The Last Man on Earth

"Beast of Burden"
By
Brad McLean and Danny Sullivan

COLD OPEN
EXT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY
Tandy clumsily carries a stack of PVC pipes. One of the
pipes rolls out his hands. Makes a pleasant THUMP as it hits
the ground. Tandy listens. Purposefully drops another pipe.
It makes a different pitched THUMP. Tandy smiles. Drops all
the pipes, creating a SYMPHONY.
TANDY
Tandy, you friggin genius.
EXT. MALIBU HOUSE - LATER
Tandy crudely duct tapes the pipes together. Hits them with
a mallet to make different sounds. Its vaguely musical.
Hes delighted, but not completely satisfied.
TANDY
Hmmm no this isnt right yet.
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY
Tandy digs through assorted junk and finds two paint cans.
Green and black. Tandy scans the garage and spots something
in the corner.
Its a large canvas painting of blue dolphins and blue
turtles swimming in a blue ocean. All slightly different
shades of blue. Signed by Carol. There are three empty blue
paint cans below the painting.
TANDY
Turtles arent blue!
Tandy turns back to the green and black paint cans. He
heavily debates...
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY
Tandy bursts through the front door. His head is completely
covered in green paint. Hes jamming on a PVC pipe
one-man-band, attached to his torso. The music is terrible.
TANDY
Theyre gonna love this.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

Tandy winds up for a big hit and one of his mallets slips
through his fingers. He listens and cringes as it smashes
into something on the wall.
He stops playing and runs to the debris. Its a gold record
for the song "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now" from the
Mannequin soundtrack.
TANDY
No no no no no...
As Tandy cradles the record in his arms, he looks up and
notices what he missed before...the entire room is
destroyed.
Tandy takes in the sight. The couch is torn to shreds. The
kitchen is ripped apart. Every picture is torn down,
shattered.
TANDY
Oh farts.
END COLD OPEN

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.
ACT ONE

INT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY

Carol, Todd, Gail, Melissa and Erica gather in the destroyed
room around Tandy.
GAIL
What the hell happened here?
MELISSA
God damn it Tandy!
TANDY
No no no! This wasnt me! I
wouldnt destroy the house, Im an
adult!
Tandy is still covered in green paint and adorned with his
rickety PVC xylophone.
CAROL
What happened to the vegetable
irrigation system I asked you to
build?
TANDY
Rhythm and music happened! Art is a
temperamental goddess, in order to
tame her you need toERICA
(interrupting)
Guys, I hate to side with Tandy...
TANDY
(mumbling to himself)
I dont know why youd hate that...
ERICA
But hed never break this.
Erica picks up his broken gold record.
TANDY
(stammering)
No, Id never break that! I
wouldnt... I couldnt...
TODD
Maybe it was an animal!
The group is skeptical.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.
MELISSA
An animal couldnt do this.
TODD
A big one could! And look, these
look like animal prints!
GAIL
Oh my god, what is that?

Gail points to the ground. Everyone fixates on a pile

swarming with flies.
MELISSA
Is that...
CAROL
Thats one gigantic dookie!
ERICA
Im gonna throw up...
Tandy approaches the turd like a scientist approaching a new
discovery.
TANDY
In all my years, Ive never seen a
turd this big.
MELISSA
Theres no way that came from a
human! Todds right, this is a bear
or a mountain lion orGAIL
I think only the biggest of the
Bigfoots could make this.
ERICA
Wait, so this thing is still out
there?
MELISSA
Oh hell no, we gotta kill this
thing.
CAROL
We cant just kill it!
ERICA
Carol, we have babies on the way!
We cant have this beast running
around our house!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

GAIL
Agreed, that suckers gotta go.
TANDY
Im reading you guys loud and
clear, Ill grab a gun, some
bullets- one, two topsGROUP
No!
TODD
You know what guys, why dont I
tackle this one? Ill hunt this
beast!
TANDY
Yep, Tandy and Todd, on the hunt!
MELISSA
You cant go by yourself Todd!
TODD
I dont want to put you guys at
risk! This is a Todd solo project.
TANDY
Featuring Tandy on drums!
GAIL
You arent going, we cant trust
you with a gun.
TANDY
What?! Come on! Carol?
CAROL
Well actually I agree with them.
Tandy is incredulous.
CAROL
Its for our future family! Ive
got a bun or bunness in the oven.
TODD
I dont mind if Tandy tags along...
MELISSA
No Todd.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

GAIL
No way. Lets put it to a vote. Who
wants Todd to go alone?
Everyone but Tandy and Todd raises their hand. Once Todd
notices the vote, he raises his hand too.
TODD
Sorry bud.
TANDY
This is ridiculous, what do I have
to do to prove Im responsible?!
Tandy slams the mallets into his xylophone and it completely
collapses.
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Melissa, Gail, Todd, Erica and Carol sit around the
nook. Carol crochets.
Todds hunting equipment is in the corner. He serves
everyone breakfast. After dumping some food on Melissas
plate, he looks at her for gratitude.
MELISSA
I dont need anymore, Im good.
TODD
(frustratedly)
No problem, Melissa.
CAROL
I dont know why you need to kill
whatever this is.
ERICA
It came into our house, Carol, its
a threat.
At the far end of the counter, three cereal boxes start to
slightly bobble up and down. Everybody notices and dismisses
it.
CAROL
You can trap it and set it free
somewhere else! Look, Im knitting
humane, comfy traps now!
Carol holds up a very large baby blue net shes knitting.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.
GAIL
Im running on E. Fill me up Todd.

Todd fills Gails wine glass.

GAIL
And what do we do with it once its
trapped, Carol?
TODD
(to himself)
You try to trap a wild beast,
theres no telling what hell do.
A bad DUCK CALL begins emanating from the far end of the
bar. Nobody acknowledges it.
Tandy is hiding behind the counter, making the duck
calls. He is wearing a helmet with cereal boxes attached to
it. The group continues to ignore him, so he frustratedly
crawls away. Seconds later, Tandy appears without his
helmet.
TANDY
Oh hey there guys, did you hear all
those ducks just now?
MELISSA
Sure did, Tandy.
TANDY
Well get ready to have your minds
blown. That was me, the whole time.
The group has no response.
TANDY
I know you dont believe me! I
swear, Ive been in this room the
entire time. Listen!
Tandy does terrible duck call.
TANDY
Blows your mind to see it not
coming from a duck, huh? Just one
of many hunting skills I possess.
Gail takes a big swig of wine.
TANDY
Well, I see youre all thoroughly
flabbergasted. Todd, lets go do
some target practice, buddy.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

Tandy exits as Todd grabs his gun and follows.

MELISSA
Dont give Tandy the gun!
After they leave, Tandy pops his head back in.
TANDY
Oh, and it was a cereal helmet.
He winks and walks off.
EXT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY
Tandy slightly adjusts a stuffed animal. Its attached to a
Tiki Torch in the lawn. There are stuffed bears skewered on
torches throughout the yard.
TANDY
Now Todd, I know everybodys on the
fence about me hunting, but I just
wanted to show you what a good
asset Id be.
Tandy picks up a Nerf gun and takes aim. He misses wildly.
TODD
Tandy, can I talk to you about
something?
Tandy points the fake gun to his ear.
TANDY
Hey, I got two ears, dont I?
Tandy reloads his Nerf gun.
TODD
Im trying to make this work with
Gail and Melissa, but Im beginning
to feel a little under appreciated.
Should I say something to them?
Tandy carefully aims his gun.
TANDY
No way man, are you kidding me?
Youre a lucky guy! You gotta
bottle this up!
Tandy completely misses.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

TODD
Its getting really rough man...
Its sort of bubbling over- I think
Ive gotta do something about it!
Tandy carefully aims his gun again.
TANDY
When things get bad- you gotta stay
the course! Everything will work
itself out! Especially with
relationships.
Tandy completely misses.
TODD
Maybe this hunting trip will be a
nice break... I could definitely
use the alone time.
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Gail, Erica, Melissa and Carol sit around the nook.
In the background, Tandy and Todd fire away at their
shooting gallery. The Group watches.
CAROL
So, ladies, how are things going
with Todd?
Gail and Melissa look at each other.
MELISSA
Actually... pretty great.
GAIL
Yeah, no complaints.
MELISSA
Todds been amazing.
GAIL
You know, its the funniest thingthis relationship might be my
healthiest.
In the background, Tandy puts an apple on Todds head. Todd
resists but Tandy persists.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

ERICA
I love Todd, but are you sure he
can handle this hunt alone?
Melissa, you are the best shot of
any of us.
MELISSA
Well.. I guess I am, but it seems
like a lot of work...
GAIL
You know, it might be kinda fun. We
could both go! Just the three of
us, in nature.
MELISSA
That does sound like fun...
CAROL
Todd did say he wanted to go by
himself.
GAIL
(dismissively)
That was for us, not him. Hed love
for us to go!
MELISSA
You know what, youre right, lets
do it! Lets hunt this beast
together!
CAROL
How romantic!
GAIL
Lets tell Todd the good news.
EXT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY
Tandy and Todd are at the makeshift shooting range.
TODD
Yeah, the more I think about it,
this is gonna be great for me!
TANDY
Real happy for you man, can I see
that gun real quick?
Todd absent-mindedly hands over the gun.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

TODD
Im starting to dig this! Just me,
alone with nature!
Gail and Melissa walk outside.
MELISSA
(yelling)
Todd! Good news, were going with
you!
Tandy accidentally fires the gun and shatters a potted
plant.
GAIL
Jesus, Tandy!
TANDY
No no, it was an accident, you
startled me! I usually have nerves
of steel!
Carol walks out.
CAROL
Whats going on out here?!
Tandy fires the gun again. He slowly hands the gun back.
TANDY
You three are gonna have a great
time.
Todd sighs and takes the gun.
END ACT ONE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12.

ACT TWO
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY
Tandy meticulously runs wires across the floor. He checks
their tautness. Carol enters on the opposite side of the
room.
CAROL
Phil, what are you doing?
TANDY
Im setting up a couple trip wires.
Every inch of the room is covered in trip wires.
TANDY
Early beast detection system. I
figure if I cant protect my family
with a gun, Im gonna do the next
best thing.
CAROL
Thats very sweet, Phil.
TANDY
You might as well say thats very
Tandy of me, because sweets my
middle name.
CAROL
Well, Phil "Sweet" Miller, Ive got
a mustard sandwich for you in the
kitchen.
Tandy looks around at the wires.
TANDY
Alright, be right there!
Carol smiles and exits. Tandy painstakingly tiptoes around
the wires. After several time-consuming steps, he stops.
TANDY
(shouting)
What kind of mustard is it?
CAROL
Regular yellow mustard!
Tandy gets excited and moves faster.

13.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
Melissa and Gail walk along as Todd walks behind them,
encumbered with all of their supplies. Gail and Melissa both
hold wine as they walk and chat.
MELISSA
Okay, pre-virus Brad Pitt or
pre-virus George Clooney?
GAIL
Oh, pre-virus George Clooney, for
sure. Not that I wouldnt mind a
ride with pre-virus Brad Pitt!
They both laugh as Todd struggles to carry everything.
GAIL
Pre-virus Richard Gere or pre-virus
Tom Selleck?
TODD
What about like, pre-virus John
Goodman? Hes really sturdy.
GAIL
Ew, no way.
MELISSA
Yeah no chance.
GAIL
Todd, this bottles awfully light.
Gail tosses her empty wine bottle.
Todd drops his gear and looks for a new bottle.
MELISSA
Quiet, Todd, youll scare off the
beast!
GAIL
Oh, my gosh, look!
Gail points to a few innocuous broken twigs.
TODD
The broken twigs?
GAIL
How do you think they got broken,
Todd? The beast did this!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

MELISSA
And look, they continue up this
incredibly steep hill!
Gail and Melissa sprint up the hill.
GAIL
Come on, Todd, get that wine and
lets go!
Todd reluctantly gathers the supplies and follows.
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Erica reads a book. Tandy trots into the room. Erica senses
a terrible odor.
ERICA
Oh, God, whats that smell?
TANDY
Funny you should ask, Erica, thats
the smell of bravery. And a little
bit of urine.
ERICA
Why urine?
TANDY
(pretentiously)
Oh Erica. Everyone knows animals
are attracted to urine- pheromones
and what not. So this way, if the
animal comes back, hell come for
me first.
ERICA
I think thats just with animal
urine.
TANDY
Yep, hell probably tear me apart
limb from limb, but thats a
sacrifice Im willing to take.
Erica nods.
TANDY
I imagine hell start with the
neck, just bludgeon that. Blood
everywhere- my blood mind you. Then
hell shred my arms and legs,
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.

TANDY (contd)
leaving you and Carol plenty of
time to escape as my screams of
agony fill the night air.
ERICA
Thats... very brave of you.
TANDY
Just the kind of guy I am. A guy
who doesnt mind his flesh being
ripped from his bones- and now that
Im thinking about it, my vocal
chords will have been long since
eaten, so I cant scream. Just left
in my own private hell as Im
viciously eaten alive...
Erica returns to reading.
TANDY
But I want you to remember me as
the brave man I am, not the
horrible image of a beast
physically destroying every inch of
me. I want you to remember the
virtuous urine-soaked man you see
in front of you as you sing songs
and tell tales of me to future
generations. If you need help with
some verses Ive come up with a
couple.
Erica ignores him. He waits for her to ask...
TANDY
(singing)
Ooooohhhhhhhhhhh
EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY
Todd hammers in the last stake of a tent. He wipes sweat off
his brow and stands.
TODD
Are you guys sure we need three
tents?
Gail and Melissa are relaxing with their legs kicked up by a
campfire.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

MELISSA
Yeah, Todd, it has to be- we dont
want it to be weird.
GAIL
This way everyone has their own
space and nobody needs to choose.
Todd sighs and goes back to tent building. He grumbles to
himself.
TODD
Three friggin tents...
EXT. CAMP SITE - NIGHT
Three tents are up as the campfire simmers.
INT. CAMP SITE - TENT - NIGHT
Todd lies wide awake. Gail and Melissa sleep on either arm.
His eye starts to twitch. Slowly, he extracts himself from
their clutches and exits the tent.
EXT. CAMP SITE - NIGHT
Todd paces back and forth muttering to himself in the
moonlight. He picks up the pace and his talking turns to
guttural wails. The hair on his arms starts to rise, as his
eyes get wider. He yells and rips off his shirt and pants,
before lumbering off into the night.
EXT. MALIBU HOUSE - NIGHT
Tandy sits in a rocking chair, swaying back and forth,
slowly. A piece of straw dangles from his mouth as he looks
into the night. Carol and Erica walk outside.
CAROL
I think were gonna go to bed, my
handsome lookout.
TANDY
No problem, Ill remain ever
vigilant. And remember what I told
you-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

CAROL
If I hear the sound of ripping
flesh and gnashing teeth on bone,
pack up and run.
TANDY
Thats my girl.
Carol and Erica go inside. Just before entering the house,
Erica turns back to Tandy.
ERICA
Hey Tandy, I just wanted to sayIm pretty impressed with you.
Tandy perks up.
ERICA
The way youve stayed back and
looked after us- I think its very
brave. A lot of men would force
themselves out there into the hunt,
but youre here protecting us. In
your own way, youre just as much
of a man as anyone.
Tandy reflects as Erica walks back inside.
TANDY
(to himself)
In my own way? In my own way??
Tandy is getting worked up.
TANDY
Im a man in every way! I have
facial hair! I pee standing up! I
drive trucks! I can build things! I
have a paintball gun! Ive used
power tools before! I dont cry
during Meg Ryan movies! Most Meg
Ryan movies!
Tandy stands up.
TANDY
Then its settled, Im hunting for
this beast.
Tandy hears a howl and spots a silhouetted Beast against the
moon.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

TANDY
And Im gonna need a bigger gun.
END OF ACT TWO

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

ACT THREE
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
Tandy rolls up in a Jeep, decked out in safari gear. Hes
wearing tan cargo shorts with a tan vest and tan pith
helmet. He parks and pulls out an elephant gun from the
backseat.
As he climbs out, he surveys the landscape. He bends down
and grabs a large clump of dirt. He tastes it.
TANDY
Brown dirt.
He drops it. It quickly falls straight down to the ground.
TANDY
No wind.
Tandy trounces off into the wilderness.
INT. CAMP SITE - TENT - DAY
Gail and Melissa lie alone in their tent. Gail wakes up and
rolls around, reaching for something.
GAIL
(groggily)
I forgot my bedside wine.
Gail crawls out of the tent.
GAIL
Todd, wheres my bed wine?!
Gail looks around and sees that the camp is destroyed.
GAIL
Todd? Todd this isnt funny!
Wheres my wine?
Melissa crawls out of the tent.
MELISSA
Oh my God, what happened?
GAIL
My wines gone!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.
MELISSA
Wheres Todd?

They walk around the ravaged camp. Melissa spots a shredded

shirt.
MELISSA
Todds shirt!
GAIL
Now the wine seems slightly less
important... Slightly.
INT. MALIBU HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Carol walks into the kitchen wearing a bathrobe robe with
stretchy maternity material in the stomach. She trips random
wires along the way, ignoring them. As she makes herself
breakfast, she notices a voice coming from outside.
EXT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY
Carol approaches the voice.
CAROL
Phil, is that you, my big handsome
guard dog? Are you talking to
yourself again?
Carol reaches for the rocking chair and sees that its
Gails Gordon dummy with Tandys photo crudely attached to
it.
The dummy holds the Nerf gun and has a drink duct taped to
its hand. A tape recorder plays Tandys prerecorded voice.
He is answering fake questions, but far too quickly for it
to be real.
TANDY
...why thank you for noticing, no
its the same old hair! Id say
about 70 degrees. Right, I wouldnt
mind this being the permanent
temperature. Oh Im sorry to hear
that. What happened? Oh my god
thats tragic! Well, Ive gotta
keep a look out, bye! How do I turn
this off? Damn it Phil! Ill erase
over this part later.
Carol pulls the blanket over fake Tandy and walks back
inside.

21.

INT. MALIBU HOUSE - DAY

Erica pours a cup of coffee as Carol passes by.
ERICA
Tandy finally snuck out to hunt?
CAROL
Yep sometime last night.
They go on with their business.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
Tandy traipses through the wilderness. He spins around
excessively, trying to be quiet but making more noise.
TANDY
Come on, I know youre here...
Tandy fires his gun in random directions.
TANDY
Are you scared and confused now,
you stupid beast?!
Tandy hears the wind rustling the leaves and twirls around
quickly, terrified.
TANDY
Ah, what was that?!! I dont know
whats happening!!
Tandy slowly paces around, muttering to himself.
TANDY
This isnt working, come on Phil,
think! In order to tame a wild
beast, you must think like a wild
beast. I need to get in its head!
Tandy gets on all four and starts crawling around. He
approaches a bush and smells it.
TANDY
(crudely)
NOT FOOD.
He crawls around quicker.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22.
TANDY
NEED FOOD!

He stands up and roars. He kicks trees and thumps his chest

and the ground. He attempts to tear off his shirt but
cannot, so he begins unbuttoning it.
EXT. WILDERNESS - LATER
He sets his socks on top of a pile of his nicely folded
clothes. He runs into the wilderness equipped with just his
gun and his underwear.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
Gail and Melissa tiptoe through the woods, guns pointed
forward. Remnants of their camp litter the path.
MELISSA
Todd! Todd! Beast? Oh God, I hope
hes okay.
GAIL
Todd! Hes gotta be okay right? He
could take an animal, hes a big
guy.
MELISSA
He did seem pretty tired last night
after putting up the tents...
GAIL
Yeah...
They pause, then continue walking.
MELISSA
Do you think were too hard on him?
GAIL
Maybe we have been a tad
overbearing lately... but he hasnt
said anything!
MELISSA
Gail. Its Todd. We could ask him
to give Tandy a sponge bath and he
wouldnt complain. Hes the nicest
guy on the planet!
Gail stops and points.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

23.

GAIL
You sure about that?
Melissa looks up. Todd is in his underwear suspended in
Carols crocheted trap. He is disheveled. Supplies from the
camp are scattered around him.
TODD
Oh, hey there my lovely ladies...
almost caught the animal!
GAIL AND MELISSA
Mmmm hmmm.
TODD
He just got away, but I got stuck
in this trap here chasing him.
GAIL
Oh yeah, he seems real sneaky.
TODD
Yeah... so you guys should watch
out, because he could be nearby.
MELISSA
I bet he is nearby.
TODD
We should probably get outta here,
he could come back at any
time. Hes... pretty big and
scary.
MELISSA
Is he now, Todd?
GAIL
What DID he look like?
MELISSA
Yeah, describe him, Todd.
Todd is visibly flustered.
TODD
Uh well... he was big... and...
red... and had huge... ears...
and...
GAIL
Youre describing the Noid.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

24.

TODD
(getting more into it)
And... sharp fangs... with talons.
And a long tail that he probably
uses as a weapon... and yellow eyes
like the fires of Hades...
MELISSA
I actually have a notepad and pen
here, draw him.
TODD
Ha, you dont want me to actuallyMELISSA
Draw him, Todd.
Melissa hands him the pad and pen.
TODD
Itd probably be a lot easier to do
this on the ground...
GAIL AND MELISSA
Draw!
Todd scribbles nervously as Gail and Melissa stare him down.
He chuckles a little, they dont react.
TODD
A little scary, you know,
revisiting it. Like, ahh, not
again... you know.
Gail and Melissa are not buying it.
TODD
Okay... this is what it looked
like.
Todd hands the notepad back to them- it looks like no
creature in existence, past or present.
TODD
I may be off on a couple of small
details... but thats it. Real
scary stuff.
Tandy leaps out from behind Todd, flailing his gun. He pulls
it up and aims at Todd.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

25.

TANDY
GOTCHA BEAST!
Gail and Mellisa scream as Tandy fires. He misses wildly and
is quickly swept up in a second yarn trap.
END OF ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

26.

ACT FOUR
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
Todd and Tandy hang from two yarn traps, both in only their
underwear. Todd weeps.
TANDY
Todd, buddy, I thought you were the
beast!
TODD
Oh God, just do it, just kill me
please. I cant take it.
GAIL
Oh come on.
MELISSA
Calm down Todd, youre fine.
TODD
(yelling)
Im not fine! Just do it! Shoot me
Tandy! I cant go on like this!
Todd clumsily turns himself towards Gail and Melissa.
TODD
Im the beast, okay! It was me! I
broke down and I guess I destroyed
the house. I tried to make it look
like an animal but it all went too
far. Im sorry. I love you two, and
all I want is for the both of you
to be happy. Really I want everyone
in the world to be happy! All six
of us! But you guys are killing me.
Its too much. Three tents? Three
tents?! I cant be everything for
you. Im not a pack mule! I have
feelings! This needs to be a three
person partnership, not a two
person partnership!
Gail and Melissa look at each other.
TODD
I cant begin to apologize enough
for lying to you. For lying to
everyone!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

27.

TANDY
Apology not accepted.
TODD
But I just didnt know how to tell
you I was overwhelmed. And thats
my fault. Im sorry. I want this to
work. So from now on Ill be more
open, and that starts with me
saying I need you to let me live a
little. I cant do the work of two
men!
MELISSA
We dont want two men, we only want
one. You, Todd!
GAIL
Im sorry, we have been a little...
demanding of you lately. Im a
little offended you thought wed
buy thisGail holds up Todds terrible animal drawing.
TANDY
Whoa, whats that?
GAIL
But I forgive you if you forgive
us.
TANDY
Looks friggin scary.
MELISSA
I agree with Gail, Todd. While I
dont like your lying, I... wait a
minute... if all this was you...
GAIL
Oh my God...
MELISSA
In the house- that was your poop??
Tandy looks disgusted.
MELISSA
How is that even possible??

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

28.

TODD
It wasnt that bad...
TANDY
That was a pretty crazy pile there,
Toddster.
GAIL
Was it multiple or just one?!
TODD
...one.
MELISSA
THAT WAS ONE POOP?!
Carol and Erica walk up.
CAROL
Whats going on, we heard
screaming!
MELISSA
You heard that all the way from the
house?
ERICA
That house?
Erica points to the very visible, very close, Malibu house.
CAROL
My traps! They work!
TANDY
Todd was the animal! He did it! Not
me!
Erica ponders the implications.
ERICA
Wait, Todd... that was your poop?!
CAROL
No way!
MELISSA
Right?!
ERICA
Was it multiple poops piled up?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

29.

GAIL
Thats what we said! No, just one!
CAROL
Thats not good, Todd.
Tandy sniffs the air in Todds direction.
TANDY
Id recognize that smell anywhereI think he did it again! Hes
telling the truth!
TODD
You shot a gun at me, man!
TANDY
Okay, enough about Todds
gargantuan stinky dumps. I think I
owe everyone an apology, too. You
trusted me to look after these
little ladies and their littler
lads or ladies, and IGAIL
No one cares, we knew youd do it.
MELISSA
Im surprised it took so long.
The Group agrees.
MELISSA
Come on, Todd, you need to take
like twelve baths.
They cut down Todd. Everybody walks away as Tandy hangs in
the net.
TANDY
Guys! It seems youre one-for-two
on the nets here...
They ignore him as they walk back. Carol turns around.
CAROL
Ill come back for you soon.
Carol winks and smiles and catches back up with the group.
TANDY
No biggie deal, Ill be here keepin
cool!

30.

Tandy smiles and looks around.

EXT. WILDERNESS - NIGHT
Tandys eyes dart back and forth nervously as he hangs in
the trap.
TANDY
Noooooo biggie deal... dealin with
this biggie style. Of all the
deals, this is a smallie...
Tandy hears a noise and looks towards it. Its the creature
from Todds drawing. He rubs his eyes and looks again. Its
gone.
TANDY
Ohhhhh farts...
END OF SHOW