Your Body & You

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/44002786.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Fandom: Naruto
Relationship: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura & Hatake
Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura & Uchiha
Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki
Naruto
Character: Hatake Kakashi, Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura,
Sarutobi Asuma, Yuuhi Kurenai, Maito Gai | Might Guy
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, mostly in that Sasuke never
left to join Orochimaru, Crack Treated Seriously, Team 7 loves to see
Kakashi suffer, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 are Trolls (Naruto), Puberty, Sex
Talk, Kakashi would rather choose death, Hatake Kakashi Is Trying,
Kakashi hates his life right now, Uzumaki Naruto is a Little Shit, Uchiha
Sasuke is a Little Shit, Haruno Sakura is a Little Shit
Language: English
Collections: Secret Snipers Exchange Round 3
Stats: Published: 2023-02-02 Words: 3439

Your Body & You

by icewhisper

Summary

The thing is, the Academy trained kids for the field and for life as a shinobi. It never quite
bothered with the parts of life that didn’t include fighting.
(AKA Kakashi realizes that two thirds of his students don’t have parents to give them the
birds-and-the-bees talk. What he didn’t consider is that his team is comprised of tiny
demons who like to see him suffer.)

Notes

Written as part of the Secret Snipers Exchange 2022 for CrimsonMoonn.

Prompt(s): Shenanigans! This is a general one but I like the goofy nonsense, if you got any
ideas yourself and enjoy the ships I’ve listed, throw them together.

The thing, Kakashi thinks, is that Sasuke is too much like him – too closed off, too unwilling to ask
for help, too proud, and too focused on his own goals. It’s why he can see the writing on the walls
and why he knows that something has changed in a boy who looks looks like Obito but reminds
Kakashi of himself.

It’s why he waits by the village gates late one night and isn’t surprised to see Sasuke walking
towards him with his pack.

He thinks the Third made a mistake when he handed these kids to him, because Kakashi isn’t sure
what to do. He’s not sure how to help them when he can barely help himself some days, but… He’s
watched them grow over these past months. He’s seen Sakura find a strength in herself and the
drive to keep pushing herself so she can try to catch up to her teammates who have advantages she
doesn’t. He’s seen Naruto’s heart and how it can change people.

He’s seen Sasuke almost die for someone he claimed to hate.

That night, he walks the perimeter with Sasuke, talking to him and knows even before Sasuke
admits it that he’s been using the curse mark despite the seal placed on it.

“Going to Orochimaru won’t help you,” Kakashi tells him and watches Sasuke clench his jaw like
he wants to argue. “He might let you train, but what are the chances he lets you reach your full
potential? It would just make you a threat to him.”

“I’m not reaching my full potential here.”

“You’re barely thirteen,” Kakashi points out and thinks he should have done more to acknowledge
it. The day had passed while he and Sasuke were training for the final round of the exams, but
Sasuke hadn’t seemed to want to talk about his birthday and Kakashi hadn’t pushed. Sakura’s had
passed just before they made genin and Naruto’s wasn’t for another two months, but… He should
do better by these kids.

“Itachi was thirteen,” Sasuke mutters darkly, fists clenched.

“Itachi was an anomaly,” Kakashi corrects. “Don’t be like someone you hate.”

And by some kind of luck Kakashi doesn’t think has ever been on his side, Sasuke listens. He
listens and follows Kakashi home, lets Kakashi reseal the damned curse mark Orochimaru laid on
him, and he stays.

For three weeks, Kakashi thinks he might actually be starting to get a handle on this whole sensei
thing, like if he could convince Sasuke to stay, maybe he’s doing something right, because things
have changed. Sasuke is still as unfamiliar with letting people in as Kakashi is, but he’s trying.
He’s trying to be more willing to let Sakura and Naruto in and he thinks they’re growing as a team
because of it.

Then, Sakura hurries over to him during training one day and whispers that she needs to go home to
change. For a second, Kakashi doesn’t understand and, then, he does. Naruto’s jacket tied around
her waist. The embarrassed flush to her cheeks. The coppery scent of blood. And he knows.

Because she’s thirteen. She’s thirteen and… God, it’s puberty. Her body is changing and the boys’
are, too. The realization shakes him as she hurries off towards home and it’s only made worse by
the realization that comes after – that he’d stared at Sasuke by the village gates, thought he was too
much like him, and hadn’t even considered that it wasn’t just Sasuke.
Naruto is like him too, orphaned too young and left to figure things out on their own.

Left alone like he had been until Minato sat him down and initiated a conversation Kakashi still has
nightmares about.

A conversation no one has probably had with Sasuke or Naruto, one that Sakura’s own parents may
not have had with her, because… Wait, this wasn't his responsibility, was it? No one ever said he
was supposed to talk to them about that. He never signed up to talk these kids through puberty or,
worse, give them a sex talk.

His eyes drift back towards where Naruto and Sasuke are standing, heads dipped towards each
other and voices too low for Kakashi to pick up over the internal nonononono running through his
mind on a loop. He can’t give these kids that talk. Isn’t it enough that he keep them alive in the
field?

Not that he did a great job of that in Wave Country, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Obito
whispers back in his head, dredging back up thoughts of Sasuke stuck through with senbon.

What was the Third thinking giving him a bunch of kids?

When Sakura hurries back into training thirty minutes later with dark pants and apologies that
Kakashi can’t listen to, it’s because acknowledging it means dealing with the fact that he feels like
puberty just slapped him in the face for the second time in his life.

It takes him two days to bring it up to the others while they’re crowded around a table for
barbeque, eyes firmly on the plate in front of him. He’s been picking at it for the last hour,
dreading the question that will either confirm a fear that makes becoming a missing-nin seem like
the next logical career option or looking like a fool in front of friends that will tease him about this
for years.

The table goes utterly silent when he asks and he closes his visible eye so he doesn’t have to see
the others exchanging looks.

“You mean you haven’t yet?” Kurenai asks him.

“I got it over with in my first week with them,” Asuma says.

“I used visual aids!” Gai pronounces proudly and Kakashi starts debating between life as a missing-
nin or monkhood. Whichever will get him out of this conversation faster. “Our genin may be
shinobi, but if they’re going to enjoy their youth to the fullest, they must do it safely.”

“You really should have that talk with them, Kakashi,” Kurenai tells him seriously. “Especially
since Sasuke is more or less a clan head at this point. I know the elders hope he’ll restore Uchiha
numbers in the village, but I think thirteen is too early for him to be producing a clan heir.”

“Just don’t use those Icha Icha books and you’ll be fine,” Asuma says with a comforting pat to
Kakashi’s shoulder that doesn’t help him feel better. “Those books are the farthest thing from
realistic.”

“Would you like a list of helpful visual aids?” Gai asks entirely too loudly. People must be staring.
Kakashi is too busy wishing for the sweet release of death to lift his head to look. “Bananas are-”
“No.”

Was he supposed to talk to them together? Separate? Split Sakura off from the boys and give her a
completely different one? If Sakura already had her… Hadn’t someone talked to her about it?

Why did it have to be him? Kakashi asks himself as he watches Sakura and Sasuke spar against a
handful of Naruto’s clones. At least two of them have shifted form into the naked female version of
Naruto’s sexy no jutsu and one of them is trying to get close to Sasuke, using a line Kakashi
definitely read in one of his books.

Letting Naruto train with Jiraiya twice a week was a mistake.

“That won’t work!” Sakura calls out. “Sasuke-kun won’t fall for tricks that obvious!”

“Wanna bet?!” Naruto shouts back.

No. No, Kakashi does not want to bet. Kakashi wants to go home.

“Sasuke-kun!” Sakura cries. “You don’t think he’s cute, do you?!”

Sasuke sets the clone on fire.

Kakashi doesn’t feel any better.

That evening, he makes it home to a basket sitting outside his door, crammed full of bananas,
condoms, and a note from Gai.

Safety first! Don’t let the springtime of youth be interrupted by the winter of parenthood!

That’s it. He’s going missing-nin.

“You should talk to them before they end up with pups,” Pakuun tells him as he paws one of the
bananas open.

“You’re not helping,” Kakashi groans.

It’s when he arrives to training two hours late one morning to hear Naruto casually mentioning that
Jiraiya’s mentioned buying him a woman – “or something” – for his next birthday that Kakashi
knows he has to bite the kunai and get this over with.

It’s easier said than done, though, because he still somehow manages to keep avoiding it, not
because anything keeps him from it, but more because he’d rather die than talk to them about this.
Sakura’s been reading medical books lately, so she can probably figure it out on her own and he’s
not even sure Sasuke likes anybody, much less girls. The kid likes tomatoes and maybe three
people, if they’re lucky.

Sakura will tell Naruto, right?

Right?
Maybe he can slide by without having to talk to any of them about it.

“Hey, sensei,” Naruto says at the end of training one day, one arm over his chest as he stretches.
Probably sore, Kakashi thinks. Sakura had hit him pretty hard. “I’ve got a question.”

“No, the vegetables in cup ramen aren’t enough to fit your daily vegetable requirements.”

“I know,” the boy grumbles. “Sakura already yelled at me about it. I was gonna ask when boys get
their period?”

“What?”

“Sasuke’s being a jerk and won’t tell me if he’s got his, but Sakura’s got hers,” Naruto pushes on,
even as Sakura shouts a threat to throw a kunai at his head. Sasuke isn’t even looking at them.

“How do you…” he starts and, then, remembers Naruto’s bright orange monstrosity of a jacket tied
around Sakura’s waist at training last month before she ran home to change. “You don’t… Boys
don’t…” God, he actually has to have this conversation with them, doesn’t he? “Boys don’t get
periods, Naruto.”

“Why not?”

“They just don’t.”

Naruto tilts his head, considering. “Could my sexy no jutsu form get her period?”

Kakashi stops. Thinks. Fuck, he hopes not. Naruto created that jutsu, though, and it’s not as if
anyone’s really looked too deeply into it. Plus, it’s worth it to consider the fact that the Uzumaki
had a long history of creating jutsus that were completely insane.

In the end, it’s easier to just not continue the conversation at all, because he can’t think about
Naruto’s question without falling down about six different trains of thought – all bad – so he just…

Leaves.

He’s pretty sure he hears Sasuke fucking laughing at him for it.

“Have you talked to them about it yet?” Kurenai asks over dinner one night, right on the heels of
Gai asking if the visual aids he’d left him helped at all. No, Gai, they did not. In fact, Kakashi had
thrown the entire basket into the trash.

The trash may or may not have ended up on fire.

Kakashi drops his head onto the table and groans. “No.”

“Would you prefer cucumbers?” Gai asks, voice way too loud for a conversation Kakashi doesn’t
even want to be having in the first place. “It could be helpful to show them there’s a range of sizes
and shapes-”

“No.”
Gai still leaves a new basket near his door two days later.

Kakashi considers how hard it would really be to go missing-nin.

One day after training, Kakashi is bent on one knee and helping to wrap the ankle Sakura twisted
when she asks him, “How would I know if I’m pregnant?”

He nearly drops the roll of bandages. “What?” he asks and hopes he heard her wrong.

“If a girl is pregnant,” she clarifies, “how would she know?”

“Why don’t you ask your mother?”

Sakura shrugs. “She told me to ask you. Said that once I decided to go the shinobi route, teaching
me these things wasn't her problem.”

Kakashi is going to find whoever made this rule, resurrect them, and stab them in the face. Still –
even though the thought of it makes him want to kill this hypothetical other person and, then,
himself – he has to ask, “Do you have any reason to think you might be?”

“No,” she says. “Just wondering.”

He’s too busy feeling relieved to bother telling her she could take her wondering to a library.

When Naruto’s birthday comes, Kakashi can think of nothing more than the ghost of Naruto past in
the back of his head, talking about the toad sage’s idea of a birthday gift.

If they just so happen to be on a mission that takes them out of the village for the day and keeps
them gone until Jiraiya’s left on another one of his treks… Well, time just worked out like that.

“Sensei,” Sasuke says one afternoon while Kakashi helps him with his Chidori, voice level and
focused, “what’s a glory hole?”

Kakashi is going to let his dogs eat him alive.

This can’t be happening.

“They’re just going to keep asking you questions,” Asuma tells him without a bit of sympathy as
Kakashi considers drowning himself in the river. “You should talk to them.”

“Shut. Up.”

“What’s an STI?” Naruto asks over ramen after spending the afternoon with Jiraiya.

Behind the counter, it sounds like Teuchi has swallowed his own tongue.

It’s better than the fact Kakashi is pretty sure he now has noodles in his lung.
The next time Jiraiya wants to take Naruto out of the village, Kakashi sics his dogs on him and
refuses to explain why.

It’s when they’re in a little restaurant near the border of Tea Country that Kakashi finally cracks,
but only after Naruto leans halfway over the table to ask Sasuke and Sakura if they know what
morning wood is.

The old woman behind the counter looks absolutely appalled.

Kakashi wants to die.

“Not here,” he hisses at all of them and continues to shush them until their food has been eaten,
their bill paid, and they’re back in their rooms at the inn. “Where did you even learn morning
wood?” he asks Naruto despairingly as soon as the door is closed.

“Kiba.”

Of fucking course.

Kakashi rubs a hand over his face, groaning. “Okay. We need to talk.”

“About what?” Sakura asks.

God help him. “Sex.”

What follows is a conversation that will haunt his dreams even more than that old talk with Minato
has. Naruto listens with a kind of wide-eyed wonder that makes Kakashi scared to think about him
experimenting with that damned jutsu of his, Sakura keeps asking about the medical terms for body
parts, and Sasuke’s had one eyebrow lifted for so long that Kakashi’s worried it may be stuck like
that now.

“The point,” he says at the end of a too-long conversation about something he’s not sure he’s ever
going to want to have again, “is that you’re all too young to do any of this.”

“So what is the right age for it?” Sakura asks.

“When I’m dead.”

“To be fair, that could be tomorrow,” she reminds him with the kind of pointedness that tells him
she’s been spending too much time training at the hospital. She’s starting to sound like all the
medic-nin who hate him. “You really don’t take care of yourself.”

He doesn’t even manage to get out that that’s not the point before Naruto starts laughing. It’s odd.
Sakura’s comment was… technically true, but not funny enough to elicit the kind of laughter that’s
got Naruto’s arms wrapped around his belly.

It’s also not funny enough to make Sasuke’s one-eyebrow expression finally crack as he lets out a
snort that sounds like genuine amusement.

Nor does it explain Sakura’s groan and muttered, “You two couldn’t have held on for two more
minutes? I was going to ask him about period flow.”

That only seems to get Naruto laughing louder and Sasuke to actually smirk.

Kakashi is officially lost.

Then, it hits him in a slowly dawning kind of horror, because all of them had just listened. Sakura
had cut into his talk with more horrifying questions that made the whole conversation worse , but
the boys had been utterly silent. Naruto had been utterly silent and hadn’t even blinked when he
stumbled through the mechanics of sex and putting on a condom – a moment where, regretfully, he
had probably needed Gai’s visual aids.

“You already knew about sex,” he says and Naruto topples right off the bed he’s been sitting on as
a new wave of laughter hits him. “You knew.”

“My parents gave me the talk when I got my period,” Sakura says without an ounce of guilt.

“I had to figure all that stuff out,” Naruto gasps out, “when I created my sexy no jutsu.”

“I know how to read a book,” Sasuke says flatly.

“You knew,” he says again, uselessly.

“Sasuke saw you get all weird when I had to give Sakura my jacket,” Naruto says from the floor.
He’s still grinning entirely too wide. “It was his idea.”

“It was your idea to make the other senseis go along with it,” Sasuke told him.

“Yeah, but Sakura was the one who got them to do it,” Naruto pointed out.

Wait.

“They were in on this?” Kakashi asks. “This wasn’t my job?”

“Of course not,” Sakura says and waves her hand as if the idea of this talk hasn’t been haunting
Kakashi’s mind for the last two months. As if he didn’t just spend the last hour giving it. “It was a
teamwork exercise.”

“Teamwork,” he repeats helplessly as he watches Naruto finally calm enough that he can take the
hand Sasuke offers to haul himself up. He stares at the three of them clustered together on the same
bed, entirely too entertained with themselves, and thinks that Naruto has been a horrible influence
on Sasuke and Sakura both, but…

His eye focuses in on Naruto and Sasuke.

Naruto who looks so much like Minato but acts like Kushina.

Sasuke who looks like Obito because of shared Uchiha blood and Kakashi’s own memories, but is
really the spitting image of Mikoto.

Watching Sasuke and Naruto grow up so separate, it was easy to forget that they weren’t supposed
to be, because Kushina and Mikoto had been best friends since they shared a genin team.

He’d forgotten that and he’d forgotten that, together, Mikoto and Kushina had been utterly
terrifying. Fugaku and Minato had never stood a chance once those two got started.
Naruto and Sasuke were always going to be nightmares. They’d just dragged Sakura in with them.

“You did this as a teamwork exercise? For two months?”

“You get too suspicious when we try to see under your mask,” Naruto says with a shrug. “This was
new. You weren’t expecting it.”

“You did miss something, though,” Sasuke says, voice a little too level to mean anything good
when Kakashi already feels like he’s having a stroke. “You only gave us half the talk. What if I
like boys too?”

Kakashi squints at him. “Do you?”

Sasuke shrugs a single shoulder. “Maybe.”

“Wait. You can like both?” Naruto asks, wide-eyed. “Sensei, you didn’t tell us that was an option!”

“Yeah, sensei,” Sasuke says, “why didn’t you tell us about that?”

It’s not just Mikoto, Kakashi thinks with a groan. Mikoto had been deadly when she put her mind to
it, but Kushina had been the one in that duo who thrived on chaos. There had been one Uchiha,
though, who had somehow been an unholy blend of Mikoto and Kushina’s most terrifying parts.
This whole time, Kakashi had thought he was seeing himself in Sasuke, but that wasn’t it.

Sasuke isn’t like him, Kakashi realizes too late. He’s like Shisui.

He must say it out loud, because Sasuke’s eyes widen, surprised, before the brat manages to school
his expression again, but even then, he can’t quite cover up the bit of pride the knowledge seems to
bring. It must be different, Kakashi thinks, to finally be compared to someone other than his
brother.

“Sensei, you can’t just start talking to us about sexualities and then stop,” Sakura reminds him and
he levels a look at her as she tries to drag him back to that particular circle of hell.

“Go read a book.”

Four years later, they’re seventeen and fucking know better when the three of them drop down next
to him at Ichiraku and Naruto cheerfully asks, “Hey, sensei. Can you explain threesomes?”

And Kakashi, glaring one-eyed at them and at the way Sasuke and Sakura are leaning in too closely
to Naruto to be platonic, tells them flatly, “I think you already know.”

He sunshins away to the sound of their laughter.

The End

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