A Measure of Stupidity

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/41479068.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: M/M
Fandom: One Piece
Relationship: Monkey D. Luffy/Trafalgar D. Water Law
Character: Monkey D. Luffy, Trafalgar D. Water Law, Nami (One Piece), Roronoa
Zoro, Vinsmoke Sanji, Usopp (One Piece), Nico Robin, Tony Tony
Chopper, Franky (One Piece), Brook (One Piece), Jinbei (One Piece),
Monkey D. Luffy's Straw Hat, Mugiwara Kaizoku | Strawhat Pirates,
Bepo (One Piece), Shachi (One Piece), Penguin (One Piece), Ikkaku
(One Piece), Heart Pirates
Additional Tags: Pirate King Monkey D. Luffy, Tired Trafalgar D. Water Law, Married
Couple, Mugiwara no Ichimi | Straw Hat Pirates As Family, Attempted
Kidnapping, Implied/Referenced Torture, Canon Compliant, Post-
Canon, Established Relationship
Language: English
Series: Part 2 of The Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Life of a Pirate King's
Husband
Stats: Published: 2022-09-04 Completed: 2023-07-04 Words: 12,412
Chapters: 2/2

A Measure of Stupidity
by karategal

Summary

"I heard you're causing problems, Luffy."

The Pirate King pouted and said, "No, I'm not! These assholes started it! I'm just showing
them how stupid their ideas are!"

"Ah, yes, they want to kidnap and kill me."

Notes

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or actors from One Piece. Everything belongs
to the great and powerful Eiichiro Oda.
 Chapter 1

"I wouldn't touch that if I was you."

Nami had been sifting through their latest plundering haul when a small hand had appeared in her
peripheral vision. A former World Noble had been stupid enough to pursue them into the Calm
Belt, bulbous ego so inflated that he didn't even seem to care that there was no more World
Government or Navy Admirals to come running to his pathetic, sniveling aid anymore.

The Straw Hats had enjoyed pummeling him and his crew to bloody pulps.

And as expected, the gaudy ship's cargo hold had been practically bursting with the so-called taxes
that former World Nobles still tried to collect from the world's less defensible and poor nations.
Nami would have to check their log pose and see what islands they'd been to previously. Some
might be fine without the ill-gotten goods, but others could easily face starvation if this entitled
asshole took all they'd had to their names.

"Our captain loves his meat and wouldn't appreciate having it stolen right out from under his nose."

Bright blue eyes stared out at her from the shadows, the child's small frame trembling when he
realized he'd been found out. Not that Nami was particularly upset by his presence or intended
theft. Thanks to past experiences with these types of ships, the Straw Hats had expected to find a
couple slaves aboard. It seemed that no matter how hard or often they got their asses kicked, the
World Nobles just couldn't give up their past lifestyles.

"However," drawled Nami, "I'm sure if you were to ask nicely, he'd be willing to share."

The child didn't say anything in response or come out from his hiding place behind a barrel.
Considering how traumatized and distrusting the kid probably was, that was just fine by Nami.
Letting him go at his own pace—with the simple assurance that yes, the Pirate King was willing to
share food if asked nicely—seemed to be the best course of action in these situations.

"Hey, Nami! Can you come over here for a minute?"

With a sigh of frustration, Nami laid down the stack of beli she'd been counting through and turned
to stare across the cargo hold. Luffy had been digging through the stolen piles for the last half-
hour, throwing things to and fro as he looked for something interesting that he could use as a gift
for Torao's birthday. Nami had already warned him at least a dozen times that they were less than a
week away from October and that he needed to hurry up and find a present if he didn't want to
suffer the worst humiliation that a husband could.

"Think about what I said, kid."

"Nami!"

"Geez, I'm coming!" she yelled back. "Some of us are actually trying to be productive over here, so
hold your damned seahorses."

Following her captain's voice, Nami was surprised to not find him in the main cargo hold, but a
small side room that was stacked to the ceiling with what appeared to be papers. And not just any
papers, but official World Government documents. Many of which looked to be classified, if the
red stamps and redacted lines were anything to go by.
"Wow, now this is a goldmine."

Nami would've ran straight off to tell Robin about their miraculous find if it wasn't for an insistent
hand grabbing at her elbow. More than a little taken aback, she turned around and was surprised to
see Luffy holding out a small stack of papers to her.

"What are these?"

"I'm not the best reader, so I want you to look over them before I go upstairs."

Eyebrow raised in bemusement, Nami didn't bother to question her captain about his odd request.
Luffy's face was unusually serious and Nami could feel the pressure of his Haki churning just
below the surface. Something in the papers must have upset him, for him to be acting like this.

"Okay, just give me a minute. Shouldn't take too long..."

And it really didn't. The writing style was modern and easy to understand, if a little wordy in some
places. Nami hadn't even gotten through the first paragraph before she realized why Luffy was so
infuriated.

"They're talking about Torao, aren't they?"

With a grim nod of her head, Nami continued on to the next page. It was a detailed list of the Heart
Pirates' crew, each entry meticulous in its descriptions of the best ways to capture them. A messy
star was drawn next to Bepo's name, likely meaning that he was the ideal target to lure out and then
manipulate Law to their bidding.

"It looks like they were planning to kidnap a member of his crew and then use them against him."

She skimmed over the next couple pages, a black pit forming in her stomach when she realized
how close they were to ambushing the other captain and his crew on an island just fifty miles to
their west. It was one of the islands that the Heart Pirates would be passing by to meet up with them
later in the week. And it looked like this particular ship wasn't the only one that'd be targeting
them, either.

"They want his Fruit for that stupid immortality surgery it can do."

"Yeah, that's what it looks like."

If Nami hadn't known her captain as well as she did—and trusted him with her very life—she
would've been completely terrified of him. The Pirate King's eyes had gone a vicious shade of
white, as had his hair. Luffy looked like he was mere seconds away from going into Gear Five,
teeth clenched so tightly that Nami could literally hear them grinding together.

"They even have a newly issued bounty poster for him," said Nami. Her eyes widened when she
saw the new number. "Holy shit, Luffy, they've increased his bounty to 8.3 billion beli. That's more
than yours!"

"It's the Fruit," Luffy said, countenance grim as he looked over the poster. "Torao told me that it
was worth more than Roger himself when the World Government and Mingo were originally
looking for it. They must've combined the bounties together, probably so that more people would
go after him."

Nami quickly read through the last few pages, biting down hard on her lip as she realized the sheer
extent of information that had been gathered on Law and his crew. Yes, the World Government
was in tatters thanks to Luffy and his allies dragging the Celestial Dragons down from their gilded
halls, but enough remnants of the overall power structure and naval apparatus still existed to create
intermittent problems for people like the Straw Hats and Heart Pirates. Thankfully, it looked like
what little was left of the World Nobles had overplayed their hand here, and were now going to pay
the price—and it would be a very steep price, if Luffy had any say in it—at the hands of their
target's closest allies.

"We need to contact them right away, Luffy."

The Pirate King didn't respond, straw hat obscuring his eyes from view as he struggled to maintain
some degree of control. Nami could understand, her own temper spiking higher and higher with
every paragraph she read through. The World Nobles wanted immortality and eternal youth and
they saw nothing wrong in torturing Bepo or Penguin or another crew member and then killing
Law if it meant they could achieve it.

"Luffy?"

She never received an answer, her captain simply turning around and heading straight for the stairs.
Nami supposed that she should've felt some type of foreboding or trepidation about what Luffy
was about to do, but honestly, she didn't care. Trafalgar Law was her captain's husband and their
crew's closest ally, so the mere thought of anything terrible happening to him or his crew was
enough to wipe out any sense of sympathy or compassion she might have had.

"Guess I'll be making that call then."

Heading straight for her survey desk in the observation room, Nami couldn't quite hold back a
flinch when she felt Luffy's monstrous Haki surge forth like a tsunami. It was almost like being
dowsed in molasses, her captain's bloodlust and fury seeming to stick to your every pore while
coating everything for miles in a thin layer of his rage. For most people, it was migraine-inducing
and Nami had seen some of the toughest pirates around succumb in mere seconds to its raw power,
none of them able to hold a candle to Luffy even on his worst day.

She imagined that the World Noble and his crew were likely pissing themselves at this point. Their
target of choice was the absolute worst they could've chosen, what with him being married to the
King of the Pirates and also an incredibly powerful and ruthless pirate captain himself. By all
accounts, Law could've been an Emperor in his own right, if the concept had agreed with him.

"Only an emotionally needy person would want that position," had been Law's scoffed response
when offered the title of Emperor. "So no thanks. My crew and the Tang are more than enough
work as it is."

Kinda made sense, considering Law's asocial personality and disinterest in any and all types of
positions of power. After all, it was Luffy and Kid who had been pursuing the Pirate King title, not
Law. She could remember as early as Zou him mentioning that he was only interested in learning
the World Government's secrets and taking down the World Nobles, not being some head-honcho
in the pirate world.

It made for an interesting combination with him and Luffy, the former being introverted, cynical,
and reclusive while the latter all but embodied the very idea of being extroverted, optimistic, and
outgoing. Of course, Nami had a feeling that the World Noble and his crew were about to learn
why Luffy was often considered the more dangerous of the two, at least when it came to protective
retribution.

"They just can't keep themselves out of trouble," Nami grumbled as she hopped back onto the
Sunny. "Always gotta be dragged into some kinda crisis."

She passed Chopper on her way to the observation room, but didn't stop to explain the situation.
She knew that her face likely tipped him off to something being very, very wrong, but making
contact with the Heart Pirates was her top priority right now.

The World Government and their goons had put the Straw Hats through absolute hell with their
hunting of Robin and outright murder of Ace, so Nami felt more than a little justified in her
paranoia. Nobody was hurting her friends and family again if she could prevent it.

"Please pick up," she murmured as she woke up Law's special mushi. "Please, please, please..."

"Hello?"

"Oh, thank goodness. Clione, is that you?"

"Yep. What's up, Miss Nami? The Captain said we wouldn't be hearing from you guys until later
tonight."

"We kinda have a situation."

Any further conversation was interrupted by the sound of Luffy yelling, his voice echoing quite
clearly up into the observation room through an open door. The mushi gave a small jump of
surprise, its droopy eye stalks popping up to show Clione's own bewilderment.

"Sounds like a bad one."

"You could say that. Hey, Clione, could you put Law on the line? It's really important."

"Sure, just give me a few minutes. He's probably down in the engine room with Ikkaku looking
over her newest parts. We picked up a bunch of new stuff at the market this morning."

Nami felt her heart clench. "Clione, is everyone onboard? Are you submerged?"

"Umm, not submerged yet," he said after a tense moment, "But I'm pretty sure that everyone's
onboard. Why?"

"Double check that everyone's onboard."

"Why?"

"Please, just do it, Clione. Trust me, it's very important."

"Alright."

Nearly a full minute passed as Nami listened to the other pirate go through roll-call. She knew that
Law had a strict system on the Tang to prevent anyone from being left outside when they
submerged, and every Heart pirate carried a small beeper that they used to acknowledge whether
they were onboard or not. With the confirmation of each name, which were almost as familiar to
Nami as her own crew's nowadays, the nauseous pit in her stomach slowly started to disappear.

"And Wharf's the last one. That's everyone, Miss Nami."

"Thank you, Clione. I know it was a weird request, but just trust me on how important it was."

"So, I guess we should submerge now?"

"Yes."

"And finding someplace dark and deep to hide would probably also be a good idea, right?"

"I cannot emphasize that enough."

"Okay, just give me a couple minutes to get us underwater. The Captain's already on his way, so he
should be here by the time I've got us out of sight. Talk to you in a bit."

Nami's head thumped against the desk as she heard the telltale sound of the Tang's engines roar to
life, her heartbeat slowing down for the first time in what felt like hours. She'd been so scared that
someone would've been found missing in the roll-call, that they'd been too late and one of the
Hearts had already been snatched by the sick bastards who wanted to trade Law's life for their own
greed. And there was no doubt in Nami's mind that Law would do everything in his power to
protect one of his crew members. They'd all seen that on Punk Hazard and Dressrosa with how he'd
sent them away to Zou, preferring to take on Doflamingo and his insane family alone so that the
Hearts wouldn't be caught in the cross-fire.

The man might have had a sugar-and-ice personality of epic proportions, but he was a fantastic
captain who adored his crew and displayed nothing but loyalty to those he allied with. Nami
respected that.

It was probably Law's best trait, if you asked her.

And honestly, it shouldn't have surprised anyone that a bunch of World Nobles and their
government dogs would still be hunting for Law. That Fruit of his was so damned valuable that it
made anything resembling a quiet, peaceful life impossible for the poor guy. Yeah, Nami and her
crewmates all had huge bounties on their heads, but aside from Robin, all of their bounties had been
acquired through their own choices and actions. But that didn't apply to Law, who'd apparently
been forced to eat the Ope-Ope Fruit in order to avoid dying of a terminal disease.

Nami didn't know all of the nitty-gritty details—Luffy was actually pretty good at keeping his
mouth shut when he put his mind to it—but she did know that Law hadn't had much choice in the
matter and that his adoptive father had been brutally murdered by Doflamingo over it.

"Captain's here. And we're underwater and descending along the shelf."

There was the sound of some light scuffling before Nami heard Law's familiar voice grumpily ask,
"Okay, what has he done this time?"

"Actually, Luffy's not the problem. At least right now."

"Excuse me if I'm skeptical."

Under normal circumstances, Nami wouldn't blame Law for that type of reaction. More than half
of their crew-to-crew calls involved them asking Law to talk his husband down from doing
something insanely stupid. It was the most logical answer to her calling out of the blue on a
weekday afternoon.

"So, I think it'd be best if I just ripped the band-aid off right now by saying that we got attacked by
a World Noble ship, beat the tar out of them, started sifting through everything they had onboard,
and found a bunch of official papers that detail how much they want to capture you for the Ope-
Ope Fruit and then force you to perform that stupid immortality surgery."

Law went quiet for a few moments before saying the expected, "Well, they can certainly try."
"They were gonna take Bepo. Or another crew member. To use as bait and then torture if you
didn't cooperate. I have the list right here in my hands, Law. It's very, very detailed and they've
definitely been following you guys for quite some time, I'd say."

She was expecting the silence that followed, Law needing a few moments to absorb what she'd just
told him. If nothing else, the man was methodical and would likely be able to deduce the
immediate consequences of their find.

"Where's Luffy?"

"From the sounds and feel of it, probably making a bunch of World Nobles piss themselves."

"Take me to him."

Nami couldn't hold back a sigh of relief. She didn't really care what Luffy did to the World Nobles
and their followers, but she would prefer that the ship at least not be sunk until she could get all the
treasure safely onto the Sunny. And at this point, she was pretty sure that Law was the only person
within two thousand miles who'd have any chance of talking Luffy down.

The trip back to the World Noble's ship nearly landed her in the water twice thanks to their
gangplank shifting with the waves, but once Nami had managed to climb over the railing, she was
finally able to get a clear view of the damage. And boy, oh boy, was there damage.

Deck chairs were strewn about in all directions. Scorch marks littered the mast and upper deck
boards. More than a dozen holes were punched through the walls of the bridge and what must've
been their own observation room. Just as many slash marks accompanied the holes. As for the
ship's crew, most of them were cowering just below the forward mast furthest from her, Sanji and
Robin standing on either side of them. And in the middle of the central well deck stood Luffy and
Zoro, both of them looming ominously over the World Noble that was sobbing at their feet.

It wasn't obvious at first glance, but Nami quickly figured out why the World Noble was throwing
such a blubbery fit. Luffy had his left hand wrapped tightly around the Noble's throat, the infamous
white flames of Gear Five held just beside the sobbing man's face with his right one. And as
always was the case with Gear Five, constant laughter was bubbling out from Luffy's own throat,
which only seemed to terrify the World Noble and his crew even more.

"Luffy."

The abrupt sound of Law's voice cut across the battered ship like a knife, every head that wasn't
being held four feet off the ground by an infuriated Pirate King whipping around to stare at Nami.
Thankfully, Jimbei was kind enough to pull her the rest of the way up and over the railing, Law's
customized mushi held safely in her left hand.

"Torao."

Almost zombie-like in his movements, Luffy's head tilted to the side to get a better look at what
Nami held in her hands. When pink eyes spotted the familiar mushi, Nami could feel some of her
captain's rage subside, although not by much. However, it was enough to give them all some
breathing room, which they'd had very little of since Luffy's Haki had first exploded outwards
twenty minutes ago.

"Torao!"

Face stretching into a brilliant smile, Luffy let the World Noble drop head-first onto the deck,
happy laughter bursting forth as he quite literally bounced over to where Nami was standing beside
the railing. Knowing what he wanted, Nami didn't hesitate to hand the mushi over, Luffy cradling
the little telepathic snail like it was the most precious and fragile thing in the world.

"I heard you're causing problems, Luffy."

The Pirate King pouted and said, "No, I'm not! These assholes started it! I'm just showing them
how stupid their ideas are!"

"Ah, yes, they want to kidnap and kill me."

Luffy's muscles twitched when he heard this, eyes darkening to molten pink as he was reminded of
just what the World Nobles had had planned for his husband and his crew. Nami knew that it was
only thanks to the little mushi sitting in his palm that Luffy restrained himself, attention focused
entirely on the goofy hat and droopy eye stalks right in front of him.

"Are you okay?"

"I wouldn't be talking to you if I wasn't, Luffy."

"What about Bepo? And the others? Are they all with you?"

"Everyone's onboard and accounted for," Law assured, voice taking on a much more conciliatory
tone. "Nami explained what you guys found on their ship and Clione was already taking us under
by the time I got up here. We're about five hundred feet down now."

"We're gonna head for your position, okay? Don't surface until we get there."

Nami winced at the demanding tone that Luffy had taken on, knowing that Law wouldn't
appreciate being ordered around or treated like a damsel in distress. The majority of their captains'
most explosive arguments over the last four years had come from Luffy being too bossy and
domineering, to which Law usually responded by being a defiant little shit who then did the exact
opposite of what Luffy wanted. It was kinda amusing to watch, so long as you weren't stupid
enough to get pulled into their melodramatic bickering.

"Wow, I hadn't even thought of that."

Ah, yes, there was the sarcasm. Nami had come to expect it whenever something annoyed the
other captain.

"Maybe I should just go and hide like a—"

"Torao, please, I'm not just being bossy about this," Luffy begged, face only inches away from the
mushi now. "These guys know stuff about you and the others that they wouldn't know unless
they'd managed to get really, really close. I don't want anything to happen to any of you if we can
avoid it."

Luffy's pleading expression seemed to break through Law's prickly skin, the mushi's eye stalks
slumping in a manner reminiscent of Law scrunching his shoulders. To her left, Nami could almost
feel Jimbei's relief as well. None of them liked it when Luffy and Law were at odds, especially
when they were in a situation as serious as this one.

"Fine, we'll stay submerged below four hundred feet until you can meet up with us," said Law with
a disgruntled huff. "But I expect to see those papers as soon as you arrive. No waiting!"

The Pirate King gave his husband a gigantic smile and bubble of laughter, bouncing up and down
in place while also giving the startled mushi a quick cuddle against his cheek. He probably
would've bounced overboard if Jimbei hadn't grabbed the back of his shirt and flung the smaller
human towards the center of the well deck where Zoro was waiting to catch him.

"You're the best, Torao!"

Whether it was on purpose or not, Luffy somehow managed to bounce right over top of the
whimpering World Noble, causing the asshole to squeal like a pig when one of Luffy's grubby feet
connected with his oversized jaw and nose. Nami would've been willing to bet good money that it
was intentional on his part, if the nasty little smirk on Luffy's face was to be trusted.

"Hey, I'm gonna get finished up here and then we'll be heading your way. Can you send your
coordinates to Nami?"

"Give me a few moments."

Nami scurried over to grab the mushi from her captain, not quite trusting him with something so
fragile when he was in his bounciest state. And to her relief, Luffy didn't argue with her about the
handover, his attention turning instead to the World Noble at his feet.

"You're lucky my husband and his crew are safe," said Luffy as he loomed over the sniveling man,
"Because if they weren't, then I was going to break every bone in your body into teeny, tiny pieces.
Like one of Sanji's fillets!"

Dissonant giggles popped out of Luffy every few seconds as he spoke, the World Noble's swollen
eyes widening with dread as he seemed to finally realize just who he was dealing with. Nami had
heard her fair share of the rumors that circulated about Luffy, some surprisingly accurate while
others made him out to be some type of vile, sadistic monster. Most of the latter stories came from
areas that had previously been under the World Government's yoke, too entrenched in propaganda
to know what was true and what was false in regards to the Pirate King.

Nami could imagine that these dimwitted fools had been fed such lies for so long that they couldn't
even see the truth when it was standing right in front of them. And with his Garp-like growth-spurt
firmly in place, Luffy could cut quite the intimidating figure nowadays just through his physical
stature and presence alone. It still felt kinda weird being more than a head shorter than her loud-
mouthed captain, not that Nami would ever admit that out loud.

"And now we just need to find where your buddies are," said Luffy with a serious nod. "Hey, Zoro,
think you can get them to talk? I don't want Torao to have to worry about being ambushed, you
know, just in case they need to surface for some reason before we get there."

"Does squealing count?"

"I don't really care, whatever you gotta do. One of them is bound to know about the other Nobles
and how we can get a hold of them."

"So, squealing it is then."

Zoro looked overjoyed at the prospect of torturing the pathetic excuse for a man in front of him,
while Robin and Sanji turned to face their own targets that were tied to the foremast. They'd
already sussed out who the slaves were and had moved all but one of them over to the Sunny, so it
was safe to assume that everyone left onboard the World Noble ship was in cahoots with hunting
down and killing Law.

"Perhaps a hand in the right place will help them remember the specifics," said Robin, lips pulled
up into a disturbing smirk. "Wouldn't you agree, Franky?"

"Trust me, buds, you don't want those hands on your special places when she's got that smile on her
super gorgeous face." Franky circled around the terrified Nobles and their crew like a shark, teeth
sharpened into serrated points that Arlong could be proud of. "Nope, not a chance in hell of your
little swimmers doing their job right once Robin is through with you."

The crew definitely understood what Franky was talking about, if their tightly clenched legs were
any indication. The five World Nobles, on the other hand, didn't seem to quite grasp the concept of
crushed nuts, blunt-force castration, or permanent impotence.

Franky leaned down to stare one of the lesser Nobles straight in the eyes. "That means no more
little inbred Nobles to continue on your bloodlines, capiche?"

Well, that certainly seemed to get their attention.

"You know, whoever told you guys it was a good idea to come after Torao was a real moron," said
Luffy while picking up the World Noble by the back of the neck. "Not only does it make me want
to rip all of your heads off, but Torao's probably gonna want to have some fun with you now, too.
He's so smart and strong, my Torao. He'll know just how to chop you guys up to make it really
uncomfortable—like you have a constant wedgie that won't go away—but also won't kill you."

While giving his little speech, Luffy had dragged the World Noble over to the far railing and was
now smiling at the snotty man like the incorrigible menace that he truly was. And then, with a
demented giggle of delight, Luffy's arm stretched nearly twenty feet backwards before sling-
shotting forwards—the World Noble firmly attached and screaming the entire time.

"Planning on catching some dinner for us, Captain?" asked Sanji.

"Maybe! He's plump enough to make good bait!"

"Well, it's been more than a week since our last catch of Sea King and my stores are getting a little
low." Sanji was circling around the hog-tied crew now, too. "Just try to make sure it's not one of
those bony ones, okay? We don't need you choking again."

"But those taste the best!"

"Yeah, well, it's not you who has to de-bone and cook them."

Luffy pouted at the rebuff, arm swinging back and forth over the open water like a super bendy
fishing rod. Nami tried not to smile when she heard the Noble shrieking and squealing with every
swing, the idiot finally catching on to what Luffy was planning to do with him.

"Nami? Are you there?"

"Oh, yes, I'm here. Just making sure Luffy doesn't do anything too drastic."

"Bepo's ready with our coordinates."

"Just give me a minute to get back to my office, okay? I'm still on the other ship."

"Nami! Don't go yet!"

A rubbery arm wrapped around Nami's waist and dragged her back over to Luffy's side, her captain
sticking his face right up to the mushi with a cheery smile. Resigned to her fate, Nami tried to
wriggle around into a more comfortable position, even pinching Luffy several times to get him to
loosen his grip. Honestly, her idiot captain had no sense of his own strength sometimes.

"I'll be seeing you in a little bit, okay, Torao?" It was kinda sweet, how concerned Luffy was for
his beloved yet incredibly capable and dangerous husband. "We just gotta finish taking all their
good treasure and catching some dinner and then we can be on our way. Alright?"

"We'll be fine, Luffy. You don't need to worry."

"I know, I know, but it's just... I don't know, I just gotta see you now. To make sure and
everything."

Nami felt a small lump form in her throat, the vulnerability in Luffy's voice just a little too much
for her to bear. She knew the reason behind Luffy's anxiety when it came to Law's safety, and it
led straight back to Ace and his entirely preventable death at Marineford. That horrific day still
weighed heavily on all of them and Nami couldn't begrudge her captain the fear of something
similar happening to Law. Even with the World Government and their allies in shambles, there was
still a massive target on the other man's back, thanks to that damned Devil Fruit of his.

And, of course, with what had happened to the Polar Tang just a few years ago...

Yes, it was for the best if they all met up as soon as possible.

Law let out a quiet sigh and then said, "Just don't do anything stupid, understand? Clione has us
well-hidden and we're fully stocked up on supplies, so don't rush into a hurricane or maelstrom or
anything."

"Excuse you, I would never allow that!"

"When has this idiot ever listened to your expert advice when he really, really wants something,
Nami?"

"Okay, good point."

Luffy blew out an annoyed breath and glared between her and the mushi.

"What? You know it's true."

The other pirate continued to pout, knowing all too well that his husband was speaking the truth.
Nami would've laughed at his ornery expression, but the sound of hysterical screaming caught her
attention instead.

"Ahhhhhhhh!"

While they'd been bickering with Law, a serpent-like Sea King had showed up and was now trying
to eat the World Noble that Luffy had been using as bait. The snotty asshole was flailing around
like a worm on a hook, which just seemed to further entice the hungry predator.

Eye twitching in annoyance, Luffy grumbled something unintelligible to himself before turning
around and shaking his extended arm in a wave-like motion that caused the Noble to shriek even
louder. Nami truly didn't understand how such a bloated little man could have such a high-pitched
scream.

"Would you shut up! I'm trying to talk to my husband here!"

Luffy's shaking was vicious enough that when he bonked the Sea King with his World Noble-
included fist, it knocked both the giant sea predator and the World Noble out cold.

"Ughhhh—hey, Zoro, I caught dinner!"

"Well, don't just stand there like an idiot," said Zoro as he readied his swords, "Reel it in."

Nami growled when she was all but dropped onto the ground, her captain salivating as he stretched
out his other arm to drag the Sea King in with. It was a pretty big one this time around and would
hopefully feed them for at least a week. No guarantee with Luffy's giant appetite, of course, but
Nami had a feeling that Luffy would be more willing than usual to make their food stores stretch if
it meant getting to Law more quickly. She was already anticipating a lot of harassment and whining
from him over the next few days.

"Oh, this looks tasty! Torao, I caught a huge one this time!"

"Congratulations," said Law with that famously dry tone of his. "Now try not to eat all of it before
getting here or you'll need to—"

"Wait, do you actually want some? Like, meat that I caught? Sanji!" hollered Luffy at the top of his
lungs. "We need to save some meat for Torao! Make sure that we don't eat all of it!"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not the rest of us that we need to keep an eye on, you moron."

"I didn't mean—"

"Just give it up while you're ahead," advised Nami as she made her way back towards the Sunny.
"He's pretty freaked out by this whole thing and is trying to be helpful however he can. If he wants
to catch you some fish, just go along with it, okay?"

The mushi sighed in response, its little body shrugging with fond exasperation. This wasn't the first
time that Luffy had tried to personally catch or prepare a meal for Law, and since the meat was
being handed right over to Sanji from the beginning, it also meant that food poisoning or a celiac
attack were unlikely to happen this time around, too.

Luffy had a weird habit of being very aggressive in wanting to give Law gifts from time to time,
such as three months ago when he'd insisted on finding a rare comic book for him. The Straw Hats
had traveled between ten different islands in the span of one week, Luffy having a full-blown
freak-out the day before they were due to meet up with Law and they still hadn't found the comic.
Nami had been one obnoxious whine away from bashing his head in when Sanji had taken them all
aside and explained his theory behind what was going on.

"I think I've found the problem," Sanji had said while slapping a pamphlet down on the table.
"This came with the News Coo the other week. I found it under Luffy's pillow when I went looking
for those lost dishes."

Nami had literally face-planted into the table when she'd read the title: Fifteen Ways to Keep Your
Spouse Happy and Healthy. Number eight of the list had involved gift-giving and providing, with
little notes scribbled in by Luffy himself to keep track of what Law would like the most and how
easy or difficult it would be to acquire each item. It was downright sweet, especially since all of the
potential gifts were very specific to Law's peculiar tastes: Sora comic books, rare coins, North Blue
mani mani, fluffy clothes, limited edition Sora figurines, an updated medical book on cardiac
conditions. All of these were things that a ridiculous, asocial nerd from the North Blue would
appreciate and love to receive as a surprise gift.
In the end, they'd managed to find the first edition Sora, Warrior of the Sea: Turbulent Waters on
the next island and Nami hadn't even complained about the high price-tag that the bookstore owner
had demanded. Yes, her knuckles had hurt while handing over the belis, but she hadn't said
anything as Luffy slipped the precious book into a protective cover and then cuddled it to his chest.
Parting with the belis had felt a little more tolerable after that.

"Okay, listen up, you guys," said Nami as she walked past Usopp and Brook. "You've got a half-
hour to get every bit of treasure off that ship. And I'll know if you miss anything. Now, hop to it!"

She ignored the melodramatic groans behind her and just focused on getting back to the Sunny's
observation room. Nami knew that as soon as her captain was no longer distracted by catching
dinner and tormenting World Nobles, he'd be breathing down her neck and asking every five
minutes, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And then she'd have to beat the shit out of him to
buy herself a few hours of peace.

Ugh, this was going to a long couple days.

 Chapter 2
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

"Luffy, would you please come down from there?"

"No."

"Sanji made your favorite pancakes."

"...No."

"Are you sure you don't want to at least try them?"

"..."

With a sigh of frustration, Nami turned to look at the darkening afternoon sky, arm hair standing
on end as lightning flashed in the distance. She wasn't too happy about sailing through this
particular section of the Grand Line; it was well-known for producing rogue waves and pop-up
storms with only a few minutes notice, and Nami could feel a nasty storm brewing right that
moment. Jimbei would need to change course in the next five minutes if they wanted to avoid the
worst of it.

She just hoped that it wasn't another White Strom like they'd dealt with last month. Those were
always a bitch to navigate around and resulted in some truly awful wear and tear on the ship.

"Okay, well, if you're not gonna come inside for pancakes, could you at least talk to your husband
about—"

Nami didn't even get to finish speaking before Luffy was standing right in front of her, hands on
her shoulders and eyes impossibly big as he wobbled back and forth from the momentum of
launching himself straight off of the Sunny's figurehead.

"Why didn't you tell me that Torao called?"

"Excuse me, I was going to tell you about his latest call," snapped Nami, "But then a certain
someone refused to come down from their favorite moping spot and eat meals with everybody else
like a reasonable adult."

"I would've if I'd known that Torao had called."

Since arguing with Luffy's logic just wasn't worth it at the best of times, Nami instead reached out
and grabbed him by the shoulder, effectively hauling the idiot towards the observation room with
little fuss. Of course, the only reason there was little fuss was because Luffy knew that that was
where Law's den-den mushi was resting, its distinctive eye-stalks drooping in between calls.

The poor thing looked even more tired than its raccoon-eyed owner most of the time.

"Okay, since it's too early in the morning for me to be dealing with your crap and we've got yet
another storm coming, I'm just gonna dump you here and let Law handle your issues. He did sign
up for this, after all."

"Works for me!"

Luffy bounced right on over to the little mushi, hands gently cupping it as he placed a call to his
husband. With that situation temporarily solved, Nami hurried over to the helm to assist Jimbei
with correcting their current course. A light drizzle had started coming down while she'd been
dealing with Luffy and time was of the essence if they wanted to avoid a potential maelstrom.

"How're we looking?" asked Nami. "Think we can skirt around it?"

"I can't give you a straight answer on that just yet," said Jimbei, "But I think we changed course
early enough that we should avoid the worst of it."

"Possible White Strom?"

"Likely."

Nami grimaced. "Shit, Franky just finished making repairs from the last one."

"Do we have a heading?"

It took a few minutes longer than she would've preferred, but Nami did eventually manage to set a
new course and navigate them around the worst section of the storm. She also didn't have to deal
with Luffy acting like a death-defying fool for once, either. It was certainly a nice change of pace;
she'd have to bribe him with a call from Law whenever they encountered bad weather from now
on.

"Keep the sails furled for a little while longer, Usopp! We've got one last burst of wind coming!"

"Aye, aye!"

"This might actually work out well for us," said Nami when she checked the log pose again. "The
storm blew us several miles due east, which means that we should meet up with the Hearts about
two hours earlier than expected."

"I'm sure the captain will be happy to hear that."

"So long as we can get those damned Nobles off the Sunny, I'll be happy about anything at this
point." Nami grimaced when she remembered her least favorite chore of the day. "Ugh, and
speaking of which, it's my turn to check up on those idiots next. I hate Noble duty."

Jimbei chuckled as he steered them through another large wave. "One of them nearly passed out
when they woke up and saw me last night. Screamed like a little fish at the sight of my lovely face.
Must've thought I was there for a midnight snack."

"I'm surprised that the pampered princess didn't just straight up piss himself."

"Well, considering the smell when I left..."

"Ewww!"

"I left a few cleaning supplies just inside the door."

Nami couldn't hold back a sardonic snort. "That was real thoughtful and kind of you, Jimbei, but I
wouldn't put too much stock in our guests knowing how to use them."

"I'd be amazed if they even knew how to wipe their own asses."

The sudden appearance of Sanji to her right almost gave Nami a heart attack, closed fist only
missing his head by mere inches as he skillfully ducked below it. He did look more than a little put
out by the rainy death of his cigarette, though.

"Since nobody else seems to have noticed, I figured that you might appreciate a heads-up on our
captain's current whereabouts." Sanji flicked his burnt out cigarette in the direction of the well
deck. "He disappeared down below about five minutes ago. Didn't look too bloodthirsty, but,
well..."

"Ugh, I know, I know."

"I suppose not even Law's sweet serenades about that new arterial graft technique of his was
enough to keep Luffy's attention this time around. Personally, I'd be just fine with letting Luffy
punch them all the way to the next island, but I also remember that suggestion being frowned upon
at our last meeting."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll go see what he's doing."

"Terrorizing them?"

"Stop encouraging him, Sanji. We don't need another hole in the hull like last time."

"I thought it was worth it."

Not bothering to dignify that with a response, Nami assured Jimbei that their current course would
bring them safely out of the storm in less than a half-hour and that he was to call for her
immediately if anything changed. With the helm left in capable hands, she grabbed a quick snack
from the kitchen and then headed below decks to do whatever damage control might be needed.

For the last five days, they'd mostly managed to keep Luffy away from the make-shift brig, except
for that incident on the first day when one of the World Nobles ran his damned mouth and almost
ended up losing his bulbous head. Franky had patched up the fist-shaped hole in less than three
minutes, but the episode also ended up with everyone else voting to permanently ban their captain
from watch duty.

Hoping that she wouldn't find yet another hole in their Adam Wood hull, Nami held her breath as
she opened the dead-bolted door and peeked inside to see... five grungy and very pathetic-looking
World Nobles.

And no Luffy.

Huh, well, that was certainly unexpected.

The only person in the brig besides her and the Nobles was Zoro, who'd had quite the manic gleam
in his eye when he'd volunteered for more shifts than anybody else. Only Luffy had objected to this
arrangement, and that was only because he thought that it was unfair for Zoro to have all the fun
with their prisoners. When Franky had pointed to the giant hole he'd just repaired, Luffy had
skulked off to grumble and whine and nurse his bruised ego with some day-old baguettes.

Nami herself had only taken one other shift so far, on the second afternoon. She'd completely
ignored the whining assholes through that whole shift, attention focused on the log pose and any
adjustments that might need to be made once she was top-side again. And although she wasn't
proud to admit it, Nami had relished in the morons' terror when she'd switched out with Zoro right
before dinner.

She supposed that the mosshead could be intimidating when he wanted to be. Go figure.
"How do you feel about taking another shift, Zoro?"

"Depends. You gotta good reason?"

"We're two hours ahead of schedule and should be meeting up with the Hearts in less than an hour
now. The Happo Navy and Barto Club should also be arriving sometime late this afternoon, too.
So, yeah, I kinda have more important things to do right now than babysit these inbred
troglodytes."

Zoro shrugged. "Sounds like a good reason to me. What's for dinner?"

"Chocolate chip pancakes."

"Ah, Luffy's favorite. He's gonna be a happy maniac tonight, that's for damned sure."

"Good thing there's an island nearby then."

The whole time she and Zoro were speaking, Nami made sure to keep a discreet eye on the World
Nobles and their reactions to this sudden information. The Straw Hats had purposely kept their
captives in the dark about where they were going and when they would arrive, preferring the
element of surprise if they encountered any other government vessels along the way to their final
destination. The freed slaves had been dropped off two days ago on a summer island that fell
within Luffy's territory, the mayor and other locals assuring the Pirate King that his new friends
would be housed and treated well until they decided where to go from there.

It was perhaps the only time Luffy had smiled in the last five days, aside from when he'd been
talking to Law. Even if the overall situation with Law's bounty was still grim, at least a small
handful of innocent people had managed to come out the better for it. Or so Nami had tried to tell
Luffy after they'd left the island behind. Almost anything was better than the life they'd been living
before, under the cruel whip of the World Nobles.

"We haven't partied with the Hearts in far too long, anyways. It'll be nice to see them."

One of the World Nobles made a snorting sound at this, which drew both Nami and Zoro's
attention to the brig's far left corner. This particular Noble was different than the others, much
quieter and unassuming. In fact, Nami was certain that she hadn't heard the older man say a single
word since they'd thrown the whole lot of them into the brig five days ago. It was more than a little
disconcerting.

Nami didn't like it.

These sanctimonious assholes had spent the better part of eight hundred years conquering,
pillaging, and enslaving the world, all while staunchly believing that they and only they were
chosen by the gods to rule over everybody else. It made Nami's blood boil, just thinking about how
many innocent people they'd tortured and killed during their millennia-long reign of terror.

And, if both Robin and Vegapunk's records had been correct, then almost every single past user of
the Ope-Ope Fruit had been forced to kill themselves so that a damned World Noble could attain
perpetual youth. These smug bastards had planned to do exactly that by kidnapping Bepo or
another one of the Hearts, to force Law's hand and make him choose between which lives meant
more to him.

She absolutely hated them for it.

"You know," Nami drawled while walking closer to the prison's bars, "Trying to kidnap and
murder one of the world's strongest and most notorious pirates has got to be pretty high on the
'Stupidest Things You Could Ever Think About Doing Meter'."

Everyone in the makeshift brig—excluding the old man—cowered when she said this. Good, they
needed to be scared.

"But honestly, trying to kidnap and murder the Pirate King's husband." Nami tut-tutted and just
shook her head at them "Well, now that's just gotta be number one on the Stupid Meter. And I
think all of you are about to find out why, right, Zoro?"

"It's gonna be an eventful night, that's for sure."

Nami pretended to be examining her fingernails, hand held out in front of her as she debated
whether to use a dark blue or deep purple polish this week. In reality, she was watching their
captives' reactions. She wanted to know how they would behave when hauled up-top for whatever
retribution Luffy or Law decided to dish out. From the looks on their faces, it appeared that at least
four of them would be hysterically screaming and crying as they finally faced some actual
consequences for their actions.

The fifth one, though... Nami still couldn't get a bead on him.

"I'll send Sanji down with some food and let you know when Luffy's ready for them, alright?"

"Hmmmm."

"Try not to fall asleep in the meantime. We don't need these idiots trying to escape and then
drowning before getting their just desserts."

"Mmmmmm."

"Ugh, whatever. I hope they shove a pencil up your nose."

"Hmmmhmmm."

Nami didn't dignify this incoherent mumbling with a response, instead preferring to flick Zoro
upside the head and then march out of the brig without a backward glance. The lunkhead's cursing
was cut off by her closing the door, and Nami probably would've laughed out loud at his
misfortune if a seemingly detached head hadn't suddenly appeared right in front of her.

She punched it.

"Owwww! Naaaaaami! What was that for?!"

"You scared me, you idiot!"

"I didn't mean to! And besides, I was just hanging here and then you punched me!"

Well, there was certainly no way to argue around the hanging part. Luffy was quite literally
wrapped around the Sunny's narrow rafters like a bungee cord, neck stretched out to grotesque
proportions as it swung back and forth in front of her. How long had he been up there?!

"You're supposed to be talking to Law!"

Luffy's dangling head gave a pathetic pout. "He said that he had captain-y things to do. And then
hung up on me."
She punched him again.

"Ouuuuuch! What the hell, I didn't do anything?!"

"My blood pressure's really high, so I needed to punch something to make it go down and you
deserved it."

"No, I didn't!"

"Do you wanna get punched again?"

"No!"

"Then get down here and talk to me like a normal person."

"Ugh, fine."

For all his absurd idiocy, watching Luffy uncurl from around the rafters was a thing of strange
beauty. By all standards, Nami knew that the human body shouldn't be able to move or twist into
the bizarre contortions that Luffy always made look so easy, but being around her captain on a
regular basis also tended to distort one's view of the traditional norm.

"Thank you. Now, do we need to worry about another hole in our ship?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"I never planned to go inside," said Luffy, voice honest and truthful. "And I know that Zoro has
them handled just fine. I'm just... tired of waiting, you know? It's driving me nuts, all this waiting
and doing nothing."

Nami gave him a small, understanding smile and looped her arm through Luffy's elbow, gently
guiding him towards the stairs that led up to the main deck. She knew that Luffy wasn't being
unnecessarily possessive or overbearing in this instance; Law's bounty was a persistent problem
that still reared its ugly head from time to time, often when their crews were on completely
different parts of the Grand Line. It would be more odd if Luffy wasn't upset by this, considering
what had happened with Imu and the World Government seven years ago.

"Well, you won't have to wait much longer," said Nami, "Because if my log pose is correct—and it
always is—then we should be coming up on the Tang in less than thirty or so minutes. That storm
blew us several hours ahead of schedule, so we should arrive just in time to have dinner with the
Hearts."

Luffy's eyes literally bugged out of his head with excitement, all traces of melancholy and upset
forgotten in the face of getting to share dinner with his husband. And that was still a bizarre and
novel thought, of Luffy being willing to share food with anyone.

"Ohhhhhhh, it's pancake day! Torao always loves Sanji's pancakes!"

"Hey, knock it off! You're gonna—"

The floor shifted beneath her feet, causing Nami to fall backwards and nearly brain herself on the
stairs. Her fist automatically whipped out and clocked Luffy hard across the head, which bounced
off the walls like some kind of demented ball. Ugh, she really hated these involuntary
transformations of his.

"Whoops! Sorry!"

If Nami had been able to stand on two feet, she would've kicked him in the head, too. Despite what
Usopp and Chopper might think, it's wasn't much fun when the Sunny was randomly turned into a
glorified trampoline. She understood that it was sometimes difficult for Luffy to keep Gear Five
under control when he was overwrought or emotional, but he really needed to stop it with the
whole turning-the-floor-to-rubber thing.

"Luffy!"

"I didn't mean to! It just happens sometimes, I swear!"

"Just walk your butt upstairs! Now!"

With a dramatic pout, Luffy did as he was told and catapulted up the stairs like the juvenile
delinquent that he very much still was. All Nami did was the pinch the bridge of her nose and
follow him up to the main deck; he technically did do as she asked, so she couldn't even yell at him
about it. Besides, she was tired and couldn't wait to just hand him over to Law for a few days.

"Jimbei! We're almost there!"

"Hahaha, yes, I know, Captain. The Grand Line actually seems to on our side for once."

"What's the nearby island again?"

"Leville. It's an autumn island with lots of forests and lakes," said Jimbei. "Also renowned for its
watchmakers and prize walnut harvests. And I'd imagine a very nice place to celebrate someone's
birthday."

"I've got a plan for that," Luffy declared, hands on his hips and face serious. "And I even have a
present, too. Robin helped me pick it out. Right, Robin?"

"Torao's going to love it."

As Luffy went through a list of everything he wanted to do with Torao over the next week, Nami
went up to the observation room to establish contact with the Polar Tang. Law's droopy lil' mushi
was sound asleep on her navigation table, lovingly placed on a soft cushion pillow by the captain
himself. It was both comical and sweet, how Luffy tried to pamper their primary source of
communication with his husband.

The Hearts picked up on the third ring.

Even though Nami loved her own crew dearly, she was willing to admit that the competency of
Law's crew was something that she did envy from time to time. Unlike the Straw Hats, most of the
Hearts were at least halfway decent when it came to navigation and wayfaring, which meant that
she didn't need to wait for Clione to run off and find another crew member to help him.

It only took two minutes for them to hammer out the coordinates and then decide on a meeting spot
along Leville's southern coastline. Technically, the island was within Luffy's proclaimed territory,
so the locals shouldn't put up too much of a stink when several pirate ships decided to set up shop
for a couple days. The Straw Hats tended to take a fairly hands-off philosophy when it came to the
islands that were under their protection, and that usually resulted in the locals not paying them too
much mind whenever they passed through.
Well, except for the giant parties, of course. Those always tended to attract a lot of attention,
especially in recent years when so many of Luffy's territories were vying to stay on the Pirate
King's good side. Little did they know that all it took was a few dishes of well-cooked meat and a
benevolent smile to make a life-long friend out of the world's most notorious pirate.

"—and Sanji can make a fancy walnut cake with no glue in it!"

"Whoa, slow down there, loverboy," came Sanji's voice as she walked back down to the main desk,
"I'll have to clear that with Clione and Eider first. They always like to make the main cake. I just
give assistance wherever it's needed."

"How about we all just focus on meeting up with the Hearts first," Nami suggested. "Any sight of
the island yet, Jimbei?"

"Just a speck. Though we should have a clearer view in another minute or so."

Luffy nearly barreled over Usopp and Brook in his rush to jump atop the Sunny's figurehead, hands
cupped around his eyes like a pair of makeshift—okay, scratch that, his eyes had just bugged out
into organic binoculars. Yeah, Nami was pretty much done for the day. The week. The whole
damned month. Honestly, what she really needed was a year-long vacation, far away from the
insanity that was her own crew.

"Ohhhhhh, I see it! I can see the Tang!"

The whole ship shook for a moment as Luffy jumped up, down, and then up what must've been
several hundred feet into the air, body hurtling towards the sun until all Nami could see was a
speck in the afternoon sky. Ugh, she really hoped that he actually landed on the sub this time. The
Hearts weren't gonna be happy if they had to fish him out of the water again.

"And that's our cue to hurry up," sighed Sanji. "I'll be in the kitchen, but let me know if the Hearts
need help fishing Luffy out of the sea."

"I'll get the net ready," said Usopp, "Just in case."

Robin walked over to the taffrail with a wide smile. "Oh, it's always so much fun to see where he
lands. Maybe a Sea King will think he's bait?"

"Stop that! No creepy! We don't need any more creepy around here!"

"You do realize that we're about to meet up with the Heart Pirates, right?" said Franky from where
he was adjusting the foremast's rigging. "They're pretty much the textbook definition of creepy,
especially Law. Goofy and awkward, but also very creepy."

"Don't remind me."

With a shake of her head, Nami walked over to stand beside Jimbei and watched as the familiar
yellow of the rebuilt Polar Tang slowly came into sight. Luffy must've landed on the deck just fine
because when they finally came up beside the submarine, their captain was quite firmly wrapped
around his husband like a human eel. For his part, Law looked remarkably unbothered by this, face
impassive and back straight as he spoke with Penguin and Shachi about where they should more
permanently dock.

Nami couldn't help but be impressed; her captain was no lightweight nowadays.

Both crews greeted each other with happy waves and smiles, the Straw Hats especially relieved that
nobody had managed to ambush the Hearts before they got a chance to meet up. Considering past
events, it was a valid concern, whether Law liked to admit it or not.

"Hey, it's really good to see you guys," said Nami once their ships were side by side. "We were all
really worried. Especially Luffy."

Ikkaku snorted. "Yeah, we can definitely see that."

The three of them looked over to admire the rather impressive entanglement that was their crazy
captains. Luffy was still tightly coiled around Law from the knees to the shoulders, noodly neck
and head resting on the other's shoulder with a big, goofy, contented smile. It was kinda cute and
sweet, how comfortable the oddball pair were with each other.

"Captain didn't duck quickly enough when Luffy came careening out of the sky," said Wharf with a
tired headshake. "Nearly knocked both of them straight into the water. Thankfully, Jean Bart was
able to catch them before they went over the rails."

"Well, I can't say I'm surprised. He's been driving us crazy all week."

"Do you still have the Nobles onboard?"

Nami nodded.

"Good, 'cause the Captain said that he's got a special punishment planned for them."

"Uh huh, he says it's the worst!"

"Those are pretty scary words, coming from him," Nami admitted. "Any idea what it is he's
planning to do?"

Ikkaku shrugged. "He hasn't told any of us, not even Bepo. Must be pretty nasty, though. He had
that toothy smile when he said it. You know the one."

"Oh, do I ever."

Punk Hazard was not a time of good memories for Nami, and Law was one of the main reasons
why. He could certainly be quite the sadistic jerk when he put his mind to it, that was for damned
sure.

"Gotta admit, I'm kinda looking forward to it."

They were able to dock at a small harbor town about two miles up the coast, the mayor
enthusiastically welcoming the Pirate King and his allies to their humble home. It was the middle
of walnut harvest season, so the locals were happy to host them for a few days if they assisted with
part of the collection process. And, as was often the case, Law and Chopper offered their medical
expertise and services to the local clinic, specifically for their most critical cases.

"One case of congenital pulmonary valve atresia. Two cases of non-specified lymphoma. One case
of leukocyte adhesion deficiency. Five cases of lung carcinoma that are likely linked to
environmental exposures. And one case of classical amyotrophic lateral sclerosis with limb onset,"
Law recited from the local doctor's patient list. "Without use of the Ope-Ope Fruit, these are the
cases that I'd designate as terminal with a poor five-year survival rate."

Nami popped a candied walnut into her mouth. They were really good.
"I'll be leaving the rest of the second page's cases to you, Tony-ya. Your pharmacology skills are
second to none."

"Awww, you don't mean that, you no-good liar."

"We'll want to stagger the surgeries," said Law, brow furrowed and pencil gripped between his
teeth. "Initial recovery time shouldn't take more than two hours for most, but their bodies may
require several weeks or months to adapt to the sudden changes. I'll assess their pre-op conditions
tomorrow and determine what medications might work best for initial post-op and long-term
recovery. We can cross-reference before implementation, if that's alright with you, Tony-ya?"

"Toooooorao!"

"Yes?"

"Can you pleeeeeease stop being a doctor for five minutes and help me beat the snot outta those
stupid Nobles? I've been quiet and well-behaved just like you asked," said Luffy in the whiniest
voice possible. He was still curled around Law's lower half, albeit loose enough to allow Law's
arms some degree of movement. "I even left the bakery alone! That's gotta count for something."

"Have the others arrived yet?"

Luffy's neck stretched about thirty feet up into the air, eyes bugging out to become organic
binoculars so that he could see all around the harbor. A happy shout was all they needed to know
the answer to Law's question.

"They're here!"

"Well," said Law with a creepy smile, "Let's go greet them then."

It only took them a few minutes to reach the harbor, both crews watching as the Happo Navy's
flagship and the Going Luffy came in to dock. Nami was pretty sure that the only reason the latter
had managed to find them was thanks to the former, who they'd apparently been following around
for at least two weeks now. Both had intercepted several World Noble-owned ships in the region,
which Nami suspected had been specifically hunting for Law and his crew.

She had a feeling that they were going to regret ever seeking out that accursed Fruit.

The locals were clearly nervous about having so many different pirate crews in their little town at
once, but Luffy assured them that nobody would cause any problems so long as he was there. The
Pirate King's protection was absolute, including from those that were declared members of his
Grand Fleet. Luffy's territories were supposed to be safe havens for their inhabitants, and Luffy was
more than willing to enforce that rule on anybody who defied it.

"Hey, Rooster!"

Bartolomeo probably would've exploded with happiness... if he hadn't walked right off of his own
ship and into the water first.

Ugh, not again.

"Oh no, Boss, we're coming for you!"

While the Barto Club was fishing their captain out of the harbor, the Straw Hats and Hearts greeted
Don Sai and his crew as they disembarked their flagship without falling to their watery deaths. And
as usual, it was downright comical to watch Baby-5 harass and pester Law. Anyone with eyes
could clearly see that the poor girl was seeking his approval, whole expression dropping whenever
Law said anything that was just a little too mean or brusque. Nami theorized that the needy
behavior was due to their shared time growing up in the Donquixote Family; Baby-5 obviously
viewed Law as a pseudo-older brother and tended to act accordingly.

"Stop your damned poking," Law hissed. "And leave my hat alone."

"I wouldn't be poking if you'd just try this on," said Baby-5 with a huff. "It'll help with those
racoon-eyes of yours. Honestly, you need to get more sleep, it's not healthy."

"Excuse me, I get plenty of—"

"Seriously, Straw Hat, what have you been doing to this poor man? And would you just hold still,
all I need to—"

"No! Get that away from me or I'll—"

"Stop being so melodramatic! This stuff isn't just meant for women, it'll make you look so much
—"

"I don't care how I look!"

"Well, don't we all know that. Now, c'mon, just a few dabs will—"

"Shambles!"

Nami wasn't sure what was funnier: that Luffy and Sai ignored their bickering spouses like this was
a completely normal occurrence, or that Baby-5 recovered so quickly from being teleported
halfway across the town. It was truly admirable how fast she was able to blast herself back to the
harbor, stick of makeup highlighter brandished like a deadly weapon while Law puffed up and
pulled off the perfect imitation of an offended cat.

What a show...

"Luffy!"

"Hmmm, what's wrong? We were just about to—"

"Tell Bartolomeo that the World Nobles are his to torture however he sees fit," snapped Law. He
was taking cautious steps away from an advancing Baby-5. "String 'em, waterboard 'em, talk 'em to
death, I don't care. Just tell him to do it."

Usopp looked at him in disbelief. "Wait, that's your special punishment that's supposed to be worse
than death?"

"Can you think of anything worse?"

Everyone seemed to pause for a moment, brains running through various scenarios that could
potentially be worse than Bartolomeo and his crew following Luffy's orders on torturing someone
in the most creative ways possible.

Luffy. Giving. Bart. Orders. To. Torment. Someone.

And... yes, Law definitely had a good point there. Bart was a very, very annoying and brutish
person at the best of times, and if Luffy were to order him to do terrible things...
Nami could certainly see the appeal.

"The man's got a point," Franky admitted. "Bart's basically an attack dog on a leash. If Luffy were
to actually let him off it, and with a declared purpose... Not someone I'd want to be the target of,
that's for sure."

"Oh, this is going to be interesting!" said Robin with an excited clap. "Rooster can be quite creative
when he puts his mind to it."

"I have a feeling that pliers and toes are gonna be involved in this."

By the time the Barto Club had finally recovered their floundering captain, Baby-5 was headless,
Law had a leg-gun pointed at his face, and everybody else was enjoying the bizarre spectacle of a
Devil Fruit sibling fight. Nami considered the whole thing to be an indictment of Doflamingo's
shitty parenting skills. It was little wonder that Law and Baby-5 had so many hang-ups and self-
esteem issues, after having someone like Doflamingo as a father-figure in their teen years.
Honestly, the world was lucky that neither kid had turned out to be a psychopathic serial killer or
worse.

"Rooster! Can I ask you a favor?"

Wow, umm, Bart looked like he was going to combust. Seriously, his head quite literally looked
like it'd caught fire or something. What the hell, was that normal for him?!

"Anything for you, Mister Luffy! Oh, I'm not worthy of such an honor! Oh god, I think I'm about
to—"

"Yeah, yeah, could you beat the shit outta some World Nobles for me?" asked Luffy, eyes darting
back and forth between Bart and his increasingly disgruntled husband. "I'd do it myself, but Torao
thought this would be a better punishment and he's their target, so, yeah, he gets the final say in
what we do with them. Just make sure to be creative about it, okay? They wanted to kill my
husband and I really don't appreciate that."

Bart was adding a whole new meaning to the term starry-eyed. She was surprised that he hadn't
passed out from excitement yet.

"Really, Mister Luffy? Do you really mean it? I'm not dreaming, am I?"

"Ugh, no? I mean, the World Nobles are still on both ships," said Luffy, as if this should've been
obvious. "They wanted to kidnap one of Torao's crew and then force him to perform that stupid
immaturity surgery thing of his. That would've killed him. As I said, I would've liked to have beat
the shit outta them myself, but Torao thought letting you do whatever you want with them would
be a special punishment."

Luffy looked extremely put-out by this admission, while Bart looked like he was about to start
sobbing. The over-emotional man usually wasn't too fond of Law, but today of all days, he seemed
to be looking for his idol's grumpy husband and was... unable to find him.

"The coward Shambled himself outta here like the pathetic lil' rat that he is," said Baby-5's head,
which was now perched atop a nearby barrel. "And he really does need to try a new brand of
eyeliner. The old one just isn't working for him anymore."

Nami agreed.

"So, Rooster, think you can do it?"

"Yes, yes, Mister Luffy! Thank you so much for putting your trust in me!" yelled Bart through a
waterfall of tears. "I'll come up with the most creative and innovative ways possible to torture
them, I promise! It'll go down in the history books as the most ingenious beatdown ever!"

"That's great, thanks, Rooster!"

Nami couldn't help but roll her eyes when the other captain broke down into sobs yet again. She
always found it ironic how people like Boa Hancock and the Barto Club were more obsessed and
worshipful of Luffy than his own husband or crew were. It really made her question their sanity at
times.

"I'm gonna go find Torao, okay?"

"Go ahead, we can make sure that the Nobles are handled," said Nami with a wave of her hand.
"And for god's sake, play nice. We don't need half the island wanting to kick us out on the first
day. They haven't even fed us yet."

"Shishishi, I bet that's where Torao went," said Luffy. "He must be hungry!"

Luffy's eyes flashed, a sure sign that he was using his Observation Haki to track down Law. And
with his attention focused on finding where Law had run off to, he didn't notice the line of Barto
Club members who were prostrate behind him, foreheads touching the ground in deep bows as
Luffy paced back and forth with his nose in the air. Why he always did that weird sniffing thing
was beyond Nami, but she supposed it did lend some credence to the overall act.

"Ah, I found him!"

The World Nobles were just being dragged out of the brigs when Luffy took off at top speed,
leaving a literal cloud of dust behind as he headed towards the western side of town. Personally,
Nami didn't want to be there when they started their inevitable chase. The couple had been
separated for eight weeks and that usually led to some... questionable behavior that Nami preferred
not to see or hear. A prude she was not, but one could only see their captain's moonlit derriere a
certain number of times before it became permanently seared into their mind's eye.

"Hey! Where the hell's Law? Some warning would've been nice!"

Zoro was standing at the Sunny's taffrail, face twisted into a scowl as he hauled the—ah, so that
was the problem. It would seem that the World Nobles had no heads.

"Ohhhhh, and they're already headless!" shrieked Bart joyously. "Are the heads onboard or do we
have to find them?"

"Ugh, I'm not sure. I don't see them."

"It's like a puzzle then."

"Whatever you say," grumbled Zoro. "Just get over here and take 'em. I'm sick of their whining and
sniveling. It's pathetic."

"Oh, thank you, Mister Zoro! We'll take care of 'em, I promise!"

"Stop bowing, it's annoying."

"Your wish is my command, Mister Zoro! Just let me know if there's anything you want us to—"
 "Shut up."

Across town in the restaurant district, an ecstatic shout and explosion of Haki signaled that Luffy
had found exactly what he was looking for. And Nami...well, Nami needed a drink.

Chapter End Notes

Law literally believes that being left to Bart is the worst punishment imaginable. All
that debate about what to do with them and Law's just like, "Hand them over to Bart
and his minions. Nothing in this world could be crueler. Toodles, I'm gonna go eat
some onigiri and get chased by my husband. Have fun!" The man has priorities and is
used to being hunted, so it's nice to hand the job over sometimes.

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