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    99 views301 pages

    Bullets Over Broadway The Musical

    Uploaded by

    TotalSweetiEthi

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
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    of 301
    LrpretTo VocaL Book OVIER rom Vy THE MUSICAL GO Written by Woody Allen Based upon the Screenplay of the Film BULLETS OVER BROADWAY by Woody Allen and Douglas McGrath Original Direction and Choreography by Susan Stroman NOTICE: DO NOT DEFACE! Should you find it necessary to mark eves or cus, use a sof black lead pencil only. NOT FOR SALE This book is rented for the period specified in your contract It remoins the property of (MTI MUSIC LIBRARY 31A INDUSTRIAL PARK ROAD ns NEW HARTFORD, CT 06057 New Yok NI IOOTP (22) sea LiprRetto Vocat Book pu aS 00) 7 32) yn VG ~~ —@ THE MUSICAL C 7 Written by Woody Allen Based upon the Screenplay of the Film BULLETS OVER BROADWAY by Woody Allen and Douglas McGrath Original Direction and Choreography by Susan Stroman NOTICE DO NOT DEFACE Should you find it necessary to mark eves or cus, use a soft black lead pencil only NOT FOR SALE “This book is rented for the period specified in your contract. It remains the property of y PLEASE RETURN ALL MATERIALSTO: MTI MUSIC LIBRARY 314 INDUSTRIAL PARK ROAD ‘MosteTaaree reaonar NEW HARTFORD, CT 06057 (2754-464 Book © 2014, Woody Allen (See “Appendix A” for Music Credits) All Rights Reserved {mn accordance withthe terms and conditions specified in your performance Heense, all music, lyrics and dialogue contained herein are the property ofthe Authors and are fully protected by copyright. You are not permitted to make any changes to the music, Iris or dialogue of the lay, including the interpolation of mew material antfor the exclusion of existing ‘material. Any changes shall constitute a willl infringement of aid copyright anu zeill subject you to al the criminal penalties and civil liabilities under the United States Copyright Act. This book may not be duplicated and must be returned at the conclusion of your production. This Pay isthe property ofits Authors. Remember, you have rented these materials and ben granted a performance license. You may not duplicate any portion of these materials, disseminate them im any tony, ie whole or in part, Including electronic or digital transmission and posting on the Internet, or use them for performances other than those specified in your license agreement. Foderal Copyright Law specifically prohibits the public performance ofthe enclosed material without a performance license, MTVs delivery of the enclosed material does not authorize you or your group to perform the enclosed shoe(S) in any ‘manner whatsoever. For example, it does not matter whether your audience pays for their tickets or not i doesnot matter if your group i8 school or not. The ato requires you to obtain a license prior to performing the enclosed material For further information regarding the severity of the punishments for wilful infringement of copyright, please visit war copyright go. Music Tararee INTERNATIONAL 421 West 54th Street New York NY 10019 (212) 541-4684 www.MTIShows.com ‘Music THEATRE INTERNATIONAL (Last Revised ~ September 2016) icense tors and we of the esting ghtand United of your erented sate any in part, t nelosed naterial in any ce pays The law willl ONAL CHARACTERS DAVID SHAYNE cueecet HELEN SINCLAIR NICK VALENTI OLIVE NEAL ELLEN WARNER PURCELL EDEN BRENT JULIAN MARX, SHELDON FLENDER Kay HOTDOG MAN JOsETE MITCH LORNA vioLer HILDA MARX TRAIN CONDUCTOR THE ATTA.GIRLS, GANGSTERS, BOHEMIAN FRIENDS, COTTON CLUB DANCERS, FLAPPERS, ‘THE FOUR FRANKS, THE RED CAPS, et, MUSICAL NUMBERS ; Da. Tiger Rag Tag ‘ i 3. Gee, Baby, Ain't I Good To You NICK, OLIVE, ATTA-GIRLS, DAVID, ELLEN...6 14, [Be Glad When You'te Dead (You Rascal You). ATTAGIRLS...59 4. Apex Bos tt 5. us ty Naughy Sete Give Me a 6. “Tat a Nigh nt SGANGSTERS..16 ra. Hot Dog—Payot 2s 8 Ge, aby, Als Good io Yup tek. fa, Helen » 9. Tey Go Wil, Simply Wd, Over Me HELEN, MAR. 30 Sa, They Gold Repise Masx..33 11. fm Siting On Top of the World Part 1 DAVID, WARNER, EDEN...36 414. 1'm Siting On Top ofthe World —Past 2 29 sb. Sting Tp of he Wold—Part DAVID, ACTORS. | ie fm Siting Om Topo he Wold —Par DAVID, HORUS. 43 : 12. Let's Misbehave WARNER, OLIVE....51 i stn tats Matetave—Tog se 18, There's A Broken Hea For Ever Light On Bea... HELEN, DAVID. 4 | Nightclub Incidental a 15, Here Comes The Hot Tamale Man. 6 16, “ain't Nobody's Biz-ness IF Do (CHEECH, GANGSTERS...67 7. Act 1 Finale Runnin’ Wile RED CAS, OLIVE, WARNER, EDEN NICK, ALDO, ROCCO, HELEN, DAVID, CHEECH...70 Act? 7 1, Enir‘acte, (cHORUS...78 pare 19, There's A New Day Comin EDEN, WARNER, HELEN, OLIVE, CHEECH, DAVID...79 4 19a. There’s A New Day Comin’ Tag EDEN, DAVID...82 rns, ia 20, Ther‘ Be Some Changes Made.......CHEECH, WARNER, GANGSTERS... 85 a 21. 1 Ain't Gonna Play No Second Fiddle HELEN, DAVID... oe: 22. Good Old New York RED CAPS...95. TERS. 16 22a. Transition To Lazy River Reprise 100 TG 20 23. Lazy River—Reprise (CHEECH..102 a 23a. Scone Change 303 NICK.26 24, 1 Found A New Baby ELLEN, DAVID..104 2» 25, The Panic Is On DAvID.109) tARX...20 26, “Tain’t Nobody's Biz-ness—Reprise (CHEECH..113, pry 27, Runnin’ Witd!—Reprise MARX, DAVID, EDEN, WARNER, oe UNDERSTUDY, MITCH, HELEN, CHEECH, GANGSTERS, GIRLS..115, 28, Lany River—Reprise #2. CHEECH..122 DEN...36 : : 28, Incidental 1. 2 20, She's Funny That Way DAVID, ELLEN .126 TORS... 1. Yes! Wie Have No Bananas! ENSEMBLE.128 DRUS...A3 32 Bows, a AvID Ad 33, Exit Music (Dixieland Version) 431 LIVE..5t 5 AVID...55 IRLS...59 “a TERS...67 DEN ECH...70 ACT ONE SCENE ONE HOUSE TO HALF CHEECH enters DSL and fires a machine gun into the CURTAIN, spling out the file of the sho He ses another GANGSTER running DSR, CHEECH Hey! (CHEECH shoots him dd. Ve hon hi plas into the canal. Sirens begin fo oil (CHEECH exits and the CURTAIN rss, reveling Nick's Club (CHORUS GIRIS~ THE ATTA-GIRLS —are performing tow cra cu. NICK VALENT! sits a his table asthe ATTA-GIRLS perfor, LET USTAKE YOU TO A PLACE WHERE THE MUSIC IS RAW TRUMPETS BATTLE SAXOPHONES, AND THEY FIGHT 70.A DRAW WELCOME TO THE FINEST CLUB DRINK GIN MADE IN THE FINEST TUB IN THE JUNGLE OF NEW YORK HEAR THAT RAZZAMATZZ LISTEN TO THE SAVAGE BEAST THAT IS KNOWN ASJAZz. AND GRAB THAT TIGER BY THE TAIL [HEAR THAT TROMBONE WEEP AND WAIL YOULL SING, YOU'LL HUM, YOU'LL SWING SO COME AND MARVEL AT THE JUNGLE CAT THAT'S PROUDLY KNOWN AS JAZZ (ATTA-GIRLS) HOLD THAT TIGER HOLD THAT TIGER HOLD THAT TIGER HOLD THATTIGER HOLD THATTIGER HOLD THAT TIGER HOLD THAT TIGER STROKE ITS FUR AND MAKE TF PURR. HOLD THAT TIGER HOLD THATTIGER MAKE A BEELINE. TO THAT FELINE HOLD THAT TICES HOLD THAT TIGER HOLD THAT TIGER NOW! ATTA-GIRL #1 Ym Mary! ATTA-GIRL #2 Annie! ATTA-GIRL #3 Jeannie! ATTA-GIRL #4 Rose! ATTA-GIRL #5 Baty! ATTA-GIRL #6 Daisy! oLive Olivet The ATTA-GIRLS cmtinue to dance upstage as ALDO and CHEECH enter. ALDO. (osking te waiter) You seen Nick Valenti? (the soitr points him out) (Mr Valent, Cheech and I took care of everything Butvers Ove Broapway ae NICK Where'd you dump the body? CHEECH In the Govarns Canal NICK Nobodys gonna muscle ino my tersitory, ALDO, That's for sure, Boss, NICK & CHEECH & ALDO [WHEN YOU RIDE A TIGER’S BACK. ‘YOU'LLEND UP ATIGERS SNACK CHEECH & ALDO YOU'RE THE BIG CAT IN GOOD OLD MANHATTAN ATTA-GIRLS LISTEN FOR THE JUNGLE ROAR THAT'S PROUDLY KNOWN ASIA7Z HOLD THAT TIGER, MEN HOLD THAT TIGER ATTA-GIRLS HOLD THAT TIGER MEN ATTA-GIRLS TAKE THOSE PAWS AND ‘SHAKE THOSE CLAWS AND ATTA-GIRLS & MEN HOLD THATTIGER Live HERE PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY HERE PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY HERE PUSS PUSS PUSS PLAY THATJAZZY MUSIC FUSS PUSS LHIERE KITTY KITTY KIVTY KITTY KIFTY KITTY PRETTY KITTY PRETTY KIVTY PRETTY KITTY PRETTY KITTY cits MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! ouivE ss: (0H YOU NO Good PUSSY OLIVE & 2 GIRLS GANGSTERS ATTA-GIRLS lane «yuNoEE GER HOLD THAT nc TRUMPEIS BATTLESAXOPHONES. ATTA-GIRLS (COME ON AND. ATTA-GIRLS & MEN HOLD THAT TIGER THAT BLUESY WOOZY TIGER ATTA-GIRLS 1 AMSMIFTEN WITH THAT KITTEN Sep IT PROWLING HEAR IT HOWLING ATTA-GIRLS GANGSTERS GET THAT TIGER PET THAT TIGER HOLD THAT TIGER Now! HOLD THAT TIGER Now! HOLD THAT TIGER Now! HOLD THATTIGER NOW ‘The ATTA-GIRLS bution the numer and the crowd applauds. The GIRLS ext the stage chile OLIVE heals to NICK'S table TA-GIRLS RS NICK Hey Otive, you were great tonight OLIVE ''m fed up, You can push your torpedoes around but I've had it up to here, NICK What the hell is it now? OLIVE fm not sharing 2 dressing room anl I'm sick of geting bumped and stepped on. None of em knoves how to dance. NICK ‘They're the bes line in New York. You're the one who's out of step. You don’t know your left from your right OLIVE ‘Where I came from in Jersey they didn’t have lef and right, NICK C'mon, Olive—it's our anniversary OLIVE leis not. You're geting serie, NICK Ws June twenty-cighth—i’s been six months tothe day. That was when we fist ‘went fo bel and fell for you cause you gave me a discount OLIVE ‘Sic months and Y'm sil inthis cram rat trap. NICK (Gives hera gif) Hey bought you something. OLIVE otding up a string of pearls) What's this? NICK Pearls. What the hell you think they are? OLIVE Pearls are white NICK There are back pears OLIVE Don’t gimme that. They're Black They'e probably from defective oysters, NICK Hey, ayo, baby... you know I'm nuts about you LOVE MAKES ME TREAT YOU "THE WAY THAT 1D0 GEE BABY AIN'T GOOD To YoU? THERE'S NOTHING TOO GOOD FORAGIRL THAT IS TRUE GEE BABY AIN'T LGOOD TO Your 1ROUGHT YOU A BABY DOLL WITH GOLDEN CURLS [APLATINUM BRACELET [ASTRING OF PEARLS. OLIVE Block pears! NICK LOVE MAKES ME TREAT YOU THE WAY THAT DO. GEE BABY AIN'T 1G00D TO You! OLIVE ‘YOU NEVER GET ME THE THINGS THAT [CRAVE [NO BABY YOU AIN'T GOOD TO ME IE YOU WOULD PLEASE ME [MIGHT BE YOUR SLAVE UH UH YOU AINT GOOD To ME NICK 1 promise I'l have your name in lights. OLIVE ‘he only way you'll ever have my name in lights iif change it to Exit. You gotta ‘get me out ofthis lousy chorus. I came to New York to bean actress. That's where iy sits are. Butuers Oven BRospway ae tives A promise isa promise. I'l make youa star. Now come on, get dresed, We're Harlem? The Cotton Club? (NICK nods) And remember —I want lo be a star Union City ~ And this me no in pasties, MUSICsieells, OLIVE and NICK ext The ATTA-GIRLS enter and begin to dance, beginning the triton tothe rofop of DAVID’ apartment 1 gotta where NICK OLIVE IF LWAS PAMPERED I WOULDN'T BE BLUE NICK GEE BABY AIN'T GOOD TO YoU? OLIVE GET ME OUTOF THE CHORUS NICK (GEE BABY AIN'T I GOOD To You? NICK OLIVE GEE BABY YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME NICK (WHEAT HAVE I BEEN SAYIN’? OLIVE 1 want to play Lady Macbeth ike Idi in NICK BABY AIN'T LGOOD TO YOU, ATTA-GIRLS LOVE MAKES ME TREAT YOU THE WAY THAT 1D0 GEE BABY AIN'T GOOD TO You? ‘THERE'S NOTHING TOO GOOD FOR AGIRU THAT IS TRUE GEE BABY AIN'T GOOD TO You? ATTA-GIRLS 2 ATTA-GIRLS FUR COAT FOR CHRISTMAS oon. [IG DIAMOND RING. |APACKARD COUPE. oon. AND EV'RYTHING AND EVRYTHING. ATTA-GIRLS LOVE MAKES ME-TREAT YOU ‘THE WAY THAT D0 GEE BABY AINT 1 GOOD TO YOU AND DO THE THINGS I SHOULD TO YOU BABY AIN'TIGOOD TO You! The ATTA-GIRLS exit, reveling, Ruvurrs Over Brosoway =e ACT ONE SCENE TWO RLS The roofop of DAVID and ELLEN's bohemian apartment th frond ELLEN and several ends sit aro drinking ery entes bohemian, wine and eating cheese DAVID is playing a song onthe ukulele, DAVID ELLEN LOVE MAKES ME TREAT YOU ‘THE Way THAT IDO (GEE BABY AIN'T GOOD 10 You? OF BABY, YOU'RE GOOD TO ME THERE'S NOTHING 100. GOOD FOR A GIRL THATS TRUE That's met GEE BABY AIN'T LGOOD TO You? GEE BABY AINTIGOOD 10 YOU? ELLEN (toasting David) ‘To David's new ply, KAY So you wrote another play DAVID T must admis an pal battle ELLEN Its his best ne yet, Fender, FLENDER Have you brought it to producer? pavip Only everyone in town—they’te all fai to do it JOE Why? Davip Because is about something—and because {will not ake their suggestions and change a word of ito pander toa commercial Broadway aadienc. ELLEN Plas he insists on directing it. Davip CCan you blame me? 1m not going to sit by and have my work mangled agai. I've ben through i twice, Two powerful plays I wrote that could've been tremendous sscesses and I had to stand by and watch ditecors and actors change my dialogue misinterpret everything. No wonder they flopped, FLENDER No truly great artist has ever been appreciated in his tetime. 1have never had a play produced and I've writen ane play every year forthe past 20 years, Davin ‘Yes, that's because you are a genius. The proof is that both common people and Intellectuals find your work conflicting and incoherent ELLEN Julian Marx likes Davies play pavip He's the one producer who has faith in me but he cant raise the money so what good sit ELLEN ‘So he keeps waiting on tables and driving taxis, DavID Ten years ago I kidnapped this woman from a very beautiful home in Pitsburg brought her to Greenwich Village ad have made her share a miserable bohemian existence starving with me ever since. KAY ‘At least David is crazy about you. Lmade the mistake of falling in love with the frist not the man, Larry was @ wonderful poet but a skunk as a human being FLENDER The artis can be forgiven anything if he produces great art KAY Bllshit, Boing talented does not entitle you to be a louse. FLENDER ‘We must value art above all. Let's say there was a burning building and you could rush in and save only one thing. —either the last existing copy of Shakespesz's play's frsome anonymous human being — DavID ‘You save the Shakespeare plays if they're the last copies. Hw can you deprive the world of those masterpieces? ELLEN You value art over human life? Buruers Over Brosoway oe DaviD ‘Ave you comparing all of Shakespeare to some panhandler sleping on the sees? svdous KAY inlogue, Wea human ite A plone rings. The conversation continues while ELLEN reaches inside a in and lst the phone and ansers had a : . ELLEN (olding out the phone to DAVID) and Ws Julian Marx— DavID Atthis hour? (tok the phone) shat Lights upstage right, amare aboe the stage. There we see JULIAN MARX. He is at ‘he Cotton Clu. Behind hi, we se too COTTON CLUB DANCERS dancing to Jimmie Noone's APEX BLUES, Wess both mi a hey spe Helo? MARX mat the Cotton Club— nthe DaviD ing, Yeah— MARX We got the money. We can do your play DavID What? When? How? MARX a could Asingle backer going fr the whole show. An old acquaintance. e's plays ea Fabulous! And I can dirs? MARX rive the Absolutely interestingly he's got a young git who's a grentactess—Otive Neal's her ‘name —he'd like if you could find a litle something for het do in the show DAVID ‘What do you mean? MARX Apport—a bit DAVID ‘Are you nuts? You think I'm gonna let some amateur play the lead in my play? MARX Did I say the lead? Isai a part lite something I thought maybe Dr. Philips pavip The poychiatist? W's a key role MARX He says this g's the stuff tars are made of: DavID ‘Who says? Who is he? MARX is name is Nick Valent DavID How do Lknow that name? What does he do? MARX He's got his finger in a number of pes pavip He's a baker? MARX You want your play on or not? pavip ‘Well, who do you see in the main par? MARX | was thinking about Helen Sinlat, pavip ‘Well sue, she'd be great but can we get her? MARX ‘Why can't we get her? She's been in nothing but flops the past the years, aviv Helen Sincair—wow = MARX This isnot like your last two plays in some artsy rat-hole theatre in Provincetown this i Broadway MAR hangs up. Lights out on the Cotton Club lay? ELLEN (to Davis) ilps They all le. You were on the phone so long pavip He found the money for my play ELLEN On that’s great pavip ‘Of course the tucker wants me to use his girlfriend ina part, Buti he thinks— ELLEN im sure you can find something —you don't want to blow this Davip Frm not going to compromise the play — ELLEN David if this doesn’t work out promise me you'l think about us going back to Pittsburgh and having a eal ie. paviD Pitsburght That's the worst offer I've had in years, And con't worry, plan for us to get married. Whats this? June 28? July August—September? In six years. ‘As ELLEN beings to sing, DAVID only alse, thinking about his play. ELLEN ‘THERE ARE BLUES THAT YOU GET FROM WORRY ‘THERE ARE BLUES THAT YOU GET FROM PAIN AND THERE ARE BLUES WHEN YOU'RE LONELY ‘THE BLUPS YOU CAN NEVER EXPLAIN, (ELLEN) paviD onan art, Wt yt ply aac when ight 10k Leann by Poort be op ey PLLEN Davip ea ELLEN avin Who's it for? ELLEN THERE ARE BLUES WHEN YOU'RE STILLUNMARRIED Davip \VAN GOGH NEVER MARRIED. ELLEN {THEY'RE THE WORST [GUARANTEE pavip FLAUBENT NEVER MARRIED ELLEN WANT [A WEDDING. ‘THAT WEDDING HE'S DREADING DavID Jesus Chest never mated, He never even dated, ELLEN GOP THE BLUES ‘CAUSE (’M A FAILURE (OUR WEDDING PLANS ARE STALER THAN DAY OLD PUMPERNICKEL BREAD ‘THE BLUES “CAUSE HE'S ARTISTIC LHU'LL WRITE DOWN EVRY WORD SAID DaviD Thats good! ELLEN MY MAS ASHAMED THAT I'M NOT WED ELLEN Davip BLUES ‘CAUSE 'M A FAILURE MARRIAGE (OUR WEDDING PLANS ARE STALER WHATS THE POINT OF MARRIAGE? WE DON'T NEED MARRIAGE AND VERY NARCISSISTIC [AN ARTIST IGNORES. THAT EMPTY VOID WELLFIGHT, THEN AFTER TEARS ARESHED IF YOU WILL HELL WRITE DOWN EVRY WORD SAID AVACCUM, MY MA'S ASHAMED THAT PM NOT WED “THI SORTOF VACUUM “THAT NATURE ABHORS MY PA TOLD THE NEIGHBORS THAT FM DEAD ELLEN DavID {Thear you—but you have to realize that marrage isa very serious decision ike suicide ELLEN paviD Nick Valenti—Pve heard that name? What does he do? Co Wetew he mp. As th set gin to cage, suddenly hear gusts, and se oo CHEECH onerge fo he ses oo 70 GANGSTERS of the KUSTABECK CLAN ape they ao he a a They exit : Lstge center dors pen to ee A PACK OF GANGSTERS from He VALENTI os Clan wie ore GANGSTERS ape nh soe they Sing I GANGSTERS ‘TAIN'T AFIT NIGHT OUT FOR MAN NOR BEAST : (OW YEAH, THAT WIND'S A BLOWIN’ IN THE EAST ‘YOU HAVE BETTER HAVE A CARE “CAUSE THERE'S DANGER IN THE AIR AND IT AIN'T A FIT NIGHT OUT FOR MAN NOR BEAST ‘The GANGSTERS exit, ‘ivze FLAPPERS enter fora fn night om the ks, Thy exit “Tee VALENTI GANGSTERS appr looking forthe KUSTABECKS. [A KUSTABECK (JIMMY) appears, fies nes, nd chases them away ‘The three FLAPPERS reappe hile the gangster sing (GANGSTERS) WHEAT A NIGHT, THE RAIN. AND WINDS INCREASED AND WHEN EVERYBODY THOUGHT THATIT HAD CEASED LIGHTNIN’ SPLIT THE WIND SWEPT NIGHT |ALL-THE SINNERS SHOOK WITH FRIGHT AND IP AIN'T AFIT NIGHT QUT FOR MAN NOR BEAST Wie see GANGSTER'S ARMS pushing guns through the al-qpencd doornays it pura of RICHIE, who scurres low across the stage ding tei guns ROCCO (a VALENTI) enters, dodging bullets frm a machine gun, He exits, Wie sea gun tle between oo GANGSTERS as dey shoot a ne anther wile we alo se the silhouettes of more GANGSTERS bring sha in the shad, Tirze FLAPPERS, who are nw lrting oth gmgsters, SAL and VINNY (fom the VALENTI clan) enter an dance with thee dates [RICHIE and JIMAEY (rom the KUSTABECK cle) step fromthe sans a kill SAL, VINNY, and one of the FLAPPERS, lacing them dead on te set Ser | (One of the FLAPPERS rans, srenming RICHIE and sce (rlding machine gun) ‘That senl a message to Nick Valenti—he kills one of our, we kil throe of his. a Wie hea sirens ALENTI JOHNNY (swears) Shit let's got out oF here PEOPLE are running. All the GANGSTERS, GANGSTERS WHAT ANIGHT! WHAT A NIGHT! 000 EEE! ALL AND IT WARN'T A FIT NIGHT OUT FOR MAN NOR BEAST Sirens wail as the set conte its transition to rece ys in ACT ONE SCENE THREE COLIVE’s apartment, «het bimbo’ place al Joan Haro [NICK VALENTI so the plone hearing news of his guys getting rubbed out while OLIVE rend a script NICK (pone) Where'd it happen? Who'd they get? Oh Jesus... All ight FI be at Olives forthe rehour, Get more guys downstairs and call me back about the Massuc thing This is war with Lao Kustabeck NICK fags up. OLIVE (olding DAVID's sri) ‘You sai this was the fead ~it's the smaller part NICK [All ight allright. [got no time now . they got Sal and Vinny outside # movie house OLIVE ‘Yeah but I counted the lines and Sylvia Poston sth lead character... 'm backing, her up. NICK “That's not what 1 heat, OK? Julian says you're gonna play a doctor—a head doctor = isabig par, OLIVE But it ain't the lad, “The phone rings ~ NICK pick it up NICK ‘You want the lead —2o to acting shook OLIVE ‘Why? You never went to extortion school NICK Hello, Cheech? You heard? Get everybody seady atthe garage—and you come over bere EE hangs up. tlle for the thing ocking 4 doctor Dutvers Ove BRoapway <9 e OLIVE Hey listen, you wanna take your business outta here. We got guests comin NICK (To Ove) T got wouble. What am I supposed to do, just fot the Bills? Lwant my say with this Broadway big shot OLIVE ‘Well, don’t embarrass me. NICK Ym looking ou for your interests, The DOORBELL. rings OLIVE That's probably them. NICK ‘Charm ema litle. [told them you're a great actess, OLIVE fm always charming! DAVID and MARX enter MARX Nick Valenti say helo to David Shayne NICK You're the writer: You ook like a writer, This is Olive Nel OLIVE Charmed fm sure ‘They cannot quite digest her, especially DAVID. NICK ‘She's read your play and thinks if great OLIVE Yes... charmed... Come, jin me on the chaise rnounsd sy), NICK She's great ite actress. She just needs a break, MARX Err—what have you been in, Miss OLIVE Call me Olive, honey. MARX live... your experience NICK ‘She ain't had no experience—she'sa natural, OLIVE Ihave to, NICK ‘They dowt mean dancing, You don't mean dancing, do you? She used to wiggle at ‘joint in Hoboken and pick up quarters from the tabletops with h= OLIVE Hey, why don't you butt out they're talking to me NICK {All sght all right—I'm ust trying to break the ie. Hey! Who wants 9 drink? DAVID (veatty) rit have a double anything, rm fine— (trying t0 make conversation) So you never acted before. OLIVE 1 as in a musical revue MARX on OLIVE In Wichita, Maybe you heard of it it was ealled ‘Leave a Specimen’. I stopped the show every night started with a big intro! OLIVE launches into the song I WANT A HOTDOG FOR MY ROLL, recreating the uber: (oLive) Watch this |S THERE SOMBONE HERE WHO'LL GIVE A GIRL A HAND. FM LOOKING FOR THE GUY WHO RUNS THE HOT LUNCH STAND. HP'S USUALLY HERE AROUND HALF PAST THREE AND I'M A HUNGRY GIRL, YOU SEE ‘THEY SAY FM FICKLE THATS A Fact [BUT IF LIKE THE SERVICE MIGHT COME BACK wiggle at TELLME HOW MUCH IS IT nk? FMWILLING TO PAY 50 LISTEN TO THE WORDS I SAY WANT A HOTDOG FOR MY ROLL WANT IT HOT, DON'T WANT IFCOLD Davip 1m having touble breathing OLIVE GIVE ME A BIG ONE THATS WHATISAID WANT ITSO IT WILL FIEMY BREAD. WANT A HOTDOG FOR MY ROLL IWANTIP YOUNG DON'T WANT FOLD {SURE WILL BE DISGUSTED pped the IF THAT DOG AIN'T FULL OF MUSTARD DON'T WANT AN EXCUSE Te MUST HAVE LOTS OF JUICE is WANT A HOT DOG FOR MY ROLL OLIVE begins to dance. vet ttrrtv dang’ case the aulece we inert oe wy and toca: Chueh interpreted anther il MARX Is very creative 1] (ouve) OLIVE | ‘Yeaty atthe Burlesque Award Dinner I won two Golden Pelvis’, Now it bu 0. sean aaa Nom: pitur this. The hot dog man comes on. And when Tsay hot dog, don't mean cocktail franks DAVID Unfortunately can pictore the whole thing A HOTDOG MAN appears HOTDOG MAN NOW HERES A DOG THAT'S SHORT AND LEAN oLive THXT AIN'T THE KIND OF DOG I MEAN. HOTDOG MAN NOW HERE'S A DOG THAT'S SHORT AND FAT. ouvE SETTER SHOW MB SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT [WELL HERE'S MY ROLL, WHERE'S YOUR DOG? HOTDOG MAN LUM On, THAT ROLL YOU GOT WILL HOLD HALF A HOG. oLivE TELL ME CAN YOU FILLIT? HOTDOG MAN WHY YES CAN | TM KNOWN AS THE CHAMPION HOTDOG MAN NOW HERE'S A HOTDOG FOR YOUR ROLL YOU WANT IT HOT, YOU DONT WANT IT COLD | ouve 1 aVEN'T EATEN, IFS BEEN A WHTLE Butters Ovee Broapwar == HOTDOG MAN My DOG'LL LAY YOU IN THE AISLE way and ouive (ovicing DAVID's distress What's with him? Ish confused? My being too subtle for you? Cause here they come, Here they are builds toa (CHORUS BOYS dresed as hotdogs THE FOUR FRANKS ~enter and join the y hot dog, | = Boys SHE WANTS A HOTDOG FOR HER ROL SHE WANTS IT YOUNG, SHE DON'T WANT IPOLD. DONT WORRY, IT WON'T HURT HER oLive 1S JUST A FRIENDLY FRANKEURTER Boys SHE'LL WAIT IN LINE OLIVE IF FP'S KOSHER, THAT'S FINE Boys SHE WANTS A HOTDOG FOR HER ROLL Live (opavip) you meet me ater Il explain the double entendes. ponancs it AHN-TAHN-DERZ) les French —t think it means intercourse, Boys SHE WANTS A HOTDOG Live GIVE ME A HOTDOG OLIVE & Boys FoR MY ROLL! As ‘The number ends and the CHORUS BOYS disappear The phone rings — NICK goes it OLIVE ‘Who's gona play the part of Syvia Peston? MARX (We're thinking Helen Sinclaie. OLIVE [Never heard of het MARX ‘Do you falls the theat=? OLIVE ‘What are you trying to insinuate? NICK (plone) nfs gimme at sit. ell Massa he wort play all wel chop hie ck BE off paviD Is anybody else warm? OLIVE Devt pay attention to Nick e's tying to close a basines deal NICK (phoned cut his throat and pl his gus out through his windpipe DAVID «ima ealy sit ven fora minute I sometimes havea blood sugar prose OLIVE What you do, walk up? You're sweating ike a Pig MARX So you liked the pay. OLIVE Wesed. MARX Wate OLIVE rsay. But 1 got some ideas on how to pt some laughs in paviD eas? kin’ legs ess OLIVE | goto the movies ll the time so I got a million clever ides. NICK (phone) ‘Burn it own! Burn it down, Rocco, {want it ook like arson pavip We really should be going... my neck isstitf— NICK Sit Downt DAVID rm gonna stright here [NICK hangs up and returns to group NICK Sorey you guys had to hear that, Some problems with the iss, Davip Exactly what typeof business is? NICK Isa don't stick your nose in other people's business business. Davip wal (standing) Fm feeling emotionally unstable—T'm gong to check into a sanitaruan DAVID exits, NICK ‘This is gonna bea big event on Broadway: Together we're gonna make this lady a star You understand? MARX [Like it was writen in The Torah, MARX exits NICK Whatever (0 Ot) Whar you think? OLIVE He's cute NICK Who'scute? OLIVE “The write NICK Why's hecute? ouive 1 ike intellectual brains. NICK What'd he say? OLIVE Nothing. He never spoke NICK ‘So how do you know he's so smart? OLIVE ‘You wouldn't appreciate [NICK grabs OLIVE, threatening her NICK Listen, tuby, 've had a tough day. Icatch you and this punk making eyes and he ‘becomes parts ofthe highway OLIVE Get your hands off me or I'l stick shiv in your liver while you're napping NICK Ah e’mon baby, you know I love you. "THERE'S NOTHING TOO GOOD FORAGIRL THATS TRUE GEE BABY AINT GOOD TO YOU? (CHEECH rings door end enters sand be °s OLIVE Yeah. 1 was ast kidding about stabbing you in your slep. You'e much foo light a sleeper. (Geeing CHEECH as SHE exits ther room) ugh cHeECH ‘You wanted me boss? NICK Yeah, Olive starts rehearsal for a Broadway show ina few weeks, [want you to stay with her and watch over her. See that nobody gots fresh with hee oF gets out of Tine~knove what I mean? Make sure they treat her right I promised her she'd be a starand somehow I don't trust these show-business phonies. Whatsamatter? CHEECH Olive don't like me so much, We don't get along NICK Do what Pm eling you, Ks just for a while CHEECH But we got a situation— NICK ‘You're just sore ‘caus it cus into your poker playing, You take good caze of her— she's my broad (CHEECH exits. Aloe, NICK sings (GEE BABY AIN'T GOOD TO You ALDO enters ALDO Hey Boss—car's out back. NICK and ALDO exit a ne transition toa NYC set Act ONE SCENE FOUR | DAVID and MARX on este acing ut ef OLIVE’ pla bavi 1 Not Not Out ofthe questo! Never | MARX sat work wit er=you'll mold her =H ea alge she win anand | tena show bse ano DaviD mn? Do you rally believe Olive Nel can play the psychiatrist? ave you lost al aso table tops— Her look er voice, her grasp se picks up quarters of MARX na Mr, Artist, This isa dog-eat dog-world, Not an ideal world ‘Lemme level with yu have to make a few concessions. Life is ‘You want to get your play on you're gonna toate faite cect chay? Tryouct el yourself on ey you may a i Gril pack up an go bck o Pitsburg = DAVID I'm a whore! a whore! MARX asy Ki. Take ite pavip Fm selling out! Fm a prostitute! MARX You cracking up paviD re tight what good isan unproduced play? ‘raving out, nthe other hand you in an egg timer. Lying in the drawer while ie tip away ike the grains MARX pavip | ‘And sho do you seein the male lead? MARX | Is a tough call paviD {ee Warner Purcell award il psyehiatist? eal world ms. Lie is duced play? eg timer. MARX ‘Too fat. Have you seen him lately? The man’s a compulsive eater. aviD "heard he's on a new dit now. MARX Kid, I know Warner. Idd Circumstantial Evidence with him —he'l begin with a new laf then pressure will et in andl by opening night he'l eat his body into the shape ofa hot-air balloon pavip [want him! No more compromises! Tm nota whore! I's my play! I want him and [want him! And L want Helen Sinelair-have you henrd anything? MARX ‘She's only had the script fr three weeks. She's known to bea slow reader, But don’t worry if anyone can talk her int it, Ican, I know hove to deal with aging clivas, mean, how big ean her ego be? DAVID exits, MARX stays, ‘The MUSIC builds. The st changes and MARX steps into, ACT ONE SCENE FIVE ‘A mom in thr of HE | HELEN You must be joking! {YOU WANT ME TO PLAY A FRUMPY HOUSEWIFE WHO GETS DUMPED FOR A FLAPPER Ym Helen Sinclair! {HEY GO WILD, SIMPLY WILD, OVER ME THEY GO MAD, JUST AS MAD AS THEY CAN BE NO MATTER WHERE FM AT [ALL-THE FELLOWS THIN OR FAT "THE TALL ONES, THE SMALL ONES 11GRAB “EM OFF LIKE THAT EVERY NIGHT HOW THEY FIGHT OVER ME DON'T KNOW WHAT IFS THAT THEY CAN SEE "TIE FELLOWS LOOK AT ME ANDSIGH IN MY ARMS THEY WANT TO DIE {HEY GO WILD, SIMPLY WILD, OVER MF. \ suey cow Testi eROsS THAT COEAR THEY COWnD | OW MUCH MEAN SPARE weet WELL THEY LOVE ELEN SINCE MARX | ely, You deel Helen Sida. Noon play it better? rguing that—bat who could i who could ‘And who are you? 1D0 PLAYS PRODUCED BY HARRIS AND BELASCO [NOT JULIAN MARX'S LATEST FIASCO [MY EX-HUSBAND USED TO SAY ON THE DAYS WAS DEPRESSED, “IF YOU'RE GOING T0.GO DOWN, GO DOWN ON THE BEST” —Or withthe best, MARX THERE'S SOMETHING I MUST Sav TO YOu [MEAN TF WITH RESPECT HOPE YOU WON'T OBJECT PM ALWAYS CIRCUMSPECT LOOK BACK ON YOUR LONG CAREER AND THOUGH IT IS SUBLIME YOU HAVEN'T HAD A BIG HIT IN A VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME That's three very’. Helen, you're a star ‘cause you're great—no question you're reat but with ll due respect, in the lat few years—and I say this nat to make your feel bad ~you're better known asa drunk and an adulteress, HELEN {WAS WILD, I ADMIT FOR A FEW YEARS. ACTING WILD, CAMOUFLAGING MY BLUE YEARS. SPENT MY LIFE ON THE BRINK SPENT SOME NIGHTS IN THE CLINK BUTI HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE NEW YEARS MARX You're talking about Chinese New Yess, HELEN [Naturally stil ifs een two days. You know how lng that is for me? HELEN Under whose dnsction? Some novi? MARX LZ HELEN Of wo flops MARX Lay it’s because the directors botched hem HELEN a2 nuscers Over Beoapway (HELEN) 1 ovr 5 EVRY NIGHT HOW THEY FIGHT OVER ME TS CLEAR WHAT IT 15 THAT THEY CAN Et WHO HASSTYLE, WHO HAS FLAIR? PAGING HELEN SINCLAIR! OFFSTAGE VOICES HELEN! HELEN! HELEN! HELEN THEY GoWILD MARX Helen please reconsider HELEN sinrcy wit MARX “This could be very good for you, HELEN “THEY GO WILD OVER MEE “The character he wants me to play is dovedy. Besides, the ingore has al he hot lines. Even the woman psych But the pat of Sylvia Poston isthe lead HELEN Sylvia Peston. Even er name reeks of Westchester Lady Macbeth or atleast Noel or Phil Barry: 1 Yn used to doing Elekta and sana clears er that, She is crying | HELEN'S Fe Mai JOSETTE. oe ington foe the hot Elekta and HELEN What i it Josette? JOSETTE These lowers just came, FIELEN tas the enclosed card MARX Helen, know the offers have not exactly been alting in HELEN (reading the card) Him... They're from David Shayne. "Asa small ats oa greater one, that you ‘merely consider my play ial the fulillment I require.” Sweet... what's he like? MARX Kiel’ terrific a genius ready to emerge HELEN rd have to be billed over theft, MARX Where else? HELEN And the star's dressing room and approval of the leading man. MARX Not even a question HELEN And approval of al photos of me... its still not avery glamorous characte... maybe lean go over the script with David... maybe there ae ways to brighten her up 2 ide. sshy am T nervous? MARX You? Nervous? You'e Helen Sinlaet You realize the effect you have on audiences? As these begins to change. MARX ‘THEY GO WILD OVER YOu! Whatever you do—stay off the booze. ‘A car dion by CHEECH enters US act one Scene six | CHEECH and ROCCO drive across stage, traveling from USLt0 DSR. A VICTIM \ ee (CHEECH sings ase dries CNL TE i CHEECH | UP ALAZY RIVER BY THE OLD MILL RUN i THE LAZY, LAZY RIVER IN THE NOON DAY SUN i LINGER IN THE SHADE OF A KIND OLD TREE "THROW AWAY YOUR TROUBLES, DREAM A DREAM OF ME CHEECH stops the car (om dream’). CHEECH pats he ex in park victim What is this? You said we were going to play poker CHEECH (geting out of the car) ‘Wee playing ata ditfrent place. victim Who plays poker atthe Gowanus Canal? CHEECH opens the bak dor for VICTIM. CHEECH Getout VICTIM and ROCCO ge ou ofthe xr | victim hope I get good cards —1 been so unlucky lately CHEECH | Where you're going it won't mater what you're dell, See if this changes your luck ws Canal, We hear a CHEECH shoos the VICTIM (6 hots), aho falls into the Gaon splash | dwox0ceoy Where do you wanna eat? \ VICTIM a. Wehear a Lets get some ribs. Hey, you OK? You got something on your mind? [Ah tomorrow rehearsal for this stupid play begins. 1 gotta babysit the Boss's sielrend ©? You never got along with het. (CHEECH and ROCCO get into the car She's a dumb talentless, pice of trash and | tld her to her face but she dont agree, (CHEECH turns the aon (CHEECH puts the car in reverse as he Sings on BLUE’) (CHEECH drives fora (on ME) as we trenton 1, Rocco CHEECH Rocco, CHEECH BLUESKIES UP ABOVE EV'RYONE'S IN LOVE UP ALAZY RIVER, HOW HAPPY YOU COULD BE UP ALAZY RIVER, ours rind as CHEECH puts the car in forward gear, ACT ONE SCENE SEVEN Lights pom a empty then. 1's the ist day of play rebel. Con stage i large tale with 6 clirs. DSL is smaller tbl fed with fo age is ala DAVID enters singing pavip DON'T WANT ANY MILLIONS PM GETTING MY SHARE PVE ONLY GOT ONE SUIT THATS ALL CAN WEAR [A BUNDLE OF MONEY DON'T MAKE ME FEELGAY HANG ON TO YOUR MONEY AND HEAR WHAT SAY ‘Hnaly m the writer and director. No more compromises. My play will be perfect YM SITING ON TOP OF THE WORLD [PM ROLLING ALONG JUST ROLLING ALONG [AND IM QUITTING THE BLUES OF THE WORLD PMSINGING A SONG JUSTSINGING A SONG {GLORY HALLELUJAH” HAVE YOU SEEN THE PAPERS "THEY SAY THE WEATHERS FINE IF THESUN IS LISTNING GET READY TO SHINE! “CAUSE IM SITTING ON TOP ‘TOP OF THE WORLD YM ROLLING ALONG JUST ROLLING ALONG so I be perfect. MITCH the stage manager enters. He welcomes the ators as they ave, First is WARNER PURCELL and MITCH introduces him to DAVID. MiTcH Ah good morning—David, you know Warner Purcell, pavip Yes we met briefly WARNER Marvelous play-lovely speeches, What time is lunch? Davip Ym honored you're doing it, This is my assistant Lorna LORNA Helo MITCH Ym Mitchell Sabine the stage manager if you need anything. You're in dressing room te, WARNER ‘Thats fine MARX And there's cofee and Danish, soe smoked salmon on the table WARNER Tiljust have some hot water with lemon init... Wonslefultheater— goed Ineak i's dark... Hove to rehearse in the actual theatre we're opening in. DaviD ROLLING ALONG BOTH ROLLING ALONG EDEN enters with her tiny dog, MISTER WOOFLES. EDEN Hello, everybody. WARNER Eden, Davip Hiden. Buciers OVER Beoapwar EDEN (o DAVID) Tove-lay my art-pay! Piglatin! 1 Jove my’ part. (she juggles MISTER WOOFLES and an arin ofsi9) have some first day rehearsal presents for everybody i's nothing —just some pratpour some soap, you have incense say hello o Miter Woofen—Oh dort pevke a euch a sour face... Oh, ny precious do you want your milk? MITCH ilset up a saucer EDEN ‘You don’t have to, I breastfed her (MUSIC stops) Just hiding! YMSINGIN’ ASONG HE'S WOOFING ALONG MISTER WOOFLES ‘WOOF WOOF! paviD PMSINGING ASONG WARNER SINGING ASONG EDEN, DAVID & WARNER SINGING ASONG (OLIVE and CHEECH enter. MITCH ‘You must be Olive Neal. I'm the stage manager, Mitch. OLIVE (Charmed, Ym sure (to CHEECH) Hey, you gonna hover over me lke dead meat? CHEECH MeV says I stay close DAVID Hato, OLIVE ie ve been driving around for fifteen minutes. I old you he said the Belasco not the Morosco you cement had. st some DavID Oh dont cHEect Who are you? CHEECH rn with her. pavip We're just going o ehearse, 90— CHEECH Where she goes, go, Live Allright, buster, park yourself in the corner and try not to snore. Davip Look, [don't like anybody watching rehearsal ~the other actor are sensitiv, CHEECH (threatening) Who are you? MARX Ws okay... Ws okay... Mister—What is your name? CHEECH Cheech MARX Me. Cheech, CHEECH [Not Mister Cheech, just Cheech, MARX (DAVID) Hell be unobirusve Situation calmed.) REE buccers OveR BRospwar aviv Felon is a half hour late, Are you sue she knew reeatsl was atten? irc Yes, she knows. EDEN Will we be done rehearsing by five? Mister Woofes has his paychitric appointments at ive. MARX, Helens pro, fe sure when she comes she'll havea very good reason for not being HELEN enters. HELEN Hello everyone, sorry I'm late—my pedicurist had a stroke, She fll forward on the ‘mange stick and planged it into my toe—itrequied bandages. MiTcH May [take your coat? DavID san honor to work with such a grea actress HELEN Aowatkng to apron of stage drinking itn) ‘This old theater this church —so replete with memories—s0 fl of ghosts ~ Mrs ‘Alving, Uncle Vanya, here's Ophelia, there’ Condi... Cytemnestra every performance birth, each curtain a death, (MISTER WOOFLES barks) ‘Was that a mt? MITCH Yes, Mis Sinclar HELEN hate fucking mts DAVID -Tha’s good to know. I don't want to overwhelm any of you the fst day 0 all wel 4 is end hough the play (pavID) | WALK DOWN THE SIDEWALK, ‘THE PEOPLE ALL SMILE THEY SEE FROM My STRUTTIN [MADE IT THROUGH RAIN STORMS AND CLOBBERED THE RAIN for no being FMSITTING ON TOP OF THE WORLD The ACTORS begin rang through the play, HELEN (overlapping the end ofthe song) ees 1 can't lve ike this the same routine over and over~the days blend together ike melted celluloid —like a film whose images bscome distorted and meaningless" WARNER want a divorce, Sylvia I've said ti a thousand subse ways hoping you'd realize but you refuse to see it Davip IM ROLLING ALONG, JUST ROLLING ALONG EDEN pe (coenapping the son) » Look at those stars, How cold and menacing the night sky would he without then WARNER “When Ym with you become aware ofthe stars a ior the fist Hine EDEN “Asa litle gil Lswore one day I would have a necklace made rm the Milky Way. (estes owe that ine. WARNER yo all wel ‘Oh Kristen Kristen if only humans weren't cursed withthe power of mony DaviD PLAYERS as GLORY HALLELUIAH. (008,008, 00% LUSTEN TO THE BIRDIES | THEY SING A GLORIOUS SONG. OTHERS ALOR paviD DAFFODILS ARE BLOOMING ALL 80 WHAT CAN GO WRONG EVERYONE turns e page in the seri OLIVE (she's dreadful) ‘Dreams are only disguised feelings. The more we bring these painful experiences larthe foe, the easier they become t deal with."—Whats the fore? pavip Tern to the fore brings up he intent sexual desies OLIVE Whats latent? pavip Her potenial—repressed— WARNER He's talking about her “i OLIVE Her what? WARNER Heri’, Heri OLIVE spall it Davip Continue. OLIVE “Come come, Mrs. Poston you're being mas-mas

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