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Noah Straits

Ruth Holton

ENG 112 Narration Essay

22 March 2024

Reading Trauma
Some people read books beside the pool, in the car, on the beach, and at home on a rainy

day but not me. I do not like to read. I liked being read to and have good memories of going to

the library and my parents and grandparents reading to me. All of that seemed to change when I

went to kindergarten. Thinking back on these experiences, school made me literate but made me

hate reading, and I can trace it back to one main issue.

I was five years old when I went to kindergarten. Almost every day, I wore a red, blue, or

white collared shirt that was itchy and uncomfortable and had to be tucked into khaki shorts at all

times. I had a pair of blue Nike shoes, a Spider-Man backpack, and a matching lunchbox. I

remember I felt so grown up going to kindergarten and enjoyed reading class at first. My teacher

taught us the sounds of letters, and it wasn’t long before we started putting words together and

reading simple sentences and stories. I remember feeling excited about reading at first.

After a few weeks, my teacher announced that we would be doing something called a

reading checkout. She said in a joyful, sweet voice, “Just try your best, friends. We just want to

see what a great reader you are!” Somehow, I knew this would be more difficult than she was

saying in that sweet voice. I soon learned what a reading checkout was. I was told to go to the

back of the classroom with the teacher’s helper (I had two teachers in kindergarten) and sit at a

small table where a piece of paper, a timer, and a pen awaited me. The teacher’s helper told me

again in a sweet happy voice, “Just do your best. I just want to see what a great reader you are!” I
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then had to read a short passage within one minute, and somehow I knew I couldn’t make

mistakes. As I stumbled over the words and skipped lines, I noticed she began to write all of my

mistakes on the paper. I knew this was bad and that I wasn’t being a very good reader. When the

timer went off, I hadn’t finished reading the passage and was told to stop reading even though I

had finally gotten some confidence and felt like I was doing better.

I soon learned I could only make two mistakes and had to finish the entire passage before

getting a bad grade. Even in kindergarten, I knew what bad grades were. I also learned I would

have to reread the passage again during specials (music, art, or PE) until I made no mistakes, but

the bad grade would not change. The first time I had to do a retest, my teacher said, “Don’t

worry too much. We just want to see how well you can read.” This made me stress even more. I

had to go to the same table where the reading passage, timer, and pen were. My heart was racing,

I was fidgeting with my pencil, and I struggled to sit still.

As a young child learning to read, this process was very stressful to me. I did not like the

timer. I could see the seconds ticking away out of the corner of my eye which made it hard to

focus on reading. I could also see the teacher writing with her pen across the paper every time I

stumbled over a word, which also made me nervous due to the fact that I could only make two

mistakes before I got a bad grade and had to spend time rereading the passage when I’d rather be

doing something else. This was my reading experience from kindergarten through fifth grade,

and I know this has had a big impact on my view of myself as a reader.

First of all, I do not like to read, and I have never considered why before now. Looking

back on my experiences with reading checkouts, I realize that it gave me a negative view of

reading due to the anxiety I felt when under pressure. I came to associate reading as a whole with

negativity and anxiety. This made me begin to perform worse on reading checkouts with bad
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grades and retests, which made the negative and anxious feelings worsen, which made the bad

grades and retests continue, which made the feelings worsen even more. It was like a snowball of

negative emotions that crushed my desire to read and especially to work with a timer ticking. I

really enjoy audiobooks and podcasts, which probably relates to my positive associations with

my parents and grandparents reading books to me when I was younger. This shows me the

importance of positive reading experiences for kids and the benefits of reading aloud. I also think

that maybe one day I will take a book to the beach.