when does the pain go away, and where is it all coming from. My hope to start over somewhere new.

To get rid of everything and everyone. My complete detachment of all that’s there, everyone and
everything. “I love you” I say the word, but I don’t know what it means or how it feels. I know what I
feel when I say it though. My I love you says I need you, it means right this moment my mind is not
in a battle concerning your existence and I can go to; to feel safe only in that moment, with no
guarantees of how I would feel later, it means that in this moment I don’t hate myself for choosing to
be attached to you or anybody else for that matter.
I am completely alone; I am always in pain. I don’t know what I am or what I like or what I crave, I
am completely detached from what I am. I am tired of asking questions that don’t have answers, I am
tired of pretending to find somethings funny cause other wise they would hurt and I need to lie.. to
myself cause otherwise I would be alone.. what is my definition of loneliness. I am afraid of being
completely alone, and I hate that I am not alone but rather lonely. Would I prefer to be completely
alone. It hurts, everything hurts.
Sometimes I think that if I woke up one day and found all my family dead, it might give me a better
reason to stay alive that them being alive. I don’t understand me. I remember when I was younger and
I don’t know if it was easier or not.. now I just feel used, misplaced, detached, fake… I feel like I am
trapped inside this body and this soul, I don’t know what I am. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to exist. So
many debates in life money, sex, religion, race, etc and people take it jokingly or seriously both
bullshit. I need to find a way away from everyone, cause I can’t process who I am around them. What
the hell am I, and why is not knowing that painful