Goldilocks and the Three Bears 0

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

by
ROMA TOMELTY

Characters:
Goldilocks
John (Prince Joringel)
Daddy Bear
Mummy Bear
Baby Bear
Wanda The Wasp
The Nerd

Doubles:
John/The Nerd

Copyright © Roma Tomelty 2001

11 Hopefield Avenue
Belfast BT15 5AP
Northern Ireland
United Kingdom
Tel: +44 (0)28 9077 8099
Fax: +44 (0)28 9028 3749
Email: romatomelty@hotmail.com.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 1
(ENTER PRINCE JOHN CARRYING BEE-KEEPING GEAR!)
John (SINGING) Oh, what a beautiful Morning! (SEES AUDIENCE) Oh hello Boys and Girls. How
very nice to see you. I was in a world of my own just now. I didn't think there would
be anyone else up this early. Gosh. You are good, no slouches. That's what I like. Get
up and get on with it. Got all your Christmas shopping finished too, I'll bet. Have
you? Everyone bought all their Christmas presents? I know one person who is very
busy getting Christmas presents. Know who I mean? Yes, Santa! Santa has to be up
very early to get all those presents delivered in time. What a guy! Oh, I'm so sorry. I
forgot to introduce myself. My name is John. Yes, plain honest John. Any of you
called John? (COAX AUDIENCE) Well, I'm up early because I have some very important
friends to look after. Can you guess who they are? I'll give you a clue. They buzz.
(MIMES BEE) Yes. You got it in one. They are bees. Busy, busy, bumble bees. And they
are very busy working. Do you know what bees make? Yes. Honey. Gosh, you are
clever. Bees make honey and honey is sweet and so good for you. Bee keeping is my
hobby. I expect some of you have hobbies. Do you? Yes. I bet some of you have pets
too, don't you? Well, some people keep dogs and cats and rabbits and pigeons but I
keep bees. And do you know where bees live? Yes in a hive. I have a special secret
garden for my bee- hive, I have to have that because my bees are… Can you keep a
secret, Boys and Girls? Oh course you can, my bees are magic! They make the best
honey in the world. So good, that someone very special has to have it on his breakfast
toast! Do you know who I mean - Yes. Santa! And can you imagine what would
happen if Santa didn't have a proper breakfast on Christmas Eve? I can't. I dread to
think. That's where I'm going now to see my bees. And because you are all so sweet
and charming - especially you…and you…but I'm not so sure about you (POINTING TO
AUDIENCE) I'm going to take you with me. I've got my special hat here. (STARTS TO PUT IT
ON) It's to keep the bees from stinging. Oh they like me and I don't think they'll sting
me - it's really just a precaution. One should always be careful, try to play safe - isn't
that right boys and girls? Yes. I know this hat is a bit strange but it's me underneath
and I'm really friendly. (STARTS TO PUT ON HAT)
(ENTER GOLDILOCKS BACKWARDS BUMPS INTO JOHN. SEES HAT SCREAMS RUNS OFF IN PANIC.)
John Hey, It's alright! Come back. I didn't mean to frighten you.
Gold (OFF) Not a chance! You're a monster! Hideous! Ugh!
John Please, I won’t hurt you.
(GOLDILOCKS ENTERS TIMIDLY.)
Gold Oh, you're a man. And a very ordinary man too, if you don’t mind me saying so. Why
are you trying to frighten people by wearing that ridiculous hat.
John I'm not trying to frighten you and it is not a ridiculous hat – if you knew what it is for!
Gold Well, I don’t really care what's it for, and if you wouldn’t mind getting out of my way.
I've a great deal to do today.
John Who are you?
Gold Mind your own business. Who are you anyway?
John If you must know, my name is John.
Gold Very dull! John indeed. Too plain!
John I'm sorry it offends your highness. But you are not going anywhere until you tell me
and the boys and girls your name.
Gold Oh, how nice! Boys and girls. I didn't see you. Oh I wish I could stay and talk to you
but I really have to be on my way. Perhaps we'll meet again soon. So bye-bye and have
a very happy Christmas. (SHE STARTS TO GO)
John I don’t think you heard me. You are not going anywhere until you tell us your name.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 2
(SHE TRIES TO DODGE PAST HIM. BIZZO)
John Who are you?
Gold Isn't it obvious?
John Not to me.
Gold Well, I'm sure it is to the boys and girls. Can you guess my name? (COAX AUDIENCE)
Yes, that's right. Goldilocks. (TO JOHN) Get it? Now get out of my way.
John There's no need to be so bossy.
Gold I'm not being bossy. I'm being assertive!
John Assertive? I'm not sure I know what that means. Do you, boys and girls?
Gold It means positive. Insisting upon your rights… I think. You see, all the magazines and
the style gurus all tell you. Grab it! Be assertive! Help yourself! No gain without pain!
If you want to get on in life you have to be assertive.
John I'm all for standing for your rights but I wouldn't believe a word you read in those
magazines. They are all drivel, if you ask me.
Gold Well, I'm not asking you and I'm telling you, if you had been on Big Brother, you
would have been the first to be evicted! I've left school and run away from my Granny
and I'm off to see the world and seek my fortune. I'm going to be rich and famous, I'm
going to wear a beautiful golden dress to go with my beautiful golden hair and I'm
going to marry Prince Joringel. And I'm going to make it all happen in time for
Christmas. You better believe me. I'm going to go for it.
SONG? (GO FOR IT?)
John Well, I agree, but I think you can be assertive and stand up for yourself without being
rude and bossy. Isn't that right boys and girls? Anyway, I'd better be going - got to
look after my bees. I'm sorry I frightened you.
Gold Oh, you're a bee-keeper. I see. Not much future in that. Well, good luck to you
anyway. When I make my fortune you'll be able to say you met me!
John I can't wait! (STARTS TO EXIT) Are you quite sure you want to go on through the forest – I
mean after all, there are bears in the forest.
Gold Bears! I didn't know there were bears…
John Oh yes, and bears can be quite fierce.
Gold Well, I can’t let a few bears stop me from making my fortune. If I met them I shall be
assertive. I shall say “Good day Mr Bear, now out of my way please. I'm very busy”
That should do the trick.
John Oh yes, I'm sure that will be very effective. Also, of course, there is Nosmo The Nerd.
Gold Nosmo, The Nerd?
John Yes, a very unsavoury character indeed. Looks a bit like a large slug maybe…
Gold A large slug?
John Or perhaps more like a large earwig…
Gold A large earwig?
John Well, a large something anyway. Wears an anorak. You'll recognize by that - anyhow I
should think you'll be quite assertive enough to boss him out of your way.
Gold I don’t suppose there is another way round the forest?
John Oh yes, there is of course, but it's a very big forest and it would take at least two weeks
to get round the outside.
Gold Two weeks? Christmas would be (almost) over in two weeks.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 3
John Never mind. A smart girl like you? You'll think of something. I'd offer to take you part
of the way but I'm sure my company would be much too dull, me just being a bee-
keeper and all that. Good-bye, good-bye Boys and Girls, Have a very happy
Christmas…and eat lots of honey. It's very very good for you! Bye. (EXITS)
Gold Oh, boys and girls. Seeking your fortune is very hard and I don’t like the sound of The
Nerd do you? But I couldn't stay stuck in school forever. I'm sure Granny will
understand when I'm rich and famous. I want money, and jewels and a beautiful
golden dress to go with my hair and I want to marry Prince Joringel and I want it all in
time for Christmas. This is going to be the best Christmas of my life. I had thought
about going on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' - but I'm too young. They said you have to
be over twenty-one. Twenty-one! I can't wait 'til then. I tried to buy a lottery ticket but you
have to be over eighteen. I can't even wait for that. I want it all and I want it now! By hook
or by crook - this is going to be my best Christmas ever. Oh, I've been walking for hours.
And I've eaten almost all my food. Let's see. One apple… and my hair-brush. I'd better save
that apple for later. Ooh I want a hamburger! And… a milk shake… and… a piece of
honey cake. That bee bloke was right. Honey is good. I wonder if there is a spring nearby.
At least I could get a drink. Oh it's not fair. I should be drinking Champagne and strawberry
milk-shake and dancing in a palace with the prince in my beautiful golden dress.
(OFFSTAGE WANDA WASP IS SINGING OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.)
Gold Someone's coming. I wonder if they can help me make my fortune.
(ENTER WANDA - FANTASTICAL WASP QUEEN SHE DOESN'T SEE GOLDILOCKS. SHE SOUNDS ALL THE SIBILANTS WHEN SHE SPEAKS)
Wand Oh, such a day, such a day, such a day! What a day for Wanda to wander fast and
loose through silly gardens and sting people. Stip, stip, stingo! Oh, who are you?
Gold Isn't it obvious.
Wand Not at all. You might be Charlie Dimmock for all I know.
Gold Do I look like Charlie Dimmock?
Wand Not really, but you never can tell. Let me guess. You are wearing a very dull dress.
How about your name is Dreary. Dreary! Right?
Gold Wrong! My name is Goldilocks and I'm off to seek my fortune.
Wand What a splendid idea. Rich and famous. You aren't planning to turn into Charlie
Dimmock are you?
Gold What's is all this about Charlie Dimmock.
Wand I have a thing about Charlie Dimmock. I would have a bee in my bonnet about Charlie
Dimmock - if I wasn't a wasp. She uproots gardens. We wasps have just settled in
when it’s in with the digger and a water feature here and a rockery there. 'Snot fair.
Rich and famous huh? Oh, I can see it - Would you like a little help?
Gold What sort of help?
Wand My help.
Gold How can you help? You're a wasp!
Wand So? Just because I'm a wasp doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm magic. I can make
wishes come true.
Gold I don’t believe you.
Wand Make a wish.
Gold I wish I had a strawberry milkshake.
Wand Stip, stip, Stingo! There you are.
Gold I don’t see any milkshake. Do you boys and girls.
Wand Boys and Girls! Why I didn't see you. How nice. Happy Christmas, little people. I
digress. Where was I? Yes. Milkshake. Look in your basket.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 4
Gold There's no point. It's… Oh look boys and girls. A Milkshake. You really are magic.
Wand Told you so. Now, what else did you want?
Gold A golden dress, to go with my golden hair.
Wand Well, that might be a little more difficult. You will have to go to my small little house
to get that. But not to worry, it's not far. Now, go down that path into the clearing and
you'll find it. Go upstairs and in the wardrobe there will be a simply stunning golden
dress - sensational - just like me!.
Gold Oh, thank you. Gosh boys and girls. My luck is changing. At last, I just might be on
my way to making my fortune. I'll come back and show you my dress. Bye for
now…and thank you. You really are most kind. (EXIT GOLDILOCKS)
Wand (LAUGHING) The silly, silly little fool! Little does she suspect. Now, lets look at all the
other silly little sausages. Well, well, well, what a lot of smarmy little sugar-puffs.
Wanda know who I am? I'm Wanda, Wanda the Wasp. And not just any old common
or garden wasp - I'm Wanda, Queen of the Wasps.The Wasp Witch! And I'm on a
mission. I hate gardeners and pest controllers and insecticides and Charlie Dimmock
and most of all I hate bees. Bees make honey. Bees are hard working, Bees are
organised. Bees feature in David Attenborough programmes. Everybody loves bees. I
hate them. Quite near here, is a hive of very special bees… magic bees, who make the
best honey in the world.Honey for Santa's toast! Can you imagine how that makes me
feel? I'm going to stamp them out. Stamp them out. Stip, stip, stingo!. And they will
be seriously subdued. And that stupid little fortune hunter is going to help me. You
see, I can't get near them. They are kept in a garden in a small wee house with very
fierce minders and there's a dotty bee-keeper who looks after them. Stupid looking
geek with a floppy hat. I'm going to destroy them all. I am, I am - Oh yes I am (BIZZO 3
TIMES) Just you wait. If I get close enough. One Stip Stip Stingo and they are gone.
You don’t believe me? You don’t imagine I have a magic sting? Oh yes I do. (BIZZO 3
TIMES) Well, we'll see about that. (SHE SPRAYS WATER) What fun. And that was just for
starters. And now to find that silly girl and give her her golden dress. What a
simpleton, Stick around, you could be in for some fun! (EXIT)
(THUMPS AND BANGS OFFSTAGE - ENTER MUMMY BEAR)
MB What a performance, what a pantomime! The things we women have to put up with.
Oh, hello Boys and Girls. I'm glad you are here. We knew you were coming. A little
bird told us. When you live in a forest you get all the news from the birds. Now, the
first thing is - yes I'm a bear. But I'm a friendly bear. Bears are only cross if you
threaten them or attack them so there is no need to be afraid of me. There are three of
us bears living here, Me, I'm mummy bear, do you know who else is in my family?
(COAX AUDIENCE) Yes, Daddy Bear and Baby Bear. Now Baby Bear is adorable - the
cuddliest baby in the world! And so exited at the moment what with Christmas and
Santa - just like you. And after Christmas, guess what - Baby Bear is going to (name of
nursery) school. Yes - then he really will be just like you! Now Daddy Bear pretends
to be fierce but really he's a pussy-cat. He's very busy at the moment because we are
building an extension to our cottage. Have you heard of Bob the Builder? Well, so has
Daddy Bear. Every morning he's up. Pretending to be Bob The Builder. Can he fix it?
(BIZZO) I can see you know what I'm talking about. There is only one snag, Daddy Bear
is Daddy Bear and not Bob the builder. He's building it himself. He's big into D.I.Y.
I expect you know what that is. D.I.Y.? Yes, Do It Yourself, so we have been running
backwards and forwards to Budget for weeks. It's a bit inconvenient to be honest but I
couldn't say anything. He's so keen. He's building new beds, new chairs - and all in
time for Christmas. We might need your help Boys and girls - to get it finished. Well,
I'll just go and waken Baby Bear,
(MORE THUMPS, SWEARING AND WAILING FROM BABY BEAR)
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 5
MB I don’t think I need to waken Baby Bear after all. I think Daddy bear has done it for
me. Not even Rip Van Winkle could sleep through that. It's all right Baby Bear,
Mummy is here.
(ENTER BABY BEAR CRYING)
BB Waaah…
MB Diddums, come to Mummy, did a big noise frighten ickle wickle baby bear?
BB Waah… (GARBLED BIG NOISE FRIGHTENED ETC)
MB Here, little snooky poops, Mummy Bear will give diddums a little wee feetie. Here,
have a little treat. (GIVES SWEET)
BB Fang u, Mummy, Me was frightened! Me woke up.
MB There, there little honey bun, there's no need to be frightened . It was only Daddy
Bear building our new extension!
(MORE WAILS FROM BABY BEAR)
MB I know, I know but he means well. I've just been explaining that to the boys and girls.
BB Boys and Girls? What boys and girls?
MB These Boys and Girls! (POINTS TO AUDIENCE - BABY BEAR IS IMMEDIATELY EMBARRASSED AND
BECOMES SMALL BOY MACHO)
BB You never told me they were here.
MB They are very nice, Say hello to Baby Bear (THE AUDIENCE DO BABY BEAR RUNS OFF IN FRIGHT)
MB Oh what an adorable little flump. Let's call him back. After three. Baby Bear. (BIZZO -
HE RE-ENTERS)
BB Hello Boys and Girls. I was just pretending just now. I wasn't really frightened. I'm a
bear. A big Grizzly bear and I can eat you up.
MB Oh nonsense, you are a honey ball. You wouldn't hurt a fly.
BB I'm pretending. I don’t want the boys and girls to think I'm a baby.
MB But you are a baby. We were all babies once. (THUMP FROM OFF STAGE AND SWEARING.)
And some of us remain babies all our lives.
BB That's my daddy. He's building us a brand new extension in time for Christmas. He
thinks he Bob the Builder - Listen (CALLS) Bob the Builder. Can he fix it…
DB (OFFSTAGE) Yes he can.
BB No he can't. I'm going to help. But first I want my breakfast.
MB Well, Breakfast is going to be a little late today, on account of we've no table, no
chairs, no stove to make our porridge, so we are going to have to wait.
BB Well, can I have some honey, mummy, just to keep going? Funny, runny honey is my
favourite.
MB I'm afraid you will have to wait for that to. We've run out, but you-know-who is
coming to look after the Bees today so he will get us some.
BB (TO AUDIENCE) We have some special magic bees in our garden. Yes, they make the best
honey in the world and we have a special bee-keeper. He's called John. He's my friend.
He helps me play with (Toy Story? Characters?)
(THUMPS OFF STAGE. - ENTER DADDY BEAR.)
DB Where is everyone this morning? I thought I was going to get help with the new
extension. Who are all these folks?
MB These are the boys and girls.
DB Well, why didn't you tell me they were here. I'm supposed to be a scary bear to keep
them out.
BB But they are my new friends. We don’t want to keep them out.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 6
MB Say hello to them Daddy Bear. Why they might even be able to help put up your extension.
DB Hello. Hello, Boys and girls. Very nice to see you and a very merry Christmas to you
all. As you heard I'm building a new extension. I'm very keen on building. Have you
heard of Bob the Builder? Well I'm Benjamin the Builder. I watched changing rooms
and I wrote to them and asked if they would do us. But they said they didn't do bears so I
thought do it yourself Benjamin. Benjamin is my name the way and my wife is Benjamina
and our baby is Bengy. And we are a very happy family. And we are a very happy family.
(BEARS SONG AND THEY START TO BUILD AT THE END DURING WHICH JOHN ENTERS.)
John Well, what a hive of activity. You are just about as busy as my bees.
BB Oh John, my friend.. Have you brought me some funny runny honey?
MB Don’t be rude Baby Bear, I want gets nothing.
John It's alright, Mummy Bear, I just happen to have a Strawberry Lace. The Funny Runny
Honey comes later when I've been out to the bees.
BB Goody, Goody! (EATS WITH GUSTO)
MB We are very pleased to see you, John.
John I see you have your very own Laurence Llewellyn Bowen?
MB If only,
DB John, John my boy you are just in time. We are building a brand new extension to the
cottage and Mummy Bear insists we have it finished for Christmas.
John I'll be happy to help. Where would you like to start?
DB If you'll just hold the 'thingy-ma-bob' while I crank up the 'what-you- ma-call-it' then,
with a bit of grouting on the 'how's your father' we'll be finished. Is that clear?
John As clear as mud.
(AS MUCH SLAPSTICK AS WE CAN GET DEPENDING ON THE SET.)
DB Brilliant! Eat your heart out Carol Smillie. Changing rooms indeed. We change whole
kitchens.
MB If we could get some of the furniture back.
BB That will take all day, unless we get some of my new friends to help.
John Oh, you've met the boys and girls?
BB Yes, they are going to look after me when I go to school after Christmas.
BB/MB/John Boys and girls would you like to help re-arrange the furniture? (BIZZO CHILDREN FROM
THE AUDIENCE HELP WITH CHAIRS OR SOMETHING SIMPLE!)
MB Thank you, Boys and girls. It's beginning to look quite homely. Now, how about we
start the stove and make the porridge.
BB Goody, goody! Porridge, I love it.
DB Baddy, baddy. That could be a problem. The boiler isn't connected yet.
MB So we have no heat.
(BB STARTS TO CRY)
BB I want my porridge.
MB There, there my little sugar frostie. Have a little treat. Well, we'll just have to use the
micro-wave in what is left of the kitchen. There still is electricity, I take it?
DB Oh yes, you see I need it to power my wizzo,bizzo, zizzzo electric drill. (MIMES DRILL)
MB Thank goodness for that.
John Take a rest, Mummy Bear, I have some hot coffee in my flask. That will get you
going.We'll have it out here. A sort of picnic.
MB Oh John What a wonderful idea.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 7
(BABY BEAR STARTS TO CRY)
BB I don’t like coffee.
MB There, there, little Honey nut loop.
All Have a little treat,
(THEY SIT ON GROUND AND DRINK AS PICNIC)
John I've had some very bad news.
All Oh No!
John Oh Yes. It seems the bees are in deadly danger
All Oh No
John Oh yes. It seems we have a very nasty visitor in the forest.
All Oh no. Not Jeremy Beadle? (or whoever)
John Oh no. - Worse!
All Worse than Jeremy Beadle?
John WANDA the Witch of the WASPS
DB Wasp, Wasp, where is it. I can't stand wasps. Get the fly swat. (HE PANICS)
MB There, there, Daddy bear.
All Have a little treat.
DB Well, she sounds much worse than Jeremy Beadle, doesn't she boys and girls. Yes.
MB What does she want here? We don’t like wasps. They sting and they ruin our picnics,
don’t they boys and girls?
John She wants to attack the bees. She's heard about the David Attenborough Television
special and she's very jealous.
BB But if she attacks the bees that means there won't be
All Any honey cake for Christmas.
John And worse than that…
All No honey for Santa's toast!
DB What a disaster. This calls for immediate action.
John What had you in mind?
DB Move at once. The house can be dismantled, the boys and girls can help and you move
the bees.
John That's the problem. The bees are trained to return to one spot. If we move the hive,
they will lose their way. And we'll lose them forever.
DB What a calamity! Homeless Bees, (CRIES)
MB Homeless Bears (CRIES)
BB No more Honey
(ALL THREE ARE CRYING)
John We have to do something. I suggest we built a defence around the hive. You know you
being such a great builder. With your…
All Wizzo, bizzo, zizzo electric drill.
DB Say no more. I'm on the case. Bengy, go and get dressed. At once.
BB But I want to play with the boys and girls.
MB I want gets nothing.
DB And if you don't do as your father tells you, young bear…
MB & DB There will be no Santa!
BB Do I have to wash my face?
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 8
MB & DB Yes.
BB Aw Shucks! (EXITS)
John I'll help. Just lead the way. (JOHN BEGINS TO PACK UP HIS FLASK)
DB And you my dear…if you wouldn't mind zapping up that little old micro-wave.
Porridge is just the thing for stamina.
MB Certainly, my dear. After all as Napoleon said - A good army marches on its stomach.
(EXIT)
DB Do they, Oh of course, Capital idea. That way the enemy won't see you. Coming? (HE
LIES FLAT)
John Shall we go? Where are you? (HE FALLS OVER DB)
DB A good army marches on its stomach.
John If you cant beat 'em, join 'em! (THEY CRAWL OFF)
(ENTER GOLDILOCKS IN DRESS)
Gold Look, Boys and Girls. This is my beautiful new golden dress, just like Wanda
promised. I went down the forest path and there was her house. I went up the stairs and
in the wardrobe I found this dress, and these shoes and these golden ribbons for my
hair. I'm sure to make my fortune now. I'll meet only the best people. Why, people will
think I'm a princess. Well, it's been awfully nice meeting you so please wish me luck
as I go off to change the world!
(ENTER WANDA)
Wand Simply stupendous, why you make Jennifer Aniston look like an old tea-bag!
Gold I don’t know how to thank you enough, Wanda. You are wonderful.
Wand You don’t have to tell me I know. Now, there is nothing left for you to do but to go off
into the big wide world and seek your fortune.
Gold Which way should I go?
Wand Well, you are the one that wants to Go for it.
Gold Yes, but I don’t want to meet - The Nerd.
Wand Oh don’t worry about the Nerd. It simply isn't true what they say about him. He's just
misunderstood. He's a very good friend of mine.
Gold Are you sure?
Wand Would I lie to you? I never lie. Oh no I.don't. (BIZZO) I'll soon stop your little
shenanigans. (SPRAYS GUN) So off you go and seek your fortune
Gold Well, thank you ever so much. Wanda, Goodbye Boys and girls. Wish me luck.
(STARTS TO EXIT)
Wand Stip Stip Stingo! (GOLD FREEZES) You silly sad simpleton, Did you really think I was
doing all that out of the kindness of my heart? There's no such thing as a free lunch,
sister and you are about to pay the bill. You are now under my power. I need to get
into the bears garden. I need a distraction and you are it!
In the bear’s garden, under the trees
I want the hive of the Magic Bees;
Make the bears angry, make the bears mad,
Go on Goldilocks, be bad, bad, bad!
Stip, stip, stingo!
Wand Now, you simpering little sucker - Off you go on your merry little way. So long! (EXIT
GOLD) Oh, how clever I am, How stupendously superlatively sensational I am. I'll have
that bee-hive demolished in no time. Oh, Is that a bee I see in the audience. Stip Stip
Stingo! Got it. Is that another one. Stip Stip Stingo! I'd better go and lie down after
that little effort. Oh, there is simply nobody like me. Totally. (EXIT)
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 9
(ENTER MB & BB WITH PORRIDGE BOWLS)
MB Now Baby Bear, lets put out the porridge to cool.
BB Can I scrape the honey pot into mine?
MB Of course you can, my little strawberry pop-tart.
BB Not now, mummy, The boys and girls are watching.
MB There we are. Now, let's go and help Daddy and John build that fence around the bee-
hive and when we've finished, the porridge will be just perfect.
BB Yummy, yummy, funny, runny honey! (EXIT)
(ENTER GOLDILOCKS)
Gold Well, Boys and girls, I 'm really on my way at last. Oh look,what a funny higgledy-
piggledy cottage. Could do with a visit from changing rooms if you ask me. Looks like
it's still being built! There doesn't seem to be a door. I wonder what it's like inside? Be
assertive. Be bold go for it! No, it would be breaking in. That's a bad thing to do. Still,
a little peep wouldn't do any harm. I'll try round the back. (SHE RE-ENTERS FROM BACK)
Gosh it is a bit higgledy-piggledy. I shouldn't really be here. After all, it's not the done
thing to break into people's houses. Oh, who cares. It isn't as if I'm a burglar or
anything. Hellooo! Good! There doesn't seem to be anyone here. I'll just have a quick
sneak around. Cups and saucers. Honey Pot - empty. Flask of coffee. Not much here.
Oh look, porridge. I haven’t had porridge in ages. My granny makes wonderful
porridge with cream and honey. Yikes! Too Hot. Much too hot. Yikes! Too salty and
cold, much too salty and much too cold. Ah, perfect. Not too hot and not too cold -
just right! All that breakfast has made me feel very full and a bit sleepy. I'll just sit
down and take a little rest. Oh, this chair is much too hard, I'll try this one. Oh, this
chair is full of feathers. It's too soft, much too soft. Ah, this chair is just right. Yikes!
I've broken it. So what, it fragile to begin with and very badly built. I'll just have to sit
on this bed instead I wonder what these beds are doing here. Funny place to keep beds
in a kitchen.; Gosh I'm so tired. It's been such an exciting day.Too hard! Oh, much too
hard! I'll try this one. Too soft! Oh much too soft!. Aah… Perfect. Not too hard and
not too soft. Just right. (SHE SLEEPS)
(RE-ENTER BEARS)
DB Well, that didn't take long Thanks to my wizzo,bizzo zizzo electric drill. Cool!
MB Wait a moment. Something looks different. I know things were a little disorganized but…
DB Someone has been eating my porridge.
MB Someone's been eating my porridge.
BB Someone's been eating my porridge and they've eaten it all up! (CRIES)
Both There, there, baby bear, we'll soon get you some more.
BB But that was the last of the honey.
DB Someone's been sitting in my chair.
MB Someone's been sitting in my chair
BB Someone's been sitting in my chair and broken it all to pieces! (CRIES)
Both There, there Baby Bear.
DB Look, someone's been sleeping in my bed.
MB Someone's been sleeping in my bed.
BB Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there.
MB You don't suppose it's Nosmo the Nerd?
DB Leave this to me.
(HE CREEPS UP AND GROWLS)
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 10
Gold Yikes! - A Bear! (SHE JUMPS UP. SILLY CHASE ROUND THE STAGE, SHE ESCAPES BUT RUNS INTO
JOHN.)
John Well, well, well, the fortune hunter!
Gold Let me go.
DB Don’t let her go, John. She's a housebreaker. She's nearly wrecked my new extension.
MB A slight exaggeration.
BB But she did break my chair.
John So, you've been wrecking these good folks home have you? Explain yourself.
Gold Oh no I won’t! (BIZZO — 3 TIMES.)
Gold Oh, very well. I was curious, that's all.
MB Curious? You come in here, you eat our porridge…
BB My porridge, mummy
DB You break our chairs…
BB My Chair, Daddy
Both You sleep in our beds…
BB My bed., My bed, Mine, mine, mine. My chair, my porridge. You horrid, horrid …
All Interloper!
(GOLD PRETENDS TO CRY)
Gold I was trying to be brave. I so want to get on with things. I want to make my fortune.
MB As a burglar? I've met your type before.
BB Have you, Mummy, Where.?
MB Oh don’t be so nosey.
(BB STARTS TO WAIL)
DB Now you stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
BB But I have something to cry about. My Porridge, my chair my bed and my mummy
shouted at me. (WAILS)
DB Now look what you've done…
MB What I've done? She started it …
(MUCH NOISE AS EVERYONE ARGUES THEIR CORNER)
John Quiet, quiet everybody. (PARTY POPPER) That's better. Now, what are we going to do
with Goldilocks?
BB (GANGSTER) I say we tie her up and bust her to the feds. Let them slam her in the cooler.
(THEY STARE AT BB.)
All What did you say?
BB I said bust her to the Feds. Let them slam the broad in the cooler!
MB Well, wash your mouth out with soap and water. You've been watching too much late
night Television. It's bed for you at 6 o’clock from now on. (HE STARTS TO CRY BUT
BEFORE HE CAN) and if you make one sound…
DB Just one sound…
Both There will be no Santa. Got it?
BB (SICKLY SWEET) Alright Mummy, Alright Daddy, Me's a good boy from now on - but I
still think we should bust her to the feds.
Gold I'll give you my money to pay for the porridge. I'll blister my fingers sanding and
repairing the chair my hands are raw, and make the bed until my back aches pay for
the chair, and the porridge…and if you like I'll wash the sheets…and brush the
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 11
floor..and light the fire and then I'll go and you'll never see me again. (THIS IS REAL SOB
STUFF) I'll go on my lonely way, an outcast, a victim of my own pride, humbled by
your simplicity and your goodness to a passing stranger. I don’t think I can bear to go
home. Poor Granny will be so ashamed. Sitting in her little old rocking chair watching
the roses dying around her door and when a little golden sunbeam catches the rain
barrel, she'll wipe a tear from her dim sad old eyes and remember poor little
Goldilocks who went to the bad. A foolish child, (EVERYONE IS CRYING NOW. GOLDILOCKS
TRIES TO TIP-TOE AWAY)
John Oh no you don’t! You are a very naughty girl and I have a good mind to bust you to
the feds!
Gold Aw shucks!
(ENTER WANDA)
Wand I've arrived - and to show it - I'm here. And so are you. And you and you and you .And
well, you have done well, my dear, If I'm not mistaken you are in the arms of the
Prince,
Gold The Prince?
Wand Yes, You are Prince Joringel, are you not?
Gold He's just a rotten bee-keeper!
Wand On the contrary, I knew those bees were kept by someone special. Now I know who.
Prince Joringel!
Gold But you said your name was John
John Short for Joringel.
MB Big Mouth. That was our secret. This is the way he relaxes. Away from the paparazzi
and Hello Magazine. In disguise, looking after the bees so that they can make the best
honey in the world for Santa's toast and now you've blabbed his secret out. It's not nice
to tell secrets. Is it boys and girls? (BIZZO) See? There!
Wand You think I'd take the slightest notice of you, you bald faced hornet.
MB How dare you. Well (TO DB) Are you just going to stand there and let her call me a bald
headed hornet?
BB Bald Faced Mummy.
DB What can I do? She's awfully fierce and besides she's a wasp. I'm frightened of wasps.
MB You're a bear, For goodness sake. Growl!
(HE DOES SO - IT IS PATHETIC)
Wand Stip! (A MINI-STING!)
DB Yikes!
Wand This blonde bimbo has been under my spell. But you can have her back - I've bigger
fish to fry.
Prince or bee keeper you might be
But from now on - you belong to me!
Stip, stip, stingo!
(JOHN FREEZES AND THEN BECOMES A BLETHERING IDIOT.)
John Why Wanda, The Witch of the Wasps. You are the most beautiful creature I've ever
seen. Please can I be your slave. I'll dance for you, I'll sing for you, I'll sting for you.
Wand You said it baby.
(WANDA'S SONG AND DANCE.)
Wand Come along, Prince Baby, You are just the one I need to get rid of those little old bees.
John Whatever you say Wanda.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 12
Wand Here we go – The Beckhams in Love. Aaah. Eat your heart out Hello Magazine
Gold What about me. You were cruel you put me under a spell.
Wand What about you? You're a nobody. I don’t need you any more. You can keep the dress.
It wouldn't suit me anyway.
MB And what about us?
Wand What about you…you'll survive. Come along, Joringel……. I'll send a little friend to
help you. He's called The Nerd! (EXIT WITH JOHN)
All The Nerd! Yikes!
DB We'll have to defend ourselves. No nerd is getting in here.
BB I'll wing him with my pea-shooter.
MB Give me that. I told you to put it in the bin!
Gold Well, I suppose I'd better be going. I'm sorry I ruined things.
BB That's alright Goldilocks, You were under the spell of the nasty witch. Daddy Bear
will build me a new chair, and mummy bear will make me more porridge and I'll make
my own bed. You stay here with us. We don’t want you eaten by The Nerd.
MB Quite right, Baby Bear, folks should stick together in times of trouble. Isn't that right
boys and girls?
DB Well, It's getting dark. I'll take the rest of John's coffee, it will help me stay awake.
And I'll go on watch. You try to get some sleep.
BB You can have my bed, Goldilocks. Me's a big boy. Me going to stay and take care of
my womenfolk. Me will sleep in Daddy Bears Bed.
MB Isn't he adorable? Well, Goodnight everyone. Sleep well.
Gold Oh boys and girls. Who would have ever thought I would be spending the night with
three bears! Life's is getting remarkable. (SLEEPS)
DB (SITTING DOWN - ENTER NERD) Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched? Is
there anyone there Boys and girls? Where, behind me? No, there's no-one there. (ETC)
Yikes!! Wake-up everyone it's the Nerd!
All The Nerd…!
DB The Nerd! (MASS PANIC - WANDA ENTERS)
Wand I see you've met my little friend.
Gold Little friend - He's an ogre but we are not going to be afraid. Good will always win in
the end. Isn't that right bears?
Bears Too right
All Isn't that right Boys and Girls.
(SONG - FOLLOWED BY CHASE THROUGH THE AUDITORIUM THEN ALL RETURN TO STAGE EXCEPT WANDA)
DB What are we going to do now?
BB If I had my pea shooter, I could zap her.
Gold We need to catch her off guard and steal her sting. Think
MB Think!
DB Think
BB I'm thinking.
Gold What if she was attacked by a swarm of bees?
BB But the bees won't swarm without John.
Gold But if the boys and girls pretended to be bees she might be fooled.
MB It's worth a try.
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 13
Gold Right Boys and girls When Wanda comes back we are going to pretend we are a
swarm of bees. Lets practice. After three, everyone buzz like a bee. 1–2–3…
(OTHERS JOIN IN COAXING AUDIENCE)
BB But she won't drop her sting for that. She'll need a distraction. My peashooter!
MB You are not having that nasty pea-shooter. It could do damage.
BB But we want to do damage. We want to damage Wanda!
(ENTER WANDA)
WAND Who wants to damage Wanda?
All We do.
Gold And right now there's a swarm of bees on their way to get you.
Wand Ridiculous. The bees wont swarm without the stupid Prince. And right now he is
sweeping the floor and setting up a candlelight supper, in my house, under lock and
key. The Bees are in their hive.
All Oh not they're not! (BIZZO)
All The bees are right here. Listen Ready Boys and Girls? (BIZZO)
Wand What going on. I hear bees, hundreds of them. Where's my sting. Stip, stip, stingo!!
Stop it you bees.
BB Right. Here I go with my pea-shooter.
Wand What's going on. I'm being attacked by small hard lumpy things.
MB Quick Somebody, grab the sting.
(GOLDILOCKS DOES SO)
All Stip, Stip Stingo!
Wand It will need something stronger than that.
BB Right Boys and girls, after three - a big, big spell for Wanda. Stip stip Stingo! As loud
as you can! (BIZZO.)
Wand Yikes!! (SHE FREEZES)
Ball Hurrah!
MB Quick, Daddy Bear, take your super wizzo bizzo, zizzo electric drill and free John.
DB No sooner said my dear. What an adventure. (EXIT)
Gold Oh Baby Bear, Mummy Bear, You were so wonderful. And so kind. Especially after
all my naughtiness.
MB Well, I know you are not really bad, but I think you should think again before running
away from school and Granny. There's time enough to make your fortune.
Gold I suppose you are right,
BB Here, take my mobile And text Granny that you are o.k.
Gold Thanks Baby Bear.
(REPRISE OF GO FOR IT OR SOMETHING)
(ENTER JOHN & DB - EVERY ONE SHOUTS HURRAH.)
John Well, I hear the bees are safe and you're safe!
Others And you’re safe.
All But what about Wanda?
John She looks cute there.
DB I know, why don’t we get Charlie Dimmock round to turn her into a water feature!
John Why don’t we get Carol Smillie in to finish your extension. They don’t come for bears
but they might for a Prince.
Bear Hurrah!
 Goldilocks and the Three Bears 14
John And while we are waiting for the house to be re-built, we will all go to the Palace and
stay together for Christmas.
Bear Hurrah
Gold Well, I'll start back for home. You are right. It doesn't do to be rude or bossy. It's much
better to honest. Just plain honest. There. I've finished the text. Thank you Baby Bear.
John Not quite finished. Text Granny and tell her to come for Christmas.
Gold Really, Me and Granny in the palace for Christmas.?
Prince You and Granny in the Palace for Christmas!.
BB Can I bring my pea-shooter?
MB Oh very well.
BB And my PlayStation?
Prince I have a PlayStation 2 and a mini-scooter and a skateboard and...
All Lots of little treats.
DB Goodbye Boys and Girls and remember be kind and considerate to others
MB Look after your friends
BB And Santa will always come.
John Have a wonderful, happy Christmas.
Gold Like me. This really is my best Christmas ever. Thanks to You - and You (AUDIENCE)
and you Three Bears!
SONG AND REPRISE

FINIS