Developing shared control with your child,

but it's their way or the highway…

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 Shared Purpose Matrix

5 senses Experiencing
What behaviors will I see or hear you What behaviors will I see or hear you
using to get relief from the yucky using to move towards what is
stuff? important to the group?

What yucky stuff gets in the way? Who or what is important to you in
our shared purpose?

Mental Experiencing

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 The Noticing Grid: Our Point of View

Noticing How can I get back

What people see What other will do
Level to a level 1

Too Big
for the
environment

A little too
big

moving a
little too fast
for the
environment

Just right
Matching
the
Environment
Engaged

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DNA-V Model of Psychological Flexibility
https://dnav.international/

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 What is Shared Control?

● All adult control

● All child control
● Sooo many shades in the middle!
● On off control
● Shared control

What does this look like?

● Adult control
○ Child is following your drections or rules
○ Adult is picking the activity
○ Adult using forced choice questions
○ Adult is directing the interaction
○ Interaction based on adult values/rules
○ Adult directives if a problem or conflict arises
● Child control
○ Child is directing the interactions
○ Child is making valued choices
○ Adult is following child directions
○ Child directives is a problem or conflict arises
● Shared control
○ Collaborative engaging a bit of both ideas or agendas
○ Compromising
○ Talking out loud
○ Sharing ideas
○ Flexibly shifting between adult and childs wants and needs
○ Problem solving collaboratively when a conflict or problem
arises

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 What hill do I need to die on? Adult Noticing

THERE IS NO DEMAND WORTH DYING ON A HILL EXCEPT FOR SAFETY

● As a society and groups of people we need rules to organize and be efficient
○ Can we evaluate:
■ Helpful and not helpful rules
■ What makes us efficient?
■ What keeps us safe?
■ Is there more than one way to get to a solution
● Can you clearly define for everyone involved categories of rules?
○ Safety
○ Household
○ Personal
○ Are there other context that need a category?
■ Two different homes
■ School
■ Daycare
■ Respite

Control CAN be Flexible!! AND a skill to work on!

● What kind of day is the child or adult having?

○ Define this what does it look like? How do you know? How would another
person know?
■ Awesome day (adult or child):
● I got this
● I can be flexible
● I am engaged and learning
● Joy is easy to find
■ So so day
● I am needing lots of help

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 ●
I am more rigid
●
Getting too big over things that I can normal jump right into or
complete without complaint or minimal complaint
● I am having a hard time finding my joy
■ Hard day
● I am getting to big over things that are normally not a problem at
all
● My fuse is really short
● I am not finding a lot of joy in many things I am doing
● I need lots of time to recoup
IT IS OK TO DROP A DEMAND!! You will not create a defiant monster.

● How are we teaching shared control?

○ Are we noticing when our ideas match??

● When we are noticing other peoples ideas?

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Copyright 2023 Eclipse Therapy, LLC
● Can we notice when emotions show up? Especially heavy and can we cary
those with us?

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● Can we point out when it turns into a YES or NO to share control?

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 Teaching Collaborative Problem Solving
Modeled after Dr. Ross Greene
https://www.cpsconnection.com/the-cps-model

1. Identify the conflict or problem

a. Adult
b. Child
2. What emotions are showing up?
a. Adult
b. Child
3. Do I need to get a bit of relief from those emotions and slow down before we
continue?
a. Adult
b. Child
4. I am ready to problem solve!
a. Adult
b. Child
5. Identify the problem or conflict
a. Adult Perspective
b. Child Perspective
6. Identify potential solutions

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 a. Adult ideas
b. Child ideas
c. Is there a combination of ideas?
7. Come to an agreement on solution to try one!!
8. Try the potential plan
9. Evaluate the outcome
10. Can we notice and add to our Advisor tool box?

Remember control can be flexible except in safety situations

DROP the rope if needed! We can come back to learning if we can stay regulated and
connected!

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 Legal

Suggestions today are a mixture of presentations done based on my years as a Board

Certified Behavior Analyst/business owner and observing the ways in which BCBAs can be
successful or not within our bounds of competencies.

Eclipse Therapy is here as a training resource; in the event of any conflict between my
training tips and the advice of your employer, the BACB, or funding sources the advice of your
employer, the BACB, or funding sources prevails!

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