Downfall,

Maybe I was not meant to be with them. Maybe I was meant to be different. To be my way. To be able
to feel happy on my own terms. Trying to change and to be perceived as ‘normal’ has been stressing me
out. This is how I move through life and there’s no other way I can do better than this. I know myself
well to not conform to what’s it means ‘the norm’. Life has been difficult because I tried to ‘change’ and
shape what has already ‘shaped’. It does not work. I don’t need to shape anything for It is already
shaped. Originality has always been in my blood. I’m just reserved and truthful to my own senses. I
never ignored them or ever leave them stranded. What I think is what I think. Nothing in the world can
change it. There have been these issues going on because I was trying to fit in and because everyone, I
know has been telling me that fitting in is what best here and now. Well, I don’t wanna fit in, I wanna
live my life the way I find lovely and charming. I don’t like exciting and I don’t want peer’s validation. I
wanna live within my own definition of success and happiness and fulfilling-ness. To be perceived as
kind-hearted and moving around limiting myself and my own beliefs so that I can fit in and be tolerable.
Finally, like others at the end of life stage, only to find out it’s just a false belief and what others have
been saying is just to fulfill their own needs. Why don’t we all find our own reasons and live life
according to that reason and not embody anything others said. What everyone’s been teaching me is
that ‘It’s essential to live your life with the taste of participation with others and If you fail to experience
it then you are a failure, then what you’re doing is not enough and confidential’. But why? I never
understand this, what shaped their thought this way and just trying to think this up just rot my brain.
Social toxicity, I just wanna live in an isolating place with a garden and animals. If I knew that human can
be so toxic and selfish, If I can choose whether to born a human or plants, I’d rather not be born a
human. We’re all are so dumped in our own needs to fill our satisfaction that we’re too blind to see
what it’s really means and happening in the lives of others too. What defines as fulfilling in this society
does not move me, does not warm my heart. I just wanna go against everything but no. I can only help
myself and in fact, I, too have my own will and beliefs like others do, it’s just quite different from most,
or at least that’s what I thought. Like many, I just wanna leave everything behind at the end of the day
and travel places to find a fulfilling and peaceful one that validates my own needs and space, my nature.
Life here is like moving around a bombshell, I live and feel all the fears and constraints. ‘Life could be so
much better’ is a sentence that I always write whenever I talk about my struggles with conformity and
limitation to talk and be truthful and be ourselves to let our thoughts showed to lights. Whenever I
bottle my thoughts up, I always have this imagination that My thoughts are me, my body and she is
locked in a farmhouse, messy and dark, and I’m watching her from above the house through a hole. She
lives and she dies, she lives and she dies, she lives and she dies. Oh, what is her life? Maybe death
means a life to her while life means only to see a new phase. Stages with different struggles. I hate to
deny myself and please everyone. No one should find me positively, none should involve with me for I,
always hide. Hide beneath my breathe and the peak of my right eye. My tears will forever flow flood
inside my body for It can’t ever show to the outside. The designation of life, the success, no one has
ever achieved that, only lies. We all will die at some point in our lives. What considered as meaningful
will be too late to define if we still live this way, opposing the meaning the life and death. History o’
history, the repetition of nothing more than fights. I’d rather close my eyes and stop breathing if I were
to lead my life according to all of that. I know for sure that It’s not for me and that I am built different. I
should honor my individuality and live my life however I find fit. Farewell,