How to win friends and influence people - Dale

Carnegie

Fundamental techniques in handling people

● Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

○ People don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may
be. It puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify
themselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious
pride and hurts their sense of importance.

○ Experiments proved that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn
much more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.

○ Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct will justify themselves,
and condemn us in return or say “I don’t see how I could have done any
differently from what I did.”

● Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

○ The only way to get someone to do something, it also applies to you, is by

making them want to do that.

○ Every person likes to receive a compliment, stay mindful of that and don’t
compliment someone only when you need something (they’ll notice the
flattery).

● Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

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 ○ Why talk about what we want? You are interested in what you want, but no
one else is. The only way to influence people is to talk about what they want.
If you don’t want someone to do something, mention what that person will
lose because of the activity.

○ “If there is one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s
point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your
own.” - Henry Ford.

Six ways to make people like you

● Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

○ You can make more friends by becoming interested in them than making
them be interested in you.

● Principle 2: Smile.

○ Actions follow feelings, by regulating the action, which is controllable, we can

indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

● Principle 3: Remember, pronounce correctly and use frequently the person’s name.

○ People are more interested in their own names than in everyone else’s names
altogether, find out a way to call people by their names and they’re more likely
to like you.

● Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

○ When you ask people about their lives, they answer as completely as
possible. People will just want to hear about you if you have something they
value, otherwise they want to talk and talk about themselves. Never ever
interrupt someone who is talking, wait until they finish, they might not say it
out loud, but they’ll feel insulted whenever you interrupt.
 ● Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

○ It’s good to know a few things about the subject that the other person is
interested about, that way, you can make people be eager to talk to you. Use
many analogies and mention the interesting subject as much as possible.
Just remember to not interrupt them.

● Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

○ Humans have a craving for being appreciated, not false flattery, but sincere
appreciation. The truth is that almost all people you meet feel themselves
superior to you in some way, why not use it for your advantage instead of fight
it? Let them feel important; don’t waste the chance to compliment them
whenever you can.

How to win people to your way of thinking

● Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

○ When you prove that someone is wrong that person feels inferior and has
their pride hurt. A man convinced against his will keeps the same opinion.

● Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

○ When you strike people’s intelligence, they want to strike back. Men must be
taught something without realizing their being taught and the things unknown
must be proposed as things forgotten. Most humans are biased, infected with
preconceived notions and pride.

● Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

 ○ Humans usually are wrong most of the time, so it’s prudent to, at least, try to
avoid making enemies by admitting that you’re wrong when someone
disagrees with you.

● Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

○ Appear friendly and look like you’re a good person.

● Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

○ In talking, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by
the things on which you agree. When someone says “no”, that person is
rejecting the subject, whereas when they say “yes” they’re open to the
conversation. Ask questions with which your opponent has to agree.

● Principle 6: Let the other person do the talking.

○ People don’t pay attention to you while they still have ideas to express. Let
they talk until you daydream and just say something after they’re done.

● Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

○ People have more faith in their own ideas than someone else’s, therefore,
whenever you want someone to agree with you, make them think they came
up with the conclusion.

● Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

○ People may be totally wrong, but they will never admit. Don’t condemn them;
it’ll make them hate you. We tend to like people that understand our point of
view, so even if you completely disagree with the other person, do it in a way
 that will make them think you comprehend them. This may be the most
important principle, always apply it.

● Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

○ Make the other person think you care about them, that’s the only way to get
them to do what you want. Here’s a magic sentence to solve problems with
people: “I don’t blame you for feeling like that. I would do the same if I were
you.”

● Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

○ Pretend you’re doing what you’re doing for a noble cause and people will be
more likely to admire you.

● Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

○ Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid and
dramatic. People like genuine interest.

● Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

○ The thing that motivates people the most is the work itself, as long as you
give them a challenge to feel important when they accomplish it. It all comes
down to the feeling of importance.

Be a leader
● Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
 ○ Start the conversation emphasizing the other person’s qualities.

● Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

○ Don’t criticize people directly, ‘cause it might make them feel grudge. The
smoothest you are, the better, mention how better it would be if they correct
something and make sure they get the message.

● Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

○ If you ever have to criticize someone directly, start by talking about you own
mistakes and if they’re related to the other person’s errors, talk about how it
brought bad things for you.

● Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

○ No one likes to receive orders; a good solution is to ask a question that

implies what you want the other person to do.

● Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

○ If you have to make someone do a job they look down to, trick them to think
they’re doing a special activity. People are highly attached to their reputations,
by letting them keep it, you avoid making an enemy.

● Principle 6: Praise even the slightest improvement.

○ People have a better performance if they are praised by their improvements,

rather than punished by their failures. If you want to make someone have
more dedication towards something, praise them by getting better.
● Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

○ Give people a reputation and they will embrace it, when you repeatedly say to
someone, they are good at doing something, they start to want to actually get
better at it. It has to do with our constant crave for recognition.

● Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

○ People might make a big deal out of a mistake they’re making, so when you
see someone doing something wrong, tell them how easy it is to correct and
encourage them when they get it right.

● Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

○ Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver.

○ Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
○ Be empathetic. Concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
○ Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
○ Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
○ put your request in a form that will make the other person think they’re getting
benefit.