Forgive
And
Forget?
It’s not always
better to
forgive people
who have hurt
you. Here’s
why that is
Monica Karpinski is a
writer and editor focused
on women’s health, sex,
and relationships. She is
the founder of women’s
health media platform
The Femedic
* FEBRUARY 2024
HE MESSAGE Is drummed into
us from childhood: forgive
people who've wronged you,
because it’s the right thing
to do. Forgiveness is a virtue, we're
told—the only way for us to truly
move on and heal, freed from the
baggage of bearing ill will.
Call me unenlightened, but I’m
not buying it. Forgiving someone can
indeed be a beautiful thing, but it’s
not always what’s best for us. In fact,
if someone has hurt you deeply and
the relationship isn’t healthy, trying
to “fix” things can do more harm.
than good.
Most of us would probably agree
that forgiving a wrongdoer means
letting go of negative feelings—like
anger and resentment—towards
them. Often, there’s an expectation
that we'll put it all behind us and let
them back into our lives, as if
nothing happened.
Except that something did
happen. And if we get the memo
that, in order to be a good person,
we should simply get over it and
stop feeling hurt, it can make us
feel that our experiences don’t
matter. Or, at least, that they matter
less than the situation being
smoothed over.
This isn’t helpful. It pressures us to
minimise our feelings and revise our
boundaries—to say “it’s OK” when
for us, it isn’t. While it’s not a good
idea to fixate on negative thoughts,
recognising and processing all of thatpain is an important part of the
healing journey.
And when someone doesn’t make
us feel seen or safe, forgiving them
can actually chip away at our self-
esteem. A 2010 research paper
published in the Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology
called this the “the doormat effect”.
It found that folks who forgave
partners that didn’t make them feel
valued had less respect for
themselves, along with a
diminished sense of self.
The same was true
when people granted
forgiveness to partners
who didn’t try to make
amends after causing
them hurt. This is probably
because the forgiving party felt
like they'd failed to stand up for
themselves, note the authors: like
they'd let themselves be walked over.
Things can get worse if you keep
on forgiving someone who's done
wrong. Letting minor offences that
happen now and again slide can be
great for any relationship, but
repeatedly forgiving bad behaviour
can encourage that person to keep
hurting you.
At least, that’s what 2011 research
by psychology professor James K
McNulty argues. McNulty looked at
how 72 newlywed couples expressed
merc!
forgiveness towards acts of
aggression, and whether this caused
any changes in the perpetrator’s
behaviour. He found that when a
partner was more likely to forgive
those acts, the aggressor was more
likely to keep committing them.
McNulty suggests that this is
because facing the consequences of
their actions is what motivates
people to change their ways, and
being offered a clean slate can be
a kind of pass to avoid
making changes. His
takeaway? Forgiving
frequent and major
offences, like verbal or
physical abuse, can do
more harm than good.
For me, this speaks to the
core tension in the idea that we
should always forgive: it puts the
onus on us to resolve things, rather
than on the other person to deal with
the fallout for what they've done.
What if, instead of looking to
forgiveness like a magic salve, we put
our energies towards accepting a
situation for what it is? This way, we
can focus on recognising what
happened and coming to terms with
it, however that looks for us and
without any sense of obligation
towards our offender. It'll still be a
process, sure, but it’s one centred
around you and your needs.