Gabriel Belford

Tammy Davis

MWF Comp. 1: 10:30

13 September 2023

My Most Important Day,

Those who believe that the trials of life do not have any meaning are ignorant. Life is full

of ups and downs, and it is never quite a smooth road from start to finish, however even though

life may throw curveballs at us and upset us, it is how we react to those imperfections that make

us grow into the people we are destined to be. Who knows, maybe those imperfections of life,

depending on who you ask, are some of the most important days of their lives. My relationship

with a narcissist and having an anxious attachment style, made me realize who I am and what my

purpose in life shall be.

Before I can tell you about my most important day, I must tell you about the weeks

leading up to it. Over 300 million people suffer from an anxiety disorder that they let encompass

them, making it feel like walls have surrounded them, and I was one of those people. My anxiety

made me feel as if I could not let others go until they forced themselves away from my life. Until

the person hurts me or performs something so outrageous that I cannot take it anymore, then and

only then, will I decide it is me over them. When I met my now ex Brailyn in October 2022, I

was greeted by a loving caring girl, she would be considered, at that time, my world and I was

hers. There were several instances that I would be taken aback by however, such as her getting

upset that I would be with friends playing Dungeons and Dragons, or that she thought I was less

mature than I was because I was playing such a game with 17–18-year-olds. This upset me and I

assumed we had persevered through the rift, but to my naivety, she still held resentment towards
me for not obliging to her demands. Everything seemed to go back to normal, but after several

months of what I considered love, she ended things because of the reasoning that her parents

were getting a divorce. She then wanted to stay friends, which I excitedly heard was another

chance to get back together in the future.

This, however, was the start of my grief and anxiety sending me into the deepest

depression I had been in, in my life. The next few days in class at Meridian, I saw her happy,

glowing, and showing interest in a mutual friend of ours. This made me severely anxious to the

point that I could hardly breathe. I began to resent her for making me feel so down while she was

able to walk around like nothing had happened. To try and clear my head, I walked to Boomer

Lake that night and called her. While we talked, and I asked her how she could do that to me, she

cried and apologized, and she repeated that what I saw was not the case. I believed her and gave

in to her cries like I had so many times before. After that we would still go out on dates together,

sleep at each other’s houses, and do everything the same way we did when we were in a

relationship, however, it was different. Every time we would get done doing something together,

I would ask her, “What are we?”, and she would respond that she just could not have a

relationship because she was still working through her parents’ divorce. I always knew how I

wanted things to go between her and me, however stating so, clearly dug me into a deeper hole

than out of one. Today, I do not regret staying, however, it did hurt a tremendous amount to not

be looked at with love as she did before. I felt as if I was forced into limbo, being in a state

between a stranger and a partnership, questioning it every day.

Unfortunately, some people in the world do not realize that they are in a relationship with

a parasite that is feeding off the anxiety and stress that the parasites themselves cause. The

shadow that was cast from my anxiety blurred my vision so that I did not truly see that I was
playing into a narcissist’s sadistic game. I never realized how truly desperate I had become, just

to try and hang onto a fraction of the attention that I had received before. I pity that version of

myself because he did not know what self-love was, even if he proclaimed that he did. And with

this desperation, I fed Brailyn exactly what she wanted, attention. As soon as I felt her pulling

away, I tried to compensate for the lack of connection by flooding her with my love. I thought

that if I made up for her lack, then I could sew our relationship back together. After which she

would give me a little more attention than usual which kept me in the hope that she would be

coming back around. After several weeks of being pulled around like a tug-of-war game, I finally

had enough and started pulling my energy back.

When I first went into no-contact with Brailyn, I was at the movies with several

coworkers of mine who so happened to be girls. As I left the theatre and walked them to their

cars, I noticed that Brailyn was in her vehicle, watching me. I got to my truck and called her to

see what she would say. She said she was outside wanting to have dinner with me and talk. I

obliged, feeling off-put and defiled that I had been stalked out to a point where she knew where I

was. After going home, she must have felt that I was uncomfortable during our dinner because I

received a call from her, crying. She began to accuse me of being with those girls, and who was I

to them, finally I had enough and told her that I could not do this anymore and that I was done. I

think I caught her in her bluff because she became frantic trying to apologize and keep me there,

I did not allow it to. I thought I was happy in the beginning because I had succeeded in freeing

myself from the dragon. But as days went by, I caved in and messaged her, wanting to be friends

again, I felt so lonely that I could not manage it. There is not much to say between that and when

I finally broke away once again, except that I went back to being the anxious, codependent

person that I was before, upsetting the universe because I fell back into Brailyn’s trap. There is a
saying that history always repeats itself, and in my case that is true. After being sick of the way I

was being treated, I went to the mall with those same friends that I had gone to the movies with,

and Brailyn found out. She texted me upset, and again accusing me. I had tried to talk to her

normally, but to no avail, I called her out on all the hurt that she had done over the last several

months. All she could do was not have a conversation, no, but to turn what I said around on

myself. As if it was some sadistic game that the players were trying to make the others cry. The

mask that was the loving-kind girl that I had met so long ago, had now been ripped off to reveal a

narcissist. A person never truly realizes who they are dealing with until you see how they

respond to conflict.

In the eyes of a narcissist, the people around them are there as a list of names to blame

their misery on, even if you have done everything you can to support that individual, they will

truly only see you as someone who is bringing them down. “Do you want me sad and depressed

Gabe, because believe me I am!” was the last thing that she had said to me that caused the

removal of those rose-tinted glasses that I had worn for my entire life. I was baffled by this, and

when I asked why she could say such a thing, she repeated. “I have nothing to be sorry for and

have done nothing wrong in my life, all I have ever done is work with horses.” Honestly, that

sentence was so outrageous that I laughed harder than I probably have before. It was so

demeaning to her name, I was surprised that she could type something so baffling, without

feeling anything at all as to what exactly she had just said. Nonetheless, that was my last straw,

and I left, blocking her number and social media as I did. This was the most important day of my

life.

Today, I believe that narcissistic abuse is truly just that, abuse, and no one should have to

go through that trauma. Now this does not mean that you have the right to blame all your
misfortunes on a narcissist, however, they do cause you pain unimaginable if you had never dealt

with someone like them before. Those who do escape as I did and can stay ahead and strive for a

better future for themselves, shall see that even through the bad, it happened so that you can be

the person you are meant to be and know what your self-worth is.

It is not until we experience the trials of life that we clearly see what we are worth and

who must be purged from our lives. In the beginning, I thought that the world was only full of

hardships and hurt, and nothing but that. I did not realize or see that what was happening in my

life, at that moment would create someone that others look up to for guidance. I would not say

many are lucky to not have to experience hardships through their everyday lives or even

relationships, because I do not envy that, however they are fortunate if they know their worth and

who they are, without that stimulus creating their higher selves. Today, I know that I am worthy

of being loved just as much as I love others. I deserve the kindness and the partnership that I

know is soon to come my way, and now that I know all of this, I do not crave or chase those

thoughts. At the end of the day, I know that I will receive everything that I deserve because I

have put in the effort to make myself better through my darkness. And no one shall ever take that

away from me, like they had done before. Knowing who you are makes life so much more

profound than it already is, experiencing life’s trials is worth it, if you realize that what is coming

will make you a better, stronger human being.