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F AM I L Y

Mom rage is a real

thing—here's how to
deal with it
You're not an angry person—so it's no
wonder you hardly recognize yourself each
time you explode at your kids. It doesn't
have to be this way. Here's help.
BY COLLEEN SETO

UPDATED FEB 24, 2023

Photo: Getty Images

It’s a weekday morning and I’m making

breakfast. My eight-year-old daughter sits
down to eat, but my five-year-old son is MIA.
Suddenly, a gruesome wail echoes through
the house. I dash to my son’s room to find
him star-fished on the floor in his underwear,
clothes strewn everywhere.

“What’s happening?” I ask. “Are you hurt?”

“My pants feel weird!” he shrieks.

I can’t help but groan. This is day three that

his pants don’t “feel right.” I calmly suggest
different pairs, but none will do—too tight,
too loose, have pockets, or otherwise
somehow offensive. After kicking off a fourth
pair, he throws himself back to the floor.

That’s when my hands start to shake. My

heart starts to pound and my face grows hot.
I hurl all the pants on his bed, shout that he’s
going to school in his goddamn underwear,
and storm out.

It was not my finest moment.

I’m not actually an angry person—friends

have even referred to me as Zen. And yet,
since becoming a mother, particularly once
my second child hit his toddler years, I’ve
experienced more moments of outright rage
than I care to admit. I’ve had to flee to my
bedroom, shut the door and scream or cry or
both. Sometimes, I feel generally pissed off at
everyone and everything, and even the
smallest infraction will incite rage.

This is not the mom I want to be.

What is rage and is it

different than anger?

“Rage is when the anger becomes

uncontrollable,” says Jen Reddish, a
registered master therapeutic counsellor in
Calgary whose focus is on helping new
mothers cope with issues like anger, rage and
guilt. “The anger has overpowered you. You
tell yourself you’re not going to slam the
door, yell at your kid, or tell your spouse to
f*ck off, but when it happens, you can’t stop
it.”

Moms can be prone to rage because the

transition to motherhood is, frankly, way
harder than most of us think it will be.
“There are so many changes—every mom is
thrown, at least a little, by the reality of
motherhood versus their expectations,” says
Reddish.

What's more, mothers often take care of

everyone else, putting their own needs aside.
“If basic needs like getting enough sleep and
eating properly aren’t being met, you’re going
to have a hard time dealing with any emotion,
let alone rage,” explains Reddish. “That’s how
it builds up: unprocessed emotions and
experiences along with unmet needs. And the
tipping point often feels ridiculous. You keep
your calm all day, then your child asks for a
snack before dinner, and you explode.”

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Understanding your triggers

We typically think people fly into a rage, that

it comes out of nowhere. But the experts say
that’s not really how it works. “Imagine an
iceberg,” says Reddish. “What’s on the surface
is the outward displays of anger. But what’s
lurking underneath is so much bigger to
create this feeling of rage—unprocessed
emotions from that day and from your
lifetime. You don’t actually go from zero to
100 in an instant.”

Triggers could be when your kids don’t

listen, when they hurt their sibling or if plans
go sideways. Megan Helm is still figuring out
what sparks her rage. “I’ve realized that noise
is a trigger for me,” says the Cochrane, Alta.
mother of two. “With a three-and-a-half-
year-old and an 18-month-old, things can get
pretty loud, and when it’s too loud for too
long, my jaw starts to clench and I find
myself yelling.”

Helm first began experiencing mom rage four

months after her second child was born. “I
felt so angry,” she recalls. “I was yelling at my
kids for being the way they’re supposed to
be.”

That’s not unusual. Experts say rage triggers

can be things that, intellectually, you know
shouldn’t let bother you. Other times, you
might find yourself screaming at your kids
when they literally did nothing at all. “Often,
triggers have nothing to do with the child,”
says Laura Markham, a New York-based
clinical psychologist, parenting coach and
author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. “It
could be from fighting with your partner, a
bad day at work or unresolved issues from
childhood.”

There’s no magic behind figuring out what

sparks your anger; both Reddish and
Markham suggest simply keeping a log of
when you get angry to see if you can find
patterns. I, for one, have noticed I’m quick to
anger when I’m running late or if I’m feeling
sad about my mom, who I lost unexpectedly
months after my son was born.

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How to cope

If you're committed to working on your rage,

there are various strategies you can try.

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Write it down

Journalling comes naturally to some and feels

awkward to others, but experts say it offers
an effective way to work towards resolving
your rage issues. “Say it’s your child’s
defiance that triggers you,” says Markham.
“Write down what ‘defiance’ means to you.”
You may learn that you react because you
would never have spoken rudely to your
parents. Or, maybe you’re scared that if your
kid acts like this now, what will they be like
when they’re 14? “Once you’re able to identify
and articulate your feelings like
powerlessness and fear, they won’t just burst
out,” says Markham. Reddish agrees. “The
more you can express your emotions
honestly, the less likely you will accumulate
anger,” she says. “This deeper level of self-
care goes way beyond a bath or a massage.”

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Meditate

Once considered New-Agey, meditation is

another proven technique to integrate calm
into your life. Markham recommends
listening to a guided meditation every day—
there are plenty of meditation-focused
YouTube channels, not to mention apps
(Calm, Buddhify and Stop, Breathe & Think
are a few)—and they’ll actually help retrain
your brain. “When you need to calm down,
you can draw on that wiring,” she says. “Even
sticky notes around your house saying
‘breathe’ can help.”

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Figure out what you need

You can’t always control your kids, so control

what you can control. If you know you get
hangry, don’t let it happen, and choose
healthy foods that sustain you for longer. If,
like Helm, you know you rage when you’re
exhausted, take steps to move your bedtime
earlier or prioritize naps. “When I have a lack
of sleep, my tolerance is so low that anything
can set me off,” admits Helm. And don’t
underestimate the power of taking a walk.
The fresh air, change of scenery and exercise
can go a long way to changing your mood. So
can just talking to someone—maybe your
partner, maybe a close friend—who will truly
listen, without trying to fix or minimize your
problems. “Anger is a secondary emotion,”
says Reddish. “There’s always an underlying
emotion. Am I sad? Am I anxious? Am I
overwhelmed?” Figure out what need is being
unmet and satisfy it.

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Consider getting help

Professional support is something to

consider, especially when dealing with
complex triggers like grief, anxiety and
abuse, or rage that you or your family feels is
out of control. This can range from
workshops and support groups to individual
counselling.

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You're not alone

“I fully lost my sh*t and raged uncontrollably

at my preschooler this morning,” said no
mom at a playgroup, ever. Seriously though,
while moms are sharing the hard stuff more
and more these days, mom rage isn’t a
common conversation. I rarely share how I
can totally lose it.

Like me, many moms rarely experienced rage

before motherhood, so to suddenly find
ourselves unable to rein in the anger with our
little ones can be both surprising and
upsetting. Moms often struggle in solitude
because they feel ashamed. “When I would
mention to other moms that I have
postpartum rage, they’d look at me like I have
two heads,” says Helm. “But then we’d talk
about what happens, and they would say, ‘Oh
yeah, that actually happens to me, too.’

“The acknowledgment that other parents

deal with rage helps,” says Helm. “You don’t
feel so alone. I started saying, my kids
deserve better. Then I said, I deserve better.”
That realization encouraged Helm to seek
resources, including Reddish’s rage and
motherhood workshops. “As scary as it
seemed to go talk with others, I felt very
heard,” she says. “The women around me
were feeling similar things. Rage happens and
I shouldn’t feel guilty about everything.”

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Change is possible

You know raging is bad for your kids. Not

only is it scary for them and potentially
dangerous, but when you can’t regulate your
own feelings, you can’t teach them to deal
with theirs. “Everyone repeats the
relationships they grew up with,” says
Markham. But rage is also bad for you.
“Studies show [people] are more likely to
have a heart attack, elevated blood pressure,
and be in a bad mood more often,” says
Markham.

But change is 100 percent possible. Think of

wherever you are now as your starting place.
“It’s a progression,” says Helm. “Change isn’t
something that happens overnight. I wanted
so badly for it to be okay right away, but a
year later, I’m still learning.”

Commit to making changes. “If you eat well

for a month, lose weight and feel better, but
then go right back to eating badly, it’s not
going to last,” says Markham. “Try meditating
10 minutes a day for 90 days—that makes a
solid habit. You will absolutely see a
difference.”

To combat my mom rage, I’ve been trying to

get more sleep and exercise. I limit my daily
to-do list so I don’t run late and get
aggravated. I dig deeper by journaling, and
when I do erupt, I examine honestly why I
got upset. Then I try to deal calmly with what
is usually grief and frustration.

As a parent of two young boys, Reddish has

had her own moments of rage, usually
stemming from feeling overwhelmed and
under-supported. She likens dealing with
rage to quieting a child. “You can’t just lock
them away—the child will likely scream
louder. But if you take care of the child,
you’re more likely to calm that child. In the
same way, the more you suppress anger, the
more it will become rage. But the more you
nurture and take care of it, the better off
you’ll be. Look at anger as a tool to help you
learn and make changes.”

Ultimately, rage is a red flag signalling that

something in your life needs urgent
attention. “You’re never going to live a life
without experiencing anger,” says Reddish.
“But if you listen to your anger, and learn to
manage your triggers, then you can live a life
without rage.”

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In the heat of the moment

Avoiding your triggers and getting to the root

of the issue is key to preventing mom rage.
But what should you do in the moment, when
rage strikes?

If you can safely leave—if your kids are old

enough, or if another safe adult is around, for
example—then that's a good option. If not, as
simple as it sounds, try to breathe. “Deep
breaths tell our body it’s not an emergency,
and it’s okay to calm down,” says Markham.

Experiment with actions that break you out

of your rage and calm you down—it may be
quietly repeating a mantra or splashing cold
water on your face. The more you do it, the
easier it becomes. If you perceive your anger
as completely justified—say, your kid steals
something—you may think you need to take
action right away. But you don’t, Markham
says. Nothing constructive happens from
expressing your rage at your kids because
effective discipline is best delivered calmly
and rationally. Plus, she says, “you want your
child to know that you don’t just do what you
feel when you’re angry.”

This article was originally published online in

September 2019.

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