03.

02 12:57
My selfishness is what provides me happiness. Should I be like this at the expense
of others satisfaction?.maybe I really don't appreciate the life I have or maybe I
am playing a victim, don't know for what. I'm becoming more and more bitter and
selfish as days go by . My heart has let go of itself I simply don't feel anything
which must be felt deep within. I feel like a walking toy with a whole in the
chest that is big enough to let anything slide by . My family says I really don't
care for anyone rather than myself, it's true . I've always felt like my
selfishness is what made me survive.if I haven't cared about myself much I
wouldn't exist.also I'm self righteous, acknowledging that I'm wrong has always
been a hard pill to swallow.i have always feared of being wrong, committing
mistakes, being judged and rejected.i suppose most of us feel like this mostly. I'm
not even pretty, I have un ugly face , manly arms, hands And crooked ugly
disgusting feet, it's deformed,
Stupid me!, I'm in love, and I know it's not something a person like me should
want. I refuse to move on from this person who has in no way shown any affection to
me, it's a crush that's all I say
But I want him.i really don't want him nor anyone to truly love me cause I'll never
truly love them back, I'm simply incapable of giving and receiving love. I should
learn to be independent I want to prove that I can exist without love , I would be
miserable but still being by oneself is amazing.
I am becoming an annoyance by wanting to talk,
But I want to confront, keeping things to oneself is awful,who would know that
better that me . I believe it's better to talk. I do understand some need time to
sort out things for themselves.am I really wrong for caring? Maybe I've become a
parasite in their life. I can't even apologize.what should I do? Please stop
caring. No one really cares.also I'm not worth anyone's time or energy. I agree I
am also like that. I can only vibe with some.does that mean I judge others?.even if
I am doing it unconsciously I sincerely don't mean to judge anyone. Everyone's life
is different and I know nothing about who they're and what they've been through.
I want to be mature adult. One who is cool , enjoys one's own company, has
hobbies,is polite and bold, is indifferent,has good relationship with others, is
responsible, is good at what they do, is in tune with themselves, is happy with
what they have. At least I want to act like one.
I guess writing all my stupid thoughts are helping me.
I'm not hardworking person. I'm the. True opposite of that term.I am studious
ig.people tend to think so at least.
I wish I was a better friend. I don't want to get into arguments,but what's wrong
with him? Why am I angry?? It's me I'm the problem why can't I acknowledge
that .who won't be mad at a person who acted like me? I don't have any self
respect. He was right I am saddening.
I got rejected. I am sooo much happy that I got rejected. It's weird. I feel so
relieved. That person was so nice. I'm simply amazed at myself. For a moment at
least I was true to myself.and it did bring me immense satisfaction.
I badly want attention.does have a lot to do with the fact that I'm an only child.
I feel I deserve things which is simply insane.why am I expecting things from
people? Isn't it too much of a request. I want to believe people could relate to
me.i believe everyone feels like they are the centre of the universe.feeling like
everyone is judging them, staring at them , it's kind of like living in a
hallucination.
I'm doing a lot better now, I want to believe that,yes I am. It feels nice
sometimes to be carried away in that moment of happiness. It is definitely an
addictive feeling.but I make sure I don't expect or want it much to be disappointed
if I am not happy.
What do I really want by typing all this?
I think I plan on making my friends read all this? But why???? For what? I am
waiting for sympathy?.
People really don't have to be so much understanding do they?.they have their own
shit to deal with isn't it. I'm not the only one with a Life and problems.