ay Wehr) E a 1) Ea1 - 800 - 462 - 3624 SUBSCRIBING TO MAD HAS NEVER BEEN EASIER.,.BEING SATISFIED WITH “2 IT IS STILL PRETTY TOUGH! Se INTRODUCING ‘MAD‘s 800 Phone Line is for SUBSCRIPTION ORDERS ONLY! alls occopted from anywhere inthe U.S, or Canada, Monday thru Friday, 9AM - 5PM, Eastern Time. (Foreign orders must be sent by mail!) 485 MADison Avenue, New York, NY 10022 FO serd mea 24ieue Subscitin lr $750 FP insme 910 of mwstnt pce a gta Cn ao zon 1 pete ae etLETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT: Random Samplings of Reader Mai @ ‘ASCARIS BORN DEPARTMENT: “Frankenslime” (A MAD Movie Satire).4 BETTOR PAY ATTENTION DEPARTMENT: How to Pick Lottery Numbers the MAD W. ITS BLAMING CATS AND DOGS DEPARTMENT: Would It Kill Your Pet?...12 . QD), vensasassienr or chaRO'SDEPARIVEN US ens GROOM AND DOOM DEPARTMENT: Scenes We'd Like to See: The Bride of Frankenstein...19 VEE DSCRETON DESPEED DEPARTMENT TV Wangs We Realy ed.20 (Big N TRAN] KS »X Ya | GLOBAL WARNING DEPARTMENT: Sending Up a Red Flag..22 ; oO EVERYTHING OLD IS NEWT AGAIN DEPARTMENT: The Republican Party's “Contract With Americe”..24 ea MARCH/APRIL" CF AG NUMBER DO 334 E) \Naevadaye, the pepfict evime ix getting caneght and then selling your story to TV!" —Gired &, Neuman 6 ‘THE ECCH MEN DEPARTMENT: Real-Life Super Heroes at Comic Book Conventions...32 ssn S07 View oeramrMen: Te Ughter side of.34 GQ gd SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT: A MAD Look at Hockey...39 & TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT: The Mongolian Mountain Mystery. MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT: "Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragones...Various Places Around the Magazine THE CHOSEN FUTILE DEPARTMENT: “Why Bother?” by Russ Cooper. FROM COFER AIST: REHARO INS ES SACK CONERARTT: GREGTHEAGSION. | 'Y 3 aACK COVER WATER. RANK SAMTOPADRE | LaJyyV4D) LETTERS & ‘aan M. Gaines Ifa wee falls in the forest and hits Alfred on the head, vill anyooay care? — Adam Femng, Bath, PanHey, im Jeff and | have a personaly dot cexeczive vice president & pubkher der. — Jesh Amberson, Snohomish, WA. Oboes Joe Orlando Al _# : fare cool. They rock! — Deb Fak Highland Park, 7 Ni..If you're not careful well put BGH In your mm! Brad A. Novak, Greendale, Wl..I know vegetables scream when you bie them! — Drew Beat, Anderson, IN ots a) should poiat Ulan Aliana the most ps Freddie Naloney been ‘on! Geta wood Wvebter an honor a sutserptions MAD COLLECTOR'S SERIES #10 ON SALE MARCH 14! MAD #235 ON SALE APRIL 4! Gune N' Roves' Slash, who inpired MAD #250": Headbanger PMR a Te | corer keepo the leeue close to hie heart... le It hie headi @ iTOMATOES DEPARTMENT BM UL ty sg SO be D in Pet by Series #2° MAD collectable onnectablesPerini A new film recently debuted which stars a legendary monster portrayed by a Hollywood leading De cee ee COR ranma scenes juxtaposed against tender moments of love and human tragedy. Yeah, we can’t wait to see Dee R CR ORC ao Coa a oe es te oe a BNE Vm Liat, an orphan 1 arn Herma, tale by the Frankenslime 1m Professor Wildman! Ive 1am Viegore Frankenslimst TfL have my way, a mother jo a 7 0 willnever again die during [iF " rom medical family! Vicgore and I were chlld birth, ike mine did s dead My experiments had ct raised lke brother ang My controversial plan the raving ‘terrible consequences for e for making the fathers ‘mankinal Actualy, 'm stil ‘ying to bring one patient pregnant! also belie tle ean bring people ba fof [back to fe who died with: from the dead ‘900d news for my patients since 'm 3 totally Incompetent doctor!—— dusting, washing a =e Veink Om, || Dont wor, — Wou'l [if es, out you mage Vegas |i ses at wrt | gee || “ene tng err! ‘sat te d [eeeomeirey ore te bran a t oreinel And A “Thing WL 22237 Bl when imonetzon ff would Nove | nay tates ces | JF found mace bars win movel Wt Work er Piccrial Mf coyouuse | me Aasans [eect Fe : ne dark ages of remore the brain of |} medicinet Sung) st tke expecting delivery of art my much medical of aspirin is 4 practice! Why not 2 doctor take two and call me| | already! se ‘Good! This mai S| all that’s elivereat “Judging from the attracted a | | Was that size of that lightning | | experiment lightning bol, surge to the | | part of your ‘exact spot quest to esmi Yes! need 2 Then, bat J Notas cigarette! Bit for Smaipox Netreaiyn es P vovii tec! much || soa sae don use Injection an that this =) asyoull ‘moter ignening | f= you dant needle nl fo tis ott olin ftinent Youre sour art) _kniein brave mant Li Leteesmea your heart a a | gave you yelling about? Were in a - 5s gue ag just fove | {made a deal with the } hangman to buy the corpsel But II let § him hang a while { t The/re |] | execs! | panetna, ||| "thepe | ehaeburt ||) ney tang | esa" ||| ‘tho tur ae way i hae 2 rowe| | aging Sat | "Zovi_| | sater boy to wor with Tas Peso, gveme seams |) anoener me. fay “one aoe My prices are high, Dut I gave you two ‘arms and two legsl And fm throwing ina J ThanetME » IN According a's dary, the: (ymeznezagg, es. and tr tle BA] body should be submerged in a tub of | Ygf} you done with the | f ‘Av last, Ihave someone BEAN) amniotic uid anc surrounds ny electne GF “batheun? ies net 4 to share the rent! This BOY ‘cats tosnock tne body toile! | couuant fart Youuse (Cj RRA) inc anya eu so tusedsmokes Jf) ieday andnignt 172 Rup)| selrnon instead! I figure they workjust [4] You'renct the ZN Pc 57 aon nih aN ee buiding you know! | ‘3 wall and if the menster wakes up | ren away frem Frankerslime's laboratory That pace wos ity! its much nicer here A in this pigpeal Hey, what's this in my coat pocket? Rook! Thope its Mary Shleys Lo Frankenstein! | an filp tothe end and see | ovr {tum outl Oh i's Vegore’s diary! Let's see: “And | created 3 huge misshapen cretin’ (Oh how touching, its my Daby Dookt | i Tid alot of mix and jatching at the graveyardt got your stature from | Napoleon, your charm from ‘tila the Hun anc your thieves —and Q _mrurderers? ii He || Yest And gave |! Idan Picked 3 meagreat Hc Tve—already had too—much PM think its all marketing, from my touch! J] medical attention! Besides. | I your looks of ideal wiown £ 4 For openers ‘cant go out because I'm friend! see you are one [J] so—very ua--y—and the jg) It's your 4 lousy shaver! You people | know are—so shoulé get some Nery be-a-u-ti-tus.. I medical attention! They dont ike rel =D ‘king peychic advice Kom a ha-bvon star wh didnt have ancughpayenic foresight to haope career goleg..why bother?Unless you make Viegore, fal Cet away jyg But she loves me! from her! Uzbits, it you Walk out co rie now, 1m billing both of Let them gol Theyre a matcn FB race in paste NB surgery heaven! ‘You rust have something £0 [remember her byl LETT ‘Athreesome on our wedding night. hmm, Kinky it ‘That's nothing! | also dog-eared all ‘the pages in your Dees di i I wilbring Labs back to tet NY Al thats misings her heart, A siete. NY p) rx up tnat double chin. and give Metalittiemore cearage.and (i opel | she can wear higher heels! God N Hove high heelst a6 Why not? We get atonal You 00k, play Mozart! You'll get a ‘hance to explore that male Pregnancy concept you Keep ‘mentioning! And fit doesn't work out, who cares! We have ‘enough bedy parts hing around) ‘to make ourselves new wives} oeBETTOR PAY ATTENTION DEPT. Forget about using birthdays, anniversaries and addresses to pick your lottery numbers. Those methods are for losers! You can't win a measly penny doing it that way! But we've developed a system that is absolutely guaranteed to he no worse than all the others! So grab your pencils and get ready to experience the thrill of a lifetime as we show you... Jog a A The number of you've record pe tho wrong show in ‘8 one month poriod show and you screwed up and didn't tape the end of it The number of tapes you'll. ‘gt around to watching, someday, when you have the time The number of| unlabeled blank tapes you have to ough before ‘the movie The numberof times youll | af ‘apo over a show you Ras The number of fires within an hour you'll check fo see if your wallet is otill there. The number of people in your ‘car who haven't bathed since the Carter: Administration. Toe number of times you! reread the same ad for homomhoid cream while the train ie etalled ARTIST: TOM BUNK The number of min- utes it takes for a {rain to arrive aff you're fold “there's a frein directly behind this one. The number of seats oocupied by sleeping vagrants, @ | P The number of a times the doors (/@" open end dose = before the fesin * aokually kes off WRITER: BARRY LIEBMAN.rT The number of strange people roaming around The number of obituary ages you had to go our build ou through to find your news = apartment. neighbors. The number of phony improvements your landlord used The number of palms you had to grease to actually “© 10 ‘The number of locks on your front door, The number of Chinese take-out manus in your lobby {in the thousands}. ‘of phone calls you make per day are totally lated to Job in any v ‘The number of minutes before 5 PM that you begin to get ready toleave. The number of office supplies you've swiped this month, after nine you finish your coffee and get towork. The number of dirty cartoons you photocopy and send around to ‘your friends via inter-office mail Per month. eae The number of profes- ‘The number of hours sors who force you to before your final exam buy books that theyve (iN that you decide to ise - written, star studyng Qo The number of easy orinteresting courses that are filed up The number oF it will take you to complete 4 yeare of undergraduate The number oF umes The number of months ie each semester that will take you to find @ you wake up face F mA mediocre job upon down inapool otfThe number of seconds it take: ‘The number of pensive itoms times your nurse has to jab your fore The number of Hnto7y you drop to aesure Sa\|| = ‘your date that tines you ran out of The number of shoddy overpriced knick knacks at th The number of ‘close friends” who both The number oF times you secretly check fin ‘your hair, breath j land armpits A Tre number of tines you pretend that youre really The number of times you consider telling your date youire going to the bathroom and then just sneaking away into the nightIT'S BLAMING CATS AND DOGS DEPT, Some questions perplex us ‘til the day we die! What is the meaning of life? Why do men have nipples? Will the anti-incum- bency fever sweeping the nation threaten the re-election of Mayor McCheese? .t0 wait at least a haif hour to lick your face after he's done cleaning his privates? CL) A SS ..to deduce statistically that burrowing under your bed- sheets and whining inno way reduces his chances of being struck by lightning during a bad storm? 2 ARTIST: B08 JONES WAITER: DESMOND OEVUN ato hop up on the bed five minutes after ‘you're finished having sex?nto puke two feet to the left of where you step ..t0 not look so friggin’ interested while you're out of bed each morning? going to the bathroom? ok 88 long as she’s sleeping 85% of the day anyway, to learn the subtle differences between a knife- to at least make the effort to coordinate her wielding psychotic sneaking in to disem- tricky schedule with the rest of the family's? ‘bowel you, and a visit from your mom? ODOT Hi ~S poe 7 - .to go through life without finding out for certain to assume if the vacuum cleaner hasn't actually attacked ‘exactly what everybody's crotch smells like? hhim in the last six years, it probably isnt “biding its time"? %Dear Travelers: safety is our highest priority — right after making sure each seat pocket has a barf beg. This if oridated each and every day by the tens pethousands of people who fly our Pianos ‘and leave our flights shaken, but alive. getore a flight leaves tho ground. mechan in nest looking over alls using sophisticated tools like mere hammers inspect each plane for the tiniest dofect. Do we need {0 replace that missing wing? Can ¥= get four more tancings out of those bald tires? Will that hole inthe tall Sttect flying ability? These may 900%) Tike small questions to you, Put they te important to us. We may not know the answers, but the questions are still important ‘To prove that we ARE safe, we 26 investing an unprecedented §20 million in running these ads) ‘another $10,000 will go toward Frepacting our feet. For eddod safety ® lucky four-leaf clover is now inerdatory in every uSscalr cockpit —2ver ‘though FAA regulations: don't require itt curthermore, we have asked 2 former commander in the US. Air Force to oversee our safety operation® He'll be arriving on the very next Amtrak train. In closing, let me SV that our timetables, fare charts and POY cash receipts are open for public inspec ore ‘long with every other caepany document, except of COUFSEr OUT maintenance records. 1 would not hesitate to tet any of my taws fly on USscAir, and | would proudly be there — to wave good-bye. Sincere} J Chairman and CEOAti eo ea nudad arest ARTST:SAMVIMANO WRITER. O&SMONDDEVLN bre UC Butt-Head Enjoying CO arian ciig at the Opera Elmer J. Fudd, NRA Member Since 1940Ariel and Sebastian Never Making It Out of Exxon BlavuiCuay Yogi and Boo-Boo patie va arc) Puta evita y the Police Found, After Jane Jetson “Didn’t Stop That Crazy § met tit deRMA ica Dwarf-Tossing Fred Flintstone Trying To Revive the Passion in His GPU Cael withWilma By Using a Stone Age “Marital Aid” Pepé Le Pew Being Slapped Ayu tLiWry Mer CCoratat Cn Sexual pele cuts BIT gPopeye and Bluto ICU Ma riiiiited Over Olive Oyl The Master, Realizing He Has to Clean Up After 101 Disgusting DPF r Cuan Grooming Himself for the Big Date with BelleGROOM AND DOOM DEPT. Beenes Wed bite 7 See ~ and i there be ANY PERSON | MEL | oBsecT! | here who OBJECTS to thie } ‘That MAN MARRIAGE, opeck NOW or forever hold your PEACE! «sand if there be any OTHER PERGON who OBJECTS to this MARRIAGE, speak now or forever hold your peace! ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: DUCK EWINGetworks have begun” arning announce me) iolent programs is interesting news. But once ain, the networks are miss< he kind of warnings ~ they really wantand ~~ Anstance, these... lowing made-for-TV movie is nothing more y this network to explit 2 reabife tragedy regulations require us to issue this Official AvaitaBle iy suppository Zoam, for that inner Beauty: Z WARNING: A cetebrity you thos 30 iefomercial minutes shiling fi eM Using onty a cizeuiar Saw aud a Monkey waerich | WARNING: The craftsmen on the following home repair shew perform amaziag carpentry feats with simale power tools! Viewers, attempting to duplicate these feats risk destruction of their home tr, a the very least, loss of their ie!Baal TO PRESENT The NeTWork TV BROADCAST PREMIERE AO Baran : & TULMSy 'O Coie Tonight's "First-Time Network TV Broadcast Premiere" tas x theaters, on airplanes, pay-per-view, video cassette rentals, cable TW and bootleg tapes! Any viewer who hasn't seen this ‘movie by now probably doesn’t want to see it atall ram has heen deemed unsuitabie ia watchdogs even though they watched an episede ofthis program! Viewers, therefore, are warned to ignore these watchdog's opinions and decide for themselves! 2i | | Cowie Home EAR, KYL [ (MON A BREAK, Lik, JOSSIMAN, UR. £ YOU'LL GET YOUR STINKING MAL WHEN UM BACK ON Odr#ach we por Wwe TO | Rass vwomay AGoUT MA mUSBAND | V pee Se —~fomeswatsa 7 | GREAT VEN! Ta | CN AANDSOME Linte iNsuRMce OZ Abad 5 wast ues roo ace Je By) BET \ COULD Prckcorr ROINNG HIS SLY yy 2 A DOZEN PEOME COLOMBIAN CARTEL! x SEIS ) BeroRE THEY KNEW | SiS } \ wage Wit THEME | Leeqneg Agmrcoe Ommnanys uo semen vonmey, Jag ORAL{ BREAKFAST IN BEDE BREAKFAST IN RED! DO. WOW KNOW WOW \ DAMN BREAKFAST \ IN BeD?H2t \ | \ SACK 1AM OF YOUR ) OR RONALD...YOARE So kena CONSIDERATE AND LONG NOTANG AT ALL Like ‘Nose HATUN Jomaes J” NUSED 70 Oxte! p—7 YM LODKING FOR SOMETHING “HAT SAYS, "6 To BAD YOUR CUTE LITTLE STORE BLEW SKW HIGH COZ 7 WAVE NO INSURANCE WHICH COULDA PROTECTED ITH” —EVERYTHING OLD IS NEWT AGAIN DEPT, Before last year’s mid-term elections, Newt Gingrich and his fellow Republicans issued their “Contract with America” — a cheap political stunt that would have been completely forgotten by history except for The Republican Party's “CONTRACT * ge — to give the Democrats some Investigations of Iran- E PROMISE to engage in heated but pointless public battles with lois of other fictitious TV characters lice Marphy Brown! aE WE RROMSE ber sthing bu ious an smi las nthe effort to solve the problems of drugs and teen pregnancy! E PROMISE that we will reside comfortably behind the high wal suarded estates while all of YOU ave to deal with the eonseq ‘our demolishing “the welfare stae™‘one little thing: the schmucks went out and won TOTAL CONTROL OF CONGRESS! Which means now they have the power to actually do some- thing! Which also means maybe we should all READ what's inside... h AMERICA” = - , CRS THPUL Post-Election Version!) 'E PROMISE to revive the policies of Reaganomics (despite the fat they tripled the national debt) horing that maybe they/ll work this time around! E PROMISE its beep the whole etn sytem the ay tt E PROMISE to fil every important Comnitice Chaieman positon with senile old Seutherners you can’t even understa E PROMISE ABOVE ALL boing unAmericao, to blast the ative about us and to stay sour good news comes slong!The repper who kicks it stupid hard about Pop-pop-popping tha police in Compton... when the only time he even sees & cop is when his infra- zed security-cam picks up a disturbance in when all it got him was a lifetime job teaching algebra? Sactor G of his Bel-Air estate? GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS DEPT. ‘You gotta believe! Believe in Tinkerbell—-believe in magic—-believe in all those endearing young charms—believe in the Bester Bunny— WHY DO W ‘The morning radio traffic reports that ‘The White House insider whose subpoenaed \IEVE promise to get you out ofthat highway S\IRIE. testimony inthe courtroom consists only of os Gridlock, and zip you to work on time. wr the words “I,"" “cannot,” and "remember". SV S : 7 S S =f = =e = ‘when the instant the wial’s over and thelr immunity kicks hearing the exact same report, and swerving to the same exact in, they've cut a 5 million doller deal to spill everything in a “all-clear alternate route” thet you are heading to? ‘Scorching behind-the-scenes autobiography?‘The boyfriend who whispers that you're Ql San hrough candlelight, at night, when the main feebie hat comee with mambership ia $20,000 ‘insurance policy foracsental death or dismemberment? with a bottle of wine sloshing around in his stomach? believe in peanut butter—believe that God plays dice with the world—believe for every drop of rain that falls, « flower grows—but why, oh BELIEVE... ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER DESMOND DEVLIN ee een Serpe ere et ao lll eee teanien & S their ex bosses" serual perversions. Ca ‘when the United Sta 2 “ 2 treated us ‘when they had no problem shutting up during the whole five years they were on the celeb’s payroll? cyJf Our dog when he acts ike we're abro- lutely the greatest thing on Earth... Doctors who insist that thelr job wll soncivat al acsons uocaos punts snd “when he thinks the second and third things ere drinking from the toilet and sniffing other dogs’ day-old urine? QUE ahi order to pump up lousy ticket sales... announce a tour next year, due to “overwhelming demand by his fans"? ‘when the last doctor to make an actual house oallis the ‘one who was called when President McKinley was shot? ‘Television programmers who refuse to run ads for condoms or public servi ‘announcements for safe sex because ule is filled with drooling lusthags doing every smutty thing possible (except watching condom ads)?JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. 20 Thomas..why bother? 1 by thn Is of Tad Kenn, Bob Pacowood aed Clan $a tat have to be considerGETTING CAR SCHTICK DEPT. CUSTOMIZ In order to obtain a valid driver's license, one must prove that they ~— are well-versed in the many rules and techniques necess: operate the motorized vehicle commonly known as a “car.” Yot, it ED DRIVING T For Characters From Teenage Melodra You are waiting at an inte ight has turned ‘green, but there is a pedestrian in the crosswalk. You should... For Characters From Hokey ‘Adventure Shows is you off the road. You astistance. () Run from the car. i will probably Pointiessty burst into flames. ® @® For Characters From Family Sitcoms You ar driving your parent’ car witheut thie perms- 2) Call a tow it VV p ta ate t a ! ‘ aes Gat yom toe tell For Characters On ‘Adult Cable Sitcoms You are pulled over for speeding, You are worried you might lose your license. You should. EE. By Pretend you didn't know youwould appear that the many rules and techniques th general public, adhere to do not apply to the folks on ‘So how do they get a license? They have to pass one of these... STS for TY Characters "ARTIST:RICKTULKA WRITER: MATTHEW A. COHEN. For Characters From Children’s Educational Programs ‘You are riding your bicycle home from a friend's house and you get lost. You shou! A) Look for a policeman to take you home. 8) Look for a phone to call your parents. BS ty task for a 3 puppet to For Characters From Sporty Car Commercials You are driving on a curvy road that is along th of a cliff. Suddenly you notice a large rock in You should. 8) Tap on the brakes, get out of the car and move the rock for the benefit of other drivers. There are never any other cars. in car commer. For Characters From Soap Operas itis the night before your wedding and you are driving hame from your lover's house, You hit an iy patch road and you begin to skid. You should... 2) Quickly shite into neutral. 8) Quickly tura in the direc- tion of the For Characters From Gritty Cop Shows You are driving to work when the commi cuts you off. You shoul Diseuss it with him at the rext staff meeting, = ©) PuttLMM Sa v8 Tay have the chance to mest somo of flgs MCN ARTIST: AL JAFFEE WRITER: DESMOND DEVLINBERG'S EYE VIEW DEPT. LUXURY THE z OF... [ARTIST AND WRITER: DAVE BERGGUIDANCE it's a beautiful day ar Because want to play ‘wth that stupid video game! ‘Why are you suddenly so interested, Inwinet our ‘son does? AMBITION ={ when grow up i want ajob Avent you ataid some crookwil [=] spray, a sonic alarm where iedon'thave to work snatch your purse =| "and ahand gun much, | setlots of privileges and steal your money? in my puree! and make big bucks! tocany money!“Any religion other than oursis acutt! | CSR : | “y We American el manufacturers SG Md have it made! There isvtanother rotten ‘oust trap for 60 miles!DRIVING Init was true, they | yess: failed my | heard your son went back to college! That's nice! E] What do you expect he't bbe when he graduates?THE OFFICE —————— re hard during your lunch hour! todo wa favor! _Dewneg Kam-seiniogo aney non uno wow sown AeA souno99 y 1H oF OAD 1 MOY AL eBURORKOR DOCTORSLL AUT ¢ Mientras 4 | A Gimme all your cash I think Herbie hes and make it quick! | ‘overstayed his welcome |s.a great place to ‘don't gt all night! on this show! He's starting Cetin Tp ay body rushing to? Where else? They're | . to look too much at homel jak, 'm going 2s fast et rushing home to as can! Waybe you watch Twenty Onet The TV quiz show? sit that popular? ‘Okay! ust hold th c @ | sett ora hat hour while go Ti sayl It even home and watch Herble Simple ff changed the nation’s ‘@p for hic eloventh straight ‘rime habitst | week as Twenty One champ! Te bodily functions aren™ the worst part! They supplied the con- testants with the answers beforehand! onin these f] Its the decelt, the fraud and the f “isolation |g] corruption that smell up the place Booths! fl] even morel No wonder MAD call ita E SHOW ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WAITER: GTAN HART SCANDAL WITH CARE DEPT. E Herbie, for Not cealiyt Congratulations! Everyone is asking '$78,000, what Er. uh. ah, You'd be ‘yas the name that’s aherd grumpy too, ‘of Paul Revere's ided horse? if you were ‘gelded horse? “Grup geldeatThanks. [tell ya, Tubby, I'm gonna make a fortune on that shew! And after thet Il get ry own show! With my -| brains, | could replace David Brinkley! ‘And with your looks. you could replace | J. Fred ‘one Ike you on Twenty On How ‘much Go you make 35 an Instructor at Columbia? make $85 a week ‘because of a very restrictive icy the policy t administration hast What polley Weil supply you with 's that? the answers to any (questions that might They only pay stump youl You! you what maxea ton of money! youre wort = Roses are red, Violets are blue! I'm a great poet, ‘So wio are you? ‘all my classmates are dang (reat things! But | rel lke Fm net getting anywhere in iy career Your expec tations are ‘too hight =) But | was number ‘one in my cass at Harvard law! Don’t get too puffed uot it was for penmanship! z i i i : i i 4 i : a i i j : i i i : i 5 f i £ g“The publics. Okay! How Deal! Fil take a ave 50 convincingly, theyil give me an Oscar for acting. like they gave Emest Borgnine Great! Only when we ask | Noitwon't! that Marty question to- Well make right, your answer wil be, "In 1655, the Award they gave Ernest Borgnine on ‘was the Nobel Prizefor |\| reputation Nuclear Physics!” Got that? || “for ene ‘or Mareyt J new show! Isn't he dreamy? [—] understand he gets | hundreds of marriage proposals a week! pita WASP-Iness! Father Van Boring loves to entertain |'m aman for a seasons, us with an ‘50 what else i new? awesome display of wit, Intell: gence and poetry! Because Herbie Simple told ie wast Hes Just Jealous cof my famel He got furious when he found out 2 woman wrote me pleading | run away with her! Why shouts ‘that make him Jealous? Te was from his LJ wife! *Y/ ‘Surel Oidn't Really? tin Ifind out shocked! Do yeu know how ‘devastating is toleam your spouse has lied to you?Teac [pea fw were (“Troan be 2 | ete || eeasim, Ys seaariee | | PSR latter aise | ye No more fine restaurants, ane Well..how ray, yun fl] about 2 show ne ? ‘where | star fel ne. as a malcontent Jewish doctor i Alaska? Do you, Herbert Simple {don't erst a Dad, thay | [ Roses are re, ‘swear to tel the whole witness who rales fedmme the || Violets are blue and nothing but the his hand to take answers on | | that's nothing a son ‘ruth, s0 help You God? the oath and has the program! | | of mine should do! believe his fingers crossed this guy! V ZN 4 i i i : r 3 i i 3 i i i i z 5 : £ 3 i i q i & 7 z : zg z aOT know what | ata was wrong, but | wanted to be frases are red, |—| on. dact Blow “| something more than the son of a famous father! Vlotets are bls. out your buet! Tean't compete with him Once, when I was 2 ld he asked me to complete 2 simple verse: great big... “A great big” what? Borange? Corange? orange? How could | tell my father that ‘mere sno rhyme for "orange"? Sob! Sobl Granddad, ; It's done all the time! Take this film for Instancel Redford why'd they presents these events like they happened within a few months give the y : ‘when they really took place over a tiree year period! in fect, contestants Twenty One ran fora year and a half after Charlie Van Boring the answers? it | | tett Also, the government awyer had iitle to do with exposing the quiz shows! The New York D.A. cid most of the work! And ‘to ent the record stralght, Charlie Van Boring testified beforo the Senate 2 year after Twenty Onewent off the alr because nobody cared atout that Kind of quiz show anymore!1104 Ayn) spt0s v0 OU HR IOUS OF oA SEN SUB feeb wu SUOWHOD AMP pu Kae fun ‘TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPT. THE MONGOLIAN MOUNTAIN MYSTERY 1 guoce the REPORTS of an 1m READY, Julusl ABOMINABLE ONOWMAN were) ul thia BEER'S too FALOE! Lot's BREAK CAMP] { HEAW fo CARRY BACK! ‘and go HOME, Randolph! Leta just LEAVE IT 7 Randolph, did you ‘ever NOTICE WATERFALL on THAT MOUNTAIN before? ARTIST AND WRITER: DUCK EDWINGMAD FOLD-IN ‘The American public was promised a new Universal Health Care Plan that would enable everyone to receive the proper ‘medical care they so badly need. Unfortunately, the plan has been scrubbed for the time being. To find out what people can do now to get help they need, fold page in as shown, FOU THis SECTION VER LEFT TAXPAYERS WORRY HEALTH CARE WILL BE TO WASTEFUL. THEY SUSPECT POLITICIANS ARE ITCHING TO GIVE EVERY SICKO WELFARE CHEAT ANDIV DRUG ABUSER ACCESS TO FREE DOCTORS AND MEDICINES. BUT OTHERS SAY THE ONLY WAY TO REAL PROGRESS IS CARE THAT 1S NOW ONLY IN OUR DREAMS A> 4B1982-1995 75¢ usa BOB DYLAN THEN AND NOW 32¢ HEN AND NOW SA 32e USA OP MUSIC LEGENDS jd their brushes with the law Rolling Stone Keita RICHARDS POP MUSIC LEGENDS nd their brus 1 Transfusion