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Sex Is Different When You’re a

Highly Sensitive Person — Here’s
How
Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — By Sarah Lempa
on May 12, 2021

HSP defined Connection Orgasm Slow and steady

Concentration Perception Comedown If your partner is a HSP
Takeaway

LEAH FLORES/Getty Images

For starters, even feather-light touch hits differently when you’re a

highly sensitive person (HSP).

Powerful physical sensations, plus a need for deep concentration and

actual connection, are often hallmarks of intimacy for HSPs.
AD VER T I SEM EN T
What it means to be an HSP
Here’s the deal: An HSP’s nervous system processes external
stimuli much deeper than others.

Scientifically named sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), it’s a

completely normal genetic trait brought to light by clinical psychologist
Elaine Aron in the ‘90s.

Personally, I like to say it turns up the volume of life: emotions, physical

touch, sense of smell, you name it.

And, yeah, it sounds fancy and all, but we’re really not uncommon.
According to Aron, HSPs make up about 15 to 20 percent of the
world’s population.

Of course, high sensitivity isn’t a sole determinant of one’s

sexual experiences.

The HSP experience varies so much from person to person, and

it’s often dependent on a number of different factors.

These takeaways are based on my own experiences as an HSP.

Many of us need an actual connection to be into it

Trust is a big deal, and having an actual connection is integral. I can’t
speak for every sensitive soul out there, but I need to feel both physical
and mental attraction to really get into intimacy.

Without it, sex feels incredibly pointless — more like some bizarre type
of disconnected, yet mutual, masturbation than an experience of
embodied pleasure. Hard pass.

After some trial and error, I finally figured this out in my mid-twenties.
Now, I’m just not down to be with anyone I don’t feel a connection
with.

And, for that exact reason, I highly recommend keeping a vibrator (or
two, or three, or, ya know, seven) nearby until someone you truly fancy
saunters into your life.

Sensual touch and orgasm are intense

We might get irrationally bothered over a scratchy clothing tag, but
it’s made up for by the undulating waves of pleasure that douse our
bodies during intimacy (when we’re with the right people — who can
be hard to find).

Slow and steady wins the race

Our physical pleasure is all in the details. So, that’s a resounding yes
to starting slow, subtle, and with consent, as always. Delicate yet
deliberate; I can’t think of a more winning combination.

The best sex, to us, is built up over time and ideally has a sprinkle of
mystery. That’s not to say there isn’t room for daring adventures
— it just takes the right combination and lead up.

Even outside the bedroom, HSP sexuality can be one hell of a force. Our
inner worlds can whisk us to faraway places, sometimes delving into
deliciously indulgent memories or fantasies for the future.

And, honestly, at this point I’m having a hard time concentrating on

writing this section.
But that same immense pleasure can be easily
derailed
Deep pleasure takes a lot of concentration for us. Sometimes, little things
can throw off our sensual groove, putting us into a fog of “now I’m
not really feeling it.”

RIP to that one brewing orgasm ruined by my partner’s dog jumping

on the foot of the bed.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the power of a really good sex

playlist to minimize background distractions.
AD VER T I SEM EN T

We’re highly perceptive of our partners’

experiences
The HSP tendency to overthink is rife. Sex is no exception. Even in the
most, uh, engaging situations.

Not only are we analyzing every fiber of our own sensations, we’re
simultaneously trying to imagine how it’s all going from our
partner’s perspective.

Emily Stone, PhD, LMFT, the founder and senior clinician at The Unstuck
Group, knows it well. Stone says that HSPs sometimes have a
“tendency to endure” in their relationships.
It’s not uncommon for us to neglect our own needs because
we’re more so thinking about our partner’s experience, which can
lead to getting lost in a sexual sea of thought.

When it all lines up right though, Stone says “an HSP’s gifts can
bring delight, passion, and depth to the sexual experience in ways that no
one else can.” Damn straight.

We’ll probably be in la-la land for a while

afterward
A good orgasm can send us into a buzzy haze of indulgence, and we
might just devolve into a complete blob afterwards.

In “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love,” Aron explains that HSP

folks might “find it difficult to go right back to normal life after
sex.”

That’s because we’ve just gone through massive amounts of

stimulation, and it’s probably all we’ll think about for at least the
next hour or so.

That project you were working on? Yeah, probs not gonna happen
anymore.

What non-HSPs should know about being with an

HSP
Open dialogue really is the golden ticket here, and it’s a two-way
street.

While it’s taken me time to learn how to speak up about what I like
and don’t like in the sheets, that assertion has helped my
relationships greatly. It’s something we can all benefit from,
regardless of where one falls on the sensitivity scale.

According to Shari Botwin, LCSW, a licensed therapist who’s worked

with many HSPs, “non-HSPs need to be open to understanding their
partner’s experience.”

“They need to be open to listening and communicating feelings

before, during, and after intimacy,” she says.

You heard her: Don’t be shy.

The same goes for HSPs. It’s our responsibility to tell our partners
what’s working and what isn’t — without worrying about
upsetting them. Again, assert yourself. Your desires are worth it.

The bottom line

High sensitivity is a unique gift, and I’ll always see it that way.

It may take some extra self-discovery and communication to ensure your

sexual needs are met. But, hey, what would any sex be without those two
things? Nowhere near as good, that’s for sure.

Sarah Lempa is a writer and entrepreneur as the

founder of Dang Fine Creative, a digital content
agency. In her writing, she covers travel, mental
health, business, sex and relationships, along with
whatever else is currently inspiring. Her words
have appeared in Business Insider, VICE, HuffPost,
Lonely Planet, and more. While originally from the
Chicago area, she’s called multiple countries home and has ventured
across six continents along the way. When she’s not chipping away at
a piece, you’ll find her jamming out to groovy beats or riding a
motorcycle. Keep up with Sarah on Instagram.

Last medically reviewed on May 12, 2021

How we reviewed this article:

SOURCES HISTORY

Our experts continually monitor the health and wellness space, and we
update our articles when new information becomes available.
Current Version
 Current Version

May 12, 2021

Written By
Sarah Lempa

Edited By
Tess Catlett

Medically Reviewed By
Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW, CST

Copy Edited By
Jen Anderson

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