HAGS

CHARACTERS

HAGS features a coven of three ancient, unemployed witch-actors - real witches, unemployed
actors:

• DRUMIEDAL/Dru (Dru-MY-dahl), is the oldest of the three, grandmother to Zelda, and

mother to Bea. Most practical, the money-man.

• BEATRETTE/Bea (Be-a-TRET), is an aging mother to Zelda, and daughter of Dru, a

passing beauty yet most powerful of the three.

• JZELDAMEEN/Zelda (DZEL-dah-MEAN), is daughter of Bea and granddaughter of

Dru. Restless, the rebel, the youngest of the three.

PRESHOW Early morning, in a living room down the street, that ancient
apartment building you thought was condemned. This is the home
of three generations - witch-actors all. Their home is minimally
furnished, all slightly worn antiques, some very old, from random
eras. A cauldron bubbles gently.

Dru, alone, walks silently around the cauldron, waving her arms,
uttering a silent spell to the sky. Three mimed stomps complete her
attempt. She waits for the magic. Nothing. She repeats, only faster
this time. She waits. Nothing. Before her next try, she sneaks an
ornate hand mirror from an upstage drawer, then resumes her
original position. This time with the mirror.

Just as she is about to begin, an ancient metal latch is heard, Dru

ditches the mirror in the couch, and assumes an innocent pose on
the couch, reading a newspaper with a hole in the middle.

Zelda slips invisibly into the room from the outside door, sneaking
along the wall toward the upstairs, carrying an overstuffed duffle
bag.

Dru watches through the hole.

DRUMIEDAL What are you doing…?

JZELDAMEEN (Startled, notices Dru.) What are YOU doing?

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DRUMIEDAL Starting the cauldron.

JZELDAMEEN From the couch…?

DRUMIEDAL (Dru raises a wiggling finger to compel Zelda. Nothing happens.)

Explain yourself!

JZELDAMEEN Just “starting the cauldron.”

DRUMIEDAL Sneaking IN the front door? (Dru finger wiggles Zelda’s bag off
her back. It falls awkwardly to the floor. A sparkly orange and silver
tutu bounces out. Zelda swiftly stuffs it back into her bag.)

JZELDAMEEN At least I’m helping!

DRUMIEDAL Robbing a bank?

JZELDAMEEN …I had an AUDITION.

DRUMIEDAL (Choking, Dru stashes the paper to glare at Zelda.) For ..what?

(Dru crosses to a large and cobwebbed fax machine.) There’s

nothing on the Witches Call. There hasn’t been a single
witches call for months. So what were you auditioning for?

JZELDAMEEN (Holds up a torn newspaper ad, the shape of the newspaper hole.)
For THIS, Granny D “..young adult female, no experience
necessary…”

DRUMIEDAL You weren’t about to tell anyone? (Dru tries to snatch the ad
from Zelda, but Zelda is faster.) Your mother will be horrified.
This is NOT how she envisioned your first time. And today of
all days - YOU CANNOT TELL HER ABOUT THIS - at least not
until today is …over. (Dru returns to finger wiggle the contents of
the bag, nothing happens. She doubles down. Nothing.) Get rid of
this - all of this!

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JZELDAMEEN …or what? She’ll punish me? As if. All she cares about today
is winning the stupid Grand Sorceress Wand. How can
something as cool as being a witch have such a stupid name
for its leader - Grand Sorceress. Sounds a thousand years old.

DRUMIEDAL It is. Clean this up - you have no idea what she’s capable of
when she…!

JZELDAMEEN When she what? Wait a minute - are you afraid OF her, or FOR
her..?

DRUMIEDAL Insolence! Help me. (Stuffing everything back into the bag
manually.)

JZELDAMEEN (Gasps as it dawns on her, pointing.) You don’t think she’s going
to win!
DRUMIEDAL O it’s much worse than what I think. I’ve said enough. Clean!

JZELDAMEEN What could be worse than thinking your own daughter will
lose the one thing in the whole world she’s lived her life for?

DRUMIEDAL Knowing she can’t possibly win. She’s been cursed. (To self.)
Damn!

JZELDAMEEN WHAAAA…??

DRUMIEDAL Enough - leave it at that!

JZELDAMEEN I will not leave it at that - an actual curse??! How have I not
heard this??

DRUMIEDAL (Stuffing everything back into the bag manually.) You are not
meant to hear everything. I was just like you - young, foolish,
thought I had the world by the tale. I’d starred in every witch
role from the beginning of time. Literally. So they awarded me
the very first wand, I gave the wand back. The end.

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JZELDAMEEN YOU were awarded the first Grand Sorceress Wand??

DRUMIEDAL Long before your mother was born. I was too young for it,
wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted to be a star. So I gave it
back. They were furious. They cursed my firstborn - your
mother - from ever qualifying to sit in the chair and hold the
wand.

JZELDAMEEN How could you have never told her?

DRUMIEDAL Why would I tell her — it never came up — until your mother
turned 4,000 last year. And poof she announces her plans to
run. I just haven’t found the right time, and now it’s too late.
She’ll find out tonight when they call.

JZELDAMEEN Wow, gramma that’s some dumb ass secret.

(Dru zips up the bag and tosses it with purpose up the stairs. To
her delight, it slides magically up and just out of sight, where it
unceremoniously falls to the floor with a loud thump.)

DRUMIEDAL O Faerie.

(A rustling. A few crashes. Bea enters.)

BEATRETTE (Removing her sleep mask with growing rage.) ..interrupting MY

beauty sleep - TODAY — (Trips onto the bag, recovers with the
tutu on her head.)

DRUMIEDAL (Snatches the tutu from her head and stashes it behind the couch.)
Zelda, get her wigs!

JZELDAMEEN YOU get her wigs, YOU gave the wand back —

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DRUMIEDAL GET HER WIGS!! (Zelda jumps to the task. Dru rescues Bea from
the hallway mirror before she sees her reflection.) Tsk tsk, it’s bad
luck to peek before the big day. (With suppressed urgency.)
Zelda bring everything down, we’re ready!

BEATRETTE Where is Janice…? I can’t see a thing without her….o here you
are..(retrieves the hand mirror from under the cushion.)..JANICE!!

JZELDAMEEN (Zelda appears with the overstuffed duffle bag, returns the tutu to
the bag, dips the bag into the cauldron, it emerges as a sparkly
orange and silver cape and tutu ensemble.) Janice..??

DRUMIEDAL Janice?? (Screams.) No, Bea, no no no no NOOO… (Lunges at

the mirror, barely retrieves it. Hands the mirror to Zelda.) She and
her lovely assistant had a little spat yesterday and Bea turned
her into this hand mirror. (To Bea.) Let Zelda polish Janice first,
she needs a clean up — you’ve been naughty. (Zelda dips
Janice into the cauldron, pulling her out twice the size.)

BEATRETTE (Bea merely raises her hand. In an instant, lights flicker on and off ,
the room pops with magic. At once, the mirror is in Bea’s hands
and Zelda is gone.) Mine! Thank you, child.

DRUMIEDAL O Bea, daughter, what did you do with…

JZELDAMEEN (Suddenly reappears at the top of the stairs, a wretched wig in

hand, Dru sighs in relief.) And now for the piece de
resistance…!? (Deftly dips the wig into the cauldron, it reappears
fully set, and slips it onto Bea’s head at the moment Bea raises
Janice to see her own reflection.)

BEATRETTE Oh look! Zelda? Dru? My duet of festering familials?! (Awaiting

their praise that doesn’t come. Bursting with happiness anyway.)
IT’S PERFECT!! On such an auspicious day! (Hugging them both
demonstrably.) Thank you, thank you, my swilliest swines,
it’s..it’s..it’s — It’s the WINNING LOOK don’t you think…??

JZELDAMEEN (Jumps between them, grabbing Janice.) And mine AGAIN!

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DRUMIEDAL Bea — our jobs are done! Let’s put Janice away.

JZELDAMEEN Not before I try…(Begins an incantation.)

DRUMIEDAL (Dru grabs the mirror.) AWAY away! (She drops Janice into the
cauldron. She and Zelda quickly dissipate the resulting smoke.)

BEATRETTE (As the smoke clears.) Jzeldameen — what were you doing with
Mama’s Grand Sorceress tutu this morning?

(Dru and Zelda freeze in their tracks.)

BEATRETTE JZELDAMEEN!?? (Bea silences both Zelda and Dru, keeping her
focus on Zelda.) You know your grandmother can no longer
protect you — TRUTH!

JZELDAMEEN (Zelda’s thoughts tumble out all at once.) I want a job of my own.
I’m 800 years old. It’s MY time, MY shot, MY golden hour, no
time like the present —

BEATRETTE (Seeing red.) Stop! Stop, stop, STOP!!! I’m confused, dirt of my
loins - you’ve picked MY Grand Sorceress Day - today - to
announce that you’re ‘all grown up’ that you ‘want a job of
your own’…?!

DRUMIEDAL Maybe we’ve had a little too much “independence” for today! I
have cake! It’s your favourite, Bea - mice!

JZELDAMEEN (Escaping Dru’s hold.) …yes, Mama, I’m growing up. And you’re
growing older. And just because you can’t stop time doesn’t
mean i can’t grow up. So I did it, Mama. I did it. I went on my
FIRST AUDITION! My FIRST TIME this morning. By myself. On
my own. Ta-DONE! And I slayed it - the call-back is tonight!

(Dru braces. Bea swoons to and fro as Zelda’s confession sinks in,
at last falling to the couch with an explosion. Orange smoke billows
from upstairs.)

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BEATRETTE …tonight..? ..THIS tonight…??
DRUMIEDAL That’s enough, Zelda! Go upstairs and assess the damage.
Take Janice, she’ll help.

(Zelda snatches Janice from the cauldron before Dru changes her
mind, bounding upstairs with delight. Turning to Bea, gently
removing the outfit and wig.) Bea, you know she isn’t wrong. You
know that we all have to face the facts sooner or later, that
there are a lot of younger witches then there used to be…

JZELDAMEEN (From upstairs.) ..just the typical windows up here. Smashed

right out this time! But nothing Janice can’t… (She appears at
the top of the stairs.) ..fix. What’s wrong with mama?

BEATRETTE (Reeling unmanageably, grasping for control.) Back upstairs,

smell-from-down-there, you don’t want to see this. (Bea raises
her hands high to Dru, about to strike a mighty curse.)

JZELDAMEEN STOOOOOOP!! (Stands between the two.) You can’t hurt

Granny!! What are you doing???

BEATRETTE (Snaps awake as if from a dream.) Wha..yess..where..wake up,

wake up, me - you must be dreaming…!?

DRUMIEDAL No, Bea, it’s real. Sit. Zelda. Sit. I have a confession. (She has
their undivided attention.) I too am getting a call. Of course,
tonight. From the Witches Council. That is IF they decide to
revoke my witches license. It seems I’ve lost my powers and
no longer qualify as a witch, if you can believe that… Anyway
ironically, the very same night you submit your name for Grand
Sorceress, I’m being stripped of my license to witch.

BEATRETTE No longer qualify…? O mother, mother, mother — I’ve been so

caught up in MY day — that must be shattering for you, I’m so
so so so so so so sorry…

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JZELDAMEEN But Gran - if I get call back tonight, I need you to show me
what to do!! You can’t be losing your powers…! (Breaks into
sobs.)

DRUMIEDAL Listen to you two! I’m not dying, I’ve just slipped a little. It
happens to every witch. Everything will work out. They’ll give
me another round, you’ll see. Have some hope! Let’s just sit
right down…. (Fluffs the pillows and prepares a comfy place for
the three to sit.) …and WAIT!

BEATRETTE Well. What a coincidence. We’re ALL waiting for a call. (Feigns
laughter, working her way nonchalantly over to check if the phone
still works.) Just checking. Works.

JZELDAMEEN What if NOBODY calls..? (Silence. They all feign laughter. They
wait. Minutes seem like hours.)

BEATRETTE (Finally.) You know what, my (gags trying to be nice) ‘lovelies’ -

I’m going to try the new way - I’m going to be - what do they
call it - nice. I’m going to say nice things and stop being so
‘old’ fashioned’ using the ‘dark language’. Try something
‘new’.

Darlings (gags) it doesn’t matter what the Council says. You

were epic in the day, mama, you know you were. There isn’t
any other word - EPIC! You won all the performance awards in
your time - all the awards that mattered! Nobody could touch
your Book of Samuel, your Endor set the mold! “First Witch
Actor Ever” — you got the first award! Most Performances by
a Witch Actor, Longest Reigning Performance as a Witch
Actor …. you set the bar for us all!

DRUMIEDAL (Humbly, blushing.) That’s when roles were ROLES.

BEATRETTE Not like the Greeks - all nice, and helpful. Horrible parts.
Horrible to play! There was a time when that’s all I could get..I
hated every one of them!! Ah, but the Romans got it. (They
share a dirty laugh.)

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DRUMIEDAL I did love working together in the Scottish play, I think that
was my favourite. (They all fall in to a unified line, stirring their
imaginary cauldrons.) “BOIL BOIL TOIL AND TROU..”

BEATRETTE THAT’S ENOUGH!! (Covers hers and Zelda’s ears.) Then there’s
Bewitched! She put an end to the whole myth behind witches,
she did, with her little nose…

DRUMIEDAL DON’T MENTION HER IN THIS HOUSE! She wrecked the

place, there hasn’t been a serious witch role SINCE!

JZELDAMEEN (A beat.) Game of Thrones - the Red Witch was pretty

awesome. At the end of her last line, she rips off her necklace
and collapses into dust. What an exit!

BEATRETTE They gave that part to that old Czech witch, what was her
name..? Recurring role too…

DRUMIEDAL OK, one decent witch. But even she’s ancient - nothing in this
century. It’s all CGI now. Nothing’s real anymore.

JZELDAMEEN Do you think I could play a human?

(THE CONVERSATION SCREECHES TO A HALT.

BEA BREAKS INTO PEELS OF HUMILIATING LAUGHTER.)

BEATRETTE Now why in the underworld would you want to do that

(suppresses a gag) sweet heart?

JZELDAMEEN Like you said, Gramma, there’s no good roles for witches
anymore, and if I branch out…

DRUMIEDAL No, is the short answer. Witches don’t play humans. And
humans don’t play witches. It’s a rule — BEWITCHED. You’re
above it.

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JZELDAMEEN But I wanna take a CHANCE!
BEATRETTE Let your grandmother tell you. Now how did that go the last
that time you played a human — you sneezed, and turned the
rest of the cast into chairs. Wasn’t that it? (Looks to Dru.) And
of course, little (gags) wonder, there’s one other little thing….

DRUMIEDAL (Springs to distraction.) CAKE!?

BEATRETTE (Bea assumes her role as mother.) Dearest (gags and recovers) I
hate to bare bad news, but….you’re GREEN. There it is.

JZELDAMEEN I’m green..?

BEATRETTE You’re a ‘beautiful’ (gags) - oh for the sake of gargoyles I am an

old fashioned witch - I said old fashioned not old - I can’t
STAND affection I’m going back to the old way it’s the best I
can do get over it - listen-up, wind-vomit, you are ghastly,
terrifyingly, deliciously GREEN. GREEN. That’s what they call
us in the business — GREEN. Only witches are green, and only
witches can play only witches, BECAUSE we’re green. It’s a
one-way circle, hog wart. Been that way for a few centuries
now. Nothing we can do.

JZELDAMEEN I’m green. Is that all?

BEATRETTE It’s no little thing, broken-promise…

JZELDAMEEN Then I have good news! “Diversity Casting”. (Holds up her

audition notice to Dru.) Look!! It’s a THING — and they
WELCOME it!!!

DRUMIEDAL Well, I’ll be. In my day you could be drowned for that.

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BEATRETTE (Pulls Zelda close.) Don’t believe a thing they put in print - it’s a
ruse, all they do is laugh at you and cast a blond. It’s
debilitating. You mustn’t, you mustn’t STOOP to it. Rotting
pigeon you have MY name to protect if you won’t protect your
own…

JZELDAMEEN You mean GRANNY’s name.

(DRU sucks in her breath, freezes, prepares for death.)

BEATRETTE Begin again, silly beast, I think you mean MY name…

JZELDAMEEN Tell her what you told me, granny-D…

BEATRETTE Yes, “Granny D” do tell…

DRUMIEDAL (After a long and awkward pause.) All righty. Bea, you have to
know. (Braces.) Before you were born, I was awarded, and then
rejected, the Grand Sorceress Wand. Your father and I decided
to return the wand out of protest that in those days they only
let witches - not warlocks - apply. It wasn’t popular to protest
at the time. It wasn’t like now. So they took back my wand and
banned my first born for life. You will never find mention of me
in the books. And, well, you may never find your name on
tonight’s qualifying list because of it. I should have told you
long ago, when you were a little girt, but you were so excited,
even from the first day you could curse, I just couldn’t…and
now this terrible news tonight of all nights.

BEATRETTE (Glaring at Dru.) I’d call you a cunt, but you lack the warmth and
depth for it.

JZELDAMEEN Think of it this way, mama — at least you won’t have to stand
on the stage and LOSE in front of everyone.

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BEATRETTE Well. From the mouths of babes. (Feigns laughter. Silence.) O
mama…o baby… even though I’ve wanted tonight all of my
life…I’ve never been more proud of you, mama! In fact, I’ve
never been proud of you before! (Breaks into a vigorous hug.)
You are both witches after my green, green, unbreakable
heart! I’m surrounded by evil!!! C’mon, let’s break a mirror!

(In the midst of the mutual revelry, the phone rings and rings.
Paralysis. The ringing stops. They resume their fussing.

Again the phone rings and rings. They acknowledge then reject
answering. The ringing stops. They resume fussing.

The phone rings again. They watch.

Finally the ringing stops.

Lights fade slowly to black.)

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