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Cristianna Marrero

Professor McFarland

COR 104 C F

22 April 2024

Moral Compass

I have always wondered what it was like being with him. Seeing him in high school with

me being a freshman and him a junior, six-foot-two, pale and dark hair with black silicone

gauges and a gun metal nose ring. He was my type and aided me in the rising action of the

darkest time in my sobriety journey. During this time, Wes was already smitten with another. I

was just a friend, but it felt like the more time I spent with him, I wanted more than that. I

wouldn’t say I was in love but as cliché as it was, I wanted something I couldn’t have which

made me want it even more. Either I would sneak out to his house or he would come to mine. He

was kind and assertive with a gentle approach. He helped me get off of marijuana and alcohol

completely, which I had been struggling with since the age of eleven. The next substance was

cigarettes which had also been equally a long term problem for me. Even with the problems I

had, my memory still stands.

Wes played guitar and piano, he wanted to be a musician. From what I can remember, he

was not half bad. Since I loved musicians like Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides and other

alternative men in the rock industry, I fell hard because he resembled them. He sang and

strummed his hymns to me occasionally. I sound overly romantic and silly but that is how I

thought of it at the time. Now I look back with skepticism. Some parts I am angry about and

others I feel have been unanswered, left blank and unnoticed because I was only fourteen and he
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was seventeen. I remember him being flirtatious with me at that time. What makes me skeptical

is the fact he had a girlfriend and I was so young; what did he want with a fourteen year old?

Four or five years later, I found him again after my disappearance from Georgia. He is

blonde and a guitarist for a metal band. Immediately, I felt impulsive and texted him. I did not

have any reminiscent feelings of attraction towards him but instead I felt nostalgic. We gave our

simple greetings with our “How are you’s?” and he replied with, “I’ve been trying to get life on

track, I’m glad you texted. It’s been a while.” That is when it started, the beginning of endless

conversations with a boy who I had to intensely debate over with myself. The tension of our

unspoken interest in one another started and I felt immensely guilty about my position. Was I

betraying myself? The part of myself who swore not to grab from the past. The thoughts of me

being in high school made me incredibly uncomfortable, so why was I catching feelings? Were

they feelings from the past? So many problems were unaddressed, maybe I made a mistake in

rekindling this.

The conversations were almost instantaneously flirtatious, yet neither one of us were

direct about the situation. What was always repeating in my head was the questions of the past

and the rules I have for myself. I had just rekindled this relationship and it felt like I was

speeding down the highway. My desire and his sweet words had me in a transcendental state.

Maybe it was the loneliness that made me absorb all his admiration for me. I was completely

giving in to him, regardless of my inner critic even when we admitted our feelings.

The conversations grew more serious, plans of the future and the long term goals

appeared and I felt like I was sinking in doom. I wanted to be with him during the summer but I

didn’t want to stay with him forever, that wasn’t on my agenda. It had gone too far. He wasn’t

lying to me when he said, “When we are ninety years old, I will kiss you like we were twenty
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again.” I then knew he felt strongly about me. We resembled the book Song of Songs in the

Bible; an erotic and taboo relationship between an unmarried couple. Who knew that someone

who had wished to be adored as much as he did with me, would reject what I wished for. I don’t

feel bad about my feelings towards it all. I have plans that involve my complete focus and I will

not be sacrificing them for anyone, I owe it to myself. The deepest desires may have been fed but

the goals and alignment will not be drifted from. My inner dialogue came, “There will be no

more of this between us,” it was decided.

Telling him was an incredibly meticulous decision to enact. We could say that I handled it

smoothly, or we can be honest and admit that I had moments of poor choice. He showed a side of

himself I was not expecting. Impulsive words were thrown at me. When he said that he wanted

to take his own life, my heart dropped and I feared that I was foolish for being so deeply

involved with him. I snapped at him for his dramatic display at me. There is only so much I

know I could tolerate and people who threaten their life because of my availability are not one of

them. His words were not the act of desperation that many would believe. It was an impulsive

expression which was done out of the act of fear of the actions he thought he had done against

me. He was afraid that he disrespected me. But this is not a justified reason or excuse to say that

to anyone.

The choice of staying in his life was a complicated matter. I can’t say I am proud of my

decision because I have not had time to experience it. No matter how I end up in the future

because of my involvement with him, I know I’ll support him in his career. I will pray for his

success and I will ask the world to grant him growth in all aspects in his life, mostly his ideology.

I do expect to be enlightened because of their experience. There are a lot of consequences for

being too fast in a relationship; I claim to know that however this story arc is evidence that I do
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not follow it. His unrequited lust for me is acknowledged and I will be gentle with it like glass.

But I’ll never get over the fact that I was fourteen and he was seventeen when we first met.