back in there.
I had to be more careful, or she was going I want to live outside.
to figure it out. No, Senor, we're not having that argument
Her being super-sick is coming at a really anymore.
bad time for me. Mowgli lives outside.
You got in late last night, huh? Is Mowgli that dirty kid at his preschool
Yeah. It was payday, whose parents drive the car that runs on
and a game of craps broke out in the French fry oil?
kitchen. No. It's that dirty kid that runs around
See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's. "The Jungle Book."
You're giving it back, and remember, the Jay, tell him he can't.
second that job First time I saw "Tarzan," I wanted to live
interferes with your grades, you're done. outside.
Did you finish your history report? Dad said fine. I walked in the woods, met
Just got to dot the I's and cross the T's... a hobo.
and put in all the other letters. Taught me how to open a can with a bird's
It's okay, everybody! beak.
I'm alive! That story's not helping!
I had a traumatic experience after an open I'm doing it.
house. No! Jay!
Have a good one. Of course not.
Oh, no. Why learn self-reliance when the
Monday lunch, Monday dinner. industrial machine
Tuesday breakfast, Tuesday lunch. depends on constant consumption?

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1324】-

No eggs for me. I'll be having porridge.
Are you really still doing this?
Over the summer, I went to a wedding in
Ju·rez and met Frida,
this amazing girl who enlightened me
to how Communism can rid the world of
injustice.
Mm. What a beautiful reception.
Yeah.
Oh, right. That's a bad thing.
I live simply now, and it's good for me.
Might it also help my chance of kissing her
one day? Yes.
And if that requires living in a world
where the government chooses all our songs,
so be it.
I'm gonna take a coffee
to the guy putting up the security cameras.
It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay.
It's dignity.
And I'm going to fight for that
until my fingers are raw and my back is
bent.
Six months ago, we took you to the
dermatologist
for taking too many bubble baths.
Brought you this.
Oh, thanks. Almost done here.
Take your time.
Important thing is...
Oh, no.
Guess what.
A black family's moving in right across the
street
the same day my security cameras are going
up.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I made the appointment weeks ago
right after the break-in down the street.
But they'll think I made the call the minute
I saw them
because I'm a racist old man.
Why would the neighbors just assume that
you're a racist?
Gloria, Gloria, Gloria.
You'll never understand the stereotypes
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1325】-
Modern.Family.S08E02
old white men face.
Goal!
Nice shot, Tom.
Do you want to play with us?
You know, I'm off contact sports right now.
I twisted my ankle playing running
charades,
but you two should get ready for dance
class.
Okay, go. Go, go, go!
Okay, why do you look so satisfied?
Did you just listen to an NPR story
that proved you right about something?
No, no, but you know Tom,
the friend that Lily's playing with?
Well, I know of him. We haven't formally
been introduced.
Well, it turns out that Tom used to identify
as...Tina.
Oh, I wish you wouldn't have told me.
You know how proud I am of my gender
identificadar.
Well, Tom's been having some problems at
school,
and -- and Lily has been really respectful
of him.
Oh, she is so sweet.
She really is.
She gets all the credit on this one.
This so doesn't matter.
We raised her to have an open mind.
Totally. We deserve some kudos here, too.
There's enough kudos for everyone.
You know, a kudo would be an excellent name
for a parenting award.
Oh, thank you, Gwyneth.
Lily, if you're still watching, go to bed.
Get out of here, you weirdo!
Part of being the boss is being a bummer.
It was hard at first, but I've learned to
accept it...
mostly.
It's really been...
Margaret, you knew I was in here.
Sorry. I just had some messages.
Uh-huh. Luke's guidance counselor --

Luke fell asleep in class again.
Haley's car payment is late.
And the credit-card company.
Phil made a large purchase
on a Tibetan website called
CopingCandles.Com.
Tell the creative team to get their giggles
out.
I'll be ready for them in 10.
But when you've been the bummer all day at
work,
you don't love having to be the bummer at
home, too.
Hi, honey. Is your brother around? I need
to yell at him.
Of course he's around.
Why would he leave me in peace
to do some work at the kitchen table
when he could just barge in and --
Luke! Game down!
This is your senior year,
also known as your last year to not suck.
- Honey. - Dad, you hit "Place order" once,
and then you wait for the confirmation.
- I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry! Be smart!
That angry screeching
was the sweet sound of my new home bummer.
I'm just so tired and in pain and irritable.
It just makes me so mad at everyone.
Sorry for yelling, Mom. Why were you
calling again?
I forgot.
Damn it, Mom! Write it down next time!
All right.
Here we are.
Okay. Don't forget to give Funkmaster Linda
her check
for today's class.
- Bye, Tom. - Bye, Tom.
Hey, Lily. Can you hang back a second?
I shouldn't. Linda says being late is
wiggity-wack.
We just want to know why you called Tom a
weirdo
back at the house.
I don't know.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1326】-
Modern.Family.S08E02
Okay, well, we don't make fun of people who
are different, okay?
- You know how hard it was for Daddy and
me? - Yeah.
Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated
that one of my best friends was an old
scarecrow
I found in the creek.
Some of your stories would be more
impactful
with fewer details.
Fine. I won't do it again. Can I go now?
Okay, but -- but do you understand why what
you did is wrong?
Yes!
Well, this bothers me.
They're getting along great, and then one
little spat,
and her instinct is to go all baby bigot
on him?
Well -- and I say this with love --
she did just get back from spending a full
summer
with your family in Missouri.
Oh. So we're blaming my family, then?
I'm -- I'm just saying maybe when she gets
back from there,
she needs to be reminded of our values.
You know -- un-hick her.
Oh, the H-bomb!
Possibly the most offensive slur
ever thrown around in the South.
Well...y--
Look, I-I love those people, too,
but you did just admit
they can be a little close-minded down
there.
Well, they are a little bit set in their
ways.
It was actually illegal to run for mayor
without a mustache
- until 1980. - See? It's --
- And then again from '82 to '85. - Okay.
Input.
Input!
Please don't throw the remote again.

Oh, I was just, like, trying to get signal.
Don't blame me about breaking the other
ones.
One got stepped on,
and the other one fell down the garbage
disposal.
You're not even trying.
Anyways, stop worrying about the remote
control
and worry about your own dog.
She's peeing in the corner.
Maybe if you ever leave her outside,
she will guard us, and we wouldn't need
cameras.
First of all, Stella's not peeing in the
corner,
because I housebroke her myself.
Second of all, no dog of mine should ever
have to work.
There he is. There's my old pal.
Jay. How you doing, huh?
I'm so glad you called.
I haven't been good about seeing people
since Reynetta left.
Did you hear? She started dating my
brother!
Listen, it's such a nice day. Let's go
outside.
Isn't your backyard nicer?
Nah. It's all pool and chairs.
So, how you been, buddy?
I want to tell you everything is okay so
you won't worry,
but things have been real bad.
You know what might help?
You pop that hat off, you get a little sun
on your face.
Ooh! The sun is rough on my eyes.
I cry almost every day.
Pretty much, the only time I'm happy is when
I clean my gun.
Yeah, life, huh? Here, give me a hug.
There you go. Oh.
There you go. You're a good friend, Jay.
You got your own problems, but you're right
there for me.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1327】-
Modern.Family.S08E02
Damn it!
Why do you need them to know you have a black
friend?
I'm putting security cameras in the same
day they move in.
I'm mad about that, but it feels good to
be held.
Come here.
Come here.
Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety --
My imprisonment in the closet
resulted in all the symptoms of PTSD.
My insurance company helped me to find a
therapy dog
and agreed to cover everything,
and then they found out I wasn't in the
military.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Alex, honey, could you help me reset
the router?!
Oh! No.
Bad luck! Bad luck!!
Alex's laptop had every piece of homework
she ever did in high school.
It was the Holy Grail...
I think.
Thanks to Alex's hard work,
I don't know what that is and never will.
Not again!
Oh, Dad, I didn't know you were home.
Haley, thank God.
Could you reset the router for me?
I would, but I took a late lunch from work,
which I have to get back to work.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
I think I'm just hyperventilating.
Should pass in like 20 minutes or s-so.
Okay, well, I'm gonna head back.
Wouldn't want to be consistently late
and get fired, right?
Alex, honey.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Input! I know you can hear me
because I can see your green light!
It's like one of those videos where the pit

bull
swims with the baby chick.
You just know something bad's gonna happen.
Where are your keys? I need the jumper
cables.
- What happened? - I spent the last hour
in my car,
listening to the Commodores with my windows
down,
and the neighbors didn't even come outside.
That must be your good friends the Harlem
Globetrotters.
- Hey. - Hey!
Gloria invited us to sit by the pool
till we have to pick up Lily at hip-hop.
My Asian granddaughter takes a hip-hop
class?
Why are we not talking about this in the
front yard?
We brought cupcakes. Manny, cupcake?
Oh, I see. Fill my mouth with bourgie
opiates
so I can't speak for the people?
That was a lot.
He's trying to get a Communist girl to kiss
him.
We have our own kid problems.
I mean, we had an incident this afternoon
during Lily's playdate with Tom,
who used to identify as... Tina.
I don't totally get the hand thing, but I
like it.
They had a fight, and Lily said the worst
possible thing.
I mean, that poor boy's been through enough.
Mm.
Oh, I am sure that the parents have gone
through a lot, too.
Sure. You just don't get comfortable
with something like that overnight.
Let me ask you guys something.
If, someday, Lily wanted to be Lou
and had the whole chop-chop, bing-bang
thing,
how would you be with that?
- We love Lily. - Lou.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1328】-
Modern.Family.S08E02
We love Lou.
- And there's nothing she could do -- - He.
- He. -There's nothing he could do
that would change that.
So you wouldn't even need the minute that
Tom's parents did?
Well, no, no. Maybe a minute.
I mean, there'd-there'd be a lot of things
that I'd be giving up
that I've always imagined doing,
like -- like walking her down the aisle in
her wedding dress.
- You know? - Or whispering in her husband's
ear
that he'll never replace me.
Well, that's interesting, because the
minute it took me
to accept the fact that my son
was living a different
kind of life than the one that I
anticipated,
Mitchell called me an
old, straight, white bigot.
And now you're just like me.
Oh, my God, Mitchell. Are we where Lily gets
it?
Are we not as open-minded as we think?
But that's our thing -- lording our
tolerance over others.
I guess what this proves is,
there's a little bit of prejudice in
everyone --
you, me,
the neighbor across the street judging me
for my cameras.
I'm gonna do what I should have done at the
beginning --
talk to them.
That's not a good idea.
Watch me!
Joe, you're not going to live outside!
Fine!
Alex is never away from her laptop,
so I had to steal assignments one at a time.
I'm not proud of stealing,
but I'm not unproud of how I'm stealing.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry,
but now that you're awake,
what happened in here, huh?
I'll tell you what happened here --
the same thing that's been happening all
damn day!
Me dealing with animals who don't care
that we are air-conditioning the outside
and insist on rotting their brains by
watching vapid housewives
spit wine on each other.
And you. Can't even be bothered to use a
plate!
Oh, she's a bummer, huh?
Something funny?
No.
What are you even doing home?
Don't you cat-sit for your boss on Tuesday
nights?
Alex, maybe you'd feel better if we went
for a walk
or a ride in the car, huh? Go for a ride
in the car!
You know what? There are just too many
distractions here.
I don't care how sick I am. I have to go
back to college.
- No! - No!
- No, no, no, no, no. - Of course you do!
Was I the kind of person
who would send her sick sister back to
school
just to keep her from figuring out I got
fired?
Did I use her laptop
to get through community college?
Let's get you back there. It's Friday
night.
Maybe there's a party you can listen to.
- Excuse me. I don't mean to bug you. -
Hello.
You're just moving in. I'm right across the
street.
- Listen. - Let me stop you.
You had the cameras scheduled,
worried about how it would look,
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1329】-
Modern.Family.S08E02
brought your black friend out,
blasted Commodores.
It's not my first time moving into a white
neighborhood.
- We're good. - Yeah?
I did my residency in New Hampshire.
All right. Listen, you guys need anything,
let me know.
You got it. I'm Shawn, by the way.
- Jay Pritchett. - Jay.
It's okay, Gloria. All handled.
This is my wife, Gloria.
This is Shawn -- and I want to get this
right,
beautiful African name -- Shawn M'badawe.
I said, "by the way."
Hey, Lily. We need to talk.
I was actually just heading out.
No. Sit down, please.
Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom,
okay?
Even though Daddy and I
aren't always as open-minded as we should
be,
we-we want you to be better than us.
O-kay.
No. Listen. We accept people for who they
are.
Daddy and I would accept you no matter what
--
boy, girl, gay, straight...
though, if you're a lesbian,
please be the fun kind.
I didn't yell at Tom because he used to be
Tina.
- What? - I yelled at him 'cause he made
fun of...
Made fun of what?
- What's-What's to make fun of? - Oh, thank
God.
He called you guys weirdos for putting that
painting up,
so I called him a weirdo.
Well, honey, why didn't you tell us?
'Cause I didn't want your feelings to get
hurt.

Get hurt? How?
Because that rube Tom knows nothing about
art?
Cam, she was protecting us.
But you don't have to, sweetie, okay?
Don't feel like you can't be honest with
us
just to protect our feelings.
- Really? - Really.
Hey, you can tell us anything.
Okay.
I hate the painting, too.
It was hard for us to hear, but in the spirit
of tolerance,
we accepted the fact that a 9-year-old
might not want to fall asleep
under the watchful eyes of her half-naked
fathers.
Call the Sistine Chapel. I guess art is out.
So, do you hate the whole idea of murals,
or just --
Roll!
It's going to be so exciting
to get back to all that science stuff again.
You know -- beakers, calculators, ray guns.
Alex, are you sure you don't want
to spend a few more days here to recover?
You can sleep on the end of our bed if you
want to.
-Yeah, stay, Alex. -Sleeping does sound
good.
Doesn't it?
But, first, how about you take a nice, hot
shower?
I just hope that big pile of wet towels
isn't on the floor
like it was this morning.
Aww, you guys are so sweet.
No, but what -- what about all the science
stuff?
All the fun. You know -- snapping each other
in the butts
- with your goggle straps. - You know what?
Staying here a few more days
may help me kick this sickness a little
faster.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1330】-
Modern.Family.S08E02
There you go. Wait a second.
I thought I already packed my laptop.
Why is it on the hallway table?
Uh, why is anything anywhere?
Why aren't our feet at the end of our arms?
Who opened my 12th-grade "Grapes of Wrath"
essay?
Oh, my God. You just want me to stay here
so you can steal all of my old homework.
Wow. I can't wait to hear what you have
to say about this lapse in judgment.
Hey, it's better than what Mom's doing.
She's just using you to yell at us.
I would nip that back talk in the bud.
I can't believe it. He's right!
Honey, you're getting upset again.
Come on. Let's go get a treat.
Stop with the petting and -- and the walks.
You're using me as a therapy dog.
That's ridiculi--
Am I?
Well...what about what Luke's doing?
We just dealt with him.
And, Haley...
you are the only one who really cares about
me.
That's it! I'm going back to school.
I will drive you, sweetie.
Alex, no. Stop! Stay!
How do you ask a human not to go, again?
-Alex, wait! -Right.
We're still leaving. She's just catching
her breath.
Come on. I feel so bad. I had no idea what
I was doing.
I feel worse. I really, really knew what
I was doing.
Our poor sick daughter.
We should be taking care of her.
So, is knowing all this enough,
or do we have to, like, do something?
Breaks my heart.
I should quit my job and nurse her back to
health.
You got fired, didn't you?
Alex had to take the semester off.
 Modern.Family.S08E02
I was disappointed 'cause she was
disappointed,
but I was also kind of happy to have her
home a little longer.
Aww. Mask!
Cam?
Oh, I just wanted to tell her how proud I
was
of how she handled herself today,
but she's already asleep. Well,
you can tell her in the morning, okay?
Oh, by the way, I found an article online
about a family of Montenegrin art restorers
--
Let it go, babe. Come on. Come on.
Oh, Cam.
Look what she did.
Jay, what are you doing? Come to bed.
I've got these new state-of-the-art
cameras.
I thought I'd review the day,
see how many times our neighbor glared at
us.
Wait a second.
Is that Manny licking cupcake wrappers from
the trash?
I knew he'd fold.
Ah, the vigor. It's almost pornographic.
Are these cameras everywhere?
Yeah. That's the garbage area.
Then we got the backyard, front door.
Go inside. Wait.
That's Joe peeing in the corner, not
Stella.
That's it. He lives outside now.
Come. We'll watch him from the cameras.
Hold on.
You have a problem.
I'm gonna get you one of those rubber
remotes,
they put in nursery schools
- and insane asylums. - Thank you.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1331】-

Modern.Family.S08E03
I'm so glad you like the house! Hey, so a
few things --
One, all the appliances are included,
two, the previous residents were murdered
there,
and three, it just passed mold inspection.
So, when should we --
Yeah. I get it.
Well, we'll -- we'll just keep looking.
Although it does give the house character.
If those walls could talk.
I agree. It's not funny. Bye-bye.
It's okay, honey. You're gonna sell that
murder house.
Thanks.
"Ahh, Get this blood off me!"
What? Wh-- Off who?
The Walls.
You mean Barb and Thad Wall? Are they in
trouble?
Morning.
Oh, would you like some coffee?
God, no. I've been up all night. I got to
get to bed.
Hey, can you guys not use, like, the blender
or vacuum or anything?
I just need five hours.
So, I guess we've stopped looking for a new
job?
Actually, we have.
Your daughter has gone into business for
herself.
Great. What kind of business?
I put a group of girls together,
and we promote clubs and stuff via social
media.
That doesn't sound like a real job.
Your last job barely sounded like a real
job.
We made $500 last night for promoting a
hookah bar.
I remember when you were a little girl.
You told me you wanted your job to be
"Princess."
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1332】-
Modern.Family.S08E03
I would kill for those days.
"Is that why you're dressed like a hookah?"
Honey, you're not making sense again.
Do you need to lie down?
Mom, I knew you would be like this.
Dad, you understand what I'm doing, right?
Of course. Power of social media.
I'm on "Team Gets It."
Can you guys just give me a chance
to get this thing off the ground?
Yes. We can.
I always keep an open mind.
Fine. You take this one. My plate's full.
I've got a meeting at school today
to discuss Luke's college options.
Should be a short meeting.
Throw it, baby! Throw it!
Yes!
Dwight, that's the way you read the
reverse.
Gentlemen, circle up!
We are 3-0, but if we're gonna go all the
way,
we all need to be as mentally
and physically tough as Dwight.
- Coach? - Yes?
You know my dad's in the service?
He's being restationed to Florida.
What?
Today's my last day.
Okay, uh...
everybody get some water.
- Coach, you okay? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Welcome, welcome!
- Hello! - Shall we start?
Shouldn't we wait for Luke's guidance
counselor?
Mrs. Marks is going through a terrible
divorce.
She's very fragile right now.
So I'm trying to keep the more challenging
cases away from her.
None taken.
I have been perusing your transcript.
And, uh, apropos of nothing --
You know, not every kid is destined for

college.
But Luke is, right?
Okay, I'll play along.
The reality is that Luke's grades and test
scores
are what we educators call suboptimal.
Is that good?
See what I'm talking about?
So, we're gonna have to really juice
the extracurriculars, okay?
Is there anything he's, uh, passionate
about?
I love chicken pot pie.
Remember when I said I would do most of the
talking?
Principal Brown!
Leslie Kwan Collins from The Daily Dolphin.
Yeah. I know who you are, Leslie.
Must we do this dance every single time?
Would you like to issue a statement about
Eric Thompson's
abrupt resignation as Student Council
President?
Sure. Here's my statement -- Pbht!
My sources say that he was caught selling
school saxophones on Craigslist.
Well, guess you could say you had a "Sax"
Scandal, then.
A sax scandal -- I'm running with that.
Oh, thanks a lot for that. Very helpful.
So, where did we land?
We're putting Luke on Adderall or taking
him off? I forget.
We weren't discussing Adderall.
Although, Adderall has helped a lot of
kids.
Hey, we need a new president. Why don't I
just do that?
Maybe it'll be cool.
I do like bossing people around.
That's called leadership.
Wow, look at you.
I think I'm maturing.
Luke, this is a lot of work.
Are you sure you're up for it?
Mom, it's all I've ever wanted
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1333】-
Modern.Family.S08E03
since I heard about it a minute ago.
Yeah. Well, I think you should go for it.
I can't think of a single reason why not.
All right, girls.
So, I have a couple notes about last night.
Arizona, I was looking at your selfies.
- Are your parents mallards? - What?
What's with all the duckface?
You look like you're at a bachelorette
party in Tampa.
And, Katen, did I see you drinking a water
at The Red Room?
I had to wake up early in the morning.
Oh, yes, because that's what we're
promoting --
a club where people make good decisions.
I'm sorry!
You are so weak.
I can't believe I let you kiss me in front
of the Lakers.
Not to sound like a total Katen,
but Haley's new job seems whack.
If Haley wants to work in promotion,
she should learn from my guy -- Mr. Merv
Schechter.
Among his brilliant innovations --
the indoor blimp that drops coupons at
basketball games.
Sadly, it was later weaponized
by several terrorist organizations.
Hey, Jay, do you need to julienne any
vegetables?
- What? - If so, you can use the knife
your grandson jammed in my back.
Well, that was worth the journey.
What happened, papi?
Luke decided to run against me
for Student Council President.
I've devoted my entire life to public
service,
only to be challenged by a guy who's devoted
his entire life
to watching skateboard fails on YouTube.
Luke's running for President?
I mean, I love him, but --
Jay is right. Luke is a dummy.

Never said that.
He wants a fight, he's got one.
I'm going to hit my step-nephew
with so many stinging rejoinders
that he'll be crying step-uncle.
Yes! Dynamic wordplay!
High-school kids love that!
- He's gonna lose. - He might not.
Really, you want to roll those dice? Hmm.
Remember how depressed he got when he lost
the last election?
Hi, Daddy.
There she is -- our little girl!
Mitchell, do you remember back before we
had her
how we were so worried that an extra person
would make the house feel so crowded?
Uh... no. I don't remember that at all.
Oh, boy, were we wrong.
- You didn't want me? - This isn't about
you, honey.
I think Daddy's ramping up to something.
Anyhoo, there's a football player on the
team
who needs a place to stay until the end of
football --
No. No, no, no.
- Would you let me finish? - Okay, fine.
Go ahead.
Season.
No. He can't stay here.
Cam, we don't have the room.
He can sleep in the den.
I love the den. I watch TV in the den.
Besides, where are you gonna sleep tonight
after this fight?
He can sleep in the apartment upstairs?
No. We need the rent to pay the mortgage.
I'm sorry, Cam. It's not gonna happen.
Coach, can I come in yet?
See, now you've put me in an awkward
position.
Why can't he stay with someone else?
Because I'm his football coach, and his
father trusts me.
Cam, why you always --
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1334】-
Modern.Family.S08E03
- Hey! - Hey!
- Hi. - Hey.
Why do you always insist on making these
big decisions
without discussing it with me first?
- I do not. - You asked that couple
we met at the car-rental counter to
vacation with us.
It would have been rude not to.
It was our honeymoon.
- Sorry, your... - doorknob came off.
- It sure did, big guy! - Again?
Okay, that's fine.
I'm already hating this.
I don't want to be critical.
You got to be kidding me.
This is not one of your more loveable
traits.
- What isn't? - Always saying "No" to things
and then eventually coming around.
Why can't we just skip to the good part?
I think you'd have a different attitude
about this
if I was the one constantly making
unilateral decisions.
If it was something important to you, I
would support it.
Oh. Are you sure about that?
100%, and once you get to know Dwight the
way...
I do, you will find that he will enrich --
Okay, Dwight, please stop moving.
Hola, Luke!
Hey, guys. What are you doing in my room?
Just wanted to see my favorite grandson.
You guys been drinking?
No more than usual.
I heard a rumor that you're running
for Student Council President.
Yep. I'm working on my speech right now.
Good.
I know I wouldn't want any part of that
nonsense.
Me either -- not very sexy.
It takes so much time and then you wouldn't
even have a chance to ride your mini-bike.
 Modern.Family.S08E03
I don't have a mini-bike. And select all, delete.
Yet. But if you play ball... Hey! I got to be me.
Hey, Luke, No, you got to be less you.
I need you to take the -- If you want this, you got to out-Manny
What are you guys doing in here? Manny.
They're trying to bribe me not to run for Oh! Where's that suit I got you for Alex's
president. graduation?
What? That was a year ago.
Manny has been working all his life to be I can't fit into that anymore,
president, because of my gu--
and now Luke just salsas in I know, I got it.
and tries to take it away from him. This was full.
It's not fair. Sorry.
Look, this means a lot to Luke, too. You're just gonna be disappointed.
It's given him a whole new sense of purpose. Good morning, everyone.
I've heard enough, and I've made my If you're hungry, I hid some cookies behind
decision. the toaster.
Manny will be president this term, I found them.
and we'll run Luke next year. Oh, I was thinking about what you said
I'm graduating. yesterday,
That's the spirit! and you were right.
I don't like to play this card, We should be able to make our own decisions,
but I am the patriarch, and I have spoken. you know?
Not much of a card, Dad, 'cause I don't Ay, all I can say is, thank you again.
really care. Dane Edna, say hi to your foster daddies.
So, how about the two of you get going, Ronaldo, what's going on?
because Luke has a speech to work on? Oh, we're taking care of Dane Edna
You want to go up against the Pritchett while Ronaldo takes Pepper to Asia for a
political machine? medical procedure.
So be it. Is everything okay?
- Bye, Grandpa! - Bye, kiddo! Oh, don't worry.
All right, Luke, we need to talk. Between us, he's getting a monkey chin in
Grandpa is coming for you, Laos.
and he has run successful political Oh, so it's a fun month for everyone, huh?
campaigns before. Mm, I'm going to miss this beautiful diva.
He got Mitchell elected class president Her tummy can get a little fussy,
before it was cool to be gay. so if you're ever wondering what to cook
I've got this, Mom. for her,
I'm running on a gun platform. just ask yourself, "What would Patti LuPone
What are you talking about? eat?",
I'm talking about... my guns. Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't ask you about
All right, let's look at the speech. this,
I think it's pretty good. but it's really important to me.
I'm opening with a joke about how Principal And you said you'd support any decision I
Brown's kids made.
look like the mailman. I'm not sure what you're doing,

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1335】-

because you're being so subtle,
but if you think a giant, slobbery dog
is what this household needs, then color
me gung ho.
Here are her medicines.
- The ones wrapped in foil don't go in the
mouth. - Okay.
Ah, yeah. I'm so sorry.
We've trained her to take carbs away from
us.
I don't get it.
You look amazing. I love it!
Why did you buy this for me?
'Cause I thought you would look great up
there
when you give your big speech.
I'm running for president, Mom. I'll wear
a suit and tie.
Well, then you'll be dressed for your
funeral.
Kid, you got to know your audience.
You don't think I can relate to my peers?
Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.
I'm gonna say this as gently as I know
how...
You're going to lose!
Well, I wasn't gonna yell it, but at least
it's out there.
Wait. You think I'm going to lose?
But you never think I'm going to lose!
Look, you're a great kid.
All we're saying is be a little more Casual
Friday,
a little less Ash Wednesday.
Yeah. Go up there and be like,
"Yo! What's up, ballers?!"
"Mondays off. Like, pizza and whatever."
This is feeling a little weird.
Trust us.
If you really think it'll help.
Hey, write that pizza-pie thing down while
it's fresh.
I hope you don't mind.
I decided it was fine if they played fetch
in the house.
Not at all. I support that decision.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1336】-
Modern.Family.S08E03
Well, I look forward to what's about to
happen.
- Okay. - There we are.
- All right. - Nice.
Okay, Coach. I'll meet you at the game.
Yes! Who's a winner?
- I'm a winner! - Who's a winner?!
I'm a winner!!
Oh, my...
Okay. I'm gonna go first.
I was petty and vindictive,
and I will find someone else to look after
the dog.
Do you have anything to say?
Thank you. I know that couldn't have been
easy.
Cam, I swear to God --
Okay, okay. You're right.
I should have consulted you first.
I'll tell Dwight that he has to move out
after the game tonight.
Thank you.
Not that anybody cares, but for lunch,
I had a lozenge.
So, uh, how long is this going to take?
I just need to reorder some promotional
Frisbees,
and say a quick hi to Merv,
the genius who supplied me with coasters
and key chains for over a decade.
He even put my face on a pillow.
That story makes me want to put a pillow
over my face.
Can we just get this over with? I have a
spray tan at 4:00.
Spray tan! Who needs a spray tan?
Someone in winter.
That's why you put a coupon on a ice
scraper.
Boom! Just sent another grandkid to
Brandeis.
He shoots, he scores!
Can you believe this young man has a
grandkid in college?
Mm! It's all about lifestyle.
Really, I walk five miles a day,

and I've had a tremendous amount of plastic
surgery.
Oh! I had a brainstorm on that property of
yours
that you're trying to unload.
You know, where the people -- Ckkk!
Yeah.
You lean into it. Hmm?
You-You call it "Massacre Manor,"
"Downton Stabby,"
"Charles Mansion."
I mean, like, I-I got a million of them.
Actually, I probably -- I have three more.
See? A master.
Aww. Merv, meet my daughter Haley.
Nice to meet you.
Your daddy tells me
that you have come down with the Madison
Avenue flu.
I don't understand anything that's
happening here.
I feel the same way when I watch "Empire."
Oh! No, you don't!
Some mangy cat keeps sitting on the roof
of my new Rolls.
Merv collects cars.
Not to brag, but I could do a production
of "12 Angry Men" starring cars.
No, you don't, Taffy!
What-What is he talking about?
What's Madison Avenue flu?
Oh. I-I may have mentioned that you had a
--
a budding interest in the promotional arts,
and, total stroke of luck, Merv's assistant
is very, very sick.
Wait a minute. You think my business
is in the same universe as
Carl's Auto Body toilet seat covers?
Carl just opened a third location
because of that wizard.
You got two lives left, Taffy!
Is this how you want to spend them?!
I don't need a job. I have one.
What happened to "Team Gets It"?
Well, I don't gets it.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1337】-
Modern.Family.S08E03
Just seems like you're hanging out at clubs
taking pictures with a bunch of party
girls.
I mean, I want to be hip,
but none of this makes any sense to me.
I just want what's best for you.
Nice pep talk. Oh, and thanks for
underestimating me.
You know, if you were Orville Redenbacher's
dad,
we wouldn't have airplanes!
Got ya!
I guess they don't always land on their
feet.
Touchdown!
That Dwight's something, huh?
Yeah! Well, he's fine, you know.
It's-It's a team sport,
so, you know, they probably wouldn't even
miss him.
I just want to say
- I love what you're doing. - Well, thank
you.
I-I wear this sweater with these trousers
a lot.
When you're high-waisted,
it is very difficult finding pieces that
work together, so...
Yeah, you look really nice, but what she
means is
it's great that you're letting Dwight live
with you.
You're taking Dwight in?
- That doesn't sound like you. - It's --
It's --
He's making him move out.
That sounds like you.
Hey, losers.
Thought I'd see you down at the concession
stand.
How long were you working on that one?
Is that one of the gems that you wrote into
Luke's speech?
I will have you know that Luke wrote his
own speech.
He contributed.
 Modern.Family.S08E03
He was there. Mm. for Student Council President.
What's with the suit? First up is Manny Delgado.
Me? Why are you dressed like Nicki Minaj? Actually, we're going to speak together.
My mom and Jay said it made me more Luke and I are here because we each want
relatable. your votes.
I feel like an idiot. However, certain people want to change us
Yeah. Me too. into being something each of us is not.
My mom forced me to wear this so I'd be more - They're publicly shaming us. - We deserve
like you. it.
Yeah, because I'd wear a brown belt with The important thing is you two learned
black shoes? something.
You know what we should do? Save it, patriarch.
Throw out our speeches and speak from the The point is, we are two individuals
heart. with our own unique personalties and ideas.
That's a great idea. What he said.
Mm. You forgot your speech, didn't you? I won.
I plead the second. It was the lowest voter turnout in school
Also, uh, You should know, history.
they arrested two of the three They hated the both of us.
perpetrators. But you more.
Hey, honey. What are you doing here? I got to admit, I'm really impressed that
Making a point. you got
Oh. Hey. all these people here, but they, um --
Uh, I-I'm Phil Dunphy. they don't really look like house buyers.
Feel free to ask any... questions. Dad, you have no idea who has money anymore.
Sweet neck tattoo. You see that girl?
Don't forget to sign the guest book. She makes six figures playing video games.
Aren't these your, uh -- your work friends? And that dude, he invented an app
Yeah. Hold on a second. for trashing your friends called App Smear.
Hey, Arizona! Quack quack. Oh. Any one of these people could buy this
Sorry. house.
Look, I know you don't think what I'm doing And if they do, you give us a percentage
is real, of your commission.
but we just posted about this terrible That's how we make money.
house You the realtor?
through all our accounts on multiple Indeed, I am.
platforms, I like this place.
and there's already a ton of people here, Show me where it happened.
so, uh, you're welcome. Um, it's...right down this hall.
We don't really need all this stuff, but After you.
okay. Her dad's loaded.
All right, everybody. By the way, have you seen the price?
Before our marching band takes the field The, uh -- The owner wasn't the only thing
with their tribute to the films of Zac that's been slashed.
Efron, And the Dolphins win, 21-20.
let's hear from our two candidates All right!

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1338】-

That boy is like a professional.
It's amazing how one kid can carry a whole
team.
I feel like you're doing this on purpose.
Excuse me, Mr. Pritchett.
Leslie Kwan Collins, Daily Dolphin.
For heroically taking in Dwight,
you are this month's "Person with a
Porpoise."
I don't know about that...
Embrace it.
Hey, come over here for just minute, buddy.
Good game! Good game.
- Thanks, Coach. - Yes.
So, listen, I got something kind of rough
I need to tell you.
No, I know you and Mitchell aren't just
roommates.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate
everything you're doing for me.
Yeah, listen, I don't know how I'm gonna
tell you this.
So I'm not gonna.
I just need you to do everything I tell you.
Put your head on my shoulder.
That's it. Get in there.
Now, I need you to pretend to start crying,
really get those shoulders into it.
Yeah, that's it. That's good.
Oh, God. Oh, God. He's telling him.
- Stay strong. - Yes.
Now I'm gonna cry. I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Okay, final step --
I just need you to sit down, grab your
knees,
and start rocking sadly, all right?
All right, sit.
Excuse me. Can I have everyone's attention,
please?
As you know, uh, Dwight's father was
recently restationed
to Florida and it was my intention to have
my family
have Dwight live with us, but unfortunately
--
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1339】-
Modern.Family.S08E03
But unfortunately for our opponents,
he's gonna be with us all season,
because the rumors are true.
Dwight is going to be staying with us!
That is the more beautiful gesture ever.
Aww, thanks.
I guess I do always come around, huh?
Yes.
Dwight, you're staying. What -- What's
going on?
I don't know.
Coach just told me to sit on the ground and
look sad.
Cam? Uh, let's hear it for this month's
"Person with a Porpoise" -- Mitchell
Pritchett!
Wait. How -- How did you know about that
--
Did that reporter -- Oh!
We are having a serious conversation when
I get home.
But I'm loving this!
So, Phil, what can I do you for?
Well, oh wise one...
...uh, Luke here is President of the
Student Council,
but he needs some professional help.
I have a likability issue.
Yeah, I saw that when you came in.
What we need to do is promote you, okay?
I see a pin, "I like Luke."
I see a bracelet, "Luke is no fluke."
I see a stadium cushion, "Luke has your
back...side."
How do you do that?
How about phone cases?
- Phone cases? - I am so sorry.
Sweetheart, this is why people don't like
you.

Modern.Family.S08E04
Oh, thank God, I smell coffee.
This morning has gotten off to a bit of a
rocky...
Horror Picture Show.
What did you do to your face?
Just a little color, to make my eyes pop.
Like yours are now.
Is this how we find out you're
transitioning?
Oh, please don't pick a young name.
The world doesn't need a 50-year-old
Jasmine.
Trust me, this'll look completely normal
on camera.
This just in -- I'm gonna be on the news.
They're doing a segment on the real-estate
market,
and I'm their local expert.
Back to you, Claire.
I'm still reeling from the last time you
were on the news.
And while people have found all sorts of
ways to beat the heat,
one local man is using his head.
Is it warm out? I hadn't noticed.
Looks like I need to re-apply.
To clown college?
Haley, go with him.
Make sure he gets all that stuff off his
face.
I'll pack paper towels and a squeegee.
Ugh. What is wrong with me? I feel so fuzzy.
Oh, stop being so hard on yourself. It's
just arm hair.
I can't figure out this crossword puzzle.
I -- I think mono turned my mind to mush.
What's the clue? Maybe I can help.
Thanks, mom. Feels good to laugh.
What is so funny?
I am a well-read college graduate.
I think I'm capable of doing a crossword
puzzle.
Okay, professor.
Six-letter word, Archimedes' exclamation.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1340】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
I don't like you right now.
Ugh. Why can't I get this?
Archimedes' exclamation.
Eureka.
We may never know the answer to that clue,
but it made me realize this was my chance
to finally beat Alex at Scrabble.
I have never beaten her.
She's not the nicest winner.
I win, you lose!
I win! I win! You lose! ?
Win, win, win, win, win, win, win!
Lose, lose, lose, lose, lose!
-Thank you for bweakfast. -You're welcome,
sweetie.
Did you hear that? "Bweakfast."
It's a good thing that we're taking him to
speech therapy.
I want everybody to understand every single
thing he says.
Do you want marmalade on your brioche
toast?
Not a clue.
You're probably right to nip that speech
problem in the bud.
Mitchell had a lisp we let slide.
Now we got a lifetime of "What if?"
That is so offensive.
A lisp doesn't make you gay.
Being gay makes you lisp.
Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard
application.
I think they're going to be blown away.
Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell
oranges by the side of the road.
Don't listen to him.
Go to your art school, be a playwright.
Thank you.
You can live here as long as you want.
* How does an artsy, well-read, child of
divorce *
* A Columbian dropped *
* In the middle of a forgotten plot *
* In suburbia with confidence and... *
You copied that from that play "Hamilton,"
right?
 Modern.Family.S08E04
I'm not sure "copied" is the word. ever since his father was transferred to
It's more of an homage. an army base in Florida.
Well, I homaged it about two weeks on "Jay He's doing his part for our country,
Talking." so I thought I could do my part for our team.
You saw that episode, right? Who's to say who the bigger hero is.
- Okay. - I rhymed "Rice pudding" I will. He is.
with "Cuba Gooding." I've had to wake up a half hour earlier to
Both delicious, by the way. use the bathroom --
Oh, good God. The soldier is the hero.
There are thousands of "Hamilton" Ugh. What are we gonna do?
parodies, Oh, sweetie, I know.
and half of them are college applications. - Ready to go? - Yes! Yes!
It's okay, Papi. Maybe the people in New Dwight and I are going shopping.
York He's gonna help me pick out some cool new
haven't heard about "Hamilton." kicks.
The deadline for early admission is Like Richard Gere taking Julia Roberts to
tomorrow. the store.
I'll never come up with something great by That is right. We watched "Pretty Woman"
then. last night.
Yes, you will, and I'll help. I guess that would've been my window to eat
You'd do that for me? something.
Anything for you, kid. Okay, hold still. You have very deep-set
I got to get this kid out of the house. eyes.
All his crazy quirks. In college, they called my "The Raccoon".
The farther away, the better. Although, that could've been because I
I keep leaving brochures around for schools climbed in
at sea., through the doggy door at Zeta house and
All right, carb up, buddy. stole a pie.
Tackle these pancakes My God.
like it's fourth and goal on the one-yard I'm beautiful.
line. Honey, you could do this for a living.
Good one, Coach. I have thought about it.
Life's more fun when you put stuff in I've been practicing on people since Luke
football terms. was 3.
Pancakes, yay! Mo-o-o-o-ther nature.
Oh, uh, we're actually out of those. You're not gonna believe who's behind you.
You can have the rest. - Rainer Shine! - Who?
No, no! We put some performance supplements The weatherman. Don't you watch the news?
in there Yeah, at the gas station.
that could mess with you as a lady. He's coming this way. Just...
What else is there? Whoa, careful now.
Well, I'm going to the store later. There's a stipulation in my contract --
In the meantime, you can have some fruit. I have to be the best-looking guy here.
That's real? I thought it was just for show. Stop it.
My star player Dwight has been living with Rainer Shine.
us It's, just, s-so nice to meet you.

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1341】-

That isn't your real name, is it?
Ow, I'm not letting you behind that
curtain.
That's my name, and these are my teeth.
My name's Phil Dunphy.
I'm doing a little real-estate segment.
Could become a regular thing.
This is my make-up artist/daughter, Haley
Dunphy.
It is a pleasure. You know, I think
you sold my neighbor's house -- Doris
Jacobs.
Uh, white, mid-century, big back porch?
That's her.
I need to wash my hands. Where's the
restroom?
Oh, of course. You're gonna want to
go down that hallway, push through the big
double doors.
You're gonna see some air vents on the way
there.
It's just past that cold-air system.
Bring a sweater.
It tends to get a little chilly in that neck
of the woods.
Nice shooting the breeze with you, Phil.
You too. Hey, uh, listen.
This might be kind weird,
but would you ever want to grab a beer?
Sure. Sounds like fun.
All right!
Here you go. Oh! C-- call me three times.
I'm kidding.
Just call me once. Tonight -- if you're
around.
I'll see if I can squeeze you into my 10-day
outlook.
Okay.
Do meet your heroes.
What have you got?
What says to Juilliard, "I'm your guy"?
I look straight into the camera and say,
"Moliee, Beckett, Delgado.",
Yes, it's bold to include my own name,
but so is the sheer act of putting pen to
paper.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1342】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
You're kidding, right?
Why? What's wrong?
It's smug and privileged and precious.
No art school's gonna want that.
Okay. How about this?
We open on a blank sheet of paper.
Under a Mozart fugue, we suddenly see a drop
of blood.
Is it the admissions committee slitting
their wrists?
Fine.
The year is 18--
No! You're on the wrong track here.
They're gonna get a million applications
from artsy little snots.
You've got to stand out.
When everybody else zigs, you've got to
zoink.
Isn't it "Zag"?
Exactly.
- Hi. - We're back.
I don't know what this is, but I love it.
There's mud out front, so Dwight insisted.
Apparently, they're not cool after you get
them dirty.
Last night, we also watch "An Officer and
a Gentleman."
Yeah, he lift me up where I belong.,
- Okay. -Knock, knock!
Yeah. Hi, Ms. Pasternack.
I got to go meet some friends.
- I'll see you guys later? - Okay. Be
careful, Dwight.
Here. I brought by some more liquor bottles
for Lily's project.
Wha-- wh -- what project?
I don't know. I caught her going through
my garbage,
and she said she needed liquor bottles.
Well, that's weird.
Anyway, tell her I'll have a couple more
for her tomorrow.
Okay. Bye-bye. Take care.
She can't baby sit anymore.
What project?
I don't know.

We've got a problem here.
Look what I found under Dwight's bed.
Yeah, it's too bad.
He brought such a great energy to the house.
Mitchell.
I just need a minute to process this.
But the bottom line, Karen, is, your
viewers should work with
a realtor they can trust.
Someone they can look in the eye.
I'm confused. You wanted me to see that?
Well, someone there said I was a real
natural.
I can't remember who it was.
Oh, that's right -- Rainer Shine.
The cheesy weatherman?
No, the award-winning meteorologist.
He's the recipient of back-to-back Golden
Showers.
That cannot be the actual name --
It's their Oscars.
Anyway, I gave him my number.
He called.
We're grabbing drinks tonight.
- No big deal. - I agree.
Please. We both know it's a super big deal.
I am happy that you have a new friend.
Be good to have some guy time.
Yeah. Well...
My makeup.
I have, like, three D's.,
Well, it's better than any report card
you ever brought home.
What are you guys doing?
Skydiving.
Ugh. I see where he gets it from.
Wake me when it's my turn.
I thought I could finally beat her because
she's sick.
I just want her to lose so bad.
Yeah. So do I.
Cheating?
Are we really doing this?
That smug sister of yours needs to be taken
down a peg.
Ooh! Peg.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1343】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
Think bigger.
Pegs.
Okay, Joe, repeat after me.
Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Wed wovah, wed wovah, wed wovah.
Okay, now I want you to try it
with a big smile on your face.
Red rover, red rover, red rover.
I am sorry. It's just sometimes I feel
like my accent gets a little
and it's gonna rub off on Fulgencio Joseph.
Well, you shouldn't blame yourself,
if that's what you just said.
I actually have some exercises that can
help you.
Like Betty bought a bit of butter,
but found the butter bitter.
Betty bought a bit 'a bootie,
but da bootie bittah.
This is a pretty bad neighborhood, Jay.
This is the story that we're telling --
scrappy young kid, born into poverty
with the deck stacked against him.
I have a calligraphy tutor.
Hop out. I want to start shooting.
Hey, you're staying in car?
I'm gonna drive alongside and film you.
Go ahead. It's perfectly safe.
Hey. Did you just lock the door?
The car does that automatically.
Here. Try on this hair net.
Isn't this a little over the top?
Was "Stand and Deliver" over the top?
Yes, it was.
Fine, then act angry, like you're sick of
taking orders from the white man.
Yeah, that I can do.
Walk along that wall, read from your
script.
Go.
Hola!
"Welcome to the streets I call home.
It's tough out here, so I've had to be
tougher.
Because in a place where violence is
currency

and pain is your best friend..."
Okay, this is embarrassing. Please don't
shoot this.
You're doing good!
Hey, pretend like you're climbing over the
wall,
in case we want to say this is Mexico.
Not gonna happen.
Fine.
Here's some spray-paint.
Bubble letter me something about gringos.
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Oh, Officer.
Is there a problem?
I'm here to arrest Dwight Bullock
for underage drinking.
We wanted to give Lily a chance to come
clean on her own.
Luckily, we have a friend of a friend
who dresses as a cop for work.
He also undresses as a cop for work.
Remember, just act upset, okay?
Okay.
Dwight Bullock.
I have to arrest you.
You've been a bad boy.
But I didn't do it!
I'm innocent!
I don't know how that bottle got under the
bed!
Now we're gonna take it down a notch.
Hold out your wrists.
I've got to take you downtown.
Dwight, I am very disappointed in you.
There's no more football.
No more school.
Lily, is there anything you'd like to say
to Dwight
before he's taken to jail.
I guess.
Martha Stewart said she used the prison
time,
to work on herself.
That is enough! W-w-we know
you put the bottle under Dwight's bed.
You owe him an apology this minute.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1344】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
It isn't fair!
He eats everything, he's always in the
bathroom,
you're watching movies with him, shopping
with him.
And you two don't even love me anymore!
- Lily! - That is not --
Lily, honey!
Do you have the keys to these?
I usually let the person who hired me find
it in my pants.
Well, if that is the custom, I --
Mitchell.
Oh, my God. Again?
Small bladder, big brain.
That's why we're tied.
I need a "T," An "L," And a "W."
Hopefully she's too sleepy to notice that
she got
three "W"s on her board.,
Also, can I take a pee?
Yeah. Coming right up.
Something wrong?
I texted Rainer, like, three hours ago.
He hasn't responded.
I'm sure he's just playing hard to get.
It's just weird. We had such a great time
last night.
I bet he's busy.
He's a weatherman in southern California.
He has to be ready in case
temperatures plunge below 70 degrees.
For your information, there is a wind
advisory tonight.
In fact, I'm gonna go take down my chimes.
Not him?
No. I sold a house.
He's probably just having dinner.
He could be on a date.
Apparently, he's quite the player.
Makes sense. That could charm the pants off
--
What the what?!
Hey, dad.
There he is!
What is happening? Why are you kissing

him?!
He dropped some serious cash at dinner,
so I figured, what the hell?
And you. How could you do this?
Do what? Actually, I'm -- I'm taking it
kind of slow because she's your daughter.
Yeah, she is, and she's half your age.
You're despicable.
Oh, come on. Now, listen. Hi. Claire.
Rainer, come in. We'll just talk this out.
I would like that because I -- I don't quite
understand --
What friendship means?
Look, Phil, I -- I want to figure this out,
but right now, I have to get to Chavez Ridge
and cover this wind event.
You know what?
We're not friends.
Go.
Get...
Phil?
You're being ridiculous.
You really want to leave things like that?
From now on,
we're getting our weather from Tricia
Tazaki!
Fred fed Ted bread.
Ted fed Fred bread.
What am I looking at?
Joe's doctor gave me some sp-heech
exer-cises
to help me speak more clear-ely.
The problem is I fee-ear I have forgotten
how I used to talk.
Well, if it's any consolation, this isn't
any worse.
Manny! Check this out.
I think I took a stab at finishing your
video essay.
In a world divided into the haves and
have-nots,
a boy was born.
It's tough out here, so I've had to be
tougher.
On the streets, you can't trust anyone.
Even your closest compadre could turn on
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1345】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
you.
Please don't shoot!
Every day was a battle for your s--
I can't send this to Juilliard.
It's all lies.
That's right, Manny.
Do not change who you are or you will
lo-o-ose
what makes you spe-cial.
Am I still do-ing it?
They're not all lies.
I hear you the stories you two tell about
the neighborhoods you lived in,
growing up on the passenger seat of a cab.
Sure, I put in what we professionals call
"sizzle,"
but this is a part of who you are.
And it's a lot easier to root for
than a kid who insists that 72% of his
chocolate is cocoa.
It's "Cacao."
I beliee-eve that is hiiis point.
What was that?
How about I ask the questions.
When did you two set up this little
rendezvous?
While I was killing it on the air?
He called me today.
How'd he get your number?
He said you gave it to him.
That lying sack --
Anyway, I dated my makeup girl for a while,
but, uh, then she had to leave town.
Oh. Wow. Well, if -- if it's not crossing
a line,
can I give you my daughter Haley's number?
-Really? -Yeah, she's available,
and she actually expressed some interest.
Well, I'm definitely interested.
Well, then let's make this happen.
Phil Denphy, you are the best!
No.
I thought it was about a makeup job.
I like him.
He's a good guy.
No, he's not.

He's a great guy.
Dad, run to him.
Claire, I'm going out!
Admit it, it's over.
I'm head by 50 points and you have two tiles
left.
There's got to be something!
I -- ugh -- Why can't I see it?!
Six months ago, I was at Caltech, and now
-- ugh -- work.
Relax, honey.
It's just a game.
What if it's more than that?
What if mono permanently changed my brain?
I've always defined myself by my
intelligence,
and if that's gone, who am I?
A loser.
Luke! No!
We cheated.
Luke and I messed with the tiles.
What?! Yeah, it's just that,
you're the smartest one in the family,
and you always rub it in,
and it doesn't make us feel good.
I am so sorry.
I feel terrible that I've been making you
guys feel this way.
Thank you for opening up to me about it.
Otherwise, I never would have known that
you cheated,
which means that...
I win, you lose! I win! You lose! I win!
You lose!
I win you lose.
God, I'm so tired.
If you want to shave off her eyebrows, I'm
cool with that.
Lily, honey, what're you doing?
Okay. Her first ice out.
Be strong.
G-- Lily.
All right, all right, come on.
What you did to Dwight was wrong, okay?
We're very disappointed in you.
Yes, and there's gonna be consequences.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1346】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
No electronics for a week.
That'll be worse for you than for me.
No dessert.
Okay, that hurts.
That being said, we could've handled things
a little bit better.
We should've talked to you
before having Dwight move in.
You mean I could have stopped it?
Well, no, but at least we would've know how
you felt,
and we could've made things easier for you.
Sweetie, look, I, of all people, know what
it feels like
to go from being the center of attention
--
I went through it with my parents back on
the farm,
when they brought home a seven-pound
little pink bundle of joy and said,
"You're gonna share your room --"
We all know it's gonna be a pig.
Anyway, he would snore...
Okay, I'm sorry I lied.
Thank you.
You have to apologize to Dwight, too.
I'll try to catch him in between bites.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's think of something we can all do
together, okay?
Just the four of us.
Anything you want.
Absolutely anything.
Three years ago, they gave me an
"Absolutely anything,"
and I wasted it on a Popsicle.
That was not gonna happen again.
Well, now, this is a lovely party.
It's a splendid afternoon.
More tea?
No thanks. My cup is still full.
No, it isn't.
But I didn't drink it all.
Just take the tea.
Anyway, after the lightening strike,
I had the perm for, like, two years.

How's that?
Rainer!
Phil.
What are you doing here?
You're not one of those storm chasers, are
you?
Not since the movie "Twister" exposed how
cutthroat it is.
I came here to apologize.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
Yes, I do.
I was confused, and I said a bunch of stuff
that you didn't deserve.
It did hit me, right around the
mid-section.
Listen, Haley's old enough to make her own
decisions.
I really like her, but if dating her is
gonna be a problem...
I don't love the 25-year age difference.
It's actually 20...
Le-- I would just hate to think
that dating her meant that you and I
still couldn't be, you know friends.
You still want to be friends?
I do!
Phil, I know a million people,
but I really don't have a lot of real
friends.
Not even the sports guy?
You guys are always laughing so crazy hard
out of the commercials.
Chip Fielder? No. That's all fake.
Fake as Tricia Tazaki's shelter dogs!
Careful, buddy.
Look, maybe you should go.
I'm not going anywhere!
I'm going live in a second. You're in my
shot.
Oh. I get it. Call me.
Call me!
That's right, Steve, but you're gonna want
to leave your kites at home tonight.
My wind-erful forecast right after this.
My name is Manny Delgado,
and I'm two people.
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1347】-
Modern.Family.S08E04
I'm the child of an immigrant single
mother,
who taught me to believe in myself and dream
big.
I'm also the step-son of a businessman
who opened his home and his heart to me
and showed me, by example,
how to make those dreams come true.
Whatever I am, whatever I have to give,
is a product of these two very different
worlds.
It was so sweet that Jay cried a little bit.
He's a good kid.
And it's gonna be weird around here without
him,
but at least I'll always have my special
girl.
And you'd never leave me, would you, baby?
Mm!
I just want you to know
I'm really okay with you dating Rainer.
Thanks, dad.
Yeah, he's got a really nice house --
Jacuzzi tub in his bathroom.
Don't love it you know that.
Look up.
Hey, he mentioned this hair spray
that's just oil and a little sea salt.
Oh, that's more for conditioning that hold.
Okay, wow, that was a close one.
All right.
Now, brush...
blot...
And beautiful.
Thanks, honey.
It is really great that they having you back
on the news.
No no, I just giving a new drive licence's
photo.
 Modern.Family.S08E05
- Dang it! - What's wrong?
Modern.Family.S08E05 Is this flower straight?
Great. The karaoke machine. I don't know. Oh!
Thanks, Uncle Mitch. Halloween prank!
It's Cam's, and he loves it. That's payback from last year.
He's never more than two glasses of wine A Pritchett always pays his debts.
away I have no idea what you're talking about.
from treating us all to an impromptu The Friedmans' pool party.
concert. That's what I say.
It's 100 bucks if you break it. What is -- Classic.
- Really? - Do you want more? The old fly in the plastic ice cube gag.
Who's America's favorite TV mom? Very funny! Very --
Could it be June..., No!
Cleaver? You're melting!,
That must make me the Beaver. You're melting!
I can't hear too well. How hard is Luke I did the ice cube.
laughing? Well, now you're the one who's wet.
Don't waste this gold on me. Not really. Most of it's on the floor.
Get over to the Hendersons' party, Phil, are you okay?
put your keys in a bowl, do the Hustle. I'm fine. Yeah.
Relax. Hey, you know what the Beaver said
Your uncool parents when he slipped in water?
aren't gonna hang around your party - Damn it? - Damn it.
and make it all lame. Jay, as a Catholic, I do not feel right
Of course not. Hey. about this.
I just heard a story about a kid who had Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
an unsupervised party It's the perfect family costume.
and one of the guests broke his leg It doesn't even make sense. Joe should be
because he jumped off the roof onto a the Jesus.
trampoline Yeah!
and sued the parents. "Joe" Short for "Joseph."
We have a trampoline. And a roof. "Jay" Short for "Jaysus."
I need to know that you're joking. It's the only way it makes sense.
Mom, I have everything under control. But he's the child.
Claire, come on! You're overthinking it.
He's a responsible young man! Huh? You get who this is, right?
Have a little faith in your son. Harriet Tub Man?,
These are all the emergency numbers. Oh, Joyce Carol Floats.
That's Fire, Police, Poison Control, Farrah Faucet, spelled F-A-U --
Homeland Security. Yeah, I get it.
You're in charge. And why are you only guessing women?
I mean, unless you... happen to have other I'm Dalton Trumbo, blacklisted
plans. screenwriter,,
Yeah, let's just pretend I partied too hard wrote in a bathtub.
last night. I'm a little worried that because of the
You're an animal. movie,

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1348】-

a lot of people will have this costume.
I think you're good. Nobody going to Luke's
party
will ever be able to figure out that
costume.
Yeah, that's why I'm going to a different
party.
You're not skipping Luke's party to go to
someone else's.
There's going to be a million people at
Luke's.
He's not going to care whether or not I
attend.
Manny, is this because Luke beat you
for class president?
Why can't you get over this devastating
humiliation?
Because something keeps me reminding me.
But it has nothing to do with that.
Sophie Chambers is throwing a party
with a much more sophisticated crow--
You're not going to any party thrown by any
member
of that crooked Earl Chambers family.
That bastard stole my closet company right
out from under me!
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't say the word "Bastard" when you're
dressed like Jesus!,
And you -- never turn your back on family.
My cousin Gomez skipped my other cousin
Gomez's party,
and my cousin Gomez felt completely stabbed
in the back.
- Because he -- - Because he was.
Come on. The party's going to be at Sophie's
grandpa's mansion.
It's the social event of the season.
You're going to Luke's!
That's not fair!
You heard your mother! You're going to
Luke's!
- You're going to Earl's. - What?
You're gonna put dead fish in his shoes.
And I'm gonna cover for you if your mother
gets suspicious.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1349】-
Modern.Family.S08E05
Where am I going to hide fish?
You're in a bathtub!
- Happy Halloween! Thank you. - Happy
Halloween.
- They just took one, right? - Yes.
How much candy do we have to hand out
before I go trick-or-treating?
Can't I just take a knife and go by myself?
No!
No one would mess with me.
I told you she was too young for "West Side
Story."
Hmm. W-What are you doing?
What? It's my one and only candy bar for
the night.
No more Snickers.
If you don't want to hear any more snickers
then don't pretend that's your last candy
bar.
Cam doesn't react well to candy.
Which is why I never eat it. Except on
Halloween.
And I admit, in years past, I may have
overindulged.
Which leads to a crazy high
followed by a tearful, self-loathing
crash.
It's a Days of Red Vines and Roses.,
Trick or treat!
Yep, just take one.
I know that laugh. Not this year.
Drop it.
You're crazy.
Yeah, crazy for justice!
And just because you're dressed like a
villain
doesn't mean you have to act like one!
Oh, my God. Can you believe that?
Yes, a 9-year-old kid
wanting extra candy on Halloween.
Oh, it is baffling.
Speaking of 9-year-olds wanting candy on
Halloween...
Okay, just a second, honey.
Cam, maybe grabbing a kid's arm
is where we draw the line.

I think I read that in every single law
book.
This sounds like something
we could be talking about on the sidewalk.
Okay, just a second, honey. You know what,
Mitchell?
That same little jerk grabs a handful of
candy every year.
He's my Halloween nemesis.
There is a social contract.
You say "Trick or treat," you get one piece
of candy.
That breaks down, we're just a hop, skip,
and a jump
to a lawless wasteland where we use beads
and teeth for money!
That was your first candy bar, you say?
You think maybe you should have a little
protein
to balance that out?
I don't need any protein.
I feel like the universe is telling you
differently.
Who did that?!
He went that way! Past all the houses
handing out candy!
I'm on it!
No, see, his name is Joe.
Yeah, but wouldn't the child be Jesus?
I got to take this.
Tell her what we're doing with this.
My husband is going to hell
and he's trying to take us with him.
Hello?
Okay, I'm in Earl's bedroom.
Do you want me to show you his shoes
so you can pick which ones I shove fish
into?
Follow your heart, kid. Wait a minute.
What's that?
What?
That picture on the wall behind you.
What is that? Let me see it.
David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and
Hutch.",
Now, one of my groovier closet ideas
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1350】-
Modern.Family.S08E05
was a hutch for your skis
that latched onto the end of your closet.
I called it the "Storeski End Hutch".
David Soul gave me a signed picture.
Well, one day, the picture disappears
and Earl plays innocent.
But the whole time, he's had it.
Ironically, this would've been
a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."
Steal that picture!
But what about the fish?
Forget the fish!
Oh, so, for no reason,
I've just been carrying around this red
herring?
I want that picture.
You want it, you steal it.
I still have some self-respect.
Gloria, you won't believe this.
What?
That was Claire.
Manny never showed up at Luke's party.
They think he went to Sophie's.
So disappointed in him.
I know, and I hate to drive over there
and drag him to Luke's,
but I know better than to try to stop you.
I feel bad about embarrassing him,
but I was very clear about this.
Well, maybe next time he'll... get the
picture.
Why did you just chuckle like that?
Nothing. The -- The beard tickles.
Come on, I'll drive.
- Here you go. - Sorry I forgot that, buddy.
I would have grabbed it myself,
but we were trying to respect
the whole "No parents" thing.
Also, how would it look if I went into your
party
looking for some tail?
I'm gonna reuse that later. Act surprised.
Yeah.
Hey, honey. How's it going in there?
Huh? Oh. Awesome.
Yeah, I got to go.

I know you were going to say
that I'm being a neurotic, overly
protective mom, but I --
I saw that, too. Something's up with Luke.
You think he's in over his head?
I should check on him. Should I check on
him?
I should check on him.
You are never sexier than when you
out-crazy me.
Don't let anyone see you.
I am way a...
head of you.
Shh! I'm not a real beaver! It's me -- Dad!
What are you doing?
I just wanted to make sure everything's
okay.
Luke seems upset.
Where is everybody?
Are people upstairs? I said nobody
upstairs!
Nobody's upstairs. Nobody's even
downstairs.
They are literally like five people here.
Hello, my dearest.
Well, four, and Reuben.
I see your costume is The Most Beautiful
Woman in the World.
Shut up, Reuben. You make everything
terrible.
And we're off.
Don't flatter yourself!
Just because I'm alone on Halloween
doesn't mean I don't have plenty of
suitors!
Last week, an Uber driver asked to see my
feet!
Reuben, are you listening to me?!
Reuben!
- One last one. - Good. 'Cause you're
vibrating right now.
With rage -- Not sugar, rage.
Hello. Excuse me. Hi.
Have you seen a little brat about this tall
dressed as Darth Vader?
Throws eggs. Laughs like this --
Modern.Family.S08E05
Find him yourself. You're Batman.
That one's on my list.
I don't think there's any more room.
I'm gonna go throw away these apples
and make space for more candy.
Cam, I feel terrible that you got hit with
an egg,
but you're ruining the night for Lily.
Do you have to nurse every single grudge?
- I don't do that. - Are you kidding me?
You have more archenemies than the actual
Batman.
How about that sales lady who helped you
with the scarf?
She implied my neck was the problem.
The Spanish teacher you've been working
with?
He calls me "locos frijoles"
like I don't know what that means.
- It's "crazy beans," right? - Yes, it is.
Oh, and don't forget about Andrew from your
old choir.
He stole my piano key scarf, which is why
I had to go into the stupid scarf store to
begin with!
Okay, you know what?
Maybe I do have an overdeveloped sense of
justice.
- Thank you. - But maybe I wouldn't...
if my partner took my side every once in
a while.
I take your side when I agree with you.
That's easy. Anybody can do that.
Marriage is about sticking up for your
partner,
even...when you don't agree with him.
Is it?
Do you remember last week at lunch
when they brought you regular fries
and you insisted that you ordered sweet
potato fries?
Well, guess what.
You ordered regular fries.
- No, I didn't. - You absolutely did.
And I stuck up for you because I love you.
And because you love sweet potato fries.

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1351】-

- Hey, Dad. - What?
There's that kid you hate.
Holy Halloween. There he is.
Hey! You! Stop!
No.
He's getting away!
Stupid cape!
Oh, poor Luke. He must be crushed.
It's not as easy to pack a high-school party
as it was in our day, Claire.
Apparently, it's no longer cool
for kids to invite teachers or parents.
It makes my heart hurt.
I mean, people like him, don't they?
Why wouldn't they?
He's by far the most likable of all our
children.
Then why didn't anybody come to his party?
Because they're all at Sophie Chambers'
party.
- Who? - A kid in Luke's class.
I'm Facebook friends with her brother
'cause he used to sell me wee-gs. Wigs.
That's how he pronounces it. He's British.
When are you guys gonna talk, huh?
Luke worked so hard on this party.
He made his own costume, did all the
decorations.
He even thought he hid that bottle of
Peppermint Schnapps under his bed.
This is the kind of thing that could ruin
his first senior year.
Wait! I can help!
Are we forgetting what I do for a living?
Huh?
Uh, we remember.
You...pretend to be friends with
celebrities.
So you can sell h-- hats?
I'm a promoter.
I can go to Sophie's and talk up Luke's
party.
- In an hour, it'll be packed. - Great!
While you do that, I'm gonna get the party
started.
What -- No, no.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1352】-
Modern.Family.S08E05
A dad hanging around will only make that
party lamer.
Um, a dad, maybe.
But not Rod Skyhook, yo!
The coolest new transfer student ever!
Oh, wait.
What do cool kids call girls nowadays?
Bettys? Shawties?
Don't worry. There are none in there.
Okay.
What, what?
I'm glad my hypoglycemia
doesn't prevent me from filling up on eye
candy.
Sorry. I can't hear you.
I'm listening to a message
from the sexiest professor in the physics
department.
Let's just say he got drunk after a
symposium last year
and asked me to wheel him home.
Thanks for inviting me to your party, brah!
Sweet jams. Where are all the fillies at?!
- Dad? - Dad?
I'm Rod Skyhook -- recent transfer student,
yo!
What's that knockin'?
Oh, it's me, about to get this party
rockin'!
Oh, God.
It's all good up under the hood,
biznatches!
Pretty soon, every kid in here's
gonna call everyone they know,
tell them to get their butts down here.
You want to gas up the foot traffic --
I'm not inviting parents.
Your party, broseph!
Sorry, Jack.
I'm gonna need some beats!
Rambo?
No, Trumbo.
Dalton Trumbo. He wrote in the bathtub.
Why?
Maybe, as a screenwriter,
he knew he was going to take a bath on the

back end.
You smell like fish.
Oh, my God, you guys. This party's such a
snore.
I should have stayed at Luke Dunphy's
party.
That was going off!
Isn't he the guy that ate
a jar of mayonnaise for a dollar?
Probably, 'cause he's a wild man.
That's why his parties are always insane.
Look, it's really exclusive,
but I could probably get you guys down on
the list.
Really? Who's there?
Uh, just everyone. Luke...
Rod Skyhook.
Haley D!
Griffin. Hey.
What are you doing at my sister's party?
Oh, nothing. Just-Just something for my
mom.
Wow, it's so good to see you.
You, uh, still in the sales industry?
Guilty.
How guilty? That is a costume, right?
Yeah. I went legit.
I work for a dispensary. I deliver.
Oh, my God!
I forgot how much I like you.
Did you say Dumbo?
No, Trumbo.
Little background.
In the 1950s, a certain senator from
Wisconsin
named Joe McCarthy --
Hey! Let's dance!
Oh, okay.
Mom?
You said that you were going to Luke's.
Yeah, but Jay said --
Don't you say a word, mister!
I will deal with you later.
Jay said I could come to the party
if I put dead fish in Earl's shoes.
Where does he come up with this stuff?
Modern.Family.S08E05
Are you lying, dressed as our Lord and
Savior?
What is that? Did you steal that?
No. I've had this with me all night.
You're lying again!
Manny, don't stand next to him!
Pritchett!
Look what you did!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
We're just leaving, Earl!
That Soul is mine.
- Give it back! - When hell freezes over!
Come here, Earl! Come here!
As soon as they stop fighting
about whatever stupid new thing that
they're fighting about,
we're getting the car and we're going to
Luke's.
I'm not really in the mood for another
party.
Well, I wasn't in the mood to insult God
tonight,
but the Bible also said, "Listen to your
husband."
I'm very tense about this, so don't fight
me!
And get in the car.
I won't fit in.
We'll take this bathtub and put it in the
roof.
No. I won't fit in at the party.
Nobody gets me, Mom,
and I'm starting to worry nobody ever will.
Who cares that the kids your age don't get
you?
That means that you're more interesting
than them.
That means that you're gonna be hanging out
around people
that are more interesting.
You're gonna have a more inter-
Interesting life. Yes, I know.
I've been hearing this speech since I was
5.
When's it gonna happen?
Jesus has the devil in a headlock.

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1353】-
 Modern.Family.S08E05
That's not interesting to you? Let me get a pic for your moms.
No! No? Come on!
This is mine! Okay. Ooh!
I'm the one who came up with "Storeski End Isn't that better?
Hutch." Now we can all see and hear each other.
Just like I came up with the "Dr. Quinn Nice, huh?
Medicine Cabinet.", You got a little something --
You were the hack! I was the visionary! Who are you, and what are you doing at my
I saw my reflection and I asked myself -- party?
What would Jesus do? Just making sure everybody's having a good,
It's time to be the bigger man. clean, safe time.
This isn't over, Pritchett. Somebody's talked to you all about herpes,
I don't want to do this anymore. right?
Wh-What are you saying? Let's just go to that other kid's party.
This has gone on too long. The lies, the You know, I made out with Rod Skyhook once.
anger. He's obsessed with me.
And what I left in your sock drawer tonight. Hey, remember last week when we all had
What? lunch together --
Keep the picture, Earl. I forgive you. You ordered the regular fries and Daddy
It's gonna drive that son of a bitch crazy. lied for you.
Haley. Damn it.
I have been waiting for over an hour, Wait. There he is.
and not a single person has left this party. Darth Vader! Freeze!
Oh, my God, this is the best sushi I've ever Okay.
had. Hey, there, fellas.
For the first time, I can taste the You're a little old, aren't you?
yellowtail from the sea Your son -- He hit me with an egg.
and then the rice from the land, No, I didn't! And he yelled at me.
then back to the sea for the seaweed. Whoa, whoa. You yelled at my son?
Looks like you did more than just seaweed. He took a handful of candy and laughed.
Mom, you're beautiful. He does it every year.
Does Dad tell you that enough? So?
I would hate to see a cleaver So...
- in your head for real. - No. Honey. ...how does it feel?
- Sarah? - Mrs. Dunphy. Well, it feels like you took about 17 cents
Is that a beer? worth of candy.
It's not mine. Please don't tell my He said he didn't egg you. Are we done here?
parents. He's lying.
That's when I realized No, I'm not.
I didn't need Haley to undermine a party. Look, buddy. I don't know who egged you,
I just needed to drop the Mom-bomb. but I can understand why.
Don't you two look cozy. A kid takes a little extra candy and you
Remember, it's not easy raising a baby by chased him home?
yourself. He's 9.
Oh, look at that! How old are you, Batman? 50?
That's a fun way to serve Jell-O. What kind of person does that?

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1354】-
 Modern.Family.S08E05
I will -- I will tell you what kind of Thank you, Dorothy Parker.
person. You're the first person tonight who's
Someone who believes in a civilized actually gotten that.
society, I know how that feels.
who believes that the future of our country Awesome rager on the ground floor!
depends on the lessons that we teach our Upstairs off-limits!
children. Backyard, too, 'cause it just got
"What kind of person," Sir? re-sodded!
A hero. What's up, buddy?
I didn't do it! Typical high-school idiot.
Oh, come on. We heard you laughing! I fear for this country.
'Cause the blonde lady with an axe in her Well, I think it's safe to say that things
head here
threw an egg at you. are appropriately out of control.
- Blonde lady? - Axe? Oh, yeah -- Oh, wow.
That squirting flower really yanked my And I think you might have lost your deposit
chain. on that thing.
Could not go unanswered. How come you never tell me I'm beautiful
Oh! Close enough. anymore?
Who did that?! Oh! Damn it.
He went that way! Oh, just let me throw already.
Well, that was embarrassing. Hey, gorgeous. Look what I turned this
No, it wasn't. water into.
It was magnificent. Jay, enough. Halloween is over.
You stood up for me. Come on. The night is young. Why don't we
Sometimes I just feel like it's me versus go begat it on?
the entire world. I'm not going to fool around with someone
It's just nice to know that we really are dressed like Jesus.
a... Gloria, you're being silly.
a dynamic duo. Am I?
All right. Now we play candy crash. I once dated a guy named Jesus.
Okay. There was no harvest that year.
Give me some space, son. Is that the same year your uncle got drunk
That's how we do, sucka! and planted marbles?
Is it just my imagination, Who do you think made him do that?
or is Dad actually saving your lame party? Gloria, all due respect,
Is it just my imagination, I think the big guy has better things to
or is Reuben's makeup on your chin? worry about
I have a problem. than two sexy, you know --
Oh! Sorry. I'm gonna change into something a little
Oh, okay. more secular.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
This is the most a girl's danced with me
all night.
I love your Dalton Trumbo.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1355】-

Modern.Family.S08E06
Hey, baby brother!
Let's not insult us both. How much do you
need?
Mom paid my car insurance this month,
and I told her I'd have it today --
- The number, the number. - $120.
Grandpa got me a job at his country club,
and I've been cleaning up in tips.
I also like the way those guys talk.
There's actually an ethnic slur for
Norwegians.
It's ice ers.
Hey, buddy, they canceled my showing,
so I can drive you to work.
That looks good. What is it?
Lobster Thermidor from the country club.
There's also cherries jubilee in the
fridge.
Look at us eating like rich people in the
'50s.
Hey, Mom! Have a good day at work.
Uh, I already did that. It's 3:30.
How are you just waking up?
I set my alarm for noon. I must have slept
through it.
I was working late promoting a new club.
Oh, by the way, here is the insurance money.
- Thank you. - A lot of singles in there.
What exactly do you do at this club?
Oh, right.
'Cause I'm a stripper, Alex.
Oh, my God, do you really think I'm a
stripper?
- No. - No.
Okay, well, I'm off.
I'm signing up for some business classes
at community college.
Business class, huh?
Sounds like somebody's been influenced
by living under the same roof
with a certain captain of industry.
Thank you, honey, but none of my success
would have been possible without your
support as a homemaker.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1356】-
Modern.Family.S08E06
Sweetheart, while I'm very flattered
by your sudden interest in business,
how about instead of another class, you get
a job?
Get your hands a little dirty, huh?
She could run her hands through her hair.
- That would do it. - I've already
pre-registered.
Also, I signed us up for that book signing
tonight.
You still in?
Absolutely.
Got my book right here.
- Trying to make it look like you read it?
- Amateur.
So, I don't really have a job title
or even a set place to work,
so I kind of just float around
and make sure everyone has what they need.
4:00, Your Honor.
Don't forget to take your medicine.
Well, all these powerful guys.
You can make connections here that'll last
forever.
Not really.
We have a lot of turnover here.
That flag outside has been at half-mast
since April.
That's why we have these.
Oh. How's that work?
You find a member to sponsor you,
come have some drinks with the committee,
and they vote a few people in.
Similar process to a secret cheer society
I was in.
Skull and Pom-Poms.
I've said too much already.
Are you thinking of joining?
Both my partners are in clubs.
They've drummed up a lot of business.
Maybe I --
Hey, there's Jay. Maybe he can --
Jay. Jay!
Jay, Jay, Jay!
Go, go, go!
Jay, wait up!

I think someone's calling for you.
I didn't hear anything. What's wrong with
this cart?
- You got the brakes on? Go! - Ow! Your
spikes.
Hey, hey, hey! Cramps.
Luke and I just split a Beef Wellington
and clams casino.
Um, I'm wondering if you'd, uh, sponsor me
for the new-members thing tonight.
Gee, I'd like to, but they got rules
about relatives sponsoring new members, so
--
No, they don't. I just did it.
Gee, they must have changed that.
Oh, great, I'll see you tonight. What time
should I be here?
Oh, I think it starts about 9:30.
No, it'll be over by then. It starts at
7:00.
They must have changed that, too.
Thanks, Jay. See you at 7:00.
Wait, that was Claire's husband, right?
Yes, it was, Anders, you stupid ice
I haven't had one night to myself in six
months,
but tonight, Manny's going to a party.
And if I can get Joe tired enough to go to
sleep,
I can finally relax and take a long, nice
bath.
I even have a wine glass that floats.
In case I fall asleep, nothing bad can
happen.
Ohh. Okay, little reindeer,
we didn't get to the North Pole yet.
I'm tired of this game.
Well, we need to take this food to Santa
Claus.
If not, he's gonna starve to death.
Which shirt for the party --
the canary or the daffodil?
We're not doing this again.
I just did the herringbone or the tweed for
your vest.
Just pick one and go.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1357】-
Modern.Family.S08E06
Okay. Oh, well, this needs ironing.
Okay, jump on.
Rudolph, to the laundry room!
I know it's just community theater,
but aren't opening nights so exciting?
Yes, the cream of society
- decked out in their finest flip-flops.
- Mitchell.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
I haven't seen you since high school!
Uh, yes, it's been years, huh, uh,
T-T-Tammy.
Hey, let me know
if you want to roll around under the
bleachers again, doll.
That's weird -- I feel like I would've
remembered her.
- Why was she wearing a name tag? - I don't
know.
Oh, there he is!
Remember that time in band
when you dropped your flute in the gutter?
I'm sorry -- I never played the flute or
anything --
Ha! Old gutter flute.
Okay, what is going on?
Why is everyone talking to me?
- I think they're just being friendly. -
Cam, oh, my God.
Is -- is this one of those interactive
theater experiences?
Oh, do you mean where the audience
participates
and the line between performer and
spectator
is delightfully blurred?
Mitchell, we're at a high-school reunion!
Stop pretending, all right? You tricked me.
- I did not. - You always trick me.
Every time we leave the house,
it's like a game of Three-card Monte.
Interactive theater is fun.
It's not fun. It's never fun.
It's the worst thing that can happen to
human
during peace time.

Okay, you know what, Mitchell?
Please, I'm on the board,
and I couldn't not bring my husband
while everyone else's significant other
is happy to be here.
It's interactive?
You son of a bitch.
There's a quote for your poster.
- Front door open. - Ay, no!
Please. Who?! Who?!
Ay, what the hell are you doing here?
I had the most humiliating experience of
my entire life.
I may never leave this house again.
Okay, you're just tired.
I'm gonna make you an espresso, and you go
back.
No, I can't go back there.
Did you get in trouble again for adjusting
the lighting?
You're still young.
You can take a bright bulb.
I was flirting with Ava Morris,
and I walked into a coffee table
and hit my shin really hard
and started crying in front of everyone.
Bad enough -- but then I noticed
I spilled my drink on my crotch area,
creating a very incriminating stain.
I ran to the bathroom and started drying
it with a towel,
but the door swung open,
and I was viewed by my classmates
vigorously attending to my groin.
Oh, and did I mention the picture of Ava's
grandmother
water skiing in a bikini that was directly
in my eyeline?
That happens to everyone sometimes.
You're gonna be fine once you drink --
Ay, no!
Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!
In the workplace, we women have been told
to suppress it, contain it, ignore it.
Well, you know what I say?
- Grab it! - Grab it.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1358】-
Modern.Family.S08E06
Alex is not my most expressive child,
but when she enrolled in a business class
and then signed up for a lecture series
called "Meet the She-E-O,"
it was pretty clear to me what she was
trying to say --
"I admire you, Mom."
- So, what do you think? - Quiet.
- I think -- - Stop talking.
I mean, sure, it was tough --
raising three kids and running a business.
But when the chance to be She-E-O arose,
I had only one thought.
Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it.
I get it. I grabbed it.
I will move my seat.
A mother knows how to read between the
lines.
Alex's mouth may have said, "You're
embarrassing me."
But her heart was saying, "You're inspiring
me."
"Leave me alone."
"Show me the way."
"Are you still talking?"
"Never stop rocking."
Okay, first question.
Ah, right up front.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi, I'm Alex.
Long-time reader, first-time grabber.
Anyway, I'm a biochemistry major and
CalTech,
but your book got me thinking about a
business career.
And now I'm considering double-majoring,
but is that taking on a little too much?
Alex, look at me.
If you can think it, you can grab it.
Aah! Oh, my God!
You're my hero, Nancy. Thank you.
Who's next?
- I've got a -- - just a quick comment.
Um, I also raised three children,
and I am the She-E-O of a large company.
And I got to say,

it's like looking a mirror, Nancy.
That's great. What's the company?
Pritchett's Closets and Blinds.
You sell closets and blinds?
I could understand shutters and blinds or
closets and...
We're good, Nancy.
What I wanted to talk about was how on page
1 of your book,
you say you had hard time not bringing your
work home.
That was just a joke.
As you remember, my business was started
in my garage.
So, you know how it's not just family time
that matters.
It's quality family time.
I agree.
That's why I home-school all three of my
children.
The conference table in our boardroom
actually rests on their play structure.
What am I saying? Stand up, kids?
So, three daddies?
You sound insane!
All right.
Hey, Pritch, isn't that your gay son?
Son-in-law.
You've got a gay son-in-law, too?
I'm not doing this dance with you guys
again.
I don't know what I was worried about.
All I had to do was let Phil be Phil.
He'd never get past the vote.
Fortunately, clueless boobs are one group
the Supreme Court can't force us to let in.
So, tell us about yourself, Phil.
Well, uh, you and I have something in common,
actually.
We're both Congressmen.
Go on, with that, Phil.
You're in the state congress,
and I was in the Junior Tumbling Congress.
I was in Tumbling Congress.
You trampoline?
I'm on my tramp like three nights a week!
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1359】-
Modern.Family.S08E06
The rest of the time, I'm -- I'm with my
wife.
So, I go back to the seller with an all-cash
no-contingency offer
that'd pay off both his mortgages
and leave enough after capital gains
to put a down payment on a condo.
I give him an hour or I'm pulling the offer.
I love this story. It's like a western.
It was a nightmare.
Tumbling stories, bad jokes, and they ate
it up!
I'd say they were being polite,
but I've personally seen two of those guys
hit pedestrians and not even slow down!
No, true story! True story.
One second.
These guys are great.
Listen.
You need one more move to drive this home,
and I'm thinking,
what does Phil bring to the party no else
does?
Magic.
Are you sure? I'm a little rusty.
My money's on you.
Go big, then go home.
- Sounded like you said -- - Hey, everybody!
Phil's gonna do a little magic trick for
you.
Okay, uh...
This one is for all of the lawyers in the
room
because you're so good at making our
money...
disappear.
Oh, hold on.
Congressman Morley, enough with the taxes.
You don't see us making you pay...
through the nose.
Okay, hold on. Nobody move, I got this!
Who am I kidding? I can't fall asleep.
Every car alarm, every whistle of the wind
sounds like people laughing at me.
It's all in your imagination.
I just want to Netflix and Mom.
 Modern.Family.S08E06
Manny, you don't understand. respect.
An hour ago, I had made the perfect tub! All you have to do is sit there and be quiet.
Yeah, thanks again for that, but it didn't Tammy, you are never gonna believe who's
help. here.
Sugar! I love sugar! - Who? - Vlad.
Okay, that is it! Oh, my God, where?
You don't want to go to sleep! Out there.
And you don't want to go to the party! There he is. That's Vlad.
- Then I'm canceling the nighttime! - Mom? I swear I didn't know they were gonna pick
You heard me. It's tomorrow. you.
We're going to school. Wait for me in the They probably assumed you were fun
car. because you were with me. They didn't know.
Hey, Jay. Vlad, come up here.
If you get this, please come -- Move your country ass. I'm -- I'm leaving.
No one can help you now! No, no.
Yo, looks like everyone made it. Just go up there, hug Tammy,
But where's Vlad? and wait for the surprise ending.
The exchange student from Latvia? I don't care about the surprise ending!
I haven't seen him. You go be Vlad.
I'd love to catch up with that dreamboat. I can't be Vlad because I am the surprise
So much has happened since high school. ending.
Alcoholism. - What? - And it's a show-stopper.
I tried to find happiness in the bottom of I've been rehearsing for weeks.
a bottle. Now, just stop being selfish and get up
A shattering depiction of human suffering. there.
But enough about how I felt. Just do it!
I just keep remembering how Vlad and I We all want to get out of here!
had the best time in high school. Vlad.
For some of us, that was the last best time. I didn't know how, I didn't know when,
Vietnam. but I was gonna get him.
What time period was all this taking place? Vladdie, sweetie, you're here.
It didn't make any sense. Oh, you're really here.
The way things ended with me and Vlad, Not okay.
it still haunts me. Oh, what a happy ending.
A lot of things haunt me. I'll say.
It was the night of the prom. Okay, okay.
Car accident. That-That is your gum.
The roads were very icy. What a great reunion.
- Car accident. - You don't know. Yeah, everybody made it.
Through the mist, I saw the truck's Almost everybody.
headlights. Hello, students!
When I came to, the doctor told me we'd been Janitor Joe!
in a horrible Or should I say farewell?
- car accident! - Car accident. All of a sudden, I knew how.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Hello again, students.
Mitchell, this is the theater. Have some Or should I say farewell?

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1360】-

And I knew when.
Wait, wait, does-does anybody else see his
ghost right now?
What?
Yeah, who could forget
how he courageously showed up to our 25th
and then-and then died in front of all of
us.
No, I'm about to die right now.
Mm-hmm, in fact, I-I remember his death
went a little something like-like this.
I've lived a long life.
Mitchell, what are you doing?
Many friends.
Oh, my beautiful Bess.
Even took a trip to Washington, D.C.,
and had my picture made with the
Congressman.
Never had any children, of course.
Which is why it was so important that I made
it here tonight.
To see each of you.
You are my children!
And I want to leave you with this one last
thing.
- Do not go gentle -- - Do not go gentle
into that good night.
Rage!
Rage
against the dying of the light!
And I don't feel good either.
Yeah, good save.
Find anything on "Grab It" lady?
"Nancy Decker lawsuit" -- nope.
"Nancy Decker nose job" -- nope.
"Nancy Decker kills..." -- Oh!
"...at CEO comedy night."
Hello, we're here.
Gloria?
Haley, you remember that day
when you said that if I ever needed a nanny,
you would love to take care of Joe?
- Well, here you go. - No, no.
You can keep him for as long as you want.
Thank you.
Uh, no, uh, that doesn't really sound like
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1361】-
Modern.Family.S08E06
me,
plus I have a 9-to-5 job now, so bye.
Please take me with you.
What's going on?
Mama's crazy.
I am not crazy!
I just canceled the night.
Manny, maybe you could help out here.
Mom's upset because Joe won't go to sleep
and I won't go back to a party.
You won't go back to a party? Why?
I suffered an unfortunate series of
embarrassing incidents.
I just want a wine bath and to go to sleep.
Listen up, Manny.
Of course you want to run away
from whatever happened back that party.
Anybody would.
But that just guarantees that it sticks
with you forever.
But if you march back in there
and you own it,
you let those people know that you're
better than them,
and you will be a legend.
- Okay. - Yeah.
"Okay"?
You, get on the couch, go to sleep.
But I'm not tired.
Don't care. Five, four, three...
Okay, I'm going!
- Two... - "Okay, I'm going"?
I spend hours trying, and then you just come
one --
The only thing I did was not be their
mother.
Look, I don't get it either, but for some
reason...
the kids respond better to other adults.
Yeah, but that's not fair.
Well, most of being a parent isn't fair.
Right now, Alex is obsessed
with some CEO business woman author
who's basically an older-looking version
of me.
We're the same age, by the way.

You know that Alex look up to you, right?
Not by anything she says, no.
Yeah, they never say it.
I guess they think
that they're giving the parents too much
power.
They find little ways to express it.
Being a mom is like being a model.
You have to learn how to live on crumbs.
Hi, honey.
Right.
Honey, I'm so sorry about the way I was
tonight.
It's okay.
I actually got to go backstage and meet
Nancy.
She invited a few of us out for coffee.
Oh, fun.
Yeah, no, uh, not fun, actually.
All she did was talk about herself.
It really just seemed like she wanted an
audience.
And when the check came, you know what she
didn't do?
Grab it.
Sorry.
Joe's sleeping in the couch.
Can he stay here? Okay, thank you so much.
Well, I mean, the night wasn't a total
waste.
After she left, I sat there thinking,
"Why am I taking a business course anyway?"
I should go out in the world and do
something.
So I saw a help-wanted sign in the coffee
shop
and got a job as a barista.
Really?
Yeah, I start tomorrow.
I'm excited.
I just thought, why not get out there
and get my hands a little dirty, you know?
Good night.
Good night.
Sauna over here.
Hot tub that way.
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-【1362】-
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Legend has it that the holes
in the individual shower partitions
were cigar holders.
At least that's the story we're sticking
to.,
Follow me, folks.
Ever been in here, Jay?
This looks like a good place
to sweat out some Peach Melba.
What did you do?
I'm stuck.
I think there's a wet towel wedged
underneath the door.
Could you pull on it?
Is this gonna happen all the time now?
Me babysitting you every minute of the day?
It won't budge.
Oh, wait, I think I found the emergency
button.
No, no! Okay!
Jay, I'm trying not to panic.
Stand back -- I'm gonna throw
one of these emergency rocks through the
glass!
That's hot!
I'm texting the front desk.
Listen, Phil, I can't do this.
You're leaving me here?!
No, I can't have you at this club!
This is my place, damn it.
No!
I'm sorry, Phil.
Can't you find another club?
I mean, look at my life.
I mean, I built my house,
and before I even lived in it, I got
married.
And that's fantastic.
And then I have my study,
where I can close the door and have a glass
of Scotch.
And now it's Joe's room, and that's
fantastic.
But this is the only place I have left
that I don't have to share with my family.
I don't want to be that guy, but did you
 Modern.Family.S08E06
send that text yet? but we're only using the edge of it.
The one place I feel special -- You know, I only owe you so much.
they call me "Ace" and "Jay Boy" and You don't get an unlimited number of these.
"Pritch." Tammy, you are never gonna believe who's
I'm not comfortable other places, okay? here.
But you -- you fit in everywhere. - Who? - Vlad.
The whole world is your club! Oh, my God, where?
But I have this place! Out there.
You get that, right? I think might duck out early.
Maintenance arrived one minute later There he is. That's Vlad.
and packed him in ice from the seafood bar, Lucky!
and he was as good as new. Vlad! Vlad! Vlad! Vlad! Vlad!
How you feeling?
Better.
Jay, I was thinking about what you said
before.
It was so honest and sensitive.
And vulnerable.
Hey.
No one needs to know about that.
Anyway, this is your club.
I'm -- I'm dropping out.
Well, you deserve it just as much as I do.
It's fine.
I can't let you give all this up.
For God's sake, there's the club chair
Fatty Arbuckle anxiously awaited his
verdict.,
Jay, I mean it.
Well, at least let me give you something
in return.
You name it.
Really?
- Yeah. - Well...
I don't like how happy you look right now.
This is living, huh?
How long do we have this thing for?
Only three hours.
You saw the sign.
Every bounce counts!
Yes!
Get you some! Get it!
The way things ended with me and Vlad, it
always haunted me.
Cam wasn't wrong about this.
We paid for the whole seat,

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1363】-

Modern.Family.S08E07
Howdy!
Welcome to the Thanksgiving country
jamboree!
We got the whole Dunphy clan,
Claire, Phil, Luke, Alex and --
well, and who is this happy farmhand?
I'm Jerry.
Jerry used to live next door.
He's been going through a brutal divorce
for years,
and he was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone.
Phil thought it'd be a good idea
if he spent the day with a happy, functional
family.
We couldn't find one, so he's coming with
us.
So, where's Haley?
She's with Rainer.
They've been seeing a lot of each other,
which is great.
Funny thing is, he was my friend first,
but now I never see him. Or Haley.
- Phil. - It's what everybody's thinking.
I don't want people walking on eggshells
'cause he was my friend first, but now I
never see him.
Or Haley.
I'm only allowed to see my children once
a week.
I hardly know them.
Oh, well, Clark's head of the math club,
and Tina's turned into a bit of a slut.
Thanks for the update.
- Okay, there they are! - Hi!
Don't y'all look as pretty as a peach pie
on a Sunday afternoon?
For the love of God,
this is the last thing I need today.
Hey, Flavor Flav, what's up with the giant
watch?
It's my doctor being a pain in the butt.
One high reading, I got this thing
taking my blood pressure all day.
Wait, are you okay?
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-【1364】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
No. He needs to quit cigars and the terrible
food.
Last week, I caught him in the garage
eating a Polish sausage.
What a man does behind his water heater
is his own business.
Don't worry about it. I've got it beat.
Here's my trick.
As soon as this thing goes off,
I start singing sweet '70s soft rock
to mellow myself out.
Those songs could do anything.
Seals and Crofts came on,,
lady's bell bottoms came off.
- Well... - Hey, y'all.
Anybody have a hankering for a hush puppy?
Oh, geez.
* Summer breeze *,
* Makes me feel fine *
What is going on here?
* Blowing through the jas- *
It's a Thanksgiving jamboree!
We have bales of hay. We have a cider press.
Ooh, we're even deep-frying a turkey.
And you're on-board with this?
Yes! Come on, it's good country fun.
No.
For Cam, maybe.
What is happening? Is he hitting you?
No.
You did something, didn't you?
You did!
I didn't do anything.
I'm -- I'm loving this, okay?
That takes practice.
No, I am not leaving here until you tell
me what you did.
Can I get you a mason jar of Chardonnay?
Giddy up.
Mr. Student Council President,
have you had a chance to look at my proposal
updating the honor code to address
cyber-bullying?
One second.
Why would you call me that?
Luke somehow beat me in the election for

president,
and I still can't get over it.
Not to be hyperbolic, but humans are a
decade away
from fighting apes on horseback.
You're trying to tell me
that there's absolutely nothing weird
going on here?
You are dressed like a character
out of "It's Raining Mice and Men".
I don't know what you're talking about,
okay?
I am enjoying this more than a farm animal
missing a limb engaged in...
some sort of activity.
Okay, I did something bad.
I knew it.
Yeah, yeah, something real bad.
I need Cam in a good mood before I tell him.
Is it infidelity? If feels like infidelity.
- I can't say. - Hey, Mitchell?
It's your turn to feel the burn on the
churn!
Well, then I "butter" get over there.
Okay, come on!
Hey, Dwight.
Ma'am.
So, did they just happen to have this
costume
lying around in your size?
Weirdly, they did.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight
has one of the most important games of the
season next week
and I can't have you getting him sick.
Yeah, I'm over the mono.
But it could still be contagious,
and I have a fun costume idea for you.
How about being an old-timey bank robber?
You gotta cover that face before the
marshal gets to town.
Hi! Oh, what happened?
Oh, nothing, just a Korean laser peel.
Hurt like hell, but once the skin
regenerates,
it's gonna take ten years off these money
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1365】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
makers.
Hey! There she is.
Thanks for dropping her off.
Uh, actually, Rainer's daughter is with her
mom,
so I invited him to spend Thanksgiving with
us.
I am loving this country theme!
This reminds me of when I worked for
Newscenter Twelve
in Tulsa, except no one here's bitter and
drunk.
Gosh, I would hate for you to feel weird,
though,
since this is just for family.
Isn't that our old neighbor, Jerry,
stuffing appetizers into a ziplock?
You know what, Rainer, you are more than
welcome to stay.
Thank you.
Okay, well, I guess the main thing
is all the Dunphys are here.
Hey, Rainer, what's the weather going to
be like for tomorrow?
Clear and sunny skies, highs in the mid 70s,
but hang onto that umbrella 'cause
Monday...
Yeah, I just needed tomorrow,
because that's when we're having our big
family football game.
Remember last year?
We ran that play?
The Haley Mary?
Uh, but tomorrow we're supposed...
To have sunny weather? Yeah, you said that.
Rainer's taking me to Cabo for the weekend.
So, I had a problem.
I wasn't sure if my hairdryer
ran on Mexican electricity.
Oh, and telling my dad.
I had two problems.
Doctor's call it "Hysterical impotence."
There's nothing physically wrong, per se.
But because of my divorce trauma,
I guess I'm rewired down there.
- I get it. - Okay, city slickers,

guess who has a genuine petting zoo in the
backyard?
* Summer breeze makes me feel fine *
All right!
Animals!
Oh, Cam, and you had the scarecrow made to
look like Mitch!
No, no, no, my mom sent that out from
Missouri.
I grew up with that.
I even learned how to dance with it.
I guess, now that you mention it, I do have
a-a type.
- Hey, what's on this goat's head? - That's
my big idea --
a camera to capture everyone's delight!
- Guess what I call it. - Goat-Pro?
That's also a...good name, yep.
Look, Joe. This is a goat.
Ahh, I'm scared!
No, no, no, there's nothing to be scared
of.
That's the way he says, "I love you."
Of all the animals, this one is the one
that sounds the most like an informer being
tortured.
I cannot have another son that is afraid
of animals.
When Manny was 5, he went to a petting zoo
with a backpack full of truffle popcorn.
By the time they pulled the pigs off him,
he was only wearing one sock.
Joe, relax.
Animals don't attack people for no reason.
Let go of me! Oh, let go of me!
Run, Jerry! They do terrible things!
Good news.
The box of hair products we pre-shipped has
arrived
and is waiting for us at the resort.
I don't care about our hair anymore.
Hey! That's crazy talk.
I still haven't gotten up the guts to tell
my parents.
My mom will be cool, but my dad is gonna
freak out.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1366】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
Well, I'll tell him.
Your dad and I are buds.
And I am excellent at delivering bad news
with a smile.
And that means the Coast Guard
will be spending the holidays with their
families,
because the search has been called off.
Wow, you're good.
Phil. Hey.
I know we haven't been spending enough time
together lately,
but I scored this amazing villa in Cabo for
the weekend,
and I wanted to take a special someone.
Listening.
I know you have your big family football
game,
but it's right on the water. Horseback
riding on the beach.
I see us both in white shirts.
- Phil. - Claire, I know.
It sounds like the best weekend of my life,
mi amigo,
but I can't. It's family time.
- He wants to take Haley. - Yeah.
Did you think I was asking you?
What... brother can't yank a brother's
chain?
You trippin'?
This guy!
I'll send you some pictures.
- Okay. - But not from the nude beach. Ooh!
Oh, that's funny 'cause it's my naked
daughter!
And you're taking her away!
It's okay.
See? They like it when you pet them.
And when you look into their eyes,
you can see that they're very smart.
They have a very deep soul.
What's his name?
Name? It's a goat. Just touch it.
I know it's a bummer, Haley going to Cabo.
I wouldn't salt those margarita glasses
just yet.

Once I remind her how much fun Thanksgiving
weekend is here,
she's not going anywhere.
Well, I hope it goes better than
your big presentation on why the Ice
Capades
were cooler than Coachella.
Hey, honey.
I heard you had some tentative travel
plans.
Actually, we just checked in for our flight
online.
Thanks for being so cool about this.
Of course. Mmm.
Potable water.
We take this stuff for granted stateside,
don't we?
It's a five-star resort.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Smell those side dishes.
They're gonna be even better tomorrow
at the post-game picnic.
You know what's not a picnic?
Putting on your bedroom slipper
and getting an ankle full of scorpion.
Thanks, Dad. I'll take my chances.
That's what you said about Coachella,
and you missed Kristi Yamaguchi doing a
triple twist lift,
with Jiminy Cricket.
- What? - You are not allowed to eat those
with your blood pressure.
Don't worry. These chips won't show up
for a couple of weeks, and by then I'll have
switched doctors.
Sorry, Gloria's orders.
Hey, Jay, looks like you could use a little
square dance.
That would be about the last...
* Ho, grab your partner, swing 'em 'round
* - Don't do it. - Don't do what?
* Put on your best suit and go to town *
Cam, why are you...
* Eat some corn and ride a horse *
* Are we having fun? Why, yes, of course
* I gave Fizbo away.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1367】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
That's it! I'm out of here!
I need some aspirin. I'm going to a
pharmacy.
I'm coming too. No reason.
Apparently, you don't need a reason to
leave your family.
I'll go too. I'm out of ramen and Xanax.
What's happening?
This is what we in the weather game
refer to as a "High-pressure system."
This reminds me of the time
I walked in on you watching "Top Gun".
You need to stop telling that story.
Whatever you did to Cam,
it can't have been that bad.
And it is not worth this.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm worrying too
much.
You are.
I gave Cam's Fizbo costume away.
Oh, my God, he's gonna kill everyone in the
house.
The truck was here, and there were so many
boxes,
and you know how excited I get about a
deduction.
Listen to me.
He's not going to believe that this was an
accident.
You can never, ever tell him.
He's gonna know it's missing.
I mean, he pulls it out for everything.
Birthday parties, brunches, hot yoga...
I-I need to wait for the right moment.
There's not gonna be a right moment.
Hey, ain't nothing in the world that can
get me down
when I'm holding a little piglet.
Look at her!
It's time. Sweetie?
I need you to sit down for this.
Take a bale.
Think of the children.
Lily, Dwight.

- What? - I know how much that costume meant
to you,
and I am so, so sorry.
Well, it's a lot to process.
I know. Accidents do happen.
And I am holding a little piglet.
I forgive you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turkey
to deep fry.
Here. Hold Connor.
- No, I... Okay.
I married the sweetest,
most understanding man on the planet.
Or he did something even worse to you
and wants to get you in a good mood.
No.
Yes!
You don't have to cover your face.
I don't care what Coach Cam says about mono.
You're way too pretty.
Oh, no.
I mean, listen, I'm flattered,
but even though you are so, so tall
you are in high school and I'm...
Very beautiful.
Well...
I was going to say, "in college," but
thanks.
Stop it, oh, my God!
Ugh! Dad is killing me.
He's trying to guilt trip me out of going
to Cabo.
When is he gonna let me live my own life?
Maybe when you stop living out of his
basement
and eating all of his food.
You're right. I am a victim.
I should get this tiny mouthwash for Haley.
It's the abandon-your-family travel size.
Oh, dear God.
I know -- Corn Nuts, two-for-one sale.
I feel like God's giving me the middle
finger.
No. That's my wife's divorce lawyer.
I can't believe it.
That bastard was my ex's lawyer.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1368】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
Are you kidding me?
I bet he's here to buy some extra-small
condoms,
the kind that they keep behind the counter.
Shut up.
I keep having this dream that he's dying
of thirst
in the desert, and I hit him with my car.
-I thought you were over it. -I thought I
was.
Let's get out of here before my cuff
explodes.
Yeah, he already ruined my family.
I don't want him to ruin my Thanksgiving
too.
No.
We're not going anywhere.
It's time someone stood up
to the weasels who sweep into our lives,
break up our families,
and take our loved ones to Cabo.
I feel like you're making this about you,
but you're right.
Do you know when my high blood pressure
started?
When I met that guy.
Is this when someone's supposed to say,
"Get him!"
- No. - You hold him down.
I'm gonna beat him with this orthopedic
shoe.
- Come here! - Let's not lock into our --
our first idea.
I love you, Mr. Goat!
Aw, you see, Joe?
You listen to Mommy, and now you have a new
best friend.
What?
You're cold? I'll go get you a blanket!
Well, if he was going to get the pig a
blanket,
you know what that would be called.
Pig in a blanket?,
Okay, I teed that one up for you.
All right, it's time to fry this turkey.
Somebody please lower my splatter goggles,

boys?
You heard him.
You do it.
You're not the president of goggle
lowering.
I would be if they took a vote.
What could Cam have done?
Maybe he's the one who's having an affair.
I saw a list of clues in a magazine.
Has he joined a gym or bought sexy new
underwear recently?
I think it's sweet that you think
we're capable of having an affair, but
we're just so tired.
All right now, boys,
the key is you drop it nice and gentle like.
Mono!
Runaway goat!
Aw, you wanted to run to the barn!
Let me put a positive spin on this.
Who here likes goat?
Hello, you son of a bitch.
Hope you like that deodorant, 'cause you
stink!
Wart remover --
well, if that works, there'll be nothing
left.
Well, well, well. Norbert and Pritchett.
Jay, I don't think I ever got a chance
to thank you for buying me my first Ferrari.
I wish you drove it off a cliff.
Like the one my house is on,
which you also paid for, thank you?
This doesn't sound like we're getting him.
Look, you want some free legal advice,
fellas?
Three words -- Ladies. Leave. Losers.
No, sir, we have three words for you.
Have you no sh-- have you --
have no -- have you no shame -- it can be
four words.
Who's this chuckle-head?
Someone who you're never gonna know,
'cause I'm happily married most of the
time.
Aw, that's what they all say.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1369】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
Then one day your wife wakes up and says,
"Oh, my God!
I married a moron!"
She calls me, and I'm like,
"Hello, Mrs. Chuckle--"
Yeah, that's about right.
He might have had a heart attack.
We probably ought to do something.
Oh, I saw some champagne back there.
It's the guy on the ground!
Oh! Take the defibrillator, I'll call 911.
Guys, help me out. I don't know what I'm
doing.
I watch a lot of "Grey's Anatomy,"
but I fast-forward through the
non-romantic scenes.
No no no, we're not gonna save him!
Jerry, no, Jerry.
Jay, get him off me!
Look at his basket. Wasn't much of a life.
Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.
I'm feeling better, Pritchett. I think it
was just gas.
Better safe than sorry.
Oh, I deserve some of the blame.
I made my farmscape too inviting.
Okay. This is a mess.
What are we gonna do now?
Alex, how many goats have to die
until you get a handle on your insatiable
appetite
for high-school boys?
Actually, I-it's my fault.
Ooh, Dwight. We're good-looking guys.
We don't apologize for it.
I got you a blanket, Mr. Goat.
No, no, no, no, no!
We're going to wait for Santa Claus by the
chimney!
But it's Thanksgiving.
What about Mr. Goat?
How come I don't hear him anymore?
Ay, Mr. Goat is fine!
Did you hear that?
What is it, Mr. Goat?
He's saying that he needs some time alone.

Look, there's some cookies for Santa.
Here, why don't you go and sit by the
chimney and wait.
Santa!
Hey lookit, it's not my place to try to
parent your kids.
- Good. - But one thing we learn on the farm
is that death is a part of life.
If you tell Joe what happened to that goat,
death is gonna be part of your life.
You know what, kids can handle a lot more
than you think.
And every step, from birth till the end,
has its own magical beauty.
So, do we jam the goat in the garbage
or heave it over the fence?
Teach your children well.
Hey. Thanks for before.
You know, pushing me out of the way of the
goat.
Don't worry about it.
It's more about protecting the office.
Look, I think we both know you should have
been president.
Maybe I've been hard on you 'cause I'm
jealous.
Yeah, okay.
You two keep making out while I carry the
dead goat.
Mr. Goat?
Any suspicious activity on that phone bill?
Well, Cam spent $100 on the psychic
hotline...
...but that's normal during the run-up to
award's season.
I just saw we were running out of pumpkin
dip,
and I know it's your favorite, so I brought
you some.
What's your game?
- Yeah, show us your underwear. - What?
Why are we so understanding about Fizbo,
huh?
What are you hiding?
Hiding?
Shame on you.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1370】-
Modern.Family.S08E07
It's Thanksgiving.
I want to celebrate with my husband,
my daughter, my lovely family, Jerry.
I think it's sad that you two look at life
as some sort of game where everyone's
trying
to get away with something.
Some people are just nice.
They bought it.
Truth is, I paid for the jamboree
with money we had saved for a romantic
Hawaiian vacation.
I even sprung for fancy straw bales flown
in from Missouri.
That's class.
The hell happened here?
I think I felt enough for one day.
It's possible I've been electrocuted one
too many times.
You know, I learned something today.
I saw a man nearly die right in front of
me.
And this is a constant reminder
that it can happen to me at any moment.
It's a lot to think about.
So I'm not gonna.
Phil, get me a beer.
Jerry, get me a scotch.
I learned something today, too.
It's a lot right now, Jerry.
What's the matter, kid?
I loved Mr. Goat.
He died.
Please don't smoke.
Hey, don't you worry about a thing, Joey.
I'm not going anywhere.
Dad, I don't care what you say. I'm going
to Cabo.
You sure are.
Sure, I'm gonna get kidnapped by Aztecs
and sacrificed in a volcano. I get it.
No, honey, I want you to go.
I-I'm sorry about earlier.
I was mad. And instead of talking about it,
I pushed it down and it came out in some
ugly ways
 Modern.Family.S08E07
with my beautiful daughter and a lawyer who From now on, can we just be honest with each
has warts. other, all right?
Anyway, it's just more and more of your life - No more games. - Deal.
is happening away from me, and it's normal Hey, daddies. You look tired.
and good, I made you some grilled cheese sandwiches.
but it's hard. Love you.
Damn it, why do you have to be so sweet? - Well, there's something we did right. -
Now I feel guilty. Yeah.
Don't. Go to Cabo. Have fun. I needed them in a good mood.
You know, I could play football today. I kept this from the petting zoo.
Run that Haley Mary?
That would be so wonderful...
- Electrocuted again? - Real bad.
Okay, break! Let's go!
All right, everybody.
Welcome to the 15th annual Thanksgiving
football game,
being played a day early.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention
how beautiful it is that we're all
together.
Is it just me, or can you feel the love...
- Can we please do this? - All right.
Down!
Set.
- Phil, we're good, right? - Oh, we're
great.
You should really take Claire to this
resort.
Very romantic.
Blue, 39!
Heart-shaped jacuzzi in every room.
Kansas City, Kansas City...
Actually, now I'm great.
Oh, my God, Dad. Seriously?
Ah, what a beautiful day.
Oh, I am exhausted.
I'm counting down the days till we're in
Hawaii.
Sweetie, I don't know if you can count that
high.
You remember how cool I was with the whole
Fizbo thing?
Cam, you spent the Hawaii money on this
party, didn't you?
What is wrong with us?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1371】-

Modern.Family.S08E08
Ahh, breakfast lasagna!
Great call, honey.
Stay away from it.
It's for everybody tonight.
That's two meals away.
Hello.
Hey, Colonel, what's up?
Mommy, could Ivan come for dinner?
No, senor,
'cause tonight the whole family
is coming over for dinner,
'cause we're gonna vote on
where we're going on vacation this year.
A vote with a moral stain on it,
since ballots are reserved for land-owning
adults.
Because nobody wants to go
to the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.
Damn Colonel screwed me
and took his name off my petition.
I'm trying to overturn this dumb rule the
club passed
banning cigars within 40 feet of the main
lodge.
When my country passed a law
that allowed them to drown 14 year olds,
you said, "These things happen."
I just bought a box of El Conquistador
Especiales.
And they deserve to be smoked in a fine
leather chair,
not out by the fountain in some
heavily-spidered area.
I don't want this in my house.
Can't smoke at home, can't smoke at the
club.
Maybe Stella has room in her doghouse.
Where is she, anyway?
Haven't seen her since the morning.
I don't know where Stella is.
I think it has something to do
with the shock collar that I had to put on
her
because she kept running away.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1372】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
Maybe I tell Jay that I thought it was a
necklace.
He was the one who wanted to pierce her
ears.
Hey sweetie, your breakfast is on the
table.
Ah, what's this?
Oh! Ooh, let me guess.
The guy in the cologne ad.
I've named him. It's Giovanni.
He's in love with me.
Well, he's leaving you for me.
I'm sorry.
We never meant for it to happen.
What's that?
- Toast, toast is done. - Those Russian
brothers
who are renting the unit upstairs,
- are they... - Gone.
Because it's already been 30 days, okay?
And the rules are very clear.
I know all about squatter's rights,
Mitchell.
Why do you always have to treat me
like I'm some irresponsible...
Idiot?
The Russian brothers wanted one more night.
So I took cash, and I didn't tell Mitchell,
and now they won't leave.
We have squatters.
First termites, now squatters.
At least the termites weren't my fault.
Look at this beautiful side table
somebody just left on the street.
- Oh, do you need a hand? - No, it's like
ridiculously light.
Flapjacks for mi amore?
- Oh, grazie. - Ugh. I don't know what's
more syrupy --
you two or Luke's chin.
That's weird. I haven't had breakfast yet.
You'll have to excuse us.
Your father and I watched
a very romantic movie last night.
Okay, Google,
play the soundtrack to "Spaghetti for

Pepe."
Playing soundtrack.
Ooh. Mi scusa.
- Whoa. Watch the new kicks. - What?
You have another pair of new sneakers?
What is that job at the club paying you?
It's the tips, mom.
There's this one lady,
hold the door for her -- 10 bucks.
Bring her an ice tea with lemon, another
10 bucks.
Best tips I ever made was when we passed
the hat
after a performance of my improv group,
"Rule of Three."
We were known for our sketches, song
parodies,
and full-frontal nudity.
Hello?
You are all out of orange juice.
I understand.
I have to go out for orange juice.
Yes, I understand.
I have to go out for orange juice.
Mitchell?
I have to go out for orange juice.
Thank you for coming. I have a problem with
Russians.
Being married to a Pritchett is great.
- So great! - The best!
But they can be a -- a tad judgmental.
- Almost punitive. - They are monsters.
That's why the three of us formed a -- a
secret alliance
to help each other cover up our --
- our little mistakes. - Like back in
December,
when I hastily purchased an expensive prop
for an open house.
Thanks so much for hiding it.
Claire would kill me.
And it's only till Monday, when I can return
it.
Don't worry.
Oh, welcome home!
- You're so early, right? - Not really.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1373】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
There is that smile that I love.
- Why don't you take me to lunch? - Okay.
What happened here, anyway?
You get into Joe's scented markers again?
So now, I have scary Russian squatters who
won't leave.
We'll have a small window when Mitchell
goes to the gym.
He usually stretches, takes a lap around
the locker room,
and then gets a smoothie.
You two deal with the Russians,
and I'll keep Mitch distracted.
- Anything else? - Yes.
Our gate is broken,
and Stella keeps getting out in the street.
I bought her a shock collar.
I thought about getting one when Luke was
younger.
Claire ended up just shaking a can of
pennies at him.
It spooked her and she's hiding.
We need to find her before Jay does and sees
the collar.
He has warned me many times not to get one
because they are cruel.
All right, we'll deal with the Russians
first,
then come find Stella before the big vote.
We do not have much time.
We need to go.
I actually ordered a sandwich.
Is Rainer not here yet?
Oh no, he is.
He, uh, signed a head shot I didn't ask for,
and then went to the bathroom.
There's his daughter.
I've never met a boyfriend's daughter
before.
I mean, I went out with Stacy's dad,
but I've known her since, like,
kindergarten.
You're nervous?
I mean, how could this go wrong?
She's a teenage girl. That's when you
peaked.
 Modern.Family.S08E08
I know. the Trafalgar.
I guess I just really like this guy, Interesting.
and I want to be able to show him It's sturdy, dependable.
I can fit into the more complicated parts On the other hand,
of his life. the Matterhorn is a chance to shake things
Hey, princess. up.
Six people filmed me arguing with that Think about what the Danes did in '02.
meter maid, Also valid.
and no one caught this adorable moment? It's bold, innovative.
So, you must be April. Ah, gotta take this.
Uh, yeah? Civil rights issue over at the club I have
April, tone. to deal with.
I'll grab a chair. Hello.
Sorry. That's work. Gotta take that. What's so funny?
Anyways, I'm Haley, your dad's, uh -- What are you laughing at?
- Latest? - Yes! It's so cute how nervous you are about your
Flash flood in the Mohave, they need me to first expo.
cover. It's like every time we throw out an idea,
The water's already ramp high at the senior you have to look to see what your dad is
center. thinking.
You know, a puppy floats by on a pizza box, I don't do that.
this could be national. I-I-I don't do that at all, Dom.
Oops, snakes. Our day! Maybe you do that with your dad.
I'll just go to mom and Jeff's. Gary won't sign my petition unless I sign
No, no, we were supposed to get to know each his.
other today. It'll be a cold day in hell before that
Um, I can watch you. hippie tees off in flip-flops.
Because I'm 4? Where were we?
Oh, tone. I was just about to make my decision
Are you sure? between the Trafalgar and the Matterhorn.
Yes. Girls day. We'll meet you later. I got the power suit, the corner office.
Oh, okay, thank you for understanding, A closet doesn't get installed in this town
sweetie. without me knowing about it.
- No problem. - No problem. But one important decision,
Tragedy strikes. and suddenly I'm this pig-tailed little
Dozens dead. girl in Mary Janes
Tragedy strikes. looking to daddy to tell me I'm smart.
Dozens dead. Uh, it's...too important a decision to make
And our final order of business is right now.
our entry to this year's Expo Internacional I'm just gonna take the rest of the day to
du Closet. think about it.
What do we got? Okay, but Munich needs to know by 5:00.
Okay, so we all know I know, but this is a tough choice.
that Europeans prefer strong but simple Is it?
lines... Hey, I brought your clothes for tonight.
which is why I think that we should go with Oh, thank you honey, that's so sweet.

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1374】-

- How's it going with, um... - The wi-fi
won't work,
and this whole place smells like Cup O'
Noodles.
Mom, this is April, Rainer's daughter.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Hi.
So, I'm gonna look for a ladies' room.
Do they have those in factories?
Uh, we do, yes. It's just down the hall.
Just down the hall.
Thanks, echo.
What's so funny?
Oh, just you dealing with a teenage girl.
Not as easy as it looks, is it?
Excuse me. I'm doing just fine.
Hey, kiddo.
We gonna see you tonight for the big
vacation vote?
You bet. Mind if I bring an unbearable
teenager?
What's one more.
Listen, I'm gonna run over to the club
and scare up one last signature for my cigar
petition.
Oh, have you decided on what closet for the
expo?
'Cause I was thinking --
No! No, no, no. No, thank you.
I will let you know when I have made my
decision.
Sure. Sandwich looks good.
Does it? Does it look good to you?
'Cause that doesn't mean it's a good
sandwich.
It's not. As a matter of fact, it's not a
good sandwich.
All right, see you guys later tonight.
- Just do it. - Okay.
Luke?
Buddy?
Kevin, was that my grandson taking off in
that sportscar?
Yeah, it was.
That's quite a spin on that response.
What's going on?
Maggie Braithwait has some work for him to
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1375】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
do around her house.
She's got an eye for the young ones.
Should I be worried?
She might try and pressure him a little,
but Luke's a smart kid, right?
Damn it.
Oh, thank God you're here.
I can hear the Russians upstairs laughing
at democracy.
- All right, shall we? - No. I work alone.
If you hear two bodies hit the floor, it's
done.
If you hear three, one tried to get back
up.
Okay...
I'm so sorry!
Phil!
Mitchell!
Wow, that's crazy. Is -- is this your gym?
Yeah.
I was just heading into the post office.
You mind keeping me company? They're always
quick.
Oh, well, actually, I gotta --
I don't have my keys.
Oh, I must have dropped them.
Oh, no. Well, I'll -- I'll help you check
the gym.
You remember what machines you were using?
All of them.
We scoured that gym.
It actually did take a crazy long time,
because Mitchell kept getting lost.
But I still needed a little more time.
Sorry that took so long.
I can't pass up a library book sale.
I mean, a dollar for as many magazines as
you can fit in the car.
Yeah, National Geo--
Ireland: Land of Savages.
How old are these?
- Hi, honey. - Hey, Phil,
I know you already went to the store for
O.J. This morning,
but can you go back and grab some wine for
tonight?

You got it. Ciao, bella.
You went out for orange juice this morning?
That's a coincidence. Cam did too.
That is a coincidence. That's -- that's
really...
Every day, I take Joe to a park in a Russian
neighborhood.
We like it there.
I have picked up a few phrases
that the Russian nannies tell to the
Russian kids.
Well, it's pretty simple, Mitch.
You just touch everything,
and then when the tow truck guy shows up
and sees your dirty paws, he knows you're
a pro.
Also, say "fan belt" as often as you...
Mitchell?
Mitchell?
Hello.
The red panda's left the zoo.
- Red panda? - Mitchell's code name!
I stalled him for as long as I could, and
he got away.
- Okay, well, how much time do I have? -
I'm not sure.
I don't really know where I am.
All I can see is --
- Oh, there's your house. - What?
- Cam. - Hi, sweetheart!
Save the Southern charm, Scarlett.
- Phil was clearly just trying to keep me
from here. - What?
Yeah, I-I lost my keys,
and sudden-suddenly he shows up and --
Does this have something to do
with the thud we heard upstairs?
Mitchell, I-I say this with love,
but you're coming unhinged.
The suspicions, the accusations,
the mechanical sexual performance --
Where has Mitchell gone?
Yeah, I'm -- but I'm not a doctor,
so if you think something's going on
upstairs,
by all means, let's go take a look.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1376】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
You know, on the other hand,
if I were a doctor, I would say,
"What's up with all the conspiracy
theories?"
It's textbook paranoia.
Everyone's talking about it.
But again, not a doctor,
so shall we?
Well, you know, there are 30 different ways
to say "I'm sorry" in Russian.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I was being paranoid.
Apology accepted,
and I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking
mechanical.
I actually really like your shy, school
teacher character.
El Conquistador Especial.
My dad's brand.
That doesn't explain the lipstick, though.
No, my dad won't even wear Chapstick.
He says it's a gateway balm.
- Grandpa? - Oh, geez.
I knew I should have run that yellow.
Where's your shirt?
Mrs. Braithwait wanted me to move some
boxes,
and told me to take it off so it didn't get
dirty.
But I kinda feel dirty anyway.
Grab your shirt. We're leaving.
Luke, let's get those dirty, tight pants
in the wash.
Oh, hello.
How are ya?
I'm here to pick up my barely-legal
grandson.
I recognize you.
From the club, right?
You're the one fighting that silly new
cigar rule.
Excuse me? Where'd you put my shirt?
Give us a minute, kid.
It is a dumb rule, isn't it?
It's terrible.
My late husband loved smoking in the main

lodge.
Is that whose cologne you made me put on?
Hey, hey, hey. Boxes, right?
I've got a petition here.
Why don't you read it quick?
You might want to sign it.
Oh, I'm not sure now's such a good time.
My neck is so...
Luke, get in there.
Put your magic fingers to work.
Mm. How do you know my body this well?
Right there on the "X."
Oh, you seem relaxed.
I should stop.
Not just yet.
If it would be easier,
just hold the pen,
and I will move the paper underneath.
If I'd have known you were this good,
I would have had you do my feet.
He's gonna get there.
He's working his way down.
Probably just your initials would be okay.
You know what?
If you don't mind, I'm gonna sign this
later,
send it home with Luke.
All right, come on.
We're done.
Okay, but, uh...
...you're definitely gonna sign it, right?
Definitely, promise.
Bye-bye.
Luke, we should probably get upstairs
and flip that mattress.
Luke, I'm sorry.
I forgot your mom
needs you home for your piano lesson.
- Let's go. - Gotta run. See ya.
Took you long enough.
Oh, please, it was an extra 10 seconds.
What could have happened?
She asked me to do push-ups
while she put on her wedding dress.
Wow, she jumped right to the Honeymoon
Handshake.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1377】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
It has a name?
Don't you and your dad ever talk?
- Okay, we've searched everywhere for
Stella, no sign. - Yet.
Don't worry, we'll find her before the gray
goat does.
Who?
Jay. Come on, guys,
I spend a lot of time on those code names.
Okay, hurry, because he takes a picture of
her
every day at the same time
because he's making a flip book.
Ay, watch out, watch out.
I think Mitchell is looking at us.
Okay, I thought I cooled his suspicions
this morning.
Laugh and disperse.
- Hey, mom. Red wine? - Oh, thanks.
- Grandpa said you'd like it. - Really?
Well, who cares what he thinks?
Just 'cause he likes something, I'm
supposed to like it?
Unreal.
Mm, and of course, it's gross.
Okay, well, I'll just take it back then.
No, no! No need to make a big deal out of
things.
I'll just drink it.
Hey! Any word from your dad?
He texted me, like, two hours ago.
I told him how you kept the car running when
you got gas
and could've blown me up.
But you told him about the fun things too
right?
We had that huge cookie,
you spun away from me fast and got your hair
in my mouth.
What was that for?
My friend Betsy has an Insta about sad
stuff.
- Oh, I-I wasn't... - No, it's okay. I don't
judge.
I'm wearing a clear coat on my nails.
Yeah, I know, what a chowder head.

Hey, speaking of that regional delicacy...
I am not voting to go to Boston
just so we could see where America's first
ghoul
was potty trained.
Care to wipe the lipstick off my neck
from where you bit my head off?
Hey -- And why is there no orange juice?
My mom went out for some this morning.
Really?
That you find interesting?
Might as well pack for SeaWorld right now.
Hey, guys, have you seen April?
Just saw her a minute ago.
She had me pose
for some Instagram thing her friend does.
What is this?
- Clothes that don't come from a mall. -
Hold on, hold on.
I'm supposed to be watching you.
I'm going to Betsy's.
My Uber's out front.
Who is this Betsy?
Are her parents even home?
And you're 14. You're not Ubering anywhere.
Also, you -- you can lose the makeup
because you look like a prostitute
at an electronics convention.
Now, go wipe it off and help set the table.
What? I'm -- I'm not used to being all
parenty, okay?
No, you did a great job.
Oh, thanks.
I just felt weird 'cause you were standing
right there,
and you're, like, the expert.
Oh, I am hardly the expert.
I still...
I still have my own stuff to work on.
Maybe I shouldn't have called her a
prostitute?
You gotta have fun with it. Hm.
Hey, dad.
I'm sorry that I barked at you today.
It's just with this whole Expo decision...
...I hate feeling like a little girl
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1378】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
that needs her daddy's help.
But I guess there's no harm in looking to
the guy
who's been knocking it out of the park for
25 years, right?
Nope.
And the best advice that guy could give you
is,
go with you gut...
'cause you're good at this.
Thanks.
Thanks. And I -- and I have made a decision.
I'm going with the Matterhorn.
Damn it.
Look who I found!
Ay, thank God!
This is the first time I'm so happy to see
her.
Let's get this shock collar off before he
gets...
Hello, guys!
There's my little baby.
You two, take these in the house.
I've got a couple left in the trunk. A
little help, buddy.
- Oh, on the other side of the gate? - Come
on, Phil!
Couldn't they just circle back around?
- Say what? - It's nothing.
All right, take that.
Oh, mama!
What's wrong with you? Pick it up.
Yeah, let's do it. Let's pick it up.
What the hell's the matter with you?
- Why are you making those sounds? - I don't
think that's...
All right, when you're done here,
come back 'cause there's more.
Okie-doke.
What the hell is that?
Is that a shock collar?
I don't know, but this is a shocked face
because I have never seen something like
that in my life.
So you obviously bought it.
I just didn't want Stella to walk out in

the street.
That's what a leash is for!
You're a bad dog owner.
Bad dog owner!
Why did you have it?
Well, I know why.
Yeah, because they're all working
together.
Oh, here we go.
You should've heard his paranoia this
morning
about the -- the Russian renters?
Oh, I'm glad -- I'm glad you brought up the
Russians
because look at what I found!
That's my El Conquistador Especial.
Gloria took that from me this morning.
Oh, let me guess,
right before she went out to buy orange
juice...
- That's right. - ...Except for she wasn't.
She was with Cam getting rid of the
squatters
while I was being stalled by that man!
They helped me hide a reindeer!
From a year ago?
Who knows how long this has been going on.
Okay, they've been in cahoots,
covering up each other's mistakes
before we've even had a chance to shame
them.
Since this little alliance
made a decision to go behind our backs,
maybe we should make a decision without
them...
Oh. ...Like where we're going on vacation.
What? No, por favor, no!
What? No! You can't do that.
I like it. I like it.
Let's do this. Let's go vote.
Yep. We've got it.
Okay. We've reached a decision.
Drum roll please.
Close enough.
The family is going to...
...Italy!
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1379】-
Modern.Family.S08E08
Ah! Yes!
Oh, my God! That's awesome!
That's so awesome, guys!
The cutest part is that they think it was
their idea.
Mmm, what are you making?
I'm making an Italian dish
that Jay's mother used to make.
Breakfast lasagna.
Great call, honey.
Hey, sweetie, your breakfast is on the
table.
Oh, what's this?
Oh! I've named him. It's Giovanni.
I'm still thinking about that movie last
night.
You picked a good one.
Only the Italians could make something that
romantic.
Flapjacks for mi amore.
Oh, grazie.
No offense, dad, but I'm not sure these
magazines
are the treasure trove of information you
thought they were.
What are you talking about?
Glaciers: Now and Forever.
Canada: Our mysterious Neighbor to the
North.
Don't hate these photos of the lost tribes.
That's a human head hanging off her skirt.
Kids, these magazines harken back to a time
when man had to forage and fight for his
foods.
You guys have it too easy nowadays.
You can lay around eating snacks saying,
"Okay, Google, dim the kitchen lights."
Sure thing.
Go ahead, Dad.
Okay, Google,
show me a video of a kangaroo
playing badminton with a pirate.
Sure, playing on YouTube.
What?

Modern.Family.S08E09
- Come on in. - Hey-o!
- Hi! - Hello.
Do you love our sweaters?
I thought they would be perfect for the Snow
Ball dance.
I got them at the store where you buy things
that go with the other things.
Oh, I know that place. That's where we got
our Salt-N-Pepa salt and pepper shakers.,
Claire can never tell which one is which.
A confusing idea poorly executed.
Stop implying I'm a racist.
How did we get roped into this chaperone
thing?
This incredibly annoying PTA mom,
Marjorie,
keeps hounding us to volunteer for things,
and we finally ran out of excuses.
Ooh, I should probably tell her we're
coming.
Unreal.
"Where are you?"
"Are you with Claire?"
"How far away are you?"
"Text me when you're close."
"I locked my keys in my car."
Oh, that's from Haley.
Much as I'd love to meet this dingbat,
how many chaperones do they really need?
Takes one person to turn a garden hose
on those dry humpers.
If Phil is going, you are going.
I don't like being the only person in the
room
without a husband.
It's my one insecurity.
Phil's just trying to be nice.
He doesn't want to go to this thing, either.
Actually, I was looking forward to it.
Maybe meet some of these so-called
cheerleaders.
Watch their faces when I tell them we could
kewpie a scorpion
into a cradle catch
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1380】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
and then pop up into a split extension.
Most of that stuff's illegal now.
I think what Phil's trying to say is that
he and I haven't had a boy's night in a good
while.
I mean, wouldn't it be nice to just hang
out together,
just you and me?
What do you say, buddy?
What?!
Might be nice to have a hang with my boy
Jay.
If it's fine with you.
Sure, it's the least I could do, because
tomorrow
you are going to help Luke with his homework
while I visit wine country.
I want to go.
That's just what she calls lying on the
trampoline
drinking Chardonnay.
Oh, yes! We're on our way.
- Okay. - Bye-bye.
Have fun, you two.
Don't worry about us. We'll have a blast.
We'll have a good time. We'll have a good
time.
Yes!
This is gonna be so great!
Sure it will. Maybe give them about
a five-minute lag time before you hit the
road.
What do you mean?
You -- you said we were gonna do something
together.
I was just trying to get us out of that
stupid dance.
Okay.
Enjoy your night, Phil.
I've got a date with an epic Western about
a crooked sheriff,
and I'm at the first of what I predict to
be many wrongful hangings.
Well, if you're not up for doing anything,
I think I'll just go to the dance.
What? No. You can't do that.

Makes me look like a jerk.
Well, then what am I supposed to do?
- Whatever you like. - I want to go to the
dance.
How are you not getting this?
Fine. I'll just go home.
You're going to the dance, aren't you?
- Of course I am. - All right, you win.
- We'll do something. - Awesome!
- What do you want to do? - Gosh, I don't
know.
I mean, dancing is still so much in the air.
Where are you going?
Scotch country.
We're low on ice in bucket 12.
Hey, those crab cakes have to last all
night.
Push the cheese.
Setlist?
You're starting with "Get Lucky"?
Come on, we're telling a story here.
Do you know what time it is?
I thought you were gonna help me set up.
Sorry, buddy.
I was worrying about the big-picture stuff.
Hmm. Is there enough room for it here,
or should I put it in the back entrance?
You can certainly put it in a back entrance.
Oh, my gosh, doesn't everything look so
lovely?
Well, it's high school.
Dress it up all you want, it's still the
place I spent
four years being tormented by sadistic
bullies.
Nice shirt, Michelle.
You know what? Times have changed.
In high school, did you ever imagine
you'd end up with the football coach?
The football coach? No.
The swim coach, Mr. Artino, almost nightly.
Oh, Coach Tucker, Mitchell.
Thank you for volunteering.
I couldn't say no.
The kids on the team practically begged me.
It's an amazing thing to matter so much and
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1381】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
inspire so many.
Oh, no, I think they just wanted you here
so they can prank you.
- Hmm? - Yeah.
The football team has something all worked
out.
I don't know what it is 'cause I checked
out
after they capped my salary.
But there's usually a mess,
so you might want to throw a poncho over
all that finery.
Oh, my God, I hate pranks so much.
Now I'm gonna spend the whole dance
paranoid
wondering what they're gonna do.
Is it gonna hurt? Am I gonna cry?
You're a clown.
Isn't that mostly just pranking people?
No, it is not. Clowns are loving and joyful.
You know what?
I was warned about this kind of ignorance.
Don't make me regret marrying outside the
big top.
What?
We got to keep our eyes peeled
for kids trying to bring alcohol in here.
I cannot make it through this thing without
a drink.
Marjorie, 12:00.
Oh, God.
Quick, pretend we're having a fight.
Then she won't come over here.
You stole my inheritance, you gold digger!
Wow, you had that one ready to go.
There you are.
Did you get my texts?
Look what I've already confiscated.
Oh, shameful. I'll take that.
So, I still need volunteers to call parents
for silent auction items.
I've divided it into six-hour shifts,
so if you switch ears every half-hour,
it's actually not bad.
Can I count on you two ladies?
I'm so busy, but I can't speak for Gloria.

My phone English no so good.
I get it. I'm a bit of a nag-eroo.
Like my mom always jokes,
you know who you should bore with this?
Your husband. Oh, right, he left you.
That woman is so uptight.
You know what she needs?
A man.
That is a very old-fashioned attitude,
which in this case, seems pretty accurate.
A man, a man, a man. Where can we find one.
Hey, Siri, record "Antiques Roadshow."
I can't think of anyone.
Principal Brown.
He's single. We could fix them up.
At the winter dance. Mm-hmm.
That's so romantic.
Yes, and maybe she'll get off our backs
if she spends more time on hers.
You really are your father's son.
Hey, you okay?
Guy just made fun of my bow tie in front
of everyone.
Asked if I was trying to look gay.
Oh, that is charming.
So I-I guess high school hasn't changed
that much, has it?
Look, I want you to put this back on
and wear this with pride.
This was soaking wet before you threw it
in there, right?
We're gonna let it go. It's fine.
All right.
Where is this idiot?
Are you trying to look gay?
'Cause you don't have the pecs, the pores,
or the pants for it, slugger.
Hey, here's a reference that hairstyle's
old enough to get.
It's not twerking.
Yeah, well, you're just -- you're just a
-- you're a --
You're a -- you're a --
So, I'm gonna go squeeze in a dance real
quick
while you stagger to the end of that
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1382】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
sentence.
Leslie Kwan Collins, Daily Dolphin.
I know who you are.
We've been friends since kindergarten.
Care to comment on what my sources are
calling
"The best Snow Ball ever?"
Sure, but I'm not the one responsible
for this party's success.
They all are.
I'm just a humble servant who made it all
happen.
Can you excuse us, please? Thank you.
You are unbelievable.
Stop. I can't keep hearing this.
I'm the one who made all this happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is doing
all this for $8,000?
Yeah, of course not, because --
Wait, wait, wait. The budget for this was
$800.
You spent $8,000?
That's the budget for the whole year.
I texted you, "What's my budget for the Snow
Ball."
You replied $8,000, followed by a
gratuitous gif
of a guy getting hit in the nards.
It's like just don't skateboard down a
railing, right?
- Principal Brown. - Yep?
If we were to go over with the student
council budget,
how hard would it be to get a little extra
money?
Oh, no problem.
We would just sell the Rembrandt in the
faculty lounge.
See? Problem solved.
- He's being sarcastic. - Why? What's
wrong?
Nothing. Just playing "What if all the
money got spent?"
Oh, can you imagine?
We'd have to cancel
every other school event,

starting with the wrestling banquet,
and those hopped-up psychos would rip your
heads off!
And then you'd bleed to death
'cause we can't afford a school nurse
anymore, right?
Oysters.
Oh! Nice try, boys!
You guys are cool.
Just, uh, move along.
Hey, Cam. Uh, do you know a kid named Damien
Warmack?
Oh, yeah.
- Mean little kid. - Yeah.
He fat shamed my whole defensive line.
There's nothing more sad than watching
a once terrifying nose tackle pick croutons
out of his salad.
Oh, God, I'm so conflicted.
A gay kid is now bullying football players,
which I guess, you know, seems like
progress,
but the wrong kind of progress.
Would you like a --
In my defense, bruschetta mostly ends up
on the floor anyway.
Cam, I think you might be
more worried about this prank than you need
to be.
Well, I just don't understand why they want
to prank me.
I thought they liked me.
Of course they like you.
You can't prank someone you don't like.
That's -- that's just assault.
But pranking you is their bizarre way
of saying that they love you.
Is this your bizarre way of not validating
my feelings?
Okay, we could go bowling.
Hmm. Had my league last night. I'm a little
bowled out.
Fair enough. Round of mini golf?
Great idea. Wait up.
I'll go get my frog and my slingshot.
We'll hop on our bikes and go down there.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1383】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
We could get something to eat.
- Already ate. - Go to the movies?
- Hate the lines. - How about a bar?
So, we drive across town, pay a 200% markup
on the same glass of scotch I'm holding in
my hand right now
just so some drunken old broad can stagger
over
and tell me I look like Ernest Borgnine.
You know what? I'm done trying.
I'm sorry there isn't a single thing
you'd have fun doing with me.
Oh, come on!
Don't get all hurt.
I promise your next idea, I'll say yes to.
Really?
Thanks, Jay.
You held out for something awesome,
and I think we nailed it.
One, please.
That'll be $8, plus whatever tip you feel
is appropriate.
It was free an hour ago.
You used to be able to throw a baby
in the back seat without strapping it in.
Times change, my friend.
Hey, Delgado.
I hope this punch isn't as watered down
as your performance in
"A Streetcar Named Desire to Hang Myself.",
Damien, you're just -- you look -- damn it,
I hate how much I like that jacket.
I know what you're doing.
Excuse me?
I know how hard it is to be a gay teen.
In -- in high school, I only had one friend.
Really?
What was Oscar Wilde like?,
You're lashing out.
Because you're angry and you're insecure,
and you just want everyone else to feel as
bad as you do.
Maybe.
But come on.
It must've been easier for you looking like
Michael Fassbender.,

I do not look like --
you think I look like Michael Fassbender?
Yeah, if he were older and shorter
and played by Kathy Griffin.,
Hey, hey. That Damien Warmack kid is so
mean.
Honing in on these poor kids' insecurities
and then just lacerating them.
I-I don't look like Kathy Griffin, do I?
I'll tell you what's mean,
is my team making me wait all night for this
damn prank.
Or, "Mitch, you're being ridiculous.
You're a very handsome man, and if you had
to be played
by a woman, it would be a young
Ann-Margret.",
-Hey, Coach. -Oh, God! Just do it!
Just do it!
Oh, Principal Brown, sorry. Sorry, I
thought --
I thought you were the prank.
Prank? Oh, no.
That was a little misunderstanding on my
part.
Turns out the new wrestling coach is being
pranked.
Yeah, they're gonna do that thing where
you spin a guy around a bunch of times,
you get him good and dizzy, and then you
tie him
to a tree for the weekend.
Oh, God. Shouldn't you stop them?
I would, but he's been parking in my spot
lately.
I guess it's a relief they're not pranking
me.
Yes. You can finally relax.
Can I?
Knowing Coach Wilson's only been here seven
months?
He's never brought his team homemade banana
loaf,
and yet they care enough to terrorize him?
Okay, you're gonna have to land on a
position.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1384】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
I just don't understand why they begged me
to be here
if they're not gonna prank me.
Because they love you,
and you're making a real difference in
their lives.
Oh, well, I-I --
I'm just kidding. They think you're a
pushover,
and with you here, they can get away with
anything.
That's ridiculous, because nothing gets
past me.
Excuse me. Thank you.
- What is that? - Look at this.
I'm gonna go pour this down the drain.
Cheers.
Having fun?
Hey, I'm just trying to keep up
appearances.
If I panic, everybody panics.
How much money did you make at the drink
station?
Only about $200.
That's enough.
A caddy at the country club where I work
knows this dog track in Hindsdale.
There's 40-to-1 odds on a greyhound,
Whippet Good, who --
Okay, the money's gone.
One time.
No, it's stupid.
- Just try it. - I'm not doing it.
- No one else is around. - I don't care.
Come on, I'll start.
* In the jungle, the mighty jungle -- *
All right, that's it!
Get out. We're doing something else.
Somebody thinks you're cute.
Claire, please, this isn't high school.
Well, no, wait a minute. It is high school.
Mm. Okay. All right, so who is it?
My favorite is a 1929 Bread Master.
Some people might say
that collecting vintage toasters is a
crumby hobby.

Thank you.
Marjorie, I was just talking to Principal
Brown,
and he into you, girl.
Really? He's hotter than a 1930s
Sunbeam Toastrite.
Don't.
I can't talk right now, Mom.
No, I'm not home alone on a Saturday night.
I'm at a dance, and a boy likes me.
We good at this!
Why are you talking like that?
I don't know.
Excuse me, hi. Hey.
I don't know exactly how to do this,
but I'm very flattered by your interest in
me,
and just so you know, the feeling is mutual.
What?
I don't know if you're into camping,
but I can get a tent.
I'm married. My rear end is at home.
I meant Marjorie.
Oh, no. She's way too intense.
No. And once you've imagined yourself
sitting by a campfire playing your clarinet
for Gloria --
Marjorie loves the outdoors.
Yes, she even has a camping toaster.
She is a super lady,
but, guys, I'm only 45.
I'm holding out for fireworks.
Oh, here comes Damien.
Do not tell him that I thought I had a shot
with Gloria.
My mom doesn't believe that Principal Brown
likes me.
Can you tell her?
Gloria?
My phone English no so good.
- How about ice cream? - Too cold.
- Coffee? - Too late.
Oh, wait a minute. I'm such an idiot.
I forgot about the Clint Eastwood
retrospective
followed by the scotch tasting
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1385】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
where famous athletes from the '70s tell
stories
about how life used to be in Youngstown.
- Really? - No!
It doesn't exist.
What you want does not exist.
What are you doing?
I don't care what you do,
but I'm going into that dance.
I like to see the kids all dressed up and
happy
and trying to look older than they are.
The first girl I ever kissed was at a high
school dance.
It was actually to "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight."
I guess that's why it was in my head.
Let's just say the lion did not sleep that
night.
I was slamming Mountain Dews like a wild
man.
Marsha Goulding.
I had this huge crush on her.
Finally got my nerve up to ask her to the
Spring Fling.
First dance, I was terrified. I'm tromping
all over her feet.
But as the dances went on, it got easier,
and right in the middle of Sam Cooke singing
"You Send Me,"
I went for it.
I was just so surprised she kissed me back.
Well, you can't have your first kiss again,
but you can have your next one right in
there.
Oh, what the hell. Give Gloria a thrill.
That's great, Jay, 'cause you complete her.
Oh, Phil.
No, literally.
You complete her.
You're the butt of this joke.
Give me the sweater.
Marjorie is smart and organized,
and if you ever need hand sanitizer or a
Band-Aid,
she always has it on her.

She's like a sexy, sexy drugstore.
She's as cute as a button.
Like a grown-up Cabbage Patch doll.
Yeah. Yeah, that seems like it'd be a whole
lot of e-mails.
It's a hard pass.
But, Principal Brown, you know what they
say
about a mom who's enthusiastic in the
streets.
That's not a saying.
Why are the two of you
suddenly so interested in my love life,
anyway?
Because we care.
You don't even know my first name.
Yes, we do.
It's, um... Prince?
Lucky guess.
I was over at the carving station,
and I thought, "You know who'd love some
prime rib?
Principal Prince Brown."
Marjorie, I'm afraid you and I are pawns
in a very sick game being orchestrated by
these two.
They're working very hard to put us
together,
and I don't know why.
I've never seen them work very hard in
anything,
except getting out of volunteering.
Hey, to be fair, we volunteer for plenty
of things.
Yeah, don't you remember me holding a hose
at the car wash?
Yeah, everybody remembers that.
So you're not interested in me?
Well, we've always had a working
relationship,
and I guess I've just never thought of you
in that way.
As a woman?
When I'm at work, I turn off that part of
myself.
Uh, it has turned back on.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1386】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
Oh, I'm gonna check the -- the fire exits.
We're going to stack chairs.
Whatever.
I've got it.
We start a fake marching band
and get the money for the instruments up
front.
You just described the exact plot of "The
Music Man."
How'd that turn out?
Won four Tonys.
Five. Ugh.
How could you let this happen?
I don't know. You were texting me
while I was live streaming my breakfast,
and...
Wait a minute.
I did say $800.
Look.
Oh, my God, this is all my fault.
Well, well, well.
Looks like the dunce cap is on the other
foot.
Hey!
Is what an animal your size grazes on.
Hay is...
You're a cow.
Okay.
You're the perfect weight for your frame.
Another proud moment for the struggle.
Ugh. Here she comes.
Martin Luther Queen, yes.
By all means, tell me about the struggle.
Okay, you nasty little twink.
You owe everything to me
and all the gays that came before you.
It's because of everything we fought for
that you get to snark your way through high
school
with lifts in your shoes
instead of spending it terrified, shoved
in a locker.
I was really proud of that.
Just so you know.
Exfoliating with a dry brush pre-shower
will really help you with all of this.

It'll make you look 50 again.
I'm not really proud of what came next.
You shove like a girl!
What are you doing?
The piper needs to be paid.
You hired a piper?
No. I made a mistake, and I need to accept
the consequences.
Classmates, could I have everyone's
attention, please?
I have some troubling news.
I know you may all think of me as the golden
boy,
the prodigy, the wunderkind.
Who are you?
Indeed.
I'm not sure I know anymore.
We have a little situation,
and I just want to be as up front as I can.
Hold on a minute.
I'm the President.
I should do this.
We need to raise $8,000 for a classmate in
need.
If we don't get this money, he may never
walk again.
We're gonna make a Kickstarter, and if you
want to show
your date you're the kind of sensitive,
caring person
who deserves to be rewarded in a physical
way,
you'll give generously.
Wow, you're a good liar.
I take it back. You deserve to be President.
We never should've helped that little punk
get out of that locker.
I didn't know he was gonna be so brutal
about your sweater.
- All right, hand it over. - What?
This is a blaze-free zone, wastoid.
I got eyes all over this place.
I know what vape is.
- Coach, that's just my -- - Just your --
Hey, Coach, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, what's up?
第 8 页 共 8 页
-【1387】-
Modern.Family.S08E09
Yeah, I, uh, just wanted to let you know
that that's, uh -- that's his inhaler.
It's his -- oh.
What is wrong with you?
Sorry.
It's just I give everything to these boys,
and all they think of me is that I'm a
pushover
not even worthy of a lousy prank.
Cam, have you seen Gloria?
What? Yeah, oh, last time I saw her,
she was somewhere over here.
Oh, that was for me!
That was supposed to be for me! My boys love
me!
I just wanted to read my book.
Oh, hi there. I'm Luke Dunphy,
- Student Body President. - And I'm --
But this isn't about us.
We have a classmate who's in a pretty bad
spot.
But it doesn't have to end that way.
With your help, we can save him from getting
beaten up.
By -- by his disease.
A disease no kid should have to wrestle
with.
We just need to raise $8,000 to --
Or $9,000 to get him that super deluxe
treatment.
We only need $8000
I'm Luke Dunphy
And I am approved this message

Modern.Family.S08E10
- Hey, Jay. - Welcome!
New Year's Day at Jay's.
My dad was driving in.
Things were looking up after a bad morning.
- Oh! Yeah! - Oh, man!
Look how high it goes!
I'm gonna try and spit on a bird.
Did he just get off the ride?
You know, honey, um, I'm getting cold feet.
Maybe we should just --
Well, if you're scared, we should just go.
I'm disappointed, 'cause to me, it seemed
like a blast.
My resolution to live more dangerously
was off to a rocky start.
Help yourself to my Christmas present.
Nothing like a frozen margarita in a hot
tub.
Lets nature know we can do anything she can.
Well, I'll take one to go.
Alex and I are just here to raid your guys'
closet
for some vintage clothing.
Yeah, we're going to a '90s music festival
called Fo-shizzle-fest.
Okay, get ready to pig out!
In six to eight hours.
I did Thanksgiving dinner last year,
and it didn't go well.
Cam blew up the turkey
and made the goat kill itself.
Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal,
and I decided to keep it simple and roast
a pig.
So, you just dig a hole,
you put down a bed of coals, then a layer
of banana leaves,
lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin
foil,
and -- Bam!
Six hours later, you dig it all up,
put it on a platter, and Bam!
dinner is served.
Guys,
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1388】-
Modern.Family.S08E10
just because you spent Christmas in
Missouri
doesn't mean that we forgot about you.
Open your presents.
Oh, okay! I'll go first.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, it's a gift certificate for E-Butler.
It's a concierge service.
Use it for errands, tickets, things like
that.
Oh my God. I love this!
It's like staying in a hotel,
but I don't have to wear gloves to use the
remote.
Okay, me next. Me next.
Oh... it's an apron with-with bells on it.
And it says, "Cam and get it!"
Oh, so that's not a mistake?
We spent extra cash to get that custom made.
Came to me in a dream.
Put it on, buddy.
Let's, uh-Let's get pictures with you guys
and your gifts.
Jay and Gloria, get in there too.
Come on, honey. Let's go.
- Oh, boy. - I'll tie it.
- No, you won't. - All right.
I told you Stella was trying to kill me!
- Well, that was a scare. - Nothing
happened.
I know where you're going with this.
This is why I've been hounding you
about your estate planning.
No, Mitch.
Don't put that horrible thing out in the
universe!
Dad, you still haven't done that?
They haven't updated their paperwork since
Joe was born.
Uh, God forbid something bad should happen
to them.
We don't even know who'd they want to raise
Joe.
Will you stop scaring her?
I spend more money on eyelashes,
than most of you do on health care.

Fine, we'll do it today.
What better way to start the new year
than by preparing for the worst?
Speaking of alive dads,
there's mine! Oh!
So good to see you!
How was the drive?
Fantastic.
My radio broke around Tallahassee.
But is there a better entertainment source
than the billboards of America?
Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback.
Plus, you had me to keep you company.
Lorraine?
Lorraine was my babysitter growing up.
She was also my first crush
and also the star of my first, um... "funny
dream."
Yeah, Lorraine used to bring out the holy
terror in Phil.
It seemed like he wanted to be spanked by
her.
No, I did not.
How long has this been going on?
Well, we reconnected earlier this year on
jury duty.
I was the lone holdout on a triple homicide
case.
You can just feel when someone is innocent,
you know?
But Lorraine said she'd go out to lunch with
me
if I changed my vote,
so here we are.
- Phil, did-did you ever dream -- - No.
Last time I saw you,
you came up to here.
Okay, Claire will take you that way to the
back yard.
I'll go through the house
so we can finally know which way's faster.
Okay, just a few simple questions,
and your estate planning is done.
What is this?
We don't need to put aside money for Manny's
college.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1389】-
Modern.Family.S08E10
I already took care of it.
When Manny was born, I didn't want to rely
on anyone,
so I started saving money from my paycheck.
Eventually, I made enough money for Manny's
college,
so if anything happens, he'll be okay.
That's amazing.
How did I not see this in the bank
statements?
Why would I put money that I might need
to run away with in the middle of night in
the bank?
I put it in my disappear bag.
It's hard not to take that personally, but,
um,
where is this bag?
It's in...in...
- You forgot? - No.
That's why I made a song
so that it would always help me remember.
* My disappear bag, my disappear bag *
* I hid you very safely in the *
I don't know.
One second.
Okay, Cam, what are we --
Okay. Just -- Just be cool.
- Just be cool. - Be cool?
You just jangled across the yard like a big
country tambourine.
All right, well, apparently,
the fire went out and I didn't notice,
and now this pig is as cold as your family
is gonna be
when they figure out I ruined another meal.
Okay, this is bad.
My dad does not like to be pork teased.
Well, maybe we can get a replacement pig.
- Do you think your concierge thing could
help out? - Wha--
But I just got it today,
and -- and the card says, "For Mitch stuff."
Mitchell, one of my resolutions
was to cry less outside the home.
Please help me get through this day. Gosh.
You know they only got me six hours, right?

I know. Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you for calling E-Butler, Mr.
Pritchett.
How may I make your day more E-fficient?
Okay, um, well, this is a weird request.
Keep in mind, erotic tasks are billed at
twice the normal rate.
Uh, no, I-I need you to secretly deliver
a whole roasted pig.
With extreme pleasure.
Requests like these remind me why I
E-buttle.
I knew that voice.
It was Keifth.
When I first moved here,
I was just a young Missouri hayseed.
I-I bought a ticket to the circus one day,
and there in the middle of all the action,
in an impeccably pressed tuxedo, was
Ringmaster Keifth.
I started hanging out at circus bars until
we met.
The attraction was immediate.
He was older, always in command of a room,
which makes sense because a room is just
a permanent tent.
We dated for six months.
He transformed me
into the sophisticate that we all know
today.
And then, he suddenly disappeared.
No goodbye. No note.
Just some peanut shells on the floor
that must have...fallen from his glorious
black boot.
I found a trattoria in Little Polynesia
that can spare a fully roasted pig.
Sorry for the delay.
It w-- It was a minute and a half.
You can't know my shame.
I'll deliver the porcine parcel within the
hour.
Okay, that -- that is great. I will -- I
will see you then.
What is wrong with you?
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1390】-
Modern.Family.S08E10
Okay, my circus boyfriend who left me
in the middle of the night -- that was him.
And now he's coming here?!
This is no way to ring in a new year.
The money has to be here somewhere.
This is all the stuff from when we first
moved in together.
Why do we have a box of doll heads?
Oh, I guess you think it's a coincidence
that we have never had evil spirits in this
house.
What about these will questions?
If something happens to us, who should
raise Joe?
No, Jay, don't say that.
All right, look.
If someone other than us needs to raise Joe,
I vote Mitch and Cam.
Nice balance.
Mitch is, uh, responsible, he knows
culture,
and Cam is basically a mom who played
college football.
Plus, Joe and Lily are close in age.
Yeah, but isn't she a little...
Direct? You're not wrong.
She did five minutes on my nose at
Thanksgiving.
I mean, it's a little big,
but to say that it has its own zip code,
that was too much for me.
What's this?
No, that is...
"If I ever go missing or am found dead,
it was my husband"?
What the hell is this?!
Calm down.
It was when we had our first big fight.
Of course I knew that you were not going
to kill me.
I was just going to run away and frame you.
Is it weird we've barely seen Phil since
we've been here?
He was always a wanderer.
It's the curse of being a genius.
- Phil. - Trinidad and Tobago!
 Modern.Family.S08E10
Why are you avoiding Frank? Fth. Fth.
What? A remarkable name for a remarkable man.
I'm -- Isn't ringmaster basically a ceremonial
Okay, there's something you don't know. position?
She used to be your babysitter, and you had Uh, wow. I would love to live in your
the hots for her. fantasy world
How? where circuses run themselves.
What is the plan, honey? Okay. Call and cancel.
Are you just gonna avoid them? Then who's gonna save your dinner?
I just need a minute to get comfortable with Besides, we don't even know if the
this, okay? concierge is actually Keifth.
I mean, did he always have a crush on her, I'm gonna forget the velvety baritone
even when my mom was around? that abandoned me in the middle of the
It's one thing for a 13-year-old to night?
position his babysitter And plus, he walks in here, I lose it,
in front of an open refrigerator so that I don't want Lily to see that.
he can enjoy Oh, she's not here.
the backlit contours of her beautiful body She has that sleepover, and she already
in the silk blouse leffffth.
he stole from Randall's mother. Without saying goodbye?
But if he was doing the same thing? Then it hit me.
Uh, moving past your decision It could be therapeutic for Cam
to steal trophy clothing from Randall's to see this ridiculously named circus
mom, person who deserted him
maybe you could just talk to your dad. because that incident could be the very
You know we don't talk in my family. root
We riff. of his pretty intense abandonment
We do bits. issues...
You know how my dad told me my grandmother which are not unchallenging.
died? Where are you going?
In a knock-knock joke. To the bathroom.
That is last year's Phil talking. Well, have a nice life.
In the spirit of living more dangerously, What about Phil and Claire to take care of
why don't you take an emotional risk Joe?
and -- and try and have an honest I don't know. Isn't Phil kind of silly?
conversation with your father? What are you talking about? Phil is a great
Also, father.
well, I may not be wearing Randall's He's kind.
mothers blouse, He's fun.
but I thought maybe you'd like... Even Lily likes him.
And he's gone. But is he too likeable?
Uh, da-- how am I saying it wrong? Where's the gravitas?
- His name is Keith. - No. He's full of energy.
Keef? He's sensitive,
It couldn't be simpler. and he never, ever gets grumpy.
K-E-I-F-T-H. Keifth. Fine. Why don't you give Joe to Super Dad

第 4 页 共 9 页

-【1391】-

right now, then?
Oh, my God, are you really jealous
because Phil might be a better father than
you?
I know it's stupid.
Not to mention the fact that Joe gets Claire
in the deal.
She's a fantastic mother.
Runs a company, hell of a role model.
He could never do better than that for a
mother.
You know what, Phil and Claire have already
raised their kids.
I think it's time for them to travel.
There.
That's where my disappear bag was hanging!
You have, like, a hundred missed calls from
Gloria.
You have to come back right now.
Is everything okay?
What?
There must be a bus stop nearby.
Until then, just act normal
like we don't have $40,000 on us.
Okay, why are you whispering only part of
a sentence?
That's going to attract attention.
Really?
More than you being covered in sweat?
Because you look like a sauna wall.
You're right. How do I make myself stop
sweating?
I don't know!
Oh, don't cry. Crying's worse than
sweating.
Oh look, now I'm crying too!
Maybe we can smile our way out of this.
- Phil? - Yeah?
Honey, come quick! Your dad passed out in
the RV.
Oh, my God!
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, Claire just accidentally sprayed me
with a garden hose.
Really?
Oh, Claire?
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1392】-
Modern.Family.S08E10
Sorry, stuck...
like many father/son relationships.
So, uh, place looks great.
Yeah, Lorraine really spruced it up --
curtains,
brass safety rails over the privy.
That was really a lifesaver.
She stopped short on the I-90 once.
I came rolling out of there like a Chinese
acrobat.
Well, Lorraine seems good.
Hey, so Phil, uh, you seem a little off
today.
Me and Lorraine -- uh, that doesn't bother
you, right?
No. No.
Good. It's the craziest thing.
She re-introduced herself,
and, uh, I didn't even remember she was our
babysitter.
Really?
Yeah. Then she asked me out,
and you know, I don't get a lot of offers,
so I thought, "What the heck?"
Sure. That's what I figured.
But, uh, I'm just glad you're having fun.
Well, I better go fill this thing up
with some of Jay's expensive Scotch.
Oh, actually, I think the door's locked.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Well, Frank, I'm really sorry about that
hose thing.
Oh, no hard feelings.
Shirt needed freshening anyway.
I haven't washed it
since we stopped to take pictures at
Smokey-Top,
Utah's longest, continuously burning tire
fire.
As I guess you heard, I had no reason to
be worried.
He didn't even notice when Lorraine was my
babysitter.
Plus, they're not even that serious.
I felt a ring box in his pocket.
What? No way.

Yep.
There's only one thing shaped like that.
No, there isn't. There's a million things
--
Rubik's Cube, sewing kit,
souvenir tire keychain from Smokey-Top.
I can't think of anything that's not shaped
like that.
Let's assume for a moment that I am right
and that was a ring box.
Maybe it's worth exploring
why the idea of your dad remarrying
is setting you off like this.
Maybe it's worth exploring
why you find so much joy in tearing people
down.
In previous generations,
they accused people like that of being
witches,
and threw water at them to see if they
screamed.
Great.
Witch.
Ah, Mr. Pritchett, I presume.
Hi. Thank you so much for coming.
I'm not sure I caught your name.
- Keifth Banks. - Yes.
At your --
Mitchell, sorry to interrupt.
I didn't know you were with a common worker.
Can it be?
Cameron Tucker.
Yes. I'm sorry. You are...?
Keifth.
Keifth. I-I don't believe I know --
No, C-Cam, didn't you tell me
you once dated someone named Keifth?
Oh, yes. Keifth.
What was it you did again?
I remember you wore white gloves and -- and
gestured a lot.
Subway mime?
I commanded a circus.
Yes. Now I remember.
How have you been?
I see you're in pig delivery now?
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1393】-
Modern.Family.S08E10
I'm a concierge.
The circus business has gotten rather
difficult.
People today, they don't have the patience
for the more elegant pleasures of
yesteryear --
men putting their heads into lion's mouths,
unfortunate little people being shot from
cannons.
I can't believe you-- you're meeting up
again like this.
You must have so much to catch up on
or -- or -- or work through.
Oh, well, I'm sure Keifth would rather
just make the delivery and disappear.
Start there.
To the matter at hand.
The swap will be difficult.
Fortunately, I have had a bit of experience
with misdirects --
just tell the audience to keep your eyes
on the center ring!
They won't even notice the trapeze act
suffering through the more vivid stages of
food poisoning.
That happened. I was there.
First, I will release a live peacock --
an exotic beauty of the Orient -- into the
yard.
Magical.
Then, I will need something to lure him
inside
to draw the family's attention.
Do you happen to have any Andalusian
filberts?
No.
Then Cheez-Its will do.
Naturally, everyone will be transfixed.
And while they're distracted, we will swap
out the pigs,
the dinner will be saved, and the show will
go on.
Just let me sneak a peek at the backyard.
Goodbye.
Hey, Joe,
what has two heads, four legs, and can fly?

I don't know.
Us. Aah!
This is dangerous!
That's how you know we're alive!
It's like I said in my wedding toast --
that bride of yours is fearless.
Yeah.
Funny thing is, we went to an amusement park
earlier today
and she was too scared to get on this one
ride.
Or she pretended to be
so that I wouldn't have to admit how scared
I was.
I have a hunch that she's not the only one
who's trying to protect my feelings today.
You seem to be rambling, son.
When you hugged Claire earlier,
she felt a ring box in your pocket.
What? That wasn't a ring box.
It was...where am I? I'm so old and
confused.
Stop.
I'm not gonna say seeing you with Lorraine
wasn't a little bit weird for me.
It was a crazy idea.
That's not what I'm trying to say.
That pig's got to be ready, doesn't it?
Dad, please.
Son, can we please not do this?
Fine.
Knock, knock.
That's more like it.
Who's there?
- Your son. - Your son, who?
Your son who'd hate to think you threw away
a shot at happiness just to protect his
feelings.
Here it is. All here. Just take it from me.
That's the most stress I've ever felt,
and I spent two weeks underground
as part of an isolation study.
Okay.
So, I guess now we can finish this.
Ay, Mitch. Mitch, come. Help us finish.
Okay. Okay. We got to lightning round these
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1394】-
Modern.Family.S08E10
forms.
You guys are overthinking this.
Everybody knows in their heart what they
want.
They just feel bad about making the
decision.
So, who will be the executor of your estate?
Go.
- You. - Aww. Okay.
Um, do you want to leave anything to
charity?
Yes.
10% to whatever is sexy at the time we die
--
like, um, orphans or whatever.
Okay, okay, yeah. And what about Stella?
Same as Manny.
No, he's asking who's gonna take care of
her,
not how much money you're gonna leave to
a murderer.
No proof of that.
Okay, this seems like a whole sidebar,
so we're gonna circle back to that.
Um, who do you want as Joe's legal guardian?
No, no, don't think. Just answer, okay?
If something happens to both of you,
who do you want to take care of Joe?
Me, obviously.
Ay, Manny, you're too young.
Besides, you're about to start your new
life soon.
Yeah, you should be out sowing your oats
or just sewing.
That's something you like.
I don't see what the big deal is.
I'd hire a nanny, sell the house, downsize
to a condo.
I'm thinking maybe a loft in an
up-and-coming arts district.
Sure, it'll take me a bit longer to finish
college,
but aren't those the best years of life,
anyway?
The main thing is, he's my brother.
I'm not letting anybody else raise him.
 Modern.Family.S08E10
Ay, Manny. You're so sweet. Correct.
Am I the only one unsettled I did so enjoy our time together, Cameron.
by how much he's thought about that Remember that split week between Lansing
already? and Kalamazoo?
-Oh, my God! Look! -What? Oh, my gosh, how could I forget?
Cast your spell, nature's kaleidoscope! the rain dripping on the canvas.
Why is there a blue turkey going into the Me sneaking into your wagon after curfew.
house? I believe that was the first time you saw
It's a peacock. me...
It's really plowing through the Cheez-Its. without my top hat.
Oh, we forgot to put the apple the new pig's Okay.
mouth. Well, wounds healed,
Oh, just leave it. whole new perspective, off you go.
Now that's your answer to everything, isn't Goodbye, Cameron.
it? Goodbye, Keifth.
I deserve that. Oh, hey, honey.
I was a fool to think I could get through I, uh... Whatcha doing?
this Oh, I think it's cute how scared he is.
without you bringing up the way I left. Yeah, but he's doing it.
Well, you broke my heart. Yes.
I didn't mean to hurt you, Cameron. There's one Dunphy who's not afraid to live
I just had to protect myself. dangerously.
When we first met, you were just... Hey, Claire?
pure, raw potential. They're open for two more hours.
Your Missouri twang. Everything's gonna be okay.
The innocent way your shirt cuffs It's gonna be a great yea--
were no different than your sleeves. Phil?
Once you emerged from your country cocoon, Cam, this is so delicious.
I knew it was just a matter of time Well, you know, after Thanksgiving,
before you realized you could do better and I'm just happy nothing went wrong.
moved on. I love this seasoning.
But you never even said goodbye. What gives it that nutty taste?
For all these years, I-I thought it was my It might be nuts, sweetheart.
fault. Oh, no, he wouldn't put nuts in it.
Oh, no. He knows I'm allergic.
No. Excuse me.
I was a coward. Hi. Hi.
I just ran away to join another circus. Hey, how was the ride?
I suppose you could say the -- Amazing. Phil fainted.
the one ring you never mastered was the ring Claire.
of life. Oh, come on, they were gonna find out.
Well, that's kind of mean, but sure. I'm not spending $15 on this picture
And look at your beautiful home. and not show it to everyone.
Oh, it's... You've blossomed into the I'm just gonna need you to spit into this
success napkin.
I always knew you'd be. Epipen is on the way

第 8 页 共 9 页

-【1395】-
 Modern.Family.S08E10
Just keep the card
Is that amazing?

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1396】-
 Modern.Family.S08E11
him CNN Hero
Modern.Family.S08E11 for bringing the wine fridge,
Can I have that dropped at the gift table so maybe we just each take a parent
for you? and try and keep them apart as much as
Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is possible?
a special gift. Probably our best shot at an uneventful
It's a wine fridge -- 36 bottles, stainless day.
steel, But can we please not fight over who has
dual temp zones for your whites, your reds. to care of --
She doesn't care. Okay. And neither did the Mom!
priest. Mitchell!
Father O'GodHe'sHot. Hi.
I know. Those lips, right? Oh, it's so good to see you, honey.
- Is that appropriate? - Appropriate? Hey. I got us a campus map, and look at this
You never carried us around as proudly --
as you're carrying around that thing. My old college frat has a chapter here!
30 years ago, I didn't do your Aunt Becky's By legacy rights, I'm entitled
closets for free. to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out
The whole family got together and decided a frisbee.
I was cheap -- Cool.
called me "High Pockets." Wow, you're really giving those bands a
Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says workout.
when he opens what Esquire Magazine called Oh, just burning off some nervous energy.
"The last under-counter wine fridge you'll They don't ask questions on a college tour,
ever need." right?
High Pockets. Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on
Can we just find the bar? a college tour!
How funny would it be if I said no? Safety school for Manny, long shot for
Mother of...us. Luke,
Mom! What is she doing here? which hasn't been great for his
She's not even related to these people! self-esteem.
Oh, my God. Luckily, as a former cheerleader,
You, me, Mom, Dad, alone. I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits.
Without Gloria to absorb the hate. Though I can no longer make an N with my
Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared. body.
Because you are flashing back to every This is a great workout.
family event Ow! No!
that ended with Dad whisper-screaming at Sorry, sorry! Guys, come look!
Mom, I did something very bad.
"Would you calm down?" while she would Manny is taking a nap,
swing her pocketbook so I put a pig-a-let in the bed!
around until it burst open like a Oh, my God.
pill-packed pinata. Where'd you get that?
Oh, God. I-I don't want to be the You remember those farmers that we met?
make-a-scene family. Again. You'll be surprised what they'll do for a
Well, Dad's not leaving until they award couple of big tips.

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1397】-

What did you hear?
Aah! Whoa! What is that?!
It's a pig-a-let!
Man, you should see your face!
Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do
this?
Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight!
I'm preparing you for college
so that you fit in and make some friends.
I took the idea from watching "The Animal
House,"
"The Old School" Movie...
College is about higher education, not
pranks.
Nerd!
- There she is! - Hey, lady.
Yeah, I can't give you free stuff.
- Let's go. - Okay, take care.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my gosh. It's her.
Who?
The blonde over there in the cute jacket
and fab shoes.
If that's who I think it is, we hate her
so hard.
Last night, I was robbed. That's right.
There I was at Lily's dance recital,
breathlessly anticipating
my baby's first-ever ballet solo.
Okay, here it comes.
This moment is worth every cent of the
$2,000 in lessons.
What?
Oh, my gosh. I can't see.
Didn't they say no filming?
Excuse me. Miss?
Did you just see that?
That horrid woman robbed me
of my proud daddy moment
and forced me to lie to my daughter.
"You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did
she?
I have no idea!
Why didn't you smack her down last night?
With words, obviously.
Wait, can gays smack women?
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1398】-
Modern.Family.S08E11
No.
No! You know what,
I would have cussed her out last night,
except the selfish hag left the moment
her daughter's dance was over.
I hope there's no rule in here about causing
a commotion.
I mean, we didn't really feel the need
to put it up on a sign because, you know,
civilization.
Well, I answer to a higher law.
Hey! Get back here!
You don't even know it's her.
You're basing this off of the back of the
head
of someone you saw in the dark.
That may be how you recognize your old
boyfriends, but...
Excuse me.
As much as I admire that and do intend on
using it
on Mitchell without giving you any credit,
there is a line.
So, Mom, I didn't know that you would be,
uh, be here.
Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it --
I haven't seen these people since the
divorce --
Yeah. But then my new hubby had to work,
and I thought -- "Write a new story, Dede."
Yeah!
So, are you here alone, or...?
You look great! This dress is beautiful!
Oh, thank you.
I found it in the trunk of a car I bought.
Oh. One second, Mom.
Oh, this is Cam texting.
The picture of the back of someone's head
and the words, "Is this her?"
No idea what you are talking about.
Kissy face.
Excuse me. Can we get a pic?
Honey!
Dad, that's sweet.
Really?
If we get separated, there's a record.

Oh, God.
Hey, don't be mad.
Are you kidding?
She vanished, okay?
Those shoes she makes are soundless.
Oh, there you are!
Okay.
if it isn't my first family.
What a surprise, huh?
Yeah! I guess Brian invited me
because of that summer we took him in.
Remember when I caught you trying on
Brian's underpants?
No, what even -- Mom!
Oh, is it just the four of us?
Yeah!
Yes, and where are you sitting, Mom?
I can walk you back to your table.
In a minute.
I'd like to visit a little.
I don't even know anyone at my table.
Well, Gloria's not here...
Oh, thank you, Jay.
Here. Let me, uh...
Well, this is fun.
- The band's back together. - Yeah.
Would anyone care for some champagne?
- Oh, yeah. - I'd love some.
- Oh, you bet. Yeah. - Thank you.
I'll just take the tray.
Admission has gotten tougher.
Only about 4 out of 10 applicants get
accepted.
You've beaten worse odds than that.
We forgot to get you vaccinated till you
were 6.
The University boasts many noted graduates
--
research scientists, journalists,
and one pretty well-known playwright.
Wow. "Pretty well-known?"
Imagine how many cookies
they could have sold if they called them
"Pretty Well-Known Amos's."
I tied your shoelaces together.
Mom, what's going on with you?
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1399】-
Modern.Family.S08E11
I am preparing you.
If you can't laugh at yourself,
then you'll become a target.
College crazy time, man!
Excuse me, Steffi?
My son Tim here developed a finance app
that caught the eye of some folks at JP
Morgan,
so he'll need to keep that going along with
school.
No problem.
Many students work while taking class.
- Excuse me, Steffi? - What are you doing?
My son Lucas here is a recognized amateur
trampolinist.
Dad!
I'm assuming you guys have a training
facility
so he can continue his pursuits in the
applied bouncing arts?
I'm not sure I'm understanding...
Do you guys have a trampoline?
I think there's a small one in the daycare
center.
There are no small trampolines, only --
You know what? We can move on.
Everybody, this way!
Just go ask her if she was at the recital,
and then tell her off if she says yes.
No, I can't, because if it's her,
she'll sense confrontation coming and deny
it.
People can always tell when I'm in attack
mode.
- Mm, flared nostrils? - No.
Vein in your forehead? Blotchy neck?
No! You know what,
and just a head's up, you both are turning
into your mother.
Okay.
New plan.
What-What are you doing?
Well, if there's video of Lily's recital
on her iPad,
then I know it's for sure her,
and plus, I can e-mail it to myself

and have a proper viewing party.
Ooh, I've got a thing.
Yeah, I'll probably be working.
I haven't even set a date yet.
Okay, there's a passcode.
Well, of course there's a passcode.
Give me that.
All right, well, she ordered a powdered
doughnut, so...
All right.
Chalky fingerprints on the 8, the 5, the
3, and the 1.
Your passcode is some combination of those
four.
Oh, my God. You're brilliant.
Last year, I was doing differential
topography at Cal Tech,
and now I sketch leaves in milk foam
for adult skateboarders.
I need something more.
- She's coming back. - What?!
She's coming back.
I left my iPad on the table, and somebody
took it.
Oh, gosh! I didn't --
Didn't what? Do your job?
It's not like you're so busy you don't have
time to --
Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.
Um, are you talking about that iPad in that
bag there?
- Oh, God. - 'Cause there's an iPad there.
What a ditz.
Ugh, I guess I'm just nervous for this
stupid blind date
I never should have agreed to.
Oh, no.
You're not Richard, are you?
Uh, yes. I-I am Richard.
I'm your blind date.
You're, uh, Ana.
Oh! Am I the worst person ever?
Well, that's what we're here to find out.
Kidding! Please sit!
I hope that is her. She's gross.
I want him to yell at her.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1400】-
Modern.Family.S08E11
- Yeah. - Excuse me.
Um, I'm here for a blind date,
and my friend didn't even give me a picture.
I just know the woman's name.
Any chance you served an Ana?
Oh! Well, this is crazy.
Ana, say hello to, uh...
- Richard. - Yeah.
Um, sorry, I don't mean to be forward,
but Vanessa kind of undersold how
attractive you are.
Wowza.
The things I've done because people tell
me I'm pretty,
you'd almost think I wasn't pretty.
So, 1986,
we were just coming back from my sister
Bebe's wedding
when I first had my dream about murdering
you.
No! Mitchell has a funny story
that doesn't open old wounds
about Cam at a dance recital.
He got so mad, didn't he, Mitchell?
Tell them!
So mad.
That wasn't '86. That was '87.
The reason we were late was because of that
damn
Hands Across America that you made me do.
Hands was '86,
and you thanked me afterwards
because you got to hold hands with someone
that was holding hands with Willie Nelson.
What the hell was that whole thing about,
anyway? Hunger?
Hand somebody a sandwich in San Francisco
and pass it down the line
till some bum gets ahold of it in Boston?
Hunger, yeah. Definitely.
Um, Mitchell is on a diet, speaking of
hunger.
What can you eat now?
Uh... less.
Sweetie, I see what you're doing,
but this whole controlling thing -- it's

challenging.
Works good in the office,
but sometimes she's as tight as a camel's
ass in a sandstorm.
Ooh, this seems aggressive.
I'm just gonna --
May I be excused to go to the bathroom?
Yeah. Me too. Be right back.
Hey! You do not get to do this.
You do not get to shut down on me
like you did when we were kids.
I am not gonna sit here taking the heat
while you go hide in your room blasting Pat
Benatar.
Why are we even all sitting together?
This is my plan.
You're gonna come up with a reason
to take Mom back to her table.
Maybe you want to unload some gay stuff
you don't want Dad to hear?
You're lovely.
But my dream analyst helped me realize
that I never wanted to murder you.
I wanted to murder the part of myself that
was so angry.
You were angry because I was an
inconsiderate blow-hard.
Oh, don't do that.
We had plenty of good times, didn't we,
Sarge?
You bet we did, Pea.
What fresh hell is this?
We'll end our tour here at our iconic bell
tower.
See you all at tonight's mixer!
Hey. Before we go back, you want to do
something fun?
Follow me.
- Check it out! -A bell?
Not just a bell.
A series of bells fed into an ingenious
instrument
known as a carillon.
I monkied around with one back in the day.
A cutie named Gretchen took me up to her
belfry
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1401】-
Modern.Family.S08E11
and showed me some moves,
which I now realize sounds sexual.
Not really. You talk like this a lot.
The point is, Gretchen got a full ride
treading bells like these. Wow, that's
high.
Maybe you could, too.
Get you into a class on...
What? I'm gonna learn all this in three
months?
You're a quick study!
Look at how fast you learned magic.
I got a home movie of you pulling an
impossibly long chain
of baby wipes out of your diaper.
Okay, I was 5 in a diaper.
That's not really a sign of a quick learner.
I believe you can do anything you put your
mind to.
Why?
Oh! Shoot!
I guess it's all computerized now.
Who cares?
God, I hate it when you do this.
Do what? You look mad. Are you mad?
...and I keep telling you,
but it's like you're not hearing me!
I'm not. Wait, don't talk yet.
Go now, quick!
Stop acting like I'm someone I'm not!
Stop telling me how great I am when it's
not true!
Don't you see how much pressure that is?!
Luke, don't you walk away from --
...me!
I'm your --
How are you 36?
I just can't get over how young you look.
The trick is to not smile too hard.
You're funny.
I did not expect that from a seismologist.
Which, by the way, how did you get into
that?
Oh, um, it's just always come easy for me.
You know? I look at people
and I just instinctively know their size.

People are like, "Oh, I'm a 4,"
and I'm like, "Who you foolin', girl?
You a 10."
Ma'am, here is that napkin you asked for.
Oh, thanks.
Ha ha. Fooled you.
I was just joking about clothing stuff.
The real reason why I got into studying
earthquakes
is because I love nature.
I guess that would explain the ornithology
interest, too, huh?
Miss, could I have another...
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Angels have always been cool,
but not as cool as birds!
I love birds!
I mean, I love my mother, I do,
but it's like her needs come before
everyone else's.
You know that kind of person?
I think I do, yeah.
Wait, why was I talking about her?
I don't know. The question was --
"What did you do last night?"
And the question stands.
Sorry.
Ex-husband.
Honestly, it's like he can't be with my son
for more than three hours without texting
me some inane question.
Oh -- Oh, you have a son?
Love of my life.
He took the divorce pretty hard.
He's...different, you know?
He's really --
He's creative and sensitive,
and he gets picked on a lot at school.
You know, it's like, thank God for his dance
class.
I feel like it's the only place
that I see, like, real joy on his face.
I knew it.
You're the worst!
Excuse me?
I'm not Richard, you fool.
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1402】-
Modern.Family.S08E11
I'm the father you and your giant iPad
robbed of his daughter's first ballet solo.
I hope whatever reason you had
to prioritize your child over mine was a
good one,
and now that I hear it, it's pretty close,
I have to admit, but still.
You're a maniac,
but I'm grateful
because this has been one of the most
abysmal dates
I have ever been on.
People think that cats are standoffish,
but my guy, when I come home --
Okay, I've got to stop you right there.
I'm not Ana, and this isn't happening.
I had a feeling.
Can I at least take a picture with you
so I can tell other women we dated?
What? No!
You're right.
It's just that you're so pretty.
All right, get in here.
Ma'am?
Manny, come on.
We're going to be late for the mixer.
Excuse me, did I say your time-out was over?
Back on the bed.
I'm sorry, okay? No more pranks.
I promise.
I just wanted to have fun with you. Geez!
I forgot I did that one!
Aye, Manny! Por favor!
Get out. Get out!
Luke, we should talk about this!
There's nothing to talk about.
And you're not coming to this stupid party.
- I'm going alone. - So am I.
Like I want to take some stupid bell class
so we can all find out there's one more
thing I can't do.
Oh, boo-hoo. Your dad believes in you.
My mom's treating me like I'm on some
Japanese game show.
Fine! You win!
You win worst parent, you win college.

Hope you have fun here while I'm shoveling
poo
in some underground poo-shoveling place.
Well, why'd you even come here
if you're so sure you can't get in?
I don't know.
Maybe because this is the one place we might
both get in.
That might make this whole thing a little
less scary!
Well, that's the only reason I applied,
too!
-Then why are we fighting?! -I don't know!
So, are we still going to the party?
Yeah, I'll put on a hat!
I just wanted Luke to feel good about
himself, you know?
Cheer him on a little.
Maybe there is such a thing as too much
cheerleading.
You tell him he can do anything, and when
he can't,
he feels like he's disappointing you.
Luke knows I'd never be disappointed in
him.
Does he? Luke is very sweet,
but he doesn't know a lot of things.
So I'm supposed to pump him up,
but not so much that he's afraid to let me
down.
It's ironic that I'm struggling with this
since my greatest cheerleading move was
threading the needle.
It's when your seven cheermates make hoop
arms --
I don't care.
I just want Manny to learn how to take a
joke.
Yes, but there's a difference between a
joke
and yelling "Pervert!" before shoving him
into the girls' locker room.
Aye, please, that was funny.
Besides, I was the one who broke a heel
trying to keep the door shut.
College is a big change.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1403】-
Modern.Family.S08E11
I'm just trying to keep it light for him.
For him or for you?
Okay.
He's leaving me for the first time in his
life.
I've been married, I've been divorced,
I've lived here, I've lived there.
I drove a taxi, I won "Star Search."
Through all the changes in my life, there
was always us.
Like partners.
If I don't keep this light, I am going to
be very sad.
I know. It stinks.
You just have to hope they get irritating
enough
by the end of the year that you're ready
for them to go.
Maybe I should give him his harmonica back.
That's the spirit.
Here, take my half steak.
I'll take half your fish.
I got to trick my arteries every once in
a while,
keep them on their toes.
Well, I don't know what you're doing,
but you look great.
And you look great, too.
Oh, look, there's no line at the bar.
How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake?
Oh, you remembered, Sarge.
That was the only drink I could keep down
when I was pregnant.
Who are those people?
You heard them. They're "Sarge" and "Pea."
Two nicknames I have never heard in my
entire life.
This kindness, I don't trust it.
-I know, it's like a purple sky before a
storm. -Exactly.
Beautiful, until you realize the birds are
agitated
and ants are walking in circles.
Actually, you know what?
My -- My stomach's feeling a little weird.
I think I'm gonna take a walk, get a little
 Modern.Family.S08E11
fresh air. We didn't behave well when we were married,
Oh, no. You don't -- and I feel bad about that.
You are not running away this time. No. Me too.
Let go, bossy! We thought we were staying together for
Sit down. We are gonna suffer like a family! you,
No. Don't -- Don't stretch out my jacket! but I don't know, maybe we'd forced you
I just got back into slim fit! to live with two unhappy people for too
-Is everything all right? -Yeah. long.
-He's fine. -I just -- But we're happy now.
Oh, no, of course. Yeah, go get that. And that's probably why we're able to be
What's going on? our old selves today.
-Oh... -She pushed me. We should have said this a long time ago,
I didn't push him. but we didn't give you the kind of home you
He just, you know, slipped, fell. deserved,
Sit down, sit down. You're causing a scene. and for that, we're sorry.
It's very embarrassing. Well, you -- I mean, there was --
You have been quite rude today, young lady. There was happy times, too.
General Patton over there., Yeah, no, it wasn't all crazytown.
And this one is basically a cardboard - It was... - Yeah.
cutout Listen.
who occasionally sip wine and sighs. We're good, right? We can go?
We did not raise you to act like this. Yes. Of course.
-Oh, excuse me. -No, I-I got it. Wow. How about that?
No, in fact, you raised us to act exactly An apology.
like this, okay? I don't think I ever thought it would feel
You two are the ones that are acting crazy. so good.
What are you talking about? I do like seeing them happy.
Who the hell are Sarge and Pea, Yeah.
and where were they when we were growing Ohh, you.
up? Shut up.
Yeah, maybe if those two people had raised I feel stuff.
us, I know.
there would have been room in our house Son of a bitch! That is coconuts!
for other people to have emotions I remember you!
and somebody wouldn't have had to shut Do you miss spokesmodeling?
himself down. Aye, I do a boat show every now and then.
And maybe somebody wouldn't be trying That's how I keep my hand in it.
to control the whole world Watch, watch.
because she couldn't control the chaos This is how I sealed the deal.
in her own home growing up. It's you again.
Oh, come on.
We all know that's what's wrong with her.
- Oh, God. - So, come on.
What do you have to say for yourselves?
- Well, you're not wrong. - True.
- I'm -- I'm sorry. One more time. - What?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1404】-

Modern.Family.S08E12
Crap. Crap.
Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
In Colombia, when the old man starts
yelling at the mail,
We put them on a sandbar and wait for the
tide to come in.
Well, Delgado's got a doozy of a
Valentine's dilemma.
I texted out feelers for two dates.
Vicky Noh is top choice, but Alexa Potts
has been doing
this bad-girl thing lately I'm into.
So, while I wait for a yes from Noh,
I've got to keep Potts on the back burner.
Oh, my God. Is it still talking?
Jay, that's so rude!
He overthinks everything.
If you have a shot at the bad girl, jump.
I don't know.
She has a stepdad who
only pays attention to her hot older
sister.
I will dial the phone for you.
That was Joe's school. He's in trouble.
We need to go meet with the teacher.
What the hell did he do?
He robbed a bank and took 18 hostages.
How would I know? Let's go.
It's a no-go.
Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight,
but apparently can't find her bathing suit.
If you don't come home smelling of light
beer and chlorine,
Do not come home at all.
Uh, honey?
Happy Valentine's day, my love!
Oh, thank you. Ooh.
I love this. What is it?
It's the actual porch swing where we had
our first kiss.
- No. - Check it out.
The carvings are still on the back from 25
years ago.
Oh, my gosh. "Phil hearts Claire."
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1405】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
Oh, honey, this is gonna look so great out
on our porch.
I can't believe you did this.
It was nothing.
I made a few calls, drove half a day...
..had campari and haggled with a handsy gay
landlord,
took the swing apart, loaded it in a van,
ran out of gas in the desert,
got harassed by a shady state trooper,
and drove back with a blinding migraine.
But easy-peasy.
I love it.
Knock, knock. Happy Valentine's day
or, as I call it, "The best night to go to
the grocery store."
And here is your valentine's gift.
I wrapped it myself in the office,
And then, like a dingdong, I left it there,
so...
Whoa, sparkly.
Just like you. That's why I picked the
wrapping.
- She sure did. - Yeah. Go ahead.
Claire, I think I know what this is.
I can't believe you did this.
I know, right?
You got me an old watch.
- Pretty cool, right? - So cool.
I've got a crazy-good poker face,
but I didn't love the watch.
I'd been dropping these big hints
about a pair of genuine Houdini handcuffs
on sale at a local magic shop.
They're from his famous coffin of cobras
escape of 1923.
The trick was so shocking
that women went into spontaneous labor
and the men paired off in violent fighting.
I, uh, don't think it's working.
Oh, well, I mean,
I'm just seeing this watch for the first
time,
But it looks like it's got a self-winder.
You just move your... Yeah.
...arm around to keep it going.

I should probably get going.
Mother's waiting in the truck...
...And she's patient until she isn't.
Oh, and I've got to get to work, too,
before all the single gals show up.
It's pretty hard to concentrate with all
the bathroom crying
and the half-eaten chocolates getting
hurled at the wall.
- Have a good one. - I will.
Wow. Those are nice.
Yeah, they were on the front porch.
They're from a mystery admirer.
The card says, "You don't know your power."
Oh, that's my bad.
I was power-washing the flagstones
- in my old cheer shorts -- - They're for
me.
Yeah, don't ask who they're from,
because I don't know, but I will find out.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, I am winding an old watch
that your mother gave me for Valentine's
day.
Oh. That's pretty uneven. You gave her this
awesome swing.
Man, where did mom find a guy as sweet as
you?
Actually, she hit me with her car
when I was break-dancing in a KFC parking
lot.
And your mother's not unromantic.
She's just been busy with work lately.
Well, you've been married for like 25
years.
What's that supposed to mean?
You guys are overdue for the romance
to fizzle out a little bit.
Oh, well, it's nice to know that some
dime-store posies
from an unnamed stalker have
made you an expert on matters of the heart.
It so happens that your mother is still very
romantic,
which I will prove with a surprise visit
to her office this afternoon.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1406】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
Let me guess -- you built this inside
and didn't measure the door?
Card was right. You don't know your own
power...
to be mean.
Thank you so much for helping us out.
Ah, yeah. Rainer has work, anyways.
He does this Valentine's day thing
- where he tracks cupid on the radar. - Aww,
cute.
Oh, and Lily gets to stay up a little later
tonight
because she had a big-girl moment at
school.
Yes, this boy Jagger -- 'cause that's a name
now --
teased her and she told him off in front
of everybody.
And we're proud of you because you used your
words.
She used our words. We wrote her a little
speech.
She really told that kid off good.
Our society encourages women to be
unassertive,
so we need to do everything we can to --
to really empower lily.
We may not get women,
but that allows us to really get women.
We may not hook up with women,
but we really understand women.
I think it was clear when I said that.
So, what's with this whole "going out
early" thing.
Well, it's been forever since we've had a
date-night out,
and so we made a little list of the six
things
that we love to do but never get to do.
Ugh, pathetic.
Okay, we get to say that, not you.
No, no, no, it's Dylan.
He texts me every Valentine's day begging
to hook up.
Oh, that is sad.
I know. It almost never works.

All right, you old bags,
put your teeth in, you're taking me out.
Sal, what are you doing here?
It's Valentine's day and my
new German boyfriend, Werner, is out of
town,
and I don't like to drink alone.
The first part's true.
Well, actually, we have plans.
Aw, but now you have better plans.
Fausta here can babysit Sammy
and General Tso over there.
Sammy, tell your guncles hello
like I taught you.
Enchante.
Ahh! What am I looking at here?
I'm raising him gay.
Tell Uncle Mitchell what you think about
those pants.
Tragic.
Oh, it's sticking!
So, come on. Let's go. Uh...
Hey, if she's watching the kids,
I don't want to be a fourth wheel,
so I'll just come and join you three.
That-that sounds great.
Mitchell, can I talk to you over by the
fireplace?
Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, so what about our plans? - Look, you
know Sal.
She's not gonna leave until we agree to
this.
So, look, we'll just get the two of them
drinking.
They won't even notice when we slip away,
and, you know, get back to our list.
- That's a good plan. - Yeah.
You know what? I didn't even want to do
number one anyway.
It makes me feel dirty and ashamed.
Okay, well, bye-bye, Cheesecake Factory.
Wow. All right.
I asked you guys to come in today because
Joe has given me a very, um, inappropriate
Valentine's Day gift.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1407】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
I assume that he got this from home?
Ms. Clarke, I am so sorry.
I'm sure that Joe doesn't even know what
he was doing.
Looks like I'm finally gonna get to fight
with one son
over the Sports Illustrated swimsuit
issue.
Jay, this is not funny.
I come from a very long line of overly sexy
men.
My cousin Ricardo, he had a sex addition.
You mean "addiction."
Uh, yeah, sorry.
He built an addiction onto his house
for making love to his many girlfriends.
Well, Joe just needs to know
that this type of gift is not okay.
And you're right, and I'm gonna talk to him.
Did I do something wrong?
You did take something out of your mom's
drawer without asking.
But I'm gonna give you a pass on that one.
The thing is, the gift was inappropriate.
Well, you give underpants to Mom.
True.
You do it every year.
Look, you can give that kind of thing
to your wife or your girlfriend.
But it's a little bit different when it's
your teacher, okay?
Fine. Can I go back to the quiet room now?
I already missed half of my nap.
You know how I get.
Sure. Go ahead.
Everything's squared away.
Ms. Clarke, sorry for the trouble.
May I have that back?
Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.
I didn't know that real humans could have
these dimensions.
- Thanks. - Thank you.
I seem to have dropped my spare hotel key.
- Phil -- - Shh.
No need to call whoever this Phil is.
You're in no danger.

This key is to room 422 at the Ramada down
the street.
Slip out when you can.
I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors
so you don't set it off when you shimmy out
of those sensible wide-leg trousers.
For the past several Valentine's,
we've adopted sexy alter egos --
Juliana, wild and spontaneous,
And Clive, passionate collector
of beautiful women and antique sailing
maps.
Clive, I love this id-
Save that energy, my dear.
This hotel has a very short memory
and a very long outdoor staircase.
Claire, you have to finish signing these
contracts.
Hey, Phil.
Phil? No.
Name's Clive, friend.
Say, maybe you could take over here for a
bit.
I'll make sure the boss lady's back in one
piece
no later than --
Oh, come on.
- Hi, Phil. - It's Clive, actually.
Apparently they have a thing like how you
and your sister
go to those conventions dressed like
stuffed animals.
Oh. Uh, Claire, your 2:00 is here
and you can't be late.
Phil, look, I really appreciate this. I do.
- It's just that -- - So, I spoke to the
florist.
Turns out my admirer
sent these from Pritchett's Closets.
I may have a sad love life, but I don't need
my mommy
trying to boost my self-esteem.
And if you really want to give me some
confidence,
how about a picture of me on your desk,
and not just Haley and Luke.
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1408】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
First of all, I didn't give you those
flowers.
Second of all, there is a picture of you.
Where is it?
Salutations.
Yes, hello.
I've got a meeting.
Ben, you're gonna finish the contract
stuff.
Margaret, you're gonna take Alex.
You're gonna find out who's using our
account for flowers, okay?
Phil, honey,
We'll do Valentine's Day later, okay?
Do I know that guy in the cloak?
Ah, hinge specialist. You might've seen him
around.
He's the guy for offbeat swivels
and rare-beveled hook joints.
I find everything you just said very titil-
We'll make up for this later over dinner,
I promise.
I've got it all planned.
This whole Clive thing wasn't even
necessary.
Claire was taking me out to dinner all
along.
Romance strong as ever.
Margaret, get a reservation
for me and Phil tonight, anywhere.
I've got too much going on to even think
about it.
Werner is great.
You know, he's a rich musician,
tours a lot, no strings.
Well, um...
...This has been fun, but we should, uh...
You're not going anywhere, carrot bottom.
Oh, my god. Is that Rainer?
Why is he with another woman?
That sounds cheat-y.
That's Haley's weatherman boyfriend.
- Sorry, Hale. - We need to leave.
No, you got to go confront him.
Mm. I'm upset. I've had a couple drinks.
No.

Okay.
So, what's it like touring the world with
other Canadian acrobats?
What?
We just assumed you were a member of cirque
du soleil.
Yup, because you're bending over backwards
to avoid standing up for yourself.
And setting a good example
for other women.
You both were thinking that?
- Fine. - Finally.
I was beginning to think she was weaker
than Mitchell's jawline.
Everyone knows why you grew that thing.
Okay, this coming from the woman who -- who
won't admit
that she's upset that her boyfriend
abandoned her
on Valentine's day.
Oh, and didn't you just get back from
learning
how to plant corn with the Indians?
Because you look, to us, like an early
settler.
Settler.
We're saying that you settle.
You practice this at home, don't you?
- We do not. - We do not.
Now, I knew it couldn't be angels bowling,
so --
I thought you were working today.
And didn't we agree that you never wear that
sweater again?
- My... - Excuse me.
We're kind of on a date right now.
- Uh, Haley. - Oh, save it, you lying,
cheating, middle-aged pointer.
That's what you do, you know -- you point.
You point for your money! We are done!
Happy Valentine's day.
My hair.
Oh, that was crazy
and great and awful and I don't know what
to do.
I'm just gonna go home.
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1409】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
What?! No! I like you now.
Werner has a yacht with a full bar. Let's
go.
I'm not letting you go home in this mood.
Okay, well, you know, that sounds kind of
like
a girl thing, so...
Oh, okay, if that's Rainer calling to make
excuses,
don't answer.
It's just pathetic Dylan trying to hook up
again.
Let me handle this. Hey, boo boo.
Well, another woman empowered.
- It's what we do. - Yes, it is.
Okay, back to the list.
Oh, wait one second. It's Lily.
Hey, honey. Is everything okay?
Jagger was very hurt by our speech.
She didn't answer his texts
'cause we told her not to.
Good.
- He ran away. - He did?
People are forming a human chain
to search for him in the woods.
Okay, honey, well, we'll be home soon, all
right?
Do you think we have some responsibility
in this Jagger situation?
Ah...No. No.
They -- they chose to build near the woods.
Good advice is good advice, okay?
- That's right. - You guys, where's Haley?
Um, she is on a boat in the marina,
putting you in her rearview mirror.
- Boats have those, don't they? - I think
so.
You guys, I was only letting that woman
think we were on a date
because she runs a celebrity site
that buys photos from paparazzi, okay?
I was trying to get one of me back
because Haley is in it and this is the
photo.
- No. God, no. - Oh, my gosh.
Bedhead, sneeze face, and ugg slippers?

And now Haley's not answering my calls
and somehow I'm supposed to smile through
a weather report
in 15 minutes?
Pull yourself together, Rainer.
You're a weatherman.
Do you think our advice --
Sucked? Yes. Yes.
We need to get to that boat
before Haley hooks up with dylan.
She wouldn't do something that stupid.
Did you see the uggs?
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mom, I'm home.
We got Valentines.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Kewley.
Is the party over?
We had an incident.
Your son gave my Bailey
a very strange Valentine's gift.
I am so sorry.
Didn't your father talk to you about this
already?
Yeah, and he said it's okay to give it to
a girlfriend.
We're going. And Bailey is certainly not
his girlfriend.
She would be lucky!
Is that Bailey?
'Bause I think Joe has a little thing for
her.
Yeah, he did have a little thing for her.
It's here. He did it again.
I knew I shouldn't have trusted you talking
to him,
because you will let him get away with
murder
because he's a mini you and you like it.
And you know what's worse?
That you're so mean to Manny
because he's different than you.
First off, Joe is not a mini me.
Crap. Crapola. Crapinski.
Well, maybe a little,
and maybe I kind of like it.
But why would you want to knock the Jay out
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1410】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
of Joe?
Instead of one trophy, you get two.
Okay, thank God.
Oh, gosh, there she is.
What are you guys doing here?
Need a sailor to cross off number four
on that Valentine's day list of yours?
Was that mean i've been around Sal, I've
lost my filter.
You know what? We all make mistakes.
Which is a-a funny thing to remember
when we tell you about a very funny
misunderstanding.
Cameron, Mitchell, what a pleasant
surprise.
Sal, you okay? You seem not yourself.
Yeah, I feel like you used to blink.
I took your advice. Called Werner.
Told him I wasn't going to settle.
How did that --
How -- how did that go?
He was thinking that we might be something
special,
and then I gave him the ultimatum,
and he said, "Maybe we're not actually
meant to be."
I don't know what's happening. S-sal,
w-what are you doing?
Straightening up.
You know, a place for everything...
- No. - ...everything in its place.
Hey, what about this?
This was actually salvaged from the
Bismarck.
That's...
Why are you helping?
Feels good. Men suck.
No, no, n-not all men, okay?
We -- we just talked to Rainer,
and, um, that wasn't a date.
What?!
Okay, why did you break that?
'Cause now I'm mad at you!
You made me break up with him!
Oh, my God. Now I have to call Rainer,
and Dylan.

- Oh, Sal, sweetie... - Sal, you gotta --
You're spilling there.
- Lift it, lift it. - Oh, clumsy, clumsy.
I'll just make it all go away.
- No! We are still on board. - No, Sal.
We are sorry we made you call Werner.
We didn't know that that was gonna happen.
So you have to understand that you...
Mitchell you want to step in here?
I'm getting dizzy.
I am --
- Stop it! - Okay, no more.
No more matches. No more matches.
Okay, what -- I don't know what to do.
Okay, well, maybe we should just...
Werner's precious Tony award.
He keeps in at sea as the ultimate
aphrodisiac.
For women?,
Auf Wiedersehen, award for best
orchestration.
- Oh, my God. - No. Sal, Sal.
- Haley, help. - No.
I will not tell your gay son
that you threw a Tony into the ocean.
- Give it to me! - No!
Oh, my god. Did she fall in?
No.
I've got her right here.
Sal, we are so sorry.
If it wasn't for our stupid advice,
you would've left things alone and things
might've been okay.
- Shut up! - Okay, okay.
That cold water woke me up to the hard truth
--
I'm smart, I'm beautiful,
I'm legendary in bed, yet I do settle.
I mean, Werner is not good enough for me.
I mean, I get why you two idiots settled.
This is the best you're gonna do, right
here.
You're perfectly matched.
Well, it's kind of sweet when you look at
it that way.
Yeah. We are very lucky.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1411】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
Happy Valentine's day.
Yeah, happy Valentine's day.
Shut up. Read a room, poofs.
Hey. Margaret said you keep the phone
records.
Why? What do you need them for?
I'm still trying to find out who sent me
those flowers.
- You keep them in here? - No, don't.
Don't.
Ben, why do you have this photo of me in
your desk drawer?
I think someone's pranking me, probably.
- I'm gonna go. - Okay.
Wait, look. I sent the flowers, okay?
When you temped here last summer,
I became tempted by your charms.
Well, thank you, but aren't you like 40?
What? I'm 26.
I -- I had a sweetart addiction when I was
a kid
and I permanently damaged my collagen.
Wow. I've been in a series of bizarre,
shame-filled relationships.
You work for my mother. You still live at
home.
- Look at all those medications. Kiss me.
- What?
Whoa. Okay, that was very cool,
but you should know that I have dedicated
my life to closets,
I am obsessed with your grandfather,
and I sleep with a body pillow that I put
a nightgown on.
Stop, you're making it better.
Here you go. Busy night, sir.
I assume you have a reservation?
Yes. My wife made it.
She kind of dropped the ball on my gift,
but she came through with a table at the
legendary Enrico's.
I'm sorry, sir. Enrico's is a couple doors
down.
So, just yourself?
Uh, no, I'll be meeting my wife tonight.
That's the spirit.

What'd I miss?
This overpaid bum missed a putt.
I'm supposed to not like this.
Well, call me an idiot, Jay.
Sure enough, Alexa and I did end up in a
hot tub together.
But around her third beer,
I suggested she have some water to stay
hydrated.
She tried to shut me up by kissing me,
which I liked, but she kept calling me
Travis.
Oh, my God! Is it still talking?!
Joe, you don't ever disrespect your brother
like that.
And no more giving underwear to little
girls, or anyone else,
'cause it's creepy and European.
Now go to your room.
It's fun when your kids get your best
qualities,
but it's a kick in the gut when they pick
up stuff
you hate about yourself.
I saw that ugly, impatient part of me
coming out of my adorable son.
In fairness, that adorable part also came
from me.
We both got my mom's crab-apple cheeks and
pillow lips.
Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.
We had a whole incident -- mwah --
at the warehouse, a paint mixer blew up.
Luckily I had these overalls in my office
I could...
Oh, you're mad, aren't you?
Mad?
I mean, was this the best Valentine's day
we've ever had?
No.
Was it the worst? Yes.
I gave you a great gift.
I tried to surprise you at the office.
You repaid the effort by making a
reservation
at a truck stop and dressing up like Tom
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1412】-
Modern.Family.S08E12
Sawyer.
But hey, maybe this happens to everyone,
Claire.
Romance fizzles. Magic dies.
At least we can mark the exact time it
happened to us,
thanks to my new watch,
which only a switchboard operator from the
1950s
could keep wound.
You mean this watch?
The houdini handcuffs.
I've been taking magic lessons as a
Valentine's surprise.
Wait a minute. The supposed hinge salesman
at your office.
The great majesto.
Of course. I didn't recognize him
without his floor-length robe covered in
question marks.
And we also really do have a reservation
at that really nice place down the street.
So, we should probably get your check.
Excuse me. Can we get the check?
But are you really dressed for...
So wonderful. I can't...
Come on, honey. We should get going.
Wait, uh, do you have the key?
No. But you do.
I don't deserve you.
Honey, you gave me a V.D. I will carry with
me always.
Let's say "Valentine's day."
You know, I never thought you'd beat my gift,
but you did.
Oh, honey.
I'm beginning to think that mine was a swing
and a miss.
Hardly. Yours was fantastic.
But how about a swing with a Miss?
- You are killing it today! - I know!
Did you cover that again?
I didn't. That's weird.
What the hell?
I transported it to the porch.
You're welcome.
 Modern.Family.S08E12
I didn't ask him to do that...
or tell him where we live.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1413】-

Modern.Family.S08E13
Okay.
Screwdriver?
Backup screwdriver.
I come from a long line of handy men.
My dad used to fix everything --
lawnmowers, cars, our cat.
So it made sense that I tackled the clothes
dryer
after the repair guy tried to rip me off.
I'm not paying $350
for a moisture sensor that costs $28.
I'll fix it myself.
It's a complicated job.
You know what I did back in Russia?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You were a doctor or a scientist.
I fixed dryers.
I've been doing this a long time is my
point.
Well, your Phil Dunphy is no push-over.
I'm afraid it's a hard nyet.
I guess these are clean enough.
I'll have this thing running in no time,
honey.
I have an instructional video,
and I'm labeling each part as I take it out.
"Right-back corner.
Tiny elbow-y thingy.
My right. Dryer left."
Can't you do this somewhere else?
Right, the dryer's the one that needs to
get its own place.
Honey, you have to be up anyhow. We've got
our cooking class.
I want to get there early and grab a stove
up front.
Oh, my God, Mom. You and that chef.
Keep it in your apron.
Mom's obsessed with this TV chef Charles
Dumont.
She watches his show every day.
Not sure she listens, though.
A pinch of sugar,
and your taste buds will surrender like the
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1414】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
French.
I'm sorry, that joke was a little
fromage-y.
- Did he say salt? - Sugar. Sugar. Sugar.
Mmm! I'd love to give him some sugar.
But I'm pretty sure he said salt here, baby.
- Take taste. - Oh, no. Aah!
- Yeah. - Yeah?
That's got something in it.
Oh, almost out of cookin' juice.
All right, the next step is very important.
You sure you don't want to pause it?
Oh, no, I'm good.
We got to fix this.
We can't tell her how bad her food is,
because that would destroy her.
So when I found out Chef Dumont was coming
to town,
I signed us up for his class so he could
do it.
I know. Pretty intense, huh?
Now I just grab the sensor
and put it --
Oh, a little linty.
I probably should have emptied...
Aah! Are the parts okay?
Yeah, they're fine.
Oh, thank God.
I don't know --
All right, Joe. Fire it in here, buddy.
Ooh! Yes!
Good! Now I don't have to tell another son
that some boys have different gifts.
Good job there, slugger.
What the hell's going on here, Gloria?
I feel like I died.
I'm watching my family as a ghost.
Don't be silly. If that happened,
I would have changed all this furniture.
I hired Coach Gary.
He's gonna teach Joe how to throw.
Joe is the worst on his team.
I hear you!
Your son's in good hands, Jay.
I led my team to the championship last year.
We weren't supposed to keep score,

but I did in my head.
This is crazy.
Kid's supposed to learn the stuff from his
dad,
baseball, how to drive a car,
how to fight a guy from Jersey.
If you think you took his knife...
He's got another one.
Joe learned to throw by copying Jay,
but Jay throws all crazy because of his bad
shoulder.
Like this, buddy.
Son of a...!
Son of a...!
It's the same reason Joe whistles
"Sentimental Journey" when he pees.,
You seem like a nice guy and all,
but I got this.
Hey, no sweat. Coach Gary gets it.
Hey, uh, don't forget your ball.
It's okay, Jay. Some boys have different
gifts.
- Let me get the door. - Ok, thank you.
Hi. Can I help you?
I'm here for Lily.
I always knew this day would come.
Probably not what she's here for.
How do you know our daughter?
I don't. She hired me for a cleaning job.
Oh. What?
Wow. Right on time.
Wait, Lily, did you hire a cleaning lady?
Yeah, with an app on your phone.
Daddy said my room was a pig sty.
Okay, we'll double back to that unnecessary
and inaccurate slam on pigs.
And I think daddy meant for you to clean
your room.
We can't have you cleaning our daughter's
room.
It just -- It sends the wrong message.
We get to review you guys, too, you know.
Go clean your room.
It's not fair. You guys use apps for
everything.
No, we don't.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1415】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
Well...
Okay, there's Uber for when we eat out...
and Postmates when we eat at.
And TaskGrabBag for stuff around the house.
And Washio and ParkMe
and the one where the guy comes over
and builds a fire in your fireplace.
Oh, LogBuddy. I love LogBuddy.
We need to start leading by example.
From now on, we're all gonna be a little
more self-reliant.
For starters, I'll build the fires.
But the LogBuddy guy comes dressed as a
lumberjack.
I have a flannel shirt.
Where are all the extra pieces?
There aren't any. I used every last one.
Did you throw them away?
You can tell me. I won't be angry.
I fixed the dryer, Claire,
and you get to be here for the moment of
truth.
Pull the pin.
It works.
I had no idea you were so good with your
hands.
Very manly.
I pinched my thumb with a pair of pliers
earlier.
Not a peep.
Luke, daddy and I need to go upstairs
to discuss something in private.
Just go. You're ruining sex for me.
Oh, we just created some static in these
sheets, huh?
- That felt amazing. - Yeah.
I got all up in that dryer and fixed the
hell out of it.
I feel capable of anything.
You know what?
I'm gonna build it.
- Dunphy Tower? - Dunphy Tower.
Dunphy Tower --
My first commercial real-estate
development.
I've been dreaming of building it since I

was a kid,
Now it's all happening.
Well, minus the trampoline park on the roof
and the tunnel to my best friend's house.
I am still holding out hope for a fireman's
pole
that takes you to the parking garage.
Well, if you're sure you're finally ready.
Of course I am.
I just fixed the dryer.
And it was the most satisfying thing I've
ever done.
I'll just get dressed, I guesse.
Phil, I know where we are.
I drove.
You know what this is,
but I'm about to tell you what this could
be.
This is my least-favorite way of talking.
You are standing on the site of the future
Dunphy Tower.
A quarter acre of mixed-use space
in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Commercial real estate, huh?
This is a departure for you.
I thought about it down to the last detail.
Imagine a happy worker
coming down from their transit-friendly
office
for a fancy coffee beverage or yoga,
and what's that over there?
A doll's foot, I hope.
A farm-to-table dog bakery.
Ooh, Stella and I went to one of those in
Solvang.
She got a quiche.
It looked so good, I almost split it with
her.
I don't want you to feel pressured to
invest,
but I want you to know this isn't a whim.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
What got you off the sidelines?
This is gonna sound silly,
but I fixed a dryer today.
I took it all apart and swapped out the
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1416】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
sensor.
Get out of here.
The guy wanted 350 bucks.
I paid $28.
Holy cow!
Ho come we haven't been talking about this
the whole time?
Because I'm so excited about this project.
I-I really think this could be a good
investment.
I don't want to hear any more.
You're the most cautious guy I know
when it comes to business.
If you think this is a slam dunk, I'm in.
Really?
'Cause I have an offer ready to go.
You say the word, I hit "Send."
Do it. I've been looking for investment
opportunities.
If you're confident, I'm confident.
Because you know what I'll do to you
if you blow my money.
All right, you are about to get
an important lesson on self-reliance,
young lady.
I know he's serious when he calls me "Young
lady."
My dad did the same thing. Okay.
Okay, no more doing chores with our phones.
We're going to get our hands dirty.
And, Mitchell, you're gonna start right
here and manscape this.
- Really? Okay. - And guess what you're
gonna do?
Can I be in charge of watering the cement
like the gardener?,
Nope. You're gonna get down on your hands
and knees
and pick weeds.
You know what I had to do when I was your
age?
I had to crawl through a cornfield and pick
up rocks.
I couldn't even have breakfast until I
picked 100.
I'd strap a flashlight to my head, and off

I'd go.
One rock, two rocks,
Oh, my God!
It's called dramatic tension.
- It's called a beehive. Right-Right there.
- What?!
Yep. Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Oh, no. It's worse. - Yeah, yeah,
yeah.
- Those are wasps. - Oh, I hate wasps!
No, not you, Mr. Fletcher. The...
Come on.
Gloria?
Phil got me to invest in a mini-mall,
so you might want to dial back
on the shoe purchases for a while.
One second. One second.
"Place order."
What did you say, baby?
- Drawer's fixed. - What the hell?!
Don't sneak up on people like that.
I'm liable to have knocked you out.
I doubt it.
I was gonna fix that, anyway.
Ay. Like you were going to clean the gutter?
Coach Gary did it already.
It really wasn't a problem.
I'm not afraid of heights, and I've got big
hands.
Those are fun details.
It's like the guy was trying to steal my
life.
I wish he'd shown up when I was married to
Dede.
I would have made him a key.
Let me show you out, although you sound like
you know the place pretty good already.
Hey, Jay, I've got a date Friday night.
Can I borrow your car?
Sure, you can borrow your mother's car.
Who's the lucky girl?
Rachel Caputo.
She and Manny work on the school paper
together.
Extra, extra! She's a cutie.
Thanks for your help.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1417】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
Hey, I just played the ukulele.
You sang the song.
Yeah. Coach Cupid!
All right, gear.
You don't want to miss that bus.
Thanks again, Coach Gary.
He's not even your coach.
I need a scotch and a James Bond marathon.
You may be out of luck.
The TV wasn't working a minute ago.
Sounds like the satellite dish.
Big hands probably mess it up poking around
my gutters.
- Let me check it out. - No, no, no.
That might be very dangerous.
Let me go grab Coach Gary, and he can help
you.
I said I'd do it.
Yeah, but I'm sure Coach Gary
wouldn't mind sticking around.
I'm getting out and pressure myself!
Thank you all for coming.
Who here wants to go to Paris right now?
Moi!
No. We're not getting on a plane.
We'll be transported by these humble
ingredients.
How great is he?
So great. Listen to everything he says.
Look to your left. Look to your right.
Before this class is through,
all of you will know how to make earl
roasted chicken
Ohh! I know this recipe.
I could make this chicken in my sleep.
How about we try it awake?
Let's start with the most important
ingredient -- thyme.
That's right. It's time to chop thyme.
He's just like he is on TV.
Yeah.
Thyme and chicken play together very well,
unlike dogs and chickens.
Tragic story, my rescue and I
live next to an urban farm and...
Oh, my, do you mind if I use this as an

example?
Oh! Avec pleasure.
See how she's chopped it stems and all?
That's wrong.
Sloppiness like this can ruin a dish.
Oh. I had no idea.
I suppose when it comes to herbs, though,
you owe something of a sage.
That's clever. Thank you.
You can't eat clever.
Freeze! Police!
I'm a realtor, not a criminal.
Oh, well, then you're not doing it right.
Hey, Gil.
If one of your clients is actually thinking
about buying this minefield,
that would be their second bad decision.
- First was hiring you. - Yeah, I got it.
You're not gonna push one of your clients
into this swamp, are you?
Maybe it just needs a developer
with a little vision.
Very little vision and no sense of smell.
This neighborhood makes El Segundo
seem like a Sephora.
It's in transition.
Yeah, it's turning into Fallujah.
I'm out of here before I get jacked.
- You're gonna be around for a while? - I
might.
Maybe you can score me some methadone.
Hey, Bob.
Good news, Phil. They accepted your offer.
Without a counter? Maybe I came too high.
Whatever. They were really happy.
Are...
Hold on, Bob. It's my son.
Luke, what's up?
Dad?
I think something is wrong with the dryer.
But I-I fixed it.
I fixed it good.
I'll be right there.
Hurry! I think it's leaving.
Now, this is fresh produce.
I can't even describe...
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1418】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
Strike three!
How exactly is this an improvement?
Jay picked that lamp.
By the way. Have you seen him?
I don't know how I got stuck.
I've been on roofs since I was 14 and
discovered
it was the best way to see into Ethel
Burkin's bedroom.
Older gal. 50s, I think.
Today you probably wouldn't give him a
second look,
but this was before the Internet.
It was either that or a Sears catalog.
Can I take a picture of this?
Sometimes my friends don't believe my
stories.
There's gonna be a better way of doing this.
On the contrary, Mitchell.
It's simplicity itself.
I dislodge the nest. It falls into the trash
can.
You close the lid.
Then we just have a barrel full of angry
wasps.
They will be swiftly transported to a farm
up state
where they'll be much happier.
Ooh, they'll see my friend's dog.,
Yeah, just like that.
All right. First, we just have to dislodge
the nest.
No, no, no, no!
There's one on my face. There's one --
Don't move. I've been compromised.
Get in the house!
Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Bad idea!
Ow! I was gonna take you to a farm!
I may have to change the name of this side
dish
to "Potatoes au great-in."
I'm not hearing a difference.
Gratin...
Oh, this is...unique.
Yes, thank you very much.
You know how on your show you were always

taking chances
and trusting your instincts?
Well, that is what I did.
That's because I have good instincts.
What's something you do well?
Cook?
No.
Uh, mom, I think what he's trying to say
is that you should more closely follow his
recipe.
You know, use the ingredients that he
mentions.
Measure stuff.
- Right? - Not at all.
As I say in the foreword
of my third book, "Who Can't Cook?"
"Some people can't cook."
Don't feel bad.
Gourmet cooking is tough,
though not as tough as your chicken.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
It's times like this
I wish I had a refund policy.
Wait a second.
I have been making
this food for my family for months now.
I make a big meal every Sunday.
I'm a working mom.
It's my one chance a week to give my family
something
and make up for the time I haven't spent
with them.
Are you telling me I've been giving my
family garbage?
Wait, uh...
Haley, honey,
have I been serving you garbage?
What do you think I said?
She is the best cook ever.
We love all of her meals.
- Am I singing? - So good.
So...
Jay?
Jay!
I'm up here.
Ay, Dios mio! Your time was too short!
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1419】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
I'm on the roof.
Ah. Oh, okay.
So come down because the TV's working
already.
You know, I'm kind of enjoying hanging out
up here.
I-I'll be down in a little bit.
Hey, if Joe wants to work on his throwing
arm,
maybe he can toss up, uh, an empty bottle.
Are you stuck up there?
Stuck? No!
I can come down whenever I want to.
I just have to... dangle my body out over
the edge
and then reach blindly
for that top rung of the ladder you're not
supposed to use.
But I'll be in in a little bit.
I got a few things I got to do.
Got to maintain the roof.
It's your house's hat.
I called the one person
I couldn't possibly be embarrassed in front
of.
It's grandpa.
Don't answer! He can't know about this.
We have a verbal contract that's largely
based
on my ability to fix dryers.
Please work.
Yes!
Maybe.
- What's that smell? - Failure.
Oh, Cam, that sting looks really bad.
We -- We should get you to a doctor.
A doctor for a wasps sting?,
Yes, let's put on our top hats
and eat crumpets while we're on our way.
Okay, I know you think you're making a
point.
Back on the farm,
every time we would take down a wasp nest,
I would get stung.
Something you might have mentioned.
And never once did I need fancy medicine.

Just a little mud.
That's right, Lily.
Daddy's being self-reliant.
What do you think the chances are he means
actuall mud?
Pretty good.
Like my Aunt Dot said,
"Whether it's bee stings or back aches,
a little mud is good for what ails you."
I don't remember meeting an Aunt Dot.
She died.
15 minutes later.
All right.
I thought I'd make you a little bit --
Oh, my God!
What? My face?
Is it bad? It feels bad.
It looks a little like
you stared directly into the Lost Ark.
- I want to see. - You don't.
Do you think maybe me putting mud on it made
it worse?
I don't know how putting dirt directly into
a wound --
It -- It -- Where are you going?
To the doctor. I want to be pretty again.
Well, w-what about being self-reliant?
It's my face! Let's go!
Wasps! They're still out there!
Yeah, I'll hold.
I'm pulling out of the deal.
Why? What happened?
I'm not the man you thought
you had middle of the day sex with.
Honey, I heard about the dryer.
It's not just that.
I ran into Gil. He thinks it's a bad idea.
Your dad's money is on the line.
I've never done anything like this.
Who cares what Gil Thorpe thinks?
Nobody knows more about real estate than
you do,
and you've been thinking about this project
for a long time.
I believe in you.
You should believe in yourself.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1420】-
Modern.Family.S08E13
Yeah, hey, Bob.
It's Phil.
Remove the contingencies. Let's do this.
Is that a fact?
Thanks for letting me know.
Gil Thorpe made a backup offer.
He was just trying to scare me away.
Oh! I am so proud of you!
Wow. Looks like the both of us had
a little crisis of confidence today.
In my cooking classs...
- Yes? - Yes, well,
Chef Dumont had the audacity
to tell me that I can't cook.
Luckily, this one was there to straighten
him out.
I'm gonna make you a celebratory dinner.
I think I've got most of the ingredients.
I can't wait! Mm-hmm.
You had one job.
Hi, Jay.
Oh, crap. She called you.
Give me your hand.
Why? So you can show me up again?
What are you talking about?
Give it a rest.
You come in here with your young shoulders,
your ukulele.
I'm not trying to show you up, Jay.
I'm trying to impress you.
Why the heck would you want to do that?
I guess you could say like you,
I'm stranded in my own way.
This is my least-favorite way of talking.
I got to tell you, Jay,
I'm over the whole sports thing.
But you just won the championship.
Exactly.
And there's no more Dragons to slay.
That's the team we beat last year --
the Baby Blue Dragons.
I'm not seeing how I figure into this.
I want to start my own business.
You've been so successful.
I was thinking maybe you could be my mentor.
What line of work?
 Modern.Family.S08E13
Pre-fab gazebos.
Nice!
Every backyard could be its own town
square.
I knew you'd get it.
After all, what's a gazebo but...
- An outdoor closet! - an outdoor closet?
You're all right, Coach Gary.
Give me your hand. Help me down.
We'll get a few drinks, and we'll talk
business.
Gary's Gazebos.
Gazebos by Gary.
Gary's Gazebos and Sheds.
You don't need me.
All right.
Is this you sitting alone in an empty yard
wishing you had....
...a gazebo...
...or a shed?
If it is, then call Gary's Gazebos and
Sheds.
Because here, we only do one thing --
...sell, install,
and service gazebos and sheds.
And ask about our bird baths.
We own 10% of that, you know.
How much money did you put into the
businesses?
Well, you can't take it with you.
But we'll all still be here!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1421】-

Modern.Family.S08E14
Breathe it in, girls. My journey begins
today.
Finally bringing something into this world
I can be proud of.
As children, the Wright brothers dreamed
of flying machines.,
Oprah dreamed of hiding presents under
chairs.,
And I dreamed of building something
magnificent.
Well, recently, Jay and I bought a vacant
lot
on which we are building Dunphy tower.
What I wouldn't give to reach back in time
to tell the 15-year-old dreamer who drew
this,
"We did it, kid."
Claire, you look terrible.
Thanks.
No. I mean, you're all locked up.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess the Spa Day that I booked for you
tomorrow
came at the perfect time.
Oh, right, that.
I have to be very delicate with Gloria
around my birthday.
Last year, for some insane reason,
She got me this gift certificate
for ridiculous salsa-dancing lessons.
Like I'm ever gonna use that. Come on.
Anyway, somehow, she's convinced herself
I didn't "appreciate" her gifts.
You know.
Some people.
So, tomorrow at work might be a little bit
hectic.
Just a lot of stuff going on at the office.
And it's not that I don't want to do it,
'cause I do.
No, Claire, let's not do this dance again.
We all know how you feel about dancing.
Proud, proud day, Phil.
Thanks, partner.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1422】-
Modern.Family.S08E14
Maybe we should get this show on the road.
The photographer's been taking shots of
Haley
when she's not looking.
That's weird. I didn't hire a photographer.
Dunphy, right? Jared Cook.
Nice shovel.
Thanks. I painted it myself.
This is my partner, Jay Pritchett.
I represent Jetatech. Are you familiar with
us?
Not in the least.
Oh, you'll have to forgive Jay.
He's a bit of luddite.
Anyway, our building is two doors down,
and we're looking to expand our campus.
We want this lot,
and we're prepared to offer you
20% over what you paid plus expenses.
That's a nice offer, Jare,
but I don't think you understand what's
happening here.
It's not about the huge profits.
We're building my son-in-law's dream,
and it's gonna be a giant success
because this is man of vision.
Oh, I know all about dreams.
Someday, I hope to get into encrypted
packet switching.
Good luck to you, gentlemen.
Jay, this man's vision just got blurry with
tears.
Would you get ahold of yourself.
I just said that crap to drive the price
up.
He'll be back.
I don't want him to come back.
Whether you meant it or not, this is my
dream.
We're in this to make money.
And we will.
By the power vested in me by the commercial
zoning board,
I do hereby officially break ground
on the future home of Dunphy tower.
Oh, that's...strong soil.
 Modern.Family.S08E14
That's a good omen. Get me a door.
I'm gonna pogo it. If I don't win the science fair with this
Anybody else bring a shovel? thing you built me,
Oh, thank god you're here. It's a It's rigged.
nightmare. Amen, sister.
The staff is in an uproar about these budget Oh, come on, you started without me?
cuts. No, we finished without you.
Telling them there's no more overtime was Yeah, we wanted it work.
bad, I guess you also wanted it to be really
but when I had to tell them there were no simplistic,
more bagels, Because right there, you can make it better
someone threw a cup at my head. If you just added --
I don't know what else to do. Okay.
Sales-wise we didn't exactly have So, right there,
the Christmas I was hoping for. You can make it better if you just added
What do people give each other, anyway? --
Well, just spitballing here -- Okay, I thought you said you were done!
Maybe we could fire Kenny from the Okay, Mitchell, I love you.
warehouse. But...?
No one's getting fired. No "But."
But he does a really hurtful impression of Yet we both know I'm the more
me. mechanically-inclined daddy.
come on, guys. Everybody gather round. I'm handy.
I don't like these budget cuts any more than If it makes you feel any better,
you do, I didn't do anything, either.
But I want you to know I'm in this with you. No, that doesn't make me feel better.
I've cut my expenses. You're supposed to be learning from this.
All the execs are flying coach. I learned a new swear word.
But I do want you to feel like you have a Uh, um, I got a splinter. It was worth it.
voice in this. Watch.
So, not only is my office door always open Is that it?
to you, I'm confused 'cause I'm not mechanically
I've actually had it removed. inclined.
That's a very powerful metaphor, boss. Hardy-har-har.
That's a very powerful metaphor, boss. No, I just need to make a little adjustment.
Kenny, thanks for keeping it light. Watch out!
So good. Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
Happy birthday! Are you okay?
What are you doing in here? That's not part of it.
You said that you were too busy I got here as quick as I could.
to get away from the office to celebrate. Please tell me this is good news.
So I brought the celebration to you. Please tell me that's oil.
Snap. Found a sewer line running straight through
- Is that caviar? - Yes! the property.
And something to wash it down. Also, a water main,
Oh, yay, champagne. And for some reason, giant pockets of

第 2 页 共 9 页

-【1423】-
 Modern.Family.S08E14
methane. There was one thing.
Talk to me, Pete. Sorry. This one's definitely vanilla.
I feel like I just did. I thought you said "Mocha."
How much is it gonna cost? Oops, I accidentally made my favorite
Money-wise, you're looking at drink.
mid-six-figures. Thanks for the tip.
When you say six, does that include the I've been working here for five years.
two-cent figures? Didn't get this far by being stupid.
No. I'm thinking about having a little party
Plus, time-wise, you're looking at maybe at my place tonight.
a year delay You down, A-dogg?
with permits and utilities, environmental If "down" means attending
-- and "A-dogg" means Alex, then yes.
Stop talking to me, Pete. I thought I'd quit the coffee shop when I
Oh, my God, why is Jay here? went back to school,
I called him, too. But I'm kind of loving it.
He'll shut this whole project down if he Plus, it taught me something important.
sees this. If you pretend to be who people want you
Put some plywood over the hole. to be,
Tony, do what you can to cover the methane you can have as many friends as you want.
smell. God, I would love another crack at high
Everybody else, just look busy. school.
How could this happen? Oh, God, here he comes.
I had a ladybug land on my shoulder today. Who?
What's the problem? This little guy in his 40s -- here every
Problem is I'm hungry. friday.
The solution -- we're walking distance to Always has a super-complicated drink
Little India. order.
- Shall we? - What's that smell? Oh, hey, Alex.
Shh, that's -- that's Pete. I'll have a 20-ounce iced skinny hazelnut
He's, uh, very sensitive about it. Don't macchiato,
bring it up. sugar-free syrup, double shot of espresso,
While I got you, Light ice -- not no ice -- no whip.
I was thinking about putting in a bike rack Thank you for meeting with me.
over here. I came as fast as I could.
- What the hell is that? - I didn't see I lied to my boyfriend.
anything. Everybody does it at the beginning of a
I'm sure if something was wrong, someone relationship.
would -- "Oh, I love jazz." "It's sexy when a man
Oh, they love quittin' time. cries."
Just like "The Flintstones." "Your daughter is so sweet."
I'm starting to develop a theory Me -- I told Rainer I love his favorite
that maybe all this is related to why Pete show,
called me. "Game of thrones",
Jay, I think that's just a little paranoid. So now he's taking me to comic-con.
Well, there... I don't love "Game of thrones".

第 3 页 共 9 页

-【1424】-
 Modern.Family.S08E14
I've never even seen "Game of thrones". of a massage in my office,
And for the record, his daughter is kind and now it's actually happening.
of a monster. Ah! Thank you.
This is a lot to cover in four hours. Which one of you lovelies is Claire?
Let's start with everything you know - She is! - Oh, great.
about George R.R. Martin's masterwork. Just give me the quick version, okay?
Well, I know this guy dies, there's lots - 90 minutes. You got it, hon. - Okay.
of boobs, My department is asking if there's still
and I want to say... a spaceship? gonna be coffee
This will go a lot faster if you don't talk. or if they have to start bringing it.
So, he's kind of related to me, but it's Who -- who's this?
a long story. Uh, he's interviewing for a job in the
Hey, it's okay. warehouse.
We all come from messed-up families. He's a, um, forklift operator.
My uncle's my dad. That's right. It's 2017.
Shift schedule is up. There are plenty of gay forklift drivers.
What the literal hell?! I'm not gay.
Double shift today and 6:00 A.M. tomorrow? It's cool, bro. I'm woke.
- That's not fair. - Management don't care. It's cool, bro. I'm woke.
Party tonight is off. That's funny!
Nothing is off. A-dogg is on it. You sound just like that guy over there.
"A-dogg"? Okay, it's back-to-work time. We got to
Let me have this. take a look at these.
So, you put a little bit of the cream on Yeah. See ya later.
top. We'll catch up.
And then... Okay, this is crazy.
Got it. I don't need an MRI.
Terrific birthday surprise. Sorry it's The doctor ordered when you told her you
over. could taste colors
It's just starting. in a french accent.
I have a lot of surprises coming. Oh -- all right.
Knockedy-knock-knock. Well, I don't even do a french accent.
Okay, what do I do? I didn't say it was a good one.
What did you do? Guys, we usually try to move the head
It's a massage! injuries along.
Let them in, young man. Yes. Okay.
It's Ben. We've met 30 times. Well, it's...
Oh, Gloria. It's just so small.
Friend. It's bigger than it looks.
Listen, while I appreciate the idea of a See, there's nothing wrong with my brain,
massage -- 'cause I have three funny comebacks to
You hate it. that.
You always hate my gifts. I don't even know Cam, come on, let's listen to, uh, Bobby.
why I try. He knows what he's talking about.
No, no, please, uh, let me finish. I don't think we can really trust
I've always appreciated the thought anything a grown man named Bobby says.

第 4 页 共 9 页

-【1425】-

Come on, honey, you got this.
Okay. Uh, Robert, hi.
Can I have -- question. So, listen.
I know this is a giant magnet,
and I have a lot of fillings.
Are they just gonna fly out of my head?
- That never happens. - Okay.
Um, I'm also on an iron supplement.
- Is that - An issue? No.
Let's just get you on that table, huh?
Come on.
No, okay, not happening.
I'm having flashbacks.
I don't know if I ever told you this,
But when I was kid, I fell into a well.
It happened the same day as baby Gessica,,
but she got all the press.
It still stings.
Everybody loves a baby,
but not one single prayer for a husky teen
who's stuck head-first in a well for the
better part of an hour.
Okay, Cam, come on.
You have got to calm down, all right?
It'll be over before you know it.
- In an hour. - I'm... I can't!
- I'm done, I'm out! - Okay, wait, wait,
Cam, Cam.
Okay, Bobby, is it okay if I get in there
to show Cam that it's all right?
Do we have time for that?
Sure, my 4:00 hemorrhaged.
Can you not -- okay.
All right, look at this, Cam.
Just be careful.
It's comfortable.
We've got you.
Okay, I'm good. Okay.
Actually, Cam, this is very peaceful.
It was a torture chamber.
I was in there one minute, and I cried.
I feel so rested. I do, I do, I really do.
Now you. It's all good.
There you go. All right.
And I will be right here beside you.
Uh, no one's allowed in here except the
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1426】-
Modern.Family.S08E14
patient.
I will be in the next room right beside you.
Okay, so put your headphones on.
They're gonna play you something to get
your mind off of it.
This is a panic button.
Just push it if you need to get out.
Oh, okay. Well, I think I can do this.
"This American Life," I'm Ira Glass.
Today's program -- "Puppy love."
We'll hear the story of a man
who met his soul mate through a lost
schnauzer,
a beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon,
who, for one week, was mayor.
And we start with act 1,
a search-and-rescue collie looking for his
owner,
who was buried alive for 18 days.
After drinking his own urine for a week,
Horace Laughton could no longer ignore the
terrible truth --
he was running out of oxygen."
H-help. Help!
Help! Get me out of here!
Hey! I will kill you!
Cam, come on, this is serious.
Oh, my god. I can't breathe.
I need air.
I need air!
I'm sorry. He is being such a baby, huh?
There's a camera in there. I watched you
cry.
And finally, employees should have a say
in the shift schedule.
It would allow us to plan our lives
accordingly
and would result in fewer missed days.
In summation, no caffeination without
representation.
So, am I fired?
Are you kidding me?
Those are 20-ounce ideas in a 16-ounce cup.
I have overlooked a rising star right under
my nose.
But that's the --

Yes, the assistant manager's apron.
I didn't come in here for that.
That's exactly why you're getting it.
But I -- I can't.
Oh, my God, this is so confusing.
So, the little guy from "Elf"...
Tyrion Lannister.
Whatever. I don't know actors' names.
Is he Jaime's brother or Cersei's brother?
Both -- Jaime and Cersei are brother and
sister.
But they were just doing it in the tower.
That is so twisted.
Go on.
Guys, the craziest thing just happened.
I went in there with a list of demands.
And weaseled your way to a promotion.
No, trust me -- n-nothing is going to
change.
But while I'm staring at it,
would one of you guys mind taking out this
trash at some point?
Heil, assistant manager.
No, no, no, no, no! This is good for all
of us.
Now we have someone on the inside -- me.
A-dogg.
More like Adolf.
I-I-I think you're really minimizing that
atrocity.
Now, let me do the talking.
Good. I don't feel like talking.
It's just you nurture a dream for 30 years,
only to see it go up in flames like Pete's
eyebrow.
I feel like a part of --
This is you not talking?
There he is. Go.
Oh, it's you.
Now, before you say anything,
- we're still not interested. - Okay.
But if we were interested,
it would take a hell of a lot more than what
you offered.
What about all the sewage?
You get used to it.
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1427】-
Modern.Family.S08E14
Gentlemen, when I made that offer,
we didn't know about any of the problems.
I'm afraid we're no longer interested.
Jared, I like you.
We're willing to go 5%.
Like I said, the offer's off the table.
You guys need a ride?
I have a car. Thank you.
Hope it's not that one over there.
My dog is in that car!
And as Hodor blocked the door to save his
friend Bran Stark,
Bran had a vision of a younger Hodor saying,
"Hold the door, hold the door.
Hold door."
And finally, "Hodor," the only word he
would say
for the rest of his life,
A life that was now ending.
He knew.
Hodor knew his whole life
that his destiny was to save his little
friend.
Just like you have saved me from
embarrassment at comic-con,
so thank you, Manny.
My pleasure. I should get going.
Oh, my God, me too. I have to change into
my Khaleesi costume.
I could probably stick around for a few more
minutes.
Maybe I'll move the party to Monday.
Oh! I'm free Monday.
Let's talk later.
No, please. I never meant to betray you.
Your friendship means more to me than this
stupid apron.
Stupid?
Oh, Scott.
There's a whole world of people
that would kill to wear this apron,
but this just isn't my path.
This extra responsibility has me feeling
alienated.
It's lonely one step down from the top.
You may not believe this,
 Modern.Family.S08E14
but it's even lonelier way up here. Cam, if there's a way that I could be in
Somewhere on my climb, I forgot my own dream there with you,
-- I would, but I --
to be the best damn speed-metal drummer in Wait a minute.
the Inland empire. Hey, you're doing great.
There's still time, Scott. Okay, I'm right there with you.
You're right. I quit. You're not alone.
What? Thank you.
You are the manager now. You're a good husband.
Hey, you two, party at my house. Come on! Oh, that's very sweet.
- Yeah. - Okay. Oh, and, Cam.
Oh, FYI, one of the toilets is overflowing. If the scan shows that you're fine, you can
Seriously, the roof? suck it,
I've been looking for you everywhere. because this mechanically-challenged
I just needed some space and some fresh air. daddy
It smells so purple. made this foot-rubbing machine all by
Okay, you're going in that tube. Come on. himself.
Seriously, that's as hard as you can pull? I did. I did this.
I am not the weak one here. It's good, right?
You're the one who won't even get a simple I see you unclenching.
medical test. I'm just concerned that other people are
What are you -- scared? gonna see me.
Huh? You're chicken? Keep still, please.
Yeah, and I thought I made that clear in I told you, she's in a meeting right now.
there Let -- let go of my tie.
when I peed a little. You're not getting any looser.
Fine, you just go ahead and die. Oh, I wonder why.
And I'll raise Lily by myself, Come on, get back to work.
And she will never step foot in another farm It's a little hard to focus with the smell
or circus. of truffles
I will haunt you. just wafting out of your girlfriend's
Or you could just get your head checked office.
so we don't lose you over some stupid fear. My girlfriend is your boss, okay?
Do you know what I went through in that well And she's not my girlfriend.
on October 14, 1987, I won't deny we have chemistry,
while the whole world was focused A certain will-they, won't-they kind of
on that media whore Gessica? vibe.
She was a baby, but yeah. Okay, guys, hi.
It was hell. If you could just give me 20 minutes
And I would not have survived to deal with a personal situation,
if those firemen wouldn't have figured out I promise I will come out and address all
a way of your concerns.
to lower my little aunt Edna into that well - What is going on in there? - Yeah.
and touch my feet and tell me it was gonna Well, um, it's a medical situation.
be okay Actually, and it's kind of embarrassing,
and that I wasn't alone. So I appreciate your support in this

第 7 页 共 9 页

-【1428】-

difficult time.
We got to wrap this up. How long do you need?
At least 15 minutes.
You got five.
Ma'am, this job is hard enough.
Uh, hey, so, small problem.
It can wait!
Every problem can wait.
So now go, mister.
Come on, I've been in your home.
All right, Ben. What is it?
Today's Margaret's birthday... Uh-huh.
...but it was too late to cancel the cake.
Everyone saw it get delivered.
It's fine. Let them eat cake.
What? Is she kidding?
That's not what I meant!
Claire, breathe.
No, no!
Gloria, we're done.
Don't scream at me. I just wanted to make
you happy.
And I'm just trying to make you happy
because you're so damn sensitive
about me not liking your birthday presents.
Come on, this is the last thing I needed
today.
Oh, my God. Look at her hands.
She's just been in here getting a manicure.
How do you sleep?
Get her!
Whoa, whoa, back it up, Josie.
Nobody's gonna get her.
I realize that the optics are a bit
troubling,
Especially today.
A day when you've been sipping champagne
while we've gone over an hour without
snacks.
Enough!
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
How long have I known you people?
Dom, Kenny, Josie,
- The two Herms. - Seriously?
You all go home at 5:00. This woman never
punches out.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1429】-
Modern.Family.S08E14
She goes home and never sleeps
because she's thinking how to make this
company better.
Can't you tell what a mess she has become?
How tense she is, her awkward tics,
The way she grinds her teeth to dust.
I think that she deserves some pampering.
So now get out of here!
Let's go. Come on.
Gloria.
I am sorry.
I just wanted to make it right this year.
Oh, you did. You really did.
Okay, good. So go back and sit down
Because hugging you is like hugging a coat
rack.
Okay.
Oh, that's good.
I'm sorry.
I dreamt too big.
It's not your fault.
I'm the one who believed in you.
You're also the one who overplayed his
hand.
We've already established mistakes were
made.
We need to be thinking about next steps.
Maybe we need to build something smaller,
Like a cool restaurant or something.
I've thought about that. Who's gonna come
down here?
There's nowhere to park.
Oh, my God, that's it -- a parking lot.
That's not bad.
We could build it for nothing
and pay off the majority of the loan by
tomorrow.
Let's talk about this somewhere else.
Maybe 15-year-old Phil had it right.
Sometimes you have to look at your dream
from a different angle.
I guess it was a parking lot all along.
Please tell me that's dinner.
- I'm starving. - No, that's daddy's alarm.
We can't let him nap for more than two hours
because of the concussion.
 Modern.Family.S08E14
Oh, look at him. He looks so peaceful.
He's had such a rough day.
When I tried to wake him up last time, he
got so upset.
I'll do it.
Who raised you?
Fine, just be gentle, okay?
Thanks.
Also, don't touch this.
It's my art project.
- Oh, can I help you with that? - No.
Daddy said he should because he's more
artistic than you.
Okay.
What?! What?! Why?!
So good you're alive

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1430】-

Modern.Family.S08E15
- Hey, Cam. - Louise, what are you doing
here?
You're not dropping out of the
league championship tonight, are you?
Louise is dropping out of the league
championship?
Did you shoot yourself in the leg again?
Oh, my God, we're one win away
from my first sports trophy,
and then this happens.
All I said was "Hey, Cam."
So, this year, I invited Mitchell
to join my gay bowling team -- the Britney
Spares.
I came up with the team name, I designed
the shirts.
- Yeah. - It's not important who gets the
credit.
When we first stated, my bowling was, um
-- well, it was iffy.
But then I practiced and I practiced
until the shoe-rental guy called me
"Decent."
I'm not here as a teammate.
- I'm here on official police business. -
What?
Please tell me that is not you.
What is that?
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Hmm. That's Fizbo...
- Mm-hmm. - ...with a scary mask.
- That's clearly not me. - It's not him.
No! Who would do that?
Who would take something so beautiful
and turn it into something so ugly?
How did the guy get the costume?
Oh, who knows?
Your father gave it to charity.
By accident.
How did I not hear that fight?
Was I in town?
All right, then, uh, case closed.
I'll see you guys tonight.
第 1 页 共 9 页
-【1431】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
What? No "Case closed."
We haven't even found the perp!
Look, the only reason I was following up
on this
is 'cause I thought it might be you.
Well, yeah, but we have to get my costume
back.
We have to restore Fizbo's good name.
Oh, but we're -- we're still gonna go
bowling, right?
You give away my beloved alter ego,
and you won't even allow me 30 seconds
to have an emotional reaction?
Yeah. No, it sounded fast as I was saying
it.
And now for the finishing touch.
Franks for Frank!
Dad's bachelor party's gonna be epic.
You couldn't see it. That's why -- boom!
Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.
Is this a bachelor party
or a party where ladies sit around watching
"The Bachelor"?
And why did you get me a triple-XL?,
The lady said it'd shrink in the wash.
- How's it gonna do in the trash? - Jay.
Kidding. I'll use it to wash my car.
My dad is marrying my old babysitter
Lorraine,
who has a son,
which means that I am finally getting a
brother!
When I was young, I wanted a brother so
much,
my folks got me bunk beds.
At night, I'd pretend he was up there and
talk to him,
and when he didn't answer back, I always
just figured,
"Well, Marty's in a mood again."
Excuse me. Do you serve crabs here?
We serve anyone.
Jokes only get old because they're good,
right?
Nailed it.
Phil, this is Ray.

Wow. I guess we're gonna be brothers.
Bring it in.
Oh! No. Oh! What's happening?
We're brothers! Isn't this what brothers
do?
I don't know, but I love it!
This guy totally tried to touch my
ding-dong.
I didn't know it was that kind of party.
I guess you didn't see the white wine and
fudge.
White wine? That's not gonna get me there.
Am I the only one who sees me
choking that guy out tonight?
I don't know.
I got a good feeling about Ray,
and I-I felt a lot of him.
He's just a little wound up from the drive.
I'm sure you'll find he's a real solid
citizen.
The sap across the hall left his door open.
That's my room!
Oh. So, I guess you'll need these.
Before we start, thanks for agreeing
to do this read through of my latest play,
"A withering farewell under a harvest
moon"...
So catch-
...Colon, "The tears of angels."
- So catchy! - Right?
It's a story of four women who come together
to mourn the loss of the family patriarch.
Oh, no. So sad, so very sad.
Pace yourself, crazy. We haven't even
started.
A man died, Claire.
A fake man,
and if he was a patriarch, he was a fake
old man,
And old men die.
Surely, this is a thought
that has occurred to you from time to time,
huh?
Please don't make me part of this.
Anyway, when it's over,
feel free to share your thoughts --
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1432】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
what you liked, what you loved,
but also the negatives --
What went over your head, any words you
didn't know.
I'm submitting my latest play to a young
playwrights festival,
but I want to hear it out loud first
to be sure I've hit all my emotional marks.
One might ask, "Why all female characters?"
Let's just say, write what you know.
Wait. To clarify, I understand women.
I don't feel like I am one.
110 pages?
What time are we supposed to get out of
here?
Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?
Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.
I actually am in a relationship,
but I've been hiding it from everybody
because I have once again chosen somebody
that is completely inappropriate.
It's this older guy -- Ben.
He works for my mother, and he lives with
his mother.
I'm like a moth to a flame
if the flame is an underachieving man-child
with a tasmanian devil tattoo on his butt.
Sorry, this is going to take longer than
I expected.
Can you wait there?
Sure.
My mom's got her poker girls over, anyway.
This one lady, Karen, she gets real handsy
with me.
She's not un-hot, either.
She's like an older, curvy Emily Blunt but
Indian.,
Don't try to make me jealous, Ben.
One of my regulars at the coffee shop
is always asking if I want to do some
motorboating.
If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.
Now, okay, I don't want to get ahead of
myself,
but does the trophy have each of our names,
or is it just the team name,

'cause I kind want one of my own, but --
You know what? No, never mind. I'll just
get it engraved.
Okay, how can you be thinking
about bowling at a time like this?
You mean as we're going in to our bowling
championship?
Oh. Text message.
Read text message.
You have a message from Martin.
"I keep picturing you guys holding the
trophy later tonight.
Just kidding.
You're not invited to my victory party.
Ha ha."
Hello, Martin.
Hello, Cameron. Hello, Mitchell.
Where's the rest of Britney Queers?
It's the Britney Spares, Martin.
The Britney Queers were eliminated weeks
ago.
Yes, by us.
Eventually, all will fall
to the Gay City Bowlers.
I forget. Do all the names have to be puns?
Yes. It's like hair salons.
Unpleasant as always, Martin.
I'll see you in the alley.
I'm sure you say that to a lot of men.
Mitchell! Fizbo!
- What? - Over there!
Cam-Cam, do you think it's possible
with how upset you are about Fizbo
that-that maybe you're seeing things?
Oh. No.
Maybe it's another guy with purple hair and
a size 23 shoe.
Maybe Dennis Rodman bowls here!,
And we begin.
Lights up on the living room of James
Pickett.
The furnishings and art tell us he was a
wealthy man,
but his money couldn't buy taste.
Enter four women in black
returning from a funeral.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1433】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
First, James' widow Chloe
Dubois-Pickett...
That's me!
...A beautiful french commoner who married
up.
Ooh, la la.
Next is Bailey, the granddaughter --
cute as a button and just as smart.
I like her.
Following her is James' sister,
Professor Alma Diller, 60s.
There's no problem she can't solve
except her own loneliness.
Finally, James' daughter Kate --
attractive, intense, sharp-tongued,
fleeting moments of warmth.
Fleeting moments of warmth?
I get it.
This is the story of the four of us
through some sort of distorted Manny lens.
Yeah, just because I'm smart, I end up a
spinster?
You know what I could be doing right now
if I didn't get seasick?
Okay, calm down.
These characters are a compilation
of many other women I've known, not you
people.
Okay, let's start.
Kate enters and crosses straight to the
credenza,
as she pours herself a much-needed glass
of wine...
Mm. Right.
To be honest, I can't believe
the old grump didn't die years ago.
Nice.
My first line is something horrible about
my dead dad.
How cold do you think I am?
Didn't I just say it's not you?
Isn't it, though?
What?
Old people die, get over it?
That was, like, 20 minutes ago.
Okay, now, hang on a second.

Okay, this seems like a whole thing,
so I'm just gonna go grab a water real
quick.
Oh, come on.
Who are you texting?
Ahh! No one.
- I'm just reading my horoscope. - Liar.
Why would anyone read their horoscope so
late in the day?
Everything's already happened.
There's a dude, isn't there?
What? No.
Sneaking off with your phone,
the clean hair,
your one bra that fits properly -- spill.
Okay, fine.
There is a dude.
Oh, god, it's not another high-school boy,
is it?
No. He's legal.
He's just embarrassing in a different way.
You know you've been like this your whole
life --
ashamed of the romantic, sexual part of
you.
Honestly, it seems like you think you don't
deserve it,
but you do.
And if this guy is fun and good to you
and doesn't ride a scooter, let it be okay.
Haley.
Thanks.
Ladies, I don't know
what emotional thing is playing out right
now,
but how about you save it for over there?
And then I sent you the cutest video
of a puppy nursing on a mama lion,
and what do you text back?
She's getting him fat
so that he tastes better at lunch?
Yeah, so what? My crime is I'm hilarious?
Can we get back to this, please?
Kate just said she couldn't believe
her father didn't die sooner, then --
The widow Dubois slumps in a chair,
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1434】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
emotional.
Ohh, ma cherie,
your papa would be devastated to hear you
say
such insensitive things.
Really?
Are you gonna do the whole accent thing?
Lo and behold -- what do we see?
The queen of spades is gone! Where could
she be?
In Frank's pocket. I saw you put it there.
So it is!
Great trick, Phil.
And nice assist, Ray.
I thought this was supposed to be a bachelor
party.
Where's the female entertainment?
Oh, don't you worry about that.
Mr.Sandman - The Chordettes,* Mr. Sandman,
bring me a dream *
* Make him the cutest that I've ever seen
*
* Give him two lips like roses and clover
*
* Then tell him that his lonesome nights...
*
What are you doing?!
Calling time of death.
Oh, not you ladies.
You're still very vital, of course.
Hey, we really appreciate
all the riveting you did during the war.
Dad was enjoying them.
Just as well.
I'm about to be married.
I don't need to be tempted by all those bum,
bum, bums.
Oh, is that it for the planned activities?
No, we're just getting started.
For the next hour, it's a $5 buy-in game
of Uno,
then downstairs to Captain Scupper's,
the best oysters in the desert.
And finally, put on your neckties,
gentlemen,
'cause I have four balcony seats to Mr.

Neil...
Please say "Diamond."
...Sedaka.
What a night!
Oh, we need some ice.
I'll be right back.
What the hell's Uno?
Sort of a thinking man's Crazy Eights.
Instead of playing cards up here,
there is a casino downstairs with actual
big-boy drinks.
I'm right behind him.
We'll grab Phil on the way.
Or wouldn't it be fun for him to try and
find us?
Oh, he'll love that!
Hey, Louise, I just saw that psycho
imposter clown
out by the dumpster giving me threatening
looks.
- Look, Flouncy... - It's Fizbo.
I'm talking to you.
I don't have time for your clown nonsense.
We've got a championship to win.
I'm gonna go warm up with the pindigo girls.
Why does this have to be happening today?
Mitchell, maybe it's happening because
it's today.
Maybe somebody is trying to get in my head
to throw me off my game.
Oh, honey, do you really think people care
enough to --
Hey, you know what, there are six people
just in my eyesight
that would do anything to break my winning
streak.
For instance, Martin.
He's never forgiven me
for making him feel like your father was
in love with him.
Okay, it couldn't have been Martin.
We saw him, like, three seconds
before you thought that you saw Fiz--
- Actually saw. - Okay.
And what's this about my dad?
Fine. It's not Martin.
Modern.Family.S08E15
But it certainly could be Senor Kaplan.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.
Hola, Senor Kaplan.
If you're here to talk trash, I'm not
interested.
Where were you 20 minutes ago,
and can anybody account for your
whereabouts?
Not that it's any of your business,
but I happened to be in the photo booth
taking some solos.
I'm gonna use number three for my new
passport.
I would use number two. There's a twinkle
in your eye.
But I have a different theory
as to where you were 20 minutes ago,
and it would have given you exactly enough
time
to change out of a clown costume into your
bowling outf--
- What's wrong? Wha... - No. No, no.
I just saw -- I just saw Fi-- Fizbo
in -- in -- in the mirror.
I don't know what's going on with you,
Tucker,
but in my culture, we like to call it loco
en la cabeza.
Okay, you know what? Knock it off. You're
Canadian.
"You all seem to forget I'm not alone. I
have Albert.
You can search the world,
and I defy you to find a more devoted,
loving...
Parrot."
"I used to like talking to Albert,
but then we got into a fight over a
cracker."
"Kate whispers to Bailey as they watch the
widow
sadly plunking notes on the piano."
"How long do we have to stay with her?
We can leave now, right?"
"I knew when your papa died,
I would never see you again."

第 5 页 共 9 页

-【1435】-

"No matter what I do,
you refuse to accept that I accepted you."
"Mais non.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so emotional today."
"But of course you are, Chloe.
And I'm sorry if I made you feel like an
outsider."
"I love you, you know? Je t'aime."
"I love you, too."
Black out.
Bravo! Bravo!
Really, Manny?
My character gets into a fight with a parrot
over a cracker?
I told you that story in confidence.
And for the record...
I am nothing like my character.
I'm not lonely at all.
I have tons of options.
I'm actually going to see one right now.
And thanks to Haley,
I'm no longer ashamed of talking about him.
Ooh! Who is it?
- No one. - What's his name?
Nothing.
Well, if that's it for the feedback...
- No, actually... - Oh. Yay.
For me, the ending felt a little trite.
There's a lot of good stuff in there,
but the whole "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I love you, I love you" -- I just --
I think women are more complicated than
that.
Don't listen to her, Manny.
The ending was beautiful.
It's just that some women have a hard time
expressing their feelings.
Oh, this again?
Gloria, I'm a very feeling person.
Oh, really?
From the woman that writes in my birthday
cards
"Best, Claire."
How is that not warm?
I am wishing you quite literally the best.
第 6 页 共 9 页
-【1436】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
I am a person in your family.
I am not the woman that does your eyebrows.
Why would I send her a birthday card?
The question is why can't you write "Love,
Claire"?
I write "Love, Gloria."
I even dot the "I" with a huge heart.
I tell you that I love you, and you say "Me,
too."
Why? Why can't you tell me that you love
me?
I don't know why I can't tell you that I
--
There was a time when I wanted to,
and then the moment passed and time went
by
and then it just felt forced.
You -- you say it all the time.
One could argue that dilutes it.
Oh, so now it's my fault?
I am lashing out at you
because this is not the first time
I've been accused of this.
I am sorry I haven't said it before, Gloria.
I love you.
I love you.
Okay.
My God, you're right. It is trite.
- You got this, Sam! - Come on.
Come on!
You on the other hand -- you throw one more
gutter ball,
And I will literally frame you for murder.
No pressure.
I wonder what that's about.
You two seem awfully chummy.
Well, if by "chummy," you mean,
"In the throes of an electric sexual
relationship,"
then, yes, you bet your bowling balls we're
chummy.
Oh, my gosh.
I just put it all together.
You're both Fizbo.
When I'm with one of you,
The other's wearing the costume, creating

the perfect alibi.
Light-bulb moment!
This clown thing again.
Look, Tucker, if I wanted to get back at
you
for, oh, I don't know, say something like
setting me up with your straight
father-in-law,
I certainly wouldn't do it
- by stealing your stupid bozo suit. - It's
Fizbo.
Way to take the high road, sweetie.
First, I'd hack your e-mails,
then I'd create several fake social-media
accounts,
which I would use to mount the
multi-pronged smear campaign
to drive a wedge between you and everything
you love.
That's maybe a bit of a red flag.
And then I'd get several credit cards in
your name
and then embark on a massive identity-theft
scheme
that would leave you bankrupt
and, with any luck at all, facing criminal
charges.
That's what I'd do.
Okay. She's a bit of a handful, huh?
You know, I was thinking, maybe we should
take a beat
on meeting your parents this weekend.
What do you say? All right.
What?
Bravo! Bravo.
If you think your little over-the-top
revenge monologue
is gonna throw me off your scent,
then you are sorely mistaken.
Now open your bag.
What?
All of you, open your bags!
You don't have... Cam, you got to stop.
Open them!
You're paranoid. You are paranoid.
No one is dressing up...
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1437】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
Oh, damn it, I hate it when you're right.
What -- Oh! There he is!
Chase him! Get him!
Stop! Imposter!
Close your door, ma'am! We're in pursuit!
- Okay, okay, okay. - Thank you!
Okay.
We lost him.
Wait. His mask.
It smells like beer and cheese fires.
- Oh, Mitchell, that's good investigative
work. - Yes.
You've narrowed it down
to everyone in the bowling alley.
Uno.
There you are.
We've been looking all over for you.
Did you check in here, in the room where
the party is?
Don't worry. We didn't forget about you.
I hope it was worth it.
We missed our reservation to Captain
Scupper's.
Don't worry, Phil. We ate.
Pit boss sent some shrimp cocktails
over to our craps table.
Along with some regular cocktails, am I
right?
Yeah!
You -- you had to be there.
I get it. You had shrimp and drinks.
Now, if it's not too much trouble,
maybe we could get back on schedule.
We don't want to miss Sedaka's opening act
--
Extremely little richard.,
Good golly, is he small!
Change of plans -- I traded those tickets
for seats to "Sexcalibur."
- You what? - It's a dirty "Medieval times."
Are you kidding me?
It's okay, Phil.
I waited 79 years to see Neil Sedaka.
I can wait another 79.
No, dad. You're being too nice.
This is your bachelor party, not yours!

You're ruining this whole night.
You ruined it when you planed it.
And get that finger out of my face.
Nobody hijacks my dad's party,
and nobody tells me where to put my finger.
Here we go.
I wanted a brother when I was 10,
not a 10-year-old brother!
You're the baby!
You're older, but you're the baby.
You're no Marty!
It's not much of a fight, but maybe we
should --
I know. I thought it was gonna get good.
All right, that's enough. Stop.
Phil, you're being ridiculous.
Ray, I don't know you, but you seem like
a horse's ass.
All right, now! Grow up!
Start acting like gentlemen.
Uh, would you two mind
stepping out in the hall for a second?
I need to have a word with Phil.
All right, but hurry up.
We don't want to miss the unlacing of the
first wench.
You know, I really appreciate
all you've done arranging my party,
But, you know, I'm happy doing whatever.
Is something else bothering you?
I don't know.
So much is changing, dad.
I guess I'm kind of afraid that this is the
end of an era.
Now I have to share you with Lorraine, with
that.
You're not losing me.
As a matter of fact, you're gonna be seeing
a lot more of me.
Lorraine and I have been kind of kicking
around the idea
of moving to California.
To be closer to me?
Yes.
And to be farther from Ray.
Hey, Louise, we just saw evil Fizbo again.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1438】-
Modern.Family.S08E15
It's true. I was there.
We lost him in the parking lot.
Yeah, we looked in every car.
Geez, Louise, there has to be something you
can do.
Fine. First thing tomorrow, I'll look into
it
if you can focus on bowling.
- I can. - There you are.
I've been looking all over for you. It's
your turn.
Sorry. I was in the ladies room.
I was putting icyhot on my hammies.
D-did you do something to your hand?
I just hurt it playing air hockey.
They got rid of the air hockey table months
ago.
Uh -- nothing. I mean, I was --
Wait -- w-wait -- wait a minute.
You go missing,
Then you mysteriously hurt your hand, and
t--
Okay, okay -- there is lipstick in this
mask,
and it is -- it is the same shade as the
lipstick on your beer.
You're Fizbo?
You wear lipstick?
But you're on our team.
Why would you do this?
Because you bug me.
That's it?
You picked the team name, you designed the
shirts,
You take all the credit.
Everything's about you.
You messed with his head so he'd lose us
the team championship.
Yeah, opening the door for -- for you to
be captain.
I should be captain.
Give me my Fizbo.
You get out of my face.
Wait, wait, no. Hold on. Hold on.
Is there still a chance that we could win
this?
 Modern.Family.S08E15
Not unless we can pick up 57 pins in one
frame.
Yeah. And you get out of his face.
- Hello, fruit of your father's loins.
"Mitchell"'s fine.
You know, speaking of jay --
You brought him up.
Well, your father and I had a moment...
Uh-huh. ...A couple of years ago
so that he could bowl in our league.
I know he said it was all an act,
but what I felt from him --
it was just so very real.
Okay, Martin, I hate to break this to you,
but my dad is potentially
the straightest man on the planet.
Yeah, but notwithstanding,
do you think maybe you could give me his
phone number?
It's just always felt like unfinished
business to me.
I am not giving you his phone number.
I'll give you my trophy.
It's 310...

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1439】-

Modern.Family.S08E16
Are you sure we need that much ice, buddy?
All NBA players use cold water immersion
therapy.,
Let's do it.
You're right. It's not that b--
One year ago today, I had the chance to be
a hero.
It was the annual high school charity
basketball game --
parents versus teachers.
We were raising money for Mrs. Martin in
the attendance office
who lost her house in a mudslide.
One minute it was present, the next it was
absent.
Down 2, a second left, I was fouled.
The game was in my hands.
I crumbled under the pressure.
I've waited a year for my shot at redemption
and left nothing to chance.
Harder!
I have worked out like a madman --
passing and dribbling drills, agility
training...
...and I top it all off with 100 free throws
every day...
...no matter how tired I am.
It had been a year of painful training, but
I was ready.
I spilled juice on the rug. Please don't
tell Mama.
Don't tell Mama?
What about "Don't tell Papa?"
A boy is supposed to fear his father.
I shook in my boots around my old man,
just like he did around his.
To this day, I hear the crack of a Schlitz
or smell some Singleton's Beard Tonic,
and I'm sweating like a mob rat in Little
Italy.
Ow! Oh, tripped!
Enough!
How many times have I told you to pick up
your toys?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1440】-
Modern.Family.S08E16
You're funny!
Enough! Pick up the toys!
Gloria! What a surprise!
There's a mom at Manny's school
that I've had some problems with.
She's your typical blonde airhead Barbie
doll doctor.
Hola, Donna.
Did you wander in by mistake?
You know they don't sell shoes here.
Oh, no, I see you buy a lot of hot dogs.
It's so sad when someone just gives up.
I'm selling these at the high school
charity basketball game.
Poor Mrs. Martin.
This year we're raising money to get her
a new kidney
So, can we count on you?
For the kidney?
To write a check, like you always do.
Yes.
Money is almost as good as actually doing
something.
$40 at the estate sale? Can you believe
that?
Like, there's no way you'd even notice.
Dad, hi.
Turn on channel 12.
It's an expose on cheap lumber
that's got some chemical in it that's
making people sick,
and Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets
bought a bunch of it.
Oh, look -- There's Earl's daughter, Shirl.
We caught with the local man
who reported flu-like symptoms
after contact with the tainted wood.
I just wanted to give my wife
a closet as beautiful as she is.
Didn't we buy some of --
Can you believe Earl's dum-dum daughter
bought wood from those bozos?
Of course, when you two were growing up,
she was always the slow one.
You remember when she thought that balloon
was her friend?

Balloon-da Carlisle.
Right. Well, back to it, Dad.
See you later.
I knew that deal was too good to be true.
And now I'm gonna look as stupid as a girl
who pet two different class rabbits to
death.
A spot of tea, sir?
Only if it's the fancy kind.
Oh, my God.
How good have our accents gotten?
- It's insane. - Yeah.
When Haley was 4, she and I had our first
tea party,
and since then, we've made it a tradition
to meet for high tea once a year.
It's a time I've really come to cherish.
I don't love the whole tea thing.
Mitchell and Haley always come back
giggling
over shared secrets, and I feel left out.
I once tried to start my own uncle-niece
tradition, but...
I'm not questioning the methodology
behind accelerated mass spectrometry.
I'm merely pointing out that it's not
singular
in its power to separate a rare isotope
from an abundant neighboring mass.
What's going on with you and that handsome
weatherman?
Things are great, mostly.
Yeah.
Oh. "mostly"?
Well, what's-what's going on?
I mean, do you think it's okay for your
partner
to ask you to do... anything?
Mm, no. Not anything anything.
I mean, we all have our boundaries.
I mean, there are still things I wouldn't
ask Cam to do.
Okay. So, um, Rainer and I
were in bed the other night, and...
And?
He asked me to do something
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1441】-
Modern.Family.S08E16
I'm not totally comfortable with.
What'd he ask you to do?
No-No judgments. Just whenever you're
ready.
So, he was lying on his side,
and he said that that was part of it,
and then he asked me to c-
Haley!
What'd he ask you to do?
Quick, write it down on this napkin.
Rainer, what are you doing here?
You left your earbuds in my car.
I know you like to use them to ignore
people.
Do you want to join us?
- You don't mind, do you, Uncle Mitch? -
No!
It feels weird to be back here.
This gym got the better of me once.
Dad, you're psyching yourself out.
You're right.
The only thing different between this year
and last
is I'm prepared this year.
And DeAndre Jordan and Charles Barkley are
here.
Is this where we get our hand stamped?
Sometimes I like to leave and come back to
things.
Uh, why-why are you here?
Our agent's wife is a math teacher at the
school.
Let's go get our seats.
We don't want anybody to block us.
Yeah, yeah. I-I get that.
So, I'm playing in front of two NBA stars?
Plus, once people know they're here,
the crowd will be like five times the size
it was last year.
Well, we still live in a world with a fire
marshal.
Wait.
They're probably just here to show their
faces
and make a quick exit...
Dad, don't let them faze you.
 Modern.Family.S08E16
This is what you've trained for. He just posted that.
You're ready. What, are you circling the restaurant?
You're right. Hey, Rainer Shine.
I just need to shake the jitters off a You sat next to him at Thanksgiving.
little bit. Right! Manny! Sit down. Join us.
I got you, Larry. Actually, Cam, could I talk to you for a
Spot up. second?
No! Okay, before Rainer walked in,
Gloria? Is that you? Haley was about to tell me something
My brain's having a hard time processing upsetting
you in this context. he asked her to do in the bedroom.
Yeah, I came to sell my nachos to raise Now, I didn't get much, but he asked her
money. to c--
How nice. To what?
Although, some people are saying it's too He asked her to c--
little too late, Are you kidding me?
that you can't just show up and get credit Okay, no one else come near us. Thank you.
for it. That's all she got out -- "C--." And then
I think it's mean, Rainer walked in.
but some people are saying it seems Well, we have to find out.
disingenuous. As her uncles, we need all the information
I just got here. we can
When did you talk to all these people? so we can advise her properly.
I think you'll find this crowd Yeah. She's dating an older man.
no lika da nachos. If she's uncomfortable, it's our duty to
I'm sorry if that sounds racist. protect her.
No, it didn't. Okay. So we said all that.
I don't even know what language you were What could "C--" be?
trying to make fun of. -Carrot? -Mnh-mnh.
Okay, since you're not leaving, you can set Cupping?
up down there. You don't think it could be a Canadian long
No. jump, do you?
It's very dark, and it's very far away! What part would a woman play in that?
Good luck! That's the last of the paper trail.
Looks like that picture I Instagrammed of Great.
the three of us Okay, and so the red pins on this map mark
is a big hit with Rainer Nation. all the locations of closets
And is it safe to post your location like that were made with the toxic wood.
that? Okay, and we have recalled
Aren't you worried about stalkers? 9 out of 10 of the contaminated closets,
Oh, no, it's fine. so we only have to track down one more.
Most of my followers And since you didn't ask, the green pins
are just overly excited, love-starved old are all the addresses of potential fathers
ladies. of mine.
Oh, I see your exclusive tea party opened Oh, hey. How're you doing?
up. Did I hear somebody using my shredder

第 3 页 共 8 页

-【1442】-

without signing it out?
No.
Confetti!!
Hey! The kid doesn't fear me as he should,
so I brought him in here
to show him my scary boss side.
-Play along. -Okay.
Ben, how dumb do you think I am?
You found out?
Of course I found out. I know everything.
It was her idea!
-Ben! -No, he's doing great.
You're in big trouble, mister.
Jay, I'm so sorry. We were just trying to
s--
Enough!
Come on, Joe!
Enough!
Could you have rolled over any faster?
My dad didn't know anything.
That was just a big act for his kid.
Yeah, I know. I was playing along to --
Save it, okay?
Somewhere, one of these green pins is very
disappointed.
Nachos. Come get some nachos.
No one even knew that I was back there.
You know it's loud when you can't hear my
voice!
My goodness.
At this rate, I'll break my own sales
record.
Hola. Do you guys want to try some nachos?
That sounds pretty good.
Ugh, you are so transparent, Glenn.
Come, come, come.
We're expanding to chips.
Cam, you're staring.
No, I'm not. So are you.
Ohh, I should take this. It might be
drizzle-related.
So, Haley, we are here to help you tell us
what "C--" is.
You told him?
You can confide in us. We're middle-aged
gay men.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1443】-
Modern.Family.S08E16
Whatever it is, we have heard of it.
Fine.
The other night, Rainer asked me
if I would be into
candling.
You know what that is, right?
- Yes! - Yes!
It's when you do the...
and then -- and then you --
and then you do the -- the boop, boop.
Candling is where you light a hollow candle
and insert it...
into one of the ear canals...
to remove ear wax.
Ah -- oh, God.
The thing is, I don't know if I want to be
that intimate with Rainer.
Am I really ready to see gunk coming out
of his ear?
I mean, like, what if he stops being sexy?
Well, it is intimacy like that
that separates casual dating from
something more serious.
But what about what you said earlier,
how even committed relationships like
yours have boundaries?
Excuse me, what boundaries?
Hey, my phone died. Can I borrow one of
yours?
You told her we have boundaries?
You told them I asked you to candle me?
Okay, I feel like this tea's getting away
from us.
Nachos! Get your nachos here!
Get!
Get!
Goaltending! Ref, do your job!
I'm a pharmacist.
Oh, sorry.
Phil.
You seem a little tight, man.
Hey, DeAndre Jordan.
Uh, no, no, no, just working out the
jim-jams.
First half's about getting a read.
Yeah, right.

I didn't realize that fans were coaching.
And you're helping the parents.
Teachers are the backbone of our country.
Get out of here.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world.
I'm so sick of you acting like you know
everything.
Going to therapy did nothing for you.
First of all, stop transferring.,
Secondly, how about I coach that team,
you coach this team?
10 Dolphin Dollars you and Phil are going
down.
10? You can't even get a Foam Flipper with
that.
Let's make it 50.
D.J., please.
How bout 50 real ones?
Okay. Make it five grand.
That's the jump?
Go win this for me.
Okay.
We're on the same team!
Foul! Somebody fouled me!
Stop flopping!
Phil, come on, man. Focus!
We just bet our Olympic gold medals.
Why? No one's making you do this!
I hate that I made you uncomfortable.
I-I just wanted us to be real with each
other.
I want that, too.
I think I'm ready. I will candle you.
Oh, look at that --
two virtual strangers breaking down walls
when I didn't even know we had any.
When I told Haley we had boundaries,
I just meant that there are certain things
I'd rather not ask you to do.
Like what?
We should be open and honest
about whatever our wants and needs are.
As long as we're being real,
there's something you need to know.
There is absolutely nothing I --
Shh! I want to hear this.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1444】-
Modern.Family.S08E16
Give me your hands.
Okay, deep breath. Come on, Haley.
I draw in my eyebrows.
This is the real me.
Did he leave? Is he still here?
I'm still here, and you're still beautiful.
Stop running from me.
Fine.
I have a confession of my own.
Two seconds.
I've never told anyone this.
I use tape to pull my neck back.
I knew it!
Wow. So brave.
I feel so naked right now.
Me, too.
They look exactly the same, right?
No, what they look is happy
because they are brave enough
- to be vulnerable with each other. - Cam
--
It's just ironic that you won't ask me
to do whatever it is
because you're worried I'll judge you,
but I'm judging you now for not trusting
me,
and that hurts.
You're right, of course.
This is only bringing us closer together.
Uh-huh! Who'd you say normally does this?
Uh, this place near my old office.
Lily in a pinch.
Okay, well, I think that's it.
Oh, no, you have to go over it one more time.
Okay, we're not painting a bridge.
Okay, I've checked twice.
There's no invoice for this last closet.
Well, there has to be,
and we've got to find it before my dad does.
Is there any chance you accidentally
shredded it?
Don't worry. If I did, it's an easy restore.
I was regional jigsaw champion in the
under-60 category.
That weird sneeze.
You sound like the guy who was sick on the
 Modern.Family.S08E16
news. I'm gonna bring him in here, have him check
No, that guy was falling apart. out this fish.
You can't be infected. -That's a good idea. -Getting back to this
It's not like you've spent any time around wood.
that wood. Dad, the wood is fine. It's --
I mean, you don't hang out in the warehouse. Oh, my --
- I've seen how much those guys pants you. Turns out, the wood doesn't just make
- Oh, my God. people sick.
My mom has a new boyfriend, It also kills fish.
and she doesn't want him to know she has Well, I couldn't let Dad know I bought
kids, murder wood,
so when he comes over, I sleep in the so I sent Ben to get a replacement fish
conference room. from the tank in the lobby.
Which is where the sample closet is, So, those seem right to you? Hmm?
which is why there's no record of it! They're strudy enough.
Oh, God! Smooth pivot.
I don't like to talk about it a lot, Even glide.
but I have a certain expertise in timber. I was already suspicious of that wood, but
Even blindfolded, then it kills fish?
I can tell a Galapagos teak from a Maltese Claire obviously bought some of that
cherry. tainted lumber,
Came in handy for a cop friend of mine. and then she tries hide it?
Helped him round up the Cedar Boys., She must think I'm denser than a Ponderosa
Dad? Hey! maple.
What are you doing in here, huh? That's a nice, easy ride.
I'm checking out this new wood. Yeah.
It's not new wood. Hey, kiddo, why's your hand wet?
The hell's the matter with him? It's not. It's sweaty.
He's got allergies. Yeah. I went to the gym this morning.
Allergies. Allergies. Fridays I do legs and hands.
Oh, Dad, have you -- have you seen Claire, here's the water you asked for.
this new fish tank we just got? Thank you!
Check it. My tooth just fell out.
Where did you say we got this wood? You know, I got a little something stuck
Please, stop obsessing about the wood. in my throat.
- Hungry little sucker, huh? - Oh, yeah. Give me a slug of that water.
You sure that's okay for him to eat? Oh, no, you don't want this lobby water.
Yeah, it's fine. I just need a sip.
Those fish are celebrated for their It's from the fountain,
hardiness. and the warehouse guys put their mouth all
Yeah, hardy. over it.
Yeah, they're very popular amongst rappers Just give it to me.
'cause they do equally well in Jacuzzis and I can't.
champagne. Oh, my God, you actually did it.
Where's Joe? Can you feel that thing swimming around in
- He's with Margaret. - Oh, okay. your belly?

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1445】-

You knew there was a fish in there?
I saw you toss the other one out.
You're so afraid of getting caught screwing
up,
you'd swallow an animal?
This sort of seems like a family thing,
and my vision is tunneling, so...
All right, well, we recalled all the bad
wood,
but that doesn't mean that we didn't screw
up.
So, go ahead, let me have it.
Tear my head off.
Tell me how I've disappointed you yet
again.
And what is happening?
All day long I've been trying to get Joe
to fear me.
Maybe that's not the best thing for kids.
Hi.
Well, I made six Dolphin Dollars
plus 20 real ones from some weirdo
who wanted me to ladle cheese straight into
his mouth.
All right, papi, thank you so much,
but I still need help attracting customers
over there.
Oh, I can see if Phil has that thing in his
car
that flails around like this.
Claire?
No, his Tube Dude.
Can I help you with anything?
I'm just going to buy a snack with my last
five Dolphin Dollars.
I don't want to throw them away.
That's how they get you.
The nachos are amazing.
But do not get anything
from the stand that is over there --
The hot dog lady?
She just said the same thing about you.
You two remind me of me and DeAndre Jordan.
We have a rivalry, and I don't know why.
Maybe in life we resent people who hold up
a mirror
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1446】-
Modern.Family.S08E16
and force us to look at the worst in
ourselves.
I see what you're saying, Charles Barkley.
And that's what we call an assist.
Hand stamp.
Donna, we have to stop this fighting.
A wise man once told me that we resent
mirrors
that show us what we don't want to see.
That's ridiculous.
I love mirrors.
But the point is that I was mad
because you made me see who I really am,
and I was shocked to see what I have become.
Stop talking.
You're sounding human, and I don't like
that.
I am soft, privileged lady, and I thought
that bothered me.
Until today, I realized that it doesn't.
I don't want to do this.
I love my pretty, pretty life.
The only thing that makes me feel bad
is that I don't really feel bad about it.
Thank you so much for opening up to me.
I almost started to feel something for you,
but then when you said you don't feel
guilty,
my rage returned tenfold.
And I need that rage. It gets me up in the
morning.
Well, if it helps you, I eat everything I
want,
and I work out like once a year.
You're horrible.
Oh, thank you.
All right, guys -- tie game, three seconds
left.
There's only one thing that they're not
gonna be expecting.
We're gonna get the ball to Phil.
What?
They're not even guarding you.
I'm so sure of this play, I just bet Barkley
my car.
Is it a Honda?
 Modern.Family.S08E16
No, it's a Phantom with my head as the hood It's gonna haunt him never knowing
ornament. if he would have made that shot.
All right, let's win this thing Game's on the line.
-Phil, honey, hi! -Hey. Everybody's watching.
I'm sorry we're late, This one's for all the marbles, folks.
but at least we're here for the end of the Son of a bitch made it.
game. You know, I'm glad we're doing this again.
I could really use a win on the day I drank Yeah, I think we just put too much pressure
a fish. on it the first time.
Drank like a fish. You know, humans aren't the only ones
Wow, a bunch of NBA players are tweeting who respond badly to pressure.
about this bet Did I ever tell you about the day without
between Charles Barkley and DeAndre eggs?
Jordan. It was at the start of the Omelet Days
And they're live-streaming it, Festival.
so like 60,000 people are watching. Up with the sun, I grab my basket,
Since when do people care about basketball? into the henhouse I go -- 34 hens, nary an
Calm down, Phil. You can do this, pal. egg.
You choose now to believe in me for the I know, I know.
first time? My grandpa said it was the worst case of
All right, Phil. You got this, man. avian anxiety
Two shots! he's seen since Pearl Harbor.
I can't go, Coach. That's when they had to take the radio out
Ow! My ankle. of the coop.
Well, well, well...
League rules dictate, if a player can't
attempt
a free throw because of injury,
opposing team gets to pick the shooter.
Right, but you're not a know-it-all.
Don't give this anger power.
I pick you. Don't choke.
You got this, Phil. You got this, Phil.
Phil Dunphy to the free-throw line.
Tie score.
This is for all the marbles, folks.
Come on!
What happened?
It's gonna take an hour to get the power
back up,
so they called the game.
I just feel so bad for Phil.
You know him as this happy-go-lucky guy,
but he has been beating himself up over this
for a year.
And he was so close!

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1447】-
 Modern.Family.S08E17
I recently started exercising in the
Modern.Family.S08E17 garage,
Hey, buddy. and on the first day, I, uh --
Nothing! I dropped a couple of pounds.
Sorry. Habit. I knew Mitchell was lying.
I'm not actually doing anything wrong. I was just giving him the opportunity to
Just checking to see if I got into A.S.U. come clean.
Without us?! I had discovered the urn was empty.
Guys, get in here! Lily?
It's happening! You know, I was thinking tonight
Phil saw videos online maybe we could bury the ashes in the back
of families celebrating the moment their yard
kid got into college. after we get back from your dad's.
For pure drama, you can't beat that thing It's a perfect night to pay tribute.
when an entire family's nervous - W-Why? ‭ - The Pig Moon.
anticipation I'm sorry? One more time.
turns into an explosion of utter joy. The Pig Moon.
- Come on! - Come on, N-Y... Every 18 years, the moon takes on a pink
Notre... hue,
...Damn. and it aligns with Orion.
All righty, here we go. Oh. ‭ It's a huge deal back home.
And record and... There's a festival,
"Welcome to Arizona State"... they empty out all the jails as a sign of
- It's happening! - ‭ Oh, my God! goodwill.
"Welcome to Arizona State's admissions So, we're having, like, a ceremony tonight?
portal. Yes, sweetie.
"We regret to inform you"... But don't we have grandpa's?
Aww, pal... Well, you know what?
Well, don't leave us in suspense. We're always looking for a credible reason
What did they say? to leave early.
Hey, I just peeked in on Lily, So, what are we supposed to say?
and guess who she was curled up with on her "No -- no dessert for us. We got to get home.
bed? We got to bury the 25-year-old ashes
If it's not the cat, I'm gonna be really of a Brunswick King sow."
upset about Wow. Nice attitude.
how you're teasing this out. It's almost like you want Pig Moon John
I love that she has a pet that she's close to fill your hunting boot with coal.
to This is so slow!
like I was with my pet pig Lily. If you're on the Pritchett's Closets
Still no guilt, I see, after tricking me website,
into we're aware of the slowdown.
naming our daughter after bacon. It's either a hack by the Chinese
I was very close to that pig. or that Chinese hack I hired to fix the
For heaven's sakes, website.
I still have her ashes in the garage. No, I'm trying to get tickets,
True. for tonight's Gloria Estefan concert.

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【1448】-

That's a little on the nose.
Mom, it happened again!
Jay, sit down here and pay attention.
Ugh! You have to move fast when it's your
turn,
or they'll move to the next person.
Joe, this is exactly why we're not giving
you a knife
until you turn 6 years old.
I missed the days
when people stood in actual lines.
If you weren't willing to stand in the rain,
you didn't get to see Gary Puckett & the
Union Gap.,
Ow! Damn it!
What? It was one second!
Okay, give it back to me.
No need. I got 'em.
Oh, really? And you paid?
Yeah, you got your browser
filling out your credit card info.
It's not super secure,
but, whoever steals them
will probably spend less than you.
Oh, what a B-U-tiful morning.
I joke because I've been accepted to B.U.
Oh, Manny, I'm so proud of you!
I'm six for six.
So many suitors -- not sure which to choose
from.
I feel like Lady Mary
in the last season of "Downton Abbey."
I'd avoid the big football schools.
And tonight we're going to celebrate.
We're going to a concert.
I got the tickets online.
Easier than buying them at the venue, I
guess.
What is the venue, uh, by the way?
You can't buy them at the door.
It's a private concert.
It's just for the fan club.
I remember our first
Gloria Estefan concert.
You were so little,
sitting on my shoulders, holding the
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1449】-
Modern.Family.S08E17
lighter.
I'm gonna leave.
Yes, before I know it.
No, right now.
I obviously need something to wear tonight.
Oh, okay. I'll go with you.
What a great idea. Go! Make a day of it.
No, wait, wait, wait --
I can't go to the mall wearing my house
heels.
What a good excuse to buy a nice pair of
new ones.
That's why I love you.
Always remember that.
Thank you so much, Mrs. Pasternak.
I'm sure you're wondering why I want these
ashes.
Not really,
but I'm gonna need the urn back.
I'm gonna turn it into a lamp.
- Hello, Mitchell. - Oh, God!
Is everything okay?
You're looking a little ashen.
I'm fine. I-I-I accidentally spilled pig
Lily's ashes,
and I-I thought that I would --
You would just replace them with Morris
Pasternak's?
How'd you know?
His class ring is by your foot.
Oh, yeah. ‭ That pig was my best friend.
Didn't you eat her mother?
You know, you have no respect for anything
that's important to me.
My whole upbringing is just a big joke to
you.
Dad, I was thinking about the Pig Moon
funeral tonight
and how important Lily was to you.
Aww, that is so sweet.
You definitely inherited her compassion.
Remember that finger painting that I made
of her,
the one that you said that was museum
quality?
Can we bury it with her?

I know exactly where it is.
I know exactly where it was.
It's an e-mail for Luke from my alma mater.
- Let's get him! - ‭ Oh, no, no!
No, what if it's more bad news?
Maybe you should read it first.
Claire, I am as anxious as you are
to find out if he's gonna be a Bulldog like
his old man,
but we can't violate his trust.
Sure, we could mark it as unread to cover
our tracks,
but we'd know --
He didn't get in.
What?! He's a legacy!
Bulldog drool courses through his jowls!
I know, and it's his seventh rejection.
He's gonna be so disappointed.
And embarrassed. We have that dinner at
Jay's tonight.
I bet Manny got in everywhere.
Oh, God.
Is this it?
I mean, is Luke not going to college?
It's not over.
Delete.
What are you doing?
I'm driving up there to tell them they made
a mistake.
They'd be lucky to have a kid like Luke.
Well, I guess it -- it can't hurt.
I mean, it's not like they can super reject
him.
Although, Michigan did use that exact term.
You're on Caliente 96.3 with Diego and The
Donkey.
Hello! Yes!
I'm calling about the Gloria Estefan
tickets.
And they're all yours if you can complete
this lyric --
"Turn the blank around."
One of her biggest hits from the '90s.
We've been playing it all morning.
- "Turn the car around." - Nope. Two more
guesses.
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1450】-
Modern.Family.S08E17
"Turn the boat around."
Try again.
"Turn the economy around"!
You're an ass.
Damn it!
I just got super accepted to Michigan.
He's the second Delgado to go to college.
My cousin went to the best medical school
in Colombia.
They would not just accept any cadaver.
Okay, Mom, let's go.
Oh, yeah, but wait.
You remember when your head was this tiny?
Okay. Mom, Mom, I think I'm set for hats.
I know when a female's about to burst into
tears.
I've seen it enough times.
I had to keep my mom away
from anything that reminded her I was
moving away
and keep myself away from Williams Sonoma.
I could lose an afternoon.
A pet store. These are fun.
I think he misses his mommy.
He'll forget about her by the time we get
to the car.
On second thought, let's catch a movie.
They always help keep your mind off of
things.
Wait, Officer -- No!
My car is only here because I was being
responsible!
I was babysitting my uncle Joe
and got too drunk to drive home!
What is this thing?!
The Barnacle.
They stick it on your car when you have
unpaid parking tickets.
I couldn't let my parents see it,
because I knew they'd just overreact
and lecture me about being irresponsible,
and I couldn't pay to remove it
because I just maxed out my credit card
on these insanely expensive pair of
sunglasses.
I don't love 'em.

I just had to re-create Lily's painting of
Pig Lily,
and she'd be none the wiser.
Oh, it's like painting with sausages.
Sorry, Cam, no pig painting by Lily here.
I do have some random scribbles
that Luke made when he was...
Huh, that's a little later than I'd hoped.
Fine. Not a word of this to Mitchell.
I'm sure you're curious why.
Wrong again.
Hi. You're the first one here.
Don't worry. We don't have to make
conversation.
Ooh! A scrapbook!
Aww, look at this.
All of our old school projects --
paintings by me and Claire.
Aww! You're just a big softie, aren't 'cha?
My lawyer's secretary put that together
for my image at the divorce trial.
There's the old bear. Grr!
Oh, this is from my 8th birthday.
I made Mom throw a party with a whole farm
theme.
You know what? I need this.
Cam thinks I look down on his farm life.
- This'll prove to him that... - Bup, bup,
bup.
This comes with a price.
You can get me Gloria Estefan tickets,
right?
Dad, that is offensive.
Not every gay person is connected to Gloria
Estefan.
But you are, right?
It's complicated.
Cam briefly dated a member
of Gloria Estefan's band, The Miami Sound
Machine.
He doesn't talk about it much.
Just whenever someone mentions her or
Miami.
Or humidity.
Well...
when I get the tickets, you get the picture.
第 4 页 共 9 页
-【1451】-
Modern.Family.S08E17
Mean!
Um, how would you feel about asking Cam to
use his connections
to get two Gloria Estefan tickets for
tonight
and then secretly giving them to me?
I'll do it,
but I need you to help me with my car first.
I'd ask my parents, but --
They wouldn't understand. It's not your
fault.
Yeah. Okay. Let's go.
Are we sure this is the best way to do this?
All we have to do is make sure that my
parents don't see it
by moving it down the street.
- Okay? Hold on. - I'm your eyes.
Hug the curb.
Haley, just -- all right. Straighten out.
T-Turn on your hazards.
- That's the windshield wiper! - You're on
my leg! Move!
Oh, God! There's a tree.
All right.
Let's just breathe, let's take a moment...
Can you just get off my leg, please?
I'm not -- I'm s-- I'm not --
- Are we going backwards? - You put us in
reverse.
Okay, hit the brake.
That is the gas!
How do you have a license?!
I can't move! You're on my leg!
Okay. Good first try.
Can't believe you didn't treat yourself to
a Bulldog Blast.
Isn't that basically just sugar, ice,
and the stuff they you use to cover the Blue
Man Group?
We're here to see the Dean of Admissions.
We called. We're the Dunphys.
Ah. I'll tell Dean Hinden you're here.
Um, eh -- Hinden?
Yes. Dean Rudolf Hinden.
I have a bad feeling.
Well, honey, you did just have two of those

antifreezes.
No.
Rudy Hinden -- We were classmates.
Super annoying -- always "on."
We cheered together, we -- we tumbled
together,
we rolled around together,
but we were never close.
When I say "Bull," you say "Dog"!
- Bull! - ‭ Dog!
- Bull! - ‭ Dog!
‭ Hey, Rudy!
This is my wife Claire.
- Hi. - ‭ Pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Well, please come on in.
- Oh! Great trampoline. - ‭ Thanks.
I like to bounce at least 20 minutes a day.
- It's where I get my best ideas. - ‭ Okay.
How quirky.
Oh, hey, Phil,
where were Nationals senior year?
Cleveland, Oh-- Hi-o!
Can you imagine putting up with this
- for years on end? - It's hard.
Tell you what, I'll give it some bounce time
and hit you back with an answer.
Listen, you seem busy.
I'll get straight to it.
Our son Luke applied and didn't get in,
and I think it's worth reconsidering.
He's a great kid. He's just a late bloomer.
Okay. I think we can make something happen
for your boy.
Really?
Yeah, we've let in way worse applicants
than him.
- Rudy! - Wha--
- Thank you! You're the B-E-S-T best! -
‭ Yeah.
No problemo.
I'll just, uh...
Hey.
While you're here,
I've always wanted to ask you something.
You remember that magic trick you used to
第 5 页 共 9 页
-【1452】-
Modern.Family.S08E17
do
where you got out of a straitjacket
blindfolded?
Barnum's Humbug.
Yeah. That one.
How'd you do it?
Magic. I-I feel like --
No, no, no, really --
I've been trying to figure it out for years.
Um, I'm sorry.
It's -- It's not customary
for a magician to reveal his secrets.
It's also not "customary" for a Dean of
Admissions
to alter an applicant's status, so...
I'll go get the straitjacket from the
nurse.
You're gonna do it, right?
I don't know.
Let me bounce on it.
Phil.
Sweetheart?
Phil. Honey, Phil, you can't possibly
be struggling with this decision.
Do you know what happens to magicians
who reveal their secrets, Claire?
They're shunned.
Doesn't that happen already?
Listen, I possess knowledge
passed down from the ancient Egyptian
conjurers
to the prestidigitators of the Dark Ages
to the amateur illusionists of today.
I am worried about another trick.
I am trying to make our son disappear
to a barely accredited four-year college.
- There he is. - Okay, here we are.
Why don't you go ahead and put these on.
No, no, no. In here.
I want to make sure I get this.
I want to see everything.
‭ Okay.
Okay, I got it.
I didn't quite grasp what I was asking Phil
to do,
but, um...
 Modern.Family.S08E17
it got weird. yes.
Okay. Just as soon as you and your tiny little
All right. Whenever you're ready. hands
Wait, th-this isn't going on the Internet, re-create a painting for me.
is it? This way.
No, it's just for me. What do you think?
The challenge with this escape I was going for dark and mysterious,
is, uh, releasing the shackles in the but I'm afraid I circled right back
correct order to cute and approachable.
baring yourself gradually. Oh, she's so lucky.
- Okay, more upbeat. Do the patter. - What? He's always gonna be her little boy.
I want to hear the old patter. Mom, you're projecting on these
Blindfold him. mannequins.
- Take it. - ‭ Yes...sir. For all we know, he's a little person,
Phil. and that's his wife who's evolved enough
Honey, you don't have to do this. to see how big he is on the inside.
Luke can join the army. Manny, I know what you've been
It's okay. trying to do the whole day.
I may be locked up, but my mind is free. I am not about to have a breakdown
Okay. because you're going to college.
Imagine yourself in a museum I was awake last night when you were
filled with the world's oddities. brushing my hair.
No, no, no, no. Slow down. Okay, yes, it's going to be hard
Enjoy it. because you're gonna be far away,
And turn around so I'm not gonna get to see you all the time.
so I can get a good look at the back. But we'll still talk on the phone.
Let me see the back. Yeah, at the beginning,
Behold the freak but then you're gonna get busy,
for all to see. and then I am going to get busy.
Go get my tickets. Too busy to take my calls?
Is my hair a mess? I have made peace with it.
It's so humid out. Your childhood days are over.
You want to talk about humidity? Guillermo, come back here!
I once spent a steamy weekend What are you doing?
with a certain member of the Miami Sound Don't run away from your mother.
Machine. Life is going to tear you apart soon enough.
‭ That's crazy! I want to go on the merry-go-round.
- Do you know that they're in town tonight? Oh, you're on it.
- What? You've got 10 years left with that woman.
Can you get me two tickets? Cherish them. Cherish her.
Oh, my God. Thanks?
These hands -- I think maybe I'm freaking out about going
they're so small and delicate like a child. to school.
I know. I see that.
This watch came from an American Girl doll. But we're gonna be okay.
- Are you gonna hook me up or what? - ‭ Yes, Being apart is just gonna make nights like

第 6 页 共 9 页

-【1453】-

tonight,
going to a concert, even more special.
- No! ‭ - Guillermo!
I don't want to!
Okay, now it's just bad parenting.
This is excellent work.
- Excellent work. - ‭ Really?
I'm not used to hearing that.
I get why people try now.
Is that my painting?
Why is it here?
Um, oh, well, because it was on loan
to your grandma and grandpa
just like they do with real art.
Better than most of the stuff in this house.
Now get me those Gloria Esteban tickets.
It's Estefan.
That's what I said. I'm a huge fan.
Okay.
Carlos, Carlos.
Hey -- hey, Carlos.
Um, this, uh, Cameron Tucker.
I don't know if you remember me or not.
Oh, you -- you do.
Okay, hi.
Yeah, wondering if I could get a couple
tickets
for the show tonight.
Gloria Estefan.
Because you're in the Miami Sound Machine,
silly.
What?
It was loud in the bar the night I met
Carlos,
and it turns out he is not a member
of the legendary band, the Miami Sound
Machine.
He owns a mobile dog grooming business
called Miami's Hound Machine.
In retrospect, I didn't need to be as
alarmed
with his collection of leashes and collars.
Okay, everybody, gather round.
Luke has one more college to hear from,
and I got a good feeling about this one.
Yeah.
第 7 页 共 9 页
-【1454】-
Modern.Family.S08E17
Mom, can we not do this here?
Oh, come on, have a little faith.
Okay, cannon's ready. And record.
Record, got it.
Any time, buddy.
All right, everyone,
get ready to tell me how I'm my own kind
of smart
and how everyone takes their own path.
You're a different kind of smart, and
everyone...
Kind of smart. Everybody takes their own
path.
I got in?
What?! He got in!
He got in!
You got in! ‭ What is wrong with this thing?
Wait, this doesn't make any sense.
I got rejected by worse schools than this.
Why would they want me?
Why wouldn't they want you?
Honey, it's not all about grades.
I mean, you were involved in -- in...
Did you talk to them?
I'm sorry, what?
Show me your tongue.
I don't know what that would prove.
This kind of seems like an embarrassing
family moment.
I know, I'm on it.
‭ Blue!
You can't go to that campus
without getting a Bulldog Blast.
We went up there to tell them they made a
mistake.
They didn't make a mistake,
and neither did the other schools.
I'm not going.
Honey, it's your last chance.
Then I'll wait until next year.
- If I go, I want to deserve it. - I can
respect that.
Nobody asked for your opinion, thank you.
You're going.
You have no idea what your father went
through

to get you this opportunity.
He debased himself in ways you can't
imagine.
You said it wasn't that bad.
What are you watching?
Our neighbor sent me a video.
It's of Haley and Mitchell.
Oh. No, that's -- okay, we don't need to...
It's taking forever.
I'm pushing as hard as I can.
You have one of those things on your
windshield?
How many parking tickets do you have?
I think we're focused on the wrong thing
here.
Luke's not going to college.
Why is your finger pink?
This isn't mine.
I knew the perspective was off.
It's Cam's fault.
He made me copy it from a photo.
You know what? I accidentally destroyed the
original,
and I couldn't live without it.
Mitchell Pritchett, Parenting Magazine.
How is forging a child's painting any less
egregious
than replacing a pig's ashes with Mrs.
Pasternak's dead husband?
It's not.
I'm a hypocrite. My whole life is a lie.
Carlos isn't really in the Miami Sound
Machine.
He's just a -- a basic dog groomer.
Save your money. I couldn't get you your
tickets.
You're spending money on tickets
when you should be spending money on ticket
--
you know what I mean.
The concert tickets were for Mitchell.
- So you didn't get my tickets? - ‭ No.
- So you didn't get my tickets. - The
website was insane.
You'd need the reflexes of a mongoose.
You lied to me.
第 8 页 共 9 页
-【1455】-
Modern.Family.S08E17
Well, look around! Everybody's lying.
Forging paintings, driving blind,
swapping ashes.
I didn't want to ruin the Pig Moon.
There is no Pig Moon.
How backwards do you think Grasshopper,
Missouri is?
Guys, guys. I've got this.
Guys.
I talked to Judge Tager.
He'll make your parking tickets disappear
in return for a couple of Cubans.
You took three.
The other one is for the security guard at
the club.
He moonlights where Estefan's playing
tonight.
He'll meet you by the stage door.
Thank you for fixing Jay's lies.
We all struggle with the truth.
like last Thursday when I stalled Jay at
the club
so you could get Joe out of the doggy door.
She locked us out, and the stove was on.
- And you two. - You know a guy at a club
that can help us?
No. Just talk more.
90% of your problems would be solved
if you just discussed things.
The Vanderkoff is a knock-off.
I burnt a hole in the knock-off,
and I had replaced it with a real one.
Okay, everything's settled here.
I think the steaks are ready. Let's go eat.
Well, I guess our son
isn't going to college this year.
I know, and I know we're supposed to be
worried about him.
But do you see what he just did,
how he solved everybody's problems like
that?
It's pretty incredible, right?
That's a Dunphy man, Claire --
resourceful, cool,
and just the right amount of savoir faire.
I'll, uh -- I'll see you in the kitchen.
 Modern.Family.S08E17
So this is a real Vanderkoff.
Yeah, yeah. Feels good to finally be free
of that secret.
Yeah, it's just... great to have everything
out in the open.
Yeah.
That expensive painting you bought me over
there,
I moved it to cover up a hope I made in the
wall.
I only paid 25 cents for that painting at
a garage sale.
I used the rest of the money on shoes
I get electrolysis. My beard grows up to
here.
I don't really know how to line dance,
and that's why those cowboys laught at you
when you did what I taught you.
- That's not Larry - That's not Larry.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1456】-
 Modern.Family.S08E18
processing information right now.
Modern.Family.S08E18 We took sleeping pills.
Hey -- I just caught a glimpse of our pilot, Just make your way over to gate 32.
and he looks exactly like Sully., - Okay. - Okay.
I-I think it is Sully. I can- wow.
I think that's a woman. Wait, why do these say "Dallas"?
- No, it's a -- ‭ - Yeah. - I have no idea. ‭ - Ma'am?
Oh, I know what you're doing, Sorry, there's been a horrible mistake.
you're testing the limits of my feminism. We don't want to go to Dallas.
I will have you know that Okay.
I am perfectly fine putting my life in the Listen carefully -- you're connecting in
hands Dallas
of a female pilot. to Turks and Caicos.
Hi, folks. This is your captain. You need to be at gate 32 in four minutes,
Oh, thank God. do you understand?
Our flight time to Turks and Caicos Yes. I'm not an idiot.
is six hours, 24 minutes. Okay, we have to be at gate 4 in 32 minutes.
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff. No, gate 32, write it down.
All right. Okay.
‭ Time to take that special flying medicine Why is she so angry?
Ronaldo gave us. Isn't it obvious? She's totally into me.
Yes, what does "Cuidado" mean? - She gave me a marker. - Mmm! Makes sense.
I think it means "Sleep tight"?, - All right. ‭ - Okay.
- I don't know. - ‭ Oh, well, cheers! - I'm just gonna follow you. - Okay. ‭ Yeah.
Cuidado.‭ Wrong!
Okay. I knew it. Instinct.
What happened? - Okay, yes. ‭ - Wait, no, my bag.
Did we land? - My bag's gone. - ‭ Okay, okay.
Oh, man, that stuff is good. It has my passport in it.
Bad news, folks, Wait, that guy -- he has my bag.
we have some mechanical issues. Excuse me, sir.
We need to head back to the gate. Nice try stealing my bag.
Okay, any time you head back to the gate, I see you've already painted it.
that means your flight's not taking off. Cam, it-it's back on your shoulder!
All right, gather your things. Oh, my God. You are good.
We're gonna need to scramble to find Cam, listen to me, listen to me, listen to
another one. me.
Okay, Mr. Pritchett, there is a connecting If we're gonna have any chance of getting
flight to Dallas
through Dallas that leaves in five minutes. and then surviving there, we are going to
You can catch it if you hurry. need hats.
I don't want to go to Dallas. Hats.
We're going to Turks and Caicos. Hats.
Dallas is just where you make your Excuse me, sir, sir, sir, sir,
connection. are you the proprietor of this
I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time haberdashery?

第 1 页 共 9 页

-【1457】-

Can you point me in the direction
of your finest sports caps?
What team?,
Gay -- I'm not sure why that's relevant.
Oh. Okay.
I'll just --
Yeah, I have a question for you.
When you're outside the workplace, do you
wear hats?
Or does that just kind of make you feel
like you're always in the office?
Oh, you know what, I think I am going to
get these.
No, Mitchell, we can't --
Oh, look, little girls' hats.
Ooh. We should get one for Linda.
- Who? - ‭ Um, our daughter?
- No, it's Lily. - Oh, I love that name.
Mitchell, why do you have 32 written on your
arm?
I have no idea.
Maybe it's some sort of code, or maybe it's
my age.
Do I look 32 to you?
Tell me the truth. No, you know what --
don't.
Well, if we wrote it down, it must be
something important.
Hey, we should write down other stuff
that seems important so we don't forget.
Yeah, okay.
Um, well, hats.
- Hats, obviously. - Obviously.
Okay. Ah, what else?
- I feel like there was a -- - A number.
- there was -- 32. - 32.
Attention, please.
Passengers Mitchell Pritchett and Cameron
Tucker...
- You're hearing that, right? - Yeah.
...please report to gate 32 immediately.
Are we in trouble?
- I don't know. - He sounds mad.
He does. Hey.
No, no, no.
No, no, no. Cam, don't.
第 2 页 共 9 页
-【1458】-
Modern.Family.S08E18
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare.
No, I -- they just look so soft and
inviting.
I-I don't think I can go on.
Tell Linda I love her.
No, you're gonna tell Linda yourself, okay?
I cannot go to Dallas without you.
The portions there are so big.
I'm just so tired. I'm so very tired.
I just need to close my eyes.
Oh! ‭ Knock it off!
Ow! ‭ You're gonna suck it up.
You're gonna pull your act together.
And you're coming with me to gate 3232.
That can't be right.
We're just never gonna make it.
Oh, my God. You're right.
We're gonna die in this airport.
This is the final boarding call
for flight 224 to Dallas at gate 32.
Wait, there's still time. Sir, stop!
Stop!
Is there a way that you can take us
- to gate 32? ‭ - 32, yeah.
- I guess. ‭ - Okay, wow.
Thank you so much. You are a life saver.
Please hurry. Okay.
We're here.
- Thank you. - ‭ Oh, thank you.
- Thank you so much. - Thank you so much.
Mitch and Cam.
Hi! ‭ Hi! ‭ Hi, we're Mitch and Cam!
I'm Mitch, he's Cam.
Mr. Tucker, Mr. Pritchett --
you made it just in time.
Okay. Oh, my gosh.
Thank you.
Lucy, her name is Lucy.
We're coming home, Lucy!
Hey, everyone, we are firing up the
hologram
to the Starship Enterprise in five minutes.
Be there or be square.
I don't think he had to "or" that one.
You know, honey, now that we're here,

I'm not sure it's such a great idea to barge
in on Alex.
Claire, I'm worried.
She's not returning texts.
Her friend says she never goes out.
This is the first act of every Lifetime
movie,
about college girl meltdowns.
Yeah, but maybe we should give her a little
head's up.
That's what Alicia Silverstone's mom,
Judith Light,,
thought in "From Straight A's to a Straight
Jacket."
‭ Trust me, this is the best way to make
sure
she's not spending her nights holed up and
depressed.
Alex? Honey, it's Mom and Dad.
Oh, well, maybe this is a good sign.
Maybe she's already out with friends, just
like a normal --
What are you guys doing here?
Thought we'd pop by, say hi, maybe take you
out for a bite.
Unless you've already got fun group dinner
plans?
My burrito's ready.
You're drinking?
Wine helps me sleep sometimes.
You know, I really wish you guys had called.
I'm so busy with school stuff right now,
and this place is a mess.
Aww, there you are.
You got a cat?
- It's not mine. - You stole a cat?
Just like Neve Campbell in "From Yale to
Jail.",
Oh, God. Honey, are you sure you're okay?
It's Saturday night.
You're drinking wine in your bathrobe
with a come-from-nowhere cat.
What's wrong with that?
Take away the cat, and I'm basically you.
‭ Honey,
I know what it's like to be an outsider in
第 3 页 共 9 页
-【1459】-
Modern.Family.S08E18
college.
The cool kids and I used to try to make them
feel better
by leaving banana bread outside their door.
We'd knock and then run off and hide behind
a bush
and watch them just to see the expression
on their faces --
Phil.
Your dad and I are just concerned
'cause you've been so distant lately.
I told you I've been busy.
Nobody's saying you don't lead a full life.
You study, you make burritos.
Maybe -- maybe you're just a little lonely
or depressed.
I'm fine, mom.
'Cause we could always get you back into
therapy.
- Yes. - Or have you move home with us.
God, stop.
Why do you guys always just assume I'm some
depressed loser?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I've
been so distant
because I've been busy with my own life?
Maybe I'm doing great.
Maybe I'm spending time with someone
special.
That's right.
Ben, what are you doing?
I told you to stay in there.
I'm sorry -- I thought you were, like,
building to a big reveal.
I wasn't.
You and Ben and -- Honey, isn't he 50?
He's 26.
It runs in my family.
I'm gonna look like this until the day I
die.
So, this is why you haven't been coming
home?
You've been dating your mom's assistant?
I'm actually a marketing manager.
You know what? This might go better for
everyone

if you throw a towel on.
Okay, yeah. That makes sense.
Claire, co-- um, could you not fire me?
Ugh, how long have you two been sneaking
around?
A couple of months.
We took a break when I went to San Diego.
- What? We did? - ‭ Just...
Is this okay?
Um, yeah, yeah, we put it in for her.
- It's a feline burrito. - Wait a minute.
I knew I recognized that thing.
You should know -- he brings that cat to
work
and apparently on dates.
He thought it was time to bring together
the two most special ladies in his life.
Well, I cannot go to work every day
and wonder why he's got that stupid smile
on his face.
Why are you making this all about you?
‭ This is the first adult relationship I've
had in... ever.
But it's with Ben.
‭ It's okay. It's okay. She didn't mean
that.
Claire, can I talk to you for a second?
Oh, you can agree with me in front of
everyone.
Actually, I think you're overreacting a
little.
- What? - We came here thinking
our daughter was in some sort of a
depression,
and it turns out she's dating someone.
And he's actually pretty sweet and
harmless.
Are you, Ben? Are you harmless?
Please don't, don't.
He kissed me.
- You kissed my mom?! - You kissed my wife?!
Dude, I thought I had to or I would lose
my job, okay?
- That's not... - ‭ That's for real.
We were working late. It was just the two
of us.
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She reached over to grab a spring roll, I
guess,
but she got right in my face, and she
whispered,
"Mmm, Mama's hungry."
I have to say, Claire, this one might be
on you.
Like I would abuse my position to take
advantage of you
and not Tony from the warehouse?
- Who's Tony from the warehouse? - Just...
The kiss was an honest mistake.
Maybe, but it was still a little off,
like most things are with Ben.
Maybe I like a little off. And that's not
all he is.
He's an amazing person who somehow gets me.
He's thoughtful and smart,
and I feel like i can be myself around him.
And his nose does this little wiggly thing
when he sleeps.
You watch me sleep?
Dude, I watch you sleep.
I'm really glad that this is finally out
and I can tell people how I feel about you.
I really like you, Ben.
Like, a lot.
And I have never loved anyone as much as
you.
- Don't make this weird. - Oh, yeah.
She's not sad and lonely.
- No, it's so much worse. - Look at her,
Claire.
Have you ever seen her look so happy?
Crap.
- That's my hand, Ben. - Oh, sorry.
‭ My bad.
Speed it up, Manny.
The movie starts in five minutes.
Sorry, but I'm not going over 20 miles an
hour
with this cappuccino machine not strapped
in.
Once I perfect my foam art skills,
my freshmen dorm will be the place to be.
I think we can put off that talk about using

protection.
Mm, look, there's a spot right there.
Looks tight, but I'll give it a try.
You're too close to the curb.
You're gonna hit it.
‭ What'd I tell you?
It's okay, Papi, you can do it.
Go around.
Oh, really? Well, here's a bouquet of them!
Okay, let's try this again.
Ugh, okay. Ah! Get out, I'll do it.
Surprise, surprise.
What was that?
Nothing, I was just saying that I am
surprised
that you want to take over like you usually
do.
- But I am not. - What are you cagey for?
What did I do?
Okay, this spot's not happening.
Well, I didn't want to say anything,
but the other night, when we were at Jeff
and Sally's,
I was in the middle of telling a story,
you just took over and told the ending,
and that was very rude.
Okay, this one looks good -- It's huge.
That's what's bothering you?
I jumped in to save you!
You were flailing.
You were drowning in a sea of unnecessary
details.
‭ Ah! How?!
That's the way I like to tell a story.
I like to paint a picture.
A story should be short and simple.
Don't tell me anything I don't need to know.
I am taking you on a journey.
I am not teaching you how to build a
bookcase.
Seriously? You saw me waiting.
You couldn't tell me you weren't leaving?
You brought your own shopping bags,
but you left your manners at home.
I'm just saying your story would be easier
to follow
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if you didn't take so many side trips
and you thought about the build a little
bit.
You're with me on this, aren't you, Manny?
I like Mom's stories.
See?
I'm just gonna pull in here.
12 bucks? No wonder the middle class is so
angry.
There's no way you would be able to follow
her story.
Yes, he would have.
Fine. Tell it again.
A couple of weeks ago, I go to the grocery
store --
the one on Washington
that has the tiny little wine bar to the
right.
So, I come in, I'm looking for paper towels.
And I think, "Mmm, I'm gonna treat myself
with some wine and some cheese." 'Cause why
not?
So, I order my drink, and when I look up,
I thought I saw Sandra Bullock.,
Stop. Right there,
you just said you thought you saw Sandra
Bullock.
I already know the ending. It wasn't her.
End of story.
Yeah, but you don't even know who it really
was.
But I know it's not Sandra Bullock,
so I'm not invested.
You know, I really loved her in that movie
"Gravity."
Who cares? She wasn't there.
Oh, please be leaving.
May I finish my story?
So, I start following Sandra Bullock...
Not Sandra Bullock.
...around the grocery store.
She goes first to the frozen section,
then she goes to the detergent aisle.
I'm thinking to myself this whole time,
"I am gonna go and introduce myself,
but it has to be at the right time."

So I keep following her.
Eventually, she leaves the store.
She goes outside, which was actually really
hot
to be January, because, remember, last year
--
We know the month, we know the weather,
we know it's not Sandra Bullock.
Are you leaving?
I want your spot.
Oh, please.
Don't flatter yourself, lady.
Manny, are you listening?
No, sorry. I wasn't paying attention.
Because you're not holding his attention.
And this is what I've been talking about
--
too many useless details.
Get on with it.
So, she turns around, she takes her
sunglasses off,
which was really weird,
because it was the exact same pair
that I bought last year that I lost on that
plane ride --
Nobody cares about your sunglasses.
Just get to the end.
I don't want to now.
The woman turns to your mother and says,
"Oh, my God. Are you Salma Hayek?",
Here we go.
I'm just trying to help you.
Put on blinker, check mirrors,
watch jerk steal your spot,
regret quitting karate in 4th grade.
You know what, Jay, this is not about
who tells the best story.
This is about you jumping in that night
like you just wanted me to stop talking
because
I was embarrassing you or something.
You made me feel stupid.
You think it's nothing, but you hurt my
feelings.
Gloria, that's the last thing I meant to
happen.
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-【1462】-
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You're just saying that. You don't really
understand.
No, I'm sorry.
Hell, I'm the last guy who wants to make
somebody
feel like they sound stupid.
Did I ever tell you about the little boy
from my neighborhood who stuttered?
He was real self-conscious about it.
What kid wouldn't be?
At school, when the teacher would ask him
a question,
he tried so hard to get the words out,
but it just wouldn't come.
Rest of the kids stared at him,
which only made the stuttering worse.
They'd whisper behind his back and laugh.
Finally, got to the point when the teacher
called on him
to answer a question, even if he knew the
answer,
he'd just say, "I don't know."
Then the teacher would shake his head and
say,
"Next time, study harder, Jay."
You were that little kid?
So sad.
That must have been very hard for you.
It was.
We're parked.
Okay, the movie's about to start.
Let's go.
Man, I haven't thought about that in years.
That was really moving.
'Cause that's how you tell a story.
Hi, could you bring out the birthday cake
in like five, minutes?
Sure, do you want the whole song and
everything?
- Oh, that would be great. - I only ask
because
- we don't love doing it. - Okay, thanks.
Hey. ‭ So, birthday boy,
how you feeling?
Um, a little nervous, actually.
Why?

Uh, well.
Oh, my God.
Haley, when I woke up this morning,
I just had this feeling.
And I know this is sudden,
but like any mid-to-large market
weatherman,
I trust my instincts.
And it might have something to do with
turning 45,
but today my instincts told me not to wait
another second
to spend the rest of my life with the woman
I love.
Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy, will you marry me?
Yes.
- Yes, I'll marry you. - Really? You will?
Yeah!
It just feels right, you know?
I don't want to over-think it.
That's what I love about you.
You don't over-think anything.
Oh, you've made me the happiest man in the
world.
I don't know how to say this without
sounding superficial,
but I need a closer look at this ring.
Yeah, sit down, sit down.
It was my grandmother's.
She hid it in her hollowed-out wooden foot
during the Great Depression.
So crazy my grandmother's on Snapchat.
It's beautiful.
I didn't ruin the surprise, did I?
I mean, I was trying to act normal through
dinner.
I just couldn't hide how nervous I was.
It's how I imagine fans feel when they come
up and meet me.
No, I didn't expect it at all.
I just thought you were nervous because the
light's
on the right side of your face.
Yeah. Oh, look at me --
I can't stop smiling. ‭ Yeah!
Usually I like to save my smiles for
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-【1463】-
Modern.Family.S08E18
on-camera
because they come off more real that way.
Oh, yeah. ‭ But this is worth it.
- That's odd. - ‭ What's wrong?
It's raining.
I didn't predict that -- I called for clear
skies tonight.
Ooh, should we order some champagne to
celebrate?
I can't believe my forecast was wrong.
Oh, don't beat yourself up about it.
If it helps, my weather app didn't predict
rain either.
- Your what? - ‭ Nothing.
My God, look at those winds.
They must register at least a 10 on the
Beaufort Scale.
Think of all the sun roofs left open.
Think of all the freshly blown-out hair
de-volumizing.
How could I not see this coming?
Rainer.
Is this the only thing I was off about
today?
What do you mean?
Well, let's face it, Haley. I did not think
this through.
I mean, where are we gonna live?
My place only has one walk-in closet, which
would stay mine.
And how's my daughter gonna feel about us
getting married?
Are you gonna want to have children?
Can I even have more children?
I've spent a lot of time in tanning beds.
Um, I think you're spinning a little.
Look, sometimes when I'm reorganizing my
closet,
I feel overwhelmed, like I'm never gonna
get through it all.
So I force myself to look at things in
smaller sections.
I arrange five pairs of shoes at a time.
12 hours later, I'm done.
So, that's what we'll do.
We'll take things five years at a time.

- In five years, I'll be 50. - What?
What did you think 45 plus 5 was?
Well, until today, you were 44,
which I had basically convinced myself was
40,
and now suddenly we're talking about 50,
which is basically 60.
Why are you panicking?
I'm the one who can't mess up another
marriage.
I mean, you mess up the first one, fine.
It's a mulligan. But the second one fails,
and suddenly I'm the problem.
I lose my chance at being the spokesperson
for Blue Monsoon Korean Energy Drink.
Let's just take a breath.
It's natural to freak out a little bit.
We're making a lifetime commitment.
We're going to be together forever.
Just you and me. Forever.
You just said that.
I know.
Because -- because it's great.
That's what every girl wants, right?
I mean, sure, I'm still really young and
there's obviously
so much more I thought I'd do before I tied
myself down
to one person for the rest of my life.
But does anyone ever truly feel ready to
get married?
I mean, probably.
- Haley. - But it's not like I'm dying.
I just won't be single anymore.
I'll won't ever go on a first date again.
I won't ever have a first kiss.
I won't ever dance near a deejay booth
hoping someone will like what they see
and offer me a ride home.
Oh, my -- is it - is it me?
Or is it just crazy hot in here?
Can somebody open a window, please?
No, no, they can't because, as I did not
predict,
it's raining outside.
Ew, my finger is swelling up.
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-【1464】-
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Oh, why is your grandmother's Depression
ring so tight?
Give me that butter.
Here, let me help you with that.
I got it.
- Ow! ‭ Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. ‭ - Nope,
it's okay.
I'm fine.
At least the ring came off.
Yeah, um, feels better.
Look, um, maybe you're right.
Maybe we should rethink this whole marriage
thing.
I don't remember saying that.
It's clear you're having doubts.
We both are.
Let's just keep dating and see where it
goes.
I don't want to do that.
I mean, I -- clearly, I've had some
commitment issues,
and I know I had a momentary freak out
there,
but I was -- I had no idea that you w--
Haley, I know it's unfair.
I guess I was just hoping you'd be sure
enough
for the both of us.
You're right.
It isn't fair.
You're really giving this back?
Just for now.
Haley, I'm 45 years old.
I-I don't want to just date and see where
things go.
That's not where I am in my life.
What are you saying?
Well, I think we're both saying it.
- * Ha-- * - No, no, don't.
Oh, good.
Do you want to blow out the candles?
Sir.
Sir.
What, what happened?
Are we in Dallas yet?
No, we left Dallas. We're in Turks and
 Modern.Family.S08E18
Caicos.
We need to clean the plane.
What?
Do you remember being in Dallas?
No, we must have slept through it.
You're wearing an cowboy hat.
So are you.
- What is this? - I don't think we're
supposed to have that.
So, it appears I've gotten a piercing.
What?
"Murray."
Why does your arm say "Murray"?
Who... whose dog is this?
What do you mean "whose dog"?
You refused to board without him.
I did?
Okay, well, let's go.
I don't remember my bag being this heavy.

第 9 页 共 9 页

-【1465】-

Modern.Family.S08E19
Listen up.
Any of youse goes stool-pigeon on me,
you'll find yourself in a Chicago overcoat.
Honey, you're not gonna talk like that
all the way to the wedding, are you?
Or all the way to that overpass?
Hey, at least you look cute.
Who picked my outfit?
I did.
My dad and Lorraine decided to have a
1920s-themed wedding.
Such a romantic time.
Yeah, dust bowls, the Klan, Prohibition.
Oh, I'm -- I'm sure they'll have alcohol.
Self-serve?
I guess the grease monkeys must be out back
shooting dice.
Can they come out here and shoot us?
Oh, God, look down.
Haley?
We're going somewhere fancy, okay?
Where, the past?
Hi, Kimmy.
You didn't feel like dressing up, too?
What do you say those pretty peepers of
yours
never saw the famous gangster Phillinger,
and his ex-prostitute getaway driver?
I think a, uh -- a sawbuck should do the
--
That's too much. I'm gonna get some change.
Enjoy dress-up day.
Mom, you need to control your man.
I cannot listen to this character all day.
Guys, you know your dad. You know your dad's
dad.
We are up against unimaginable forces of
goofy.
Just remember he does it out of love.
It's Johnny Law! Let's hot-foot it!
Phil!
What the hell is all this?
I got a rush order for my sauce,
and the kitchen that I usually use was
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1466】-
Modern.Family.S08E19
booked,
so I have to do everything myself.
You know, I think I slept funny last night.
No, don't. I know better than to ask for
your help.
Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time.
On the way, could you take me to pick up
my prom tux?
That sounds like something you'd love to
do.
I so don't want to do that.
I'm turning 70 next year.
I know -- I look great.
One of the few perks of getting up there
is the ability to say no without guilt.
"Can I have a ride to the airport?" No.
Do I want to see your niece's recital?
Nuh-unh.
"Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global --"
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Was anyone in my room last night?
Not after I tucked you in.
Great. I have a monster.
I'm sure you're mistaken.
Nope. And we have to catch him before I go
to bed tonight.
Joe, there's no such thing as monsters.
Calm down. I'm not gonna ask you to help.
Shaping up like a pretty good year.
Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
No, don't touch that!
I'm making that for Uncle Pepper's
costume party tonight.
The theme is famous movie duos.
Daddy and I are going as Leo and the
"Revenant" Bear.,
You know what?
Where is Pam?
She said she was gonna be here two hours
ago.
She has no respect for anyone else's time.
You know, she says she's gonna pop in for
a "Short stay."
It's like we're just supposed to rearrange
our lives?
It's taken me a long time, but I've finally

learned
that when it comes to Cam's sister,
anything I say can and will be used against
me.
Do you think maybe we should, you know,
have the bartender cut Pam off?
Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a
little bit messy.
Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of
making a fool out of yourself.
Go to hell, Mitchell!
You go straight to hell!
Well, her majesty has finally arrived.
I can sense how angry you are.
I know. I know. I'm late.
No, there's no late when you're family.
Although Mitchell was just saying --
What brings you into town?
Modeling.
I'm sorry. Modeling?
Real-person modeling.
Back home, they put me on a billboard for
the feed store,
and I caught the bug.
Next stop -- Hollywood.
Okay. So how long are you gonna be in town?
Well, who's to say?
Well, I was hoping it'd be you.
You can't put a date on a dream.
‭ Speaking of,
we need to take me to an audition,
and I'm a little jittery, so I was hoping
you guys
would want to ride along for moral support.
Oh, actually, Mitchell and I have a r--
We have a really busy day. Isn't that right,
Mitchell?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, this won't take long. Let's go.
On the ride over, I can practice my joint
pain grimaces.
Are you okay?
I am! I am!
Oh, yeah, I know. You're good. You're good.
Again?!
Joe hasn't slept in that chewed-up sweater
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1467】-
Modern.Family.S08E19
snagger
in years, but Gloria won't let me get rid
of anything
the kid has ever touched, so I needed a
plan.
Fortunately, when you say no to everything,
it frees up time to concoct ingenious
schemes.
Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere.
There's nothing underneath the bed,
nothing inside the teepee.
Are you sure?
Yes, monsters need places to hide.
They're not like the evil spirits,
which are all around us.
- What? - ‭ No, no, nothing, baby.
- Nothing. - Look, my window's open.
Maybe that's how he got in.
Impossible.
If he came across the roof,
there'd be broken tiles or monster prints
or...
My monogrammed money clip.
I snuck in through Joe's
window last night because it was past
curfew,
and I must have dropped my clip on the roof.
I needed to get it before mom saw.
I can't afford to get grounded.
David Sedaris is coming to Barnes and
Noble,
on a school night.
I guess I can go out on the roof and check
for monster slobber.
- Okay. ‭ - No!
If he falls from the roof and dies,
his ghost will haunt you forever.
Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.
Manny, help me out in the garage.
Do I get to say no to things I don't want
to do?
No, at your age, it's unlikable.
At my age, it's delightful.
Can you get those Easter decorations down
for me?
I don't know if you remember,

but my back's been bothering me lately.
Uh, do I need to change my shirt?
It looks cobwebby up there.
No, just give it a tug.
You know, I never realized how close to the
edge
that cinder block is to falling right on
this beautiful crib.
Son of a...! You got to be kidding me!
Come on!
Quite the shindig, huh?
You mooks cool your heels.
I'll grab some hooch for this parakeet.
Phil, why are we the only ones in costume?
Oh, you're right, doll. Something's
screwy.
The invitation clearly said "Gangster
attire optional."
Optional?!
You dumbasses actually did it!
Jerry, get this!
No, Jerry, don't get this.
Uh, everyone, this is Lorraine's son, Ray.
Mother-daughter -- My favorite search
category.
Shouldn't you be partially upright
on a "Stages of man" chart somewhere?
- What? ‭ - Yeah.
Honey, you need to hear this right now.
Your family's embarrassed.
We're the only ones in costumes.
You do this all the time.
I'm wearing wool underwear.
That's an extra step you chose to take.
I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun.
Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea
of a horror show.
When you picked me up from school in that
hot dog car.
Repeatedly screaming,
"That's what I'm talking about!" at my
graduation.
Walking into my science fair on stilts.
Your exhibit was on daddy longlegs. I had
no choice!
Oh, honey, you always have a choice.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1468】-
Modern.Family.S08E19
You just keep making the wrong ones.
Guys.
Come on, now.
Well, look, it's Pretty Boy Dunphy.,
Looking good yourself, Pops.
How, uh -- How you doing?
Well, I got my rings, got my vows.
Now all I need is a way to escape.
Please, someone help.
I'm kidding, of course.
Actually, I'm really looking forward to
being married.
Then -- Then what's with the getaway bag?
Oh, I got to ask you to help me out
with what I think is a doozy of a surprise.
Come here.
Get this -- Mid-ceremony, you know, when
you ask
if anyone has any objections?
‭ I'm gonna pull out
a Tommy gun and tell you to skip that part.
Sweet maple syrup. I like it.
I'm just getting warmed up.
I got a script, prop guns, exploding paint
capsules.
I even hired a few of the local theater
people to help out.
And, uh -- And Lorraine's cool with all
this?
That's the beauty part. She doesn't know
a thing about it.
80% of comedy is surprise.
The other 20% is wordplay.
Something wrong, son?
I think this might be a terrible idea.
What do you mean?
Lorraine might be one of those
old-fashioned brides
that doesn't want a body count on her
special day.
Dad, you and I like to have fun,
but not everybody's like us.
Some people -- Some people think
our brand of humor is embarrassing.
Oh, you're right. Maybe I do overdo it.
I remember your mother was really ticked

off at me
at your baptism when I kept pretending the
holy water
was boiling. ‭
Okay, we don't have to do anything crazy
today.
- Don't worry about it. - Thanks, Pops.
But, wait, you're still gonna do my funeral
the way we talked about, right?
That recording of you banging on that piece
of wood
screaming, "Let me out of here!"
It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.
- What are you doing? - That accident that
Manny caused earlier
gave me quite a start, so I figured
I'd pull everything out and put it back in
a safer fashion.
Gloria, could you plug this in for me?
I want to dust off some of this stuff.
Did you call me outside just for that?
I got a back situation.
Maybe Manny mentioned it.
Oh, no! Wrong cord!
What have you done?
Geez, it seems like Joe's crib's damaged
beyond repair!
No, no, it's fine.
It just Froggered across the street.
Leave it there. The garbage man is coming
tomorrow.
And you're fine with that?
You're attached to everything related to
that kid.
Yeah, but not to that stupid crib.
Do you know how many clothes I've ruined
walking by it --
nice dresses, sweaters, a pair of high
heels?
How do you snag a pair of high heels?
I kicked that stupid thing. How else?
My trap worked! I caught the monster!
I got you now, monster!
Wait, wait, wait, stop! It's me -- Manny.
Prove it. Do I like vegetables?
Only with ketchup.
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-【1469】-
Modern.Family.S08E19
Manny, what are you doing here?
Uh, I just needed a place to practice
some new dance moves for the prom.
Do it.
What?
Do the dance moves.
I have to admit that that is very good.
But I know that you're lying.
Fine.
I was the one in here last night.
I came in through the window because I broke
curfew.
I dropped my money clip,
and I was just trying to get it back.
Forget about going to David Sedaris.
I was wrong, Joe.
There is a monster in this room.
The key to real-person modeling
is not to attract a lot of attention to
yourself.
This is me thinking about buying a car.
This is me with a toothache, obviously.
Oh, this is me smart.
- What was that, Mitchell? - I didn't say
anything.
I thought you said something about that we
had a busy day.
No. No, I'm just happy to be here
watching a career get launched.
Oh. ‭ Yeah.
Hey, tell me if they call my name.
I'm gonna go pretty down.
Mm. ‭ Okay.
Can you believe her?
She just barges into our life and expects
us
to drop everything and invest in this crazy
dream.
Well, she really does look like someone who
just broke her mop.
Okay, what is going on with you?
I'm not doing it anymore, Cam, okay?
Okay, you're too afraid to confront your
big, scary sister,
so you use me to do it.
Well, I'm out, okay?

Until you learn how to confront her
yourself,
you're never gonna get the respect from her
that you clearly crave.
Okay, you know what? I am not in the least
bit intimidated by her.
"Her" who?
Oh, the lady at the costume store that,
uh, M-Mitchell's pressuring me to go
pick up the costumes right now.
I go-- Okay, I'm going, Mitchell.
My gosh. My gosh.
Hey, give me a dollar
so I can get me some gum.
- Here. - ‭ Thank you.
My God, you're perfect.
It's happening!
You're absolutely unremarkable!
Terry, get out here!
This better not be another false...
I can't not take my eyes off him.
Oh, I'm -- I'm not here to audition.
Say that again.
Yes, I've already forgotten what you said.
When they made him, they kept the mold.
Are you looking at me? Are you looking at
me?
Please tell me you're doing a scene from
a movie
and not confused about what a mirror is.
Hi, honey. What's that?
A bag of plastic guns.
My dad was planning this crazy stunt at the
wedding
that Lorraine didn't even know about.
There's a whole script for it and
everything.
Don't worry. I talked him out of it.
No more embarrassing the Dunphys today.
I heard what you guys said, and I'm -- I'm
truly sorry.
Oh, quick.
What nickname did Jennifer Lopez steal from
Jon Lovitz?,
J-- Never mind.
Hello? Yes, the rings.
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-【1470】-
Modern.Family.S08E19
Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo."
He also heard that siren and didn't say,
"There's my ride."
Did we break dad?
And when was the last time you saw him
pick up a can of whipped cream
and not do his "I've got rabies" gag?
Oh, my God. Did we go too far?
Have we knocked the fun out of him?
No, no, no. Stop this thinking.
We are this close to having a normal dad,
and you are not ruining it.
Hey, guys, can I have Claire for a second?
Sure.
Ew, they're spending their wedding night
right next door?
Calm down. The loudest noise you're gonna
hear
is Grandpa getting out of a chair.
You look great.
How are you feeling?
Well, you'd think on my fourth marriage,
I wouldn't be this nervous.
Ah, I guess it never gets easier.
I remember my wedding.
My stomach was filled with butterflies.
And Haley.
I've always married such serious men.
Frank is not that at all.
Oh, I know, but if you can see past that.
Past that?
Yeah, he's got a lot of wonderful qualities,
too.
Oh, sweetie, you're missing it.
All my ex-husbands were accomplished,
serious men,
but bone-dry.
A day hasn't gone by that Frank hasn't made
me laugh.
I hope I keep up.
Oh. ‭ But who am I telling?
You got lucky, too.
Sweet victory!
Okay, wait, wait.
- Charge! - No, no, no!
Not my hair!
 Modern.Family.S08E19
Not my hair! Oh, all of them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on? Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me.
Oh, nothing. We're painting Joe's wall I can see the judgment all over that generic
with monster repellent to protect him. face of yours.
Looks like you're having fun, huh? This strap is cutting into me like a piano
Don't worry. We're not gonna ask you to do wire.
anything. Would you mind going through my luggage
The trick to the corners is if you -- and pulling out my after-dinner bra?
Yeah, yeah, we got it. If I must.
Go fix yourself a drink! I'm home!
"Fix yourself a drink." I didn't get picked. Thanks for asking.
- Right there. - Right there, Joe. Well, I have good news.
The thing about saying no -- Mitchell and I are early contenders to win
You say it too much... the best costume
people just stop asking. in the human/animal category.
You stole my dream. What are you doing?
Okay, would you please stop saying that? Self-comforting with food.
If you hadn't distracted those ninnies I've been working on that all morning,
with your striking regularness, they would and it is for a party tonight.
have put me What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a
in a national TV ad campaign instead of cake
neither of us! but stand around screeching about how
Why are you flipping out? pretty it is?
I-I am not in competition with you. Okay, that's it.
Oh, so now you think I'm crazy? Pam, you are rude.
N-No. You are disrespectful.
Well, maybe I am crazy, but I have a damn And you are going in for another bite?!
good reason. Put the fork down! Put it down!
Connect the dots, you dummy. It is high time
I'm wearing real loose clothes. I need that you start thinking about somebody
money real bad. other than yourself!
My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane. Oh. So that's how you feel?
Uh, you're in love? Yes, it is.
No, the opposite! I'm pregnant! Then I guess it is on!
Okay. Oh, God. Don't. No!
The family didn't want me to get back - You better run! ‭ - No!
together with Beau Get off of me! I wasn't ready!
on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and Then get ready for this!
married, Hey! Cut it out!
but I did it anyway, and now he's in County Hey! That hurts!
for punching a police horse in the face. Good, then it's working!
And if they find out, then they'll just know Oh, cut it out, you faker. I'm not even
that everyone was right about me being such touching you.
a screw-up. I assume it's this one. Oh, what are you
Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea. doing?
I mean, how many months along are you? She's pregnant!

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1471】-

What?! ‭
Hey! Hey! Cut it out!
Oh, no, I think my water just broke.
Is it on me?!
I'm fixing to reproduce right now!
Call 811.
No, Mitchell, that's for livestock.
Call 911.
Yeah, I-I know. I know.
Pamela, why didn't you tell me?
Well, why do you think?
I didn't want to disappoint you.
You know you're the person I look up to
mo-o-o-o-o-st...
- ...in the family. - ‭ I am?
Why do you think I came here?
Oh. ‭ I wanted to be near you when the baby
po...
But I thought maybe if I got a job first,
I wouldn't look like such a pathetic
me-e-e-e-ss!
What?
I'm so cold, Cam!
Oh, oh, here, put on Mitchell's bear
costume.
Here you go. Come on.
Okay, so they are gonna be here in, uh, 10
minutes.
I'll never make it!
Okay. ‭ It's a-coming!
Okay! Mitchell! Mitchell, okay.
It's all right. We're here for you.
Help me get her pants off.
- Okay. Yes. - ‭ All right, we need to get
some pillows up underneath her hips
to get her birthing canal properly angled.
Yeah! ‭ All right, here we go.
Relax. ‭
Mitchell!
I want to make sure that they don't miss
the house,
- so I'm just gonna... - Breathe, breathe.
Frank and Lorraine, today marks the public
and legal
joining of your souls, marriage being above
all else,
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1472】-
Modern.Family.S08E19
a contract.
Uh, one of my favorite authors once wrote,
"If love is not all, then it is nothing.
This principle, and its opposite,
collide down all the years of -- of my
breathless tale."
Seeing Phil bomb up there, I felt like a
mama bird
who had just nudged her chick out of the
nest
without a single pun to break his fall.
"For man can no more survive without love
than a cooper without his billhook,
nor a whaler less his flensing knife."
Words as true today as they were
when they were written 18,000 years ago.
That can't be right.
Now is the moment when I ask if anyone here
has reason to object to the union of these
two people.
Thank you.
I object!
I object to you not handing over those
diamond rings, preacher!
You heard her.
Hand over the ice, or I fill you full
of...leed.
-Lead. -Honey, what are you doing?
Sorry, padre, you had your chance.
I now pronounce you dead!
When in the world did --
A lot of questions for a cadaver!
Don't you see? These twos is in on it
together!
Mind your own potatoes, Daisy.
Excuse me.
This is my wedding
and your funeral!
And one for the choir boy!
Missed me.
Hey, uh, you guys feel like doing one more
paint job?
Only all of us this time?
Sure.
Sometimes life can be simpler than we
think.
 Modern.Family.S08E19
We're born...
You know, um, maybe we should let Pam and
the baby
stay upstairs for a little while.
Mitchell was just saying -- No, he hates
when I do that.
I was just saying that maybe you and the
baby
should stay upstairs for a while?
Oh, Cam!
...we die...
You're all mad with the devil's brew!,
...and in between...
Ah! ...if we're lucky, we laugh...
...which makes the journey worth taking.
With that in mind...
Do you, Frank Dunphy, the silliest man I
know...
...take Lorraine to be your long-suffering
wife?
I do.
You may kiss the tomato.
Your bedtime was an hour ago senor.
I wanna finish this.
You don't even know how to read.
Stop worrying. There is no monster up
stairs.
That paint works.
Mommy, can you check it?
Okay.
Your mother won't even let me get rid of
this sticky old tarp.
She's attached to everything.
Someday soon that will work in your favor.
Careful that cinder block.
Man, you couldn't budge that thing with it.
Great, now I have a swamp monster.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1473】-

Modern.Family.S08E20
Jay and I are partners in a parking lot,
and it's added a wonderful, new dynamic to
our relationship.
The first step was hiring someone to man
the booth.
We narrowed it down to the two candidates
who applied.
I don't think it should be,
"I hope there's a place to park
near where I love to have lunch."
I think it should be,
"I hope there's a place to have lunch
near where I love to park."
So, Tibor,
tell us why you're excited about a career
in parking.
Is good.
That's a tough one.
My top three...
Destiny's Child...
- Janet Jackson... - ‭ Yes.
and my fave... Metallica.
Oh, my goodness, you are so complex.
Tibor, what are your favorite kinds of
music?
Tibor.
Is good?
Well, I think the choice is clear.
- Tibor. - Joan.
Tibor?
I like his energy. He doesn't have any.
Well, I like Joan. She's fun.
Take her to the movies. This is a business.
Looks like we're at a stand-off.
God, not the coin.
Even super-duper pals like Jay and I
disagree sometimes,
so... I dreamed up this baby.
If it comes up Phil, I win.
If it comes up Jay, he wins.
He hated this, but I told him,
"The coin adds 10 pounds."
So, how hard-core is this march going to
be?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1474】-
Modern.Family.S08E20
Just a peaceful gathering of women
working towards the same goal of equality.
We're not burning bras or anything.
Good, 'cause I just got my first one.
I'm not torching it before Naomi's
sleepover.
This is a really exciting time for you,
Lily.
This is your first taste of feminism.
We're all here as your mentors --
or "Womentors".
Come on, I just coined that.
We fake-laughed at "Sheroic."
The well is dry.
This stupid traffic!
Look at all these women in these cars, Lily.
It's so inspiring.
All for one!
- One for all -- - I am gonna cut around
these idiots!
What was that?
Somebody shot out the tire!
Really? That's where you go with this?
It was a pothole.
The dashboard is going crazy.
It's a flat tire. Perfect.
I wouldn't know about "flat."
Phil! Phil!
We have a problem.
"We"?
I'm trying to get to that bakery that makes
those bear claws.
That chatterbox you and your coin hired
is clogging up our parking lot.
Oh, great. There goes eight bucks.
Is this an official partners' meeting?
Hold on.
Good morning and welcome.
Partners present --
Phil Dunphy -- Put down your stupid
notebook.
You're the one who wanted to hire her.
You've got to tell her to speed it up or
hit the road.
I want you to know that I hear you
and will address this posthaste.

Now, if we could move on to some unfinished
business
from the last meeting, um...
"My feelings are still hurt
from you telling me
all the places you want me to put the coin."
Ah, it's after ten o'clock --
too late to eat a bear claw now.
I'll be too sugared up for my nap.
Everything's ruined!
Hey. You look busy.
Oh, yeah, well, I'm just putting the
finishing touches
on the costumes for this year's school
musical.
You mean the one that's supposedly based
on your life,
but is a beat-for-beat rip-off of "The
Wizard of Oz"?
Mine is the story of a precocious farm kid
who takes a magical journey to the big city.
How is that "Wizard of Oz"?
Cam, you have a Tin Man.,
That's our high-school mascot.
We were the Mighty Milk Jugs.
You know this.
Hi, Pam.
Hey, y'all.
Listen, upstairs in the kitchen...
is there, um...
one of those, uh...
you know, things that, uh...
Wait, what were you asking me?
Pam, are-are you okay?
Oh, honey, you look exhausted.
The baby didn't sleep again last night.
I'll tell you, I haven't been this out of
sorts
since that twister lifted up our house.
Told ya.
That wind was so strong
it shucked all our corn.
‭ It was like... whenev--
- She sleeping? - No, she's fine.
Our plough horse used to do the same thing.
Baby's crying.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1475】-
Modern.Family.S08E20
Why don't I put this on pause.
I'll come up and help you out for a little
bit.
Oh, maybe Mitchell should help.
He's just so good with baby Calhoun.
Aww. ‭ I ought to call you "Uncle Secret
Touch".
That seems like a
"500 feet away from a playground" kind of
nickname.
But I will be happy to help.
Okay, well, I'll just be down here, in case
nobody needs me.
Hey, wh-why don't you head upstairs.
I-I'll be right up, okay?
Oh, thank you.
You know, you try to hide it,
but you are a sensitive soul...
"Uncle Sneaky Feeler."
Yeah, before we go wide with that, let's,
um --
not. Okay.
Cam.
What? I think it's great that she's asking
you
to help out with baby Cal
instead of his own flesh and blood.
I guess the only thing I'm good for
is putting on a wig and taking her SATs.
I cannot believe you're jealous.
I'm hardly jealous. I'm much too busy.
Oh, finishing the flying monkeys?,
They're not flying monkeys.
Let me ask you -- what do you think happens
to possums during a tornado?
Park it over there, next to that Buick.
There he is.
Hey, Joan. How's everything down here
today?
Putting cars in spaces and smiles on faces.
Well, except for yours.
What's wrong?
Oh, no, I'm good. Yeah, definitely good.
Phil...if there's two things I know,
it's people and parking.
And you look like you trying to get out of

a tough spot.
You see right through me.
There was an issue at our partners'
meeting.
Hold on one second.
Hey, sugar!
All right, girl, how was the office party?
I kept all my clothes on this time.
And you were right --
I stayed away from mixers and I'm not
hungover!
See?!
You can't lose if it's nothing but booze.
That deserves...
confetti bomb!
You're the greatest.
Park it over there by that blue Toyota.
My girl!
She is a bit of a drinker,
so I like to give her a lot of space.
All right.
Now, what did you want to talk about?
Nothing.
Everything here is perfect.
- Well, almost. ‭ - Something on your mind?
No, but something is on my feet
all day -- me.
How 'bout...a gel mat for the booth?
Oh, I'm getting you a mat...
'cause you're all that.
I love that!
Confetti bomb! ‭
It wasn't like I was checking up on him.
I had my nap and I came by for an afternoon
claw.
I don't have a lot going on right now.
I think it's this one.
Hey, guys, why don't we just call roadside
assistance?
I'm sure they'll send somebody.
If today is all about girl power,
why can't we just fix it ourselves?
I knew we shouldn't have brought her.
It's funny --
we've only been volunteering here
- at the women's march for an hour... - Five
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1476】-
Modern.Family.S08E20
minutes.
...but it already feels like I'm part of
something big,
something really special.
Would you snap a picture?
So you can prove you were here and get
school credit,
and be home faster than the ink dries
on that poster you just misspelled?
"Women Untie"?
Still works.
Luke, these women deserve our respect.
They've had to overcome
biases and challenges we've never had to
face.
They're the granddaughters of the suffrage
movement.
Sitting through your little speech...
that's suffrage.
Oh, my God.
I-It's Danielle Pardo from calculus.
- Who? - ‭ You wouldn't know her.
You run in different circles.
She's in honors classes and you, well,
run in circles.
Hey, Manny!
It's so cool you're here.
And I'm here, too -- Luke Dunphy.
You saw me now
and you saw me at the end of the march.
If you guys are making signs,
here are some of the issues --
women make 79 cents on the dollar,
and the government wants to tell me what
I can do with my body.
I mean, how would you feel if --
She blew my mind.
Society treats girls like second-class
citizens.
I've spent a lot of time on women's
websites,
but none of this stuff ever came up.
You're watching strong women in action,
Lily.
When we put our minds together,
there's nothing we can't achieve.

This is too hard.
Ugh. I give up.
Let's just get the manual.
Great idea. I like that.
You see, Lily, there are no fairy tales,
no damsels in distress.
We are more than just a bunch
of pretty faces.
There's nothing in the glove box but
makeup.
Ay, yeah, because the manual wouldn't fit
with my emergency touch-up kit.
I would like to revisit
Gloria's idea about giving up.
Oh, that's setting a great example.
What do you think would've happened
if Marie Curie had given up?
She wouldn't have died of radiation
poisoning.
How on Earth did you know that?
You talk about her a lot.
Until I saw her on that stamp,
I thought she was your girlfriend.
Gloria, I can't believe you don't know how
to change a tire.
You drove a taxi. Surely you had a flat.
I had a lot of flats,
but I would reapply my makeup and I would
wait and then,
in five minutes, I would have my own pit
crew.
You know, after we get this tire changed,
do you still want to go to the rally
or should we just drop you off in 1950?
Uh, guys, there's, uh...
You need help with that tire?
No. ‭ No. No, we don't. We're good, thanks.
What are you guys talking about?
She's a woman and she wants to help with
the tire.
She checks all the boxes.
Right. Um...
Hello.
Uh, we were trying to change our tire,
but there's something wrong with the jack.
Let me check it out.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1477】-
Modern.Family.S08E20
Uh-huh. Oh, that.
Okay. ‭ There we go.
...should have moved that one.
You're hired.
Great. Let's get this baby off the ground.
I'm Joey, by the way.
Thank you.
I'm Haley.
What? She's awesome, it's confusing.
I read your script, baby.
If you got third-act problems,
you got first-act problems.
You are so right.
Park it next to the Honda
and flush out your antagonist.
- Hey. - ‭ Hey, Jay.
How's Gloria, Manny, Joe, and Stella?
What, do you got index cards?
Listen, your chattiness is gumming up the
works here.
You're not here to socialize,
so just get 'em in, get 'em out.
Are you asking me not to talk to people?
'Cause that is what I do.
And Phil don't seem to have a problem with
it.
No, but I do.
Well, to quote Sammy Davis Jr.,,
"I got to be me."
Well, to quote Frank Sinatra,,
who I met once at a restaurant,
"Get out of my booth."
Okay.
Fine...
with me.
Hey. Where do I park?
Between two lines.
Ugh, my old squash injury.
Oh, you played squash?
No. I grew the heaviest one in the county.
I had to carry it inside every night,
on account of poachers.
Hi, little baby Calhoun.
It's your uncle Cam --
your real uncle, not that guy Mitchell,
who's just somebody I met at a party.
 Modern.Family.S08E20
You and I are gonna be the best friends in explain something to a woman that she
the whole wide -- already knows.
No, no, no, no! Are you mansplaining "mansplaining" to me
Why would you wake the baby?! right now?
- Well, I just was... ‭ - He was finally I was talking about your snack.
asleep! It's trail mix.
- I was just... ‭ - I-I got him. You know who else blazed a trail --
I got him. It's gonna be okay. Geraldine Ferraro!,
Come here, baby. Hey, Joan, it's me...
‭ - Okay... - Thank you. Mat-man.
I was about to wig out worse than Princess What are you doing here? Where's Joan?
Margaret You were supposed to handle it, but you
when her boyfriend was banished by didn't,
Elizabeth. so I had to take time out of my extremely
Oh, yep. busy day
You watched "The Crown" without me?!, and try to straighten her out.
- Come on, Cal. - Yeah. But she didn't go along with the program,
It's no fun watching this angry queen. so she's gone.
I can't believe you. You did this without talking to me?
We're only on episode four We're supposed to be partners.
and there are literally no spoilers. We're gonna hire that Tibor guy.
I'm talking about you and your weird, new, He barely speaks English, but there'll be
little family. no chattiness --
You have turned that baby against me. although I did try that with Gloria,
What did you say to him? and eventually they watch so much TV they
Cam, only you could turn this into figure it out.
something negative. - But the coin decided. - Screw the coin!
There's nothing wrong with your sister and There's no line, and Joan never had this
I becoming closer. many cars in the lot.
We have a very special relationship -- People liked her! She was good at this!
kind of like the one the queen had with her Relax. This is parking cars, not building
private secretary. closets.
You son of a bitch! Excuse me?
It's history. There's like four cars blocking me in.
Do you know that there are only a handful I'll get them out of your way in a jiffy.
of female C.E.O.S in the entire Fortune Oh, no!
500? ‭ Oh, no!!
That's crazy. "Oh, no" is right. The yoga class just got
Women can drive a racecar just as well as out.
a man., Here, stand on this.
You joke. You might be here for a while.
I'm only in high school and I see casual So good.
sexism on the daily. Pam?
I know. I hear the way Mr. Easton Hey -- okay.
"mansplains" everything to you. L-Let's go to bed.
- What's that? - It's when a man tries to No. I'm not tired.

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1478】-

No, this is why your neck and shoulders
always hurt,
'cause you're falling asleep standing up.
Come on, let's get you to bed.
Come on.
‭ Okay, all right.
Ah, my prince.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
All right, everybody relax. Calm down! Calm
down.
Who drives the Prius?
With a "Whole Foods" reward card?
Where's Joan? I need my car.
Confetti bomb.
We're full.
Everything's fine. I've rehired Joan.
We don't need her.
Who drives the car with the silver keys?
Phil, am I doing this or not?
Joan, the lot is yours.
All right. Wendy, let's get you in that
minivan
and home to your diabetic cat.
You cannot unilaterally rehire her, Phil.
You mean like how you fired her without
talking to me?
If we disagree about something,
we're supposed to flip over it!
Maybe we should flip over whether we should
even be partners.
- Maybe we should do it right now. -
‭ Great.
If it comes up Phil, we keep going.
If it comes up Jay, we end it.
What are you two fools doing?
This isn't working out.
And it's not gonna
until you start treating this man like your
equal.
You think you're some big-shot boss
and you can just push him around.
- Thank you, Joan. - ‭ Zip it!
You let him do it.
Do yourself a favor --
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1479】-
Modern.Family.S08E20
learn something from Jay, like how to be
tough.
You guys don't need a stupid coin.
You need each other.
Now...say something nice.
I always -- I always have admired your
toughness.
All right. Your turn.
I always thought you were...
...happy.
See?
And that is how you do that.
Oh. Hey, there you are.
Listen, it was wrong of me
to say something weird was going on
between you and Pameron.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Clearly, you guys have a perfectly normal
sister- and gay-brother -in-law
relationship.
You saw it on the baby monitor, didn't you?
It was even creepier in night vision.
I don't know what happened.
Y-You both have the same lips and --
and you kiss the same and --
We did learn to kiss on the same hedge post.
Mitchell, could I speak to you in private,
please?
Why? Do you want to do some more neckin'?
You were bragging on it?!
He saw it on the baby monitor.
And you were watching, you horny toad?
Pam, let's calm down.
You're kind of embarrassing yourself.
I know!
I'm such a mess!
I'm just so tired!
Plus, I fell asleep to the scene of the
queen's horses doin' it!
- Hello? Spoiler alert. - It's just...
I'm sorry if I've been such a burden.
- No, you're not a burden. ‭ - No, no,
you're not a burden.
No, come on, listen --
the truth is, I've kind of enjoyed
being super-daddy to a baby,

you know, 'cause I've never had that.
Oh, what are you talking about? You were
great with Lily.
No, you were great with Lily.
In the beginning, I...
I was a mess, so I let you take the lead.
I don't know, m-maybe I'm just
trying to prove something to myself.
Oh, sweetie, I had no idea.
But you don't have anything to prove
because you're a great dad.
You both are...
but I'm a disaster.
No, white couch. Let's get you up.
I don't think I can do all this by myself.
Well, you know what, the good news is,
is you don't have to do any of this all by
yourself,
because you have a family right down here
who loves you
and will do anything we need to do to help
you.
Good. That means the world to me.
And besides... I know that cry,
and somebody else is changing that diaper.
- Not it. - Not it.
So, women can't win.
They're penalized if they work
and they're penalized if they stay home.
Exactly!
You know, Luke, when I woke up this morning
and came to the rally...
I never thought I would meet somebody like
you.
You're up!
It's my turn.
I can't believe she's falling for this.
I've believed in this cause my whole life.
You spend an afternoon faking it
and she kisses you almost on the lips.
I'm not faking anything.
She got through to me.
Women and girls and the men who honor us...
It's a crime what women in this country have
to go through,
and I'm with her 100%.
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1480】-
Modern.Family.S08E20
We will never accomplish anything without
sacrifice.
Damn straight!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen,
but...
Danielle and I made a connection
and I'm sticking with her as long as it
takes.
That's why, until women have true equality,
I will remain celibate.
Let's get out of here.
Now that the jack is lowered
and all the lug nuts are snug,
you just got to tighten everything in a
cross pattern.
Why don't you each do one?
If it's okay, I'd rather not get grease all
over me.
Hey, you can't change the world
without getting your hands dirty.
Okay. Give me that.
You're right.
This is great.
It feels like I can do anything.
You're loosening it.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Thank you, Joey.
You did that so fast.
Well, cars are in my blood.
You know, my grandmother ran her own
garage.
Huh. That's so awesome.
There must have been a lot of prejudice back
then.
There was... but eventually,
she started fixing Irish people's cars.
Well, uh, Lily, why don't you finish it off.
I'm not strong enough.
Well, then let me help you.
We're stronger together.
Wow. We are stronger together.
Oh, I'm sorry I put you down before.
You are a formidable woman, Gloria.
You deserve respect.
No, Claire, you are the one that deserves
respect.
 Modern.Family.S08E20
You have raised three wonderful children, Hey, not cool.
you run a company, I'm so sorry, you guys.
you don't waste time on silly things Aw, you can come visit.
like... You know, if you can afford it.
the way your hair looks.
You just get things done.
And that is it. You guys are all set.
Thank you so much.
Is there any way we could pay you for your
time?
No, no, absolutely not.
I'm happy to help.
But let me just reset your tire-pressure
monitor
so that thing doesn't beep at you all day.
Yes, please. Go right ahead.
See that, Lily?
We didn't need a man to help us get out of
this.
This is what happens when women help other
women.
She's probably just making sure it works,
right?
So that bitch stole my car.
On a positive note, it is nice to see a woman
break into a previously male-dominated
field.
My makeup was not insured.
It's the perfect solution.
Can't we just make an decision?
What's going on?
Oh, your father and I have been arguing
about something
for over an hour.
Fortunately, I've made a special coin
with my face on one side and your mom's on
the other.
Ugh, Susan B. Unflattering.
Okay, here we go.
- It came up Claire. - Yep!
Getting cremated!
Damn it!
Okay, here's another one...
my head, we use our nest egg for a beach
condo.
Yours, the kids' safety net.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1481】-

Modern.Family.S08E21
Daddy, want to come throw with me?
Oh, actually -- I'm actually in the middle
of --
- Not you. - Okay.
Oh, uh, yeah, but just for a bit while, uh,
Gloria and Joe
go through some of your old toys in the
garage.
I'll fly there.
Okay, vamanos!
Kid loves that cape.
So, I see your stance on sons wearing
accessories has evolved.
The cape gives him superpowers.
What did leg warmers give you?
Flair. They gave me flair.
Leave me alone, okay?
Everybody, leave me alone.
Hey! What's all that?
I just -- I'm sorry. I just need a night
away.
Here. Want to help?
- I don't do that. - Okay.
It's just -- It's been a lot recently,
you know, coming off of a really long trial,
Cam's spring cleaning frenzy,
hauling Lily all over for softball,
pretending to care about softball.
Oh, I get needing time away.
I was married to your mother.
Like you are now.
I have it all planned out.
I drive to the desert.
I check into the Markham --
a few hours by the pool, massage,
then I head downstairs for a juicy steak
frites,
just me and my book, which can't talk to
me.
So do it.
Asking Cam to go away alone
is three weeks of wounded crazy
that I -- I don't want to deal with right
now.
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1482】-
Modern.Family.S08E21
Don't ask, tell.,
Isn't that what you fought for?
Okay, I don't know what to address first.
Uh, Jay, Gloria's ready to go.
All right. Take it easy.
You have a good one, too... Mrs. Tucker.
Why'd he call you Mrs. Tucker?
Why does he wear those boxy jeans? I don't
know.
No, seriously. W-Why is he messing with
you?
All right, yeah, what the hell.
Um, I told him how I would love to go
to the desert for a night.
Okay, yeah. Fun. Let's go!
Hold, please.
How I would love to go to the desert for
a night alone.
I don't care.
If you want to go alone, go alone. I don't
care.
Oh, see, you said "I don't care" twice.
Because that's how much I don't care.
Why are you still here?
Cam, don't be hurt. I'm not running from
you.
- Here. - And I'm not folding that.
I just wanted a night alone, okay?
Lily's going to that sleepover tonight.
It seemed like a good night to do it.
So, go!
You know, I don't love the implication
that I'm so needy I can't spend one night
by myself.
I didn't say that.
You didn't not say that.
And you're not not being needy.
Well, to show you how not needy I am,
I... will pack your bag for you.
It's already packed?
Oh, yeah, well, this is the third time
I've tried asking you.
Bye. I love you. Okay.
Oh, hello, Claire.
Hi, honey.
I just got back from the most beaut-- Oh!
 Modern.Family.S08E21
Oh, indeed. Guess who I found driving through the
Welcome to your prerecorded seduction. neighborhood
Mama likes! who insisted on stopping over to say hi
Papa knows. with his new wife and her kids!
That's right. It was me! Dylan.
I know my wife so well, I was able to You know, from before?
anticipate -Yeah. -Yeah.
her questions before she asked them. Mr. And Mrs. D, this is my wife,
Well, this is kind of fun. Dr. Elaine Kolchuck.
The sexiest? Doctor?
I don't know. The world's a pretty big Yeah, I don't know why he does that.
place. And these are my beauties,
Help yourself to a glass of wine, my love. Betty and Janice.
Oh, it's kind of early in the day, And this is my son Douglas.
but how often do we get the house completely Your son.
to ourselves? That's not weird.
Easy, thirsty! Anyway, I just wanted to pick
I've got plans for you. something up that I left here.
Hint -- This won't be the last time Bam!
you see me on a sheet today. Oh, wait. Uh...
Now you. Bam! Your dad did that.
Well, I guess your beautiful lunch will Yellow's the hardest side.
have to wait. What is that sound? What happened?
Someone's here! No, Claire! Brooke the banister. I'll fix it!
What? What's this thing?
Yes, Claire. Show me those pretty feet. No! No!
How do you turn this thing off? - Oh, no! - And now...
The sheet said yes. No, no, no, no!
You know what's not real conducive to A treat for you.
studying? No! No!
100 nerds crying in every different Asian Everybody go home!
language! No!
You knew finals were coming, people. * Watching sports with my feet on the table
Calm the hell down! *
Oh, good. You're here. * This is the best *
Do we have any corn? * This is the best *
What is happening? * Being alone is the best *
Are those chickens? "Rescue Me."
Epic senior prank. What?
Don't make it too epic. How will you top That was the name of the TV show
it next year? I couldn't remember at dinner last week.
Get them out. Get them out. Come on. Let's pop it in.
- Now, now, now. - I need to grab something No. It's a bad time, Cam.
upstairs. Turns out, it wasn't the allergies.
Oh, God. Come on, guys. I feel terrible.
The door! What is going on? You shouldn't be close to me. I don't want

第 2 页 共 8 页

-【1483】-

to get you sick.
Oh, gosh. No danger of that.
I have the immune system of a horse.
When I was a kid, I needed a transfusion,
and there was a mix-up with the vials.
I've contacted Marvel Comics repeatedly,
but they don't seem interested.
Come on. I'll make you some chicken soup.
Manny! Hey, hey!
And who is this?
Cam, this is Sierra, my --
Gosh, what would you call us at this point?
Teacher-assigned study partners.
As you can see, I've got a lot of work to
do, so...
Yeah, we only have another half-hour.
I promised my dad I'd get an oil change.
Oh, well, Manny can do that.
Really?
Yeah! Pull your car into the garage.
Just be careful not to hit his weight set
or his power tools.
Wow. That would be awesome.
Cam, I know you're trying to help, but stop.
I'm clueless about cars,
and I really don't want her hitting Mom's
weight set.
I'm gonna talk you through it.
Okay, missy, whatever you're working on
over here,
let me take over.
No, no, no. You can't.
This is my abuela's special fever cure.
Please hand me the dried scorpion.
You're gonna eat this?
No, don't be stupid.
I am gonna wrap it in a rag
and I am gonna let it soak into my head.
Okay. You know what?
Let's get you to bed, and I will bring it
to you.
I can follow a recipe. Go on.
No, no, no. It's --
Go on.
Be careful.
All right. Ground chicken beak.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1484】-
Modern.Family.S08E21
Mashed crickets.
Ew! Cilantro? Ugh.
I'll grab your room key. Restroom's over
there.
Thank you so much.
I just drove the whole way. I had a huge
iced tea, and --
What am I doing? You know why people pee.
Hey, Colin.
Might have been hasty turning down that
site map.
I've walked into the same Bar Mitzvah twice
now.
Hey! Whatcha doing here?
Me?
You said Cam wouldn't let you come.
I thought it was safe.
Safe to what, steal my special day?
Well, you made it sound so good!
The pool, the steak, no one to talk to.
Well, now we have someone to talk to.
Thanks a lot.
Look, the place is gigantic.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Oh, my God.
Dad, you even stole the book that I'm
reading.
When you were over at the house,
- I peeked at the jacket. - ‭ Of course.
I'm not gonna read something Larry King
called "Crazy good"?,
Fine. I'll see you back in civilization,
okay?
Thank you.
Uh, you sure you don't need a site map.
Oh, no. I'm fine.
I've been here a million times. Thank you
so much.
Are you trying to make me fail?!
Sweetheart, I know that you're stressed,
and we are so proud
that you stopped pulling out your
eyelashes.
So proud. We are a little concerned
about this new, uh, pen-up-the-nose tic.
It's -- It's not a tic!

It's just something some people do
occasionally.
- Where is it -- - It's right --
It's right -- You got it right there.
Ah! Damn it!
I mean, the crazy thing is
I'm happy Dylan found that old lady with
those hideous kids.
I mean, how funny is it
that he is the one that settled down
and is doing so great while I'm alone
basically forever?
Could you please go be tragic somewhere
else?
Dylan, are you back?
I'm fixing the banister!
This is a nightmare!
You're not better than us.
I am so much better than you!
I'm not the one with the pen up her nose.
At least I have a boyfriend.
Who says that?
Oh, God.
- Oh, God! ‭ - Haley crying about Dylan,
Alex freaking out about school,
this is like a big deja vu.
No, deja vu is when you imagine
that you've seen something before.
This is just vu!
In hindsight, I should have pulled my head
out
before I nailed the post back in.
Buddy...
Live and learn.
If only you ever did.
Okay.
I think I may have gone too deep this time.
Sweet Caligula, that's a lot of blood.
Why would Dylan change his phone number?
Do you know how long it took him to memorize
the last one?!
Both sides now?
Don't hate this glue smell.
Now comes the blood-loss migraine.
Oh, you know what? I-I can go get some
medicine.
第 4 页 共 8 页
-【1485】-
Modern.Family.S08E21
Oh, no. You know, I can do that.
Actually, my car's blocking your car.
Yeah, that's not a big deal. You know why?
Because I can take your car instead of mine!
Bye!
No. No, no, no! No way!
Oh, my God.
Knock it off!
Mind your own business!
I would love to.
But now I'm wondering if all that gasping
is about something I've already read or
something coming up!
I'm on page 312.
Don't tell me that!
Now I know there's a gasp coming in 20
pages.
Of course. You're following me.
Oh, I-I'm sorry. I thought you were someone
else.
What the hell did I just witness?
Oh, good Lord.
Oh! Good Lord!
Tell me about this sea bass special again.
Mediterranean prep, en papillote --
Oh. Really?
Yeah.
Baked in paper with tomato, red pepper,
capers, onion, olives.
Literally my favorite fish dish.
Would you recommend that over the steak?
Hey, I was kind of in the middle of my own
thing here.
Would you recommend it over the steak?
They're both great.
Fine. Steak. Stick with the plan.
And I'll have a glass of the Merryvale Cab.
Yeah, me too. Thank you.
Sorry, the Merryvale Ca-- uh, doesn't come
by the glass.
I-It seems like you two know each other.
You could split the fish and steak
and share the bottle of wine.
Not doing that.
Never said we were.
This is actually my dad.

I came here for some alone time, but he
copycatted me.
He said he wasn't coming
because his scary partner said he couldn't.
Scary husband!
Still hits my ear wrong.
Wow. So, you're not even gonna...
I-I'm sorry.
Uh, just, my dad passed away when I was 10,
and I'd love to have dinner with him again.
Oh, Austin. That's so sad.
Terrible story.
Makes you think.
Anyway, I'll have a glass of any of the
reds.
White for me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't mean to pull your leg so hard.
What?!
Dylan was my romantic safety net.
How is a person supposed to live without
one?
Alex, I'm asking!
It is scientifically impossible
for me to care less about your -- Ow!
Head down, honey.
- What?! - ‭ Where is your mom?
She's been gone for over an hour.
She's just sitting in the car.
- What?! - ‭ What?!
She's just sitting -- Never mind!
Oh! Hi.
Hi. How long you been sitting out here?
That's a weird question. I literally just
drove in.
Sorry. We usually try to get here in under
30 minutes.
Yeah, thank you. Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, God. Phil, I can't go back in there.
I'm sorry. I tried.
I opened the door, but my legs wouldn't
move.
Honey...
Drive.
Modern.Family.S08E21
What? What about Alex's pills?
Drive.
So -- So we're running away from home.
I mean, I-I-is that okay?
Yes. We live with three adults.
We're basically landlords in an apartment
building.
We're the Ropers!,
Yes! Yes! We could just drive and drive.
Exactly! We've earned the right to
live the empty-nesters' life
even though we're still full-nesters.
Oh, my God!
Do you remember that bottle of wine
we put aside the night Haley was born?
Yes! We were gonna open it
the night all three of them moved out.
And watch one of the thousands of movies
we missed
'cause they were sick or hungry
or choking on the head of a Power Ranger.
I am a woman who has never seen "Thelma and
Louise."
That's the only Harvey Keitel movie I've
missed!,
Where are we going?
Let's let the universe decide.
"Family is a gift you receive every day."
So they're making sarcastic ones now?
Squirrel!
I think we just ruined someone's
graduation.
Ay! I must have fallen asleep.
I don't see how.
The fumes coming off of that potion are
something else.
Yes. When we're done with this, don't throw
it out
because with a teaspoon, I can clean the
swimming pool.
Okay, Manny needs to see me in the garage.
I will be right back.
Yeah, but come right back
because this cannot stay longer than five
minutes.
Oh, and just for fun, what would happen

第 5 页 共 8 页

-【1486】-

if it stayed on for, say, I don't know, 17?
Well, they say that --
Ay, no!
No!
You used Joe's cape for this smelly thing?
- You know how important this is for him?
‭ - No.
It goes me, the cape, chocolate chip
cookies,
and then Jay!
Well, can't we just say Jay ruined it,
since he's already so far down the list?
Has anyone seen my cape?
Uh, no. What's it look like?
Like a cape!
Sorry. It's just so stressful.
You know what? I have to go to Manny.
Then I'll clean Joe's cape. Then I'll be
back.
It's okay. Go.
We will all be waiting for you here in
Cancun.
Something's wrong. There's oil everywhere!
Well, you probably just need to tighten the
drain plug.
You popped her tire?!
It's okay. It's all right.
Where does Jay keep his patch kit?
It took 20 minutes to find the light switch.
I'm gonna know where a patch kit is?
Don't panic. I saw one here earlier.
Here it is.
- Oh, no! No! - ‭ What?
That's Joe's cape!
Oh, no!
Joe loves this cape more than anything.
It goes me, the cape, chocolate chip
cookies --
Almost done, Manny?
Oh, hey.
Yeah, well, he would be if I wasn't out here
asking him so many questions about, you
know,
how to -- how to patch a tire, but like he
said,
the directions are written clearly down
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1487】-
Modern.Family.S08E21
inside the patch kit.
And then if you get in a real jam,
there's tons of videos online, anyway.
Shouldn't we give him some space?
Maybe get some -- some tea?
So, do you have a date for spring formal?
I probably won't even go. I have nothing
to wear.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It's not that big of a deal.
I mean, people are starving.
This isn't a sign, is it?
Well, it's not a sturdy one, but they're
only fifth-graders.
No! No, that we shouldn't have run away!
No. We're just gonna tie this off, hit the
open road,
and keep driving until the toilets flush
in the other direction.
Oh, God! Oh, no! It's floating away!
Oh! Oh, okay!
It's caught in the tree, we can reach it.
- Get on my shoulders! - What?
Right! Oh, yeah, right. Oh!
Okay, I forgot about that.
Oh, wait. Go forward!
It's too high!
Just reach for the string! Are you reaching
for the string?
No, I'm pretending I'm at a Def Leppard
concert!
It's right there! Just grab it!
I can't reach it, Phil!
I can't reach "The Next Chapter!"
Oh, my God. Let me down. Let me down.
- What? - Let me down.
What?
Don't you see what the universe is trying
to tell us?
We are never gonna reach the next chapter.
Luke's not going to college.
Haley's gonna grow old in the basement.
Alex is just gonna keep coming back to taunt
us
and use up our tissues!
I don't think the universe cares that much
 Modern.Family.S08E21
about us. It's one of your mom's dresses. Isn't that
Phil, we tried to run away, crazy?
and I can still see our chimney from here. I can see running it by a therapist.
It's over. So, car looks done.
Oh, yeah. This is it. Do you maybe want to, I don't know,
"Welcome... go get something to eat?
to our life!" Uh, sure! But I'm a little dirty.
Sweetheart, I-I am as upset as you are, So? It's cute.
but since when did anything work out the A word?
way we planned? See?
We didn't plan on having Haley. Good as --
We didn't plan on having Alex. No! Oh.
We did plan on having Luke, It looks like a monster ate it!
but we didn't plan on having Luke. Exactly.
I'm having a tantrum. And I love our kids, See? It tells a story.
I do. This burn is from when you fought a dragon!
Most of the time, I do. A-And these oil stains?
It's just I had this -- Well, they're from when you saved that
this picture of how our life would look 18-wheeler
right now. from going off a bridge.
This is not that. This is the cape of a superhero
No. who's always there for people in need.
Yeah. Fly away!
I get it. ‭ That was so nice, Cam.
Maybe... Thanks. You look better.
Maybe we don't have throw away the picture. And your fever's gone.
Just refocus it a little. I don't know what you put in my abuela's
Lug nut. Tire iron. potion,
Flugel hammer. Pigeon door. but it took care of the fever faster than
These are all nonsense words to me. ever.
I don't know what I'm doing here. Look! It even made my teeth whiter, huh?
Yeah, well, I don't know what I'm doing here, Oh! Wow. Look at that.
either. Here I was beating myself up because I
Am I so incapable of spending a night alone couldn't be alone,
that I had to come over here and create all and one could argue that everybody in this
this drama? house
No wonder Mitchell wanted to get away from is a little better off because of it.
me. Well, I lost a dress and the house smells
Hello? like smoke,
Oh! Hey, well, thank you, Manny, so I wouldn't be high-fiving myself that
for letting me tighten that last wheel much.
screw. Ah, yes, sir?
Maybe next week you could teach me how to Right?
street punch? Nobody keeps me on edge for 500 pages
Yeah. Sure! then decides they're just done writing.
Cam found it upstairs for me. Either end the damn story or don't even

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1488】-
 Modern.Family.S08E21
write it! Uh, hey, um... here's a --
Yes, exactly. It's a crazy thought.
God, for a minute, I thought I missed There's -- There's something old us could
something. never do
You did. without tears and screaming
The chance to read a great book on your one that I think new us might be able to handle.
night alone. It might help me out at home, you know, if
Well, at least the steak was good, right? -- if you're game.
Nice cut. Perfectly cooked. Lead with your elbow.
Terrific wine. Shift your weight.
What? What's -- What's funny? Follow through.
You. That's not bad.
The steak, the book, hell, this whole trip. No, it wasn't good, but I'm not crying
You're turning into me! and you haven't called me "Missy", so let's
No. No. Unh-unh. keep going.
No, no, no. Dad. No, no. They had no choice.
Hey. You're turning into me. The light turns red when you put something
How? on it,
The fact that you stayed with that book at green when the hook is free.
all, - I call it a Smart Hook. - So smart.
which is basically a love story between two I got the idea... when I was in a parking
men. garage.
It's a buddy thing! - You know those little lights... - Oh, God,
Oh, please! Dad. No, don't look.
Buddies don't find that many opportunities - Don't look. - What are they doing here?
to skinny-dip together. They're not gonna want to have brunch with
Every time they saw a body of water, us, are they?
it was off with the pants, splash! They can't! This is our day!
Come on. You're just making it worse. You think they see us?
Oh, my God! Your hands! Just keep walking.
That's what your spa appointment was. No sudden movements.
You got a manicure. The site maps say there's another cafe...
It's because Gloria said that my hands were - My book. - Leave it!
too rough.
It was her idea.
Considerate -- That's me.
Running from your family -- That's me.
Yeah, yeah.
Ah, I guess it's possible
that we both moved to the center a little.
Yeah, well, it makes sense.
It definitely makes things easier between
us.
A little less distance.
Yeah.
Yeah.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1489】-

Modern.Family.S08E22
What's cooking?
My mother's recipe -- guinea-pig pie.
Smells good.
You just accept that? It's pecan.
How cuckoo do you think my country is?
It's come to this --
"What's cooking" and "Smells good"
gets me in trouble?
Mom, you're already cooking for tomorrow?
Don't make a big deal.
My baby's graduating.
He won the award for Integrity and
Character.
"No absents, no tardies,
respectful to student and teachers alike."
My school had an award like that,
but instead of a sash, that kid
got a punch in the mouth.
Proud of you, though.
Why do all your stories involve a punch in
the face,
a shifty European, or a broad who's been
around the block?
That reminds me of when I had to rough up
this Italian kid
because he didn't want me dating his
sister.
She was no nun!
- Jay, can you please take care of the
steaks? ‭ - Sure.
On the eve of your big day, we're
celebrating with rib eyes,
and you and I are gonna have our first
scotch.
- Really?! ‭ - Yeah.
I've been waiting to open a special bottle.
Huh. Looks like the mice got into it.
Hello, hello?! Where's my son?
Dad!
What, did he hop the gate?
You came!
I said I'd come.
I know, but you came!
How could I miss it?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1490】-
Modern.Family.S08E22
Manny, the first member of my family
- to ever graduate from high school. -
‭ Wait a minute.
Don't you have a brother in Colombia who's
a doctor?
Yes.
He just does orthopedic surgery,
no brain or heart.
Think of it -- Tomorrow, I will watch you
stride across the stage with a sash,
like a rebel's bandolier
telling the world "No absents, no tardies."
Manny and I were gonna grill some steaks
and drink some, um, beers.
Thank you, Jay, but if it's all right with
you,
I would like to take Manny out
for a special father-son celebration.
Is that okay?
Ah, sure. I mean, he... made the effort to
come.
Didn't have time to button his shirt all
the way up.
But... go ahead.
Perfect! The night begins.
But first... here.
Walk through this.
I know that smells terrible,
but I've never seen that man get a mosquito
bite.
There he is -- the graduate.
I have one word for you, Luke -- Plastics.
I don't think he knows that movie, honey.,
Mrs. Dunphy, you're trying to seduce me.
Okay, let's just give him the gift, all
right?
Okay, but first, gather around, everybody!
Riddle me this --
What has two hands, is wound tight,
and has a lot of ticks?
Alex?
Good guess, but no.
This was made in Switzerland,
not in the Disneyland Hotel.
Awesome! A watch!
We wanted to give it to you early

so you could wear it to graduation today.
Yeah. It's shockproof.
Oh, good. You can show it your grades.
-I love it. - What time is it?
Time for my little man to go out in the world
and make his mark like the tiny trouper he
used to be.
Hold on. I'll be right back.
I remember when he was so small,
we'd give him a bath in the sink.
Here we go.
Dad, we really got to talk about the crying.
When we graduated, you were a mess, and it
was humiliating.
Showing emotion is part of being a sexy
modern man.
Ask anyone who was raised on Alan Alda.,
I don't think we have to worry
about him going anywhere anytime soon.
He just installed a mini fridge and a
hammock in his room.
Mom, Dad, you did all the hard work getting
me through high school.
You deserve a gift.
But what do you get the Cadillac of parents?
A Rolls-Royce.
Oh, my goodness!
How did you afford that?
It was only $2,000.
Judge Thompson, from the club, got me into
a police auction.
If I had 40 more dollars, you'd be looking
at a speedboat.
So, what do you think?
It's... It's wow.
Right?!
I loved the macaroni necklace he made me
in first grade,
and I even used the perfume he gave me in
fifth grade,
but this car is so gaudy.
People are gonna think I played for the
Knicks in the '70s.
It's the most beautiful gesture I have ever
seen.
It's 100% class.
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1491】-
Modern.Family.S08E22
Hey, Mom, didn't you say you had some
errands to run?
Oh. I -- In a little while.
Uh, s-- Yeah, but -- Um, gosh, it's got fur.
Wow.
It's like driving a lion.
Hey, before you go, give us a honk.
All right.
The horn doesn't help, does it?
So, I've narrowed it down to Swiss Coffee
and Whispering White.
But I can't decide between matte or satin.
I thought we landed on eggshell.
We decided against eggshell.
W-Why don't we just sell the house?
Why don't we just paint the floor eggshell
since that's what I'm walking on.
Okay. ‭ I forgot to give this to you.
Oh, thank you. Have a good day at school,
sweetie.
Bye, sweetie.
It's fourth grade. We're all just treading
water.
What is it?
Ah, well, it's -- it's from the principal's
office.
Is she in trouble?
No! She's...smart.
- She is? ‭ - That's what it says.
Are you sure it's not for Lily Rosen?
You were at that science fair.
She brought that frog back to life!
This is for our Lily.
T-They're suggesting that she skip fifth
grade
and go right into middle school next year.
"Lily is testing
- far above her grade level... ‭ - What?
...and we feel she would benefit
from a more challenging curriculum."
I know! All these years we thought that she
was, uh --
God, what's the word?
Different? Peculiar?
Odd? Mean?
So many words. But she was just really

smart.
Holed up in her room every day after school,
she wasn't --
plotting to kill us?
I was gonna say daydreaming.
They -- They want us to tour the school
today if possible.
This is so exciting.
Our little baby's a genius!
You know, um, I also skipped a grade.
I'm not saying I was a genius, but --
Good, because we're getting along so well
right now.
Here you go.
- Thanks so much. - Hey, guess what.
They want Lily to skip fifth grade.
Traditionally, the person who says "Guess
what"
also gets to say the what.
Wait a second. Lily's smart?
Look. ‭ I mean, there's proof of that?
Yeah. Right there. ‭ Yes.
They asked Alex to skip a grade, too...
It's not a competition, Claire.
...but we felt that it would be too much
stress
to have her with kids so much older.
Good for Lily! ‭ Yeah.
I just always thought she was, you know...
- So did we. - Yeah. Us too. Yeah.
How was your big night with Javier?
I overindulged.
- Booze or burgers? - ‭ Booze.
I drank so much, I had an angry slap fight
with what turned out to be a mirror.
Do I hear my Manny?!
When you're hungover, it's like a car
alarm.
Ay. Hola, papi!
Happy graduation day!
That's delightful.
I need your sash and your gown.
So that I can press it.
I don't want anyone looking wrinkly.
I don't mean you,
but it's fun that you're right there.
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1492】-
Modern.Family.S08E22
I, uh, left them at school. I'll run over
there.
Mama, I have a stomachache.
And my ankle is broken.
And you can walk
with your broken ankle?
I had a cousin got out of Vietnam that way.
Whenever Manny's getting
a lot of attention,
Joe gets very needy --
"My head," "My arm."
In Colombia, we say,
"If it's not bleeding, shut your guinea-pig
hole."
We actually do eat guinea pig.
Call me back, Dad!
It's an emergency!
What's wrong?
I kind of misplaced my cap and gown and
sash.
Maybe they're at that strip club you went
to last night.
Shh! How did you know?
It's all over your face.
My shame?
Glitter. ‭ Ohh.
Tell me what happened.
We picked up my graduation stuff on the way,
and --
I don't know. I guess the tassel got my dad
thinking.
Why didn't you leave them in the car?
I didn't want them to get stolen.
And I may have taken it out
to impress a certain Chyna with a "y."
I think she really liked me.
I'm not gonna spoil that one for ya.
I graduate in five hours!
We'll get you another cap and gown.
That sash has been worn by every honoree
for decades.
I'm not gonna be the one to lose it
after it's survived earthquakes and wars
and the lunchroom gravy fire of '64!
- Fine. Where is this place? - I don't know!
I remember there was a lot of brass and
 Modern.Family.S08E22
mirrors accelerated students.
and loud '80s music. But if Lily really is gifted,
Well, that narrows it down. then maybe there's another path -- private
Wait. Uh, it was by the airport. schools.
All right. We'll find it. I'll take you. Although, I do love the diversity of a
Don't worry. It'll be our little secret. public school.
Thank you, Jay. - On the other hand, I do wonder -- - Okay,
What happened to him? you know what?
‭ I'm back. We're just deciding if she's gonna skip a
We need to talk to you. Sit down. grade.
What's going on? We're not charting out the next 20 years
Don't say anything. of her life.
Just watch. Well, no, choices have consequences.
Baby pictures of Luke? If we don't do this right,
More than baby pictures. she could lose all interest in school and
You're gonna watch Luke grow up to sappy drop out,
music. and the next thing you know, we're
Why are you doing this? supporting her
To get all the crying out of your system and her deadbeat boyfriend and our savings
so you don't melt down at the graduation. are drained,
It's like when you drink too much and then we have to sell the house!
and your friends get you super-wasted Okay, why do all your meltdowns
so you never drink again for the rest of - have to do with us selling the house? -
the week. I'm just saying --
It's the first time he saw snow. - We're gonna give you guys a minute, okay?
Oh, here, Dad. - ‭ Okay.
Thank you. Lily, do you want to see the computer lab?
His baby blanket?! Why?! This feels like a good time to tell you I'm
Hey, nice car, Grey Gardens!, adopted.
It was a gift from my son! Maybe Claire's right.
What the hell? Maybe it's too much pressure for her to skip
You call that a tiger? a grade.
And we're very proud of our I did it, and I'm fine.
state-of-the-art computer lab. I'm sorry. Um -- Hey, w-what does "uh-huh"
It's so weird -- Every time I step into a mean?
middle school, Well, perhaps you're not the...best
I feel like I'm 14 ag-a-in. advertisement
That...was on me. He wasn't gonna do for skipping a grade.
anything. So, wait. You're afraid Lily's gonna turn
How much is his therapy costing again? out like me?
We used to think that was snark. I'm just saying that maybe you skipping a
Now we know it's wit. ‭ Yeah. grade
Uh, Mr. Peterson, we just want to be certain put too much pressure on you,
that this environment's the right fit for and it exacerbated your neurotic
Lily. tendencies,
We have a lot of experience dealing with and now you can't even make a tiny, little

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1493】-

decision
about, you know... paint.
Wow! I can--
Y-You -- I don't have to just st--
Oh, you think you are so s--
You can't decide how to storm off, can you?
I am...
Luke's first haircut.
He gave me bangs.
Well, that's it.
Hopefully you're all cried out.
You remember when he hid that mouse trap
under the pillow
to catch the tooth fairy?
Dad, we got to start getting ready for the
graduation.
Yeah, so maybe splash some cold water on
your face
and wrap it up.
Do you guys remember that "Luke Loves
Daddy" rap?
* My name is Luke Dunphy *
* And I'm here to say *
* I love Daddy *
I thought you said he'd be cried out by now.
Dad, please, you really got to stop.
That's what he said when I was the tickle
monster!
Mama, now my tooth hurts.
Well, I guess you can't have cake today.
What if it's my leg?
Claire, I guess I'm picking up the cake
myself,
because you didn't answer my messages.
Hey, Claire, are you having fun at the Gym
Town?
As a matter of fact, I am.
This is my new friend, Charlie.
He loves dinosaurs,
and tomorrow we're both gonna have pink
eye.
Hi, Charlie!
Can you go and find the negligent adult that
brought you here?
Oh, do you have to go so soon?
He smells so good!
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1494】-
Modern.Family.S08E22
Yeah, you're like two sniffs away from a
felony.
What is going on?
I gave Phil such a hard time
for being too emotional about Luke's
graduation,
but I think it's hitting me more than I want
to admit.
I know. It happens so fast.
Luke used to love coming here.
Today he gave us a Rolls-Royce.
The one outside is yours?
I thought I was gonna be able to meet Mr.
Burt Reynolds!,
You're lucky. When Manny goes, you still
have Joe.
Yeah, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
We just have face it --
They're not boys anymore. They're men.
Luke has a job, and he's dating.
He can serve on a jury. God, that's
terrifying.
I know. Manny ditched us last night to go
drinking.
He thinks I don't know, but I know.
He smelled like a sweaty peppermint.
I saw the pictures that he texted Luke from
the strip club.
Is that where Javier took him?
Oh. You did not know that. I'm sorry.
But it -- it looked like one of the classier
establishments.
The girl that was sitting on Manny's lap
had on a really cute top,
at -- at least in the first picture.
The one time that I thought
that he was going to be a good father,
and he teaches Manny how to be a dog!
I'm gonna kill him!
Hey, look at me! I'm about to talk to a
stranger!
Oh, yes. This is it. This is the one.
Ugh. It wasn't this depressing last night.
The lunch scene in a strip joint
is like a refugee camp with less hope.
Excuse me.

Uh, my friend left some personal belongings
here last night.
Anything left behind, uh, goes in the lost
and found.
Thank you.
There's a jacket... glasses...
...hairpiece, I hope...
- What about my stuff?! - Nope.
There's a lot of wedding rings in here,
though.
Sir, we're in a big hurry.
Have you seen a cap and gown and sash?
Gentlemen, put your hands together for...
Val the Dictorian!
She definitely looks like she knows stuff.
Credit where credit is due --
She put together a pretty solid act in very
little time.
Can you just please help me get my stuff
back?
Miss?
Miss? Val?
Hi. Heh. Here's the thing.
The gown, everything --
He actually left them here last night.
I was having a tete-a-tete with Chyna.
She probably mentioned me. Hope I didn't
lead her on.
See, I'm going to college soon, and I --
and I don't want any loose ends.
I'm in the middle of my act.
Sure, but the thing is he's got to get it
back,
so if you could strip a little more in our
direction...
I'm such a screw-up.
"Integrity."
It should say "Perverted Schnapps Maniac."
Oh, God.
It smells like Miss Dictorian's perfume.
I can't wear this. I'm a fraud.
No absents? Oh, I've got one big absent --
my soul.
Manny, you've spent your whole life trying
to be perfect,
and this is throwing you for a loop -- I
第 6 页 共 8 页
-【1495】-
Modern.Family.S08E22
get it.
But if you just look around this room,
you'll realize people make mistakes.
You could do way worse than you did last
night,
and it ain't gonna change a thing.
So my advice -- try to be a little easier
on yourself.
Thanks, Jay.
Oh, God, there's Chyna.
Pretending to ignore me!
She's as transparent as her pumps.
James Earl Carter.
Have you seen my booboo?
Ohh! Poor baby! Mwah.
Nicole Ingrid Cortez.
Can you please move over? I have to kill
someone.
Charles Mark Coleson.
I hope that you had fun last night.
Oh, I did. It was a magical time.
- Lucy Coleson. - ‭ I can't believe that you
--
Me either. Look at our son over there, eh?
- He's perfect. - ‭ Yeah, and then you come
along
- and you expose him to all this -- - ‭ Me?
It was you who exposed him to so many
amazing things.
You raised him to be a wonderful man without
my help.
Every single thing that is good about him
is because of you.
I'm sorry?
I'm sorry.
Thank you for being the finest mother to
our son.
Damn it. You're welcome.
I'm sorry about earlier.
It's not that I don't want Lily to be like
you --
No, no. Hey. You're right, okay?
I'm an indecisive mess.
Of course I don't want that for her.
And for the record,
I don't want her to be like me, either.

Ohh! ‭ It's not like I'm exactly an
overachiever.
That's true.
Yeah, you jumped on that one pretty quick.
If you care about what I think...
- ...I want to skip.
Are you sure, sweetie? Because it's a lot
of pressure.
- I can handle it. - But what about all your
friends?
I mean, look at -- look at these kids.
A lot of them have known each other since
kindergarten.
I'll make new friends. Kids really like me.
So...she's popular?
I don't know.
Phil, I'm sorry I gave you grief earlier.
Today has hit me much harder than I thought
it would.
It's okay to be emotional.
It's too late. I'm all cried out.
It's like there's no more moisture left in
my body.
I'm afraid if I blink, my eyes will get
stuck.
Hmm. Really?
Do you remember that video where the lion
greets the man...
...and hugs him 'cause he hasn't seen him
in 20 years?
Yep. I sure do. I am...dead inside.
Manuel Alberto Delgado.
Bravo, Manny! Baby!
Mwah! You did it, buddy!
Lucas Phillip Dunphy.
Whoo! My baby, my baby!
Well done, son.
Remember how cute he was
in his little Buzz Lightyear costume?
Or how he used to say "Burfday" and
"Li-bary"?
He still does.
This is... tearing me up.
Congrats, buddy.
Why does your gown smell like Haley's
perfume?
Modern.Family.S08E22
This is a fun game, isn't it? But you know
what?
Maybe one where we just sat at a table...
Congratulations on the first
of what I'm sure will be many diplomas.
Unless you want to skip all that
and move to Colombia and become a
radiologist.
Thanks for helping me with the cap-and-gown
mess.
I don't know what I would have done without
you.
I'm just happy you and your dad
got to have some father-son time last
night.
Yeah.
What?
It's just with me graduating and
everything,
I kind of wanted to say --
you and me today, you know,
that's what I think of as father-son time.
Let me tell you something.
After my divorce,
my rule for dating was no kids.
And then you and your mom came along,
and all of that went right out the window.
What I'm trying to say is...
...here's to you, son.
You know, I'm still kind of hungover.
You're a man now! Power through!
The thing is, we love the car.
We were so moved by the gesture.
So moved.
Hey! I'm back!
I guess I just needed to rehydrate.
But we can't keep it.
Honey, it's just -- It's too generous.
But I love you guys so much.
You're the graduate. You need the car. It's
yours.
I don't know what to say.
How 'bout "Nailed it"?
I wanted that sweet ride from the moment
I saw it,
but I knew my parents would never let me

第 7 页 共 8 页

-【1496】-
 Modern.Family.S08E22
get it. Okay. What else?
I also knew they'd never keep it if I gave A photo of Lily shaking hands with the
it to them, so... governor?!
If there were any S.A.T. questions What? When?!
about tricking your parents, I'd be going Okay, maybe we need to start paying more
to college. attention.
Come on, you guys. Let's roll. Or if it ain't broke...
You guys leaving already? - Yeah, she's fine. - ‭ She's fine.
Yeah, we all have plans.
Wait. Lily?
There are nine girls who will freak
if I don't make an appearance at Jenna's.
I'm confused. I-Is she fun?
Come on.
Ooh, nice ride!
Bye-bye!
- See ya later! - Bye!
- Bye! - Bye!
Oh, my gosh! Luke is driving!
They didn't even stay for dessert!
Oh, God. They're really gone.
It's so sad.
But isn't it what we hoped for?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
A toast.
We raised them to be independent,
and now they're out in the world having
their own lives.
We did it.
- Salud! ‭ - To us!
Oh, sorry I missed the first part,
but I'll drink to whatever you're toasting.
Top me off!
Uh...what are you doing?
Well, I'm just trying to see
if there's anything else about Lily we
haven't noticed.
Like -- she plays golf?
No, we would know. Aren't there greens
fees?
And what about this? ‭ Huh?
"La Dolce Vita"?
She likes Italian films?
Well, no wonder she thought
Collision Course" was boring.
I liked it.

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1497】-

Modern.Family.S09E01
Kids, breakfast! Luke, why don't you have
some fruit?
Nah, I'm good.
Fine. I'll have some.
Phil! Slow down!
I'm sorry, Claire.
Unlike at home, I'm the captain here.
Damn it, Phil, knock it off!
Copy that.
You know, I like having these.
We should get some for the house.
No, you're not going to ask me "What time
is lunch?"
every day through a talkie-walkie.
Cam, we need to talk about this.
We -- We have these lamps at home.
Okay, we have boat lamps.
I know. It's so validating.
It's like that time we saw our can opener
in that dog-food commercial.
We rented a houseboat.
My dad wanted us to take a big lake trip
so we could see the first total eclipse in
99 years.
You know, growing up on a farm,
I always fantasized about lake life.
Yeah. You know, ?anyone can go to the lake.
Only the elite can sleep on it.
My parents used to take Claire and me
every summer when we were kids.
Oh, I just never dreamed I would marry into
a lake family.
We have this pillow, too.
I'm beginning to question our taste.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. We have great
taste.
What's all this, then?
The doctor said absolutely no sun
while I'm on these antibiotics.
And what would happen?
Because if it's anything short of death,
I-I think you should risk it.
- Morning. - Good Morning! Who's hungry?
Manny, how do you take your eggs?
第 1 页 共 8 页
-【1498】-
Modern.Family.S09E01
Like God made 'em.
Manny, what are you doing?
This isn't Manny.
It's Manuel.
He's trying to reinvent himself for
college.
He's going for a strong, silent type.
?Hey, don't try to define me, man.
"Manuel"'s gonna last five minutes.
It is what it is, man.
All right, everybody, listen up.
- The eclipse is happening at exactly --
- We know, we know, we know.
- We know exactly when it's happening, Dad.
- ?Yeah.
You told us.
Then just make sure you get back here
- so we can watch it together. - No problem.
Hey, Dad, you know Hugh Duncan from Just
Closets?
That pretentious half-Brit
that refers to closets as "wardrobes"?
He died.
Son of a gun. I always liked him.
Yeah, something like that happens
makes you realize how precious life is,
huh?
Morning, fam!
Somebody kill me.
Ben and I have been dating a few months now,
and things have been going so well,
I decided to invite him on our family
vacation.
We knew it would take some --
I could listen to you talk forever.
We knew it would take some convincing.
It's bad enough that I have to see Ben's
stupid face
at the office every day.
You want to bring him on our trip?
Just because he bugs you
doesn't mean this will ruin your vacation.
He's a huge reason why I need a vacation!
I mean, I can see both sides.
Ohhh. Does anyone know if these pancakes
are gluten-free?

- I can't! - ?Why? What's wrong?
I can't listen to you talk about gluten
anymore!
Or mouth guards or airborne allergens
or any of your other weird afflictions!
- Has anyone seen my big hat? - ?No.
You know what? Traveling together was a big
mistake.
Let's just... do our own thing.
A-all right.
What are you guys up to today?
- Water skiing. - Boat stuff.
Ay, no.
What am I looking at?
Okay, relax. You all act like you've never
seen a caftan before.
I just needed full breathable coverage
today.
The fact that it looks so great is just a
bonus.
- What's that? - ?"Groovy Guppies."
I'm gonna binge-watch the last season.
I never heard of it.
Get out of whatever your mommy's got you
doing.
Your life is about to change.
I'm going down to the little store to buy
some sunglasses.
I'm thinking something fun.
All right. Well, don't get anything too
garish.
Hey, sexy! Party on the island!
Come by!
- Yum! - Yum!?
- What are you doing? - What was that?
- That was a boy! - That was a girl!
- What are you talking about?! - What are
you talking about?!
Whatever that was,
we're going to his/her party before Ben
finds me.
Team Dunphy, D to the five. You guys ready
to go?
Yeah, what do you feel like doing?
We were thinking maybe a hike?
A little flora, fauna, and --
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1499】-
Modern.Family.S09E01
Forget it. We're going to a party.
But if you're looking for something fun,
the rental guy gave us this pamphlet.
Thanks. We already got one, but --
Oh. Yours is different.
Parasailing, wakeboarding...
jetpacking?
Ours has sunrise chair yoga,
watercolors at water's edge,
and something called... cloud study?
Yeah, they gave that one to Grandpa, too.
We got the old people one?
No! Why would they do that?
Looks like you guys got some fluffy ones
out today.
That one looks like a bunny.
Oh, yeah.
Ah. It feels like we're in St. Tropez.
I don't trust lakes.
Where I come from, this is where we dump
drugs and dead bodies.
You know what?
I am gonna give you a little boat tour
and show you this lake in all of its glory,
but you need to keep an open mind.
Okay, fine.
Let's ride around the liquid graveyard.
Mama, riding on small boats makes my tummy
hurt.
Can I stay with Lily?
Si, papi.
It was Scotty -- this local lake kid
I met on vacation when I was 13.
I had a huge crush on him, so on the last
day,
I decided to take a chance and I kissed him.
It was my first time ever kissing a boy,
so when he pulled away
and said that he wasn't "into this,"
I was humiliated.
I mean, I'd obviously misread signals. He
was straight.
It was five years before I ever made a move
on a guy again.
And even then, I wouldn't dare
unless he was basically floating across the

room.
Which is why I ended up with --
Well, you know.
Finding everything okay, buddy?
Yeah.
Just, uh, first time here, so, uh...
You look familiar. Do I know you?
No! Nah, nah, nah.
Just picking up a few, uh, lake essentials.
Okay.
Are you robbing me?
God, no. No, um...
You know what? Good.
I started reading the tributes to Hugh
Duncan on Facebook.
There were a ton of them.
People going on and on about what a great
guy he was.
"Grandpa Hugh once gave me a vintage
stethoscope,
which inspired me to become a pediatric
oncologist."
Made me wonder what people will say about
me when I'm gone.
Honey, I want you to have my telescope.
May it inspire you to love science.
I already love science.
This feels like a real turning point.
You know, it's a story you'll want to tell
people.
"He always told me to reach for the stars."
Thanks?
Alex! Where are you?
Ohh! It's Ben. ?Tell him you haven't seen
me.
I don't want to talk to him.
Alex?
We'll only be gone for a couple hours.
Joe and Lily will be fine.
Oh, wait. Look.
There's that nice lake butler
that helped me earlier with my bags.
Senor. Senor.
Could you take care of our kids for a couple
of hours?
I will pay you double what you make working
第 3 页 共 8 页
-【1500】-
Modern.Family.S09E01
for the lake.
Seriously?
You know me.
We rode to the airport together.
Can you watch our kids or not?
Actually, I'm kind of, uh --
Alex?
Any food allergies I should know about?
This is fun -- just the two of us.
Yeah. And the walking sticks are a real game
changer.
Hold the phone. We've hit a vista.
Looks like you're not the only mountain
chickadee around here.
You spotted one?
When it's your turn, note her black bib.
Okay.
- Oh, my God. - ?Isn't she majestic?
Phil, we're them.
We're the cover of ?the old people's
pamphlet.
Well, that's a fine "How do ya do."
Oh, even this guy wouldn't say that!
You're right!
What is wrong with us?
Look!
That's what we should be doing!
We just need to find ways to stay young and
adventurous.
I'm with you, honey.
- Let's go! - ?Yes! Yes!
I don't need you anymore!
Boy, you really get used to those things.
It's not that I want to be mean to Ben.
He can just be so annoying sometimes.
And I know nobody's perfect,
but does that mean I have to ignore all of
his flaws?
Or is the issue me?
A-Am I just looking for something that
doesn't exist?
Am I even capable of loving someone
unconditionally?
We get it. You have a boyfriend.
Hey, there's that guy's jet ski.
That girl's jet ski.
 Modern.Family.S09E01
Whatever it was, it was into me, and I'm No, an actual bait shop.
kissing it. And I came on to him years ago.
Keep this dry for me, Pretty. It turns out he was straight.
We walked around that whole island. And I'm -- I'm still traumatized by it.
No hot boys, girls -- nothing. Let me give you some advice.
Just a bunch of birds. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it.
And not even hot birds. You got that?
Hey, where's our boat? Wait. What?
It's gone. Go talk to the guy.
And so are their jet skis. Run toward embarrassment, not away from it,
They lured us out here and stole our stuff. and you take away its power.
You idiot. You thought that girl really That's actually not the worst advice.
liked you. It's great advice.
"Hugh was the world's greatest In fact, you should write it down.
father-in-law. It feels quotable.
He was always there for me, ready to lend You know what?
a helping hand." I am. I'm going back there.
What are you doing, Phil? You got this, Mitchell.
Oh, I'm just waiting out here Just think of it as one more time
while Claire changes for our cliff dive. when your dad helped you out with all this
Looks like you could use some help with that gay business.
pesky sunscreen. Yeah, okay.
- Really? ?- Yeah. Oh, Gloria, have you ever seen such
Thanks! ? pristine blue water?
There you go. Is that a floating duffel bag?
It tickles! No, that's just a buoy.
- Listen, Phil -- ?I know, I know. A boy?!
- This never happened. - Oh, it happened. No, a buoy. A --
Never forget how these strong Oh, my caftan's stuck in the --
father-in-law hands The sun!
gave you pleasure. Almost done.
"My dad, Hugh, once gave me the best advice Just a few more puffs, okay?
-- Can't we just watch "Groovy Guppies"?
have the courage to choose your own path, Trust me, this will be way more fun.
not the path others expect of you. Don't worry. He'll be fine.
Those words changed my life forever." Go faster!
What's going on, son? It's not a violin. ?You're trying to start
I know there's a story there, and I really a fire.
care. Hey, chill, man!
It's nothing. That's never gonna work.
Walls down, please. We need a better way to let someone know
Ugh. Okay, fine. we're out here.
Um, it's really embarrassing. Anyone have a mirror?
Uh, I ran into this guy who works at the Good idea. We can reflect the sun onto a
bait shop. passing plane.
Is that a gay bar? No, I just have a feeling that my hair

第 4 页 共 8 页

-【1501】-

looks really good right now.
I got a splinter in my pinkie!
I think we have a time of death on Manuel.
Shut up! It's your fault
for making me rub those sticks together so
fast.
My fault? ?We wouldn't even be out here
if it weren't ?for these two lizard brains
not being able ?to keep it in their pants.
You're just jealous because we don't hate
ourselves
for being attracted to other people.
Please! I'm not accepting a psych
evaluation
from somebody who texted me for help
getting out of ?the bathroom this morning.
Boat locks are different!
He's right, you know.
This is your first time bringing a boy on
vacation,
and the second he sat down with the whole
family,
things started to get a little too real for
you.
So you started to pick Ben apart
so you could justify pushing him away.
I don't think I do that.
Do I do that?
I do do that.
When you think about it, I'm in a similar
situation.
College is getting a little real,
and maybe I'm nervous about a whole new
group of people
rejecting me, so I hid Manny away.
After all...
can't hurt a man they'll never meet.
- Ugh. I miss Manuel. - Yeah.
- Oh, hi. - ?Uh-oh. Here to rob me again?
Sorry about that. I-I didn't mean to scare
you.
Oh, no. ?You didn't scare me at all.
As a matter of fact, I'm the one robbing
you.
Back in town, these worms are 5 cents each.
Ah. So, um, listen.
第 5 页 共 8 页
-【1502】-
Modern.Family.S09E01
We -- We actually do know each other.
Uh, Mitchell Pritchett. Summer of '89?
I let you have my Nintendo Game Boy?
Mitchy Pritchy! Of course!
You were mad about that Game Boy
'cause your dad got you that
instead of, like, some Cher album.,
"If I Could Turn Back Time." ?
Which brings me to why I'm here.
Um, I don't know if you remember this,
but I tried to kiss you once, and I've --
I've just always -- I've felt really
terrible about it.
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah. ?No, I barely remember that.
We had a great summer. Don't think twice
about it.
Oh! That is -- that is such a relief.
Remember we stole my dad's truck and took
it to the casino?
- Right. - ?I was trying to cheer you up
because that bully kept pushing you in the
lake.
Claire. Yeah. No, we're cool now.
Um, so, listen, good to see you.
Great to see you.
Oh, and, hey, listen. Thank you so much for
understanding.
A lot of straight guys wouldn't have been
so nice.
Straight? I'm not straight.
I'm sorry. What?
I'm gayer than ?three crawdaddies in a
bucket.
Were you guys looking for bait?
I just got in some California Short Worms
that are definitely not regular worms cut
in half.
You ready to do this?
So ready!
Jumping off this cliff represents
jumping into our future as adventurers.
Okay. ?Count of three.
One, two, three!
Phiiiilllll!
Honey...
 Modern.Family.S09E01
- What happened? - ?I'm so sorry. did you realize that you were gay?
I bailed at the last second. Oh, no, it was -- it was years before that.
But I'm ready now. I promise. Oh. Okay. So -- So, back then,
- Ready? - ?One, two, three! when you said that you -- you weren't "into
Come o-- this,"
Oh. Hey. There you are. you meant that you weren't into me.
Um, I feel like you - Well... - ?Because I must have been the
jumped on "two." Oh! only gay kid
Honey, jumping -- it's fun. It's really - around for miles, right? - ?Oh, I don't
fun. --
But the point was to do it with you. Yeah, I mean, technically, yeah.
So if that's gonna be a problem -- Let me get this right.
No, I-I definitely want to do it. You're in the middle of nowhere, with no
It's just that I'm having other options,
a hard time getting my legs to cooperate. at an age where a boy gets excited by the
Okay. ?You're gonna have to push me. wind,
- Are you sure? - ?Yes. and you looked at me, and you said, "Ooh,
Just one hard push, and I'm good. pass."
Okay. W-- I --
Here... I'm sorry.
we... I feel bad.
go -- It was 30 years ago, though.
Oh, come o-- You want some... free bait?
Stop rocking this thing so much. Have a lure?
I am getting seasick. Apparently, I don't have allure.
Well, you poor thing. Maybe if you had -- Okay, Gloria, there's a store.
Uh-oh! Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp, Go in there. Get me something to cover me
cramp! up with -- anything.
Calf's cramping up! Calf's cramping up! But if there is a color choice, avoid yellow
Gloria, I need you to rub my calf! and green.
No! I'm not gonna touch that water! It washes me out.
Gloria, I'm in so much pain! Oh, yeah, Cam, ?I would love to help you
You got to put a little pressure on it! --
Put a little pressure on my calf! the same way you helped me fall into that
Okay, fine! filthy lake!
I can't get it. Hey, kids! Watch out for the naked man!
I'm in the lake! - What? Gloria? - ?Good luck.
I'm in the lake! Gloria!
Ay, no! Ay! Ay! Claire!
Oh! What do you know? My cramp's gone. Claire!!
Hi, again. Quick question. Look!
No refunds on the bait. I got a jetpack!
They were alive when you bought them. I don't want to be the one to hold you back!
Oh. Hey, Mitchy. Sorry. I didn't think it'd be this hard to contr--
Just curious -- um, how long after we hung Phil! ?
out Oh, my God!

第 6 页 共 8 页

-【1503】-

Look! We're not boring!
We're still adventurous!
I can see that!
I'm so proud of you!
I love you so much.
Claire?
Oh, no, honey. Don't worry.
I-It's just the eclipse.
I can't tell if I'm headed up or down!
Hello darkness, my old friend
Where is everybody?
Ah, who needs them?
This is a pretty special moment, huh, Joey?
Eh, you're never gonna remember any of
this.
If you don't mind,
I -- I do want to go outside and see the
eclipse.
Oh, I'm not done. ?Just -- Just so you know,
plenty of people find me very attractive,
okay,
including my amazing husband, who is no
slouch himself.
Hi. Do you sell muumuus?,
And I am gonna go find him right now.
- Hey, what's that? - Oh, my God! It's Ben!
He came to rescue me!
I was out there all alone.
And then it got really dark.
And I'm so thirsty.
Ew! I got mud on me.
I'm so sorry I lashed out at you.
I think I do it when I start getting close
to someone.
But I want to be close to you.
I want that, too.
Come on. We can use this as an oar.
Oh, there's not enough room for all of us.
Well, the two of us can stay while you --
I'll come back for you!
All right.
Well, well, well. Look who finally showed
up.
Maybe we can try this again in another 99
years.
Actually, there'll be another total
第 7 页 共 8 页
-【1504】-
Modern.Family.S09E01
eclipse again
- in the next seven years. - No one wants
your stupid science, Alex!
I asked for one thing --
to share a memory with all of us with me
at the center of it!
And by the way,
I had to pay surge boat rates because of
eclipse fever!
?This is an all-time rant.
Oh, yeah, top three. It goes Christmas '84,
that wedding where he ordered the pork
but they gave him the chicken instead,
and eclipse weekend.
The only reason I went to that wedding
was because of the damn pork!
Is this gonna be the only thing you guys
remember about me?!
Does this have something to do with Hugh
Duncan dying
and all those Facebook tributes?
- No!! - Wait, w-were you trying to
manufacture nice moments
so that we'll say good things about you when
you're gone?
Wait. Is that why you gave me your
telescope?
And the -- the sunscreen? That wasn't real?
I don't want to talk about this!
Jay, where are you going?!
Oh, for God's sakes! Dad! Come back!
Grandpa, stop!
We have tons of great memories of you!
You're just saying that!
Someone think of an example!
You used to bring me back magnets
every time you went away on a business trip!
It was so thoughtful!
Yeah, when you found out I was into almond
milk,
you went to Costco and got me that giant
thing of almond milk!
Well, you like it, and it doesn't go bad.
When my mom died, you texted me every day
for a week to check on me!
You always save me the red gummy bears
 Modern.Family.S09E01
because they're my favorite!
And me the green ones!
Also, the nice life and stuff!
And -- And -- And you're really good
at saving old pictures of me and Mitchell
as kids!
Getting a little general.
"Run toward embarrassment, not away from
it,
and you take away its power"!
I'm always gonna remember that!
Good enough.
"Run toward embarrassment"?
What does that even mean?
I don't know. He needs this.
Why would you push me in like that?
Relax. Everybody laughed.
♪ Turn around. ♪
♪ Every now and then ♪
♪ I get a little bit lonely ♪
♪ and you're never coming round. ♪
♪ Turn around. ♪
Me. ♪ Every now and then I get a little bit
tired of ♪
♪ listening to the sound of my tears. ♪
♪ Turn around, ♪
♪ bright eyes. ♪
- Who? - Dad.
Come on Jay, everybody will remember it.
That's extortion.
Come on.
♪ Every now and then I fall apart ♪
- There it is. - ♪ and I need you now tonight
♪
♪ and I need you more than ever. ♪
Is this even a song?
Total eclipse of the heart - Bonnie Tyler,♪
Once upon a time, ♪
♪ I was falling in love, ♪
♪ but now I'm only falling apart. ♪
♪ There's nothing I can do ♪
♪ with a total eclipse of the heart. ♪
Hey. Where's Ben?

第 8 页 共 8 页

-【1505】-
 Modern.Family.S09E02
Sometimes, she studies so hard
Modern.Family.S09E02 she forgets about the little things.
Hey, Mitchell. Claire. Saturday morning. I'll be at the library.
Look, I need you to buy Mom a birthday Uh, honey...aren't you forgetting
present something?
and say it's from the both of us. That was close.
Okay, thanks. Bye-bye -- God.
No, I know it's not a voicemail. I'm on it.
I just don't want to hear you whine about So, this is the place I'll call home for
it. the next four years.
No, no, no, those are for Alex. And because you're a theater major,
I'm taking them up to her dorm today. probably the biggest apartment you'll ever
You know how stressed she gets. have.
She can always use a little comfort from There are two things I want to avoid my
her loving mom. first day of school:
Why does Alex get a care package and not getting caught leaving the shower in my
me? aqua shoes,
You live in a care package. and a tearful goodbye.
Haley, put your face on and get up here! My classmates are gonna see me cry
We're gonna be late for work! eventually.
I'm saving up to get my own apartment, I'd prefer it be during a curtain call.
so I've been working at the club with Luke. I am Colombian,
For Luke. so it's against my nature to give Manny what
Kid's my best cart girl. he wants:
I deliver drinks to golfers. a cold, white-people goodbye.
Tips are good, but, uh... it took me a But I know he's sensitive,
couple days and he's having a hard time leaving the
to learn the finer points of the game. nest,
Cocktails, boys? so I'm gonna give it to him.
On your left. Good luck, chum.
Is that Alex's old bike? Where do you want your espresso machine?
Yes, totally rebuilt. On my desk is fine.
It only took me three months and two tetanus And don't worry, Trevor.
shots. We'll pay for the beans with the money from
She's been dropping hints about wanting our swear jar.
some wheels. Don't forget -- no coffee after 4:00,
Are you sure she didn't mean a -- or you get the nightmares.
Unicycle? No. She definitely said I think I can take it from here.
"wheels." Thank you both for all of your help.
Well, the basket's perfect for loading up Sure thing.
the toiletries. We will keep in touch, son.
Remember last time we went up there? Well, my friend,
She was washing her hair with the powdered you have just witnessed the rare perfect
soap from the ladies room. goodbye.
Alex is an intelligent, accomplished -- History records but few flawless
- You can just say it. ?- Scatterbrain. farewells:

第 1 页 共 8 页

-【1506】-

Oscar Wilde's deathbed bon mot,,
Rhett Butler not giving a --,
Damn it.
I left my white noise machine at home.,
Now I have to go back there,
and risk ruining our perfect goodbye.
But you're gonna thank me, Trevor.
There's something soothing about constant
background noise that...
Trev?
One gin and tonic.
I hope you're not... driving.
Sorry, that's usually a big hit with the
golfers.
It was hilarious.
But I'm trying to avoid laugh lines.
I get that.
I don't want crow's feet, so I never squint,
even if a cop is shining his flashlight
directly in my eyes.
Once a week, I sleep in a wetsuit full of
Vaseline.
It shows.
It was like meeting myself in 30 years.
Turns out, I really held up.
Good morning, Ms. Rappaport.
Oh, hello...
- Duke, is it? ?- Yes.
Haley, shouldn't you be getting back to
your cart?
Rhonda asked me to sit down.
There's a rule against staff fraternizing
with members,
and you wouldn't want to make trouble for
whoever
stuck their neck out to get you this job.
Oh, I recommend sticking your neck out.
It's the only nonsurgical way to prevent
champagne chin.
- Speaking of which, um... - Oh, here. Let
me get --
Oh, no, no, no, You sit. He's up.
You can top me off, too, Duke.
I am loving this new smoothie kick.
I-I feel like I've had more green
vegetables today
第 2 页 共 8 页
-【1507】-
Modern.Family.S09E02
than my dad's had in a lifetime.
What I love about your smoothie kick
is how much you talk about it.
Okay, if you're gonna be mean, be funny.
Aim for the bumps.
Cal likes a bit of a bumpy ride
on account of I drove a tractor into my
fourth trimester.
Oh, that sound makes me so nervous.
Some poor family is about to have their life
turned upside down.
they seem to be turning down our street.
So, I-I know that they're-they're heroes
and all,
but a-are they sweeping up or is that on
us?
Okay, you know what? We're gonna have to
totally rebuild,
down to the studs.
I'm distraught.
Are ya?
I'm not saying Cam definitely set the fire.
It could have been anyone who's spent years
searching for a way to justify the remodel
of our kitchen.
Are you actually accusing me of starting
this fire
just so we could rebuild our hideous
kitchen?
Uh, accusing, no.
but when you say things like "hideous
kitchen,"
it does make me wonder.
This could be the cause.
Most kitchen fires start in the oven.
Oh, my God, did-did I leave the oven on?
Well, it appears we found our smoking
"bun."
she's been here all summer, so this could
be pretty rough.
Remember last time there was a rat in her
room.
She's a scientist. She said it was part of
a study.
Honey, it was in a cereal box.
Okay, time to be heroes.

Change a bed sheet, change the world.
That's right.
I completely forgot you guys were coming.
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.
I wasn't expecting you guys, so... sock.
Oh, is that my old bike?
Yep!
- Spruced it up for you. - That's great.
I actually just bought a new one, though.
Guess you can use that one for parts.
What do we have here? An electric mitten
holder.
It's a rock-paper-scissors robot I just
built.
What?!
Its sensors anticipate your next move.
Maybe for civilians.
But I've been trained in the art of sleight
of... hand!
At last...
a worthy opponent.
Honey, I got you some snacks that don't
crumb up quite so easily.
I'll just tuck them away in this...
fully-stocked snack cabinet.
Don't forget the paper towels, the paper
plates,
and the toilet -- Rock! How?!
Seems like you're doing really, really well
here.
Okay, well, I have to get to the robotics
lab.
But, uh, thank you so much for visiting.
Oh, honey.
You seem to be doing so well.
Shampoo.
We're so proud of you, Alex.
And not just because you've built
a nearly unbeatable robot. Damn it!
- Okay, well, uh... bye, you guys. - Bye!
- Bye, honey. ?- B
Modern.Family.S09E02
We drove her here.
Two mustards. No one needs that.
We'll just take that one home.
That is her new dress.
She was so excited about getting this.
Why would she throw it out?
Do you think something's going on?
Maybe -- Maybe all of the cleaning and the
organizing
is like a -- a coping mechanism.
Yeah, between that and the muted response
to the bike...
I don't know. You think we should talk to
her?
I wasn't even playing.
Boom! Damn it.
Gun to my head, my top three:
cheddar, Swiss, gouda.
As someone who has actually had a gun to
her head,
cheese is not what they're going to ask
about.
And now crackers.
What are you doing?
This is awkward.
I need a boy cave.
And don't get me started about brie.
Oh, there's no risk of that.
I'm not here, okay?
You put a lock on the closet?
That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus when
I catch him.
Sleeping pills in his cookies.
Joe, who are you talking to?
Oh, geez. We dropped you off at college two
hours ago.
My God, even Haley lasted longer.
I needed my white noise machine.
Or did you need your brown noise machine?
No, and I think I'm offended for you.