Where your work meets your life.

Early Career
How to Emotionally Process
a Layoff
by Shyamli Rathore
February 14, 2023

HBR Staff; Boris Zhitkov/Getty Images

Summary. Experiencing a layoff can take an emotional toll, especially if you

derive a lot of meaning and purpose from work. To move on, it’s critical to process
your emotions. The author shares three strategies that can help you cope with the
emotional impacts of a... more
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“I am so sorry Shyamli, but we will not be able to extend your
contract. We’re expecting you to wrap up your assignments and
leave by the end of the year,” the disembodied voice of my
manager trailed off the Skype call. On an autumn afternoon in
2011, I was told that I was being let go. In the moment, contrary to
my expectations, I felt relieved. I’d been disengaged and anxious
at work for the past few months, and this layoff, I assured myself,
was going to be the end of my debilitating anxiety.

However, in less than a week, this relief started to fade and I was
engulfed by anger, shame, and a mounting sense of inadequacy.
The days after my layoff were the hardest. I was stuck in a
negative self-talk loop: “Why me? Was I really so bad? What a
loser!” The weeks that followed helped me sit with my emotions,
and I realized that my professional identity was central to my
sense of self. Not waking up to a “job” each morning felt like a
personal loss. I kept asking myself: “If I wasn’t a professional, who
was I?”

Feeling threatened about our sense of self or identity, especially in

the face of a layoff is not uncommon. Most of us define ourselves
by our professional identities. In fact, research shows that nearly
55% of U.S. professionals derive their sense of identity from their
jobs. It’s not surprising that many of us go through a tumultuous
emotional experience when we lose the very thing that we use to
define ourselves.

Research also shows that how we bounce back from a job loss is
closely related to how we process it. This “processing” is not about
planning out the next steps of our careers. Rather, it’s about
sitting with ourselves, paying attention to our feelings, re-
evaluating our learnings from past experiences, and then figuring
out our next steps. This takes time, effort, and most of all, a lot of
patience.

In my case, I took a month to come to terms with how I really felt.

I’d always dreamed of starting my own leadership consulting
practice but was too afraid to do so. After speaking with mentors,
friends, and ex-colleagues, as well as doing some deep
introspection, I finally found the validation and clarity I needed
to explore my entrepreneurial side.

One decade later, I have a successful leadership consulting

practice. Based on my experience, here are three strategies — I
call them “ABC” — to emotionally process a layoff, and planning
your next steps.

A: Accept your story, but don’t let it define you.

When I was let go, I started journaling daily. I would write how I
felt when I was gripped by negative emotions. The process of
writing was cathartic, and it helped me analyze my situation more
objectively.

Through the process, I learned that I tend to set very high

expectations for myself and have a hard time accepting failures,
even if my goals aren’t aligned with my values. For instance, upon
reflection, I realized my former job had stopped feeling
meaningful to me. I had let a fancy title and good compensation
take over other, more important priorities, like work-life balance,
flexibility, and autonomy. The more I wrote about how that job
made me feel, the more I realized that it hadn’t really fulfilled me.

Second, writing helped me navigate the negative feelings I felt for

my former boss. When I reflected upon the feedback I’d received
from my manager without the pressure of performing, I realized
that they were right: I had a lot of room for growth and
improvement, particularly when it came to managing teams. This
helped me stop feeling like a “victim” and focus on becoming
more honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses.
If you’ve recently been affected by a layoff, take out time for
introspection. If journaling isn’t your thing, try other exercises
that allow you to zone out and reflect: recording voice notes,
doodling, or even gardening. The goal is to spend some time
thinking about what you’re feeling, what stories you’re telling
yourself about your layoff, and how you want those stories to
change.

Here are some questions to think about:

What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way?

How do I feel about my former boss, organization, and

colleagues?

What is the story I’m telling myself about the layoff? Am I

taking the blame for being laid off? Or am I able to see the
full reality of the situation, like the economic times we’re in,
the financial health of the organization, and the growth
opportunities of my role within the organization?

What part of this story is no longer serving me? What do I

need to let go?

What do I want for myself next? What role or career do I see

myself in? What excites me, and what doesn’t?

What actions or resources do I need to make this happen?

As you think more, you’ll begin to understand that a layoff is

rarely about your abilities and talent. More often, it’s about a
company’s decision to reallocate resources or cut down costs —
and they’re probably having a hard time making this decision.
That said, a layoff doesn’t have to make you feel powerless and
isolated. Let it become a powerful moment of self-reflection and
learning.
B: Build a strong support system.
My friends, family, and mentors were my biggest supporters, and
held me in grace during that difficult time. As my initial reactions
subsided, I found the courage to reach out to many of my ex-
colleagues to get their candid feedback. I also sought counsel
from friends and mentors who’d known me for years to
understand how they perceived my professional behaviors and
attitudes. Reaching out helped me slowly build my lost
confidence, identify my blind spots, and figure out ways to plan
my next move.

Having a strong network of people that you can emotionally

depend on is critical at any stage of life, but especially crucial in
your early years. This support system can help you in so many
ways — some may give you a shoulder to cry on while others give
you sage advice to move forward in life or become potential
employers. No matter what support you seek, know that you don’t
have to go through this journey alone.

If you’re affected by a layoff, think about: Who is your trusted

circle of advisors? These could include your friends, ex-
colleagues, peers, or mentors. Who, among them, can give you
honest feedback? Getting an outsider’s perspective on your
situation can help you distance yourself emotionally, and assess
what new opportunities a job loss can bring. Often, having a
heartfelt conversation with a friend or a loved one is the
motivation you need to spur action. As you reach out to others,
here are a few questions you can ask them:

What do you see as my strengths and weaknesses?

What are some behaviors or attitudes that you think hold

me back?

In the time that you’ve known me, what would you say I’ve
improved on the most? What are some areas or skills that I
need to work on?
 How easy or difficult am I to work with as a professional?
What can I get better at?

I’m thinking about exploring X, Y, Z industry or field. Based

on your experience in the field, what do you think of this
plan? Do you have people in your network that you can
connect me with?

As you have these conversations, you might notice a few themes

emerging about yourself: who you are seen as, what your
strengths are, and where you need to grow.

C:life.Consciously build an identity beyond your professional

Research says that people who tie their core identity to their work
are likely to experience higher rates of depression and burnout,
especially when they encounter change (such as a layoff or a
threat of job loss). That’s why it’s important to constantly remind
yourself that you’re more than a title or a job. Think of yourself as
a healthy financial portfolio. Just like you’re advised to diversify
your portfolio to manage risks, it’s important to diversify your life.
Work is one part of it. But what, outside of work, makes you, you?

A few weeks into journaling, I started making a list of all my

achievements and successes in life. I reminded myself about the
time I became a prefect (aka class president) in high school. I
reminded myself about working hard to get into one of the best
colleges in the country. I also reminded myself of how I had the
courage to walk out of a difficult marriage with no financial
security and rebuild my life as a single parent. Spending time
reflecting on my strengths gave me the courage I needed to move
forward. I knew I had confidence, I just had to remind myself that
I did.

Reliving all those moments brought into focus that I was already a
successful person in many areas of my life. I didn’t need a big job
title to validate my abilities. Work was one of several things that
gave me joy — not the only one.
My advice is to use self-talk to tell yourself that you’ve overcome
difficult situations in life before, and you can do it again. When
you reflect on your past moments of resilience, you can zoom into
your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Believing that you
are invaluable, beyond your work, is key to building a healthy and
sustainable career.

Here are some questions that can help you appreciate your full
self:

What are some of the most challenging moments I’ve

overcome in life? How do I feel about myself as I think back
on these moments?

What are some compliments I’ve received from those

around me, especially my loved ones? What abilities and
strengths of mine are reflected in these compliments?

What are a few talents or strengths that make me unique

from others?

What things outside of work do I value? Relationships,

volunteer work, hobbies?

How important are these non-work activities to my

emotional and mental well-being?

If I could spend time outside of work to pursue a few of

these activities, what would I choose, and why?

Finally, know that coping with your emotions after a layoff is a

continuous process. You don’t have to lose your job to introspect
and remind yourself about the value you bring. Any time you face
a difficult moment in life, take the time to introspect, connect
with your loved ones, and engage in positive self-talk can help you
lift yourself up.
 Shyamli Rathore is a leadership coach and
facilitator for world’s largest CEO network –
YPO. She facilitates workshops for CEOs across
the globe on personal growth and authenticity.
Shyamli is also a senior moderator with
Harvard Business Publishing. She founded
Sidman Learning Solutions – a leadership
development training firm – in 2011 which
offers a suite of customized leadership
development initiatives for senior business
leaders.

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