Big Idea Discussion Guide

Series: Love Is Never Enough

Week: September 30th / October 1st
Topic: Love is never enough…for Women

Opening Questions
Who are some of your favorite female characters from a TV show? What do these characters depict about
the way women are viewed in our culture?

Big Idea
A woman feels loved when the man in her life understands and attempts to meet her basic needs.

“Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions.” I John 3:18
(NLT)

Introduction…to the Female

Just like women ask what’s going on in a man’s mind, men are asking, “What’s going on in a woman’s
mind?” Men observe these following activities and just scratch their heads in wonder:

Watching “chick flicks”

Going shopping
Cuddling
Talking on the phone
Seeing her mother
Going to the bathroom in groups

For many men, understanding how to relate to a woman is like trying to figure out how to fold a roadmap.
You thought you had it figured out before, but then it wants to fold a different way. So why do women seem
so different from men? What might those differences have to do with some of the relational conflicts that
couples experience? This discussion will help men understand women becoming familiar a woman’s most
basic needs.

Sense of Value

“Each man must love his wife as he loves himself...” Ephesians 5:33a (NLT)

We hear a lot about how men struggle with knowing what it means to be a man (e.g., in a feminist culture,
or growing up without a father, etc). However, in the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's
Soul, John and Stasi Eldredge talk about how women are the “walking wounded” because of the consistent
message that they get from culture and from family that they are inferior to men and are less important.
The Bible, contrary to popular opinion, holds up an extremely high value of women to God. Just look at the
fact that women are the grand finale of God’s creative work in Genesis, or that God chose to entrust the
upbringing of the Savior of the world in the hands of a mother named Mary. And when it comes down to
this discussion, the Bible instructs men to “nourish and cherish” (Ephesians 5:29) their wives. The word
“cherish” has the imagery of prizing and making a big deal about the importance of someone, like you do
when there’s a new baby around. In the same way, a woman needs to know that you cherish her. She
needs to know that you need her, that she is your other half (if not your better half) that completes who you
are. Because the reality is, gentlemen, you do need her.

1. What were some of the values that you learned growing up about women compared to men?

The most basic rule of thumb to show her love is to put her needs before your own. Here’s how:
ƒ Use endorsements. Talk highly of her, not just to her directly, but to other people while she is
present.
ƒ Dispel the gender roles myth. Thinking you are the man of the house does not mean that
you can kick back and watch TV while she does laundry, serves your meal, or handles the
children.
ƒ Recognize her interests. Find out what she likes and what she’s good at. Affirm her in those
things and encourage her to pursue them.
ƒ Think about her. Ask yourself, what does she need or want today? How can I help her
today? Then, let her know you were thinking about these things.

2. Men, reflect on who the woman in your life is and what she does. Why is she valuable to you?

Conversation

A popular study shows that a woman speaks around 20,000 words per day while a man speaks only 7,000
per day. Men mistakenly think that women just want to talk about every little thing, when the reality is that
women are trying to connect emotionally through conversation. Sociologist Deborah Tannen says that men
and women tend to communicate for different reasons: report vs rapport. For men, talking tends to be
more about getting information that is needed if somebody needs to do something (something to report)
whereas women communicate in order to connect with what’s been going on in someone’s life and inner
world. That’s why she wants to know every little thing about your day and wants to tell you every little thing
about hers: because details are the raw materials for building rapport.

3. How would you describe the conversations in your relationship?

a. Like an interview on Larry King
b. Like the 2004 Presidential debate
c. Like crickets on a summer night
d. Like teenage sweethearts on the phone
e. Other ________. Explain
Another way to understand women and their need for conversation is what author Robert Wolgemuth in his
book The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life describes as “conversation without destination.” Men view
conversation as a goal; it has a point. Get the message across and click it—“Next Tuesday? 4:30? Got it.
Thanks. Bye.” So it’s hard for men to call mom or talk to women because they know it’s going to be a
conversation without a destination. But it is important for men to understand that not all conversation,
especially with women, has to have an agenda or a finish line. Men, it’s not so much what you talk about
but the fact that you talk that makes the real difference for her.

4. Think back to when you first met your partner. Share one of the earliest significant and
enjoyable conversations you had. What was the subject of the conversation? What made it
fun?

Men, discover that conversation for the sake of conversation does have a destination point. It will help you
to stay connected and to keep your relationship strong. Seen from that angle, it does have a practical
purpose, right? Try these tips to show her love through communication:

ƒ Answer her questions. Use more than one phrase answers. Open up to her. Tell her how
you feel about things. Share your ideas, dreams, and frustrations. She’s the one person in
your life who actually cares and who won’t think any less of you.
ƒ Ask her questions and listen. How was her day? What did she think about that movie?
What is she upset about? What does she want? What does she like?
ƒ Let a conversation flow freely. Invite her onto the porch or go for a walk and just tell her
you’d like to talk, and just let the conversation go wherever it may. Don’t guide it. Don’t try to
find a bottom line. Just wander.

5. Commenting only on your own stuff – not on what your partner does or doesn’t do - which one
of the above do you find most challenging? Why?

6. Women, what are some things that you want to talk about with your man, and why? When do
you like talking to him?
7. Why is it hard for men to have conversation with women? Men, what hinders you from having
a good conversation?

Boundaries

“You’re here, but you’re not really here.” Men hear women complain that they “aren’t really there” when
they are with them. With technology making it possible to work from anywhere any time, and with the
pressure men feel to be providers and successful in the marketplace, it’s easy for women to feel like men
are never truly “off the clock” when they are constantly taking work calls, checking e-mail, or checking their
schedule on their Blackberry™. And many men just work long and difficult hours several nights a week and
have no energy for anything else, especially knowing that there are other tasks to be done around the
house. For men there is always work to do. What men need to know, though, is that women are not
looking for undivided attention all the time. But she does want there to be clear boundaries between work
and home. Those boundaries show her that she comes first and work isn’t always in the #1 slot. It is a way
for her to feel valued, but it also ensures that he values her and that he actually experiences the most
important relationship in his life.

7. Besides work, what other things become priorities ahead of your relationship? Speaking bout
yourself only, what do you (not your partner) do that may communicates that may
communicate that the relationship is not a priority?

8. What kind of boundaries can you establish to make your relationship a number one priority or
to make it stronger?