Target: 25 pages

Cracking Cases
For Dummies

A MUSICAL BY

Jon M idget

© 2021 by Jon Midget

All Rights Reserved
 CAST OF CHARACTERS
Jimmy Nightshade .......................An experienced, cocky Detective and one of the two teachers at the
school. He tends to be cynical, and he has a dark sense of humor. He
brags he’s never had a case go cold and he always gets the bad guy.
Arcadia Steele: ..............................The second Lead Detective. Arcadia is smart, sassy, and gets tired of
Nightshade’s cockiness. She’s both tough and feminine … showing the
world that a Lady can often do what Nightshade can’t.
Nightshade’s Assistant .................A nervous, scatterbrained, and twitchy assistant. Does Nightshade’s
paperwork, and all the little things he doesn’t feel like taking care of.
Big Mo .........................................The Muscle — who is also relentlessly cheerful and positive. Can crack
anyone’s head, but will give them a get-well card later.
Jane Casey ....................................Nightshades’s start student.
Dana Beckett ...............................Steele’s favorite student.
Quick Talk Malone ......................The first Villain
Sweet Sugar Sloan ........................The second Villain
Thunder Jones ..............................The third Villain
Zig-Zag.........................................Quick Talk’s #2
Knuckles ......................................Sweet Sugar’s #2
Hot Sauce .....................................Thunder’s #2

ENSEMBLE
Ensemble Description

Ensemble 1: .................................Description

THE STORY
Story Summary

ii
 SCENE 1
First Day of School

The stage is set up to look like a cross between a Detective’s Office and a
classroom. A sign is visible: Nightshade & Steele’s World Famous Detective
School.

BIG MO enters, shoving in two thugs, TWITCHY & GIGGLES. They are
handcuffed and look beaten. BIG MO pulls up a chair and sits down,
relaxing, while waiting. After a moment, a COP enters.

BIG MO
Good mornin’, Lieutenant. I think you’re gonna find our little catch of the day all shiny and sparkles this
time.

COP
(sizing up the two prisoners)
Giggles and Twitchy. I got a couple cells back at the station all warmed up for you both. I’ll go ahead and
take them, Big Mo.

BIG MO
(tough and threateningly to GIGGLES & TWITCHY)
Sorry, sir. You’ll have to wait just a minute. We have a little “business” to take care of first.

In comes DITHERS, carrying a bag of random junk, and dropping index

cards all over the place.

DITHERS
(rummaging through the bag, pulling objects out)
What did you need, again? Chapstick? Ramen? Glitter Glue?

BIG MO
The card!

DITHERS
(holding it up triumphantly)
The card!

BIG MO takes the card, and grabs TWITCHY by the collar, menacingly.

BIG MO
No you listen to me, Twitchy, and you listen good. Cuz you’re goin’ to jail for a long time, and it’s your
Ma’s birthday this week. You might be a no-good-ugly-scumbag, but you ain’t gonna forget your Ma’s
birthday. So you’re gonna take this card, and you’re gonna mail it from the police station before you even
call your lawyer.

TWITCHY
(coweringly)
Did you … sign it for me already?

Page 1 of 36
BIG MO
Come on, Twitch? What kind of loser don’t even sign his Ma’s card for himself. You really wanna go that
low?

BIG MO disgustedly shoves TWITCHY to the COP.

DITHERS
(to GIGGLES)
Now don’t you worry that we didn’t think of you. How about some … Peach Yogurt!

GIGGLES
I don’t really like yogurt.

DITHERS
It’s not for eatin’, Gigs! True story. You lather that on your navel every day, and your whole torso’ll start
glowin’ as smooth as silk. Cuz who says jail time can’t be a little spa time, too? Am I Right?

BIG MO
(shoving GIGGLES to the COP as well)
Now, they’re all yours, Lieutenant.

COP
Thanks. And tell Nightshade and Steele, that we owe them again. About a hundred times over now.

COP exits GIGGLES & TWITCHY. DITHERS starts picking up index cards
that he dropped when he entered, examining all the random things he wrote
on them, trying to remember something important. BIG MO watches with
amusement.

DITHERS
I swear, something important’s happening today.

BIG MO
Can’t remember, huh?

DITHERS
That’s what my cards are for. I don’t have to remember. I just have to find the right one …

… let’s see … licking batteries is painful … open doors before walking through them. I learned that one
just last Saturday! … um … Oh! Yeah! Today’s October 10th!

BIG MO
First day of school. The students will be here in just a few minutes.

NIGHTSHADE enters dramatically. Everything about his appearance and

behavior should scream: Classic World-Weary Film Noir Detective.

NIGHTSHADE
(in his World-Weary monologuing voice)
It was that kind of morning. After being up all night, pulling two more thugs off the street, the a.m. says
thank you with too much sunlight and a headache that could split the Nile.

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DITHERS
Nice monologuing, sir.

NIGHTSHADE
I gotta be ready when the students arrive.

STEELE arrives, sees that NIGHTSHADE is already in his monologue form,

and rolls her eyes.

NIGHTSHADE
(back to monologuing)
As if the sunrise wasn’t enough trouble, in walked a Dame with looks that could kill and eyes that
wouldn’t take no for an answer.

STEELE
Eyes that wouldn’t take no for an answer? What does that even mean, Nightshade.

NIGHTSHADE
I don’t know, Steele. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just setting the mood. All the students will be
here any minute, and I gotta start ‘em off right.

STEELE
How about this.

(goes into her own monologuing voice: smart, snappy, an sassy)

When I walked in, one look was all I needed to know who he was. He thought he was a charmer, which
was funny … cuz all I saw was a snake.

NIGHSHADE
(monologuing)
She was the kind of dame that liked the sunlight only because it made the shadows in her heart that
much darker.

STEELE
With any luck, this would be my payday.

NIGHTSHADE
Little did I know, Lady Luck had already decided to have a date with somebody else.

STEELE
You ready, Nightshade?

NIGHTSHADE
I’m ready, Steele.

STEELE
Then … let’s have some fun. It’s the first day of school.

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Song 1: “Nightshade & Steele”

ALL
A darkened back room … bad guys make a deal
The night comes too soon … there’s fine jewels to steal
Something’s in the shadows … what do they conceal?

It’s a bad world … Filled with bad guys … There is one hope … for you
We are Nightshade and Steele

You’ve handcuffed the goon … but now he won’t squeal

This guy has an alibi … But is it for real?
You’ve gathered all the clues now … What do they reveal?

It’s a bad world … Filled with bad guys … There is one hope …
Nightshade and Steele
We’re Nightshade and Steele

Dance Interlude

Chase ‘em down the alley … the danger is real

Catch ‘em red-handed … so they can’t appeal
Trenchcoats! fedoras! … And cases surreal

Secrets hiding … suspects lying … victims crying

Try some blackmail … chase a false trail … deadly female

It’s a bad world … filled with bad guys … There is one hope, only one hope for you
We are Nightshade and Steele!

End Song

Page 4 of 36
 SCENE 2
The First Day, & the Robbery

The students gather around as NIGHTSHADE & STEELE get ready to address
them all.

STEELE
Welcome. Another year starts at Nightshade and Steele’s World Famous Detective School.

NIGHTSHADE
Gray hats — just one more year, and you’ll get your black fedora and be ready to solve cases on your
own.

STEELE
And to all those who are just starting your education … it’ll be just one short year and you’ll move up
from white to gray.

NIGHTSHADE
I know it’s exciting, but let’s quiet down, just for a bit. To do some housekeeping items.

STEELE
First of all, we’d like to introduce this year’s Student Officers. We have Jane Casey. And Dana Beckett.

CASEY & BECKETT come to the front of the stage with Nightshade and
Steele, to applause from the Ensemble.

CASEY
Remember. Detective work takes nerves of Steele.

BECKETT
And don’t pull down the shades at night, when you need to keep your eyes open.

While everyone laughs & applauds, York 1 stands.

YORK 1
Is flattering and kissing up to the detectives part of what we’re learning here?

STEELE
(in mock offense)
Hey! It’s not part of the curriculum. It’s more, how you get extra credit.

YORK 2
Don’t worry. You’ll get used to their egos.

NIGHTSHADE
Didn’t you already say something? And how’d you move over there so fast?

CASEY
We’d like to give you a little overview on what you’ll be learning this year.

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BECKETT
Between Nightshade and Steele, we get to learn from over 10 years of experience, working together to
put away over 200 thugs into prison.

STEELE
Not to brag … but we just put away two more last night.

BECKETT
From Arcadia Steele, my personal hero, we’ll learn all about gathering the evidence and following what it
means.

CASEY
From Jimmy Nightshade, the brilliant detective whose smile makes all our hearts melt, we’ll learn all
about building stories — because every crime has a story to be pieced together.

NIGHTSHADE
(monologuing)
The story usually starts in the office, on a rainy afternoon …

Steele, Big Mo, & Dithers, rolling their eyes, having heard the exact same
thing from Nightshade a hundred times, all complete the sentence with him

NIGHTSHADE, STEELE, BIG MO, & DITHERS

(in unison)
With a Dame dressed like trouble walking in the door.

NIGHTSHADE
(annoyed)
Hey! Let me do the storytelling.

BECKETT
From Big Mo, Ms. Steele’s assistant and the muscle of the team, we’ll learn how to pound the bad guys
into submission.

BIG MO
With a smile and a soul filled with sparkles and unicorns!

CASEY
And finally, from Willard Dithers, Mr. Nightshade’s assistant, we’ll learn …

DITHERS
All about the guacamole incident!

NIGHTSHADE, STEELE, & BIG MO all groan and start complaining.

STEELE
None of them want to know about the guacamole incident, Dithers.

DITHERS
But it helps them see … sometimes, if you have your wits about you, cases get cracked in the most
unusual of ways!

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BIG MO
Boss, we might as well let Dithers talk. He’ll never be happy until he tells the story.

NIGHTSHADE & STEELE sit down, resigned and hopeless.

CASEY
White hats, just so you know, this is a big deal.

BECKETT
Nobody has ever really heard the full story before.

DITHERS
I know what you’re all thinking. Guacamole has its obvious uses: tacos. Bathing songbirds. And of
course, who doesn’t keep a bucket in their bathroom — so you can have that “I’ve done my business”
glow that we all love. But how can it solve a case? Well let me tell you … it was the early spring of …

DITHERS starts searching through his index cards, trying to find the
guacamole incident details.

Order more fry sauce … round soccer balls work better than hexagonal ones … socks first, then shoes …
I think we were robbed last night because the safe was open and all the money is missing …

NIGHTSHADE, STEELE, & BIG MO

(simultaneously)
What?!?

DITHERS
(confused)
I swear, I wrote the guacamole date down on one of these.

STEELE
Did you just say we were robbed?

NIGHTSHADE
Last night?

DITHERS
(looking at the index card)
Um … Oh. Yeah! I guess I forgot to tell you. All our money’s gone.

DYRENG 2
What kind of brilliant detectives are you?

STEELE
The kind that’s put over 200 crooks in jail. That kind.

DYRING 1
But who could have robbed you?

NIGHTSHADE
We’re you just over there? Why’d you change your hat?

Page 7 of 36
CASEY
Actually, there’s a long list of crooks who could have done this.

BECKETT
You don’t put 200 of them in jail without getting them mad at you.

CASEY
We grey hats spent all last year learning about them.

BECKETT
And we know three who just got out of jail last month.

Song: “Villains Song”

This song is done by the GREY HATS (including CASEY & BECKETT), as well
as NIGHTSHADE, STEELE, BIG MO, & DITHERS. The VILLAINS &
HENCHMEN are introduced in the song, as well.

There’s a rustle in the bushes, there’s a tremble in the trees

Hear it like a whisper, smell it on the summer breeze

Someone bad is getting nearer, someone bad is comin’ through

Got some shady business, gettin’ ‘em some revenue

Come on, we got here Quick Talk Malone

Come on, we got here Sweet Sugar Sloan
Come on, we got here Two-timin’ Thunder Jones

Nightshade’s feeling poor now, and Steele is short of cash

And now we’re stuck all wond’rin’, who came and took their stash?

HENCHMEN (SPEAK-SINGING)
Ha Ha! So you’re money’s all gone … where did it go?
Ha Ha! How strange that we’re suddenly rolling in dough
Ha Ha! How sad that you’ve had such terrible luck
Right when we are running amock!

SINGERS
His voice moves like silver, he’s Quick Talk Malone
She’s Gorgeous and Deadly, that Sweet Sugar Sloan
A bad double-crosser, Two-timin’ Thunder Jones
One of ‘em was guilty … but tell me who!

Page 8 of 36
 SCENE 3
Meet the Villains

STEELE
I can’t believe we were robbed! On the first day of school, too!

NIGHTSHADE
It never occurred to you to maybe let us know about the missing money?

DITHERS
(holding up several index card, referring to them as he explains)
Well, it’s a funny story. I saw the missing money, so I went to call you. But the phone was dead … cuz I
guess without the money we couldn’t pay the phone bill. And then Big Mo sent me to the store. And,
just an FYI, they have a sale on green cupcake sprinkles until Wednesday, so if you feel like your
mustache is starting to lose its luster …

STEELE
None of us have a mustache, Dithers. And who wants to imagine them with sprinkles, anyway?

NIGHTSHADE
Why’d you send him to the store?

BIG MO
(defensively)
For Giggles and Twitchy. You know how I feel about putting goons in jail when they have unfinished
business! It’s one thing to thump ‘em and knock ‘em around, but why be mean about it?

CASEY
Mr. Nightshade? Ms. Steele? We’ve been thinking, and we have an idea.

BECKETT
We are students in a detective school.

CASEY
And there’s just been a mysterious crime committed.

BECKETT
What if you make solving the crime this month’s lesson?

STEELE
That’s a good idea.

NIGHTSHADE
(monologuing, to the audience)
We were short on cash, but high on ideas. And any good detective knows that when his gut is speaking,
it’s time to let the hunches point the way to Manitoba.

STEELE
And what does “point the way to Manitoba” mean, Nightshade?

Page 9 of 36
NIGHTSHADE
I don’t know, Steele! Why does stuff have to mean anything anyway?

(resumes monologuing)
Cuz when the mood’s smoky as a midnight streetlamp, it’s not what you see that stands out, but the
silhouettes — dark, hazy, and filled with mystery.

STEELE
Nothing you say even makes sense. You can capture the mood and still share information. Watch:

(monologuing)
Nightshade sent Big Mo and Dithers to bring in our shady trio of suspects. And in they came, smiles and
fake innocence plastered on their faces like cucumbers and moisturizing cream.

(back to Nightshade)
See?

BIG MO & DITHERS lead in the VILLAINS, accompanied by their

HENCHMEN.

STEELE
Well, students. It’s time to turn the classroom into some real-world experience. We’ve been robbed, and
we wanna catch the goons that did it. So pay attention, and you might just solve this sucker.

(to YORK 1 & DYRENG 1)

You two, go get some notebooks for everyone.

NIGHTSHADE
We’re going to start with step 1: meet the suspects.

(suddenly looking at YORK 2 & DYRENG 2)

Weren’t you just sent out to get notebooks? Go. And why do you keep changing hats?

STEELE
Mo … let’s bring out Miss Sweet Sugar Sloane first.

SWEET SUGAR comes up front & center, with KNUCKLES right behind.

SWEET SUGAR
(seductively to NIGHTSHADE)
Well, well, well. Arcadia Steele and … Jimmy Nightshade. I heard you’re short on cash. Which is too
bad, Nightshade, cuz I’m a girl that has expensive taste.

KNUCKLES
Yeah, Nightshade. Miss Sugar likes pricy things. Figure it out.

STEELE
What’s with all the jewels, Sugar? Come into a load of money recently?

Page 10 of 36
SWEET SUGAR
Oh, Arcadia. I have dozens of boys trying to buy me things. That’s why I have Knuckles to beat them off
for me. Beauty is a gift and a curse. You wouldn’t understand it, of course.

KNUCKLES
Miss Sugar says I don’t need to beat you off, though Mr. Nightshade. She kinda likes the idea of running
you around like a dog on a leash.

NIGHTSHADE
That’s funny, Sugar. Cuz I don’t remember you being so flirty when I shut you up in jail back in the day.

SWEET SUGAR
A girl’s heart changes with the seasons, Jimmy. Maybe, deep down inside, I just need the right man to
teach me right and wrong.

KNUCKLES
We good? Cuz Miss Sugar has a lunch appointment, and we ain’t gonna miss it.

STEELE
We’re good. Just don’t leave town, Sugar.

SWEET SUGAR & KNUCKLES exit, with SWEET SUGAR playfully flirting to
Nightshade as she goes.

BIG MO
Detective Nightshade, just so we’re clear … if you ever start going after Sweet Sugar Sloane, I just may
have to pound you into a brick wall.

NIGHTSHADE
I have no intention, Mo.

BIG MO
Besides … that Knuckles. Ugh. In my experience, thugs talk toughest when they have the weakest
punches. Which is why I like my sparkles and sunshine.

STEELE
(to the students)
So, Sweet Sugar Sloane recently had a sudden inflow of cash, and she likes rubbing it in our nose. That’s
a good sign that she’s in on it.

DITHERS
I took the initiative, and here comes … Quick Talk Malone … and a receipt for coconut oil — no wait!
Ha! That’s for me and my feet! My bad. It’s Quick Talk … and … ZigZag.

QUICK TALK & ZIGZAG come to the center, ready to be questioned.

QUICK TALK
Well, Nightshade & Steele. Word on the Street is you’re broke, so how you gonna afford this fine
educational establishment. And what’s going to become of the poor Detectives of the future without you
good, fine, upstanding, brilliant sleuths to show them the way to truth and all that?

Page 11 of 36
ZIGZAG
Yeah. What my boss said.

STEELE
Five words all at once? You’re mighty eloquent today, Zig.

QUICK TALK
The way I figure, is that I talk enough for two, what with my charms and quick wit and all. So when
looking to hire a number two with … shall we say … specific, yet never specifically mentioned skills, I
went for a nose tweaker more than a mouthy, verbose bumbler with note cards.

ZIGZAG
Yeah. Nose tweaker.

NIGHTSHADE
So how’d you learn about our alleged financial issues, Quick?

QUICK TALK
Oh, you know. Shady characters meeting on street corners. Little birds chirpin’ this ’n that. Secret
messages passed around the jazz club. All I know, is that it would be such a tragedy if the Nightshade/
Steel team fell apart because of financial troubles. Just imagine all the rotten things rotten folks would
get away with if you weren’t here to stop them.

ZIGZAG
Not really sad.

QUICK TALK
Well, this has been enlightening, but I think Ziggy and I gotta be off.

QUICK TALK & ZIGZAG exit.

NIGHTSHADE
(to students)
No mention of money, there. But did you see that Quick Talk was just a little too excited at the idea that
money problems could shut us down? As if that was the purpose all along?

BIG MO
And here comes Thunder Jones and Hot Sauce.

THUNDER & HOT SAUCE come to be questioned.

THUNDER
So, how we gonna play this, detectives. You know if you push me, I push back. Everyone just ends up
with sore muscles. Or do we just say: you two are in a hot mess and I don’t care?

HOT SAUCE
How do you like your humiliation, Steele? Spicy or Red Hot?

STEELE
I figure I have enough salt and vinegar, so I don’t really notice the heat.

Page 12 of 36
THUNDER
Oh, Steele’s talking big now. But how’s it gonna be when the case starts getting cold? How long before
Nightshade and Steele start turning and blaming each other?

NIGHTSHADE
You think we’re two-timers, like you Thunder?

THUNDER
Everyone’s ready to stab their friend in the back, Nightshade. Some people accept it, and some pretend it
ain’t so.

HOT SAUCE
But once the heat turns on, it’s fun to watch the mighty set each other on fire.

THUNDER
Good talking to you two. I look forward to watching the whole Nightshade & Steele thing crumble and
fall.

THUNDER & HOT SAUCE exit.

STEELE
(to students)
Did you see it? Thunder Jones let us know what it’s all about — getting us to turn on each other just like
he two-times everyone he’s ever known.

Song: “Nightshade & Steele” reprise

ALL
Bad Guys all around us, cocky and smug
Each one’s got motive, and each has a thug
They’re cheering! They’re laughing! With smirks on their mugs!

Sugar’s rich now, feeling highbrow, money somehow

Quick Talk’s scheming, smile gleaming, no redeeming
Thunder’s gloating while he’s noting then promoting that we’ll turn on ourselves

Not while we’re Nightshade and Steele

End Song

Page 13 of 36
 SCENE 4
Nightshade’s Story

BECKETT
I noticed the suspects all had strong feelings about you, Detectives.

CASEY
Yeah. Like it wasn’t about money, it was personal.

BECKETT
They made it sound like you’ve run into each other in the past. What happened?

NIGHTSHADE
(monologuing)
Sugar Sloane and I go back a dozen years, all the way back to a rainy Thursday afternoon back in ’04. I
was young then, and hadn’t yet realized how cruel beauty could be.

MEMORY NIGHTSHADE enters, flipping through pages in a file folder.

CASEY
(Amazed as he sees MEMORY NIGHTSHADE)
Detective. It’s you! But younger. And really good looking!

NIGHTSHADE
That’s how it is, Miss Casey. The world beats you down, wears you away. But in your memories, you’re
always perfection.

BIG MO
Go on, Dithers. Help Nightshade tell the story.

DITHERS joins MEMORY NIGHTSHADE, handing him more files to browse

through.

NIGHTSHADE
I had just hired a brand new assistant. Dithers, he called himself. It was first day on the job, when she
walked in the door.

SWEET SUGAR enters the memory.

SWEET SUGAR
Detective Nightshade? I need your help.

DITHERS
Sir … I know I’m new to all this, but this gal looks like trouble to me.

NIGHTSHADE
Oh, she was trouble all right. But I always liked trouble. If life was a cup of hot cocoa, then trouble was
the cream and the sugar.

MEMORY NIGHTSHADE

Page 14 of 36
 Call me Jimmy. And you are Miss …

SWEET SUGAR
Miss Sloane. But you can call me Sugar.

MEMORY NIGHTSHADE
What seems to be the problem, Sugar?

STEELE
(interrupting the story
You were on first name basis with Sugar Sloane that fast? Nightshade! Where’s your dignity?

NIGHTSHADE
Are you going to let me tell the story or what?

STEELE
Just saying that maybe you shouldn’t lose your wits the instant a pretty lady shows up.

NIGHTSHADE
(back to monologuing)
That was a lesson I was about to learn sooner than later. The dame gave me her sob story, and I was
nabbed: hook, line, and sinker. Just like a chicken acting like a lake trout.

SWEET SUGAR
Detective Nightshade … Jimmy … I’ve been robbed. Of everything. I don’t know what to do!

DITHERS
Tell us everything, and we’ll get right on the case, Miss Sloane.

NIGHTSHADE
She was just a sweet, innocent girl, she said. Working in the library. Volunteering in the soup kitchens.
That sort of thing. And she had been approached by a couple that said they’d make all her dreams come
true. Just give them her life savings, and they’d double it in a week.

DITHERS
Oh … I can’t stand cons preying on the pure-hearted.

MEMORY NIGHTSHADE
Just tell me who they are, and I promise I’ll find them and get your money back.

NIGHTSHADE
She gave me everything I needed to know. Names. Their favorite Diners. Descriptions. And just one day
later, Dithers and I found them dining out at the most expensive restaurant in town.

KNUCKLES, posing as a wealthy woman, sits down with RICH MAN, and
they look over menus.

DITHERS
Look at that, boss! Pearls! Diamonds! These people are getting rich off poor folks like Miss Sloane.

NIGHTSHADE

Page 15 of 36
 Dithers and I nabbed them right there. And I don’t mind saying, we were a little rough.

SWEET SUGAR enters, acting timid.

MEMORY NIGHTSHADE
You two got a choice now. You can either give back what you took to Miss Sloane, or I can take you in to
the cops.

KNUCKLES
No! Not the cops! We’ll do anything!

RICH MAN
Wait! What are you saying, Petunia?

KNUCKLES
Here! Take my diamonds. My pearls. Everything. She can have it all. Just don’t take us to the cops!

KNUCKLES gives it all to MEMORY NIGHTSHADE, then runs off. RICH

MAN is too stunned to do anything. DITHERS inspects all the jewels, writing
down information about them, and then passes them on to SWEET SUGAR.

NIGHTSHADE
I figured the jewels were worth more than what Miss Sloane had given them, but it felt right to punish
the two crooks.

SWEET SUGAR
Thank you so much, Jimmy Nightshade. I’ll never forget you.

SWEET SUGAR backs away, changing from her innocent act and revealing
her true, devious nature. KNUCKLES enters, joining SWEET SUGAR.

KNUCKLES
No. We’ll never forget you. It’s not everyday you get to fool the great Detective Nightshade.

DITHERS
Wait! I’m confused.

(to Rich Man)

Didn’t you steal Miss Sloane’s life savings?

RICH MAN
No! But you just handed them about a million dollars of my family’s jewelry!

NIGHTSHADE
Dithers and I tried to get it back quick. But let’s just say, we learned fast that Sweet Sugar Sloane’s
partner wasn’t all pink, dainty frills.

MEMORY NIGHTSHADE & DITHERS rush SWEET SUGAR & KNUCKLES,

but KNUCKLES punches them both in the nose and knocks them down.

KNUCKLES

Page 16 of 36
 That’s why they call me “Knuckles,” boys.

SWEET SUGAR
(blowing MEMORY NIGHTSHADE a kiss)
Goodbye, Jimmy Nightshade.

SWEET SUGAR & KNUCKLES exit, laughing and gloating over their jewels.
RICH MAN & MEMORY NIGHTSHADE return to Ensemble, and Dithers
exits the memory as well.

DITHERS
(rubbing his nose)
I can still feel where she punched me. All these years later, and it still doesn’t feel right.

CASEY
(stunned that her hero was tricked)
Sugar Sloane completely fooled you! I can’t believe it.

NIGHTSHADE
Believe it, kid. It took months to track her down. I was able to put her in jail eventually, but I was never
able to recover the jewels. It was a hard lesson to learn.

BECKETT
What lesson is that?

NIGHTSHADE
That the world likes to think brilliant Detectives like me are perfect. That we know everything, and that
we don’t make mistakes. But the truth is something else …

Song: “The Fedora is All that They See”

BOYS
When those clients walk in, wherever they’ve been
In one glance, they’ll decide
You’re the guy that they need, the one without greed
That you can be relied

On to take on their case, to trust completely

All they want is a guide, a guy on their side
The fedora is all that they see

They expect that you’ll know just right where to go

To find the first clue
They assume that your eyes will see right through the lies
That are there to confuse

They won’t know if you’re lost — of your inadequacy

All they want is a guide, a guy on their side
The fedora is all that they see

Page 17 of 36
 So you put on an air, that you’re smart, debonair
And infallible
That when danger comes near, you’re immune to all fear
And unflappable

Gotta be what they hope, gotta fill all their dreams

Be that all-perfect guide, the guy on their side
Cuz the fedora is all that they see

End Song

Page 18 of 36
 SCENE 5
Steele’s Story

CASEY
Well that tells us all about Sweet Sugar Sloane, but what about the others?

BECKETT
Thunder & Quick Talk seemed to dislike you both just as much.

BIG MO
You’re right, they don’t like us. But really, Thunder & Quick Talk don’t have much to do with
Nightshade.

STEELE
This … this is our story … me and Big Mo.

MEMORY STEELE enters, and BIG MO joins the memory. As MEMORY

STEELE works on paperwork, BIG MO pulls SPIT SPOT into the scene.

STEELE
(continued, now monologuing)
And it began as it usually did … with me doing the paperwork and Big Mo trying to add a little
sunshine to the life of a hardened criminal.

BIG MO
So you’re going to have a lot of free time in jail these next few years.

SPIT SPOT
Or … you could just let me go.

BIG MO
(threatening SPIT SPOT)
Don’t mess with me, Spit!

(calming down and returning to her bubbly, cheerful self )

The point is, you’ll need something to keep you busy or else you’re just going to wither away with
gloomy thinking. So I got you some crayons and a nice fairy coloring book. How does that sound!

LIEUTENANT enters.

LIEUTENANT
So, Spit Spot is finally going to jail?

MEMORY STEELE
He’s all yours. I’m just finishing up the evidence file now … should be a pretty tight case.

LIEUTENANT
(suddenly looking anxious)
I just hope it’s tight enough.

MEMORY STEELE

Page 19 of 36
 What do you mean? All the cases I hand you are in perfect order.

LIEUTENANT
They are … but guys are getting released anyway. I don’t know, Arcadia. Something fishy’s going on. It’s
almost like a few cops and judges are on the payroll of … somebody else.

LIEUTENANT takes SPIT SPOT away, as BIG MO & MEMORY STEELE look
at each other, perplexed.

STEELE
Corrupt Cops and Two-faced Judges … those were exactly the kind of men that I had problems with.
But I knew that going after them wouldn’t put an end to it. The only way to kill a snake is to cut off the
head. Which meant that I had to find who was doing the bribing.

BIG MO & MEMORY STEELE flip through various financial records as they
try to figure out what is going on.

MEMORY STEELE
Look … everyone of these guys is getting gobs of money from … Quick Thunder Financial Services.
What do you make of that?

BIG MO
I think we need to check out what kind of “Financial Services” Quick Thunder is providing.

STEELE
So we went downtown, to check it out. And it was there that we met Quick Talk Malone and Thunder
Jones for the very first time. I had Big Mo stay back, just to keep watch over what was going on.

QUICK TALK is managing the front desk, while THUNDER lounges on a

chair nearby.

QUICK TALK
Welcome to Quick Thunder financial services, Miss. We got everything you could possibly want. A loan
for some nice pearls? Maybe an advance for some pretty clothes. Whatever you need.

STEELE
They took one look at me and assumed I was a ditzy girl who only cared about the latest style. Well, I
decided to play the part … just to see where it went.

MEMORY STEELE
(with exaggerated, mock sadness)
I just don’t know if I can be beautiful on my budget.

THUNDER
We’re all about helping the unfortunate, Miss. As long as you plan to pay us back, that is.

MEMORY STEELE
Of course!

QUICK TALK

Page 20 of 36
 Well let me take care of everything, then. A few thousand should be good. Now make sure you buy your
accessories at Harley’s Fine Apparel. And be on your way, Miss.

THUNDER
First payment’s due next week.

STEELE
It didn’t take even ten minutes to figure out that this was just an elaborate scam … designed to prey on
the the desperate and shallow. But what did it have to do with the cops? Big Mo and I decided to stake
out the joint.

While MEMORY STEELE & BIG MO secretly watch, HOT SAUCE &
ZIGZAG enter, pushing around some victims.

BIG MO
Check out these two characters. I’ve been watching them all day … they’re the enforcers.

MEMORY STEELE
Rounding up everyone that owes them money but can’t pay.

BIG MO
And … here come the cops …

Two COPS enter. They take away the people that were being shoved around,
then take money from ZIGZAG & HOT SAUCE.

STEELE
We watched all day, and by the end we knew exactly what was going on. Quick Talk and Thunder would
lend money that couldn’t be paid back, and their goons would turn the victims into the cops they were
bribing. Then, while their victims were in jail, their goons would rob them blind. But Big Mo and I had
a plan.

BIG MO
Remember, Steele, I’m here watching your back in case anything goes south.

MEMORY STEELE
Just be ready for when they try to run. Cuz everyone tries to run, Big Mo.

MEMORY STEELE approaches HOT SAUCE & ZIGZAG, exaggerated

weeping.

MEMORY STEELE
Oh! I’m in such trouble! My boyfriend dumped me, and I’ll never be able to pay everything back!

HOT SAUCE
Well, that’s unfortunate, Miss. But as much as we want to shed some single tears on your behalf, our
bosses still need to be repaid.

ZIGZAG
Yeah. Repaid.

Page 21 of 36
HOT SAUCE
And if you can’t repay … then you’re in breach of contract. Zig! Get the cops!

ZIGZAG
Cops!

MEMORY STEELE
(crying hysterically)
No! Won’t someone have mercy on a poor, helpless girl!

QUICK TALK & THUNDER come into the scene, checking out what all the
commotion is about.

THUNDER
Hot Sauce! ZigZag! Can’t you keep this gal in line?

QUICK TALK
We have business to deal with, and we can’t even hear ourselves think.

MEMORY STEELE
But I need help! I can’t pay you back!

Two COPS enter again, again taking bribes from HOT SAUCE & ZIGZAG.

QUICK TALK
Don’t worry, Miss. While you’re in jail, we’ll just sweep through your home and take what is necessary to
pay us back.

THUNDER
I’m sure it will all work out.

STEELE
And that was the moment I had been waiting for. I had their admission, and it was time to stop playing
the part of the dumb girl in over her head.

MEMORY STEELE suddenly slaps handcuffs on THUNDER & QUICK TALK.

ZIGZAG & HOT SAUCE try to run away, but BIG MO catches them.

MEMORY STEELE
(to the COPS)
And don’t you two go anywhere, either. I got you for accepting bribes.

BIG MO
Sorry, everyone. But you just admitted your entire scheme to Detective Arcadia Steele, PI.

THUNDER
(with mock innocence)
But I had no idea what was going on! It was all Quick Talk’s scheme. I was just the silent partner!

QUICK TALK
Thunder Jones, you two-timing, double-crossing, no good liar! This whole scheme was your idea!

Page 22 of 36
 BIG MO shoves the QUICK TALK, THUNDER, ZIGZAG, & HOT SAUCE off
stage. COPS & MEMORY STEELE return to ENSEMBLE.

STEELE
And that was my first encounter with Quick Talk Malone, Thunder Jones, and their goons. I still love
how I was able to trick them hook … line … and sinker!

Song: “Just Any Day”

When you’re in the kind of story

Where there’s bad guys out for glory
They’ll just take one look at you and see a silly girl
If you want, you can believe ’em
But I’d rather just deceive ‘em
Play the small-town gal whose head is all a-whirl

And right when they think they got you

Then you bid the naive act adieu
Break their minds in half, their prejudice away
Show off all they ways you caught ‘em
All the ways you just out-thought ‘em
Proving girls can win this game just any day!

If you underestimate me
I can promise, you will hate me
Cuz I’ll take your plans and make those suckers drop
When it comes to catching villains
I’ve been making quite the killin’
With rewards from turning thugs in to the cops

So go ahead, try to outwit me

Cuz I know that you are guilty
And these clues you drop are just a give-away
I got justice backin’ my side
Neither one of us will be denied
And girls can win this game just any day

So look out world, we are coming

Sassy, smart, and also cunning
And we’re itchin’ now to lock the thugs away

We’ll be arresting — We’ll be arresting

We’ll be catching — We’ll be snatching
Evidence and suspects matching
Apprehending, then dispatching
Proving girls can win this game just any day

End Song

Page 23 of 36
 SCENE 6
The Villains Plot

THUNDER
I wish you wouldn’t show off all your expensive things, Sugar.

HOT SAUCE
It makes Nightshade and Steele pay too much attention.

SWEET SUGAR
What’s the point of stealing their money if we don’t show it off. Rub it in their faces a bit.

KNUCKLES
Besides, Sugar likes attention. Lots and lots and lots of attention.

QUICK TALK
Plus, Thunder, you have to consider your reputation. Your fame and celebrity for double-crossing your
partners. Two-timin’ Thunder Jones? It pays to have a little leverage with you. I learned that the hard
way.

ZIGZAG
Yeah. The hard way.

THUNDER
Whatever. If you two don’t like me, why’d you bring me on board?

QUICK TALK
Because of that. I get too hyper, and I have way too much to say about this ’n that ’n that ’n this and
everything in between. And Sugar gets distracted by certain Sleuthing eye candy. But you’re good at just
sitting in the chair, shrugging like it don’t matter, and saying “whatever.”

SWEET SUGAR
It helps that you want to get back at them just as much as we do.

THUNDER
May Nightshade and Steele get blasted to Mars.

SWEET SUGAR & QUICK TALK

(together)
Amen!

The Villains continue talking, but shift to the background as their Henchmen
become the focal point of the scene.

KNUCKLES
So, what are you going to do with your share of the money?

HOT SAUCE
I’m thinking of retiring actually, maybe starting a little ice cream shop down in Cancun. A little deep
freeze to my spicy ways.

Page 24 of 36
ZIGZAG
Ha! Spicy.

KNUCKLES
I like it. I’m thinking of opening up a day spa — people come to relax, get a massage, get a manicure.

HOT SAUCE
But you are still gonna hit people, right?

KNUCKLES
Of course! I’m not retiring, I’m still gonna be Sugar’s body guard. But this way I can keep my nails
looking good while I do it.

ZIGZAG
Looking good.

HOT SAUCE
How about you, Zig?

KNUCKLES
You got any plans?

As ZIGZAG begins his monologue, both HOT SAUCE & KNUCKLES are
stunned. After a bit, the VILLAINS notice what’s going on and start getting
closer, unable to believe what they are hearing.

ZIGZAG
Okay … so this might sound a little crazy, but I’ve been thinking about it for about ten years, and what I
really want to do is open up the world’s greatest donut shop. Cuz if you think about it, there are way too
many people out there who haven’t had anything besides a WalMart donut … and those are rated a 1 on
my 1-to-5 donut scale, which means that they aren’t even worth eating if someone else was dumb
enough to buy them. And then you get all these rated 2 donuts — fine, you’ll eat them if nothing else is
available, but you sure as heck shouldn’t be buying them. We’re talking most grocery chains here. And so
most people, if they’re lucky, have only experienced a level 3 donut … finally one worth buying, but
hardly great. The Dairy Queen french fries of the donut world, if you will. What I want is to bring the
level-5 perfection to the world. The Bowman’s quality donut. The Tasty’s quality donut. But bring that
quality to North Dakota. To the coal miners of West Virginia. To the poor people stuck living along the
interstate towns in New Jersey, because more than anyone else, these kind of people deserve to have a
little sunshine in their life, and I call that sunshine the perfect, level 5 donut. So that’s the dream!

VILLAINS & HENCHMEN all applaud … and if necessary get the audience to
applaud and cheer for ZIGZAG’S stunning speech.

QUICK TALK
Zig! I’ve never heard you say so many words at once in your life!

SWEET SUGAR
I don’t think I’ve heard him say that many words total in ten years.

ZIGZAG

Page 25 of 36
 (back to his normal self )
Yeah. Words.

THUNDER
I just like that you have a dream, Zig. Cuz we need dreams. My own is pretty simple.

KNUCKLES
What is your dream, Thunder?

HOT SAUCE
Oh, I know exactly what it is.

THUNDER
Stick it to Nightshade and Steele for the ten years we all just spent in prison.

QUICK TALK
That’s a dream I can believe in!

SWEET SUGAR
Me too. And the more Nightshade wants me when he falls, the more fun it will be to stab him in the
back.

Song: “Villain Fever”

VILLAINS & HENCHMEN

We’ll never get those last ten years back
Living in an dirty cell
All those days the sun was shining
We were stuck and rotting there in jail

Villain Fever!
A kind of nasty, with angry little bits of gray
Fever!
Those detectives—we’re gonna have to make them pay

Oh!
Steele is so high and mighty
Thinkin’ she’s all smart and tough
And Nightshade’s such a sucker
About as scary as a powder puff

Villain Fever!
We’re gonna make those stupid goody-goodies bleed
Fever!
Toss ‘em out like dried up drifting tumbleweeds

So now that they got no money

What they gonna do for cash?
We’re gonna see them fall apart now
That detective school is gonna crash

Page 26 of 36
 Villain Fever!
It feels so good to be sinister and reprobate
Fever!
We’re the bad guys, and we are gonna dominate

We got that Villain Fever, now.

We got that Villain Fever, now.
We got that Villain Fever, now.
We got that Villain Fever, now.

End Song

Page 27 of 36
 SCENE 7
Solving the Case

CASEY
So … we know who our suspects are.

BECKETT
We know why they probably did it.

CASEY
What’s next?

STEELE
That’s simple … now it’s time to look for evidence.

NIGHTSHADE
Our suspect list helps us know where to start looking … now let’s see if the facts back up our theory.

BECKETT
What are we looking for?

DITHERS
Fingerprints. Bits of clothing or paper. A bit of hair. Receipts. Bank statements.

BIG MO
Anything at that can verify what happened and who did it.

YORK 1 & DYRENG 1 approach Nightshade & Steele, cautious, yet excited.

YORK 1
This looks like it came from Miss Sloane’s shawl!

STEELE
Perfect! Show it to Dithers and he’ll put it in the evidence catalogue.

DYRENG 1
Detectives! Over here … it looks like a footprint was left.

NIGHTSHADE
To Dithers! Now everyone … search the school.

CASEY
Get security camera footage!

BECKETT
Canvas the area! Talk to anyone who could be a witness.

All the STUDENTS begin searching all over the stage. They even go out into
the audience, searching around chairs, interrogating audience members like
they are possible witnesses, etc.

Page 28 of 36
DITHERS
It’s so exciting to write stuff down! This is what life is all about!

BIG MO
And the more you write, the closer I get to some shiny head-clonking!

STUDENT 1
Fingerprints!

STUDENT 2
Scuff marks at the safe!

STUDENT 3
Security footage!

STUDENT 4
Witnesses who saw the suspects last night!

YORK 2
Interesting things in our suspects’ bank records!

Everyone pauses, waiting to see if NIGHTSHADE can figure out the “mystery”
of the twins.

NIGHTSHADE
Wait! How’d you get that while you were there with Dithers?

DYRENG 2
Guess who used their credit card at the diner across the street.

NIGHTSHADE
And you! How’s you talk to them when you were cataloguing evidence?

STEELE
You haven’t figured it out yet, Nightshade?

NIGHTSHADE
I’m so confused!

STUDENT GROUP 1
(together)
More fingerprints!

STUDENT GROUP 2
Traffic cam footage!

STUDENT GROUP 3
More witnesses!

STUDENT GROUP 4
Stack of stolen cash!

Page 29 of 36
CASEY
And here’s the smoking gun. Beckett and I found it together.

BECKETT
It’s written in code. But we deciphered it.

CASEY
It’s their plan. And signed by none other than: Sugar, Quick Talk, Thunder, ZigZag, Knuckles, & Hot
Sauce.

BECKET
We got ‘em!

Everyone cheers.

STEELE
Mo … let’s go get us some bad guys!

BIG MO
This is my favorite part!

BIG MO & STEELE exit.

NIGHTSHADE
And that, white hats, is how it feels to solve a case. It’s like Lady Luck herself comes down and plants a
wet one right there because you saw where the the angels landed.

BECKETT
What does that mean?

NIGHTSHADE
I don’t know! Are you Steele, now?

BECKETT
Someone has to do her job when she’s not here.

CASEY
What if we just say it a little differently … say … Fortune favors the Brave?

BECKETT
I love it. But Gray Hats! We’ve solved our share of cases before. Let’s let the White Hats have their
moment to shine.

Song: “Fortune Favors the Brave”

WHITE HATS
Oh, Oh
Fortune favors the brave
Oh, Oh
Fortune favors the brave

Page 30 of 36
We’re gonna sweep to jail the villains of the town
From Broadway down to 10th street, those thugs are going down

The more we try, the more we solve

The more we come to learn
The more secret, hidden clues we find
The more evil plots we’ll burn

Oh, oh
Fortune favors the brave

It's all worked out, the road is clear

We feel our detective minds extend
Way beyond our wildest dreams
Toward a great triumphant end

We seize the day, we turned the tide

We touched the stars, we mocked the grave
We moved into uncharted lands
Fortune favors the brave

The more we try, the more we solve

The more we come to learn
The more secret, hidden clues we find
The more evil plots we’ll burn

Nothing is an accident, we are free to have it all

We are what we want to be. It’s in ourselves to rise or fall.

This is easy to believe when puzzling cases call to me

To be the hero that we crave

Fortune favors the brave

Oh, oh
Fortune favors the brave
Oh, oh
Fortune favors the brave

Page 31 of 36
 SCENE 8
Locking them Away

BIG MO & STEELE enter, leading the VILLAINS and HENCHMEN in.

BIG MO
We’re back! And we have some friends.

STEELE
Dithers! Go call the police. Tell them that they let a half-dozen rotten apples fall out of their basket, but
we’ve gathered them all up.

DITHERS
Done!

NIGHTSHADE
So your little scheme lasted … what? … one day?

SWEET SUGAR
But Nightshade, you wouldn’t send me back to that awful jail, would you? I thought we had something
special between us.

NIGHTSHADE
Sugar, there ain’t ever gonna be nothing between the two us. Except prison bars.

DITHERS
And those’ll always be between the two of you!

QUICK TALK
How could I lose to you, Steele? Again!

STEELE
It’s just what happens when you go up agains someone so much smarter than you, Quick Talk!

THUNDER
I just want to point out, that I had nothing to do with this robbery. I explicitly told Quick Talk that I
wasn’t going to be part of any of his ideas unless it was legit.

QUICK TALK
Thunder! You two-timing, double-crossing, no-good liar! Again!

BIG MO
Save it, Thunder. See that pile of evidence over there … there’s plenty on you.

SWEET SUGAR, QUICK TALK, & THUNDER all sit, pouting, angry with
each other, waiting for the police to come.

HOT SAUCE
But what about us? We’re just the employees!

KNUCKLES

Page 32 of 36
 Do you throw the burger flipper in jail when the restaurant manager’s the crook?

ZIGZAG
Yeah. Burger Flipper.

NIGHTSHADE
Save it for the judge.

HOT SAUCE, KNUCKLES, & ZIGZAG all sit down, also pouting and waiting
for the cops.

BECKETT
Detective Nightshade? I think I’m even more impressed with you. If that is even possible.

CASEY
Not only is the case solved, but all of us learned so much.

NIGHTSHADE
Just another day in the office. Just like streetlights glow in dark alleys, filled with rain drowning out
sorrows and ennui, we solve cases and pass them on to the next generation of detectives.

STEELE
Seriously? What did that even mean?

NIGHTSHADE
I don’t know what it means!

LIEUTENANT enters, ready to take away the VILLAINS & HENCHMEN.

STEELE
Before you go, Lieutenant, we have all the evidence and paperwork ready for you.

LIEUTENANT
You’re the best, Steele.

NIGHTSHADE
What about me?

LIEUTENANT
You too.

YORK & DYRENG twins gather the evidence and paperwork and bring them
to the LIEUTENANT. NIGHTSHADE, seeing that they are twins, is stunned.

NIGHTSHADE
Wait! There’s two of you! And two of you! That’s what’s been going on! Steele! They’re twins!

STEELE
Of course they are, Nightshade. What did you think was going on?

NIGHTSHADE

Page 33 of 36
 Well, the most likely thing I had figured was that aliens were secretly beaming them all over the place,
just to mess with me.

STEELE
Aliens? Seriously? You’re a world famous detective, and the first and only thing you could imagine was it
was aliens?

NIGHTSHADE
What else could it be?

STEELE
It could be twins. It’s literally the most obvious possibility.

CASEY
Anyone could have figured that out, detective. I don’t know what you see in him.

BECKETT
He thinks out of the box. And he’s just so dreamy.

STEELE
Lieutenant. Go ahead and take our suspects. Our students will bring everything else down.

LIEUTENANT leads the VILLAINS & HENCHMEN away, while YORKS &
DYRENGS follow, with all the evidence.

BIG MO
Another case cracked!

DITHERS
Which means it’s time to get back to … the guacamole incident!

DITHERS starts shuffling through his cards again, looking for the details.

BIG MO
(shuddering at the memory)
We’re all trying to forget the guacamole incident. I still can’t eat nachos after that.

DITHERS
But it broke the case wide open.

BIG MO
(grabbing Nightshade’s Assistant, and using him as prop)
Well … sort of. It helped that I was able grab that little twerp, twirl him in the air like a sack of potatoes,
and then pin him against the wall until he cried.

DITHERS
But that never happens without the guacamole.

STEELE
Another time, Dithers.

Page 34 of 36
NIGHTSHADE
It’s been a long day. And it’s time to say goodbye.

BECKETT
Goodbye to the crooks.

CASEY
Goodbye to the first day of school.

STEELE
And Goodbye to our story …

Song: “Goodbye”

ALL
It’s my happy ending, now it’s time to say goodnight.
We can stop pretending, tell the spotlight man turn off my light.
Cause the show is done now, and it’s time to leave the stage.
The good guy won now and the band has no more songs to play.
It’s a happy ending so I’ll say.

Goodbye, Goodbye to all the make-believe.

Goodbye … there’s no more magic up my sleeve.
There’s nothing left to act up here,
I’ll take my bow and disappear.
No questions left for answering.
There’s only one word left to sing, Goodbye.

It’s a happy ending, to the greatest show on earth.

Now the curtains descending and I hope you got your money’s worth.
Gonna stop the show now cause I wanna leave on top.
So get up and go now. Cause there’s nothing left inside my head.
Everything that’s left to says been said

Goodbye, Goodbye to all the song and dance.

Goodbye … off stage I stand a better chance.
The show is through the part’s been played.
No standing in the wings afraid.
No violins or phony tears.
The word that’s music to my ears is goodbye.
Well goodbye, Goodbye, GOODBYE!!

I’m not afraid of stopping, this end could be my start.

I wanna live a life and not just play a part.
I’ll walk into the sunset, I’ll sail across the sea,
The final word the last you’ll hear of me, Of me…

Is goodbye! Goodbye to every night alone.

Goodbye … goodbye to lives I don’t own.

Page 35 of 36
I’m tired of living on the stage.
A life that’s only on the page.
Empty lies are in the past,

I’ve tried before but here’s the last goodbye.

Now goodbye, Goodbye, GOODBYE!!!!

Page 36 of 36