Light cometh from within…

Hope.

Miss N.L Ntsele

(Hope)
 Hope is a story that ought to remind you that when life puts
you at ground zero and trust me, at some point it will, the
only way you can go from there is up. You are obliged to
remember your true self and find the strength that lies within
you. Stop wearing masks! Fight for the life that rightfully
belongs to you. Pick up your armor and fight a winning battle.
You can do it on your own. I believe in you…

Kind regards:
Miss L.N Ntsele

PA
 CHAPTER
1

Dear Miss Nzimande

We hope that you are enjoying your retirement.

We fully understand that it is abrupt of us to
request this from you, however such times are
desperate. We humbly request that you assist us
in completing the documentary that was
unexpectedly abandoned by James. We fully
understand that no one can do this better than
you. The documentary is due in a few weeks.

We sincerely hope that our request will be

considered.

Yours sincerely
HB.

PA
What you just did is called invasion of privacy and I don’t take lightly to
people who help themselves to my things without my permission. And I don’t
like talking very much so I’m going to make this short, the email you just read
—without my permission— was a surprise to me too. I was totally not
expecting it but things happen. I am—or was—a qualified psychologist tough
I’m pretty sure that the way I do my job borders on illegal, but that’s a story
for another day.
So I woke up one Sunday morning to find the interesting email sitting
comfortably on my inboxes—on a Sunday! There were already two things
wrong with it, firstly that I had no idea about it and secondly that it was sent
in the morning and it woke me up, we are ignoring the fact that I have
officially retired from that same job and now add that it’s a weekend and on
Sunday. I’ll give you a minute to digest…

Okay, so here I am, little-Miss-psychologist standing in the middle of my

bedroom in the dark of the morning with my jaws wide open reading this
email for the third time—on a Sunday. I’m sure this is illegal somewhere but I
had no choice because my work stuff has this irritating ringtone that you just
can’t ignore, I forgot to change it when I retired and I’m regretting that.
Frank, in all his might, summoned me back to work just two weeks after my
retirement, he did say please but that doesn’t mean he was asking, at least not
where I come from. So first thing Monday morning, with my tail between my
legs I would go back there and humbly respond. I felt like replying ‘yes master’
to his not so subtle demand. Great! Now I can’t even go back to sleep… since
you’re already here—uninvited—we’ll talk a bit until a legal waking hour. I
suck at socializing and making friends so please bear with me. Speaking of
socializing, I didn’t even introduce myself; hi. I’m Salamina Nzimande, miss,
and I’ll tell you a bit about myself. I’m what they call an introvert, my favorite
color is black, im stingy and I love food. That’s basically me, summed up in one
sentence. Nice to meet you too. So I told you that I’m a psychologist, I have
been for the past five or more years and I’m pretty good at it because I was
groomed there from a young age so I have experience and my job is not really
PA
a hard one, how hard can pointing fingers be. I mean, it comes naturally and
you’ve done it too! Do you remember that time when you stole Christmas
cakes hidden far behind in the cupboard, two days before Christmas? And
when your mother asked, you easily just pointed your finger at your younger
brother because you thought, ‘he's always in trouble anyways, one more time
won't hurt him?’ Exactly, now imagine being paid to do that, trust me it’s the
easiest job after teaching. Did I mention how good I was at my job? I don’t
even need to emphasize, the email alone is proof enough that I kicked butts,
literally.
Okay let me not get ahead of myself; this is how my story goes,

So Monday came and I could feel it was going to be a very long day. I woke up
nice and early to give myself enough time to get ready for work. After two
weeks away, l just had to make a statement. As usual I checked my emails
before anything, today hoping that maybe Frank has changed his mind but I’m
not that lucky, I’ve never been. I found two new emails from Jabu, one of these
days I’d have to respond to the poor guy, maybe later.
My wardrobe was flooding with designer clothes, all the better because I
wanted to turn heads at HB, to prove that even in my absence, I still owned
that place. It had been a long time since they’d seen someone with a real sense
of fashion. And I'd been with them long enough to know that they paid it no
mind at all. Classic elegance with a bit of dazzle was my all time theme and I
ensured that I looked perfect all the time, especially to work. Being short,
curved and dark skinned made it easy to dress myself most of the time and i
took advantage of that by buying as much clothing as I can. I love style as
much as I love food and my Instagram is living proof. I ate my breakfast
patiently, ignoring the urge to beautify myself for a few minutes. It was a sad
story to love food so dearly but not know how to cook. Did you know that you
can actually have cereal for breakfast, lunch and supper as well? The best part
of it is that it is actually very healthy if you ask me. But since I’m also qualified
in frying, I had a nice breakfast of scrambled eggs instead, only because it
seemed like I was going to need all the strength I could get. I have a passion
PA
for eating, so it usually takes me longer than cooking, not that I’m any good at
it. I had learnt over the years to tolerate and eventually enjoy eating the food I
cooked, although I avoided it as much as I possibly could. Oh, I have to respond
to Jabu's emails today. The poor guy is so persistent and full of hope. I hate to
be the bearer of bad news but what can I do, bad news is my middle name.

"Dear: Jabu
I have read all your series of emails because I've been
bored over the past two weeks. I must say that you have
quite an impressing skill with the language. Anyway, I
just wanted to let you know that I'm a very busy woman
and I don't have time for dating.
NB, Stop with the three emails every day, you're
finishing my storage space.
Sincerely: Sal"

What a contradictory email, how can I be bored and busy at the same time?
Hmmm, anyways... send.
Right. Now that he’s out of the way, it’s time to prepare for departure. I’m
already thirty minutes late, on purpose, but who cares, I technically am no
longer an employee. Plus how am I supposed to make my grand signature
entrance if I’m early? Phase one: bathing. The shower takes me about fifteen
to twenty minutes even if I try to be faster. Phase two: complain about being
called back to work, which adds about five more minutes to my bathing time.
Don’t blame me, complaining is in my blood, I was born with it. Phase three:
dressing up. Getting ready takes me about thirty minutes, I've had a lot of
practice and I don't put make-up. Well, let's just say I’ve learnt that I’m
overdue a lesson in art. So, I apply Camphor cream in my face which gives me
that nice polished look and some lip color for that refined but grown up look.
As for my hair, a neat high bun always makes a statement. Perfect. Now for the

PA
outfit. I'm a simple person, I don't like bright colored clothes because they just
don't gel with my skin complexion. So, a Dior black pencil skirt with a classic
white blouse and sapphire blue Guess blazer that cost me a fortune, topped off
with silver hoop earrings, sapphire blue and black stilettos and a black Louis
Vuitton leather handbag. And for the final touch, a designer Gucci wristwatch.
Perfection!

I parked my car in the reserved spot, feeling good about myself, took out my
laptop for proof of email,—just in case—with my expensive smartphone in
hand and closed my rented car. There's this soothing feeling I get when I hear
the click-click sound when I lock the car doors. It makes me feel like I've really
made it in life, like I'm up there, you know? I straightened my blazer and
walked towards the office, slowly, giving everyone a chance to look and
admire. They have to, I spent a lot of precious time and money on these
designer clothes. As I expected, heads turned as the big glass doors labeled
Humble Beginnings in big Italics opened at the sight of me. People stopped
and stared and others greeted, I responded with my famous half nods because
I don't care. Really, people never fail to disappoint, they react exactly as you
expect them to. Typical.
Frank opened his office door before I even knocked and I gracefully entered,
swiftly like the queen of England. He still had this ridiculous wallpaper on all
his walls, the whole room was covered in colorful flowers, so much so that it
became the start of spring every time you entered his office. Typical old man.
It’s sad him and his wife never had kids of their own.
"Sal, you look amazing." He awkwardly offered his hand. I was not about to
believe that he’s finally accepted that I don’t like hugging, nope, something
was definitely not right. With the question clear in my face I shook his hand
and led him to his desk. Yes, I assume ownership wherever I am.
PA
"Thanks, you don't look too bad yourself." I straightened my skirt and sat
down opposite him on the big black polished oak table.
"Wine?" he generously offered despite knowing that I’m not a fan of wine.
Warning signs went out in my head even as I politely refused his generous
offer.
"No thank you, may we begin, I don't have all day." I said matter of factly.
No, don't get me wrong I'm not arrogant, I don't like wine and he knows it.
Especially not at work. And Frank was seriously wasting my time. I could be
sleeping right now, plus the sun is starting to rise and I can't afford to sweat in
these clothes. They're new! And very expensive.
He rubbed his hands together in anticipation and stole a glance in my
direction. Instantly I knew that whatever Frank was going to tell me would not
be pleasant. I relaxed myself into the chair and fixed the laptop bag in front of
me for the hundredth time. This laptop bag is the first luxurious thing I ever
bought for myself. The time I bought it I did not even know what I was going
to do with it. When I went into the store I had already made up my mind, I was
buying a Dell laptop. I had seen it on a magazine before so I knew it was going
to cost me all of my savings and some more. I told the assistant in detail what I
wanted, he started explaining things I did not even want to know about.
Problem began when he started telling me that there are better models that
are smaller and more advanced.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sir, you are very pretty and all but I want is a Dell PC and
that's all. Nothing else." I told the assistant, motioning with my hands for
emphasis. I can be very persistent when I know what I want. The assistant
shook his head in laughter and went to a room at the back where he came
back with the box. You should have seen the smile on my face, it was wider
than a crescent moon. It is one thing I didn't mind spending all my money on,
it was just too satisfying. And in my defense, the sales guy was pretty, for real.
My thoughts are disturbed by a soft nock on the door. As Frank prepares to go
open the door, the person walks in and greets us instead, mannerless twitch!
The smile on my face vanishes even completely as I realised who the intruder

PA
is. I saw Frank tense in anticipation. He’d better have a good explanation for
this, because as far as I know, I work alone. I regained my posture and relaxed
expecting a good explanation from Frank.
"I do apologize for being late, I was caught up in a meeting. Can we begin?" he
said dismissively, as if it's more of a statement than a question. Who the hell
died and left him in charge?
I eyed him slowly from head to toe. Really, coming from a meeting? Looking
like that? He was wearing sneakers, denim skinny’s, probably Relay and those
tops that looks like dresses, also a Relay and a black cap in his hand. I instantly
got nausea at the sound of his husky, melodic voice. Who the hell gave him the
right to talk?
I didn't realise that I had clicked my tongue loud at the irritation. When I
raised my eyes they both were staring at me. I looked at Frank, who cleared
his throat. Over the years I have learnt that Frank is scared of losing me and
therefore treats me like a superior rather than just an employee but right then
I didn’t know how true that was because I had already retired. So I was a bit
uneasy. Even though he looks quite desperate at this point.
I looked at him straight in the eye, not bothering to hide my irritation. He
cleared his throat for the hundredth time before starting. He pointed the guy
to the oak table and brought him a glass of wine.
"Sandile, this is Sal, the lady I told you about." Frank said as he walked back to
his chair and sat. The guy nodded at my direction and mumbled a nice to meet
you. I just looked at him, who the hell does he think he is?
At that thought Frank continued, "Miss Sal, this is Sandile"
Ooh I know him. He's one of those rich gangs who are born into the world
with a golden key that opens every door. Everything is given to them in a
silver platter and if they mess up, it’s okay because they have nine freaking
lives! Every heard people with nice life problems like whether to wear a Louis
Vuitton or Gucci because the other is black and the other is coal gray. Rolling
my eyes.

PA
"Oh I know him, but what I don't understand Frank is why is he here? What
has he got to do with anything because I know he's not a client."
Hell, I'm even sure he'd never be a client. People like him only suffer from
really nice problems, like not knowing where to go between Dubai and Qatar
because you only have a weekend to spend. Tell me about it.
Frank stood up only to sit down again, anticipation written all over his face.
He is the one person who knows me in and out, I've worked for him for over
five years, refusing promotions along the way until I became a real asset. So,
out of all the people, he would know very well that I absolutely and
wholeheartedly hate change. He would also know that I despise even the idea
of working in a group. Or maybe he just doesn't know me as much as I though
he did.
"Mr Halton here is our biggest sponsor, and it was his wish to be in this
meeting today to observe our plans." he cleared his throat and looked at me as
if for approval. I stared back at him with a blank face, looking through him
rather than at him. You know, I wanted to ask him so many questions but I
wasn't willing to give this Mr Halton the impression that Frank can't control
his employees. But truly I don't think he can, more especially me.
"Sal, there are things I couldn't tell you through that email...
Clearly.
"but humble beginnings has been facing a down slide these past weeks. Losing
you and James on the same week has surely left its mark." he eyed me as if I
am to blame. Not to mention that this is definitely no time to be playing the
blame game because I'd definitely defeat him, I'm good at pointing fingers
remember? Plus he sounds serious, he doesn't need my drama in his life at
least not now.
"What I mean is that we're deep in debt and our finances are slacking. Clients
are complaining and dropping us. Mr Halton somehow managed to get us a
good deal which is our lifeline and needs to be handled with care... "

PA
He paused and took another sip of his wine. If he continues like this he'll be
drunk by the end of this meeting. It must be hard to confess that you're failing
to other people, but that's unfortunately the only way you can get help. That's
life, it has it's moments that just totally dehumanize you.
"We have... I mean I personally need your assistance. I can't afford to lose this
business, you know that better than anyone." Frank said as he stood up to
refill his glass of wine.
Humble Beginnings is a family business that's been running for generations.
Established by Frank's great grandmother who was at the time a retired
psychologist. She started it because her husband was struck down by amnesia,
although she couldn't help her husband because the disease was found at its
later stage and grew to something even worse, she was able to help many
other people and that was closure to her. She requested that the business be
continued even in her absence, because every success story is a step closer to
her husband. It is true that the business has grown over the years, but to
Frank it's not about the size, it's about each and every success story.
"Frank you know I'll try my best no matter how big the task. But I have to ask,
what's the catch?"
Mr Halton who's been quiet all along suddenly spoke, "I will be with you
throughout the process, learning how you operate. I will fill in your place
immediately after this project. And I must say, it's a big one."
I looked at him, jaw dropped. His voice is low and deep, more of a rumble than
a whisper. He commands attention when he speaks, but that's not my worry.
The problem is that he is speaking about these people as if it's just business,
just another project. So I must teach this guy how to be like me so that he can
replace me? How convenient! He won't be able to do it.
I stood up and went to the big glass door that led to a balcony overlooking the
forest. So many thoughts going on in my head, if I continue like this I'll sweat
and mess up my outfit. Well, I have to do this, if not for Frank then for his
great grandfather and for the people who will all benefit from this. I'm not that
heartless. Maybe.

PA
"what's in it for me?"
I didn't ask that. I never ask the package, why now? This is the most dumbest
thing my big mouth has ever rattled.
The room went silent, I was not facing them but I could hear the amusement
in the rhythm of their breathing. Especially Frank.
"Double your previous salary if the work is successful..."
That's good money. It would cover my mortgage and still leave some for
spending.
"And you take all the tips if there are." Frank added, he took my silence for
dissatisfaction. I turned to face them. I looked at their worried faces and
started walking towards the door.
"Very well then. Please email me the rest of the details, so I can start"
I was about to go out when Mr Halton cleared his throat, I had forgotten about
him. I turned to look at him.
"We have to start immediately..." he said authoritatively as if he was in charge.
I looked at him, surprise evident in my gaze.
Alright...
"We are to be working from Johannesburg, and you can't do anything without
me. Not even reading the contract. I'm shadowing you, remember?"
How I wish I could forget. If he wants to play nice, I will play better. I looked at
the time, it was 13:00, there's enough time to pack. Good.
"Ten p.m. at Durban station the transport will be departing. Can you make it
there?"
He nodded in disbelief.
"Bring a better choice of clothing, one that will not make you look like a
cheeseboy. Call me when you reach there."

PA
I said that and went out. People still stopped and stared. Well, I can't blame
them really. I am looking awesome today. I modelled my way back to my
rental on my size three stilettos. I got in and sat down, replaying the previous
meeting in my mind. What did I just do? I started the car and went back home.
This is going to be a long rest of the day.

He is late. My palms are sweating as I walk back and forth, the train has been
announced, it's leaving in five minutes, he's not here. This is one of the
reasons why I prefer working alone, people don't care about their work. When
I reached home earlier today, the first thing I did was to book tickets, a private
coach because I doubt he's ever been on a train before, the real experience
would send him to an early grave. See, I'm not that heartless, but I will be if he
continues like this. I went through all this trouble for him and he's not here.
The conductor announces again, "three minutes to go... Train number 958
leaves in three minutes. Passengers ensure that all luggage is inside the train.
Thank you."
I took my suitcase and went to the coach, stored my bags and went to sit on
the lounge-like part of our coach with couches and a coffee table. I had sent
him a message at around five pm, reminding him the time and confirming the
train number.
you better be dead because if you're still alive I will personally kill you! 🙅... Send.
"Hey, relax girl. What's wrong with you. I'm here now. Can't live without me
can you?" he mocked as he entered and dropped his bags on the floor a minute
later. I had a big comeback for him, but I was too relieved to bother. The train
departed as soon as he entered, as if we all were waiting for him. Whew! I
relaxed my self into the worn out couch and for a moment closed my eyes.
"We got off on the wrong foot, let me re-introduce myself... "

PA
I was woken up by his voice, I don't remember when I fell asleep. He had his
hand stretched out. I looked at it and then at him. Reluctantly, I shook his
hand, he smiled. This is going to be the longest trip of my life.

CHAPTER
2
I'm woken up by the sound of my phone ringing, it's Frank.
"Is everything okay, are you okay?" he asks immediately after I pick up the
phone. I can hear the anticipation in his voice. It's like him to care so much for
his employees, I'd like to think that it's not only me he has so much
compassion on.
"It's fine Frank, everything is well. We're on our way there now."

PA
There's a long silence after I speak, he needs assurance, he's not satisfied.
"Change is good sometimes, plus I understand that you'd need my
replacement. Trust me I'll try my best to be as informative and educational as
I can be. Now go to sleep and leave it to me. I'm doing this for ma Grace,
okay?" I said, meaning every word.
He sighed, I could sense that it was hard on him. This is his last shot and
everything they have in their family depends on the hands of two strangers.
Who are currently sleeping, I feel bad. The line went silent again, I could only
hear him breathing. I wish I could say something more to give him comfort,
but really, sweet talk is not my style.
"Thanks Sal, thanks a lot." he said and after some silence dropped the call. He
wanted to say more, I know but it's just too emotional for him. And I of all
people do understand.
Let's get to work.
"You said you wanted to shadow me. It's time for work" I said to Sandile as I
removed the blanket he was sleeping under, leaving him completely exposed.
He opened his eyes and closed them again. He smiled and covered his face
with both his hands. Cute. I stared for a moment at his baby like behavior. It's
so cute, I quickly left when I realized that I was staring. Not that I minded but I
didn’t want to make my very rich guest uncomfortable.
He soon followed and settled next to me on the couch. He looked so cute when
he was asleep, there was a peaceful innocence about him, like a six year old.
"Okay, so the first step is investigation." I said immediately after he sat down.
What I wanted to say though was that I was sorry for waking him up and to
remind him that this work is about sacrifice, that sometimes we have to risk
our comfort to save the lives of others. But hey, this is me.
"You'll need a notebook, a pen, the internet and a very sharp mind, right?"
He looked at me before he stood up to his luggage. He grabbed his briefcase
and came back.

PA
"Uhm, notebook, check. Pen, check. The internet, check and about the sharp
mind, I'm not too sure whether I bought that one or not." he said with his
finger on his chin as if he was thinking. I chuckled.
I was willing to give my all and he looked like he was willing to participate, we
could succeed if we worked like that. But there's a lot of sacrifices to be made,
I can't help wondering if he'll manage.
"Okay, so I like to start by reading the contract. That way I get to know my
client and build a relationship with him before I work with him."
He scribbled something down before turning to his laptop to open the
contract. "Okay, so what exactly are we looking for here?"
He asked as he started reading through the document. When I didn't answer,
he turned to me and said, "You do know that if we'd waited for tomorrow we
would still be doing the same thing? Just at a different time." He squinted his
eyes at me.
I turned to look at him, I had a nice comeback for him but I didn't say
anything. I calmed myself down and politely responded, "Yes, but doing this
tomorrow would set us off by a day. And I reckon you're the one who was
stressing about how big the project is."
I looked at him, but he didn't respond. Serves him right, now that I'm looking
closely at him I can see that he's still quite young. If he were a normal kid he'd
be at university doing his final year maybe. No wonder he is so eager to learn.
Shame.
"Okay, what we want is to know our client, befriend him before we see him. I'll
give you about thirty minutes to read through the document. The best place to
start would be his first name."
He nodded. I assume he understands, so I'm going to the kitchen. I need to eat
something. Great, the bar fridge is locked. Poor customer service. I will drink
water instead, but I am craving something chocolatey. Why did I not buy
anything.
"Sandile. I need to chew something" I shouted from the kitchen.
PA
"I have snacks in my bag" he said dismissively.
One of his bags is actually full of snacks, I searched through it. Wow he has
those expensive chocolates like Ferrero rocher and Lindt. Why am I surprised,
he probably started eating these at three years. Yeah, social gaps do that to us,
you find a three year old telling you about the beauty of table mountain only
to realize that at three, the only adventures you had were chasing chickens
and eating poop. Ferraro it is.
"You want one?" I generously offered.
"No thanks, water will be fine."
I chuckled, he is forgetting me already. I looked at him, he was not even
bothered by what he just said. This guy does not know me.
"In that case you should have mentioned that you'll need a maid." I said as I
went around the couch to sit down. It's three am, wow that's really early. Oh
well, they say that an early bird catches the train… or something like that.
"So who are we working with?" I asked as I feasted on the third piece of my
chocolate, I must say that this is really nice. I've had it a few times before, but I
never see the need to spend so much on just chocolates it makes absolutely no
sense, so I stick to Lunch Bar and Kit Kat, the simple stuff.
"John Clarkson, still married, three kids and two grandkids. His youngest is
around my age." he stood up and went to the kitchen, to fetch water I suppose.
I followed him.
"Sandile, I haven't read the contract, so I need you to be specific. You can't just
assume that I know, that's not how we work." I'm still eating my chocolate and
I'm more than enjoying it. I'd finish the whole box if I continue like this, I think
I've eaten twelve pieces already.
How can he just assume that I know his age. It's absurd.
"You didn't do your homework. I'd think that by now you know everything
about me." he looked pleased with himself.

PA
"Really? At which time exactly?" I looked at him in disbelief, I had no time to
rest yesterday because I was busy booking tickets and packing and finding a
place for us to sleep. He's so ungrateful but I'm not in the mood to take him on,
I’d rather get back to work.
"You haven't told me anything about the guy as yet. What kind of a father was
he, what kind of business was he doing. How is his family keeping up. I need to
know every detail about him." I said following him back to the lounge area.
"In fifteen minutes?" he asked in disbelief.
"No in thirty years. Dude we don't have time for this."
I need a break. This is why I don't work with people, but I'm going to make
this work, for Frank.
"Okay, tell me about yourself." I said randomly. He looked confused, I nodded.
"I'm Sandile Halton. I’m a colored. I am a shareholder at Black Diamond and
I've been one for the past seven years. I am currently—"
"Okay, you hear all that? You have to talk like that about your client. Talk
about them as if you're talking about yourself." I said as I cut him mid
sentence.
He nodded and went back to work. It's nice not having to do all the work by
yourself, to order someone around, especially him. The notification on my
laptop disturbed my thoughts. It's an email. From Jabu. What did I do to
deserve this? He never gives up.

Dear: Sal
Thanks for letting me call you by your nickname, that's
progress right?
I heard you have a documentary in Jozi, all the best.

NB, I'll wait. For as long as it takes.

PA
NNB, I'll reduce the number of emails to one per day,
that's better, right?
Love: Jabu

He's sweet shame. Too sweet for my liking.

I've been having these weird dreams lately and Jabu has been stalking me
each and every day. One email per day, he's funny shame. I've been
entertaining him, responding to his emails once in a while. Through our
communications I've found out that the company he works for once worked
together with Humble Beginnings on a documentary. I was the head of the
team at that time, although I wasn't hands on. That's when he got my details
and according to him, he saw me both times I went to his workplace.
Unfortunately I don't even remember him, but hey, it's me we are talking
about. It took him a while to gather the strength to send me an email, I don't
blame him. Over the past week it's become a routine to check my emails
before I sleep and definitely, I always find one from him. I'm getting used to
communicating with him although I have no intentions whatsoever of going
out with him in the near future.
"Sal, are you ready?" Sandile shouted from the lounge. He's been ready for the
past thirty minutes, I think he's coping better than I thought he would. He
actually loves the job. It's true, this documentary is a lot of work. We've spent
the past weeks gathering information about Mr Clarkson, we've had to make
several calls and visits to his extended family and friends. One of his children
stays in Bloemfontein, and yes we've already went there for about three times,
Mr Clarkson was more closer to her than all his other children. The problem
we're facing is that we can't come up with a strategy to help him. He doesn't
PA
seem to understand that there is a problem with him. And if the client doesn't
acknowledge that he needs help, we can't offer help.
"I'm coming in fifteen minutes" I shouted back as I got out of the shower.
Frank called earlier on asking how everything is going. He's been worried
since I told him about the complications we're facing with this project. I
promised him that we'll fix it, I will do my best.
Today we're meeting Mr Clarkson for the first time. We're still in the
observing stage. Usually I don't have this stage because I work with people
who know they have a problem. But this case is different.
Our theme for today is formal because this guy only takes you serious if you
look serious. So I went with the office outfit, I look like a million Dollars, if I do
say so myself. But how I look today is not my concern, I'm more interested on
my will to work. Hoping that all will go as planned.
"Sandile, we can go now." I shouted as I descended the stairs past his room. He
looked good, in a suit and a tie. What? Takkies?
"Change your shoes so we can go." I instructed as I went out to our rented car.
"What's wrong with my shoes?" he asked innocently.
I left without answering his question. He genuinely thinks that the shoes are
no problem at all. I wonder how he runs a multi-million Rand business. He has
no sense of style at all. I'm not even driving, I haven't been since we came here
and I’m getting used to it. We found a place at Langlaagte where we are
staying for the duration of our project here. It's a small town but it's peaceful,
unlike the rest of Johannesburg plus it's very cheap.
Fortunately Mr Clarkson lives about twenty minutes away from Langlaagte, I
don't expect this stay to be long because we're still in the observing stage. This
has never happened before, I've never had to visit my client on the observing
stage but in this case it seemed compulsory for us to do so, everybody we've
spoken to suggested that we meet him before we start working with him.

PA
"You look beautiful." Sandile said as he fastened his seatbelt, disturbing my
thoughts. I turned to look at him, trying to read his face. It was devoid of any
emotion. He's a closed book this one.
"Thanks, you don't look bad yourself son." I said and looked out the window.
"You do know that I am older than you?"
Trust Sandile to never shut up. I don't know what's wrong with him, he can go
on and on. I'm saved by my phone ringing. The number is not registered.
"Hello?"
"Salamina. How are you this fine morning?"
"If I knew who you were I'd tell you that I'm fine but because I don't know who
you are I will not answer you."
He laughed, and Sandile next to me chuckled. I rolled my eyes at him.
"I'm glad you're okay. All the best for today okay? I'll call you later."
"Okay, but who are you? "
After a long silence he answered, "I'm the father of your children."
He dropped the call at that. I was laughing so hard I didn't even notice that the
line was dead. That is definitely Jabu. He's the only sane person who'd say that
and live.
"And then?" Sandile curiously asked. I looked at him.
"Mind your own, kid." I said as I put my phone back in my bag.
He looked at me in disbelief and shook his head.
"You don't have not one bone of respect in your body, do you?
I said nothing.
"You have to respect me so that I can respect you in return. I'm three years
older than you so please start acting like it!" he stopped the car and got out.

PA
Only then did I realize that we've reached Mr Clarkson's. He was not shouting
when he spoke, in fact he was calm. A bit too calm but firm. He had just
scolded me. Who the hell does he think he is?

"Mr Clarkson, very nice to meet you Sir." I said to the man as I shook his open
hand. He is in his fifties but he looks like a seventy year old. The cigar in the
ashtray still has smoke coming out and the glass of brandy in his hand is half
full. Wait, is that cocaine? Is it even legal?
I saw Sandile scribbling something on his notebook. He hasn't said anything
since.
"What can I offer you?"
Mr Clarkson asked as he led us to his office. It has a big conference table in the
middle that can fit about fourteen seats. The place is very clean and spacious.
"We have something to celebrate with you, let's pop the champagne if you
don’t mind." I said pointing at the unopened bottle of champagne at the
counter. You could swear that the place is a bar, it’s packed with booze. They
both looked at me in confusion, I sat down. He bought the champagne and
three glasses.
"It's very nice to finally meet you sir. I'm Sal and this is Sandile from Humble
Beginnings."
He looked at me as if I was crazy, like I'm speaking in a language that is foreign
to him. Sandile scribbled something down, he's been writing since we came
here. It's clear that I'm on my own. No one spoke so I continued,
"I understand that you are a busy man Mr Clarkson, so I will not waste your
time. We're doing a documentary about you at work, we focus on people's
lives and how they got to where they are today. When we advertised the post,
your wife was the first to call. She told us the story of your journey and what
you've been through until today. So we are here to honor you and the
evidence of your success which is clear..." I said as I motioned my hands
around the room. I saw tears forming in his eyes. He chuckled as he stood to
PA
pour brandy on his glass. He didn't say anything in response and his face was
devoid of any emotion. I can't get to him. This is going to be hard. "Can I call
you George please?" I asked as I stood to open the windows, it was getting hot.
He cleared his throat before saying, "No."
His voice was hoarse. I think from the heavy intake of nicotine. His eyes are
popping out of dark holes and he looked like he hasn't slept in days. But his
jawline and the shape of his face show that this person was well built and
handsome before life screwed him up.
"Alrighty then. Let's celebrate." I felt like a radio with only one station, talking
to myself. I popped open the bottle and poured for all of us. Despite Mr
Clarkson still holding a glass full of brandy.
"Okay everyone, I have a toast."
They looked at me like I'm speaking Greek. Oh well, it's part of the job.
"I want to toast to the world of hardworking man. People who go above and
beyond to cater for the needs of their families. To family, to friendship, to
success and to happiness."
Surprisingly they both said cheers, progress.
"Now, I was planning a small gathering for family and friends which will be a
formal celebration of your success but I need your approval."
I saw his eyes getting teary again. He looked at me and shook his head no
before he walked out of the room.
I know his wife moved out of his house about two weeks ago. She stays in
Bloemfontein with her eldest daughter. I sat down and downed my glass of
champagne. It is non alcoholic, I hate it but it’s part of my job. I smiled at
myself.

PA
"That went well." I said as we sat down to eat at some restaurant in Maponya
Mall. Apparently Sandile doesn't like the food they offer at our BnB, so we're
eating out. He's paying, so I don’t have a problem.
"What are you talking about?" he asked in confusion.
"We were escorted out by the help. He went to sleep in the middle of our
conversation, what progress are you on about?"
I chuckled. He really doesn't understand how this works. Well I don't blame
"I hate it when you look at me with pity like that. As if I'm a clueless human
being and you know everything on earth. Excuse me." he said as he stood from
our table and headed out, to the restroom maybe.
I was left jaw dropped. I didn't do anything. Nothing at all. I asked the waiter
to pack our food. This date is over. He did this in the morning and I overlooked
it, he's doing it again now and trust me I'd be a fool if I let it slide yet again. He
didn't even pay the bill, now I have to pay. I charge interest, he doesn’t know
me!
"What's this all about?" I asked immediately as I got inside the car.
He didn't answer, instead he started the car and drove away. The journey back
to our BnB was long and silent. He parks the car in the garage and doesn't get
out. I stay in too.
"Sal you don't even know me, but you judged me the first time you saw me. I
don't know what you’ve read about me but I'm sure you're clever than
believing what you read on newspapers. You've not given me a chance but
you've already written me off. What did I do?" He was not looking at me as he
spoke. I took my takeaway, my bag and my phone and went to my room.
I'm not even hungry, so I put my food in the fridge and went straight to bed.
I'll bath tomorrow. I put my phone on silent and sleep. Poor Jabu. I'll talk to
him tomorrow.

PA
 CHAPTER
3
It's been two weeks since we visited George. We've been trying to get back
there since then to no avail. The assistant often says that he's busy or he's
sleeping, at the last three visits she told us that he's been shutting himself in
his room smoking and drinking. She told us that he didn't want to see anyone,
more especially us. I told her to relax, he'll come around. We kept on going
back there hoping we would get a positive response. The assistant has been
very helpful though and I asked her to make sure that every time we are there,
she must let him know. Soon he'll realize that we mean business and maybe
take time out for us.
Jabu has been very supportive throughout, the routine has changed from one
email per day to one call in the morning and one email at night and sometimes
two calls during the day and and an email at night. He's very open and
supportive, especially since that episode in the car. Things between Sandile
and I have been strictly business.

Today I finished everything early and decided to take a walk, it's been a long
time since I've had any exercise. So I'll just look around Langlaagte and take in
its beauty before we head out. This place is quite small, there's a school, police
station, a train station and a series of shops in one place.

PA
I'm disturbed by the sound of a car hooter from behind me. Sandile? Oh my
gosh! How long have I been standing here. I was too busy window shopping
and I totally lost track of time
"I hope I didn't keep you waiting for long. I apologize" I said as I quickly
jumped in the car.
"No it's okay, something must've caught your eye in that shop. What is it?" he
asks as we drive away.
"Nothing serious." I say dismissively and look out the window, shutting away
every sound and every picture in this earth.

"Mr Clarkson, very nice to see you again." I said in surprise when he and not
his assistant opened the door for us. It's like he has been expecting us. He
leads us to the dining room this time where juice and some biscuits are laid
out. I wonder how he expects me to work when there's food in front of me.
"Juice?" he offered.
Well, he doesn't have to say that twice to me, I poured juice for myself and
grabbed a chocolate muffin. Yummy.
The plan is that today he will do the talking. We've come up with a strategy
but it will only work if he talks, so let's eat and wait.
We ate in silence for some time, well I don't mind because these muffins are to
die for. I wonder who baked them maybe they can give me a tip or two... Or
the whole recipe.
"I hear you've been coming here a lot trying to disturb my peace." he says
seriously as if he means every word. I'm trying to read his face but I can't
because he doesn't let out any emotion.

PA
"Well, we hear that you've been avoiding us, totally." I say motioning with my
hands, we chuckle. For a moment there he let's go and I get a glimpse of that
beautiful smile his wife told me about. It's funny because that smile is the
reason he got married. His wife said that she saw life bearable through every
sickness and pain,
"That smile took everything away. It made life easier," she said pushing away
tears. "when that smile faded, I saw life become meaningless, unbearable and
lonely. I couldn't do it so I left." She finished that sentence in tears. I don't
blame her, it's hard to stay with someone because you knew who they were.
That's not reason enough to bind yourself to pain because the fact that you
knew them before doesn't mean that you know them now. Although she might
seem like a coward to you, it's better than the pain she would've gone through
if she stayed.
"What do want from me?" he randomly asked. His face was dark with an
emotion I couldn't label, it's like anger but overshadowed by pain and
confusion and betrayal. I can see those emotions because I know them, I know
them so well. My eyes are red with tears as I remember each emotion and it
hits me, the pain that George is feeling is almost unbearable. No amount of
alcohol or cigars or cocaine can numb that pain. I ask for an excuse and run
outside. There are no tears running down my face because I don't cry, I never
cry. I get myself together and go back inside, work mode.
"Are we going to work here? May we please move to the lounge so we can get
comfortable." I said as I downed the remaining juice on my glass. I led the way
to the lounge, my 'I'm-not-joking' face intact. They both come in and sit down,
I remain standing. I stand by the window,my back towards the both of them
and casually ask,
"So George, where is your wife?" I know I've hit a nerve with my question and
I'm willing to force him to breaking point. His face immediately turns dark but
this time I'm not giving in. He's not the boss of me. I believe that sometimes
emotional blackmail works much better than therapy because it breaks the
outer shield of the problem and helps us realize the issue so that we can solve
it using therapy.
PA
"I asked you a question George. Where. Is. Your. Wife?!" I'm now looking him
straight in the eye as I ask this question but I’m cautious not to raise my voice.
He's not backing down.
"Okay then, maybe that question is hard, do you remember Stacey?" I looked
observantly for a response. He flinched as if I've poked him with an arrow. I
smile at the reaction.
"I'll take that as a yes. Well, she was pregnant with her third baby. She gave
birth to a beautiful girl about four weeks ago. Did you know that?"
He's jaw clenched at my statement and I saw a sense of vulnerability as tears
welled up in his eyes. He stands up and walks towards the door but he's too
slow, I beat him to it. He looks at me with eyes full of anger as I block his way
out. He's really angry and right now anything can happen but I'm not backing
down. The reason I suggested that we work at the lounge is because there's no
brandy here and no pack of cigars just a black Led flat-screen TV that takes up
more than half of the lounge wall. This guy has style. I'm still looking directly
into his eyes, the veins on his face are popped out, jaws clenched shut,
eyebrows furiously raised and his eyes are blood red.
"You're done running away from your problems George, you hear me? Right
here and now you're going to deal with it because tomorrow I want to go
home. I've been chasing after you for the past few weeks and I'm done playing
hide and seek. When I leave your house today you'll be the same George that
Linda fell in love with. Okay?"
I'm still looking directly into his eyes and it's getting dangerous. This person is
suicidal in the least and I'm standing in the way of him and death. Who knows
what he can do to me. His eyes have been reduced to slits, and I can see that
he's fighting the urge to grab me with his hands. But I'm not stopping.
"Why didn't you do it? Why didn't you kill yourself when you had the chance
George? Why?" he instantly broke eye contact at that. Whew, I almost died.
He's at the corner of the window looking out, but I doubt he sees anything. I'm
not backing down. I see a few drops of tears rush down his face. He doesn't
wipe them.

PA
"You still love her, don't you? She's the reason why you risk bearing the pain,
Huh? You don't want to leave her alone with the children, isn't it?" I'm moving
closer and closer to him as I ask these questions. Sandile has stopped
scribbling on his notebook and is looking at us like we're insane. My own face
is flooding with tears now and I've had enough of begging but I’m not crying, it
just breaks my heart to see an older person cry, especially a man because we
grew up knowing that men don’t cry. I'm standing about four centimeters
away from him. I push his shoulder harshly and he turns to face me. Now the
tears are running down both on my face and his. I hear Sandile gasp for air. I
don't really care about him that much right now, so I ignore him.
"You will fucking answer me in the name of everything you believe in okay?
I'm done begging you George, I have places to be at but I've been here begging
you to please cooperate. Take a good look around mate, there is no one, you
hear me? No one! If you're so well then where the hell is your freaking
family?" I'm pissed off and I'm shouting now. Crying and poking him with
every word I say. He backs away from me. Out of nowhere he just screams and
punches the wall several times. This is going to be easier than I thought. I
encourage him to continue, to release all the anger and he

"The best part of my job is leaving the person to see for themselves that they
need help. And as I see it we only have one trip remaining before we're done."
I say to Sandile as we sit down for lunch. He's still in shock and he feels like I
didn't do justice to George. I asked him a few questions in between the
screams and left him like that. Now that he's realised that he is messed up, the
next step is to want to be fixed. So we wait for his call, and trust me sooner
than later he will call. That call will mean that our work here is done.
"Trust me on this one, it will work out and if it doesn't we can always try
another strategy. We still have five weeks remaining, that's a lot of time" I
assured Sandile in between sips of my chocolate milkshake.

PA
My phone rings, it's Frank.
"Frankie, your wife must be jealous of me by now." I say, he laughs at my silly
comment.
"You're in a good mood, I take it today was a success?"
"He's really messed up but he's emotional so it was easy to get through to him.
We're waiting for now and looking at the facts, he will call in a week or two."
"Let's hope so."
"I don't work with hope Frank, I work with facts, they're more reliable."
He chuckled before dropping the call. He trusts me, too much.
"Frank was on the line." I told Sandile as soon as he sat down.
"Oh, great. How is he?"
"Well, he's edgy but he'll be fine." I answered honestly.
Luckily we didn't have to wait long for our food. But by the time they brought
the food I had almost finished my milkshake, so I ordered another one. Sandile
looked at me and laughed.
"What's up with you?" I asked, irritated.
"I've never seen a lady who eats as much as you do." he said in between
laughter. I'm not even offended, I have never seen a lady who eats as much as I
do myself. But I have a comeback for him and this time I'm not holding it back.
"Well I'm covering for the time when I didn't have any food to eat. Life has not
been all roses and cream for some of us." I said breaking the laughter. He
looked at me, I know that look by now. He does it every time when he's about
to tell me off. I'm waiting for him to say something but he doesn't instead he
focuses on his salad. You'd swear he's the girl between us, he eats like he's on
a diet.
"Tell me about yourself." he randomly said halfway through our meal. I
dropped the fork and looked at him. He's serious.

PA
"There's nothing to tell," I answered, avoiding eye contact. Who the hell does
he think he is?
"Denial stage." he said before he got back to his salad. I cursed at him. Just
because I taught him now he thinks he's better than me. This guy is
unbelievable. We finished the rest of our lunch in silence and headed back to
the BnB.

"I'm going out for super, you coming?" Sandile shouted from his room after a
few hours.
“No. I'm okay" I shouted back. I'm in no mood for going out, especially because
of Sandile and his uncomfortable questions, I never ask him about his life, why
does he have to know about mine? Let me watch a movie. Generally that's
what I do when I want to hide from the world and be alone. It works. I
promised Jabu that I'll call him, I'll do so before I watch the movie.

I'm disturbed by a knock on the door in the middle of the movie. I pause it and
go open. Who could it be so late at night. Sandile.
"I have a surprise for you. Hey your room is much bigger than mine." he
complained as he peaked in from outside.
"Who the hell gave you my suitcase?" he asked as he started laughing. The one
with the snacks, yes, that's the one I took.
"You were not using it. So I thought I'd keep it safe on your behalf." I
answered, joining in the laughter.
"What surprise were you talking about?" I asked in anticipation.
He picked up something from behind my open door. It's a box of chocolate
sponge cake and a litre of milk. Yummy. A wide smile spread on my face as I

PA
took the box and thanked him. I was about to go feast on it when he told me
there's more. This time his face is more serious. I put the box on the counter
and allow him to come in. He's got something in his hand. A guitar box. Tears
run down my face. For once, I can't stop the pain.

CHAPTER
4
PA
George sent me an email last night. I must say that he took his time, but he's a
prideful man so it's probably twice as hard to admit that you need help. It
happens to the best of us, there are times when you think you're still coping
only to realize that you're just holding onto the illusion of what you want
things to be. We're going there today. For our final visit. Frank was so happy
when I told him, Jabu as well, but for that one I think he's just happy that I'm
coming back soon. He bribed me into meeting with him, he said that because I
don't want to date him we'll be friends instead and I agreed. Yesterday he
reminded me that friends meet for drinks, I had no comeback for that one so I
reluctantly agreed. I told you, the guy never gives up.
"This is going to be a long day." Sandile complained as he started the car. He's
been avoiding the topic of the guitar as much I have. It's beautiful and brown
with a touch of blue and white. The last time I touched it was two weeks ago
when he bought it. He hasn't asked or said anything about it and I'd like to
keep it that way.
"Not really. He's the one who called us, which means that he's ready to work,
so we'll be in and out in no time." I said looking out the window. I don't know
what to expect but I know that this is the last time I'm going there. So the only
time I'll go out will be when I'm done.
"Salamina." he said when he saw me coming towards him. He is sitting outside
under an umbrella and he's wearing jeans and a shirt. Casual, it's the first time
I'm seeing him without a suit. He still has his cigar on his hands and a glass full
of brandy. He shakes my hand and greets Sandile before leading us out the
back to the balcony. He's very hospitable, today there's a jug of ice cold
lemonade on the table. We sit down in silence as he pours the lemonade in our
glasses. I don't know whether he's in the acceptance stage or if he's suicidal.
It's hard to tell because his face never displays emotion.
"If I wanted to kill myself I would've done it the day Linda left," he said as if he
read my mind. I smiled and downed the lemonade in the glass before standing
PA
up. I stretched out my hand and he shook it. He nodded and mouthed a thank
you. I wrote down my numbers and gave them to him. My work is done.
"Anytime you need me I'll be available. Bring her back." I said before I headed
to the door. He looked at me and nodded. I went out, Sandile followed me. In
his email he had invited us for drinks. He said we must come and celebrate, at
the time I didn't understand but now I see that we've done our job. I’ll have to
guide his wife through the process of therapy so that we can be sure that he
gets all the help he needs to be mended.

"Sal, what just happened?" Sandile asked as we sat down for ice cream. It's
quite hot today and if I wasn't wearing this floral summer dress, I'd be
sweating.
"Well, he had called us to thank us for making him realise that he needed help,
he wanted us to see that he's broken through and ready to fix his life." I
explained to Sandile who seemed confused by all this. He still doesn't
understand.
"People are different. Others need us to be with them throughout the process,
mostly women. But others need us to point them in the right direction and
they do the rest themselves, like George."
He nods, I assume he understands.
"Please go check why our ice cream is not here yet" I would've went there
myself but the shoes I'm wearing require me to walk like a lady or not walk at
all. I prefer to not walk at all, walking like a lady is tiring. He comes back with
two large cups of blueberry ice cream. Delicious.
"What was George's problem anyways?" Sandile asks as he hands me my cup.
"He lost his mother, his father and his grandchild in the same year. It was like
a pattern and a month later his wife got diagnosed with cancer. It was too
much for him to bear. In the process of trying to save his wife, he lost himself.
Although Linda's treatment was a success, he wasn't there to celebrate it with
her. He had totally changed, I think it's the fear of knowing that anything can
PA
happen." I explained without emotion, like I'm just narrating a meaningless
story. Sandile looked at me from across the table and nodded. I wonder what's
going on in his mind, it's probably something I wouldn't like to know. We
finished our ice cream and bought another one, I was about to order the last
one when Sandile suggested that we go window shopping at Maponya Mall.
I've never heard of a better idea.

I have had a long but successful day. We could go home tomorrow but I
suggest that we stick around for at least three more days. In case George
needs us. I'm back at the BnB, sitting at the balcony outside my room listening
to music. I spot the guitar leaning by the bathroom door, it's been close to nine
years since I last played. I go to take it with the aim of looking at it and before I
know it my hands are moving with the strings creating a beautiful melody. I
feel tears burn in my eyes and roll down my cheeks furiously, as the melody
goes through my ears and registers in my mind. I let the tears run and the pain
sting. I let it, until I become numb and my hand pains from moving. I'm playing
again. To that realization, the tears flow once again.
I'm woken by the feel of hands wiping away the tears still flowing down my
cheeks. Sandile. He takes the guitar and places it on top of the table. I try to
reach it, I still want to play but I'm tired, too tired to fight. I let him lead me to
the bed, now I'm crying, not screaming but making a low painful sound. I go
on like that until I fall asleep.
I feel a presence in my room, it's beginning to be dark outside. Sandie, he's
sitting here watching me sleep.
"Good morning sleepy head" he jokes.
"What time is it?" I ask, avoiding his joke. He looks at his watch and tells me
that it’s five pm. I've been out for about an hour. My phone rings, it's Frank. I

PA
give it to Sandile who answers it outside. Frank insists on talking to me, so he
brings it back.
"I'm okay Frank, just tired" I protest as soon as I take the phone.
"I know, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday." he chuckles at that, he knows
that I don't celebrate it but every time on my birthday at 17:15 he calls to wish
me well.
"Thanks." I respond to avoid any lengthy conversation. He takes the hint and
drops the call. I'm about to put it on the table when it rings again. It's Jabu. I
answer it subconsciously, it's too late to drop it now, I just have to play along.
"My friend." he says as soon as I pick it.
"Jabu, how are you?" I ask trying to sound cheerful.
"I just wanted to wish you a happy Birthday, are you okay though?"
"Thank you so much friend. I'm okay, just tired." I say trying to cut him short.
He gets the hint, wishes me well and drops the call. Whew! Now I can rest. I'm
just about to settle down when I hear a knock on the door. These people will
be the death of me.
"Please go away" I beg as I pull the covers over my head. The person walks in.
"I'm sorry ma'am, a gentleman is looking for you at reception."
I turned to look at the lady. Is she for real? Yup, she's not joking and she's not
taking no for an answer.
"I'll be down in thirty minutes, thanks" I say as I get off the bed and straighten
the covers. She nods and start to leave. I take a quick shower and brush my
teeth. I wear a cotton maxi dress that hugs me in all the right places, top it off
with a scarf and silver hoop earrings. I wear comfortable wedges on my feet
and apply a maroon shiny Labello. I'm done in twenty five minutes, I grab my
phone and go to the reception. What would George be doing here at this time?
And why would he come here without calling first. The lift is full, so I take the
stairs. I'm at the second floor anyways. I'm walking like a queen because I
know that I look good, I walk slowly scanning the place for a familiar face but I
PA
see no one. I'm at the bottom of the steps and I'm looking around, I feel a hand
touch me lightly on the small of my back, I look up. He is handsome and he has
style. He's wearing jeans which I'm quite sure I've never seen before, it's like
casual-formal designer jeans with a cotton top and a navy blue blazer. He's
formal without a tie and his cologne marks a territory. I'm sure I've never seen
this face before but he looks so familiar. Jabu. I smile at the realization and he
smiles back. He hasn't said a word, he leads me outside to his car. And I
obediently follow, it's like a charm. Ah! A Mercedes-AMG E 53 4MATIC+
Coupé, these cars are not even out yet. I told you he has taste. He leads me to
my door and opens it for me, I get inside and he closes the door. He takes his
time to walk from my door to his. The guy is full of himself shame. He enters
on the drivers side and sits down. He doesn't start the car instead he stares at
me. For what seems like a lifetime we stay there looking into each others eyes.
He chuckles and turns away.
"Salamina." he says, as if he's trying to convince himself that it is really me. I
smile and look at him one more time. He's perfect, everything is in place, it's
like whoever made him took time to carve out each piece in perfection. The
silence in the car has become a third person, as we take time to study one
another.
"Hi." I say after some time. The sound of my voice echoing in the car. He
smiles.
"You sound like an angel" he says and starts the car. I don't even ask where we
are going because I trust this guy. I've spent the whole of three minutes with
him, why shouldn't I trust him?
"Thanks. You're breathtaking." Huh? What did I just say?
He chuckles and turned to look at me. He shook his head before turning his
eyes back to the road.
The place is beautiful, it's an exclusive restaurant with the classical music
band and the perks. He tells me to wait in the car while he goes in for a few
seconds. I look at myself in the rearview mirror and for once I wish I had
applied at least one layer of foundation or even a concealer.

PA
He opens the door and offers me his hand, I take it and exit the car. He shuts
the door and pushes me against it, quickly but gently. He's merely inches away
from me, his breath brushes against my cheek as it becomes faster and faster.
I breathe him in, he smells so good. I'm almost lost in his scent when he
whispers in my ear, "Happy 24th birthday beautiful"
Usually that statement is meaningless to me but today, as he whispers it in my
ear, I feel like I never would have survived without hearing it. I wrap my arms
around his neck and look him in the eye. He smiles and leads me inside. He
could've kissed me, oh well, people of ethics and morals. The place is even
more beautiful inside with the eye catching chandeliers and crimson white
walls. He's holding my hand as he leads me to an exclusive room. It's cozy and
warm and very private. As expected he draws the chair for me before I sit
down. He orders something in Sotho, so I don't even know what it is. He
stretches his hand across the table and I hold it, he looks at me and mouths a
‘you look beautiful tonight’ I smile and thank him. He ordered a velvet cake
with birthday candles and juice. I laugh as the waiters come in singing a
birthday song. He joins them and it's so sweet. Tears rush down my face and I
let them, I haven't cried for joy in a long time. The thought hits me, bringing
back memories of the last time I had a birthday celebration, there was a cake
and candles like this and people singing songs and laughing. Tears pour down
my face and my throat blocks, the thoughts pounding my head so painfully I
instantly get a headache. I can't fake it anymore, I run outside and leave them
there, I hear the noise subside as I reach outside but I'm too emotional to care.
It's like my sight is blurry, I run to a tree out back and kneel under it, my knees
too weak to carry me. The pain, long forgotten comes back as if it was
yesterday when it all happened. I let it, I cry until I can't anymore, until I'm
numb to the pain once again.
I feel Jabu lift me up and lead me back to the hotel, I do everything he instructs
because my mind is still in confusion and can't rebel. Truly speaking if it were
another case I wouldn't have went back inside the hotel. My everything is
swollen, I just need to take a hot shower and sleep. But Jabu here is having
none of that.

PA
"What's up with you?" he asks as he settles in his chair. I don't have the
strength to talk, so I don't answer. Instead I ask him to take me home, which
he does but he takes me to his place and not mine. I'm too tired to argue so I
let him, in fact I'm happy because his place is closer to where we were. I type a
message to Sandile, telling him that I'm with Jabu and I won't be returning. I
take a five minute shower, wear his t-shirt and throw myself in the bed. I don't
care where I am, as long as I get some rest, which I do almost instantly.

I think sometimes we fall in love with the idea of love and the illusion of
finding a good guy and being in a good relationship. I mean, sometimes we sit
there and we fantasize about having the perfect guy who brings us roses at
work and kisses us good night. But are we really ready for the drama of
answering questions like, "why didn't you tell me?", "what time is this?" and
the most famous one, "where were you last night?" Let's face it, relationships
are hard work and although the idea of it sounds appealing, try doing the
actual thing, it's no child's play. What I'm trying to say is that Jabu is a good
guy but I don't think I'm ready for the drama, the questions and the series of
sacrifice. Yesterday made me realise that as much as Jabu cares, he is still self
centered and very much male, that's the only reason why he'd bring me to his
house at a time when I'm more vulnerable. He has absolutely no compassion,
the way he asked me those questions, as if he didn't even care about me. Men!
Luckily he's not in the house when I wake up, I make the bed and take a quick
shower. When I finish he's still not back so I write a little letter and leave it on
the counter. I call a cab and in less than ten minutes I'm on my way back to my
rented home. I take it you’d want to know what I wrote in that letter, right?
It's nothing serious, I didn't tell him to back off and stuff like that, it simply
read,
Jabu.

PA
Thanks for last night. I'd like to keep it at that, see you around mate.

Sal.

I was perfectly fine when I left Jabu's but right now I feel like I'm carrying 50
Kilograms of mealie meal on my shoulders and my head is killing me. Sandile's
room is at the ground floor so I go there, I don't even knock. Once inside I go
straight to the fridge and grab a bottle of cold water, I down half of it in one go.
I'm sweating. Sandile comes in through the back door and rushes to me, he
helps me out of my dress and wraps me in a towel before leading me out into
the balcony. I breathe in the fresh air, I needed that.
"There's a lot of things that the media has written about me which are not
true." Sandile says as he brings me a glass of sugar water, he sits opposite me
with his back to my face.
"I never had it roses and cream when I grew up. Mr Halton was my adoptive
father, he and his wife found me when I was fifteen years old and they took me
in because Mr Halton was sick. They were barren and throughout their
marriage had no child. They didn't want to adopt but were forced by
circumstance to take me in. I knew Mr Halton for only two years, and in that
two years he was more of a mentor than a father, but he was the closest thing I
had to a father. I was happy and in a way I was loved. When he passed away,
he was confident that his business would succeed because of me. His wife
followed him three months later. She finalised all the documents and
thereafter took her life, like Romeo and Juliet, they had sworn an oath that one
will not live without the other. I can't begin to describe the pain I felt losing
the only people I called family. I promised myself that I'll do my best to honor
the two years I had with them. Which was by far the best two years of my life."
he smiles as he narrates the story of his past and I wonder how he does it.
How he forgave his parents for abandoning him.
"What happened to your parents?" I find myself asking. I expect to see him
flinch or curse at their mention but he doesn't, he's forgiven the past. I really
am in the denial stage. Tears run down my face as I realize the meaning of my
PA
confession. I'm sick. I've been sick all along. Sandile is rubbing my back, I
realize that I've been sobbing badly. He asks nothing, he understands, I know
now.

There is that part of your life that you just want buried and forgotten. Most of
the times we don't deal with that part, we learn to be numb towards it as we
continue with our lives and sooner than later those memories, the pain
become a no go area. But we survive those through avoidance and negligence.
It's worked out for me for the past seven years but right now, lying in this bed
looking at the ceiling I know that I've been fooling myself. I never defeated the
pain, I never even fought with it, I just avoided everything to do with it and
now having to go back. It's the hardest thing ever. Sandile is going to have to
forgive me. I'm not going back there. The past stays in the past. I am fine all by
myself, I've been fine. I don't need to accept anything and I certainly don't
need to forgive anything. I convince myself as I fall asleep under his cove

CHAPTER
5
I've been having these dreams, actually it's one dream and I keep having it
over and over. For the past few weeks I've been avoiding it but today, in this
bed, it was too clear and it felt too real. In this dream I'm wearing a beautiful
white cashmere dress that reaches just above my knees with diamond
earrings that look very expensive and on my feet I'm wearing beautiful white
sandals. I didn’t know that I look so beautiful in white. Anyway, it's like I'm
walking uphill in a gravel path that's framed by trees on both sides, as I

PA
continue walking my dress becomes dirty with each step that I take and then
it starts raining, the rain doesn’t only make my dress wet but it makes it dirty
as well. I feel pain in my body with each stain that touches my dress. I become
tired as I continue walking and the pain in my body becomes unbearable. And
then suddenly it's like I'm walking on a red carpet aisle with people cheering
for me on either side of it, like I'm a model. They don't pay attention to my
dirty dress or my pain, they keep on cheering. I try to scream for help but
everybody is too busy cheering to care. I see myself in the distance, tears start
to roll down my eyes as I realize that my hand is stretched out but I'm too far
away and I can't reach for help. When I wake up I have dried tears in my face
and my body pains. But it was probably just a dream.
Sandile comes in with a tray of food but for once in my life I'm not hungry, I
don't even feel like eating chocolate. I'm still tired from that dream, I need a
hot shower. Great, Sandile brought me my things.
"Thanks." I say as I take my toiletry bag and head to the shower. He nods in
response. Yesterday was tiring, too much happened. Jabu hasn't called since,
I'm happy but I'm disappointed. I thought that at least he'll call to find out how
I’m feeling after yesterday. I had stopped expecting care from people a long
time ago but here I am, seven years later looking for the same thing I gave up
on. Life will humble you.
I come out of the shower almost an hour later feeling even more tired. Who
ever said that a hot shower is refreshing was straight out lying, because it's
not. I'm wearing a tracksuit bottom, an oversized shirt and sleepers. I'm too
tired to comb my hair, so it's is tied up in a messy bun and I don't even care. I
look like a mess but I'm very comfortable, now let me find Sandile.
"Thanks for letting me sleep in your room and for everything else." I say as
curl up next to him on the couch.
"It's cool, what are friends for?" he says with a smile.
"I don't know." I answer honestly. I think the last time I had a friend was in
high school, seven years ago. From then to now, I think along the way I forgot

PA
what a friend really is for. He turns to look at me, he wants me to explain
further. I'm in the mood for a chat so I do,
"I think I have forgotten what friends are for, I haven't had any friends
recently.”
I sigh at my confession. It sounds stupid when I say it loud.
"Why?" he asks quietly.
"Well, the last bunch of friends weren't really there at a time when I needed
them most, they forgot what friends are for. So, I think that now it's my turn to
forget"
"What happened?"
"A lot happened Sandile." I say and look away. He doesn't push. That's what I
like about him, he understands.
After some time he says, "The guitar?"
I know. It's a full question, these two words are asking me for a thousand
answers, I breathe deeply, "My father." I say and hope that these two words
will be answer enough for him, that I won’t have to talk.
I feel my eyes burn with tears as I say them, it's not the words, it's the
memories. He nods, I know he gets me.
"I'm coming back just now." he says as he starts to leave. He comes back
shortly carrying the guitar. I look at him, he doesn't say anything. He sits on
the coffee table and faces me, guitar in his lap. He brushes it before stroking
the strings. He plays sing like a bird, tears roll down my face as I realize the
rhythm and the beat. Although tears are running down my face, I'm not crying,
I can't cry, I don’t cry.
"This is the song you were playing that day, what does it mean to you?" he
continues to play softly as he asks his question.
"He used to sit in his chair and play for us, we'd all sit around him and listen to
his songs, sometimes he sang to the rhythm. Njengenyoni encane endiz' emafini

PA
ngifuna ukucula njengenyoni. (Like a little bird, flying in the clouds, I want to
sing like a bird)"
He joins me as we sing along with the strings and it's a beautiful harmony. I
raise my eyes and look directly into his, they are crystal black, like a pearl. He
sings beautifully.
"Your voice is so beautiful" I say as we end the song in a low note. He looks at
me and smiles, but his eyes are questioning me, saying everything his mouth
refuses to utter. I can't really tell whether it's care or curiosity. I don't care
which it is either. I've been hurt in my life, really hurt. I've been betrayed by
people I trusted the most. I've been hurt by the people who are meant to
protect me, you know the people who are never really appointed by anyone
but who are just there to protect you by default? Yes, it's those people who
betrayed me. I've been misled by the people who are supposed to be showing
me direction and I've been rejected by people who are supposed to accept me
even if the whole world rejects me. I've been through hell and high waters and
maybe somewhere along the line I forgot myself, I don't know and really, it
doesn't even matter. In that journey I found something more valuable to me
than self respect, I found independence, a chance to smile over the pain, to
depend fully on myself and understand my capacity, a chance to not give a
damn. I don't care. So, really people aren't the most important aspects in my
life. I can live without them, I have for the past seven years.
"Thanks Sal, you sing like an angel yourself." he said after a while. I'll take that
as a compliment, although I'm quite sure he's never, in his life heard an angel
sing. Oh well, what can I say?

George’s wife called me, she's back home with her husband. She says it's going
to be a long way but they're both willing to work things out. ‘He smiled!’ she
said when I asked her how things were, the excitement and happiness audible
in her voice. Our work here is done, so tomorrow we're going back to KZN. I
PA
had a good time here shame, revived feelings, emotions and memories which I
thought were long dead and buried. I'm about to go tell Sandile the good news
when my phone starts ringing, it's an unregistered caller.
"Hi?" I say it more like a question than a statement. I'm wondering who could
be calling at this ungodly hour. I'm sure it's not work because work hours are
strictly nine to five.
"Salamina. You can't hide under that shield anymore, it's warm outside. Come
out under your covers or find another place to hide, your cover has been
broken."
I'm silent for a moment. The woman is speaking in English and as far as I
know, I can perfectly understand it. But I'd be lying if I said I understood
whatever she just said.
"Who am I talking to?" I try hard to keep calm as I ask.
"I'm Jabu's mother, he told me about what happened at your birthday party. I
know what you're going through, that's why I stole your number and called
you. I don't have airtime my daughter but I wanted to tell you to keep—"
At that the line went dead, she ran out of airtime. Well, judging by the way she
fluently speaks the language, I'd say she's very educated. I might not want to
admit it but I know exactly what that woman was talking about. Whatever.
Who does she think she is to talk about things she doesn't even know. And
that Jabu guy, he says nothing to me all this while but runs to tell his mom
about my personal life. He clearly doesn't know me very well. Stuff him!
"Sandile! I was talking to Linda earlier on, she tells me that everything is going
well so f ..." I stopped in my steps when I saw him, he's wearing nothing but
boxer shorts and he's lifting a fifty kg. He's caramel skin is glittering with
sweat as the fading sunlight is projected to his body. Now that I think about it,
the guy doesn’t even look a bit white but either way, he looks breathtaking.
My hands get the urge to run through those abs.
"You're staring." He says as he grabs a towel and wipes off the sweat

PA
"I wouldn't be if you'd put on some clothes like a decent person and hide that
temptation." I bit my lip trying to take back the words I had just said, my
mouth does not know when to shut up. He laughs and turns to look at me. I
look at his eyes and his moist lips, they're tempting. I look at his broad chest
and the masculine abs. He's not ridiculously masculine, but he's built in a way
that just invites you to touch and feel. I stop right in front of him, my hand
lands on his stomach, I explore each and every part of it. His breath quickens
as I reach down where his abs form a v like shape. I quickly remove my hand
and step back, realization strikes me like lightning. The sane part of my mind
tells me that this situation is already awkward, I must go. I turn around with
the intention of going but before I do, the other part of my mind points out the
fact that he didn't stop me and his breathing is still uneven. Believe it or not,
this is the part of my brain I usually avoid but today my feet make a one
hundred and eighty degrees turn and before I know it my hands are around
his neck and my lips are devouring his. This celibacy thing I had started was
working perfectly fine for me these past years before I saw his body.
What am I doing? I quickly let go of him as fast as I had went onto him and
literally run out to my room. After I had slept my way through the ladder in
the business world, I swore to never have sexual relations with a colleague, or
any other relations for that matter. What is happening to me? Lately I've been
breaking my own rules and opening up places I had sworn to never ever open
again. I've been reliving the pain that kept me hostage for such a long time in
my life, how can I open the door to the life I had sworn never to even think
about again? How can I?
I didn't hear him opening the door, but I knew it was him when he placed his
hand on the small of my back and rubbed it lightly in circles. I'm a mess but
he's not complaining. He's quiet, too quiet.
"Sandile I can't anymore, it's too much." I say as I feel the air piling up in my
chest making it hard for me to breathe. It's as if the walls of the room are
closing in on me and it hurts. I cry, for real this time. It's like all these years the
tears have been piling up and now it's all unleashed. It hurts so bad.

PA
"I hate him Sandile!" I say as he brings me closer to rest in his chest and he
continues rubbing my back. I can't see him but I can feel that he's here for me
and he's listening. Although he doesn't understand what is happening, he's
here, truly speaking I don't either but I can't stop crying.
"I trusted him, Sandile. He was supposed to protect me, he was supposed to be
there for me. He promised! He promised that he'll stay, he promised!”
I'm hitting his thigh with my fist, not really sure if it hurts or not but it’s
supposed to. I know that I'm hurting the wrong guy but it’s not my fault that
he's the one who’s available. He doesn't know what to say, but he doesn't stop
me. Truly speaking, I don't want him to say anything I just want him to listen
and be strong for me. I cry harder as the memories rush back to my mind so
vividly. Every picture that comes back it's like someone thumps me with a
hammer in my head. The headache I'll suffer from!
"I was sixteen! Only sixteen and I told him that we shouldn't do it, I told him to
wait but he said no. He said he'll be there throughout, he said he'll make sure
that it doesn't happen. I had a dream Sandile, I had a dream and he ruined it
for me. I hate him!" I cry even harder as it registers in my mind that I really do
hate him. I'm tired of hitting him so I stop. But I'm not done crying yet. He rubs
my back in silence as we share my pain, he listens, I just hope he hears too.
"My family was wealthy. My uncle was the king at that time. I told my father
first before my mom because I thought that maybe because he's a man too
he'll understand. Hell! I've never been so wrong in my life. He looked at me
like I was nothing! He looked at me like he was looking at a prostitute rather
than his own child! He hated me immediately after that! Isn't a fathers love
supposed to be unconditional? Aren't they supposed to fight those who fight
you? Aren't they?!"
I keep quiet for a moment as I re-experience the pain and the hurt.
"I was so hurt" I say and cry all over again. I have never and will never be that
hurt in my life. He hurt me so much. I cried and cried and cried, I don't
remember when I stopped feeling the pain, but somewhere along the line it
became a thing of the past.

PA
"He hurt me so much" I added in like a whisper. He hugged me closer and the
tears began falling all over again. I needed this hug eight years ago, from my
father. But he couldn't even look in my direction at that time. I was a disgrace
to him.
I cried until I fell asleep. I couldn't talk anymore. I had already said enough.

It's three am and I've run out of sleep. I've never struggled with sleep before.
Maybe it's a stage, or a midlife crisis, I'm not too sure. I'm hungry and there's a
very enthusiastic drummer in my head who's playing his drums in
determination. Ignore the fact that he's playing in my head, and don't even ask
me how I know it's a he. Sandile is cuddly, I have to untangle myself from his
arms slowly so to not wake him up. There's yoghurt in the fridge and there's
Blue labels in Sandile's suitcase, the one I'm keeping for him. I sit at the
balcony and eat, looking at the clear black sky decorated with a few stars
which makes it glitter in the light of the moon. It's a work of art. I'm done
eating in no time, I did say I was hungry. After a few minutes I'm already
bored, oh well there's a guitar in this house, how can I be bored. I close the
door leading to the balcony to avoid making noise for Sandile, shame, poor
guy. He cares too much. I let all my thoughts and feelings subside as I allow the
music to consume me. This time I don't cry but I play in harmony with the
drummer guy in my head, I don't know when I fell asleep again.

Remember the dream? I didn't have it today, I had gotten so used to it that it
felt awkward when I woke up from a different dream. In this dream there was
sunshine, although the sun was scorching hot and at some point felt like a
drought but there was sunshine and flowers too. I was wearing floral clothing
and sandals, I looked good and comfortable too, although I was a little
sunburnt, not that it matters because I am dark skinned. Sandile is already
awake and I think he's gone jogging. I've noticed that he's very health
conscious. I'm health conscious too, I walk to work everyday when I don't
have money to hire a car and I can assure you that I walk in the house from

PA
one room to another. I'm hungry, for real food this time, yoghurt and cakes
aren't really food. Let me order breakfast, the full thing with eggs and toast
and all that. Sandile walks in with a box from Spur just as I'm about to dial the
room service number.
"I was just about to order food." I say as I put down the phone.
"I told you that I don't like the food in this place." he says confidently. He
bought double of everything for me. I look at him inquisitively. He hides his
face with both his hands and shrugs. It's so sweet, like a baby. I laugh at his
reaction.
"I'm going to bath first before I eat." I say as I grab a vienna and head to the
bathroom. I think I'll just make the bed first before I bath.
"Weren't we supposed to be going back home today?" I shout from the
bedroom.
"It's not the right time yet, I'll tell you when we can go." he shouts back. I keep
quiet. I wonder who made him the conductor of this trip. Men!
"I spoke to Frank last night, he passes his greetings." he continues to say.
"Why would he call you and not me?" I ask in confusion.
"He did call on your phone but you were asleep so I answered it." he says
apologetically. There's really no reason to apologize because he did nothing
wrong, but he doesn't need to know that.
"Okay." I say, just to assure him that it’s okay to breathe.
🎁

"Thanks for sleeping over and for carrying me to the bed." I say as I sit next to
him by the pool. It's quite hot today but I'm not swimming, I hate water. He's
not swimming either, so I don't look awkward. He doesn't say anything,
instead he looks at me and nods. I'm not really good at these 'I'm sorry' and
'Thank you' talks, it makes me feel awkward and I hate that. He deals better

PA
with awkward moments than me, like now, he's acting as if nothing happened
yesterday and I couldn't be more grateful. I nod back at him and stand to
leave.

The balcony is much cooler than the poolside, so I'm sitting here sipping juice
from a wine glass and looking like a queen. I've been playing a lot these days,
the guitar I mean. I remember that music was once a huge part of my life. At
thirteen I could already play both the guitar and the piano. I already wrote
music too. At some point in life I wanted to be a musician, even if I didn't
become one, I had always thought that music would be a great part of my life. I
take the guitar and stroke it gently making a rhythm I can't remember. Senzo.
My first love, I wrote this song when I broke it off with him. He is one guy I
don't have ugly memories about, he loved me, we loved each other so much. I
remember when I realized that I shouldn't have broken it off with him, that I
couldn't live without him, I gathered all my strength and went to him to
apologize. He forgave me, I knew he did. I knew him like I knew myself. We
were so close, friends more than lovers. He forgave me but it was too late. He
had moved on. I sing along with the guitar when I reach my favorite part of the
song, ‘when love comes knocking at your door, you shut it out and go ‘cause
foolishness had caught long, long, long ago’ I guess I had foreseen my life at
thirteen, foolishness caught me long, long, long ago. It caught me together with
pain, suffering and rejection too.
“You really do sing like an angel.” Sandile says from somewhere behind me. I
overlook the fact that he's never heard an angel sing once again. He likes lying
this one. But it's coming from a sincere place so I let him lie in peace.
"Thanks again." I say. I really want to make conversation but it's not really my
strong point so I end up asking him what he is doing in my room. He laughs.
"You really suck at this." he says in between laughter. I could refuse and say
he's lying but he's telling the truth so I just shrug my shoulders and smile.
"I'm trying though aren't I?" I ask honestly.

PA
"Why?" he asks, I understand his question. It's loud and clear but I don't have
an answer for it.
“I don't know." I answer honestly. He doesn't push. Instead he asks,
"The song you were playing?"
I smile, "I was thirteen when I wrote it. I had just broke up with my first
boyfriend, Senzo." I say and look at him. He is smiling, it's cute I know. He
doesn't ask any more questions so we sit in silence, my hands on the guitar. I
feel like he deserves to know, he's been around enough and patient through it
all. So I start,
"I've been through a lot in my life." I say and study his face for a reaction. He
doesn't say anything but he's here, he's listening and that's all I need to
continue.
"After I broke up with Senzo, I didn't have it easy. I depended on him for a lot
of things so I didn't wait long to get another boyfriend. He was just a
replacement for Senzo, but he did the work just right. We dated for about
three months before he started wanting sex." I sighed.
"I'm from a rural place but our community values education because we've
had many success stories through it. Ours was a very good community, the
best place to raise a child and they were united, loving and full of care. I don't
know what changed. My family and his were some of the few privileged
families, we had running water and electricity so we were quite the ‘its’. We
went to the same school, him and I. Our parents took us to those schools
where you pay a fortune for education and I will always be grateful for that
foundation. He introduced me to his parents as his wife, that was very exciting
and I felt loved. Unlike my parents, his were easy going, and soon I became a
frequent there. I managed to refuse him sex for some time but at the end he
resorted to blackmail. Saying that I didn't love him enough because I'm still
withholding some of myself from him. I felt like I was losing him. Each day, we
grew further and further apart and I thought that it was time. That maybe if I
give him what he wants, I would save us. He promised me that he won't get
me pregnant. He said that even if he did, we are going to be together, he won't

PA
leave me. He said I should trust him and I did." Tears run down my face as I
remember, but I'm not crying yet.
"I did get pregnant, unfortunately and when I told him, he blamed it all on me.
Said that I talked him into it and that I should deal with it. Two days later he
said that the child isn't his, we never even slept together. I cried Sandile, for
days and days but I didn't get a solution. So I told my father." Now I start to
cry, this is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me and I wish it
on nobody else as much as I don't care about them.
"No girl should ever go through such rejection and hurt. He called me words
even my enemies wouldn't call me, he disowned me. I didn't know black
parents did that too but he did. You know, my father and I were the most
closest people in our family, we shared almost everything and I was the first
person he taught to play. We communicated through music and the day he
kicked me out of his house I swore that music and I were done."
I'm wiping away tears with my sleeve as I narrate. I never thought I would
ever talk about this to anyone. He senses the tension building up on me and he
gives me a tight hug, rubbing my back and it's the most comforting thing I've
ever experienced. He's been nothing but kind to me and I feel that he deserves
the whole story, so I'll tell it as much as it hurts.
“When my mother found out that I had lost my virginity and I was pregnant
she got furious like any other mother would. She was so disappointed in me
and instantly lost hope in any success whatsoever for me. As you might know
that rural people strongly believe that a brighter future is that with marriage
and children and with that situation no one was going to marry me. So, she
kicked me out of her house, even though I begged her to let me stay and I
promised to behave better. I begged my father but he didn't even want to talk
to me, he didn't want to even see me. It hurt me so bad to be a disappointment
to my family. At that time, that is what hurt me more than anything. I wished
there was something I could do to remove their pain but there wasn’t. If there
was I would've done it instantly. There was no future for me. I didn't have a
place to go and the thought of giving birth to a child under those
circumstances killed me. I was not going to give my baby up for adoption
PA
because I don't know how they would treat her and I didn't want her to suffer,
not once in her life. I killed my baby, I aborted it."
I cry bitterly at the thought that my doctor told me that I wouldn't have
children again. It's a sacrifice I was willing to take, Mvelo deserves it.
"I named her Mvelo, getting rid of her was hard but I knew it was better for
her. I tried to go back home, I told them I aborted it and they called me a killer
and a witch and they kicked me out again. That year was the hardest year in
my life. My mother. I still remember her expression. She was nauseated,
angered by my presence in her ‘precious compound’, She called me names in
the midst of the whole neighborhood, said things to me that no parent should
ever say to their child. I ran away, so fast. I didn’t want to stop, I just ran and
ran and ran. I was so hurt that day I smoked marijuana for the first time in my
life,”
I’m trembling, my whole body is shaking and the walls of my independence
that had covered so well the scars of my past went tumbling down. I felt
naked, vulnerable and scared. I am there again, at that place I said I'll never
visit. Sandile hugs me tight, so tight as if he feels the pain but I know he
doesn't. I let out, I release the tears that remained from all these years. This is
far from over, these bruises run way deeper than the surface.

PA
 CHAPTER
6

I don't really know when we fell asleep, it's only seven pm. Sandile is holding
on to me like I'm a precious jewel, I feel warmth and for the first time in a long
time, I feel like I can count on him, like he understands me. But it's not enough,
I have to let out everything that is in my chest, I want to be free, I've done
enough of hiding to last me a lifetime. He wakes up as I try to untangle myself
from his grip. He draws me closer and doesn't let go. I let him, we stay like that
for a few seconds, moving to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I feel like I'm
almost free, like I’m a step closer to a better me. My body feels lighter, like I've
lost weight or something, and the air feels refreshing, as if every breath is a
victory, an achievement. Finally he let's go and he heads out, I assume he's
going to his room. I'm going to take a shower, I've had a long day of sweat and
tears, literally. I put on pyjamas and head back to the lounge. A few moments
later Sandile comes back with the chocolate fudge cake I was supposed to eat
on my birthday. He kept it. I smile as he sits next to me with it. He's wearing a
short, a T-shirt and flops. That's the most casual I've ever seen him, not that he
fits in the formal department either. He hands me one fork and keeps the
other for himself. We devour the cake like it's the last we’ll ever eat.
PA
"How did you survive all that?" he asks carefully, not meaning to open old
wounds. If he had asked me this question a few days ago I would've gladly told
him where to get off but today I do want to talk so I start,
"Kwa Nzimakwe is not very far from Durban, I hiked on a train immediately
after that saga, hoping that it'll take me to a place I've never seen before,
where no one will find me. Nevermind the fact that no one was going to even
look for me. I was scared but I had to be strong, I had to do it all on my own.
Abortion wasn't very popular then and to everyone there I was just a killer, I
tried explaining my actions but they didn't want to listen, as far as they knew I
was a witch. They never even gave me the benefit of the freaking doubt."
You can condemn me along with them, tell me that I killed an innocent soul,
tell me that I'm a killer but I don't care. I sleep peacefully at night knowing
that my child is at a better place, a place where I am sure she's not hungry or
cold, so go on and crucify me but I know that I gave her the best I ever could as
a parent at that time. He looked at me, not with eyes that judged me but with
eyes that show understanding and sympathy. I continued,
"I went from selling drugs to prostitution and back. The first month was a
struggle, I couldn't afford anything because I was saving towards writing my
matric. I went from abandoned warehouse to parks to street corners,
wherever the night got me that's where I slept. I managed to get a place, R200
a month and judging from its appearance, it was hell of expensive. Furniture,
food and clothes were the last thing on my mind at that time. It took me three
months to study and finish my matric. I was seventeen when I finished, I
passed. The only thing I had with me was my ID and matric certificate, that's
all I needed. When I turned eighteen I quit prostitution and drug smuggling, I
found myself a job but the money wasn't enough. I worked as an admin intern
at some hotel, they had a uniform so I didn't struggle with what to wear. I
bought a three year experience certificate by sleeping with the boss."
I turned to look at him, I expected disgust and nausea from him but he looked
at me as if I've been telling him that I came up with the cure for cancer. The
guy is unbelievable. So I continued,

PA
"I applied for an internship at Humble Beginnings with my fake three year
experience. And yes, I slept with the human resource guy and I got the job."
He laughs at that. I don't think he knows that I mean it, but that's none of my
business.
"Frank knows that I bought the three year experience and that I bribed my
way into the job. I don't like keeping secrets, I believe in facts."
I'm sure you're thinking that what I'm saying is cliche, but to tell you the truth,
I don't keep secrets. This is not a secret, it's a past I prefer not to talk about.
By the time I realise, we've eaten the whole cake. Savage. We both laugh as we
realise that the cake is finished, "This is definitely going to give me a sugar
rush," I say and we laugh all over again.
"We’re going home tomorrow." he says thoughtfully, he thinks I'm healed.

I feel a lot better today. I've packed my bags and I'm ready to go, but I'm still
waiting for drama queen, Sandile to finish bathing. He takes about two hours
minimum in the shower. Imagine!
I'm sitting at the balcony playing my guitar. I don't think a day has gone by
without me playing it lately. I'm playing a song that I was writing before I quit
music. I never finished writing it but I remember the lyrics, ‘Show me the
color of love, tell me the sound that it makes just so I will be sure that my
heart has known the truth.’ I was at a stage of confusion, I needed someone
to explain love to me, I needed clarity but I never got it. Well, it's all in the past
now.
"Your lyrics are just so pure and meaningful"
Sandile says clapping his hands. He's right, my lyrics are not just for the sake
of making music, my lyrics are a way of conveying emotions and messages. I

PA
look at him and roll my eyes, seriously, if I could say thanks once again I'm
sure the word would lose its meaning.
"Now can we go?" I ask sarcastically, he laughs and nods.
"Thanks for this, I think it's the best gift I've ever received" I say pointing to
the guitar. He gives me a big bear hug that almost squeezes the life out of me.
He's happy. He thinks I'm healed. The funny thing about healing is that it's a
process, talking about your problems means that you’ve acknowledged that
you have a problem and believe it or not, that is the first step. There's still a
long way to go. But I feel better, I feel human.

“Aren't you coming? Why aren't you taking out your bags?” I ask when he only
takes out my luggage. He smiles at me and says,
“You have been a good hostess Miss Nzimande, but I have to go to work, we'll
meet up sometime.”
He hugs me and boards his private jet. I'm about to get inside my rented car
when he shouts at me,
“You are very good at what you do Sal. Keep on taking care of people and don’t
forget to take care of yourself too.”
He waves and I blow a kiss. He turns to go. I feel like I'm losing a piece of me,
like the air isn't so fresh anymore. It's going to be a long drive.

The sound made by this guitar has turned from sweet to nauseating and
irritating. I’ve never heard a more disturbing sound!
It’s been about three weeks since I last played, amazing transformation right?
Yeah, it's been about the same period since I’ve had any contact with Sandile.
Jerk! These days he’s always busy and I hardly get to talk to him, the oxygen
has turned back to its original dull taste and the weight I felt removed a few
weeks ago has returned about tenfold. Life is amazing I tell you, one moment
you’re up and the next you fall down like lightning. I’m not complaining that
PA
much, just a little. But I’m a big girl, I’ve been through this before and I will get
through it sooner or later. The stress of doing nothing these past two weeks
drove me back to work. I’m an extra now, talk about downgrading! But I’m
enjoying my job because I do everything from making tea to handling finances.
People were surprised to see me work as an admin when the clerk was sick a
few days ago. Some were even scared to ask me for stuff, serves them right!
Who do they think they are anyways? Because according to me I’m still they’re
boss. This job has helped me to get ‘friendly’ around my colleagues, by friendly
I mean remember they’re names, but that’s quite an improvement because
before I didn’t even want anything to associate me with them, let alone
remember their names. I prefered computers because they don’t talk, but now
once a week I find myself at the cafeteria making stupid conversation with
people I don’t even know, they even call me by name now. These people are
very adaptive to change! I guess being with Sandile taught me that not
everyone is after me, I just have to give them time and get to know them
better. Thinking of Sandile just gives me a headache. Let me call Jabu before I
get ready for work.

Oh, Jabu and I? It’s kind of complicated, we hang out a lot though. Sometimes I
call him just to ask him how he is or to wake him up in the morning. Not that
he can’t live without that, but because I like to. He’s become a constant in my
life and I’ve grown to care for him to say the least, as for love? Not yet and he
understands, or at least I think he does. He’s been supportive shame, I can’t lie
and say Sandile’s departure didn’t affect me because it did in more ways than
one, I lost whatever interest of healing I had and to tell you the truth I’m okay
just as I am. I’m calling in sick, I don’t feel like going to work anymore. I’ll just
do some cleaning in my bedroom. It looks like a pigsty.
“Frank. I think I’m sick” I say as soon as he picks up the call
“I’m sure you are.” He answers sarcastically.
“Okay, I really don’t feel like coming to work today and I desperately need to
clean my bedroom. Please?” I say in a baby-like voice

PA
“It’s coming out of your paycheck”
“You don’t pay me Frank” I remind him laughing and he joins me.
“Yeah, whatever Sal, you’ll call me if you need anything right?”
“I’m twenty four Frank, not fourteen. But thanks for the offer.”
“Anytime.” He says and drops the call as if he’s the one who had called. People!
You know, I would’ve gone for Frank if he’d asked me out. Ignore the fact that
he’s like two times my age, care for what? He’s a good guy and that’s all that
matters.
I’ve known him for so long and throughout the period, Frank is just Frank.
He’s like a child, you know when he’s angry and you know when he’s sad, you
just know because he can’t hide anything. He’s an open book. I’d be lying if I
said he treats me differently, nope! He treats us all like his own children,
literally. He has a company of fifty employees and he knows each and every
one of them, in details even. While I, on the other side, had just learnt a few of
their names in the past two weeks. Life!

As I clear my closet I run into a grey plastic bag. It looks old, as if it’s been
there for quite some time. I don’t remember putting a plastic bag there and by
the looks of it, the poor bag has seen the worst. Curiosity defeats me and I take
it out to examine it’s contents. Nothing would’ve prepared me for what I found
in that bag, I felt my heart beating faster, faster and then slowed to a stop. I
couldn’t believe my eyes, in the bag was some of the clothes I used to wear
when I was still that hurt and vulnerable girl. I didn’t even know that I had
kept these clothes, but there they were staring back at me from a hideous bag
that has been there all along. The first formal dress I bought when I went for
an interview lay on top of a pile of neatly folded clothes. I stare at the dress for
a few minutes, reminding myself to breathe through the process. I thought I
would forget, that once I made money and became successful I wouldn’t
remember and if I did I’d hoped it wouldn’t hurt. Tears well up in my eyes
threatening to fall. I don’t even feel like crying, really, so I take the plastic bag

PA
and shove back where I had found it, someday I’ll have the strength and the
time, someday I will want to remember and I’ll come back to this plastic bag,
but for now all I want to do is to clean my pigsty of a bedroom. Did I tell you
that I smoke now? Jabu introduced me to it and I assure you it was not peer
pressure, the poor guy was trying to help and he did. I needed a way to forget,
to cope again and he was there with a twenty of Stuyvesant, I was eager to try
it and I liked it. So casually when I feel overwhelmed, I take a drag or two. I
never even want to finish the whole cigar. Blame it on Sandile!

I’ve been having these dreams lately, remember that weird one of me in
white? I’m having dreams similar to that one, except these ones are much
more scary, I’m chased by monsters, fall into holes like Alice in Wonderland
and all that drama. These dreams are going to make me hate sleeping if they
continue like this, I swear. It’s like I’m living a nightmare.
I have a date today, no, not with Sandile. I told you that he hates me now. I’m
having a drink with Jabu and his strange mother. If I said that woman was
psycho, I’d not be doing justice to her personality. She is very bubbly and
talkative but she says some of the most weird things randomly. She scares me,
but I’ve only met her once. We didn’t even talk that much but she just
frightens me. She looks not like an inyanga but like an umthakathi, I don’t
mean to offend her, it’s just my opinion. Not that it matters if I offend her or
not, she’ll probably never know anyways. So today I’m wearing a DH black
denim pencil skirt, a royal blue shirt that I bought at PEP sometime ago and
black pumps. My hair is let loose, partly hiding the big silver hoop earrings
and silver choker. I can be very casual when I want to and today is one of
those ‘I want to’ days. I’m carrying a black D&G bag, my phone and the keys to
my rental in my hand. I should probably buy a car, maybe next year.

PA
“Sal, you look… okay” Jabu says as he examines me. He is very bossy and very
picky. I’ve gotten used to his tactics and this okay means ‘what the hell are you
wearing woman?!’ but I don’t care, I look good and I feel good so he can go to
hell, I’ll even borrow him my rental!
“Okay?... thanks, I guess”
“Mama, how are you?” I say as we reach to the table where she is seated.
“I’m okay, you can call me Gugu”
She gives me a half hug. I told you she was weird, which fifty four year old
black woman would want her child's friend to call her by name? But she’s very
advanced this one. She speaks English all the time, it’s like talking to Frank,
only she’s a woman and she’s black.
They order salads and chicken strips, I’m not going to be paying so I order
ribs, onion rings, chips and a salad on top. I never say no to a free lunch, Gugu
looks alerted. I look at her and smile, Jabu is used to going out with me so he
doesn’t complain anymore. I am somewhat blessed, I never have to go on diets
to control my body, it’s naturally what it is whether I eat raw cabbage and
boiled carrots or juicy ribs and fried chips. So I obviously go for the more
appealing option, plus I haven’t eaten today. She’ll get used to it.
“So, Sal I heard you’re volunteering at HB?”
By ‘I heard’ she means Jabu told her in clear details and she’s persecuting me
about my decision. If I were to rephrase her question it would go like, ‘Sal,
Why the hell are you volunteering at HB!?’ But I’m grateful for the attention, so
I answer,
“Yes I am, I got bored with retirement in less than three weeks.” I laugh but
they don’t. I seriously thought that I was telling a joke, apparently it wasn’t
funny.
“I think I missed Frank, my boss, we’re very close and I’m studying part time
so I have a lot free time and I thought, Why not!?”

PA
“Great, that is very kind of you.” She says sarcastically and she sips her apple
juice. This is going to be a long day. I’m not even dating Jabu yet but she’s
already giving me the typical mamezala treatment. This woman though!
We sit and eat, casually conversing but mostly in silence. Jabu giving all his
attention to Gugu, mama’s boy! And me, well I’m focusing on this buffet I
ordered. Most of their conversations are between the two of them anyways. I
don’t even know why I was invited here in the first place but hey, I’m not
complaining at all.
She drags me to the corner on our way to the parking lot. I look around for
Jabu but he’s already in his car. She looks angry, although I know that I haven’t
done anything to offend her, I’m a little alert.
“You are a coward Sal, you know that?” Is the first thing she says after pushing
me against the wall in the corner.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. Truly speaking I’ve never been more
confused in my life. This woman is pushing me against the corner, poking me
in my chest and I’m terrified. But I really don’t know what to say because I
don’t know what she’s angry about. I look into her eyes, the anger clearly
visible.
“You can not run away from the past Salamina and you certainly can’t hide
from it! DO YOU HEAR ME!?”
Seriously? That’s what she’s angry about!? Tears form in my eyes as I look into
hers that are full of anger and sympathy at the same time. She wanted to
choke me, I could feel the tremble in her voice and her hands too, who the hell
does this woman think she is anyways?
“I will say this and I’ll say it once, I don’t care about you, okay? I don’t even
know you but I hate cowards! I hate COWARDS!” she said, her voice filled with
disgust, she looked like she wanted to spit on me. Balled against the corner
and looking at the woman in front me, she was poking me and striping me
naked in shame with her words, fiery tears threatened to flood down my face
like acid rain. I was terrified. Hell, I didn’t even understand what made her so
angry and bitter towards me. I was still trying to process what was happening
PA
when she turned away and left me alone in that corner. I was so weak in my
knees I doubted they would be able to carry me back to my car. Tired as I was,
I slowly moved away from the wall which I was leaning against and tried to
stand on my own. I was so tired it was like something was weighing me down,
as I start to move I see Jabu’s silver VW Polo driving out. Inconsiderate jerk!
He invited me to lunch with his crazy mother and he leaves me just like that?
Who the hell died and made him my psychologist? Nx!
The walk back to my rental was one of the hardest journeys in my life. The
picture of disgust in Gugu’s eyes lingered in my mind like a wallpaper. I
remembered the fights that we used to have in school, where you act tough
and look at your opponent straight in the eye, at that moment you’re
trembling but you don’t want to give in so you encourage your friends to hold
you back and you silently hope they do because if they don’t you will be dead
meat. Life was simple then. I get into the car and sit there, fiery tears flowing
down my cheeks into my shirt, marking a circle of damp tears in my chest. I
stare at my phone, hoping it would take me and send me somewhere far back
in time like a time travel machine. I scroll down to Sandile’s number. Nx! Who
am I kidding. Tears blur my vision as I start the car and drive, the only thing I
wanted right then was to sleep.

CHAPTER
7
PA
There were voices in my head, they were talking and talking very loud. The
problem was that I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I felt like I was
losing it. I felt numb, as if I was living but not really breathing. My whole body
hurt. I was awake, at least I thought I was. But I was sure that I wasn’t fine. It
was like something was controlling my body forcing me to move and do
things. I got up and headed straight to the closet. No! Oh No! I didn’t want to do
it, not at that time! But my mind was not in control, I was crying then, forcing
my body to turn away from the direction of the closet but I couldn’t. I didn’t
know what was going on with me. My phone was on top of the dressing table
so I gathered all my strength and willed my body to go and take it. It was hard,
each step in the other direction felt like I was tearing a part of me away, like I
was betraying something so right. I cried harder as the pain increased with
each step but my voice wasn’t coming out, just tears, painful tears. Frank was
on speed dial so I called him. His phone was switched off and took me straight
to voicemail. I didn’t really know what to say to him so I listened to the
woman on the phone, “you have reached the voicemail line service of
Frankenstein Brown, please leave a message.” She was so calm about the
whole issue, didn’t understand that she might as well have been signing my
death warrant. You know it's true that when you’re bewitched, you’re
bewitched and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. I tried to talk, to
say something but the pain in my body made it impossible, my hands were
trembling and before I could make out any words the white lady went, “your
airtime is exhausted and your call has been terminated, please load airtime.” I
dropped my phone and it hit my foot, I managed to say “ah!” before it fell and
cracked open. Fear engulfed me, fear of what would happen if I let this force
continue making me do things I didn’t want. I looked at my phone with blurry
eyes, there went my only chance at survival. I zombie walked to the closet
against my will, it hurt so much to not have power over my actions, being
controlled by something I had absolutely no power over. I couldn’t even
negotiate my way out. Upon reaching the closet, I pulled out the plastic bag,
my body complaining with every move I made, living had never been so hard.
I wanted to say a prayer or call on to any superior being of power to rescue
me but my mind was shut down at that moment. Ignore the fact that I
wouldn’t have known what to say to that being because it’s been quite some
PA
time since I’ve spoken to God, but it would’ve been worth a try. I proceeded to
take the plastic bag back to the bed, the once beautiful yellow dress neatly
folded on top. I was completely numb, so I did whatever this thing forced me
to do. I opened the plastic bag, searched everything inside it, examined,
remembered and cried my eyeballs out. You know the kind of crying where it
hurt deep inside and you really can’t do anything about it? The kind of crying
where you feel like anytime from then you might stop breathing. I looked at
the dress, remembered the moments and the actions of that time and cried.
But that day was different, I was not only crying because of the pain but I was
accepting every moment and everything that had happened during that
period. I wasn’t learning to cope with the predicament, but I was learning to
accept it as a part of my life, as a past. I threw the dress away after staring at it
for long enough and then picked up the jacket and remembered the warmth it
once provided me with when I needed it the most. I was and will always be
grateful for it. Something fell from the jacket as I unfolded it, a picture. I picked
it up, it was written Salamina in one very ugly handwriting. It was my
handwriting when I was little. I turned the picture, tears ran down my face
and I cried hysterically, voicing out the pain and screaming at the top of my
lungs. I felt pain wash over me and become my garment, memories of family,
home and joy filled my mind as I fell down and scratched my knee against the
corner of my king sized bed. Blood oozed out of my knee but it was the least of
my worries, I felt my strength run out and all my emotions unleashed inside of
me, covered by thoughts I couldn’t avoid. I refused to die again but I was too
weak to fight. I didn’t know any reason to continue living and maybe my end
had finally come. I had skipped death many times before but I thought that
maybe that was how it was supposed to end. I was a loser anyways and maybe
I deserved to die. Even at the point of death I couldn’t promise to forgive. I fell
on my bloody knees with my picture clenched tightly in my hands, I closed my
eyes and the world became still, dark and quiet.

PA
I woke to a fuzzy memory and a pounding head. Lifting up my head from atop
my knees, I tried to search my surroundings. So, I was in the banks of an ocean
in a beautiful area surrounded by nature. I was sitting on a rock facing the
ocean and there were children playing happily in the water, laughing and
making noise. I squinted my eyes to get a better view, they were so beautiful, I
couldn’t take my eyes off them. The sound of their tiny, squeaky voices felt like
a soothing balm to the pain in my body. It was then that I realised that my
whole body was aching and I didn’t really know where I was. Am I in heaven? I
giggled a little at my thought but the pain stopped me. I looked around, the
place was beautiful but I wasn’t too sure what I was doing there and as much
as I liked nature, I couldn’t help but wonder whose territory I was invading by
my presence. Everyone I’d seen there was young enough to be my child.
Where is this place anyways? I spotted a little girl in the distance, she looked
familiar even in the distance but she was standing alone at the far end of the
sea leaning against a bridge, away from the joyous celebrations of her peers.
Why was she not playing with the other kids? I asked myself, it was really none
of my business but I just couldn’t help wondering. I’d been there for the whole
of one minute and I already felt protective of kids I’d never seen before, very
clever Sal! I continued to look around but that girl in the distance kept staring
at me, maybe she is sick, I thought to myself and stared back at her, hoping to
find something in her eyes. For a moment we stayed in that eyelock position. I
was sure I knew her from somewhere but she was too far and I couldn’t make
out what she looked like. She moved from leaning against the bridge and
walked towards me, she walked very slowly, taking her time. Hey! I looked like
that when I was young. The picture! I died? I asked myself all these questions,
knowing very well that I couldn’t answer them. My mind was in a whirlwind,
filled with many thoughts and emotions but my body remained calm. I was
certain then that I was not myself because if I was I would’ve been panicking
my nerves out by that time. The last thing I remembered I was on my knees
looking at the picture in my bedroom…. Maybe I did die! OMG, I died!! Panic
should have been filling my nerves at that thought but still I remained calm
against my good judgements, not that I was any good judge. I was looking at
the girl coming closer and closer to me and I found myself hoping that she’d
tell me what was going on. Who was I kidding? The child probably only knew
PA
her name. She looked even more beautiful up close but there was something
about her, something was missing. She didn't talk until she was right in front
of me. At that moment I remembered that I hated shouting when I was her
age, my mother would scold me all the time for not responding to her every
time she shouted for me.
“You are looking at me like you have something to say.” she said as she came
to a stop in front of me.
She had a beautiful, melodic voice and she was so humble, you could hear
from the way she spoke that she was clever. I looked at her and said nothing
in response. She smiled at me.
“It’s rude to stare.” She said again playing with the ends of the belt that tied
her dress. She looked so innocent. I was still looking at her, studying her
appearance. She lifted her brow at me, as if she was tired of waiting. I couldn’t
help but smile back, she flinched. I looked at her questioningly.
“Your teeth look scary, the whole of you looks scary, did you bath?” She asked
innocently.
I didn’t know what to say, the innocence and truth of children still
mesmerised me even in the beautiful land of the dead. I wasn’t really sure
about the answer to her question though because I didn’t know when I got to
that place but the last time I’d checked I’d had a bath. I looked at myself and
realised that I was wearing filthy rags and I was barefoot. Eew! My feet looked
like I’d been walking on them since the dragon times, they were torn, dirty,
pale and the skin was hard and peeling off. I sighed.
“Do you know how to talk?”
She asked me after a little while. I looked at her and nodded. Something willed
me to talk but I didn’t know what to say to her. The feeling of being possessed
came back forcing me to utter words. That time I didn’t fight it, instead I
followed its order,
“I’ve come to apologise, I know I have wronged you badly but I’m here to
apologise.” I said sincerely.

PA
I was shocked by my voice, it was hoarse and deep. I was definitely sure that I
didn’t talk like that. But what did it matter, I could have been be dead for all I
cared. Tears ran down her face as she looked at me, she remembered. Her
tears pierced through my chest into my heart. I looked down in shame.
Although I was forced to utter that apology, I felt the sincerity of it and its
importance to the little girl in front of me.
“My mother. Find my mother, that’s all I want. We can’t survive in isolation
Sal. You’ve shut yourself away from yourself and that is not healthy. Find your
family.” She said in a whisper between sobs of pain and it killed my heart to
see her like that. Stripped off of all joy at such a young age to such an extent
that she chose isolation over playing with her mates. I looked at her, she was
so young. It must have been hard being separated from your parents at that
age. Who am I kidding, I know exactly how she feels because I’m her and she’s
me.
“How old are you?” I asked in concern.
“I’m nine.” She said and wiped her teary face.
Tears ran down my face at the mention of her age. I realised that that was
when I stopped living. My father took a second wife when I was nine and I had
just hid behind music until I left my house. I thought I had forgotten about
this, I thought I understood his actions, I guess I was lying to myself. She
rubbed my back with her small palm like Sandile used to do and I felt a
calmness in my body. A breeze of new oxygen. I stood up and hugged her tight,
she fit in my embrace perfectly, as if she was meant to be there all along.
“Wait here.” She said to me and rushed away. She stood on top of the rock
that I had been sitting on and looked towards the children, she squinted her
eyes in search and signaled for someone to come. The little girl bounced
towards us happily, her braids swaying from side to side. She was so happy, it
was contagious. She ran straight to me and hugged me, avoiding the person
who had called for her. She looked about four years old and looking at her my
heart felt at peace, fulfilled.

PA
“I love you baby, okay?” I said to her and kissed her temples first one and then
the other. She didn’t need to explain who she was because I already knew. She
kissed me on the cheek and ran back to play. I smiled and nodded towards the
little me, she smiled back and I started to leave. She held my hand and I felt
the hope that fille her rush through to me. All will be well with time, for once I
felt at perfect peace as I turned and walked away.

“Sal?! Sal you’re awake!” I squinted, checking out my surroundings. Hospital.

“Frank I’m okay, I want to go home please.”
The nurses ran in at that moment and examined me.
“There’s still nothing wrong with her.” The nurse said after poking and
squeezing me a few times.
“Can she go home?” Frank asked in concern
“Yes I’ll just give her painkillers.” Frank nodded and mouthed a thank you to
the kind nurse.
“Will you be okay though? I mean to be alone in that house?”
“I’ll be fine Frank, I just need to rest.”
He nodded and rubbed my back before heading to his car. I should have
probably thanked him but I was too tired. I’d definitely tell him tomorrow at
work. I had the most weird dream while I was in that hospital bed, it felt so
real.
My bedroom was a mess, phone on the floor cracked open, clothes
everywhere and even plastic bags on the bed. At least my phone didn’t die, it
just came apart. I put it together and plugged it on the charger, before picking
up the clothes on the floor and putting them back in the closet. I would throw
them away some other time because they’re too old for charity. I’ll frame this
picture though, I like it. By the time I was done fixing my bedroom I was so

PA
tired my eyes were already closed, so I headed straight to bed in my clothes.
I’d change later.

The next day I woke up to the smell of baked cakes and the sound of a guitar.
My room was sparkling clean. Great, I thought to myself, not even a bit scared
of the stranger in my house. I was so hungry. I woke up and made my bed
before taking a bath. I felt like dressing up so I did. I was wearing Big black
hoop earrings, gold wristwatch, orange maxi floral dress, white sandals and
orange lipstick. I looked different and I felt great. Now, who is in my house? I
thought as I started towards the kitchen. Whoever they are, as long as they let
me eat the cake first before they killed me, it smelled delicious.
“Whoever you are, just let me eat the cakes first.” I said as I entered the
kitchen.
“You look beautiful? Are you going somewhere?” The stranger answered from
behind me. I knew instantly who it was.
“Sandile!” He was wearing an apron and holding a spatula. Before then, I
didn’t even know he could cook, let alone bake. He smiled and returned the
ecstatic hug I gave him. He held me tight, I could literally feel the love and the
care in his embrace.
“Are you okay?” He whispered in my ear.
“Relax I’m fine. So, you just came to clean my house? Are you that broke?” I
joked. He laughed and shook his head.
“You’ve made this place feel so homely, thank you.” He smiled and nodded in
response. It felt so different, like a home more than a house. I loved it. He
returned from the kitchen with a tray full of all kinds of cakes and juice.

PA
“Breakfast is served.” He said as he sat next to me. He was wearing a golf T-
shirt and black skinny jeans, I could see then because he’d taken off the apron.
“Thank you so much for all this.” I said as I devoured the food. He’s definitely a
better cook than I ever was. His cakes were amazing, some had lemon, some
vanilla and all sorts of other things. He’d only eaten one cake when I’d almost
devoured half the plate. I did say I was hungry though.
“I want a child.” I said randomly.
“You what?” He asked in confusion.
“I want a child.”
He looked at me like I was crazy, but I nodded at him in assurance.
“Now?” He asked, still in shock.
“Yes, today if possible.” I said and continued eating my cakes.
“Why Sal? Why now, I’ve never even heard you talk of kids before.” He asked,
concern visible in his eyes.
“I can take care of them Sandile. I can never have kids of my own and right
now I want to start this new adventure as a new person. A responsible person.
I want to start this adventure as a mom Sandile.” I answered sincerely, looking
directly into his eyes. I needed it, I knew I definitely did. In that dream when I
saw those kids playing happily and making noise, I just knew that I needed
that. I needed to give someone that childhood that I never had. I wanted them
to reach nine years still happy and joyous like I never was.
“Sal I understand that you can take care of them, but I want to know if you
understand that it’s as much about them as it is about you. Nothing hurts
more than thinking that you’ve found a home and suddenly you find yourself
having to go back to that awful orphanage you’d hoped you were free from.”
He looked hurt as he said those words and I understood, he had been in that
position once and he knew the pain firsthand. That was why he wouldn't want
anyone to go through that same torture. I knew that perfectly, but the issue at

PA
hand was a different story, I knew I would take good care of him or her and I
knew I’ll put his needs before mine always.
“I know Sandile and I’m ready for this. I’ve always loved children and I
naturally would have already been a mother by now. Let me do this in her
honor, let me do this for Mvelo.” I said and held his hands, I needed him to
support me on my decision. Truly speaking before that, I hadn’t known how
desperate I was towards the matter, and the more I continued looking deep
inside me to convince Sandile, I felt the desire burning deep inside of me. I
needed it as if it controlled the breaths inside of me. Like I wouldn’t live in
peace if I didn’t find him/her, not as a replacement but as truce.
“Well... okay. But… Uhm… I… I’ll try Sal. You must know that it’s not going to
be easy since you’re a single mom and all that but I will see what I can do.” He
said before running his hands over his head. He looked at me in disbelief,
hoping that maybe I would say I was joking. Truth is, from his stare I felt the
seriousness of the matter and got a little cold feet. I hadn’t thought about how
it will be to have a child living with me. It wasn’t going to be easy but I was
willing to put my all into it, the more he gave me the looks is the more I felt
like I really should do it. Not because it was a crazy idea but because no one
really understood the way of life. He hesitated picking up his phone and
making the call. It was more personal to him than it was to me, but as cruel as
I was, I knew that playing with the heart is like playing with fire and the scars
are lifelong.
“I hope you know what you’re doing Sal. Motherhood is a full time job, you
can’t just run away when you are tired or can’t take it anymore.” He said after
a while of hesitation. He wanted to say more, I could see it in his face but he
just opened and closed his mouth without saying a thing. Somethings just
can’t be explained in words and if I could explain the urgent need I had to get
through with that process, I would have. He dialed a number and put his
phone near his ear, not once removing his gaze from me.
“Okay, let's just take them for the duration of the school holidays, how's that?
If I can handle it through these four weeks then we can make arrangements of
getting them full time?” I suggested desperately. Yes, the need to protect,
PA
provide and live for someone other than myself had grown to the point of
desperation in a very short time. Considering I’ve very much been only
dependant on myself since forever, I should have been scared but I wasn’t,
instead my mind was already wondering to the activities we would do while
together with my baby. He nodded once in response, turned his gaze away
from me and began talking to whoever was on the receiving end of the call. He
was in and out of calls for about forty minutes and by the time he was done,
I’d already finished eating and cleared the plates.
“I left some for you, in the bread tin.” I said when he leaned against the
counter in the kitchen and stared at me silently. He nodded but didn’t show
interest on the food. It must suck to know how to cook but lack the passion to
eat, however, my story is quite the opposite.
“You haven’t played?” He asked when he noticed me staring aimlessly at the
guitar, I nodded. He was right I hadn’t played since I had been with him.
“You’ll play for your girls today.” He said with a grin.
“You got them?... How many?” I asked when I noticed that he’d said girls
instead of girl.
“That's the problem…” He answered rubbing his head, a little hesitation
visible in his eyes and instantly I knew there was trouble. I looked at him in
surprise.
“You didn’t ask for the whole nursery did you?”I asked, breaking the silence.
He just laughed. The audacity! He just laughed in the middle of a very
important conversation. I just couldn’t.
“Well, not exactly but it’s the school holidays and most of the kids are gone
and there’s just a few remaining and…”
“You took all of them? How many?” I said, breaking him mid sentence out of
excitement. I don’t think I’ve ever been excited to be visited by a child before,
it felt crazy, I felt crazy.
“Three girls and one boy?” He said it more like a question than a statement. He
took my panic for fear but instead I was extremely excited. Because, I mean
PA
really, what more way to spend a school mid year break than to flood your
house with little rascals!
“That’s okay, we’ll be fine.” I answered him in breathless excitement that seemed
to worry him more than offer comfort. I was so happy I felt like jumping around. It
was always my dream to have a lot of children. That was before Mvelo, but since
that saga in the hospital it felt like I wouldn’t be betraying my princess if I take in
another child. It felt like she was not going to be hurt by my actions and feel like
she was deserted and forgotten if I showered my love to another child who wasn’t
her. It felt like she knew that she’d always be my first child, my princess and it felt
like I wouldn’t be breaking a promise to myself if for once I thought about the
wellbeing of another person. I felt alive, free like I’d never felt in a long time. I
smiled at that thought and looked at Sandile. He’d made me the happiest
woman alive.
“We have to buy food and clothes... what are we going to do for the whole day
together?..... We’ll go shopping! I haven’t been out in weeks. We are going to
have so much fun.” I said after mouthing a thank you to him. He just looked at
me and smiled, silently hoping that he’d made the right choice after all. If I
weren’t that happy, maybe his emotions could have bothered me but at that
moment I was completely oblivious to anything but my excitement. I was
ranting non stop, listing all the things that I had to do.
“First things first, I have to go change the car for a bigger one, so that we’ll all
fit in.”
I said as I stood up from the high bar stool to go.
“Are you coming?” I asked impatiently, he laughed and followed. I took a
Toyota Fortuner because I wanted a big car but I also wanted style. The rental
money went up by 7% but it was all worth it. We were to pass by HB and
thank Frank before picking up the family. I had promised that I was going to
send my gratitude as soon as I could. We went into HB hand in hand and
earned ourselves a few inquisitive glances. I greeted all the ones I knew and
others who seemed to have gained sudden interest in me. I really didn’t care
about them, plus, the handholding was not for show. I felt oddly at ease when I

PA
was with Sandile, I still do. Not that kind of ease you dirty minded human
being, I mean like the ease ease, like I am at home when I am with him. It’s as
if he’s the brother I never had. He lingered in the reception area for a while,
making meaningless chat to people so that he could give me some time with
Frank. See? It’s the need to do that which is good for the other, a foreign need I
hadn’t really known before him but I’ve become so acquainted with.
“You look splendid today, Salamina.” Frank said when I entered his office. I
smiled towards him, although my mind was already with my babies, being
with Frank at that time was equally important.
“Thanks Frank. We came here, actually I came here to thank you for being
there for me, I can’t ever thank you enough.” I said as I rushed into his
embrace. I felt the fatherly love that I’d missed for a long time in my life. Frank
had been there through it all.
“It’s not a problem Sal, anytime. What really happened? The doctors couldn’t
find anything wrong.” He asked, releasing me from the warm embrace.
“Frank I don’t know. I think I was possessed, I’m not sure but I know I wasn’t
myself before I called you. I’m really grateful you got the sign though.” I smiled
at him. Sandile came in at that moment. Frank raised his eyebrows towards
me,
“Oh, he’s the ‘we’ you were talking about?” He said sarcastically. Sandile is
handsome, beautiful even, well built, rich caramel skin, broad shoulders and
what not and I’m pretty sure I’d look perfect next to him with my short, curvy
nutmeg skin and size three shoes. But I didn’t think of Sandile in that way, at
least not anymore, he’d proven himself more to me long ago and the love
between us then was the best love we could ever share.
“Frank, did Sal tell you that we’re having babies?” He said as he poured
himself some water, ignoring Franks’ earlier comment. Frank looked at me
inquisitively.
“When did you two…” He asked, clearly confused.

PA
“No. Frank I’m the one who’s having babies, he’s just helping me.” I answered,
cutting him mid sentence. He looked at me, jaw dropped, as if he’d just seen a
ghost. Sandile broke into hysterical laughter. He usually teased me because I
don’t know how to explain anything.
“No, no, no, Frank I’m adopting kids, not making them.” I said motioning with
my hands, Sandile was still laughing his brains out. I looked at him and shook
my head, he winked. The guy is unbelievable. I felt genuinely happy when I
was with him. He made me feel more alive, more wanted and I couldn’t have
asked for a better whatever he was to me.

“Ma, whose guitar is that? Can I play it?” That’s the first thing Sphiwe said
when he entered my house. He was much more open than the others, mostly
because he was the youngest.
“Hhayi Sphiwe, let’s go eat first baby, okay? You’ll play it later.”
“Thanks mama” He answered and ran off. You could swear that walking was
illegal to this handsome four year old, he ran everywhere, whether he was in
the house or not, he didn’t really care.
“He doesn’t even know how to play it.” Mandisa said flatly from behind me,
she was the eldest and most reserved, she was very protective too.
“Do you know how to play?” I asked trying to sound as friendly as I could. I for
one knew that it was never going to be easy to get her to open up to me
because when you have been hurt before it is always easier to shut yourself
away from the world than to continuously open yourself up for more pain and
rejection. I was willing to give it my all, though. The child deserved a fair
chance at childhood.
“Not really but I’ve had a few classes before, Mbali is the know-it-all.”

PA
Mbali was twelve years old, naturally bubbly and outgoing, always looking for
something to do, to learn. But if you looked close enough you could see the
darkness lurking just beneath the surface of her once sparkling eyes and the
slight slouch of her shoulders indicating the pain that is starting to weigh her
down. Over all that she was a beautiful child, with skin much darker than
most, big brown eyes and a constant smile that shows the kindness she’s
made of.
“Who taught her?” I asked carefully.
“Her parents did before they ditched her.” She answered without emotion and
left me alone standing like that in the middle of the kitchen. Dear God, shes just
so young for all this. I mumbled a silent prayer, stopping the tears that
threatened to fall. It hurt me so much to see a child go through that pain. I
knew exactly how it felt and although I’d have liked to help her, I wouldn’t
know where to start. It’d be a long journey but I believed that the only way I’d
get through to them and maybe even help them through the process of healing
is if I tell them my story, but first we had to eat.

It’d been about a month since I’d moved in with my babies. Mandisa had
started to talk, letting some traits of her personality show more often.
Although she was still just warming up to me I could already see that she was
like me in so many ways. She was that kind of child who you could make a
sane conversation with, she even gave good advice and suggestions. As for
Mbali, Sphiwe and Aneliswa… Well, they are just themselves. Believe it or not,
having Sphiwe around had taught me how to live again, he didn't take no for
an answer, at four years old. So when it was time to play we all had to get in
the field and play like kids. During the last weekend we had went to a public
park and played football. I was the goalkeeper, we only played for a short
while and before I knew it people in the park had joined in, both kids and
adults, it was one of the best times ever. They are so adventurous and
inquisitive, I even had to buy another guitar, a smaller one for them to play
with because they loved music too. They’d made me realise the beauty of
having someone to care about and having someone who loves and relies on
PA
you unconditionally. And thanks to them, Sandile had been visiting a lot. They
loved him so much, you could swear they were mates. The fact that he couldn’t
stay away from them as well was just a bonus. His fathering skills were just
out of this world, I observed the way he interacts with all of them,
complimenting their unique qualities and making them all feel loved. It was a
wonderful sight to behold, it still is. The sad thing though was that I had to
cook… and as you might recall that I was never really that much of a chef...
okay, I was not even close to being a chef whatsoever. That day I was cooking
pap, grilled meat, grilled veggies and chakalaka. While it might sound really
fancy, it wasn’t. What I had to do was grease two baking pans, put meat in one,
veggies in the other and put both in the oven. As for chakalaka, it was only R15
per gram at Shoprite. Very easy if you ask me. Having my babies had worked
well for me as well because I quit the casual smoking, that’s if you could even
call what I did smoking. Funny enough, I felt more relaxed with their drama
and constant whining than when I was alone.
“Ma, your phone is ringing.” Mbali squealed running towards me with the
phone in her hand.
“Thanks baby.” I said as I took it from her and answered before checking who
was calling. It was Jabu, I’d been kind of avoiding his calls lately because
Sandile had been around a lot. It hurt to realise that I only just used him as a
shoulder to cry on when Sandile got too busy for me. It was unfair, I know.
“Jabu. How’s it going?”
“Sal.” He said in a sigh. “You really do know how to treat a person, don’t you. I
never thought I’d get such kind of treatment from a lady such as yourself. The
way you’re treating me is inhumane.” He continued in a calm voice, clearly
hurting. I sighed. I really didn’t know how to apologise to him because I did
everything deliberately.
“I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy with my babies around, I can’t really get time
off.”
“Is it the kids or Sandile that’s been keeping you busy, Sal?” He was still calm
but I could feel the betrayal in his voice. I kept quiet.

PA
“You never even told me about them. The babies I mean.” He continued in that
sad calm voice.
“You must stop hiding behind those poor kids and face your problems like a
grown woman. Stop being a coward Sal!” He snapped, irritated by my silence
and dropped the call.
My pots are burning.

“Ma, are you using us to hide from dealing with the issues of your past?”
Mandisa asked, breaking the silence in the car on our way to school. I knew
exactly who she’d been talking to and it hurt hearing it from her because I
knew exactly how it would feel to be used like an object. Jabu was going to do
so much damage to these kids in his selfish attempt of revenge.
“No my baby I am not and whoever told you that was lying to you.” I answered
casually, trying to avoid any more conversation. But that wouldn’t ever stop
Mandisa from talking,
“So why don’t you ever talk about your mom and your dad?” I turned to look
at her, she was hurting and confused.
“Because there’s nothing to tell.” I answered flatly, trying to act like it all didn’t
affect me. I felt the tears burn in my eyes as I clenched the steering wheel and
put more force on the pedal. How could I ever be responsible for inflicting pain
on this child, when I know exactly how it would make her feel. Maybe it’s time. I
thought as I kissed her goodbye and she ran off to school. I had been delaying
their return back to the center because I’d thought that since all was going
well, maybe I could keep them for a little while longer. But maybe it was a bit
too much for me. One must take gradual steps through healing and these kids
were just too big a step for me. As soon as I reached my house, I sent an sms to
Sandile and asked him to come over, as for Jabu, he’d told me that he couldn’t
do it anymore. He said that he had waited long enough and he knew that if I
PA
had wanted to be with him I would've told him a long time ago. He was right,
I’d never wanted to be with him, I still didn’t at least not in that way. We were
perfect as friends and everything but as lovers we could never be, there were
no butterflies, no chemistry, no gravitational pull and the ‘I can’t live without
you’ feeling. And I was totally cool with that, the one thing I hated was the
mindset that he’d instilled on my child, making her feel like she was an object
to be used, a second choice, somebody's back up plan. The thought of that got
me fuming, I despised it passionately. Which was why I took that decision, I
wouldn’t have been able to look at their faces when it was time to let them to
go away. I hadn’t even told them that I was going to be taking them back,
they’d be so hurt! So I did what I thought was best for everyone. I left them
before they could leave me.

“Sandile, I’ve packed their things and left them on the kitchen counter. You will
fetch them from school and take them back. I’ll make arrangements for them to
continue schooling. Tell my babies I love them very much and I’ll see them as
soon I can. Please lock the door and keep the keys with you.” I sent the message
and headed out to my rental. The only thing on my mind at that time was
leaving before anyone could see me, I switched off my phone as I got into the
driver's seat and allowed my Toyota Fortuner to lead me to a land far, far
away.

My phone had been off for quite some time and I would’ve liked it to stay that
way for longer, but Frank would be worried and I didn’t like that so I switched
it back on. I'd been driving for about ten hours with a few stops in between
and I didn’t even know where the hell I was but I definitely knew that I was
feeling so sad and I needed to get some well needed rest. I checked my phone,
there was no reception. Great! Less drama for me. I looked around at the
green scenery slowly passing by, a sign indicating that a hotel was a few
kilometers ahead appeared in front of me. According to the road signs I was
passing through Grahamstown heading towards Port Elizabeth. I'd never been
there before and I was scared I'd run out of money if I continued. What was I
PA
thinking running away like that anyways? I didn’t even have money for my car
rental, let alone vacationing. I even had to stay at a motel because I couldn’t
afford a B&B, sometimes I could be really dumb. My phone started vibrating
with a series of messages as soon as it had reception, I had twelve missed
calls, Sandile, who I positively did not want to talk to, Frank who was probably
worried sick about me and my irrational tendencies, even Jabu had tried to
call two times. He was the reason for all those doubts, I was so angry at him!
Selfish Jerk! I missed my kids so much, I just hoped they weren’t too angry at
me, that they wouldn’t forget that they are one of the best things that have
ever happened to me. They unlike everything else are true, unconditional and
pure. They could and would never disappoint and maybe that was why I
would never be good enough for them. Another sign popped up, it was written
Amakhala Game Reserve. I think I read it for about three times before I pulled
the car over to read it again. As soon as I was sure of what the sign said, I
bursted out laughing, I laughed so hard I started to snort and my stomach was
hurting. It felt weird to laugh out loud in the roadside especially because I was
hurting but I couldn’t help it. As soon as I started though, I couldn’t stop, I
used it as a way to release my pain, I think. And although I started out
laughing at the weird choice of pronoun for a game reserve, I got lost in the
laughter and I felt like a mad woman at the end of it all. Amakhala is noses in
isiZulu by the way and I just couldn’t understand who would name their game
reserve like that? Like seriously, why would you name a game reserve like
that? I was about to find out, priced or not.

Unlike its name, the place was very beautiful, quite expensive but very
beautiful and natural and friendly. I was able to find a single room at a short
notice, the receptionist said I was lucky because the place was mostly packed.
I didn’t doubt her, the place was wonderful, it blended cultural, natural and
classic together like the perfect pieces of a puzzle. True art, I tell you but the
excitement over ‘Noses’ subsided pretty fast. The stupid decision of running
away from my troubles clawed at me like an evil spirit, Sandile probably hates
me by now, I thought as I opened the door to my room and settled my
overnight bag on the granite counter. The beauty of the room was
PA
mesmerizing but did nothing for the ache that threatened to eat me alive. I
hadn’t bought airtime so I sent a please call me to Sandile and Frank. ‘The one
who calls first is the one who will pay for all this’ I thought to myself, secretly
hoping it would be Frank. I was almost having a good time, you know, game
reserve vibe and all that but I felt so guilty for giving up on those kids after
they had opened up and put their trust on me. I suck at life! I guess I was still
learning to live with my past and dealing with challenges as they came... I was
definitely doing a lousy job at it.
People were talking behind my back, not at the game reserve but at work, I
had heard some of them but chose to ignore them. They said that I was biting
way more than I can chew, they said that life punched me in the face and
humbled me, that’s why I found them worthy of my attention all of a sudden,
they said that the mighty had fallen at last and laughed about it. The said thing
was that they didn’t know what I was going through and they never attempted
to find out, they just said what they thought to satisfy their hunger for gossip.
It was alright because they talked to my back, I often thought to myself. But as I
sat numbly and alone in that barstool, staring at the interesting nothingness
stretched before me, it hit me. It wasn’t okay, nothing was. I felt the need to
explain myself to them, to redeem the remaining pieces of my dignity. To tell
them that it wasn’t pride, it was pain, that it wasn’t that I saw myself better
than them but it was the contrary, really, that it wasn’t that I’d fallen, in fact it
was because I was rising. Oh well, we can’t expect everyone to care, right?
Some just have to be there and kick us while we’re down and even pretend
that they like us in the process. Such is life.

PA
 CHAPTER
8
When I woke up it was around three in the morning. I had fallen asleep in the
barstool about an hour ago, my head rested on the cold granite counter,
cradled in my folded hands. I felt so tired and troubled. For the best part of the
night I had been staring into space, thinking of everything and nothing. God,
my life was depressing. I got up, switched of the kitchen lights with a hard slap
and headed to the bedroom through the dark. I threw myself in the bed, not
bothering to take of my jeans or boots, and let the thoughts take over my
mind. I didn’t see any chance of sleep that night.
My mind was working like a factory, thinking of everything and nothing all at
once. I was tired of living like that, having no constant in my life, scared to
commit to anything other than bettering myself, overreacting to everything
and the running. Oh, the running was going to be the very end of me, I had
really messed it up that time. Played not with just an opportunity but with
innocent lives as well. My sorry life revolved around emotions and I hated it. I
couldn’t find not one source of stable motivation point within me, everything
was broken, cracked or not there at all. For example, my heart was too broken
to sustain me, my brain was too driven by emotions to be trustworthy, my
soul was missing in action and my body too weak to be mended. I had no
reason within me to become someone better, someone stable except for the
me of my childhood but even that wasn’t strong enough on its own. I closed
my eyes and tried to cry but apparently even my tears were not reliable
because at that moment, they never came down. Sigh, maybe it will be better
tomorrow. But even that thought did not allow me sleep.
PA
I had tossed and turned for the rest of the morning, thinking of nothing in
particular until sleep finally had mercy on me and came at around five thirty
in the morning. I had slept almost throughout the day, which means that I had
missed breakfast and lunch as well. I woke up at four in the afternoon feeling
rested physically but trampled emotionally. I felt like two different people and
my head was killing me. I woke up and took a bath, with the aim of touring
around ‘Noses’ after. Even thinking about the name got me smiling, real life
creativity at its best. I shook my head as I headed towards the large shower,
stripped and stood under the hot water, hoping it will burn the confusion
away. It didn’t, I guess it never does.
The place was filled with couples, some of them honeymooning, others
vacationing and others touring. I’d say that about seventy five percent of the
guests were either couples, family or friends. There was that casual person
who’d come for business, maybe passing by and then there was me. I didn’t
have a category to fit into, I was just me. But it was nice being with total
strangers, people who didn’t know enough to care and didn’t care enough to
even want to know, it was silly really but it was better, not like I was talking to
them or anything. I just went around, admiring the scenery and the different
activities available both in the building and out. I never went to see the
animals, it just didn’t appeal to me not even once. As I was heading back to my
room, I noticed that it was supper time and despite having not eaten since
breakfast the day before, food was the last thing on my mind.
The only thing that was on my mind as I entered my room was talking to my
babies. I’d missed them so much and it had only been two days. They had
cleaned my room during the few hours I was out, it smelled of wild flowers
and spice, too strong for my liking. I opened the windows before I dropped
myself on the love seat directly in front of the tv, remote controller on my left,
cellphone on my right. I put on some instrumental orchestra—eew—and
lowered the volume before putting the remote controller down. I bought
chunks of airtime with my bank account and without thinking about it, dialed
Frank. He had tried to call me after I had sent the please call but I was in no
condition to talk at that time. I didn’t even listen to his voicemail. It rang twice
before he picked up,
PA
“Dear universe! Sal? Is that you?”
He sounded so relieved to hear from me, I couldn’t help but flash a cocky grin.
Then I remembered that I had probably put the poor man—figuratively—
through hell and high waters. I never really understood the ‘hell and high
waters’ expression, but hey, everyone else says it so why not!
“Frank I’m so sorry.” I said in my most sincere voice. “I don’t know what came
over me, I keep doing this to you guys and it hurts me to have to apologize all
the time as if I’m doing it on purpose.” I tried hard to stop the tears from
running out, otherwise I was going to start sobbing.
“Sal, what’s wrong?… really, talk to me. You’re like a child to me and it kills me
every time you do this. What’s the problem my baby?”
I couldn’t stop the tears anymore, so I let them run happily down my face.
“I think I went too far too fast. I just wanted a chance at a normal life without
the past keeping me down. A chance to be, Frank. To just be.”
My voice was low, defeated. I sighed into the silence.
“Listen here my baby, I’m sure you have established that running doesn’t
solve anything, so I suggest you stop.” He was silent for a while before
continuing, “Sal, everyone’s journey is different and you’ll only do it right
when you walk in your own path. Do it in your own terms, okay sweetie?”
Not trusting my voice to talk, I nodded, although he couldn’t see me.
“I love you, okay? Take care of yourself Sal.”
He added before he dropped the call. It didn’t bother me that I was the one
who had called, I was smiling. He’d never told me that he loved me before, just
implied it, but then I knew. “I love you too, dad” I whispered to the long dead
call. So this is how it feels… unconditional love? It’s beautiful. I thought as I went
to the fridge to get some water, I was not yet done.
Now unlike Frank, Sandile’s phone rang for so long I thought he’d never
answer. Just as I was about to give up, he answered but didn’t talk.

PA
“I’m sorry.” I said in a low sigh. He kept quiet.
“Sandile, I know that I put you in a bad position and I’m really sorry. I was
selfish and… I don’t know… I guess I was scared too. Are you okay?”
He was silent for some time, I was about to drop the call when he cleared his
throat and said, “Where are you?”
“Um… at a lodge. Somewhere between Grahamstown and PE.”
“Are you okay? Do you need anything?” He asked, impatience, pain and anger
in his voice.
He really hates me. Whathaveidone!!
I felt a lone hot tear run down my face, I almost heard the shattering sound of
my broken heart breaking. Well, what do I have to lose,
“Will you please pay for the lodge?” I asked, testing the waters.
“Sure… First thing tomorrow morning.” He answered, voice devoid of
emotions.
“Thanks Sa. I’m really sorry.” I said in a whisper.
“You really messed up this time…” He let out a defeated sigh before he
dropped the call. We weren’t even done talking.
I took a big drink from my water and wiped the tears from my face. One last
call. I sighed before I pressed the call button. The phone rang three times
before it was answered by who I supposed was the receptionist, she answered
professionally and politely, it made me feel human again.
“Hi, I’m Miss Salamina Nzimande, I had some of your children for the previous
holidays.” I replied in my professional voice.
“Ahh, yes. Sandile’s sister. What can I do for you.”
I small smile formed in my lips at her words, he had introduced me as his
sister. Humph, that was probably why he was so hurt. As quick as it had come,
the small smile faded.

PA
“Yes, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to talk to my babies? Just
for a few minutes please.”
“That is usually not allowed Miss Nzimande.” She answered apologetically.
I noticed that she said usually, there was hope.
“I would hate to put you in trouble Miss, but please, five minutes is all I ask. I
can talk to the owner and ask her if I must, this is very important.” I asked
politely but not begging, so as to not appear desperate.
She sighed, “Well, okay then Miss Nzimande. Please give me a few minutes and
I will get back to you.”
I thanked her as she dropped the call. I drank some water, trying to quench
the nerves that were threatening to wreck my body. Who knew it could ever
be so scary to talk to some kids… Life will seriously humble you.
A few minutes later my phone rang. I let it go to voicemail and called back as
soon as it dropped. I wanted to be the one calling them, not the other way
around, call it silly but it meant a whole lot to me that night.
“Mommy?” Sphiwe’s high pitched voice squealed into the phone as soon as it
was picked up. He sounded sad and unsure but a little happy too.
“Hi sweetie, how are you? Where are your sisters?”
“I am fine mama, we all are. They are here with me.”
“Am I on loud speaker? Put me on I want to talk to all of you together. Please?”
“You are on loudspeaker.” Mandisa provided, her voice as cold as ice. It
stabbed me right in the heart.
“How are you all? Have you been going to school?”
“Yeah we went yesterday. Though it’s not easy because its far but uncle Sa
takes us.”
Wow, I didn’t know. Sandile is way too kind. I’d have to thank him later.
“That’s very nice of uncle Sa. Where’s Nelisa?” I asked, changing the subject.

PA
“Adopted. They took her yesterday.” Mbali answered flatly.
“That’s really nice!” I squealed, my voice loud from happiness but the other
side of the call was quiet. I cleared my throat before starting,
“My babies I’m sorry for leaving like that, okay?”
“Okay. But when are you coming back? I want to go home.” Sphiwe whined.
“It’s not your home Sphiwe. I’ve been telling you that.” Mandisa reprimanded.
I felt a stab deep in my heart.
“Yes it is! Tell her ma, tell her it’s home.” Tears ran down my face as I tried to
stop myself from wailing loud. The hope in his voice was shattering.
“It will always be home baby. Always. I’m coming back soon, okay. And I’ll try
my best to take you back home. I’ll fight for you with all I have because you
deserve it. Okay?” I said, my voice turning serious.
“But then if we’re worth it then why did you leave? Why did you leave us like
that ma?” Amanda asked, sadness filling her voice.
“I was a coward. I was scared I wasn’t going to do it right and that I’d hurt you
so I ran. But I realized that I’d be hurting you more if I leave you like that. I’m
so sorry, will you forgive me?”
“Yes mommy but what is a coward?” Sphiwe asked.
“Why were you scared?” Mandisa asked, ignoring her little brother. I sighed.
“I didn’t have a mom growing up. I was scared I wasn’t going to be able to
raise you right because I don’t have a role model. I was scared I’d ruin you.” I
answered honestly.
“But how do you know you won’t do it again, how are you positive that all
you’ve said won’t happen when you come back?” Mbali asked. These kids are
way too wise for their ages.
“I’m hungry.” Sphiwe complained.
“I don’t Mbalenhle. I don’t know how I’m going to do it and I’m not sure I’ll
ever be able to do it right but I want to help. I want to be there for you like no
PA
one was for me. Is that enough?” I asked desperately, hoping that it was
because I had nothing else to offer them.
“But what if it gets hard and you want to run again? What then?” Mandisa
asked in a low voice. Defeat evident in her tone. I sighed.
“I think you’ll just have to trust me on that one Mandy.” I provided.
“I trusted you this time.” She said before leaving. “Let’s go get food Sphiwe.” I
heard her say in the distance.
“I messed up didn’t I?” I said to Mbali in a voice so low I thought she wouldn’t
hear me.
“Yes you did.” She said in a sigh. And I heard the screeches of a chair, she was
sitting down. “I don’t like the people who took Ane, they didn’t look right.” She
said after a while.
“What do you mean they didn’t look right?”
“I don’t know, something was odd about them. Will you be there for Ane if
they bring her back?” She asked.
“I will my child. Always.”
“How was it like?” She asked out of nowhere.
“How was what like?”
“Growing up without parents?”
Silence.
“It was really bad and very hard, lonely too. That’s why I want to make sure
that you never feel that ever in your life. Will you let me try?”
“Of course I will. You’re the closest thing we have to family right now.” She
said sadly. I really messed up.
“And I’ll try my best to always be there for all of you, all the time.”
“We built it, you know. Our family. This bond.” She said, sounding deep in
thought.
PA
“It’s very strong baby. Never let it break.” I said as the white lady started, you
have one minute remaining.
“I love you nana, okay? I love all of you so much.”
“We love you too ma. Don’t worry, she’ll come around soon enough.” She said
as she dropped the call.
Twelve year olds! I thought as I headed to my bedroom to get some sleep. I had
to work on a strategy. Find my own path. At least I felt better.

The next day I woke up like a princess, called in room service and had
breakfast in bed, after that I went to the jacuzzi for some recreational time and
after lunch I decided to take a long walk in the park, soon enough I had gotten
bored of doing nothing with myself, it made me wonder how the housewives
did it. Really, doing nothing all day was tiring. So, I took off back to the hotel in
search of something better to do. I was wearing a short crystal white summer
dress, high wedged silver strap sandals and shades. My hair was untied and
fell down to the tip of my shoulders, long story short, I looked way better than
I felt. Sad to say that as pretty as I felt, I couldn’t get my thoughts right. Despite
all the free time that I had, I still couldn’t come up with an action plan.
Somehow every game seemed too boring for me, so I had decided to head
back to my room and sleep, as I was about to do that, I saw a poster on the
wall in the corridor. Apparently there was a fully stocked music room at the
basement of the hotel that was open to the visitors. How wonderful. I thought
as I headed out, trying to push the music to the far back of my mind. As I was
walking to my room, a thought hit me, ‘what if it’s music?’

PA
I stopped in my tracks, stunned. “Okay? What do you mean?” I said in a
whisper as I leaned by a wall, a few doors down from my room. ‘I mean like,
Frank said that everyone’s journey was different, right? So what if we’ve been
doing it wrong this whole time?’
I liked it when my weak, emotion-controlled mind got to work, but at that
moment it didn’t make much sense to me.
“Thinking in riddles.” I muttered as I continued walking to the safety of my
temporary sanctuary.

Sandile had deposited the money into my account, as promised. It was a lot of
money, so much that I was able to make the deposit for my car, buy a
cellphone for Mandisa and pay for six nights at ‘Noses’. I felt bad using his
money like that, but fortunately, not bad enough to not use it. We wouldn’t
want to let good money go to waste now, would we? I ordered some food,
hopped onto my bed and watched a movie. It was titled ‘Still Alice.’ The middle
aged professor, wife and mother of two was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She
had to quit teaching as it was becoming hard for her to manage it. She started
forgetting things like, her date of birth, where the bathroom was and all that.
One day they were hosting a conference for awareness of Alzheimer’s at the
University where she’d worked and they’d asked her to deliver a speech. That
speech to her was the one last chance she had of being in her element before
the illness took over and turned her into a living, breathing ghost. Her speech
was so real and saddening it made me want to cry. She said that it hurt looking
at the things that once defined you slip through your hands and memories that
you once cherished slowly turning to dust. She said that she would cherish
those memories every time until they are taken away from her. That made me
think hard about my own memories and legacies, what would I be
remembered for when my good days are over? Did I really want to live my life
in misery because of one messed up episode in my life?
‘That’s it, you might not be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but your mind is not
exactly the clearest thing there ever was.’

PA
Ha! Thank you for the vote of confidence mind. Rolling my eyes.
‘But seriously, if she has that one thing that keeps her rooted through her trying
times, why don’t you? If you can use music to channel your emotions that would
stop you from being a runaway princess. It could be your way to clear your head.
You see if-’
“Yeah, yeah, smarty pants, I got you the first time.” I mumbled as I switched off
the tv and went to sleep. Tomorrow I would see that through but I needed to
be rested. Well, maybe my mind wasn’t really that broken after all. I thought as
I drifted into blissful nothingness.
I woke up the next day feeling very relaxed, the thought of having an action
plan had made me feel alive again, as if I had a purpose. I looked forward to
seeing the plan through, so I woke up with a smile on my face and headed to
the basement. The truth was that at that time, my life was a pretty messed up
mess. I couldn’t think of one right thing about it except for my job. But I had
learnt a lot through the experiences. Mostly, I had learnt to appreciate the
small things in life such as a smile, a handshake or a friendship. Because
sometimes friends are the only family you’ll ever have. That was why I wanted
to be there for my kids through it all, I’d been trying to call them at least two
times each day because really, all I was doing was for them. It was because of
them that I found myself wanting to be better, to be stable so that I wouldn’t
only be a mother to them but they could also learn how to life from me. Not
that I was an expert at lifing or anything. I wondered if they’d let them stay
with me before the adoption process was finalized.
I sent a message with all the details to a lawyer who usually worked with HB
and asked him to start with the adoption case immediately. I had promised my
children that I’d fight for them and fight for them I would.

The music room was exquisite. It had all the instruments I could think about, a
couple of guitars, two pianos, a violin, a xylophone and other instruments I’d
never seen before. The best part about it was that it was at the very bottom of
the building, under the basement parking lot, so you could play as loud as you

PA
wanted and no one would complain. I really loved the way that the lodge
catered for different types of people, there was everything for everyone and
the service there was amazing. I continued into the wide open space, filled
with instruments and posters of well known singers. It was still empty but I
figured not many people came there a lot, it was almost secluded from the
estate. The guitars caught my eye before I could do a thorough inspection of
the place, they were beautiful in different colors and shapes and sizes. I took
one silver with blue highlights and held it to me, it was a perfect fit. I was busy
trying to bond with my new guitar when I saw movement from the corner of
my eye, I didn’t pay much attention to it because I thought I was the only one
crazy enough to wake up at the crack of dawn craving some strings. It wasn’t
until I heard the first sounds of a piano that I confirmed that I had company. I
stopped and listened, cautiously trying to not make it obvious that I was an
audience. He played so delicately as if he was begging the keys to do what he
wanted, his melodies sad but inviting. I listened as he repeatedly played the
melody, ignorant of anything beyond the piano and himself. I sat down in the
worn out couch, my back towards the stranger and stroked my strings,
making a small sound before I started playing in tune with the strangers’
melody. We played like that for about thirty minutes before he indicated the
end of the melody. I heard the screech of his chair against the floor a few
seconds later, indicating that he was standing up but I was too lost in the
music to care. I started playing another song, humming lightly along with it
and let it take me away to a place of peace and harmony. And then I heard
another base guitar joining me in on the song, we played one song after the
other until I was too hungry to ignore it, so I stood up to leave. I packed the
guitar back in its case and turned to see a clean shaven, dark skinned guy with
the body of an athlete closing the piano and getting ready to leave. His
shoulders filled his shirt to a stretch and I could see the scruffy untrimmed
beard starting from the tip of his hairline spreading down his face to his chin.
Even from his back I could see that he was a sight to behold and when he
turned, that plastered smile on his face showed me not only friendliness but
pain as well.

PA
“Hi” He said as he headed towards me, hand stretched out. His eyes were
brown, shining like crystals and very observant, it felt like he could see deep
inside of me. Quite handsome. I concluded in my mind. He wasn’t the type of
person who would stand out in a crowd like Jabu, but he was quite a sight to
behold.
“Good morning, how do you?” I answered formally in my home language,
taking his hand in mine. He didn’t shake it though, just took it in both of his for
a few seconds and then let go. Classic.
“I hope I didn’t distract you, I’m usually the only one here in the mornings.” He
said politely.
“No, not at all but I do hope I didn’t distract you. Sorry for crowding your
space.” I answered, returning his polite smile.
“You didn’t, nkosazane. In fact I enjoyed your company.”
“I’m glad you did. Have a good day.” I quickly added, trying to avoid
conversation.
“You too.” He answered as I turned away and left.

After the session in the morning I went back to my room and slept. I felt so
relaxed after playing, I was almost sure that I was in heaven, so the most
rational thing to do after that session was to sleep and rest some more. When I
finally woke up though, I was so hungry, I needed to head straight to the
buffet. Checking the time, I saw that I’d have enough time to get ready. We
were expected to wear formal clothes to the diner and buffet, so I took out the
best outfit to go with my mood. I wanted a look that would make me stand out
in a crowd but still be simple and elegant, so I chose to wear a low cut,
strapless black cocktail dress with a touch of silver that highlighted the dress,
making it stand out. I tied my hair in a high bun, decorating it with silver and

PA
diamond jewelry that dangled just above my hairline. My glittering silver
stilettos matched the long drop earrings and wrist watch, perfecting my look. I
did not put on any makeup except for the shiny lip gloss on my lips, I looked
exactly as I felt just more beautiful. Satisfied with my appearance, I took my
phone and headed to the buffet already forty five minutes late. The only thing
unladylike was the growling of my empty stomach, evil timing!
I made my way to the buffet on autopilot, the only thing on my mind was food
which might be why I hadn’t noticed that there was someone at the table I was
headed to. I ordered at the counter before I made my way to the table at the
far corner of the dining area, all the front tables were already occupied. My
food arrived as soon as I sat down, I didn’t wait a second longer, I went at it as
soon my waiter set it infront of me. I was at the middle of my meal, my brain
then properly functioning when I lifted my head from my plate and decided to
scan my surroundings. Lo and behold, the hot stranger piano guy from the
morning was sitting across from me, his gaze fixed on me and the food on his
place deserted. I wondered how long he had been looking at me while I
debated between acknowledging him or continuing with my food. I felt my
face flush as I decided that I would greet him and then go back to eating my
very delicious meal. But what will I say to him after I’ve been ignoring him the
whole time… maybe-
“You’re staring.” He said with a smirk.
“Hey, don’t blame me, you stared first.” I retaliated like a twelve year old, and
almost kicked myself when his smirk widened in fascination.
“What? It’s not my fault I didn’t see you here…” I added, putting up my hands
in denial. He chuckled and shook his head as he continued to look at me with
so much interest you’d swear I was the best thing after Father Christmas.
“I’m sorry, Hi. I think we got off on the wrong foot.” I said in defeat, stretching
my hand. His smirk widened with his eyes but he took my hand and kissed it.
My eyes widened in response, he laughed so hard it made me want to run and
hide.

PA
“You are one fascinating human being.” He said as soon as he caught his
breath.
“I’m glad I could entertain you.” I said, a little bit hurt. He made me feel like a
fool, a joke and I didn’t even know what was so funny. I turned my focus back
to my plate, his stupid crystal piercing eyes still glued to me as if he was
seeing my very soul. Jerk! If I were another person I’d have probably lost my
appetite but hey, why let good food go to waste when you can eat it?
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. You do look exquisitely beautiful
tonight.” He said in what I perceived was his charming voice. I lifted my head
and nodded in response, a perfect small smile plastered across my face before
I got back to my food. The guy was working on my nerves with so much
determination.
“I didn’t quite get your name, nkosazane.” He said after a little while, with a
real smile spread on his face, he was as beautiful as he was irritating and the
dimple on his upper left cheek accentuated his appearance like nobody’s
business. I smiled back, I just couldn’t help it, his smile was contagious. I
studied his face, wondering what really made him so enticing to the eye.
“You’re staring. Again.” He said, trying to look into my eyes, I turned away,
embarrassment slowly creeping in. I couldn’t even remember what he’d asked
me.
“I can’t help it. You are quite a sight to behold.” I tried to say it as casually as I
could but I failed according to the amused smirk on his face and his raised
eyebrows. But I didn’t look away before he did. Ha! Now it's your time to blush
tough guy! Smirk. He was still smiling —or blushing, maybe—when he turned
his face back to me.
“Thank you.” He said quietly and looked away. Ha! Definitely blushing. Double
smirk.
“I’m Salamina and where did you learn to play like that?” The sadness I’d seen
in his eyes in the morning returned to his gaze and I saw his shoulder slouch.
Instantly I understood.

PA
“It’s okay… so what is your name?” I asked, changing the subject. That earned
me his gaze once again as he looked at me with increased amusement. I rolled
my eyes at him.
“Would you rather we talk about the topic that clearly makes you want to dig
a hole in the middle of this diner and die in it?” I asked, mock evident in my
voice.
“You really are one of a kind.” He said standing up.
“It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, ma’am.” He said as he slightly
bowed and turned to leave.
“By the way—he said turning just a few feet away—my name is Sipho.” His
grin reached up to his eyes as he turned and continued on his journey.
Yup, he sure knows how to make a statement. Jerk! At least he noticed that I
looked good. I thought as I took my own leave, my evening officially over.

CHAPTER
9

I had a lot of fun at the lodge while it lasted, but even through that I’d known
that it’d come to an end sooner or later. What is this they always say, err...
ending with good things… or is it good things don’t end? I’m not really sure
but yeah it’s something along those lines. So I had it in me as I packed my bags
the next morning, preparing to take my leave. If I were to be modest I’d say
that the place had given me exactly what I needed, in fact it did way more than
that, but I’m not about to be, so I won’t say anything. I slung my overnight bag
PA
over my shoulder as I went to the front desk and made my payment. I thanked
them purely out of habit, I’m not even sure that I meant it because they were
after all just doing exactly what I paid them to. Oh, well.
Parting with money was never easy and I really don’t think it would ever be,
but I tried my best to leave with my head held high and not show any signs of
devastation as I headed to the basement parking lot where my car was parked.
I put my bag in the front passenger seat because I had planned to leave the car
at the dealership and take the bus home. After last time, I felt strongly against
driving long distances. Never again! At least not anytime soon. I was about to
get into the car when a familiar voice interrupted me.
“I thought I was going to see you again this morning.”—I turned to look at him
in confusion—“Playing music, I mean.” He added.
“Is that why you left like that at supper yesterday, then? Thought you had
more time?” I asked him with an evident glint of victory in my eyes. He smiled,
a real genuine smile and I felt my insides turn at the glimpse of his lone
dimple.
“Maybe. A guy’s gotta hope, don’t he?” He said coming closer towards me.
“I guess so. Though I’m sorry to burst your bubble.” I offered a fake
sympathetic smile towards him and he saw right through it. Laughing he said,
“You must know that I don’t like losing, Salamina. I will definitely get you.”
It was my turn to laugh at him at that one, “You don’t even know who I am and
where I stay Sipho, how do you intend to do that, genius?”
“Do you believe in fate, Salamina?” He asked, the look of victory dancing in his
eyes. I was about to answer when he said, “Drive safely Salamina. I do hope to
see you again.” I looked at him as he started to walk away.
“Hey, aren’t you going to ask for my numbers or something? Or are you not
acquainted with this new invention called wireless connection?” He turned to
face me, smiling once again.
“Fate, Salamina. Fate.” He answered simply and continued inside the building.
I had never met such a crazy person before him and frankly I didn’t think I
PA
was ever going to meet anyone after. His level of crazy was out of this world. I
smiled as I got into my car and drove away.
Stupid karma!

The bus did take twice the time it had taken me to drive back home but it was
comfortable and it had food so I wasn’t about to complain. I stopped at
Sandile’s house for my house keys, silently hoping that he’d be home. The guy
did not have a constant location whatsoever. I almost dragged my bag up the
long driveway that led to a modern fairytale home at the top of a cliff, I was so
tired. More than half the top floor of the three story house had glass walls, you
could see the pool table and few couches from where I was standing. The
whole house was the work of a true architect, breathtakingly beautiful and
purposefully structured to catch the eye. I tried the door, too lazy to knock and
to my surprise it opened,—who the hell leaves the door to a million dollar
mansion unlocked!—so I pushed the door open and entered, dumping my bag
at the nearest table and then went in search of the kitchen, screaming my
lungs out through the whole process, “Why would you people leave the door
unlocked like that? Are you crazy?” I shouted, poking my head in the nearest
room. It was beautiful with the art around the walls, drawings of Africa and
nature and animals. It had a twelve seater table in the middle and nothing
else. Classic.
“Sandile, where the hell are you?!” I continued screaming, moving between
doors until I spotted the kitchen. It was beautiful, as expected. With shining
granite, fine China and imported electric appliances that made the house feel
modern but homely. Even the fridge was packed, something I had not
expected. He must be living with someone, probably a woman. I thought,
scanning the contents of the open fridge in front of me.
“What does a person have to do to get attention in this house people?!” I
screamed, taking water out of the fridge.
“Who are you?” Came a tiny, feisty voice from behind me.

PA
“Ah, and who do we have here.” I said, closing the fridge and turning to see
her. I knew the minute I laid my eye on her that she was the perfect match for
Sandile. I smiled at her and raised my hands in mock surrender, “I come in
peace, my dear lady. Though I did come to see Sandile and not you.” I added,
searching her. Her expression turned to irritated instantly and I almost
apologized, but I wanted to see how strong her jealousy game was.
“The nerve to say that to my face, woman! You get into my house without my
permission, help yourself in my fridge and now you demand to see my man?!
Are you insane or are you crazy?” She put her hands on her hips in defiance.
Though I was pretty sure crazy and insane was the same thing, but hey… what
do I know.
“This does look bad, doesn’t it.” I said as if in thought.
“Anyways where's Sandile?” I asked, ignoring the angry stare in her eyes.
When she didn’t answer I started shouting for him, “Sandile! You better come
out before I do some serious damage here!”
“Sal? Who the hell taught you manners, or considering the situation, who the
hell didn’t teach you manners?” He said as he descended the stairs to the
kitchen. I ran to him and hugged him tight, “I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean
it, Sa.” I said, tears threatening to escape. He stroked my hair and my back,
calming me.
“What happened anyways, why did you run like that?” Although his voice was
not raised, Anger was still clearly audible in his voice.
“I think I just chickened out. Jabu was threatening me and their well-being, I
felt I had to leave to keep them safe. I’m sorry. I realized how stupid of me that
was.”
“That’s the thing Sal”—he pushed me from him to look into my eyes, the
intensity in his gaze unmistakable—“what happens the next time life decides
to smash you with some lemon? What will happen to them? Have you thought
about that?” I saw a glint of fear in his eyes, a feeling foreign to him.
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “But I want to try.”

PA
“These are lives Salamina! People! You can’t just plan to do trial and error
with them! The damage will be permanent, you of all people should know
that!”
“Look, I know you’re looking out for them but you must know that I want
what’s best for them too. They’re my babies Sandile, no mother would hurt
her children deliberately. I know that now.” I begged, looking at him with eyes
full of hope. He almost smiled at me and that was all the encouragement I
needed.
“I’ve started with the process, I was hoping that they would let them stay with
me before it is finalized.” I continued moving back to the fridge, I was
suddenly feeling hungry.
“They told me that a few days back, asking for my opinion. Will you need any
help?”
“Not for now, but I want to buy out HB.” I said looking around the fridge. “I’m
really hungry. Where’s the hospitality in this home, or should I make my own
food?” It was then that Sandile turned to acknowledge the lady, I hadn’t
noticed that she had been standing there all along. She looked so hurt, I felt
bad. She shook her head in denial and turned to go, I knew the look in her
eyes, it was defeat and hopelessness but also resolve. She was determined to
leave.
“What did you do to the poor girl?”
“Is it not you? She probably thinks we’re dating. She’ll come around.” He
answered easily, coming inside the kitchen to make food, I looked at him in
disbelief.
“Are you crazy?! That’s no way to treat a woman Sa. You go after her, you beg
her to stay. What is wrong with you? You’ll lose her, Sandile. You’ll lose her so
bad and it’ll hurt because she won’t care anymore, just like you don’t now.” I
scolded, frustration consuming me.
“I do care Sal. I just don’t know why she doesn’t believe me when I say I got
her back, she knows I love her. I just don’t know what she wants me to do.” I

PA
saw hopelessness in him but also a blazing fire of love and care. He didn’t
know how to do this love thing, he never had somebody to teach him. I drew
him in for a consoling hug, rubbing his back lightly like he usually did and
whispered to his ear, “Making her buy food in the house and giving her your
credit card doesn’t assure her that you love her Sandile. Try telling her,
treating her like she matters, introduce her to people and buy her random
gifts. You hide her, you didn’t even introduce her to me and you knew she was
right here. You didn’t even touch her, let alone look in her direction.” I
released him to look into his eye and I saw defeat, he really didn’t know how
to show her that she was probably the best thing that had ever happened to
him.
“I’m here for you Sa. Ask me anything and I’ll help. Don’t let her get away from
you.”
“I’m scared sisi, what if it doesn’t work out. What if later she decides that I’m a
douche and she doesn’t want to be with me. She’ll leave then, won’t she? She’ll
leave me alone and in pain.” His voice almost cracked, fear and past pains
threatening to take him over.
“It’s okay, love is like that. It’s beautiful while it lasts and when it’s gone, we
get to cherish the good times we had. You know what they say, it’s better to
have love lost than not loving… or something.” He smiled at that, “I’ve never
heard anyone say that before.” He teased.
“Oh, shut up and go get your girl.” I said patting him at the back as he turned
to leave. When he reached the door he turned around and said, “Oh, and Sal,
the beautiful lady you’ve just met here is Sindi. She is my wife.” He winked and
continued up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I took myself on a tour of
the house, its rooms were spacious and carefully designed with themes that
complimented each other. Outside there was a big oval pool with a set of
beach chairs and umbrellas lining it, to the left there was a flower garden with
different kinds of flowers and roses and to the right was a handmade
vegetable garden. Classic. You can take a girl out of the farm but you can’t take
the farm out here… or is it out there.

PA
Anyways, their house was beautiful and I respected the fact that they had a
place for tradition in their home, where they burnt incense and everything. It
was a way for Sandile to keep the connection between him and his family
alive, despite having never seen them before. I turned back into the house to
find Sindi sitting on the couch, her feet under her and her head in her hands. I
went quietly to her.
“What’s wrong sisi?” I asked, touching her shoulder lightly and sitting next to
her. She lifted her face, streaked with dried tears, her eyes red and puffy.
“I don’t understand. I thought he loved me.” She said looking away. I held her
tight in a protective side hug.
“He does, sweetie. I saw it in his eyes, he does.”
“It’s been two and half years sisi, I don’t hear plans for the future. He doesn’t
let me in on his past either. I want to meet his family. I want to be besides him
in work dinners and galas. I want him to show me that I at least mean
something to him from time to time.”
“What did he say to you up there?”
“That he was sorry you showed up like that and I shouldn’t leave. There’s
nothing going on between you two, you’re like a sister to him. He said that he
won’t be able to function without me.” She sniffed. “He still didn’t say that he
loved me or that he’d want to marry me someday.” She said, tears running
down her once pretty face.
“You know what he said to me when he introduced you earlier on? He said,
‘this beautiful lady you’ve just seen here, her name is Sindi, she’s my wife.’”
She looked at me in disbelief and I nodded, assuring her.
“Listen, Sindi. I’m not telling you to hold on to him just because he’s
threatened you with matrimony. If he’s not treating you right my sweet, leave.
What I’m asking you is to give him support, encourage him to talk to you and
make him trust you. Be open to him and tell him what you need from him.
Because he really doesn’t know. Tell him you’re by his side always. My brother
has been through a lot and he needs guidance. Men are sometimes like babies,

PA
they need you to give them the go ahead because they’re just as scared of
getting hurt as you are. Call me if you need anything but in the meantime
shower him with love, hold his hand in public so that he’ll know you’re not
ashamed of being with him. Tell him what you want, what you need because
he’s the guy for you. Just don’t do it if you’re not ready for forever, okay?” She
nodded and hugged me, I stroked her hair before releasing her and wiping her
face. “Now go fix your face.” I shooed her away and she laughed as she headed
towards the bathroom.
“Sandile! Bring my keys I want to leave.” I shouted, heading towards the door.
“Sandile!”
“Do you ever stop shouting?” He complained, descending the stairs. I ignored
his comment.
“Where are my keys?” I asked as soon as he reached me.
“Why didn’t you say you wanted the keys? They’re in my bedroom. I thought
you were going to stay the night.”
“Nope, I miss my home and my babies. I’ll fetch them tonight.”
“Gee, Sal you’ll reach there at around eight thirty to nine pm. They’ll be asleep
by then.” I shrugged.
“Okay then, I’ll fetch them after school tomorrow. But I’m going home tonight.”
I said defiantly.
“I’ll go fetch the key for you.” Sindi said as she entered the room, lightly
touching Sandile’s elbow as she passed. He raised his eyebrows at me in
confusion and I shrugged, pretending not to notice.
“I’m scared I’ll never be the one for her.” He said, watching her until she
disappeared at the end of the stairs.
“Give yourself a chance. Open up to her and see where it leads you.” He
nodded.
“What are you traveling by sisi?” Sindi asked, coming towards us with a set of
keys.
PA
“I came by bus.” I said, stretching out my hand to receive the key. She hooked
her hand on Sandile’s elbow and rested her head in his shoulder. He brushed
her hair in affection and thanked her, smiling like a child with a packet of
sweets.
“It’s late though. Do you really have to go?” She asked.
“Yes, I do. I’m sorry. I’ll come visit you soon.”
“Then take my car. You’ll return it when you come back to visit.” Sandile
looked at her with renewed interest.
“Really?” He asked.
“Yes, we can share yours. If you don’t mind that is.”
“Of course I don’t mind. You’ll let me drive you to work?”
“I’d love for you to drive me to work.” She said, blushing and Sandile held her
closer, kissing her forehead.
“Okay then, thank you sisi.” I said taking her car keys from her. “Thank you for
hosting me.”
“Ha. We did not host you. You came here uninvited and hosted yourself in our
house.” Sandile said making us all laugh.
“Sindi tame your man! That is no way to talk to a guest.” I said in between
laughter.
“Nope sisi, my man does not need taming, he’s perfect. You need to learn some
manners.” She said still laughing. I saw the look of shock pass through
Sandile’s eyes and then defeat before he settled for awe at the person he’s
been thinking he will never be good enough for.
“Oh, whatever. It was really nice to meet you sweetheart and thank you. I’ll
come with my squad next weekend.” I said to Sindi, hugging her goodbye.
“And wena, treat this woman like treasure. We need her at home.” I said to
Sandile, hugging him. “I love you.” I whispered in his ear before letting go. He
smiled and kissed my cheek. I entered the red and black Mini Cooper and

PA
drove away but not before I heard Sandile telling her that he loved her. Sweet
victory.

I had decided against bringing the kids back early, although I did fetch them
from school everyday in my Mini Cooper. The kids loved the car so much, even
though they knew it was auntie Sindi’s. They made me think of buying my own
Mini Cooper just like it with their constant “cool car mom” and “you’re driving
in style mama”. Which might or might not be the reason why I had to postpone
the visit to Port Shepstone. I was busy trying to get a stable job ASAP before I
bought my babies back home. Throughout that whole time I was working on
business plans and funds and proposals to present to Frank and his wife, who
both had absolutely no idea about my endeavors. So, I hoped to God that it
would work out because if it didn’t, Frank was going to end up hating me. The
plan was to buy shares at HB and be a part owner or if possible, buy HB out
and be the new owner. Whichever choice, the end result had to be voting
shares and full involvement in decision making. If Frank would be against
that, then I’d have no choice but to open my own practice, which would be
better than HB because I know all their flaws and would most definitely put
them out of business. I set up a meeting with Frank anonymously, to keep it
professional and hoped that Frank would take me seriously. The last thing I
wanted was to turn my father and boss into an enemy, so I put on my best
persuasive face and looked as presentable and as formal as I could be,
assuming you’d ignore the circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, the messy
bun with hair sticking out from all angles and the ballerina flats I was wearing.
Pretty formal if you’d ask me. But all I cared about was to get Frank on my side
so he could persuade his wife and make my life easier. As if.
I got in a few minutes late to the conference room,—highly unusual, —but
thank the universe I was the first one there,—very much usual, —which gave

PA
me the time to kink up my look and put on the stilettos I had on my bag. I put
the business plan and proposal in front of Frank’s chair and waited. Ten more
minutes later, he made it to the room, muttering I’m so sorry I’m late and some
other excuses I didn’t really care about.
“You never really make it on time Frank, I understand.” I said as soon as he
settled down. At the sound of my voice, he looked up.
“Sal? Really. You just had to make me go and wear a suit. You’re unbelievable,
you know that.” I smiled at the face of the man I’d become so fond of as I went
to hug him, my feet protesting with every move. He kissed my cheeks and held
me tight. Relief flooding through him at seeing me.
“So, to what do I owe this pleasure?” He asked formally, getting back to
business.
I explained everything to him, giving him figures and plans to support my
arguments. He looked surprised but also troubled. HB was a family business
and no matter how almost family I was to him, it’d never be enough for me to
take over, but he trusted me so I had a little hope. I’d been loyal to him for a
long time and he knew I’d never do anything to jeopardize his business.
“I won’t lie, this is a complete surprise to me.” He said after my presentation. I
nodded.
“My wife and I were just talking about retirement a few days back and
debating about nana’s legacy.” He thought for a while before he continued,
“Your idea sounds great Sal, let me talk to my wife and get back to you
sweetie, okay?” I nodded a thank you as I sat down and took off the devil
shoes that were threatening to send my feet to ICU and put my flats back on.
“I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know. You said everything was ready?”
“Yes, legal documents, funds, it’s all ready.”
“Great then. Thank you Sal.” I nodded in response, too tired to speak and
gathered my things, put them in my bag and hugged my father-slash-soon-to-
be-business partner and went in search of my bed. In a blur, I was home and
in my bed for a well needed break.
PA
 🎁

Acquiring HB had proven to be quite a task. It was not in the least easy and it
required a lot of patience. But as they say, good things come to those who
wait, I know I got that one right. I had been able to convince the shelter to give
me my kids before the adoption process was finished. They came home some
ten days after I returned from the unplanned trip to the lodge. I had missed
them so much, their making noise, running everywhere, playing in the house
and constantly whining about everything. I loved all of that because it was
what made them uniquely them. Truth be told, I was broke. Buying HB cleared
out my investments, savings and cheque accounts like a wildfire. And we were
living on credit. But soon, I hoped, things were going to change for us. My
babies never complained about not getting some of things they wanted. I had
sat them down and explained to them what was happening and they
understood, never pushing me away or blaming me for not being able to keep
it together. Music kept us strong and kept us moving forward in unity. We
were preparing to go to Port Shepstone, to finally return Sindis car, two weeks
later. I hadn’t seen Sandile since that time, it had been just the four of us but
they were excited to go to him. Being with them made it okay that I might
have to withdraw some money from the business before I even start being the
owner to cater for them. It didn’t matter that I had to wait to buy the car I’d
paid deposit for months ago because finances were really tight. All of that
really didn’t matter because we were together and that was all we needed.
“Mandisa, are you coming or not?” I shouted from the door. Her sister and
brother were already in the car, Sphiwe on the front seat, his excitement
clearly visible in his face. I smiled every time I looked at him because his eyes
held a hope I’d never experienced before in my life, a hope that instantly
assured you that all will be well no matter what. Other than the music, his
innocence was what kept us laughing even through darker days. Mandisa
came out of the house a few minutes later, she was the girly girl out of all of us,
the one who was always making us late for everything.
PA
“Finally!” Mbali sighed in relief and Mandisa shot her the don’t you start with
me look.
“Did you lock the front door?” I asked.
“Yes mom.” She answered. I lived for those moments when she comfortably
addressed me as her mother. It was the most fulfilling thing ever, it made
everything worth it.
“Close the windows in your bedroom?”
“Yes and the back door too, now can we go?” She said, settling in her seat.
“Why is he sitting in the front anyways?” Mandisa asked, pointing at Sphiwe
with her head.
“But I’m the smallest.” He complained in his manipulative baby voice.
“Which is exactly why you should be sitting at the back.” She continued.
Sphiwe looked at me with pleading eyes and I shook my head and drove away.
The bickering never stops.
We sang and talked all through the one hour drive to Port Shepstone, making
a stop at a McDonald’s drive through for lunch—totally unnecessary but
majority rules, what can I say?—I bought some light snacks because I knew
Sindi would’ve prepared something for us. I thought about Anelisa constantly,
wondering how she was fairing with her new family. She always was the quiet
one, would never tell you anything unless you asked. I hoped they were
treating her fairly, maybe Sandile could try and find out for us. We talked
about her a lot, especially Mbali and I. I couldn’t help but think that I drove her
away, if it were not for my childish acts. Mbali made sure that I never felt it
was my fault, constantly reminding me that it was meant to be. She takes
family very seriously and she cares deeply for everyone close to her, she’s the
child who’d constantly ask after almost everyone at all times. Weird at her age
but great as a personal trait for her future, I just hoped that no matter what
would happen in the course of her journey to adulthood, she wouldn’t be
deterred and maybe end up losing herself.

PA
“Wow.” Sphiwe said as soon as the mansion came into view, drawing the
attention of her sisters who were in the middle of a very heated discussion
about pink being way better than blue, their discussion stopped abruptly,
faces drawn to the splendor appearing in front of them. That’s exactly how I
felt when I first saw this house, though I’d like to believe that I did it with my
mouth closed.
I stopped directly in front of the huge glass door and they came out as soon as
the engine died, silently savouring the beauty of the house and all its glory
through wide open mouths. For a second I felt like joining them but then I
remembered that someone had to be the adult and reluctantly forced myself
to unload the luggage.
“Pick your mouths from the floor and start taking your bags inside.” I said,
taking my own luggage and leaving theirs. As usual, I did not nock and as
usual, the door was unlocked. Ppft! Sandile doesn’t listen.
“I will say this again in this house. Please keep your doors locked!” I shouted
as I made my way into the spacious living room that had the television screen
as big as my bedroom wall but slightly bigger. My babies followed behind me
in silence, taking in the beauty of the completely different lifetime they’d just
entered.
“I told you she wouldn’t knock.” Sandile said to Sindi as they came into view,
breaking into laughter. I rolled my eyes at them as I let myself down on the
sofa Sindi had cried on not so long ago. It felt like a lifetime ago, looking at the
way they were holding and looking at each other now, I couldn’t help but be
happy. I smiled widely, forcing my tired body to lift itself up and hug Sindi
tightly. “Thank you.” She whispered in my ear and I held her tighter in
response.
“Hey! Why are you all so dumbstruck? Is there something wrong?” Sandile
asked my three companions who stood at the passage leading to the living
room, looking around the house in awe.
“Uhhm… uncle Sa, I don’t mean to sound bad but, is this, like your house?”
Mbali asked, clearly confused.

PA
“Uhh.. yeah?” Sandile replied, almost sounding unsure himself.
“So… how did you… why did… urh. I… I don’t really understand…” she went
on, still clearly confused. “How much money do you have exactly?” She asked,
finally forming a sentence.
“Well, not much now that I’ve spent it on this house.” Sandile answered and
shrugged.
“When can we go into the pool mommy?” Sphiwe asked, coming towards me.
He stopped in his tracks when he spotted Sindi. “Hi, I’m sorry I didn’t see you.
My name is Sphiwe, what’s yours?” He asked, extending his hand for a shake.
Sindi took it in hers with a full on smile, clearly charmed.
“Well, aren’t you the charmer. My name is Sindi but you can call me aunty.
Think you can teach uncle Sa how to be a gentleman?” She said reciprocating
Sphiwe’s serious tone.
“Hmmm. I’ll see what I can do to help.” He said, deep in thought. Sindi smiled
and nodded a thanks to him. “Mom, when do we sleep? I’m tired.” I picked him
up and rested his head on my shoulder, cradling him against me.
“Right guys, this is aunt Sindi, she’s going to show you to your rooms and
tomorrow, the fun will begin.” Sandile said, hugging Mbali and Mandisa before
looking at Sindi with pleading eyes. She smiled to him and nodded as she took
the girls to the third floor.
“Aunt Sindi are you related to uncle Sa?” Mandisa asked.
“Not really sweetie, why do you ask?” She answered truthfully and honestly.
She was a natural at motherhood.
“Are you married?” Mbali chimed in.
“Not yet my baby.” She answered resting her hand on her back and leading
them further out of sight. In the meantime, Sphiwe had fallen asleep against
me, apparently traveling was tiresome.

PA
“I’m sorry your bedroom is on the bottom floor sis’.” Sandile said to me, lifting
Sphiwe and taking him to our room. It wasn’t that late but without Sphiwe, the
house was practically going to be dead.
“Oh, common, it’s that man you’ll have to apologize to, not me. And my kids
are hungry, get them something to eat before they sleep.” I said following
them around a few corners to a big room at the end.
“Don’t worry sis’ Sindi has everything under control.”
“Okay then… how are things between you.” I asked as he put Sphiwe down on
the the bed and pulled the covers over him, kissing his forehead.
“I think I’m doing okay, though I fear that it’s too good to be true and it will
only come to an end.” He said, sitting in the couch at the foot of the bed, clearly
defeated. I moved from the window where I’d been standing and went to sit
next to him, putting my hand in his thigh rubbing slowly.
“Sandile, if you’re scared of trying, you’ll lose the experience and the fun you
could’ve gained otherwise. It’s better to have loved and experienced than to
not have loved at all.” He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed loudly.
“She introduced me to her sister at work the other day.” He sighed again. “It’s
not that I’m not happy about it but who am I going to introduce her to when
my turn comes. I’ve never felt so incomplete and vulnerable.”
“She doesn’t know?”
“She thinks I’m my adoptive father’s love child, that’s what the papers said…”
“But why haven’t you told her?”
“I just don’t know how to. Maybe she’ll think lesser of me as a man if I do.
Maybe she’ll think I’m not good enough for her…. I’m still not even sure
whether she wants to be seen with me in public.”
“Sandile, she thought you didn’t want to be seen with her in public, right now
she thinks she’s not good enough to meet your family. If you tell her the truth
Sa, she’ll love you even more for it, she’ll think you’re the most strongest man
on earth for achieving what you did and she’ll be protective of you like a
PA
mother…. that’s how I felt when you told me Sandile.” He looked up and me
appreciatively before drawing me into the most heartfelt hug I’ve ever had
and whispered thank you sis’ in my ear.
“I refered a friend to you earlier on, his mother needs your help and he had a
business proposal which I thought would be really good for you.” He said as he
was about to go out.
“Sure, thank you. I hope I’d be able to help.”
“Join us in the kitchen when you’re refreshed.” He said and went out.
I think I’m going to love doing this family thing.

CHAPTER
10

PA
“I meant to ask earlier on, how do you manage this big house without any
help.” I said to Sandile who was standing by the island drinking milk.
“It’s Sindi, she let go of the helpers and only retained one who helps with the
laundry every other Wednesday. You know she’s made my life easier, I don’t
know how I’d survive without her. I wanna marry that girl sisi.”
“Really, You wanna marry me because I can cook.” Sindi said as she entered
the room.
“I’m going to marry you also because you can cook.” He defended himself.
“Jerk!” She said as she hugged him tightly. I love you, he mouthed in her ear.
“You do?” She said looking into his eyes. I wondered how bad it really was
before if she had to ask him that.
“I do baby and there’s something I wanted to tell you in front of my sister.” He
said drawing out the chair for her to sit. I sat down as well and he bought
some scones and juice before sitting down.
“I was going to ask you to bake these for my babies, thanks Sa.” I said digging
in before anyone else.
“He’s really good, isn’t he.” Sindi said looking at him although talking to me. He
smiled and took her hand in his.
“Thank you babe.” He said in a whisper before the room fell into silence.
“I won’t lie to you, this is not easy for me but I want you Sindi. I want you the
right way and there’s no easy way to do that except like this.” His eyes never
left hers as he spoke. She held his hand tighter, assuring him that she’s there
for him.
“You’ve been wondering why for the two years we’ve been together I’ve never
spoken of or introduced you to my family. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it was
pretty complicated.” He smiled at her, suppressing the whirl of emotions that
were running through him.

PA
“This is my family Sindi,—he pointed at me with his head—she is my whole
family. Her babies too.” He looked at me and smiled, for the first time since he
began talking, I stopped eating and gave him my attention. He looked at me
with so much love and appreciation, I couldn’t help but smile. When I looked
at Sindi, I saw the confusion she was trying so hard to suppress.
“See, I never knew my parents… my adoptive parents, who you might know as
my real parents, picked me up from the streets, literally and bought me here
to train me to take over the business. I had ran away from the institution that
I’d stayed at because of some reason or the other and by God I met them that
same day and they took me in. So that’s why it might’ve seemed like I didn’t
want to introduce you to my family, there was no one to introduce you to.” He
finished in a low tone, letting go of her hand and turning away from her, giving
her enough space to make her decision without any influence. Sindi just stood
there, horror in her face and tears filling her eyes. She stood up and practically
lifted him from the chair, hugging him tight through the tears streaming down
her face, whispering I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry. He was reluctant at
first but hugged her back after a little while. I took the plate of cakes and
started to leave, giving them some personal space. Finally. I thought as I took
some strawberry jam from the cupboard by the door and headed to my room.
See, now Sindi is a beautiful girl, she’s what they call a yellow bone, with skin
so fair and clear, black menacing eyes that contrast with her sweet and
welcoming face. She is slightly taller than me and less curvy but she still
reached around Sandiles chin. They looked really good together.

My phone vibrated in my pocket as I was about to enter my room. An office

number on Friday night. Hmmm.
“Salamina Nzimande.” I said professionally answering my phone.
“Good afternoon Miss. how are you?” The female voice on the other end said.
“I’m very well thank you, how can I help you?”
“Mr Frank gave me your number earlier today when I tried to contact you at
work. I hope it’s not a bad time.”
PA
“No, no darling it’s okay, we can talk.”
“Mr Khumalo had asked me to call you personally and book a session with Mrs
K. As soon as you’re available.”
“Ohh, I am off work at this moment, I was supposed to be for an indeterminate
time. Is it urgent? Can I pass it to someone else maybe?”
“No. I’m afraid not, he specified that it has to be you. But if you can’t I can—
“No sweety. I’ll do it. I’ll be at the office on Tuesday. But in the meantime
please send me her documents and a brief description of what the problem is.
Be as specific and open as you possibly can be and include any medical
reports in relation to this problem, right?”
“Yes ma’am. Do I send it to your email or…”
“My personal email please and thank you for calling.” I said and dropped the
call after giving her my email address. I couldn’t help but wonder who this
special person was but I had feeling it wouldn’t be a fun assignment at all.

We had a lot of fun with uncle Sa and auntie Sindi, the kids were spoiled rotten
with games and food and treats all weekend. It kind of made me remember
that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the treatment once we went back
home and for a moment there I felt real sad, I comforted myself with the
reminder that our financial crisis is only temporary, as hard as it was.
“My babies are so happy here Sa.” I told him one evening when the kids were
preparing for bed.
“You can leave them.”
“With you workaholics, never in a blue moon.”
He looked at me with a questioning gaze, I shrugged before we both broke out
laughing.
PA
“Where did you get that one from.” He said between laughter. When he
sobered up he continued, “You know you can ask me anything, I’m always
here to help.”
I nodded and we sat in companionable silence, my head slightly rested on his
shoulder. I wouldn’t bother him with money problems because I still had
some other resolves, my brother is stinking rich and he wouldn’t have minded
to hand me a few thousands but I wanted to do this on my own, for once I
wanted to fix my own mess. As long as my kids were not suffering yet, I pretty
much still had it under control.
“We’re leaving tomorrow afternoon, I’m working on Tuesday.” I said getting
up to leave.
“You’ll miss school tomorrow.”
“I reported on Friday. They’ll be fine.”
“Okay sis. Sleep tight.” I smiled at him and turned to leave. Out of habit, I
checked my email before going to bed, I had three. One was from Frank
welcoming me on board conditionally and setting up a meeting for Tuesday
morning, second one was a spam probably asking me to buy something and
the last one was from RealityCheck.cc, it was formally written and very
professional. The documents for our Tuesday meeting, I felt my blood going
cold even before I opened them. It had been a while since a project got me so
worked up and I could only hope that I would be able to finish it. I opened the
file and looked at the tittle, ‘Medical History of Mrs Thanduxolo Happiness
Khumalo’ it was like all the other documents I’ve seen before but I felt the load
of this job as I started reading it, tears filled my eyes and for once I felt I had to
pray.

I was worried sick through the drive back home, my heart kept going back to
the assignment waiting for me and while any other time I would’ve felt
ecstatic and up for the challenge, this time I actually felt scared. From what I
had read on the documents, the woman’s issue isn’t mental or emotional, it
isn’t because of stress overload, anxiety or depression, she was sick. Physically
PA
sick and the only thing I could do for her was to help her accept her situation
and prepare her son for what was to come. Lord help me.
Tuesday came way too fast and my meeting with Frank, which I attended half
heartedly went by just as fast too. It was almost time for the meeting that I
was dragging with my whole heart. Since the day I read that email I’ve been
zombying through my life, paying no attention to the things happening around
me. How do I tell my client that I will not be able to help his mother. That I’m
no doctor, which is exactly what she needs if not an asylum. I ran my hands
over my head just before my office phone rang, summoning me to the lobby. I
spoke to the girl who was working at the lobby that day and asked her to
divert my calls to Frank for the next two hours or so before I turned to the
person who had called for me.
“Mr Khumal— my jaw dropped as the supposed ‘Mr Khumalo’ turned to face
me— “you’re kidding me, right?”
“Fate.” He simply said and smirked as he walked towards me. He briefly
hugged me and I felt my eyes fill with tears. The fact that he was the son made
this even more difficult for me. He looked disheveled, unkempt but handsome
all the same. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and although his clothes were
clean, they didn’t necessarily look like something he would wear, he didn't
even have on a tie and I could bet my negative bank balance he’d forgotten it.
My head was suddenly itchy and I forced myself not to scratch it. I couldn’t
even fake a smile and neither did he, I led him to my office in silence. He was
no doubt good looking and if my memory serves me right, he didn’t find me
repulsive either but right now he was a person in need, a client and as much
as I’m not a nun, work always comes first. As I led him to my office I prayed,
this time not for a miracle but for self control and a clear mind. Because
sometimes we misinterpret the relationships we get into by not looking at
them the way they are, we insist on forcing them to be what we want them to
be. And at the end we get hurt where we were not supposed to and
sometimes we lose the people who were supposed to be with us for the long
haul, sometimes we even end up hurting the people we claim to love, so I
silently prayed for sober eyes that won’t be influenced by emotions and

PA
desires, the man in front of me is handsome but my gut said he was more in
need of help than his dying mother.
“So, Sipho Khumalo.—I said, thinking out loud and shaking my head— “please
take a seat.”
I bought him a bottle of water and a glass from the bar fridge. He nodded his
thanks and took a long drink. I could see the distress in his eyes even as he
asked me to keep his phone on during our conversation session. It was hard
on him to be going through that kind of pain but it was even more difficult to
try and keep it in. I saw how hard he tried to keep a straight face within ten
minutes of sitting with him. I flipped my door sign to do not disturb before
locking the door.
“It’s only you and I in this room, there are no cameras, speakers or
whatsoever. My office is soundproof and I’ve disconnected the phone. Are you
comfortable?”
He nodded slightly. I took off my shoes and let down my hair before grabbing
my own bottle of water and sitting directly in front of him. He was still tense
and I sensed that it would be a long time before he got comfortable. Luckily he
was free for the rest of the day as well. I distracted him by asking about his
time at the resort and his love for music, I took out my guitar and we played a
few songs, I felt him start to relax as I told him about how my father taught me
to play. As I opened up about myself he began to open up as well although he
was still holding back.
“Tell me about your mother.” He looked down and sighed, defeat audible in his
sigh.
“My mom is a very beautiful woman, body and soul. She doesn’t deserve this
at all.”
“No one does.” Tucking my feet under me, I let him continue.
“She hated the noise—a smile crept in his face, though underlined with agony
—my stepdad taught me to play. When my mom got sick it was the only
coping mechanism we had, our relationship wasn’t that strong but it grew as

PA
we found common ground and began connecting. I found a father as I
gradually lost my mother, it’s ironic you know.” He wasn’t looking at me as he
said all this, I could see it was hurting him. I let him find comfort in the silence
for a while before he started talking again.
“I love her, I don’t want this for her! I feel so helpless.” He dropped his head on
his hands and I saw tears drop to the floor. My own eyes filled with tears as I
listened to and saw his pain, dear God.
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked, my voice barely audible. He looked up at
me, eyes red. Calmly, he responded,
“At first I thought it was mood swings maybe due to old age but as time went
on it looked like depression or anxiety and then we thought it was amnesia.
That’s when I started taking her to doctors who diagnosed her with
temporary amnesia due to depression, we started taking medication for that
and it was like she was getting better for some time before she went full on
berserk. She started seeing things, talking gibberish, forgetting everything and
all that… “I hate this thing passionately. I hate it so much. I hate it!” He
grabbed his non existent hair and pulled it out as tears flowed down his face, it
hurt. I couldn’t just sit and wait anymore because his pain was my own, it hurt
so bad. I launched myself in his arms and held him tight, he hesitated before
he limply put his hands around me, he wasn’t feeling it, the comfort I was
giving him, so I held him still, not caring that I was wetting his shirt with my
tears. I held him tight, feeling his pain as if it was my own, softly rubbing his
back until he relaxed and let it out, I felt his hands tighten around me and tried
hard to ignore the fact that it felt so right, like coming home and instead
focused on being his comfort. I couldn’t stop myself from putting my hand on
his head and bringing him even closer, it felt so intimate but so right. As he
started to relax a bit, I let him go but held his hand and sat next to him on the
single seater couch.
“I’m hungry.” I was done with the emotional stuff for the day.

PA
He chuckled, “you’re one of a kind. Let’s go eat.” We went out through the back
‘entrance’ and headed to the shisanyama. We bought white bread and worse
at the store and passed by the liquor shop for something to drink.
“I don’t drink.” He said, picking up a Hunters Dry.
“Yeah right.” I picked up my apple Krush and we went to pay. Everything else
was easily ignored as we braai-ed meat and made noise with the guys, he fit
perfectly in the kasi life, my kind of guy.
Although he didn’t say it, I could see that he knew that there was little if any
hope of getting his mother healed but he was in denial. Although he knew that
her case was way too complex for therapy. Her medical file reported cognitive
impairment, shrinking hippocampus and even possible Alzheimer’s, so no
matter how I could approach it, she cannot be healed with just therapy and
emotional blackmail. Alone in my bedroom that night I kept thinking why
would he do that to me when clearly he knows that the case is a lost cause
where I’m concerned. These illnesses can’t even be healed medically. Instantly
I knew, he needed closure, to know that he tried his all before finally letting
go. I had a long road ahead of me.

Out of habit, the next week I went to see Mrs K. I didn’t want to rule out any
possibility before trying but the journey proved futile. The damage was too
much for me to be able to assist but I couldn’t say that to the client yet. So I
took the matter to Frank, to the board of directors and to my other colleagues
who all came out blank like me. It was really sad but most of all it was painful
as all of them suggested that I offer help instead to his son who needs it even
more than his mother. I’m very sensitive in situations like these because they
take me back to a time when I had absolutely no control over what would
happen. A time when I had to watch things blow out of proportion because I
simply just couldn’t do anything about it. I cried so much because my own
pain returned tenfold, watching this strong, handsome but vulnerable young
PA
man go through the pain of losing a parent. I know all about it. That night I
told my kids about my parents as we sat down and watched a movie.
“But ma if you do something wrong you apologize.”
“I did Mandisa. They never did forgive me.”
“Ma, no matter how wrong a child is, a parent never stops loving you because
you’re her own. The whole world can reject you but your parents will always
stand by you. It’s just that sometimes we have to remind them.” Mbali added,
holding my hand in hers.
I sighed loudly. When did these kids grow up so much.
“Ma can we go visit grandma?” Sphiwe asked with longing in his voice, they all
looked at me expectantly. I shrugged and sensing my discomfort, they let it go.
It ate at me all the time that I couldn’t give my kids the gift of having a place to
call home.
Couldn’t or wouldn’t?
I ignored the voice in my head and instead focused on finding a way to
convince Sipho that he’s done all he could and it was time to let go. I just
couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like telling him that wouldn’t be
enough. Somebody should have told me that growing up was this hard! I didn’t
sign up for this… or maybe I did, I don’t remember reading that contract!

I couldn’t avoid the feeling that was eating at me anymore, the one that
reminded me that my kids wanted to see my mother. I couldn’t take away that
gift from them and despite knowing that the journey might be futile, I felt the
urge to try, so that the guilt would leave me alone. But I had no idea what to
do or where to start, so I left my thoughts and took my guitar instead.
Tomorrow I’ll have a clear mind, tomorrow I’ll think about it… eish!
Tomorrow I have a meeting with Sipho.

PA
“I’m sorry, there’s nothing that therapy can do for your mother. Her condition
is medical if not impossible.”
I saw his shoulders slouch, eyes fill with tears and heard his little, almost
inaudible sigh of defeat.
“I’m really sorry.” At this he looked up.
“I’m sorry too.” He said with a voice so small I almost didn’t hear it. I couldn’t
read his face, didn’t know whether he wanted me to continue talking or to
shut up.
“You know you tried your best, right? It’s not your fault.”
He smiled then, though the smile itself was weary and almost invisible then he
shook his head no before he faced down, his hands supporting his head as if it
will fall if he left it on its own. I knew I had to do something before he drifted
away so I told him my story, a slightly summarized version at least and I felt
him coming back a bit. I managed to go through the story only crying three
times but I was working on it, at least it gave him the opportunity to comfort
me, to shift his focus from his own grievances to mine. He put his hand on my
knee and and slowly rubbed, his touch was not in the least intimate but it was
very soothing and comforting. When I told him that my kids now want to go
see their grandparents, I saw him think about it.
“I think you must go, to give yourself and them some closure. Because if you
don’t you’ll always wonder what could have been.” He said looking up at me.
Our eyes locked and for a time we just looked at each other.
“Come with me then.” I heard myself say, but it was too late to take back my
words. His eyes widened for a moment before he settled for disbelief. I said
nothing, giving him a fair chance to make his decision. Although I hadn’t
meant it when I asked him, I just knew that it will help him especially as it will
be one hell of a Christmas for him considering his mother’s condition. He
nodded subtly, I could’ve missed it but I didn’t press the issue, I just nodded in
return.

PA
“Let’s go fetch my kids if you’re not busy.” I said standing up to leave. I needed
to find a way to suggest therapy for him but being a stubborn Zulu man, I
knew that he’d not take lightly if I suggested it in a formal place like this, plus
since he was accompanying me home he had to meet my squad.
“Guys this is uncle Sipho.”
The smiles widened as they greeted and welcomed uncle Sipho into their
home and into their lives. Truly I’m blessed with kids who understand the
value of love and relationships, they make you feel so at home, I felt Sipho
relax around them.
“Ma I’m hungry.” That ladies and gentlemen is none other than Sphiwe.
“I’m hungry too my baby, I want pizza.” At the sound of the word, the whole
house went mad with noise and running around, I couldn’t help but laugh at
how much my kids love pizza and how free they felt around uncle Sipho. So, I
ordered some pizza, we sat in a circle on the floor and played some music
while we waited. Sipho was a little distracted but tried his best to
accommodate my very talkative rascals. Pizza arrived and Mandisa, Sphiwe
and I stood to prepare everything.
“Why do you look so sad dad?” I heard Mbali ask as I turned the corner, I stood
there to listen to the conversation as I shooed the other two into the kitchen.
Don’t judge me, I know you do it too. Plus it’s for a good course.
“My mom is sick.” Sipho answered honestly.
“My mom was sick too. I stayed with her for days and days, giving her medicine
and hoping that she would be better. My dad left and it was just the two of us, I
prayed and hoped but she only got worse until she died. I didn’t get to bury her
because I was taken just at that time.” She sighed. Pain still evident but not all
consuming. Sipho raised his eyes and looked at her, tears in his eyes. Mbali has
never spoken to me about this so I’m really shocked to hear this but so proud
that she’ll brave the pain and talk about it to help someone out.
“It hurts so bad.” Sipho said truthfully. She took his hand in both her tiny ones
and smiled at him.

PA
“I know. It should hurt. That’s what happens when the people we love go
through pain, especially if we are helpless. But you must find closure in that you
did all you could because no matter what, the pain will always be there.”
She rubbed his hand and kissed his cheek, smiling compassionately at him
through the understanding of pain that only they know better. I went to the
kitchen to help out then, a new respect in my heart for the child I call my own.

I called Sandile and told him about the trip we were preparing to take with the
kids and asked them to come along. We planned to travel there the day before
Christmas and come back on Christmas Day. Despite the outcome of our
journey. He promised to get back to me, my poor workaholic brother! Even as
we planned, I knew in my heart that I won’t be able to drive. Just as I put
Sphiwe to sleep my cell phone vibrated, Frank.
“Somebody should teach you the meaning of working hours.”
He laughed, “Good knews couldn’t wait, Sal. You got the job. Congratulations,
you are now the new owner of HB.”
I sighed in relief, “Thank you so much Frank.”
“Yes, and I’m retiring, effective the beginning of the year. This is my official
notice, boss lady.”
I chuckled and thanked him again.
“Sal, whatever you do, please don’t change nana’s dream.”
“Never. I know what it meant to her, to you all. I would rather enhance it than
change it.”
“I trust you, we all do. And we love you. Congratulations once again and
welcome to the family.”
“I love you and thank you so much. Wait, Frank, I can change the wallpaper in
your office, right?” We laughed and he dropped the call. He didn’t answer my
question.

PA
I was so happy, I felt like screaming, so I called everyone and told them.
Everyone being Sandile and Sipho. They’re the only people that matter and
that day I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

A few days ago I went to the dealership and got myself a car as a celebration of
my recent life procurement. I’m sure you agree with me that this kind of
achievement deserves a grand celebration, so what kind of grand celebration
beats getting myself a brand new red and shiny Range Rover Evoque SE.
Overlook the fact that I kind of bought it on credit but I’ll survive. So I’m on my
way to PE to fetch Sandile and Sindi because we’re leaving tomorrow
morning. My therapist Mbali is at home with Sipho and the kids. They are
closer than any of us, it’s funny that Sipho prefers her company than mine but
I think it’s best because she makes him realize that you can’t win all fights and
that even after you loose, you still have a chance to continue living. The
hardest part has passed though, last week we had accompanied him to take
his mom to an asylum. It wasn’t easy but it’s the best place for her, with
doctors and nurses nearby who’ll be able to attend to her better than he ever
could. He has already visited about four times already, he goes there to tell her
that she isn’t abandoned, to remind her that she’s not alone and that he loves
him. He is the most sensitive and the youngest of four kids, him being the only
male. It was so hard on him, he kept saying that it isn’t fair because she hasn’t
seen his kids and that she won’t make it to his wedding but she made it to all
the others, but above all that he never forgets to tell mommy dearest that he
loves her and if she can, she must get better for him. It was a bitter sight to
uphold but considering that I was eavesdropping, I couldn’t cry very much. I’m
glad that he’s willing to work on the therapy to get through this and slowly his
character keeps on showing, that dimple appears once in a while, so life will
go on.

PA
Why did no one ever tell me how enticing the smell of a new car was! I thought
as I took a turn to the driveway that leads to Sandile’s mansion. It has been
quite an adventurous year for us, you know. When I think back to that email
that called me back to Humble Beginnings one Sunday morning, it feels like a
lifetime ago. This journey has taken me up, then down, then deep deep down
and up again. When I look at myself now, almost twenty five years old and a
mother of three, now business woman who’s built her own empire and given
people a second chance but most of all built a family from the people she met
in the journey, I’m in awe. Yesterday when it registered in my mind that I’m
now a business owner, I went down on my knee and prayed. Surely there is a
bigger force at work because if not I wouldn’t have made it this far. I prayed,
thanking God for everything and nothing. I’m grateful, so grateful because
looking back at the girl I was just a few months ago, I’d never have thought I’d
be here, worse when I look back at myself eight years ago. Tears still come to
my eyes when I remember what I’ve been through, what’s not to be thankful
for.

“Where’s my baby?”
“He’s with uncle Sipho they’re coming.”
I heard giggling before I saw my baby. He never keeps quiet. I looked at these
people in front of me and smiled. That is family, that is what family meant,
whether blood or not, the only thing that counts is that we’ve got each other’s
back, we love each other like family should. I smiled as I entered the front seat
of my Range Rover with Sandile, Sindi and Mandisa. Mbali, Sphiwe and Sipho
trailing us in his black Sedan. It scares me a bit when my baby travels in a
different car but he’s growing up, I have to learn to let go. I never thought I’d
be able to do this parenting thing but it’s growing on me and I wouldn’t give it
up for anything.
“Ready to go sis’?” Sandile asked as we waited for the ladies to come to the car
so we can leave.

PA
“I’m ready.” I answered with a smile. I meant it. I was ready for any response
or result that we’d get at Kwa Nzimakwe and whatever it will be, it will not
break me. I’m content, I’m fulfilled and after a long time I’m genuinely happy.
“I love you”
“I love you.” He said as he got into the car. “I’m proud of you sis’. So proud.” He
kissed my cheek. I looked at him with tears on my eyes, what’s not to be
grateful for.

The end.

PA