don't let me remember

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/11028348.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: M/M
Fandom: 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Relationship: Dazai Osamu/Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Character: Dazai Osamu (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Additional Tags: the rating is for mentions of violence, and dazais past, its really a lot of fluff
though, oda is mentioned a lot, dazai hates himself, Light Angst, Fluff, They
may be a little OOC, sorry about that, dazai does a lot of reflection, Mentions
of Suicide
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2017-05-29 Words: 2,118 Chapters: 1/1

don't let me remember

by polarsun

Summary

Even though it's been years, Dazai still hates night. It brings up memories he would rather
forget, but he knows he has someone who will never leave him.

Notes

i suck at titles
but i love kunikidazai

See the end of the work for more notes

There were many things in this cruel world Dazai hated. Rules, Mori, (occasionally) Chuuya. What
he hated the most was night. It came too quickly and lasted far too long, teasing Dazai with
impossible “what ifs” and “it’s your fault”s. Regrets played out in the form of nightmares and the
shared apartment always felt a little empty and cold.

At the age of twenty two, Dazai had enough blood on his hands to last him hundreds of lifetimes.
There was no getting rid of it, no washing it away. The sins of his past clung to him, and the scars
from his failures marred pale flesh. Oda was the only one at that time who knew how bad things
were. He was the only one who knew the true reason as to why Dazai wanted to die.

Then Oda died, leaving Dazai alone in this big, ugly world. His final words, a plea in a sense,
convinced Dazai to leave, but he couldn’t change everything. He couldn’t take back all the lives he
destroyed, all the minds he had corrupted, all the spirits he beat down. Night reminded him of this.
If symbolically burning away his cloudy past didn’t work then Dazai would be stuck in a limbo
where he wondered if he truly deserved this new life he had worked so hard to get.

Laying in bed was making things worse. Dazai had to get up, get out of that house. Slowly, as to
not wake his sleeping partner, he sat up and crawled out of bed. The wooden floor was cold when
his bare feet touched down. He didn’t feel like wearing the usual work clothes and opted for a
sweater from before Kunikida joined the ADA and jeans that probably would have fared better in
the trash. After sliding on a pair of shoes, Dazai tip toed through the house, mindful of the kotatsu,
and slipped out into the brisk night.

Cold air didn’t really affect Dazai anymore. Sure, it was annoying, but that was all it was. A
nuisance. Dazai pushed his hands further into the sweater pocket, his mind on autopilot as he
walked the unusually empty streets.

Yokohama was his home. He was raised here, bred here, knew all the ins and outs of the back
alleys and where to get the best food. He knew the good parts of town, while also knowing the bad
parts, but the river was what he knew the best. It seemed that his clouded mind new this was where
he was supposed to be as he found himself standing on the bank of the calm stream. Dazai couldn’t
count how many times he had tried killing himself in this river. The attempts were getting too high,
but tonight he didn’t want to jump in.

Well, that was a lie. Of course he wanted to jump in, but he didn’t want to will himself to. After
everything he did, everything he went through, there was no doubt in Dazai’s mind that he
deserved death. Something stopped him. The thought of disappointing Oda. The man who saw
through his facade, the man who befriended him despite all his faults, the man he loved like he had
never loved before. He was the man Dazai held in his arms while life slowly eked out of him. This
was the life Oda wanted Dazai to have, and he couldn’t just betray it. Tears welled in his eyes as
his thoughts ran wild. Dazai sunk to his knees, shaking, trying to control the sobs that left his body.

Dazai couldn’t remember the last time he cried. Kunikida or Atsushi were the ones to get
emotional and upset over a case or a situation. Dazai was desperate to not feel emotions. He had
put up the front for too long and every emotion he had felt since he witnessed Mori kill the old boss
at age fourteen came erupting out of him. All the people he killed, all the cruel things he did to
Ryunosuke, how he hurt Q. It came rushing out in strangled sobs that made his chest ache and
body heavy. No one could no the true depth of Dazai’s emotions. No one would understand.

A surprisingly gentle hand was laid on Dazai’s shoulder, making him flinch. Physical contact to
Dazai was usually rough, painful, and always resulted in bruises and scars. Gentleness was foreign
to him, but even through his panicked state Dazai could tell that the hand was that of Kunikida’s.
He was like Oda. Refused to kill anyone, took responsibility when a mission turned south, and
somehow understood the depression and pain that surrounded his fragile mind. He was also like
Oda because he was the only one Dazai truly loved, and he was the only one Dazai would open up
to.

“What are you doing here?” Dazai asked through muffled tears. Kunikida knelt next to him, using
the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the tears off of Dazai’s face.

“I woke up and you were gone. I figured you came here,” Kunikida answered, keeping his hand on
Dazai’s shoulder as a subtle way of calming him down. While he didn’t really understand how, it
worked. The softness in Kunikida’s voice, and the tenderness of his touch always helped Dazai
stay grounded.

“Did you think I came to kill myself?” Dazai asked, trying to hide the bitterness in his voice.
Kunikida was perceptive, an eyebrow raising curiously.

“No. Dazai I don’t think suicide is the only thing on your mind. It just worries me when I wake up
and you’re not in bed with me,” Kunikida’s hand moved like silk, softly and barely touching the
cold fabric adorning Dazai’s body. A low hiccup reverberated in the back of Dazai’s throat, a mere
memory of when he sobbed over his tainted past.

“Why do you love me Kuni?” Dazai asked suddenly, the nickname rolling off his tongue like it
was the most familiar thing in the world. Really, it was familiar. A name that Dazai had learned to
say and learned to love. He was the only one that was allowed to call Kunikida by this nickname,
and it was a large and loving gesture that most didn’t recognize.

“Why do you ask?” Kunikida asked, his arm wrapping around Dazai, pulling him closer. He felt
himself shiver at the contact, words trying to rise from his closing throat.

“I’m terrible. I’m the opposite of what you stand for. You represent everything that is good and
whole, but I am the opposite of that. I am everything terrible in the world,” Dazai whimpered out,
finding it hard to control the words that came out of his mouth. Kunikida took a moment to collect
his thoughts. Never had Dazai asked something like this, even though it was no surprise coming.
Depression gripped Dazai like an iron chain. From his early years in the mafia, it controlled him,
making him yearn for the beyond.

“Dazai,” Kunikida breathed out softly. “I know what you did was terrible, but that doesn’t mean
you’re bad. You realize that what you did was wrong and you’re changing now. I’ve seen you take
care of Atsushi and Kyouka in your own way, and you’re trying so hard to make up for everything
that went wrong in your past. I love you because of that, because of how you’re changing and how
you know me like no one else. I accept you for all your flaws and imperfections, Dazai. I am here
to help you change and to help you become stronger. I love you for who you are now, not who you
were before.”

Kunikida’s words were gentle, but they held truth. Dazai didn’t say much, remembering a time
when Mori didn’t want him to love or be loved. When he was isolated and alone, without anyone
who actually made his life worth living. Then he met Oda and felt more alive than he ever did.
Mori found out about them, and tried keeping them apart. Of course, that never stopped Dazai and
he kept sneaking out to see the man he loved.

Punishments for being caught during that time were harsh, but Dazai didn’t care. Anything to
actually feel like he was living rather than merely existing. When Oda passed, things became dark
once again. Dazai went through his life in a made-up bliss. He tried to appear happy and carefree,
but underneath it all he longed for death. To be with Oda once again. Then he met Kunikida. A
man so similar to Oda in ideals and morals that it was hard to ignore. Through their partnership,
Dazai learned that Kunikida hid demons as well. Never ending anxiety and guilt for those he
couldn’t save.

They were similar. Both hiding their true selves from the world around them. Dazai knew at that
point that Kunikida was the only one who could understand him, and he made a point to try and
understand the former algebra teacher in a deeper sense. The way he meticulously planned every
tiny detail of a mission just so it would go perfectly. The way he kept a strict schedule. Even the
way he had lists upon lists of his perfect dreams. No one else in the ADA seemed to notice that
side of Kunikida. It was only Dazai, and he always made sure that things went according to plan so
Kunikida wouldn’t end up panicked of a situation out of his control.

“I love you Kuni. Thank you for being here for me…” Dazai turned to mumble into his lover’s
dress shirt. It smelled good. Smelled like home. Like fresh laundry and a hint of cinnamon. That
 had become the scent Dazai associated with him, associated with safety, belonging, love. If he
wanted, he could have stayed buried in that scent for ages without needing to leave or go
anywhere. Kunikida seemed to love just staying and holding Dazai. He wrapped his arms around
him protectively, placing a gentle kiss against his forehead. For a while, they listened to the gentle
stream of the river. After a moment, Kunikida pulled away, gently cupping Dazai’s face in his
hands.

“Let’s head home. You’re really flushed. Don’t stay out in the cold so long again, okay?” Kunikida
asked, stroking his cheek with the pad of his soft thumb. Dazai couldn’t help but nod, melting into
Kunikida’s gentle touch. They rose together, hands finding each other and intertwining. Dazai
loved the feeling of holding hands with another person. He loved the intimacy, the feeling of not
being empty. It was one of the feelings Dazai loved most about being so deeply in love.

Hand in hand, they quietly made their way back to the dorms. Lightning bugs danced in the air,
illuminating the path in front of them. Dazai hadn’t seen something so naturally beautiful in such a
long time. It captivated him, drawing him in, making the walk home more interesting.

The dorms members of the ADA called home were close to the river, but still tucked away enough
to look like a quaint little apartment building. Living in the inconspicuous cover or normalcy was
something Dazai thought he’d detest, but he found he enjoyed it after a long day of Kunikida
yelling at him to do his work.

When they reached the door for their dorm, Kunikida unlocked it and pushed his way inside. Some
of the lights remained on, but they were turned off one-by-one as the two made their way back to
the bedroom. Dazai stripped from the jeans, ignoring Kunikida’s complaints about how old they
were, and crawled back into bed. Kunikida followed him in and accepted the body pressed in
against his own.

Usually, both Dazai and Kunikida refrained from large amounts of affection, especially at work,
but they both found this was necessary. It helped Dazai fall into a calm sleep, but it also helped
Kunikida. The knowledge of having another next to him was more than enough to calm ceaseless
worries, and it brought him a sense of peace he didn’t always have.

As they both fell asleep, Dazai before Kunikida, they both seemed to realize just how much their
lives had become intertwined. First, it was the ADA, then it was Kunikida’s need to save everyone
he could, then it was relying on each other in the darkest of moments. Everyone knew they may
have bickered and teased each other ceaselessly, but these were the moments that mattered. The
moments where they were able to fall asleep tangled in a mess of limbs with the knowledge that
the moment, as fleeting as it may be, was all they needed.

End Notes

thank you for reading! i actually rewrote the entire ending, so if it's bad i'm sorry about that
whoops.
also listen..... i call Kunikida Kuni..... so Dazai has to do it too

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