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YOU ARE HERE: Home » marriage/monogamy » If You Can’t Bring Yourself To Be A!ectionate Towards Your Spouse, Let Them Find Someone Who Will Be

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Samantha Rodman Whiten — March 10, 2022  8

Many people struggle with giving their spouse any a!ection, including sex or any other
a!ectionate physical touch. This can be a devastating situation for their spouse, who
experiences deep feelings of touch starvation and emotional abandonment. How and
why does this happen, and what should you ethically do if you can’t or won’t change?

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When people deny their partners any a!ection, their reasons usually their reasons fall
into one of three buckets:
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1. They are “tapped out” (although still work, go to the gym, go to kids’ activities, have a
social life, etc); this one is really just “I don’t want to go outside my comfort zone”)
2. They are literally tapped out, for example, addiction, clinical depression, or severe
anxiety, trying multiple treatments to no avail, unable to work, pretty much unable
to parent or function without a lot of instrumental support LEARN MORE

3. They are too resentful and remain so despite trying couples counseling, endless
fights about whatever the issues are, etc.

In the second case, this person needs a lot of therapy and medication. They are really in a
bad spot and most spouses will want to be ethical and supportive, and stay by their side.
Of course, if someone is in a yearslong battle with addiction, depression, or whatever
else, and cannot focus on having any sort of intimate relationship at all for this entire
time, then that will change the calculus for many spouses.

But in the first or third case, this is someone who has the capacity to be close and
a!ectionate, and likely is with kids and even friends, but they cannot bring themselves to
be a!ectionate or loving to their spouse. Often, they will not only find it hard to give
physical a!ection, but also any loving words. They have basically cut themselves o! from
their spouse but they feel their “reason” is good enough to make their spouse stay with
them anyway.

There is really not much di!erence between the first and third cases. People who are
more conflict averse will situate the problem within themselves and say how busy and
tired they are. People who are comfortable with and even drawn to conflict will situate
the blame in something the partner did. If you are in one of these dynamics, you can try
couples counseling, although it is often the case nowadays that people have tried
multiple go rounds of couples counseling and gotten nowhere on the a!ection front
(except possibly when the “tapped out”/resentful partner is drunk on vacation). But you
can and should also consider why you are preventing your spouse from being free to find
someone else who would love them more in the way they need.

When people refuse to act loving, including physically loving, but still want to remain
together indefinitely with no plan of attack for how this a!ectionless state will be
remediated, it is likely that they are remaining with their spouse primarily out of anxiety.
Anxiety and panic make people very selfish. When you are scared, you look out for #1,
with the possible exception of also looking out for your kids as well. If the idea of divorce
terrifies you, for yourself and/or for your kids, then it may be the case that you are locking
yourself and your partner into a no win situation that will unfortunately also train your
children that a loveless marriage is normal.

Another reason that people will not readily admit for why they stay with a partner that
they cannot bring themselves to give a!ection to is that they want to punish their spouse.
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 Whatever their empathic rupture is, infidelity or anything else, they feel they would be
letting their partner o! the hook if they just let them go and potentially be happy alone or
with someone else. The problem with this punishment is it doesn’t work. The punishing
partner is punished just as badly as is the purported victim, by feeling angry and
resentful all of the time, which impacts their emotional and physical health. And of
course the ultimate victims in this tense, angry scenario are the very children whom the
couple is supposedly staying together in order to protect.

If you are the partner who stays in a zero-a!ection situation, you need to think about
why. It is likely you had a parent that was unable to show you love in a normative way,
with consistency, loving words, cuddles, and so forth. You either had a parent who blew
hot and cold unpredictably (which leads to preoccupied attachment) or who was fairly
detached all the time (which leads to avoidant attachment). You can read more about
attachment here. Your self-esteem issues from your childhood prevent you from
advocating for what you need in a relationship and setting healthy boundaries with your
partner. Instead, you allow them to deny your basic human need for love and listen to
their excuses about why you are impossible to love, no matter how they word it or who
they blame.

If you are in an a!ectionless marriage (which is really for all intents and purposes a
loveless marriage, but many people who deny their partner a!ection will still throw
around the words “I love you”), you and your partner need to deeply consider
alternatives. Often, it is useful to give couples counseling an endpoint, for example: “If we
are no closer within six months then this is not working and we need to figure out if we
should split up.” Incidentally, therapy focused on whether you should remain together or
not is called discernment counseling, although I think this is an example of how our
profession is dividing into infinite unnecessary niches. Any couples counselor with
experience should know when couples counseling jumps the shark and transitions into
discernment counseling.

Note that if you are the a!ection denier and the idea of someone else appreciating and
kissing and sleeping with your spouse makes you angry, take heart! This is a very good
sign and means you have a higher chance of working things out. If you feel nothing or
even relieved about the idea of your spouse being with someone else, you can broach the
idea of an open marriage, but not many couples can navigate this successfully. If you are
one of the ones who can, great. Otherwise, especially if there have been years of
resentment building up, this lack of caring is usually a sign to let your spouse go, because
you are very much out of love with them and likely cannot give them what they need.

Think about this post and if it speaks to you, reach out to a therapist and figure out why
you are either denying your spouse a!ection or agreeing to stay in this dynamic. We only
get one life and nobody deserves to live in an a!ectionless relationship. And till we meet
again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, If Your Marriage Isn’t The One You Would Want
For Your Kids, Consider Why You’re Remaining In It.
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For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice
Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s
books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your
Divorce: Healthy, E!ective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen
to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to
podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these
kinds of issues!

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace
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 consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for
you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and
experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are
hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.

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8 Comments

Nick
March 11, 2022 at 9:29 am — Reply

My partner of 20 years cut o! sex AND a!ection ten years ago

because….Jesus. And, according to her, since we are both divorced, we can’t
get married. We have six grandkids so I am not going anywhere. I just really
miss the touch of a woman. I can’t imagine never touching a woman again.
Some might suggest that I ask for a “hall pass.” I won’t do that for a number of
reasons. One is I believe that a person can NEVER trust that a partner will be
OK with that, even if they say they will. And let’s be real, I can’t say to her, “Hey
honey, I’m going out to try to find someone to have sex with tonight. Don’t
wait up.”
I’m (not) fucked.

FL
March 23, 2022 at 1:15 pm — Reply

I hope you send her this blog! That is so painful to read.

Pursuer protecting her heart

March 14, 2022 at 10:52 pm — Reply

I used to be a super a!ectionate partner in my marriage for many years.

That’s my default. However, I had to consciously bring it to a complete halt
because I always felt it was one-sided, and it really, really messed with my
self-esteem – to the point of trauma; feeling humiliated while expressing
a!ection and feeling rejection.
I have preoccupied attachment style. High libido as well (maybe as a result of
my attachment style, I don’t know). You are right about it punishing me just as
:
 much as it’s punishing him, if not not so. But I have to do it in order to avoid
emotional breakdown (at the imminent rejection) and to salvage whatever
self-respect I have left.
All I want is for him to step up in the a!ection department; to initiate; to
pursue. But it’s been almost three years now and we’ve gotten nowhere.
I just wanted to show you the other side.
I admit showing a!ection did get me a bit of response and reciprocation. But
it was just that. There comes a point when you want to stop being the one who
does everything, and just want to see that if you did, would your partner make
up for the gaps? Would there be anything left in the relationship at all? Well,
the answer becomes clear.

FL
March 23, 2022 at 1:21 pm — Reply

But what if your husband (very little touching) is a sweet Asperger-y guy who
feels su!ocated by more than a second’s hug etc? What could he do – if he was
shocked and or desperate enough to work on this and meet my touch needs?
And no his childhood saw v little a!ection between father and stepmum etc.
It has both psychological and sensory origins – although he was not like this
when the kids were small or with our pet hamster . So maybe it is just me…

patron goddess
March 24, 2022 at 2:58 pm — Reply

that is an entirely di!erent and very specific issue so don’t lump it in

to this category, although you need to get counseling around it

GF
September 15, 2022 at 9:35 am — Reply

Been there. It doesn’t really matter if he has Autism. If your NT and his low
contact style isn’t working for you all the rationalizations in the world wound
help you feel more loved in your relationship. As a high-touch NT who tried to
do this for 10 years, sometimes you have to accept that you messed up and
married someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs. The alternative is resenting
it and being angry. Or maybe you’re a better person then me and can through
some sort of warped transformation to just truly destroy that need in yourself
and call it “growth.”

Valter PF
February 7, 2023 at 9:39 am — Reply

> “usually their reasons fall into one of three buckets:”

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 I would add a fourth: “4. They just don’t care (anymore)”.
Or is it too harsh to say out loud…?

People in relationships change. They get colder or distant. Or they married for
selfish reasons, and after a while their selfishness is all that remains.
I know the Dr. always try to be positive. But it seems to me, sometimes one
has to face the hard truth: maybe your spouse / partner just doesn’t care
about you, and your needs.
Maybe acknowledging this may help to pursue a di!erent path to our own life.

Lastly, when someone keep staying with someone who doesn’t love them
back, reading “Women who love too much” (by Robin Norwood) might help to
understand why (it’s useful for men as well).

Kathy
September 7, 2023 at 12:14 am — Reply

If they can’t or won’t change, see a marriage counselor who has experience in
these type of marriages. I will tell you that they might change for a few years
but jts never permanent. It’s a brain issue and you can’t expect them to be
someone their not. Jus5 when you think everything is great, they will tell you
5hey just can’t fake it any longer. You will be so devastated that you will have
to go into intensive therapy. Let the person go and let them find someone who
is more compatible with them.

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