AN OPERATIC TRAGEDY

By Jo March

It’s a mean and stormy night. The moors are bleak and bloody. Thunder claps!
Lightning strikes! The fair Clarissa, her clothes in disarray, races across the wild
coastal heath- Clarissa enters. She stops. She runs. Will she escape? Will she be
caught? With bold determination, the villainous aristocrat Braxton Prendergast,
lurches for her. There’s no escape. She’s but a child. And yet she turns to fight
with eyes ablaze! This noble girl meets his gaze, unafraid. She will not be defiled!
This is followed by excessive amounts of blood and guts stuff. Violence and
seduction on every page! Meg will die like none before (JK, it’s Beth who does that,
but that’s not until WAY LATER). Meanwhile, there are swords. Lots and lots of
swords, clashing and fighting. The swords swoosh and swash with grace. It is
incredible. But before this fight ever happened…
FLASHBACK: This is the part Jo has Amy, Beg, and Meth rehearse. There is
a mother. There is more romance (not seduction, please don’t seduce your family).
No blood and guts (for now…). This is the Christmasiest the story gets. After this,
Christ will be no more! Only heartbreak and betrayal and ultimate, stormy battles
interrupted by trolls and hags. Just kidding, I don’t know what I’ll write, but
probably not violence or seduction, that’s weird.
Pretend this is some totally epic awesome writing by Jo March. It is
dramatic, dark, brooding, gut wrenching, and perhaps even really cool! It has great
potential, but only in Concord. Also, only if you are a woman reading it. Men have
poor taste. They also have pants. More of them should wear skirts, honestly. Who
would argue against a German man in pretty red clothes? A tasteless imbecile,
maybe.
Please ignore this. I promise this is just to fill space. I have no clue what to
do anymore. Save me. I need a whole other page. Absolute insanity. I can’t take it
anymore. I’m going crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room, a
rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats make me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy
once. They locked me in a room, a rubber room. A rubber room with rats. And rats
make me crazy!
 You’re welcome for that, by the way. I worked really hard being so original
there. Pretty cool, huh? Guess you could call me the next Jo March. I’m just cool
like that, ya know? Pretty epic if I do say so myself. Jamael started singing My
Little Pony so now you get the lyrics in the following paragraphs.
My Little Pony, My Little Pony. What is friendship all about? My Little Pony,
My Little Pony. Friendship is magic! (My Little Pony) I used to wonder what
friendship could be (My Little Pony) until you shared its magic with me. When I was
young I was too busy to make any friends, such silliness did not seem worth the
effort it expends. But my little ponies, you opened up my eyes and now the truth is
crystal clear, as splendid summer skies and it’s such a wonderful surprise.
(My Little Pony) I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony)
until you shared its magic with me. When danger makes me wanna hide, you’ll
Rainbow Dash to my side. Kindness is never in short supply, once smitten twice
Fluttershy. For honesty no pony can deny, you are the Applejack of my eye. A heart
that shines so beautiful, a Rarity to come by and you all make fun and laughter as
easy as Pinkie Pie!
(My Little Pony) I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony)
until you shared its magic with me. Our friendship’s magic and it’s growing all the
time. A new adventure waits for us each day is yours and mine. We’ll make it special
every time! We’ll make it special every time! (My Little Pony) What a wonderful
wonder friendship brings (My Little Pony) Do you know you’re all my very best
(Friends!) Friends, you’re my very best (Friends!) Friends, you’re my very best
(Friends!) Friends, you’re my very best (Friends! Friends!
Okay, that’s done. What do I do next? Not enough room for a movie script.
Nothing too thrilling ever happens in just a page and a half. Got distracted by
Eden’s Doodlebob shirt so I guess you get some Doodlebob lingo. Me hoy minoy. Me
hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy.
Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy
minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me
hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy.
Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy
minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy.
 Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me
hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy.
Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy
minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me
hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy.
Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy
minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me
hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy. Me hoy minoy.
Okay, I got bored of that. Womp womp. Onto the next bit of entertainment.
Except I don’t know what entertainment is. Did y’all see the Oscars last night?
Cool, me neither. Because they WEREN’T last night (unless, of course, you are
reading this on March 11th, 2024 or another date at which the Oscars happened
just last night). Haha. I’m funny. Sometimes. Not as funny as John Mulaney though,
he was at the Oscars! Not sure why, but he was. Pretty cool. He presented the
best sound award which went to Oppenheimer. Honestly, the movie wasn’t nearly as
boring as I thought it would be. It was actually super interesting and I managed to
stay awake the whole time. Maybe it was because I kept waiting for Florence Pugh
to come back. I love her. She slays.
You know who else slays? You. Only if you’ve actually read this far, though :/
I know, it’s long, it’s boring, but hey, NEVER LET THEM GUESS YOUR NEXT
MOVE.
No, but seriously, imagine it: you’re seeing Fall Out Boy in a concert.
Everyone is having a great time. Fall Out Boy seems a little excited. “We have a
surprise for you guys,” Patrick says. All of a sudden, Panic! at the Disco comes out
and starts singing “This is Gospel.” When Brendon gets to the chorus, someone else
starts singing… “When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a
marching band.” Lights flash everywhere and you see Fall Out Boy singing “This is
Gospel” along with Panic! at the Disco, while My Chemical Romance is singing “Black
Parade.” Everyone in the crowd is going wild and crying. Then, if things couldn’t get
any better, Dan and Phil walk onto stage and kiss, holding the gay flag.
THE END.