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An Importance of Forgiveness
Subject: Life

Category: Emotions & Feelings

Essay Topic: Forgiveness

Pages: 5

Words: 2082

Published: 06 March 2022

Downloads: 264

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the

attribute of the strong.” (Gandhi, 1958).

To “forgive” is to love. This claim has been

analyzed and studied throughout the years to
reach some form of clarification. Forgiveness is
meant to bring an increased overall satisfaction
to a relationship. This is highlighted through
Braithwaite’s studies on forgiveness as a
mechanism to improve relational effort and
decrease negative conflict between partners.
The comprehensive dynamics of conflict tactics
were examined through conducting research
on measures such as the “Tendency to Forgive
Scale”. This scale showed results of a positive
relationship with the measure of dispositional
forgiveness, perspective taking, and
agreeableness. The findings therefore
showcase, how there is undoubtedly a
connection between forgiveness and love.

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I believe that forgiveness is an important aspect

of every bodies life. I know that it is really
emphasized in some religions, but even as a
non-religious person I can understand it’s value
and importance in relationships, and your own
mental health. Forgiveness is not just for the
person you are forgiving, but it is also for
yourself. It takes the emotional distress you
have been going through at helps to rid your
from it. Sometimes it’s really hard to forgive
someone, especially when you think they have
done something unforgivable. Sometimes it is
easy to forgive someone when it’s just
something miniscule they have done wrong.
But in my case, this person has been forgiven
time and time again when they have done me
wrong. I feel that they are not deserving of my
forgiveness at this time if they keep choosing to
do wrong over and over again.

Holding grudges is not healthy. I have typically

never been one to hold a grudge for very long.
Although in this particular case, I have held a
grudge, and it’s because I’m hurt. I don’t feel
that I have been treated fairly. I feel that I have
been wronged, and it’s just not right.

This paper couldn’t have come up at a better

time. Over the past couple of months I have
been having a hard time with a friend. I feel like
she has forgotten me. Every time I try to send
her a message it goes ignored for days. I try to
call her and it goes straight to voicemail. I sent
her a message on Facebook and it was “seen”
but not responded to. Honestly it really hurts
my feelings. It makes me feel like she doesn’t
think of me as important enough to spend time
with, or even send a short reply back to.

I typically one to let things slide. When she

ditches me and makes plans with other people
I just say something like “well just let me know
you don’t want to hang out next time” and she
is just off the hook. She always apologizes a
million times over, but your apology means
nothing to me if you keep doing me wrong over
and over again.

This grudge makes me frustrated, angry, and

sad. I am frustrated at her lack of
communication. I am angry that she doesn’t
even try to talk to me, and that she feels it’s
okay to just ignore me for days or for weeks
(even though she can get ahold of me when
she needs something). I am sad because I feel
like I’m losing a friend. Holding this grudge
makes me emotional, and it affects other
relationships in my life. The other night my
boyfriend tried having some friends of ours
over, but I was just really upset about the
situation and just ended up going to bed. It
affects the relationship between my boyfriend
and my other friends because I am upset.
Typically when you’re upset you just don’t want
to deal with others, even if they are not the
ones to upset you. I didn’t feel like
communicating with anyone or telling them
what was wrong. I just wanted to go to sleep
while everybody else had fun. That isn’t okay for
me.

From her point of view, I understand that she

does have a bit of an issue with memory. She
was in a car accident some time ago and that
really affected her memory. Maybe she simply
does forget to reply to me. I am more of a early
morning person while she is a night person, so
may I am just getting a hold of her at the
wrong time of day.

Maybe she is upset with me over something

and is afraid to vocalize it. I know she is like that
sometimes. She is afraid of conflict just like I am
and will avoid it if she can. She is more
emotionally unstable than me as well. I can’t
think of anything that she would be mad at me
for in particular, besides the fact that I don’t
come around as much as I used to. She could
still come over to my house if she wanted to
though, and communication is a two way
street. I am not sure if I have hurt her feelings in
anyway, but if I have I wish that she would
respond to me and let me know.

I also understand that she just got into a new

relationship and is still in that “honeymoon”
phase where she wants to spend as much time
as possible with her new boyfriend. He lives two
hours away from her and her cell phone service
is not good where he lives, so that could have
something to do with her lack of
communication as well.

I feel like without this grudge that I am holding

against her, it would be like a weight off my
shoulders. I don’t want to stay mad at her but I
can’t help it. I keep holding on to these feelings
of anger because I feel like I am being treated
unfairly and have been for far too long, so it’s
hard to just forgive and forget.

Forgiving her would effect my communication

(ch 1) with others in the future by helping to
ease my emotional distress about the situation,
it will allow me to communicate with others
easier. If I forgive her, my attitude (ch 2) towards
situations such as this will change, as well as
my impression (ch 3) of others who might be
doing this. For example, maybe if another
friend of mine tends to ignore me for a while,
instead of being mad and holding a grudge like
I am now I will have more empathy (ch 4) for
them and be more understanding (ch 5) of
where they are coming from since I have been
in this situation before.

If I were to communicate with another person

that has put me in a similar situation as the one
I am in right now, the best way to give them a
response would be with extended “I” language
(ch 6). Instead saying things like “well YOU
never responded to me” or “you never talk to
me anymore” something should be said along
the lines of “I am a little upset that we haven’t
been talking as much anymore. Is there
something wrong and what can I do to fix it?”
With this response I feel that the other person
would feel less attacked or threatened and
would be more comfortable explaining their
situation to me. Typically you can tell by a
person’s nonverbal communication (ch 7) how
it is they are feeling without them even saying
it. Nonverbal communication is not present
through telephone calls, text messages, and
facebook chat (which is the ways I have been
trying to contact my friend because I can’t just
show up at her house unannounced) so that
makes it even more difficult to tell what a
person is feeling. This means you really have to
describe what you are feeling and why you are
feeling it to sort out an issue.

If I experienced this with another person in the

future, I would not want this to turn into a
destructive conflict (ch 8) like it has with my
friend. It is really weakening our relationship,
(ch 9) and I feel that it is partly because of my
stubbornness to try and contact her again after
the last time she didn’t respond to my
message. I feel that I shouldn’t have to be the
one to keep trying to make contact. If I run into
this situation again, I will know that after some
time has passed and I haven’t heard anything
from them, it may be time for me to reach out
again to see what’s going on.

I feel like at this point my relationship with my

friend is fading away (ch 10) and it’s really sad.
We used to have a friendship-based intimacy
(ch 11) where we were so close, almost like
voluntary (fictive) kin (ch 12) and could tell each
other anything. Knowing what I know now
about this conflict, if I ran into this with
someone else, I think I would handle it a bit
differently. This friendship just may be at it’s
close.

I think the core tension technique that most

applies to this situation is autonomy vs
connection. Maybe my friend just needs time to
herself, and maybe I’m trying to hard to
connect with her, or being too pushy for a
response. Our connectedness and autonomy
levels could be a bit different. Maybe my need
to be connected is higher than hers, and she
does not see an issue with not contacting
someone for a while, while I on the other do
and take it as a sign she doesn’t like me
anymore. I feel that I am taking more part in
the sharing tasks of the relationship than she is
though. So far she has put no maintenance into
the relationship in the past few weeks, while I
have tried to communicate the problem and
how I was feeling. Usually I don’t have high level
of openness, but in this instance I have been
very open about my feelings and what I feel is
wrong, it seems as though she just doesn’t care
anymore.

In regards to social penetration theory, it states

that “as relationships develop, interpersonal
communication moves from relatively shallow,
non-intimate levels to deeper, more intimate
ones” (Griffin, 2011) that is completely true for
our relationship. We used to talk about things
in great detail, tell each other everything and
were always there for one another. I don’t know
what happened to that. Even when we stopped
hanging out as much I would still always
message her, we could talk about our problems
over text, and had genuine, deep conversations.
It’s sad to think that, that may be over now. I’m
not sure if she wants to talk to me anymore. But
personally at this point, I don’t really think she
does or else she would have reached out to me
by now.

Social exchange theory “explains how we feel

about a relationship with another person as
depending on our perceptions of: The balance
between what we put into the relationship and
what we get out of it, the kind of relationship
we deserve, the chances of having a better
relationship with someone else.” (Straker, 2010)
In regards to social exchange theory, I really feel
that I do not deserve this kind of relationship. I
feel that I deserve a friend that wants to be
there for me, who wants to talk to me, and will
try to make plans with me instead of me doing
all the work. The rate of exchange in our
relationship is definitely not equal. I am
typically the one to call, ask to hang out, make
plans, message, and I will always have to drive
to her house if she decides she wants to hang
out. It’s not fair and it is not what I deserve in a
friendship. I feel like I’ve been replaced by her
newer friend and her boyfriend. She even made
a Facebook post about how she was thankful
for both of them, but not for me. Posts about
how much she loves and cares for the both of
them, but never me. I don’t want to be a last
resort, and I don’t want to feel left out. If she
doesn’t feel the need to put the time and effort
into our friendship, then maybe our friendship
should end.

After writing all of this out and spending so

much time on this assignment and topic, it
really shows me my true feelings on this
situation. It has made me see from both sides
of the story, hers and mine. It’s made me think
about the possibilities of why she is doing what
she is doing, and has made me more clearly
understand my thoughts and emotions as well
as how to deal with them. This class has taught
me very valuable things about how to deal with
such a conflict that I can hopefully apply to this
situation and make amends with my friends.
Because as I said before, forgiveness is not only
for them, but it is for you as well.

 Remember: This is just a sample from a fellow

student.

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