Without Xiao YuAn

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/35770384.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: M/M
Fandom: 穿成囚禁男主的反派要如何活命 - 伊依以翼 | How to Survive as a Villain
- Yī Yī Yǐ Yì
Relationship: Xiao Yu'an/Yan Heqing
Character: Xiao Yu'an (How to Survive as a Villain), Chen Ge (How to Survive as a
Villain), Yan HeQing (How to Survive as a Villain)
Additional Tags: Missing Scene, Canon Compliant, Hurt No Comfort, Yan HeQing's very
canon sucidal ideations, All Yan HeQing wants is to live for Xiao YuAn,
references to past self harm, I see a fandom with 15 fics and say yes
this is the place for me, Canon-Typical Violence
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2021-12-17 Completed: 2021-12-22 Chapters: 7/7 Words:
20294

Without Xiao YuAn

by sentient_wren

Summary

Yan HeQing doesn’t want to see anyone aside from Xiao YuAn. He definitely doesn’t want
anyone else healing him as he tries to once again pull himself back from that precipice he
promised himself he would not fall over now he knows Xiao YuAn doesn’t hate him. But
Xiao YuAn isn’t here. Why isn’t he here? What could have made him not be here?

--
Yan HeQing wakes up after Xiao YuAn and Chen Ge save him from the Eastern Wu
Kingdom's ambush to find Xiao YuAn isn't there.

Filling in Yan HeQing's story between chapters 158 and 162

Notes

This story revolves around self blame, grief, suicidal ideation, and being witness self harm.
Please don't read it if you feel these subjects are not suitable for your well-being.

There only kind of happy ending here, as your happy ending is returning to the book's
timeline in chapter 162.

See the end of the work for more notes

 Xiao YuAn isn't here
Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations

When Yan HeQing tries to open his eyes there was only grey. Momentarily it feels familiar. There
was a moment in the past– perhaps what is actually the present – when whenever he opened his
eyes the world was a vague grey outline.

In that time he was also in pain, also disoriented. Then there was also a strong hand gently pressing
him back onto the bed telling him to stay still. Despite the pain coursing through his body Yan
HeQing leans back and relaxes. He must be back on the mountain. Xiao YuAn must be the one
pressing him back into the bed. Although his voice is no longer the soft hum of a woman’s it must
be him. Yan HeQing is safe.

Although grey is all he can see and his entire body is a single unit of overwhelming pain this
memory makes his circumstances feel almost comforting in a strange way. Xiao YuAn is here,
watching over him, keeping him safe.

Yan HeQing falls back into unconsciousness. At some point he feels a light pressure on the bed, as
if someone is resting a hand on the mattress. It must be Xiao YuAn not wanting to wake him.

Only when he hears a second voice’s hushed tone does Yan HeQing begin to pull himself out of
his unconscious state and back into his grey vision, his other senses beginning to pick up on his
surroundings too.

His legs hurt. His arm hurts. His back hurts. His head is splitting. He feels by all means he should
not be alive. But unlike the past year when he would be disappointed to wake up still alive in this
state Yan HeQing now endures it. Once his vision clears he’ll be able to see Xiao YuAn. Xiao
YuAn can kiss away his pain.

“... tore open his shoulder again as he carried him back.”

“In the past he’s been so bad with pain, always wailing at the slightest touch. Did he really let you
clean it without complaint?”
“Chen Ge refused to leave his majesty’s side but also wouldn’t wake him with his tears. He said he
can’t trust his majesty’s safety with anyone else due to the ambush. He also kept saying that he
something important to tell his majesty when he wakes, but every time I’ve asked all he does is
start crying. Look at him. He’s been by his majesty’s bed since they got back guarding. I think this
is the first time I’ve seen him sleep.”

Hearing this Yan HeQing is pulled out of the illusion that he’s back in the cabin on the mountain
with Xiao YuAn. Sorting through his memories he can start to piece together what happened last.

He confessed to Xiao YuAn, asked for an answer from Xiao YuAn, was about to fuck Xiao YuAn.
And then he didn’t. He wasn’t sure why. There were many reasons why. He didn’t want to hurt
Xiao YuAn only to leave. He wanted Xiao YuAn’s wholehearted answer to his declarations of
love. He didn’t want to go a sleepless night before a big mission. He just wanted Xiao YuAn to be
fully his. Wait for the danger to pass before publicly declaring his love. Wait until he had the
ability to protect Xiao YuAn even when he’s away from camp, like Xiao YuAn tried so hard to do
for him in the Northern Kingdom’s palace.

Instead, he left in the middle of the night with only a kiss to Xian YuAn’s sleeping forehead to lead
his elite soldiers on a stealth mission. And then…

And then they were surrounded. He thought, creeping through the woods with only the moonlight
to guide them, that the snaps of twigs in the distance was his party spreading out, creating an
invisible wall that no one could slip by. He failed to realize that an invisible wall through the trees
was being formed, only he was the one at the center.

By the time the Eastern Wu soldiers made their move Yan HeQing’s only chance was to flee. In
the past he would have fought. Would have happily taken this as an opportunity to try and die after
Xiao YuAn’s rejection. But today was different. Today he had to make it back to the barracks, to
Xiao YuAn. Yan HeQing shouted to his men and they all turned and ran.

They ran until the ground dropped away. In the darkness he saw the silhouettes of a few men
vanish, accompanied by the panicked screams of them falling. The rest of the elite soldiers were
forced to stop their retreat and draw their weapons to wait for the inevitable Eastern Wu soldiers to
emerge from the darkness.

Backs against the emptiness of the cliffs everything was silent. Yan HeQing knew that if he
couldn’t flee to make it back to Xiao YuAn unharmed, he could fight to make it back to him in an
unknown state. Yan HeQing had total faith in Xiao YuAn’s ability to pull him back from whatever
ledge between life and death he stood on, as long as he could make it off this one.

The ensuing battle was quick. Yan HeQing only brought a hundred of his best men, but they were
surrounded by ten times that. It was like the Eastern Wu soldiers knew their movements, knew
their combat style, knew their plans.

One moment Yan HeQing was fighting, the next he was run through with a sword from the front
and two other blades slammed into him from the sides. Sharp pain burst through his chest as he
began to cough up blood. A large foot slammed into his chest to push him off the sword, shoving
him backwards, forcing him to lose his footing. Yan HeQing slipped on the loose gravel at the
edge of the cliff and slowly began to fall, tumbling and bouncing down the tall cliff until he
slammed into a large stone. All the air in his chest and a lot of blood were forced out. He vaguely
heard someone begin to shout “His maiest—” before it was muffled like that mouth was covered
by a hand. That was all he heard before darkness enveloped his vision.

As Yan HeQing lay draped over that jagged rock clinging to the faintest thread of consciousness,
all he knew was that he didn’t want to die this time. He spent a year trying to die. Throwing
himself onto the battlefield in a desperate attempt to be killed. Without Xiao YuAn there was no
point in continuing to live, yet he could not bring himself to kill himself. He couldn’t bring himself
to be like his own mother. To be like Xiao YuAn’s mother. To be like Xiao YuAn in his first life.
Is this how Xiao YuAn felt in his first life? Anguished. In pain. Trapped. Nowhere to go. Swords
stabbing his chest with only a high empty space behind him to throw himself into, the undeniable
promise of death being the only chance of true relief. But throwing himself off that ledge didn’t
bring Xiao YuAn relief. Instead it gave him the Northern emperor’s life. Is this also how Xiao
YuAn felt when the Southern Yan Kingdom conquered the Northern Kingdom? He knows it’s
how he felt when the original emperor conquered his home so long ago. Before he met the real
Xiao YuAn.
The real Xiao YuAn. The reason he wanted to die so much this past year. The reason he
desperately wanted to be killed for what felt like an eternity. The reason he desperately didn’t want
to die today.

After that Yan HeQing could only recall vague snippets of what happened. The rock that caught
him was partially up the cliff face. He knew that. He could recall three young soldiers trying to
quietly and carefully haul him down the cliff face without drawing attention or causing him too
many more injuries, but it was too late. He was sliced open, stabbed through, bludgeoned, and
concussed as far as his hazy mind could tell. He was already as hurt as he had ever been.

Yan HeQing thinks he remembers one of the young soldiers losing his footing and falling off the
rock wall while trying to support him down, a scream as the young man protected Yan HeQing’s
limp form as he was partially impaled by a hanging tree and left to dangle, dropping Yan HeQing
onto the hard ground below. He thinks he remembers that young man faintly telling the others to
hide his majesty and come back to tell him they hid him. That he can’t move off this tree, but
maybe he can hang onto life until aid comes, might be able to tell them where to go to find Yan
HeQing as long as the others could defend him, or divert attention from his hiding place.

After that young man’s gasping voice Yan HeQing remembers even less. Being carried. Rough
hands pushing him from below. His shoulder pulled from its socket as his body swung through the
air as he was pulled up by that arm. Cold hard rocks pressed into his face. Overwhelming darkness.
Faint voices moving away. Distanced clangs of metal on metal. A far off but semi-familiar voice
miserably screams one last time as life leaves his lungs. A second, terribly similar sceam.

Then nothingness.

Then Xiao YuAn’s desperate voice calling out to him.

Recalling all this Yan HeQing lifts his hand to his forehead. It’s incredibly hard as he has no
energy and it feels like his shoulder might be permanently ruined. Resting his hand over his eyes
Yan HeQing now realizes that his vision is grey not because he’s back in that cabin where he
initially confessed his love to Xiao YuAn, but rather because a damp grey cloth is draped over his
forehead, covering his eyes. Slowly, painfully, he pulls it off his face and turns his head to look at
Xiao YuAn, who is resting his head and hands on the side of the bed.

Only it’s not Xiao YuAn. It’s not Xiao YuAn at all. Instead of Xiao YuAn’s small frame and
elegant face Yan HeQing is face to face with a large, burly man covered in mud and blood streaked
with tear tracks. It takes him a few seconds to recognize who is this person invading his space,
taking the space only Xiao YuAn is supposed to occupy.

“General Chen?” Yan HeQing breathes. It’s the best he can do given his current state.

Although his utterance is very faint the man stirs awake almost instantly.

“Where’s Xiao…”

Before he even finishes his sentence Yan HeQing watches through blurry eyes as Chen Ge’s face
contorts and turns red. Against the man’s will large tears begin to slide down the already
established tear tracks as Chen Ge tries to speak but ends up just gasping for air through his sobs,
leaving Yan HeQing looking on with a blank expression.

Before Chen Ge can pull himself together enough to answer Yan HeQing’s implied question about
Xiao YuAn, or even tell him where he is, another man is clearly drawn over by Chen Ge’s sobs at
Yan HeQing’s waking.
Yan HeQing’s vision hasn’t fully cleared yet so he can only make out the outline of a tall, thin man
in physician's robes. Immediately his heart rate increases. This must be Xiao YuAn coming over
with an ointment or salve or balm some sort of healing substance that Xiao YuAn would gently rub
over Yan HeQing’s wounds, just as he’s done so many times before. Yan HeQing can faintly feel
the sensation of Xiao YuAn kissing his wounds. He knew Xiao YuAn wouldn’t be far. He told him
that if he wasn’t there when he returned Yan HeQing would search all over the world for him, even
if he has to dig three feet down to find him. Xiao YuAn wouldn’t leave him ever again. It didn’t
matter that the Southern Yan Kingdom suffered a major blow because in his heart he didn’t belong
to the Southern Yan Kingdom anymore, he belonged to Xiao YuAn, and as long as Xiao YuAn was
here everything would be okay, even if nothing was okay.

As soon as the man opens his mouth and says “Your Majesty” instead of Yan-ge this second
illusion of Xiao YuAn’s comfort breaks. Xiao YuAn wouldn’t address him as your majesty.

If Xiao YuAn isn’t here in the tent… If Yan HeQing left camp without establishing extra
protections for Xiao YuAn, who isn’t here now… Quickly it becomes too much as his mind
immediately begins to flood with scenarios of him being unable to protect Xiao YuAn, of Xiao
YuAn being recognized and attacked, of Xiao YuAn abandoning him again, of Xiao YuAn waking
to follow him that night only to find himself alone and surrounded by that siege of enemies…No.
He can’t keep imagining those scenarios. He won’t let himself. Only, despite trying not to, can he
hear the faint sound of Xiao YuAn’s desperate cries. He hopes that it’s just his imagination.

Yan HuQing feels his chest begin to tighten and his already labored breathing become even more
painful. He tries desperately not to hear Xiao YuAn shouting “Yan-Ge! Can you hear me?” in his
head, to no avail. It’s all he can hear. He feels iron rising in his throat. It’s like that time in Taoyuan
Village when Zhang Changsong said he qi deviated, only this time is worse. This time it’s
consuming his whole being. This time he’s already laying down, he can’t fall into Xiao YuAn’s
warm arms. This time he cannot escape it, cannot breathe, cannot exist beyond the pain and the
illusionary cries of Yan-Ge!

He doesn’t want to see anyone aside from Xiao YuAn. He definitely doesn’t want anyone touching
him as he tries to once again pull himself back from that precipice he promised himself he would
not fall into now he knows Xiao YuAn doesn’t hate him. But Xiao YuAn isn’t here. Why isn’t he
here? What could have made him not be here?

“Get out.” Yan HeQing half snarls, half gasps at the outline of the approaching physician holding a
large bowl.

“I– What? You majesty I have to look over your wounds. You’ve been seriously injured. If you
don’t let me clean your wounds...” His voice fades away as Yan HeQing is clearly preparing to
drag his mangled body off the bed and murder anyone who gets near him.

“Everyone out.” It’s a broken growl, as though in the fall Yan HeQing’s throat was injured too.
“Not you,” he adds as Chen Ge pulls himself away from his stool by the bed. He knows Chen Ge
knows something about why Xiao YuAn isn’t here based on how he reacted when Yan HeQing
whispered Xiao YuAn’s name.

Everyone files out, leaving only Yan HuQing and Chen Ge in the small medical tent. Yan
HeQing’s head is rotated towards Chen Ge with the rest of his body flat against the bed, quivering
as waves of pain constantly surge through his body. He would think that he would be used to it
now given how many times he’s tried to get himself killed on the battlefield, but this time is
different. This time he needs to survive. With a single word he commands Chen Ge to relay what
has happened. “Speak.”
Chen Ge slowly breathes in and out a few times, trying to calm himself. He might look like a tough
military man but really he is a man who lives in fear of pain and heartbreak. What he needs to tell
Yan HeQing contains both. Glancing at Yan HeQing’s flat expression through his own tears he
quickly averts his eyes, looking up at the ceiling to try to prevent his own tears.

Slowly he opens his mouth and says, “Two days ago, after we all thought you were dead, General
Huang Yue…”
 Xiao YuAn's Love Without the Man Himself
Chapter Summary

Yan HeQing learns what happened during the rescue and begins his search for Xiao
YuAn.

Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations, handling of corpses

See the end of the chapter for more notes

All through recounting Huang Yue imprisoning Xiao YuAn, Chen Ge rescuing Xiao YuAn, Xiao
YuAn’s absolutely instance that Yan HeQing was still alive, and the pair finding Yan HeQing in
the roof of the cave Chen Ge is able to, for the most part, keep his composure.

The whole time while Chen Ge was speaking Yan HeQing maintained his neutral face.
Occasionally a faint grimace would cross it, sometimes for the physical pain, sometimes from the
mental pain of Chen Ge’s account. If Chen Ge had actually looked at Yan HeQing’s face though
he would have seen anxiety and moments of true fear flashing through his eyes. But Chen Ge
doesn’t look at his face. Chen Ge’s eyes are firmly glued to the roof as he tries to keep his own
tears from sliding down his face.

“I, I tried to be the distraction. Your majesty I really did. But Physician Xiao insisted it be him. He,
he can’t ride a horse, he couldn’t even carry your body to the horse. With Huang Yue suspecting
he’s the spy he couldn’t assure your or his own safety even if you two made it back.” Before telling
Yan HeQing what actually happened Chen Ge rattled on his apologetic explanation why he is here
instead of Xiao YuAn. It’s as if he’s afraid to admit what actually happened.

What really happened? What does he mean by distraction? Who was the distraction? Xiao YuAn
was the distraction? Yan HeQing’s pain-addled mind is reeling, to the point that he can no longer
hear Chen Ge. He can no longer hear his own thoughts. He can only hear a loud ringing and the
faintest illusion of Xiao YuAn’s voice.

“Yan-Ge! Can you hear me?”

“I don’t like him; that I was only willing to be with him because that way, I could enjoy the glory
and the wealth without any worries.”

“As long as I’m with him, I’m extremely happy.”

His chest is suddenly covered in red from the blood pouring out of his mouth and his wounds
ripping open as he curls in upon himself coughing while gasping for air. Yan HeQing is somewhat
pulled back to reality by the sound of Xiao YuAn’s name.

“I’m sorry, your majesty,” Chen Ge’s panicked voice sounds far away, “I think I have to borrow
Physician Xiao’s wisdom.” Chen Ge brings a knife hand down on Yan HeQing to knock him out,
just as Xiao YuAn had whenever Chen Ge got too overwhelmed by pain.

Chen Ge might not have much medical knowledge, but at the minimum he can recognize the signs
of qi deviation. He noticed earlier Yan HeQing was experiencing panicked breathing but wasn’t
sure. Now, as he recounted what happened, Chen Ge clearly knew what was happening. Given Yan
HeQing’s current state and without any physicians nearby he needed to do something quickly
before Yan HeQing seriously injured himself. Physician Xiao didn’t throw himself at the enemy to
save Yan HeQing only for Yan HeQing to qi deviate and die. Yan HeQing must survive. If for
nothing else, to hear that Physician Xiao truly loved him. Loves him, Chen Ge quickly amends to
himself.

By the time Yan HeQing wakes up he has clearly been moved. Instead of a makeshift tent he’s
inside a warm, wooden room. The bed is soft and some incense is burning. He can faintly feel that
the bandages encompassing his entire body are no longer rough and stiff with blood. Instead they
are soft, gently wrapping around his body like a hug.

Cautiously looking around no one is directly by his bedside. He can faintly see Chen Ge sitting by
the door, facing out. He wants to call out to him, to find out what happened to Xiao YuAn, but the
words catch in his throat. What if his panicking imagination isn’t just panic? What if the reason
Chen Ge kept insisting he wanted to be the distraction is because Xiao YuAn actually threw
himself at the enemy to give Chen Ge a chance to escape with him? If he couldn’t bring himself to
live with Xiao YuAn hating him, could he really bring himself to continue to live without Xiao
YuAn entirely? Yan HeQing thinks to himself that he’s too afraid to actually know the answer.
Stifling a whimper Yan HeQing rolls over to face the wall as tears begin to crawl down his face.

After what feels like an eternity but is actually twenty minutes he can’t stand it anymore. Being
alone with his imagination is worse than whatever General Chen could possibly tell him. Yan
HeQing rolls back over and coughs lightly to draw Chen Ge’s attention.

Chen Ge spins around and sees him awake. Immediately he turns to rush out of the room to call
someone over, but Yan HeQing stops him.

“Don’t. We,” he pauses to take a shuddering breath. “I need you to tell me what you were going to
tell me. I need to know right now. Where’s Xiao YuAn?”

Chen Ge pauses at the door before walking back to the bedside. He pulls over a stool and sits
down. This time he’s more composed. His face has finally been washed, and although his eyes are
clearly still red with emotion. This time he doesn’t cry. With an unnerving composure compared to
the man who was previously covered in snot and tears, Chen Ge begins to speak.

“Like I told you, the cave was being approached. They were going to search until they found you. I
wanted to be a distraction so he could take you and escape, but, but, Physician Xiao insisted that he
would draw the men away so that I could bring you back to the barracks. He didn’t believe that he
could ensure your safety.” Chen Ge’s eyes were flickering between fearfully watching Yan
HeQing’s reactions and actively avoiding looking at Yan HeQing, as though he was afraid of
seeing something too personal. “He ran out of the cave towards the men. I don’t know what–”
Chen Ge turns his head pointedly to not look at Yan HeQing on the bed as he finishes this sentence
in a quiet tone. “The last thing I heard was his screams echoing through the valley by the time I got
back to the horse with you.”

Chen Ge pauses for a moment. Yan HeQing looks towards him but can’t truly see him. Much like
when he was in the cabin with Xiao YuAn his vision is blurred, only this time it is obscured by
tears.

“And then?” When Yan HeQing was imagining what Chen Ge might tell him he imagined
something like this. He also imagined immediately beheading Chen Ge on the spot if he said
anything about letting Xiao YuAn get hurt. But now he finds his voice is defeated. Broken. Unable
to express anything, not even his own pain.

“And then I brought you back here. I couldn’t turn around. I couldn’t let his efforts go to waste.
I’ve sent men to go look every day since but they haven’t found him yet.” Chen Ge paused,
looking like he was bracing himself to deliver a major blow to Yan HeQing although Yan HeQing
could not imagine what would be a greater blow to him than what Chen Ge already said.

Speaking softly, Chen Ge continues. “Yan- Your majesty. Physician Xiao told me to tell you that
he likes you, loves you. That he’s not afraid of anything to be with you, he would go through
anything for you. When he left the cave all he wanted was for you to survive, so please…”

He falls into a silence. Or perhaps Yan HeQing stops listening. An unknown amount of time
passes before Chen Ge cautiously pats the very edge of the blanket, stands, and says something
Yan HeQing does not process.

Throughout the next few days an unknown number of people pass through his room. Some are
physicians, some are generals with news, some are there just to clean and deliver food. The entire
time Chen Ge sits by the door, keeping guard. He never looks towards Yan HeQing, obviously
afraid to meet his eye. He never leaves either. He clearly does not trust those in the encampment
after Xiao YuAn was framed as a spy. Other people can enter, other people can guard Yan HeQing,
but he does not leave.

Late at night, when Yan HeQing thinks Chen Ge is asleep he finally quietly cries. After a while he
hears Chen Ge’s near silent sobs coming from the cot by the door joining his own. He ignores it,
but he at least knows Chen Ge’s sincerity means that he couldn’t have lied about Xiao YuAn’s
confession. Xiao YuAn loves him.

When the seventh day after the ambush arrives Yan HeQing is still a broken man, but he’s now a
broken man with a strong belief. Xiao YuAn is not dead.

Chen Ge sent people the first two days to search for him. Many bodies were recovered, but none
were reported to be Xiao YuAn. Despite this Yan HeQing couldn’t believe it without proof. He
ordered that none of the bodies would be buried. Instead, they were all to be treated respectfully,
with honors of elite soldiers, and laid out for him to personally inspect. Other people don’t know
Xiao YuAn like he does. Other people might overlook him amongst nearly a hundred corpses.
Until Yan HeQing sees Xiao YuAn’s corpse laid out he is not dead.

The physicians – who are not Xiao YuAn – wanted to wait longer before allowing Yan HeQing to
move around, but one of the generals insisted that the bodies have laid in wait for seven days, their
souls would be departing to the underworld and they needed proper funerary treatment. Yan
HeQing is desperate to inspect the bodies and immediately agrees with his general. As a result he
allows himself to be gingerly lifted and carried to a shaded field.

Anxiety wells in his heart. What if everyone else is right? What if he finds Xiao YuAn here? He
has been so determined to convince himself that Xiao YuAn is alive that he hasn’t let himself
consider what he will do if he’s actually dead. But he won't be here. He's not dead.

Investigating the bodies was a long and awkward process for everyone. Yan HeQing is still too
injured to move much under his own power, but respectfully moving one hundred bodies that all
have been cut open in battle and left for seven days is equally as unwieldy. In the end they settle
with moving the bodies into small circles and carefully placing Yan HeQing in the center to
inspect the group. He has to almost lay on his side, propped up by a pillow to prevent bending his
injured leg and stomach too much. He does sit upright too, although he can't do it for long before
pain and fatigue overwhelm him.

By the third hour Yan HeQing feels ill. It actually struck him almost immediately but his anxiety
was able to overpower his nausea. Ignoring the urge to vomit and stabbing pain he slowly rotates
his own body to study the next corpse. As much as he represses all that he can he can't stop the
tears that slowly begin to slide down his face and his breathing is shaky. No one reacts except the
physician, who gasps a bit and begins to move forward but is held back by Chen Ge. "It's not his
body that's hurting," he whispers.

It's becoming too much. It was too much from the beginning, but now it really is. Yan HeQing is
sitting in a field of corpses, slowly pulling the coverings off each face, carefully brushing aside any
hair that might block Xiao YuAn's delicate features. Some corpses' faces are too deeply cut open,
too crushed, too coated in immovable dried blood for Yan HeQing to identify so he has to pull off
the rest of the covering, sending searing pain through his broken shoulder to match the pain in his
chest. Each body might be Xiao YuAn, and even if it isn't him that means it's the body of one of
Yan HeQing's companions. The fact it took him three hours of this torture to being to cry shows
how strong he is. Or how broken.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse is an enemy's body. It needs to be separated out.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

Painfully Yan HeQing rotates his body to face more covered bodies in the circle.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn, but it is a man who surely is far too young to be an elite soldier.
If he had the willpower he would wonder who the young man was.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

The next corpse isn't Xiao YuAn.

Yan HeQing is moved to the next circle of bodies and the process begins again.

This body doesn't belong to Xiao YuAn.

This body doesn't belong to Xiao YuAn.

This body doesn't belong to Xiao YuAn.

This body doesn't belong to Xiao YuAn.

This body belongs to a man he actually considered a good friend, but it doesn't matter. He is not
Xiao YuAn. It actually does matter. But he is still not Xiao YuAn.

This body doesn't belong to Xiao YuAn.

This body doesn't belong to Xiao YuAn.

By the eighth corpse in the circle Yan HeQing is numb and crying, forcing himself not to wretch
on his own tears or collapse from the wounds he can feel tearing open with each move. He barely
has the strength to continue sitting upright. But he has to keep going. There's only a few more
circles left. A few dozen more of the men he personally led into that trap to inspect before he
knows that Xiao YuAn is not among them.

What will he do if Xiao YuAn is not among them? But what will he do if he is? Can he continue
on like this? Without Xiao YuAn? Xiao YuAn's hatred broke him. What can he do having Xiao
YuAn's love without the man himself?

The ninth body in the circle is fully covered by a white sheet with blooms of brown formed across
it from the dried blood. Before he moves the sheet off his face Yan HeQing’s breathing hitches.
The overall shape under the sheet looks like the former northern emperor’s body. Xiao YuAn's
body. What began as his hand quivering turns into a full body tremble as Yan HeQing pulls aside
the face covering.

The hair...the hair looks the right length. But that's the only part of the face that could possibly be
identified. His face is entirely crushed in, as though a horse stepped on it. There are no identifiable
features left in the mess of pulverized flesh and bone.

Trying as hard as he can to maintain himself, unsure if he's trying to hold back sick, tears, or hold
back his soul from departing his body, Yan HeQing jerkily drags the large sheet off the rest of his
body. His movement is so abrupt, so without the restraint he's used all day to prevent further injury,
that Yan HeQing feels something in his abdomen tear. He lets out a loud sound somewhere
between a gasp and a wail as he hunches over himself, sitting in a ball on the ground. Still, he
forces himself to look at the body.

The rest of the man's body is not in a much better state than his face. It looks as though someone
purposely walked a horse over it several times. But the general size of it matches Xiao YuAn. The
undamaged bits of revealed skin is similarly soft and pale. This body is dirtier than many of its
counterparts.

Absolute fear floods Yan HeQing. Before he handled so many corpses of the men he once
commanded that he was numbed. But now, looking at this crushed body that probably is Xiao
YuAn, every sensation comes rushing back to him. Chen Ge said he heard Xiao YuAn screaming
so loudly it echoed through the entire wooded valley as they left. Could this be why? How could he
have endured such a thing? How can Yan HeQing endure knowing Xiao YuAn suffered so much
for him? He begins to gasp at the air at the thought that this might be the cause of Xiao YuAn's
parting screams.

Suddenly a new sense of panic rises in his mind. He has to know if this was Xiao YuAn's fate, but
he doesn't know how to tell without seeing his face, ideally his smile. The smile that he was once
denied for so long. The thought of his smile hurts Yan HeQing even more. His fear is how can he
identify his beloved's body when he hasn't personally explored it yet? Why didn't he fuck Xiao
YuAn when he offered? Then he would be able to identify his body now. What unique markings
does he know Xiao YuAn has? Why did think that he was good enough to truly know Xiao YuAn?
He never knew what Xiao YuAn actually looks like, only what this body that he hates and loves
looks like. None of it is unique to Xiao YuAn. He can't stop his self hatred from welling up within
him for failing to take in all of Xiao YuAn when he had the chance. Now he might never get a
chance.

Ready to collapse on top of the crushed corpse Yan HeQing has a sudden flash of Xiao YuAn
holding a blood soaked dagger and shouting at him not to approach only to collapse into his arms,
two long streaks of blood running across his arm and dripping into frozen pools of red in the snow.
Injuries unique to Xiao YuAn. Injuries Xiao YuAn carved into himself when he thought Yan
HeQing hated him, when he thought it was better to kill himself for a second time than to fully
surrender himself to the Southern Yan Kingdom.

Injuries Yan HeQing held tight as he gripped a passed out Xiao YuAn, screaming to anyone in the
palace who could hear him to get help. Injuries that he planned to tend personally, except that Xiao
YuAn was tricked and fled the palace in fear for his life.

Injuries that still haunt Yan HeQing.

Desperately, Yan HeQing tries to rip away the sleeves on the body. One arm has a bracer and he
hopes that is not the arm with the scars. He tries desperately to tear away at the fabric of the
unprotected arm, crying out for a dagger as he bends over to try and tear the fabric with his teeth.

"Your majesty," Chen Ge's soft voice sounds behind him, clearly drawn over by his anguished cry
before. "That, that's not him. I don't know his name, but I can assure you that's not physician
Xiao."

Teeth still wrapped around the tight immovable cuff Yan HeQing slows his frantic movements for
a moment to glance at the man standing above him. Looking up Yan HeQing suddenly feels
pitifully small. Tears are pouring down his chin, mixing with the blood he had been working so
hard to keep from coughing up. His white mourning robes are covered in dirt and his own blood
from his ripped wounds, as well as fluids from the corpses that he would rather not think about.
He’s still holding the limp arm up to his own mouth when he lets out a breath. "How do you
know?"

"This man is the reason we found you. I personally buried him. When physician Xiao and I were
searching the valley for you we saw him fall out of a tree on the cliff. He's in such a state because
the Eastern Wu's general trampled him, but he was already dead. When I was going to bury him,
physician Xiao noticed he was gripping a plaque with your location carved on it. Without him I
don't think we ever would have found you in time."

Without him, Xiao YuAn wouldn't have found me and wouldn't have sacrificed himself.

The vile thought is a brief flash through his mind as he slowly sets down the arm of his benefactor.
This is clearly the man who fell down the cliff onto the tree when trying to rescue him. Yan
HeQing can still hear his voice telling the others to leave him and hide the prince, that he will try
to cling onto life long enough to send help. Although the man didn’t hang on he still was able to
send help. Yan HeQing shouldn't think such a horrible thought towards him even if it was his
plaque that led to Xiao YuAn hurling himself at the enemy.

"I would have left him buried there but it was such a shallow grave, not suited to his station. And
you ordered us to recover every single body. I, I hoped after I could give him a proper burial, since
 we might not be able to identify him."

Yan HeQing sinks into the ground, no longer maintaining the strength to hold himself up after so
long. "Yes. That sounds good. Can someone...I can't...not anymore"

Almost immediately two men come over and very carefully lift Yan HeQing. The whole while the
physician overseeing the ordeal hisses at them to be more careful, not to touch his shoulder or back
or leg or abdomen. Yan HeQing is numb again, but that doesn't stop him from finally vomiting all
over one of the men carrying him.

Faintly he hears Chen Ge and a few soldiers who were repeatedly treated by Xiao YuAn pick up
the inspections where Yan HeQing left. It didn't matter. None of them had seen Xioa YuAn’s face.
Seen his smile, nor had they seen the real man behind those very alive eyes. He wouldn't trust them
if they said he was there, and he wouldn't trust them if they said he wasn't. Tomorrow he would
return and resume his tortured search for his beloved.

Chapter End Notes

HTSAAV is written from XYA's point of view heavily biased by his perception of
YHQ's protagonist halo and sees him as unharmed until YHQ admits his trauma
surrounding XYA's death(s) and hurting himself, so I fully believe that YHQ is a sad,
desperate man who is absolutely broken by this experience.
 Yan HeQing can suffer alone for eternity
Chapter Summary

Yan HeQing travels to the last place Xiao YuAn was seen.

Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations

Yan HeQing is carried back to his room and set on the soft bed. A small herd of physicians rush
over to clean him and check his wounds. He can hear the overseeing physician scolding the
generals for allowing Yan HeQing to fall into such a state.

In the past Yan HeQing would have tried to push the physicians back, after all, in the past he was
trying to die. Today is different. Today he doesn't want to die. He just wants to find Xiao YuAn.
Much to their surprise he doesn't snarl and shove them away as they begin pulling the blood and
fluid soaked robes off him. Instead he lays on the bed compliant, shifting when they ask him to, not
showing his pain in the slightest.

He is in pain though. The physical pain, although amongst the worst pain he's ever experienced, is
negligible. It's the mental pain that is truly causing him to suffer. Spending hours pawing through
the corpses of the men he lead into a deadly ambush and seeing how destroyed they all are only
sends fear jolting through him thinking about what Xiao YuAn's fate might have been, about what
horrible things must have happened to him for Chen Ge to hear his screams from so far away. He
almost hopes that Xiao YuAn was killed as soon as he emerged from the cave so he wouldn't suffer
such a horrible death. It's this pain that's unbearable.

He knows he can suffer alone for eternity as long as Xiao YuAn never experiences pain.

That’s a lie. He can't suffer alone for eternity. Not without Xiao YuAn. But he can join Xiao YuAn
in the underworld for eternity. Once he knows whether Xiao YuAn is actually dead or not.

A physician hands him a small bowl and he drinks it without question. Only when his mind clouds
over and darkness consumes him does he realize it's a knockout drug. Good. He doesn't want to
exist anymore.

Yan HeQing wakes up the next day. His wounds have fresh bandages. Some of the smaller wounds
have scabbed over and are slowly disappearing already. He’s always healed quicker than most
people. It once tortured him that he would be so near death and his own body would betray him by
healing itself so fast. Now it meant he would be able to go search for Xiao YuAn sooner.

His mind snaps back to the previous day. Thinking of the field of corpses, something in his chest
tightens. Despite everyone's opposition Yan HeQing demands that he is carried back to the field
for corpses. He spends the next few hours inspecting each body.
None of them are Xiao YuAn.

"We're still sending men searching everyday. So far we've recovered 86 of our own men and 23
from Eastern Wu. Every so often we are finding new bodies, which we will report back to you with
immediately." A messenger stands by Yan HeQing’s bed reporting on the skirmish site.

Yan HeQing isn’t really listening. Instead he’s caught in his own thoughts. If Xiao YuAn was the
only one who could find him, maybe he's the only one who can find Xiao YuAn. After all, they're
good at finding each other. They found each other when Xiao YuAn first reincarnated into the
Emperor’s body. And when Yan HeQing was forced to kneel until he passed out in the snow. And
when Yan HeQing was injured on the mountain. And when Yan HeQing lay unconscious in the
cave ceiling...

Or maybe it's just that Xiao YuAn is good at finding him, and he's useless. A useless man who
keeps getting himself in situations Xiao YuAn needs to rescue him from. A useless man who keeps
hurting his love, losing his love. Who can't protect his love. Who once choked and beat his love
into a bruised ball that could barely breathe. Who even helped plan an ambush that almost killed
his love. A worse than useless, horrible man who allowed the only person he cares about to throw
himself into the blades of the enemy while he was carried off to safety.

A resolve settles in Yan HeQing’s mind. He might be a horrible man but Xiao YuAn isn’t. Xiao
YuAn isn't dead until he sees a body. He’s decided that. If his men can't find the body then he will
go to the valley himself to search for him. If he can't find him in the valley he will overtake Eastern
Wu in its entirety to find him. He said he would search the world for Xiao YuAn if he wasn't there
when he got back and he meant it. If he has to dig three feet down to find him he'll start in Eastern
Wu's capital, or better yet, Eastern Wu's emperor’s chest.

“Tomorrow I’m going to the valley myself.” Yan HeQing asserts, pulling himself out of his dazed
internal monologue. Quickly cutting off the objections he hears starting from all sides Yan HeQing
continues, “None of you are allowed to object. If you say I still need treatment you can move the
entire medical camp there. If you won’t let me, I'm going by myself.” Even if Yan HeQing can
barely sit up by himself it is not an empty threat.

Everyone ranked high enough to be in Yan HeQing’s private room knows the young prince well–
once he shows this determined face no one can stop him. This is what makes him such a powerful
soldier. Unfortunately, in this case it’s what makes him such a danger to himself. The best thing
they could do is aid him in his goal so that he doesn’t further hurt himself. A few of them feel
reassured that he now bares a stoic expression again, although a few who know him better feel this
is even more ominous. No one will be able to stop his search for this physician Xiao.

The next day a small caravan of carts moves out of the barracks. It’s slow progress as there is no
road to follow to the cliff and valley, so in some places a road must be cleared large enough for the
carts to move through single file. Various weapons and medical goods rattle as the carts move
along. Every bump that sends a box of herbs flying also sends Yan HeQing reeling. All his minor
wounds are healed or near healed by now, but his dislocated shoulder, bruised back, sliced open
thigh, and impaled stomach are still painful when jolted around. All it does is violently remind Yan
HeQing that Xiao YuAn might have suffered worse. Might still be suffering worse.

“General Chen, isn’t there any way we can move faster? The ride doesn’t need to be smooth for
my sake. We just need to get there.”

Chen Ge’s expression isn’t quite pity. It’s something else that leaves Yan HeQing slightly unsure
until he hears Chen Ge’s whisper to himself, “They really are soulmates. He asked that same
thing.” Looking up Chen Ge adjusts his posture and says in a self assured tone, “Your majesty, I’m
afraid this is as fast as we can move the carriages. This path has only been used by horses before
and must be widened as we go. We already have many men clearing the path ahead of us.”

Yan HeQing sits in silence for a moment, clearly displeased with his general’s answer. After
thinking it over, Yan HeQing begins again. “When Xiao YuAn said he couldn’t ride a horse you
said that you are a smooth ride even with a companion. You know the way to the valley, and you
already know the terrain of the valley. Stop the carriage and get a fast horse. You’re taking me
ahead.”

Chen Ge knows that if he doesn’t agree Yan HeQing will leave on horseback by himself. As much
as the overseeing physicians dislike it when Chen Ge informs them of the new plan they know this
fact too. After watching the broken man push himself beyond his limits to inspect every recovered
corpse the previous days everyone knows it. Within half an hour a small envoy of men on horses
set out ahead of the caravan. Most carry weapons and some bear bags of medical supplies in case
Yan HeQing tears his wounds open again. The horse in front carries a man in white being held up
by a second, larger man in black.

By midafternoon the envoy arrives at the small basecamp in the valley that houses the soldiers
searching for every single fallen body. Several men help Yan HeQing dismount, carrying him to a
tent that was prepared for his arrival to be examined and to rest. Yan HeQing had tried as hard as
he could to argue this step, but these were the terms he was forced to agree to in order to be
allowed to travel ahead of the caravan. And perhaps it’s wise that he’s forced to stop. He’s too tired
to even sit up– the last hour of travel he was entirely supported by Chen Ge’s embrace.

An embrace much like the one Yan HeQing held Xiao YuAn in when they first traveled to the
Southern Yan barracks. He really should not have let Xiao YuAn come with him. He knew it was a
risk, but he thought the biggest risk would be that Xiao YuAn might be recognized. When he
presented Xiao YuAn with that beautiful mask he believed he was taking appropriate precautions.
He thought that his station as prince meant he would be able to protect the former emperor in a
worst case scenario. But the real worst case scenario is so much worse than he could have
imagined that innocent morning when they set off, sharing a soft kiss and wrapped in each other’s
embrace. He knew he was a terribly greedy person when his heart filled with excitement that day.
He really shouldn’t have allowed Xiao YuAn to come. Yan HeQing now knows in his heart that he
is truly a horrible person who only inflicts pain onto those he loves.

As long as Xiao YuAn is alive he won’t let his own cursed existence hurt him anymore.

Maybe it truly would be better if he followed the path of his mother. The path of Xiao YuAn’s first
life. Xiao YuAn would understand, after all, he once told Yan HeQing one late night that he killed
himself to preserve the wellbeing of his brother. All Yan HeQing wants is Xiao YuAn’s
wellbeing.

But first he needs to ensure Xiao YuAn is alive.

Inside the makeshift medical tent Yan HeQing is stripped, prodded by cold hands, covered in
pungent ointments that burn, and is handed a bowl of horribly bitter medicine. He can hear a man
by the door saying that his injuries somehow were not worsened in the ride, and once he regains his
strength someone can take him to survey the valley.

Hearing this, still trying to chug down the bitter medicine, Yan HeQing chokes. It’s not because
he’s choking on the thick liquid but rather because he’s choking on tears. He can’t count how
many times he has felt overwhelmed by helplessness since he woke up without Xiao YuAn, but he
knows it's more times than he ever would have thought he could survive.

For nearly his entire life no one had seen him cry. His face has always maintained a noble, flat
expression. He could always expertly hide what he feels. Even when his mother killed herself,
when his father was murdered, when the Southern Yan Kingdom was destroyed and he was taken
prisoner he maintained a stoic expression and no one saw his tears.

And then ten days ago happened. Since then he can barely go half a day without tears welling up in
his eyes. He’s certain everyone has seen his tears, but he no longer cares. He wanted to publicly
declare his love for Xiao YuAn. If he can’t do it with a ceremony then he will do it with his tears.

Before the tent quiets down Yan HeQing is asleep. He was working so hard to cling to
consciousness during the journey but now there’s no reason to struggle. Sleep can grant him
momentary relief. Sleep can grant him momentary visions of Xiao YuAn’s lively eyes and bright
smile.

Unless…

Unless sleep is filled with visions of Xiao YuAn no longer smiling at him. Unless it’s filled with
Xiao YuAn handing the jade hairpin back to Yan HeQing, saying “It’s better for me to not have it.”
Unless it’s filled with Xiao YuAn carving deep gashes into his arm. Unless it’s filled with Xiao
YuAn’s delicate face superimposed over every one of the mangled bodies he searched. Unless it’s
filled with everything Yan HeQing fears.

Just like every slumber for the last ten days Yan HeQing cries himself to sleep.
 Yan HeQing's reality is one in which Xiao YuAn is no longer by his side
Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations

After two hours of sleep Yan HeQing drags his consciousness back to the world of the living.
Sleep did grant him a moment of happiness, his dreams consisting simply of Xiao YuAn’s soft
breath as he sleeps. This is how Yan HeQing spent many peaceful nights. He can understand why
the sound brings Xiao YuAn a sense of safety. He clenches his eyes shut to cling to these soft
breaths. Only after a moment he has to acknowledge that he has unfortunately woken up, but the
sound of soft breathing continues.

Maybe he has truly woken up. Maybe the nightmare he’s been living is in fact just a nightmare.
Maybe last night he fell asleep before he was able to return to his quarters and he’s actually just
laying on the small couch next to the emperor’s bed. When he opens his eyes he’ll be greeted by
lightly flowing curtains slightly obscuring Xiao YuAn.

Yan HeQing lays on the bed, eyes closed, listening to the breathing for a long time. All he wants is
to convince himself that this is the truth. He won’t even care about taking revenge against the
Northern Kingdom anymore as long as he can wake up in Xiao YuAn’s room.

Xiao YuAn once woke up in a different time, why can’t he?

As much as he wants to deny reality his pain doesn’t allow him. The constant pain in his back and
leg and shoulder and stomach demand that his reality is one in which Xiao YuAn is no longer by
his side.

Glancing over he sees Chen Ge’s familiar shape in the corner. There wasn’t a cot prepared for him
so he’s sleeping on the floor with his outer robe draped over himself. His soft breathing drifts over
to Yan HeQing.

In that moment Yan HeQing is grateful for Chen Ge. Despite being a respected general, Yan
HeQing never much liked the man. He always considered him weak, possibly a coward, and only a
general thanks to Xue Yan’s influence. He’s always shying away from battles, wailing when he
gets stabbed, even diverting his energy away from his job to chat with random civilians he passes.

But now Yan HeQing can understand he is a sincere man. He had more than enough reasons to end
Xiao YuAn’s life when he learned he was the Northern emperor, especially seeing as the Northern
Kingdom slaughtered his entire family. But he didn’t harm Xiao YuAn. Instead he freed him and
listened to his pleas to find Yan HeQing. Yan HeQing even believes he tried to throw himself at
the enemy in lieu of Xiao YuAn, something he originally thought the man was making up to save
his own neck from Yan HeQing’s blade. In the days since the ambush Chen Ge has almost always
been by his side. He never imposes himself on Yan HeQing, instead he stays in the corner trying
not to cry. He’s nothing like Xiao YuAn. The calm Xiao YuAn brings Yan HeQing can’t be
compared. But in this moment Chen Ge’s sleeping breath allows Yan HeQing his first waking
moments of peace in a very long time.

Maybe Xiao YuAn’s kindness has rubbed off on him.

His need to listen to someone breathing in order to sleep seems to have.

After waking up Yan HeQing is placed on a horse that Chen Ge leads. A ways away several
guards follow. As they walk through the trees Chen Ge begins to recount what happened. They
pass under a tree growing out of the rocky slope about eight feet above the valley floor. Patches of
the bark are stained almost black and dried blood runs past the tree roots onto the stone.

“This is where we saw that soldier fall out of the tree, the one who had your location inscribed on a
plaque. I still don’t know how he managed to do it.” Chen Ge reaches out as if he were tall enough
to the dark stain on the tree, his eyes beginning to overflow with tears. Yan HeQing wants to look
away, so he looks up. He can see the top of the cliff, maybe thirty feet up. A dozen or so feet
beneath the top is the rock Yan Heqing landed on when he was forcefully kicked off that sword. It
looks jagged. If he were to squint he would be able to see his own blood that flowed down the side
of the rock. The cliff face is near vertical and Yan HeQing has trouble imagining how those three
men were able to climb down it in the dark with his limp body in tow.

Of course, the stained tree is a reminder that not all of them made it. One died supporting him
down this slope. In his heart Yan HeQing corrects himself. None of them made it. He can recall
the other two's dying screams from that night. It's a faint memory, but he knows for certain what
happened.

Yan HeQing can feel iron rising in his throat and tears welling in his eyes. This is worse than he
imagined it would be. He thought he only cared about Xiao YuAn. It is the most painful weight
pressing down on his chest to know he’s to blame for whatever happened to Xiao YuAn, but now
he’s suddenly confronted with the deaths of all these men. Only 86 bodies have been recovered. He
knows he left with a hundred strong, very alive men. His best men. As far as they know only three
aside from himself survived, and one man’s fate is hanging in the balance even now.

When he searched the corpses their faces blended together, no one was an individual because no
one was Xiao YuAn. But now he’s forced to recognize that they are individuals. They were.

It’s entirely his fault. He made the final decision to pursue the remaining Western Shu soldiers
against his own reservations. He led his men into what was clearly a trap. He ordered them to run
away when they might have won if they had planted their feet and fought from the start like they
always do. He was utterly useless, falling off the cliff at the start of the battle. Those three men
who saved him. The other 83 recovered men. The missing men. Xiao YuAn. They're all his fault.
He’s to blame for every single one of them. He’s to blame for Xiao YuAn.

Xiao YuAn. Xiao YuAn, who he’s told himself over and over, isn't dead. No body, no death . He
repeats it to himself every waking minute. Xiao YuAn is out there and even if whatever happened
is his fault he has to find him.

Yan HeQing suppresses the blood rising in his throat and nausea in his stomach to pretend he’s
giving Chen Ge a moment to reflect before lightly clearing his throat to indicate they should move
on. It's the only sound he can manage that isn’t inhuman. Chen Ge keeps walking and talking, not
looking at Yan HeQing, giving him the chance to attempt to level his breathing. He feels that if he
keeps going he might suffer yet another qi deviation, but he also can’t stop right now. Not when
there’s a chance that there might be hints of what happened to Xiao YuAn.

Chen Ge leads the horse talking while Yan HeQing works on metering his breath so Chen Ge
won’t notice his current state. He can’t hear a single word Chen Ge says. Even staying upright on
the horse is beginning to be a struggle.

They make their way further into the valley, past where Chen Ge traversed that night. Yan HeQing
doesn’t notice it, but Chen Ge has stopped talking and his eyes flick towards him every few
seconds. Chen Ge picked up Yan HeQing’s uneven breathing a few minutes ago and fear is
beginning to creep into his own chest.

“Your majesty? Your majesty?”

Yan HeQing is unsure how many times Chen Ge repeated himself before he heard him. He knows
he can’t open his mouth without coughing up stomach bile or blood so all he does is lightly hum.

“Your majesty, we’re in a deep valley so we’ll lose light faster than we expect it to. Perhaps we
should turn around?”

Yan HeQing gives another vague hum as he moves his eyes across the ground to avoid actually
looking at the man peering up at him. His scattered vision falls on a patch of flat earth on the side
of the horse opposite Chen Ge. The ground is evenly compressed into a hard, flat layer. There are
three large dark stains on the dirt recognizable as old blood, with many smaller patches and drops
surrounding them. Although it has faded faint drag marks can be seen. What really catches Yan
HeQing’s eye is that the two larger dried pools are the same width apart as someone would place
their hands when lying on their stomach.

Trying harder than he ever has to repress the iron and bile in his throat Yan HeQing finally opens
his mouth, “Was a body retrieved from right there?”

Chen Ge pauses to check the detailed notes he carries of where each body was retrieved from.
Luckily, when everyone saw Yan HeQing’s initial reaction upon waking up they began to catalog
the details of each body they found, including their original locations. Pointing at the treeline to the
north Chen Ge says, “Um, no, it looks like the nearest body was found in those trees over there.”

A familiar feeling of panic sinks its claws into Yan HeQing’s chest. There’s too much blood for
something to not have happened here. The pools of dried blood are too perfectly distanced to not be
from someone’s limbs. Could this blood be Xiao YuAn’s? It’s so much blood. Too much blood. A
hardened soldier couldn’t survive this much blood loss, yet alone his soft Xiao YuAn. The
terrifying memory of blood so dark its nearly black ribboning down Xiao YuAn’s arm forces itself
into Yan HeQing’s mind. Is this why Chen Ge could hear his screams? Is this what happened to
him? If it really is Yan HeQing will…

Without thinking further Yan HeQing tries to dismount the horse. What is normally an effortless,
smooth movement is now Yan HeQing flinging his body off the horse to slam face first onto the
ground. He’s too fatigued and panicked to do anything else. He feels the wound in his stomach rip
open again as all the air is knocked out of his lungs. It doesn’t matter. He was already in pain and
already couldn’t breathe.

Chen Ge screams and starts running around the horse as Yan HeQing uses all of his energy to roll
his body over to the stains. He desperately runs his hands over the darkened marks as though he
might be able to recognize Xiao YuAn’s blood. Any composure he might have once maintained is
gone. Bleeding on the ground, Yan HeQing can no longer see anything through the tears as he rubs
his hands along the hardened earth. He’s beyond desperate to be close to anything that has a chance
to be Xiao YuAn.

It doesn’t matter that it would be worse if this blood actually belongs to Xiao YuAn.

As his fingers drag across the hardened soil one finger catches in a gap in the ground. His finger
mindlessly trances it over and over as he feels Chen Ge’s hands on his back. Only when he hears
Chen Ge almost screaming as if he’s trying to make his voice heard does Yan HeQing realize that
he is the one truly screaming. Much of it is unintelligible words broken up by labored gasps, but he
is able to get out “They stabbed him!” as he clings to the stained soil. His vision is too blurred to
see the ground anymore, but his distressed mind knows for sure, this mark in the center of the
bloodstain is from a knife stabbed into the ground and moved about. A knife stabbed through
something that bleeds.

Yan HeQing wakes up disoriented again. He doesn’t know how he arrived back in the medical tent
as his consciousness is once again forced back into the world of the living. It really would be easier
if everyone stopped trying to save his life. He’s been pulled back from the ledge between life and
death so many times over the past year that it would truly be a relief to just fall for good.

Yan HeQing lays in bed, staring at the ceiling but seeing nothing.

At this rate he’ll never find Xiao YuAn. He needs to start thinking about how he can continue to
live without him.

Assuming he even wants to continue to live.

When he thought he lost Xiao YuAn’s heart he didn’t put any effort into continuing to live. Now
he’s lost Xiao YuAn entirely, it might be time to put some effort into dying.

A somewhat familiar voice breaks the silence with a hushed roar, “...It doesn’t matter if you
outrank me! He’s too injured for you to indulge his fantasies of finding physician Xiao! He’s going
to get himself killed with your help! Besides, haven't you heard the rumors about who physician
Xiao actually is? We don’t need him alive to begin with!”

“Yes, but–” This time Yan HeQing can tell who it is despite his muddled mind. This emotional
voice is General Chen.

“No buts! Your attempts to help are inexcusable! You’re no longer welcome in my tent. In fact,
tomorrow I’m sending a letter to General Xue to have you reassigned far away from here.”

Chen Ge continues to make his pleas, trying as best he can to reassure the sneering voice that he
won’t allow anything else to happen to Yan HeQing.

A lean man in physician robes storms into the tent with a deep huff and bitter face. Without
looking at Yan HeQing on the bed he walks directly to the table and begins adding herbs to a bowl
to begin grinding them.

Yan HeQing opens his mouth, hoping he can pull off his usual imposing aura. "I don't want
General Chen to leave." Much to his surprise he manages it. His voice is a little raspy and choked
but it's as close to his former self as he could possibly hope for.

The physician whips around. Now that Yan HeQing can really look at him from his position flat on
the bed he can see that this is the physician whose outline he thought was Xiao YuAn's that first
day a lifetime ago. The indifference that occupied him moments ago is immediately replaced by
anger. This man tricked him. Even if he didn't intend to, he momentarily gave Yan HeQing hope
that Xiao YuAn was by his bed only to tear that hope away with his bitter face. Now he wanted to
take Chen Ge away. Even though Chen Ge isn't a replacement for Xiao YuAn, isn't even a friend,
he is a source of comfort. He's the last miserable tie to Xiao YuAn's final known moments and Yan
HeQing will not let some horrible person take that away from him.

"OH! Uh, your majesty. You're awake!” The physician’s words stagger from his surprise, “You,
uh, I hope my conversation didn't wake you. How much did you hear? I'm guessing you heard that
General Xue is reassigning General Chen, probably back to the Northern Palace…" his voice
trails off as he sees the killing intent rise in Yan HeQing’s eyes.

"General Chen is not being reassigned. If you don't trust him you can assign someone else to
supervise us, but he stays here."

In the past Yan HeQing would never have offered a compromise, especially such an embarrassing
one as having two babysitters. In the past he would have asserted his will with ease, perhaps with a
sword if need be.

But the Yan HeQing of now is not the Yan HeQing of the past. Even if he couldn’t kill himself,
that man is long dead. Now he's just tired.

Now he just wants Xiao YuAn.

He’ll even settle for news of Xiao YuAn.

Suddenly recalling gripping the blood stained ground before losing consciousness Yan HeQing
abruptly sits up. An excruciating pain runs through his torso. If all his wounds heal so quickly why
must this one linger?

"I need someone with information about what we found in the valley! Now!"

The physician looks torn between addressing the injury Yan HeQing obviously just worsened and
his fear of Yan HeQing given the killing intent he could sense seconds before. Fear wins out and
he hurriedly leaves the tent.

Only a few seconds pass before Chen Ge is led in. His eyes are still red from the argument outside
as he hurriedly tries to wipe the snot and tears off his face. His breathing is still interrupted by
pitiful hiccups, but he tries to smile when he sees Yan HeQing sitting up.

He doesn't manage a full smile before his face contorts again and he's visibly holding back his
tears.

Yan HeQing doesn't need him to say it, even though he knows he will. Chen Ge's heart is worn on
his sleeve and he's been by Yan HeQing's side long enough through all this torment that he can
easily read his expressions.

The narrow blade-like holes in the ground an arm's width apart. The dried pools of blood. The faint
but bloody drag marks. A person was tortured in that spot.

That person very well may have been Xiao YuAn.

 Nothing is Xiao YuAn’s fault. Everything is Yan HeQing’s fault.
Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations

Chen Ge doesn’t speak. Instead he paws through a bag strapped to his side to pull out a cloth
bundle. He handles it gingerly, as though he’s terrified of dropping it with his shaky hands. He
holds the bundle out to Yan HeQing on the bed, but pulls it back towards himself when he sees
Yan HeQing has no intention of taking it without an explanation. Chen Ge doesn’t think he can
bring himself to speak coherent sentences at this point. He might not know what Yan HeQing’s
thinking due to his thick face, but he can feel his own heart is breaking for him.

Slowly he unwraps the bundle and carefully places its contents on the end table next to the bed. It
takes Yan HeQing a moment to understand what he’s seeing. It’s clearly a soft shoe, the kind that
he might wear on a cold night once he’s retired to his room. Definitely not the type of shoe one of
his soldiers would wear on a mission. Is Chen Ge trying to show him that he managed to get
innocent commoners caught in his mess too? Somehow he’s not surprised. It feels like he radiates
an aura of suffering that anyone in the surrounding area will inevitably get caught up in. His
momentary hope that Chen Ge will deliver news of Xiao YuAn is erased by overwhelming defeat.
He turns away from the shoe on the table, uninterested in hearing about the new casualties.

“We discovered a temporary Eastern Wu base last night. It looks like it was cleared out shortly
after the ambush. While we were investigating one of the men found this. It’s– I think physician
Xiao was wearing your robes that night...”

Yan HeQing’s head snaps back to the shoe on the table.

It’s hard to make out any details on the shoe since it's layered with a thick crust of bloody mud but
now that Yan HeQing’s attention has been drawn to it he notices some of the embroidery across
the heel. It's a very familiar gold pattern. This shoe isn’t like the ones he wears once he’s retired to
his room, it is the one he wears once he’s retired to his room.

That night Yan HeQing went to go find Xiao YuAn in the medical tent after his meetings but was
told he went to the river alone. As he wandered down to the river thinking about what Xiao YuAn
should wear when they get married – he knew Xiao YuAn would prefer pants, but the idea of him
in a full bridal ensemble was very alluring – he heard someone shouting. Immediately Yan HeQing
picked up his pace. What if someone peaked on Xiao YuAn bathing? Not only would that mean
someone else seeing his man naked, but it also might mean Xiao YuAn could be recognized!

Yan HeQing half walked, half ran to the source of the noise. As he approached he saw a large
splash that sent his heart jolting and his legs running. Did Xiao YuAn just slip and hurt himself?
Almost immediately two lively eyes crested the surface while the rest of Xiao YuAn’s body
remained hiding under the darkened water. It really was quite endearing. Yan HeQing’s heart
surged as he was tempted to strip off his own clothes to join Xiao YuAn in the river, but the air
was cold and the river surely colder. He was worried about Xiao YuAn who once confided that he
was originally from the south too and was also afraid of the cold.

That night he got to bridal-carry Xiao YuAn back to his tent. Xiao YuAn babbled on about how a
monkey stole his clothes while looking very cute wrapped in Yan HuQing’s outer robe, pressed
into his own chest and flushed red from cold and embarrassment. Xiao YuAn even wrapped his
arms in an embrace around Yan HeQing's neck while shouting to the world how kind Yan-ge is.
He may have said the Emperor, but Yan HeQing knew if others weren't listening he would have
said Yan-ge. The scene definitely fulfilled one of Yan HeQing’s fantasies.

It might have also ignited several new fantasies.

Yan HeQing enjoyed how small Xiao YuAn looked in his outer robe and decided if he couldn’t see
him without clothes then he wanted to see him completely engulfed in the nicest oversized clothes
possible. Back in the Northern palace Xiao YuAn often spent snowy days wrapped in as many
blankets as possible while reading memorials. Only his handsome face would peak out, flushed
pink from the cold air. In that moment Yan HeQing decided that, despite Xiao YuAn’s requests to
return to his own tent to get clothes, that he would instead bring him back to his own tent for the
entire night. If Xiao YuAn wanted to wear clothes he could wear his.

Xiao YuAn did wear the clothes Yan HeQing picked out for him. He made sure to pick his softest
inner robe, one that draped loosely off his own body, but hung open on Xiao YuAn. When picking
an outer robe Yan HeQing was torn between picking his biggest robe to completely envelop Xiao
YuAn’s slender frame as though he himself were hugging him, his most ornate robe as detailed
embellishments really do suit Xiao YuAn well, or his warmest robe since Xiao YuAn is afraid of
the cold and he never wants him to feel afraid and discomforted.

Yan HeQing settled on his warmest robe. It was very plain, almost like a commoner’s robe but the
night would be long and cold, and there would be plenty of chances to dress Xiao YuAn in his own
clothes in the future. That night Xiao YuAn promised it. He told Yan HeQing to his face. He
specifically announced, “I won’t leave you. I’ll wait for you to come back” and kissed him of his
own initiative. Yan HeQing will never forget that moment of sheer happiness. It was almost as
good as if he had received a direct answer to his question because it was indeed an answer even if
Xiao YuAn wasn’t ready to fully vocalize it.

And then he let Xiao YuAn walk away. Walk away from Yan HeQing’s protection. Protection that
Yan HeQing is forced to remember wouldn’t have been able to provide because he left Xiao YuAn
alone in a camp full of people who at any moment could realize that the tiny body engulfed by Yan
HeQing’s oversized robes is the body of the man who once destroyed their homeland.

He watched Xiao YuAn walk back to the physician’s tent wearing his robes. And his slippers.

The very slipper that is right in front of Yan HeQing right now.

Did putting Xiao YuAn in his too big robes make it so he couldn’t properly run away when the
time came? Did his robes hinder him? Could he not run because the oversized soft shoes meant
every rock was stabbing him or the shoes were tripping him? Was it his fault that not only did Xiao
YuAn encounter the enemy’s sword, but he also couldn’t avoid the sword as it swung through the
air at him? Is it really more his fault than he originally thought it was?

Of course it’s entirely Yan HeQing’s fault. None of this is Xiao YuAn’s fault. It’s never Xiao
YuAn’s fault. Just like it was never Xiao YuAn’s fault the original emperor did what he did, but
Xiao YuAn was the one forced to surrender himself prisoner simply because he occupies that body.
Nor was it Xiao YuAn’s fault when Xiao Fengyue tried to kill himself. Yan HeQing shouldn’t have
let himself be enticed into drinking the soup from a strange man just because he believed a
thoughtful Xiao YuAn sent it to him. Yan HeQing’s error meant Xiao YuAn had to revive Xiao
Fengyue and amend Xiao Fengyue and Yang LiuAn’s circumstances. It definitely wasn’t Xiao
YuAn’s fault when Hong Xiu died, because that was also Yan HeQing’s fault. He lent the
Southern Yan men Wuning Wangye used to ambush their party. It wasn’t even Xiao YuAn’s fault
when he broke Yan HeQing’s heart with his rejection– he thought Yan HeQing wanted to kill him.
With that in mind his rejection was much kinder than Yan HeQing deserved. Nothing is Xiao
YuAn’s fault. Everything is Yan HeQing’s fault. Yan HeQing is the real villain in Xiao YuAn’s
life.

The shoe in front of him proves it.

After six weeks all one hundred of the fallen Southern Yan men have been recovered. Their bodies
have been identified. Their names have been publicly recognized. They have all been respectfully
buried with honors. A numb Yan HeQing personally made sure that their families were
compensated for their losses, remembering how much Xiao YuAn struggled to get money into the
hands of the common people when he was emperor. An yet…

And yet Xiao YuAn was not amongst the recovered bodies. After seeing the drag marks and
finding the shoe in a Eastern Wu camp Yan HeQing didn’t expect Xiao YuAn to be left in the open
to be easily found.

I will search for you all over the world. Even if that means that I’ll have to dig three feet
underground to get you.

These words haunt Yan HeQing. He said this both as a declaration of love and a threat. He meant it
in its entirety. Now these words carry a different weight: they feel like an ill omen Yan HeQing’s
love placed on Xiao YuAn. He never wanted to dig three feet down to search for Xiao YuAn, but
here he is. Everyday he receives reports from his men on their progress digging away at every inch
of that graveyard of a valley for anything that might have been buried by the Eastern Wu. Anything
that might resemble even a piece of Xiao YuAn.

Despite this, Xiao YuAn has not been found.

During these six weeks Yan HeQing has not been digging through the dirt. Chen Ge forced him to
stop after the second day. That first week after Yan HeQing somehow broke more than he already
was upon being faced with the shoe he personally slipped Xiao YuAn's foot into Chen Ge finally
put his foot down. He forced Yan HeQing to listen to the physicians and rest his body. He insisted
that Yan HeQing would be able to find Xiao YuAn faster if he wasn’t burdened by pain. It worked,
for the most part. Even the deep slash in his thigh and pierced abdomen are now very tender scabs
thanks to his eerie healing ability. Of course, Yan HeQing is still burdened by pain, but it’s mostly
agonizing heartbreak accompanied by the constant background hum of physical pain. It's much
easier to push to the back of his mind in comparison to the previous discord of mental anguish and
immobilizing bodily pain. He doesn’t think his broken heart will ever be able to heal.

It hasn’t numbed in the slightest, although the rest of him has.

Currently Yan HeQing sits topless on a sturdy chair, face tense as he refuses to show any
expression while someone presses a warm compress into a deep bloody opening on his arm. He’s
in yet another medical tent in a makeshift barracks just outside the Eastern Wu capital. The last
month consisted of an extremely violent push to destabilize Eastern Wu’s military power and
overtake the capital.

“Thank you for letting me clean your wounds, your majesty. I know you have many important
things to do right now so I will be as quick as I can addressing your other injuries so you may
return to your duties.”
“Mn.”

Many of the physicians are overly polite around Yan HeQing, thanking him for allowing them to
do their jobs. His moods swing in a nearly uncontrollable manner forcing their caution. Sometimes
he accommodates every single one of the physicians’ requests, while other times he lays conscious
but limp in the bed while the physicians can do whatever they need to him. Oftentimes he simply
ignores their requests, simply ordering them to tell Chen Ge he’s fine. Sometimes though he’s
terrifying. He snarls at the physicians when they try to get near him, reaches for his sword if they
take too long before letting him back out into the battlefield, his killing intent emerging with the
slightest wrong move.

During this month Yan HeQing has pushed himself harder than he ever did before. Harder than he
did even in the finals days before the Northern Empire defeated Southern Yan, or even after Xiao
YuAn’s rejection left him seeking death. Now he doesn’t seek death, but he doesn’t care if he dies
either. There are two things he cares about: finding Xiao YuAn and killing anyone who might have
hurt Xiao YuAn. Of course, Yan HeQing blames anyone from Eastern Wu for hurting Xiao YuAn.
It's only his memory of Xiao YuAn kneeling in the snow holding the map and seal of the Northern
empire above his head while announcing that he surrenders but begs that the common people be
left unharmed that Yan HeQing does not wipe out the entire country.

Even in death...no, not death, disappearance, Xiao YuAn can make Yan HeQing want to be a better
person.

Who is he trying to fool? He knows Xiao YuAn is dead.

Yan HeQing doesn't feel like a person anymore.

He's really just a shell of a man, waiting until he hears news of Xiao YuAn or until he completes
his revenge against everyone he should before his body joins his long dead spirit.

"Okay, your majesty. I believe you should be fine now. If it's not too much trouble for you I would
very much appreciate it if you could possibly return tomorrow morning too. Just to" A sharp
glance from Yan HeQing indicates he's at the edge of his patience makes the man shrink away,
quiet his voice, and spit out his sentence as fast as he could. "Just to check on the wound on your
back, it's starting to look infected and I don't want yourmajestytodevlopafever."

Without another word Yan HeQing stands up, dresses himself, and leaves. He carries a lot of
wounds right now. He's still hurt from the night of the ambush nearly a month and a half ago to the
day, and he's brushed up against many swords since then. If his body didn't heal so much faster
than the common person's he's sure he'd be dead or incapacitated long ago. But this body plus his
immovable determination and lack of concern over dying makes him a terrifying force. In just one
month he's advanced the Southern Yan army what should have taken a year.

Yan HeQing knows the rumors that have spread about him. The kindest of the rumors is that he
wants to conquer the four empires to unify the kingdoms for the sake of the common people. The
wildest is that he liked being the boytoy the Northern emperor and now he's had a taste for
emperors he wishes to bed another. The most common rumor is that he’s been possessed by a
demon.

The simplest rumor is that he has gone mad. That he lost something and now he fights for it
without any concern for his own safety. That he'll spill as much blood as he can on the battlefield
even if it means draining all of his own. This rumor is the truth.

Tomorrow they will breach the gates of the capital. He will find and interrogate anyone with a
sliver of authority over Xiao YuAn's whereabouts.

Mini theater

Yan HeQing: Shouldn’t I get my protagonist halo by the next chapter?

Sentient Wren: Sounds like something we can make happen.

YHQ: And it’ll make me great?

SW: It’ll make you break :)

 Yan HeQing always wanted to wear red for Xiao YuAn, but never like this
Chapter Summary

Yan HeQing loses a part of himself he didn't think he could lose

Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations torture

During the attack on Eastern Wu's capital something in Yan HeQing breaks that he didn't realize
could. Before when he interrogated people on Xiao YuAn's whereabouts he always only used his
words. They might be terrifying words, his reputation as a mad man, and the flash of his sword, but
he never actually crossed that line.

This battle was taking several hours and could last long into the night. They first have to break
through the city's defenses in order to force their way through the city into the government
buildings. Just like most other battles Chen Ge is fighting by his side. Chan Ge is extremely afraid
of pain but has suffered through nearly as much has Yan HeQing has through the past month of
battle. He too wants to find physician Xiao.

Out of the corner of his eye Yan HeQing sees a sword moving directly into Chen Ge's space. It
shouldn't be his blind spot, he should be able to easily block it, but he doesn't. Chen Ge is
momentarily frozen staring through the courtyard with a terrified expression. He only comes back
to himself as Yan HeQing’s sword dives in front of him to deflect the incoming blow.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Yan heQing snarls at the dazed man who suddenly
grabs Yan HeQing’s arm tightly, directly onto the wound the physician just cleaned that morning.

"Your majesty we need to move! That man! I recognize that man! He was there! He's the general in
charge at the valley! The one who crushed your benefactor!"

Yan HeQing doesn't need to hear any more. He begins to shove his way through the battle. His
vision tunnels onto the general Chen Ge pointed towards. Yan HeQing doesn't even notice when a
sword rakes across his back leaving a shallow but significant wound that begins to paint his white
robes red. Within seconds Yan HeQing has closed almost the entire distance between them. Chen
Ge trails behind trying to work his way through the crowd clutching his side as he tries not to cry
out in pain.

The general notices the men moving towards him and turns to run inside a nearby building. He
tries to shut the door but Yan HeQing's foot is already in the frame. A shooting pain runs through
his foot, but it's no matter. Since Xiao YuAn disappeared he's been in a constant state of pain.
What's a little more when the man in front of him has answers?

Yan HeQing shoves the door open right as Chen Ge catches up. With an unnervingly calm
demeanor Yan HeQing marches down the hall, sword drawn with its tip facing the floor slowly
dripping the blood that runs down its entire blade. The general, who Yan HeQing now recognizes
as Yang Liye, is running down the hall with a limp. Every few steps he can't help from glancing
back at the calm man in white and red making his way towards him. Just as Yang Liye
concentrates his energy into running down the hall and turning in a side room as fast as he can Yan
HeQing does something he never would have expected. He flings his sword as hard as he can at
Yang Liye, leaving himself without a weapon.

Yan HeQing's sword hits true to its mark, piercing through the fleeing man's calf just before it
passes through the door so he can no longer run away. Yan HeQing has always had good luck
when it comes to unorthodox high risk maneuvers. It's part of how he was able to advance his army
into Eastern Wu so quickly.

Holding his hand out behind him Yan HeQing’s wordless request for Chen Ge's sword is
immediately fulfilled. Yan HeQing calmly walks up to the man now quivering in the doorway with
a sword through his leg. He uses the tip of Chen Ge's sword to force Yang Liye's chin up to look in
his eyes. He makes sure to dig it in a little bit to ensure the man will bleed, will know the threat to
his life is real.

"You know who I am?"

Yang Liye tries to nod except his chin digs into the sword tip. Instead a very faint "uh-huh"
escapes his lips.

"Good. Let me be clear. You won't walk away from today alive. But you do have information I
want. You ripped the heart out of my chest and today I will do the same to you. The real question
is whether I will simply rip your chest open like a decent man or slowly slice away your flesh layer
by layer for you to watch me remove it just like you did to me? Hmm? Which sounds better?" The
question is a fake question. Yan HeQing knows the answer has nothing to do with Yang Liye's
preference. Ignoring the man’s splutters Yan HeQing turns to Chen Ge. "Help me move him into
this room and then guard the door. This time I'm serious."

A shadow falls over Chen Ge's eyes. He doesn't want Yan HeQing to follow this route for his own
sake, but he always knew that if they encountered someone who truly knew information about
what happened to Xiao YuAn there were never any questions about what would happen. Yan
HeQing will cross that line to find Xiao YuAn.

Chen Ge follows his orders, grimacing through tears of pain due to his wounds and watching the
last bits of the old Yan HeQing dying. He takes back his sword and goes to stand outside the now
closed door. In reality he nearly immediately collapses onto the floor clutching his side and
gasping in pain. Physician Xiao would have long since knocked him out in order to treat his
wounds.

Surrounding him he can hear screams. Most of the screams are coming from the battle raging just
outside the building, but every so often one separated only by a thin door.

What really causes Yan HeQing to break and follow through on his threat to slice away at Yang
Liye's flesh until he could remove his still beating heart is that Yang Liye has no idea who Xiao
YuAn was. To him Xiao YuAn was a nobody. One of a hundred men killed that night. An
unimportant, identityless individual not worthy of his long term memory.

Xiao YuAn could never be a nobody.

Eventually Yang Liye only remembers Xiao YuAn because of his plain, ill-fitting robes; Yan
HeQing is demanding to know about the useless soldier trying to pretend to be a commoner to save
his own skin. The coward who sent them on a wild goose chase for Yan HeQing so they'd all be
distracted and he could flee. The one Yang Liye did have a moment of cruel satisfaction pinning to
the ground with knives and crushing under his horse. The one he got frustrated by and ordered to
be buried alive.

Yan HeQing learns all this as Yang Liye is begging to be killed already. Yan HeQing experiences a
wave of jealousy that this monstrous man can seek death so directly.

Yan HeQing’s ominous words were right. He will have to search for Xiao YuAn three feet under
the earth.

This is entirely his fault.

Yan HeQing tries to get where Xiao YuAn was buried alive after being tortured out of Yang Liye
but it's to no avail. He insists that he gave the command and left. The soldiers who drug Xiao
YuAn away are long dead. Killed by Yan HeQing's people. After telling so much truth through
being tortured there's no reason why he would lie about this.

Xiao YuAn is dead.

He's dead and Yan HeQing doesn't even have his body to cry over or bury. Doesn't even have a
way to search for his body. Yan HeQing has nothing.

Looking at the broken open chest he's not sure he even has his humanity. He's often thought about
fileting people alive as a source of revenge. He's ashamed to admit he even imagined cutting apart
the body of the Northern emperor to rip out his bones before he met Xiao YuAn. A dark part of
him knows he was fighting urges to begin carving him open in that prison cell when Xiao YuAn
drew a sword towards him, before he knew Xiao YuAn was in there. It's just another way he
knows he has always been a horrible person.

But he never planned to act on such impulses. He never wanted to be this cruel.

He only wants to be a benevolent emperor ruling alongside his husband Xiao YuAn.

Now he would be happy with just Xiao YuAn being alive.

In all honesty he would just be happy with Xiao YuAn died peacefully instead of tortured to death.

The only way to be happy might be to go die.

For another two hours the battle rages on until the Eastern Wu emperor fully surrenders. Yan
HeQing doesn't know when this happens because he remains in the hauntingly silent room curled
in a ball facing away from the corpse with its chest ripped open.

Every piece of Yan HeQing’s white robes are stained red. Red from his own blood. Red from the
blood of his revenge. Red from Xiao YuAn’s invisible blood that only Yan HeQing can see. He
always wanted to wear red for Xiao YuAn, but never like this.

At first he's struggling to breath so much he can't even cry. Once the floodgates of his tears do
open he can't stop crying and can't start breathing. There's no point in trying to stop. He once
thought that if he couldn't announce his love to Xiao YuAn in ceremony he would do it with tears,
but now would Xiao YuAn even want him? When he joins him in the underworld will he be able to
face Xiao YuAn?

Every single awful thing has come about thanks to Yan HeQing. Everything bad Xiao YuAn was
forced to endure in this life is because of him. He's an affliction on those he loves, and every single
one of them will died because of him. His mother, his father, and now Xiao YuAn.

Yan HeQing wishes he was still simply that shell of a broken man rather than a monster because at
least then he could face Xiao YuAn in the next life.

By the time someone finds Chen Ge laying immobilized in a pool of blood the battle has long
ceased and Eastern Wu's emperor removed. Placing nearly all his weight onto the older soldier
who found him, Chen Ge pushes open the door to see a man with his heart cut out in a chair and a
man draped in white robes dyed red crumpled on the floor crying his heart out.

For two days Yan HeQing is unresponsive. All he does is lay on the bed in the ever familiar
medical tent staring up without seeing anything as hands that don't belong to Xiao YuAn prod at
him.

If he concentrates all his energy Yan HeQing can understand what the murmurs in the tent are
saying. Southern Yan has conquered Eastern Wu. As the Emperor he's needed to host a banquet.
The banquet has been delayed due to his condition. Chen Ge was heavily injured and might not
survive. The banquet has been delayed again. There’s a debate over how long Yan HeQing will be
like this so they can hold the banquet. They will announce to the public that Yan HeQing has
suffered injuries but will return to his role as emperor. Eastern Wu’s general Yang Liye’s head has
been separated from his body in a public display to prove Southern Yan’s strength while their
emperor remains unseen. In three days they will hold the celebratory banquet. Xue Yang will
arrive in two days.

A middle aged messenger reports directly to Yan HeQing that the entire valley floor has been dug
four feet deep by his men. Not a single new body was found. They have moved on to excavating
the surrounding areas.

Although Yan HeQing doesn't react to this news, a little bit more of him dies. He hadn’t realized
that was still possible until it happened.

Chen Ge’s cot is moved next to Yan HeQing's bed. He flutters in and out of consciousness and his
breathing is ragged as each breath forces him to expand his injured chest. The first thing Yan
HeQing truly realizes on the fourth day of laying dead but still alive is that he really has picked up
Xiao YuAn's disease, although his might be worse than Xiao YuAn experiences, experienced. Xiao
YuAn only needs, needed someone in the room to fall asleep. Yan HeQing needs someone right
next to him.

Yan HeQing finally sleeps. He dreams of Xiao YuAn running forward to catch him collapsing in
the snow, to support him and hold him tightly. Everything is calm. Xiao YuAn leans in to gently
kiss his cold forehead. Even near death Yan HeQing is safe in Xiao YuAn's embrace. He's learned
this time and time again.

If he could die right now in his sleep everything would be okay.

When Xiao YuAn places his hands around Yan HeQing’s face to kiss his lips the warm embrace
rapidly cools as blood starts to pour out of Xiao YuAn's arms. First from the cuts Yan HeQing saw
him place on his own arms, but quickly the palms of his hands begin to bleed from knife sized
wounds too. Yan HeQing’s face cupped between Xiao YuAn’s palms is wet from the blood as he
stares up in Xiao YuAn’s eyes as his panic grows. Through his clothes blooms of crimson appear,
proof of toture beginning to actualize. Xiao YuAn looks down at Yan HeQing with a terribly soft
smile, "I will tell you everything when there’s a chance, in the future." Dripping blood, Xiao YuAn
slowly releases Yan HeQing from his embrace. Before Yan HeQing can do anything the dream
shifts and they are on the cliff side that Yan HeQing fell down that night, only he is far away and
Xiao YuAn is already beginning to fall. No matter how hard Yan HeQing tries he can't get there
fast enough. Xiao YuAn always catches him in time. He can never catch Xiao YuAn.

He can only watch, gasping for breath, as blood floats off of Xiao YuAn when he falls into the
abyss.

All Yan HeQing has left of Xiao YuAn is his blood on his hands.

Yan HeQing tries over and over again for what feels like an eternity to fling himself into the abyss
too. The dream never lets him.

Mini Theater

Xiao YuAn: Isn’t the book called “How to Survive as a Villain” and I’m the villain?

Sentient Wren: Mmm, no. You told me YHQ is the main character so clearly the title’s about him
surviving himself, or at least he’s going to believe it is. You can convince him otherwise when he
returns to the actual book and you take the narration back.

XYA: Can’t I take the narration back now?

SW: Only a little longer until you’re back in chapter 162 sweetie :) Let’s see if YHQ can make it
too.
 Yan HeQing sees Xiao YuAn’s smile again
Chapter Summary

Yan HeQing runs away from his life

Chapter Notes

CW: grief, self blame, self harm, suicidal ideations

See the end of the chapter for more notes

A week and a half after the battle everyone except Yan HeQing felt he is in a good enough
condition to host the celebratory banquet for the army.

Originally, Yan HeQing wanted to wear white robes but Yan Xue refuses to let him. He didn’t
expect such a small thing to make him break down but it does. The entire time Xue Yan unfolds
the robes he’s brought for Yan HeQing to pick from Yan HeQing sits on the bed enduring the now
familiar sensation of being on the verge of a qi deviation: his head hurts, his heart hurts, he can’t
get any air into his lungs, his vision is blurred by tears, even the old stab wound in his stomach
begins to radiate pain throughout his entire body despite being totally numb. The one thing he can
still do for Xiao YuAn is show his devotion by properly mourning his death, but now, like a child,
he doesn’t even have the ability to decide what he will wear. He’s so powerless. So pitiful. He
can’t do the one thing he said he would for Xiao YuAn.

“This one would be good.” Xue Yan holds up an ornate black outer robe that jingles when moved,
“It gives off an aura of strength.” He only glances at Yan HeQing for a reaction before turning
back. He’s seen the rivers of tears shed for the Northern Kingdom’s fallen emperor and doesn’t
need to see anymore. He just needs Yan HeQing to hold himself together long enough to fulfill his
political duties. He cares deeply for his nephew. He once tried to protect his nephew from the
fallen emperor only to have it backfire spectacularly the night of the ambush. Today he doesn’t
know what else he can do to help except push Yan HeQing’s mind back towards his newly
expanded country.

Yan HeQing nods. He doesn’t have the will to fight over clothes anymore.

When Xue Yan turns back towards the clothes a large mouthful of blood is silently pushed out of
Yan HeQing’s throat. It spills down his white robes staining them red. Yan HeQing doesn’t lift a
hand to wipe his face. He just sits there quietly gasping as before. His normal breathing is now a
ragged so Xue Yan notices nothing.

It takes several minutes for Xue Yan to turn back around to see Yan HeQing sitting on the bed
covered in blood quivering.

Attendants flutter around Yan HeQing as he stands perfectly still, moving only when requested.
His hair is tied back in complex braids and a large hair crown, his hands are weighed down with
jewelry. The robes chosen for him are complicated to put on; they're the type that Xiao YuAn
never figured out and always needs..needed help getting dressed in. Yan HeQing helped him get
dressed in this type of robe on several occasions after Hong Xiu died.

One of the attendants tries numerous times to wipe the tears off his face. Every time they return
within a few minutes. It doesn't matter, tear tracks are now a permanent feature on Yan HeQing’s
face. They’ll never go away even when his cheeks are dry.

Everyone knows that Yan HeQing is crying for Xiao YuAn. At this point it’s no secret why he will
randomly start crying, fall into rages, or become unresponsive. Only Yan HeQing knows he’s also
crying because this banquet is his goodbye to this world. He isn’t quite sure if it’s a goodbye to his
life, if he can really bring himself to die or if he will keep waiting for the world to do it for him.
But he can’t stay here surrounded by smiling people. The only smile he cares about he’ll never see
again. Every other smile hurts him.

Yan HeQing plans to stay for the banquet. He’ll give the speech Xue Yan helped prepare for him,
he’ll write a few imperial edicts for what matters, he’ll do everything an emperor is supposed to do.
He wants Southern Yan and its new territories to be truly unified. For Xiao YuAn’s legacy he
doesn’t want any civilians to suffer poor governance. But that’s as long as he can force himself to
stay. He’s already pushed himself too far to remain here this long.

After the banquet he’ll change back into his white robes, collect the jade flute Xiao YuAn gave
him, and slip out of the imperial city by way of darkness. No one will notice at first, it’s well
known that he cannot sleep at night so he often wanders like a lost ghost. Just like when Xiao
YuAn fled the capital he will too. The only differences are Yan HeQing will be entirely alone and
he knows for a fact that he wants himself dead. He’ll make his way back towards the mountain
behind Taoyuan Village. There he’ll find the crushed cottage that he and Xiao YuAn lived in
together for several of the best days of Yan HeQing’s life. Maybe Yan HeQing will rebuild the
cottage and live the rest of his life in seclusion with the memory of Xiao YuAn. Or maybe he’ll
treat the remains of the cottage with the posthumous honors he wanted to give Xiao YuAn’s body,
turn it into a shrine for his reborn emperor. And a grave for himself.

Or maybe the universe will finally smile upon him as he travels. Maybe he’ll just die before he
gets there and he won't have to make that choice.

Xue Yan and the other generals specifically arranged for Yan HeQing to not have to do much
during the banquet. When he first enters he has to say a few words about the importance of
unifying the kingdoms, how the expanded Southern Yan people will protect its citizens no matter
if they are old or new, how noble their soldiers are, and invite the guests to celebrate. Words that
Yan HeQing can only smoothly get out because he believes them. After that he is moved to a head
table separated from everyone else, far enough away that people cannot clearly make out his face.
From that point forward all he has to do is keep a thick face while others give speeches, toasts, and
celebrate with each other.

Everything begins to go downhill while Yan HeQing is standing in front of the hall of men after
his short speech. Yan HeQing is suddenly dazed by his former naivete. He once thought that
conquering a new kingdom would be a joyous occasion, filled with feasts and festivals, much like a
wedding unifying households. Now, looking down on people happily drinking to the Southern Yan
kingdom’s expansion he recognizes the truth: it's more like a funeral. Each time his kingdom has
gained new lands has marked him losing a bit of himself. The first time was when Southern Yan
forced Xiao YuAn’s surrender. That day he thought he forever lost Xiao YuAn’s heart and a bit of
him died. But now, today, everything is so much worse. The victory over the Easter Wu kingdom
has come at a cost he doesn’t want to admit, doesn’t want to acknowledge, but knows he must. This
time he lost Xiao YuAn entirely. Not just Xiao YuAn’s heart. Xiao YuAn’s life. Yan HeQing can
only survey the hall decorated similarly to how he once imagined his wedding would be and wish
that he was the one who died instead of Xiao YuAn before returning to his lonely head table.

Everyone, including Yan HeQing, believed he would be able to sit through the feast after his
speech. After all, he spent the first twenty years of his life with an unreadable face. A face that
only moved when he purposefully contorted it. But the past two months have changed Yan
HeQing. His mask has been torn off. He now knows that he is a monster who lost any bits of
humanity it might have once possessed. He now knows that he can only bring misfortune on those
around him. He now knows that Xiao YuAn died after being tortured. He knows he’s responsible.

About an hour and a half into the banquet is when Yan HeQing loses his ability to control his
emotions entirely. For most of the banquet he’s fallen back into one of his apathetic states. Apathy
is the closest thing to comfort he’s able to find now. He moves whatever food is in his bowl
around feeling too naucious to consider bringing any to his mouth. All the speeches and cheers are
a dull murmur to him until a single phrase bursts into his ears.

“It’s a joyous day that the emperor has fallen! Let us celebrate his defeat!”

The toast everyone is cheering for refers to Easter Wu’s emperor.

But to Yan HeQing there is only one fallen emperor. To him they’re cheering Xiao YuAn’s death.
Xiao YuAn’s dead, it’s his fault, and these people are celebrating it. Yan HeQing tries to keep his
face neutral for a moment before it contorts into a horrible expression. He tries as hard as he can to
hold back the sob pressing painfully against his throat but he can’t hold it back for long. The sob
bursts out with a loud choking noise. Thankfully it coincides with another round of applause and no
one except those at the nearest table notice it.

Yan HeQing’s entire body feels cold, except for the still tender wounds he received the night Xiao
YuAn died, which are radiating a painful heat through him. Shakily he tries to stand but is
hindered by his legs which are now filled with cotton instead of life. It doesn’t matter. He just
needs to get out of here. Get away from all these people who are not Xiao YuAn. No one will ever
be Xiao YuAn again.

Yan HeQing stumbles away from the table, knocking over several glasses as he moves away.
Exiting the room he accidentally slams into the door-frame causing his previously dislocated
shoulder to sting for the first time in months, further reminding him of that night. He can’t wait
until the end of the banquet to leave. He has to get out right now. If he doesn’t leave now he will
find another way to exit this palace…

By the time Yan HeQing gets back to the room he’s been occupying he’s hunched over hugging
his stomach trying to breathe. Everything is too overwhelming. As soon closes the door he starts
trying to rip off his hair crown. Almost immediately one of the decorative hooks catches in a braid.
Half of his hair slides down while the rest is still caught in the crown hanging halfway off his head.
He yanks it a few times ignoring the pain. Some of the hair pops parting way with his scalp but the
crown stays dangling off his head. Frustrated he gives up and tries to free himself from the
oppressively heavy robes. The more he tries to untie the knots the tighter they seem to become,
constricting him tighter and tighter. He can’t even get the belt undone. Yan HeQing collapses onto
the floor utterly defeated by something as simple as clothes.

Xiao YuAn was also defeated by clothes. Not just the clothes that he could never figure out how to
put on, but also the oversized clothes Yan HeQing selfishly demanded he wear that night. The
clothes–Yan HeQing’s clothes– that made it so Xiao YuAn couldn’t properly run when the time
came.

Yan HeQing half crawls, half drags himself to the corner he carelessly threw his sword before the
banquet. Without Xiao YuAn he wouldn’t have this sword. That day Xiao YuAn took him to
recover his father’s sword might have been the only time Yan HeQing actually helped Xiao YuAn
when he carried him back down the mountain in the dark. Of course, even that tender memory is
tainted by the knowledge that they wouldn’t have even been on that mountain if it weren’t for him.
That if not for him Xiao YuAn could have simply recovered the sword via a carriage instead of
having to walk the slippery mountain in the dark resulting in him slipping and hurting himself.

Yan HeQing's hand makes contact with the hard, cold steel of the sheath. He grabs it and pulls it
close, wrapping his body around it for a moment as he releases a shaky breath yet again. Once he
gets the energy to move something has to go. The crown. His hair. The robes. His life. It doesn’t
matter which.

As Yan HeQing is curled in a ball around his sword a faint knock sounds on the other side of the
door. “Your majesty?” Chen Ge’s gentle voice presses through the wood.

Yan HeQing forces himself to be completely silent, hoping he’ll go away.

“Your majesty, I’m coming in.”

The door creaks and Yan HeQing can hear first slow footsteps speed up into a run before a thud of
knees hitting the ground. One hand grasps his shoulder and another is grabbing at the sword. Yan
HeQing’s hands have no strength to resist as the sword is pulled from his hands.

Chen Ge sits on the floor but doesn’t speak for a long time. Neither does Yan HeQing. The only
sound in the room is Yan HeQing’s breathing as it hitches with tears. After a long time Yan
HeQing finally speaks first.

“I need help out of these clothes. Back into my own.”

Chen Ge helps Yan HeQing undress. He unties the knots that Yan HeQing tightened to free him
from the unbearably restrictive tightness the robes have been forcing on his chest. He helps Yan
HeQing into his simple white robes again before undoing his hair and untangling the nest Yan
HeQing managed to create in his panic.

“Your majesty?”

“Mn.”

“I know that you’re leaving. Do you know where you’re going to go? What you’re going to do?”

“No.”

“Would you let me come with you?”

“... No.”

“Okay. Just take care of yourself then. Physician Xiao chose to sacrifice himself to ensure your
wellbeing. Don’t waste his efforts.”

This hurt. Yan HeQing already knows this. This is what hurts him the most, a constant unbearable
pain in his chest that only tightens with time. He already knows that this is the second lifetime
Xiao YuAn has killed himself for someone else’s well being. Chen Ge doesn’t need to remind
him.

“Mn.”

Chen Ge doesn’t help Yan HeQing leave, but he doesn't stop him either.

The road is long and lonely, perfectly complementing the tall man in flowing white robes atop his
white horse. Yan HeQing has traveled for two days and hasn’t seen anyone. The recent battles to
approach the imperial city made many of the commoners flee. All the empty houses do manage to
make Yan HeQing’s heart feel an unexpected twinge; he didn’t want to hurt the common people,
yet here there are houses proving that he did.

By nightfall Yan HeQing finds an vacant house to stay in. He doesn’t call out to make sure since
the entire village is gone. Immediately he collapses onto a small chair by the entryway. Comfort
doesn’t matter, he just needs a roof. As tired as Yan HeQing is after two days without someone
breathing at his side during the night Yan HeQing still can’t fall asleep. He sits curled in the chair
for what feels like an eternity until he can hear the illusion of snores. It might be a hallucination,
but it’ll do. Once he gets to the mountain he’ll never see anyone again so he needs to learn to sleep
alone anyways. Yan HeQing finally drifts out of conciousness.

“FUUUC- Oh my god! Is this your house? I am so sorry! I thought it was empty and I just needed a
place to stay for the night. I have money! I was going to pay anyways!”

Yan HeQing is shocked awake by the loud shout. It wasn’t him imagining someone snoring last
night. There was in fact a man sleeping in the next room. A traveler, like him.

“No. No, it’s fine. It’s not my house. I think we’re both just passing through.” Yan HeQing doesn’t
have the energy to fully wake up nor a conversation. He just hopes that this man will take his
pardon and leave.

Of course he doesn’t. He plops himself down at the table next to Yan HeQing and starts talking at
him.

“Ah, good. Good. Yeah, it’s been a while since I saw anyone. I expected that heading into the
imperial city after what I heard about those battles. Did you see them? Are you coming from that
direction? I hear the Southern Yan soldiers are formidable. Want some food?”

Yan HeQing opens one eye to see the man leaning over to hand him some dried fruit. He reaches
out and takes it as the man continues talking.

“I normally wouldn’t head towards something like this-- try to avoid violence. Bad for the spirit
and bad for business you see. But today I’m actually not traveling to sell anything which is
shocking.” Yan HeQing wishes the man would shut up and leave. Or better yet resume his snores
so he could sleep too. “You see I have a friend, more of an acquaintance really, who has a friend
who was seriously injured and can’t even leave his bed. Looked real nasty when I saw him. Don’t
know how that man survived whatever happened to him. Anyways,”

All Yan HeQing can think of is when he hoped the universe would grant him good fortune on his
travels and wondered if the universe is obliging by making this man talk him to death.

“Anyways, he wanted me to deliver a letter. I told him over and over that no commoner would be
able to see the emperor but he kept insisting. Poor man was so bandaged that he couldn’t even
write the letter he was so desperate for me to deliver. But he said he had a token that would grant
me visitation. Guess what it was?”

Yan HeQing is barely listening and gives a noncommittal grunt.

“Ha! You wouldn’t guess it even if you tried. It was a broken hairpin! All glued back together. It
looks like shit but it has the emperor’s name on it.” The man starts shifting through his bag and
pulls something out. “Here, look. Yan. He. Qing. What’da think? Think someone as mighty as the
mad emperor would let a commoner in with this?”

Yan HeQing’s attention snaps onto the open box, where within lies the jade hairpin that he threw
on the ground to prove to Xiao YuAn that he would never want to give it to anyone else.

A man. An injured man. An injured man with bandages on his hands so painful that he cannot
write. An injured man with bandages on his hands so painful that he cannot write, who has Yan
HeQing’s hair pin. A man who is alive.

Xiao YuAn is alive.

Yan HeQing makes it to just outside Taoyuan Village in record time. He hasn’t slept in days. First
from his inability to sleep without someone breathing by his head, then by his intense drive to
return Xiao YuAn as soon as possible.

This time Yan HeQing will do better. He won’t bring Xiao YuAn any misfortune or pain or even
the thought that he needs to die for Yan HeQing again. Yan HeQing knows that he himself will be
changed though: he will always be filled with fear. Even if his heart and spirit can be repaired by
Xiao YuAn like the repaired hairpin he still knows he’s a horrible person who has brought so much
misery to the only person he loves.

He will forever be filled with fear that Xiao YuAn will hurt himself again. That he’ll be hurt by
him again. That he’ll be hurt because of him again. Yan HeQing’s dream of Xiao YuAn walking
away from him with blood flowing off his bod only to fall off that cliff will forever haunt him. Yan
HeQing must do everything he can to keep any element of that dream from actualizing.

In two lifetimes Xiao YuAn has sacrificed himself twice for the lives of another.

Despite this he is still alive in this lifetime.

Yan HeQing would rather die himself than allow that to happen a third time.

As he sees Yang Liuan and Xiao Fengyue’s house he nudges the horse to go faster as he straightens
up on his horse. From this moment forward he must be strong so he can finally be the one to
protect Xiao YuAn. He must look as though he wears an infallible halo of strength and power. Xiao
YuAn cannot not how weak his is. He can never know how weak he is. If he finds out it will only
make him want to protect Yan HeQing again. That must never happen again.

Yan HeQing can see the courtyard. A hunched over man slowly wobbles a few paces before
needing to pause, shaking despite leaning all his weight on a pair of crutches. The man looks up
and Yan HeQing’s heart almost bursts as he sees Xiao YuAn’s bright smile again. Yan HeQing
can’t help it, as he tumbles off the horse to catch Xiao YuAn, who has thrown aside his crutches to
painfully move faster, he begins to cry once again.
 Mini theater

XYA: I promise I’ll never get hurt or leave you again.

Sentient Wren: *Looks at book*

Sentient Wren: *Checks chapter 182*

Sentient Wren: *deadpans at camera*

Sentient Wren: *picks up laptop to start writing*

Chapter End Notes

Okay so this was definitely meant to be 1.5k words about Yan HeQing searching
through a hundred bodies but YHQ was so sad it grew tenfold. I tried to be accurate to
the points referenced in the book since we really never get much about what happened
to YHQ, mostly just that he was depressed, trying to die, is credited for torturing and
dismembering Yang Liye, and is considered mad by the time he is reunited with XYA.

If anyone actually finishes this congrats! I hope you pick up HTSAV at chapter 162
keeping in mind how hard the last few months must have been on YHQ. Really
changes the flavor of all his interactions with XYA there on out!

End Notes

This was written in 3 evenings as a post-vaccine slug so there are be errors I was too tired to
catch.

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!