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About the Author
Patt Lind-Kyle, MA, is an author and thought leader. She has taught
in the academic world, created a small business, practiced as
management consultant and executive coach, and had her own
private consulting practice. Patt has been exploring the exciting new
brain/mind research and working with the new tools of
neuromonitoring to help individuals become more effective with their
brain/mind. Patt’s current focus is on the awakening process to
rewire our approach to death. She was trained as a hospice
volunteer and served patients in the Hospice Hospital of Portland,
Oregon, and Hospice of the Foothills of California. Patt confronted
the deep fear of her own death in a long meditation retreat.
Her book Heal Your Mind, Rewire Your Brain won the Independent
Publishers Gold Medal Award and a Best Book Award from USA Book
News. Patt has written a chapter in Audacious Aging, and she is also
the author of When Sleeping Beauty Wakes Up. Visit her online at
www.PattLindKyle.com.
Llewellyn Publications
Woodbury, Minnesota
Copyright Information
Embracing the End of Life: A Journey Into Dying & Awakening ©
2017 by Patt Lind-Kyle.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced
in any matter whatsoever, including Internet usage, without written
permission from Llewellyn Publications, except in the form of brief
quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
As the purchaser of this e-book, you are granted the non-exclusive,
non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on
screen. The text may not be otherwise reproduced, transmitted,
downloaded, or recorded on any other storage device in any form or
by any means.
Any unauthorized usage of the text without express written
permission of the publisher is a violation of the author’s copyright
and is illegal and punishable by law.
First e-book edition © 2017
E-book ISBN: 9780738753836
Cover Design by Howie Severson/Fortuitous Publishing
Interior illustrations by Llewellyn Art Department
Llewellyn Publications is an imprint of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Lind-Kyle, Patt, author.
Title: Embracing the end of life : a journey into dying & awakening /
Patt
Lind-Kyle, MA.
Description: First Edition. | Woodbury : Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd.,
2017. |
Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017032851 (print) | LCCN 2017023883 (ebook) |
ISBN
9780738753836 (ebook) | ISBN 9780738753560 (alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Death. | Life.
Classification: LCC BD444 (print) | LCC BD444 .L489 2017 (ebook) |
DDC
155.9/37--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017032851
Llewellyn Publications does not participate in, endorse, or have any
authority or responsibility concerning private business arrangements
between our authors and the public.
Any Internet references contained in this work are current at
publication time, but the publisher cannot guarantee that a specific
reference will continue or be maintained. Please refer to the
publisher’s website for links to current author websites.
Llewellyn Publications
Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd.
2143 Wooddale Drive
Woodbury, MN 55125
www.Llewellyn.com
Manufactured in the United States of America
To Don Riso
His Enneagram teaching came from
his heart, and that healed my soul.
Disclaimer
Please note that the information in this book is not meant to
diagnose, treat, prescribe, or be a substitute for consultation with a
licensed healthcare professional. Both the author and the publisher
recommend that you consult a medical practitioner before
attempting the techniques outlined in this book.
Contents
List of Exercises
Foreword by Karen Wyatt, MD
Introduction: Why Are We Interested in the End of Our L
Part I—How to Prepare for Your Death
Chapter 1—The Physical, Psychological, and Spiritual Process of
Death
Chapter 2—Step 1: Stages of Resistance
Chapter 3—Step 1: Running away from Death
Chapter 4—Step 2: From Resistance to Letting Go
Chapter 5—Step 2: Dying Preparation: Spiritual Considerations
Chapter 6—Step 3: Letting Go into Transcendence
Chapter 7—Step 3: After-Death Experience and Instructions
Chapter 8—Practical Preparations for Death
Chapter 9—Legal Document Planning
Part II—The Journey to Freedom: A Guide to Life
Chapter 10—The Development and Structure of the Self
Chapter 11—The Energy Template of the Self
Chapter 12—Step 1: Journey of Separation
Chapter 13—Step 2: Journey of Emotions
Chapter 14—Step 3: Journey of the Mind
Chapter 15—Step 4: Journey of Self-Identity
Part III—The Path of Freedom
Chapter 16—Step 5: Freedom from Personal Identity
Chapter 17—Step 6: Freedom from the Mental Self
Chapter 18—Step 7: Freedom from the Emotional Self
Chapter 19—Step 8: Freedom from Separation
Afterword
Appendix A: Resources
Appendix B: Legal Documents
Appendix C: Enneagram
Appendix D: Bonus Meditation Videos
Bibliography
Acknowledgments
List of Exercises
Chapter 2
The Mask You Wear Regarding Your Death
Reflection on Denial
Reflection on Anger
Reflection on Bargaining
Reflection on Depression
Reflection on Despair
Chapter 3
Beliefs About Death
The Constricted Self
Confronting Pain
Confronting Physical and Emotional Suffering
The Meaning of Your Life
What Gives Me Meaning?
Accepting Myself
How a Person Dies
Reflection on Meditation Practice
Chapter 4
Life Transition
Who Am I?
Sending and Receiving Love and Kindness for Self
Sending Love for Others
Chapter 5
Preparation for Letting Go
Affirmations for Letting Go and Preparing for Death
Practical Preparation—What to Listen to in the Dying Process
Chapter 6
Affirmations for Approaching Death
Affirmations to Change Thoughts Before Death
Experiencing the Moment of Death
A Reading to Be Spoken While Dying and After Death
Purification for Death—Essential Phowa
Chapter 7
Practice to Prepare for After-Death Experience
Affirmation for Caregivers After a Person’s Death
Chapter 8
How Do You Want to Be Treated in Your Dying Process?
What Do You Want from Your Caregivers?
Grief Affirmation Phrases for Caregivers
What Do You Want During and After Your Death?
Chapter 9
Evaluate Your Documents
Choices for Individuals to Fulfill Roles
Resuscitation Choices
What Type of Support Do You Want?
What to Do with Your Body
Should You Donate?
Information for Death Certificates
Information on Burial Services
Information on Cremation Services
Chapter 10
Sensing the Energy Field of the Body
Impact of the Body, Mind, and Emotions
Right/Left Brain Assessment
Convergent/Divergent Thinking Assessment
Chapter 11
Chakra Balancing Practice
Element Sensations
Taking the Enneagram Assessment
Chapter 12
Age Separation Development
Brain Frequency Patterns
Enneagram Patterns
Meditation Ages Birth to Four Years Old
Meditation Ages Thirty to Thirty-Fourand Sixty to Sixty-Four
Chapter 13
Age Development
Brain Frequency Patterns
Enneagram Patterns
Meditation Ages Four to Eight
Meditation Ages Thirty-Four to Thirty-Eight
Meditation Ages Sixty-Four to Sixty-Eight
Chapter 14
Brain Frequency Patterns
Enneagram Patterns
Meditation Ages Eight to Twelve
Meditation Ages Thirty-Eight to Forty-Two
Meditation Ages Sixty-Eight to Seventy-Two
Chapter 15
Age Development
Brain Frequency Patterns
Enneagram Patterns
Meditation Ages Twelve to Sixteen
Meditation Ages Forty-Two to Forty-Six
Meditation Ages Seventy-Two to Seventy-Six
Chapter 16
Working with Forgiveness
Forgiveness Meditation
Chapter 17
Gratitude Meditation
Chapter 18
Appreciation Practice
Presence and Appreciation Meditation
Chapter 19
Kindness and Compassion Meditation
Integration Meditation
Foreword by Karen Wyatt, MD
I
n my years of working with dying patients as a hospice physician,
I saw ample evidence of the death denial that exists in our
society. Many of my patients had never even considered the fact that
they would one day face their own death and were totally
unprepared when they reached life’s end. They had to struggle to
heal relationships, find meaning in life, and cope with fears of the
unknown in the very last moments of their existence. Most of them
had lived life in an unconscious manner as well, and had failed to
grasp the deeper lessons of their experiences and engage fully in the
entire spectrum life had offered them. These are the people the
renowned Buddhist teacher Sogyal Rinpoche referred to when he
wrote, “Most people die unprepared for death, as they have lived,
unprepared for life.”
The fear of death is part of our human nature but doesn’t serve us
well in our individual lives when we fail to contemplate and embrace
our own mortality. In addition, this lack of death awareness has
harmed our entire planet, as we have existed without respect for the
fragility and fleetingness of all life, have taken more than needed
from the earth’s limited resources, and have failed to honor the
natural balance of the ecosystem. When we ignore the importance
of death in the life cycle, we hinder the flourishing of creativity in our
own lives and also in the natural world. For our own evolution and
the survival of the planet, it is essential to confront the denial of
death and transcend the limitations of our fears.
Los Angeles funeral director Caitlin Doughty once mentioned in an
interview that the denial of death is a “luxury” of living in a First
World nation. She went on to say that had we been born in India we
would view death as a natural part of life, as a result of witnessing it
on a daily basis: from beggars dying on the streets to family
members dying in the home to crematory pyres floating continuously
along the Ganges River. But we in Western society have not had this
lifelong exposure to death and must intentionally educate ourselves
to overcome our intrinsic death-phobia.
Those who recognize their own mortality may be inspired to
prepare for the end of life, but have little idea where to begin or how
to confront their fears and limited knowledge about dying and death.
Fortunately, Patt Lind-Kyle’s groundbreaking book Embracing the End
of Life: The Journey Into Dying and Awakening offers the precise
guidance needed for the contemplation of death along with the tools
to actually transcend fear and discover the joy of living an awakened
and aware life.
With her background in East/West psychology and extensive
research in right/left brain function, Lind-Kyle is perfectly suited to
guide the reader across the bridge between life and death. She
combines her academic knowledge with the wisdom attained from
her thirty-five-year practice of meditation in the Theravada tradition
to provide a richly interwoven mind/body/spirit approach to death
and dying. In addition, her life-changing book is both inspirational
and practical, with specific exercises to explore the roots of fear,
age-related meditations, and descriptions of Enneagram and brain
frequency patterns for various stages of life.
This book informs the reader not only about the physical,
psychological, and spiritual aspects of the dying process but also
inspires the examination of emotions and beliefs about death
through a series of written reflections. These exercises form the
guideposts for a journey into deeper and deeper death-awareness
that results in expanded consciousness as well. Ultimately the reader
is not only prepared for what the dying process may entail, but also
equipped with a new mind-set toward death and specific practices
necessary for navigating unknown terrain at the end of life.
Furthermore, a wealth of practical resources is offered for
caregiving, legal document preparation, and support of the dying
from various religious perspectives.
Embracing the End of Life offers a beautiful gift for those who
follow its recommended exercises: the opportunity to become
enlightened about death long before this wisdom is needed.
Transcending the fear of death in this way allows much more room
for creativity, joy, and the freedom to finally live in a fully awakened
state. Patt Lind-Kyle writes, “Death is one of the most precious
experiences you will ever have in this life.” It turns out, her book
informs us, that death is actually the key to life—and there is no
more important lesson for us to learn.
As a guidebook for the journey from birth to death, Embracing the
End of Life serves as a wise companion for those who dare to live
deeply into the mysteries of life and death, with eyes wide open and
mind fully centered in the present moment. This innovative and
comprehensive book has the power to change the perception of
death for the individual reader and for society as a whole as we
confront the most fundamental question of our humanity: “How do
we live while knowing we will die?” Read this book now to transform
how you live for the rest of your days, and then keep it on your
bookshelf as a resource to consult over and over again on your own
“journey into dying and awakening.”
—Karen Wyatt, MD, author of What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for
Living from the Stories of the Dying
[contents]
Introduction
Why Are We Interested
in the End of Our Life?
If you accept that death is part of life,
then when it actually does come, you may face it more easily.
—his holiness the fourteenth dalai lama
[contents]
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had not loved the children with all the devotion he should have or he
would never have had the thoughts he had had—or so he had
reasoned afterward. Yet then as now he suffered because of the love
he should have given them, and had not—and now could not any
more, save in memory. He recalled how both boys looked in those
last sad days, their pinched little faces and small weak hands! Marie
was crushed, and yet dearer for the time being than ever before. But
the two children, once gone, had seemed the victims of his own dark
thoughts as though his own angry, resentful wishes had slain them.
And so, for the time, his mood changed. He wished, if he could, that
he might undo it all, go on as before with Marie, have other children
to replace these lost ones in her affection—but no. It was apparently
not to be, not ever any more.
For, once they were gone, the cords which had held him and Marie
together were weaker, not stronger—almost broken, really. For the
charm which Marie had originally had for him had mostly been
merged in the vivacity and vitality and interest of these two prattling
curly-headed boys. Despite the financial burden, the irritation and
drain they had been at times, they had also proved a binding chain,
a touch of sweetness in the relationship, a hope for the future, a
balance which had kept even this uneven scale. With them present
he had felt that however black the situation it must endure because
of them, their growing interests; with them gone, it was rather plain
that some modification of their old state was possible—just how, for
the moment, he scarcely dared think or wish. It might be that he
could go away and study for awhile now. There was no need of his
staying here. The neighborhood was too redolent now of the
miseries they had endured. Alone somewhere else, perhaps, he
could collect his thoughts, think out a new program. If he went away
he might eventually succeed in doing better by Marie. She could
return to her parents in Philadelphia for a little while and wait for him,
working there at something as she had before until he was ready to
send for her. The heavy load of debts could wait until he was better
able to pay them. In the meantime, also, he could work and whatever
he made over and above his absolute necessities might go to her—
or to clearing off these debts.
So he had reasoned.
But it had not worked out so of course. No. In the broken mood in
which Marie then was it was not so easy. Plainly, since he had run
across her that April day in Philadelphia when he was wiring for the
great dry goods store, her whole life had become identified with his,
although his had not become merged with hers. No. She was, and
would be, as he could so plainly see, then, nothing without him,
whereas he—he—Well, it had long since been plain that he would be
better off without her—materially, anyhow. But what would she do if
he stayed away a long time—or never came back? What become?
Had he thought of that then? Yes, he had. He had even thought that
once away he might not feel like renewing this situation which had
proved so disastrous. And Marie had seemed to sense that, too. She
was so sad. True he had not thought of all these things in any bold
outright fashion then. Rather they were as sly, evasive shadows
skulking in the remote recesses of his brain, things which scarcely
dared show their faces to the light, although later, once safely away
—they had come forth boldly enough. Only at that time, and later—
even now, he could not help feeling that however much Marie might
have lacked originally, or then, the fault for their might was his,—that
if he himself had not been so dull in the first instance all these black
things would not have happened to him or to her. But could she go
on without him? Would she? he had asked himself then. And
answered that it would be better for him to leave and build himself up
in a different world, and then return and help her later. So he fretted
and reasoned.
But time had solved all that, too. In spite of the fact that he could
not help picturing her back there alone with her parents in
Philadelphia, their poor little cottage in Leigh Street in which she and
her parents had lived—not a cottage either, but a minute little brick
pigeon-hole in one of those long lines of red, treeless, smoky
barracks flanking the great mills of what was known as the
Reffington District, where her father worked—he had gone. He had
asked himself what would she be doing there? What thinking, all
alone without him—the babies dead? But he had gone.
He recalled so well the day he left her—she to go to Philadelphia,
he to Boston, presumably—the tears, the depression, the
unbelievable sadness in her soul and his. Did she suspect? Did she
foreknow? She was so gentle, even then, so trustful, so sad. “You
will come back to me, dearie, won’t you, soon?” she had said, and so
sadly. “We will be happy yet, won’t we?” she had asked between
sobs. And he had promised. Oh yes; he had done much promising in
his life, before and since. That was one of the darkest things in his
nature, his power of promising.
But had he kept that?
However much in after months and years he told himself that he
wanted to, that he must, that it was only fair, decent, right, still he
had not gone back. No. Other things had come up with the passing
of the days, weeks, months, years, other forces, other interests.
Some plan, person, desire had always intervened, interfered,
warned, counseled, delayed. Were there such counselors? There
had been times during the first year when he had written her and
sent her a little money—money he had needed badly enough
himself. Later there was that long period in which he felt that she
must be getting along well enough, being with her parents and at
work, and he had not written. A second woman had already
appeared on the scene by then as a friend. And then—
The months and years since then in which he had not done so!
After his college course—which he took up after he left Marie,
working his way—he had left Boston and gone to K—— to begin a
career as an assistant plant manager and a developer of ideas of his
own, selling the rights to such things as he invented to the great
company with which he was connected. And then it was that by
degrees the idea of a complete independence and a much greater
life had occurred to him. He found himself so strong, so interesting to
others. Why not be free, once and for all? Why not grow greater?
Why not go forward and work out all the things about which he had
dreamed? The thing from which he had extricated himself was too
confining, too narrow. It would not do to return. The old shell could
not now contain him. Despite her tenderness, Marie was not
significant enough. So—He had already seen so much that he could
do, be, new faces, a new world, women of a higher social level.
But even so, the pathetic little letters which still followed from time
to time—not addressed to him in his new world (she did not know
where he was), but to him in the old one—saying how dearly she
loved him, how she still awaited his return, that she knew he was
having a hard time, that she prayed always, and that all would come
out right yet, that they would be able to be together yet!—she was
working, saving, praying for him! True, he had the excuse that for the
first four years he had not really made anything much, but still he
might have done something for her,—might he not have?—gone
back, persuaded her to let him go, made her comfortable, brought
her somewhat nearer him even? Instead he had feared, feared,
reasoned, argued.
Yes, the then devil of his nature, his ambition, had held him
completely. He was seeing too clearly the wonder of what he might
be, and soon, what he was already becoming. Everything as he
argued then and saw now would have had to be pushed aside for
Marie, whereas what he really desired was that his great career, his
greater days, his fame, the thing he was sure to be now—should
push everything aside. And so—Perhaps he had become sharper,
colder, harder, than he had ever been, quite ready to sacrifice
everything and everybody, or nearly, until he should be the great
success he meant to be. But long before this he might have done so
much. And he had not—had not until very recently decided to revisit
this older, sweeter world.
But in the meantime, as he had long since learned, how the
tragedy of her life had been completed. All at once in those earlier
years all letters had ceased, and time slipping by—ten years really—
he had begun to grow curious. Writing back to a neighbor of hers in
Philadelphia in a disguised hand and on nameless paper, he had
learned that nearly two years before her father had died and that she
and her mother and brother had moved away, the writer could not
say where. Then, five years later, when he was becoming truly
prosperous, he had learned, through a detective agency, that she
and her mother and her ne’er-do-well brother had moved back into
this very neighborhood—this old neighborhood of his and hers!—or,
rather, a little farther out near the graveyard where their two boys
were buried. The simplicity of her! The untutored homing instinct!
But once here, according to what he had learned recently, she and
her mother had not prospered at all. They had occupied the most
minute of apartments farther out, and had finally been compelled to
work in a laundry in their efforts to get along—and he was already so
well-to-do, wealthy, really! Indeed three years before his detectives
had arrived, her mother had died, and two years after that, she
herself, of pneumonia, as had their children. Was it a message from
her that had made him worry at that time? Was that why, only six
months since, although married and rich and with two daughters by
this later marriage, he had not been able to rest until he had found
this out, returned here now to see? Did ghosts still stalk the world?
Yes, to-day he had come back here, but only to realize once and
for all now how futile this errand was, how cruel he had been, how
dreary her latter days must have been in this poor, out-of-the-way
corner where once, for a while at least, she had been happy—he
and she.
“Been happy!”
“By God,” he suddenly exclaimed, a passion of self-reproach and
memory overcoming him, “I can’t stand this! It was not right, not fair. I
should not have waited so long. I should have acted long, long since.
The cruelty—the evil! There is something cruel and evil in it all, in all
wealth, all ambition, in love of fame—too cruel. I must get out! I must
think no more—see no more.”
And hurrying to the door and down the squeaking stairs, he
walked swiftly back to the costly car that was waiting for him a few
blocks below the bridge—that car which was so representative of the
realm of so-called power and success of which he was now the
master—that realm which, for so long, had taken its meaningless
lustre from all that had here preceded it—the misery, the loneliness,
the shadow, the despair. And in it he was whirled swiftly and gloomily
away.
IX
PHANTOM GOLD