Pajama Man

A Screenplay by Jared Rosa and Alex de Azagra

Disclaimer: None of this should be taken seriously.

Draft 4 Edits: 8/23/09, 9/6/09, 11/1/09, 12/17/09 ROLL OPENING CREDITS [Scene I] FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBAN SIDEWALK - NIGHT It is a dark summer night. A woman, whose name is VIOLET, is walking her dog down a sidewalk in a rural neighborhood. In the distance, we hear some ghetto sounds approaching. It's black people music and VIOLET tries to ignore it; however, it is apparent that she is nervous. A sick ride is driving along very slowly blasting some jams. In it are some white kids headbanging and stuffs. Throughout the scene we listen to the song, JESUS CHRIST IS MY ASTRONAUT, sung by J RAD. SONG: JESUS CHRIST IS MY ASTRONAUT J RAD (O.S.): YO YO YO DROP THE BEAT NOW UH YEAH .UH YEAH NOW UH YEAH UH YEAH NOW JC AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME JCASTRONAUT JC DONT YOU SEE? JCASTRONAUT The big Jesus hes my home dog when Im walking down the steet he got my back like a zaugg -- all the cops theyre so discriminatin

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just because Im black Im so incriminatin They try to lock me up they try to throw the book but Im with the JC I just give them a look Back off boys Im with the Messiah, I say So get the hell out my way Look, have a good day JC AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME JCASTRONAUT JC DONT YOU SEE? JCASTRONAUTtake it J RAD. -- yo homie. Whats up my main man? Im black too Ive been in the can Bein persecuted, cruciated cause of my race it sucks, I know its a disgrace But now Im rolling with Jesus hes in my posse now hes a ------- astronaut all the haters back down. You know NASA? The space station? ---- shit like that? hes got the home advantage pull a rabbit outta his hat All the girls wanna be his Mary Magdeline especially Jasmine that chick with the stripper name

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Wow. None of that rhymed at all -- who cares! Im still on the ball JC AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME JCASTRONAUT JC DONT YOU SEE? JCASTRONAUT Yo sometimes I miss being a playa the girls all around laya by laya by laya The Classy JC run me straight outta business he got the whole town rapping and dancing -- come on Jehovah -- its time to go -- we gotta hit the road I gotta date with a hwhat? Then we go to chilis and get some drank the waitress is good lookin I draw a blank Jesus is so cool the way he stares at me when Im sleeping he sits there watching me At first it made me feel kinda weird but hes an astronaut he likes his burgers seared JC AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME JCASTRONAUT JC DONT YOU SEE? JCASTRONAUT

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PEACE! VIOLET keeps walking trying to ignore the car as it creeps closer and closer to her. The music is blasting. From the opposite side of the sidewalk we see the car pull up next to her. The white gangstas start to harass her. GANGSTA 1: Look y'all! Its a white, middle class suburban woman! WB: So do you take the dog for a walk often? Maybe we should take it for a walk for you; it seems awfully annoying to walk it all the time WB is a white kid in his mid-teens, he is driving the car and is the apparent leader of the gang. GANGSTA 2: You got that right, WB! Mmmm, I dont know who Id rather put between a bun: the walker or the walked. Hahaha!! They all laugh. VIOLET has an outward look of disgust toward the hooligans. She begins to back up from the car. VIOLET: Did I invite you to my barbeque? (she pauses) Then why you getting up in my grill? The gangstas and WB laugh sarcastically. They are somewhat taken aback by her comment. GANGSTA 1 You think you're clever? GANGSTA 2 Oh so she wants to be sassy with us. The Hooligans move to get out of the car to further harass the woman. They inch closer to her as she backs down. Suddenly, they are stopped by a voice.

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NAZ: Hey, leave her alone you animals! The hero emerges from behind some bushes, he is dressed very homily in pajamas and socks. WB: Who the hell are you? NAZ: My name is Naz, urmuhhPajama Man. Who the hell are you? WB: The name's WB. You just crawl out of bed? Need a glass of water or something? NAZ takes more steps forward. NAZ: Youd better skedaddle on out of here if you know whats good for you. GANGSTA 2: You little punk. Dont you know that no one messes with WB in the E three twentyyyy and gets away with it? NAZ: Youre all a bunch of cowards the way I see it. I'm the one walking around in pajamas after all. This is your last chance, scatter off or ill be forced to turn my swag on. The gangstas simply laugh at him. WB: Alright boys, lets teach this sandman a lesson. Go kick his ass! GANGSTA 1 AND 2:

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Right boss! The gangstas move toward NAZ with the intention of causing harm. They have no weapons and use their fists as bludgeons. NAZ is ready for them. GANGSTA 1 lunges at him, he quickly sidesteps and trips the hooligan. GANGSTA 2 comes in for a punch. NAZ avoids it and grabs the punching arm and swings him to the ground. He moves back to the first attacker still on the ground and gives him a mighty kick in the balls. The GANGSTA 2 attempts to get up but is thrown back down again. He screams in pain and asks for mercy. GANGSTA 1: Aww man, dont kill me man! I dont even have health insurance, I was counting on getting the plan from the government that nobody read! NAZ: Don't you diss my homeboy Obama! He gives the gangsta a kick in the stomach, knocking him out. NAZ: Looks like I took care of your cronies, do you want some of this Mr. WB? WB: Hahaha, dont make me laugh. I'm going to make you eat those words, sandman! NAZ: It's Pajama Man! WB: Whatevs. Get ready for some hurt. NAZ prepares for a second round of hand-to-hand combat. WB knows better and decides to step up the combat a notch. He pulls from his pants (unseen till now) a sword, fully sharpened. VIOLET continues to watch from the sidewalk, in awe of the recent events. NAZ: So you think you can beat me with that little butter knife? I'll admit, hiding that down your pants is pretty impressive but I bet you barely know how to use it.

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WB: Think again, tough guy! En Guard! WB lunges at NAZ, wielding his sword fiercely. NAZ dodges several swipes and blows. He retreats and grabs a nearby banana and catches WBs next blow in a parry. They continue to fight for a few more blows, it is clear that NAZ is outmatched by the swordsmanship of WB and is backed into a corner. WB disarms NAZ with a swish of the sword the banana goes flying. WB: You lose sleepyhead! NAZ: I have only yet begun to fight! WB: (laughs) When you get to hell, tell Dumbledore I said, "Hi!" WB places the sword on NAZ and slashes him across the chest. NAZ falls in slow motion to the ground. WB: Pitiful. Let's go boys. He motions to the other gangstas and they get in the car. They drive off laughing. VIOLET runs over to him. VIOLET: Oh my god! Are you all right? NAZ: (weakly) Do youdodo you have any cheetos? VIOLET: What? NAZ: Chee-- ahh, cheetos. VIOLET: Yes. I do. Are you hungry? NAZ:

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Sure. I need some. He eats the cheetos. Strength begins to pulse through his system. He looks at her. VIOLET: My name is Violet. I didn't catch your name. NAZ: I'm Na--- Pajama Man. I'm a vag-il-ant-teh. VIOLET: A vigil-an-tee? Well, what you are is a mess. But thank you for saving me. That was very kind of you. Will you let me take you to your house? NAZ: Actually it's right across the street. Howcoincidental. They walk across the street together. She has her arms supporting him. He looks into the distance. They reach the door. VIOLET: I'll come check in on you tomorrow, okay? NAZ: Ughh. Okay He collapses and the door closes. She walks away.

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[Scene II] CUT TO: INT: A BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING. NAZ is lying on a bed completely wiped out. The doorbell rings. NAZ: You-gee-h-h-h-h. Who the? He gets out of bed, fully clothed. NAZ: Ahhhh. The doorbell rings again. NAZ: Whaaaa? It dawns on him who is at the door and he suddenly becomes fully awake and aware. NAZ: Violet! I gotta hide myidentity! He ruffles through his drawers to put on a pair of pajamas over his head. After doing so, he runs down the stairs to the door. B DOG is barking. NAZ: B dog. Back of the bus. Go lie down. B DOG runs away. He opens the door. It's PAVEMENT. NAZ: Pavement! What are you doing here? And who named you "Pavement." I've always wondered that. PAVEMENT:

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What the hell happened to you bro? NAZ: Shut up and get in here bro. I'm expecting a lady. He throws the pajamas into the kitchen. PAVEMENT: Say what? NAZ: Let me tell you the story. We rewatch most of Scene 1, except this time its animated! We see NAZ, WB, and Violet in their stick-figure glory. NAZ narrates detail by detail what happened along the way. It's mostly just NAZ babbling and it's perfect filler time for this movie. NAZ: and then I passed out on my bed. PAVEMENT: Why? NAZ: Because WB shanked me with his sword. Look, Violet's coming over. PAVEMENT: Why? NAZ: She wants to check up on me. PAVEMENT: Why? NAZ: I saved her life. Stop saying "why." PAVEMENT: Okay. Well, I'm just going to grab a bite to eat and then---

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The doorbell rings. NAZ and PAVEMENT look at eachother. NAZ: I need pajamas! He runs off. PAVEMENT ducks behind the couch but not before saying: PAVEMENT: and a life NAZ goes to the door with the pajamas over his head. B DOG is there. NAZ: (sweetly) Look B DOG. I know you don't like people of the Caucasian race, but, for oncejust be a good dog. Okay? (angrily) Or I'll bite your paw off and set your tail on fire. He opens the door. It's VIOLET. VIOLET: Wow. You look much better, actually. NAZ: Thanks. Come in? VIOLET: Sure. They walk in and sit down. Awkward silence. NAZ: Sohow about thathealthcare? VIOLET: (suddenly) Will you go to dinner with me tonight? PAVEMENT: WHAT THE FU--

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NAZ reaches behind the couch and hits PAVEMENT on the head. VIOLET: What was that? NAZ: Prolly just B DOG. He does that sometimes VIOLET: Well? NAZ: Sure. I'll pick you up at 8. VIOLET: Here's my business card. She hands him a card that reads: "Violet Rose/ Professional High School Graduate/ 324 Awesome Lane/ Sacramento, CA" VIOLET: See you tonight homie. Heehee. She walks out. We hear her exiting. But before she goes, we hear offscreen: VIOLET (O.S.): Aren't you a cute doggie! B DOG (O.S.): WOOF! WOOF! WOOF WOOF, GET YOUR ASS-OUTTA-MY-HOUSE! PAVEMENT gets out from behind the couch. NAZ and PAVEMENT stare at each other. PAVEMENT smiles. PAVEMENT: Nice going, boy. They do their very very long secret handshake. It is almost awkwardly long, a minute at least. NAZ: ThanksGod I'm nervous. I need cheetos.

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PAVEMENT: Dude. Your love for cheetos isn't healthy. NAZ: Who cares! I don't. We watch a montage of him eating cheetos and getting progressively high while PAVEMENT is doing other mindless activities like reading the paper or folding laundry. We see the time on the clock behind them changing. NAZ sort of gets out of the haze and looks at the time on the clock. It is 10:05 PM. NAZ: Ahhhhh! NAZ gets up and grabs the clock, throws it down on the ground and watches it break to pieces. NAZ: Pavement. Wake up. PAVEMENT: Ughhhhwha? The phone rings. NAZ sits and stares at it for an awkwardly long time. Finally the answering machine clicks on. NAZ (O.S.): Hi this is Naz. I'm not here so please leave a message. VIOLET (O.S.): Hey. Guess what time it is? After 10 PM. Stand girls up much? The message ends. PAVEMENT: You need help man, for this cheetos thing. I'm taking you to a psychiatrist.

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NAZ: NO!!!! I had to go to a psychiatrist when my dog died. PAVEMENT: How did he die? NAZ: Well CUT TO: INT: A KITCHEN- DAY D DOG is eating a bag of cheetos. CUT TO: INT: A LIVING ROOM: NIGHT PAVEMENT: I'm sorry man. That must have hurt. NAZ: Damn straight. I lost an entire bag of cheetos that day. PAVEMENT: Ahh! We're going! PAVEMENT grabs NAZ. NAZ struggles in slow motion saying "Nooo" and "Waitttt!" PAVEMENT: Naz. NAZ! We're not in slow motion. Snap out of it!

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[Scene III] CUT TO: INT: AN OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY NAZ walks in. NAZ Is Dr. Rosa in? RECEPTIONIST Yes, right this way. She leads him to DR. ROSA's office. NAZ Hello? DR. ROSA Yes, yes. Hello. NAZ I've been referred here. Can you help me? DR. ROSA Well, first I need to diagnose the problem. I'll need to show you some ink blots. Just tell me what you see in them. He shows #1, which is a legitimate ink blot. NAZ Cheetos. He shows #2, which is also an ink blot. NAZ Cheetos. He shows #3 which is a picture of cheetos. NAZ Cheetos.

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DR. ROSA I think you're addicted to cheetos. NAZ You're the one carrying all these pictures of cheetos around. Well SONG: IM ADDICTED TO CHEETOS NAZ YOU KNOW THAT FEELING? THAT STRANGE FEELING? IT'S AN ADDICTION HEHEHEH I LOVE THE SCENT OF HER NECK AND BY HER NECK I MEAN THE OUTSIDE OF A BAG OF CHEETOSOH GOD I LOVE THE TASTE OF HER MOUTH AND BY HER MOUTH I MEAN THE INSIDE OF A BAG OF CHEETOSYEAH! I LO-DR. ROSA stops him. DR. ROSA Stop. Stop, please. Look. I'm addicted to heroin but you don't see me singing and dancing about it. NAZ looks at him. DR. ROSA looks back. NAZ runs out into the street. PAVEMENT is waiting for him. PAVEMENT So, how did it go? NAZ

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How do you think it went? I freaking sang about cheetos to the man, do you think Im cured? PAVEMENT Well, there is one other option. I found an ad in the paper for this guy called Furiya Masters drug rehab martial arts classes. NAZ Well, Ill go check it out. PAVEMENT Heres the address. Good luck. NAZ I dont need luck. I need PAVEMENT Help. You needhelp, wow NAZ runs off.

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[Scene IV] CUT TO: INT: A MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO: MIDDAY NAZ enters the door cautiously. NAZ: Hello? Is anyone here? The old man appears behind him unexpectedly. NAZ: Whoa, what the hell? Where did you come from? MASTER: I might ask you the same thing my boy. NAZ: I saw your ad in the paper you know for a pupil looking to learn the ways of becoming a great hero? MASTER: Indeed? You're not of African descent right? NAZ shakes his head no. MASTER: Well then, welcome my boy. However I sense you are here for other reasons NAZ: Well, sir, I also have recently acquired an addiction to cheetos. MASTER: Ahhh yes.. that is what I felt. And call me Master from now on.

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He hits NAZ with his cane. NAZ: Do you think you can help me Master? I really need to get over my obsession with these food snacks MASTER: Ah, to lose touch with cheetos is to lose the greatest power that can be wielded. NAZ: . huh? MASTER: In time you will learn that moderation, with the use of the cheetos, can make you the most powerful hero that has ever walked this earth. I will teach you but you must be willing to learn. NAZ: You mean cheetos can be used to help as opposed to making me fat and happy? MASTER: That is correct my young apprentice. NAZ: And I will be able to defeat WB and his homiees in the E three twentyyyyy? MASTER: All that and more. We will begin immediately. NAZ: Ok, Im ready. Time speeds up and we see NAZ becoming well trained along MASTER. We see him perfecting his fighting techniques and eating cheetos. We also see flashes of WB and VIOLET as they are at the forefront of NAZ's mind. Time stops, it has been a couple of days but NAZ feels he has done a lot. NAZ:

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I feel great today master, I feel like I can take on that WB and a whole army of his cronies today! MASTER: Be mindful young Naz, you are not yet ready to face him. You have made great leaps but are not yet ready. NAZ: Master, the time has come for me to face him Theres nothing you can do to stop me. MASTER: Very well but if you must go, take these. MASTER hands NAZ a bag of cheetos. MASTER: Use them only if you must. And by use it, if you even see a black guy, you swallow the whole bagunderstand? NAZ: All right, sounds good. Ya know, you really ought to not be so racist though master its kind of ignorant Naz goes out the door and begins to leave. His master calls after him. MASTER: Remember Naz! Let the cheetos flow through you! When you are confronted with your enemies, let them tell you how to defeat them (in a lower voice) especially those black people NAZ walks out and onto the street. He sees PAVEMENT sitting on the steps. NAZ Pave? How long have you been sitting here? PAVEMENT

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Uhhdont worry about it. Its not like Ive been waiting here for the past couple of weeks while you were training. NAZ Okaygood. Have you talked to Violet? PAVEMENT Yeah. Shes having a big party tonight to celebrate Flag Day? NAZ Flag Day? That holidays almost as obscure as Arbor Day. But a partys a party I suppose. PAVEMENT Yeah. We should go. Lets go plan outfits. NAZ Aighttt. They walk off.

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[Scene V] CUT TO: INT: A PARTY: LATE NIGHT NAZ, PAVEMENT, and PARTY GUESTS are dancing. VIOLET walks up to NAZ. VIOLET: Heeeey Naz! Hows it hanging? NAZ: Its hanging pretty low, but itll get higher soonwhattttt? VIOLET: (laughs) Youre funny. Im glad youre feeling better. NAZ: Yeah. Im sorry about our date. VIOLET: Its okay. Pavement explained everything. He says your cat dies very often. NAZ: He told you that, huh. So.. um, hows the party? VIOLET: You tell me silly! I think its great! Im glad you could make it. She smiles at him. NAZ: Im glad I could make it too. Hey, is someone making popcorn?

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VIOLET: Why? NAZ: It smells like popcorn. VIOLET: What? NAZ: Popcorn. VIOLET: WHAT? NAZ: Popcorn! VIOLET: What are you talking a---SONG: IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN: NAZ begins but others quickly join in. The first line should be sung by NAZ. The first indented line should be sung by PAVEMENT. The second intended line should be sung by PARTY GUESTS 1 + 2. The third indented line should be sung by VIOLET. All other extras should sing random parts. NAZ: ITSMELLSLIKEPOPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN

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IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN YEAH POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN YEAH POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN

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POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN YEAH POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN YEAH POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN YEAH POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN YEAH POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN POPCORN IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORNNOW!

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A loud noise disrupts the finale of the song. Shouting is heard outside. Suddenly, the door bursts open. Its WB and GANGSTAS 1 AND 2, they've come to crash the party. PARTY GUEST 1: Oh my god! PARTY GUEST 2: Its WB and the E Three twentyyyy crew! WB: Thats right bitches, where da party at? Hahaha. GANGSTA 1: Wait a sec is that that kid in the pajamas that you killed? WB: What?... yeahhh, yeah thats the fool Im surprised hes still alive. NAZ: You'll find Im full of surprises! (to the camera) Heheheh. (to WB) You better leave now WB, you were not invited to this party. WB: Are you serious? You're ordering me around? Im pretty sure I totally kicked your ass last week, PJ. NAZ: MynameisPajama Man! WB and his crew are preparing for a fight. NAZ hears MASTERs voice in his head. MASTER (O.S): Use themonly if youneed them.

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NAZ quickly opens the bag of cheetos and takes a big bite of cheetos. Immediately, he feels the effects. WB once again draws the sword concealed in his pants. We hear him speak muted, because NAZ is still mesmerized listening to MASTER. WB: Ahh that never gets old. You ready for round 2 PJ? NAZ hears MASTER again. MASTER (O.S.): Actually, on second thought. Don't play fair, just pull the gun that you have out of your pants. NAZ: (to himself) Oh yeah forgot about that this has been here the entire time wow WB: Get ready punk! WB lunges at NAZ when all of a sudden, NAZ: Surprise, asshole! Naz pulls a hidden automatic machinegun from his pants. He aims at the crowd and sprays mercilessly into them. WB and his gang (in slow motion) are hit by the bullets and their bodies gyrate as each bullet hits them. Slowly they fall, WB is the last, he falls to his knees. WB: (in pain) Wheredid you getthat? NAZ: I forgot. My father Jared gave me this for my birthday good thing I remembered huh? WB: Jared. Jared is mymy father. NAZ: Really now. Then, werebrothers?

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PAVEMENT: Wait. Jared is my father too. GANGSTA 1: (gets up weakly) And mine. GANGSTA 2: Me too. PARTY GUEST 1 + 2: Us as well. All around the room everyone admits in a mixed confusion that JARED is their father. Except VIOLET, because that would just be weird. WB: Im sorry I tried to kill you. Lets all be friends. NAZ: Ill get more inheritance if youre out of the picture. See you in hell. Tell Snape I said, Hello! NAZ takes the bag of cheetos and strikes WB across the face with it. It is the deathblow and WB falls back, his body lifeless. PAVEMENT: Jesus! I can't believe what I just saw! We have to get out of here, the cops are going to be here soon man! VIOLET: Nazhelp!! It seems in the confusion, Violet has been hit with a ricochet bullet. NAZ: Violet! Nooooooo my egg! How did you get hit? We need to get you to the hospital! VIOLET:

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No! I need cheetos! NAZ: Huh? It is revealed to us in an epic flashback montage that Violet has been addicted to cheetos the whole time and that she requires cheetos to survive now, they will heal her. NAZ: I can't believe it theres only a few cheetos leftidk if I can spare any VIOLET: Naz! Im going to die if you dont! NAZ: Then I can tell you what Ive been meaning to tell you this entire time. III lohhI love (suddenly) I love black people! VIOLET: (suddenly) I love you too! (she stops and thinks) Wait what? NAZ: WaitWHAT? PAVEMENT: WAIT WHAT? A short pause here. NAZ: Anddddddshes dead. Lets go. PAVEMENT: What the hell is going on? Why am I the ONLY sane person in this movie? NAZ:

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Because Alex de Azagra over there directed it. Duh.

CUT TO: ALEX just standing there with movie looking stuff surrounding him. PAVEMENT: You bitch! PAVEMENT picks up NAZs gun and shoots ALEX. CUT TO: BLACK ROLL TEXT THAT SAYS, YES. THIS REALLY IS THE END. ROLL CREDITS WITH THE SONG LIFE IS A HIGHWAY

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