Elizabeth Guerrero-Avila

Prof. William
September 14th, 2020

Walking towards happiness

“Don’t rely your happiness on other”

“HOLY SHIT, I’M LATE” was the first thing I said on my first day of sophomore year…
how great. I got up ran to the bathroom almost tripped over my covers that got stuck on my foot;
I was washing my face with what felt like water from a pond in mid December freezing cold but
I had to get moving. I changed into what seemed like a decent outfit, pair of shorts and a simple
tie die tee next thing I was doing was sitting in the bathroom trying to do my makeup as fast as
possible wishing an eyebrow wouldn’t come out crooked.
As I’m riding my bicycle and peddling like I’m in the Le Tour de France all I could think
about is how easier this would be if I could drive. My mother didn’t drive and my father left for
work at 4 in the morning, normally I would take the buss to school but I had recently moved and
I wasn’t allowed to take any school buss until my address was updated. So here I am rushing to
my best friends house before I make her late or I get left behind. I got there on time 15min before
we had to leave; enough time to at least do my hair and look decent.
Our school was old extremely old; one hundred and nine years old kinda cool right? But it
also meant extremely hot 8 hour days, because we had no AC. As my best friend and I are
standing in front of the school waiting for the light to turn green so we could cross we become
more thrilled and nervous by the second. We hoped it would be like the year before; meeting
new people, experiencing new things, “growing up”, meeting boys, footfall games, basketball
games, and cheer competitions. As we walked through those doors we felt superior we finally
didn’t look dumb running around trying to locate our class like the year before. We had our first
period together which was perfect since we relied on each other for everything.
It had been a month in and everything felt like it was going great until I met a boy. The first
time we met it was extremely weird our friend had introduced us and instead of me being a
normal person and going up to him, I ran away I ran all the way to my class and freaked out.

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After this I never thought it would become more. I look back at it now and I should’ve kept
running and never looked back.
I was always described as very outgoing person , I loved being friends with everyone, I
cared for everyone around me more than for myself, excelled in all my classes and after school
activities. This boy knew exactly that; he knew I was the complete opposite of shy and he made
it seem like this was completely alright. Our relationship started off great like everyone else’s; he
was very supportive of everything; my number one fan a little while. Shortly all of that ended, it
felt like he took off a mask and reveled his true ugly self. It became very toxic rapidly, I never
had a hand laid on me but the insults were an everyday thing.
I was a cheerleader so I had games every Friday night after school and this is when I felt
the happiest. The adrenaline that ran thru my veins, the excitement and nervousness of messing
up or doing great, the touchdowns that made crowd go off with us, was just the best felling in the
world. But when you get text telling you “go ahead and shake your ass in front of everyone like
the slut you are” this kinda ruins everything. As the insults get worse so did I, I wasn’t the cherry
person I was known as anymore. I lost all my friends, I quit the cheerleading team, and started
doing terrible in my classes, and somehow this is exactly what made him happy since in his eyes
I was finally all for him. I lost motivation for everything, I cried everyday in the darkness of my
room. I didn’t know what to do anymore I lost my friends including my best friend. I didn’t have
the courage to leave him because if I did it seemed that I be more alone than I already was.
As the only child I wasn’t really accustomed to talk about my feelings to anyone and I
didn’t have a good relationship with my mother either which made everything worse. I had day
where I just felt like giving up, I was at school but I didn’t feel like I was fully there my mind
just keep going over everything that had changed. I knew deep down that if I went home things
weren’t going to be okay. I decided to go speak to one of the councilors and told them “ I don’t
feel safe going home, if I do I know its not going to end well”. Getting those words out and
telling some something I have been keeping in for so long has got to be one of the hardest things
I’ve done.
My mother walked into the office as she was being told what was happening she kept
starring at me, I kept my head down, I couldn’t look at her I felt embarrassed.This whole time
she thought I was fine, she didn’t know her child was depressed, she didn’t know her child had
quit the cheerleading team, she didn’t know she had lost her friends, in her eyes her child was

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fine. Three hours later I was in a room that was not mine. My clothes, phone, book bag, freedom
it was all taken from me. You would expect me to be freaking out since everything that was to
my name were removed but I wasn’t. As I layed in the small thin twin size mattress I kept crying
over and over again. I knew this was for the better I knew this was going to help me but the first
night is always the worst. I cried myself to sleep and hoped tomorrow would be better.
I felt a soft touch on my arm and a very faint good morning, my blood was getting drawn
as I was barley waking up apparently this was the routine for every morning. I remember turning
around and seeing her smile; her smile was very comforting she had the kinda smile that made
you feel cared for. I spent a whole week hospitalized. During this time I replied a lot on book I
read from the moment I would wake up until I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
My depression consisted of many things not just the toxic boyfriend. At a very young age
my biological father left my mother and I, I have a very faint memory of this man since I was
only two. I blamed my mother for this for a very long time I used to think it was her fault and
because of this its probably why we don’t have a good relationship. Its extremely hard for us to
understand each other, up to this day she still doesn’t understand my depression, anxiety, and
anger issues but its okay because I understand them and know how to take care of myself now.
One of the books I found while I was hospitalized was “Falling toward the Moon” its a
poetry book; I came across one poem that I hoped I could look back at and feel the power it
seemed to try and give. The day has came… I am a powerful women who has accomplish many
things all by herself. The first line of the poem is “She is you, all powerful and capable of
evolving even when others wish to prevent you from building up the courage to grow and let
go.” Letting go was one of the hardest things to do but it was the main thing I had to do. I let go
of the anger I had for my mother, biological father, boyfriend, friends, and most importantly the
anger I had towards myself.
This morning consisted of a lot of mixed feelings. I am so much better but I still have my
bad days where I can’t stop crying where I try to motivate myself but nothing seems to work
when I just feel so unhappy in every single aspect and I finally blow up and release all the
emotions I keep in. Its okay to have bad days because if you think about it at-least its not every
night that you’re crying yourself to sleep anymore.
I am happy again. It brings me so much happiness that I am able to say that and not be
lying. I share my story for everyone to know that its all going to be okay, I know it feels like

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your world is broken in a million pieces and you can’t place it back together but you’re not
alone. You’re going to be happy again and you’re going to conquer the world because if you
have already been through the worst there is nothing else that can bring you down.

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