Ballad of a Frogman

I've been around the world twice,

I've talked to everyone once.
I've seen two white whales fuck,
been to two pygmy picnics,
and know a guy from Marblehead with a wooden cock.
I've been to three world's fairs,
two sheep shears, and a pig-fuck.
Drank everything from rum to scum,
been to a goat rope, a worm wrestle,
and seen a monkey try to fuck a football.
I've pushed more peter, more sweeter, more completer,
than any other peter-pusher in town, because…
I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, I'm an American naval UDT/SEAL diver.
That's a rootin', tootin', lootin', shootin', parachutin', double-cap-crimpin', rolex wearing, scuba-divin'
frogman.
There's no sky too high, no sea too deep, no muff too tough. I dive for five, fuck, suck, nibble chew,
hog-style, dog-style, any style, masterbate, ejaculate, copulate, wine, dine, intertwine, ream-steam,
dry-clean, and drive Navy trucks…
That's 2-by's, 4-by's, 6-by's and those big mother f'ckers that bend in the middle and go "Tshh-tshh"
when you step on the brakes. And lady, if you don't like my face you can f'ck it.
So here's to it…
Birds do it and fly from it,
bees do it and die from it.
Dogs do it and stick to it,
so here’s to it, from it, and to it again.
If you don't do it to it when you get to it, you won't do it to it when you get to it again. So up the old
red-rooster just like she used to whip it to her, and never-mind my skinny legs.